Author's Note

God, it feels so nice to hit up a new story and just let my brain ramble down whatever path it wants. So many words, so little time. And now, I must go run headfirst into a wall until I fall asleep, because it is 1am and I have a shift starting in four hours.

Peace!

Chapter 4: Of Princesses and Perils

Chapter 4.

“Your Majesty, you know I would never question your orders …”

“Oh please, Shining, we have known each other ever since your brother came into my care all those years ago. Spit it out, my friend, there’s no need to stand on rank when we’re the only two beings in the room.”

“But we’re not … oh, very well. Was it really a wise idea to send Dusk and Spine alone, unescorted and unguarded, to Ponyville? Putting aside the fact you just sent the youngest A-Class Wizard in history out to a town that borders the Everfree Forest, a place where a ley-line runs so close to the surface the town has had to install scores of anti-magic towers just so that ponies can use modern technology in the area without everything built around an arcane battery exploding from being oversaturated with mana, we’re both aware that Spine and Dusk have a relationship, an intensely physical one at that, and we just removed them from your immediate presence, possibly the only factor that prevents Spine from giving in to her hoarding instincts on a particularly bad day and pulverizing my little brother from the navel down.” Shining asked, pouting in a way that would have, if Cadence had been in a position to see his face, likely resulted in Celestia watching the poor, strapping young Stallion being ravished on the spot by his would-be beau, regardless of his consent. “I’m not sure I’m prepared to face a scenario where I have to inform my parents that their darling daughter-turned-son has been humped into a paraplegic state by an oversexed Dragon. Or worse yet, discover pictures of Dusk and Spine in the middle of a ‘biology lesson’ splashed across the front-page of the gossip-rags.”

“I trust that Spine can hold herself in check, especially if Dusk keeps ‘helping’ Spine keep her stress-levels down. And I would argue that a love-struck Dragon eager to keep Dusk’s … second horn all to herself will prove quite sufficient as a body-guard for your little brother, Shining Armor. Anyone foolish enough to try to actively hurt Dusk is going to have to deal with one of my best wizards and his devoted draconic companion, and that’s a combination even you might have a problem with.” Princess Celestia smiled warmly at the captain, idly wondering if she might be able to get the adorably straight-laced Stallion up to her office for some vigorous ‘paperwork’ before her smile turned into a smirk when she caught a familiar flash of pink from the corner of her eye.

Celestia only just resisted the urge to laugh out loud at the familiar neon-pink face, half-hidden behind a carved marble pillar, glaring daggers at her. Shining Armor’s most potent stalker to-date having managed to slip past the Royal Guards that protected the entrance to Celestia’s private rooms … and somehow, Shining Armor had known the other Alicorn was there before Celestia had. “I suspect you may have stalking issues of your own to deal with sooner rather than later, dear Shining.”

“… Oh dear sweet Faust, I was hoping I was wrong.” Shining whispered, his face going taunt but his body remaining in the parade stance. Honestly, he is the perfect Stallion … or he would be if he somehow sprouted wings and a foot-long erection right now. Damn Cadence’s infatuation, I’d take him in a heartbeat if that happened, flee the country and see if a male alicorn can finally provide me with children that won’t wither and die in my arms after less than a century!

“Perhaps you’d prefer to avoid an unpleasant meeting, and come up to my office and help me with … the royal paperwork, Shining? I have a rather troublesome problem that could use your particular skills.” Long millennia of practice and politics allowed Celestia to keep her voice calm and level in the face of the stare-o-death from Cadence that was actively attempting to burn a hole into the middle of Celestia’s noggin and the raging blush that had burst into existence on Shining Armor’s face … and a growing tent in his pants. Half of her wanted to go over and give her ‘niece’ a firm kick to the backside for her antics. The other half wanted to laugh at the expression of mingled excitement, horror and nervousness that was currently controlling Shining Armor’s face.

The offer to ‘help with the royal paperwork’ had long been a time-honoured code-phrase for high-ranked Guards assisting Celestia with soothing certain biological imperatives. A tradition that Celestia had certainly done little to suppress within the upper-ranks of the Royal Guard, mostly out of self-interest, but she did insist that only the top officers know about it. She had no intention of her ‘indiscretions’ joining the barracks-room gossip-circle legends.

There was a secret, additional reason her Royal Guards were chosen for both physical condition and mental prowess that had nothing to do with their skills on the battlefield. More than a few ‘princes’ and ‘princesses’ in history had their genesis in the efforts of a particularly vigorous or charismatic Royal Guard, or at least one member out of a group of them, and damn what the history books and desperate Nobles struggling for relevance claimed.

Being the Goddess of the Sun had its downsides when one’s race had a tendency to slip into an annual breeding frenzy during the spring months due to increased exposure to sunlight triggering certain primal instincts to release hormones that made Mares ‘frisky’ and Stallions ready to ‘perform’ at a moment’s notice. For Celestia, it was like being in a year-round, nearly-constant state of arousal due to the power of the Sun suffusing every fibre of her being, a condition she had long learned to live with to a point she could live in normal society without knocking down the nearest stud and riding him till she was satisfied or his balls imploded, but still the temporary relief a talented lover, or even just a very backed up one, could provide was a welcome reprieve to her constant ‘distraction’.

Many had wondered why Celestia insisted on walking everywhere when she had two massive, glorious wings to carry her aloft. The more romantic believed it was because walking on the ground like a mere mortal made her more approachable to all Ponykind, but in truth it had more to do with a drawer full of life-like, very large, socially-damming-if-anypony-ever-found-out devices Celestia had commissioned made through a very discreet collection of Drakes who, despite the misleading name, were very good dragons, or at least, very good at the art of creating marvellously exotic sex-toys that were guaranteed to remain firmly lodged in her royal treasure vault as she walked around the castle.

And the streets. And the shopping malls. And sometimes along the battlements. Sometimes Celestia would even join in long-distance running events, a delighted smile on her face as she huffed and puffed and pounded the pavement along with the rest of the herd. At least she could explain her flushed expression and heavy sweating as the result of attempting to combat the side-effects of her infamous sweet-tooth if pressed about it by particularly determined individuals.

Biologists had long theorized that the ‘spring madness’ had originated with the Ponykind’s primitive ancestors being influenced to reproduce immediately after the winter had passed, when larger amounts of sunlight would indicate that winter was in retreat and fodder would soon become plentiful enough to support the addition of a new generation to the herds.

Celestia simply put it down to Mother Nature wanting to see something white other than the snow of winter on the backs of all her creatures after a long cold season.

Mother Nature, that delightful hippy, was still a scandalous deviant given less than half a chance, and whenever Faust, Mother Nature and Celestia would get together, normally every few decades, to have a cup of tea and have a natter about children, politics, the state of the world and that sort of thing, the get-together couldn’t officially be considered ‘over’ until Mother Nature and Celestia were smack-dab in the middle of a raging orgy with whatever poor mortal souls happened to be within a fifty mile radius, while Faust would be yelling at them to stop traumatizing her creations while hiding her view of the proceedings behind the flimsy shield of her fingers. Or throwing lightning bolts at them all. Sometimes both at once.

“I am, ah, honoured beyond words, Princess Celestia, but I’m … concerned about what may happen to me afterwards.”

At this stage, a faint, hissed "Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!” could be heard drifting through the room, along with the faint cracking noise of the marble pillar as Cadence’s fingers dug into the hardened stone like it was the shell of a pavlova.

“I assure you, Shining, I am well-versed in handling … nuisances. I generally assign them to distant forts in the frozen north, or diplomatic posts in the middle of Gryphon or Minotaur territory.” Celestia’s face twitched into a smirk for a moment. “Or nunneries.”

“Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!”

“While that might solve the immediate issue, Prin-“

“Shining, please, call me Celestia when it is just the two of us, I insist!”

“Errr, but you can see her … oh. OH. Well, Celestia, while that might solve the immediate issue, it won’t do anything to solve the long-term one, namely that I am slated to become the Royal Protector of Princess Cadence, seemingly before the official judging takes place.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at Shining and made a ‘go on’ motion with a hand, while mentally calculating the cost of a replacement marble pillar, and a weight-supporting one at that, as Cadence’s fingers clawed through another few inches of magically-reinforced stone in frustration.

“Well, you’re well aware that Cadence is intensely possessive of her …’subjects’. I suspect she may take it poorly if her Royal Protector is … putting paper-work into your filing cabinets. And she will likely take it out on my hide, and other things, once we are on our round-country tour as Princess and Royal Protector and away from what little influence you can still exert over her.”

Celestia’s muffled snort of laughter almost, almost drowned out the angry hiss from the not-really-hiding-anymore Alicorn behind the mangled marble pillar.

“Then perhaps Princess Cadence should be made aware that the Royal Protector’s position can and will be awarded to another Pony if I say so? Especially if I were to take the young Mare’s antics over the past few months as a sign she is incapable of the emotional maturity and control somebody with her status needs to keep in mind when they are forced to travel alone with just a single Stallion?” Celestia’s eyes twinkled with mirth as she offered the beleaguered Stallion the verbal equivalent of a handhold as he clung to the edge of the abyss, his boss, supreme overlord and goddess of the sun on one side, offering casual, no-strings, literally-divine sex while on the other side the insane demi-god of love, stalking and yanderes threatening unspeakable suffering to his everything if Shining accepted Celestia’s offer, and only the thin razor’s edge of his duty to protect him and his career … and probably his stallionhood, if Celestia was being truthful. “It is fully within my power, and completely reasonable given the state of the world right now, to assign her a full platoon of Royal Guards, seasoned veterans twice her age, should I be given reason to doubt that my poor niece cannot be trusted to act with the subtlety and dignity of an Alicorn Princess.”

“Speaking of which, putting aside the paperwork issue, I have long been seeking a new Captain for my Royal Guard, Shining. You are on the short-list, so do not fret if I do decide to put the brakes on the Royal Protector ‘promotion’ that certain Ponies seem hell-bent on giving to you.”

Shining Armor’s face went slack with shock, before Celestia noticed a curious thing: The Royal Guard stood up straighter, if that was even possible, his face hardening into the stoic mask all her soldiers were trained to produce when their emotions were in flux and he adopted a parade stance, all in a manner of seconds.

“Princess Celestia, I am a soldier, and I pride myself on getting to where not through my family’s connections, but by my own hard work, diligence … and integrity. I could never accept a position granted for favours.”

Celestia blinked, confused for a moment before she caught on and leaned forwards across her table, giving the young, angry Stallion an appraising look before speaking.

“I assure you, Shining, I do not hand out positions of authority and influence based on … hormonal impulses, unlike some Ponies who will be paying for a new pillar out of their allowance. Your integrity is the primary reason you are on that short list for Captain of my Royal Guard, and your strong sense of duty, integrity and natural talent as a Royal Guard only increase your odds of being selected. Do not ever assume I would risk the safety of this nation by putting somepony in a position where they could do great damage simply because they happen to possess a talent for … paperwork.” The Solar Princess said warmly, smiling at the stern-faced Guard as he slowly melted from his angry position into one of meek apology.

“Celestia, I did not … I’m sorry, I just assumed that …”

“Because Cadence has allowed her desire to make you her lover to run wild, to the point of using her influence to drive potential romantic rivals out of the castle, and because I am rumoured to be something of a Stallion-eater when it comes to young, virile Ponies amongst my Royal Guards, you fear that if I ‘give’ you the position, your fellow guards will assume you simply slept your way to the top?” Celestia spoke the words calmly, though her face was slightly twisted from the knowing smirk that grew as Shining grew ever more flustered. “I am not offended, Shining, indeed I could not be prouder that such a honest young Stallion chose to serve this nation under my care, and that you would risk your own position to call me out on a perceived injustice only elevates my opinion of your worth to be my Captain of the Royal Guard.”

“Aunnnnnttttttttyyyyyyyyy!”

“Oh, go take a cold shower, Cadence.” Celestia stood up and glared over Shining’s head, to where the pink-coated ‘Alicorn of Love’ was still pretending to hide behind the shredded remains of the pillar. “And don’t think for an instant those were empty words, o’ niece of mine. Bad enough that you’ve sent some of my best maids and courtiers fleeing for their lives after they tried to flirt with Shining Armor, but if I find even a hint that you’ve used your powers to warp the minds of the judges or forced the other Royal Guards competing for the position to drop out, I will personally fly your narrow backside into the middle of the Frozen North and bar you from Canterlot until you start acting with the dignity of an Alicorn. And given you are an Alicorn, that posting could easily last centuries if I become so inclined.”

The pink-coated Alicorn dashed out from behind her shredded hiding place, mouth opening and closing with unspoken words before, with tears in her eyes, the ‘Princess of Love’ half-ran, half-flew out of Celestia’s chambers, sobbing loudly and slamming the doors open hard enough to catapult the unfortunate Royal Guards on the other side away from their posts.

“MY EEEEEEEYES!”

“My leg! My leg …”

“Well, didn’t that just go swimmingly.” Shining muttered, probably intended only for himself, as Celestia shot him a dirty look before seating herself again. “I think I will have to beg off helping you with your … filing system, Celestia, I have to go and help some of my comrades to the Royal Physicians and the inform your current Captain of the Royal Guard he needs to assign some new meat-shields to your private quarters.”

“Yes yes, the moment has passed, sadly. Still, at least my niece may leave you alone for a few days now, although I would sleep with one eye open, just in case.”

“I can maintain shield-spells in my sleep, your Highness, and I’ve long since practiced booby-trapping my private quarters. If Cadence attempts to sneak into my bedroom, with either a bag of viagra or a shaving razor, I’ll be fore-warned and prepared to bolt before she can get past the front door … or the window-sill.”

“Hmmm, admirable. Perhaps I should induce Cadence to stalk all my up-and-coming Captains of the Royal Guard so they can be as prepared as you, Shining.”

“Do that, your majesty, and you will have a revolt on your hands.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well. Crazy damn town. Never heard of a place that actually practices lignum magicae in this day and age, although a town as rustic as Ponyville would certainly be a place where such ancient rituals might have lived on.” Dusk sighed, staring around the inside of the library with new respect. A simple magic-detection spell was all he needed to see the faint, elegant wards that shaped the internal structure of the tree into an actual house, while preserving the living wood from harm caused by exposure to air where normally the core of the plant would exist.

Whoever did this was a true master. The wards even encourage the tree to continue growing wider and taller on the outside, and prevent the plant from regrowing its lost interior or suffering any stress from the changes that have been made to it. Green Thumb the Royal Gardener would give his left arm to study these wards, let alone copy them.

“OH. MY. FAUST.” Spine ruined the moment by stomping down the stairs, smoke steaming out of her nostrils before throwing herself onto a reading couch hard enough to make the furniture creak in complaint. “We’re certainly never going to run out of hot water thanks to an enchantments you put on the shower-head, but we’re going to have to rely on candles for light when it gets dark. Candles. Open flames. Inside a Faust-damned tree. Has nobody in this two-bit town ever played minecraft?”

“Spine, it’s fine, I can conjure us up some magical lights in a pinch and we can place them where-ever we want. I was talking with Mayor Mare …”

“Please, please, tell me that’s not her real name.”

“Unfortunately for you, it is. Apparently her mother was obsessed with the idea that her little filly was going to run the whole town someday …”

“Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugh. That is so lame. And terrifying on so many levels.”

“Well, carrying on, Mayor Mare says that Ponyville was founded after some farmers started an apple farm at the boundary of the Everfree Forest, not realizing most of their fields were right ontop of a minor leyline that comes within a hundred meters of the surface. The resulting apples were so magically augmented they actually mutated into an entirely new species, the Zap-Apple, which proved to be such a hit that more settlers came to this area simply to help with the harvests and sell the apples, and stuff that could be made from those apples, to the rest of Equestria.” Dusk continued, heroically ignoring Spine’s overenthusiastic complaining. “So Ponyville is literally saturated with magic to the point the town has had to sink towers designed to absorb and contain the overflowing magical energy along the town-limits to prevent the town’s electronics from burning out immediately from all the free-floating mana in the air. Meaning that some simple spell like permanent lights won’t be an issue, and all I’ll need to requisition from Canterlot will be some condensers to gather and refine the magic into actual mana and a connector-booster cradle to wirelessly connect us to the magi-net, and we’ll have you back up to 30 mana-bytes a second in no-time. You’ll be off the leaderboards for a few days, maybe less if the Princess can lean on a few mailmares for us.”

“You’re going to ask Princess Celestia, the supreme Overlord of Ponykind … to use her influence to get us faster magi-net access?”

“We’re doing her a personal favour by putting down stakes in this town for over six months of our non-immortal lives. I figure making sure you don’t strangle me in my sleep because the frustration of not being able to destroy spawn-camping noobs in your FPS games drives you round the bend ties in to that fairly solidly.” The purple Unicorn replied to the bemused young Drake. “I am also passing up on half a dozen seminars and meetings with some of the finest academic minds in Equestria just to make certain this Summer Sun Festival gets done in a way that allows Princess Celestia to actually Faust-damn mingle with her ponies, not just those inbred Nobles.”

“…Fair point. Just keep the Neightendo charged up until then, and nobody gets hurt.”

“And technically, the wards that shape and nurture the tree also protect it against most forms of fire. So unless you start breathing fire directly onto the tree for extended periods of time, burning down our temporary home-away-from-home will be a non-issue.”

“Oh, that’s a relief, because I do tend to let out a bit of flame when we … you know.”

“Aaaaaand that’s why I wear a ring filled with fire-resistant magic at all times.” Dusk chortled as Spine flushed and flipped him the bird. “Having you accidentally set my head on fire while you were lost in your own orgasm was an experience I’m not keen to repeat. Thankfully, most ponies bought the story that I’d had an accident in the lab and my hair had caught the worst of it.”

“Keep it up, buster, and I’ll set something else on fire.” The Drake retorted before stretching-out on the reading couch and sighing contentedly. “But I gotta admit … not one ‘predator’ comment, not one Pony got up in my face about not being one of them. Celestia might be right, maybe Ponyville is gonna be a good thing for us.”

“Considering this place exists at the border of the Everfree Forest, I’m not surprised they don’t really focus on stuff like you being a carnivore. Between multiple Timberwolf packs, the largest known Parasprite hive on the planet and, according to what the Mare that served us in the candy-store said, a Zebra witch all within a half-day’s walk from the center of town, I’m more surprised there’s no Royal Guard outpost here.” Dusk pointed out, walking around the room one more time to appreciate the subtle wards that shaped the living tree around them, before seating himself on the ground next to couch Spine was abusing, tracing a finger-tip across the young Dragon’s cheek, who smiled and leaned into the contact. “We’ve had a big day running around Ponyville and seeing what we’ve got to work with tomorrow, but first thing in the morning I need to go see this school-teacher, her name is Cherry-something, and see what I can do to help out there, and dig up any information I can get on where Ponyville’s fair share of tax-bits are going to. What … were you planning on doing?”

“Honestly? I kinda don’t know …” Spine sighed and pulled Dusk’s hand away from her face, clutching it between both of her own claws. “Just wander around town, maybe go see this zap-apple farm … see what passes for fun in a town like Ponyville?”

“There’s worse ways to spend a day.” The Unicorn agreed, smiling at his ‘assistant’ before blushing as he realized that Spine had begun to pull his trapped hand to her breasts. “Uh … Spine?”

“Tell me, Dusk …” The Drake’s eyes twinkled mischievously as she pushed Dusk’s entrapped hand in-between her breasts … her growing breasts, along with the rest of her, the change slowly taking her from a younger drake’s form to that of a fully grown, extremely well-endowed dragoness. “Did you pack the towels?”

“I need an adult.” Dusk whimpered.

“You are an adult.” Spine reminded Dusk firmly as she dragged the rest of the stallion onto the couch with her.