A Hidden Feeling

by Armyidiot

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Suicide / Self Harm, Princess Celestia
Length: 1571

What could Twilight be hiding? This strange feeling that never goes away?

Twilight Sparkle should be happy. But she's not. She has everything anypony could ever want. But she doesn't care. Friends. Loneliness. A smile. A frown. Laughs that could make a baby giggle. Sobbing that won't ever come up. She tries so hard to care. It's impossible.

My own feelings about and dealing with depression. I'm projecting super hard here and just trying to vent. Don't pity me, I don't need it. Save it for those who do.

Published 2018-03-02 04:40:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-02 04:40:12 UTC

Everything and Nothing

Twilight woke up that morning feeling like she did every morning. Groggy. Tired. Feeling like she hasn't gotten enough sleep. Just wanting to drift back into dreamland, away from all the troubles of waking up. But she can't, because if she did then somepony-or dragon- would bother her to no end to get up and do what needed to be done. Just one day, one day is all she asks, to simply be left alone and not bothered for anything. Let her wallow in misery and lust and every other little thing she hated. But nopony in their right mind would.

Turning off the incessant ringing of her alarm clock, holding the hammer so it didn't break her eardrums any more than it already did, the unicorn-turned-alicorn got out of bed, stretching and trying to wake up. She turned and looked into a mirror, noting the deep bags under her eyes and the bloodshot lines going through the white of her eyes. The way her hooves almost dragged on the floor or the way her hair felt greasy even after a hot shower last night. The lines of stress and many nights spent trying to cry. All solved with a spell and a mask. Definitely not healthy but she really didn't care. Whatever it took to not be bothered.

Sighing, Twilight took a moment to run through a checklist of everything she had to do today. Standard chores, lunch at Sugarcube Corner, helping Fluttershy out with her plants, then... oh. Yeah, Princess Celestia was coming today, wasn't she? Time to turn the mask up to 11.

Turning back to her reflection in the mirror, the purple princess forced a bright smile onto her face, almost painfully fake and forced. Enough to satisfy her friends and the princess. Hopefully.

Princess Twilight Sparkle. That title always left a sick taste in her mouth.

She was happy being a student of the princess, that's all she ever wanted. Twilight didn't want to become a princess, or an alicorn, or somepony as important as this! She just wanted to be her, and left to do what she wanted. Fate does seem to have a sick sense of humor.

"Twilight?"

"Oh! I'm sorry Princess, I must have gotten sidetracked." Twilight quickly placed her smiling mask back on, guiltily rubbing a hoof behind her head.

Princess Celestia didn't look so amused or fooled, however. Wearing a serene smile showering concern, "Twilight, this is the fourth time that you've 'gotten sidetracked.' If there's something wrong, you know you can confide in me, correct?"

Her mask cracked. Only slightly. But it was enough for her oh so fake smile to almost fall. Patching it back up, Twilight quickly lied to her, "I was just thinking of Rainbow Dash. She's on her first real tour with the Wonderbolts and she hasn't written to us yet."

"It has only been three days since she's departed, Twilight." Celestia's own smile fell, being replaced with a concerned frown entirely focused on her former student. "You never were a good liar, you know. What is wrong? I promise, I will do whatever I can to help you."

The mask chipped again. This time enough for her smile to really fall, along with her gaze to rest on the crystal tiles. "I just don't want to talk about it. I can get over it on my own."

"Twilight, please. I want to help. Do you not trust me?"

Twilight sighed, both in annoyance and exhaustion. "I do trust you, Celestia. I also don't want to burden you with it."

"I assure you, whatever it is won't-"

"I hate myself." The whisper was enough to interrupt the white alicorn, but not enough to let her hear it.

"I'm sorry, Twilight, I didn't catch that."

"I hate myself." Again, the whisper was just too quiet for the ears.

"I still didn't hear-"

"I fucking hate myself, alright?!"

Celestia was at a loss for words. Of all the things she expected, this was probably the farthest from what she did expect.

Twilight undid the illusions hiding her mussy, greasy mane, the bloodshot eyes, and the bags hanging from them. "I hate myself. I can't even bring myself to care about anything. The only reason why I get up and do things is just to get ponies to stop bothering me. I want a day to myself, only me and nothing else. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I always feel like I haven't had enough sleep." The mare raised her head, staring clear into her mentor's light magenta eyes. "I go to bed early and I wake up before my alarm clock, still feel like shit. I go to bed late, wake up the same time, feel the same way. I didn't want to be a princess or an alicorn, I just wanted to be me. That's all. Not some super fucking dandy princess in a castle, or one of only four of a race that is impossible to become or be born as. I just wanted to be Twilight happy-as-can-fucking-be Sparkle, the unicorn and your student. I had my eyes set on becoming a leader of the magus order, training to be as great as Star Swirl! Nope, instead you had to go and give me something that apparently made me so fucking important that I had to join a race my foalsitter is!"

Twilight was breathing heavily at this point, but she still didn't look away from Celestia. "I'm tired. I want to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to be bothered anymore. No responsibilities, no crowns, just me and a little cottage out in the forest, tending to a tiny farm and living alone. It feels like I'm slogging through four feet of mud, each and every day, all day long. There are times when I actually debate killing myself, hell, I was planning on doing it when my friends had all left Ponyville to go where their dreams took them, but now with this damn map and castle, I can't! I'm bound here, both because I'm a princess, and because I was a bearer of the Element of Magic. There is so much riding on my shoulders that I feel like I'm going to be crushed half of the time because of it."

The tired, tired pony layed her head down onto the ground, moving the pillow she was sitting on under her head. "I'm so tired. I've tried everything I can, but nothing works. There are so many more things that I could bitch about, I could do it all day, but I can't remember half of them right now. I can't even cry, I can't force myself to care enough to do it. I get so angry about the little things I tend to scream when I'm alone. I'm mad at you, my friends, Spike, everything, myself above all else. I should be happy about all of this. I have everything I could ever want and more. But I hate it. I feel like a broken record. I even tried once to hint to Spike that not everything is as it seems, but he thought it was a joke and laughed it off. Maybe that's what I should do. Just laugh it all off and go fucking insane. Be a lot more fun than whatever the hell this is."

Celestia regarded her student in a new light. All of this must have been so painful to hide. It felt dirty and relieving to hear it all. A horrible secret and a priceless confession. Celestia couldn't do anything besides say, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, you're sorry. It's not like the practical goddess of the sun with centuries of experience should have known what was going to happen." Twilight lazily waved a hoof at the alicorn, not even looking at her now. "A few 'experts' say that forcing yourself to smile can trick your brain into thinking you're happy. Either they're complete retards or its bullshit. I've been wearing a mask for close to three years and I've barely felt happy in all that time. In any case," Twilight said, getting off of the pillow and blowing a strand of her mane out of her face, "It's likely better that I became an alicorn. Tirek, Starlight, and probably some other dangerous threat in the future. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't done something. Greater good, self sacrifice, all that crap."

Celestia wasn't able to look Twilight in the eye. She felt responsible for her student's obvious depression. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Twilight paused from the drink she took to stare at the white princess with a curious eyebrow raised. "Besides kill me? Ignore it. Forget this ever happened. Don't pity me. I don't want, need, or deserve it." She turned to stare in the tired eyes of her reflection from the drink in her magic before setting it down, disgusted with what she saw. "I don't care if I need help. It's too much of a bother to get some."

Both alicorns rose, the purple stretching and yawning, the white showing concern but uncertainty halting her hoof. "If you'll excuse me Princess," said the tired one, "I am going to get some food then try to sleep. I have another day to slog through tomorrow."