Pinkie Pie is Totally a Serial Killer

by Banjo64

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1356

Yep. She definitely is.

Yep. She definitely is.

Cover art by Reitanna-Seishin

Published 2018-03-07 16:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-07 16:50:06 UTC

Beyond a Doubt

Wakey, wakey!

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You’re right here, silly! Welcome to the party!

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Oh, I thought it was rather obvious. I mean, we’re in a creepy basement, you’re strapped down on a table, and there’s body parts everywhere.

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That’s right, this is a goodbye party. A fond farewell before you… uh... are you OK?

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Oh! Sorry! I usually have one of my friends down here, and I guess I forgot to adjust the straps for a pony your size. Just give me a second here…

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There. Much more comfy now, right?

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Well, the way I see it, just because you're about to brutally kill someone doesn't mean you have to make them uncomfortable while doing it.

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Yep. That’s right. I’m going to kill you.

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Because I’m a serial killer, duh!

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No really. I am totally a serial killer!

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Well that’s just rude! Just because my special talent is throwing parties doesn’t mean I can’t have other hobbies!

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Well, OK, this is more of a life calling instead of a hobby, but my point remains. Being a party pony doesn’t mean I can’t be a serial killer.

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Yep. For the day I was born I’ve heard a voice in my head telling me that I have to kill ponies in a specific brutal and horrifying way.

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Yeah, I don’t really get it either, and it is kind of gross. But I’ve never been one to ignore the voices in my head, so I have to do it.

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Well, duh. Of course the Cakes know about this. I couldn’t have set this whole murder room up in the basement without them noticing, after all.

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Well, they don’t really approve, but they’re OK with it as long as I make sure the twins never come down here and see it. I even Pinkie Promised to make sure they don’t.

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Oh, those. Well… they’re kind of just props.

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They’re just stand-ins until I get real ones, I swear! Well, except for the intestine streamers. Those are going to stay fake.

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Do you have any idea how fast intestines go bad? It smells terrible! Besides, we keep cooking supplies down here. I can’t just let rotten meat hang from the ceiling and ruin perfectly good baking materials.

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Yeah, the dress is fake too. But it looks realistic, right? And to be honest, even after I start collecting real cutie marks, I think I’m going to keep wearing this one instead. It’s like a great big quilt of friendship with everypony in town! And it’s just so soft!

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Oh, my friend Rarity made it for me. I’m nowhere near good enough to sew something like this myself.

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Yeah, all my friends know I’m a serial killer. And they’ve been so supportive too! They’re always happy to volunteer to be my victim.

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Well… uh… It’s true I haven’t killed them yet but...

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OK, I admit it, I haven’t actually killed anyone yet. I’m more of a serial killer in training than anything to be honest.

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No, I’ve been trying! I’ve brought almost everypony in town down here at least once. It’s just…

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Yes, there is a reason why, it’s just… well... kind of embarrassing.

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Uh, can we just agree that…

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Alright, but only if you Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony, OK?

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Oh, right. Just give me a second here…

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OK, your hooves are free. Now make the promise.

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So… the truth is that I… kind of have hemophobia.

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Yeah, hemophobia: the fear of blood. If I see more than a drop or two of the stuff, I faint.

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I know, right! It’s so humiliating being a serial killer who faints at the sight of blood!

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I’m getting better! Just yesterday I managed to cut Twilight enough to draw four drops of blood before I fainted!

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Sigh… Yeah, you’re right. I’ve tried to kill so many ponies, but I just faint right after I make the first cut. My friends even constantly offer to come down and let me try to kill them again, but I never manage to go through with it.

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It’s OK. Because I know that you’re the one! The one who will help me get my first kill!

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Oh, it’s nothing like that. I’m just certain that today is the day I manage to get past my hemophobia and kill somepony!

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Well, if you’re in a hurry, I guess we can put this off for another day, but I really think that this is it. So… could you just sit back down and let me strap you back in and kill you, please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

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Oh no, I wouldn’t want that to happen. You see that little button on the table? Right next the where your right foreleg will be held down? Just move your hoof over to push it, and the restrains will automatically come undone.

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Like I said, I don’t want you to be stuck down here for hours if I faint again. That’d be so mean of me to do! If I do go down, feel free to just let yourself out and head home. There’s even a free cupcake for your trouble on that table over there.

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Of course not! Even if I had the ingredients to bake one of those kind of cupcakes, which I sadly don’t, I wouldn’t want anypony to actually eat them.

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Do you have any idea how bad pony meat tastes? Not only is it disgusting, it gives you severe indigestion. Just because the voice is telling me to make the cupcakes doesn’t mean I’d eat one.

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Yes, I do actually know.

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I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that it didn’t involve me killing anyone, and leave it at that, please.

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Something like that. Now, are you willing to help me?

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Yay! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Now, just sit back so I can strap you back in.

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There we go. Not too tight this time. Now I just need to pick up my scalpel and… eee!

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Sorry, I’m just so excited! I’m finally going to kill somepony!

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There’s nothing wrong with a little optimism. Alright, here we go. Just stick the scalpel into your flank and…

Welcome to Sugarcube Cor… Oh! Hello again!

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Yeah, it was kind of a shame, but I guess I still have a long way to go before I can do the deed. Did your cut heal alright?

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Glad to hear it. But you know, you really didn’t have to carry me to the hospital. I’ve fainted so many times in the basement that I’ve mastered the art of half-conscious safe landings.

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Oh no, it’s fine. And don’t worry, I won’t bother you about it again. I really only dragged you down there for the off chance that you being the victim somehow made things easier. Most of the time it’s one of my friends volunteering to come downstairs with me.

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All the time! Isn’t it amazing what friends are willing to do for each other?

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Maybe not, but it works for me! Anyway, what can I do for you?

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Coming right up! That’ll be twenty bits, please.

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Thank you for your business! Have a nice day!

Author's Note

Alternative title: If Pinkie Pie really was a serial killer, she'd probably be really lousy at it.

I wrote this in maybe two days because of a plot bunny. Feel free to dismiss it as the one-note gag it is.