Why does nobody ever listen to Twilight Sparkle.
Author's Note
Not sure where this came from, but this was way too much fun to write.
Why does nobody ever listen to Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle sat in a very rare position today. She was used to attending meetings at the conference table in the Royal Palace in Canterlot, but sitting at the head of the table was a new and novel experience for her.
Or, it would be, if she wasn't just a little absolutely livid. She stared at the table at large, currently surrounded by a group of pony royalty that, up until a few hours ago, she was convinced knew better, a stern expression on her face that showed great promise in her ability to get ponies to shut the hell up in her presence should she ever assume a position of authority over more than a handful of crazy mares.
"Spike," she said quietly. The little dragon sitting to her right jumped about a foot, having been wrapped up in the air of tension in the room. "Take a letter, please."
"A-absolutely," he stammered, quietly happy to be involved in a way that didn't make Twilight turn her glare on him.
The rest of the ponies in attendance, however, seemed to be sporting expressions akin to a slow-motion flinch.
"DEAR. KING. OBERON," she started, loudly and slowly.
There was a lot of wincing involved as Spike started scribbling.
"My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. I apologize for not attending your summons to open introductions between our countries. This is only the first of many apologies included in this letter, which I hope you do not dismiss out of anger. While I would certainly understand your predilection to do so, I implore you to continue reading. First, I believe some semblance of explanation is called for in regards to the... less than courteous manner in which our delegation addressed your court.
"As you might have noticed, Equestria and Avalope have had little to no relation whatsoever in the last several thousand years. A large part of this is a fault in Equestrian culture. You see, over the last several centuries any stories of travelers from your kingdom to ours have been treated as, for lack of a better term, 'fairy tales' (which I also apologize for), as your magic and culture is so absolutely different from ours as to be seen as impossible by Equestrian scholars. Up until very, very recently, your kingdom was seen as a flight of fancy, a fictional world perpetuated by popular literature and the seeming lack of interest from our academic circles to pursue the possibility that the tales of your lands were anything more than 'childish fancy'.
"This unfortunately led to the first of what I have been assured are multiple incidents involving our... lack of diplomatic experience with the Seelie Court. Namely, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's ignorance to the fact that Seelie Guards, most noted for their astounding hearing, are extremely sensitive to any sound with a pitch above 5000 hertz, and thus a poor response to meeting one for the first time, especially considering the close proximity with which a Seelie guard can approach undetected, is not 'to scream as loud as possible' and address said guard as 'an itty bitty cutie-wootie'. Please deliver my heartfelt apologies to your forward guard, and I do hope his ear stops bleeding soon." Twilight took a moment to clear her throat and take a sip of water, all the while maintaining eye contact with Princess Cadence, which she had established and left unbroken since having said her name.
The Princess of Love would have been doing a fantastic job of imitating the crystal statue of herself in front of her castle, were it not for the shaking.
"I am relieved to hear that no... one else was injured afterwards, save for the multitude of tiny spears that were, I am assured, expertly delivered to Princess Cadenza's flanks and wings." Still maintaining line of sight, Twilight allowed a small smirk to cross her lips as she imagined the extreme discomfort her sister-in-law must be in to sit in a tall-backed chair with over a hundred very tiny holes in her rear. She then turned her attention to another member of Royalty.
"Second, I would like to address the manner in which our Royal delegation handled your standard practice of shrinking any who step foot on your land to be of comparable size to your populace, as to ease communications and physical interaction between your citizens and outsiders. As this is also a custom we are familiar with in engaging the Breezy population, myself having done so on one occasion, I was rather disturbed to hear that one of our delegates, however less academically inclined he may be," she paused as she turned her glare on her brother, who was rather unused to the anger currently radiating off his younger sibling, "Considered this an 'attempt to assail the Royal family' and proceeded to challenge the magister responsible for casting the spell to a duel. I do hope you accept the thorough defeat he endured to be punishment enough for his outlandish behavior. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO APOLOGIZE," she added sternly, as Shining raised a hoof to protest, "FOR THE MANNER IN WHICH SAID DUEL WAS INCITED. Our STANDARD CUSTOMS are, I am assured, similar to yours, in that the two contenders are taken to a neutral ground, given up to one half hour of time (as measured by the receiving Champion) to prepare, and begin their contest on a standard five-count. NOT LUNGING AT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD IN HOOF AND YELLING HAVE AT THEE, VILE TINY THING. I would ask that you take into consideration that the offender, one SHINING. ARMOR," she growled, and her brother seemed to shrink with each word, "Is the mate of the previously listed offender, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and thus his mental state had been affected by the manner in which her trespass was addressed."
Shining grumbled something about 'cheating fairy wizards' and tried to rub the spot on his coat where the fur had not started to grow back, only to kick the chair out from under himself and fall chin-first into the table, then the floor, where he laid still for a few seconds and groaned in pain.
"In addition, I would like to inquire whether or not the effects of the spell currently trading his left motor functions for his right, and vice versa, are permanent. Also, if you have a copy of that spell that is usable by unicorn means."
Again, Sparkle took a drink of water, rolled her neck, and turned to the next target on her list. "Thirdly, to the matter of the drastic differences in Equestrian and Seelie courtship rituals. As our delegates are now aware, Seelie courtship is much faster, and lasts much, much longer than our own courtship rituals. I am unsure if you are aware, but our... mating culture is one of prolonged courtship done in stages. There is a sort of... grace period in which a pony determines their compatibility with a potential mate. This is due to most ponies typically short lifespans compared to beings such as Faerie and Alicorns. While I am very aware that we share similarly prolonged lifetimes, bordering on immortality, Equestrian Royalty treats their mating rituals much the same as their subject, so as not to alienate themselves from their kingdom. We are not, in fact, used to a culture that treats any mutual attraction and proposition to," and here she stopped dictating long enough to bore her gaze into Princess Luna, who seemed bound and determined to hold her ground, "And I believe I am quoting here, 'Go somewhere private and see if everything is to scale.' While I am sure that our esteemed Princess Luna was genuinely attracted to the faerie she was addressing, I am also confident in the fact that our lack of knowledge of your culture led to the incorrect assumption that a distinct lack of clothes implied sexual proclivity, as it does here. As Princess Luna is now aware, only the highest-ranking of Faerie nobles are permitted to walk around in anything less than full garb, and complete nudity is reserved for yourself, King Oberon, and YOUR WIFE, QUEEN TITANIA, as such lack of attire is a display of your closeness and eternal ties to Nature, and NOT A STATEMENT ON SEXUALITY." This is where Princess Luna failed in maintaining her composure, and began staring at the ground.
"I would also like to point out that polyamory is not the societal norm in Equestria, and thus the Lady of the Summer Court's... positive reception to our own Princess's advances was initially perceived as an indicator that Lady Titania herself was without a mate. Fortunately, the extended lifespan of an Alicorn should grant Princess Luna ample means to fulfill the century-long marriage contract she engaged in when she SLEPT. WITH YOUR WIFE."
"Finally, I believe it is necessary to address the... conversation you had with our own Princess Celestia," who seemed to be much more interested in the ceiling than anything going on, or being said, around her, "About her presumed authority over certain aspects of your court, given her duties to raise and set the sun. As many scholars of fairie 'lore' would have been happy to inform her HAD ANY OF THEM BEEN THERE, the Fairie court is directly responsible for the progression of the sun around the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, assuring that it falls into position for her to raise the Sun each morning. We would ask kindly that the Fairie Court resume its noble task of continuing the progression of the Sun, as we have not seen it for a week."
Princess Celestia coughed lightly, refusing to meet the many stares being leveled at her.
"In conclusion, should you accept our deepest apologies, I would very much like to address you in pony, as your culture fascinates me, and I believe the opportunity for each of our respective scholarly communities to exchange information is a potential as of yet untapped. Enclosed I have sent a gift of precious metals, local herbs and spices, and as requested, a collection of photographs of Shining Armor attempting to walk normally, a reward claimed by rights of your victorious champion. Please send him, and Lady Titania, my highest regards, and inform Your Lady of the Summer that Princess Luna shall arrive in three days time to spend her first customary alternate week with her new wife."
"Respectfully and Apologetically,
Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight nodded to her assistant, who rolled up the rather long scroll, stamped it appropriately, and handed it to Twilight. As Spike had no magical link to the Seelie Court, she was required to send it herself.
It was several moments before anyone spoke. "Princess Twilight," Luna said quietly.
Sparkle took a deep breath and hissed, "Yeeesssssss?"
"Surely you must know of some way to cancel such an... obligation as to be married to the Queen of the Faeries for a century?" she pleaded.
"Oh, I do."
Luna looked up excitedly. "Wonderful, please, do tell!"
Twilight turned to walk away. "Oh, I'll let you know. In time."
Luna grimaced. "Umm... how... much time?"
"About 99 years," Twilight answered, as she closed the door behind her.
