Strange Victory

by Harmlesskitten13

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Violence
Length: 3883

Alternative End(s) to Various Chapters of "The 4000 Year Old Virgin"

So what would have happened if various chapters of The 4000 Year Old Virgin had gone differently? Well, crack 'er open and find out!

(Note: This should not be considered canon to "The 4000 Year Old Virgin." Unless you want it to. Then you go right ahead and think that.)

Cover art done by Yewdee

Published 2018-03-12 02:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-20 07:19:16 UTC

Chapter 7.1

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

THERE WILL BE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF VIOLENCE AND GORE! IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY SUCH DESCRIPTIONS, PLEASE SKIP THESE ALTERNATIVE CHAPTERS!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

It is widely known that in changeling culture, stealth trumps all. It's better to remain in the shadows, and pull the strings, than to engage in open combat. But when a disguise fails, changelings will inevitably resort to self-preservation. Conventional thinking might lead one to believe that these skittish creatures choose flight over fight, and that they would be all but useless in a battle. This couldn't be further from the truth, as the average drone can prove to be extremely dangerous, particularly in close quarters combat. There are numerous examples of anecdotal evidence where a spear or arrow has bounced harmlessly off a changeling's tough exoskeleton, and while the average drone's magical capabilities may be lacking when compared to a trained unicorn, they make up for this deficiency with their brutal 'rip-and-tear' fighting style: utilizing their jagged horns and naturally sharp teeth, unarmored ponies rarely stand a chance if they allow their opponent to get within striking distance. And, as witnessed in the Invasion of Canterlot, these abilities are unsurprisingly magnified in Queens. - The Rise of the Changeling Queendom, Vol. IV by Works Cited

_________________________

They glared at each other from across the field. Silently, Twilight sized up her opponent. Chrysalis looked fearsome in her armor, with the changeling apparently deciding to go all out for this battle. But outside of that, she seemed to be acting...different. Off. The arrogance was there, as always, but there was something else. She couldn't put her hoof on it, and it made her nervous. Okay, Sparkle, you can do this. No tricks this time. She hasn't put anyone under some spell, she's not pretending to be someone else, and she's not striking from the shadows. She's out in the open, and there's nothing she can do to surprise you. she thought, hyping herself up for the inevitable violence. Still, there's no reason that I can't at least TRY to end this peacefully. Inhaling a deep breath, she shouted as loudly and forcefully as she could. "QUEEN CHRYSALIS! THERE IS NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY, AND YOU WILL BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL FOR YOUR CRIMES!" The changeling squinted at Twilight.

Wait, what is she doing? I thought the whole point of this date was SPECIFICALLY to fight! Or...wait. She must be flirting! Okay. I gotcha. Giving a cocky smirk, she shouted back. "OH, THE TIME FOR PEACE IS LONG PAST, PRINCESS! ONLY ONE OF US IS WALKING AWAY FROM THIS, AND IT WON'T BE YOU!" she yelled back. Twilight furrowed her brow at the remark. Ooo! I must have done it right, because she looks ready to go!

The alicorn lowered her head, pawing the ground with a snort. Okay. Okayokayokay. She may have armor, but she's not invincible. And you're the Element of Magic. You've got this! she thought, charging her horn. The changeling mirrored the position.

Alright. Okay. Oooooookay. You can do this. Just don't think. Let nature do its thing, and you'll have a head on your wall in no time. Just don't. Be. Nervous. Chrysalis thought, charging her horn as well.

Neither royal moved, staring at each other from across the field while silently daring the other to make the first attack. Then, seemingly out of impatience rather than an intended move, Chrysalis charged, letting out a guttural cry. She covered the ground between the two quickly, and let out a short blast from her horn a few body lengths from the Princess. Twilight winced and quickly put up a shield, and the bolt of energy bounced harmlessly off. The Queen kept charging, and to the alicorn's shock, saw the changeling's horn pierce through the arcane shield. It was like a knife through cloth, and the defensive spell dissipated as quickly as it had been created. Following through with her momentum, Chrysalis crashed into the pony, goring Twilight through the skull. The two creatures fell to the ground with a groan. The alicorn laid still and lifeless as the changeling stood up, shaking her head.

"Woo! That was a doozy of a hit, Princess! Jeez...no one wins in a headbutt, huh?" she said, rubbing her horn. Bringing her hoof down, she found it slimy...and with some chunks on it? She sniffed it. Huh. Smelled like blood and...brains? She licked it. Yup. Definitely brains. Why would there be brains on-

"OH CRAP!" she shouted, rushing over to check the still-dead pony. She stood over her former antagonist. The once-proud alicorn laid on her back, a pool of blood forming around the head. Chrysalis gave the cadaver a nudge. "H-hey. You, uh, you okay?" No response. "Um...rub some dirt on it and walk it off?" she offered. Still no response. Walking around, she looked at Twilight's head. Just below the horn was a jagged, visceral hole. Bits of bone and brain matter surrounded the fatal wound, and small spurts of blood occasionally left where the arteries had been so horrifically torn open. The Queen winced at the sight, and she could feel her stomach convulsing in an attempt to expel its contents. Turning around, she wretched for a moment, before composing herself.

"OKAY. OOOOOOKAY. I can fix this...right? I mean, getting stabbed through the head, that doesn't kill alicorns, right?!" Turning back around to view the scene, she winced again. "Okay. Maybe it does." she said with a sigh. She was about to fly off when there was a flash.

"So! How did the battl-OH BY PRAEDO'S MAGNIFICENT BEARD, WHAT DID YOU DO?!" the Queen of Queens shrieked upon viewing the carnage. Chrysalis gave a sheepish grin.

"I may have...kinda...sorta...stabbedthePrincessthroughthehead. Accidentally. But we can fix this, right?" she answered in an optimistic voice.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THAT STUPID?! NO! YOU CAN'T FIX A PUNCTURED SKULL, YOU MORON!" Dominatus screamed. "WHAT ON THE GOOD GREEN EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU THINK WE COULD FIX THIS?!" Chrysalis stuttered and stammered in place.

"W-well, I just kinda figured that if they could bring Discord ba-"

"DISCORD WAS ENCASED IN STONE FOR CENTURIES! NOT STABBED THROUGH THE SKULL!" the Queen of Queens interrupted. She looked at the corpse, whose lavender color was slowly becoming lighter and lighter as the blood continued to pour out of the wound. Twilight's eyes, open and piercing, stared into the sky. Momentarily forgetting the nigh-infinite strength she possessed from the helmet, Chrysalis attempted to gently close her opponent's eyelids, only to cave in the face. The sounds of blood squirting and bone crunching was all that could be heard. She jumped back in surprise, giving her mother a nervous smile as she wiped her hoof on the ground. Dominatus let out a frustrated sigh. "You do understand that you can't mate with her now, right? Now you have to go for Celestia or Luna, you understand this, yes?"

"Aw, c'mon! They're weird! And...I mean, if I was going to decapitate Sparkle anyway..." Dominatus took on a disgusted look.

"You're not seriously suggesting necrophilia, are you?" Chrysalis hemmed and hawed for a moment, refusing to look at her mother.

"It's just that...can the eggs really tell if the body they're injected into is alive or dead? Especially if I was going to kill her a few seconds later anyway?"

Shaking her head, her mother brought a hoof to the bridge of her snout. "You know what? If you're the future, then the species deserves to die. Better through natural extinction than whatever the heck you would have done! Give me- gimme the helmet. NOW." she scolded, removing Chrysalis' headware. "We're done. Forever. It's over. Goodbye!" And with a flash, the Queen of Queens was gone, for good.

Chrysalis never heard from her mother again, and died three days later choking on a chicken bone.

Author's Note

So! Did I hype it up too much? I feel like I hyped it up too much. But maybe not! Maybe you enjoyed it! If you did, tell me, because I'm tempted to turn this into an anthology of 'What if?' scenarios from throughout the story. I've got plenty of little odds and ends knocking around in my noggin, and if you folks enjoyed this little slice of...well, I hesitate to call it 'life,' but you get what I mean. Anyway, if you'd like to see more, let me know! If you hated it, feel free to compare me to some sort of infectious disease or horrific ailment! Really, be creative with it!

Finally, thanks for reading!

Chapter 8.1

The ability to reproduce only exists within the Queens of the changeling species. Further, only Queens of Queens can create Lesser Queens, or future Queens of Queens (also known as Greater Queens). There appears to be no discernible pattern as to whether a clutch of eggs will contain a Lesser Queen, Greater Queen, or simply drones. Therefore, most Queens of Queens may lay scores of clutches of eggs, with each clutch containing anywhere between four to five hundred sesame seed-sized eggs, into multiple mates over their exceedingly long life time. The eggs' thin outer membranes will slowly harden over the course of nine to ten months, absorbing both the Queen's previously injected miasma as well as the host body's tissue around them. As the tissue decays, the eggs will eventually rupture the host body, and be placed into nests to fully mature. Only once they have hatched will a Queen of Queens know if she has laid an heir, Lesser Queen, or only drones. Lesser Queens are usually determined by their unique discolorations, which grow brighter over time. Greater Queens are considerably easier to determine, as once hatched, they will seek out and destroy the other larva in an effort to remove any possible competition for future nourishment. Fortunately, a Queen of Queens can only lay one heir in her lifetime, so the probability of future larva being destroyed by their own is extremely low, thus ensuring the survival of the species. - Changelings: Their Physiology and Evolution by Works Cited

Omicron-4207 huffed as he replaced yet another box to the shelves that seemed to stretch into the ether. He wasn't sure how 'Preferred Mane/Tail-Care Products, Prince Blueblood, Vol. 006 of 009' would be of any help to the hive, but it wasn't his place to question the Queen of Queens' judgment. Heaving a sigh, he stared longingly at a small stool in the corner of the cavernous room. Another hour and a half, and his shift would be over. In the meantime, however, he could at least rest on the little three-legged seat. Just as he sat down, the tiny ring of a bell broke the silence. Internalizing a groan, Omicron stood back up, and trudged over to a small window where a request form had been filled out.

"Dragon Lord Torch's Digestion History, Vols. 00081 to 00093." he muttered aloud. Taking to the air, he quickly found the correct aisle, magically retrieved the volumes, and flew back with the boxes in tow. After depositing his load on a large dumbwaiter, he turned around to notice a few scraps of paper on the floor below him. "And of course some sheets fell out. Probably Sigma-5565's sloppy reshelving habits. Again." Frowning, he flew down to pick them up. They were old and yellowed, far more yellow than most parchment he dealt with. There was a splatter of blood staining the pages, and they were burnt around the edges. It appeared to be written in the old language. Mostly forgotten to all but royalty, Omicron had managed to pick some up over his time in the archives. Sure, Delta-9201 was far more fluent in it, but only a Queen would know for certain what it said. "...Physical? Maybe...Report...Queen...Queens..." The changeling read the title as best he could to himself. Pursing his lips, he squinted at the top, hoping to make out anything else, but to no avail. He let out a huff, and brought the parchment back to his little stool. He held them closer, and continued his attempted translation, looking for any other words he could recognize. The only two that seemed to stand out to him were at the end of the third page - 'conclusion' and 'drone.' Shaking his head in frustration, he placed the sheets on the dumbwaiter, and attached a note: 'Delta-9201 - I found these, and am unsure of where to place them. Assistance required.'

A flash later, and Twilight found herself in what appeared to be a cavern, brightly lit by what was apparently a type of bioluminescent fungus. As Dominatus carried the Princess in her magic, she took in her surroundings: a large atrium-like room, with what looked like murals on the ceiling. Hallways that split into other hallways. Entrances with strange, unknown letters and words above them. Finally, the three royals stopped at a nondescript door. Opening it, they entered the room, and the eldest sat the alicorn on the bed. As soon as she released her telekinetic grip, Twilight bolted for the door, only to be caught in a magical field. Dominatus let out an airy laugh.

"It's always adorable when they run." She placed the alicorn back on the bed, this time encasing her feet in the same green crystal that encased her horn and mouth. Chrysalis walked in behind her mother, and sat at her desk. The Queen of Queens turned around, and stopped in the doorway. Craning her neck to face her daughter, she winked. "Have fun you two!" she cooed. She closed the door with a smirk, only to be intercepted by her assistant. "Yes, Alpha-6820, what do you- my goodness, dear! What's wrong?!" she asked, taken aback by her assistant's demeanor. The normally stoic and businesslike drone was practically hyperventilating, and trembling in fear.

"M-my Queen of Queens! Is...is it true?!" he practically demanded, shaking three sheets of yellowed parchment in front of Dominatus. Retrieving the items from her assistant, she stared at them. The first was full of old Changeling script, with translated notes on the side, in what appeared to be her head archivist's writing. The translations were mostly correct, surprisingly. A few syntax errors here, a slight mistake there. But they got the point across, which was disturbing. Worse, behind the text-covered sheet were two more sheets of the same size. They had obviously been ripped out of an old tome of some kind, and portrayed two halves of one charcoal sketch. There were scorch marks bordering the pages, as if something had intentionally attempted to burn them, and blood splatter covering various words and details. At the bottom was a particularly disturbing note from the original author.

"Alpha...Alpha-6820...I'm not sure if this is true, but it certainly appears so. There is only one way to know for sure, though." she said with a shaky voice. Turning around to face the door to her daughter's room, she took a heady breath. She loudly knocked on the door...to no answer. Refusing to wait any longer, she turned around, and bucked it in.

"MOM! What are you doing?!" came an extremely startled, and also supremely annoyed, voice.

"Are you sure you should call me that?" she asked acidly, "Because there's a good chance you should be bowing and calling me 'My Queen of Queens!'" she shouted. Chrysalis shook her head in amazement.

"What are you even talking about?!" she begged, a twitch forming in her eye, "Can't you see I'm a little busy at the moment?! Do you even want an heir?!"

"I do, but perhaps I was right! Perhaps you are ACTUALLY incapable of mating, and not just because you're a loser!" she muttered. "What is this?!" Dominatus shrieked, shoving the parchment in the other royal's face. Chrysalis scoffed as she snatched the pages out of her mother's magical grip. She slowly read the title, and took on a confused expression. Reading further, her eyes slowly widened, and the Queen began to tremble.

"Um." she gulped. "Where, um, where did you find this?" she asked.

"One of my archivist drones found it buried deep within an incorrect box. So answer me this...is it true?"

Suddenly Chrysalis found the wall to her right extraordinarily interesting.

"IS IT TRUE?! ANSWER ME, WHELP!"

The young royal sputtered as she struggled to answer. "Oka-I-so-look, Mom, this was clearly a defective drone's diagnosis! Probably a hatchet job from a jealous Queen who wanted to make me look bad! That's why I chopped the drone who wrote this into little-" the younger Queen began to respond, until she was quickly encased in bright red, crackling magic.

"So THIS is why you never went to the royal physician! Well! We're going to him now, to determine this once and for all!"

Hours later, Dominatus sat nervously in her tea room, sipping at a cup of bitterroot tea. One of her hind legs bounced, and she tried to keep her mind occupied with the daily paperwork. Signing off on a request without even reading it, she jumped as the doors burst open. A drone, Epsilon-3619, rushed towards the royal before stopping to give a terse bow.

"My Queen of Queens! I apologize for taking so long, but I wished to be thorough with such a delicate matter." the drone stated, pulling a stack of papers out of his messenger bag.

"You made the correct choice, Epsilon-3619. Please tell me you have good news." The drone sheepishly looked away.

"I...I wish I could, my Queen of Queens. However, I believe your original hypothesis about your daughter was right: she is not your heir." he replied, rifling through his results.

"Ah." Dominatus quietly replied. "Then we must discover the actual Queen of Queens from my daughters as soon as possible, so I may begin grooming her for the future."

"That's just the thing, my Queen of Queens. I believe your heir...no longer exists." The royal spat out her tea at the remark.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!" she demanded. The drone hid behind his papers.

"Well, according to our medical records, you no longer contain any additional 'Queen eggs,' and if the files that Intelligence found are correct, and the tests we ran on Chrysalis are correct, then...we believe she may have...eaten...your heir." he squeaked out.

"Excuse me, did you say 'eaten?' As in the past form of 'eat?' As in consume?" Dominatus asked, her chest tightening and her breathing becoming ragged. The drone nodded. "HOW."

"Well, it took some digging, but my assistant did find an example where a particularly treacherous drone once murdered and killed a Queen in a coup. Then, for reasons only known to him, he consumed her flesh. However, due to a Queen's unique physiology, the hormones within her gave him a tumor on his pituitary gland. The end result was an acute case of acromegaly." he replied, adjusting his glasses at the end.

"Acromegaly?"

"Yes. It's an accelerated and somewhat unchecked growth of the body, especially in the limbs." the drone explained.

"Epsilon-3619, are you telling me that Chrysalis..."

"...ate your heir, most likely as a grub, and has spent her life appearing to be a Queen due to her resulting large stature? It...it appears so." the drone answered, unable to look his ruler in the face.

"I...see." Taking a deep breath, Dominatus dismissed the physician. She stared at the table, then slowly and carefully collected the papers in front of her into a nice, neat stack. "ALPHA-6820!" she screamed. Within moments the drone appeared. "I believe...I believe I would like to see the Gotterdammerung Protocol scroll." The drone nodded, and moved to fulfill the request when he stopped.

"My Queen of Queens...did I hear you correctly?" Dominatus nodded. With that, Alpha-6820 uncomfortably flew away.

An hour later Queen of Queens Dominatus returned alone to her former daughter's room. Taking a calming breath, she turned the corner to see a drone standing guard at the door. It made her smile. "Well," she started, "it's good to see that some drones know their place and what to do. Thank you, Theta-2878, I will take it from here." The drone nodded, and marched away. Opening the door, she found the pony Princess exactly where she had left her. Placing as large and disarming a grin on her face as possible, she closed the door behind her. "So. This is...embarrassing." Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion. "But as alarmingly humiliating as this is, far be it from the last Queen of Queens to not recognize her mistakes, nor try to make up for them. So to that end..." And with a magical blast, the crystal encasing the Princess's legs and mouth shattered, leaving only the binding on her horn.

"Ack! Ptoo!" she spat out. "Ugh. So...did you finally come to your senses, and decide to surrender yourself and Queen Chrysalis to Equestrian law?" Dominatus chuckled.

"Oh, good heavens no. For starters, Chrysalis is no longer a Queen. Not that she ever was. And she is no longer your problem. Nor mine. Nor anyone else's for that matter." the Queen of Queens answered bitterly. "But, here's my offer of recompense: I will recall my many spies and sleeper agents from Ponyville, as well as wipe your memory of this whole sordid affair. In return, you won't have to worry about us ever taking over your little town, and the injustices you suffered will never resurface to ail you. How does that sound?"

"How do you know how to wipe memories? And what was that about sleeper agents?"

Dominatus clicked her tongue. "That sounds like a 'yes' to me! One Class A Memory Wipe coming up!"

"'Class A?'" Twilight asked. "That sounds kind of dangero-" There was an abrupt flash.

A purple pony groggily awoke in an unfamiliar bed. Shaking her head, she looked around her. A crystal bed, crystal windows, and crystal walls. She heard the clickety-clack of hooves on crystal floors get nearer and nearer, until the double doors to her room burst open. An peculiar mauve unicorn gasped, then heaved a sigh of relief.

"GIRLS! SHE'S IN HERE!" she shouted. "I knew I sensed a powerful teleportation spell! Oh my gosh I'm so glad you're alright!" the mare exclaimed, hugging a very confused alicorn. "What happened to you, Twilight? Where did you go?"

"...who's Twilight?"

Author's Note

Ya know, I wish I was clever enough to come up with this kind of twist. But I'm not. Fortunately, other people are! And that's an easy way to ~~steal ideas to make yourself look smarter than you really are~~ become inspired! Specifically, I saw a comment by Neece from Chapter 8:

"Bonus points if the Queen of Queens thing is a red herring and Chrysalis is a lesser queen. Or even better, a drone that ate every single other larva the clutch and got huge for that, and looks like a queen sure to genetic mutation :pinkiecrazy:"

And it inspired this sort-of chapter! Hopefully you fine folks enjoy this one a bit more than the last one. It was...controversial. If you didn't, sorry. Maybe third time will be the charm, eh? If you did enjoy it, let me know!