“Out here, in the backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Perseus Arm, there is a projection of stars called the Orion Spur. Stay together children, s’il vous plait. I don’t want anyone wandering off on their own. The inhabitants of this blue white marble named their galaxy the Milky Way because a band of dust lights up their night sky as a splash of milk. They incorrectly thought the line of dust was their whole galaxy. They had no concept of the distances involved. It would boggle their little minds if they realised how vastly huge space is. Let’s travel those distances between the stars and visit that small world. Do not judge the residents harshly, my progenies. They simply didn’t have the equipment for proper astronomy at that point in their history to observe the difference between dust and their own galactic hub. There are many varieties of sentient creatures here, and most species have agreed on that name. I will show you some of the wonders of that realm, but you all must be silent and not engage with any of the mortals of that sphere. It is a place of beauty and violence. Yes, you may use the word ‘juxtaposition’ in your field trip essay; although, I would prefer something a little less gauche. We will visit the day side of the planet, thus avoiding their moon. It is currently being used as a detention centre for one of the demigoddesses. The most popular species to observe is a small, solid-footed herbivore that uses science together with magic in their day-to-day lives. As we enter the atmosphere, you can see some of the flyers frolicking on the mounds of condensed water vapour. Well, obviously they would not survive on one of the solar system’s gas giants, or even on a cloud world without the proper environmental conditions. Remember to note the gas giants on our way out. I find the ringed one most striking.”
The French sounding teacher continued chatting, “Behold the capital city built with magic and a labour of love on the side of a mountain. The snow melt provides a water supply, together with many picturesque falls. You can appreciate the influence of magic in the construction of the spires. Notice the towers jutting out of the mountainside. It was near impossible for the inhabitants to build otherwise. The name of the city, Canterlot, is a portmanteau of the three-beat gait of the quadruped, canter. And a name of a fabled kingdom, Camelot. The four-legged ones enjoy word play which has allowed them to excel in the arts of song and dance. We will visit the gardens, which are strategically placed around the central castle. The small equines are governed by a monarchy of a matriarchal demigoddess. Yes, we all saw the moon’s wobbly orbit. The perigee of the millennia is looming, thus ending the detainee’s sentence. The demigoddesses are siblings and there will be a bit of a row when they meet up again. That is why we can’t dilly-dally. The Royal Sculpture Garden and hedge maze is as good a place to start as any. The artisans remove smaller and smaller pieces of matter from a stone until a three-dimensional form is revealed to represent the illusion of movement in a solid. Or, it is to honour the demigoddesses and historical figures. However, in this case, matter was rearranged using magic. They call this Modern Art, because it breaks the traditions of the past.” The assembly studied a black anvil shaped cloud with flashes of light twinkling out from between its seams. “This one is meant to represent a storm caused by strong rising air currents and electrical discharges. Très magnifique. The title is ‘Black Thunder Boomer’. And yes, if you feel you can understand the piece more by putting it in your mouth, s'il vous plait allez-y.”
A grey bipedal statue of a serpent in the pose of an overly theatrical singer, known as the Cheerful Draconequus, spoke up. “Yoo-hoo, over heeeer.”
Teacher, “Allow me to draw breath so that I may sigh. Le sigh.”
The statue answered in a slightly high-pitched voice, “Finally, an audience. You’ve all traveled far to meet little old me. I am so honoured. Please do tell the adorable children about me and my greatness, won’t you?”
Teacher continued to speak with a monotone accent, “Children, this statue is made from an imprisoned spirit of chaos, and not from stone. You learned long ago not to engage such creatures. They are masters of manipulation. This one is extremely boastful and proud, as a creature of limited intelligence would be. The natural inhabitants of this world thrive on harmony. You can just imagine how a being such as this might have been received. It took an extremely powerful petrification spell to incarcerate the beast. The stone is granite, I believe. See how the electrons still flow across its brain cells, thus enabling it to communicate with us. Certainly, you may poke it in the eye, but it will feel nothing.”
“How uncommonly rude!” Discord said, truly insulted. “Even without that outrageous accent, thou art snooty. I have existed since before the formation of the universe and I am not an ‘it’. I am an omnipotent sentient creature unduly imprisoned without due process. Perhaps, as a class project, we could have a mock trial where I can plead my case. Hmmm, a lesson in justice? I humbly state, for the pleasure of the court, that an omnipotent creature cannot be detained for simply being himself. After all, the ruling class are often quoted as saying, ‘Just be yourself and all will be well’.”
“Yes, students,” remarked the teacher. “This one is very transparent. We can all calculate to within a ninety-seven percentile what will happen if it is released.”
“Have you noticed that the vegetation of this world is extremely lush? I am anxious to show you the delights of the botanical garden. Come along, les enfants. Au revoir, monsieur big mouth.”
“Wait! Stay, don’t go! Please,” Discord pleaded with them, “I haven’t had a decent conversation with anyone in centuries. The overfed pigeons are exceedingly odious, and their debating skills are atrocious. I will tell you fantastic stories of the evil Alicorn hoards. And my quest for order, harmony and baguettes. I have secrets only I can reveal. I have admirers. I even have a girlfriend. If you would just stay a moment, I will introduce her to you fine folks.”
A young female unicorn walked down the stone path and across the grass to the tall statue. She slid off her saddlebags and laid out a small checkered blanket. The girl used her magic to simultaneously unwrap a sandwich and open a book to the marked page. She smiled at her dexterity.
Discord continued to rant at the finite points of lights floating and bobbing away from him, “I heard what your students said about gas giants. Why don’t y’all go fly into the seventh planet from the sun. It’s named especially for you, in order for you all to go up there. And I have never dated Celestia. I have never flirted with her.” He raised his voice, “I did not hit on her! It’s not true! It’s bull cookies! I did not! Oh, hi Twilight.”
Discord cleared his telepathic throat even though he knew that Twilight could not hear him. “How are we today, hum? I can barely see you, but I can hear every motion you make. If you would only polish my stone eyes I could see you more clearly. I can perceive Celestia’s solar rays on your face and the stars on your butt. I can hear the comings and goings of young ponies, so it must be the dinner hour. Compared to those that have settled in life and have allowed themselves to become dull and descend into mediocrity, the youth are so much louder and vibrant. Listen, I can also hear the rustle of scrolls and books. The university crowd has arrived to eat and rest. Some of you lounge in the shadows of us statues. Run, fly around us; only those studying art history can recall who we are/were.”
“Is that the sound of menu cards being organised? Each card is a synopsis of a chapter in that never-ending romance novel. It must be mid-week and your creative writing classes are in the afternoon. Another variation on ‘The Princess and the Soldier’? So cliché. Let me shuffle and throw the cards in the air. The chapters fall where they may. But, you ponyfolk must have order, discipline, and peaceful coexistence. So boring, and stiflingly unhealthy. So many great discoveries have been revealed accidentally. You are a species that prefers laws; scientific laws of observation and experimentation. Surprise discoveries are just that, a cute little wonder.”
“But for us immortals, they are life itself. Eternity is frightfully tedious. And boredom is a form of stress; yes, it is. You would think that Celestia would want more surprises in her realm. Granted, surprises in chemistry and magic can be rather volatile to you soft little creatures. I have heard you students talk about her curriculum over the centuries. It’s very bland, to say the least. In fact, her whole reign has been placid. Yet, I don’t want to say actual conflict, but the establishment of Equestria perhaps contained some. Where are the scholars of history when you finally need them? A nation born in violence; ruled with love and harmony. Being free of strife and big dilemmas must be so boring for Celestia. And it makes a nation soft; untested and weak. She knows what I know. Granted, I know much more, but still, you get the idea. We know what’s coming. Who’s coming to supper, to stir the proverbial pot. What a delight, I can’t wait. The royal duo together again, yet I’m forced to endure this prison of tediousness. Family conflict is so chaotic and energetic to a creature such as myself.”
“What to do? What to do? I could really go for some ketchup flavoured Plunderseeds right about now. How about you, Twilight? But, alas, my dear sweet Celestia has probably finished them all off without me. Should have seen action on that front some time ago. It’s quite likely she still has quite a grip on the Elements of Harmony. I thought that without Sissy, Celestia would slowly lose connection to the Elements and this dreadful prison spell would end. Plunderseeds should have been categorised as an endangered species. Like me,” he squeaked. “But endangered species are defended by the regime. We didn’t have such rules back in the olden days.”
“There! Did you see that? It happened again. I felt it on my stone scales. A piece of paper blew from one pony to another. Yet, there was no wind. I smell Celestia’s meddlesome magic in the air. She loves to play matchmaker and bring the shy ponies together. But it’s not her hobby or her passion. Because Celestia doesn’t just matchmake; she breaks apart lovers as well. Couples brought together by coincidence and not Celestia’s desire for serenity. I have heard it myself right here. Young guard ponies reading their reassignment letters to their sweetheart. Being posted to Forward Operating Bases at the outer reaches of Equestria. I ask you, why would Celestia write the letter herself? Then an ‘accidental’ meeting of even more compatible mates. What fate has joined together, Celestia will tear asunder. And they call me a monster. Oh, yes, it will happen to you too, Twilight.”
“Speaking of which, where is that tall, dark and handsome beau of yours? I can’t express how saddened I was to meet him. He made the picnic lunch and you showed him around the gardens. So mushy. Did you two meet by chance or did Celestia stick her horn in where it didn’t belong? It’s as if she’s trying to remove unpredictable turmoil by manipulating the gene pool. Diminish the number of flawed or violent ponies in the world. Is this an effort to make Equestria an even more serene place to exist? I guess when you’re the boss, you can design your own ethics on eugenics. You would find your future lives would be as tedious as mine is now. You two are the perfect match. Both studious; of the same age and interests. He studies the stars and planets at night. You do your schoolwork during the day. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. So perfect together.”
“Have you ever wished upon a star, Twilight? A Zebra would say you are mad for doing so. The Zebra fear the stars. Perhaps you would say they are superstitious, because one of their ancient villages was decimated by a meteor shower long ago. Not so. The stars are something to be revered, even though they will gleefully lead you to your downfall by granting your every wish. They should also venerate beings of near infinite magic such as myself. But do they when they are given the opportunity? Noooo. Instead, they’re over there right now sniffing Celestia’s roses. Pommes de la rue I say back at you Stars, and your silly accent. You sound as if you’re making some sort of undersea documentary. And I’m all stallion too! That’s not my tail, if you know what I mean. I’m shaking my proverbial fist at you as hard as I can! I’m sorry, Twilight, but you knew I had a temper when we entered into this relationship.”
“Oh, are you packing up your scrolls and cards already? Time flies when your encased in stone. It really does. Let me just remind you that Nightmare Moon is on her way, and Celestia doesn’t want to face her old rival alone. She was never one for family squabbles. Celestia has had oceans of time to prepare for the family reunion of the ages. Time enough to recruit a team of teenagers with attitude. She has been matchmaking for centuries to create new bearers of the Elements of Harmony. You are in her breeding program, Twilight. Mark my words, you are being bred like animals! Your children, and their descendants, will be used for her purpose. Heed my warning, Twilight Velvet. Bred like animals!”
