Here you are, not only abandoned in some insane world filled with magical talking ponies, but in the very bedchamber of the head honcho princess horsey horse. You’re not sure exactly why she’s summoned you although the prospect of being alone with the magical princess of the sun sets your teeth on edge. Thus far all the ponies you’ve run into have been friendly enough, at worst curious about how odd you are in comparison to the other creatures of Equestria, but being confronted with their leader leaves you nervous. You’d seen her shortly after you arrived, waking up nude in a crater somewhere outside of Canterlot, but it was only at a distance and with a sizeable contingent of guards between her and yourself. While you’d only seen her that one time in person you’d heard tales of her beauty and poise, hell, Twilight would nearly salivate while describing her former mentor.
Cautiously you creep forward, closely examining the lavish interior of the princess’s chamber as you encroach deeper into her sanctum. Rounding a corner you stop, your heart leaps into your throat as your gaze settles upon a veiled bed at the far side of the room. You can’t be sure if the princess is trying to be coy or playing some sort of game, her lustrous mane and tail magically undulate behind the gossamer fabric obscuring the bed.
“Anon, so nice of you to join me,” her lilting voice nearly causes you to melt, instantly disarming any fear or trepidation you’d held when forcefully “summoned” to meet with her.
“Summoned” may be a bit of a lenient phrase, you were practically black-bagged by the royal guard as you tried to enjoy a salad at one of the cafes in Ponyville. No preamble, no pleasant note or letter, simply a contingent of guards showing up, bedecked in armor while you were attempting to eat lunch. The fact that one of them, a particularly stalwart stallion, shouted “STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!” hadn’t helped the situation in the slightest. Needless to say you were escorted to the royal castle in Canterlot before being shoved into Celestia’s chamber.
“So, uh,” you fumble for words, looking down at the immaculately polished floor, “what can I do for ya Mrs. Horsey Horse?”
She chuckles, so delicately that it could be mistaken for a whisper on the wind. Shifting slightly her horn begins to glow with amber light, magically drawing the curtain from around her bed.
There she is, the alabaster horse princess of the sun. God damn she’s hot. Not that you’d ever considered fornicating with a horse before but a couple months of being surrounded by plump pony posteriors has a way with screwing with your head. Regardless you draw nearer, taking a step closer towards the bed and the diarch who lay upon it.
“I summoned you anon because I have several...questions,” she says, smiling ever so slightly as she eyes you from head to toe.
“Um,” you gulp, “about what exactly?”
“Oh generalities really: how well you’re integrating, any noteworthy experiences, if you remember how you got here,” she casually states, waving a hoof around theatrically.
You try to listen but your eyes are drawn to her royal flank and, holy cow, what a flank it was. Her words turned to a meaningless droning as you fixated on the imperial derriere, you could feel sweat beading your brow and your slacks begin to tighten. Mom had always said it wasn’t good to stare at the sun, unfortunately her words fell on deaf ears as you continued to look upon the celestial booty.
“Anon!” Celestia’s shout shakes you from your reverie, jolting you back to reality and the rather annoyed alicorn princess glaring at you.
“Yes ma’am?” you ask, trying your best to seem innocent yet failing miserably under her wilting gaze.
“You were rather unabashedly looking at my rump,” she flatly states with a scornful look on her countenance.
“Um, I’m sorry?” you say awkwardly, shuffling in place and praying to whatever deity may be listening that she doesn’t notice your boner.
The princess shakes her head, either ashamed or displeased with your lack of etiquette although, in all likelihood, both. “Anon, we really must address your lack of tact while addressing royalty,” she sighs, rubbing her face with a gilded hoof.
“Like you’re one to talk,” you protest, emboldened by your abduction from Ponyville, “your goons practically kidnapped me!”
“Is that so?” she asks, somewhat askance at your assertion.
“Damn right! I was eating lunch when they showed up and hauled me off,” you continue, stepping forward and closer to her in the process. You’re not sure how but something catches your shoe, offsetting your balance and sending you tumbling forward. Time slowed to a crawl, your arms flung out to your sides, pinwheeling desperately, in an attempt to regain your footing. You feel something shift in your pocket, looking down in slow motion you realize your purchase from earlier in the day was working its way out of your pants.
‘Oh god no, anything but that,’ you scream mentally but it’s too late, the vessel tumbles free and tumbles to the ground shattering its contents across the pristine marble floor. One hand thrusts out dramatically, a pained expression on your face as you realize what has just happened. “My spaghet!” you cry to the heavens, a single tear crawls down your face as your heart, much like the mason jar which contained your dinner, shatters.
The room lies frozen, the princess motionless upon her bed while you look down at the marinara nightmare plastered on Celestia’s chamber floor. What seemed like an eternity of silence was suddenly broken as you heard the barest titter, lifting your head you see the princess stifling herself, tears of mirth in her eyes at the absurdity of what she’s just witnessed. Your jaw nearly drops, it’s your first time speaking with nobility and you made a fool out of yourself so you do the only thing you can under such circumstances. Placing your hands on your hips you look down, plastering a mock crestfallen expression on your face as you look to the princess.
“Well, I guess that makes me the sauce boss now doesn’t it?” you ask, grinning like an idiot in a desperate attempt to placate the princess after so shamelessly eying her mere moments ago.
The princess bursts into laughter, limbs kicking out wildly as she wallows about on her bed. Her tiara rolls off the mattress and clatters to the floor as Celestia continues to guffaw uncontrollably at the foolishness she’d just observed. You start to chuckle yourself, more than a little thankful that the situation has been successfully disarmed by your buffoonery.
Pfffffffffft
The world goes still for a second time, surely that couldn’t have been what you thought it was. You quickly look up to the princess and notice she’s stopped laughing, the gleeful expression she’d been wearing now replaced by a deep blush as she averts her eyes from your own.
“Princess,” you stammer, “did you just cut one?”
Her eyes go wide with shock, wordlessly acknowledging the truth as her blush deepens. You begin to giggle like an idiot, clutching your sides as you realize what what had just happened. Falling to the floor you wallow in the pasta and tomato sauce, laughing like a madman as an amber light cascades around your frame. The cosmic embarrassment the alicorn feels erupts as she casts her spell, flinging you across dimensions and back to the little blue marble known as Earth.
Opening your eyes, and wiping them of spaghetti sauce, you find yourself in a random field back on your home planet. Standing up you pick a random direction and start walking, pretty sure you’ll be committed to a loony bin once you try to explain where you’ve been.
Author's Note
Moral of the story folks, equines eat a lot of fiber so be mindful when in the presence of a demigod pony noble should they accidentally let one rip!
