Trix of the Trade

Chapters

A Journey Begins
A Rough Start
A Messy Business
Call This What You Wish
A Climax of Average Proportions

A Journey Begins

The music reverberated around the walls of the club as the dancers whirled and maneuvered their way around the poles; the stallions below whooped and hollered in approval. The sight in question was complimented by the various colored lights flashing all about the crowded room, illuminating the lingerie-wearing ponies.

A pegasus stallion gazed in awe at the blue unicorn mare dancing on the stage before him. Her white swirled mane and tail, accompanied by her black corset and black frilled panties, mesmerized him almost to the point of unconsciousness. He struggled to keep a full view of the dancer through the crowd of stallions; all wanting to catch a glimpse of the unicorn.

"Patience, boys. There's plenty of Trixie to go around," the unicorn said slyly.

As the other stallions cheered for their temptress, the pegasus stallion continued to stare; intent as a cat watching a field mouse. Every move she made seemed to send his mind into a swirling nosedive, and cause his heart to beat louder and faster than he thought it ever could. Once the mare's routine was finished, a shower of bits rained upon her from her drooling spectators, covering her stage in the funds of the aroused.

As the crowd cleared out, the unicorn mare retreated backstage, carrying her haul of bits with her; the pegasus was not far behind. The blue mare plopped into a less-than-glorious looking chair in front of a large mirror, causing a flurry of dandruff and mascara to fill the air around her. Even though her reflection was cracked in several places, she could see that she still looked as bad as she always did after a hard day on the job. It was when she had begun to remove her makeup that she felt the presence of a pony behind her. Turning around, she found an extremely pale blue pegasus stallion with a light grey mane who, for some reason, smelled distinctly of limes. Having no idea who this stallion was, she silently moved her hoof under the desk and began rapidly tapping the security button underneath.

"Can Trixie help you with something?" she asked, still vigorously smashing the security button.

"That was quite a show you put on, miss. I came to ask if, um, maybe--" he briefly paused as his face flushed, "If you would go out with me some time?"

A look of astonishment and amusement crossed Trixie's muzzle as she processed this. After a few moments, she burst into an erratic fit of laughter, causing the stallion to back away some.

"Perhaps you don't understand what Trixie does for a living. Trixie is a stripper -- meaning she doesn't go on dates. Do you have any idea what I do?"

"Yeah. You dance and nice stallions give you money. Hey, can you teach me how to dance sometime?" he replied.

Trixie looked puzzled by the stallion. This one seems a bit daft, she thought to herself. He obviously doesn't know what he's getting himself into. Maybe if I give him that gift card to Stal-Mart I used up yesterday he'll leave.

The security ponies came around a corner, grabbing the pegasus by the wings.

"Wait! I wasn't done talking to the most beautiful mare alive!" he protested.

At this, Trixie chuckled, causing the guard ponies to stop. She motioned for the guards to release him, which they did immediately. The mare then cantered over to the stallion and smiled.

"You seem like a nice stallion. Perhaps a private show would satisfy you?" she asked seductively.

The stallion's eyes widened to an almost impossible size before he replied. "O-okay."

Trixie led her suitor to a steel door. It wasn't far from the shanty area Trixie called a "dressing room", but it was far enough away so as not to be seen from anywhere else. Unbeknownst to the stallion, however, an 'Exit' sign hung just above the door's cold, hard frame.

"What's your name, hun?" Trixie asked as they drew closer to the door.

After an audible gulp, the stallion finally found words. "C-clear Sky, ma'am."

"Ma'am? What a gentlecolt!" she replied, sounding quite pleased.

The mare then proceeded to open the door and motioned for the stallion to step through. The pegasus gladly obliged, seeing that this must be part of the 'private show' Trixie had mentioned earlier.

As Clear Sky stepped through the opening, he found himself in a dark alleyway. Garbage lay strewn about the area as rodents of various shapes and sizes scurried around. Suddenly, the door slammed loudly behind him, causing him to turn about to face the closed entrance.

"Excuse me, Trixie. But I think you accidentally locked me out. Could you let me back in please?" he asked.

A hysterical laugh could be heard from behind the wall. "Let you back in? Heavens, no. The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't waste her time with imbeciles like you. Trixie has more important things to take care of."

Her hoofsteps became more and more quiet as she cantered away from the door, leaving Sky outside in the cold.

"Okay. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then!" he replied enthusiastically. The pegasus proceeded to turn and face his new environment. The smell of old and rotting garbage filled his nostrils as he was met once again with the ghastly sight from before. All of this did not deter him, however, from fluttering through the alleyways with a bright smile on his face. Gosh! I finally have a marefriend, he thought. This is the best day ever!

Every day, Clear Sky would visit Trixie at the club, and every day, he would be violently thrown out by security or Trixie, herself. This did not stop him, though, for he knew that nothing would separate him from his "true love". Today, however, was a different story.

As Clear Sky trotted into the odd smelling establishment with a spring in his step, he could automatically tell that all was not well. Aside from the fact that most of the mares weren't there that night and everypony seemed to be a little on edge, one thing was unmistakably wrong...

"There's no more limes!" Sky screamed as he realized the awful truth.

The bartender facehooved before responding. "What are you talking about, kid? I've got more right here." He held a small bowl filled with slices of the tart fruit.

"Oh," Sky remarked, blushing a little. He grabbed the bowl from the bartender and began to devour his prize, much to the disgust of the barkeep.

"Thanks, Mr. McBuck! I just LOVE limes!" said Sky between mouthfuls of juice.

"It's nothing, really. I'm just happy that I can get rid of some every once in a while. Not everypony here does tequila shots, you know," Mr. McBuck replied.

The pegasus didn't seem to notice the bartenders comment, however; he was too confused about another thing he had noticed when he came in.

"Say, Mr. McBuck, where's Trixie?" Sky asked.

Before he replied, the bartender brushed his hoof across his chin while pondering an answer.

"Oh yeah! I think I saw her leave Ponyville this morning."

Sky's ears drooped and his eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "Wh-wh-what?! Where'd she go? Who was she with?"

"She left with some purple-suited stallion; she didn't look too happy, though," the bartender added.

Many questions and ideas ran through the mind of the pale-blue pegasus: Who is that stallion? Where is he taking her? What does he want with her? Was she ponynapped?

Suddenly, a wave of courage filled the heart of the bar patron. "Clearly, she has been kidnapped. I shall rescue you, my love!"

With that, Sky darted out of the joint, taking a lime with him. If he had stayed longer, he would have heard McBuck call back to him, and say "Wait! You don't wanna mess with that guy. He'll rip you to shreds!"

Sky burst through his front door, accidentally knocking it off its hinges.

"Sorry, Mr. Door," he said apologetically. The only response he received was from his goldfish, Sir Swimsalot, who proceeded to duck into his aquatic castle. After placing Mr. Door back in his designated position, Clear Sky resumed his heroic stature.

"I must gather all of the necessities before I am to rescue my damsel!" he declared to nopony in particular as he made a mad dash for his room.

After about an hour of filing through clutter and week-old take out boxes, the pegasus stood back to admire his work.

"Alright. I think I have everything I need."

Clear Sky had arranged multiple items on his unkempt bed for what was sure to be a long journey: a pencil, paper, many jars of limes, and a yo-yo in case he needed to defend himself. After packing them all into his saddlebags, he cantered towards the door of his house, turning around only when he remembered to turn the stove off.

This was it. This was where his quest would begin. Putting his best hoof forward, Sky stepped into the crisp Equestrian air, only to fall flat on his face as he tripped over the stepping stone at his doorstep. This is going to be a long day, he thought.

A Rough Start

Clear Sky wasn't quite sure where he was going; all he knew was that he had to find Trixie before something dreadful happened. He continued to canter down the path departing from Ponyville, staring all the while at the brilliantly colored leaves as the fell from their treetop perches. As Sky gazed at the leaves, his line of sight eventually drifted farther upward towards the sun, showering his muzzle with it's bright monochrome light. Not looking where he was going, he tripped over a rather large log, causing him to tumble into the rough dirt below. When the dust began to settle, Sky saw that he was in a rather awkward position; he was leaning against the log with his hind hooves in the air and his face practically kissing the dirt. Before he could try to regain his footing, a lone butterfly descended from the air and landed on the tip of his muzzle. Sky giggled as the creature's tiny feet tickled his snout. At the unexpected outburst from the pony, the winged insect took flight once more.

Sky's eyes followed the butterfly until he saw it fluttering toward what looked like the entrance gate of a small town. After he had regained his footing, Clear Sky decided to investigate. Drawing closer, he noticed that the gate was adorned with blood stains and patches of leather nailed to the wood saying 'Hell's Pegasai' and 'Keep Out'. Upon the very top of the gate hung a tattered banner saying 'Welcome to Hoofington: Hell's Pegasai Capitol' written in blood.

"Looks like a nice enough place to me," Sky said to himself as he cantered into the quaint little town. Upon entering, he noticed that all of the poorly constructed shacks that he assumed were homes were barred. He could also hear the faint chords of a piano being played somewhere nearby. Sky decided to follow the noise since nopony else was around to talk to. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on where the sounds were coming from. Putting one hoof in front of the other, the pegasus began to hear the music slowly begin to get louder and stronger. Along with the music, he could now hear voices; stallions voices. The noises only increased in volume until Sky felt his muzzle smash into something hard. He opened his eyes to find that he was now face-to-face with a steel bolted door. Looking up, Sky noticed the on the door, a leather vest had been nailed into the cold metal plating that said 'Hell's Pegasai: Enter at Your Own Risk!'

"I wonder who these 'Hell's Pegasai' guys are."

Sky pushed open the door, and what he found inside surprised him. In his field of vision, Sky could see multitudes of buff and brawny looking stallions all engaged in masculine activities of varying degrees: some were hoof-wrestling, some were playing pool, and others just seemed to be talking like civil gentlecolts -- even though what they were conversing about was anything but gentlecoltly.

As Sky's eyes darted about the interior of the building, he noticed a long bar in the corner of the large room. Without a second thought, the pegasus fluttered over to a barstool and plopped down on the comfy leather.

"Can I get a Shirley Temple, please?" he asked enthusiastically.

Immediately after this, the piano player abruptly ceased his wonderful melody and every stallion in the bar had stopped what they had previously been doing. One by one, the whole of the bar slowly turned to stare at Clear Sky, who was still sitting on the barstool with a clueless look on his face.

"The buck did you just ask for, shrimp?" asked a brown coated stallion.

"A Shirley Temple. Can I have one, please?" Sky said.

The group of stallions around the brown coated pony began to laugh maniacally, only to be stopped by the brown stallion who raised a hoof to cease their merriment.

"Why you ordering a filly's drink, huh? Can't hold your liquor?" asked the brown stallion, a smirk plastered on his muzzle.

"Oh no. I don't drink alcohol, but thanks anyway," Sky replied cheerfully.

Now every stallion in the room began to laugh vigorously, even the brown stallion. After a minute or two, Clear Sky joined in on the laughter, not knowing what they were laughing about.

Once Sky started laughing, however, the others stopped chuckling and glared angrily at the naive pegasus.

"What are you laughing at, punk?" asked the brown stallion, his previous smirk now replaced by a frightening scowl.

"I don't know. What were you laughing at?" Sky asked curiously.

The brown stallion pounded his hoof on the bar top next to Sky.

"Do you have any idea who you're bucking with, kid? We're Hell's Pegasai: the most feared gang in Equestria!" the brown pony proudly declared.

"Sorry. I've never heard about you guys," replied Sky.

The brown pony's eye began to twitch as he slammed his hoof on the bar top once more, this time causing the wood to crack.

"You're really getting on my nerves, ya little pipsqueak! I've got half a mind to pummel you until the cows come home!"

"Cows? What cows? I thought we were talking about drinks."

"That's it!" cried the brown stallion as he lunged towards the naive pegasus, only to be held back by his cohorts. Sky simply sat and stared as the numerous other stallions tried to hold back the brown pony, but to no avail. The enraged stallion broke free from his comrades and grabbed Clear Sky, pinning him against the bar top with his powerful hoof.

"You. Me. Drinking contest. NOW!" he screamed in the pegasai's face.

"Okay. Sounds like fun!" Sky replied with a giggle.

Clear Sky sat at a crude table across from the still quite pissed brown stallion. In this different lighting, the pegasus was able to get a much clearer view of his opponent. He had a brown coat with a long black mane. His earth pony hide was covered with tattoos of various skulls and sets of flaming wings. On top of all of this, his nose was pierced to resemble that of a bull, making him look all the more fearsome.

With a huff, the brown stallion called over another pony who set a bottle and shot glass in front of both him and Sky. The earth pony opened his bottle and poured himself a shot. When Sky neglected to do the same, he eyed him curiously.

"What's the matter, kid? Too scared to challenge me?"

Sky pushed the bottle away with his hoof. "It's okay. I don't want any."

The earth stallion sighed and rubbed his hoof against his forehead. Then, he had an idea. "It's not alcohol. It's ah...juice. Yeah, juice," he replied hesitantly. No matter what, he wanted to see this pegasus put in his place.

"Really?" Sky asked, his ears now fully perked.

"Sure. Whatever," the earth pony replied.

With little hesitation, Sky opened his bottle of whiskey and took a huge swallow. It was okay, but it needed...something. Suddenly, Sky had an idea. He pulled a lime from his saddlebag and squeezed it's juice into the bottle before he chugged the rest down.

The brown pony's eyes went wide as he witnessed the pegasus across from him gulp down an entire bottle of 150 proof Applejack Daniel's without as much as a pause. Nevertheless, the earth pony raised his shot glass and declared, "Impressive. But by the end of this contest, I'll make sure you remember my name: Bull Runner!"

After two hours, Bull could barely hold in his nausea. Sky, on the other hoof, looked just as fine as when the contest had begun. In total, Bull had gone through twenty bottles of whiskey, while Sky had gone through at least fifty. As Bull raised his glass once more, his vision began to fade, his head felt heavy, and his stomach churned at the thought of just one more shot. Before he could bring the glass to his mouth, Bull fell and collapsed on the floor. Everypony around Sky was in shock at what had just happened: the toughest member of the Hell's Pegasai gang had just been out-drank by a stranger.

The audience cheered as they lifted Sky onto their shoulders, carrying him to Celestia knows where, leaving the rest to tend to their fallen comrade. Once Sky had been set down, he realized he was no longer in the bar, but in a plush looking bedroom decorated with leather vests and a striped feather bed.

"Where am I?" Sky asked, curious.

"This is Bull's room -- or was. Now that you beat him in a drinking contest, the place is yours," replied a short unicorn.

Sky eyed the group of stallions with concern. He didn't mean for Bull to lose his stuff. A contest just sounded like fun.

"Oh, and before we forget..." said the unicorn as he threw a leather vest to Sky, "welcome to the family, kid!"

Every stallion except for Sky began to cheer and laugh for their new comrade. Sky, however, wasn't celebrating.

"QUIET!" he shouted, causing the volume in the room to lower to a whisper.

"Look, I'm super happy that I'm part of your family now, but I need to find my marefriend. She was ponynapped by some mean stallion and I've got to rescue her!"

Another stallion in the posse spoke up. "Was he wearing a purple suit?"

"I think so," Sky answered.

"Oh yeah. He went that way," the stallion said pointing west with his hoof.

Then that's where he needed to go. In the morning, that's where Sky would venture. West.

The next morning, Sky waved goodbye to his newly found friend and began to canter westward. He did not get far, however, before he was stopped in his tracks by Bull Runner, who was now blocking his path. He looked down at the now cowering pegasus with an angry scowl. He raised his hoof as if to strike Sky, but instead brought it down to pat the pegasus on the head.

"You got guts, kid. I like that. If you ever need the Hell's Pegasai's help, you know where to find us."

"Thanks, buddy," replied Sky wrapping Bull in a tight hug. The earth pony was hesitant to return the embrace, but eventually did so.

With one last wave of his hoof, Clear Sky departed from Hoofington to find Trixie once more, and show her his cool new vest.

A Messy Business

The farther west Clear Sky seemed to travel, the more he realized that he was no longer in the middle of nowhere. The dirt paths eventually changed to cobblestone and the shanty shacks morphed into taller and taller structures. This didn't affect his demeanor much however, until he smacked into a flashing neon sign that seemed to be blocking his path. Sky looked curiously at the sign hanging just above his eye level.

Welcome to New Yoke City: The Happiest Place in Equestria (not really)!

"I wonder what I'll find here," Sky pondered as he ducked under the sign and continued on his journey.

The initial feelings that overcame Sky when he trotted into the city nearly overwhelmed him. Bright flashing lights and blaring sounds seemed to be sending his eyes and ears into an almost numbing state. Sky clamped his eyes shut and clapped his hooves over his ears in a fruitless attempt to make the sights and sounds go away. The more he listened, though, the less the new sensations disturbed him.

After what seemed like an eternity, Sky finally managed to reopen his eyes and uncover his ears to once again take the full brunt of the disturbances the city had to offer. To his surprise, it was not as bad as it previously was. With a shrug and a smile, the stallion continued to canter the streets of his new environment.

Sky gazed intently at the various apartment buildings and businesses that lined the streets. The sight of skyscrapers and suited ponies was quite new to him. As he kept trotting, he noticed that he was getting many odd glances from everypony he passed; every one of them seemed to be staring at his vest. He couldn't tell why wearing a leather vest among cashmere and wool clad ponies was apparently so strange.

They must all be jealous of this awesome vest, he thought to himself. They wish they could have one.

Before long, the pegasus passed by what looked like a very prestigious bank. Outside the establishment sat a pitch-black colored stagecoach attached to a burly looking stallion. Since he had been trotting for hours without a break, and figuring that it must be a taxi, Sky nonchalantly approached the cart and hopped inside.

"Take me to the nearest grocery store, if you please," Sky asked, leaning back in the comfy seat he now sat in.

From inside the bank, a loud explosion pierced through the noise of the city like a bullet followed by several loud cracks of what sounded like gunfire. An unicorn stallion came galloping out of the bank clutching a large sack in his mouth. He hopped into the cart next to Sky and ordered the driver to go. The burly stallion broke into a mad dash, galloping faster than Sky knew anypony could gallop. The unicorn turned and realized that Sky was sitting next to him. The pegasus eyed the unicorn and wondered why he was looking at him so strangely. The white unicorn had slicked black hair, a tuxeodo, and a top hat. A green aura began to emanate from the stallion's horn as a gun levitated from underneath the seat, pointing directly at Sky.

"Alright. What'd you see? What'd you know?" he asked in particularly weird accent.

"Well I know that we're both in a cab and the driver is going way too fast," replied Sky.

"I'm afraid that since you saw what I just pulled back at the bank, I can't let ya live, see," the unicorn answered, cocking his gun that was gripped with his magic.

The cart suddenly came to a screeching halt, causing Clear Sky to fly out of the open cart. The pegasus was hurdling towards a nearby glass structure until he quickly unfurled his wings and shot into the sky, mere inches from the panes of glass. The suited unicorn stared in amazement at the now returning pegasus. He might work, the unicorn thought.

"Wow! That was a close one!" Sky exclaimed brushing the back of his neck with his hoof.

"Perhaps I don't have to kill you, after all," the suited stallion muttered to himself.

"Where are we?" asked Sky, staring the worn out buildings and dusty surroundings.

The pegasus suddenly felt somepony hit him in the back of the head, causing his entire world to fade into darkness.

"Wake up!" exclaimed a familiar voice.

Sky slowly opened his eyes only to be greeted by a dully lit room and the unicorn stallion from before staring back at him from across a solid oak desk. The pegasus tried to move but was held back by the multiple ropes tying him to the chair he sat in. Now fully alert, Sky was able to answer.

"Hey there! Say, can you maybe untie me? These ropes are a little uncomfortable," asked Sky as he continued to lightly struggle against his bindings.

He was answered by a slap to the face from the suited unicorn.

"Ow! What was that for?" Sky asked attempting to rub his cheek, only to realize that he couldn't move.

"Shut up and listen! You're at the Bitalian Mob headquarters, see. We're the overlords of organized crime, see. Now, you're gonna do as I say, see, or you're gonna regret it, see."

"What's wrong with your voice, and why do you keep saying 'see' at the end of every sentence?" the pegasus asked.

Another slap to the face was Sky's answer.

"I said shut up! Now, you're gonna listen and listen good. In order for me to let ya go, you're gonna have to do me a little favor," replied the unicorn.

Sky nodded, acknowledged that he was paying attention. The unicorn levitated a picture in front of Sky's muzzle. The photo depicted a dark green earth pony stallion holding a gun in his mouth.

"This hitmane has been killin' off my clients. You're gonna 'take care' of him, see."

"Okay! Sounds like fun!" Sky exclaimed.

A twinge of fear crossed the unicorn's face. This guy's a lunatic, he thought.

After being given the supplies for Sky to 'take care' of the mysterious hitmane, Sky set off to find his target. I don't think that stallion give me the right stuff to take care of somepony, Sky thought. A gun, ammo, and a bullet-proof vest? Shouldn't I give him candy, or something? I am supposed to take care of him, after all.

The pegasus shifted through the crowds of ponies, looking for a pony that matched the description all the while. He searched high, low, sideways, even in other pony's clothing, much to their displeasure. It seemed that Sky would never find the stallion he was searching for, until he glanced at a nearby sandwich stand. There he was.

Sky gathered up all the courage he could muster and approached the stallion. Sky lightly tapped the stallion on the shoulder, causing him to turn around and face the cheery pegasus.

"Hi. My name's Clear Sky. I've been sent here by some mean unicorn to take care of you, so here ya go," Clear Sky said as he handed the gun, ammo, and bullet-proof vest to the confused earth pony.

"Um. Okay," the earth pony managed to say, "where exactly was this unicorn?"

"Oh, he's just in that house over there," Sky answered pointing to where he had departed just minutes before.

"Thanks. That's all I need to know."

The earth pony trotted to a nearby payphone and punched in three numbers.

"Hello, police? I know the location of Giovanni Clopper. Yes. Yes he's in the abandoned mansion on Central. Thank you."

The stallion put the phone back on it's cradle and returned to Sky.

"Thanks, kid. You saved my ass right there. That guy's been after me for years," the stallion said.

"Why'd you call the cops? He just asked me to take care of you, so I gave you the stuff he gave me. I hope you're able to get more use out of it than I could," Sky replied.

Before the earth pony could say anything more, several police wagons came swerving around the bend. They stopped outside the mansion the earth pony mentioned, then rushed inside the building. After a few minutes and several gunshots later, the officers reappeared with the unicorn in cuffs. The officers then threw the suited pony in the back of one of the wagons and galloped off.

The green stallion then turned back to Sky and extended his hoof. "I'm Harley, by the way. It's nice to meet you, Clear Sky."

Sky extended his own hoof and shook Harley's heartily.

"So what brings you to this hellhole of Equestria?" Harley asked.

"I'm looking for my marefriend. She was ponynapped the other day by an evil stallion and I've gotta find her."

Harley scratched his chin before replying.

"Was he wearing a purple suit?" he asked.

"Yes."

"In that case, you might want to head in that direction," Harley replied, pointing off somewhere in the distance.

"Thanks, Mr.," Sky replied as he began to canter down the road Harley pointed down.

"Wait!" Harley called.

Sky turned to face the earth pony, a confused look on his face.

"Maybe I could come with you. There's really nothing for me in this city, anymore."

Sky waved a hoof, signalling for the Harvey to follow him. As the two departed from the bustling streets of New Yoke, it was obvious to the both of them that they had both gained something that day: a friend.

Call This What You Wish

As the moon slowly began to creep farther and farther into the sky, the two stallions sat by a campfire, discussing various life experiences before the dark grip of sleep took over.

"So, Sky, why exactly are you looking for this mare?" Harley asked.

Sky had to ponder a bit before he answered. There were so many reasons why he knew he had to find her. How could he limit his options?

"Well, I just think she's the prettiest mare alive! Not only that, but she's also the nicest mare I've ever known."

"Where did you say you met her, again?" inquired the burly earth pony, growing more curious with every response.

"She was a dancer at some club I went to. There were some pretty good dancers there, but she was the best," Sky replied, trailing off at the thought of Trixie.

Harley's expression stiffened. He knew exactly what Sky was talking about, though it seemed Sky didn't realize the same.

"Mares like that are nothing but trouble," the earth pony replied.

When he heard this, the pegasus snapped back to reality, ears perked and eyes wide.

"No way! Trixie is the most wonderful pony that ever existed! How could she possibly be trouble?"

Harley looked away from his pegasus companion. He couldn't bare to look Sky in the face, especially since his expression reminded him of one he had known all too well long ago.

"Hey, what's wrong, buddy?" Sky asked, scooting a little closer to the depressed-looking earth pony.

Harley sighed. He didn't want to reveal his past to anypony, let alone somepony like Clear Sky, but under the circumstances, he found that this was entirely unavoidable.

"I...um...I just know that mares in her 'profession' are nothing but trouble. Just trust me, Sky."

Sky's brow raised at the earth pony's comment. He may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he knew that Harley wasn't telling him something.

"Come on. What's really the matter, Harley?" the pegasus asked.

The earth pony glanced back at Sky's face, but quickly looked away. He couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I dated a stripper once," said Harley, "I...I thought we were inseparable. We settled down, had a foal; everything was going great."

Before he continued, Sky adjusted his position on the dirt so that he could prepare for a lengthy story before bed.

"Anyway," the green pony continued, "things were going great. That is, until he showed up."

"Who?" asked Sky, his eyes wide with curiosity.

"Slick Mane."

After he had said this, Harley began to grind his teeth together. His eyebrows lowered, his face scrunched into an intimidating scowl, and his gaze shifted towards the ground.

"I didn't think she'd leave me. She told me that she'd given up that life. Then, when he came and said that it was time for her to go...she left. Before she left, she sued me for domestic abuse. I, of course, would never hit a mare, but the jury saw differently. She won custody of our son and everything that both she and I owned. I eventually found out that she put our son up for adoption and he later went on to join a gang. I haven't heard about either of them since."

Harley hadn't noticed, but his breathing had steadily increased in velocity as he spoke. Not only this, but his forehead was now dotted with little beads of sweat as the veins in his neck became more apparent.

"So you see, Sky? That's why you shouldn't chase after this stripper marefriend of yours. She's gonna break your heart and stomp you into the dust."

Harley received no answer. Turning to look back at Sky, he found him fast asleep, curled into a ball on the ground and muttering mindlessly to himself.

A small chuckle escaped the earth pony's mouth as he laid a blanket across the sleeping pegasus.

"Sleep soundly, Clear Sky. You'll need it to face Slick Mane."

The next morning, Harley awoke to the sound of fruit noisily being squeezed. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he noticed Sky squeezing limes into a large pitcher, most of which was already filled with a clear greenish liquid.

"Ugh, what time is it?" Harley asked, still trying to awaken himself.

"I have no idea. I just woke up and had a craving for limes, so I thought I'd whip up a little something."

Harley reached into his bag and retrieved an alarm clock. It was two in the morning. With a huff, Harley let his head drop onto his pillow and tried to escape to his dreams once more. Noticing this, Sky's smile was replaced with a look of disappointment.

"Oh well. More for me!"

Sky then proceeded to grab the pitcher and down the entire liter of straight lime juice. Licking his lips, the pegasus looked upwards to the still visible stars above.

"Don't worry, Trixie. I'll save you no matter what it takes."

"Was it really necessary to squeeze a pitcher of lime juice at two in the morning, Sky?"

"I'm sorry, Harley. I was just kinda thirsty."

As the duo of stallions trekked onward, their path began to grow increasingly verdant, giving way to taller and taller vegetation until they both were surrounded in a rain forest-like environment.

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" asked Sky, gazing at the various trees and plants towering over him.

"Trust me. I know I saw him go in this direction. I always remember a face, especially his."

Sky paused mid-stride to raise a brow at his companion. What was that supposed to mean? he thought.

Sky's thoughts were interrupted, however, by the sudden yet quick movement of a rather odd looking flower near him. The pegasus bent down to get a better look at the little plant.

"Did you just move?" the pegasus asked the stationary flower. The plant gave him no response. With a shrug, the winged pony was about to rejoin the earth pony far ahead of him until the flower moved once more, this time more prominently. Sky squinted at the flower, staring at it's red-speckled petals and multiple rows of teeth.

"Wait, flowers don't have teeth," he said aloud. He was answered from a low hissing noise coming from the flower. The plant had looked innocent before, but now it had opened a pair of beady black eyes just above it's mouth, grinning at the petrified pony.

"Harley!" Sky screamed. The pegasus broke into a wild gallop, barely dodging the snapping jaw of the murderous plant. Sky took to the air and bolted in the direction of his earth pony friend.

"Sky?" Harley asked his surroundings. He could have sworn he heard Sky screaming somewhere in the distance. As he was about to turn around and continue down the path, a pale blue dot caught his eye. Looking closer, he noticed that the dot was becoming larger and was approaching him at break-neck speed. It didn't take long before it became apparent that the object in question was actually Clear Sky speeding like a bullet towards the earth pony.

"Slow down ki-" Harley managed to utter before the pegasus plowed into him, sending them both tumbling over themselves and come to a stop at a sturdy bush.

"It's gonna kill me!" Sky exclaimed, locking Harley in an unbearably tight embrace. The earth pony attempted to loosen Sky's grip on him, but to no avail.

"Sky, calm down! Nothing's going to kill you."

Suddenly, several ponies pounced out of the nearby bushes, spears raised and eyes focused on their apparent targets: the two stallions.

"Well...that was unexpected," Harley remarked.

The pegasus loosened his grip on the earth pony as one of the spear-toting ponies stepped forward.

"Herka derka derka. Malemnem," he said.

Sky and Harley looked at each other and back at the other pony in confusion.

"Why are they covered in mud and leaves?" Sky asked in a hushed whisper.

"Forget that, what the hay is he saying?" responded Harley in a tone as hushed as Sky's.

Just as suddenly as the two stallions were ambushed, Sky got an idea. He straightened up, cleared his throat, and cantered toward the mysterious leaf-covered stallion.

"What are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Harley whispered harshly.

Turning his head back to his comrade, Sky winked. "Don't worry. I got this."

Harley rubbed his forehead with a hoof as Sky opened his mouth to speak.

"Nice going, Sky," said Harley sarcastically.

"I didn't know they were gonna tie us up!" Sky exclaimed.

The tribal ponies continued to carry the two poles, now occupied by the two bound stallions. As they continued, Sky noticed that they seemed to be drawing closer to a quaint little village. Straw huts stood steadfast as the bound stallions were carried by, tribal painted mares and foals staring at them all the while.

The tribal stallions placed each pole on two split grooves, each over a pile of wood. This didn't worry the two stallions much until they noticed one of the painted ponies carrying a torch cantering towards the piles of wood below them. Harley attempted to stare down the torch-carrier while Sky struggled maniacally against his bindings.

"Hindi wertlai," said the painted pony now standing in front of Sky.

"Okay. I have no idea what you're saying, but please don't burn me! I don't even taste that good; believe me, I've tried."

This didn't stop the pony from lowering the torch the wood that Sky was hanging just a few feet over. As the flames continued to rise, Sky desperately tried to blow them out, unaware that simply his breath wouldn't be enough to cease the growing fire.

The tribal mares and foals gathered around a large, flat stone; adorning it with plates and stone eating utensils. Others were gathering assorted vegetables from their huts and placing them on the stone. Some of the foals were bouncing around excitedly, chanting in some language the two stallions had never heard before.

"Wait. What's for dinner?" Sky asked, puzzled.

"Don't you get it? They're going to eat us!" Harley exclaimed.

It took a moment for Sky to absorb the earth pony's words, but once he did, his struggling against the restraining grasp of the rope became even stronger.

"Dinky ding!" cried one of the painted stallions to the torch pony, showing him the limes in Sky's saddlebag.

"Hey! Those are my limes! Leave them alone!" Sky exclaimed, quickly remembering to continue trying the blow out the flames below.

Once the torch pony saw the green fruits, his eyes widened as he began to mumble incoherently as he galloped into one of the huts. He re-emerged with a wooden pale of water and proceeded to throw it on the fire, causing Sky to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Wow, thanks. I almost died there."

The torch pony then cut both of the stallions from their bindings and motioned form them to follow him. Seeing no other option, Harley and Sky cantered behind the painted pony through the dirt path surrounded by shanty huts and staring onlookers. They hadn't gone far before they stopped at what appeared to be a large shrine adorned with beautiful flowers and other valuable-looking items. Upon this shrine was a stone statue of a pegasus stallion; wings outstretched, holding a lime in his right hoof. Behind the statue sat several limes, perhaps as a tribute. Sky turned around to find the villagers kneeling before him.

"Hey cool, they think I'm their god," he remarked.

Harley nudged the pegasus, signaling that they needed to be going or else they would loose Slick Mane's trail. With a new look of determination, Sky nodded towards Harley.

"You're right. Let's go!"

Sky was about to leave, but was stopped by the torch pony. He placed a small bowl of red dye on the ground and proceeded to paint various markings across Sky's face: two long streaks beneath the eyes curving down his cheeks and several shorter streaks down his chin and across his forehead, finished by a long streak down his snout..

"Hikina ai kala," said the the torch pony.

"Uh, thanks," Sky stuttered as he slowly began to canter away from the crowd of painted tribesponies.

"I think I might want to go back there once I rescue Trixie," said Sky, grinning to himself.

Harley's expression stiffened as he trotted alongside his pegasus companion.

"Yeah, I've seen that stallion. He just left here five minutes ago," the bartender answered.

"Thanks," the green earth pony said as he and his pale blue pegasus companion exited the bar.

"Hey Harley, how did we get from a rain forest to a bar?" Sky asked.

"Plot convenience, my friend. Plot convenience."

The two stallions hadn't gone a mile before they spotted him. Not only was the purple suited stallion only a gallop away, but a blue unicorn was with him. A blue unicorn with a swirled, sparkly white mane and tail. Trixie.

A Climax of Average Proportions

"Excuse me," Sky called to the pair of ponies ahead of him.

The suited unicorn stallion and blue unicorn turned around to stare at the pegasus who was frantically waving at them. Trixie groaned and placed her hoof over her annoyed expression despite the fact that his leather vest and war paint made him look rather intimidating.

"Oh Celestia. What the hay is he doing here? Trixie thought she got rid of that nutcase."

Harley gently grasped Sky's waving hoof and lowered it to the ground signalling that it was no longer necessary.

"Hi. My name's Clear Sky, and I was wondering if you could possibly let my marefriend go before I, uh, what was it again?" Sky asked.

Harley leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Immediately, Sky continued.

"Oh yeah. Before I have to kick your ass."

The suited stallion broke into a hysterical fit of laughter. Once the humor had passed, he adjusted his purple fedora hat and spoke up.

"Kick my ass? Perhaps you don't realize who you're dealin' with. My name is A Pimp Named Slickmane, and this here ain't no marefriend to no stallion. This here's a whorse."

Trixie looked towards the ground, away from the pegasus and suited pony; a pained expression plastered on her muzzle.

"Alright Mr. Slickmane, I --" Sky said before he was cut off.

"No! It's A Pimp Named Slickmane. You say the whole thing--yes, every single time," A Pimp Named Slickmane replied.

"Okay then, A Pimp Named Slickmane, or whatever it is. I just need you to let Trixie go. I don't know why you kidnapped her, but I kinda need her back now," Sky said cheerfully.

The suited pimp cocked an eyebrow at the pegasus pony then turned back to Trixie, who was still staring at the ground.

"You know this stallion, whorse?" he asked in a tone sharp enough to slice rock.

"No. Trixie's never seem him before in her life," she mumbled.

With a smile, A Pimp Named Slickmane turned back to look at the duo of stallions. It was then that he noticed Harley standing next to Sky staring at him with a glare that would frighten the hardest of ponies.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Harley. How's the whole marriage thing workin' out for ya?"

Harley's nostrils flared and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, anticipating a fight.

"You know damn well how it's going, A Pimp Named Slickmane! She ran off with you just when our relationship with blooming! You took the only thing I've ever loved, and now I'm gonna make you pay!"

A maniacal cackle erupted from the pimp pony as he slowly stroked Trixie's somewhat-matted mane, causing her to flinch.

"You knew what she did for a livin'. You knew full well that she was a stripper -- a harlot, yet you thought you could turn a hustler into a housewife. It don't work like that, Harley. Whorses like her work solely to get me money, that's why I always know where they are."

The slick maned pony pulled a cellphone from his suit pocket and flipped it open.

"Whorse, where you at?" he asked angrily.

A response was heard from the other end of the line.

"I'm out here gettin' your money," and older feminine voice replied.

"That's what I thought! Thank you, grandma."

The pimp slid the phone back into his suit pocket and looked back at the confused looking ponies.

"Sorry 'bout that," he replied with a chuckle, "Anyway, like I said, I always know where my workers are and if they're earning me money or not. This whorse here wasn't earning her quota, so I was takin' her to where all the other whorses who don't meet their quota go."

He turned around and pointed over the near hillside. The two other ponies looked in the direction he was pointing and could barely make out a tall, shanty looking building.

"What's that?" Sky asked.

"That there's the Plot Hole. It's the most isolated brothel in Equestria. We all know these hermit ponies in the middle of nowhere need their kicks, too. I thought I'd give them some fresh meat," the pimp snickered, yanking Trixie's mane, eliciting a squeal of pain from the mare.

"Hey! You hurt her one more time and I swear to CELESTIA I'm gonna really let you have it, buddy!" Sky seethed, nostrils flared and eyes narrowed.

Harley took a step away from Sky. This was a side of the pegasus he had never seen before, and from the expression on Sky's face, he hoped he would never see it again.

"You will, will you?" asked A Pimp Named Slickmane. With this he raised his hoof and smacked Trixie across the face, sending her crashing into the dirt.

Sky let out a blood-chilling scream before he charged the suited stallion, an ocean of rage flowing through him. The pegasus swung his hoof, missing the suited pony by mere inches. Now it was Slickmane's turn. With one swift motion, the pimp turned around and bucked the pegasus pony in the stomach, knocking the wind from his lungs and sending him

tumbling to the ground, gasping for breath.

Harley galloped to meet Sky's attacker with the force of a freight train, eyes focused on his target. The pimp's horn began to glow as he levitated something from his suit pocket: a gun. By now, Harley was in melee range, unaware of the metallic object in Slickmane's magical grasp. The aura brought the gun downward, slamming it against Harley's head. With a cry of agony, Harley collapsed to the ground next to Trixie, rubbing his now bleeding forehead.

"To hay with all y'all! I'm just gonna kill ya now!" the slick maned pony declared, cocking the pistol, "starting with you, whorse!"

Trixie cowered as Slickmane pointed the barrel to her head, allowing her to gaze up at her own demise. Time seemed to slow as the unicorn mare braced for her certain death and awaited it's cold embrace. A pale blue blur passed in front of her before she could comprehend the situation.

BANG!

A small hole formed in the passing blur, sending droplets of red splattering about the ground. As time returned to normal and the passing blur faded, Trixie looked in the direction it had passed and noticed Sky laying on the ground, motionless, his chest smothered in red.

"Celestia dammit! That damn kid got in the way! Now I gotta try agai --" the pimp said before he was cut off by Harley leaping onto him and pinning him to the ground.

"You. Son. Of. A. Bitch. You. Shot. My. Friend. You. Mother. Bucker!"

With each punch, more blood began to seep from Slickmane's mouth and nose and more tears began to seep from Harley's eyes until his punches were nothing more than little taps. The earth pony removed himself from atop the pimp and slowly crawled over to Sky, sobbing all the while.

"Sky! Wake up! Please wake up! Don't you die on me! DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" he bawled, shaking the limp pegasus.

Slowly, the pegasus began to stir, opening his eyes to look at his pathetic looking friend staring down on him.

"Hey, Harley," Sky whispered, "How's it going?"

Harley's frown quickly changed to a face-splitting grin as he wrapped the pegasus in an unbearably tight embrace. When Sky began to wheeze some, the earth pony knew to loosen his grip. To Harley's surprise, Sky was able to stand up on his hooves rather quickly.

"How the hay are already feeling fine? You got shot!" Harley exclaimed.

Sky rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof as he nervously chuckled.

"I sorta took along an extra jar of that red paint stuff from the village in case I had to reapply it. It must have shattered when the bullet hit it," the pegasus replied looking at his red splattered vest.

"Wait. Where's Trixie?" Harley asked.

Sky's eyes went wide and his ears perked as if he had forgotten to where clothes to school.

"Oh no! Where is she?" Sky asked frantically, looking everywhere but where she was. Harley grabbed Sky's face and pointed it in the direction of the blue unicorn who was staring at them with an angry expression.

"Sweetie!" Sky exclaimed rushing to the mare's side. He plopped down beside her, unaware that she was scooting away from him. "You're safe now, Trixie! We saved you fro --" Sky managed to utter before the mare interrupted.

"Get the hay away from Trixie, you stupid dumbass! Can't you take a hint? I don't like you, we were never together, and you will never find love because you are RETARDED!" she shrieked.

Harley's mouth formed an "o" of surprise. Looking back at Sky, he saw the pegasai's ears down, his lips quivering, and tsunamis about to erupt from his eyes. Before Harley could say anything, Sky got up and ran off in the direction of Ponyville, crying his eyes out and sobbing like a newborn.

"Idiotic cretin," Trixie said.

"How could you?"

"Pardon?"

Trixie looked at the green earth pony; his gaze was to the ground, but it was clear that he was less than pleased.

"How could you do that to him? Now he's never going to be happy again."

"Well it serves that idiot right for stalking Trixie like that. Besides, I'm way too far out of his league."

The next thing Trixie felt were powerful hooves grasping her shoulders. She looked up to see an angry-eyed Harley staring knives into her heart.

"He took a bullet for you! He loves you, dammit -- open your eyes!

Love. Trixie had never known the meaning of the word. Ever since she was a foal, everypony had tried to exploit her beauty. That was how she had gotten into this profession, after all. Now that there was a pony who genuinely loved her for just being her, the mare was unable to comprehend these new feelings flowing through her brain.

"Trixie...I" she stammered.

"I think I know where Sky is. I think you owe him an apology," Harley replied, winking.

The unicorn mare smiled, tears welling in her eyes, causing her gaze to glisten in the light of the setting sun.

"Trixie...I mean 'I' think I do." she replied.

The sound of a cocking gun made them turn to find Slickmane's magical aura surrounding the gun once more. Harley stepped in front of Trixie to shield her from the ravenous pimp.

"You think I'm done?" asked the suited pony, wiping blood from his mouth, "I ain't dead yet. Now by a long shot!"

The next thing that the three ponies heard was the revving of a motorcycle and the sound of a pony whooping in excitement. A large chopper with skulls and wings painted on it slid in front of Harley and Trixie. A brown earth pony dismounted it and cantered over to Slickmane, throwing him over his shoulder.

"What the buck you doin'? Put me down!" the pimp protested.

"Sorry," said the brown earth pony, "But we Hell's Pegasai don't take to kindly to ponies who buck with our fellow members."

With that, the earth stallion slid the pimp off his his back and over the edge of the hill, sending him rolling down to the river of rapids bellow. The brown pony turned to look at Trixie. When he opened his mouth to speak, his mouth hung open and his eyes widened.

"D-dad?" he asked.

"Bull? Is that really you?" Harley asked.

Once the realization hit them, the two of them locked in a loving embrace, realizing that they had now found what they had lost many years before.

"Ahem," the unicorn mare interjected, causing the two earth ponies to break apart, "I don't mean to be rude, but there's a pony who I need to apologize to, so if we could possibly save the catching up for another time, that would be just wonderful."

Harley looked at his son, shrugged, then broke into a gallop in the direction of where Sky was sure to be -- Trixie and Bull Runner not far behind.

"Hey barkeep, another shot of Daniel's, please," Sky said, his speech slightly slurred.

"Hey kid, don't you think you've had enough for one night?" asked the bartender.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough!" exclaimed the pegasus, "now get me more liquor! I need to be totally hammered to forget this."

The barkeep came back with another shot of Applejack Daniel's and handed it to Sky, who downed it in one gulp. The pegasus sighed as he set the empty shot glass next to the other seventy-five glasses of hard liquor he had emptied in the past hour.

"What's gotcha so down, kid?" the bartender asked.

"She was a temptress. The fairest of all maidens. A mare far beyond what I had ever imagined beauty could possibly be. Though she knew how to please a stallion, she knew no permanent suitor; only spending time with those who paid her the most. What a corrupted society we live in, isn't it?" Sky replied.

"Yeah. You've had enough for one night."

As the bartender trotted away shaking his head, Sky slumped in his seat and huffed.

"Mind if I join you?" asked a gentle voice.

"Sure. Go ahead." replied Sky, sighing.

A blue figure hopped up on the bar stool next to him. Sky looked over and noticed her swirled white mane and her flowing white tail. Her purple eyes looked back at him with a sympathetic expression. Finally, Sky's ears perked up and his eyes widened to an almost impossible size.

"Trixie?! What are you doing here?!"

"I came to apologize for my behavior. I had no idea that you felt that way about me. The meaning of love seemed to elude me all these years, but you've shown me what love truly is, Sky." she said, placing her hoof on his own.

The pegasus quickly drew his hoof back and turned away from the blue unicorn.

"I don't believe you! No matter how nice and beautiful you may be, I don't think I can trust you ever again!" he said, pouting.

"She's telling the truth, Sky," Harley replied, cantering to stand next to a still-pouting Clear Sky.

"Dad's right. She knows what she did was wrong and now she wants your forgiveness. What've you got to lose Sky?" Bull added.

Even with his friends said otherwise, Sky still did not turn to look at Trixie.

"I'm not sure she means it."

A set of hooves grasped Sky and turned him around. The next thing he felt was a pair of lips connecting with his in a tender but firm kiss. Sky's cheeks brightened and his entire body began to grow warmer and warmer by the second.

When Trixie's lips finally left his, the unicorn looked back at him.

"Do you believe me now?" she asked.

Still stunned by her gesture, it took Sky a minute or two to snap back to reality and respond.

"Y-yeah. I do now," he replied with a smile. Trixie then pulled the pegasus in for a tight embrace.

"I love you, Clear Sky," she whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too, Trixie!" he shouted. Even though every patron of the bar had heard his confession of love, the pegasus didn't care. He was finally with the mare of his dreams.

"So, what are you gonna do now, Harley?" Sky asked.

"Well, since I really have nothing else to do, I think I might run with my son's gang and see where the wind takes me," he said, wrapping his arm around Bull. "The question is: what do you plan on doing, Trixie?"

The unicorn pondered for a moment, then replied.

"I plan on redeeming myself and showing everypony back in Ponyville that I'm no longer and never again will be a cheap whorse. Of course, I also plan on helping foals to succeed in their own lives..."

She paused, then looked at the pegasus stallion across from her.

"What do you say, Sky? Will you help me with that?" she asked with a wink.

Harley and Bull's eyes went wide with shock as they realized what Trixie had just Sky to do. Sky, of course, seemed none the wiser.

"You bet! I'll do whatever it takes!"