Thanatophobia

by Prince Paladin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Anon, Second Person, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Drama
Length: 1583

No, I'm not salty about the Raven vs. Twilight Death Battle. Why do you ask?

After hearing about Twilight's loss in Death Battle, Anon decides it's time for Twilight to take some lessons in self-defense. Twilight isn't interested, saying that the magic of friendship can get her through anything. But is that exactly why she should take these lessons...?

Published 2018-03-02 04:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-02 04:10:07 UTC

Life after Death Battle

Author's Note

Most Death Battle fans deal with their favorite character losing by raging in YouTube comments sections. I thought I'd do something different...

As such, this was done mostly to deal with my own disappointment, so if it stinks, I apologize in advance. Regardless, I hope you enjoy it!

Life after Death Battle

"Well, I guess we can say you've got Form I down, but you do know I'm not handing out any grades, right?" You say to Twilight as she eagerly drops her faux katana.

"Yeah, I remember." She replies. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to Celestia, that was your only incentive for completing any physical curriculum in her School for Gifted Unicorns. And you're putting the same amount of investment here."

Twilight remained silent for a moment, looking to the side as if she was thinking. "...listen, Anon. I'm not sure this is something I really wanna learn."

"It's because I'm getting all this from an internet PDF, isn't it?" You say with a sigh. "Look, I tried all this out on your brother in a practice duel, and we both agree. This works as a martial art."

"Anon..."

"I know it was developed for a sci-fi fantasy franchise, but that's just it. Hollywood had to develop something original, which to them means borrowing many elements from a lot of material that already exists. In a way, we're going over many sword-fighting styles all at once."

"Anon."

"And besides, it's not like you're learning how to kill. Lightsaber Combat is designed around disarming strikes rather than fatal strikes. It's where the stereotype of lost limbs in Lightsaber duels comes fro--"

"ANON!"

You decide to remain silent and hear her out.

"It's sweet of you to worry about me, but I'm just not interested in learning self defense." She says with a sweet expression. "That episode of Death Battle aside, I've gotten through a lot with my friends, and I'm confident I can get through a lot more if I have to."

"I get that, Twilight, I really do. But Celestia, your brother and I all agree, it couldn't hurt for you to know how to handle yourself in a dangerous situation. Now, do you wanna take a break, or jump right into Form II?"

Now her expression turns a bit irritated. "Break. Definitely break."

She walks off, leaving you to look over her practice blade and yours.

Twilight looks down on where you're sitting outside her castle, wondering just what to do with you, when Starlight walks in.

"I hear you finally got 'Form I' down from Anon." she says, concerned.

Twilight sighs before responding. "I've never needed to learn self defense before, and that's after facing threat to Equestria after threat to Equestria! ...er, no offense."

"None taken. But I can still see why everypony would want you to learn how to protect yourself after--"

"Don't even talk about it. It wasn't even me actually losing to anypony, it was a bunch of guys with too much time saying I'd lose to a superhero that may or may not even actually exist!"

"Yeah, Anon and Spike both have told me all about the questionable history of these 'Death Battles'..." Starlight said as she rolled her eyes. "But I don't think your friends are worried about you because they think those idiots are right. Speaking as a friend, we like you for a lot of reasons, and whether or not you could kick anypony's flank isn't one of them." Suddenly, she saw the rest of the Mane Six approaching you, and smirked a little. "I'd explain why they're worried about you, but something tells me they can speak for themselves..."

Starlight then walked off, leaving Twilight to notice her friends down below.

The princess of friendship was about to approach her friends, but decided to keep her distance for a bit when one of her friends started speaking.

"Alright Anon, we saw your video." Applejack said as she gave you your phone back. "And to be perfectly honest sugarcube, we still don't get it."

"We understand you being worried about Twilight," Fluttershy said. "but swordfighting isn't really her thing."

"Who cares if she can be outfought?" Rainbow Dash said. "We're her friends, we won't let anything happen to her! And are you really gonna doubt the Wonderbolt pegasus that can easily destroy a giant robot?"

Everyone there rolled their eyes. Ever since Rainbow Dash discovered Death Battle, it's been nothing but this. Everypony except for her parents have gotten sick of it, even Scootaloo needed a break now and then.

"No, but that's exactly the point." you explain. "We all know that with the magic of friendship, you guys can overcome anything. But the axiom is that if you were to be divided, then what? Discord figured this out when he was first reawakened, it should be easy for anyone else to figure it out as well."

"We get it darling, but Twilight's not exactly a slouch without us either." Rarity said.

"I know she isn't, it's just..." you say before looking down at your practice blade. "When that Death Battle was first announced, I was scared. Not because it looked like they wanted to break the win streak you guys have been having, not because the suspicious proximity to that ugly ToonKriticY2K business made it look like a punishment to bronies, and most certainly not because I didn't believe Twilight could win in a fair fight. Rule number one of ponies in Death Battle: the pony is always underestimated. No, it was because DB has been favoring bloodier and bloodier finishes, and at the time, I was worried that I'd have to watch her be brutally maimed by, quite honestly, one of my least favorite DC superheroes."

The ponies all looked at each other, confused as to what exactly you're getting at.

You take a deep breath, sigh, and say "I just... I'm afraid of losing her if something happens. Aren't you?"

Coming to the realization, Fluttershy moves in for a hug first, followed swiftly by the rest. "Of course we are, sugarcube." Applejack says. "But we can't get hung up over maybes and mights. None of us exactly lead lives that involve plenty of fights."

"Well, except for that time with Nightmare Moon." Pinkie said. "And Discord. ...and Queen Chrysallis. ...and King Sombra. ...and Tirek. ...and Starlight Glimmer. ...and--"

"We get it, Pinkie." you say, not wanting to hear anymore.

"Actually, I think she kinda has a point." Rainbow Dash says as the hug disbands. "Thinking about all the baddies we pounded over the years, I'm starting to think that maybe--"

"You were right."

All of you turn around to see Twilight, and Pinkie rushes up to her. "And they say I'm good at surprises! How long were you standing there, sneaky?"

"Long enough." Twilight says as she brushes Pinkie aside and flies up to you. "I'm sorry, Anon. I always knew you were doing this out of concern, but I didn't think it was necessary until I was reminded of how much it would worry my friends if I was stuck in a situation where I'd need that training and couldn't handle myself."

"Well, I appreciate that, but it's not necessary." you reply. "I understand things from your perspective too, no one wants to be in a situation where they have to learn self defense. But that doesn't mean it's not a good idea to learn how to defend yourself."

"Regardless, I should've been more appreciative of your teachings, and for that, I'm sorry." Twilight said as she embraces your neck with her front legs.

"What do you think, guys? Wanna make this a full group hug?" you ask Twilight's friends.

"This isn't a hug." Twilight says, getting some confusion from you before she spins around your head and applies pressure to your windpipe, but not enough for any serious damage. "It's a choke hold!"

Everypony there laughs as she brings you down, then lets go. Rainbow Dash then flies in to elbow Twilight's side. "That was awesome, Twilight! You really caught 'em by surprise!"

After you start to get up, coughing until you get your breath back, you smile up at Twilight and say "Yeah... You really did..."

Twilight smiles back, then levitates her practice blade towards herself as she enters a ready stance. "Now, if I remember correctly, we were about to begin with Form II?"

"Looks like they'll be busy for a while." Applejack asks the other ponies. "Wanna head over to Sugar Cube Corner?"

All of them agree. ...well, save for one.

"As if!" Rainbow Dash says. "I'm not missing a moment of this! Maybe they'll teach me next..."

Rolling their eyes, the rest of the ponies walk off, leaving you to instruct Twilight and your new "padawan".

"Now, Form II, otherwise known as Makashi, is actually the one I'm most eager to teach you. It's used to toy with opponents, and is characterized by its single hand grip, but because you use magic instead of hands, your opponent shouldn't be able to tell the difference. The key here is quick and precise movements, and expending as little kinetic energy as possible, but before we get to basic slashes, let's go over some basic feints. Now, this one strikes at body zone 1 when correctly performed, but before you swing that way, you're gonna wanna bring the sword around your side until it's behind you, like so..."