Time Travel is Like The Wu-Tang Clan
"Say, Applejack, why's there a pile of steaming hot garbage in the front yard?" Apple Bloom asked.
Applejack stood beside her, equally confuzzled. "Well, Sis, I can't say I'm certain myself. I woke up to the smell earlier this mornin', and well, here we are."
They continued to stare at the conflagration, flames licking a good dozen feet into the air. It was a good thing their yard was so large, and the pile was smack dab in the emptiest part of it. Still, precautions were probably called for.
"AB, I've got a job for you. Run into town and see if y'all can round up a weather pony or two. I'd really rather this not burn no barns or fences or any of the many other things on our property made of wood down."
"I'm on it!" Apple Bloom squeaked, and galloped off towards Ponyville proper. As she did, Big Mac ambled up. "AJ, I recon that there's a garbage fire in our yard."
"Eeyup,", Applejack replied. "That it certainly is."
"Pray tell, why is there a garbage fire in our yard?" the elder Apple asked.
"I haven't the foggiest. You ain't responsible for all this?"
"Eenope, and I recon Granny ain't either," MacIntosh replied.
"Well then, who do you suppose is?"
"Only one way to find out."
"Question everypony in town?" AJ asked.
"Eenope. Travel back in time and catch the culprit in the act."
Applejack just stared at her brother. "Uhhhhhhh."
"Trust me; I've done this before."
"You have?" she asked incredulously."
"Eeyup. I went to visit our dead parents a few years back. And that created a rift in time leading to the splitting off of an alternate dimension where Margaret Loesch never stepped down as The Hub CEO and this started a chain of events culminating in Lego buying Hasbro and me falling in love with Princess Unikitty and our love being declared non-canonical and us having to send our daughter back in time so they wouldn't take her away and terminate her."
Applejack raised an eyebrow incredulously. "And you know all this how?"
Big Mac sighed. Because our daughter lives in this universe too. When doctors found her abandoned outside Ponyville general hospital, she had a letter with her addressed to me. But for her own safety, she can never know I'm her dad. It's a real tragedy, but one I'm willing to bear."
This is a lot to process, Big Mac. And who is your daughter, anyway?"
"I can't tell you. Not yet, anyway. Maybe one day soon, I'll write a story about it. Anyway, Let's focus on the present. We have a fire that needs investigating. I'm going to investigate it now."
"Uh, okay. You, uh, do that. I'll just wait here for the weather ponies to show up. Please do be careful, Big Mac. Time travel is like the Wu-Tang Clan."
"How so?"
"It ain't nothin to fuck with."
Big Mac nodded. "I'll bear that in mind." Then he slipped a pair of goggles over his head and trotted inside. A moment later, a flash came from inside the house. Applejack assumed that was her brother disappearing into the past.
With a bright flash, Big Mac reappeared in the kitchen. It was four AM, so he figured the room would be empty. Unfortunately, it was not. When his eyes readjusted, it was not to a dark room, but instead to the lights on, with Apple Bloom's hoof in the cookie jar.
"Aaaugh!" she yelled. "Land's sakes, Mac, when'd you get here?"
MacIntosh decided to press his older brother authority. "Nevermind me, young filly. What are you doing eating cookies in the middle of the night?!"
"I'm sorry, please don't tell AJ!"
Big Mac's scowl softened considerably. "Shucks, I won't. Just get back to bed!"
"Sure thing, Big Mac!" And with that his sister headed past him back up the stairs.
Once he heard the door to her room click shut, he released a sigh of relief. He really didn't want more time shenanigans than necessary. He extinguished the lamp, put his night-vision goggles back on, and quietly headed towards the back door. He figured it would best to sneak around the side of the house, if he wanted to remain undetected. He exited and slowly made his way around to side of the house, stopping at the corner and popping his head silently around it. What he saw chilled his blood.
Author's Note
There before him, working by the light of firefly lamps, were Flim and Flam, dumping carts of garbage into his yard. The yard he worked so hard to keep clean.
He could take these punks on. He stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Good evening, gentlestals."
Flim and Flam both pronked in suprise. Flam looked like he was about to say something, but MacIntosh continued. "Just what the everloving fuck are you doing dumping garbage in my yard? The yard I work so hard to keep clean, I might add."
Flim and Flam sweated bullets. Literally, pointed little metal shards were dripping out of their skin. And when Flam finally did speak, his mouth unhinged far more than it should have been able to, and the sound that came out was akin to that of steam train that hasn't been adequately oiled. And suddenly the sky was hot pink.
Big Mac Gulped. He had messed around where he shouldn't have stuck his nose too much, and now reality was falling apart. Flim currently had seventy three heads and was turning blue and yellow, and the pile of garbage was singing happily in forbidden tongues like a bastardized animatronic at Whinny Land, or whatever the place Rarity and Applejack visited in the Friends Forever comic was called. He needed to leave, now. He quickly pulled his time dilation ray from his saddle bag and set it for when he belonged. With a flash, he was gone. Moments later, the universe he had been in collapsed completely.
Author's Note
