Equestria Girls - Order of No Boredom;

by chbedok

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Sex, Human, Diamond Tiara, Original Character, Equestria Girls, Trixie, Comedy, Profanity, Adventure, Discord
Length: 4427

The things that happen when a bored God of Chaos finds a new world to play with;

Twilight Sparkle told Discord to find something to occupy himself with. He found an enchanted mirror leading into an Equestria that was at once familiar, yet relatively untouched by Chaos's enriching caress, as he liked to call it.

So, he decides to give six teenagers superpowers; six teenagers dubbed with the seeds of Discord's apple, given the power to fulfil their most urgent desires, and formed into a knightly brotherhood dedicated to the alleviation of the Chaos God's soul-crushing boredom.

Virtuous in their lack of virtue, selfless in their selfishness, these are their stories.

Published 2018-03-09 01:20:11 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-13 10:43:49 UTC

Chapter 1

Sour Sweet noticed the Knight motionlessly studying her from under the single streetlamp bathing the park bench on which the stoic warrior sat. His unnatural stillness a contrast to the girl's frantic fidgeting as she flinched, looked hurriedly around, and finally threw herself into the brush flanking the tiled path. Pushing an impromptu shortcut through the overgrowth that she remembered would lead her to the main road, and a five-minute walk to her dormitory just next to the movie theatre.

Cursing at each scratch drawn across her bare legs, and her arms, as she powered through the branches and leaves. Sour Sweet finally pawed her way free into a clearing that was, thankfully, devoid of people. She had heard the stories about this place, and it had taken a week before the steamier images stopped messing with her sleep schedule.

That was when the claws came scything out of the darkness, and the resulting impact drove tracks of pain across her arm before throwing the surprised girl onto the ground.

Sour Sweet yelled in shock as she scrambled backward on her butt, heels, and palms.

The thing howled for blood and lust as it brought its claws to bear above its prize.

"STAY YOUR HAND HEATHEN SPAWN!"

There was then a silvery flash which half-blinded Sour Sweet. It was then followed by a sickening crack as the knight stomped the thing's knee so hard that the next person who could put it back together shall be rightwise king born of all Equestria. The brute then staggered the creature by ramming a buckler into the creature's upraised elbow and throwing the weight of its misshapen arm over a face twisted apart by fearsome, drool-slicked fangs.

"RADIANCE TAKES YOU!"

Something snapped again as another silver flash bit into the squealing, maimed creature. And as the beast stumbled away in an attempt to escape, the Knight fell upon it. There followed a furious sequence of slashing sliver and bone-pale claw as a massive, metal weight danced around the armored giant. Splitting flesh and powdering bone before snaring the creature's arm and whipping it aside, clearing a path for the edge of the Knight's buckler to slip in and shatter the fiend's exposed kidney.

The creature responded with an agonized yelp before retaliating with a frenzied series of claw swipes, which ended when the Knight outmaneuvered the beast and slipped past the monster, before delicately planting the knobbed weight of a heavy flail onto the creature's warped head from the rear, crying.

"TE AFFLIGAM, ANTIOCH DISCHARGE!"

Despite herself, Sour Sweet flinched aside and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Ma'am?" A low, metallic growl rolled across the darkness in guarded concern some seconds later, "Are you alright?"

Again, despite herself, Sour Sweet opened her eyes and subsequently slapped the offer of help aside as she clambered up to her feet.

"Please!" Sour Sweet spat, "I'm not some damsel in distress waiting for some ... knight to save me. I can take care of myself, thank you very much!"

"Cool," the Knight casually rumbled, "cause the fiend is still alive."

Sour Sweet attempted an impromptu impression of a surprised sloth climbing up a tree.

"KILL IT! KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!"

The barrel-chested brute stared impassively for a moment at Sour Sweet's ineffectual attempts to climb the nearest tree, before a series of rhythmic, rasping breaths came whistling through the holes punched into the visor of his pot helm.

"So cute."

"Excuse me?!" Sour Sweet screeched at the Knight's back, "Cute?! And get back here you tin-canned cunt! you can't leave me alone in the dark!"

"Fuck. Maybe you can."

Sunset Shimmer's had her interest piqued long before Sour Sweet concluded her story.

"That's what she said."

"Come on, Sour Sweet!" Shimmer replied with an exasperated huff, in response to her friend cackling at the joke.

"I'm so sorry Sunset," Sour Sweet said as her hands flew to her chest, "just trying to alleviate my trauma with a bit of humor. It's not as if I was nearly killed or anything!"

"Right, sorry."

"I mean honestly! A knight, killing a monster, right down Canterlot Park, in the middle of a moonless night. It sounds like some raving fantasy, straight out of a fairytale doesn't it?"

"First of, Sour," Sunset said as she leveled a pale, sea-blue gaze at the freckled joker sitting across the Formica cafe table. "stop that. Secondly, I once transformed into a monster, beat a trio of power-crazed sirens from another dimension, and stopped the fabric of reality tearing apart and dooming two worlds. A knight slaying monsters in a park is just Tuesday for me, so far."

Sour Sweet conceded the point with a shrug of thin shoulders as she re-did her rose-colored hair into a ponytail.

"So, is there anything you could do?"

Sunset took a moment to consider Sour Sweet's response, twirling a strand of blazing, orange hair as she compiled a list of leads she could pursue.

"Don't worry, Sour Sweet. I have some ideas and a friend who is an expert in these things. I'll send her a note, and we'll soon figure out this little mystery."

Twilight Sparkle sighed in happy contentment as she closed the cover of an old, pristine journal after reading Sunset Shimmer's note regarding her friend's adventure in the human world. Sent between two worlds by the magic connecting the journal in Twilight's possession, with a similar book kept by Sunset. Patting the cover gently with a purple hoof, Twilight levitated the journal with a casual thought onto an empty bookstand. And with a flick of her wings, the Alicorn turned around and trotted out of her library.

Through winding corridors of gems and intertwined branches, Twilight's walk ended as she reached her throne room. A soaring room decorated with even bigger gemstones, surrounding the centerpiece, a vast round table set beneath a chandelier made from what remained of the Alicorn's old library, and surrounded by five thrones of a degree of craftsmanship beyond even the greatest of Equestria's Crafts-ponies.

Settling down on her throne, Twilight took some time to preen her wings and clear her throat. She then threw her head back and yelled.

"DISCORD!"

The god of chaos was in the middle of his evening toilet when he faintly heard Twilight calling his name.

"All the way from Equestria, even" the Draconequus muttered to himself as he stood before a plank of pinewood. His lion's paw resumed waxing his goat's horn with buttercream, while the claws of an eagle's left foot ran a rolling pin down the snow-white beard extending down the lower jaw of a dragon. "Wonder what's got her wings twisted around her horn this time?"

Wordlessly, Discord unrolled a scroll out of thin air. Perusing its contents as the Discord tweaked his ear, and filled his usual cup of morning coffee.

"Whatever it is," Discord grumbled as he squeezed lime juice into the cup and stuck a cocktail umbrella into his drink, "I should find a way to stop being on the top ten list of probable causes."

Chapter 2

It started when Discord got bored, and it is saying something when a physical god, with all that it implies, gets bored.

Which was why after the Draconequus got chewed out by Twilight Sparkle for the tenth time in just as many seconds, Discord swiftly discovered the portal constructed in one of the Alicorn's multitudes of laboratories, dotted throughout Twilight's castle like a severe case of leopard spots.

"Well, now. I haven't seen this mirror in a while."

It took only moments for Discord to weigh the pros and cons of alleviating his boredom at the expense of Twilight Sparkle. For the next thing he knew, the god of chaos was in a new world. And the first thing he saw was a dying creature.

"Oh, goody! This trip keeps getting better and better!"

Sprawled across the grass, the formidable specimen of un-ponylike physicality turned its head towards Discord and marveled long at the mortal manifestation of chaos and disharmony before croaking.

"Lord in Heaven, though your angel is of hideous mien. I shall show no fear, and commend my soul to your mercy."

"Excuse me," Discord said as he floated closer to the creature, "I am a Draconequus, not whatever is an 'angel' thank you very much. I did not spend a century having dragon's fire incubating my alicorn's egg to be called anything other than what I am."

"Indeed?" The organism feebly muttered, "I guess it does not matter now."

"Come now; you're exaggerating," Discord scoffed as he poked his latest discovery in the chest, "and I'm very sure that your wounds look worse than they are."

"Do they?" The thing asked.

"No," Discord admitted, "I'm no medical pony, but I know enough to accurately say that amount of blood should all be inside the body."

The creature coughed and let his head fall back into the grass.

"Figures."

With Discord rolling his eyes in resignation, he coiled himself up comfortably beside his supine acquaintance, thinking that at the very least his boredom is being addressed.

"Tell me, you," Discord said as he carefully examined the five digits that comprised the limb that seemed a counterpart to a pony's hoof, "how did you get yourself so mortally wounded? I assume, from my practiced eye, that it was in a brawl or something equally uncouth."

The thing sighed in contented exhaustion, before mustering what effort he could to reply.

"Glorious battle, to preserve innocent life, Draconequus. Against a deadly yet worthy foe, but what speed and strength the creature possessed were no match for my spirit and skill. Consequently, it died."

"Simultaneously, however, you're dying." Discord observed, stifling a yawn as he examined the lower limbs. The size and density of which indicated that the creature was bipedal, instead of the stereotypical quadruped that was an average pony. "What martial 'skill' would leave the skillful on death's door, instead of preserving life? I ask you."

Something rattled as the thing twitched one of its shorter limbs in a flimsy attempt at an answer. Discord recognized the weapon as a knobbed, military flail.

"Historical European Martial Arts. My interpretation. And with my foe's death, I have validated its effectiveness in open combat."

Snorting in reply, Discord leaned back and folded his arms across his serpentine torso.

"And is you dying worth that knowledge? Whoever you are?"

The thing coughed again, each hacking rattle seeming to drag a piece of the creature's soul out of its claw-ravaged body.

"I have vindicated my life's passion, and found a purpose for all those years I spent, training for such a moment as this. More successful people would kill to experience this moment. Looking back at it all, this is an honor, far beyond my station in this fleeting life."

And as the creature's eyes glassed over into oblivion, it mustered one last effort to turn its head, clad as it was in a pot helm, to look Discord in the eye.

"The name's Staff Vine. A pleasure to be talking to you."

For several minutes, Discord found himself staring at Staff Vine's erstwhile corpse. Twiddling his thumbs, and sucking his fangs till the tips ached. Finally, Discord snapped his eagle's claws and caught the golden apple while popping the dew claw in his paw. Slitting the fruit apart, Discord extracted a seed, before proceeding to wrestle Staff Vine's helm off its head. Exposing a roundish, yet thickset and blood-spattered jaw.

"Twilight is so going to petrify me for doing this, which is all the more reason to do it in the first place!"

Sunset Shimmer couldn't help the slight shiver of worry as she stretched out hard in the summer sun. It had been a week since she had reported Sour Sweet's mystery to Twilight Sparkle, sending a brief message through the portal via her old journal, and she was still waiting for some form of response. The fact that people around the town of Ponyville were reporting sightings of Sour Sweet's knight with increasing frequency compounded Sunset's foreboding regarding the matter.

Well, Sunset finally decides as she sat up and stripped off her shirt. Since she had already notified Twilight in Equestria, and until the Princess of Friendship manages to reply with more concrete facts to act on, Sunset will enjoy the last few days of summer before her sophomore year started.

Tugging at the hem of her shorts, Sunset threaded her way through the sunchairs and picnic blankets, smiling a little at the boys' stares as she made her way down to the watering hole. Empty save for the few people who were skipping lunch to maximize their time flailing around in the fresh water. Sunset Shimmer chuckled as she rubbed her hands in anticipation, everything was going according to plan.

"AH! The horror! Monsters are attacking the food stalls! The horror!"

Without breaking stride, Sunset spun around and blazed a path heading for the row of stalls set up toward her left all along the edge of the watering hole. As she ran, Sunset palmed a shard of orange crystal, closed her eyes, and whispered the magic of the geode into the words, "Daydream Jitterbug!" Sending thrilling sparks of energy through her body, and up into the tips of her orange-gold hair.

Sunset then slowed to a brief halt as the power surge subsided. Before opening her eyes, and looking down at the results.

"Well, my theory worked out." She grudgingly muttered as her now gold-gloved hands reached up to feel the domino mask covering the top half of her face, and her hair done up into a high ponytail. "But when I was visualizing a suit, I did not mean 'catsuit.'"

Staff Vine breathed out slowly as he lined his feet and shoulders up behind his shield. A flat, triangular hunk of iron-rimmed wood fresh out of its packaging, and strapped to his forearm. Inhaling and reveling in the new wood scent, Staff Vine lifted his front foot off the ground and allowed his weight to drop forward. The resulting momentum surged down a straight line through the shield and into Staff Vine's target, a ramrod-straight oak tree planted on the old hill overlooking the watering hole.

Stepping back from the impact while maintaining his stance, Staff Vine observed the vibrations running all along the trunk and the leaves that he managed to shake off the branches with his charge. Satisfied with the results, Staff lined himself back behind the shield. Sighting over its top edge as he aligned the weapon's center with the depression in the tree's trunk that Staff's previous shields made over the years.

"AH! The horror! Monsters are attacking the food stalls! The horror!"

Looking up from behind his shield, Staff Vine jogged over to the edge of the hill before raising the shield over his head to both shade his eyes from the sunlight, and to better observe the riot unfolding by the waterhole's edge. As the pitch of the screams heightened in time with an incessant gibbering audible beneath the squeals of terror, a dull throb in Staff Vine's chest began clawing its way across his body as the mounting anticipation of battle started pounding through his veins. Each reverberating beat began hardening the bared skin before forcefully marshaling the unbridled magic saturating the seed planted in his chest. Using the wild energy to form thick plates of magic into armor covering Staff Vine's sizeable shoulders, spruce-timber limbs, and encasing his head in a full-faced pot helm. One final pulse of power formed Staff Vine's knobbed-headed flail and covered the dull wood of his shield with a glossy finish.

Armed and armored, Staff Vine bounced on the spot and rolled his neck and arms to spread the magic's weight evenly across his back and torso. He then hefted his flail, exhaled sharply, and broke into a silent implacable sprint down the hill.

Chapter 3

Sour Sweet screamed as a trio of gibbering creature leered and slobbered at her while she perched precariously atop a flimsy plastic table, and fended them off with a similarly fragile plastic chair.

"Go into town today, mom said! Get some sun, she said! Don't play games all day in your room where its SAFE!"

A wayward swing of her chair exposed Sour Sweet's back to the most opportunistic of the three she faced. Who lept at her and dragged her down with long, gangly arms ending in grasping hair-knotted fingers. Before hoisting his captive squirming, and yelling, over a deformed shoulder. Its arm wrapped comfortably around a slender waist as the beast gibbered at its compatriots, intent as it was on keeping its prize all to itself.

"Sour Sweet!"

"Sunset?! Help me!"

In a blur of fire and gold, one of the creatures got its head damn near kicked clean off its shoulders as the blow sent it tumbling into a nearby ice-cream cart. Scattering the kids who had chosen the vehicle as a hiding place. The second creature raised its arms and only managed a brief display of threatening disapproval before Sunset thrust the entirety of her weight, through her shoulder, into the beast's vulnerable torso. Taking the creature off its clawed feet and pitching it into the water.

Breaking left and dropped forward; Sunset's sweeping kick scythed the monster's ankles out from under its knees, cracking its sneering, imp-like head on the wood-plank floor. Sunset then sprang up, snatching Sour - Sweet out of the air while her single bound cleared both the monster's unconscious body and the plastic table against which it had put its back.

"Sour Sweet, are you alright?!"

"Damn, Sunset. That catsuit shows off your ass."

With an ululating yell, another of the beasts closed in on Sunset with wildly flailing arms. Stepping aside, Sunset dumped a screaming Sour - Sweet off her shoulder into the beast's obliging arms before stepping in and snapping a straight right across a pointed chin that covered the creatures overly large eyes with a dull glaze of unconsciousness as its knees gave way.

From the ground, Sour - Sweet groaned.

"Ok, fine. The catsuit does not make your ass work. Please don't do that again."

Chuckling, Sunset Shimmer reached over and pulled Sour - Sweet to her feet. Just as another series of hooting yells echoed from amidst the stalls and another pack of gibbering, gangly armed beasts loped out onto the pier.

"Right," Sour - Sweet whispered as she bladed her hands and raised them before her face, a feeble imitation of Sunset's posture beside her. "This is your area of expertise, what's the plan?"

"Try to hold out until I think of one."

"What an great plan, which is to plan a plan while I fight off an overwhelming number of monsters with no training whatsoever, all alone. Plan-ception!"

There then was a sudden roar which drowned out the incessant gibbering, followed by a store-front disintegrating as a human-shaped train rolled out onto the pier in an unholy riot of incoherent bellowing, ground-shaking stomps, and yells of terrified pain. Scattering the pack, and plowing what couldn't escape over the pier and into the water.

"THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE JERUSALEM EXPRESS, NEXT STOP; SPLASHVILLE! POPULATION; ALL YOU HEATHEN-BORN OF LILITH'S INFERNAL WOMB!"

Staff Vine was silent as his boots pounded the grass, each stomp devouring the inches between him and the waterhole, while his echoing breaths accompanied his charge down the hill. Halfway down the slope, he noticed the now visible beasts turning their backs to him as the pack moved closer to the watering hole, which suited his purposes as he locked on to one of the straggling animals before veering towards his right, directing the momentum of his charge towards his target.

The closer Staff Vine got, keeping silent became a natural impossibility. And quickly, the rearmost members of the pack stopped and perked their squashed, impish heads up as the stomping got both louder and faster. Finally, one of the monsters turned to follow the sound.

Somewhere far up the hill, a figure could be seen running down the slope.

The creature blinked slowly in confusion.

The creature blinked again, wondering what to make of the angry thing bearing down on it, way up the slope of the hill.

Finally, the monster decided to open its jaws to alert its pack members.

"BY SAINT ATTILA'S ARMAMENTS!"

And it got a faceful of shield for its troubles.

Unyielding, unrelenting, Staff Vine's shield-fronted charge tore through the ranks of the monster pack. Followed by a wall, and subsequently pitched all the monsters caught by his fury into the water.

"'Jerusalem Express.' 'Next stop; splashville.' 'Population; all you Heathen-born of Lilith's womb.' Staff Vine, you've got the touch."

"You! You tin-canned cunt!"

That was a familiar voice; Staff Vine thought as he angled himself around to his right, following the sound of outrage directed at him. After all, he recognized that insult and the freckle-faced, rose-haired firebrand to whom it belonged.

"D'aww," Staff Vine cooed, "So cute."

"It's him! Sunset! That's the Knight I told you about!"

Sunset? So she does not have a secret identity. Staff Vine surmised as he followed the cute girl's gaze up to her companion. A flame-wreathed goddess in a very appealing mask and catsuit combination. The golden sash, gloves, and boots accented the deep orange of the primary material. And drawing attention to the temptingly smooth curve of her hips, and the velvet-soft strength of her legs.

"Fetching ensemble, lady of gold. However, you're practically naked!"

Lazily, Staff Vine's flail unfurled and shattered the upended deck table by his feet. He then dropped to a knee and picked up two of the more substantial fragments, which he pressed into Sunset's hands.

"There. It's not much, but it should suffice for vermin."

Chuckling, Staff Vine then stepped forward and dropped into a crouch behind his shield. His flail folded over itself and resting on his shoulder as he scraped his boots off on the wooden floor. Facing what remained of the creatures as the pack regrouped for a final charge.

"Our opponents outnumber us, Ladies. But if we took the initiative, we might be able to kill most of them before they rally against us."

"We can't kill them!"

Staff Vine didn't take his eyes off the creatures stalking towards the trio. However, he placed his weight on his back foot and leaned back to listen as Sunset frantically continued.

"These things are native to my homeworld, they are called Gibbering Giblets, and they are more mischievous than destructive. I want to send them back to where they belong, but I can't send corpses home."

"Native to your homeworld? What manner of country births such hideous devilry from its soil?" Staff Vine hissed harshly over his shoulder, "So be it; I will buy you some time. Plan quickly!"

Howling, Staff Vine charged and threw himself shield first into the fray. The first Giblet, caught by surprise, blocked the edge of Staff Vine's shield with its jaw as the iron rim snapped the lower half of its face sideways into next week. Cutting past the Giblet's shoulder, Staff Vine stepped through and whipped around into a sharp semi-circle. Yanking the Giblet backward and pivoting, Staff Vine effortlessly flung the helpless animal onto the second pair of Giblets stalking closers on his left.

Leaving that mess to sort itself and barging through a gap in the enemy formation, Staff Vine jabbed the haft of his flail into the throat of the third Giblet who faced him. The impetus of which pulled him into the retching beast's guard and lined Staff Vine's shoulder up under the Giblet's arm. Stomping sideways, Staff Vine barged into his foe and shoved the thrashing creature into its kin. Knocking them over before trampling anything within reach, bullying his way towards the last of the Giblets still standing.

Finally, unfurling his flail, Staff Vine threw the ball-and-chain around the third Giblet's ankle and heaved viciously, jerking the monster off its feet and onto its back before stomping hard on the downed creature's face. Carried away by the exhilaration of combat, Staff Vine raised his foot again, yelling.

"RADIANCE TAKE YOU DEMONS! ANTIOCH DISCHARGE!"

The subsequent flash of silver light blazed furiously for a moment of brilliantly brief purity. Consequently, all that was left of the Giblets when the glare died away were piles of ash which were soon swept away by the shockwave of Staff Vine's stomp.

"What have you done?"

Staff Vine raised his hands and stepped back while quickly replied.

"I don't know! I was aiming to stun, not kill."

"Shit. I guess something is stunned if it can no longer move. Ever again."

Staff Vine gestured at the freckled girl with rose-colored hair.

"The cute one has a point."

"Mr. Knight," Sunset groaned as she massaged the bridge of her nose, "Those Giblets you slaughtered are native creatures of Equestria, who serve a vital role in the natural ecosystem. You might have just caused irreparable damage to Equestria's environment with your carelessness!"

"Hold, lady Sunset," Staff Vine began, "Firstly, I'm not a biologist, but I'm confident that my Equestria does not have ungodly demons as part of its vital ecosystems. Secondly, I did tell you to plan quickly. Third, I have no idea why my Antioch Discharge vaporized those creatures when I intended to put them on the ground, but it might have something to do with your clothes falling apart. Lastly, the crowd is returning, and I must disappear. Fade away into the sunset, as mysteriously as I arrived. Adieu!"

Leaving Sunset to scramble at her catsuit flaking off her body in large, withering pieces. Staff Vine was about to go when a someone's hand reached down and clamped down on his shoulder.

"Oh no you don't, you tin-canned cunt!" The freckled girl snapped as she tugged ineffectually hard at Staff Vine's shoulder armor, "Sunset and I aren't done with you yet!"

Giggling, Staff Vine reached over and patted the girl's head as he said.

"Fair maiden of freckles, I must depart. I may be needed elsewhere, and you have no power to make me stay."

By the time the crowd returned to the pier and started hailing Sunset as the hero of the hour. Staff Vine was out of sight, past the oak tree atop the hill, and running to catch the next bus home.