When You Have No Off Button
Mmm… The sweet smell of hay-bacon wafted up as I gave the frying pan a good shake. Heavy hoofsteps sounded from nearby, followed shortly by a long, feminine yawn.
“Good mornin', honey.”
Princess Cadance shuffled into the royal kitchen, tired eyes looking up from her fuzzy pink slippers. “M—morning, Shiny.”
I chuckled as she scrunched her eyes, stifling a yawn with a slippered hoof. “Just finishing up breakfast, you sit your pretty flank down and get comfortable.” I twirled a spatula in my magic before pulling a chair out from the other side of the table.
“Always the gentlestallion.” Turning, she looked over the food, her eyes widening each second. “This… is a lot, Shiny. We do have castle staff, you know?”
“But it tastes better when I cook it myself.” I grinned widely. “My love just gives it that extra kick.”
Cadance snorted as she sat down. “That might just be the extra hot sauce you seem to cover everything with.”
Chuckling, I finished plating the hay-bacon atop a perfect pair of poached eggs, switched off the stove, and then set the plate down in front of Cadance. “Breakfast is served~”
“Do you have an off switch?” Cadance giggled.
“Not one you’ve found.” My grin changed into a sincere smile as I bent down, placing my ear over her rounded stomach. “How’s our little bun in the oven?”
She stopped, a fork held in her magic as she looked down. “Doctors said a few more weeks. Other than that, it’s a perfectly healt—”
“Blah blah blah, can’t hear you!” I shoved my hooves into my ears. “No spoilers!” I closed my eyes, shaking my head back and forth. After a moment, a hoof pressed against my nose, and I opened my eyes. Cadance’s loving smile greeted me, and I put my hooves back down.
“You’re going to be a great father, Shiny.” Cadance stopped to eat a few more bites as I sat back and took a deep breath.
“I know, I’m just… nervous, I guess.” I rubbed a hoof through my mane.
“Of course you are.” She bent forward and gave me a peck on the lips. “You’re just like Twilight.”
Rolling my eyes, I suppressed a groan. “You really know how to flatter a stallion, comparing him to his little sister.” I moved back and went to take my own seat, the allure of hay-bacon now too strong to resist. “I’ll have you know I’m nothing like my sister.”
“Hey!” Cadance chirped. “I’m pregnant. You can’t argue with me. It’s in the rules.”
“Pffft. Whose rules?”
“Auntie Celestia’s.” She chomped down on some cheesy hay-bacon fries.
“Like she’d know anything about being pregnant.” I started to take a drink of orange juice when I caught a little knowing smile from across the table. “Right?” No response. “Right?!”
Cadance busied herself with a giant portion of pancakes, sprinkled with hay-bacon. “Hey… why is there hay-bacon inside the pancakes?”
She was dodging the question, but, well, don’t argue with pregnant mares. “Because hay-bacon makes everything taste better.”
“You know—” She munched on a particularly fluffy piece, a smile trying to cross her face as she chewed. “—I think that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
“Hey!” I groused.
“Bacon!” she cried, magically flinging a large piece of hay-bacon into my mouth.
I chewed, swallowed, and then burst into laughter. A moment later, Cadance joined me and it turned into an all-out food fight.
After leaving a thoroughly destroyed kitchen to quite a distressed maidmare, we trotted out into the throne room, snuggled side by side.
“So, what’s on the agenda today?” I waved at a guard, and he went off to fetch the morning mail.
“A few things,” Cadance groaned as she sat gently onto a cushion. The throne remained empty as I settled down next to her. “I’m attending the opening of the new magic school in a bit, then a few other errands…”
“Hmm…” I tapped my hoof. “I don’t think there’s anything immediate for me to deal with. I’ll come along if you’d like.”
Cadance smiled, nuzzling against my side. “Of course…”
There was a long moment of silence before I looked over at her. “Honey?”
Her eyes looked out into the empty hall, widened to an insane degree. “It’s here.”
I blinked. “The mail?”
She stomped a hoof, then hunched over in pain. “The baby!”
“What!? But… but the doctor sa—”
“Would you like me to ask the baby to reschedule? It doesn’t work that way!”
Jumping up, I screamed for the guards. “Get doctor Morning Bloom. It’s time, dammit!” I turned and looked at Cadance, at the mother of my child, and felt something settle inside me. “What can I do? Anything? Everything? Just tell me.”
Cadance managed a smile between painful grimances. “You can go to the school’s opening.”
“Are you— are you serious? I can’t miss this!” I moved up close, supporting her and wrapping my hoof gently around her.
“But think of the children, Shiny.” She closed her eyes in pain.
“I am.” I gently rubbed her belly. “But if it means that much, I’ll go.” Then I gave her a playful kiss on the cheek. “Just don’t have the baby before I get back, alright?”
“Sure, I’ll just do that.” A little irritation crept into her voice, but her smile told me everything else. “There’s a pegasus waiting outside with my list of things to do today. Just—” She cringed, her whole body shuddering. “—just take care of what’s important, then bring me all the chocolate you can find.”
“Chocolate?” I started, but then saw her stare. “Right, not arguing, just going.”
“And be nice to Blue.”
“Who?”
“Good morning, Princess!”
That was the first thing Private Flash had said when I hopped into the chariot he was pulling. He hadn’t even looked back, and had been standing at perfect attention.
“Can it, Private, and give me that list.” I actually saw a feather or two pop off his wings as he nearly cracked his neck looking back at me.
“Y-Y-Your Highness, I was e-expecting the—”
“I know, Private.” I held out a hoof and he passed me a piece of pink paper. “Let’s get a move on.”
He didn’t need telling twice, flapping his wings and taking off towards the south side of the city. While I had the chance, I looked over the list carefully. Attend the school’s opening, spend quality time at the spa, go shopping for an inspiration dress… There were a few others, but only a few stood out as actually important.
Within minutes, we arrived at the Crystalline School for Gifted Unicorns, little colts and fillies already gathered outside as they waited for Cadance.
“Uuugh.” There’d be no helping it. This wasn’t going to be fun.
The landing was near perfect, I’ll give him that much. As the chariot landed, and I came into view, the smiles on all the foals’ faces faltered.
I took a deep breath, put on my best smile, and then stepped out to meet them. “Good morning, everypony!’
A cheery mare of crystalline red and yellow stepped up to meet me. “Greetings, Your Majesty.” She tilted her head slightly, looking behind me. “I sincerely apologize for my confusion, but I was, well, under the impression that Princess Cadance would be attending today.”
I nodded. “Of course, I’m sorry that—”
“Where’s the princess?!” A little magenta filly with a curly mane stepped up.
“Yeah! You’re not the pretty princess.” Another filly moved to join the first.
“You’re not even pretty.”
“Or pink!”
This went on for a bit longer before the teacher took charge once more. “That’s quite enough, children. His Majesty has blessed us with his presence, and we must not be rude in the face of such a gift.”
Most of the children nodded begrudgingly, but one still poked me with a hoof. “What happened to Princess Cadance? Is she alright?”
“Your Majesty!” I turned at the call, Private Flash Sentry standing at attention. “There’s an urgent report for you!’
“Is it about Princess Cadance?” My heart skipped a beat.
“No, it’s—”
“Then don’t interrupt me, Private.”
I turned back, kneeling down to meet the filly at eye-level. “She’s not feeling well right now, so I’m here to make sure you all know how much we care about our little fillies and colts.”
The questions started again.
“Is she sick?
“What happened?
“Was it something she ate?”
I did my best not to scowl at that last comment. “Children, listen. Come close and I’ll tell you a secret.” Slowly, but surely, they all crept close, even the teacher bending her ear towards me. “Princess Cadance is performing a very special miracle, one that makes her very tired and sleepy. So—” I looked around at all their wide eyes. “—I need all of you to keep her in your thoughts, and I’m sure she’ll come visit you when it’s all over.”
There were murmurs of excitement and puzzlement, but they seemed to accept that.
The teacher tapped my withers, and I turned to face her, a knowing smile on her face. “She’s a little early, isn’t she?”
I nodded, a little frown forming on my face. “Yeah, by about a month.” Then I smiled. “But we have the best doctor in the Crystal Empire; everything will work out.”
Back in the air, and a check across the first box.
“Alright, Private. Report, and sir will do for now.”
“Your Ma—” He stopped. “Sir, there’s been sightings of possible changeling activity in the city.” I said nothing, so he continued, “Mismatching stories, sightings of doubles, and the general emotional depression of several citizens.”
“Just what I bucking need.”
“Sir?”
“Next item on the list, Private.” I started to pull the list up. “After that, we’ll head to the library to deal with the infestation.”
“Yes, Sir. To the spa, then?”
My eyes fell back on Cadance’s to-do list. “No, Private. If anything, I’ll take her to the spa when she’s feeling better. For now, we’re going shopping.”
We set down near one of the more refined Crystal Empire stores, and I hopped down at once. With a glance backward, I spotted something in the distance and smirked. “Come on, Private. I’m gonna need some help.”
“Sir, with shopping, sir?”
“No.” A grin spread across my face. “I need a model.”
Twenty minutes later, and I had Flash Sentry turning every shade of red imaginable. From floral to jewel-studded to everything in between, I’d ordered him to strut around so I could best decide.
“Sir, is this really necessary?” The particular red and pink gown he currently wore fluttered as his wings twitched and spasmed.
I sat a little straighter on the cushion I’d been watching from. “Did you know, Private—” A scowl slowly cross my lips. “—that my wife requested you specifically?”
“No-no, Sir, I mean, yes, Sir, I mean—” He hung his head. “Are you going to have me discharged, sir?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I stepped up and smacked him on his back. “No, Private, I’m not. I’m just letting you know that this is the closest you’ll ever be to getting under Princess Cadance’s dress.” I pressed my muzzle against his. “And you'll be happy to know that they've added defenestration to the list of punishments for military tribunals.”
He gulped, then gulped again before nodding.
I peered over his shoulder, and saw a green mare sitting in the corner of the store. She’d been glaring at me ever since she’d entered, and the moment she saw me staring, she looked away.
“I’ll be right back.” I trotted to the side, moving along the wall to come up beside the glaring mare. Then, in a single movement, I stepped right in front of her. Her eyes widened, pupils becoming pinpricks as I bent my head closer, then closer still.
Chomp.
I bit down on her nose and she shrieked. Instantly, green flame sizzled around her to reveal black chitin. The long, jagged horn stretched past mine, a confused, but angry glare permeating the mare’s eyes.
“Hello, Chrysalis.”
“Ho-how did you know?” She shrank back, not immediately resorting to the typical reactions I’d have expected.
“You reek of failure. Failure and hatred.”
“There’s no way—” She picked up a foreleg and gave it a sniff. “No, that’s ridiculous.”
“And I saw you following us after we left the school.” She scowled at me, seeming to wait for something.
“Now what?” she barked. “Aren’t you going to cast your huge, anti-changeling bubble?”
A grin broke out upon my face. “No, ‘cause, you see, Flash over there is a pretty bad model.”
“What?”
“Change into Cadance.” I grabbed the next dress from the pile we’d been working through.
“Do I look like I take requests?” She snarled at me, as intimidating as an angry pet cricket.
“Do you want to go blasting off again?” My horn crackled briefly with magenta magic, punctuating my point for me.
“Fine.”
And so we got a fashion show. Private Flash Sentry sat next to me, now back in his royal armor as we watched the Deceptive Cadance on display. All the dresses looked great on her, and it both annoyed and thrilled me. Chrysalis, for everything bad I could say about her, took to the task with more enthusiasm than I would have expected.
“How about this one, Shiny?” She winked and spun in a lovely violet dress, etched with blue sapphires that twinkled in the light.
“Don’t call me that,” I said, not for the first time. “And I think that one will do just fine. Take it off.”
“Oh, you’re a dirty stallion, aren’t you?” She twirled her tail.
I facehooved. “You are the worst flirt. How did you even become queen?
Not-Cadance hissed at me, sticking out her bottom lip. “Seniority.” When I didn’t seem to get it, she elaborated in a tired tone. “I had the most children over the longest point in history. Eventually, the title fell to me as the oldest member of the oldest family.”
“That’s… a lot less interesting than I thought it would be.”
She tossed the dress at me. “Not everything is a thrilling journey of friendship and epic battles, Shining Armor.”
I huffed, turning to the clerk pony who didn’t seem fazed at all. “This’ll do, then. Can you wrap it for me?”
“Absolutely, Your Majesty. I’ll just send the bill to the castle.”
“That’d be great.” I turned around and saw that Private Flash Sentry was waiting for me at the position of attention. “What is it?”
“She’s escaped, sir!”
“What?! Why didn’t you tell me?” I stomped a hoof.
“You told me not to interrupt, Sir!”
Groaning, I took the wrapped dress and stepped outside, the private right behind me.
“Ahh, the Royal Library.” I breathed in the papery smell of thousand-year-old books. “We’ve had some good times in here, you know, Private.”
“Uhh, yes Sir.” The stallion had posted himself at the entrance. “Um, Sir, shouldn’t we alert the city to the presence of changelings?”
“That’d be the normal protocol, yes, Private.” I nodded as I found a place to sit. “But the one thing I’ve learned from the last invasion is that panic will do nopony any good.” I gestured him over with a hoof. “I especially don’t want Cadance worrying about it.” I coughed. “So, I want you to go get my armor while I plan the next step.”
“Yes, Sir.”
As he left, I searched out for a particular book with my magic. Searching by title would probably have taken a while, so I was happy to be searching for a particular author instead. Heaving the heavy book onto the table, I smiled as my hoof brushed across the cover. Just as I opened it, Flash returned with my royal armor, his breath slightly ragged.
“Thank you, Private. Bring it here, I’ll just be a moment.”
He did as he was told, setting the pieces of armor on the table beside me. Craning his neck, he peered at the tiny text of the giant pages I was scouring. “What kind of pony tries to cram that much onto a page?” I chuckled, lifting one side so he could see the cover. “Twilight Sparkle’s Super-Secret Scenario Formulas?”
“Indeed.” I put the book back down. “My sister put anything and everything into this monstrosity, and, if I can find it, the answer will be in here.”
“That’s insane…” The private took a step back. “How does one mare do all that?”
“You best get used to crazy if you ever want a chance with her, Flash.”
“Sir?” He took another step back.
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, Private.” I eyed him closely. “My sister doesn’t date prissy little pegasi, so you best grow a pair.”
I continued to pour over the volume when there was a flicker, then a flash, then dark. I looked up, glaring into the blackness. “You mind?”
The lights came back on.
“Thank you.”
Then I saw two Private Flash Sentry’s before me.
“Oh, that’s real fucking cute.” I hate this game.
I looked from one to the other. “I’m tempted to just have you both tossed into the frozen north…” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I pushed out with one hoof. “But then I’d probably regret it later.” I looked down at Twilight’s ridiculous guide to everything. “Luckily, this has the answer.”
I levitated down a priceless tome, written by the second Mage Meadowbrook herself. Setting in between them, I conjured a simple flame, promptly lighting the book on fire. Both of them stared at me, a mixture of horror and curiosity between them. The smell of sizzling pages and burning knowledge filled the air as I waited.
“Three… two… one…”
There was a pop, then an angry purple princess was stomping out the fire with her hooves. “Ow, ow ow ow ow.” Twilight picked up the book, tears already filling her eyes as she turned to me. “Why?!”
I gestured to the predicament before me. “Little help, Sis?” Twilight blinked, then glared, pointing her hoof at the Flash on the right. “You sure?” I asked, looking over them both.
She nodded. “She smells of failure. Failure and bad acting.” Then she turned back to me and scowled. “And don’t think you’ll get away with this one, BBBFF.” Twilight sniffed. “This is going to require some serious magical surgery. She hugged the book close, shooting me a glare before teleporting out with another pop.
“That mare needs to get out a little.”
“Which one of you said that?” I asked, standing up from the table. They turned and pointed at each other with a hoof. “I’ll deal with you later,” I told Flash. Then I slammed my hoof into who I assumed was Chrysalis.
She was thrown back, a girlish cry of pain escaping the Not-Flash. Donning my helm, I released a war cry, then jumped after her.
I punched. I bucked. I slammed Flash Sentry’s head into a wall.
“You know—” I rammed his head through a window. “—this is rather therapeutic.”
The real Flash Sentry watched in stunned silence as I shoved Law, then Order, into the changeling’s stomach. Spittle spilled from her mouth as all of her breath escaped her. In a slimy way that only a changeling could, she slipped from my hooves, heading towards the stairs that led to the library’s attic.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up and brushed myself off. “Listen, Flash.” He stepped closer, standing at attention as he awaited my command. “If I don’t make it, I want you to promise me something.”
“Yes, Sir?”
“I want you—” I bent closer. “—to bang my sister.”
He fell over. “What?” He blinked, then blinked again. “What!?’
“You heard me!” I bellowed at him. “That mare needs to loosen up! Seriously!” I poked him against his chest armor. “If Twilight never relaxes, she’ll never have any foals. And if that never happens…” I suppressed a shudder. “...then mother will never leave me alone.”
“Sir?”
“Listen, Sergeant Flash Sentry!” He snapped straight, eyes wide at my proclamation. “A strong leader always attends to their privates.” I got close, spit raining against him. “So you will get in there, and you will check out the book that is Twilight Sparkle! Do I make myself clear?!”
“Sir, yes Sir!
“Good…” I turned and walked away. “Now I’ve got a bug problem to attend to.”
I kicked down the door to the attic, Chrysalis waiting for me on the far side of the room.
“So what was the plan, Bug-butt? Were you going to try to replace me this time? Or maybe try to steal the Crystal Heart?”
She winced. “You expect me to monologue or something? Give away my plans to you, just like that?”
“What?” I actually laughed. “I thought all villains did that. Even Sombra was like ‘crystals’ all the time.” I couldn’t suppress a shiver. “Freaking creepy, too!”
“Well, if you must know…” she started, but then her horn flashed green, magic lancing towards me. “You fool! Coming up here, all alone. Now you will be mine! All mine!” Then she laughed evilly, you know, that long, drawn out cackle they do when they think they’ve won.
Then I yawned as her magic glowed around my vision. After a moment, I cocked my head. “You done yet?”
“You-you’re now my slave! Obey me!” she shouted. I rolled my eyes and took a step forward, an evil grin on my face. “What? No! How could you possibly resist?!”
I tilted the tip of my helm off, revealing a large quantity of tinfoil lacing the insides. “Your black magic has no power here.”
“Tinfoil! That’s… that’s…”
I turned and bucked her in the face.
“Payback!”
She fell back, landing raggedly near the window that looked out towards the midday sun. I reached down, grabbing her with a hoof. As she looked up, a sly smile crept onto her face. Green flames licked at her as her coat changed once again to show the beautiful color of my beloved Cadance.
“You wouldn’t hit your dear wife, now would you, Shiny?”
I laughed. Couldn’t help it. “You just made this so much easier.” I picked her up, aiming her out the window. “I’ve had some practice at this particular trick.”
“Nooooooo!”
Then I threw her into the sun. “Hasta la vista, buggy.”
The delivery room was packed with ponies, doctors, and nurses fussing about as I stepped inside. Cadance lay exhausted in bed, her hooves wrapped around a little pink bundle of miracles.
She looked towards me, smiling weakly. “Congratulations, Shiny. You’re the father of a beautiful baby girl.”
A huge grin broke upon my face, my hooves already reaching out to take hold of my daughter. An adorable tuft of pink mane fell across the most delicate horn.
“She’s beautiful, Cadance.” Then part of the blanket moved as her wings twitched. “And an alicorn, wow.”
Then the little filly opened her eyes, looking at me. Her nose wiggled. Adorable. A little giggle escaped her mouth as I grinned down at her. Then she sniffed. Once. Twice. Then she sneezed, and the wall beside me exploded.
“The excitement never ends, does it, Shiny?”
I hugged my daughter close. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Author's Note
If you made it this far, congratulations, now get yourself checked for the brain damage I might have inflicted 
This was written in two hours or so as a little story that I needed to write while it was in my head. I know it's silly. I know it's ridiculous. I just hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Once again, thank you for any and all comments and critiques. Shout out goes to my editor, who isn't feeling the best right now and who I hope gets to feeling better.
With love and dedication, Dreams of Ponies 
