All in a Day's Work

by Navanastra

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Human, Main 6
Length: 23925

This is simply the simple story of a man, who has taken the destiny of being Equestria's prime protector from the main 6 and is now wielding the most powerfull mcguffin know to ponykind. Only problem, he is too lazy to be bothered.

Follow the interdimensional quest of Alexander Becker, a local nut head, and a well-known Couch Potato to all. Who, for some reason, suddenly gets thrust into the world of care bear copy cats and the home of the most generic cartoon villains imaginable. Only for him to steal the Elements of Harmony from the supposed six destined mares, while becoming the new staunch protector of Equestria himself. The only problem is, he is far too lazy to be bothered, has issues of misusing his new McGuffin for his own personal needs, and spends way too much time sitting on his couch eating cheese and drinking coffee all day. Much to the dismay of Twilight Sparkle.

But even so, evil doers be vigilant, because a NEW evil doer is in town. Who is (sometimes) way too lazy to be either the hero or the villain. Also, he now wields the McGuffin. So there’s that.

Published 2018-03-03 13:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-24 15:59:53 UTC

Chapter Uno: Because I can speak a little bit of Spanish

Author's Note

Hello you all, hope all enjoy this new story I have posted. For now, this fic is mostly just a one shot, but if enough peoples want to see more off it. Then feel free to voice your...well voice IN TEXT FORM down in the comments.

Again hope you all like it.

Chapter Uno: Because I can speak a little bit of Spanish

//All in a Day’s Work//

Chapter Uno: Because I can speak a little bit of Spanish

Edited by: phanazd and Luckyfanisaac

“… And this is why my logic is superior to yours, because mine doesn’t make a lot of sense to begin with. Which means that you don’t understand it, which also means that my logic is smarter than yours. Period.” I typed into my laptop before sending it off to this now very annoyed and confused dude that I just randomly came across on Twitter.

How do I know that he is confused? Well, let’s just say that I have a natural knack for situations like this: shitposting faceless online people and general trolling. Call it a skill, something that I am sure the government would pay for… if they ever wanted me, that is.

First, I don’t trust them, and second, I don’t care about them either. Politics are practically all the same across the board, which basically revolves around a lot of shadowing about and not enough reasons to give the populace to just grab their torches and pitchforks to call upon a new revolution.

Shadowy, sneaky, little bastards. Which is bad, because it makes me want to know ALL of their secrets, if I could. But oh well, being housed inside my cousin’s house in front of a laptop is also pretty good.

That, and having an easy access to coffee and some of my favorite brands of cheese. As long as I can get access to those and the internet to continue my online reign of terror, I really don’t care who wears the tinfoil on the top.

I should technically be working just like every other normal person. The keyword being “normal” here. That, and I am generally too comfortable of a person to be bothered to be a respectable member of society. Also, nobody really has the tenacity to keep me around for too long, anyway. I am either too far away for them or too close for comfort… mentally, I mean, not physically.
You perverts.

Besides that little issue, I generally just use most of my time sucking on Netflix or Youtube while freeloading off of my cousins and taking care of a home’s needs, like watering the plants for example. Both artificial and natural, that is, as long as my arch-nemesis from next door isn’t being an ass again.

“Speaking of the internet. Need to nuke my search history before Dave asks me to borrow my machine again when he gets back. Better to be safe than sorry is my motto.” I thought to myself before finally signing out from Twitter.
Dave’s one of my younger cousins, but he isn’t really showing up today, so who cares?

Either way, the internet is just so spread-out and vast, you just get this sense of curiosity of typing in every search word that you can think of and eventually landing on some search results that are rather… questionable.
Family friendly not included.

“Here, click there, scroll here, aaaaand… done. All of the evidence has been burned and sent to digital hell. I now have… the perfect alibi.” I talked to myself with a grin, mimicking SpongeBob’s “Imagination” at the end, looking at the new collection of sites that I have power-opened all over my desktop to fill up the lost history that used to be there before. I arched a curious eyebrow while making an “ooh” face at some of these new sites.

Said sites spanned pretty much everything, from anime, to furry sites, random crap in between and that one very odd-looking page that displays bagpipes in all different colors and sizes, with added text and emotes above them that read more like sex slurs and hearts than anything else.

Why? Because why the fuck not? It’s the internet, after all.
“Oh, already ran out of coffee, it seems. Better make myself a new mix of Joe before I start terrorizing the inhabitants of Facebook. Gonna need to keep my mind straight if I want to avoid the obvious clickbaits and bots. I already nuked my history today and I really don’t feel like having to do it again in about 10 minutes or so. Efficiency is the word here.” I rambled to myself as I got up from my couch with my mug before heading in the general direction of the 3rd best room in this house.

You may ask “Why third?” Easy - it’s after the bathroom and the bedroom. Why? Because the bedroom is where I sleep and the bathroom is the place for doing my business, if I feel civilized enough to do it indoors, that is. Thanks to my neighbor, I have really gotten used to doing it like the hippies.

I should technically be angry that this asshole intentionally threw his used pig manure to our side of the hedge this morning. But then again, it landed right on top our compost pile, so really, all is well… for now.

Either way, once there, I simply allowed myself to be guided via autopilot. Years of having done the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and - I am basically just wasting time just to get to the good part - over and, over again allowed my muscle memory to do its thing while I was mentally busy playing ping pong.

I grabbed the coffee tin, the spoon, and the kettle of hot water before setting my mug next to them and do what I have been doing for years constantly.

Talk about the insanity of literally doing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and ov… fine, I’ll stop, but you all get the point.

You all, the invisible audience that doesn’t exist. Because imagination, and the need to kill some time while I am subconsciously making my coffee.

I was about to stir the mix when a sudden electric surge made itself known upon my spine, causing me to shiver slightly at the sensation and helping stir the mix even faster. I stopped afterwards, arching a wandering eyebrow before darting my eyes suspiciously from left to right.

There was a strange scent within the room. No, it wasn’t a fart, otherwise I would have automatically dismissed this electrifying feeling as nothing more but my bowel movements telling me that a visit to the throne room should be next on my to do list. No, the smell was something else, something closely related to the scent of rosebuds. A strange scent for sure, especially when I know for a fact that neither me nor my cousins make any use of scented candles within the house. Maybe the bathroom, but that would quickly turn into a lost cause given in the inhabitants of this home, especially me.
But alas, I eventually just shrugged. Not the first time when my overly active mind (not for the same reason as most people) would be playing tricks on me and causing me to spill a glass of water on some unlucky wedding guests next to the table.

With that thought out of my mind, I casually took my freshly made hot mug off the counter and made my way back towards the living room to continue my reign of terror. Or I would have, if it wasn’t for the fact that something was strangely wrong with my living room. The whole aesthetic and layout was so far off that it wasn’t even funny, and I usually find a reason to laugh and joke at pretty much anything.
Including kicking puppies for a sick joke.

I arched a curious eyebrow at the new “room” I was presented with. It looked a lot larger, wider, and less illuminated than the one I was so familiar with. I stepped in to take a closer look at my new surroundings, when all of a sudden something else made itself noticeable to my eyeballs. Despite the somewhat darker theme of this room - being poorly lit and what not - it surprisingly had a lot more color to its design than a normal freaking living room should have, which is fine because too much color in one’s eyes can cause an eye-crossing syndrome and a lot of blinking, which is exactly what has happened to me in the beginning as I didn’t notice the very obvious oddity in front of me at fist.

“Why does everything look like a cartoon right now?” I wondered to myself as I continued to gaze over at everything that can be gazed on without summoning up the risk of forcing someone to charge me an entry fee for the right of sightseeing.

A risk that inevitably became true when a sudden sense of realization quickly struck me, a realization which was realized all thanks to a big black racist of a cartoon horse standing on top of a podium in front of me. A distant podium which was separated by a sea of beings that immediately caused me to internally flip out. Distant memories of my childhood were awakened by this sight, memories which I had hoped would never ever resurfaced again in my life, until inevitably stumbling upon yet another YouTube video which would remind me of my childhood plight regardless.

Either way, it was WAY too early for me to be reminded once again, which was perfectly illustrated by the uncontrollable eye twitching I felt on my left eye.
I just got it cured.

“Ooh, my beloved subjects, it's been so long since I’ve seen your sun-loving faces.” I heard the big black racist horse announce with a voice that should normally be only used by Disney movie villains or well-paid porn stars. Ideas which I swiftly ignored though as I had more important things to hyperventilate about.

“The colors… the marking… the style… the exposed nudity…”

“What did you do with our Princess?” I heard someone else shout, sounding quite raspy and quite confusing in terms of gender. Something which was quickly correctified when the most gay pride looking pegasus I have ever seen tried to fly up towards the racist, only to be stopped by someone with the added voice to boot, saying something about slowing down or whatever.

Again, all of this was met with utmost irrelevance as my eyes began to rapidly scan this “NOT my living room” in a sense of increasing panic.

“The colors, by Sheogorath's beard, THE COLORS, and the similar theme markings to go with these colors.” I continued to think as the scene around me continued to be oblivious of my presence.
Not for long, though.

“Hahahahahah. Why, am I not Royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?” The racist porn star of a horse asked as the tension inside me was quickly reaching its critical mass.

“Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Uhm, Pokey Smokes! How about Queen Meanie? No, wait…”
At this point the cat was finally out the bag as I couldn’t keep the increasing sense of horror inside me.
Just like with every other exposition ever made in any bad movie or fanfic ever made by overzealous Sonic fans, I pointed a finger at everything around me and shouted.

“CARE BEARS… HORSEYFIED CARE BEARS EVERYWHERE! THE WORST NIGHTMARES OF MY EXISTENCE HAVE COME TRUE! I HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE END OF MY CAFFEINE CAUSED TRIPS, AND NOW ALL I CAN SEE IS NOTHING BUT THE VERY BANE OF MY CHILDHOOD… MOTHERFUCKING CARE BEARS!!! OH, AUNT AGNAH HAS ALWAYS WARNED ME ABOUT DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE, AND NOW I AM SEEING IT!” I madly shouted, scaring pretty much anyone close to my proximity and finally garnering the attention of the big black, but surprisingly slender talking cartoon horse herself, of a racist.

Why racist? Because she is jet black, probably making fun of all the poor black people by being even blacker than them. Black people have souls too, you know! Just like gingers, which was one hell of a revelation when I first learned about that.

Or at least that’s what the local pastor told me.

The racist PG 18 on the other hand was finally giving me a hard glare after she spotted me. A glare which I matched, though for completely different reasons than her, I am sure.

“What the? What in the stars are you?” She demanded, snarling at me, strangely enough.
Can horses even snarl? I don’t know.

“Quick, seize her. Only she knows where the Princess is!” Somebody suddenly shouted.

This caused some of the attention to divert away from us as a group of three gold-armored horses with wings suddenly charged towards snake-eyes over there.
This got missus ebony’s attention as she quickly aimed her glare towards the offending laws of physics instead of me. Why? Because even I know that those wings are FAR too small to be ever supporting lift for anyone that size.

But then again, this is so far my worst ever fever-induced nightmare playing out in front of me, so why should I really care?

“Stand back, you fools!” She threatened before copying the eyes of Zeus and also going as far as stealing his lightning move as well, aiming it directly at Huey, Luey and Duey.

Who knows, they could actually be related to one another after all, with how similar they are. Wouldn’t surprise me if that was the epic plot twist of the day. Which, at least, will give me enough reassurance to momentarily forget this horrible peril that I found myself in.

I will either start running away screaming like a madman, or going full-on Hulk on these horseyfied care bears. A very hard choice to make, which, thankfully, was already decided for me thanks to racist horse’s sudden transformation into the immaterium, turning into a cloud of black mist before flying out of the building through the same entrance that I was apparently occupying, forcing me to duck out of her path as she flew right above me.

Where I don’t know, and where I don’t care, especially when all of the room’s attention was now aimed at me. All of them looking just as terrified as little James during his first dentist visit.

Another cousin of mine, so don’t bother.

“A… A MONSTER!!” Someone suddenly shouted.
“Don’t worry, I got this.” Skittles over there shouted before taking into the air once more and speeding her way right towards me with the need for speed.

My eyes immediately went wide in surprise. Seeing no way for me to dodge this incoming gay missile I did the only thing that my Nitro-fueled brain could muster: stepping a bit backwards into the double doors arch and slamming the left door next to me shut… with immediate results.

The impact that followed was both loud and very noticeable, mostly thanks to the spawned crack on the woodwork and the painful sounding moan afterwards.

“Rainbow Dash!” A couple of females shouted, which pretty much gave me all the information I needed for me to think that my stay was no longer tolerable.

Sadly, I was actually starting to get over the fact that I was no longer in my home but in fact existing inside my worst childhood trauma in horse form. Can’t be that bad. Especially when everything looks so cartoony.

“Time to hit the road, I guess.” I told myself before turning around on the spot and making a mad dash for… somewhere, while STILL managing to keep my mug full of coffee perfectly leveled and calm at full sprint. How? Well, thanks to a couple of years of training, that’s how.

Why just a few years instead of more? Well, more years obviously means more time, which also means a lot more of it wasted throughout. Time that nobody has, even the rich people. Besides that, it also kinda doesn’t help that this place here is just as unfamiliar to me as my home’s basement. Dark, confusing, and very much the same looking wherever you look.

All thatch-roofed middle age looking houses everywhere the eye can see. Still very colorful, though, only a little bit more “girly” if the overuse of certain symbols such as hearts is anything to go by.

“The thing is running over there! Get it, it could possibly be linked with Nightmare Moon herself!” I heard someone shout from behind as I continued my coffee-stable sprint.

No need to waste a good cup of coffee, after all. And judging by this unpredictable predicament I somehow managed to find myself in, I would certainly need every single drop of Joe that I can get.

I was about to take a sip of it mid-run when suddenly, my spider senses began to tingle. Looking back behind me I could see a rainbow colored bullet speeding towards me, looking quite determined and very pissed at the same time. I wonder why?

I knew that outrunning this flying mishmash of colors was impossible for such an untrained couch potato such as myself, so I did the only sensible thing a man like me can do: stop, gently place my mug down on the ground (because no need to waste a good coffee, after all) and simply accept my faith with open arms.

Quite literally in fact, same as I openly accepted the ludicracy of existence itself.

I had a simple, neutral look of acceptance. “Time to join the gay parade, I guess. Can’t be as bad as being a full-blown hippie. But then again, I shall find out soon enough anyway.” I thought to myself before I finally got the chance to taste what a rainbow actually tastes like.

Spoiler alert, it tastes like nothing. Why? Well, I wasn’t conscious enough to really find out.

Hope my coffee at least survived the ordeal, otherwise I would still go Hulk on these talking cartoon equines for spilling the only mug of coffee I had at my disposal. For how long, who knows. Depends if these horses even know what coffee is.

For their sake, they’d better.

Chapter Dos: Becasue I'm still counting in Spanish

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter Tres: Wow, this is LOOOOOOOONG

Chapter Tres: Wow this is LOOOOOOOONG

Edited by Mr Salespony, Warlite the human

Not really sure how the heck I found myself at the edge of town, but other than that, one thing was certain. I am still far outside my comfort zone to even start feeling comfortable about this, all thanks to some mistrust over a bunch of rainbow colored horses and the need to stop some wannabe Disney villain thingy that wants to create a world of eternal darkness or whatever. You know, the typical cliché villain shit. The fact that this bitch even desires such a thing pretty much tells you right away the intelligence that she possesses. Unless her goal is to literally fuck up this world with a never-ending ice age, then she is very much on her way to finally fulfilling her dreams of doing so.

Other than that, the actual reasoning of me having to come along regardless are still pretty much dull and worthless in my book. Pinkie even openly promised me a free access pass to the Sugar cube corner’s well-kept and very exotic stash of rare coffee beans when I actively come along with them and to…

Ok yeah, now I know exactly why I am here in the first place. The moment she mentioned “exotic coffee”, was the moment where my mind pretty much engaged itself on autopilot and more or less forced me to get off my ass to follow these mares to god knows where. Only problem, I’m wearing nothing but my Pajamas, a simple red shirt with the “Procrastination like a boss” logo on it, a pair of colorful flip flops and of course my ever loyal and trustful little novelty mug from a Korean knick knack store… and they’re not exactly very appropriate for this cold ass weather that this place has.

At least the still steaming coffee inside my mug will keep me warm. I guess with that logic, drinking it all now would be detrimental to my plans of keeping it as a “Nasenwärmer”, and once more fully expose myself to the every annoying chills of a temperate night.

Oh yes and of course this world seems to possess a climate similar to most of northern Europe. Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I wasn’t originally coming from south East Asia before warping here. Your body adapts fairly quickly to the change of climate and temperatures. Especially when you originally came from a place which is mostly cold and ended up somewhere in the tropics instead…and then staying there for a couple of years to top it all off.

Either way, I was not happy nappy, and neither was my natural need for antics, jokes, and enthusiasm at the moment, for having been forced, tricked, and dragged over here to begin with.

I’m a dedicated couch potato, I don’t want to go out into the world to try and fight off some stupid cartoon villain who has more magic in her head than brains, damn it!

I don’t care what happens to this place, because I obviously don’t have any significant connections to it. Plus, if this really is like a cartoon, then it would most likely operate with cartoon logic, which in turn means that the villains always loses and the Heroes always win.

Why? Because most of the time, the villains are idiots, and Nightmare bloom is a perfect example of that.

Either way, I just grumbled to myself as I dragged along with the girls all in front of me. One was bouncing, the other was constantly craning her neck at me while the others couldn’t really give one quarter of a fuck as they simply cantered along.

Or speed walking for the horses.

Well almost all of them, really. “Uhm…I know that I have been trying to ask…well…this entire time…but…I am still very curious to know what kind of a species you really are…if…if that is ok for me ask.” Little shy asked next to me.

I have totally forgotten about her, mostly thanks to the fact that I used to drone around in autopilot ever since pinks over there brought up her whole “exotic coffee” trump card.

And here I thought that she was the shy one? Need to keep my pants on for her if my replayable knowledge of character traits can be relayed on.

Either way, it's not like I have anything better to do. Might as well talk while also trying to think of a joke that I can still make out of this situation.

“Homo sapien.” I answered, keeping my expression neutral as I continued to look ahead. Not really feeling the need to make eye contact because…I was looking at my mug instead.

Either way she was audibly about to reply (judging by her intake of air next to me) when all of the sudden the group in front of us halted.

“THE EVERFREE FOREST!!!” They all shouted at the same time.

I looked up, noting the visage that they were most likely referring too and just raising an eyebrow in return.

“What about it?” I thought to myself while scratching my bottom.

“Well, are you really certain that these Elements of Harmony of yours are really located at THAT direction? Surely there must be other more pleasant ways to get to them rather than this one?” I heard rare question.

I also heard Twilight sigh as a response. “Yes rarity, I am sure. The book does not lie and according to them THIS…”She gestured towards the path. “…is the quickest, and most direct way to them, the castle of the two sisters to be precise, and if we really want to beat nightmare moon and finally bring everything back to normal, then we really have no choice but to go through here. The longer we linger the worst the situation will become.” She responded, sounding and looking quite determined before her gaze inevitably landed back at the darkened forest ahead, every bit of enthusiasm quickly draining from her right after she did so.

The rest of the girls were not better off either, with the exception of pinkie, and I, because I am still somewhat in the dark with all of this.

Quite literally in fact. Its freaking night out here. The irony, I know

Either way, the collection of horse chicks were now engaged in a little show of ‘who gets to go first’ and all that jazz. Also pointing out the dreadfulness and scariness of how unnatural of this forest is. Fluttershy in front of me (which is by the way is a naming system I can never get behind by) was also noting how both frightening and dangerous it is and yadda yadda ya.

I, of course, found their fears to be completely ridiculous. Because, looking at this thing. It basically ticks off every other cartoon scary forest clichés that are known. Dark, damp with creepy looking trees, spiky vines going nowhere and everywhere, and of course, some fog too. White, very visible fog to be precise, in the dang dead center of the night no less.

Really shows how much NOT night the night inside cartoon worlds really is. Or at least mostly

But besides that, this is still one of the most cliché looking forest I have ever seen. The real-life forest that I visited back in my world where a lot scarier than this. Because getting actually lost in them was a very real possibility. Especially near the equator where there are all kinds of creepy crawlies just mingling around the undergrowth of both forests and jungles.

I always hated the creepy crawlies part.

But either way, the cheesiness of this situation is so high, I can practically smell it.

In fact…

“Ooh I actually do smell cheese coming from that direction. Not just any cheese but….”

“Emmentaler” I silently gasped. Recognizing its smell ANYWHERE. From all the European cheese types, Emmental is one my favorite.

A cheese I would gladly suffer through the cold, dead nature of night and go through the most cliché looking forest without much fuzz. My need for delicacies knows NO bounds, even for a couch potato like me.

I need my CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE.

“Well you go first.”

“No, you.”

“No, ya should go first, you’re the one with all the fancy knowledge and what not.” They continued to argue while I was busy imagining all kind of things I could do with a block of Emmental. The thought alone already forming a big grin to on my features while subconsciously moving my legs towards the entrance of the forest. All going completely unknown to all the mares in front of me.

“Well…” Skittles began as she pointed a hoof at my direction, or rather where I used to be. Not even bothering to look at my direction. “What about this Alex guy, I am sure a creature like him would have no problem to…”She tried to say before I nonchalantly passed by the mares, much to everyone’s surprise and confusion.

Especially with the huge grin on my face.

“Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.” I moaned, which in turn just cranked the confusion levels up to eleven for all the mares respectively.

How do I know? I don’t, I’m just guessing and evaluating their long silence.

I heard someone sniff behind me. “Ooh he’s right! I can smell it too!” I heard pinkie point out as I continued my simple stroll into the hole this world beast.

“Huh…what…?” I heard twinkles respond.

“Well duh, just take a sniff and you’ll smell what I mean.” I heard pinkie say again, her voice getting further and further away for very obvious reason.

The forest canopy above me was starting to thicken, doing a very damn good job in acting as a natural roof against the cloudless simplicity of the night sky.

“Actually wait…he’s getting away!” I heard someone shout, the distance now making it somewhat hard for me to distinguish who was shouting.

I only knew them for like a half an hour, so my recollection skills of who owns who’s voice is still somewhat dodgy at best. Plus, I haven’t bothered myself to even try, because this whole situation I found myself in was still somewhat confusing to me. Curious, but still very much confusing. Which kind of ticks me off, because usually, I am the one who confuses others, not the other way around.

The quickly approaching sound of galloping mares were going completely over my head as I had other things to focus one. Like how damn purple and violet this “dark forest” is from my point of view. Oh and of course the chances of me finding some hidden treasure in here. Preferably of the eatable kind.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Can’t believe that there’s actually a cheese scent in the air. Just another example how weird this forest is. Where the heck is it even coming from?” I heard Rainbow head say far behind me as the rest of the group followed her. Or rather, me to be honest.

I was still of course, in my Indiana Jones trance to find the golden idol of Emmentalia. I know what I smell because I have smelled it all of my life. The fridge back home always had some of that shit laying around. All bought from the local mall for some ridiculous prices.

I always hated the modern world economy. Having really tested my patience with shit like this.

“I could‘ve easily gotten the same cheese for pretty much half the price back in Germany. Stupid import taxes and what not.”

Hearing someone breathing heavily behind me, I heard one of the chicks talking, “Who cares, I on the other hoof am I more concerned with all this mud around here. I just had a hoof manicure yesterday and now it is being ruined. Oh the tragedy.” I heard rares whine.

This actually got me thinking as I for the first time since my cheese related trance started. I looked down at my own finger nails with realization.

“Hmm, maybe I could also use a little bit of nail trimming myself after I am finally done with my end of the rainbow search. I have claws instead of nails now.” I thought, making a mental note that these tiger claws need to be tamed before I can even start scratching myself in places which are not covered by my Pajamas or boxers.

I have some very sensitive skin down there, which I quickly learned to be the case when I tried to shave off my “bush” for aesthetic reasons.

Pins and needles for days let me tell you.

Either way, my focus once again returned to the task at hand and trying to find my pot of gold while also minding my steps with all these thorn covered vines slouching across the beaten path. Remember kids, wearing flip flops and wandering about in a forest with them is obviously not a very good idea.

Then again, it has been a couple of years since I last bought myself some proper shoes.

My train of thought was quickly dashed when I noticed a sudden set of hooves quickly gaining up on me from behind. Allowing the curious intruder its entrance, I was somewhat mildly intrigued when I found out that is was none other than purple herself coming up to my left. Very much the only native I had the least exposure too.

She gives me a somewhat sheepish look while trying to keep pace with me. The Height difference between our kind truly showing itself here.

She momentarily looked down onto the ground in thought before looking back up again. Giving me a small but still awkward smile.

“Well… uhm, hello there… thanks to all of this… well, commotions…I never got the chance to properly introduce myself like the girls did.” She began, still aiming me this socially awkward smile that I know all too well.

Because I have a cousin who is just like her. Only with a little bit more balls and less sass. Also, with a little bit more brains too, he eventually ended up teaching in a science institute.

She looked back up at me with a smile, though this time a more genuine. “I am Twilight Sparkle by the way. I know it really isn’t the best time for me to introduce myself but… better late than never I guess.” She announced, forcing me to look directly at the mare for the first time.

I just gave her a grin. “Well that’s perfectly fine, that’s what my uncle used to say whenever he and his crew made for port during the 60’s. Those port cities had always been the prime hotspots for any salty sea bear spending way to much time in the open sea, let me tell you that.” I responded, much to her confusion on the out of place subject.

I quickly followed it up with something more “appropriate”.

“Oh and my name is Alexander by the way, Alexander Becker, or just Alex for short.” I added, awkwardly stretching out my right arm towards her while the left one was busy holding onto the mug itself.

She curiously looked at my awkward looking gesture before she just shrugged, taking on my offer and shaking my hand. After that, I quickly straighten myself up again. My vertebrae making it well known to my ears that they’re still there.

With that out of the way, I focused back at my self-imposed quest at hand. Feeling rather satisfied that the trail I have been following this whole time was still there and fresh for me to smell.

Not sure how it works, given the couple of wind gusts that have so far swept past me from above and reminding me of the fact that I was still just wearing Pajamas instead of something more proper. But then again, who cares. This is a cartoon after all, so common real world logic shouldn’t really be accounted for. Especially when there is Cheese in play here. So nothing needs to make sense anymore in my books.

“The cheese will be mine, even if I have to somehow cross a massive go….” I tried to say, before getting myself stopped by the very thing I was about to say. A bloody gorge, which only now became noticeable to me after I pushed my way through a set of conveniently placed bushes which were also conveniently placed in front a well looking path that normally shouldn’t have any bushes, or any other form of foliage growing over it to begin with.

I smell deception, a pretty common plot tool for not very thought out cartoon villains to make. But alas my spidey senses did the right thing once again, and actually forced me to stop just in time the nick of time, before eventually falling to my unexpected and traumatizing demise. Not so lucky for my equine followers though, as their own spider senses seemed to be in disrepair as they all started to tumble down over the edge obliviously, one horse at a time.

Like lemmings, only a lot more colorful and a lot more vocal too.

The girls all screamed as they tumbled over, with twinkles being the one with the fastest built in reflexes, as she quickly grabs onto my left leg sleeve for dear life and pretty much forcing me onto my ass. With both a grunt and an audible thud respectively.

The two Pegasi horses were of course, not affected by this. Also openly displaying their quick in head calculation and reflexes as they both managed to grab onto their closest comrade respectively. Yellow having managed to hold onto white, while skittles managed to grab onto pinkie’s tail with her teeth. Even America managed to save herself from my point of view by pulling out a Deus Ex Machina out of her hat and threw it up against a luckily provided branch on the face of the cliff.

The plot armor is strong with this one. Though besides that, I obviously had my own demons to tackle at the moment. Like mine being a purple little demon horse that was slowly and surely pulling my pants down and exposing my boxers to the open elements. That and something else too.

That pervert.

“Help… I… I can’t hold on much longer…” She cried out, much to my dismay.

Pants related dismay.

“AHHHH, its already cold enough with my Pajamas on… but now off… MY BALLZ” I cried out much to the dismay of…well her I guess because she is still hanging on for dear life here.

Or pants to be honest.

I just grunted, knowing all too well that she will most likely never let go without someone helping her get back on preferred, solid, horizontally to stand on. So, I did the only thing I could do to somewhat ament this obviously very serious issue, somewhat bending my upper body towards her and peering over the edge of the cliff myself and quickly noting something very distinguishable at the end of it.

Thanks to the illumination of the full moon.

I simply frowned. “Twilight, you can let go you know.” I casually stated, while trying to keep a hold onto my Pants to an extension, her.

She just gave me a “are you serious” expression. “WHAT… why… are you crazy, if I do that then I will…”I quickly silenced her by placing a finger on her lip.

I kept my casual look before removing my finger. “Look down, there is a perfectly good ledge just extending right under you, and from that, the actual ground isn’t really that far off to begin with.” I pointed out. Quite literally in fact, I used the same finger to point just under her.

She stopped, looking down beneath her before quickly looking back up at me with an awkward chuckle.

“Oh…uhm…hehe…well that changes everything I guess.” She muttered before finally letting go of my stuff and landing freely on the ledge below her.

I again just annoyingly grumbled before pushing myself back up. Pulling my Pajamas back up to its proper place against my thigh and making sure that none of the fabric was either torn or stretched in the end.

These are my only good pairs of Pajamas so far. So losing it would be a massive blow to my ego, even more so to my treasures and the added frostbite afterwards.

I of course stayed cool at this whole situation before bending back down, and picking up my unaffected and un-spilled mug on the ground.

Yes, even in emergency moment like this my anti-coffee spilling skills are off the charts. Reminiscent to the fact that I had to babysit a couple of my younger cousins over the years for basically no pay, or compensation for the aftermath damage that they caused at their first visit.

I spent so much time and energy to try and get the grass on the backyard just right, when all of those kids started to quickly undo them all in an instant. How? Well they where playing ball on it and spilling their juice all over it.

I wanted green grass,, now it’s have orange ones. I already have oranges sitting on the kitchen counter just for that.

Either way, where was I?

“Alex, Alex are you still up there? Alex?” I heard twinkles shout up from under the cliff which in turn forced me back into reality.

And not too badly either, as I quickly had the scent of cheese back into my nostrils as well. That is all the reason I need.

I looked back down over the cliff and spotted the mares all standing below it, waiting for me to make it down there as well. Why? I honestly have no idea. We could just easily split up and go our separate ways at this point. They can go fight off this nightmare gloom and doom by themselves, while I can go and continue my self-imposed quest in trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If not then at least have a chance to give some greedy ass leprechauns a piece of my mind for lying to all of us about the pot of gold.

But anyways, back at the problem at hand of trying to get down, and without breaking my neck indoing so. Not to mention figuring out how to get myself back up again on the other side of the gorge, where the road…

“Oh is that a sizable tree trunk resting over the gorge off in the distance? Well it is, and by the looks of it, it just seems to be the exact size for me to just casually stroll over while not bothering myself with either balance or risking myself to topple over. Genius I tell you.” I happily and completely pointlessly stated to no one, after I managed notice this little (for once) gift of nature off in the distance for me to capitalize on.

Grinning, I straightened out my pants and shirt with two distinct snapping sounds before casually making my way over there. Whistling a nice, relaxing tune as I followed the edge of the cliff and towards the naturally created bridge.

The trunk itself was pretty large, the tree most likely have been a truly majestic sight before inevitably succumbing to its demise. If the overall thickness and width of the trunk where anything to go by. A quite handy coincidence too, as it means that I should have no problems crossing it as long as I walked on it’s very center towards the other side. Consistent conveniences, I love it.

“Thank you nature, for not being such a total cunt for once. Cheers milady, cheers.”

The mares on the other hand all gazed up at me from below with great confusion at my sudden change of direction. I can tell from the corner of my eye that Skittles seemed to be in the verge of saying something when her own eyes finally managed to land on the same fallen tree trunk that I was piloting towards to. Frowning and beating herself up at the process if her next response most likely proves.

“Bucking DAMN IT!!” I heard her shout as I finally reached the bridge and casually crossed it without a care in the world. All until I suddenly remembered that I probably forgot to close the garden hose back at home, which forced to momentarily stop.

“Did I really forgot to turn if off? Well I was watering the flowers this morning before last night’s dinner finally decided to show itself again. I think I did, I left it on when I frantically ran back inside.” I thought to myself.

“Scheisse…I did left it on.” I eventually muttered to myself as the memory finally becomes clear.

The electricity bill for the water pump is going to be astronomically high when I come back. IF, I come back that is. Who knows how long this little adventure of mine is going to last.

Hopefully not too long, I still have some cats to feed. Those ungrateful bastards.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“I can’t bucking believe that we somehow managed to miss a perfectly stable, and very obvious tree trunk sitting not too far away from us. If we did, then we could have easily saved ourselves all the unnecessary trotting and detouring around the gorge from the start. Some REALLY stupid coincidence that was.” Skittles complained for almost the upteenth time ever since she and the rest of the group managed to quickly catch up with me.

They really seem to take this “we gotta stick together here” and “got to keep a close eye to the creature” from skittles quite seriously.

I personally don’t know what all of this paranoia is about anyway. Right now, the only thing that has happened so far was simply a self-inflicted accident on the pony’s part, which revolved around a very unfavorable gorge existing and a long detour trip to find a naturally made ramp that would easily lead them all back up to the surface. This ramp was even located on right side, which is why they’re still here trotting right behind me in the first place. With skittles having been the first, along with her chains of complaints.

Just like a real woman, or at least, my mother type of woman. She tends to complain a lot during my youth.

Either way, I heard a couple of girls behind me sighing in irritation as Dashie continued her never ending train of complaints about the matter.

Hearing Rarity sigh, she said, “You know Rainbow, I really have no idea as to why you are even complaining about this in the first place. You have wings for Celestia’s sake, which basically means that there was literally NOTHING holding you back in regards to flying out of the gorge, and immediately pursue Alex before we could. Heck, you could have even taken dear old Fluttershy along with you just to make sure that you won’t be travelling alone in this dreadful place. Being alone in this Celestia forsaken forest is after all, very unwise and just asking for trouble.” I Rarity stated behind me, which in turn caused a few of the ponies to hum in agreement.

Dashie huffed before responding, “And leave you girls alone down there? Not gonna happen. As you’ve said, trying to traverse this crazy flank forest alone is just downright insane. Plus, going after this Alex guy for the sake of leaving you girls down there just doesn’t sit well with me. I obviously still have a bit of a grudge towards him too, so there is that as well.” That last part was actually making one of the girls gasp behind me, though a bit more quiet than normal.

“Rainbow, that is not very nice for you to say. You should be aware that you pretty much attacked him while he was just trying to defend himself against somepony that was trying to do him harm. Judging him just for that is a little bit unfair if you ask me.” I heard the gentle sounding voice of flutters argue, though a soft chide would have been a better choice of words, simply because…I know what chiding sounds like, no matter how subtle it might be.

Years of experience.

“I actually have to agree with Fluttershy here, sugarcube. Your open grudge toward him is a little bit unfair in my eyes too. All he did was that he tried to shield himself behind a door while you just flew straight towards him. He didn’t even actively hit you or tried to fight you afterwards.” AJ butted in. Making it basically 3 vs 1 at this point.

Constantly dubbing her America would just end up to be a mouthful…in my head, not my actual mouth of course. That would be even worse.

“But he still pretty much slammed a door directly to my face. The very large bandage on my head pretty much proves that he did more than just ‘hiding behind a door’. You all saw it!” She tried to counter.

Hearing AJ sigh, she said, “But you still started it sugarcube, which could have been easily avoided if you had used your head for once. You pretty much tried to do the same thing with nightmare moon before I was forced to stop you. You’re going to get yourself into all kinds of trouble if you keep this up.”. This statement caused the Pegasus behind me to grumble.

“Alright, fine! I get it, I am a natural hot head sometimes, with the tendency to act first before thinking. You all happy now?” She announced in defeat, much to everyone’s satisfaction.

Once again, I heard a couple of ponies behind me hum in agreement at skittle’s own confession.

What exactly was my own internal input on this entire topic some might wonder? Well simple, I really didn’t pay that much attention to their little chit chat to even care about it in the first place. I was of course, focusing on own personal issues more, like trying to follow the now very faint trail of Emmental in the air.

I took a little sip from my not so warm coffee mug out of frustration as I continued to casually trudge along the beaten path while still somewhat admiring the local scenery around me.

I would guess that the functions of my world’s laws of physics have finally slipped into this cartoon, and functioning it to work properly too. Which in turn, is annoying me, but at least I can still remember the general direction as to where the trail was coming from while also getting the chance of some good ol’ sightseeing and a healthy dose of outdoor exercise by walking.

One of my cousins living alongside me has been actively trying to convince me for these past few weeks to finally leave my house for once, and actually join him out to the nearby campus for a simple, relaxing walk.

Which is what I am doing right now, without him of course. But at least it means that I AM actually getting out of my house, and finally doing what my cousin has been trying to get me to do.

But I am just getting ahead of myself. I need to find this trail again before it eventually runs cold. This is of course, an adventure of a lifetime. Living the dream of actually walking around inside a magical cartoon world, while trying to complete a self-inflicted quest for a completely biased and personal reason. Not to mention finding a little piece of luxury in the end as well.

The luxury being the cheese, something that a dedicated cheese lover and honorary member of CheeseLovers.com and all of it’s forums can easily relate to. The only place in the internet where I don’t shit post for the sake of shit posting.

A place where you can easily…

“AHHHH! A MANTICORE!!” I suddenly heard someone scream. Most likely Twilight if my memory of voice distinction is to be trusted.

I immediately stopped at my tracks, not simply for the sake of the shout, but mostly for the fact that I have heard that name before somewhere else. Well you see, I am actually a huge and self-dedicated history buff despite my overall record off…

“ALEX BEHIND YOU!”

“For fucks sake”

“WHAT!?” I finally snapped back, whipping myself around in order to personally indulge myself as to what all of this shouting was all about. The only problem is that I didn’t manage to accomplish that at all, as something else was blocking my view to achieve just that.

It was big, furry, yellow, very pissed looking, and literally gazing me right in front of my face with razor sharp teeth and an intimidating snarl.

My eyes immediately went wide, not for this sudden “random enemy encounter” but rather for the very distinct thing that was sticking out of its right paw above me.

“Ooh a splinter.” I casually comment as I automatically reached out for the offending object and pull it off from the creature’s paw with immediate results.

The creatures roared, loudly, right into my face, and compensation for the lack of a giant desk fan blowing right at my form, covering me in both monster snot and saliva as everything on me was blown back. Hair, shirt, and upper portion of my Pajamas respectively. Forcing me to both squint my eyes and power shut my mouth at the added stench that followed.

Giving me some momentary delusion and disorientation. Talk about not brushing your teeth, even my uncle didn’t have that bad of a breath whenever he managed to forget to brush his teeth even just for a single day, and the old guy really loved to eat a lot of garlic and other odor producing dishes whenever he got the chance.

Assault is what I call this, assault on a biological and chemical level.

Also, he was a smoker to, so you can probably imagine in just how bad this creature’s breath must have been.

My eyes immediately started to water after the creature was done screaming his lounges out at me. Quite literally in fact, judging by all the ooze that was now covering most of my upper body. Quietly wheezing and huffing in hopes of trying to get my own nose and lounges working again after they have been bombarded with the worst oral odor I have ever smelled in my entire life. That, and the added saliva is now clogging my breathing tunnels.

“Alter, was zum teufel war das den? Das ist ja schlimmer als ein durchfall von meinen vater. Himmel arch und zwirn und verdamt noch mal.” Coughing, I tried to wipe away the monster goo covering my face.

To my immediate surprise, I was assisted, a tongue quickly decided to intervene and do it for me. The monster’s tongue mind you, who was now no longer looking less pissed than before, in fact it started licking and nuzzling my form while also purring loudly like a cat.

It was actually only now that I managed to realize that this…thing shared actually some visual similarities towards a Lion…well a cartoon lion to be precise, a lion that had both a scorpion stinger for it’s tail and a pair of comically small looking bat wings on its back.

A very strange mix, but certainly not the strangest I have seen. That’s what both Pokemon and Digimon were responsible for.

I simply let the now, surprisingly friendly beast do it’s thing while the mares behind it were all understandingly, in shock and are confused.

Mostly confusion though, even for pinkie, she pretty much shared the same expression as the others. I guess even she possesses some kind of a mental hard cap on just how much universal fuckery her brain can handle.

Which is good, because characteristic related competitions kinda sucks when you really think about it. That and simply makes me feel all the more special and superior too. Who doesn’t like to feel both special and superior in comparison to other people? Especially in online games which are all about one upping the other players.

For the most part.

“But…what…but…I…I don’t get it?” I heard twilight stutter dumbly, being generally the first to reboot her brain from the assortment of system crashes that was shared among their group thanks to me.

I simply just shrugged before once again taking a sip out of my coffee which thankfully was somehow left untainted by this sudden gust of body fluids.

By the way, the big fat kitty katty was still licking me clean while I was busy taking my joe.

“How…how in Equestria did you know that he had a splinter stuck in his paw?” Twilight finally questioned after a few seconds have passed.

I just shrugged while lowering my mug.” Simple ignorance.” I casually replied before giving the beast my personal attention.

I began to reach out and scratch the big fat kitty cat under the chin, which resulted into more purring and it’s left hind leg thumping like a dog.

“Oh yes, who is the beg nice kitty cat? You are, you are, big and scary, but still very soft and lovable on the inside…in fact, you kind of reminds me of MY cats back home which I guess is a plus.” I cooed, before mindlessly rambling back off again as I continued to give this lion hybrid thing a piece of my own affection.

NOT gay affection mind you, just similar to the one you give your favorite dog or cat. Or whatever Illegal animals you might have as pets.

Either way, I just continued to pet and scratch this surprisingly lovable fur ball while the rest of the gang was still suffering from a mental discharge of epic proportions. But I eventually realized that enough was enough, and decided that it was finally time for us to part ways. For both of our sakes.

I obviously still had a quest to fulfill while the girls had their own as well. And I think that Twilight eventually came to her senses as well as she has once again, managed to reboot herself.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends ups to be a tech guru or computer nerd. Because her abilities to diagnose and fix software related problems are quite impressive.

Either way, she started to approach me after she realized that the beast was more or less, clam to my touch, which was a mistake as the lion thingy in front to me to started to growl at her direction. She of course, received the message and stopped, taking heed of this monster’s warning with wide eyes and flattened ears.

This was really all the incentive I needed to really shoo this thing away now. These six might still be strangers to me, but I am not psychopathic enough to even allow them get mauled by one of my pets, simply because it doesn’t like them as much as I do.

To some extent at least.

Well I say pet, even though I am pretty sure that I will never see this Lion thing ever again. How do I know? Well…I am not a fan of revisiting a place twice in a row when the first hasn’t left me in a state to even warrant a second visit. Which is what is exactly happening right now, seeing as this place just simply ticks every scary forest cliché that is out there. It’s save to say that I won't exercise myself like this again anytime soon.

Exercising my attention span that is, as I once again found myself monologuing from the inside and looking completely blank and spaced out from the outside. Who knew that Lion, hybrid monster thingies can emote the concept of confusion as well.

The more you know.

I focused back at the fur ball and gave him a grin. “Well then big guy, with the big bad thorn out of you claw, I think that it’s high time for us to part ways. You see, those six girls…” I pointed a finger at the huddled up mares.” …are on a VERY important cliché quest in saving the world or whatever jazz this place has going for them.“ I then performed the shoo hand gesture. ”So then go on, I am sure that a big, strong and majestic looking guy like you is always eager for his next meal…” Which got punctuated by his massive stomach rumbling.” …which was just proven too. “I then raised my mug at him. ”So go on mate, go on and continue to defend YOUR rightful title as king of the forest here. It’s wildlifes are your meal and subjects.” I finalized dramatically. I Took another sip from my mug just to water my throat after that long scene of sugar coating.

Which I did for obvious reasons. This still is a very big bastard of a creature with razor sharp teeth and claws. Cartoon world or not, this place could also be one of those “adult” oriented cartoons where shit can get really…graphic, later on.

Simpsons, Futurama, or god forbid, family guy can come to mind here.

Thankfully for my smooth talking, the big kitty cat did licked up the sugar that I had coated him with, as he simply nods to my praises and suggestions. Standing proud and tall like the king he is before showing himself out of the scene, but not without giving a last big roar into the air to add some drama to his departure, causing a couple of birds above us to scatter about from their resting places.

I wasn’t even aware that this place even had birds just because of how quiet this place seem to be. Then again, I really haven’t been paying much attention to the scenes around me anyway. I was more occupied by finding out where my goal will eventually lead me too, and eventually skedaddling out of this damned forest, simply because all of this foliage is being really unfriendly towards Flip flop users.

These are meant for the beaches or home use, not for forest hiking.

Either way, with the big bad kitty cat gone, the tension of the scene was finally given some rest as the gang eventually found their courage again and approach me post haste. Flutterthing being the one holding the most intrigue in her eyes. In fact, she seven seemed a bit… jealous as well. Funny that I now wonder what type of kinks she is actually into to feel jealousy about that. Does animal to animal relationship even counts as bestiality? Well, then again, she IS intelligent.

“How the hay did you managed to do that, partner? Findin’ that darn thorn, and then calming it down afterwards? The thing looked absolutely livid when It first jumped out of the bushes and attacked us…and furthermore…” AJ gave me a strange and tilted look.” …how did you even managed to stay so darn calm about it as well?” She questioned which allot of the ponies agreed upon with nods.

I again just grinned. “Simple, the same answer I gave to sparkle face over here when she was the first to reboot.” I exclaimed, before raising a finger up into the air for “extra effect”. “Ignorance is bliss, also having to spend a lot of time with my own cats back home helps with the situation. Feisty little ones I tell you, especially when they’re hungry or when you’re trying to pet them when they sleep.” I answered, both to everyone’s satisfaction and added confusion.

Dashie tilted her head. “Ignorance is bliss? What the hay is that supposed to mean?” She questioned, being one with the confusion.

I just continued my mad grin, something that slowly started to unsettle the little ponies, with the exception of pinkie who somewhat tried to share my enthusiasm.

Almost succeeding too. Good work on her though.

“Well who cares.” I extended my arms outwards.” Because Ignorance is all about not giving a damn about a certain situation or scene presented to you. In the end, it's just better not to know what can potentially harm you, but rather to focus more on HOW to avoid this harm in the first place. In my case, it’s all about Ignoring its signs outright, and rather focus my attention more on the potential resolution that usually comes along with it. Is denying myself the worry about giving myself worry in the first place really wrong?” I casually replied, pointing my extended index finger upwards for added effect.

It was twilight’s turn to tilt her head” But…but that doesn’t make any sense” She argued, sounding both unconvinced and dumbfounded judging by her tone.

This just made my grin wider, which in turn caused Skittles to back off a bit. Not really sure how this is even possible, but I guess it's just this world’s cartoon physics finally giving me a good taste of its possibilities and…flavors.

Either way, I have a question to reply, and I shall NOT disappoint. “Just like how LIFE itself doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, Sparkle Face. Not to mention the very fabric of reality itself. The ludicracy of realty. Either fight it and lose, or just stand tall, look it deep into its eyes and embrace it’s own nonsensical ways and methods with your own. The choice for me was pretty obvious, why fight it when you can JOIN IT.” I answered before turning myself around randomly and casually skipping away down the same path that we were about to go down anyway if the random enemy encounter didn’t happen.

For some reason, I am actually in a pretty good mood now regardless of my loss of the trail. Must have been the sensation of actually doing something good for once instead of just sitting in my house all day and freeloading off of my cousin’s fruits like a total boss. Because the idea of having to work for the government’s own self-imposed agendas which… basically describes any other government really, being very secretive, manipulative, greedy, and just downright lazy on its own right are just not the best motivators for a guy like me to actually go find a job in the first place.

Plus it's hard work, the type of work that you just end up doing every single day for god knows how long until the fateful day comes when you grow low, old, and die. Plus, it would also mean that you would be forced to constantly do the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, which I really don’t need to do anymore.

I personally lost MY sanity years ago by doing something similar to that.

You know what they say, the true identification of insanity is by doing something the same way over and over again with no real reason or purpose behind it. Which basically involves work too, as it is somewhat void and utterly pointless in the end when all of it eventually just leads to the inevitable end of the universe as we know it in the distant future…or perhaps in the near future. Next year, next month, maybe even in the next week or perhaps even tomorrow.

So why even bother.

Either way, with that mindless and pointless monologuing out of the way. I pretty much starting to spread my arms outwards like an airplane's wing while skipping along the dirt road for no real reason at all.

Even going so far as singing lalalalalalala because…why not.

It’s fun, it’s stupid, it’s very confusing, and somewhat disturbing to the others, which is WHY I am doing it in the first place, because confusing or trolling other people is my specialty.

Maybe even aggravating them too, but then again, who cares. Especially when nothing really makes sense anyway in the world when you go all philosophically on it. So why should I make sense too?

“I think this guy is a total nut job. Somewhat crazier than pinkie if THAT is even possible.” I heard skittle whisper to someone while I was busy skipping along for the song.

“At least the trip will most likely stay undisturbed from this point on. Otherwise I will be writing a VERY strong letter to whoever is wiring this storyboard in the first place. Distractions are annoying after all.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A lie, it was all a LIE, and one of the many OPEN examples as to why the world is just as ludicrous and crazy as some of the more “philosophically educated” individuals always like to point out.

What is the source of my Ire this time some may ask? Well it's very simple. I can’t see jack shit at the moment.

YES, even a cartoon world that seems to have trouble making really dark nights really dark instead of just dark purple, has finally succeeded in what many cartoons so far have not.

Making a place so freaking dark that it is literally impossible for you to see even your own cartoon hands. At least it makes logical sense for a TV show or movie to not pull this crap for the viewers sake. But in real life, or rather standing directly here in in the middle of it, with your own physical form is just downright annoying and even neck breaking if you don’t know where you are stepping.

Which is why I have basically stopped myself from even trying to walk further into the unknown the moment when shit literally became unnoticeable. Not sure what or who is the culprit with this sudden lack of visual illumination, but I would blame the blame on both the every growing density of the canopy above us, and the possibility of some clouds obstructing the view of the full moon up in the sky. Otherwise, I actually have no idea why this place suddenly decided to remove it’s shaders completely.

A violet hue might be a nice choice of color but it generally ends up to be rather pointless when trying to simulate the actual theme and feelings that night can provide. Especially for such a supposedly creepy ass forest, such realistic darkness could add a lot to this forests atmosphere and seriously cranked up the immersion for everyone.

And speaking of everyone, the other six girls sadly didn’t share the same common sense as I did, as they miserably continued to navigate this very much unavigatable thickness of black and obviously failing horribly by the sounds of it.

I on the other hand, simply stood still in the middle of the road and crossing my arms in an attempt to wait it out and see what could possibly come out next after the “random enemy encounter” from earlier.

I know that something was bound to happen. I can feel it in my bones. Which is pain…because I am normally not used to walking such long distances on a single stride while actively thinking about it as well. Damn my over excessive need for a couch. You untrained bastard.

“Eeeeeep, what the hay is that.”

“Ouch watch it, that was my hoof”

“Ops, sorry.”

Can somepony please stop stepping on my tail so much? It’s really getti…

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee….”

“What is it Fluttershy?”

“Oh…its…it was just a mud puddle…sorry for my screaming.”

And that was basically all I heard from the, not so quickly moving sounding group, of mares in front of me. Really, their voices pretty much stayed clear for a good 3 minutes until some distance could be distinguished.

I on the other hand, just stood still and blew a very loud raspberry out of my mouth in frustration as I tried to find something to lean on. Because standing on one spot for a really long time without any distractions keeping my busy is also another major weakness of mine. Either I have to sit down or move, but not stand still. Thankfully, the search didn’t took that long in this unbreakable void. I quickly found something coarse and rough to my right for me to lean on.

“It’s moment like these where I wish I still had my night light somehow.” I thought as I rested my back against whatever it was that I was leaning on. Most likely a tree, because…duh.

It was then, the world suddenly decided to turn on its shaders back on again, which forced me to close my eyes for just a second before blinking them back open for them to adjust themselves to the new “existing” light. Only for me to immediately raise an eyebrow at the scene surrounding me.

“Huh…can’t ever remember that my old nightlight had a red hue to it.” I muttered to myself as my eyes darting around this newly implemented EMB that this world decided to use.

I was about to take another sip from my half empty…or should I rather say halve full (let’s stay positive here) mug, when another event suddenly decided to jump on board this outlandish trip, so far it’s normally reserved for theme park attractions and the likes of that.

“ALEX…BEHIND YOU!” I heard someone shout for the second time on the row, which just made me grumble.

“Can’t even fucking take a drink to refill my lost fat deposit.” I mumbled to myself before looking back to whoever was screamed at me this time.

To my mild surprise, the gang was once again where huddled up into a group for the second time also, looking quite terrified for ALSO the second time.

“Great, what kind of a creature am I now going to pull out a splinter out of its claw now?” Was my only coherent thought at the moment as I gazed upon the scene in front of me, and judging by the way how Applejack was staring back at me, I guess that it was her who screamed at me.

I again, just gave her a “go on” type a look, before she simply pointed at something behind me.

I followed her hoof and flinched back out of surprise for just a second.

“Huh, so now we are going with the Disney themed trees, now are we?” I mentally mumbled as I came face to face with a face. Quite literally in fact. It even had the old classic, “I am going to grab you” kind of pose with its branches while also holding a really ridiculous evil looking grin on its bark covered surface.

The Disney clichés are strong with this one. Or maybe it isn’t really just Disney. Again, my memory is getting a bit fuzzy on the things I once watched when I was young and (more) annoying.

Some things never change apparently.

But anyway, I am just getting myself distracted once more when something much more important made itself know the moment I could see my flip flop wearing feet again.

The very fact that I can SEE again IS the important part here. Which obviously means that this hero’s…uhm journey can finally continue, which also means that I can get this nature hike behind me quicker and hopefully reunite with the “trail” again so that I might not end up completely empty handed for my forced efforts.

I say forced because these six talking horses forced me into this since the beginning, with pink even using a dirty marketing trick to convince me otherwise. Filthy equine bastard.

I mean, I could also just turn around and go back the same path we just followed, but that would obviously mean having to make the trek all alone while carrying nothing to my name to at least make this halfway trip worth it in the end. Also, it means to fully expose myself to whatever else could be lurking in these woods.

I have to admit, I was kinda lucky that the scene with the lion hybrid thing even went so smoothly as it did. But the past is the past and the present is much more interesting to look at. Plus, we finally have some light again so that makes it even better.

Stop your mindless monologuing, Alex. You are not entertaining anyone.

I just casually began to stroll towards the terrified girls. Passing them without a care in the world to the everyone’s momentary confusion. I did too note that one of the ponies was actually missing from the huddle pudd when I passed by. But I simply Ignored it, the same way as I ignored all of those VERY stationary trees that were just all bark and no bite. Just like real trees should.

To my momentary confusion, I actually did found pinkie a little ways up the road where she was basically acting like how a child would act when teasing someone who was grounded by their parents while gazing out towards the free kid from his bedroom window from the playground outside.

Intriguing in how unfazed she seemed in comparison to the rest. Maybe she has seen some old school cartoons for herself and knows this shit is all just smoke and mirrors.

Quite literally, if the ever creeping fog from behind the trees and bushed where anything to by.

In fact…

“Oh, is that… Emmentaler that I am whiffing again?” I wondered to myself with wide eyes.

No, I know this smell. I can recognize it from anywhere, just like how I managed to recognize it from the very start.

El Dorado isn’t a myth after all.

“Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla *giggle” I heard pinkie pie…well…giggle, doing it at of the corner of my eye as this realization struck me.

She seems to still be busy making fun of these cheap Halloween cutouts before she suddenly turned over to the girls behind me.

“Pinkie what are you doing? RUN!” I heard twilight face shout behind me which was also a miracle that I was still able to pick that up for late storytelling reference despite my ever-returning enthusiasm.

The quest was BACK on track, and this time, nothing shall stop me from it. NOTHING!

“*Giggles* oh don’t you girls see, this is just…” Pink face tried to puff out before I rudely stopped her by grabbing one of her forelegs and dragging her along with me as I pushed forward.

She of course, was momentary confused by this before looking up at me with a little frown.

“How rude.” Was her only respond as her ass gets dragged along.

“No more distraction or pit stops, I have some CHEESE to find and NOTHING is going to stop me now.” I exclaimed while never breaking eye contact with the road ahead. “Also, go tell your friends back they’re that these tree things are nothing but show. If you and I can just leisurely stroll past them, so can they. So hurry up, time is money after all.” I added.

She just gave me a strange look. “How the hay am I going to do THAT if you are still holding onto my hoof?” She questioned very smartly.

I immediately halted and gave her a surprising look. “Clever girl.” I simply commented before letting go of her foreleg.

She quickly jumped back up on all fours before rubbing the same foreleg I was holding on to. “You know, you actually got a pretty neat grip on your hands when you want to.” She comments herself while looking down at her hoof.

I just gave her a perplexed look. “How do you even know what hands are?” I asked which forced her to look up with a momentary confused look before smiling.

“Well duh, because Minotaur’s have hands too and everypony knows about them.” She casually answered as if it where the simplest piece of knowledge ever.

“Oh…” I simply responded.

“Anyway, just go prep up your friends. And just…just tell them that this is all an illusion fabricated by Nightmare horseshoe or what’s her name, to stop them from doing…something. Just go ahead and say that, and those tattoo covered asses will be moving in no time.” I suggested to the over pinki-fied girl in front of me.

She just gave me a determined salute before hopping off to do my bidding. Quite literally in fact.

“Well at least we can finally get this train moving again.” I told to myself as I turned back around to look at the still open road ahead of me. Feeling quite satisfied that she smells of cheese was still coming from that direction.

“SOON”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“So, how come that neither of you two were even remotely fazed by what happened earlier?” Twilight questioned as she quickly came up to me. Looking up at my super ultra-focused form as I battle my way through mud and puddle holes, trying to avoid them.

I really hate to get my exposed feet dirty at this point.

I just kept my gaze fixed ahead as I replied. “Simple, go watch enough cartoons for most of your life, and all the clichés following them will start to stick with you like dried out chewing gum on a hot afternoon sidewalk.” I easily replied as if it where the most common thing ever.

Well it was for me at least, but I obviously have no idea if these horses even had Television, or even better, the internet.

I never imagined that I would get my answer to that so fast though…no really.

By that I mean, she just gave me a confused look. “Cartoon? What the hay is that? Is it something similar to comic books or something?” She asked.

I was about to reply when Pinkie face decided to butt in. Again, quite literally, her butt bumped against Twi’s face, and almost making her trip.

She still had time to give the pink ball of yarn a glare after she recovered. Something that she basically ignored.

“Well duh, Twilight were you living under a rock or something?” She asked next to her which made twilight frown.

“No, I was living in a library up in Canterlot Castle.” She replied which in turn made me think.

“Canterlot? Wonder if this world has more things that they have ponified for no real reason?” I wondered to myself.

While I was momentary trapped in my own world once more, the conversation still continued. How do I know? Ears, duh.

“Ooh, fancy.” Pink face replied with awe in her tone.

I could see twilight nod out of the corner of my eye. “Well yes, I actually am Princess Celestia’s personal protégé you know. Or well…I hope I still am if the princess is actually ok or not. Can’t believe that we somehow allowed ourselves to be tricked like that by nightmare moon. She is obviously trying to prevent us from finding the Elements that can bring her down.” Twi’s face commented, adding a tone of sadness after she used the French word.

I could hear someone pat her on the shoulder, because my ears are apparently that good to pick that up as well.

“Don’t worry too much twilight dear. I am sure the princess is fine wherever she is. She did manage to survive for over a thousand years after all. I am sure she can handle herself quite well with almost any situation. Even with this one.” I heard Rarity’s voice ensuring the overwise enduring-less tone of Twilight.

Hearing the librarian sigh, she said, “I guess you're right, I just…we just have to get to the elements as soon as possible before any real damage can be done.”

“Don’t you worry your little head over that, sugar cube. At least you’re not alone in this, we’ll gladly lend you a hoof when it helps saving the world.” I heard AJ say.

“Yeah, once we find those elements of yours, nightmare moon won’t know what hit her.” RD pushed herself into the conversation as well, sounding as scratchy and boastful as ever.

Actually, this is the first time I never heard her being boastful, before then, all I know off her was her constant nagging and complaining.

Like a real woman.

“Plus, not to mention saving all animals and their natural way of life too. A never-ending night can easily be confusing to those who rely on the day to be active.” Flutters added. True, but kinda off the main perspective here when it comes to the ACTUAL problems that a never-ending night would bring.

I on the other hand just kept to myself as I always do. Focusing my attention elsewhere. Especially to the slowly encroaching sounds of running water.

“Must be a river or something.” I thought to myself as I tried to mind the couple of vines that where “planking” over the road like the little slouches they were.

Nature really has no sense of decency sometimes…actually most of the times which is why I criticize her so much.

Either way, my theory was quickly proven as we eventually found ourselves face to face with a raging river blocking our path.

“Oh, look a river.” Fluttershy comment out.

“More than just a river though.” Applejack added while pointing her hoof at a generally direction that neither of us where looking at.

We followed her gesture, only to come eye to eye with a creature that looked very, VERY…intriguing to me if I had to be honest. The Girls on the other hand were of course surprised as all heck to see a snake thing crying in the water and thrashing about like an agitated child. Which, was actually the main reason as to why this river is so ragy in the first place.

Because it was being agitated by an oversized man child.

Look who's talking.

The guy is as far as I know, a living wave machine, while also quite fabulous looking while doing so. I should at least give him that.

In fact, this is by far the most powdered up snake I have ever seen. This feminine looking dude had everything, Oiled golden hair, polished claws, makeup in all the right places, and a twirly porn moustache for a man to fap for. Well…one half of a porn moustache really, as I can already see from here.

Not sure how I’m able to see all of those things from way over here, especially considering the fact that I normally need glasses for seeing such distances. But then again, who cares. An unexpected upgrade is and upgrade no less and doesn’t need to be questioned. Just accept it as what it is and move on. No need to waste a couple of your gray matters to twist around such thoughts.

Despite my busy thought, I still managed to hear Dashi huff beside me. “Pffff, so what. A serpent crying his eyes out in a river. Big deal. Let us just find a bridge so that we can finally finish what came we all the way here for in the first place. We obviously have much better things to focus on than whatever his problem is.” Dashie commented boldly, crossing her hoofs in front of her as she hovered about.

“Well easier said than done, sugar cube.” AJ suddenly joined in before pointing her hoof at something. ”Your affirmation about the bridge is right, but they’re…or rather, what is left of it is well...” She added, gesturing her hoof towards a general direction which nobody was looking at besides her.

We all followed, only to see a smashed up and washed over bridge resting on the shores of the river further downstream. The same direction where the road itself were leading too from where we stood.

“AWW you got to be kidding ME!” Dashi shouted in frustration.

I could only agree to her frustration. When I declared that NOTHING was going to hold me back this time from finally finishing the road to El Dorado, I literally meant NOTHING.

Now, the only thing that is standing in between me and my final goal after this god awful long forest hike, was a broken-down bridge and a wailing man child with some kind of problem.

There was only one thing left for me to do in a serious situation like this. Socialize, and go ask this big long slong with a thong what the hell is going on. The least he could do is stop fueling the river downstream and somehow help us get across after being the obvious culprit of the bridge’s destruction. He already contributed to making me suffer through another setback for Christ’s sake.

And with those thoughts out of my head, I immediately wasted no time in just strolling my own agitated ass over there to give this thing a piece of my mind. Or maybe even several as dashie’s own.

“What the hay is the fella up to now?” I heard AJ asked behind me as I continued to stroll over to this beast. Looking up to his surprisingly tall form after managing to get into earshot of this thing. If it even has ears at all.

“Oi, big bad fabulous (and gay) looking Loch Ness.” I called up towards the nessy once I was close enough.

The creature, to my mild surprise, immediately stopped his wailing before aiming his gaze down towards me. His eyes looking very bloodshot from all the constant crying he must have done.

He looked confused at first. “Huh…uh..wha-what? Who…who are you?” The serpent asked, sounding just as flamboyant as his looks.

I pointed my mug at him. “The guy who is going to slap some sense into you if you don’t tell me WHY you are causing such a ruckus and preventing me from crossing this damn river.” I boldly stated.

I may have been able to be a little bit more subtle with my first approach to not “intimidate” the guy too much on first contact. But the thing is, when a man gets mad, then all knowledge of common sense and civil decency usually go out the fucking window. Can’t say that this is the best first expression I could have made, but it isn’t exactly the worst either.

I had much, MUCH worst first introduction moments in my life. Which is also one of the reason why I am such a freeloader in the first place.

Anyway, the big discouraged lizard thing quickly flinched back after I made my first bold move. Something I promptly capitalized on by swiftly diverting his attention downstream and towards the broken bridge. A sense of realization flashes over his bloodstain eyes before looking back at me. Looking quite sorry and regretful for his act.

“Oh…uhm I…I am so sorry for that…I “He suddenly pulled out a handkerchief out of his back and blew in it.” …I wasn’t aware that my…tantrums would cause this much destruction in the first place. I swear if I had known that beforehand, then I would have tried to be a little bit more…subtle about my sorrow. But…” He blew into his handkerchief once more. ”…it’s just all so horrible.” He began to cry again, burying his face within his claws and almost dropping his snot filled handkerchief right on top of me.

If that had ever happened then, I would have screamed into the ground out of anger and disgust. Because it was his snot and I obviously don’t want any of it into my mouth, or anywhere else on my face for that matter. I would have most likely demanded from him afterwards that he shall lick me up like how the lion thing did to me despite having a perfectly good-looking river right next to me to jump in.

I just don’t want to get my boxers wet at this stage of the day, that would just be nasty and a serious low blow to my own self-esteem.

This IS my only set of underwear after all. Anyone who had ever been in such a situation, knows how disgruntling it is to lose your only available underpants right then and there.

You might as well run around naked if that ever happened.

Either way, back on topic, and not a moment too soon as well, as the mares finally decided to join me from their own little hidey hole.

Good, because 7 angry neighbors are better than just one.

Dashie sighed as she flew up next to me with a questionable look. “Alright, what the hay is exactly going on here and who is this guy?” She asked, and gestured a hoof at the wailing snake with arms.

At this point I was slowly getting impatient myself after I casually answered RD’s question with a shrug. I once again tried to get the serpent’s attention by throwing a small pebble at his head which did the trick.

“ouch.” He responded, flinching back from the impact.

“Alex, that wasn’t very nice at all.” Fluttershy chided from behind, which I ignored of course.

The creature looked back down at me, though this time with more of a frown rather than sadness.

“Ow…what the heck was that for?” The serpent demanded, which was made a lot less intimidating thanks to his flamboyant tone and overall look.

I just crossed my arms and frowned right back at him. “For crying and NOT telling me why you are crying in the first place. As I said, I have places to be and things to see, and that bridge over there…” I pointed at it again. ”…is not going to fix itself with magic tears or whatever works in this world. So tell me, why are you sad and why aren’t I mad?” I again demanded.

“Why is he sad? Why, isn’t it blatantly obvious as to why he looks devastated in the first place?” Rarity suddenly chimed, causing more unnecessary delays and personal annoyance.

“The end of the road is so close, I can feel it. Yet, it is still so fucking far away thanks to all of this stupid holdups and constant delays. Since when is it so difficult to get from point A to point B? Even simply going to a grocery store don’t end up to be such a hassle.” I mentally rambled.

RD on the other hand, seems to be in a similar state of irritation as her frown pretty much matches mine as Rares and the overdramatic lizard started to converse with one another.

No scratch that, they were BOTH being overdramatic, and in the end, it all pretty much revolved around that silly ass porn moustache that this guy was missing on the other side of his snout.

How? Well it seems to be nightmare goons’ making, as the dude started to describe a dark, sparkling cloud that pretty much fits nightmare loon’s description.

I of course, still very much remember that at the very beginning, she suddenly decided to become one with the immaterium and fucked off. See, my memory CAN do its job too, ...sometimes.

“Oh yes, I am hideous. So. Very. Hideous…WHAAAAAAAAA” He started to wail once more.

“Oh brother.” RD sighted next to me.

“For the love of…” AJ joined in as well, not bothering to finish her curse but instead decided to just hide her frustrated face behind her Stetson.

Same with me, though I was more inclined in showing my frustration with this scene rather than hide it. At this point, I finally had enough of this nonsense, because it’s none of MY nonsense and we can’t have that.

“Time to shed some SENSE into this scene.” I thought to myself.

I quickly pushed Rarity away from her spot, much to her facial and vocal disapproval. But I again, just ignored her to focus more on the actual issue of this problem. But alas, sacrifices must be made so that this plot can finally get going.

I can already hear the movie goers or readers snoring in the background.

“Wait, WAIT.” I called out while doing the time out sign to get everyone’s attention.

It worked, same with the large flailing lizard.

I gave him a hand gesture to get closer. He did, though only after a few seconds of hesitation before lowering his surprisingly large head towards me.

I say surprising because I doubt that there is much brain in his skull to fill it.

I closed in to his ear, or rather, what I think is his ear, and whispered into it.

“Hey uhm…are you, kinda aware that moustaches actually grow back over time? Quite quickly too if I may add, a lot faster than any other part of your body where hair tends to grow. Just give it a couple of days or a week and your fabulous snout wear is going to be back to it’s original state in no time. At the meantime, you might wanna trim your other half of your stash too, just to not make it so blatantly obvious that you are missing the other half to begin with. It might actually be a better alternative in the end, as I think that a shorter stash goes really well with that laid-back hair of yours.” I revealed, offered and smooth talk into this guy’s head which in turn caused his expression to go wider and wider with every passing sentence that I smother him with.

He eventually broke off. Looking down at me, then himself, then back to me with an expression of contemplation and realization.

“Oh, I…I kinda completely forgot about that.” He exclaimed while scratching his well-oiled head.

I nod. “Yeah, so do not fret, my friend. Your stash will be back up before you know it. Unless…” I pointed a finger at him. ”…you are actually going to take my fashion advice to heart. Then you wouldn’t have to wait so long for your other half to grow back. Again, It's just a personal opinion. Act on it if you wish.” I added, raising my head and chin, and somewhat closing my eyes to make myself look more like a professional in the fields of fashion.

I am obviously not, but pretending can really go a long way as long as you do it right. Remember, the world is just like a stage, with you being the actor, and the world being the audience.

He quickly smiled to himself afterwards.” Well yes…yes I think you are right. I can already imagine myself with this new look that you proposed I kinda like it already.” He stated happily while clapping his claws together with glee.

I smiled as well. ”Perfect, now, about the bridge situation…” I finally brought the actual problem back to the forefront, which in turn got his attention pretty much instantly.

He smiled sheepishly. “Oh yes of course. I forgot about that.” he responded before smiling genuinely once more. “In fact…” He started, before promptly straightening himself out in the water and basically offering himself as a makeshift bridge to cross on. With his head resting on our side of the river and with his tail end resting on the other.”…since you have helped me get over my previous perils. I see no issue on being your personal bridge to the other side of the river. It is the least I can do.” He offered, which I obviously accepted like the dirty little taker that I am.

“Don’t mind if I do.” I responded, before stepping over his snout and skipping down along his spine while again going on with my silly little lala song for no reasons

The mares again, seemed to be in a state of hesitation and slight confusion before dashie being the first to make a move.

“Well, I guess this is one way to cross a river.” I heard her state before simply flying over to the other side and waiting for the rest of us to get there.

All thanks to the help of a bit of common sense.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Well, at least there is a bridge this time around, not like the previous two.” I comment as I eventually came face to face with another gorge blocking our path.

Though this time, as I said, there was actually a perfectly good-looking bridge nearby for me to use. Not broken down or missing entirely.

“Huh, you can say that again. All these obstacles are really starting to get old once you have gone through enough of them consistently on single day.” AJ added, coming up to my left and gazing over the gorge as well. But for completely different reasons compared to mine, if anyone would be wondering.

It is here…I can almost taste it.

“Hey we’re here.” Twilight suddenly repeated my statement as she quickly came running up to the gorge as well. Peeking over the dense fog that covered it.

I followed her gaze out of curiosities sake and found exactly what she was talking about. Towers, spire’s, walls, and a suspicious looking gothic theme in the air. The remains of an old castle, or maybe even a Palace, depending on what this thing was once used for.

Either way it was there, overgrown and very much neglected and forgotten over the years. A nice touch addition to spicing up the scenery around here. But there is only one thing that truly interests me the most about this place, the possibility of finally having reach the end of the rainbow itself, the entrance to El Dorado and the treasures that await my greedy little hands.

“Only one way to find out.” I thought to myself before strolling over to the bridge to do just that. Nothing risked, nothing gained after all.

“Hey, where are you going?” Twilight asked as I strolled past her.

“To find my pot of gold. Preferably the edible kind.” I replied, mimicking an Irish accent and being pretty well in doing so.

Though, I am sure that an actual Irish person is going to tell me otherwise.

Besides that, I mostly ignored her comments as I took my first tentative steps onto the bridge to see if it was even structurally sound or not. Seeing that it was, I grinned to myself before making my way across it, much to the concern of Twi’s face and her friends.

“Alex wait now, be careful. This bridge doesn’t look particularly stable and well maintained.” Twilight shouted over to me from the other end.

I again, just continued to ignore her as I smoothly made my way across this creaking and swaying piece of shit of a bridge.

Yeah, maybe not my best call of judgment here, but as long as this now slowly sacking bridge is keeping it’s act together while I am crossing it, it should technically be fine.

You know what they say, it’s stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid. Well as long as I am able to survive to NOT call it stupid in the first place. But they, ‘the brave and the bold always find the gold’ is one of my mottos. Even though I sometimes lack the former rather than the latter.

Anyway, I promptly released an exhaled of relief after I finally made it to the other side. Smiling to myself at another triumph well-earned before turning myself around to share the good news to the rest that the bridge was perfectly crossable.

Only for me to immediately proven wrong when the bride suddenly decided to end its existence and slapping a big fat NO to my intentions. Not only that, it also decided to that adding insults to injuries was a viable option too as a section of the ropes that used to be connected to one of its wooden Anker behind me suddenly snapped themselves around my right leg and causing me to lose my footing. Threatening me to pull me down with it as an added bonus.

Almost, though as my legendary spider reflexes once again kicked in to save my ass as I quickly managed to reach out onto the same wooden post behind me and momentarily saving myself from an unfortunate demise.

A smooth transition of quick moves, events, and mental timing that didn’t even allow me enough head room to even yelp when it happened, to grunt with I hit the ground ass first (again) and to hiss in pain when the entire weight of the bridge was not dangling from both my right leg and my left arm respectively.

Oh, and I also managed to save the remaining contents of my mug as well. Because I am just that good when it comes to saving my only cup of joe, and in a world where I am not even sure that good old little joy actually exist….

Nevermind, it does exist, pinky face confirmed it.

“For fucks sake!” I hissed while trying to hold on for dear life, adrenaline give me strength.

“ALEX!” I heard the girls scream over the gorge after everything was said and done.

“Alex, hold on!” I heard twilight shout which was extremely clever of her to point out.

“Not like I have anything better to do.” I thought to myself bitterly at her statement. Especially when my grip was slowly waning on me.

The girls over at the other side seemed to be noticing my struggle, as I could hear more shouting coming from the other side.

More of the same old, same old, and the clearly obvious.

“Hold on alex, I’m coming!” Dashie shouted.

“No wait a sec, I can see some sort of shadow moving inside the fog, right behind Alex.” Rarity suddenly added. Which was somewhat ignored from my point of view as I was kinda busy with my own problems at the moment.

“Well, so this is how it ends, I guess. Me getting killed by a bridge in a cartoon world. Well certainly one of the most unique ways to leave a stage I have to say. Certainly could have been a lot more unique or…epic for my grand taste but hey, beggars can’t be chooser after all” I thought to myself as my arm slowly become numb.

Yeah, yeah, I know I should technically be a lot more “fearful” or take this situation I just found myself in a lot more serious than most would expected. But as I already explained before, why bother to worry when you can just roll with the punches and waste a moment when you can give the world one last middle finger before finally going out. Certainly, beats any crying or struggling when you really think about it.

Plus, it would also give me one heck of a story to tell once I have finally arrived at me ‘next’ destination of this endless cycle. Like waking up in the shivering Isle for example. A place where the concept nonsense thrives, and where the very definitions of rules are laughed upon.

Either way, my personal dreams were quickly cut short when the inevitable started to occur. My flappy little left arm finally gave up under the heavy strain, as I suddenly found myself letting go of the pole entirely.

“Well shit…if only it was my right arm, and not my left one.” Was the only thought I had running through my head as I was immediately starting to be dragged off by the overwhelming weight of this dinky ass bridge that was actually only wide enough for me to leisurely walk on.

Again, if I had been holding on with my right arm it would have certainly be a completely different story. I am right handed after all.

“Oh no you don’t!” Something suddenly grabbed me by my left arm before I could completely disappear into the void below.

I immediately found myself stopping from my imperiled demise, as a set of hooves were holding onto me before pulling me back up all the way to the wooden post where I could finally properly hold onto with my RIGHT arm this time.

Though, the remains of the bridge where still very much tied around my left ankle, which was only somewhat of a bittersweet safe in my end. But alas, at least I got saved and that was that, now the only thing I needed to do was to thank the person who allowed me another chance to see the morning and to…

“…uhm…who the fuck are they?” I asked myself as I looked up at the individual that was generous enough to pull me up from my bad luck.

Or rather should I say, saviors. As one pony pulling up a full grown man while tied to a limply hanging bridge kind of sounds a little bit too outlandish for me.

Not being racist here to ponies if some might be wondering.

But either way, I quickly found myself confronted by two darkly clad, latex wearing horses with wings on their backs. Pegasi obviously, with the one closest to me being a chick and the other most likely being a dick judging by his broader form and larger muzzle. But besides that, the two almost looked somewhat identical to one another in terms of visible fur and mane color, with the mare only sporting a somewhat light shade of blue on both spectrums in comparison to her boyfriend over there, or maybe just friend, or cousin, or brother, or some random dude she paid to put on the same kinky little suit as her. For reasons unknown and frankly, who cares either.

Once again, I am finding myself losing the bigger picture of the overall scene here.

The mare closest to me just gave me a smug grin when I looked up at her. A grin which almost reminded me of Skittles in some way which kinda makes me…

“What the…who the hay are you guys?” Speaking of the devil, here is skittles.

“Nopony you should be concerned with, because we are only here for your very unique friend over here and nopony else.” A hidden figure suddenly stated, before said figure suddenly materializes out of the fog above her and immediately body slammed directly into the oblivious from of Rainbow dash, forcing the two of them to the ground not too far away from me.

Hey, did I actually call her by her full name for once? I am going sane already? I hope not. I might actually need to do some hardcore pony trolling when all of this is done. Just to keep my insanity in check. Actually, I might just do that anyway subconsciously afterwards, so why am I even worrying about that.

“Wait, did I just spaced out again?” I wondered before blinking myself back into the reality of things and just noticing that RD was now being held that by her own ‘random enemy encounter’ who was wearing the same latex suit as the other two. Another stud, judging by his bulk.

“What the…get the HAY OFF OF ME!” RD protested as she tried to struggle.

The dude on top of her only smirked, as he added more pressure towards the mare, much to her visible anger and discomfort.

At first, I was expecting to witness my first pony porn right here and now, until I quickly remembered what these guys were actually wearing. Very tight and enclosing latex suits. Things are somewhat difficult to get off, especially when the zipper is located on their backs.

I have a VERY extensive family after all.

Anyway, the mare on top of me simply chuckled as this display was being played out, eventually looking down back at me and tapping me gently on my right gripping arm to get my attention.

She gave me a smirk one that oozes…something…yeah those goggles makes it somewhat hard for me to read their emotions and intentions.

“You seemed to be in a bit of a pickle their, friend. Would you mind if we lend you a hoof and untie your leg from your burden? Certainly would be a lot more comfortable for you if those ropes are off your limbs.” She offered somewhat kindly. Which was also suspicions given her overall tone and attitude.

But for the sake of curiosity, and the fact that she was kinda right with her claims. I quickly decided to accept her offer and see where it was really going from there.”

I nod. “Sure, but could you also make sure to tie these robes back up to both of the Ankers to keep the bridge from totally collapsing in on itself? There are a pack of 5 ponies waiting on the other side who are also in the need of cross this gorge as well. They have to go and save the world or whatever.” I responded while grunting a bit at the slowly increasing strain on my right arm.

My right arm might be naturally stronger than my left but I am still no a bodybuilder or a “fit” enough to keeps this one forever. I still have my limits here and it is showing. My right arm is also slowly going numb from the strain

To my surprise, or should I say, NOT surprise. She just shook her head towards my request.

“Sorry, no can-do buddy. You see, those ponies over there…” She pointed at the other side of the gorge which was now completely covered in a thick white fog right now. ”…are not really welcomed here. Same with her.” She pointed at RD next before continuing. ”You could say that this area is a ‘Private retreat’ of ours, which means that nopony other than the members of the shadowbolts are allowed to be here at any given time. Unlike you though…” She again, gave me a sly smirk. ”...You are an exception. In fact, we have been personally waiting AND observing you ever since you appeared into this world. We would be honored if something so unique as yourself would join our ranks and make the night sky a terror for those who are not made for it. You won’t believe the potential that is sleeping inside of you. So…what do you say?” She finally asked, looking down at me with a grin plastered on her face.

I just gave her a curious eyebrow. “Ok, but what is in it for me?” I ask, still trying to probe this thing to see where it was fundamentally leading up to.

“What? Don’t listen to these creeps Alex! They’re obviously nothing but a bunch of…ARGH…just look at what this guy is do...” RD tried to scream before the other stud who used to be next to the mare plucked her mouth with a fist full of grass which did the trick.

“Be quiet, the adults are talking.” The stud added, which in turn, just got him a very nasty looking glare from the prismatic little mare under him.

The mare in front of me just shook her head, before smirking once more.

“Well, I was actually hoping that you would ask that.” She began before moving over towards a large rock and sinking her hoof behind it.

What she quickly pulled out was a surprisingly well made silver plate that was the very thing I was seeking for ever since I sat foot on this forest.

The smell, the colors, the...curves.

“The end of the rainbow.” I stated in surprise and awe at the perfectly rounded beauty in front of me.

The mare just nod. “Yes. Emmental cheese, one of you favorite I presume. All yours and yours alone if you join us and leave these silly little fillies behind with their own devices. And to make this deal even more enticing, we actually have a whole stock full of these back down in the Castle Cellars. All yours if you make the right choice my friend.” She explained, before removing her goggles upwards and exposing her sapphire colored eyes and giving me a little playful wink.

The implications are clear, but ultimately pointless. I have only have one true love. That perfectly rounded and polished up wheel of Emmental. Waiting, becking, giving me kissy, kissy faces, and just begging me to grab it from the flirty mare’s clutches. Those hooves, obviously dirty and not fit to hold on to a piece of art like that for any extended amount of time. Just take it alex, and your quest will finally be completed.

There is nothing I wanted more, than to finally call this shit quits, and get myself back home. To have my sweet ass time in implementing this fine piece of art in all possible dishes and combinations.

Or just eat it raw, because I can do that too.

The mere sight of this wonder of the universe is enough to make me hungry. Very, VERY hungry.

“Well?” The mystery chick in front of me eventually asked as she gave me a strange and somewhat impatient look.

“I am waiting.” She added while tapping her free hoof.

Well I certainly got a response for her. Because all I really want right now is THAT CHEESE and nothing is going to stop me. Especially some wanna be sexy lady who isn’t even an actual lady. I spend WAY too much fucking time to even get here, delays, monsters, gay serpents, and a bunch of horses in latex suits. I demand compensation.

“Bitch, that cheese is MINE” I declared loudly with a glare.

She flinched back a bit, confused and probably not expected such a response from someone.

“Wha-what?” She demanded, still in shock and somewhat agitated at my insults.

The only responds she got from of her efforts was just a sizable rock hitting her on the forehead. A rock I quickly managed to snatched up with my free hand and threw it at her. She of course, collapses, hitting the ground back first and kicking up a lot of dirt and dust on impact. Freeing the golden treasure from her grasp and right into my waiting arms.

The two stallions next to dashi were of course stunt shocked by this. But before they could even properly react to my act of mutiny, I quickly picked up another set of rocks close by, and threw them too. Hit, sinker, and another set of two very audible thuds later, the two were out as well.

Thank you neighbor for being such an assshole.

Anyway, what that little act on assault out of the way, I swiftly grabbed my desired cheese prize with my left arm, and held it close to me. Grinning madly and giggling like a drunk school girl at the knowledge that the trip has finally met it’s end on a positive note. I finally have my prize and that is all I needed to know.

“YES, its mine, its finally MINE. ALL THE PAIN, ALL THE HARDSHIP AND HARDWORK HAS FINALLY PAID OFF. AND NOW, I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE RAINBOW! YES! TOTAL VICTORY IS MINE!!!” I screamed into the heavens like the complete lunatic that I am. Feeling both proud and happy towards myself that another day's work has finally paid itself off.

Nothing can possibly ruin this moment, absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing, not a zero quarter halve of a basket in the sea nothi…

...And that’s when the wooden support I was holding onto finally decided to give way under my weight.

I momentarily froze for just a millisecond before the dread of the situation finally hits me. Especially when I was starting to get dragged along the dirt.

I was going to die and I didn’t even have my first bite out of my prize yet. Now I am truly feeling dread.

“AHHH, EXCEPT THAT! THIS CAN TOTALLY RUIN THE MOOD OF MY VICTORY! HILFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!” I screamed, clutching my new wheel as if my very life depended on it.

It kinda did, the only problem is that it wouldn’t really do much in actually saving me.

I clenched my arms hard against my prize as I was on the verge of reaching the edge of the cliff, only for me to almost get choked to death instead when something suddenly grabbed me from the collar of my shirt. Saving me yet again, or dooming me if this situation wasn’t going to break my neck instead.

“Hold on…I got you.” I Dashie grunted, struggling to pull me up with her teeth. Her heavy breathing quite noticeable on the back of my neck, taunting me with its presence.

At least one of us can breathe, you selfish ass skittle wanna be.

“They’re…just…a little more. Dear Celestia you are heavy!” Dashie complained as she slowly, but surely managed to pull me back to safer grounds.

The reason as to why I might be so heavy to pull back in the first place, might be because of the fact that I was still very much attached to the bridge. But of course, I was pretty much unable to point that out as she was still choking me to death with her methods.

But hey, at least I still managed to hold onto my cheese while all of this shit was happening, so not all is lost. Only a bit of my pride and a piece of my shirt’s collar too.

“Alright, you just sit there while I try to get the bridge off you leg, never thought that I would ever say that...buuut anway. Also have to try and fix up the bridge after you’re free. Shouldn’t be to difficult, I hope.” Dashie sighed out after she was done dragging me through the dirt, before trotting over to my leg and doing her thing.

I yet again, was not particularly paying much attention on her jabbering as I was more focused on all the different possibilities I could have with my prize once I get home, or at least, back to the pony village and see if anyone living there actually has a kitchen that I could borrow.

“Or I could just give this beauty a try right now and save myself another arduous trip back to base. Nothing says that I can’t just take out a test bite out of this before then.” I Thought with a grin before pushing myself up into a sitting position.

I gave the giant wheel a tentative sniff and sighed.

“No better time than the present.” I told to myself as I slowly heaved the golden wheel up to my mouth in order to take a test bite out of it for old times sake. Only for my teeth to unexpectingly bite into nothing which momentarily confused the ever-living hell out of me for just a moment.

Only for that confusion to quickly turn into panic as I watched my wonderful treasure dissolving right in front of my widening eyes and shaking hands.

This is my nightmare.

“No no no no no NOOOOOOO NONONONONONONONONO NOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT THE FUCK!? NO! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? WHERE IS IT GOING!? SCHEISSE!” I screamed in utter panic as the wheel was slowly dissolving itself like sand, flowing right through my trembling fingers.

I tried in vain to hold onto what was left of it, only to have it dissolve as well when I tried. I even went so far as to move, dig, and shuffle the sand pile beneath me that was once my awaited prize of this bullshit trip.

A moment of pure, unadulterated dread, fear, disbelieve, denial, and then eventually hard heart stabbing realization were washing all at once through my already overloaded systems all at once, almost forcing me into unconsciousness.

I was in hell, this is my hell.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I raised my arms into the heavens and screamed, letting all of this terrible world know of my pain and suffering. A crushing sensation indeed, the worst I have ever felt in my entire life and I am even not exaggerating here.

The world was dead, I was dead, and the universe might as well be dead as well. The very meaning of existence has now become nothing but a living hell for me.

It was all a lie; the cheese, the world, all of it, a lie!

“What’s happening? what is going on? Alex? Alex what’s the matter?” I heard Twilight shout, seeing her and the rest of the girls gallop up to my kneeling form and expecting the absolute worst judging by their looks.

It WAS the absolute worst. For me at least.

I didn’t respond, just content in lifelessly staring at the sandy remains of what was once my golden ticket to paradise. Now that it was gone. What else was their to do than just mope for my loss and getting myself into a fetal position while telling myself that everything is going to be ok?

Just like how I did on my first ever visit to the dentist when I was young. Only a lot more dramatic and certainly way more serious.

“Alex, Alex are you alright? Please say something?” I continued to hear Twilight plead next to me as the rest of the group where looking on around me. All wearing looks of genuine concern by the looks of it.

Though the only thing that I could truly hear inside my long void mind, were soft, but still very distinguishable echoes of laughter. Something the girls also must have noticed as they all started to gaze up in search of it’s source.

I know that laughter, I have heard it before, at the very beginning. The voice, it’s tone, the nightmare, my personal nightmare. A nightmare conjured by that fucking bitch nightmare DEAD. DEAD if I ever get my greasy, keyboard marked fingers on that snatch sucking cunt.

This was her work. I just know it.

I slowly began to raise up my head. Twilight, being the one who actually faced me quickly back paddled out of surprise, shock, and a great hint of fear after she saw my expression.

Same with the rest, after they saw just how LIVID I truly was at the moment.

A blood vein on was dangerously close in going Nagasaki on my forehead.

“That cunt sucking, daddy fucking, stinking piece of GARBAGE DAUGHTER OF A WHORE! I’LL MURDER HER, YOU HEAR ME!? MURDER! MURDER ON THE VERY TOP RANK HIGH LEVEL FIRST DEGREE THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN THE MOST HARDCORE JUDGE IN AMERICA HAVE AN IMMEDIATE HEART ATTACK AFTER HEARING WHAT I HAVE DONE! SHE IS DEAD! YOU HEAR!? ME DEAD!” I screamed. Jumping back up onto my feet and eyeing the castle ruin in front of me with absolute malice.

I stormed myself over there, stomping, fuming, and cursing every curse word know to man as all kinds of dark thoughts and ideas on what I will do to this black, racist horse once I get my filthy little hands on her. Only for me to promptly realise that I have left my still standing and coffee filled mug, which was still resting on the same spot to where I dropped it early when the bridge thing happened.

I immediately turned back stomping, fuming, and cursing every curse word known to man in regards in to how stupid I was for forgetting the only items in this god forsaken world that still held significant value to me.

I quickly grabbed it, turned around, took a little sip of it just because, before finally stomping, fuming, and cursing my way back to the castle while cursing every curse word known to man and accidentally forgetting some of them thanks to my overall lack of focus and proper thought process thanks to my anger.

Cursing to myself for forgetting some of them so easily in such a crucial time.

Yes, there was a lot of cursing happening. So much that even Fluttershy was blushing at some of them.

I made myself up the broken and moss-covered stairs of this bitch before kicking down the termite ridden doors in a rather uncalled for and forceful fashion. Almost causing one of its many hinges to pop out of its casings.

“HERE’S JHONNY! AND HE IS GOING TO SHOVE HIS ARM SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, HE CAN SEE HIS HAND EXITING YOUR BODY FROM THE OTHER SIDE! BITCH, GET OVER HERE SO THAT I CAN GO N.S.F.W ON YOUR EBONY COVERED ASS!” I shouted once I found myself within into the entrance hall of this damned ruin.

A few more cracks appeared in certain places of the ruined walls after I made my declaration.

I immediately began to look around, keeping an out eye for this ebony horse so that I can show her what REAL fisting feels like.

“Uhm…uh…Alex…I think you should…You know, kinda calm down there sugar cube, and…uhm, take a breather…or something. You’re literally red everywhere...which couldn’t possibly be healthy for anypony.” AJ tried to intervene after she and the girls quickly managed to catch up with me, while still keeping their distance.

I swiftly turned myself around on my heel to look at her. She flinched and backpaddled a bit as I stared at her with my crazed eyes.

“Calm down? What do you mean calm down!? I am the very definition of calm. Calm as a fucking whistle there mate.” I calmly answered with a forced grin as my left eye started to twitch uncontrollably.

This was when Twilight decided to but in again. Only for her to flinch back just like AJ when I looked at her.

“I…I don’t think that twitching eye, shaky body, and fuming mouth are the medical definition of somepony being calm. AJ is right, you need to calm yourself down before you might actually end up hurting yourself. We’re just concerned for you, that’s all.” Twilight pleaded. Trying to approach me carefully, placing a hoof against my left shin to get her plea across.

It…surprisingly worked…somehow quickly found myself losing the high blood pressure in an almost alarming rate. In the end, I just started to feel tired and empty. Just having this overwhelming need to simply go back home and lay myself down to bed, trying to forget about everything that had happened today.

I eventually raised my arms defensively. “Fine, fine. I am calm. I am fucking calm now, and tired, so very tired. Tired enough that I just want to go home and take a long nap.” I stated, with everything connected to my body sagging down. Arms, head, facial expression, everything. I was just feeling so tired from all of this.

Twilight smiled before removing her dirty hoof off of my shin. “Come on, let’s just find these Elements and fix all the damage that nightmare moon have caused, so that we can ALL go home and call this a day. The sooner we bring equestria back to normal, the better.” Twilight added.

The collection of girls just nod, before they all began to spread out to try and find these elusive MacGuffins so that they can stop nightmare horse or whatever her second name was.

I on the other hand, just decided to take a seat on the closest broken pillar I could find and rest my feet for a bit. Once again being reminded in just how unpractical flip flops are for hiking.

“I should really start thinking about getting some actual hiking shoes or something. That is, if I ever do something like this again.” I thought.

I was about to allow myself to doze off and rest myself from both the physical and mental exhaustion that I was feeling, but the universe had other ideas. It's not particularly common, but still noticeable enough for me to start writing a novel about. Which I could, that is if I can ever be bothered to do so.

“The elements, we found them.” And was the sentence that basically started it all. Where things were began to lead onto one ridiculous ride after another, with a little hint of annoyance in between to spice things up. Or rather to annoy me.

Soon after those very words were spoken out by one of the girls. A sudden gust of wind suddenly surrounded me and the pillar that I was sitting on before everything quickly turned dark and misty for no real reason, causing me to actually make an effort of raising an eyebrow, despite my lack of enthusiasm to normally do so.

Once the mist cleared, I was actually forced to raise BOTH eyebrows (yeah shocking) at the same time when the sudden change of scenery quickly registered to my brain. A completely different room from the one I just stormed through. Not as large, and certainly not as cluttered as the one I just left.

In fact, there was also a very audible thud nearby. Followed by a girlish yelp coming from the same source.

It was kind of a good thing that this pillar got teleported along with me. Because I was certainly not yet in the mood in getting off of it with my overall level of fatigue and pain that my legs and feet are feeling.

As far as I am concerned, I am in a perfectly good mood to just stay here on my pillar, and allow the rest of the world to go fuck itself. Unless some dumb idiot decided to knock off my coffee mug, it will be a declaration of war.

But do not fret, because Twilight is here with me, so that is a bonus. And by bonus I mean a bonus of her most likely standing between me and who ever it was that teleported us here in the first place. Basically acting as my own personal meat shield for the time being, or at least a distraction for whoever else is also in the room.

“Well, well, well. It took you long enough.” I suddenly heard someone say. A voice that almost made my blood boil for the second time.

Twilight gasped. “Nightmare moon.” She responded oh so dramatically as she quickly got back up onto her hooves.

I just blew a raspberry in irritation and grumbled to myself with a frown. At this point, I really had no interest in listening or interacting with this bitch and whatever else she had to say. She already committed a cardinal sin on my books, so again. I have zero interest to entertain her.

Plus, It's most likely going to be just some random dumb villain speech that all cartoon villains do. Spouting shit like, how “close” they are in winning and how desperate the situation is for the heroes. Sometimes even going so far as to fully lay out their plans in front of the heroes, so that said heros can still find a way to bitch slap them to oblivion. Or a random Deus Ex Machina, whichever comes first.

Either way, she isn’t particularly forward thinking. Perfectly proving it with her “eternal night” concept.

I personally don’t know how long I have been gone on a mental level, but it certainly must have been long enough for nightmare horse to eventually take notice of my presence and basically teleported her ebony clad ass right next to me, reminding me that this place truly needs to introduce basic body wears to their people. That ethereal tail of her’s isn’t exactly fulfilling it’s quest of being a tail. Even worse when it’s bend at an upwards angle from it’s base.

“Well there, we meet again it seems.” She started, looking me up and down from my sitting position which in turn just increased her overall curiosity and wonder. “My, my, I have never seen such a creature like you before. Wearing strange clothes and being practically furless from what I can see. Tell me, what exactly forces a creature like you to follow a hopeless gang of fillies deep within the everfree forest? Certainly you should must have already “received” the “one” thing that you originally came here for.” She added with a grin, making me frown even harder at the aforementioned “one thing” that she mention. Perfectly proving the fact that she was behind it after all.

I should technically be showing my fist up her ass right about now. But as an alternative, I prompted to look behind my shoulder instead, looking as to how Twilight managed to fuck up this bad for this bitch to be even take notice of me in the first place.

Only for me to find out that she was in the process of getting back up on her hoof, for whatever reason.

Good, because I certainly don’t feel like entertaining her, especially with what she has done to me.

I can be extremely spiteful when I want to.

Nightmare’s grin quickly waned through when she realized that I was mostly ignoring her. She was about to say something when another random encounter prevented her from doing so.

The inevitable arrival of the rest of the pussies. Really, it’s just NOW occurred to me that I have been mostly surrounded by civilians this entire time, since I woke up and since I got tricked in getting my ass moving into the most annoyingly cliché and time killing forest imaginable. Where are the actual soldiers? No? Well shit, no wonder such comical disasters of a villain has managed to get THIS far.

But anyway, self imposed rambling aside. I went back to ignoring everything. Even more so when nightmare finally decided to piss off after she notice that the colorful brigade has finally arrived. Meaning, that they will most likely take care of the rest while I can be left alone on my precipice. Just need to wait until I can finally go home.

After a while, Twilight eventually started talking again, which went completely over my head again, as I was more concerned with keeping an eye on my rattling mug next to me in case it falls over the edge because of all the ruckus. A ruckus that was caused with the sudden appearance of bright, epilepsy inducing light that flashed all around the room.

To say that the rapidly blinking light show was annoying would be an understatement. So much so, that it made me to consider to finally get off my ass and call these ponies out to stop this ruckus. In fact, that is exactly what I tried to do. But only to get momentarily blinded by said rainbow show, suddenly finding myself holding onto the hilt of a very stylish looking blade after the laser show stopped.

Everybody in the room was stock still, including me. Shock and surprise were etched into their faces. Even including nightmare mare over there as I simply stared down at this rather heavy, but still quite beautiful looking kit of a mediaeval murder weapon resting on the palm of my hand.

“What?”

“What?”

“What?”

“huh”

“Oh, what a twist”

“What?”

“WHAT!?”

“…was?” was my final but casual response as continued to look down at this sword with upchucked confusion.

The fact that I suddenly had a sword in my hands in the first place is enough for me to just…lose myself in the moment, which in turn caused a very crucial part of my mind to kick start itself once more, awaking itself from it’s near sleep-inducing mode thanks to all of this emotional stress from before.

The ME part of my brain.

“Huh, so that’s what a Deu Ex Machina looks and feels like” I mindlessly mumbled to myself as I continued to observed the golden handle and silver bladed sword in my hands.

With its rather thick guard covered in neatly cut gems which were shaped into the same symbolic depiction as one of those butt tattoo that all of these girls have on their rear.

Why with those? I do not know.

But none of that really interested me as the same way as did the pommel of this sword. Being basically just a golden hand flipping the bird so to say. Comical and certainly the best sword pommel I have ever seen.

Unpractical, but still very much comical, and perfectly fitting for someone of my character.

How come that nobody has ever made a mod like this for Skyrim? A sword with a “fuck you” gesture as its pommel would almost be universally accepted as all of those EMB and boob mods.

“No, no, NO! This can’t be! What, what in the stars name is the meaning of this!? THIS WAS NEVER PLANNED!” I heard nightmare scream with both anger and denial.

“No. This…I will not…This ends now. right here right NOW!” She screamed, before flaring her wings and powering up her horn. Shooting a death beam laser out of it soon after.

It of course, miss when I demonstrated my superior “fuck this shit I am out” skills by quickly side stepping out of inborn reflexes and causing it to harmlessly impact the wall behind me. Kicking up a lot of dust and debri, and more or less, turning this place into a really shitty disco mist covered floor with the mist being more of a choking hazard than anything else. Though, that also meant that the explosion unfortunately created a shockwave, which not only shocked the ground I was standing on, but also the pillar from where my coffee mug was resting upon. Knocking it off its previously resting place, sending it hurdling down towards the dirt and grim infested floor.

My eyes immediately went wide as I noticed this impending disaster as time around me suddenly slowed down. I watched in surprised horror as the remaining contents of my precious mug where spilled out onto the floor like piss leaking out from a clogged toilet. As if finding out that my promised prise was nothing but a mirage, a lie fabricated by one of the dumbest and most cliche villains imaginable, now she committed the second most unforgivable sin of spilling my coffee as well. Not to mention damaging my mug, if that even happened.

From my position it was hard to tell, so whatever can get me pissed off even more, I will easily take it with a grain of added salt to rub it on an already reopened wound.

This was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

My horror quickly morphed into rage as I aimed it directly at the black racist bitch who had been responsible for all of my nightmare to come true.

Well guess what? I will make her’s come true too.

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!” I screamed, mindlessly throwing the sword at her in blind rage.

The blade suddenly sparked into another flash of blinding light before forming itself into a rainbow that quickly enveloped the dark racist bitch into its vortex. She screamed in both horror and agony as the most gayest looking tornado I have ever seen suffocated her before exploding into another flash of light.

After that, the blade suddenly re-materialized to my hand afterwards as the dusk a grim started to settle. Allowing the rest of the girls to regain their composure and allowing me to properly view the damage I have caused. Only to find nothing but a small puddle of piss where the bitch used to stand.

To say that I finally felt a sense of satisfaction for having my revenge would have been an understatement. I doubt that I actually killed her by how...harmless that attacked looked liked with the rainbow and shit. But at least it was good to know that I place this black ass to her place and saved this world from freezing to death by her stupid plan.

I felt proud. Holding my head high while striking a dramatic, badass expression while resting my left arm against my thigh and holding the blade downward with the other.

“Did...did it work? Is nightmare moon really…” Twilight tried to say when all of the sudden, another random person abruptly joins the fray from a side pillar that I have not yet realized was their.

“Yes, my faithful student. You and your new friends have finally succeeded where I have…” This new white chick started to say, before stopping herself as he eyes finally landed on me.

She sported a look of utter confusion and surprise at the same time.

I raised a curious eyebrow at her arrival.

“Oh, great another racist. What are you a member of the KKK or the white supremacy movement? Geeze I guess all tall ponies are somehow racists in this world.” I boldly stated, causing several gasps to erupted from the room thanks to that.

All in a day's work.