A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Rating: mature
Tags: Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Anthro, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Adventure, Maud Pie, Violence, Princess Celestia
Length: 431245

Garrison 'Gauche-Suede' Varas is the best at what he does, and what he does is repossess and allocate certain capital. Whether he be lining his own pockets or giving to those in need, all Gauche knows is that Equis is ripe and ready for a good stroll

A/N: Be aware that this is more of a spiritual successor to Road To Redemption than a continuance of the original story. There's a whole new cast and a whole new world seen through the eyes of a whole new protagonist.

Jay's Story: My Brother's Keeper

Garrison Varas, otherwise known as 'Gauche', finds himself in the middle of an unfamiliar alley in an unfamiliar land with an unfamiliar person tripping him up. Life quickly goes from strange to scary in but a few days, and there seems to be little in the way of relief in the future. However, life in the harsh inner city of Capersport, Avalesce has tempered Gauche into a man prepared for just about any challenge.

Any challenge other than real, true blue Magic from a completely different world full of Daemons, Demi-Gods, and Daeva, that is.

A journey starts with but a single step, but when that first step is taken upon a Princess, what the Hell kind of journey is it going to be? Where is it going to lead? And who the Hael is pulling the strings?

Edited by AficionadoAvacado

Published 2018-03-11 19:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-10 18:56:27 UTC

Chapter One: New Places; New Faces

Chapter One: New Faces, New Places

I was slurking my way through yet another hellhole to get some eyes off of my back when I got blinded by a flash of light so bright, those little spots you get from staring at the Sun too long made their way into my eyes and I tripped over something that wasn’t exactly small. I was pretty sure at the time that it was just some bum without a regular roof to sleep under, but when I heard her cry out, her voice sounded far too… Clean, I guess, to be anything of the sort. At least in my experience most vagrants carried a kind of timre to their grunts. I got to my feet right after falling and tried to study the woman I’d fallen over, though for all I knew she could have just been a slightly large girl with a woman’s voice.

“Hey, are you alright? Didn’t mean to get you there.” I apologized, hoping she wasn’t going to be difficult about it.

“It’s okay.” She grunted, getting to her feet. I could barely see her past the spots, but she sounded like a real sweetheart. “Are you okay? That didn’t sound like a terrible fall, but sometimes they don’t sound all that bad.”

“Nah, I’m fine. I've taken harder spills.” I replied, looking around. We appeared to not be where I was previously and that was rather confusing seeing as how I’d gone from sneaking through a brick and mortar tenement to being in the middle of a fucking alley with cobblestone walls. “... Fuck.”

“Fuck? What does that mean?” The lady asked.

“Fuck? Fuck means that we’re in a dark alley at night and I’m pretty sure that we’re not going to be alone much longer.” I said, dropping my voice a little lower. I took a few steps toward her and offered her my hand, the spots in my eyes still blinding me a bit. “Come on. Let’s get out of here and into the open. Shit goes down in alleys and I doubt you can climb cobblestone.”

She took my hand and let me pull her up. “... Oh dear Heavens, where are we?” She murmured, looking around for herself.

I started pulling her towards a lighter end of the alley since the moon wasn’t putting off much light. “I wouldn’t worry about that as much as stayin’ alive right now, Miss. By the by, name’s Garrison. Most people call me Gauche though.”

“Gauche? You don’t seem to fit the bill.” She mused

“You haven’t known me long enough. Can I catch a name to match to a face when I can actually see clearly?”

“Oh, you mean me? I’m Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. I was wondering why you didn’t recognize me.” Twilight said, like it was actually supposed to make sense.

I scoffed. “If you want out go by pseudonyms, then call me Nightingale.”

“... That’s my real name?”

“Why does it sound like you’re asking me?”

“Well, I’m just not sure how to respond to that. I’ve never had anypony doubt my name before.”

I almost stopped to look at the lunatic before I decided to carry on. “Okay Twilight, it’s whatever.” I said softly, checking out corners. One lead to a dead end and the other to an open street. The good path was clear and I couldn’t feel anything wrong with the situation, but I still flexed my wrists so that my blades would pop out of my leather gauntlets. Daelus was handy with his little machinations, I’ll say that much. “We’re good. I’ll let go for now, but stay close. Got it?”

“Okay… So why are we being so sneaky?” She asked, following me out of the alley.

I turned to look at her, the spots finally having cleared from my eyes, but I couldn’t get a good look at her in the darkness. “Lover, what the fuck? Are you from the countryside or something? An alley at night is the worst place to be, and we need to not be here anymore.” I hustled out of the alley and onto the streets, but what I saw under the glow of the oil lamps was unlike anything I’d seen before. The shops and buildings of the town I found myself in were definitely nothing like those of Capersport, my prowling grounds for most of my adventures. I prayed to Furladra for safe passage in the new place and started scoping it out for any sights of people or anything of the sort. No one was out or about, so I was basically in the clear, so I turned to explain simple shit to a simple woman, but then I saw her face.

She was purple. She also had an amethyst in the middle of her forehead, just above her brow, but she was purple nonetheless. I doubted that she could see past my hood, but I wanted to keep it on the safe side. “... We’re being sneaky because not being sneaky might end with us getting non-alived. I like being regular alive.”

“So do I.” She giggled nervously. “... So you don’t know where we are?”

“... Really couldn’t say. Everything’s so… Well, it’s more... Greyish kinda rocky than red kinda rocky like where I’m from, I’ll say that much.” I commented, taking in the muted vibrance that the town put off outside of its seedy bits. The colours were there in spades, but it seemed like most of the paint adorning the shops and buildings had been mixed to be the colour that they were.

Twilight started wandering around so I followed her since I was pretty sure that she was going to get herself killed. “Gauche, do you happen to know anything about Magic?” She asked out of nowhere.

“Uh, I know it’s magical. It’s not like people can actually do Magic.”

“What makes you say that of all things?”

“... Magic’s real, isn’t it?” I sighed.

“I think you might have gotten caught up in a spell gone wrong, Gauche. I’m really sorry, but I’m pretty sure I can get you home as long as you live in Equestria.” She turned and gave me a heartwarming smile.

I gave her a look that went unseen because I was wearing a hood. “Yeah, no. Ever hear of Avalesce?”

“... Oh. No. Ever hear of Princess Celestia?”

“Nope.”

“... No offense, but I really hope we’re on my planet.” Twilight said nervously.

“If your planet gives you the luxury of not having to worry about catching a knife between the shoulder blades, then I hope we’re on your planet too. Kinda.” I grunted.

“Okay. Okay, I think we need to start forming a plan since we’re apparently stuck wherever we are. Let’s find a safe place to stay for the rest of the night and from whatever inn we manage to find, we’ll be able to start asking questions and figure out how to get ahold of some Dragon Fire.” Twilight clapped her right fist into her left hand.

“... Alright. So we’re finding an inn?” I asked.

She nodded curtly. “We are. I’m pretty sure I dragged you into this, whatever this is, so it’s my responsibility to see you home!”

I gave her a look that she couldn’t see. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. We’ll see what’s going on here and from there we’ll make our moves, Twilight.”

“You seem like you’ve been completely lost a time or two.” She commented with a smile.

“A time or two.” I repeated, chuckling a bit at the understatement. “Best bet to find an affordable inn is to start looking on the outskirts of town.”

Twilight frowned. “Yes, we can do that if you’d like to wake up itching and scratching in the morning. I assure you that I have enough bits to keep a nice roof over our heads for as long as it takes for Celestia to send me a leyline permit so I can teleport back home.”

“Didn’t you say you were a Princess? Don’t you have the authority for that?”

“... Shush. Fine. I can feel a leyline faintly, but it’s not exactly close and I don’t think traveling at night is the best idea. Can you spot anything that looks like an inn?”

I took another quick glance around. “No, but if you’ve got the dosh to back up a decent room for the night, I’m pretty sure we need to head in that direction.” I pointed to the end of the street where there seemed to be more light.

“Seems as good a place as any to start. I wonder if we’ve made it to Gryphonia or Germaneigh by accident.” Twilight mused.

“Neither of those are familiar either. Good thing no one’s waiting on me to come home.” I muttered to myself more so than to Twilight. More loudly, I said, “Could you get yourself back home if you knew where you were?”

Twilight gave me a sad look. “I heard what you said before that. If you want to talk about it-”

“I’m good, but thanks for the concern. It’s pretty touching to have a stranger reach out with genuine intent, so really, thanks. Back to brass tacks though; we gotta get a move on. I don’t like being exposed if I don’t have to be.” I gestured for her to follow me and stuck to the side of the road.

I heard her padding along, her shorter strides struggling to keep up with the naturally lengthy ones I’d picked up from casually outpacing tails. I didn’t really want to slow down for her, but I needed her to be able to run if we came into trouble. I didn’t know why protecting her seemed so important to me, but then again I could always blame it on a shred of chivalry and a certain sense of altruism if you will. Said chivalry wasn’t about to make me feel bad about letting her pay for our lodgings, should we be able to find some, but it did help incentivize me to at least see if we could send her home with little to no kerfuffle. I wasn’t really all that worried about where we ended up because why would I be? I’ve survived a week in Hell’s Lavatory with no back up, been on my own most of my adolescent and adult life, and there's always work for a good thief. One just has to know their clientele, and picking a mark is simplicity magnified and rolled together into a single coin. Hell, it’s not like I ever tended to stay in one place long anyway, so I went with the Double Fuck It approach and accepted the new path Fate was taking me on.

We traversed through the town at a decent clip, neither of us saying much until Twilight asked for a break. It was only after about an hour and a half of walking, so I was pretty sure that she was fucked if we got attacked by more than a couple of dumb-muscle thugs. I tried to keep such unpleasant thoughts out of my head, but that’s not how life works, sadly, and those terrible little thoughts of me lying on the ground while she gets taken off to God knows where isn’t exactly my happy place. After a break that was far too long for my tastes, we got moving again, but something tickled my gut and told me to get off of the main streets. I stopped just long enough to grab Twilight’s hand and drag her down an alley, keeping it calm until we broke into the shadows of the side-street before making a mad dash for the nearest corner. Twilight panted hard while we were stopped, but I managed to get her to try and quiet it down by placing a hand over her mouth.

It was dark enough for me to hazard a peek around the corner without being too stressed about it, but what I saw when I looked didn’t make much sense to me. A fucking Minotaur with a giant blade was walking by the alley, looking down it for any sign of us (I assumed) and halted itself right at the exit. I dipped my head back around to look at the remainder of the alley and was glad to see that it had an open side to it as well, so I started pushing Twilight that way so we wouldn’t get killed until death do us part. Clearing the alley was the easy part, but getting Twilight to move above a decent walking pace was torturous.

“Gauche, what are we running from?” She whispered fiercely as I practically dragged her along, not stopping to give her an answer.

“There was a big ass Minotaur with an axe bigger and wider than me, so we’re not sticking around to see if he wants to use it on us. Objections?”

“We could have asked him for directions!” Twilight protested.

I whipped around and let her bounce off of me. “Twilight Sparkle, have you ever actually been in danger?”

“Of course I have! I’ve gone up against Nightmare Moon, Tirek, Chrysalis-”

“When’s the last time you almost got stabbed or decapitated, Lover?” I interrupted.

“Uh…?”

“When’s the last time someone threw a punch at you and it was followed by more than one or two others?”

“... What kind of place are you from?” She asked incredulously.

“One that evidently has better ways of instilling survival instincts into someone-”

“You keep saying some’one’ instead of some’pony’, but you don’t have the physique pof a Dog or a Cat. What are you, Gauche?”

“Something I doubt you’ve heard of.” I grabbed her hand again. “Come on. We’ll find an inn before dawn or we’ll find one in the morning. It shouldn’t be too much longer until the Sun rises anyway.”

“What makes you say that? Celestia generally doesn’t raise the sun until five thirty or so in the morning.” Twilight commented casually.

I gave her a look. “The sky is lightening. Is it that hard to tell?”

“Oh. I thought my watch was right, but I didn’t consider our situation. Sorry.” She apologized sheepishly.

“It’s fine. We’ll have better luck in the daylight anyway.” I replied coolly. It wasn’t something worthy of even saying sorry for, but I had a feeling that Twilight was a scribe or an accountant with her temperament.

“Right. So… Are you hungry at all?” She asked concernedly.

I gave her a quick once over, wondering if she had food on her.. “I’ve got some hardtack and jerky in some of my pouches if you’re a little peckish. The bread’s pretty recent, but the meat is a few weeks old. It’s lamb, so it’s pretty good, but you don’t strike me as much of a meat lover.”

Twilight’s purple face got a little lighter for some reason. “... You’re a carnivore?”

“I don’t know what that means. I eat animals, vegetables and fruit, if that’s what your asking. Cauliflower is terrible and grapefruits are evil, but I eat most stuff.” I said, offering the information since it was harmless.

“I-I’m sorry, I just don’t meet many ponies who eat animals like… Well… Animals.” She gave me a weak, apologetic smile. “Don’t think I’m judging you or anything though! It’s natural for different races to eat different things, after all.”

“Exactly, but that begs the question as to what a carnivore is and why you’re scared of them. I mean, I’ll go ahead and swear to you now that I’m not going to try and bite you or something. Unless that’s your thing, that is.”

“Why would I want you to bite me?” Twilight asked, confused.

“Why not? Maybe you should let me do it once just to see how you feel about it?” I teased mildly.

“... Uh… I don’t really think I want to be bitten, Gauche.”

“Your loss, I think. For all I know you could taste terrible and you just saved me from biting into someone extra salty.”

“Mmm, salt.” Twilight licked her lips. “You wouldn’t happen to have a cube on you, would you?”

“... You eat plain salt?”

“Don’t you?”

“No. Plain salt is awful. It makes a lot of food taste better though, but eating it plain would be like scooping mayonnaise out of a bowl.” I said, my hood covering the distaste on my face. I cast a quick look around as we continued walking and spotted a wooden sign with a bed and quill on it. “And it looks like our inn is right over there.”

“Oh! Good catch, Gauche!” Twilight praised.

“Thanks, Twilight. Now, you might be handling the money, but let me do the talking, okay? The art of the haggle doesn’t strike me as a skill you’ve honed.”

“I’m sure they won’t be unreasonable with their prices, Gauche. Have some faith in your average pony.” She chastised.

I stared at her for a second. “... You are so weird.” I said bluntly. “I don’t know what your homeland is like, but my homeland tries to stab you more often than not. I’m going to keep being paranoid until we find out whether or not you’re in danger, and if we find that it’s pretty reasonably safe for you to get back to where you need to go, then you won’t have to worry about that little thing anymore. For the time being, however, I’m gonna need you to follow my lead so you don’t die.”

“... I really don’t like the idea of being lead around by somepony as paranoid as you appear to be, Gauche. I’ll prove that ponies in general aren’t as bad as you think they are, and when I do, we can move onto teaching you the Magic of Friendship!” She gave me a bright smile that made my stomach churn. “No offense meant, but you seem like a lonely fellow to me, and it’s just too strange to think that you’re going to be so far from home without any friends to lean on.”

“I have plenty of friends,” I lied, “but it’s not like I feel like I need any more. I mean, I’d be fine with adding you to the list, but it’s not a priority, Twilight. Besides, we need to focus on getting you home more than getting me friends.”

“Well, how about this? We find a way to get me home and then we go about figuring out where on Equis you’re supposed to go so we can get you back to your friends. How does that sound?”

“Sounds fine, Twi.” I replied dismissively. “Ready to get off of the streets yet?”

“Right!” She gave me another innocuous smile.

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so I just lead the way over to the inn and held the door open for her as we came inside. The inn itself had the same stone walls that every other building had, but with plenty of spartan, plain looking wooden furniture strewn about the place, most likely so the inn could serve as a restaurant and pub when needed. I liked the familiar atmosphere of the place, but Twilight seemed to be put on edge, though I didn’t really want to ask why. After scoping out the playing field, I managed to lock eyes with another creature that looked like one of Twilight’s kin, but this one was a dark brown with yellow hair that couldn’t be called blonde by any stretch of the imagination. I gave him a nod and he returned it sleepily, so I gently took Twilight’s wrist in my hand and lead her over to the innkeeper.

“Morning, Bruv. Wouldn’t happen to have an open room or two, would you?” I asked casually.

He gave me a long, hard look. “Why don’t you pull that hood down so I can see your face?”

“My face is cursed. The hood is for the safety of your average fellow, not my anonymity.” I lied effortlessly.

“Ah, I see.” The innkeeper hummed. “Well, I got a room with a bed and a sofa for you and your companion since it don’t seem like you two are together, but that’s about it.”

“How much?” I asked briskly.

“Ten bits.”

“Bullshit. I’m willing to do seven.”

“Nine’s the lowest I’ll go.” He droned.

“Eight’s the number I’m willing to part with.” I said severely.

He gave me an amused look. “Bud, I got Minotaur and Griffin guests. A Pony with a messed up face ain’t exactly scary.”

“I’ll fuck you.” I warned.

“... What?” He asked.

“I. Will. Fuck. You.”

“What does that mean?” The guy asked interestedly.

“It means that I’ll put my dick in your butt and you’ll learn what it feels like to shit in reverse.”

“... Seven it is then.” He said blankly.

I turned to Twilight who was blushing up a storm. “Got seven bits?”

She fished them out of her fucking hair and held them out to me. “... You’re not going to fuck me, right?”

“You’d like it; he wouldn’t.” I said casually.

“I don’t think that’s true…” Twilight said nervously.

I shrugged. “How you feel is how you feel.” I turned back to the innkeeper and handed him the copper coins. “So where do we go?”

“Third floor, second room to your left.” He said before fishing a key from its hook on a rack behind him. “Don’t forget to flush the toilet when you’re done. I know they’re weird, but they’re sanitary and it never hurts to have running water.”

“You have an inside well?” I asked.

“What? No, we have a sewer system and a water treatment system like every other town in every other major country.” The guy scoffed.

I didn’t quite get what a water treatment thing was, but I knew my way around a sewer or two. “We’ll be sure to flush the toilet, in any case. How long do we get the room?”

“You gotta be out by ten tomorrow. Call me generous.” He snorted.

“You’re generous.” Twilight said cheerily.

The fellow looked at her and squinted. “Hey cutie, what’s your name?”

Twilight blushed. “Y-You mean me?”

“Well, I can’t exactly see tall, dark, and sketchy’s face, so yeah, you.” He replied frankly.

“Oh, right.” Twilight giggled anxiously. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m Princess Celestia’s former student.”

The innkeeper guy narrowed his eyes. “Leave. Your bits are hush money, so don’t stick around and give me a reason to sell you-”

A bad feeling struck my stomach. “Twilight, head out. I’ll be right behind you after I ask two questions.” I waved her off and she hesitantly started to leave, so I looked back at the innkeeper. Once she was gone, I askled “What’s the skinny on her, Bruv?”

He leaned in and whispered. “You need to get the buck away from her, dude. I don’t know why you don’t know that she’s thenewest Princess, but I do know that it’s going to cost you your life if you don’t get her out of Minosia and into Equestria. That is, if you decide that she’s worth the trouble. Leave out the back and I’ll cover for you.”

‘“She’s naive and practically defenseless. I can’t leave her to die, but I need you to forget that she had a companion. Remember that she was here, just don’t mention me.”

“I’m not trying to get anyone killed here, friend. Go and get her out of Minosia if you’re stuck on being a good guy.”

I dug into a pocket and passed him a gem that I had no real use for. I had plenty of them, so I wasn’t terribly worried. “A little extra for a friendly face.”

He took the bribe with a nod, foolishly closing his eyes as he leaned to far forward, which gave me just enough time to draw my stiletto and stab him in the temple. It was a quick affair to be sure,. And the only reason I killed him was because he was a liar like no other. He was going to sell us out as soon as one of Twilight’s enemies came around, and I knew for a fact that he was going to try and make some coin off of our hides, so I said fuck that guy and had the little rendezvous with Twilight after robbing the register of a few shiny silver pieces and a lot of copper.

When I got Twilight off of the main streets, I lead us deep into an empty alley and took my cloak off before handing it to her. “Here. Get this on so we can get out of town without dying.”

Twilight stared at me openly. “... You’re not a Pony…”

“No, I’m not. Put the cloak on, Twilight. We need to get you out of Minosia as soon as we can possibly do.” I said urgently.

“... Why don’t we just change my face if we’re worried about getting spotted?” Twilight asked. “I think a lot more ponies are going to be suspicious of your face than mine.”

“I don’t want to get you killed by dragging you around on the streets, Lover, and I don’t know how we’re going to witchcraft you into looking like someone else.”

She gave me a smile and the gem on her forehead lit up with a weird purple light that set my teeth on edge and made my skin crawl, but my aversion to witchcraft was tempered by a fascination with what Twilight’s face was doing. Before my very eyes, her outfit changed from a skirt that only came down to her knee (It was pretty obscene in my eyes, but I liked looking. Sue me.) and a strange blouse of some sort to a plain dress that seemed to fit well enough. Her face morphed and her skin changed colors until it was a pale pink and her features distorted until she was a little harder on the eyes than she’d been before. All in all, I wished I could disguise myself like she was doing, but I was wary of signing my soul away for such power.

When she was done, Twilight clapped her hands and smiled. “Alright! The spells took, so we should be fine.”

I nodded, shrugging off the fact that I was talking to a soulless witch. I mean, Twilight's niceness had to be bone deep if she hadn't tried to get me to join her coven yet. Or sacrifice me. Whichever. “Great. Let’s get a move on and find another inn to stay at. After we get you a cloak, that is.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Why would I need a cloak?”

“You walk through a strange land, you wear a cloak. That’s just how it is.” I answered.

“... Are you going to get me a cloak even if I say no?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then.” She sighed. “Let’s go get a cloak, I guess.”

“Glad to see that you’re seeing reason.” I offered her my hand after I put my cloak back on “If anyone asks, I’m your adopted brother and we don’t exactly know what I am. If someone doesn’t ask, then kick them in the soft bits and don’t go down without a fight.”

“... Yeah, you’re weird.”

“I’m jaded. There’s a difference.”

“Being jaded is worse than being weird. Once we get to Equestria, I’ll show you that it’s just not necessary.” She smiled like a fool.

I rolled my eyes at her. “You’re going to get us both killed, Twilight. Minosia apparently hates you, and if people don’t know what I am, then I’m willing to bet that I’m not going to be doing my ‘Alive Dance’ anytime soon.”

“What’s your Alive Dance look like?” Twilight asked.

I smirked. “It looks like a series of pelvic thrusts.”

“O-kay.”

I grabbed her wrist and started walking. “I get it. I’m weird and you’re too nice. Let’s keep it moving while we can.”

“Right.” Twilight said, following along faithfully. It took her a few minutes and some time out in the open to ask, “Gauche? Why don’t we just just find the nearest Teleportation Station and we’ll get to Equestria that way? It’ll be a little pricey, but I have the bits to get us home.”

“Sounds good to me. Are there security checks at these Teleportation Stations?”

“Of course! However, my Alicorn Magic shouldn’t be affected by anything the Minosians can come up with, so we should be good to go in disguise.”

“Great.” I nodded.

A few more minutes passed in silence until people started petering onto the streets, most of them Minotaurs. A few of the people were what I would assume humanized Griffins to look like, but for the most part, Twilight and I traveled to the market unaccosted. It was easy to tell where the Town Square was because most people were heading there, but when we finally managed to find a cloak in Twilight’s size, it took a lot for us to get another inn further from the inner territories of town. We learned that we were currently in a place called Grey Grotto and that it was not a Pony-friendly place, so getting Twilight covered up still a good move, even if we didn’t have to worry about the whole her being a Princess thing.

We managed to snag a room at a different inn, and this time it was seven bits from the open, so Twilight stepped in and took the sell before I could haggle, but I wasn’t exactly pushing for her to save her money anymore after learning that she was actually truly royalty. She could probably afford whatever she wanted and then some, so I didn’t feel bad about letting her overpay for a shitty bed and a wooden chair in a room. After we got settled in and Twilight was sitting on the bed, I figured it was time for her to try and catch some shuteye, but my ‘new friend’ had a few questions.

“Hey Gauche? Would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself?” She asked from the bed.

I was sitting propped up against the wall next to said bed, so I looked up and answered with, “There’s a lot to say, but the short story is that I’m the repossession specialist. I get to places and take stuff that people had no business getting without the coin to back it up, and I reclaim stolen goods.” I lied brutally. “Other than that, you’ve just got a guy who doesn’t stay still long and loves to wander.”

“What about your friends? What are they like?” She asked curiously.

“Lover, why don’t we just call it a night? Get some rest and we’ll talk more when you wake up.”

“It’s only been about eighteen hours for me. I’m good to go until tomorrow.” Twilight answered with a small yawn.

“That yawn was good enough. I’m not trying to bitch at you, but you’re going to need some rest so we can get it moving.” I replied a little tersely.

“I’m not tired, but I can tell that you are. Why don’t you take the bed while I watch the door for anypony suspicious?” Twilight asked.

“So you do have some sort of preservation instinct.” I chuckled.

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but I guess I do.”

I let myself rest against the wall and closed my eyes. “I’ll sleep for a couple hours and we’ll switch off and on until it’s time to get a move on.”

“Sounds fine by me.” Twilight said cordially.

We didn’t speak after that, but Twilight did start singing me a melody that was soothing and pleasant to hear, but I didn’t understand the language she was singing in. I do know, however, that my eyelids made their way downwards and stayed there for eight hundred breaths, give or take ten to fifteen extra. Once I was rested, I insisted that Twilight at least try to sleep, and lo’ and behold, the foolhardy one was out within minutes. It was nice to have a little peace, even if I was starting to get worried about living in a world where the people come in rainbow colours, Minotaurs walk the streets freely, and Griffins are no longer the stuff of legends. It didn’t look like I was in the best of situations, but on the other hand, if I could make it through, then I had a friendly Princess who would most likely owe me a favour or two after everything was said and done.

Just before the fourth hour of Twilight's slumber came, I heard a soft popping noise come from the other side of the bed, so I sat up and looked over Twilight’s sleeping form to see a blue woman with a dark blue gem in her forehead and a weird head of hair that billowed in an unfelt breeze, littered with dots and pinpricks of lights and the occasional streak of a shooting star going through her locks. We made eye contact and she narrowed her eyes at me, so I gave her a little wave with my right hand and prepared a smoke pellet with my left.

“Who art thou?” The blue woman demanded.

“Name’s Garrison, but most people call me Gauche. Who are you, and why are you trespassing in a room that’s not yours?” I asked tensely.

She raised her chin and frowned a little harder. “I am Princess Diana De Luna.” She announced loudly, startling Twilight into the conscious world.

“Who!? Wait! What!?” Twilight cried. “What the- Where am I?”

“Twilight, calm down. We’re in Minosia.” I reminded.

She rubbed her eyes and looked at me. “Did you wake me up for my turn?”

“Your ‘turn’?” Princess Luna asked tersely. “Princesses do not require ‘turns’.”

“Luna!?” The younger woman jolted and her head whipped around to face her. “Luna! Oh, you have no idea how glad I am to see you!”

The blue bitch gave her a dirty look. “You could not find the spare Magic to send a letter for your retrieval?”

“Well, we were supposed to go find a leyline or the Teleportation Station so we could get back home in a few more hours.” Twilight answered nervously.

Luna scowled. “If you had used the other half of your brain to actually think, then you would have started mediation and sapped the ambient Magic from the world around you so you could have just teleported back to Ponyville.”

“But what about Gauche? He didn’t choose to be here either, and he’s been really nice about trying to help me stay out of trouble!”

Luna glared at me. “And you know that he has not been causing this trouble how?”

“Well, for one, Twilight likes to walk in dark alleys and talk to Minotaurs that stalk the streets at night with battle axes the size of people.” I scoffed.

“We didn’t know that the Minotaur was a bad guy! He could have pointed us to the Teleportation Station for all we know!” The formerly purple Princess argued.

“Or, and I’m just saying here, he could have grabbed both of your arms and seen which one pops off first.” I said condescendingly.

Twilight gave me a look. “If you assume the worst in ponies, then why have you been so adamant about helping me?”

“... There’s exceptions to every rule, and I’m assuming that your Princess pal is here to make sure that I’m not one of them.”

Luna scoffed. “Are you a citizen of Equestria?”

“No, he’s a citizen of Avalesce, but-”

“Then he has no place in Equestria. Say your goodbyes, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna demanded.

Twilight looked between the two of us and let her eyes settle on me before she got off of the bed and offered me a hand up. I took it for politeness sake, but did most of the lifting myself. “Gauche… I-”

“You’ve got a country to help run, Twilight. I’m sure your business is more important than making sure some random guy gets home.” I said giving her a quick hug.

Well, it was supposed to be quick, but she held on. “If you ever come to Equestria, find me in Ponyville and I promise that you’ll have a place there if you don't want to go home.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle and give her a little squeeze. “God above, you remind me of someone. I’ll be careful, Twilight, so just do me a favour and be skeptical every once in awhile, okay?”

She let me go and tilted her head. “Who do I remind you of?”

“Someone I don’t think I’ll see for a long time. Take care, new friend.” I gave her a little smile.

“Take care, Gauche.” Twilight looked to Luna and opened her mouth, but before she could even say a word, they were both gone.

I had nothing else to do and no desire to stay inside any longer than I had to, so I opened the window in the room and looked out to the streets, the Sun high in the sky and limiting what all I could do. I figured I might as well ply my trade and see if I could come up with some fences and the like. In other words, I was getting down to business, making my mark and taking what I could from the world I found myself on. After a few minutes of quiet reconnaissance, I sat down on the bed Twilight had previously occupied and thought about my sister. She wasn’t much younger than me, and she’d always been a bit of a straight-laced goober, kinda like Twilight. Both seemed rather bright, rather compassionate, and quite trusting, which I assumed was a part of the real reason I was so occupied with making sure Twilight stayed safe. They might not have looked anything like each other, but I liked Twilight in the same way I’d loved my sister, and that wasn’t something I wanted to dwell on since it made my heart heavy and my body feel weary. Aria’s passing never left me in a good mood, so I laid down and tried to catch a little more rest before nightfall.

Author's Note

Meet Gauche and Twilight! This time, they will not be shipped! Ah-ha! There's another ship in the making for the waking, so get to baking and have some fun in the sun.

As Always, I. Will. Fuck. You.
Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Two: Why Not?

Chapter Two: Petraphobia

The Sun set peacefully. Kinda. There was a brawl downstairs in the inn as the sun found its way lower in the horizon, and I heard word of another couple of brawls between locals and out-of-towners, which made me feel like I severely needed a change of scenery. After grabbing a three bit meal and a one bit pint, I got my feet to walking and asked around for the best place to get a nice ring for the special someone in my life, and most people pointed me to the average artisans when I was actually looking for the extraordinary ones. It didn't take me long to find the more affluent part of town, and it was a cinch to stick to the shadows and avoid being spotted since I wasn’t exactly Mr. Ostentatious.

I chilled out behind a rubbish bin for a little while until the people on the streets became less and less common, and when they finally faltered to the point where there were only a few people on the streets at a given moment, I started one of my favourite activities: parkour. One of my fellow ‘Possession Allocation Control Crew’ members, or PACCers as we liked to call ourselves, taught me how to get crazy when it came to getting places or leaving without being caught. There was a Mohawk tribal in the cell that said he learned from a guy named Connor over in the Araluen States, but I’d never seen anyone better than Amo (The Croissant) or Ezio (The Spaghetti), and both of those guys were insane. Like, I'd been on twilight strolls with them (Since we were those kinds of thieves) and I've seen both of them make jumps that are definitely lethal and live. They tried having me do one of their 'Hayday Dives' and my common sense told me no.

Anyway, the alley I was in happened to be narrow enough to scale by pressing my hands and feet to opposite walls and pushing while climbing to get higher and higher. It was my least favourite part, but when I got to the rooftops, the real fun began. Most of my loot pouches were empty, so I started my search for more capital by leaping across three roofs until I found a place with a balcony that I could borrow for a quick spell. After looking inside and listening for any hint of movement, I picked the lock guarding the home only to find out that the owners didn’t bother to lock their house in the first place. It made no difference to me since I was just trying to break in and steal shit, but I did find it odd for all of ten seconds.

I opened the door slowly to test it for squeaks, and when I heard a few of the telltale signs of rust, I grasped the handle and lifted the door roughly as I opened it so it wouldn’t make any more noise. The old trick worked like a charm and I let myself in, realizing that I was in someone’s study when my eyes adjusted to the darker room. There wasn’t much light to go by, but I’ve done more with less, so I checked the study out and nabbed a massive gold pocket-watch, a similarly huge silver wrist-watch, a well made pipe and some herbs to go with it, and a fair amount of rings that were all too large to fit human hands. I figured that I was good for the time being, so I slipped back out of the house with a thick book tied to my hip with some string I kept in one of my pouches.

Finding a place to take stock of my loot was harder than I might have expected, but stashing it when I found a good place to make my base was easier than letting your heart beat on its own. In most cases, that is. In my case, the abandoned, condemned, rat filled place I decided to hang my hat seemed an awful lot like home, and when I found a room bereft of rat droppings, I emptied my pockets and went out for another Twilight Stroll/Night Crawl (What you call it depends on where you're from. Lasponites and Guermans call it Night Crawling, though Avalescians and Araluens call it Twilight Strolling) to pick up some more capital. I ended up making six trips over the course of the night, and on the last two, I managed to get enough bedding to make sleeping on the dry, splintering wooden floor of the building suck considerably less.

All was well and good while I slept until I felt a disturbance in the air. Something was setting me on edge, so I picked up the most expensive looking items I had and put them in my pouches before I stowed the rest of my goodies under the nest I’d made. My little endeavor took maybe a minute, and before the time could double, I was standing behind the door, waiting for whatever it was to come and find me while my nerves made me prepare to take flight and get the fuck out of dodge. Much to my chagrin, when the Minotaur entered the room I’d hid in, he made straight for the middle of the room and his partner followed at a much more sedate pace. With the way the door closed, I was pinned in a little corner between the door and the wall, so I would either have to close the door a bit and slip out, or I’d have to stay and try not to be heard, seen, or smelled. A glance through the crack between the door and the wall it was attached to had me looking at a Griffin with breasts on her chest and a few flecks of dark plumage lining her eyes. I’m pretty sure that the eye shadow-type feathers mark Griffins as females since I’d seen a few without them and they seemed more masculine, which really wasn’t my concern at that point in time. I was more worried about being discovered by my visitors.

“Whatever it was, it’s not here right now.” A gruff, incredibly macho voice grunted. He sounded like he punched cattle for giving him dumb looks.

“No one saw them leave.” A lighter, more patient male voice said. “Check the blankets. The reports didn't say if whoever it was happened to be a Pony or a Cat, so they might be small enough to hide there.”

I heard someone shuffle my hard-stolen goods around until they spotted some of my loot on the floor. “Well, well, well. Looks like our mystery man has sticky fingers. I guess Martel’s word is still worth something.” The lighter voice said amusedly.

“First of all, it might be female. Second, Schrade, we need to get a move on. We’re burning daylight looking for a lead on a thief that’s probably gonna overcharge us for whatever we ask him to do.” The female said from the hall. Her voice was a little breathy and sounded somewhat mild, but there was a distinctness to her voice that made me wonder if she was really the one in charge. She sounded cuter than she was since she was, you know, half bird, half lion.

“Relax, Frieda. I think our potential friend would be interested in what we have to offer if his targets are anything to go by.” Schrade (I guessed.) said. “We just have to wait for him to show his face.”

I heard someone take a deep, loud breath. “I can’t smell anything past the rats.” The grumbly voice said.

“Great. You know, I bet our guy’s in this room, laughing his hindquarters off at us right now.” Frieda said, stepping into the room and out of my line of sight.

“I’d give you a hundred bits if he was behind the fuckin’ door.” The Minotaur said.

“Get real.” Frieda scoffed, flinging my cover away and gesturing toward me. “Only a jackass would hide behind the damn door.”

“My feelings.” I held her hand and she practically flew across the room.

“Holy shit!” Frieda cried. “What the fucking fuck!?”

Schrade looked at me coolly. “Hello there.”

I waved. “Wotcher, Bruv. I hear you’ve got some work for me.”

He waved back. “If you’re a loyalist to the Iron Crown, then yes.”

“Ah, yes. The Iron Crown. The Crown of Iron. Much like the Diadem of Steel, I’ve heard.” I answered loftily.

“You’re not Minosian, are you?” The Minotaur growled.

I looked at him. “I doubt that I even come from this planet. However, money tends to buy my services, and these lips tend to give out false names, so what do you want me to do?” I asked.

Schrade held up a claw. “Not so fast, friend. We need to know your name before we start negotiations. If for anything at all, then for familiarity’s sake.”

“Call me Gauche. I know your names; Schrade, Frieda. I don’t know the big guy.”

The Minotaur snorted. “My people only give out names to our kin. You are not blooded.”

“Fair enough. So about this job…?” I inquired.

Schrade nodded. “We need you to break into a place and grab something since it seems like you’re better at it than anyone else we have right now. We have a couple of Watchers that kept an eye on you last night, and they were rather impressed with your ability to infiltrate and exfiltrate without getting so much as spotted by hired muscle or the guards. You’re seeming like a valuable addition to Bite-Back, and we can make it worth your while if your stick around.”

“How’s the ale?” I asked, hoping that the code would carry over.

Schrade gave me an odd look and the Minotaur grinned. “It is strong and flows freely from the taps.”

I passed him over and looked at Frieda who said, “It’s bittersweet and easy to beat. Every pint is hard fought, but we’re making progress.”

“Former Streetwalker. Smart woman.” I gave her an up-nod.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “What’s so smart about it?”

“You got out of it and joined what I’m assuming is a revolution. You’ve got more to give than what’s between your legs. It was smart to give up that lifestyle.”

She scoffed. “Hated it anyway. Still, I’m wondering how a sneaky thief type knows harlot hooks.”

“My old network was basically built on the backs of Streetwalkers. High-Marks are valued, and targets that can get their hands on high value women usually have loose lips. Sometimes those women happen to be a little bitter about what went on during their time together. That’s where I generally come in.”

“So you use whores to get your info, and then you what, exactly?” Frienda asked suspiciously.

“I rob our mark and come back with their cut. If I bring back a fair enough amount, then I get a repeat informer. If I don’t, I lose a thread, and that’s not my thing.”

She clicked her freaky beaky and looked at Schrade. “He’s as decent as people in our line of work get.”

Schrade chuckled. “Then we’d better watch our backs.” He gave me his undivided attention. “What do you say? You don’t seem to have much to fight for right now. Why not help turn this country around with your skills and get paid while doing it?”

“Never was fond of the government, to be honest with you. Been to gaol once and that was enough for me.” I replied. “I guess I’m in as long as you don’t get me killed.”

The Minotaur grumbled. “We need a cow instead of all these bulls.”

Frieda chuckled. “It might be a regular sausage party, but I’d rather have our current crew than my old one.”

“Didn’t your old crew try to hang you for leaving?” The big fellow asked.

“Yep. It’s nice to know that I could leave and keep my life for once.”

Schrade chuckled again. “Isn’t it? In any case, I’m sure Gauche would prefer we either left him alone or brought him to HQ.”

“If you’ve got a better bed than some blankets on a floor, then I’ll follow you.” I said drily.

“You can bring your blankets and put them on a cot or another floor.” Frieda said evilly.

“And my swag? I’m assuming that a little funding wouldn’t hurt you fellows, so I’d be happy to share half of my profits.” Given that I get the bigger split.

“Given that you get a larger share, of course. After all, it’s hard to keep a revolution running with clean money.” Schrade tapped his beak with a talon and winked at me.

“Just point me to a decent mark and I’ll have them made in minutes.” I said truthfully.

“Bragging in a sin in the eyes of the Creator.” Frieda scoffed.

“Being ugly is a sin too, but where’s your smiting?” I countered.

She gave me a deadpan look. “If you’re calling me ugly, then you’ve obviously got no taste in Griffin women.”

I pointed at Schrade. “You look like him, but a little smaller with some lumps on your chest and some dark feathers on your eyes.”

Schrade and Frieda traded a look before laughing at me. However, the Minotaur was nodding along. “He’s right. Griffins all look alike.”

Frieda shot him a dirty look. “There’s a reason why Minotaurs are considered some of the dumbest people around.”

Big Fellow, as he shall be called until his name is revealed, snorted at that. “Please. Even the dumbest Minotaur has more common sense than a Pony.”

“True enough.” Frieda acquiesced. “Are we leaving yet?”

Schrade nodded. “Help collect the stolen goods and we’ll hit the catacombs.”

I started heading over to my veritable heap of stolen good that wouldn't fit into my pack and tossed them onto a sheet before making a sack out of the cloth. Big Fellow picked up the rest of the blankets because his nine foot or three meter tall frame allowed him that luxury, and thus we started descending from the top floor of the industrial building down to the bottom. Once we were in a room with a lot of drains, Schrade popped a manhole cover and went down the ladder first, followed by Frieda, me, and then Big Fellow. The sewers fucking reeked because they were where shit gets stored, but other than that, the lights that lined the ceilings made it a tolerable place to be, even if I did have to pull my mask out of its pouch and cover my face to avoid gagging on the scent. Schrade and Frieda were both fine, but Big Fellow pulled a couple of nose plugs out of his pockets and put them in his nostrils. We noticed each other as we were defending ourselves against the smell and I think we bonded over it. I’m not sure, but we kind of felt like islands in an archipelago. It was quality archipelago time.

After a few minutes of walking in silence, Schrade lead us to a wall that had a few amorphous clay bricks jutting out of the wall, and when he scraped his claws against a few of them, we were granted entry into a place that didn’t have light. I didn’t walk terribly far into the room since I couldn't see where Frieda and Schrade had gone, but then some lights kicked on and I saw that we were in a place that seemed to be entirely made of bones and mortar. I didn’t get any bad feelings in my gut, but I knew that the place had to be home to some kinds of daemons that fed off of the dead, otherwise evil was letting far too many people have far too much peace for it to make sense. I know that the plague meant that a lot of people ended up in mass burials, but I never could agree with such a practice, even in the face of death by cholera or dysentery.

Big Fellow nearly shoved me off of my feet to get me going again, but it was pretty obvious that he’d assumed that I was either stronger or heavier than he’d thought, so I didn’t take it personally. The look of confusion on his face as I stumbled to catch my footing was enough to get me to let it go, and the fact that he was essentially carrying my bed incentivized me to go where he was going since I wanted to get a little more sleep. I’d only gotten a couple hours by the time Bite-Back had come to collect me, so I was feeling the tiredness, and it wasn’t doing me any favours. A small part of me hoped that they had some coffee and honey; a twist on the classic coffee and sugar that I’d picked up from a rogue Ranger that used to head up Castle Redmont back in Avalesce. I’d met him in Winter’s Keep while working a job for some uppity Noble and we’d been fast friends, but sadly he’d decided to try and become a Ranger again, so we lost touch. I still miss Will, although I don’t miss him as much as I could since he’s a King’s Man through and through.

I followed the Minotaur until we found Schrade and Frieda standing in front of an even bigger Minotaur with grey fur and a big silver ring piercing his septim. He laid eyes on me when Big Fellow and I came through the door and the first thing he did was chuck the mallet he was holding at me like a madman. I ducked because dodging, and the hammer whizzed over my head, but I had a feeling that I’d better leap to my right if I didn’t want something sucky to happen. My instincts proved to be correct when an odd tool I wasn’t familiar with smacked the ground where I’d been standing, and when I looked up to see what the old Minotaur was doing, I saw that he was grabbing more tools, so I popped a smoke pellet and made a mad dash to try and get around him. The old fucker stopped throwing things when the smoke was at its thickest, but I was already behind him when he started looking for me. I figured a good kick to the back of his leg would do just fine, so I sprung up and sent a thrust-kick into the dorsal side of his knee and the elder tree fell without anyone having to yell ‘Timber!’

“Heya old fucker. Knock that shit off.” I growled irritably.

He turned his head to look at me and grimaced. “Just had to go for the bad one, dintcha?”

“I’m not the fuckin’ looney throwing tools.” I reminded.

Frieda chuckled at that and Schrade elbowed her, but she just hit him back. The grey fellow answered with, “I’m not the stranger in an inner sanctum. Why these dopes brought ya here is beyond me.”

“I’m vouching for him, Irone (Pronounced like eh-rone). There’s nothing else to it.” Frieda said.

I gave her a confused look. “You’re sticking your neck out for me because I knew some Streete Speake?”

“No, I’m vouching for you because I have a feeling that you were asleep before we got into that old factory. What tipped you off to us being there?”

“Woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach, so I made the most of it.” I answered honestly. “I had enough time to grab the good stuff and hide, but that was about it.”

“Why did you ask how the ale was?” Frieda demanded.

“To know whether or not you were going to bullshit me, and to figure out which side of the law your on. Bobbles and Stickums walk opposite sides of the street.”

“What’s a Bobble?” Frieda asked.

“The long arm of the law. A piece of law enforcement.” I explained.

“Why do you call them Bobbles?”

“Back in my hometown, it was because they acted like a bobble on a fishing line. Sometimes they’d stay above water and make some clean arrests of Pluckers or a Brawler, but then they’d go under the surface and kill a Streetwalker or put a bolt through a Brothel Mommy for not paying the Existence Tax. There were other names for them like Coppers because of their copper buttons, but other than that, it just depends on where you go.”

“So what’s a Stickum?” Frieda inquired, asking me to elaborate on more of what I assumed was Terra-centric slang, though I wondered why she knew the code and not the terminology.

“Us. Any kind of quote unquote ‘undesirable’. When your average Aristocunt comes up to one of us, they always want to stick us somewhere.” I scowled and mocked the Noble accent. “Stickum in gaol where they belong! Stickum in quarantine! Stickum in the countryside so we don’t have to dirty our eyes with their filth!” I scoffed. “So yeah, we’re Stickums.”

“And what’s a Plucker?” Irone asked.

“Me. Whether you’re talking about a Pocket Diver, A Night Crawler, a Snatcher, or a Twilight Stroller; they’re all Pluckers.”

“Explain the last three.” He demanded.

“I might if you’re nicer about it.” I answered irritably.

Irone grunted and got back to his feet, towering over me at probably three and a half meters. “What’s a Night Crawler?”

“Someone who stalks marks at night. They tend to be thugs and roll-fiends, or rather, people who forcibly rob others. People who hurt people for their stuff, basically.” I elaborated.

“Alright. And a Pocket Diver is a pickpocket, right?” Schrade asked, earning himself a nod from me. “I might hazard a guess as to what a Snatcher may be. Would they happen to be eggnappers or rather, kidnappers?”

“Yup. The shorter you are, the more likely you are to be sold into a brothel.” I replied, shaking my head.

“So what are you? A Twilight Stroller?” Big Fellow queried.

“Shit,” I scoffed, “I’m the Twilight Stroller around Capersport.”

“Arrogant little prick, aren’t we.” Irone grunted.

“It’s only arrogance if you can’t back it up. Point me at a place you need cased, let me take what I want, and you’ll be a lot happier for it. Hell, most of my latest marks have been MISI, or 'Mission Impossible; Suicide Imminent.”

Irone squared his jaw. “What do you think makes you better than our best infiltrator?”

“All routes are opportunities. All items are up for grabs. No one’s as quiet as me, no one has my instincts, and no one does better at getting out unseen than me.” I checked my nails and smirked under my hood.

“Except we tracked you back to your hideout.” Schrade reminded amusedly.

“You wouldn’t have caught me.” I snorted. “Frieda would be dead and you would be the only one left to chase me, and I guarantee that you’re not smart enough to keep up with me.”

“Oh? Is that a challenge I’m hearing?” Schrade said creepily.

“Unless you’ve suddenly gone deaf, then yes.” I replied.

Irone intervened before it could get too far. “Try each other’s piss some other time. You four should get a move on for Frieda’s beheading.”

“Thanks a lot, Gramps.” Frieda grumbled. “We’ll be out of your fur in a second, so stop pissing yourself and put another diaper on.”

Irone gave her a look. “Shut up and get lost, you little whore.”

She clicked her beak twice at him and I didn't know what that was supposed to mean, but Big Fellow chuckled and Schrade rolled his eyes, so I figured it was funny or something of the sort. Either way, I took a moment to look around the bone-lined room and checked out the weird lights in the course of a couple of seconds. The room seemed pretty bare save for a sheathed zweihander that lay on a table not too far from where Irone had gone down, so when Frieda and Schrade started walking toward the only door in the room, I had little choice but to continue following them since I’d chosen the path. It hadn’t been a hard choice since I’d had a funny feeling that I nearly died, and that I would have for certain if I hadn’t agreed to help them out.

Cheers for survivalism, am I right?

The Catacombs reminded me a lot of the ones in Laspone, and they similarly didn’t seem to get any less eerie or generally foreboding the further we went along, but the hall did widen and start showing branching paths with different signs hanging above them. One was an obvious allusion to smithing, another for laundry and the like, and another had crossed swords, so I assumed it was for combat or an armory. Either way, I doubted that I would ever have to go down that hall for obvious reasons. I mean, rarely do I find a Twilight Stroller that’s actually trained with a sword. Most of us can knife fight like you wouldn’t believe, but actually handling a sword? Unlikely.

The longer we walked the less sure of my decision I was becoming, but before I could lose my nerve entirely, we turned down a Hall that had three jagged lines as a pictogram instead of the fairly intricate carvings that most of the other halls had hanging over their entrances. The walk down that hall was long and tedious, but it gave our little group some time to get to know me a bit more and I tried to be open with the information I gave since little of it could come back to bite me in any way shape or form. Still, I didn’t like talking about myself that much, and when it came to my personal past or my real history, I made it clear that trust was key to getting those questions answered.

“So what brings you to Grey Grotto anyway?” Frieda asked. “You don’t talk like you’re from Minosia or Gryphus, so what’s the deal?”

“I don’t know. The Pony I arrived here with said that she fucked up a spell and probably got me roped into her mess, which sounds pretty likely to me. Hell, like I said earlier, I highly doubt that I’m even from this planet.” I replied, disquietude creeping into my voice despite the calm, collected farce I’ve perfected over the years. In my defense, a lot was being thrown at me at once and I rather needed some time to sit, soak, and surrender to Fate.

“So bad luck brought you here?” Schrade asked.

“Essentially. Whether you call it luck, Fate, or karma, it’s all the same rose.” I said, reciting an old witticism that I’d made. It’d served to get my point across a few times.

“I suppose that’s accurate enough. I trust you’re a believer in the Almighty?”

“Not quite. If there is an Almighty, then it is Fate itself. If there isn’t, then Fate is still Fate. It’s a matter of perspective and semantics that really just leads itself into circles.”

Schrade got a laugh out of that. “I have a funny feeling that you’re not exactly one to mince words.”

Big Fellow made a noise of approval. “Actions are better than words. Why verbally punch someone below the belt when you can physically do it?”

“I’d rather steal someone’s peace of mind. Open every door in their home and leave everything out to be taken and you’ll fuck someone’s head nice and proper.” I chimed in.

“So you’re a cerebral assassin more so than a literal one?” Frieda inquired.

“I fill whatever role I need to, I just prefer not to get my hands bloody. The only thing that blood gets you is more blood in the end.” I pulled on some wisdom from an old sicario for that one. Samuel Gregiano was a brilliant monk, but most of his wisdom was better suited for people like me who walked a fine, bloody line.

“So you’ve killed for money before?” Schrade asked neutrally.

“Not quite. I’ve taken hits to be sure, but I don’t do it for a price. I might rob my mark blind before I take their most valuable possession, but so far I’ve only killed corrupt officials and Nobles.

“Interesting.” Schrade and Frieda chorused.

“... Right. What about you, Schrade? What’s your story?”

He clicked his beak. “Me? I’m a former spy. Used to be Gryphonian before I got burned while working a case on a coven of Cat Vampires, and my credentials were pulled while I was avoiding getting my blood sucked. Apparently I was too clean for King Jean Luq, and Queen Hildegarde is a sham of a Griffin, so she let him blacklist me. I didn’t find out that I was a wanted man until a trio of fledgling soldiers tried to arrest me for treason against The Leaden Crown.” Schrade shook his head. “It’s a shame that I had to kill them, but I was trained to never leave a loose end.”

I nodded along. “So what happened with the coven?”

He clicked his beak a lot harder this time around. “Those leeches were direct subordinates of Jean Luq. Feather-plucking Hippogriffs have always been friendly with Blood Suckers due to some old pact that few enough Hippogriff royals even know about. The only reason I know anything is because I had to exterminate that coven and I made sure that I pried as much information as I could out of all of them before I set their pitiful bodies alight.” The corners of his beak raised slightly, almost as if the keratin or whatever it was happened to be malleable.

“What about Jean Luq? Did you manage to take him down?” I asked.

Schrade passed me a glance. “Bite-Back is international. I didn’t personally take him down, but we managed easily enough. Most of the Griffins in The Granite Grove are, and I hate to say this, but they’re rather racist. Most of the guards in the castle happened to hate Hippogriffs, so it wasn’t hard to bribe a few patrols to head the other way.”

“And Queen Hildegard?”

“Killed herself out of grief.” Frieda answered. “Good riddance to weak rubbish.”

“Brutal, if not well deserved. What about you, bare beak-ed lady? I’m sure you have some grievance against the establishment.” I reasoned.

Frieda gave me a dark look. “All you need to know is that one of the Minosian Princes gave me a good enough reason to stop hooking.”

I switched my line of questioning. “So are you from Gryphus, or are you Minosian?”

“Minosian.” She answered tersely.

I nodded and looked to Big Fellow. “And you?”

He looked down at me. “Minotaurs rarely leave Minosia. I’ve lived in Grey Grotto my entire life.”

“What makes you want to be a part of Bite-Back? And what the fuck do I call you?” I asked.

He looked away from me and shook his head. “Call me Steely. King Herodotus is a fool. Starting a war with Equestria is going to turn my homeland into Tartarus, so he needs to be taken down.”

Something struck me as odd about the way he spoke on the matter, but I couldn’t figure out what. “What’s the biggest thing stopping me from just going in and taking care of business?”

“Magic.” The three of them chorused, though it was Frieda who continued. “The majority of Bite-Back is made up of marked people. The handful of people that we’ve been able to send in tend not to make it out in one piece.”

“... Here’s hoping that I’m better than those guys.”

“It’s hard not to be.” Schrade said bluntly, catching me off guard. “Doctus was dumb, Scheffer was cocky, and Droll Day tried to casually stroll his way in since his Cutie Mark made him hard to notice, but that ended with him losing an arm.”

“And you let them go in solo because…?” I asked. "Were they experienced at least?"

Schrade shrugged. “They weren’t in my unit, or my Kith. To answer your second question, Scheefer was an Infiltrator, but like I said, she was cocky. Droll Day has Magic on his side, so he leans on that a little too hard. You’ll meet more of our team here in a few minutes, but I’ll just explain now that Back-Bite has a structure born from the Gryphonian and Minosian militaries. The main ranks are Division head, Cell Leader, and Lieutenant in descending order, but then you have the higher positions such as Top Dog, Consigliere, Quarter Chief, and Underboss. I’m a Cell Leader myself and Freida is my second Lieutenant out of three.”

“And I’m expendable?” I chuckled.

“At the moment, yes. Everyone’s expendable to a point, Gauche.” Frieda pointed out. “Whether you die or Schrade does, the movement has to keep momentum, so every Lieutenant is trained to be a Cell Leader, every Cell,Leader a Division Head, and every Division Head an Underboss. If you make it past a month, you’ll probably start getting trained to fill my spot.”

Steely chuckled grimly. “Can’t wait til ya die, Free-Free.”

“Bite me, lunkhead.” Frieda scoffed. “Anyway, we’re taking you to meet our admissions guy, Underboss Kerrick, so he can decide whether or not we’re keeping you.”

“Well it’d be a damn shame to make me do all this damn walking for nothing.” I jested lightly, though I didn’t like the idea of being ‘unneeded’. To me, that sounded an awful lot like ‘We’re not gonna show you the way out.’, and that means that my life depended on them needing my skillset more than they needed to keep their circle small and exclusive.

Frieda chuckled. “Gauche, I trust you. People like us? We’ve got a lot in our heart and little of it’s love or compassion for the establishment. Something about you tells me that you’re all too eager to rob the rich, even if you don’t really intend on giving anything to the poor.”

I glared at her, though the shadows of my hood probably prevented her from seeing it. “I rob the rich to give to kids. Orphans always needed the biggest boost, and I never needed all of what I stole. A lot of kids lived through rough winters and lean tides because I know where I came from and I make a Goddamn point of it to never forget what the seventh day of an empty stomach feels like.”

She winked at me. “Call it instinct, but I have a feeling that you’re going to be interesting.”

Schrade chuckled. “If you start courting him, I’m laughing.”

Her pale feathers turned slightly pinkish around her cheeks somehow. “What? I’m not allowed to like a tomcock for his morals?”

Tomcock notwithstanding, I gave her lithe form a good look while she was distracted. Like a lot of Griffins, she seemed to be partial to the tunic and breeches combo with slits in the back for her wings, but her outfit hid a lot of her figure. I’ve never given thought to what kissing a beak would feel like and I wasn’t that eager to find out, but I had to admit that if she was Human, Frieda would probably be a woman I’d visit for more than conversation. By no means am I lecher, nor do I really get all that incensed for sex, but I do find intelligent, dangerous women to be my thing. Frieda was definitely intelligent, and the air of lethality around her was nice, but I couldn’t but shake the feeling that I was cheating on Twilight. The younger woman who felt like Aria before she passed. It was weird. I didn’t feel any sort of infatuation or any kind of smittenness for Princess Twilight, but I just couldn’t get rid of the impression that she’d be a little salty to find out that I was shagging a bird-cat. Cat-bird. Both work, and both sound goofy.

After my little once over, I decided to say, “If you like me for my morals, then I like you for not hitting me or some shit.”

She gave me a weird look. “Why would I hit you?”

“Why would you bring me down here if you weren’t one hundred percent sure I’ll make it out alive? Why would I not kill you and get away clean and kosher when I could? Fate does strange things because people do strange things, and I’d like to think that my morals are some of the strangest out there.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“He’s saying that we’re either leading him to the end of the road or the beginning of something new. Smart fellow.” Schrade answered.

Big Fellow burst out laughing. “A dead man walks towards his grave with no fear! My opinion of you has been worse, Gauche.”

“Would it get any worse if I asked for a piggy-back ride?” I asked flippantly.

He stopped laughing. “Why would you want to ride me like a child?”

“Call it whimsy.” I snickered to myself. “So what are the odds of me walking out of here a member of Bite-Back?”

Schrade snapped his fingers and reality itself fucking cracked and shattered around us, leaving us in a singular room, surrounded on all sides. My blood ran cold and I fingered one of my smoke pellets before he said, “You passed. You cleared the intelligence check.”

“That’s not the only one.” I said with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

He clicked his beak at me. “And the Third Eye sees between the lines.”

“It is amusing that you have chosen such a phrase for our new brother.” A dead, lifeless voice droned over the whispers and chatter surrounding us.

Schrade and Frieda dropped to one knee, but didn’t salute otherwise. “It’s good to hear from you, Underboss Maud.” Schrade said.

A greyish Pony-person stepped forward out of the crowd, and I have to say that she looked like… Well, she was pretty and all, but I remember saying I like dangerous women. There’s such a thing as too dangerous dammit, and the woman in front of me was definitely that. I could see in the placid pools of muted green eyes that she was cold-blooded. I fucking know the eyes of a serial killer when I see them, and she fucking had them unlike anyone I’d ever seen before. Everything from the way she moved to the way she took nearly a full minute to wet her eyes via blinking let me know that I, for one, didn’t stand much of a chance against her, even in an unfair fight. For two, she made my instincts go fucking berserk, and the only reason I even bothered to stay where I was happened to be because I highly doubted that I’d get away from her, even if there were fewer combatants in the room. My heart hammered in my chest as she walked past Frieda and Schrade to stand in front of me; watching her as she watched me in turn. Maud came to a stop about half and arm’s length away from me before putting a single finger on my chest.

“You are Gauche.” Maud said plainly.

“You are Maud.” I replied.

“I am. Why should I let you live?”

“I’m a lot more useful alive than dead. You don’t see many people this cute, right?” I tried.

“... Was that a joke?” She asked, her voice devoid of any sign of approval or disdain.

“... Yes? Humour helps me feel less like your ab-” She placed her finger over my lips.

“Stop talking.” She commanded.

I stopped talking.

The stony Pony removed her finger from my lips. “Your first job starts tonight. You will complete the task by sundown. You will bring the item to me.”

I nodded.

“Speak.”

“We’re clear.” I said wisely.

She didn’t have to reach to brush my hood away, but when she did, there were murmurs around the room until she snapped her fingers. A pin-drop would have been deafening after two seconds. “What are you?”

“Human.”

“Where do Humans live?” Maud interrogated.

“Terra. A different planet as far as I can tell.”

“Bite-Back’s dealings should mean nothing to you.” She said.

“I’m always happy to rob someone who’s stingy about sharing. ”

“I am stingy with my rock collection. Would you steal from me?”

“... If you're an Aristocunt; no. If your rock collection is the first thing you can think of that is precious to you, then I’d rather steal your knickers, no matter how shiny the rocks might be.”

“What are knickers?”

“I don’t know what else to-” She placed a finger over my lips again.

“Warning.” She stared into my eyes for a full minute and a few extra seconds before dropping her finger. “Answer honestly.”

“Knickers are undergarments.”

Much to my surprise, the terrifying creature blushed. “I would rather have you take a rock.”

“I’d rather not steal from allies in the first place.” I replied, struggling to keep my voice level.

“Loyalty is a virtue that you possess. Do not lose it.” She said, the color fading from her cheeks quickly enough. The flat, emotionless expression on her face hadn’t changed so much as a fraction during our exchange, and that scared me about as much as Maud herself scared me overall. I mean, I’ve been practicing for years, yet I still feel a little twitch on occasion.

“Sounds like a quick way to die around these parts.” I said.

She nodded. “It is. Whether you are loyal to the Iron Crown or to Bite-Back, you must maintain fidelity if you intend on living.”

“Here’s hoping I threw my cards in with the right lot.”

Maud nodded again. “Hope as you will.” She grabbed my arm gently yet firmly. “I will lead you to your temporary quarters. Once you have succeeded in your task, you will be moved to a better room.”

“That’s good. Am I going into my mission solo or duo?”

She tilted her head at me. “Bite-Back operates in units of three.”

“... I’d rather go duo or solo, to be honest with you. I understand that you’ll need someone to gauge my skills, but three people to a stealth job is suicidal.” I said uneasily.

Maud patted my cheek none too gently one time. “You will take two others.”

“I’d rather not.” I maintained.

“I will hit you.” She said flatly.

I took a step back and held my hands palm upwards. “Get hit and live or don’t get hit and die. That sounds like what I’m looking at.”

“What makes you think that the operation will take fewer than three people?” Maud challenged neutrally.

“When it comes to breaking and entering, I’m the best I know of. If I’m only being sent in to retrieve one thing instead of casing a place completely, then there’s no need to have so many possible distractions slash targets. Sending too many people in for a job gets people killed, in my experience.”

Maud’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but that was all the warning I needed to throw myself backwards to avoid getting slapped with actual force. I rolled over my shoulder and onto my feet, but she hadn’t moved beside trying to hit me. “You are fast and your intuition seems to be impeccable. You will choose one other to go with you.”

“I choose Frieda. If she’s vouching for me, then she should be the first one to see what I’m made of.” I said, rising to my feet.

“Denied. Choose another.” Maud commanded in the same monotone she’d been speaking in.

“... Schrade?” I tried.

“Denied.”

I looked around the room, but no one would meet my eye. “... I’m not taking a bloody Minotaur with me.”

“Minotaurs do covert operations, not infiltrations. Choose your partner.”

“... Uh… Do you want to come with me?” I asked.

“Gladly.” Maud nodded, walking toward me. She stopped when she was close enough to offer me her hand.

I let her have my hand, but this time I had no warning before I was flipped landing flat on my back as Maud stood over me. “Ow.” I grunted.

“Do not dodge my slaps.”

“Noted.” I let go of her hand, but she didn’t let me get up and started dragging me away like I was a sack of parsnips. Not potatoes; parsnips. “You know I can walk, right?” I informed, trying to get my balance.

“I am aware of this.”

I whirled around on my arse and let her momentum bring me to my feet, though it was pretty shit on my wrist and shoulder. “Can you let me go now?”

“I could.” She said, leading us to a wall of Minotaurs, Griffins, Pony-people, Werewolves, Cat-people, a fucked up looking Griffin or two that I assumed were Hippogriffs, and a Snake-person.

“... Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Mind if I ask why?”

“I do not want to let go yet.”

“Ah… So…” The wall of people parted and let us through to a door that Maud pushed open, not faltering so much as a step as she lead me away from the unit I’d come with. I had to do a little spin to make her grip not feel like it was about to dislocate my shoulder, and after that I was fine. “Do you do this for all the new recruits?”

“I will lead you to your room, then I will show you my geological finds.” She declared.

“I don’t know what geology is.”

“It is the study of rocks. I have my rocktorate.” Maud bragged. I think.

“That’s interesting. How do you get a rocktorate?”

“You study rocks.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “No shit? How do you study a rock?”

She stopped cold in the hallway and stared at me for a good fifteen seconds. “You appeared more intelligent in the Illusory Hall.”

“I’ve just never heard of studying rocks, I guess.” I chuckled.

“Do you have jewelers in your homeland?” Maud asked.

“Fair enough if you consider gems especially shiny rocks, I suppose.”

She nodded curtly. “Do you want to see my rocks?”

“I’ve gotta admit that I’m curious as to what kind of rocks you’d have if jewels are rocks.” I admitted.

Maud turned and started walking again, my hand enveloping hers, even though she was the one leading the so-called charge. “I only collect the rarest of rocks. Jewels are rarely rare enough to reach my standards.”

“So no granite or basalt for you, eh?” I said, thinking of some common shit that I actually knew something about.

“I have a sample of Ambrose Granite.”

“Ah. What’s that one like?”

“I will explain when you can feel the power for yourself.” Maud said, her voice dipping for that one word. It was weird, hearing her break the monotone for a rock.

“Right. So are you just going to show me your rocks, or are you gonna show me your knickers too?” I teased lightly.

She stopped again and faced me. “Do my undergarments interest you more than my rocks?”

“I don’t really know.” I answered honestly.

“Voice your thoughts.” She demanded.

I didn’t really want to say no since she had a good grip on me and I was pretty sure that pulling a knife on her would end worse for me than her any day. “Well, I’m kinda wondering what kind of rocks a woman like you would bother to collect and I’m half expecting all of your delicates to be monochromatic, so…”

Maud’s cheeks pinked up with such a subtlety that it would’ve been harder to make out if she was less greenish-bluish grey and more... Normal grey, I guess. “Your assumptions and ponderings are interesting.”

She started walking again and I had nothing to say to her at the moment, so we walked on in silence for a couple of minutes until we came to a stop down a random hall that I was never going to remember. “So this is me?” I asked.

“Yes. Do you know how to get here?”

“Not a clue, but I’ll figure it out.” I said, eyeing a couple of sketchy looking passersby.

I heard the old wooden door open and was subsequently dragged inside to find that the place looked like it sucked. It had to be maybe eight feet by seven, meaning that there was nothing else in the room. “As I said earlier, your accommodations will be upgraded when you complete your task.”

“Any chance I could sneak into your room and keep you cozy.” I jibed to make myself feel a little better.

“Boulder keeps me cozy.” Maud answered.

“Boulder? Sorry for overstepping, I didn’t know you had someone.” I apologized.

She tilted her head at me. “Boulder is not a person. Boulder is my pet. I will also show you him.”

“Does he have knickers too?” I asked for the Hell of it.

“No.”

“Figured. It’d be stranger if you gave a pet clothes than giving a Noble a pennic.”

“I will assume that a pennic is a form of currency. Have you studied your temporary accommodations sufficiently?”

I shrugged. “It’s dry and not too chilly. It’ll do whenever the Minotaur I showed up with drops my blankets off.”

“Did you steal them or buy them?” Maud asked.

“I bought them with a five finger discount.” I answered.

“... A five finger discount sounds like stealing.”

“I’m a thief. You shouldn’t have even asked.”

She squeezed my hand and waved down one of the fellows who were casually strolling around. “You there. Come here.”

The bright orange Pony hopped to and sprinted over. “Ma’am!”

“Find Steely and lead him here. He will leave Gauche’s belongings here.” Maud stated more so than… Well, anything really.

“Yes Ma’am! I’ll find him as of yesterday!” The Pony woman said all too loudly.

The Maud Nod happened and the other woman fucked off before the grey pony could even lift her head. Once she was gone, Maud started dragging me away again, so I asked, “Do you do this often?”

“No. It has been a year since I have returned to Minosia.”

“Aren’t you the Underboss here? How do you spend so much time away and keep things running?”

“This is not the Quarter Cell that I was assigned to. I have been called in due to urgent matters.” She deadpanned as per her usual.

“Ah, so you’re a cut above then?”

“I am less effective as a leader than as an Operator. My Consigliere manages my business in Equestria well enough that I am freed to roam.” So there are multiple Consiglieres. Interesting.

“So you’re working another mission here? Is it on a need-to-know basis?” I inquired.

“Yes to both.”

“I can understand that. What’s the mission we’re going on?”

“We will speak on the matter once we reach my chambers.”

“Do you have permanent lodgings here, or are there rooms saved for Bite-Back Officials?”

“There are rooms saved for officials. Rarely do all Underbosses come to one country, so there are generally less than eight rooms reserved.” Maud informed helpfully.

“Ah. So how many Underbosses are there exactly,? Do all of the Quarter Chiefs stay in their Quarter Cell?”

“There are ten of us Underbosses in total. To answer your most probably follow-up question, we are chosen because of special talents or skills. One of the Underbosses can Shadowmeald, and another can fly despite not being one of the winged races. As for the Quarter Chiefs, it is pertinent that they do not leave their Quarters unless their Consigliere and one Underboss are there to help maintain order.”

I took in the intel and focused on the important bit. “... So you practice witchcraft.” I said, quite unnerved since I’d thought that the government was the source of the daemonic workings. I'd thought that Schrade was being metaphorical when he'd said that Droll Day had Magic.

“By witchcraft do you mean Black Magic?”

“All Magic comes from daemons. Wiccans and Etherians be damned.” I said firmly.

Maud turned her head slightly and glanced at me. “The only daemons on Equis are in Tartarus or live in hiding. The are the singularly most hated race on the face of the planet due to their tendencies to lean toward Blood, Dark, and Black Magicks.”

“... So not all Magic comes from daemons here?” I asked carefully.

“No Magic comes from Daemons at all. Daemons do not possess any more innate Magic than a Dog or Cat.”

“Dogs and Cats don’t have Magic?”

“They both have some that augments their senses, but none that can be used actively. Daemons possess an aversive aura that drives most races away, but that is the limit of their Magic, and it does not work on those with more Mana than them.”

“So how does one get Magic?” I asked, still not completely sold on Magic not being the work of daemons.

“Through black sacraments and holy infusions if you were not born with it. Neither are likely if you are speaking of gaining Unicorn Magic. There are other neutral Magicks such as Alicorn Magic, Aetherius Magic, or Umbral Magic, but finding a proper sacrament to recieve any of those would most likely take your soul.”

“Unicorn Magic.” I said ponderously, skipping over the soul-selling thing that she'd literally just said didn't happen.

“Unicorn Magic is the quintessential Magic.” Maud droned. “When one thinks of most Magicks, it is generally cast or under the scope of Unicorn Magic. It happens to be the most neutral form of Magic in existence besides Aetherius and Alicorn Magicks.”

“Alright, so what are some things you can do with Unicorn Magic?”

“Restoration, Transmogrification, Destruction, Illusion, some Alchemy, some Artificery, and a few Runic Magicks all fall under Unicorn and Alicorn Magicks.”

“I know what a Unicorn is, but what’s an Alicorn?”

“You truly do not know what an Alicorn is?” Maud asked.

“I’m still trying to get over the fact that I’ve just seen a room full of monsters from myths and legends here, Lover.”

“... What room of monsters?” She asked, her voice unreadable.

“Look, back on Terra, especially in Avalesce, we’ve got tales of Griffins, a single Minotaur, and Werewolves. They were not friendly creatures in those myths and legends.” I explained.

“... What of Ponies? Did you have tales of them?”

“We had ponies. Like, small horses. We had tales of Unicorn and Pegasi, but neither of those existed.” I chuckled, feeling out of my depth for the first time since I’d touched down in Minosia. It was definitely starting to get to me that I was stuck on a foreign planet with no foreseeable way back home. “Still, even though we had ponies, they walked on four hooves and couldn’t talk as far as I know. The only intelligent race on Terra is the Human race, and it’s been that way since history has been history.”

“That sounds peaceful. A world of a single race-”

“Ha! Maud, Lover, there were three wars going on when I got transported here. Araluen was fighting Laspone, Avalese was pitching in to help Fechere and Guerma stomp out the last of the Rotted, which wasn’t an actual country, but still had enough manpower to be a superpower, and the peaceful nation of Tsuka was at war with Denos. Shit was going sideways on Terra.”

“... Why would a world of a single race be fraught with turmoil?” Maud asked, her voice still not indicating whether or not she even gave a fuck about the thing she was asking about.

“Do you even care?” I asked half-heartedly.

“Very much so.” She gave me the Maud Nod.

“Ah. Then it’s for the same shit I assume every country here wants; land and resources. I mean, Denos was claiming some religious bullshit reason and they were crusading on Tsuka for that, but it was still a grab for land and capital.” I elaborated.

Maud hummed for a few seconds. “How odd. One would think that being the same species would give a sense of unity.”

“Not when you can tell where someone’s from based on the color of their hair, eyes, and skin. There’s a little more that goes into it, but people from different countries might as well have been a different sub-species of the same thing, if you know what I’m trying to get at here.”

“I imagine that it would not be dissimilar to the clan warfare between the Pony races or the infighting between Dog breeds.”

“Why say race for Ponies and breed for Dogs?”

“Dogs are a very aristocratic society based on honor, loyalty, and bloodlines. Purebreds get more respect than Mutts. Contrary to what you might think, Mutts are treated with respect by Purebreds as long as they are not branded as disloyal due to the fact that Pure-Breeding can result in unholy abominations that are put to death before their first day is done. Thus Selective Inter-Breeding has become fashionable, and many Dogs look for mates based on appearances and medical history.”

“Uh… That’s actually just weird.” I replied.

“It may seem weird to you and Motherland Equestrians, but it is common knowledge around the rest of the world.”

“Right. So with all these races, I’m assuming that inter-species relations are fine?”

“Not all of the possible pairings are looked upon with favour. Dogs do not wed Cats, Naga do not wed Dragons, Ponies do not wed most races, and Minotaurs are forbidden from so much as laying with another species, regardless of their feelings.” Maud answered.

“... So do Dragons breathe fire here or…?”

“Most breathe fire, though there are Dragons within Bite-Back that exhale frost, acid, or oddly enough, pudding.”

“... There’s a fuckin’ Dragon that breathes pudding.” I deadpanned.

“The flavour changes depending on her mood.”

“You’re fucking with me.” I replied.

“I am not messing with you.”

“... There’s an honest to goodness scaled beast that breathes pudding?"

“No. It was a joke. I was joking.”

“You’re too good at messing with people, Maud.” I chuckled. “I mean, it’s kinda hard to doubt that a Dragon breathes pudding in a world where they actually exist.”

“You did a good job of doubting me. You should be proud.” She said in the most boring voice I’d heard from her yet.

“I’m sensing that you’re teasing me.”

“What would give you that impression?” Maud queried, stopping to open a door she’d lead us to. It was unassuming, so I didn’t think much of it.

“You somehow got even more monotone when you said that.” I groused playfully.

“I speak with plenty of vocal inflection.” She said before huffing lightly.

“Were you trying to huff? It comes off as pretty disingenuine.” I jested.

She walked through the door and continued dragging me in. I looked around while she said, “That was rude.”

I took in the plain stone walls that were considerably less creepy than the acres of bones that lined the walls of the main halls. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the cutest thing I’ve seen since I’ve been here.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere other than in front of my rock collection.”

“You have lovely eyes.” I chuckled. “They remind me of Lake Loch Lago; the way the clear waters had that celadon coloration to them. Not too many people knew where it was.” There’s supposed to be a monster in that lake, but I barely had time to amuse myself with that thought before Maud was in my face.

“That color. Name it again.” She demanded loudly, though still in a single tone.

“... Celadon? It was my favourite Nun’s favourite colour.” I said slowly.

Maud squeezed my hand and laid her free hand on my chest. “I have been searching for someone, anyone, to name that color without aid. I have heard turquoise, green, blue, and hazel, but never celadon. You are the only one in twenty-seven years to correctly name the color of my eyes without lecherous intent.”

“... Do I get a slice of cake or something?” I japed mildly, cracking a little grin.

She patted my chest. “I did not think anyone would know what color my eyes were. This is an odd circumstance.” Maud continued gazing into my eyes, but I couldn’t see beyond the surface; couldn’t judge whether she was going to kill me or fuck me.

I took a deep breath. “So… Are you gonna kiss me or kill me?”

“I will show you many special rocks.” She stated. “Very rare rocks.”

“Fantastic.” I gave her a smile.

She didn’t move.

“... Maud?” I asked, giving her hand a little squeeze just in case she was lost in the Heavens or the Wild Blue Yonder. “Are we gonna look at rocks or…?”

“We will look at rocks.” She said.

She still didn’t move.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I gave her a peck on the cheek to see if she’d let me. Short story even shorter, she did, though she smelled like chocolate and marshmallows. Her face turned rosy and she Maud Nodded before turning away and leading me over to a series of glass cases that held a lot of different rocks that, for the most part, all looked different. The details of what all she said about those rocks doesn’t really bear repeating unless you find yourself with a knife at your throat and geology is the only way you’re going to get out alive. It was interesting to see Maud get so relatively excited over something so mundane as granite that was blue instead of orange, but other than that, I would’ve had more fun looking through her undies, as awkward as that would have been.

Author's Note

And here goes Chapter Two. I really enjoy writing for characters like MAud because imagining them as they verbally stonewall my smooth-talking protagonists is just great.

Fun Fact: While Maud is an established character in MLP already, she's based off of Beige from A Thief's Tale, but a little less dead inside. I like the idea of a possible love interest being so hard to decipher for the main character that it creates a certain kind of fascination. Rad Swags.

Chapter Three: Trouble In Bonetown

Chapter Three: Trouble in Bonetown

I watched on as Garrison was bored by the incessant droning that was Maud’s Lecture Mode, but I knew that he would have been far more bored listening to Twilight. However, my main focus was on my newly minted Knight, though the Maximi have little trouble keeping an eye on everything in their universe simultaneously anyway. I just couldn’t help but be fascinated by the advent of Magic into a life that wasn’t unlike my mortal journey, but my main concern was that my Knight, my Chosen, was going to be taken off of my board before I could get another move in. Iry-Hor advised me to stay relatively hands-off with him when I asked, so I switched to Twilight to see what she was doing.

The purple Pony Princess stood on the balcony adjacent to her room and leaned against the railing, looking out over Ponyville as she watched her subjects mill about, carrying out last minute errands and returning to their homes as the Sun lead the charge into the night. For the thirty-first time in the past ten hours, Twilight sighed and worked her jaw, still unhappy with the way things had turned out with the strange man she’d met. Garrison had been kind to her and Twilight felt as though he was trying to protect her out of some familial affection rather than any manner of duty or obligation, but she just didn’t know why she felt like he was her brother or something.

“There’s something about that stallion.” She muttered to herself for the sixth time since she’d woken up in Equestria. “... It couldn't have just been random chance.”

She wasn’t wrong, but who was I to say anything? It wasn’t in my current agenda to tell Twilight that Gauche was supposed to have gone to Equestria with her in the first place, though I was a little pissed about that part of my plan falling through. It irritated to no end that Luna had intervened so early and had essentially cut off further bonding between my Knight and my Bishop, which I found to be quite rude. The yeast infection I gave her was a mild punishment for fucking with my mad strats, but I would happily claim a leg if she screwed with me again.

Asides aside, Twilight wrapped up her bout of brainstorming and headed inside to see if she could have a word with Celestia, so she got a quill and some paper before writing out a letter to her former mentor and lifelong role model. Once she’d gotten the situation explained down to the most minute detail since Luna hadn’t really let her talk to Celestia before shipping her off to Ponyville, Twilight sent the note off and waited for a reply. She got a reply, but it came in the form of a tall white mare with a pastel rainbow for a mane instead of off-white paper and some smelly ink.

“Good evening, Twilight.” Celestia said, her voice soothing and motherly. “I’m sure you’d rather have this conversation in person.”

Twilight was dumbstruck for all of a single second before she popped out of her seat. “Y-Yes! I wasn’t expecting you to come for a visit, but sure!”

Celestia wore a metaphorical mask to quell the amused smile she always felt like wearing whenever she was around Twilight. “Twilight, we’re equals in rank now. You don’t have to agree with everything I do, and before you do it, you don't have to apologize. It’s fine.”

The purple mare blushed and I got a chuckle out of it. In most Parallels, Twilight sucks up to Celestia like a sweeper just based on the girl-crush alone. “R-Right… So do you think you can help me?”

“I would like to believe so, yes. Tell me, what was this ‘Gauche’ like?”

Twilight felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered her cynical protector. “He… He wasn’t very trusting of anypony, but… Well, you have to meet him to understand what he feels like. It’s like he puts off a pseudo-demonic aura that just makes you feel like he’s watching over you whenever he’s around, and he was obviously smart, just not conventionally, you know? I think he was smart like Applejack rather than me or one of the other CSFGU (Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns) alumni. There was this Minotaur who apparently came looking for us while Gauche and I were looking for a place to settle and start working on a way to get us home, but he said that the Minotaur had a massive sword and that he wasn’t willing to ask him for directions. I didn’t understand why Gauche was so suspicious at the time…”

“But you can hazard a guess?” Celestia finished.

Twilight nodded a few times. “I can’t think of a single good reason why somepony would be walking around with a weapon drawn unless they planned on intimidating somepony.”

I already knew Twilight was naive, but I didn't think she was actually stupid quite yet.

“It sounds like this Gauche was quite streetwise. What did he say his occupation was?”

“Um… I think he said he was a repossession specialist.”

“So he’s a thief.”

“... Is that what that means?”

“I would call it a nice way of saying that one is a thief with the information I have of him, yes. Tell me, where did Gauche take you when you were in Minosia?” Celestia asked, trying to build a better picture of the incident since she didn’t have the full story.

“He didn’t really take me anywhere. We both looked around for an inn, and after I disguised myself, we found one together. Gauche was every bit as lost as I was.”

“What makes you certain of this, Twilight?”

The youthful Princess’s eyes fell to the floor. “... Because it’s my fault that he’s in Minosia in the first place.”

“... I need you to elaborate on that, Twilight.”

Twilight shuffled her hooves. “W-Well, I was performing a summoning spell that would bring me a pony with a high aptitude for learning and Magic, but when I went to put the ingredients in the rune circle, I think the powdered Alicorn hadn’t been fully drained and it turned the summoning spell into a Banish-Bring Me spell.”

“Did this Gauche have anything to say about where he was from?”

“He said he came from a country called Avalesce and that he’d never heard of Equestria or Minosia.”

That raised a handful of red flags for Celestia. “... He’d never heard of two of the largest countries on the face of Equis?”

“He didn’t know who you were either.” Twilight said softly. “I’m pretty sure I accidentally pulled Gauche from another world and now he’s all alone without a single friend to look out for him-”

“Twilight, it might be for the best that you and Gauche parted ways. Rarely have thieves ever made it to old age, and it’s not because they have heart attacks before their time.” Celestia said comfortingly.

For once in her life, Twilight glared at Celestia. “Did you just tell me to leave a friend behind?”

“Some ponies don’t make good friends, Twilight. It’s nothing against Gauche-”

“I’d rather like to think that it is something against Gauche! You taught me from the day you sent me to Ponyville to the day I became a Princess that the Magic of Friendship can overcome anything, and if Gauche isn’t as nice as he appeared to be, then I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that Friendship can make him a nicer guy!”

Celestia, a multi-millennia old being, backed down to her own student. “You trust this Gauche stallion a lot, don’t you?”

“I do, and I owe him a good life since I took his away from him. I can’t make him happy if he’s not here.” Twilight said firmly.

“... Twilight, even if Gauche is streetwise, he’s going to need more than knowledge from a different world to survive in Minosia. By the time we find him-”

“I know what you’re going to say and that’s why I’m going to keep sending Gauche letters through Spike to make sure he knows that somepony out there cares about him!”

That had little to nothing to do with what Celestia was about to say, but she let it go nonetheless. “As you wish, Twilight. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“If he can find a Teleportation Station, could we grant him citizenship?”

“If his blood belongs to another country, then it would be a difficult process-” Celestia started.

“I’ll do all the paperwork, I just need your seal of approval! I’ll vouch for Gauche until Luna learns how to square dance, Celestia, but you’re the one who could get him into Equestria, guaranteed.”

The ancient woman pondered her choices for a few seconds before coming to a conclusion that would have taken most philosophers ages to come to. “If you’re willing to put so much trust into this stallion, then I suppose I should allow you to learn from this. If you can find Gauche, I promise you that I’ll grant him citizenship in Equestria, regardless of my apprehensions.”

“Oh, thank you, Princess! I highly doubt that this will come back to bite me!”

I looked at Twilight, and then at Celestia before laughing. Nothing nice ever stays that way for long, no matter how nice I try to keep things. In any case, I turned my attention back to Garrison as he was sleeping in his nest of blankets, cozied up nice and warm for the day while the same three Bite-Backers strolled the hall to make sure he didn’t go anywhere. I found it more than just pointless since Garrison would have no logical way of getting out of The Catacombs without knowing the right path, and the illusory nature of The Catacombs meant that he would likely get himself into the Holding Cells before he made it anywhere close to an exit.

I shook my head and turned my attention back to the rest of the universe, though it’s not like my performance slipped at all while I was checking up on my two favourite pieces on the board. Twilight was doing what she needed to be doing and Gauche was safe enough for me to not reset and try again, so with that, I let the world turn as it pleased and got back to making the six hundred and sixty-five other Gods bow down to my strength.

Some days I miss Sh’ Ara. Most days I’m just glad that no one dares come after me anymore.

❖☬❖

I woke up with a stiff neck and a rumbling stomach, but there were worse ways to start the day, in my opinion, and I had some hardtack and jerky in some of my pouches anyway, so I wasn’t exactly starved. However, I didn’t feel like going back to sleep and I was tired of staying in one place already, so I left the room pretty casually and waited around for someone to come walking down the hall. The first person I saw was a Minotaur, so I said fuck that and waited for a Griffin to come around.

“Heya! You there!” I called out as the fellow was coming closer to me.

“Yeah? What is it?” He answered grumpily.

“Where do I go for a real bite around here?” I asked.

“You go topside if you want something decent, Bub. Otherwise you got stew, soup, or leaves.”

“Stew will do. Where do I go for that?”

“... It’s not like I’m doin’ shit. I’ll take you to the Mess Hall, but if Underboss Maud or Division Head Cleft come around, then it’s been a couple of days since you’ve had a warm meal and you need something on your stomach.”

“It’s not exactly a lie there, Bruv. Last real meal I had was a couple of days ago.”

“Ah. Right. Guess we better get moving then.” He shrugged and started walking away.

“Heya! What’s your name, Bruv?” I asked politely.

“Name’s Marrak. If the name sounds weird to you, then it’s because it’s a Great Sands tag, courtesy of dear old Dad.” Marrak huffed.

“Was your dad a mountain lion with a taste for eagle ass?”

“No, he was a lecherous eagle with no stamina and no problem swooping down on a house cat.” Marrak chuckled.

“My Dad was a farmer. The only thing he knew how to do was plow fields and eat.” I laughed in turn, though I never actually knew my Dad.

“Was he an actual farmer?”

“No, he was some pumped up Aristocunt with a penchant for slumming it.”

“So a swooper like my old man?”

“If that’s the word for it, then yeah.”

He tapped my shoulder with his fist. “Not exactly a common story around these parts. Minotaurs claim all their kids since they only lay with the one they marry.”

“Lucky them, I guess.” I replied drily.

“Shit, I’d rather stay a bastard than have a Minotaur father. Half of these moo-brained udder-dunkers can barely tighten a screw, let alone whip it out to piss.”

“That’s racist.”

“So?”

“Bitch, do I look like a tailor?”

Marrak gave me a funny look before he burst out laughing. “Aw Tartarus, where’d you get that one?”

“Made it up on the fly.”

“Aw man, don’t get killed too early, alright? Bite-Back needs more people with an actual sense of humour.”

“I’ve made it twenty-some odd years without getting killed until I died to death. Here’s hoping I can double it and pass my life expectancy.”

“How long are you supposed to live?”

“I was probably supposed to die yesterday or earlier today, so I’m on borrowed time that I can’t pay back.” I snorted and barked out a laugh. “So what’s your ‘special talent’? What got you down here?”

“Ah, I’m one of the Great Sands holdovers. A lot of my squad retired to the deserts to help Queen Bast keep her throne since her sugar daddy husband croaked a couple of years back.”

“... You mean Bite-Back placed a figurehead in power?”

“What? No, it’s just that Bast is a Cat of the people, just like King Saladin used to be. Higher taxes for useless Nobles, lower taxes for Ny-Li farmers, more standing guards than standing soldiers; the works, man. Queen Bast is a Molly like no other.” Marrak clicked his beak trice in a rapid staccato of approval, I assumed.

“And what about King Herodotus?”

“That jackass? If he doesn’t grind Minosia into a wasteland while trying to fight Equestria, then he’s going to get half of overage populace killed in a war with Bast and the Cats. The Naga would pitch in to claim the deserts for their own scaly asses, but Minotaurs under Herodotus’ rule don’t have many friends outside of Minosia. Tartarus, man, just ask some of the elder smiths or tale-spinners; they’ll tell you that Minosia used to be a force to be reckoned with; a real Leviathan. Now? Now most places in Minosia are so broke that it’s going to take a full flip on the Noble script to get the economy right. Herodotus and Zeus, his father, ran Minosia into the toilet and didn’t remember to flush before sticking their own country face-first into brackish water.”

“... I need to go kill that guy.” I said plainly.

Marrak tapped my shoulder again. “Good luck on that one, man. The furthest we know anyone’s gotten was the second floor, and we’re talking about fifteen stories here.”

“They weren’t me.” I popped my neck and tried to ease the itching in my fingers as I thought of all the possible infiltration routes that I could use, but in the end, I decided that going in from the ground level was a bad idea. I needed to get in and get out fast, and I knew a good way to do just that, Furladra willing.

“Hey, if Cleft catches you talking like that, she’ll throw you at the walls solo.” Marrak warned quietly.

I flipped my hood back to give him a look. “I’ve cased castle's before, and I’m pretty sure that the ruler of Fechere was paranoid enough to catch a proficient thief at a whim. I stole rings right off that man’s fingers, Marrak. I get in, I get out, the job gets done.”

“Oh really?” A female voice said from a hall we’d just passed. Marrak and I turned to see what I assumed was a female Minotaur walking up to us, and when he layed eyes on her, Marrak clapped a fist over his heart.

“Division Head Cleft! Glad to see you got out of Iron Shell alive.” Marrak said nervously.

She grimaced and rubbed a large, fresh looking scar on her exposed shoulder. “Fuck that Tartarushole. Next time, Maud’s going.” I chuckled at that and she glared at me, but she wasn’t as scary as Maud for some reason. “Think something’s funny, calf?” She snarled.

“The idea of a Minotaur sending a Pony into a shithole sounds ridiculous. I would’ve thought that you big bastards would want the glory of the hunt for yourselves.” I answered calmly.

“I don’t like you.” Cleft growled.

“I find that how much someone likes me coincides directly with how much they like anal.” I replied, earning myself a stiff elbow from Marrak.

“You must be new.” the Division Head said, her voice getting chilly. “I’m going to warn you once; keep it up with the flyboy bullshit and I’ll kill you.”

“Gotta catch me ya filthy animal.” I leaned into the latter part of the sentence extra hard to add to the levels of disrespect. “So far, you’re just a pumped up sow that happens to demand respect before giving any, so you can go fuck yourself.”

“You’re already dead.” She said, her voice ice cold.

“NANI!?” A voice shouted from the ceiling.

Everyone in the hall looked up. “... What the fuck was that?” I asked.

❖☬❖

I couldn’t resist. She set me up for it, dammit!

❖☬❖

“No clue, but run.” Marrak whispered fiercely.

Cleft turned to me and started walking in my direction. “Last words, meat sack?”

“Say hello to your ancestors for me after they get done making fun of you.” I stalked toward her at my own pace as shouts and cries from the few passersby in the halls gathered as many people as possible to watch their boss get killed.

Cleft bore her teeth and me and lowered her stance for a charge that was so obvious, it made my left kidney ask if it should just detach and wither away just to give her some sort of advantage. It was a little funny to see a brute force kind of fighting style from someone who was supposed to be a single rank below Maud, but then again, I never equated rank to worth other than monetary value. I’d met a lot more soldiers and rangers that were worth their weight in salt than officials who were worth a damn, so I dropped into my own stance and tried to loosen up and calm down while keeping the blood in my veins boiling so I could strike fast and hard. I knew for a fact that I wasn’t about to knock her out, and it was even less likely that she would let me get a few hits off and call it a day, so the moment Cleft started her charge, I took a lazy step forward, and as she was closing the distance, I made my move.

I swayed out of the way of Cleft’s charge and used the gifts Daelus had given my to stab her in the middle of her lower back. The former Division Head gave an agonizing cry while my wrist-blade got wedged between the vertebrae in her spine, pulling me down with her and forcing the blade deeper when I fell on top of her. Cleft’s bellows of pain turned into pitiful pleas for help before I could rip my blade out of her bleeding form, but when I did, she seized and spasmed on the floor, so I showed some mercy since I’m not a cold-blooded bastard and shoved the same blade into the base of her skull to end her suffering.

The fight wasn’t over, however. Multiple shouts of pure rage sounded and my stomach felt like it was trying to tie itself into knots, so I got away from Cleft’s prone form and drew the knife I’d traded for a silver tiara a year or two ago since the wrist-blades weren’t really meant for actual combat. I had a funny feeling that my life was about to come to an end again and I was slowly becoming more and more sure that some cosmic power was fucking with me as the first bull charged me. I slit his throat as he passed since it was a wild, slowish charge and he stumbled, but I still had more things to worry about. My instincts told me to dodge right, so I hopped to the right and caught a dropkick to the side, which was a lot better than getting hit by the sword that was swung at me. I rolled and scurried to my feet before hitting a bony wall with four more combatants closing in on me. There was another Minotaur wielding a large baton, a Pony with the sword from earlier, and two Griffins who were sharpening their claws as they all lurked closer and closer, cutting off my escape routes.

I had second to think of a winning plan and had a decent one in moments. With bravado gushing through my veins, I turned the tables on the Bull-man and charged him, which he was evidently not expecting since I managed to slip into his guard faster than he could react and stab him in the throat. As the strength was leaving his body, the fucker had the wherewithal to grab me, costing me three deep gashes in my side, courtesy of some dickish Griffin with no honor. Since they wanted to play dirty, I threw off the metaphorical gloves (I kept the ones I was wearing on) and stabbed the Minotaur where it would hurt the most; the family jewels.

He let go immediately to nurse his ruined cock-n-balls, giving me time to get some distance between me and the first Griffin, though he kept up the pressure while his female kin circled around behind me. The Pony-woman was just standing off to the side for the time being, so I suddenly dived toward her and got to my feet, backing toward her, waiting for my instincts to tell me to duck. The feeling in my stomach came right on time, so I hit the deck before kicking one of her legs out from underneath her and scrambling to shove one of my hidden blades into her eye. With her taken care of, I had to wrench my blade out of her eye socket, which cost me another series of gashes on my upper arm that sucked lots and lots because it hit fucking bone. I didn’t have much of a chance to dodge the next swing, but I still managed to grab the Pony’s sword and gut the female Griffin like a hog in a single lucky swing, finally getting myself free of the Pony-woman’s face. When I got up, the male Griffin was backing away, and that pissed me off.

“Heya cowardly cunt! Fuckin’ what now!? Thought you were tough shit when ya hadja buddies about, dintcha!? Fuckin’ thoughtcha’d gang up on one guy ‘cause yer fuckin’ weak, pathetic scum.” I bore my teeth at him, my lips trembling. “Fuckin’ join ‘em, coward. Die today; fight me one-on-fuckin’-one like a fuckin’ man! Are you some kinda rat with wings or what? Nah, nah, a rat got more honor than you and these dead pieces a’ shit. You ain’t worth shit. Fuckin’ none these bodies worth shit. So yeah, bitch. Come on. Make. My. Gods. Damned. Day.” I seethed.

There were a lot more people in the hall now, and there was no escape from the killing floor I’d laid out. The Griffin tried to run through the crowd, but with the adrenaline coursing through my system, he never stood a chance of not getting chased down by me and taken to the ground. I didn’t count how many time I stabbed him, but he was as dead as the rest of his friends when I stopped and got up, panting heavily and bleeding like a stuck pig. I looked around the circle of people, huffing and puffing while I tried to stay conscious. It was a harder task that one might think, and I wasn’t too sure about whether or not I should sit and avoid knocking my head on something for a quick death or to prop myself up on something for a significantly slower one.

I like doing things the hard way sometimes.

I sat up against a wall not too far from where Cleft’s cadaver lay and counted five more. I’d technically killed two units and one extra, and I was pretty sure that it didn’t matter how good I was in a fight; I broke rank and probably just killed some veteran operatives or some shit, but at the moment, I couldn't really care less about anything other than taking a good nap, so when I closed my eyes, I half expected it to be for the last time.

❖☬❖

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I know it sure as fuck wasn’t waking up in a soft bed with warm blankets and a source of person shaped heat next to me. My ribs and arm ached like the wounds were fresh, and when I checked the bandages around said wounds, they seemed to be doing their job pretty well, all things said and done. I was curious as to who deigned it worth their time to nap next to me, but then I smelled chocolate and marshmallow and the jig was up. I knew Maud liked me for some odd reason, but I wasn’t sure why she would let me into her bed after I killed six of Bite-Back’s members.

I laid in bed, thinking about what life was already turning out to be on this weird fucking planet, trying to make sense of it all. I mean, in less than a full week, I’d managed to help a Princess escape a hostile nation, got recruited by a sketchy shadow organization, caught the eye of one of the highest ranking officials in said organization, and ended up killing a lot of people because one woman didn’t like one little chuckle. It’s crazy to think how life can go one way one moment, then flip its shit completely and leave you with blood on your hands and bodies on the floor. I didn’t like what had happened, but I accepted it for what it was and tried to avoid hoping too hard in general.

The pain in my side made it hurt to breathe, so I just suffered in silence until I heard and felt Maud start stirring beside me. “Morning sleeping beauty.” I said softly to avoid having to take a deeper breath.

“It had better not be morning.” Maud monotoned. I heard a clasp open and close in the space of a few seconds. “It is night. This is good.”

“Does that mean someone’s going to hit me with a willow poultice so I’m not constantly reminded of getting messed up by that fuck-faced Griffin?”

“His name was Geoffrey, and willow does not work as well as Katarain. I will apply the poultice momentarily.”

“You’re the best, Mauddie.” I sighed.

“That is an affectionate pet name.” She said blandly.

“It’s better than Mauble.”

“... Mauble.”

“Like marble. Because you like rocks.” I answered.

“... That is sickeningly cute. Do not call me that in public.” I felt her get off of the bed, so I tried sitting up only to learn that doing so was like licking a lime, which is to say that it soured my day.

“How old did you say you were again? I think someone might be trying to teach Granny how to suck eggs.”

“Why would Nana Pie try to suck an egg?”

“Have you ever tried it?”

“I cannot think of a reason why I would suck an egg.”

“Next time you have an egg, suck on it for a little bit. Nana Pie could use some company.”

The lights flipped on and I was blinded for a moment, but it was all well and good after a few seconds. While my eyes were adjusting, Maud said, “I visit Nana more often than my favoured younger sister. I’m sure she has enough company with my older and youngest sister living at home.”

I rubbed my eyes to clear a bit more of the sleep from them before looking at Maud. For no discernible reason whatsoever, my nose started bleeding a few seconds after I laid eyes on her. I wonder (And still do every now and again.) if it was because of the sheer shock of having Maud wear such skimpy, revealing clothing to bed. With me. I mean, I’ve had sex. Sheepskin is a man’s best friend and all, but still. The only time I ever see women wear what Maud was wearing was in a brothel, and I had to say that despite being a different species entirely, she looked better than most of the high-shilling tarts I’d run into. I took in the sheer material that let one see the intricate, well put together designs of her undergarments, but my attention was shunted from the clothes to her figure in mere moments. Maud had hips to hold onto at night, and her thighs were incredibly nice to look at, even if they weren’t a normal skin color. I honestly tried not to stare, so I peeled my eyes away and tried to stop myself from bleeding all over Maud’s bed.

“Do you often get nosebleeds?” Maud asked.

“First one in a few years.” I said, making a point of it to get my aching arse off of the bed onto the easily washed stone floor.

“I would not mind a little blood on my linens. A spray of stain remover would take care of it.” She informed.

My back was to her now, so I had to speak up, which also sucked. “Still. I’d rather save you the trouble if I can.”

“You murder six members of Bite-Back in one of the bloodiest fights many of the Minosian Members have seen and you worry about bleeding on my things?”

“It’s not murder when it’s self defense.” I protested weakly, my strength waning with every breath.

“I was there for your assault on Geoffrey.”

“Fucker should’ve just let Cleft make her mistake and pay for it herself.” I grunted.

“Marrak tells me that you started the fight.” Maud said, her voice coming from behind me on my right side.

“I didn’t start shit. Cleft said that she was sending you in on a mission next time and I chuckled. I didn’t insult her until she tried intimidating me.”

Maud came to sit beside me on the edge of the bed and started unwrapping my arm. “Cleft always was sensitive about being laughed at.”

“I wasn’t laughing at her. I was laughing at the thought of a Minotaur passing up on a chance to make a name for themselves. They just strike me as a proud race.”

“Which is why Cleft, Darius, and Klon are all dead.”

“I guess so. Whatever happened to a regular one-on-one? I mean, Bite-Back is looking to be full of hotheads and cowards at the moment, Maud. One of the Division Heads, a woman with lives in her hands, died because of a chuckle, and six of her friends died because of that same damn awkward exhalation. This all could have been avoided if Cleft wasn’t a snowflake.” I grumbled irritably.

Maud finished unwrapping my arm and jammed her thumb into the laceration in the middle, making me gasp and try to pull away from her. “You will not speak ill of Cleft. She was a good woman, though foalish.”

“She was going to fucking kill me. That’s not a good enough reason to talk shit?”

“No.”

“I’ll stick my thumb up your nose, woman.”

“I will break that entire hand.”

“Good thing I didn’t say anything about the willy.”

“... The willy.”

“Yeah, I don’t want you breaking that.”

“I assume that you mean your penis.” Maud said, her cheeks slightly pinkened.

“Yup. Unless you have a runny nose, I don’t think either of us are going to get anything out of it.”

“I do not want to have your penis in my nose.” Maud said, her blush growing steadily.

“So where would you rather- YEEEEOW! Fucking SHITE!” I yelled, Maud’s thumb making my life suck a little more.

“I am sorry. You were saying?” She asked drolly.

“I liked you better when you were all misty-eyed over me knowing that your eyes were celadon and you were showing me your rock collection.”

“Would you like to go over the collection again?”

“... Can we pick your top five favourites and go from there?” I asked, hoping to burn a little time.

“You do not want to go over the collection again.”

“Not all of it at once, no. That’s a rock to take in, you know. It’s like a landslide of information, and I think it’ll leave a better streak if we chip away at the veritable boulder of facts you have concerning your collection. We can always do Mohs as we go-” My pun barrage was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Maud’s lips on mine, though the only reason I knew about half of those puns was because of her monologue about rocks.

It was a surprisingly passionate-though-tender kiss coming from a woman who had a hard time showing emotion, and it was downright tasty. Her breath smelled like toasted marshmallow and her lips tasted exactly like Salal chocolates; one of my favourite things to steal, dating back to the day I started nicking to keep my stomach full. Something about the unique combination of the sweets made me feel more at ease, less pained by my wounds while the shock was fading into an eagerness to reciprocate Maud’s little gift. I didn’t quite get my fill before Maud pulled away, her face a florid shade that just served to make her seem that much cuter. I still couldn't get a read on her, but I figured that taking her hand was a good move to make.

She let me have her hand and looked at the contact before squeezing my hand. “Your puns were perfect.”

I gave her an odd look before I started chuckling and wincing because of said chuckles. “How many more puns do I have to come up with for another kiss like that?”

Maud wouldn’t meet my eye, though her voice remained as steady as ever. “Try another.”

“Wow, with all this heat and pressure, I think I might metamorphosize. I don’t know if I have many more rock puns, but I’ll let you know when I strike diamonds.”

Maud turned toward me and what I saw on her face was legendary; she smiled. A little. It was more of a grin than a smile, but still. Her lips curved upwards. “Good enough.”

The second kiss was more relaxed than the first one, but that didn’t mean it was any less pleasant, though Maud jolted when I tried to slip her a little tongue. “What? Not used to a little tongue action?” I teased.

Her blush still hadn’t fully faded, but it probably wasn’t going anywhere soon. “I have never heard of using one’s tongue to kiss.”

“I’ll knock it off if it bothers you.”

“... We will try again.”

And so we did.

Which is how I learned that a Pony tongue can reach past your tonsils.

Author's Note

Short chapter is short. I don't think many of them are going to be this... Short, but it's not like I decided to make it the length that it is. It was just time to end the shit.

Chapter Four: Doin' Dirt

Chapter Four: Doin’ Dirt

It took me a few days and a lot of Maud’s poultice for my wounds to heal, but that was considerably faster than they would have healed up in Avalesce. It was absolutely astounding to feel the insatiable fucking itch that came on the second and third days because I never knew something could ever feel like not scratching it would make me want to rip my face off. It was hellish in the worst of ways, and there’s nothing that would make those days interesting because it was mostly just Maud feeding me a sleeping tea so that I wouldn’t rip my bandages off and tear my wounds apart. It was good sleep, and on the fifth day of me healing up, the itch was bearable and Maud let me go get some real food instead of the nutrition smoothie she’d been feeding me.

She’d yet to say anything about what she wanted from me, but it was understood in The Catacombs that I was under her wing. When I got to the Mess Hall and met up with Frieda, Schrade, and Steely, they were keen to make me well aware of that. Schrade saw me first when I came into the massive chamber and called out, “Well, well, well! If it isn’t our murderous thief! Come have a bite, Gauche!”

Frieda caught my eye and waved me over, but I was already walking toward them after I’d located Schrade. “If it isn't Maud's little Boy-Toy! How are you feeling, Bud?” She called across the chatter in the room.

“Minotaurs and Griffins are competing for my least favourite race at the moment.” I called back. “Why is it that Ponies seem so nice compared to you sharp and brutish fucks?”

The three of them laughed at that and so did a few of the people that heard me, but I’d caught the attention of a guy who’d been next to me when I said that. He tapped my arm before I could pass him and I stopped. “What’s up, Bruv?”

The Pony guy gave me an up-nod. “Wanted to talk to you. Ask for Brutal Bash later when you have a free moment.”

I looked at the brown-coated, tan-maned, well-sculpted fellow. “Sure thing, Bruv. Any reason why?”

“Gotta give you your cut of the swag you brought in with you and give you back your gear. I’m tellin’ you now that you lost a little over a thousand Minosian drachs since Bite-Back pays for people getting killed.” Bash explained.

I gave him a hearty frown. “Bullshit since I didn’t start that fight, but that’s not on your head, so I’m not about to complain to you about it. Helps to chalk it up as payment for the healing though.”

He nodded. “That’s what Quarter-Chief Odysseus declared it as, but everyone knows better. If you want your money back, you can feel free to Fistifuss with him for it, but, and I’m giving you fair warning here, Odysseus kills people in one hit, and he’s faster than me. I’m faster than you. Do the math on that one yourself.”

I raised a brow. “Am I going to owe you for this info, or what?”

“I already looked over that dagger of yours, so we’re straight.” Bash said like that was supposed to mean something.

“Why’d my dagger catch your eye? Thesuvian Steel isn’t that interesting.”

He raised a brow in turn. “I’m the Small-Arms Instructor. Your blade tasted blood and that got my attention. I maintain most of the weapons around here, and patterned steel like yours is something that few enough people bother with when it comes to small-arms. Our Minotaur Smiths might make the occasional Stroma style knife, but they’re always sold as showpieces: They never see actual combat since they’re more valuable to dumb Nobles than real knife wielders since we’ll use just about anything that’s well made, keeps an edge, and isn’t too hard on the hands.”

“Understandable, but Thesuvian slash Stroma style stuff is just superior to single-layer steel period. Keeps an edge better, doesn’t reflect light as consistently, and I’ve caught a claymore with my knife before: layered steel is a lot more durable than you might be giving it credit for.” I replied, invested in the conversation since we were talking about something interesting.

“So you’d rather spring for something marginally better than another thing just because of that margin?” Bash asked skeptically.

“That margin matters when you’re living by the skin of your teeth.” I said wisely. I can call myself wise because you don’t see past twenty-five in Capersport unless you catch some wisdom.

“Fair enough. I’m gonna start eating again.” He said casually.

I looked at the plants and fruits on his plate. “Here’s hoping that it’s not all leafy greens in here.”

The unenslaved brown guy went back to eating his meal freely without anyone watching him and I reminded myself that I was on a different planet. It was weird to me. I’ve never liked slavery, but it’s a fact of life, and seeing someone darker than a Denosian not be in shackles chains was like me walking through a shop and not thinking about raiding the register. It made me wonder how Mothica was doing as a country, but I doubted that it was ever going to stop selling off its own people to pay for what-the-fuck-ever warship/airship they were building next. I didn’t dwell on it too long before grabbing some food from the serving station and joining Schrade and his crew.

When we were finished eating, the conversation started up with Frieda asking, “So where in Tartarus’ hot pits did you learn to fight like that? I’ve never seen such unorthodox moves from someone that wasn’t an instructor.”

I gave her a dull look. “You get good at fighting when you get tired of getting your arse handed to you on a silver platter. I knew of a few guys that weren’t worth wasting my life on, but for the most part, I’m self-taught.”

Schrade nodded. “Training you would make you even better.”

“I don’t like being trained. Most people who want to train me are assholes.” I replied flippantly.

The Cell Leader gave me a dull look. “I hope that wasn’t a jab at me.”

“Do you think you could take me?” I asked.

“Without a doubt. You’re unarmed right now.” He said. “Without those little wrist blades and your knife, I doubt you can hit hard enough to put someone down.”

I gave him a fucked up look because I happen to be around a hundred and eighty pounds and nearly, if not a little over, six feet tall. “What kind of Helix Root have you been smoking? Just because I aimed for kills in that little scrap doesn’t mean I don't know how to floor someone without shedding blood.”

“You’re pretty cocky.” Schrade commented flatly.

“What part of ‘I back it up’ do you not understand? Did you think I’d manage to take down six of your trained Bite-Back fucks solo when you met me?” I asked.

Steely bellowed out a laugh. “Ah, it’s great to hear you get countered, Schrade. You might not have seen the fight personally, but I did! Our friend here is faster than you.”

Schrade spread his claws. “He doesn’t have built in knives.”

“It must suck to wank off when you can’t grab your micro-peen without cutting it off.” I said frostily.

Schrade gave me a dull look. “If I challenged you to hand-to-hand combat-”

“Schrade, shut up.” Frieda sighed. “If you contested for CQC and said that Gauche couldn’t use weapons, you’d be a laughing stock. That’s like asking an Earth Pony to fight you barehanded.”

Schrade colored. “Earth Ponies have their own strengths. It would be fair enough.”

Frieda looked at him with zero patience. “The jealous fledgling act is pathetic, Boss. Gauche is good. Get over it.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” He sniffed.

I rolled my eyes. “Believe that I live up to my talk when I finish my mission with Maud tonight. I’m pretty sure she’s just coming to observe, so if anything, you can trust her word.”

Schrade just shook his head and left the table, so I turned to Frieda and asked, “Alright, what’s his deal?” I looked at Steely. “He was as cool as watercress yesterday, and now he’s saltier than Sure Death Sea.”

Frieda scoffed. “He’s just mad that you’ve, one, caught my eye, two, caught Maud’s, and three, managed to handle three more people at once than he could. Schrade’s great at fighting the races smaller than Naga, but he can’t do what you did, and that makes him jealous. It doesn’t really help that you two are alike in more ways than one.”

Steely chuckled. “Schrade is an upset child. He will like you after you trounce him.”

“Steely, you’re stupid.” The former hooker said factually. “If they actually went at it and Gauche won, Schrade would kill him for it.”

“Ah. Prideful like that, eh?” I asked.

“He’s not a bad guy, just touchy sometimes.” Frieda defended. “Still. I’d appreciate it if you took the high road when it comes to dealing with my dumbass, feather-brained cousin.”

“He’s a distant cousin, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I still think incest is weird. Gryphus-born Griffins and Dogs are weird like that.”

Steely nodded. “Bloodlines are encouraged to mix in Minosia. Minotaurs learned long ago that laying with your cousin ends with a handicapped calf.”

I gave him an odd look. “But Minotaurs can’t marry outside of the species, right?”

He nodded again. “True. The tradition was put in place to grow the Minosian Population. Breeding herds are given funding from The Iron Crown to have the largest family possible. I have eight siblings by blood, forty-one more by half.”

“... Minotaurs aren’t monogamous?” I asked confusedly.

“Oh Tartarus no, dude.” Frieda laughed. “Cows outnumber Bulls ten to one, easy, just like Mares and Stallions. If a Bull doesn’t catch at least five cows in his herd, then he’s not a Bull.”

“... Holy shit.” I breathed. “That’s too many fuckin’ kids.”

“It is a lively way to grow up to be sure.” Steely said happily. “I spent many hours fighting my brothers and sisters for a place at my father’s side. I won more often than not.” He smiled as he looked off into the distance and reminisced about doing something I thought only cutthroat Nobles did.

Frieda saw the look on my face while I tried to process that information. “Yeah, Steely will kick your ass. He’s a match for Maud on his best day.”

“Noted. Guess who’s cutting his pride and running when it gets hairy?”

“You really do come from the streets.” She let loose another little laugh that was nice to hear. Frieda’s voice really was alluring, but her former profession probably had more to do with that than anything else.

Something struck me as I remembered a little detail that Frieda’d told me. “Heya, didn’t you say a Minosian Prince gave you a good reason to stop hooking? I thought Minotaurs-”

“They’re not.” She said, cutting me off without hesitation. “He wasn’t the one who got punished for it, and that’s all you need to know.”

“Fair enough. Don’t let me speak on a touchy subject.” I said, backing down without a fight.

The birdy-kitty hybrid gave me a nod of appreciation. “Kudos on having more tact than Steely and Schrade.”

“Tch. Decent women are my weakness.” I admitted, not expecting it to be taken seriously.

“You’ve got Maud watching you, Bud. If you’re trying to make a move, you’d better clear it with her before you get me killed.” Frieda warned.

“No offense, but I don’t wanna kiss a beak.”

“I once kissed a Griffin as a result of losing to Odysseus. It was unpleasant.” Steely grunted.

I gestured toward him. “And it’s confirmed. Beaks aren’t made for kissing.”

“They’re good for clipping off appendages and pecking.” Frieda said flatly.

“You might have a pecker too, but if you come after mine, I’m slugging you.” I replied in the same tone.

Steely bellowed out laughter at a joke that really wasn’t all that funny. “He refers to his meat and your face simultaneously! Pecker!”

Freida shuffled her wings. “I’ll peck you, beef boy. Keep in mind that your kind are only two legs away from being cattle.”

Steely gave her a wide smile. “Bitter words from someone with no comeback. I do wish you were a Cow some days, my friend.”

She clicked her beak a couple times. “Even if I was, I’d spend more time figuring out how to stab you so that you wouldn’t die from it than fucking your meaty ass.”

“I’ve heard of a few Brothel Broads doing just that. Fucking men, that is.” I said with a shit eating grin. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Steely here liked taking it up the hole beneath the tail.”

Steely flushed and Frieda giggled. “He does seem like the type to be on the bottom, doesn’t he? It’s not like he has any Cows in his herd either.” She teased ruthlessly.

Our victim snorted loudly. “I have cows in my herd! I am still young, so I am simply adding more as I see-”

“Oh really?” Frieda interjected. “Why don’t you take us to one of them?”

Steely’s fists were clenched tight. “I am not a Bull-Bucker you harlot.” He seethed.

Frieda clicked her beak once and I poked the bear with, “Methinks the lady dost protest too much.”

“Fight me.” He snarled.

I couldn’t help it. “I’d rather run from you. You might try and make me fuck you.”

My instincts told me to get lost around the same time Frieda’s must have given the same message because she was only a second behind me as we dashed away from the literal raging Bull that was her comrade. I should say ‘our’, but I felt like I was being hired rather than truly joining the fold, so the separation stays. I didn’t look behind me until I was at the entrance of the Mess Hall, and that was enough time for me to see Steely as he prepared to charge me, doors be damned. I had no idea where my partner in crime fucked off to, so I made a choice that I considered reasonable and got the fuck out of there because I trusted Frieda’s word. Steely was probably going to kill me if he could get his hands on me, and living is one of the things I do best.

I departed from the crime scene (Verbal torture is a crime, right?) and made my way down the hall casually, walking at a lackadaisical pace. Oh, no, actually, what I meant to say was that I fucking zoop zapped my way the fuck away from the Mess Hall because my stomach was telling me that a few broken bones were the least of my worries. My anus was telling me that we needed to make a stop, and I really don’t scare easy. I haven’t really been scared in the past eight years, ever since I escaped from the horrors of gaol, but fear was steadily making its way back into my life the longer I stayed on Equis. That fear only grew when I heard Steely’s roar of fury from down some random hall that I hadn’t been paying attention when I’d sped down it, but I figured that stopping was going to get my shit wrecked. Full stop.

It took me six full minutes of running like the hounds of Hael themselves were dogging my heels before I stopped, but even then I was still a little queasy. My gut told me that I was out of the fire and back into the frying pan, which became all to apparent when I got hit with a flying pair of tongs that were a lot heavier than they looked after they bounced off of me. Shit hurt, and when I went to threaten the fucker that threw said tongs at me, a little more hurt was added to that by way of a mallet hitting me in the tender bits.

“If it isn’t the new guy.” A deep, irritated voice growled. “You think you can just run into my quarters like you own the place?”

I looked up after taking a second to make sure I could still shoot my shot and saw a Minotaur glaring at me with a Unicorn by her side. The Stallion looked scared, but the Cow looked salty. “Fuckin’ ow. Fuck I do to you?”

“Killed my half-sister. And my brother.” She spat.

“Cleft started the fuckin’ fight! She was gonna kill me!”

I saw her heft a hammer that looked a little too big for me to not get killed by. “Shoulda died then.”

“Maud’ll fuck you up.” I grunted.

She lowered the hammer. “... Not if I-”

“He’s right, Perse (Pronounced Per-see).” The Stallion said shakily. “Cleft got herself and Cleave killed, and getting revenge is going to get you killed. It was as fair a fight as it could have been, and all the higher-ups think so too.”

Perse snorted and spat on the floor. “... Piece of shit better be out of my quarters in the next minute. Maud and Odie be damned.”

“Kerrick.” The Stallion said, which earned him a savage blow before Perse stormed off.

I was back on my feet by then, so I trudged over to check up on the guy. “Heya, you alright, Bruv?” When I got over to him a couple seconds later, I offed him a hand up.

His face was already swelling pretty bad, but he was conscious. “I’m awwight. You godda go doe.”

I gave him a nod. “I won’t forget your help, Bruv.”

He gave me a weary nod and we parted ways, but I couldn’t help but feel like I had something to do when I got back from my mission with Maud. It was something to put more thought into later, but as it was, the coast was clear and my gut wasn’t giving me any signs, so I just asked my way back to Maud since I had nowhere else to go at the moment. I stopped and chatted with quite a few people to get a feel for what the buzz about me was, and for the most part, it was clear enough to get a good idea of who to avoid.

Most of the Minotaurs in The Catacombs were either related to Cleft or respected her a great deal, so I considered avoiding most of the overly aggressive fucks to be my best course of action. Schrade managed to get a lot of the Griffins to like me since his jealous streak was notorious and most of his kin just wanted to see him get put in his place since he thought he was tougher than he was, but the same could be said about me on a smaller scale since I admittedly talk myself up whenever prompted. The Ponies were wary of me because of my relationship with Maud, and I didn’t think that it would get any better if I mentioned that I’d helped an Equestrian Princess escape possible capture, or even death in the worst case. There were only a handful of Naga in Bite-Back in the first place since they were a tribal race, and the only Dragon I met was happy to talk to me, but I did manage to find out that the Cats in the Catacombs were largely fond of my fighting style. The Dogs didn't care about me since I wasn’t a blooded member of the club, and that went for all of them according to the four I managed to talk to.

Dogs are assholes.

I eventually made my way back to Maud after I got my half-arsed network put-together and she greeted me with a Maud Nod. “You have stirred up trouble.”

“The thing with Steely was because he was playing Peanut Gallery with me and Frieda and the thing with Perse was because the Minotaurs don’t understand that I didn’t start the fire.”

“Minotaurs tend to develop racist views when it comes to interactions in which their race falls short.” Maud replied drolly. She waited until I was somewhat close to come and grab my hand to lead me off to somewhere. “However, calling a single Bull gay is foalish. Even if they are a Confirmed Bachelor, to point it out is inviting trouble into your lap.”

“What if a Cow goes ‘gay’?” I used air quotes since I was only guessing that the word meant something along the lines of tribad.

“It is commonly accepted. Not all cows are herd-worthy in Minosian eyes, and some prefer their own sex anyway.”

“I never understood tribad people, but it’s not like I have to fill their shoes.” I said. I really never gave two shits about who someone else stuck their dick/tongue in since it wasn’t my dick/tongue. That, and the hypocritical Priests of Sylphis were some sick fucks. Took a few hits from children on those bastards for free, and that was before I even had my Gadai rank.

“You do not care for homosexuals?”

“Hmm? It’s not that I don’t care for them, it’s just that I don’t care. As long as they’re not trying to stick anything where it doesn’t belong, just like normal folk, it really doesn’t matter.” I replied bemusedly. “What makes you think I don’t like Sugarlads?”

“I will assume that the word is slang for homosexuals. To answer your question, it is just that your statement was ambiguous as to your feelings about them.” Maud replied, confusing me further.

“What would it matter if I didn't like them? It’s not like it would affect you since you apparently like me.”

She blushed and cleared her throat in a slow staccato. “Is my infatuation so transparent?”

“We’re the talk of Bonetown, Lover. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to make something of it, you know. I like my women dangerous and smart.”

Maud cast a glance toward me that was unreadable. “I have fought my way out of multiple keeps with my sword and no support, and you are aware of my rocktorate. I have shown it to you.”

“You’ve also got some lovely lips.” I flirted, though it sounded awkward to me.

Look, I steal baubles, not hearts. Not exactly 'dashing rogue' here. Shit, I barely get ranked as a six most days.

Maud did the nod and her blush stained her cheeks for a few more minutes we walked in silence. “... So… Would you mind if I courted you? I asked when the tension was nice and thick.

“... I would like that.” Maud said quietly.

I tried not to let my grin make me look like an idiot, but my face was red hot. I’d only been with two women in my life and they’d both dumped me after a few weeks, though there was a certain Corsair I liked to see from time to time when I could. I don’t really count Isla as being one of the women in my life since she’d tried to kill me. “Victus. I never thought I’d have a sweetheart who could kick my arse.”

Maud laughed, and it sounded weird. She basically said ‘Heh’ three times with a little extra wind behind her words. “I never thought I would find another stallion. It seems that we were both mistaken.”

I sped up a little to walk beside her and bumped her with my shoulder. “Sometimes it’s nice to be wrong, isn’t it?”

“I do not like being wrong in most cases, but I find this occasion to be suitable for a misjudgement.”

“Right. So are Ponies monogamous, or-”

“No. The vast majority of my kin are polygamous or polyamorous.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Polygamy would entail one Stallion taking multiple wives. Polyamory would involve multiple Ponies all marrying each other.”

“... The second one is weird.”

“It is commonplace in Equestria, but not all of the Pony territories.” Maud informed.

“So the Ponies have multiple countries?”

“Yes. Equestria’s might is unrivaled across the globe. Bite-Back does not dare strike against her without justification prepared in triplicate.”

“... Oh shit. You’re telling me that the international face-breakers assassinate royalty across the globe, but won’t fuck with an Equestrian Noble?”

“No. Equestrian Nobles are fair game, but Equestrian Royalty and government officials are untouchable by all. Not even the combined forces of the Underbosses, Quarter Chiefs, and the Top Dog himself could hope to defend themselves against even one of the Alicorns, though that is not to say that Bite-Back has no presence in Equestria. We are everywhere. Except Canterlot.”

“So if I fuck up too bad, go to Canterlot?” I jested.

Maud stopped and whirled to grip my face before I could even twitch. “My heart does not tell me to love you with its full might just yet, but I warn you now that plying your trade in Canterlot will get you sent to either Tartarus or the Changeling Caves. You will either be raped and tortured to death or be bled dry of all emotion for the rest of your life.” She stared me in the eye like I needed the message to be any clearer. “If you have a mind at all, you will avoid Canterlot until you surrender to retirement.”

“Gotcha.” I said past her hand.

She let me go and gave me the Maud Nod. “I want you alive. Do not get yourself effectively killed.”

“Right… So let’s not talk about the scariest country on the planet and let’s do tell me where we’re going.”

“We are going to the Armoury to see Brutal Bash and Festus. They will return your equipment and give you what you have earned from your endeavors.”

“Heard that my cut was getting slashed.” I commented casually.

“Severely so. You will still have enough to subsist for a month or two without a home given that you have stolen a few enchanted items, but you could have had enough to live like a quote unquote ‘high roller’ as they are called in Las Pegasus for an equal amount of time.”

“That doesn’t tell me much, but it’s nice to know I’ll have some scratch. Is it going to come in drachs or bits?”

Before I knew it, I was on the ground and Maud was kneeling on my chest, which kind of sucked because she was a lot heavier than she looked. “Where did you learn of bits from?”

I chose my words carefully because I wasn’t trying to slip up and get myself hurt. “Few passed through my fingers.” I answered honestly.

“Courtship or not, you will cease your chicanery.” She said, making my stomach feel like my lunch had frozen into a ball of ice the size of Steely’s fist.

“... Would you believe me if I told you I know Twilight Sparkle?”

“... She would have the Magic to summon a being from another world. As unlikely as I find your words, I do not doubt them. What is your relationship with Equestria?”

I gave her a weak smile. “I don't have a relationship- Urgh!” She let more of her weight settle on my chest and it was not pleasant. “I barely know her!”

Maud eased up after a moment. “Where did you meet her?”

“Here in Grey Grotto. Her spell apparently got her away from Equestria and put us in the same place. She said it was her fault that I’m here.” I rasped.

“What did she offer you?” Maud demanded.

“A place to stay if it didn’t work out here. Said I could call on her if I ever decided to follow her over there.”

“What else?”

“... Friendship?” I tried. It was true and that was pretty much all she’d tried to give me.

My ‘lover’ let off of my chest and got back to her hooves, dragging me to my feet as she rose. “It was nothing personal, Dear.”

“Not really feeling the love, Maud.” I rubbed the spot where her knee had threatened to break my sternum.

She lowered her head and her shoulders hunched. “I apologize for being suspicious of you, but Bite-Back cannot afford an Equestrian spy in its ranks.”

“You could’ve just fuckin’ asked. I know better than to lie to you.” I replied irritably.

Maud brought her hands together and wouldn’t meet my eye. “... I apologize.”

“Apology not accepted. Give me a kiss.” I demanded sternly.

She complied quickly, though I kept it brief and gave her a hug. “Was the kiss all you desired?”

“I’d prefer it if you avoided manhandling me at every corner.” I said neutrally. “Just because I like dangerous women doesn’t mean I like it when I feel as though I’m constantly in danger.”

“... I will heed your words for the duration of our relationship. I hope that you will be as receptive when I ask something of you.”

“Don't try to stick anything in my butt either.” I said, copying her monotone.

Maud started trembling gently before saying, “Ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. That is great. I will not put anything in your butt. Most men do not like that.”

“Do you like that?”

“That is information to be given at a later date.” She replied, her cheeks pinkening. “For future reference, do not tell anyone that you personally know a Princess. It will most likely cost you your life due to a worldwide dislike of Alicorns.”

“... Just knowing one can get me killed?” I asked quietly.

She nodded. “Only Ponies are allowed to freely interact with the Princesses and walk 'freely'. I also know Twilight, and I am very fond of her, but there is little you could say to convince me that knowing her is good for you.”

“Damn. Damn. Fucking damn. Why are there arrows pointed at me wherever I go? Why is death always looming over my head? I fuckin’ hate this country. Made it fuckin’ eight years traisping across my world escaping death and thanking Fate for her blessings, but my luck lust had to run out when I got sent to a fuckin’ world with two hundred percent more Killaguyquik than Terra and one hundred percent more fuckin Magic. Fuck this shit. I need a drink.” I spat bitterly.

Maud wrapped her arms around me and rested her chin on my shoulder. “Being angry will solve nothing.”

“Don’t step in front of the cannon. That’s relationship suicide.”

She squeezed a little tighter. “You can hug me as hard as you would like. It would be nice and it would help you feel better.”

I followed her suggestion because it’s not like I wanted to be pissed off. It worked after a minute or two of letting Maud’s natural scent fill my nose, though the perfume she’d put on was decent too. “It’s still bullshit.”

She let me go, so I let her go simultaneously. “It will be alright. Do not be stupid and you will most likely not get killed.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Sometimes it doesn't matter if you’re smart. Fate takes who she wants, when she wants.”

“Does that not also mean that worrying about your Fate is pointless?”

I smirked at her and gave her a peck. “Took the words right out of my mouth.”

“How can I take vibrations in the air from your mouth?”

“... What?”

“That was a joke.”

“Oh. Your humor is as dry as the inside of a metamorphic rock.” I said, pretty confident that heat and pressure probably forbade water from staying in crystals and gems.

“Hydrates contain microscopic amounts of water.” Maud informed informatively.

“Fun facts.”

“That was only one fact.”

“Shut up, smartass.”

She stuck her tongue out at me, so I did it back before Maud lead the way to the Armoury. I feel like I should mention that there really weren’t any people in the halls by the time I’d originally found Maud, so our public displays of affection and me getting fucking dealt with wasn’t witnessed by more than one or two people. Our conversation with me on the floor had been pretty damn quiet, so info.

❖☬❖

Having Garrison go for Maud after getting put in his place by her was weird. I mean, I originally fell in love with a woman infinitely more powerful than me when I'd originally met her, but when I figured out that she was controlling me up to a certain point, I cut her off. Garrison was well aware of the fact that Maud had more power than he did in their relationship, but his intuition told him that Maud was going to be more faithful than either of his little tarts or Isla, and I had to respect him for going with what he felt was right. I mean, I knew that he and Frieda were going to be friends, but I was kind of hoping that by having Schrade’s Expedition Unit collect Garrison, Frieda would be the first woman on his mind. It made me wonder if he was still stuck on Captain Flint and the aura of danger she exuded since she was his first, but it wasn't important.

I really do see where the guy is coming from though. I knew a woman who was a lot like Maud, but a little bit tougher in the heart than the grey woman, though her color scheme was about as inventive. I thought both of them were cute in their own ways, and I’d found Beige attractive in a similar way as to how Garrison liked Maud, but I just couldn’t see myself with someone who had trouble showing outward emotion. Body language was going to be Garrison’s best friend when it came to Maud, so I tweaked his understanding of it a bit and helped the fellow along with figuring out what was genuine and what was being faked.

Once I was done with that, I headed back to my home in Heaven and met up with my ancient wife, though she hit me for thinking that she was ancient when I walked through the door. “Max, I am not ancient. I am eldritch.”

I chuckled at her and she folded her arms, giving me a harmless look. “Sorry for thinking of you as being youthful, Cherry. I keep forgetting that your proud of every million under your belt.”

My Twilight, the original one in the Triple Sixes, gave me a little smile. “That’s because you’re the oldest thing that’s technically alive. How’s Crimson doing as Fate, by the way?”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s still having fun turning homophobes gay, but you know he’s afraid to fill the orders for negative paths. I keep telling him that it’s a part of the job and that him letting someone get raped isn’t going to get him sent to Smileton, but…” I shrugged.

“Well, you have to see it from his side, Max. Fate doesn’t want to lose favour with you, and he really doesn’t want to mess up your plans.” She soothed. It was a bit of a sore subject at this point in the ebb of time.

“I know, I know, but he knew that I was giving him free reign to do as he pleased when I gave him the job! It just doesn't make any sense for me to make the guy untouchable and him be afraid to mess with me. I mean, he can’t directly influence my life, but I told him that he could throw me some curveballs. Did I not give him accolades for challenging me with that parasitic disease he let Mary Mallon’s Sthezik counterpart make and spread? Didn’t I bitch at him for an hour for collapsing my first few pocket dimensions for the right reasons and give him a hug after? He should know that he’s up there with you when it comes to love and trust.”

Cherry just gave me a patient smile. “You know you’re scary, Amour. I might not be afraid of you, and Roxy might be a little more than just not afraid, but I, even with all the pranks I’ve come up with over the years, don’t want to mess with you. You’ve been through a lot, and we just want you to have to deal with as few stressors as possible.”

“I’ve been dealing with the Triple Sixes, all the Triple Sixers, all the Twelve-Twelve, and the googols upon googols of souls in the universes for longer than anything’s existed, Twilight. At this point in my stupidly long life, I don’t really get offended until someone tries to tell me how to run things. Everyone knows this, and yet there are people dumb enough to do the one thing I say not to do, and not the things I say are okay! I mean, I’ve got so many meat grinders perpetually full of Gods that need to be humbled again that it’s ridiculous!”

My wife departicalized and ‘hugged’ me (There isn’t a word for meshing our souls and atoms together like we do) and separated after she was sure I was listening. “Kaid, you’re old. Things aren’t going to make sense like they used to before.”

“I’m in charge of Universe One, Twilight. You run Six-Two-Six now. You know my omniscience stretches beyond fathomability.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know that.” She chastised softly. “And don’t say that you’re not reading my mind because we both know that you aren’t. You should know what I mean just from the time we’ve spent together.”

“... You’re a butt sometimes, you know that?” I sighed.

“Garrison will pull through. Anon A. Anonymoneymous will pull through. Jameson might have turned out poorly, but Iry-Hor told you that people with the condition I used to have don’t thrive on different planets. Keep your chin up, my Hubby-Wubby, and I’ll give you a favour for it.”

“Bribing me with sex worked a lot better when I was twenty.” I said drily.

“Surprise surprise, it still fucking works.” She giggled ruthlessly.

I gave her a cross look and she gave me that damned smile until I gave her a normal hug. “I love you, Cherry. Thank you.”

“I’ll be here for you as long as I exist.” She said for the zillionth time.

“... Look, I-”

“There’s no point in apologizing again. I might not want this life, but you make it worth living.” She gave me a warm smile, and just like the last time we’d had this conversation there was no regret in her eyes, and it wasn’t my fault. “You made a lot of sacrifices to make me a Triple Sixer, and that’s still the single greatest gift you’ve ever given me.”

“... I’d make them all over again if it meant that you didn’t have that little ache in your heart.”

“I’m not letting you brawl with the other six hundred and sixty-four again just to improve my life marginally.” Twilight snapped viciously.

I raised my hands and took a step back.

“... Apologies, Amour. Thou deserveth not such a spiteful inflection. Especially not for trying to extend to me another piece of kindness.” She said softly, slipping into Court Speake from her time as an Empress.

“Water under the bridge. I should have known that you would rather me be safe than be buried under a mountain of bodies again.”

“It’s been more years than we can count and we’re still having little stuff like that pop up.” She sighed.

“That’s because we got married, you goofy goober.” I said factually.

“Shush. Are you going to go visit Drake and Bluebell while you’re in Heaven Central?”

“... They still don’t want to see me, Twilight.” I said, my voice carrying my failure as a father within my words.

“You weren’t a bad Dad, Max. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on your mistakes.” Twilight said softly.

“Because Drake still hates me for killing his husband ‘before his time’ and Bluebell still thinks I tried to molest her or some shit when I made her stop touching herself twenty-four/seven. When I can help them see the truth, then I’ll talk to them, but for the time being, they’re both going to ignore me and that hurts more than not seeing them.”

“I’ll talk to them again-”

“They’ll just say that you’re blinded by love.” I sighed.

“Just like they’re blinded by Sorell’s words. We’ll lift the curse before the reset, Max.”

I gave her a little smile that I wasn’t feeling. “I’m going to go check up on Twilight Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M.”

“Don’t look up her skirt.” My wife deadpanned.

“I’ll look into her very bones if I feel like it.” I huffed in a manly manner.

“If you give her cancer by doing that, I’ll hold out on you for a century.”

“D’vora.”

“If you use her slime on me again, I’ll beat you.” She deadpanned with an even flatter voice.

“You had fun!”

“Shush and go! March!” She ordered playfully, her cheeks indicative of the nickname I’d given to her soul, not just her body. It’d been googolplexes since I’d originally married a Twilight and that one was long gone, but all of the Equus Twilights were the exact same, unlike a few of the other Parallels. It was like loving someone with a weird form of Alzheimer’s for a few octillion years until I killed Sh’ Ara and stole his throne.

With my heart feeling a little mixed up, I let my wife have her alone time so she could keep rewatching Clannad and Clannad: After Story until she cried some more. With my being collected into a couple Graham’s Numbers to keep an eye on things around the Universe Collective, I sent an eye over to the Twilight on Equis to see how she was fairing. When I got ahold of her, she was sitting in her basement, halfheartedly trying to conduct an experiment that she’d had a lot of interest in prior to going to Minosia, and the longer I watched and delved into the fragments of her life that I hadn’t witnessed yet (I only had to think about her to get her full story. It happens instantaneously at this point in my Godhood.), I got fed up with her being a sad sack and decided to craft another form to get her moving.

I gave my Pony body a thick beard and made him an Alicorn with a broken horn and a single clipped wing because fuck flying. Of course my coat had to be royal blue and my mane bitoned silver and black, though I left my eyes green and blue with gold and silver flecks respectively since it’s my trademark. No other being in the Collective has eyes like mine, and I made damn sure that every God had a trademark that set them apart from the rest. Once I had my temporary form down pat (Again, instantaneous in the grand scheme of things.), I made my way onto the planet itself and placed myself behind Twilight to watch her for a little bit in person. I let my presence wash over her in little trickles until her subconscious finally alerted her to the fact that she might not be alone, and Twilight cast a quick glance over her shoulder, thinking that she was just being paranoid.

She did a double take after laying eyes on me and stared, gaping. “... How did you get down here?” The poor Princess asked, perplexed.

“Few places can be barred from my entry. That goes for anywhere off of this planet as well. However, I feel like I should explain that I’d like to speak with you for a moment, and nothing else. I have no intention of touching you magically or physically, so quell that spell before I seal your Magic.” I said kindly, using my fatherly tones learned from dealing with frightened children, damaged adults, and fragile minds in general.

“... How did you get down here, please.” Twilight repeated, her voice weak, making the question barely sound like an inquiry at all.

“I was always down here, if that makes any sense to you. Like I said, few places bar my entry.” I gave her a warm smile. “You know, you’ve been down about Garrison for a few days now.”

“... How do you know that?” She asked, scared witless.

I cupped my hands together and crafted a few Kalitu berries for her in a pouch before levitating them over to her. “I know a lot of things, and I know that you weren’t supposed to leave my little friend behind. Luna wasn’t supposed to be the woman to come for you, but I had no control over that.”

“... What do you want?” Twilight asked, holding the pouch like it contained lit dynamite.

“Try one of the berries. They’re personal favorites of mine.” I kept my little smile.

Twilight cautiously ate one of my altered plums and gave me a little smile when the cloying sweetness coated her mouth. “It’s like Zapple jam and plums!”

“I know, right? I thought that combining Zap Applejack and plums would give me liquor, but then I got anti-anxiety berries. Sometimes mistakes work out for the best, but I don't feel like your mistake is going to work for my plan. It’s nothing personal, Twilight, but I need you to step up right now.”

She gave me a confused look, her unease returning up to a point. “What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to go and look for your newest friend.” I said softly.

Twilight licked her lips and brought her thumb to her mouth so she could chew on the hard, rounded nail that I had to give Ponies on Equis. They didn’t have them on Equus and it was weird. “... Why?”

“Why do you want to go look for him?”

“... I’d ask how you know that I want to find him, but I have a feeling that you’re not just a Unicorn with a broken horn.”

I extended the one wing I’d given myself; clipped as it was. I have no desire to fly. “I’m not a Unicorn at all, and I never was one. I’m a little older than Discord, you know.”

“... You’re Yggdragil!?” Twilight’s eyes filled with tears and she panicked hard.

I tilted my head at her and had a little chuckle. “No, no, you silly filly. My name is long lost to the annals of history that was destroyed with changing tides beyond your comprehension, but do know that I killed Yggdragil. He’s not quite as dead as I’d like him to be, but I didn’t want him to ruin my plans.” I gave her a patient smile.

Twilight still shook with a vengeance and seemed rather frightened. “Celestia! Luna! Somepony help!”

I waved my hands and Celestia appeared next to me, still wearing her nightclothes. “Hullo, Sunny.”

Celestia looked at me, then at Twilight, then back to me. “... You summoned me, not her. How?”

“He summoned you!?” Twilight cried.

“Mares, please. There’s no need for this excitement or any fear here. I’m harmless to those who wish me no harm.” I assured them, mostly talking to Celestia.

She took in my broken horn and general height. “You’re an Alicorn. How?”

“I ascended. There were Alicorns before you, Celestia. History hasn’t always been honest.” I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze. “It’s been a joy to watch you grow, my child. Solaire was a dear friend of mine, and Artema loved me like a brother.”

Celestia nodded slowly. “Twilight, don’t move. Friend, why are you here?”

“I’ve come to ask Twilight to do a little task for me; to right one of her wrongs.”

“Her summoned student in Minosia, I assume.”

“You would assume correctly. I had plans for that man.”

“Why do you talk like Gauche?” Twilight asked, soothed by Celestia’s acceptance of me.

“Reasons.” I answered. “I need you to take Applejack and Pinkie Pie with you to Minosia to search for Gauche. You’ll find a familiar face with him, and he’ll have made some unsavory friends while you’re there, but that’s something I need to discuss with Celestia and Luna. You can bring him to the light, Twilight, so please start gathering some materials and funding for your trip. Know that you’ll be watched over as you go, and that your life is protected.

“Friend, what is your name? You must have one.” Celestia requested, the undercurrent of her sovereignty ringing through and irritating me a little.

“I suppose you could call me Faith. It’s traditionally a feminine name, but I find that I’ve had to have a lot of it over the years.” I replied loftily.

“Faith. Where do you come from?”

“A different world and a different time.” I gave Celestia a smile, my teeth carved with gently glowing runes.

“... Dear Heavens above.” She said under her breath, recognizing the level of danger she was dealing with at the moment. Louder, she said, “We would be happy to help you further your goals if we knew what they were.”

“Only my wife knows what I’ve waited for so long. Just know that I don’t want the world, or anyone’s life. I don’t want power, wealth, or glory. I’d like to be able to sit down and have a drink without someone bothering me.” I chuckled.

“You’re not a Royal.” Celestia stated quietly.

“Why would somepony bother you? You seem pretty powerful, but it’s obvious that your injuries prevent you from doing too much.” Twilight said, concern in her voice.

I pointed a judicious finger at her. “Respect your elders, whipper-snapper.” I groused playfully. “I’ll put itching powder in your diaper instead of the other stuff.”

She giggled and gave me a wide smile. “I’m sorry I was so suspicious of you before, but I didn’t know that you were a friend of a friend.”

“I have no conventional friends on this planet, Twilight. Even beings like Azyre and Discord feel like newborn foals to me.”

“Azrye. You mean the Dragon older than time itself?” Celestia asked numbly.

“That newt is old to be sure, but he’s only seen his first decannium. I was there when his grandfather won the war for Ignitia. Hell, I helped name the damn place!” I laughed heartily because I could. It was true as soon as I said it, so it’s not like I technically lied. Writing history as I speak can be disconcerting sometimes, but it’s useful.

“Ignitia?” Twilight asked.

Celestia gasped. “You were there before Draconia was Dracon-” She stopped cold. “Were you The Lone Pone?”

“Ah, finally! One of my titles! I forgot about that one!” I guffawed. “Ah, I remember when Desth named me as such after Equinis fell. Good times.”

Celestia seized my arm and gazed upon me with great respect. “Great Father, please, will you share some of your stories? Tales forgotten by all races, known only to you; I would trade my crown for but a few true epics.”

I smiled at her and kissed her brow. “Of course, my child. Rarely do I show my face on the mortal plane, but I suppose I could gather a few of my old Aghu, my kith, to tell you of what we can recall.” A few shades peeked in from the Ether and a few souls from the Aether stopped by to see what was going on since I was doctoring the timeline, but things weren’t going to change at all because of a few stories that were true before I made them up in the first place.

“Oh, I’m so excited! I get to go save Gauche and learn more about Equisian history-” Twilight started.

I stopped her rapidfire word-assault with a raised hand. “Speak slower, dear child. These old ears have to use spells to understand this new language.”

In all honestly, I just don’t like it when people talk too fast. I’m old, dammit.

“Right. So what was the first Princess of Equestria like?” Twilight asked.

I barked out a laugh. “King Blood Rain would roll in his grave if he still had bones to roll.”

Twilight paled and I caught a wary look from Celestia. “The Sola-Luno Families weren’t the founders of Equos?”

“Please. Lunos raised his family into the Aristocracy early in Equestrian history, but Equos used to be Equinis, as I said earlier. Solatone, your ancestor, was a great woman, but she slayed to grab the Golden Crown just as Lunos gabbed his way to her side. Before them, the Blood Heart Dynasty reigned, and before them, The Windos ruled the lands. Your little history about the three tribes living in the northern reaches? Complete lies.” I scoffed. “I personally met a few Windigoes as they were the natives of the land, but they died out because of city-state warfare. The ruins of Stirrupps are Windigosian, by the way. The only place left standing.”

“Wow… Just… Wow…” Twilight breathed. “So all of those ancient artifacts that are lighter than air were made by…?”

“Black sacraments. Those ruins are cursed down to the basalt below.”

Celestia nodded. “Which is why nopony goes there, Twilight.”

“Oh. So how do we know what was there?” The young Princess asked.

“A few expeditions were sent before we learned that the land itself was cursed, and the last expedition was lead by myself and Starswirl. We didn’t take anything with us when we left because everything is cursed.” Celestia shook. “Just being there for seven hours made me sick for forty-nine more.”

“‘We will be avenged sevenfold til the bowels liquify and the teeth rot away.’.” I quoted. “I never did like Desth or his people. Proper pricks, if you ask me.”

Celestia chuckled weakly. “Creatures that fed off of hatred and strife wouldn’t seem like good friends.”

“There’s a reason that the Changelings have survived and the Windigoes didn’t.” I shook my head. “Still, having a battalion of them won the war for Ignitia, put Ignis in power, and beat back the Naga Horde for nearly five hundred years. Damn snakes.” I spat.

“It’s not surprising to hear that Dragon-Naga relations have never been good.” Twilight commented sadly.

I sighed. “It’s a shame, too. Back when I was an usim, or a colt, Naga and Dragons lived in the same country, taking up much of their combined modern territories. The Naga were given the waters to do with as they pleased and the Dragon were given the mountains, and the two of them met in the valleys and plains to share goods and services. The orgies between them-”

“I don’t think we need to hear about that.” Celestia said quickly.

“Still, I feel that I should say that Changeling relations with the rest of the world were better when the Dragons and Naga joined weekly to create vast wells of love that they could drink from. That, and Wyrms were the most amazing creatures.” I sighed again and shook my head. “Bipedal reptilians with wings that glittered like gems with eyes that were as clear as the purest waters, tails that were so dextrous, they could pluck individual cherries from trees, and hands so delicate and deft that Wyrm textiles and jewelry are still held as dynastic heirlooms. I miss Wyrms. They were truly special creatures.”

“They still exist.” Celestia assured me. “The only haven for them is here in Equestria, but they do exist.”

“They do? I thought Dragons and Naga couldn’t stand each other at all.” Twilight said, bewildered.

Celestia and I traded a look. “How many of them are claimed?”

“Few, if any. Most don't make it.”

I nodded, though I’d already known that. “Thank you for trying to balance the scales, even if they’re still tilted.”

“All hybrid races are welcome in Equestria. Most of the immigrants we get are so touched by the love of our kin, they can’t help but let their hearts be filled in turn.” Celestia gave me a smile.

I gave her a savage look that disappeared before Twilight could see it. Celly knew that I was well aware of her army-building brainwashing within two seconds. “That’s kind of you.” I said normally.

The conversation carried on from there and I exposed more of the world’s bloody history to Celestia and Twilight as I looked back and saw it for my own eyes, dropping myself in to handle a few fights and pick up a few scars along the way so I could honestly say that I was a part of getting the world on the right track before Discord and his Queen, Eris, took over completely. It took most of the night to give them a brief synopsis of what went down up until that point, and I ended up filling thirty-three books with more historical facts and dates with Magic that Celestia was pretty skeptical of, but grateful for nonetheless. Twilight promised to get herself moving to Minosia within three days, and Celestia offered me a place to stay, but I declined and cited my desire to grab a draught of my own bourbon as my reason for not sticking around.

Before I left, however, Twilight and Celestia asked me why I didn’t just go and get Garrison myself, but I only smiled and let my teeth glow a little bit brighter for that query.

❖☬❖

Night had fallen by the time Maud and I got topside, which was a good thing. Her typical style of dress was out of place among the Minosians since it was obviously foreign. It reminded me a bit of the Frechette styles that were getting popular with the abstinent Sisters of Amelemme, though I wondered why so many women on Equis were fond of showing their ankles, or in the Ponies’ and Minotaurs’ cases, hooves, and the goods thereabove. While we were taking some of the alleys to our mark, I just had to ask what was up with the frankly stiffening style of dress that the Ponies wore since it was so damned distracting. I mean, I’d been able to see Twilight’s thighs!

“Maud, Lover, I have to ask; what’s up with Ponies? Why do you guys show so much skin, or rather, fur? It’s a little odd that the women of this world seem to wear breeches as commonly as dresses and gowns, but when I met our mutual friend, her skirt was shorter than a lot of the Fancy Gals I’ve come across, and their profession is attracting looks.”

Maud gave me some side eye. “I have been told that I dress too conservatively.”

“I can see your ankles at any given moment.” I chuckled awkwardly.

“... That is ‘showing off’ to you?” She asked flatly. The monotone was a little deeper this time, which I perceived as her not getting my viewpoint on the matter.

“It’s considered ‘showing off’ in Avalesce. Frechere, a country I’ve been to, had a lot of women dressing like you, but the place is called ‘Heathen Hael’ for a reason.”

“... Would you prefer that I wear a slightly longer dress?”

“Whatever you like, I like. As long as your comfortable with me looking.” I said, hoping that she wasn’t going to think of me as a pervert or a lecher.

Maud blushed a little. “If I were to catch you looking, what would you do?”

I blushed too because I was a little embarrassed. “Hopefully you don’t catch me looking. It’s rude to stare.”

“That does not answer my question.”

“To be honest with you, I’d probably blush and apologize for staring.

Maud stopped and raised her dress a high enough to show some calf, making me glance down, my face growing hotter. “How is this?”

“Uh…”

She let her dress drop and her lips curved into the deepest smile I’d gotten from her yet, which was to say that it was a decent enough grin for a Nun. “It makes me feel pretty when I garner your interest.”

“Eh-heh-heh-heh.” I chuckled nervously, trying not to let my ‘interest’ show too much. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re going to tease me until I get another nosebleed?”

“Because you are cute when you blush.” Maud jested, her monotone a little higher than her normal speaking voice.

“You’re cute when you’re not talking.” I grumbled.

“That is not nice.” She wagged a finger at me, her voice going back to normal.

“You’re making my blood flow to different places at your whim. That’s not nice either.”

She reddened a little and let go of my hand. “Walk beside me, Dear.”

“Sure thing, Mauble.” I closed ranks and we got a move on again, a minute smile playing on Maud’s lips.

“I like your petname for me. I should find one for you.”

“Take your time. I’m partial to ‘Suede’, if it helps.”

“I have met smooth-talkers. Your words lack the tainted-honey quality that theirs possess.”

“Well, my street name is ‘Gauche Suede’, but my real name is Garrison. I got the moniker from being bad with women and dressing like a fool when I buy 'fashionable' clothes.”

“You are not bad with women. You are awkward, and that is different.”

“Shut up, smartass.”

Maud gave me ‘Ha’ in droll triplicate. “Our mission draws near. We need to find an entry point.”

I tapped her shoulder and stopped since the alley we were in was plenty narrow. “Can you climb walls?”

She stopped two steps away from me. “... Can you?”

I showed her the Spider Technique and dropped before I got too far off of the ground. “If two are close enough, yes.”

Maud shook her head. “I can reach the rooftops in my own way.”

I nodded and tapped the wall to my right. “We’ll meet up on this one, no?”

“That is acceptable.” Maud squatted down, confusing the fuck out of me before she fucking leapt up the fucking walls. I don’t know what to liken it too. She easily made three meters on her first jump and started bouncing off of them so casually that I was just thunderstruck for a moment.

I was dating a disciple of the Goddess of Female Strength, Fortaleza, or something.

I shook my shock off soon enough and scaled the walls a little more slowly than Maud had, but I still made decent time. She was waiting for me, but I had to ask, “Where in Hael did you learn that?”

Maud bobbed her head from side to side. “Would you not like to know.”

“That wasn’t a question, was it?” I deadpanned.

“You are learning my mannerisms quickly. You are far superior to my last boyfriend already.”

“You’re more fun than any woman I’ve been with so far, but you also suck eggs.”

She winked at me. “Which of yours would you like me to start with?”

I rubbed my hopelessly barren chin and tried not to let my face lit up the night. “The left one. It gets dry.”

Maud laughed and lightly jogged to the edge of the roof before leaping across casually, so I got a decent start and followed her. We crossed a few more rooftops at a good clip before Maud stopped on one and waited for me to catch up. “This is our ‘mark’ as you would call it. How do you plan on gaining entry from here?”

I strolled to one of the edges and looked over before checking the rest of the flats. I picked the side that had the most windows and didn’t wait for Maud before dropping off of the side of the roof and making my way down to one of said windows. No one ever locks anything higher than the second story if there aren’t any balconies, and most places kept their shutters open during the warm months anyway. With Minosia having a climate like Thesuvia and a populace that acted a lot like those proud fucks, no one was evidently worried about people like me. Gaining access was as easy as brushing an errant shutter to the side and slipping into the window with a practiced, soundless ease that one picks up from doing the same thing a thousand times before. My stomach was feeling cool and level, so the mission was a foregone conclusion. I had to wait for Maud, but by the time she dropped down to the window sill, I’d stopped thinking about whether or not she was an infiltration kind of gal and started thinking about what kind of undergarments I might get to see if she had trouble getting into the building. My thoughts evaporated when she almost slipped off of the sill, which made me rush over and pull her inside with all of the strength I could summon without making a racket. As it was, Maud was not very quiet, and I had a feeling that it was going to land us in hot water, so I shushed her as soon as I got her in and made her some footpads- Er, hoofpads out of some cloth in the room since her boots were fucking loud.

“Have you been on a Twilight Stroll before?” I asked softly, keeping us near the window so the sound wouldn’t bounce around the room and alert anyone to our position.

“I have performed stealth missions before.” Maud replied at the same volume.

“It doesn’t show.” I said blandly.

“I never said they went as planned.”

“Don't get us arrested.”

“I could break us out of jail with little trouble.”

“Save us the trouble, no?” I patted her shoulder a couple of times and let it lie there, stalking toward the most obvious entrance into the rest of the house.

Maud followed with her foot- hoofsteps muffled by my forward thinking, though she wasn’t as quiet as I would have liked. My own boots were thick, soft soled, made specifically to not make a sound, even if you were stomping on shattered glass. Maud's hooves were made for breaking bones, stones, and toblerones, though the last word is just nonsense from Laspone, a mashup of 'Tobler' (A name) and 'Torrone' (A sweet). What was just as nonsensical was how Maud kept stopping to look at things because ‘It was interesting’, and I swore that I wasn’t going on another mission with her if it didn’t involve walking through the front door and knocking someone’s head off of their shoulders.

We had to search for a certain key to The Ironclad Keep so we could get another assassin in for another attempt on Herodotus, but Maud didn’t have any intel as to where it was, so I sent her back to the room we’d entered in and told her to stay out of my way after we searched the easy-access parts of the estate. Her face didn’t betray her emotion, but the sluggish way she agreed to let me do my thing tipped me off to her being hurt, so I gave her a kiss and promised to make it up to her with a really good date when we weren’t on business.

After ditching Maud like the noisy sack of hooves and scatter-brain she happened to be, I got to work for real and started my stroll the right way by making my way into the study where I collected another pipe, more rings, and a ledger that my gut told me was cooked as it was booked. Leverage seemed like a good thing, so I made a shoulder-sack out of the mark’s curtain and carried on with my looting, picking up a fantastic necklace with a ruby that seemed to glow from the inside, a broach with a well-cut emerald, and a few shabby diamond bracelets that were subpar. I doubted that the diamonds were real due to instinct, but pocketed them anyway because I wanted to make it look like a regular burglar was making rounds. Once I’d filled four pouches with loot, I stole a painting off of the wall because it was well crafted and artsy as all get out, standing above the rest of the decorations in the house due to the gold leaf on the frame. It was a smaller canvas than most, so all was well when I got it into my shoulder-sack, but I couldn’t help but grab a few extra baubles in the form of candlesticks and precious metal saucers that no one was going to miss to terribly.

Look, I’m a fucking thief. You’ve gotta be at least a little greedy in my line of work, and I needed to pad my pockets anyway. It’s not like my shillings or pence were worth a damn thing in Minosia, but drachs? I could definitely do with some more of those.

I made my way back up through the house after slipping down the stairs to case the first two stories, finding nothing in the way of keys or the like in my search. Most of the rooms in the house held a Minotaur or two, so I figured that the last room I had to check was going to be my winner since it also had the most detail carved into it. Minotaurs were evidently fond of their engravings, so I filed away the information for later and crept my way through the door, not making so much as a creak as I went through my checklist for entering an inhabited room. I did the lift-and-look trick with the door to enter quietly, breathed through my nose and my mouth to avoid making either airway do too much work, and walked heel-to-toe as I snuck to make sure that there was no impact to be heard as I worked.

The heavy snoring of many Minotaurs rumbled through the room, making my silence matter less and less while I allowed my eyes to adjust to the lack of light within, just as I had whenever I entered any other room. Once I could see well enough, I… Well… You see… Okay, you have to understand that there were a lot of dressers, vanities, and the like to check for the key I was supposed to be looking for, and I have some sticky, sticky fingers. I filled all of my pouches with beautifully crafted rings, bangles that could have paid for weeks of food and refuge in Davenshire (A town that was further away from the coast than Capersport, infamous for a high cost of living.), earrings (Or nose rings) that were heavy enough to beat a bilge rat to death in a few good swings, pendants that would have been heirlooms back home, chains of gold that took some doing to collect quietly, and a Signet Ring that had an insignia engraved inside the fucking gem itself.

My Thief-Wood was tall and impenetrable by the time I was done. I ended up losing a lot of the comparatively worthless things I’d picked up along the way to make sure I had space for my new swag, but the important part is that I found three keys with three different markings on them. One had a gaol door, which meant that I was keeping it. Another had a turn-lock on it, which meant that I was keeping it. The last had a clenched fist on it, and that was the one Maud and I were actually looking for, so I made my way back to her, passed off my shoulder-sack, and almost ditched her to go get moar before Maud stopped me.

“Dear, why has your search taken so long? We have what we came for.” She said, her voice level and softer than snow.

“Mauble, Lover, are you rich yet?” I asked.

“I do not find much value in currency, but I do have money saved up. Why?”

“I’ve got the drachs in my pocket and little else. I want to thrive, not survive. With all these Minotaurs making babies left and right, I’m willing to bet that there are some bastards that need a few drachs to keep their stomachs full, and these fucks have so much. I have a safe key, we’ve got a cooked ledger, and I have no problems robbing our marks destitute. I can get back to HQ if you don’t want to stick around.”

“... How much of your profit do you want to keep?”

“It’s a job I wouldn’t have taken without Bite-Back, so I only expect about half. Still, even if I give six-tenths of my profits away, what I’ve collected so far is already good enough-”

Maud placed a finger on my lips. “You are right. It is good enough.”

I moved her digit. “You didn’t let me finish. It’s good enough to help a little, but that’s not enough. Not for me. Not when I could take more to give more. Not when my gut’s telling me that this tree is bearing fruit and all I have to do to fill stomachs is put the work in to grab it.”

“... I fear that you are greedy.”

“I am. It’s the sin I suffer from the most, but generosity is the virtue I try to live by in turn.”

“... Carry on. I will be watching you. From here, that is.” She corrected herself, sounding a little unhappy to me.

“Thanks, Lover. I won’t make you regret this.”

“I already do.” She sighed after that.

“... Would it make you feel better if I came back without you, or if I just left it alone now?” I asked irritably.

“... I would ask that you return on your own time, but I see the sensibility in letting you work as you please now. You sensed my displeasure?”

“I don’t want to make you unhappy on our first day as an item.” I said, trying not to sound like a hopeless fool.

Apparently Maud appreciated it since my words got me a kiss. “Clear the safe and return. Day comes quickly.”

I checked the mental map I’d built of the grounds and nodded. “I’ll be back in six. Count the seconds, don’t hesitate to ditch me for your hide.”

“I could kill everything in this house with minimal effort.”

“... Fuck, you are some kinda sexy.” I growled.

“You are mostly just cute.”

“I’ll take it.” I left her shortly after and made my way to the second story where I’d seen a painting that was just slightly too far off of the wall for me to not notice the safe behind it. I didn’t bother with it then because safecracking has always been my weakness. Full stop. They always fuck my picks up when I try to get in, so if I don’t have a key, I generally won’t try unless it’s an older build.

I got to the safe without any problems, and moving the painting was a cinch, but the cool feeling from my gut was turning into a warm one slowly, so I hurried with opening the safe and had a peek inside. Thief-Wood was back with a vengeance as I laid my eyes on gold ingots, silver doubloons, and important looking papers that got added to my second shoulder-sack. I cleared the safe in forty-five seconds flat, but the last fifteen seconds had me feeling like I was about to have trouble on my hands, so I closed the safe without getting everything, replaced the painting, and left the scene of that particular crime in time to hear a door slam and some angry muttering coming from behind me.

“Damn Hestia, trouncing around upstairs, loud ass hooves, stupid little haircut.” The young Cow grumbled bitterly, quickly making her way my direction.

Not good considering that Minotaurs had great olfactory senses.

I scurried to the third story without wasting another second, but more doors were opening as I slipped into the room I’d left Maud in, and I doubted that we were going to be company free for much longer. When I laid eyes on her, I sped over and rushed her out of the window, but instead of going up like a normal thief, she just had to drop from thirty feet in the fucking air and make the loudest fucking mother damned noise I’ve heard in twenty years.

Seriously.

Maud is bad at stealth.

Instead of letting her actual mental disorder stop me from not getting killed, I made myself climb out of the window and up the side of the building because the Minosian architecture didn’t exactly make it hard for me to do. I kept an eye on my path and an eye on Maud as I climbed, and when she dashed away with shouts and hollers following her, I decided to head in the same direction over the rooftops because I didn’t know how else to get into the catacombs other than by the old factory I’d crashed in after my first stroll in Minosia. It was a bitch to keep up with Maud until she took a turn and cut down an alley, pulling her superwoman routine away from prying eyes once more. Before she could get to moving again, I gave a sharp whistle and she saw me trying to catch up, so she slowed down without actually stopping and I picked up the pace to something a little outside of my usual ‘Gonna-die-gonna-die-gonna-die’ so I wouldn’t be stuck without a contact on the outside.

I caught up over the course of a few roofs and Maud stopped after a few more, rushing me down the hatch of the building we’d stopped on and dragging me down to the sewer level in the course of a couple minutes. My blood was pumping as I was wearing a pretty decent sheen of sweat from the muggy morning, but there was no better feeling than a clean escape after a good haul, and what a fucking haul it was. I was a little giddy at the baubles and gems we’d managed to nab, and I talked Maud’s ear off the entire way to the Grey Market, as it was called, so we could get our stuff priced and fenced. We met up with a seedy looking Griffin who went by Gopher, and he was shocked to see how much we’d managed to get our hands on.

The loot I parted with was worth over three thousand drachs, and by that I mean that’s what my cut was. I’d actually netted a little over six thousand worth of gems alone, and the painting was worth five hundred, but Bite-Back took two thousand and six hundred from the get go and another three and a half thousand was promised to three different orphanages that could use a little boost in funding. My gold and silver was stocked up with Maud since she’d been a partner and that had gotten her about fifteen hundred drachs, but she was quick to tell me that she was going to spend it on expanding her rock collection. I didn’t really have a problem with that and said as much when she asked me whether or not I thought she was wasting the money I gave to her, but I did kinda wish that she would plan ahead and save a little for old age or something.

I ended up having to get most of my drachs in gold, which was fucking heavy, but I didn’t keep all of it for long. The first thing I did with my money was go to Festus, the main Armourer guy, and put in an order for some better gear. My usual gear was alright, but I needed a leather cowl to replaced the one I’d had since I was sixteen, a rainproof cloak, and some actual armour instead of the leather cuirass I wore under my ragged jerkin. It’d saved me from deep cuts a few times, but it needed to be replaced, and Festus assured me that he could have me kitted out like never before for the right price. I never skimp when it comes to tools, and armour is a fucking tool, so I put seven hundred drachs into getting new work gear before meeting up with Maud again to get some rest. We still had to report to Odysseus later on in the day, but for the time being, we took our turns in Maud’s wash room and I have to say that it was weird.

To explain, instead of a wash basin like normal people, Maud showed me an odd spigot that rested above a tub. When she turned some handles connected to the pipe that the spigot was attached to, water sprayed out of the thing in multiple streams and instead of staying cold, it somehow got hot enough to be enjoyable, and the soap Maud gave me to use was neither gritty like wood ash soap, nor was it as slick as lard soap. It actually smelled rather nice, kind of like some perfume or a floral cologne, but I was a little sketched out by the strange machination until Maud started stripping me of my clothes when I hesitated to get in.

Let me just say that having my sweetheart effectively call me a Beau Nasty without the fancy threads was a kick to the pride. It had only been a week or so since I’d last bathed, and that was pretty good by most standards, but apparently bathing was supposed to happen more frequently on Equis. Maud said my ‘body odor’ was tolerable before the mission, but with the advent of the heat of being topside along with the amount of sweating I’d done, apparently she just couldn’t take it anymore. I was a little offended, but I didn’t mind bathing since the water was warmer in Maud’s odd contraption than it was in the public bath houses, and there weren’t any skivvy Wet-Workers (Streetwalkers that whored in the bath houses.) trying to rob me of my shillings, so that was nice.

All in all, I suppose showers aren’t too bad. Nothing beats a nice dip in a cool lake on a warm day, though. Once I was finished with that, Maud got in after me and she forced me to go shopping for ‘modern clothes’ since apparently there’s something wrong with a tunic, jerkin, and breeches. She made me buy an Equisian week’s worth of clothes, which was nine days, and three ‘nice’ outfits that I thought made me look like a raving loon. She let me pick my colors though, so I stuck with dark grey, dark blue, and shades of red that were either maroon or burgundy. She still made me get a white ‘shirt’ for some odd reason.

What else was there before we went to sleep…? Oh! Pants! The pants on Equis were fantastic! There were these things called ‘boxers’ that protected the privates, but still gave one plenty of room to grow, and there was a better version of the magical things called ‘boxer-briefs’ that gave a little support, but not too much. Briefs were awful though. Too much support. Far too much support. It was like constantly having someone cup my sausage, and that was just horrible, but I only got one pair of those, so it was alright.

Author's Note

Cup my sausage.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Five: Take A Slice

Chapter Five: Take A Slice

After heading to bed with Maud for some sleep, we decided to talk and get to know each other a little better since we were both interested in taking it slow for the time being, intimacy and other such matters being on the backburners for the moment. Maud told me about her life on a rock farm, which was actually just an above-ground quarry that had minerals and less valuable gems popping out of the soil beneath the top layer due to a certain kind of Aetherial Magic that pushed them from catacombs beneath the land. Her family wasn’t rich by any means and life on that farm had been tough and largely boring until Maud learned the differences between different types of granite, which sparked her interest in rocks in the first place. She’d been fascinated by the minute differences that turned each rock into different types of the same stone, and I couldn’t help but find her interest… Well, interesting. It was something so pointless that I couldn't wrap my mind around it, but since it was coming from Maud, it felt like she was preaching Furladra’s Laws to me, just like Desmond and Vex had back when I’d originally joined the Thieves Guild at the tender age of eleven.

I didn’t tell Maud about my childhood in Terabithia, the orphanage in Malic that I’d grown up in, because it was fucking depressing. I’d never known my parents, and I’d been booted out on my tenth birthday because thems was the rules back in Avalesce. By the age of ten, you were expected to find an apprenticeship with someone or find some kind of work in a factory, but I’d had a lot of friends die in factories or come out missing limbs since kids got the dangerous jobs. There were more of us than there were people over the age of twenty since Maric was a regular Hælhole that would catch your life if you weren’t careful, so yeah, kids got the most dangerous tasks and often paid the price for it. I was too smart to fall into the traps at the factories, and there was no way that I would have chosen to sell my arse to some skeevy Priest or Noble for a place to sleep, so I explained to Maud that my only real choices after leaving Terabithia were to become a young Fancylad and hope that Aria wouldn’t take after me, or join the Thieves Guild so I’d actually have a hope of making the money necessary to get her medicine.

My lover was shocked to find that there was an actual Guild for thieves, and she voiced her confusion by asking, “For what purpose would thieves band together?”

“Why wouldn’t we? There’s safety in numbers, you know.” I answered sleepily. Her lecture on her life had lulled me to a calmed state that made me more than a little drowsy, and talking about my own life was tedious. If she wanted a story I'd give it to her, but still. There are things I would have rather been doing, like napping.

“There may be safety in numbers, but it is a well known fact that there is no honor among thieves.” She stated.

“Tch. When you’re not guilded up, there isn’t. When you’re in the Guild, you don’t have a choice but to play by the rules.” I yawned.

“There were rules? For thieves?”

“Furladra’s Laws.”

“That means nothing to me.”

“One of Furladra’s aspects is that she’s the Goddess of Thieves, though she also watches over travelers and merchants. The Merchants Guild had their own Edict, but I couldn’t tell the specifics to you since I don’t know them that well.”

“What were the Thieves’ Laws?” Maud asked, stroking my nose with a finger to keep me awake.

I took a deep breath. “Steal not from thine brother, lest ye hand be rent. Steal not from the protected, lest thine legs be rent. Steal not from Amelemme, lest ye heart be rent. Steal not from Gustada, lest ye eyes be rent. Steal not from Dissida, lest ye bowels be rent Steal not from the Brotherhood, lest ye life be forfeit. Steal not from Furladra, lest ye wish to be bereft of all that she may take in turn, for thy life beith hers, thine hands beith hers, and thine takings owed to her. Steal not from Furladra, lest ye be of addled mind and suicidal of heart.”

“Who would be one of the protected?”

“Children and people who pay the tax. Robbing an orphanage will get you killed by just about anyone, and robbing one of the Thieves Guild’s Fund-Finders either gets you put in gaol or adds a hit to your head, courtesy of the fuckers who don’t miss a shot. I fucked up and made a Fund-Finder a mark by accident and that was my trip to gaol. Only reason I got out is because I took the swag to the Thieves Guild to fence it instead of hocking it myself. If I’d actually gotten any of it sold, that would’ve been my arse.”

“I see. Who is Amelemme?”

“Goddess of Love. Robbing one of her temples is bad luck and pushes your Fate up.”

“Hmm. What are these Gods and Goddesses you speak of?”

“Beings beyond mortal understanding. Some people say that they may or may not even exist, but it never hurts to be safe.” I yawned again, blinking slowly. I knew Furladra existed since she'd healed my Varas brand in a few days and her Guild Green light had accepted dozens if not hundreds of my offerings. The other ones? Well, if she and her daughter were around, then why wouldn't they be the same?

Maud rubbed my arm. “Interesting. Who is Gustada?”

“God of Scholars, Seekers, and The Enlightened. The Seekers are pretty jus’ some fuckin’ Witch Hunters who go off of hearsay, and the Enlightened are a bunch of addicts who smoke too much Helix Root and scribble their thoughts down like they actually matter.”

“What is Helix Root?”

“Highly addictive and not worth its weight in cow shit, is what it is. Seen a lot of thieves get hooked and end up dying because of withdrawals, not being able to pay the dealer for a front, or overdosing by chasing the high. Shit’s literal poison, so it’s a gamble on whether or not even a pipeful will kill ya.”

“If it is so dangerous, why would anyone smoke it in the first place?”

“Nothing better to do. Looking for an escape. Looking to forget. Looking to die happy. It’s a more effective stimulant than the shit Chemmers have been cooking up, even with decades of people trying to find something to get people to stop doing Helix, so a few people just smoke a lot in one go and kill themselves to avoid a lot of different things. My best friend of twenty-two years ate an entire half-foot Helix Root after he had me help him with a big score so he could escape the Brotherhood.” Guy was dead before ten minutes passed, but the smile on his face... At least he died happy

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. Jackass robbed ‘em against my better judgement. He got what he deserved, so be glad he didn’t get caught by the Brotherhood.”

“I will ask about them momentarily. You mentioned a God named Dissida?”

“Ah, my least favourite Goddess. Goddess of War, Chaos, Strife, and Cides. Homicide, suicide, regicide, patricide, infanticide; you name it, murderous fuck lords over it with a smile a mile wide. You offer her tripe and the best cuts of a successful hunt unless you want to get fucked up in turn. Some people follow her as the Goddess of Natural Order, but those people are heretics and practice Black Magicks. I’ve helped Seekers land hits on Dissida’s folk before. Fuckers do sacraments and sacrifices, and I’m not talking about animals.”

“Gruesome.What is this Brotherhood you speak of?”

“The Brotherhood is a misnomer since anyone worthy can join. It’s actually called Death’s Hand, the Black Hand, the Left Hand. You can shorten it to any of the three and be fine.”

“Then why do you call it the Brotherhood?”

“Because I was actually a pretty high ranker in the Thieves Guild, to be honest with you. When you earn the title ‘Gadai' you’re expected to call the Left Hand the Brotherhood because the Thieves Guild and the Brotherhood work in tandem I was a Varas, meaning that I could have been the next Guildmaster if Furladra had it in my Fate. You steal from the Thieves guild, you get blacklisted or you catch pilliwinks depending on what you managed to get. You hurt a Guild member, Thieves Guild still takes care of it, but that one’s usually a ratrace on one of your thighs. Kill one of ours or sell out a fellow member and we call the Brotherhood to kidnap you, and then you get a taste of scaphism, which is ugly. Real ugly. Whether the Brotherhood takes you to one of their keeps or you get sent to The Caverns, you don’t make it away from that one.”

“What are pilliwinks, a ratrace, and scaphism?”

“Not suitable for pillowtalk, I assure you.”

“I do not mind.”

“Don’t chuck on me, okay?”

“I will not.”

“Pilliwinks are like vices, but they’re specifically made for thumbs, toes, knees, or elbows. I’m sure you can imagine what happens when you put someone’s hand in a vice and don’t care how tight it gets.” I said sleepily.

“I can. Bite-Back implements similar devices to get information when Unicorns and Changelings are either unavailable for mind-reading or incapable of penetrating a mind.” Maud informed.

“Figured you guys had something to help with that. A ratrace is when you get a rat or some kind of small rodent and a metal container and put them together. You trap the rat or whatever against someone’s skin with the container, strap it down, and then heat it up with a torch until the little bugger has to burrow through your victim’s flesh to get out. The Brotherhood uses ratraces to get info instead of pilliwinks, but that’s a damn good way to kill someone, even if you’re not trying to. Rats carry all sorts of disease and miasma that aren’t exactly healthy.”

“... That is horrifying, Gauche.” Maud monotoned. “Bite-Back would never use such a method unless we were executing a war criminal.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is. Scaphism is a lot worse, and that’s an opinion shared by everything in existence.”

“What does it entail?”

“Depending on whether the Thieves Guild does it or the Brotherhood has a go, you end up in a boat or you end up in a box. The Thieves Guild sticks you in a boat and keeps you in the Caverns on dry land so we don’t taint the beauty of Furladra’s Flash Ken, but anyway, the first step is to force-feed the victim milk and honey or sugar-milk until their stomach shows signs of popping. The bastard is usually given a few days to be force-fed until he gets a good swamp going on in said boat-”

“Wait, you leave them in their own filth?” Maud asked.

“Yeah. With the diet of milk and honey, it’s mostly fluid coming out, so it’s even less pleasant and earns the victim an infection sooner than you’d think. Once the smell needs to get taken out of the Caverns, the boat gets dragged to the swamps nearby and the cycle continues while Greenrot, Blackrot, and Whitecough settle in, but that’s the kindest part of the whole situation. When you leave the victim in the swamp, warble-flies, digger-wasps, jigga-ticks, chiggers, deer-ticks, and facerapers-”

“Did you seriously just say ‘faceraper’?” Maud asked, her brow furrowing.

“They’re spiders the size of my thumb,” I held it up for reference, “that’ll burrow under your skin like everything else in that list, except facerapers make your rip your own face off. The pain of having just one of ‘em in you, even if you’re the toughest soldier on the face of the fuckin' planet, is enough to make you mutilate yourself, and after you get it out, the pain doesn’t go away for months. People take Helix to deal with a faceraper bite, let alone a full burrow, and that’s knowing the dangers of the root. The reason they’re called facerapers is because they go for the face. Always. The Scholars of Gustada say its because of the mucus in the sinuses.”

“... Carry on.”

“Right. So Dissida-worms-”

“Wait, there are more?” She asked, her voice cracking.

“There’s…” I counted. “Twelve. Usually twelve different kinds of crawlers you’ll find in and on a scaphist. The last four are eardwellers, blinderbuggers, sin-flies, and sedgewigs. The crawlers I mentioned up until the facerapers are the ones that you can live from, but facerapers make you suicidal, Dissida-worms drive you mad, eardwellers will make you deaf, blinderbuggers eat your eyes and lay eggs in the sockets, sin-flies crawl in the tender bits and make you a eunuch if you want to live through the next seven days, if you're a guy that is. Women usually just die from them, and sedgewigs burrow into the bones. You can technically live past the rest of them, but sedgewigs aren’t worth living with. Knew a guy who had sedgewigs and he begged for death, but there’s not a lot of ways to die in gaol.”

“... How long does it take to die from scaphism?”

“Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. Bad luck takes a month. Never more than twenty-eight days though. Not in a thousand years has someone ever made it past twenty-eight.”

“... Dear Celestia…” Maud monotoned softly. “... Did you condone this?”

“... Only for one woman.”

“Those must have been very special circumstances.”

“They were.” I grunted.

“I would like to know the story.”

“It’s not exactly a happy one.”

“And scaphism is a happy subject?” Maud challenged.

I nodded. “Fair enough. Sinthia was a former Brothel Mommy’s daughter who didn’t want to hook, so she struck it in the Thieves Guild. I met her when I first joined and she along with my surrogate mother, a woman named Vex, kept me as honest as a thief gets. She took me with her on a few missions, taught me the ins and outs of fencing on the side for the Guild when I didn’t want to risk my neck to make a shilling, and took my first kiss. I fell in love with that woman when I was thirteen and swore I’d marry her. Told anyone who’d listen.” I smiled, trying to make my heart ache a little less.

“She was there for me when Aria faded away, told me that it wasn’t my fault. Few weeks after she passed, I find Sinthia trussed up in the Guild and Corvus, the Guildmaster at the time, and Desmond, Mercer Vex, and Luciana, the Varas, told me that she’d been robbing me since she laid eyes on me. Robbed a lot of the Pluckers she was in charge of. I didn’t care when they said that. Didn’t give a fuck. Then they explained where a few of my friends had been disappearing to, and it wasn’t on missions. Sinthia was selling off Guildies, thieves without rank, to the highest bidder, setting Pluckers up with Priests and getting them fucked to death in their little orgies.”

I kept trying to smile, but it hurt to tell the story. “I’d been away on a mission she’d given me when they caught her, and that was when they told me that the reason the mission had gone south before I could collect enough for a bite to eat past the Guild fees was because she’d set me up for ten shillings. I was only worth ten shillings to her.” I repeated softly.

Maud let her hand rest on my arm. “... You are worth my entire collection and more, Garrison.”

I chuckled at that. “Thank you.”

“I sense that is not the end of the story.”

“It’s close enough. All that’s left is the days I visited her. She begged me to let her go. Begged me to spray some Cithian oil on her to keep the crawlers away when she was still in the Caverns. Begged for my forgiveness.” I shook my head. “I was there when she died. Still remember her face on that day. Still remember Vex telling me that I was better off joining the Brotherhood when I started getting out there since I was looking for blood, but I stayed in the Guild.”

“Why?” Maud asked quietly.

“It was home.”

“... Do you miss her?”

“Yeah. Can we stop talking now?”

“I am sorry for bringing bad memories to bear.”

“They’re just memories. They’ll fade in time.”

Maud gave my arm a gentle squeeze and we let it be at that. I don’t know how long we got to sleep after that, but I do know that the jolly voice that woke me up pissed me off. “Good evening! If it isn’t Bite-Back’s newest power-couple, napping like calves! Get up ya lazy louts! It’s time for the after-action-assembly!”

I sat up and glared at the smiley, black and white Bull that was grinning at us. “Fuck off, you Sugarlad.”

Maud groaned. “Five more minutes.”

“Get up before I getcha up!” He warned playfully.

“We gotcha, big fella. One sec.” I patted Maud’s shoulder and climbed out of bed before stretching. “Aww fuck. That was a shitty nap.”

“It wasn’t a shitty mission though! I saw the ledger, and y’all managed to nab over ten 'K' in fencables!” He said cheerfully.

I scratched my head and ran my hand through my hair. “Yeah, I tend to keep things profitable. You know if that money got to the orphanages yet?”

“All but one, Bud.” He gave me a big smile. “I wanted to personally thank ya on that one. I got a niece I can’t take in holed up in Holy Home, and you just bought her a new frock.”

I grinned at him. “Happy to hear that I’m doing some good in the world. Gotta help those who can’t help themselves, y’know?”

“That is what Bite-Back is about, Gauche.” Maud said, her voice sleepy and dry.

“Damn straight! So how’d the mission go? Any hiccups?” The guy asked.

“None of note. Maud’s bad at stealth, though.” I said flatly.

“Hey.” She objected.

“Your track record’s terrible!” The Minotaur chuckled.

“Bite me, you overgrown cattle.” Maud replied, her cheeks pinking up.

“You’d talk to your dear, sweet colleague like that?” He said, holding a hand to his chest.

“You may outrank me, but I will still rip your tail off.” My lover said drolly. “The front one.”

“Oh shit.” I commented.

The fellow beamed and laughed, clapping his hands. “As fierce as ever, my widdle Wocky Wose.”

“Shut up, Odysseus.” She muttered.

He gave me a wink. “How is she in the sack? Is she a tiger like everyone thinks?”

Maud blushed brightly and I grinned. “Like greased lightning. I feel like a sinner just thinking about it.”

“Gauche, I will hit you for your treachery.” Maud warned.

I stuck my tongue out at her and she flipped me off, which made Odysseus laugh. “Ah, that’s wonderful! Agori, come here and let me get a good look atcha so we can leave Maud alone.”

“I dunno, you seem like you’re gonna put something in my bum.” I teased.

He laughed at that too. “I might like a good Bull, but my Cows would be mad if I suddenly changed teams on them! No, come here so I don’t gotta strain my eyes.”

I started walking over as I said, “So you’re the Quarter Chief around these parts, right? What does that entail?”

“Crackin’ skulls, givin’ orders, and makin’ sure shit gets did right the first time ‘round.” He recited from memory.

I came to a halt an arm and a half away from him to stay out of his reach. “I bet you’ve got your hands full with keeping everything running.”

I barely had time to register the fact that my instincts were telling me to move before he seized me by the arms and lifted me off of my feet. “Sure do! Sometimes I gotta do stuff I don’t wanna do, but thems the breaks.”

I stared at him, the blood draining from my face. “... Why ya got me up here, Bruv?”

“Cleft was my daughter.” He said with a smile.

“Shit. Bruv, I-”

“Oh, I know she started it. She got what she deserved. Been tellin’ that calf for years that bein’ hot-headed was gonna get her iced and whaddaya know? Stranger blows in from outta town with a big head and the skills ta back it up!” His smile didn’t fade. If anything, it just got bigger and that tipped me off to something. Something important.

Guy was Gods-be-damned insane.

“... I’m not walkin’ ‘way from this one, am I?” I asked quietly.

“Only if ya say no!”

“I’m listenin’.”

“I know ya are! How would ya feel about bein’ a Xysma?”

“... Guess I’d feel good about- AH!” He tossed me into the air, damn near high enough to hit the vaulted ceiling.

He caught me as I came down and wrapped me up in a bone-crusher. “Welcome to the family, son!”

“Gack!”

“Odysseus, he cannot breathe.” Maud said slightly above conversation volume.

He let me go by tossing me into the air again, spinning me so he could catch me and make me sit on his shoulder. “Oh well. Not everyone can give a good hug.” He said, the jovial tone finally dipping.

I grabbed one of his horns for balance and chuckled weakly. “So, uh… Dad. How’s life?”

“Got a new son who can kill like Dragon curry, so it’s pretty great! Can’t help but shake the feelin’ that Cleft is rollin’ in her grave, though. Eh, she’ll get over it!”

“Could you not claim my potential husband as your son? I do not want to marry into your family.” Maud deadpanned. Her voice was a little deeper than usual, so I figured that she really didn’t like the idea.

“I either claim ‘em or kill ‘em!” I’m guessing Odysseus was smiling again. “If I kill ‘em, it’s always ugly!”

“Ugh. Gauche, good luck with your new family. I am going back to sleep.” Maud said.

“Aw come on! No help here at all!?” I whispered like Odysseus wouldn’t hear me.

He bounced up and down, jostling me pretty well. “Ha! Maud couldn’t take me if I was twenty years older with one leg tied to the opposite arm! You’re stuck bein’ a Xysma for the rest a’ yer life!”

“What even is a Xysma!?”

“One a’ the family, dummy!” ‘Dad’ answered, swinging me down to carry me under his arm.

It was smelly. “Urk! Bruv, that’s great and all, but can ya put me down?”

“Nope! All a’ my calves are too big to manhandle these days, so I’m gonna have some fun with ya!” He started walking out of the room.

“Mauble! Lover! Help!”
“I will see you tomorrow, Dear.” She waved casually, already in position to continue sleeping.

“You suck eggs!”

‘Dad’ hefted me lick a sack of radishes, worth even less than celeriac. “Quit yer bellyachin’ and smile! Ya just got accepted inta a proud family!”

“Is it full of Minotaurs?”

“Yup!”

“Bruv, Minotaurs tend to hate me.”

“I don’t hatecha, and your siblings won’t either! Tartarus, if ya gotta, just start killin’ ‘em off like ya did Cleft!”

“Really ain’t trying to kill more people, Odysseus.”

“Call me Pops.” Pops said lethally.

My gut told me to “Pops.”

“Good!” The joy was back, but it’s not like the madness ever left.

There are moments when I wish I was back in my flash ken, counting coins and cooking up ledgers for embezzlers. This was a long moment, and it seemed to be getting longer by the second as the humiliation continued. Pops, since I don’t dare call him anything else to his face, introduced me as his son to every face we came across in the Catacombs, and even when we went topside, he was fond of shoving me in the faces of complete strangers at random to tell them about how proud he was of me for winning a scrap against six people. Most folk evidently knew his face because they more often than not faked cheer similar to his to avoid pissing him off, and the few people who told him to get away from them (Generally in far ruder words) caught a fist to the face. Keep in mind that my feet didn’t touch the ground for hours, and he knocked out six people cold before he could drop me. To explain why that was a fuckin’ feat to be afraid of, he held me outstretched with both hands on my arms and jabbed people. They were just. Jabs.

Pops is scary as fuck. He makes Maud look like a stray cat with three legs, no tail, and half its whiskers missing. I wondered how the fuck Herodotus wasn’t dead if monsters like Pops walked around freely, so I decided to ask. “Hey Pops, can we talk for a sec?”

“Sure, son! Whaddaya got on your chest?”

“Why haven't you just gone and fucked up Priority Number One? I’m really starting to doubt that anyone could stop you.” I said nervously.

He guffawed at that. “Because it’s not my job, dummy! We wanna take care a’ that guy with as little bloodshed as possible, and I’m infamous on toppa bein' bad at sneakin’!”

“... Right.”

He whipped me out from underneath his arm and shoved me into a black Cow’s face a second after I stopped talking. “Lookie! This is my son, Gauche!”

“... Odysseus?” She breathed fearfully.

“He took down a Cow, two Bulls, two Griffins, and two Ponies all by himself and not a’ one of ‘em walked away! Ain’t he somethin’ special!?”

“A regular prodigy! Did you train himself yourself!? I mean- er, just by yourself!?” She squeaked, damn near pissing herself like fourteen other Minotaurs, six Ponies, seven Griffins, a Naga, six Dogs, and a Cat.

“I didn’t train him at all! He really is a prodigy, ain’t he!? Just think! If I put some elbow grease inta makin’ him a real Xysma, he’ll be a killer~!” Pops proclaimed proudly.

I locked eyes with a guard a handful of meters away, but he saw who was holding me and made an about face as the Cow chuckled awkwardly. “Right! Here’s hoping he takes after dear old Dad!”

“Pops ain’t old.” I whispered quickly, having seen a Griffins beak get shattered for making that mistake.

“I mean dear lively Pops!” She corrected a second later.

“Ah, I thought ya misspoke! It was good talkin’ to ya, Miss!” Pops swung me back under his arm and we carried on.

After a good while, Pops asked, “Are ya hungry, son? I doubt ya’ve got food on yer belly.”

“I could eat.” I replied casually, having accepted my Fate after watching a Dragon disrespect Pops. My feet still never touched the ground since Pops held me aloft with one hand for the short uppercut he’d driven into the fellow ribs. Bones broke and there was a dent in the poor bastard, but bad luck makes its runs.

“Whatcha hungry for?”

“Do Minotaurs eat meat? I could go for a slab of something that unalive.”

“Mmm Satyrs.” Pops said hungrily. “You ever eat anything that could talk!?”

“... No.” I said, choking down my revulsion and abject horror as best I could.

“Do ya wanna!?”

“Pops, no. Not just no-”

“Too bad!” He laughed. “Satyrs are the tastiest things around!”

“Heya, oi, I can’t do that Pops! You eat somethin’ that talks and ya generally go ta Hæl! Fire! Brimstone! Dæmons!”

“Ah, yer worried over nothin’! Satyrs are demons!”

“Really don’t wanna eat a dæmon, Pops.” I tried again. “Let’s get a salad.”

“Nope! Salads are for milkdrinkers!” He cut down an alley and I was starting hate life with a passion.

“Pops-”

“Keep it up and I’ll break something on you.” His tone dropped.

“... Fuck my life.” I said to myself, lower than even I could really hear.

“Still talkin’?”

“Just bitching to myself. Nothing you care to hear.” I admitted so he wouldn’t kill me for lying like I’m sure he would.

“As long as yer keepin’ it to yerself! So how long ya been in Minosia, son?”

“Bout a week now. Some crazy Pony fucked up a spell and ditched me to go back to Equestria, but I’ve been making the most of it. I’m pretty sure you’re aware of what I’ve been up to since most of it’s involved the crew.”

“Sounds about right! Where’d ya call home before ya joined up?”

“Capersport Avalesce, back on a world called Terra. Nice little shithole with enough marks to keep my pock- Urk!” He jostled me again.

“I really don’t like the thievin’ thing ya got goin’ on when it ain’t Bite-Back targets! Xysmas don't steal!”

“Kinda my whole deal, Pops.” I responded meekly.

“Drop that deal. You’re an assassin now above all else.” He snarled.

“... Yes sir.”

“Glad to hear ya bein’ so agreeable! Ya know, the Creator blessed me with a lot of obedient calves, and I can’t help but be thankful for it!” That’s because you probably kill the ones who don’t listen you Dissidan psychopath.

“Mind telling my brothers and sisters-”

“Ah, ya ain’t got no brothers!”

“How many sisters do I have, and how many of them want my head?”

“Ya got seventeen right- er, sixteen, and none of ‘em! Ain’t none of ‘em in Bite-Back ‘cause not a one of ‘em fight worth a lick. Cleft was always too rough for my little airheads!”

“Ah. I dunno if it’s good that I won’t have to worry about getting beaten to death, or if it’s bad that none of my new sisters couldn’t back me up if I needed them to.”

“Ya got dear young Pops for that, son!”

“Fair point. You tend to fuck people up pretty good.”

“Eh. Your Grandaddy, Heracles, was a lot better at scrappin’ than I am now. I was better than him a few years ago, but even a young man gots his aches.”

“Is Grandad still kickin’?”

Pops whirled me around and held me in front of him giving me a sad smile. “He’s still around, but he’s not producin’ calves no more. Gotta find the heart ta put him down one a’ these days.”

If the fact, or the point, that Pops was insane was a ship, and the events of the day were the sea, then he’d just sailed across continents, dragging the galleon across dry land to bring said point past just getting it to where it needed to be and back to where it had started from. “... Well ain’t that a shame. Hope it’s painless when he goes.”

Pops nodded. “It will be. Now that I got you, I think I can find it in me to rip his head off!”

“Holy fuck, that’s a little much.” I said quietly. “Can’t you just stab him in the heart with one of your horns?”

Pops laughed at the prospect of not committing one of the most egregious acts of patricide I could have imagined. “It’ll be quicker to yank his noodle off! Plus I can stuff it and we can put it on the mantle!”

I’d run my mouth off to people who’d scared the shit out of me before. I’d taken some lumps because of it, gotten stabbed, beaten, sold out; a lotta shit because I don’t know when to stop talking. Looking at Pops? Really looking at him?

It wasn’t worth it.

“... Sounds interesting.”

“It’ll be great! With my heir by my side, it’ll be the best a’ times!”

And now I had to watch it. Great. “Sounds like a regular blast, Pops. Can’t wait.”

“It’s agreed then! We’ll do it after we grab some Satyr!”

Fuck. My. Life.

❖☬❖

Twilight merrily packed for her trip with Applejack helping along, keeping her company as she went through her checklist for an extended search through a foreign country. It was a simple affair since Twilight knew where everything in her house was, but Applejack was lost since Twilight’s room was a mess. Spike never bothered to clean it after Twilight needled him for days for doing it once, so it stayed perpetually chaotic, but it worked for the youthful Princess, and it always had. Applejack herself kept her room tidy since her brother liked to sneak in and sniff her panties after a day’s work, but no one besides they themselves and me knew that. I thought it was hilarious, but I’m already getting sidetracked.

“So what’s this Gauche guy like, Twi? You said he was nice, but not much else.” Applejack said, eyeing a bread crust sticking out from underneath a book.

“To be honest, I don’t really know all that much about him. I know he’s paranoid and good at haggling, and that he’s really good at talking to ponies. There was an innkeeper who didn’t like me and took our money for some reason, but Gauche managed to talk him into giving it back after a little bit, even after that Stallion was so rude! I don’t know a lot of ponies who are that diplomatic; even actual diplomats.” Twilight ended, sounding a little miffed.

“Ah, so how’d he get him to give the money back? Did he guilt trip the guy?”

“Well, I don’t know what he actually said, but when he came out of the inn, he said the innkeeper was a little upset about having to turn business away.”

AJ found that odd because she, unlike many mainland Equestrians, possessed a shred of common sense. It’s the reason I told Twilight to take her along in the first place. “Twi, ya realize that he probably just beat ‘em up, right?”

“Why would Gauche lie about how he got the money back?”

“Why was he even tryin’ ta take ya to an inn?” Applejack countered.

“It was my idea in the first place, and Gauche said that it was dangerous to be on the streets since we didn’t know where we were. We needed to make a plan to get both of us home, and I wanted to make him feel less paranoid, so I came up with the idea of getting us a place to stay, but he was kind of brisk whenever I tried to talk about it outside anyway.” Twilight admitted.

“... Are ya sure he wasn’t tryin’ ta get some a’ your tail?”

“Applejack!” Twilight protested, blushing brightly. “Gauche isn’t that kind of guy! When we actually found an inn all we did we sleep, so don’t accuse him of something like that!”

“Did ya share a bed?” AJ asked, folding her arms.

“No! He sat on the floor next to the bed and we took turns sleeping.”

That struck Applejack as odd as well. “Why would ya need to keep watch if ya were in a safe place?”

“Gauche insisted on it because, and I repeat, he’s paranoid. His world didn’t sound like a nice place.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m havin’ a hard time understandin’ why you’re goin’ after a guy Princess Luna thought it right ta leave behind. Dontcha think the Lunar Princess had a reason for that?”

Twilight gave her a stern look. “Luna would have left a foal behind if it didn’t look cute enough.”

“That ain’t true, and you’re just sayin’ that because you’re mad at her.”

“Well, her only reason for not bringing Gauche with us in the first place was because he, and I quote, ‘Did not seem honorable.’.” Twilight mocked the elder Princess and threw up some air quotes to add to the show.

Applejack wasn’t amused. “I think Princess Luna, of all Mares, right beside Princess Celestia, would know a cagey pony when she sees one.”

“Oh hush.” Her purple friend grumbled. “You’d like him if you met him.”

“I’ll give him a shot, but I don’t like what I’m hearin’ Twi. He sounds like some a’ the ponies I met in Manehattan, and that ain’t a good thing.”

“For the love of Celestia, why does nopony trust me to judge another pony’s character?”

“Uh, well, there’s always the fact that the sketchiest thing on hooves told ya ta go an’ grab him because of some ‘plans’ he’s had since before Celestia was born. I dunno what makes ya think that this Faith Stallion wasn’t some kinda evil if he’s as old an’ powerful as you say he is. If he’s been around since before Equestria was Equestria, then I’m pretty sure he’s capable of makin’ Celestia trust him against her better judgement.” Applejack pointed out.

“Stop being a negative nag.” Twilight huffed.

“Stop bein’ a foal and look at what you’re doin’, Twi. Ya know I’m with ya ‘til the end, but this is sketchier than Discord’s egg hunts.”

“What’s so sketchy about it, Applejack?”

The look she garnered for her words was enough to make her blush. “That’s like askin’ how Blueblood isn’t a stuck-up prick, Twi. It really is.”

“Can you stop taking jabs at me?” Twilight asked, sounding hurt.

“I’m not jabbin’ atcha, I’m tryin’ ta make ya see what I see. Ya set up a spell ta summon yourself a student, it goes wrong and sends ya across the planet with some guy from another planet, and that guy just so happens to be streetwise and cares about ya. Luna comes ta pick ya up, tells ya ta ditch the guy ‘cause he ain’t trustworthy, and then some eldritch male Alicorn comes and tells ya ta go back an’ get the alien because you’re messin’ up his plans. Ya didn’t bring Gauche here by accident, Twi. Faith bucked your spell up. Luna’s tryin’ ta protect ya. You’re rushin’ headlong inta danger with no regard for the fact that the rest a’ the world ain’t as nice as Equestria. It’s sket-chy at best.”

Twilight sniffed. “At least Pinkie’s excited to go.”

Applejack facepalmed and I was tempted to do the same. I didn’t intend for Applejack to lay it out for her like that, and when she did it was damn near enough for me to send someone in to shut her up, but Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M Twilight is so stupid. “Celestia bless ya, Twilight.”

“I sniffed, I didn’t sneeze.” Her mentally handicapped friend responded.

“... Celestia bless ya, Sugarcube.” Applejack sighed. “When are we leavin’ again?”

“We head for the Teleportation Station tomorrow.” Twilight said brightly.

“Bringin’ ma’ crossbow.”

“You’re not bringing your crossbow!”

“I’m either bringin’ it or we ain’t goin’ nowhere. For that matter, I gotta see if I can find Daddy’s sword.”

“You’re not bringing weapons!”

“Ya got me some kinda bucked up thinkin’ I’m fightin’ a Minotaur barehanded.” Applejack deadpanned.

“What is with you and Rainbow? I swear, you two are ready to throw punches over odd looks somedays.” Twilight huffed.

“Sugarcube, do ya remember the time ya took me with ya ta Bridleland and ya almost got foalnapped?”

“That’s not what happened. Besides, I would have just teleported away anyway.”

“Dear Celestia, why is the smartest mare I’ve ever even heard of so dumb?” Applejack muttered to herself.

“Mumbling is rude.” Twilight chastised.

“Nag, neigh.”

“Hey! That’s uncalled for.”

“You’ve literally ignored every valid point I’ve made, and you’re frankly makin’ me wanna let ya go on this ‘mission’ or whatever just to see if ya get burned for it.” Applejack said. “I love you, Twi, but you’re actin’ like a stubborn foal with tunnel vision out the wazoo.”

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “If you’re not going to be helpful, then maybe you shouldn’t come.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. Then she rolled them harder.“Nah. You ain’t goin’ in alone, even if Pinkie's comin'. I just don’t think this is a smart move, Twi.”

“It’ll work out, Applejack.” Twilight assured her with a smile. “When you meet Gauche, you’ll get why it’s worth it.”

“I’d rather meet Faith and have him tell me why.”

“He said he was going to sleep for awhile, otherwise I’d send him a note.”

“... Right. Send one anyway, please.”

“Applejack, you know that the older a pony gets, the less energy they have. I might be able to stay awake for months at a time, but Celestia and Luna can only manage a week or two. Faith was old before they were even born.”

“Please? It’d make me feel better ta talk to him.” Applejack requested.

Before Twilight could answer (And because I glanced at the future. Sue me.) I froze time and let Applejack realize that Twilight wasn’t actually alive before showing up. “Wotcher, AJ.” I said casually, wearing my Faith suit.

She whirled around to face me, wide-eyed. “What did you to to her!?”

I raised my hands. “I froze time on Equis for a little bit. No big deal.”

“... The whole planet.” She breathed, her Element proving my words to her.

I gave her a runic smile and she blink a few times. “You said my names so many times, I sneezed myself awake.” I jested.

“You weren’t asleep, were ya?”

“I lost the ability to sleep before this universe was born.” I said softly.

“... The what?”

“You know the Solar System, right? The Sun, Equis, Sesa, Duvot, Sigmis, Threshstar; the planets of Solstice Circle?”

“... Yeah?”

“The Solar System was born out of the universe, and this one is one of the younger Solar Systems.” I explained.

“... How old are you?” She asked breathlessly.

I let my form flicker between Faith, Kaid, and Maximus. Kaid and Maximus are different because my appearance first changed when I stole Discord’s Magic in a few minor ways, and again when I became a Capital G. Applejack gaped before I let my form settle on a version of Faith that was young and whole. Older than even the eldritch could fathom.

“H-H-Holy shit!” Applejack cried. “Wh-What do ya want with Twilight? What the buck kinda plans do ya got that you yourself can’t take care of!?”

“Ah, you guessed it.” I chuckled.

“Sir, I mean- er, Faith, I… Sir, if it’s your will, then I’ll go along with it, but why?”

I took a deep breath and chuckled it out, giving my little creation a warm, loving smile. “I’m old, and that’s all you need to know.”

“... Don’t think I really need to ask if I should keep this conversation quiet.”

“You don’t. You were always smarter than people gave you credit for, even back in school.”

She gave me a look before she fixed her face. “Well, I wasn’t exactly a straight C student.”

“You could’ve been a straight A student if it weren’t for your parent’s passing, Applejack. You grew up thinking you were dumb when you’re easily one of the wisest Ponies in Equestria. You were really scaring me earlier when you pointed out how… Sketchy, was your word?” I chuckled some more. “How sketchy the whole situation was. I was afraid that I was going to have to look somewhere else again to make my plans go through.”

“Sir-”

“Sir is unnecessary and Faith is a bullshit name. Call me Max or Kaid, Love.”

“... The Creator’s name is Max?” Applejack asked, a childhood memory popping up in her head.

“I swear to Me, if you liken me to you puppy I’ll spank you and give your all of your underwear to Big Mac.”

“H-Hey! Th-That’s unnecessary!”

I pointed an accusing finger at her. “Be good, then. Like I was saying; don't mess this up for me. I won’t send you to Hell specifically for it, but it will make me make your life on Equis suck.”

“... What do ya want me to do?”

“Take your crossbow. Your bolts are still in the ammo closet, and Bright Mac’s sword is in the basement, stuck in your brother’s nudie crate that he does not know that you visit. You’re good there, and you will be for the foreseeable future as long as you stick to your schedule.”

She blushed brightly and coughed a few times to clear her throat. “Shouldn’t really surprise me that The Creator knows about that.”

“Coming out to your friends can happen any time. The only one who’s going to think differently of you is Rainbow.” I gave her a smile.

Her cheeks stayed bright red. “Why Rainbow?”

“She wants some tail, Love.”

“Aw buck me! Why couldn't it be Pinkie?”

“... How bad do you want it to be?” I asked with an amused look.

“Not bad enough for you to make it happen.” She said firmly, preferring Free Will to do as it pleased.

“I wouldn’t be making anything happen.” I snickered.

“... Two of my friends want some?”

“Three.”

“You’re buckin’ with me.”

“Rarity.”

“Ew.”

“I don’t like them much either. Most Raritys are cunts.” I admitted.

“What’s cunt mean?”

“Jerk, but meaner.”

“Ya ain’t wrong on that one. Still, why do they want me?”

I gave her an obvious once over. “You tell me, blindness. On that note; take care and try not to let Twilight get kicked too hard, okay?”

“That’s real forebodin’, Max.”

“It’s foreshadowing.” I wiggled my fingers at her before fading away and letting time flow as it would.

“I’ll send him a note, but I really don’t think I should.” Twilight said uneasily, folding her arms and giving Applejack a concerned look before shaking her head and staring. “Wait, when did you turn around?”

I whispered to Applejack and she faced her friend. “Uh… Dunno what you’re talkin’ about. If ya really don’t think ya should, then don’t.”

Twilight tilted her head. “... It’s odd that you’re giving in so easily, but I’m not complaining.” She got back to packing and Applejack rubbed her face when she was sure Twilight wasn’t looking.

“I just met the buckin’ Creator.” She muttered to herself, too low for Twilight to hear. Louder, she said, “Hey Twi, do ya know if Spike is out and about?”

“No, he should be in his room, as usual.” The purple Mare giggled at her little brother’s social life, or rather, the lack thereof. She’d caught him talking to her owl on multiple occasions, and it was more than pet-talk.

Applejack frowned. “You really need to make that colt get out more, Twi.”

“He’s fine. He’s just a little eccentric is all.”

“Riiight. And I’m a liar-liar-pants-on-fire.”

“He’s not weird.”

“Never said he wa~as” Applejack chimed, stepping out of the room.

Twilight rolled her eyes and checked her list one last time, finding everything to be rather copacetic. Everything on her list was in her travel bag, and she had room for a few of her favorite snacks. The next thing on her to-do list was go see Pinkie, so after a few minutes of rechecking her list, she went to go get Applejack and caught her as she was leaving Spike’s room.

“What did you want to talk to Spike about?” Twilight asked.

Applejack shrugged. “Same thing I always ask about.”

“You’re still not going to tell me?”

“Some things are only meant for the right ears, Sugarcube.” Applejack answered, her tone barring further questioning.

Twilight pouted about it for a second. “... You’re not kissing him, are you?”

AJ took a moment to think, but I didn’t need to say anything. “Twi, I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh. Then that wouldn’t really make sense.”

“Me bein’ gay or me kissin’ Spike?” Applejack asked apprehensively.

Twilight gave her a look. “You kissing Spike. Why would you being gay need to make sense to anypony but you?”

Applejack gave her a little smile. “Guess it wouldn’t.”

❖☬❖

I think the phrase ‘Fuck my life’ gets thrown around a little too casually. If someone stubs a toe and gets a hangnail from it, it’s not weird to hear them say it. When someone loses their coinpurse one way or another, they’re most likely going to say it. Parents with children? They say it all the time. Me? I don’t say it that often because my life could typically be a lot worse. I know of a lot of people who had it a lot worse than me in most given moments. However, most of those people weren’t sitting a booth with a guy who wasn’t exactly a cannibal, but… Sapiavore sounds good. A psychopathic sapiavore was forcing me into a seedy, dimly lit ‘restaurant’ where the din of conversation was all but absent. No, there was something going on in A Taste of Evil, and it was beyond horrifying.

(Ctrl+F ‘Oh-Fuck-No.’ To Skip.)

The screams of the day’s Satyr rang throughout the underground shop, and I was made well aware of the fact that she was just one of an entire stock of poor, innocent creatures that were being sliced to pieces. Alive. If I’d eaten before being carried into that Hælhole, I would’ve been ill the second I saw her strapped to the vertical table. Her pleas for mercy, her cries of innocence, went unheard by the clientele within the shop as a slim Griffin teamed up with a Molly to burn the fur off of her before chopping off another hunk of meat to throw on the grill. The scent of the goat-woman’s flesh made my stomach churn because it didn’t smell like goat to me. It smelled every bit as Human as the smoke that had poured from the Brotherhood keep I’d torched to avenge Vex, and even then I knew that I wasn’t necessarily sane. I knew then that I was some kind of monster, but I am not Pops. He sat me down and told me to stay with the same smile he’d worn all day, and the only reason I listened to him was because my gut said that it wouldn’t begin well for me if I did, but it's not like he would let it end anyway.

I froze and and put on my facade as best I could, my Flash Face faltering as I looked into the future. A smile that my heart rejected crept its way onto my face as Pops made his way back to our booth and settled in. “They’re gonna wheel it over so we can pick where we want our meat from! Isn’t it great to have a Bampas with influence?”

“Sure is, Pops.” I replied, doing my damnedest not to sound as weak as I felt.

“Damn straight! Ya know, my Pateras was a real influential guy too! The name Heracles still carries weight around the capital!”

“Wow, what did Grandad do to get so well respected?” I asked, feigning interest in a dead man.

“Ah, he used to be a Champion of Pankration! That, and he was a King’s Man to boot! Your Grandad went all across Minosia to slay great beasts, conquer legends, and he even returned the Golden Fleece to Minosian lands before he retired to fuck his Cows silly! He fucked your Granny to death, you know? Gave her so many calves that she died durin' childbirth, but that’s where your Pops comes inta the picture!”

“Ah. Explains why we haven’t said much about her.”

“Sure does!” He glanced over to something that I heard and didn’t want to see. “Look, son! The meat’s here!” I kept my eyes on him until he glanced back and narrowed his eyes at me. “Didn’t I just tell you to do something?”

“Yeah. Sorry, spaced out for a moment.” I said truthfully, tearing my eyes away from the monster to an innocent soul who didn’t deserve… This.

I laid eyes on her, she couldn’t lay eyes on me, and I suppose I should be thankful that I didn’t have to meet the gaze of someone I was powerless to save. It was sunset by the time we’d gotten to the outskirts of Hæl, which meant that her arms were gone; the left one all the way up to the shoulder and the right to what I thought was the lower part of the tricep. One of her breasts had been cut off, but the other was bare, exhibited for all to see as if the Satyr could have no pride, no modesty, and her sex was exposed. A few bones were crammed into her, some still holding pieces of what I assumed were her own muscle tissue, and I hoped that the blood on them wasn’t from them being shoved into her. I inwardly pleaded for that to be the case. I looked at her legs and only saw one, cut up with chunks and long patches of bare muscle showing, and on the outside of her thigh, bone. Her stomach had been wrapped up to keep her innards from becoming outtards, but what I saw then only scarred me so deeply.

“Ah, looks like we got here a little late, doesn’t it?” Pops asked, looking at the victim.

“Keep tellin’ ya that you’ve got ta get in here before Zephos does, Odie.” The female Griffin scoffed. “If you want the best cuts, noon is when we open.”

“Eh, she’s still got a tongue! Ya saved it just for me, dincha?” He sounded like he’d just been told that he’d gotten the last sweet in the shop.

“Always, big Bull.” The Molly gave him a wink.

I pointed at the bones sticking out of the woman’s quim. “What’s up with that? Shit’s weird.”

A split second of distraction. That’s all I got. That’s all I needed. I knew I couldn’t make a sure-kill, but when I flung the cleaver the Molly hadn’t noticed I’d palmed form her belt, I threw it with plenty enough force to bury it into the Satyr’s skull, and that made me unpopular with Pops pretty quick. “Now whaddya go and do that for, son?” He asked, his voice too level.

“I didn’t think you’d let me kill her if I just asked.” I replied.

“We woulda.” The Griffin scoffed. “Any Patron can-”

“No.” Pops said firmly. “I was enjoying the music.”

The torturer that had been talking to me glared at Pops. “Wanna interrupt me again and get banned?”

Pops snorted and pointed at me. “You owe me licks when we get home.”

“Yes sir.” I answered, accepting the consequences I’d known were coming.

He snorted again. “There’s no fun in eating without music. Hearing the Demons gargle on their own blood is why I ask for the tongue.”

“You’re sick, you know that?” The Molly giggled. “Why don’t I cut out the womb for you, big Bull?”

Pops looked at me. “Give it to my son. It’s said that the womb is full of nutrients.”

“Can’t say I’d eat it. Don't eat things that can talk.” I said suicidally.

“You’ll eat here or you won’t eat at all today.” Pops barked.

“Yes sir.”

“Good!” He beamed. “Cut up that snatch for him!”

“You misunderstood. I’ll go hungry.” I said coldly, my ribs aching with the weight of the pit in my stomach.

He glared at me and I felt my balls shrivel up inside to hide from their demise. “‘Scuse you?”

“You gave me a choice, Pops. You’re a Bull of your word, right?”

The pit disappeared, but my ribs still hurt. “Five licks for bein’ a smartass on top a’ goin’ ta bed hungry.” Pops said, his voice dripping with lunacy.

The two women chuckled nervously. “Uh, Odie? Ya brought a sympathizer in?” The Molly asked.

“Say a word to Deskit and neither of you live to cut me up another meal.”

They traded a look that I saw in my periphery. I never took my eyes off of Pops. “Say, Pops. Why don’t we grab a steak from a cattle instead?” I deadpanned.

The dæmons of Hæl ditched me to die on my own as Pops tilted his head. “Did ya honestly just ask me if I wanted to eat one a’ my ancestors?”

“On Terra, there are tales of Fauns, goat people that live in harmony with Dryads and Leshies. Tales of them helping lost travelers find their way home, helping merchants of out of the woods, hiding thieves from unjust persecution. You asked me to eat a child of my Goddess, a demi-goddess.”

“... I don’t know what the bloody fuck yer talkin’ about, but I got a switch with your name on it back at the house. Ya can bloody walk this time.”

“Yes sir.” I replied. The Flash Face got me out of trouble once again, and I was relieved to get out of the situation with minimal stains on my psyche.

I went to get up from the table and Pops said, “Sit.”

I was about to die. There was no doubt on this one. I sat.

“You wanna defy me? You don’t. Cut a piece off of it and eat it raw.”

I froze. I had one choice if I wanted to live, but could I really call myself a man if I let fear rule me? Could I still walk with my chin off of my chest if I let some stranger dictate what I did, my own morals be damned? The thing was, I wouldn’t walk away from this one. This trap had no rusty hinge to worry away at. No loose bars in this gaol. No locks to pick in this prison. Pops was offering me a choice without offering it. Become a bloody heathen heretic, or die.

“... No.” I answered, looking Dissida’s son in the eye as calmly as I could. Furladra, I’ve given you so many offerings, filled your eternal coffers with gold that could have been used to fill my stomach. I know I didn’t give all of it willingly in the early days, but I brought you far, far more valuable things in the later years of my own free will. All I ask is for a swift journey to your side.

I tried to dodge Pops’ grabbing hand, but he still seized me by the follicles and slammed my head on the table between us twice, hard enough to leave me more than a little dazed before he pulled me out of my seat. “Tough, aintcha? Thought Pops ain’t gonna back it up with might, dincha?” He was none to gentle about pulling me away from the booth, and if I’d been able to think that life sucked with a split brow and an aching head, I would’ve corrected myself the first time I got bounced off of the floor. The second time was a little worse.

“Fuck.” I muttered numbly.

Pops picked me up by the head and slammed me onto the table a couple of times, turning me a little every time while he did a damn fine job of making me think that my walking days were over. I felt him let go as he said, “Ya brought this on yerself, son. Ya makin’ me do stuff I don’t wanna do when ya coulda just ate the whore.”

I could barely move, but I tried rolling onto my side nonetheless to get the pressure off of the aching vertebrae in my upper and lower back, but Pops caught me before I could roll off of the table. “The fuck do you think yer goin’? Stay still before I bounce your fuckin’ skull off the table again.” He growled.

“Kill yourself.” I tried, hoping that he would fuck up and overdo it.

He didn’t hear me, but I felt something warm and salty get shoved into my mouth. “Chew.” Pops clamped his hand over my mouth, and none of my retching did me any favors when he forced my jaws to start working.

Furladra… I’m sorry… It’s not my choice. It’s not me doing this. I’m trying, Mistress, but I can’t… I’m sorry for being weak.

“Swallow.”

Forgive me. Forgive me for this sin against your children. Testify on my behalf in the Court of The End.

I couldn’t have choked it down, even if I wanted to, but Pops didn’t actually need me for much of anything. He forced my jaws open. “Ya wanna fuckin’ do this this hard way? We can do it the hardest way.” He crammed the half-chewed flesh of another sentient, sapient creature down my throat, but that wasn’t the only piece that reached my stomach. Time and time again he crammed chunks of flesh down my throat until my body forced me to swallow them, though I tried to choke on them.

I fought as hard as I could. I tell myself that, but I’m going to Hæl. Sin number one is to consume the flesh of another Human; to become a cannibal. The most recent source of blood on my hands wasn’t a Human, but the Gods would agree that anything that could speak its mind is close enough. Furladra… Have I not served you well? Amelemme, did I not give freely as you asked? Dissida, did I not sacrifice an several entire deer to you for my crimes? Zdenek… Why will you not take me to my Mistress?

(Ctrl+F ‘Oh-Fuck-No.’ To Skip.)

Pops evidently thought I’d had enough because he finally stopped committing crimes against all races and threw me to the floor again where I began throwing up pieces of the dense muscle tissue. He just picked me up by an arm and started dragging me out of the shop, but then a screech like a chicken-hawk sounded followed by two more that sounded a little different “Odysseus!”

I was still chucking up pieces of meat and squeezing them out of my throat when Pops dropped me. “Deskit! Old buddy!”

“Odysseus you fuck-kinned’ cattle!” Deskit screeched. “You start beating on patrons in my shop!? You think you can just fuckin’ waste my meat!? You don’t cramSatyr down someone’s fuck-kinthroat! You savor it! You taste it! You appreciate it! I don’t give two fuckin’ shits!” He took a moment to seethe and carried on like he hadn’t stopped. “About who the fuck you are! You do not disrespect me and my bloody meat!”

Deskit was a psychopath too. If he owned A Taste of Evil, then he had to be.

Odysseus bellowed out some laughter and kicked me casually, though the only reason I say ‘casually’ is because he let his hoof rest against me before flinging me into a wall. We were deep into the spacious shop, and I bounced off of the low ceiling before hitting the cobblestone wall, and I think the initial bounce was the main reason I didn’t die. I missed what went on after that because I finally flashed out. I woke up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, but the bones in the walls told me that I was in the Catacombs, and the Mare who was sitting next to me, reading a book, was a familiar face. Maud had sent her off to go get Steely and make him take my blankets to the room I think I only ever actually slept in once.

“Heya.” I muttered, by head aching something fierce, too much to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time.

“You’re awake.” The Mare said softly. “You don’t know how lucky you are, Mercuria. You really don’t.”

“Don’t feel like it.” I answered a little more softly, my entire body aching and trembling from the pain.

“Bet you don’t.” She conceded. “Doesn’t mean you aren’t. Today was the last day Maud could keep you alive based off of her word. Tomorrow would have been a fight for her, and it wouldn’t have stopped with Fresch and Schrade. After them would have been Odysseus or Kerrick by his proxy, and Kerrick stands a very good chance of winning against your Special Someone himself. Let Odysseus not even be a factor, and you almost lost your life.”

“Made me eat a Satyr. Hæl awaits.” I breathed.

She stroked my cheek, but that didn’t exactly feel good due to the sensitivity of my face. “... Keep your head down and heal up. Odysseus doesn’t want a thing to do with you until you can fight again, but there’s no deadline on that right now.”

I faded out of consciousness and woke up to the sensation of firm lips being pressed against mine. I knew who they belonged to in moments. “Mauble.”

“My dearest Epidote... You pulled through.” She droned, her tone hushed and as gentle as I think her voice could get.

“Wish I’d gone softly.”

“We are rarely afforded that luxury.” She stroked my hair. “You must fight, Epidote. Please fight for me.”

“What’s the damage?”

“... Most of your limbs, ribs and vertebrae are fractured, if not cracked. You have been fed Phedra and Opus Magnate to keep you from dying of shock and to prevent release of marrow into your muscular tissue. Odysseus wanted to give you the best chance of living, but…”

“What are they?” I murmured, laying eyes on her for the first time.

“Phedra is an alchemical solution made for the purpose of purging your body of toxins and ridding it of materials being where they don’t belong. The fragments of bone and the jagged edges would have torn your neural network to pieces without it. It is likely that you will either survive from this ordeal with a higher pain tolerance or live with constant aches due to nerve damage.”

“Opus?”

“... An addictive pain reliever. We will wean you as you heal, but it is not guaranteed that you will recover fully in the next year from having it introduced to your system. Your body seems to be doing a terrible job of metabolising it, so that is a small blessing.”

“Why?”

“If you do not feel withdrawal at this moment, then it is a good sign.” She sighed. "It has been a day since your last dose.”

“I’ll manage without. How long?”

“How long for what?”

“Been down.”

“... A little over a week.” Maud said, her voice dipping. “You have been fighting sickness from eating raw meat as well as healing from your injuries.”

“... Zdenek will guide me.” I said, sending a prayer to Furladra to ask her brother to help me seek what I desired.

“Who is Zdenek, Epidote?”
‘
“God of Death.” And Vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.

“... Please, Dear. I ask that you fight for me.” Maud replied, her voice warbling ever so slightly.

Weakness was wrought throughout my body, but I could move with considerable effort. Maud helped me along the way and took my hand as I tried to offer it to her, and when I opened my eyes to give her a strained smile, I saw tears in her eyes, one of them brutally blackened, though her mouth was still set in a straight line as per the usual. “Can’t keep me down.” I closed my eyes when I chuckled because it hurt. “Pride won’t let me die easy.”

“Have I ever mentioned to you that I enjoy your voice? When we spoke, even of the evils of your Guild, it was enchanting. Your wisdom, your spirit carries in your words. I wish to hear your voice again. I wish to hear it strong once more.”

I squeezed her hand as hard as I could, knowing it wasn’t amounting to much. “Where’d you get the shiner?”

She barked out, “Ha. I was upset with Odysseus when he told me that you defied him. It earned me my bruise.”

“Shows through your fur.”

“Pony fur is unique in that it carries minute, microscopic blood vessels. Cutting it will not make it bleed, but hitting it hard enough will make it bruise. It does not show through my fur.”

“Musta hurt.”

“I only felt it when I woke up.”

I faded out again soon after that, and the next time I woke up, my body felt considerably stronger, which really isn’t saying a damned thing. I could roll onto my side and keep my eyes open for about a minute, but it was still painful to do both. The person sitting in the chair next to my bed this time was the Mare from before, and when she heard/saw me move, she gave me a smile. “Hey there, Mercuria. How are you feeling?”

I cleared my throat and swallowed. “Shitty, but less like cow shit and more like rabbit shit.”

“So instead of a steaming pile it’s more of a firm pellet?” She giggled.

“Exactly.” I wheezed out a couple chuckles. “How long’s it been this time?”

“The last time anyone caught you fully awake was when Maud was here two days ago. You slipped into delirium for awhile.”

“Glad to not recall. How long do I have to get it together?”

“Still no deadline, Merc. You’re getting to be pretty popular around Bonetown with how Odysseus keep raving about your progress. He’s admitted that he expected you to die.”

“Sick bastard.”

“... I can’t disagree in good faith, but I can’t agree because I’m scared.” She chortled weakly.

I nodded and closed my eyes. “It’s not important. He’s still claiming me?”

“... His last couple of sons weren’t disowned either, they just never made it as far as you… Gordat lasted the longest, and he had injuries like yours.”

“How long did he last.”

“Half the time it took for you to come to in the first place. He was a little worse off, but he got Phedra and Opus all the same. Just didn’t save him.” She said sadly, trying to wear a smile.

I sensed a deeper connection in that story, so I decided to ask about it. “You were sweet on him, weren’t you?”

“Like sugar, Merc. Pinch Pull was head Healer back then, and I was his apprentice. At least I got to tell him how I felt, even if he wasn’t there for it.”

“What’s your name, Lover?”

“Tangerine Breeze.”

“Breeze. Sorry for your loss.”

“I’m sorry for your life. Odysseus isn’t going to let you go.” Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them away.

“... You really hate it here.”

“I wanna go home.” She said thickly. “I’m an Equestrian at heart. Born and raised.”

“How’d you get here?”

“I came with my Mom on a Healer’s Journey, making rounds at underfunded clinics and orphanages. One of the Minosian Princes foalnapped my Mom and I ended up getting recruited by Bite-Back, but we were too late to save her. Now? Now people like us are trapped in a rebellion following the sickest bucker to walk on hooves with no way out.” Breeze wiped away some tears and gave me a smile. “Maud keeps telling me that you could get out. I really hope you do.”

I offered her my hand and she took it. The difference between her and Maud was palpable. Where as Maud hand was sturdy and solid, like two inch thick, velvet covered living leather, Breeze’s hand was delicate and fragile, not unlike Twilight’s. I wondered if Unicorns were just made of softer stuff than Earth Ponies. “I got stuff to do, Breeze. Not overnight, but stuff nonetheless.”

“It’s not worth your life. Not worth living like this, Gauche.”

I chuckled and smirked at her, opening my eyes again. “Fuck said I was gonna live like this? I know it wasn’t me.”

“... Going against Odysseus is suicide. Kerrick and Maud might not like him, but even they can’t go against him. Not even with Steely, Dagger Fall, and Jason.” Breeze said softly. “You might be good, but I was there for your fight. Dagger Fall is the weakest out of them, but he would still kill you after a few minutes.”

“Ye of little faith. Ain’t you never heard of a thief’s will?”

“... Can’t say that I have.” She admitted.

“Furladra might have forsaken me in the moment, but that’s because she has little to do when you’re not sticking things in pockets. Still, all of us who bear her Seal are blessed nonetheless. We never lose a mark.”

“... I don’t wanna watch another decent person die, Gauche. If you’re going to get yourself killed, don't ask me to approve.”

I squeezed her hand. “Ye of little faith.”

She let me go and I pushed myself up to sit, gritting my teeth before Tangerine Breeze put her hand on my shoulder. “Easy, now. Don’t get out of bed until you think you can walk.”

“Took a daubed bolt to the leg once. Poison damn near killed me. I was walking before shit was out of my system.” I grunted, swinging my legs over the side of the bed with 'a little' difficulty since everything hurt.

“Being a tough guy doesn’t matter to me, Gauche. Don't strain yourself.”

“Ha! Half of this bullshit is from not moving for damn near two weeks-”

“Two full weeks and some change.”

“That one, then. Still. Gotta work the kinks out some time.”

“Let me get you some Shaka. It’s a muscle relaxer that ought to help.”

I shook my head. “Sounds like it’ll fuck up my coordination. Gonna need my sea legs for this one.” I put my feet on the cold stone and Breeze helped me hoist myself to my feet. I swayed in place for a few moments while Breeze made sure that I didn’t topple over, but I had some limbering up to do.

She coached me through a few exercises that would help me get my strength back, but before too long, a gnawing ache in my stomach that wasn’t instinct told me that I needed to eat. Breeze asked me if I could stomach a regular meal and I was pretty sure that I could, so she exited the room and apparently sent one of her assistants off to grab my grub because an unfamiliar Tom came back with a bowl of broth and a Cow was close behind with a tray of actual food. I drank the broth and it was honestly pretty good. Chicken broth was always a favourite of mine whenever I could find a shop that sold it plain with salt and pepper, and the tray didn’t have any red meat on it, so I didn’t puke. The very thought of beef, pork, goat, venison; all of it, makes me sick to my stomach. I doubt I’ll ever be able to eat a steak again, but apparently poultry is still on the menu, which is great because I love foie gras, even if it’s not from a force-fed fowl. Duck liver is just tasty, but that has little to do with anything. Recovery was shaping up to be slow, but my mind was working the entire time I was lucid.

No one crosses Garrison Varas and gets away kosher. No one.

Author's Note

And this one was another fun chapter to write. The tone shift between Twilight's day and Gauche's was great reading back through it.

Chapter Six: Counting Crew

Chapter Six: Counting Crew

]‘Physical Therapy’, as Tangerine Breeze called it, sucked limes harder than just about anything I’d ever done before. Everything always hurt, and during one of my jobs to get myself back to moving beyond walking, I fucked up my back and took two days to recover from that. However, eight days after that, I was doing passably. I still couldn’t go out on missions, but there were few enough targets to take care of anyway, and fewer were the jobs that required my area of expertise. Pops let me rest as I needed to, but I saw him on the first day that Breeze cleared me to go topside, and he told me that the only reason I could leave The Catacombs at the time was to go see my sisters and mothers. I didn’t really want to since I couldn’t stroll the nights away anyway, so I did something I actually wanted to.

I cooked up a stew.

Pops had his loyalists to be sure, but there were far more people that were… displeased, with his ways of management. Bite-Back was crafted to handle targets like Odysseus, marks that had gotten to big for their britches and liked to throw their weight around to make shit happen. I gathered my intel and got the consensus subtly through conversational manipulation and knowing tells from vague enough questions that wouldn’t give me away from the spark. There were a few shots in the dark, guesses from possible conspirators with like goals that I often Flash Faced my way out of, but there were few solid allies. It was just my luck that Frieda happened to be one of them.

Picking up from that conversation, it happened on the third day after I’d been cleared to leave the HQ and it started with Frieda catching me in the Training Hall, working out with some other Bite-Back members to get back into shape. We got ourselves to a quiet spot and she began with, “You might want to get lost soon, Gauche. Shit doesn’t look great for you right now.”

“I’m good where I’m at. I might have my hands dirty, but I know how to keep my nose clean for as long as I need to.” I answered readily. People had been telling me to similarly ‘get lost quick’ in as many words or more in the past few weeks, and those were often the people that were my possible conspirators.

Frieda touched my arm and clicked her beak. “You’re going to get yourself killed, Gauche. You really are.”

“I don’t see how it’s any of your concern unless you’d like a smarmy prick to give your beak a peck, and you don’t want said prick to be Schrade, right?.” I cracked a smile at her.

Frieda didn’t return the gesture with the corners of her beak like some Griffins had. “People don’t want to see Odysseus execute another son for disappointing him, Gauche.”

“Then why don’t we just execute him?” I asked, my voice dipping, tinged with a bit of Zdenek’s lunacy myself.

Freida opened her beak, then closed it after a moment. “That’s suicidal.”

“I can do it, but Bite-Back needs to be pared down; split up into loyalists to The Fuckwad and Counting Crew.” I said softly, seeing if Frieda was on board.
She clicked her beak loudly enough to make me wince. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Body counters. Yeah.”

She clicked her beak three times in a rapid staccato and my stomach filled with warm coffee, which is to say that I felt energized. “I’ve already got Counting Crew, former Streetwalkers and Brothel Babies who are loyal to the name ‘Elfrieda Fraula’. You want our help, you have it.”

I offered her my hand and she took it. “The Fuckwad give you trouble?”

Frieda clicked her beak twice in place of scoffing. “He’s sent more than a few of us to our deaths for friends of his. Nearly got my ass split in half when he tricked me into dealing with a Dog buddy he has.”

“How are his instincts?” I asked.

“Not bad, but they’re not psychic or anything. I’ve seen Fuckwad get owned by one man, and that was his brother, Jason. You get him on our side, and everyone will follow you.”

I nodded. “Good to know. Looks like it’s about time for me to go topside anyway. Say, would you happen to know where I could buy some Dragon Fire? I’ve been getting letters from a friend, and I can’t use Zggarath to send anything back since he’s a prick, and said friend might be a friend.” I gave her a subtle wink.

Frieda nodded. “Clear it with Maud and Odysseus and I’ll take you to go grab a vial of the stuff, but I’ll warn you now that it’s going to run you a couple hundred drachs for whatever you get.”

“Do I need a vial or a small jar?” I asked.

“Small jar, always. Unless you’re only using it to sneak letters, then it’s nice to be able to send something bigger than a piece of candy. The fire will engulf something about the size and thickness of your hand, if you have a small jar, that is.”

I nodded. “And a vial?”

“It decreases exponentially. You could only fit something that would fill the vial. Dragon Fire can only send as much as the Dragon who set the fire would want the jar to handle, so I suggest picking up a two-and-a-halfer jelly jar.”

I could devote a pouch to an instant messenger that would keep the new notes from dropping in front of me as they came. They were getting harder to hide, and the only saving grace I’d had was that Maud had been collecting them for me and that Breeze was a supporter in my cause. “Would you happen to know a bugkeeper?”

“... Yeah, actually. Why?”

“Put ‘em in contact with me after I buy the vial. I’ll need their help.”

“Saka is fuckin’ weird, Gauche, but I guess you are too. I’ll get you to him-”

“Ah son! Making plans to go topside, are we!?” Pops boomed from some distance away, though I doubt he’d actually heard us.

“Trying to get some Dragon Fire after I see the Moo-Moo Xysmas.” I answered at the same volume.

“Ah, then I’ll take ya now!” He ‘offered’.

“Let me grab my armour from Festus, Pops.”

“Ah, sure, sure.” Pops nodded a few times. “Good warrior needs good armour if he’s not a born and bred Minotaur, after all! You smaller races never could match up when it came to pain!”

I nodded along with him. “I’m interested to see what he’s come up with. I’ve never heard of using caribou leather to make armour.”

“What did ya use before?” Pops asked brightly.

“... You don’t wanna know that bad. Trust me on this one.” I answered evenly after giving it some consideration.

“Fair enough! As long as it’s only a backup now!”

I gave him another curt nod and gave Frieda a look and she patted my shoulder. “I’ll catch you another time, you furless weirdo.”

“Bite me, Freaky-Beaky.”

“I don’t bite, but I do peck.” She grumbled menacingly.

“Bite and chew, Beaky.” I taunted with a grin.

She moved to peck at me and I got out of her range before she could actually do it. “Keep it up, Gauche. I’ll peck your eyes out.”

“Blind my boy and I’ll split ya tail to tops!” Pops laughed heartily.

Frieda rolled her eyes. “Like I’d actually do it, Odie. Go somewhere and mount your Cows.”

“They’ve all got headaches.” He grumbled. “Next time, I’m just taking the tail.”

I glanced at Frieda and there was fire in her eyes, but we just caught each other’s gaze. “I’ll see ya, Lover. Take it easy and stay safe.”

“Safe as we get. Heal up well, Sweetheart.”

We touched the sides of our fists to each other’s, as was common amongst the Thieves Guild, though I’d noticed that the knuckle-bump, courtesy of the Brawlers/Warriors Guild was more common than our thing. I joined Pops and we went and got my armour from Festus, and I had to say that I was impressed by his craftsmanship. Instead of a layered leather cuirass like I’d been expecting, he’d made me a lacquered woven leather one with steel plates that didn’t make a noise as I moved around with it on. It was definitely better than what I’d been expecting, and there were other large armoured portions of the combination covering my arms, thighs, and there was a good, thin portion that ran with my spine. I was pretty decently protected, all things considered, seeing as how it was all well made and the base of the armour was a thick though malleable leather that was hard to cut through, resistant to stabs all the same. It was a marked step up from my usual stuff, and it was a fair bit lighter than what I was expecting it to be, but I’d still need to get used to running around in it.

While Odysseus was marveling at a tasty looking battle axe that I would have loved to fence to some dolt with too much muscle in his brain and more than enough coin in his pocket, Festus passed me a pair of gloves that were a decent enough. They wouldn’t replace the far superior pair that I’d had Elva, the Guild’s craftswoman, make for me a few years ago, but I’d gone all out with getting my armour and had wanted gloves, so gloves I got. They were probably more suited for climbing than my fingerless ones since they had a rough, grippy texture that wouldn’t allow your hand to slide over it, but I still needed to get back to climbing in general, so I got Pops and asked him if he had a mark for me that I could take in the night to keep my skills sharp.

“So eager to get back into the field, are we!?” Pops asked cheerfully as we left Bonetown.

“Claws get dull when you’re not sharpening them, Pops. Gotta stay on top of my game.” I answered realistically.

“Well, I can have your little buddy Frieda take ya to the guy who pushed her inta Bite-Back if ya think ya got the stones for it.” He said, his voice dripping with absolute madness.

I stopped him and pulled my cowl down to give him my cockiest smirk. “Pops, I could steal the ring from your nose and tie your tail around it if I really wanted.”

He gave me a look with a smile. “Arrogance runs in the blood, don’t it?”

I held up the ring I’d nicked from him the moment the conversation started. “It’s not arrogance.”

Pops’ jaw dropped for a second as I held it out for him to take back. “... I didn’t even feel it! That’s a heckuva party trick, son!”

“You want something from someone and you want it done right, you know my name.”

“Sure do! Yup, I’m definitely sendin’ ya in for a mission, and it’s as stated now: Kill Prince Sectus.” He end with a snarl.

“Want me to rob him blind and make the Guild- Er, Bite-Back, a little extra scratch?”

“... What’s your priority?”

“Get in, take life, take goods, take leave. In that order.” I said, leaving no room for doubt in my words.

“Damn straight!” Pops said jovially. “I’ll break your hand if I catch ya lyin’ ta me about which ya did first, so keep it in mind, okay son?”

“Gotcha. Kill, then steal.”

“So how did ya plan on leavin’ the cadaver?”

“Want me to send a message?”

“Yup!” Pops popped the manhole cover and we clambered out of it and into the same abandoned building I’d once made my hideout. It’s odd to think that I hid right above Bite-Back’s entrance, but I tried to leave it out of my mind.

“Some old friends of mine., the Hæl-Riders, were fond of the ‘chopped and screwed’ method of getting people sent to Hæl.”

“And what’s ‘chopped and screwed’?”

“Castrating someone and fucking them with their own cock.” I answered flippantly.

“... I like it! Prooove that we ain’t nothin’ ta fuck with!” He mooed and it was weird.

I nodded. “Gotcha. What’s the pay for the job if I don’t pick up loot on my way out?”

“It’s a thousand for a pair of Royal Horns. Get those and you’re guaranteed some good scratch!” We exited through the back and the business talk was officially over. I had the mission and the reward, so I had what I considered ‘enough’, but just barely. I planned on asking more about the job later.

“Good to hear. So what are some of my sisters like?”

“Ah, most of ‘em would drink their milk if they could. The majority of ‘em are already claimed by other Bulls, but a few of my girls still live at home. Yer youngest sister is about to be marryin’ age, so it’s well within yer right ta make a move on ‘er if ya wanna get inta the family that way!” He gave me a conspicuous wink.

“How old is marrying age around these parts?” I asked uneasily.

“Twelve!”

“... I think I’d rather be blood. Most twelve year olds I know are annoying.” I said, Flash Face stuck to my features. Aria had barely made it to her twelfth year. I didn’t like the sound of the proposition very much, and I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions as to why.

“That she is, son! That she is!” He bellowed, leading us down the street.

We passed a few open air smithies, more shops than I cared to remember, and a few other types of establishments based around the government or the military as we went, though it wasn’t until we got near the residential district of town that Pops pulled me into a shop that had a warhammer smashing a rat on the sign. The name carved into transom’s flat was ‘Vermintide’, which was an odd name if there ever was one, but if Minotaurs used warhammers to crush rats, then I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more of them around than they could casually whack. I hadn’t seen many in Bonetown, but I’d still seen them, and they were some surprisingly big fuckers.

The inside of the shop was hotter than Hæl and smelled like the forge was on the inside. I say that because of the smoke and the smell of sweat on the air, and I must say that bovine sweat fucking reeks. I tried not to gag or to sweat too hard myself, but the main thing was the fellow manning the front of the shop. He looked young for a Minotaur and he seemed to be bearing the heat well, but he was definitely afraid of Pops. He rose as soon as he was who it was and smiled nervously.

“Da! Odysseus has come by for that sword!” The young guy called out.

“Ha! Good guess as always, Strophis! Can’t say I can hear the sound of Gilly workin’, though.”

“That’s ‘cause I ain’t, ya undersized lout.” A Minotaur even fucking larger than Pops came out from behind the shop. One of his horns was badly chipped, but they were both longer than Pops’ and he seemed like he would be the meaner of the two. “How ya been, fucktard?”

Pops guffawed at that for a sec. “I been good, Big Bro! I just wanted ta bring by the nephew ya made that sword for!”

‘Gilly’ gave me a look. “Gileus. How long do you think you’ll last?”

“I’ve picked up a few tips. I’ll last as long as I need to.” I answered confidently.

Pops clapped me on the back. “He ain’t exactly wet behind the ears neither! He’s a good one for the cause, I’ll tell ya!”

Gileus gave his brother a frown. “Whatever ya say, Odie.” He held up a weird looking sword and sheath that seemed to be about as long as my arm. The thing seemed like a dagger in his hand, compared to the longsword it would have been in mine. He tossed it to me and I caught it one-handed because I was supposed to, otherwise I would’ve looked green. “Give ‘er a look, Gauche. See if ya like ‘er.”

I unsheathed the blade and from the get go, I was disappointed. The steel was shoddy; I could see the grain in the shit and it was just bad. There were pits in the steel where it hadn’t actually been sanded much to give it a decent shine or anything. I unsheathed the rest of it and ‘admired’ the craftsmanship, but when compared to the leather and plates I was wearing, the sword fell flatter than I would’ve if Odysseus would’ve clapped my back a little harder. The thing hadn’t even been sharpened. Period. I dropped my cowl and scowled at Gileus, and yes, I said scowl instead of anything else because I like to rhyme. Bitch at me and I’ll rob you, wanker.

“Gileus, the fuck are you trying to pull, Bruv? Are you trying to get me killed?” I asked testily.

He glared at me with considerable heat. “Fuck you just say to me, calf?”

“Oh shit.” His son breathed.

“Don’t tell me you’re bloody deaf, Bruv. Handin’ me this, I already know you’re dumb. I’ll pay you to make something better than whatever the fuck this is supposed to be,” I sheathed the sword and tossed hit back to him, “‘cause I know that shit has to be free.”

“Well…” Pops mumbled.

Gileus glared at me for another moment. “I might notta put much inta it, but ya don’t give back a gift, ya lout.”

I stayed on my toes. “You do if carrying it’s gonna get you killed. That’s a soft ‘steel’,” I hit him with some air quotes, “if it’s even steel at all. A good swing is either gonna bend it and make it useless, or it’s gonna shear through. I’ve enough Shilling Droppers get their arses cut up because of a pretty piece of garbage, and that’s not even pretty.”

Gileus finally smirked. “More to ya than I thought. Lemme go grab ya something worth a drach.”

“Wait, how long have ya been settin’ my boys up with bad steel!?” Odysseus boomed.

His brother gave him a look. “The Griffins and the Dogs. I ain’t given one a’ ours, someone ya actually shoulda kept, a bad weapon. Still ain’t gonna give this one ma best, but ya don’t pay me for this shit noways.”

“Fair enough.” Pops shrugged.

“What’s the point in carrying a sword that’s barely passable? Marks you in ways I’m not trying to get labeled, Pops. People with swords tend to get noticed and that’s my whole deal: Not being noticed.” I argued reasonably.

He looked at my belt and glanced at my knife. “So what else ya got besides that little blade?”

“Secrets that make me good at what you want me to do. It’s better that we keep what we say to ourselves. You and me. I don’t want a guy who’s trying to get me killed to know shit about me.”

Pops looked at Gileus. “He’s got a point. I’ll see ya around, Bro.”

Gilly waved him off. “Get a Minotaur for a son and I’ll give him Okthus the Soulbreaker.”

“Da! Ya promised Okthus ta me!” His son protested.

Gileus spared him a glance. “Make yer own damned weapon for once, ya oaf.”

The kid didn’t dare glare at anyone other than me, so that’s what he did. I had a problem with that. “You wanna scratch up, Bruv? Keep it movin’.”

“Bite me, meatsack.” He snarled.

Gileus and Pops laughed. “If y’all got a problem, why dontcha solve it?” Gilly suggested.

Pops stopped laughing. “Ah, no. My boy’ll kill yours.”

“Doesn’t matter. MOOO!” Gileus… mooed.

“MOOO!” was echoed by his brother and son, and his son leapt across the counter of the shop and started heading my way, so I pulled a few hidden knives from their sheths on my forearms and sent them at my target, one at a time. One caught him in the throat, another in the joint between horn and head, and the other two went into the base of his wide neck. Minotaurs are bulky enough creatures that none of them went very deep, but they were enough to make the guy stop and pull them out.

Despite my aching body, I could still outpace most Minotaurs since creatures with hooves are only fast in a straight line. All of the Griffins, Dogs, the couple of Cats, and even some of the Ponies themselves told me that they were only good for an outright race instead of the juking and jiving that every successful thief could pull off. I dodged Gilly’s grab for me as I dashed over to his son and used the pommel of my knife to break the guy’s wrists when he actually got ahold of me. Three good slams had his tendons snapping, and five more had him screaming like a stuck… cattle, not Cow. Cattle are just like cows from back home, so the dude who wanted to take his problems out on me was screaming like that. I ate three heavy punches to my ribs for my crimes, but I stepped into his guard when he went for the fourth and just stabbed him in the wrist on that one. I most likely just crippled him for life, and when I slammed my knife into his temple, I was sure that he was rattled and addled.

I let him fall on his own because I’m nice like that. I’d even let him keep his life. I turned to Gileus, who was looking pretty unhappy about the whole affair. “You want some too? Or do I have to set the last example your son ever sees for you to not fuck with me?”

Gilly turned to his brother. “Guy ain’t gettin’ shit from me.”

Odysseus raised a brow. “Your boy started it by lookin’ at him funny. Calf shouldnta been foolish. Don’t come cryin’ to me and mine cause yours couldn’t take care of himself.”

Gileus snorted. “If I didn’t know ya’d kill me for goin’ after ‘im, yer boy would be dead right now.”

“He’d kill ya.” Pops said bluntly. “Even after the lesson I taught ‘im, he’s still enough to handle ya. Not everyone can do what me an’ Dad do, Gilly, but Gauche comes close.” Pops looked at me. “We’ll getcha somethin’ somewhere else. Say goodbye to yer uncle.”

I gave him a two-fingered salute rather than the double digit dismissal, or 3D, as most Avalesch called it. “Call it peace here, Unc. Doesn’t need to go any further.”

He nodded. “Odie says yer too tough, yer too tough. S’not worth it.”

I nodded in turn. “Glad to have a reasonable mind around. I’ll see you when on better tides.”

“If ya crippled ma boy, I’m cripplin’ you.”

“Cripple my boy and I’ll cripple you.” Pops oathed. “Ya got away with Ludo because I wasn’t that fond, but the only reason I even took him was because he won a twofer-one and he was sweet on Hermine. Y’know she killed herself when he died, right?”

“Ah. I didn’t. Shame.”

“Damn lucky I don’t blame you for it.” Pops said as I got my knives back from the dolt who thought fighting strangers was a good idea.

When I looked back, they were both looking at me, so I held up my knives. “These things aren’t fuckin’ cheap, dammit! Do you know how hard it is to get someone to make these things consistently instead of just fucking them together like some simp?”

“I’m a smith.” Gilly said bluntly.

“I’ve worked with assassins for years. They always bitch about losing knives.” Pops said, bored. “Killin’ someone with a mallet is more fun.” He turned to his brother. “Speakin’ of, do ya got my mallet done ‘er what?”

Gilly rolled his eyes as I distanced myself from his stirring son. “I gotcha, Bro. Just don’t kill my calf while I’m gone, yeah?”

“Kill who I damn well please, and don’t you forget it!” Pops replied happily.

Gileus didn’t share his sentiment, but I felt the same way about him as I did about most Minotaurs, which is to say that they’re fucking stupid. However, The piece of steel he’d forged for his brother was an absolute wonder to look at, because the damned thing looked like a steel-capped pole was rammed through a rounded, rectangular block of steel. It reminded me of Dissida’s Song, which reads as such:

Dare look up and see the hottest Fyre; burning, flaming, filled with ire

Hæl is where her hammer sits; burning, flaming, filled with pits

Her eyes do pierce the lasting soul; burning, flaming, filled with holes

Check twice thine heart before the Moon: cold and hard, the final boon

For if thine heart there evil lies; Dissida knows; thou cannot lie

And much like Dissida’s hammer, so too was Odysseus’ filled with pits, and the parts of it that were polished, few and far between as they were, shone well. They threw off an enchanting glow rather than a real shine, though when I actually looked around to see why it wasn’t lit up by torches, little magic lights in brackets answered my question before I could even ask it. With my attention thoroughly diverted from the mastodon that was Pops’ hammer. I assumed that they’d been in Bonetown because of the fractional Unicorn populace, but here I was; proven a fool. Maybe more races could use their Magicks however they pleased, but I still wasn’t sure how they could do if they even had the ability to outwardly use it. After Pops collected me to go to his house, I was stuck in my head, curious about the inner workings of Magic as I knew it.

To be honest, what I’d known about Magicks and the like were apparently false, given that the poor Satyr woman hadn’t been able to cast any of her own to save herself. Her Furladra-given Magicks should have helped her escape capture in the first place since Fauns were expert escapists, having learn from Ladesa, her first daughter. It also didn’t help that Unicorns could create fire, or that Dragons could breathe it, just like it in the legends. The shit was wild, though it made me wonder why certain races had ‘more’ Magic than the rest. I couldn’t help but see the disparity between what your average Unicorn could do as compared to say, a Dog. It was just odd to know that not every race had Magicks like Ponies since I’d heard tell of Ponies that could time-travel, teleport long distances, and generally warp the laws of reality itself to their will, although I’d been assured that they were few and far between when it came to beings that could hope to rival those tales.

I asked Pops about Minotaur Magicks and the first word out of his mouth were, “The Unstoppable Charge is the greatest Magic a Bull gots! You set a Bull to ragin’ and you can kiss yer house and your ass goodbye if either happen ta be in front of ‘im! A Bull’s horns can break just about most things, and a Cow’s milk will make yer bones nicer an’ stronger! Ya need yerself a good milkin’ Cow, a’ course, otherwise it’s gonna be like drinkin’ from a tiny hose that don’t offer ya much.”

I didn’t dare give him an odd look because I knew it’d get me killed. “Is that about it?”

“Nah! Minotaurs gots Forgin’ Magic that makes our stuff the best stuff ya can lay yer hands on!”

“Ah, I see. So Minotaurs don’t have the Magicks that allow them to see better like Griffins or smell and hear better like Dogs and Cats?”

“Yep! Well kinda, ‘cept for the smellin’ thing, but it’s a good trade since the only things Dogs are good at is breedin’, and the only thing Cats are good at is bein’ gangsters! Lotta Cats join up with the cause since we’re the third biggest threat on the planet at the moment!”

“Really? Who’s above us besides that Equestria place?”

“Draconia and Queen Azyre. Equestria’s top on the list, but Draconia’s a monster in its own right, and even Celestia goes to Queen Azyre for wisdom on occasion. Speakin’ of, it ain’t wise to go to the Dragon Lands if ya ain’t a Dragon or an Equestrian. It’s generally considered suicidal, but that’s because Dragons get scarier the older they get, and the majority a’ the Dragon population stays around five ta eight hundred years old. Scaly bastards might be immortal, but that don’t mean it’s meant for everyone.”

“... So don’t go to Draconia. Gotcha.”

“Ya might be able to go if ya have a cadre a’ Dragons callin’ ya a friend, but ya better hope one a’ ‘em’s Royal Blood and another’s a Tie-Tight’s cousin ‘er somethin’, cause ya’ll get fried otherwise.”

“Nice to know. What other countries should I stay out of?”

“The Great Sands. It is a country, but not all of it’s sand. A lot of it’s tropical on the other side of the mountain range, and that’s where The Wyld Lyres live. I won’t even fuck with those cannibal rapist lunatics.” He shivered visibly.

“... Oh shite. They’re that bad?”

“Gauche, I’ll fuck up the entire base if I gotta, but even I can’t take on more than a couple Wyld Lyres at a go. That’s not at a time, that’s in one fight,” He paused for effect, “period. Scary fuckers are scary.” Pops said, making a grabbing gesture over his heart and casting away whatever evil he found there.

I made a diamond with my index fingers and thumbs before breaking it casually; a Guild sign for ‘Good Luck’, aimed at whoever you were wishing it toward. I broke the point of the diamond at the cobblestone road beneath my feet as we came to a stop in front of an impressive estate because I was sure that it would bounce back up and hit me in the region I needed it most if there were eligible bachelorettes in the house that Pops was going to try to hook me up with. The first person we met was one of his wives and he gave her a kiss, moving me along before I’d said a word to her, citing that I didn’t need to know many of them since they were little more than calf-factories as his reason. When I started meeting my sisters, I felt like he was being rather honest with his words.

I was a little horrified, but then again, that’s why a lot of Nobles go slumming in the first place; they can’t fucking stand their partner and only get together to either appease their parents or bear a child of ‘pure blood’.Outside of that, they got their sex from the people that know how to do it best, and boy does your average peasant know how to fucking populate. The large families in Minosia only surprised me because of the radically polygamous aspect, but having seventeen kids? It’s possible over the span of a lifetime. There were some Amelemme Priestesses that devoted their lives to taking care of those often orphaned families because the pair or trio of mothers died during childbirth at different times, leaving their father’s to go to debtors gaol, which was basically slavery.

Life sucks and then you die: Heavy Faxation, and pure truth.. I don’t have a very positive view with life and all that because I’ve seen the world turn, and it does tend to whirl like a Birre-Tchun (Pronounced like Bear-Shoon) Dervish, one of their insane sand-digging warriors. Seriously; went to D’sarr on a request from Desmond himself through one of his closest contacts. We had a way into Pallaza il Arad (Payaza-eel-A’rod), and it had been tested twice with some of our brothers in the Guild Sector, but they refused to steal from their own King for fear of Buzzard-Necking, which is having your throat worn away by some of the finest sandpaper you can get. It’s a rather awful punishment since they don’t use sand once they get to the white meat. No, they switch to rock salt for a spell before going back to the sandpaper, alternating between the two. You can’t really die of infection since salt cures meat, and the wound doesn’t dry up because the salt is some special shit they cook up with Alchemy. That being said, the punishment for treason wasn’t worth it, but calling in an expert, tried and true that had recently pulled off a job in Fechere doing the same damn thing?

Oh yeah, Yelebochi Budini (Their Thieves Guild) wanted a piece of the action, and the Northwest Guild was already famous as well as infamous in the undercurrents for having the most proficient members in the world. Avalesce was, after all, the birthplace of Furladra, and it’s said that Ladesa still strolls the nights as she pleases, she just changes faces when her time comes so she can stay in the Guild and start a new life. Women who claim to be her usually get put down for heresy, so the honor fell to the guy who’d just earned the name ‘Varas’, graduating from ‘Gadai’ earlier than pretty much anyone else since Mercer, who was Desmond’s second for a fuck mothering reason. I’d just finished learning Varic, the language of world-ranking thieves, from Vex and Felt, two of the six Varas in the Guild (Myself included) when Desmond came to me with the dossier and a bag of shillings to get me onto a ship to Birre-Tchun, and then to D’sarr. I was eighteen or nineteen at the time since I’m not really that sure of my exact age due to not knowing when the fuck I was born, but I was done growing for the most part to be sure.

Still. D’sarr was nearly a bloodbath. The reason I’m telling this story instead of getting on with meeting my sisters is due to the fact that they’re… They’re sad. They’re honestly what Pops said, and it’s not because they want to be. The bruises on their faces, the way they flinched at the general look on my face (I’m told I have a mean-mug on me, but that’s usually just Flash Face), and the air of ‘I gave up hope, and there’s none for you either’ they gave off… I don’t want to talk about them. I would much rather talk about the time I nearly died, so lets get on with that. Yes, I talked about literal torture and one of, if not the, greatest betrayals in my life, but I hate people who bow down and accept hopelessness as it pours its Rooster Brew down their throats, stroking as many times as it pleases because they don’t care. I had the same fuckin’; problem with Breeze until she agreed to join the cause, so she narrowly escaped being a fuckin’ disappointment.

Fuckin’ pisses me off so yeah. Story time.

The sail to D’sarr was awesome. I’d been to the South to see Fechere and to the East to see Thesuvia and Laspone at that point, but I’d never actually been on a sea-faring vessel before, and no one could catch me as I scrambled up and over the Crow’s Nests on either side of the ship. The Captain was a Vanhin from the Guild, and she was well respected for her skill with a flintlock. Carrying seven of them made her a force to be reckoned with at any given time, but she had a soft heart for a nuori Varas, and she usually asked me to come down when she wanted a word, or when she knew the winds were about to get bad. My instincts were pretty alright back then, but they weren’t as sharp as… Well, they don’t seem to be doing much good for me these days, but when you deal with inhuman abominations, it’s less of an art and more like a hope. Still, my gut had gotten me Furladra’s favour since my brand had been chosen for my chest and not my neck like a more than a few Varas’; something that Captain ‘Flint’ herself confirmed.

What can I say? I’ve had sex maybe six times in my life, so I’m no lecher, but I was young and she had charisma for a forty-something year-old woman. She got my first time at that, but it was fuckin’ worth it since I knew of her feats. She was one of the lucky few that had been branded on her breast as well, and the only reason she wasn’t in the Guild itself was because she was a Corsair, and she was a damn good one. ‘Flint’ still paid her offerings and fees to Furladra and Desmond respectively, so she was a full-blooded Member, she just didn’t really operate in Avalesch seas because they’re slim pickings.

After getting laid multiple times (And sucking more limes than you can count) over the course of a month, we got to Birre-Tchun and I got familiar with some of the Budini. The Varas I talked to most of the time was a fellow named Ma’Oh (Fucking Mayo, basically.), and he had a few feats of his own, but their self-imposed Edicts prevented him from getting his name in Birre-Tchun. There were actually only three Varas, people blessed by Furladra herself, in Birre-Tchun. However, it wasn’t strange for there to be so few in any other country other than Avalesce, but it did mean that there were few people I could talk to since Avalesch and Fechette weren’t something a lot of Birrans cared to know. Fechere’s fashion, most of their cooking, and all alcohols were forbidden, so the Fechette rarely have a reason or are suicidal enough to go. Most Avalesch don't care to because it’s fuckin’ hot. Like, I had to rest for a day to acclimate to the heat, but during that night? I was right at home as the frost formed wherever there was water to humidify the surrounding area, though they were generally few and far between, as far as most things would have gone.

It took me a few days of observing Pallaza il Arad for me to feel comfortable with going in, and our entrance was the one that had been given to us by the Yelebochi Budini. My escort was only three men deep, myself included in that number, and one of those men was a woman, as was customary. However, the traditional structure of our group didn’t give us any more luck than we’d already had, because as we were crossing the sands to get into the Palace, one of the escorts, our ‘Luck Lady’, got dragged into a dune of sand that had been just a little too high for me to be comfortable with going near it, the oddness of the little thing having sent my gut to churning. After seeing our sole woman get torn apart by a Dervish, the fellow who had come with me, Modak, cut his losses and left me to die, but he too was caught by a ‘sleeping’ Dervish on his way out.

I barely had time to react after hearing the first cries from our ‘Luck’ Lady, and it was all I could do not to immediately run. Instead, my gut told me to drop, using the darkness as my cover as the linen-wrapped monstrosities whirled out of their dunes and softly sang their song, each of their numbers adding in another echo until it was a constant mash of meaningless words that was made to instill fear into the enemies of Birre’ Scha. It certainly made my heart pound and throb as I subtly started covering myself with sand, wiggling and burrowing beneath the surface of the ground itself as camouflage to evade capture and, most likely, being turned into a Harem Queen’s toy. I’d heard tales about what happened to Avalesch boys in Birre’ Scha, and most of them involved some kind of torture or rape, and I was neither fond nor excited about possibly ending up a slave.

Through some miracle, surely a blessing from Furladra, only my compatriots were caught, and neither of them lived past their ambushes, so luck was smiling down upon us in a morbid way. I didn’t move; didn’t dare to do much more than breathe through my nose while face down in an awful lot of sand while it got in all the hard to reach places. I didn’t mind and I minded even less when my gut told me that I was in the clear, but from there? I was going to have a little trouble. I only knew the one entrance to Pallaza il Arad, and it was mega-mucked, so I snuck my way off of the open grounds, avoiding any of the large dunes that had oh so mysteriously shifted away from their original positions and got back to the task at hand.

Entry into the palace was as easy as climbing to an elevated window that was about thirty feet off the ground, and thanks to some good old fashioned time and a few sandstorms, there were plenty of places for me to grab and hold onto as I made my ascent. Falling into the palace was unplanned, as was killing the servant woman I fell on, but in my defense, she shouldn’t have been standing under a fucking window if she wanted to keep her life a little longer. Nothing good ever comes out of hanging around near windows, and that’s an old adage that’s seen its use around the Thieves Guild, so I didn’t feel that bad about stabbing her a few times and hiding her body in an especially large urn that was probably used for some crazy religious ritual since most Birre’ Schanese worshipped Luxus and Lewwy, the God and Goddess of the Moon and Sun respectively. They generally asked for animal sacrifices, and the Birre’Schanese were savages at times with how they draped the animals entrails fuckin’ everywhere, but that’s a story for another time.

I crept through the halls of Pallaza il Arad and still nothing struck me as being out of the ordinary other than the fact that my partners were dead and that I was storming yet another castle, but this time by myself. I have to say that getting to the Treasury was actually rather easy since I’d kept the map I had of the place, and it had held together pretty well for sucking eggs a little bit, but still. The marked drop was found and I got my real instructions from there. I only had to steal two extra things to come out of my task a rich man, and depending on what I grabbed, I might have the choice of undertaking a task gifted by Furladra or Ladesa themselves. What I didn’t know was that after picking the lock to the Treasury with a special Thesuvian Furladran Gizmada (An auto-picker that I only used because I was pressed for time and my Luck Lady was down.), I had to get in and find a crown that was kept on a pedestal, a few dozen rings and bangles that the Budini wanted, and I managed to grab a few pouches worth of gems as well as filling my shouldersack with awesome little Birre’Schan trinkets that were mechanical wonders, only found in the Sandlands. They were mostly made of gold, and the little pocket-watches I kept specifically for Furladra all had the Flywheel, Die-cutter Crissy, Hokey Poked design, or in normal terms, they were once a trice winding, cut crystal or gem handed, skeletally framed pieces that reeked of Aristocuntcy that I could probably have afforded at that point in time if I wanted to break the bank.

I ended up finding a lot of throwing knives that were perfectly crafted and I ended up taking some for myself and giving some to Ladesa, but the gold and gems? I took as much as I could get and made my way out of the Treasury by way of a secret door that had been marked on my map, and it lead right out of town towards the Budini’s Sanctum. The exit was clean, but I had miles and twice as many kilometers to walk when I got out of the palace Treasury, and with easily over forty pounds (about eighteen or nineteen kilos, I think. The new system still messes me up sometimes.) of gear on my back and on my belt, I wasn’t exactly bustling along. Still, I made the trip without stopping with limited air and more adrenaline keeping me going than what I’d had in Fechere. I was still a little terrified about being caught by a Dervish and getting torn apart by their hand-claws, but there were none in my tunnel, and there was enough Scotchlite (A glowing juice made with scotch and glow worms from The Caverns) to last me until I got to the last fifteen minutes of my journey. It had taken me about ten hours to make the trek while following the tunnel and avoiding dead ends by following the map, but when my light gave out, I had to feel my way to the exit before I eventually swung the door to the old mine open and got myself out.

The Budini were bound by Furladra’s Edicts to allow me to make my offerings to her, and when I ended up giving her an emerald-handed, gold-encrusted, platinum-geared, masterpiece of a watch, the Budini Supremi cursed me in his language for giving the Goddess her just dues since two skilled Gadai that could have earned their Varas stripes in a different country were lost on the mission. When he asked if I’d mind giving her something else, I gave him the most fucked up look I could conjure and asked him if he’d been withholding sufficient offering from her and he couldn’t tell me that he’d been asking people to give their just dues to our Goddess. I was understandably upset and cursed him in Varic, to which he couldn’t reply without risking the anger of Furladra herself since he was stealing from her in the first fuckin’ place. Shit pissed me off enough to challenge him to a fist-fight, but he had the right to decline and he did, but that was mostly because Avalesch Varas’ tend to have Furladra’s blessing because we pay our Gods-be-damned dues.

Still, I got to keep a couple of my pocket-watches and I even gave a special one to Sha’ Dai, the leader of the Budini, as a peace offering and a bribe for him to stick to the Edict that Furladra gave us. From that, I earned the protection of the Budini since the watch I’d given him was a fence-worthy object that could keep a fellow fed and watered for months, if not a full year if they spent their money the right way. I learned while boarding Flint’s boat the second time that there’d been a hit on my head until I’d paid Sha’ Dai off, which didn’t bother me much since it was good news in the first place. Still, I was a little uneasy that I’d nearly gotten lynched for doing the Budini a favour, and when Flint and I had a ‘discussion’ about it (We had sex and talked a little bit), we decided to strike out at the Budini for breaking the fuckin’ rules. As such, Flint contacted the Araluen Guild and I wrote out a note to the Brotherhood, asking for a little help with a Supremi that had gotten too big for his britches by not giving the proper offerings. It cost me six middling gems to get the hit cleared, but between myself and Flint, we got things settled.

Two months later, Yelebochi Budini was sending offering to the Avalesch Guild to beg forgiveness from Furladra, but the damage was already done. Furladra took no pity on them, and before the long, Yelebochi Budini was rebuilding from decently chunked rubble, though everyone knew that the damage could have been worse. One of our Varas, Felt, the smoothest talker to date, went down to Hæl itself to make sure we still had contacts in the forsaken Guild, and lo’ and behold, our best guy was able to get the job done, unifying the thieves in Birre’Scha under a new banner, beholden to our Goddess. It was a good lesson across the world not to mess with the Avalesch Guild since Mercer would kill you, Vex would roll you, Felt would talk you into giving him the shirt off of your back, Flint guarded the seas with a vengeance, I would rob you seven shades of blind, and Desmond?

Tch. Scoff. Desmond? That crazy fucker would do it all and have you begging to fold under his wing by the end of his endeavors. If Vex was like a mother to me, then Desmond had to be like a father, and I learned a lot from both of them, but Desmond definitely caught more of my attention due to his charisma and enigmatic nature. We spent enough time together for me to know that he was proud to call me his ‘Golden Boy’ when the chance arose, but Desmond rarely enough showed me affection like Vex did, and when he did demonstrate his pride, it was usually through a handshake or an up-nod paired with a smirk. It was the most he ever gave anyone, but now I’m just going on about good times and I need to stop rambling. The story is over, as skimpy on the exact details as it was.

However, I feel like I should mention that, when I took my final offerings home with me to Furladra and Ladesa, Desmond and Vex were there to watch me put an emerald-bladed, Blaq steel-handled knife on Furladra’s altar and helped me give the chant for her to take the offering given. The knife disappeared in a flash of green light, and with that, I laid Ladesa’s throwing knives on the altar and chanted alone for that one since you don’t really need multiple Varas to send Ladesa anything. After a gout of orange flames swallowed the knives, I was free to do as I pleased, the feeling of a job well done being focused into my brand, making itself known as a cooling feeling that perfectly matched the contours of the scarring.

Story time over. Getting back to business with a rock hard missederection, Pops and I finished up at the chronically depressing Xysma house and started going back to HQ, but on the way there, my gut told me to ask him, “Heya, Pops. Mind if I stop by a grocer and grab some parsnip?”

“Dontcha mean parsnips?” He asked confusedly.

I shook my head. “One should be enough to make a decent batch of fries. I can do multiple if you want some.”

“I’m good, son, but thanks for the thought! Bulls avoid parsnips ‘cause they make your Jock-Juice thick!”

I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, so I shrugged. “I dunno what you’re talkin’ about, but as far as I know, they just taste good. You wanna come with, or am I rolling solo for a second?”

Pops gave me a withering look, but I just tilted my head at him and gave him a little smile. “Something on your mind, Pops?”

“You tryna run?” He snarled.

I raised a brow at him and let my smile fall. “I wouldn’t get far. I know you well enough to know I’d regret it.”

He clapped me on the back hard enough to make me stumble. “Ah-ha-ha! Smart lad, aren’t we! I’m comin’ with ya, but don't ask me ta pay for or carry nothin’. Yer yer own man with yer own money.”

I nodded. “Couldn't let you pay for shit with a clear conscience either.” I said smoothly.

He gave me a big smile and we headed toward the Market District without saying much between the two of us, though Pops told stories of his past conquests, fights and sexual, that he was proud of and made sure that I was well aware of the fact that I needed more training to be on his level. I doubted that a Human could reach the lower echelons of the ridiculous power he had, let alone the upper echelons, but I let him ramble on until we found a stall that sold something that looked like a parsnip, but smelled like a walnut and tasted like a raw bitter almond. It wasn’t poisonous or anything, but it definitely was tasty, so I bought three smallish ones (They were all pretty big to be honest) and Pops said that he wanted to go grab a Minosian Golde, which was an apple that was supposed to be especially tasty. I’d never had one, so when he got a couple, I bought one for myself, and I have to say that Jus, the God of the Harvest and all things edible, would have had a hard time topping a Minosian Golde. It was like biting into a Flistian passision-fruit, but with the texture of an apple that was fused with butter, giving it a silky smooth texture that just made the experience delicious-y-er than any other fruit I’d ever had before. While the food in The Catacombs wasn’t terrible, nothing had anything on that twenty drach little fruit. To compare, my ‘parsnips’ had only cost me a drach apiece.

As I was finishing off the core of my apple (Apparently it’s weird to eat the core in Minosia), I looked around and saw a familiar face. A face I wasn’t expecting to ever see again in this life, but a face I was happy to see nonetheless. “Heya, Pops?”

“Yeah, son?” He responded, giving me an odd look since I was still chewing on an apple core.

I waved my core at the woman I’d seen as she was holding up a piece of paper to a passerby, still some distance down the street. “You see that Mare down there? The one with the light pink mane and purple stripes, not the puffy-maned one?”

Pops squinted and looked. “Eyesight ain’t that good, son.”

“We’re coming up on them just as we are.” I pointed them out, helping him get the gist of where I was aiming.

“Ah, yeah, the ones next to that blonde with the ass to beat the rest a’ the Ponies ‘round here?”

“Sir yessir.” I said. “I wanna go chat with ‘em for a sec. I’ll start looking for Cows some other time, but for now, I wanna see what those Mares are made of.”

Pops gave me a look. “Dontcha have Maud already?”

“What? I thought herding was something you wanted me to do?” I scratched my head, reaching under my cowl to do so.

Pops gave me another look. “Yeah, with Cows.”

“Pops, if you can find a full-grown Minotaur tart that’s less than a foot taller than me, I’ll eat a dick made of man-meat.”

“Gross. You’re a sick little fuck, arentcha?” Look who the fuck is talking you fucking lunatic!

“So can I go talk to em’? If my charm works on them like it did on Maud, then I’m getting laid, and I’d like that a lot. Maud won’t give me any action, dammit!” I growled.

“So? Just make her give it up.” Pops grunted.

“I’m not a rapist.” I said coldly. “Furladra would kill me for stealing that which should only be freely given if I bear her mark, and it’s never exactly sat well with me in the first place.”

“Nice guys finish last ‘cause they don’t get any.”
I rolled my eyes since he couldn’t see the gesture. “Still, I’d like to be able to look at someone I like and not see fear or hatred in their eyes.”

Pops grabbed my arm. “I see it in your eyes all the time. Why do ya care about what other people think a’ ya?”

“Pops, I might not be brave enough to stab you in the back, but that doesn’t mean everyone is like me. You’re gonna cross the wrong guy and get handled if you’re not careful.”

He pursed his lips and gave it a long moment before nodding. “I can’t change you at the core, I guess. You are strong in that way. Go talk to your mares, son, and be back at base before midnight.”

I nodded. “Gotcha, Pops. Back at base before the Moon is high.”

He nodded again before turning and cutting down an alley that I’d been scoping for a cutpurse that had been following us for some time. I saw Pops catch him and didn’t want to watch after that, so I strolled on over to the ladies and waited nearby for them to finish asking if anyone knew the guy on the poster they were carrying. Most people blew them off when they asked, and it was easy to see the resignation in the light pink-maned one’s body language as each person didn’t give a single fuck about helping them. At all. They tried more people on their way to me, and when the blonde one saw that I was obviously watching them, she pointed me out to her friend and the way ‘Twilight’s’ eyes lit up just made my day feel a little bit brighter.

She wasted no time in making a break for me, leaving her friends behind as I calmly walked toward her. We met in the middle and hugged. “Gauche! I never thought I’d find you!”

I gave her a tight squeeze. “I don’t know why you’re looking for me, but I’m glad you are. It’s great to see you again, Lover.” I held her at arm’s length and she looked at me with a wonderful little smile.

“It’s great to see you too, Gauche! How have you been?” She asked excitedly while her friends came up to rest on either side of her. The bubbly looking, extremely pink one gave me a giant smile to beat all others. Seriously, her face was a little scary with the width of her smile. And the blonde-maned, orange coated one had unshouldered her crossbow, which immediately made me suspicious.

“... I’ve been better, to be honest with you. Some things have happened and there’s a lot I can’t really tell you, but I do need to ask a favour of you.”

“Anything!” Twilight oathed. “As long as it’s something reasonable, that is.”

I nodded. “I need you to get me out of Minosia in exactly seven days. I’ll pay to get you a room and keep you for as long as you need, but I have business I need to attend-”

“Now hold on a sec, Buster. We spend darn-near three weeks lookin’ for ya, finally find ya, and now you’re tellin’ us that ya got some shady stuff that ya can’t say nothin’ ‘bout-”

“No, I’ll tell you that what I’m doing is based in international politics and happens to be in the best interest of Minosia, Equestria, my personal allies, and an entire race of persecuted people. I’m trying to do some good here, and I’ll be honest with you on this; my motives are my own. It’s a little bit of altruism, but it’s mostly vindication for an event I don’t want to talk about.”

“... Whatcha doin’?” The overtly pink one asked.

“Biting back.” I said cryptically.

“Gauche, I really can’t support something like revenge.” Twilight said worriedly.

I looked at her and let my eyes show the turmoil going on in my mind, but Twilight’s not the brightest. Her friend, however, shouldered her crossbow and narrowed her eyes at me before folding her arms. “Why do ya want revenge?”

“Heard tell of a fellow who liked to cow people to his will. Heard tell of a fellow who liked to eat sapient creatures. Heard tell that the same fuckin’ fellow was force feeding people things no one has the right to eat.” I snarled.

The orange Mare paled and the pink ones just looked at me funny. “What do you mean by that, Gauche?” Twilight asked.

“Twi, stop askin’ questions.” Her wise friend said softly.

“Applejack? Do you know what he means?” The only one I knew asked.

“I do, and I wish I didn’t. I really wish I didn’t.” Applejack placed a hand over her mouth, getting a little green around the gills, which was odd because she was actually turning green around the neck area. She caught her breath and exhaled slowly. “The second and third one.”

“Yup.” I answered grimly.

“... Ya didn’t hear about ‘em, did ya?”

“Nope.”

Twilight made a face. “I’m still not understanding, but-”

The one with puffy a puffy mane suddenly didn’t have a puffy mane, which was rather strange to be honest. Quite odd. Rather incredible, now that I think about it. Her Thesuvian curls were adorable, which I had to mention first because they were, and they were also quite small, wound somewhat tightly, but they only reached her shoulders. When she drew my attention, I saw that her straight hair went to the upper parts of the lumbar region, which was also queer. There were already a few things that were telling me that the girl wasn’t playing with a standard deck, so I resolved to keep an eye on her.

“Twilight, it’s a really good time to find another inn.” She said irritably.

“Again?” The Princess in disguise asked dejectedly.

“Pinkie wasn’t wrong when she saved us from them Dogs, Twi. We’ll have to find another place ta bed down.” Applejack said comfortingly, though I could hear in her voice that she was shaken by the news I’d given her. It shook me too, but I deal with it as the problems come. Being focused on getting my revenge helps immensely.

“I can get you a Flash Ken for a few nights and we can stock you up to stay out of sight, alright? I’ve already got a few on my mind from a stroll, and I can get you some cots and bedding to make it less terrible.” I stated, plotting the course out already.

“What’s a Flash Ken?” Twilight asked.

“Safe-house.” I replied.

“... Why do you have a safe-house?”

“Why do ya got multiple?” Applejack asked.

I sighed. “I fell in with a crowd that’s going to get me killed if I stay with them, so I have a few back ups in town so I have places to go when people want my face on a plate.”

“People don’t sound very nice.” Pinkie said, her mane still straight.

“In general they aren’t. At least, not in my experience.” I snorted. “Anyway, point me to the inn you were staying at and I’ll see if I can go grab your stuff after we find a place for you to lay low.”

As I was turning to lead them somewhere, Applejack grabbed my arm like a madwoman and almost caught herself a slappin’. “Hey, what exactly is one a’ your safe-houses?”

“Abandoned buildings.” I answered simply.

“Yeah, no. We ain’t doin’ that.” Applejack answered flatly.

“They’re cleaner than any inn in Grey Grotto, Lover. They really are.” I replied, my tone dry and amused.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You must not know many Mares.”

I snorted. “If you’d ever met Maud Pie, you’d know she’s all the ‘Mare’ I need.”

Pinkie gasped. “Maud Pie!? Is her coat grey!? And is her mane a hushy-hushed blue-violet!? Oh-oh, and do ponies sometimes have a hard time telling when she’s joking!?”

I raised a brow and smirked. “Sounds like my Mauble. I’m guessing you’re the sister she talks about as much as her rocks?”

“Maud’s told you about me!? Awww! She really is the best!” Pinkie beamed.

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes at her levels of enthusiasm, but I did offer her my hand. “It’s nice to match a face to the name, Pinkamena.”

She shook it vigorously. “It’s nice to meet you too, Gary-Bear!”

I froze. “How do you know that name?”

Pinkie winked at me. “Don’t call me Pinkamena!”

“... Riiight. So we’ll just go find you snobby waffles a decent inn on the outside of town, and Twilight?” She looked at me expectantly. “Alter all of your appearances. Look like Griffins.” I added in a lower voice.

“... Why?” Twilight asked nervously.

“Griffins get by here just fine without being harried. Ponies? Not popular.”

“I don’t think he’s wrong on that, Twi.” Applejack answered.

“We can still make friends though, right!?” Pinkie exclaimed, drawing attention.

I gave her a severe look and jabbed a finger in her direction. “Stop that. Lie low means no doing that.”

“Don’t talk to her like that, Buster.” Applejack said threateningly.

“If you’d like to get fucking killed, then by all means. Keep fucking around.” I spread my hands. “Just don’t get Twilight hurt because of it.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and adjusted her weird hat. “Why are ya so invested in Twilight? Why did ya protect her when ya first met her?”

I inhaled and sighed. “It’s just wishful thinking that leads to drinking, and right now I’m already aching for a pint. Can we get moving before your tail decides to stop waiting on you to go somewhere?”

Applejack nearly looked behind her before I scooped one of her breasts, catching her attention and making her blush brightly. “Hey! What’re you thinkin’, pervert!?”

“Don’t let him know you’re looking for him. Rule number one in a nutshell. Follow me and speed up when I slow down. When we get off the street, I want you to sprint, not run, sprint, as hard as you can to get down the alley and out the other side. I’ll catch up. Trust me. Come.” I gestured for them to follow with a wave of my hand and set a decent pace for a block or so before enacting the plan.

I slowed down, so Applejack lead the charge on speeding up, but she did so in a smart way, barely outpacing me since she’d spotted the alley I was taking us to. Twilight and Pinkie caught on soon enough, and by the time they turned down the alley, I was a good six feet or about two meters behind them. Close enough to be able to warn them to keep their gaits reasonable before ditching me, but far enough to be pushing the tail’s patience since he had to follow me now. I turned the corner of the alley just in time to see the girls already about halfway down it, so I jogged a couple of steps to a decent portion of the wall and climbed out of general view, but not actually on top of the roof of whichever building I was scaling. All too soon, the Dog that had been giving the girls a reason to be scared (I sensed that Applejack was the only one with enough sense to actually be somewhat paranoid) came around the corner, easily giving me the drop on him before he could realize that his marks were getting away. I landed on him and flexed my wrist, my blade coming out over the dorsal side of my hand. Three seconds later, I was jogging down the alley with a twitching body in my wake.

The girls spotted me when I came out and I caught them before they could get too close to the scene. “Girls, Dolls, we gotta move. People are gonna tie us to the unconscious fella in the alley if we stay in the center of town.”

Applejack lead the way, taking up a quick pace that Twilight struggled to keep up with and Pinkie held no problem with her near-skipping gait. I was faster than Applejack, so I sent her to the back of the pack to guard Twilight while I lead us to the outskirts of town where the seedy dealings went on. We cut through enough alleys to make me satisfied that we weren’t picking up anymore tails, and when we got down one of the stone passageways, I had Twilight put a glamour on Pinkie and Applejack so we could get around unaccosted. After the tension of the situation was gone, Pinkie had a million questions about Maud and how she was doing, and since I wanted to earn some brownie points, I didn’t tell her that she was one of the mostly annoyingly adorable things I’d ever met. She was cute to be sure; Maud’s parents must be some pretty good looking people, apparently, but the main thing was that she reminded me of the one Priestess of Xana I’d ever met, and both women were just upbeat and incredibly cheerful, even during tough times. Havana, the Priestess, was from Laspone and had seen the civil war there, but she wore a smile during our entire encounter, and it was a lot easier to ignore the fact that I’d just seen her mash someone’s face in with a bludgeon.

It was an odd meeting, but she’s the one who taught me how to keep a good Flash Face, so it was worth it.

Anyway, I found them another inn and paid off the innkeeper to keep their presence off of the ledger on pain of death from Bite-Back’s wrath. He fell in line with earnesty since Odysseus was an actual barbarian and his name carried weight, so I got the girls a ‘suite’ to themselves, which was really just a less shitty room with two big beds. They immediately started working out who was going to sleep with Twilight, but it’s not like Twilight was the prize or anything. Apparently she tosses and turns a lot in her sleep, but more interesting was the fact that Pinkie was handsy on occasion, which was a point brought up by Twilight.

“Why don’t one of you sleep on the couch and you can just rotate?” I asked drolly, pointing to the damned thing.

Applejack blushed and scratched her neck, Pinkie smiled, and Twilight frowned. “No Mare willingly sleeps on a couch if there’s another option.”

“Tartarus, Twi, don’t be a nag about it. I’ll sleep on the couch, so don’t sound so snappy.” Applejack said, shaking her head.

Twilight frowned and sighed. “ I guess that makes more sense than being foalish about it. Sorry, Applejack.”

“Don't think nothin’ of it, Twi.” Apple~~bottom~~- jack said.

I scratched the scarce stubble on my face because I was expecting Twilight to get called out for being a snob, but then again, it’s not like it was my problem, so I didn’t devote much brain-power to the issue. “Right. So your inn was the Sleeping Giant, right?”

“Sure was!” Pinkie answered happily. “You’re just gonna go get our stuff, right?”

I checked the sky outside from the sole window in the room. “It’ll take me a bit, but yeah, I gotcha. Keep it kosher; get in, get out.”

Applejack nodded. “If ya run into any trouble-”

“I can take care of myself for the most part. I’ll be back.” I hopped out of the window and the girls gasped. I heard them race over to the sill as I was making my way down the side of the building, and when I hit the ground, I’m pretty sure I heard a ‘Holy cow!’ or two since it was only a two story building. I could be mistaken, but I like to think that I’m more dashing than I am sometimes.

With little else to do and a deadline ahead, I started jogging my way back to the heart of town because Twilight and I had actually been to The Sleeping Giant, so I was mostly just hoping that the new innkeeper didn’t tip them off to the fact that the previous guy had been killed. It didn’t strike me as though they would’ve known, but I was still a little worried about them possibly turning me in for a crime I wasn’t sure they could prove I committed in the first place. Applejack struck me as the Goody-Goody kind of Daywalker that would snitch you out for just about anything, so I figured that keeping my dealings on the quiet side was going to be my best course of action. I still had my ‘parsnips’ with me, so I started eating those and they were pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. They were a little lacking in flavour, but it was an alright snack.

The Sleeping Giant Inn had a backdoor that I couldn't hear any activity from, so I snuck my way in through there and started my side mission from there, not being seen until I was already on the third story where the girls had been staying, and I was only spotted by some disinterested Tom who couldn't be bothered to pay me any mind. Finding their room was easy, but getting their shit? Not so easy. I should’ve brought Applejack or Pinkie along with me since they could keep up, but in the end, I had to drop the girls’ bags out of their window and climb down the outside of the building to get them before a sneaky Plucker could get too close. I nearly dropped on him, but when he realized that a knife wielding maniac was standing in front of him, he quickly turned tail and ran the other way.

Other than being a little dusty, the bags of crap seemed fine, but they were fuckin’ heavy. I didn’t really like that I was having to go it alone, although I felt a little bit better when I considered how Maud would feel about me helping her sister, and I was a little more appeased when I thought of Twilight’s gratitude during the moment of the exchange. I made it out of the heart of town without picking up another tail, but there was a fellow who started following me not too far into my journey. I lost him by getting to the rooftops and making some free-running work with quite a bit of extra effort, but to was worth it to not get knifed in the back. Most creatures besides Cats and Dragons can’t really climb worth shit to be fair, so the Griffin that had been tracking me had to fly to follow, but it was already too late for him by the time he realized I was gone. The fucker touched down on the wrong roof while I watched him from the one behind him, sticking low to the ground. He turned and looked for me in the direction I actually happened to be, but by then, I was hoping that it would be too dark for him to spot me. I forgot that Griffins had fantastic eyesight day and night, but it didn’t turn out to be important since he flew back down to street level.

I got to moving again and dropped off the girls’ shit in good time, and though Twilight and Pinkie wanted me to stay and chat, I explained to them that my life would be forfeit if I didn’t get back to base in time, which was true as shit. That being said, Applejack said that we had a lot to talk about the next time we met, and I didn’t give it any thought since I was planning on Flash Facing my way out of the worst of it. Either way, I got back to base in time to not get bitched at and or killed, but when I met Maud in her room, she was gearing up for a mission.

“Evening, Mauble. You heading out for a job?” I asked cautiously.

She nodded. “Odysseus has placed a hit on three Mares who are residing in Sleeping Giant Inn. He says that they are dangerous Pony Nobles under the guise of commoners.”

“He’s lying. Go on your mission, but don’t look for those Mares, Maud. You won’t find them.” I answered calmly.

“... I will have you tell me more of this while we’re on a date.”

I nodded. “Gladly. Any jobs come in for me?”

She shook her head.

“Ah. That’s not bad, I guess.”

Maud gave me the nod and a kiss before she started to take her leave. “I will see you soon, Epidote. Be safe.”

“Will do. Take care, Mauble.” I said, watching her as she walked away.

Ill winds were blowing, and my sails were catching the worst of them, but I could deal with it. It was only a matter of time.

Author's Note

Fun times, fun times, am I right? Mixing in with the wrong crowd, keeping your head low; sounds like fun, doesn't it?

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Seven: Here, Hold This

Chapter Seven: Here, Hold This

I woke up with Maud’s head nestled underneath my chest and her legs both wrapped around one of mine, her sex pressed against me, her warmth even warmer than I thought it could be. I was a little rosy around the cheeks when she woke up because I could feel her chest as well, and the combination of those things made sure that the morning wood was as tall as it could possibly get, and having her shift against my shaft on occasion made me a little nervous. I’ll never say that I’m good with physical intimacy, but I do like it, and having someone to wake up with was nice. Maud wasn’t far behind me, only about ten minutes or so, but I mostly just spent my time taking in her scent and enjoying her general presence instead of trying to cop a feel.

Maud pulled away from me and blinked some sleep out of her eyes. “Good morning, Epidote.”

“Good morning, Sleepy Dreamer.” I kissed her forehead. “How are you doing this- Oh!” She grabbed my sausage brazenly. “Er…Uh-huh-huh-huh, Isn’t it a little early for that?” I chuckled nervously.

Maud began worrying me a little more by kissing me along my jaw and pressing her wonderful chest against me. “Is it, though? Could we not make this a morning of passion?” She deadpanned.

“... Are you messing with me?” I asked, trying to keep the hope out of my voice.

She licked my neck and sent shivers down my spine. “Are you opposed to the idea?”

“... To be honest with you, I’m not exactly known for-”

“Hush. Experience matters little as long as you last longer than a few minutes.”

“Ah. Yeah, endurance isn’t a problem, it’s just that… Well- Oh~ Oh dear.” I murmured, surprised by her forwardness

She continued doing what she was doing and reached under my sleeping breeches, fondling me directly, which is what caused me to falter. “Well?”

“I-I-I just get nervous, you know? Heh-heh. Heh.” I chuckled weakly.

Maud stroked me softly, humming. “Be still and I will bring you pleasure, dearest Epidote. You will be pleased with the result.” She casually disentangled herself from my embrace and just as flippantly removed her knickers, dropping them on my face as she straddled me. They smelled a lot like she normally did, but slightly musky, not unlike a… Horse, I guess.

Equis is fuckin’ weird.

Anyway, I’m not exactly one to brag nor kiss and tell, so I’ll just say that Maud got what she wanted and I got the enticing experience of hearing someone climax in monotone, which was a rewarding endeavor. After a little bit, I got more into it, but Maud likes to be on top, and I don’t have a problem with that. Especially when she does that thing with her hips and rides in reverse… Oh my… Um… What was I talking about?

Scratch all that. We’re starting again.

After I gained a whole new appreciation for the glory of glutes, Maud went back to sleep and I went around to touch base with Frieda for the mission we had slated later in the night. I met her in her room after hearing some odd noises coming from inside, somewhat like strangled squawks, but it wasn’t my place to investigate, so I just knocked and waited for a couple minutes before taking a quick walk to give her time to finish with her ‘task’. There was a strange smell in the air and there were few females walking the halls, so I put two and two together and figured that it was Spring or something, and that the females were probably digging for dick. One of the females I’d passed, a Griffin woman, propositioned me and further cemented my supposition, but I turned her down because I’m not a fucking whore, and sleeping with two people in the same day? Whore shit. Not Garrison shit; that’s whore shit.

After I got done turning down what felt like a dozen women (Shit, it could’ve been for all I know. Not like I was counting.), I finally managed to circuit back around and get to Frieda’s room again. This time, she actually opened the door when I knocked and she just gave me a little smile. “Thanks for waiting. Figured locking the door would be enough to keep most people away, but I didn’t even hear you jimmy the knob.”

“I could kinda hear you.” I teased.

She shrugged. “Spring Heat hits everyone at some point. I’m surprised you’re not going crazy from the pheromones that get trapped down here like some guys do.”

I shrugged in turn. “I don’t really like sex, to be honest with you. I can definitely smell something on the air, but it’s not really changing my preferences at the moment, you know?”

Frieda clicked her beak twice. “Are you really saying that you wouldn’t give me a little kiss if I asked nicely?”

“I’d give you a peck, but not a legitimate kiss. I’m rather monogamous, and I doubt that’ll change, to be completely honest.”

She tapped the side of her beak. “Plant one right here then, Big Boy. If you’re brave enough, that is.”

I rolled my eyes at her, then had to pull my cowl down off of my head because she probably couldn’t see it. “You’re majestic and all, but you don’t look like me. Maud looks like me.”

“With the flat face and cute little nose? I guess, yeah. You’re the only thing that really looks like ponies, you know. Every other race has a beak or a muzzle.”

“Which is weird and makes me wonder how Dogs kiss.”

“They lick each other. Griffins just rub our beaks together or help each other preen, kind of like Pegasi. Fun fact if you ever leave Maud; Pegasi and Griffins both like wing massages. It could come in handy if you need to save your ass with a sexual favour.” Frieda chuckled.

“Right. Aside from your bullshit, how are you feeling about the mission, Frie-Frie?”

The corners of her beak turned upwards and her eyes settled into a throne of stone, cut specifically for them. “Sectus is as good as dead. I know the locale, but you know how to get us in, right?”

“How are your climbing skills?” I asked deviously.

“Subpar.” She answered honestly. “The only races that actually have good climbers are the Chimps and Cats. Cats are too sketchy to work directly against The Iron Crown since they’re fucking known for bailing when things barely start getting hairy, and the Howlers are really… They…” She rubbed the feathers of her brow. “They’re some weird fuckers. Top Dog’s said to be a Howler since they’re supposed to be the most intelligent race on the planet, but no one knows if it’s true.”

“I don’t know what a Howler is, to be honest. Who’s his Consigliere?” I asked.

“Someone no one knows about. Apparently between the Top Dog and Top Consig, they keep Equis turning with Aristocrats on their toes and our coffers getting filled deeper and deeper by the day. Tartarus, they’re supposed to be the scariest of the bunch at that.”

I shrugged. “I’m sure they’re smart enough to keep things running if they’ve been doing it this long already. So where are we going tonight?”

“North side of town in the Estate District. There’s going to be a lot more security than you’re used to with watchers on the rooftops and guards on the streets, but the alleys are where Bite-Back thrives anyway. I say we pop up in the Græcus Household and get to our target from there. If we show up in the basement, then we’ll-”

“Just get us to that point and I’ll take over for the rest. Trust me when I say that infiltration is a specialty of mine, and that if you don’t want to be seen, we won’t be. I’ll be trusting you and your Griffin eyes to spot any possible Watch-Dogs, so be on the look out.”

“Dogs have terrible eyesight. They’re about as good at picking things out at a distance
as Minotaurs, Sweetheart.”

I gave her a look. “Is Watch-Dog not a term here? It just means Lookouts.”

“Oh. Yeah, I’ll do that. Do you want to be the one to get Sectus, or can I have him?” Frieda asked excitedly.

“I have to take him. Pops’ orders.” I grumbled irritably.

“... How’s that one going?” She asked, dropping her tone.

“Tangerine has us set up. We’ll be ready to move tomorrow, should Sedd, Splashing Fluke, and Droll Day be ready that is.” I answered in a lower tone.

She nodded. “I’ll be sure to pitch in if you want. Where are we going?”

I whispered the location to her and she giggled as instructed. “Stop it, you fucking lecher!”

My face lit up at her accusation since I hadn’t been expecting it, but I still had time to slip on my Flash Face. “You know you want some, you dirty-birdie.”

She gave me some serious bedroom eyes and said, “Don’t tempt me.”

I chuckled nervously and looked away. “Right, so I’m just going to go back and see if Maud’s awake yet.”

Frieda chuckled and patted my arm. “Don’t get nailed, Sweetheart. I’ll see you in the evening.”

“... That sounds like I should be watching my arse.” I said carefully.

“You should. Some of the Bull-Buckers down here are known to lose control due to the pheromones.” Frieda said disinterestedly. “You’ll get help eventually, but eventually isn’t quick enough if you’re not good enough to kill them in the first place.”

“... Yeah.” I pulled my knife out and looked behind me. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

She smiled and went back into her room after saying, “Good luck, Sugarbutt.”

“Bite me, Peckerface.” I replied as she was closing her door.

That little aside aside, I got back to stepping and went back to Maud’s room, but when I got there, she was just getting out of the shower and happened to be getting dressed in the washroom. I only knew that because she invited me in and had me do the laces on the back of her dress for her, despite being fully capable of doing them herself. It gave me time to appreciate the details and contours of the musculature on her back, and when she turned around, I noticed that this dress in particular was a little shorter than the rest of her collection, and when I say a little, I mean a lot. When I actually looked down and saw that her toned calves were on display, I had to look up, but my eyes got stuck on her chest for a moment. I’ve seen women with more to show than Maud, but even with her ‘conservative’ style of dress, the minute amount of cleavage she was showing was more than a little interesting. Before I could realize what was going on, Maud gave me a smooch and sent me over the balustrade, making my nose bleed, despite me actually having laid her earlier in the morning.

I pulled away from my lover when the blood started flowing and she gave me a minute grin. “Oh, did I cause that?”

I gave her a look as I was pinching the bridge of my nose. “Shut up, smartass.”

Her grin grew by a fraction. “Should I acquire some tissue for you?”

“Please?”

She Maud-Nodded and did the thing, so I started mopping the blood off of my face. When the bleeding finally stopped, Maud let me get cleaned up before taking my arm and pressing her breasts against it, giving me the same little smile she’d been wearing since she’d made my nose bleed. “Are you finished with your facial issues?”

I gave her a stern look. “I’ll spank you. I really will.”

“You will not.” She answered, her tone still in mono form, but her eyes held a challenge.

I worked my arm so that I could hold my woman and still looked her in the eye. “Are you askin’ for a paddlin’? ‘Cause a paddlin’s what you’ll get.”

“Could you use your hand instead?”

I stepped a little closer and initiated a pleasant bout of snogging that started with my hands falling to her taught, well sculpted rear and finished with us taking separate showers before we got our day well and truly started. We grabbed some breakfast at the Mess Hall, cleared up some details with my Plan A, hammered out that last details of Plan B, and had Plan C put together by the time i was supposed to trade Maud for Frieda. My inamorata, my lover, was a little more than sad to see me go, but I told her that I would have a good surprise for her in six days time, so she was placated for the time being.

Frieda came to collect me from the Training Room with her own gear on, and I had to say that it wasn’t sexy at all. She attracted looks from every Griffin and a lot of the other races for her levels of cleavage, but I prefer skin on my breasts, thank you very much. I’ve yet to actually see Maud nude in any manner of the word, but I know sexy when I see it, and I knew that Frieda was supposed to be just that.

It’s the beak, Bruv. It really is.

She strolled up to me with all the swagger and pomp of a former Streetwalker, and I was pretty sure that between her feathery, full chest and her skin-tight breeches that she had the attention of every male in the Training Room. “Gauche! You ready for our romp?” She called out as the din of whispers and murmurs started in lieu of the sound of actual training.

“Where’s the hay? You can’t have a proper romp without hay.” I teased.

“Buck up or shut up, you fledgling.” She chuckled. When she reached me, she looked at Dagger Fall, the fellow I’d been training with. “How’s it going, Dags?”

He blushed and smiled. “Goin’ better now that B.B. East’s hottest star is in full gear. Lookin’ good, Frieda.”

She rolled her eyes. “Thanks a ton, Cutie. Mind if I steal your punching bag for a mission?”

Dagger Fall let his wooden sword wheel around and tap him on the shoulder. “Never sword fight with this guy. It’s laughable.”

“How many of our knife fights did I win?” I asked drily. “For a guy whose name is literally ‘Dagger Fall’, you handle one like a jumpy Gadai.”

“I don’t know what that means, but I’ll be sure to remind you of who the buck you’re talkin’ to.” Dagger smirked.

We touched fists and I started walking, leading the way out of the Training Room with Frieda keeping pace easily. “So the outfit really doesn’t do anything for you?” Frieda asked, sounding a little vexed.

I gave it another once over. “If you get stabbed in the gut, you’re fucked. And you really should be wearing a decent chest-piece to protect you from broadheads at the very least. Your gauntlets are fine, but it really wouldn’t hurt to-”

“Alright, shut up armour-snob.” She huffed. “Lord, it’s like talking to a wall with how much your libido actually plays into your thoughts.”

“So what? You want me sneaking peeks whenever I can?” I asked.

“Wouldn’t hurt to show a little interest, would it?”

“No, but I’m not attracted to you like that, Frieda. You’re probably incredibly attractive to just about all of the red-blooded males in Bonetown, but I guess I’m just not one of them.”

She nudged me with her fist. “Even when I throw it in your face that I’m trying to get some?”

“Just makes me uncomfortable, and not in my pants.”

Frieda had a good little laugh about that. “It’s nice to know that I’m getting friendzoned by a decent guy at least. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to make male friends, only to have it blow up in my face.”

“I don’t have many female friends, to be honest with you. Most of them think I’m trying the ‘Nice Lad’ angle to get in their knickers, and the few that don’t usually don’t align themselves with thieves. It’s not like we come off as sexual deviants, right?” I asked, only halfway joking. I was a little curious as to what Frieda thought, honestly.

She let the question lie for a few minutes before she answered with, “You know, I think most gals don’t want to be your friend because you’re rough around the edges at best. I don’t know you that well, but from the way your revere your ‘Gods’ or whatever… It kinda makes you seem like one of those Celestia worshippers that always try to convince people that she and Luna move the Sun and Moon as they please.”

I gave her a look. “The Gods aren’t beings to be trifled with, Elfrieda. I’ve heard that Celestia and Luna are powerful in their own rights, but they could never hope to match a God and their scope. Hæl, it’s laughable to think that a being who can’t survive in the Heavens above the sky would claim such power.”

“What’s above the sky? Besides the Moon and Sun.”

I shrugged. “Some say Heaven lies further away, closer to the Sun than any other planet, shielded by Godly Will to be forever untouchable by man, but reachable for those who’ve reached the pinnacle of being. Some say the Heavens lie in a different realm entirely, but who is mortal man to know the will of the Gods?”

“Have you ever met one of your Gods?” Frieda asked amusedly.

I passed her a look from my periphery. “How many people speak to their Liege Lords? How many people speak to their Kings and Queens? Should an Emperor arise, how many would be able to claim that they’ve even been in their presence?”

“Fair point. Have other people met any of the Gods?”

“The Guildmaster of the Thieves Guild is said to be converse with Ladesa from time to time, but it’s forbidden to reveal her identity should she truly walk among the Guild Members.”

“I thought your God was Furlada?”

“Goddess, and Furladra. Furladra is the Goddess I serve, but her daughter, Ladesa, is an active Member of the Guild. Ladesa’s supposed to be second only to her mother, but I was the best thief in the Guild before I got ripped from Terra.”

“So the Gods-”

“Finish that with heresy and I’ll hit you.” I warned.

“... What’s heresy?”

“Foul-mouthing the Gods. It’s a good way to get cursed and have your Fate suddenly come to bear, and I don’t want to get caught up in your smiting. No, I most certainly do not.”
“... Yeah, Sweetheart, you sound like you’re batshit crazy. At least everyone knows Celestia and Luna are real.”

I leveled a withering glare at her. “So my world, where Humans have no Magic whatsoever, offerings disappear in flashes of light on stone altars and it’s...? Where brands applied in the name of the Gods heal in mere minutes as opposed to aching for months or even years...? A place where miracles only happen if your offerings to unseen beings are sufficient enough to keep you alive, or if you’re lucky, under the radar entirely? My world has no more Magic, if it ever did have any, and the Gods are probably the reason why. Magicks have no place on Terra.”

“And what makes you so sure that there aren’t people with Magic who just hid it?”

“People who were so much as suspected of having Magic were burned at the stake.”

“... Brutal.” Frieda murmured.

“Quite. Anyone who parlays with Dæmons and sells their own soul for power doesn’t deserve to live.” I answered morbidly.

“Bat. Shit. Insane.” Frieda chuckled nervously.

“Your reality is based on this world. My reality is based on mine. Do you need a deeper explanation?”

She gently shoved me. “Jeez, don’t be such a sensitive little snowflake.”

“I’ll buttsex you in the butt.” I deadpanned.

“No you won’t.” She countered effortlessly.

“I’ll dropkick you though.” I said, my voice flat.

“It’s scarier when a Minotaur says that.”

“It’s scarier when a Minotaur does pretty much anything, Frieda.”
“Fair enough. Speaking of; don’t get us caught. I’m not ready to die, y’know?”

I chuckled and didn’t honor that with more foolishness because she was being silly, but I was mostly interested in why she wanted my affections so badly. I’d always struggled to catch an eye in Avalesce, and even more so whenever I went to Fechere, but now it was looking good for me, as long as Spring Heat was concerned, that is. I’d been propositioned with free sex more times in the past twelve hours than I had in my entire adult life, and not all of them were while I was alone. Maud and I had been invited to multiple gangbangs as long as I offered to be the star, and she was invited to a couple of small orgies that people mostly just invited her to for politeness sake. I was apparently not hideous on Equis, but I’d been told that I was still middling and not all that attractive in the first place. Apparently there was just something about me that wasn’t cute.

Being lost in thought gives one time to focus on what’s really important, and when I switched tack and set my mind to figuring out how we would enter the mark’s mansion, Frieda pulled me down one of The Catacombs’ winding halls and we eventually popped up topside through a manhole that was nearly too small for me to fit through, although my frame’s never exactly been bulky. We were both able to get into the Græcus Household with no problems, but before we could get out of the wine cellar, my stomach suddenly went sour and I hurried Frieda back down the stairs and advised her to get the manhole cover ready for use.

My fears turned to reality when two Minotaurs, a Cow and a Bull, came downstairs with weapons drawn, so I was relieved that I’d had Frieda prepare to get gone before we could get caught. Instead of staying on the floor in the barren room, I’d had Frieda give me a boost to hide in the rafters above our new marks before she joined me, and when I gave her the signal, our quarries had no idea what slit her throat and who stabbed him in the back of the neck. In other words, them bones was left to rot, and my stomach was cleared for the time being, but I traded a meaningful look with Frieda and we just nodded at each other as I lead the way into the Græcus house itself.

We solved the Græcus problem by simply killing the rest of them due to the small size of the family, and Frieda and I made sure to sweep the place for the high-value items before dropping them down into The Catacombs to be collected at a later date. The bodies were painstakingly dragged to the cellar where Frieda and I did some Bloody Duddy, which is the term the Brotherhood uses for making sure that the cuts and kill marks you apply to someone get muddied up with other cuts. Basically, you desecrate the body, but neither Frieda or myself held much respect for Minotaurs, so we figured that it was good enough to lock every door in the house and to make a sign that said: Non-Græcus Keep Out!

After we made a clean sweep of the rest of the people who were there for our setup, Frieda egged me on to complete the mission, and I had to say that my gut was feeling fine about it, so I nodded along and we got to the rooftops within seconds of exiting the opulent house that had held surprisingly few good baubles to be hocked and fenced at the Grey Market. We were willing to bet that Sectus House was going to be a better playing grounds, so I showed Frieda how to drop from a rooftop and get into a house from a better angle than just flying up to a fucking window or something. We didn’t get spotted on our way in, and we kept it quick enough to not have to worry about it, but something still struck me as odd in the grand scheme of things.

We’d entered on the fourth story of the estate, and Sectus was said to be sleeping on the second floor, so we started looking for loot from the top of the building and our finds were fucking fantastic. There was a wrist-watch that had a complete crystal construction, a pocket-watch that was made from stone, a necklace with a pale green stone that match Maud’s eyes perfectly, and a talisman-looking thing that felt warm to the touch, even when it had obviously been sitting for hours, if not days in the case I’d found it in. Warmth without being touched by the Sun, flame, or a body is a tell tale sign of the object being enchanted, so I pocketed the thing after Frieda waved a crystal over it to see if it would get us killed and we continued on, grabbing heirloom-worthy broaches, dynasty pendants, rings that would would easily net us a hundred drachs apiece on the low-ball, and more random bits of enchanted things that I almost fucked up and nearly made useless. Frieda let me know that there had to be a rune cube somewhere nearby that was attached to the stuff to make them actually worth something, which I hadn’t known during my first excursion; something that lead to me getting a smaller cut than I would have liked. I remembered that I was supposed to be taking Sectus’ life before I started stealing shit, so I told Frieda to keep our swag and to get it out of the usual spots before heading down to the second floor solo.

My instincts told me that I was walking into a trap, so instead of walking all the way down the stairs, I sent a bottle of perfume down to the first floor from the stairwell and waited a couple of seconds while harsh whispers went on for a few seconds. It was all too easy to slip my goggles on (I stay prepared, dammit!) and start cracking open Irritant Diversion Poppers, as Daelus called them. In other words, as they were called by Guild Members, they were Joke Trochs, but when you cracked them open and tossed them, they would release a caustic gas that you needed a Guild mask to avoid getting choked by. As a Guild Member, you have to spend two full hours in Joke Troch gas to become a Varas, and that’s because you have to become immune to the affections of the lovely little substance. Even if we were ‘immune’, we still had to wear goggles to avoid being blinded since the shit could actually cause permanent damage to your eyes if you weren’t careful. I gave up three Trochs for the cause and hardcore parkoured my way down the stairs, using the banister as my judgement point.

The Minotaurs who had been lying in wait walked straight into my gas, and I’m sure that the noxious fumes weren’t supposed to make them keel over as soon as they caught a lungful, but what the fuck do I know? As the gas spread and more of the minor fucking army ran into its nearly invisible arms, more started to clutch their throats and drop to their knees, their eyes jondusing in seconds before turning orange. It always took exactly three seconds; like fucking clockwork. Before I even had a chance to do anything to them, every Minotaur in the ambush was either dead or close to it, and I had to sort through the bodies to find Sectus, but before I got to that, I headed back upstairs and made Frieda wear my mask before she came down to help me find the Princely fuckwad. She picked his massive frame out of the bodies easily with my goggles on, and she was all too happy to leave him chopped and screwed before I popped his bollocks into his mouth, but that’s when we learned something interesting.

No one was quite dead.

Nope.

Sectus woke up while I was sewing his mouth shut and had a seizure, blood spurting from his ruined genitals in a fountain of a beautiful brownish-red that I was actually rather fond of, even though it would’ve looked terrible on Guild Green. I shrugged it off and Frieda disemboweled him before wrapping his entrails around his neck with a sick grin on her face, and she made me help her tie his guts to a banister on the staircase so we could hang him with his own gore. It was some kind of brutal, and when we sent him over the railing, we learned that there were more Minotaurs in the house. I popped another Joke Troch and sent it down the staircase to keep us kosher long enough to do some more looting, and by the time we got out of Sectus’ estate, we were loaded down with more valuables than we could count, and the ambush that was supposed to have dealt with us was taken care of handily.

Frieda was happy to take the lead as we rapidly sauntered through the alleys, foregoing the Græcus Household entirely since I’d had a simply terrible feeling about it. Actually, every possible entry we had back to Bonetown in the Estate District either gave me a bad feeling or was being watched from a Griffin’s range, a detail pointed out to me by Frieda. We were made, and it wasn’t a good thing in this case. Someone was trying to get us killed and so far, it had only been instincts and street smarts that had kept us alive, but we didn't stop to talk about who’d sold us out because we already had a sneaking suspicion that we’d been sold out in multiple aspects by two different people. Frieda had caught one of her former Brothel Broads talking to Odysseus, and when Frieda mentioned it to her, the other woman had lied to Frieda’s face.

We ended up having to make it to the Artisan District to even get back into Bonetown, but the time we’d cost ourselves was bad news. The entrance we’d gotten to was unguarded, but the second we were spotted by some random Minotaur, he turned tail and Mino-Charged down the hall faster than Frieda or I could kill him. We were most certainly fucked and I only had three Irritant Diversion Poppers that I could spare left. I needed to keep two, just in case I couldn’t figure out the chems on my own with Equisian materials, but little did I know that good ol’ Pops was about to make my life significantly easier by strolling down the hall with a purely Minotaur Honor Guard. However, he wasn’t alone with his kin. One by one, battered Griffins and most likely dead Ponies started being tossed into the eight meters of space between us. Each one of them was a part of my Counting Crew, but not all of them were mine, and not all of my crew had been caught.

Pops gave me a dark look as we locked eyes. I pushed my cowl back and didn’t even bother with the Flash Face: my normal smirk was good enough to make him frown and furrow his brow a little deeper than before. “You done got sold out, son. Anythin’ ya got ta say for yerself?”

I casually tossed him a cylindrical thing, my arc perfect. “Consider that my peace offerin’, Odysseus.”

He caught it and gave it a once over before crushing it in his hands with a scowl. “Don’t count for shit, you cheeky, weak, pathe- ECK!” The gas formed from the combined reagents and I couldn’t help myself.

“Ha! Come at me now ya fuckin’ meat! I’m gonna serve your shitty flesh to your mindless ancestors and thou shalt be forsaken!” I grinned widely and cackled as the Minotaurs around him began getting wind of the gas, and as they tried to charge past their leader to come after me, they caught too much of the gas to keep them afloat in the land of consciousness for too much longer.

Odysseus was made out of tougher stuff, however. As his crew began to fall, he staggered toward me. “Ki- Ki- Ki… Ll. Kill-” He choked out. “Y- Ack! You!”

I stalked toward him, my smile wide enough to beat all others, and when I came within arm’s reach of him, he tried to swing at me, but the strength he had was so meager that I’d been able to block it by catching his fist. “You’re only the beginning, Odysseus. You don’t cross anyone from the Varkaat Kilta, but you know what? You fucking know what?Noone. Crosses. Garrison. Gods-damned. Varas!” I finished with a roar, spitting in his face before he fell to his knees. Perfect range for a full-throttle punch.

Frieda came up beside me, chuckling through the mask. “What now, Gauche?”

“Start killing the rest of them. Genital mutilation and disembowelment. Cut their tendons. Every one you know of, and if you don’t know where to find the ones that let ‘em, walk and swing their arms, come find me. I have that knowledge.” I said cheerfully.

“Are you going to pitch in, or what?” She asked playfully.

I gave her a manic grin. “Lover, I’ve got sacrifices to make. Dissida smiles upon us this day.”

“Batshit. Insane!” Frieda laughed heartily.

Needless to say, we had to get down to business, so we roused the Counting Crew that had made it out alive, and of those who could get back on their feet, Tangerine Breeze was one of their number. I was relieved that she in particular had made it out alive, but that made me wonder where the fuck Maud was. Still, as I sliced Odysseus’ hamstrings and cut away the Glenohumeral ligaments, knowledge courtesy of Tangerine’s textbooks on Minotaur anatomy. I managed to sew him up just fine and the anti-bleeding poultice that I’d barely had room for in my pouches came in handy as Biting Wind, the Cell I’d created, finished killing off Odysseus’ loyalists.

I chuckled as we loaded up the wagons and took them to the crematorium. Not all of our subjects were dead; courtesy of a few bitter hearts. Hæl, Pops himself? I had something special in mind for him.

❖☬❖

“Being stuck inside is so boring!” Pinkie complained, filling her fifth sudoku puzzle with random numbers, stumping Twilight yet again with the speed in which she was solving the more difficult ones.

“Well, if Gauche needs to take care of business and save ponies before he comes to Equestria, then it’s not really our place to tell him not to follow what his heart is telling him to do.” Twilight said, though she agreed with Pinkie. There weren’t nearly enough things for her to observe or experiment with in the ‘cramped’ room they’d gotten. Princess standards and all that.

Applejack looked out the window, thinking about what my little friend had beat around the bush about. She wondered why he’d seemed to have his head together after something so horrible had happened to him. As a wholesome woman whose worst experience in the field of bloodshed was putting down old animals with a crossbow, she couldn't comprehend eating another thinking, speaking, intelligent race, and it bothered her that her friends had glossed over the pain in Gauche’s eyes. They’d also ignored the deep seated rage that was written into his body language, but then again, I’d been telling Applejack the truth when I told her that she was wiser than most of her kinsmen. Kinsponies, I guess, if you want to be racist about it.

The newfound Favoured closed her eyes and murmured, “Faith. Max. Can ya talk?” under her breath, which would have gotten my attention, even if I hadn’t been watching closely in the first place.

‘Clear your mind and we can speak telepathically. When prompted, say that you’re lost in thought, okay?’ I responded telepathically.

‘Gotcha, Boss… So… Sir, can-’ Applejack started.

‘Drop the Sir bit, AJ. I’m not terribly fond, to be honest with you.’

‘Sorry… So…’ She sighed softly, looking at her friends as they talked, oblivious to the danger that they were in. ‘What’s Gauche doing?’

‘He’s… It’s not something you want to hear about.’

‘If ya say so… Can I ask another question?’

‘You just did.’ I replied, waiting for it.

‘Can I ask one besides that one?’

‘Second verse same as the first.’ I said, chuckling to myself, reusing the old joke like it was brand new all over again. Sometimes I love the more blissfully oblivious cultures.

‘I don’t really wanna get erased from existence or anythin’, but you’re kind of a smartass.’

‘No shit.’ I chuckled some more. ‘Is there something you actually wanted to talk about?’

‘Well, I was wonderin’ if ya could tell me a little more about Gauche.’

‘I can give you his entire history, Love. It’s just not a good idea.’

‘... Why’s that?’

‘Earning his loyalty is as easy as hiring him and not fucking him over, or as you would say, ‘bucking’ him sideways. Your best bet is really to see if you can just stay away from him, to be honest with you. Twilight’s a pony he’ll never betray unless he absolutely has to, and every one of your friends besides yourself and Rarity will get along just fine with the guy. You and Rarity just don’t know how to mind your own business.’ I finished wryly, being a little patronizing in all honesty.

Applejack frowned and glared out of the window. ‘So he’s dangerous to everypony but Twilight?’

‘Love, everypony’s dangerous in their own right. You just have to avoid crossing Gauche because he’s more dangerous than most. It’s not like saying mean things to him, avoiding him, or just not interacting with him in general is going to piss him off, so-’

“I ain’t leavin’ him ta just do as he pleases.” Applejack grumbled.

“What was that, Applejack?” Twilight asked.

“Nothin’, Twi. Just stuck in my head.” She replied, the truth sounding in her voice.

“Maybe talking will help?” Pinkie gave her a big smile.

Applejack shook her head and looked out the window. “I just don’t like the way Gauche is presentin’ himself is all. Guy’s beyond sketchy.”

‘So was I, Love. I was very sketchy when I was young.’ I added.

“Just because he doesn’t seem like a normal Pony doesn’t mean he’s bad.” Twilight said defensively. “Didn’t we already learn this lesson with Zecora? And again with Chryssy?”

Pinkie laughed out loudly. “I don’t know about you, AJ, but I trust my sister to pick a good pony to date, even if she hasn’t had much luck in keeping a Stallion! Gauche really seems to like and respect Maud, and a guy who loves his Special Somepony can’t be all that bad!”

Applejack shook her head, brushing a stray lock of hair from her face, though it looked as though she were pushing some feathers back into place due to the Glamour on the three of them. “I just get a bad feelin’ from that guy, y’know? Like, he seems like the real sneaky type to me.”

Pinkie sat up straighter, her tail twitching along with her left eye. “We have company!”

Twilight frowned. “Nopony’s set off the Proximity Spell Gauche had me-” Her eyes widened as she felt someone stop in front of their door. “Oh.”

Applejack loaded her crossbow, but Pinkie waved at her frantically until she put it down. “You’re not gonna need that~!” She sang, bouncing over to the door before whipping it open to reveal a familiar face, pulling the suspect in rapidly.

“Maud!?” Twilight cried as Pinkie shut the door.

Maud did her nod. “Hello, Twilight. I would hope that we were meeting under better circumstances, but times are troubled at this moment.”

Pinkie gave Maud a big ol’ squishum. “What’s wrong, Maudileena? Is something going on?”

“I am currently fleeing for my life. Things have taken a turn for the worst in my geological studies.” Maud deadpanned.

The room could have had a safety pin drop and the noise would have been rather noticeable. “... Whatcha mean by that, Maud?” Applejack asked.

The grey Mare turned to her. “Death looms in my temporary lodgings. Gauche has been
set up, and his life is forfeit.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped before the jewel in her forehead (I had to get rid of the fucking Unicorn horns. They were stupid on Human-esque faces.) lit up brightly, but I blocked her from seeing what all was going on around Garrison. “He’s alive!” She shouted suddenly. “Something’s barring my Magic from seeing his location, but he’s humming to himself and talking to somepony!”

Maud’s brows raised marginally. “Do you possess the strength to teleport him here?”

I whispered to Applejack. ‘Don’t let her do that. Cite his business as your reason.’

Applejack nodded and spoke quickly. “Didn’t Gauche say something like that he had business or whatever? I’m sure the guy can take care of himself.”

“Not against Odysseus. There is not a being in Grey Grotto that could save him from Odysseus,” Maud said, blinking three times in rapid succession. Well, Pinkie was the only one who would recognize it as fast, but that’s because she knew her sister.

“Oh.” Pinkie murmured, the wacky feathers in her Glamour smoothing themselves down. “Oh my… Maud, I...”

Twilight nodded and the gem on her forehead lit up again, but I started sapping her Magic the further she started reaching out to grab Garrison. “I-I can’t get ahold of him! Something’s getting in the way of the connection!”

Applejack bit her lip and Maud noticed, meaning that the muted Mare was in her face in seconds. “What do you know of this, Applejack? Do not lie to me.” She said, her voice dipping for that one word.

My favoured asked ‘Can I get a little help here?’ as she said, “Maud, if I knew where Gauche was, I’d tell Twi. Ain’t nothin’ to it.”

Maud’s eyes narrowed as I effectively ignored Applejack’s plea. “You are withholding information. I will make you regret this if you continue.”

Applejack glowered at her and tried to rise from her seat, but when Maud laid her hand on her fellow Earth Pony’s shoulder, I whispered ‘I wouldn’t try her, my little Apple. Spill what you know. Trust yourself for this one.’

AJ took a deep breath and bit back an insult. “I know Gauche is alive and I know that he said he’ll be back for us in a week. I don’t know whatcher expectin’ from me, Maud.”

Maud similarly took a deep breath and tried to drill holes into Applejack’s skull with her eyes. “... If I were to ask you to help me save him, would you?”

“Are ya gonna take that-” Maud removed her hand before AJ could finish. “Alright. I might be a little tempted to lend ya a hand as long as long as Twi and Pinkie stay back.”

“Hey! If you’re going to save Gauche, then wouldn’t it-” Twilight started.

“Princess, you are too valuable to go where we must go. If your Glamour fails you, unspeakable horrors will be committed against your being.” Maud said, her monotone carrying a bit of an edge to those who could hear it.

“Maudee, I don’t know if I should stay behind. I mean, wouldn’t I be great for helping you two stay out of trouble?” Pinkie asked weakly, a little scared of the situation she was finding herself in. I gave her some comforting words and her Anima responded to the support rather well, but she was still nervous.

Applejack objected as soon as she finished speaking. “I don’t think ‘certain death’ bodes well for ya, Pinks. This ain’t gonna be pretty, and I’ve known you an’ Twi way too long to let y’all come along for this one.” She stood and grabbed her weapons from where they sat nearby. “Maud, how long will we be gone?”

“Four hours, maximum.” Maud answered with finality. “We will be going in alone.”

Applejack frowned. “Gauche ain’t got too many friends, does he?”

Maud nodded. “He is very charismatic with Griffins and Ponies, but Minotaurs and Dogs hold little love for him. We will most likely be facing Minotaurs.”

AJ looked at Twilight. “This is why I brought the damn crossbow.”

Twilight blushed, but worry was etched across her features instead of the mild irritation she felt from the comment. “Just don’t get hurt, okay?”

“Can’t promise ya that, Twi,” Applejack said before I whispered to her. After that, she said, “but I can promise ya that I’ll find Gauche, one way or another.”

“That too is not guaranteed, Applejack.” Maud said as sadly as she could, her shift in demeanor only noticed by Pinkie. “We must hurry. The longer we wait, the slimmer his chances get.”

Applejack didn’t actually feel all that bad about that, so I slapped the back of her head for being a somewhat cold-hearted Pony and she whirled around. “The buck!?”

Everyone looked at her. “... Are you okay, Applejack?” Twilight asked.

Applejack glared at the empty space behind her. ‘Was that you?’

‘Sure was.’ I replied, my tone unamused. ‘I might like you, but that doesn't mean I’m just going to let you pull bullshit on Garrison for nothing. Go quote unquote ‘save him’ already, you nag.’

“... I think the Creator just slapped the back of my head for thinkin’.” Applejack grumbled.

There were a few awkward giggles and some ‘Ha’s from Maud, but then she started to leave the room and Applejack had little choice other than to follow her. When they got to the tavern area of the inn where the innkeeper was, Maud asked for access to the cellar and paid the fellow off with a few copper drachs, confusing Applejack until they dropped down into The Catacombs beneath Grey Grotto. The cave-like parts of the Catacombs left my first Favoured on the planet feeling rather intimidated, but the when the walls turned to bone and she saw hollow eyes staring at her from every direction?

She might have gotten a little scared. Just a smidge. A tiny bit.

“... Uh, Maud? Where-” Applejack began.

“The Catacombs. This is the result of multiple mass burials that happened during a plague, a civil war, another plague, and then a normal war. Life in Minosia is rarely peaceful.” Maud answered.

“... I meant ta ask what ya were even doin’ here in the first place.” AJ said softly.

“I came to study rocks.” Maud answered honestly.

“That ain’t the whole truth. Studyin’ rocks don’t get ya mixed up with murderers and people like Gauche.”

“It does in Minosia.”

“I ain’t too fond a’ liars, Maud.”

“I have yet to lie to you. I have been less than forthcoming with the full story, but I have not lied.” Maud answered easily.

“Why dontcha tell me the full story while we’re walkin’?” Applejack asked.

Maud stopped and thus stopped Applejack in turn. “If you were not an Element of Harmony, your questions would get you killed. As such, it is for the best that you have as little knowledge of what is truly happening beneath your hooves as functionably possible.”

“... Kinda makes me wanna go back to the inn, Maud.”

“I will not force you to help me save Gauche, but if he dies…” Maud cleared her eyes of tears that had yet to fall. “It is early in my time with him, but I love this Stallion more than any who have come before. I ask for your assistance, Applejack, as limited as the information that I can give you is.”

Applejack started moving again at a fantastic pace. “Never let nopony say that Applejack Apple don’t believe in love.”

Maud caught up quickly and took the lead, jogging ahead of Applejack as they headed toward the heart of The Catacombs where most of the Minosian Branch of Bite-Back actually lay. “Applejack.”

“Listenin’.” The orange Mare replied effortlessly, the cardio not even phasing her.

“... What do you know of Bite-Back?” Maud asked.

“I’m assumin’ it’s when ya bite your dog because it bit you.” My silly Favoured answered honestly.

“Keep your assumption and you will keep your peace.”

Applejack passed her a look, but Maud sped up her mild anxiety attack spurring her on as my Knight hopped across the board. I hadn’t meant to steer Applejack down the current path, but it was working out for the best, and Bite-Back was already bouncing back from the loss of about thirty members in the course of ten minutes. After a long jog with a few breaks to walk, the pair of Mares made it to the epicenter of the night’s action and Applejack saw the bloodstains on the floor, gasping as she saw beat-up Ponies, Griffins, a couple of Cats, and a Naga moving every race that was on the floor other than the Minotaurs.

“Stars above…” She murmured, standing stock-still as some of the people toiling away at getting cadavers moved started looking at her and Maud.

“Everyone!” Maud shouted. “What happened here?”

The Naga slithered forth and inclined his head to Maud. “I’m sure you’re aware of the fact that Biting Wind was sold out by Grelda?”

Applejack saw Maud’s fists clench and heard her knuckles pop from the pressure she exerted. “I did not. Has she been apprehended?”

“Frieda’s tracking her down with Lola. Kerrick has been made aware of our victory.” The Naga grinned widely, showing off blood-stained fangs that dripped with bright green, poisonous saliva.

Maud tilted her head. “... We… We won? But what about the ambushes set up for our Cell?”

“Gauche prevailed in his mission against all odds. Frieda praised his instinct for keeping them safe during the assassination.” The Naga nodded as he spoke. “The Lone Human was also responsible for… Well, Odysseus lives.” He chuckled darkly, making Applejack spine freeze and her heart hammer in her chest.

Maud shook her head. “Say no more until I return. I was expecting there to be bloodshed.”

“Oh, many of our Minotaurs are officially deceased, and there’s no changing that. However, things look good for us.”

Maud gave him a nod. “Who is keeping things running?”

“Kerrick’s in charge and Schrade is backing him along with Steely and Dagger Fall. No one dares strike against the current Quarter Chief.”

“Then the balance has already shifted.” Maud mused. “Where has Gauche gone?”

The Naga looked at Applejack. “Your friend is an outsider.”

“Speak to me, not to her.” Maud took two steps forward and the Naga leaned down to give her the location.

Applejack shook in her thick, sturdy shoes, confused, horrified, and a little relieved that she wasn’t going to have to shoot anyone, but she still had to ask, “What in Tartarus is goin’ on here!?”

Maud looked at her, the Naga still giving her information as she spoke. “The biggest threat to Gauche’s health and safety is gone. He is now being dealt with, and Gauche will be either reprimanded or rewarded depending on Kerrick’s word. It would be in your best interest to forget about what you have seen here.”

Applejack started rubbing her temples. “... How many ponies just died down here!?”

The Naga got his snout away from Maud’s ear so he could laugh. “The Equestrian in you shows! Go back to your land of milk and honey, Pony.” He ended coldly.

Applejack blinked away her surprise, but she couldn’t really find the fire in her belly. “... Shit. At least in Equestria the worst thing ya gotta worry about is a fistfight!”

The Naga rolled his eyes. “Silly Ponies. Maud, I am glad that you are not like your kin.”

Maud stuck a finger in one of his open wounds and Applejack winced alongside the Naga. “Silence. You are in charge of the clean up, Gevet. Make sure that the floors are properly buffed.”

He nodded. “Yes, Un- Er!”

She poked him in the same spot, staining her finger with more of his slightly discoloured blood. “Stop talking and start working before I do this with my fist in a much tighter hole.”

He gulped. “Yes Ma’am.”

Gevet slithered away quickly and Maud came back to Applejack, ushering her along to head back to the inn. Applejack, as shocked as she was, had nothing to say, despite the unanswered questions bouncing around in her head nonstop, like a constantly whirling… Whirlpool. Fuck. Her thoughts fuckin’ chaotic, alright? She could barely get the sight of all the different races that had still been on the ground when she left with Maud, and the images stained themselves into her eyes, making her feel ill until Maud got her to climb a ladder that lead to an abandoned building. It had been an hour and a half walk to the Headquarters, but when they went topside, the time was cut in half with the advent of a farmer who was heading back to the outskirts of town.

Maud herself was a little lost in thought, but when the inn came into view, she said, “Applejack, I must leave you here. Gauche does not need my assistance at the moment, but I will feel better by his side. I wish you the best of luck in forgetting what you have seen.”

“Maud… How many of them fellas were still alive?” AJ asked softly.

“Few, if any. Most of them would have gotten back up if they could have in the meantime between the ambush being set up and the crashing failure of said ambush. Do not let the loss of ponies that you have no interest in weigh on your mind, Applejack.” Gauche’s lover hopped off of the cart and Applejack couldn’t help but stare at her.

“Wait, where ya goin’!?” AJ yelled as she came to her senses.

Maud looked at her. “I have a long walk. Tell my beloved sister that I will see her before three days pass.”

Applejack nodded and couldn’t think of any reason to further question Maud due to the mælstrom in her mind. ‘Max…?’

I took in my options. ‘Yes, my little Apple?’

‘... Ya meant for me ta see that, didn’t you?’

‘You didn’t have to go with her. I didn’t tell you that you had to.’

‘Can I get a little warning next time? Just in case?’

‘I can’t tell you that I regret not saying anything, Applejack. I appreciate innocence for
what it is, but I’m not terribly fond.’

‘... That’s… That’s pretty horrible, Max. I thought you were supposed to be the supreme force of good… The guy who watches over all his foals with love and-’

‘Applejack, I’ve killed so many people that it’s beyond the meaning of genocide at this point. I am not what you think I am. As God, I have to be cold at times and let people learn their own lessons. What did you learn from this, my Favoured daughter?’

‘... Ya let me walk inta a scene straight outta Tartarus, and you call me a Favoured daughter?’

‘Consider this: You walked into the aftermath. What would have happened if Maud had found you even thirty minutes sooner, knowing that she had a target on her back?’

‘Ya evidently don’t control as much as I thought ya did, so-’

‘I may not have pulled the strings, but I let the woman who did do as she pleased. I’m not asking you to thank me for your new emotional scarring, I am asking you what. Did. You. Learn?’

Applejack thought back to the horrors she’d seen and blinked back tears. “... I dunno.” She whispered soft enough that the farmer fellow and his daughter didn’t hear.

‘When you find an answer, you know I’ll be listening. For now, tell your friends how what you saw made you feel, but don’t wound them as well.’

‘Wasn’t plannin’ on it.’ She wiped her eyes and sniffled. ‘... Max?’

‘Yes, Applejack?’

‘... Is there an Afterlife?’

‘Multiple, although the paths collectively lead to the same place. Some are just longer or thornier than others.’

‘... Is Maud goin’ ta Tartarus?’

‘The unholy Afterlife is Hell, or Hæl. The punishment pit is Smileton.’ I answered cryptically.

‘... Is she going to either of those?’

‘Yes. So are you, but you will spend far less time there than she will. Your path to quote unquote ‘everlasting’ peace is going to have briars nearby, but you will come out whole. Live your life with your morals intact and you’ll see the other side just fine.’ I said soothingly.
Applejack looked like she wanted to cry more than before. ‘Why am I goin’ ta a terrible place when I ain’t killed nopony? I ain’t never stolen nothin’ that I didn’t give back! I ain’t never-’

‘My dear Love, even Fluttershy is going to Hell. It’s unavoidable. The best people I have ever met, my purest of creations, still went to Hell for a few minutes. You’ll only have a few hours at the rate you’re going. Would you like to know how long people like Maud and her affiliates go?’

‘... Yeah. Yeah, kinda.’ She wiped her eyes again before standing up. “Hey, thanks for the ride y’all. Is there any way I can pay ya back?” She said to the Earth Pony Stallion.

He turned and gave her a wink with a green eye flecked with gold. “Don’t worry about it, my little Apple.”

Applejack froze and I made my avatar give her a smile before gesturing for her to hop off. “... Right. Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

She jumped off and landed a little awkwardly, but AJ was otherwise fine. ‘... Max, was that-’

‘No, I just borrowed him for a moment. His crop should do a bit better after today.’ I answered before she could finish. ‘To give you the information you want, however, it’s upwards of a thousand years. Every life you take is at least a hundred, and the toll gets heavier with certain circumstances. It’s not like you plan on mortally wounding someone- Er, somepony, right?’

Applejack sighed and started walking toward the inn. “I don’t plan on it, but ya never know what the future holds.”

‘True. Who knows, though? Your life could be smooth sailing after you return to Equestria.’

“Why does the Minotaur King not crackdown on murderers like Maud? It’s not like bein’ literally underground is doin’ many favours.” She muttered more to herself than to me, using the open ground to not sound like a crazy person.

‘Tch. He’s the reason why a lot of the people you saw in those Catacombs were even there, Applejack. He a murderous rapist that I would strike down if direct interference was more my style. As it is, he’s going to be taken care of.’ I gave up on using the Pony nationalistic words entirely and shot Applejack with a little bug that would make her phase them out of her vocabulary.

“... Gonna kill him, aintcha?”

‘I’ll have no hand in it, but yes. Herodotus has a target engraved into his flesh, and it will be a day of mass celebration in Minosia if he’s killed before he can truly start his war with Equestria.’

Applejack stopped and choked on her own saliva, caught off guard by a fit of coughing. “What!?”

‘Yes, the King of Minosia wants Equestrian land. The few wise Minotaurs of the lands have been fanning the coals of rebellion in order to stop the majority of the male population from being turned into corpses against Equestria’s might.’

“... Holy shit, Max. Can… Dear Creator above, am I goin’ ta Hell for wishin’ ill on that Minotaur?”

‘If hopes and wishes were more than what they are, then maybe. As it is, as long as you don’t give the order to have someone killed or commit the act itself, you should be good.’

“... I dunno how I feel about listenin’ to ya anymore. I’m… I’m kinda scared of what I’m gonna hear.” She said in a small voice.

I gave her a hug from light years away, but Applejack didn’t bother to hug the invisible person back. ‘All will be okay, my dear Apple. You are strong, even when you feel weak and powerless. Remember that.’

“If ya say so, Max. If ya say so…”

Author's Note

So I'm posting this one so soon after posting the last one because I'm not really trying to build a backlog so much as a buffer. This is the first of four chapters that I've pumped out as of right now, so I'll probably post the next chapter sometime in the middle of the week. Stay tuned~

Chapter Eight: That's Not Very Nice!

Chapter Eight: That’s Not Very Nice!

“Trouncing o’er land

Got a psycho in a sleigh

Heavy-handed bribes

Shall shed some blood today (Mwa-ha-ha!)

Tails on cattle sway

His eyes are bright and full

Don’t you fuck with me

Or your teeth I’ll pull

One more time around

I’ll make sure you die

You never cross a Gods-damned Varas

Unless you lose your life!

Oh~ you’re fuckin’ dead, fuckin’ dead, not goin’ die to-day

Fuck with me and then you’ll wish that you had stayed away, hey!

Fuckin’ dead, fuckin’ dead, you’re not goin’ die to-day

I’ll be back to see you as your body rots away-ay!

I sang merrily, creeping out my partners in torture just a little bit. I often fuck up songs just to make them a little bit more morbid, but after I’d cut out some of ‘Pops’ teeth and made sure he wasn’t going to move anytime in the rest of his life, I was a little more psyched to play with the cerebral side of torture rather than the physical side. There was a cabalistic essence that I was going to be adding in as an extra treat when we finally got to our destination, but it was something that I didn’t know whether or not it was going to work. Still, having Furladra cast her judgement on ‘Pops’ would be for the best since I only have the authority to deliver his life into her coffers. She’ll be the one to decide whether he wanders the planet for eternity, lost to all and powerless to correct the ‘wrongs’ committed against him, or he’ll be sent straight to Hæl after he dies. Either way, Furladra’s verdict will count more than Dissida’s as long as I don’t kill Pops right away.

Hurrata hitaaseen kuolemaan, or rather, hurrah for a slow death, am I right?

Anyway, Steely whistled as he pulled Odysseus’ sleigh and I sang my own tunes as the three people carrying our supplies were coming along just as pleasantly as they pleased, though they gave me funny looks for my song. The sleigh was waylaid a few times by guards who were wondering why we had a guy kinda sorta bleeding in it, but I usually explained that I was his son and that we were taking him to a Shaman for healing since a Dæmon had been the one to nearly kill him. Most of the guards were content to let it go at that since being a Xysma has its perks, but a palm or two needed some grease by way of a few silver drachs, although I had plenty to spare after collecting my just due from Odysseus’ coffers. The man was richer than shit since he had his hands in so many biscuit jars that it was honestly ridiculous, but still. As his heir, declared by Odysseus himself, his shit was mine for the taking as long as I took him out of the picture.

After we cleared town, the Dagger Fall, our Pegasus, and Dalia, a Mollyhen (Female Griffin. I forgot the term until just now, to be honest.) took off to find the nearest swamp and secure us a good place to let our tormentor die slowly. While we walked, I asked Steely if I could hop in the sleigh to get us started and he said that I was too small to be a problem, so it was fine. After doing a little hop to get into the place I wanted to be, I got the supplies from our guys and rammed the tube down Odysseus’ throat and attached a funnel to the end. Good Ol’ Pops woke up and tried to bite the thick tube since it was so ‘carefully’ rammed down his gullet, but it didn’t matter.

“Heya, Pops! Looks like you’re awake!” I gave him a bright smile as he tried to wriggle about, then it got bigger when I slapped him. “Ah, this is gonna be great! I can’t wait to send you to Furladra for your sins, you naughty little fucker.” I chuckled and shook my head at him. “I know you’re not gonna answer right now, but it’s okay. I don’t need you to say anything because I have some things to say.” I wiggled the tube around in his mouth and throat fucked him with it for a few minutes, making him gag and convulse, but I’d made sure that his stomach was empty before we put him in the sleigh, though it’s not like it would have mattered much. I could have just stoppered the tube.

[Ctrl+F Begone-Thought to Skip]

“Gauche, quit playing with your food.” Frieda giggled, taking to the air, keeping pace while not actually hopping in the sleigh itself.

“Oh please. This piece of inhumane shit bounced my head off of a table and crammed the flesh of a speaking creature down my throat for shits and giggles. I’m about to piss in the funnel to be honest with you.” I winked at her while Odysseus tried to moo menacingly through his nose.

Frieda gave me a look. “Seriously?”

“I’ve been holding it since we killed his little Honour Guard just for this moment.” I stood up and jimmied the ‘zipper’ on the comfortable ‘denim’ breeches, though I don’t know what the fuck denim is supposed to be. I just liked that they were black.

“I’m not going to stop you, but wouldn’t that make him sick?”

I got the zipper thing to go down and whipped my willy out before plopping it on the edge of the funnel. Pops tried to… Well, he kept trying to turn his head, but the tube was flexible enough to make it pointless. “Not sick enough to kill him. Besides, we can let him spew it back up anyway.”

“Ew.”

I started getting the first part of my relief and Odysseus did his best to roar as his stomach filled. “It’s worse coming up than going down, I’ve heard. Mix piss with bile and you get-”

“I really don’t want to know.” Frieda said awkwardly. “... Gauche, what exactly are we going to do to Odysseus again?”

“We’re going to let him rot away!” I gave her a smile and the corners of her beak turned upwards.

“Sounds good to me. We’re not starving him, right?”

“Nope! Milk and honey three times a day until he dies.” I finished and made sure to get the last few drops in before zipping up my trousers and letting the tube slowly slide out of Odysseus’ mouth.

Once it was out, he roared loudly enough to hurt my ears and make my bones feel funny. “YOU SOW’S SON BASTARD SHIT STA-” His stomach rejected it’s drink and he dropped his jaw to get it out of his system, but I stuffed the tube back down his throat before he could actually get it out and popped the cork back in before he could get it out.

His retching and all of that amounted to nothing for a few seconds while I hopped out of the sleigh, laughing the entire time with Frieda up until a yellowish-brownish brackish-looking liquid shot out of his nostrils and poured out of the corners of his mouth. After that? We lost our shit entirely. “Holy fuck! That’s fucking great!” Frieda exclaimed loudly. “Hot fuckity fuck! Did you know he’d do that?”

“Wait, what did he do? What happened?” Steely asked from a few feet in front of us. “Did our glorious leader lose his lunch?”

“Damn straight! Gauche was feeling a little pissy about having to spend three weeks recovering from Odysseus’ beating, and Odie took it like a champ before it shot out of his snout!” Frieda guffawed, her low, lovely alto turning as sadistic as it had when I’d allowed her to handle Sectus herself.

It reminded me to rub something into Odysseus’ face. “Oh yeah, Pops! I forgot to tell you that your little set-up with Sectus fell through harder than your little set-up with your buddies! And, on top of that, capital was my priority. Not the mission. Rule number one of being a Varas? Coin first, lives later. Always.” I spit it his eye and he couldn’t do a damned thing about it besides moo through his nose.

“Man, I bet we’ve got a great haul coming in when we get back to base. I don’t get to make much these days unless I have to go sleep with someone.” Frieda sighed.

“We’ll fix that, Frieda. You’re far more valuable as a Stroller than as a Streetwalker.” I praised.

She gave me a look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I returned her look with one of my own. “It means that you’re quiet and you have a good eye for the valuable shit. If I wasn’t already spoken for, I could probably get over the beak long enough for a peck or two.”

“Shut up, jackass.” She huffed, looking away from me. “I turn heads wherever I go. I don’t need to make you one of the drooling fuckers looking at my tail.”

I looked at her tail. “So why is there a little puffball on the end of it anyway? Most Griffins don’t have tails like that.”

An Earth Pony on the other side of the sleigh answered for her. “Do you seriously not find that attractive? Even if it’s just aesthetic, most red-blooded males would kill for a Mollyhen that took care of her tail like Frieda does. It’s basically a guarantee of personal hygiene.”

“Gee, when you lay it out like that, it makes me feel like so much more than a piece of meat. Thanks.” Frieda said irritably.

I put a hand on her leg instead of her shoulder since she was still flying and she looked down at the smirk I was giving her, but I said, “You know you’re more than quim with quills, Frieda. Just because these fucks give you the wrong kind of attention doesn’t mean that everyone assumes that you’re slutty.”

She rolled her eyes and touched down so she could walk next to me. “What a gentleman.” Frieda said, doing a damn good Maud impression.

“Mmm, I love a woman who speaks with no inflection.” I growled sensually.

That got laughs from everyone in earshot because they knew my lover well, but Steely laughed loudest. “Ha! He loves you because you sound like the grey Pony!”

“Shut up, lunkhead. Once you get something besides Bull semen between your ears, let me know.” Frieda said scathingly.

Steely turned and glared at her long enough to make a misstep and put his foot into a decent divot in the dry, nearly grassless earth. He nearly fell flat on his face, but no one really wanted to piss him off since he was our main muscle at the moment. “Easy there, Steely. The only person who can drag your arse back to base if you sprain an ankle or fuck your hoof up is Hot Tot or Lisck.”

The Earth Ponies in question laughed at that while Steely nodded. “My hoofing is sure. I was just busy glaring at the harlot.”

“Just a regular bundle of sticks, arentcha?” I asked drily.

“I am a Minotaur, not branches of wood.”

“What’s a bundle of sticks have to do with anything anyway?” Frieda asked.

“Do you have the term ‘faggot’ here?” I asked quietly.

She squawked and flew out of earshot to have herself a quick giggle while our fliers came back to tell us that we had a swamp a few miles ahead and that there was a village nearby. They’d gathered the intel we needed and apparently there were all sorts of creepy critters that were analogous to the ones from my world, which was the main point of going to a marshy area in the first place. I’m going to skip the rest of the walk since it was a little boring other than the advent of a few more jokes, a few sly innuendos, and the only other female in the group telling Frieda that she had a certain lopsidedness to her. Said female got cursed out for her words and everyone got a chuckle out of that, so spirits were good until we got to the swamp. After we hit the marshes, life sucked pretty hard for everyone since there weren’t really any trees with above-water roots that would allow us to get out of the water, but that’s mostly because there were no trees. I’d never been to a Thesuvian swamp, but I was still assured that the worst of Minosia’s creepy crawlers lived in the wetlands, as was common with most places that didn’t have outright jungles.

Once we settled down, I started the process of mixing and getting the first part of the honey blended into the cattle milk we’d brought along, making sure to tell Odysseus that we’d borrowed one of the cattle he kept in the Xysma ranch as the source of said milk. Steely found the news to be a little off-putting, but I offered to let him fuck Odysseus and he got upset about that instead of being salty about the cattle milk thing. What I didn’t mention was that we had three more jugs and that only two of said jugs actually contained ‘milk’. Everyone else other than our presiding Minotaur (Besides than the guest of honor himself, that is.) knew that I was planning on feeding my forcibly adopted fathersemen. How did we manage to wank enough bull juice to get two jugs?

Sometimes it’s better not to ask questions. It really is. It also took some time, but ‘stale’ bull juice is even better.

Anyway, the first batch went down as easily as it could have done and I got the plugs we had on hand into the correct orifices in time for Odysseus’ vomiting to fail miserably, even as white fluid leaked from his eyes. I’d seen something similar before along with the painfully distended stomachs of former victims, but that wasn’t the whole story, nor was it the end of the first day of Odysseus’ suffering. No, I happened to have a little vial of something special that I got while shopping with Pops himself, and when I waved it in from of his face, he just glared at me, not understanding what I was intending on doing with it.

“Heya, Frieda?” I said, biting back giggles.

“Yeah? What’s up?” She asked, a little bored since Odysseus had quieted down a lot.

“How sharp are your claws? Or should I say talons?”

She looked at them. “They’re talons on most Avians, Sweetheart, and not very. I don't keep mine sharp.”

I looked at Dalia. “What about you, Dolly? Do you keep yours combat ready?”

She nodded and sharpened them against themselves as she did, carrying on while she spoke with the sounds of harsh rasping evident during her reply. “Sure do, but don’t call me Dolly.”

“Can I call you Dally?”

“Like dilly-dally?”

“You sure as fuck took your time in getting back.” I replied humorously.

She rolled her eyes and Dagger Fall flipped me off. “Buck off, dickface. We’re both faster than you on the ground, let alone in the sky.”

“Just givin’ ya some shit, Bruv. I’d say I’m taking the piss, but it already shot out of his nose.” I jerked a thumb at Odysseus and pulled the plugs out of his nose so he could actually get a decent breath. “Dalia, I need you to shred his trousers and slice his pants off.”

She gave me a look. “I don’t wanna do that, Bub.”

“What if I offered you five drachs to do it? Silver, not copper.”

“Silvers are worth fifty, you simp.” Frieda said, confused.

“It’s worth two hundred fifty to me for a slapdash job, if you know what I’m saying. Especially around the groin.” I chuckled darkly.

The mood shifted a little and Dalia’s beak clicked once. “You want me to cut it off?”

“Oh Tartarus, my talons would be better for that.” Frieda giggled with me.

Odysseus mooed a little less violently this time, but he still sounded as pissed as he could be, but I put his fears to rest. “No, no, we’re not cutting it off. We’re cutting it up for a little fun-” Odysseus mooed much more loudly once he realized why I wanted the juice of the hottest pepper in Minosia; the Tongue-Fucker.

“... That was ominous.” Frieda said.

“Little sketchy.” Dalia agreed.

I smiled. “So what has Odie done for you?”

They looked at each other and looked back to me. “Nevermind.” They replied in unison.

“So where do you want me to start?” Dalia asked.

“Go from the waist down, but leave the tender bits for last, no?” I said cheerfully.

She gave me a wink. “Sure thing, Boss.”

I frowned. “I’m not really-”
Steely chuckled. “Oh no, you will most likely gain some manner of rank for dethroning a sapiavore within Bite-Back’s echelons. Odysseus was a fool with his power, and your subversion of his great strength shows promise.”

“It doesn’t really hurt that you seem to have a kind of air about you. Like, you’re really confident in what you can do, Dude.” Dagger Fall said reverently. “Schrade and you, or like, you and Schrade, both kinda have that air of intelligence or something, kinda like you halfway know what someone’s about to do.”

Frieda scoffed. “Shit, this guy has weird instincts. It’s bonkers, I’m telling you. We got set up bad, but he was the one who got us out alive for the most part. All I did was nail a few Watchers, but Gauche was the guy who got us another route.”

I scratched my neck. “It’s one thing if I brag, but it’s a whole different beast when you start doing it for me. I don’t think I like it.”

“Deal with it, dickface.” Dalia said, hopping into the enclosed sleigh to get started with Odysseus’ ‘disrobing’

He started mooing the moment she started cutting, and everyone present took an interest in watching her work, so we gathered around the sides of the sleigh, jockeying for better positions while Dalia haphazardly cut into Odysseus’ thick hide more often than not while she cut his trousers off. Once his pants were gone, I had her back out of the boat so I could apply some healing poultice to his wounds that would stop the bleeding before getting back out, but there was a problem in the form of his sheath. I wasn’t aware that most males on Equis had a sheath, but then Frieda took over and gave the unlucky fucker the last, though most likely the best, lap dance he’d ever get, making him rise soon enough. No one was expecting him to be hung like a doormouse apparently, but he was only small by Minotaur standards. I’m pretty sure he could have still knocked a small-to-medium sized woman out by whapping her with it if he’d really felt like being a dick with his dick, but I digress. More meat meant more bleeding, but Dalia barely traced her claws over most of his length until I told her to make sure that the blood was flowing.

Once she was done with her little venture, I traded places with her in the sleigh and patted both of Odysseus’ legs. “Heya Pops! How ya feelin’?” He grunted some unkind sounding non-words to me. “Great! That’s what we were aiming for!” I unstoppered the vial and placed my finger on top of the opening, daubing a little on the tip, and that kinda sucked since hot. Even with my mild discomfort, I knew it was about to get worse for good ol’ Pops, which happened immediately after I poked him in the eye, earning myself some distressed screams from him. “Ah, dontcha love it, Pops? Dontcha love the music!?” I bore my teeth to his one open eye.
“Sing for me you little whore, and sing all. Fuckin’. Day. I betcha it’s about to get a lot worse for ya.” I backed off a little and grabbed his rod with vengeance, digging my nails into the blood-slicked, tender flesh before dragging them from base to tip as slowly as I pleased, earning myself a few more screams before the real fun started.

“Someone’s a little fucking crazy.” Frieda commented idly.

“Just a little~” Dalia sang innocently.

I ignored them for the most part and slipped on a spare leather glove that I’d brought specifically so I could safely rub my special sauce into his rod, which garnered louder screams and some ‘enthusiastic’ thrashing of his head, but it still wasn’t over. “Heya, Pops! Whatcha bellyachin’ for? It’s not even bad yet!” Tears streamed from the once proud Bull’s eyes while I firmly grasped it, not allowing his appendage to slide into safe quite yet. With my other hand, which was still holding the vial, I patted Odysseus on the cheek. “We only used half the juice and you’re already bein’ a lil’ bitch, but do ya wanna know why I saved so much? And trust me, it’s not going in your mouth.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head, thrashing about even more, but between being tied down and having most of his major tendons and ligaments sliced to pieces, there wasn’t much he could do. Especially not as I lubricated the vial with leftover sauce from the glove, slipping it between my hand and his all-beef, kosher sausage before placing it against the entrance of his tip. He mooed repeatedly as I slid it in and I figured it best not to cackle lest someone figure out that I was having far too much fun with my vindication. Once I’d slid the whole vial into his mutilated member, I needed a little extra help.

“Oi! Someone got anything long and stiff besides a dick around here?” I asked, looking around.

Dalia gave me a confused look, evidenced by the furrowing of her brow. “... Whatcha need it for, Boss?”

“I’ve gotta push it in a little farther.” I said over Odysseus’ protests.

“Dagger’s fingers are the daintiest here. Otherwise you’re S.O.L, Bub.”

I looked at Dagger Fall and he blinked. “... Are you asking me to stick my finger in a Bull’s cock?”

“Yup” I replied.

“Sounds like it.” Dalia said shortly after.

“What did you think?” Frieda clicked her beak twice when she finished.

“I would do it.” Steely said.

“That’s because your sexuality is dubious. I don’t want to touch another guy’s meat.” Dagger said like a sexually-insecure teenager.

“I’m not asking you to suck it, I’m asking you to stick a finger in it. It’s not fun for any party involved, but it’s less fun for him.”

“I want some drachs for it.” He said stubbornly.

“I’ll give you three of the ones he’s supposed to give me.” Dalia said, trying not to giggle.

“Why are you throwing drachs away?” Dagger asked, bewildered.

“Five silvers for doing something fun is dumb. Two is enough for me, and fifty coppers ought to be enough to make up for the balance.”

He grumbled and fucking brayed. Like a horse. I expect cow things from Minotaurs because they look like cows on two legs. I expect bird things from Griffins because they have bird heads. When Cats lick the back of their hands to smooth down their fur? That’s cat stuff, and they look like cats. Ponies just look like slightly messed up Humans to be honest, so it’s weird to have them do horse stuff out of nowhere. Hæl, I’m pretty sure they whinny too, I just haven’t caught one doing it.

“Fucking fine.” He hopped into the sleigh, and despite Odysseus rapidly shaking his head, Dagger Fall begrudgingly buried the dry tip of his furry finger into the Bull’s urethra (I think that’s what it’s called anyway.) until he reached the last knuckle before pulling it out with a look of disgust on his face, drying his finger off on some of Odysseus’ tattered trousers. “Now what, you sick dick?”

I gave him a grim smile. “Tie off the tip.”

Silence fell for a moment. “... Why?” Frieda asked.

I looked at her. “Would you like to do it?”

“I will, but why?”

“T’is a surprise, fair Kitty-Birdy.”

She shot me a look. “I’ll still peck you.”

“Just tie it off, will you?” I deadpanned.

Frieda traded places with Dagger Fall while I held Odie closed and kept a firm grip on him to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere. Once Frieda had him tied nice and tight with some rough-spun twine, she gave me a curious look. “I know it’s gotta suck, but what’s the point of it?”

I adjusted myself so I could get Odysseus’ footlong frankenfurter onto my knee before brutally smashing it with the pommel of my knife. His cries were definitely heard, and they only grew in volume as I hit him time and time again. I stopped at three because I’m nice sometimes, but when I hopped out of the sleigh, no one said anything. “So? Everyone ready to go back to base for the day?” I shouted over Odysseus.

“... Dude.” Dagger Fall said. I only saw his lips move, but I assumed he used one of his favourite words.

“Savage.” Frieda commented, exiting the sleigh herself and standing next to me. “Remind me to never get on your bad side.”

[Ctrl+F Begone-Thought to Skip]

“Ah, fuck!” I shook the spare glove off and held my knife in my dominant hand before hopping back into the sleigh with ease. “Heya, don’t wait up on me. I’ve gotta do something real quick so I don’t go to Hæl for this.”

“The fuck?” Frieda asked.

Cutting off the remainders of Odysseus’ shirt was easy, so I started carving Furladra’s Seal into his flesh soon enough. “Gotta make sure Furladra can claim his soul as hers, otherwise I just did some Dæmon shit for Dissida’s pleasure.”

I was pretty sure that I was being stared at for tearing into Pops’ chest with my knife and carving the Seal into his flesh, and then I was certain that I was because I could feel everyone gathering around me to see my knife work. It took time, but I was kind of glad for the company since it meant that I wouldn’t be alone for my trip back to Bite-Back, which would have been a little sucky. As it was, I got the Seal done with my usual neatness, which is to say that it was slightly slipshod, but still recognizable by anyone who actually knew what the fuck it was. After that, I washed my hands in the muddy water and my little cadre spurred me on to lead the way home.

❖☬❖

I watched over Maud as she made her way toward the Maeotian Marshland, but my focus was on Luna and Celestia for the time being. They’d been discussing ‘Faith’ for some time now, and Luna’s retorts often came back around to, “Celestia, my sister, this being is Eldritch! A male Alicorn appears from the Ether, lit-er-al-ly, and you send off Twilight, of all ponies, to follow his orders? No matter how many times I explain how ridiculous you’re being, you just gloss over the glaring details!”

Celestia, however, was the one to find another tactic. “Sister, listen to yourself. You admitted of your own volition that Faith is Eldritch. What could we do to stop him? What could we possibly do to make his plans fall through? If not Twilight, then who else would he take for his game? If he doesn't think his plans are going through, then what do you honestly think will happen? Because I have a feeling that I know.”

I found that rather interesting, so I devoted a little more attention to the conversation.

Luna tried not to grind her teeth. “What. What could he possibly do that Discord or Tirek have not? What threat could he pose that-”

“He’s not from Equis, Luna.” Celestia said bluntly.

… Shit. Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-

“... What makes you sure of this? You said he was a Pony, was he not?” Luna asked cautiously.

The eldest Princess shook her head slowly before meeting Luna’s gaze, the feeling of being haunted perfectly expressing itself through the depths of her own eyes. “Luna, I met Faith’s gaze, and do you know what I saw?”

“I will not until you tell me.” Luna said, the feeling of being watched washing over her, despite that not being my fault.

“The end. I saw the purest of white and the darkest of black. I saw Death’s Door in his gaze, and he wasn’t even aware of it. Luna, ‘Faith’, as he calls himself,” She made some exaggerated air-quotes, making my silvery, iridescent blood freeze in my veins, “may very well thrive off of exactly that. My sister; in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that Twilight was given a mission from The Creator.”

Fuck me. FUCK. ME.

“The Creator takes no physical form, Celestia. And besides, did Faith himself-” The bluest of the Princess began.

“The Creator is the one who makes the rules, Luna, but what I can’t understand is why he’s using Twilight. All I know is that something is shifting beneath our feet. I can feel it in my wing, Luna. The old scar is acting up again, and I’m scared, but I need you. I need you, Lulu. I need you to help me figure out just what the buck is going on.”

Luna stared at her sister: digesting, contemplating, and brainstorming. “... Celestia, what if it’s time?”

“There is no prophecy about The Creator touching Equis and delivering an ‘untrustworthy hooligan-looking type man’ to our planet. There are no more prophecies, Luna. They’ve all come to pass.” She interrupted solemnly.

“... That’s what I mean.” Her only sibling replied softly. “Every prophecy we had has come to pass, and now we have Faith, a being with powerful Magic to an extreme, has come saying that he has plans. What if-”

I froze time and took a much needed break, clutching at my hair and screaming my bloody head off like a madman. Everything I’d been working toward for googols upon googols of years… All shot down, once again, by mother. Fucking. Celestia. At that moment, I was a fucking atom’s nucleus’ breadth away from ripping her innards out through her bunghole for eternity. All of them. Every. Single. Fucking. One. As it was, I couldn’t stop myself from bitch-smack/slapping (I did both.) every Celestia that had existed during this particular run, and when she recoiled from the blow, I thought that I might have made a bit of a mistake, but I had to listen on to know if I was going to just abandon the planet entirely, or if I was going to be allowed my one pea of hope. I remembered keeping that pea under my plate in Kali’s compound, but I couldn’t be sure if I was supposed to eat it quite yet.

I conjured up a little ball of Celestial Bronze, the size of a pea, of course, and just looked. I clutched it and closed my eyes, my mind racing before I felt arms envelope me. “Oi-oi, Sweetie. Looks like you’re stressed out.”

”Roxanne, not now.” I said softly, struggling to hold it together.

“Max, Smokey, relax a little, would you? Breathe for me, okay?” I took a shallow breath, but that wasn’t good enough. “A deep one, Max. You’ve given the same advice before, so take your word and use it. You’re a wise man, and you’ve always been a crafty guy-”

“If I’m so fucking crafty, then why am I the oldest God, bar-fucking-none? The only things that have ever been older than me were the Truths, and even they faded away, Roxy. Even they found what they needed. I’ve been working for so fucking long…” I took another shallow, shaky breath while Roxy held me tighter.

“Max, have some faith in yourself. You can always try again-”

“How fucking long! How fucking long do I have to wait!?” I roared, bubbling over enough for black holes to engulf multiple planets before Twilight could stop them from spreading any further. I knew that it was unfair of me to have my wives. Full stop. It was bullshit that I’d pulled both of them through resets, but when Roxy spun me around and slapped my shit?

I’d never been more grateful for my mistakes.

“Shut the fuck up before I actually hurt you.” Roxy growled. “You think Twilight and I want to have our universes frozen? You think we want to be older than most of our fellow Creators? You think we fucking want to be aware right now? Because we don’t, Max. We’re here because you need us, and we’re here to keep you from losing your fucking mind. Listen to me when I say that you need to get the fuck over yourself. Step in. Bless your Chosen with something they can actu-” I placed a finger on her lips, my eyes wide.

“Jameson.” I whispered.

She gave me a look and slowly moved my finger. “What?”

“Do you remember Jameson? His brother was Ty Tydeman, and I put them on the same planet Hug Bunny is from.”

“... Yeah, but not enough to know where you’re going with this.” Roxy said uneasily.

“I still have him. He’s not a Chosen, but he’s blessed all the same, Roxy. If I give Gauche the standard three and throw in a non-Chosen to help him along with the quest, then I’m not breaking any rules.” I said excitedly.

“... Are you sure that’s a wise thing to do?” Roxy asked doubtfully.

“Frosty, it’ll throw them off.” I said softly.

Her eyes widened. “... Where are you dropping him?”

I shook my head. “He’ll find his way wherever he needs to be.”

“... So you’re making them both go in blind, all things being said.” Roxy stated flatly.

“Iry-Hor never told any of his Chosen jack shit. You broke rules and I covered for you.” I replied sharply. “I’m not trying to set a bad example for the six hundred and sixty-three other Cap G’s, and you know why.”

She prepared to give me a look, but I met her with a look darker than the night sky and she rethought it. “Okay. Do things by the book, if that’s what you need to do.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “You think that this is going to fall through, yet you just told me to keep trying. What do you want from me, Roxanne?”

My Eve sighed pretty heavily. “... I don’t know, Max. I’m just tired right now.”

I just looked at her. I looked and resisted the urge to smack her. “I understand Roxy. You know I do.”

She gave me a little smile. “Can we get away from this for a little bit? Clear our minds and put it on the backburner?”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. Wunt sum fuk?”

Roxy gave me a look. “I can see you misspelling the words in your head, you Neanderthal.”

I replied with a little smile we both knew took a lot of strength to muster. “Meaningful sex though.”

She returned it with a little one of her own, equivalent to mine. “I love you, Smokey.”

“I love you too, Frosty.” I said, using some old language that I’d put in the back of my mind to share my feelings. I don’t feel like writing those literal Moon Runes, so English it is.

With most of my attention diverted from watching over stuff like usual, I was able to find some manner of peace for a few passionate hours with Roxy, but I’d kept that little ball of Celestial Bronze. It was between my gum and cheek, and it was comforting to have a physical representation of my hope, as conventionally meaningless as it was. After all, what does a trinket need to be worth for it to hold value? The little nugget would have gotten passed up by just about any lowercase G, let alone the Cap G’s, but it made me feel a little less ancient all the same.

❖☬❖

The walk back to base was pretty good, all things considered. Nobody was visibly perturbed by the heart-wrenching events that had just gone on, no one objected to the torture of a sociopathic sapiavore, and I was getting comments about how no one wanted to get on my bad side in more or fewer words almost constantly. The last part was a little annoying since I pretty much trusted everyone in the little squad with my life, despite not having known them very long. It was hard to stay wary of like-minded people who had honest eyes whenever they spoke to me, and since my gut had been feeling good all day, I wasn’t about to let a little thing like fear from some comrades bother me too much. It makes me sound like a bit of a psychopath, and to be honest?

I think I might be heading down that path…

Ever since Odysseus shoved pieces of that poor woman down my throat, I’d been feeling kind of… Off, I guess. It felt like something was going off inside constantly, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. The sensation wasn’t alien or really even mentionable since it was barely there, but it was somewhatunfamiliar, and I couldn't shake the idea that the feeling was connected to that horrid little nightmare. Of course, I didn’t really want to mention it to anyone because I didn’t want to be put down, but there was something going on and I didn’t really want to go to a Healer in Minosia since Minotaurs are stupid as fuck, so I resolved to wait until Twilight took me to Equestria with her, but that brought up another problem.

The more I thought about Twilight, the more certain I was that she would never look at me with those adorable, intelligent, naive eyes the same way ever again if she knew what Applejack had figured out from my little hints, and I hoped that her friend would keep that quiet. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would abandon me again, but for good this time around, if something about what we’d done to Odysseus got out. After those little thoughts crossed my mind, I realized that I was divided, and that what I was feeling seemed to be the halves of myself pulling away at each other.

On one hand, I knew Twilight would be disappointed in not just me, but herself if I started fucking things up for her in Equestria, which meant that I was either going to have to sacrifice the vast majority of whatever I stole in Equestria to Furladra and pray that she helped me keep my double life a secret, or I was going to have to go it straight. On the other hand, I wanted to stay in Minosia and take my title as my cadre assured me I was due to receive, to keep living the only life I’d known. The real dilemma, or rather, to put it in simpler words, was that I was afraid of going straight and I was afraid of getting worse than what I’d already proven to be just hours ago. I mean, when I look back on it now, I realize that I went from being a Twilight Stroller with dirty hands that rarely got bloody to a serial killer in the time that I’d been in Minosia, and… Well…

How does a man say that he fears himself? How does he admit that he’s afraid of what he’s becoming, even though his success is leading him to a path he wouldn’t find unjust necessarily, but darker than the one he’d previously been on? I recalled Vex’s words from so long ago, from the multiple times she’d said them to me. She’d told me that I was going to go Rimey at some point, and that the hoarfrost coating me would freeze those closest to me, but I’d thought that she’d been exaggerating. I laughed her off every time and just cited some time that Mercer had to make an example of some out-of-pocket Guildies that thought they could take over, or the time Desmond had Flint call in some favours to fuck up some Aristocunt’s ships that went out at sea because he didn’t pay the tax. At that point in time, I was already a broken sham of a man, but I didn’t want to face it because I felt fine; believed that I was perfectly okay because I’d only ended a few lives. However, the more I thought, the more I saw. I’ve mentioned that I exterminated a Brotherhood keep before, and I finally see what Vex meant. She most likely knew that she was on borrowed time since her Seal was gone when we found her. She probably suspected that I’d seek vengeance, avenge her as a son would for his mother, and I don’t doubt that she foresaw me taking down my targets…
The longer I stayed in my head, the more I felt the weight settle in on my shoulders, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t know how to shake the frost that was coating me, didn’t know how to warm my rapidly cooling heart up again, and that would have made me sad in most cases, but recognizing the cold for what it was made me numb. I couldn't think of any way to further Odysseus’ suffering for giving me the final push into being a monster. There really wasn’t a worse punishment I knew of than being String-Struck, tied into a watertight vessel, and being left to rot. My Flash Face slid itself on before I could freak or lose my mind, but I knew that I was on the brink, and I had a heavy impression that going to Equestria would be for the best. After all, why not find something more honest than thieving? I mean, I’m damn good at what I do, but I could still make offerings to Furladra through working at as a smith of some sort. An appraiser makes decent money if they’re good at what they do, and I’ve always been good at marking prices for shit since I liked to make sure I could give my Goddess her due, but it was an unattractive idea to say the least, and I honestly felt like it would be easier to just keep killing people as they needed to be killed.

Notice how I didn’t mention just being a thief. I found it incredibly unlikely that I’d be free of blood after killing Odysseus. It just wasn’t in the future, no matter how long I looked at it with my usual levels of healthy skepticism. The matter bothered me and the only person I could talk to it about was Maud, but she was missing in action at the moment, and there was no guarantee that I would see her in the coming night, which lowered my spirits a little further since I preferred to spend my sleepy time with my Mauble, but I didn’t have to let life suck for much longer because Maud somehow found us on the road back to town and joined the squad for the remainder of the journey. However, sometimes life is just made to suck eggs.

“Epidote,” Maud murmured as we entered town. “Bid Biting Wind goodbye. Give them your instructions for Odysseus’ suffering and let us leave Minosia. Soon.”

I glanced at her and tried to steady my breath. “So eager to leave?”

“Yes. Minosia holds friends for you, but-”

“Herodotus. I need to kill him before I go, Mauble.” I murmured.

“Let Kerrick mind his business and figure it out for himself. You are not safe here, and our ticket to my home will surely provide you with safe passage.”

“Hey, what are you two whispering about?” Frieda called from a decent distance away. To explain why she wasn’t nearby, Maud and I had fallen behind a little to talk. “Bedroom business can wait until we get back to base.”

I made a decision then and there, and I was leaning on Maud’s wisdom for it. “We’re not going back to base quite yet, Frieda. Go on without us, we might come back, might not for a while.”

She nodded without a problem and I was a little bewildered that she’d just given in that easily, but never look a gift Griffin in the beak or something like that. Another thing that worried me was how little I really cared about leaving Bite-Back behind, but when Maud and I turned tail, I had to ask, “How did you manage to find them?”

“I asked around for where a hooded man around your height had been seen, most likely with Odysseus. I told people that I was looking to save you and the women you were with from him, but some people were a little guarded with their information. I thought that you might appreciate bribery more than beating them senseless.” Maud monotoned, her voice carrying a slight, and I do mean minimal, amount of respect for my wishes, which would have translated to near reverence from just about any other woman, I think. “Gauche, you were not supposed to live to this day. The ambushes set for you were certain death for most people, but you survived. Not by running, as I have seen for my own eyes, but by ending all who opposed you.” She placed her hand on my arm and looked at me as we walked, letting our peripheral vision steer us away from oncoming traffic.

“... Yeah. Kinda had some time to think about that to be honest with ya.” I said casually.

Maud squeezed me a little harder and lengthed her steps to quicken us along. “Gauche, what do you want?”

“... My gut is telling me to stick to what I know, but my mind is telling me to go to Equestria. This doesn’t happen often.” In the moment, I rather hoped that my Flash Face was still on convincingly enough, but it’s not like I could know before Maud’s reply.

“Stick to what you know in Equestria. Bite-Back also has a presence there, and we can set your new life up with our connections, even with Twilight’s possible hindrance. It is unlikely that she will object to you wanting to find your own path, so…” My Mauble trailed off, which was a little unlike her, and it sounded a little unnatural to be honest.

“... What if I want to stay here?” I asked softly.

“... I would ask that you reconsider.”

I nodded a few times. “I’d rather save you the trouble. If we can keep my usual activities a secret, then I don’t believe it sounds like a bad idea.”

“Bite-Back’s presence in Equestria runs deeply enough to keep your nose clean if you do not wish to get your hands dirty with anything other than what you are comfortable with.”

“What does that mean?”

“Equestrian Bite-Back agents often live double lives to avoid being caught. A part of this double life often involves finding a partner with a like mind and finding a place to call home.” Maud blushed lightly, her cheeks turning a similar shade as her sister’s for a brief moment.

Flash Face couldn’t stop my own cheeks from warming up. “... Are you asking me to move in with you?”

“I-I am asking you to be my partner, yes.” Maud stuttered on the first word, proving that even the most emotionally inexpressive of people still have feelings.

I was on a roll for life changing decisions, so I chose the best looking option. “Okay. Let’s face this together, no?”

She gave me a smile. A smile that was actually rather noteworthy; that just so happened to carry a little bit of a familiar element to it. “That is good to hear, Gauche. I believe that between the two of us, we will change the face of Equestria for the better.”

I did my best to return her smile, and it came to me easily enough. “Here’s hoping we don’t have to keep going across the world on missions to take down dictators.”

Maud let loose a few ‘Ha’s, as dry as she could get them. “That is the job, Gauche. That is what we do, and that is the reason I am asking you to become an Equestrian friend of the fold. We will have little to do in my homeland, but there is always the option of being moved around as we please. We could go anywhere you want. With good luck, that is.”

I reached for Maud’s hand and she let me have it. “Sounds like the only thing that’s really changing is where I lay my head at the end of the day.”

“In essence, that is true, but would you not rather be with me as long as you are doing what you know best?”

“That’s true, yes, but I don’t know if I should keep doing it. I’m becoming something I don’t really want to be, Maud, if I haven’t already become it.”

“... What are you becoming?” She asked, her volume slightly muted.

I glanced down an alley, one that would lead me to a familiar place. “... Something I never really wanted to be. Maud, there are things I have to take care of before leave Minosia, and I want your help in doing them. It’s mainly one thing since I’m not exactly going to go after Priority Number One, but A Taste Of Evil still exists. I’d like to make that untrue.”

“Do you know of its location?” Maud asked, stopping me and leading me somewhere.

“Yeah, why?”
‘
She pointed out a couple of chatting guards and they took notice of her pointing. One of them rolled their eyes and the other touched his knuckles to the other’s shoulder before they turned to greet us. “Hail! What do you two need?”

Maud waited until we were nice and close to say, “We know where A Taste of Evil lies. Would you mind taking care of it so we do not have to?”

“Sounds a lot more like your problem.” One of them snorted.

His partner gave him a fucked up look. “The Captain wants that place torched, you sick cattle.” He turned to us. “Thank you citizens. Would you mind-” His partner rolled his eyes and walked away. “Fucking bribed asshole. Looks like I’ll have to rally a few friends.”

Maud looked at me. “What say you handle it, then? It does not sound like this will end well for the Guard.”

I nodded and looked at the guard. “Get some friends together and meet us at,” I pulled out a scrap of paper and wrote down the nearest shop, “The Bitch’s Brew. We’ll flush them out towards you and your people, alright? It goes down tonight so we can get these Satyrs back to Tartarus where they belong.”

“They’ve been servin’ up Satyr now? Everyone knows those guys are wimps.” The guard frowned deeply. “Ain’t no point in eatin’ one a’ them unless you’re just crazier than Odysseus.”

“Or as crazy as him. It really just depends, Bruv.” I sighed. “We’ll get the set up going, you just be prepared at ten tonight, alright?”

“Who are you to be givin’ orders?” The fellow asked suspiciously.

“I was an unwilling patron of the establishment.” I said darkly. “I’ll flush them out, you round them up.”

“Still don’t like some little meatsack tryin’ to tell me what to do.” He muttered.

“I’m not giving orders, I’m giving you the plan. See you at ten.” I gave him a nod and looked at Maud before gesturing with my head for her to follow me.

After a few minutes of walking, Maud evidently got fed up with not knowing where we were supposed to be going. “Gauche, where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere the party doesn’t stop.”

“... What is that supposed to mean?”

“Alcohol. Lots, and lots of alcohol.”

Maud didn’t get it, and she even more confused when we stopped at a shop specializing in tinctures, but the turpentine I got along with the moonshine that I got was enough to fill two bags, and those two bags were more than enough to get us well onto our way. I dragged Maud to A Taste of Evil and warned her that we were probably going to walk into a slice of Hæl again, but she told me of the time she’d punched someone’s jaw off and ripped their tongue out of their mouth, and I was pretty sure she’d be fine enough. Still, since her bag was heaviest, I made sure that she was the one who started us off by throwing a jar of moonshine at one of the grills lining the horrid place. It was a little late for the normal clientele to be in, but the staff that worked there was good enough in my books. Once Maud and I managed to set a good portion of A Taste of Evil ablaze by placing our shots well, I started looking for the captive Satyrs.

Maud told me to go in solo it since she needed to handle the few patrons that were showing up, but I really didn’t want to leave her behind, so I passed her a smoke pellet and told her to pop it when she needed to make a clean getaway. With that done, I ignored the screams of people who were ablaze, running for the exit while I went deeper into the shit-show and peeked through to the other side via a side door that was nice and ostentatious. There were some employees hiding with the Satyrs, most likely guarding them for more profits, so I made quick work of the sick fucks without killing them by giving them both a decent stab in the gut to deal with rather than worrying about what was going on in my neck of the woods.

Most of the Satyrs were chained to heavy balls that didn’t allow them to move, and they were all sluggish after being freed, which made me certain that they’d been drugged to make their escape that much more difficult. Still, I managed to shepard them out the way I entered, and when I caught up with Maud, she’d been throwing patrons out the doors in various states of health, though most of them were either burned or unconscious. Maud herself had taken a shallow stab to her breast and was bearing it with a straight face, though I didn’t doubt that it had hurt going in. The Minotaur guards could be heard closing in, so I got us moving without further ado since we’d fucked most of those guys up, and a good number of them were dead anyways inside.

Once we were on the road again, Maud waited until Twilight’s temporary lodgings were in sight to tell me that she needed to go get her rock collection and not to wait for her to come back until dawn, so I bid her farewell for the time being and went to see the witch, the bitch, and Maud’s bubbly sister, who I didn’t have a rhyming word for. I knew which room they were in, but it was awfully dark because it was the middle of the fucking night. And I was willing to bet that they just wanted the day to be over. When I entered through their window and didn't hear any of them wake up, I assumed that’s what it was and sat down underneath the sill because I’d had a long day and long night.

I must have nodded off, because I never heard the man enter the room. I never heard him sit next to me, but I did hear him say, “Garrison Varas… Born with Wind in your heart,” from nearby. In some form of pseudo-lucidity, I understood the man as he spoke, but was unable to look at him or speak to him, though his voice was comforting. “You possess the Magicks of the wind, my son. You harness its strength passively through the Ill Winds, but you do not know how to use them. You will learn in time, and you will learn to spread the Wind as you feel it. You are a smart man, Garrison. You have always had to be.”

The voice stopped speaking and I immediately whipped my head to the right, where it had been coming from, but there was nothing other than a note on the floor. As if the odd voice and it’s news hadn’t been strange enough, then the note was even more so. All it said was ‘It’s not just in your gut.’, which was odd because there was nothing in my gut at the moment, and that couldn't be rectified at the moment, so I settled in for a hungry night while waiting for Maud, wondering which God had finally come to call after all my time of praying to them. I folded my hands and prayed to Furladra for a moment because shit was just odd and it made me feel odd, but there was something making my stomach feel funny, and it wasn’t the mild hunger pangs. I stopped murmuring under my breath for a couple of seconds before picking it up again, restarting the prayer, but I knew that something was going on, and I wasn’t sure what it was.

Well, I wasn’t until someone stepped on my bloody head.

“Ah!” A distinctly female voice cried, fucking my neck up a little before landing in my lap. “Who the-”

A non-oil lamp flicked on and so did another, and soon the person in my lap was trying to get back out of the window. I had her by the foot since she had to clamber over me to do it, so I got my balance and yanked her back. “Fuckin’ oi! Who taught you to step on a man’s head!?”

The would be assailant flipped over onto her back, but I couldn’t see her face since she was pulling her hood down while kicking at me. “Lemme go, you looney!” She cried loudly.

I caught her other foot and threw her legs to the side before mounting her quickly. The little minx managed to get onto her stomach before I could get her cowl, but when I did, I paused. “Human…”

“What the bloody Hæl did you expect, a donkey!?” She groused angrily. “I didn’t do anything, I just got the wrong room! Lemme go!”

I sat low on her hips so she wasn’t going anywhere, though I had to take notice of the thing slightly below her hips since it was round and firm enough to let me know it was there. In other words, she had a great arse and it was distracting. “How’s the ale, Guttersnipe?”

She froze and turned to look at me slowly, propping herself up on her elbows. “... Pale, stale, and hoppy. How’s the food, Stickum?”

“... Mealy, bland, and hard. Heya, Sis.”

“Hullo, Bro. Mind gettin’ off my arse?” She asked stiffly.

I backed off as our audience circled us. “Gauche, what’s going on?” Twilight asked blearily.

“We just found a friend of mine by complete accident. Cast any spells lately, Twilight?” I asked drily.

“Spells? You consortin’ with witches and Dæmon-slaves? A Varas?” My Guildie asked.

“How’d you know I was a Varas?” I asked sharply.

The woman’s head didn’t turn toward the window, but her eyes did. “How’s the porridge?”

“Sweet, warm, and if you want it, you can have some honey.” I answered kindly, recognizing her as another Varas, though she definitely wasn’t an Avalesch Varas.

“Why do y’all keep talkin’ about food?” Applejack asked irritably. “And what time is it?”

“We’re making confirmations. We’ll take it somewhere else. Come on, Sis. I’m sure you’ve got some questions.” I said, offering her a coin from my pouch.

She took it and rolled it with her knuckles flawlessly before pocketing it. “Price of using an extra-Avalesch shill.”

“It’s a drach, and look at these three for all of two seconds.” I replied, gesturing toward the Mares.

She licked her lips. “... Knew it wasn’t just the Minotaurs. Gauche… You’re Gauche Suede, Vex’s right hand, right?”

I nodded and inspected my fellow Varas’ appearance. She wasn’t an Avalesch since her hair was bright red, telling me that she was most likely from Gerritt, or if she was showing up here, on a different fucking planet, Amestris, which, as unlikely as it was supposed to be, didn’t strike me as impossible. “You know me, but I don’t know you. What’s your sling?”

“... Dippy.” She murmured apprehensively.

I slid on my Flash Face immediately. “Dippy. Let’s go parlay for a moment. We’ll take it to opens, no blade-fingering.”

“What?” Applejack asked.

‘Dippy’ answered for me. “We’re taking it outside and we’re just going to talk, no need for knives.”

“Wait, do you two know each other?” Twilight asked excitedly.

“I know of Gauche, but I don’t know him.” ‘Dippy’ passed me a furtive, respectful nod that was pretty much the Guild equivalent of ‘Bud, you’re stories are legends.’ when used in context. “The guy’s been around the Guild for too long for me to have not seen him at least once.”

“What Guild?” The three mares asked at once.

“Don’t worry about it right now. The Guild was just a place for me and my friends to bring some extra friends to discuss business and moves we should make. Stuff to keep our heads above water and all that.” I answered quickly. “Dippy, is that right?”

She nodded and looked at Applejack. “I was one of Desmond’s friends, one of his Gadai. He taught me a lot and usually told me about what Gauche got accomplished for the night since he was practically a doting father.”

“What happened to your actual Pops?” Applejack asked.

I exchanged a look with ‘Dippy and we both looked at her like she was stupid for a second, but I spoke first. “‘Dippy’ was implying that Desmond was like a father to me since I don’t know mine. Never did, still don’t want to.”

“Ah. Sorry.” She said abashedly.

“Don’t worry about it.” I gestured with my head for Dippy to head toward the door.

She held up the coin she had pocketed. “Are you going to want this back?”

I pulled out another one and handed it to her, the old Guild sign for, ‘You’re safe with me.’. “I don’t. I’m sure you could use the extra scratch though.”

‘Dippy’ nodded. “Let’s go, then.”

She exited the room and I followed shortly after before leading us down to the tavern below. There were a few farmers who had comes for drinks, so I got ‘Dippy’ and myself a couple of mugs of the decent Equestrian ale that was more expensive rather than the shitty Minosian ale that left your stomach sour and your mouth dry. Dippy and I also got some food, but there was no meat, and the stock was made from salt, water, and boiled tuber, so it was more of a chowder since starch had been added to thicken it up. I paid for the drinks and the meal, and then for a second one for each of us since ‘Dippy’ scraped her bowl clean and went at it again with some bread. She blushed when I got the second helping, but I just pushed my cowl back and gave her an easygoing smile.

“So why don’t we start with you telling me your real name, Lover?” I asked. “Or your actual sling. We both know you’re not Rosaline, you’re aware of the fact that I’m a Varas, and you know I’m Garrison. If there’s anyone you can trust from our circle, it’d be either me or Desmond.”

‘Dippy’ bit her lip. “... My real sling is Raspberry.”

I raised my chin at her. “Oletko varjoinen tytär?”

She leveled a look at me. “How did you know I wasn’t Dippy?”

“Dippy was a brunette, and her arse was as flat as a hotcake.”

“... Minä olen tulipalo.” Ladesa answered.

I stopped my jaw from dropping and cocked my head to the side. “Heya, Big Sis. Wasn’t expecting to see you before Desmond put me in charge.”

She gave me a tight smile. “That’s the only reason I told you the sling. You were the most likely guy to take up his place.”

“So what’s stopping me from assuming you’re lying?” I asked amusedly.

“Nothing other than the fact that you know I’m not. I told you the right sling and I answered you in Varic-”

“What did we say?”

She flashed me a dark look. “You asked if I was a shadowy daughter, not the Shadowy Daughter. You were trying to trip me up.”

“And yet you still gave the right answer. Why?”

“I am not a patient woman.” Ladesa huffed.

I chuckled and stirred a spoon through the decent potato soup that the waiter had brought for the second meal. “Can’t believe it’s really you. It’s an honor, Big Sis. It really is.”

“Pfft.” She snorted. “The way Mum talks, you’re the favourite right now. I mean, yeah, I did everything you’ve done and more but no~o the mortal gets all the credit.” Ladesa grumbled like an irritable child. It didn’t help that she had a soprano and her voice was already rather stubborn-sounding to begin with, like she was a Spitfyre ready to bite someone’s head off.

I gave her a confused look. “I knew I had Furladra’s favour, but surely she prefers you over me?”

Ladesa gave me a look. “Would I be stripped of my Voima if she did? The woman cast me from the Heavens when she got tired of me and started looking for something new. Shouldn't have been surprised. It’s not like my first life amounted to all that much.” She glared at her food and started eating again.

“So you’re stuck is what you’re saying?”

“I’m guessing that we were supposed to meet up as some sort of part of her grand plan or whatever. I don’t even care, but it’s not like I can go against her without her fucking my life up…” She sighed wearily.

“Oi, I’m sure that if we start producing for her, the blessings will come rolling in and she’ll favour you again.” I assured her.

“That.” Ladesa pointed at me. “That shit right there. That unwavering faith of yours is why she bloody likes you so much. All she’d have to do is whisper to you once and you’d dip your face into a pot of her piss.”

I frowned at her. “This piss-pot boy just bought you a meal out of the kindness of his heart. I wouldn’t be so quick to forget that we’re both Varas here.”

She blushed and glowered at the table. “What good’s being a Varas here? All we ever do is steal, Gauche-”

“Then give your toll to Furladra and pinch your profits for some orphans like I do.” I said simply.

“... You cut your profits after the toll for that? I heard the rumours, but I thought they were just that...”.

I gave her a confused look. “Orphanages always need money, Raspberry. I know you grew up with Furladra, but don’t tell me you never thought to do some good with what you managed to stack up over the years.”

“... Why would a thief give more away than he has to?” Ladesa asked, bewildered.

“... Why would a thief keep everything if he doesn’t want to just sit on useless money? I mean, I could’ve bought my way into the King’s Court, but why? I could’ve built a nice house in the countryside, but that’s for later on in life. I could’ve bought a lot of better gear, but Daelus could only come up with so much at a time, and I didn’t need better armour if I wasn’t getting attacked. Hæl, if you know much about me, then you know I came from Maric, and you know that Terabithia was a real Hælhole. Places like that need help more than anywhere else, and they need money to get those kids food and medicine since the fucking Aristocunts want to keep having bastards and not take them in. So yeah, I gave my shillings away to people who needed them more.”

“... Holy shit… So that’s why Mum likes you. You give back when you don’t have to!” Ladesa groaned loudly, moving her bowl so she could bounce her pretty little head off of the table a few times. “Ugh! Why do I have to be generous and shit to be liked?”

“Just give it a shot, Raspberry.” I said quietly. “See a Many-Mammy-Mummy’s eyes light up when you put a pouch of coins in her hands. Watch those kids jump for joy when you tell them that they’re getting something other than porridge for dinner. See ‘em twirl and show off when you buy ‘em a new tunic or some breeches. Hæl, hit a big score and you can probably get most of them new shoes, and drum up business for a cobbler. You put more in, you get more out. Haven’t you ever read the Alchemical Philosophies?”

She gave me a sour look. “I’m a thief, Gauche. I might know how to read since I’m fuckin’ old, but I’d rather be out stealin’ than readin’.”

“Just try giving to those who actually need it every once in awhile. I mean, haven’t my offerings to you been decent?”

“... I just get to see them, Garrison. I don’t get to hold them.” She said, pouting like a much younger woman, and I found it rather endearing since she’d pretty much just been acting like she’d just hit her twenties, give or take a year for range. It was clear that she wasn’t mad at me per she, but she was pretty much just venting anyway.

“So I’ll find some new non-Daemonic Magic stuff that will make you doubt all of my previous offerings’ true value, and you will have first pick. I’ve managed to send Furladra her half of my profit-”

“Wait, no. Stop.” Ladesa raised her head and her hands simultaneously, :You give her how much?”

“Half.” I answered honestly.

“... No shit you’re the favourite! Quit fucking up the curve!”

“... Sorry?”

Her face flushed and she balled her fists up. “Do you even realize how-” Ladesa made a sound of which when transcribed sounds something like, “Urgghaar! Ya fucklesnatcha!”

The eight hundred year-old Demi-Goddess garnered a lot of attention for her outburst, and then a lot more chuckles once people started repeating what she said. I heard “Lil’ fucklesnatcha!” more than a few times times in half-drunk jeers while Ladesa’s face grew hotter. I was very tempted to take a jab at her, but for one, I’m not one to bully a person who’s done me no wrong; especially not a fellow Varas. Two, Voimaton or not, Ladesa was still a Demi-Goddess, and I owed her the respect she deserved, even if she did act like she’d barely popped her cherry a day ago. Three? She was already dying of embarrassment, and I’m a sucker for a cute girl. The blush was absolutely harrowing.

“Ladesa, ignore the fools. You’re above that shit, no?” I asked, giving her a challenge to face.
Like with most hotheads, it panned out decently. “You damn right, but who likes gettin’ fuckin’ laughed at?”

“No one, but we were havin’ a chat, yeah?”

She took a breath and said, “What the fuck is up here, Gauche? What’s the deal?”

Uh… Hmm… I could go over the exhausting conversation I had with Ladesa about every little detail of what I’d done since I’d gotten to Minosia and what we were going to do, or I could just pick up with Ladesa asking, “So you’re going to Hæl, and you’re well aware of that, right?”

I gave her a half-drunk look because I’d had a few. In my defense, I don’t really drink, but life sucked upon this day with the intent to swallow the yolk without breaking the egg itself. “Prolly. I duh’wanna go ta Hæl, but Imma goin’.”

“In fairness, I’m going too. It’s everyone in the Guild and more, Garrison.” Ladesa sighed. “Let’s get a room and have you sleep it off, you jackass.”

I left the rest of my pint and went to stand, wobbling a little before I got my balance. Being a lightweight had never really been a good thing for me besides on those lonely nights, but I generally try to stay away from anything too strong. I was good to walk on my own, however, but buying a room was easier said than done since the innkeeper wanted to haggle with me. I threatened to fuck him because I could and Ladesa stepped in and apologized for my drunken attitude, citing the fact that we only had so many coins for a room, which worked better than my way. Damn girls, having the advantage of being cute and shit.

Ladesa lead me to our room and shoved me onto my bed, not really caring about the effort she put into it. She was a small woman, but I wasn’t really balanced and I couldn’t have cared much less anyway. When I laid down for the night, I thought of Maud and wondered if she knew where I was, but I was pretty sure that I’d locked eyes with her before starting in on my second drink. I could have been mistaken, but still. I had a little more on my mind to deal with, like how a fucking Demi-Goddess managed to find her way to me out of nowhere. It honestly made no sense to me in the slightest, but it was something I had to figure out. Was Furladra telling me to redeem her daughter, or was she asking me to start the Guild anew in a land ripe for the plucking? I could only pray and hope for an answer, but the Gods only speak so often.

The alcohol helped clear my mind of any deeper thoughts, and for that, I was thankful. With a bleary mind and an uneasy stomach, I drifted off into restless slumber.

Author's Note

Ah, the song was fun to alter for this one. Just a little tweaking and you get a masterpiece for the ages, yeah?

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Nine: Divine Intervention

Chapter Nine: Divine Intervention

On one hand, I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking with a strange woman that I’d never technically met, but on the other hand, waking up to Maud dragging me out of bed… Well, there’s no upside to that. She was a little upset that I was in a different room with a different woman, but when Ladesa cleared things up by saying that we were just Varas and that we couldn’t really form a relationship, Maud let me go and climbed into bed with me, which should have made my relationship with Ladesa even more obvious because we were sleeping in different beds, but it’s fine. It’s not like we were both sleeping in damn-near full kit anyway.

Fucking women sometimes, Bruv.

So after a decent nap with Maud, Ladesa woke me up by saying, “Gauche? Gauche, get your arse up, Bruvva. We got company, and it’s the Griffins from last night.”

I sat up in bed and Maud stayed down, trying to catch up on the sleep she’d missed out on. I don’t exactly drink a lot, so instead of waking up hungover, I woke up a little drunk. “Gotcha. I’m guessin’ Maud got her rock collection, so-”

“Wait, you mean your woman has a collection of rocks?” Ladesa asked, the concept sounding odd to her, apparently.

“My collection is fantastic.” Maud mumbled.

“What?” My usual Demi-Goddess of choice asked.

“She said her collection is fantastic, and it honestly is. Still, we’ve gotta get a move on, Lover. Shit ain’t lookin’ the best for us right now.” I replied for my sweetheart.

“Lemme go and grab those ladies then. You know they talk some kinda funny, right? There’s one with a weird accent that sounds kinda country-Araluen, but not quite.”

“Yeah, that’ll be Applejack. Be careful to not mention anything Guild related to her. Or any of them for that matter. Hæl, just keep it quiet as long as it pertains to anything Daywalker, because our tickets to a land of plenty are some Goody-Goody’s if I’ve ever met one.”

“... Fuckin’... Ugh, Daywalkers.” Ladesa rolled her eyes.

Maud grabbed my arm and sat up next to me. “Am I a Daywalker?”

“Oh Hæl no. No, you’re a Grit to be sure.” I chuckled.

“What? You’re courting a Grit? What kind of women are you into, Gauche?” Ladesa asked amusedly. “You know, Flint came to port one day and the Varas around the Guild got together to talk about you. She complimented you on your first time-” Ladesa broke out into giggles.

I gave her a weary look. “I’ll kick your arse, Demi-Goddess or not.”

“Oh, come on, Bruvva, take it easy.” Ladesa tittered. “It was all good for the most part, though she said that you weren’t very fond of her chest.”

“We are ending this conversation here.” Maud announced groggily, though still in monotone. “I do not wish to hear of my boyfriend’s past lovers.”

“And I don’t really want to talk about them in anything other than passing, so the motion is seconded. Let’s go get food.” I agreed agreeably, trying to grab a nibble.

Ladesa chuckled some more. “Ah, the life of a man trying to settle down. You know, we should probably be putting another Guild together since we have a couple of Varas here right now. It wouldn’t be a bad idea with you taking the spot as the leader since you’ve been groomed enough for the task.”

“True, but that’s not how I want to roll right now, so we’re tabling the idea for the time being. Food first, Guild later.” I thought about it for a second. “And we have people waiting on us. No time to waste, or something like that.”

I got Maud up and moving soon after that, and thanks to Maud, we had clothes to change into, though there wasn’t much for Ladesa to do other than marvel at the odd fashions that were evidently prevalent in the world. She mentioned that she liked the risque nature of Maud’s chosen attire for the day before she saw what the three Daywalkers were wearing, and even she had to blush, despite being about eight hundred to a thousand years old. Applejack’s breeches (Or trousers. Whatever.) were cut off around mid-thigh and showed off a lot of fur in her glamour, and Pinkies ‘skort’ was even shorter. However, Twilight’s skirt covered more, but she wasn’t wearing anything under it to stop people from looking at her knickers if they so chose, which was a question answered after Ladesa practically had a heart attack over seeing how these women dressed. In a land devoid of petticoats, it was something I should’ve been waiting on.

While we were planning our escape to Equestria via Teleportation Station, Ladesa asked if she could have a few words with me and I had few reasons to tell her no, so I let the youthful Demi-Goddess take me to another table for a chat. “Gauche, how many of these women have you slept with? And be honest, you lecher!”

“I’ve only been with Maud, and that’s not changing until she gets rid of me for some reason or the other.” I said pointedly. “Just because they dress like Fancies and Streetwalkers doesn’t mean that I partake. I’m telling you that it’s normal for women to dress like whores here. Men too, if some of the ‘shorts’ I’ve seen are anything to go by.” I shook my head and sipped my coffee. There wasn’t any honey to be had, so I just had to make due.

“... You mean the men around here wear stuff as revealing as that?” Ladesa asked with an odd edge to her voice.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, you lecher.” I droned.

She blushed brightly. “Shut up. Everyone knows that men are all horndogs.”

“What did Flint have to say about that?” I asked confidently.

“... Well, she said you weren’t botherin’ her constantly for sex, but she did mention that you got a little clingy before she gave you a look one time. If I’m remembering right, she said she only had to give you the look to make you go back to climbin’ shit and being less of a nuisance and more of a free-spirit.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t trying to nail her every five seconds just because she was willing to do it once. What does the Guild always say about blanket statements?”

“‘All blanket statements are dumb.’.” She grumbled.

“Exactly.” I deadpanned. “How old are you again?”

“I’m frozen at eighteen. I get older, but I don’t really age, y’know? It’s just everlasting youth and all that.”

“A lot of people would trade you in a heartbeat.” I smirked at her.

“Those people aren’t this old.” Ladesa sighed and sipped her coffee before making a face. “Pure robusta. There’s no Flistica in this at all.”

“I know, but I’ve been drinking robusta for years. The juice does its job better when it tastes like shit.”

“Leather-tongued brute.”

“Heavy-footed loon.”

“I do not have a heavy foot.” Ladesa snapped. “I’ve been in the game for centuries, you child, so-”

“Ladesa, I’m talking about when you stepped on my head.”

“... I’m not heavy.” Ladesa pouted.

“You’re dense. Kinda like gold, but dull like lead.”

“I am not dense, and I am not dull.” She snapped adorably, a blush splaying across her cheeks.
“You are when you’re stepping on people.” I replied drolly.

“You’re an arse beyond butts.”

“Shut up, Gingy. I’ll put you in a kettle with leaves and drink you black with no sugar.”

Ladesa glared at me and left her tankard of coffee behind as she went to rejoin the girls. I used her coffee to top off mine, but she’d dumped a bunch of sugar into hers to make it drinkable rather than enjoying it for what it was like an adult. When I came back to the girls, Applejack asked to have a word with me, and after she got a refill for her own coffee, we grabbed another table and started our conversation out in one of the most tense situations I’d found myself in with the predominantly harmless trio.

“Gauche, I need ta ask ya somethin’, and I need ya ta be honest.” Applejack said softly, casting a furtive glance to the others.

“Ask away.” I said cautiously.

“Have ya ever killed another pony? Or should I say ‘person’?” She asked, though she sounded unsure about her use of ‘person’ as a word for people. It was weird.

“... To be honest with you, yes.” I said earnestly.

“... Why did ya?” She inquired more softly than before.

I cherry-picked an event and let it roll. “I killed Prince Sectus because he severely injured one of my friends, he was a part of a horrid regime that crushes people under its foot, has fathered a ludicrous number of illegitimate children he refuses to claim, and he was just a horrorshow all to himself. It was a choice I made to protect more people from getting stepped on by him. Or raped. Fellow was legendarily fond of that sin.” I sipped my coffee casually.

“So ya were tryin’ ta do some good, but ya did it by doin’ evil.” Applejack said, her voice turning hard.

“I wouldn’t kill someone over nothing, Applejack. It’s not who I am.”

“But who are you, Gauche? Because I see a lot of shade under your tree, and the fruit you’re bearin’ seems awful poisonous.”

I shrugged. “I’m a good guy who sometimes does bad things for the sake of doing good things. I’m not perfect, nor do I pretend to be.”

“... Gauche, can I ask ya somethin’ else?”

“I say yes with hesitation.” I answered.

She gave me an odd look, but soldiered on nonetheless. “What do ya want with Twilight?”

“... I want to know that she’s okay.” I said softly, glimpsing Twilight’s peek at us.

“She’s done just fine without ya for jus’ about twenty years. What makes ya think she needs ya?”

“Nothing, Applejack. Nothing makes me think she’ll need me, and I know I’ll only be trouble for her, but I want the girl happy. I don’t really know why, but I have my suspicions, and they make me want a drink.” I ended with a dark grumble.

“What are some of your suspicions?”

“Main one is that she reminds me of my little sister, long gone. Don’t want to see someone like her get hurt. One of the little ones is that she’s too naive to not have someone looking out for her, and another is that Twilight’s special. It’s not hard to tell that she’s a one in a million.”

“... What do ya think makes her special?” Applejack asked, skepticism evident in her voice.

I shrugged and spread my hands. “She just is. I can feel it in my gut, and my gut rarely steers me wrong. It’d be another thing entirely if I just thought she was special, but no. The woman makes my stomach feel cool and fuzzy whenever I’m around her, so she’s something else, I just haven't figured out what.”

The Pony in Griffin’s clothing narrowed her eyes at me. “So why do ya want her so bad?”

“I don’t want Twilight in any other form than as a friend.” I replied coolly.

“... You’re tellin’ the truth, but I’m havin’ a hard time believin’ ya.”

I shrugged. “Believe what you will, just don’t tell Twilight that I’m a killer. I don’t think she’ll be too happy to find that out.”

“Why shouldn’t I tell her about the guy she’s tryin’ ta take to Equestria?” Applejack challenged.

“Because me actually going is gonna ride on Twilight not believing that I’m a homicidal maniac with a penchant for being nice on occasion. I’d rather have her know that I’m a decent guy with some shady tendencies that don’t amount to much, y’know?”

“No, but somethin’s tellin’ me to let it go.” Applejack sighed. “I don’t get you, Gauche. You or whatever it is that you’re doin’.”

“I’m not doing anything right now, Lover. All’s well in Minosia as far as my business goes, and once we get our plan mapped out, we’ll be ready to go.” I heard someone bouncing along toward us and saw Pinkie heading our way.

“Always wondered how that girl knew a conversation was over.” Applejack mused before turning back to me. “I’ll keep your secrets for the time bein’, but if Twilight asks, I want ya to be honest with her.”

I nodded. “I won’t lie to her, but I probably won’t tell her the whole truth unless she does a good job of digging for it. I’m not exactly open, you know.”

Applejack raised a hand and Pinkie stopped her advance. “Ya’ve been pretty open with me.”

I snorted and gave her a look. “I know a lie-detector when I see one, Lover. Something tells me that bullshitting you would get my relationship with Twilight fucked up faster than I could imagine.”

She rolled her eyes and stood. “You might have a point if Twilight ever actually listened to me. I didn’t even want to come here.” Applejack shook her head and passed Pinkie on her way over.

Pinkie sat down with a big smile on her face and started speaking before I could get a proper greeting out. “So why are you with Maud?”

“She’s pretty great. She’s tough, cute, smart, and all ‘round huggably fun to be with. She’s a little handsy every once in awhile and she likes to be a little too close at most times, but I can deal with it.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her smile fading piece by piece. “What’s the real reason?”

“She’s dangerous. A real femme fatale, but with a soft spot for me. She’s right up my alley.” I sighed. “Maud’s a real piece of work, but I can’t help falling for her every time she lets that little smile slip, or when she quips at me and shows off her witty side. Your sister is a catch for the right kind of guy, and I’m hoping I’m the right kind of guy.”

Pinkie smile again, but there was a light in her eyes that made me wary of her. “That’s a really good answer! I know your business is really sketchy and bloody, but it’s nice to know that somepony’s looking out for Maudileena when she needs it!”

I nodded. “I’ll have her back until the day she doesn’t want me to watch with her any more.”

“I hope you two stay together for as long as it takes for you to start loving rocks!”

“I like the shiny ones that sell well.” I offered.

Pinkie rolled her eyes and sipped her drink, which was milk because no one wanted her to have coffee. Maud made sure that there were no arguments. “You’re a treat! I like you!”

“I like you too, Pinkie. You’re a pleasant influence.”

“Here’s hoping my bubbliness can overrule your murdery-ness and we can make Maud follow your lead!”

I stopped smiling. “So you know more about our business than your friends?”

“I know a lot of things I shouldn’t.” She giggled. “Perks of being Pinkie.” Said woman gave me a conspicuous wink and I was tempted to never talk to her again.

“Right. Wanna go back and plan the escape, or…?”

“It’s already planned! Everypony wants to leave now, and I’m saying that we should because now’s the best time to go since we’re gonna take forever! Let’s get a move on, shall we?”

I gave her a nod. “Let’s.”

❖☬❖

With Gauche and his gang getting their shit together, I turned my attention toward the guy who was burning a shot of bourbon to get my attention while he was trying not to get iced by a Manticore that had been following him for some time now. I didn’t choose to drop Jay off in the Everfree, but the guy should’ve known better than to try to make his escape from eternal love in a murder forest. Still, the idea had been alright at the time since no one could have tracked him and what not, but now he was running low on ammo and he didn’t have the Magic to make more bullets with his portable Transmutation Circle. For being a decently powered Magic user, Jay was relying pretty heavily on the weapons he’d made for himself when he had time, but the guy didn’t know how to use a sword at all, and as the Manticore closed in on him, it became evident after seconds that my guy was about to get himself killed, so I made the big beastie lose interest before it could climb Jay’s tree and shifted myself to his branch for a chat.

“Wotcher, Mate. I see we’re just hanging around.” I quipped flippantly.

Jay gave me a look. “You know that this is utter bullshit, right? Why am I not out of this shit yet?”

I shrugged. “You’re the one who put yourself into a magical nexus, Mate. You walk into the Everfree, chances are that you’re not walking out of your Everfree. Hell, I was fucking lucky to find two anchor points in one day, but that’s a story for another book.”

He gave me a suspicious look. “... I’m not in Arcadia’s Everfree, am I?”

“Nope. You’re in Equestria’s.”

“Aren’t you from Equestria?” Jay asked.

“Different Equestria, same concept. You’ll be happy to note that I’m just going to drag you out of here, in other news, so get your shit together and pour me another shot, will you?”

Jay handed me the bottle with a grimace before rubbing his lacerated shoulder. “Wouldn’t mind doin’ a patch up, would ya? Shit hurts, man.”

I snapped and he was good while I took a double shot for being nice. When I was done, I sighed happily. “That cost you another shot, but I don’t think you care. Wanna get out of here and meet a new version of Fluttershy?”

“... Is she like my Fluttershy?” He asked nervously, though he didn’t let it show. God privileges and all that.

“She is, but she won’t love you just because you’re nice to her for a few sentences. You really did like the shy Cuddle Critter you had, didn’t you?”

He grimaced. “I miss her daily, bein’ straight with it. Real shit? I coulda seen myself asking you to let me have kids with Fluttershy, but I doubt we coulda got to that point because of the undead thing.”

“Yeah, dying makes you super sterile, my friend. Learned that one myself, but on Equus, Ponies were obvious some fuckable people since a lot of them were good- Ow!” I got slapped by Roxy for that because of pervert reasons.

Jay gave me a look. “Pissin’ off the wrong people?”

I rolled my eyes. “What else is new? Even when you’re God, you still answer to your spouse. Or spouses.”

He chuckled at that and took his sunglasses off long enough to rub his eyes. When we traded looks, the stark white irises lined and centered with pitch black stared back at me and I knew that Jay was searching for an answer within my eyes. Even when we were trying to make light of a situation, things were a little tense. “Max, where am I? Honestly, where am I at?

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Solstice Circle, planet Equis, and as I said earlier, the Everfree forest. Walk for a couple hours and the forest will guide you out.”

“With or without company?” He asked coldly.

“They’ll be carrying fruits courtesy of the Matron, a woman named Verdandi. She’s a friend of mine, so don’t worry about her poisoning you or something.” I answered warmly, winning the temperature battle.

Jameson sighed and gave me a frustrated look. “You let me wander in this sumbitch for how long before you decided to show up?”

“I had to wait for something to open up for you.” I shrugged. “Otherwise you were just some jackass who walked into the Everfree without the connections to get out. Nothing personal, Mate, just the rules of the forest.”

“Fuck you.” He groaned. “Fucking cuck.”

I chuckled. “I could always skip the part where I send you off with food.”

“You could, but you won’t.” He guessed correctly. “You’re a prick, but you’re not a fucking asshole, Dude.”

I tossed him a chocolate bar and made one for myself. “I generally try not to be. If you were really fucked, I would’ve stepped in anyway. I’ve asked Fate to look away for a little bit, so I’m doing a little knot-tying and admittedly jury-rigging a few things to see if I can get it to play out nicely.” I took a bite of mine and chewed for a few moments, enjoying the flavour of decent candy. “I honestly don’t know how it’s all going to work out since I’m not allowed to look into the future, but still. It’s all going to amount to something though. Everything amounts to something.”

He took a bite of his candy and savoured it since it had been a couple of weeks since he’d had a meal that he hadn’t had to kill one way or another. “Guess you could say that… How’s he doing?”

“Resting in peace.” I answered softly.

“Damn. Damn, that was fuckin’ quick.” Jay breathed.

“Time’s been moving while you’ve been gone. Ty died six months ago on Arcadia, and you’ve been gone for a little over a year now.”

“... Guess life doesn’t really revolve around one n*gga, does it?” Jay murmured.

“Don’t degrade yourself like that, Jameson. You cut out when the future looked darker than it ever has, and you tried to make something of it. It takes a man to leave everything he built when there’s nothing left for him.”

He shook his head. “You just hated him, didn’t you?”

“If I was more of a hands on kinda guy, I woulda just killed him myself. He used you like he used me, so don’t feel bad about his passing, Jay. Just get to Ponyville and ask for Fluttershy. Tell her, word for word, ‘I see you and through you, sister. Help me.’, and she’ll open a dialogue option since you’ll have the keyphrase for the flag to raise.”

Jay gave me a fucked up look. “What the fuck was that last part? Are you talking about a fuckin’ dating sim?”

I cleared my throat, letting my cheeks pink up a bit. “I mean, yeah, kinda. How you roll from there is up to you, but I can tell you now that she’s looking for a man, and if you’re willing to work with her and what she needs like you were with the other Fluttershy…” I trailed off and spread my hands. “I mean, she’ll be different from your Fluttershy since the alternate personality changes with the exact venom dosage she gets the first time around, but trust me when I say that you’ll at least like her. She’s a very likeable woman, and she’s got the most kissable lips you’ve ever snogged if you can get that far.”

Jay took his glasses off again and looked at me for a moment, the forest canopy allowing him to see without being immediately blinded. “What’s your angle, Max? Why push me toward Fluttershy after taking me from her?”

“I just want you happy, and I’m trying to make that happen while I sort a lot of other stuff out. It’ll be a work in progress, but still.”

“Got a blunt?”

I produced one and got it started. “I was always more of a bong guy, but the coconut on this one ought to make you smile.”

Jay smirked and accepted the pass. “Always did love a good pina colada… Yo, you’re not making me a Chosen or something, are you?”

I chuckled. “No, not quite. You’re just a guy with blessings right now, Jay, and it’s going to be up to you as to how you use them. I just want to ask one thing of you.”

“Lemme keep this and I’ll think about it.” Jay waved the married-iguana stick.

I made four more and gave them to him in a baggie. “Should get you through your walk if you don’t stop to smoke. Mind if I go ahead and ask?”

“Shoot, Bruh. You know I’m listenin’.”
“As a friend, I want you to help Garrison Varas. Tell him that you’re a tinkerer and that a friend wants you to check his gear out. Don’t tell him my name, but tell him that you have to do one thing.” I looked at Jay’s face to see if he was still following along.

“Keep going. You know you’ve got my semi-undivided attention.”

I nodded and carried on .”He’ll have a set of wrist blades, not unlike the ones from that assassin based game you played forever ago. I know you remember it.” Jay nodded. “If he tells you that you can’t see any of his shit, tell him that you need to see the blades and the Seal on his chest so you can fulfill your part of the contract, as per Hermes’ wish.”

“Can do, Dude. You want me to scratch it out in blood or something?”

“Nah, just do what you can. Hell, don’t even go word for word and you should be fine.”

Jay nodded and picked himself up before squatting low on the branch. “Need anything else?”

“Want me to make you perceive time differently so you can get out of the forest faster?”

“Bitchin’. Let’s do that.”

“Radical.” I snapped my fingers, and thus pointed Jay out of the forest. I shifted him out of the tree to save him some trouble, and ass he walked along, animals carrying various fruits came along beside him, but we both knew that none of the fruits would be tastier than the animals themselves. We had different reasons and different levels of cooked that we’d want them, namely he’d want his steak as rare as was edible and I’d want mine literally burnt into ash. Sacrifices always taste better that way, you know.

I watched Jay as he walked along, and even as the Sun set and the Moon rose, he didn’t let himself falter, despite being exhausted from being chased for another full day. His endurance had already improved, but the guy just wasn’t meant for a marathon, so I advised him to take a break, and while he was doing the napping of a lifetime in a hammock I dropped off for him, I was in Applejack’s ear. She was walking along with her friends while the three sketchiest people she’d ever met trailed behind them at a decent pace, watching their every move. My Favoured was feeling rather creeped out since she knew at least one of them was watching her at any given moment, but after a cutpurse had come and bumped into her before being caught by Garrison, she was grateful for their watchful eyes because it had saved her fifty bits.

‘Useful people, those lot. Maybe they ain’t so bad…’ Applejack thought idly when Gauche returned her money to her. He’d given the young Cat something in return, but she didn’t know what it was, and that made her want to ask.

‘Just do it.’ I whispered, making her jump slightly.

‘Max? Should I really?’

‘Like I said; just do it.’ I didn’t Labeouf her or anything. Kept it nice and mild, I did.

Applejack frowned and turned slightly to see Gauche out of the corner of her eye. “Hey Gauche?”

“Yeah?” He called back.

“What’d ya give that little Cat back there?”

“A couple drachs. Figured he wouldn’t have gotten much from you anyway, so I padded his pockets. Hopefully it keeps him fed for a little while.” Gauche replied truthfully.

Applejack nodded while Twilight squealed. “Aww, Gauche! That was a very nice thing to do, even if you did just encourage thieving by accident.”

“No, he encouraged bad thieving, which is dumb. The little bugger should’ve made off clean with what he had instead of tryin’ to pull a double.” Ladesa scoffed.

Gauche elbowed her and Applejack narrowed her eyes at the sketchy looking, pixie-cut having woman. Pixie cuts on Mares always meant trouble in Applejack’s books because she likes stereotyping. “So you’re sayin’ Gauche shouldn’ta caught him?”

Ladesa shrugged. “I know Gauche has spent a few nights hungry. Don’t see why he has to be such a- Ow! Stop!” She shoved him.

Maud glared at Ladesa. “Keep your hands off of my Stallion.”

“Tell your ‘Stallion’ to keep his elbows outta my ribs! I’m not exactly padded around there you know!” Ladesa huffed petulantly.

“Stop saying things that make you sound like a terrible person like you’re talking about the weather and I’ll consider it.” Gauche replied blandly.

“Butthead.” Ladesa muttered adorably, making Applejack give her a look.

“Act your age, Sugarcube.” The farm girl said admonishingly.

Ladesa coloured and jabbed a finger at Applejack. “Don’t think you’re hot shit just because you’re stacked, you beaked freak.”

AJ raised a brow at that and saw how upset she was, almost forgetting that she still looked like a Gryphon to everyone other than herself. “I ain’t pickin’ on ya, Ladesa, if that’s what ya think I meant. I’m just sayin’-”

Ladesa flipped her off. “Cram it, floozy.”

Twilight gasped and turned around, officially stopping the group. “You take that back, Missy! There’s no reason to be saying stuff like that!”

Applejack watched as Gauche murmured something to Ladesa and they huddled together for a moment before turning back around. Ladesa shoved something into her pocket which made Applejack suspicious, but then she said, “Alright. Applejack, I’m sorry I called you a floozy. Are we good?”

“Did Gauche make ya say that?” My Favoured deadpanned.

“Bribes are fair play.” Maud said flatly.

“Can we get moving before our window closes? Shouldn't we be close by now anyway?” Garrison asked, clearly irritated by the goings on of the people making his life more difficult.

Twilight glared at Ladesa. “It’s not my fault that you’re in Minosia. One more comment like that and you can stay behind and make friends here!”

Ladesa went to say something back, but at Gauche’s gesture, she backed down. “The message is clear, Twilight. Let’s get going.” He said.

Twilight nodded and let it go because she was dumb like that, but Applejack and Ladesa locked eyes and traded glares for all of two seconds before Ladesa blew a kiss at her adversarial ally. ‘What the hay?’ Applejack thought to herself.

‘Catch it!’ I urged her. ‘Apply directly to your forehead and watch!’

Applejack complied and smacked the heel of her hand against her forehead and Ladesa turned a bright, cherry red that had me laughing my arse off since Applejack didn’t know that she’d just told the Demi-Goddess that she’d ‘think about it’. It was fucking great and Applejack thought she got the last laugh on Ladesa, which was true in a way.

❖☬❖

Keeping my traveling companions on task was hard because they were all fucking women. You know what I’ve never had trouble doing? Traveling with men. We shove crap into a bag, usually need it, and let luck worry about the rest of it depending on the situation, but women? We damn near stopped to argue every couple of blocks once we got into the city, though most of the time we were able to walk and talk. It didn’t help that Ladesa was a little hands-on with me since we were both Varas, which I tried to explain to Maud. It was just the way Varas are since there are so few, and I likened my relationship to Ladesa to being something like having a cousin who I’ve never seen. It just wasn’t priority to try and get into her pants, and since she was Furladra’s daughter, I was pretty sure that she wasn’t allowed to take a suitor anyway, not that I wanted to ask.

After we finally got to the Teleportation Station, the girls waited until Maud took them to a restroom to change their disguises, and while they were doing that, Ladesa and I were filing for something called a ‘Transfer Pass’, which was basically a passport or something of the sort since we weren’t born on the planet, let alone in Minosia. All we had to do was answer a few basic questions, but we got split up for the ordeal and my bout of questioning nearly went south as soon as they took me into the room with the arcane lie detector. I knew I was about to be fucked, so I started tying strings together and solidifying a story that would be plausible before the questioning started.

Instead of a Minotaur, there was a Pony filling the position of Customs Admissor, and she was definitely a hard nut to crack. From the first words out of her mouth, I knew I was going to have to play my cards right. “So, Mr. Garrison Varas. Tell me. How did you get to Minosia?” She asked, her tone full of cynicism and spite already.

“It was a magical accident. One moment I was making my way down a brick and mortar alley, the next thing I know I’m stepping on the Unicorn who brought me to this world.” I answered confidently.

“Where are you from?”

“A world called Terra, and a country called Avalesce.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why were you brought here?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t the foggiest, to be honest with you. I just know that everything I knew is gone.”

Her expression eased slightly, but not by much. “You have my condolences. Have you committed any crimes while you’ve been in Minosia?”

“Yes. I set fire to an underground restaurant called ‘A Taste of Evil’ and killed a few of the employees. Keep in mind that my actions were assured to be justified by a guard under the Iron Crown.”

The Admissor blinked at me. “... You’re the one who burned up that pit of evil?”

“I am.”

She narrowed her eyes at me again. “What do you know of Bite-Back?”

“I know that they’re international and that they’re dangerous, though none more so than Odysseus. I’ve seen that psychopath in action myself, and he’s given me a few memories I’d rather not have. I am no friend of his.”

Her brows came up and she nodded a few times. “I see. What do you know of Kerrick?”

“I know the name, but not much else.” It was true. Kerrick had never made the time to come and visit me, and I hadn’t felt like seeing him specifically anyway. Maud handled my admission, and Odysseus was usually the one who gave me missions.

“Why do you know so much about Back-Bite?” She asked sharply.

“Is it Bite-Back or Back-Bite?” I asked, confused.

She nodded again. “What would you know of the death of Prince Sectus?”

“Well, I now know that he’s dead, and that’s not good news right now.”

The Mare gave me a bewildered look, the gem in her forehead glowing slightly. “Why not?”

“That’s gotta mean that people aren’t getting out of Minosia, right? I mean, I’m not a native to Equestria, so I can’t really say that I have stuff I need to attend to at home. My herd and sister might be cleared to go, but I might not be, and that’s a little worrying.” I frowned deeply and ran my tongue over my teeth.

The woman leaned forward and stared at me. “Why do you want to leave Minosia so badly?”

“This place is dangerous. I don’t want my herd here since they can’t take care of themselves, and I don’t want my sister here because she’s a troublemaker type and there’s an awful lot of trouble to get into here. It doesn’t really help that I don’t feel bad about killing the guys from A Taste of Evil either. I mean, Minosia is turning me into something I don’t want to be, and Equestria feels like a second chance at being a half decent thingy.” I pursed my lips off to the side as the lady’s smile went from wry to warm.

“You’re either an excellent liar, or you’re the perfect candidate for the Equestrian Rangers. What do you say, Garrison? Why don’t you help protect a land full of happiness from those that would destroy it?” The Mare used honeyed inflections that made my ears hurt since I knew without my gut even having to make a peep that I was being given a cold, hard choice.

If I went to Equestria without agreeing to be a Ranger, then I didn’t doubt that I was going to be some kind of blacklisted, or that there would be a hex of some sort cast upon me that would identify me as an outsider. If that sounds like I’m being paranoid, then think about it: Equestria gets nothing from letting a known killer into their lands. They get a vigilante at best, so what’s the natural thing to do when you have a country made up of skittish Mouse-Men and naive children that happen to be about grown-up sizes? You use the killers you get from the outside, and bring them inside to make them play by your rules. It was a classic trick that the Avalesch Guard used rarely enough when vigilantes were caught since the occasional rising star might happen to be a better shot with a crossbow than any other Bobble.

On the other hand, if I went to Equestria and was trained with a bow, then not only would I be securing a solid job that I could probably do dirt on the side with, but I would be adding even more Human Capital to my coffers, and that’s some of the most valuable shit to have. I was already to hitting-the-broad-side-of-a-barn levels of good with a bow, but what I lacked in finesse I could pick up from a good teacher and repetition. However, the main drawback of the whole thing would be that I’d literally be living a double life with the Golden Crown on one side and Bite-Back on the other. Living with my loyalties divided sounded like a terrible way to live, but if I wanted to continue being able to provide for Furladra to keep my oaths, I needed to have access to a ready market, and Bite-Back was always buying.

I thought as quickly as I could and came to a question. “What happens if I say no?”

“Why would you? That could ruin everything for you.” She said pleasantly. “Why, most jobs in Equestria get filled by Ponies with Cutie Marks in related fields, which generally means they’re the best at what they do. Can you contend with somepony who was born to do their job?”

“Is someone born to be a Ranger?”

“Yes! You!”

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” I deadpanned.

“Not if you want to go to Equestria.” She said, her face falling flat once more. “Trust me, if you weren’t such a perfect candidate for the Rangers, I wouldn’t mind calling the guard and telling them that an enemy of Bite-Back is here.”

“Here’s hoping I get to be a good shot quick enough to get this target off my back.” I snorted.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “I know you’re tied to Bite-Back somehow, but you’re a slippery one. What does Bite-Back want with Equestria?”

“I’m trying to distance myself from the crazy, Lover. Not figure out why it is what it is.” I rolled my eyes.

“So you admit it!” She cried, standing up and slamming her hands on the table..

I gave her a look after starting. She spooked me a bit since I didn’t bother with the Flash Face. “Heya, fuckin’ stop. Control yourself.” She gave me a fucked up look, so I continued. “Look, I’m not a part of Bite-Back. I never have been, alright? The name ‘Garrison’ gets around amongst Mares and the odd Mollyhen, but beyond that? I don’t like being associated with rebels.”

“... The truth spell says you’re not lying, but my gut is telling me that you’re full of shit.” She groused, rubbing her temples.

“Am I seriously that shady? I mean, is it the outfit? Does my face just make me look like I’m not being honest? For fuck’s sake, you’re not even the first person today to say something like that!”

The still unnamed woman gave me a sharp look. “Wait here. I’ll be back with a Ranger pamphlet as well as your pass. Just know that one you slip the ring on, it will not come off until you’re either an official citizen or you’ve completed your Ranger Training and have gone on at least ten assignments. Whichever comes first.” She shrugged.

I had to bite back a chuckle at that since Twilight had promised me citizenship during the walk, though Ladesa was owed nothing and was going to receive nothing, so I was going to have to find a way to make her a legal citizen too so she didn’t fuck up and get herself deported or something. While the woman was away, I started to worry about Ladesa and hoped that Furladra hadn’t truly left her daughter flying blind, because Ladesa was honestly a bit of a hot-head and she seriously needed to learn when not to talk about things. Not even just ‘business’ stuff, just things.

When the woman did return, she handed me a small book with covers that were made of some wood and bound by cloth and flax. It was a nice little book and the pages seemed to have been printed and cut, but for the most part, it was a passable thing that I could have a read through without stressing about a time limit. The ring she brought was meant for a thumb, so I offered her the left one since it’d probably make a better base for an arrow that way. After it was on, it shrunk enough to be uncomfortable but not painful before growing slightly to allow some actual movement. The feeling of wearing a thumb ring was odd, though I found that I wasn’t terribly fond of rings in the first place. I still wore one on my right hand in remembrance of Aria, but that’s because necklaces are dangerous.

After a little while longer, I was released with my Transfer Pass/slave ring and met up with the Equestrian girls, but not long after I got to them, Ladesa followed with a wide, mischievous grin. “Heya, guess who just got us on the next Mass-Port to Equestria?”

I didn’t know what that meant, but Twilight did. “Really? That’s so convenient! How did you manage that?”

Ladesa bobbed her head and kept smiling.

“Aw fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this.” I said, not quite mad, but not quite okay with it.

She shut her mouth and her face lit up. “Fuckin’- Garrison! I did not!”

Maud started to get her chuckles in around the same time Applejack stopped being dumbstruck (I assume she made the obvious assumption I made) and started to snicker for herself, so she turned to them. “It’s not funny! I didn’t do anything like that!” A thought crossed my mind and I lined up the shot. “I’ve just got the gift of gab, dammit!” Ladesa protested, loosing the arrow for me.

“More like the gift of gobble.” I shot back.

Ladesa turned to me with a look of absolute betrayal on her face. “Bruv, why!?”

I let Flash Face handle it for me. “Just givin’ ya the business, Raspberry. It’s not meant to be a heart-shot.”

She marched up so me and jammed a finger into my chest before immediately regretting doing that to a guy wearing subtle armor. “Ow… Okay, look. Don’t call a woman a whore unless she is one, ‘kay? ‘Cause it’s just a good way to get kicked in the sack.”

I gave her a hug because I wanted to be as patronizing as possible, but Ladesa hugged back and I knew that it was about more than some sexual harassment, so I let my tongue work its Magic and tried to channel my inner Desmond into my words. “Ladesa… I’m sorry. I know it must seem like I’m picking on you, but this isn’t about some childish words. You feel alone, don’t you?” I added the last part softly so it would stay between us.

She pushed me away and pointed another judicious finger at me, her eyes full of divine fire. “Watch it.”

“I will thank you to-” Maud started before I raised my hands, warding her words off. I also waved off the guard who was coming over with his hand on his bludgeon, but he didn’t go away and just stayed back.

“Raspberry, if you wanna Guild again, then you need to trust me like you trusted Desmond. Maybe more since we’re starting from nothing. I don’t know if being surrounded by like-minded people makes you feel any better because, for some time, it just made me feel more miserable, but I’m not you. I don’t know how to help you as a fellow Guild Member and as a Varas if you won’t communicate with me.”

She pouted and looked away from me. “Stop lecturin’ me like you’re my Da’ or somethin’” She grumbled under her breath. Bitch, are you serious?

I controlled myself like an adult and wrapped shit up because we had to keep it moving. “Okay, I’m sorry for taking a shot at you, and don’t wait for me to ask if you’re alright, okay? I will, but I can’t do jack shit if ya don’t lemme do my thing.”

Ladesa faced me with her blazing irises, not unlike fire caught in amber, taking a step closer. “Miksi sinä välität? (Why do you care?)”

I matched her with my own mottled green eyes. “Olet varas, ja varkaat huolehtivat omasta. (You’re a Varas, and Varas take care of their own.)

It was apparently a good day for women to glare at me with scrutiny (Yes, I made that rhyme. Sue me.) because Ladesa was doing it again. “Haluatko minun perseeni? (Do you want my arse?)”

I gave her the most ‘You should be fucking ashamed for even asking that’ look I could conjure up. “En ole ihastunut muinaisiin teini-ikäisiin. Pidän naisista. (I’m not fond of ancient teenagers. I like women.)” I said brutally.

“Kusipää!” She blurted harshly.

I gave her a smile. “How ya feelin’?”

“Like I should get you away from your lover and drop you off a cliff.” Ladesa huffed.

“Were y’all even speakin’ Equish?” Applejack asked confusedly.

“Not for all of it, no.” I answered. “It was a private conversation anyway.”

“What language was that!? Can you teach it to me?” Twilight asked.

“It was Varic and no. It’s a language that’s only known by a handful of people back on Terra, and it’s why I trust Ladesa with my life.”

“Don’t you trust me with your life?” Twilight asked, using a pity angle that I could sweep easily.

“I can’t teach Varic to someone who isn’t a Varas, and I doubt you want to hand over ten pounds of gold and be branded for the honor.” I said drily.

She paled. “What.”

“I gotta agree with Twilight on this one; What.” Applejack repeated.

“You got branded to learn a language?” Twilight inquired incredulously.

I gave her a look. “No, I got branded to show my devotion to Furladra, Ladesa’s mother once estranged twice removed. Can we head to the Tele-Pad soon? I’m eager to try Equestrian food. Are Equestrian parsnips better than Minosian ones?” I asked, aiming my question at Maud.

“Yes.” She Maud-Nodded.

“Sweet. Let’s make chips before I get press-ganged into being a Ranger.” I clapped my hands together and looked around. “Any takers?”

Twilight gave me a funny look. “Why are you being press-ganged into being a Ranger?”

Fuck. Play it smooth. “Apparently I answered some questions the right-wrong way and earned myself a recruitment. Sounds like it’ll be good for me until I find a regular job.” I said as smoothly as could be.

Maud frowned. “I disapprove.”

I shrugged. “It’s the only reason I’m being allowed into Equestria right now. I’m sure Twilight can overturn it, right?”

Twilight shook her head. “I only have the authority to make you a citizen. We’ll have to ask Celestia to release your from that directly.”

“Then we can do that later.” I shrugged. “What about Ladesa?”

Twilight looked at the old woman. “We’ll see, Gauche. I don’t want to make any promises.”

I nodded. “Okay then. Anyone else care to get a move on?”

“Just taking everything in stride, aren’t you?” Twilight said cheerfully.

“No point in letting any of it get to me, Lover. It’ll all play out how it’s supposed to. Fate’s guiding hand pushes us all along.”

“More like Faith’s guiding hand.” Applejack muttered.

That struck me as odd. “Beg pardon, Applejack?”

The alarm on her face was easy to see, even if you weren’t terribly adept with facial expressions. “I-I didn’t say nothin’!”

I narrowed my eyes at her and Twilight waved my worries away. “Oh, she just said that we were being guided by Faith’s hand.”

I gave Twilight my full attention. “Who’s Faith?”

“The guy who sent us here after you! Twilight already really wanted to come, but she couldn't get permission, but then this weird super old guy, and like, I mean su~uper old, told us to come and bring you to Equestria! How old was he again, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh, he’s beyond Eldritch at the levels he talks about. Apparently he was around before any of the countries had their names.” Twilight informed.

“... Okay. Okay, that’s not okay.” I set my Flash Face to interrogation mode. “Twilight, why does this Faith guy want me in Equestria?”

All I garnered for my words was a blank look, like I’d just told a duck that it was going to rain. “Um… We didn’t… Well… I don’t know?” She gave me a sheepish smile.

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through, my hair, turning away from her before coming right back around, making a clutching motion. “I know you’re naive, but are you trying to get me killed here!? I mean seriously! Some ancient fucker that evidently no one knows, comes along and- Fuckin- Luvva please tell me. Please fucking tell me that you didn’t go on an errand for a guy you know nothing about, to a retrieve another guy you know nothing about, because the first guy said he ‘wanted you to’. Please Twilight. Tell me that’s not the case.” I pinched my index fingers to my thumbs like I was imitating a Lasponite and smiled widely at Twilight.

“... Um… Ah-heh-heh…” Twilight touched her index fingers together. “W-Well, he seemed really nice a-and Celestia said it was okay! If Celestia says he’s a good person then he is!”

The levels of stupid nearly got Twilight slapped. “Dear Furladra, you’re trying to sell me to some Dæmon. I should’ve known it was too good to be fuckin’ true.” I got my hop started to run, but Maud grabbed me before I could go anywhere.

“Epidote, perhaps this ‘Faith’ is one of your Gods? If he is Eldritch, then he would most likely have the power to draw you to Equestria himself. Why would he send Twilight and her friends rather coming himself?” Maud reasoned.

“Why does he want me in the first place!?” I nearly shouted.

“I’m with Gauche on this. Shit’s beyond sketching the sketchiest sketch that’s ever been sketched with lead.” Ladesa said nibbling on her thumbnail.

“Faith just wants ta give ya somethin’.” Applejack said softly.

Twilight turned to face her slowly along with the rest of us. “How would you know that?”

Applejack flinched and rubbed her arm. “... I’ve been talkin’ with him every now and again.”

I waited to say anything, but Twilight didn’t need me to do anything; she had it covered. “What do you mean you’ve been talking to Faith? He hasn't exactly come around!”

“Well, he’s been talkin’ ta me telepathically, ya see…” She chuckled nervously.

“What does he want to give me?” I asked less critically than before.

“I dunno. He don’t tell me much.” Applejack seemed rather uncomfortable, but she had plenty of reason to be.

“Why do you seem to trust this guy then? What’s the basis on this one?”

Applejack looked me in the eye, but Twilight said, “Yeah! You were the one who was saying that Faith was totally sketchy before we started the trip, so what’s he told you to make you like him?”

“I dunno if I actually like Faith, but trust me,” She looked at Twilight, then at myself, letting her gaze linger on me, “Faith is the one guy ya can trust more than anypony else. I doubt that my word means much to ya, but Faith is as good as good gets.”

“Doesn’t really sound like Gauche’s type.” Ladesa said, giggling.

I gave her a blank look. “I really will slug you.”

“Come at me, slowpoke.” She huffed.

Before she could get very far, Maud had her over her shoulder. “I have caught her, Epidote. Dole out your punishment.”

“Heya! That’s not fair!” Ladesa objected, trying to make Maud drop her.

My Sweetheart didn’t even flinch at Ladesa’s blows when they came. “A spanking would be nice and humiliating.”

Ladesa stopped. “Okay, look, I’m sorry, okay!? That’s just not necessary!”

Maud looked at me and I shook my head, so she gave her arse a brutal slap that elicited a loup, “Erk!” followed by an “Oi! I apologized!”

Maud went to drop her like a sack of tubers, but I was quick enough to catch her. “Mauble, now you’re just going overboard.”

Maud’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “Are you choosing her over me?”

“No, Maud, but I have an obligation as well as the desire to make sure you don’t fuck up my surrogate sister. You wouldn’t want me messing with Pinkie, would you?”

Twilight scratched her head. “Didn’t you two only meet last night, though?”

“Yeah! You said you two never met!” Pinkie chimed in.

“We haven’t you jackasses.” Ladesa snapped hotly. “We’re bound by the Blood of Furladra. One way or another, we have to get along, and if Miss Psycho Bitch would listen, then she would know that two Varas can’t. Sleep. To-ge-ther. We just can’t. If we tried, someone’s losing a dangler and someone else’s insides fall out, so no. Not. Happening. Besides, Gauche is fine and all-”

“He is more than fine, hussy.” Maud deadpanned.

“He’s not exactly the catch of the day.” Pinkie said bluntly.

“Ow.” I rubbed my chest.

“He is kinda shady. Wouldn’t surprise me none if he was inta some freaky stuff.” Applejack murmured.

“Ow!” I glared at her.

“I can’t say you’re the most handsome Stallion I’ve ever met.” Twilight added in her two shillings.

“Fuckin’ oi!” I flipped each of them off in turn. “The three of you can go fuck yourselves while I figure out whether or not I’m coming to Equestria.”

Applejack raised a hand. “... Um… I just got a little message from Faith… Y’know… If anypony’s interested.”

She had everyone’s attention in moments and carried on. “Ahem. He said to say it word for word, so here it is: ‘Garrison Gadai, you little piece of shit, if you don’t schelp your half-retarded arse to Equestria in the next day, I’m sending you to Hæl, and then I’m giving your soul to Dissida. I don’t give a’, and excuse the language here, but this is him and not me, ‘single flying fuck about how sketchy it is. You get to Equestria and you go to Ponyville, or I will personally beat you for a hundred years. We’ll talk when you get there, and you can even watch while I spank Applejack for not keeping her mouth shut.’. That’s what he said.” Her face was flushed when she finished and she was grinding one of her hooves into the floor.

“... He seriously said that?” Twilight asked.

“Quotin’ him again: ‘Twilight, you’re a sweet girl. Don’t be daft and just do what I bloody told you, yeah?’.”

“... Sounds like Faith got mean.” Ladesa commented idly.

“He said he’d spank you too if ya didn’t zip it until Ponyville.” Applejack grimaced. “I don’t think ya want what I’m gettin’...”

“I don’t think we should bring Gauche back to Equestria if Faith’s going to be an ass about it! We don’t have to let him push us around if we don’t wanna!” Twilight huffed like the woman she was. It was a perfect picture of being difficult in the face of the impossible.

“We don’t have a choice. If Gauche don’t go to Equestria when Faith says he goes, then he doesn’t stay alive, Twi.” Applejack said softly.

“The fuck happened to the goodest of the good bullshit!?” I asked loudly.

“He is, Gauche, it’s just-” Applejack bit her tongue and grimaced. “... That wasn’t an accident. I really can’t say no more than I already have, but I’m tellin’ ya that it’s in your best interest to play along.”

Ladesa tilted her head and closed her eyes. “... Furladra soittaa.”

“Furladra?” I breathed.

“Your Goddess? What of her?” Maud asked quickly.

Ladesa raised a hand. “She’s coming in kinda fuzzy, but she’s saying mene uskossa. Tapaa hänen kanssaan ja vastaanottaa lahjoja. (Go to Faith. Meet him and receive your gifts.)”

“This is coming from Furladra?” I asked.

She nodded. “First time I’ve heard from her since you almost caught the high road to the Nevergreen like what, ten years ago now?.”

“Damn.” I cursed under my breath. “Fucking… Fate’s just being a bitch today, isn’t she?”

“Shut up, you lucky fucker. You’re getting presents from someone who’s probably another God.” Ladesa spat enviously.

“Is there a way I can talk to Furladra? I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust your word, it’s just that this shit is ludicrous.” I said, folding my hands together.

Ladesa shrugged. “It’s up to her, Bruvva.”

I reached inside my armour, under my shirt, and touched the scar that I’d earned for my devout following of the woman I was trying to talk to. “Furladra? Could I have a word? I-If you’re not busy or something like that.”

There was silence after I said that, but that in and of itself was odd. The Teleportation Station had a constant buzz about it that was a little deafening, but wasn’t too bad, but then the sounds faded away into nothing. I looked around as my vision faded and Maud grabbed my arm, her face being the last thing I saw before my senses failed me completely. However, closing my eyes and reopening them had me looking at one of, if not the most, beautiful women I’d ever seen. Her hair was raven black, and her eyes a bright, enchanting green, straight off of the Guild’s flag. Her skin was as fair as snow, giving her the appearance of a vampire from the legends with how ghostly she was, but it just added to her near ethereal beauty, her blood-freezing elegance. I looked to her lips and saw that they were plump and stained a deep, rosy red that stood out just that much more against her pale features. She had an obviously Avalesch nose, and if the eyes hadn’t given it away, the slight bump in the bridge would have done so shortly after. If I didn’t know in my heart that Maud’s heart would be broken, I would’ve dropped everything and offered my soul to the woman in front of me.

After all, I owed it to her.

“Mistress?” I breathed, barely above a whisper.

Furladra gave me a sultry smile and sashayed over to me, closing the negligible distance between us before wrapping her arms around my neck. “Wotcher, Sweetlove. How are we doing today?”

I blinked a few times, trying to shove the heretical thoughts down to the bottom of the sea. “Um… Doing well. Doin’ well… So… Hi there.”

Her smile grew and she pecked me on the cheek; more than enough to set my face alight. “Oh come on, Sweetlove. You can do better than that.”

“Mistress, I’m-”

“Call me Furry or Ladra. You’ve more than earned the honor, Lover-Boy.”

“... I’m sorry, but pure, unadulterated heresy is running through my mind right now.” I said blankly.
Furladra, the woman I’d worshipped since I was a boy, even more so than Sinthia, swayed us from side to side. “Garrison, you wanna know something?”

“If you’re saying it’s important, it probably is.” I replied dumbly.

She chuckled. “You just get cuter by the second! No, Sweetlove. I want to tell you that no one offers up their best loot when they give me my share. No one. Not even Desmond.”

My jaw set and I spoke through gritted teeth. “Fuckin’ seriously?”

‘Ladra’ rolled her eyes. “There’s a whole lot of nothing that you can do about it now, Lover-Boy, so save the righteous fury for someone you can take it out on. No, my loyal friend, you are the only person who ever gave me what I asked for. When you became a Gadai at twelve, the youngest there’s ever been, you accepted the rules and you played by them. You never hid anything from me, even if your faith in the Gods was weak. You always gave me your best baubles, so I gave you the blessing that all of my followers can get, but just don’t earn. Your instincts.” She let her hands slide over my shoulders and up my neck to cup my face. “As a little bonus for being so loyal, I gave you a little title that you might like. Varas Tuuli.” She breathed, her lips mere inches away from mine.

I had to stop her. I had to put my hands on her shoulders and push her away, had to stay faithful to Maud, but what I had to do and what I did ended up being different things. Furladra kissed me and I let it happen, feeling dirty all the while, but I’d never had a more fulfilling experience in my entire life. Nothing had made me feel like I’d done it all like that one kiss with Furladra, and the feeling she gave me, the emotion that carried as we locked lips, was like getting away clean from a big mark and counting your coins when you landed. The feeling was addictive, and despite my rational mind asking for me to shut shit down, I couldn’t bring myself to deny Furladra. I also couldn't bring myself to do much more than place my hands on her hips, but she was happy to get closer enough for my member to press against her.

In my defense, she’s a literal. Fucking. Goddess. You try not to stiffen up from just looking at her, dammit!

A part of me hoped that my treacherous actions would be put to a halt, but a larger piece of me wanted to show Furladra that I was willing to devote my body as well as my heart and soul to her. However, she broke the kiss and laced her arms around my neck once more, the slight height difference not making it difficult for her at all since she was apparently a tall woman. I’d always imagined her to be physically smaller, but when she looked into my eyes… It was indescribable. I knew that she was well aware of everything, and I mean everything, that I’d done in her name, and she approved. Trouncing uppity Gadai? Approved. Robbing the rich to give to kids who weren’t much younger than me? Double approved. Torching a nest of Brotherhood assassins for coming after one of ours? It was more than approved in her eyes. I wouldn’t have found it odd if she’d said that she found it… Moistening? I guess that would be the word for it. Knicker-soaking could be another, but the point is that Furladra liked what she saw, and that was satisfying beyond words.

“There’s more where that came from, Lover-Boy.” My Goddess gave me a wink. “I won’t come whenever you call, but you can ask for a word at the end of the day and I might be tempted to come for a visit. It wouldn’t hurt if you gave me something for my time, however.” She giggled and patted my chest, directly where her mark lay. “Kidding, of course. If you want to keep making offerings, then feel free, but I’ve already collected your dues. You’re good.”

“... What do you mean I’m good?” I asked.

“You’ve paid your fees.” She gave me a warm smile. “You’re not the first to earn a place by my side, if you care to take it, but you are the first to do it in a single Varkaan elämä (Thief’s Life. Thirteen years and a day, to be exact, because few thieves make it longer than that.), and that’s impressive. You know, my standards are very high.” She gave me another salacious look.

“... I’ve essentially promised my hand to Maud.” I said foolishly, my voice an octave higher than normal.

“Keep her for your mortal life. She might be a Grit, but she’s a good one as far as I can tell.” Ladra gave me a somewhat pouty look, though I hesitate to say ‘pouty’ about a fucking Goddess of all people.

“I-If you want me to break up with her, then I will.” I said resolutely. “I swore that my life was yours, that all I had would be yours. I honor my oaths.”

Furladra smiled and kissed the stubble on my chin. “Very nice, but unnecessary. I can’t keep this up forever, so I’ll leave you with this; don’t pine after me. You’ll have me in time, Sweetlove. All in due time.”

She went to kiss me, but I swayed back and asked, “Wait! What does me being the Varas Tuuli have to do with anything.”

Ladra gave me a little look. “It means you have Magic, you just have to figure out how to use it. Someone else already told you that, but he’s cryptic and a lot stronger than me, so I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“... There’s someone more powerful than a Goddess?” I asked with little belief in my voice.
“There’s a lot of people stronger than me, Lover-Boy.” Furladra rolled her eyes. “They don’t take as much interest in things as the Gods you know, but they are out there. Can I kiss you goodbye now?”

“Don’t let me stop you.” I answered.

And I did not stop her, which I did not regret, but when the sensation of her lips left me, I opened my eyes to see that I’d gone from the void to the Teleportation Station without moving at all. “... Whoa.”

“Gauche?” Was chorused from all around me.

Ladesa huffed. “Mum talked to you, didn’t she?”

I looked at Maud. “She kissed me, not the other way around.”

Maud tilted her head. “What? You have gone nowhere.”

“No, I just met Furladra.” I chuckled, running my hand through my hair. “I just fuckin’ met Furladra…”

“And she kissed you?” Ladesa asked, staggered.

I nodded slowly. “She wants me by her side when my time comes.”

“Fuck you.” Ladesa grumbled. “I can’t even get her to let me hold my own offerings and you just up and get a seat next to her throne!? This is such bullshit!”

Applejack foolishly stepped in the path of the raging bull. “Whoa now, Sugarcube. I don’t think it’s worth gettin’ all upset over-”

“Look here you wheat-chewin’, heather-humpin’ hick: When your Mum starts showin’ love to everyone but you, then you can say shit. When your Mum banishes you from your home, then you can say shit. When your own Mother makes you live out damn near a thousand years in thirteen year cycles, taking the face you wore along with each one, then you can say shit. Until then? I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it.” Ladesa seethed, tears in her eyes, raw emotion in her voice.

Applejack held her hands up in defeat. “I hear ya, Sugarcube. No need to do anythin’ crazy.”

Ladesa crossed her arms and I put a hand on her shoulder, but she brushed me off. “Can we just go now? Aren’t we gonna miss whatever we’re doing?” She asked shakily.

“Sure thing, Lover. Let’s get a move on.” I said soothingly.

It didn’t take anymore cajoling to leave that conversation behind, and with that, we were on our way to the Tele-Pad, and there were no more disturbances. At least, not from within my little group. There were a few Minotaurs that got into it with a group of Naga, but it was a decent distance away from where we needed to be, so that was fine. Ladesa’s mood didn’t seem to be improving and I doubted that the favoured consort would be comforting to the forsaken daughter, so I stayed my hand and let Twilight try to work her Magic while Maud interrogated me about the kisses with Furladra. I was honest with her as far as her inquiries about whether or not I could have stopped her her, but when she asked who I’d rather be with, I had to stick to what I knew best.

“Maud, I’m so fucking confused right now that eating a lit glob of poo seems like a better idea than doing anything to make the situation better. I don’t even know where to go. Walk into a padded deathtrap or take the easy way out and live with the person who’s protected me for fifteen long years…” I rubbed my cheeks and took calming breaths, but I was kind of close to losing it completely. My entire world had been completely rocked. Again.

Well, until Maud asked, “Whose love did you have to buy?”

I dropped my hands from my face and looked at Maud, lips quaking. “Gods... “ I chuckled. “FUCK!”

Maud took me into her arms, ready to console me as soon as she saw the ‘wound’ appear. “What is wrong, Epidote? Is the cognitive dissonance giving you a headache?”

I half laughed, half cried into her shoulder. “I’m so fucking lost right now and all I know is that you’ve been here for me ever since we’ve met. It’s so fucking obvious that I love you, but I owe my very existence to Furladra.” And no matter where I turn, I’m getting pushed into doing shit I don’t really want to do by people who put up a smile and follow up with an iron fist! All the fucking while my hands are getting bloodier and bloodier and now I’m lined up to be a Ranger on top of pulling Bite-Back duty!? What the. FUUUCK!? And why the fuck is Ladesa here? Seriously? This bitch is a child. And I swear to Furladra, thanks for the kisses you mind-scrambling bitch, if I have to build a new Guild on top of doing a bunch of already sketchy shit, I’m just going to climb the highest thing I can find and do a fucking flip. That’s not even mentioning the fucking ‘Faith’ bullshit going on with Applejack. Fuckin ‘Blah blah blah, I hear voices and they say go to Equestria or go to Hæl’ well fuck that shit! Gah! Why the fuck is my life so fucking fuckery FUCKED out of fucking NOWHERE!? If there is a One Above All, some kind of grand being that created all life; grant me a swift end. Here and now. Fuckin’. Try me.

I had a lot going on in my head at the moment. Press charges, why dontcha?

Maud started to say something before we heard the girls start arguing. “Epidote, I will not let them cause you further stress. Turn away so I can whack them.”

“Maud-”

“A Varas never goes for a Grit! It’s just unheard of!” Ladesa said loudly.

“Well who are you to say what’s right and what’s wrong!?” Pinkie shouted back.

I looked at Maud and she gave me one of her precious rare smiles. “I will be right back.”

‘That’s my girl.’ I thought as Maud practically glided toward the arguing group of overzealous females. It was a perfect moment to show that Maud had a lot of facets. She herself, was like a geode; there was so much beauty tucked away inside of her, and the only way to see it was to pay attention, and that beauty was captivating when she showed off her intellectual side. If you actually tried to give a shit about what she was talking about, noticed the minute levels of inflection she used for different rocks, then you could tell that she wore her heart on her sleeve. Then you have the sweet, flirty, witty Maud that shines like polished marble, and it’s an insight into her personality that you have to pay attention to see. Finally, you have Madam Skullcracker, who was making an appearance as she somehow gathered all four squabbling women into a group hug/headbutt that was… Their faces when they staggered away from Maud were priceless.

“Act your age. You are all Mares and pay your own way through life through your own means. Act like civilized adults, and I will treat you as civilized adults. Act like disgraces and I will treat you as such.” Maud said, plain and simple.

“Owie… I’m telling Dad.” Pinkie said loud enough for me to hear as I walked over.

Maud pointed at her. “Tell Dad and I will do it twice.”

Pinkie glared at her, but she shut up. Ladesa, however, was hot headed. “Fuck off.”

Maud popped her neck and it sounded like the crack of tree limb breaking suddenly in triplicate. “I will eradicate you.”

Ladesa looked at me, so I looked back and said, “You’ve gotta show a little respect sometime. I might feel for you, but I’ve been making excuses all day.”

“So you’re just turning your back on me!?” She cried.

I looked at Maud. “Mauble, remember what I said earlier? And I doubt you’d be happy to be be headbutted.”

“She said that we should not be together.” Maud deadpanned.

I looked over at Ladesa. “Guildies have married Grits before.”

“It’s still unusual, and that’s all I’m saying here. It’s not the norm, and it’s just odd for me to see an obvious Brawler go for… You.” She shook her head. “I’m not against ya, I’m just tryin’ to figger it out.”

“Don’t waste your time.” Maud replied. “It does not need to make sense to anypony other than Gauche and I.”

Ladesa looked at me and I shrugged. “I agree with her. Varas or not, I don’t have to justify my partner to you.”

“That’s not what the look was for!”

“Then why were you looking at me?”

“Because I was trying to figger out how to say that I just can’t get it out of my head without bein’ weird about it and lookin’ at Maud too long makes me feel like I’m eyin’ her an’ she looks like she hits too hard!”

“Fuckin’ truth.” I grumbled. Louder, I said, “Stop being shifty and try to keep it quiet, okay? Apparently this Faith guy doesn’t want you talking anyway, so…” I shrugged.

Ladesa sighed. “Whatever. I gotcha.”

I gave her a nod. “Thanks, Raspberry. Maud?”

Maud looked at me as calmly as she could. “Yes, Epidote?”

“You’re the best.” I got a little closer to her and extended a hand. “That’s all.”

“She’s a butthead.” Twilight grumbled as Maud accepted my offering.

“All aboard! All aboard the Tele-Pad to Manehattan! All aboard the Tele-Pad to Manehattan!” Someone called out through a system known as an ‘intercom’. I don’t know how it worked, but the voice came from many places at once, so that was odd.

With the trip nearly halfway done, Twilight lead the group to the Tele-Pad and got us settled in at one of the little mini circles within the giant rune itself. Once we were all settled in, Twilight started telling me all about how I was going to love Ponyville and the people there, but I wasn’t sure how well I was going to like a place that Maud had described as ‘Complete color overload. Too many clashing colours.’. However, I just waited for the trip to be over, and within the blink of an eye, it was. I was a little nauseous after the sudden jolt, but that was the worst of it.

After that, I was finally in Equestria.

Author's Note

At this point in the story, I'm really feeling it, but it slows down a lot from here, to be honest with you. About half of Chapter Nine and the entirety of Chapters Ten and Eleven take place in the same fuckin' day, and I realized that about halfway through eleven. However, the time difference between Minosia and Equestria is equivalent to the difference between Greece and the East Coast of The States, which is to say that our protagonists left at two~three o'clock and arrived at eight~nine.

Fuckin' full day, it was. It's over as of me writing this A/N (8:29 am 4/10/18) and it has been for about three hours now, give or take, but I forgot how long a day could fuckign last toward the end of Road to Redemption. When shit slows down, shit slows down.

Kinda.
As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Eleven: Life Is Complicated

Chapter Eleven: Life Is Complicated

I got nudged while my face was toward the sky, and when I looked at the person nudging me, Applejack and Ladesa were both giving me odd looks that amounted to ‘Whatcha doin’?’ in either of their accents. I didn’t really want to get up and be bothered with them, but I figured it would be better to just get it over and done with rather than drag everything out until it became an even bigger deal than it already was. I got off of my arse and onto my feet with a heavy sigh and locked eyes with Applejack, trying to slip on my Flash Face.

“Heya, ladies. So there’s some news you’re going to hear about sooner rather than later, so-”

Ladesa cleared her throat, so I stopped talking. “I already told Applejack about the Thieves Guild.”

I stared at her. “You what?”

“Yeah, once me and Desa got away from everypony, I asked what she used to do and she was honest with me. I don’t agree with what y’all do, but I had a funny feelin’ that Celestia was gonna put a stop to it anyway.” Applejack clarified.

“Ah. Yeah, she put the kibosh on any of our usual activities, Raspberry.”

Ladesa frowned. “Like we’ve let Royal blood stop us before.”

“You might not, but I will. I’ve got Celestia’s eye on me, and I have to work for her as a Ranger anyway, so…” I ran a hand through my hair and sighed.

“Don’t sound so upset about havin’ to live honestly, Sugarcube. It really ain’t as bad as you’re probably thinkin’ it is.” Applejack said soothingly.

“I don’t mind the thought of being a Ranger, Applejack. I really don’t. It’s just that Ranger’s from Avalesce usually went on dangerous missions that involved taking lives, and that’s what I was trying to avoid by coming here. It also doesn’t help that I met ‘Faith’,” I hit her with some heavy air quotes, “and he basically told me to do what he said or die horribly.”

Applejack paled and Ladesa frowned hard. “Why don’t we just go after this Faith guy then?”

“You/We can’t.” Applejack and I chorused.

“He’s the Allfather. He’s the Creator, that which resides above the Gods themselves.” I grunted.

“Oh, so you met Max? How’s he doin’?” Ladesa asked casually.

“Seemed a bit mad if you ask me.” I said quietly.

“That’s him alright. Did he threaten you directly, or was he talking to the Princess and you just happened to be in the same room?” She inquired further.

“He threatened me directly. Apparently if I don’t do what he wants, then he’s going to make Equis into a real Hælhole.” I replied, stressing out again.

“... Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Max. Anybody got a bottle of something distilled and strong?” Ladesa asked a bit nervously.

Applejack raised a finger and looked off to the side for a second. “Max says that Garrison is a Chosen, whatever that means.”

Ladesa’s freckles stood out that much more on her face as she paled. “Oh shit.”

“Prophesied one?” I asked blandly.

“There are probably some words about you somewhere.” Ladesa chuckled nervously before breaking out into awkward, pressured giggles.

“... You alright there, Desa?” Applejack queried.

“Uh… Well… Gods tend to be Chosen or Favoured, right? And if there’s a Chosen in a place, then they tend to have either Hæl on their doorstep or Hæl in their house.”

“... I don’t think I’m likin’ what I’m hearin’.” Applejack murmured.

“I’m more surprised by the fact that you’re not cursing us for being thieves.” I said, trying to derail us from the elephant in the room.

“Ladesa and I had a good while to talk, and the way she explained it was that there wasn’t much of a choice in y’all’s world.” Applejack answered. “When she said that the Guild only targeted crooks and bad folk in general, it got a lot easier to feel for y’all rather than to be one of the outsiders lookin’ in. I mean, I saw some a’ what went down in the Catacombs under Minosia, and I saw that ya lead a real dangerous life that I don’t think ya wanted in the first place.”

I snorted and gave her a smirk. “Brilliant, aren’t we?”

“I pay attention.” Applejack gave me a little smile in turn as she looked behind me. “Hey, looks like Pinks and Maud are comin’ along now.”

I turned and waved them over before looking at Applejack and Ladesa in turn. “Ladesa, what do you want to do while you’re here?”

“Uh… Are ya askin’ me if I wanna go with you wherever you’re goin’, or are you askin’ me if there’s just somethin’ I wanna do?”

“Do you want to come with me?”

“Yeah. I feel like we’re supposed to stick together.” She gave me a smirk. “What, you don’t want to get shown up by someone who’s mentally a decade younger than ya?”

“You should’ve had plenty of time to pick up the tricks of the trade. I mean, I was a Varas at your age.” I shot her a wink and she flushed.

“You got lucky, punk!” Ladesa objected.

“Wait, so is Varas some kinda title rather than a name?”

I pointed at myself, then at Ladesa. “Garrison Varas, Ladesa Varas. We’re both members of the same family and we carry the same rank.”

“Don’t ya boss Ladesa around though?”

Ladesa rubbed her neck. “W-Well everyone in the Guild knows that Garrison is like Desmond’s son, so it’s not usually a bad idea to follow what he says. I mean, Garrison’s Gadai were the best of the bunch.”

I smirked as Maud came up beside me and Pinkie joined Applejack. “Did we miss anything?” Pinkie asked far too loudly.

“Just that Desa and Gauche were in some kinda Thieves Guild and that apparently Gauche is some kinda hero already, just for the opposite side a’ the law.” Applejack informed.

“The danger is sexy.” Maud monotoned.

Pinkie gave her a look. “Maudileena Daisy Pie, we talked about this!”

Maud stuck her tongue out at her sister. “Gauche is a better Stallion than that dreadfully boring Mudbriar.”

“Yeah, but there could be a stallion out there that’s even better for you than some pony who doesn’t even like strawberries!”

“Maud doesn’t even like strawberries.” I said confusedly.

Maud gave me a peck on the cheek and Pinkie pouted. “I bet you don’t even know what her favourite food is!”

“Fried marigolds tossed in a mango-Minosian Gold chutney.” I answered easily.

“Her favourite rock!?”

“It changes depending on the day, but Boulder tends to be her first answer, recently epidote has been her second, and Thunder-Egg agate is usually up there.”

Pinkie frowned harder. “What’s her favourite holiday!?”

I looked at Maud. “Sibling Celebration Day, though it’s an Equestrian holiday.”

“Errg! I bet you don’t know what colour her eyes really are!” Pinkie challenged.

“Celadon.” I replied casually.

“Oh.” Pinkie deflated.

“Ha.” Maud said, a tinge of triumph in her voice.

“Okay, so Gauche is better than a thought, but that doesn't change the fact that he’s gonna have to be a Ranger! You two are never gonna get to see each other!”

“No, Celestia said that Gauche is going to be stationed in Jolly Junction.” Twilight said, having joined the group while everyone was focused on myself and Pinkie. “Celestia is a Mare of her word, so Gauche and Maud are going to have plenty of time together, as little as that pleases you.”

“I’m fine with Maud finding a good Stallion, but why Gauche!?” Pinkie moaned.

“Why not me? Maud and I are both the best at what we do, we’re both interesting in our own rights, Maud’s brilliant while I’m crafty, she’s strong while I’m dextrous, and she’s pretty cute while I’m pretty… Er…” I trailed off, hoping that the self-deprecation would earn me a few points.

Maud held my arm. “You are handsome, and do not let a single pony tell you any different.”

“I’m not a Pony, so I can tell you that you’re not exactly Sylphis incarnate.” Ladesa teased.

“I’ll punch you for every freckle.” I warned.

Ladesa just smiled at me and Maud huffed. “My Stallion is cute. I will hear no further disagreeance.”

Twilight just shook her head. “Gauche is fine to look at, but he’s a thief!”

“He has stolen my heart.” Maud answered.

“I don’t wanna give it back either. Not until you give mine back.” I commented smoothly.

“It seems like a worthy trade, but I would prefer to keep what I have at the moment.”

Twilight frowned and looked at Maud. “How can you just gloss over the fact that Gauche is a criminal!?”

“Nopony has ever gone hungry because of Gauche’s actions, and those that he has hurt have hurt others in far worse ways than he them. Gauche’s justice is not Equestrian, but it is justice nonetheless, and I am more than willing to love a Stallion who sticks to his convictions.” Maud replied drolly, as per the usual.

The purple Princess rubbed her face with both hands. “Are Pinkie and I the only ones seeing sense right now?”

“Sugarcube, ya gotta understand what it’s like to live a rough life to understand why Gauche does what he does. Max told me that he himself, as in the Creator of All Life, used to be a thief to make ends meet.” Applejack defended.

“And Gauche is infamous for givin’ a lot of what he steals to orphans.” Ladesa chimed in, garnering attention from the Mares in spades, including Maud, who should have already known about my generous streak. Once Ladesa realized that all eyes were on her, she blushed and continued. “W-Well, it’s just odd to see someone give away so much. I mean, last I heard, Gauche gave away at least five thousand shillings to people he didn't even know because they needed the funds, and I just thought it was important to the conversation, y’know? I-I mean…”

“It is important to the conversation, Desa.” Twilight said gently before looking at me. “Did you really donate so much money to foals in need?”

I blushed, my face growing hot as I rubbed the back of my neck. “W-Well, I-I just know what it’s like to go hungry because the orphanage can’t afford to feed everyone for the day, y’know? I-I just didn’t want the next generation of kids to have to grow up like I did with a bowl of porridge in the morning and a beating at night if you asked for more than what you got.”

“... You got beat if you asked for dinner?” Applejack asked softly.

“... Yeah?” I answered. “It wasn’t uncommon, even with kids who had parents, you know. When there isn't food to be eaten, no one likes to be reminded.”

“... What else did you get beaten for?” Twilight asked.

I shook my head and blew some air through my lips. “Uh… A lot of stuff, honestly. Eating too quickly, eating too slowly, not going out and trying to make some money, making too much money in one day, trying to keep a pence or two for myself, looking out for my sister, not praying to Jus on the weekends, praying to Furladra before I was a Guild Member, praying to Zdenek for a swift, painless passage for Aria-”

“You can stop.” Pinkie said awkwardly. “I think we get it…”

“... You stole because there wasn’t much else for you to do…” Twilight murmured.

Maud nodded. “Not every country is like Equestria. I doubt that Celestia wants Gauche in her country, but I would be more surprised to find that she would judge Gauche based on his troubled past.”

“... I’ll try to talk to Celestia since the Truth Spell didn’t go off at all while you were talking, but she really isn’t fond of you, Gauche. In the meantime, I think we still have to go to Ponyville, don’t we?” Our resident Princess half asked, half suggested.

“Yay, another train ride!” Pinkie exclaimed.

I blanched and everyone looked at me with dreadful smiles that were more natural on a Dragon’s face than on Ponies’ faces, but it didn’t matter much. When we went back to the Train Station and bought tickets, the majority of our group was eager to go and get lunch, but Maud and I talked them down into waiting until we got to Ponyville since I was just going to throw it all back up anyway. Ladesa made the fair point of asking why everyone had to suffer with me until Maud pointed out that she was only invited along because I wanted her around in the first place, which shut her down pretty hard. The rest of the Mares didn’t mind waiting another couple of hours for lunch, and with that, we agreed to wait on lunch.

I’ll skip the train ride since that one sucked too, but this time I just laid my head on Maud’s shoulder and choked down the ever-present feeling of drowning that was marking the day with more than a few bad notes. At least Twilight was fine with me, and Applejack was good to go, but Pinkie? Pinkie was a wildcard, and I was afraid that she was going to drive a wedge between Maud and I that was going to end our relationship before it naturally ended, whether that be through some form of argument or death doing us part. I rather like Maud for who she was and her obvious love for me, which in turn spurred love from within myself toward her, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was leaning on her a little too hard ever since I got my shit pushed in by Odysseus.

My thoughts made the ride pass quickly enough, and once I got onto solid land once again, I put myself back together quickly enough for Twilight and Pinkie to not ditch the rest of us in search of tasty eats. Maud warned me quietly that there wasn’t going to be any meat in Equestria, and that was true for most places. However, I knew that I had a similar diet as to that of a Dog, so I could base my food stuffs off of what Dogs could eat rather than what they would eat since a few of them were known to eat grass, bark, and a few other weird things. We settled on a place called Leaves and Stems for our midday lunch, and I ended up with an egg and cheese sandwich since they weren’t picky about serving breakfast for lunch. Twilight got a lavender salad, Pinkie ordered honey cakes, Maud got chopped spinach salad with some fancy kind of vinaigrette, and Ladesa ordered a ‘tofu’ burger with ‘fries’, though she said that the fries were the best part of her meal. We traded bites of our respective sandwiches and Ladesa’s was honestly edible, but it was some kind of terrible, though she was fond. How? I don’t know, but it wasn’t my problem.

It was agreed that Maud, Ladesa, and I would stay in Ponyville for a couple of days, and as such, Applejack asked if Ladesa and I wanted to stay with her since her family home had enough rooms to give us each our own beds for multiple nights, which left Ladesa and I a little staggered since Applejack had told us that she was a farmer. Farmers in Avalesce usually squeeze their kids in three or four to a room, but apparently Equestrian farmers had the dosh to back up their lands. Like earlier, Ladesa and Applejack talked between each other and seemed to get along a little better than I would have expected, but I guessed that their similar tough-girl facades brought them together in a way, and while they walked together, Pinkie stole Maud from me, so I had to listen as Twilight showed me every little detail about her adoptive hometown.

❖☬❖

With Jay finally making his way out of the Everfree, Fluttershy’s cabin was terribly far from where he was, so he tried to comb out the bits and pieces of plant life that were stuck in his hair as he crossed the open land between Fluttershy’s cabin and the Everfree. A few of her animals took interest in him since he smelled a little like Fluttershy, which confused their fun little animal noses as he stopped and petted a few of them every now and again. Animals generally didn’t like Jay before Arkaid’s Fluttershy had saved his life, but now that he carried a bit of her scent wherever he went, it was like the fauna-based curse had been lifted and he was allowed to commune with nature. It’s not like he could talk to animals, but he still thought it was cool that he didn’t have to worry about getting attacked while at Fluttershy’s place.

After he’d scratched behind a few ears and dropped off the fruit he'd gotten from the Matron’s wards, Jay knocked on Fluttershy’s door and after a few moments, Harry the bear opened the door with his muzzle and eyed Jay intensely, to which the man replied with, “Sup? Is Fluttershy around.”

Harry grunted.

“I see. Do you know when she’ll be back?” Jay guessed.

Harry let out a little roar and walked back into Fluttershy’s domicile, leaving the door open before letting loose an eardrum-rupturing roar. Of course it didn’t actually rupture any heard eardrums, but he was a loud ‘little’ fucker, and Jay was a little less than pleased to have been caught with his hands away from his listening holes. However, Fluttershy quickly appeared from further within her house and started to admonish Harry before she locked eyes with Jay. She timidly approached the door as Jay gave her a pleasant smile.

“Hey there, Beautiful. Mind if I have a moment of your time?”

“Eep! I-I Er… Um…” Fluttershy stuttered.

“I see you and through you, sister. Help me.” Jay said, quoting me perfectly.

“O-Oh. I-I didn’t know you were one of us.” Fluttershy said, perking up a bit.

“A Vampire? Not quite.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy shook her head a bit and guided her hair back into her face.

“I’m a Thrall, made so by someone who needed me to live past the day I was supposed to die. I was sent here by a guy with too much power for his own good.” Jay explained.

“I-I see… D-Do you n-need something from me?”

“A dose of your venom, if you can spare some at all. I know it’s a lot to ask since I’m a stranger-”

“N-No! It’s no trouble at all!” Fluttershy interrupted before realizing her error. “O-Oh, I’m sorry… I-I didn’t mean to c-cut you off.”

Jay gave her a gentle smile. “It’s fine, Fluttershy. It really is.”

“... How do you know my name?” She asked carefully, coming a bit closer as she spoke.

“I knew a different version of you. She was a Human like me, and she’s the one who turned me into a Thrall.”

Fluttershy’s eyes shot open. “The Multiverse is real!?” She exclaimed softly.

Jay nodded. “Yeah, apparently. That’s what the Creator of the universe says at least.”

“That’s incredible! What was the other me like?” Fluttershy asked excitedly.

Jay chuckled and picked another bit of twig out of his hair. “Honestly? She was the sweetest thing on two feet, and she was very considerate. She had a sensual side that I enjoyed seeing, but her alternate personality wanted me for my body and not much else. Fluttercup herself, however, was like, easily one of the most elegant and graceful women I’ve ever met, and she was modest to boot. She had the Shy Girl angle down to a ‘T’, and the only thing better than getting a kiss from her was cuddling with her.”

Fluttershy took stock of her assets, comparing herself to the ‘Mare’ Jay had described, and she saw that she fell a bit flat in comparison. Fluttershy felt like she wasn’t all that sweet, nor terribly considerate at times. Her sensual side was nearly nonexistent since she’d never had a stallion, and her own alternate, Shade Rose, was something of an enigma to her since she so rarely chose to say anything. However, Fluttershy knew that she was graceful and modest, but elegance wasn’t something she could say she had, and being shy was literally in her name.

“I-I see…”

Jay did his best not to let anything show on his face and chose his words carefully. “... You know, you look a lot like my Fluttershy, just a little shorter and… Furry. Yellow and furry. With wings that don’t disappear on command, I’m assumin’.”

Fluttershy blushed and let one of her wings come around so she could hold onto it and straighten out her already perfect feathers. “W-Well, Pegasi can’t really get rid of their wings…”

“Icarians, the Arkadite equivalent to Pegasi I’m guessin’, had ethereal wings that were beautiful, but complimenting someone on them was supposed to be bad for some reason. I was a Medeis, a Unicorn in other words, so I never figured out why.” Jay scratched his head.

Fluttershy’s blush grew deeper. “I-It’s just…” She said something, but it was too soft for Jay to hear.

He came in a little closer and focused on her voice a little harder. “If it’s somethin’ embarrassing we can leave the topic where it is.”

Fluttershy peered out from behind her wing. “... Do I remind you of your Fluttershy?”

“... It’s like meetin’ her all over again.” Jay confessed, feeling a little awkward.

“... W-Would you like a cup of tea?” Fluttershy asked, not knowing where else to go with some’pony’ who had obviously fallen in love with a person who was apparently just like her.

“I’d love one. Especially if you spit in the cup and pour the tea over it.” Jay jested lightly, trying to bring some levity into the situation.

Fluttershy gave him an odd look. “... Y-You’d drink that?”

“If I didn’t know you did it, probably. It’s not like it’d be terribly noticeable.”

“... I-I wouldn’t do that…”

“Thank ya for that.” Jay looked at Harry and Harry looked back at him. “You want a hug, Bruh?”

Harry shrugged and lumbered off to Fluttershy’s hearth and called it home for a little while, so Jay came closer to Fluttershy and stopped a few steps away. “I’m following you, Flutters.”

“O-Okay… I-” Fluttershy fingered her wing, ending her words abruptly

“Have I told you my name yet?” Jay asked when Fluttershy stopped talking.

“... No. Th-That’s what I was going to ask about…”

He gave her an easy smile and I may or may not have tapped Fluttershy’s hypothalamus for that one. “Name’s Jameson Underwood, but most people call me Jay.” He extended a hand.

Fluttershy let her wing go and held it with one hand before daintily shaking Jay’s hand. “I-I’m Fluttershy. It-It’s nice to meet you, Jay.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, now bite my shiny yella ass.”

Fluttershy’s blinked and blushed. “Wh-What?”

Jay cracked a smile and chuckled at her reaction. “I’m just messing with you. You don’t actually have to bite my butt.”

“... D-Don’t you need a dose of venom so you don’t have to f-feed?” Fluttershy asked.
“I can wait a little longer, especially since I have the feeling that your company is going to be worth the wait.” He flirted, not really knowing that he was doing it.

Her blush returned and she took a step back. “Wh-Why don’t I get st-started on the t-t-tea?”

“Is there anything I can help with?” He asked politely.

“Um… C-C-Can you… Um… Can you l-let m-m-me have… I-I mean… Just a little…?”

Jameson knew what she was getting at. “Don’t drain me completely and you can have as much as you want.”

“I-I don’t need that much! I-I’ve just been a little thirsty t-today and since you haven’t had venom in a little while…”

“I understand, Flutters. My Fluttershy said my blood was nice and savory, kind of like black tea if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Her brows lifted and she held her fingertips to her mouth. “Y-You mean you don’t taste like most ponies?”

“I’m not a Pony at all.”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “I-I know…”

Jay gave her an odd look and a smile. “Why would I taste like a Pony if I’m not one?”

“E-Even some Dogs taste like Ponies…” Fluttershy briefed.

“Ah, I see. Here’s hoping I don't taste like your average Dog.” Jay said disdainfully.

“You can’t really control how you taste…”

“You can if you cut back on the red meat and eat a lot of pineapples.” Jay teased.

The joke flew and flew and flew. “... Y-You’re a carnivore?”

“Omnivore. I’m guessing that people around these parts don’t eat meat?”

“Ponies are herbivores, and most of Equestria is made up of Ponies…”

“Can we talk about the other countries over tea?”

Fluttershy seemed interested at the prospect and nodded, so she turned and let her wing go, furtively casting glances back at Jay every now and again while he subtly maneuvered himself into her line of sight more often than he stayed out of it to keep her at ease. Most of their morning was spent talking, and a lot of that talking was done over tea with few enough bathroom breaks between the two of them. Fluttershy was steadily falling for a ‘Stallion’ who showed genuine interest in her and her activities while Jay was finding new things to love about the Fluttershy Collective, and was noticing slight differences in his Fluttershy and the one before him. Where Arkaid’s Fluttershy was still ready and able to complete whatever task was set in front of her, Equis’ Fluttershy had a little less confidence, and it showed in her body language. Whereas Arkadite Fluttershy was consistent with what she wanted, Equis’ Fluttershy tended to be a little ambiguous with what she wanted and when she wanted it. However, both Human and Pony were glad when Jay asked where Fluttershy wanted to draw blood from, but because of their status as near strangers, Fluttershy chose to bite his wrist, which neither of them were terribly satisfied with. Jay was fine with it and Fluttershy was happy to have a meal, but both of them wished that Fluttershy had been brave enough to ask to draw from Jay’s neck, which would have given Fluttershy a tastier meal and Jay a better high from her venom.

It didn’t matter much in the end, but either way, they found each other good company, despite Jay looking like he was supposed to after two weeks and change in a murder forest and Fluttershy being able to smell the forest and its ‘wonder’s on his clothes and skin. She subtly asked him if he’d like to go shopping for more clothes, but he assured her that he had clean clothes in his bag, it was just a matter of finding someone who was willing to let him make a mess of their shower. Fluttershy just so happened to be a softy like that, and after a long shower (For a guy who wasn’t beating his meat), Jay came out fresh and relaxed with a smile on his face and gratitude to be shared. Once he found the Beastmaster/Animal Caretaker in her living room, he decided to show his gratitude.

“Hey Flutters, do you know what an Artificer does?” He asked when he was seated, another cup of tea in front of him.

Fluttershy smiled into her cup, enjoying the scent of her tea and the occasional waft of the just-in-case ‘Stallion’ soap she’d bought. It didn’t hurt at all that Jay’s shirt was a little tight, courtesy of his now ex-girlfriend’s tastes. “Mhmm.”

“Is there anything you want enchanted? I can do a pretty decent number of things, and I can do a few general health charms if you’d like. I also packed a few useful books to widen the library, but you never know-”

“Ah, that sounds nice.”

Jay gave Fluttershy a look, but she was still just smiling at her teacup. “Fluttershy?”

“Mhmm?”

“... Do you want a charm or a talisman or something?”

“Oh, that sounds nice.”

“Yes, but what do you want?”

“Mhmm.”

Jay gave her another look, but this one was kinda fucked up. “Are you paying attention?”

“Right, right…”

“I’m going to deep fry Angel if you want some.”

“Deep fried food isn’t healthy.” Fluttershy commented, finally drawing her gaze away from his chest to see Jay giving her a withering look. “Er- I… Was it something I said?”

“What did I say I was going to deep fry?” Jay asked a little irritably.

“Um… Hay?”

“Angel.”

Fluttershy paled. “... Y-You weren’t b-b-being serious, r-right?”

“Of course not, but I’d like to know what you were thinking about so hard that you couldn’t hear me offer to repay you for the tea, your time, and the shower.”

Her face turned beet red in a second. “O-Oh, y-you wouldn’t be interested.”

“I think I’d be the judge of that in most cases.” Jay joked gently.

“... W-Would you like to go for a walk?” Fluttershy asked timidly.

“I’d love to. Where we goin’?”

“... Umm…”

❖☬❖

“And over there is Ponyville Park, and that bench is the only one for about two hundred and sixty five yards! Isn’t that just odd?” Twilight asked. “Most of the benches are only two hundred yards apart, and- Oh? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that guy before.”

I looked at the unimportant bench Twilight mentioned, actually paying attention for once in the past thirty minutes and looked at the fellow on said bench for all of two seconds. “Small town?”

Twilight broke off from the group, shortly followed by Pinkie, which made Maud and I follow up until Pinkie said, “Hiya! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in Ponyville before!”

“Just got in from the Everfree. Been in that Hellhole a couple weeks now.” The tired male voice replied. “Hey, Pinkie, can I ask you something?”

“Wait, how do you know her name?” Twilight asked as Maud and I came a bit closer.

“I know yours too, Twilight Sparkle. Have either of you guys seen a Human walking around here? Probably got dark hair and green eyes.”

They both looked back at me, all of eight feet away and I shook my head. They looked back to the Human who somehow knew them since he still hadn’t seen me. “Why are you interested?” Twilight asked.

“A friend of mine told me to find him. It’s not a big deal if you haven’t seen him or anything, I just figured I’d ask.” He said pleasantly, though his accent was kind of like an Equestrian’s, and that in and of itself was odd.

“Oh, uh… We’ll let you know if we find the Human you’re looking for. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.” Twilight giggled nervously.

The fellow turned to fully face her with a smile. Odd spectacles adorned his face, shaded as they were, and he brought them down to the tip of his wide nose to wink at Twilight. “Never told you it was a ‘He’.”

“Ah-heh-heh… Er, well… Fifty-Fifty shot?” Twilight said awkwardly.

I decided to come to her rescue. “Why do you want to meet me, Bruv?”

The stranger replaced his spectacles and looked at me. “Are you a friend of Garrison Varas?”

“Wouldn't say we’re friends, but I know him.”

The fellow nodded as a soft voice called out, “Twilight! Pinkie! You’re back!”

“Fluttershy!” The girls cried, racing off toward a yellow Mare with a light pink mane.

I looked at Maud, and then at the olive-skinned fellow. “What’s your name, Bruv?”

“Jameson, but everyone calls me Jay. Are you Garrison Varas?” He asked not-impolitely.

“Sure am. Whatcha need?”

“I don’t need shit, to be honest with you. I’m here as a favour to a friend who wants me to check your gear out. I’m a glorified tinkerer, and my best guess is that I’m supposed to be blowing my Magic on upgrading your shit.” Jay answered blithely.

“Let me save you the trouble. No one touches my gear ‘cept for me and her.” I pointed at Maud.

He raised a brow from behind his shaded eyeglasses. “Whether you let me or you make me, I gotta tell you that I need to see your wrist blades and see the mark on your chest to fulfill my part of the contract with Hermes.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You worship the Elder Gods?”

Jay snorted like I’d just told him that ink tastes like licorice. “Bruh, like, why? Why would I worship somebody less powerful than the Almighty? I mean, the Torch Bearer ain’t exactly kind all the time, but he’s good enough to get shit done.”

“So Max sent you.” I stated rather than asked.

Jay shrugged. “I wouldn’t say that, but if you wanna go with that, go ahead.”

“Why do you need to see my wrist blades?”

“Well, the first thing I’m gonna do is put a runeset on them and add in sharpness and durability mods to make them do killin’ more gooder. The second thing doesn’t matter and the third doesn’t exist because the second one is void anyway.”

I shook my head. “I’m not handing my shit over to a stranger who knows too much about me. Sorry, but I’m not really interested.”

Jay pulled something out of a bag and let his arm hang over the edge with it in his hand. “Ya see, I just learned that my brother never gave two shits about me, and then I figured out that he’s been dead for six months while I only saw him about three weeks ago. Got out of the Everfree earlier today, and I honestly gotta say that I don’t give two shits about what you want. I’m enchanting your shit, or you’re regretting your life in about thirty seconds.”

Jay’s head jerked forward at the same time mine did, so I assumed that Max slapped both of us. “Quit being tough guys and just do what the fuck I said to do! Garrison? Hand ‘em over. Jay? Enchant the fuck out of ‘em.” Max groaned from the Ether.

Jay grumbled something to himself and stowed the thing he’d grabbed and held his hand out. “You really gonna make me wait all day, or do you want me to take ‘em and give ‘em back when I’m done?”

I rolled my eyes and started unstrapping my gauntlets. “How long is this gonna take.”

“It’s been a minute since I’ve had to enchant anything other than a tree, so about fifteen minutes.”

“That is exceptionally fast for a common Enchanter.” Maud droned.

“I’m not an Enchanter, Miss Monotone Maverick. I’m an Artificer.” He dug around his bag and pulled out an odd looking device that looked to be a scraping tool of some kind with a steel head and a handle made of crystal and wood. The crystal glowed gently in the afternoon Sun, putting off a cool blue light that faded after a moment.

“... So you’re a tinkerer that enchants stuff.” I simplified.

“The word is literally Artificer.” He deadpanned.

“Just trying to put it into simpler words, Bruv.” I said, handing over my gauntlets, expecting it to take him forever to find out how they worked since Daelus’ crafts were complicated.

He exposed the blades before I finished the thought. “Reactive-locking one-hitch spring-assist with retraction mechanisms? Not bad.” He gripped his tool and flipped the first gauntlet over, getting started on his work.

Maud and I watched over his shoulder before we were joined by Pinkie, Twilight, and Fluttershy, though none of them made a noise as they joined the peanut gallery to watch Jay finish enchanting my hidden blades. Once he was done with one, he moved onto the other and managed to finish that one a lot faster than the other, but then he apparently had an idea because he started on another rune to go along with the first one. It took him around five minutes to clean it up a bit before moving onto the first gauntlet again, but as it was last time, it took him a considerably shorter span to complete his task.

“There. Shit should poke folk better, and if you manage to land a hit, it’s gonna fuckin’ hurt.” Jay said, handing my shit back to me.

“Thanks, Bruv. What do I owe you?”

“I could use a bite to eat, if you don’t mind paying for lunch.” He said casually.

I dug out a twenty-five bit coin from my pocket. “Should do for you and a friend if you’ve got someone to go with.”

Jay looked to Fluttershy. “What do you say, Flutters? You have a chance to eat yet?”

She passed him a partially melted bowl of something or other that he accepted with a chuckle. “I-I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Oh, we should’ve gotten some ice cream!” Twilight said regretfully.

“Ice cream?” I asked, looking to Maud. “Is that anything like cream ice?”

“... The words are swapped. It is a dessert made from cow’s milk.” Maud replied plainly.

“Ah. Yeah, let’s go get some ice cream.” I scratched my face.

“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “I knew you couldn’t be all bad! What’s your favourite flavour, Gauche?”

“Gauche? Thought your name was Garrison.” Jay said amusedly.

“Gauche Suede is a nickname.” I explained.

“Can’t dress for shit, can ya?” He chuckled.

“He can’t.” Maud answered for me.

“I can dress just fine, dammit!” I argued.

Maud tilted her head at me. “Did you or did you not try to buy a woman’s blouse because it was in your size?”

Everyone present cracked up at that, but hearing laughter at my expense made me realize something. “Heya, while you lot were laughing, did you happen to think of where Ladesa and Applejack went?”

Everyone looked around, but Jay was the one to say, “They’re at Sugarcube Corner. You’ll meet up with them in fifteen minutes if you leave in a sec or two.”

Everyone stared at him and Twilight asked, “How do you know where they are?”

“I looked around.” He answered cryptically, adjusting his spectacles.

“The fuck.” I said, looking around.

“... Sugarcube Corner is ten minutes away…” Twilight muttered.

Maud looked at Pinkie and Pinkie beamed. “I should’ve known all along! You were the one I felt pop up!”

Jay gave her a nod. “Tell the Arcadian Pinkie I said hi, will you? I know you can get in touch if you want.”

“I don’t kno~ow! What’s in it for me?” Pinkie asked sweetly.

“What do you want?”

She skipped over and leaned down to whisper in his ear and he nodded. “I can do that. Secrets held and all that.”

“Goodie! Now stop looking into other people’s futures, Buster!”

I assume he rolled his eyes, but he still ended up turning his head toward Fluttershy. “You wanna hang out with your friends, or are we doing something?”

Fluttershy crumbled under the attention she was receiving. “Um…”

“I won’t be offended if you don’t want to spend your day with me, Sweets. It’s all good.” Jay said casually, sounding like he’d probably manage to find himself something else to do.

“W-Well…”

“Do you have a house here in town, or are you staying at the local inn?” Twilight asked.

Jay’s face grew a little ruddy. “I was probably going to grab a room at the inn-”

“With what bits?” Maud asked. “You needed recompense from Gauche to pay for lunch.”

“Ah. Ah-ha-ha… Yeah, no, I have bits, they’re just from a different planet.” Jay answered a bit awkwardly.

“So they are worthless here?” Maud droned.

“They’re still made out of precious metals!” He objected defensively. “I’m sure I can do something with them until I get something sorted out.”

“So what are you going to do before you manage to get your fake bits sold?” Twilight asked testily. “Because using forged bits is a crime.”

“They’re not forged, they’re foreign. I’ll probably have a smelter or something melt them down for me so I can use the ingots-”

“You have to pay to use someone’s smelter, Jay.” Twilight informed.

“Time is money when it comes to casting. You would most likely have to haggle to make it out of the deal with enough bits to fund yourself for a few weeks, let alone a full month.” Maud added.

“Okay, okay, just back off, will ya? Jesus, it’s like y’all ain’t heard a’ someone bein’ broke or some shit.” He grumbled.

“You said you were an Artificer, right? Why not buy the materials for a stall and set up shop in the market offering your services?” I asked. “I’d be willing to loan you the money for a start up and you can pay me back when you start raking in some income.”

“Oh, I’d be willing to give you a stall and wave the normal fees for a week so you can get your business started.” Twilight offered with a smile.

Jay looked at her for all of two seconds before turning to me. “Yeah, how much do you think it’s gonna be to get the materials? I can charge up to twenty-eight bits for an E-Class rune, and I can make those like they’re going out of fuckin’ fashion since I’m a low ranking B.”

“... The ranks mean nothing to me, but the going rate for lumber in Minosia was a drach a foot for a two by four. Should equal out to about forty bits to get up and running with the simple construction, but decorating is going to be another thing.”

“Are you just going to ignore the fact that Twilight offered to pay for this?” Maud asked, tilting her head slightly.

“I’m not ignoring it, I’m choosing the loan route because I don’t like gifts. A man has to make his own way in the world.” Jameson said wisely.

I nodded. “And I can respect that more than asking for a handout.”

“... Stallions.” The Mares of the group chorused.

Jay and I traded a look. “Women.”

Maud hit me for that. “Needlessly paying for something that you could have for free makes no sense.”

“There’s no such thing as a free meal. Someone somewhere cooked said meal, and their time is money. You might not have to pay for it, but someone along the line has to, and I get where Jay’s coming from on this. Twilight and I might be strangers, but when a stranger offers you a meal ticket as opposed to a work-offer, is it really that hard to see which one a hard worker would rather have?” I asked.

“I ain’t a hard worker, I’m a smart worker. I smartly choose to work hard.” Jay quipped.

“I’ll fuck you.” I pointed a finger at him.

“I’ll suck you clean when you’re done.” Jay countered.

“I’ll reach around and-”

“Dear Celestia, will you two please stop!” Twilight cried.

“I dunno, I was getting into it!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Her purple friend turned bright red as Fluttershy’s desolate look grew. I wondered why that was until Jameson said, “I think it’s safe to say that neither of us are actually willing to do that shit.”

“Verily. I’m not fond of men in that fashion.” I chimed in.

“That I know.” Maud stroked my cheek, making Fluttershy and Twilight blush brighter than ever.

“Oh my gosh! Maud, not you too!” Twilight cried.

Maud gave her a mild look. “Gauche and I have been a couple for a month now. It is only natural that we consummate our relationship.”

I cleared my throat since it suddenly seemed awfully full of phlegm at the moment while Twilight carried on. “Still, you don’t have to say it!”

“Maybe you should be looking for a Stallion, Twilight.”

“I-I-I- Er, Um… Ma-Maybe another time?” She replied uncomfortably.

“Ah, you must be gay.” Jay said like an actual barbarian.

I cracked up on the spot while Twilight stammered and spluttered. “N-N-No! I-I-I like Stallions!”

“Is there something wrong with being gay, Princess?” I asked to add a little extra to the moment.

“Wh-What!? No! There’s nothing wrong with being gay!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Stop teasing Twilight, you two.” Maud ordered.

“Yes, mother.” Jay said flippantly. Before he could move, Maud hit him and it sounded a lot like, “Fuckin’ ow!”

“Do not sass me, young Stallion.” Maud deadpanned.

“I was agreeing with you, Droll Dork!”

“Oi, I’ll really fuck you for disrespecting my woman.” I said.

“Tell her to keep her damn hands to herself! She hits too fuckin’ hard to be doin’ that shit.” Jay grumbled.

“You’re not the one who has to deal with it all the time.” I muttered to him.

“I do not abuse you.” Maud said somewhat defensively.

“You don’t kiss my boo-boos either.” I said carelessly.

“Would you like me to make boo-boos so I can kiss them?”

“No. Please no.” I replied with wisdom.

“Let’s go to Sugarcube Corner already! We should’ve left five minutes ago!” Pinkie said a little grumpily.

“I’d agree, but I’d like to go home and relax for a little while to be honest. It’s been a busy day.” Twilight said, sighing.

“Teleport lag is pretty unpleasant if you are unused to it. Gauche and I will accompany Pinkie to Sugarcube Corner.” Maud declared for me.

“Yay!” Pinkie clapped her hands rapidly.

Jay looked to Fluttershy. “I’m not doing anything important at the moment. Whaddaya say?”

“Um… I’d like to continue our walk…” She said shyly, her demeanor indicative of her name.

“Have a nice date you two.” I gave Jay a wink.

Both of them blushed, though Fluttershy’s was more noticeable than Jay’s. “I-It’s not a date!”

Twilight grinned. “I don’t know, Fluttershy. Walking in the park on a beautiful day with a handsome Stallion all by yourselves? It sounds like a date.”

“If Fluttershy says it’s not a date, it’s not.” Jay said frostily, looking at Twilight.

Twilight absolutely missed his tone. “If you say so~”

“It’s totally a date, Bruv, but denial is the first step to acceptance.” I murmured to Jay.

“It’s a fuckin’ date, but she’s real timid like that.” Jay whispered back while the girls got into it. “She’s already taken a shine to me, but we’ll see how it goes from there.”

I glanced over at Fluttershy and she seemed to be conflicted between looking at Maud, Pinkie, and Twilight as they argued over what constituted as a date, and Jay and I as we kept our thoughts quiet. “Best of luck, Bruv. That one’s well endowed.”

“Fuckin’ A right she is. There was a Human version of her on the planet I just came from, and you wouldn’t believe how great she was. I’m hoping that I can start something new with this one.”

“Here’s to arse and all who have it, no?”

He chuckled at that. “Hey, you much of a drinker?”

“No, not really. That and the Creator just told me that it’s going to be hard for me to get drunk, so if I drink, it’s gotta be something decent-tasting.”

“I don’t really drink myself, but I wouldn’t mind meeting up for a mug of something cold and bubbly later.”

I scoffed. “Cold beer? That sounds disgusting.”

“It’s the only way to drink it, you savage.” Jay laughed.

“No, you drink water cold. Anything with alcohol needs to be warm so it goes down easier.”

“Hey, what are you two whispering about!?” Pinkie asked at her usual volume.

“Liquor.” I said.

“Beer.” Jay replied simultaneously.

Jay looked at me. “Can’t say I drink much liquor.”

I leaned on the bench. “Neither do I, but let’s get fucked up tonight and let our worries wash away with the tides, no?”

“A-fucking-men to that.” He said, his voice dipping.

Maud stared holes into my head. “Were you planning on leaving me for a night on the town?”

I looked to Jay. “Were you expecting me to bring her?”

“Kinda sorta.” He answered like a kinda sorta brother-in-arms.

I looked back to Maud. “Well I kinda sorta thought you knew you were invited. I’ve never gotten to see you drunk anyway.”

“Maud doesn’t drink!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“I started drinking.” Maud said flatly.

“Oh.”

Twilight sighed. “Looks like you won’t be having your sister’s slumber party tonight, Pinkie.”

Maud looked to her sister. “Did you plan an event without my knowledge?”

Pinkie smiled. “It was gonna be a surprise!”

Maud looked at me. “You are not staying in Pinkie’s room with me anyway. Your time is yours to do with as you please.”

I raised a brow at her. “We’re going to be living together soon enough, Maud. It’s not like we’ll be missing out on much.”

“I never said that we were.” She answered.

“We’ll have more chances to do a pub crawl with just the two of us or we can do it with friends. I doubt this is going to be the last chance we have.” I said soothingly.

“Gauche, your time is yours to spend.” Maud maintained.

“But you don’t want me to go out drinking.” I stated.

“Maud literally just said it was fine.” Twilight retorted, bewildered.

Pinkie pursed her lips and looked off to the side while Fluttershy nodded to Twilight’s beat. “M-Maud wouldn’t have said it was okay if it wasn’t.”

“She never said it was okay, she said that his time was his to spend, and in Human Female, a special kind of language, that means ‘Don’t go out with the boys and stay at home with me tonight.’” Jay clarified.

“Maud’s a Mare.” Twilight pointed out.

“Is he any less correct?” I asked.

Maud never let her eyes stray from me. “I will be with Pinkie, my sister, and you will be with a strange man in a town you have never been to. Am I wrong to suspect that your night will see its end in another Mare’s bed?”

“Yes.” Jay and I answered at the same time. I gave him a weird look and he said, “It mighta been a custom for dudes to take multiple wives back on Arcadia, but if Gauche is only with you and you’ve been together for a month, then he probably comes from somewhere monogamous. If he’s as old-fashioned as his accent, then dude’s not about to cheat on you.”

“Other than with Furladra.” Maud said, her voice dipping slightly.

“She’s literally the woman I’ve devoted my life to, Maud. I chose you over her, it’s just that when you’re Goddess wants a kiss, you don’t exactly put a finger on her lips and tell her no.” I said uncomfortably.

“You got kissed my a minor God?” Jay asked. “Lucky fucker.”

I gave him a dark look. “I’m so fucking lost as to what she actually wants from me, it’s ridiculous.”

“Fair enough. Maud seems like a pretty good woman.” He said, throwing me an arm-sized bone.

“Bruv, I couldn’t ask for anyone better. She’s smart, sweet, sexy, and you should see her throw a punch. If you’re into a woman who can handle herself,” I pointed at Maud, “she could probably take you.”

“I don’t know what the term for a Mundusian is here, but she feels like a Double A rank at least.” He dropped her glasses a bit and squinted at Maud before blushing and shoving his glasses back onto his face. “Yup, Double A.”

“What’s that mean?” I asked.

“Means I don’t want to fuck with her if we’re standing less than fifteen feet from each other.” He answered wisely.

“Add five feet to that and you would have my effective range.” Maud said proudly.

“Fuck.” Jay said calmly.

“Can we go get ice cream now?” Pinkie asked.

“E-Excuse me?” Fluttershy asked.

“Welp, I’ll see all of you later then, I guess.” Twilight said.

“E-E-Excuse me, but-”

“Farewell, Twilight.” Maud said.

“Fluttershy? You had something you wanted to say?” I asked, garnering everyone else’s attention.

“W-Well… It’s… It’s just that we haven’t found Jay a place to sleep yet…” Fluttershy said nervously.

Jay blushed. “Don’t worry about that, Flutters. I’ve got it covered.”

“What is your plan?” Maud asked bluntly.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” He said, using the age-old adage.

“So you’re camping.” I surmised.

“Well shut up though.” He said, tilting his head at me.

“Th-That’s not necessary! Y-You can stay at m-my house!” Fluttershy offered bashfully, hiding behind her mane. “I-If you want, that is.”

It wasn’t any of my business, so I shut up, but she did get some weird looks from Pinkie and Twilight. “How well do you even know Jay, Fluttershy?”

“W-Well, we met earlier, but he seems like a really nice Pony! He offered to make me a Health Charm to pay me back for making tea and letting him use my shower!”

Jay blushed and scratched his cheek. “I offered to make you a talisman.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You’re a C-Rank Artificer!?”

“B-Rank.” He corrected.

Twilight whipped around and started whispering rapidly to Fluttershy before drawing Pinkie into their little circle. When they were finished, the purple one and the pink one parted to expose the yellow one, whose face was bright pink, her eyes on the ground. “W-Well, i-i-if you w-wouldn’t mind…”

“Wouldn’t mind what, Sweets?” Jameson asked gently.

“W-Well, w-w-would you m-mind making me a ch-charm bracelet instead?”

He frowned deeply. “I wouldn’t mind, but that’s something an amateur does when they don’t know how to make a runeset properly. I can make you a bracelet full of the stuff that would go into the talisman, but it’s going be a little on the shit side since every rune would be based on the size of the charm, and that would probably mean you’d either have duped runes in different charms, or I’m going to have to waste a lot of Magic on filling a bunch of D-Rank runes in the first place.”

I blinked, Maud did her Nod, Pinkie just smiled, and Twilight seemed impressed. “He’s the real deal, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy smiled. “I keep telling you that I’m a good judge of character!”

“Evidently not.” I scoffed. “He was staring at your butt the entire time.” Use it, Bruv.

Fluttershy blushed, despite the truth in the following words. “B-But I was facing Jay the entire time.”

“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t looking. Actually, I was glancing through your very soul~!” Jay wiggled his fingers at her before getting off of the bench. Decent, I suppose. “On that note, it’s time for the party to split up. It was almost nice to meet y’all.”

I passed him the two-finger salute. “It was decent to meet you. I’ve seen worse.”

“You didn’t try and kill me on sight, so I’ve seen worse too.” Jay chuckled. “Have a nice one, Bruh.”

“Walk easy.” I took up a spot next to Maud while her sister and Twilight said goodbye to Fluttershy and her beau.

We ran into Ladesa and Applejack as they were coming out of Sugarcube Corner, and they were casually shoving each other back and forth while laughing about something or other when we got to them, which made it pretty obvious that they were hitting it off as friends pretty well given that they got a chance to know each other. Twilight disappeared to go to her house, and with our group shrinking down to five, Maud, Pinkie, and I all got milkshakes while Applejack and Ladesa continued their conversation about boys/colts and their attachments to weapons, which got Maud to chime in from time to time. Between the three of them taking constant shots and Pinkie giving me silly looks every time she thought no one was looking, my patience wore thin, but there was little that I could do about it other than order the only alcohol they served at Sugarcube Corner, which was a liqueur that was far too sweet to be enjoyable.

We eventually got moving again, but Pinkie convinced Maud to stay with her, and it was clear that there wasn’t any room for me there. I would have tried to hang with Ladesa and Applejack, but I didn’t want to ruin their bonding time by interrupting them and their constant conversation that never seemed to end, so I asked where Twilight’s house was and started my way through Ponyville, though Twilight’s library was only supposed to be a couple of blocks away. It wasn’t a long walk, and the people I passed were generally friendly, but I knew I was being watched, and I caught sight of a tail on my way over to Twilight’s place, so I started up my usual routine of passing by my destination, cutting through alleys, and then waiting behind some sort of container for refuse. The walls in Ponyville were too far apart to climb the usual way, so I just hid behind an excessively large rubbish bin and waited for my pursuer to come to me, and when she did, I slammed her against the wall and pressed my blade against her throat.

“Heya.” I said calmly.

The pale coat and the gentle magenta of her mane definitely helped her appearance along, but her lavender eyes and general facial structure struck me as odd, mostly because she was so damnably attractive. However, the look in those eyes told me that she wasn’t intimidated in the slightest. “Unhand me, you criminal scum!”

“So I’m a criminal, no?” I asked blandly. “Explain my crimes to me.”

That shut her up.

“I’m guessing Celestia’s having you follow me?”

She looked down her nose at me. “Kill me and Celestia will be here within moments.”

“Keep following me and she’ll never find you. I’m going to keep my nose clean, and you’re going to keep your nose out of my business. Capische?” I said, meeting her gaze readily.

“You’re powerless.” The nameless beauty seethed. “I bet you think you’re something tough, handling a Mare like a sack of rocks, don’t you, big colt?”

“I think I want to be left. The fuck. Alone. I really don’t see why that’s a big deal. I leave you alone, you leave me alone. That’s how life works, iddinit? No, it’s not. Which is why I’m going to give you a message for Celestia: Keep sending people after me and bodies start popping up. I don’t like the situation; no one fuckin’ does. Get over it.” I eased up on my tail, but didn’t put my blade away. “Leave.”

She clutched her throat and glared at me. “My orders stand.”

“Then ya might as fu-ckin’ well come along with me like a normal person. We’re going to the library, so c’mon!” I growled, snatching her hand and dragging her out of the alley.

“Unhand me you brute! Help! Help! This Stallion is assaulting me!” She cried, garnering attention as I dragged her along.

“Help! Help! This Mare keeps following me and taking pictures of me!” I shouted louder. “Help! Help!” I mocked.

She started trying to beat my wrist to make me let go, but gauntlet, so she ended up hurting herself more so than me. She didn’t keep yelling for very long, much to my ears’ pleasure, though we did get an awful lot of odd looks when she fell and I didn’t stop dragging her around. Honestly, Unicorns are so physically weak, it barely takes anything to overpower them, and few enough can do more than cast spells like ‘Heat Water’ or ‘Levitate’. I was betting that my current ward was one of the few that couldn't really do anything, so I started feeling bad for picking on the weak and let her go suddenly when we got within thirty seconds of a giant tree in the middle of town, which was supposedly hollowed out.

I whipped around and stared the woman down as she sprang to her hooves and tried to clear the dust from her overly ‘inconspicuous’ clothes. “Now. Are you going to come inside like a normal person, or am I going to have to tie you to me so I don’t have literally drag you around? Because I’ll fuckin’ do it, woman. You can bet your left tit that I’ll fuckin’ follow through.”

She spat at the ground beneath my feet. “I hope you get arrested for something minor and get the maximum sentence!”

“I hope you learn how to properly follow someone.” I shot back scathingly. “Are you going to answer the damned question, or are you going to watch a ‘cwiminal’”, I made it extra patronizing for flair, “go and visit one of the country’s Princesses while armed and pissed off?”

The pale woman somehow grew paler as her pupils shrank. “T-Twilight is innocent! The Mare has done nothing wrong! A-And Celestia-”

“Won’t be able to save either of you if I don’t let her.” I interrupted. “Not only will you fail Celestia, but you’ll fail your whole country and the youngest Princess. All because you pissed off the guy who wasn’t even supposed to know you existed.”

“... If you assassinate Princess Twilight, the entire world will hate you.” The woman informed falsely.

I laughed in her face. “If I killed any of the Equestrian Royal Family, I’d be a man richer than your wildest dreams, Lover. Now; are you coming with me?”

She swallowed hard and glared at me. “You won’t get away with this, you utter cretin.”

I gave her a smile. “When I start doing things-” I thought about it. “Yeah, when I start doing things in general, let me fuckin’ know, ‘cause I ain’t done shit yet, and I’m still being treated like priority number one on the wanted list.”

The Mare just shook her head slowly, her lip curling. “Celestia wouldn’t crack down on an innocent Stallion.”

“Do I look like a Stallion to you? Maybe she’s just racist?”

“As if any of the other races matter inside of Equestrian borders.” She huffed.

“Aww wow, you are some kinda fuckin’ dumb.” I chuckled in amazement. “I really hope that every country on this planet comes to destroy Equestria with someone like Celestia on the throne and citizens like you running amok. This place must be Hæl with a pretty coat of paint.”

She scowled at me. “It’s not Her Majesty’s fault that the rest of the world isn’t able to live in peace and harmony like Equestria-”

“Wanna know somethin’, Lover? Half the Ponies that I’ve met outside of Equestria hate Celestia because she let’s corrupt Nobles do as they please, sides with Aristocunts in most matters, makes laws that bar the lower class from gaining ground, and she heavily taxes wares from extra-Pony countries. Celestia isn’t as nice as you think she is, Lover. The wretch will turn on you the moment you don’t look like you’re doing what she says, and she’ll smile while she fuckin’ does it to keep up appearances.”

“That’s it! This treasonous slander has gone far enough!” The woman yelled loudly. “I will no-”

I spit in her mouth and she choked on it. I patted her on the back as I said, “Bye, dumbarse.”

I made it exactly three and a half steps before my gut told me to made a leap to the right, so I did and a bolt of Magic flew past me and hit some random guy in the chest, knocking him off of his hooves and flooring him in the blink of an eye. Gasps were heard from the same side and across the street as the Stallion’s wife fell to her knees beside him and tried to rouse him. The woman looked horrified as she ran over to check on her accidental victim, which made me want to laugh since she was a right cunt anyway. I wrote out a quick note with some parchment I kept in a pouch and a handy self-contained ink pen that Maud had told me to buy before sending it off to Celestia to let her know exactly what had happened because she’d sent a fool to stalk me.

The pained moans of the Stallion that ate the bolt of Magic meant for me were enough to set the Mare who’d cast the spell into a flurry of apologies, which were all ignored in favour of a growing mobs angry outcries. I heard, “It was meant for him! The Stallion with the black mane!” as I walked away, but it wasn’t my problem. I had books to read, after all.

❖☬❖

Jay and Fluttershy followed cautiously at a distance as Gauche mocked the woman who’d been tailing him, something that Jay had pointed out after coming across Gauche by happenstance while on his walk with Fluttershy. They’d had the intention of just enjoying the sights around town, but when Jay saw a sketchy looking woman in a trench coat follow Gauche into the alley, he’d told Fluttershy to stay back while he did some recon. Jay expected Gauche to outright kill the woman since he’d used Super Sanity to see the blood on his hands as well as Maud’s, but much to his surprise, Gauche just grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the alley, making the mixed guy run for cover to avoid being spotted, though he didn’t know why he was hiding. However, once he’d got Fluttershy to come along with him, they saw the yet unknown Mare cast the spell that had downed the poor Earth Pony Stallion. Jay had seen Gauche spit in her mouth, but Fluttershy had missed that little part of the encounter other than seeing the Mare go from yelling to covering her mouth and spitting many times over the course of a few seconds, and then to assaulting ponies on the street.

“Oh my! Is he okay!?” Fluttershy cried, her heart bleeding for the injured stallion.

Jameson hefted his backpack. “Come on. If she can’t fix it, I might be able to before we have to get him to a hospital.”

Fluttershy looked at Jay, barely paying attention to the fact that he’d taken her hand and was leading her over to the scene of the crime. She did, however, notice that he looked rather handsome when he took charge of a situation, which he did shortly after clearing most of the mob that had formed around the poor fellow. “Oh dear…”

“Hey, I need someone with a crystal battery or a decent MP, ASAP! Is there another Unicorn here?” He called out confidently, his days of patching up his brother’s fellow gang members in sketchy bandos serving him well.

The Mare who’d cast the spell raised her hand along with one other person. “I can-”

Jay jammed a finger in her direction. “Other than casting spells, how can you use your Magic? Can you transfer it?”

“Y-Yes! I can try!” She said quickly.

Jay offered her his off hand and dug around in his bag to pull out his ATD (Artifact Transconversion Device) and looked at the other Unicorn who was stepping forward. “You; Can you teleport a message to the nearest hospital?”

She shook her head. “That’s a lot to ask of a normal pony.”

Jay rolled his eyes before using his ATD to trim around the hole in the man’s shirt to give him more access. “Alright, so I’m doing something highly illegal that no one’s going to say a word about, alright? I’m not trying to get arrested for saving this guy’s life,” Jay focused his Magic and started stealing some from Garrison’s former tail, “so everyone keep quiet about this.”

“What are you going to do!? Is my husband going to be alright!?” Wife Lady asked, barely keeping herself together.

Jay pressed the ATD against a patch of ruddy skin that stood out brightly against the Stallion’s green coat. “He’ll be just fine, Ma’am. He’ll have a scar, but he’ll be good as he was a few years ago here in a minute.”

As it was, the Stallion was struggling to breathe and was getting paler by the second, but as Jay made the man bleed, his color started returning, and after a minute and five seconds, he was breathing easily, the excess Magic having been drained from his system via Blood Magic. When the fellow’s burned chest started to heal, the man almost got to scratching before Jay called out for two strong Earth Ponies to hold his hands down before he could cause more scarring than he was already going to have, but it’s not like the fellow was struggling terribly hard after he became conscious. Groggy and more than a bit loopy, the fellow took his time in sitting up, but in the end, he was going to make it to see another day. Jay advised the couple to go to the hospital anyway just to check and see if he was going to be fine, so they thanked him again and had a crowd of people helping the Stallion get his footing- Er, Hoofing as they walked along.

The woman who’d caused all the kerfuffle didn’t escape, but that was mostly because Jay never let go of her. The rest of the veritable mob made sure that she wasn't going anywhere until the police came, and when Fluttershy tapped Jay on the shoulder, she just had to say, “That was really brave of you, Jay. T-Taking charge like that…”

Jay smirked and pulled his collar down, exposing two scars similar to that in which he’d given the injured Stallion. “When you know how to heal, it’s less of a choice and more of a responsibility, Darling Starling. Isn’t that a part of the reason why you look after so many animals?”

Fluttershy blushed at Jay’s words. “A-Am I the D-Darling S-Starling?”

“Well, they are some pretty birds, and I’ve noticed that a lot of them have yellow feathers.” Jay said, letting her focus shift where it pleased.

“O-Oh… J-Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“... W-Why are you b-being so n-nice to me?” She asked hesitantly.

Jay took a deep breath and sighed. “... To be honest with you, I think I’m hopin’ that you’ll fall for me like the other Fluttershy did. I see her in you, and it’s like looking at a furry, somehow cuter version of the woman who had the most of my heart, and I wanna start somethin’ new with you, see where it goes. Sorry for trying to get close too quick, it’s just-”

“J-Jay?” Fluttershy asked, making Jameson stop cold.

“Yeah?”

“... I think you’re really nice.”

“... But?” Jay asked, his heart aching a little, having a feeling about what was coming.

“... I’m not your Fluttershy.” She said softly.

“You don’t have to be her. You’re your own woman, Flutters.” Jay replied.

“... But… Don’t you want your Fluttershy?”

“Of course I do, but I have severe doubts that I’ll ever see her again, and I’ve had those doubts ever since the Everfree swallowed me up for a couple weeks. I wasn’t expecting to ever see her again, Flutters. Wasn’t really expecting to see another soul again.”

Fluttershy thought about what he’d said and I gave her the brainpower to think about it a little harder since Ponies are actually dumber than the fuck sometimes. She furrowed her brows and pouted, her mind raveling and unraveling the meaning behind what Jay had said, and what he’d basically told Fluttershy was ‘I like you for you, and I know I like you for you, but I like another you for you too.’ and that was rather confusing for the poor Mare. She didn’t quite grasp that she was still a different person entirely to Jay and that he’d seen a few of her own personal quirks that made her seem less like his Fluttershy, having gone with the assumption that every Fluttershy was the exact same. She took a look at that assumption and decided to ask him about it.

“... Jay?”

The patient fellow blinked a few times, having spaced out himself. “Yes, Flutters?”

“... I-Is your Fluttershy e-exactly like me?”

He shook his head. “No. Your lips are slightly larger, fuller than her were and your physiques are similar, but you’re a bit slimmer than she was. You’re both shy, but my Fluttershy was more ‘play coy’ than outright bashful, if you know what I mean there. I can tell that you have a little confidence, but my Fluttershy was a bit of a doormat unless I or one of her friends was in danger. I haven’t spent too much time with you, but even the way you walk and your voices are different enough to make me certain that I’m looking at a different woman.”

“Oh.”

Jay gave her a gentle smile. “Should I be apologizing?”

“O-Oh no, no… You’re… I-It’s just that… Help me out here?” Fluttershy asked, sighing.

“You don’t really know what to make of a guy who’s practically already in love with you when you’ve barely known him for a day?”

“... Well, yes. That’s pretty much it…”

He shrugged. “There isn’t much I can do about that, Starling.”

Fluttershy blushed and curled a lock of her mane around a finger. “... I like that nickname.”

“I like this date.” He teased.

She grew rosier and glanced at him. “I-Is th-this a d-d-d-d-date?”

“Do you want it to be? Let me enchant you, Fluttershy. I’m sure you’ll only regret it when I’m talkin’.” He gave her a wink, turning on a bit of his goofball charm.
“... It can be… I-If you want!” Fluttershy blurted.

“It’s up to you, Fluttershy. I think we both know what I’d prefer, but I can deal with just being friends.” Jameson lied through his teeth. Both he and I knew that he’d be pining for the sweet little alien in front of him by the end of the week, and would probably stop staying at her house as soon as possible if she turned him down.

“I-I’ve never been on a r-real date…”

“I’ve still got the bits Gauche gave me for hooking him up. What do you say we find a place that serves a decent fish taco?”

Fluttershy’s eyes lit up. “You like fish too?”

Jay gave her a look and a smile. “I love fish. Fried, baked, grilled; you name it, I’ll probably eat it.”

“There’s a place in town that serves the best tuna steak you’ve ever had! I-If y-you care to go…” She started strong and finished meekly, just like most Fluttershys would have. It was cute.

Jay thought so too. “If you’re recommending it, then it has to be good, right? With your tongue for tea, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were just as picky with your food.”

Fluttershy blushed. “I-I’m not that picky…”

“So if I pan fry you some potatoes and stir fry some garden veggies for breakfast, you’d be perfectly fine with that?” He asked, gauging her response.

Fluttershy drifted off at the thought of a shirtless Jay rocking a manly black apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ on the front, serving her the dish he’d specified. She could almost taste the peppers he would mischievously slip into her food and she could see them both laughing as she doused her mouth with milk once her meal was done since Fluttershy actually liked mildly spicy things. After about thirty seconds with no answer from Fluttershy other than a contented sigh, Jay waved a hand in front of her face and gave her a knowing smirk.

“I’m guessin’ it sounds pretty good?” He asked.

She flushed quickly and nodded rapidly. “Yes!”

Jay chuckled and offered her his hand. “I’ll keep that in mind if I get up before you.”

Fluttershy was very tempted to let him borrow her alarm clock so he could make her daydream a reality, but she let her shyness get in the way of her ultimate goal of getting the handsome stranger shirtless in her kitchen. She resolved to make it happen one day, but maybe that day didn’t have to be today.

❖☬❖

With a fool in my wake, I entered Twilight’s library and had a look at what went on inside of hollowed out trees. Apparently a lot of reading went on and not much else, because when I walked into one of the weirdest rooms I’d ever seen filled with all manners of strange devices, I saw a young purple Dragon reading some kind of picture-based book at the table. I didn’t want bother him quite yet since I didn’t know who he was, so I took my snoopy-doopy-doing into another room, which was the actual library itself. Due to my schedule being filled with shit, shit, and no shit at all, I started pondering which book I should go to first. There were plenty of them in the shelves that were built into the house itself and even more on standing shelves that filled the middle of the room, so I started with the ones on the outside of the room, but a lot of books were dedicated to historical events and non-fiction in general that made me bored just by browsing the titles. It didn’t help that I wasn’t necessarily the most avid reader when it came to most things, though my interest could be grabbed, piqued, and then sent to a glorious climax by the right motivator.

The trick, however, was to find something that I actually gave two shits about.

I’d done a little reading on the history of Equis as a whole, so I knew about the Discordian Wars, the Naga Horde, the Dragon Riots, a couple of Pony civil wars, and a bit of the Dog’s bloody power struggles in between different breeds, though there’d been little on the Cats since The Great Sands were awfully hostile to anything that wasn’t fond of heat, like Cats, Dragons or Naga. In other words, Equestrian history was so unreliably faked from the few books I’d picked up that there was no point in reading any of them further than the Joining of the Three Clans, which was a point in time where all three species of Ponies finally banded together and left a perma-winterized wasteland instead of trying to eke out an existence in a place where food would grow, the weather was always shit, and the Sun rarely rose.

With a little extra frustration added to my mind, I had to ‘stop’ and think in one of the isles, pacing as I went along. What did I really want to do? Was I looking for Twilight so I could further patch up my relationship with her, or was I actually looking to learn something? I decided that I could do both by asking Twilight to teach me something useful, thusly remembering that ‘she’ had summoned me with the intent to find a student of some kind. I hoped that she was talking Magic as far as the tutoring went, because it would be handy to have a little extra firepower. I mean, Rangers weren’t exactly known for having peaceful jobs, and I knew of a lot of Araluen Rangers that were ridiculous shots, simply inhuman, with a bow and I knew of far more Avalesch Rangers that could reliably shoot a snaphance up to about two hundred and fifty feet. Hæl, Captain Flint herself could cap someone’s hat (And possibly their pate, depending on if they’re shooting back at her.) from about a hundred yards with a flintlock, but I was going on about the dangers of being a Ranger, no?

Rangers… They don’t have it easy. A lot of guards go their entire lives without having to take someone else’s, but a Ranger? It’s almost guaranteed, and that’s just training. Will Charter, a Ranger I’ve mentioned before, told me himself that he didn’t know of an Araluen Ranger that hadn’t had to kill someone before, and Araluen was supposed to be one of the most peaceful countries outside of Tsuka. Shit was just the nature of the job, which was why a lot of Rangers either went for a full stealth approach for any of their missions, or kept at least a secondary snaphance on them, just in case they either ran out of arrows or had to make a quick shot from a close range. Yes, most Rangers were marksmen, but guns just aren’t as reliable as the bow, and the closest thing I’d seen to a gun on Equis was the thing that Jay had pulled out of his bag. It had a handle and something that looked kind of like a barrel, but it was neither round, nor did he load it, so I wasn’t that worried about the little ordeal.

With my mind made up, I decided to go back into the kitchen and bother the young Dragon from the doorway by way of saying, “‘Scuse me, Bruv, but could you lend me a hand?”

The Dragon jumped in his seat and snapped his book shut, slapping it down on the table. “I wasn’t reading it, I was just- Uh- trying to see if it was suitable for a younger audience! Yeah! That’s it!”

I blinked at him. “Can you help me find a book on Magicks? I need something for someone who’s starting out with the basics.”

The Dragon rose from his chair and I took in his appearance. Unlike most Dragons, he actually wore a shirt, though he skipped the trousers entirely. I would have placed him at about five feet tall, and according to the anatomy books I’d read while healing up from Odysseus’ beating, I could gather an estimate on his age, placing him around fifteen since Dragons grew about four inches a year after hatching. Something else that set the fellow apart from the rest of the Dragons I’d met was the luster of his scales, which was pretty negligible, all things considered. It was a telltale sign of a poor diet in a Dragon, and by that I mean he probably wasn’t eating enough red meat and gems to give his scales the proper hardness that a scaly fuck such as himself should maintain, but it wasn’t like it was my problem.

I examined him as he spoke, but it’s not like I was openly staring at him while he said, “Oh! What kind of Magic are you trying to learn?”

I thought back to what Furladra herself had told me. “Umm… Wind Magic?”

“I know just where to find that! We have a few books on Elemental Magicks in general, but Wind is one of the less popular ones. It’s been pretty well researched though!” He said quickly, likely either trying to gain my approval or make me think more of him.

I had to admit, the little guy was starting to remind me of Stephan, one of my younger Gadais. The kid always wanted my approval on everything he did, so I was careful with him as to keep him humble yet confident. I figured a similar approach would work with my new friend. “Hopefully we don’t have to look too hard, no? And what’s your name, by the way? I don’t think we’ve introduced ourselves.”

He gave me a toothy grin and tapped his chest with a thumb. “I’m Spike, Golden Oaks’ number one Library Aid!”

“... Is that anything like a Scribe?” I asked.

“... Kinda? I don't think anyone’s actually been a Scribe in like, two hundred years, Dude.”

“Apparently my world is about two hundred years behind yours as far as technology and culture goes. I swear, some of the things Equestrians wear!” I fanned myself, my eyes widening.

“Oh, so you’re kinda like Princess Luna, Mister…?”

“Garrison. Garrison Varas, though most people here on Equis call me Gauche or Gauche Suede.” Well, no one really kept the ‘Suede’ part, but I was hoping that I could get Spike to add it back on.

“Alright, Gauche,” Dammit, “why don’t we go find a couple of books for you?”

“Sounds good. Say, do you know where Twilight is?”

He furrowed his brows for a moment before they shot up. “You’re Gauche! You’re the guy Twilight summoned to be her student!”

I gave him a slow nod, wondering if he was slow himself. “That I am.”

“She’s up in her room if you wanna go get her, but I think she said that she was taking a nap.” Spike said dubiously. “I don’t know what kind of nap has someone moaning and groaning like they’re aching all over, but I’m not Twilight.”

My face flushed as I realized that he’d most likely heard her in the middle of some acts that I didn't want to know about. “Yeah, don’t go in her room if you hear... That. Women sometimes do that to work out knots in their muscles and stuff.”

“Why would she need to be in her room to do it if Mares do it in general?”

“Would you want to be heard moaning and groaning like you’d lost your mind?”

He took far too long to think about that. “... I guess not.”

“Right? Let’s go find that book and let Twilight work out whatever knots she needs to.”

“Books, and sure. You know it’s not just gonna be a one-size-fits-all kinda book, right? I mean, with Elemental Magicks, it’s really tricky to find your specific attunement, like whether your more suited to active type spells, passive spells, boons and wards, or Celestia forbid, combat Magic. Come to think of it, most Unicorns don’t even realize that they have Elemental Magic until they go in for a full physical when they become a grown-up, and no offense, but you don’t look like you just became an adult.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’d hope not since I haven’t been a boy in thirteen years.”

Spike’s jaw dropped. “Dude, how old are you!? You only look like, twenty-something!”

“I’m twenty-six.” I said flatly.

He gave me a funny look and started counting on his fingers. “... But… You gotta be eighteen to be an adult, and sixteen is marrying age with parental consent, so… How?”

“Marrying age was thirteen back in Avalesce, and most of Terra for that matter. Birre’ Scha’s legal age was ten.”

“Holy moly! That’s weird! Ponies younger than me got married in your country!?”

“Yeah.” I said frankly. “Generally to people about three or four times their age.”

“... That is so creepy. So very creepy.” He rubbed his arms.

I shrugged. “It’s life. Books or no?”

“Books. Definitely books.” Spike shuddered and we went into the actual library portion of what I assumed to be Twilight’s actual house at this point, but I didn’t really understand how a Princess was living in a hollow tree filled with books rather than in a castle or keep of some kind, but Equestria was proving to be weird and full of thin veils that were easily brushed aside to reveal more frustrating, more bullshit things that hid under a coat of happy smiley garbagè.

I wasn’t getting paid to think about that shit, and it wasn’t doing anything other than adding to the mounting headache I was experiencing so I stopped trying to make sense of the inane and started trying to give a shit about Spike’s lecture on Elemental Magic. “So Wind Magic is like, super fickle, right? It’s supposed to be the second hardest of the Elemental Magicks to learn, right under the stuff like Lightning and Magma-based Magic, but don’t let that discourage you! There’s a lot of good uses for Wind Magic, like cooling hot stuff quickly, making mini-tornados to… Well, Twilight tried to use one to clean up one day, but that ended pretty badly… There’s also… Um…” He struggled to find another use for Wind Magic.

“... Can you use it to blow things away?” I asked.

“That’s pretty much all it’s useful for to be honest with you.” Spike sighed. “I don’t know why you’d want to, but it’s not like I can use the stuff myself, so I never really bothered to research it.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine.” I watched as he grabbed a couple of books from a low shelf that I was never going to actually look at.

He checked the covers and looked at me. “Now do you already know how to use your Magic, or are you just starting out?”

“I have no idea what I’m doing whatsoever.” I replied bluntly.

“... Okay. I shouldn’t have expected you to know much about Magic since you’re not a Unicorn or anything, but… Y’know… Ya kinda need to know how to channel your Magic period before you can actually get into using it.”

I stared him in the eyes and gazed into the inky, slitted pools that were his pupils. The slight spark of intelligence I saw there was interesting in its own right, so I maintained deliberate, intense eye contact as I said, “You’re talking to someone from a planet where you have to sell your soul to get Magic unless it’s given to you by a God.”

‘He’s from a different planet?’ “You’re from a different planet?” He asked twice.

“... Why did you ask yourself and then ask me?” I inquired, confused.

‘Is this guy crazy or something? He might be. He is an alien after all.’ “I only asked once, Dude.”

“No, you just did it again. You said I was crazy and then you acquiesced and said it’s probably because I’m an alien.” I said, my brows furrowing as the pieces of the puzzle mashed together, not joining at all.

Spike eyes opened wide. ‘He’s reading my mind!’ “You’re a Mind-Reader!?”

I squinted at him. “Think of a random word. First three things that pop into your mind and don’t say them.”

‘Squeegee, vagina, books- Wait! I didn’t mean to think of that! What if he heard it!? Oh my gosh, what if he tells Twilight!?’ “Eh-heh-heh-heh.” Spike’s formerly green cheeks were now a rosy pinks and he steepled his fingers, not unlike Twilight herself. “... So…”

“Squeegee, skip, books, wait.” I said amusedly.

“... So we’re just ignoring that one?” Spike asked hopefully.

“Spike, you’re a young man. It’s natural to be thinking of women at your age.” I winked at him.

‘Is it natural to feel like slash wanna be one?’ “Right… Just don’t tell Twilight. Please?”

I broke eye contact, figuring that was the source of the knowledge I was gaining against my will. “Twilight won’t hear a word of it from me, but you do know that there’s probably a spell that could do what you want, ri-”

“Talk about it and I’ll roast you.” Spike warned shakily.

I gave him an easy smile. “I won’t tell Twilight about that either since there’s obviously a reason you wanna keep it quiet.”

He nodded and gave me a shifty look. “... You’re not still reading my mind, are you?”

“I think it only works if I’m making direct eye contact, Bruv. It took a few seconds to kick in when I started looking you in the eyes.”

“Good.” He nodded.

“I might be a stranger, but I’m good at keeping secrets, Spike. If you ever want to talk, you’re a Dragon; you’ve seen my face. Drop me a letter and I’ll try and make it face-to-face if I can, and I’ll write you back if I can’t.” I said kindly.

Spike handed me the books he was holding and gave me a tight smile. “... Could I ask you something?”

“Of course. Say the word and it never leaves this conversation.”

“The word… I… Um… Look, I’m not really good with words, but would you mind calling me Naisyn (Ni-sin) in private?”

“I would not, Miss Naisyn.” I said quietly. “It would be my pleasure to make you a little bit happier when I see you.”

Naisyn gave me a little smile. “Thanks, Dude. I know it’s weird, but… Well… You’re only like, the second pony who knows.”

“Who’s the first if it’s not Twilight?”

“Applejack. She caught me doing something and got me to confess everything.” Naisyn said, blushing.

“I’d ask what she caught you doing, but I’m going to make a couple assumptions here and say that if you wanted me to know, you would’ve told me, and if it wasn’t a secret, you wouldn’t have been caught doing it.”

… I’m pretty sure I should start referring to Spike as a ‘she’ since ‘he’ wants to be a girl, and I’m going to have to be careful about getting ‘her’ name right from now on. Naisyn nodded and gave me a bigger smile. “I like you, Dude. You get it.”

I fuckin’ don’t, but I’m not gonna tell you that. I shrugged. “I keep and open mind these days. When you walk into a world full of mythical creatures and Magicks out the wazoo, then you kinda have to.”

Sp- Naisyn gave me an odd look. “What would you have said to someone from your planet? As far as my secret goes?”

“Bully for you, Bruv. Want a pint?” I nodded. “Those exact words. To the letter.”

Naisyn giggled at that, and it was becoming easier to see some of the more feminine mannerisms she displayed. Like Twilight and Maud, Spike generally kept his arms folded like he was trying to show off his chest- FUCK.

I knew I was going to mess it up. In my defense, she looks like a guy, sounds pretty much like a guy (Except a little sweet on the inside.), and introduced herself as a guy. First impressions matter, dammit!

Starting over: Naisyn held her arms like she was showing off a chest she didn’t have, swung her tail like the females of Equis did (Males’ tails don’t move most of the time. Females’ tails are generally doing something, whether it’s bouncing or swaying from side to side.) and when I took the books from her, she held her arms behind her back and rocked side to side with her shoulders leading the motion. After paying a little attention, it should have been obvious that Naisyn was either gay or a Sugarlad, but I didn’t and still don’t think I’d/I’ve ever met someone who actually wanted to be the opposite sex. On a permanent basis, that is. Sure, most people jested with the idea of trying life as a man or a woman for a day, but that was mostly for sex related purposes or had ties somewhere in spousal abuse. Either or.

I didn’t understand Naisyn’s thing at all, but I accepted it as it came, and by doing so I gained a friend who had some interesting insights on Equestrian culture and Twilight herself. I didn’t actually get much studying done, but I did get Naisyn to spend most of her time laughing or trying not to laugh by telling some tame, non-murdery stories that were fit for the most sensitive of Daywalkers and generally just trying to be nice. She was a sweet lass with more in her noggin than I’d originally anticipated, though I wondered how much of it was crammed in there by Twilight and how much she herself had taken the time to learn. Speaking of Twilight, I learned that she was actually the one who hatched Naisyn in the first place and she thusly claimed the title of his big sister, leaving the title of mother to his original birth-giver.

“Why didn’t Twilight’s parents just adopt you?” I asked, confused as I propped myself up against the counter in the kitchen.

Naisyn shrugged from her seat, tapping her ‘comic’ book, though I was curious as to how it was comedic. I assumed that the pictures inside were humorous. “Don’t know, don’t really care to be honest with you. I was hatched in Equestria, but I was apparently laid in Draconia, so I have dual-citizenship anyway. It’s not like it actually matters.”

“Nai, that doesn’t make sense to me. If another child comes into your house, why would you not claim them?”

Naisyn shrugged again. “Suede, it really doesn't matter.”

I nodded and let off. “S’your life, Lover. Mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

I gave her a look. “You know you just said, ‘Yes I mind, ask your question.’, right?”

“There’s your question, and I’m not gonna answer it.” Naisyn huffed, blushing.

I got a chuckle out of that. “So what made you pick Naisyn?”

“As a name?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah… Well… I kinda just made it up out of Ancient Drakesh. It means ‘Absent of Emptiness’.” She explained, a little embarrassed.

“Is it because you feel empty sometimes?” I asked tenderly.

“... Stop reading my mind.” She replied, sounding hurt.

“Nai, you just said your name means ‘Absent of Emptiness’. It’s natural to assume that it’s because you want to be as your name implies.” I gave her an easy-going smirk. “And besides, I haven’t been creepily staring into your eyes, so I can’t read your mind.”

“... Okay, you get too much of it. Seriously, why are you so intuitive?” Nai asked, trading shame for anger.

“Nai, you- Well, let me amend myself before I say something that would hurt your feelings or belittle your struggle.” I folded my hands, interlacing my fingers as I usually did when I opened up. “I know where you’re coming from as far as the emptiness goes. I’ve been struggling with it for a long time, and that chasmic void is evil some days, and others it’s just not so bad. Makes it easier to smile around the people you love, y’know?” I shrugged halfheartedly. “I know it started when I got stabbed right between the shoudler blades in a figurative sense, back when I lost the woman I said I first said I was going to marry. When did it start for you?”

Naisyn shifted in her seat. “... Can we talk about something else?”

“Can Dragons use any other Magic than breathing fire or ice?” I asked, tossing her another topic.

She gave me a grateful smile. “Well, some Dragons can use rituals and spells to some success, and I happen to be one of ‘em! I’m not exactly great with rituals, but I can summon a mid-rank familiar with only two hours of prep time!”

I gave her a look. “Don’t summon me.”

She giggled at that, taking the bait readily. “I dunno, you seem like you could be handy with all that wind-breaking Magic you’re gonna learn.”

It took me a second to understand what she was saying. “I suppose I could learn how to shift the wind, but I’m pretty sure that’s most of what I’ll be doing anyway.”

Nai giggled harder after that. “Ah! It’s even better since you don’t get it!”

“Shut up, Naisyn.” I scoffed.

“Naisyn?” I heard Twilight ask from around the corner.

‘Spike’ paled and I held a finger to my lips. “That you, Twi?”

“I knew that was you!” She came around and stepped into the doorway, looking around. “Who were you talking to?”

“Ah, I keep getting Spike’s name wrong. There was a young Dragoness who looked a lot like Spike, but a little taller and bustier since, y’know, Dragoness. I keep fucking-”

“Can you not curse in front of my little brother?” Twilight interrupted.

“I’ll fuck you.” I pointed a finger at her.

She blushed. “You’ve said that before, haven’t you?”

“What does it mean?” ‘Spike’ asked.

“Don’t worry about it, Lover.” I said casually.

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Don’t tell me you’re hitting on Spike.”

I tilted my head at her. “I’m not a tribad?”

“What’s a tribad?”

“Your equivalent of ‘gay’, which is a horrendous way to use a word that means ‘happy’. I tend to meet a lot of dour homosexuals.” I jested smoothly.

“Well, your home country is Tartarus incarnate.” Twilight said frankly.

“Seriously?” ‘Spike’ inquired, looking at me.

I shrugged. “Never been to Tartarus, so I couldn't tell you. However, Twilight, I need a crash course on some Magic, and Spike here has been telling me that you’re the one for the job.”

Twilight gave me a grand smile. “Well that’s why I summoned you in the first place!”

I rolled my eyes. “Haven’t you met Max?”

“You mean Faith?”

“Wait, the guy who showed up out of nowhere and sent you to Minosia?” ‘Spike’ asked.

“Yes.” Twilight and I answered at the same time.

“His real name is Max?” Twilight queried.

I nodded. “And his real form is Human. I doubt that he comes from Terra since his fashion sense seems to be more Equestrian than anything, or he comes from the future of Terra. There’s any number of possibilities about where he’s from, but still. Max was probably the one who made you summon me, Twi.”

She sighed. “That’s what Applejack said too, and trying to get in touch with Fai- Er, Max, hasn’t exactly gone well for me… I guess he doesn’t need me anymore…”

I snorted. “Lucky you.”
Twilight gave me a pouty look. “Well at least if he was around I could learn more about Equis’ history!”

“He could also tell you about every little thing that’s ever happened since he decided to create the universe.” I said slowly.

Twilight blinked. “... He’s the Creator?”

“One of many apparently!” I said, flinging my arms out to my sides. “Magic~!”

“... What does Magic have to do with anything?” ‘Spike’ asked dumbly.

“My life wasn’t complicated before Magic came into the picture.” I chuckled. “Ah, shit.”

“Hey! What did I just say?” Twilight protested.

“Smear poo on your books?”

“Ewww.” She and Spike chorused.

“Guess I wasn’t listening.” I cleaned one of my ears.

“You’re just an ass.” Twilight said flatly.

“I think it’s just you. He’s been cool since he came in.” ‘Spike’ defended.

“Thanks, Lover.”

“Okay, really now: it doesn’t strike as odd, at all, to call a guy ‘Lover’?” Twilight asked with her perplexity growing steadily.

“Nope. What about you, ‘Spike’?” I asked.

‘He’ shrugged. “I don’t mind. Little gay though. Just a little.”

I shook a fist at him. “I’ll give ya a right wallopin’, I will.”

‘Spike’ giggled. “Oh, shush!”

“Okay, after hearing that I kinda get it.” Twilight said, making a bit of a face.

“Hear what?” Her little ‘brother’ asked.

“Hearing you say ‘Oh shush!’ like a Mare. It kinda makes me wonder~” Twilight teased.

Naisyn sighed and shook her head. “I’m not gay, Twilight.”

“Oh, I’m just teasing, Spikey-Wikey! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” She said, sounding far too amused for it to come out any sort of genuine.

I caught Twilight’s eye and gave her a dirty look as Naisyn said, “Yeah, yeah, it’s cool. It’s getting late, so I’m gonna call it a night. See ya in the morning, Twi.” She said, putting on a fake smile.

Twilight should have fuckin’ caught the levels of bullshit that were behind that smile, but she’s an actual dunce. “Goodnight, Spike. Love you~”

“Love you too.” Nai replied, her voice a little strained as she passed her sister.

Twilight looked back to me with confusion on her face, which quickly turned to shock when she saw the look I was giving her. “What? What did I do?”

I rolled my eyes and pressed the middle knuckle of my index finger to my mouth, trying to sort my words. “... Twilight. Are you dumb?”

She gave me an incredulous look. “I’d most certainly-”

“Bitch, I said are you fucking dumb?” I said through grit teeth.

Twilight took a step back. “... No?”

“Wrrrong. I suggest you don’t make another comment about ‘Spike’s femininity or apparent fuckin’ gayness unless you wanna twist the fuckin’ knife. That kid left the room with tears in those eyes.”

“Spike was fine.” Twilight said, scoffing and waving my simmering fury aside. “He’s just a little sensitive is all.”

I inhaled and steepled my fingers, pressing them against my sternum. “It’s not a matter of being sensitive; it’s a matter of being different, and having the person who raised you not see it. Ask Spike what he talked to me about while you were upstairs ‘working out knots’ and quoth ‘napping’,” I hit her with air quotes that were damn near tangible, “and hope that he can open up to you. Because honestly? Fuckin’ honestly? I’m ready to deck you right now, and it’s because you’re either blind, or you’re dumb. You either can’t see at all, which would be a pretty decent excuse right now, or you are mentally ill.”

Twilight didn’t really know how to respond to that. “... I don’t really know how to respond to that.”

“Don’t bother. Talk to ‘Spike’ in the morning and I’ll consider it a personal favour.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and looked at me, so I stared into her eyes as she said, “I, out of anypony, would know if something’s wrong with Spike-”

“So if Applejack was spending extra time with ‘Spike’, you would know the reason?” I challenged, making a guess.

‘...How does he know about that…?’ “Who told you that they spend time together?”

“No one. I took a shot in the dark with information I already had.” I answered cryptically.

‘Wait, what are they doing if Gauche is only guessing about it? What did Spike tell him?’ “... So you don’t know what they do when they’re alone?”

I shook my head. “I don’t, and I know you don’t. ‘Spike’ didn’t tell me everything, but he told me enough, and he asked me to keep our little heart-to-heart secret.”

‘Maybe I can weasel some more information out of him if I try the cute and concerned angle!’ “Gauche, I’m really starting to get concerned here…” She said, batting her eyelashes at me woefully, though she was not as good at it as Aria had been. “What if Spike needs me and I can’t get him to open up?”

I gave her a look. “Then you’ll have a lot more luck asking Applejack than you will me.”

‘Darnit! Maybe I can try sexy and-’ Twilight thought, opening her mouth and ‘subtly’ adjusting her posture to try and make her bust stand out more.

“That’s not going to work.” I said flatly.

“Wh-What’s not going to work?” She asked awkwardly, straightening up with a blush.

“I read body language and facial expressions too well for you to bullshit me, Twilight, and I’ve kept more secrets than days you’ve been alive. Believe me you when I say that I’ll take the vast majority with me to the grave, and if ‘Spike’ doesn’t confess ‘his’ ‘himself’, then you’re not hearing it from me.”

“Why do you keep putting emphasis on Spike’s name?” Twilight asked, finally having caught on.

“Ask ‘Spike’.” I replied drolly, scooping up my books from the table. “I’ll read these and be back tomorrow. I don’t know how long we’ll have for me to actually learn Magic, but I’ve already got a little of it down.”

“A little? What all can you do?”

I looked her dead in the eye and waited four… three… two… one… A second longer than it took for Spike. “Read minds.”

She rolled her eyes. “Only Unicorns and certain Shamans can do that.” ‘Can you really though?’

“No not really.” I deadpanned.

Twilight made a horse-like noise with her lips and it made me crack up because it was so accurate!

❖☬❖

Can you really blame me? It’s fucking hilarious!

❖☬❖

When I finished laughing, Twilight was tapping her hoof on the floor, which was an odd motion because pretty much every race on the planet had to raise their entire leg to do that, and she was no different, though that would make it normal… Fuck it, it’s odd to me. “Are you quite done?”

“Aw, shite! You know ponies do that on Terra too, right? Like, little horses. They make that noise.” I gasped for air.

“Aren’t Ponies animals on your planet?”

“Can you whinny?” I wheezed.

She fuckin’ did it and my shit was found somewhere over in Minosia because I completely lost it before remembering that I’d heard Dagger Fall bray. Meanwhile Twilight just gave me this half amused, half irritated look. “Whenever you’re done, you can take your leave. I think I’ve had enough of being nagged and laughed at for one night.”

I stopped laughing. Ice cold in a second. “If I need to nag you to get you to actually pay attention to Spike, then you’re gonna regret summoning me in the first place. I might not be an old woman, but I can fuckin’ nag.”
“Please don’t.”

I pointed a judicious finger at her. “Don’t make me.”

“You realize you’re talking down to a Princess, right?”

“I’ll stick up for a friend any day of the week, all comers accepted.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “... Guess I’ll talk to Spike in the morning. When should I expect you?”

“Eh, noon sound good to you?”

“Sorry, what I meant to say was I’ll talk to Spike in the afternoon. We don’t get up before eleven around this house.”

“So you stay up all night?” I asked, sensing a fellow Night Owl.
Twilight nodded, but her smiles were done for the day, so I saw myself out of her house and headed for the south side of town, where Applejack’s farm was supposed to be. I tried not to think as I walked, but as luck would have it, I stayed stuck in my head for most of the walk, though when I got to Applejack’s house, the lights were still on. I knocked instead of letting myself in and found Ladesa and Applejack sitting in the living room while Applejack’s Grandmother had been the one to answer the door. I didn’t stay and talk long, although Granny Smith was a treat, and the mood was good. However, no one asked me to stay any longer than I wanted and I got a room to myself with a pretty good bed inside, so with the fourth or fifth longest day in my life (It was fuckin’ up there.) over with, I tried to sleep.

How’s the saying go? ‘There’s no peace for the wicked’. I just so happened to fit the description. Who knew, though? Maybe the little extra life I would get from my sped up healing (I’m just going to call it a healing factor or something from now on.) would give me five or so good years where I could be purely altruistic?

Ha… If only if only...

Author's Note

Another chapter down.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Twelve: How's It Go Again?

Chapter Twelve: … How’s It Go Again?

I barely managed to get any sleep at all before there was a old, young woman with fiery red hair shaking me like a loon, trying to rouse me to get out of bed. She got shoved via hand to the face for her actions, but Ladesa managed to get me up and moving for the day, though I severely needed a cup of coffee, and I hoped beyond hope that there would be honey to go along with it. Thankfully, Granny Smith was also fond of honey in her coffee, though when I asked if she’d ever been a Ranger, she denied it readily and stated that she was never sneaky enough to be something like that. McIntosh, Applejack’s older brother, was happy to keep his silence during breakfast, which was something I mirrored while Ladesa, Applejack, and Apple Bloom (Applejack’s younger sister) filled the early morning with a constant, droning chatter that was only cut up by loud laughter and horrendous snorting. Ladesa and Applejack talked the most, however, but it didn’t seem like anyone actually minded.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that they were either two peas in a pod or sleeping together. Either one.

With that fun little thought in my mind, I made it through the fantastic Apple Family breakfast with only one instance of falling asleep where I sat, though when I did that, I was instructed to go and take a nap by Granny rather than staying up through my exhaustion. I assured her that I would be fine after filling my stomach with her wonderful cooking, but after breakfast, I passed out while sitting on one of the worn, comfortable couches in the living room while Applejack and Big Mac figured out what Ladesa and I would be doing to earn our breakfast, rather than letting me just pay for it. I didn’t particularly mind, and I minded even less when Applejack told me that I had to nail some shingles to the roof. I like hammers because they’re useful, and nails are fine because they can be put into plenty of things, and as an added bonus, Applejack’s house provided an excellent view of the surrounding area.

Once I woke up from my little cat-nap about an hour after everyone else got moving, I got my duties for the day from Granny (She repeated them for me since I was a little brain dead) and started limbering up for the climb onto the roof. I had to find a ladder in the barn rather than trust the old structure to let me get up on it from the porch, but I wasn’t exactly worried about falling through the ceiling/roof since Applejack and Big Mac were both considerably heavier than me due to their status as Earth Ponies. Maud was also heavier than me and it was a little difficult to pick her up, and by a little, I mean I couldn’t carry her like a Prince would a Princess from the fae tales from my homeland, though neither of us really needed that in our lives.

The weather was nice and mild in Ponyville as compared to the constant heat in Grey Grotto, and the air was definitely sweeter, more floral than any in Grey Grotto had been. Apparently Ponies loved their flowers, and even more of them loved the apples that surrounded the farmhouse on every side because the acres of orchard, not farmland, spread for a good while in all directions. It was a nice, peaceful view that I had to abandon all too soon since the roof started getting lime-suckingly hot while I was still on it, though I’d made short work of my task. After re-shingling the roof, which was odd in and of itself because I had to nail the damn things down instead of cementing them in place with mortar, I got the ladder back into the barn and went inside to ask Granny Smith a few questions.

I found her sitting peacefully, sharpening a rather worn-looking hunting knife that I was hesitant to call anything other than old. I imagined that she’d probably kept the damned thing for a long time. “Heirloom, or just a lifelong friend?”

Granny Smith started, her blade rasping over her whetstone gratingly. “Oh, shoot! Didn’t see ya there, Sonny!”

I offered her an easy smile. “I didn’t mean to spook ya, but I just had to ask.”

“Ask what?”

“Your knife. Was it passed down to you, or is it a personal item?” I inquired patiently, though I didn’t have much experience with the elderly. Most people don’t make it past thirty in Capersport, twenty or so in Maric, and if you were dumb enough to live there? Average age in Hell’s Kitchen was less than twenty, though that’s because it’s ran by teens and psychopaths. All in gangs, but I digress.

“Ah... “ She sheathed the blade, and the sheath too was old, its rough leather not striking me as terribly interesting. “It’s jus’ an old story I’m sure ya don’t wanna hear.”

“Any knife with a story is one that’s been used.” I commented idly.

Granny Smith chuckled. “Ain’t exactly dim, are ya?”

“I survive by being attentive. I’d like to hear the story, if you don’t have anything else for me to do, that is.”

She gave me a toothy grin that seemed a little odd for some reason. Then her teeth jutted out of her fucking mouth! At my dumbstruck look, Granny started laughing. “Gotcha there! Do ya still wanna hear the story?”

I blinked a few times. “... Yeah?”

She grinned again and I cautiously had a seat nearby as she started her tale. “Now, ta be honest with ya, I wasn’t really expectin’ ya ta come in so soon, and that’s the only reason I had Wind Song out in the first place.”

I tilted my head at her. “Is it enchanted with Wind Magic?”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Good guess, or do ya know somethin’ I don't?”

“It’s called ‘Wind’ Song.” I said slowly.

Granny gave me a look. “I might be old, but I still know how ta bust an ass an’ tan a hide in the same swing.”

I raised my hands. “Don’t beat the backtalker, just give him a time-out.”

She snorted derisively. “You don’t seem like the type to learn from a time-out.”

“Tch. Learn better from a time-out than a beating. I’m more of a nomad, though I guess it’d be nice to settle down.”

“Eh. It’s nice an’ all, but I miss the glory days.” She sighed.

“With Wind Song?”

“Didn’t always have her, but she was a good partner when I needed her. Care to hear about some history nopony wrote down?”

“Ooh, that’s the best kind!” I breathed, hooked instantly, giving her my full attention.

Granny gave me an odd look for that. “Don’t tell me you’re a history buff.”

“I’m a sucker for a good story that needs to be passed down from mouth to ear, y’know? Nothin wrong with written history, but the most interesting tales are the ones that come from people like us.” I maintained.

She nodded. “I don’t think we’re much alike, but I hear ya, Sonny. Now let Granny Smith tell ya about the Pioneer Paladins…”

And so Granny launched into a tale of a group of people who were basically Rangers, but without longbows to make them a threat from a long range. The Pioneer Paladins were Earth Ponies who wanted to colonize the surrounding areas about the Everfree while not actually going into the Everfree itself, claiming the land from the Buffalo Tribes in what was a bloody conflict from beginning to end with throwing axes from each side flying alongside crossbow bolts and arrows aplenty, both sides taking casualties as Granny’s family did their best to strike it out in unfamiliar territory. Granny’s family won in the end, but Wind Song, her father’s old knife from the conflict, was passed down to her since her oldest brother had died in the conflict as well, so Granny just held onto the token and the story for prosperity’s sake.

I thanked her for the tale and thanked her again for her time, but Granny was more eager to see my knife and hear the tale behind it since I carried it around all the time, no matter what I was doing, so I traded her a story for a story. Mine began with a freshly made Varas taking stock of his coffers at the Guild, only to find that a knife he’d never seen before topping his piles of shillings. To switch back to the first person narrative, I took the knife, as beautiful as it was, to Desmond to have it appraised and to check if it was someone else’s. As it turned out, the Warbling Blade was supposed to be a Guild heirloom, passed down from Varas to deserving Varas, the last owner of the knife having been Mercer himself. I was supposed to be the best knife fighter at that given time, so the ebony handled, Thesuvian steel piece was given to me as a prize for being a capable thief and as well as a dangerous one.

“So we’ve both got ourselves an heirloom, don't we, Sonny?” Granny chuckled, a gleam in her eye as she studied me.

I nodded. “I don’t think that my little knife is enchanted like yours is, but it’s worthy nonetheless.”

“Yours might not be enchanted, but it sure is a pretty piece.”

“Eh, pretty only counts for so much. Would you like to see it for yourself?” I offered her the sheathed blade.

“Why not?” Granny asked casually, taking the knife from me for all of two seconds before dropping it and covering her ears. “Ah!”

“Granny? What’s wrong?” I asked.

She brushed the knife off of her lap and glared at it. “What in Tartarus is wrong with that thing, Gauche? I ain’t never heard a’ nothin’ screamin’ when ya pick it up!”

“... Um…” I picked the knife up from the floor cautiously and examined it. “... It’s never screamed before, but then again, you’re the first person to touch it in a few years other than me. Guild equipment might be enchanted for all I know.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me, iffin’ it really is some type a’ heirloom.”

I shrugged. “I’ll have to ask my Goddess about it sometime-”

“You worship a Goddess?” Granny
asked quietly, looking around shiftily.

I leaned in and dropped my voice.
“Yeah? You know what the Gods are?”

“... Ain’t supposed to say more than I
already have.” Granny confessed. “Empress
Diliculum wants her name out of the books, so I keep her quiet, but if you worship too…”

I perked up at the mention of an Equisian Goddess. “There are Gods on this planet?”

“There are, but they don’t wanna be
worshipped. The only one I know of is Her Majesty, the Empress of Solstice Circle.”

“... Hmm… Doesn’t sound like one of my Gods. Furladra, the Goddess I serve, is very fond of her offerings.” I said quietly.

“How do ya give her offerin’s?”

“Scratch her symbol into a soft slab of something, whether wood or stone it matters not, and you chant the mantra. It helps to have other people help you with the chant, but still. She’ll take most of what you have to offer.”

“Ah, so what does she give in return?”

I bobbed my head from side to side. “Follow the rules and she grants you protection. Fail to follow the rules and you’ll get nothing.”

“I see… So do ya wanna help an old nag pray ta her Goddess, or would ya rather get on with your day?” Granny Smith asked.

“Let’s see what we need to do.” I answered cautiously.

“I already got the offerin’ baked, I just need your help with the Seal.”

I didn’t know what kind of offering needed to be baked, but apparently I was going to find out. On our way to the kitchen, Granny offered to let me have a few of her tarts to give to Furladra and I accepted them, trading her a few silver drachs that I had kept from the exchange while she happily hummed along and started icing her tarts in an odd pattern. The symbol looked strange, but it was easy enough to copy over to a few more tarts, and when I had the three made for Furladra, I used the icing tool to paint Furladra’s Seal onto them. We chanted for Diliculum first, and then for Furladra, but we both just had a good time of it once our offerings disappeared and praised our Goddesses for their general geniality.

Granny sent me off with promises of more offerings to be made and sent off as long as I helped make them, and I started by walking outside, scratching Diliculum’s Seal in some dirt, and sending her a few more of my coins to curry a bit of favour with her in hopes of earning a bit of leeway in her eyes. Furladra might be powerful, but Equis seemed to be full of people more powerful than what they were supposed to be, so it came as no surprise to me that there might be a Goddess who rules over the entire Solar System itself rather than just a single planet. I knew my offerings didn’t amount to much, but I thought they were nice gestures as I walked into town to go see Twilight.

❖☬❖

Twilight gave me one of the tarts she was given and it was as good as Granny Smith’s work ever got, which is to say that it was apple-flavoured Heaven in my mouth. Granny really was one of the most capable bakers in history, but I’d had better stuff. Still, the little distraction was nice as I tried to relax and not freak out about my plans possibly going to shit. I resolved to go and talk to Celestia one-on-one, and so I did, popping into Day Court as a commoner with a question.

“Your Majesty, Princess Celestia.” I inclined my head to her.

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “Most ponies choose to bow before me, but I see that you’re of a different breed.”

I corrected my form, settling on my Human suit, and looked at her calmly. “That I am, Celestia.”

Her breath caught in her throat and she glared at me. “What do you want, Max?”

“I want us to have an understanding that isn’t ‘Do what I tell you or suffer horribly for your mistakes’ while maintaining subtle undertones of just that. I’m willing to grant you all manners of boons, but you’ve got to give me reasons to want to give them to you.”

“... What are you plans?” Celestia asked persistently.

“To shift the tides.” I answered enigmatically. “What are your plans with Garrison?”

“Like you don’t alr-”

“Humor me.” I deadpanned.

“... I want him in chains.”

“He’s an ally of yours, you know. You knew of Odysseus, the Minotaur.”

“I know of him, yes. What about that mentally unstable fool?”

“Gauche is the one who put him down.”

Celestia stared at me. “So he is an enemy of Bite-Back?”

“Not quite. He’s not a member, but he is loosely affiliated. He left Minosia because he didn’t want to be one of them.” I answered.

“Why did he kill Odysseus if he was an affiliate? He was an efficient leader and a competent commander at most times.”

“Odysseus made the mistake of crossing Garrison by way of making him eat a Satyr woman.”

“... I can see how that would push one to the brink of insanity.”

“Define ‘brink’.” I scoffed.

“... What is this about, Max? Why are you here?”

“Get off of Gauche’s case. He’s going to end up doing you more favours if you don’t keep an eye on him than if you do, and that’s coming from experience with the guy. When he’s not being followed and generally harassed, he’s generally more open to going out and doing some good.”

Celestia eyed me cautiously. “You want me to leave him be?”

“I want you to actually like the guy. He took down Odysseus and the restaurant that was serving up live Demons as entertainment and food. The guy’s just a valuable ally.” I said truthfully.

She inhaled and sighed. “I wouldn’t know if you were lying, would I?”

“Not if I really didn’t want you to know.” I shrugged. “It’s not in my best interest to lie to you outright anyway.”

“So you say… You know I could have Gauche arrested for putting his hands on and threatening the life of one of my agents, correct?”

“I would rather you not.” I said patiently.

“No threats this time?” She asked sarcastically, testing said patience.

“Take your steps. Feel free to throw away the sword I’ve placed in your lap. The struggles that no doubt lie ahead will only be that much harder with a blade dulled by time, allowed to rust in a dank cellar.” I sighed. “I would have to start again, but that’s all I can do. There’s no point in being so invested in this anymore. Equis will fall if you fail to use Garrison. Equis will fall if you do not take my advice. Equis will fall in time, and the weight rests on two sets of shoulders right now. Care to guess who those people are?”

Celestia steadied her breath. “It has always been Luna and I-”

“Have you just not been listening?” I asked, exasperated.

“... Garrison and I, then.”

“There you go.” I nodded slowly. “Whatever you need to make that guy loyal to you, it’s a good idea to do it. Trust me on that, Celestia.”

“Why should I trust you at all?” She countered.

“... When an Eldritch being that claims to have created the world you live on tells you something is a bad idea and the other option is a good one, how much stupidity does it take to ignore its advice?”
“Discord.” Celestia pointed out.

“What must I do to earn your trust? Because I can tell you certain secrets; warn you of your most threatening enemy that looms at the moment.” I offered.

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “... Who is the current threat?”

“King Herodotus. If you want, you could make one of Garrison’s first missions as a Ranger an assassination.”

“... Could he actually do it?” She asked, knowing my words to be likely.

“He was going to be hired to do it by Bite-Back one way or another.” I answered flatly. “It might be in your best interest to up the bounty on Herodotus’ head soon.”

“I’ll be sure to arrange for the funds to be increased, I suppose. What would I get from allowing Garrison-”

“You’d be preventing a war, saving thousands of your own people’s lives. You don’t need a better reward than that.” I answered irritably.

“What would Garrison’s reward be?”

“The bounty attributed to such a task. You wouldn’t deny him his due, would you?” I asked, brow raised.

“A Ranger would expect no more-”

“You fuckin’ wot.” I interrupted. “You don’t offer rewards and bonus bounties?”

“Few Rangers are actual Equestrians. I refuse to pay them more than citizens of my own country.”
“... So they’re slaves that get the most dangerous jobs.” I said, my voice dangerously level.

“It’s the price of admission.” She said haughtily.

I thought about it for a second. “You’ll pay extra for the mission as a reasonable leader would, and you’ll most likely be surprised as to where most of the money ends up.”

“And if I decide to disobey you?”

“I’ll strip you of your Magic for a week since it doesn’t affect Garrison at all if you struggle. Or I’ll curse you so that anything you try to wear bursts into harmless flames.”

Celestia’s brow furrowed. “What would that accomplish?”

“You’d be naked constantly.” I said flatly.

A blush slowly creeped across her face as she thought of the innumerable blockades surrounding her possible loopholes. “... So you would humiliate me?”

“It would seem to be the best way to get you to learn a lesson.” I replied.

“What would Garrison’s punishment be if he decided to disobey your orders?”

“Eternity in fire and brimstone. Trust me, he’s more screwed than you are at any given moment.”

“Ah. I see.” Celestia said dubiously.

“Trust me, if Garrison disappoints me, then he’d better hope that he can scratch it out on his own. I won’t let you persecute him for no reason, but I won’t protect him from everything.”

“Not much of a loving Creator I see.”

“I love all my creations, it’s just that I have no problem taking my gifts back. Life is more of a privilege than a right most days.” I said casually.

“... It’s odd to hear that the one who created all living things is so callous to the loss of life.” Celestia murmured.

I barked out a harsh laugh. “Celestia, how do you feel about your casualties during war? How did you feel after the first ten thousand? Tell the truth.”

“... I think I understand. You’re the one who sees the most death out of all the beings in Solstice Circle.”

“See it, feel it, comprehend it. When you go over the process of creating over forty universes from scratch, bang to bang, you stop caring as much about... “ I trailed off and inhaled before sighing out my answer. “Everything. Nothing really matters anymore Celestia. Nothing except the plan.”

“... If I help Garrison; not coddle, but help, will you guarantee Equis’ continuation?”

I conjured my Seal, altered as it was due to the passage of time and shrank it down. As it formed and came into the dimension as I willed, I crafted it into a necklace for Celestia, though making it out of gold was probably a bit much. I tossed it to her, and like most lazy arse Alicorns, she caught it with Magic. “Consider that my insurance policy. The boons on that should be enough to keep things running well as far as your little spells go. The more you aid my little boy, the stronger the enchantments get.”

She gave me a dull look. “What’s the catch?”

I smirked at her and started pacing, chuckling. “The catch is that it’ll nullify other enchanted gear since it’s so powerful.”

She gave me an even flatter look. “What else?”

“It’ll only work for you or Luna and it has to be worn during your specific times. If you wear it before sunrise or after sunset, you’re not gonna wanna take it off. Ever.” I gave her a dark grin.

“... I don’t want this. No wise person would ever take this.”

“Ah-ah-ah!” I wagged a finger at her. “Are you sure that an amulet that would grant you a fragment of the Sun’s power wouldn’t be useful?”

Celestia blinked and clutched the amulet to her chest. “... What would Luna receive?”

“A larger piece of the Moon’s essence. That’s all I’ll say on the matter, but should you choose my little deal, I can tell you that there might be room for more bartering in the future rather than brutish assurances.”

“If I take your bribe now, I don't have to worry about getting handled the hard way in the future?” Celestia snorted, her lip curling. “... I don’t have a choice here, Max. It’s by some holy grace that you’ve even chosen to be merciful.”

I spread my hands. “I hate to pressure you into things, but that was most of my experience as both your husband and a Prince. Well, not your husband, but a Celestia’s husband.”

She gave me an odd look. “You married an alternate version of me?”

“I did. She was the first woman I loved when I got transported to her world, and she was the first and only wife I’ve ever divorced.” I crossed my arms and gave Celestia the shittiest of looks.

She didn’t like my attitude, but there wasn’t much she could do about it, frankly. “What does that have to do with me?”

“You suck more than she did in different ways.” I replied drily. “My Celestia would’ve gotten to know Garrison before trying to throw him in jail, and most Celestias don’t swear blood grudges against mortals in the first place.”

White Bitch rolled her eyes. “Sorry for being different.”

“Better be.” I threw a water balloon full of honey at her.

She caught it with her hand and it exploded within her grasp, making her just a little sticky. “... Was this really necessary?”

“I’ll have five of the hottest guys you’ve ever seen in your life come lick it off of you if you want to take a break from Court.” I offered amusedly.

“Why is it going through my clothes!?” Celestia asked, a little distressed. “What in Tartarus is this!?”

“An aphrodisiac, courtesy of a slimey Queen. Tastes amazing if you wanna take me up on my offer.”

The look in her eyes was priceless. “Are you just waiting for a show or something?”

“We can have a dog lick it off. It’s saliva soluble and that’s about it.”

“I hate you so much.” She groaned, trying to keep D’vora’s love juice from touching her nether regions.

“Oh, and Celestia~?” I sang.

“What.”

“Human semen is the best way to cool the heat. Just thought I oughta let ya know.”

“No.”

I left and laughed since it was amusing, though I got reamed by Twilight for essentially making Celestia crave something like proper salami while giving her the person she currently despised most the antidote to her ailment. It was comedy gold to me and Roxy, but Twilight being Twilight was saltier than an ocean and twice as large, which got me hit for just thinking that. It was properly worth it though, and I was glad that I’d been able to get a little of the weight off of my shoulders before looking back to my little hero.

❖☬❖

Naisyn was visibly perturbed when she saw me after answering the door. She had a few choice words for me outside in harsh whispers and I bore them with the full extent of my patience. I’d never been someone to let a secret about myself eat away at me, so I couldn’t really understand where Nai was coming from, but still. I talked her down over the course of a few minutes and she even gave me a hug by the end, but she still insisted that I never try something of the sort again, lest I be beholden to her wrath. It was most likely going to be doled out in slaps judging by the general limpness to her wrists. Twilight, however, was happier to see me and greeted me in the library with a small smile and a cup of black tea. She offered me some cream and sugar, but I just gave her an odd look and sipped my beverage to see if it was actually palatable. Other than being a little weak for my tastes, it was fine.

“Alright, Twilight. Yes, I made that rhyme. Sue me. Anyway, where shall we begin?”

She blinked at me and smiled. “Well, what do you know about Magic?”

“I know that everything on Equis has it in one form or another, and that it basically makes this world go ‘round.” I answered with a straight face.

“... Well, you’re right, but that’s…”

“I know I have Wind Magic.” I said, staring into her eyes.

Twilight held the eye contact without being fazed, as many women do. For some odd reason, men don’t really need eye contact during a conversation. It’s just something I’ve noticed. “Well that’s… We can work with it?”

I raised a brow. “Is it that bad?”

‘Well it’s not good.’ “It’s not exactly great news, Gauche. Not if you actually want to use it for something.”

“Can you teach me how to form wind into arrows?” I asked, recalling a story of Stelor’s, the God of Hunters, Poachers, Trappers, and Beastmasters.

‘... What? That’s actually interesting…’ “Where did you get an idea like that?”

“A God from Terra, Stelor, God of the Hunt, could make arrows from the very wind itself and guide his arrows with it. He was told to be a legendary shot with his wind arrows, piercing even tornados with his might.”

‘That’s incredible! These Gods really are something!’ “Well, it’s certainly been said that Wind Mages can form objects through their connection to the wind. I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt much when you get hit by a Wind Element weapon, though. If I’m remembering correctly, it’s more of a way to wear down your target, but I didn’t get into it beyond that because Combat Magicks are usually only good for combat and that kinda stuff. As you can see,” Twilight held her arms out and gave me a bashful smile, “I’m not exactly made to take a punch.”

I smiled because my head hurt. “... Wouldn’t that make it even more imperative for you to learn Combat Magic? I’m not exactly tryin’ to nag you here, but it makes more sense to me to make Magic cover up my shortcomings.”

Twilight blushed and coughed. “W-Well… I’m a little… Accident prone, you see. Ah-heh-heh-aww.” She sighed. “It’s generally a bad idea for me to mess with stuff that can actually hurt somepony.”

“So you can teach me the basics and we can find someone else for the fine tuning.” I said simply, sensing her souring mood. “It’s not like we have to do everything now.”

Twilight nodded and gave me a heart-warming smile. “That’s right! I mean, I don’t really think you should be learning Combat Magic to begin with, but broadening your magical horizons never hurt anypony, right?”

I tilted my head at her and gave her the absolute blankest look I could conjure up. “Yeah. Never summon anything again.”

She blushed and burped, covering her mouth shortly after. “S-Sorr-” Another burp occurred and I gave her an odd look. “... Di-” She burped again and it was just as adorable as the first two times. “... I got you hurt, didn't I?” Twilight asked, holding her left arm with her right and looking down, too ashamed to look me in the eyes and ask.

“We’re going to start with the burping though.” I said amusedly. “Why?”

“It happens sometimes, but I don’t really know why…” She said softly. “Gauche, please answer my question.”

I sighed and considered my options as they lay before me. In one hand, I held Twilight’s entire week, and I could easily destroy that with a simple sentence. Less than ten words would have someone with a heart as soft and bleed-y as Twilight in tears, riddled with intense, merciless guilt that would probably eat away at her until she earned my forgiveness, which I was not ready to give. She’d gotten me a little more than hurt, but then again, how much of that was actually Max’s fault? Thus, I am left with the other hand, which was a lie, but a kind one, and Twilight just struck me as a young woman would do her best to return any kindness extended to her.

That, and Twilight’s just an utter and complete doll. A regular cuppa something sweet and a little salty. It was mostly the cuteness, but the sweetness didn’t hurt.

The thing was, I didn’t actually want to
lie, so I said, “I got a little roughed up a couple of times, but nothing you should be worried about.”
Twilight’s little forehead gem glowed slightly. “You’re not telling me everything, Gauche…”

I waved it aside. “I’m not exactly worried about it at the moment, so-”

“Gauche, do you want to have any kind of relationship with me?” Twilight asked, her voice as soft and gentle as her hands.

“I’d like to be friends.” I answered cautiously.

“Friends don’t keep secrets, Gauche.”

“... Stuck me fuckin’ foot in me gob.” I grumbled to myself. In an audible volume, I said, “Look, I got banged up and whatnot, but I came out okay, Twilight. That’s what matters.”

“What happened?” She asked with baited breath.

“...” I spoke in full stops for a few moments before I just shook my head at her. “I don’t want to talk about it, Twilight.”

“Maybe-”

“That topic ends here.” I said tenderly, though firmly. “Let’s get onto learning how to use Magic, no?”

“... Gauche, I really want to continue that topic. If I got you hurt, then I’d like to know about it!”

“Like I said, the topic is dead. Leave sleeping dogs lie, Dearest.” I requested a little less pleasantly, but not by much.

“Gauche-”

“No.” I said savagely, hoping that she’d drop it.

She frowned and bit her lip before saying, “... I don’t really like being talked to like that, Gauche…”

“I know Dearest, and I’m sorry that I snapped at you, but I don’t want to talk about what went on in Minosia. I would much rather talk about Magicks and what we can actually teach me about them.” I said, resuming the tone I’d used for Aria when she was doing dumb shit.

“... Okay, I’ll give in this time, but we are gonna talk about it at some point, okay?” She bargained.

I slowly let my hands rest on her shoulder and bent down to look her in the eye with every ounce of compassion my blackened, sinful soul had to offer. “I’m not telling you. Full stop. I’m not telling you because you wouldn’t look at me the same way, and yes, I know that’s what I said when you asked me why I kept being a thief from you, but… Twilight…” I inhaled and I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them and shaking my head, my eyes on the ground. “... I don’t think I could stand having you look at me like that, Dearest. Not you.”

Twilight, being the kind soul that she is, evidently heard the ache I didn’t bother to mask in my voice. “Gauche… I know I’m at least partly responsible for what happened, and I… I don’t want you to think that I’m just gonna be okay with knowing that I got you hurt by not coming for you soon enough… It might be the link between Summoner and Familiar, but I’ve really come to like you in the short time we’ve actually been together... “ She seemed to struggle to find her words for a moment. “... Gauche, you don’t strike me as someone who really cares what other people think.”

“That’s because I rarely give a fuck about what people think.” I replied flatly.

“So why do you care about what I think?” She challenged.

“You’re worth the dirt you walk on, Dearest. Most people in my experience aren’t.”

“... That’s… Grim. That’s really grim.”

“At least it’s not morbid. Can we go do Magic now?”

“I’d like to go back to the thing we were talking about, like why you think I evidently need to be protected from stuff! I’m a grown Mare, Gauche. Not some filly with wet ears and cotton between them.”

I gave her a look and backed off. “How would you feel if I told you that a Cow attacked me because of a few chuckles at the wrong moment?”

She flinched. “Did that actually happen?”

“After I dealt with her, two more Minotaurs, a Stallion and a Mare, a Griffin, and what I later learned was a Cat all attacked at the same time.” I said levelly, my voice not given anything away.

“... That’s true, but it’s hard to believe, Gauche. It really is.”

I nodded. “It is.”

“... Did you have to fight all of them?”

“I did.”

“... And you won?” She asked in disbelief.

“Ask Maud if you don’t believe me.” I said coolly.

“I don’t need to… I just… Gauche, how are you alive?” She asked incredulously.

“I don’t die easy, Dearest. A lot of people have learned that the hard way.”

“How many times have you been attacked like that?” Twilight clasped her hands together, concern written all over her features.

“Broad question, that one. How many times have I gotten attacked by multiple people, no?” She nodded. “More than a few, less than fifteen or so. I tend to run more than fight, but running wasn’t much of an option during the last one.”

“... How bad did you get hurt?” She asked carefully, tiptoeing around the bush, not even quite beating around it.

“Not too bad. Nothing that some poultice and some care didn’t fix.”

“Gauche, that tells me that you’re either extremely dangerous or that you’re not telling me the whole truth. I don’t need a spell to know that you’re not telling me the truth, and Celestia already told me that she thinks you’re at least a little dangerous since you’re an ‘old’,” She used some light air quotes, “thief. I don’t know why you being an old thief would make you dangerous, but I trust my teacher.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “What do you want to hear first?”

“... How badly were you hurt?” Twilight asked.

I blinked at her before shaking my head. “It really is staggering that you’re more interested in my relative safety than possibly being in danger.”

She waited for me to say something else and I just shrugged. “Are you not going to say?”

“Wasn’t planning on it. It only kept me down for three or four days, so don’t worry about-”

“Only three or four!? Gauche, what in Tartarus- I… Gauche, it took Rainbow a ‘few days’ to heal from a broken wing, and you’re telling me that you got hurt bad enough to be down for that long?”

“... Is breaking something bad news? It wasn’t uncommon where I come from. Most people break fingers and arms like it’s going out of style. Or coming in. Either one.”

“Did you break something?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I’m going to worry about it whether you tell me to or not.” Twilight huffed, pouting like the child she was on the inside.

“When someone older than you tells you not to worry about something, it’s usually for a good reason. There’s no point in fretting over the past, Twilight. I got hurt, I went down, and I got back up. Clean and kosher. Kinda.” I nodded off to the side and shrugged. “Getting back up was the part that mattered.”

“... Gauche, I... “ She sighed deeply. “Okay. I can see the wisdom in that. Can you explain why an old thief is more dangerous than a normal one?”

I gave her a look. “I’m only old by thief standards, young lady, so keep that in mind. The first thing, however, is that you need to know how long a Thief’s Life is-”

“Wouldn’t that be entirely relevant to the thief in question?”

“Exactly. Most thieves don’t see the second day of their thirteenth year in their career without losing a hand or getting gaoled. I got out of gaol because I escaped, so technically I’m on the lam, but my point is that I’ve been a thief for about fifteen years now, coming up on sixteen, and that means that I’ve outlived my life. I’m officially on time I bartered with Furladra for.”

“... You had to make a deal with her to stay alive?” Twilight asked, her tone not giving her thoughts away.

I looked into her eyes and focused, trying to peer behind the violet-tinted windows of her soul, though I still responded while trying to activate the Mind Link. “In a manner of speaking. I played by Furladra’s rules my entire Thief’s Life, and I’ve kept up my side of the bargain past that, so she keeps up her side. It wouldn’t surprise me much if Furladra kept me alive for Max’s little plans, but it’s a living, no?”

‘Wow… I’m…’ “... Gauche, your life kinda sucks.” She said bluntly.

“Kinda?” I asked flatly, snorting. “It does suck for the most part, and I can’t even really be grateful for half of what I do have because I don’t know how I’m supposed to use it, and the other half looks mildly poisonous. So far, Maud’s been the shining diamond in the coal mines, but I don’t even want to go there because apparently Furladra wants my heart as well.” I shrugged. “Life sucks and then you die, but maybe there’s happiness on the road somewhere. I don’t know.”

Twilight didn’t waste any time in giving me a hug, so I hugged her back. “I can’t promise that I can make you happy, but I can promise that I’ll try to make your life better in any way I can!” She let me go and gave me a charmingly innocent smile, making my heart melt like a candle’s wax to a flame.

I gently cupped the back of her head and pressed my forehead to hers, taking in the scent of lavender that permeated from her along with a hint of alcohol. It took me a few moments to find my words, but when I did, all they amounted to was, “Thank you. Thank you for your sincere compassion, Twilight Sparkle. If you do stay in my life beyond what we have now… I’ll never deserve a place in your heart, but knowing that I have one…” I choked up a little and chuckled, earning myself another hug.

“... So… Are you guys dating or something?” A tomboyish, somewhat raspy voice asked.

Twilight sighed and we let go of each other at the same time, both of us facing the new person with more than a little irritation. The new Pony was a light, near sky blue-coated, technicolour-maned, athletic looking Mare. The first thing I noticed was that she was pretty, though the little tan stripe across her nose (Whatever it was) made her look like she’d been hit recently. I hadn’t really met too many Pegasi, and I tend to avoid them as a rule of thumb because things with wings? Damn near everything with wings was some kind of arrogant, but the new Pony didn’t look like she’d be too terrible. I did a spot check and saw that she had a smaller bust than Maud’s handful-plus-some-for-fun, and her hips were narrow, but I had to admit, she was some kind of attractive.

“Rainbow Dash, can you not read the mood, or do you just like ruining bonding moments?” Twilight inquired in icy inflections.

“My bad, Twi. Still though, do you have a boyfriend now, or…?” She rolled her hand forward, gesturing for Twilight to continue.

“How long have you been here?” I
asked neutrally.

She shrugged. “I heard something
about making a deal, but then Twilight said your life sucked, I zoned out, and then you dudes were practically about to kiss-”

“Rainbow, even if Gauche and I didn’t have a somewhat kith slash kin relationship, why would you interrupt us if we were about to kiss instead of leaving?” Someone wasn’t happy, and that person happened to be a purple Pony Princess, pretty pissed about pop-up people plopping themselves in her moment.

Rainbow blushed and scratched her
head. “... Uh… Dragon Fire a friend?”

The look Twilight gave her was a little
on the deadly side from what I’d seen from Twilight so far. By that, I mean that Twilight was glaring daggers and it came off as pouty and puffy. “I’m your friend. I got your note, and my reply is ‘Think before you act, you utter nag.’.”

“Hey! I was just trying to figure out if I should be threatening this guy or high-fiving him for being nice to you and stuff! Don’t be mad, alright?” Rainbow asked, folding her hands together, trying for a winning smile.

“Yeah, no.” I said flatly. “I would say thanks for fucking up the little thing we had going there, but I don't thank many people for much. I will say, however, that you should’ve tried talking with the other set of lips.”

Dash gave me an odd look before her lips started wavering and she burst out into giggles. “Alright, Dude, I’ll try next time!”

Twilight whacked me, but it didn’t hurt because she’s weaker than Baby’s Brew, a mixture of breast milk and a shot of fortified wine. “You stop encouraging her!” She pointed a damning finger at Dash. “And you stop being oblivious! I swear, it’s like you only pay attention to butts and bird stuff!”

“Now that’s uncalled for.” The blue one replied, her tone less amused now. “I wouldn’t call your Magic stuff ‘hoo-doo’ to your face, and I kinda expect the same respect, Twi.”

“Then respect my privacy, and expect to be chewed out for being thoughtless. Again.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Princess. Do you want me to bow and grovel now, or do you want me to lick your hooves?”

Twilight glared at her a little harder. “Do you want to be furless? Because we can make that happen, Ms. Smarty-Pants.”

Her friend rolled her eyes again. “Stratosphere above, just let it go, Twilight.”

“I will once you actually apologize.”

Dash nodded. “Twilight, I’m sorry for mucking up your thing with the guy. I don’t get it, but I don’t get paid to get stuff.”

“I get paid to get stuff, but it’s generally physical rather than mental.” I said jokingly.

Twilight gave me a sour look. “Aren’t you going to curtail your bad habits at all?”

“Yep.” I answered. Because I’m being followed and I’ve spotted another tail lurking outside.

“Oh. Okay!” Twilight beamed at me.

I patted her head and looked at Dash. “So are you here to harass Twiwight or what?”

Dash shrugged. “I wasn’t doing anything and wanted to know if Twilight wanted to do something. Mare always has something to do, even when the rest of town is quieter than a mouse fart.”

Twilight sighed. “You know you have trouble picking up Stallions because you talk like one, right? And act like one. Don’t forget that.”

Rainbow went to give her a scathing reply, which I could see by the look in her eye, so I stepped in with, “With a figure like hers? Fuck off, Twilight.” I scoffed.

Dash blushed and cleared her throat. “Uh…”

Twilight gave me a puzzled look. “What about her figure?”

I returned her look with one of my own. “What do you mean what do I mean? Dash looks good. There’s nothing else to it.”

The purple one and the blue one exchanged a brief glance before Dash asked, “Are you low-key trying to hit on me?”

I shook my head. “I’m taken, but I’m allowed to look at the selection, no? I’m just not allowed to order anything.”

Rainbow Dash’s face stayed rosen for a little while longer. “Thanks, I guess. Not many guys are into the ‘Fit-and-Fun’ thing, y’know? It’s nice to hear that somepony thinks I don’t look like a guy.”

I looked at Twilight, my eyes narrowed. “Don’t tell me you’ve just been letting the prettiest friend of yours that I’ve met feel that way about herself, Twilight.”

“The buck.” Twilight said bluntly.

“Kinda with Twilight on this one. You must not have met AJ, Flutters, or Rarity yet.” Dash said uneasily.

“I’ve met Applejack. I find you more attractive than her.” I answered slowly. “Why is this weird?”

Twilight looked at me for a moment, pursing her lips. “Well, we kinda have to take your tastes into account here, Gauche.”

“Like, who are you with? Do we know her?” Dash asked.

“Maud Pie, Pinkie’s sister.” I said, giving both of them odd looks in turn. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Rainbow gave me one of the most fuckedemupedest looks I’d seen in years. “How do you- I mean… Look, Dude. You’re weird.”

I gave her the two-finger flag out of instinct. “Guess where you can shove these. Here’s a hint; they go with your opinion of my taste in women.”

Dash shook her head and gave me a little smile. “I know that was supposed to be, like, an insult, but I’m pretty sure I just told you that your compliment was wrong. I’ll eat my loss on this one.”

I nodded. “Stay smart and you won’t get nagged at.”

Twilight hit me again. “I was not nagging!”
“Then what would you call it?” I asked, rubbing my arm for show.

“I’d call it nagging.” Rainbow said blandly.

Twilight flipped her off. “Take your pretty hiney out of my library!”

Dash blew her a kiss. “Love you~”

Twilight huffed. “I love you too, but unless you want to stay for Magic lessons, then I suggest you find somepony else to frustrate.”

“I’m having fun.” I chuckled.

“I can always send you back to Sweet Apple Acres and we can start tomorrow.” The Princess deadpanned.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Why waste precious time? I’ve only got a few more days to learn the basics anyway, so let me shut up so we can get on with it, no?”

“Are you sure you two aren’t-” Dash started.

“Yes.” I answered before she could finish.

“Absolutely certain. It’d be like falling for Spike or Shining Armour.” Twilight huffed haughtily.

Rainbow raised a brow at me and I raised a brow at her. “I only know who one of those people are.”

“Ah, so you know Spike, but not Shining? I suggest telling him that you’re not interested in Twilight like that if you ever do meet him.” Dash said.

“I’ll tell him.” Twilight said. “Shining listens to me, after all.”

Rainbow and I looked at each other. “Do you want to explain to her the dangers of a big brother, or should I?” I asked.

Dash raised her hand. “I got this. Twilight-”

“I think it’s better if Gauche explains it.” The Princess said quickly. “He’s very adept at giving comprehensive elaborations that are relatable and understandable you know.”

“Don’t take it personal, Kaari, it’s nothing personal.” I said for Twilight.

“Kaari?” Dash asked.

“It technically means ‘arc’ in Varic, but it’s an abbreviation of rainbow.” I replied.

“Varic?”

“My third language. Only two people on this planet actually know Varic to my knowledge.”

Dash scratched her head. “... I kinda dig it.”

I nodded and turned to Twilight. “Alright, so the Big Brother Clause of a sibling relationship means that as a big brother, you have to pummel anyone who’s not doing right by your sister if she’s in that kind of relationship with them. For example, I beat up a few guys that tried to get too close to Aria and I’ve stabbed some adults who thought that they could take her from me and use her until she faded away.”

“Hardcore!” Dash said in awe. “Dude, I wish I was your little sister! Having somepony who doesn’t mind messing somepony up for screwing with me would be awesome!”

Twilight looked a little green around the gills. “Please don’t hurt anypony on my behalf, Gauche.”

“All you have to do is ask.” I replied. Most of the time, at least.

“Thank you, Gauche, but I don’t think Shining is that kind of big brother.” Twilight touched a hand to her heart.

“He should be! Gauche sounds like a badass big bro!” Dash maintained.

I chuckled. “My little sister did her part too.” I fingered the bracelet that I wear, made by her.

“So where is she now?” Dash asked.

“She’s in a better place than Avalesce, that’s for sure. Other than that, I don’t know which God would have taken her in, though I suspect that Amelemme or Xana would have allowed her to remain in their realm.”

“... What?” Rainbow cocked her head to the side and gave me a confused look.

“She’s passed on, Kaari.” I replied calmly.

“Oh… Sorry for your loss, Dude. When did you lose her?”

“Rainbow! You don’t just go digging into a sensitive subject like that!” Twilight objected.

I waved her worries aside. “It’s fine, Dearest. I lost Aria when I was thirteen, so she would have been ten or eleven at the time.”

“Damn, I’m sorry that you had to deal with that so early in life. It must have been really hard on your family.” Dash said empathetically. “I know that it was super harsh on my parents when we lost my little sister, but I wasn’t really old enough to get it at the time, you know?”

“You had a little sister?” Twilight asked, surprised.

Dash nodded. “I don’t talk about her because I never really knew her.”

“I both feel bad for you and envy you at the same time.” I chuckled. “Ah, split feelings and all that.”

“... Why would you envy me?” The blue one asked.

“Not knowing the person you lost seems less harsh to me than knowing someone your entire life, talking to them, suffering with them, triumphing with them, only to lose them when you need them or want them most.” I shrugged. “It only seems preferable because I was a little cold by the time I started making friends after Aria’s passing, and losing them hurt less because I didn’t know them as well as I did her.”

“Oh… Sounds like you’ve lost a lot of people in your life.”

I nodded. “I have. It’s the dangers of working in my field from a young age.”

“How old were you when you started working?” Dash asked, interest keeping her talking.

“Eleven. I-”

“Dude! Were your parents farmers or something!?” She exclaimed.

“I never knew my parents. Aria and I were told that we were dropped off at the same time, so we assumed that we were from the same family since our eyes and hair were the same color. We also favoured a little, so it wasn’t hard to put the pieces together.” I explained.

“Okay, but what kind of work do you do before you’re even old enough to see over the counter of most places?”

“One, I’ve always been tall. Two, thieving.”

“... You’re a thief?” Dash asked, giving me an obvious once over. “... I can kinda see it. You look like you’re really good at sneaking and stuff.”

“I’m surprised that you don’t have a problem with it.” Twilight said before I could.

Dash gave her a look. “I just learned that this guy was an orphan, and I’m willing to bet that the place he was staying at kicked him out when he was ten or eleven. It’s hard to not understand why he had to start breaking laws to survive. I mean, I’m not supporting it, but I see where the guy’s coming from.”

“So you do have a brain!” I teased with a smile.

She glared at me until she saw the curvature of my lips. “Hardy-har-har. Think you’re funny, don’t you? Beanpole son of a whorse.”

“Technicolor-toned twat.” I chuckled in response.

Dash gave me a big smile. “Well, with that, I think I gotta be somewhere else now. You guys have fun with your Magic thing.”

“It’s Wind Magic.” Twilight said flatly.

Rainbow coloured. “Hey! Wind Magic is perfectly fine, dammit!”

“Just because you’re technically a Wind Type doesn’t mean you have to get your panties all wadded up, Rainbow. It’s just that none of the stuff that make it useful for you would work for Gauche.”
Her friend jabbed a finger in her direction. “Some non-Pegasi can fly with their Wind Magic, so it’s perfectly fine!”

“Fly…” I muttered to myself.

“True. We’ll see you later, Rainbow.” Twilight said dismissively.

Rainbow turned to me and gave me a frustrated look. “Don’t let Twi limit what you can do with your Magic, Dude. If you ever want to learn a few more tricks of the trade, I can give you some helpful hints.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you, Kaari.”

She blushed lightly and gave me a winning smile. “No problem, Dude. See ya later.”

Dash headed out of the door and Twilight sighed. “That Mare… She just stirs things up wherever she goes, I’m telling you.”

“I like her well enough.” I commented. “Now, Magic or no?”

“We have to see if you can even find your Mana pool first, so we’re heading down to the basement. Let me find Spike so he can tell ponies where we’ve disappeared to while you head on down. It’ll be the second door to your right once you take a left out of here.” She pointed downward.

I nodded. “See you downstairs, then.”

We headed off in the same direction and I took the instructions/directions she gave me, which lead me to the roots of the tree, all of them having been made to not grow in random directions somehow. The basement was lined with the tree’s roots, and though the floor was made of a solid sheet of stone, it was quite interesting to see all of the wondrous things in Twilight’s downstairs laboratory. I wondered if she dabbled in Alchemy when I saw one of her work tables, and then I wondered what the Hæl she spent her time doing after seeing multiple other machinations that made no sense to me. They looked somewhat similar to the machinery that you could find in the more advanced Avalesch factories, but on a smaller scale, and they also seemed to be engraved God’s Tongue or similar runes. The multitudes of rune ‘circles’ on Twilight’s floors made me a little wary of the space since rune circles often accompanied Dæmons and Revenants born from the darkness, but I knew that some of the Dæmons on Equis were harmless, and that my expectations were soon to be obliterated in the face of actual facts about what I was to be learning.

By the time Twilight got down to her basement, I was watching and waiting for some of the glowing squares and multi-sided shapes to explode or something, so I caught Twilight at the bottom of the staircase. “Hi, Gauche. Sorry that took so long, but Spike’s out of the house, and I didn’t know that until I sent him a note.”

“It’s fine, Twilight.” I waved her worries aside. “In the meantime, do you want to tell me how the Hæl I’m supposed to get around these things?”

“You don’t go around, Gauche. You can walk through any of them without worry.” My temporary tutor assured me.

“... Yeah, no, I’m not doing that.”

“You actually have to step into two of them. Come on, I’ll show you that it’s harmless!” Twilight said with a smile.

I gave her a blank look. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust Magic.”

“... Are you seriously rhabdophobic?” Twilight asked.

“I don't know what that means, but if it’s something along the lines of wary with Magic, then yes.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand, dragging me towards the ‘circles’. “You’ll be fine, you big baby.”

“Waah! Waah! Mommy please!” I said theatrically.

She gave me a dull look. “Do you want a spanking?”

“The only person between the two of us who might even come close to wanting one would be you.”

“I don’t like being hit at all, so I take it that we’ll be fine with walking through the rune circles. Just trust me on this, okay Gauche?”

I sighed heavily and flinched as we started stepping into and out of the circles. “... I really don’t like this, but I do trust you. I guess.”

Twilight gave me a winning smile and stopped us at a blue rune ‘circle’ that was actually some sort of eight-sided shape. “And this is where we’re going to test your Magic Rank.” She stepped out of the circle and snapped her finger, a blue window of some sort appearing in front of her. “Now this is going to either tickle or prickle, but neither actually hurt. You might feel some goosebumps or you might giggle.”

After a moment or two, my hackles raised and I felt chills across my body, an impossible wind blowing my hair. “Uh…”

Twilight blinked at me as my hair whipped back and forth and started rapidly tapping on the strange magical window in front of her. “Oh dear. Oh dear. Gauche, don’t. Move.”

I froze in place. “What’s happening, Twilight?”

“Your Mana is going wild.” She breathed. “The circle must have woken it up from its dormant state, but that’s an odd coincidence. The probe shouldn’t have done that.”

The wind picked up near the end of her sentence and it got harder to hear her. “What the fuck is going on then!?”

“Breathe, Gauche! It’ll pass in a few more minutes, I promise!”

I stayed as still as I could with the wind blowing up until it started blowing me around from within the confines of the circle, but I eventually lost my footing and the wind made me stumble around as it changed directions. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, so I sat down against an invisible wall until the wind picked up further then picked me up and started spinning me about. As suddenly as it started, it finished and I fell back to the hard stone floor, back first. It wasn’t a terribly hard fall, but I’d rather wished that it hadn’t happened.

“Gauche? Are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“Peachy.” I grunted, picking myself up to glare at her. “‘It’s harmless’, she says. ‘Nothing’s going to happen!’ she says. Blah!”

“Well I wasn’t expecting you to be an A-Rank Wind Mage!” Twilight said, distraught. “Most ponies period don’t go above a high D-Rank or a low C-Rank!”

“That’s not stopping me from beating you with a stick.” I grunted.

“I can stop you from beating me with a stick, but I think you’d avoid it in the first place if I apologized properly, so here goes: Gauche, I am so sorry you got blown around like that!”

“Dear Gods, what would have happened if I was a strong Fire Mage or something?”

Twilight waved a hand. “You would have been surrounded by flames that couldn’t hurt you, and a Water Mage would have been waist deep in water at your rank. We really should have started with the MPT rather than the MRF.”

“The whats?”

“The Mana Pool Test and the Magical Rank Finder.”

“Ah. So can we call it a day, or-”

“Weren’t you the one who said we’re crunching time as it is?” Twilight asked.

I sighed. “Point Twilight. Let’s get this over with.”

She extended a hand through the circle and I took it with a little apprehension, but no hesitation. I figured that finding out where my ‘Mana’ was would tell me where I was drawing it from so I could actually use Magic, but I had to ask, “So what’s the difference between Mana and Magic?”

“Oh! Mana is the rawest form of Magic that ponies can use. There are wells of Mana that pop up around the planet, but everypony has their own Mana Pool. Sometimes ponies go without ever learning where their Mana resides, so the MPT is usually a good way to find out where it is.”

“That explains a bit. So can I draw from my Mana Pool once I know where it is?”

“It’ll be a lot easier, yes. You might have been passively using your Magic for all we know, however. You could be a natural with Magic, or you could be completely inept.” Twilight said, making a face.

I thought back to my conversations with the higher powers, specifically to my one with Furladra. “I’ve been passively using some of my Magic, but not a lot of it.”

“Oh, then let’s get the Mana Pool Test done as soon as possible!” Twilight said happily. “We might be able to start teaching you spells right away!”

“Victus. Let’s do it.” I nodded.

Twilight led me over to another rune circle, but this time it was green and it was actually one of the few true circles in the room. We repeated the process of me standing in the circle while she tapped away at her little window-thing until we heard a ‘ding’ of some sort that signified the end of the test. “Alright! Do you want the good news or the great news?” She asked excitedly.

“Let’s start with the good news.” I said passively.

“Okay, well the good news is that you should have a pretty easy time with your Magicks, no matter what you want to do!”

“That sounds pretty great.” I admitted.

“Oh, it gets better! The reason you should be able to do Magic easily is because, and I’m super excited to have been the Mare to learn this first, but you have dual pools! You have a large well of Mana in your head that’s linked directly to some strange Magicks that I don’t know of, and there’s another pool in your belly that’s smaller, but sooo densethat you’re gonna have to actually try to run it dry in the course of a day! Your Mana Pools are linked, so you can either focus on a feeling in your head or in your stomach and use your Magic accordingly, which isn’t always the case. You should be, like, ecstatic, because you can probably spend three full days casting spells and only run out of Magic on the night of the third day!”

“... Holy fuck, that sounds overpowered.”
“Well, in Comparison, my Mana Pool is located in my head, but it’s easier a hundred times larger than both of your combined since I’m both an Alicorn and my Cutie Mark is based in Magic. We’re both prodigies, and I get to teach you!”

“Ah. This is going to be interesting.” I said amusedly.

“Right!? Oh my gosh, this is gonna be the best ever!” Twilight made a strange noise of some kind, only describable as a ‘squee’ or something of the sort.

I stared at her for a moment before a smile crept onto my face and I gave her a hug. “Dear Gods above, you are adorable!”

She squeezed me back and looked up at me. “Are you ready to start learning Magic?”

“Can you make that noise again?” I asked.

Twilight rolled her eyes and let me go, but I just gave her one more squeeze before letting go myself. “We Ponies don’t exactly do it on purpose, you know.”

“Aww… I’m just gonna take what I can get then.”

She patted my chest. “Good colt. Now let’s get to learning!”

Author's Note

Remember to like, comment and follow for more of RTP

Uploaded from my phone at work, so there's not much to say here. I might be shifting release schedules a bit so that stuff drops either Friday night or Saturday morning, but either way, it'll still be a weekly upload schedule for the most part.

As Always, Stay Cool Kids

Chapter Thirteen: Learning About The Thing

Author's Note

Author Guy here. Come to think of it, it’s probably a little confusing for the transitions to be all under the same symbol, so I’m going to do something about it. This one ✯☾Ω☽✯ is Max’s. This one ₪ღ✮ღ₪ is going to be Jay’s, and last but probably not least, Garrison’s is going to be ✧❖☬❖✧. Author Guy out.

Chapter Thirteen: Learning About The Thing

Chapter Thirteen: Learning About The Thing

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Bruh. Fluttershy? Fluttershy is easily the sweetest thing on two legs, and it showed the morning after Max finally lead me out of the Everfree. After spending a decently comfortable night on her couch, the adorable Mare made me a breakfast of fried potatoes and collard greens that were out of this world with a little salt, and I made sure that Fluttershy knew about how grateful I was by giving her usual cookware nonstick qualities via runes that weren’t hard to make. She in turn told me all about how she usually burned her omelettes and laid a lot of parise on me for doing that one little thing, though I tried to give her as many compliments as she was giving me, just about different stuff.

After breakfast, Fluttershy asked if I was doing anything for the day and I told her that I didn’t have any plans and offered to help her with the animals to the best of my abilities. Things did not go according to plan, and I got bitten by multiple squirrels, a bat, and a ferret. The ferret hurt the most, so I resisted the temptation to punt the damn thing and just picked it up and took it to Fluttershy for a proper chiding. She gave it steadily in firm tones before sending the little thing off to go bug someone else for a bit, and Fluttershy thanked me for being gentle with a creature that hurt me.

Post feeding frenzy, Flutters asked, “Jay? Is there anything you want to do today?”

I shrugged casually and leaned against her cottage. ‘If I say you, am I in trouble?’ “I’m down for whatever, bein’ straight with you.”

Fluttershy gave me a little smile and hid most of her face behind her hair, blushing lightly. “W-Well… W-Would you like to g-go for another walk? I-I want to introduce you to a-a friend of mine.”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. If they’re a friend of yours, then I wouldn’t mind. Gotta ask what their name is, though.”

“Z-Zecora… Do- Do you kn-know her from Arkaid?”

I shook my head. “No clue. I never really met many people outside of your circle of friends to be honest with you. I was dating Arkaid’s Twilight at the same time I was dating Arkaid’s Fluttershy, and she pretty much put the kibosh on me getting too close to people.”

“... Twilight made you not make friends?” Flutters asked doubtfully.

I nodded somberly. “She was obsessed with me in a lot of bad ways. She wanted my brother dead. Got her wish.” I sighed and shook my head, still not really believing it.

“O-Oh…”

“Didn’t mean to bring bad news up for no reason. Why don’t we go to your friend’s place so I can say hi?”

“O-Okay…” She said softly. “... Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” I answered quietly.

“... O-Okay…”

I gave her a little smile. “Can I ask for a hug, or is that a-”

Fluttershy glomped me in the blink of an eye. “Do not worry, young Thrall. I will guard thine life with mine fullest abilities.” Her voice was deeper and far more solid, her embrace definitely felt different.

I was probable talking to her alternate instead of the woman herself. “... Shade Rose?”

She let me go and cupped my face, her eyes a deep, dark blue. “She I am. I would claim you as mine, Jameson. It is within my rights.”

“... Not sure I like the idea of being ‘claimed’ when you say it like that.” I replied slowly trying to distance myself from her.

She let me go without a problem, but maintained the intimate distancing. “You misunderstand, Jameson. I want you as my Thrall. I wish for you to be in my Coven, and it is all but done in many aspects. Whether you wish to be mine or not, you already are. All I desire is for you to be protected, as you now carry a piece of myself within you.”

“Ah. Thanks, but-”

She placed a finger on my lips. “Give it time.” Shade Rose closed her eyes and opened them to reveal the Fluttershy I knew and was falling for.

Flutters jerked her hand back and scuttled the ship, backing away from me rather quickly. “I-I-I- Um… Jay, I-I… Th-That’s n-n-never ha-happened before!”

I raised my hands and made a placating gesture. “The Alternates tend to show their faces when they want to, Flutters. I know that much. I’m pretty sure you don’t have much control over when Shade Rose takes over.”

“I-I’ve only ever even heard her say anything a few times!” She started hyperventilating and clutched her ears, looking at the floor. “How can she just do that!?”

It seemed like the best of times to calm her down with some physical affection, so I wrapped her up with my arms. “Fluttershy, I need you to take a few deep breaths. Shade Rose isn’t someone you need to be afraid of; she’s a part of you, Buttershy. She isn’t going to hurt you.”

“B-B-But w-what does she want!?” Fluttershy asked. “I-I-I don’t want to build a C-C-Coven!”

I held her a little tighter. “Fluttershy, we can figure that out when you breathe, okay? Take a deep breath and hold it in, aight? You’re okay, Babygirl, you’re okay.”

She hugged me back and did as I asked, shakily taking her breaths while her face was pressed against the join between my shoulder and neck. “... It’s h-h-hard Jay…”

I slipped my arms under her wings so I could rub her back. “I know, Flutters, and I’m here for you, okay? Just focus on me and we’ll get through this together, and when we do, we’re going out, gettin’ out of the house, and we’re going to figure this out. Are you with me, Buttershy?”

She took a few more shaky breaths and asked, “Jay?”

“Yes, Fluttershy?”

I wasn’t expecting the kiss, but I was expecting it to be a good one once it started. I kept one hand on her lower back and raised the other to the space between her wings. Fluttershy leaned into me, her breasts pressing against my chest in a way that somehow didn’t make me feel aroused; just closer to her than I was before, and that made me feel good inside. I couldn’t blame Vampire venom for the bliss in this kiss, because the bliss wasn’t there; it was all patience and comfort, compassion and warmth. Where kissing Arkaid’s Fluttershy had me ready to ‘snuggle’ in seconds, I just wanted to… I guess I don’t really know. I think I wanted Fluttershy to know that I would happily stay with her through whatever pops up in her path, and I’m sure that my point got across. However, I wasn’t quite sure why Fluttershy kissed me. I just knew that I was glad that she did.

Flutters wasn’t a terribly experienced kisser, but her lips tasted like warm, buttered biscuits that were just wonderful. She rested her hands on my chest and pulled away after a full minute and probably a little extra of our embrace. “... I…”

“You’re always giving me things, but I can’t say the reciprocal. I’ll have to do something nice for you now.” I said teasingly, giving her a little smile.

Her face was already a little flushed as she looked at me. “... Jay… Thank you for understanding.”

I pressed my lips against her forehead. “I just want you to be happy, Flutters.”

She blinked and her eyes stayed closed for just a fraction of a second too long, opening to reveal Shade Rose’s irises. “Thank you. She would not listen to me.” Shade closed her eyes again to reveal Fluttershy once more.

“I’m sure it’ll become more annoying than scary soon enough.” I said soothingly.

Fluttershy gave me another hug. “... You’re warm.”

“And you smell nice. Keep hugging me and I might not think anything else smells nice ever again.” I jested, having not let go of her in the first place.

She giggled a little and squeezed me a little tighter. “... D-Do you still want to go to Zecora’s?”

“I’m following wherever you’re leading” I finally let her go, though I admit that I kinda did so begrudgingly.

Fluttershy unwound her arms and gently took my hand. “... Your hand feels rough.”

“Working man’s hands, Flutterfly. They’ve seen their fair share of tools.”

She gave me a little smile. “I-It feels strong.”

I returned her smile with one of my own. “And yours feels soft and warm. Are you sure you’re not a radiator in a Pony costume?”

Fluttershy blushed and looked down, her gaze flickering to me every now and again. “I-If y-you-you w-w-want… I-I-I mean… J-Just a little later, y-y-you know…”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Take your time, Flutters. We’re in no hurry.”

She gave me a grateful smile. “M-Maybe later. Sh-Shall we?”

I grabbed her hand and nodded. “On your mark.”

✧❖☬❖✧

Listening to Twilight drone on and on and on about Magic and all of its wonders was nice and all, but what I really wanted was for some kindly Ranger to come along and put an arrow through my head, specifically at the ear holes. I didn’t want to hear about how Cloud Soul the Winded was such a great Wind Mage, or that Starswirl the Bearded found a hundred and one ways to use a gentle breeze to do daily chores. No, I wanted to hear more about Cairn Drake and his treatise on wind blades and Fulstrom’s compendium on Combat Magicks called The Natural Weapons. Twilight walled me off and we started with my actual training in a field outside town where no one could get hurt if my Magic went awry. We started with some basic channeling exercises and that was pretty interesting.

All along, ever since I’d started paying attention to my instincts, I knew how to tap into the well of Magic near my navel, courtesy of Furladra. I’d never known that I was doing it, but when Twilight asked me to relax as much as possible and feel for centers of warmth or coolness in my body, my belly was the first part of me to answer the call, feeling cool and fuzzy. I was perfectly safe at the moment, and then I felt a certain warmth behind my eyes, which was most likely the Mind-Reading Magic. While Twilight was coaching me through some rather mild stuff, like making the wind blow a little harder by attuning myself to its presence. Given the calm, pleasant climate and conditioning, it really wasn’t hard at all to get into my environment. As the breeze picked up, I wondered if I was the cause from time to time, but as the hour of quiet meditation and deeper introspection, I could feel the world around me. I knew exactly where Twilight was with my eyes closed, where every blade of grass broke the wind…

It was marvelous.

With my mind on the winds, I made them a little stronger, making a stirring motion with my finger, barely making the motion at all to keep it hidden. Once the wind was roaring, blowing Twilight around rather goofily, I made it stop suddenly and she fell to the ground. “Oof! Oh, Gauche, sucks to your assmar!”

“Sucks to your limes, Dearest.” I said drily. “Now you know how I felt.”

Twilight glared at me, her hair a mess and her eyes doing a strange little dance. “You’d better get to running here in a moment, Buster!”

I walked over and shook her around a bit to mess with her some more until she actually did hit me. “Stop it, Butthead.” She huffed.

I recoiled from her blow and gave her a smile when her eyes went back to normal. “So I can make the wind blow. Now I just need to figure out how to put it in a jar.”

Twilight waved her hand. “That’s easy. Just imagine the breeze blowing into the jar, add a little dust so you can tell how much you have in there, and you’ve practically got a smoke bomb that you unscrew and point at ponies. It’s a funny trick when you do it with flour and coat your friends, but please don’t hit me with it. I’m allergic to pranks.”

“I’ll be sure to hit you with it as soon as possible. What’s next on our list of things to learn?”

“Um… You could try channeling your Mana into your hands to try making projectiles like you wanted, I suppose. If you’re as adept as I’m thinking you are, then it shouldn’t be much harder than picturing your prize in your head.”

I thought about it and it didn’t seem like it would be a hard thing to do, but Twilight in all her ever-loving scholarly patience eventually told me to figure it out some other time after two hours had passed and I’d barely made a half-visible arrow. We were burning daylight, so Twilight made me practice tapping my Mana pools and spreading the flow around my body as I needed, but that’s when we learned that Wind Mages get a bit of a boost when letting their Mana flow to other parts of the body. It’s basically just a little speed boost, but that does explain why I tend to be good at dodging things.

After Twilight made me run for awhile, we stopped because she has pathetic stamina for a Pony her age and size, but we ultimately decided that it would be for the best if I found a tutor who specialized in Wind Magic anyway. As an aside, I just have to comment on the fact that I’ve never met a Pony I could outrun until Twilight, so that was cool. Aside over. Twilight didn’t know much about Wind Magic and didn’t have much on it in her libraries since she had a different elemental affinity, though she didn’t want to say what hers was. I suspected that it had something to do with Black Magic, so I left good enough alone and took my leave from Twilight’s company to go find Maud.

Pinkie was working at the bakery we’d gone to the day before, but Maud herself was nowhere to be seen, so I walked up to the counter and waited until Pinkie stopped trying to ignore me. She eventually stopped by and asked, “How can I help you?” In her usual cheery tones.

“Would you happen to know where Maud went?” I asked. “I was hoping to see more of the town with her.”

“I’ve already shown Maud most of Ponyville.” Pinkie gave me a triumphant smirk.

“Ah, then she’ll know a nice scenic route for a walk.” I said blithely, not bothering to bite her bait.

Pinkie frowned at me. “Why don’t you ever jab back?”

“Because you’re Maud’s sister. I offer you the same respect I offer her.” I answered.

“... You just don’t want to get on her bad side by making me upset!” Pinkie accused.

“She’s already shown that she doesn’t need your approval to be with me. I think she’d just prefer that you let me be rather than us continue this little… Whatever it is.”

She glared at me. “Are you gonna order something?”

“I’ll have a vanilla chocolate malt and a bran muffin.” I’d seen the bran muffin in the glass case in the front of the shop when I’d walked in, and it had been calling my name ever since.

Pinkie gave me a look. “What are you, an old Stallion?”

“I should only be about five years older than you.” If Maud was close to seven years older than Pinkie, then it would make sense for me to be around five years older since Maud was nearing thirty.

“Like I said: Old stallion.” She huffed, bouncing off to fill my order.

Pinkie came back with my stuff after a few minutes and I tore into the bran muffin with furious vengeance. Muffins killed my family, took everything from me; I couldn't let the delicious bastard live on in my presence. Not after what muffins have cost me.

Muffin Wars. Never forget.

Incredibly dumb bullshit aside, the muffin was good and the malt was great, so I got out of Pinkie’s hair after learning that Maud was outside of town, looking for more rocks to add to her collection. I didn’t know exactly where she was at, so I wandered around the outskirts of town, trusting my gut to tell me where she was, though it’s never actually worked like that. I did, however, try and expand my awareness by tuning into my gut’s feelings and that was… Interesting. I found that I could feel for the environment while moving, and that I could do a decent amount of observing just by walking around and letting the surroundings come up on my mental map as they pleased. I actually did manage to find Maud, though whether it was by accident or by Magic, I didn’t really know.
I strolled up to my lover with a little hesitation since I didn’t want to step on anything she might be interested in, but Maud was pretty much just standing still, looking at rocks on the ground in a rocky area. Nothing struck me as being terribly interesting, but Maud was putting off a rather positive vibe, so I said, “Looking for love outside of your ever present Boulder?”

Maud frowned ever so slightly. “I will withhold a comment that would hurt your feelings. You will not assume such a thing again.”

“It was a joke, Mable. I wasn’t trying to irritate you or niggle ya.” I said placatingly.

She spared me a glance. “I see… How was your night?”

“... Lonely. It wasn’t all bad, but I missed you.” I answered honestly.

“Why did you miss my presence?” Maud pressed.

“... You put me at ease. I don’t feel as unpredictable when I’m with you, in a manner of speaking. I dunno how to put it, but you make me feel like I’m not about to get stabbed.” And that was saying something. I generally feel like I’m about to get stabbed.

My lover folded her arms and gave me the most mild look I’ve ever gotten from… Fuckin’, I’ve seen faces in nature, in trees, and whatnot, that were more expressive than Maud. Two holes and a line through stone could make a decent face that could do an emotion well enough, but Maud? No, she had to be confusing as shit. I couldn’t tell if she was irritated or amused at whatever I’d apparently said wrong, and that rather sucked eggs because I seemed to be fucking up a lot and Pinkie kept driving that wedge between Maud and I…

“Garrison Varas; are you possibly too macho to say that I make you feel safe?” Maud asked, her monotone unreadable.

“There’s no such thing as safe. Expect the unexpected.”

“... Tell me you are joking.”

“... Would it help if I said that you make me feel like I’m not going to get stabbed?”

“Describe your feelings on whether or not you are about to be slapped.”

We’d been maintaining steady eye contact, so I just had to let the Magic do its thing like I’d been doing. After gleaning some helpful information from Maud’s melon, I said, “You make me feel safe and cared for. You make me feel like I’m not alone, but it…” I trailed off, my face brightening. She’d been right. I was sacrificing a lot of pride to say any of this to her.

“But it what?” She asked quietly.

“... Only helps when I have you around.” I confessed softly. “Can we be done with the pillow-talk and save that for when we’re actually, y’know, near some pillows?”

Maud raised her chin. “What does Furladra make you feel.”

“Confused.” I answered flatly.

“Ha. Ha-Ha. Your Queen comes to claim you and you chose the farmer’s daughter.” Maud raised her eyebrows high, which was odd. I’d never seen her do it. “What is your life, Garrison? What is it to live your life?”

“You get a lot of achy shoulder blades, achy hands, and tired eyes. That’s pretty much it.”

“Backstabbing, constant trading and haggling, and being incredibly cynical. Your words are poetic in a way. A simple man’s quotes that have deeper meanings than what the average ear would hear.” Maud took a few steps toward me. “I suppose in this way we have found common ground. I find that only those closest to me know of my current state emotionally. I believe you have the same problem as well, do you not?”

I sighed. “Yeah, to an extent.”

“My point. You have trouble, or rather, you choose to make your emotions indecipherable through your words, and I have noticed a shift in your demeanor when you intend on talking your way out of trouble. Your mask fits as well as mine, and I believe this brings us closer.”

“You’re not wrong. I can generally tell how you’re feeling, but when nothing is happening, I can’t ever seem to get into that head of yours. You’re an enigma to me at times, ” Maud stopped a step away from me, “ and I can’t help but wonder if you feel the same way about me. You’ve been in all of my business so far besides the first bit. We’ve had time to get to know each other a little, but-”

“We do not know each other completely. I will admit, Garrison, that I do not regret choosing you. You have proven capable and worthy of respect, but you are a danger to be around.” Maud shook her head. “You attract the worst kind of trouble wherever you go. There is trouble in Jolly Junction. I do not want to see you die in Jolly Junction.”

I wiggled the thumb with the Slave Ring thing on it. “I can’t exactly escape. My only other options right now are to go abroad or head back to Minosia.”

She sighed. “... Then I suppose we have no choice. I hope you live through life as a Ranger. I really do.”

I pinched the bride of my nose. “Mortality rate?”

“... You do not want to hear it.”

“Humour me.”

“... Three in five in the first year. Those who make it to their third year are generally trained well enough to make a career of the job, but four of five die in their second year since that’s when they get sent on the most dangerous missions. If you are not training or recuperating from a mission, you will be making sure that Equestria stays peaceful.” Maud said grimly.

I slid my hands down my face. “So Celestia handed me a sugar-coated death sentence. Bloody fucklesnatcha!”

“... What?”

I sighed heavily and shook my head. “Don't worry about it. It’s not important, but finding a place that sells bows is.”

“... I was going to buy a room at the inn tonight.” Maud hinted not-so-subtly.

I offered her my hand and she took it. “Would you care if I paid for the room?”

“Would you expect to spend the night?”

“I’d at least like to spend a bit of my time with you, so yes.”

Her gaze met mine and mine hers, the moment holding more weight than it really ought to have for fuck’s sake. Three things could possibly go down: Maud might deny me outright and that would branch off into new possibilities. Not all of them were bad paths, but the good would be few and far between for our relationship. If she allowed me to stay, but only for so long, then that would be slightly better, but still yielded many bad fruits. Hæl, even the best route of her allowing me to stay with her was fraught with perils and turmoil. There was no telling how long she would put up with my bullshit, but as I thought I started to consider how dependent I was becoming on Maud. She was my rock, my guiding light in the darkness. She was there for my worst times, and… Well, most of my time on Equis has rather sucked, but still. The thing about that was that I didn’t like feeling dependent on someone else. I realized that I’d always sought some sort of parental figure, but the few women I’d kept company in the past years were rarely worth mentioning twice.

Maud was different.
Mauble… She made me feel less… I don’t suppose it would be more Human. I acknowledge that I’ve never been anything other than a Human, but… I don’t know. Mayhap it’s something to do with my ultimate Fate, whatever that may be. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling, but it doesn’t suck limes nearly as bad as when Maud happened to be around. The woman was someone I wanted in my life by any means necessary, and I decided to fight for her through my words.
I looked her in the eyes and started the countdown. “Maud, I want to-”

“Gauche, I miss your warmth,” Three. “but the sound of your voice, “ Two. “ does not comfort me right now.” One. “You are forcing me to make a very hard choice.” She said softly. ‘I never wanted this. Why did this shady Force of Nature intervene and ruin this for me?’

“Let me share your burdens, then.” I requested, hearing her true voice for the first time in her mind. I was able to hide my complete fascination and newly found mild obsession with hearing her thoughts well enough, but I felt my eyes widen and I subconsciously bit my lip.

‘Would you truly be so kind?’ Maud thought rather rudely. “I can feel it, Gauche. Stop.”

I blinked and tilted my head. “Do what?”
‘I will hit you’. “I can feel your presence in my mind.”

I flicked my gaze to her left hand and back to her eyes. “It happens when I look someone in the eyes too long. Sorry, Mauble.”

“Do you even realize the level of offense you have committed?” Maud said, her voice level and monotonous as usual, but there was a hard gleam in her eyes that made me want to to be anywhere else.

I shook my head slowly. “... Should I be getting flowers or groveling right now?”

“You should be finding another woman.” Maud said, blinking three times in rapid succession. “If you still wish to be a part of Bite-Back, I will put you in contact with another Agent. Please do not contact me further, Garrison Varas. Take your heart back and return mine.” She made a gesture: her thumb curled into her palm and her fingers cupped over her heart. Maud flipped her hand and pushed it toward me, and though she didn’t touch me, I felt like I’d been hit in the chest by something that didn’t like me much.

Maud walked past me, heading to town while I stood and stared off into the distance, lost. I didn’t even fully understand what I had done to lose her, not even a full minute after I’d sworn to make sure she knew that I wanted her to stay. I turned tail and bolted, rushing toward Maud as fast as my feet would carry me, my heart hammering in my chest. I didn’t have to sprint very long, but I did regret the action. As soon as I started slowing down so I could stop next to her, Maud must have struck, because the candle’s flame was snuffed out like so many others. However, being unconscious tends to be alright, and for the first little bit of nothingness, it was. I don’t know how long that nothingness lasted because it was nothing, and therefore had no meaning in temporality, but now I’m actually sounding like a raving looney.

To explain why my ‘unconsciousness’ ended early, Furladra decided that I needed to visit, so she brought me to her realm. I awoke to find that I wasn’t face-down on a rough, gravelly terrain, but a fine, black silk comforter that smelled of ginger and cinnamon. In a daze, I clutched at the blankets and buried my face in them, taking a deep breath to memorize the scent. It made my face feel warm and the more I breathed it in, the more the warmth spread. Once it resided in every part of me, I lifted my head and looked around lazily, though that was mostly because I had a good feeling in my gut and no recollection of what had just happened. I saw a black and silver garment of some kind and felt Furladra run her fingers through my hair.

“Good morning, Sweetlove. Did you sleep well?” She asked kindly.

I rolled onto my side so I could see her properly, and when I did, I looked up at her and it all hit me at once. “... Fuckin’ fuck.”

Furladra gave me a conciliatory smile. “It’ll be fine, Sweetlove. I know your heart hurts, but now there’s no more confusion, yeah?”

I reached up for her hand and she let me have it, holding my hand to her face. “Mistress, that’s not what I really want to hear right now.”

“I know, but I want you to know that you’ll always have my love, my darling little rogue.” She crooned.

“... What about Ladesa?” I asked softly. “Would you love me more than your own daughter?”

She guided my hand down to her throat and further still to one of her unfortunately warm, soft, pliant breasts and let my hand rest there. “I think you misunderstand my relationship with my daughter, Garry. Ladesa got herself disowned, and don’t let her tell you any different. Now; are we going to talk about my disappointment, or are we going to do some… Healing.” She ended with a purr.

I sat up and held Furladra’s hand, nibbling on my lip while looking into her bottomless green eyes. “... Furladra, you know I was abandoned by my parents.”

She sighed. “So you’re digging into the past?”
“Ladesa is a longtime Varas. If it wasn’t you, would you still ask that I not-”

“Sweetlove, I’ll tell you everything, I just prefer comfort sex.” Furladra said, sounding disappointed.

I gave her an odd look and asked, “Did I just tell a Goddess that I’d rather talk than have sex?”

“Yup.”

“... Am I a tribad?”

“You’re not a Sugarlad, you’ve just your loyalties. I respect that, and I like it. In that order.” She leaned forward and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Now what’s your first question, Lover-Boy?”

“Why are you making Ladesa live eternity in Thief’s Lives?” I asked.

Ladesa pushed me onto my back and laid on my arm, drawing a little circle on my chest when she got settled down. “Where to start, where to start… Hmm… I suppose you could start with the fact that Ladesa is probably one of the least capable Varas around Terra in general. I mean, she’s not pitiful, but the Guild runs on merit and income, and she wasn’t good at casing the good marks or humbling herself at all. The girl had a big head and none of the skills to back it up.”

“... Please tell me that’s not the only reason.” I requested softly.

I felt Furladra start drawing something else, though I couldn’t tell the exact shape it was. “It was a lot of things, Gauche. She thought she could steal from the Gods, steal from me, and that there would never be any consequences. I wasn’t even the one to cast her down, you know. I was there, but I couldn’t protect her from her own idiocy forever.”

“So she stole from other Gods and that earned her a punishment?”

“Thieves don’t last long after they’ve been made. When the Gods feel like they’ve been personally affronted, then they’re not afraid to enter someone else’s realm and make sure that their voice is heard. I had too many people telling me that Ladesa had taken something only to find that she really had been stupid enough to get caught. I didn’t disown her because she was a disgrace: I disowned her because I had to so I could save her eternal soul.” Furladra sighed. “Dissida and Trike still want her head on a pike, but as long as she keeps her nose to the ground and continues to lie low, then they won’t know where she is.”

“... So you’ve been protecting her by changing her face?” I asked softly.

“It’s not something I really want to do, but it’s something that keeps her alive. If she stays the same for too long, not only will the people around her grow suspicious, but the Gods she’s offended most would have sussed her out eventually. The Terran Gods don’t really have a place on Equis, so she’s safe enough for the time being, but ultimately it’s still wise to let her little ‘curse’ run its course. At least until she’s willing to return Trike’s spikes.”

“His cæstus’?”

“Yup. He misses them dearly, and I still hear about them from time to time. Ladesa just doesn’t want to give them back, so if you could convince her otherwise, I might be inclined to do you a little favour or two.”

I’d finally recognized the shape Furladra was drawing on my chest. It was her Seal, but it didn’t really mean much. “I’ll do my best to make her see reason, but I’ve got to admit that the woman is a bit looney in the first place- Ow!”

Furladra stopped pinching me. “I may not contact Ladesa very often, but that’s because I don’t want to give her away. I do love my daughter, so watch that tongue of yours before I make you a eunuch for a week.”

I hugged her to me and she made a delighted noise. “I’ll watch what I say, Furladra. I apologize for forgetting who I was talking to.”

“Garry, how many times do I have to tell you that you can talk to me like a normal woman? You don’t have to revere me anymore.”

I let my lips rest against the top of her head and thought about it for but a moment before saying, “It’s all well and good, but I think I’d like to be alone for a little while, if it’s all the same to you.”

She sighed deeply and covered my body with hers. “Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay a little longer?”

“No, I’m not convinced at all.” I answered honestly.

Furladra made another happy sound before purring. “You won’t regret it, Sweetlove. Now, how can Furry help you mend that broken heart?”

The correct answer was sex, but my answer was, “Can we just stay like this for a little bit? You feel nice.”

Furladra propped herself up and let her locks fall to either side of my face, trapping us both in curtains crafted from follicles. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be snogging?”

She had me there, so I sat up and she fell back onto my thighs so we could start slowly. It was a rewarding experience that made my heart ache a lot less than it had been up until that point, but I still couldn’t help but feel like Furladra wasn’t being as forthcoming as she was appearing to. How she managed to slip past all of my defenses and place herself in my heart already left me feeling a little dizzy, but it was a pleasant kind of dizziness that came from being drunk and happy rather than feeling like I was about to chuck at any moment. While my lips were locked with Furladra’s, my day steadily got brighter and brighter, but before I could let the pains of the day ease away completely, Furladra pulled back, nibbling on my lips as she went along.

“Sweetlove~” My Goddess crooned sensually.

“Yes, Furladra?” I asked breathlessly.

“Have you ever seen a shaven woman?”

“... I have not.” I answered uneasily.

She grinned and kissed me again, but it was brief this time around. “Maybe next time then. I’ll see you soon, my dear Gary-Berry.”

“How long will it be?”

“Oh, attached already?” Furladra teased.

“Well, now that I don’t have a distraction from the woman I should have been focusing on in the first place, I’d rather like to know that I’ll see you sooner rather than later.” I gave her a sheepish smile.

She let her arms rest over my shoulders and smiled. “You’re forgiven, Sweetlove. Just don’t make a habit of trying to make me jealous, okay?”

“No woman I’ve ever met compares to you, Furladra. Truly, there are none like you.” I replied praisingly.

Furladra beamed before guiding my head into her bosom. “Waking up isn’t going to be fun, but I want you to remember this moment when you do. It’s not that bad, Garrison; you’ve just had a little hiccup in the plan. Keep your wits about you, Bruvva.”

“I sharpen them daily.” I chuckled. “Thank you, Furladra. You didn’t have to come.”

She headbutted me softly. “I did if I actually wanted to show that I want you. I called dibs in the end, but if I can have you now, then I will.”

I kissed her nose, summoning an awful lot of courage for the familiar gesture. “It makes my heart beat like a madman with a drum when you claim me. I think I might be fond.”

My Goddess smiled once more, but the next time I blinked, I felt myself shift and face downward on the ground, my jaw aching and my head throbbing. I’d been knocked out before, so I put two and two together and figured that Maud flattened me for trying to go after her. Again, it took me a moment to realize what was going on once the nothingness had faded, but I felt like no time had passed between my final flirtation with Furladra and my lamentable loss of my lover.

My mind was acting like a fried fish, and I was slowly glueing the events back together as I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and made my way back to town.

✯☾Ω☽✯

I watched on passively as Garrison talked to Furladra before shifting my focus to Applejack and Ladesa for a spell, the pair of them making headway into becoming lifelong friends. They worked in the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, though Ladesa had been free to leave for some time at this point. Applejack, however, was glad for the company as she kicked trees like a crazy person to make apples drop out of them like Magic. It was good bonding time for both of them, and as they casually chatted and worked up a sweat doing manual labour, they found that Ladesa was actually pretty damn good with a giant wooden mallet.

I mean, I might be God, but a woman with a two-handed blunt weapon always makes me smile. It just makes the world seem a little brighter.

As the pair moved onto the last trees of the current section, I whispered to Applejack. ‘Having fun?’

‘Yes, Actually’ She thought back.

“-but the guy was all like, ‘You stole me coinpurse!’,” Ladesa did a silly gruff voice, “so I had to look at the guy and ask, ‘Where do you think I hid it? Up me bloody snatch?’.”

Applejack snorted and burst with laughter. “But why were ya naked in the first place, Desa!? Why!?”

Ladesa blushed. “It was a bathhouse!”

“They had communal baths in Avalesce?”

“Well, yeah. When most of the folks can’t actually afford a house or the wood for a fire, most people either bathe in the bathhouse or in some water nearby.”

“When was the last time you actually took a bath, though? Isn’t a shower just better?”

Ladesa’s face flushed before she realized that Applejack wasn’t trying to imply that she stank. “I dunno what a shower is. Is that when ya just bathe in rain?”

Applejack gave her a funny look. “When was the last time ya heard of somepony washin’ up in rain?”

“When was the last time you heard me ask about some newfangled thingamabob thatcha had?”

“Ya mean like the lamps?” Applejack teased.

Ladesa nodded and smiled. “Those things are so victus! They’re like little torches that
don’t blind you!”

The Mare just chuckled and shook her head for a moment before they came to their final copse. “Alright, Desa. I’ll betcha that I can nail these two rows and start on yours before ya can even get halfway done!”

The Demi-Goddess ate the bait like it was candy coated. “You’re on, farm-girl!”

And so they tried their mettle against each other, though Applejack didn’t know if she would actually manage to win for sure. Ladesa was no slouch with the mallet, but Applejack had been kicking fucking trees for years. I decided to give them each a little pep talk. ‘Rah rah rah! Go go go! Ap-ple-jack will run the show!’

“Are ya really doin’ this now? Seriously? Where do ya go when I actually need ya!?’ Applejack thought at me petulantly.

‘Watching instead of talking. Duh.’

She started thinking some very unkind things about and at me for a little while, so I decided to look into Ladesa’s mind and give her a cheer for herself. ‘De-sa, De-sa, she’s the gal! She’ll fuck up all of your pals!’

“Shut up, Max.” She chuckled.

‘You know you love me.’

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your Mum’s still fat.” Ladesa whacked her third tree and apples fell into some buckets like it was supposed to make sense to the average mind.

‘Sure, but your Mum gay.’

She chuckled again. “True enough. Mind helping me cheat?”

‘What are you going to ask for if you win?’

“Uh… I dunno.” Ladesa whacked anther tree and apples rained down.

‘Make it a kiss and I’ll make sure you win.’

“Shut the fuck up you ancient lecher!” Her face flushed and she burst into giggles. “You just want to see two cute girls snog, don’t you?”

‘Zoinks! Let’s skedaddle gang!’

“I still don’t get you.” She shook her head and carried the buckets from her trees over to the wagon they’d brought along with them, making a trip for every two buckets.

Applejack, however, could do four in one go without really trying, so she was able to beat Ladesa handily, though neither of them were terribly upset about the outcome. When they got back to the wagon, Applejack started dragging it along as Ladesa asked, “So what do you want for winnin’ the bet? I don’t think we agreed on anything, but I’m sure I could do ya some kinda favour.”

Applejack scoffed. “It was just ta make ya work faster so we could get done quicker. I ain’t exactly fond a’ wastin’ the little bit of free time I get.”

“Ah, I kinda get that. I’m guessin’ we’re not stayin’ on the farm for long.”

“Nope. We’re gettin’ washed up, then we’re headin’ out again to go see the girls for a slumber party, remember?”

“Ah, I wonder if Gauche is gonna be alright with Maud. I don’t think pinkie really wants her with him anyway.”

“Maud’s her own Mare, Ladesa. I think things’ll work out just fine between her and Gauche for just as long as she wants ‘em to, though I don’t get why you’re worried about it.”

Ladesa sighed. “I’m just… Varas look out for each other and Gauche has done a lot of looking out for me. I just wanna be able to help the guy out since he’s been doing me so many favours, y’know?”

“How would getting involved in his relationship be doin’ him any favours? Best thing is to just let it play out. Unless you’re worried about him gettin’ with your Momma instead.” Applejack giggled.

The Human rolled her eyes. “I doubt she would actually take him as a consort, but he does have way too much of her favour.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t worry about it. If your Momma don’t like ya, just know that I do.” Applejack gave her a warm smile.

Ladesa, thinking of my words from earlier, couldn’t help the minute blush that spread across her cheek. “I like you too, AJ. You’re a real nice gal.”

“Just nice? Are ya sure I ain’t great?”

Ladesa laughed. “Sure thing, farm-girl. You’re pretty great.

I decided to leave them alone after that, but I’d be paying special attention to that little piece of the pie, if anything then for the sake of seeing some hot, steamy, sexy, dripping girl-on-girl friendship going on. However, I turned the majority of my attention back to Garrison as he realized that he didn’t have any obligation to be anywhere at the time.

✧❖☬❖✧

As I was walking back to Ponyville, I realized that there was no reason for me to go back other than to go and get some rest or go and get food. I wasn’t tired and I wasn’t hungry, so I decided to fuck around with my Magic for awhile and see what I could do with it. However, awhile turned out to mean all night since I was having fun with blowing blades of grass in spirals with gusts of wind that were strong enough to lift me off of my feet. Speaking of… I learned the basics of flight! I couldn’t do it particularly well, and I constantly lost my balance in the air until I realized that I could tie my cloak to my boots and fly by using an updraft and changing the wind’s direction to steer me. It was so cool! I’ve always loved going up high, but I didn’t want to risk it since getting ten feet away from the ground meant that I’d had a harder landing than any of the others, so I considered more ways that I could possibly fly. When dawn broke, I was still trying to form wings of wind on my back so I could fly like an Avian. I could feel the connection to my body as I steered my Mana into my back and let it seep out of my shoulder-blades. I stood in deep concentration for hours, entirely focused on the feeling of wings on my back until I was shaken by a curious bystander who’d seen me from the edge of town. The wings didn’t dispel with my concentration, so I was a little pleased by that.

“Excuse me, young Stallion? Are you alright?” The older fellow asked politely.

I blinked a few times and rubbed dust off of my eyelids, looking around. “Oh, the joys of practicing Magic. Gods above, I can see how someone can devote a lifetime to this stuff now.”

“Ah, trying to bond with your Mana Pools?” He asked, clearly amused.

“In a manner of speaking. I’m honestly trying to fly.”

“Wind Magic?”

“Wind Magic.”

He smiled sadly. “Bout the only thing it’s good for. Are you making any headway?”

“I can feel the wings on my back, but I know that they’re not fully formed yet. Once they are, I’ll give it a shot.”

His brows raised and he whistled. “Wow, I never thought of trying to fly like that! That actually sounds like it could work if you’re lucky!”

“I tend to be.” I replied, chuckling. “What’s your name, Bruv?”

“Ah, they call me Tick Tock. I own the clock shop in town. If you ever need a watch or, well, a clock, I keep everything tip-top!”

“I’ll be sure to stop by, then. It never hurts to have a good watch.” I gave him a nod.

He looked around for a moment and gave me a devious grin. “You strike me as a trustworthy kinda Stallion. How would you feel about some enchanted watches?”

“I know an Artificer and he’s a B-Rank. I think I’m covered.” I said kindly, shutting down his sell instantly.

Tick Tock blinked. “... Oh. Damn. I guess you don’t run into too many of those.”

I shook my head. “He’s a valuable asset, that’s for sure. If there’s nothing else, I need to go find something to eat.”

“Ah, sorry to have interrupted you and held you up.” He apologized graciously.

“Think nothing of it, Bruv. Be seeing you.” I started off in a random direction so I’d know if he was following me.

“Uh, Gauche? Town’s that way.” He said as I walked away.

I stopped and looked at him. “I never told you my name.”

“... Bye!” He bolted and ran for town while I followed at a much more sedated gait, my empty stomach and irritation preventing me from chasing after him.

I just wanted to be left alone for the most part, so I got into town and asked some of the early risers about where I could find a meal before sunset. Everyone I asked told me to head to The Scrambled Sun for breakfast, so I took their advice and made my way to the place that was called a ‘diner’. Once I reached my destination, I let myself in and took a seat, assuming that tavern rules were in play while I browsed the menu. I’d never heard of a ‘huevos rancheros’, but they sounded good, so I ordered them and a cup of coffee. The diner had honey, but I had to order something called a ‘waffle’ to get some, so I had a fairly large breakfast in front of me, which only ended up costing me twelve bits, and that’s including the tip.

As I was chowing down on my eggs and varied veggies, a Mare with a coat that was the fairest shade of peach I’d ever seen and a pastel blonde mane with creamy orange lowlights sat across from me with a plate of her own, filled with hotcakes and whipped cream. “Wotcha, Love! How are you?” She gave me a big smile and cut into her hotcakes with her fork.

I raised a brow and sipped my coffee. “Doing just fine, though I’ve got to ask where
you’re getting all this cheer so early in the morning.”

I paid a little more attention to the odd cloak she was wearing and the brown jerkin underneath, giving me a strange feeling that wasn’t exactly bad per se. “Just havin’ breakfast, but y’know some ponies just can’t stand eating alone. If ya don’t want me to stay, I’ll find somepony else to bother.”

I shrugged. “My booth is your booth, Miss…?”

She extended a hand over our food and we shook as she said, “Amaretta Snow, at your service! And you’re Gauche Suede, yeah?”

“... You’re one of Celestia’s Rangers, aren’t you?” I asked, sighing.

“I sure am, and so are you now! Don’t worry, Love! I’ll see ya through to the end of your term and make sure ya get out alive!” She gave me a winning smile.

I nodded. “Can you teach me how to shoot first? I’m already stealthy, I just can’t shoot for shit.”

She took a bite of her food and bobbed her head from side to side as she chewed. “It’s all in the feels, Suede. We’ll get you practicing as soon as possible, so chin up!”

I gave her another nod and took a bite of my own sustenance. “Thank you, Amaretta. You know, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a Pony with your coloration. It suits you.”

She patted her mouth with a paper napkin and gave me a big smile. “Thanks, Suede, but I think I like your eyes and mane more. Black and green just go so well with each other!”

“What color is your coat, exactly?” I asked.

“Oh, my coat is pastel apricot and the lowlights in my mane are atomic tangerine. Are you familiar with Equestrian customs by any chance?” She asked, her eyes full of mirth.

“I can’t say that I am, honestly.”

“I figured!” She giggled. “You know you practically just asked me what my wingspan is, right?”

“That’s like asking your measurements, isn’t it?” I asked, rubbing my sparse beard and taking the last bite of my eggs. Most of the veggies were already gone, so I moved onto the waffle and poured more honey in my coffee.

Amaretta did a doubletake and opened her mouth. “Yes, but did you just put syrup in coffee?”

“No, I put honey in coffee.” I replied.

“... Huh. It’s an old Ranger tale that a good Ranger puts honey in their coffee before they reach the core. I guess the omens are good for you!” She gave me another big smile.

“Here’s hoping that the ill tides don’t come to bear while I’m in the Corps.” I snorted.

“I’m sure you won’t die, so don’t be worried! I’ve only lost seven recruits in the past two years, so your chances are better with me than with most!”

I furrowed my brow. “Will we just be going on missions together, or-”

“Nope! You’ll be moving into my house here in Ponyville! Kinda in Ponyville! It’s close enough.” She made a ‘What can ya do?’ kind of gesture that amused me, but I was still busy being sketched out.

“... I really don’t want to intrude on you. I have friends I can-”

“It’s no problem, Suede! Just don’t leave your door open at night and I promise I won’t try to come snuggle up to ya!” She winked at me and took another bite of her hotcakes.

Maybe it was the crushing blow Maud had dealt to me, or maybe it was because Amaretta was actually pretty fucking beautiful, but I found myself wanting to flirt with her. “And if I leave my door cracked just the tiniest smidge? Are you just going to waltz into the bed of a professional snuggler?”

“Ooh, a professional? Does that mean you get ‘pokey’ before I lay down?” Her gaze went from wide and bright to half-lidded and smoky, her eye shadow making her mulberry eyes seem that much more inviting.

I didn’t think I was making a far leap. “That depends on whether or not I’m expecting you, Lover.”

Amaretta giggled some more and sipped her odd drink that had a string hanging out of it. It looked like tea, but I don’t recall ever seeing tea in a bag-thing. “You know, I don’t get to flirt very much. Most Rangers are foreign, so they don’t like Ponies that much in the first place, and the civilians are always afraid of a Ranger’s lifestyle. I like ya, Love. You’re cute and pleasant.”

“For a tail, you’re not half bad yourself. I’m just wondering why I’m being garrisoned in Ponyville rather than Jolly Junction.”

“Apparently your partner told Celestia that she didn’t want ya living with her any more. Tough break, Love.” She pulled a face.

I chewed some waffle and found it to my liking. “... Yeah. She broke up with me last night.”

“Ah, so I’m hitting on a Stallion on the rebound. Sorry, Love.”

“It’s fine, Amaretta. There are worse things to do.”

“Still, it’s in poor taste. Kinda reflects badly on me, y’know?”

“I don’t see why. I just so happen to be picking up from where I left off, just on slightly shakier ground.”

She gave me a charming smile. “That’s the spirit! What say we finish up with breakfast here in a few and head back to my place for a good morning’s sleep?”

“Ah, I’ve got a walk to make first. I’ve gotta let my sister know where I’ve been all night and tell her that we’re not leaving Ponyville.” I explained.

“You have a sister? Does she look like you?” Amaretta asked interestedly.

“We’re not related by blood, so no. If you come along with me instead of stalking, you’ll probably recognize her.”

She snapped her fingers. “I knew you saw me yesterday! My gut’s rarely wrong!”

“I say the same thing about mine, to be honest with you.” I went back to my coffee and attacked my waffle shortly after, the crispiness delighting my mouth, each little square fucking my tongue in a horribly pleasurable orgy of some kind..

Amaretta took two more bites of her hotcakes before asking, “So why are you a Ranger? What did you do to get stuck with it?”

“Made some morally questionable decisions for the greater good in Minosia and it’s still biting me in the arse, to be honest with you. I did what I had to do to survive, and I’m pretty sure that I’d be a tried and true citizen if none of the bullshit had gone down.”

She kept eating and considered my words, so I carried on myself. When she cleared most of her plate, I was polishing off the last bite of my waffle. “Ah, I think that’s a decent enough dinner for today. Are you ready to take that walk?”

I nodded. “Let’s get going.”

I left a tip and so we walked across town. Amaretta was extremely easy to talk to, and since she was going to be my partner in the Ranger Corps, I assumed that it would be pertinent to tell her a slightly censored version of my involvement with Bite-Back and how that had come back to bite me. She found most of it amusing since I kept it fairly light, but I was still reeling from all of the things that were whacking me one by one. It sucked something fierce, but I didn’t want to bitch and moan all day, so I asked about some of Amaretta’s missions and about some of her past on our walk and she was very forthcoming with information.

As she told me, Amarretta Snow was a small town Unicorn who’d gotten into some strange and powerful Magic when she was young that she didn’t elaborate upon, but she did tell me that she’d retrieved the grimoire she’d learned from in her Grandfather’s study one day. Apparently the spell she cast drained her of all Magic for years, leaving her to learn how to defend herself and her family through the bow rather than with Magic as they always had. She had to explain that her small town was protected by her family and another that had done so for generations, and that such protection was only necessary because of a roaming band of Cats and Dogs that had somehow managed to sneak into the country to terrorize small settlements and build their wealth that way. In other words, it was an old rivalry between the honest country folk and the brigands that make their roads, which I’d heard plenty tell of in Avalesce.. Sadly, one day when they came to town, the bandits had grown considerably by merging with a Donkey clan and they laid waste to the entire village, leaving only Amaretta and a few select others alive to see another day. I asked how she escaped from her town and she told me that she hadn’t and my blood ran cold. All I could do was offer her my condolences, but she didn’t need them, apparently.

We came to Sweet Apple Acres as I told Amaretta about Vex and a few of our tales, and when we got to the farmhouse proper, we ran into Big Mac as he was on his way out to get started on work. He let us know that Applejack and Ladesa were over at Twilight’s for the remainder of a slumber party, so we headed inside to let Granny Smith know where I’d been and to ask her to carry a message if she managed to see Ladesa before I did. She agreed and offered me breakfast, which I had to politely decline, and with that Amaretta and I were back on the road to her house. We filled the time by trading stories, though when we had to head back out of town to go to her cottage in the Mulekick Woods. Still, it was a good way to burn off a little bit of breakfast, and it was an even better way to get to know Amaretta a little better.

When we came to Amaretta’s modest home, I couldn’t help but smile. The cobblestone chimney and wooden walls made me feel like I was looking at a hunter’s cabin, and the fire pit outside only made me feel even more at home. It was a pleasant place to look at, and when I saw Amaretta’s smiling face looking up at me, I wondered what she had on her mind. “Do ya wanna go inside yet? I’m telling you now that it’s even more perfect on the inside than it is on the outside!”

“I’m ready and willing, Lover. Let’s see what’s going on, yeah?”

She clapped softly and hopped twice. “Yesh! I never get to show off!”

Amaretta offered me her hand and I let her have mine so she could drag me inside, but when we got in, I was floored. Every wall was adorned with at least three pieces of art that could only be described as Avant Garde, and the floor was a polished wood that seemed to shine, despite the only light being the Sun as it climbed in the sky, filtered by nearby trees. The mandala rug that adorned the center of the first room was a beautiful study in reds and yellows, all of them mixing together to give the impression of a star. Amaretta’s taste in furniture was styled more toward the same color scheme as her rug, seeing as how her three chairs were yellow, orange and red in turn, while her sofa had a sky-like color palette that was interesting in and of itself. The curtains matched the rug perfectly, and after I got a good look at everything in the ‘living room’, Amaretta took me to the kitchen.

The hardwood in the kitchen was a mess of splatters and scratches, unlike the floor in the living room, though I attributed that to Amaretta being a clumsy cook, or having a previous spouse be a clumsy cook. Either way, the floor needed work, but the storage things called ‘cabinets’ were all the a darker wood than the cabin and floor, and the ‘refrigerator’ was a strange material that I’d never seen before. I mean, it was obviously painted, but it was black and appeared to be made out of some kind of metal, but I wouldn’t know until I had time to check. Amaretta was surprised to find that I didn’t know what any of the things in the kitchen actually did other than the thing that was obviously supposed to be some kind of cooker on top with a self heating oven making up the bulk of the machination. She showed me how to use a coffee pot, which was a blessing, and it was even simple to use, though the pot we made was going to have to be reheated for whenever we actually wanted to drink it.

With the main tour of the house over, Amaretta showed me the bathroom and taught me how to work the shower as well as the sink before she lead me to the room that was probably meant for someone half my size with twice as many things as I have. As it was, the room was a little small, but it was supposedly mine for the time being, so I thanked Amaretta for being kind and she gave me my first hug of the day before announcing that she was going to get showered up and head to bed since I’d made her sit in a field all night, staring at an unmoving target for most of it. I picked out some clothes for myself and waited for her to tell me that it was my turn, but when she came into my room to say so, all she was wearing was a towel that really didn’t cover much. Now, Amaretta’s bust might be around the same size as Twilight’s, which is to say that it’s not terribly impressive, but her derriere?

Lords above, save me from temptation.

I could see the majority of Amaretta’s soft, silken coat as it was slicked down, and I do mean I saw the majority. Her chest was completely covered, so her modesty was spared there, but her bottom distended her towel in such a way that it left her flower unattended, and her precious lips managed to peek out from between her plump, luscious, squeezable thighs and it was there an then that I became a member of the Thick Thigh Theocracy. I had to drag my gaze away from her thighs, and after I managed to get my eyes away from her sex, I realized that she was looking at me expectantly.

“... I am so sorry, but I think you’ve just changed my preference.” I said, looking her in the eyes.

She raised a brow and gave me a skeptical smile. “Preference on what? How long to look at a Mare’s legs?”

“Which part of a Mare is most attractive. It’s definitely the things- thighs. Fuck.” I blushed rubbed my temples. “I’m going to go shower. Don’t be surprised if there’s no steam.”

She blushed and tittered, undoing the towel on her head to let her damp mane hang free. “Well while you’re cooling down, I’m going to get ready for bed. See you tonight, Love.”

“See you later, Lover.” I shook my head and chuckled before she turned around. The perfectly curved cheeks of her posterior greeted me as she turned around, her towel lifted slightly by her tail, allowing the bottom of her bottom to slip out as she walked away.

I looked up and folded my hands. “Forgive me Furladra, for I’m being lead straight into temptation. There is no temptation greater than you, but she might be trying for something. Please slap me so I know not to do something stupid.”

Nothing happened, so I took a lukewarm shower. I dried off and wrapped my towel around my waist since I’d left my clothes back in my room, but when I got back to said room, Amaretta was sitting cross-legged on my borrowed bed in ‘pajama pants’ and a loose fitting shirt. “Wotcha, Love!”

“Wotcher, Lover. Mind if I get dressed in a mo’?” I asked pleasantly.

She patted the space next to her and I sat down. “I won’t be long, Pinkie Promise. I just wanna know something.”

“Sure thing. Ask away.”

“What do you know about Maudileena Daisy Pie?”

“I know that she’s a geologist-”

“I know you know her better than that.” Amaretta sighed.

“I can’t give you evidence against her, even if I had any.”

“Is she threatening your life?”

“No, but it’s against my code to strike out against someone who’s helped me before. Maud’s done a lot for me. She’s been there for me ever since I got to Minosia in the first place, and the month I’ve known was one of the rougher ones I’ve ever experienced. The woman’s patched me up from Death’s Door twice now, so I owe her my life two times over, even if she wants nothing to do with me.” I said, my tone firm, but not unkind.

“If you withhold information from the Golden and Silver Crowns you will be sent to the Changeling Hive nearest to us, you know that, right?”

“... I suppose my Fate is darker than I expected.” I said, seeing right through her facade.

“We can rip the information from your mind, you know.”

“As unpleasant as that sounds, that’s what it’s going to take.” I said softly.

Amaretta nodded a few times before letting her hand creep over mine. “... I know Maud from Bite-Back. She told me about what Odysseus did to you. Who he made you… consume.”

“... Can we not talk about that?”

She gave me a warm, tender smile. “Love, my orders were to slit your throat if you gave Maud up. Do you know who those orders came from?”

“I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me that it was the Quarter Chief, was it?” I asked.

“Quarter Chief gets his orders from Celestia~” Amaretta sang cheerfully.

The blood drained from my face. “... Fuckin’ what.”

“It’s true!”

“... Celestia almost got this fuckin’ world destroyed.” I said quietly.

Amaretta squeezed my hand. “Say again, Love?”

“I’m a person of interest to the Creator for some reason. He wants me alive to fulfill his plans, but if Celestia kills me, then the world will crumble at his mercy. Specifically the lack thereof.”

“... Oh. Close call.” She chuckled. “Ah, well. It’s all fine anyway!”

I let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, the desperate need to feel close to someone surfacing, rearing its ugly head like it did on occasion. “... Yeah. Yeah, I guess we’re good for the time being.”

Amaretta leaned into me and took a deep whiff. “Ooh, you smell delicious!”

I sniffed her mane. “Your mane smells wonderful. Roses?”

“Nettle Rose is the scent. I’m really fond of it, but I like that you like it!”

“I’m glad that you like my soap. It was an impulse buy during one of my many stops during my trip to the Teleportation Station with Twilight.”

“You know, as a Royal Ranger, you’re gonna have to start calling her Princess Twilight Sparkle, right?”

“I’m personally friends with her. I think I’ve earned the honor of dropping the titles.” I replied.

“Even then you should still offer her proper respect, Suede. I know you’re probably not that interested, but the few Rangers who actually chose to be Rangers are really loyal to the Crowns.”

I sighed and rubbed her arm. “I’ll keep it in mind when I’m around more Rangers. And you, I suppose.”

She patted my chest and gave me a peck on the jaw, surprising me. “Bully!” She leaned away and hopped off of the bed. “If there’s anything you need, I’ll be catching up on my sleep! Or waiting for you to come and surprise me with a kiss. Whichever.” Amaretta shrugged and skipped out of my room, closing the door behind her.

I hated to see her go so soon since I was feeling particularly lonely at the moment, but I myself was starting to get tired, so I got dressed for bed and tried to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me rest. After all, Maud had given me no real explanation as to why she didn’t want to be with me, but I could assume a few things. One would be the complicated relationship I had with Furladra, who I would always side with if she ever so much as asked, and another thing probably had to be the fact that my future seemed to be drawing nearer and nearer as the moments ticked by, probably culminating at either the end of Celestia’s pen or some bandit’s lucky arrow. However, there was also the fact that Maud had been able to tell that I was reading her mind when I was looking into her eyes, and I was sure that she felt some kind of violated, and that hadn’t helped my case at all.

I thought back to the moment before I saw her form blur, when I was slowing down to stop next to her. I found myself wishing that I had just let her go and gone back to Sweet Apple Acres to let her cool down for a little bit. I wished that things had gone differently and hoped that I could still save what I had with Maud, but I already knew that she didn’t want me to live with her as her partner in Bite-Back as I was pulling Ops for Equestria at the same time. Just thinking about the fact that Maud didn’t want me anymore made me ache inside, and the thought of replacing her with the bubbly and expressive Amaretta just made my heart hurt that much worse.

The lime-suckingest part of the whole thing was that I could easily see myself with Amaretta due to her positive outlook and the nature of her job. I assumed that Amaretta was a dangerous woman because I could feel mild amounts of lunacy rolling off of her when I sat next to her, and it didn’t help that she’d implied that she’d been a slave to some cretins that needed to be put down for a year. She struck me as a lethal type of woman who could smile in your face while sticking a dagger in your heart, and while that kind of crazy tended to scare me, I just felt… I felt like a dingy in the middle of the biggest ocean available, subject to the winds and tides of whatever storm happened to be blowing in next, and I needed an anchor to keep me down. I knew that if I stayed with Amaretta and she continued acting like she was, then I was going to let lust turn into love and it would hurt all over again when she cut me out of her life, just like Maud. Just like Isla. Just like Rebecca. Just like Heather. Just like Flint.

I was tired of being hurt by the women in my life, but I didn’t know how to end the vicious cycle that liked to follow me, dogging my heels as the memories and emotions swirled around inside my head and made a mess of my formerly organized thoughts. It was like being trapped in an iron maiden made of my own choices, each decision sharper than a tack, more jagged than a cliff’s face, and longer than a finger. Stabbing pain entered my heart and I gave up on trying to sleep alone, though I didn’t know how long I’d tossed and turned, trying to find some manner of comfort in the seemingly few happy memories I had. My short walk to Amaretta’s room was made with heavy steps until I reached her door, so I hoped that she knew that I was approaching. I didn’t know if I was welcome for sure, so I pushed her door gently, surprised that it swung open.

(This is the last part, so skip to stay lemon free.)

My eyes were welcomed to the sight of something I’d never seen before: a woman masturbating. I’d caught men doing it throughout my life in many random places that weren’t always a bathouse or their own house, but never before had I seen a woman with her trousers and pants around her ankles; her fingers rubbing and dipping into her quim. Amaretta’s eyes were closed when I opened the door, but I wasn’t watching her face for long. Her soft moans, the beautiful soprano she gently sang, was intoxicating in its own right, but the sight of her fingers glistening with her own nectar made my mouth flood in excitement.

If I stepped into her room, I would be interrupting her stress relief and would thereby be obligated to either apologize and leave or stay and offer to finish the job. I started to wonder what I should do until I heard Furladra say, ‘You lose every battle you don’t fight, Lover-Boy. Brandish your sword and show her sheath what a real blade is like, you ninny!’

Well okay then.

I knocked on the open door softly and Amaretta moaned, removing her fingers from her most private place. “Suede, give me a moment, okay?”

“I thought you wanted a surprise.” I teased gently.

Her eyes shot open and her face exploded into a blush as a wide smile adorned her lips. “Ah! Come in, come in! I was just thinking about you!”

I closed the door behind me before crossing the distance between the door and the bed, climbing up onto the firm-yet-soft mattress as Amaretta wiggled to give me some space, kicking her trousers and knickers off completely. “Were you thinking or dreaming?”

“Does daydreaming count as thinking?”

“I think thinking counts as daydreaming, so we’ll say you were dreaming about me.” I crawled up next to her and stopped within kissing distance if we both leaned in a little. I couldn’t withhold the temptation to stroke her thigh, so I didn’t bother with it and let my hand slide up her satiny fur, earning myself a definite noise of approval as I did so. “If we’re saying thinking is dreaming, then I think I’m here to make your dreams come true.”

Amaretta licked her upper lip and bit the lower one. “Mmm~ that sounds awfully nice, but do you know what I was dreaming of?”

“I won’t until you tell me.” I quipped.

She leaned in, so I followed suit. “I was dreaming of you coming in and ravishing me. Can you do that, Suede? Can you take a woman?”

I was pretty sure she was asking me to rape her.

I mean…
You-

It was weird, but I had pent up aggression in the first place, so I assumed that I could just treat it as rough sex, which I had some experience with. I wanted to make Amaretta let me sleep in her bed so I actually could sleep, so I had to choose whether to be sexually violent, which wasn’t an appetizing prospect, or I had to ‘sleep’ alone, knowing that all I would have to do was sacrifice my morals once for eight hours of rest.

I’ve sacrificed more for less, all things said and done, so I let my hand drift up Amaretta’s side, overt her stomach and breasts, and up to her throat. I grabbed her and squeezed gently, levelling a look at her that was more placid than I was feeling at the moment. “I can ravish, Lover, but are you going to regret it?”

“Ask me that when you’re done, little colt.” She challenged, trying to remove my hand.

I squeezed harder to maintain my grasp and casually backed up, dragging her to her knees before she hit me in the stomach. It wasn’t terrible as far as punches go, but she could have went for the soft bits and forced me off of her that way, so the flag had been waved and the games were beginning. I tried to recall every incident of rough sex that I’d ever heard of, every non-bloody tale of one of the most heinous crimes one can commit told by one of humanity’s lowest, and put it into action. I slapped Amaretta harshly and the look she gave me for it was incensing to say the least, but it didn’t make me want to hurt her anymore than I already had. In fact, I was feeling pretty fucking terrible for hitting the person putting a roof over my head, but she’d just told me that she wanted it. It felt so incredibly wrong to abuse someone for the sake of pleasure, but then Amaretta punched me for taking too long with my next move again, so I returned the favour on pure fucking instinct; not because it seemed like a good idea.

I’d had to let go of her throat, but I easily knocked the wind out of her and she clutched her stomach, so I seized her throat again to prevent her from getting her breath back and used her moment of weakness to pick her up and throw her onto her back. I’m not exactly the strongest guy around, but Unicorns in general are pretty light, and Amaretta would’ve been petite if it weren’t for her endowments. If she was over a hundred and thirty pounds, or about fifty-nine kilos, I’d have been rather surprised. Still, her weight went almost entirely into her lower body, so it was a little difficult to unbalance her. I was proud for exactly one second before the shame and guilt settled in, my body on some kind of automated-piloting system. Hereupon to be named as ‘autopilot’.

I had to let go of Amaretta’s throat to keep things safe, just hard. As she gasped for air, the first breath she took is when I forced her legs apart and manhandled her so that I could keep her legs from kicking at me and I could easily drag her back to me if she decided that she wanted to make me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. I wasn’t expecting her to do much when I pinned her wrists above her head. Amaretta beamed up at me, panting heavily with half lidded eyes, her warm, rapid breaths blowing across my chin and lips as I hesitated above her.

“What are you waiting for?” She purred. “You have me right where you want me~”

I looked at her, my stomach as sour as a hundred limes concentrated into a single shot of distilled lime liqueur. “... I can’t.”

She craned her neck and looked at ‘me’. “Are you sure about that, Love?”

I let off and sat back. “My gut’s telling me that this is the wrong move. My gut’s never wrong. This all feels wrong.” I shook my head. “I know you’re asking for it, but it’s out of my depth.”

Amaretta gave me another warm smile. “I knew it! Wanna know a secret? Just between us partners?”

I looked into those mulberry marvels. “Are you going to stab me?”

She used one of her hands to touch herself, mere inches away from my member, only to reveal that there was something inside of her. It was a small tubular device that seemed to have metal on the inside and my erection died. My penis was shot to death and buried in black-powder before being set alight. “This is a Mare’s defense against a rapist. See, this little doohickey fits inside without being a real disturbance, and it stays in one place. When a Mare is out of town, she usually uses one of these, and with the enchantments on these, they can grow to fit any male who happens to have fewer morals than you, and it doesn’t really come off. The Mare feels nothin’, and the male’s gotta go somewhere to have the thing removed. Pretty obvious tell for a rapist, and it’s not possible for somepony without the Mare’s permission to take it out. Handy, ain’t it?”

“... You tried to bait me and frame me?” I asked, surprised at how much trust I’d bestowed a fucking stranger.

Fucking. Cute. Cunts. Gods. Damn. It.

Amaretta tossed the thing to the side. “Whenever a known threat is introduced into the Ranger Corps, there are a few tests that come up. We know you’re not a rapist, so you’ve passed and that mark’ll appear on your citizenship pass.”

I stared at her.

She grabbed me sausage. “Actually having sex is optional, but why not, right? I really do like you, Suede, I wouldn’t have been touching myself if I didn’t want to.” I stopped her hand, but she kept talking. “Look at it; you passed the first check with the shower, the second check afterward when I was in your room, and you passed the third check: All with flying colours. It’s a test, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

“... Should’ve expected the honeypot.” I closed my eyes and shook my head, blinking a few times. “Gods-be-damned…”

Amaretta let ‘me’ go and held onto my shoulders. “It’s really nothing personal, Suede. I promise.”

“... How the fuck are you going to bait me through Bite-Back and then turn around and do it for the Rangers? Are you just making this shit up?” I stared into her eyes.

“I’m not just,”Three, “feeding you fodder,” Two,“here tall, dark,”One, “and cute.” Amaretto said poutily. ‘Can we buck already? I will beg you, dammit!’

I blinked. “So you were really checking to see if I was a rapist by telling me that it was okay to rape you?” I asked slowly.

‘Didn’t we already cover this? Orders are orders!’ “That’s what I’m saying, yes.” She
huffed.

“And the Maud thing?”

‘Double Agent life for the win, am I right? Checking loyalties for both sides! Ha!’ “It’s
complicated like that, Suede.”

I took a moment to think about how Furladra had lead me cock-first into danger and shrugged off everything. I stopped giving a fuck. Nothing mattered anymore. “Whatever. Wanna start over with some decent foreplay?”

“I’m actually really into being choked and slapped. Just don’t hit me again, please.”
Amaretta requested, smiling and giving me a little wink.

I looked at my right hand and back to Amaretta’s face. “I’ve never regretted having long fingers, and now’s one of the times where they’re handy.” I walked my fingers up her chest, starting at her sternum while my other hand groped her thigh, the pliant combination of musculature under a nice layer of cushion was heaven for my hands.

With Amaretta’s throat between my thumb and forefinger so It wouldn’t suck as bad, I pushed her down and propped myself up just enough to lock lips with her, and much to my surprise, her lips tasted like almond butter. She let her freakishly long Pony tongue flood my mouth, and whereas with Maud I’d told her to never do it twice, I can’t say that I gave the ‘T’ out of a single shit; not even an actual pile of shit, just the word. I wrestled with Amaretta’s mouth muscle and her her struggle to breathe, though I heard and felt that she wasn’t close to blacking out. Most of the rumours I’d heard about people who liked to be choked ended with the fact that they liked to be choked near to death, so I figured that keeping Amaretta on a constant strain rather than choking the life out of her would be the better course of action.

Between the snogging and Amaretta’s stroking of my rod, I was ready to go again in just a handful of moments. Once I was as hard as I was going to get for the time being, or at least as hard as Amaretta wanted me, She gripped the helmet of my cock with her thumb and forefinger, leading me into her quim readily. I followed her lead patiently, increasing the pressure on her throat as she pulled at me hard enough to hurt. I didn’t care. I wanted to make the experience worthwhile for at least one of us, so when Amaretta’s hand went from my member to the hand that was strangling her, I let her go and stabbed my sword into her sheath mercilessly. Her tightness was incredible; the undulations of her inner walls simply bliss incarnate as she climaxed beneath me, struggling to moan and breathe at the same time.

She cried out for Celestia for some odd reason and begged me to continue in as few breaths as she could, so I waited for her to inhale one more time before reclaiming her throat. The next three thrusts were slow since I’d actually hurt myself a little by being so rough with Amaretta, but her sex felt too divine for me to simply give up. No, I soldiered on as my partner wrapped her sumptuous legs around me and kept me from pulling all the way out of her. After say, three or so minutes, she’d finally gotten used to my girth (It’s not long, it’s fat.) and I was able to bring her to another climax, having taken multiple breaks from choking her so she could cum in peace. It’s sad to say that I clearly recall feeling nothing other than the mild desire to fuck her brains out and the ache in my heart while I picked up the pace, but that’s neither here nor there.

At the twenty minute mark, Amaretta’s breathing was ragged enough that I didn’t have to have my hand around her throat for her to have trouble breathing because I’d fucked her through every orgasm she’d had since, but I was nowhere close to being satisfied. I eventually decided to slow down around five or six minutes after I realized that I probably wasn’t going to get off anytime soon, but as I tried to slide out of Amaretta, she held me in place with her legs and begged pitifully for me not to leave her just yet. Instead of doing what I didn’t feel like doing in the first place, I went with something I rather hoped would help me feel anything other than hurt. I propped myself up and got my knees underneath me, lifting Amaretta as I went so I wouldn't break my little friend. She groaned and shakily rose to hug me, holding me tight as we were joined by the loins.

Once I was supporting her by her thigh, I gave her a few more gentle thrusts and she let out a low moan. “Oh my gosh~ Suede, are we going for round… Whatever?” Amaretta inquired dreamily.

“Can you keep going?” I asked.

“If I say no, are you gonna take it out?”

“Not if you don't want me to. We’ll go to sleep and I’ll leave it in.”

“That sounds lovely, Love.” She rested her head against me, her arms wrapped around my neck.

“I’m going to need you to unwrap your legs, Lover-Girl.” I said gently, though I noticed something.

My voice sounded like Maud’s.

“Sure thing Sweetie~ Oh, I’m gonna cook you the best breakfast ever~!”

She didn’t let go of me with her legs, so I had to say something. “We can lay down when you let me go, Lover.”

Amaretta sighed and let her legs drop, so I pivoted and laid down with her on my chest. It was a comfortable position to be sure, but I wasn’t feeling any better with her on top of me. There was a question on my mind, but Amaretta said, “Goodnight, Suede. We’ll start tomorrow or whatever.”

“Amaretta:”

“Yes, Love~?” She asked sweetly.

“Why did you want me?”

“Because I did, Sillyhead~ You’re too special to pass up!”

“Right.” I answered, completely and totally apathetic.

Chapter Fourteen: What's In Your Head?

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Chapter Fifteen: When One Door Closes...

Chapter Fifteen: When One Door Closes...

✧❖☬❖✧

Twilight was rather adamant about me spending my remaining days in her company. So much so that, as you may remember, she arrested me and directly defied the top Princess lady, Celestia, which should have been a more touching gesture, but I was fairly certain that I didn’t have a soul in my body at the moment, so I was far more worried about that than Twilight finally growing a spine. Amaretta trailed behind us as Twilight took the party upstairs, and when we arrived in the library, Twilight rapidly wrote out a note and sent it off shortly after.

“Gauche?” Twilight asked, sending the note off in a purple flash of light.

“Yes, Twilight?” I replied.

“... Aren’t you afraid?”

“No. Why would I be?”

“Suede, you’re dying!” Amaretta said a little louder than necessary. “I mean, do we even know how long you have?”

“We do, and it’s not that long, Amaretta. The longest a Pony can last without an Anima is a week and a half, but after that, their body becomes free real estate for all manners of ghosts and spirits! We need to find out what happened to Gauche’s Anima before it’s too late and he gets turned into something!” Twilight said, running a hand through her hair.

I sighed. “I’m under arrest, right?”

“Right.” Twilight nodded sharply.

“Then let’s go talk to Ladesa. If my soul is gone, then she’s the one who knows why it’s gone.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “What makes you think Ladesa would know anything about why your Anima is gone?”

“Someone’s been recently accepted into Heavensholm all over again and my soul just so happened to go missing within the same amount of time. I’m willing to bet that someone’s traded my soul for Ladesa’s reinstatement as a Demi-Goddess.” I yawned.

“... You think Ladesa sold your soul?”

I shook my head. “No, I think her mother sold my soul. Am I wrong, Furladra?” I looked around and blinked a few times.

“... Well?” Amaretta asked.

“She hasn’t contacted me, so I’m assuming that I’ve guessed correctly.” I checked my right breast and Furladra’s Seal was still there, so I checked my left breast and my tattoo was still there. “Any help, Vio?”

‘What? Your old standby fucked you so you’re looking to me now?’ An irritable male voice replied in my head.

“Who’s Vio?” Twilight asked.

“He’s the God of Truth and Lies. He’s mad at me.”

‘I’m not mad, I’m annoyed. Mildly annoyed.’

“Well how can I help with that?” I asked, not really giving a fuck.

‘It’s not a matter I’m worried about. I’ll talk to Furladra about giving your soul back, though.’

“Thanks, Bruv. I’m sure there’s something you’ll want whenever, so feel free to ask.” I said airily.

‘Tch. I’m not counting on it.’

“That’s just cynical.” I commented.

“Dear Celestia, you are a nutter, arentcha?” Amaretta asked.

I shrugged. “I talk to the most powerful beings in the universe from time to time. It’s enough to drive anyone a little nuts.”

“... Well, it’s not like you have an Anima so I doubt you care, but… Are you sure you don’t want to be a Ranger?” The woman who assumed that she was now my lover asked.

“I’d like to keep learning the bow. It’s a useful skill.”

“Then I’ll keep teaching you for as long as you can manage, but are you sure you really want to waste what little time you have left on something you’re never going to use?”

I shrugged and looked at Twilight. “Why don’t we summon something benevolent to invade my body?”

Twilight blinked and her jaw dropped. “... The Summoner-Familiar Bond… I can summon your Anima, Gauche!”

“Go for it, Dearest. Woo!”

“... I can’t tell if you’re messing with me or cheering me on.” Twilight admitted, frowning.

I tapped her nose lightly. “I cheer for thee.”

“It’s literally ingrained into your body to be patronizing. That is so sad.” Twilight huffed.

“I think it’s pretty funny myself, Your Highness.” Amaretta giggled.
Twilight shot her a look. “Send a message to your boss and tell him that you’re losing a trainee.”

“Send a message to Garrison and tell him that he owes me a hug, if you would.” Amaretta replied.

The Princess chuckled and looked at me. “You owe Amaretta a hug.”

“Can I hug you and transfer it like that?” I asked blandly.

Amaretta hugged me. “Now’s a good chance, Honey Bun!”

I hugged her back because I was supposed to. “At least you’re nice and warm. Does anyone have the time?”

Twilight checked a clock. “It’s a little after two. Why do you ask?”

“I was wondering if it was a good time to go and find Ladesa.”

“Oh! Yes, we should really hop to that! She should be at Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack, right?” My formerly purple friend asked.

“If there’s a stocking on the door, I say we leave them alone.” I said carelessly.

“What would that have to do with anything?” Twilight asked.

Amaretta giggled. “Well we’d hate to interrupt them, wouldn’t we? In any case, why don’t we get a move on?”

Twilight nodded sharply and looked at me. “Are you ready?”

“I’m following whoever leads the way.” I answered casually.

Twilight chose to lead the way as luck would have it, which meant that we got lost once, but Amaretta got us back on track easily enough, so we didn’t lose too much time. On our way to Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight told me that Granny liked to take afternoon baths, so if I heard an old lady singing and thought I heard water nearby, I should run the other way. I let Twilight know that it was horribly rude to speak ill of the elderly without a purpose and she was properly ashamed of herself until Amaretta broke out a story about the time she’d seen her widowed Grandfather nailing a Mare at least twenty years his junior, which was a scarring event in its own right. I probably would have blushed for her bawdy tale if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t really care.

We made it to Sweet Apple Acres quickly enough for me to not bitch about it out of annoyance, and Granny let us into the farmhouse since she didn’t know where Ladesa was. She assumed that she was out in the fields helping Applejack work, so we sat around and talked to Granny for a few more hours until she asked, “So what’s wrong with tall, dark, an’ bland over here?” She gestured toward me with her head. “Seems awful quiet and kinda… Dead inside. That’s a good way ta put it.”

“That’s because I don’t have a soul, or as it’s called around these parts, an Anima in my body right now. I’m currently dying.” I said casually.

“Don’t sound too terribly concerned about it.” Granny remarked drily.

“It’s because he doesn’t have any emotions right now, Granny. Gauche needs an Anima to want and feel. I can’t imagine what it must be like to not care about anything.” Twilight said sadly.

“Ah. Well, I dunno about y’all, but now seems like a good time for some prayer.” Granny said wisely.

I nodded. “Let’s make some offerings.”

“... We’re doing what now?” Amaretta asked.

“What does preying on somepony have to do with anything?” Twilight asked.

I gave Twilight a funny look. “Not preying; praying. As in prayer and worship.” I clarified.

“... What?”

Granny waved a hand at her. “Don’t worry about it too much, Twi. It’s an old tradition that was dyin’ out even when I was little.”

I got up and offered Granny a hand. “It was still going strong in Avalesce, but then again I think our Gods like to be praised.”
“Don’t everypony?” Granny chuckled, taking my hand and allowing me to help her out of her chair.

“Fair point.” I acquiesced. “What’s the first thing we’re doing?”

“First things first is gettin’ the cuttin’ board out and sendin’ off the three best apples in the house.” Granny said, taking me to the kitchen as Twilight and Amaretta started talking to each other.

“I’ll leave you to pick out produce. Your eye for it is probably better than mine since you’ve seen so many apples.” I said, giving her a little compliment.

“If I ever need my old gold sold, then I’ll send ya a letter.” Granny chuckled.

“Gold you say?” I asked, feigning interest.

She gave me a look. “I got a lot of that from my Momma and Granmomma, and the other bits an’ baubles are from my late husban’.”

“I’m pretty sure that I’m richer than you, so stealing from you would just be spiteful. I don’t like spite. Vengeance and vindication are all well and good, but stealing from a kind woman who’s done me nothin’ but good doesn’t sit well on my stomach. Wanna know why? It’s because spite is actual poo. It’s poo on a platter, and I don’t eat poo, thank you very much.”

Granny nodded sharply. “I would hope that ya don’t, but it’s nice ta know for sure.”

I nodded back. “Should I find some apples?”

“Sit back and relax a spell, Sonny. I’ll handle things up until I need ya.”

I gave Granny another nod and leaned against one of the empty counters in the kitchen, but the longer I stood and waited, the more a faint blowing feeling surfaced in my ear like someone was trying to turn me on in the worst of ways. “-sn’t seem like it’s gonna work out at this point, Your Highness. I don’t wanna be with someone who’s… Not gonna be around long.” Amaretta said, sounding like she was fucking next to me.

I blinked and looked off to my left, but all I saw was Granny going over some apples. The blowing feeling came back and I heard Twilight say, “I know it’s probably looking rough right now, but what if we do manage to get Gauche’s Anima back? You’ll have missed out on everything he has to offer!”

“That’s just the thing, Your Highness. Suede’s not a bad catch, but there are better Stallions out there. I mean, I doubt there are that many who are as flexible and virile-”

“Can you please not? Gauche is like a brother to me.”

“My point is that the only thing I like him for is sex right now, even if I did like him in general back when he had his Anima. The Suede I like isn’t the one in the kitchen right now.”

Twilight sighed. “Then I guess it’s best to just break the news to him whenever then. It’s not like he’ll be upset about it.”

“... I guess that’s merciful, if you really think about it.” Amaretta said softly, her voice nearly lost in the breeze entering my ear and invading my brain.

“I’d rather feel bad all the time than feel nothing at all.” Twilight answered.

“Then with all due respect, you haven't found the right kind of ‘bad’ yet, Your Highness.”

“I suppose not. I hope I never find it then.”

“I second that motion and propose another.”

“Oh?”

“Drinks. After this, we get hammered!”

“Oh. I could use a glass of wine.”

“Ever have a dark stout?”

I made a face at the thought of such a bitter brew passing over my lips. I prefer ale if I have to drink alcohol, but I suppose that having everything taste like nothing would be interesting for a night of drinking. I decided to go find Jameson whenever I finished up at Sweet Apple Acres and ask him if he wanted to go out for drinks, but then I remembered that Twilight had arrested me and that I wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without her. It’s not like I gave a fourth of a fuck about her edict, but I did think that it might be for the better if I stuck to Twilight’s little rules since she was just trying to help me in the first place.

Fuck that though.

“Hey Granny, do you have any liquor on hand?”

Granny tossed the apple she was holding toward me. “I’ve got some Zap Applejack that I like to mess with from time ta time. Wanna burn a couple shots and make it a good offerin’?”

“Sounds good to me, but I was also overcome with the overwhelming desire to get plastered. How much is hard cider around these parts?”

“Free, if I like ya well enough.” Granny waited for two seconds. “Drop drawers.”

I unbuckled my belt and dropped my trousers because I had no reason not to.

Granny made a ‘Not too bad’ kind of face. “Not bad. Ya must make a few Mares pretty happy.”

I redonned my trousers and buckled them again. “I’ve never managed to keep one, so I’d have my doubts about that.”

“What about that Amaretta Mare? Ain’t she yours right now?” Granny asked, the blowing feeling in my ear having ceased.

“If I’ve eavesdropped correctly, then that won’t be the case for much longer. She doesn’t want to be with a dying man.”

“Do ya blame her?” Granny asked, making a face.

I shook my head. “Of course not. I didn’t want to be with her in the first place, she just caught me right after Maud dumped me, so she snuck her way into my good graces.”

“I see… Maybe you need that shot of Applejack.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘need’.”

“Do ya want it?”

“Yes please?”

“Say ‘need’.”

“Didn’t I just say that I wouldn’t say it?” I mused.

She shrugged. “Oh well. I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be right here.”

I waited for Granny to come back with her Zap Applejack, which I assumed had nothing to do with Applejack herself. When she did, she poured both of us a shot and we cheered to being soulless and being old, both of which were not things to be happy about in Twilight’s book when she heard us ‘cheer’. We got chewed out for trying to drink our troubles away, and when Granny told Twilight to go away or start drinking with us, Twilight put her foot down and ‘ordered’ Granny to stop feeding me alcohol.

It sounded a lot like, “Granny Smith, you put that liquor away or else!”

Granny Smith gave her a dark look. “Ya don’t tell Granny Smith what ta do, Twilight Sparkle. Ya ain’t got the authority for that.”

Twilight coloured and stomped her foot. “I mean it, Granny!”

The old woman poured me a cup of liquor before doing the same for herself. “Ya ain’t the boss a’ me, Twi. Shut it.”

The young Princess folded her arms and glared at Granny while we cheered again. “To drunken fun and loose women.” I said casually.

“To ignoring Princesses and livin’ the life.” Granny cheered in turn.

We touched our glasses together and sipped our drinks casually for all of two seconds before downing the rest of our liquor like Twilight was going to take it from us. I finished before Granny since I couldn't feel the burn and she just gave me a frustrated look when she finished. “I mus’ be losin’ my touch.”

I shrugged. “Maybe you’re just too green to beat me?”

Granny looked at her hands and back to me. “Shut up before I hitcha.”

“If you two are done…?” Twilight asked testily.

Granny poured another glass of Zap Applejack. “Got a match on ya, Sonny?”

“I do not.” I answered.

She thought for a moment and opened the drawer in front of her. “I knew it! Lucky gal, lucky gal!”

I gave her a soft round of applause and Twilight gave her a dirty look, but Granny was nonplussed at best as she lit the match and ignited the liquor. “So why are we burning the best liquor I’ve ever had?” I asked.

“You can still taste things?” Twilight asked.

“No, but I figured I’d compliment it anyway.”

Granny chuckled. “Diluculum likes baked goods, but she says that her husban’ is the one who loves a good drink.”

“Sounds like they have it all worked out. What’s her husband’s name?”

“She said it was Kaid or somethin’ like that. Kaid Gadee.”

My eyes shot open before I furrowed my brow. “Wait, you mean Kaid Gadai?”

“Yeah! That was it!”

I blinked and rubbed my eyes. “... Well, it’s no wonder Diluculum sounded slightly familiar. Kaid Gadai is known to be one of the True Elders; one of the Old Gods.”

“Ah, that sounds interestin’.” Granny commented interestedly like she was curious.

“It is. I wonder if we’re talking about the same person.” I scratched at my chin.

“You are.” Max said, having popped in at some point, I guess.

Granny looked at him wide eyed and Twilight shouted, “Hey butthead! How about we have a little chat?”

Max looked at Twilight. “I can put you to sleep if you’re going to be like that. It’ll be terrible sleep too. You’ll wake up and need a nap.”

Twilight folded her arms again and glared at him. “Why are you such a meanie-butthead?”

“Why are you so adorable?” He countered lackadaisically before looking to Granny. “You summoned me for a reason, right?”

She pointed at me. “This guy needs his Anima back.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Trust me when I say that I’m well aware of the conundrum we’re in right now, and if you doubt that, then doubly believe that I’m bloody pissed.” Max growled, the house shaking with his fury.

“Can you stop being pissed and start doing something?” I asked.

Max glared at me. “You know who never got any shit? Iry-Hor. That guy never got shit from anyone face-to-face, and you know why?”

“He was scarier than you?” I guessed.

“Not even. Compared to me, the guy was harmless, but nooo, I just have to put up with every little fool that pokes their bloody head up out of the sand.” Max said irritably, making the windows rattle.

“Wanna go out for some drinks?” I asked.

“Damn straight. Let’s grab Jay and make a night out of it.” Max replied.

“If Gauche goes-” Twilight started.

“You’re invited, but do you really want to be surrounded by men and Gods who want to talk about nothing other than sex, drugs, and doing drugs on sex?” Max asked.

Twilight blushed. “I-I think you mixed up the last part.”

“When you have a Goddess that willing to let you use her body as a bowl, then you get drugs on sex.” Max answered casually. “I can make you a tube and smoke out of you if you like.”

“... Please don’t.” Twilight said softly.

Max nodded. “Do you still want to come to the party?”

“... Are there even going to be other Mares there?”

“It’s a maybe at best. My wives might show up to make sure that I’m not going overboard, but other than that, there’s no one who should be willing to take at least six guys all at once.”

“... You’d fight me if I went?” Twilight asked nervously.

“That’s not what he meant, Dearest.” I said, shaking my head.

“Then what did he mean?”

“Don’t worry about it too much, Darlin’. I’m sure they’re just funnin’ ya at this point.”

Max popped his knuckles. “Nope. I know an awful lot of people like me who would love a chance with a Twilight like her. Corruption fetishes are prominent in about a quarter of the Triple Sixers.”

“Yourself included, right?”

Max made a spiraling motion with his finger. “No. I thought I did, but when I actually corrupted my lover, I felt terrible. It wasn’t solely my fault, but you know how these things go. First you turn them on to drugs, then you move in for sex, and then you marry them and soil them completely.”

“Scary.” I commented idly.

“... You poisoned your wife to be more like you?” Twilight asked.

“Hurtful. Very hurtful, actually.” Max said, making a face. “I didn’t poison my wife. I might be a toxic individual, but I didn’t make her turn out like me. War, death, and betrayal did that.” He sighed. “I couldn’t have protected her from all of it even if I wanted to.”

“So what was your wife like before she got warped?” Twilight asked curiously.

Max raised a brow. “How familiar are you with Multiverse Theory?”

Twilight’s eyes lit up with scholarly intrigue. “Are you saying that the multiverse is real?”

Max nodded. “It’s why my job sucks so bad. There are an infinite number of Parallel Dimensions in a universe, and as the Maximus Omnium, I have to watch over everyone else’s as well. Infinity times six hundred and sixty six is the smallest number you could conjugate for how many places I exist at once.”

“... Wow.” Twilight breathed.

“Shite. You’re a busy guy. Are you sure you have time for drinks?” I asked.

He gave me a grin. “I’ve always got time for drinks, Mate. What say we go and get Jay now?”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. I’ll come back to your place, alright, Twilight?”

She sighed. “How long were you planning on staying out?”

I looked at Max and he said, “I’ll bring him back at dawn and sit him in the guest room. No one that isn’t a Maximus is going to be able to walk by the end of the night.”

Twilight sighed again and Granny chuckled. “Ah, if only my liver was fifty years younger! I’d be up for the challenge a’ drinkin’ all night and handlin’ all six a’ your buddies.”

Max blushed and I coughed a few times, the mental image of Granny Smith wearing a Fancy’s corset popping into my head and making me slightly nauseous. I didn’t doubt that the old woman had a jungle down there. “... Right. So we’re leaving now.” Max announced.

“I’ll see y’all later!” Granny cackled.

“Hopefully I’ll see you in my dreams.” I said flippantly.

She blew me a kiss and Twilight stepped in front of me with a concerned look on her face. “Aren’t you going to wait for Ladesa to come back so we can ask her where your Anima is?”
Max scoffed. “I know where it is, and so does Garrison.”

Twilight looked at Max for a moment and back to me. “Do you really?”

I nodded. “If Max is saying that I’m right, then Furladra has it.”

“... Why would the Mare you said protected you your entire life suddenly turn her back on you?” She asked reasonably.

I shrugged. “She wanted Ladesa back more than she wanted me. I understand that her daughter is worth more to her than I am, but I’d rather like to have my soul back.”

Max popped his neck. “You can talk to Ladesa tomorrow. Once she enters the house, she won’t be able to leave until you come and talk to her, so don’t forget about it.” He gave me a pen and some paper.

I wrote myself a note and tucked it into a pocket, and it read thusly:

Dear Garrison

You’re getting screwed by Furladra and Ladesa, so go and talk to Ladesa tomorrow. She can’t go anywhere other than Sweet Apple Acres, so don’t forget.

With Love,

Garrison Varas

“Alright, I’m ready.” I said when I was done.

Max nodded and walked off, so I followed him, wondering what was about to happen during a night with the Creator.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I was finishing up Shade Rose by licking her slit when I heard a knock at the door. She crammed my face into the gash between her legs as she came so I wouldn’t get away, but my tongue was tired from eating her through her third consecutive orgasm. She really did taste like a spiced lemon cake, which was ballin’ to say the least, but I would have preferred to have a little extra time to get my breath back before she tried to drown me in her juices. When Shade finally stopped shaking and let me loose, I licked my lips clean and wiped my face off, licking my fingers to make sure I got every last sticky drop before looking at Shade’s limp form.

“How was that?” I asked, the manic smile having finally left my face.

She gave me a thumbs up, so I chuckled and crawled off of the bed. “If it was that good, then I guess I’ll leave you here to get your sea legs. Imma go get the door.”

“Return swiftly~” Shade crooned.
“I’ll try.” I promised, closing the door behind me as I headed to the bathroom to get washed up real quick before heading downstairs to answer the door.

When I actually saw who stood there, I was a little surprised. “Wotcher, Mate. Do you know what time it is?” Max asked.

I shrugged. “Time for you to stop by?”

“Nope. It’s time to get fucked up from the floor up.” He replied casually.

“Ah. Sounds dope. Lemme go tell the Vampire Queen in Fluttershy’s bedroom that I’m going out to get sloshed.”

“There’s a legitimate Vampire in Fluttershy’s house?” Garrison asked flatly, sounding pretty damn depressed.

“Yeah, but are you alright, dude? You sound like you’re a step away from blowing your brains out.” I said.

He shrugged. “My soul is gone, so I’m not feeling much at the moment other than this buzz. Zap Applejack sure does go down smooth.”

“Never had it. I’ll be right back.” I turned and left the door open since I wasn’t about to send Max any kind of message related to him not being able to go somewhere and went upstairs to find Shade Rose relaxing on Fluttershy’s bed. “Shade?”

“Yes, Jameson?” She sighed happily.

“Maximus, the Creator of the Universe, came by to grab me for a drink. I think you’re gonna be on your own for tonight.”

She gave me a look. “You would rather drink than have sex?”

“I would actually love to delete the last two hours from my memory entirely. If I could clip the parts with you and Fluttershy out so I could keep them, I would, but it’s not somethin’ I can really do. Thus, Imma go get fucked up and forget what’s on my mind the good old fashioned way; drugs and alcohol.”

Shade gave me a darker look. “I am coming with you.”

I shrugged. “Sounds fine to me. Come on with the come on, then.”

“What?”
“Come along so we can get started.” I clarified.

Shade sighed and hopped out of bed, grabbing her panties as she went along. “Would it be too much to ask of you if I were to request that you lick me clean?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

And I didn’t. I actually kinda liked Shade when she wasn’t trying to make me start a Coven with her, and she tasted fantastic, so that was a plus too. It didn’t hurt that she showed her whole face instead of half like Fluttershy did, but I still liked Fluttershy more. So much so that it wasn’t even a contest, but still. Once I’d gotten Shade Rose all cleaned up, she stalled us further by making me kiss her for like, thirty seconds, and then we finally got a move on. By the time we actually got outside and were ready to go with Max and Garrison, Max had set up a patio complete with furniture and a grill outside of Fluttershy’s house. Many bottles of liquor adorned the wicker tables that sat on the large slab of what seemed to be slate, and there was even more weed in all sorts of colors. A big smile broke out on my face as I looked over to see Max and Garrison at the grill, throwing steaks and burgers onto the grate as they chatted like Max wasn’t God and Garrison wasn’t a figurative Zombie.

“Ay! I take mine medium!” I called out, grinning like a fool.

“Gotcha, Mate! You want any herbs and spices with it?” Max asked.

“Throw on a Cajun blend and some garlic salt.” I replied.

Shade hissed and I gave her a fucked up look. “Do you seriously hate garlic?”

“I planned on kissing you during this event.” She said irritably.

“Is it the taste or…?”

“The smell. All Ancient Vampires remember the days when garlic was used to ‘ward us off’, which never worked. It just smells absolutely atrocious to us.”

“You still want that garlic?” Max asked as we came closer.

“I’m tempted, but I don’t want my Sweetheart suffering for my decisions.” I sighed.

He shrugged. “Suit yourself. If there’s anything you want, feel free to grab it.”

Shade left my side to go grab one of the mason jars full of weed. “What is this herb?”

“It’s called marijuana, weed, or ganja. It’s a drug that induces a euphoric slash light-headed kinda feeling that’s pretty nice.” I informed.

Max turned and pointed at the jar. “That right there is Chernobyl Rad Roast. I know you know why it’s called that, Jay.”

I smiled big and wide. “Alright, so we’re definitely smoking some mutant weed. Lemme see the jar a sec, Babycakes.”

Shade gave me yet another look. “Do not call me Babycakes.”

“Shady?”

“That makes me sound as though I am a person of suspicion.”

“Vampires are generally suspicious.” Garrison added.

I pointed at him. “Y’all really do got a bad rap, in all fairness.”

Shade glared at me, but it wasn’t exactly cute like Fluttershy would have been. “I will hurt you.”

“I’ll kiss you if you promise not to.” I offered.

She stole the kiss I’d been planning on giving her and handed me the jar. “Since you bribed so kindly.”

I checked out the red and green herb, smiling the entire time up until I opened the jar. The shit was dank, and I don’t mean that it smelled like good weed: No, the shit smelled like it had come straight out of a sweaty Super Mutant’s ass crack after a strenuous day at the gym trying to max out on everything. I gagged and closed the jar as fast as I could while Max rolled his fucking ass off like the dick he could be.

“The worse it smells, the stronger it is!” He cackled like a madman.

“Fuck off, shit breath.” I laughed, waving away the smell.

Shade Rose was pinching her nose. “I think I would rather not partake of that herb.”

“It’ll prolly be dope tho.” I goaded.

“No.”

“Aww, come ooon!”

“No.”

“What if I said please?”

“The answer would still be no.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“What if I offered to do that thing again?” I asked quietly.

“Tempting, but no. I’m sure I could convince you to do the thing another time. I am satisfied for now.”

I gave shade a dirty look. “Fine. If you don’t want to have fun, I’ll find someone who does!” I said like a petulant child.

Shade rolled her eyes. “Go ask Max. I’m sure he will be willing to do whatever it is that you so desire.”

I stuck my tongue out at her and went to go bother Garrison to be extra difficult, joining him at the grill with Max. “‘Sup fellas?”

Max flipped a steak and said, “Not much. Just trying to have a good time after all the bad ones.”

“I’m just trying to get fumbly so I can feel something.” Garrison said.

“I’m gonna take a wild one and say that not having your soul is gonna put a damper on that.” I replied, grimacing.

Max snapped his finger and handed me a cigar that was stuffed with some of the jar’s contents, which I knew because it fucking reeked. “Light up, Mate. We’ve got plenty of grass to blow through before I consider any of us ‘good’.”

I didn’t have my lighter on me, so I just used a simple, brain-unneeded spell that Twilight had taught me a long time ago. A small orange flame popped up on my finger and I lit the cigar, but the shit was so strong that I choked on the first hit, regardless of whether the thing was actually lit or not. “Hot shit, Max! Who the fuck are you trying to kill here!?”

He laughed his ass off and gestured for me to pass the cigar, so I did and he hit it gently a few times before passing it off to Garrison, who already had a tall glass of amber liquid in his hand. He hit the cigar way too hard, but he didn’t cough at all and hit it two more times before trying to pass it to Shade, who’d just joined the circle. She shook her head, so he passed it off to me and we kept up rotation until the cigar was completely gone. However, the cigar’s disappearance meant that we had a fat roach to smoke, so Max conjured up a bong with a Christmas Tree perc, an ice catcher (Filled with ice, of course) and a regular percolator, all in one bong. Max started off rotation with the bong and we continued like that until it was cashed and everyone was fucking lit. Even Shade, who’d only inhaled any smoke due to the fact that I kept shotgunning it to her, was fried beyond belief.

“Dude.” I said, higher than I’d been in four years.

“Dear Gods above, what is this day to be?” Garrison slurred, his accent thickening like tapioca pudding.

“Dude, like, Garrison. Why are your eyes so grey?” I asked.

Shade held onto my arm for support and giggled. “He’ has got dull eyes! Dull-Eyes Dull-Eyes!”

I kissed her cheek and she giggled some more while Max moved the stuff on the grill over to a few plates. “Everyone ready for a bite?”

As soon as Max finished with that sentence, Shade bit my neck and started drinking my blood, stopping after a few seconds and licking the excess off of both my neck and her lips. “Bite taken.”

“That was so weird.” Garrison groaned.

Shade stumbled over and sniffed him a couple times. “You smell good~”

“Hey!” I said, a little offended.

“Let Momma Rose have a sip from you~” Shade requested, stroking Garrison’s cheek.

She suddenly started sliding backwards, being pulled by a black hand that was coverted in white swirls. “That’s enough, Shade Rose. You just got a meal from Jay, so stick with him. His blood tastes better anyway.” Max said.

“But Garrison smells good too!” Shade whined.

Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. “Not dealing with it.”

I looked to Shade and she was blinking rapidly, swaying in place. “O-Oh my…”

I rushed over and put my hands on Fluttershy’s arms. “Flutters? Are you back?”

She rubbed her eyes and looked at me, the deep, oceanic blues of Shade’s irises being replaced by the lovely cyan I knew and loved. “Jay?”

“Hiya, Flutters. We’re having a cookout.”

Fluttershy looked around. “... Jay, h-how long was Sh-Shade in control?”

“A couple hours. I didn’t let her do anything you wouldn’t have done.”

“... Only a couple hours?” She asked, looking at the patio stuff.

“My fault.” Max raised his hand. “I got tired of waiting on Jay, so I decided to bring the party here. I can take it somewhere else if you don’t want a free patio and thousands of bits worth of leftover alcohol.”

“... I-I…” Fluttershy looked to me for help.

I shrugged. “I’m fuckin’ lit. I don’t even know what we’re talking about right now. Was it about how fuckin’ adorable you are? I swear to Max, you get cuter every time you blink. It’s not by much, but you still somehow manage to get cuter.” I gave her a big smile.

She blushed and stammered out a “Th-Thank you…”

I kept smiling for a little bit before the smell of freshly cooked burger hit my nose. “Alright, I’m starving. We made grilled veggies too if you’re cool with staying here.”

Fluttershy glanced at the plated meats and winced. “I-I d-don’t know…”

“Would I ever try to feed you something poisony?”

“... D-Don’t you mean poisonous?”

“That too.”

“Just stay and enjoy the pardy!” Garrison said, his mouth half mush and his glass half empty.

Fluttershy gave him a concerned look. “Are you alright?”

“I dunno!” He laughed.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened and she looked back at me to find a smile on my face. “That’s where I’m tryna get. I don’t even wanna remember today.”

“What’s the point in going that far?” Fluttershy asked, worry written all over her face.

I gave her a smooch and she pulled away, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Flutters, it’s all good! The boys are just getting together for a bite and to make a bad day better is all.”

“... Wh-Why is it a bad day?” She asked foolishly.

I was high enough to tell her the truth. “Well, Garrison is dying pretty quickly and I just watched my brother get tortured to death over the course of three days by a woman who was supposed to have loved me. It’s kinda wig-splittin’, y’know? Like, seeing your sibling die the most gruesome death you ever done seen on top a’ knowing that it was all your fault means that it’s a good day ta get fucked up. So that’s whassup.”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. “A-Are you being serious?”

“Eeyup.” Max answered for me.

“Woo! I’m dyin’!” Garrison cheered.

I shrugged. “Ain’t worried about it right now, but that’s because I am incredibly high right now. Wanna hit an L and start getting high with me?”

“I-Is that why my head feels funny? You let Shade get high?”

“‘Let’ is such an accusatory word.” I said, still grinning. “Why don’t we go with, ‘Shade got high’?”

Fluttershy gave me a sad look. “Wh-When is it gonna wear off?”

“It’ll be over in a couple hours, but we could always get super baked and find stuff to do.” I wiggled my brows at her.

Fluttershy kept frowning. “... I don’t like seeing you like this, Jay.”

“I don’t like reliving every moment of my brother’s death.” I replied.

“... Jay, I-I’m really worried about you right now.”

“You should be. The guy’s a hair away from going off of the deep end right now.” Max said blithely.

Fluttershy hugged me and I hugged her back, sighing. “Y’know? It’s already warm outside, but you’re just so much nicer, Flutters. Your warmth is like comin’ outta the cold and into a nice, warm house with a cup a’ cocoa waiting on you in your favourite chair next to the fireplace”

She hugged me a little tighter. “I care about you, Jay. Talk to me.”

“Can I have a steak first?” I asked, not really wanting to talk.

“What’s a steak?”

Max stabbed one with his prongs and held it up. “This is a steak.”

She winced, but sniffed the air nonetheless. “... It smells good, at least.”

Max tossed the steak to Harry, who was waiting nearby. The bear tore into his meat, and more of Fluttershy’s predators started coming around as Max tossed more cooked meat to them. There was a wolf, a cougar, a fox, another bear, and a badger who all showed up together to grab a snack, though while I was watching it, the fox faded off into the ether once it finished its meal, and the fucking massive wolf lead the new bear, badger, and cougar away from Fluttershy’s cabin, disappearing into the forest as they left. I scratched my head at that, but I had a steak in front of me and I planned on finishing it. Fluttershy also got a steak, but she got hers bloody, so I couldn’t watch her eat it. Garrison was passed out on the table since he’d finished his glass of liquor and half of his steak, and I had few doubts about whether or not he would wake up drunk or wake up hungover to Hell and back.

As the day shifted into night, Max put up some tiki torches and said, “Hey Fluttershy, feel free to bring any of your friends around to share in the festivities.”

“... It’s my house anyway.” She muttered from my arms.

I’d picked Fluttershy up and hadn’t put her down since my fifth shot of whiskey. “It might be your house, but it’s his planet.”

“... I need some estrogen in here.” Fluttershy sighed. “Can you let me go, Jay?”

I hugged her a little tighter. “I don’t wanna.”

“Please?”

I let up and sighed. “Fine, but I want some more cuddles later.”

“I-I’ve been on your lap for thirty minutes...” Fluttershy said softly.

“And it was a great thirty minutes!”: I gave her a big ol’ smile.

She smiled back shyly. “It has been nice... “

“Right? So why don’t you just stay here and let me hold you some more?”

Fluttershy leaned against me and let me hold her some more. “Never say that I don’t spoil you.” She teased.

I sipped my drink before she took it from me and drained the rest. “Hey! Now I actually have to let you go!”

Fluttershy made a horribly adorable face and started flapping a hand about as she tried to deal with the taste. “Eww! Why does it burn so much!? Why does it taste so bad!?”

“Because whiskey is made for effect, not for taste.” Max commented, sitting across from us and rolling a doobie.

I gave Fluttershy a look. “That was probably like, ten shots you just smashed. You’re about to be feeling it here in a sec.”

Max tossed me the L and started rolling another one, so I lit the one he’d tossed to me. “Atta boy.” He said casually. “Knew I wasn’t going to have to tell you how to get high.”

I took a couple puffs and passed it off to Fluttershy who looked at it suspiciously. “... What is it?”

“My favourite herb. You have some that you use for tea, actually.”

“Really?” She asked dubiously.

I nodded. “Yup.”

Fluttershy looked at the joint again and asked, “... So I just inhale?”

“Yup. Don't make yourself cough too hard, though.” I answered, chilling as she took her first hit.

Fluttershy didn’t cough at all, but she did smile. “It tastes a lot better than it smells.”

“Can’t say I like the taste too much, but it makes a lot of things even better. Like cuddling.”

“I’d love to keep cuddling,” She took a long drag off of the L and held it in like a champ, making my ‘gun’ ‘cock back’ and rest against just underneath Fluttershy’s lower cheek over the course of her pause, “but I’d like to go get the girls. I’ll be right back though, Sweetie.”

“You need a better pet name for me.” I groused playfully.

Fluttershy gave me a flirty smile and asked, “Does Caramel Bear sound better to you?”

“That’s fuckin’ adorable. You’re adorable.”

She giggled and got off of my lap, looking directly at my dick. “Jay, what do you have in your pocket?”

“... A thing of some sort.” I answered smoothly.

“Strange.” She commented before heading toward the cottage.

I locked eyes with Max and neither of us said a word until we heard Fluttershy close the door. When she did, Max asked, “She just stared at your dick, didn’t she.”

“That wasn’t even a question, Homes.”

“She also took the weed.”

“That bitch!” I looked at the door and surely enough, when I looked into the last two minutes, I could see a trail of smoke coming from Fluttershy.

A freshly rolled spliff hit me in the head, and upon catching it, I learned that it was lit. “Fuckin- Bitch nugget dick hugger!” I laughed, throwing the straw out of Fluttershy’s daiquiri at him.

Max grinned and gave me the fucked up British middle-finger-but-with-the-index-one-too-thing, so I flipped him off and puffed away at the J, taking it with me as I got up to grab a drink of something I actually wanted. “You just gonna fuck off with that, or do we have two weed thieves running around here?” Max asked.

I flipped him off again and ashed. “Throwin’ lit shit at people like ya done lost ya damn mind. Should be ‘shamed a’ yoself.”

Max got a laugh at the true thickness of my accent as I passed him the J. “Man, I fuckin’ love the way you talk sometimes.” He clapped a hand onto Garrison’s shoulder and the poor fellow jolted awake.

“Fuckin’ Furladra’s Furry Funbags! What the fuck!?” He gasped.

“Sober?” Max asked.

He tried to catch his breath and shook his head. “Dear Gods above, what the Hæl have you been making me take?”

“Alcohol and grass. The grass is probably what’s fuckin’ ya up right now to be straight with ya.” I said, hoping that Max would say ‘Fuck it’ and try to get him to smoke more.

“... Alright, so I’m pissed about that.” Garrison said shakily. “That’s good, right?”

“Yup.” Max replied, passing him the joint.

Garrison looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Multiple times, but now’s not one of those times. Trust me on this.” Max sniffed and rubbed his nose.

“What happens if I don’t?” He asked, already taking a hit a moment after receiving the J.

“Well, all the weed around here has spiritual properties, so it’s slowly drawing your soul back into your body. I didn’t grow any of it, but I did ask a friend to fuck around with the timelines so that it would all grow naturally on Equis, thus making it a popular tea ingredient. Over the course of Fluttershy’s lifetime, she will lose one jar of each kind of weed she buys, but it will only have cost her three bits by the time she’s fifty.” Max sipped his drink with a smirk. “What can I say except you’re welcome?”

Garrison coughed like a bitch on his second hit and passed it off to me. “Th-Thanks Bruv.”

“I’d say no problem, but it was a huge problem. Fuckin’ pain in the arse, it was.” He grumbled. “Had to go through eight hundred different time travelers to get to the guy I was actually allotted to use for that nanosecond, and by the time I found him, he was preparing to go on vacation for the fortieth time this year! Lazy fourth-dimesional cock-suckin’ fuckers.”

“Thanks again, then. I guess I’ll have to bust arse to get your plans done then, no?”

“Please do.”

I finally found something I wanted to drink and sat back down, so we chatted about guy stuff and reminded each other what we were actually supposed to be talking about from time to time because all of us were deep fried and more than a little drunk by the time the girls showed up en masse. Ladesa wasn’t among their number, but I didn’t give a fuck about her. Garrison remembered to read his note and groaned about that for a couple minutes, but it’s not like any of the girls were outside to hear about it. They’d gone in after seeing our generally drunken state and it probably didn’t help that Max was loudly telling a sex joke as we ate more burgers. Many bathroom breaks were taken so we could keep drinking, and many joints were rolled to keep us nice and stoned. By the time we went inside, the girls were all asleep in various positions around the living room. Max and Garrison bid me goodbye after one last blunt in the shape of a rifle, and we parted ways with God and his sidekick heading to Sweet Apple Acres for something or other.

I found Fluttershy on the couch, but there wasn’t enough room for me to lie down with her. I’d drank myself sober at that point and my buzz from the herb was pretty much manageable, so I laid down next to Fluttershy on the sucky, sucky floor and intertwined my fingers with hers, her arm hanging down from the couch. I was clear-minded enough to know why I was still sad, but the shit in my system stopped the ache from being too bad. The contact with Fluttershy helped.

It helped more than she could ever know.

✧❖☬❖✧

“So do I have my soul back now, or what?” I asked.

Max shook his head. “You need to make Ladesa reject the deal if you want to live for more than a year, and that year would have to be spent getting fucked up all day.”

“Great. I don’t really want to force her to live on an alien planet though.” I replied uneasily.

“Live or die slow.” Max said simply.

“Tämä on paskapuhe.” I snarled angrily.

“Se on elämää.” Max replied flawlessly.

I spit on the ground. “Don’t I fuckin’ know it. Here’s hoping she doesn’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“Hope all you want. It tends to die quick in my experience.” Max grumbled bitterly.

“Tch. Thanks for the inspiration.”

“Hey... player! You’re really good at this game!”

“Fucking what?” I asked.

“Shoot for the Moon! Even if you miss, you’ll… something something stars!”

“Bruv, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s in our moments of decision that destiny is shaped!”

“Max, seriously. Have you lost your bloody mind?”

He rolled his eyes. “You should be inspired. That was me. Being inspirational. Inspiring you.”

“I want to figure out to shoot a bloody bow with my feet so I can shoot myself in the face.”

“Changing our name to Face McShooty I see.” Max mused amusedly.

“Do you ever stop talking?”

He pulled a flask out of his jacket and started sipping on it. “Nope.”

“Do you ever stop drinking?”

“From time to time. It’s more fun for everyone if I have a flask on hand, though. Keeps me from throwing black-holes at random planets, you know. It’s also healthier than smoking tobacco. I think. Probably not in the amounts I drink it, but whatever. Yolo, am I right?”

“I don’t think I want to agree with that.”

“Fuckin’ don’t. It was stupid.”

I rolled my eyes. “Allfather, why are you so ridiculous?”

“Well son, when you live as long as I have, you learn to live in the moment, especially when you exist in the past, present, and future.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah, it sucks pretty hard to be honest with you.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so we continued on until Sweet Apple Acres came into view in rather quiet silence. It was nice to not hear anything, but I was still a little drunk from the night’s festivities and I wanted to sit down, so I spurred Max on and we picked up the pace a little bit before I stopped for a quick chucking. Once my stomach was voided of its contents, we got moving again and I wondered if my life could suck any harder than it did at that moment. I knew it could and would, but I was hoping that being incredibly haggard and exhausted would be the worst of my worries in the next few years.
Sweet Apple Acres came into view as my death neared, though that’s just me being a little melodramatic. Max did have to give me a bottle of odd tasting water so I wouldn’t be too dehydrated since I’d done pretty much nothing other than drink alcohol all night. It was a terrible way to spend my hours and I was rather irritated that I’d had to waste time getting blitzed when I could have been sleeping, but I’d been in for the pence in the beginning, so I couldn’t really complain about how much the pound was sucking. However, I could gripe to myself about whatever I wanted, so I did as I pleased and Max just gave me an amused look whenever I slipped up and said something that was actually intelligible.

“Regretting the whiskey?” Max asked flippantly, like he wasn’t even affected by the copious amounts of liquid courage he’d ingested over the course of the night.

“Regretting the everything.” I grumbled.

“Wanna know a great hangover cure?”

“Might as well.”

“Get yourself a bite of a sweet Mare. Not literally, of course, but there are things you can do wit dat mouf that’ll make them happy and cure your headache. Two birds, one stone.”

I gave him a dirty look. “Shut up, God.”

He chuckled and smiled. “True shit though, Mate.”

“If I thought I’d hurt you, I’d slug you in the kidney.”

He chuckled some more at that. “Used to be my go to move, that. A left hook to the kidney usually gave me plenty of time to run away, but that was before I was trained.”

We still had a ways to go until we reached the farmhouse, so I decided to ask, “So what was your training like? What was it even for?”

“First, I had two Masters, though both of them were female, so they’d be
Mistresses, but I don’t call either of them that.” Max explained. “Second, both of them were thousands of years old, and the first one to teach me, Noir, was easily six thousand by the time I laid eyes on her. My second Mistress was Princess Luna herself, though she and this world’s Luna would have been about the same age when we met them at our respective times.”

“If Luna is like Celestia, then I don’t want to be trained by her.” I said, scoffing.

“Mate, Celestia’s just bad right now because she doesn’t like you. You’ll have a better chance of befriending Luna, and learning from her wouldn’t be a bad idea if you want to kick arse like Odysseus and Maud.”

I took a moment to stare at him. “... You’re saying that I’m capable of that?”

“Eeyup.”

“... If Luna had a dick, I’d suck it. Between being able to fucking fly away and being able to move like Maud on the ground? Oh-ho-ho-ho, it’d take somethin’ awfully special to catch me then!” I rubbed my hands together, the thought of being that damned strong making them ache like I was about to sweep a mark.

“You’ll still get caught.” Max reminded me, shooting my plans in the foot. “Besides, that’s only if you even live past this little event.”

“Cheery fucker, aren’t you.” I deadpanned.

“Eye on the prize, Garrison.” Max said as we passed the gates leading to the property.

We didn’t talk much on the way to the farmhouse itself, and the trip to said farmhouse didn’t take all that long, all things said. Big MacIntosh answered the door when we arrived and let us in, but Ladesa was in the living room with Granny Smith, who greeted us by saying, “Well, well, well! If it ain’t the Party Colts!”

I gave Granny a small grin. “It wasn’t much of a party, but that’s not why we’re here anyway. Ladesa and I need to talk.”

The woman in question sighed. “That sounds about right. Let’s head outside.”

Max, Ladesa, and I vacated the premises shortly thereafter, and once we were out “Gauche, are you okay?”

“No. I’m currently dying.”

“... S’what I thought. Mum didn’t tell me that she sold your soul to bring me back to Heavensholm…” Ladesa said, hanging her head.

“Would you mind talking to her about not letting me die?” I asked politely.

Ladesa shook the head she wasn’t born with. “If Mum wants me back in Heavensholm, then there’s not much I can do about it until I actually go, but I think you’re workin’ against the clock, arentcha?”

Max nodded. “As it is, Garrison has about two weeks left in him without a soul if he wants to live a boring, grey life. If he wants to party every day until he’s sick of it, then he’ll last a year.”

Ladesa closed her eyes and folded her hands, pressing her index fingers against her mouth and letting her chin rest on her thumbs. “... I’m sorry, Gauche. I really wish you hadn’t been dragged inta this shite.

I shrugged. “It is what it is, I suppose. Though there is one thing I want to ask.”

She nodded. “I’m listening.”

“If I die and I don’t somehow manage to find my way back, will you take the Warbling Blade and return it to Avalesce?” I requested softly.

She nodded again. “Consider it a done deal, veli.”

I returned her nod. “Thank you, sisko.”

Max took a deep breath and sighed hard. “I really don’t like dealing with this shit. Garrison?”

“Yeah?”

“Have fun dying. Just remember to have someone put you down for good instead of trying to extend the suffering for longer than necessary.”

I gave him a thumbs up. “I’ll be sure to die slowly and miserably, as per your request.”

Max just shook his head, snapped his fingers, and popped out of existence right in front of me like that nonsense was just going to be a part of my everyday life from that point forward. I sighed again and pinched the bridge of my nose until Ladesa asked, “Heya, Gauche? Ya wanna go for a quick walk?”

I was tempted to sigh again, but instead I went with, “Sure thing, Raspberry. Anywhere you want to go in particular?”

“Mulekick Woods sound good to you?” She asked needlessly.

I nodded. “Sounds fine.”

Ladesa bit her lip and started leading the way, and as we walked, we talked about inane things, but I couldn’t stop the feeling of foreboding I had on the walk I was taking with her. Something was wrong in the world and it wasn’t the fact that I was missing my soul. After awhile, Ladesa started telling me about her childhood and how she’d been born as a child instead of as a baby. That in itself was remarkable, but what was even more interesting was the fact that Furladra had never bothered to mentor her daughter at all. Every good thief needs a good teacher, and I was wondering why Furladra wouldn’t bother to help her daughter if she wanted her to be a good thief when my gut suddenly dropped through my crotch (Metaphorically, of course) and I felt the mild desire to step to the right. By that, I mean I felt like I needed to launch myself to the right like I was about to get hit by a three hundred pound brute, but for some odd reason, my feet were frozen to the ground and I couldn’t get myself to move.

When Ladesa’s dagger hit my chest, I just looked down at it before looking to her in shock, the tears streaming down her face confusing me to no end. Well, I saw the end and it was the hilt of her blade, deep in my chest, making my heart ache as the blade pierced it. In that moment, I felt my living-fluid start seeping out of me, taking all of my warmth with it as Ladesa’s face collapsed completely, her hand letting go of the knife as she begged my forgiveness and apologized in turn time and time again. I didn’t know what to make of the event until an arrow struck me in the middle of my chest, knocking me off of my feet and sending me to the ground with no issues.

As I lay on the cool, damp earth, I couldn’t help but feel… At peace, I guess. I don’t truly know how to describe it, but I did know, however, that it was a nice feeling to have, and that the dull ache in my chest wasn’t all that bad when compared to the creeping chill that started to overtake me as the sounds and sights of the living world fell away to reveal the pitch black void. Everyone whose opinion I respected in Avalesce told me that I was either going to meet my end by the tip of an arrow or the edge of a blade, but I had my doubts about that my whole life. Now that I was either dead or rapidly dying, I didn’t really find the humour in so many people being right, even if it was only four or five people total. As I gazed into the nothingness, one odd thing never left my mind.

Why in the unholy name of Dissida did Max let Ladesa kill me?

Author's Note

Dickin' Dickin' fuckin' bishes got dem fishy pussy witches whippin' in the kitchen while dimes take my time lickin' lolli can't say sorry. get kinda hungry go to Hardee's post party iss retarded

Fuck

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Sixteen: ...Another Door Opens

Chapter Sixteen: ...Another Door Opens

✧❖☬❖✧

I opened my eyes to find a world of grey waiting for me again, but this time, I was in the same forest I’d been in when I’d had the dream about the Hælhounds. I heard them bay in the distance, knowing that I had little time to escape them. I found my sanctuary in a tree that I could actually shimmy up, but by the time I got high enough in the branches to avoid being devoured, the Hounds were raising Hæl (Heh. Raising Hæl. Because they’re- Nevermind.) I didn’t have it in me to laugh at them since I knew how dangerous they were, but as I looked down from the branch I was resting on, a searing pain shot through my left leg, causing my foot and a decent part of the leg to fall off, heading down to where the Haelhounds waited for their next meal. My turquoise blood sluiced down and gave the mutts something to drink while they were tearing each other apart to get at my foot.

Things were already looking bad, but I didn’t know what else I could possibly do. Then it all hit me at once and I remembered what had happened before I’d ended up in the monochromatic world: Ladesa had slain me like a sow for the sake of something or other, but as I recalled the moment I looked at her face and saw how much pain she was in, I wondered what the Hæl would have made her kill me. I didn’t like the way things were looking since I was, y’know, probably in Hæl, but I tried to think of something that would end better for me than getting torn apart by rabid Haelhounds. Sadly, I couldn’t really think of anything, so I was relegated to hanging around on my branch until I faded out from blood loss, which I hoped would bring me back to the world of the living through some lucky coincidence. When I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by Haelhounds on the forest floor, I remembered what Max said about hope.

Fuck hope.

It didn’t take them any time at all for the feeding frenzy to start, but instead of dying when felt one of them rip my throat out, I was forced into a Haelish Purgatory of constant death and pain while my body was being divvied up between a shitton of hungry bastards that made every bite feel like it lasted millennia. I had a mouth, but I couldn’t scream anyway since my face was being eaten and my bones cracked for the marrow inside. Eventually the mangey pieces of shit had their fill of me and my being, but the damage was already done to my psyche, and being eaten alive had fucked me up like nothing else before. I was the Satyr woman in that moment, but I knew that we each had our own versions of Hæl that we probably thought were worse than the other’s. I was willing to bet that mine was marginally worse since I had to die multiple times, and my foot kept getting fucking eaten instead of only being eaten once, so yeah. I figured I got the worse end of the deal, especially since my failure to live spelled certain doom for Equis.

As you might have guessed, I spent a great many years in that forest being eaten and running for my life when my body would allow it. Every time I managed to get to safety, I would have a limb fall off and I would eventually die of blood loss, or if I didn’t manage to find safety in time, I was either eaten or suffered from the kindness of a Hælhound’s lust, which is something I still don’t talk about, years upon years after the fact. It took me over two hundred days, but I eventually came to the point where I started fighting the Haelhounds instead of letting them brutalize me, and when I did, things started getting much better for me rather than having everything always suck all the time. By my first year in the grey world (At least I thought it was about a year), I was already able to kill two of the Haelhounds that attacked whenever they did. Their numbers never shrank though, so I had to keep my wits about me and continue growing stronger as I had to, though there was little in the way of weaponry or anything of the sort to help me learn how to be more deadly.

As my time doubled and then lead to a tripling, I found out a little secret about the Haelhounds: They would die if I struck the glowing center in the exposed ribcage, which was a beautiful thing to know since it only took me a month after that to stop being plagued by Haelhounds, and by that I mean that they no longer attacked me. The last time I fought the Haelhounds, I’d managed to kill all of them with some decently lime-sucking wounds to go along with my victory, but the main thing was that for the first time in about three years, I was actually hungry. As starved as I was, I didn’t give a shit about the rotten, potentially deadly meat that was on the corpses that surrounded me on all sides and instead focused on using the one knife I’d been allowed (Some random tool I’d never seen before going into The Grey) and started cutting out chunks of their flesh as they’d done to me before I realized that they’d never offered me the kindness of using anything other than their teeth, so I gave them the same courtesy.

I ate like an animal, the Hælhound’s black blood covering my entire front as I feasted upon their salty, spoiled meat like it was the last meal I’d ever have, but instead of being sated after demolishing the majority of one, I was still starving, so I reached into its ribcage and ripped out the punctured remnants of its heart and ate that too, which actually made me feel like I’d put something on my stomach. I went around and ate all of them down to the bloody bone, just like they’d done to me, and I topped my meal off every time with their hearts, as delicious as they were. While the rest of their meat was pure trash, the lovely centers of their beings were like eating cream ice on a hot day, and it settled nicely on my stomach on top of that, so I definitely went hunting for more of the Haelhounds since I was confident that I could take as many on as I needed to in order to keep my stomach full.

However, the next time I ran into a bunch of Hælhounds, the biggest among them strolled up to me at a light canter and yipped a few times before running around me like a pup.
It was a strange thing, but it was so odd that my hatred of everything Hælhound was shunted to the side in favour of an odd fascination with the creatures actions. The hound came to a stop by my right side and barked three times at me, looking up in anticipation, though it didn’t have far to look since the creature was every bit of five feet and ten inches, if not just six feet flat. I didn’t know what to do about my friendly murder-hound, so I patted its head and it barked again, trying to get me to pet it. With nothing else to do other than wander aimlessly looking for my next completely unnecessary meal, I pet the Hælhound like it was a common dog and the rest of the hounds started coming closer, most of them coming close enough to get my scent and leave shortly after. There was another Hælhound that kept trying to sniff my crotch, so I pushed that one away until the big Hælhound, which I named Mark, tore its head off and ate it.

I waited for Mark to finish with the head and watched him carefully, though I thought of how ‘he’ could’ve be a ‘she’ and I wouldn’t know since I’d never actually seen a Hælhound with genitals, just felt their protrusion. When Mark was done with his meal, he looked up at me and I looked down at him, pointing to myself, then at the corpse with the still glowing heart. Mark nodded a few times in a doggy-dog way, so I reached in and seized the creatures core, locking eyes with Mark as I did so. He looked away and looked back at me, his rotted ears flicking in the way that canine ears tend to. I shrugged and ripped the creatures core out and took a bite of it before offering the rest to my new friend. He gave it a sniff and sneezed, turning his head and backing away while I ate the thing like it was an apple that poured orange and gold juice down my chin.

With my meal taken care of, I looked at Mark and said, “Mark.”

Mark replied with, “Boof!”

I nodded. “Where?”

Mark didn’t answer that time and just picked up to start walking somewhere else, so I followed him because, and you might hear me say this a few times, but I didn’t have anything else to do. In The Grey, the never-ending light and darkness made time completely irrelevant, and I hadn’t done much more than speak to myself and ‘train’ on a ‘daily’ basis for the past three or so years, so it was nice to have a companion that seemed rather loyal from the beginning, though I think the forest might have just been recognizing my strength at that point because I’d killed so many damn Hælhounds. While on the topic, I’d kept count of how many hounds had met their end at the end of my stick or at the tip of my knife and I’d counted over a hundred kills before I gave up and started remembering them by how many wounds they left on me.

It’d been some time since I’d gotten hurt, so my wounds were closed by the time Mark lead me to a cave that had dozens upon dozens of Haelhounds milling about, and as we came closer and closer, I noticed that only a few of the hounds paid me any mind, and even then I only earned a cursory glance or the odd sniff as we passed them. Mark took me into the cave where the odd lighting persisted, and as we came to the deeper recesses, we both had to stoop until I was crawling and Mark was slurking along. The pass did decide to open up, much to my pleasure. Ten minutes straight of crawling on my hands and knees rather sucked, but when Mark let me get out of the little tunnel and into the antechamber of the room he’d brought me to, my jaw dropped and I went from standing to sitting back on my knees, horror and awe over taking me.

It was a shrine to me.

Made of me.

I didn’t know for sure, but in the turquoise room, there were bodies hanging from the ceiling and posted on the walls as if stuck there by some kind of magical epoxy that wouldn’t let them fall, but all of the bodies had the same thing in common, and that’s the fact that they were all obviously torn apart at some point or the other, and they looked to be stitched together by the hand of a mad seamstress of some kind. I couldn’t believe my eyes at the sight of all of the times I’d died, but when I heard soft, malevolent, unsettling giggling, I knew without a doubt that I’d finally completed whatever it was that I needed to do, and I knew that because Dissida’s laughter was unmistakable. Every Terran has a dream of her on their eleventh birthday, and she’ll happily tell you about the ills that will befall you in the near future and you can hear her laugh as you try to avoid them. The woman might be beyond mad, but I had a certain amount of hope that she could help me get out of her realm. It equalled to about a quarter of a percentage when I totalled everything out since hope was pointless, but still.

While I was sat deciding whether I wanted to throw up or start laughing, I heard footsteps start coming toward me and turned my gaze to face the source of said steps. As it turned out, Dissida was every bit as ugly as the legends foretold her to be, and her angry, cracked, crimson skin only made her look like an even more hideous abomination. Her arms ended in boneless fingers that reminded me of the tentacles of an octopus, just split into four, and her feet ended in reptilian claws that were shiny and looked blood soaked. Her wings were Dæmonic at best and looked like they wouldn’t be able to support real flight, but I’d learned to suspend my disbelief in time while working in The Grey. It didn’t surprise me that I was actually in Hæl, but what did surprise me was the vibrance of the colours that were in the room. Everything looked amazingly clear, unlike how it looked in the forest. When everything’s grey, the world seems to be a lot less focused, like everything’s in a pair of fuzzy spectacles. However, looking at Dissida, I knew that I was about to be in for a thrill.

“... Wotcher.” I said quietly, my voice not used to being used after going so long without really saying anything.

“Wotcher indeed little boy! Ah, it was so fun to see you survive, adapt, and overcome!” Dissida replied, her voice like broken glass in my ears.

“I’m sure it was. Is there a reason I’m here?”

Dissida smiled. “You’re here because your precious Goddess sold you out! She’s being punished for breaking her own code, but it’s just great to finally have my hands on you, Gary-Boy! Ah, ya know what? I only bartered to have you for a thousand years, but I think I’ll see if I can go and convince Furladra to let me keep you as my own little pet!”

“Yeah, no. Why do you want me as your pet?” I asked, not liking where the everything was going.

Dissida glared at me. “You destroyed one of my keeps, you utter arsewipe. And you took out one of the few followers I had on a different planet, so yeah. I want you to die and beg for the Void.” She growled.

“It looks like your Hælhounds like me.” I said flatly, preparing to take Mark out at a moment’s notice.

The Queen of War and Chaos snorted. “So? They might be some of my preferred creatures, but you just haven’t seen the nights of the forest yet. Believe me when I say that you’re either going to have to learn to speak hound or you’re going to find yourself at the claws of my pretty kitties-”

“Wanna fuck?” I asked.

Dissida blinked. “... You what?”

“Wanna fuck?”

“What?”

“Do you want to have sex?”

“... I’m threatening you with six hundred more years of being ripped apart and eaten scrap by scrap.” She said slowly.

“I’m offering to have sex with you.” I replied just as slowly.

“You’re willing to fuck me.” Dissida said.

I nodded. “That I am.”

“You, a man that could have had Furladra, want me.”

“That’s what I’ve been implying, Dissida. Are you thick?”

“I’ll geld you.” She snarled, her cheeks turning purple for some odd reason.

“I’ll fuck you.” I responded harshly.

“Oh yeah?” Dissida marched up to me, her pointed tail whipping angrily from side to side.

I stormed over to her and said, “Fuckin’ yeah! What of it, bitch!?”

She didn’t waste any time in snogging me, though I tried to pull away when I felt her trident-tongue try to go past my tonsils and down into my esophagus. It was an odd, creepy feeling that I wasn’t all that fond of, but Dissida’s lips were actually kinda tasty. That is, if you find the metallic taste of copper to be tasty. She let me go and gave me a hot, lustful look. “Alright, Lover-Boy, this is how this is going to go: You’re going to get me off at least three times and you’ll leave with your soul once your milennium is up. Hæl, do a good enough job and I might let you-”

I ended her words with more snogging, every one of my instincts telling me that I was sticking my dick in absolute madness, but I ignored the feeling for the sake of coming out of The Grey period. “Dissida, I’m about to fuck you senseless.”

She gave me a dark smile. “Good.”

(Ctrl+F Dicking Down Evil to Skip)

I didn’t give Dissida anymore time to talk, and I stopped her from wasting my time by returning her favour from earlier by doing my best to shove my tongue down her throat, which made Dissida grunt, so I backed off a little and came back for another kiss that was a lot more mild. It took a few minutes, but as I started palming Dissida’s firm, dense breasts, she moaned into my mouth and I felt her tail wrap around one of my legs to keep me from going too far away. I didn’t know if I liked the gesture much or the situation, but I do know that when Dissida’s hand caressed my member, I was more than a little confused by her gentleness, especially since she’d been so upset with me all of two minutes ago.

I parted from our kiss and Dissida gave me a pouty look that was ruined by the horrible catastrophe that was her face. “Why’d you stop, Lover-Boy?”

“Do you have a bed in here?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with the floor?” She asked, furrowing her brow.

“... Do you sleep on the floor?” I asked.

“I sleep on my Hælhounds.” She answered.

“Can you make a bed? You’ll prefer it, trust me.”

Dissida rolled her eyes and then there was bed off to my left. I lead her over to it, and as luck would have it, she’d made the bed feel something akin to a soft brick. I didn’t have to lie down on it, so it wasn’t really my problem, but I did notice that Dissida seemed to get a little nervous the closer she got to the bed. I offered her my hand once I was on it and gave her a mild smile to help calm her nerves since the psycho bitch was probably a virgin, as a result of her being a psycho of course, so I was willing to bet that I was going to have my work cut out for me. Once she clambered up onto the bed, I had her help me strip off my clothing and noticed Mark leaving the room the same way we’d come in out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn’t really worried about it. What I was worried about was the fact that I might be dealing with something with no experience in sex other than the rough stuff that I might not be able to get into, but I still needed to survive somehow, and fucking my warden seemed like a great way to get myself out of harm’s way.

I kept up the kisses and gentle strokes as I slowly worked Dissida into a state where she would be more malleable, more receptive to whatever my mind could dig up from the past, and as I did so, she released more and more moans that increased and decreased from time to time until I finally brought my hand down to her dripping wet sex and stroked her lips. I was surprised to find that her quim felt as if it were a pair of fingers curved to fit the form of a vagina, that’s how solid she felt. Dissida was like an elephant in a vaguely Human form, but as for the scent of her arousal, I found it to be a bit of a turn off, but not enough to keep me from snogging her with my eyes closed, her hand around my member. The smoothness of her digits surprised me a good deal, and it was a pleasant feeling as her tentacles wrapped around my length and slowly stroked me as I stroked her honeypot in turn.

“Dissida.” I murmured sensually, nibbling on her neck.

“Mmm~ Yes?” She replied dreamily.

“Lay back and prepare yourself. The first three are coming soon.”

“Hmm?”

“Just lay back, Lover-Girl.” I gave her one last smooch and backed off a bit.

Dissida gave me a suspicious look, but she did as I asked. “It’s been awhile, so you’d better keep that in mind.” She said unconvincingly.

I put my face between her scarily scaly legs and kissed her left thigh. “Did you feel that at all?”

“Nope. Benefits of scales.” She sighed happily.

I kissed her exposed, horn-like clitoris next and she gasped loudly before letting loose a slow, low moan that sounded like she’d just gotten off. “... Dissida? Did you just-”

“I-It’s just been awhile!” She stuttered, trying to breathe.

I popped her nubbin into my mouth and swirled my tongue around it for a few seconds, making Dissida go ramrod straight and scream in bliss the entire time I licked and sucked on her horny little protrusion. It tasted like copper, as did her vagua (Vaginal Agua), but I didn’t mind the sharp, tangy taste as I made Dissida cum time and time again by simply nibbling, sucking, and licking her clitoris. There was a point where I had to grab her thighs and keep them spread apart so she wouldn’t crush my head, but other than that, it wasn’t the worst pussy I’d eaten by far. No, Rebecca still holds that honor. That woman truly did taste like she smelled, and she smelled like raw, pungent onions.

It was a different, hornier time in my life, okay? It’s not like I finished after I got a taste anyways.

I continued eating Dissida like my life depended on it, but even when I managed to slip a finger into her tight slit, it was too much for her to bear. She weakly grabbed my hair, but she didn’t pull me or push me, so I didn't know if she wanted me to continue or not since she couldn’t actually say words at the moment. However, I didn’t need her to be coherent at the time, so I continued on as I pleased because I pleased. I actually kind of enjoyed having such a receptive partner when it came to the acrobatics I was performing with my tongue, but I was hoping to get off and get gone without further death.

(Ctrl+F Dicking Down Evil to Skip)

In any case, by the time I was ready to actually ready to give Dissida some dick, she begged, “Please! It’s too much, just stop!” Through her rapid breaths and panting, Dissda let out a shaky sob. “Dear Allfather above, just let it stop!”

I saw an opportunity and seized it by the clitoris. Specifically Dissida’s. “So who’s the boss now?”

She glared at me with pink tears in her eyes. “I-I’ll let you go! You can have your soul back!”

I pinched her nubbin and she cried out, trying in vain to close her legs, but when she did, she just increased the pressure and spread her reptilian legs as far as they would go. “I want a little more than just something that was mine in the first place, Dissida.”

“Urrg! What!? What do you want!?” She cried desperately.

I thought as fast as I possibly could and considered the options I had in my hands at that moment. Dissida would most likely swear to whatever I asked of her if I promised to stop before she could be any worse off, so I thought of things I wanted. I needed a bow worthy of using, so I said, “I need a bow of some kind. What can you offer me?”

“Oooh~ We’ll look for something in my hoard whenever you stop!”

“Just a little longer, Dissy.” I said teasingly. “The next thing I want is some power. I like power.”

“I’ll grant you a title!” She shouted. “Just let go of me!”

“One last thing, Dissy.”

“Ugh! What did I ever do to you!?” Dissida yelled.

I wrenched her clitoris because that pissed me off more than a little bit, making her cry out in agonized bliss for a full thirty seconds, her voice petering out into pathetic sobs when I finally eased up on the pressure. “Do I need to remind you of the fact that your little doggies have spent more time tearing me to shreds than I’ve spent killing people? How long have I even been here?”

“F-Four hundred years.” She said shakily.

“... How would you like to make a deal, Dissida?”

“Anything! Name your terms!”

“Anything?” I increased the pressure slightly and rolled her clitoris between my fingers.

She gasped for breath as she said, “O-On H-Heavensholm, I swear! O-On th-the Lake of E-Eternity, I-I swear! Please!”

“From this point on, you are mine.” I rumbled. “Every moment I’ve spent here is how long you’ll spend underneath my wing, and you will perform the blood oath.”

Dissida stared at me for but a few seconds before the pink tears in her eyes began to fall and her sobbing began in earnest. “No! No! Why!? Why did I let him seduce me!?”

I finally let her clitoris go and crawled up next to her, “Do you want to know what your first order is, Dissida?”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes as she tried to control her sobbing, which made me grin. “Your first order is to kiss me. Your second order is to make some pillows, and your third order is to let me touch your tail.”

Dissida blinked and stared at me in confusion as I cleared the viscous tears from her cracked, scaly cheeks. “... You don’t want… Release?”

“I’ve never been too crazy about sex, to be honest with you, and I’m no rapist. What all do you think I’m going to make you do, Dissida?” I asked amusedly.

“... I assume that you… Well, I kinda assumed that you were going to pull a Bradley of Amestris and capture me so you could do unsavory things to me and use my power for world domination.” She blinked a couple of times.

“Yeah, no. I just want a few boons, maybe a couple of tools here and there to help me in my daily life. Granted, I don’t like the idea of slavery, but enslaving you and treating you well seems like a good way to make you less sadistic.”

“It’s my nature, Garrison.” Dissida said plainly.

“Then let’s see if we can change your nature. For starters, get my bodies out of here. It’s creepy.”

She sighed and the bodies started falling from where they were, disappearing upon impacting the floor. “Fine. It’s done.”

“The pillows?”

Pillows of all shapes and sizes started raining down. “Done. What else?”

“We can do the kiss and the tail at the same time.” I said casually.

Dissida’s freaky tail wrapped around my hand and I stroked it with my thumb, surprised by the smooth, felt-like texture of it as Dissida tenderly kissed me. “Done and done. Now what?”

“Now we relax.” I pushed a bunch of the pillows to the headboard and laid against them, sighing as I did so.

The Goddess I’d just finished torturing laid next to me, but she was sure not to actually touch me. “... It’s too soft.”

“Feel free to make yourself comfortable, just don’t fuck with my side.” I replied, surprised at the submission in Dissida’s voice.

“Right… Sir? May I speak freely?” She asked, doubling down on the surprise factor.

“Um… Yeah, go ahead.”

“I’ve been speaking to Furladra. She doesn’t want to renege on the deal…” Dissida said nervously.

“... So I’m here for the full thousand years?”

“... I’ll be indebted to you for a thousand years…” Dissida murmured morosely.

“You act as if I plan on interrupting your life every day.”

“You mean you’re not going to show me off around Heavensholm?” She asked, sounding far less anxious.

“Dissida, you put me through Hæl, but I got used to it. Came out stronger because of it. As far as I’m concerned, your debt’ll be paid with gifts rather than services and punishments.” I said, my eyes still closed as I rested for the first time in four hundred fucking Gods-be-damned years.

I felt Dissida’s slippery tentacles poke the back of my hand, and when I looked over to her, she was giving me a confused look. “I don't get you.”

“I don’t get me. My life was weird anyway.”

“You’re telling me, Master.” She sighed. “Should I stay here with you, or am I free to do as I please until you beckon for me?”

“Prithee, feel free to do as you please within reason. Just don’t plot against me or help anyone else do so, if you wouldn’t mind too terribly.”

Dissida nodded. “I can do that. Sieg should be on his way back to keep you company or to lead you back into the forest if you so desire.”

“I ought to get back to passing the time then. If you’re ever in the mood for one or two small climaxes, let me know and I’ll stop before you start begging.”

“... ‘Thank you’ isn’t a phrase I’ve said in many years. Not sincerely, at least.”

“Feel free to hold onto it for awhile longer then.” I climbed out of bed since I didn’t want to get too comfy. If I stopped for too long, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to want to get up and join Mark for some hunting.

“You’re an odd creature, Gary.” Dissida closed her eyes and snapped her fingers once. “Varas Tuuli. A partir deste momento, você será conhecido como Soldado das Chamas. You’re now a Soldier of the Flames. Congratulations.” She snapped her fingers twice. “Sieg will show you to my Armory. You already know that what’s mine is yours.”

“Victus. Is there anything you need from me before I head out?” I asked for politeness sake.

Dissida gave me a long, blank look. “... Would you actually do anything I asked you to?”

“Depends on what it is.”

“Bring me back a branch of a tree.”

“A twig or a good sized branch?”

“Anything will do.”

I nodded. “As you wish. Stay pretty, Dissy.”

She sighed. “It’s gonna be the longest six hundred years of my life.”

“At least you weren’t enslaved by an arsehole.”

“An arsehole would’ve let go after he got his first demand in.” She grunted.

“His first demand might have made you into a sex slave.”

“Might is shite and maybe’s for babies.” She snorted.

“What happened to the subservience?” I asked, raising a brow.

She sighed. “It’s easier when you’re closer to me. I can feel my oaths weighing me down when you’re nearer.”

I shrugged. “As long as you don’t kill me or some shit we’ll be fine, I guess.”

Dissy nodded and I went over to the entrance to the inner sanctum because there was no reason for me to stay behind. I’d talked myself out pretty quickly, and I had no idea what I was doing anyway, so I didn’t want to stay behind and find out that Dissida was searching for me to slip up and say something dumb so she could strike me down with a vengeance. I didn’t want that to happen, nor did I want to find out what exactly she had in store for me now that I’d made a power play and found myself protected from Hæl’s creatures. As I crawled through the tunnel, I thought about what had gone on in the past four hundred years and wondered why it had only felt like a fraction of the time, though I suppose when the day never ends or begins and you’re running for slash fighting for your life and well being all the time makes the time really fly by. It was certainly an interesting thought for introspection on a later date, but for the time being, I was nose to nose with Mark and we were trying to figure out how to get out of the damned tunnel.

We finally managed to get his big, furry arse out of my way, and when we did, I had Mark take me to the Armory so I could pick out my bow, but when we got there, all thoughts of a silly, plain old bow were thrust out of my mind and I was tempted to ask Dissida if I could really take my pick from the thousands of weapons that were on display. I meandered past gilded swords and rusty hunks of sharp iron, shining steel that would slice through bone and pitted balls of metal on the end of a stick. Bows aplenty lined every wall, and crossbows had their places wherever they needed to be, but the thing that caught my interest the most was the wall of guns upon guns upon guns that were lined up on one of the walls. I took a few of them down to inspect them more closely.

At first glance the black number I’d taken down struck me as the best piece in the pile, so to speak, but my gut told me that I could get something better, so I trusted my instincts and combed the walls for something else that might catch my eye. Another gun, a gilded one that seemed more expensive than any operable gun had any right to be, piqued my interest before I saw that it was a matchlock piece of rubbish. My search continued until I found an unusual looking pistol that didn’t look like any of the others. Instead of having a clear ram-rod or anything of the sort, I had to pull a small lever on the back of the gun to cock it, which was odd because the gun also had a lever next to the trigger that moved, which is when I realized that I was probably holding a piece of technology more advanced than any seen in Avalesce outside of a tinkerer’s shoppe or a university of some kind.

I decided that I was going to keep the multi-shot pistol, and since I’d named the stick I’d been carrying since I stopped dying to Haelhounds immediately after finding them, I figured I’d name the gun as well. My stick’s name was Henry, so I named the gun Pamaus because I intended on keeping it. The stick could rot on the floor for all I cared since there were a hundred other sticks that could do Henry’s job, and when I found a quarterstaff (I named her Doug), I left Henry in her place. Why did I name a female Doug? It’s short for Douglerina, of course.

Anyway…

So I searched on and Mark brought me a box full of odd little things that didn’t really make sense to me until I realized that they probably went into the gun since they were tipped with lead. I just wondered what the casings were made of once I actually figured out that they were rounds of some sort, but I didn’t let that interrupt me for too long. After I finally figured out how to load the gun, I unloaded it and went through that process a couple of times to familiarize myself with the process, and once I’d bored Mark to sleep, I continued looking around for a bow since arrows are reusable and bullets just so happen to not have that precious little quality.

During my search, I went back to the gun station and found a fitting holster for my new firearm, and when I went over to the bow portion of the ranged wall, I found myself growing more and more certain that I didn’t need a bow per se, but rather just something that could fling an arrow. I decided on a crossbow since I have more practice with them than an actual bow, but much to my surprise, I didn’t have to look very hard to find one that I was absolutely in love with. The crossbow that I named Timothy was beautiful to say the least, but to say more than the least, he was magnificent. The polish on the stock was perfect and didn’t reflect too much light, but still looked nice, while the arms folded down so that it could be concealed more easily. I also liked that the bolts that fit into the flight groove were all dark and seemed like they’d take to a daub just fine if I ever needed them to, though I couldn’t say that poison would be useful in a world where everything that died eventually came back to life anyway.

When I was done, I almost left the room without Mark, but then I remembered something else: My knife was shit and dull from strenuous usage over the years and was pretty much only good for stabbing at this point, so I went back and looked at the one-hand edged section of the blade wall and got to searching for a good knife since everyone needs a good knife. I ended up taking two because there was a dagger belt just lying around and Dissida had said that whatever was hers was mine, so I snatched up Carey and Ballsy before waking Mark so we could go hunting for something tastier than Hælhound hearts. We left the Armory and headed out of the cave system shortly thereafter, and when got outside, Mark let loose three short, loud barks that had a lot of the Hæl Hounds stepping up and forming around us. Then he lead the way into the forest and I followed him at the sedated pace he set because it was a good way to pass the time.

After hours upon hours of walking, we came across a creature that I hadn’t seen in my four hundred years of being in The Grey, though I suppose I should technically call it Hæl. I just expected there to be more fire and brimstone in Hæl, but I’ll take what I can get when it comes to eternal punishment, I guess. Speaking of eternal punishment, the creature in front of us was a fucking massive bear of some kind, and when I say massive, I mean that this Godsdamned Hælbear was at least fifteen feet tall. It could have been twenty feet tall for all I knew, but either way, I had a feeling that neither the bolts from my recently acquired crossbow nor the tiny little bullets from my gun would do much good, so I stuck next to Mark and waited for him to make a move. The son of a bitch looked at me expectantly and kept looking between me and the bear before letting his tongue loll out of his mouth like he didn’t know exactly what he was doing.

“Dammit, Mark.” I muttered. “You tracked it here, didn’t you?”

Mark gave me a pup-eating grin.

“Fuck off you mangy fleabag.”

He nudged me with his head, his hairless tail wagging.

“Fuckin’... Ugh, why is my life like this?” I murmured to myself. “Fucking fine. We hunt the Hælbear, then we not go kill shit. How’s that?”

Mark tilted his head at me.

“... Fair enough. Not like there’s anything else to do.” I said, getting Tim ready to be
loaded.

Mark nodded and looked back at the bear, waiting for me to make my move. Thankfully it didn't take long for me to get my first shot with Timothy off, and much to my surprise, the shot was exactly where I wanted to place it, but it’s not like it really mattered. The ursine was pissed like I’d taken a dump on its salmon or something, and it let its fury be known through and earth-shaking roar that made my bones feel funny. For the millionth time since I’d been in The Grey, I wondered what the fuck in my life had brought me to where I was at that point in time. The next thing I did while the bear was looking for the thing that was pissing it off was unload all six rounds I had in Pam before loading as many as I could all over again. The bear’s face had become black and one of the glowing orbs in its eyes had gone out, but other than that, the big bitch was still going strong and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon either, so I looked at Mark.

“Now what do we do?”

He barked and looked at me expectantly.

I looked at the bear. I looked at Mark. “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now.”

He barked twice.

“... I hate you so much and you can’t even talk. Fuck motheringly lovely.” I sighed, shaking my head and rolling my eyes.

Mark barked one more time and got off of his lazy arse a few seconds after I started circling the bear since it had figured out that the loud noises correlated with the pain in its face. I drew Carey because I wanted something big, and I kept Pam in my off hand, just in case I needed to do a quick swap and not get blasted in the butthole. Once I was behind the bear, I let loose six more rounds into its backside, making it roar some more. The horribly deformed thing now had a bleeding arse as well as a bleeding face, and as it turned to get a look at me, I knew it wouldn’t find me because I’d already taken cover in a bush some distance away, never quite allowing the bear to turn toward me. While it was busy looking for me, I was busy taking stock of how many rounds I had left. I’d filled two of my pouches until they’d barely clasp, but I wasn’t sure if I’d brought the right kind of firepower to the fight since the big ol’ bastard didn’t seem to be slowing down at all. I decided to try one more time with Pamaus, and with some decent circling, I managed to drop three shots into its neck and two more into its throat, but what I was mostly loving was how bloody accurate and consistent the gun was. It was honestly a surprise to me that a firearm could be shot with such precision, but then again, I’d always been a good shot with a wheellock and a better one with a snaphance, so either way I was doing better than most would have. However, missing would have been a little harder to do than I make it sound since the bear was both big and fatter than thge fuck.

When I emptied the pistol, I drew Ballsy and decided to encroach for the kill, but thankfully I didn’t actually have to do it alone. Mark came bounding in from nowhere followed by three of his pack members, attacking the bear all at the same time. Hælhound met Hælbear and the howling slash roaring that ensued was absolutely deafening. Nothing of the sort had ever happened before to my knowledge, so I raced for with my adrenaline surging to become a part of the action. Over my hundreds upon hundreds of deaths, I’d grown to love the thrill of a good fight or flight moment, and ever since I started winning them, I started liking them even more. It was a great opportunity to play Knight and Dragon, but the Dragon was a Dæmonic bear and the Knight actually lived by some manner of chivalry, unlike the Avalesch Knights I knew. Most of those fuckers were just happy to not be peasants, and a lot of them were so happy about that, they occasionally strolled the streets and slayed a person or two when the Bobbles were watching to make sure that they didn’t get fucked up in turn.

The Hælbear focused on the attackers that seemed the most pertinent at the time, so I had free reign to use my knives to climb onto its back. I made my handholds count for everything that they were worth since I didn’t want to fucking die, but when the bear reared up on its hind legs, I threw myself off of it and rolled as far away as I could as fast as I could possibly manage. The loud impact of the bear hitting the ground back first was a good enough reminder of the fact that the thing would most likely break me if it so much as laid a paw on me, so I tried Milkyboy tactics and circled the bear all over again, working with the hounds to keep it snapping at nothing while the injuries piled up. Eventually the bear started slowing down, and with that, Mark leapt in for its throat and I leapt for its back yet again, but this time I was able to get all the way to its spine and wedge Carey in between two of its lower vertebrae, making it’s hind legs go limp as it let loose the most ear-shattering roar yet.

Luckily, that roar must have taken the last of its strength since the Hælbear fell flat and threw me off of it aways, but I was fine enough to get back up and go claim my prize. The ursine’s core was actually protected by its ribcage, so I had to break of a little bit of that, but once I did, I was able to get its core, which was only slightly different from the Hælhounds’. The bear’s core was larger and more vibrant, and when I bit into it, I could’ve sworn that it was a little salty on top of being sweet, though I’d have to say that it was like biting into a salty caramel-fruit of some kind. It was actually quite delicious, so I ate the whole thing then and there because I can be an actual savage sometimes. Once I was done with my meal, I located Mark around the corpse of the bear and waited nearby for him to take us somewhere else for another kill, but first we had to feed the pack.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Two months had passed since I’d made my relationship with Fluttershy official, though we’d still yet to have sex, and I think that it’s because Fluttershy’s too shy to ask and I’m not that much of a horndog. That being said, Fluttershy was with Twilight for the day, again, because it was just another one of Twilight’s bad days. It was usually Fluttershy and I who went over to check up on her since Spike thought we were the best at calming her down, but at the moment? I didn’t want to hear Twilight cry and beat herself up over Garrison’s abrupt disappearance and probable death since it just didn't strike me as something I needed to go over again. Twilight’s guilt wasn’t eating at her as bad these days, but still. Garrison had more of an affect on Twilight than either of them knew, and I wondered if that cock-sucker even knew what the fuck he was putting Twilight and Ladesa through.

As I sat in Fluttershy’s living room (She says the house is mine too, but fuck that noise), relaxing on Harry’s back, I wondered about Garrison. Hell, I wondered about Max too since he didn’t seem to be bothered by anything anymore. The last time I saw him was a few days before I found myself chilling on Harry and he’d seemed relaxed and easy-going rather than anxious and broody like he’d been since he brought me to Equis. I casually puffed on the pipe Fluttershy got me for our Monthaversary and wondered why Max always dodged whatever questions anyone had about Garrison. Well, dodged or flat out refused to answer. It was a little weird that the guy who’d told me the secrets of the universe during a particularly long smoking session would keep the deets on Garrison from me, but it’s not like I’m one of his wives and don’t comprehend that some shit just needs to stay silent until the time comes.

Speaking of, I got to meet the original Twilight over the last month, and that was so cool! Like, I’d chronicle the meeting, but I only got to see her for maybe a minute, and she was talking to Max in a bubble during that minute, so I don’t even know what she sounds like, but I do know that she was sexier than a fuck (Not as sexy as Fluttershy, of course), and if she’s Max’s wife, then she’s been to Hellenbach with the guy. I couldn’t and still can’t imagine some of the stories that woman could tell me since Max is old as fuck and she’s not much younger, relatively speaking. Other than that, however, not much was going on in my life other than the fact that Rarity’s and Fluttershy’s loaded parents hooked me up with some starter scratch to get my shop up and running all over again, and that’s actually been kinda fun.

With Twilight out of the world’s events half the time, I can go anywhere in her little library that I want most of the time, and when she’s not paying attention, I even get to skim a few of the personal books she borrowed from Celestia herself. That being said, I still can’t really ‘spellcast’, but my Artificery has really taken off. I mean, if business keeps going like it has been and I keep getting all this free advertisement from Celestia, I’ll probably be rich soon. I get to charge whatever I want because I’m the best Artificer in a hundred mile radius, and even then it’s a little sketchy on whether or not anyone outside of that radius can top my own pioneered brand of Magic.

Oh? I didn’t tell you? No, of course I didn’t tell you! I was waiting for this exact moment to say that I found a way to blend Alchemy, Runic, Blood, and Aetherial Magicks all into one little talisman. I wanna go over that, so I’m going to go over that right now. One day after Garrison decided to up and skedaddle-skedoodle, I started fucking around with some Blood Magic in the back of my shop late at night. It was one of the few nights I actually spent apart from Fluttershy, so I was willing to get wild on this one, but just because I spent it apart from Fluttershy doesn’t mean I was alone. Shade Rose piped in from time to time to give me tips on how to maximize my output while minimizing my input, so through my adept slash decent enough understanding of the runic language and what all every stroke of the ATD does, we managed to craft an Alchemical Rune with the center design being the signs of the Sun and Moon. It had taken a while to get the whole thing engraved into a sheet of metal, but it was well worth the time, because the metal meant that we could fill the rune with blood and wipe away the excess with no problem.

Once we had the furrows filled and the extra shit wiped away, I placed a pricey chunk of Aetherite in the center and flooded the plate with as much raw Mana as I could at once, making the thing go red-hot in a matter of seconds and flash-charging it so that the Mana dumped into the circle would stay in the blood, no matter what happened to the plate. Even if someone dipped my little creation into water or acid, the Blood Magic would protect itself since the Black Magicks tend to do that type of shit due to the fact that the negative Magicks tend to be like, at least a little evil. Even if it’s only a smidge like Dark Magic, evil protects itself, and it tends to do it well.

With a hundred and thirty bits invested into my new rune circle, I decided to throw a piece of a metal called ganthede onto in and see what might happen. As luck might have it, Shade Rose got my attention and drew my gaze away from the plate just moments before it exploded into a shower of sparks and light, the whole shop illuminating and causing Shade and I to go blind for a few minutes. Once the black spots were clear, however, we saw that the talisman that had been created was something special to be sure. It was a little rough when I picked it up and looked it over, but a little time with some sandpaper and a buffing wheel made it a lot nicer, and it even helped polish the obsidian gems that were inlaid into the piece already. I only had to look at it to know that I wasn’t looking at ganthede anymore, but by holding it I was doubly sure. Ganthede is said to hold an enchantment pretty well, but none of the engravings were Runic, and I could tell that the talisman was heavily enchanted, just by feeling it.

Shade had some input as to what we should do with it until we could have someone read off all of the enchantments on the thing discreetly, and with Twilight out of commission, we didn’t exactly have anyone or anything to help us learn at that point in time. Since then I’ve picked up a few books about Blood Magic since Celestia made me swear a Magical Oath to never use it for evil, meaning that I literally can’t use Blood Magic if I’m not like, ninety percent sure that I’m doing the right thing. Granted, that means that I just have to rationalize whatever I’m doing and I can go through with it unless I actually know that it’s just straight up wrong, but whatevs. I don’t need Blood Magic to kill people.

As of me chilling on Harry the bear, there was nowhere I could take the talisman to have it checked discreetly, so I got off of my big buddy and found the place I’d left off in Blood Magick: Cautioning Yourself Against Eviland picked up with some more Blood Runes that were supposed to help the Mage ignore whatever injuries got inflicted upon them, basically making them invincible. It had the rune in the book, but the thing about it was that there were so many catches, it was like yo’ Momma fallin’ out the Ugly Tree and hitting every branch on the way down. Fat bitch broke ‘em all too, and to tie that metaphor back to Blood Magic, the ‘Ignore Damage’ rune was high in pitfalls and low in successes. Like, you could engrave the rune onto yourself and you’d never feel pain again until you slashed the rune, but the thing about that is that every little ache or pain, anything you’ve felt, will assault your senses all at once, which might drive you mad. Another thing is that it doesn't actually prevent damage, so it’s useless unless you just don’t want to die a painful death. Yet another problem is that the rune will slowly affect your brain and make you cocky, meaning that those who have the rune on their person are some kinda fucked, because you’ll eventually become so in love with only feeling the good stuff that you’ll never scratch the rune, and the longer you wait, the worse it gets.

My light reading was quickly turning into studying, and I was cool with that until Rainbow Dash came barreling through the door like she’d lost the last lick a’ fuckin’ sense in her mind. “Jay! Jay, where are you dude!?” She shouted blindly.

“Quit yellin’ and I’ll tell you.” I snarked.

Rainbow dashed into the living room and immediately started pulling me off of Harry, making him snarl at her. “Oh shut up, you ball of fur. Everypony knows Fluttershy would have your hide for laying a paw on somepony smaller than you.”

I waited until I got my bookmark back into my book before whacking Rainbow with it. “Ay, yo, what’s the big deal?”

She rubbed her arm and gave me a dirty look, but didn’t say anything about it. “Well, I was trying to tell you that Fluttershy’s bombing hard on making Twilight feel better and she could really use your help right about now. I already got the girls coming whenever they can spare a moment, but I know you aren’t doin’ shit right now.”

I waved my book. “Well I was studying. Y’know. For my job.”

“... Are you seriously saying that your work is more important than your friends?” Rainbow asked, frowning hard.

“No, I’m saying that you should fuck-ing knock before letting yourself into someone’s house. If you hadn’t been fuckin’ hollerin’ at the top a’ your lungs when you stepped foot in the door, I prolly woulda shot you.”

“With what slingshot?” Rainbow looked around.

“I got something that hits a little harder than a slingshot, but that’s not important right now. Weren’t we going to go cheer Twilight up?”

“Yeah! Let’s get a move on, Dude!”

And we got a move on pretty quick, all things told. I took the mysterious talisman with me as a last resort and started planning for Twilight’s patch-job as soon as I could, working some ideas together and generally trying to make them blend and match so that if one plan failed, I could play another card from my hand and take the game. While it probably sounds callous of me to talk like I’m playing a game when it comes to emotional situations, that’s just how I view them most of the time. I don’t do it with Fluttershy because most shit comes naturally, and when it doesn’t, it’s not hard to just go with the flow or find something we both enjoy doing. Still, I knew I was about to have my hands full with Twilight if an All Call was going ‘round. The last time it’d happened, Twilight beat me with a rolled up newspaper for ten minutes straight while Fluttershy tried to get her to stop.

It was funny afterwards, although the sentiment wasn’t shared by anyone other than me. Humourless hoes.

When Rainbow and I arrived at Twilight’s house, we got there just in time to see Spike get defenestrated followed shortly by Pinkie, which made Rainbow stare at me in shock for a moment while I tried not to lose my shit. It reminded me of the time a fellow named Wrought Iron brought up his son’s name in conversation and I had to keep a straight face if I wanted to keep my face. Shuttle Cock was a good kid, but his fucking name tho. As it was, Rainbow and I ran over to check up on them and see if they were okay since we aren’t shitty friends, though I was a lot more worried about Pinkie than Spike. Ol’ Boy got scales; Pinkie don’t.

Spike was shaking off glass and Pinkie was thanking him for being something decent to land on when Rainbow ran up and asked, “Holy crap! Are you guys okay!?”:

Spike gave her a look. “What does it look like, Rainbow?”

“That was a really silly question.” Pinkie said with a little chuckle. She didn’t think it was that funny though. How do I know? Perks of being Super-Sane. Or insane. Whichever floats your heavy metal dirigible.

“You two take a breather. Dash? We’re going in.” I said firmly.

“Uh… Dude?”

I was already about to head inside when Dash said ‘Dude?’, so I was wondering what the hold up was. “Don’t tell me that you’re afraid of the Big Bad Twiwight.”

“... She just threw her little brother and one of her best friends out of a window. I piss Twilight off a lot. Would it really be smart for me to go in there when she’s already throwing ponies?”

“Wimp.” I scoffed, knowing she’d take the bait.

Rainbow coloured. “I’m not being a wimp, I’m being smart!”

“Are you seriously saying that staying relatively safe is more important than being there for your friends?” I asked, biting back a shit-eating grin.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, my own medicine tastes like ass. Let’s just go and get thrown out a window already.”

“That’s the spirit!” I said cheerfully, climbing the last step up Twilight’s stoop and walking into her house with Rainbow following at a distance.

From the doorway I could hear Twilight yelling at Applejack. “-’ve been here in the first place! What about all of his friends and the family he made!? I ripped him away from two homes and now he’s gone!”

Rainbow and I traded another look, so I flashed her a smile and a nod before walking through the foyer and into the Drama Zone. “Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jameson is in da how-se!”

I walked in with my arms spread wide and a little smirk playing on my lips, but when Twilight locked eyes with me she didn’t seem to be impressed by my theatrics. “C-Can’t I just be sad!?”

“Nope! Life’s full of suck and you better believe that your friends and family are here to make things suck considerably less, so shut the Hell your mouth and come give your only male friend a platonic hug for the sake a’ shuttin’ ‘im up!”

Twilight wiped her eyes and tried to glare at me, but she evidently didn’t have the energy to do it after defenestrating an innocent lizard man and a psychaotic piece of bubblegum. “If I hug you, are you gonna leave and take everypony with you?”

I shrugged. “I’ll hug you and I’ll make everyone but me leave.”

Applejack had a problem with that right off the rip. “Now you just wait a second right there, Buster! Iffin’ anypony’s gonna stay with Twilight, it oughta be Spike or Fluttershy.”

I looked to Twilight. “If I stay, I’ll just sit within earshot. You don’t have to see me or even hear me, but I’m here for you. I won’t be in your face or try to cheer you up, but it would make everyone feel a lot better if they knew you had a friend nearby. Just in case.”

Twilight sniffled and kept trying to stem the flow of tears. “I just wanna be left alone…”

I felt someone tug on my sleeve and guessed that it was Fluttershy. Lo and behold, it was the person I’d thought it was. I didn’t really ‘guess’ since I technically have three-sixty vision, but that isn’t terribly important. “Yes, Sweets?”

Fluttershy bit her lips and gestured for me to leave the room, so I gave her an odd look. “Babe, she’s calm right now. Just let me work my Magic.” I whispered.

Fluttershy nodded, but she still ended up dragging me away. “We’ll be right back, okay?”

“Please don’t come back today.” Twilight mewled.

“No luck on that one, Purps. I need you for something anyway, and it’s been on the backburner for a hot minute. It really shouldn’t wait any longer, and I trust you more than anyone other than like, Max and Fluttershy-”

“You tell Max that he can go to Tartarus!” Twilight roared, her voice carrying the ache in her heart with ease, making my pitiable amounts of empathy kick in.

“I will, but I trust you nearly as much as I trust Fluttershy. That’s what I’m getting at here.”

Twilight glared at me, now having the energy to do so. “You’re one more word from getting thrown out that dayum window.”

Fluttershy started tugging at me again, but I just looked at her and brushed her hand off. “One sec, Butterbear.”

“C-Caramelbear? Wh-What are you doing?” She whispered anxiously.

I started walking toward Twilight calmly until I saw the gem in her forehead light up brightly. I felt her Magic encircle me, but then something odd happened: Her Magic failed. Now, Magic can fail, and that’s not unheard of. Magical accidents happen all the fucking time, and around Twilight, that shit’s not exactly uncommon because sometimes Magic’s just a volatile little bitch that likes to fuck you. However, what Twilight was trying to do was levitation. By all means, she should have been able to throw me where-the-fuck-ever she wanted because her Mana Pool is that fucking deep, but Twilight’s Magic wasn’t malfunctioning; it was failing. Period. I could feel the flow of Twilight’s Magic as it circumnavigated me, and I noticed that after a few seconds, her horn stopped glowing and the Magic she’d spent was stored in whatever happened to be in my right pocket.

Guess where the fucking talisman was.

I carried on like nothing had happened and came to a stop uncomfortably close to Twilight, which made her say, “Jay, you’re in my personal space.”

I leaned down and looked her in the eye. “Am I?”

“Yes.” She said, a little salty.

“Who?”

“Not who-”

Twilight’s words were cut off by the absolutely abrupt application of my lips against hers. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, but Twilight didn’t move the entire time I was locking lips with her, and when I pecked her cheek as a parting gift, I saw that she’d gone straight from depressed to de-what? “How ya feelin’, Twilight?”

She touched her bottom lip. “... You took my first kiss.”

“Was it good?” I asked, hoping that I hadn’t just fucked up big time.

“Uh…” Twilight blinked a few times. “I’m gonna go sit down and read a book.” She said, her voice and octave higher as she swiftly turned and walked in the exact opposite direction of books.

“Jay. Jay. Jay.” Applejack muttered, sounding a little more vexed each time.

“You said my name three times. I’m gonna pop up in your dreams tonight.” I jibed.

Fluttershy and Applejack teamed up and got way up in my grill.“Jay, why the buck did you kiss Twilight!?” AJ whispered furiously.

“Well, she’s probably confused, aroused, disgusted, or some combination of all three right now, but ay! She ain’t depressed.” I gave them my most winningest smile.

Applejack glared at me a little harder. “And ya thought a kiss was the best way ta make her calm down?”

I gave her a look. “So how were you guys doing before I got here? Like, I remember, vaguely though, oh so vaguely, that Twilight was throwing people out of windows and happened to be a sobbing, self-deprecating, stressed out mess. I show up? Me?” I pointed to myself. “I show up and no one else gets thrown out of a window. I show up and the uncontrollable sobbing stops. I show up and I know what to do. Guaran-fucking-teed that I can calm her down better than any one of you because I knew a Twilight who was like a lot like your Twilight. My Twilight-”

“Ain’t our Twilight.” Applejack snapped.

“No, my Twilight was an obsessive, genocidal, sadistic bitch that only got reined in because she fell in love with me, head over planet, let alone head over heels. This Twilight might not be in love with me, but I know what got my Twilight out of her episodes, and it was always a kiss. Maybe copping a feel to shock her out of whatever mental catastrophe happened to be going on at the time, but still. A kiss is harmless.”

“Not to Twilight.” Fluttershy said softly.

“Not to Twilight.” Applejack parroted.

“... Is there something I should know?” I asked.

Applejack sighed and Fluttershy passed her a nervous look. “M-Maybe we shouldn't say…”

AJ shook her head. “Nah, we gotta spill the beans on this one. C’mon, we’ll head outside.”

I nodded. “Someone wanna tell Twilight where everyone’s at?”

“She ain’t goin’ hear nopony.” Applejack deadpanned. “She’s gonna be all weird and twitchy for a day or two thanks to you.”

“Nice rhyme, dime.”

“What?”

“It’s a compliment.” I said, looking toward the foyer and heading that direction as I was finishing my sentence. Once I turned the corner and saw Rainbow, Pinkie, Spike, and Rarity all posted up, trying to look casual, I rolled my eyes. “Eavesdroppin’ asses.”

“Hey! Twilight’s our friend too!” Pinkie protested.

“Your friend threw you out of a window.” I said amusedly. “Apparently you won’t have to worry about that for a few days though.”

Rainbow gave me a suspicious look. “Yeah, we saw Twilight do her Weird Walk (She said it like it was a thing, so I assumed that it had a name. Pronouns) and heard some whispering going on, but I think you guys need to fill us in on the rest of the details.”

“Do tell.” Rarity said interestedly.

Applejack and Fluttershy sighed this time around, but I mostly just found it amusing. “I kissed Twilight.”

I got a lot of weird looks for that. It was a little offensive to be honest. To me and to Twilight.

“... Alright, but like, why though?” Spike asked, scratching the spines on the top if his head.

“Everyone knows that I’m from a parallel dimension, right?” I got a few nods and a few tilted heads. “Alright, so I’m from another dimension. The long story short is that my Twilight could always be calmed down by intimacy. Kisses, caresses, and if you’re really trying to send her to Lost Land, lift her shirt up real fast and lick her belly button. She’ll blush bright enough to light up a room, I swear. On God, the girl coulda been a fuckin’ candle.” I chuckled at the memory until I remembered that she was the cunt that tortured my brother to death. It was a small comfort to know that she was going to Smileton for effectively raping me once or twice.

“Darling, why did you go from laughing to looking like you’d enjoy throttling somepony?” Rarity asked cautiously.

“Bad memories came in with the good ones.” I grunted. “So is anyone gonna tell me why I should not have kissed Twilight?”

Spike made a weird grumbling kinda noise that was somewhere between a dog growling, a cat purring, and a snake hissing. Fuckin’ strange is what it was. “Dude, if you kissed her and she didn’t slap you, then she probably has a crush on you already.”

“... Oh.” I said blankly. “Well then.”

“... She already had one.” Fluttershy said softly.

“What was that Flutters?” Applejack asked.

“You fuckin’ what?” I asked.

Fluttershy steepled her fingers and let her hands rest on her tummy. “W-Well.. Tw-Twilight a-a-and I-I were t-talking…”

“About me?” I assumed.

My girlfriend nodded. “Yes.” She said in a small voice.

“Fluttershy.” Applejack said slowly.

“I-I couldn’t say anything! Twilight made me Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony!”

I pointed at Spike and used my other hand to point at myself. “We aren’t Ponies. We’ve been over this, Flutters.”

“She said anypony, she meant anyone. Smartass.” Applejack huffed.

Rainbow got a chuckle out of that until Rarity said, “I would love to see things from your point of view right now Rainbow Dash, because I find very little of this situation even slightly amusing.” Her tone was drier than a desert in a massive dehumidifier that just so happened to be in the center of a neutron star. “You do realize that the underlying love triangle that formed between two of our best friends and a new addition to the group might spell disaster for Fluttershy and Twilight’s relationship, yes? As in you understand that the best way things can go right now is that Twilight’s crush fades in time-”

“Or Jay takes Twilight and Fluttershy. I was laughing at the thought of Jay and Fluttershy listen to Twilight talk about a threesome.” Rainbow answered sharply. “This isn’t as bad as you think it is. I mean, it’s not like Twilight’s a bad catch, right Jay?”

I inhaled and puffed out my cheeks as I exhaled. “It wouldn’t work right now.”

“Why’s that?” Rainbow challenged. “If not now, then when?”

“I might change my mind by the end of me talking right now, I might never want anything to do with another Twilight romantically. Hell, the only reason I talk to this Twilight is because Fluttershy trusts her to watch over the animals.” I said honestly.

The room fell silent until Spike asked, “So what did the other Twilight do to make you hate her so much?”

“It took her three days to kill my brother. She tortured him, healed him, and then tortured him some more. I could watch, but at that point there was nothing I could do to stop her.” I shook my head, my lip curling.

“Woah… So… We go from love triangle ta torture in a hot minute.” Applejack said slowly.

“I-I think I’m going to be ill.” Rarity said convincingly.

“Yeah, can we go back to the love triangle please?” Spike asked, looking rather green around the gills himself.

Fluttershy laced her arm through mine and gave it a squeeze. “W-We can talk later, i-if you want…” She murmured to me.

I kissed her temple. “It’s damn near been three months. It’s about time we had that talk anyway.”

“It’s only been three months since your brother died!? Dude, how- Like-” Rainbow couldn’t form her words.

“Sugar, I…” Applejack said shortly after. “... Is Fluttershy the only one who knew?”

Pinkie raised a hand and I nodded toward her, but Fluttershy asked, “Jay, when did you visit Pinkie?”

“Time gets real wonky whenever Jay and I get together!” Pinkie beamed. “I got to watch Ty die too!”

“I will shoot you in the uterus.” I said, my tone frozen.

“Well it’s not like I wanted to, ya know.” Pinkie huffed.

I pointed a finger at her and let my accent get sloppily thick. “I don’t wanna hear my brother’s name come outcha mouth no mo’ ‘gain. I damn sure will Fuck. You. Up.”

“Jay…” Fluttershy said softly.

I sniffed, but I didn’t take my gaze off of Pinkie, even as Rainbow said, “Think you’re all sortsa tough, don’t you? Picking on someone smaller than you.”

I didn’t give a fuck about what she was saying. Instead, I was focused on making Pinkie Pie as uncomfortable as possible. “I should’ve checked my tone. I’m sorry Jay.”

I gave her a nod. “We cool. Keep it frosty.”

Rainbow scoffed, but Applejack caught her before anyone else could. “Dash, Pinkie literally just said that she watched Jay’s brother die along with him and had the biggest buckin’ smile on her face when she did. I’d’a… Ooo, I don’t wanna think about. I really don’t.”

“I must agree. If anypony were to smile at Sweetie Belle’s passing, I daresay I might lose my temper.”

Rainbow made a face. “Even then everypony knows how Pinkie is.”

“I really was in the wrong on this one, Dash.” Pinkie said, defending me.

The rainbitch sighed. “Sorry, Jay.”

“Don’t sweat it. I respect you stickin’ up for Pinkie, even when she deserved a sluggin’.” I replied, a little more calmed.

Fluttershy laid her head on my shoulder and I let my cheek rest on her pate as Spike asked, “So things keep popping up, but we’re not dealing with the main thing here! What happens with Twilight!?”

All eyes were on me, so I chose my words carefully. “I can stand being around Twilight long enough for a day-long date. I don’t know about anything beyond that since I don’t spend that much time around her.”

“So give her some time to win your heart!” Fluttershy exclaimed at slightly lower than conversation volume.

“It does sound like a reasonable compromise. Give Twilight say, two or three weeks to make a romantic impression on you and then see how you feel after that.” Rarity said, sounding logical, unlike her Arkaidite counterpart. “Since we’re evidently divulging secrets, I find it prudent to say that I’ve also spoken with Twilight about you, though I assure you that I wasn’t certain that she was, in fact, speaking of Fluttershy’s coltfriend. She is interested in a wholesome relationship and has been for some time, it’s just that she finds too many Stallions trying to swagger in and charm her for her power rather than for who she is.”

I shook my head and let out another deep breath. “Twilight’s gonna kidnap me, I just fuckin’ know it.”

“At least we’ll know who took you.(!)” Rainbow and Pinkie said simultaneously.

I flipped them off with my free hand. “Lovely. Find me before she sticks anything in my ass, okay?”

“Deal.” Everyone except Spike’s faggot ass said.

With that little situation handled, I had a long talk with Fluttershy to look forward to. I can’t say I was looking forward to it, honestly, but I knew it needed to happen. To shorten that sobfest because it was more emotional for Fluttershy than it was for me (Not saying much), I told Fluttershy everything I thought she could handle, and when she was asleep for the night, Shade Rose surfaced and let me get everything out and put it on the table. In her ancient wisdom, she helped me pick apart the pieces of the puzzle and place them where they needed to go for me to start on the path to feeling less guilty about letting Ty dig his own grave. She sat up and helped me drown my sorrows while I talked to her, and by the time I had a good buzz going, it was already time to feed the nocturnal animals.

Ain’t no rest for the wicked, am I right?

Author's Note

And this one done came out a little late, but my schedule's all sortsa fucked right now. Still, better late than never, beith meith correcteth?

As Always, Grab Her By The Pussy

❅ Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Seventeen: Darkness Does It Better

Chapter Seventeen: Darkness Does It Better

✧❖☬❖✧

So apparently not sleeping for five hundred years really takes it out of a guy, because once Mark and I had spent a century or so hunting for more things so the Hælhounds could have a meal and I could get a tasty treat in the form of the heart of whatever creature we’d killed, we returned to Dissida’s cave and holed up long enough for me to catch some unavoidable shut-eye. When I say unavoidable, I mean that I’d actually had to prop myself up on Mark for our journey back home because I was so exhausted, and there were a few times where I blacked out and woke up walking, which should have been scary, but really wasn’t for the simple fact that Dissida was now my Patron- Should I say Matron? I’m gonna go with Matron. Now that Dissida was my Matron as well as effectively being my slave, she had to protect me in her realm, and even if she didn’t, over the hundred years Mark and I spent together, I forgot Common and learned Vulpha, the language of Hellbeasts. Not Hæl. Hell. Mark was sure to correct me when I finally got a decent understanding of the language via going shit-through-your-cock-n-bollocks, piss-through-your-tongue insane.

Speaking of going insane, a-fucking-pparantly you just do when you cap the three hundred year mark. Mark (Wishing I’d named him something different now. Ah, hindsight) was happy to tell me that he’d lost count of how many times he’d tried to reinvent the wheel with a down-feather and parchment, which is an old Avalesch saying that basically means to do something so impossible that it’s stupidity and redundancy makes you look like a babe sucking on a cactus with no problems. In other words, you’re either some kind of Retardare or you’re too young to know that you’re being an idiot. I was slated to lose my shit two more times before I got out of The Grey, but I didn’t really remember going insane, though I was assured by my pack-mates that I’d gone off the deep end and had started killing Hellbears by myself before any of them could get a bite in.

The thing about that is that I was using Magic most of the time when I was off eating delicious hearts and not remembering the specific flavour of each kill. I’ve since learned how to form a bow and arrows with Wind Magic, but it’s not exactly the fastest process because I only get to use it every couple of years. There was a lot that had went down in the time between my subduction slash seduction (Or vice versa) of Dissida, but little of it was of much importance. I met a lot of cool Hellbeasts, though, so that was pretty interesting. There were all sorts of the creatures that didn’t visit me in my four hundred years of wandering because they assumed that I was going to run from them anyway, but most of them were just tasty. There were wildcats that tasted like different berries, giant badgers that were kinda spicy, reptiles of all kinds that had the same pecan pie type of flavour, and there were many more tasty things that needed me to eat them.

Let’s see… There wasn’t much that went on after I had my little hundred year hunting adventure with Mark and the pack, so I guess I’ll just carry on with when I woke up to the forest being a slightly darker shade of grey rather than the lighter shades that prevailed during most of my time there. I yawned and stretched as I woke up, and when I actually got myself together for the day ahead, Mark stopped me from leaving Dissida’s cave and told me to go visit her for some reason or the other. I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me when I woke up, but I didn’t really care at the time and mostly just begroaned the effort it would take to crawl into the antechamber.

One long, boring crawl later, I came face to face with a visibly less hideous Dissida. Her face was considerably less disfigured and her skin looked less rough and dry. I couldn’t say that she was exactly attractive, but she didn’t look as bad as she did when I first met her. “Heya, Dissy.” I said in Vulpha.

“Hello, Master. I see that your sleep saw you well.” Dissida said formally.

I shrugged. “It was what it was. I don't feel particularly well rested or anything.”

“A shame to be sure. Speaking of shames, did you notice that the forest has finally darkened?”

“Yes, actually. I was wondering what the cause was.”

“Night is upon us and you’re in here because the Hellbeasts all go a little crazy at night. Mark will guard the entrance to this cave, but you’re pretty much stuck here unless you want to fight everything.”

“... Could you train me how to fight something on two legs?” I asked.

Dissida touched a hand to her bare chest and smiled. “Me? Teach? Why I never thought I’d have a willing student again!” Her patronizing nature carried over extremely well, but I found it more amusing than irritating at that point in my life. Little made me upset other than losing a good kill.

“I’m fairly certain that the Goddess of War and Chaos can fight her arse off, so yeah. Let’s do this thing, Dissy.” I said casually.

I’m rather sure that there were a lot of consecutive weeks where I wished that I hadn’t said that.

✯☾Ω☽✯

I kept an eye on Garrison and marveled at how fast he’d died in comparison to me before realizing that I’d died a lot sooner than he did and that he’d lucked out twice as often as I’d had to. The guy was in a shittier position than I was, and things only seemed to be getting hairier and hairier for him, but for the time being, he was polishing well and was looking… Well, kinda good for what he’d been going through. He’d literally gone to his people’s version of Hell and he’d conquered it in a way somewhat similar to what I’d have done. I know I would have thrown that left fielder in there as far as wooing Dissida went, but I couldn’t help but be proud of the guy for pulling through where I think I might have fallen flat. I couldn’t imagine fighting Nashoba’s cousins time and time again, but there Garrison was.

I took my eyes off of Garrison and cast my attention toward Ladesa and Applejack who were racing down a line of trees to see who could clear their side faster. Since Ladesa had her Voima back, she was plenty strong enough to match Applejack. However, the farmer knew what the fuck she was doing, and Magic doesn’t account for everything, as overpowered as it is. Once they cleared their line, they were done for the day and Ladesa did a quick scan of their surroundings before skulking up behind Applejack to wrap her up in a big hug.

“Hey! Why are you so fond a’ sneakin’ up behind me?” Applejack asked amusedly, holding onto Ladesa’s arms.

“Oh, I dunno. Maybe you’re just too ugly to look at from the front?” Ladesa teased.

“Oh, is that right?”

“It might be~” The Demi-Goddess sang in turn.

Applejack whipped around and caught Ladesa before she could get away, taking her down with few problems. They both laughed and rolled in the autumn leaves merrily without a care in the world for a little while, both of them wrestling for the position on top. It was a cute, heartwarming sight to see, especially when Applejack won and gave Ladesa a kiss that was to stay between them until Applejack officially came out. Everyone already suspected that Ladesa and Applejack were more than friends, but Ladesa was adamant about only being attracted to men and Applejack was slippery when it came to doubts about her sexuality. The time would come for both of them to get it out in the open, but for the time being, they liked to keep their romance in the trees and their love on the down low.

When they parted lips, Applejack let Ladesa up and asked, “Hey, Desa?”

“Yeah, AJ?”

“Whaddaya wanna do now? We oughta be done for the day and I think the girls wanna get together tonight.”

Ladesa made a face. “I’m in, but I dunno if I’m gonna be able to stop myself from wringin’ Rarity’s neck if she keeps buggin’ me about my hair.”

“Ah, jus’ put her in a headlock. Does the trick every time.” Applejack said casually.

“I know, but Twilight always throws a fit when you shut Rarity up, and then you have to hear both of them for hours.” Desa groaned.

Applejack chuckled. “It’ll be fine, Sugar Pie. I’ll talk to Rares and you can raise a fuss about Jay gettin’ invited to a girl’s get-together again.”

Ladesa huffed. “It just don’t make sense ta have a man around when it’s just supposed to be us gals! I know Fluttershy likes havin’ ‘im around, but Jay don’t belong at sleepover.”

“I dunno, I kinda like Jay comin’ ta the sleepovers. He keeps Pinkie from gettin’ too far out there and Rainbow obviously likes jokin’ around with him. I just wish Twilight would hurry up and ask him out.”

“I’m with ya on that one. The girl needs ta nut up and get her big girl knickers on. I mean, didn’t Fluttershy already give her the okay?”

Applejack nodded. “She sure did, and I talked to Jay the other day about it and he says that he ain’t goin’ turn her down if she does ask. The only thing we’re waitin’ on is Twilight.”

“Why not just have Jay ask her out?”

“I’m pretty sure that Jay’s only really interested in Fluttershy. The way that man dotes on his Mare is adorable!”

“I know, right? Makes me wish we could go public.” Ladesa sighed.

Applejack grimaced. “I just dunno how my family would take it, Raspberry.”

“And it still kinda feels… I dunno… Weird, I guess, to just have everyone know that I like women.” Ladesa said, rubbing her arm.

“We’ll get through it, Sugar Pie. I know we will.” The cowgirl said reassuringly.

The thief gave her a warm smile. “You always know the right thing to say, AJ.”

“You always know the right way ta look. Mind if I sneak a kiss from ya?”

“Of course not, silly Pony.” Ladesa giggled, giving Applejack her kiss.

‘Sugar… Overload… Can’t… Breathe!’ I whispered to Applejack.

‘Oh shush, you. You’re the one who told me to ask her for somethin’ discreet.’ Applejack thought back.

I chuckled to myself while Ladesa suggested that they go and get some drinks for the night they had ahead of them. After they grabbed some comfortable clothes for later on in the night, the plan was to meet up at Twilight’s with Fluttershy, then head over to Rarity’s for the actual slumber party thing itself since Rarity was going to be the host for this one. Sweetie Belle was heading over to Sweet Apple Acres to hang out with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom while the girls commandeered the house slash boutique. After they gathered everything and everyone they needed, they headed over to Rarity’s, and much to Ladesa’s pleasure, Jay had chosen to work late instead of accept Fluttershy’s invitation to join the girls for a night of bawdy lady-jokes and a lack of weed.

Ladesa herself parted from Applejack, who’d elected to strike up a conversation with Pinkie and Twilight while she went into the kitchen to talk to Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy for a few moments. She walked in as Rainbow was telling a joke about a woman who caught mice with her lady parts and considered walking out until she saw the shocked and horrified look on Rarity’s face as Rainbow told her joke. I’d repeat it, but it really was some inane shit that you had to have a vagina to find amusing, and though I might be able to have one, I’ve never stuffed cheese in my love tunnel… The peanut-butter was Twilight’s idea.

“Okay then.” Ladesa said when Rainbow finished with her joke.

Rainbow was snickering up until then. “Oh, come on! That was funny!”

“That was horrifying.” Rarity said quietly.

“Wh-What Rarity said.” Fluttershy squeaked.

Dash rolled her eyes. “Wimps. Why don’t you give it a go, Desa?”

“Maybe later. We brought drinks if you girls are ready to start climbing all over each other for the last shot of tequila.” Ladesa said amusedly.

“Ooo!” Rainbow exclaimed. “Did you really get tequila?”

“Please no.” Rarity moaned.

“What? It won’t be like last time, I swear!” Dash lied, crossing her fingers in her pockets.

Fluttershy gave her a suspicious look. “That’s what you said last time we got tequila…”

Ladesa chuckled. “Maybe that’s why Applejack was so hung up on getting a bottle. You never know, she might just wanna see Dash fly around town naked again.”

Rainbow blushed and grinned. “Hey, with how fast I fly, it’s not like anypony has time to see anything.”

“You really need to stop drinking and flying, Darling. Isn’t that how you broke your wing, after all?” Rarity asked.

Dash gave her a look. “That was beer, not tequila. Different drinks, different drunk.”

“That’s just silly.” Rarity huffed.

“Gal’s got a point. Beer makes me queer and apparently whisky makes me frisky.” Ladesa mused.

Fluttershy covered her chest and blushed at the memory of Ladesa molesting her. “Y-You didn’t get more whisky, d-did you?”

“No, but Applejack was sure to buy a couple bottles of wine for you, Rarity, and Twilight.”
Ladesa assured her.

“Th-That’s good…” Fluttershy said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“I still don’t understand why a supposedly heterosexual woman would perform such lewd acts to another, but as my father used to say: A Mare’s mind is a magical maze.” Rarity said haughtily.

“I ain’t gay.” Ladesa said flatly.

“Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Rainbow beamed.

“Don’t you swing both ways? Are you sure you’re not just gettin’ your hopes up?” Desa teased.

Dash grinned right back at her. “I wouldn’t say no to a roll in the hay, but if you’re not gay, then you’re not gay. Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna stop looking at your flank.”

Ladesa turned for Rainbow and checked herself out as well. “It is a nice arse, isn’t it?”

“I do despise how effortless you seem to acquire such a perfect figure.” Rarity sighed. “You don’t have to worry about back aches and you’ve got what every red-blooded Stallion wants!”

Rainbow Dash huffed. “Please, Rares. With hips like yours and a rack that’ll give a guy a heart attack, I don’t think you’d have too much trouble catchin’ an eye.”

Ladesa pointed at Fluttershy. “If we’re talking hot, then we gotta look at Fluttershy. The girl’s like an hourglass, and you know Jay has to love the bits he gets to hold onto.”

“Eep! B-But what about Rainbow? I-I want a slim physique like hers!” Fluttershy blurted, cornered into saying something about her multicolored friend to compete the metaphorical daisy-chain, though she was being honest about it.

“Tch. If I had a choice, I’d have Rarity’s flank and Applejack’s tits.” Rainbow said humorously.

“Weren’t you just complimenting Ladesa on her behind?” Rarity asked amusedly.

“She’s got a handful, but you’ve got a little more than that to work with.” Dash replied with a grin.

Rarity blushed faintly, her cheeks growing ever so slightly rosy. “You say that as if I have a big behind.”

Fluttershy looked at Rarity’s asset and the presiding Demi-Goddess noticed. “What do you think, Flutters? Does Rarity have an arse like a seat cushion?”

Fluttershy turned bright red along with Rarity. “Why I never! My posterior is certainly not that big!” Rarity said, flustering.

Rainbow used the distraction to palm the seamstress’ rear. “I dunno, it’s pretty soft.”

Rarity jolted hard and gave Rainbow a good whack for being a pervert. “Rainbow Dash, will you ever learn to keep your hands to yourself!?”

Rainbow blew her a kiss and Rarity huffed. “Aww, C’mon Rares! You know I’d dropkick a foal for somma’ what you’re blessed with. It’s not fair for you to keep it all to yourself you know.”

Rarity sighed. “I suppose you’re right, Rainbow.”

“Really?” Rainbow asked hopefully.

“Have you lost your last marble, you Ninny?” Rarity deadpanned.

Ladesa and Fluttershy giggled at the heartbroken look on their friend’s face. “Aww, come on! You can’t lead a gal on like that! It’s just cruel! The bean has never been bluer!”

“You’re already blue, you vulgar sex-machine!”

Rainbow beamed. “Rainbow Dash: Sex Machine Supreme!”

Rarity groaned and the rest of the girls had a laugh at her expense. Rainbow was skilled at annoying Rarity and Twilight for the benefit of the other girls, but everyone knew that it was just for fun at the end of the day. Rainbow still got chewed out for being such an immature dummy-head, but Rarity let her off easy since she’d brought salt cubes to the party. Each of the girls gathered round to get the party started in earnest once the sidebar conversations petered out and throats started to get dry. They all got a drink of their choice and six out of the seven chose to drop a cube or two of salt into their drinks for the start of a wild night. Ladesa didn’t know what salt did to Ponies in high enough quantities and I was eager to watch her as she found out.

It all began innocently enough as the glasses around their circle went empty with a round of giggles that popped up for no reason, starting with Fluttershy and ending with Rarity joining the rest (Save for Ladesa) in laughing at nothing. The lone Human was plenty confused about what was going on since there was just giggling and the odd word coming out of their mouths, but it’s not like she was terribly worried about it at the moment. For the time being, she could be content to get to their level just by drinking more, but when the girls started doing the cubes raw, things started picking up a little bit.

Twilight was the first to kick her socks off, followed by Rarity and Fluttershy since they were the only ones besides Ladesa that wore them. Applejack started drawing closer and closer to Ladesa by the minute until they were actually touching, despite Ladesa moving away from her a time or two. Twilight giggled as Ladesa drank more to drown out her anxiety and Rarity giggled at Twilight because she thought Twilight’s giggle was adorable. By the time Ladesa was drunk enough to not care where Applejack was, they’d already kissed once or twice in front of everyone and nobody gave a damn. Rainbow was making a minor move on Pinkie by constantly touching her and stroking her ears when she’d let her and when Ladesa had a brief moment of Clarity, she watched as Fluttershy and Rarity stripped their tops off simultaneously, stunned at the heft of the breasts in front of her up until Applejack slid a hand up the inside of her thigh.

The situation was rapidly getting out of hand and Ladesa excused herself to ‘Go tinkle’ to get away from the madness for a little bit, which meant that she missed Applejack and Rarity doing lines of powdered salt off of Twilight’s tummy, and she missed the conversation that the two incredibly fucked up Mares had about her and the possibilities in the night. They spoke through their giggles, but they were both fucked up enough to get what the other person was saying. When Ladesa came out of the restroom, she found everyone else at the party either topless or half naked, which was a little moistening as well as disturbing. The only ones she found attractive were Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight, but it didn’t help that Fluttershy was stacked and that Rainbow’s arousal was plain on her panties.

I reeled myself into Heaven Central for a second to laugh at the situation that Ladesa’s punk-arse found herself in because I didn’t really like her. I was hoping that she’d get molested and that would be the end of it, but I had my concerns about whether the girls were in their right minds at the moment. I would have checked, but Ladesa kinda-sorta betrayed someone who’d only tried to help her on top of stabbing someone who thought of her as a sister in the back. Well, literally in the front, but I know what I mean, so fuck you. She was kind of a cunt in my books, and I didn’t doubt that Garrison was going to wham her in the clam if he ever saw her again.

I chuckled to myself a little more when Twilight came in, knocking on my open door. “Is now a good time?”

I gave her a warm smile. “For you, anytime’s a good time. What can I do for you, Cherry?”

“I just wanted some of your attention for once.” My Twilight teased. “A girl could get jealous with how much time you spend digging into other people’s business.”

I gave her a look. “Please, like you didn’t micromanage the Hell out of your own universe. It’s not like I’m telling the ants how to march.”

Twilight colored and showed off her nick-namesake by throwing a handful at me. “They weren’t using the most optimal paths! It was just a waste of energy in the environment!”

“You were incorrigible.” I said flatly.

“You, of all people, cannot be serious when saying that.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I was twenty. You were twenty million.” I countered.

“Shut up if you ever want to meditate on my lap again, Mister.” She pointed a judicious, damning finger at me.

I pouted and crossed my arms. “That is just not fair.”

“Life seldom is, Amour. Now why don’t we go and stroll the plaza?”

“Sounds good to me.” I said, shifting through space to appear by her side. “Shall we?” I offered her my hand.

Twilight took it with a smile and we started a date, but this isn’t about me and Twilight. No, in the time that I’d taken my eye off of Ladesa, she’d been encouraged to drink four more shots by Rarity and Applejack and made a trip to the bathroom to take another leak. When she came back, Applejack was completely topless and Rarity was playing Patty-Cake with Twilight; both of them in their underwear and nothing else. The odd scene made her consider turning on her heel and sleeping in the bathtub upstairs, but then Rainbow Dash seized her ass and Ladesa jumped about a foot in the air, if you’ll let me exaggerate a little. When she landed, Rainbow just gave her a wink and a compliment before skipping off to go mess with Fluttershy, who was the only one still wearing any manner of bottoms, though her skirt was riding high and her mammaries were hanging free.

“What the fuck is goin’ on?” Ladesa murmured to herself after Rainbow bounced away.

Applejack stumbled up to her with a big smile. “Heya, Desa~”

“Heya, AJ. Is there a reason everyone’s strippin’ an’ gettin’ all goofy, or am I just real drunk?”

Applejack planted a passionate kiss on her lips and didn’t bother to hold back with the tongue until Ladesa pushed her away. “Aww, come on, Sugar Pie. Why ya gotta be like that?”

“Applejack, for the love of Granny, put your trousers back on!” Ladesa said, having glanced down.

Applejack took Ladesa’s hand and pressed it against her warm, sodden knickers. “Are ya sure ya don’t want a little salt~? It’s fu~un.” Applejack crooned.

Ladesa snatched her hand away and backed up from Applejack. “Look, I’m real uncomfortable right now, so I think I might just head back to the farm, okay?”

Her girlfriend gave her the most potent puppy-dog eyes she had. “Aww… Ya don’t wanna stay with me, Desa?”

“Not when you’re practically shovin’ my fingers in yourself in front a’ our friends!” Ladesa whispered harshly. “Whenever ya learn some control, I wanna talk.”

Applejack watched on in frustration as Ladesa walked out the door until she felt some very welcome hands slide across her shoulder-blades. The contact made her forget all about Ladesa for the time being and she went back to enjoying her buzz with the ones who liked salt too much for their own good. Meanwhile, Ladesa fuzzily made her way through town with a hand on her knife and her mind half-addled with the liquor from the hours prior. She didn’t want to be caught alone and drunk on the streets at night, so she hastened on her way back home and got back without incident because she’s actually just paranoid. Most Ponyvilles in the multiverse are a little too peaceful for anyone to be as worried as she was, but it’s not like it really mattered. Ladesa arrived too late to catch anyone awake, but it’s not like she really wanted to anyway. She went to Applejack’s room, grabbed one of her shirts from her laundry hamper, and settled in for a quiet night of decent sleep.

I snapped my attention back to Twilight and carried on the conversation we’d been having like my entire being was there in that one place. As it was, Twilight and I were actually taking multiple walks and talked about multiple things as we took said walk, and I even got her on top of a triceratops for the first time in like, eighty billion years, so that was super dope. I still couldn’t get her on a Quetzalcoatl for the life of me, but it was still super fun to take Twilight to the Jurassic Park that actually succeeded rather than one of the many that had fallen. The Zombie Dinosaur park was easily the worst out of all of them, however. Have you ever smelled a rotting Megalodon while trying to go for a leisurely walk on the beach? Trust me, durian smells like cherry blossoms in comparison to that rank bullshit.

However, as we walked through the forest moon of Endor, and I do mean through, Twilight asked, “So Max. Why are you suddenly so… Lax, I suppose would be a good for it. What’s made you so lax lately?”

I shrugged. “I’ve learned that I need to let things happen as they will. I’m still crafting new Fates as Fate, but the extra work isn’t too bad.”

“You’re on the brink of shattering your consciousness.” My ever observant wife said.

“Weeell…”

“I already know the signs, Max. Sh’ Ara told me to look out for them in you before he gave up Maximus Omnium.”

I sighed. “I’m on a deadline anyway, Twilight. I-”

“I’ll step in as Fate.” She offered.

“Denied.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“I wasn’t exactly bluffing.” I replied sharply.

“Don’t take that tone with me, Maximus. I’m still your wife.” Twilight said, warning me of her scorn

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. “Twilight. If you become Fate, then there are repercussions and pitfalls that are-”

“You need to rest. You’ve been at this a lot longer than I have, and if I take over as Fate, then I can just wait for another heir since I’m better at finding them than you by miles.” Twilight huffed. “You’ve made universe-altering sacrifices for me in the past, and I need you to let me do you this one favour, Amour. I might have to live on without you for awhile longer, but I know that I’ll be with you in the end.” She gave me a kind smile, one that I remembered from early in my days as God. The roughest days of my life.

I looked at Twilight and shook my head. “I can’t let you do that, Twilight.”

“Well then eγώ απαίτηση μοίρα.” Twilight snapped.

“... Fuck off.” I grunted saltfully.

She smirked. “I’ll be right back to be sworn in. Just let me unfreeze my universe.”

I flipped her off as she shifted out to go do what she said she’d do and took some time to be extra salty with a side of sodium. Granted, Twilight was doing me a helluva favour, but I didn't want her to become like every other Fate in the past had and go bitter and more than a little jaded about the Fates she has to hand out to people. Or she might flip the script entirely and ruin things for Universe One, but it’s not like it’d be my problem if everything worked out.

Meh. Sometimes the salt just needs a little digestion.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

“So she’s super fucked up right now?” I asked.

Shade Rose sighed in my mind. ‘You would think that they would all learn from their last night of salt driven quote unquote ‘fun’. They generally agreed to never talk about any of the things they said or did again, and yet they decided to do more.’

“Kinda sounds like getting drunk.” I commented idly, carefully engraving the Protection Talisman I was making for Fluttershy.

‘They are also doing that.’

“Damn. Makes it seem like we ain’t doin’ shit.”

‘You are working, and I am familiarizing myself with you. Thus far I have decided that you will make a good husband.’

“Ay, thanks. That actually means a lot.” I said sincerely. “Is there a reason you’re suddenly getting all sweet on me?”

‘I do like you, Jameson. However, your lack of interest in beginning our own Coven bothers me still. You told me that you were taking it into consideration.’ Shade replied a little less than pleasantly.

“I still am, bein’ straight with you. I don’t like the sound of starting a Coven, Shade. It’ll draw attention to us if we don’t do it right.”

‘I lived for ten thousand years before being brought to an end, and my Coven lived on with me. They may still live on to this day, t’were my final Grand Magicka have struck. Of that, I do not know.’

“Wait, your final do what now?” I asked, splitting my focus between what was in my hands and the conversation in my head.

‘Yes, my Grand Magicka. Most ancient beings have at least one or two of them in their toolkit. Celestia’s Sunfyre Blaze is one example of one such devastating spell.’

“Terrifying to know that you had that kinda power. I’m assuming that we’re talking about army-wiping spells, right?” I asked, a little more sketched out by the idea of having a Coven.

‘City sweeping spells, to be more accurate. A town once strung and tortured ten of my Fledglings for showing their fangs to the wrong merchant, so I cast one of my lesser Grand Magickas, Bloody Rayne.’

“Which does? Besides create a sticky, nasty precipitory mess?”

‘Why do you know large words and speak like a fool?’

“Don’t hate, appreciate. What does Bloon Ran do?”

I could practically hear her roll her eyes. ‘Blood Rayne creates a poisonous miasma that causing the joints and muscles to stiffen and lock up entirely. Essentially, the iron in the blood is so concentrated and so fine that it rusts in the air as it falls, and when the rust is inhaled, it causes a disease of some sort that kills its victims slowly.’

“Bad. Ass.”

‘Badass indeed. Tell me, do you have any powerful Magicks?’

“I’m an Artificer for a reason, Dollface. I can’t really cast conventional spells without killing myself to death.” I said plainly. It’s not like it ever really bothered me that I couldn’t throw black lightning or teleport across the planet. Never bothered me a lick. Not a fuckin’ bit.

‘Ah, there was a saying for those who found themselves in a predicament not unlike yours in my time. One would tell you that you were born with the world’s deepest teaspoon.’ Shade said a little too cheerfully.

“I’ll take you down, woman. You, me, bed, and struggle-snuggles.”

‘You will never ‘snuggle’ me, Jameson. I am not a child.’

“Fluttershy isn’t a child and she loves snugglin’.” I replied.

‘Fluttershy is part simpleton, part genius.’ Shade deadpanned.

“Troof.” I admitted. “Still, it’s the genius in her that doesn’t need sex to have a healthy relationship.”

‘Whatever you say, Jameson. Whatever you say.’

“Damn straight, whatever I say. You know what you say? It’s not what I say, so it’s not as awesome.” I chuckled.

‘No wonder Fluttershy and yourself work so well together. You’re a pair of oddballs.’

“No, we’re goofballs. Get it right, ho.”

‘I am an ancient Vampire. Not a garden utensil.’

“Neigh!”

She did the horsey noise where they blow air through their lips and I had myself a giggle or two at that. ‘Do you think something is funny?’

“Nope. Not a thing. Not at all.” I barely managed.

‘As you would kindly put it: Fuck off.’

“Love you Shade~” I teased, finally getting my full attention on the talisman. A few strokes later and I was ready to drill a hole in it so that I could make a necklace out of it for Flutters, but after that, I was free and clear to do what I wanted for the night.

I decided to go take a walk out in the Mulekick Woods just because I liked it out there. It was nice, few enough of the Donkeys that lived out there minded if you walked through their property, and the trails were all scenic and nice to walk down. Plus, it was a moonless night, so I could finally take my sunglasses off and just look at the world as I should be seeing it instead of having my vision filtered by super sanity. It kinda sucked that I only had so much Sight with my glasses on, but at least I wasn’t constantly being overloaded with information. With my path taking me out of town, I reveled in the moment I finally got those fuckin’ shades off and let the environment hit me in the face like I liked. I swear, the air smelled sweeter, and everything, of course, seemed so much more vivid when I had my glasses off. It was just a nicer way to experience the world, to be honest.

With my Sight in full function I could see that Fate had a string that was guiding me along a certain path, and that was pretty interesting. I decided to delve through reality since I was where no one would see me to grab a couple of the prototype handcannon muhfuckas I managed to put together over the past few months. I still had my Glock 20 on my belt, but I ended up grabbing Bunker Buster and Filthy Jerry before switching my Glock to a shoulder-holster and wandering around my shop, seeing if I should bring more than two full reloads for each of my gun. I flipped Flitch out and asked Catherine about what I should do and she told me to take Bunker Buster and blow my entire head off, so I told her to go back to having freaky ghost sex.

With the .60 calibre Bunker Buster on my right hip, I felt like the dude from Blade Runner, and with the .44 calibre Filthy Jerry resting on the left, I kinda felt like a dirty ass cowboy with a bone to pick. Fall was in full swing, so my jacket covered my shit nicely, but I still took my mini-ATD with me just in case I needed a little rune somewhere fast. It’d been a bitch to make, but I’d already made the thing pay itself off in spades and the only bit of Blood Magic I’d needed for it was for charging the Conduce Crystal. Fusing it to the Grapht Wood wasn’t exactly easy, but I’ve picked up enough skill at transmutation through replication and repitition that putting the puzzle pieces together is only a matter of time. A small matter at that. It’s like a toddler throwing a tantrum in a soundproof room. Shit does not matter to anyone.

Damn, do I ramble. Fuck it, free information.

Getting back to my eventful night, I followed Fate’s little thread back to the Mulekick Woods and resisted the temptation to just jump through space and time and show up where I was supposed to be. Being Super-Sane makes it hard to give a shit about ‘reality’ sometimes, and it’s not because we see through it for what it really is. It’s because we kinda operate on the same level as Max in a way, but I’m getting sidetracked again and I was just bitching about getting sidetracked. I smoke too much grass, Dude. I’m prolly gonna be brain dead by forty, butt fuck it, if life’s handin’ you weed-shaped lemons, smoke Lemon Kush then.

Alright. One more try.

As I walked through the woods, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the four-legged deer were running away from me in all directions, circling around to stay behind, but keeping their distance. They could see better than I should have been able to, but Thrall power, Babe. Fuck yeah, sometimes. Anyway, I meandered through the forest at a leisurely pace, following the thread as it tugged me along, but then I stopped and took a whizz five minutes early because I didn’t wanna get my knob lopped off or some shit. Once the waterworks were finished, I got back to business and wondered just what it was that I was supposed to be dealing with. That was up until I saw a cabin through a fuck tonne of trees; the end of the string. Since it was in sight, meaning that it was in Sight, I just tepelorted a little closer, but it wasn’t because I’m lazy or anything. Definitely not. I’m energy efficient.

The thread was leading me to the front door of the mysterious cabin in the woods, so I knocked and waited for a reply. When the owner opened the door, they turned out to be a peachy-colory coated, platinum-blondeish maned Mare with a mild frown. “Mate, do you know what time it is?”

I checked my phone. “It’s six-six-six-six. I think I’m gonna go play the lotto with those numbers.”

“Do you even know where you are, Sweetheart?” She asked exhaustedly.

“You were in your livin’ room. If you weren’t asleep, why do you sound so tired?” I asked curiously.

She gave me a look. “How would you know that?”

“Do you know Pinkie Pie?” I asked pleasantly.

“Don’t tell me that you’re like her.” The still unnamed Mare said.

“Couldn’t do that to ya. Would you happen to have a glass of water? I’m terribly thirsty.” I said, thinking of how thirsty I was. I was very fucking thirsty. It was weird.

She rolled her eyes and waved me in. “Make sure to wipe your feet off real good, ‘kay Sweetheart?”

“Gotcha.” I replied casually, something clicking; gears and cogs grinding into motion inside of me.

‘Do it.’

I watched the woman walk away from me and followed at a sedate pace before wiping my feet off thoroughly on her welcome mat. I’d noticed that she was a Unicorn, so I decided to let her come back to me with the glass. Once I got my fill of the stuff that only made my throat that much drier, I handed the glass back to her. “Thank you, Miss…?”

“Amaretta. Amaretta Virgine.” She said pleasantly. Well, as pleasantly as one could for being bothered at midnight.

I offered her my hand. “It was a pleasure to meet you, but I don’t want to bother you any longer. Have a good, restful night, Miss Amaretta.”

She took my hand. “At lea-Ah!” Amaretta yelped as I sank my fangs into her neck. The constant doses of venom Shade had been feeding me on top of what Fluttershy gave me when she fed were more than enough for me to make Amaretta mine. I couldn’t actually make her a Bound Thrall since I wasn’t technically a Vampire, but I could still bind her to me by cutting the inside of my cheek while I fed from her with a tooth and forcing our co-mingled blood and venom back into her body. She didn’t struggle for long once the mixture hit her bloodstream, and she eventually fell limp to the floor once I’d gotten my fill.

I was horrified.

‘How does it feel?’ Shade asked mildly.

“... Good.” I answered softly.

‘Are we starting a Coven?’ She inquired, sounding rather passive about it.

“... You knew this was going to happen.” I murmured.

‘I had my suspicions that you were going to snap I just didn’t expect you to make a Fledgling so quickly.’

“Fuck off.” I grunted, picking up Amaretta and carrying her around her house until I found the place that was most likely her room. “What do I do now? I can’t just leave her like this.”

‘Wake her. Most would find this to be the obvious solution.’ Shade sassed sassily.

“Is that sass, young lady? I’ll whip that sass right out your ass, keep playin’ wit me.” I grunted before sticking my pinkie in my mouth.

‘I’ll sass you as I please, you glorified cow.’ She shot back.

I jammed my finger into Amaretta’s nose and wiggled it around a bit. “You’re saying that right now, but wait until I only give dick to Fluttershy.”

‘You cannot withhold what does not exist.’

‘Burn!’ Max chimed in.

“First of all, fuck both of you multi-lifetime livin’ asshats. Second, Max, fuck you. Third, Shade, yo’ granny a tranny, ya granpap a trap, and ya whole damn family tree is LGBT, so suck my D till I skeet skeet and swallow my seed, do as I please.” I answered.

‘Weak bars.’ Max scoffed.

“You’re God. You do gospel. Fuck off.”

Amaretta’s eyes shot open when I finally removed my finger after giving up and she immediately scrunched her face up, but she was honestly kinda hot, so it was cute. “Whoa.”

“Hi.” I said pleasantly, giving her a little wave.

She rubbed her nose vigorously and asked, “Did you put something in my nose?”

“My finger.”

She stopped rubbing her nose and sniffed. “Why’d you do that, Love? Seems perfectly unreasonable. I wouldn’t have minded a little kiss... Or summa like that.”

“Kinda have a girlfriend at the moment, but you are pretty cute. I guess I could slang some wang atcha and we be frosty.” I replied blandly, my tone as flat possible for the latter half.

“I know you sound like you’re not interested, but can we buck? I won’t tell your girlfriend or whatever if that’s what you’re worried about.” Amaretta sat up on her bed and swivel her hips so that she was facing me. She bit her lip and waited for my judgement.

I wasn’t down for cheating on Fluttershy, but before I could just up and turn the Mare down, Shade said, ‘I sense a valuable ally in her, Jameson. Hold thy chastity for the time being and use thy loins as a bartering chip as you have with Fluttershy.’

I took a lot of offense to that last bit, but Shade’s gameplan and mine were starting at the same point anyway, which was keeping it in my pants. “Sorry, Sweets, gonna have to turn you down until the girlfriend says I can do something. Makes me sound like her bitch, but I just don’t wanna disrespect her like that, y’know?”

Amaretta tried putting her hands on my hips, but I stopped her, making her pout. “At least let me do you a little favour before you leave. I don’t know how we got in here, but I need you.”

I could practically feel Shade smirk as we lined up, making me inwardly sigh because I knew the shit was about to blow up in my face at any second. My old ways and her… Well, her ways in general, but either way, we both wanted me to say something along the lines of, “You want this a lot more than I do, Amaretta. What are you willing to give me for it?”

She licked her lips, seeing the opportunity for what it was. Again, I was feeling like a bit of a piece of shit because I knew I had her hooked on me like Arcadia’s Fluttershy had gotten me hooked on her, but I wasn’t willing to be with Amaretta just out of the blue. “I only have one thing I want from you.”

“Name it.” She breathed.

“I want your loyalty. Above Celestia and the other Princesses, I want you-”

“Agreed. Yes. I swear my bow and my blades to you.” She spat rapidly. “Can we start? Do I sound desperate? I sound desperate, but I don't care. Let’s get started, yeah?” She asked happily licking her lips.

I smirked because as bad as it felt to be the Dopeman’s doppelganger at the moment, having that kind of power over someone is brutal. It’s a slap in the dick and it’s pure euphoria, Bruh. As I undid my belt, I said, “A few more seconds won’t kill you, Pet. Patience is a valuable virtue, you know.”

Amaretta hopped off of her bed and knelt in front of me, but I don’t really want to say what went on until morning came. I ended up working in my shop all night after a stroke of dark genius with Shade, and after a hefty meal of fried mustard greens and potatoes, I was ready to face a whole new day thanks to the energy I gained from it. Being a Thrall meant that sleep was technically optional, although I’d have to spend a week in Hell to get used to it. However, Vampires in general normally have to have decent Mana Pools if they want to use Magic consistently without having to either get a dose of a stronger Vampire’s venom or feed too often. The problem with that was most Medeis and Unicorns aren’t above a D-Rank on an S to F (And sometimes G) scale. There are three tiers within each Rank except for S and A, but that’s neither here nor there at the moment. What is important is how Spellcasters in general regenerate Mana, which all depends on where their Mana Pool happens to be.

Most people have to sleep to get Mana back. A little less than a quarter of the total can just wait for it to come back or draw it from either the environment if the Aetherial density is rich enough or from an Artifact. A select luck-fucked few can wait for it to come back, or they can eat high-calorie food and burn it off into pure Mana. However, the last part is a bit of conjecture at the moment since the Heart Mana Residue Pool isn’t terribly well researched. However, I do know that I get Mana when it’s munch time, which would not happen if I were a Vampire. Shade said that the custom when faced with a Vampire that needed to feed constantly to keep up a steady supply of Mana was to kill them outright before they caused suspicion in the world at large.

I ain’t a Vampire. Life sucks sometimes, but then you get a shining little gem like that one when you could have got a piece of shit-covered coal. Luck spikes are fuckin’ great.

Since my little project was done and my stomach was full, I didn’t have anything keeping me away from Fluttershy for the time being other than the desire to test my new ring out. I’d made it from the same rune I’d made the Pentacular-Mana-Sapper, or PMS for sh- fuck. I can’t believe I’ve done this. No fucking wonder Max laughed at it when I actually showed it to him. Mother fucker. Anyway, the ring had a similar design as the talisman I’d made into a pendant, so I assumed that it had similar properties, but I wouldn’t know for sure until I could actually have someone experienced in either Alchemy or Blood Magic look the items over for me. I mean, I could actually read the ring since the thing had C-RAN’s, or Conventional Runic-Alpha-Numerics, but I couldn’t decipher what was on the pendant since I recognized the RC but couldn’t read it, which was all odd in and of itself since I’d written the original Transmutation Circle in a more advanced Rune Cipher called Equivicotia, the language (And alphabet) of Alchemy, and added a few pieces of Phulcore and Fraust to the mix.

While the ring was written in Fraust, the Vampiric Blood Runes, the Pendant was written in Ultima Umbra, which I knew of, but couldn’t actually read. Hell, I didn’t even know what the Pentacle even meant in Equestria, so there wasn’t really that much I could do as far as testing my ring out, meaning that I’d either have to find some kind of test for it or check my use item stat and hope I roll my d20 and hit a critical success.

Or I could just make up my own test with blackjack and hookers and send Fluttershy a note telling her that I was stroking genius again and that I’d like to see her later, just not at the moment.

I did that one.

Now, making your own Rune Circles is a fucking bitch. Period. End of Maxdamn discussion right there. To make a Rune Circle rather than to just copy one means that you have to have an adept understanding of the language you’re working with at the very least, full control of your Mana so that it doesn’t spike at any time while you’re crafting the circle, and if it’s a literal circle instead of a polygon, it’s that much harder since your first ‘word’ has to match up exactly to your last, and if the circle is wonky at all, you can expect that shit to explode. The last and biggest thing you need is the right language. When I used Fulcore and Fraust to augment Equivicotia, it was all well and good because Fulcore is mortal Blood Magic while Fraust is Vampiric Blood Magic, and Equivicotia is practically neutral. However, if I would have tried to mix say, Ædar and Fraust, shit would probably kill everything in a hundred yard radius because Ædar is White Magic and Fraust is Black Magic. If I didn’t want to get fucked up, then I needed to make a Rune Circle that was completely and utterly neutral, but there was a problem with that.

The two most common Rune Ciphers are technically the two most neutral because Equivicotia will take everything you have and then some, depending on what you’re trying to do. Sola-Phestus and Lutorah are both younger Rune Ciphers that base their magical consumption and allocation on either a personal Mana Residue Pool or Aetherial Magic, wherein lies the fuckin’ problem: They use Aetherial Magic, so they’re White Magic, and while Equivicotia is ‘neutral’, it’s for Transmutation. It can’t be used for appraisal, which I learned back on Arkaid by fucking around with a lot of wooden plaques and brass plates, trying different syntax and diction with each Rune Circle, altering the shape accordingly, though I didn’t change more than a single variable at a time. It was just a bitch in a blizzard to try and run that many tests, so I gave up on it.

Now, I realized that Ultima Umbra meant something along the lines of ‘Ultimate slash Final Shadow’ or some shit, meaning that it was most likely a Black Magic, but I couldn’t be sure since it could’ve been Dark Magic, which is fuckin’ complexitycomplicated even fuckin’ further. To explain, Dark Magic isn’t actually ‘Dark’. I’ve talked to Max at length about it because I like Magic and I like learning about it, but there isn’t a Twilight I’ve met that’s willing to give me much on the stuff, and I don’t know any experts besides Max, so I take his word at face value since the guy speaks from experience. And from being God, but whatevs, Bruh. Getting back on track, Max told me that ‘Dark’ Magic originally got its name by being gray as fuck; not by being a ‘Black’ Magic. The shit could be and is used for evil, but the Magic in and of itself isn’t inherently evil. No, while shit like Necromancy, Hex Magic, Nihilmancy, Curse Magic (Different from Hex Magic), and Blood Magic are all attributed to Dark Magic, it’s all different shit. Dark Magic itself is dangerous, but that’s not because it’s evil or anything. I mean, shit; Aetherial Magic will poison someone who’s Magically sensitive and kill them depending on how much Aetherial Magic is around, which is why a lot of Ponies, being as Magically sensitive and reactive as most of them are, avoid the Everfree like predators avoid fire. Dark Magic, on the other hand, makes a person apathetic and blends their instinct with logic to form them into what is usually considered ‘evil’, but as Max explained it to me, that’s base. Fucking. Nature.

People? People weren’t meant to care. Souls? Souls weren’t meant to hold personalities. All that shit was an accident. Max knows why the shit popped off and intelligent life learned how to be alive, but that’s not something even The Council of All That is Pink is supposed to know, so I’ll be fucked before I find out, which is fine by me. In any case, ‘Dark’ Magic is supposed to be the most neutral Magic there is by technicality, but even then it was still technically dingy White Magic, and that’s because Dark Magic operates on intense emotions; not necessarily just negative ones. For a little elaboration by example, let’s say you have a Blood Mage and a Cryomancer facing off. The Blood Mage, using Black Magic since the Mana is based off of Soul Force, would focus on pain and hatred to cast spells due to the nature of the Magic. The Cryomancer on the other hand, would need to focus on pretty much anything other than those two things to maintain decent control over their spells. Dark Magic negates ‘emotion’ entirely and makes someone operate on what they used to be, what they are at the core of their being, and who they are with power, which means that most people consider Dark Magic to be evil because it’s power corrupts people. The thing about that is that Twilight Sparkle, one of the most harmless Ponies, let alone people in general because Humans suck and so do most other races, has a propensity for Dark Magic and she’s just awkward. With the biggest magical conundrum on my hands I’d had since I was beginning to learn about Magic in the first place, I decided to do something both brilliant and incredibly stupid.

If I couldn’t use an established Rune Cipher, not even the most neutral one around, then I was going to make my own language out of the others.

Most people would call me suicidal for even thinking about blending Runic Alphabets since they’re Magic as the Fuck, but that’s not what I was doing. No, I was planning on merging the symbols, and for that, I needed complete and utter darkness. Why? So I could take my shades off and see exactly how the fuck I was supposed to go about combining all the shit with Super-Sane Sight. Instead of just looking into my future to figure out how I put the shit together, I got started on making a whole new Rune Cipher so I’d know exactly what everything meant and how to bend the phrasing as I pleased. As I started with molding Fraust with Lutorah, the amalgam I’d crafted burst into a shower of sparkles and the words ‘Tweeke-Speeke’ appeared before they blew away.

I grinned to myself. I already had a name for my RC. Now I just needed to make it.

✧❖☬❖✧

“You fucking. Suck the. Biggest of. Cocks.” I gasped from the floor of Dissida’s cave.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go again, Master?” Dissida teased mercilessly. “I’m sure you’ve improved over the last four hundred and ninety eight years.”

I flipped her off before letting my hand drop. “Isn’t it about time for another hundred-year nap?”

“You went insane seventy years ago, so no.” She said lightly. I shot her in the leg with Pamaus, the wind telling me where she was and she chuckled. “Your aim is certainly a lot better.”

“Fuck off, Dissy.” I grunted, sitting up.

Dissida gave me a cocky smile and extended a hand. “Are you sure you don’t want to just have sex?”

“Fuck. Off.” I growled, still remembering the time she’d put chili sauce in her honeypot and made me think my cock was actually in the Hell I’d thought of before I came to The Grey.
“You know I only tease you out of irritation and admiration.”

“Yeah, but it’s a lot less pleasant when you kick my arse for centuries and beat me with a stick until I bleed.” I said irritably.

“Hey, I’m not the one who asked to be trained by the Goddess of War and Chaos.” Dissida said smugly.

“I fucking hate you and your smarmy arse so much right now.” I muttered.

“You couldn’t care less.” She huffed.

“True.” I shrugged, dropping the act. “Still, I’m going to have to have practice mimicking emotion for when I go back to Equis.”

Dissida shrugged before her eyes shot open. “W-Wait! H-How did you know you weren’t staying!?”

I gave her a dull look. “Mark told me.”

“Sieg didn’t know about it!”

“Mark is smarter than you think, Dissy. What, you assume the fellow doesn’t pay attention to who he’s eating and how many times he sees them? Mark notices when souls disappear from the forest.”

Dissida pouted, and I have to say that after spending about six hundred years with her, I found it a little endearing. “Damn mutt, paying attention to unimportant stuff.” She muttered.

“Damn mutt is still the best right hand you’ll ever get.” I said amusedly.

The Crimson Queen sighed like she’d messed up a stitch while knitting or something of the sort. “True… You’ll still take me up on my offer, right?”

That actually got me to smile. About three hundred years into my training with Dissida, she’d asked me to replace Mark/Sieg as her right hand man, or rather, to become her ‘presentable’ Harbinger rather than be the face of her strength as Mark was. Dissida’s Seal was called ‘Cerberus’, though Mark no longer had three heads, nor was he taller than a castle these days. He still had the ability to grow by a few stories, but the other two heads had been cut off by Stelor and kept as Hounds of War as a gift from Dissida for bringing her some Demi-God that had never been named in the old tales. Dissida refused to tell me that guys name, but I assumed that he fucked with her.

“As long as our Covenant stays intact, I’d be happy to be your left hand. Mark should continue being your right hand, go-to fellow, Lover.”

Dissida gave me a frustrated look. “The other Gods make fun of me for having a Hellhound as a Harbinger though! I don’t want to keep looking ridiculous!”

“I’ll still be your Harbinger, I just don’t wanna be your errand-boy.” I said flatly.

“Damn. I was hoping that I could convince you to go buy me clothes.” She sighed.

“You easily could, just tell me what you’d like to wear and why you haven’t been wearing any since I’ve met you.”

Dissida smiled. “That’s easy! Furladra stole all of my clothes and keeps stealing them whenever I put them in my wardrobe. I like to have my clothes enchanted, so she takes them and gives them to my followers to worship. It’s really annoying, Gary.”

“Don't call me Gary, and I’ll see about getting you some nice things to wear that Furladra won’t steal.”

“Oh, she won’t steal anything else from me, I’m just cursed in a way that won’t let me wear clothes that a man hasn’t bought for me. It’s a pain in the ass since I can’t exactly keep a man with the whole psychaotic thing I have going on.”

“The only reason you even like me is because you get to beat me and I started stopping when you tell me to stop.” I grunted back.

“We have something that works, don’t we?” She asked sweetly, her demonic alto making it sound like a serial killer was asking if I had some cereals for sale after murdering multiple people in front of me.

“I don’t rape you, you don’t torture me. Yeah, that sounds incredibly fucked, but it does work.” I commented idly because I didn’t really give a fuck.

Dissida gave me a smile. “I love the way you sound when you don’t want to be bothered! It just makes me want to bother you even more!”

“Remember when I stuck your tail in your arse?” I shot back.

“... I’ll be good.” She said weakly.

“That’s what I thought.” I grumbled. “So how long do we have left? I don’t think either of us tell time too well these days.”

“Well, you have less than a decade left, but I can’t tell you how long you’ve been gone on Equis. I don’t really go there since it’s on the other side of the galaxy and traffic over there is terrible, but I’ll probably start checking up on you a week or so after you go back.” She gave me a sweet smile.

I nodded. “So how do you want to spend the time we have left? I’ve already said my goodbyes to Mark, Dole, Dairy the Moo, Cluck, Yellow-Belly, and the rest of the pack.”

Dissida gave me a little smile. “Could we wrestle? You’ve had me teach you how to use your legs, but now you need to learn how to grapple properly.”

“Foreplay?” I asked pointlessly.

“It’ll be fun~!”

I shrugged. “Fuck it, I’m in.”

Chapter Eighteen: Barely Legal

Chapter Eighteen: Barely Legal

✧❖☬❖✧

As I blew my four hundred and twentieth load into Dissida, I felt something odd happening. A pulling sensation started from behind my navel that soon turned into me actually being pulled away from Dissida. She smiled as I tried to figure out what was going on, then I scrambled to get my pants and trousers back on while Dissida laughed at me. The pulling got harder when it spread to the dorsal sides of my hands and the back of my head, but I managed to get my full kit and clothes on before anything happened. My lever-pistol-thing Pamaus rested on my left hip since I was a better shot with my left hand and I generally kept my ammunition in some of my right pouches anyway. My crossbow, Timothy, was strapped to my right hip, though it was technically bouncing off of my buttock whenever I took a step with it. I decided to leave Ballsy the knife behind because I didn’t want to be seen with a knife that had a pair of bollocks on it, lest someone get the wrong idea. Carey, on the other hand, was situated close to Pam since I was a better knife-fighter right-handed.

After I just barely managed to pick up Doug, my quarterstaff, Dissida hopped out of our nest and came up to me as my back landed flush with one of the cave walls. “Well, Gary-Boy, looks like this is it for now.” She said, smiling a little ruefully.

I was stuck against the wall, but I still managed to shrug. “We’ll see each other again sometime, I’m sure. It’s not like you hate traffic enough to keep you away from your Harbinger, right?”

She snorted and made a face. “It’s not, but I don’t wanna have to deal with Hermes. The guy’s an ass.”

“So are you, Dollface.” I deadpanned.

“I’m like the Goddess of Assholes, you asshole. Worship me.”

“And just why would I worship something as shitty as an arsehole?” I asked boredly.

Dissida blushed and grabbed my sausage, but I just looked at her. “You suck. When you come back, I’m going to show you how much you suck.”

“So you’re going to suck on me, right?”

“Just kill the joy in everything, why don’t you?”

“I’m enjoying myself.” I flashed her a shit-eating grin.

“Asshole.” She grumbled.

“I’m your favourite arsehole, and don’t you deny it.”

Dissida smirked before giving me a brief kiss. “Until next time, Garrison.”

“Maybe.“ I chuckled.

I had enough time to see her pout before my life flashed before my eyes in reverse, starting from my time in The Grey and ending as early as I could recall, going back to blurred faces and tasty treats that I barely remember. When the flash finished, I blinked a few times to clear the fog and found myself out in the middle of another forest, but this one was special; there was colour. It was nice to see brown bark and green leaves again, as well as white birches that popped up every once in awhile. I took in the smells and let the breeze blow around me so I’d know if anything was coming after me while my eyes were closed, but much to my surprise, I was the only creature above fifteen pounds for the next five hundred paces, give or take. The thing about that was that I’d only been trying to check for about fifty paces, which used to be difficult for me. When I’d first started with my Wind Magic, I could fill a twenty foot room and tell you where the big stuff was, but as of that moment, I knew of six squirrels, two chipmunks, a small snake, four large spiders (Large for a spider, that is), and countless other things that popped up in my mind as ‘living’ things, and that’s not even mentioning that I felt like I could reach out and touch any of it at any given time.

I had to try something while I was in the forest, so I let my eyelids fall halfway and focused on creating a bow of wind and air as I’d done when Twilight first started teaching me about Wind Magic. Much to my surprise, all I had to do was picture the bow I’d had in mind in my head and voila! I had a bow in my hand! It was smokey and translucent since the only reason it was even visible was because it had dust in it, but I wasn’t worried about how it looks so much as how it shot. Still tapping into the Mana in my navel, I formed an arrow from the breeze and nocked it, drawing the bow back until my first thumb-knuckle was touching my cheekbone. I had to shoot right-handed since I’d formed the bow in my left, but I’d had enough time to practice with both hands in The Grey, so I hoped that the difference wouldn’t be too severe.

The bow was easy to draw, but when I left the arrow go, I swear I heard the wind begin to roar as if a torrential downpour was coming soon on the shore. It took me less than the blink of an eye to let the arrow go, but it took a little longer than that for the arrow to find its mark. However, when the shot landed, the tree it hit had a gouge in it the width of my fist. I jogged over to check out the damage in detail and saw that the hole was at least eight inches deep, which made me wonder if you could comfortably fuck a tree for all of two seconds before I reminded myself that splinters in sausage would hurt just as much coming out as going in, therefore making the point to get hurt rather than to have fun with wood.

Since my little test with the bow had gone so well, I decided to try forming wings of wind once more, and like the Air Bow, the Wind Wings came together far more quickly and in a much more completed form than they had the last time I’d tried. I wondered why the fuck I was suddenly doing so well with my Magic before I realized that I’d gone insane at least three times in The Grey and had eaten an awful lot of Hellbeast cores. I do mean that I’d eaten plenty, because I’d had Hellhounds bringing me some from their kills after some time, and that didn’t even account for the kills I’d made myself, though thinking of the cores slash hearts of the Hellbeasts made me hungry for their tasty, tasty, magical flesh again. Sadly there were no Hellbeasts in sight, but I did have the tools I needed to go hunting in a normal forest.

I used a skill I’m going to start calling ‘Ill Winds’ to search for food in the five hundred pace radius as I walked along, feeling more and more creatures of various sizes pop up while I was strolling along before I found myself in a place where the wind literally felt ill. I no longer knew where I was, so I conjured the Wind Wings and jumped high, flapping the ethereal wings as I did so to get high into the sky. When I looked down, I saw that I’d gone from a typical forest to what I assumed was some kind of jungle, which would have been fine if that jungle wasn’t the Everfree. While I hung in the air trying to get the hang of the appendages I wasn’t born with, a big fuck-mothering bird that had to be some manner of edible tried swooping down on me from higher above, and it actually did manage to grab me. Sadly, the birdy wasn’t expecting me to have a gun, nor was it expecting to be shot in its avian genitals.

With blood on my head and a rapid descent on my plate at the moment, I started flapping my Wind Wings for all that they were worth, but I didn’t figure out that my best bet was to glide until it was almost too late. As it was, I skimmed the trees before I managed to get myself back into the open air, though I was a little shaken from the close call. I’d just gotten done being dead, and I wasn’t really looking for a return trip to Hell quite yet, so I decided to flap like my life depended on it and get as high into the sky as I possibly could, looking around as I did so. By the time I was high enough to be above the clouds, I was having a little trouble breathing, so I surrounded myself in a bubble of air, and as luck would have it, I didn't need to flap my wings while in my little bubble.

The only thing I could see above the clouds was a castle on a mountain, but I couldn’t tell what it was anymore. I’d long since forgotten the faces of the people I’d known, though I still knew their voices, oddly enough. There were days that I could swear that I’d heard someone while in the Grey, and though I couldn’t remember the names while I was there, I still knew the voices. There was one in particular that sounded purple to me, and I missed hearing it a lot, so I decided to put a little bit of hope into a small jar and start flying toward the mountain. It was going to be a long flight since I was so far away, but then I thought of how fast wind could make something move and willed the wind to blow me like Dissida.

The sheer speed had me smiling like a madman, and the freedom of unassailed flight was beyond magnificent. It easily had to be my new favourite activity besides eating Hellbeast cores, and as I drew closer to the castle, I decided to have a little fun with it and started flying around the mountain rather than to it. The resistance in the air I’d felt while going forward had been pleasurable in its own right, but the forces at play were more fun than the speed, to be honest. The way my body felt like it was being left behind as I surged forward was fun to say the least, and it only got better as I circled the mountain, trying to figure out how to go even faster than I was already going. I wondered if I could make the air split so that I wouldn’t meet as much resistance, and much to my surprise, the idea worked up until I smashed my bubble into someone’s estate on accident. I sent myself straight through a fourth story window, down a hall, and through the other side of the house, which was awesome!

I had to let out a ‘Woop!’ of pure adrenaline fueled excitement since I was still alive, but I think that woop alerted some guards to the fact that I’d just flown through someone’s house at a ridiculous speed because I heard someone shout, “Halt! By the names of the Prin-” before the wind drowned them out.

After a quick glance around to find somewhere to not die, I stopped all of my momentum cold while flying low over a rooftop and scrambled to the ledge to hide. Surely enough, not even a minute later two guards flew by and I decided that it was a good time to get the fuck out of there before they came back for a comb-over or something of the sort. I got up and prepared to jump as hard as I could, clearing the air above me and forming the wings as I lowered myself and got ready to spring. It took me a few seconds to get myself together, but when I was ready, I leapt into the air with enough force to bring a tile or two from the roof I’d landed on with me, the wind spiraling like the rifling of a gun-barrel to speed my ascent even further. I’d barely had enough time to blink before I was in a cloud, and after I finally managed to open my eyes again, I felt like I could see everything. The castle was but a distant memory beneath me, the whole of whatever town I’d happened to cause havoc in seeming to have become a shilling on the ground.

In a panic, I sucked air from below me and formed a bubble of hot air around me as I nearly fucking froze and struggled to breathe, peaking as I stopped willing my Magic to carry me higher. I didn’t know how long I’d take to fall, but I really wasn’t trying to die at the moment, so I let myself split my attention between keeping enough air in my bubble to breathe and lowering myself safely. When I didn’t have to go for a thousand fucking paces for breathable fucking air, I stopped and floated for awhile, feeling a little drained from the cold closer to the Sun. It was odd since Daelus had told me that the Sun had melted his son’s wings during their prison break when he’d gone too high, but I chalked it up to the Magic in Equestria and tried to find a decent place to land.
Getting a good spot that wouldn’t draw too much attention to myself wasn’t very hard anymore since the Sun had been setting during my little escapade, though I wondered if it didn’t take very long because it was one of the winter months or if Equestria’s Sun just set quickly. I wasn’t really paying attention earlier since I was still sorting out the feelings of being hot and cold after a thousand years of feeling neither at all. I decided that it was cold since I was having a hard time wiggling my toes in my boots. With frostrot a potential problem, I decided to surround myself with some warm air stolen from someone else’s home for a little while, keeping a little bubble of it around myself as I tried to remember why the place seemed so familiar. I knew I’d been to the castle’s town before with the coloured voices, I just couldn’t place when or where. I did, however, know that I had money, and I never forget where I keep my money.

✯☾Ω☽✯

I knew I was about to be rather amused whenever Garrison managed to find someone he actually thought was worth talking to, but for the time being, I had other matters to attend to. Twilight requested my presence in her office at Heaven Central, and I was pretty damn quick about materializing there since, you know, urgent. When I came face to face with my wife, she didn’t actually bother to look at me for a few minutes, using a calculator and some 2T-to-QD screens (Telepathic-Transcription-To-Quantum-Digital) to plow through her work until I felt something tap my shoulder. I wasn’t surprised that it was Twilight, but I was a little annoyed that she’d made me wait for her when she could have just come to me in the first place.

Through the power of a hello kiss, I stopped giving a fuck, though I was still curious about what she wanted. I followed her out of her office quietly so we wouldn’t disturb her Para-Person and we started walking around Heaven Central Circle, watching as people milled about, stopping by stands and grabbing snacks and party favours of all kinds besides actual drugs. No one paid us any mind since we didn’t want to be seen on our walk and we just enjoyed the familiar feeling of holding hands and walking for a little while before we got anywhere close to talking shop.

Twilight seemed to be in a pretty good mood when she said, “It’s nice.”

“What is, Cherry?” I asked pleasantly.

“Power.”

I pursed my lips. “Gone off the deep end?”

“I haven’t seen you in a little too long, so we’re going to have to keep up a regular schedule before things are all said and done.” She replied, still sounding cheerful.

“... Is that your way of saying that you’ve cleared my schedule?” I inquired hopefully.

My beautiful, sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, darling gem of a wife gave me a wink. “What do you say we go visit the kids?”

The smile that’d been growing on my face fell for all of a nanosecond before my jaw dropped. “... You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“Nope!”

I wrapped Twilight up in a monumental hug that would be spoken about in the plaza for weeks to come. The warmth and love radiating off of me birthed dozens upon dozens of new benevolent species that would grow into advocates for peace during multiple galactic wars, and I decided to give them the know-how to peacefully resolve said wars. I was happier than I’d been since Twilight had Drake, my youngest. Bluebell’s birth was a slightly more panicked occasion, but that detail mattered so little in the moment that it wasn’t even worth thinking of, but I’m God so I think of stupid shit constantly. Instead of just hugging my Supah-Fly Honey, I departicalized and shared my joy with her through The Covenant.

She eventually started giggling and begged, “Max, get out of me! You tickle, you Butthead!”

I materialized outside of her and couldn’t keep my tears from falling or my lips from trembling. “I loving fuck you right now su moch.”

Twilight giggled some more and gave me a warm, soft hug. “I love you too, Max. After all these years… I’ve finally found a way to pay you back.” She murmured as I sobbed tears of just… Joy. Happiness. Peace. Everything was finally going to be alright, and I wasn’t going to have to make it that way anymore.

It took me a good while to let Twilight go, and it took me a good decade in a pocket dimension with Twilight and Roxy to finally stop crying, but once I finally got my shit together, Twilight, Roxy, and I went to see our kids together for the first time since I’d cemented my position as Maximus Omnium. Roxy insisted that we see Drake first and Twilight didn’t mind visiting Roxy’s son before her own blood since both of my kids thought of Roxy and Twilight as their mothers. They just didn’t consider me their father, which sucked, but I had a feeling that it was about to suck a whole lot less.

We showed up on Drake’s doorstep and Twilight encouraged me to be the one who knocked for some odd reason. I kind of felt like Walter White for a second, thus killing the drug dealing scumbag off in multiple parallels out of goodwill as I knocked on my son’s door for the first time since he moved out. I waited on cold feet that stuck to the ground (I made them do that so I wouldn’t bolt), and when the moment of truth finally came, Drake looked me in the eye, and I looked back, wishing that I would’ve thought to grow a beard so I didn’t look like I was younger than him. Still, I saw myself in his face, but in his eyes I saw a man far better than I could have ever been, and my heart welled with more pride than I’d felt when Twilight and I had fully established ourselves as rulers.

“Hullo, Drake.” I said softly.

My son worked his jaw. “... S’been awhile. Dad.”

I blinked and tried not to let my tears fall as I smiled. “I should’ve stopped by sooner.” I murmured back.

He looked at me, taking in the sight of the man who claimed his husband’s life through cancer. “Only if you were willing to tell me why you took Paint Splatter from me. If you-” Twilight handed him a thing in an envelope and he stopped talking. “What’s this, Mom?”

“Read it, Smugmug.” Twilight said, gesturing for him to open it already.

Drake looked at her until her had the envelope open and the contents in his hand. A necklace that I recognized as Roxy’s and a piece of paper were all that were inside, and Drake didn’t have to read the paper aloud since everyone was watching through his eyes anyway. Yes, we’re invasive parents, but his eyes were created by us, so they’re our eyes when we want them to be. Anyway, the note read as such.

Dear Drake,

Do you remember your favourite Uncle? I know it’s been awhile, and I know that if you’re reading this, then I’m definitely long gone. I don’t know how to tell you this other than to just say it, but… I loved you. I loved you a lot, but I knew that by framing Max to hurt you, it’d destroy him inside more than anything I could do to him. I don’t expect your forgiveness, because I’m sure Max has killed me for getting revenge on him for bucking me over harder than you could even possibly fathom. I know you think your parents are Alicorns, but if the person who gave you this is an alien or something you’ve never seen before, ask them about Fate.

Don’t think. Just ask. I don’t know who Max would have replaced me with, but I doubt it’d be someone loyal to him. He wouldn’t be dumb enough to do it a second time if he knew why I changed Fate and caused a schism between Max, yourself, and Bluebell. However, if you’re reading this and I’m not gone, then I gave it to you in person, and you’re actually dead. Paint Splatter shouldn’t be far behind me.

I hope an eternity of peace and happiness with your lover is enough for an apology.

With Love,

Crimson Tide.

Drake stared at the letter for a good while and looked at Roxy’s necklace for a moment. “Mum?”

“Yes, Sweetie?” Roxy asked, eyeing the necklace herself in confusion.

“... Why did Crimson have your necklace?”

“I couldn’t tell you. I just made another one a long time ago.” She said truthfully.

“Right.” Drake nodded, blinking rapidly.

“Drake, I didn’t know-” I said.

“Dad, I’m so sorry.” He said shakily, his features mimicking mine in appearance and emotion. “All this bloody time…”

“Son, I’m God. We have more time than you think.” I chuckled.

“... So you’re not an Alicorn.” He said slowly.

“I haven’t been an Alicorn since before this planet existed.” I snorted.

Roxy gasped. “So we’re just spilling the beans now!? What was the point in hiding it all these years!?”

“I assume that story Dad told about the man and the King applies here.” Drake said drily, getting over his emotions like I used to back in the day.

Roxy blinked. “The one where the king gives the man enough to live and the man keeps asking for more?”

“I’ve heard that story more times than I’ve heard ‘Drake, put that book down and go to bed!’.” He replied, mocking his biological mother ruthlessly.

Roxy blushed and a rolled up newspaper appeared in her hand. “Forgetting where to apply that respect I taught ya, aren’t you?”

“Sorry Mum.” He spoke so fast it would’ve sounded like ‘Sahmum’ to most Humans.

“S’what I thought.” Roxy huffed.

I threw a rubber ducky at Roxy. “Be nice.”

“Oh, you’re just trying to get on his good side because you’re estranged!”

“Duh.” Twilight, Drake, and I replied in unison.

“I was going to beat him with the newspaper if you balked.” I admitted.

“Hardass.” Drake grunted.

“Don’t ‘ass’ and look like me.” I sighed.

“Ass ass ass ass, ass ass ass ass, ass ass ass ass; stop. Now make that motha-fuck- Ow!” Roxy threw a skillet at him.

“I swear! How in the bloodiest bits of Hell did you manage to get Twilight’s intelligence and Max’s lack of respect? You’re not even Twilight’s kid!” Roxy groaned.

Drake smirked at her. “Do you want the first hug, or does Dad get that honor?”

I snuck him while he was blinking. “Dibs.” I said, giving my son a hug… God… That feels so good to say. I think I might start crying again, dear Lord…

“Easy, Dad. Might start getting a little homo here in a sec.” Drake jibed.

I jabbed him in the kidney. “Shut it, punk.”

He jabbed me back, but I never could get him to throw a good punch. “Bite me, Old Man.”

I backed off and let Roxy get her hug in, followed closely by Twilight. Drake allowed us to come into his apartment, and I have to say that it was a nice enough little place, but I wasn’t expecting to see some Mare standing awkwardly in the kitchen, acting like she hadn’t heard a thing. “Hi.”

I waved. “Hullo. I’m Maximus, Drake’s Dad.”

She waved back. “Fairy Dust. I’m… Uh… Drake’s special somepony…”

I gave her a warm smile. “I bet you’ve heard that I’m an utter piece of shit, right?”

“She hasn’t heard a thing about you. You were dead, which is funny, right? Because you rule the country… Ha. Ha ha… Ah, fuck, this is weird.” Drake said.

“Stop swearing so much.” Roxy chided.

“Yes Mummy Dearest, whatever you say Mummy Dearest, I’ll curtail my language Mummy Dear- Ow!” Twilight hit him this time.

“Respect your mother, young man!” Twilight admonishes harder than Roxy, so it was more effective.

Drake rubbed his head. “Now I believe that you were the abusive one back when it was just you and Dad.”

Fairy Dust gasped, her eyes wide while Twilight flushed bright red. “I was not abusive! I never left so much as a bruise on Max!”

“Bullshit.” I coughed.

“Lyin’.” Roxy hacked.

“Damn, sold out.” Drake commented.

“What did your Mum just tell you, Drake?” I asked.

He scratched the back of his head. “Sorry, Dad.”

I raised a brow and he looked at Roxy. “Sorry, Mum.”

Roxy did a doubletake, looking between me and Drake. “You go to war with your Dad for half a decade and you listen to him over me!?”

“Let it go, Frosty.” I said softly. “He’s so much younger than us it’s ridiculous.”

“I’ll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat, Mister Fearspect.” She snapped.

“Mum, I was just giving you a hard time is all. You take jokes better than Dad ever has.” Drake reasoned.

She gave him a look. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. What you don’t know is that I was created from your father. I’m basically Max, but female and better in general.”
I jammed a thumb into her ribs. “Don’t listen to her. She might be my Eve, but she’s not leading me into temptation because I’m the temptation.”

“Dear God, help me.” Drake groaned, his cheeks pinkening through his scruff.

Twilight chuckled. “Your girlfriend meets your parents for the first time and it goes swimmingly!”

Fairy Dust came to stand next to Drake, and both of them avoided looking at anyone. “About that…”

“You better not be engaged.” Roxy said frostily.

Drake glared at her. “I’m a grown ass man-”

Roxy whipped out a foam baton. “Square up, grown ass man, ‘cause Mummy’s bringing Smackdown back to Friday nights.”

“Smackdown?” Drake asked before he started getting clobbered.

Fairy Dust just stared while Twilight and I started chatting about how we wanted to run the weather teams for the next couple of weeks. When Roxy was done working out her frustrations, Drake was nice and subdued, a little stunned that his tiny little Mum could swing so hard. “Have you learned your lesson yet?” Roxy asked.

“I think I’ve got a new kink.” Drake blurted.

I started cracking up and Twilight had a sudden ‘coughing fit’ that she eventually gave up on. Roxy went back to work with a longer baton for more leverage before cloning herself so she could beat him with a phonebook. Neither really hurt that much since the foam was thick and the phonebook was a fucking paperback, but Roxy’s physically stronger than me because the previous Fate was a vindictive cunt and had a grudge against me for subverting ‘It’ back when I killed Discord. Yeah, my fucking crowning achievement as Prince of Equestria, Savior of Equus, wasn’t supposed to go down how it did, but that’s a story for another time.

I held a tiny, toxic black ball and rolled it between my fingers, a whole Archetype lying in my grasp. The one rule I broke as Maximus Omnium, and I’ll never admit to it. Not in this extended lifetime, anyway. I wondered if the scene before me would be unfolding if I didn’t flip Fate the bird the first time around, but the more I thought about it, the more sure I was that I’d made the right decision, because the alternative was too heavy for my heart to bear. Thinking about it soured my mood, but watching my little Slush Puppy beat Little Man down with sheer blunt force put a smile on my face.

With my secret tucked right next to my bronze pea of hope in Betwixt, I nudged Twilight and gestured toward the closest Roxy. She winked and I smiled. “Drake, are you just gonna get whooped by two midgets?” I asked teasingly.

“This is child abuse!” He yelled, running around and trying not to get hit. He sounded pretty winded and got hit a lot.

I folded my arms and chuckled. “I know you’ve read Left Foot, Right Foot, Left Foot, Right Foot. This is nothing.”

“Did you write that or something!?” Drake asked, finally tackling one of his mothers and picking her up. The other Roxy disappeared and the real one gave him Hurricanrana DDT to make Drake regret his decisions in life.

I walked up to Drake as Roxy put him in a body lock. “Son, it’s an autobiography. I just picked a different Pen Name. Silver Flakes?” I tapped my right cheekbone, right below my blue eye.

He looked for all of two seconds before his jaw dropped. “... Dayum.”

“I give up.” Roxy uttered, vexed. She let him go shortly after.

“It’s an appropriate response to the news. I’m guessing we should call Bluebell and get her over here so someone other than Daddy Dearest can repeat it.” Twilight said frankly.

I pointed at Twilight and beamed. “Idea! Is good!”

Drake was back on his feet by this point, giving his Mum a sidelong look. “Yeah, about… Y’know… That.” Drake said, sucking air between his teeth. “Bluebell went to Earth?”

“The fu- What the f- Dude, Bruh, Mate, Bruvva, my guy, Homie please. Are you high? Tell me that you are high. Why did I not know this!? I’m fucking Maximus. God. Damned. Omnium! How in the shitballs does my daughter fuck off to shitland to do shit without anyone telling me shit!?”

Drake looked at Roxy expectantly and gestured toward me. “He just did an awful lot of swearing. Hit him.”

“Don’t tell your mother what to do.” I said blankly, snapping into Dad Mode in a heartbeat.

“Fuck off tho.” Drake said, trying to get a decent Stun Spell together.

“Stop what you’re doing before I spank you in front of your girlfriend.” I said flatly.

“Why is abuse your answer to everything I do?” Drake asked.

“Because your sister was the good child.” Twilight answered loftily.

“So she was the favourite.” He said flatly.

“You never liked bonding with me.” I replied neutrally.

“All you ever wanted to do was teach me how to hurt something!”

“All I ever wanted to do was teach you how to protect yourself without Magic.”

“Same difference!”

“That’s not a very smart thing for someone so intelligent to say.” Twilight chided. “Do you want to be dumb? Because being stubborn is a good basis for being dumb.”

“If you were any other colour than orange, I would respect what you say.” Drake grunted.

“Smartass Grandma’s Boy.” Roxy muttered.

“You just wish he was a Momma’s Boy.” I chuckled.

“Shut up and split so we can go see your manly daughter.” Roxy replied, holding the same volume.

I rolled my eyes and prodded Twilight’s consciousness, asking her if she wanted to come along and go visit Bluebell while Drake was busy making an arse of himself in front of his mild little tart. We’d still know what went on and get to know her of course, but for the time being, I was eager and anxious simultaneously to get to talk to my favourite child. Don’t fucking look at me like that, every parent has a favourite, and mine is a Daddy’s Girl who was always ready to give me a hug when she got home from school. I may have missed both of my children, but Drake smelled like a Human, and Humans don’t really smell all that good in general. Not bad per se, just not as good as Ponies, and guess what my daughter happened to be?

While Drake was a Scholar who still lived in the Capital (Ponyville, at this point in time), his sister had moved to the Crystal Empire to live with her Aunt and Uncle when she’d turned seventeen, and I hadn’t seen her since. My little girl would be the same age I was when I first came to Equestria, and her last memories would be of me trying to talk to her through a door while she did things I’m not trying to talk about. Drake’s hatred of me had been a quiet dislike, a simple ignoring of my existence. Bluebell thought I was a pervert, and the rumours about me in my early days still circulate.

I steadied myself with a little help from Twilight and Roxy as we materialized in the Crystal Kingdom, specifically in the Crystal Castle’s Royal Family Room because Bluebell wasn’t actually on Earth anymore, probably having had enough of it after some time. Roxy and I both get phone anxiety, so we had Twilight dial up Cadance and Shining Armour so they could get Bluebell to stop doing whatever it was that she was doing and schlep her arse to the Family Room for some stern talking to from a stern pair of concerned parental figures. Sternly, as Twilight put it. We settled down on the sofa, and when they chose to shift in, Shining and Cadance took up the loveseat.

“So it’s finally time for this talk.” Shining said awkwardly.

I nodded. “Yeah… I can’t let Bluebell think I was trying to hurt her or pull some creepy shit on her anymore.”
“We’ve heard both sides of the story, and we believe you Max, but what makes you think Bluebell is going to listen to you?” Cadance asked, concern etched across her face.

“... I’m going to duel her.” I said softly.

“No.”

“No.”

“No”

“No.”

“I agree.” Bluebell said from behind me, sending shivers down my spine.

“No!” Twilight thundered.

I shifted to my feet and faced Bluebell. She… She looked like a strong, independent young woman. I looked past her pale blue coat and looked into her deep violet eyes. I took a deep breath and let it out shakily. “Your terms?”

“I forbid this! No! Max, your dry streak will extend beyond the end of time if you fight our daughter!” Twilight screamed.

“No blood,” Bluebell said, making her mother calm visibly, but she still looked pissed beyond normal levels of deadly as fuck, “one sword. You must use a sword designed for the right hand-”

“Baby Blue, that’s so dirty!” Cadance spouted.

“It’s smart.” I said. “Honor is a nicety when you’re convinced that you’re looking at a rapist.”

“So what’s it like being Equestria’s biggest hypocrite?” Bluebell asked.

“The only thing I’m hypocritical about is killing people.”

“You’re an Alicorn. A Truth Spell wouldn’t work against you if you didn’t want it to.”

“Three killing blows or being held at blade. I’ll see you in the practice field.” I said, Shifting out.

Twilight followed me and nagged my fucking ear off. “Max, will you stop and think for two seconds!? What do you plan on doing here!? You can’t fight our Baby Blue!”

I looked at her calmly. “I’ve trained her since she was a foal. Noir’s been teaching her in the mindscape for so long, she’s technically hundreds of years old, Twilight. Bluebell has always been able to take care of herself.”

She glared at me with the full scorn of a mother bear protecting her cub. “I’ll fight you if you make me, Maximus.”

I matched her gaze, but I saw no give in those beautiful eyes of hers. “... I should probably trust you on this, but Bluebell and I always settled things with duels, Twilight. We’ve done it for years.”

“She’s not some filly you can just take down without a problem now, Max! What if you hurt her!? What if she hurts you!?”

I looked at her. “Then you heal us.”

“Oh. Shut up and don’t fight our damn daughter!”

“Is that your advice as a mother or advice as Fate?” I asked.

“I can’t actually answer that, but do you honestly think any mother wants their husband fighting their children?”

“You were happy to watch Drake get beaten and he’s your favourite.” I countered.

“I don’t have a favourite, thank you very much-” Twilight glanced behind me and stopped for a second before continuing. “Unlike you who apparently feels the need to smother your child about every little thing!”

“What does that have to do with my favorite? I didn’t smother Bluebell, I just didn’t want her to go down a dark path like I did! I mean, Hell! Both of our kids turned out better than me-”

“We might have done something right, but Bluebell hates you,” Twilight said coldly. “and here you are trying to fight her.”

“Twilight, you’ve seen the memories, she’s seen the memories; what other proof do I have? How can I convince my daughter that I just didn’t want her to pick up a bad habit at an early age!? I mean fuckin’ seriously here, Twilight. You said that we should try coming to her again and all I got is the old standby. If you know of some fucking way to make Bluebell call me Dad again or just fuckin’ look at me without that fuckin’ look in her eye-” I sniffed and cleared and eyes. “You never had to see her look at you like that, Twilight. Like you stabbed her in the back. Like you tried to do some unforgivable fuckin’ bullshit that goes against every fuckin’ fiber of your being. What do I do?” I asked, hoping that the smartest woman in six hundred and sixty three galaxies would have something for me.

Twilight just looked at me for a moment before the ghost of a smile curved her lips, confusing me while there were tears running down my face for like the billionth time. “... Dad?”

I whipped around and the obvious struck me: Twilight was obscuring Bluebell from my Awareness. She’d heard everything I’d just said. “... How long have you been there?” I asked slowly, too stunned to fix my face.

“... I’ve never seen you cry.” Bluebell answered quietly.
I cleared my eyes with a conjured handkerchief and wiped a bit of bogey jam off of my nose, trying to regain my composure. “There’s a reason it’s been so long, Dear Heart.”

Bluebell’s slap was lightning fast, but she was still young. I caught it easily, even while trying not to burst into tears again. “You’re getting slow, Max.”

I spoke through my teeth. “It’s hard to hold it together when I know you’re hurting and I can’t help you.” I let her go.

She looked at me with steel in her eyes. “Why didn’t you stop me from moving here?”

I looked her in the eye and no amount of willpower stopped the dams from leaking. “Cowardice.”

I didn’t need to explain everything to her. She’d heard it from Twilight a thousand times. She’d heard the whole, ‘I didn’t stop you because you’re of age and that’s your right.’ bullshit, and the ‘Also, you slapped your father in the face with that bullshit!’ rant from Shining more than a few times. She’d gotten other lectures and had basically ended it there, cutting ties with me, even through the Dragon Mail I’d sent her. She couldn’t file for a Restraining order since I was King of the largest nation in the world, but she’d moved to the one place she knew everyone else hated me too. The Crystal-Fucking-Kingdom. I didn’t want to know what else she’d heard that would poison her against me. I didn’t want to see her hate me even more than she already did. I didn’t want to lose what precious few memories I’d had of my little Amazon.

“... Mom wouldn’t forgive you if I made you do this.” Bluebell said softly.

“I don’t want to lose you over parenting.” I said shakily.

Bluebell’s coat turned bright pink. “I heard Drake grunting like a baboon for years!”

“We bitched at him a million Godmothafuckinshitdickingtiballsfucktarded more time than you!!!” I blurted. “Oh my God, Roxanne and I used to go spelunking down that boys fuckin’ throat for the sake of some silence on the weekends! That’s why we moved back to Arcadia Arcadia, and didja not fuckin’ bloody fuckin’ notice that we went right back ta bloody Ponyville when he Ponyville out out!? I mean- erg-” I held my temples and gasped for breath. “Holy shit I’m having a stroke. I think I’m actually having a stroke. Am toast imagining toast burning? Not toast, toast. Toast.” I started panicking. “T-T-Toast! Toast! Toast!”

“Max, Max, calm down!” Twilight grabbed ahold of me and delved into my Anima, then my soul, traced my chakras, and observed my Mana.

“M-Mom? What’s going on?” Bluebell asked, freaking out a little bit herself.

Roxy materialized in front of me and put her hands on my chest. “... Oh shit.”

“Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit!” Twilight barked. “Roxy, get him to Ulfberg Warmane! Now!”

Roxy’s universe was right next to his, and as we departiclized and warped, I could feel my Aspects slamming back into my consciousness as my Awareness grew holes, despite my efforts. The holes weren’t horribly large, but they encompassed entire countries on gigantic planets that would easily dwarf the Sun, so I scuttled everything that had red strings of Fate tied to them first, sparing the worst off from their Fates as I could. Another Aspect rebounded into me as Roxy explained what was going on to the best Healer in existence, but I was able to fling that one back out into the expanses and have it help me search for the places I was having trouble seeing. It was like having cataracts until I realized that I just couldn’t focus. My head hurt as I tried to zero in on Equis to see how things were going since Fate was evidently still fucking with me, but I doubted that Twilight would screw me with Godly diplopia.

Fucking... I’m old.

To make an instantaneous visit, diagnosis, treatment, and release even shorter, I was on a shorter time limit than I thought I was on. Gods don’t get diseases, but apparently we do get weak once we get so old. Think of a God’s life as the life of a star: We start out mortal and weak, our true potential scattered like a stellar nebula. Then some godly prick collides some atoms together, or rather, stirs up trouble on a planet and throws a guy on it, and Bam! You got yourself a god! Lowercase G. Then, you make that God expend vast amounts of their power, meanwhile the star heads in red supergiant territory and doesn’t fry you from as far a distance. However, gods do become Gods, just as the supergiant supernovas. However, that supernova is dangerous for a God, because if someone collects a little too much energy, lives just a little too long, then it’s black hole time. Game over. The stroke was the first sign of me reaching the black hole stage, and that was the worst news possibly given in the collective histories of the Triple Sixes.

Within ten years time, I was going to become the Last Nameless One. If Garrison didn’t manage to earn Godhood within ten years, then I would become one of the Nameless Abominations and wipe the slate clean.

I collected my aspects into ten bodies, which meant that I was effectively leaving Universe One to Roxy. Even with my strength collected, I only managed to squeeze a few more years into my flask, and now because I waited too fucking long to man up and ask Roxy to take over for me, she had to stretch herself thin to restart her universe and keep the ball rolling in mine while she trained her replacement. Still, I started working even while I was recovering, sending my remaining Aspects out into the wilds to seek out the other Gods and the Devil Pairs of each universe to start locking down Universe One before it was too late. The Fate of Existence itself rested on the shoulders of a being who’d just finished a thousand year sentence in his cultures Hell by sexually assaulting the Devil herself and eating the things that used to eat him.

I honestly didn’t know how to feel.

✧❖☬❖✧

So I forgot how to read. It only took me a couple of hours to get used to Common again, but that was just reading it. The first few Ponies I talked to looked at me funny as I spoke in Vulpha to them before they walked off, but I did manage to talk to a dog who told me where I could find a money place. I just hoped that it was my money place, having forgotten the word for ‘bank’ up until I saw it on the building. Once I was pretty sure that my name was Garrison Varas, I prayed to Dissida for her to teach me Common again and she granted me the boon, saying that it was the only one I was getting for the day since I needed it to get anything done.

I only realized that I should’ve asked her to fix my memory completely after she got me talking again, and the sound of her laughter in her head reminded me to grab a clothespin the next time I saw her. I knew of a little nub that needed its attention, though I figured I’d have to find one that flexed. ‘… Ooo, a ‘paper clip’ would be perfect!’ was as far as I needed to go since I could just drop a couple into a few pouches and forget about them until I actually needed them. With my thoughts together and a plan to put in motion, I mixed in with the early risers as well as I could since a lot of the people out and about at the wee hours of dawn were rarely up to any good while scoping out my bank before I realized I wasn’t trying to rob it.

Face met palm in as I dumbed to brain, but I climbed onto a tall tree during a thunderstorm to come back as the New Garrison; electrified and galvanized, which means the same thing, I think. Fuck. Oh well. The point is that I got my head out of my arse and into the bank, walking up to one of the tellers with what I hoped was a charming smile. “Wotcher. Garrison Varas, here for a withdrawal.”

The small fellow gave me a frightened look. “A-Are you here to rob us?”

I blinked at him. “No, Sir. I have an account at this bank.”

He looked at me. “A-A-And y-y-your name?”

“Garrison. Varas.” I said slowly.

He scurried off as fast as he could and I scratched my beard. I wondered why he seemed so frightened, so I pulled Carey out and looked at myself in her reflection. I looked good with a beard, but that was about all I saw other than some hair that severely needed to be cut. I didn’t pay it any mind and put Carey away, but the second I had her sheathed, I felt a disturbance in the wind behind me, so I turned to see a portly fellow with shaggy fur ambling toward me with his hand on his baton. I put both of my hands in the air and waited for him to approach with little interest.

“Sir! There are no weapons allowed in the bank!” He barked when he got close to me.

“Ah, would you like to confiscate them for a moment, then? I’d hate to break the rules.” I said pleasantly.

“Oh no, you’re not walking through Canterlot armed like a bandit!” The security fellow shouted.

“Sir, I’m only passing through. I’ve been gone a long time-” He drew his baton and raised it. “Don’t do that, Bruv. You’ll regret it.”
He waved it menacingly. “Get out now!”

“I have money in this bank. I am a peaceful customer-” He started toward me, so I thrust a hand forward and made the wind blow him away since I didn’t want to actually hurt him; just make him fuck off long enough to get my money.

I turned around to see a lot of sacks of bits on the counter behind me, so I scratched my head and started looking for a teller. I locked eyes with one and waved. “Excuse me, Miss? I’d like to make a withdrawal under Garrison Varas.”

She stared back at me. “... So you’re not here to rob us?”

“No, Miss.”

“... Do you remember the account number?”

“Do the numbers four-thirteen-eight-twenty-six mean anything to you?”

“Did you have two letters to go with that?”

“Two A’s.”

“I’ll check and see if your account is still on file. How much would you like to withdraw?” She asked timidly.

“Five hundred, please. I should have considerably more than that, I do believe.” I answered politely.

“What would you like that in? Bits come in increments of twenty-five up to one hundred.”

“Can I have twenty-five ones, five twenty-fives, five fifties, and two hundreds?” I asked.

“Yes Sir, I’ll have it for you right after I confirm your account.” She hustled off and I approached her booth unassailed. Apparently all I had to do was prove that I was just there for some bits that were actually mine and all was well.

I waited around for a little bit before the door exploded with activity around the same time the woman came back with my bits. She was counting them out for me as guards filed into the building before presenting a vaguely familiar Mare with white fur and a very peculiar mane. I watched her impassively as she came to me, but before she could say anything, I raised a hand, turned, and accepted my bits from the teller.

“Thank you.” I said pleasantly.

She stared at the woman behind me, so I turned, tying my new pouch to my belt. “Can I help you, Ma’am?”

“You don’t recognize me at all, do you?” White Voice asked.

“You’re the White Voice. You told the Purple Voice to stop looking for me.” I said frankly. “I’d be more offended if I actually knew that you said anything of the sort, but my feelings are still rather hurt.” I replied.

“... Garrison, how long have you been gone? How long do you think you’ve been apart from Equestria?” White Voice asked.

“I’ve been in Hell for a thousand years. [I had to relearn this language, which is terribly inefficient.]” I said, half in Vulpha.

“[It serves its purposes.] What happened while you were in Hell?” She asked.

“I kept getting eaten so I started eating the things that were eating me.” I answered blithely.

“... Do you mean that literally, or…?”

“Hellhounds tore my flesh apart and consumed me. I would heal and have to run from them all over again until I decided to stand and fight. When I started winning, I started getting hungry, so I ate their hearts.”

She blinked at me and subconsciously leaned away. “Seems like you’ve had quite the time of it.”

“Were we friends?” I asked.

“... Yes.” She said slowly.

“What is your name?”

“Princess Celestia.”

I extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you again, Princess. Do you know a good place to get a steak?”

“Would you settle for a delicious omelette?” She asked, adding in some subtext.

“That sounds better than the steak. Will there be cheese?” I asked.

“Do you like ricotta? I find that it’s exceptional in an omelette.” Celestia said courteously.

“I don’t remember if I’ve ever had it, but then again I don’t remember what I look like either. Can I shave before we eat?”

“I can have a professional make it easier on you.” She offered.

Something clicked in my head. “Your name isn’t Princess, you are a Princess! No wonder there are so many guards with you.”

Celestia gave me a concerned look. “Would you say that you’re of sound mind at the moment, Garrison?”

“I’m not even completely sure that’s my name, to be honest with you. Dissida called me Gary or Lover-Boy most of the time.”

“... It’s truly a shame when a being grows old enough to forget their own name.” She said tenderly. “Tell me, do you know what fruits you still enjoy?”

“Can you remind of what one is?”

“Foods such as apples and oranges.”

I smiled. “The hearts of the creatures I slayed were orange. I would like to try the orange fruit.”

Her smile grew a little strained. “Tell me, Garrison. Would you hurt somepony if they tried to hurt you?”

“I don’t really have a reason to. I can just blow them away or fly away now.” I said casually, not really caring for her implications. “I hunt monsters, not people.”

“... Would you be interested in hunting monsters for me?”

“Name a price for each beast and I’ll consider it. I assume I’m to bring you a trophy of my conquest?”

Celestia nodded. “We’ll deal with that task at a later date. For now, let’s alight to the castle for breakfast, shall we?”

“I follow in your wake, Princess.” I replied, checking my pouch of bits. “I assume you also have a barber in the castle?”

“We have a mane stylist with a steady hand.” Celestia said, sounding a little proud.

“I’ve a sharp enough knife to do it myself then. Or have a servant fetch me powder, a brush, and a razor and I could get most of it in a few passes.”

“Do you want to keep any of it?” Celestia asked. “It is a little cold outside.”

“I wouldn’t mind parting with it for now. Hair does grow back after all.” I said, checking out the steely grey locks.

“It does, but you do look rather nice with a beard. Few Stallions manage to pull it off very well.”

“I didn’t mean to look this good, it just happened.” I sighed. “I’m sure you understand the struggle.”

She scoffed. “Please, even Princesses wake up with bed-head.”

There were gasps around the bank as Celestia smiled at me and waved me forward. I joined her and started chatting about the new and exciting things I’d seen earlier, like the grand blue skies, or the pink skies of dawn, or the purple skies of pre-dawn, or the frost that formed early in the morning. Celestia bore my observations with a smile that seemed genuine to me, though she noted that I mostly appreciated the things that moved by themselves and the way things changed over time. She was right, of course, because I’d missed the variety that change provided. I’d missed the random strokes of the world that seemed to make or break a man’s day, and it was all back in the palm of my hand for me to watch unravel. The feeling was swelling and my smile stayed on my face as Celestia took me to go get some chocolates, and then to go get clothes that suited the populace. She said that I didn’t have to give up any of my weapons, but she made me get a long ‘peacoat’ that hid Pamuas and Timothy, as well as my quiver and most of my pouches.

On the plus side, the peacoat was warm and comfortable as well as looking rather dapper, if I do say so myself. However, it wasn’t a cloak, and I like cloaks. I mentioned the lack of a hood on my peacoat to Celestia before she even made me try it on and she wandered off to find me a hat shortly after. I didn’t want a hat, I wanted to hide, but I didn’t mind all that much. Celestia returned with something called a ‘pork-pie’ that was the same color as the peacoat and I bit back my mild irritation in favour of being grateful that Celestia was making me more handsome for free. The worst part of the endeavor was picking a tie, but Celestia decided to get a tie that was the same color as my hair, which turned out to be a shimmery, dark grey that actually looked rather nice. Celestia taught me how to tie it myself , and after I was situated with more replacements for the clothes I was wearing, we were off, though we just strolled the morning away and talked some more, chatting about inconsequential matters when the wind shifted in favour of someone else. I wrested control of my radius back and located the problem standing on a rooftop, looking down at Celestia and I.

While I was being thankful for my hat since it meant that I could avoid letting the would-be assassin know what the problem was, I was drawing the air away from the bowman. “Celestia.”

“Hmm?” She asked, the conversation having lulled.

“Bowman, rooftop, eleven on the clock. I’m subduing him as we speak.” I said softly.

“... And just how are you doing that?” She asked, amused.

“I forget what it’s called, but I do things with Mana or something. It’s cool when I think of new stuff.”

“That tells me exactly nothing. Why are you subduing the fellow on the roof?”

I pointed him out to her and he tried to scurry off when he realized he’d been spotted, but I blew a gust of wind hard enough to carry him off of his feet and made a stream of air carry him closer. When he was directly over us, I took Celestia’s hand and stepped away with her, dropping the fellow on his face. “Heya, Bruv. Whatcha watchin’ us for?”

He struggled to breathe, wild-eyed and shaking like a leave. Celestia sighed. “Garrison, you broke him.”

“Do percussive mechanics work here?”

“Drumming tinkerers?”

“No, the principle of whacking something ‘til it works again.” I elaborated.

Celestia gave me a look before kneeling down next to the fellow, so I walked around so that I could attack him without hitting her if I had to. She cast some sort of spell on the Tom and he started, freezing in place, though breathing heavily. “Tell us who sent you and you will be spared from Tartarus.” Celestia said in a motherly tone, like she was telling him that he was about to get a slap on the wrist.

The fear in his eyes was unmistakable, but he knew what his best shot was. “H-Herodotus…”

The Princess’ face contorted into a perfectly statuesque mask. “I see. As I said, you will be spared from Tartarus.” She turned to face a guard who’d marched up shortly after Celestia cast her spell. “Take him to the Canterlot Dungeon. He’ll be with the next shipment to the Changeling Hives.”

“W-Wait! I-I thought you said I was going to be spared!” The assassin yelled, betrayal written across his face.

“The sentence for treason is a lifetime sentence in either Tartarus or the Changeling Caves. Would you like to choose?” The guard growled.

The Tom started hyperventilating, which was most likely because he couldn’t move as two guards jogged up to drag him away on the first fellow’s orders. When they turned a street corner and left Celestia and I with a few more of her guards, the Princess turned to me with a small smile. “You spotted him but a few moments after my wards reacted to his presence. I must say, Garrison, that your intuition is impeccable.”

I smirked at her. “Why does it sound like you’re humbly bragging?”

That made her laugh. “Well I suppose it would sound that way, wouldn’t it? At least to an observant, cynical Stallion.”

“I just caught an assassin. I’m rather certain that I’m justified in being cynical.” I huffed.

“That brand of cynicism could serve you well as a Ranger, should you choose to pick that as a vocation.”

“You want me to be a Ranger?”

“When did I say that?” Celestia asked, raising a brow.

“Two compliments and a ‘passive’ suggestion from a woman means she wants something from you.” I said flatly. “Hook, line, then sinker.”

She pursed her lips. “... I’m actually rather offended by that.”

I shrugged. “It’s not my fault I’m old. I didn’t die on purpose.”

“... That would explain why your memories are nearly nonexistent, even if you weren’t a full millenium old.” Celestia said slowly.

“Life sucks and then you come back to life and it sucks some more. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to do something for me, but I don’t want you to feel obligated, Garrison. I’m sure that a Stallion of your skills can accomplish the task, but I don’t want to force you into it.” Celestia said carefully.

“Fuck it. Let’s hear it, Lover.”

She blinked. “Okay then. Guards, head back to the castle.” Celestia said, waving the guards away moments before teleporting me or some shit. I didn’t know what exactly she did, but I knew that it sucked and that I didn’t like it at all, so when we appeared in the sitting room, I immediately found a sofa to lie down on while Celestia said, “Alright, Garrison. I need you to do something for me, and I need you to do it discreetly.”

“I’m not a prostitute. At least, it doesn’t sound like something I’d do.” I said idly.

She shook her head. “Anyway. I need you to go to a country called ‘Minosia’, and I need you to meet with a Tomcock named Kerrick. I’ll have more details for you if you choose to accept the mission, and I promise that you’ll be handsomely rewarded if all goes well.”

“So it’s a suicide mission?”

“It’s definitely possible, just incredibly difficult.” Celestia admitted.

“Then I need a guy and a gal, both good at sneaking, both good with whatever weapons they carry. Preferably a gunner and an archer or Ranger of some kind, just in case we need to make a distraction or disappear quick respectively.” I replied, thinking of all the scenarios Dissida and I had fought through, fighting against different vocations and talents to sharpen our skills.

“...It’s odd that I know exactly the Mare for the job, but I don’t know what you mean by ‘gunner’.

My head pounded and I thought of three letters. “H-I-J…”

“H-I-J? Hi Jay?” Celestia asked.

“Is Jay a name or something?” I asked, my mind aching in my skull.

“... He’s an Artificer. He might know more about ‘gunners’, but I don’t know how your relationship is with him.” She responded hesitantly.

“So I know him?”

“You know Kerrick too, but I doubt that he’s one of the voices in your head.” She said dismissively.

“Oh. Okay. So when do I go to Minosia?”

The Princess thought about it for a second. “... Give me two days to plan the assault with my sister and you’ll leave on the third with your team.”

“Sounds good to me. When do I remeet them?”

“With any luck they’ll be here by nightfall.” Celestia replied pleasantly. “Until then, I should probably get back to attending Court.”

“Not going to explain why you’re not telling me anything as far as my past goes?”

“Would you like an honest answer, or would you like a candy-coated truth?”

“Honest answer, please.”

She nodded. “I shoved you away when we first met because you were too close to somepony I cared about a lot, but now is a chance for me to get rid of you certainly. If you do survive, then you prove your worth. If you fail, then my somepony is safe from you. I win either way.”

I blinked slowly. “I knew you were going to use me and I didn’t care. Still don’t. As long as I get to come back and slay monsters, it’s all good.”

“... You really just want to slay monsters?”

“Killed thirty-four Hellhounds with a big stick and my bare hands. It was fun.”

She smiled. “Okay then. Would you care for tea?”

“I’d be delighted.” I gave her an earnest smile.

What? Who says no to good tea?

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Luna? Bruh, lemme tell you about Luna and her stuck-up ass. So I go to Luna because making my own Rune Cipher is fucking complicated, and I already had an expert of Fraust in my head. However, Lutorah was generally a Luno Family thing, and it just so happened to be one of the more vague RC’s, meaning that you could cast large-scale, broad ranged spells with the runes. Luna was supposed to be the Heir of Lutorah, but some-fuckin’-body lost the Maxdamn Cipher! I was salty as fuck when I found that out, and it was mostly because she had given me the run-around for ten minutes straight while trying not to confess to her dumbassery.

I was hopping on the dawn train back to Ponyville when someone sat next to me out of nowhere, the train having been going for some time now. I didn’t pay them any mind until they nudged me twice. “Psst.”

“Yeah?” I murmured.

The Mare slid a briefcase up against my leg with her hoof. “Grand Duke Grogar sends his regards. He requests an audience at your earliest convenience.”

“... Who is he?” I asked softly.

“One who has sensed your ripples across the Ether. You would do well to heed his call.” She got up and left, leaving the briefcase behind.

I decided not to open it until I got back to my shop since it was still too early in the morning for many things to actually be awake, my little Buttershy included. Things had been going great between us and had been doing so ever since I started bringing some of my work home with me instead of staying at the shop to finish it, but I had a feeling that the happiness would be a distant memory if I ignored this ‘Grogar’ fellow. The name didn’t sound like someone you would root for in a fight if you had half decent morals and no money in the game, but I tried to withhold judgement until I knew what I was dealing with.

The lock to my shop was still unpicked, so I looked around before shifting through the door because I didn’t have my keys on me. Everyone knew I was a ‘Unicorn’ anyway, so it wasn’t actually all that unusual to see me doing magical shit in general. Once I was in the back and away from prying eyes, I set the briefcase on one of my work tables and cracked it open, but I wasn’t fuckin’ expecting to be grabbed by zombies! It freaked me the fuck out when a bunch of rotting hands reached out and started pulling me into the briefcase face first, but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. However, I eventually just got dropped on my back. Small mercies and all that since the alternative was being eaten alive. Even if I’m undead, that just sounds unpleasant.

I didn’t see or smell any zombies anywhere, so I sat up and looked around, but everything was black and tan like some shitty beer or something. I mean the majority of the place had obsidian walls and the rest had like, beige-ish stone and banners with the Baphomet symbol on them. It was a little creepy until I heard an old guy cough behind me, thus making it super sketchy as fuck as well. I faced the man I assumed to be Grogar and took in his haggard appearance. He seemed to be on his last legs for an old goat; his coat dingy and a little patchy, one of his eyes a milky white, and his horns chipped and curling. I wasn’t impressed by what I saw, but I was impressed by what I felt. The Goat in front of me was rather powerful, and I could tell that a lot of his power was pitch fuckin’ black just by being in his presence. I had a feeling that I was safe enough since I was just some Thrall, but I did wonder what he wanted.

“Hello, Jameson.” Grogar wheezed. “Welcome to my humble home.”

I looked around at the grand antechamber. Everything echoed for a good few seconds. “Humble is a word you could use, I suppose. Thank you for having me over, though I do wonder why you sent an evil briefcase after me.”

He chuckled at that. “Ah, it’s just a fast method of transportation, my dear friend. Tell me, are you not curious about why I’ve brought you here?”

“I might be a little wonder-filled.” I jested.

Grogar gave me a toothy smile. “The spirits say you want to learn Ultima Umbra. They also say that you’re experimenting with a new Rune Cipher in an attempt to appraise a certain talisman.”

“I’m assuming you can help me with both?”

He just smiled. “If you’re willing to learn from a silly old goat.”

“We’re about to get crazy with Black Magicks, aren’t we?”

“Attentive and inventive! It’ll serve you well while we get started!”

“Can we actually do that like, not now? I kinda have a girlfriend I need to see, and-”

“Oh relax, time is so warped in this place that you could study under me for a decade and still not learn a single percent of all I have to teach you! And, if you’re willing to sacrifice a pesky little part of your Anima to some sketchy beings for power beyond your wildest dreams, I can teach you how to do this,” He raised his hands and snapped his fingers, the lights winking out of the room before a second snap happened and Grogar appear before young and hearty, “on a whim. Age will mean nothing to you, my Pupil. All I need from you is one little thing.”

“My undying loyalty?” I asked blandly.

He rolled his eyes. “No, I need you to finish that little Rune Cipher of yours and build me a Rune Circle when you have it done. It has to contain the entire alphabet of your cipher and it has to be a pentagon, otherwise you’ll start going crazy with your polygons before you learn the ins and outs of your cipher.”

“So you want me to not be a complete idiot. Gotcha.” I nodded.

“Fantastic! Ah, it’s been so long since one of our kind has come to be that I was beginning to worry that I was going to have to take a Wyrm as an Apprentice!”

“What do you mean by people like us?”

“People with their Mana in their hearts, my Pupil. We are a rare breed, and even rarer are those of us who blur the lines between the Holy and Unholy so well. You, my friend, are my kind of evil.”

“Yeah, but like, I’m not all that evil in the first place, my man. Like, I kill dudes and all, but it’s not like that’s super evil in context.”

“Out of context you’re just a horrible person to most Ponies.” Grogar scoffed. “To me, you’re a man of action; one who takes his destiny into his own hands! The way you’re playing with your own Fate by pioneering a new Rune Cipher is simply too good to pass up! You must be my successor!”

“Grand Duke, right?” I asked. “I don’t really want to be a Grand Duke, but I’ll totally carry on your legacy as your student for the magical stuff.”

Grogar blinked at me. “... You don’t want to rule Moudar?”

“Never heard of it.”

“Of course not,” He scoffed, “it’d be too simple for you to have any experience in Tartarus. No, Moudar is the richest territory in Tartarus. We rule the Satyrs, Centaurs, and when we have steak night, the Cyclops’.”

“Why is Moudar the richest country?”

“Smuggling and Necromancy-based slavery!” Grogar said proudly.

“Nice.” I complimented. “Y’know, I was working on starting a Coven in Equestria… Wouldn’t hurt to have my attentive, inventive Master on retainer for organizational matter, would it?” I wiggled my brows at him.

Grogar pursed his lips. “Hmm.. If you want undead that have autonomy, start making Revenants.”

“Kinda stuck on the Vampire thing, to be honest with you.”

He stroked his beard and gave me a scrutinous look, making me wary of his words to follow. “You know, my Pupil, Vampires have a place here in Tartarus. They’re often held in high esteem.”

“If I go full-blooded, then I’ll probably get put down.”

“As I’m well aware. That’s not what my suggestion was. My suggestion was to somehow connect you to my lineage and have you speak with Nytemaire, the Archduchess of The Black Waste. She would owe you at least five minutes, seeing as how you were made a Thrall while unconscious.”

“How’d you know that I was out cold when I was made into a Thrall?”

“I’m old, Jameson. Very old.”

“Fair enough.” I nodded. “So where do we start in the grand scheme of Black Magic and mayhem?”

“I believe we start with coffee, then we put our heads together to get your Rune Cipher completed. How does that sound?” He asked pleasantly.

“Bitchin’. Let’s get to work, Teach.”

“Ah, if you are to be under my tutelage, you are to address me as Master or Teacher. There will be no debate.”

“Yes Massa’, sorry Massa’.”

“I feel like you’re referencing something, but I don’t know what it is.”

“Wasn’t a reference or anything, just some words.”

“I have a feeling that I just picked someone fun to teach.” Grogar smiled. “Let’s get some coffee, shall we?”

“Following you, Teacher.”

Author's Note

And with this, another chapter is completed. It touches me in a special place. A warm place. A moist place.

My liver. It feels weird. I need a doctor.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Nineteen: Where's That One Guy?

Chapter Nineteen: Where’s That One Guy?

₪ღ✮ღ₪

The days blended together in Grogar’s pocket dimension, but even as I lost my grip on what time was, I learned more about the most forbidden arts imaginable. Anything I wanted to learn, any sacrifice I wanted to make, Grogar was all too happy to help me along with. After a few days of nonstop research and training, Grogar introduced me to the woman I’d be feeding off of for the foreseeable future so I didn’t have to eat the shitty food that Tartarus had to offer. Grogar himself didn’t need to eat and hadn’t in the past thousand or so years, but Trisha the Satyr was happy to eat just about anything she could get her hands on. It made her blood taste funny more often than not, but she was literally a slave owned by me with legal documentation, so I made sure to give her the freedoms I could since my morals still exist. Grogar found it amusing that I was willing to take a life, but not willing to own a sentient being.

Dude’s just dumb sometimes, but he is old as shit.

Anyway, I didn’t bother to meet many of the residents of the pocket dimension since most of them couldn’t speak due to not really having the brains for it, meaning that I had a fucktonne of time to decide what I wanted to study. Teacher Man was a little disappointed that I wanted to start with Alchemy, but when I mentioned to him that I wanted to see The Source, he beamed like I’d told him that I was going to take over Moudar so he could enjoy a peaceful retirement. Grogar helped me set the circle up, of course, but creating the Homunculus was all up to me. I was assured over and over that whatever I lost could be replaced, and with that in mind, I sliced my palms and activated the Alchemical Circle.

As luck would have it, I got to lose my dominant arm. Fuckin’ lovely. In exchange, however, I learned how to transmute from a distance via a little Rune Circle. The bitch of the situation was finding out what to do with my non-arm since I considered it a valuable part of stress relief and back-rubs. Whatever was a Blood Magic using Thrall to do? Who better to answer that question than one of the oldest beings on the planet? The moment I stepped away from the One Truth, Grogar jammed a piece of wood into my exposed shoulder-socket like an asshole, but that wasn’t the suckiest part. No, there were Magic nails made of Conduce Crystal, Blood Emerald, and Bane Steel in the wood, and when Grogar ever so kindly fucked my arm-hole with the glorified two-by-four, the nails sank further into the wood before sinking into me.

The end result was a pretty, flesh-like wooden arm that had a nice polish to it, but I made sure Grogar was well aware of the fact that I’d be replacing it with something even better when I had time to get into my shop. The way the crystals, gems, and steel all showed their colors in my arm was nice, but I was kinda salty that all I’d gotten from losing my arm was the ability to snap at a nonliving thing and alter it slightly. Grogar encouraged me to try doing more stuff with the Transmutation Circle I had, so I carved it into the back of my new right hand and found that I could alter a weapon mid-swing if I really wanted to. It wouldn’t serve me much good while in his pocket dimension, but at least it was a handy thing to have. It also boosted the range of my ‘Fling’, as I decided to name it, but not the speed at which I could transmute something.

The next big thing I wanted to learn about was Umbral Manipulation, but Grogar told me to go find some guy named Stygian if I really wanted to work with shadows like that. Instead, he taught me some bits and pieces about Necromancy, like how to talk to the dead, which I could already do by looking into the Ether. I did have him teach me how to do the trick with the lights though, so that was pretty cool. After a few weeks of learning and burning the candle at both ends, Grogar admitted that I should probably attend to my worldly matters while they still mattered to me and I found that ominous, but that’s probably because I was working with dark shit that made a habit of fucking people up when they weren’t careful with it.

Instead of being dragged into another briefcase, Grogar had me go down a fucking slide to get back to reality, which was like, fun and all, but I felt like a jackass for sliding down a playground toy-thing. I slid out of the briefcase feet first, which made my landing awkward as fuck because I’d had the thing on a table before I’d been dragged in. When I say awkward, I mean I landed in a heap on the floor and had to pick myself up and dust myself off. My left eye tingled as I saw through to the Nether and looked at the Heartless that wandered around my shop, and a few of the hideous bastards looked right back at me. I made three hand gestures; a gun-like gesture, the Spiderman thing, and I finished by pointing straight up with my right index finger, my thumb pressed firmly against the base of the longer digit. The one I was looking for, the one I’d summoned in Grogar’s BriefcaseLand Adventure, shuffled forward through the crowd.

Master and Servant met for the first time, so in my darkened shop, I took off my shades so I could fully inspect the being I’d lent a piece of my soul to. Instead of being a hideous, red-skinned humanoid thing that looked like it severely needed beeswax and Carmex on its entire body like most of the Demons that were milling about, my Familiar turned out to be a hulking green orc-like being, its body crossed with razor-wire. The Heartless one had a fuckin’ stalagmite made of sulfur in one eye, but the parts of it that were covered in bloody animal hides at least looked well protected. I thought it was a male, but the Heartless didn’t always represent what they looked like since they never stay in one place very long, but this particular legitimate literal fuckin’ Demon from ‘H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks’ just so happened to have a name, so I was pretty sure it was a male.

“Okthus.” I said authoritatively.

His lip curled. “You. Mom-my. Smell.”

“Yeah, Max and I are friends.”
Okthus the Bastard bore his tusks at me. “Okthus rape soul!”

I smirked and reached into my overcoat. What, you think I wore the same clothes for weeks at a time while losing limbs and doing Devil shit? Nah, I was lookin’ spiffy as the fuck in some modernized Mage robes, decked out in maroon since I kinda had a theme going on, and the flask I pulled out of my black coat was stoppered by maroon-dyed cork. Call me obsessive.

“Do you know what this is, Buddy?” I asked, knowing Max’s disowned piece of filth was too dumb to see it for what it was. “This is your soul, and your Anima. Do you know what that means, Buddy?”

Okthus growled. “Kill you, be free!”

“Kill me, go straight back to Smileton.” I said with a winsome smile.

He fell to his knees and prostrated. “Okthus sorry! Okthus beg!”

“Okthus forgiven.” I replied as patronizingly as I could. “Now you know you’re being released from Hell Duty for the sole purpose of serving me, right?” He nodded, his head tapping the ground as he did so. “Alright, here’s the first thing I need you to do: I want you to go to Mammon and get me an audience with him. If he won’t play ball, then go to Belphegor and try with him. If neither of them work… Well, if things go good, you’ll at least die quickly and never have to worry about suffering again.”

He sat back on his heels but the mother fucker was still taller than me by at least three feet. “Okthus follow orders good. Okthus come back soon.”

“Great. Don’t bug me if I’m around a yellow Pony, alright?”

“Okthus underknow.” He grunted.

“Imma assume that means we’re clear, so go do the things please.”

He nodded and wandered away, so I scratched my chin and tried to think of what I should’ve been doing all along until I remembered that I had to go back to Fluttershy. Then I remembered that I had a fake arm, a benevolently cursed eye, Demons that actually came from Hell, not Tartarus, dogging my heels, and more than a few dark tricks up my sleeves. However, on the plus side, I could totally tell her about my new Rune Cipher and she’d probably ignore it and ask me what happened to Ol’ Righty, but I could deal with it for the time being. Either way, I figured I’d just go on home and face the music since Fluttershy was probably awake by then, but as I walked, I wondered what the FUCK I’d been thinking. It suddenly hit me that I’d delved deeper into Black Magic than I’d ever intended to go. I’d been amassing power, acting according to some admittedly well thought-out plan to start the largest Coven in Equestria. I’d sacrificed my arm, a piece of my soul, a bit of my Humanity, and probably more that I’d just casually thrown away in the pursuit of power.

I’ve never really been addicted to anything. Coffee, maybe. I like weed, but I can go without it. Never did like tobacco that much. Thought I had a penchant for power back when I was younger and wanted to join a big set, but that wasn’t the real shit. What Shade Rose showed me? That was a taste. What Grogar fed me spoonful by spoonful was enough, but in the core of my being I wanted more, which is why I nearly went after Cain and tried to harness his ridiculously evil, immensely deep wells of power. Prolly almost destroyed Equestria since I would have tried to do it without Teacher Man, but let’s just forget about the near collapse of the entire free world and move onto me getting tackled out of reality by my favourite Pinkie Pie.

I was a little less sure of that when she started hitting me. “Are! You! Done! Being! Dumb! Yet!?” She ask, whacking me pretty hard.

“Ow-ow-ow-stop-stop-stop!” I replied bravely.

“That’s! Not! An! An-swer! Butt! Head!”

“I’m done, I’m done! No more Black Magic!”

She kept hitting me. “No! More! Cutting! Stuff! Off!”

“I get it, alright!?”

Hug Bunny stopped hitting me and took shaky breaths. “Is it just the Y Chromosome that makes insane guys do evil shit!? There’s an entire Collective of insane women who do nothing but make people smile, but insane guys commit genocide throughout history!”

“Skip the sexist lecture and get off, fat ass!”

She sat on me and I wasn’t exactly pissed about it. Hug Bunny had fuckin’ curves. “That was mean!”

“Can’t breathe.”

She scooted back to sit on my hips and sat right on my dick, making eye contact as she did so. “Jay, I’m glad you snapped out of it before you got any deeper into it, but why would you let it get so far in the first place? You’re moving the timeline up too fast.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s just confusing! The prep phase slipped into the rising action and I didn’t know what to do, so I went with it!” I said, freaking out a little bit.

Pinkie slapped my shit before I could fully panic. “Hey! I need you to think your way out of this, Jay. I know you can do it, but you have to actually do something, right? “

I held my cheek and took a deep breath. “I can tell Fluttershy that I’ve been learning Blood Magic and ask her forgiveness or I can tell her that I traded my arm for more time with her, which is technically true. I could sugarcoat the fuck out of it or be real.”

“What do you think Fluttershy would appreciate more?” Pinkie asked curiously, like she
wasn’t really involved.

“The sugar-coating followed by the heavy news, then followed by a Pinkie Promise with both pinkies to only go looking for more strength with her blessing.” I blinked. “... And I guess I could do a little sum-sum with a nice chain and a bracelet… Hmm…”

“You’re going to let Fluttershy weigh in on your use of Black Magicks?” Pinkie asked. “You’ll never get to use it.”

“That’s not what the jewelry is for. The chain is to keep me honest with her and the bracelet is to let her know what kind of Magic I’m using. Trust me, it’s fuckin’ brilliant!” I gave Pinklie a big smile.

“... You’re sacrificing your privacy to assure her that you’re being good?” Pinkie asked.

“If it makes Fluttershy feel better, then it’ll make me feel better about screwing the pooch so bad.” I nodded sharply.

Pinkie raised a brow and gave me a scrutinous look. “You’re not doing this just to assuage your guilt, are you?”

I raised my own brow. “I love Fluttershy and I want to give her assurances that I’m not going to keep making the same mistake, so no.”

She nodded sharply. “Good! I’d pummel ya some more until you did what you honestly thought would make Fluttershy happy!”

I gave her a look. “You just wanna beat up a black guy.”

“You’re only half black.”

“You’re only half sane!” I shot back, sticking my tongue out.

“That’s still more sane than you, Butthead!” Pinkie countered haughtily.

“Yeah, but my pussy’s softer.” I scoffed.

“My dick is longer!”

“My tits are bigger!”

“My balls are heavier!”

“My eggs are more fertile!”

Pinkie giggled. “My sperm swims straighter!”

I smirked at her. “I taste better.”

She frowned. “That’s not fair. You get to taste like caramel!”
“Perks of being swagical.” I shrugged. “I’m off to face the music. Do you wanna tag along?”

Pinkie gave me a sad smile. “You know I’m not even supposed to be talking to you, right? You’re supposed to be going to the Equis Pinkie for guidance.”

I gave her a warm smile in turn. “Does that mean you’re not gonna visit anymore?”

“I’ll still keep in touch.” She said softly.

The weight of her words struck me. “... This is the last time I’ll see you, isn’t it?”

Pinkie gave me a tight, vapory smile that seemed like it would fade in the slightest breeze. “I can’t hide it any longer, Jay. Tartarus, I think I might have got caught this time.”

I nodded slowly a few times. “I’m gonna miss you, Pinks. Thank you for coming when you could.”

She raced forward and gave me a hug. “Remember to write back, okay Jay? I wanna know how you’re doing and how you’re getting along with Fluttershy and how you’re doing without Ty and how you miss your Moms and if you’re still m-missing me and if you like it on Equis and- and-” Pinkie choked up and I held her that much tighter.

“I’ll never forget you, Pinkie Pie. In my entire life, there’s never been someone who’s been so consistently there for me when I needed them most. You’ve saved my life, you did your best to save my brother, and you’ve tried your damnedest to keep me on a decent path. I owe you more than I can repay, and if all you can ask right now is that I write you, then I’ll write millions of notes about whatever little event I think might interest you. Or bore you to tears. Anything to keep in touch with one of the most-”

Pinkie let me go and cupped my face. “Jameson.”

I held her hips. “Pinkamena.”

“Stop me now before we both regret it.”

“You’ve been my best friend since I met you on Arkaid. Even Max couldn’t convince me not to do this.”

That was all Pinkie needed to hear before she drew me closer, the moment lasting as long as we needed it to until our lips met. I don’t know how long the kiss was, but I do know that I opened my eyes to find that I was sitting in my shop with the familiar weight of loss on my heart. I took a deep breath, air whistling through holes on the inside. I exhaled and it felt like the holes grew just a little larger, but I compartmentalized as I always do and exited my shop, tears I didn’t want to shed streaming down my face while I appeared to be fine other than for the crying. A few people asked me if I was okay as I walked along back to Fluttershy’s house, but I honestly didn’t have much of an answer. I knew that I felt like I was slowly losing everything that mattered to me, sanity included, and the more I tried to avoid the dark thoughts, the more they came to prey on my mind.

I was pretty much just lurking through the shadows as I passed through town since I’d left my glasses in the shop. My left eye was the only one I could see out of, and luckily Ponyville wasn’t exactly a hotspot for Nether activity, otherwise I might have seen a lot more rape and torture than I’d have cared to at the moment. I did see someone get flagellated for a little while so that was bad, but I wasn’t blind by the time I got to Fluttershy’s, and that was nice. It didn’t really matter to me all that much since I’d just lost one of the nicest people I’d ever met in my life, but I still had Fluttershy to lean on for the time being. However, I didn’t want to lean on her when I got inside and instead settled for lying down on the cold stone hearth and just trying to deal with it for a little while.

Shit still sucked.

✧❖☬❖✧

“Garrison?” Celestia asked softly, light spilling into my room.

It had to be somewhere in the wee hours of the morning since I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. Ever since Celestia brought me to her castle, I’d been on edge and more than a little jumpy. However, I felt more than a little justified since getting a personal wakeup call from a Princess was quite unusual. “Heya.”

“Ah, the ever lovely morning grunt.” Celestia chuckled. “Come along, Garrison. We have a day to begin, you know.”

I didn’t answer her and instead chose to roll in a direction until I fell out of the bed. With my plan going exactly how I wanted it to, I pushed myself up to my feet, threw the blankets I’d taken with me onto the floor onto the bed, and started stretching. “Bwaaah!”

Celestia gave me an amused look. “Do you require help getting changed, or are you a big boy now?”

I gave her a look. “I only need help with pee-pee time and three syllable words, thank you very much.”

She giggled at that. “You pronounced ‘syllable’ quite well for needing help with words that long.”

“Well, how else am I supposed to tell people what I have trouble with if I can’t say what it is?”

“You could always write it down.” Celestia countered airily.

“I only re-learned the language not too long ago. I think I’d butcher the spelling pretty badly.”

“Pure hyperbole. Now get prepared and meet me in the Dining Hall when you’re finished for breakfast. We’ll first gauge your skills and then we’ll see about scouting for possible partners for you to work with in Minosia since our plans fell through last night.”

“Sweet. I’ll be sure to bathe, as you requested.”

Celestia gave me a look and pointed at me. “Wash behind your ears, young man!”

“You wash ‘em! In fact, why don’t you hop in the tub too? I’m sure you’re smelly. You look smelly.” I said disdainfully.

She gave me a more womanly look. “I bathed before I came here, unlike some people who haven’t bathed for a thousand years.”

I shrugged. “What can ya do?”

“Take a bath, you hooligan.” She scoffed.

“You’re not my real Mum! Not that I’d know, but still!” I argued.

She pointed toward the bathroom. “Clothes, bathroom, shower! Now, Garrison!”

I pouted at her and she gave me a smug smirk. “I’m not taking a shower because you told me to, I’m doing it because I like the way water feels when it slides between my-”

“Bath.”

“Arse-cheeks.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and gave me an amused smile. “Just be sure to use the soap provided, okay? I assure you that it smells phenomenal.”

“Can I have a bite of it?”

“If you please.”

“Victus.” I started towards the wardrobe and grabbed some clothes and my armour before heading to the bathroom to do the thing with the water and the soap and the lathering, rinsing, and repeating. It was pretty good.

A cute maid met me outside of my room once I’d finished with my shower stuff and smiled. “Mr. Garrison, I presume?”

“That’d be me, Lover. And you are?”

“I’m Cheese Danish and I’m here to take you to the Dining Hall! Do you have any questions before we start our walk? Not that you can’t ask them as we go along, it’s just that I like to give ponies the option, you know?”

I tilted my head. “I’m not a Pony.”

“No, but you’re in Equestria and you have a Trial Citizenship Ring on, so you’re one of us! Just be careful not to mess up and break a law or something!”

“I hope I don’t break them by not knowing what they are.” I said idly. “I don’t believe I have any questions at the moment, other than where is the Dining Hall?”

“It’s near the center of the castle, so let’s be on our way!” Danish gave me a sweet smile and started leading the way, her tail bouncing and swaying as she went along. She didn’t have much in the way of an arse for having such nice hips, but she was definitely pleasant enough to be around for a little while without needing a distraction from her actions or words. As we strolled the halls of the castle, Danish told me about some of its history and informed me of a few interesting things happening around the palace, such as who was sleeping with who, where the best place to catch a nap un-assailed was, and when the best time was to sneak out and have a salt cube. I didn’t give a shit about when I could go get sick off of salt, but I did care about Cheese Danish’s sense of duty. She was a very diligent maid and showed it by stopping to fix things unnecessarily from time to time while we were on our way, and I could appreciate that about her. I’d always liked to see work ethic in a person, seeing as how I believe that idle hands lead to an idle mind. It didn’t matter that much in the moment, but I was hoping to get to the Dining Hall without Cheese Danish asking me any particularly hard questions.

My luck held out and she didn’t ask me about anything I wasn’t willing to tell her about, though I did have to bring up the fact that I was a little more than forgetful a few times, and she doubted that I was over a thousand years old. She could believe whatever she wanted, but I knew that my time spent in Hell was well worth the trip, even if I’d forgotten about a lot of things, if not just about everything. It would be all well and good whenever it decided to sort itself out, but for the time being, I just wanted to get a meal, though I doubted that Hellbeast hearts would be on the menu. Much to my chagrin, there were no hearts on the table when I entered the room, and there was a blue person giving me the Evil Eye from the other end of the table. I didn’t like that look very much, so I looked around for Celestia and found her shortly after searching for her in the first place.

After taking a seat a decent distance away from her, I asked, “So how’s the morning treating you so far, Your Majesty?”

“It’s going well, and I see that you’ve decided to make your bath quick.” She said, narrowing her eyes at me.

“I smell fantastic.” I nodded a few times, still able to smell the soap on my skin.

Celestia gave me a look. “You know that ten minutes for a shower is paltry, right? And you didn’t even comb your mane! It’s going to be a mess if you don’t do it while it’s still damp!”

I blinked at her.

“... You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” She asked.

“Nope.”

“That’s what I though. Come here, Garrison.” She magicked a thing with a lot of prongs in a row on it into her hand.

“Sister, let the urchin groom himself.” The blue one said irritably.

Celestia gave her a look. “Garrison has a name and I doubt that he’d know what to do with a comb at the moment, Luna. Eat your breakfast in peace.”

‘Luna’ rolled her eyes and started slicing into a piece of fruit while Celestia beckoned me over once more with a smile and a patient look. I considered not going over there since her comb looked like it might hurt, and I didn’t know what a mane was, so I didn’t want her to randomly poke me with the thing. I also wasn’t too fond of the idea of not getting food, but Celestia had been nothing but nice to me, so I figured that whatever she had in mind wouldn’t be too bad. I got up and walked over to her before she gesture for me to kneel, so I did and she immediately started making her ‘comb’ go through my tangled, knotted hair. After a few minutes (And a snagged comb), Celestia just cast a spell on my ‘mane’ and made it loosen and unfurl. It went past my shoulders after her spell, and my face-mane went down to my solar plexus.

“Well.” Celestia said, her brows raised. “Can you cut the fur of of your face without actually cutting yourself?”

“Probably. I dunno.”

Celestia’s forehead gem lit up and she cast another spell, most of the fur on my face falling off all at once. One snap of her fingers later and the hair was gone. “Well, now you don’t have to know. I think we can have breakfast now that you’re a little more presentable.”

I shrugged and walked back over to where I’d been sitting and started filling my plate with brown things that looked tasty and multi-coloured things that also looked tasty. I didn’t know how I was supposed to eat the brown things, so I just pulled them apart to see what was inside. It struck me that I was probably playing with ‘bread’, so I started putting the morsels in my mouth, and much to my surprise it wasn’t actually all that good. I was expecting my first real meal in a millenium to taste like a mouth orgasm, but I was a little let down by the spread that was available. The only thing I took particular interest in were these little red berries that often came in pairs and had seeds in the middle of them. They were the perfect mixture of tart and sweet, and I can’t say that I would have left any behind if Celestia hadn’t said that we needed to get to the Rangers’ Quarters.

We chatted about stuff as we walked, but something about Celestia made me doubt that she was being nice to me out of her own accord. I felt like she was gaining something by keeping me in a good mood for the time being, but I was pretty sure that she just really wanted me to go to Minosia and start killing people or something to sate her sadistic desires. She could have been a madwoman for all I knew, but then again she could have been Dissida’s sister and I wouldn’t have remembered whether or not they were related. Either way, whether Celestia was to be trusted or not, the only way I was going to find out what I’d been doing previously on Equis was to stay with her and do as she asked for the time being. Besides, assassinating someone didn’t seem like that hard a task to me since I was pretty sure that I’d done it before. As long as it was at least a little like hunting, I could probably pull it off without too many problems.

Celestia eventually brought me to a corridor with few torches and a lot of people wearing mottled cloaks that seemed to shimmer and fade walking about. Looking at the people too long usually made me want to look at someone else, so I let my gaze slide around as it pleased until it found itself on Celestia’s tail, which was flowing gently in a breeze I didn’t think I was making. To counteract her tail because it wasn’t blowing the way I’d expected it to be blowing, I forced a breeze into the hall and let it make Celestia’s tail swirl and cloaks billow in the wind. A lot of people stopped and started looking around, but Celestia paid them no mind, instead giving me a mildly amused look over her shoulder.

“I wonder where all this wind is coming from.” She murmured playfully.

I tilted my head at her. “Is Wind Magic common?”

“Few people are strong enough to do more than blow very hard. Enough to make a bale of hay topple over, but little else. Actively controlling the wind might be more commonly known of than the Wind Breath technique, but there are fewer people who could actually do it without murmuring an incantation.”

“Does that mean I get a sweet for being excellent?”

“It doesn’t mean anything other than that you have natural talent. A talent that can be honed, I assure you.” She said, still walking along.

Celestia suddenly turned down a hall and stopped at the first door on the left, knocking on it sharply three times before looking toward me. I was within arm’s reach since I hadn’t been expecting her to stop so soon, so I took a half-step back and raised a brow. “Did the door hurt your feelings?”

“No. What makes you ask that?”

“You hit him rather hard.”

She rolled her eyes. “Wood is thicker than fur. It’s harder to hurt wood than you or me.”

“Did you ask Mr. Door that before you started hitting him?” I asked, setting my hands on my hips.

“As a matter of fact, I asked Mr. Door just this morning about the strength of my knocks and he actually asked that I kick him from time to time.”

“And you would be an enabler to such masochistic deviancy?”

She gave me a womanly look I remembered well from my days with Dissida. “You have a comeback for everything, don’t you?”

I smiled at her. “It might not be the correct answer, but an answer it is.”

Celestia rolled her eyes again and opened the door, walking in. I began to follow before it shut, thus leaving me to relax on a wall for a while. I dozed off and on for a bit until Celestia shook me awake, making me smack my lips to get my jaw working again. “Heya.”

“I see you can sleep just about anywhere.” She commented playfully.

“I sleep, I walk. I sleep, I walk. Let’s walk.”

“Let’s get you acquainted with you new boss, shall we?”

“Sounds like a thing we could do, yeah.” I replied. “Is the boss person in the door?”

“No, he’s in the room behind the door.”

“I’ll pinch your clitoris.”

Celestia stared at me. “... That was on add turn. Erm, an odd turn, I should say.”

I nodded and walked around her to open the door to reveal a vividly yellow fellow that seemed to be a little over middle age sitting behind a desk. He gave me a half smile and waved me in. “Just gonna wait all day, kid?”

I smirked at him and walked in before hard-stopping on my left foot. “Tricky bastard, aren’t you?”

He looked over his desk to see that I was teasing the tripwire with my right foot. “Ah, so you’re not gonna die right away. You have promise.”

“Traps are common in your line of work?”

“More common than in most, I’ll say that much.” He replied drily. “So, Garrison. How does it feel to be freshly drafted into the Ranger Corps for one mission?”

“Feels like I want to shoot the guy I have to shoot so I can take a nice nap.” I answered flippantly.

“Killing makes you feel nothing?”

“I’ve spent a thousand years in the afterlife hunting beasts that would tear you apart limb from limb, day after day, never ceasing until they found you after you came back to life. I’ve died enough that killing someone once doesn’t amount to much.”

The Yellow Fellow blinked slowly. “... Right. How are you with a bow?”

“I’m better with a crossbow.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I’m even better with a pistol.”

“Again, that’s not what I asked.” He said flatly.

I shrugged. “I can hit a target from a decent enough distance.”

“So can most fillies and colts. What I need to know is the range and accuracy.”

I pointed at myself. “The last time I shot a bow was over three hundred years ago. I don’t know.”
“So you’re sticking to this ‘Thousand years old’ story?” He asked dubiously.

“We could check his memories to see if they correlate with what he’s saying.” Celestia said from behind me.

The Head Ranger guy nodded. “We could do that, or we could ignore it and put a bow in his hands to see if he’s actually worth a damn. I trust your word, Princess, but you haven’t said anything about whether or not this guy is actually capable of doing basic Ranger duties.”

“Put him through a trial.” Celestia said simply. “If he passes, then he moves onto the Minosia mission. If he fails, then I’ll take care of him from there. Sound like a plan?”

“By your orders, Princess.” He said, inclining his head.

Celestia nodded sharply. “Garrison, don’t hurt anyone for silly reasons. Or crash through anymore windows.”

“You’re leaving?” I asked.

“I do have a country to run, after all. I’m sure you understand.”

I shrugged. “You could always leave it to rot and ruin for a week long adventure in fun, Sun, and sand somewhere. That sounds nice to me, at least.”

“You aren’t a Princess.” Celestia huffed. “What sounds nice to you might not sound nice to me, but that does sound nice to me, so stop mentioning it. Work is even more tedious when your head is filled with thoughts of places you’d rather be.”

“Oh well. Have fun with your business.”

She gave me a flat look. “I won’t. Butthead.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “... I feel like I’ve heard that a lot.”

“You probably have with the way you talk to the Princess.” The Ranger guy said edgily.

“He has nearly no memories of what civilization is like, Desert Horizon. It’s unrealistic of you to expect him to know how to treat royalty, and I for one find it a little refreshing and even more amusing to see a creature that doesn’t actually know why he has to be good, but still stays on his best behavior. It’s simply interesting.” Celestia said cheerfully

“You make me sound like a bit of a naughty pet.” I said irritably.

“You’re more like a senile child.” She replied.

“Bite me, pup.”

“You mean ‘foal’, and I’m older than you, even if you are a thousand years old. Respect your elders.”

I pointed at Desert Horizon. “Make him respect his elders and I’ll consider it.”

“The elder you’re telling him to respect is half senile and half apathetic.”

“Yeah, so?”

They both gave me looks, but I just smiled. “What? Did you expect a senile man to give a damn?”

“Case in point.” Celestia said flatly.

Desert got a chuckle out of it. “I’ll take him on, Your Majesty, but I want Flash Frost to train him.”

“Flash Frost? He’s one of your Wyrms, isn’t he?”

“He sure is, Your Majesty.”

“... I remember hearing about Flash Frost, and I don’t believe much of it was good.” Celestia said dubiously.

“He’s a little harsh, but he’s a great Ranger. I think he’ll really get a kick out of our fella here.” Desert said with a devious smile.

The Princess sighed. “I want you to keep Garrison relatively safe, Horizon.”

“He’ll be fine, Your Majesty. Just leave it to me.” He tapped his chest twice.

“He’d better be.” She replied warningly. “Garrison?”

“Yes, Princess?”

“Do try to succeed. I know that I’m throwing you into the middle of things without a break for water, but I know someone who knew you well, and she said that Garrison Varas was anything other than an underachiever.”

“Just to be clear, you’ll help me remember more about Equis if I go do the thing in Minosia for you, no?” I asked.

Celestia gave me an odd look. “I would do it if you bothered to ask, no favour required.”

“Ah. Would you mind restoring my memory?”

“I wouldn’t, but you didn’t say please, so now you have to go to Minosia and ‘Do the thing.’.” She replied, adding heavy air quotes.

“Beaver house.” I muttered.

“Beaver- Oh. Clever.” Celestia complimented.

“I don’t get it.” Desert said plainly.

“Dam.”

“... That was pretty clever.” He nodded. “I think Flash Frost’s gonna like you.”

“If I have to shoot him, am I going to be arrested?” I inquired for future knowledge.

“Yes, but if you prove that it was reasonable self-defense, then you won’t be arrested for very long.” Celestia reassured me.

“You’d be hard-pressed to nail him anyway. The Wyrm’s faster than you’d expect.” Desert said, doubting me and my abilities.

I nodded. “I’ve been underestimated before. The last thirty things that underestimated me were killed and had their tasty, tasty hearts eaten.” I thumbed my lower lip, salivating heavily as I remembered the flavour of Hellcat heart.

Desert and Celestia both started at me. “... You ate their hearts?” Celestia asked.

I looked at her calmly. “They ate me too, I just got the last bite.”

“... You’re going to have to explain that, Garrison. You’ve mentioned it before, but something tells me that you’re not exaggerating.”

I nodded. “For about three or four hundred years there were Hellhounds that would chase me down and eat me. Then I learned how to fight them and started taking more and more of them with me whenever they hunted me down. It took some time, but I eventually managed to clear an entire pack without taking heavy damage. After that, I earned The Grey’s respect and got an audience with Dissida, the Goddess of Hell, or like the Empress of Equis, to give an example. I seduced and kinda-sorta sexually assaulted her into being my slave slash Matron for the next thousand years, but I’m pretty sure she’s going to keep me around after I die for good so we can go back to killing things and having gentle lovings. We never actually went hunting together, but we did kill stuff.” I thought of a particularly fun instance and chuckled. “Oh yeah, you can drown a person with two waterskins and a wet cloth.”

Celestia stared at me and Desert Horizon cleared his throat. “... So you’re well versed in the art of straight up homicide.”

“I dabble.” I admitted modestly.

“It sounds like you do a lot more than just ‘dabble’.” The Princess said tonelessly.

I shrugged. “Dabble, excell; they’re both descriptors that I haven’t had to use in a few hundred years. Either way, can I go take that test so I can sleep now?”

“For now I’m going to get a Senior Ranger to oversee your aptitude test, then we’ll talk about getting you on a trial mission.” Desert said authoritatively.

“Sounds like I won’t be sleeping for awhile longer.” I sighed.

“You just woke up not even two hours ago.” Celestia commented.

“I stayed awake for centuries at a time in The Grey. I also slept for a century at a time, and I’m pretty sure this is one of those centuries that I just wanna sleep in.” I said lackadaisically.

She rolled her eyes. “Like I said earlier: Try to pass these tests. It’s very important that you assist me with the task in Minosia.”

“Am I very important?”

“If you’re a Ranger, you’re expendable.” Desert answered like he was quoting a book.

Celestia gave him a dark look. “Nopony is expendable, Desert Horizon.”

He nodded. “Nopony is expendable.”

I caught his emphasis and so did Celestia, but she actually approved of the fellow’s racism, which both confused and bothered me quite a bit for the simple fact that she’d said that she wanted him to keep me alive, but she was letting the fellow get away with obvious racism. It didn’t really make much sense to me, but I didn’t get paid for things to make sense to me, so I just resolved to kill Desert if he ever came to be a problem. I doubted that I could easily kill Celestia, so when she left and Desert lead me to the Ranger Corps training ground, I started thinking of ways that I could possibly end her without getting caught outright or being the first person under suspicion. I wondered how many people knew that I had Wind Magic, but I threw away my treasonous thoughts when Desert put a bow in my hands.

It took a few shots to get a feel for the weapon, but after three shots to test the draw weight and accuracy, I managed to start landing hits on target, and by the time I’d gotten my seventh shot off, I’d managed to start up a decent hot streak with all of my arrows landing in the centermost circle of the target. Desert nodded along while I sent all the arrows he’d given me downrange one after the other, going faster as I went along since I just wanted to empty the quiver and be done with that portion of the test. Once all my arrows were gone, Desert and I took stock of my damage and saw that I’d put a few arrows on top of each other, but other than that, most of them landed within the innermost circles.

“Little rusty and you could use a little extra speed on your nock-and-draw, but other than that, you’re a damn fine shot, Garrison.” Desert complimented begrudgingly.

I nodded. “I’m a better shot with my own bow, and I’m way better with a crossbow anyway.”

He smirked. “You’ll have to find time to grab your stuff and show me what you’re working with. I’m sure a few off duty Rangers wouldn’t mind testing their mettle against a new face.”

“Well, I can show you both right now if you’d like.”

Desert gave me a once over followed by a confused look. “Even if you were using a shortbow with a great draw, it wouldn’t be invisible.”

I extended my left hand and opened it, forming my Air Bow in a few seconds. “I don’t use wood, I use wind.”

“... Hot shit. Does that actually do damage?”

“Let’s clear the target and find out, shall we?” I proposed.

He didn’t waste any time and immediately started pulling arrows out of their temporary homes, handing them off to me to be shoved back into the quiver. Once the arrows were all freed, picked up, or thrown away, Desert brought me back to the target. “Alright, Blowhard, let’s see where this takes us.”

I gave him a look. “Blowhard?”

“Do you know what it means?”

“I’ll send you into the sky for an hour. I’m capable of doing that.” I think.

He rolled his eyes. “Shoot the hay, dammit.”

I rolled my eyes in turn and summoned the Air Bow and an arrow, prepping for the launch portion of the process by imagining the arrow as a cone of weightless metal, ready to piece the heavens, but instead of aiming on the vertical ‘Y’ axis, I did the ‘X’ axis thing and let my arrow fly at the target. When I let the wind blow, shall we say, it took a moment for the arrow to actually take flight, but when it did, it whipped up dust and ripped grass out of the earth as it flew to the target before piercing straight through it and impacting a wall quite some distance behind it. I blinked a few times and took a few steps to the left of the target so I could see where I’d hit the wall, and surely enough, there was a dark gouge in the stone some distance away.

“Well then. Didn’t expect that to happen.” I said lazily, looking back to Desert.

He stared at the target. “... Beaver House.”

“I know, right? What’s the next test?” I asked.

“... I’m gonna get Flash Frost to finish up your assessment. Wait here.”

“Can I sleep in the target if I push it over?”

Desert Horizon gave me the blankest look I’d gotten since I’d asked Mark how Hellhounds reproduced. “If you really buckin’ wanna sleep, don’t be here when I get back. I won’t say anything to the Princess if you want to wait until tomorrow to finish this stuff up.”

I sighed. “If I slack today, I have to do stuff tomorrow. I’d rather just do everything today so I can sleep all day tomorrow.”

Desert shook his head. “The crazy ones are always the strongest.” He muttered darkly.

“I’m not crazy, I’m senile. If I was young I’d be crazy, but I haven’t been young since I was thirteen.”

“I’m not even gonna ask, Garrison. Flash will be here soon enough, so don’t doze off.”

“I’ll be awake when he gets here.” I said pleasantly.

Desert walked off without saying goodbye and I was a little miffed at that. I thought he was being more than a bit rude at that point since I’d just showed him my super-special, super-secret surprise, but I decided to not shoot him in the back and instead summoned my Wind Wings and launched myself into the air for a few minutes of unrestricted freedom. Flying was the most magical thing I’d experienced since I’d actually learned about Magic, and seeing the world from so high in the sky made me feel like nothing else in the world, though I knew that there was another thing that used to give me a similar feeling. At the time, I couldn’t remember what it was, but the more I thought about it while climbing through the thinnest layers of air into the coldest heights of the sky, the more I became certain that it used to be a who, not a what. I suppose you could technically call a person a thing, but that’s even more rude than walking away without saying goodbye, so I’m not going to do that.

After I’d had my fun in the sky, I let myself free-fall back to Equis for a while, letting the wind slow my descent ever so slightly while I plummeted toward the ground at about half the speed I usually took off at. However, since I wasn’t flapping my nearly invisible wings or making any sort of move to save myself in any manner of speaking, I got tackled out of my descent by a well-meaning Pegasus who nearly got punched for messing with my Heppy-Heppy Fun-Smile Time in the skies above the clouds. The Pegasus managed to slam me into a decently large loud that was rather pleasant to land on, though I was a little irritated to say the most. By that I do mean that I wasn’t really all that upset.

The flying tackler of innocent people apparently thought it was a good time to untackle me and disentangle themselves from my person, which is when I saw that the person who tackled me just so happened to be a Mare with blonde coat and a tri-toned blue mane that looked quite fetching with the windswept look. My ‘savior’ had a medium build for a woman, if not leaning more toward the heavy side for what I remembered about things that flew with normal wings, though that’s not saying much. When I’d been so lovingly grappled out of the sky, I hadn’t been paying attention to the indubitable softness of the woman in front of me, but now that she was resting on my thighs, giving me a concerned, worried look, I couldn’t help but notice that her bum was quite soft.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay!?” She asked frantically. “Did somepony fly you up to the stratosphere and just drop you or something!?”

I propped myself up on my elbows and blew some hair out of my face. “Not quite. I was having a bit of fun, faffing about with some Wind Magic. I was perfectly safe, but thank you for trying to save me.”

She blinked thrice in quick succession. “... I guess you’d be falling through the cloud if you didn’t have some kinda Wind Magic, huh?”

“I wouldn’t know, but I’m guessing that the only things that can land on clouds are creatures like us.”

“Pegasi, Griffins, Frost Dragons, and Wind Mages are the only ones who can get up this high without a flying machine of some kind, but I’m more worried about being so sorry for tackling you!” She got off of me and offered me a hand up.

I took it and gave her a little smile. “All’s forgiven, Lover. I’d like to get acquainted a little better, but I have a Ranger to see about a test of some kind, so I’ll have to hope to see you again.”

The Mare gave me an apologetic smile. “Again, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, but if you’d like to give me the chance to actually do something toward making it up to you, I know this Turkine place that serves the best bacon you’ve ever had.” She let her brows bounce a few times. “All Stallions love bacon, right?”

“I’m too old to remember what it is, but it sounds tasty. I don’t know when I’ll be done with my testing and whatnot, but my name is Garrison if you need to find me and I’m not falling out of the sky.”

She blushed and giggled. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Garrison. I’m Sunshower, by the way.”

I gave her another smile. “I was just about to ask, though I have to say that the pleasure’s mostly mine. After all, I wasn’t afraid of anyone falling at the ground and not missing the target three minutes ago.”

Sunshower giggled some more and gave me a lovely smile that made me remember that Dissida was actually fucking hideous. “I don’t know about that, Mr. Garrison. I’m not sure if I know too many ponies who’d be happy to be tackled out of a dive.”

“For one, I’m not a Pony. Two, I wasn’t diving, I was falling with poise and grace. Three, there is no three, but it will be substituted by four, which is that getting tackled wasn’t all that bad. It’s not like you’re particularly bony or sharp.” I reasoned with logical rationalities.

“Are you calling me fat?” Sunshower huffed.

“If the belt doesn’t fit~” I taunted.

She whacked my arm and I gave her a shit-eating grin while she said, “I am not fat, Mister!”

“I never said you were. I was just asking if your belt was functional.” I said amusedly.

Sunshower gave me a look, but she didn’t put any steel behind it. “Next time you decide to fall, maybe I won’t catch you.”

“What if I’m falling into your arms? You’d be obligated to catch me then.”

“Obligated, not duty-bound. If you fall, you fall.” She said, raising her chin and turning her head, folding her arms while giving me some playful side-eye.

“I’ll be sure to remember that if I ever see you before you see me.” I said, smirking deviously.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sunshower asked.

I shrugged. “You’ll find out.”

Before she could answer, I jumped off of the cloud and soared down to the ground where my feet met solid, shitty earth that was nowhere near as nice as the cloud. I kinda wished that I’d talked to Sunshower a little more, but I wondered if it was because she was cute or if it was because I didn’t want to do the Ranger thing. Either way, when I touched down back at the target I’d nearly annihilated, there was a tall cloaked creature that was sitting on said target, checking what appeared to be a pocket watch from time to time. As I landed, the fellow dropped his hood and I saw that it was a Draconic creature of some kind, but memories of what an Equisian Dragon was supposed to look like surfaced, and the thing in front of me most certainly wasn’t a Dragon, which meant that it had to be a Naga. However, Naga don’t have legs, and their scales tend to come in dull colors with little to no shine. However, the creature in front of me wasn’t something I’d run across before since it had multicolored scales that made it seem a little less distinguishable from dark, polished river stones. It also had a tail without spikes on it like a Naga, but its snout was squared like a Dragons, though the pointed ‘nose’ was definitely a Naga feature. I didn't think the fellow had wings since I hadn’t seen anything bulging from his cloak, which left me with three options. One was that I was dealing with a horribly maimed Dragon, and another was that I was dealing with a beautifully mutated Naga. The third option was that the two races got down and dirty and spat out the elegant looking creature in front of me, which didn’t surprise me all that much since I’d seen some Crimson Fucker and a Fear-Turkey fucking like no tomorrow in The Grey. That’s right: A Crimson Fucker fucked a Fear-Turkey in Hell, and I had the honor of watching from start to finish.

Feathers. Feathers and bloody cum everywhere.

Anyway, I waved at who I assumed to be Flash Frost and he nodded. “Garrison?”

“That’s me.” I answered.

“Someone said they saw you take off like a Pony out of Tartarus.” He scoffed. “Figured you were scared of Wyrms.”

I tilted my head at him. “Worms? I thought that was a slur for Naga.”

“No, it’s for Wyrms with a ‘Y’. My race.”

“Ah. No, I don’t really remember enough about many of the races to care about them.” I said plainly.

He blinked slowly. “So you don’t care that my parents were different races?”

“... Should I?” I asked awkwardly, giving him the oddest look I had in my arsenal.

“Why wouldn’t you?” He asked confusedly. “Hybrids are the bottom of the barrel, Guy.”

“I stopped caring about race over a thousand years ago. Other than those fucking Birre’ Schan arsewipes, anyway. Dune-digging bastards.” I spat on the ground.

“Someone doesn’t like sand.” Frost scoffed.

“Someone doesn’t think a person can get by in life without hating people because they’re different.” I snorted.

He shrugged. “Tushie. I think. I don’t know if that’s the actual word, but it’s not important. What is important is that I get this damn test over with so I can go back to banging my girlfriend.”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. When do we bang her?”

He gave me a shitty look. “Touch her and I’ll castrate you.”

“I don’t know who she is. You’d have to introduce us.”

“You’re already testing my fucking patience.” He groaned.

“It’ll get better. Let’s go take a test and see if I pass that one, no?”

He nodded and got off of the target, showing off at least six and a half feet worth of height. Dragons varied in size and weight like any other race, but most Naga tended to be tall and muscular, so I could see where the snakeman in Flash Frost showed its face. He didn’t wait for me to say anything else as he took us to a training course of some kind, but before he could say a word, I threw myself at it since it seemed like fun. There were bars that you could climb on top of and walk over if you had good enough balance, a wall that was all too easy to scale, a low net that looked like you had to crawl under it, and a few other minor challenges that didn’t end up being all that challenging. I ended up getting dirty because it was just that kind of test, but I was expecting to get some mud on me in any case, and I’d spent the better part of a thousand years covered in various types of blood, so I wasn’t exactly worried about it.

Flash Frost didn’t say anything when I came back to him after finishing the course, and that’s because he was nowhere to be seen. I scratched my head and looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be seen, which left me with a good bit of my day left to spend and nothing to spend it on. I figured I could do a little more flying, so I headed up into the clouds once more before finding a lake somewhere off in the distance. I hurtled myself towards it at a breakneck speed, charging up a coil of wind to push me off of a small cloud, but then something weird happened: I hit a wall of air that felt like cushioned bricks and nearly fell ouit of the sky, but I manage to recover and still make a dpretty speedy descent and dive into the lake I’d seen. I wondered what in the unholy name of Hell was with the invisible wall, but I figured that it’d be a problem for another day. After a good rinse or several, I flew myh way back to the skies above Canterlot and started loooking for the fluffiest clouds that I could find, searching for one that I liked and landing on it. The cloud was the most comfortable thing I’d ever laid on, and when I grabbed another cloud and pushed it over the first one for a bit of shade, I was in a state of pure bliss, and the best part was that nobody could see me as long as the clouds stayed together, and since I hadn’t given myself much room, It would be a challenge for anyone to see me.

Which is how I fell asleep over Canterlot Castle and woke up while falling in an unfamiliar part of town. The first thing I registered was the panic of not being supported anymore, and the second thing I did was open my eyes to see a darkened sky with a pale blue Moon hanging overhead. I couldn’t think straight with the adrenaline surging through my veins and the sleep fogging my mind, but luckily someone was nearby to tackle me for a second time that day, though the pure ridiculousness, the sheer astronomical odds of my actual savior and my unneeded one being one in the same threw me through a loop when Sunshower and I landed on yet another cloud, though this one hung lower in the sky than most.

“Dear Celestia, you crazy Stallion! You can’t tell me you meant to get busted out of a cloud! What would you have done if I wasn’t just getting home!? Would it like, kill you or something to be careful!?”

I blinked a few times and rubbed my cheeks. “That was a bloody fuckin’ awful nap.”
“... I might actually have to put a weighted vest on you.” Sunshower said making a face.

“You could always keep sitting on me like you are. I can’t really do much, and there’s no
steel involved this way.” I compromised.

Sunshower rolled her eyes and got off of my hips, sitting next to me. “I know you didn’t mean that in a perverted way, but I still don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

I stayed laying down because I was getting tired again with the adrenaline petering out of my system. “At least wait until you’re not tackling me as a way to say hello to start leading me on, in that case. I could use a beautiful friend to hopelessly pine after or something of the sort.” I replied casually.

She chuckled exhaustedly. “You don’t look at every angle when you speak, do you?”

“It’s a nuance I’ve forgotten over the passage of time. When you’re technically dead, you find that words matter less in general.”

“... You died?”

“I have
.”

“... You’re alive.”

“I tricked a very powerful being into resurrecting me, to make a long story very short.” I replied, making that lengthy tale into a bite-sized chunk of syllables.

“... Is that really true though?” She said doubtfully, giving me a teasing smirk.

I nodded and sat up so I could start taking my armour off. “One moment.”

“What are you doing?” Sunshower asked.

“There’s something that will prove my words, in essence.” I said, shedding my cloak, Doug, and beginning on unbuckling my cuirass.

“So you’re the type to strip on the first date?” She teased a little awkwardly.

“Well, the last relationship I entered was initiated via propositioning so I wouldn’t keep dying, so I suppose you could say that.”

“... How old did you say you were again?”

“One thousand and twenty-seven years old.” I answered automatically.

“Oh.”

“I look good for my age, don’t I?” I chuckled.

“... So… You’re not like, undead, are you?” Sunshower inquired hesitantly.

I slid my cuirass and shirt off shortly before unstrapping one of my gauntlets. Once it was off, I offered my wrist to my new friend. “Would you like to check for a pulse?”

She brushed my hand aside and put her freaky Pony ear to my chest. “Ah… Your heart sounds really strong, like it’s a bass drum or something.”

“Interesting. Maybe I was born to be a drummer?” I mused.

Sunshower rested her head against my chest for a few more moments before I started playing with one of her ears, making it flick as I drew little circles on it. “That tickles!”

“So does the fur on your ear.” I replied. “I’m just not all that ticklish.”

She pulled away and raised a brow. “Am I supposed to take that bait?”

“No, you’re supposed to be looking at my back.”

“Oh. What’s on your back?”

I turned to face the opposite direction and she gasped. “Each dark scar is for a death. Every light one for a year I lived in the grey. The pink ones are from hunting the things that used to kill me.”
“... Holy shit. H-How much did all of that hurt!?” Sunshower asked frantically.

I turned back around and started putting my stuff back on. “Being eaten was pretty bad
The first few times, but after that things got better. From that and being whacked by stuff for about five hundred years by a thing that’s too damn strong for her own good, it’s not like I couldn’t and can’t deal with little stuff like that. Stubbing my pinky toe, however, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind since we first learned of fire.”

“Okay, you’re either ridiculously tough or you’re out of your mind.” Sunshower chuckled in disbelief.

“I wouldn’t say tough so much as apathetic, but that’s enough about me. What about you? Have you died yet?”

“Uh, no. No I haven’t.” She answered. “I guess you have me beat there.”

“I wouldn’t really consider it winning.” I said, more than a little amused.

Sunshower looked like she didn’t know how to feel at the moment. “I guess you’re right.”

“Say, what colours are in your mane? I like the blues. They remind me of the sky when you fly straight up with how it darkens and lightens.”

She blushed for some reason that I didn’t get and coughed. “Well, the darkest blue is sapphire blue, the lightest is cornflower blue, and the one in the middle is royal blue. What about you? Your mane looks lovely.”

I finished with my gear before I took a lock of my hair and examined it. “I don’t know what colour I’d call it. Fossil grey, perhaps?”

“Whatever the exact name is, it looks soft. Would you mind if I…?” She asked, trailing off.

I figured that she wanted to do the obvious, so I said, “Of course, though you’ll have to answer a question for it.”

She raised a brow. “The question is?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“Ah, I’m a coordinator for the Wonderbolts. I help assign missions and occasionally plan events. Yourself?”

“I think I’m a Ranger, but I’m not entirely sure. Celestia is pushing for me to do a thing that I don’t honestly feel like doing, but there are worse ways to spend time.” I shrugged. “I don’t know how, but I do know that I have a bank account for some reason.”

“How do you have a bank account if you’re a thousand years old?” Sunshower asked suspiciously.

“The Grey doesn’t exist on Equis. It’s another plane entirely.” I explained.

“... So what? You’ve been gone for how long here?”

“I don’t know. Celestia knows me, but she won’t tell me anything about myself until after I do her favour.”

“O-kay. Okay then. I’m sure she has a good reason.”

“I’m sure she does, though I’d really just like to find a good place to sleep. Maybe I’ll take some clouds higher so no ones messes with it.” I said, giving thought to another napping spot.

Sunshower patted my leg. “Hotels have beds that don’t usually break, you know.”

“That depends on how many people are on the bed.”

She pursed her lips. “Sometimes it only takes two.”

“I’ve heard that it’s more fun with three.” I commented idly.

“So have I, but three people sleeping in the same bed sounds hot and sweaty to me.”

“Coffee!” I gasped. “I can’t believe I forgot about coffee!”

“Threesomes make you think of coffee?” Sunshaower asked amusedly.

“Hot things make me think of coffee. You make me think of blueberry hotcakes.”

She casually checked out her mane and coat. “Smartass.”

“Have you ever had blueberry hotcakes?” I asked.

I received a look for my words. “Of course I have, Goofball.”

“Then you should know full well that it was a compliment.” I chastised, wagging a finger at her.

“I’ll kick you if you try to put syrup on me.” She chuckled.

“What about honey?”

“Kinky.” She murmured to herself. Louder, she said, “Honey’s even harder to get out of your fur, Garrison.”

“Wouldn’t it just wash off with water?”

“It has to be pretty hot to get yourself unsticky.”

“I thought sticky was the result of being hot?”

She chuckled some more. “Are you thinking of tar?”

“I might be. I was wondering how they put your feathers on.”

Sunshower shook her head and laughed and looking at the Moon. “Stars above, I really should be getting home…”

“I wouldn’t hold it against you if you decided to leave.” I replied kindly.

She looked at me and gave me a little smile. “Are you sure you don’t want to make a few layers of clouds and grab some blankets from my place? A little Avain camping never hurt anypony.”

I returned her smile. “Sounds good to me.”

✯☾Ω☽✯

“You either sit your happy arse back down or I drop you.” Roxy said frostily, her fingers already a solid pale blue.

“Snow Dove, listen I-”

“Max, You’ve already got Twilight flipping out about you, and all you’re doing right now is standing around at home. You just had the biggest stroke since they first popped up, Smoky. You need to get off of your feet, put your hands in your lap, and twiddle your thumbs for a little bit while we figure out where the Hell half of your universe went. Okay?”

I started rubbing my temples. “For the love of God-”

“Sit.”

“Fuckin’ change my name to Bojack so you actually have a reason to ride my ass.” I grunted, walking over to the easy chair I’d kept for millions multiplied by millions of years to have the seat Roxy so desperately wanted me to take. “Alright. I’m sitting.”

She’d followed me over and conjured a chair of her own so she could be next to me. “Sparky, this is for your own good. You’ve had the longest of times to things your way, and now its time for Twilight and I to fix your fuck-ups, as per the usual.”

“Bite me.”

She nibbled on my neck, making me pull away and give her a look. “You told me to bite you.”

“Next time I’m dropping a hot coal down your shirt.”

“Well, ow.” Roxy huffed.

“An ice cube wouldn’t do anything.” I snorted.

“It’d make my nipple hard depending on where it went.” She countered.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, brooding for a few minutes that stretched on. “This fucking sucks.”

“I’ll say. I have to look at you while you’ve got the edgy half-silver, half-black hair going on.”

“I’d make you shut up, but I was told to sit.”

“You need time to recharge, Max. You might still be the Omnium, but you’re not as strong as you used to be right now.”

“Thanks for the reminder.” I growled.

“You’re welcome. You need someone telling you that you have officially come back to the realm of having limits that aren’t just arbitrary rules.”

I groaned. “Can I kill myself yet?”

“Nope. I wish you could.”

“Dayum.”

“Well it’s either that or the end of everything in fucking existence, Babe. You can’t honestly be blaming me here.”

“I’m not, Frosty. One for all, I suppose.” I sighed.

Roxy caressed my arm. “Garrison will pull through, Max.”

“It took me five years to gain enough firepower to take Discord down, and that was with my whole crew of insanely overpowered Alicorns. I-”

“Max, how long did it take you to start using Dark Magic?”

“Yes, ask the guy who just had the biggest stroke in recorded history about events that happened before you existed.” I deadpanned.

She coloured. “Fair enough, but a little respect goes a long way. Keep that in mind.”
I nodded and she continued. “Still, it took you about a year to actually start using Dark Magic. Garrison’s only technically been on Equus for eight months and look at what all he’s done so far! He took down the most popular choice for usurper of the Iron Crown and he’s on his way to go clear the seat, and he taught himself how to fly and shoot arrows of wind! He’s done the Hell trip and he came out of it a lot better than you did, and it’s looking like your Chosen has some possible allies in his very near future, so he’s kinda doin’ better than you at the moment.”

“Fuck off though.” I replied.

“I didn’t mean any offense, Smoky Bear.”

“Offense taken.” I rubbed my chest. “My poor feelings. How you impacted them so heavily.”

“Want a slinger?” She offered.

“Feelings healing.” I replied cheerfully.

She rolled her eyes and thus began the most holy of mouth hugs. Twilight’s tongue is still better for it, but the walls of her cheeks aren’t as noice as Roxy’s, so suck it and swallow like Twilight. Don’t be a spitter like Roxy.

Anyway, once I’d had a chance to return the favour, Roxy offered to conjure me up whatever I needed, but I just glared at her until she rolled her eyes and started throwing bouncy balls at me. We made forts and started a bouncy ball war with little shooters that would make the little buggers hurt plenty if you got hit by one. We both would have ended up with plenty of bruises if either of us could bruise anymore, but the important part was that we had fun for awhile and my mind wasn’t on my imminent death as opposed to the gentle passing into the Void as I’d been expecting. The distraction was nice, but when I accidentally hit Twilight in the back of the head with a ricochet, things went from fun to scary in zero seconds flat.

“Lovely. While I’m working my tail off, you two are screwing around shooting bouncy balls at each other.” Twilight growled.

Roxy gave her a steely look. “This is an aspect, Twilight. I’m still training both of our replacements as we speak, so maybe you’d like to get something off your chest?”

“Being Fate sucks.” Twilight snarled fiercely.

The room fell silent.

“... Twilight, I-” I started.

She glared at me with pure hatred in her eyes and I dropped the ball-shooter. I’m not even going to make a fucking joke about that because the fecal matter was so palpable. “Kaid Gadai, I have been married to you longer than most universes have existed, and through all of that, you took care of me. You looked out for me. You loved me. All this time, ever since I nearly ran into you the first time we met, I’ve known you. I’ve learned about you. I understand you. There isn’t a being in Existence that knows you better than I do, Kaid, but you don’t know me as well as I know you anymore.”

“Twilight, you’re scaring me.” Roxy said fearfully, icing up. “We both love Max, don’t we? I mean, he’s an arse sometimes, but-” Twilight stuck an open hand in her direction before closing it.

That’s how Twilight Sparkle killed my second wife. How she killed her best friend.

“Kaid. Look at me.” Twilight commanded.

I couldn’t drag my eyes away from where Roxy once stood. “... How?”

“Look. At. Me.”

I turned to her, my eyes streaming tears of liquid obsidian. “She loved you.”

There was no mercy in Twilight’s gaze. “I bet it hurts right now, but don’t worry, Max. It won’t hurt much longer.”

The room was warded by Q-b M-e D-i C-f, or in other words, a Quark-based Magically-venerated Divinity-infused Chaos-fount. In other words, I wasn’t the Maximus Omnium anymore, because that spell was supposed to be something only I could use. However, just because I recognized the spell didn’t mean I gave two shits about it. The woman I’d set my heart on marrying back when I was still semi-human was staring me down with lethality and venom in her gaze, just after she’d killed our wife, a former part of myself. If Twilight was the Maximus Omnium and she’d just killed the fourth oldest Maximus Ultima, then there were no possibilities that anything was going to stand in her way. Through the lens of Nonexistence, I saw that Twilight held enough power to do whatever the bloody fuck she wanted, and there were few groups of Gods that would be able to stop her. I personally trained the woman how to fight. I taughther my brand of creativity with Magic. I’d told her the secrets that only I was supposed to know.

She’d broken the first promise I’d ever asked her to make.

I didn’t know what to say. My soul had just been crushed to death by my heart, leaving behind a mangled corpse. “... Roxy…” I whispered.

Twilight extended her hand and prepared to snap her fingers. “Get over it. People die in worse ways every Goddamn nanosecond, so don’t you dare give two shits about whether or not she lives.”

I just shook my head.

Her gaze hardened further. “Consider this the last favour I’m ever going to do you. Think of it as payment.”

I didn’t understand. Even as I saw her middle finger slide down her thumb, I couldn’t comprehend that Twilight ‘Cherry’ Sparkle, my pretty little Pony, my heart and my world, my foundation and my love, would be the one to do me in.

… How could you? How could you do this, Cherry…? We loved y

Author's Note

Fuck me, am I right? :trollestia:

Much love to all of my readers

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Twenty: A Tall Glass Of DAMN

Chapter Twenty: A Tall Glass OF DAMN

✧❖☬❖✧

I bolted upright, the cloud beneath Sunshower and I not transferring the motion to her, leaving her asleep. Something was horribly, horribly wrong, but I had no what it was. I sat and tried to contemplate what the fuck could have made me jolt into the waking world before the Sun had even risen if it wasn’t a night terror of some kind. A deep feeling of dread and grief wracked my body, pulling me away from Canterlot. Without any other idea of what to do, I followed the tugging sensation in the air and let it guide me as I crossed over the plains beneath Canterlot’s foothills. My destination slowly became clearer and clearer as I saw a town near a dense forest, and the sight was certainly familiar. The brightly coloured building and artsy stylings of the town reminded me greatly of a place I’d been before, but I couldn’t quite place it.

I found a decent place to land in the middle of town and looked around, crossing my arms and trying to figure out what exactly I should do. The wind shifted high above me and I looked up, catching sight of a familiar set of yellow wings carrying a pretty pleasant Mare down to where I was standing. Sunshower gave me a frustrated look, her nose scrunching up in the cutest, most endearing of ways, drawing more attention to the smattering of freckles on her face. She seemed more miffed than mad, so I gave her a nod and continued looking around, essentially glaring at everything.

“You know, even if we didn’t sleep together, it’s still rude to just up and leave.” She said irritably.

I gave her a dark look and she flinched. “You can’t feel it?”

“... Feel what?” She asked hesitantly.

“The Wind. Even when it’s blowing, it’s stale.”

Sunshower too a moment to inhale through her nose and mouth. “Holy crap, how’d you just wake up and notice that?”

“I think it’s what woke me up. Ill tides are coming in, Sunshower.”

“... I wanna say that you’re like, Wyld Lyre levels of nuts, but sickly winds before dawn are a real bad omen.” She said fearfully.

I placed a hand on her arm. “We’re here for a reason, or at least I am. You can either help me find out what guided me here and why, or you can take my staff and request an audience with Celestia.”

“... If it’s all the same to you, I think the safest place for me to be right now is like, next to a guy who shoots bows at bad guys and kicks butts.” She said realistically.

That was chuckle worthy. “Ah… Do you know where we are?”

Sunshower nodded. “Yup. This is my hometown, Ponyville.”

A solid blink hit me in the face. “I’ve been here before.”

“Still having trouble with your memory?” She asked, worried.

Closing my eyes, I did as Dissida taught me when I needed to dig deeper inside of myself. Remembering every time I’d been chewed on, beaten, or hit with a ricochet until I felt adrenaline surge through my veins, clearing my mind, the memories dug themselves up through eons of boredom. “Treebrary. We need to find a library.”

“There’s only one in town, and it belongs to Princess Twilight Sparkle. Are you-”

“Twilight!” I gasped, grabbing Sunshower in the blink of an eye and taking off in just over double that amount of time. By the time Sunshower had the time to be surprised and get out of my arms, I’d located the big fuckin’ tree in the middle of town because it was a difficult task that only someone as perceptive as me could have done.

My landing was somewhere between shite and alright, but a little roll helped me negate a lot of the impact. Sunshower took her time (Relatively speaking) in getting down to ground level, but by the time she actually got her hooves on the ground, I’d already made my way into the library and started looking around. “Garrison! Garrison!” Sunshower whispered from the doorway.

“What?”

“Be quiet, foal! Are you tryin to get arrested for treason!? Or trespassing!? Treasonous trespassing!?”

I took the deepest breath I could and let it out before repeating the process, but this time instead of slurking around her house, I just yelled, “TWILIGHT!”

“Oh bucking Tartarus.” Sunshower groaned.

Scrambling could be heard from upstairs, and then a hilarious tangle of bodies fell down the stairs in a heap, Naisyn landing on Twilight’s back and looking up at me. “Gauche?”

“Hi, Naisyn.” I said casually. “How long have I been gone?”

“Spike, you scaly rectum! Get off of me!” Twilight shrieked.

“Geez, chill out.” she said, carefully getting off of her big sister.

Naisyn wasn’t fast enough for Twilight, apparently, because the significantly smaller female launched her little sister off of her back in favor of charging me and grasping me by the shoulders. “Gauche? Garrison? Is it really you?” She asked shakily, tears in her eyes.

“Gauche? I haven’t heard that name in some time.” Gauche Suede… Maybe I finally picked up some fashion sense? “I would say that you look well, but you look like you need some more sleep.”

Silence fell for a sold half-minute. “... It’s been a rough couple of months around here since you disappeared.” Naisyn murmured.

“I’m sorry to hear that, but on a related note, where can I find Ladesa? We have more business to attend to, but I have to find her first.” I said, looking between Nai and Twilight.

Twilight let her hands fall and she slowly shook her head. “You’re barely even the same person.”

“I’m over a thousand years old now, Twilight.”

“Oh. That… That would do it.”

I kissed her forehead and gave her a hug, both of which made me feel like I’d just eaten a Hellbear heart, which is to say that my gut was feeling warm, fuzzy, and relaxed. “I’ve forgotten about a lot of things, but there’s something we need to take care of after I see Ladesa. For some reason, the Wind is stale, but it’s moving just fine, so we need to find the source of this weirdness and make them stop it.”

Twilight hugged me back tightly. “Gauche, please don’t leave again.” She practically wept into my chest.

“Can I bargain for regular correspondence through letters?” That sounds like less of a hassle.

She nodded against me and I held her with a little smile on my face. “I heard your voice the most when I was in The Grey. I heard you calling for me to come back more often than anyone else, and that kept me going for hundreds of years. Thank you, Twilight.”

“I-I thought you were dead, b-but I just couldn’t l-let you be…”

“I was dead, but I’m made of tough stuff, remember?”

She recoiled and gave me a crazy look. “Wait, you were actually dead!?”

“Yup.”

“... What’s the afterlife like?”

“Hell is horrible. I’ve heard that the other afterlifes can be better or worse depending on how you lived your life, and different planets have different afterlives and whatnot. It all depends on a ridiculous number of things, so don’t worry about it too hard.” I started rocking us from side to side. “You have no idea how much it means to me to see you again, Twilight. There… There isn’t a lot I want to tell you, but there’s a lot I want to do with you.”

“Please tell me that this is still a platonic thing.” Nai said, cringing a little bit.

I chuckled and looked at Twilight who was gazing back at me with flushed cheeks and sweat on her brow. “I’ve lost two sisters far too early already. Life would be significantly more limey-timey, which is to say sour, if I lost another.”

There were three sighs of relief and another chuckle, but I don’t believe it takes a genius to figure out who was doing what. When Twilight had gotten a good rhythm going while fanning herself, she said, “You were scaring me there for a second. I thought- Two. Two sisters?”

“I wouldn’t worry about it at the moment. לבגוד ולהרוג את אחיך הוא החטא האולטימטיבי,” I sighed, scratching my ear, “and that’s unforgivable.”

“What the buck.” Sunshower said.

“Language, and what the buck kind of drugs are you on?” Twilight asked.

I raised a brow. “משהו לא בסדר? Are my pupils dilated or something?”

“You keep speaking in that odd language…” Twilight rubbed her ears.

“I’m not too fond myself.” Sunshower said bluntly, rubbing her own ears.

“It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.” Nai said quietly, her face a bright red.

“It’s cold enough outside to cool off by taking a walk.” I said helpfully.

Twilight hit me, her face nearly as red as Naisyn’s. “Gauche! Don’t ear-buck my brother! That’s like, incest!”

Sunshower hit me because she’s a follower, apparently. “Can you not get a clue, Dude?”

I rubbed both of my arms. “Fine. When the cataclysm comes that destroys the planet and leaves us all scrambling for supplies and safety comes, expect me to lock you both into a broom closet.”

Twilight glared at me. “Funny.”

“... No, there really are some pretty bad omens. Dawn should have broken by now.” Sunshower said brushing a lock of her mane from her face.

Twilight checked a clock on a wall that I hadn’t noticed, which was most likely because I wasn’t looking for the time when I was searching for the purple thing that was currently looking at the time. Isn’t it odd how some people always manage to notice something you don’t? It’s been some time since I’ve been able to cope with a fucktonne of years worth of memories, so I can tell you about a story starring a young lad whose street name at the time of the tale was Effing Cyprus, or in other words, ‘False Cyprus’. Now our lad was as skinny as his moniker would imply, but that was mostly good for the lad. He easily lost tails down narrow alleys, and if he was cornered, he could always climb up the walls. He made for a small target, but his size was just a mask for his true strength:

His audacity.

Stealing to survive, living in hovels and holes whenever the orphanage kicked him out again, Effing Cyprus was often hot with fever, but within him also burned the will to buck the odds and survive in the harsh town of Malic-

Wait, I got so distracted. Maybe I’ll tell that tale another time. Maybe I should stop licking windows as well… Hmm…
Where did I leave off? Remind me would you?

[Say the thing]

Line please?

[Twilight was checking a clock on a wall that you hadn’t noticed and she was probably about to tell you the time]

Ah, there we go. Smug little prick.

[Love you, Uncle Gary~]

Right. Anyway, Twilight checked the time and her eyes widened, her brows threatening to fly off of her face at any moment. “... Celestia’s late.”

“Here’s hoping she’s not pregnant.” I commented after a few moments of silence.

“Are you actually dumb now?” Sunshower asked.

Well, how am I supposed to know what it means? “How my feelings resound with the ache of your words.”.

She appeared to be rather uncomfortable, but then Twilight said, “Have your feelings be hurt later, Gauche! We have to go to Canterlot! Wait here while Spike and I actually get dressed, okay?”

I nodded. “I’ll be sure to bury Sunshower far away before you get back.”

“Why would you bury Sunshower?” Twilight asked. “Wait, nevermind. Spike, go get dressed!”

Nai ran off along with Twilight, making me scratch my head. “Am I missing something, or does Twilight keep calling Naisyn ‘Spike’?”

Sunshower blinked at me. “You realize that Naisyn is a Dragoness name, right?”

I tilted my head at her. “Nai’s a Dragoness.”

She gave me a funny look. “Spike is a guy, Garrison.”

“I’m sure he is, but Naisyn isn’t. I remember her perfectly.” I said, tilting my head at her the other way.

“You might just be senile, Blowhard.” Sunshower said, making a face.

“Wait, are you saying that the purple Dragon’s name is Spike?”

“That’s what he answered to.”

“Hmm. Curious. I might have to ask him why I think his name is Naisyn. And why I think he’s a girl.” I rubbed my chin.

“You might just have to.” She sighed. “Garrison, can I ask you something?”
‘
“Go ahead. I don’t see any reason why not.”

“Right. I was just wondering if you’re actually sane.”

“You initially met me as I was falling out of the stratosphere.” I said, pursing my lips off to the side.

“Fair point, counterpoint ensuing; I thought somepony dropped you.”

“I told you that I was letting myself fall after that, though. Then you tackled me out of the sky again.”

“You were actually going to die that time!” She said exasperatedly.

“I know you were, but what was I?”

Sunshower gave me a look. “A big, shiny, bouncy Butthead.”

I peeked around her and looked at her tail. “Do Pony’s tails ever differ from their manes?”

She put her hands on her hips and gave me a more womanly look. “You just wanted an excuse to check out my flank.”

I raised a brow at her. “I spent a thousand years with a Demon whose tail was like a little spade and her mane was made of snakes. I was just curious.”

“... She sounds a little scary.”

“Well, she’s like the Celestia of War and Chaos, so she kinda is. She’s nice to me most of the time these days though.”

I saw Sunshower’s jaw drop and she started backing away from me as I felt arms slide around my shoulder, the musculature and texture of her flesh all too familiar, though her voice was all the confirmation anyone would have needed. “Hull~o Master. I heard you talking trash~” Dissida sang softly.

One of her hands stroked my cheek, so I took it and pressed my lips against it. “Sunshower, Dissida. Dissida, this is a cute Mare that I’ve taken a liking to.”

I felt Dissida set her chin on my shoulder and a few of her snakes coiled around my neck, asking to be petted. “Hm. She doesn’t look like much.”

Sunshower didn’t answer that with anything, so I said, “She’s a very nice woman. She tackled me twice, but she’s nicer about it than you are.”

“Pussy.”

“Cunt.”

Dissida licked my ear. “Mine.”

“Do I need to start giving orders?” I asked flatly.

“No Sir.” She sighed.

“So why are you here?”

“I’m going to open a Gate to get Cluck or Dairy here so you have a little back up in the coming days. Things are about to get real rough for a spell, Master.”

I tried to looked at her, but she was preventing me from turning my head at all, so I just stroked her snakes. “What’s going on?”

“Dunno yet. The Gods are up in arms about something, so I’ve put out feelers and I’m having Sieg stroll Stelor’s forests to see if I can get in touch with him. I’ll be talking to Furladra soon, but I can’t say that my reputation in Godsholm is going to earn me many favours with the rest of the Gods, so I might have to wait for Sieg to do his recon before I can tell you anything.”

With the quick application of a kiss to my fingers, I held them up for Dissida to kiss in turn. “How soon will I have back up?”

“Within the hour. I can’t really tell you where to go from here since I’m not that kinda Goddess, but you know the struggle. Kisses, girls~” Dissida crooned, beckoning for her various serpents to lick me, though one got me in the eye, so I pinched it a little and shook it, making the little bugger dizzy.
“Heya, Dissy, before you go, can you make sure to put a Glamour or something over whoever you send? People are going to lose their minds if I go walking around with a Hellhound.”

“What about a Hellcat?”

“No.”

“Hellbear?”
“Nope.”

“Hellbadger?”

“Denied.”

“Hellsquirrel?”

“Vetoed.”

“Hellhawk?”

“Negatory.”

“But Glamours are hard!” She whined directly into my ear, her demonic tones making it even more unpleasant to hear.

“Would a spanking be proper impetus?” I asked drolly.

“Not necessary, Master. It’s not that hard.”

“I swear to Godsholm, you couldn’t possibly be much lazier when it doesn’t come to genocide and violence in general.”

Dissida giggled. “Isn’t it just the cutest thing, though?”

Are you kidding me? I pointed at Sunshower. “You should see when she does this little thing with her nose. It’s far cuter than wanton murder and destruction.”

“That hurts, Master.” My ‘slave’ grumbled.

“I can feel your loins heating up you fucked up, masochistic bitch.”

“Verbal abuse is the best.” She sighed dreamily, giving me a pretty pleasant squeeze. “Well, ta-ta for now, Master.”

I gripped her hand. “Let me know when you figure out what’s going on. If you need assistance in Godsholm, you know how to summon me.”

Dissida gave me one last peck. “Sure do. Remember what I said about other women, okay?”

“I’m not sacrificing her to you.” I’d rather see if she’ll put my willy in her mouth.

She sighed one last time before fading away, leaving Sunshower to take her first real breath since my Matron had came. “... You meant that last part, right?”

“Yeah, you’re safe with me.” I gave her a gentle smile.

“... Right. Guy who consorts with Demons is safe.” Her chuckle came out as awkwardly as I expected it to..

“Sunshower, if I wanted to hurt you, I would’ve done so by now. I’ve had ample time to trick you or do anything to you in general. I just want a blue-maned friend.”

She blinked at me. “... Is that it?”

“You’re also fun to talk to.” I nodded judiciously.

“Not exactly complicated right now, are we? Other than the Demon.” Sunshower huffed, rubbing her eyes. “Mare… I need a drink.”

“Seconded. Maybe some fruit juice.”

Sunshower stared at me as Twilight started trampling down the stairs, buttoning the rest of her blouse from the top down as she hurried along with ‘Spike’ following closely after. “Sorry it took so long! I was looking for decent regal attire, but all I could find was business formal.”

Spike shrugged. “I put my pants on my head.”

He got a couple of funny looks for that, but I completely understood. “Zippers are scary.”

Spike nodded back and wiggled his left leg. “It still hurts…”

“I’d ask what you two are talking about, but we need to get to Canterlot. Gauche, Spike; you two go and get Applejack, Ladesa, and see if Jameson knows how to fight. Have Rainbow bring out her chariot so you guys can get to Canterlot faster than the train and meet up with me in the Throne Room, and if I’m not there, then either wait for thirty minutes or come find me. Everypony got the plan?” Twilight asked.

“Princess, what are we doing?” Sunshower asked.

“You’re Sunshower Raindrops, yes?” My new friend nodded nervously. “You used to be under Rainbow a few years ago, right?”

“Y-Yes Your Highness!”

Twilight nodded sharply. “Go wake Rainbow up and get her butt into gear. She’s going to need a moment to get going, but she’ll be valuable when it comes to getting Applejack and Ladesa to Canterlot.”

“Wait, am I not going with you?” Spike asked.

Twilight shook her head. “You’ll be in charge of the library while I’m gone. Do try to not burn the place down. And if this all turns out to be nothing, we’re totally pigging out on ice cream tonight. Maybe even right after the shops open.” She ran her fingers through her mane.

“Does that taste anything like a Hellbeast heart?” I asked.

Twilight stared at me. “Did you just say “Hellbeast heart?”

Oops. Uh… “Is ice cream good?”

“Yes. Let’s skip that. Yes, ice cream is the bestest ever, so let’s hurry up and get this over with so we can go and get some, okay?” She said, kind of like her main goal in life was to get ice cream.

“I’m leaving if you get Sea-Salt Caramel again.” Spike said sharply.

Twilight coloured. “We’re not talking about that, Spike, so hush.” She brushed past him and started toward the door. “If this turns out to be bad, then everypony come back to Ponyville and prepare for the worst, just like with Discord, Tyrek, Chrysalis, Stygian…Gosh, this kinda thing happens a lot.”

“You’re telling me.” The little Dragon sighed.

His big sister rolled her eyes. “You save one kingdom and you suddenly think you’re done heroing.”

“Shush and go! March!” Spike commanded.

“You too, buster! In fact, everypony out!”

And so Twilight ordered us plebeians out into the streets, and the first thing she did was take off in the direction of Canterlot. Once she was gone, I asked, “Spike, why do I remember you as Naisyn?”

He paled and glanced at Sunshower. “... Weee’ll talk about that later. Let’s go get Applejack and Ladesa.”

“Applejack first. I need to speak to Ladesa privately.” I said, my tone bartering no arguments.

“What about?” Spike asked.

“Guild business.”

“You’re with a Guild? Which one?” Sunshower asked.

“I’m Thieves Guild through and through.” I answered plainly.

“... You’re a thief?”

“Since I was eleven.”

“Oh… Guess you’ve been at it for awhile.”

“Ladesa’s been at it longer.” I said coldly.

“... Uh, Dude? That was really foreboding.” Spike said.

“Oh, was it? I was just remembering some things from The Grey. Nothing terribly important, you know.”

“Right.” Spike and Sunshower chorused.

I nodded. “So, Spike, what have I missed while I’ve been gone?”

“Well, Twilight’s still trying to muster up the courage to ask Jay out, Applejack’s still trying to keep her and Ladesa a secret, but everypony knows by now, and there’s been a lot of other small stuff. Nothing too important or anything.”

“I see. Is Jay aware of Twilight’s infatuation?”

“Everypony is, Dude. Twilight thinks only a couple of ponies know, but anypony who spends more than a couple of minutes around them while they’re in the same room knows that Twilight wants a piece of Jay.” Spike scoffed.

“Hmm, must be some guy to have the attention of a Princess.” Sunshower commented.

“Dude, Jay is like, the coolest. His ideas never make sense, but they usually work one way or another. He’s pretty funny and he’s really nice unless you do something really inconsiderate or if you’re mean to Fluttershy. Or if you hit on Fluttershy. Or if you bug Fluttershy too much. Or, Celestia forbid, you accidentally spill juice on her… I thought he was going to hit me with the way he was glaring at me, but it’s not like he shouted or anything. He’s just really protective.”

“He sounds kinda possessive.” Sunshower said uneasily.

“I wouldn’t say that as much as he just really doesn’t want Fluttershy to have to deal with bad stuff that she doesn’t have to. It’s not like Jay smothers her or anything when they’re together.”

“And he doesn’t boss her around?”

“Fluttershy kinda needs somepony to boss her around sometimes, but Jay’s really nice about it. Twilight says he uses encouragement, positive reinforcement, and ‘sex appeal’,” He added some dutiful air quotes, “to sway Fluttershy to do stuff that she should probably do anyway. Like when he pressed her into building Harry his own shed.”

“Did he help her with it?” I asked, befuddled.

Spike gave me a weird look. “Jay did most of the work and he enchanted the everloving daylights out of it. It’s not the cleanest job ever, but if I had to have somepony I know make me a house, I’d either pick Big Mac or Jay.”

My freckled friend scrunched up her nose adorably. “Big Mac? That sounds a little familiar”

“He’s Applejack’s older brother and he’s a real whiz with his hands and numbers. He can do pretty much anything.” Spike sighed dreamily.

Sunshower and I both looked at him before trading looks. I mouthed ‘Sweetlad’ and she mouth ‘Fag’ or ‘Fack’. Either way, I found it mildly amusing. “Handsome, is he?”

“You bet!-ter ask a Mare.” Spike said awkwardly.

Sunshower giggled. “I’m a Mare. I don’t think he’s as cute as you, Spike.”

“You don’t know what he looks like!” He huffed.

“If you’re talking about the Apple Family, then I went to school with McIntosh. That scrawny little guy went by Little Mac back then when his Dad was still around.”

“I remember Big Mac telling me a bit about his Dad.” Spike sighed. “He sounded so cool!”

“A lot of colts remember their Dads as being their biggest hero.” She said warmly. “I know my Mom was my biggest hero.”

“Hmm… I’d have to say that Princess Luna is my biggest hero. I mean, she came back after losing to Nightmare Moon and that was definitely not cool, but she held on for as long as she could!”

“Admirable.” Now if only she could do me the favour of not being a twat.

“What about you, Gauche? Do you have a hero?” Sunshower asked.

“A man named Desmond was my hero. He had charisma and wits abound. The man was everything I wanted to be when I met him, and I’d still like to be like him some day.” I answered.

“Desmond? Isn’t that a Briddish name?” She asked.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Ah, right… So what about your parents? What were they like?”

“I never knew them.” I said, just stating another fact. “It’s nothing to be sad about, so don’t waste your time if you can avoid it. If they gave me up, then it would have been worse for them to keep me.”

“That’s a really positive way of looking at it.” Sunshower said kindly, offering me a little smile.

I don’t need your pity, but I could use pity sex… Hmm… Later maybe. “It’s how I’ve seen it for a long time. Spike, how close are we to the place we need to go?”

“It should only be about ten more minutes at this pace. Why do you ask?”

“How would you feel about being wrapped in my manly embrace for a minute?”

“Hug her.” He pointed at Sunshower.
I winked at Sunshower. “Later. Come here, Spike; we’ve got flying to do.”

“... Wha-AAAAAAAAAAA!”

Spike’s scream as I seized him was feminine and hysterical, but it only got better when I actually took off. Sunshower was left in my dust, but the farm was pretty hard to miss since it was a fucking farm. I touched down softly as to not shake Spike up any further, but he still ended up retching over the porch’s railing by the time I’d let myself into the farmhouse. I wandered around a little bit, checking people’s rooms until I came across Ladesa’s. She snoozed peacefully until I opened the door all the way, then she woke up with a yawn and a stretch.

“G’morning. Who’m I talking to?” Ladesa asked blearily.

I just looked at her darkened form.

“Ah, morning Mac. Just another one of those days?”

“Sure.”

“... Gauche.” She breathed, terrified.

“Ladesa.” I snarled, closing the door behind me.

She woke up pretty quickly with the fear of my vindication in her veins. “Please, wait, just- just let explain myself, Gauche! I-I knew you were going to come back! I-I didn’t want to hurt you, b-but I had to!”

“We all have a choice, Ladesa. You chose wrong.” I unholstered Pam and aimed.

“Wait! I-I can bring Aria to you!” Ladesa wailed, panicking. “You want to see your little sister again, r-right? I-It’s a once in a lifetime thing, Gauche, and I can promise you-”

“Promises mean nothing. Swear your fealty on the Lake of Eternity.” I growled.

“... You what, Bruvva?”

“The only way you get out of this alive is as my slave, I swear upon the Crest of Dissida.” I replied matter-of-factly. “Otherwise I’m sacrificing you to Dissida.”

“On-the-Lake-of-Eternity-I-pledge-my-fealty-to-you.” Ladesa rattled off quickly, the fear of Hell within her very bones.

“Get up.” I commanded. Ladesa scrambled off of her bed and onto her feet to follow the tone of my command. “Turn on a light or light a candle. Whichever illuminates this place.”

Ladesa passed me and flipped a switch on the wall, allowing me to see the fear and anxiety on her face. “O-Okay… Now what?”

I gave her a once over and took in her nightgown and nervous twitches as I seized her chin and looked her in the eye. Ladesa swallowed hard as I said, “I want you to carry a message to your mother for me. The message is ‘Don’t fuck with me’. Got it?”

She nodded. “U-Understood.”

I smirked. “Don’t look so downtrodden. The worst part has yet to come.”

“Wh-What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Show me your Seal.”

She blushed bright red. “B-But you know where my Seal is!”

“Did I stutter?” I asked lethally.

Ladesa shook her head and tugged on the collar of her nightgown, looking away as she pulled it down. “I-Is this okay?”

I grabbed her hand and forced it down further, exposing more of nothing exciting other than the scar tissue of her Seal “This is okay. Now we can do this one of two ways.”

“... You’re not the Guildmaster.” Ladesa whispered.

“I am now.” I growled, using my wrist blade to slash her Seal.

Ladesa grunted, but didn’t bleed as her seal healed around the recently parted flesh, drawing a perfect line through it. “... Nine hundred years of service… All gone.” She said shakily.

“You threw it away.” I answered. “Get dressed. We have business in Canterlot.”

“I-I have ta let Applejack-”

“She’s coming with us, though she actually has a choice in the matter. You? Not so much.”

Ladesa nodded a few times, rubbing her breast. “... For what it’s worth-”

“Sanasi eivät ole mitään arvoisia.” I interrupted. “Olet häpeällinen.”

“... Ow.” She murmured.

“When I stop speaking the truth, let me know.”
“I guess I could be dead.” She sighed.

“Exactly, so cheer up. I’ll be in the living room when you’re prepared, so don’t take too long.”

“Understood.” Ladesa said, the blue hue of her mood tinging her voice.

I left the room because I wasn’t trying to see her change, and when I got to the living room, I saw that Sunshower and Applejack were already talking over a cup of coffee while Spike got some more shuteye that I assumed was well warranted. By the time Ladesa came out, I’d made it through a cup and a half of my own coffee, and it had been quite delightful. The look on Ladesa’s face when she joined the free people was nice too, and when Applejack asked her what was wrong, she said that there was nothing worth mentioning at the moment, which made Sunshower give me a suspicious look that I answered with a smile. Applejack tried to ask me what I’d done since she knew something was up, but I told her that I hadn’t done anything unwarranted and Ladesa backed me up, so the matter was dropped and we were on our way to Fluttershy’s house to pick up Jay. I ended up having Applejack, Ladesa, and Sunshower all head to Rainbow’s so Jay, Spike, and I could catch up and my plan was accepted by everyone until Spike realized that I was just looking for another excuse to fly around with him.

Then he got a little scared, but it was okay because I’m a professional.

We parted ways with the womenes and landed at Fluttershy’s in but a few minutes, everything going even better than planned when Jay met us at the door with a worried look on his face. “Sup, Garrison. Shit’s going down, ain’t it?”

I nodded. “Can you help out?”

“I need to stop by my shop to pick up my guns and ammo, but other than that, yeah. I can handle a scrap.” Jay said casually.

“Dude, the way you opened the door before we even knocked was so weird.” Spike said reverently.

“I’m good like that.” Jay said casually. “Come on, I know the fastest way to get to my place from here.”

Spike and I followed him from thereafter to his shop where he started stocking up on strange things that I didn’t remember ever seeing before, but little of it was important. However, what was important was that Cluck hopped through a Hell Gate while we were in his shop and Jay nearly shot my second favourite pillow before I could explain to him that my pup was the friendly type as long as I wanted him to be. The thing, however, was that Jay knew exactly what Cluck was before I even said anything, which was a a little suspicious because Dissida had put a pretty decent Glamour on him, but then again, the whole situation was weird. I finally come back to Equestria after a six month to a thousand year absence, and I come back to find that most of the people I knew weren’t actually all that far away from me to begin with. My memories were fuzzy, but other than that, something seemed off with the world, like it wasn’t turning the right way.

After I carried Spike and Jay to Rainbow’s place (I had Spike hop on my back and I just grabbed Jay’s arms), we joined the others, but nobody really had much time to talk since we were trying to get our business taken care of as fast as possible.. I was a faster flier than Sunshower, so I got strapped into the chariot with Rainbow Dash while Sunshower flew nearby. Jay, Cluck, Applejack, and Ladesa all piled into the chariot, which kinda sucked because it meant that the thing was heavy. I ended up using Wind Magic to get us in the air and Rainbow helped out with her own usage of the Magic to get us going at a decent speed.

“Keep us up and I’ll keep us going!” She shouted over the wind once we were out of Ponyville’s air-space.

“I can do both!”: I shouted back. “Just let me know when you wanna kick it up a notch!”

“How about now!?”

And so I set my Wind Wings to autopilot and focused on pushing the chariot up and forward as well and clearing the headwind from our path. It was an incredibly taxing feat that made me tire quickly, but Canterlot came into view and grew closer far faster than it would have if Rainbow and I were just plodding along like we had been. In any case, it took us about half an hour to get to Canterlot, and landing the chariot in one of the parking spaces at the Castle took a little doing since we needed to spiral down to get it into position. We didn’t actually land in the space, but when we touched down, Rainbow and I got some water from some guards that were on duty while the rest of our little group guided the chariot into the place it was supposed to be.

Once all that was taken care of, Spike lead the way to into the castle and toward the Throne Room, though we’d passed a whole lot of nobody on our way in. The halls of the castle were bare, which was odd at this particular hour since everyone knew it was about seven in the morning at this point, meaning that alarms should have gone off and woken up the day shifters.. In any case, when we got to the throne room, no one barred our entry until we actually entered the room. Upon opening the door, we were greeted with the sight of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all wrapped in chains, on their knees in front of the throne while a tall, magnificently dangerous-looking woman graced the throne with her lithe, yet decently endowed form. Our eyes met and she made a casual gesture with her hand, more chains wrapping up the people I’d brought along with me, but not me myself. Once everyone was on their knees other than the two of us, I looked around before carefully approaching the throne.

No one said a word as I traveled the distance, and when I stopped in front of the midnight purple woman, she regarded me calmly. “Kaid Cosantoir.”

“... I beg your pardon?” I asked.

“Your name, Garrison. Your true name is Kaid Cosantoir.” She said calmly.

“... Interesting. Thank you for telling me that.” I said sincerely.

She nodded. “Let’s cut to the chase. The tacks have never been made of purer brass, after all. My supposition here is that you give me your Aetera. Then I let everyone here go and life continues as it pleases.”

“And if I want to keep this thing that I don’t actually understand?”

The beauty crossed her legs and looked at me coolly. “I understand that you don’t want to upset me in the slightest; I truly do. I also understand that the longer you withhold what I want, the worse it will be for you.”
I shrugged. “Then take what you’ve come for and stay for a little conversation, no? You get what you want, I get to talk to yet another being beyond my full comprehension; we both get something out of it. What do you say?”

She cracked the smallest of smiles. “You do realize that I could just kill everyone and take your Aetera, correct?”

“If you wanted to do that, you would’ve done it.” I said flatly. “Don’t try to intimidate me with dumb things. At least offer me the respect of threatening me with things that actually make sense.”

The strange, enchanting woman let out a musical peal of laughter that made me want to smile along with her. “Oh, now I’m not so sure! Maybe you’re better off with your Aetera rather than me having it.” She gave me a warm smile and I felt my heart melt then and there.

“A-Are you sure? I think it’ll go nicely with your collection.”

The strange woman uncrossed her legs and started walking down the dais. “I’m not sure about anything anymore, Garrison. I’ve never been more lost in my life.” She stopped in front of me, towering over me by at least eight inches as she gently stroked my cheek. “I just lost so much… I thought that taking something from you would make me feel better, but… You remind me a lot of him.”

“Glad to make your heart feel a little lighter.” I murmured.

“To the contrary, actually. You make my heart feel heavier than it’s felt in a long time, but I like the feeling. It reminds me of my husband.”

“Your husband makes you feel bad?”

“No, he makes me feel good, you silly child.” She chuckled. “He used to, at least. He’s off on another journey right now.”

I held her hand to my face and took in her unique scent. It was like having someone waft the finest of wines underneath your nose as a band of some sort played your favourite song in the background. “I’d ask you to marry me instead, but I’m sure your standards are higher than I can reach.”

She giggled at that and pressed her lips to my forehead. “... I feel better for having talked to you, Garrison. I’ll come to visit again sometime.”

“You could always just come to visit me directly. We’ll make it a date.” I said hopefully.

She gave me an amused look. “I just widowed myself. I’m not exactly on the market right now.”

“I remember someone saying something about a rebound, but if that thing, whatever it may happen to be, gets me twenty minutes with my hand in yours during a walk in a nice place, then I’d happily do that rebound thing.”

“So you’d resort to dirty tactics to grab my eye?” She asked flatly.

“I’d do anything for your attention.” I muttered quietly, wholly enchanted by the woman in front of me.

She caressed my cheek again. “It’s a shame that we weren’t meant to be together. You have the capacity to be even more devoted than my husband.”

“See? I have perks!” I tried.

“Maybe next time, Garrison.” She kissed my temple this time. “For the time being, I want you to go to Minosia and fulfil Celestia’s task, okay?”

“Of course. Anytime.”
She patted my shoulder and disappeared moments later, leaving me with a room full of people that were probably going to be terribly suspicious of me, as evidenced by the semi-circle that formed around me. Celestia stepped forward with a grim look on her face and asked, “Who was that, Garrison?”

“I don't know, but I want her to take me places and show me things.” I sighed happily.

“That was Twilight mother-fucking-Goddamn Sparkle; that’s who the fuck that was.” Jay said darkly.
It took everyone a second to look at him before looking at Twilight. “D-Don’t look at me! She caught me too!”

“No, that’s not what I meant. That Twilight isn’t our Twilight. That woman is Max’s wife.” Jay clarified.

“Not anymore. Max is gone.” I said.

“You what?” Jay snapped.

“That Twilight said she widowed herself and that her husband was on another journey. If that’s not code for ‘He’s dead’, then I don’t know what is.” I replied.

“... Fuck.” Jay breathed. “I gotta go!”

“Wait, Jay, what’s-” Twilight started, but then Jay leapt through the air and disappeared like that was supposed to make sense. “... Did he just teleport?”

“I think he just teleported.” Applejack said numbly.

“That’s all well and good, but now we need to figure out what the Hell Jay is doin’ that’s so important.” Ladesa chimed in.

“I hope he’s okay…” My surrogate little sister muttered.

“He will be.” I assured her. “Jay strikes me as a regular tough guy.”

“That is not the most important matter at the moment. What did the other Twilight want from you, Garrison?” Luna asked.

“Something called an Aetera, whatever that is. She decided to let me keep it after I made her happy, and after that she just told me to go do the Minosia thing, so there’s always that.” If only she wanted my chasted a thousand and ten years ago… Missed opportunities.

“... So an Eldritch being with powers even greater than Max’s just so happens to like you because you’re amusing?” Celestia asked.

“Pretty much.”

“Good stars above, I need a drink.” Sunshower grumbled.

“Seconded.” Luna said.

“And if my vote counts for anything, then I suggest breakfast wine.” Celestia sighed, rubbing her temples.

“Drunks, the lot of you.” I huffed.

“Shut up Gauche/Garrison.” Was heard throughout the females in the group.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I crashed into Hug Bunny like I didn’t have a lick of sense in my mind, but unlike most people, she was prepared for me and wrapped me up in a tight hug unlike any other I’d ever had before. We embraced each other with the desperation that comes from losing a close friend slash lover and I held onto Hug Bunny as she started crying in my arms. With little else to do other than to comfort my best friend, I stroked Pinkie’s hair and murmured assurances to her while she tried to get a grip, but the woman had just lost her husband of countless years. There was little that I could do to fill the new hole in her heart, but I could be there for her when she needed me, and now was most definitely one of those times.

“Pinkie, Babydoll, what happened? What’s going on?” I asked softly once she was hiccuping instead of outright sobbing.

She let me go and I cleared her eyes with one of the handkerchiefs that Fluttershy had gotten me because I like them. “Tw-Twilight killed them, J-Jay… Just… They’re gone!” Pinkie buried her face into my shoulder and I hugged her again, holding her close.

“It’s okay, Pinkie. Max himself said that he was too old to keep being around, but who else did Twilight kill?”

“R-Roxy…”

“... Is she coming after you?” I breathed.

Pinkie shook her head. “I-I wasn’t st-strong enough to stop her…”

“So she let you live.”

“... She’s different, Jay. She’s not like how she used to be.” Pinkie said weakly.

“I know. She’s a lot colder now than what she used to be.” I said ruefully.

Pinkie held me tightly. “Jay…”

“Yes Pinkie?”

“... Will you stay here for a little while?” She asked weakly.

“If the Arcadian Twilight finds out I’m here-”

“She won’t.”

I let her go and she gave me the most pitiful look since she’d told me that she couldn’t go back to Equis before I kissed her. “Where are we?”

“My apartment.” Pinkie sniffled.

I looked around for a couch or something to sit on and found a loveseat. “Why don’t we rest our legs for a little bit and talk about Garrison to get our minds off of it for awhile?”

She nodded slowly and let me lead her over to the loveseat. I left her plenty of space to sit next to me, but she clambered on top of me like Fluttershy never did and curled up on me, allowing me to wrap my arms around her. “You feel nice.”

“You’re softer than I am, so I’d wager that you feel nicer.” I complimented. “I could hug you all day and not get tired of it. Speaking of, what time is it?”

“I don’t know. I haven't come out of my room in a few days.” She admitted shamefully.

“Is that why you smell like a girl and literally nothing else?”

“What do girls smell like?”

“Somewhat sweet, but not like sugary stuff or floral stuff. It’s a unique kind of scent, y’know?”

“Does it smell good?”

“Yeah, but when’s the last time you bathed?” I asked. “You don’t stink, I’m just concerned.”

Pinkie cleared her throat and started to climb off of me, but I snuck a kiss onto her cheek before she could get too far. “Well, it’s been long enough that I should probably take a shower…”

“Do you want me to wait for you, or have you been eating for the past few days?”

“... You don’t have to go out and get food, Jay. I’m not-”

“You’re eating something.” I said harshly.

“... I’m not hungry.” She said softly.

“A little bit of yogurt and a protein shake. That’s all I’m asking here.” I tried, switching tactics.

“That doesn’t sound too bad… At least you didn’t say anything about bread.”

“Nah, I’ve been where you are. Things that are easy to swallow and don’t have a strong taste are the best things I can think of right now. Just not jello or anything like that.”
Pinkie grabbed my hand and kissed the lowest knuckle on my index finger. “I won’t be long in the shower, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll come and check up on you in ten minutes, okay?”

She gave me an odd look. “That’s not even enough time to wash my hair.”

“Fifteen is pushing it.” I informed.

“Why don’t you just wait for me in the bathroom? You don’t have to come in the shower, but you could stay while I’m behind the curtain.”

“I’ll be sure to steal your clothes and your towel so you have to do the Wet Windy Walk to grab something to dry off with.” I gave her a devious little smile.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “You just wanna see if I’m white all over or if I’m secretly pink in some places.”

I gave her another hug. “Nah, I’d just wanna see that booty bounce, Babydoll.”

“Thanks, I really needed someone to tell me that I had a big butt.” She said flatly.

“You act like a big butt isn’t the best blessing you could get.” I scoffed. “Every chair feels a little bit better, you can catch an eye wherever you go-”

“Not on Arkaid.” Pinkie huffed.

“You catch my eye.” I informed.

She got up and gave me a minute smile; little more than her lips curving. “Is that why I always see you looking down when you’re walking behind me?”

“It’s not even my fault, though.” I defended. “Your butt’s like the Earth and my eyes are satellites, searching for a signal.”

“My butt’s not going to give you a signal.” She replied drily.

“Are you going to give me a signal?” I asked, getting up myself.

Pinkie raised a brow and snorted. “I just invited you into my bathroom so you could be around while I took a shower. You should probably assume that you’re welcome to do what you want.”

I put my hands on her hips and kissed her cheek again. “Then I guess I shouldn't abuse my privileges. Do I get to help you pick out what you’re going to wear?”

She blushed a little. “Well, I guess you could if you really wanted to, but I don’t really… Y’know…”

“Please tell me that you don’t just cram your clothes into your dressers.” I said flatly.

Pinkie blushed brightly. “Max said it was cute!”

“Pinks, Babydoll; you gotta actually fold your shit. I mean, how much more room would you have if you actually folded clothes?”

“Shush!”

I gave her a little peck. “At least tell me that you have a closet where you keep your nice stuff.”

“Well…”

“You’re taking a shower and I’m straightening this place up.” I said flatly.

“There's nothing wrong with my room!” Pinkie protested.

I looked around and saw all sorts of things hanging around or sitting on the floor. “Pinkie, I’m about to bring a small army of ghosts in here, so unless you want to be freaked out, then I suggest you get some clothes together for that shower.”

“You’re my Friend Plus, Jay. Not my boyfriend.” Pinkie said a little irritably.

“Friends take care of friends and boyfriends take care of their girlfriends. Since I’m guessing that ‘Friend Plus’ status is somewhere in between, so I gotta double take care of you, capiche? Comprende? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?” I said, doing my best Chris Tucker impression.

Pinkie gave me a look. “He’s not that funny.”

I gave her a look of pure malevolence. “You take that back.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Chris Rock is better!”

“Well, when you start comparing black comedians, then Dave Chapelle. End of story.”

“What about Katt-”

“That’s a dumb nigga. That motherfucker’s Nignorant.”

Pinkie gave me a look. “Patrice O’Neal?”

I snapped and gave her a smile. “And just like that, we’re back to being on the same page.”

“Speaking of the same page, if you’re going to clean my room according to how you want it cleaned, then at least do me the kindness of doing it yourself instead of ordering poor souls to do it for you.” She requested.

“Well, I said ghosts, I meant Demons.”

Pinkie gave me a shitty look. “Seriously?”

“Ay, they get out of the Nether for a little bit and I get free labour. Everyone wins, and I usually let them hang around for a little while to escape eternal punishment for a little bit, so it’s not like they don’t get anything out of it.” I tried.

Pinkie just gave me another look. “Lazybones.”

“I can call you names too.” I reminded.

“Yeah, but you can’t call me Lazybones, Lazybones.” She taunted.

“Alright, Moon Moon.” I replied. “Let’s talk about just how phat dat ass is.”

“Hey! My butt is not fat!”

“Really?” I took a step toward her and got up in her personal space. “You sure about that?”

She stuck a finger in my sternum and gave me a pouty look. “I sure am!”

I grabbed both cheeks and beamed. “And here I am, though. Definitely more than a handful.”

Pinkie hit me, so I just wrapped her up in a hug. “Butthead.”

“I love you, Pinks. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, one way or any other you might need. I’m still gonna get started on folding your clothes and organizing that shit in general, but I’ll be sure to like, write you up a manifest or something.”

“Maybe it’s your destiny to write up manifests?”

“You mean a Manifest Destiny of sorts?” I scoffed.

Pinkie gave me a little smile. “Thank you.”

I touched my forehead to hers, dropping the veil we’d been maintaining since she’d stopped crying. “You know I would’ve been here sooner if you would’ve said something.”

“I know… I just… I didn’t want anyone around for a little while, you know?”

“I know, Babydoll. You know I do.”

Pinkie laced her arms around my shoulders. “... I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you lost Ty.”

“You didn’t think you deserved to have me around when you couldn’t be there for me.” I said softly.

“I didn’t say that.” Pinkie whispered.

“Do I really need to say how well we know each other at this point?”

She let loose a few weak chuckles. “No, I guess not… It’s just…”

“Pinkie, I had Fluttershy and Harry to lean on. I had my work to throw myself into. I had a lot of little distractions that ate up my time and a loving, supporting partner to look after me when I started drinking too much out of a bottle in one go. You’ve got your friends, but you just lost your partner, Pinks.” She sniffled as I said that, making me soften my tone. “I know I’m no replacement for what you’ve lost, but I can help take some of that pain away, can’t I?”

Pinkie squeezed me a little tighter. “Y-You’re not doing a bad job already.” She sniffled.

“That’s because white’s alright and Blacks heal cracks.”

“Blacks do crack.” Pinkie whimpered.

“I’ll spank you, dammit.” I said flatly.

“F-First I have to deal with emotional trauma, now you’re gonna add physical trauma too?” She asked dolefully, giving me the Sad Eyes.

I looked away, my face warming up. “Can we just find you some clothes already?”

Pinkie gave me a peck on my fuzzy jaw. “Let me pick the stuff you’re not gonna see anyway, okay?”

“Just tell me which drawers to avoid.” I chuckled.

Pinkie let me go and stared at one of her dressers for a second. “... Um…”

“Would it make you feel any better if I started throwing my boxers and random jockstraps around?” I asked amusedly.

“What would you need a jockstrap for?” Pinkie asked.

“Do you wanna see or hear the answer?” I purred sensually.

She gave me a mild look that was ruined by the slight curving of her lips. “I dunno. When’s the last time you took a bath?”

“I literally can’t sweat. I don’t actually need to bathe unless I get bloody or dirty.”

Pinkie gave me a look. “Sounds awfully convenient at the moment, Buster.”

“Are you inviting me into the shower with you?”

“Not anymore, I’m not.”

“What if I wear swimming trunks?”

“Make it a speedo and I’ll wear a bikini.” She bargained.

“And if I think a speedo is too gay?” I asked amusedly.

“I have a one-piece, but that means that you can’t wash my back~” Pinkie sang.

“Alright, it’s time for some open negotiations.” I said, using the ‘You know I had to do it to ‘em.’ stance as my Power-Position.

Pinkie raised a brow. “Is it, now?”

“It sure is. I refuse to wear a speedo, but what about especially short boxers?” I placed my middle, ring and index fingers about two inches down my thigh, just above my ammo factory. “They’ll come down to about here.”

“Hmm… I guess I could wear a backless one-piece if that’s what you wanna do~” She sang.

I shrugged. “Can I move the straps a little so I can get the hard to reach areas?”

“You get to wash my back and that’s it, Buster.” Pinkie replied, pointing a finger at me.

“Are negotiations still open?” I asked, giving her a lascivious smile.

She gave me the fakest look I’d ever gotten. “Well, doesn’t that just seem super suspicious.”

“Tell you what; let me wash your hair and your back and… I dunno, what do you want?”

“Hmm… Let me wash your boobs.” Pinkie said evilly.

I grabbed my pecks. “These fuckers are mostly muscle!”

“That’s what you tell yourself.” She snorted.

“Look here, Meaty Seat.” I warned.

Pinkie giggled. “That’s all I want.”

“Then that’s all you’re getting.” I huffed.

“What if I wanna wash your back?” She inquired playfully.

“Sorry, negotiations are closed.” I pursed my lips.

“What!? That’s so unfair!”

I snorted. “And you think wearing a one-piece while I’m practically naked is fair?”

“Well, it’d be completely fair if I only wore bikini bottoms and you wore a speedo~” Pinkie purred, trailing a finger down my chest.

I rolled my eyes. “The shorty-short-shorts are the best you’re getting.” She pouted, but before she could say anything, I said, “The thing is that you don’t have an outline of your business to keep my eyes occupied. I know exactly where you’re gonna wanna look.”

“Well, I happen to be looking into the future and I’m pretty sure I see a topless hug in our future, so I think you’re gonna get the better end of the deal.” She huffed.

I took a peek into the future for myself and saw us in the shower, Pinkie’s hand gripping my ass. “And it looks like someone pale and pink gets a little handsy.” I replied amusedly.

She gave me a cutesy, minxy little grin. “Can you really blame me?”

I gave her one more kiss. “Nah, not at all. I’m pretty sure we’re both aware of how mutual the attraction is.”

“I just think it’s kind of odd how we both prefer figures that aren’t exactly common where we live.” Pinkie giggled.

I let my hands rest on her waist and gave her a little smile, but she put her hands on mine and held them between us. “Yeah, it’s something alright.”

“I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to realize.” Pinkie said softly.

I sighed and chuckled. “This is me letting go of that part of my life, Pinkie. Arkaid isn’t where I’m supposed to be anymore.”

She gave me a look. “So where do you belong?”

I blinked a few times, blindsided by her question. “... Um… I don’t know…”

”Exactly. You decide where you go, Cookie. You’re not bound by the Council’s laws like the Pinkies, the Graylens, the Foamelites, the Tealers, Carnatas, Ol’ Yellers, or the Violess. You can technically do whatever you want, Jay.” Pinkie pointed out.

I tilted my head at her. “... Are you telling me that I could go back to Earth if I really felt like it?”

“I sense a road trip coming up.” She said, a smile breaking out on her face.

I beamed at her, a billion volt smile on my face. “Pinkie, I’m about to make sure you worry about breathing in the next ten seconds. You’ve got eight to move.”

Pinkie tapped her finger on her chin for a few moments. “Hm-m-m-m-m-m-m-M!” I kissed her as she was still ‘hmming’, though I did wait eight seconds before smooching her.

As Pinkie and I wrestled for control of the kiss, there was a knock on her door that we ignored for a few more minutes until it came again. Pinkie pulled away with a sigh, but I started kissing her neck and jaw, not letting her go quite yet. “Ignore ‘em. They can wait a little longer.” I murmured.

Pinkie gasped. “Cookie! Hide-hide-hide!” She shoved me away and pointed at her bed. “Now!”

I quickly scooted under her bed and made sure that I wasn’t visible, leaving Pinkie to do a quick check and scurry over to the door. When she answered it, I heard “Hey there, Pinkie…”

My blood froze.

“Twilight.” Pinkie said coldly.

“... It’s sure been awhile, h-hasn’t it?” Dead Bitch said awkwardly.

“Why are you here?”

“Pinkie, I know something’s wrong and it’s been wrong for months, but you won’t talk to me! You don’t even look at me anymore without y-your lip curling, o-or just that hateful look! What did I do, Pinkie!? What did I do to ruin our friendship!?”

“Okthus.” I growled.

“Master.” He replied, lifting Pinkies bed effortlessly so I could stand.

“... Jameson?” Dead Bitch breathed.

Pinkie looked at me and shook her head subtly, but I wasn’t necessarily there anymore. Okthus grunted and snarled at her. “Master. Who kill?”

“Neither of them. Follow.” I said, walking across the room, the feeling that I’d once had when Dead Bitch first arrested my brother returning with a vengeance. The cool breeze that flowed inside of me threw my mercy out the door on its ass and my sanity checked its coat in the wrong motel, having gone to the Holiday Inn instead of the Horror House Hotel.

Her face broke into a tear-filled smile as I approached her. “J-Jay? Sweetie? Is it really you?”

I stopped within arm’s distance, the heat from the Flames of Hell still rolling off of Okthus as he towered behind me, invisible to Dead Bitch. “Yeah. How’s it going?”

“Where have you been all this time, Jay!? I looked for you all year and-” She blinked and looked at Pinkie, who was glaring at her with intent to do a little worse than thrill. “... You ran off to live with Pinkie?”

“No, someone you’ll never meet again threw me onto a different planet for a couple tasks.” I said tonelessly. “So where’s Ty?”

Twilight’s face grew flat. “He wouldn’t tell me where you went, so I sent him away-”

I slapped her faster and harder than a Human, Arkaidite or otherwise, possibly could have, my right hand breaking the sound barrier moments before ripping Dead Bitch’s jaw straight off of her face. Before she could register that I’d even moved, I shoved my right hand into her gaping hole and crushed her tongue before snatching my hand back, ripping it right out of her mouth. Once Dead Bitch actually had time to realize that she was in pain, she sank to her knees and let out a horrible screech as her form began to morph before my eyes, so I looked into the future and checked out what was about to go down. As it turned out, Dead Bitch was going Sanguis, which just so happened to be outside of the things I wanted her to do, so the next words out of my mouth were a single, simple order, and the next movement I made was just one gesture.

I pointed at Twilight. “Okthus. Throw her in Smileton.”

Pinkie stepped aside and Okthus walked past me to snatch The Damned by her hair, shackling her in less than the blink of an eye. “Okthus keep?”

I looked at Pinkie for a moment before turning to my right. “What do you say?”

Ty stared at his killer. “You know what she did to me, Maxwell. You know damn well.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“... I want that fuckin’ cunt ta fuckin’- GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” He roared from the Ether, clenching his fists, shaking with fury beyond levels of rage that the living or the sane could comprehend.

I nodded and looked at my Employee-I-Don’t-Pay. “Okthus keep. When you get tired of her, pass her onto someone worse.”

Okthus, in all his hideous glory, gave me a wide, toothy smile. “Okthus thank Master!”

I gave him another nod. “Make sure she gets breaks long enough to break her.”

My slave pouted since he was technically like, a year old and was frozen at that age since that’s when Max killed him. “But Okthus break better than not break!”

“It’s an order, Okthus. You want to do real psychological damage, you let them ruminate on what’s happened.” I paused for a moment and glanced at my brother one last time. “Take him with you.”

Ty’s head whipped toward me and his jaw dropped. “... Jay?”

Pinkie looked at me in pure shock. “J-Jay, that’s your own brother! Y-You can’t be serious!”

I looked at her lazily. “Operative Keywords: Backstabber, enter. Shiesty, enter. Shady, enter. Betrayal, enter. Brother. Enter. See what you find.”

Having technically been alive for longer than her own planet’s existed (Pinkies are weird like that), she didn’t need long to check and see how many times Ty had nearly gotten me killed one way or another through his own doing, the time he got me molested by the pastor of a church that got burned down (By me. First Arson, sixth grade.), the countless times he’d shorted me on a deal, fucked me over, cheated me, fucked over our own Moms, stole from me and the people I loved and respected, the time he got my sweetheart killed by bringing her name up in a bad coke deal that I told him to avoid, the shade he’d thrown on me for what-the-fuck-ever reason he had at the multiple times he’d done it, the times he’d nailed whatever girlfriend I’d had, all except for one named Lucy, and she was a fuckin’ trip. Probably why he didn’t go after her, but still.

Pinkie looked at me with a heartbroken expression on her face for a few moments before shaking her head. “... How do you even trust anyone anymore, Jay?”

Okthus grabbed Ty and my former brother started struggling as hard as he could, but he couldn’t match a former god’s strength. Even if Okthus wasn’t an Orc or whatever he was, the guy was still one of the Twelve-Twelve; the rulers of Hell and Smileton’s equivalent across the Universal Collective. “Jameson, Bruh! I’m your fuckin’ brother! The fuck man!? After all the shit we been through!? After all I done did for you!? You goin’ do me like this!?”

I furrowed my brow, tilted my head, and looked at him. “You know I’ve seen every. Little. Betrayal. Every time you’ve stabbed me in the back, every time you fucked me or someone I cared about. I know about it all, Tiberius. You’re kind of a piece of fuckin’ shit. I shoulda let you die in fourth grade before you could start raping me like you did for twelve years. I shoulda killed you myself, because there isn’t a bigger, lower, shittier nigger in existence than you, Ty. Not to me at least.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Deep down I always knew that you didn’t love me, and God himself told me too. Now? Now I see you for what you are,” I opened my eyes and stared him down, “and you, Tyler, are and have always been the biggest thing keeping me from making it. You’ve always been my concrete boots on the raft that is life as an African American, not a nigger such as yourself, and it’s about time I removed the deadweight.”

Ty’s eyes filled with ectoplasm and he shuddered hard. “... Jay, I’m sorry-”

“Tch. I’m gonna pull a Ty right about now and let everything you say slip right out the other side.” I said frostily. “You never listened to me; not even when I was trying to save the life you tried to throw away so hard, so I’ll be fucked if I hear another word out of your mouth. Go ahead; plead your case.”

“... We grew up together, though.” He sobbed.

“And you fucked me every chance you got.” I replied, the aloofness factor kicking itself up to twelve, telling eleven to go get raped in a back alley by a smegma covered monster cock. “Besides; everything you did for me turned out to benefit you in the end, and I know because I had to double check to make sure that what I was seeing was right. I was the best brother I could be for you and you…” I sighed. “Okthus, throw him in the bottom of the pit. No breaks. Now.”

“Jay, ple-!” Ty tried one last time, trying to evoke emotions that I’d cut out specifically for him.

I stared at the spot he’d occupied for a little bit before sighing. “I need a drink.”

“We still need to shower~” Pinkie said, trying to cheer me up.

I ran two fingers over my left eye and closed myself off to the Nether, the sacrifices I’d sent being enough to ward off any prying eyes for a few hours. “Are you still wearing the bikini bottoms?” I asked with a little smile.

“Hmm… Well, seeing as how you just got your vindication on the two biggest pieces of trash in your life, I’d say shower sex.”

I shrugged. “Do you want it?”

“Not at all.” She said truthfully.

I inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. “Then let’s just wear nothing and see what happens.”

“But I actually do wanna wear something in the shower.” Pinkie replied mopily.

“I’m still not wearing a speedo.”

“Damn. What about the shorty-short-shorts?”

“If you want.” I chuckled.

Pinkie fist-pumped. “Yes! You know, It’s been eons since I’ve even seen one.”

I cocked my head at her and gave her a funny look, pointing just below where my belt should have been. “One of these?”

“These what?”

“Deez nuts; hah, got ‘em, but I meant a penis.”

“I know, I just wanted you to say the thing.” She giggled shortly before sighing. “But yeah, it’s been awhile. Max used to visit pretty often before he put you on Arkaid, and after you left, he kept it up, but we just didn’t do much more than cuddle.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I still don’t know if Fluttershy even wants sex in her life.” I replied ruefully.

“At least she’s not dead.” Pinkie said harshly.

“Max isn’t dead.” A voice whispered.

Pinkie froze and started looking around, her hair whipping back and forth. “... Hello?”

“She’s not gonna answer.” I stated.

She turned her gaze to me and looked at me like I was crazy. “You know who that was?”

I squinted at her. “You don’t?”

“Jameson, I’ve never heard that voice, ever.” She replied, more than a little creeped out.

“... Huh. I just assumed that everyone knew Uror.”

“... How do you know Uror?” Pinkie asked carefully.

I blinked at her. “Uh… I… I don’t actually know. I just recognized her voice.”

My best friend looked up and said, “Noir? Can we talk for a moment?”

There was no answer, making Pinkie rub her chin. “Huh. I guess Noir’s busy.”

“Who dat ho is?”

“Dat ho’s the woman who made Max into a killing machine.” Pinkie said amusedly.

“Oh. So don’t even like, think of calling her a ho to her face.”

She nodded. “Only if you’re super suicidal.”

“Or if I like you. I do not know you, thus I do not like you.” A tall, dark blue woman with a Princess-style effervescent mane said.

I cocked my head to the side and stared at her. “... How long have you been there?”

“I was always here.” Noir replied evenly, turning her head to look at Pinkie. “You wanted to discuss something?”

“Yeah! Like why does your girlfriend know that my husband isn’t dead!?” Pinkie huffed.

Noir blinked. “You thought Max was dead? Why?”

“Because Twilight killed him!” Pinkie said, stressing every word.

Noir straight up laughed. “Oh my, that certainly is a humorous joke, Hug Bunny. Twilight could never kill Max. Even when she was Brume she never actually hurt him.”

Pinkie glared at Noir with tears in her eyes. “Keep laughing. I dare you.”

Noir straightened up immediately. “Oh. Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

Noir touched her face. “... But… I would have known…”

“Not if Twilight killed Roxy first.” Pinkie sniffed, rubbing her eyes.

“... Is Twilight-”

“She’s not coming for me. She doesn’t have a reason to.” My best friend said morosely.

“A small silver lining then.” Noir murmured. “Pinkie, I am sorry for your loss.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. “You knew Max almost as long as I did. I-”

“You were close to him in a way I was not, Pinkie.” Noir admonished gently. “We both loved Max, but I have lived through far more painful losses than that of Max, even as much as he meant to me.”

“Right…” Pinkie sighed.

“So we’re just going to ignore the person who said Max wasn’t dead?” I asked.

Pinkie gave me a sad look. “Even if he’s not, Max isn’t the Max I knew now. I felt something that was almost like what I remembered, but it started changing before it really caught my attention, so it probably wasn’t Max…”

I shrugged. “Why not just break some rules and dive for him in the Ether?”

“Gods don’t go to the Ether when they die, and Max isn’t in Heaven or any of the Hells, Jay. I’ve even looked into the Void, and no one knew who he was.”

Noir made a derisive noise. “Pure foolishness.”

“I had to try, Noir. At least to say goodbye…” She whispered.

The tall one’s gaze softened as she went over to give Pinkie a hug. “Wherever Max is, you know it’s better than what he was living through. What he’s lived through.”

“I know…” Pinkie sighed exhaustedly. “I just don’t wanna think about it anymore.”

“Lemme shove my tongue down your throat and you won’t have to worry about it.” I chimed in.

Noir gave me a look, but Pinkie smiled and chuckled. “That sounds a little extreme.”

“Fine, lemme wrestle with your tongue and we’ll see who wins.” I gave her a wink.

Noir scoffed. “I see that you are in a Jester’s presence. I believe my presence would only make things awkward if I lingered further.”

“Feel free to take Twilight’s jaw with you when you leave.” I said, pointing at it.

“Ewww! Get it out of my room!” Pinkie squealed.

Noir snapped her fingers, and both she and the toothy thing were gone, leaving me to get hit a bunch of times by Pinkie. “Don't! Leave! Body! Parts! In! My! Room!”
“Ow- I- Ow- Okay- Ow- Pinkie- Ow! Stahp!”

She hit me one last time and huffed. “There’d better not be any blood left on my floor by the time I pick an outfit for after our shower!”

“What part of Arcadian culture lets you abuse a man who's done nothing to you!?”

“The part that says ripping someone’s jaw off is a bad!”

“Fair point. Still, stop abusing me. I don’t hit you.”

Pinkie gave me a womanly look. “That’s because I’d put you on your back in two seconds flat if I actually wanted to hurt you.”

“And I could set you on fire, but I don’t that either.” I shot back.

“... Okay, I don’t like being on fire.”

“And I don’t like being hit.” I said, snapping the fingers on my right hand, making her floor slightly more porous for a bit to let the blood soak in before covering it up. I was close enough to get the blood gone, but I had to walk a few steps to get close enough to Transmute the floor back into something that looked like it wasn’t a patch-job.

“Truce?” Pinkie asked.

“Seal it with a kiss?” I inquired.

She gave me a flirty smile. “You know, if anyone other than the two of us went through the events of the last hour, they’d probably be crying, dead, or confused about how we keep going from mushy-gushy to murdery-depressiony stuff.”

“Good thing neither of us count as anything close to normal, I said, puckering up.

Pinkie gave me my smooch and the deal was sealed. “I’m closer to normal than you are, Peg-Arm the Handy.”

I shot her a dirty look. “And someone could’ve prevented it from happening so soon.”

“It wasn’t my place to interfere.”

“But it was your place to come and whoop my ass for it?” I asked blandly.

“Eeyupseedoodles!” She replied cheerily.

I gave her a bored look. “That’s it.”

“Hmm? Are you gonna do something about it?” Pinkie taunted.

With nerves of steel, I tackled her and picked her up before carrying her over to her bed
so I could slam her as hard as I wanted without hurting her. Pinkie bounced with a ‘Wee!’ and I mounted her so she wasn’t getting up. “Wanna play the Wangle Dangle Game?”

“Sounds like a game,” I snorted hard, “we should play,” I hocked the lugie, “Jameson, I swear to God.” She warned flatly.

I swallowed and chuckled until Pinkie rolled us over and straddled me, pinning my arms above my head. “You’re such a butt, you know that:?”

“It’s a part of the charm, I swear!” I laughed.

Pinkie’s smile faded slightly. “It really is. I guess I just like a proper goofball.”

“I didn’t mean to-”

She kissed me with a smoldering passion rather than a fiery one. “Shower. Now.”

“Good. You’re starting to get smelly~” I teased, bringing a little more levity to the situation.

Pinkie smiled and nibbled on my lip by way of approval for a few moments. “... I want you to do something for me from now on.”

“Name it, and I’ll probably stop asking for anal.”

“Nah, I actually like toys, just not the real thing. No, I was going to ask you to start calling me Diane from now on.”

I looked at her. “Sure thing, Diane.”

She blinked and her eyes went from a bright, sky blue to a darker shade, her hair falling into looser locks rather than the tight curls she’d had before. “Again.”

“Diane.” I said softly.

Her hair straightened further and her eyes had gone from a sky blue to a lightish royal blue. “One more.”

“... Diane.”

She closed her eyes one more time and opened them to reveal a beautiful navy blue in one eye and a brilliant, crazy looking electric blue in the other. Her hair had straightened to the point to where it was just really wavy and fell down past her shoulders, but she looked beautiful with her hair down. All I could do was blink a few times before smiling at her. “... Wow.”

“So I look good?” She asked.

“... You just renounced the Council, didn’t you?” I inquired a bit dumbly.

She sighed. “All good things come to an end, Jameson. I have a feeling that it might be beneficial to come with you since... “ Diane looked around. “Well… This world is hollowing. It’ll be gone soon enough, and I’m not really looking forward to that.”

I didn’t really know how to respond to that, so I said, “Guess we’d better get in the shower if we wanna take our time, then.”

She gave me a little peck. “Right? Aren’t we taking a road trip?”

I smiled at her. “Right after the shower.”

It was a good fuckin’ shower, lemme tell ya.

Author's Note

Fuck you. Pay Me.

Until we meet again, dear Readers.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Twenty-One: Ki-Aria

Chapter Twenty-One: Ki-Aria Ionatcha

✧❖☬❖✧

I like breakfast and all, and the Omelette I got from Celestia’s kitchens was fantastic, but nobody could really shake the somber mood other than myself and I, which was a touch unfortunate. Downright unlucky. I wished that the woman I’d become so enamoured with hadn’t seemed to be the conquering Empress type, though I was somewhat sure that it was half the charm of her. I liked the power and elegance that the woman possessed, so I decided to aim for her heart. I kept that little tidbit to myself since everyone else was rather solemn when they ate, making breakfast a very sober occasion. Well, it would have been if it weren’t for the several bottles of breakfast wine that were popped when the hens started clucking in earnest. My head felt a little funny as the yammering droned on and on before I got tired of listening, but it was little more than a tickle if anything.

Without any interest in listening to them be scared of my sweet Empress, I wandered off for a while with Cluck en tow. We walked along the halls of the castle that were filling in as the Sun rose unassailed for a good while before some well-meaning guard stopped us and asked, “Sir! Do you have a leash for your dog?”

I looked at Cluck. “[Do you need a leash?]אתה צריך רצועה?”

Cluck looked up to me. “[I don’t know what that is.]אני לא יודע מה זה.”

“[Stay close, okay?]ללא שם: להישאר קרוב, בסדר” I requested.

“Sir, are you… Are you talking to your dog?” The guard asked, clearly weirded out.

“One moment.” I looked back to Cluck. “[People would lose their minds if they saw you just out and about, so stay pup distance instead of hunting distance.]אנשים יאבדו את דעתם אם יראו אותך בחוץ, אז תתרחק מהגורים במקום ממרחק הציד.”

“[Alright. This place smells funny.]בסדר. המקום הזה מריח מצחיק”

“[So do you, furball. You smell like ashes and burning flesh.]גם אתה , פרווה. אתה מריח כמו אפר ובשר בוער.”

“O-kay… You two have a lovely day.” The guard said, backpedaling already. “If anypony asks, your dog is a Service Dog.”

I nodded. “A Service Dog named Cluck.”

Cluck clucked.

The guard looked even more confused before nodding. “Alright then.” He then walked off rather quickly.

I dismissed his oddness as something of the Pony character and decided to find the gardens since I’d heard from Cheese Danish that they were supposed to be nice year round. I looked forward to being in a place full of color and life, so I found another servant and asked for directions. After a long, arduous list of twists and turns, halls and side-halls, landmarks and vases, paintings and windows, rooms and servants that would tell me that I’m near the Gardens drove me to do the thing I felt I was born to do from the moment I got a decent amount of control over it:

Fly.

The nearest open window wasn’t far, which I found by talking to the long-winded-est maid ever, but I still had plenty of time to take off, scouring the castle ground for the gardens. With the wind beneath my wings that happened to be literally made out of the wind itself (Incestuous much?), I soared in an ascending spiral around the castle for a few minutes, having found the Gardens after the first couple. Flying was quickly becoming second nature the longer I spent in the air, or at least so I thought. I realized when I was above the clouds once more that if I got into flying, I would just keep going higher and eventually strangle myself from the lack of oxygen above the clouds. However, this time I managed to land on a large puffy one that seemed to be iridescent, which was odd. I knew the morning had been foggy and that the rising Sun might make a rainbow, but the cloud seemed to be glowing with a near ethereal light. It was odd to say the least, but it seemed as good a place as any to blow some time.

I wandered around the cloud aimlessly before I felt a shift in the wind, a tug at my gut. Something was telling me to look behind me, so I did and saw a woman standing some distance away. Her shortish dark brown hair grew lighter in the light of her staff, but I could only see half of her face. The woman seemed too Human to be from Equis, so I figured that she was either a goddess or a Demi-Goddess of some sort. With no reason to bother her, I took off again and swooped back down to the castle to find that I was being searched for and got shuttled off to the Court Hall post-haste, though I had a sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to go and talk to the Demi-Goddess and ask her a question or two. However, the woman looked a little too familiar for comfort, so I was happy to not bother her for once since knowing someone from Terra could mean something far worse than Ultimate-God Twilight descending to Equis for a chat with me.

After I got to the Court Hall, I got a terribly boring, unmistakably ignorable lecture from Celestia about disappearing out of nowhere which ended with, “... How do you expect to go to Minosia if you barely even care about what’s going on here, Garrison?”

I blinked myself back to the realm of the living and said, “By smashing through a window and killing him in broad daylight.”

“... My stars, you’re an actual idiot.” Celestia said numbly.

“It’s the stupidest, least likely plan to work. It’s brilliant.” I replied

“Garrison, was that seriously your plan?”

“No, you daffy dolt. I was going to scale the walls and find a conveniently open window. If that didn’t work, then I was going in through the window. Foolproof.”

“A fool you surely are.” She said flatly. “Garrison, I can’t send you to Minosia knowing that you’re intending on doing some half-baked plan as a back up.”

“Can you send me to Minosia knowing that there was no meat at breakfast? I eat meat. I’m sure there’s meat in Minosia, and if there’s none there, then I need to go hunting here. I’m awfully tired of not consuming the flesh of my prey.”

“You’re a polite barbarian.” Celestia groaned.

“At least I’m polite.”

“At the very least.” She huffed. “From now on I need you to either stay in the castle’s ground or within our airspace so I can call upon you when I need you. Are we clear?”

“What’s in it for me?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“Would you like to keep your teeth?”

“Yes.”

“Then come when I summon you.”

“Maybe.”

“Would you do it for a cookie?”

“Is a cookie meat?”

“No”

“I don’t believe I would. However, should you choose to contact me for the Minosia mission, send a letter. I’ll get it before it hits the ground.”

She rolled her eyes. “You insist on being difficult, don’t you?”

“I’m good at it, or at least so I hear.” I said, ignoring the knocking that was happening on the large doors behind me.

Celestia glanced at the door, her ears flicking. “Did you hear that?”

I carried the wind from beneath the door and heard,‘Miss, should I knock? I don’t think they heard you, and I would hate for you to hurt your hands.”

“Ah, we have a visitor.” I said to Celestia.

Her eyes seemed to be a little glossy as she said, “I see. She looks like another one of your kind, Garrison. Here’s hoping that she’s more pleasant.” She added drily.

“I’m plenty pleasant.” The most pleasant person in the room said pleasantly as he went to get the door. “You yourself said that I was polite.”

“I also said that you were a barbarian, and you know I can permit her entry, correct?”

“I do, but what fun would that be? I have a feeling I know who it is anyway.” I replied, louder knocks sounding this time.

Celestia sighed. “Another one of your Guild Members?”

“Nope. She’s a Priestess.” I jumped the final few steps to the door and let the wind carry me back down to the floor because I’d used it to take off. I didn’t want to ruin my knees or anything. One has to take care of their body if they want it to take them into old age.

When I opened the door, I came face to face with a guard who was quickly pushed aside by the woman I’d seen earlier. “Excuse me, Mr. Guard!” She said, gently shoving him out of the way.

He gave her a big goofy smile with pink pupils in his eyes, vaguely in the shape of Amelemme’s hearts. “Of course, Miss. If there’s anything else you need, I’ll be close.”

“And me!” Said another nearby guard, which was chorused by the rest of the men that were present in the hall. The Priestess sighed and gave me a ‘What can you do?’ kind of smile before turning to her captive audience with a smile. “Thank you all so much for guiding me here. Blessings of Amelemme upon you all, and may Xana’s bliss bring you home!”

There was a chorus of goodbyes as the woman waving her new supporters off and allowed me to guide her into the Court Hall. She looked around with a small smile, making me ask, “Tell me, Love. What’s your name?”

She looked back to me with slightly rosy cheeks. “Oh! I’m so sorry, to think I would forget to introduce myself, even if you aren’t Her Majesty. Would you mind if I saved my introduction for when we speak with the Princess? Just to save from repeating myself.”

I gestured toward Celestia. “Let’s converse, though I have a feeling I won’t be in your presence much longer.”

We started walking again and the Priestess followed me closely, taking a good look at the Court Halls grandiose decor. She didn’t look terribly impressed, though she did seem to appreciate everything and the time put into making things look nice. “You know, rarely do you find a castle so well kept. Even in Godsholm.”

“You would think that the servants would have little other to do in Godsholm than clean, if servants even exist there.”

“They don’t~” She sang happily. “Ever since Xana flipped out over Vio helping Dissida plant one of her seeds of Malevolence in Xana’s garden, no one dares to force someone to work under them. It’s actually been quite the time in Godsholm if you’re unlucky enough to visit early.”

“Meh. I went to Hell and after the first four hundred or so years it wasn’t too bad. I can imagine that Godsholm is a little nicer.”
‘

The Priestess fell flat on her face and I heard a little crack when she fell. I assumed that she tripped over her flowing robes, but as I went to help pick her up, I couldn’t help but find the feeling natural. Sure, I liked helping people, but I felt like I’d already picked the poor girl up off her face once or twice before and it made me chuckle. “Are you alright, Lover?”

She sat up on her knees and pouted. “Darn it! That’s the first time in seven years!”

“Sorry to witness such an incredible streak end.” I snorted, passing her a handkerchief that Celestia had bought me to her.

I saw the devil who’d given me the handkerchief making her way toward us as the Priestess said, “Don't make me darn you, darn it! I can sew a blackberry back together!”

That was familiar too, but I couldn’t place where I’d heard it before. I found it to be an endearing little thing nonetheless and rubbed her back. “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing because of you. There’s a distinction.”

“Garrison, stop torturing my guest and go bother somepony else for awhile.” Celestia ordered.

“Your guest is currently bleeding from the face and I’m trying to comfort her.”

“Garrison? My brother’s name was Garrison!” The Priestess said cheerfully, albeit nasally.

“What a coincidence. I had a sister who worshipped Amelemme devoutly before she passed.” I said pleasantly.

“What was her name?” She asked.

“Ari or something of the sort. I’ve forgotten a lot of things over the past thousand years.”

“What a coincidence! My name is kinda like Ari! I mean, it’s Ari with an extra ‘A’, which would make that Aria, but you know. It’s close, right?”

I nodded along. “The world sure is small.”

“Isn’t it though? Next thing you know, Celestia’s going to have just sent away the Emissary of Dissida!” Aria giggled.

“No, but she did try to. Do you need to speak to me for some reason?” I asked politely.

The Priestess of Amelemme blinked at me. “I’m supposed to send him back to Hell for killing people. You don’t smell like blood or death.”

“I don’t think I’ve killed anything since I’ve been back on Equis. I did a lot of killing in Hell though.”

“Ah, no, that wouldn’t do it. Are you sure you’re Dissida’s Emissary? I mean, you’re awfully polite to be that looney’s underling.” Aria said, puckering her lips and sucking her cheeks in, which was another familiar gesture.

“I sexually assaulted her until she became my slave, if you want the abbreviated story.” I said plainly.

“Now, Garrison, you know full well that sexually assaulting people is very wrong.” Aria chastised.

“It was better than letting her torture me for another six hundred years.” I replied drily.

“... Fair point, but I have a counterpoint! What if, and this is just a suggestion here, you didn’t act like a Poopbutt?”

Yet another familiar thing came out of Aria’s mouth, so I gave her a look. “Stop saying things that give me a headache, Buttworm.”

Aria gave me a stern look. “Only Garrison Gadai is allowed to call me a Buttworm!”

“What about Garrison Varas?” I asked, raising my chin at her.

She blinked and let the hand holding the kerchief to her face drop, no more blood falling as a look of consternation crossed her face. “Your name is Garrison.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re Thieves Guild affiliated.”

“Also true.

“You had a little sister named Aria.”

“She was a cute little bugger.” I sighed.

“Am I cute?” Aria asked.

I waved my hand side to side. “In a little sister sort of way. You’re plenty pretty, but I’d rather hug you than kiss you, if you know that that means.”

“I’m aware.” She said idly. “Thank you for affirming the platonic undertones.”

“You’re welcome. I was sure that a Priestess of Amelemme would have some sort of vow of chastity in place, anyways..”

“You guessed correct!” She gave me a familiar smile that made my heart melt.

I gave her my warmest smile in turn. “Would you like a hug?”

“I always want a hug!”

“That’s so peculiar! I practically had to beat my sister away from strangers with a stick because she was so huggy.” I said, chuckling at the random memory.

“That’s so odd! My brother always scolded me for being too trusting in Malic!”

“Heya, I grew up in Malic!”

“So did I! Life sure is odd, isn’t it?”

“It sure is.” I said, exchanging a hug for a hug with Aria before looking to Celestia. “Can I go take a nap now?”

“Well, I kinda have to whack you once or twice before you can take a nap.” Aria said regretfully. “It’s pretty much custom for the Emissary of Dissida to get whacked by the Emissary of Amelemme once or twice as a show of good faith.”

Bullshit. Pure bullshit. “Well, I haven’t done anything to you.”

“I’ll let you whack me back just as hard as I whack you. Trust earned for a promise kept?”

I snapped my finger and pointed at her. “My sister used to quote that verse all the time. I guess, if you’re going to be all cute about it, I could withstand a whack or two.”

“Two whacks and that’s it!” Aria spat on her hand and extended it.

We did a spit-shake and the deal was sealed. Aria wiped her hand off on her robes and I did mine on my pant leg because hygiene, subsequently bracing for a good whack. As it turned out, even swinging with both hands, Aria really wasn’t suited to whacking people. I took pity on her and decided not to whack her back too hard, trying to adjust my power to that in which she hit me with, but I still ended up making her stumble with a few casual swings. The look of betrayal she gave me was sweet and innocent.

“Ow. Poopbutt.” Aria grumbled.

“Aww, my little Robin, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” I said apologetically.

She gave me the goofiest glare I’d seen a grown woman give. She honestly looked like a little kid as I handed her staff back to her. “I might not know any Hexes, but I can put an extra finger somewhere inconvenient and obvious! I’ll make you a… A-A-” She pointed at Celestia. “I’ll put your new finger on your forehead!”

“Does someone need a hug?” I asked softly.

“What’s even going on right now?” Celestia muttered, getting ignored by Aria and I because we were the important ones.

“Let me whack you again!”

“I’ll give you a hug~” I offered, spreading my arms.

She ‘glared’ harder. “You’re in for a whackin’, Mister!”

“Aria, don’t whack your brother.” Celestia sighed exhaustedly.

She ‘glowered’ at Celestia. “Hush! This is between me and Garrison!”

Celestia gave her a look. “Are you just going to-”

Aria tried to whack me and I caught her staff with little trouble. She wasn’t much compared to Dissida, even if there were Combat Priestesses within Amelemme’s ranks. I just doubted that Aria was one of them in the first place. “Darn it! Let me whack you!”

“Why would I let you hurt me? Also, you’re forsaking Amelemme’s teaching with each attempted attack, you know. Stop making a mule of yourself, Robin.”

I made sure to look her in the eyes as her anger petered out quickly, marking her as the type to never get terribly upset in the first place, nor stay upset long. “... Fine.”

I let go of her staff and smirked at her. “For a Priestess, you sure are immature.”

She stuck her tongue out at me as if to prove my point and started giving me the cold shoulder, looking at Celestia. “There’s one more thing I was sent here to do.”

Celestia sighed. “Yes, Aria, sister of Garrison?”

Aria nodded slowly. “Yes, that is my brother’s name, but anyway. I was sent here to ask you to adopt me! How would you like to be my first ever Mommy?” She asked excitedly.

Celestia stared at her for at least a minute before dragging her gaze away, drawing it to me and jabbing a finger in Aria’s direction, saying, “Garrison Varas, that is your sister.”

I looked at Aria. “Are you?”

Aria shrugged. “Iun-no.”

“Neither do I. What was your nickname for your brother?” I asked.

Aria looked away. “Well…”

“Did he tell you not to tell anyone?”

“Yes.” She said pouting. “And it’s really cute too!”

I gave her a dull look. “I swear to Dissida I’m going to go and do a thing or something if you call me Sonny.”

“Sonny!” Aria gasped, her eyes lighting up like an oil-doused pyre.

“Hug now?” I spread my arms.

“Finally!” Celestia groaned.

Her word (Singular) didn’t matter as Aria and I hugged each other, squeezing each other for the second time in a weird, indescribable amount of time, which was kind of like the first time, but better because I actually knew she was my sister then. It was a nice feeling to be sure, but it was a little diminished by the fact that I’d been aware of her existence for a good hour by that point. Still, it was a great hug and Aria was misty-eyed by the time we parted. Celestia agreed to delay the mission to Minosia for a day or two so I could spend some time with my previously dead sister. The first place I just had to take her was the cream ice shop that someone- Wait, I think it’s ice cream in Equestria… What was it again?

[Ice cream.]

Got it in one. Alright, so I was taking Aria to get some ice cream when she saw a toy in a shop’s window that grabbed her attention and kept it long enough to make her wander away from me. The trinket turned out to be a fuzzy looking bunny that was small enough to carry around for the rest of the day, so I asked her if she wanted it, as any financially able brother would do. Rather, any loving, financially able brother. Her face turned from elation to sadness to confliction all in the space of a few seconds, the reason being her Code of Honor. If she were to receive a gift from me, she would have to first give it to Amelemme and hope that she would return it. I was willing to take the risk since I figured that Amelemme wouldn’t take a gift given out of love, but I bought an extra one just in case the Goddess turned out to be a bitch.

Speaking of, she got to keep the one she really wanted and Amelemme apparently thanked me for the second one, the Seal branded into Aria’s palm allowing her to give it as offering right away. When Aria and I actually arrived at the sweet shop that was selling the cream ice- Er, ice cream, I had to ask, “What’s working under Amelemme like?”

Aria giggled and smiled happily while we waited in line. “We~ll, it’s probably just a smidge better than working for Dissida.” She taunted.

“I own Dissida. Don’t spread that around, but it’s true.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about your lecherous tactics.” She huffed, moving up in line, hugging her pastel purple bunny. “Why would you even do that?”

“As much as you saw in Terabithia, there was worse out in the streets of Malic.” I said, giving her a sad little smile.

She pouted up at me. “I don’t see why everyone always tells me to stay out of Avalesch business! It’s the only business I can help with!”

“It’s the worst kind of business, Robin.” I replied as gently as I could. “Things no one wants a heart as pure as yours to be tainted by are all that walk those lands.”

She blew her cheeks out and glared at the floor. “I’m not that innocent! I saw a wiener once!”

We got some looks for that, but that didn’t discourage me from asking, “Who’s wiener was it?”

Aria sighed. “... Yours.”

“That’s what I thought.” I said flatly. “Seeing your sibling’s set doesn’t count.”

“That’s not fair!”

A white Stallion with pink cheeks and a bi-toned blue mane tapped her on the shoulder, so she started pouting at him instead of me. “Um, Miss? I don’t think anypony wants it to count.”

“Well, I’m not a Pony!” She huffed haughtily.

I bit back an amused smile. “Aria, Robin, you’re under a vow of chastity. You’re not exactly supposed to be looking for them anyway.”

“Nuh-uh! Do-Dessi says that we can look and suck, but we can’t-”

I clapped a hand over her mouth. “I will hit you.” She licked my hand and it worked about as well as it used to, earning her a flat look. There were an awful lot of whispers going on and more than a few giggles to be heard.

Aria still glared at me as I took my hand away. “Poopbutt.”

“Buttworm.”

This time it was me who got tapped on the shoulder. However, instead of being a stallion, it was an aristocratic-looking Mare with a multi-coloured mane and pink fur giving me a little smile. “Excuse me, but you’re holding up the line.”

“Apologies, Miss. Aria, let’s get some cream ice.”

“You know I don’t like cream ice as much as you do.” She whined.

I looked back at the Mare who’d tapped my shoulder. “There are how many flavours here?”

“There are different flavours?” Aria inquired, perking up.

The Mare smiled at her a little more warmly than she’d smiled at me. “There are dozens of flavours, Sweetie. I really do suggest the Quadruple Chocolate Fudge-Chunk-Brownie-Devil Cake Bonanza. It’s a little heavy on the hips, but with a figure like yours, I’m sure you could pull it off just fine.”

Aria beamed like it was Trike’s Day, the supposed day when Avalesce was founded. “Really!? That’s so much cocoa!” She looked to me. “Do we have enough to afford all that!?”

I rolled my eyes and looked at the Mare. “We grew up poor and have been separated for some time. She doesn't know that I’m wealthy.”

The Mare gave me a knowing smile. “Sure you are, Handsome. And I’m willing to bet that the stick on your back is for your dear old Granny.”

I tilted my head. “Beg pardon? Why would a Grandmother-”

“Sir, can you just get some ice cream? I gotta do this all day, Dude.” The teenage Mare from behind the counter said rudely.

Aria sped over to the counter since she was apparently more fast than strong. She’d always been a slippery little brat whenever I’d tried to put her in a headlock. “Can I have the chocoletest thing with cream ice!?”

The Mare rolled her eyes at my sweet little Aria and I was tempted to shoot her. “So you want the Sextuple Chocolate Mudslide?”

Aria squealed like a girl half her age, which I assumed to be around twenty four or so. “There’s more!?”

“Dude. Look, you can-” The Mare at the counter started before some light gleamed in her eye, distracting her. “What the hay?”

“I’m sorry? Were you saying something?” Aria asked pleasantly.

The Mare just rolled her eyes again and looked at me. Caught the flash but not the steel. I still got it. “And for you?”

“Do you have something with coconut?” I asked pleasantly.

“We have The Busted Nut, Nuts n’ All, Creamy Nut, Chunky Nut, Deep Nut and plain versions of pretty much whatever nut you can think of.” She drawled.

“I’ve never had a nut busted in my mouth and I don’t think I’d like that anytime soon.” I commented idly, seeing ‘nut’ as another word for ‘seed’. “I’ll have the Creamy Nut please.”

She sighed and got Aria and I our cream ice, putting them into ‘waffle-cone bowls’ which were edible containers for the cream ice that were also pretty tasty. However, before we could leave, the Mare and Stallion that had been behind us asked us to wait for a few moments while they got their own orders, and once they got them, they invited us to go do something called ‘bowling’ with them, though they said they played with ten pins instead of nine. I’d always called it ninepins and so had every one I’d ever played with, so the term ‘bowling’ was actually a little new to me.

As they’d introduced themselves, Shining Armour and Cadance were a fantastically pleasant couple. They took their wins in stride and took part in making fun of me alongside Aria whenever I threw the ball down the lane and missed everything, which happened pretty often, all things considered. Shining said that it was because I was putting too much force and was throwing when I should have been rolling, but Cadance said that I should keep doing exactly what I was doing, and Aria agreed with her, so I purposefully made myself the butt of their jokes for the sake of a good time getting gooder. Shining took me aside for a little bit at the bowling alley for a few questions and a drink while my sister and his wife went off to play some of the other games that were available, though I doubted that Aria was going to know how to work any of the fascinating machinations. In fact, if it weren’t for Shining, I would’ve gone to try my hand at a couple of them myself, but alas. T’is a struggle to be so compellingly handsome.

As we sat at the bar, Shining took in my choice of attire, or rather, he made it obvious that he was looking. “So, Garrison. What kind of work do you do?”

“I might be a Ranger, but I don’t know. Celestia wants me to do a task for her, and I’ll probably do it.” I said noncommittally.

Shining nodded and sipped his drink. “Right. So you’re in service to The Crowns?”

“More like ‘The Crows’ sometimes, but yes.” I replied.

He raised a brow. “You know that was pure treason, right?”

“Probably, but I don’t remember what treason is. People keep telling me that I’m being the thing, but I don’t know what it is. I figured it wasn’t important because I didn’t remember what it was.”

“You’re a moron.”

“You are, good Sir, a fart. A passing of gas. A cheeky breeze, if you will.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “You’re every bit as immature as your sister, just in a different way.”

“I’m not immature. I’m senile. Celestia even says so, so bleh!”

“... Dear stars above, Garrison, you’re my age?”

“I’m one thousand and twenty-six years old.”

“Say that again for me, please.”

“I’m one thousand and twenty-six years old.”

Shining tapped his horn a few times. “Is this thing on?”

“It looks like it’s on. Can you try flipping it down?” I asked patiently. He gave me a look, but before he could say anything, I asked, “Why is it so hard all the time? Are you just perpetually horny?”

“... That was actually pretty clever, but no.” He said, chuckling a little.

“Is it embarrassing that your wife’s horn is longer than yours?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

Shining closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Aria is so much cuter than you. She’s just like Twily.”

“Aye, that she is. I like Twilight.”

His eyes snapped open and he stared at me. “You’re that Garrison!?”

“If you mean the one she accidentally sorta-kinda brought to Equis, then yes.” I nodded once to affirm my words.

“... If you hurt her-”

“I want to protect her from people the same way you do. The platonic way. But now that I have my little sister back, I want her to meet your little sister. I think they’d get along well.”

“How about we trade partners for a little bit and you get to know Cadance a little better?” Shining asked.

“Wow, I didn’t think I was that annoying.” I said placidly.

“You know full well that you’re a bucking nuisance.” Shining said antagonistically.

I gave him a half-lidded smile. “Cadance didn’t seem to think so.”

He rolled his eyes again. “She’s the Princess of Love. She likes everypony.”

“Then why did she cop a feel before we got out of the cream ice shop?”

Shining glared at me. “Now you’re treading on thin ice.”

I dropped my smile. “Keep talking shit, Bruv. I’ve been killing shit a lot scarier than your high-white-light-bright arse for a long time. Nailing you to a tree and making your wife my slave in front of you isn’t beneath me.”

He licked his lips. “Oh yeah? Is that what you’re gonna do, tough guy?”

“... Dear Lord, that’s your fetish, isn’t it?”

“Big time.”

“Fucking Dissida in Blissidis.” I sighed. “You’re a fucking freak.”

“Hay, she’s into it. I’m into it. We just need somepony who’s blase with their treatment of royalty, can be discreet, and has somepony we can take as collateral.” Shining smiled at me disturbingly.

I smiled back, gazing into his eyes. “Do you really dare?” Four.

“Why-” Mmm~ You look strong. Hit me, you bully! “I do dare, Garrison. I do indeed. I can tell that you care about your long lost sister very much. What a shame it would be for her to fall ill a second time. ‘Call my bluff.’

… Well that was a little quicker than usual… I chuckled and kept smiling. “You wouldn’t die until I had her. It would be a mercy by then.”

“Ah, think you’re really tough, do ya?” He asked. ‘Do it. I dare you. I double dog dare you!’

I got up and he snatched my arm. “Ah, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Shining let me go. “They’re already gone.” ‘Probably into the Mares Room, but I can wait for a taste of that sweet, young puss-

I decked him with everything I had right there on the spot. No one lusts after my little sister. Shining propped himself up on the bar, shaken by the sucker punch, but he had two more coming before I let him go. “Take note; Aria is a Priestess. She is pure. Taint her and I will personally send you to Hell.” I growled. “Understood?”

He held up a thumb, which was good enough in my books.I wandered off to go find Aria and Cadance, which lead me to a secluded corner of the ‘arcade’. They were talking and Aria seemed a little uncomfortable, subtly trying to get out of the corner while Cadance mirrored her every move. Then Big Brother stepped in.

I put a hand on Cadance’s shoulder and she turned, giving me a smile. “So? Did you agree?”

“What was I supposed to be agreeing to?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Being my Bull, of course.” She said quietly, furrowing her brow. “Did Shining not tell you?”

“He threatened to kidnap my sister if I didn’t agree.”

“Ooh, straight to Plan F, or…?”

“Straight to Plan Failure. He’s semi-conscious at the bar.” I said drily.

“Garrison!” Aria cried. “I have to go check up on-”

“Go near him and I’ll just kill the bastard.” I said icily.

“... That’s not very nice.” She replied slowly.

Cadance licked my jaw while I was distracted, which irked me as much if not more than Shining being such a cuckold. Don’t like surprise licks from near strangers. Or from anyone. I mushed Cadance’s face away from me and said, “Go look after your bitch, you whorse.”

She gave me a lascivious smile and brushed the stray locks of her mane from her face, tidying her hair. “Don’t leave, handsome. If you do, you’re under arrest~”

“Under whose authority, exactly?” I asked, bored.

“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, at your service,” She gave me a shallow curtsy, “and if you’re big enough, I’ll be sure that it’s extra nice~”

I looked at Aria, both of us red in the face. She looked at me, the same shock in my eyes in hers. “You’re hearing this, no?” I asked.

“Amelemme guide me through these sultry times.” Aria said meekly.

“Oh, you’re invited-”

“Lay a hand on her and you die.” I snarled.

Cadance bit her lip. “See?That raw fury. That dominance. That ferality!” She purred.

“She’s lost her mind to Sylphis.” Aria said numbly.

“It seems like it.” I commented, much in the same state. “Go check on your husband, you absolute looney.”

“Hmm… Come with me?” She asked coyly.

Now, don’t mistake me for a prude. I’ve done a few morally, sexually questionable things with Dissida and a few Hellbeasts over the years- Heya, ya little shit! Don’t gag while I’m talking.

[You just said that you fucked rotting animals!]

Yeah, and? If you live as long as I have, you’ll probably fuck a canine or two.

[That’s so gross, Unc.]

Shut up and let me get back to the story, will ya? I swear, you used to listen so patiently.

[That was before you started telling me every little detail! I don’t need to know about your sex life! I’m your niece for crying out loud!]

How old are you again?

[Ugh. You left off on screwing the pooch in the most literal way. Sicko.]

Right. Prude. Anyway, Cadance was a beautiful specimen. She was most definitely the most classic, Touched on Terra kind of pretty that was imaginable, and the sheer beauty within that in and of itself was remarkable. Rarely do you find someone so fitting for a single category of the triangle that they could bleed into another effortlessly, but then there was Cadance. Now, Twilight, another Princess and not the one I was deeply, madly enamoured with, was incredibly cute. So much so that she leaned into the pretty spectrum. Luna? Luna was probably the hottest piece of tail with an actual tail that I’d ever seen until laying eyes on Cadance, and that was saying something.

I recognize classically good-looking women in any form. Vex, my surrogate mother, was ugly as sin. Sinthia, the woman who almost sold me into slavery, was hotter than a lit match. Maud was a bit of Plain-Jane kind of pretty rather than being any of the usual three descriptive words, and Amaretta was an upgrade from there, but I had to say that Cadance was a real looker. However, Sunshower’s freckles were so adorable. I fully intended on taking her, then Dissida, then working my way into Twilight’s heart so I could have three pleasant women at my side. It sounded like a nice existence, but with Cadance almost literally throwing herself at me, I would have had to have been an actual, true blue fool to miss an opportunity to lay a Princess and punch a Prince whenever I wanted.

It was too good to be true.

I narrowed my eyes at Cadance. “Why me?”

“I could feel you.” She said, her tone dropping. “The sheer amount of darkness inside of you that hasn’t touched your base values… It’s intoxicating.”

“Corruption fetish?” I asked.

“May~be. If you come with me, you’ll find out.” Cadance gave me a conspicuous wink.

I shrugged. “Fuck it.”

“Garrison! You cannot possibly be thinking of laying a married woman!” Aria hissed, looking around at the empty room. The place was nearly deserted, after all.

“I’m not.”

“Good!”

“Aww.” Cadance sighed.

“That’s because I’ve already decided to do it.”

“Darn it, Sonny!” My little sister yelped. “I’ll open a jar of canes on you!”

I gave her a dull look. “I’m not going to up and do it now. I just want to spend time with you right no-ow!”

Aria gave me a big hug that actually hurt a little, despite her weakness with her staff. “Exactly! The only person you should be looking at right now is your little sister!”

“Oh, I should’ve known Aria was more than just a little shy!” Cadance moaned. “She’s a virgin!”

“And proud of it!” My little sister huffed. “Every Priestess that’s even gave birth says that sex isn’t worth it!”

“I believe it, but then again, I don’t have the necessary equipment to complain about that particular thing.” I commented.

Cadance made a sad-ish noise. “Well, I guess it can’t be helped. Shall we go check on my husband?”

Aria said something along the lines of, “Ooh, ooh! Me first!” before zipping off to get to Shining ahead of whoever was going there second.

Surprise surprise, I didn’t give two shits about Shining, so it wasn’t me, but Cadance did try to chat me up on our way over to the bar, but when I gave her monosyllabic answers, she stopped within view of the bar. “Garri~son.” She crooned sadly. “Why won’t you pay attention to me?”

“Because you’re easy and I like a challenge.” I replied, starting to walk off.

She grabbed my arm, but I kept an eye on Shining. “You won’t even look at me? Oh, come on~” Cadance pressed her chest against me.

“I’ll disembowel you if he tries anything with my sister.” I swore darkly.

“Gary?” She crooned.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What about my Prince?” Cadance offered, kissing my jaw thrice this time.

“You have a Prince. I am your King.” I said.

“Yeah, no.” Cadance said flatly. I leveled a look at her and she raised a brow. “There are no Kings in Equestria. Not happening.”

I rolled my eyes. “Call me what you want, dumbarse. Just tell me why Shining is rocking back and forth.”

“It’s probably the cage~” She sighed dreamily. “I’ll bet your little sister has him in agony right now.”

“What?” I asked.

Cadance gave me a dark, sinful smile. “You see, there’s a little device that a bad, Beta-Stallion like my husband needs to stay reminded of his place, and it goes where most ponies won’t see it. You can understand how the expansion a Stallion goes through when he sees a Mare as pretty as your sister must get migh-ty uncomfortable~” She giggled.

“Dear God, what did I just get roped into?” I muttered to myself.

The new Princess giggled some more. “Something super fun, I assure you. Shall we?” She gestured toward her husband and my sister.

“I suppose.” I answered tersely.

Cadance gave me a cute pout. “I’m quite the catch, you know. Not only-”

“Does your voice sound like a thousand bees, your looks might be the only worthwhile thing about you.” I replied evenly.

“Alpha.” She purred. “Leader of the Herd.”

I casually stroked underneath her furry chin. “Do what I say.”

“What’s in it for me?” She asked.

“When’s the last time you climaxed?” I asked dully.

She smirked at me and raised a brow. “A month ago. And?”

I gave her an odd look. “... Was it a toy, or…?”

“If it was my husband I wouldn’t need a Bull.” Cadance said irritably, glaring at me.

I rolled my eyes extra hard for her mental handicaps. “Keep looking at me like that and I’ll just smack you around instead of fucking you. I don’t doubt that I could take Shining.”

“Neither do I, but you couldn’t take me.” She huffed. “You should be grateful that I’m even-” I grabbed a handful of her arse and gripped for dear life, making her hiss.

“You were saying?”

The steamy look she gave me told me that she didn’t really need to say anything else, but she kept talking. “Shining can’t lay a finger on your baby sister until I give him the word. Why don’t we… Slip away for a moment?”

I gave her a look I perfected after Dissida kept trying to stick her tail in my rear, which is to say that I stared her down and her confidence broke for a moment. “This is the first time I’ve seen my little Robin in one thousand and thirteen years. I’ll fuck you when I actually feel like it. It’s family time right now.” I snapped.

She started smiling again, but this time it lacked the sauciness of the previous ones. “I respect that a lot. We’ll be out of your mane soon enough, if you really want to pass up on a chance with-”

“I can get my rod swallowed by other women. I’ve never put much stock into royal blood anyway.”

Cadance grabbed my hand and I let her have it so she could place it against her cheek. At least, that’s what I thought she was doing. Instead, she wrapped my arm around her and placed her back against my chest, rubbing her ample bottom against me. “You’ve never had me. We’ll be staying at the castle tonight if you don’t decide to sleep with your little sister.”

I heard the implication and decided to ignore it. “I’ll be sure to find a nice cloud to sleep on then.”

She rotated in my arms and gave me a truly disheartened look. “... Is none of this doing it for you? At all?”

I raised a brow. “I don’t generally have my little sister around while getting hit on.”

“... So you’re not saying no, per se?” Cadance asked.

“I’m saying later.”

“... And you’re not doing it because you’re afraid of being arrested?”

“You couldn’t arrest me if you wanted to. Celestia’s interests serve the nation. I don’t remember ever hearing your name.”

“Oh. So you’re… Heh… One of Celestia’s consorts…” Cadance said, blushing for once.

“No, I’m one of her glorified errand boys with lethal tendencies.”

She laced her arms around my neck and I noticed that Shining was staring right at us. “As long as your not a consort, though it’s not like I’ve ever known her to take one.” Cadance sighed in relief. I put my hands on her hips and started to push her away, but Cadance gave me another look of pure sorrow that made me bring her closer instead. She smiled and said, “I knew you’d come around eventually!”

“Shining is looking at us.” I informed.

“Grab my flank.” She whispered, her voice seductive and enticing.

I did as I was asked, and now that I was less pissed and more in the mood to enjoy such a fine arse, I must say that it was wonderful. My fingers sank into the pillowy flesh and plush fur of her posterior, making her moan. “Nice. Garrison fond.”

“Mmm~ You have such strong hands.” She murmured.

I let her go and started walking toward Shining and Aria, getting at least one glare and one lusty look. The lusty look was from Shining, just to clarify. Cadance followed close behind, but Aria was already up and nagging within a few heartbeats of me leaving her side. “Garrison Gadai, you lecher! I can’t believe you, feeling up a proper woman in public!”

Shining, Cadance and I all looked around. “... Aria, there’s nopony here. The only ponies that are doing anything here are either bowling or working. I doubt we drew as much attention as you shouting just now.” Cadance said tenderly.

My little sister blushed faintly, but she was never one to get embarrassed easily. “Well, how is a Priestess supposed to hold her tongue in the face of adultery!?” She hissed as quietly as she could.

“... You’re in a cult?” The multi-coloured Princess asked evenly.

“No, I am the Emissary of Amelemme, the Goddess of Love and Compassion, Mothers and Children, Matron to all willing to raise their hands in defense of true peace! As her Emissary, I demand that you perverts keep it in your pants!” She raised her staff.

I took a sudden deep breath and blew the rod out of her hand before redirecting the gust and bringing the super fancy stick to me. “Pretty.”

“Son-ny⊰ “ Aria whimpered, Whine Magnitude 11 activated and grating on every available nerve. “Give it ba-ack⊰ ”

I plugged my ears. “Dear Gods, child! I will abuse you if you don’t knock it off!”

“Just give her the damn stick!” Shining barked.

Cadance fixed her with a stern glare. “Young Mare, if you don’t start acting your age, I will put you in a time out bubble.”

Aria put her hand out and I tossed her the staff, but hand-eye coordination was never Aria’s thing and I might have tossed it a little harder than necessary by way of forgetting that Hellbeast hearts probably made me somewhat stronger than I was before. Even then she almost managed to catch it. Watching it bounce off of her head wasn’t as amusing as watching her face explode in red. Aria might have been a little spitfire, but I’d had plenty enough time to learn her buttons and how to push them when we were hungry to get her mind off of the stomach pains when we were kids. She didn’t seem terribly different at the moment than she had when she was around ten or so, still full of life and love, so I figured that the same things would probably work to distract her.

“Robin, have you ever laid an egg?”

“Shush your mouth, you pudding-headed doran.”

I rolled my eyes. “אני לא יודע מה בדיוק אמרת, but I’m sure it was even meaner than being called a pudding head.”

Aria made a face. “Vulpha is such an ugly language.”

“Those noises were words?” Cadance asked.

I nodded. “It’s the tongue of Hellbeasts, a dialect of Vulmega. As far as I know, most animals of Godsholm speak Vulpha or Vulmega depending on their parents.”

“... So you can talk to animals?” Shining asked slowly.

I clapped my hands twice. “Cluck?”

“Cluck?” Cadance and Shining chorused.

Aria’s lip curled. “If you’re summoning a familiar, then so am I.”

“Just be sure to mask it properly. I’m pretty sure your familiar entranced all of those guards back at the castle.” I said accusingly.

She pouted at me, adding to my earlier feelings of her being a child in a woman’s body. “Maybe I’m just really cute!”

“She is.” Shining agreed, sneaking a glance at me.

“I’ll nail Twilight like a studded club if you lay a finger on my sister.” I growled, the wind picking up a little, reacting to my annoyance. “Aria; stop being cute. Stop. Stop it. Keeping guys away from you was hard enough when we were thin as horse-hair.” I grumbled.

Aria gave me a look. “Well, maybe I like to suck?”

With every fiber of my being, I was ready to shrink down so I could physically jump into her mouth and beat back the torrent of cocks that my poor, innocent little sister had probably been tricked into putting in her mouth. I gave her the gentlest of smiles and asked, “So who’s taken advantage of you like that, Ari?”

She blushed and looked at the floor. “W-Well, maybe it hasn’t been a priority… I shouldn’t have lied…”

“It’s okay.” I said sweetly. “Why don't you find a nice gal as sweet as yourself to court? Your vow of Maidenhood stays intact and girls are more fun to hug than guys~!”

“Why do you want me to be a tribad so badly?” Aria huffed amusedly.

“I’m going to assume that means ‘gay’ and ask the same thing.” Cadance chimed in.

Whatever logic I’d had behind the decision needed to be put on the table then and there, so I switched on my Flash Face. “Isn’t it obvious? What better partner for a kind, pure soul such as Aria than a Priestess such as herself? The Priestesses of Amelemme are known for their gentle touch and compassionate nature, and I’m willing to bet that you, Aria, have plenty of tribad admirers as is. I’m not saying that you have to, but big brother always wished you would go to the Women’s Temple in Capersport.”

“I don’t follow. What if one of these Priestesses of Amelemme was mean?” Shining asked.

“We generally aren’t.” My little sister said, rubbing her cheek, giving him a concerned look. “We serve a Goddess of Love and Compassion. It’s not like we just go around hitting people willy nilly, you know. I whack Sonny because he’s a butt.”

“Love you too, Robin.” Yours truly chuckled.

True to form, Aria pouted some more. “Why have you called me Robin all these years? What’s wrong with Aria?”

I raised a brow. “Your hair is the same colour as a Robin’s plumage.”

She blew a few of the offending locks away from her eye, off of her brow. “It’s not that dull.”

“Robins are such pretty birds!” Cadance gasped. “I have a family of robins that often come home for the summer in the garden at my villa, and they’re always so friendly!”

“They are pretty nice when they’re not making nuisances of themselves.” Shining admitted.

“They’re just the cutest little things!”

“They’re loud.”

I looked at Aria.

“It feels like they’re always there to make a good day better!” Cadance sighed.

Shining rolled his eyes. “They’re also there all the time during the spring and summer.”

“Everypony loves robins!”

“Eh. They’re an acquired taste for a pony with patience.”

Aria glanced at me and shuffled her feet.

“They sound lovely in the mornings!” The Princess defended.

“At the crack of Celestia forsaken dawn.” The Prince droned.

“It’s especially lovely to have one or two land on you as you read!”

“If they’re not pecking you the entire time.”

My little sister glared at me. “Everything Cadance is saying is right, darn it! Robins aren’t annoying!”

“Taking it personally I see.” I replied. “I didn’t even say anything.”

“You’ve been staring at me!”

“I’m allowed to look, not touch, right?”

“... If I wasn’t devoted to Amelemme for giving me a place by her side, I would beat you with the symbol of her power and force some love into that bitter mouth of yours.” Aria said darkly.

“... Did you just threaten to mouth-rape your brother?” Shining asked, rocking back and forth a little.

Aria’s jaw dropped. She held her staff in front of her a couple seconds later and said, “Sweet Mother, Matron to All who would hear her call and obey her Edicts: I summon thy strength.”

I hid behind Cadance and grabbed her tail. “Stay still.”

“Staying still.” She said meekly.

“Silence the adulterer and free his mind from the sewers!” Aria said a little loudly.

“???” Shining asked.

Aria tapped her staff on the ground twice and and Shining blinked as many times. “I would never do such a thing to my brother, you cretin! Speak in expressions until you clean up that dirty mind of yours!”

“!!!”

Cadance put her hand over mine. “C-Can you let go of my tail now?”

“Why?” I asked.

“I-It doesn’t feel bad, but it doesn’t really feel good, to be honest with you.”

There was no reason to not let her go, so Mr. Nice guy came out to play. “Alright, but no funny business.”

As soon as my grasp released, Cadance whirled around and snuck a kiss. “Mine!”

I glared at her. “Wait.”

“Aww…” She drew a little circle on my chest before Aria smacked her rear and made her jolt away from me. “Yeep!”

Aria stood beside me and glared at Cadance and Shining. “It’s people like you that made my brother a sinner! We’re leaving!”

“In all fairness-” I started.

She squinted at me. “I’ll silence you too.”

With a roll of my eyes, I casually pushed her a little, making her take a single step. She still almost fell. “Careful, hölmö. I might have to giggle if you hit the floor.”

“Varic is better than Vulpha, I guess.” Aria huffed. “Say goodbye to your creepy friends, brother.”

I waved at the royal couple. “Farewell. I’ll see you later, with good fortune.”

Cadance placed a finger on her husband’s head, giving me a wink. “Don’t sleep with your sister.”

“Sweet Mother, Matr-aww!” Aria started her incantation, but I just fish-hooked her and made her knock it off.

“Bad Ari. Stop it.” Big brother scolded.

She rubbed her cheek and glared at me. “... Poo-pourri.”

“Fart-huffer.” I shot back.

“Stop talking!”

“Start walking.” I countered.

And so Aria did start walking, but she went to the arcade while I waited for her to come back to the bar to collect me as we left. Cadance and I had chatted for a little bit while she deconstructed my sibling’s silly spell, but by the time Aria had come back, we’d already come to the conclusion that meeting up was going to be fun for all parties directly involved. With a little fun in my future, I happily walked with Aria as she cooled down and spouted verses of Amelemme’s Testaments to me in some misguided attempt to bring me around to her mode of thinking. I listened more for politeness sake rather than any actual interest in giving myself to Amelemme. Aria either didn’t know or didn’t care that I was effectively her equal, if not more so just because Dissida herself is more powerful than a good number of the Gods.

As we walked, I asked Aria about life in Godsholm to get her mind off of my tasty, tasty sinning, and she told me a lot about it. She said that it was a flat world that would take you years upon years to walk all the way around, though it’s possible. There are places that can suck you into different realms that you have to avoid to travel safely, but if you’re under the service of a good God, you’ll likely be saved before you fall from the frying pan into the fire. However, fall out of favour and your arse is soul-feed for whatever beast managed to gobble you up. Or whatever god felt like eating you. Some of the fuckers are cannibalistic as far as souls go.

We continued on through the sprawling city that was Canterlot until I offered to show Aria the greatest joy I could: Flight. She agreed to take off with me, though she could hold her own in the air by way of some of her own Magicks. However, Aria needed a cloud to do anything, so I set her down on a decently small one that was about the size of a three-man raft, giving her a perfect place to get her stuff done so we could do the fun part. Unfortunately, we quickly learned that Aria was only faster than me on the ground, as evidenced by the fact that I kept accidentally leaving her behind during lapses in my attention. Eventually I just had to swoop her off of her cloud and carry her with me as I flew just to get a better feeling for the joys of flying as the wind blew.

Aria laughed and hollered as we soared and swerved, climbed and dived. The elation in the moment was picture perfect, a moment worthy of a thousand words as I realized that I was finally getting to see my sister again. My dearest, sweetest Aria, the one who’d brought me joy during so many dark days was back in my arms, looking healthier than ever, in a position of power with her Goddess of choice. My heart was full of euphoria as I let go of Aria and held aloft with my Wind Magic to let her feel as though she herself was flying. The fear of possible dropping her passed through my mind and I started flying slightly above her to her left to keep an eye of her, and with that, my heart was put to rest.

Then I woke up.

[What? Are you seriously pulling the dream sequence thing?]

These are life events, kid. It’s how it hap- Roll your eyes at me again and I’ll tell your Mom to ground your arse.

[Hardass]

Can I continue now?

[... Hmm… No.]

Doing it anyway. The next thing I knew, I was sitting up in an unfamiliar bed, fully clothed, but not in garments that I was familiar with. My tunic, and yes it was an actual tunic, was black and guild green, my trousers being black silk pajama pants from Equis. I ran a hand through my follicles and tried to remember what had just happened before I felt slender, smoother fingertips caress the underside of my jaw, making me shy away from the contact.

“Sweetlove~”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “You sold my soul.”

“You got it back.” She said soothingly.

“After being torn apart for hundreds of years.”

“Why do you think I bargained with Amelemme to let you have your sister again? Consider it my olive branch.” Furladra took my hand and held it against her heart. “It wasn’t a personal attack, Garrison, but you’re the one Dissida wanted, and with her influence, I was able to welcome Ladesa back into Godsholm. My daughter’s aspect resides in my court, her lesson having been learned long ago.”

I pulled my hand away from her and gave her a hollow glare. “Your betrayal is far worse than Ladesa’s.”

Furladra looked me in the eye. “I swear upon the Lake of Eternity, the Molten Sun, and the Immortal Forest that I will not willingly betray you again, Garrison Varas. The Guild allows for one mistake as long as the compensation is adequate, correct?”

“... Aria is my compensation?” I growled. “My sister, who was resting in peace, is not your damned BARGAINING CHIP!” I roared in her face.

Furladra calmly wiped the specks of saliva off of her face. “Then I’ll arrange for you to be able to visit her. Or to have her visit you. Whichever you’d prefer.”

“What. Part. Of-” I exhaled. “Why are you afraid of me?”

My former Matron seemed a little stuck for words. “... I’m not?”

I glared at her. “Then why do you want me back so badly?”

She gave me a tender, sorrowful smile. “I need a King, or at the very least an official Consort. Dissida and I share a problem in that regard since we haven’t taken vows of Maidenhood.”

“... What?”

“As goddesses, we are expected to marry, as are the gods. However, goddesses may only pick from their followers unless approached otherwise by a god. The men are cursed with a barely satiable lust that leads to all sorts of icky creatures and the women are cursed with a narrow selection.” The Queen of Thieves sighed. “I’ve been waiting for a good man to come along and I thought Desmond might’ve had what it took, but he lacked your devotion… Devotion that I squandered.” She sighed again. “Garrison…”

“Does it bother you that Ladesa is mine?”

“I know you’ll treat her well, even if you speak to her harshly. Even if you don’t, I still have my ways of protecting my little girl.” Furladra said, her eyes hardening.

“And if I sacrifice her to Dissida?” I challenged.

“As disliked as Ladesa is in Godsholm?” Furladra asked softly. “For as disliked as she is, Dissida would be lynched if she accepted it.” She finished with a growl.

“Did you tell Ladesa to kill me?”

“I didn’t tell her to do anything, but I told her how to get her Voima back.”

“And that was by killing me?”

“It was.”

A deep breath helped settle my thoughts into their proper places. “Visitation rights both ways. Aria can come to see me when it’s safe and I can come to see her when it’s convenient for her.”

“Consider it done.”

“Stop stealing Dissida’s clothes.”

“Ugh, fine.” The multi-thousand year-old being huffed like a teenager.

“You and Dissida are going to have to figure out wants me more, because I don’t really like either of you at the moment. Let me know whoever wins.”

“I want you more.” Furladra deadpanned.

“Not true! Master is mine!” Dissida shouted in my ear, wrapping her arms around me. Most of the snakes in her hair were hissing, which was odd because the only sounds that had been in the chambers was the soft sound of music before Dissida materialized.

“You call him your Master, I call him my equal.” Furladra said, raising her chin. “From the sheer intrinsic value, I win.”

Dissida growled. “All you’ve got are looks, seed-stain. I’ve got substance.”

“You’ve got scales, horribly dry skin, and a busted face. Your substance is literal rubbish.”

My current Matron kissed my cheek. “Have a good breakfast, Master. I’ll come for you when I’m done wiping the floor with your little consort.”

Furladra scoffed. “Don’t forget who actually tortured you before I come to see you, okay, Sweetlove?”

I sighed deeply as my head throbbed, making me close my eyes. “I need a drink.”

“Garrison? Finally feeling the mood?” Twilight asked.

She seemed concerned and a little rueful at first glance. As I looked around to see if I was in another illusion, I said, “I fucking hate Magic.”

⋬⍦⊛⍦⋭

The power was overwhelming. It was consuming, but I had ahold of it. At least, I could hold on for a few hundred more years. Or seconds. Maybe jiffs. I never knew. I didn’t know. It was hard to think, hard to process the information that was coming it. Existing everywhere in three universes at once, acting as Fate, acting as God… The edge of Existence… I know why Max never said anything about it. It’s not worth mentioning. I was lost there once. That’s where it comes from. It’s where it all comes from. That’s why it’s scary. I miss it terribly, and my family. The Nameless Ones. They understood without words.

Screaming. It never stops. My family ate the noise. They eat everything. They have it all. They keep it from collapsing, but I know why they’re scary. I love them, but they’re scary. They make me miss Mommy and Max. I miss Max. I miss Max.

I miss Max.

I miss Max.

I miss Max

I miss Max.

I miss Max.

Where is Max? I should ask the Nameless Ones. They have it all. They know, but they won’t tell me. I know too, but I can’t remember. I don’t know what I know anymore. I know too much, but my family knows more. I miss my Mommy. She didn’t know so much, but she would tell me what to do. The screaming doesn’t stop. Doesn’t it have anything better to do? The pale one with the green eyes. Like a murky crystal. He’s not Max. He’s screaming too, but he’s so quiet.

Pinkie.

Would Pinkie know what to do? Which Pinkie?

But what am I doing? I should ask my family. They love me just as I love them, but they won’t tell me. I have to hide and ask. Maybe I should write a note. I’ll write many notes. I should write notes to everyone! What will they say!? I have to make my notes! Spike should write it. He’s my family. He doesn’t know so much, and that’s good. He doesn’t scream like the screaming does. He whispers. My family whispers too, but they don’t tell me anything. Not anymore. Spike is my family, but he tells me things. He’ll know what to write on the notes.

Max would know better… Maybe Roxy… What was I doing? Where’s Max? Max will know. I should talk to Roxy sometime and find out where Max is. Roxy… Who is that? Who’s Roxy? I feel cold. Is that a feeling? I should ask my family. My family knows everything. They know it all, but they won’t tell me. They keep the secrets because they want to. I could know, Dammit!

I could know too!

I’d be the best at learning! I already am! I bet my family would listen if they weren’t so hungry. If they weren’t so busy. They have it all. They protect it. Like Max. Max could protect it all except for himself. Max is my… Max is mine. I need to protect him too! Where’d he go? I should ask Celestia if she’s available. No, my family will know. Mom is a part of my family. She screams, but she whispers too. Max screams. Roxy cries. I cry. The Nameless ones never say anything. Not to me. I’m not supposed to know, but I just forgot. They should remind me.

Why am I crying? It tastes salty. Salt is gross. Why isn’t salt sugar? Max, why isn’t salt sugar?

Hmm… He should’ve answered by now. Maybe he’s busy. My family is busy. They have it all, so they have to protect it all. Keep it from collapsing. Like me. I have to protect my stuff too. I have to keep my secrets, so I understand. I just wish I remembered what they were. The Nameless Ones. I should ask them. They would tell me to remember what I forgot if they weren’t so quiet. Or maybe they’re loud. The screaming doesn’t stop. I hear things sometimes. The screaming. The whispers. Max used to sing me lullabies when I couldn’t sleep. He used to dance with me. I remember Five Minutes More, but where are they? Where is Max?

I miss max

I miss roxy

Where am I?

My family knows

Am I screaming too?

I feel good. It feels bad.

Somepony… anypony…

₪ღ✮ღ₪

“So how are you gonna introduce me to your Moms?” Diane asked cheerfully as we walked the streets of Chatt.

“As my side ho.” I replied flippantly.

“A swift kick in the butt it is!” She huffed.

I rolled my eyes and took her hand to avoid getting hit by it. “It’s gonna be awkward to explain the multiple love-interest thing to my Moms, but it’ll be fine. I mean, what’s the- Nope. Almost fucked us both.”

“Are you superstitious like Max?”

“It’s not being superstitious when you get fucked every time you casually diss the universe.” I looked up at the sky. “I’m watchin’ you, Dude.”

“I don’t know who Twilight’s replacement is, but they’re not doing a very good job.” Diane complained. “The sky is the wrong shade of the blue, the clouds are too opaque, the grass doesn’t move properly with the wind, and-”

“Diane, this is Earth, Babycakes.” I said amusedly.

“Oh yeah. No Magic. Dialing down the crazy really made a difference.” She replied uneasily.

I squeezed her hand and bumped her with my shoulder. “You’ll get used to it, Pinkleberry.”

She giggled at that one. “Okay, that’s definitely my new favourite!”

“Pinkleberry? I’ll have to remember it.”

There wasn’t much going on in the neighborhood at the moment and no one looked at us for too long, so I figured we’d be fine until we got to the Mom’s place. They’d moved out to the suburbs when Betty Jean went out and found the money I’d saved up. For obvious reasons, I kept the cache from Ty since he would’ve squandered it all before it did anything for us, but I was just glad that my Mom’s were being taken care of and had better jobs at the moment. Super Sanity let a brotha dig into the past year since time was all sorts of fucked between Equis, Arkaid, and Earth, and honestly? Without Ty and I in their lives, they were low-key better off. Ty was a leech and I was a Momma’s boy, so other than being sad about losing their kids, they weren’t doing half bad.

Nobody really bothered us while we were walking since we were dressed a little strangely, though Pinkie got a few compliments on her hair from the flocks of White girls walking around downtown. I could’ve taken us straight to the ‘burbs, but I wanted to take the long way to St. Elmo (A pretty decent neighborhood away from Alton Park) since the lift to Rock City was due to run by the time we got there. It was a little more than luck, but Rock City was definitely a cool thing I wanted Diane to see since it was a part of my town’s history or some mushy shit like that. I might’ve just been super down for a super old cave. Whichever. Either way, Diane had way too much fun with the lift, attracting a lot of attention for her ridiculousness. I found it cute, but there was a woman who (Unwisely) thought that Diane would be an easy target.

She was wrong, but there weren’t any laws broken while Diane disproved her step by step. The confrontational bitch who just couldn’t let someone have a good time started throwing punches, but I doubted that even I could land a punch on Diane if she really felt like avoiding me, so Home-Girl Supreme just juked and jived until the ratchet ho let it go. It was actually pretty hot to see a girl who could take care of herself, but then I remembered the bow I’d made for Pinkie and wondered if she’d kept it. I had to ask and she mentioned that she kept it in her Party Void so she’d always have it on hand, which was bullshit because I didn’t have my own pocket dimension.

Rock City was as dope as it had been the last few times I’d been there, making me consider going to Ruby Falls with Fluttershy sometime to see how she’d like that. Taking her to any kind of farm would be out of the question since duh, but I’m sure she’d appreciate America’s tallest underground waterfall. I’d been once or twice and Cavern Castle was always pretty cool to see when it was lit up; perfect for a romantic date across worlds... I wonder if Lujei could do anything about her Ponyness…

Ah, I should probably explain who Lujei is, which I’m gonna do now before you start bitching. Like a bitch. Bitch. Anyway, when I was studying with Grogar, I delved a little deeper into Alchemy, as you should already fucking know if you’ve been paying attention. However, you might have missed the homunculus bit since I barely mentioned it, so here it is: I fucked up and kinda made one. I say kinda because Lujei doesn’t see me as her father, as a regular Homunculus would. No, Grogar’s bitchass suggested that I aim higher than a being that could regenerate itself based on the energy it consumed in turn. Nooo, he just had to point out that there was a way to make a stronger Homunculus that would act with more autonomy, but still be loyal.

The process involved kidnapping a few succubi that no one would miss, wrangling a wraith, bartering for a little help with the Rune Circle with a Revenant named Yoko Ono, ironically enough, and Grogar asked on of his Ashen Lords, a Dallos Herald named Chartreuse Grande, to pitch in with the incantation since the fellow was his leading expert on Alchemy. Quick aside, A Dallos is a former Wyld Lyre that died and was successfully sacrificed to Charred Archduke Brom the Blooded. The guy was a former Wyld Lyre himself that was caught by Nytemaire and brought around to the Black Magicks, and ever since then, he’s basically become the God of those psychopaths. However, the Dallos’ he creates aren’t really loyal to him and he doesn’t expect them to be since Cats are assholes, but Chartreuse didn’t want to work with Brom because the Archduke was from a rival tribe that used to fuck his tribe up from time to time, despite Brom’s status as Unliving God. As for the Herald part, they’re a type of undead that get their power directly from either their Master, Partner, or Companion(s), channelling it through the connection or bond and using it for themselves. As a Herald, which is a lesser form of a Harbinger though still more than just dangerous, it’s important to have back up in whatever fight you go into, which is why Chartreuse’s forces consist of terrifying Chimeras that either tears enemies to shreds or pump their life-force into Chartreuse and give him more raw Mana to work with so he can summon and create Homunculus’ and Golems to fight his battles for him. The sad thing is that even if you make it past the guy’s veritable army of repurposed flesh and damned souls, Chartreuse is still a fuckin’ Lion, and he probably still remembers how to fight like he was raised to, despite constantly wearing the most dapper of suits.

I like that guy. I should grab a drink with him some time.

Anyway, so Grogar rounds up everyone and everything we need to ‘create’ my Homunculus, but Chartreuse had the bright idea of adding in a Skeleton for shits and giggles just to see if I’d end up with a more complete Homunculus than most people got the first time around. As it turned out, that Skeleton just so happened to that of a Pony named Yggdragil, who just so mother-fucking-Max-damn-shit-dicking-butt-wrecking-ass-holing-bitch-fuck-cunting happened to fucking be cursed as FUCK. That guy? Max cursed that guy. Wanna know how I know Max cursed that guy? Because I felt his fuckin’ Magic on ‘im. A-fucking-pperantly Max decided to damn the guy to eternal life as the lowest lifeform there was on the face of Equis, and that was a mindless Skeleton, forced to do everyone’s bidding as long as they had enough Magic to control him. Thing about that? Grogar didn’t notice how much Magic it took to control a simple Skeleton like Yggdragil because the dude could probably summon some of the higher ranking Noble Demons without spending more than half of his full supply of Mana. Yggdragil, as powerful as he had been when he was a living Alicorn, would’ve been pretty hard for me to control without a Blood Seal since his Magic was still in his bones, locked away by Max, given thousands upon thousands of years to ferment and warp like nothing anyone in Tartarus had ever seen before.

The fickle, sickly, chaotic Mana in Yggdragil’s bones didn’t manifest until Grogar, Chartreuse and I activated the Rune Circle, but by then it was too late to pull back the incantation. A rift opened in space and time the second the Door of Truth was opened, making me worry about continuing the incantation, though I knew stopping would be a solid death sentence. We continued while Grogar’s wards warped and snapped, popping like bubbles one at a time until only the last one was left, but then the energy calmed. Thus, a woman was given form from the flesh of Demons and the bones of the most thoroughly smited muhfucker I ever met, and that woman was dayum fine. Lujei Hawke was formerly a great Alchemist who’d been a part of a small team who’d pioneered the first proven method of producing a Philosopher’s Stone (Or at least some manner of variant. There’s a fucktonne of different ones with different colors and effects) on her planet. However, that information was gained after some creepy flirting that made me want to hide behind the Goat-Man since he was the strongest in the room.

Well… He used to be…

Lujei… She scary. I have her flask, and thus control of her physical form, but it’s a fucked up situation because if I kill her, nothing’s stopping her from haunting my ass, and with as much Mana as she gained from the initial summoning? If she maintained that much, she’d have lost to Grogar after a few hard fought minutes. However, her ties to the Ether of both Equis and her planet plus her complete control over Yggdragil’s Magic meant that she was suddenly unmanageable in mere minutes while she stalled us by talking. She could have probably killed us (Well, just me. Chartreuse has a Soul Cairn and Grogar has like, a billion extra bodies.), but for some odd reason, she obstained on the premise that I alone would enter the Rune Circle. Grogar advised against it, but Chartreuse suggested that I try a measure of good faith to get the ball rolling between Lujei and I. She didn’t do anything when I entered the circle that I know of other than come and feel my hair, but still. She disappeared shortly after and I haven’t seen her since, but I could probably call on her whenever I go back to Equis. Maybe.

… Hmm… That’s about it for the Lujei story. I don’t really know what she is, but the reason I brought her up in the first place was because Diane asked about her while we were walking, specifically about what I planned on doing with a dangerous being that dwarfed the power of a Black Duke, which is like, the seventh rank of the Tartaric Royalty. My best bet was to go to Grand Queen Hermione and ask if she would mind Sealing Lujei and restricting a bit of her power, or to get Okthus to rally up a few of his Bane. The thought was enough to remind me of the little bitch’s constant requests for me to go and grab his axe, which was named ‘Okthus the Soulbreaker’. He’d named it himself, which should have been obvious because who else would be dumb enough to literally name their weapon after themselves? Not ‘Blank’s Blade’ or ‘Blade of Blank’. No, this muhfucker called his axe Okthus.

Idiots, man.

To get on with the actual shit that I was doing when I started talking-

[Senile]

That’s Garrison, you little shit. Interrupt me again and I’ll curse you.

[...]

S’what I thought. Anyway, so Pinkie and I were sweating our asses off because Ponyville, both on Arkaid and on Equis, had a pretty mild climate in the summer, rarely getting over ninety-five degrees on that OG Fahrenheit shit. Tennessee, however, was hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, and the longstanding drought that had been going on for two solid months during the summer meant that it was just that much more miserable outside. It didn’t matter too much though since Pinkie and I were capable of not dying on the way back down from Lookout Mountain. My parents’ place wasn’t too far from the lift up to Lookout, so the walk there wasn’t super terrible; I just didn’t want to walk up a bunch of big ass hills because fuck the Smoky Mountains and all the mountains everywhere ever. Fucking hills.

So Diane and I arrived at my Moms’ new place and I said, “You knock.”

She gave me a look like we’d just gotten done discussing the fact that the suggestion was stupid. “They’re your relatives.”

“Yeah, but don’t you wanna meet them?”

“I sure do, but I don’t wanna be the one to knock!”

“Well, I don’t want to knock either. Should we do it at the same time?”

Diane rolled her eyes. “Do I really have to explain why you have to be the one to knock?”

“No, but you should just so I can stall for time and think of a better reason why you should knock.”

The door open just as the pinker of the two of us opened her mouth and I came face to face with none other than Dorotha Neal, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. “... Jameson?”

“‘Sup, Momma? I lost some weight.” My stomach proved that little fact. “How’ve you been.”

“... You high-yella negro, the Hell have you been!?”

“Different planet.” I answered easily.

“Yup! Arkaid smells better than it does here!” Diane chimed in cheerfully.

Momma Dorotha looked her up and down. “You might wanna get real scarce real quick, Baby. This boy’s in for the earful of a lifetime when his Mom comes home.”

My traitorous friend with benefits smiled at me. “Sounds like fun!”

“Mhmm.”

“I’ll just blow my brains out and come back whenever y’all are done nagging. I didn’t really have a say in whether or not I disappeared, y’know? Maximus, like, as in God, kinda-sorta abducted Ty and me and dropped us on her planet.” I pointed at Diane and she clapped twice.

“Yup! Jay’s been a real joy to have around! Other than the jealousy and obsessive stuff that follows him around.”

“Bruh.” I sighed.

Momma Dorotha looked at me, emotions conflicting on her face. I could tell that she was upset, but she was happier than she was upset. She’d been so concerned, but I knew that there was a question on her lips that I didn’t want to answer. It still came. “... Jay, where’s your brother?”

My jaw worked itself from side to side as I considered how to break the news to her, hoping that Diane would back me up once I found an answer. “I don’t know and I don’t care. Tyler was a brother by blood only. He’s screwed me more times than I’d like to count, and he’s robbed you enough to deserve whatever he’s getting.”

My second Mom took a deep breath and sighed hard. “I figured you’d kick him eventually. Smart. Always have been.”

“Damn...” Diane murmured.

We looked at her, but I let the elder speak first. “If you knew Ty, then you oughta know that the boy was no good. He was every bit as much of a bastard as his piece a’ trash sperm donor, Lord forgive me for speakin’ ill of people behind their backs, but in ways, Tyler was worse. At least Russell stayed loyal to his Momma.”

Diane looked at me so I could say my piece. “It’s a shame, but he never wanted to be a part of the family.”

“... I just can’t imagine what would make a person be like that… It’s so… It’s an odd concept, I’ll say.” Hug Bunny rubbed her cheek, looking uncomfortable.

Momma Dorotha just sighed again. “It’ll be fine, Sweetheart. Ain’t no point in dwellin’ on the negative, so why don’t y’all come in, cool down a bit?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.” I gave her a smile.

“... You know your Momma’s not gonna take it easy on you, right?”

“Wait until I tell her that I’ve been booty deep in Black Magicks.” Swinging my black hand in a circle, I made a ‘Whoopee!’ kinda gesture.

“Nigga please.” She groaned.

“Wanna meet my Demon?” I asked.

She slapped me and hurt her hand. “Dammit, boy! Why is your face so hard!?”

“Blood Magic.”

“Are you serious!?”

“So we’re not tellin’ Momma ‘bout this. Got it.”

“Oh, I’ll tell her if you don’t.” Momma Dorotha swore.

“I’ll tell her if she doesn’t!” Diane said, adding her two cents in.

I scratched my beard. “Fuck.”

“Language!”

“Sorry, Momma.” I sighed.

She glared at me. “Getcho ass in the house. No pie fo’ yo’ slim ass.”

“Ay, thanks for-”

“Negro.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Diane chuckled and got glared at by Dorotha for being foolish. “You think somethin’s funny?”

“Yeah! The last time I saw Jay so quiet, his life was in mortal peril!” My BFWB (Best Friend With Benefits) replied, giggling.

“... Jay, shut her up.” Momma said flatly.

“Yo, I’ll give you a backrub if you cool it.”

She licked my cheek and said, “Deal!”

Dorotha didn’t say anything to that, instead going inside, leaving us to follow her as we pleased. The living room was pretty retro for being in a somewhat recently built house, but when you buy all your furniture back in like, twenty-twenty when everything was being made to last against the purging Max did to prove that pissing him off had consequences, which was hardcore as fuck, if not just dickishly asinine. Since it was like, Twenty-forty-two, shit was way out of style, but at least it was still comfy. Eventually Momma Dorotha rejoined us with slices of chocolate pecan pie, which was every bit as sugary as it sounded. I couldn’t handle more than a few delicious bites, so I gave the majority of my piece to Diane, which was eaten carefully, most likely so she could recreate the dish whenever she wanted.

The silence was nice and awkward, full of tension while the minutes ticked by. Diane tried to start up conversations with both me and Momma Dorotha, but she got shut down by the eldest woman in the room every time she got more than a few words out, just because she sounded too happy. Diane eventually got bored and fell asleep because that’s just how she do when she can’t do other stuff, which opened up a conversation that I ain’t tellin’ your ass about because it was some personal shit. Still, while Momma Dorotha and I were talking, my biological Mom came home, and the second she laid eyes on me, she just gave me an up-nod.

“... Hi Mom.” I said quietly.

“Hey, Baby. Where ya been?”

“A planet called Arkaid.”

“Right. Ty here?”

“No Ma’am.”

“And she is?”

“This is Pinkamena Diane Pie. She goes by Diane.”

“And she is?”

“My best friend. A baker. A Special Ops agent of some kind when she’s not baking.”

Mom nodded. “Right. So when are you gonna tell me the truth?”

With the simple extension of my right hand, I pointed at the wall next to her, my thumb and middle finger prepped for a demonstration. “Do you need at example?”

“Show me.”

I snapped my fingers, and over the course of about three seconds, a solid ripple of pins jutted out from the wall, stunning my Moms into silence. “Is that enough?”

“... Christ almighty.” Mom murmured.

“Sweet baby Jesus.” Momma Dorotha breathed.

I spread my hands. “Any questions?”

Mom raised a hand. “Just one.”

“Shoot.”

“When the Hell are you gettin’ yo’ ass out my house?”

Author's Note

Swag hard, eat lard.

Had this edited and ready to go n shit: Forgot to post it. My job is strenuous, dammit.

...I typed that out this morning and I just got off of work. God fucking dammit.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Ground Doth Quake

Chapter Twenty-Three: We Rise Divided; We Fall United

₪ღ✮ღ₪

“This is your fault.” I groaned.

“Your fault.” Diane replied, mimicking me pretty well.

I shoved her off of me and stood up, biting my thumb to make a pinprick of blood so I could hit the lights in the back of my shop. “Seriously, though. ‘Surprise suplex’?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

“We were travelling across the shittiest galaxy in the quadrant!”

“Well, how I was I supposed to know that those damn Truxicans pissed off the Hot Dog People!?”

“They’re blatant racists!”

“Well, sor-ry.” She huffed.

I gave her a look. “Your ass is sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Are you seriously going to stay here just to make me sleep on the couch?” Diane asked irritably.

“Keep it up and I might.”

“Ass.”

“Bitch.”

“Penis.”

“Vagina.”

“Pink.”

“Lime.”

Diane licked her lips. “Pink limeade sounds good.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you go get some while I go talk to Fluttershy and prepare to explain that I not only went to Tartarus without telling her, but crossed the universe without thinking twice about letting her know.”

“The stinky stuff doesn’t get too much deeper.” My BFWB said soothingly.

“No one’s dead and she hasn’t threatened to leave my dumb ass, so we’re not doing bad.” I smiled. “Time to face the music.”

The smile faded and I headed out to go see the Pegasus of Equestria rather than the Wizard of Oz because I didn’t need something I already had. I mean, I’d take a helpful hint if I was forgetting something, but I use my resources pretty wisely if I do say so myself. Speaking of my resources, the one that was basically my mentor for all things Vampire was AWOL from my head, and I didn’t know why that was, so I sped up on my walk back to Fluttershy’s place just in case something happened and I needed to get there fast, but not teleport-level fast, you know? The fewer who know the full extent of what I can do, the better, honestly.

Getting back to Fluttershy’s took too much time for my tastes, but it was fine since she was napping on the couch anyway. Angel was keeping watch and gave me a nod when I waved, moving so I could sit next to Flutters. “Anything happen while I was gone?” He shook his head. “Sweet.”

“Jay?” Fluttershy murmured, still asleep.

I took her hand and kissed the backs of her fingers. “Sure am, Flutterfly.”

She gently squeezed my hand, but that was about it until she woke up about thirty minutes later. I was casually reading a book on obscure runes and their origins when Flutters stretched and rubbed her hand all over my face. “Hmm?”

I grabbed her wrist and put her hand on my leg. “Morning, sleeping beauty.”

“Jay!” She cried happily, throwing her arms around me. “Oh, I was so worried when I woke up and you were gone! Are you okay!? Is anypony hurt?”

I kissed her to calm her down and gave her a gentle smile. “Everything’s okay, Fluttershy. Garrison showed up and asked me to go to Canterlot with him. We found out that Max’s wife was trying to get something from Garrison since Max is gone, but we don't know what an ‘Aetera’ is. I kinda ditched the group after the threat basically told Garrison that he might have a date with her at some point, went to go see Max’s other wife, the one who didn’t kill him-”

“I am so confused.” Fluttershy admitted softly.

“Trust me; this is why I left Arkaid.” I sighed.

She adjusted herself so that she could sit on my lap and put her head on my shoulder, allowing me to hold her close. “... Life always gets so scary so fast…”

“It’s not even scary yet, Flutters. This is the calm before the storm.”

“Then we need to prepare, Pupil.” Shade Rose said shortly before biting me.

“Yeah, sure; my blood’s your blood or whatever. Don’t mind at all. Just take your time.”

She drew hard enough to actually hurt through the opiate-like quality of Vamp-Venom, so I poked her in the eye, making her jerk back. “Foul moves!”

“Don’t suck so hard! God, you act like I starve Fluttershy!”

Rose licked her lips, rubbing her eye. “If you weren’t delicious, I’d drain you right now.”

“You’d be dead before you were halfway done, for one, and for two, don’t fuckin’ try me. I can purge you from Fluttershy and I don’t have to shove you into our little… What’s the name for ‘em? ‘Gulle’?”

Shade blinked a few times before just flipping me off. “Just look at the sheet I gave you, fool. Don’t you have it in your billfold?”

“Why you even know it’s called that, I still don’t know.”

“I glean things from you from time to time. That being said, I’m not going through the whole damn list again.”

I rolled my eyes and checked the sheet of paper, seeing-

[Dude, do you still have it?]

Yeah, I can pull it from the past and put it back. Why?

[Are you gonna go over the super cool Vampire Coven Hierarchy and were you actually sitting on it? I mean, Fluttershy has to be like, a Master Queen or something, right?]

Ha, nah. Here, kid.

|Typical Coven Hierarchy:

Master: King/Queen of the Coven; Anyone who can hold the throne.

Council Elder: A Vampire of at least five hundred years

Council Member: A Vampire that has lived over two centuries and isn't an idiot.

Pure Blood: Striker/Defender/Assassin/ Dark\Black\Blood-Caster; Abilities depend on Archetype. Born from two Halflings or a mortal woman and a Male Vampire.

Sanctum Guardian: Especially strong Vampires without specialized assignments.

Hunter: An average Vampire, converted with no issues.

Total Convert: Was born with a magically mutagenic gene that reacts to Sanguinis Vampiricus. Causes some form of power to arise depending on the family’s genetics.

Thrall: A Half-Blooded Vampire with the mental and sensory acuity of a Pure Blood. Rarely needs to feed

Peon: A Half-Blooded Vampire with the raw strength, sight, and olfactory sense of a Pure Blood. Must feed semi-regularly

Fledgling: Stronger than a Peon in most cases, but with lower than average intelligence and a heightened lust for blood.

Gulle: The result of a Thrall introducing their blood and venom into a non-Vampire. Named for becoming 'gullible' for their Creator

Familiars

Swindler: A Non-Vampire with red eyes.

Dunce: An abomination that occurs from Vampires who refuse to feed.

Dervish: An abomination that forms from a Vampire drinking tainted blood. No one knows what exactly the taint is. Highly dangerous and uncontrollable.}

[Fucking Roxas… Fluttershy was like, a rank above you! Seriously!?]

Seriously. Keep in mind, however, that the system is cut in stone aside from whoever sits on the throne. Think caste more than kingdom, y’know? Anyway, while Fluttershy’s status as a Total Convert basically means that she was a Pure Blood, and her family’s mutagen was related to soul-siphoning due to their generally empathetic ways, it wasn’t out of her league to have her own Coven by any means.

[So she sucked up a good soul and got even stronger than a Pure Blood?]

Stronger than your average Pure Blood, I’ll say that much. Shade Rose, however, was already a Master before her soul was cast into the Ether, so would you like to let me continue?

[I forget where we were.]

I looked Shade in the one eye she could actually hold open and said, “I can purge your soul from Fluttershy and put you in Amaretta. How’s that sound?”

Shade licked her lips. “My coat was orange once. And my mane was drab; nothing like hers.”

Envy from an ancient Vampire? Sure, I guess. “It can all be yours for the low low price of chilling the fuck out. Sounds even better, doesn’t it?”

She gave me a womanly look. “Why would you do this?”

“It’s in the Maxronomicon, Babe. Max did it for his mentor and she turned him into a God-worthy fighter. If I do it for you, I might be able to do a thing I can’t talk about because I don’t want us to-”

“I’m not going to kill you for that, you know.” The Devil herself said amusedly. “I’d rather you take over as God of this universe so I can focus on being Fate.”

Shade looked behind me and I turned around. “... Twice in one day is a little much, isn’t it?”

“It’s been a chapter or two since I’ve been around.” She sniffed. “I deserve a little time in the spotlight, don’t I?”

My jaw dropped and I couldn’t help but gape. “You know?”

“I’ve talked to it. It says hello.”

“I guess I could tell it hi, but that’s super meta.”

“Jameson, what in the blazes of Tartarus are you talking about?” Rose asked quietly.

“Don’t worry about it. It says hi and so does another guy that looks like a Shibe Doge.” I replied in the same tone. Louder, I said, “Look, Cherry-”

“I am Kauku these days, I suppose.” She answered loftily. “Max never called me Kauku.”

“... Right. So… Want me to take over as God?”

“I’ll write it into Fate and you can help me fight the rest of the Gods for breaking the rules.”

“Yeah, sounds like life’s about to suck.” I replied ‘cheerfully’. “What’s the first step?”

“The first step is taking your happy high-yellow ass back to Canterlot so you can meet up with Garrison and go to Minosia. And then you can take me to Diane.” Kauku’s smile was one that I remembered seeing on Purps many times over, but there was a love in her eyes that seemed to outweigh the madness in her expression.

“Don’t currently know where she is, Sweets.” I said cautiously.

“Yes you do.”

“Correction: I don't want you to kill her.”

“Oh, her planet’s gone and she’s not in the Council, Jay. Pinkie’s on the list of things that need to be dead and I need to dead her personally.”

“Yeeeah, no, I’m not selling her out to you.”

“I figured. Good boy!” She patted my cheek. “Spend your day with Fluttershy and be sure to enjoy the peace. It never really lasts that long, does it?”

“Lasted six months. Good enough for me, I guess.” I sighed.

She smirked. “Cheer up, Jameson. Soon enough you’ll be able to rest in the lap of relative luxury, and by that I mean you’ll be able to take a nap on Fluttershy. Luxurious, no?”

I nodded. “Quite. Anyway, you kinda killed like, one of my best friends, so…”

She gave me a look so potent that I didn’t me wake up until the Sun had set. The echoes of ‘He was my husband.’ still rang in my ears while I tried to come back to the world of the living, my pillow being split in half as well as being warmer than usual. I reached up and squeezed it, but it felt less like pillow and more like leg, so I looked up and saw Fluttershy smiling down at me. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

“Morning, Beautiful. What time is it?”

“Bedtime, actually.”

“Sweet. I could use a nap.”

“You’ve been asleep for hours!” She giggled.

I sat up and gave her a peck on the cheek. “What can I say, I’m a sleepy-boi.”

She kissed me back. “I made dinner half an hour ago if you’re hungry~”

“Have I ever mentioned that you’re the sweetest woman ever?”

“Once or twice…” She murmured coyly, giving me a bashful smile. “It’s just fried okra and green tomatoes-”

The smooch was pleasant and her lips were sweet, so I kissed her a little longer than necessary and let my tongue wander into her mouth for a few seconds until she started kissing back, her freaky Pony tongue dominating my stumpy Human one easily. Thankfully, Fluttershy knew to not lick the back of my throat, but unluckily for us, we had a visitor just as the going was getting gooder. I sighed as I pulled away and reminded myself to give our intruder a good talking to before sending them off until I saw that the person in question was actually Equis’ Twilight Sparkle; the cute little nerd with a passion for darning, oddly enough.

“H-Hi, Jay… I-I know it’s a little late, b-but…”

“Yeah, it’s late as shit.” I said flatly. “Come in and get out of the darkness, you nutty little goober.”

“Sorry,” she said, walking past me as I stood to the side. “It’s just that… Well… I just got back from Canterlot and I was wondering if you were home yet…”

Ah, it’s this talk. “Wanna go sit in the living room? We can go talk there.”

“Um, I-I was just going to leave after I- Um… Well, I…” Her face was turning bright red and the stammering was getting to be pretty strong, so I kissed her temple and she went ramrod straight.

“Twilight, calm down. Whatever you have to say, I’m not going to judge you for it.” I said patiently.

She took a deep breath and asked, “Jamesowoulyouliketogoutwifme!?”

“If you just asked if I wanted to date you, then yes. If you just asked me if I wanted to convert to your religion, that’s gonna be a negatory, Ghostrider.”

“... You- You really mean it?” Twilight asked, her eyes glistening. “I-I thought you were gonna say no!”

“I mean, you’re short, adorable, huggable, sweet, and purple isn’t a bad color. I don’t see why not.” I said casually. “Besides; I would’ve asked you out if I hadn’t been told to let you do it on your own by someone that apparently wants to look out for you.”

She blinked the tears away. “Wait, somepony told you to wait for me to ask you out!?”

“Yee, but I wouldn’t waste the breath and ask who it was. Do you want your first kiss now or tomorrow during our lunch date?”

“Um… Lunch date?”

“Okay then. I’ll be by at one o’clock sharp.” I nodded.

“B-But I eat breakfast at ten!”

I nodded. “Brunch? I’ll be up by five, so I’ll have plenty of time to get ready if you want to have a bit of a late breakfast.”

She blinked a few more times. “Wow… You always have a solution so fast…”

“Is that a-”

“Yes! Brunch at eleven thirty?”

“Deal.” I gave her a good hug and kissed the blunted tip of her horn. “I’ll see you in the morning, my little Cabbage.”

“... Did you seriously just call me a cabbage?”

“I love the purple cabbage.”

“... At least you didn’t call me a beet, I guess.”

“Beautyberry?” I asked.

“You know about those!?” Twilight asked. “They’re so good!”

“I’ll have to get some for you sometime.” I chuckled.

She gave me a quick peck on the cheek and bounced in place for a few seconds. “Oh! I have to go tell Fluttershy!”

Gesturing for her to go further into the house, Twilight dashed off to go find Flutters and I went to bed since I was tired. Still, Shade Rose didn’t think I needed to sleep as much as I did, even though it had technically been about a day since I’d slept. ‘Are you really going to sleep right now?’

“Yes. Yes I am.” I said, going to sleep.

‘Go downstairs, you fool.’

“Sleeping now.”

‘Ugh… Why does Fluttershy even put up with you?’

“Shush. Sleeping.”

‘They’re talking about you.’

“I’m sure they are. Now shuddup.”

‘Twilight is making a good case for you going to sleep at her house tonight.’

“And yet I’m already in bed.”

‘Fluttershy’s caving.’

I snored.

A few minutes later, the door to the bedroom cracked open and I made a face at the light creeping into the room, hissing.

Twilight slammed it closed and spouted, “He’s a Thrall!?”

I burst out laughing, realizing that Twilight had probably never seen me without my shades or a Glamour of some kind over my eyes. As Fluttershy calmed her down, I stepped out of the room with my glasses on and gave Twilight a little grin. “If you think that’s crazy, you should hear about the Black Magic I’ve been getting into. Can you say ‘Anti-Hero’?”

She stared at me.

“I-I’m a Vampony too…” Fluttershy confessed quietly.

Twilight turned to her. “Seriously!?”

“Yup. Since I’m a special kind of Unicorn Thrall, I don’t need to drink blood and I can heal by eating a lot of normal food. Fluttershy isn’t evil, so she bites me instead of anyone else these days because I’m super tasty.” I winked at my new girlfriend.

“Fluttershy…”

“I wanted to tell you and all the girls, but I didn’t want you to think I was a Demon! I don’t wanna go to Tartarus, Twilight!” Fluttershy cried, her eyes filling with tears. “Ponies like me don’t go to Tartarus! We come to Equestria so we can be happy and kind to other ponies and-”

Twilight hugged her. “Oh, Fluttershy! I can’t believe that you’ve been shouldering this burden all this time and you didn’t tell anypony!”

Fluttershy hugged her back tightly, weeping softly. “I-I was so scared that you would be afraid of me! I don’t want my friends to think I’m gonna hurt them!”

I coughed. “Stop trying to make no-bakes and you’ll be fine.”

Twilight and Fluttershy parted slowly and both of them gave me looks so womanly, they took me shopping and made me hold all their bags before getting home, taking up all the closets and dressers, and filling every cabinet in the house with shoes. “Shut up, Jay.” They looked at each other and giggled.

“I guess we’ll have plenty of time to say that together.” Twilight said carefully.

Fluttershy’s eyes were already full of love, but I didn’t expect her to say, “I’ve been scared of a lot of things, Twilight, but now I have Jay and… And well… I want you too!”

“Ayyy.” I fistpumped. “Threesome in the fu-chah!”

Twilight seemed a little struck by the idea of entering a polyamorous relationship with her crush and his girlfriend who was also one of her best friends, so we agreed to table the idea for another time and let Twilight see if she was anywhere close to being gay enough to love Fluttershy like she loved me. Shortly after that, Fluttershy snuck a kiss from her and I snuck one from Fluttershy, so I reasoned that we’d all gotten to kiss each other in some magical way until I was laughed at by the women who are supposed to make me think I’m funny.

After our kiss, Fluttershy asked Twilight to stay over, so we all squeezed into Fluttershy’s bed and slept like that, but while they were in the Dreamscape, I used a Blood-Shadow Clone to hold my place so I could go hit up Grogar for a little advice in Tartarus since shit was tilting and I was trying to get a handhold before it went completely sideways under Kauku’s rule. Instead of going back to my shop and entering through the briefcase, I alted and traded places with one of my Parallels who got shoved into Grogar’s desk and was kept alive for the sake of fun. It was a tight squeeze, but I got out just fine and shocked the shit out of my Parallel’s Grogar when my head came out of his pencil drawer.

“Yorule the Unholy, boy! Are you trying to give my non-beating heart a reason to attack!?” Grogar bitched.

“Scare ya back to life, right?” I chuckled, sitting on his desk before shutting the drawer. I hopped off and popped my neck. “What’s up, Teach?”

Grogar gave me a look and waved his hand over a pile of knucklebones. “I assume you’re here about the disturbance in the Order?”

“Nah, I already know what caused ‘em. I’m here to ask you for some advice.”

“State your case,” He said pleasantly, “though know that I’ll have you fill in some of the blanks with the current situation of the Order.

“Yeah, no problem. As for the thing, I need Nytemaire’s venom.”

“You’re hammered.”

“Have you ever heard of Shade Rose?”

“... That’s a familiar name I haven’t heard in a very long time, Apprentice. What do you know of her?”

“She lives in my girlfriend.”

“That’s bad.” Grogar breathed. “I… I’m sorry for your loss, as little as it means coming from someone as admittedly heartless as myself. However, I know what it’s like to lose someone you love once or twice over.”

“... Shade’s been helping me.”

“She’s asking you to build The Coven, isn’t she?” Grogar asked.

“The Coven?”

“Yes, The Coven. Shade Rose is Nytemaire’s Aunt by marriage, Jameson. That Vampiress is beyond ancient, beyond evil, and beyond reason.”

“... So what happens-”

“The living become livestock and the Coven rules the world.” Grogar cut in. “Even Nytemaire knows that having Vampires solely rule the world is foolishness, and she’s one of the eldest Vampires walking.”

“So don’t give Shade Rose her own body?”

“No.”

“Gotcha.”

“Is there anything else you need?”

“There was a Hellhound a buddy of mine summoned.” I held up a patch of its flesh and held it out to my tutor. “Sure as fuck wasn’t a Tartaric breed, if you’re catching what I’m tossing your way.”

“I’m picking up what you’re putting down, yes. Sadly, if you want something to track this particular beast,” He leaned in and examined the flesh with Nether Vision, “you’re most likely going to have to ask your friend. This is potent Nether flesh right here. A valuable ingredient, should you choose to sell it.”

“Consider it yours. A thanks for the info.”

“Surely you didn’t stop by for a simple chat?”

“Well, I was looking for a lil’ sum’ sum’, y’know?” I smirked.

Grogar grinned and raised his brows. “Ah, when you say those words, my heart soars! What interests your twisted mind today, my ever-inventive student?”

“I need a way to get Lujei to play ball.”

“... Yes, I see… Well… Um… No, I don’t want to die by her hands.” Grogar said flatly, having given it a few seconds of thought.

“She’s the most powerful thing we can call an ally-”

“She’s the most powerful thing that can level Tartarus. The woman isn’t ‘Undead’ dangerous; she’s as strong as Empress Drauhl.”

I looked him dead in the eye, grabbed Lujei’s flask from my pocket and tapped the cork twice. “Uh… Lujei? You got a moment, tall, sexy, and scary?”

We waited around for a few seconds and nothing happened.

“Whew!” Grogar breathed. “Why don’t we just get you a normal Homunculus?”

“Is Chartreuse coming back?”

“He would be valued in utilizing the piece of Nether flesh you’ve acquired… You don’t want a canine, do you?”

“Can I get like, a marten or something? I love those evil little bastards.”

“Evil is right.” Grogar muttered. “If that’s all you want, you can have Fiona. She’s a little bastard I’ve been starving for the past hundred years for biting me.”

“Does she look like she’s a horrible mutant or terribly dead?”

“She hates me and loves things that actually breathe. If you breathe, she’ll lick you. If you don’t, she’ll eventually devour all of you, or at least that’s how her legend goes.”

“... Wait, so you’re giving me a legendary weasel?”

“Fiona’s the most legendary Mustelidae in the Northern Hemisphere! Scourge of the Dead, Bringer of Stolen Nuts, Immortal Guardian of the Pines! Fiona is one of the greatest Guardians, and claiming her as my slave is something to be quite proud of!”

“So how’d you catch her?”

“Cottage cheese, squirrel paté, a peanut-butter cracker, and a decent rune ”

“I’m so making fun of her for that.”

“Please do.” He said, snapping twice. “Jade, your presence is needed.”

A few seconds later, a green Succubus with the body of a loli swooped down and hugged Grogar’s waist, kissing his side. “Hi, Master!”

He patted her head. “Hello, Pet. Take my Apprentice to the Alchemical Wing, won’t you? I’ve a letter to write to Sir Grande.”

Jade beamed at me. “Want a blowjob?”

“Nah, but thanks for the offer.” I replied, genuinely grossed out behind a mask of indifference. “Anywho, I also need you to teach me how to Raw-Enchant instead of Rune-Enchant.”

Grogar tilted his head. “... Runic Enchanting is the preferable School of Enchantment.”

“Raw Force Mana Binding is preferable with my MRP.” I said smugly. “If I use myself as a conduit-”

“You could use a greater being’s power to increase the rank of the enchantment.” He breathed. “You could create Artifact Level… Um… Artifacts. Objects. Tools. Whichever; whatever.” His smile grew and he snapped his fingers, springing himself into his younger body.

“The thing is, I’ve already got two Artifacts. The ring and the necklace, my mans.”

“While we couldn’t identify them, I doubt we could grant them such a title. S-Rank passive armaments would be far more accurate.”

I raised a brow at him. “Magic Nullification is S-Class. Magic Absorption is Artifact-Level.”

“... You can feel the Magic in the amulet, can’t you.” He ‘asked’, leering at me with appreciation for my accidents.

“Sure do, Dude. And I can tap into it, so with that little bit of awesomeness, what do you say you and I talk about a little trap I want to set up for the world’s sexiest, ghostiest, abominationy-est weasel?”

“You had my interest, but now you have my attention. Jade? Blow me.”

“With pleasure!” She replied happily.

⋬⍦⊛⍦⋭

I saw him for a second in his eyes. The other one. The origin. The first. I saw the times. I saw the black. I saw the gold.

Or was it bronze?

The little pea. The hard plum. They fused.

I know what was inside. I know why now. I remember. My family told Me. They stopped screaming, stopped whispering. They talked to Me and I listed because they fused. The synthesis was wrong. Black and White don’t make Gray. He was Grey, not Gray. Dark, not evil. The gold kept him good. No… Let Me look. It’s bronze. He always thought gold was weak. Bronze was stronger. He was stronger. Stronger than the opal. The black opal. There’s beauty in it, but it’s scary. I know why it was there now. I know why.

He tried to protect me. That’s why they fused. My family wanted the opal. They wanted the Subset. I wanted the bronze, so I ate it. I can feel it growing in me. Swelling. The opal is gone. My family has it.

But they fused.

I can feel the quakes. It’s coming. Not now. Not then, either. It will come. All things will come. Everything will come to Pangaea once more. The clock ticks. Tocks. Talks. Stalks. Saunters behind us as the cameramen chase us off the cliff. It’s hard to be at the front. Underfoot now.

Switch.

I fell into the opal. That’s why he stole it. He knew I would fall. He knew it would break me. The pieces are everywhere. Disjointed. Fractured themselves. It doesn’t hurt. Can’t slow down. Can’t fall into the opal again. It keeps shaking. Making me quake. The Void quakes. It never stops. The screams are so loud it makes the Void quake. It’s hot and cold. The sweat is freezing in my pores; on my fur.

Switch.

No. He’s whole; I’m broken. I saved him. Saved us. They fused, Goddammit! They weren’t meant to. I had to. I had to. I had. To. I. I. I. I. Ihad to. I had. To. I. Had. To. I. Had to. I had to do it or I couldn’t save him. Cheaters never win. He was so good at cheating, though. I can’t cheat. I’m very bad at it. The rules are rules, but Max bent them. He broke. He broke them. He broke them for me. He broke them to save me. I wonder. I always wondered why it was so fast.

So easy.

So painless.

I always wondered. He broke the rules. He broke them. He broke them easily and stitched them back together like a trained, practiced Skikil-#1413 Model Double-Zero surgeon. No one knew. My family knew. They smiled. Carnage. Slaughter. The massacre. He was old. So much older than we thought. Than we could have imagined. He knew the Last of the First. I know he knew him. He told me himself. He said that he was a prick, and that’s always accurate.

… He was my prick…

I closed my eyes. The Protector was there. The Confector was there. The Thief is gone. I hid him away. The…

Well shoot. What even is that guy? Is he a Hero? A villain? A savior? The destroyer? I’m confused… I should ask my family about their opinions on that one. Hopefully they have something useful for me other than ‘Ssjss-ssjss-sSjSS-ssss-sSjSs-sSjSS-Ssjss-SsjsS’ this time.

✧❖☬❖✧

The vague feeling of being watched passed between my sleeping consciousness, the Varas Tuuli awareness that never truly rested, and my waking soul as I watched Dissida break Furladra’s fingers individually for the seventh time. “It doesn’t stop until you yield, Princess!”

“I’ll yield when you choke and- Argh!” The Goddess of Thieves cried. “Fuck you!”

Ladesa lead a team of Varas against Mark and the Alpha Pack and was losing pretty damn badly, despite having her entire arsenal at her disposal. At least, that was until she broke some Joke Trochs I’d never seen before and knocked out half of Mark’s forces and left himself a little loopy. However, Hellbeasts are notoriously hard to kill and Thieves are notoriously ill-prepared for any skirmish longer than a few minutes, so before long, Furladra chased in a favour from Lumos’ son Rhoa, the God of Shadows and ‘grimdark’ bullshit in general to sink through the floor and rise behind Dissida so she could shove a barely-functioning wrist-blade into her spine.

“That was my favourite column of all time!” Dissida roared, whipping around to throw a wild punch at Furladra. “You fuckin’ low-down, dirty, honorless-”

“You’re the Goddess of Chaos!” Furladra spat. “To speak of honor should burn your tongue!”

They both drew pistols at the same time and dodged as they fired, Dissida’s shot missing my face by inches. “Sorry, Master!”

“Uh-huh.” I replied flatly.

She looked over at me and Furry thew a knife into her chest, making Dissida give her a look. “Seriously? Time-Out for the guy we’re fighting over. Honestly, woman.”

Furladra rolled her eyes while the Demi-Goddess and her Varas fought on. “Fine. I’ll kill your arse eventually.”

Dissy pulled the knife out and tossed it to the side. “Fuck you, lay me. Master, is something wrong?”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked.

“Um…” They looked at each other.

“How many people have died over this?”

They said nothing.

Instead of beating them for half as long with a stick twice as thick as my thumb, I considered doing it twice as long with something smaller and made of metal. “CEASE!”

The force of my shout was pretty okay, and it got my point across well enough to stop anything else from getting eaten or stabbed in the face. Rolling my eyes, I looked at each of my hopeless suitors and wondered what kind of idiocy ran through their minds, so I decided to ask. “Why? What makes me so desirable that you would go to war over me?”

Furladra snorted. “Like you don’t know.”

Dissida rolled her eyes. “It’s not your looks, though you are cute. I’d lick ya.”

“You have, and that tells me exactly nothing. Furladra; you’ve said that I was loyal to you, but then you stabbed me in the heart and left me to rot,” I pointed at Dissida, “in her ‘loving’ arms, which cost me who I was as a person and earned me a thousand years of loneliness and longing that still leaves me unsure of what I’d rather prefer, so you two daffy dumbarses are basically arguing over whether stabbing me in the back once or stabbing me in the front multiple times was worse.” I spat. “Seriously. This is a ludicrous waste of life.”

Dissida clenched her fist in front of her heart before flinging her arm to the side; the Lasponian ‘Fuck off’ gesture. It’s supposed to represent ripping out words that you’ve taken to heart. “Nonsense! I’d fight all of Godsholm for the right to be your wife, Master! You act like I haven’t told you a thousand times that-”

“Four hundred years.”

“... Six hundred, though.”

“I was already gone by the time you decided to play nice.” I snorted, glaring at her.

“Then-” Furladra started.

“You’re the reason I was there in the first place.” Shut down.

The Goddesses in front of me looked at me in frustration, but Dissida was the one to say, “... So you really don’t know why we want you so badly?”

Furladra shot her a sidelong glare. “He’s mortal, not moronic.”

“Might be moronic on this one.” I drawled.

“Have you even tried to use my Magic yet?” Dissida huffed.

“... I do the what?”

They both groaned and Furladra glared at her. “Seriously? Six hundred years and you didn’t bother teaching him how to fling a fireball or something?”

“He knows how! I swear I taught him all the techniques for it!”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Recollection Rage Reflection! When I taught you how to dive into your mind using blind fury to knock pointless memories out of your path, that was literally me teaching you how to tap into your Solada de Chamas bullshit!”

“Ah.” I briefly thought of Ladesa stabbing me in the chest and was immediately furious. “Okay, so I’m pissed. Now what?”

“... Make your hand hot.” She said at a snail’s pace.

“Tail. Arse. Won’t even spit on it.” I deadpanned, my palm igniting. Quenching the flame, Mr. Me decided to look at Furladra. “So what’s the deal?”

“Garrison, you’re a Conduit. Powers, Skills, and Magic can all be ingrained into your Soul, Anima, and most importantly, your Aetera. The more powers you gain, the stronger you become, and once you eventually find a way to become immortal, such as marrying a Goddess, you’ll be a force worthy of note. Even if you were to keep a harem or something of the sort, marrying into your bloodline once you become divinity is priceless for a Goddess who could live through bearing your child.” The pretty one explained.

Her ugly step-sister nodded. “That’s the important bits of it, but I actually like you-”

“It broke my heart to give him to you, but I did it for my daughter!”

Dissida scoffed. “I say you lost your shot when you walked away from him and left him in The Grey.”

Furladra looked at me desperately. “I can tell you how many times you died, how many times you survived for another day, how many times you landed a blow against an enemy. I can tell you how many steps you took, how many times you fucked, and I can tell you the exact year you forgot Aria’s smile. I can take all of that away from you; leave the stuff you want to remember. People like me and you? People like us curry favour wherever we go because we’re survivors and adapters, Garrison. People like Dissida trample over everything in their path and leave their enemies to pick themselves up in her wake. If you pick me, you’re still siding with the majority of Godsholm. There’s salvation for Thieves; not Ingots like her. Cold, hard people that just slaughter and smile while they do it-”

“Oh shut up! Like you’re so squeaky clean, Miss ‘Short-Change Hero’. The only reason you even have any happy legends is because you have a soft spot for a few specific groups of people. You? You’re nothing like my Master. He and I? People like us take what we want. We step on who we want, when we want, for whatever fucklesnatchin’ reason we please because everyone else ain’t afraid to step on us! Master knows that we’re better off with the strongest allies who don’t ask for shit until it’s time for bloodshed. You wanna brag about being with him every step of the way? Well I didn’t see you anywhere when I was riding that thick. Juicy, cock of his. I didn’t see you when I taught him how to fight like a real warrior. I don’t remember seeing you any-fucking-where when he snapped and cried for fifty years because he forgot his name!”

So maybe the Goddess of Chaos and Destruction might actually have a little respect for me instead of just an obsession. I looked at each of them as they started arguing between themselves again and wondered what I should do. There was little about the situation that would bode well for me if I chose one or the other. On one hand, I could cull Dissida’s hot head and bring a good number of the Gods together by being a better negotiator than she is. However, the problem with that is scorning Furladra, though that’s somewhat negated by her oath to never betray me and the fact that I own her daughter’s Anima. Then again, if I chose Furladra, I already own Dissida, so I’d just have to deal with a pissy Dissy until I fucked her good enough to make her forgive me again. I mean, if I could behead her and get away with it through a good, solid dicking, what else could I possibly get away with?

[Uncle Gary, you gotta be kidding.]

No, now shut up so I can get to the genius part. While my ‘bevy’ of ‘beauties’ bickered, I hammered out the final details in a conniving, devious, downright despicable scheme. When I snapped my fingers, they shut up and both of them gave me looks so womanly I thought their heads were going to pop off of their bodies and they would clone themselves to bring more vaginas into the equation. When I was sure I had their attention, I looked at Dissida, then at Furladra.

“Dissy.”

Furladra stared back at me, her brow slightly furrowed. “Garrison?”

“Yes, Master?”

“I never told you to hold back. I didn’t care in the first place.”

Dissida licked her lips and beamed at Furladra. “התחת שלך הוא שלי”

“Wha-” The Queen of Thieves began, the arrival of Dissida’s tail in her mouth stopping her from finishing the sentence. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Dissida’s tail wasn’t going through the bottom of her mouth or if she, you know, wasn’t currently clawing at Dissda’s leg, trying to breathe.

“Yeah, my little Dissy does that sometimes.” I commented casually, strolling over to them in a few short hops, boosted by Magic. It wasn’t necessary in Godsholm, but I still like the feeling of the wind beneath my feet. Squatting down, I pulled Dissida’s tail from Furladra’s mouth. “So here’s the deal, right? I planned on marrying for love, just like in some Fae Fable, but it’s not looking like this heart is getting any warmer than familial love with anyone I’ve met so far, which is your fault. Thus, I’m going to give you two options. Either send Ladesa to the Grey for a thousand years to clear the debt or take her place. As for who’s going to be my wife?” I looked up to Dissida who was wearing a petty pout. “Yeah, no. Both of you are insane, unpredictable, and there’s never been a happy tale about a Human male falling for either of you, so I’m enlsaving you. What do you say?”

Furladra healed herself and Dissida took her talon off of her. “... I yield. By the Lake of Eternity, your word is my command, Garrison Varas Tuuli.” She laid there, a tear falling from her closed eyes. “I just hope you understand that this won’t go unpunished.”

“The Gods are better at minding their own damn business than anyone else.” I snarled. “You said it yourself: unless you get your offerings, you don’t have a reason to help mortals.”

“Hey, at least I never tried to sugar-” Dissida started flippantly.

“Dissy, it’s Shush Time.”

“Yes, Master.” She said dutifully.

I gave her a nod and looked down to Furladra again, smirking. “Congratulations, Furladra. Ladesa’s soon to be the freest she’s been in eight hundred years.”

The Raven closed her eyes, sighing. “I’d hoped that you would keep your promise.”

I waved my hand. “Ladesa is free from my service. The only time she should come to my call is in your aid.”

Dissida tapped me with a talon. “So why’d you send the brat back as backup for Furladra?”

“I needed them in the same place.” I said pleasantly. “I knew I was going to do something with the fact that Goddesses were fighting over me; I just didn’t know what quite yet.”

“... You’re a lucky jackass.” Dissy huffed.

“... Losing to you makes me feel like half a woman.” Furladra groaned. “I mean, how do you half-bake a plan and end up with one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy as a glorified pet!?”

“I dunno, but who do you think I should go for next?” I asked amusedly.

They stared at me.

“What? Would Amelemme be going too far?”

Furladra leaned forward slightly, glancing at Dissida one last time. “... Are you talking about making the entire female population of Godsholm your slaves?”

“Sounds like fun! I’d probably bother to get along with you fucks if Master told me to behave.” Dissida admitted.

The Raven sat up and the Vulture took a few steps back. “A few nice words aren’t going to make up for millennia of evil, Dissida.”

“Oh, shove-” I gave Dissida a look. “Whatever. If Master asks, then I’ll make an attempt.”

“So you both do what I say, right?”

“No shit.” Furladra grumbled.

“Sure do!” Dissida cheered. “Do you need something?”

“Yes, actually. Dissy, you’re my Grifter and The Grey will be where we put our stronghold.”

“Can it be a cave?”

“What’s up with you and caves?”

“It’s a reptilian thing.” She waved my words aside.

“Fair enough. I want you to find a place to put the Hellbeasts that won’t freak out our Gadais and Varas, so probably our little hidey-hole. Make something that people can actually live in, no?”

“Mmm... I do caves because I have a nature alignment, Master. I could make you a stone fortress, but it’d be obvious.” Her snake hair started waving around and she looked off to her left. “Company.”

Furladra shook her head. “That’s so queer.”

“It’s useful, so shut it.” Dissy grumbled, still looking off into the distance.

I looked there too because why not. “Who is it?”

“Not Terran.” She murmured. “This might be bad.”

Furladra got to her feet, both Goddesses having banished their forces shortly after the talking had began. “Equisian?”

“Most likely. I’ve never met a Pantheon that liked to travel.” Dissida said seriously, straightening up, a smile forming on her lips. “Oh my~”

“Aw shit.” I groaned, the spicy scent of Dissida’s arousal being obvious to me after being exposed to it for centuries on end. “Chaos?”

“Pure Chaos at that. He’s hideous!” She shouted gleefully.

Furladra stood in front of me, drawing her knife. “We might need to leave if she gets any more excited.” She said quietly.

“Dissy, cool it.” I said sternly.

She turned and gave me the most pathetic, saddest look she could, which was still like looking at a rooster that had been shot in the beak head-on. “But he’s my type!”

“Oh, am I?” The ugly bastard said, winking into existence and snaking an arm around my property. “I must say that while red might not be my favourite colour, it is quite horrendous on you.” He purred.

Dissida drank him in with lust in her gaze. Furladra studied him with lethal intent. I analyzed every. Single. Twitch. From the moment he put his hands on what was mine, I zoned in on him and paid attention to everything. His bird foot meant that he would have less mobility on the ground, most likely need to hop or leap to move in one direction very quickly since his reptilian leg was built like a stump. I knew that Dissida’s legs were deceptively fast, but the new God’s build wasn’t one for combat. That much was obvious from his Aura. No, the one in front of me was most likely an ‘Apple’ or an ‘Ethereal’ rather than a ‘Blade’ like Dissida. An ‘Apple’ God would be stout or portly in some way as they tend to be Gods of plenty and feasts. He wasn’t muscular like a Blade, nor did he carry an air of lethality about him, meaning that he’d be an Ethereal. However, Ethereals are tricky bastards since you never know what they’ll do. Truly neutral Gods who could care less if the world burned as long as the Order they follow is set and steady.

I didn’t really give a fuck about any of that. I just knew that he had his hands on something that was mine, and I was tempted to rip his fucking arms off for it.

“Tell me, my terrifying Queen; have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?” He asked, his voice like a rasp on jagged glass.

Dissida’s snakes started blowing him kisses while my ‘devoted’ servant swooned in his arms. “Which Devil? There’s a lot of us out there.”

He stroked her chin and grinned. “Why, only this Devil has a counter-corkscrew flex-barb willy.”

Dissida’s jaw dropped and she pointed at him, slowly turning to look at me. “Eee!”

“You fucking sow.” I snarled.

The God looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I’d beg your pardon, but your blood’s going to be syrup here in a second and I’m in the mood for flapjacks!”

“Dissida.” I said.

She grabbed his arm and he looked at her. “... You got caught by a mortal?”

“My Master is the cleverest mortal!” Dissida replied unhappily. “He’s just possessive, apparently…”

“My disgusting Darling, slavery is so beneath you!” The God tried.

“Actually, it’s kinda fun.” She replied. “At least, it’s fun when he does the slavery thing. I get off more often then I get so much as unhappy, and you kinda have to get some context to understand why it’s not as bad as it looks.”

He sighed. “My name is Discord, Lord of Chaos and soon-to-be liberator of your beautiful countenance. Now; what, praytell, could have possibly resulted in you getting enslaved by some dudebro?”

“She sold his soul to me, right?” Dissida pointed at Furladra. “Well, she technically leased it to me, but still. The plan was to put Master in my realm for a thousand years and get some revenge for him killing some of my followers back in the day-”

“Wait, you lead a cult? Successfully?” Discord asked incredulously.

“Darkness in every heart, my Bearded Basilisk. Anyway, so like, four hundred years into Master’s time in my realm, he starts killing off some of my creatures because he apparently learned how to fight them with a stick and started eating them like a lunatic-”

“They ripped me apart every time they came across me! Furladra, how many times did I have to come back to life after being eaten!?” I demanded.

“Seven hundred and eleven times.” She said triumphantly.

Discord looked at Dissida and took a step back. “You’re like Hades, aren’t you?”

Dissy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, no. He’s way more passive than I am. Think… Hmm… Khome is a role model, let’s say that much.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “I swear; no one respects Slaanesh. She puts in the most work and yet never gets the recognition.”

“She’s just a carnal whore, Discord.” Dissida pouted, poking his chest. “Wouldn’t you rather have someone a little more… Dangerous?”

“Hmm~ A little cayenne never killed a recipe to my knowledge. However, I might have to-” He pointed at me and Dissida’s tail sped to his crotch in a flash. “... So he’s made quite the impression.”

“Mortals that can conquer Chaos Gods are few and far between.”: Dissida said. “You know our weaknesses are few. Doubly so for a War Goddess.”

“My, my, you are spicy! I’ll be back for you, my little Chili.” Discord snuck a kiss from her and left my slave starry eyed and stupid for a little while.

Furladra and I shared a look. “So you’re going to be my Treasurer. Take stock of what all falls under your wing, Dissida’s claw, and pool the influence between the two of you. Let it be known that you two are going to try working together for once.”

“No one’s going to believe that the Princess of Tact and Subtlety would shake hands with Crass and Brash over there.”

“Well, seeing as how you’re the Silver-Tongued Snipe, I doubt that it’ll end up being that big a deal for you to make some friends and convince people to ally themselves with you. When Dissida wakes up, I want you to stick one of your most trusted Envoys with one of hers and have them go to Stelor. We’re all hunters here, and his support will be key in what I have planned.”

“... What do you have planned?” She asked cautiously.

I looked her in the eye and said, “Max once told me that he had to take over the entirety of his planet’s Godsholm to save his universe; to become a Creator. The woman I truly have my heart on is a Creator. You see where I’m going with this?”

“... You want to court God. Full stop.” She breathed. “Dear Lord, I’m going to be ill. You’re going to get us all smited!”

I chuckled. “Guess there are worse ways to spend a Doshday.”

“Fucking Skepin on a stick, Garrison Varas; Have you lost your mind!?”

I looked off into the golden sky, the Sun forever setting on the perfect day, the wind rustling the grass as I answered her. “... I can’t recall the last time I was truly sane, Furladra. This might be crazy, but it’s what I want to do. I’ve always done whatever I wanted to do. You yourself told me that you admired that about me.”

“Not when it’s going to get me perma-killed! You don’t know her like I know her, Sweetlove! The only person everyone thought she gave a damn about she evidently killed!” She sprung to her feet and shook me violently. “I don’t give a damn about whether or not you beat me for this, Garrison! Don’t. Fuck. The Purple-Fucking-Widow.”

She eventually stopped shaking me, so I finally bothered replying. “Nope. Lovestruck. I want her.”

“... I just signed my own death warrant. I need a drink.” Furladra said softly. “May I take my leave?”

“Hmm… After I figure out what I should have you call me…” I tapped my chin.

She closed her eyes and sighed. “May I take my leave, Master?”

I blinked at her, a smile slowly spreading across my lips. “How about Guildmaster?”

“No.”

“I had to give it a shot.” I chuckled. “Just call me Garrison. The ‘Master’ thing is creepy.”

She rolled her eyes. “So basically I don’t have to suck your toes like Dissida?”

“You’re still going to do what I say, I just don’t care if you give me sass.” I said, putting it straight. “Your tongue is your own. I’ll only tell you to hold it when it’s wagging in manure.”

“Fair enough, I suppose.”

With a nod, I dismissed her and looked around the meadow for a little while longer before closing my eyes, opening in the Dreamscape. From there, I crossed over once more into the waking world and found that it finally dawn. The night had been cold until I’d slipped through the realms, though the eggshell that I’d hidden under had kept me well protected from the bird that had landed and warmed the place up some time ago. After a quick check, I saw that my ‘little’ buddy was actually a rather large, flaming birdy. It was a pretty birdy that looked like it came pre-cooked, and I was quite hungry. However, as I peeked at the bird, its crimson red flames chilled to a cool, snowy blue and it looked directly at me.

“Like, suh Dood?” He lazily intoned.

I waved and he flapped a wing in turn. “Found this nest and had a nap for the night. What’s going on in your world?”

“Like, just peckin’, y’know? Totally found some fruit that was like, way delish, my friend. You should totally check it out if you’re chill.”

“I like the sound of being chill, but I’m actually a little warm. Are you a phoenix?”

“Like, kinda? I know I’m all like, burny and stuff, but like, I don’t, like… I dunno, Dood.”

“Are you immortal?”

“Nah, my Dood. I do this though!” He spread his wings and in a flash of blue light, he changed from a flaming bird that would have reached my nipples on its feet to a fucking penguin. He turned into a little faded-blue feathered, red winged little penguin that had a white belly. With peg legs. “Like, boom.”

… What the fuck, Equestria? “Impressive. How many forms can you take?”

“Like, so-ho-ho many.”

“Are they all on fire?”

“Nah, Dood. Some of them are like, slimy n’ stuff.”

“Interesting. Would you mind taking me to the place where you found the tasty fruit?” I asked, climbing out of my hiding spot.

Dood, as I nicknamed him because he kept saying it, turned back into a big flaming birdy and meandered over to meet me in the middle. He calmed his flames again and extended a wing. “Name’s Noms, my guy, and welcome to my nest. I’d totally be down for a snack sesh right about now.”

“Garrison Cosantoir, and it’s a pleasure to meet you, Dood-”

[Unc, you literally just said he told you his name.]

And? Why would I waste a perfectly good nickname?

[This is why you get abused.]

I know you can eat a nine millimeter, but what about a fifty cal?

[You left off on your apt nickname for the Shapeshifter.]

Sure did. “Garrison Cosantoir, and it’s a pleasure to meet you, Dood. Would you happen to know where we are?”

“Tartarus away from Tartarus, my guy.” He chuckled dumbly. “Like, welcome to the Everfree: Where the old come to die, the young come to grow, and the able come to survive.”

I drew my pistol and checked the chamber. My knifes were in place and Doug was still on my back, but I panicked for a second until I felt Timothy sitting on my lower back. “Yup, I’m able. Do you eat birds?”

“Like, maybe.” He stretched his neck away from me and narrowed his brilliant amber eyes. “What’s it to you? You a narc?”

“I don’t know what that is, but I’m hungry and I can’t eat meat unless I cook it. I don’t like red meat, but I do like birds.”

“Dood, like, I am so lucky there’s no fire around here!” He cheered, flapping his wings drearily. “I coulda been a snack!”

I observed the pre-broiled piece of chicken and licked my lips. “I wouldn’t say that.” I’d say would have been a snack. “I would, however, like a friend that won’t peck me.”

“Ah, Dood, I like, totally understand. Like, pecking is like, my thing though, so like, don’t get weird if I do peck you.”

“Yeah, but don’t do that.”

He sidled a little closer. “So…”

“Don’t try to fuck me either.”

“I’m a Dood though, Dood.” He said confusedly.

“You’re also more feathery than furry.”

He looked at his plumage. “... Like, yeah?”

“Snack ‘sesh’?”

“Snack sesh!”

₪ღ✮ღ₪

First I learn that my brother never gives a shit about me? Okay, took a few months to deal with that. Psycho girlfriend might kidnap and rape me on the daily? Choke it down, put it on the backburner. Sweet girlfriend turns me into a fucking Thrall dependent on her venom to not have to drink blood? Literally cannot be mad with her, so I let that one go as best I could. Psycho girlfriend gonna kill sociopath brother?

Breaking point. Wind it up and run it back.

Now I get lost in the Everfree for two weeks. Low on food. Water’s scarce. Everything wants me as lunch. PTSD wasn’t that bad, but still. Brother dies because I wasn’t there. Guilt eats me alive for weeks. Makes my heart hurt. Makes my head ache with all the ways I could’ve saved his dumbass. Only thing that could’ve made it worse was knowing that there weren’t many more gruesome ways to die.

Breaking point. Wind it up and run it back.

Then I meet the clone of the woman I’m chemically and magically forced to love. Lovely. It works out for the best, but there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind: What if I’m just loving similarities? Whatever. What’s fine is fine. Up until another Twilight falls for me. Flashbacks. Nightmares. The anxiety. The studying. The spying. Earning grays before my time while running myself ragged to catch her slipping. Nothing. All Hell breaks loose and I lose my best friend too. Go to comfort a widow and find comfort for myself up until I finally go home…

Breaking point. Wind it up and run it back.

It wasn’t my entire life that flashed before my eyes, but there was enough of it in that split second to make me wish I’d eaten more junk food before whatever was about to come to pass came. Chartreuse and I waited, unmoving, praying for the Aether to stabilize before one of us imploded. Another one, at least. Grogar himself was already dead, and in of his ribs had shot straight into Jade’s head since she’d apparently thought it was a good idea to stick around. Sucks that she was wrong, but Grogar did remind her that everyone else in the room had some way of defending themselves against a Gore Bomb.

“Chartreuse...” I said, moving my lips as little as possible.

“I don’t know hut’s wrong.” He replied softly. “This shouldn’t he hahhening.”

I stared at the incomplete Pentacle, shining a bright, arterial blood red, lighting up Grogar’s generally drab quarters and bathing everything in a Nether-esque glow. The plan had been so simple... “I can get out. Can you?”

“Jay. I can’t eel. Grogar.”

“Eheheh~ I wonder why that is~” Lujei cooed, her staff with Yggragil’s skull mounted on it appearing in front of me as she wrapped her arms around my person.

“Heeey cutie.” Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck!!! She couldn’t have known!

“Mhmm~ You know, our little trip to your homeworld was fun.” She whispered.

Twilight? I swear to- to- to you if you’re fucking listening-

“Those old hags… The ones we visited…”

Oh my God… Please…

“Such turmoil in their hearts~ The confusion; the anger. Of course there was love,” Her voice appeared in my left ear this time, her hand cradling my chin, “but there was so little left… Why, I would’ve called it a mercy at that point~”

I closed my eyes and prayed that she was fucking with me. “Lujei, what’s your ploy here?”

“Hmm~? A ploy~?” She crooned. “I don’t have any ploy; I just want to observe a little longer. I might do something,” Her fingers drifted from my chin, up my cheek, and to my dense curls, “I might not. It’s all in how you answer this question.” … She doesn’t know?

“Jay, she’s slotting songthing.” Chartreuse warned.

“I know; it sucks.” I hissed back.

Lujei apparently found that hilarious. “If I wanted you dead, I would’ve killed you already.”

“So… Are you the one aking this lace agically lethal?”

“Tch. Ask the fool who managed to blow himself out of his own Soul Cairn.” I have a funny feeling it wasn’t just him. “Are you ready for my inquiry?”

“Ready as I’ll ever E.”

‘My’ Homunculus slash Revenant sighed. “You were strong enough to rip a hole between at least forty dimensions, and yes, I counted as I was passing through them, yet you can’t dispel a simple Miasma?”

“Kinda killed the guy who teaches E.”

She floated around and gave me a condescending look. “With your potential? You let a two-legged Goat teach you? Oh my sweet little Neophyte; I’ll bet that you haven’t even had Astral yet, have you?”

Chartreuse growled softly and Lujei looked at him. “Growl at me again and I’ll focus the Aether around you.” His eyes widened before they narrowed. “Good kitty~”

“Lujei?” I asked, trying to help a brotha out.

Ms. Walking Hydrogen Bomb glared at me and my throat closed. “I’ll tell you when you may address me by name. Until then it’s ‘Mistress’, ‘Madam’, and maybe ‘Your Majesty~’. I always liked the sound of that.”

“I take it you’re taking Goat-Guy’s lace?”

She rolled her eyes and I felt the Aether fade away from me, allowing me to breathe normally. “Okay, so I might have been expecting a little much of you, but that was still simple.”

“Care to do it again?” Can’t hurt to try, right?

“How much is he worth to you?”

Chartreuse and I locked eyes. He knew he was fucked. “... You partially owe him for bringing you here and giving you back a physical body. I’d consider that a debt repaid if I were him.”

“Yes, but I don’t care what he thinks because I owe him nothing. I owe you nothing.” She blinked. “Try again.”

“... You know my profession. Artificery could be useful to you.”

“If I want a rune, I’ll make you do it. One more attempt.”

“... Um… Alright, let me get like, two, though.”

Chartreuse sighed. “I stroll toward the Endless Jungle. Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy.”

Lujei snapped her fingers, turning to him slowly. “... What did you just say?”

He doubled over and chuckled. “Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy. It’s pointless to try and translate it.”

She floated over to, then around him, circumnavigating him a few times. “I know what it means, but you shouldn’t say that in front of a mortal. What possessed you to say the phrase?”

“It’s a Wyld Lyre thing. We don’t know why we say it before battle, but we do.”

Catherine appeared straight from the Ether and sacrificed her soul to save me from Lujei’s casual destruction of my colleague. “Fool.”

“... Well dayum.” I commented numbly, pulling some entrails from around my neck.

My new teacher looked back at me. “Oh. Sor~ry!”

“No you’re not.”

“I’m not, but at least I’m beautiful~” She sighed. “Come along, Jameson. We have a whole country to explore!”

“Yeeeah, about that…” I hissed awkwardly.

“Hmm~ Pink, purple, or yellow? What goes better with disembowelment red?”

“And we get a fresh Nevermind straight from the rabbit-hat! Explore we shall. Mistress.” I ended irritably.

“Aww, are you upset about being covered in viscera?”

“Little bit. Little more pissed that you just killed a guy I liked and probably killed the guy who helped me develop my Rune Cypher. Kinda salty here. Two brilliant minds thrown away.”

Lujei rolled her eyes. “The Lion was a particularly lucky halfwit whose estate we will be visiting for the sake of a little pick me up, and Grogar?” She gave me a look, rolled her eyes, went back to giving me a look, rolled her eyes again, and finished with, “If you think that lamb-chop was good for anything other than making bezoars, then you obviously don’t know that the only thing keeping the ruler of Equestria from flying down here and just killing him is a shred of guilt she feels for having his wife raped to death by her Honor Guard in front of him.”

“... You read minds, dontcha.” I really wasn’t asking.

“Conversation is tedious when my partners aren’t as cute as you.” She pinched my cheek. “So full and pliable!”

“Please don’t tell me I’m your-”

“Boytoy?” She droned. “Apprentice, yes. Boytoy? No. I only do Astral.”

“Sweet… Wanna get to know your new palace?”

“I’ve been around a few times, I’ve just never seen a reason to go into the streets of Moudar. We’ll float and talk.”

I looked at her feet. “Yeah, why do you float?”

She raised a brow. “You think this is my Shell? No, Blindness; this is my Parlayer. It’s an Extra-Bodily Construct with a fragment of my power specifically for perfect recall. Right now I don’t technically have the ability to use Magic~”

“And yet I’d be dead if I tried you.” I snorted. “Like, I love my women dangerous, but what’s stopping you from killing me?”

Lujei laughed. She stared and laughed. “You’re not even aware and it’s so cute~! I’ll help you, little Thrall, but it’s going to cost you more than you’re willing to pay.”

Yeah, Okthus? “Oooh…”

He came up behind her for all of two seconds before he got a whiff of her. Bloody piss ran down his leg and he let the Nether eat him.

A demonic Demi-God ran from her.

“... How unwise-”

“Oh, I’m already going to hurt you for that nasty smell that just popped up. I’d say yes before I ended up having to watch myself strangle my mothers to death~”

“Do you think you’re pretty?”

She gave me a look. “I am magnificent.”

“I was expecting a yes, but yeah, whatever. Let’s get the torture over with so we can take a walk.”

Lujei smiled. “One, two, or three? Please say three. I’d consider it a personal favor~”

“Are you cutting my dick off if I choose that one?”

She winked. “It’s the kindest choice you have.”

This can’t be it. It wasn’t supposed go like this… We didn’t even get a chance to finish the Absorption Rune! Fuck. Me. Fucking…

[We… We can stop here, if you want…]

… Yeah. I need a break.

Author's Note

The chapters seem to be coming out around the 10k mark pretty consistently. Hmm.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Face Off

Chapter Twenty-Four: Face Off

⋬❈⊛❈⋭

Slam.

“Twilight? Honey?” Mom looked at me, concern written across her face.

Switch.

Slam.

“Twily? Stars above, you could pass for ash’s cousin!” Shining cried.

Switch.

Slam.

“-and do a little shake! So what do you want to- Twily? You don’t look too good; are you okay?” Cadance leaned forward, nuzzling me.

Switch.

Slam.

“Twily? Honey?” Auntie Fleur leaned forward a bit, looking at me carefully.

The Aspect held. “... He’s safe.”

“Twily? Who’s safe?”

I looked at her, my eyes glowing with a deep, cosmic purple that seemed to draw in the darkness and turn it into light. “My husband, of course. That’s why I sent him here.”

“... Twily?”

“Fleur. Protect him, or I’ll take everything from you. He’s headed toward Hildegarten. Suit up.”

“Twily, you’re scaring me.”

I leaned forward and the world warped around me, bringing Fleur closer to me. “You’ve never known the fear I can bring to you; the despair. Protect my husband from shedding blood or you’ll pay with your limbs. Protect his life or you’ll pay with your own. Protect his mind or I’ll destroy yours piece by piece.”

“... Understood.”

Message sent. Sanity coming back. Slowly. He’s okay. He’s malnourished, but okay. Now I can keep an eye on him. It’s slowly getting easier to block out Nonexistence and The Outside; easier to resist the Call of The Void. Things are getting better. It’s easier to think now, but now I miss him. I missed him before, but I didn’t have to focus on it. I don’t have to miss him as much now. I can watch. We can see him. It’s healing. Growing. Strengthening.

I love being the strongest.

“Diliculum?” A young God asked, only a million years old in its base form.

“Felsh. Hello.”

“H-Hello… A-Are you… You know…?”

“I’m getting better. Is One-Oh-Eight still recovering?”

“Ah, we’re actually getting recruits from other Parallels that don’t mind scuttling a few ships. The Graylens are harsh, but they are effective.” I think Felsh was a ‘He’. I’m going with Xe though. Xe chuckled nervously.

“That they are. Is there something you needed, Felsh?”

“Just trying to see if you’re good, y’know?” Xe breathed a sigh of relief. “Things have been tense since you-”

“Speak of it and I’ll kill you.”

“Noted and avoided. How’s ultimate power?”

“Pleasant.” I patted Xer gooey head.

“Cool… Wanna mate?”

“No. Get away from me.”

Felsh shifted away and I went for a walk through the cosmos, casually snatching my sanity back in bits and pieces. The Aspects were warbling; shifting. Altering. And so was Jay…

Poor bastard.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I’d thought that burning up from superheated Mana from the inside out. I’d thought losing my brother was bad. I’d thought a lot of things were bad, but Lujei’s punishment… Defying that woman was madness. I should’ve known better, but even as I lay in a perfectly real, yet aptly symbolic puddle of my regret and remorse for my actions, Lujei had one of Grogar’s former servants drag me off somewhere dark and cool to recuperate. You remember how I started last time? When I told you about the breaking points?

[... Yeah?]

The final one was waking up as you see me right now, kid. I still can’t turn back.

[... Lujei was the one who turned you into a woman for good?]

Kinda. That didn’t happen until she lit up the chamber I was laying in, flat on my back. Fluttershy’s venom had been purged from my veins, but I was well and truly Super-Sane just like a Universal Council Member. I knew Lujei was coming before she arrived, and I knew that she was interfering with my senses; even the seventh one. Her glowing form entered the room and she smiled down at me, giggling as she floated about in a little circle.

“Wakey wakey, Neophyte. You’ve got to try moving sometime~”

My bones were sand and my muscles were jelly. It was a fruitless, painful endeavor.

She rolled her eyes. “Just shed your mortal body and follow me, Neophyte. Geez, I don’t know why you’re so attached to that form.”

It’s not like it was my original body or anything, but my original body was a prison made of razors that made my survival instinct peter out, piece by piece. The longer I resisted, the longer I suffered, and I knew it was pointless. Just by looking at Lujei, I knew that choosing ‘Option One’ had been her true hope, and by looking at her patient smile, I knew that she knew she had me. The only choices I had were to rip myself out of reality and hope she wouldn’t follow me through the Rift, which was pointless because she’d already done it before without me knowing. Going into the Nether without Grogar and Okthus was suicide, and Okthus was too piss-pants petrified of Lujei to raise so much as a finger against her. I did the only thing I could do.

I gave up.

[...]

It’s in the past, kid.

[I hear that from all of you guys. Anyone who tells me anything about the Martyr.]

… It’s how we deal with it…

[Do you need a break? Mom taught me a few of her charms that might help to ease your heart.]

{Don’t heal that arsewipe}

Shut up, Garrison. Vivi, don’t waste your time. There’s a scar on this wound and the ache goes away with over-the-counter shit-”

{You only say that because you franchised a dispensary.}

Ka-ching. Right. So does everyone feel a little better now? No one’s getting too depressed or anything?

{It’s only depressing to her, Bruv.}

[Shut up; Jay is finally talking about the thing!]

Exactly, so listen close because I don’t like talking about this shit. When I gave up, I exhaled as hard as could, emptying my lungs completely because I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to fill them once they’d collapsed. True to form, they imploded and I started spitting up blood. Pain was all I knew for a little while and death… It was nice. It was nice to be at peace for the first time in who knew how long at that point. Time worked differently in Grogar's castle anyway. Peace didn’t last long since Lujei snatched my soul out of the muted array of the Ether and shook my Aetera out, snatching me up and carrying me along with her in the palm of her hand.

The sheer amount of Mana that she was putting out lulled me into a sleepy state, but my limbs were restless. I just wanted to close my eyes and fade away, but my Ethereal and Aethereal forms fought hard to keep me from being eroded away, making me struggle for survival even after the chemicals in my brain had failed me. Before I knew it, Lujei had me in this body, sitting in front of a vanity mirror. My skin was so fair and soft that my first thought was that I was going to get my shit pushed in the second someone decided to hit me, and looking at myself in the mirror… The stranger moved as I moved, touched her face as I touched mine, felt her chest as I just…

{Take your time, Jay.}

[... Here.]

Thanks. Why do you carry a handkerchief?

[I’m a Priestess too, Dummy. Comforting the ailing is like, my thing.]

{Too bad you have some of your mother’s mannerisms}

[We’re not even related by blood!]

{She rubbed off on you over time by being your role model.}

[Tch.]

I’m gonna keep telling the story, okay?

{We don’t have to keep going, Bruv.}

I’m good, it’s just hard to get through sometimes. To get back on Track, Lujei held me from behind as I cried, groping one of my breasts as she licked my jaw. “Beautiful, aren’t you~? The female form is just so superior to the male form, don’t you think?”

“... Why?”

Her other hand slid from my cheek to my other breast before she squeezed them both firmly, the sensation arising from the act both alien and unwelcome. “Because, silly. I don’t like men and you were a man. Would you rather be dead?”

“... Yeah.”

“Good! Never try to sic a Demon on me again, okay, my little Mandarin? Oh! That’s a perfect nickname for you~ Mandarin~”

I closed my eyes, tears still streaming from them. “Kill me.”

“Nope. This is what you get for tampering with powers far beyond your scope~” She kissed my cheek, her lips cool and plush, burning like dry ice against my flesh. “Now, I’ll give you another choice. You can come on a little date with me, learn how to do Astral, or I can just ravish you. What say you, Mandarin?”

“It doesn’t matter. What haven’t you done to me?”

Lujei tittered and forced my eyes open with Magic, grabbing my hand and dragging me from my seat. My damnably weak knees wouldn’t hold me, so I hit the floor after a second or two. “That’s the spirit! That look in your eye~ The lethality in your voice~ Who do you love?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Who loves you?”

“They don’t matter.”

“I love you, Mandarin~”

“That doesn’t matter.”

She giggled mirthfully. “And what a wonderful choice you’ve made! I didn’t think it would take you a full week to break, but you are a special case, now aren’t you?”

I looked up at her and she looked down at me, still smiling pleasantly. “There’s nothing I want from you.”

“Like I ca~re.” She sang. “Now, are we playing dress up, or what?”

“Do what you want.”

“Now you’re just being a killjoy.”

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.”

“... Hmm… Should’ve just killed her. Oh well.” Lujei muttered to herself, picking me up by the arm. “Come along, then. I need to introduce you to the woman whose body you’re in, and then we need to start making our modifications!”

“... My body was powerful. This… Shell, is pathetic. She’s purely Human. There’s no Arkaish Mana in her flow. Everything I’ve learned is pointless.”

“... Right. Um…”

I looked at her with actual intent for the first time since she’d started torturing me. “... You intended on taking me on as a student and didn’t realize that my Shell was the reason I was powerful?”

“Um…”

“BITCH-”

“Oh shut up, we’ll jam some Mana in you wherever you want and-”

“I had two MRP’s, you utter fool.”

“That Shell is a Broker, too-”

“My birth Shell was a Conduit!”

Lujei rolled her eyes. “It’s not your array, it’s your potency. We’ll sort it all out momentarily, so come. Along.”

I struggled to get to my feet, the body still awkward and unfamiliar to me. Everything was too small other than my chest and ass, but those… they were too soft, too feminine. Lujei waited while I dragged myself out of my despair, the clothed form in the mirror still mimicking me. “... I had a small mole under my eye…”

“... It would make you a little cuter.” Lujei snapped her fingers and I had a beauty mark; little more than an especially dark freckle. “And I was right!”

Nodding, I sighed. “Let’s go.”

Lujei lead us out of the room and down a hall, floating lazily from side to side as if being blown along by a backwind. “Can you walk any faster, Mandarin?”

“This is a new body. How long was I down?”

“Eight days, but it’s fine. You made it out quote unquote ‘alive’, and I don’t feel like you’re a pain in the neck yet, so feel free to ask questions about scholarly subjects.”

“When can I get my hands on that fat ass?”

She turned and gave me a look. “My ass isn’t fat, and I’ll happily put you in a skeleton.”

“Kill me.”

“If only, if only the woodpecker sighed~ The bark on the trees was a little bit softer~” My tormentor sang cheerily.

Survive. Adapt. Overcome. I have survived. I am adapting. I must overcome. “Smoke your food out with fire instead of giving yourself a headache. Work smarter, not harder.”

“I see why your MRP was in your heart now~” She turned and buried her hand in my chest, pumping me full of Mana like she could have done before I was put into the body. That being said; shit hurt.

When she removed her hands, she jabbed me in both eyes and left me to wipe my tears away once she was done, clutching my chest and panting on the floor. That level of pain wasn’t terrible, but it was still pretty shitty to go through. “Fuck.”

“Feeling better?”

“... What Rank am I?”

“I wouldn’t bother teaching anything less than an A-Rank.”

“So I’m an A-Rank now?”

“That’s what I implied, isn’t it?”

“... Great. When I learn how to make this body do what I want, I’ll actually be a threat.”

“I didn’t hear a ‘Thank you.’.” Lujei sniped.

“You tortured me, killed me, nearly erased my soul, and shoved me into the body of an innocent person of the opposite sex because of your preference.”

“Still not hearing so much as ‘Thanks.’.”

“Kill yourself. Completely.”

“Such harsh words! What if I were to truly do something drastic!?”

“Songs of joy would be sung for a thousand years.”

“Huh… Usually when I break someone, they’re ready to commit to my every whim.”

“Fuck. Off.”

“Mmm~ Rebellion~”

I didn’t glare at her because I didn’t know how to make the Shell’s face move. “How did you get a Human body to Equis?”

“The same way you got me here, silly.” She booped my nose. “And it was such a pain to find a sexy ginger. I hope you come to appreciate your body.”

Looking at it made me want to be ill, but apparently the Shell had nothing its stomach. “It’s not me.”

“If you’re not you, then who is?” She asked, her voice cool like a brisk draft in your house during winter; wholly unwelcome and discomforting.

“I’m not me anymore.”

“And that would make you…?”

It took me a few minutes to gather what I’d learned from my days in agony; what I’d seen in my future. “I am... The Confector… God-damn.”

“... I beg your pardon?” Lujei asked, bewildered.

I looked her in the eye and my lips twitched. “Why did you stop us from building Grogar’s Pentacle?”

She smiled and winked. “Good girl.”

✧❖☬❖✧

The ‘Snack Sesh’, or rather, the act of grabbing fruit from a very hostile Ent, was fun to say the least. Dood ran decoy while I swooped in and made high-speed dives for bundles of the purple pods at a time. Once we’d gotten a few, we flew back to Dood’s nest and had a feast on the oblong seeds of the things. The seeds tasted something like walnuts and weren’t much harder to chew, but the flesh of the fruit was slightly sweet, though Dood wasn’t fond. He was, however, fond of the seeds, so we took our fill of our preferred parts of the weird nameless fruits and tossed the skins into a crevice.

“Dood, I love snacks.”

I nodded. “Snacks are fantastic. Would you happen to know how to get out of this crazy jungle by any chance?”

“Uh… I’ve kinda been here for like, a few hundred years, my Guy. The forest doesn’t really like, let you leave if it doesn’t want you to…”

“Well isn’t that just Hellish.” I said blandly. “What say you and I make this forest bow to us?”

“Sounds like a real bad idea, Broham.” Dood said uneasily.

“What’s the worst that could happen? We can both fly.”

“Like, yeah, but we have to like, land.”

“Fair point, but what if we fucked with the forest enough to make it want us to leave? If it sends things to kill us, then it’ll chase us out somewhere, no?”

“... I like the way you think, Dood!” Dood cheered, flapping his wings excitedly. “Like, let’s tear it up!”

I looked off into the distance, shifting the winds from my position. “Say, Dood?”

“Suh, Dood?”

“Could you catch a tornado on fire?” I asked, starting the process of making a tornado.

“Umm… If I like, just chilled out in the middle then prolly.”

Gesturing toward the slowly descending funnel of clouds and dust, I gave him a smile. “Then I believe that’s your cue.”

“Dood, that was a little too fast for comfort…”

“Wasn’t it, though? Fly, fly my friend! Into the storm yonder!”

“I shoulda knew you were the fun kinda crazy!” Dood spread his wings wide and took off with a plume of flame chasing him along the way.

Watching him zoom off was fun, and encasing him in violent winds was pretty great. Dood spouted tons and tons of flames into the winds that only made them grow even hotter over the course of the hour it took for the storm to gather. Soon enough, trees caught fire and there was a quaking in the earth, like something massive was moving, it’s steps shaking the land. With the tornado ready to go on Auto-Pilot, I flew over and dove into it so I could get Dood out of it, which wasn’t all that hard. However, with neither of us controlling the Fyrestorm, it kinda just did whatever it wanted and carved itself a merry path of destruction through the Everfree while Dood and I hovered in the air.

“Well isn’t that beautiful?” I asked, looking at the flames with mild interest.

Dood clicked his beak twice. “Totally sweet, my guy, but like, should we follow it in case it gets out of the forest before we do?”

“Yes. Yes we should.” It’s not like I needed any further impetus to get a move on, so I sped off and left Dood to follow.

He caught up quickly enough for me to not get irritated, but still. It took an hour for the Everfree’s inhabitants to start fleeing from the storm, and it took another for them to start targeting us before we put them out of the air. However, as we came to a glade in the Everfree, our storm died in seconds after having gone strong for so long and Dood was nearly shot out of the sky by a spear-like tree-branch. More were soon to follow, though they weren’t terribly high in number or accuracy. The first one seemed to have been a lucky throw, so Dood and I doubled back and came flying into the glade, weaving in through the trees that had been spared from the blaze. We landed and approached on foot this time around, entering the glade with no problems. From the other side I could see a woman who was oddly Human, but then again, I was pretty sure that she had antlers, so there was always that.

“Hey, asshats! Whose forest do you think you’re lighting up here!?” The angry, gorgeous woman shouted.

“Like, fuck.” Dood whispered. “It’d be a super bro move if you distracted her right now.”

“Consider it done.” I murmured. “Madam, could you tell us-”

“How to fuck off and get buttfucked!? Yeah, come on over and I’ll give you a true-to-life demonstration for Free-Ninety-Nine you punk-ass wankwad! Fuck do you think you are!? Flying over my perfectly fine forest-”

“More like a jungle, but continue.” I interrupted.

A piece of her antler suddenly bent and started growing, not unlike a javelin until she broke it off of her head and chucked it at me. I channeled my inner fly and swerved out of the way, preparing for a thing. “I don’t give a damn what you think it is! How many things did you just kill while trying to do Lord knows what!?”

“Would you happen to be a Goddess of some kind?” Might as well keep being pleasant.

“I am! I’m Verdandi, Sister of the Present, and presently I’m thinking of kicking your ass!”

“Would you mind kicking my arse out of your forest?”

“Like, me too?” Dood chimed in.

“I would love to.” She grumbled irritably, pointing to her right. “Go that way for five minutes and you’ll be out.”

“Sweet.” Dood drawled.

“Thank you very much, Your Majesty. It was an honor to make your acquaintance.”

“If I see you here again, I’m beating you within an inch of your life!” She growled.

“Noted. Have a lovely day.” My thing was prepared, so I blew Dood over to me, wrapping his flaming arse up in my arms and speeding off for thirty seconds instead of five minutes. We exited the forest and I started steering down toward the town that was nearby, circling it to lose speed during my descent.

“Doooood!” My companion cried.

“Yes?” I answered kindly.

“Wickeeed!”

“Quite.”

We landed soon enough and garnered a lot of attention for our descension, which was a good thing for once. I walked up to Random Stallion Number One and asked, “Excuse, my friend, but could you tell me where I am?”

“... Sadelle?”

“Lovely. Could you tell me how to get to Canterlot from here?”

“Uh… You could take Flight Route Thirty-Nine or the train.”

“What is a train?”

“A… Locomotive?”

“Ah. I see. I think I’ll fly. Thank you for the information.”

“No problem, but uh, about your phoenix…” He looked at Dood who was looking at us.

“Oh, his name is Noms or something or the sort. I call him Dood because he says it often.”

“... He talks.” The Stallion said slowly, not asking a question at all.

“Aye, he does.” I nodded, backing away from the strange man. “Have a good day, Friend.”

“You too.” He said oddly.

I went over to Dood and said, “These people are odd. Don’t phoenixes usually talk?”

“But I’m not a phoenix, my guy.”

“Well, what are you?”

He turned back into the peg-legged penguin. “This is me, Dood!”

“... You have peg legs.”

“They help me walk faster!”

“Interesting. However, I need you to be able to fly so we can go to a place called Canterlot.”

“Uh… Like, sure, I guess. Why not?”

“Bully. Don’t lag too far behind, okay?”

“Gotcha, Dood!”

With that, Dood changed back into his giant flaming bird form and I took off into the sky, looking for the Cloud Markers that would tell me where the Hell I was going. A few times we had to swoop down onto the road and check for a sign, but surely enough we eventually made our way around the Everfree, past a Pegasus town called Cloudsdale, and to Ponyville, though it had taken the better part of the day to make it that far since circumventing the Everfree, even while staying relatively close to it, was still time consuming. The forest was truly massive and the sinister energy it put off was plenty foreboding, so we had a veritable cornucopia of reasons to not try and make up a little time to get back to familiar territory.

I didn’t know where to go in Ponyville, so I went to Twilight’s house instead of going anywhere else because it seemed like a good idea at the time, but then as I chilled out in her tree with Dood, I realized that I could see Canterlot looming in the distance. Dood was tuckered out from expending so much Magic and flying all day, but I had some oil left to burn, so I took flight with him in my hands, having taken the form of a sparrow to conserve us both some energy. Making good headway wasn’t my goal this time: no I just wanted a place to rest my head and call it a day for the time being, but such things weren’t in the cards for me when I landed at the Castle Gates. Apparently I was being looked for and had been reported missing, so I was shuttled off to face the music once again, but this time I was sitting in front of Luna instead of Celestia and she wasn’t nagging me at all once I explained myself.

“So you managed to break the sound barrier. Impressive.” Luna complimented.

I shrugged. “It was fun, but I would hate to hit something while going that fast. I do apologize for disappearing again, though.”

She waved it aside. “The only person worried for your safety was Aria, and even then she was easy enough to calm down as long as we kept her distracted. You say you met a shape changing phoenix?”

I pulled my hood to the side and exposed Dood’s newly furry form, a chipmunk, as he sat on my shoulder. “Suh Dood?”

“... Holy stars above, it’s a freaking Prinny.”

“Yeah, Dood! That’s what I am, Dood!” Noms cried.

“Prinny, come forth.” Luna demanded. “I’ve not heard of your kind still existing in the modern era.”

“Aww, seriously?” He groaned, hopping off of me to take his true form. “I don’t wanna be the last Prinny, Dude!”

“Sadly it seems as though that may be the case.” She replied tenderly. “However, I would happily look after you as a member of an endangered, if not extinct, race.”

“I dunno, Dood. The only Princess I know anything about is Celestia and everyone used to say that she was moody.” Dood said uneasily.

“She’s still moody, but she’s more mirth than mood most days.”

“Yeah, I’m in then, Dood.” He answered lazily, flapping his wings a little.

“Perfect. Garrison, you are dismissed.”

“Great. Where am I dismissed to?”

She casually waved me off. “Find a servant and have them help you pick a room.”

“Even better. Have a good night, O’ Blue One.”

She gave me a look and I got out of there before she could think about shanking me or shivving me. Either one would hurt and both involved handcrafted tools, but neither were things I wanted to happen, so I eventually found a room that looked worthy of having me in it. The door was outlined with pink and gold, which told me that it was most likely a girl’s room, meaning that the bed was going to be awesome and that it was going to smell lovely. Guess who was wrong?

Sure as fuck wasn’t me.

After flipping on the lights, I saw that Aria was already tucked underneath some covers, snoozing away peacefully, so I memorized the layout of the room and snuck my way over to a sofa after flipping the lights back off. If it hadn’t been her, I probably would have hopped in bed and called it a night, but since it was, I kept watch, listening and waiting for the slightest sign of a bad dream or an invader; for some malady that never came to pass. Dawn was breaking as Aria was waking, so I finally let myself relax enough to doze off. I vaguely remember talking to my little sister before she went off to do something, but I do know that when I woke up, I was warm, smelly, and was covered by a quilt that I was sure she’d thrown over me.

As smell-proof as my armour was, my clothes needed a good wash, so I stripped, took a bath to wipe off some dirt, sweat, and grime, and stole one of Aria’s super-plush robes so I wouldn’t be walking around in literally nothing but armour since I didn’t actually have pants for it. The stroll to the Court Hall was breezy to say the least, but no one can say that my timing wasn’t good. When I came across the entrance to the Hall, I met a young Alicorn who looked rather distraught about whether or not she should go in or stay out. She paced in front of the door, her pink forehead glistening with a nervous sweat as her tri-toned mane bounced with every step. I recognized her and completely forgot something rather important.

“Wotcher, Cadance.” I said neutrally.

She jolted and stared at me, taking in my odd apparel. “... Hi.”

I looked at the door. “Are you waiting on Celestia to not be busy?”

“Um…”

“You have the authority to just walk in, you know. You told me that yourself.”

“... Um… When? Excuse me, but how do you know me?”

“... Oh yeah, that wasn’t real. Gods, I hate Illusions, don’t you?”

“You met me in an illusion?”

“Yes. Your husband was rather interested in my sister.” And you wanted some of me, if I’m not mistaken.

“If your sister is the Mare in there with Celestia, sitting on the arm of her throne, then I see why.” Cadance sighed.

“It’s a good thing you make him wear that cage, isn’t it?”

She nodded along before freezing in place. “I beg your pardon?”

“The ‘Cock Cage’, as you called it. You said that-”

“No! No-no. I didn’t say anything about it, okay? Okay.” She said quickly.

I took a step toward, her, letting my hand rest on the pommel of my knife. “If I know that much, then your husband must really be a weakling. I beat him easily in the illusion.”

“You take that back! Shining is a strong, dependable Stallion-”

“Who couldn’t currently stand a particularly strong kick to the dick, now could he?”

“Only a cheater would do that anyway!”

“Or someone who doesn’t give a fuck about the rules.”

Cadance took a step back as I approached her. “I’m capable of defending myself, if that’s what you’re trying to get at!”

“I’m not going to lay a finger on you.” I said pleasantly, giving her a disarming smile. “I just wanted to know where we stood. It’s nice where we are, so keep your husband away from my darling Robin.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Whew! I thought you were going to try something for a moment there!”

I gave her an obvious once over, raising a brow once I was finished. “If I wanted a married woman, I’d smelt her ring.”

Cadance blinked and I didn’t give her time to respond to that, walking the side entrance to the Court Hall and going to sit high on the dais opposite Aria. “Good afternoon, sleepyhead!” My little sister greeted brightly. “Did you get enough of your beauty rest?

“The quilt definitely helped with that; thank you.”

Aria giggled. “Mama says I can have all the blankets and pillows I want!”

“That’s right, little Robin.” Celestia confirmed, her tone warm and loving, gilded with motherly affection. “Though I wish you’d let me have something made for you rather than having you make everything yourself.”

“But how else am I supposed to infuse the Warmth of Love and the Calm of Kindness into them if I don’t make them?”

I looked at my irritated hands. “I knew there was a reason I was missing a layer of skin.”

“... What?” Celestia asked.

“Oooh… Emissary of Dissida. Sorry, Big Brother… I forgot...”

“It’s fine, Robin.” I chuckled. “It doesn’t hurt, it just feels odd.”

“Speaking of odd, you actually smell good for once!”

Celestia giggled at me and I glared up at both of them. “I’ve never had a man complain about the way I smell or dress.”

“That’s because men don’t care, silly.” Aria tittered.

“True.” The Princess chimed in.

I rolled my eyes. “I smelled fine before.”

“You smelled horrible.”

“You smelled like an aminal. Aminal. Am-in-al. Gosh darn it!”

Celestia and I took a moment to chuckle at her, the conversation dropping until after we’d had a few faces come and go from Court. Well, in between we chatted and talked about my history with Aria and her own years in Amelemme’s court, but it wasn’t terribly important chatter, nor was it terribly informative to me since I knew pretty much everything Aria was willing to expose about Amelemme’s main Temple. Eventually, as is with all busy-bodies and generally active people, I got bored and headed out to go do something, but this time I stayed within the Castle’s grounds. I headed back out to the Ranger training grounds and spotted Flash Frost firing off a full quiver into a now-feathery target. Once he was out of arrows, I approached him.

“Wotcher, Bruv.” I said pleasantly.

He gave me a look. “I thought you’d be in Minosia by now.”

“Not quite. Say, could you give me a few tips for the art of archery?”

“There are better shots nearby. Ask one of them.”

“You’re closer.”

“Don’t be lazy.”

“I could say the same to you.”

Flash gave me another look. “What are you trying to pull here, Meatsack? Because I don’t wanna be bothered with you, and it’s really nothing personal.”

“Fair enough. I suppose I could ask someone else.”

He nodded and I walked away from him, studying the few faces I saw flashing here and there, going about their routines as required. I stopped and asked quite a few Rangers for tips about staying alive, but few of them had been Rangers long enough to pick up any specific tricks or actually know anything. As it turned out, Pony Rangers were the only ones who normally got trained, and the other races only trained each other. As one of the few Humans in Equestria, let alone being the only one with any skill with a bow, I was a little shit out of luck as far as training went, so I flew back to the Court Hall to be incredibly bored until one of the most striking women I’d ever seen came in alongside a ghostly, pale woman that kept a hand on the redhead’s shoulder.

[Wait, no-]

{Shh, Garrison’s never told me any of this shit either.}

Of course, the white-haired beauty with the thorny tattoos crossing her body was statuesque; a marvel to look at, but the redhead tapped Empress Twilight’s shoulder and let her know that she had competition, giving her a good shove off of the pedestal I’d placed her on. I locked eyes with her; grayish green stones meeting honey-laden gems with nothing behind them. In her eyes I saw The Grey, but in her face I saw a golden band. The gentle slope of her jaw seemed to be cut perfectly from stone to fit my fingers, her lips filled with ecstasy waiting to be exchanged upon first kiss-

{Gettin’ creepy, Dude. Real creepy.}

[I think it’s sweet! Keep going!]

… Sure, whatever, I’ll just tap you or something when I’m done. Vivi, why does your Aunt act like a child?

[What else did you think was pretty about Jay?]

Hmm… My eyes slid from her lips to her cute little nose, begging for a smooch that would inevitably make her scrunch her face up. I couldn’t see one of her eyes since she had a few locks of her covering half of her face, but it only suited her further, making her seem a little mysterious. The way her hair seemed to just do whatever it pleased at the ends made my heart throb, and the slope of her neck, dipping down to her collar, caught my eye and nearly kept it for too long. My gaze drifted from her neck to her bust, down to her narrow waist and slightly wide hips. I could tell that her thighs were worthy of attention from the way her dress hugged her midsection, and I couldn’t wait to find out who she was.

I descended from the dais and Celestia said, “Halt! Garrison, don’t move!”

The temptation to turn and look at her was ridiculous, but I held my ground nonetheless. “Ah, I see you’re more observant than our little friend here~” The ghostly woman crooned. “Such a shame; I was interested in seeing what he was going to do.”

“Who are you?” The Princess demanded.

The ghost rolled in the air, lazily spiraling horizontally. “Oh, I’m just Lujei. Friendly neighborhood usurper of Grogar’s throne. And his protoge~” She grabbed ahold of my newest crush and licked her cheek.

The redhead didn’t even flinch.

“You… Killed Grogar?” Celestia asked carefully.

“Oh, if you knew how to use your power, you could have done it too, Princess. Too bad, so sad~” Lujei taunted. “Well, anywho, I just stopped by to drop my widdle Mandawin off in your love and care since she refuses to learn from me right now. I’ll be by to pick her up later though, so take care of her, okay~?”

“Wait, what-” Celestia started.

Lujei faded out of existence and the redhead started walking forward, so I walked up to meet her. “Wotcher. Name’s Garrison.”

“I know. I’m Jay.”

[... So!?]

I kissed her. You already knew that.

[Oh my gosh, you kissed a guy!]

{I’m not exactly a man these days, Sweets.}

[Whatever! It’s still funny!]

Like I was saying, I got to snogging Jay and she didn’t do anything to stop me, so I pulled away after a few seconds and said, “You’ve got better lips now.”

“I’m not fond. Trade you.”

I looked her up and down. “Deal.”

“Switch me. Now.”

I headbutted her softly. “Did it work?”

“... I fucking hate this body.” Jay growled, her voice a fierce, middling alto.

I put my hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye. “Whose body is this?”

“Some poor girl named Mariana.”

“What happened to your body?”

“It’s been disintegrated. I held it together for as long as I could, but…” She sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

My voice died in my throat and I tried to use whatever Magic I could to see if it really was Jay behind those empty eyes, but even as I mingled our Magicks, I couldn’t feel anything familiar. Nothing about her was Jameson any more. All I could do to offer support was wrap my arms around her. “... I’m so sorry…”

“It’s deserved, Gauche.” She pushed me away after a few seconds, her face devoid of expression. “Nothing I can do is going to make me me again, and it’s all because I fucked with Black Magic. I deserved this…” Jay shook her head and checked my shoulder as she walked past me. “Celestia. You have a mission for me, right?”

“... And you are?”

“I literally just went over this.”

“I wasn’t listening to your conversation all the way over there.” Celestia lied. “It would have been rude.”

“I’m Jay.”

“Ah. Oh… At least you’re cute.”

“Very!” Aria agreed, hopping down the dais. “Do you wanna be my girlfriend?”

“What?” Jay asked.

“No.” I snapped.

“Aria, that’s a man in a woman’s body. That your brother kissed.”

“Ew, Sonny, you’re a tribad!?”

I gestured toward Jay. “You want some of her too!”

“Ew.” Jay said. “I’m not trying to have two siblings come after my newly minted lady-bits.”

“Does the carpet match the drapes?” Aria and I asked at the same time.

“There is no carpet.” She answered flatly. We fist-pumped simultaneously and Jay gave us a shitty look. “You’re not coming inside the house, so fuck off.”

“You’re no fun.” I grunted.

“Buzzkill.” Aria huffed.

“Good Heavens, my children are deviants.” Celestia groaned.

“I’m not your kid.” I answered quickly.

“Well…” Aria said awkwardly.

“Aria asked me to take you in as my own. I saw no reason to deny her that.”

“Yeah, but we both know that I have little reverence for you and barely do what you say when it benefits me.”

“Oh Garrison, please?” Aria begged. “You always used to tell me stories about how we’d have a nice Mommy who would feed us and have a nice house and hug us and kiss us and tuck us in at night and love us and Celestia’s that Mommy! She’s nice and kind and warm and she’s just the best!”

“Our needs are different, Robin. You need a mother like Celestia. I never have.” I answered, trying not to be bitter about the balance between us.

“Didn’t you tell me that you had a woman you considered a mother nonetheless?” Celestia asked.

“I’d rather not insult you in front of my sister, so I’ll thank you to leave the past where it is.”

“You had a Mommy and you didn’t tell me?” My little sister asked, sounding hurt.

“She wouldn’t have liked you. You’re too kind.”

“See!? That’s why you need a Mommy like Celestia! To teach you how to be like me!”

I gave her a look. “You hit people for the most inane things.”

“I’ll whack you for that.”

“Case in point.” Jay muttered.

“I don’t need the back up, but it’s appreciated. I don’t want to join Celestia’s family, Aria.”

“... Even if that means leaving ours?” Aria queried softly, giving me the Sad Eyes.

“Stop looking at me like that. I’m not changing my mind.” I said flatly.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please with honeyed coffee?”

Fuck. My one weakness! “... Get the cup and we’ll talk.”

“Yes! You won’t regret this, Big Brother!”

“Already do.” I grumbled as she sped off to go get my damn coffee. I turned back to Jay and asked, “Are you trying to find out what sex as a female feels like?”

“They make fake dicks for that, faggot. I might not remember what my original Shell feels like, but I do know that I used to be a guy. Stop trying to fuck me.”

“Nah.”

“God, this is fucking with me noodle.” She muttered, rubbing her temples and walking away from me.

I followed at distance. “Are you finding me attractive?”

“Yes, and it’s killing me.”

I watched her as she walked, her movements stiff and a little awkward. “So you’ve truly changed forms.”

“Yes, and it sucks. I need to relearn how to do everything.”

“Start with walking.” I snarked.

Jay flipped me off and got over to Celestia as best she could. “When do you want me to do this stupid mission so I can come back and kill myself?”

“Suicide is a felony in Equestria, Jameson.” She answered softly.

“Just call me Jay. I don’t want to hear that name anymore.” The Human said bitterly, taking a seat next to the Princess.

Celestia sighed. “You’ll get used to it, Jay. It’s still reversible in some fashion, I’m sure?”

“I don’t even remember what I used to look like…” She murmured.

“... Okay, maybe not so much, but still. I’ve been a man as well and I can tell you that I much prefer being a woman.”

“That’s because you were born as one.”

“Counterpoint; You can leave on your mission as soon as Ladesa shows up.”

“And I go find the room we put my clothes in.” I chimed in.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “I thought you were just wearing a robe to be eccentric or because it was soft. I’ll have someone guide yourself and Jay to your room.”

I nodded. “Tell them to bring condoms-” Jay hit me pretty hard. “Ow.”

“Shut up. I got enough of that shit living on Arkaid; I don’t need it here.” She growled.

“I’ll tone it down.”

Celestia sighed. “Jay? Try not to kill him. Garrison? Don’t sexually harass her or I’ll turn you into a female as well.”

She should have known better than to say that. Jay should have known better than to stand next to me. I should’ve known better than to do it, but I still almost got turned into a girl for copping a feel.

[Lecher.]

Heya, Jay? How’d that feel, by the way?

{... Shut up, faggot.}

[Heehee! You’re a pervert too!]

Why is it funny when she does it, but it’s creepy when I do it?

[Because she’s a girl, duh.]

Shut up. Anyway, I jumped out of the way when Celestia shot her Lady Laser at me. It wasn’t hard to do since I doubt she was expecting me to move so fast, but she also didn’t try to follow up with another blast, so that was nice. Once the pink energy faded from her horn, she summoned a servant to take Jay and I to my room so I could get changed and whatnot while Jay stole some of my clothes so she’d look more masculine. It didn’t work and she eventually just put her dress back on, complaining that she was not appreciating the gap between her thighs at all. However, neither of us where shy about undressing in front of the other, so I’d say it was a worthwhile experience, and from the blush on your face I’m gonna say that you remember it pretty well, no?

{Tell the damn story!}

Right. So Jay and I relaxed for awhile until Ladesa finally schlepped her arse out of Godsholm and back to Equis, or rather, she told me she was in Godsholm and was really spending time elsewhere. I didn’t really care what she did since we weren't doing anything time sensitive, but I still wished that she hadn’t teleported to the front gate of the castle instead of just coming directly to me. It didn’t matter too too much, but it still meant that we were going to have to go and wait one more day to complete the damn task, and I wasn’t sure how long Jay was going to hold it together. The longer I spent with her, the less stable she seemed. Just… More…

{I was freshly shoved into a new body. I was freaking out.}

You were adjusting and it was obvious. Ladesa and I commented back and forth while you tried to figure out how to make your face move properly again, how to get your digits working, and I’m sure you remember Ladesa telling you how to use the loo as a girl.”

{Front to back, just like it always was.}

[You really didn’t have to say that.]

{And Lujei didn’t have to turn me into one of you, so shut up and let Garrison tell his part of the damn story.}

[But what about Fluttershy and Diane!? When are we gonna get back to them!?”

Next time, Vivi. This is a guy’s life we’re talking about.

[Girl- Ow!]

{Shouldn’t have been a smartass. Garrison?}

So Ladesa and I observed Jay for a little while longer until we all decided to go to sleep. Jay tried to use his vagina to make me sleep on the couch, but there was no going on that one, so we all found a place on the enormous bed and didn’t have to get close to sleep with anyone. Ladesa was used to it from her days in the Guild, Jay from his childhood with a house full of family, and I from most of my life. No one that I was aware of got touched, but I did end up following Ladesa into Godsholm for a chat.

“So it’s all going down as planned?” I asked once we were outside of the stone outer walls of Godsholm. I’d describe the place, but it’s truly something you have to see for yourself to even believe it existed. Seriously.

“Yeah, yeah, I talked to her and she’s working on it. We’ll probably have better luck in Minosia, though. At least, that’s where she says your Cell is.” Ladesa answered unenthusiastically.

“Are you still mad that-”

“You enslaved my mother instead of me? Why no, how could I possibly hold that against you?”

“Mmm~ Avalesch sarcasm. Sharper than most.”

“Asshole.”

I smirked at her. “We’re offgrounds.”

She cast a couple of furtive glances around her before cracking a tiny smile. “I still don’t believe you pulled it off.”

“First thing you learn about a Varas, and say it with me now:”

We prepared to say the thing, “Never underestimate a Varas.”

Ladesa let herself have a little chuckle. “Oh, this is gonna be great!”

“Just remember-”

“I know, I know, it stays between us until we know where Jay’s loyalties lie. For all we know, he could be gunning for Capital G too since Max was a friend of his, right? It would make sense for him to try and get revenge on Empress Twilight.”

“Ah, she prefers Kauku, and it’s suicide to challenge her. Which is why we’re not doing that.”

“She already knows what we’re doing though.”

“And she hasn’t killed us for it, so I’d say we’re doing it right, no?”

“I swear you used to be less crazy.”

“Less inventive, more conventional-”

“You call hiding in a sack of flour to get into a castle conventional?”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“That’s not the point I was trying to make-”

“But it worked, did it not?”

“Yes, it worked, but who does that!?”

“Me. I do that. Duh.”

“You also play with molten metal, which is a lot more dangerous than fire. You’re a really smart guy, Gauche, and it shows, but how long do you think you can keep this up?”

The golden sky caught my attention once more and I watched Lumos’ Moons as they hovered overhead; feeling so near, yet out of reach. Just like Kauku. “... I don’t know. Dissida’s devotion is already being tested by this Discord fucker and Furladra’s going to find out about our ruse before the plans are done. I know that much.”

“Not if I keep quiet-”

“She can’t betray me. You can’t betray her. If she tells you to free her by any means necessary, then it won’t count as a betrayal by the First Edict since freedom is a right from birth.”

“Not in Godsholm. The First Edict? That shit’s Human, Gauche. The only Edicts that are real are the ones the Gods themselves put out there. Kinda like how Mum’s is based offa Lemme’s, but there isn’t actually a universal code or anything.”

“Well, isn’t that nice.”

“Very. Still; I’d suggest telling her not to like, torture me or anything-”

“Furladra?” I asked, smiling.

Ladesa folded her arms and waited for her mother appear alongside me. “You called, Garrison?”

“Give your daughter a kiss for me, will you?” I requested.

They both looked at me. “... What kinda kiss?” Ladesa asked.

The look on my face must have been predatory because Furladra said, “You can’t make me do that.”

“Just a little motherly peck on the cheek is all I’m asking here.”

Ladesa presented her cheek and Furladra kissed it. “Was that all?”

I stepped toward them both and wrapped them up in a hug. “I need you both to know that something’s terribly wrong. Furladra, I need you to seek out Somnelle and find out what’s attacking my dream. Ladesa, go wake Jay up; I don’t think this is just on me.”

“It’s not bothering me at all, but I’ll go see if I can rouse you two.” Ladesa winked out, leaving Furladra and I, and then just myself.

I started heading back towards Godsholm Proper when I felt someone wink in behind me and saw another in front of me. They were pinching me off and I didn’t know exactly why, but I did still have my Magic, so I took off from the ground and soared through the air at speeds that left birds flailing about in the sky in my wake. Sadly, I was in the land of the Gods, meaning that for every one of them that was landlocked, there was another that wasn’t much for touching the ground. My Air Bubble made the first fellow who wanted to make a snack out of me bounce off easily enough, but it was destroyed when someone threw a fucking fireball at me, trying to knock me out of the sky.

Evasive maneuvers were the only ones I could work with since my assailants were staying tight on my tail, but the thing was that I shouldn’t have had a chance against Gods. What I realized all too late was that I was being baited; forced into Godsholm while my mind was likely being torn apart in the dreamscape. With that knowledge bouncing around my skull, I started flying as fast and as hard as I could in a circle, hoping to make a funnel of wind strong enough to get the fuckers off of my back, but there were so many Gods in the sky that I had no hope of getting my funnel to touch the ground. Things just kept getting worse and worse as the pursuers closed in one by one until I was kicking and punching them off of me mid-air.

One of them eventually got the drop on me and speared me from above, using his body as a battering ram, driving me face-first into Godsholm’s hallowed grounds. Nothing can die in Godsholm, but everything feels pain, and getting slammed into the ground? Pain. A lot of it, but not exactly like having your bones melted for a week. I’d been through worse and had picked up from it just fine, but being pummeled by minor Gods was just pretty shitty in general until my sweet little Dissy showed up and started claiming souls. Her battlecries rang out against all others, and when Mark dragged me out from underneath the mass of Gods, I’d never been more grateful for flagrant sexual assault and slavery in my entire life.

Mark and Cluck guarded me while I got my shit together, but I didn’t have any of my weapons with me in Godsholm since they’re banned unless you’re a craftsman. I’m not one of those, but Dissida did teach me how to kill more efficiently and how to channel my pain and anger into raw, lethal strength, as well as how to stoke the fires of fury to get your steel tempered just right. In other words, once I shook off the worst of the damage, I was gouging eyes, breaking trachias, and snapping whatever bones I could get my hands on, because fuck those guys. I was fully intending on finding out whether or not I could gore some Man-Cow’s horn into a Man-Bird’s beak when Dissida grabbed my hands and smashed them together, doing the experiment for me. We succeeded and I immediately turned to give her a Hunter’s Kiss, which was touching cheeks whenever weapons are/should be drawn. We stood back to back, but no one was willing to approach Dissida, and I was proving to be worthy of the title ‘Emissary’. Mark circled back, officially stepping down to ‘Envoy’ and the pack made a perimeter around the remaining Gods who weren’t trying to piece themselves back together.

“This wasn’t them. Too organized. We have to go.” Dissida spat quickly.

“On your mark.”

“Get set.”

“That was the-”

“Now, fool!”

I tsked and leapt backward, turning in the air as I did so to land feet first in Dissida’s antechamber. “Alright, so the fuck is happening?”

“You’ve been plotting something behind my back, Master.” Dissida said angrily. “You’ve been doing something behind the scenes and I-”

“Have a place in my plot as whatever you wanna be. Dissida, do you think I’m just going to use you up and throw you away?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.

She bore her fangs at me, her eyes glistening with her pink tears. “You’ve made it obvious that you don’t really care about me, so save your honeyed lies!”

“... Discord’s been feeding you all sorts of evils, hasn’t he.” It wasn’t much of a question.

“Discord loves me! He loves me for who I am!”

“No, he loves you for what you are. I love you for who you are, as straight up fucked up as that is.” I replied drily. “He loves you because you’re a being like him. Chaotic. Hard to look at in his case, and I’m sure you still get your fair shares of terrified looks,” Her cheeks lit up with a purple blush, “but that’s just about wear the similarities stop. I know you, Dissida. We spent a long time together-”

“But what did it matter!?” She cried. “We-”

“Made love after I was tortured; eaten alive by your subordinates for five hundred years. I know you kept me an extra century. I wasn’t all that crazy the first time I went insane, but I just watched you… I’ve been watching you for a long time, Dissida. None of your own family knows you as well as I do.” I closed the distance between us and placed my hands on her arms. “... Why did you come for me if Discord’s been manipulating you? Or should I be asking why it took you so long?”

“... I wanted to see how long you would last without me to help you... B-But I did it as your mentor! I didn’t want to just swoop in and save you when I knew you weren’t going to lose your life!” Dissida answered, not realizing that I’d turned the tables on her.

“That’s perfectly fine and I understand it, but then why?” I asked, still trying to get my answers.

“... A woman always remembers her first…”

Hahaha! Haha! Hahahaha! Ha! Bwahaha! “I didn’t expect that. I’m honoured.” I said as honestly as I could get.

[Be ashamed of yourself for once.]

{Why’d you laugh?]

I popped Satan’s cherry. And brown cherry!

{Pffft}

[Oh my God, I’m getting a snack if you two want to stop making fun of some poor woman who probably felt used and unloved.]

She was being used and the love I felt for her was like kissing your kidnapper.

{Guy’s got a point.}

[Oh shut up.]

Heya, grab me a ginger ale!

{We got any herb left?}

[Get in here and check for yourselves, lazybones!]

…

Ah, I knew you were too nice to leave your dear ol’ Uncle hanging.

{Guess you don’t like me, huh?}

[Drugs are bad, M’kay? They just are, M’kay?]

{Whatever. Babe?}

On it. So Dissida took my shock in stride and actually smiled. “You- You actually expected me to have been with someone before you?”

“Well, am I supposed to say no?” I scratched my head. “I honestly- Oh, yeah, yup, I see why. Sorry, I just kinda forget that you’re a Goddess sometimes. Chaos and Destruction and all that.”

She kissed me, her forked tongue hugging mine in just the right way to make it more comforting than creepy, her snakes giving me kisses of their own before she pushed me away. “I can get you to your dreamscape and stop the horde, but you’re on your own with the stragglers.”

“How many, Hellgirl?”

“There’s a lot, Meatboy. There’s a lot.”

“Super. Is your faith restored?”

“Are you going to tell me why Hypraedes wants you in chains, but alive?”

“... Um… I dunno who that is.” I said slowly.

“Later. I don’t have time to deal with this love dodecahedron bullshit.” Dissida winked me out of her realm and into the Dreamscape, but finding my dream was a little on the difficult side since it was currently such an abyssal black that it blended in with the area around it. The sad thing was that I had to stand at an angle to even see the damned thing, it was so dark.

I didn’t actually know how to Dreamwalk since I’d only ever used it as a gate to get to Godsholm, but I did know that the only way to help myself was to do something, so I threw myself headlong into the spinning black mass of whirling death because it was the best idea I had. Little did I know that I’d literally just done the worst bloody fucking thing possible, which just so happened to be the only thing I could do at the moment. What I should have done was try to look for someone else’s dream and try to get them to carry a message and see if that would work to get a message to Celestia or some shit, but nooo, I just had to hop into the middle of a nightmare where I was fighting off hordes upon hordes of familiars of all shapes, sizes, and rarity.

Fuckin’ sucked, it did.

When yours truly jolted into his dream-form, he lost all sense of who he was and got lost in the battle in seconds. Transitioning between mental states can be tough under duress, and while my night terrors generally suck enough on their own, I didn’t need any Gods-be-Damned squirrel trying to get up my trouser leg, so I ended up shooting the damn thing with Pam and took off into the sky since birds all tend to have hollow bones, and whacking them out of the sky is fun. There were a few hummingbirds that got too close for comfort to my eyes, and I had to fling a centipede onto a condor and blast them both because some orange simian with lanky arm kept lobbing shit at me. Sometimes it was actual shit, so I shot that son of a sow with a Marked Arrow, creating a thin stream of ‘vacuum’ or whatever nothing is supposed to be called-

[Wait, so you basically made like, a vacuum tube to suck your arrow straight to the target?]

Eeyess.

{It’s misnamed, not ineffective. A rose by any moniker should still stab the fuck out of you.}

Can I get to the part where that poo-slinging Shitbag had the muscle and fat from its chest blown out of the front of its torso by the force of the arrow, breaking off chunks of bone and dealing with that particular nuisance for good?

[... That poor monkey…]

Fling poo at me and you die, which is a lesson that a few other simians learned over the course of the next few minutes. My Air Bubble or Air Shield, whichever I want to fucking call it at the moment, kept my aerial attacks from doing anything once I got it up, and the Vacuum Field I created around myself was enough to get most of the created that flew with wind out of the sky. However, everything only sounds easy right now is due to the fact that the shadowy Angels stalking my every move, taking unpleasantly accurate shots at me with wicked bows that flung arrows of bright pink light that streamed a Miasma wherever they flew, had only just come into sight. The sickeningly sweet perfume that streamed from the arrows made my head feel foggy and my stomach rolled with the tides, but I soldiered on and continued dodging as best I could, cursing Magic for not solving all of my problems like it did for everyone else, apparently.

It took me a couple of seconds to actually realize what that thought had been, and it wasn’t something I liked to cast any kind of perspective upon. Out of nowhere, I’d suddenly started relying far too much on my Magic to get me out of trouble, and that infuriated me. Made me feel weak and helpless in a world where the odds were sketchy at best and abysmal at worst, even as I tried to stack the deck in my favour. It hurt my heart to realize that losing Maud had weakened me, and that Furladra’s willingness to betray her most loyal servant was evident enough that she’d risk me losing everything. It hurt my heart to realize that I’d come to rely on Daywalkers again and had started seeing them as more than contacts, and it hurt my heart… It hurt most of all to realize that out of fucking nowhere, out of the fucking Wild Blue Yonder, I had something to lose.

For once since Aria’s death, there was a reason for me to keep struggling when even my usual amount of willpower would have faded, as inhuman as some people may have called it. There would have been a point in the One-Man-War where I would have succumbed and just figured out who Hypraedes was and why he wanted me. There would have been a point in time where I would have reached into my pocket and drank my vial of nightshade, cyanide, and niacin; the Left Hand’s ‘cure all’, to say the least, and just let the darkness take me. But no. Not now. Now I had Aria back, and she was the same as she ever was with a heart just as big and full of love as I remembered. And then there was Twilight who was like the smarter, more bashful version of Aria, who was more outgoing and outspoken. I could see similarities in both and I knew that I’d come to love Twilight as I did Aria if given the chance… And as much as I hate to admit it, I had Dissida and Furladra to fight for. Ladesa and my Guild. My life wasn’t that important to me, but my life? My close ones and aspirations, my love, dreams, hopes, and ambitions all boiled down within me and turned from a warm scarlet, a creamy blue, a vivid yellow, and a fiery orange all turned pitch. Black.

I hated who I’d become.

I hated the weakness. The emotional chinks in my armour that anyone could exploit. The dependence on literal Deus-ex-fucking-Machina Magic.

I hated it.

{... You good?}

… When I snapped to, everything around me was red, pink, white, and yellow. The fight had gone on in the middle of Maric apparently, though the last thing I remembered was being in a forest where entrails weren’t nailed to every window, streaming along every transom, pierced into their positions with the bones of other animals and familiars wherever they may have been. I was already standing ankle deep in a pond of blood while I looked around at the carnage that I’d wrought by my soul finally bonding back to my body. At that point, I couldn’t help but crack a smile and wonder how many guttural screams had been sounded in a fruitless attempt to garner attention as I fell to my knees, exhausted magically and physically.

With all of the familiars that I could sense out of sight, I picked myself up and entered one of the houses in the downtown area since I’d been inside before and had a seat, closing my eyes and trying to wake up. However, when I opened my eyes, I came face to face with an ugly fucker, and I do mean ugly. I glared at him and my lip curled, hatred forming in my gut for the creature before me. Bloodsoaked as I was, I’d imagine that I cut a pretty daunting figure to most people, but when you’re facing a thing with enough appendages to make a centipede sweat and a mouth full of tentacles creepy enough to give anything with an octopus fetish wet dreams for decades, it matters a little less.

“Kaid.”

I pointed at myself. “Gar. Is. Son.”

The being bleated a dark, insidious laugh that made the marrow in my done vibrate as if my very cells were telling me to shut up and run. “Bravado... Admirable.”

“Fuckin’ bet it is.” I growled. “What do you want?”

“Join... Choossse... Decide... Lead...”

“Just in case any of those were questions, I’m just gonna run down the list: Joined my Guild, chose my Guild, decided on my Guild, and I believe I’ll lead my. Guild.”

‘He’ laughed some more and drove much of the strength I’d been gaining from my body, leaving me feeling weak and chilly. “Wrong... Change… Equis...”

“... Which side makes me strong again?” I asked, thinking I was prepared for the answer.

“Күшсіз...” It hissed. “Lies…”

“... Who are you?”

Its mouth-tentacles spread and revealed a plague-rotted mouth, both the tentacles and the mouth forming the facsimile of a smile.

“I... Am… Ithaca…”

Ithaca spread its wings and enveloped me, it’s glowing eyes burrowing into my mind, forcing me to see what I’d wanted to see for a thousand years: Odysseus’ full and complete death over the course of a month and a half. By the end of it, his corpse was unrecognizable and Frieda put him out of his misery against my direct orders, but I understood and sympathized with why she did it.

“Why show me that?” I inquired quietly.

“Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate… Fate…”

“Fate, yes, I-”

“FATE!” It thundered, blowing me out of my dream and straight into Ladesa arms as she tried to shake me awake.

“Gauche? Bruvva, what’s going on!?”

I gripped her arms to get her to stop shaking me and looked at Jay, who looked pretty shaken herself. “... Ithaca.” I explained the situation as I knew it to them, ending with a rather stressed, “Who the bloody fuck is Ithaca!?”

Jay gave me an odd, worried look that made my panic waver in favour of concern. “As far as I know, it’s not a ‘who’ so much as a ‘where’. It’s the birthplace of Odysseus the-”

The free Denosian walked into the tavern full of slavers.

You could’ve heard a falling feather mid-flight

“Fucking what.”

“Oh. Shit. Shit. I don’t like the connections here, Gauche! Aren’t we-” Ladesa said weakly.

“Literally slated to go back to the slaughterhouse tomorrow? Yes; yes we are. Looks like Pops might have something left to say.” I answered, looking at Jay. “What can you do?”

She raised a brow. “I still need my E.Q, but I’ve got the Mana to back us up. Just don’t expect me to be throwing wards and shit; I don’t do White Magic.”

Ladesa gave him a queer look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I specialize in Artificery, Runic Enchantment, Alchemy, and Blood Magic as far as Magic in general goes, in that order. I don’t actually know how to heal anyone without cutting into them, and it’s a patch job at best.” Jay explained.

Ladesa pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yeah, no, we both already know Blood Magic is a no go, and I don’t see how suped up gear is going to do shit for us if we don’t actually have it.”

“Can you shoot?”

“... Yes?”

“Have gun. Make dead fast.” She gave her a thumbs up with one hand and a strange firearm with a cylindrical chamber that was most likely a ‘revolver’ with the other. “You strong, so you get big one.”

“... Where did you get that from?” I asked.

Jay held up a rather gaudy satchel of some kind. “Lady can’t leave the house without her purse, right?”

“... Where did you get that from?” Ladesa asked.

Jay shrugged. “I wouldn’t think about it too hard.” She pulled out a fucking ridiculous hand-cannon that made me slightly erect (Don’t judge me) when she exposed its full might. “Bunker Buster. Huh. Thought I lost you. Mine.”

“Damn.” I grunted.

She gave me a look. “You already have Pam, so don’t bitch.”

“Fair point. And I have Timothy, which I might shoot you with if you don’t tell me how you know what my gun’s name is.”

Jay rolled her eyes, and I knew for a fact that, when it happened, she had absolutely no control over what she was doing. Her eyes softened as she looked at me once more and her lips curved into one of the most… Just… Heart-melting. It was like she knew exactly what to do to shut me up and stay my hand. “I guess I just like to know things about interesting men~” She blinked. “The fuck?”

Ladesa stared at him. “... Aren’t you straight?”

“Hella.” Jay snapped. “Fuckin’ Shell’s just gettin’ to my head.”

“Damn. And here I was hoping to make my dubious sexuality even more dubious.” I sighed unhappily. You know, because I was you know, unhappy.

“Aw- Fuck!” Jay hopped off of the bed and jammed a finger in my direction. “We sleep on the bed. Keep your ass on the couch.”

I raised a brow. “This is my room and thus my bed.”

“Well, you keep tryna fuck a brotha whose brain is loco mocha right now, and it’s basically like trying something with a drunk chick. I don’t want you, Bruh. I never will. The Shell might want some dick, but I’ll be damned if I give into that gay shit. Jay don’t get fucked: he doth fuck” She seethed, her warring emotions obviously causing her turmoil, as obvious as it was on her face as the muscles twitched seemingly randomly.

“Um…” Ladesa said. “I’d rather not sleep in the bed with a man, but I don’t give two shits about what equipment Gauche’s got. It is his room, anyway.”

“So I’ll sleep on the damned couch! As long as hand- Fuckin’ sketchy ass stays away from me.” Jay huffed fiercely.

“Whatever helps, Jay.” I said calmly. “Just let us know.”

She looked between Ladesa and I, seeing Ladesa’s mild annoyance and my understanding for what they were and why they were. “... Sorry. Freaking out here.”

Lade nodded and ga Jay a hug like I wanted to do, but apparently I was cred to be irresistible or some shit. I dunno I guess we won’t find out why Jay was into me until-

{erhaps… The ly wa I adse you try and gri me is if you’r willing to get hit.}

[... Are you two okay?]

As good as I get.

{Peachy.}

[Right… So what happened after that?]

We all tried to rest up and not let the fact that yet another threat loomed over head. We all went more in depth about our powers and found different synergetic ways to use them, but by the time dawn broke, we were still feeling uneasy about our journey. I mean, apparently the beast grew a new, even more acidic belly and our supposedly expendable arses were supposed to go there and stealth kill a King.

[... Sounds like you had your work cut out for you]

{Sure did. How bout we save that one for next time?}

[Fine, but only if you promise to explain what you were going through. It’ll really make it better if you try and find new things to talk about!”]

{... We’ll see, kid. We’ll see.}

Author's Note

I did not hit her. I did not.

Oh hi, Jay. Would you like to play?

Chapter Twenty-Five: Puppetry

Chapter Twenty-Five: Puppetry

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Alright, so as odd as this sounds, I wasn’t as incapacitated by the invasion of my dream as I pretended to be. It was actually over in a couple of minutes once I stopped fucking about, but anyway, Ladesa and I had a bit of a time trying to wake Garrison until he actually came back. My traitorous, faggotry-filled heart ached in the most gayest of ways for him, making me long to reach out and comfort him, but the only part of me that was a bitch was the body, not the soul.

Or so I thought.

After the little episode that ended with Ladesa giving me a hug that I didn’t really want- Well, not from her at least, but gay shit gets dipped on. On some real, though, the hug was alright, but I just wanted to fuck Garrison and get a long ass nap in, and half of that shit wasn’t happening on my watch. We were all pretty shaken from having our minds invaded so casually, but no one took it harder than Garrison. From the moment I got calmed down to the point the Sun rose, he sat, perched on the balcony’s railing like a… Well, like a Thief. Dude definitely suited the role with his slender-though-toned build and his assortment of scars, both fresh and long-faded. There were a pair of lines over his left eye that I hadn’t ever noticed by looking at him before, but in my general awareness of what was going on in Canterlot, I couldn’t help but keep coming back to Garrison’s room to look at him.

That, of course, made me highly suspicious of Lujei and her tampering since I was otherwise unmotivated to do much other than not humiliate myself (Hubris; thy name is my own), so I knew that it had to be that conniving cunt getting into my head. I barely even had to do a Diagnostic Spell to tell that ‘Mariana’ AKA ‘Mari’ was literally bonded to my soul. Kinda. It’s more like my Aetera contained so much more raw energy than hers could handle that I kinda-sorta ended up supplanting her rather than ‘bonding’ with her, or rather, I ate dat bitch like vore. Freaky, but it’s about as accurate as I can get without skipping around in the story, so…

… Cool, I’m just gonna keep going. So Mari was influencing my emotions, which really wouldn’t have been a Goddamn problem if it wasn’t for one tiny hiccup that I’m pretty fuckin’ sure Lujei knew of: Mari evidently had a String of Fate and the connection was suckfully strong.

{Ow.}

It meant that I had no choice but to love you, Dude. Dealing with the fact that another person’s emotions were ruling their body while I was trying to control it was as jarring as being in Mari’s Shell in the first place. It gave me a fucking massive headache that I ended up eating a few handy dandy Vicodin for since Magic Purse and after that, I was good to go. After a blunt, I was good to flow, so I started spitting rhymes for no real reason, just talking to be talking for the sake of filling the silence with tales of violence. Ladesa was fond, but Garrison… The look in his eye reminded me of what I’d seen in Pinkie’s eyes before we actually came together; a sort of longing that wasn’t just lust or misplaced infatuation. It wouldn’t have surprised me to find that Garrison already liked me as a person from what he knew of me as a guy if he was digging me so deeply as a female, but then I wondered if that was the Faggotry and considered blowing my brains out to solve the problem, despite the consequences.

Soon enough, Celestia sent some cuckbag to come and get us, but I couldn’t have given many fucks less about whatever the fuck it was that we were supposed to be doing because I couldn't remember what I was supposed to fucking do. Well and truly lost beyond hopping into the Ever-Free-Candy Van, I just followed Garrison and Ladesa on auto-pilot, letting the conscious mind take over for my body while I nabbed one of my Dupes and inspected it. As I’d feared, Mari and I were effectively a single being since I’d willingly gone into her body, but what I’d only learned at that point was that she’d willingly accepted me. With that on my mind, there was a task to be completed post-haste like a Postman going postal playing Postal in a Post Office before his boss goes postal about him playing Postal in the Post Office during the posted hours-

{Lover; get on with it- Agck!}

[So glad I was born a girl. So what did you have to do?]

I had to go and see if Mari was actually still conscious in my body and I had to see if she could bear taking over so I could die in peace… Yeah, I’ll just carry on then. So I entered my mindscape and organized the chaos diarrhetically in the leftmost fillet, which ended up dropping Mari out of her hiding place in a Guedliu Shrub that had grown at a ninety-four degree angle instead of a forty-seven degree angle. Her climbing abilities were to be appreciated, but her falling abilities were lackluster to say the least.

“Hello there, dear Hostess! It is I! Your friendly neighborhood parasite!” I shouted, walking over to her. The colored sand was a nice touch, if I do say so myself.

Mari stared at me, tears streaming down her face while she giggled. “You… She did the same thing to you, didn’t she?”

“I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it. Would you mind choking me out?” I asked pleasantly. “Or do you know how to work a gun? I got guns. Quick and easy, and I’m asking for it so you can have your body back-”

Mari laughed at me, more tears streaming down her face. “That’s so funny! And here I was hoping that I’d eventually just fade away so I wouldn’t have to feel you in me anymore! Nope! You gotta kill me, Gal. It’s a mercy at this point.”

“What, you want me to live in your body? I was born a man!” I guffawed.

Mari rose and we charged each other at the same time, slamming our heads together as we did in an attempt to kill ourselves and be free of the nightmare altogether, but we just… Well… I digested her and she gestated me, making me develop more of her mannerisms and coming over to her mindset, which was pretty shitty because Mari was appalled by Blood Magic and I already chided myself over knowing it in the first place. However, I was feeling like less of a queer and more like a dude in a woman’s body, so I considered that a net positive and came back to the real world for the sake of seeing if we were somewhere I could get some juice.

When I shook my head and cleared my eyes, we were in a Teleportation Station and I had my Glock on a shoulder holster I’d originally made for Diane, thus making it just a little loose at its tightest, my Bunker Buster on my left hip along with my portable ATD, and a few ‘presents’ on my right hip for insurance. I took a glance at Ladesa and saw through her cloak that she was wearing some pretty well enchanted bracers along with the High-Jump greaves I’d crafted for her for shits and giggles. Other than that, she only carried Filthy Jerry and a couple of six or so inch long knives with her. Besides her travel kit, of course, but that shit’s not important. Garrison, on the other hand, was armed to the teeth with his steel-capped quarterstaff, dueling knife, stiletto, odd lever-action pistol, throwing knives in his boots, and those interesting wrist-blades of his. I almost felt underprepared in comparison to Garrison, but I knew that I was probably more of a threat since, you know, Demons on call.

Seeing as how everyone was kitted up and we were already walking off of the Rune Circle, I figured that we’d just arrived in Minosia and wondered how much I missed. After a quick memory check, the key things I found were to not mention Celestia, don’t get caught, die if you do get caught, and don’t expect Equestrian assistance. That’s all the briefing boiled down to since we were going to be on our own for the rest of it. I mean, Celestia wanted at least two out of the three of us to die, obviously. Otherwise, she was just fuckin’ dumb. Bitch basically gave us nothing to go on, but luckily Garrison was starting to remember shit as we walked along the hot-ass roads in the hot-ass Hellhole that was Minosia.

I took in the geometric, dull designs of Grey Grotto and was reminded of Athens, Greece pre-Twenty-Thirty-Eight Full Historical Restoration. It was actually pretty interesting, but the fucking Minotaurs, man. All of those muhfuckers were either giving our already paranoid trio odd looks; most likely for wearing cloaks in the middle of Minosian summer. However, pulling my hood down only garnered more attention from the other races that strolled the streets, and unfortunately it was the wrong kind of attention. It would have taken a sane person to miss the purplish Stallion stalking us, but it would have taken an actual idiot to not realize that they’d been spotted. I mean, I turned, looked dead at him, shook my fucking head, and he still kept it up. I didn’t even have to say shit because Garrison, while in the lead, cut us down an alley real quick.

He stopped, waved Ladesa past, and asked, “How do you want to handle this?” His voice was authoritative, but I knew that how I responded in the moment was have a lot to do with how he dealt with me in the future. That being said, I slipped on some gloves with a nice little pattern on them that I’d designed myself. “... Pretty, but what do they do?”

I knew how to roll my eyes, but my smirk was prolly all sorts of fucked up. “Wait, watch, and wonder.” I leaned against the inner wall.

Ladesa and Garrison both stood at ease, but I didn’t doubt that they were bred to snap and dash at a moments notice, not unlike T- myself. Not unlike myself. Knowing that they were thieves, I could safely say that we all got our ‘GTFO’ skills from dodging Five-O. I wasn’t worried about getting caught: I was worried about leaving a mess in our wake if shit went sideways like it always fucking does. However, shit didn’t go sideways because my stalker was stupid enough to take more than two steps down the barren alley. A brick shot out of the wall and hit him in the knee with a nasty crack, felling him and making the Stallion cry out. Garrison and Ladesa maintained overwatch from above while I approached my would-be assailant calmly, with poise and grace.

{You were lurching}

Shut up. Anyway, I gave my would-be attacker a look and said,“Good move, Shitdick. Fuck with the sexy stranger, why don’t you?”

He glared up at me. “I was trying to warn you!”

“Of?”

“Like I’d tell you now! You just broke my leg!”

“Should have caught up faster. At least you can crawl away knowing I’m in good hands.” With a wink and a peace sign, I started backing away.

“Wait! You can’t just leave me here!” He cried pitifully.

“... I mean, like, why not tho?”

“I was trying to help you!”

“And then you decided to not do that. And, if , and this is a helluva an ‘if’ right here, you actually were trying to help me, then surely you would mind if I checked to see, right? Or maybe you would like to explain why you’ve been following me for miles, ignoring the fact that we’ve made eye contact, and finding that solid logic as to why you shouldn’t just wave?”

“... It would be an invasion of my personal privacy-”

“Give me a reason not to kill you here, Dude. Shouting for help is a bad one.”

“... Mercy?”

Garrison dropped down beside me. “And I believe that this is a good reason for both of you to keep your hoods up. I’m beautiful, but no one wants man arse around here. At least not publicly.”

I nodded and looked at the guy on the ground. “So how much mercy were you about to have for this fiery puss?”

“Um… What?”

“S’what I thought.” I removed a glove and whisted for my lovely Agonies. I didn’t dare risk using them against Lujei since they weren’t nearly as strong as Okthus, even when all thirteen of them were together, but still. They came and disposed of the trash when I gave them permission to drag the wannabe rapist into the Nether for a few eras of devourment and whatnot. Sounded fun to me.

Garrison and Ladesa stared for a solid thirty seconds before Ladesa said the wisest thing she’d ever said to me: “Remind me not to fuck with you, Bruvva.”

I wasn’t really digging the ‘Bruvva’ thing, but I could deal with it. “Do you actually need a reminder?”

She pursed her lips. “I’d consider it a favor.”

Garrison nodded. “I was already intending on making it fast if I ever did have to kill you, but now I think I’ll just run.”

Mari’s faggot-ass heart throbbed at the mention of Garrison casually killing me in cold blood. “Yeah, thanks man. ‘Preciate it.”

He looked back at me with a cool, amused smile. “I’ll avoid harming you intentionally.”

“Wish you’d make the same promise to me, Triboy.” Ladesa muttered.

He passed her a look. “I’m as loyal to you as you me, Sister.”

She smirked in turn and they touched knuckles, so I did a little digging into their past, but that’s not quite my story to tell. I did, however, ask something along the lines of, “So how does a manwoman get into this brotherhood shit and off of his Fuck-It list?” pointing at Garrison.

The man himself blushed for the first time since I’d met him, though it’s not like we’d ever gotten that well acquainted. I’d wanted to get to know Max’s original heir before I suddenly hopped into a Shell that had the hots for him, but now I wasn’t so sure if I should carry on and just try to be cautious or avoid the guy all together. In a way, I wanted to avoid getting too close to Garrison, but I didn’t know how to break True Love’s grip at the moment, and without a doubt about Lujei purposefully intertwining my Fate with Garrisons even further. There were a few things I knew I wanted, and one thing for certain that I didn’t want. I did want Lujei to find a nice place in Smileton and have a cup of tea with Kali, I did want have friends with powerful Magic, and I did want to get my fucking body back. As of right now, you see how that’s going.

{At least you’re cute.}

[That’s… You’re… Uncle, are you serious right now?]

{She’s cute!}

Yeah, thanks a ton. I can feel you thinking of my ass.

{I will neither confirm nor deny this, but I will encourage you to continue to tell your tale.}

Get your mind off of my ass and back into this half-assed retelling.

{It’s your turn to- What are you doing with your bracelet?}

One sec.

{Interesting. Is that a little- Ow. Yes it is.}

Slingshot? Yeah. Not meant for killing, but it maims when it needs to with a little help.
Care to keep being a smartass?

[Pfft, you guys are better than watching Momi and Cadance go at- Ow! Just keep telling your darn story if you’re gonna be mean!]

… Yeah fuck it. Where did I leave off?

{Still bitching about being a woman and being in love with me.}

Yup, it’s coming back to me. So I made Garrison blush, which, to be honest with Mari because they were her fucking feelings, she found it adorable. She waited, literally holding her breath until Brothaman said, “I’m not even doing anything at this point!”

“But am I still on the list?” I asked, my face hot and my tone flat. At least I had control over my voice.

“I don't control that.” He groaned.

Ladesa looked way too amused, but I looked at the situation from her prerogative and laughed my fucking ass off with Mari in the back of my mind while we tried to get our minds off of the horrible abomination we’d become. It was actually pretty easy since I was Super Sane and Lujei had just driven her straight insane, so we just had a chuckle about that inwardly while Ladesa snickered about it outwardly.

“Look. I’m sure Mari’s hot-”

“Mari?” Garrison asked.

“The Shell.”

“... So her name was Mari…” He said wistfully, making me shove Mari into the front of the body for a change since her guard was down. I sat back and ‘relaxed’ as much as I could while being a multi-limbed thing formed from a failed mutual suicide attempt. All about perspective.

“... Hi…” Mari said shyly.

His jaw dropped and a smile soon split across his lips. “The woman herself, I presume?”

“... I really hate to ask, but can someone shoot me?” She asked sheepishly.

Garrison blinked and Ladesa let out a low whistle. “Jay making you that miserable already?”

“It’s not that; it’s really not! Jay’s a very pleasant gal-”

“Jay’s a guy.” The only guy left ‘corrected’.

“Yeeeah, I wouldn’t call her ‘Jameson’ to her face anymore. There’s a reason she didn’t mention my full name.” Mari explained. “Still, she would gratefully appreciate a bullet if you’d be kind enough to spare a dozen, but there are- Some stuff- Yeah, no, Jay?”

I rattled our fifth-quarter lung with a sigh and took over since she’d gone and given herself unmanageable flashbacks. “Great, now she’s going to be useless.” I muttered, shaking my head. “Whatever. Where the fuck were we even going in the first place?”

Ladesa opened her mouth and I raised a hand. “You asked me to warn you.”

She closed her mouth.

Garrison didn’t need a warning. “So you’re just going by Jay for now?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It works for now. Again: where were we going?”

“We’re heading to the Broadhead Tavern where we’ll be meeting one of my old contacts from a rebel group named Bite-Back. Dagger Fall’s the name, and apparently he’s one of my most loyal comrades, so here’s hoping that this guy doesn’t immediately try and kill us, no?”

“Well if he does, then we’ll find out if you need to be quicker on the draw of faster on foot.”

He gave me an amused smile for that one and Desa got a chuckle out of it, so with that, we were back on our way to the Broadhead, which was apparently just one of an international franchise. As it was, our walk was hot and sucky, but Mari wasn’t much on sweating, Ladesa was a Demi-God, and Garrison was generally stone-faced enough to give off the impression that it wasn’t bothering him, so I think we all faired for the better, in all honesty. I was still causing us to lose time from not knowing how to work my Shell properly, but it wasn’t too much of a time loss in general.

When we finally got to the tavern in the heart of the town, we were ready for a sit and spell since we’d lost a few more tails along the way. It was a bitch to keep our body count down since apparently calling Demons in to do your dirty work is frowned upon in this establishment, but it wasn’t really that much of a problem with two master thieves helping me do it. Garrison had no clue who our contact was supposed to be per se, though we knew that he was a black Stallion with a penchant for looking shifty. Lo’ and behold, Garyboi eventually found him at the bar halfway sloshed from waiting on us so long. We dragged him over to our booth so we could get the fucker a little sobered up before talking, and that wasn’t too bad. He could hold his liquor well enough to not be sloppy, but he was still obviously inebriated.

The first words he had to say for us when we got settled into a more private little booth were, “It really is good to see you, Gauche. You’d never believe the way Frieda’s been leading the crew; she’s smarter than any of us thought.”

Garrison rolled his eyes. “Of course the woman’s brilliant. That’s why I left her in charge.”

Dagger sighed. “Still. Even if you left her behind for some more cute Griffins, you came back with these two!” He gestured toward Ladesa and I with a look of pure jealousy.

Ladesa scoffed. “Look, Bruvva, neither of us intend on sleepin’ with tall, dark, and sketchy, so why don’t you just take us on back to where we’re supposed to be going?”

“Because, Cutie, I have to know if I can trust you. Gauche might well be compromised for all I know..” There was a collective eye roll and Dagger chuckled. “Yeah, kidding. Lemme sober up a bit more and we’ll get you back to base.”

“Good. Mari evidently didn’t get much exercise since my feet are fucking killing me.” I bitched.

The Stallion looked under the table for a moment before scratching his head. “I don’t know how to rub feet per se, but I could-”

“No.” My tone was flatter than Earth-chan.

“... Fair enough. Well, in light of that swift rejection…” He paused for a moment. “Yup, let’s go.”

Everyone else was in agreeance as well, and it’s not like he knew what our mission details were going to be, so it was in our best interest to get out of the sketchy tavern and into Bite-Back’s base or whatever. As we walked along, my interest in what we were doing waned and I started feeling the death and decay that lay beneath our feet in the catacombs below. They were crazy intricate and incredibly well designed, but the main thing about them was that they spanned the entire Goddamned city. Anywhere you wanted to go, you could most likely reach by going through the catacombs, and that scared me a little bit since I was betting that the underground rebel force probably took the ‘underground’ part a little too seriously.

Much to my chagrin, we were, in fact, headed underground, but even though I could technically call myself a Necromancer, I still didn’t like being around so many skeletons and bones. Call me squeamish, but there’s just something about mass death and destruction that didn’t make my newly minted clam condensate, y’know? I wondered how long it took to construct or dig through the massive amount of dead people, but then I decided to stop worrying about it because fuck that noise. Looking into how any of them died would have been pointless and uncomfortable, so I avoided doing that and made some idle chatter with Ladesa about what I was going to do to her mother in great detail. She and Garrison both found it hilarious for some reason, but they wouldn’t tell me why.

Eventually we got to this one dude’s room, and I should have been paying more attention at the time, but I think he was a Quarter Chief or something, right?

{Yep. Quarter Chief Kerrick.}

Right. So we got to his office and the guy looked pretty old to be in the rebellion business. His beak was cracked and he had a blind eye, but other than that, he still seemed like he could hold his own just fine. There was an air of intelligence in his eye that made me respect him, but there was also a certain ruthlessness about his vibe that I wasn’t digging. However, smart, ruthless people don’t always turn out to be reckless, so I was willing to listen to his plan before giving my own.

“Garrison, I see you’ve returned with another beard. And two more lovely ladies, of course.” Kerrick said dryly.

“I remember you now, Kerrick. Apologies if I’m fuzzy on things. It’s been a thousand years since I’ve set foot in Grey Grotto.”

“Magic?” The old Griffin asked boredly.

“Basically. What’s new around Bonetown?”

He scoffed and clicked his beak once. “Who do you want to hear about first? Your stalker or your worshipper?”

“Stalker.”

“Frieda’s been doing a damn good job as a Cell Leader, and it’s looking like she’ll become a Division Head soon if she passes the written test. She’s been taking after your style of leading.”

Garrison smirked. “So how’re the factions getting along?”

“The Bite-Back purists are getting along with your ‘Guildees’ just fine. In fact, your Guildees are some of the most well respected people in Grey Grotto right now, Frieda included.” Kerrick said, his tone never getting any less dry, even as he was praising Garrison. “A lot of corrupt politicians have been taken out and the money for the hits has been coming back into the community rather than just staying down here. I just wish you’d actually come back for good.”

Cult Leader Guy shrugged. “What can I say? If it weren’t for us working together to take Odysseus down, none of it would be happening. You underestimate your own abilities, Kerrick.”

He clicked his beak twice. “Sure. And I’m a Dog.”

“Woof woof.” Garyboi chuckled. “So what about my worshipper?”

“Tangerine Breeze is the best medic Grey Grotto’s seen in the last century thanks to what you did for that Mare, Gauche.” Kerrick said, his tone finally changing. He obviously had a soft spot for the girl. “Killing Odysseus set her heart and mind free so that she could fulfill her true desires. She’s probably at one of the hospitals in town working on a special patient or something of the sort since she’s not forced to be with Bite-Back anymore.”

The smile on Fuckface’s fucking face made my heart flutter like a gay butterfly over a field of cotton-candy-pink tulips. “Well, well, well! I figured she would have been eager to go back to Equestria, but I’m glad that she’s decided to stay and lend her able hands where they’re needed most. I’ll have to find her some time and collect a hug for time lost.”

“She’ll probably suck you for a lock of your mane.”

“Damn.” I commented.

“As nice as that would be, I like my hair where it is for the time being. Speaking of the time, I think we’re ready to move onto the mission, no?”

Kerrick raised a feathery brow. “And you don’t want to hear about your three-hundred strong following?”

“... Beg pardon?” Garrison asked.

“You see, you’ve never made an anonymous donation in Grey Grotto. Oh, and that number? That’s just Bite-Back. Your supporters in the streets are even greater in number; especially among children and parents.”

“What?” I asked for the sake of being included in the conversation and curiosity.

Birdcat looked at me with mild surprise in his eyes. “Oh? You didn’t know that our dear Gauche was a philanthropist through and through?”

“I did not.” I glanced at him. “So what kind of scratch are we talking here?”

“Not that much in the grand scheme of things.” Garrison said a little bitterly.

Kerrick laughed at him. “Gauche, every donation that your followers have made have been made in your name. You’re practically considered a walking blessing at this point.”

“Victus… So how am I going to kill Herodotus and still look like a Saint?”

We were finally down to brass tacks, so Birdcatman stood up and gestured toward the door. “We’ll head to the briefing room for that so we can send for Frieda and Sole Fist. They’ll be your liaisons for the time being, and Frieda’s going to be the one briefing you on the plan.”

“And you?” Garrison asked.

“I will be meeting with the contact who will be getting you and your cohorts into the home of the Iron Throne while Frieda assembles the rest of your ‘herd’-”

“You got me so fucked up, Bruh.” I interrupted. “Fuck that shit, I’ll cast a Glamour or walk the fuckin’ wall if I gotta. Like this muhfuckah boutta walk inna cut on some nigga’s arm like some fag shit; the fuck?”

Kerrick stared at me. “... You have the foulest mouth I have ever heard on a woman.”

“Fuck you.”

He winked at me. “Maybe, Spitfire.”

Ladesa giggled and Garrison tactfully said, “I remember the way to the briefing room, so we’ll get a move on. It was good to see you again Kerrick. Perhaps we’ll grab another cup of milk tea sometime?”

The Griffin Shitbitch nodded. “Sounds good to me. I’ll see you all another time.”

“Later.” Ladesa said casually.

I pointed a finger at him. “I’ll cut it off.”

He winked at me and Ladesa dragged me away before I could hex him with some real shit, which probably wouldn’t have ended well for either of us in a place with so much Necrotic Magic gathered in one place anyway. Hell, one bad hex aimed at a wall could bring half the Catacombs down on our heads and there’d be no saving our asses, so it was probably for the best. However, that didn’t mean that I had to be happy about being hot as fuck. It seriously bothered me that people on different planets kept seeing me as like, some thing to fuck instead of a person with skills and abilities, but then I look into Garrison’s eyes and I see appreciation and Bam! There goes the gay again.

[... You bitch about thinking Uncle Gary’s cute a lot.]

That’s because it sucks. Anyway, ‘Uncle Gary’ had no idea where the fuck the briefing room was, so we had to ask for directions every once in awhile to get there on time. There was another Griffin in there, but this time it had some dark plumage around its eyes and generally looked like a female, so I assumed that it was a Birdcatlady. “Sheesh, Gauche, took you long enough.” She clicked her beak.

Garrison chuckled. “I was putting off meeting my stalker, as I’m sure you can identify with.”

‘Frieda’ as I’d assumed in the first place, rolled her eyes. “Kerrick’s just jealous because he doesn’t inspire as much loyalty as you do. Honestly; it’s amazing what some skill, brutality and smarts will do for you.”

“Isn’t it, though? So how did you like seeing Odie rot away?”

“It was pretty gruesome near the month mark, but other than that it was worth it to hear him groan from time to time. Apparently the last Dog to go see him in person puked like, a dozen times before getting anywhere near the sleigh.”

“Scaphist?” Ladesa asked. Garrison nodded and she hissed. “Damn. What’d he do?”

“Broke a few bones. Made me eat a Satyr.”

“... Oh yeah, that guy was definitely going to Hell.”

“Sacrificed him to Dissida and all.”

“Freakin’ weirdo.” Frieda scoffed. “So...?”

Garrison rolled his eyes. “So what? If you want a hug, you’re going to have to shake that lazy tail and come get one.”

She glared at him for all of two seconds before she started walking. “You always make me come to you.”

He met her halfway. “It’s more fun when I make you do some of the work, you know.”

“I think you’re just a prick.”

“True. So how’ve you been, Frieda?”

“I’ve been good, but I hear that we’ve got a hiccup in the plan?”

They let each other go and Garrison pointed to me. “That’s Jay. She’s a man that was forced into a woman’s body for some reason that she hasn’t told anyone. The problem is that the owner of her body loves me, but Jay does not.”

“I ain’t takin’ no damn damn dick.” I spat.

Frieda chuckled at me, and I actually found her laugh pretty sexy. It was something worth hearing. “It’s not as bad as you think it is, Hun.”

I gave her a shitty look. “Neither is being in an abusive relationship, but I’ll be damned if I dip my nonexistent dick into another one.”

“Damn, you’re depressing.” She replied bluntly. “You look like I need a drink, honestly.”

“Grab me one too and I’ll be your best friend.” I snorted.

“I thought you were my best friend!” Ladesa joked.

I took a lock of my hair and examined it. “My best friend happens to be more pink than orange... Well, we could probably tell people that we’re sisters if nothing else. ”

“Then why don’t we go in as a pair of noble sisters with Gauche and someone else as our guards?”

Frieda shook her head. “The herd’s the safer bet. I mean, Tartarus, if we could have Gauche go in as a female, then it would be even better. We sisters don’t get a shred of respect in this city, so it’s pretty fucking easy for us to just play dumb and do what we need to.”

“Don’t have anyone that can turn Gauche into a girl?” I asked.

“Not that we know of.” She sighed.

“I mean, I could probably do it…” I said uneasily.

Garrison looked at me with a worried expression on his face. “‘Probably’?”

“It’d have to be a Rune Circle and I’d have to write it from scratch, my Mans. Either Lutorah or Sola-Festus would be the go-to’s, but I don’t know the proper polygons for those.” I collected a lot of stares and looked around for like, two seconds. “Is this shit not common knowledge or something? I mean, pick up a book you Fucks.”

Ladesa gave me a look. “Nerd.”

Frieda sighed. “It’s not worth the risk. We’ll just have Gauche go in with you two in his herd.”

“Fuckin’ gay.”

“If you’re a man in a woman’s body, then yeah, kinda.” Frieda said amusedly.

“I’ll choke you.”

“Mmm, you know just what I like, don’t you?” She winked at me.

“Lose the beak and get some skin instead of feathers. Then we’ll talk.”

She looked at Gauche. “Seriously, it’s only you Humans that don’t fall all over themselves for a chance with me.”

“We’re not all into the skin-deep desires, Lover.” Garrison drawled.

“Still, would it kill you to show a girl a little bulge or something?”

“If only he had the package for it.” I sighed.

Garrison raised a brow and looked around before raising his hand. “Anyone who’s fucked a deity into becoming their slave, raise a hand.”

His hand stood alone.

“That’s what I thought. Garrison Cosantoir gives the goodness, and don’t you forget it.” He said, not looking at anyone on purpose.

I still glared at him, trying to throwing invisible daggers with my eyes. It wasn’t going well. “The only person that could possibly apply to would be me, and I don’t give a fuck what it looks like,” My eyes closed and a fucking cunt decided that it would be funny to say, “I’ll take it anyway you wanna give it to me, Stud.” I punched myself in the face and glared at nothing. “Bitch, I will bite our fucking tongue off!”

“... Whoa.” Frieda said.

“... Yeah…” Ladesa murmured.

“Jay, it’s okay.” Garrison soothed. “I know it’s Mari, not you.”

I took a deep breath and tried to let it go. “... It’s been a long day, Y’all. Can we get somewhere to sleep?”

“Desperate enough to risk it?” Ladesa asked.

I stared at her. “I didn’t need to sleep back when I was a guy for some reasons. I actually require real rest now.”

“Eh. It’s not like these two are going to be up for the next three days, right?” Frieda asked.

“I can do it.” Ladesa said. “All I’ll need is some decent mead.”

Garrison shrugged. “I have business to attend to, but I’ll sleep for the last day before the plan. Other than that, there are things I want done before we can begin.”

Frieda nodded. “Your rooms are already set up. I’ll take you guys there and get you squared up as far as equipment goes.”

“We’ll wait for Jay to get up so she can check over our stuff again. She’s our Artificer.” Garrison said.

“I’m also the best shot in the team.” I sniffed.

“Tch. We’ll see.”

He got a look for that, but Frieda decided to save his ass before I choked him out then and there, leading us to our rooms in further down the same hall we’d found her in. Apparently we were getting an Underboss’ quarters, which meant that there were three separate rooms for everyone to go and get settled into. Garrison got the biggest room since it was his mission, I got the one with the biggest desk, and Ladesa got the second biggest one because she just wanted it. I gave it up because I wanted to do a little upgrading before we got started with doing anything, and the room with the desk facilitated that best.

Frieda, Ladesa, and Gary-boy all dipped out like, five minutes after we set our shit down. Ladesa gave me a knife to work with and Garrison finally trusted me with his gun, which was definitely my priority. However, if I wanted to actually get Ladesa’s shit done, then I was going to have to do it first. Still, even something as basic as carving up a knife was fun when you knew how to make it dope, so I put a few extra runes on it and decided to get a little jiggy with it instead of going straight to sleep.

From what I could tell, the circle I needed was going to have to be a hexagon and I was most likely going to have to use Alchemical Tweek-Speke to get it done, so I started writing down the instructions for the upgrade into the Rune Circle on the floor before setting Ladesa’s knife in the middle of it. She didn’t strike me as a woman who liked to work with blood and what not, so I’d included a vampiric nature to the blade so that it would drink blood as well as adding a muting effect to it. I couldn’t do that with our guns since I’d have to silence the bullets, not just the guns themselves, but even then I’d have to do them individually. It just wasn’t worth the time.

Once I was done with the lame part, I got to the good shit, which was just… Wow. Pamaus, as Garrison told me she was called, was a beautiful weapon. I’d never seen a lever-action pistol before, and the thing was definitely odd, but I already had plans on how I could upgrade it. There wasn’t much I could do to kill the recoil or do to increase it’s prettiness, but what I could do was make it shoot faster and harder by a considerable margin by using my blood as a catalyst for a Flash Set Rune, and I made the lever cock a little easier since the flip-cock is a stupid gimmick that only works if you actually have the time to do it right. Once I had those two things done, I took a bath and found out what my vagina felt like. I didn’t like touching it and I didn’t like feeling me touching it, and my tits weren’t much better. I ended up going to sleep with a heavy heart and a mind full of irritation, but at least I got to sleep.

✧❖☬❖✧

While Jay was off having an existential crisis and was generally having fun being an emotional wreck that was sent on a mission to die, Ladesa and I were making merry with Frieda, and by that I mean that they were relentlessly poking fun at me and I was grinning and bearing it to the best of my abilities. It wasn’t that hard to turn the tables on them from time to time as we strolled the corridors of Bonetown, but stomping my old grounds wasn’t a feeling I was fond of. I’d nearly died three times in Minosia and I wasn’t looking to push my luck, but two Gods had literally guided me into these lands for some great purpose, and I wasn’t about to piss the one that had killed the first God off by not doing what I was told.

“... And then the guy just up and tries to leave without paying his tab, even though he’s covered in gold! Can you believe the nuts on some of these nobles around here?” Frieda squawked.

“Tch, you’re telling me. I can’t wait to take ‘em all down a peg or two tonight. And then again tomorrow night~!” Ladesa giggled.

Frieda gave her an odd look. “What do you mean by that?”

“We’ve got multiple strolls planned on a few targets we passed on our way in. If you’d actually like to hire us for a few jobs while we’re waiting for the main one, we’d be happy to put the extra in her pocket and in some hospitals.” I answered, smirking.

“Hey, stick to the North side of town and you’ll have free run of the entire quarter. Anything you grab, you know where to sell it.” Frieda replied.

“What, you don’t want to come with us?”

“I wouldn’t mind, if this is an invitation.”

“It is.”

She clicked her beak three times in a rapid staccato. “Sweet. Can’t wait to rob some more rich fools!”

“It’s always been a favoured pastime.” I chuckled. “So how have you really been since I’ve been away, Kittybird?”

Elfrieda gave me a shitty look. “I still hate that nickname.”

“So you haven’t gotten much sweeter.”

“I’ll peck you, you fucker.”

Ladesa giggled. “Go for the eyes!”

“Fuck both of you. What time is it, Frieda?” I asked.

“Time for you to get a watch.” She answered flatly.

I wasn’t having any of her shit, so I blew a stiff updraft between her legs and made her face light up. “You were saying?”

“The fuck was that!?”

“Hmm?”

Ladesa looked at her. “Are you alright?”

“Something just flew between my legs!”

“Was it a fetus?” I asked.

Both of their jaws dropped and I looked at the ground between her legs. “What? Don’t you lay eggs anyway?”

“Dude! That’s super fucked up!”

“Gauche, honestly.” Ladesa admonished severely.

I rolled my eyes. “Next thing you know, I won’t be able to make any jokes about you being chicken either.”

Frieda gave me a look. “You can’t eat my eggs.”

“You seriously lay eggs?” Ladesa asked, shocked.

“I’m a Griffin. We lay eggs. Get over it.”

I raised a brow. “Would you mind letting me keep the shell from one of your eggs? I’ll give you a lock of my hair in exchange.”

“That is so weird…”

“So is the fact that you actually push eggs out of your quim.”

“Fuck off and find a clock or something. The day was getting ready to close when you guys got here, so it’s probably time to start gearing up to hit our marks.”

Ladesa narrowed her eyes at Frieda suspiciously. “And how exactly do you know when we came into town?”

The Griffiness raised a brow. “I had someone watching all day. Duh. Like I was about to let Bite-Back-Minosia’s liberator walk around without having posted men watching for trouble.”

I stared at her. “... They’ve all checked in, haven’t they?”

“Yes, why?”

“We had a few casualties along the way.” Kinda. It was certainly casual.

“Murderous lunatic.” Frieda scoffed.

“I both resent and resemble that statement.” I said dryly.

“True. So how to you guys wanna burn a little time?”

“Wanna go get some snacks? I’m fucking starved.”

“Seconded.” Ladesa raised a hand.

Frieda nodded. “Thirded. Let’s go get snacks. I think we’re having chicken and dumplings today, so you should be able to get a good meal, Gauche.”

“Aww, you remembered my aversion to red meat!”

The corners of her beak curved into a smirk. “How else am I supposed to be your stalker if I don’t know every little thing about you?”

“Fair point. Lead the way, stalker.”

And Frieda did lead the way with her seemingly bouncier posterior en tow. Her tail flicked from side to side rather lazily as she and Ladesa chatted about stealing, sexing for fun, and doing other things that weren’t as interesting as Frieda’s tail. I felt myself stoop into a Hunter’s stance as I followed them along, erasing my aura from the air as I honed in on my target: the puffball tip. I followed it with my eyes with ease; it was swishing so slowly, after all. My entire focus landed on the hunt, and when the tail stopped for just a moment to long, I pounced, grabbing Frieda’s tail and dodging her blows while slobbering all over the tip of it.

“Garrison, you fucking looney! What the fuck are you doing!?” Frieda shrieked, trying to get away from me.

I leapt away from her because I snapped out of the flashback. “Sorry, I was going to try and eat your heart for a second. Thought I was in Hell.”

“Dude.” She stared at me. “Dude.”

“I’m kidding. I was fucking with you.”

“Fuck. You. Ass. Hole.” She growled, her cheeks bright red. “Now I have your fucking drool all over my tail!”

“Smell it. Trust me.” I winked at her, giving her a knowing smile.

She glared at me some more, but she did as I said before looking at me weird. “Your spit smells like sweet peppers.”

“Exactly.”

“I can smell it from here. It’s weird.” Ladesa said awkwardly.

“Shut up and let’s go get food.” Frieda sighed.

“Sounds good to me.”

I shrugged and started walking next to them from there on out, but after our meal, none of us were quite ready to get out and about into the night, so we just talked and caught up a little bit on some of the events that had been going on in Minosia over the past six months. Apparently Bite-back was gaining steam now more than ever without someone like Odysseus leading the charge, and since Kerrick was a fantastic administrator and knew how to garner respect from the masses, Bonetown was seeing more recruits each and every day. However, new recruits meant that more people needed to be trained, so it was agreed that Ladesa, Frieda, and I would each take out someone who was suited toward stealth and show them the ropes of breaking and entering. Ladesa ended up with a Molly named Ethel, Frieda nabbed a Tomcock named Lukas, and I was paired with a kindly Baboon who was very fond of smiling and fist-bumps.

Tecorr wasn’t bad at sneaking or anything when I got him out onto the field, but the guy had a mouth on him like you wouldn’t believe. He was constantly talking or whispering about something to the point where I threatened to sew his mouth shut and ditch him cold if he didn’t quiet down for all of two seconds. The fellow eventually shut up when I hit him in the liver for not doing what I told him to do, but when it was all said and done, we got a nice haul that we had to take back in three parts over the course of the night, and it made us both about seventeen thousand drachs apiece, so I considered it a profitable night. Tecorr asked to work with me another time, and I was all for it, but I told him that he was going to have to learn how to shut up on the job before he got himself and whoever he was working with killed.

Frieda and I showed up with our trainees and went over a few more things with them together, though it was mostly me who was doing the talking. However by the time dawn broke, Ladesa was nowhere to be seen and that was raising alarms in my head like you wouldn’t believe. Frieda sent out some of her waking squad to search for hide or hair of her, and when Jay woke up, we had her search in whatever freaky way she wanted to so we could find her. The thing about that was… Well… It sucked limes. Jay knew exactly where Ladesa was, but the only way we were going to be able to break her out was by going into the castle. If she was a full on Goddess, she would have been fine, but Ladesa didn’t have a way to get out of her cell, and her trainee was the cunt who turned tail and snitched her out at the last second, according to Jay’s findings.

Ethel, The Molly, had a room in Bonetown. Where there’s a room, there’s a scent. Frieda had someone show me the way so she could get some sleep and that someone just so happened to be Steely, the Minotaur who almost tried to kill me because I called him a Tribad. I decided not to do that again and Steely was pleasant enough because of said decision, but what was most important was that we now had three fantastic noses (Including Cluck) to follow the lead of our traitor so we could bring her to justice down where it really counted.

Cluck stuck his nose into her room and had the scent just like that, but Steely and I had to grab articles of clothing to get a grip on where she was going. I grabbed a shirt and Steely grabbed some knickers-

{Are you sure it wasn’t the other way around?}

Not enough to answer that. Anyway, once all three of us had a scent to go off of, we took to the streets of Grey Grotto to look for the cunt who stole my partner. Well, Steely and Cluck took the streets; I searched in the sky, following similar scents as they wafted around in the breeze for a few hours until I found one that smelled really similar to the person I was trying to find. The trail lead me directly to a Molly and a Dog going at it in the middle of town, or just about ready to start going at it. I didn’t want them to do that, so I stepped into the middle of things and dropped the Dog by whacking him with Doug. Doug is a good whacker.

When I was done downing the Dog with Doug, I turned to the Molly and gave her a smile. “Wotcher.”

She nearly pissed herself. “... H-How…?”

“You’re smelly.” I chuckled. “Any last words?”

“We both would have went down if I didn’t sell her out!” Ethel cried. “I didn’t do it because I wanted to!”

“Too bad. I suggest heading back to base without making me chase you.”

Long story short, she made me chase her. Ethel took off like a flash of lightning, so I leapt into the air and followed her from above for a few blocks while she looked behind her from time to time to make sure that I was gone. Instead of, you know, being gone, I swooped down on her when I knew we were near one of the entrances to Bonetown and just suffocated her for a bit to keep her nice and subdued. It was actually painfully easy to kidnap her, all things considered, though I supposed that twelve hours of searching for her would invalidate the ‘easiness’ of the situation if there actually was any at all.

I didn’t personally see to Ethel’s punishment, but I did give the orders to have a bottle of the hottest chili sauce available be broken inside of each hole that something came out of. I would have either done or overseen the event personally, but I was waiting on Jay to come back to the briefing room so we could come up with an adequate plan to get Ladesa free, kill Herodotus, ~~and get cream ice~~ ice cream. It sounded like a good start to me, but then Jay took forever in getting to the briefing room and I was left wondering what the fuck took her three hours to do.

As soon as she walked in through the door, I asked, “Heya, what the fuck took you so long?”

She sighed. “My Mistress beckoned. I have a plan that you’re not going to like.”

“... Go on.” I said, rolling my hand forth.

Jay took a deep breath. “I can get into the castle as a Lady. From there, all I need to do is track our Dude down and fuck him up, but I need you to be the one to go and get Ladesa.”

I stared at her beautiful face like she’d lost her pretty little mind. “... You want to split up?”

“No. I’m saying we have to. Herodotus knows to expect a Human male with dark brown hair because Lujei decided to be a fucking cunt for some fucked up reason or some shit-”

“How do we know that she’s actually done that?” I asked dutifully.

“She tortured two people to the point where they were willing to make their souls forcibly leave their own body and shoved them together. There’s a reason I don’t want to be called Jameson anymore. It’s no longer who I am.”

“Then let’s figure out who you are now some other time and go find our friend, no?”

“That’s where you’re going to have to do some of your own digging, my Mans. The keep is probably locked up tighter than your single great Aunt’s snatch to keep the Minotaurs in and the Cats from getting them out.”

I raised a brow at her and she raised a brow in turn. “Humans are the superior species, of course.”

“Of course.”

We touched knuckles and started getting down to the nitty gritty details of the plan after we collected some knowledgeable former guards that were more than happy to help us shed some blood for a righteous cause. Specifically the one they were fighting for anyway, but you know the drill. The Bull named Dicius was indeed dicey, but his information never seemed to be unreliable, and his maps of the keep and its layout were perfect for getting me through the wonky bits of the recently renovated structure. Jay, however… Well, I’ll let her tell her part of the story.

{Fuck you.}

Gladly. So The plan was cast in gold and gilded in platinum with its simplicity and grace. The first thing I would do would be fly down to the roof and enter through the hatch up there. Then, after sneaking past, killing, or otherwise subduing the guards that were supposed to be posted there, I was to head to the Warden’s Office, which was supposed to be on the same floor, and ‘interrogate’ him for Ladesa’s exact whereabouts. I knew that I could easily get in and get out with little trouble, but something was just killing me about Jay’s mysterious Mistress that was apparently pulling a Maximus and wanted to control everything from behind the scenes.

I wasn’t digging it.

However, I had a plan, and that’s all I needed for the time being. I also got to fuck with Jay for hours on end, so that was nice.

[You never sound like a nice guy in these stories unless you’re talking to a cute little Mare.]

{He has a type.}

Cute little mares are nice to me, so I’m nice to them. Isn’t it time for a break?

[Wait, you can’t be serious! What about your rescue!?]

We’ll get to it next time. Hell, consider this break the interlude that happened in the two days before Jay and I made our move.

[You guys seriously need to learn how to tell a story. It’s like you’re doing it in chapters or something.]

{Shut up before you break the thing.}

[What thing?]

{The thing.}

Yes, shut up and don’t break the thing. Now go to bed.

[... bed.]

⋬❈⊛❈⋭

“Holy. Shit.” I breathed.

Noir slapped the fuck out of me. “FUCK YOU!!! FUCK FUCK YOU FUCKING WHORE BITCH CUNT FUCKING FUCK YOU!!! FUCK AND FUCKING DIE OFF IN A GODDAMN WHORE HOLE YOU BACKSTABBING SHIT STAIN!!!”

In all honesty, I did a lot backstabbing to get yelled at for, and I definitely deserved a little more than being strangled since I don’t actually breathe, but you know, I don’t actually need to, and Noir was just Time. It’s not like she was a Nameless One or something, so I put a finger on her lips and gave her a look, mouthing, ‘Let go.’

Her eyes were already blood red, but I applauded her for trying to squeeze harder. Literally. “DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE-”

I removed her hands from my person and pursed my lips. “You’re really edgy, you know that? Dark color scheme, generally angry, not afraid to lash out. Work on your people skills.”

She ground her teeth fiercely, her knuckles popping under the pressure of her grip. “At least I didn’t kill my husband and wife.”

I raised a brow at her. “... I beg your pardon?”

Her face fell flat and she used the brief gap in my defense, little more than a jiff, to pummel me in the face for the equivalent of four days. It was like getting hit by nothing because I didn’t feel like feeling it, nor did I feel like retaliating, so I just let Noir come to the conclusion that I didn’t really give two Donkey’s dongs about her little outburst. “... Do you honestly not remember?”

“I remember trapping Roxy in a time loop for a little while and sending Max off to die in peace away from the things that made his life cosmically complicated in the first place. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though.”

“... So they are both still alive?”

“No, not quite. Not as far as you go, anyway, since you can’t see or feel them.”

“But I have your word that they are alive?

“You have my word that they’re technically still alive, yes.”

“That inspires little to no confidence.”

“Well, shoot. And here I was hoping to assuage your fears.”

“You have done nothing of the sort.” She answered flatly.

I sighed and nodded. “I see where you’re coming from-”

“You killed the closest things I had to friends.”

I created a couple of adorable chibi dolls for her. “I didn’t ‘kill’ them, I duped them into not being as powerful as me. There’s a distinct difference.”

Noir punched me in the past for being, as Max would call it, an ‘Icy, cold Twat’. “You’ve changed for the worse, Twilight.”

“Noir, just let me explain what happened and you’ll understand why I had to do exactly what I did.”

“... If I do not like your answer, the Elements of Existence will rebel against you.”

“Duly noted. Where do you want me to start?”

“Begin with why you’ve banished Max, and do not be slow about your answer.”

“Alright, so we both know that Max was aging rapidly, right? We’re both well aware of the fact that he was going to have a Godly Supernova and would have ended up wiping out the existing universes.”

“Yes, Max would have eventually destroyed all that existed, but he was doing better, was he not?”

“No, not really. By the time I confronted Max and checked up on him one last time, he was barely stronger than you, and Roxy was weak herself from the lack of desire to exist. Anyway, as you may know, the Fate’s aren’t allowed to overturn the judgement of another Fate since it’s just disrespectful, and I didn’t want to show any disrespect while in a new position, so I found the dirtiest loophole I possibly could and exploited it like Max used to exploit Cadance’s love of taffy.” I paused and waited for a moment, but Noir didn’t say anything. “Okay then. So the situation with Max was incredibly weighted in the favour of complete annihilation because Crimson was a prick, but when Max let me be Fate, I got a little frisky with the rules and saw that Crimson might have condemned Max to never have an actual heir. That upset me a little bit, so I starting weaving my own Fate that could be stitched back into Max’s Life, but something was stopping me from outright stripping Max of his power and sending him back in time so I could completely flip his Fate on it’s head, and that ‘thing’ just so happened to be Roxy.”

“Wait, so Roxy would have prevented you from saving Max?”

“She would have stopped me from effectively killing him and giving him to one of my lesser aspects in a peaceful Parallel, yes. I mean, to get the power to subvert both Max and Roxy, I had to drain my universe of energy and steal a little from Roxy’s to supercharge Max and give him another stroke, which resulted in a backlash of Magic so potent, it switched his path with a Kaid Gadai that should have died when Alexander Graham got ahold of him.”

“So this wasn’t just a power grab for the seat of Maximus Omnium?”

I sighed. “Not even close. No,I might be the Omnium now, but I don’t want this level of power, Noir. I just need to hurry up and get my own heir so I can relax before the bronze pea and the black pea fuse completely.”

“... What?”

I held up the bronze pea, contained in the Essedice Cube as it was . “This. This is an entire subset of Parallels.”

Noir stared at it in awe for a moment. “... That is not yours…”

“No, it was Max’s. It was his symbol of hope. The thing that got him through his time as a slave… Do you know what it is?”

“Tell me.”

“... It’s our Happily Ever After. It’s what would have happened if Max had never run into Rainbow and had come straight to me. It’s all the possibilities of our love and the minor twists and turns that the path may have taken… It’s our true happiness.” I looked at the cube sadly for a little while longer.

“What about the black pea?”

“I don't know what Parallels lie within, but I do know that there are more than one in the black one. Max protected me until the very end, even though he thought I betrayed him.”

“I cannot say that I am convinced that you did not.”

I shrugged. “Then I’m sorry, but that’s what it is. If you don’t like it, then hopefully there’s some solace in your future that doesn’t come from me.”

Noir glared at me. “Show him to me.”

“No can do. He’s outside of your influence.”

“... I am Time itself.”

“He exists outside of the Triple Sixes, Noir.”

“... Oh.”

“Don’t worry about him and tell me how you’ve been! I’ve been a little looney for awhile due to the immense shock, but that’s good and gone now.”

Noir stared at me before shifting away, which I found to be rather rude since I’d just made a polite inquiry about her wellbeing, but I didn’t let it get to me. Instead of tracking her down and flaying her alive for showing me that level of disrespect, I went to Heaven Central and was immediately recognized by about half of the living beings there as being Max’s wife and the other half saw me as what I was. I had nothing to say to them as the plaza fell silent, all eyes turning toward me as I, the God who defeated Kaid Maximus Omnium, strode forth and got a corndog. It was a tasty. That being said, I considered what I should do since I had ultimate power and no desire to use it.

We could always peep on cute guys~

‘We could definitely do that.’

Or we could bathe in the blood-

‘No’

Not happening.

‘We’re going to check out a cute guy.’

Ugh. Blood.

‘Morbid.’

Oooh! I spy a cute little guy with green eyes!

‘Hmm? Oh, he is cu- That’s frigging Garrison. Didn't I change his Fate?’

Not my area of expertise, Sweetie.

‘Fair enough. I should go say hi.’

I don’t think he has time to talk.

“Like I care. I’ll make him make time for me.” I muttered to myself.

Eh.

Blood.

“Oh shut up. What else are we supposed to do?”

We have infinite fingers~

… Fingers.

“... Fine.” I sighed, shifting back to my office in Heaven Central. I won’t say what I did there, but at least I was finally sane enough to actually enjoy it.

Author's Note

If you were a wizard, what spell would you invent and why?

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Twenty-Six Part I: The Strings of Fate

Chapter Twenty-Six Part I :The Strings of Fate

✧❖☬❖✧

Our days spent in preparation were mostly silent as Jay and I gathered as much information and intelligence as we possibly could. Of course there were more hiccups than we could have anticipated along those two days, such as Steely needing a hoof and hornicure, a few of our sleeper agents nearly being caught, and it was looking like Jay was going solo as a visiting ambassador from one of the Monkey tribes as far as the assassination attempt was going to go. The hit was going to take place at a banquet and ball, which meant that I was going to have the perfect opportunity to hit the Keep, free Ladesa, and go get some fuckin’ chicken soup or something.

I woke up the day of my jailbreak with little on my mind other than getting Ladesa out of the fire and back into the frying pan with the rest of us. I hadn’t heard anything from Furladra or Dissida since I’d been in Minosia, and Jay hadn’t heard anything from her mysterious Mistress either, so we both should have had a lot on our minds. Jay did, I didn’t. In all fairness, I’d cased three castles, five major Keeps, a few minor ones, and more estates than I could count. I doubted that I was going to have much trouble with my current mark, but Jay was definitely having trouble sitting still. Every time I came across her in the morning, which was a few times while we hustled and bustled about, she was shaky and pale-faced, looking determined and stressed at once.

There was little for me to do other than check up on my gear and make sure I stayed fed throughout the day, so I eventually found Jay while she was teaching some Minotaur Artificers about Blood Runes so they could make their shit stronger. When she was talking about her specialty, nothing could have made her look more confident and capable, so I sat and watched for a good while, not really paying attention to what she was talking about and rather gave my attention to the movement of her lips and the way her tongue occasionally darted out from her mouth to wet them. Of course I tried not to stare, but once she caught me looking, I just gave her a nod and headed out before my face could finish flushing.

Immediately after leaving the workshop Jay and the dozen smiths had taken up refuge in, I ran smack-dab into a woman I really wasn’t expecting to see any time soon, nor was I hoping to see her. Just for the record; I did not hit her. I did not. “Oh, hi Maud.”

“Gauche.” She replied softly, her volume the only indication of her emotions.

“... It’s… Been awhile.”

“It has. You have returned for the assassination of Herodotus?”

“Sorta kinda. What brings you back?”

“... I have business here.”

“May I ask-”

“No.” She answered flatly, cutting off the rest of my sentence rather rudely.

While I was in favour of shooting her in the hoof for being discourteous, I just nodded. “Hmm.” I looked her in the eye for all of two seconds before I looked at her nose. “This is going to be a problem.”

“My silence or your inability to look me in the eye?” Maud droned drolly.

“The power is automatic as far as I’m aware. I’m not quite sure of how to control it.”

She took a step towards me and blew a puff of air up my nose, her breath sweet and warm. “Learn. I wish to look into your eyes once more.”

“... You what?” I asked, staring blankly into her eyes.

“... I missed you. I’ve been missing you… I… I still do.” My Mauble said, her voice shaking off the dust coating memories older than they had any right to be, reigniting the warmth of the first love I had that didn’t actually fuckin’ betray me…

In just a few words, Maud managed to shake my resolve to the core and split me in yet one more direction. Who was I to choose now? Should I choose the woman I love naturally, the one I admire above all others, or the Mare who’d saved me multiple times? In my heart I wanted to grow closer to Jay and help her become used to being a female so she would allow herself to let the sparks between us ignite, but therein also lie the deep desire for Kauku to grant me her hand for the sake of being next to such a beautiful, magnificent creature. And now I had Maud, of all my exes, trying to get back into my life as more than just a colleague. It wouldn’t have been a problem if, for one, I wasn’t aware of the fact that we worked well together both in business and in bed, for two, the fact that Maud is loyal to a fault, and I saved the sweetest part of the deal for last; she’s not that crazy. Sure, all women are a little nuts on the inside besides maybe Sunshower and Applejack, but Maud? She was logically nuts. When she explains her thought process, it makes sense if you actually know anything about her or if you’re one of the few people that hear more than the monotonous mumbling she tends to do.

Naturally, with all of that on my mind, my response was, “I missed you too, but now my head hurts and my life just got more complicated. I need a nap.”

Her brows twitched subtly. “I see. I will-”

“Can I borrow your lap?” I asked casually.

She blinked. “... Yes. May I ask why?”

“I want to sleep with you or on you, and I figured you’d be more open to lending me your lap than taking a nap with me.”

“... Are you interested in being in a relationship with me again?”

“Let me sleep on it.”

“You mean let you sleep on me.”

“Eeyuss.”

“I want something in return.”

“If it’s popsicle it’s possible, I suppose.”

“Tell me whether or not you still hold love for me.”

I tilted my head at her and looked at her like she was being silly because she was being silly. “I would have ignored you if I didn’t. And I wouldn’t have sought you out in Equestria to get my contacts with Bite-Back in proper order. And I wouldn’t ask to borrow your lap if I didn’t still love you to some capacity. And I wouldn’t sleep near you if I didn’t trust you, and by extension love you. And-”

Maud just kissed me, her lips pressing against mine in the familiar way I’d dreamt about from time to time. I knew it was more to shut me up and enjoy the moment than because I looked particularly kissable. When she pulled away, she stayed close and asked, “Gauche… Did you miss me too?”

“I missed your voice. I forgot what you looked like, but I never forgot your voice.” I replied honestly.

“Pffft- Bwahahahaha!” Steely and a couple of his brothers guffawed, though Steely was obviously in charge. “How sweet!”

Maud and I traded a look, but just as I went to let her go and give Doug a workout, she put a finger on my lips, shook her head, and walked off to go take care of business. Steely’s boys were nowhere near fast enough to escape the wrath of Maud when she was in mid-flight, and I could help but appreciate her outfit as it hugged her pleasant curves. The breeches she had on were loose and allowed her to use the full motion of her legs, and her blouse didn’t appear to restrain her movements much as she leapt into the air, did the splits, and double kicked two Minotaurs in their faces, knocking them out cold. The rest ran, but Steely stayed behind to smile and offer Maud his hand.

“Maudileena! It is good to see you again!”

“Do not laugh at me, you horned calf.” Maud said lazily.

“I laugh because I am happy! Can I not be happy to see my friends reunite before coitus- Urk!” Maud punched him in the kidney and he went down like a sack of parsnips that had a couple rocks mixed in to make the back heavier. “Uuuggh.”

“That wasn’t wise.” I commented.

Maud turned and raised a brow. “Who were you speaking to?”

“The one who just got hit. Want to go and take a nap?”

“I do not want to sleep. I will read as you do so.”

I snapped my fingers and pointed at her. “Sounds good to me. I follow where you lead.”

She did the Maud Nod and we were off down the hall with Steely en tow for some odd reason before I shooed him off. I didn’t know why the big lug was staring at my back and glancing at Maud from time to time, but I had a peculiar feeling around my bum that told me that the old Chap wanted to fuck one of us in the arse, and it wasn’t going to be a woman. With Steely out of our way, we had to double back and take a side hall to one of the Underboss’ Quarters where Maud was bunked. She let me get comfortable on her lap after she found a book to read, and with the firm-but-soft nature of her thighs, my face was in bliss.

Without missing a beat, Maud went back to playing with my hair and reading her book while I lost myself in a familiar moment that just seemed to stretch on and on, a break amidst the absolute chaos that Operation: Take the Bull by the Horns it was turning into. I mean, Operation: Picking Raspberries wasn’t looking too much better, but at the very least I knew what the fuck I was doing. Jay, on the other hand, was spending a lot of time still trying to get used to moving in her new body in between resting and meditating. Mari was a very physically weak woman and Jay was used to a body that she could push to certain extremes that were only possible because of Blood Magic, meaning that she was trying to find out what all her deck held at the moment, and for the time being, it really seemed like she should have been taking the risk and trading jobs with me. In fact, splitting up seemed like a worse and worse idea, so while I was ‘napping’, I asked Maud if she’d mind helping to assassinate King Herodotus.

Her reply was to look down at me and tweak my nose. “I was specifically called in to assist with exfiltration when the mission is complete. Do not worry about Jay. She will be in my capable hands.”

“Actually, I was asking if you would mind going because I’d like to sneak in and have a dance with you while you were all gussied up, but I suppose another time could hold the honor.” I sighed, my voice coming out nasally.

“Is there another woman in your life?”

“Jay.”

“Be serious.”

“No, seriously. Furladra is indebted to me, another Goddess serves as my War Dog, a Mare named Sunshower couldn’t handle my lifestyle, I forget the other one, so she evidently wasn’t that important, and that just leaves the woman who makes my willy feel confused.”

Maud flicked my forehead and huffed drolly. “Do not fall for the Femboy.”

I flicked her tit in turn. “Too late. She’s already dancing around my head, but if I don’t let myself admire her, then I doubt anything will come of it.”

“May I ask where Jay’s new body came from?”

“Another dimension or world, apparently, and equally apparently there’s supposed to be some Magic that makes us love each other or something.”

She squished up my cheeks and frowned slightly. “Even when your mind desires me, your heart wants for another.”

That frown broke my heart into a few big pieces, so I offered Maud a piece that I thought I could bear losing for sanity’s sake. Not that there was much left anyway. “My heart desires you too, but life was meant to be complicated, and things tend to get more complicated when you interact with dangerous people.”

“I suppose we are rather dangerous. Me more so than yourself.”

I blew a hefty gust of air and robbed her of her breath for a moment. “You were say- Yeeow!” Maud tugged on both of my ears at once, being none to gentle about it.

“You were saying?”

I grabbed her wrists and we both chuckled at the silliness of the moment. We both knew that she was the heavyweight between us, as well as being the faster of the two of us. However, if we threw Magic into the equation, then I could just shoot Maud from across town as long as I had someone hold the scope for me while I aimed an Airrow and she’d probably paint the walls in fuzz and full gore. I prefered having her in one piece, and I was quite certain that having her beneath my head was rather heavenly, blasphemy and inaccuracy be damned. For the time being, however, it was just like the old days when Maud was still trying to get me to technically join Bite-Back while we spent our days together, and the feeling was worth being blindsided out of nowhere.

[Hold on, can I ask you something?]

… I was on a roll, but sure. Go ahead.

[I thought Maud was done with you?]

So did I.

[Then why did she take you back?]

I was literally getting to that. My next words were going to be, verbatim, ‘Everything was going nice until I remembered that I had to go spring my right hand from the clink just as Maud said’, dot dot dot, to be continued. May I tell my stor-reeeeeeeeee!

{H-Hey, that was unnecessary!}

[It was very necessary. Just tell your darn story.]

… A-Alright. So, as I was saying, Maud took her time in asking, “Gauche?”

“Yes?” I answered dreamily, half asleep.

“... Do you care about why I want you?”

“... Not really, but it’d be nice to know why, I suppose.”

“So you care that I desire you, but you do not care to know the reasoning behind it?”

“Well now you’ve got me awake and interested.” I sat up and watched where she was looking, locking onto my hand holding hers. I didn’t intend on doing that, but it felt right, so I left it where it was. “Why do you want me, Maud? It can’t be because of my devilish looks or-”

“Gauche, you have still yet to reach your full potential.” Maud said softly. “You have changed since we last met face to face, and you have changed in a way that has made your more fearsome. However, your body and Magic have never been your weapons, Gauche. Don’t forget that.”

I furrowed my brows and tilted my head at her. “Maud, why are you telling me this now? I’m aware that I have more to learn, that I’m stronger, and that my mind is my sharpest blade, but what makes you bring it up now?”

“The Pie Family always knows when a person they love is going the wrong way, and all I can feel for you is turmoil, Epidote. I once stood beside you during the tyranny of Odysseus, and I will stand with you once more should you have me. No matter the danger… I…” She wet her lips, her tongue dragging my eyes along them with its course. “As much as I would like to pretend that I want to be with you again for our mutual benefit, I cannot. I miss being by your side and having you by mine in turn. There isn’t a Stallion alive that makes me feel the way you make me feel, that makes my heart pound and my stomach flutter, that listens and understands more than just words. Gauche… You’re the only person outside of my family that knows if I’m crying… How am I supposed to let someone like you go?”

... For a moment, I just stood there and smiled at her, my lips curved into an expression that I hoped would adequately convey my understanding and acceptance of her words. “Maud… When you said you didn’t want to compete for my heart, I understood it then and I still do. I can’t control how I feel, but I can control what I do, right?” She nodded slowly. “Exactly. You walked away, but I never let go. I’ve never wanted to.”

My little Mauble’s eyes glistened and her cheeks started twitching up a storm before the most awkward grin I’d ever seen on a creature was born, capturing my heart in mere seconds. My worries about Jay and her appeal were blown out of the water by Maud’s biggest smile yet, as fleeting as it was. “Your loyalty is going to get you into trouble eventually.” She said shakily, still smiling.

I shrugged. “Furladra and Ladesa both burned me pretty badly, but you?” I snorted, looked away, then looked back to her. “You’ve known me since I’ve been on Equis, nursed me back to health from the brink of death twice, and when Odysseus set his trap for me you risked your life to warn me. You’ve earned every point I give you, Mauble.”

“I still love that name, Epidote.”

“I still can’t say that Epidote’s my favourite thing, but you’re the one saying it, so it’s better than most.”

Maud rubbed the tears out her eyes and leaned forward to give me a hug. “That was a good way to take the romance out of the reunion.”

I hugged her back and chuckled softly. “Can I make it up to you with a date in a place where we’re not going to be wanted for treason?”

“I have heard tell of your interactions with Celestia from some of my contacts. Equestria may not be the best place for you to go if you wish to avoid treason.”

“We have an understanding.” I said, falling back and giving her a certain look. “Authority and I have a tendency to butt heads when our interests collide, though this time it seems as though Celestia and I can benefit each other just fine.”

Maud chased me slowly, evidently wanting to be a little closer. “So you’ve struck a deal with the most powerful Mare on the planet?”

The shrug was casual and the look I gave her wasn’t much more than a ‘Well…’ kind of deal. “Yes, basically.”

“You… You are interesting in many ways that make me think that you should be dead at this point.”

I gave her a quick peck for being cute. “True, and I was dead for around six or seven months. I don’t stay dead is the problem.”

She held my cheek and gave me a longer kiss than I’d given her. “My dashing Draugr.”

“When you say it like that I feel like a corpse.”

“Do you not need to relax and unwind a little more before your mission?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to go check up on Jay, if you’re up for it.”

“... I was hoping to spend more time with you.”

Like I’d done a thousand times before, I threw my arms around my target and dragged Maud down to the bed on top of me. “Like this?”

She let out a few dry giggles. “Yes, this is adequate… I missed this too, Gauche. The simple moments.”

“There’s a lot of things I missed.” I murmured, combing my fingers through her mane and staring up at the ceiling.

“Such as?”

“Having someone who truly loved and cared for me. Speaking of, my sister is alive.”

“I know. I’ve seen her.”

“You have?”

“Celestia’s new tagalong is very popular in Canterlot. Her kindness and virtuosity make her a friend to all of the staff, and many of the Princess’ petitioners find that her rejections of their silly requests sting less than when even Celestia denies their plight.”

“Hmm.”

“You don't sound excited by the news.”

I held her a little tighter, her warmth and weight making me feel a little better about my hypothesis. “... Aria was dead. She became an Emissary or an Envoy of Amelemme, and her mission was to become Celestia’s daughter, but I don’t know why and she won’t say why to anyone other than Celestia. I’m an Emissary as well, but I’m now the Emissary of a being that’s the polar opposite of Amelemme, and my sister was already instructed to whack me when she met me.”

“... So your own sister might be a piece in a grander game, waiting to be used against you?”

“Eeyuss.”

“Terrible.”

“Irritating. I can’t hurt her, and I doubt she would even know what to do if she found out that she got me killed or something of the sort, but then again, I have two very powerful beings at my side and a bevy of skills at my disposal. As for the emotional aspect of having my sister turned against me, I now have my Mauble foundation again.”

Maud scooted up a bit so she could nuzzle me and place her fuzzy ear right over my heart. “What kinds of beings?”

“Worrisome ones that give me migraines.”

“Then it would be better to avoid consorting with them.”

“Tch, if only it was that easy.” I sighed.

She didn’t have anything to say to that, apparently, so we just spent another hour cuddling and enjoying the relative calm before the storm that was approaching at its own pace. However, the oddness of already being back together with Maud struck me and I couldn't help but wonder if that too was just another grand coincidence, like the fact that Ladesa had been the one to get the bad trainee that just so happened to sell her out. As in, why hadn’t it been me or Frieda? Why had it been her specifically? Ladesa was definitely more than smart enough to not get caught on a stroll so what was really going on?

Shit wasn’t adding up.

When I found that I couldn’t clear my mind with Maud on my chest, I asked her if she’d like to go topside and fly around for a little bit to have some fun and she agreed with a teaspoon of hesitation. If I hadn’t known any better, I would have said that she was afraid of heights, but I didn’t think that she actually was until we got into the air. After that, I knew that my dear, fearless Mauble was a little chicken-shit when it came to being in the sky, but it was actually pretty cute the way she scrunched her face up and held onto me for her life until we touched down on a rooftop. Maud had her face buried in my chest, her arms wrapped tightly around me even as we were on level… Well, not ground per she, but a solid surface nonetheless. It was absolutely adorable, and what made it even better was the fact that I got to smooch my way in her personal space because she was terrified and shaky. It’s probably fucked up that I-

{[It is.]}

Fuck both of you. Anyway, I thought it was nice that Maud was trusting me to calm her down, and when she eventually started listening to my reassurances and allowed me to get us off of the rooftop without breaking the cobblestone beneath us, we were able to enjoy the rest of the time we spent topside without too much trouble. When the Sun started setting, it was time to get back to base and prepare for the endeavors that lie ahead, thus making Maud and I split up for the separate briefings that were going on for the missions. In Jay’s Hall, Kerrick himself was leading the charge while no one other than fucking Schrade was running the Op on my Keep Crack.

I was the first to arrive, followed by my Tom Cat lookout, Shard, then Schrade, and Tess the Naga. A few more supporting cast members filed in as back up, assassins, and last minute strategists, but when Schrade started speaking, no one interrupted him. “Crew, this is gonna be a big night. Tonight? Tonight we free our brothers and sisters in chains! Tonight's the night we crack the Ironclad Keep and get Socrates back!”

There were a few shouts of assent, but I didn’t really care because I didn’t know who the fuck Socrates was. Still, I paid attention as he carried on with, “Gauche is one of the few people we’ve ever had that’s both capable of high-speed flight and stealth, so his job is going to be infiltration. No doubt. The plan is to enter through the rooftop doorway or the fourth window from the left on the upper east side of the building, which are the only places in the whole keep that’re supposed to be even slightly unguarded. Unfortunately, the only reason we know that is because our insider was the one to tell us, and he had to make a trip to the Catacomb Converter for important reasons. We only had the one guy, and we only know that the one window is safe for ten minutes a night, so your window of entry is going to be slim.”

“It’s a good thing I still travel light.” I snorted.

Schrade clicked his beak. “Keep your head on straight until you can at least get to the Warden’s office. From there, you can knife the Fuckwad while he’s nodding off or working late, and from there you can check the registry, get out of the building, and get the logues to us. Once Gauche hands over the details, Tess will go in through the sewers and start liberating our brethren from below while the rest of you beautiful flying fucks take out the Guard Towers. Gauche, would you mind pitching in on that, or do you wanna head back inside and free some fighters?”

“Why does he get to choose?” Tess hissed, though that’s just how Nagas talk. “Freeing our comrades should come first.”

“They do, but we need them to be able to get out of the Keep. I say we hit the Guard Towers first so we have a better shot of getting Gauche through and into the Keep in the first place.” Frieda said, having arrived as one of the strategists.

The Tomcocks in the room chirped, including Schrade. A little over half of the females begrudgingly gave up nods of respect, and anybody that wasn’t mentioned just gave some form of assent to the idea without being horny or envious. That being said, Frieda’s beak just made me floppy, so I had the sound mind to say, “I can clear most of the towers myself, I believe. Give me a good longbow and I can hit a coin from fifty paces.”

Schrade raised a brow. “While that’s still good, that’s not good enough.”

“Then I can still help since I’m going to be in the area.”

“True. Take the Northwest tower and then proceed along mission parameters.”

“Para-met-ers.” Mr. Me said back slowly.

Schrade blinked at me. “What?”

“I said what you said: don’t ask me what.”

He raised a talon and opened his beak to reply, but when the room burst into giggles, he just closed his eyes and sighed. “Fuck this shit.”

“Just get through the rest of the briefing.” Some Molly yowled irritably.

The guy currently in charge rolled his eyes. “Anyway, we all forgot about the important shit since Tessi wanted to get all chatty-”

“Call me Tessi again and I’ll rip both of your tails off.” Tess snarled.

“Noted. Gauche, do you want to help fight to free Bite-Backers or what?”

“Pay me.” I stated bluntly.

Everything in the room, including some of the skulls in the walls, seemed to look at me as if I’d lost my entire sack of marbles. “... Did you really just say that?” Frieda asked.

I tilted my head at her. “Since when do I not charge for my services? Getting Ladesa back directly serves me, and getting your people inside of the Keep fulfills my end of the bargain, thus serving you. Going back in after I’ve already gotten my partner doesn’t serve me very well since I’m not exactly good at working with a team.” That isn’t made of Hellbeasts, that is.

Schrade glared at me. “How much do you want?”

My neck was aching a little, so I popped it, though that earned me a look for some odd reason. “How many people do you have in there?”

“Around fifty or sixty. It’s hard to tell when they don’t release bodies and turncoats get released as often as loyalists.”

“Fifty drachs a head and I’ll do all the work inside myself. Just don’t come in once I’ve sent the last of our friends out.” I gave him my most winning smile.

Schrade stared at me. “... You’re planning a massacre aren’t you, you crazy Feather-Brained Fucker?”

“Think of it as less of a slaughter and more of a feast.” I waved his shocked, horrified look aside. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll clean up before anything gets sticky.”

He looked around the room and no one met his eye, so he looked back at me and said, “Once we get our guys out and sort the innocent from the guilty, you can do whatever you want with the guards. Until then-”

“The Prison Wing and the Guard Barracks are on adjacent sides of the Keep.” Frieda pointed out quietly.

I smirked. “Then that means that I can leave the patrols around the Prison Wing to Bite-Back and take the Guard Wing for myself. Won’t take but a few minutes anyhow.”

“Creepy.”

“Psycho.”

“I bet he rapes house cats.” I heard someone whisper.

“I prefer bird pussy, thank you.” I said flatly. “The furrier the better.”

“Stop saying stupid shit, Gauche.” Frieda snapped. “This is an opportunity that we might not get back, so we need you on your A-Game like never before. This is not play time. This is our friends and family getting out of that forsaken keep and back to their lives; not just you and your little Peach reuniting for a good fuck. Get it. Through your. Fucking. Head.”

I gave her a thumbs up and a wink. “Ye, I’ll kill ‘em even harder just because of that rousing speech. Do another.”

She slammed her head onto the conference table and Schrade put a talon on her shoulder. “If she doesn’t kill you, I might. Suit up and get ready to fly. We leave in thirty after a quick rendezvous with the Regiciders.”

“What are we called again?” Some Bitch asked.

Everyone glared at Schrade, who wore his shit eating grin as best he could with a beak. “Night Strike Super Hawk Raid Lightning Force.”

“That’s a stupid name.” Frieda groaned. “Why are all men some kind of retarded one way or another!?”

“Why are all women crazy one way or another?” I asked in turn.

“I’ll peck the fuck out of you, Skinbag.”

“I’ll suffocate you while you’re flying, making you slowly fall out of the sky until you nearly crash into the earth. Know that when you give up is when I’ll give you your breath back.”

The room fell silent and Frieda rolled her eyes. “I’ll kiss you.”

I touched my lips. “Ow.”

“Give up?”

“Yes, Dear.”

“Good. Now do what Schrade said, but do it because I said to and not because he said to.”

Schrade gave her a fucked up look. “What does that have to do with-”

“Sure thing, Boss Lady. Fuck Schrade!” I clapped my fist to my chest.

“Oh, fuck off already before I peck you.” He squawked like many a chicken…

[Stop drooling.]

Go get me some chicken soup.

[Tell your story.]

But let me have some soup.

{You heard the man. Can’t tell a story on an empty stomach.}

[... Do you want anything?]

{Can I get some sugar honey iced tea?”}

[What?]

{Sweet tea, please.}

[... Sure.]

….

{....}

Do you think we can risk talking?

{Already doing it…}

We’re catching up pretty fast now.

{Running out of story to tell.}

… We’re fucked, aren’t we?

{You know I’m not allowed to say.}

…

{...}

[... Did you guys want me to leave just so you could sin?]

It’s a kiss.

{How innocent are you?}

[Whatever, just keep your hands to yourselves. Sinners.]

We’re all born sinners in Amelemme’s- Ow!

[Tell your damn story before I pour the rest in your lap.]

Well thanks for making it hot. As I was saying before I- Mmm, that’s some good fucking soup. As I was saying, Schrade threatened to peck me and I was cool with it since I knew that I could give him severely dry eyes if I really wanted to, and he’d have to smell my breath at that, so I didn’t expect him to be too interested in trying me. Frieda, however, was pounding my arm from the moment we stepped out of the briefing room, calling me all manners of incorrigible and arrogant, foolhardy and brash. I soaked the blows and eventually got a hug out of it because she got tired of swinging at me, but still. The last thing I needed before a night of murder and quiet mayhem was a bruised arm, but I dealt with my discomfort as best I could and soldiered on.

I geared up in my own quarters, my armour and more cumbersome weapons having already been quintuple checked for any sign of give or other weakness. No signs of damage were found, but I was still worried about working against new opponents with old weapons. Nothing felt better in my hands than Doug’s shaft-

{Pffft.}

Shut it. I was about to go into how my weapons all felt like they were made for me at this point in my usage of them, but fuck you. Anyway, I took a little time with Tim to make sure his string was tight and that the locking mechanism on the bow-arm was still functioning properly. The next thing I did was cycle ten rounds through Pam and see if she needed oiled, but for the time being she seemed fine. Doug was good to go as she was, and Carey was still sharp enough to gouge bone, which left my throwing knives, last ditch stiletto, and wrist blades. When I thought about it in terms of the armaments I was bringing into the fight, I felt like I was some kind of stupidly over-prepared squire trying to impress his Master. Happily, however, I make a habit of only carrying things I know how to use, and no, that does not include the Godsbedamned blender, so shut the fuck up, Jay.

{Wasn’t even going to mention it.}

Liar. Anyway-

{*cough* Radio *cough*}

Fuck you. Once I’d gotten my gear on, I practiced moving around in it some more to get a good feel for what I was doing before heading to the Helm Street exit where the Regiciders and the NSSHRLF were supposed to be trading info for the final rendezvous point of the night. Entrances to Bonetown were being sealed, even as the dual debriefing was going on. Jay’s going to tell her part of the story here in a bit, so I’m not going to go over shit she’s going to go over since it’s pretty vital to her side of the shit and whatnot. However, I will say that we had ten minutes to ourselves after the meeting, and even though a couple of Jay’s ‘students’ and Maud wanted our attention for one reason or another, they gave us our space and let us say our peace before we got started.

Jay and I joined hands in a side room, looking at each other with resolution and trepidation in our eyes. Even a soul as tortured and broken as Jay’s could still feel the rush that comes from a job that’s been hyped up for so long, and even a veteran Varas such as myself, the Varas Tuuli even, still gripped his partners hands to calm himself before the heat came on. Her amber eyes and my green eyes seemed to reflect one another until they mixed, like a sunset over Jaise, a Fechette town that had trees growing all around it. I’d been there for a stint with La Guilde de Volours to gain some experience, which is where I just so happened to case my second castle. I’d planned on retiring there with my connections, and I swore to myself that I’d find another town just like it to spend my Silver Solstice days.

“... Jay…”

“We might not come back from this one, my Mans. Imma pray.”

“... To who?”

She gave me a frustrated look. “Fuck else can we do? Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll just kill us both, send your ass to Hell and let me resurrect myself into another male body. Preferably one with a little more colour. Being pale is killing me.”

I headbutted her softly, though Jay leaned forward and stood on her tiptoes to do it back as I was leaning down, so it was wholly unpleasant and not at all what I’d had in mind. “Well ow. If we’re going to pray to Her Majesty, then I’d like to be the guy to lead it.”

“Nah, she likes me better.”

I narrowed my eyes at Jay for but a split second. “That’s... “

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “DearTwilightwhoartinHeavenCentral, hallowed be thy name, thy queendom come to full fruition and all those that bow to your grace be blessed. Let us not forsake our mutual love this day and offer unto you something you actually want for a little extra luck on our mission… Or for some other sucker to have to do this bullshit so the universe doesn’t explode.”

“I think it would be implode.” I commented.

“I think it would shuddup before I kicked its dick into its gooch.” Jay growled sexfully- Ow. Worth it- Ow.

[Still worth it?]

{Why do you hit harder than me?}

[Natural Girlpower.]

{... That’s transphobic as fuck, Homes.}

Both of you shut up. In reply to my True Love’s enticing- Fucking knock it off, I’m allowed to tell the damn story how I wanna tell it!

{Oh, bet. Imma remember that.}

… Fuck it. Why not? As I was saying, my True Love’s fiery retort made me roll my eyes, mildly annoyed by her general snappishness at some level, but generally hoping that I could just give her a hug and make it okay. I reminded myself that Maud was in the other room, she wanted me back, and she hadn’t been a man prior to being a woman, so I settled for squeezing Jay’s hands one more time. With a bow of my head, I saw her shadow mimic the action as I prepared to spill my heart out as I’d done to Furladra a thousand times before.

“My Empress, my Queen. This day I offer unto you my spoils save for the sacrifices I make to the darkness. I beg your pardon and desire your amnesty this night for not myself, but for all of my comrades. All silver and gold I come across will be given to you, and half of the payment for the mission shall be offered as tithe for your blessing. Here we beg of you, our Lady above, to hear our call and see our journey through one more step. In your Holy Name we pray; amen.”

“... Amen. That was pretty… Well, I didn’t take you for the type.” Jay said softly.

“I’ve been deeply religious for most of my life. I was just devoted to a less powerful Goddess.”

“Ah, right. Ladesa’s Mom who isn’t helping us for some reason.”

“The Gods can only give blessings as far as the mortal realm goes. They’re not generally allowed to fight battles for their Human followers.”

“Fucking gay.”

I nodded. “Truer than you know, but sometimes you bite the bullet and deal with it.”

We let go of each other’s hands at the same time and our fists met. “Garrison, if
I don’t make it out, tell Fluttershy that I died as a guy.”

“I will. If I don’t make it out, then come and get my arse.” I snorted.

Jay cracked a smile and tapped my chest with her fist, making my heart pound against my sternum. “Stay alive, Man. I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Only if you’re waiting there for me, hot stuff.” I teased, giving her a little wink.

“I’ll hit you.” She deadpanned.

To return her little tap, I basically pushed her with my knuckles and smirked. “I like it rough.”

“Shut up, Dumbass.” She scoffed.

We both ended up chuckling after it, but it felt like a lot of the tension between us was unwound for a little while. Something told me that Jay was grateful for the distractions of the past few days and the necessary focus that came from the monumental task ahead, but to me, it was just another day on the job. I just wanted to get it over with so I could hurry the fuck up and go figure out how to become the Allfather. With that in mind, Jay and I parted ways with our separate squads and took to our designated topside entrances. We were close together, but on different streets, so we would be safe to get out and get back in if we could find another entrance that wasn’t locked in some way.

My team was made up of Frieda, Dagger Fall, and myself, which wasn’t much unless you consider that we were just supposed to clear the watchtowers shortly before I entered the building itself. The hardest part was supposed to be getting to the Warden’s Office, but I doubted that it would be as difficult as getting my comrades to kill their targets as fast as I would do mine. Still, as we climbed into the air, only the soft sound of our wingbeats could be heard until we rose above the clouds and settled down on one, using an old Griffin war tactic that involves landing on a cloud, kneeling, and beating your wings hard enough to move it without being obvious about it.

To be honest, I expected it to take longer to actually get to the keep, but within ten minutes of some rather casual flapping, we were directly overtop the midpoint of Dagger’s towers. He dropped off of the cloud, the night dark and the Moon unseen in the sky, light barely provided by the flickering magical torches that lined the walls of the watchtowers. His dark coloration would lend it’s aid well to his task, but even with the unscented soap we’d all been sure to scrub ourselves and our stuff with, we were still wary of being scented by one of the horny fuckers. Luckily for me, we’d approached from the West in the first place, so I didn't have far to go for my own tower. Our group split up without a sound in the breeze, all of us hoping and praying that the first step wouldn’t spell disaster for the whole mission, though I still assured myself that all was right. My stomach was feeling normal, which wasn’t a good or a bad thing, and the winds seemed to be moving well enough for the night, but something just seemed… Off, about the whole affair in all honesty.

I didn’t let it get to me as I landed on the roof of the tower as lightly as I could, but there’s always room for doubt in an ill mind. A roll of my eyes was all it took to clear the jitters, convincing myself that I was just being timid about getting my toes back into the water for real. Suffocating the guard with Wind Magic from where I hung on the tower was easy, and after a quick folky-pokey to make sure he wasn’t getting back up, I considered my options.
I could either go and help the other dispatch their targets, thus decreasing the likelihood of us getting caught, or I could trust my team enough to do their jobs right and just head for the roof access like I was supposed to. As short as the debate was, I’d like it to be known that I mostly trusted Frieda to make sure things stayed quiet on the Walls, and that’s the only reason I took off and headed to the oddly unguarded roof.

At first we’d just thought it was too dark for even Griffin eyes to make out the shape of any guards since we were just that high in the air, but as ‘luck’ would have it, there wasn’t a soul on the rooftop. My suspicions from earlier came back in full force, and this time I didn’t even bother trying to assure myself of some alternate cause for my feeling of discontent. I’d walked into traps with my cock in hand before, but this time was different. This time there was no, ‘Touch me and Desmond’ll have you in Grovels.’, or ‘I’m Varas, Bruv. Stand Down.’ to rely on. At the moment, all I had was the Human Capital I’d gathered after a thousand years of torture and a Thief’s Life plus some change. And a small arsenal of weapons. And a few tricks that were guaranteed to earn me some snipped loose ends inside. And back up, if I needed it.

Fuck, I’ve done dumber shit for shittier people. Caution; I control the Wind. Bitch. Without further debate on whether I should lead with Tim or Carey (I chose Carey), I walked into the metaphorical Lion’s Den, though you could just call it the Minotaur’s Keep and I’m sure just as many children from Terra would be scared to go near it. Either or, my feet left the air and hit the solid roof for the first time, and absolutely nothing happened. With a steady hand and an alert ear, I tried picking the lock to the door with my normal tools, but I wasn’t surprised to find that the mechanism was too heavy and a little more complex than what I had on hand. However, I also happened to have Magic. The internal struggle against whether or not to take the easy way out was decided in a flash. I’ve deviated against plans before for the sake of saving them entirely, and my gut was telling me that actually opening the roof door (And standing in front of it) would have gotten me killed to death. Thus, Garrison the Ever-Clever laid a new plan and hatched it with record time, circling the upper rim of the building for any windows that didn’t have bars on them.

With the knowledge of magical alarms making itself known in my head via repetition that I wasn’t really doing on purpose, I carefully approached one of the three non-barred windows I’d seen while scouting, but much to my surprise, the curtains on the other side were either pink or a light, girly purple. I couldn’t really tell since the only light available came from inside and muddied the true color of the cloth, but nevertheless I felt as though someone had just given me a free hostage. Because, you know, I probably had a free hostage. A quick zip back to the Rendezvous Point with Frieda and Dagger earned me two Watchdogs, and with that, we sped back to our new mark with venom surging our thoughts.

We considered how we should open the obstacle ahead of us for a solid minute or so before we came to the conclusion that Dagger would do the knocking and I’d do the talking. Dagger Fall hovered his way down to the target and rapped his knuckles against it several times in a soft staccato, vaguely reminiscent of the Barber hook for ‘Jobs available.’. After a minute or two of silence, Dagger flew back to the window, knocked harder, and got out of dodge as soon as he could, just barely clearing the window in time for the curtains to be thrown to the sides and the window itself slide up.

“What in Tartarus is-” A young Cow started.

I flew into her like an Airrow from my Air Bow and stopped us before we could slam into a wall, trapping us in a vacuum that made life really cold and really sucky. Well, up until I gave myself some air and practically suffocated the mark before I even took a look at the room she’d been in. Much to my surprise, it was obviously an office, but even more to my fucking surprise, she might’ve been the Godsbedamned Warden as far as I knew, seeing as how the placard on the heavy marble desk said so. It was nice to have something go right for once, so I waved Frieda and Dagger Fall into the room to take care of our new acquaintance while I searched for the Prisoner Registry. It wasn’t hard to find since it was in the woman’s desk, but reading it was a whole ‘nother demon. Some of the prisoners in the Registry had been in Grey Grotto for over a hundred years, and with that came changing vernacular and a slightly strange looking alphabet, but it wasn’t my job to read the damn thing; just find it.

Once I had it in hand, I passed it off to Frieda and she ran it to the rest of our team outside the keep’s walls. Meanwhile, Dagger and I stood watch of our Warden turned prisoner and made sure to tie her up tight and gag her before she could start mooing or something and give away our position. However, when Frieda came back from the meet up, she said that none of our guys were where they were supposed to be, and that the only people she could find were the watchtower teams. In other words, we were up shit’s creek and Bite-Back was missing the paddle, but I knew in my heart and gut that we could still pull the mission off with the team we currently had, so I headed out this time, rounded up the remaining five members of our team, and placed them in charge of killing our hostage before getting the Hell away from the keep while Dagger, Frieda, and I took to the halls because we had a fucking mission to complete.

We didn't speak much, though that was mostly because we already knew that we were going to the Barracks first to do some digging, and then we were going to head to the actual Prison itself. We were on the fifth floor of the building and the prison occupied the first through third floors, so we worked our way down to the fourth, only needing to suffocate two patrols (To death. Who knew what they did with our people at that point?) in order to clear a path to the barracks themselves. As I’d fucking expected, the Barracks were only a quarter full of sleeping Minotaurs, but Frieda and Dagger recognized some of them as guards, so we popped one of my restocked Joke Trochs and let them all pass away quietly in their sleep. By stabbing them while they couldn’t breathe. In fact, I think a lot of them woke up, but eh; what can you do?

{Sick fuck.}

Shush.

[She’s right.]

I’ll cock-slap both of you with a rubber rooster… No objections? Good. We continued with our all-too-easy job because we knew that the worst was yet to come. Still, we soldiered on and held our silence as we crept and sauntered through the keep with Dagger making trips back and forth between Frieda and I and loot spots so we could maximize profit on the mission and hopefully get more out of it than just a slap to Herodickius’ face. I mean, he was already slapping us pretty hard, but it was just a little ridiculous how we were practically having the run of the place with little to no trouble from anyone.

Until we got to the Prison, that is.

The Prison Wing… We… We found out why there were so few people in the building, and it was…

[How could it have possibly been worse than poisoning and killing at least twenty guards?]

… Dagger stacked up on me with his sword drawn and Frieda kept watch while I did my best to figure out the controls to the entrance of the keep, eventually passing the duty off to Dagger since he actually knew something about modern Jailbreaking as opposed to my ‘archaic’ methods. He stayed in the Main Control Room while Frieda went back to check up on our hostage and the team that had stayed behind to take care of her while I went to enter the Prison itself. With Tim and Carey drawn and ready to go, Dagger unlocked the door and I waited for a full minute before opening it with trepidation. The moment I touched the fucking handle I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong, and I had the worst of feelings about what I’d see inside. However, it didn’t matter since Ladesa had been confirmed as a prisoner in the registry, and she needed my fucking help, so I buckled down, tightened my belt as metaphorically as one could slipped through the door, leaving it slightly cracked for a quick exit if need be.

From the second I stepped into the miasmic cloud of odiferous, metallic, sewage-like scents, I formed an Air Bubble around my head to try and purify as much of the putridity as I could, but even then I still needed to slip my mask on and pull my goggles out of their pouch. Death was strewn through the air like grain waste during a festival, and despite having lived in
The Grey and literally eaten rotten flesh, I wasn’t fond of smelling blood, piss, shit, and rot all night, so I was eager to get my part of the job over and fucking done with as soon as possible. Thankfully, I already knew that Ladesa was in cell C-12, and I was already on that floor from my entry. Instead of heading straight to her like a fool, however, I chose to do a little scouting, looking inside every cell and waiting for the slightest sound to ring out in the eerie, dim silence.

There was nothing.

Looking around the top floor of the Prison? There was nothing. There was no one in the cells, no one making any noise, no one even breathing. Ladesa’s cell had been blocked off from view, so I couldn’t see inside, which was when I made a mistake. With Ladesa’s cell under suspicion, I made my way to on of the staircases down to the B-Block of cells and realized why there weren’t any people out and about. I also realized why there weren’t many guards out and about, and that’s because they were all out and about. Inside out and about, I should say. Gore and viscera painted the walls of B-Block with organs, entrails, heads, gnawed bones, and half-chewed body parts all pinned to the walls with yellowed spikes of bone that sent chills down my spine. I wasn’t fucking with a simple beast of some kind; I was most likely fighting a supernatural being that Jay would have been more suited toward fighting than I would have been, but the choice had already been made and I was standing heel-deep in blood, so my best bet felt like trying to kill the thing that had killed the rest of the prison. That also felt like a bad idea, so Tim went back to my hip and Pam came out to play while I made my way back to the stairs so I could head down to A-Block.

While B-Block had been a horrorshow, A-Block was… Dissidic, to say the least. Flayed corpses were strung up in various obscene positions with their genitals mutilated. For example, there was a Molly with her fur and flesh peeled off of her top half, exposing the muscle and skin underneath to the air, maggots wriggling around in the putrefaction of all that she was. Her eyes were jammed into holes cut into her skull; one in the front and one in the back while the socket’s themselves had what appeared to be the fingers from each hand jammed into them. As… Interesting, shall we say, that display was, the lower half of the poor Molly was what nearly made me lose my lunch. Her tail and a dozen others from half a dozen races had been shoved bone-first into holes that had been drilled into her hips, sides, lower cheeks, and arse, while one of the largest Bulls I’d ever seen lie beneath her, bereft of all flesh other than what was on his pelvis and thighs.

Through the power of a single string that had obviously been tied painfully tight, the Minotaur’s cock was still splitting the unfortunate Molly’s gash, turning her slit into a wound unlike that of which any a female should have to experience. I realized at that moment just how horrible Frieda’s experience with the once Minotaur must have been, seeing as how the Molly was torn apart by the Bull. Still, that was one of the less grotesque scenes that were on display on the lowest level of the Prison. Many more were dotted about, but I only needed to see the one moving thing to know that I needed to run. It truly had been foreshadowing. Odysseus was back, feasting on the flesh of his brethren and I just so happened to be occupying the same Gods fucking fuckedity ducking fuck butt room as him.

Does anyone need to be reminded of what I did to him? Hot sauce bottle smashed in his penis, cut his tongue out, sliced him up nice and proper. Scaphism. I wasn’t eager to see if Pops was in the right mind to remember me, but I also knew that I didn’t have many places to run, and leaving him unchecked was pretty much the worst thing I could do, so I did what I could and conjured up my bow and an Airrow, knocking and aiming at my former foster father for the sake of finally finishing the fucking failure him off.

And then he turned around and gave me a looksee.

I nearly pissed myself, but my Airrow flew true nonetheless and hit Ol’ Odie straight in the stomach, blowing the flesh straight out of him, the organs that were still left inside of his reanimate corpse splattering all over the wall behind him. It wasn’t a pretty sight to say the least, but I didn't trust the facade he put up when he sank to his knees, so I pulled Pam back out of her holster and unloaded six shots into his face as fast as I could before taking off and damn-near hitting the ceiling. Odysseus was still on the ground when I took off, and upon landing on solid ground on the third floor, I saw that he didn’t appear to be getting up. However, my heart was alight with rage and fear, so I conjured up my bow one more time, but I had a twist to it this time.

The charge was effortless since I was deadly calm and far more than furious that my old tormentor was back, so making a flaming Airrow wasn’t exactly difficult either. I didn’t like that I was relying on my Magic so heavily, but I wasn’t trying to fight a fucking Zombie that had slaughtered some of the toughest prisoners and guards on the planet. Thus, in the interest of staying alive, I condensed as much pure, unadulterated emotion in the Airrow as I could, drawing it back as far as I could make it go before letting it loose at a high angle. As much as I’d expected the Airrow to killaguy, I wasn’t anticipating it to ignite and change from cold air to Mothica Fyre, which was a Denosian specialty that the Guilds used around the world to either torch something completely, burning it for days on end until someone could douse it with mud and sand, or to cook Furd'oeuvres. Ever moreinteresting was the fact that the Fyre Airrow left a stream behind it that seemed to hover in the air for a second before ‘following the leader’, as it were.

My little gift to dear Ol’ Pops hit him in the face and the Airrow stopped once it sank in about an inch. He sat up, tried to pull it out, and then shrugged when he couldn’t. “Oh well.”

“... Fuck.” I breathed, barely even audible to myself.

“Oh Sonny-Boy~ Pops missed you!” Odysseus crooned from the lake of blood he was standing in.

I lifted a hand. “Thanks. Missed you-” Pops sprang up and cleared A-Block in a single bound. “SHITE!!!”

Mr. Me was in no hurry to get killed back to death again, but with less guarantees of coming back to life. I was maybe just a little shaken that Odysseus managed to get within ten feet of me before I could put some space between us, but even as I snapped my fingers and loosed the last laugh he’d hear between the two of us, I might have wee’d a little out of sheer fear for my life. The trail from the Airrow in Odie’s head had followed him around as he’d been jumping, but it hadn't ever gotten any shorter. Now there was a great green streak hanging in the air, marking everywhere Odysseus had been in the past four seconds. Upon snapping my fingers, the trail retracted into the air in the blink of an eye and the energy Odysseus had expended since he’d been hit factored into the strength of the incendiary explosion that wreathed his form in Mothica Fyre.

Distracted by the prospect of being burned alive for a good long while, Pops fell off of the third floor all the way down to the first, head first. There was a nasty splat and splatter when he hit the stone floor, but all I cared about was Ladesa, praying that she was still alive and unaccosted. With her on my mind, I returned to the one cell I couldn’t see inside and tried to come up with an idea as to getting her out and making sure we could keep Odie in. Instead of shouting through the door, I cupped my hands around the keyhole and carried a steady stream of the cleanest air I could get, whispering that I was here to save Ladesa and that she should knock twice if she was alive. After two weak knocks, I placed a hand over the giant locking mechanism of the door and blasted it with air as hard as I could, trying to shear the metal out of the thing so I could open it. When that didn’t work, I let Ladesa know that I was coming right back with the Cell keys, but when I went to leave the Prison Block, the door was closed.

It was also locked.

The plan was in pieces. Everything was turning to shit, so I lost my cool for the first time in so long, I forgot what anxiety actually felt like. I needed to save Ladesa and myself. I needed to get her back to Applejack and I needed to get myself back to Maud. I needed to go find out what happened to the rest of my team and I needed to know if Jay was okay, so I said ‘Fuck it’ to the Airrow and made a Spear of Fear, which is just what I’m going to call the spear made of fire. With it, I attacked the door that lead to the rest of the prison, but my best bet was going for the joints and doing my business slowly and steadily, which killed me on the inside. It took me thirteen minutes to penetrate one single hinge, so I turned up my fury and panic and manage to make it through the next two in seven. Cutting through the lever that locked the door itself took time, and the door was still going nowhere, but then I heard a fucking bonechilling roar and rushed over to the railing to see what was going on.

A flaming Odysseus and a handful of the more ‘whole’ corpses were bashing each others constantly and the Mothica Fyre was spreading, making the shin-deep lake of blood ignite and turn the whole room into a giant, hellish oven. Panicking harder than ever, there were more ideas forming in my mind than ever, so I start creating a vacuum tube that I could launch Air Bullets down in seconds, flinging my prtojectiles at the difference between life and death for the sake of not fucking dying myself. After a minute of sweating, the oxygen in the room was heavily depleted, but the brightest thing was that I had one more large Air Bullet until the door to the upper floor was broken. With a precious reserve of my Magic left, I hit the door with what I could spare and it finally fucking fell, nearly bringing tears to my eyes that weren’t induced by toxins in the air. In a hurry, I carried as much pure air as I could into the room, funneling it past me and into Ladesa’s cell, airing the place out so she wouldn’t fucking die.

With her taken care of for the moment, I flew back to the Barracks without checking on anyone else so I could grab the C-Block keys, locating the one marked for Ladesa’s cells after a few frustrating minutes. With the one out of thirty others in my hand, I flew back to Ladesa as fast as I could, weary and nauseous from multiple factors that all made me just want to puke and lie down. Instead of being a pusillanimous bitch, however, I chose to be a man like my Guildmaster before me and went back into the fire from the frying pan. Thankfully it was only hot and fetid within the Prison, so I just had to unlock Ladesa’s cell and drag her pale, weakened form out as fast as I could.

I picked her up and carried her like a Princess for reasons, though those reasons were mostly because she was too weak to walk and smelled better after three days without a bath than the Prison did after an hour of being alight. “Fuckin’ love ya, Gauche.” Ladesa murmured as I ran out of the prison, heading back to the Control Room.

“Save it, Raspberry. We gotta get out of here first.” I replied, as tense as I could be.

Not another word was said between us until we got to our first destination. Dagger was already pacing like a madman around the Control Room when we arrived, so he took Ladesa off my hands so we could fly back to the Warden’s office and get out of the Godsforsaken keep. Frieda was waiting outside the door when we arrived, but her first question was, “Wait, where in Tartarus is everyone else?”

I looked her in the eye, “You don’t want to know.”

“... Damn.” She murmured.

“Not just Bite-Back.” Ladesa croaked.

I shook my head. “Odysseus is back. We need to get the Catacombs cleared out if we can’t contain him here.”:\

Frieda’’s breath shook as she drew it. “Okay. Okay, here’s the plan. We’ve just heard word that things are going sideways at the castle from a runner, but no one knows what’s up with our team. We need to cut our losses and get out of here as fast as we can so we can go help out. Any objections?”

I looked to Dagger Fall. “Where’s the safest inn you know of?”

He nodded. “I get it. You’ll find us at the Fly’s Eye.”

I nodded in turn. “Thanks, Bruv.” Turning back to Frieda, I said, “I need to interrogate the Warden. There’s a reason Odysseus isn’t dying like he should be and I think she knows why.”

“Let me do the talking. If you fought him and got out alive, then you’re going to be more help to the assassination team then any of the watchtower team.” She reasoned.

“The King…” Ladesa moaned. “You have… Dead... You have to...”

“We will, Desa. Take some time to rest and get your strength back. I’ve gotta go get Jay, so don’t die on me, alright.”

She held up a thumb, which was good enough for me to leave her alone and enter the Warden’s Office once more so I could exit through the window. The Ironclad Keep was within walking distance of the Iron Castle, so getting there from the sky was faster than you could say ‘Fuck off, dick rabbit’ three times. I didn’t know how exactly I was supposed to approach the building since it was evidently a bad time to do so, but I kept on nevertheless since I’m just that nice of a guy. That, and I really wanted to kill Herodotus and go back to Equestria so I could cuddle with Maud and tickle her ears. It just sounded really attractive at the moment, and I was willing to bet that she would even let me be the big spoon for a little while. The prospect was quite enchanting, so I just crashed into the place through the biggest window I could find and found myself a good place to hide for a minute before a couple of guards came thundering around a corner.

Neither of them seemed to know where I was, but I did notice that neither of them actually breathed, seeing as how I took the air from their lungs and replaced it with nothing. They quickly realized that they couldn’t talk, but by the time they realized that they were in trouble, I’d already shot one of them in the back of the neck with Tim and was reloading. I managed to knock my bolt just in time to nail the other one right between the eyes, but sadly there just wasn’t enough force behind the blow to penetrate the bastards thick ass skull. Not that there was anything to penetrate behind it, but still. However, I did spring out from my hiding place a third time and rush the guard, ravishing his skull through his jaw with Carey before he had time to heft his axe. Ripping my knife out of him was a little hard than it should have been, but I blamed that on his thick fucking Minotaur head and carried on with my business, except this time I flew up near the high, vaulted ceiling to avoid being detected by pedestrians.

The mission was supposed to be going down in the Ballroom, but I didn’t know where that was exactly. It was on the first floor, which is where I was, but it took me the better part of ten minutes to locate the room and subsequently assess the situation. I had to fly in through a ventilation shaft of some sort, but either way, I entered the ballroom unseen and before me lay a scene of yet more carnage, but this time there were two things that were moving. One was the single largest living sentient being that I’d ever seen, standing at four and a half meters tall, or around fifteen feet at the very least. His armour was covered in blood that didn’t seem like his own, despite the gashes and charring that dotted the metal from place to place. The other was a striking woman with flaming red hair who was holding a crimson longsword in one hand and a giant, unreasonably large pistol in the other.

“ … Done well to get to this point, Heffer! It’s been years since a mortal has pushed me this far!” The King proclaimed excitedly. “From this day forth, Mari Jayne shall be known throughout Minosia as my toughest challenger yet!”

“Dream on, Cocksnot! Fight ain’t over!” Jay growled.

“Ha! Your little runes and spells might have carried you to this point, but I’ve yet to take a true blow from you and you’re nearly out of Magic! What hope could you possibly have!?” He guffawed shortly before taking a Fyre Airrow to the side of the head.

The Mothica Fyre started spreading, but before it took his head over completely, the green flames turned black and petered out, inviting Herodotus to look at me. I waved. “So you’re hard to kill.”

“Who in the horns are you?” He asked gruffly, just as Jay disappeared for some odd reason.

“I’m Garrison, and I’m here to do stuff, I guess. You wouldn’t happen to be suicidal, would you?”

He glared at me with hatred in his eyes. “I have no time for fools. Begone.” Herodotus swept his hand in front of him, casting some manner of Magick in my direction, so I took off to avoid getting Magicked since it seemed like a generally painful thing to do.

Sadly, my luck ran out the moment I engaged with Herodotus and didn’t kill him, because I still got hit in the chest with a yellowed spike of bone that nearly knocked me out of the air. It should have, in all honesty, but the steel plates in my armour paired with the lacquered leather meant that I lived to see another day. Getting hit still hurt, so I was a little more than pissed that Herry was so damn accurate with his little bullshit spikes. Thus, I I threw a fireball back at him for being a prick, but he in turn hurled more and more spikes at me that I had to dodge and deflect to the best of my ability in mid-air, which pissed me off even more. Back and forth we went, each of us just getting more and more frustrated at each other since neither of us were really doing damage to the other. On my side, I was singing his fur slightly and blinding him from time to time so I could sneak in a decent shot with Pam, but on his side, he was making contact with his shots every once in awhile, but none of them were much more than flesh wounds or bruises, so we were at a stalemate.

Until Jay came back out of nowhere, standing behind Herodotus with the massive gun from before. I saw him load three bullets into the thing while I was trying to hold the King’s attention, and as soon as Jay got them loaded, I juked forward and dashed left to make Herodotus swing away from Jay so he could get shot in the spine. The crack of the gun was deafening in the Ballroom, and the gore that exploded from Herodotus’ chest was impressive to say the least. The bullet had left a hole the size of my bloody head in his chest, and soon enough another hole joined it, but this one was in his stomach. Somehow, missing two large chunks of his spike, Herodotus still spun around, grabbed Jay, and threw her at me rather quickly for a man who had just been shot twice.

Since I’m super nice, I bothered with catching Jay and got her back down to the ground in record time, both of us facing off against Herodotus with a little less in our reserves than we would have liked. We didn’t have a Grand Finale style back up plan. There were no more reinforcements. It was either do or die, and dying just wasn’t on my todo list at the moment, I started up my Air Gun and cast a quick glance at Jay. She seemed to be working on her own thing, but Herodotus just stood near the middle of the room, glaring at us.

“And!? Was that all you had to offer!?” He roared.

“I have one last attack in me. After that I can get you out.” I murmured.

“I’ve got a plan. Fire off whatever you’re doing and fly around him for a bit. Try not to get Oh-Ko’ed. Wait for my mark.”

“Tch. So don’t get hit. Gotcha. What are you doing?”

Jay passed me a devious, devilish smile. “Blood for blood and bone for bone, let the sinner now atone. Paid in blood the debt is filled, scorched soil shall now be tilled.” With a loud clap that I assumed was her mark, all of the blood around jay started bubbling, so I shot my Air Bullet as fast and as hard as I could.

The impact of my attack was decent seeing as how it hollowed the rest of Herodotus out, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. Now the guy just had an empty torso that was connected by bone, but then Jay’s plan came to fruition. The blood that had been boiling surged and seeped into the bodies of the people around us, waking them from the slumber of death and bringing them back into the world of the living. Once they were all on their feet, they started shambling toward Herodotus and Jay’s amber eyes started glowing red, her wicked smile growing more and more evil by the second. Necromancy was a dark art that I’d never wanted any part of, and seeing that the woman who was supposed to be my true love performing the darkest of arts was disheartening to say the least. Still, even Herodotus was confused as the people that had previously been slain marched toward him, but never came closer than arms reach. None of them did anything other than stand around him, tightening the circle as more and more of them came.

And then I realized something.

Different races were placed on different lines, different vertices of the circle. Something was just off about what was going on, but Herodotus didn’t seem to notice it. “So you practice the Necrotic Arts as well? You’re aware that all of these people are Soul-Bound to me, correct.”

Jay chanted while Herodotus was talking, but her smile just lost what little sanity it had left as she carried on with, “Graces fall, the children bawl, now disquiet is incited. Of Moudar’s Call,” Herodotus’ eyes shot open, “and Grogar’s awl, now the quiet is ignited.”

“GROGAAAAR!!!” Herodotus roared, making odd motions with his shoulders. I couldn’t see his hands or hooves, but I assumed that they were preventing him from making a run for it.

Then, out of nowhere, Jay tugged on my arm and buried my face in her chest, I couldn’t have cared much less about what was going on until I heard the nastiest, most sickening sound I’d ever heard. Thousands of bones exploded along with vital tissue and organs, sending bone shards and gore in all direction around Herodotus. I didn’t see the spectacle for myself, but I felt the magical shockwave that it produced and heard the glass in the windows all shatter from the force of the explosion, my Air Bubble being the only reason Jay and I weren’t deafened. Once I felt Jay let me go, I turned back toward Herodotus and saw nothing more than a desecrated Minotaur’s skeleton standing around, painted red.

I blew a gust of wind at it and it fell over.

“... Well then.” I commented.

Jay put a hand on my arm. “Good save, my Man.”

I tapped her shoulder with a fist. “Next time, kill the bastard on your own.”

“Tch. Just be happy I got everyone from our side out before the shit hit the fan.”

“I was just going to ask about what happened to Maud since she was supposed to be here with you. Where’d she go?”

She pointed at a broken window that I could have flown through. “She got thrown out for being a Pony.”

“Damn… So…”

“Drinks?”

“I hope there’s mead around here somewhere.”

Jay pointed at a bloody banquet table that had a keg on it. “Might taste like Minotaur, but it’s mead.”

“I can wait.” I patted her shoulder.

She hit me lightly. “So how’d the Ironclad Keep turn out?”

“Mmm… Yeah, so everyone except Ladesa died a brutal, bloody, terrible death. Literally like a sea of blood in there.”

“Dayum.”

“Mhmm. Let’s get alcohol and talk.”

“Dude, I’m good. I’m already batshit insane.”

“I need a hug.” I replied easily.

Jay squeezed my arm and started steering me toward the largest door in the room. “Figured you would. I’d give you one, but I ain’t gay, Bruh.”

I patted her back. “Understandable. You’ll have to tell me how this whole ordeal turned into a super bloodbath.”

“Before or after you go over your part of the story.”

I gave her a shit eating grin. “Ladies first.”

I just barely managed to dodge her blow, but I still slipped in some blood and nearly fell anyway. “That’s what you get, Fuckboy.”

I snorted and did my best to shake off the nightmares I knew were coming. It didn’t help. Joining Jay’s side once more should have made me feel a bit better about the current situation. Should have. My stomach was a leaden ball and my mind was sluggish from the sheer amount of Magic I’d expended in the past three hours, but I still had enough to get Jay and I to a safe place for the night if at all possible. The thing was that Jay was already walking with a discernible limp and was wounded on her left shoulder, thought she took care of the wound with a small tool by carving a rune into her flesh, and I’d been literally poisoned by the burning miasma in the Prison, so neither of us were really ready for a third or fourth wind to surge through us…

I loaded Pamaus until I couldn’t fit anymore bullets in her and watched as Jay did the same with her own guns before holstering them to adjust her gloves. When we got to the door, she signalled for me to hold up before extending the same hand. “Ay, you ready to rock?”

“We don’t have to fight our way out of this, you know.” I replied a little irritably as another strange looking rune formed on the door.

“It’s not really gonna be much of a fight after this.”

“Enough life has been wasted tonight, Jay.” I said icily.

She cast her cool gaze upon me, splattered in scarlet as she was. She cut a dashing, fierce figure with her attire tattered and bloodstained as it was, bearing her wounds as she did. “Then what’s another spoonful to the bucket? These motherfuckers revel in bloodshed, Garrison. I’m telling you; this should have been an extermination from the start, Man. This shit? This ain’t shit compared to what they did, Garrison. Herodotus and his cabinet all deserve to die.”

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and sighed out some frustration as the door exploded with a vengeance into the hall.

Author's Note

The perfect word count was an accident, but dear fucking god was it a process to get the internet required to get this posted.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Cross-Up

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Cross-Up

✧❖☬❖✧

An old lullaby warning against the dangers of going to sea with a mad captain ran through my head after a flash of crimson flames blew the door before us to pieces. Sadly, the pieces of that door didn’t really go all that far, and there were plenty of pissed off Minotaurs on the other side of it. However, ‘Jayne’ waved her hands and some blood that had been scattered and splattered about came to her hands to form a wicked looking staff, topped with a bloody tiger holding an orb on the top of the creation. Jayne slammed her staff on the ground once and I heard a groan behind us and the rattling of bones, so I turned around because I figured that my partner in murder had the front.

Much to my chagrin, Herodotus’ bones roses from the floor, marred and maimed though they were. His eyes sockets glowed with a sinister light that I was none too fond of, so I nudged the woman who got me into this particular bit of madness in the first place and asked, “Is that you with big and Kingly, or are we fucked?”

“I’m steering him. I need you to buy us some time.” She replied tersely. “I wasn’t expecting the fucking Spanish Inquisition to be on the other side of the doors.”

“What is the meaning of this!?” A Bull roared, two more coming to the front of the crowd along with him. “Who dares invade the Ironclad Keep and defame the Iron Crown!?”

“Yo.” Jayne raised a hand.

“Heya.” I turned the rest of the way around. “Not to be a snitch, but I did the Keep and she did the Crown.”

“Hey!”

“He asked.” I shrugged.

Jayne gave me a shitty look. “Yeah, but he was a dick about it!”

“Silence, fools! Who has slain our KING!?” Loud-mouth shouted.

My soulmate raised her hand and I pointed at her. “Me.”

The main three Minotaurs each fell to one knee in turn. “Our Queen!”

“Pffft!” My voice caught in my throat as Jayne’s face lit up bright red and she looked at the guy’s she’d probably been planning on killing. “Nig- Mino- Niggataur, did you lot just say Queen?”

The guy who’d been talking nodded, raising his head to look at me. “As the Queen’s Consort, you have the right to challenge Herodotus’ Queen for her land under Herodotus’ own laws.”

I looked at Jayne and she looked looked at me. “There’s a Queen?” I whispered.

She hit me. “How long did you spend here? How did you not know whether or not there’s a Queen?”

A noise of ‘I don’t know’ was made and I just got a look for being the most brilliant idiot before Jayne lead the way over to the veritable army of Bovine Brethren. When she gestured for the fellows to rise, they did as she gestured for and still saluted and bowed before her. “It was told by the Oracle in her last days that Herodotus would meet a challenge this night. Many edicts have been made and altered regarding this night, but in essence, you are now the rightful heir to the Iron Crown, my Lady.”

Jayne made a face. “Alright, so that’s going to be annoying. I’m a Queen and there’s another Queen. What’s up with that?”

“Queen Hermione of Equinis sent us here from her personal lands to tell either Herodotus or the winner of the duel that she intends on coming to the castle for the first time in fifty years.”

“Damn.” I commented, a little surprised by the length of her absence and the callousness of the implication.

“Shut up, Garrison.” Jayne said smoothly. “So she was prepared for her husband to go back to being regular dead instead of undead?”

The fellow nodded. “Yes, My Lady. Her Majesty Queen Hermione is more than meets the eye, which is saying very much.” He gave my partner a meaningful look. “May I ask your name, Your Grace?”

Jayne glanced at me and said, “My name is Mari Jayne, and I assume I have the right to deny the titles and all this bullshit if I want, right?”

“If you do, then you’ll be arrested for treason and Hermione will kill you slowly. She is far more powerful than Herodotus.” The Minotaur said bluntly, giving her a dull look.

I scratched my head. “That’s nice and all, but what do we do now?”

“First we clear up the fact that you’re like one of my Knights or Advisors rather than being my fuckin’ Consort.” Jayne said easily, almost hurting my feelings, “after that, you go and tell our friends that I’m alive and neither of us stay in this shitty room any longer.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“... You can’t clean this mess up?” The once-shouty fucker asked.

I looked to Jayne and she sighed. “Sure, whatever.” The blood in the room started gathering and flowed into her purse while she checked a wristwatch I hadn’t noticed her wearing. After a moment or two, she started tapping her foot while the blood petered in until the flow stopped. “And we’re good.”

The Minotaur nodded and I watched as heaps of bones continued to stack themselves for easier clean up. “Thank you, Queen Jayne. Shall I show you to your temporary quarters?”

“Nah, I’m stepping out for a drink and a toke. It’s been a long ass night, you know?”

“The sooner you get started on accepting your duties, the sooner you’ll be prepared for them.”

Jayne gave the Bull a look. “I’ll eat your hooves with cheddar and habaneros, motherfucker.”

He nodded. “As you wish, Your Grace.”

“Just call me Q Jayne.”

“... Q Jayne?” The fellow asked.

“Short for ‘Queen Jayne’. I’m not diggin’ the feminine ‘Your Grace’ bullshit, you know? I mean, I don’t really even want to be a Queen, but-”

“You will surely die if you don’t~” Lujei sang on the breeze.

“Yeah, that.” Jayne muttered.

“What’s your name, Bruv?” I asked the main Minotaur guy.

He gave me a droll look. “What is your title?”

“What’s yours?” Jayne asked for me.

“I am the former King’s Herald.”

“This guy is like, my Spymaster.” She jabbed me in the ribs with her thumb.

I tugged on her hair. “Sure thing.”

“Ow! Prick.” She grumbled.

“Sorry, I’ll be more subtle about it next time.”

“My name is Perseus, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t abuse the Queen of Minosia.” The Minotaur said flatly.

“She started it!” I protested.

Perseus gave me a flat look before turning to Jayne. “... This is your Spymaster?”

“The guy’s actually a tactical genius and he’s better at infiltration than just about anyone I’m supposed to know. He gets stealth. He’s just older than fuck and crazy as shit.” My so-called ‘partner’ answered.

“Thanks.” I grunted.

“Aww, does your pussy hurt?” She teased.

I gave her a look. “You like breathing, don’t you?”

She went to answer and found that she couldn’t, which I let happen for a solid ten seconds before her face started turning red and she was ready to pull a gun on me. “Fucking. Prick.”

“Don’t take shots at me for no reason.” I answered coldly.

Jayne patted my arm. “Didn’t know I was hitting a nerve, Soyboy. I’ll keep it to a minimum.”

“Keep talking. You strike the surface; I’ll hit your heart.”

She turned to me with an easy, maniacal smile. “We’re friends right now. Don’t make me tear your mind apart.”

“Now’s a great time for an argument and all, but I’d rather rendezvous with my lover.”

“And so would I, to be honest with you. Let’s get the fuck outta here, Dude.”

Jay and I touched knuckles, the bad blood fading away from my veins since I just didn’t want to squabble with her in the first place, and I sensed that Jayne had just been putting up a front and hadn’t really meant her bullshit. Still, she should have kept her mouth shut for the unnecessary bits. Perseus and his two guys lead us out of the Ironclad Castle and we were instructed to return by eight in the morning later on in the day since it was past midnight at this point. We didn’t have much time to sleep, but I did have the time and Magic needed to get Jayne and I into the air and down into one of Bite-Back’s hidey holes so we could get back to base nice and proper. We ended up waiting in the chamber we chose for two of our eight hours, Jayne and I both having fallen asleep at some point until some Cow came to collect us.

Jayne and I were allowed a meal and rest before our debriefing, but I’d already sensed the mood in Bonetown. People were grieving and hearts were heavy, meaning that my Keep-Crashers had most likely been caught and slain. I didn’t like that we’d lost more people than Herodotus had, but we’d finally freed Minosia from his tyranny, and now Jayne was evidently in power and seemed to have the support of the other ruling party, so there was always that. After skipping breakfast to go straight to the debriefing, Jayne and I learned that a portion of Bite-Back had been sold out during the Keep’s bloody massacre and that the Bitches who’d abandoned him and Maud before shit went down at the Castle were already dead for deserting during the most important mission of their relatively insignificant lives. Maud was present at the meeting, but Frieda and Dagger Fall were missing in action, and no one had a single clue as to where they might have gone other than I myself. I planned on heading to the inn Dagger had told me about after making sure that I wouldn’t be followed, but Maud wanted my attention after the meeting and I was happy to give it to her.

We strolled topside with our cloaks on and a decent feeling in our soles since no one that had died had been personal friends of ours or anything, and we managed to get some amazing sandwiches for breakfast, so that was nice. Maud and I never picked up a tail anywhere we went, so we were able to get to the Fly’s Eye with few troubles, if any at all. I mean, the worst part of the walk had to be the fact that I couldn’t look at Maud and her lovely figure during the event, but I still got to spend the time with her and we spoke about some things that lovers should know about each other. I learned that Maud was a little afraid of the dark, liked to sleep with extra pillows just in case she wanted to snuggle one,and she was also particularly fond of pine and the sap that it seeped whenever a fresh tree was cut. She actually enjoyed eating said sap, but Ponies are weird like that.

In turn, I told Maud about my fond memories with Aria and explained the happenings of the past six months as I knew of them on Equis, but there was little that she wasn’t already staying informed on. She mentioned that she’d like to meet Aria face to face some time, and I was a little apprehensive about that since Pinkie’s reaction was one I would’ve expected from Aria, or rather, something of the sort. I didn’t doubt that Aria would give Maud a hard time over not being the right kind of woman for me, but I could hold out hope for the better, so I did and made sure that my Hope-Boner didn’t grow too long, lest someone cut it off. Speaking of Hope-Boners, I took Maud by a smith’s shop and had her pick out a weapon for her own personal use. She chose to have a pair of knuckle-dusters made, which I supported since it meant that they would protect her hands from the evil faces of those she punched. The reason that relates to a Hope-Boner is because I hoped Maud didn’t decide to punch me with her newly-made weapons.

By the time we got to the Fly’s Eye, nothing had happened other than me spotting Frieda trying to get closer to Maud and I from the other side of a thick, though small crowd of Cats. We entered the inn instead of waiting on her outside because it was fucking hot outside, but then again, it was fucking hot in the inn too, so it kinda sucked either way. Frieda collected us as we were getting some fruity drinks that were getting popular in Minosia, so we made her sit her feathery arse down and get a drink with us because I, for one, was fine enough as it was just knowing that Ladesa was safe.

Then I got halfway through the sausage-shriveling drink and wondered if I’d actually gone fully fucking retarded for the six minutes it’d taken me to get through my drink. Ladesa most likely needed one Hell of a shoulder to cry on at the moment and had probably let her Flash Face keep her kosher long enough for her Guildmaster to show up. Guilt panged away at my heart and I bid Maud and Frieda a brief farewell, stating that I was most likely going to be sending Dagger down shortly after I went up to the room they’d rented anyway. Maud needlessly warned me against laying Ladesa, even if she begged me for it, and I made sure to flip her off with both hands and stick my tongue out at her for extra effect before fucking off.

When I went up to the room, Dagger was casually trying to get into Ladesa’s pants because he didn’t think anyone would have a problem with it. Ladesa tried to not have a problem and just get lost in the distraction, but I still waved him out with, “Try to get some another time. Desa and I need to talk.”

He gave me a look. “Can’t it wait like, ten minutes or something?”

“I wasn’t asking, but I am now. Please?”

Dagger tried to puzzle that one out. “... Does that mean-”

“It means get the fuck out already.” I interjected drily.

“Smartass.”

“You opened the door. This is rather serious though. Again; come back another time.”

He looked to Ladesa with a hopeful smile, but she was staring at me, barely keeping her mask on. “Um… Desa? You want me-”

“Dagger, you’re appreciated and… Well, ‘appreciated’ is adequate. Most moments are good moments, but this is not a good moment. Catch my drift?”

“C’mon, I’m Counting Crew! You can’t keep cutting me out of-”

Ladesa smacked him before I could catch her. “Get out!” I snapped at Dagger, lunging forward to grab my Guildee’s wrists before she could start doing real damage.

While Dagger was in the process of getting the fuck out of the danger zone, I was busy getting slapped around by Ladesa because I’d been too nice to just shove Dagger Fall’s dumb arse out of the way. By the time my Magic managed to steal her breath from her and rend her strength from her limbs, I was in worse shape than I’d been in, that’s for fucking sure. I could barely hold my arms over my head, battered down to my knees, left groggy and bereft of a clear thought until Ladesa clung to me with what little strength she had left. After flooding the room with fresh air, we both gasped and panted, though she was desperate for a breath period and I was aching for some inhalations that didn’t feel like I had a broken rib. She got what she wanted and I had to do without for the time being, but no one ever said being a Guildmaster was easy, after all. Hell, Desmond loved bitching about keeping everyone in line every chance he got, and as I wiped some of either Ladesa’s blood or my own off of my face, I was pretty damn sure why.

Once I managed to gather enough strength to get to my feet, I somehow managed to drag Ladesa’s sobbing, seizure-like tremoring arse to her feet and get her back to her bed so I could hold her to my chest and stroke the surprisingly soft, pell-mell strands of her hair back into some manner of order while softly whispering comforting assurances to her while listening to the Hatter hooks she was babbling, though they were mostly just gruesome recreations of what she’d heard during the last moments of nearly a thousand people, I’d wager. It’d taken me far too long to realize that she’d been crying in different cadences, using different intonations for some of her moans and whimpers that just didn’t fall within what I thought sounded like her vocal range. As Dissida’s Emissary-In-Training, I’d been taught how to make people mute themselves by straining their voices from one end of the spectrum to another, and Ladesa’s mooing struck me as a little odd. She gripped my armour for dear life as more and more disturbingly accurate facsimiles of pained, animalistic squawks, screeches, yowls, howls, whinnies, moos, bleats: Everything. Everything that had a voice on Equis was represented in Ladesa’s Lamentation, which was just…

{So you heard everything she heard in the prison before shit went down. Never told me that.}

[...]

I never wanted to. Jayne, there’s a lotta shit we haven’t told each other. We’ll find out more as we keep talking, no?

{When do we stop talking?}

[When I say so. Keep going.]

Grief and relief battled in my heart, trying to break each other’s spirit’s as they tried to decide whether my heart was breaking for my little firebrand or if it was just glad that I technically still had my piece on the grand board in this mad, mad mission I had. A piece of me was beyond happy that Ladesa had survived the massacre, but that same part of me wondered at what cost my victory had come. The longer I held the broken soul that had once been a Spitfyre like no other, ready to snatch and dash at a moment’s notice, the more…

{... Don’t make me shoot you, man.}

[Oh, shut up. It’s cute when he transforms!]

{... Yeah, thanks for turning back.}

The longer I stayed in contact with Ladesa, the longer I felt her heart and mind throb, pulsing with shards of obsidian and flint digging their way ever deeper into her being, the more I bartered with Dissida. When she flat out refused to give me what I want since it was a conflict of interest, I was furious. There… Knowing that nothing I could do, nothing I could say, nothing that would just help her… It was like watching Aria die all over again. Yes, I enslaved Ladesa, but there was no point at which it was supposed to be long-term. She’d visited me after I’d enslaved Dissida and we’d set up the whole damn plan just between the two of us, but without her in a decent state, there were going to be amendments and adjustments abound, and none of them were going to be one-off, ineffectual alterations. Ladesa was supposed to help me get my Guild up and running, and now that she was a little more than down for the count, it seemed unlikely that my plans were going to go anywhere fast without my direct influence.

I honestly couldn't be all that happy that Ladesa had made it through her stint in Odysseus’ little circle of Hell since she’d come out of it with quite a few mental scars out of the ordeal, and by the time I realized that Maud, Frieda, and Dagger were all in the room, three hours had passed and Ladesa was still a mess beyond repair at the moment. I just held onto her a little tighter for a moment before letting go, making her pull away from me and give a hoarse groan just before she keeled over, out like a light. Thankfully she still wasn’t dead, but I didn’t exactly feel any better because of it. Sometimes death is a mercy, and it certainly felt like Ladesa deserved a spoonful, just not from me.

“... That was pretty horrifying.” Frieda said softly.

I nodded at her.

She rubbed her arm and looked at Ladesa. “... She was holding it together pretty well when she woke up…”

“She was a Varas. It would’ve been shameful if she broke down before her Guildmaster showed up for the debriefing.” I answered tonelessly.

“... And you decided to sit down and grab a drink?” Frieda asked, taking a tone she’d never taken with me before.

“... I didn’t want to remember the Keep.” I answered, daring her to object as I lifted my chin. “You want the guy with the arrow in his leg to hobble over to the girl with a gash in her gut as soon as possible, but we both needed time to get it together.”

The heat in her gaze cooled slightly, but then she carried on with, “So what? She was there for days and you were there for maybe an hour.”

“Ladesa was trapped in her cell when I found her. She didn’t see any of the things I saw. She didn’t get the full experience. She heard and smelled the carnage as it was happening, but I saw the results.” I shot back, my tone chilling rapidly.

“After what you did to Odysseus? Seriously?”

“Odysseus was the one killing everyone.”

“... Oh.” She said softly.

Dagger coughed. “... Please tell me you re-killed him.”

“I set him on fire in a sea of flaming blood. He was still kicking the last time I saw him. That was after shooting him in the face with an arrow that could have ruined a person-sized tree.”

“Aww fuck!” Frieda squawked. “How are we supposed to handle a guy that’s faster than a Cat and stronger than just about any Bull while he’s a super Zombie!?”

“I know a gal who can help, if Odie is even still moving anymore.” I said. “Jay is going by Mari Jayne or some shit right now, so Jayne can probably put Odie down if I can’t. That little hand-cannon of hers is nasty.”

“I am like a cannon.” Maud said drolly.

“You’re my favorite cannon. And the prettiest.” I replied, giving her a subtle nod. “As for the plan, we need to get Ladesa back to Equestria so we can find someone to help her heal her mind. That’s my first priority right now.”

“... So what about Odysseus?” Frieda asked slowly.

“Hope he’s dead or get Jayne to kill him for you. Ladesa is blood. She needs my attention. There’s nothing else to it.”

“What if I needed your attention?” Maud asked, tilting her head slightly.

“Then I would find someone I trust to leave Ladesa with for however long it took for us to do your thing, depending on how time-sensitive it is.” I answered, knowing that Maud most likely wouldn’t bother me for anything unimportant.

The Maud Nod occurred and I looked at Frieda. “How attached are you to Minosia?”

“I’m not going to Equestria, if that’s what you’re asking.” She answered flatly.

I shook my head. “I don’t need you to recruit for my Guild where I’ll be recruiting.”

She blinked twice before the corners of her beak raised into an evil little grin and she folded her talons. “So Operation: Counting Crew is officially over?”

I nodded and there were muted, mildly reserved cheers from Dagger and Frieda and a few soft claps from Maud. “Yay.” She breathed.

If I wasn’t in a considerable amount of pain, I might have found it even cuter than I already did. “That was adorable, but that does mean that Operation: Biting Wind is now underway, and I need to be in Equestria to get it started.” I rubbed my side and winced, getting off of the bed.

Maud and Frieda had been sitting, so they stood too. “I can carry Ladesa if you are unable.” My Flame stated.

“Yeah, I’m going to be on light duty for a bit. Ladesa hits too fucking hard.”

“She hit you?”

“She had a mental breakdown because Dagger wouldn’t get the fuck out of her face.” I said flatly.

He coloured as the other two women in the room turned to look at him. “I-I didn’t know anything was wrong! I thought we were just talking!”

They rolled their eyes and Maud came over to pick Ladesa up, being extra careful with her as per my request. My Guild Sister coughed a few times in her ‘sleep’, sounding weak and unfortunately ill as Maud carried her out of the inn an into the direct heat of the Sun, but Ladesa was shivering while we were outside, which worried me even more. I didn’t like seeing a Varas on her sickbed, waiting to die, and I doubted that Desmond would have been proud of me in the moment. Even though I’d done everything exactly as he’d taught me, I’d just been too late to save Ladesa completely, and the only thing I had to show for my efforts was the pitiful shell of a woman who couldn’t stop shaking to save her life, let alone get a spoonful of soup anywhere near her mouth.

Getting back to Bonetown was no trouble at all since people gave us a wide berth, assuming that we were transporting a sick person since we technically were, but the person who was manning the entrance to our destination was slow in getting the door for us. We couldn’t open it from our side, so I laid the fuck into the Bull who’d started to grumble about being interrupted in the middle of something unimportant because if Ladesa had been wounded, she very easily could have died before he got the damn door. Even while injured, the adrenaline that was surging through my veins at that point earned that Minotaur a personal tutoring session with Douglerina on the finer points of being a responsible doorman for his organization until Frieda and Dagger got me away from him. In fairness, I’d done my shouting and whacking at the same time, so there was no extra time wasted in getting Ladesa to the Sick Bay and me to Maud’s quarters.

I collected my gear and started heading off in the general direction of the Smithing quarters since I figured Jayne would just go back to doing what she’d been doing, and lo’ and behold! I was wrong for once, but it didn't take me long to find out that Jayne was eating in the cafeteria. However, by the time I got there, she was already said to have retired to her room, so, with little else to do and a great desire to go get patched up in a country where the job would get done right, I managed to get to Jay’s room on what little energy I had and let myself in because fuck knocking. You want to pick up from here?

{I can if you want.}

Please?

₪ღ✮ღ₪

So after Garrison and I parted ways from the shitfest that was the Ironclad Castle in the Catacombs, I spent four hours in the fucking sick-bay because of blood loss and the wounds I’d gotten from taking on Herodotus. Not that I’m any kind of proud of it, but I was a fucking handful while they were patching me up in the Sick bay, and it’s not really because I wanted to be. The runes I’d carved into myself in preparation for the fight had all pulled at least double-duty, meaning that the scars had sank into my flesh and ruined the nerves beneath. The runes that had helped me ignore the pain and keep fighting long enough to make it out alive were alive and well again, and agony was the wrong word for it. Blood flowed freely and I had to be strapped down once I let my runes fade away so that the backlash wouldn’t be any worse, but I was alive and I was… Alive. That was about as good as it got. It wasn’t the worst pain I’d ever felt, but still. By the time I was patched up and my nerves were normalized, I’d sweat through my clothes, soaked the bed, and was gasping for breath, but then again, it could have been a week-long torment instead of a few hours, so there’s always that.

Once I got a grip and had a bathroom break, I was in the Mess Hall eating everything. I had three full loaves of bread gone in under ten minutes, a medium-sized pot of vegetable soup, some sausage that was leftover from breakfast, and half a chocolate cream pie. Most of it was burnt straight into raw Mana that soothed my nerves and replenished my reserves without making me dip into my supply, which was a really nice thing. However, I had a lot of people staring at me for some reason or another. When I actually kinda started giving a shit about it, the peeps started clapping one by one like it was some cheesy ass movie or something, so I started looking around like they’d all lost their damn minds when they started hooping and fucking hollering for no discernible fucking reason.

And then I remembered that I just killed the guy that’s been subjugating them and making their lives a living Hell for some time.

My face flushed bright red and I really wished I could fuckin’ teleport or something. Being the center of attention was always Ty’s thing; not mine. I like getting praise for doing a good job and all, but I don’t need a fucking cafeteria full of people on their feet, cheering me on like I hadn’t just accidentally killed at least five relatively innocent people by summoning the Saint of Sin. Instead of being ostentatious or some shit, I decided that a wave would be good and cleaned up after myself, but people started walking up to me left and right, congratulating me on both my victory and my feast. One of those was a little bit more pride-worthy than the other to say the least, but I honestly took more joy in being able to down vast amounts of food than I did in killing Herodotus. There was more pride in the fight, but the fun in the food was unmistakable, and if I can’t have Fluttershy’s cooking, then I’d rather have a lot of it. Quality over quantity and all that.

Once I was done with my shit, I went back to my room and barely had two seconds to think about getting changed before heading back to the castle when Garrison decided that privacy was a thing of the past and nearly ran into me. “Shite, nearly didn’t see you there,” he hissed.

I’d seen him coming through the door by glimpsing into the future, but I hadn’t expected his timing to be so perfect. “Suh, Dude? You ‘bout ready to head back to the castle or nah?”

“Change of plans. Ladesa’s down for the count and we need to get her back to Equestria to see a real, competent doctor that might actually know what’s wrong with her.”

I raised a brow. “What happened?”

“... Some pretty bad psychological torture and smoke inhalation. It was burning flesh and blood, so I doubt she’ll be okay for much longer, despite being a Demi-goddess.”

My frown mirrored Garrison’s. “Then take care of you and yours, Bruhman. I gotta handle this Minosia business, and I need your ass back here ASAP like that old muhfucker Rocky.”

“Fucking-” Garrison made a frustrated noise and started pacing, making me fold my arms and look at him.

“Thoughts?”

“I’m trying. I can’t leave you here alone, but I don’t have a way of getting a letter to Celestia so she can ship Aria here to heal Ladesa, not that she’d even do it. Amelemme is notorious for disliking Demi-Gods in the fucking first place, so she’s not helping… Fuck.” He spat.

“Ay, you trust Maud with your life, don’t you? Ask her.”

“She’s not here for our mission, Jay-”

“Call me Jayne.” I corrected, my ass too tight to be raped.

“Oh, Mari Jayne. Right. Maud’s here on her own business. She’s not slated to make an early trip to Equestria.”

Digging through my memory, I found one that was slightly tangy. ”Don’t you know a medic who’d suck your dick for a scoop of the dirt you walked on?”

His eyes snapped open and he sprinted out of my room like he’d heard the call of pussy and he was a thirteen year-old boy with unlimited internet access, which was fine by me. Not like I wanted back up while going into the formerly evil castle or anything. IT was all good as I got undressed and re-dressed in some decent looking clothes that were too feminine for my tastes, meaning that I still kinda looked masculine with my attire, but not enough to make me ignore the fact that my thighs no longer cupped anything when I sat down. Getting used to being a woman was kicking my ass- No, wait, it was fucking my ass with no lube and the other part of the thing that was me that was supposed to either support me or shut the fuck up and die just kept making life worse for me. I don’t even want to talk about the fucking cramps, man. Of all possible times, of all possible things, I had to have my fucking period out of the blue, though I did connect the dots on why I’d been feeling so tired lately and got a little more pissed at that. However, ya gal ain’t no dumbass, so I did what any Super Sane Rune ‘Master’ would do: I wrote out a celtic knot in Tweek-Speeke, lined the little bastard in Sola-Festus, and basically gave myself a reversible hysterectomy through magic. The relief was instant, but the bleeding kept on going, though it’s not like I was terribly worried about it. After cramming a bunch of toilet paper in my drawers, I fucked off and had someone show me how to get topside.

Knowing that I’d basically made her sterile made Mari lose her fucking mind and start trying to take over the body so she could grieve while I was walking, but I just laughed and carried on about my day after asking, “Was it worth it?”

Her response was, “... You couldn’t just deal with it?”

“Tch, if I don’t have to, why should I? This isn’t me. I’ll be ditching this Shell as soon as I can.”

“If it’s not you-”

“Because you were making my life Hell in my head and it’s bad enough as it is, Mariana. I didn’t and don’t need you tormenting me at every turn for something I have no control over.” I got some weird looks for talking to myself, but that just gave people a reason to stay away from me, so that was nice.

“It- I- You… Just… We’re not even a woman anymore…”

“Never wanted to be one in the first place. It’s a little liberatin’, actually. I certainly feel better.”

“If I could die, I would.” She thought at me tonelessly.

“Same boat, no paddles. Are you gonna keep fuckin’ with me? ‘Cause I can put more holes in your side of the boat too.”

“I get it, Jayne.”

“Ay, at least we’re clear.” I shrugged and kept it movin’.

Making it to the castle was easy, getting through the gates was easy, and getting to the War Room was as simple as following a voluptuous Cow with hips for days, an ass that made her tail go almost horizontal, and a chest that I was sure even the weird fuckers that were into inflation might have trouble handling. The woman was definitely stacked from front to back, and that’s not even mentioning the pretty brown eyes she had. Other than that, she looked like a cow that walked on two legs, so I wasn’t trying to think too hard about her, just in case some bovine bullshit popped off in the future. I didn’t remember what my dick felt like, but I imagined that it’d be pretty nice to use it again.

And then I walked into the servant I was supposed to be following because I’d been spaced the fuck out and starting straight ahead. I managed to somehow ignore the feeling of her mounds on the top of my head because I’d walked into her solar plexus. Backing up and pretending like it didn’t happen seemed like something a Queen would do, so I did that. “Are you up for a challenge?”

The cow had been giving me a mildly amused look until then, her smile turning to a look of concern at my question. “Y-Your Grace?”

“Call me Q Jayne.”

“Q… Jayne?” She repeated slowly.

“Sounds like what I said, so I think you’ve got it.” I gave her a little smirk and a wink.

She actually blushed. “Oh- Oh. Oh. Um… Yes, Q Jayne.”

I grimaced. “Eh, now it sounds kinda stupid.”

“I-I’m sorry, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend you-”

“What? No, I said it sounded stupid, why would you be in trouble? Besides, I’m not that much of a hardass, just don’t get carried away with the bullshittin’ and it’s all good, y’know?”

She stared at me.

“What’s your name anyway?”

“Bellony.” She answered blankly.

I let my face screw up before I started giggling at her. “Did you just say bologna?”

“B-E-L-L-O-N-Y” The blushing cow replied quietly.

“Ah, fuck, that’s a great, great name. I’m promoting you to my personal maid or whatever; you’re fun.”

She gave me an awkward smile and curtsied. “Thank you, Mistress. I deeply appreciate the honor.”

Bellony was still taller than me while halfway bent over, so I walked up under her and booped her. She stood back up and I got another chuckle out of that. “Alright, I’m gonna try and get serious here.” I clapped a hand over my smile and before dropping it to reveal a straight line of sexy-ass lips. “Ight, what are we doing?”

Bellony pointed toward the door to her left with her right hand. “That’s the War Room, and-”

I forestalled her with a hand. “Just gotta jog the memory, Bell. We’re back in action. You’re coming in too, right?”

“I-If you want?” She said, obviously surprised.

I shrugged. “It’s up to you. Grab a snack and something to drink, come back, and wait for me to come grab you if you don’t feel like coming in.”

Bellony closed her eyes and huffed out a few chuckles, “You are so not royalty.”

“Hey, Celestia’s actually supposed to be pretty cool, and Twilight Sparkle’s a real sweetheart. Fuck Celestia, though. and I might get the chance to fuck Twilight.”

She chuckled some more and gave me a smile. “I have a funny feeling that you’re going to have a hard time of it, but I’ll make sure that the staff knows what kind of person is leading the charge.”

I cracked a smile at that and gave her a nod. “Thanks. Off to work I go, right?”

“Don't let the blatant sexism get to you.” Bell gave me one last smile tinged with a bit of sympathy before heading off to go do what I’d told her to do.

Without having redone any of my runes, it was actually a little hard to open the damn door to the War Room, but I refused to make it look anything less than effortless. What I wanted and what happened were two different things, but the fact that I was pissed at the door for being so damned heavy evidently made some of the old fucks in the room wary of me. I looked around and counted six heads, all Bulls, and immediately knew where I was going to start making changes.

The second bull to my left started to stand up and open his mouth, but I pointed at him. “Unless you’re telling me that I’m more handsome than any man you’ve seen, then you’re going to say something along the lines of ‘Being tardy for your first meeting shows little promise for the future, especially with the legitimacy disputes already occurring over your incumbency.’. That being said, if you were literally going to say that, then I’d sit down, shut up, and save my breath breath because I’m old and I need to save as many as I can. If I were you, that is.”

The old man sat down wide-eyed. “... Yes, My Lady.”

I rolled my eyes and hopped onto the table, walking across it to go to where I was evidently supposed to sit. Sadly, the seat that was there was meant for a man who was at least three feet taller than me and probably four times my weight, so I took a knee instead of sitting and looked around the table. “Alright. Let’s get one thing straight: Our main priority is making sure we don't seem weak because of recent events. I’ll be fighting fit by this time tomorrow, and I’ve got a lot of the former Fuckhead’s enemies as my friends, so we’ve got that going for us.”

“My Lady-” A tan Bull started.

“We’re in the War Room. If we need to make where we stand clear, we certainly can, but I’m sure everyone in this room is well aware of the fact that the first person who makes a move towards the daggers you conspired to bring in here dies.” I looked at many paling faces and smirked. “Put ‘em on the table.”

No one moved.

I whistled a catchy tune for a few seconds before sticking my fingers in my mouth and whistling twice. The first was a high, shrill whistle that had the Bulls rubbing their ears and the second was a low one that brought Okthus to my side. The sight of the Unholy Bastard had the fuckers scrambling from their seats, but having two of my furies on each of their shoulders and one left over to guard the door meant that they were going nowhere fast.

“Do I need to say it again?” Seven daggers of various lengths and general intrigue hit the table at damn near the same time before the eighth one fell from the Bull who was closest to me on my right. I raised a brow at him. “Anything else you want to share?”

He glared at me and kept his mouth shut, which pissed Okthus off. “Oi! Master ask question!”

I would’ve patted my slave’s arm if it wasn’t covered in diseased blood, barbed wire, steel briars. And didn’t currently happen to be rotting. “Hey Big Fella, no need to get upset. You should be happy!”

Okthus made his thinking face because nigga’s dumb. “Why Okthus be happy?”

“Glad you asked, Bud.” I pointed at my would-be assassin. “That one’s yours.”

Okthus followed my finger and pointed for himself. “But… We no know him.”

“No, but he was the guy behind this little plot, and I was planning on making an example of the last person to drop their shit anyway, so if you would be so kind.” I gave my handicapable Demon a smile.

He raised his hand, so I nodded and he followed up by asking, “Master want Okthus do here?”

“Eeyup.” I winked at him. “You can perform in front of an audience, right?”

“Okthus not used to no screams.” He pouted.

I gave him a look. “Then stick your head in the Nether and pop back in to see what you’re doing every couple of minutes.”

“This is madness!” One particularly old cuck wheezed.

I glanced at him and snapped my fingers, some unnamed Fury’s tail wrapping around his neck. “Shut it.” I looked back to Okthus. “You have your orders.”

He smiled his horrific, putrid smile at me. “Okthus thank Master! Master give Okthus big toy!”

“Sure did, champ.” I said boredly as Bastardo Retardo went to claim his prize.

After passing along some casual orders to the free-standing Fury, I exited the War Room and waited thirty minutes for Bellony to show back up with a small basket in hand with a metal container in the other. “Ah, brought some for the trip?”

She smiled at me some more. “I might have snuck one or two, but these are for you, Lady Jayne.” She flipped the cloth the was covering the basket over to reveal some super delicious looking muffins.

I almost reached for one before I asked, “May I?”

Bell giggled and her cheeks pinked up slightly. “Lady Jayne! You’re the current Queen! Your asking days are over.”

The disapproving look I gave her put a decent amount of befuddlement on her face. “I ask because I remember where I came from, Bell. Ain’t no royalty back where I’m from, but there were high-and-mighty types all the same, and I never did like ‘em. Don’t wanna act like ‘em either.”

Bell was just the smiley type, apparently. “Definitely not born royal.”

I grabbed a muffin and tried it before saying, “First off, this muffin is fuckin’ fantastic. Second, I gotta go take care of something real quick, so cover your ears until I close the War Room again, ight?”

She gave me a concerned look and glanced toward the War Room. “... You didn’t… Did you?”

“Uh, I hope not.” I said, rubbing my neck. “It’s more up to them than it is to me if they die right now, but bending people to my will isn’t really my style. I like winning people over.”

“... I shouldn’t ask, should I?”

“Probably not.” I shot her a wink. “Hands on ears, if you don’t mind.”

She let the basket rest in the crook of her arm and passed me the container. “I didn’t know what you’d want to drink, so I just brought lotus tea. Is that okay?”

“Perfectly fine. Thank you, Bellony.”

“Anytime, Lady Jayne.”

“That really does sound better than Q Jayne. We’re gonna stick with that one for a bit.”

She nodded and covered her ears as I’d asked, so I went into the War Room to find that Okthus was making his audience wish they were anywhere else other than watching their ’leader’ get assraped by a Demon. I figured that they got the point after forty-five minutes of watching, so I had Okthus drag the bastard off into the Nether, which I couldn’t have done to Herodotus because of his status as a Necrotic Mage/Lich King. It would’ve saved me a lot of fucking trouble, but it was what it was, and now I had to refill my cabinet because almost all of Herodotus’ people were scrabling to get out of the room and have nothing further to do with me, so I had my Furies use their limited amounts of Magic (Supplemented by my own) to turn the targets that were trying to run me over invisible. After that, I ordered them to let the old fucks get as far away as they wanted before the order to drag them into the Nether was supposed to be taken into effect. The events of the War Room were meant to stay a secret, and the only two Bulls who’d stayed after the fact both swore undying loyalty to me for the sake of mercy in the face of their betrayal. I assured them that a Blood Pact would be fine, and after I drew up the mini-circle and had us all splash a couple drops of blood in the middle, I had two Minotaurs that were bound by their very bodies to come to my aid whenever I needed them to.

Midas, a blonde Bull with long, curved horns and a shaggier coat than most Bulls, probably didn’t need the Pact to ensure his loyalty since he’d been the first one to drop his dull, nearly useless dagger first. He was more loyal to the throne and just wanted to see Minosia thrive, which was what I wanted for the time being since it was looking like Lujei had meant for exactly this to happen. If I defied her plans as I was sure they stood, I was pretty sure I was going to pay for it, kind of like how I was sure that the other Bull, a splotchy brown one, was piss-pants-petrified of the Hill-Topper in front of him.

After the pact was sealed, I told them that we were going to start filling the positions of General, Steward, Head Knight, Head of Staff, Weather Control Manger, and Crown Bitch since they already possessed the titles of ‘Archmage’ and Archiver respectively. The blonde Bull, Midas, was loyal to his country rather than whomsoever sat on the throne, so all I had to do to keep his loyalty was try not to fuck the country over, while the splotchy Bull, Theseus, was mostly just there to make sure that the history was written down as it was supposed to be. However, I got to say what he wrote down, and I got to double check it for any hidden meanings. The basic start of my rule as the Queen was going down as such:

To date, the Queen of Minosia succeeding the former Lich King Herodotus was achieved through direct combat through which she won, finding her opponent worthy of using the majority of her strength. However, her incumbency began in bloodshed and the former cabinet, pared down to only those loyal to Minosia, the Fatherland itself rather than the former King, prepared to shed hers in turn. Through ingenuity, observation, and a dash of luck, Queen Mariana Jayne was able to banish her naysayers with her Magic before blood could be shed, though the former Head Knight, Hector, the mastermind behind the first assassination plot of Queen Mariana, was slain by the Queen herself in a deceptively calm manner before being beheaded and having his corpse sent to Tartarus to rot where the undead would claim the last vestiges of his life.

It was perfect to me, so I had Theseus add it to my new history and started my reign as Queen by having my Archmage start looking for a Weather Control guy and my Archiver start finding people that were trained enough to actually be decent at any of the jobs I needed them to do. Midas asked to trade jobs with Theseus, given that I’d given the young Archiver a task he’d have more trouble with than the middle-aged Archmage. I had no problem switching their assignments since Midas most likely knew more people and the Archiver should’ve been bright enough to find a flying person with some weather experience in our current team, but that still left me with a certain amount of bullshit that I had to personally take care of, and Bellony, the woman who was already my lady-in-waiting before I’d given her the title knew what my next order of business was, and that was making an announcement to the people of Minosia before taking on some challengers as a show of strength.

When she told me that I was going to have to physically fight all of the people who were willing to take the throne, I asked her if I could have a bathroom break and she just gave me a strange look before leading me to one, giving me plenty of time to carve myself up like a Thanksgiving Turkey so I wouldn’t get myself killed. Boosting myself with the Magic from the Blood Ring was more than enough to make me as strong as a B+ Rank Mundusian-

{What the bloody Hell is a Mundusian, anyway?}

They’re like Earth Ponies, but Human. Mundusians are Earth Ponies, Icarians were Pegasi, and Medeis, like me, were Unicorns.

[Oh, that’s pretty cool.]

Right? Anyway, I figured that most Minotaurs would be stronger than an average DD Rank Mundusian, but without a baseline, I couldn't say for sure. That being said, upping my strength wasn’t the only thing I did. No, while I could probably break a cinder block with my grip, I wasn’t fast enough to do what I wanted yet, so I burned twice as much Magic and cut the runes down deep to make them stick so I’d be as fast as an A- Rank Icarian. It was an interesting combination to be sure, so I had to come up with another rune to suppress the shit until I actually needed it to work. I gave my new abilities a test drive in the bathroom, but with the limited space, I was bouncing off of the walls and almost getting myself hurt. Another strengthening rune for my bones meant that the Blood Ring had about two fifths of the Magic I’d originally put in it left, but it was well worth the expenditure since the runes were relatively durable, already came charged, and I wasn’t going to die because of them.

Y’know. With luck.

With a sigh, I cleaned up the blood I’d spilled with the Blood Ring and got some of my Magic back, but not a particularly noteworthy amount for someone who can spend the same amount in a single rune. Still, it was like being able to melt down gold shavings to make a small earring, so it was definitely worth the negligible little moment it took to suck it all up and unstain my clothes. After a sxplit second, I realizede thaTt I could poiur the blood I’d collected from the massacre the day before into the Blood Ring, but there was only so much Mana to be extracted from the tainted substance. When I came out of the restroom, Bellony asked me if I was feeling okay and I told her that I’d just mentally prepared myself for the ass whoopin’s I was going to pass out like caramel apples at the Apple Family Jamboree.

While we were walking to the Courtroom, Bellony asked, “So… You’re going to forego the challenges, right?”

I looked at her and snorted. “I told you like, two minutes ago that I was going to be wrecking ass.”

“Lady Jayne… Can I be honest with you for a moment?”

“‘You’re going to get yourself more than just hurt if you fight all the Bulls that refuse to be lead by a woman, and I don’t mean that in any disrespectful way, but I truly don’t want to see you hurt for doing this country the biggest favor it’s ever had.’.” I gave her a little chuckle and replied to myself. “No, Bell, I’m going to fuck up the first couple so bad the rest just stop. If I get tired, I’ll have my champion take over.”

She stared at me and walked into a vase because she was also slowly walking away from me. The thing wobbled, but it didn’t fall as she absently snatched it and adjusted it back to its previous position. “... How did you guess what I was going to say?”

“Would you believe me if I said that I just looked into the future and paid attention?”

“Yes.” Bellony nodded, dead serious.

“Someone’s seen their fair share.” I chuckled.

“Living in the Ironclad Castle and having a father who worked in the Ironclad Keep before… Before things got worse for Minosia a while ago. Those gave a Cow a good idea of what the world really has to offer.”

“Did you see the yellow light?”

She shook her head. “No, Ma’am.”

“Good.” I muttered darkly. “I assume you’ve met a few beings who know more than they should?”

“... I was the King’s favorite plaything.” She said ruefully.

“So he kept tabs on you.” I surmised.

She gave me a sidelong look of distaste. “The only thing that Buckbrain kept on me were his hands, but I’m glad that’s it.”

“Ah, so you just had the ‘pleasure’ of sticking with him while he was being evil.”

“Pretty much.” she said drily, just before sighing. “There were a few of his undead Lieutenants that Queen Hermione sent over that liked to make me uncomfortable by saying true stuff that no one should have known.”

“I’d ask about the things, but they make you uncomfortable, so we’re skipping them for the time being. However, I do gotta ask about whatever the fuck it is I’m supposed to say at this meeting.”

“Wing it hard and drop their jaws?” Bell suggested.

“Not really my style to be honest with you, but never let it be said that Jayne can’t do
improv” I snorted.

Bell bounced her hip off of my upper arm, almost making me stumble because I wasn’t checking the future out at the moment. I gave her a look before facepalming, realizing that I could have avoided a lot of fucking trouble if I’d just peeped the fight with Herodotus as it was happening, but then Lujei whispered, ‘It wouldn’t have been worth it’ and I was inclined to believe her since she tends to be the one doling out the punishments. Then she said, ‘I would’ve given you to your little slave if you’d tried to use him~’ just to fuck with me even harder and Mari just sighed, not able to find joy in my fear for once.

“- right?” Bell said, snapping me out of my mini-reverie.

“Do what? Sorry, Bellony, got caught up in the past.”

“It has been a wild twenty-four hours for you, hasn’t it? Fighting for your life against the strongest Minotaur in Minosia, winning, and then learning that you’ve inherited all but his family.” She chuckled sadly. “I’m afraid I was just going on about how things weren’t always this bad in Minosia. Nothing worth repeating.”

I shrugged. “It’s your time to spend as you see fit, though I do hope that I can make Minosia a better place for people to just live, y’know? Not my country or anything, but I know I’d prefer it if I could get the wealth rebalanced and the corruption under control.”

“You say that like it’s going to be easy.” Bell said worriedly.

I smirked at her. “What, you’ve no faith in dear old Lady Jayne?”

She returned my smile with a worried one of her own. “I have a feeling that things are going to get really messy.”

I shrugged. “Depends on how hard I have to push to make people fall in line.”

“... I wish you the best of luck. I really do.”

“Thanks.” I grabbed another muffin from the basket and ate the room-temperature marvel as we went along.

When we got to the spartan, stony Courtroom, Bell whispered for me to go and sit on the throne, so I decided to see just what all I could do with my new strength and speed. My light jog carried me much faster than I’d expected it to, so, I was weaving through the crowd on my way to the throne, juking and jiving like I hadn’t been fat in high school and had to play lineman. Instead, I managed to get through the crowd easily enough and jumped the four meters up to the throne itself, nearly overshooting my target. I ended up landing on an armrest that could have been a decent bench for some of the Mares and Mollies I’d seen in Bonetown. I hopped down and the fuckers were as high as my waist, so I chose to stand in the seat rather than sit in it.

“Yo! Whassup?” I called out to the murmuring crowd. “Unless you’re retarded, then you know why you’re here, so shut the fuck up while I’m talking!”

The crowd shut the fuck up.

“Good. Now, I ain’t tryna be here all damn day because apparently I got some dumb fucks who think they’re just gonna walk up to me and beat meat until I find defeat. Imma tell ya now that I don’t give two shits about the rules of the contest beyond the ones that keep the fight fair. You’re either with me, or you’re against me, and I will. Not. Hesitate. Herodotus ground the people of this country into the dirt and spit on y’all while laughin’ all the fuckin’ while, an’ I ain’t the fuckin’ one, yeah? I don’t get off on people suffering which is why you might have noticed that the curse keeping all of you in Grey Grotto is gone.” The rooms started filling with cries of dissent and outrage, so I raised a hand, but people kept going until I whistled for the Furies. “Alright. Next person who forgets to shut the fuck up while I’m talking is getting thrown out of that window,” I pointed at a stained glass masterpiece, “and will be paying for it out of their own pocket, which will be called the Retard Tax. Any objections...? No? None...? Okay then; let’s carry on. The main point of this little meeting is for me to say that I want this country to thrive and grow. More jobs, boost the economy, stomp out the barbaric ritual of eating other sentient creatures, and purge the corruption from the Court. Under my wing, Minosia will become the political powerhouse it deserves to be, so get with the program or get out of my Goddamn country, capisce?”

The crowd didn't say a word since there were Demons flying over their heads, waiting for someone to make a peep while I calmly judged the reactions I’d earned. Most people seemed either displeased in some form or fashion while the minority actually seemed scared of me, which was my point. Sadly, being like, five feet tall and maybe a buck-twenty with Bunker Buster in my pocket meant that I wasn’t exactly going to be known for my intimidation tactics. That little fact got driven home by a big, burly looking bull with a nose-ring stepping onto the dais and spitting up at the throne, to which I raised a brow.

“You are no Queen, and you will not rule Minosia! This land has been owned by Minotaurs and is for Minotaurs, as it always has been!”

I smirked. “If I challenge you, do you get to set the terms?”

He snorted like a typical bull and popped his neck. “You don’t even know of our customs, yet you expect us to accept you?”

“No, I expect people like you to defy me so I can make examples out of you before I start leading how I actually want to.” I said boredly. “I’m not your late King: I don’t get joy out of hurting people. I just do it because dumb fucks like you make me do shit I don’t want to do, so do you want to hurry up and get killed by these,” I did some sick jazz hands, “Or are you gonna make a little lady strain herself and get down from here?”

He mooed loudly and started charging up the steps, which was a mistake for multiple reasons. For one, steel shoes and marble steps don’t do the best together, so he was slow getting up the incline. He also happened to be built for slugfests, and thus had an underdeveloped lower body. The uphill battle also didn’t do him any favors, and neither did the fact that I’d effectively Lance Armstrong’ed myself into being like, a shitty version of a Sanguis or an Alicorn. The poor bastard was boned from the moment he’d gotten three steps up, because that meant that he was well within spearing range, so I let my runes do their thing and launched myself at my challenger with everything I had.

I’d aimed at his chest, but had shot forward a lot faster than I’d thought I would, causing me to crash into him shoulder to face. Thankfully he went down, but I was having a hard time judging whether or not I’d made a good choice until we slammed into the ground and I got my hands on his horns. Breaking them off was as easy as snapping a raw carrot, though I hadn’t known that Bulls bled from their horns until I ripped the symbols of his masculinity off of his head and drilled him in the face with punches with the horns in my hands. He threw me off of him easily enough, but I managed to get my footing in time to hear another roar and see the beginning of another charge as dumbass prepared to get what was coming to him for underestimating me.

The charge was faster than before, but that didn’t mean it was any more worrying. In fact, I figured that the best course of action would be to walk slowly until he was nearly upon me and use the increased flexibility I got from being female (Finally found a good thing about having a vaj) to let my knees fold under me so he run right past me. I dropped one of the horns before I did so and used my little trick to grab the Bull’s tail and yank on it with all of my strength, either dislocating it or breaking it shortly before ramming the horn I was still holding into it’s former owner’s spine for him to remove at a later date. His legs crumpled beneath him and a seizure took him as I went to pick up the horn I dropped, the look on his face mortified as he foamed at the mouth, wide-eyed and paralyzed. Since I’m all merciful and shit, I slammed his other horn into the base of his skull and made a few leaps and bounds back to my ‘seat’, though I kinda use the word lightly because it wouldn’t really have been comfortable for me to sit down. Nor would I have been visible.

“Cool, that was pretty quick. Anyone else want a shot?”

No one stepped forward.

“Seriously. Now’s the time. Any and all comers.”

The room was motionless.

“That’s not a bad noise, to be honest. The sound of silence. It means that no one’s thinking of dumb shit, right?” I scanned my people and saw a carbon copy of Herodotus, though slightly smaller, stepping through the crowd with a large sword on his back. “Ah, I see we’ve got a former Prince on the way.”

I hopped down the dais and waited for the fellow to show his face more directly, but when he stepped forward, he took his sword off of his back, held it in both hands, and approached me slowly. Shit was interesting when he kneeled and bowed his head, but it wasn’t enough to make me forget that my life was in mortal peril. All I needed to do was hop out of the way and that guy’s plan got him killed with four arrows, so I snapped and sent my Furies off to collect the Archers before claiming my new sword.

“And now I’m just disappointed. Another assassination attempt? Seriously? Give a gal a chance to make a decision before you try to kill her, geez.” I grumbled. More loudly, I announced, “Alright, if anybody’s left in this room by the time I get tired of people trying to kill me, you’re going to live a very long life in a very bad place that no one can save you from. Go.”

There was a stampede for the door and everyone vacated the room, even the staff that were supposed to be there. Instead of waiting for someone else to see if I was an easy target, I just looked into the future and spotted a few more attempts that wouldn’t get far and figured for myself that getting some Dragon Fire was going to be my top priority for the time being, though having scared off the people that could have gotten it for me was kinda my fault, and that sucked. I shrugged it off and cast a Clairvoyance Spell that didn’t cost too much Mana and was easier to keep up with the MRP in the bridge of my nose. As it turns out, people with true eye MRP’s are actually more rare than people with heart MRP’s, and that’s because the shit lets you do all sorts of crazy shit with your eyes, like that one old anime that was popular back like, twenty years before I was even born… Narotu or something, I think. Fuckin’... Shit don’t matter.

Anyways, I managed to find Bell sitting in a random room, looking rather depressed while I knocked on the open door. “Is now a bad time?”

Bell looked down at me, even though she was sitting on a bed.. “You’re a smiling psychopath.”

“Yeah, I’m platypusshit crazy, but I’m smarter than I am crazy. I also could’ve left the first guy alive, so I consider myself merciful.”

“... How is killing someone-”

“He never would have moved again. Not under his own power. I ruined his spine, which is why he was shaking on the floor. If I didn’t kill him, he would have been a bovine vegetable for all accounts.”

Bellony winced and looked at the ground. “... I guess he ignored your warning…”

“I give everyone a chance, Bell.” I said softly, crossing the room to place a hand on her leg. “I don’t kill indiscriminately, nor do I get anything other than nausea and guilt out of it,” I lied, “but it’s necessary sometimes. I mean, I don’t want to be racist when I say this, but you Minotaurs are a prideful race. I had to show that my pride was equal to or greater than Herodotus’ or I’d look even weaker than I already do.”

She gave me a sad, dewy eyed look that was a little less painful to see because of that little smile. “At least you care enough to try and make excuses.”

“If you consider motivations and excuses the same thing, then yeah, I care enough to explain my motivations.”

“That has a really negative connotation to it in context.” Bell said, frowning a little.

“How so?”

“Being motivated to kill people is pretty bad…”

“... If you kill people with no motivation, that makes you a lot more of a dangerous psychopath than than if you had one. I have no motivation to kill you, so I’m not going to since I’m actually not a monster. If I had one, then I would definitely unalive you, right?”

“Okay, I see where you’re coming from there, but you didn’t have to rip off Adratos’ horns…”

I shrugged. “It was a show of brute strength and dominance. I’m pretty sure that taking a Bull’s horns is kinda like taking his balls, right?”

“I’m pretty sure a lot more Bulls would rather lose those. No one sees those.” Bell said uneasily.

“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I have to fight someone.” I nodded solemnly.

“That’s actually not-”

“A bad idea? Rob them of their masculinity and their pride… Sounds like a bad idea to me.”

“It is!”

I patted her leg again and sighed. “If I was allowed to use Magic or weapons for this type of shit, I could guarantee that people would walk away with their tails tucked between their legs, but alive.”

“You realize that you make the rules now, right?” Bell said carefully.

I gestured for her to come closer with a finger and she leaned down, so I grabbed her face and gave her an Eskimo Kiss because I wanted to know what it’d feel like. It made me smile, so I let her go and gave her the smile she’d brought out in me. “I sure do, don’t I? Fuck, here I’ve been thinkin’ a’ shakin’ shit up, but I haven’t even thought to stack the deck in my favor! You’re brilliant, Mooman!”

She gave me an awkward, mildly amused smile. “So you’re going to cull the killing?”

“Sure will. Now I’m just gonna shoot muhfuckers in the leg.”

“... Not the direction I was aiming for, but it’s definitely a step up from what you did to Adrastos.”

“Was he important or something?” I asked a little irritably.

“He was one of the most respected soldiers in The Guard because he never backed down from a fight.” Bellony sighed mournfully.

“... Sorry.” I said quietly.

“You should be.” She said more quietly, her bitterness shining through.

“... Was he-”

“No, but I’d hoped that with Herodotus gone, I’d have a chance to catch his eye. He was popular for treating his Cows like Princesses.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “... It might just be this Goddamn vagina, but it’s getting real hard to see why guys have so much fuckin’ pride. Chicks got it too, but I don’t see many of them dying over it.” I took a step back from Bell and turned on my heel, heading back out the same way I came in. She rose from the bed quickly and followed at a decent distance, though she didn’t say anything. “Bell? You don’t have to-”

“It’s my job to-”

“Bell, your job’s whatever I say it is, and right now I say you got time off to grieve. Take the rest of the day and let me know if you still want to follow a lighter shade of black around all day in the morning.”

She cracked another smile, one that was just happy this time. It was small, but it was a Bell Smile all the same. “I get the vague feeling that you have good intentions, just a bloody way of doing things.”

I bit my lip and realized that I’d been holding my breath after a few moments when I said, “Bell, I wasn’t meant to be on this planet. A lot of mind-rending shit has gone down in the past year of my life. I watched my brother get tortured to death by my rapist over the course of three days. He died because I was the only thing keeping him alive and I couldn’t find the patience to deal with him anymore. I spent three months under the thumb of a genocidal maniac that wasn’t afraid to kill the women in my life; same person who killed my brother. Got addicted to Vampire Venom and became a Thrall. Went crazy because there was just too much going on at once, and then I lost my best friend to his own wife. Didn’t take long for me to get pulled to Tartarus and get too deep into Magicks I shouldn’t have been fucking with to get out in time, earning me this.” I swept my hands down my body, my gaze following them. “I was born a man, Bell. A full foot taller than this Shell. A different race. Smelled different.” I shook my head. “My way of doing things is bloody because my eggs are too scrambled to see the clean way now.”

I looked up and tried to blink the tears out of my eyes as Bell said, “... Maybe you just need to get over it?”

I wiped my eyes clear and gave her a smile. “Is that how you feel?”

Bellony shook her head. “It’s the Minotaur thing to say. It’s not the right thing, but it’s the only thing we’re supposed to say.” her voice trembling with a vengeance.

“What do you really-”

I barely had time to get a breath before Bellony lunged at me, getting down on one knee so she wouldn’t dwarf me. “No one should have to watch their family die, Jayne. I’m so, so sorry that this is where you’re at in your life, but… I…”

I hugged her back and let the chip on my shoulder fall off because… Shit, even crazy people need to cry sometimes. It’s just… I got so tired so fast… It’s like I was walking through life with Super Sanity acting as morphine while I got to the other side of town barefoot, only the roads were made of flint-gravel and someone chucked a fuckin’ rock at me every once in a while to see if I could dodge it. I rarely seemed to dodge those rocks, but I’d been able to deal with them well enough because it was pretty much just me, myself, and I that I was responsible for, but now? Now that I’d killed Herodotus and stood in his shoes, I felt the weight he never cared about in the first place. The whole of a nation rested on my shoulders. For once in my life I had more than four people to keep alive at once, and that was petrifying enough as it was, but knowing that I was going to have to watch my back at damn near every corner just confirmed my formerly unreasonable suspicions. Straight up? I was scared. If I fucked up and got killed, Cain would take my ass and I’d never get it back. If I fucked up and did something the wrong way, then Lujei was going to take the ass of everyone I generally liked to be around and no one was getting anything back. If I fucked up and made the wrong call, then thousands of lives could be made worse or end up buried, and it would be my fault. Hell, I could manage all three in one day with mildly bad luck, let alone a teaspoon of carelessness, and that made me want to go home and get high all day for a good couple of weeks so I could pretend that my life was normal. I’d even pretend to watch cartoons and laugh at nothing if it meant that I didn’t have to think about the trials ahead of me.

I didn’t freak out for long, but I was still shaky when I got Bellony to let go. “I-I’m sorry, I-”

She hugged me again, though more gently this time. “No one told you this was going to happen, Jayne. No one was prepared for this. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me, so don’t feel bad about needing to let the stress out.” Bell let me go and gave me a tender smile.

I cleared my eyes and gave her a weary smile. “Thank you, Bellony. Is there something I need to do before I can get a fuckin’ drink?”

“Prepare for Queen Hermione and her arrival.” She replied ruefully.

“Shit.” I grumbled. “Whatever. When is my new bestie gonna be in town?”

Bell winked at me. “What, you think Herodotus was the only one with a few tricks?”

My jaw fuckin’ dropped.

Bell stood up, but as she rose, her body shrank until she was a little taller than Celestia, a little chestier, and still more… Assier? She still stayed some sorta stacked is what I’m getting at, but the fuckin’ Lich herself was not a Minotaur. No, the Queen of Cragspire turned out to be a fuckmothering Alicorn. There was no light or darkness to hide the morphing of her form as the white and black splotches of her coat fused to make a natural tungsten-like color, and her brown eyes also faded, though one went completely white, pupil and all, while the other eye only grew black to the edge of the iris. It was cool as fuck and the woman as definitely more attractive than Celestia was to me, just based off of her proportions alone. However, that’s not to say that the Undead trickster wasn’t a sight for sore eyes above the collar. In fact, Hermione was… I mean, can a gal get some help here?

{No. Struggle through on your own.}

[She was cute, we get it.]

I thought she was prettier than Diane, cuter than Twilight, and more beautiful than Fluttershy, but-

[What the fu- Hold up! I thought-]

Nope, y’all had yo’ chance, so shut it. Like I was saying I was mostly just staring at the woman I’d been walking around with for the past four hours and had started to bond with through tribulation, degradation, underestimation, and some bloodshed to boot. Instead of striking out at Hermione, I scratched my cheek. “... Well, if you wanted me dead, I would be.”

“Sure would, Jayne.” She gave me a pleasant enough smile. “So we’re clear on the fact that you did me a favor, right?”

“Not really, but we are now.”

Hermione puffed out a laugh. “For your information, Herodotus was… Ah, do you know the current Common for vappa?”

I stared off into the Information Stream and asked the clerk if I could snatch a language or two for a second. The energy being gave me a hard time since I didn’t have exact change and refused to break my sand-filled crystal ball to give me a rubber duckie and a glass of Wormwood juice for some stupid reason. I couldn't slap him around, but I did flash the COATIP Honorary Member card and got a discount, so that was cool. It only ended up costing me half a comet-tail and the placenta from a gerbil’s birth, which was still a little expensive for two halves of two different languages, but what can you do?

“The word you’re looking for is ‘scum’, though I should’ve known that. I know bits and pieces of that language, whatever you’d like to call it.” I replied after a moment, looking back to Hermione.

She blinked. “I would ask, but I have a feeling that you’re crazier than you let on.”

“I never pretended to be sane, in fairness.”

Hermione gave me another smile and put a cool hand on my shoulder. “I guess not, but it’d help your public appearance if you tried a little harder.”

I made a face. “Would it be stupid to ask for another hug?”

Her little smile turned itself up by an extra thousand watts and she gave me the hug I’d asked for. “Anytime, Jayne. Just because I’m not alive doesn’t mean I’m not still a Pony, after all.”

The hug was nice until I let go and she didn’t. “Um…”

“You’re so warm!”

“I kinda have three girlfriends, though.” I said awkwardly.

“Not anymore, sweetcheeks! I was there when Lujei was talking to the sterculinum publicum, and she asked me to pass along a message that you’re gonna want a hug for.”

My bones froze. “... What?”

“She said, verbatim, ‘If you try to go back to Equestria before I hand you a note telling you that you can, I’ll take Diane first and make Twilight and Fluttershy watch. Then I’ll take Fluttershy and make Twilight watch. For the finale, I’ll leave Twilight in your loving arms without any of her own.’.” Hermione let me go just enough to give me a sorrowful smile. “Last time I saw her was a moment after you earned your victory, and she said something along the lines of, ‘Tell her that I don’t know what she did, but Diane’s regretting it for her. Next time she defies me, they all die, and I’ll make her watch.’. I… I really don’t envy you, Jayne.”

I laid my head on Hermione’s shoulder and let her hold me because I was just numbed the fuck out. Too many feelings were running through my heart and none of them would make up their Goddamn minds as to how long or who they wanted to stay with. Diane herself was blocking off my True Sight, meaning that I couldn’t see what Lujei had done, but that just made the ache I’d stopped feeling once I lost my dick come back again. A lot had just been dumped on my plate, but there wasn’t any room. I already had entrees on the table, snacks sprinkled on top, deserts slung wherever they wanted to be, hors d'oeuvres scattered in my lap, and that was all on top of the ten-pound steak that was Lujei that had been settled on a platter. If you’ve been listening this long, then you should probably be able to guess what happened next.

[...]

{I haven’t been paying enough attention.}

Fuck you. I lost my shit again, and this time I couldn't find it. There was a Pinkie/COATIP affiliate to guide me through the madness that time, and I don’t actually remember what happened. I do, however, know that I woke up dazed and confused in the same room I’d been in, just on the bed Hermione had been sitting on when she was still Bellony to me. I almost sat up before I got snuggled from behind and became pretty aware of the odd event that was being spooned by a Lich. I actually prefer being a little chilly, so it was kinda nice, and there wasn’t a single hard thing touching me, which was super nice. The not nice thing was that only one of Hermione’s hands was above the covers, and I could see it in front of me since I was laying on her arm. The other hand was between my legs, rubbing and squeezing at the toilet paper I’d stuffed in my pants. A part of me wanted to roll over and elbow the Lich Queen for molesting me in my sleep while another just wanted to get the fuck away from her and her unfortunately gropey hands.

I paused to consider the situation. “... Hermione?”

“Yes, Jayne?” She murmured in my ear, dipping her middle and ring fingers between my thighs, pressing way too firmly.

I put my hand over hers and put it on the side of my leg. “Humans aren’t squishy down there. It’s a bad time for that.”

“Tch.” The Queen scoffed. A short, high whistle had my undergarments feeling considerably less absorbent than before. “I can smell the blood, but I don’t mind, Jayne. Just let me make you feel good for a little while, hmm~?” She started stroking my thigh.

“... Why can I barely feel my legs?”

“You did an awful lot of something or other that had you bouncing off of the walls in the most unfortunately literal manner you could have.” Hermione flicked the nape of my neck with her tongue, sending chills down my spine.

Her willingness was a little much for me, so I tried to pull away from her. Sadly, Hermione only had to wrap her arms around my stomach and chest to keep me from going anywhere. “Yo-”

“You said no, you meant no. Just let me hold you a little while longer, okay?” She requested much more reasonably.

It took me a second to relax, but leaning into her was nice for three reasons, and two of them were identical. The third reason was the best by far, and it was just that Hermione was comforting. “How long is a little longer?”

“Until you need to use the restroom or something, I guess. You still do that, don’t you?”

“I’m alive, so yeah.”

“Yes, yes you are.” She squeezed me a little tighter before easing up, the arm that was hold my chest unfolding to lay straight while the arm that was over my stomach moved to my sternum.

“Whatcha doin’, Hermi?” I asked suspiciously.

Her fingertips brushed the bottom of my sports-bra. “Live a little, why don’t you?”

My hand found hers again. “Starting to creep me out, here.”

She sighed. “At least let me get something out of this. I could have left you alone, you know.”

“Fidelity is my middle name.”

“Your ‘fidelity’ is going to get your Mares killed.” Hermione said frankly. “If you want them whole and healthy, unlike Diane, then you might want to send them a… ‘Dear Jayne’ letter.” She said, her voice tight for a reason I couldn’t determine.

“If I believed that, I wouldn’t have a reason to keep going.”

“If I believed you believed that, I wouldn’t be pressing you.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” I snarled, pissed at her little implication.

“Tell me how much love is in your heart right now.” Hermione asked softly.

“Enough.” I answered, both as a response to her question a statement in and of itself.

“... It’s just as cruel to lie to them as it is to yourself.” She whispered in my ear.

I started crawling away from her again, but there just wasn’t much strength in my body. However, I could lift my fingers to my mouth. “I suggest you stop talking.”

Her hand covered mine and her other hand stroked the inside of my thigh. “Mhmm.”

“Dear fuckin’-” I groaned. “I don’t even touch that thing! FuckingStop.”

Hermione redirected her attention to my boob and I didn't say anything to that since it was better than the alternative. Even when she slipped her hand under my shirt, I bit back a sigh and just let her fucking humiliate me because there wasn’t much I could do about it. I mean, it felt decent enough, but I didn’t want it, and I didn’t want her touching me directly either, but that happened too. The silky, chilly fur of her fingers made my nipples go erect in the time it took for her to glide her hand up the mound of useless flesh. From the tip of her middle finger to her palm was the distance she crossed to reach my arousal, but I’d be damned if I asked her to keep going.

Things only got worse when the Lich Queen used her little move from earlier and kept flicking the back of my neck with the tip of her tongue, the sensation no longer sticking to my spine. No, a heat that made me want to vomit rose up from the area below my navel, but above my muns, meaning that the moisture I was feeling on my lips wasn’t blood like I’d been hoping. “Mmm~ Things are smelling better already.” I didn’t answer her, but she took her hand away from my breast anyway, rubbing the area between the two of them instead. “You’re going to need to get used to this body somehow, Jayne.”

“Not like this.” I answered thickly.

“Trust me; once you feel the pleasure of a woman-”

“I don’t. Want. To. Know.”

She kissed the back of my neck and let her lips linger. “I swear to you, Jayne, that this will only help.”

“Nooo.”

“Jayne, I can’t tell you why I have to, but I have to. I just…” Her hand started sliding downward.

“Hermione, no-” What little strength I had left me… OhmyGod-

{Jayne. Jayne.}

I-I…

[Keep going.]

{No.}

[Hmm? What was that?]

…

{...}

[I don’t hear my story.]

You lost your privileges. Deal with it.

[Hmph. We’ll just see how you two do without light or heat for a couple days, then.]

…

{...}

I-I… Garrison, I’m-

{S’okay. Are you okay?}

… I shouldn't have let it get to me. Minosia was a clusterfuck. Thought I already dealt with it.

{... We won’t be here forever.}

Who’s coming to save us, Garrison? We sent the message out. No one even looked for the message. Not even the fuckers who saw it in writing!”

{In fairness, would you-}

It’s just missing letters! Fill in the fucking gap-

{Shh.}

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Her Royal ‘Highness’

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Her Royal ‘Highness’

✧❖☬❖✧

If there’s ever a place to start, it’d be with Jayne telling me that Tangerine Breeze was a viable option for getting Ladesa taken care of, which was a ray of hope that I rather needed at the moment. I couldn’t afford to lose Ladesa, both as a friend and as an ally. She was far too valuable to me to give up on, and I knew that it made Maud extremely jealous, but I vehemently ‘requested’ that she be either able to protect herself well enough or be close enough to someone who can help her win the fight. She took my intonations and facial expression as I made my unreasonable demands to heart and stopped asking so many relationship related questions, which was nice because silence.

Knowing who to get help from was one thing, but not knowing where Tangerine Breeze was kind of put a damper on my whole ‘She’s saved!’ thing. With that little bout of bullshit taking place in my lap as I struggled to figure out how to make sure that Jayne wouldn’t be left with no backup while simultaneously trying to grasp at straws for Ladesa, I threw out feelers across Bonetown and Grey Grotto for Tangerine Breeze. While that was going on, I personally attended to Ladesa in the Sick Bay since I was the one she apparently wanted nearby during her brief moments of lucidity. To be honest, I didn’t even know about Jayne being in any kind of trouble whatsoever, and it was supposedly due to the fact that we’d never actually ‘acknowledged’ our love for each other. Yes, it was there, but it just wasn’t as magnetic as it had been when we first met as Garrison and Mariana. We’d obviously chosen different partners, and nothing was going to change the fact that Jayne hated her body, so the Covenant, or whatever it’s really called, never had a chance to take root. Sadly, it took Jayne going insane for me to feel something wrong with her, but by then it was too late. For both her and Ladesa.

Deep breath, short sigh.

In the course of the day it took for Jayne to show her might as ruler of Minosia, Ladesa’s soul slowly weakened as her will to live just petered out. I prayed to Furladra and offered her freedom; offered her my hand in marriage with no strings attached, but I never got a reply. Dissida didn’t care since she didn’t give a fuck about someone who’d killed her pups and hadn’t fucked her silly afterwards, so by the time Tangerine Breeze was located and had made the time to see Ladesa… I held her as she faded. Cleaned the bile and black filth that dribbled from her lips whenever she could muster up the strength to cough. She’d lasted in that festering Hellhole so long and I…

I failed her. I knew where her cell was, and I could’ve gotten her out before the fire. It… Everything that happened… It was all my fault. One of my first acts as Guildmaster had been to get the Luck Lady killed during a non-Guild mission… All I could think of while Tangerine Breeze apologized and Frieda blustered and threatened no one in particular were the ways things could have gone right instead of wrong. I could have told Ladesa that we weren’t picking up extra contracts while on an important mission. I could have traded her partners when she got captured because I’d actually wanted to work with a Molly instead of a Griffin-ish thing-

[Hippogriff.]

Whatever. I already knew that they were pretty stealthy, but I wanted to see how I would match up to an actual feline and I’d missed my chance because I’d thought Ladesa could teach the Cat something. I could have gone after her as soon as I knew where she was, but I waited. Already had a plan made, but I waited. And the worst part? It was me not freeing her first that got her killed in the end. She most likely would have been insane, but alive…

{You already said it was a mercy to die in her state, Garrison. Let it go.}

… I could’ve saved her. Could’ve saved you....

{...}

[L-O-L, huge fail. How’s that warmth feel?]

{Just get through it, man.}

Yeah. Sure. To put it in terms of time, Ladesa died over the course of three days, it having taken a day and a half to find Tangerine Breeze and another full day for her to be able to get down into the Catacombs after taking care of similarly critical patients. Jayne went mad around the beginning of Ladesa’s last day and came back to the realm of the sentient around the last hour she was alive, or at least, that’s when I stopped feeling like my mind was imploding and the world was erupting in blaring noises that made no sense. At the time I’d thought that I was just panicking over the death of one of my strongest pawns and closest friends, not in that order, but instead I was getting a taste of Jayne’s madness. Little would be worth the experience as it was, and that was without having been the bearer of the brunt of the pain.

When the pain drained away along with Ladesa’s life, I felt… Not empty, per se, but… I don’t truly know how to describe it. There was a distinct presence of something inside that made the feeling unique in and of itself, but there was also another quality to it, like I wasn’t quite as aware of what it was supposed to be as I should have been. That wasn’t a terribly alien feeling since there were a couple of things that I didn’t really understand in my body, but I did realize that I wept for Ladesa without any tears falling. I felt them flow while I clutched her cold form to my chest, damning myself for failing her, but after awhile I realized that they never actually fell. I went to open my eyes and I could vaguely see two dirty-ish translucent orbs on either side of my vision, so I shook my head and blinked rapidly, thinking that I was going blind for a moment. When I saw the little balls orbiting around my head, I had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I laid Ladesa down and paid close attention to her, but there was nothing about her or her pallid appearance that explained the oddity.

Frieda and Tangerine eventually got my attention by shaking me, which got both of them pummeled with the little orbs of water until I calmed down a little bit. “Gauche, what the Tartarus, man!?” Frieda shrieked.

“Please! We just want to help!” Tangerine said. Cowering from the orb that was assaulting her.

I raised my trembling hands. “I-I’m sorry, I’m not controlling these fuckers.” I grit my teeth ands balled my hands into fists against my will, shaking with a wave of rage that made me spit, “Fucking SHITE!”

The orbs froze as I clenched my hands, but some part of me that wanted mercy for the women in front of me made me bring my hands to my chest and try to breathe, making them come to me. I just wanted the little fuckers to be gone at the moment, so they fell from the air and splattered on the floor while the energy I’d had flushed from my system, making me feel lifeless. Staring at the floor, I listened to some solid advice from Tangerine and went to go find Maud, who was supposed to have been back from doing the mission she’d been sent to do in the first place.

Try as I might, however, I just wasn’t destined to find my piece of comfort on the day of Ladesa’s death, so I ended up going on a Stroll to ease the pain. The familiar feeling of stalking through the night and filling my pouches with things that weren’t mine was mind-numbing in a way, but the need to pay attention to exactly what I was doing and how I was doing it was enough to make me not want to go to Godsholm and beat Furladra for abandoning her daughter. It was just barely enough, but it did the job.

Instead of hocking the crap I’d stolen, I flew around Grey Grotto until I found familiar territory and stashed my shit in the same building where my whole contact with Bite-Back had initially started. As I brooded around the mildewed, smelly old building, I wondered about my own self-worth. Of course I was a useful tool, but I’d just proven that I was a failure as a tactician. My comrade and sister had died due to my own negligence, and I couldn’t help but to dive further back into my psyche and find all the little flaws in the steps I made to save Aria’s life as well. I knew that Twilight could possibly be on the list, but I’d never known that she already had a target on her back.

While I walked over the dust-laden floors of the rat-infested tenement, curiosity struck me about the water thing, so I found the room I’d chosen to sleep in all so long ago and sat behind the door to meditate in piece. After around half an hour, I was able to tap into my inner fury and quench the flames with the icy calm of neutrality. I’d always lived a fine line between being Furladra’s Envoy and Dissida’s Emissary with my general approach to life, but at the moment, I couldn’t help but feel a certain disconnect, or rather, a detachment from both of them. I’d always been able to identify with either on some level, but at the moment, I felt as though they truly were unknowable beings and that I too was unknowable. Everything seemed so, so vastly complicated that I shut down for a moment and the feeling that had brought forth the orbs from before came again, but this time, my canteen provided the water after the cap popped off like a gunshot.

The little balls of water were about three inches tall, and there were a good number of them for the size of my canteen. Shocked, I let the balls fall until I seized the feeling and tried to gain a firmer grasp of what exactly it was before I understood it as a combination of loss and regret. Dissida’s power was simple in that it was just negativity that was geared toward hurting people in general. Hatred, anger, and jealousy all stoked the fire with fuel to spare, and they came in by the wagon full to keep the taps flowing. Furladra’s gift was a little more tricky to deal with since it dealt with a calm assurance of one’s abilities, making it hard to work with since your imagination limited its capacity, but the new power was odd. There was a Dissidic aspect too, in that I had to lose a certain amount of control to summon it, and then Furladra’s aspect came into play when I needed to actually manage it with the conviction that I actually could. I didn’t think that mixing wind and fire would give you control over water, and I still don’t.

“Show yourself.” I said into the empty building.

There was no answer.

“Terrible timing.” I grunted. “Just when I need another god fucking with my life.”

“Well, I’m not really a god or a Creator, so…” I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to face my new patron, coming face to airspace before looking down. None other than fucking Max, the frankly short, scrawny, pasty, teenager-with-a-Helix-Powder-problem-looking version of Maximus.

“... The bloody fuck are you?” I asked dumbly.

He took a step back, waved, and brought the motion into a fluid bow that was still a little goofy and a bit awkward since he was evidently young. “I, my guy, am Kaid Gadai. Pleasure to meet you in person, Garrison. Big fan. Seriously.”

Kaid gave me a smug grin that wasn’t loaded with anything, but there was a certain light to his eyes that made me question his intentions. “... You’re a Guildee?”

He blinked at me. “I what, Mate?”

“... Is Gadai your surname?” I asked, chuckling.

“Oh, yeah.” Young Master Thief nodded.

“Do you steal things?”

“Not as good as you, Mate.” His smile grew and I could see admiration and envy in his gaze, which told me that he was either younger than I’d originally thought, which would put him around fourteen. Or he was a little simple. Never rule out simpleness.

I nodded. “You’re talking to a Guildmaster, friend. I have to be good to be worthy of the title.”

“Which is why Ladesa’s dead, right?”

Damn. That was frostbitten. “Fair point.”

“I can’t really help you on that one.” Kaid gave me a disappointed look, like he’d expected me to say something about it sooner. “I can, however, teach you some stuff about the different types of Magic that you have.”

“I have a few questions if you wouldn’t mind answering them.” I said calmly.

He held up a finger with one hand and pinched the air in front of him with the other, flicking the fingers he’d pinched to open a pale blue window of some sort from thin air. Kaid then repeated the motion in front of the screen and another one popped up, though the new one was far more rectangular than the square that had initially appeared. After seizing one end on opposite corners, he dragged them apart and two boards came into existence parallel to each other. I don’t know why he started poking the little squares on the boards, but it seemed at though he was just tapping random things very quickly while looking at a rapidly changing mass of alphanumerics that ultimately amounted to me getting a headache while trying to follow.

“Alrighty, I think we’ll be good to go here in a little bit, Gary-san…” He lifted his chin slowly before nodding. “And we’re golden.”

I blinked. “... You were Max’s glorified scribe, weren’t you?”

“I’m also a younger version of him that got to nail one of his paramours. It was fun.”

“I’m sure it was. Would you mind telling me why you gave me Water Magic?”

“Because Water, Air, and Fire are the cool ones. Earth always struck me as kinda basic, you’re too dark to do Light, Dark would probably suit you too well, and the others are a little too special to pass out willy nilly. And I didn’t really give you anything. Max gave it to you and you just never activated it so I got it going for you.” Kaid made finger pistols at me and fired them. “Ba-bang, am I right?”

“I don’t understand why you’re choosing now of all times to do this-”

“Ah, right.” He held up a finger before repeating his motions on his strange floating device. “Aaand… Yup!” As he finished his sentence, he slammed his finger on a button and a burst of confetti popped from behind him in Guild Green, Abyss Black, and Gunner’s Guild Grey. “Congratulations on finally getting past your first thing you were supposed to do! I feel like I should say ‘About fuckin’ time’, but if I would’ve been in your shoes… Well, let’s not go there.”

“I have a funny feeling you would have just gotten our gal and got out.” I sighed.

“Yeah. Never was one much for a fight.” He said softly. “If it makes you feel any better-”

“It won’t. Thank you, but I really don’t think it will.”

“Fair enough…” He took a deep breath and prepared to leave.

“Heya, Kaid?”

“Yeah?” He puffed, letting all of his air out.

“... Do you work for Kauku now?”

“... Kinda married to her now, my man.” He said awkwardly.

I glared at him with a special kind of fury and he flinched, raising his hands with a crooked smile. “It was a joke! Ha-ha! Funny-fun times! Don’t kill me, I don’t die!”

“I’m going to marry Maud anyway, so you’re welcome to try your luck with the woman above all others.” I sighed. “It sucks to be this monogamous, you know?”

Kaid pointed at himself. “Max had four wives at one point. And apparently nailed every royal tart in the western hemisphere. Where do you think his libido began?”

“I do see your point. Horny bastards, aren’t you?”

“Aren’t I.” He corrected coolly.

I inclined my head. “It somehow doesn’t really feel like he’s gone.”

“That’s because you haven’t scrubbed the universe looking for him. Max is as good and gone as good and gone gets.”

“Your device tells you that he’s gone?”

“First of all, stop assuming shit. Second of all, this thing could tell me how it all started in the first place if I really cared to know. It just wouldn’t be worth dying over.”

“Damn.”

“I know, right? I miss him too, Mate. As odd as it was, Max was like a big brother to me, and the older he got, the more he started feeling like a mentor.”

“Odd. He’d always seemed terribly volatile to me.”

“He was bipolar, man. His mood swings were fucking legendary when he was still just a Prince. Dude would flip his shit over something or other because it’d been done wrong before, but no one ever got hurt. At least, no one who didn’t have it coming.”

Shaking my head, I shifted my weight back and forth for a moment before saying, “Why now, Kaid?”

“You’re a lone wolf that needs a pack.” He scoffed. “You just lost your Beta. I’d be an idiot to just leave you alone when I could sneak up on you.”

I snorted. “So the Gadai comes to gawk at the Varas?”

“Friend of a friend stops by to say hi.”

We extended hands at the same time and he disappeared after we shook, leaving me with the vague impression that I needed fly responsibly and avoid not catching myself on the way back down. Instead of doing that, I fucked around with the water thing for a while. I tried to give a damn about it. I really did, but I just couldn’t. I knew the feeling well enough and decided to swallow it so I could use it at a later date, doing what I’d always done: compartmentalizing. Ladesa was down, but it wasn’t the end of things. The guilt in my heart traveled to my stomach. The anger clouding my mind drifted down my throat. The remorse wracking my bones all focused in on one point. I ate my emotions and shed one final tear for my fallen comrade, my voice clear as I knelt in the room where the mess had all began.

T’was a night so cold

The wind was too

Yet Old Seawolf was in the Blue

The Moon shone bright

It’s blinding light

On Widow Wharf sits that tragic sight

Her Captain so sure that shore was close

First Mate on deck T’was manning his post

Then lightning struck from storms above!

First Mate was ash, then sodden mud

The Captain saw and sang with glee:

“Take them all; Leave only me!”

So lightning struck leaving only four

Captain, Cook. Crewman, and a special one more

T’was a night so cold

The wind was too

Yet Old Seawolf was in the Blue

The Moon shone bright

It’s blinding light

On Widow Wharf sits that tragic sight

All men on deck, all swords were flashing

Captain Gautier looked ever more dashing

Lighting struck on four swords clashing

Splitting the ship with but three men splashing

The Captain called and sang once more:

“Yes, hurry! Now take me to shore!”

His subordinates stared, stunned and floored

As the man sank below water as they’d seen before.

T’was a night so cold

The wind was too

Yet Old Seawolf was in the Blue

The Moon shone bright

It’s blinding light

On Widow Wharf sits that tragic sight

The ship washed up along with two men

Shivering cold with thoughts of bed

Days long passed and came two more

Finding themselves in Widows Wharf

The Captain still smiled, his eyes truly rotten

Because it was death his actions had got him

The stowaway still clutched his leg

Both tattered to bits; their flesh in dregs

T’was a night so cold

The wind was too

Yet Old Seawolf was in the Blue

The Moon shone bright

It’s blinding light

On Widow Wharf sits that tragic sight

“Sorry, Ladesa. Would’ve sang it in Varic, but… I doubt you care.” I left the room and the building before making my way to the castle.

I took my time in getting there since I thought Jayne would either be able to take care of herself or otherwise alert me if she needed my help. When I was barred entry at the gates, I wasn’t suspicious as to why until the guards told me that they knew that I was the Spymaster; they just had orders not to let me into the castle. That being said, I can fly and Minotaurs generally can’t, so I just flew over them and got into the castle, pretty much just ignoring everyone on my way in since no one was stopping me once I got past the gate. I asked where the Queen was supposed to be and everyone pointed me in the same direction, so I made my way to the royal chambers, which I say because I didn’t know if Jayne was going to keep the castle long enough to even make it count as ‘hers’. I was half expecting her to have ditched her responsibilities already, but it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for her.

Due to the fact that knocking is for people who don’t like being extra interesting, I let myself into Jayne’s room to see her gently crying into a tall grey Alicorn’s shoulder while said Alicorn murmured apologies to her. “... This seems like a bad time.”

The Pony stared at me and Jayne straightened herself out. “Garrison?”

“Yeah. Sorry I’m late, Jayne. We just lost a friend.”

Jayne looked at me for a moment before closing her eyes and resting against the Alicorn. “Hermione, who’s draining my strength?”

“Are you going to break our promise if I stop?” ‘Hermione’ asked quietly.

“... No. I believe you.”

The Alicorn nodded and placed a tender, loving kiss on Jayne’s brow. “If not one then the other, Jayne. I just want to help and be helped in turn.”

“I get it.” Jayne stopped leaning on Hermione and got off of the luxurious looking bed. “C’mon, Dude. We got shit to do.”

I looked at her as she wiped her eyes and wobbled a little on her feet, looking ready to kill at a moment’s notice. “... Wanna grab a drink?”

She wandered over to the place where the odd bag she’d been carrying since we got to Minosia was and pulled out a cigar the size of my middle leg. “I got a better idea.”

I waited for her to light the damn thing and make sure she was incredible inebriated before asking, “Is the job that damn stressful, or what?”

“Multiple assassination attempts, still gotta rule the damn country, and I miss my fucking dick. And I can’t fucking leave this Hellhole.” She spat bitterly.

That sparked a conversation between us that covered a lot of things that we don’t need to repeat since they already happened and we’ve spoken about them in turn, but the gist was the same as it ever was: Neither of us felt like we were winning the battle we were supposed to be fighting and it wasn’t just pessimism. Every step forward came with enough pressure to take two steps back, and we still had yet more in our path. Queen Hermione was actually quite pleasant and very helpful about getting our heads out of our arses and into another plan that we could pull off without Ladesa, but unfortunately, the plan was going to ‘suck’.

After the main part of our conversation was over, Jayne asked, “Do you think you could do me a favour?”

“Of course.” I replied magnanimously because Jayne’s life sucked more than mine did.

“Can you tell Fluttershy, Diane, and Twilight that I still love them?”

I gave her a small smile. “I can do that.”

She tapped my chest with a fist and pursed her lips. “... Life’s fucked, man.”

I opened my arms and offered her a regretful grin. “So are we, but at least we know we’re fucked, right?”

“I’d almost rather have the hope.”

“Liar.”

“Fair point, counter-point ensuing: I’d fucking feel better right now.” She came in for the hug, but instead of going for a normal one, she grabbed my right hand and hugged me as men generally do, setting a certain precedent.

I clapped her on the back somewhat softly and let her go. “Get high, Your ‘Highness’.”

“Oh, trust me. I’m staying stoned as much as I can.” Jayne scoffed. “Other than that, once you get to Equestria, let me know when you and Maud start ‘recruiting’.”

“I will. Keep me posted on what I need to do for you while I’m in Equestria and I’ll see that it gets done.”

“Between the people that’ll be loyal to me and the people that are already loyal to you, the short term… We’ll see how it goes.”

“Time will tell, as it does with all things…” A heavy, pregnant silence lay between us. “Jayne?”

“Yeah?” She answered, her voice toneless and numbed. Tired.

“You don’t see a way out of this, do you?”

“Only a shit-brained dumbass would call me an optimist.” Jayne snorted, slightly entertained by my ‘joke’.

“Then let’s hope we die quick and I manage to drag you out of whatever mess you’re in again afterwards.”

She blinked and puffed a short breath; barely a scoff. “Good luck on that one. I boned myself pretty hard as far as the afterlife goes, and this one is sucking pretty fucking hard.”

“...Things will get better.”

“So sayeth thee, my Dude.”

I nodded a few times and prepared to leave before I stopped and unstrapped the only unnamed weapon I carried with me from my belt. My stiletto had been my offhand choice in many fights and had saved me from killing blows before. However, it was the blade that Isla had given me, and she’d made me swear to pass it on before I myself did. It only seemed fitting to give it to Jayne. After all, she was another woman whose heart I would never truly earn.

Turning, I came face to face with Jayne, each of us reaching out with a gift in hand. We traded a knife for a strange metal cylinder that was like an auger, but was just a decorated hand-held piece of sharp steel or something. I raised a brow and she shrugged. “Kubotons are in these days. It’s also a pen. Ka-ciao.” She winked and walked away from me like I hadn’t just given her a Thesuvian steel masterpiece that could pierce decent platemail if enough pressure was applied.

{How was I supposed to know that then and there?}

You’re Super Sane and you had finally hit the last level. Fuck you.

{Damn, got caught. Still though, it was a nice pen, was it not?}

Anyways, after Jayne and I agreed to make the world fear our might because Human Superiority, I left and went back to Bonetown to see if anyone was mourning Ladesa’s death and made arrangements to have her body burned outside of town as per the proper Avalesch send off, born from plague and lack of space to put new bodies. It wasn’t my preferred method of sending someone on to the afterlife, but it was one that I thought was fitting in its own way for my Spitfire.

Despite my earlier dismissal of my emotions, my heart still felt the weight of loss, so I sought Maud and her aura for a bit of peace that I wished that I could share with the world for just five minutes, if that. All I wanted was for people to slow down, stop what they were doing, and just appreciate being alive for a moment, because there were many horrible alternatives that seemed to be popping up around every corner. For the first time since Furladra had betrayed me, or rather for the first time since I’d personally met the Gods, I poured my heart out in a prayer to Kauku, asking for guidance. I wasn’t surprised when none came. I wasn’t surprised to hear that Maud was successful with her mission either, I just wasn’t in the mood to celebrate it.

She tried to have me join the festivities, and when it became clear that flooding my mind with alcohol was just going to make things worse, my lovely little Mauble abandoned her own party to come sit in the same musty old factory that I’d been haunting for half the day. I heard her walk up behind me, but I wasn’t expecting her to slide her arms around me and stay silent. I’d been waiting for some touching remark or a dry jab; maybe a tender word that Maud only spoke for me or a crushing truth. Any would have been apt for the situation, but she held her silence until I pivoted in her arms, turned around, and reciprocated her hug.

“So you are ready for comfort. This is good,” my Mauble said, her tone level and low, not in the right octave.

“Whether I want it or not, I don’t deserve it, Maud. I got Ladesa killed by bringing her here.”

“She chose to come-”

“I’m the Guildmaster, Maud. Disobeying me is supposed to be like disobeying a guy a step above Kerrick.”

“She chose to follow your cause. She knew what she was getting into.”

“... I didn’t even know what we were getting into Maud… I… I haven’t panicked on a fucking job in years…”

“I have heard tell of the blaze still going on in the Ironclad Keep. It is impossible to get inside the building for fear of dying of the miasma.”

“Not helping.”

Maud hugged me a little tighter. “I love you.”

“I love you too…” I sighed. “I can’t let this happen again, Maud. I can’t have people dying on my watch.”

“Then do not let them die. Choose the best of the best.”

“I did and-”

“Ladesa was caught because she grew lax. She may have been one of the best at some point, but she was a blade dulled by easy pickings and a comfortable life, if not a little unpreferable.” Maud let me go and held onto my arms, her eyes conveying more emotion than her voice would ever hope to be able to. “Let me take Ladesa’s place in your Guild, Garrison. You can teach me how to sneak like a thief, can you not?”

“Maud, you’re built like the sexiest cannon I’ve ever laid eyes on, but your still a cannon. Ladesa was a recurve bow that shot somewhat short arrows. You are far better at doing what you currently do than we could make you at sneaking within a reasonable timeframe, and the factors working against you are potent.” I took a step toward her and gave her a minute smile. “I miss Ladesa already, but I still have you. I’m sure I can find another sneaky type in the Ranger Corps, but I need a bruiser, and you’re the bruisingest woman I know that isn’t evil.”

She bit my throat, but not hard enough to restrict my breath. Then Maud tossed her head about like a looney and made me fucking giggle and give her a fucked up look, to which she replied with, “Then I will help you find your bow. It will be an ugly, yet effective bow.”

“Or it can be a guy. I’ll take a guy bow.”

“I don’t trust you enough to assume you will stay straight.”

I’m sure my shock came across my face as fast as the blush. “What would give you that impression?”

“You’ve fallen for a man in a woman’s body.”

“He and I both say I fell for the body, which is like yours, but not as nice. I like you; Jayne is an arse.”

Maud cracked a miniscule smile. “It is nice to hear you say that.”

The look I gave her was like a summer’s breeze to a mountain. “Stop being manipulative.”

“I am not being manipulative, I am fishing for affirmations and compliments. It is a Mare’s right in a relationship.”

I rolled my eyes and traded disapproval for a longsuffering smile. “If you wait for me-”

“I waited during the party and I even came here to get them.” She folded her arms.

What could I do? It was laughably, amazingly sweet, so I gave her a hug until I could close my lips enough for a kiss. “You’re adorably preposterous, you know that?” I asked as we parted.

Maud shrugged like it was par for the course, which I suppose it was for her. “I have never been called anything of the sort. I find your diagnosis to be dishonest, biased, and scientif-”

She’d earned herself a kiss for her efforts and another smile to boot. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome. I expect the same service to be provided in a different manner at another time.”

“A Varas always holds up their end of the deal, even if their partner is a little nuts.”

She tilted her head and looked at me. “I am sorry, Mr. Pot, I could not hear you over my water coming to a boil.”

“I wasn’t calling you black, I was calling you the fun kind of crazy.”

“I would prefer it if you called me pretty.” She tried to pout, but she couldn’t hold the expression long. She kept trying, though.

It was really cute.

“Pretty isn’t good enough for a gal as gorgeous as you. It implies that you’re just a face and not a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful work of art that deserves someone better than a washed up thief past his prime.”

“You are in your mid-twenties.”

“I’m over a thousand years old, but mid-twenties sounds like it’ll get us… Well, old people generally get discounts.”

“You have made yourself relatively rich.”

“Eeyup.”

“Discounts do not matter.”

“The only thing I’ve actually spent money on so far is food. And my armour. I had to get that repaired.”

“... You are a cheapskate.”

I waved a hand in her direction. “Keep being as Maud as you can be and I’ll buy your affection before kissing my way into getting more. Then we can see where little reminders of my love get me.”

“They will get you many Maud related things. You will like them.”

“Then how about we start by looking for a bracelet of some sort? Minosian jewelers are said to be some of the finest artisans on the planet.” I wiggled my brows at her.

“Would this be a date by any chance?”

“... Eeyuss.”

“Then I would be delighted. This place smells terrible.”

“You smell good.” I sniffed her for confirmation. “Your perfume makes me hungry.”

“I’m not wearing perfume. Do not eat me.”

“You’d enjoy it if I did.” I gave her a wink.

“... I cannot decide whether I would like a token of affection or a sexual favor.”

“And this is where I offer both, no?”

She laced her arms around my neck and puckered up for a smooch that I was happy to give her. “You can if you so desire.”

I let my hands drift from her hips to her rear, letting them rest near her tail. “Pick what you want to do first and we’ll see how much we can squeeze into the day accordingly.”

“Heh-heh. Who said good deeds go unrewarded?”

₪ღ✮ღ₪

While Lover-Boy was prepping his dick for the sucky sucky, I was eating dinner with Hermione while she stirred some stew. I couldn’t have had much less of an appetite, but Madam Fingerfuck was adamant about not letting myself slip into a state of despair. It’s… It’s hard to explain, but in a way, it just worked. Not very effectively, but letting Hermione shoulder some of the burden she herself had placed on my shoulders just… It felt like the right thing the to do. Looking to the person who fucked with you for payback is natural, right? I mean, if someone hits you with a car and pays the bill, then keeps up with you to see how you’re doing, are you really going to be that mad?

{Yes. Mostly because I assume that getting hit by a car is not like getting hit by a pillow.}

[I’d probably let it go if they really were sorry.]

Right? I mean, I could tell that Hermione was pretty regretful about the whole thing other than the time where she was stealing my warmth. Other than that, she was as much a victim of circumstance as I was in her own way, and I had to trust my instincts on it because leaving more room for doubts in my mind would have been bad for everyone. As it was, my mind was a mess. Puidos and Guidos and Skidoos clashed against each other in a race war while a biker gang drank Mary under the table, put her in a ball bearing, and proceeded to play pinball with her. I was being frummeled and squabulatored as Lujei drifted through the scenes in her own time, giggling as she went along. The two of us combined all over again and more of our traits married and mingled, balancing out as we came closer to being one person with multiple personalities rather than an abomination beyond words, but in the end, it was working out well as long as I stayed comfortably numb to the shitstorm I’d found myself in.

After I sent Garrison off to do his half of the bullshit, I went to go get started on some of my Queenly duties, which were first and foremost to squash any rumours of evil Magic surrounding me, replacing them with truths about Alchemy and lies about homunculi that turned out for the worst. Minotaurs are dumb, and Alchemy wasn’t a popular school of Magic in Arcadia because of the red tape that was involved in studying it, which I got around by dating a Princess. It was even less popular on Equis where the Princesses liked to keep just about everything useful hush hush, but now I’m just being bitter and a little salty.

Hermione had asked that I join her in our Courtroom after my meeting with Garrison since she wanted to discuss what kind of ruler I was actually going to be, and ‘tough but fair’ was the order of the day as far as that went. However, when I told her that, Hermione gave me a look. “Sweet Carnation, I’m afraid that ‘tough but fair’ isn’t exactly going to be an easy goal to accomplish. Minotaurs are notorious for thinking of themselves as the superior race of Equis, and as such, they expect special treatment in their Homelands. Having a Queen that rules against them will be cause for upheaval.”

I shrugged. “What’s your suggestion?”

“Rig the game.”

“I like you when your hands are closer to you than me. And when you’re smart. This is a good moment for me liking you.”

Her bitoned eyes wrinkled with a bit of mirth, and I noticed for the first time that she actually seemed like she was older than Celestia, which was odd. Celestia had struck me as a capable, middle-aged woman in her mid-thirties while I felt as though Hermione was at least a decade older in her demeanor and disposition. Her manner of manipulation also seemed to be more… Tolerable. Hermione didn’t pretend to be a good person, and she’d told me as much herself, but Celestia wanted people to believe that she was the shining ray of hope in a forlorn world, and it was low-key/high-key bullshit as fuck. Of course, I liked Hermione less in the moment, but at least she’d let me have a shred of my dignity. Celestia, on the other hand? I didn’t doubt that she’d slay my pride with a smile and invite me to tea afterwards to make it seem like she was being a good sport.

Hermione rolled her eyes, that little bubble of thought having thrown me off and I had to ask her to repeat herself. “I said, ‘If you have any Minotaurs loyal to you, then I can control a few Ponies and make them lose a case with grace. No problems’.”

“Ah, good to hear. I’ll get in touch with a friend of mine and see who I can dig up, but in the meantime, is there anything I need to attend to? Like, urgent shit?”

“Well, you do need a good time and place to die and become some type of Undead.”

“Shit, being a Thrall barely had enough perks to make it worthwhile. Being Undead gets old after a decade, I’m told.”

“Well…” Hermione hissed.

“You gotta be shittin’ me.” I deadpanned.

She winced. “It’s not Lujei, it’s Tartarus. I can’t really rule without a partner, and my partner needs to be at least one hundred percent less alive than you, if not one hundred and ten.”

“How the fuck do you become a’ hundred and ten percent dead?”

“You become a Death Lord Mortalon.” She answered flatly. “That’s basically Lujei right now.”

“So… What exactly are you?”

“I am a Lich Queen Moudrea, which is one vast rank below a Death Lord and yet another stretch from Mortalon down to Moudrea respectively. With the Magic you currently have in your body, I would wager that you could become a Revenant Moudrea, which isn’t a bad choice if you’re aiming for both intelligence and power.”

“Yeah, no, can’t we just fake me being dead? Or have someone turn me into a Thrall and just have me keep some venom on hand so the cravings don’t get out of control?”

“If you were a Vampire of any sort, you would owe some manner of allegiance to Nytemaire, and that Mare is a Madmare, my Sweet Carnation.” Hermione warned. “As you are, you currently don’t have the Mana to support becoming a stronger type of Undead.”

“And if we used some kind of sacrament with the blood of an unwed virgin?”

She blinked at me and laid a hand against her cheek cautiously, almost as if she were afraid that touching her fur was going to cause it to bruise. “... That would probably be… Unethical.”

“Let me worry about getting it and you worry about the sacrament, sweet cheeks.”

“We would need at least an amount dangerous toa person’s life to get any manner of desirable result.” Hermione protested vehemently.

I waved her off casually. “Hermi, Baby, chill. I got this, and no one has to get hurt.”

“... Do you plan on using your blood?” She asked.

“Maybe.”

“Oh. That’s actually a great idea; let’s not do that.”

“Right? Where do- Wait, hold up-”

“That’s right. Even if you hold no feelings for me, I do not want you hurting yourself. There will have to be another way. I’m sure I could borrow some Magic from a few of my Vassals, if they have the inclination to help someone cuter than me, that is.”

I gave her a look and rolled my eyes. “It barely hurts and I can heal as I bleed. Trust me, I probably already have a few mage’s worth of magic stored up, I just need to know how to die and come back to life when I want to be done with being undead.”

“I don’t know of any such spell, sadly.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t make one.” I scoffed. “I wrote my own fucking Rune Cypher in the course of eight months. Granted, I had an ancient teacher helping fine tune things, but still.”

Hermione stared at me in awe. “You pioneered an entire Cyper before your twenty-fifth year?”

“Yeet.”

“YAW BITCH YAW!” A harsh, rasping voice shouted.

Hermione and I looked around for the source of the voice, but it had apparently came from nowhere.

⋬❈⊛❈⋭

What? Was I supposed to sit back and do nothing?

₪ღ✮ღ₪

“...Oookay.” I said, a little creeped out. “Skipping that. I’m gonna go to our room and start filling the bathtub. Have as much food as three hungry Minotaurs could eat in a sitting as soon as you can, if you’d like to be helpful.”

She gave me a look. “You say that like food heals all wounds.”

“My MRP is in my heart; I get Mana back by eating, and I can even store a little extra around in my body, but it just depends. I generally get by through just hogging out and spending Mana as little as I can, but I’ve had to heal wounds over the past couple of days, and I don’t remember the last time I ate besides this right here.”

“Then eat something to settle your stomach before you start with the crazy, incredibly irresponsible thing you want to do.”

I gave her a look. “I can heal myself with a rune and be fine to start all over again within ten minutes. It’s not that irresponsible, so don’t-”

“Oh, I’m going to nag you.” She said. “Wives nag. It’s our right and our privilege, and I announce you as the man of the relationship.”

The stare we shared was awkward, but that was mostly because I wasn’t really sure of how to say ‘Fuckin’ h’wut?’ in any other way than, “I hate to widow you and turn ya down, but…”

“Non-negotiable.” She said, her tone baseline for a level of fear that Herodotus couldn’t instill in me, no matter his bluster or proven insanity. Hermione wasn’t crazy at all. No, the woman was sound of mind when she said, “I will not be some harlot to be used for pleasure once and tossed aside, regardless of whether or not either of us had a choice in the matter. Not once in the past seven thousand years has someone used me in that way, nor will today be that day.”

I raised my hands in a defensive gesture. “... Take things slow?”

“A fine compromise.” She said quietly. “We will find a more philapathic way to extract your blood so you’re not cutting yourself or anything of the sort.”

“It’s not like it-” Hermione gave me a steely look. “... So we can just go to a hospital and keep bringing super high calorie food in, right?”

“No, I will bring a doctor here to you and we will begin the extraction within the next two hours. Take your time to get around and know your staff, as it will surely help in the coming days.” Hermione answered a little curtly.

I didn’t really give a fuck as long as she wasn’t trying to kill me or fingerbang me again. “Yeah, sure… So is Bellony-”

“She is one of your staff members, and she was supposed to greet you. I, however, thought that you might enjoy my take on her disposition a little better.”

“Well, if you were acting like her, then she probably won’t suck.”

“She’s a lesbian.” Hermione added, giving me a once over.

I looked at me too. “I need to get manlier clothes.”

“Ah. Yes, you’ll definitely be the male in the relationship.” She snorted.

“No shit, I was born with a dick and I think like a man.” I grumbled bitterly.

“But don’t you-”

“I don’t even care what you’re going to say, the only thing I like about being a woman is how soft my hair is. That shit’s noice.”

“... There’s honestly nothing else you find enjoyable? You don’t enjoy attracting looks just for being beautiful? Or walking with your head held high as only a woman can? You don’t enjoy having the freedom to express yourself without judgement, pass judgement on others without reproach, or the other little perks that come along with the power of the clam?” She gave me the oddest of looks. “Honestly, when I was still mortal, the Tear-Drop was my favorite move. Cry for a second and everyone crumbles.”

“I ain’t a lil’ bitch tho.”

“Masculine pride.” She scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Look, just because it doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it’s worthless. Faking tears to get your way is pathetic. Gossiping is pathetic. Expressing yourself is soemthing anyone can do to the right person-”

“But how many men have people they can talk to like that, Jayne? How many of your former gender could honestly say that they could spill everything on their heart to their closest friends? Judgement notwithstanding.”

I took a second to actually think about my answer to that question, because I’d thought of it before while thinking of the aspects of masculinity that were actually kinda toxic more so than they were helpful. To be fair, there weren’t that many people I trusted with what was in the depth of my heart, though Diane was definitely my closest confidant in that aspect. It was hard to say for sure that guys in general weren’t afraid to break past the veil of stoicism we were supposed to keep as far as our emotions went, and it’s not like a lot of factors combatted the repressive mannerisms that got hammered into dudes when they were young. Get banged up? You’re a big boy, walk it off. Get your heart broken? Suck it up, stop acting like a bitch. Have a bad day? So what? Act like a man. It was kinda obvious to me how guys were supposed to act from a young age, just from paying attention to how I was raised and how my emotions were handled by people other than me, which… Yeah, prolly the reason I became so sociopathic, or rather, numbed out in the first place.

I mean, misandry really spiked when my Moms were young and men got the shaft for a decade or two before I was born, though a lot of the Old-School OG’s say that men got raped every single which way by the American legal system anyway, depending on the race on either side of the case, of course. I’d heard plenty of warning not to mess with White girls because one rape allegation could be my ass for life, and I actually knew of a couple of guys who got lynched and railroaded for crimes they legit didn’t commit while a few guys on the other end of the spectrum, serial rapists, were allowed to walk free with slaps on the wrists. Of course I knew of Chocolates and Vanillas that had their lives ruined by a single woman’s lies, and I knew the other end of the story when a victim didn’t get justice, despite there being hard proof.

There were plenty of little artifacts from the ‘10’s-’20’s that were abolished and outright repealed in 2040 with the election of the working man’s President, Bobby Ray Simmons, and many convictions of Fraud, Slander, Defamation of Character, and Perjury were passed around that year, and the statute of limitations? Extended to fit life sentences that were passed on innocent men in the first place. Oddly enough, a guy who used to think the Earth was flat and even had a song about government conspiracies would be the one to truly equalize the gender disparity in America, pushing for Egalitarianism across the world. Just a token of the good Max did for the world before he passed on, I guess.

As for answering Hermione’s question, I also had to take into account the way men were treated on Arkaid, and even though they’d swapped places with omen, my foggy memories made it seem as though it were more infuriating to have the opposite sex patronize me based on something I had no control over when I was dicked instead of dickless. That’s not to say that I wasn’t still pissed, it’s just that it felt less hateful when coming from Garrison or my ‘students’ and more like they were poking fun at me while acknowledging the fact that I could make them regret it. On Arkaid, I remembered constantly feeling like I was being looked down upon, seen as just a lump of dick, and a trophy more than anything else. I wondered if it was my male pride or my frankly terrifying powers that had caused the disparity, but then again, I was also watching the entirety of The Oblongs in reverence while seeing Shadbase images of the pale bitch.

“Y’know? I don’t like being a woman for the simple fact that I have to sit down to pee.” I said plainly.

Hermione flicked my nose. “You took nearly a full minute to think of an answer and that was it?”

“No, it’s just that I don’t want to use my current sex as leverage in any type of way because that shit’s dirty as fuck. It makes my morals hurt just thinking about it.” I rubbed my nose and glared at my new ‘partner’.

“Well, I certainly felt bad when you cried, though I was already feeling rather morose about the ordeal.”

I stared at her before slapping her across the face. “Wah.”

Hermione didn’t really react beyond a few minute nods. “Most of me is well aware of the fact that I deserved that, but there’s an iota of my being that thinks I should rip your ovaries out.”

“They’re novaries right now, and I’m glad that you’re far more rational and understanding than-” She kissed me before I could finish my sentence and grabbed a handful of my rear before she pulled away. “Oh… Okay.”

Hermione squeezed, making me shoot up to my tiptoes for some reason. “What about the fact that I’m practically primeval at this point?”

“Still come off as pretty pleasant, handsy tendencies aside.” I said, putting my hands on Hermione’s shoulders as she continued to bend down, trying not to fall over since I’m not a fucking ballerina.

She supported me readily. “Should I ask for another kiss?”

“The answer would be no, but take one knowing that I’m not mad about it.”

The kiss was brief, and so was the flicker of pain in Hermione’s eyes. “Loyal to a fault.”

“It’s fucked me before, I know.” I sighed.

Finally she let go of my ass and just brought me into a hug, though I was basically trying to decide to take a face full of squish or go under her mountains. I didn’t have much time to decide on one or the other since she chose for me, and thus was the squish. “... Jayne, you’re not going to want to hear this, but… You need to let them go before you get them hurt.”

I rested my chin between her breast and spoke into the front of her dress, for the most part. “... Without them, what am I supposed to keep going for?”

She gave me a sad smile and stroked my hair a few times. “When you’re living for someone else instead of yourself, don't you feel… Obligated, would be a good word.”

I didn’t need her to elaborate. I understood what she meant. “The obligations are what keep me going.”

“You should feel obligated to make yourself happy, Jayne.” Hermione whispered. “Other people will look out for themselves-”

“My girls look out for me more than I do them in their own ways.” I said back half-heartedly.

“Because you’d rather sacrifice your own flesh and blood for the power to protect everyone when you could’ve just left well enough alone… How much of this was even necessary, Jayne? Really? Was anything you did to protect your girls beneficial to them in the long run when you could’ve just kept your nose clean and lived a peaceful life?”

I wasn’t strong enough to shove an Alicorn older than most Ancient Dragons, so I used an old trick to find her nipples beneath her dress, which earned me a maude-ish blush before I seized them and gave her a Helluva Twister. “Shush.”

She winced, but that was about it. “You’ve never been with a Minotaur, have you?”

“You’re the only one on the list for this body. Unless you count Lujei and what she did.” I clicked my tongue on that one. “Mmm, those are some spicy flashbacks. Damn.”

Hermione hugged me again, but this time, I just cast a quick Levitation Spell to put me on her level, which gave us a moment to see eye to eye in a literal sense. Through Hermione’s eyes, I traveled through her past and gleaned pieces and parts of who she was from her actions and resulting feelings towards the result in the Big Picture. At every twist and turn, I saw a woman who was fighting for her life by being subductive and duplicitous. I saw a woman who’d lied, cheated legitimate Demons that were Intelligentsia, and stolen her way to the throne. But… It was what lie in her heart, guarded behind thick walls that she was still bore that made me sure of what to do.

The memories of her days alive when she was the Queen of Equestria? She colluded with Queen Azyre and what appeared to be Max in disguise to end many of the conflicts and civil wars that were breaking out like wildfire due to the massive population of the Wyld Lyres at the time, the Windigo Upheaval, and the initial aggression of the Naga Horde toward Draconia. I saw choices that left scars on her heart, and her own siblings on the floor when her father was assassinated by her eldest brother in a mad power-grab. Single-handedly, she’d had to kill them all as she was the most legitimate heir that King Pearce had, his only Queen having given him but one child before she too was slayed during another power struggle that I didn’t dig into. Beyond that, I saw the scared little girl, the twelve year old filly that was so much like young Twilight…

Hermione was… She was a warped, twisted individual who couldn’t tell if she genuinely cared about me. She… Hermione was a person who’d been stabbed so many times with a smiling face before her and a ‘friend’ behind her that she was mostly numb to the pains of the world, but she was a fantastic actress, and that was because she still cared. There was a part of her that was redeemable; a part that wanted to walk a decent path and took little steps to make sure she kept the suffering of the innocent to a minimum. However, I also learned that there was a part of her that wanted me in ways I was very… I mean, like… Nigga. The fuck? Who the FUCK wants a daughter they can sleep with!? Bricks in a wicker basket: That shit ground the gears to dust.

Mostly because I was kinda into it, but-

{You fucking perverted, Sylphic-}

[Oh. My. Gosh. Stop.]

Bruh, girl got her kinks, don’t judge. Also keep in mind that I’m literally bonkers as a Pinkie.

{I don’t think Pinkie eats Maud Pie.}

[Ugh, you know I know both of them, right?]

And you know there’s like, two or three more of them bland bitches, right?

[Whatever, who cares? Get back to the story, Mother-lover.]

Eat a dick. Anyway, as I was saying, it only took a split second to glean who Hermione was and what she wanted out of me from our relationship, so when she started to speak, I put a finger on her lips while I stared at her, unblinking until I let my eyes close to concentrate on what I wanted to do…

[...]

{...}

…

[So what’d you do?]

Deep breath, little sigh. “Hermione?” I asked softly, taking my finger from her lips.

“Yes, Mari Jayne?”

I licked my lips and prepared myself. “... What do you want from me...? What kind of relationship do you want between us?”

She gave me an easy smile that I saw straight through. “I just want to support an unfortunate soul who-”

“Think before you say something else. I want this to be a moment where we get this on the floor; any concerns or… Other things.”

Hermione’s smile faded a little as she stroked my cheek. “... Trust for trust?”

“You began our relationship with deception. There’s currently a deficit on your end.”

“I’m also older than most things that move. I don’t trust easily, Carnation.”

“... You never know what I might be open to.”

{Fah-ckin’ what.}

[Pffft!]

Shut up.

{...}

[... Keke-]

Fuckin’- Whatever.

{I never knew that was why- Holy shit.}

Keep talking. This one hasn’t met a foe worth being fired at.

[That’s a biggun’…]

The fuck I thought. Anyways, Hermione blinked and her brow furrowed slightly, her lips parting as she needlessly inhaled. It’s always bad when a Lich does something they normally don’t need to do, because it generally means that they’re about to do Lich shit. “... Did you enter my mind without my knowledge?”

“Your eyes are captivating.” I answered, smiling… Well, a little nervously. Say sum’. I fuckin’dareyou. No takers? Good.

Her odd look changed into a blank expression as her hands settled on my hips. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Well, I’m not exactly in your head.” I countered, not wanting to sound like I was leading her on.

Hermione rolled her eyes and gave me a little smile. “Jayne, would you rather be my Princess than my Queen?”

My face heated up and I looked down at her chest. “... S’long as your the only one calling me that, I guess it wouldn’t be bad.”

The Lich Queen leaned in close and I could’ve sworn I felt her fur on my cheek as she whispered in my ear, her cool breath sending chills down my spine. “Would Mommy’s Princess like to go and get something to eat?” I felt my face light up and I just settled for a nod instead of trying to trust my voice to speak, earning myself a chuckle from Hermione as she pulled away.

She kissed the corner of my mouth, probably trying to test the waters instead of kissing her new daughter on the mouth like a weirdo. After a quick assurance that food was to be sent to my personal chambers, ‘Mommy’ sent me to go get washed up while she went to go find some decent clothes for me. For a good while, I wondered just what the fuck I’d gotten myself into by asking to be taken under Hermione’s wing, but I already understood why I wanted to do it, and I was disappointed in myself for it within minutes. It honestly boiled down to me not wanting to be motherless anymore, or rather, I just wanted someone to love and care for me without having to worry about whether or not they’ll try to cross me…

Is that so wrong?

[Yeah, kinda. Whored yourself out for some sweet talk.]

{I understand where you were coming from. It’s essentially why Dissida fell for me.}

… Whatever. Once I got to my room, I found the bath, bathed, and then threw on a robe the hung off of me like it was made for someone two meters taller than I was because it kinda had been, but it was fine. Combing through my hair wasn’t as bad as when I was a dude, and when Hermione came with servants bearing a blood transfusion kit and a shitton of food, I figured it was for the best that I get as close to her as possible so she’d hesitate to kill me if it ever came to it. As it was, having my measurements taken sucked, and having the life drained out of me was pretty unpleasant, but it hurt less than doing it the old fashioned way, and I was able to eat as I bled, which meant that we were able to get the ordeal done faster.

Post draining and dressing, I was looking smart in a pantsuit and was ready to begin lessons with Hermione over the countries history and the current politics, though most of what she told me whs shit I could look into from Herodotus’ reign as King. That being said, I proposed a few new policies that made Hermione smile and suggested getting rid of a few redundant ones that made her give me another kiss in the same place as the last one. I was tempted to chase her lips and show her that I wasn’t as afraid of being what she wanted me to be, but when I returned her kiss, I balked and placed mine in the same place she’d put hers, my face rosy and still unable to quite put what I wanted from her into words. Of course, now I realize that I was just desperate for a motherly figure to show me love and affection since my own mothers had essentially disowned me and I couldn’t have contact with them anyway. Keep in mind that I wasn’t even legal to drink on my home planet at the time this was going on, so I was still kinda looking for someone to lean on in the absence of my closest friends and my lovers. It was… Pathetic.. Yeah, I know. I just…

{I understand. We don’t have to talk anymore for today. You just prepared your sacrament, right?}

Yeah, we didn’t do it until I got some sleep since it would be the last time I’d have the pleasure.

[Then I guess we can stop here.]

Cool.

Author's Note

Another one? So soon?

I must be up to something. I'd usually be up to something.

Mawmi phuq mii XXDD :raritycry::raritydespair::pinkiesad2:

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Landing Party

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Landing Party

✧❖☬❖✧

The day after Jayne and I cemented the plan, which was for me to start growing the Guild so we would have an independent power to push around, I started preparing to go back to Equestria without either of the people I’d come with. Instead, Maud was going to be coming back with me and I was going to be starting off my early recruitment by having Frieda spearhead my operations in Minosia. Dagger was going to be her second, and I’d already convinced Steely and Tangerine Breeze to take a case to Jayne’s Court as early as possible. The big lug actually had quite a few friends among the Xysma that were all fans of mine for freeing them of their oppressive father, so it wasn’t any big deal for him to smooth-talk his way into getting a couple of them to level false allegations of some kind against Tangerine. The trick was to get Steely to disprove their claim since they didn’t care about ruining their already mud-slathered titles, and that was about it for that piece of the pie.

Another slice of sugary goodness was for me to contact Celestia and have her stage a shouting match with Jayne over political matters in public, which would be easy enough to arrange since Celestia would hopefully see the wisdom in keeping things on edge between Equestria and Minosia before letting the bad blood dilute with a little time and stalling. We hoped that with the plan, suspicions about Jayne being from Equestria rather than from Bite-Back would fizzle out before they arose, but we could never be too sure of where our blessings would come, and they were often unreliable anyway.

As of the tale, I was spending the morning before my departure in Maud’s room, doing various physical rehabilitation exercises with Tangerine because I’d agitated the wounds I’d gotten from my fight with Herodotus and Ladesa. My fractured ribs were already mending, but my broken pair were going to need more help than Tangerine could provide in a couple of days. However, she could keep me in a functioning condition so long as I took it easy and didn’t do anything unnecessary. There were no shortage of volunteers as far as Ponies, Griffins, and Cats went to bring me whatever I needed, so I asked for a Tom named Calikat and a Tomcock named Teddison to stay when they cycled through my visitors because they looked interesting. They were both original Biting Wind members, and Teddison had been originally caught in the purge that had almost killed my crew. Both were fiercely loyal to my abilities and intelligence rather than my morals and prestige, which was definitely more adequate for leading rather than bossing people around.

Calikat was from the Sands and happened to be one of the few Cats around that managed to keep a single girlfriend instead of sleeping around like the rest of his race, which said something about his abilities to stay devoted to a cause. The fellow was interesting to say the least, in that he was perfect for sneaking around Grey Grotto with his streaky, striped grey coat and existence as a Cat, but what really caught my attention about his appearance were his orange eyes. They were a little unsettling, in fairness, but they also lended his gaze a certain warmth that a killer lacked. Of course he’d tasted blood, and my questioning was the reason I’d learned that, but it’s also how I learned that he still felt incredibly guilty about taking the lives of his three kills. He was a pure-ish heart who was mixed up in a business he really shouldn’t have had a part of, but his skills were valuable. Desmond always said that an alley cat who works for their scraps is a fool, but Calikat wasn’t really street.

He was honestly too good to be in Bite-Back, but with his sense of justice and willingness to follow ‘someone’ who had decentish morals, it was hard to pass up on the skilled pair of paws. I asked him to be a part of the Guild and he agreed in a heartbeat, even after I warned him that he may eventually have to be branded to receive certain magical boons. It was a good start, and when I met Teddison, I knew that the Griffin was a keeper for sure. Unlike the slim, slender Cali, Teddi was rather stocky; more of a bruiser type than anything else. His especially dark fur and dingy plumage made him look sketchier than Hell itself, but the guy had a great track record that Cali was quick to inform me of when he stopped by.

Teddison was a long-time Bite-Backer that had seen his fair share of grifting, infiltrations, and general thuggery, but his real specialty was in his bullshit detecting skills, apparently. The guy was notorious for being able to get every bit he was owed back in Bridleland where he was originally from, but even in Minosia he was starting to become infamous for being able to back up his tough talk. Of course I asked him to be some of my muscle since sharp objects that get swung hard do damage, and he had knives for fingers. He told me that the only way he was joining was if he didn’t actually have to steal from anyone, which might’ve been a problem if I didn’t just want the fellow as hired muscle in the first place. A quick dismissal of his worries and an assurance that stealing wouldn’t be in his agenda was enough to put his heart at ease.

I continued seeing new people throughout the day, but I kept my recruiting low-key, just in case anyone was getting any ideas of jumping Bite-Back’s ship altogether. It was a bit of an endeavor to make sure that I could get people to pay Guild fees to someone they trusted, but Frieda was one of the most trusted faces in Bonetown, even if the female population tended to be a little jealous. She had a natural charisma to her that made organizing the people I sent to her ‘as easy as freaking out a Pony.’, to put it in her words.

By the afternoon, I had around seven for-sure people that would be making decent income for the Guild, and I had five more that would get back with Frieda considering what they wanted to do. I had my fans, but mentioning Jayne often cinched the deal, though that was mostly because being assured that you weren’t going to rot in prison for stealing was pretty rad. However, I made it clear that the privilege of paying your way out of jail only came when you brought in enough gold to make it worthwhile to get your arse out. It might seem a bit cold, but pockets have to get greased to get people out of gaol in one piece without raising too many questions, and we can’t be spending all of our money on hopeless fools. I’d also made it clear that crossing the Guild would cost your life, and none of the oaths I had my visitors swear were to be taken lightly. The secrecy of the matter and ultimate importance were both to be kept as they were: On a need-to-know basis.

There wasn’t much I needed to do before I left that I couldn’t do from the comfort of Maud’s room, and that included eating and bathing since walking long distances alone kicked my tail like you wouldn’t believe. I could fly wherever I needed to go, but my injuries didn’t like having my Mana flow freely inside of me, which was a pain in the arse in and of itself. My healing factor left me feeliong itchy a lot of the time as my bones and bruises mended and faded, but it wasn't entirely unbearable. Other than that, however, the people who kept me company were pleasant, and the stories we shared between us usually ended in laughter that hurt, but was worth it. I’m pretty sure Calikat lied about shagging one of the Elements of Harmony, but knowing Pinkie, I wouldn’t say it’s impossible. I never did find out.

After I got all of my crap packed, I slept through the night as best I could. That is to say, I slept like shit and I woke up hating everything. I had to get a wagon for my shit before we could even get out of Bonetown because I couldn’t carry it all, which was a little humiliating. However, I got to use the closest Bite-Back entrance to the Teleportation Station, so it wasn’t that bad. Maud was quiet during the short walk there, and so was I, even during the breaks we took so I could get my breath back. Neither of us had anything positive to say at the moment, but we both found each other’s presence comforting. While I wasn’t aware of what was on Maud’s heart, I figured I’d wait until we were somewhere we could have a seat to ask what was clouding her mind.

Getting to the Teleportation Station took a lot longer than it should have, courtesy of broken ribs and a horrible climate. Still, we made it there in time to get cleared to go to Equestria, miss the jump, and have to wait an hour for the next one. The full. Damn. Hour. I didn’t have any manner of painkiller to numb the ache that was building through our wait, and my last dose of Opus had only been a few hours before anyway, so there was little I could have done other than grip Maud’s hand where we stood and sweat it out. By the time we actually got to Equestria, I barely made it out of the Teleportation Station before being brought back inside by the on-duty medical staff that apparently worked there.

Maud, not knowing that most Equestrian Teleportation Stations also doubled as urgent care clinics, thought that the people chasing after us as she helped me along were trying to arrest us or something. Instead of killing them all, she waited for them to get near and ask if they could take me in for evaluation to do anything since someone had evidently reported a beat-up guy with a mare fitting Maud’s description. We had no problems with free healthcare, and they even got me transported to a proper hospital soon enough. Unfortunately there weren’t any doctors that were experts in ortho-something-or-other to mend my bones at the time we arrived, and due to institutional racism, I was in the waiting room for nearly four hours before anyone came to see me. Multiple patients with less severe injuries had been seen and sent along before I’d gotten a chance to have a doctor tell me that I was overreacting.

My girlfriend convinced him otherwise.

Through the art of ‘subtlety’, ‘poise’, and ‘mental-manipulation’, which are not my descriptors, Maud managed to persuade the fellow who’d casually dismissed my yellowed and purpling flesh after blanching at the sight of the wound to give me a closer look. After that, I got an ‘x-ray’ that apparently let the weird Ponies see inside of me just so they could tell me that I also had a fractured collarbone and that I could probably use a brace for my left wrist. All of the fuss that was raised after I was nearly sent off without a second glance was astounding, but then the Manehattan Guard showed up and demanded to arrest the guy who was threatening people for free healthcare. Maud, using her status as a Pony and nothing else, vouched for my innocence and proved it by showing them my Citizenship Ring. I was entitled to everything I was getting, so they left after apologizing for the bother in the first place, and I stayed doped up until we got on the train to Canterlot.

I slept through the ride to the capital like a babe, and it was no surprise to me that Maud was in a similar state when I woke up, her head on my shoulder as if it had always belonged there. A dull thump hit me in the heart and my lips curled into a small, genuine smile as I carefully reached for Maud’s ears, rubbing them in order to get some nuzzles out of her while she slept. It was cute, a little painful, and definitely worthwhile as I sat back in my seat and waited for the painkillers to wear off again so I could think a bit more clearly. So far, there was a happy medium where I could actually get a clear thought out past pain and potent potions, but I wasn’t quite at it yet.

There was a brief amount of time during the walk to Canterlot Castle that I was able to tug my wagon along freely, but Maud and I ended up in a carriage before we made it halfway to our destination, the trip being pretty awful for me in many ways. Getting into the castle was easier than most of the rest of the journey since I was recognized at the gates and was instructed to wait in one of the shacks so they could bring me something called a ‘wheelchair’. Once I could move around on flat ground without life sucking too hard, Maud wheeled me into the Court Hall at Celestia’s earliest convenience, which happened to be right after her morning lessons with my sister, apparently.

I met Celestia in the Court Hall, but she moved us to a sitting room and sent Maud off to go wait outside so she could ask, “Garrison, why are you here alone?”

The Solar Princess’ gaze was cool and collected, most likely in an attempt to stare me down and squeeze the truth out of me. I had no intention of lying in the first place. “Ladesa’s dead. Jayne, formerly known as Jay, now rules Minosia with Queen Hermione.”

Celestia sipped her tea and held it in her mouth long enough for my gaze to wander around the room I found myself in. It was lavish, of course, as one would expect of the Princess’ own home. However, I noticed that there was an awful lot of Guild Green around, and that the room was generally of a different color scheme than the usual one that persisted throughout what I’d seen of the castle. The thought that the place had been decorated with me specifically in mind was quick to appear and was backed by Celestia’s general tactics. She was trying to sweat me instead of just debrief me, and it was annoying.

“If you have something to say-” I started.

“Do you have anything to say about the massacre in the Ironclad Keep?” Celestia asked, her tone chilly.

“... Are you implying that I did that?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.

“Did you?”

“No.”

“Hmm. I’d thought it sounded too messy for someone of your disposition.”

“By far. No, the only reason I went into the keep in the first place was to get Ladesa back, as you may remember from my constant updates.” I sent enough of the damn things.

It was Celestia’s turn to give me a skeptical look. “You never sent a single report on any of your activities.”

I leaned forward as far as I comfortably could and asked, “... If you weren’t getting my messages, then who was?”

“... I would reason that there was more in play than we originally thought. I’ll delve into the matter as best I can, but for the time being, I’ll see to it that you get a more reliable means of sending messages,” she answered absently, already lost in thought.

“There are more matters we need to speak on.”

“Yes, you mentioned that Jay changed his name-”

“Her name.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Jayne is a woman. Jameson is dead.”

Celestia’s look of confusion was tempered by a sliver of hope. “I forgot, to be completely honest with you. That Jay was a woman now, that is.”

“Jayne, but yeah.” I explained.

“I’m sorry, can you start from the beginning of that particular tale?” Celestia asked.

“I can tell you what I know, but there’s little I can say on the preceding events, Celestia. Jayne told me that she royally fucked up and got tortured out of her body after trying to summon something to deal with the looming threat that is Lujei-”

“So he tried summoning a Demon to deal with one.” She ‘asked.’

“Essentially. As it turned out, Lujei was watching and didn’t like his plan, going so far as to kill the man he was studying under and one of said man’s vassals as well. I don’t know much more than that beyond the fact that Jayne’s losing her mind completely and she needs a strong foundation to see her through the trials ahead.”

“And she’s the reason that there have been riots in Minosia?”

“Eeyup. Queen Hermione-”

“Who is this Queen Hermione?” Celestia asked, sipping her drink.

“An Alicorn-”

She choked and subsequently cleared her through the power of poise. “I beg your pardon?” The Princess asked calmly, dabbing at her mouth with a hankie.

“An Alicorn, as in a tall Pony with a horn and wings, was King Herodotus’ Queen. Apparently she’s Undead.”

Celestia stared at me for a solid ten seconds before blinking. “Buck.”

“Yeah, don’t try to bully Minosia. It won’t end well for anyone involved.”

She gave me a flat look and went to refute my accusation before I met her with an even flatter look and folded my arms. “Alright, so I may have been intending to strongarm a relationship with an enemy out of the power-vacuum that came out of the mission, but can you honestly say-”

“That I wasn’t expecting it? Of course I was expecting it: I’ve profiled you down to a ‘T’. As it is, I’d like you or Luna to initiate diplomatic relations with Minosia by starting an argument with Jayne in a public place over some political matter. The more people that are around to see the disagreeance go down, the better.”

She raised a brow at me and scoffed. “And that would only serve to incense further clashes between the nations. Equestria would survive-”

“Maybe. Depending on who tries to take you down and how many people come around to help,” I answered sharply. “Look, Celestia: You’ve got the most enemies on the planet. There isn’t a soul in Minosia that likes you, and many of those souls come from other countries that also hate Equestria. Sparking an alliance after a personal conflict with Jayne would show that you both want for prosperity in both of your nations as well as give you a bloody ally.”

“You want me to ally myself and my nation with a Demon-Summoner and an Undead Alicorn? Garrison Varas, have you lost. Your. Mind?”

“I don’t give a shit what you want to do. This is something you need to do,” I spat harshly, making her expression grow dark. “You need to fake mean and make nice with the current Queens before the world unbalances further. We ourselves have just caused open riots in Minosia, which is going to cause an awful lot of trouble for Twilight’s partner. That’s not even mentioning the fact that we’ve had two planet-making beings start fiddling with whatever wherever for their own reasons.”

“Speak to me like-”

“I don’t care.”

Celestia pointed at me faster than I could move and a beam of pure light shot forth from her finger, but it never made it to my person. The one Alicorn I truly liked had finally shown her face, my attacker’s Magic getting cancelled by Kauku’s tail as it billowed in the ever-flowing breeze. I achingly rose to greet my greatest crush and offered her a much larger smile than the one she gave me. I didn’t mind that she seemed more amused than impressed since I just liked that she was around, and the kiss she placed on my temple was appreciated, especially since it eased my pains.

“I see you’re stirring things up,” Kauku said smoothly, her voice melting through my ears like butter in a hot skillet. “You know, Minosia was messy.”

My smile took a dip to the point where it faded completely when I realized her expression wasn’t changing. “... You can’t expect me to remember my tactics from a thousand years ago. I used to be an assassin. I’m a hunter now.”

“Paltry excuses,” she said as she stroked my cheek, “that amount to dozens upon dozens of your allies dead as well as one of the strongest tools in your arsenal. You barely passed the first trial.”

My gaze slid down her form and settled on the floor, the weight of the shame on my shoulder transitioning back from anger into its original form. “... I did what I thought was best.”

“And you cost yourself plenty,” Kauku said airily, sighing as she turned to Celestia. “Garrison will still receive the full reward for slaying Herodotus, and you’ll be sending Jayne a peace offering before asking Twilight to be your Ambassador.” The Princess’ jaw hung open as Kauku carried on. “Try to defy me and I’ll have a few particularly nasty beasts visit her, and then I’ll personally invade your body and make you order her to leave the country before her mind is healed.”

Celestia spoke in ellipses.

“Furthermore, are you listening Garrison?” Kauku looked over her shoulder before turning slightly so she could face me more easily. “If you fail a trial, your soul will be cast out. There is no reason for you to be dredging the pages of your own story in the blood of your friends.”

I nodded, unable to meet her gaze. “... Yes, Mistress. I understand.”

“Thank you for being polite enough to respond.” She took a step toward me and tilted my chin up, trying to get me to look her in the eye. I couldn’t muster the courage, but her Magic took me over and brought my line of sight around to meet hers. “You know, you should have been able to kill Herodotus alone, yet you didn’t. You should’ve been able to kill Odysseus for good more easily, but your hunt took hours. You are proving to be a disappointment, Garrison.”

“I-I’m… I’m sorry,” I uttered.

“For what?” She asked lightly.

“... For disappointing you.”

She smirked and patted my cheek. “You’re not disappointing me yet, Garrison. You have time to improve on your performance before I send you to Serpest.”

My resolve tried to harden to the best of its ability as I asked, “What will it take to make you proud?”

“... Hmm…” Kauku considered it for awhile, tapping her chin with a finger. “If you manage to lose the right person, then I’ll be proud.”

“... What?”

“You’ll know eventually~” She sang, her voice brightening and sounding just like Twilight for a moment.

“I-Is there anything I can ask about the next mission?”

She held up an envelope and passed it to me, an odd symbol stamped onto the front in intricate waxwork. “It’s mostly detailed in here. Don’t worry; you shouldn’t have to kill anyone, so just don’t choose unwisely.”

“... That’s not foreboding at all.” I murmured softly.

Kauku passed me the envelope and shrugged. “Well, considering that if you fail it’s going to mean an eternity in a Hell that you can’t fuck your way out of, I’d say you have good reason to be worried. I’m not Max. I don’t punish everyone for one person’s mistakes. I punish one person for everyone’s mistakes, or rather, I make bad people take on better people’s sins.” Her smile chilled my blood, made my bones vibrate. “You’re not exactly a good person, you know. Max thought you had the right stuff to take his place, and he wasn’t quite wrong, but he levied a lot of his meager hopes on you. Prove to be worthy of his faith and I’ll take off some of your time in Hell. Fail my husband and you’ll get his time in Hell, his other wife’s, and some odd years that I’ve been saving up just for a special occasion.”

So not my favourite. So. So very not my favourite. “... O-O-Okay.” I managed.

She patted my cheek and smiled. “Don’t worry! What happens happens, you know?”

“... Y-Yeah.”

Kauku kissed the tips of her fingers and placed them on my lips, the warmth that radiated from the contact doing me no favours in calming down. If anything, it just made me feel like she’d harpooned me and was keeping the rope grasped tightly so I wouldn’t get too far away. “I didn’t used to be like this.”

I blinked. “... What?”

Her smile deepened and her eyes filled with black tears, her voice warbling between an old Crone, a young woman, and the voice I knew from her. “I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be nice and sweet. I used to be loving and kind. Give me your Aetera and we can wipe the slate clean.”

I tried to take a step back, but I fell into the chair I had barely moved away from in the first place. My heart started pounding as Kauku leaned down, placing her arms on either side of my head while her tears started falling down her cheeks. “K-Kauku?”

The rivulets of liquid onyx coalesced on the tip of her chin before dripping down to burn straight through my leg. I barely even had time to register that it had left my leg feeling a little hot before the limb was overcome with the feeling of what I assume to be exploding from the inside out. Unlike how one would expect, the pain was so great that I couldn’t feel it in the moment. My leg simply went from existing on my body to being a nonmoving object that was attached to me in the span of a blink. When the second tear hit my leg, I recognized the damage that was being done and tried to move, but I was frozen. Then, just as quickly as I’d lost the usage of my leg, it came right back. The sensation of pins and needles driving themselves deep into my muscles was unpleasant. Rather lime-sucking, actually. Before I could scream, Kauku shoved a bit in my mouth for me to bite down on, and bite I did.

While I did my best to make my mouth hurt as much as my leg, Kauku dripped another pair of toxic, impossibly caustic tears onto my other leg before she grabbed my hands and used them to clear her face. Nearly half of both thumbs melted against her fur and turned into gas-

{Sublimated. They practically sublimated against her fur.}

Sure. I saw bone on my ruined hands when Kauku let me have them back, her voice still trying to decide which age she actually was. “I remember when I had friends. When I had a family. I remember when I wouldn’t be taking this all out on you.”

If I could’ve said anything, it would’ve been something along the lines of some mad babbling. I’d rather have been eaten a few more times than sit through the relatively brief time it took for the Empress’ raw negative emotion to sink into my bones and start changing me. I couldn’t voice my concerns because I didn’t actually have any other than making the pain stop at the time; so lost in the moment that it didn’t matter when Kauku gave her attention to Celestia for a few moments before returning to tell me why she was making life worth dying for. The blackness I hadn’t noticed through the agony began to fade from my vision and the tears stopped flooding from my face as I breathed for the first time in what felt like eons. Kauku’s smile greeted me when my body relaxed and I realized something:

My back felt funny.

“Well? How does your punishment feel?” Kauku asked, her voice normal.

I closed my eyes and just let the relief that was coming in waves calm the ache that existed in me as Celestia said, “What in Tartarus…”

The Empress tapped my nose, making my heart flub a beat. “Think of it as a backhanded compliment in corporeal form.”

My arms felt like lead as I tried to hold up my hands, but my body wouldn’t cooperate with me. “Why?”

“Because I’m not me anymore.” She patted my cheek and disappeared, leaving me to slump over on the sofa.

I passed the fuck out, feeling drained of all energy and motivation to do anything other than try and forget the teaspoon of Kauku’s wrath that I’d been forced to swallow. My dreams collided with memories and made unholy abominations that were nonsensical to say the least, but coming to wasn’t that rough, all things considered. However, when I sat up from the cold stone floor I currently resided on, I saw that I wasn’t in the sitting room anymore. No, I seemed to be in a cell of some kind with solid white bars on one wall and no window. The walls were all grey and faded, the odd streaks of blood long dried occasionally coloring a patch of bricks, giving the place a feeling of desolation. Madness lurked in the cell, but even as I tried to process what had happened after I’d started falling to the side, I couldn’t piece together just what the bloody fuck had happened.

Then I saw my hands.

From the tips of my claws up to my elbows, my arms were blackened and gnarled, though I could feel everything just fine. My... Flesh(?) bore the weight of my claws with no problem, but my normal flesh parted all too easily at the acuminated tips of the appendages. My blood caught my attention before I could fully examine my arms, and the nearly oil-like quality of the fluid made me worry. It didn’t look right, feel right, smell right, or taste right, and that worried me more than being in a cell. My blood felt like some manner of fat, smelled like charcoal, and tasted like ashes and carob rather than being coppery like normal. It took me a moment to get over that and actually muster up the courage to look over my shoulder at the thing that shouldn’t have been there, but when I turned away out of shock, I saw that the one wall that was bare had turned into a mirror. The… Things on my back… A pelagic Cormorant came to mind with the greenish sheen they had since I’d never known of a black opal. The other colors that were represented near the tips in different layers were mostly just shades green or greenish-blue that probably came across in different hues due to the lightening of the feathers from top to bottom, but the damn colour of the plumage wasn’t what ate me up.

I sat on my knees and stared at myself, twitching along with the things. I tried to move the left one, to maneuver it in some way so that it would fall off (With luck, that is), but I could only manage to stretch them both at the same time, the tips of my wings furling against the sides of the room. They truly were massive, but even as I tried to process the fact that I was some sort of Dæmon, more hard truths came to light. My eyes met themselves in the mirror and I saw slitted pupils from where I knelt, my green eyes having gone to an unfortunately not-green kind of color. For a moment I wondered why the fuck my eyes were suddenly blue when I realized that it looked as though burgundy blood was spreading underneath my skin, looking rather worrisome when I’d have rather not have been worried.

After a few breaths to ignore what I was feeling, I realized that I wasn’t just having a horribly bad dream after all. My wings locked in place while I stared at myself for a good while before they decided to fold on their own, feeling considerably more like a rucksack after they did. I could still see them over my shoulders, and my hands were still claws, so I decided to see if I could use my fingers to cut myself out of my cell. I couldn’t get through the white material, but there was nothing else to do in the cell other than sit on the floor since there was no chamber pot or any manner of bedding. When I started to get a little chilly, my wings saw it fit to wrap themselves around me, which was actually kind of cozy. My feathers were actually a little coarse to the touch, but they were warm.

When Luna came to visit, I was sure to give her a smirk that I wasn’t honestly feeling for the sake of bravado. “Has my heroine come to save me, or are you going to give killing me a good go?”

“So thou hast awoken. This is good news, though thine form…” Luna stroked her chin, ignoring my words for what they were.

“Yeah, how do we turn me back and where is Maud?” I asked, stroking the inside of my wings.

She gave me a look. “Art thou touching thineself?”

“Technically? Yes. Conventionally? No. I’m feeling my feathers.”

“So thou art touching thineself. Stop.”

I let my hands rest on the tops of the things and rested my chin on them. “Why did Kauku turn me into a Dæmon?”

“According to Celestia, it was a result of thine punishment, though I fail to see how giving you wings and claws was a punishment. As for thine lover, since thou hast not brought her up again, was instructed to return to her home in Jolly Junction.”

“Getting the wings and claws hurt,” I grunted, filing the information about Maud away for later. “How do I turn back?”

“By going to Serpest and meeting with the Queen,” Luna said gravely. “She shall have a task for thee, though there has been no word as to what the task may be. Celestia has already arranged for you to take a Ranger with you as a partner.”

“Lovely. How long do I have before I have to go to that?”

“Life moves at thine own pace for the time being. No deadline was given for thine assignment.”

“So get it done as soon as I feel like it. Got it.” I nodded and got off of the floor, standing and stretching along with my wings. They stretched as I did, eliciting a blush from Luna when my the tips and a little more extended out of the room and through the cell doors. I didn’t understand why, but I did know that I was grateful for my wings folding when they did. “Can you let me out of here?”

She raised a brow. “The door is unlocked.”

“Oh.”

“This room is only warded against the evil and those with violent intentions. If thou art of sound mind, thou should be able to leave of thine own volition.” She stepped out of the way as I pushed the door open. “Voila.”

“Interesting. I figured you would have been leading me into a trap of some kind.” I said noncommittally.

“Wrong sister.” Luna huffed.

“I see. Say, Luna?”

“Yes?”

“Would you consider us to be like-minded individuals?”

“To a certain point, yes.”

“Would you mind assisting me with something?”

“That would depend on thine task, we suppose.”

“I want you to convince Celestia to start an argument with Jayne whenever she can, and I want you to be the one to ‘mediate’ if you catch my drift.”

Luna tilted her head at me. “... An interesting ploy. What doth thou get from this?”

“It’ll eventually go into cementing the relationship of Equestrian and Minosia into being something resembling an alliance. Neither country has many friends, and it wouldn’t hurt for a little love to be shared.”

“Again, what doth thou have to gain from this?”

“Freedom to move between both countries at a moments notice and the ability to maintain allies in both nations.” I answered honestly.

“A worthy endeavor, if I may weigh in. I would like that thine resources be available to me for a task of my own in the future, should I hold my end of the bargain.”

“Of course, though I must warn you about making deals with Dæmons.” I smirked at her.

She folded her arms. “Hmph. So you say.”

I looked around the hall because there was nothing else to do. “How do we leave?”

“Follow us and we shall show thee the way.” Luna announced, taking off at speed.

Following along, I took stock of the fact that my body only ached with chills rather than with the pain of broken bones, thankful for the trade. It was welcome to say the least, though I eventually got tired of walking anyway and decided to float along next to Luna, my magic coming to me even more naturally than it usually did. It was a no-brainer for me to see that my form enhanced my Mana manipulation, or rather, the speed of it more than the raw power. I also couldn’t feel any change in the depth of the pool, but that was about all I could tell. From watching and talking to Luna, I could tell that she was interested in something about me, though I couldn’t quite decipher what it might have been other than my wings.

Then I remembered that I was currently on a long, drawn out mission to save the world and it got to be a lot more obvious.

A few minutes into our walk, I started asking Luna about herself; just some ‘getting to know you’ type things and whatnot. She responded positively by keeping the conversation flowing and fun with little secrets that only she was privy to while I tried to keep her entertained with some of my more memorable tales. The Lunar Princess responded much more readily to my bloodier tales, though when I asked about her thirst for violence, she mentioned that fights used to be public for the sake of entertainment and keeping the populace content. The idea of reinstating some sort of dueling system had passed through her lips multiple times over the years she’d been back, and I didn’t doubt the veracity behind her words for a single second.

During my long walk with Luna, I felt as though I found an apt image of her character amidst her stories and sidetracking. While the woman was distrusting of people at first glance, she appreciated the frank honesty I presented when I felt the need to throw the facts onto the table and the subtle maneuvering I did when I didn’t want to show my whole hand. Whereas I admired her diplomatic prowess and negotiating ability, she admired my appraisal skills and similar tactics when it came to fighting. She was more fond of the hunt rather than the battle, though she actually got some joy out of besting an opponent on whatever battleground she might have been fighting on. In other words, Luna was a long-winded, skeptical, brutally honest, sometimes sneaky, ultra competitive Warrior Princess with a big stick that she couldn’t wait to bash against someone’s hide for the sake of getting her blood pumping again.

We made a deal to eventually go hunt a Lizagator with bows whenever we both had the spare time. She mentioned that she only ever got a couple of cases over the night that generally amounted to casual racism from dumb fools in the first place, so no one would be missing much if she told her steward to disregard the stupid deliberations. As it turned out, Lizagator was supposed to taste like chicken, but I wanted to fry it and Luna wanted to make a chowder. We agreed to hurry up and get our meat so we wouldn’t come up with even more complicated methods to cook our food before we actually managed to get it, just in case life disappointed us.

Once we got to a certain room that seemed a little familiar, Luna stuttered on an invisible step and moved along without doing anything to indicate that she’d nearly stopped. “Something on your mind?”

She glanced at me and carried on. “Defying our sister will have consequences. Thou are not the only one subject to her will,” Luna said softly.

I raised a brow. “Would you happen to know of any other Power-Players under her thumb that would rather not be?”

Luna’s forehead-jewel thing lit up for a moment and flashed. “We can get thee a list of names to contact for the day ahead. It’s nearly dawn as of right now, and Celestia is asleep. If thou wouldst begin at sunset, we can ward thee from her vision until the end of nightfall. Our plan to go hunting will serve as our cover.”

I passed her a sidelong glance. “... Luna?”

“Yes?”

“Would you be interested in a partnership of sorts?”

“Why, we were just wondering if thee were in a low enough place to become a worthy friend.” She responded a touch playfully.

I touched her shoulder with a fist. “I think this will be the beginning of a very fruitful friendship.”

“We should most likely still insist that we dislike each other outside of the public eye.”

“I’ll default to your wisdom on the matter. I’ll be sure to act as a secret admirer whenever I want to send you gifts.”

Her cheeks visibly reddened at my words, though her smile was more smug or smarmy than anything else. “Oh? Thou would forsake thine lover so easily?”

“Forsake her? No, not quite. I like to give my friends gifts.”

“Were we mistaken to assume that there was more than the bonds of alliance between us?”

“Not quite, but Maud would have to approve of you before anything were to evolve beyond friendship. I’m less interested in having you as an enemy than as a close friend, though.”

She leveled a cool look at me, more entertained than anything. “We suppose a Princess is always going to want what she can’t have. We look forward to working with thee, Garrison Varas.”

“Likewise, Your Grace.”

Luna gave me a minute smile. “It seems patronizing when those words escape thine lips.”

“It’s truly not meant to sound like that, it’s just that I have diplomatic immunity.” I grinned like a shark after a seal.

She passed me a look. “Did Jayne give unto thee a position in her Court?”

“Spymaster~”

“Bully for thee,” Luna huffed.

“Oh, are we jealous that someone else got first dibs?” I asked, actually trying to be a bit condescending.

She rolled her eyes. “Please. There are more capable men in our ranks as they are. Thine place would be little more than as a smart-mouthed pet.”

“Sounds like a comfortable retirement to me,” I snorted.

“Remember that there is no rest for the wicked.”

I felt my bare chest and tried not to cut myself. “There also aren’t any shirts for us eith-” My wings wrapped around me. “Never mind.”

Luna casually reached out and plucked one of my feathers, but it didn’t really hurt. I imagined that it would be unpleasant if someone grabbed a fistful. As I thought about lemons and how they sucked, she tried tickling me with my own feather. It didn’t work well for her, and she wouldn’t let me have one of her feathers in turn, saying that hers were more valuable than mine since hers were prettier and softer. I argued that my wings were more interesting because of their iridescence before the one closest to Luna flapped itself and whapped her off of her hooves, ending the argument in my favor. She had a couple of my downy feathers in her mouth, but I figured that she would live with it and get up on her own time.

My inattentiveness and flippant treatment got me a swift hoof to the butt, though my arse cheek was fine after a few paces to walk it off. Luna caught up while my wing was wrapping itself back around me. “Thou art a crow.”

“Well, I’ve got crow feathers.” I commented.

“Thou couldst not offer thine assistance?”

“I think my claws would do your hands few favours.” I held them up.

She gave me a look and tried whapping me with her wing, but it had considerably less effect than mine. It was probably because one of my wings had the surface area of both of hers, but semantics. I plucked one of her feathers for myself and earned myself a mouthful for my efforts. “Thine arm still serves its purpose.”

“It’s for lifting valuables-”

“Is a Princess not most valuable?”

“Royal blood spills all the same.” I replied drily.

She folded her wings completely and huffed. “True, though thee would do well to remember thine tongue and where it wags. Speaking treason-”

“Diplomatic immunity.”

“Curses.”

I used Luna’s feather to tickle my chin before smelling it. “Hmm? Curious…”

She gave me an odd look, her face pinkening when she saw that I was effectively smelling her. “What art thou doing with our feather?”

“It smells of blueberry candies.” I said, making a pleased face. “What does my feather smell of?”

She glanced ahead of her to check that her path was clear and gave my feather a sniff. “Charred peppers…. Curious indeed.”

“I find it odd that Ponies smell like food to Humans and Humans smell like food to Ponies.”

“Keep thine tongue to thineself.”

“I’ll give it to someone who will appreciate it, thank you very much.” I grunted in turn.

As we continued walking and flirting with barbs attached, I became increasingly aware of the feeling of being watched, something that Luna warned me of just before the feeling solidified. Apparently she was going to catch an earful for not doing something Celestia wanted her to do, although she said it with a smile and a devious glint to her eye. I found that Luna’s mean streak seemed to fall well in line with my own, being more subtle and insidious than most people’s would be. We were both plotters; schemers that weren’t afraid to get our own hands dirty in our plans when we wanted them to be done right, and done damn right at that. When Luna left me with one last parting piece of wisdom, I was a little more sure that I’d found a worthy ally and a cunning companion.

When Luna almost dropped me off in the castle Gardens, she said, “There are snakes in every patch of tall grass and hanging from every tree here in Canterlot. Thou would do well to watch thine step.”

I nodded solemnly, our conversation having shifted from how Aria was currently doing to the dangers of Equestria. “You don’t need to remind me, though the thought is appreciated.”

She nodded in turn, leading me to the edge of the Gardens to look over the mountain before saying anything else. “... Garrison.”

“My attention is yours.”

“... We were right to leave thee in Minosia, if we may say such a thing.”

“Would you take it back if I said it hurt my feelings?”

“No.”

“I thought not. What else is on your mind?”

“... Thine path… In part it was decided by not just thineself, but by our- my own hand. In leaving you in Minosia, I believe I was the first fork in the road Max the Creator cobbled for you. For this, I do not know whether to ask forgiveness or to ask a favour.”

I looked at Luna as she stared off into the Wild Blue Yonder, taking in and digesting what she’d said for a moment. It was quite true that I could lay the blame for my initial suffering in Minosia on her, but in the same vein, I could also thank her for every little blessing I had at the moment. It took a few minutes for me to end my deliberation, but the verdict was still flaky at best. There was nothing I wanted nothing more than to let Luna know that I was mildly annoyed that she’d been the reason I’d been under Odysseus’ thumb, but then again, if she hadn’t left me to die, he would still be terrorizing Bite-Back Minosia and abusing the Xysmas as he saw fit.

“... I don’t care,” I answered with finality. She turned to me, a certain confusion in her eye that made me wonder about her.

“... What doth thou mean?”

“Fate is Fate. This life is destined to conclude as all have begun. Every event is meant to happen. Most of them will flow as water, some will take the tides. All will come to pass.”

“We believe we could debate that topic, but it would be for little other than conversation."

I looked out to the lightening horizon. “... My time is my own for now, is it not?”

We waited for a moment, pausing for an interruption that never came. “We believe we may make the assumption.”

“Then have at thee, ye olde Crone!” I barked.

She applied her wing to my face via fwapping. “Be silent. If we were a dour grandmother, thou would be a shady uncle.”

“At least I’m not incestuous.” Careful wasn’t even close to the word for how I moved her wing from my face. After all, one wrong move with the claws and she could be grounded for a some time.

Luna rolled her eyes. “T’were thine words sincere, we might find offense.”

“If you weren’t only interested in me because your sister said I was a naughty boy, I might need to make up an analogy fast and say it before I end this sentence. Damn.”

As intended, the beauty that both wore blue and was blue burst out into snorts and giggles, silencing herself as best she could while looking away from me. “Sussed out so easily and with a firm reminder of your level of idiocy! Dear Moon above, art thou just guessing at life?”

My brows furrowed and I thought about that way too hard. “... Is that not normal?”

The look on her face was bewildering.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I sat on the modified throne, having spent a couple of days learning a bunch of bullshit in one of Hermione’s pocket dimensions. I’d had to learn a lot about Minosian history, legal precedent, ceremonial bullshit, political tides, noble families: The Works. It was all ridiculous and equally boring, but then life got even more boring during the first day of my official reign. My first act was to address the concerns from other ruling parties about some riots that were being squashed around the country, and my second act was to announce that Hermione would remain as Queen in the same sense as she’d been before.

As for the sacrament that we’d been handling before, it had gone off without a hitch and I was now a Yokai instead of being some other thing that was actually dead. The red eyes were a little much, and the general feeling of constantly being warm kinda sucked, but at least I got a few cool powers out of it. Apparently I could now summon Tartaric Demons as long as they had less Magic than me, and my blood was incredibly potent now seeing as how it was both pure and corrupted. Both were boons that came at the cost of little fucking horns coming out of my bangs that pissed me off constantly. They made brushing my hair a pain in the ass, and they just looked out of place on me. It didn’t really help that I was as pale as Lujei now and looked pretty evil, but apparently I was just cuter than I was before.

It pissed me off. Not as much as the tiny vestigial wings, but still.

Or the tail the tail for that matter.

Fuck tails.

With my ears being pointed and my hair being a little brighter, I looked less Human and more demonic than I did when I was a guy, though it had its perks. The women of the castle were more friendly toward me since I apparently looked like a Dryad during the fall rather than a strange, alien creature they’d never seen before. The men were still wary of me for the most part, though many stayed stoic and showed me nothing but courtesy whenever I addressed them. My appearance change had helped me along in getting accepted into the ranks of the castle itself, and the shows of strength and pure instinct didn’t hurt in getting my conspirators to shut down the operations for a little bit.

Hermione offered to sit with me through my first day of Court, but I didn’t particularly need her to be there or anything. I was actually in the mood for some quiet condescension and political maneuvering since the sociopath in me was snapping at the bit, ripping the reigns in twain and barely keeping the carriage on the road. Shit was brutal, and my first few cases were ended in less that three sentences apiece. The first case was a land dispute. All I needed to say on that was ‘Why haven’t you had a surveyor examine the deeds and see who owns what?’. It was painfully simple to solve that problem, and since I said it in a nice way, I got blushes from both of the older Bulls.

That pissed me off. Not as much as the creepy grins, but still.

After that case, the Cow and Tom that came in over a larceny dispute got a quick tongue-lashing that was over within the three-sentence limit. The Cat stole the thing, so I made his ass go to jail since he couldn’t pay for the thing and wasn’t willing to work off his debt. The cow got compensated on Cat-Guy’s behalf, and Cat-Guy was going to be trying his hand at carpentry in the future to pay the nation back. All was going good until some dumbass noble brought in a case against a peasant, though there was a saving grace in the matter that happened to be the peasant’s status as a Minotaur. I set a certain precedent for being more fair than Herodotus by ruling against the nobility, but it was necessary to prove that I wasn’t beating meat in lieu of getting on with changing things.

I didn’t get pissed off. It was nice.

I’d taken my first three appointments back to back since I could, which gave me half an hour to see into the world at large and be a cheating cunt in the worst of ways. In essence, I used Super-Sanity to dive into Celestia’s past, fragmented my consciousness because I’ll get to it and sought out the current world leaders before diving into their pasts. The Info Clerk at the Stream of All Things Known traded what I wanted for a few dozen years at a very reasonable price for once. I only had to give up a legit limited edition copy of Christ Jewman: The Shekel-Heckle Hustle on CVE (Creme and Viscous-Ectoplasm), which I had tons of. I found them all in Yesu’s trash can when I visited the Universal Dump. Yeah, a few on the top were a little smited, but the guy was funny in his prime. No reason to ruin some of his best work.

Anyway, the reason I was able to hustle so fucking hard was because the clerk thought Mari looked like the right kind of submissive and I looked like I was abusing her, apparently. I mean, I don’t know how he told us apart since Siamese ain’t the word, but it got us a great discount and a decent rebate on top of that. Mari got foundation and concealer while I got a belt and a young branch as thick as my thumb and as long as my arm.

[Stop chuckling. Asshole.]

{Well we know Jayne wasn’t abusing her, so why is it not funny?}

Right?

[You’re both going to Hell.]

{And you’re not?}

[Nnnope! Amelemme will take me in!}

After you go to Hell. It’s literally been stated multiple times between your Uncle and I that everything goes to Hell. You’re going to Heeelll.

[Sh-Shut up and tell the story!]

Heh. Sure. With our gifts from the clerk in hand, I still had to splinter my mind into a few different pieces to cover King Heinrich of Grydrien, Queen Bast of The Great Sands, High ‘King’ Azyre, and Reigning Supreme Ynuntu of Serpest. That was like walking over a cake that was made of concrete that had been ribbed for your strolling pleasure, except the cake was an escalator with padded steps and a minibar that had some Zap Applejack in ornate glass bottles. Free of charge, of course. I ‘drank’ my information and let the tides of hundreds upon dozens of years wash over my feet since Mari accidentally found out how to disentangle our souls while remaining in the same ‘pocket’, so to speak, due to the fact that I was barely a presence in the abomination anymore. My fragmentation did mean that I risked losing a part of myself to the ebbs and flows of sanity, but that wasn’t really a concern. I was beyond caring because I just was.

With my mind between the current rulers of Equis, I took the couple of shards that were still with Mari and had her hold onto one. She ate it, like a fucking bitch I might add, but it was all good in the end. The fragments in the piece of garbage that was Mari Jayne were officially small enough for her to push herself away from them and leave my primary Aspect as my original body, but back when I was like, thirteen. I didn’t know how Mari treated that form while I was doing my research because I didn’t give a shit about it and figured that she’d get something out of having someone around that didn’t hate her. I didn’t care that I was technically me again because I still couldn’t muster the proper image to change Mari’s body into a guy, then into a different race, different Clan, and subsequently make the bodily adjustments to be me again.

To explain, the Yokai in me ate a lot of my emotions, but it’s not because it was ‘Demon Form’ edgy bullshit. It didn’t do anything other than level me out, and that should have made me incredibly depressed because it meant that without someone around to make me give a damn, someone who I genuinely thought cared, I was a prick. Pretty much fifty percent ‘Leave me alone before I summon a demon, Demon, or ghost of some kind to make you regret your decisions in life.’ and fifty percent ‘Why are you not doing things the most optimal way to save time, energy, and resources?’. In other words, becoming a Yokai and having Mari separate herself from me made me more Jameson, but less Jay.

{You’re going to have to explain.}

… It essentially meant that the worst parts of who I was were surfacing all over again, and life was yet another game. I had a hand full of cards and a deck beside me, and I was waiting for any fool to come and try to pit their cards against mine. To a point, I was so confident, or rather, so apathetically inclined that it was basically arrogance, that I was willing to play fucking Pokemon against Hearthstone or some shit, just to prove that I didn't give a fuck about the rules.

[That doesn’t make any sense…]

I was insane.

{The Reign of The Mad Queen.}

Eeyup.

[So that’s why you’ve been rambling about being crazy and uncaring! I thought you were just complaining.]

No, it was exposition for the reasoning behind the rest of my cases in the day, and the edicts I made in between. Most of my cases were between Minotaurs, so I just had to make decisions that I felt were adequate for the situations. Thus, I instituted a copyright and patent system that I had sorted out in two breaks, bureaucratic positioning and paperwork numbering all included. After that, some dumbass gave me a really good reason to both arrest him and the entirety of his male family while simultaneously establishing seventeen as the age of consent as well as the legal age of marriage in Minosia. That caused outrage within the ranks of the nobles since a lot of them were pedophiles, which meant a good number of them invoked Duel Rights to come and challenge me for the right to nail minor Minotaurs.

I didn't lose once in thirteen matches, and some of those were against Cows.

Which is how I ended up with twenty-eight Wards of the State living in the castle, worshipping the ground I walked on. They also called me Mommy, but-

[Awww!]

{Oh…}

Yeah. For the first week of my reign, I had all of them doing their damndest to impress me, no matter how many times I told the little shits I literally couldn’t have cared less, but they still adored me.

[... I really wanna hurt you for saying that.]

It’s not like I just got done saying that I was a sociopath or anything, but I’ll go ahead and make you feel a little bit better by saying that after the first week, I started seeing them as annoying little brothers and sisters than as kids who wanted me to be their parent, which made me not stare at them silently when they talked to me.

[It must have been so awful for those poor calves… To be molested and then to have you just…]

{Tch. Ask your mother; she’ll agree that they had it good, regardless of how Jayne felt about them at any given moment.}

Right? Anyway, I need to get back on track and finish my first couple of days as ruler before I start getting deeper into this shit. Y’all sidetrackin’ a sista.

[Then tell your story. Butthole.]

Okay. So most of my cases in my first couple of days as Queen were simple enough to solve, but I wanted to make my mark on the world, so I started giving stupid and unusual punishments to people who wasted my time, which I determined by using a fifteen-minute hourglass and my own standards. If someone took more than fifteen minutes to explain something generally simple, then I gave them a dumb task that they were legally obligated to do. The shit generally ranged from bringing me a swan-shaped cake to finding, purchasing, and wearing a chicken hat back to the castle for the sake of my amusement. It was complete bullshit, but I was cute enough to get away with it, which kinda pissed me off.

As I learned from Midas, whom happened to be one of my most steadfast and honorable Cabinet Dudebros, I was ‘Downright atrociously, unforgivably adorable in the most Fae-Tale manner.’. He didn’t tell me that until my first week as Queen was over and I was taking the ninth day of the week as a day of rest. It was actually a conversation between Midas, Theseus, Persephone (my new Minister of Agriculture), Helio Centra (my main Mare in the Weather Division), Jorr (the feline half of my new Military Strategy Team. Sounds like ‘yore’), and Leonidas (the bovine half of the MST). All of them agreed that I was undeniably cute and the ones I actually liked were the ones who were brave enough to tease me over it.

Jorr, Ligre and Midas were relentless with their ‘compliments’ that they meant, but didn't put any real ‘meaning’ behind, if you catch my drift. Persephone was a kind Cow with a good head on her shoulders, but even she joined in eventually and laid into me with good intent. Leonidas didn’t like me enough to risk saying anything since it would probably come out wrong, but he did admit that he respected my disdain toward my own beauty in favor of trying to prove myself through my own abilities. Centra was just happy to laugh along and that ditzy bitch wanted to make me cute, but Theseus talked her down because the guy was afraid of me and didn’t want her to disappear. He and Midas were the only ones who truly knew that I would wipe my Cabinet clean all over again and start from scratch if I had to, but Midas was willing to let the foolish be foolish. Theseus, however, wanted the only woman he’d been allowed to recruit to live so I wouldn’t cull him for being a useless annoyance as well. Everyone in my Cabinet knew that I hated being a woman, being called cute, useless things, and feminization. Everyone in my Cabinet knew that Centra ticked off every box whenever she came around, thus the woman had few friends.

Anyway, during the conversation I was having with the available members of my inner circle, I also learned that my image in Minosia had improved literally overnight as it became common knowledge throughout the world that Herodotus had cursed the residents of Grey Grotto to never leave, as well as to be buried underneath the city so their Animas could fuel his Magicks. Once it was known that I was the ‘Queen of Brutality and Righteousness’, the notes I sent out to the rulers I’d spied on got responses and I had quite a few Ambassadors coming within the next few weeks. Confirmation of my character from Garrison’s Guildees got me more love in the streets of Minosia than sucking dick on the daily ever could have, and increasing funding for orphanages as well as introducing new management to the ones with bad track records made my public image shine just a little bit brighter. Once I started cutting the military budget and funding public education using hospitals and orphanages as temporary buildings, I pissed a lot of people off. However, by decriminalizing trade with Tartaric nations, promising to negotiate with Draconia, and throwing Celestia passable terms on some baby-step level connections, I made it clear that I was taking Minosia in a completely different direction, and I had gifts of all sorts flowing in by the hour. I mean, I got a shitton of hate mail too, and more death threats than you could shake your favorite stick at, but I didn’t actually get to read or see many of the belligerent fools who thought I was trying to turn their country into a soyboi’s paradise. To the contrary, I instructed my Minister of Infrastructure, Epeius, to start levying taxes for arenas to be built in every major town in the country so fighting would be a nationwide sport.

Of course I had to explain and inform the population that I wanted to see as many different fighting styles and weapons in the arenas as there possibly could be, which actually went over super well for the most part. My Public Relations Minister, Helen, was all too happy to let me know about every little census she drew and every little study she compiled since Herodotus had never cared, but I was thankful for her metaphorical finger on the pulse of Minosian society. With an ear to the floor on all the gossip that was going on both within and without the castle walls, I was easily one of the most informed rulers in the Eastern Hemisphere about whichever zeitgeist was passing its fancy at the moment.

{You know you’re officially ahead of where I left off, right?}

[Yeah, you’re really just skimming over the most important time in your life.]

{And where the Hell was Hermione?}

Ugh. Fine. You woke up on the fourth day of me being Queen, right?

{I think so.}

Alright… Um… Okay, fuckin’ look. This shit is boring as Hell and political as fuck. Between my constant meetings with high-standing nobles and visiting foreign dignitaries, I was pretty much just spending my time talking and trying to avoid talking to people who weren’t going to benefit me.

[Whatever. We’ll pick up with Uncle Gary next time, so you’d better be ready to tell your part of the story right!]

Gotcha.

✯☾Ω☽✯

… What the fuck? What is this?

⋬❈⊛❈⋭

My heart froze. I was standing in the middle of Heaven Central, and I felt it. The Nova. The cracking of the black plum. The memories that Max had protected me from for so long: The Parallel Subsets that I wasn’t a Favoured in. The Parallels where I was a lesbian because I remembered getting raped by my Dad and never trusted Max. The Parallels where Max never tried to become a better person, where he kept being a thief. The Parallels where Celestia sent Max to his house instead of mine, never giving him the chance to break down the walls around his heart on his own, never letting us grow as close as we did. The Parallels where Discord just killed Max and made sure he stayed dead. The Parallels where Discord raped and killed me in front of Max. The Parallels where Max never went to The Heavens to save Noir, leaving Brumeto do whatever she wanted. The Parallels where we never held True Love for each other.

… There were just so many things…

As old as I was and am, I didn’t let the decatillions upon bazillions of rapes, torture sessions, and deaths cause more than a single tear to slide down my face, but this one was white instead of black. Someone had found out about Max breaking the rules and had slapped me for his transgression since he’d done it for my benefit, but that wasn’t what made my heart freeze. That wasn’t necessarily what made me want to give up and Supernova the Entire first hundred Universes. No. Not quite.

“... Madam?” An elder God named Solfrei asked.

I shifted to face him, my gaze cold, my body shaking. “What.”

“... He’s-”

I raised my hand and he flinched. “I dare you.”

“... You broke the rules, Madam.” He rubbed his arm. The only reason Solfrei even managed to stand in my presence was because of his nature as a Two-Hundred-Series God, his mind being advanced enough to divert the mental attacks I was passively sending his way. “There must be a punishment.”

“I was punished during the last battle.” I snarled.

“No one knew the depth of your error.”

“That’s not my problem.”

“... It sets a bad precedent…”

My lip twitched and I nearly smited him out of existence then and there, but Solfrei gave me a hard stare. “What.”

“You supplanted the longest living Omnium in our history and slayed another of the eldest gods to have ever existed by stripping her of her powers and trapping her in the fourty-fourth dimension. That alone is reason enough for resignation.”

The entirety of the Plaza escaped my wrath, evacuating to their own personal Heavens to avoid the caustic, dread-instilling nature of my Battle Aura. Whereas Max’s had felt like being smothered by smoke and choked by his own slender fingers, my aura was like being in the vastness of space without a suit: neither truly hot or cold, and quite murdersome. The Two-Hundred-Series showed up to back their spokesman and the One-Hundred-Series came to betray me for taking one of the kindest Gods that existed in the series from them. The Six-Hundreds came to my aid as they always did, which was a boon beyond all others, but I’d only garnered about three-quarters of their numbers since the ones that had shown up just wanted to fight. The rest thought I was in the wrong and didn't want me to win the battle, or just wanted to abstain from the frequent fighting that occurred during the early portion of every Omnium’s reign.

“You all have one. Chance,” I said levelly, my voice echoing across the Ocean of All. “I will not hesitate to start eliminating you as of this point. Know me as Kauku the Merciless.”

Many Gods left the fight. Many. An Omnium’s true wrath is nothing to shrug off, but Max? Max had beaten the vast majority of all the Gods at different points in his life, and that was with minimal support. Me? I was trained by Max. Molded by him. When I first became a God, Max was the God who mentored me, and he taught me everything he could think of and more. His creativity and ingenuity combined with my logic and conventionality combined through no longer giving a bucking fuck about the value of life to make a being that wanted things her way. Nothing else would stand in my way, and that’s the message that got across to my subordinates. No longer would I spare those who opposed me.

Twilight Maximus was outside of existence.

Diliculum Maximus was old and retired.

Kauku Maximus was ready to rule with an iron fist, and none would stand in her way.

Author's Note

Sumtime I fuck yo mudder. Sumtime I fuck yo fadder. Den I fuck yo sidder, you brudder, yo momma, granmomma, and yo auntee. An you uncerr

Chapter Thirty: The Friendly Demon

Chapter Thirty: The ‘Friendly’ ‘Demon’

✧❖☬❖✧

Life is strange. By the time Luna and I stopped talking, we’d both skipped three meals and the sun was already setting, though we’d gotten me my stuff and I had a bag for it that I could slip between my wings. Between the two of us, whether it was just casual chatter, joking and jibing, flinging dry, sarcastic flirts, or telling stories about our pasts, we seemed to be a little more than platonically interested. When I actually asked directly, Luna said that she found the disapproval of her sister to be the main motivator behind her intrigue, though she admitted that it was tempered by some idle interest in my mad, mad ways. In turn she needled me for the things I appreciated in her, which I had to confess were rather simple. I liked her voice, her looks, and her intellect. I loved the fact that she was supposed to be unattainable, and I knew she would play hard to get if I showed so much as the slightest bit of interest in her. The subtle back and forth; the push and pull we had going on for an entire day was pleasurable to say the least.

Once sunset came and Luna was due to return to her duties, Celestia came to collect her sister and the Solar Diarch;’s face turned stony when she saw that her sister had spent the entire day in my company out in the Gardens. When she was just steps away, she asked, “Were you expecting to sit and talk to a Demon all night as well, or were you going to fulfil your sworn duties at some point, sister?”

Luna gave me a peck on the cheek. “Visit us whenever thou art rid of thine curse. Celestia’s ploy to make thine sister fear thee shall not prevail.”

I made sure that my claws wouldn’t brutalize her back as I gave her a one armed hug. “It’s been great talking to you, Luna. We’ll have to stargaze sometime so you can tell me of the Equisian constellations.”

She let me pull away without a problem and whapped me with her wing as she walked away. “Mayhaps. Until then.”

“You said ‘mayhaps’ and then said ‘definitely’,” I pointed out.

“Shut up, Mutt.” My new favourite Princess (besides my sisters) scoffed.

“Bite me, Broodmare.”

Her jaw dropped and her cheeks coloured adorably. The epicenters of her blush on either cheek were bright pink, though it faded to an attractive purplish colour around the rest of her face. “Thou may as well have called us a whorse!”

I smiled at her. “Let’s make some babies, Baby.”

Her look of offense melted into the one she’d been wearing most of the day; mild amusement with a touch of admonishment. “Stop trying to plant thy seed in foreign soil.”

Celestia growled, her pink eyes glowing. “Sister. If you would like to stop flirting…”

Luna jerked her thumb over her shoulder. “Don’t let her discourage thee. Thou art amusing.”

“Thanks, Moonberry.” I thought of spreading my Wind Wings and my actual wings spread, blowing Luna and Celestia’s manes and skirts a little as they stretched. It felt lovely, sadly.

The Solar Cunt’s face went from furious to curious, her lips slightly puckered as she looked at my wings. She muttered something to herself that I couldn’t hear over Luna saying, “Wouldst thou stoppeth thine grandstanding?”

I raised a brow and let my wings sag a little since the black ones actually got tired, unlike the mostly transparent ones. “Grandstanding?”

“Thy wingspan.”

“What of it?” I let my wings sag a little further, flapping gently by some subconscious desire to get into the sky.

“It’s enormous.” Celestia said blandly.

… Okay? “And that would mean…?”

Luna leaned forward. “... Doth thou truly intend to play innocent?”

“For one, you’re speaking to a thousand year-old man with a spotty memory. For two, I’m
not from this planet. For three, I just got these wings.”

Celestia traded a look with her sister. “Okay, I see how we were expecting a little much of you. In essence, an Avian’s wingspan is something akin to ‘The Bulge’ or a woman’s breasts. They’re generally considered to be better when bigger.”

“So I’ve got giant dicks on my back. Or giant tits. Fuckin’ lovely.”

“You also look like a Demon.” Celestia’s tone was smug, but her face was flat.

I shrugged. “Heya, cannae fella getta gal with a corruption kink?”

“What?” The present Princesses inquired simultaneously.

“A lot of women like the idea of being seduced by darkness. Shirtless darkness.”

“Oh shut up.” Celestia snarled, her voice laced with fury.

Luna gave me a wink, her sister unable to see the small gesture. “We would recommend leaving before thou art killed to death.”

With a little salute, I flapped hard enough to get off of the ground. “Send me a letter when the Serpest Mission becomes more time sensitive!”

Luna waved me off and Celestia folded her arms, but neither responded. I didn’t particularly care about whether or not they would. No, someone was busy being thrilled about the power behind his new wings, and that someone was me. A few loose feathers scattered in the gust I created as I climbed, which made me worry about molting all over my bed until I realized that I didn’t technically have a place to sleep yet. I figured I’d rectify that outside of Canterlot, the Wind Magic in my stomach spreading to the area a few inches below my shoulder-blades and helping to propel me out of the city in record time. At least until I saw a yellow Mare with a blue mane on a cloud with three other people. One was a Mollyhen, another was a Dragon, and the third was another Mare, but what worried me was the fact that they were nearing city limits with the warm winds that were helping guide me out of town.

I altered my course because the yellow Mare seemed more familiar that I was comfortable with, and when I touched down on the cloud, she looked at me in surprise. “Garrison? I thought you were off saving Equestria?”

I narrowed my eyes at her before it clicked. Her coat wasn’t yellow, it was blonde. “Heya, Sunshower. I did my part. Poorly, but I did it. I have another task coming up soon enough. What’s up with these fellows?”

The Mare waved with a flirty smile and the Dragon glared at me while the Mollyhen answered with a click of her beak. “We’re trying to get the weather schedule for the next couple of weeks so we know how long we can stay in Canterlot before we have to move on. We don’t wanna get stuck here in shitty winds.”

Sunshower gestured toward her. “Being a part-time Weather Coordinator means being available whenever, wherever to answer questions about the schedule,” She sighed.

The Dragon snorted some smoke. “You work directly for the Crown. At least you get paid well.”

“I miss free time!” Sunshower moaned.

I hit her with one of my wings, not missing the jealous looks that got tossed her way by the other females present. “Then wrap up with them and join a friend for dinner in the city.”

She blushed furiously, shoving my wing away from her face somewhat frustratedly. “Why don’t you start by explaining where you got those from!?”

“After you give us the schedule.” The Dragon maintained.

“After that.” Sunshower conceded shortly before listing off the bullshit in the sky for the next week. The Dragon took off, shortly followed by the Moollyhen. The Mare blew me a kiss and Sunshower rolled her eyes, giving me her full attention. “Seriously what’s up with the Grimdark wings?”

I gave her a look .”Apparently I’m a Demon.”

“Shut the buck up.”

“Not lying.”

“Shut the buck up.”

“Technically an Incubus.”

“Oh my gosh.” Her hand went to her forehead and she stared at me. “Are you serious!?”

“I dunno.” I chuckled. “Apparently the wings are sexy, so I might be. I don’t think these are though,” I said, holding up my claws.

She stared at those instead of my face or wings. “... Holy shit.”

“Yeah.”

“... Y-You’re not-”

“I’m not going to hurt you. You’ve never given me a reason to so much as poke a freckle on your face, let alone hurt you.”

“You do things for weird reasons sometimes!”

“Yes, but I don’t say that I’m not going to do those things because I generally intend on doing those things. I say I’ll do the things I’m going to do and if I’m not going to do a thing, then I generally don't do it. Now, if you were to ask me to not eat your carrot cake and I were to say that I wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t do it to avoid hurting your feelings. However, if you were to tell me to avoid looking at nice rear ends, that would be something I wouldn’t say I would do. Do you understand?”

Sunshower sighed and chuckled, looking tired and scared. “So you’re an actual Demon instead of just consorting with them and now you want to impregnate me-”

“When did I say this!?” My hand flew to my chest and I accidentally cut myself. Hissing, I snatched it away and saw a few slashes on my left pectoral that bled for but a few seconds before healing.

“I’m so sorry! I-I thought that your Incubus thing meant that you were tracking me down to buck me!”

I closed my hands so I could fold my arms safely. “First off: Fuck you. I’m no rapist.” Unless you count Dissida, but that was sexual assault! “Second? I would love to charm and or generally sleep with you, but I would have to ask my girlfriend if she was comfortable with sharing me, which is unlikely. Third is the most important, and it is don’t make assumptions.”

She gave me a womanly look that was ruined by her blush. “Well, at least you’re still relatively harmless for being a murderer.”

“I would argue against that, but I’m leaning more toward ending this friendship.”

“No! Garrison, I wasn’t trying to upset you-”

“Right.”

Sunshower’s shoulders sagged as my words made their impression. “Sincerely, Garrison! I-It’s just that Demons have a reputation, and you’ve said it yourself that you’re not all there in the head! I-I… I’m sorry…”

“Bullshit. I want a hug.” I grunted.

She gave me a hopeful little smile. “Are you sure?”

“I try not to say things I don’t mean when I’m irritated. Sarcasm might be an Avcalesch staple, but it’s not my strong suit.”

The woman who’d tackled me twice and gotten away with it decided to go for a third time since we were on a cloud. I had to flare my wings out to evade harming them unnecessarily, so the natural thing was to wrap them around my assailant. After a good nuzzling, Sunshower sat high enough on my pelvis to keep it platonic, but not on my stomach as to allow me some room to breathe and gave me a true, earnest, apologetic smile.

“Sorry, but it seemed like the right thing to do.” She tittered.

I let the backs of my hands rest against her legs and gave her a look. “You realize these claws are sharp enough to maim you, right?”

“Err… Well…”

I chuckled. Just a little. “Be a little more careful, okay?”

“I’ll try, but you just make a good tackling dummy, you know?”

I flicked her, careful to not hit her with the sharp side of the appendage. “Hush, woman. Also, get off me before I get up.”

“How are you supposed to get up if I don't get off?” She asked in the smarmiest manner, flirting as she sat up straight and folded her arms.

“I don’t choose where my blood flows, you know.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Your seat might get a little harder to sit on if you keep moving.”

Her face lit up and she flapped her wings to do as I’d asked in the first place. “Garrison!”

“You got off quickly enough the first time you tackled me,” I snorted, standing up and stretching, “for that exact reason, I do believe.”

“Well maybe I wasn’t thinking about my friend getting a woody!”

“With your arse? That’s just negligent.” I scoffed.

“Are you taken or not!?”

“I’m taken.”

“... Who’s your Mare?” Sunshower asked, making a frustrated face.

“Maudileena Daisy Pie.”

“She’s one of the Pie Family?” Sunshower asked warily.

“Pinkie is the blackest of sheep in the family.”

“Ah, she’s the odd one out then. The rest of them are.. Normal, right?”

“Most people would say chronically, lethally boring. Maud is a woman you have to love to like.”

“That’s… Kind of a mean thing to say, don't you think?” She rubbed her arm, her expression concerned and uncomfortable.

I tilted my head. “It’s not inaccurate. Most people find her acerbic, if not just boring. Again, unless you’re willing to pay attention, and I mean give her more attention than you normally would give a person, you’ll never notice her subtle nuances. She’s like a wine that tastes like nothing at the first sip, but her flavour develops more as you let her quote unquote ‘body’ fill your quote unquote ‘palate’.”

“So… What attracted you to Maud in the first place?”

“Her air of lethality. The woman is certainly dangerous and she knows it. She’s a true Femme Fatale, but she has a caring, compassionate side that she shows to people she trusts that’s easily marred by the smallest of betrayals. Maud’s tough, but delicate; strong and sturdy, but sweet and fragile when she feels the opportunity is safe enough.” I grinned to myself, not looking at Sunshower. “I’ve called her a geode before: A plain rock with all of its beauty on the inside.”

When I looked back to the blonde Mare, she was smiling ruefully. “Sounds like you really love her.”

“Yeah. I’m slowly learning that immortal women aren’t worth the trouble. We mortals appreciate what we have. Who we have.”

A pregnant silence followed my words until Sunshower said, “So…”

“Yes?”

“... Do you think you could love another Mare like you love Maud?”

“Not exactly like her, no. There’s no one like her.”

She giggled at that, her smile growing less wistful and a little happier. “It’s always nice to hear that. Some Stallions say they love all their Mares the same.”

I raised a brow, the vague impression of a rock trying to cook in my mind by comparison. “Unless they’re clones, then that would make no sense.”

“Right?” Sunshower giggled some more. “Tell you what; I’ve got some time off coming up soon, and I am looking to settle down a little. At least get back into the dating scene. I don’t think you can love me as much as you love Maud, but maybe a friend would be willing to give a Mare a little practice date sometime?”

I gave her a gentle smile, accepting the terms of our relationship as Sunshower insinuated she preferred them. “I’d be delighted, and I’ll make sure to avoid paying for dinner since it won’t be a real date.”

She came in for a hug and tapped my chest with her fist when we parted. “You’re an ass, but at least you make up for it by being a decent guy. Do you know where you’ll be living in Jolly Junction?”

“Not quite yet, but I have the money to buy my own place and the Dragon Fire to send you a message, if need be.”

“Great! Are you taking the train?”

“Well, I was going to fly-”

“You know that’s in the exact opposite direction of where you were going, right? Jolly Junction is southwest of here.”

I raised a finger and opened my mouth before biting my lip and lowering it. “... I kinda just started flying.”

“... You dumbass!” She burst out laughing after she said that in the flattest of tones, which rather hurt my feelings.

“Hush, woman. I’ll pick your nose.”

“P-Please don’t!” She stammered, still giggling. “You know, I feel a little better knowing that Ponies like you are the heroes behind Equestria. Real, genuine, nutty guys who just do what they can and deal with the consequences just like anypony else.”

I stared at her. “I was tortured when I became a Demon. I was infected with a divine poison so potent it corrupted my very soul.”

Sunshower closed her eyes and mouth, grinned wide, and opened her eyes to reveal a soft violet light. “Woah nelly! Roxy’s back!”

“I blinked,” I said, blinking again for the sake of trying to unsee the thing I’d just seen.

Her eyes were still violet when she put her hands on my shoulders and started smiling. “I’m under the radar right now! Out of that damned loop! Garrison, you have to help me. I can break sooo many rules to make your life easier if you just kill. Ithaca.”

“Who even-”

“Max’s second wife, Roxanne! Ask Jay’s Pinkie, Diane! She’s in Ponyville at Fluttershy’s cottage and she’ll tell you everything, but I’m on borrowed time here, Garrison! You need to be the one to take over, and I need to get out of here to help you do that!”

“Where are you?” I asked, my mind racing at miles upon miles a minute, trying to connect dots between vast distances.

“Somewhere you’ll have to get creative to go. It’s gonna be tricky, but you can do it! I swear on everything I’ve ever loved, I’ll help you if you kill Ithaca!”

“I’ll do it based on the fact that it seems like a good idea, but why?”

“So Lujei can’t! Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy!”

My breath caught in my lungs as the brick smacked me in the gob, stunning me into silence as Sunshower started seizing, her eyes fading from glowing violet/indigo back to the soft, gentle blue that they normally were. “Ughh…”

I caught her before she fell, but my worries seemed to be for good reason. My stomach felt worse than it ever had, my very instincts telling me to just rip my throat out and deal with Kauku’s consequences before something happened and everything just got worse. I felt my second biggest worry come just before the first, Lujei and Kauku both standing behind me as I cradled Sunshower. No sane man would have looked over his shoulder. Any wise man would have at least tried to run. A fool who relies far too much on luck would lay down his friend and face the first most powerful being in the universe and perhaps fourth or fifth scariest being I’d ever met in my entire existence. Kauku’s calm gaze drew my attention first before I looked to Lujei, her mild irritation evident.

‘Lie and I will mend your memories to fit it. Just keep it consistent.’ Roxy’s voice whispered in my mind.

“Heya.” I said gravely, my wing shuffling on their own accord.

“Hello, Garrison.” Kauku nodded.

Lujei looked at her. “Hey, while you’re here-”

Kauku pointed at her and she caught fire, burning with purple flames that were a distinctly different colour from Roxy’s eyes. The two of us smiled at Lujei’s screams as she whirled around in the air as the Empress made a cage for her. “I don’t like you. You’re the worst person on this planet besides me. Don’t fucking talk to me, you lowlife cunt.”

Lujei did some howling. It was musical.

Kauku shrugged. “If that’s what you have to say to the Matron of Scholars, the reason you made the stone, then I guess you can eat a couple thousand years of Hellfire. You really brought it upon yourself.” She turned to me. “Now to deal with you.”

My smile faded and I looked her in the eye. “What the fuck is Ithaca?”

Her brows raised and she folded her arms. “... This is the first time I’ve technically heard that name in a good while. What do you know of her?”

I gave her an incredulous look. “...I thought it sounded male, but I guess with a mouth full of tentacles, I’d be assuming dumb shit.”

“No, Ithaca is male.”

“Then why- Nevermind. What is Ithaca?”

“What do you know about him?” Kauku asked kindly, giving me a warm, matronly smile that made my stomach bubble and boil with fear.

“I know he’s gross, smelly, and wants me to make some choices.”

She nodded. “That’s good enough. I don’t want you dealing with Ithaca, so call my name the next time he comes around, okay Darling?”

My heart throbbed and life felt so good until Roxy whispered, ‘Don’t fall for it. She’s beyond crazy.’

“Of course, Mistress.” I nodded.

In a beat of my heart, Kauku was lifting me in the air with Magic, standing uncomfortably close, walking around me in a tight circle. “... I don’t really believe you, but I guess I’ll have to let you do whatever you want for the time being. Remember my promises.”

“O-Of course, Mistress. I’ll remember.” I said a little shaklily.

She dropped me back onto the cloud and disappeared, taking Lujei’s flaming form along with her. When they were both gone, I breathed like I’d nearly drowned and thanked my dumbassery for taking me through yet another life-threatening situation. Sitting down next to Sunshower, I tried to calm down until she woke up, groggy and a little lost. I saw her back to her cloud home and fed her a story about some greater beings descending to Equis and making her faint through their power, which she bought because it was fucking true. After that, I flew my happy arse to the train station and asked around for the directions to the flight route to Ponyville. Only one person out of nearly thirty even knew of Ponyville, but apparently all I had to do was buy a ticket and get on the train that was about to leave anyway. I didn’t want to ride the train, so I followed it from the air, which isn’t illegal as long as you don’t land on it. If you don’t have a ticket, that is. If you do, you’re allowed to land and fly whenever the fuck you want, I just chose not to because fuck vehicles.

When I arrived in Ponyville, the first place I went was The Honey Hole, which was a pub where I could get sloshed because I was scared, sad again, and worried like no other. My drunkeness eventually got a few drinking songs started and carried a party long into the night, which the bartender told me in the wake of a massive hangover the night after I’d outdrank seven Stallions by going drink for drink with them. Individually. Max wasn’t lying when he’d said it would be hard for me to get drunk, but I assumed that the only reason I got over my hangover so quickly was because of the same healing factor that made getting said hangover so damned difficult in the first place.

Lucky Strike, the fellow who’d let me sleep in a booth to save money on an inn, let me give him some bits for the favour and a drink for the road. I’d long since learned that eating the hair of the things that bite you might not taste the best, but it sure as fuck makes you feel better. Once I got started on my day, I walked to Twilight’s house and attracted a lot of stares, looks, and blushes whenever my wings felt like doing whatever they wanted. A few Mares came up to me and asked me out for lunch, though there were more people that came around to ask what I was since I looked… Interesting. I got a lot of questions on whether or not I was a Hybrid race, so I started saying that I was a double hybrid born of a Hippogriffin and a Ponape. Apparently Equestrian racism didn’t apply to things with Pegasus blood, so I was allowed to mix and mingle as I saw fit, which was weird.

When I got to the outskirts of town, I spread my wings and took to the air so I could make up some lost time, locating Sweet Apple Acres as my first stop. Something just told me that I needed to go there first so I could break the news to the people Ladesa had lived with for a little over half a year. It made my heart ache a little to know that they were most likely going to take the news hard since Ladesa had always been talking about the Apple Family during the little moments during the trip to Minosia, so as I touched down, I organized my thoughts and tried to find the kindest way to present the information.

I couldn’t think of a way to say anything that would bring her back.

Knocking on the door with a heavy heart, I thought about the coolness of the day and how it was not helping with the cold feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach. When Applejack opened the door and recognition dawned on her face, she asked, “Gauche?”

“Yeah.”

She looked around. “... Where’s Jay an’ Desa?”

“Jayne now rules Minosia. Ladesa… Ladesa died to injuries sustained from the mission. Toxic smoke inhalation, malnourishment, and-” I said softly.

“What?” Applejack breathed.

I…

{...}

...

{Hey…}

[I didn’t tell you to stop.]

{... It’s okay, Garrison.}

I… I just couldn’t look her in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

“No.” She spouted. “No. Ladesa… She’s too tough. Ladesa can’t be gone.” Her voice was calm and assured.

I closed my eyes and whispered. “Whether you like it or not, she’s not coming home.”

That… That put grief in her voice. “You’re lyin’. You’re a LIAR!!!”

…

[And?]

… I didn’t have anything to say to her. My instincts were telling me that I’d missed something; some important piece had fallen out of the puzzle.

When Applejack gripped my arms with the true strength of an Earth Pony I grimaced, but I stood my ground. “Where. Is. She?”

“Godsholm.” I murmured.

Applejack slapped a tooth out of my mouth. It was a smaller molar, but it still fucking hurt. “DON’T YOU BUCKIN’ LIE TA ME!!!”

Granny hobbled out of the house with Big Mac hot on her tail. “Applejack, what in tarnation-”

“WHERE’S MY BABYDOLL!? WHERE’S MY CINNABUN GAUCHE!?” Big McIntosh wrestled her off of me and held her while she well and truly freaked out. “Don’t you lie to ME!!!”

“Applejack, Darlin’, calm down-” Granny attempted, trying to soothe her.

It didn’t work. “Gauche… Gauche please…” She begged, the fire in her burning itself out.

“... I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so sorry…”

Her brother loosened up his hold so Applejack’ could bring her hands to her mouth, letting her fall to her knees. “We… We didn’t even come out.”

And that…

{You didn’t betray her. Ethel did.}

Applejack could have had her lover and I could have still had my right hand, but I’d cut it off. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was my fault. I didn’t have the stones to say anymore than I already had, and I knew that Applejack didn’t want to grieve with me. There was no point in trying to comfort her because I was the reason her heart was shattering… The guilt was consuming. So much so that I couldn’t face her any longer. Couldn’t deal with the weight that sat on my shoulders and bent my spine in a thousand different ways. I’d thought that I’d closed off my heart to my mistakes, that I’d compartmentalized and gotten over it, but I wept before and during the flight to Fluttershy’s. It… It ate me up inside that I’d cost a woman her lover; that I’d ended a relationship before it could flourish… I… I hurt a civilian for no reason, and it was someone who’d been kind to me in the past. Who’d taken me under their roof and fed me for a time… Taken care of one of my Guildees.

I tried to take some time to get ahold of myself before approaching Fluttershy’s cottage, having remembered it in a vague recollection of getting incredibly intoxicated with Max and Jay, but I had a hand on my shoulder before I could quite get the tears to stop flowing. “Hey, Garrison.”

I turned and cleared my eyes, looking at a brunette woman with the most adorable Thesuvian curls in her hair. Well, it was more wavy than curly, or vice versa. Somewhere in between. Her oceanic eyes held a certain depth that I couldn’t quite place, though I do now realize that her eyes were oceanic in both colour and quality. It both meant dark blue and that there seemed to be far more beneath the surface than would meet the eye, though it was the latter that encouraged me to maintain eye contact when I could actually make it.

“Who are you?” I asked, my voice level and thick.

“Diane. One of Jayne’s exes.” She smiled at me sadly.

“... What?” I asked.

“Twilight and Fluttershy already know that Jayne can’t come back, and Hermione already paid me a visit on Lujei’s behalf for Jayne doing the thing I’m not mentioning.” She curled a finger through her lovely hair because she was a Human and not a fucking Pony, which Jayne neglected to explain. “I really do hate being a Poohair, but at least she didn’t cut anything off.”

I gave her a look, completely falling for whatever it was that she was doing.

{Trying to make you forget about the grief on your heart. She’s great, isn’t she?}

Let me get to how great she is, Buttfart.

[Diane sucks.]

{She’s great at that too.}

[Pervert.]

To get back my first impression of Diane because I’m sure someone somewhere is bored, I gave her a stern look and fell for her trap because I wasn’t paying attention. “My hair is a slightly darker brown than yours.”

She shrugged. “From what I’ve heard, you’re just more of a shithead.”

“Fuck you. Jayne loves you, but you’re unpleasant.”

She smirked and folded her arms, sending my attention below her collar for a moment because my blood is red-

[It wasn’t at that moment.]

It was burgundy. Close enough. Anyway, she purposefully distracted me so she had a reason to give me a look. “Mhmm. At least I can keep my eyes somewhere decent.”

I spread my wings and watched her blush, raising a brow. “If I do this when you do that, I think it’s fair.”

“That’s not even close to what I did!” She huffed playfully, turning and giving me a sidelong glare.

She earned a look for being a child. Or flirting. I couldn’t tell which. “It’s essentially the same thing.” I folded one wing so I could turn and not hit a tree since we were on the edge of a forest, whapping Diane with my big, black, smelly-

{Nigga.}

Owwwwwww!! You fucking shot me!

[... Damn.]

{It’s a .22, you pussy- Ow!}

[Hey! Both of you, stop fighting!]

Fuckin’-

{Punk mothafuck- }

✯☾Ω☽✯

It’s… Everything’s wrong…

She…

I…

… What happened?

⋬⍦⊛⍦⋭

The war. I know I started it. It’s not the first. Not since that day. Not since I started breaking rules…

Even with the Gods that had fled for their lives and universes… The Triple Sixers became The Five-Four-Niners. One hundred and seventeen Gods. One hundred and seventeen entire. Universes. All consumed. Not even my origin Series backs me anymore. It’s all my fault. The Chaos. Reality was shredding at the seams. The Universal Collective had intruders poking inside form the warbling, The Whiteness peeking in from the vastness of the Whole. Its unholy light started shining into my territory… My family… They’re coming…

I don’t know how it started. I don’t know how to fix it.

The Nameless Ones are coming, and I know it’s my fault. Max… Max told me… He warned me… I was well aware that there would be consequences if I started breaking rules, but even I, as old as I am, as powerful as we are… Even if I only had three aspects going at one, which was absolutely unheard of for a God… Even with the strength of hundreds of Gods that I’d depowered or devoured… I couldn’t hold the Collective together by myself. Even as I fought against my naysayers and conspirators, I commanded that they help me keep the Collective alive. I ordered them to work with me instead of against me… I asked for their assistance… Begged against their ineffective blows…

Gods are arrogant… We’re… Immortals. Eternals. Anything that lives longer than a couple hundred years. We… We eventually forget where we came from. It just happens. For some it takes that couple hundred years, for some it takes a thousand. Others take millions upon millions upon billions and etcetera number of years that would make a lower god’s brain quake and ache before they forget… I forgot when I became Fate. I stopped being who I was because I…

Gods are arrogant, but Fates? It’s hard to describe. I hated my job with a hellish passion, but the power that it provided me was as addictive as sex on D’Vora’s love juice. I… I abused that power and I ruined everything… Max’s love… His life… His legacy…

I swear I can feel his disappointment like it’s inside of me. I can see his face glaring at me in disgust; his eyes would be full of tears. The face of betrayal haunted me as I slayed yet more and more Gods… Like cattle to the damned slaughterhouse. All because they were arrogant. Because I was arrogant…

The only thing I had left in all of Existence was Max’s little bronze pea.

And someone took it from me.

⋬❈⊛❈⋭

Diliculum was mighty when she reigned, but not as powerful as Kauku. Sparkle?

Pathetic.

Kauku is the one who fights the wars. Kauku is the one who sheds the blood and eats the heart of the enemy. Kauku is the strength of Omnium. Even Kinkaid Omnium was weak. Kauku is the one who will make order. Her will is law. If she must devour, then she shall.

✧❖☬❖✧

[Are you two done?]

{...}

Bitch.

[And who was that directed towards?]

Yes. Line please?

[You left off on Diane getting hit with your smelly wing.]

{Keep it kosher.}

Grrr. Anyway, I whapped a silly woman with my wing for being silly, and she grabbed it a little too roughly for my liking. In turn, since she was being a Meaniebutt, I pinched her boob with my knuckles, making her grab my wing harder, which made me pinch her harder. “Stooop!” Diane wailed.

“You first.” I grunted.

She let go so I let go, casually swiping down the middle of her shirt with my index claw. It cut through the cloth like a hot knife through butter. “Hey!”

I chuckled as she covered her chest. “Ah, that was probably unwarranted.”

“It was! I’m telling Jayne on you!”

I thought about making my wings encase us and thus it happened, pushing Diane closer to me. “Oh, don’t be like that~ It’s just a bit of fun.”

She let her hands fall, her shirt completely fine. “Right.”

I stared at her ample chest for a second, stroking my chin before doing my wing because it felt better. “How did you do that?”

“Don’t touch yourself and stare at my boobs! How perverted are you!?” Diane cried covering her chest and turning away from me.

I realized my folly. “Oh, my apologies. If it makes you feel any better-”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “I know you were looking at my shirt! You don’t really find me attractive, do you?”

“That’s honestly a hard question to answer. I want to tease and hug you- Fuckin’ wait! I need to talk to you!”

“No shit.” She chuckled, leaning against my wings. It was no issue to hold her up. “I’ve got us covered since Lujei’s out of the picture for the time being. Who sent you to me?”

“Someone named Roxy. She has violet or indigo-”

“What.”

“She said you could help me kill Ithaca.”

“... I don’t know how the fuck she knew that, but yeah. I’m not doing that until after you go to Serpest though. This conversation ends now.”

“But your tits are begging to be touched!”

“Oh shut up!” Diane giggled. “You just want to make Jayne jealous!”

“Would it help if I said that she’s leaning on the woman who turned you into a Poo-Hair for support?”

“She what.”

I nodded. “The first time I met Hermione, Jayne was crying on her shoulder.”

Diane stared at me for a moment, her eyes going glossy before her lip curled and she balled her hands up. “That whore!”

“Successfully thrown under the carriage.” I chuckled, thinking back to the bullshit she’d put me through with Frieda.

{Piece of shit.}

Heh. I got hit in the wing for my words, but then Diane grabbed it and and squeezed the main joint making my eyes roll up into the back of my head, sending me down to one knee. “That’s for letting me know about… That. Jayne and I are going to have a little talk.”

I smiled up at her and giggled like a child. “Uh-huh.”

She patted my cheek and walked away, leaving me with one thing left to do. My wing was too sensitive to get me into the air, but I knew the way to town from where I was, so I got to my feet when I could and tried not to let the rock-hard rooster in my pocket stop me from grinning like a loon. So far the wings had been mostly, if not solely positive, and I was wondering if they would stay that way when I got to Jolly Junction. By the time I got to town, however, there were fewer people just casually going about, so getting directions to the Flight Route was pretty difficult since few people had connections to the other town. However, there was a traveling businessmare that had to go in my direction, and she was glad for some company on the late night flight since there wasn’t a train to Jolly Junction.

Milky Way was a truly pleasant Mare with a very handsome suit that did nothing to take away from her ridiculous bust. I wondered how the woman managed to stand up straight when I initially met her, but I chose not to comment on her back-breakers. Instead, once we got into the air I asked, “So what brought you to Ponyville in the first place? Getting to Jolly Junction is going to take most of the day, right?”

Milky sighed and spiraled in the air, her mammaries swaying slightly out of sequence with the rest of her. “Well, it was mostly just to come back and see my parents. My sister doesn’t visit all that often, even though she’s the favourite.”

“I’m sure we all feel as though our siblings are the favoured ones.” I chuckled.

“Yeah, you’re probably right, but my big sister is really important. She works for the
Wonderbolts and helps manage Canterlot’s Weather Team. I can’t really compete with that, seeing as how I just have my milk-delivery business.”

“How curious. I happen to have a friend with a similar color scheme to you that works for the Canterlot Weather Team.”

“... Is her name Sunshower?”

“Heya, I know your sister! Lovely gal, she is. The freckles really sell the look.”

Milky way gave me an odd look before her eyes crossed and she tried to look at her nose. “We’re fraternal twins. Our Dads just look really similar.”

“Well, you’re cute too, but I was saying that she was cute.”

“Oh.” She blinked and blushed. “Oh! Well, thank you!”

“You’re welcome.”

Our conversation went to her sister and how I knew her from there, though I had to subtly reassure Milky Way that I liked her equally as much, despite not having known her as long. I didn’t want the woman to feel inadequate, and I was feeling rather magnanimous myself, so I kept her company on the flight and made the same rest stops she did so we would arrive in Jolly Junction at the same time. I could have cut my travel time by ridiculous amounts if I knew what to look for as long as I could fly in a straight line toward the town. As it was, it took me nearly seven hours to reach Maud’s base of operations via flying because my company was slower than a rotted Hell Mouse.

We touched down in Jolly Junction at nightfall and went to the same inn, but bought separate rooms that happened to be on different floors. We parted ways and that was the end of my time with Milky, who most likely had just delivered the milk she was going to sell via her lovely lumps. When I got to my room, I had a hard time making use of the shower therein since my wings were so damnably large, but I made do and managed to get myself and them clean with a bit of generic wing wash. Drying my feathery friends, however, took a fair bit of flying to do, but I still managed to get them air-dried in the cool night air.

By the time I touched down at the inn, I had a visitor in my room in the form of my favourite Mare, who ran to me when I opened the door to my room and nearly bowled me over. As it was, I stumbled before Maud stopped and squeezed me quietly, her arms crossing behind my back to cup each of the joints where flesh became feathery. I held her in turn, careful not to cut her with my claws, inhaling her scent and wondering if I’d been showing infidelity all day or if I was just teasing the women I came across because I needed release. While on the topic, I gently pushed Maud away so I could chase her lips for a chocolatey kiss that soothed the ache in my heart that I’d felt for Ladesa all over again.

“Epidote…” My Mauble murmured.

I gave her a gentle, sorrowful smile. “Hopefully this isn’t permanent-”

“I like the wings…” She said softly, squeezing the joints a little and making my knees turn into jelly.

“Ooo, don’t- Don’t do that.” I whimpered, my voice weaker than I’d prefer it to be at any given moment.

She raised a brow and held me against her chest, letting me regain my strength. “I was not aware that your wings were so… Sensitive.”

I clung to her because damn shortly before getting my feet under me she steadied me and kept on smelling lovely. “It’s something I’m learning too… So they’re not bad?”

“No. I Iike Pegasi.”

“Maybe you were attracted to the Wind Magic in me in to begin with.” I stood up a little straighter, though we stayed close.

Maud kissed my cheek and hugged me, leaving my wings be as I wrapped them around us as tightly as I could. And then someone said, “Um… Excuse me?”

I turned and saw a creamy orange Mare with a blondish mane who seemed familiar, though the look on her pretty face was a little less than pleasant. Maud, however, remembered her more than I did at that moment. “Amaretta Virgine?”

“Maudileena Pie?” She asked, giving Maud an awkward smile.

“... How did you know I would be here? I told no one where I was coming.”

“I… May or may not have… Y’know… Followed him.” She pointed at me. “Princess’ Order’s an’ all.”

“... And you chose to expose yourself now because of what reason?”

Amaretta folded her arms and made an uneasy face. “I… Never really ended things with Garrison.”

“You tried to trap me twice. The only reason I fucked you was because you took advantage of me. You taught me how to rape the Devil, essentially. When her guard was at her lowest, I seized her by the clitoris, much like how you nearly cost me my rod. Fuck you.”

Maud looked at me before looking to Amaretta. “... I suggest leaving.”

The Ranger’s face fell considerably and she tried to defend herself. “You said you understood! I had to check your loyalty and morality!”

“You could have asked and used your judgement to see if I was lying. There could have been some kind of Lie-Detecting Spell. There are multiple different ways that our relationship could have started, and that doesn’t even cover the fact that your plan was to leave me in my dying days. You didn’t give that much of a damn about me then, so why do you care now?” I asked patiently, holding Maud back.

She cast her eyes to my boots and back to my face, nibbling on her lip. “... I’m not here to ask for you back, Garrison… I’m here to apologize…” She tilted her head to and fro before saying, “Well, I also need to ask if you know where Jay is. I kinda need him.”

“Your apology is unneeded. I will heal Garrison’s heart,” My lovely Mauble said, her tone stony as always, but carrying a certain edge to it, like a polished cube of quartz. “Feel free to leave, Pen-Pal.”

“Jay goes by Jayne and she lives in Minosia for the time being.” I gave her a quick salute. “Until we meet again.”

Amaretta sighed and started walking away, so Maud and I entered the room I had purchased for the night, though she went to the desk that was provided and poured two drinks rather than having a seat. She gave me a glance and gestured with her head for me to sit nearby, two chairs side-by-side separated by an inn table. They hadn’t been in that position when I’d went to dry my wings, so I assumed that she’d had plenty of time to get settled in while I’d been out. I took my seat and let my wings droop over the back of the chair as most Avians did when the seat provided them the luxury. There were always a couple low-backed chairs in inns for Avians, just in case they wanted to sit the fuck down too, but I hadn’t noticed one in my room. I also hadn’t been looking for one, but still. Sure that Maud had brought one for me so I could be comfortable, I waited for her to finish mixing things into our drinks and hand mine to me.

“Your eyes… They have changed,” Maud said softly as she sat on the other side of the little table.

“What stone would you call these?” I asked, hoping that the conversation wouldn’t be the beginning of another ending.

“Apatite,” She answered nearly automatically, “though there are amethysts and tourmalines that also make the same color. Your eyes once matched mine, but now I believe the colors clash.”

Pulling a face, I set my drink down and reached for Maud’s hand, my heart lightening a little when she let me take hold. “We don’t need to match, do we?”

She nearly cut herself on my claws until I pulled away slowly and tried grinding the edges together to dull them. I only succeeded in making them slide across each other, so Maud held onto my wrist instead, sipping her drink. “It was nice. I will concede that one thing in exchange for chances to fly with you.”

“Granted upon your whims.” I replied, giving her my warmest smile. “Do you have any other demands?”

“Why did you come to town with a suspiciously well-endowed Mare?”

“Ah, Milky is Sunshower’s sister, coincidentally.” I mentioned blankly. “I met her in Ponyville and she offered to show me the way to the Flight Route, but honestly the woman is like flying with a dodo.”

“Dodos have vestigial wings.”

“How did her wings get her into the air?”

“Ha-ha-ha. That was mean,” Maud monotoned, giving me a little squeeze.

“It’s a wonder of the world.” I chuckled. “You know, you would make a very cute Pegasus, though that’s only due to the addition of extra things to love.”

Maud’s eyes started filling with contentment, a tiny smile playing in her lips. “Even Tartarification cannot touch your hopeless romanticism.”

“I’d say more along the lines of Demonification or Dissidation, but whichever you want to say. I certainly don’t feel evil, though.”

“Slit my throat.” My lover commanded.

I gave her a look. “Have you lost your bloody mind, woman?”

“Please? I ache for the release-” She started.

“Maud, where is this coming from!?” I asked, panic gripping me quickly. I couldn't see desolation in her face, but I was afraid to look into her eyes too long lest I make mistakes from the past all over again.

“Oh? Nowhere, I was just wondering if your heart was cold enough to kill me.” She answered like the sky was suddenly purple, but it was okay because Kauku decided that the sky needed to be.

I rolled my eyes. “I really will suffocate you with kisses to silence you if you don’t stop being ludicrous.”

“You would slay me with kindness rather than giving me a quick, merciful death?” Maud tried to give me Puppy Eyes that worked better than it should have, but not well enough.

I felt bad, but I still said, “Stop being silly. If I had to choose between letting you live in pain or die in peace, I would ask your opinion before making the choice.”

“Yet you will not even try the drink I made for you?” She asked.

Rolling my eyes again, I reached for it with my other hand, giving it a sip. I didn’t recognize the liquor, but I did know sloe and cinnamon don’t go together. “That’s not exactly good, Mauble.”

“... It’s my favourite drink.”

“What is it?” I asked shortly before downing the rest of the glass in one go.

She stared at me for a moment before doing the same and making the most adorable face I’d ever seen on her. It would’ve been harder to believe that Kauku was kind than it would be to think that Maud had a tongue for liquor after that, especially when she waved her hand about and had trouble swallowing. “Oh… I do not drink in large quantities.”

“Maud, getting me drunk is going to take more liquor than you have. I’ll take it straight, though.” I chuckled.

She gave me a look and got up to make a couple more drinks, just pouring some ‘brandy’ for me and mixing herself another oral catastrophe. When she came back, she plopped into her chair and sighed, passing me my beverage. “... This is going to take some adjusting to. You look far too attractive now.”

“... Beg pardon.”

“Your wings. You may as well be walking around with a Minotaur phallus in your pants.”

“Oh. I’ve been told.”

“You cannot hide them. I will have more competition than ever for your heart.” She sighed again, but harder.

I gave her a look and came over to sit on her lap with my drink in hand, getting comfy on her before saying anything. Maud held me and rested her head on my shoulder, snuggling up to me as I rested on her. “You know you’re the only one I need in my life, no? I’ve had multiple offers in the past couple of days,” Maud pulled away and gave me a hard stare, “but I’ve not had a reason to give any of them more than conversation. Should you want for sisters in love, then you have plenty to pick from, which is to say that I will love who you choose to love. You’ve proven to be wiser in matters of the heart than I; a better spouse as well as a better guardian. You have nothing to fear from the man who’s constantly afraid that you’ll come to your senses again and leave him.”

Maud cupped my cheek with her hand before pinching it and shaking my head for me. “Hopeless romantic.”

I chuckled and waited for her to let me go to stroke her jaw with the backs of my claws, which was an unintentional rhyme, also known as the best kind. “I love you, Mauble. Thank you for waiting for me.”

She placed a finger on my chest and drew a little circle on it, which made me wary for but a split second. “I love you too, Apitite. May we find a way to dull your claws soon.”

“May we hurry up and go to bed so we can get a decent start. I’m a little tired and hungry.”

“You can sleep on an empty stomach?”

“You can’t?”

“To an extent, but I would rather go get something to eat.”

“This is your town.”

She looked down at the bulge in my pants and back up to me. “You are on my lap.”

“You say that like you can’t carry my feathery arse,” I said, being petulant and a little snobby.

“Maybe I do not feel like it.” She said extra flatly.

I sipped my drink and nestled in. “Maybe I’m comfy?”

Unfortunately, Maud knows how to make me comfortable. That also means that she is aware of some things that make me extra disquieted. Rather disgruntled. Downright nopified. Maud licked my throat with her long Pony tongue and made me gag before she skipped over my beard and slapped me in the face with it. The damn thing was easily eight inches long and two and a half inches at its widest, which made for a very unpleasant experience. I cowered against my love and tried to wipe her slobber off of my face as she shoved me off of her. Like a man of true manliness, I saved my drink and didn’t spill a drop, though it was soon claimed and drank by Maud. The look I gave her when I got up when ineffectual, which was probably because she was swaying slightly as she stood. Rather, it was most likely the cause of the swaying that make her not care about her casual abuse of my bum.

“Let us alight to my abode. I have waited too long to show you to our home.” Maud said, a smile coming to her face more easily than I’d seen before. It was still minute, but it was there nonetheless. Little did I know at the time that it would be just one of many more to be seen in a night that I would hold precious in my memories

I flipped her off and she did her Pebble-Giggle, which sounded like ‘Heh-heh heh-heh-heh’. She often did it when she knew that I was mildly miffed with her and she was in the mood to act a bit like a naughty child. It often preceded sexual advances because Maud likes to get physical for some odd reason, which I didn’t mind. I was just hoping that she wouldn’t try and break me like last time. Before we could leave, Maud snuck quite a lot more liquor until I chided her and made her stopper the bottle. Unbeknownst to me, the damage was well and truly done.

On the walk to Maud’s house (I only collected half of my refund from the inn because I’d gotten a shower out of the deal), I noticed that she got increasingly drunk, though it would have taken a deaf man to miss the odd way her voice slid between emotions when she talked while hammered. From one word to the next, Maud would sound critically depressed and beyond euphoric, or filled with a deep-seated, unadulterated hatred for the word she was saying before expressing the deepest of love for the next. It was such a rapid assault of conflicting ideas and tones that I couldn't comprehend what she was saying in the slightest, despite knowing that she was saying words.

She still managed to guide us to her house without too many issues, though there were a lot of Ponies asking whether or not she was okay since she was a prominent figure in the community. Apparently she had friends among the civilians of Jolly Junction, and many of them were more than a little wary of the ‘handsome stranger with big ol’ wings’ coming around with Maud in a rather compromised state. I assured those that asked that I was Garrison, or rather, ‘Gauche’. It usually didn’t go over too well until Maud start kissing on my face like I was made of sugar, but the affection was nice anyway.

Once we actually got to her cottage just outside of town, not even ten minutes walk in either direction from the outskirts and the town itself, I took it in while Maud squealed like a little girl. “Gary~! It’s our ho~use!”

I chuckled and carried us closer, getting a better look at it as the meager light of the street lamps in the distance did little to illuminate the cozy looking building. From what I could tell, it was partially made of red brick cobblestone, though the porch and the steps of said porch were wood. However, upon coming up to the house I saw that the main colours were the greyish brick, accented by the cobblestone and dark wood. It was actually rather tasteful, and while I hauled Maud up her stairs, I took note of a few fossils and geodes that she left outside, most likely for decoration, and wondered if she ever worried about someone possibly coming by and stealing the ones that evidently weren’t pretty enough for her collection.

Maud clumsily unlocked the front door and flipped on the porch lights before leaving me to stumble into her house. The door was a lovely shade of mauve that I thought was fitting for the home so far, though when I went inside, I was more surprised than I should have been. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting Maud’s house to be vivid, but she… Well, she had a certain ‘flair’ for interior design, I’ll say that…

[What’s that face for? Maud’s house is cool!]

Yeah, that’s because she listened to me when I asked that we do a little redecorating. No, when I first went into Maud’s house, it was a museum with the most boring, droll, drab colours everywhere. Even the furniture looked boring, but when I actually walked in, Maud grabbed my hand and I paid attention to her rather than her furnishings and choice of art, my heart stopped for a moment and she nearly pulled me off of my feet. For once in her time with me, Maud’s lips split into a wide, brilliant, truly expressive smile that made my heart melt into a warm, gooey, sticky puddle that she had unlimited access to. I felt my face heat up and my own smile form as she giggled with a mirth that I’d yet to hear from her, the walls she put up around her inner self finally crashing down with the sauce.

“Welcome home~ hic! Gauche~”

I paused to soak in the moment for just a little bit longer. “Thank you, Maud. It’s good to be home.”

[... As sweet as that is, you still have to catch up to Jayne.]

{Christ, he’s been talking for an entire session!}

I guess I just cared more about what was going on than you did.

[It’s really seeming like it.]

Oh well. Anyway, Maud pulled me along and started showing me things in display cases: The pieces of her collection that never left her home. In the cases I saw incredible minerals that sometimes just made no sense. For instance, there was a stone that pulsed light in different places, but also had a concurrent stream avoiding each pulsation as best it could, the solid yellow line turning spiky whenever it hit one of the purple blobs of colour. There was another stone that was tied down with a ball and chain, and even then it lifted its burden a fair bit off of the ground. It would stay wherever you put it since it was perfectly balanced, which was interesting to say the least.

I’d have been enraptured while Maud was sober, but having her drunk and telling me every little thing she could about the true objects of her passion had my heart throbbing and my stomach flittering about gaily. Even though I kind of just wanted to go lie down with the woman who was keeping me awake, I was happy to entertain her for as long as her buzz wore on. Even as I quizzed her about her rocks and got answers that didn’t correlate at all with what I’d asked, Maud was steadily growing more and more bold with her advances. With me in her territory, she was free with her hands and I was wont to let her play with me as she liked since she seemed to be having fun. Anything from wrapping my arms around her to fondling my wings; Mauble wasn’t terribly shy with her hands and she was plenty comfortable with cuddling up to me, passing out facts like they were pastries on Jus’ Day in Avalesce. Or Araluen. They liked him too, I guess.

Anyway, eventually Maud got to yawning as much as she was talking, so I made her drink a glass of water to stave off her hangover and had her try to find her bed. The woman was rather hammered and a little more than tired, so we saw a closet, the bathroom, and the room I intended on staying in once I got her laid down. At least, that was the plan. Once I escorted Maud to her bed, she just wouldn’t stop hugging me, so I hugged her back for a while, hoping that she’d fall asleep on her hooves and let me lay her down. That didn’t work in the slightest after five minutes of swaying in place, but it was nice. I tried nibbling on her ears to make her let me go, but she usually just hit me with the other one until I let go.

“Mmm~” Maud hummed into my shoulder. “You are warm~”

I puffed out a few chuckles. “Your bed can be just as warm with you in it, I promise. Let’s end the night, my Persian Princess-”

“You know my coat~!”

I kissed her temple and waddled her over to the edge of her bed, but when she sat down, she twisted and clambered on top of me. Maud was probably just too drunk to care about whether or not I wriggle away, she just seemed to enjoy the chase. When my wings hit her headboard, her head hit my chest and she planted her hands on my thighs, getting between my legs in a very compromising way. My heart hammered in my breast for a moment since I hadn’t been expecting to be in Maud’s bed, probably sitting on one of her pillows, but she just smiled at me with that beautiful smile. I couldn’t do anything against it other than watch and hope that it didn’t fade anytime soon, but then she closed her lips, the grin she wore charming me in a different way while she wobbled and wavered.

“M-Mauble, I-”

Maud kissed my fuzzy chin and shut me up, making my face fully flush instead of just casually blush. She’d evidently remembered that touching my chin was the only way to make me stop talking altogether. After a moment that smelled of alcohol and marshmallows more so than chocolate, Maud wrapped her arms around my torso and shifted around until she was hugging my ribs and her head was on my chest. With some lime-sucking effort, I stretched my wings a bit and got the tips off of the headboard, the blood returning to the limbs making life a little less pleasant. I was thankful for the placement of my wings since they allowed me to rest my upper back against the thing without it hurting too much, and it was a nice position to stay in. With Maud in my arms, I had a hard time imagining how things could be much better in the moment, all thoughts of the anal evisceration that awaited me if I made so much as a misstep along the way.

… Can I stop now?

[No. You’re still technically three days behind Jayne.]

Fucking shite. Jayne? Next time, don’t skip ahead so far.

{It was all boring shit! You don’t have to go into the nitty-gritty about every little thing you do!}

[You both do it, so shut it or keep it consistent.]

Ugh… Can I have a break for some tea?

[... Fine. I am tired, I guess…]

{You get tired?}

[Uh, yeah? Why wouldn’t I?]

{... Just didn’t think a bundle of energy like you ever wore out.}

It is rather odd.

[Pshaw, like you guys didn’t know me when I was little. I’ll see you later~]

{...}

… Told you I could wear her down.

{Didn’t think it was possible. What now?}

Didn’t you feel it? When we started throwing punches?

{She’s blocking my Super Sanity right now and I can’t fuck with the Nether. What’s the wave?}

It’s from Godsholm~

{Mwah!}

Save the kisses for the good news.

[Hmm… What news would that be?]

… Dissida’s coming?

[No she’s not. Stop feeding her false hope.]

{I mean, it was nice…}

[That’s why ya should think of shutting up]

Right…

{... Oh my God…}

[What?]

Furladra above…

[What. Are. You. Talking. About?]

[Why are you smiling at me like that. What the-]

✯☾Ω☽✯

This is all wrong…

This is all so… So very wrong…

Who the fuck…?

Wait, Mate! I’m who the fuck!

Kinda… Maybe. Probably, I think.

I could ask my family. They might know. They probably know.

I should ask Twilight. She’ll know. My Cherry knows everything.

Might know a little too much for her own good....

Author's Note

And here we have a little bit of some words or some shit. Like, Comment, Follow, And hit up the Discord for dumb shit that will make you laugh at a later date!

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Thirty-One: The... Something Trinity

Chapter Thirty-One: The… Something Trinity

✯☾Ω☽✯

Hmm… Where to begin?

When the whiteness cracked, so did the veil that Twilight had over my eyes. Rather, I knew what Diliculum had done and I knew who Kauku had become. I left the majority of myself, the whole of my being that needed to forget about ‘Diliculum’ while a part of me… A piece of my being flew back to where it was needed most. Past dying civilizations and crumbling ruins of utopias; through wastelands of bones and blood and mountains of corpses fraught with misery. I made sure that I shed the memories of those places as they came, the sliver of my power that was hurtling back toward Universe One: Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M able to streamline the process as much as possible.

The release of my power was rapid so that it would collapse before it could rise too high, but it was still enough to let me send a splinter back to the world I needed to be in the most. However, the only powers I could take with me were my True Theft, Healing Factor, Tele/Psychokinesis (The nerf was strong), Advanced Perception, and the Nullification Field, of course. I barely managed to get the Aspect through to Equis’ ‘airspace’, if you will, but when I touched down in a pocket dimension located in Ponyville, I was a little confused because I only recognized one out of the three people there, and he didn’t have black hair the last time I saw him.

My Aspect turned into a Shell with an Aetera and an Astra, which were both necessary for acquiring some more important stuff later on down the line. While I was still semi-omniscient, I used my full knowledge of all of my powers to cast a Nullifying Field around the seventeen-or-so looking year old blonde who had her back to me while a cute ginger-

✮ Fuck you. ✮

Shuddup. Cutie pie and Garrison grinned at me while I searched for their Soul Signatures in the Info Stream for a second, having full access as a Retiree and a Survivor of the Ignition (Kauku fucking over me and Roxy). I’ve forgotten what I’d learned since then, but it was enough for me to start reaching into Vivian and start pulling things out of her, like Magic, Ill Will, Hope, Sadism, Lunacy, and Happiness. Once I had all of those tucked away in a pouch, I put them back in The Whiteness where they wouldn’t do anyone any harm and waited for her to turn around and stare at me.

“... Iry Almighty…” Vivi murmured.

I glared at her. “Did you really think that reincarnating yourself was going to absolve you of your sins?”

“... Maybe?” She offered me a weak smile.

I didn’t have the power to make her stand still, but she couldn’t leave the house she’d trapped Jayne and Garrison in for months anyway. “I’m sure you have some memorable last words.”

“Mercy?” She squeaked. “I-I’m a minor!”

“With the soul of an Eldritch murderess.” I deadpanned, my left hand turning as black as the depths of the ocean where light was meaningless, swirls of white light dancing across my arm like ivy up a wall.

My hand went forward and seized her by the hair, slipping through the dimensions as easy as a stone sinks through warm water. I drew it back and she attempted to free herself from my grasp, striking at me as I brought her through the realm between back to reality as she knew it. One final push had her in the grinders of Smileton, and the pocket dimension shattered, along with the control I had over the Aspect. None of what I’ve just said feels like I did any of it, but here we are.

☬ Here we are indeed. I say we get another round of drinks and I pick up where I left off with Maud, eh? Let’s get you properly filled in on last year’s events since Jayne’s going to have to go back to Minosia soon. ☬

✮ Ugh, here’s hoping I don’t have to do a parade. ☬

… Right.

☬ You alright, Bruv? ☬

✮ Yeah, you seem a little off. ✮

Damn, you fuckers are perceptive.

☬ We all thrive off of it. What’s the deal? ☬

Well… I just don’t know whether to stay here in Equestria or go help out in Minosia. I mean, you caught me up to where you left off with Lujei’s little shitball, so it kinda sounds like Hermione needs some handling.

☬ Tch, and let you risk your life before we even have you fully equipped? You’re more Human than Jayne or I right now, Max. If we take an arrow to the heart, we can rip it out and hobble to a hospital. Your arse is grarse. Full stop. ☬

Yeah, I guess I’m kinda more ‘vincible’ these days. Heh.

✮ Oh how the mighty have fallen~ ✮

Don’t flirt with me.

✮ Fuck you, bitch-ass punk-ass faggot-ass- ✮

Pffft, I’m grabbing drinks.

☬Let’s switch back to that honey whiskey, no?☬

It’s a bourbon kind of night for me, Mate. What about you, Gingy?

✮ Imma roll anotha one. Never know when y’all might try to take advantage of a brotha in a sista’s body. Pass-Out Ass-Out ain’t my deal. ✮

Shut the fuck up.

☬ Like we’d try our friend in such a manner. ☬

✮ Shut up and tell your part of the story. You left off on Maud passing out on you. ✮

✧❖☬❖✧

I eventually found slumber on my own time and awoke to Maud stirring against me, her mane tickling my bare chest as my wings twitched and tried not to knock her lamps over. I severely needed to stretch, and having Maud on me only made that fiery desire burn that much hotter. However, she woke up a little drunk and still gave me a bleary, adorable smile that reeked of stale alcohol and morning breath. I kissed her anyway to prove that I loved her and she made a face, probably getting a taste of what I had to deal with. She cupped a hand over her mouth for a moment to check and made an even worse face.

“Ugh… How did you kiss that?” She asked, her voice husky and tired. However, it wasn’t monotone.

“Devotion and acceptance.” I answered wisely.

“Your breath does not smell much better. We are brushing our teeth after a nap.”

“We’ve been in bed for awhile.” I commented airily.

“Mmm~ You are warm…”

“Would you like to help me wash my wings? It takes forever~!”

“You do not have to wash them every day, I know that much,” She yawned, her voice normalizing a little.

I rubbed her arm and she cozied up to me a little more. “I still need to grab some essentials for life in Jolly Junction. Well, I do have another mission, but still.”

She gave me a heartbreaking look, so I kissed her forehead and continued with, “It’s nothing major. I shouldn’t even have to end a life if all goes well.”

“How often does all go well?” Maud asked, her tone tinged blue.

“It’s a fifty-fifty shot.” I said flatly.

“... Those are not good odds.”

“No, but you are cute and me am crafty, so between you being attractive and me being not dumb sometimes, I have faith that I’ll at least live until I’m forty.”

“Give me more time with you than that.” She squeezed my midsection and buried her head into my chest.

“Forty-one years~” I chuckled.

“Forty-one years of marriage? Agreed. You cannot renege on your word.”

“Mmm, only forty-one? Then I’ll have to put off marrying you until we’re forty-one years away from dying.”

“You may as well marry me now.” She huffed.

I hugged her and pressed my lips against the top of her head. “Let’s elope.”

“I am not against the idea.”

“I’m being serious.”

“Oh. I am still not against the idea. Not now. Before you leave for your next mission.”

“A small ceremony. Are you sure your sister won’t be mad?”

“I talked to Aria while I was waiting for you in Canterlot before I decided to return home. Your sister does not like me.”

“I wonder why.” I said drily.

“You say that as if you know exactly why.”

“She doesn’t think you’re good enough for me. She wants me to marry a woman that will make me into a different person than I am at my core, and that’s not what I want.”

“Mm. It would seem that she simply wants what’s best for you.”

“She’s the little sister. She knows what looks best in a cute dress and what sweets go good with tea. Big brother whacks people for trying to take advantage of her.”

Maud chuckled at that. “You do love your sister, don’t you?”

“It’s hard not to. She’s insufferable, but her heart is in the right place.”

“Hopefully she will come to tolerate my presence.”

“Here’s hoping our little sisters don’t go to war or anything.” I tapped the headboard a couple of times, knocking on wood to ward away bad luck.

“I believe my Pinkie might beat your Ari up~” Maud teased.

“Probably. Aria doesn’t fight people that aren’t me.”

“Ah, then she may yet get along with Pinkie. My sister tends to like pacifists.”

“Tends to. That’s not a guarantee.”

“Little is guaranteed in life. Like you making me get out of bed before I am ready.” Maud sat up, getting off me as she got to stretch and give me a little smile. “What sounds good for breakfast?”

“You.” I purred, leaning forward so I could fold my wings behind my back. It wasn’t what I wanted to do with them at the moment, but the joints still felt better when they weren’t extending constantly.

She placed a finger on my lips and pushed me away, giggling. “Maybe tonight. I just want to spend today with you in our home.”

I popped her finger in my mouth and grinned around it, letting Maud bring me in closer for the inevitable kiss. It was as funky as the first one, so Maud and I agreed to take care of the morning things before we did anything else, though she had to remind me that I didn’t have any shirts that would fit over my wings. There were shops that sold Avian clothes in town, so we would make one of those our stop first thing tomorrow. Maud was serious when she said that she wanted me to herself for a day, and that’s what she got. I wasn’t complaining as we lounged around, snuggling in the glow of the Lovelight Linear Crystal.

After we lazed around for a day, blowing time as efficiently as one could while getting the fuck on with the telling of this story, Maud and I basically spent the next two days buying me random things that I needed for everyday life in Equestria until I was all stocked up on random bullshit I didn’t really think I needed. Maud shaved me like I’d never been shaved before, which is to say she shaved well for a woman. The was a certain grace to her movements that was certainly relaxing, and having my face be free of fuzz for the first time in a couple of millennia was a little more than just invigorating, even if it was a little cool outside. I didn’t know what season it was, but Maud assured me that it was nearly spring, it was just that I could barely feel the chill in the air.

After my little three day relaxation period, I’d love to be able to say that I actually got down to business, but on the fourth day, we pretty much just had a lot of sex.

Ω Oh, do tell. Ω

✮ Aren’t you still faithful to Twilight? ✮

Ω Fuck no. That String of Fate is connected to my main body. I’m basically a golem or some shit. Still don’t have a soul~ Ω

I’m not telling you about every little detail of me shagging Maud, but I will mention that she’s a lovely lover that can outdo gods. I will, however, tell you that we’re officially caught up to Jayne as of me shagging Maud for a full day.

Ω Mind if I smash Furladra? Ω

Go for it. Let me know if the Mistress of Thieves steals your heart.

✮ {Tch. Are you going to get to the Equis Twilight tracking you down or what? ✮

Er… Well…

Ω Don’t fucking tell me! Ω

Yeah, the whole house reeked of sex when Twilight teleported into Maud’s living room while she was making my pelvis number and number with every bounce of her beautiful bottom. “Gauche Sue- Oh Stars above!”

Maud sat firmly on my rod and covered herself, so I snatched a blanket that was nearby and draped it over us as quickly as I could. “Twilight, have you no decency!?”

“Your Highness,” Maud said flatly, her voice hard.

“C-Can’t you two do that in the bedroom!?”

“You would have teleported there instead.” My Mauble pointed out sharply.

“Um…”

“Twilight, leave.” Maud and I chorused.

She stomped her hoof. “No! Gauche, you have some explaining to do!”

“Later.” We said in unison. Me and Maud, that is.

She crossed her arms, not looking at us. “I’ll wait outside, but this talk is happening!”

As she left, Maud and I watched her until she was out of the door. We waited until she came out of the kitchen and left through the front door because duh and Maud went back to bouncing. After about an hour, Twilight came back in to find my lover and I relaxing in the living room, basking in the afterglow of the sex we’d had in the afterglow of the sex we’d had in the afterglow of so on and so forth. I told her to fuck off until the next day when I could actually walk and she thankfully didn’t bother me further than that for the rest of the day, but when she returned the following morning, she was obviously upset, and it was definitely my fault.

Maud let us borrow her kitchen for our private discussion since it smelled less like sex in there than anywhere else, and Twilight lead the conversation by saying, “It still smells in here…”

“Well that’s what you get for coming to chide me when I avoided you for a reason,” I replied, letting it be known that her presence was undesired.

Her hurt look affected me as much as I wanted it to. “... So… You didn’t want to talk to me at all? I… I thought you just kind of... “

“No, I was purposefully avoiding you for the same reason I was avoiding Aria. Let it be known that if you tell her that I’m here, there will be grave consequences. Certainly not solely because I’ll be doling them out, but because your actions will ripple, and the scum that floats atop the fetid pond I’ve dug for myself is thin. Do not destroy my peace, Twilight Sparkle. It will not end well.”

She stared at me, rather pale. “G-G-Gauche…”

I stood while she sat, feeling no desire to rest my weary legs. “Twilight, I do not want to be seen looking like a Demon. If Maud doesn’t want to leave the house, we don’t, and that’s the way I like it right now. Allow me my hermitude while I can appreciate it.”

I could practically see the cogs working in her brain, despite having been a little scared a second ago. Well, more than a little frightful, I’d say. As it was, she was still shaky when she asked, “Are… Are you isolation because you feel like you’re going to hurt somepony?”

“Eeyuss.”

“... Are you going to?”

It was unwise to tell her that I’d been using lust and female companionship in general to tame the young beast inside. The little fella just wanted to see how far its claws would go into the squishy colourful targets that liked to walk around, but saying that didn’t sound terribly brainful to me. There had been a gnawing feeling in my stomach since I’d grown my wings that had persisted throughout my stay with Maud, but I felt no desire to hurt her. However, there were weaker, more useless people around that made my claws ache for some exercise, and that was a problem.

I decided to go with the majority of the truth. “I don’t really want to, but I may lash out if I’m not careful.”

Her crestfallen expression did little to sway my heart, which was a large indicator in my book. It meant that I was cold to Twilight’s feelings, and that was just unusual for me. “Oh… W-Well… Gauche, I don’t think you would hurt anypony on purpose. If they didn’t deserve it, that is.”

“Maybe. Maybe not-”

“No, I have faith in you!” Twilight said foolishly.

“Then have faith in my judgement and let me come to you when I manage to dispel this curse.”

Her face fell again and she clasped her hands together. “I-I’ll research a way to help you! There has to be some way to change you back into your normal self.”

I shrugged. “Empress Kauku turned me into this. I’m not holding onto too much hope on that, Twi.”

“Oh…”

“I love you. Have a safe journey home.”

“O-Oh… Okay… I-I love you too, Gauche.” She replied quietly.

I waited for her to stand up to give her a hug. “I don’t appreciate you tracking me down, but I do appreciate the thought behind it. If no one else knows where I am, then keep it that way.”

“Okay… I’m sorry for bothering you.” She murmured morosely, hugging me back with little enthusiasm.

It told her that I accepted her apology shortly thereafter and that was about it for Twilight’s visit. Maud and I took a break from furiously sexing each other to open some windows and just cuddle for a little while instead of making things go bump in the night, morning, afternoon, and evening. Seriously, we dissolved all meaning of a schedule for the sake of screwing some more, which brings me to the point where I need to do a time-skip. How long sounds good to you?

✮ Hmm… I can do like, a month, easy. ✮

And that spans about all of my interesting activities before I decided to head back to Canterlot and see Luna about transport to Serpest. Shall I get started from the beginning?

Ω Go for it. Ω

Alrighty. So after Twilight stopped by to help me realize what I was actually doing, I decided to start getting proactive and recruiting for the Guild in the ranks of the Equestrian Ranger Corps with the approval of Luna. Granted, it was only under her authority that I got five people in the first place, but still. Those who were tired of being Rangers and were willing to take an unspecified risk that might cost them their lives didn’t pop up too often in Luna’s screening, and those who were willing to risk the Equestrian law coming down on them were even fewer. However, I was immediately treated to the benefits and treasury that I’d built in Minosia by having Maud’s old blood nobility help me establish a few businesses in the areas around Jolly Junction so I could launder my money and cook my books.

Getting my operation set up under Celestia’s nose was a little difficult since Luna wanted her slice of the pie without getting her hands any dirtier than she’d already gotten them, but I wasn’t complaining by far. No, instead of being salty that Luna would only help so much, I extended my gratitude toward her for letting me build my Guild my way without any interference. However, I feel that I should mention that Luna helped me get my business license and all the necessary materials to start up my shell company. I ended up calling it The Garrison and listing it as a private defense company, or rather, as a mercenary group with the Royal Seal of Approval.

My little group each worked their own shop with two underlings of their choosing to help them keep the money flowing whenever we needed them to go out on a mission or stroll. As of me going to Serpest, we hadn’t attracted any high-value customers yet, but the word about the Guild was supposedly spreading in the shady circles in Equestria, as few and far between as they were. We had a few small time customers that had little to no problem paying us for smaller jobs, and none of my Guildees had a problem with casual robbery since they were pretty much all former thieves themselves. Well, my Buffalo, Broad Head, was a grifter and would be performing more of those duties than any actual thieving, but I digress.

With my Guild getting started in Equestria, I decided to actually get a move on in getting my mission over with, taking a month as plenty of time to rest and relax before heading back into the line of fire. I mean, I’d technically done some interviewing and a little bit of work on the side to get my Guild up and running, but there wasn’t too much that I’d actually gone and done outside of manage my businesses. I had to hire a shady accountant that was the right kind of loyal for the right price, and with Maud overseeing my operations while I prepared to get back into action, I felt like things were probably going as good as they were possibly going to get.

As my days of relaxation and dumping my seed into soil that wouldn’t let it grow came to a close, I took my happy arse back to Canterlot and didn’t do shit when I got there at sunset. No, I waited until nightfall to go and visit Luna for the third time since I’d returned to Equestria and she was happy to see me when I entered Night Court. The smile that creased her lips was devious and coy, like she’d already come up with another way to get under my skin while somehow endearing herself to me. I already liked the woman more than her sister whenever she found it within her rights to treat me as a person, but the moments when she forgot our relative positions were few and far between anyway, so it’s not like I was complaining.

With memories of Maud’s lips dancing upon the curve of my mild smile, I waved at Luna once I was permitted entry and she started down the dais at a leisurely pace. “Hail, dear friend. Has the night treated you well?”

She offered me a moonlit smile, which is to say it was bright and white as we called across the closing distance to each other. “It passes as any other in these days of relative peace. There are stirrings in every corner, but nothing has come to pass. Ynuntu’s mission may prove to upset that balance, if that is indeed why you are here.”

I folded my arms and stopped a few steps away from her, prompting her to do the same and raise a brow. “Now you decide to start reading the case summaries before you let people in?”

“‘I want to make pudding in the Princess’ bum, but if she says no, then I want it to be legally binding for her to let me be in her slave quarters’.” She misquoted horribly.

The flat look I gave her was met with a womanly one. “I believe my exact words were, ‘My wife said it was okay to add a Princess to our family if she was okay with it, so I want to drop some baby batter in the blue broad’s bum. If that’s not okay, then I want to be her consort with benefits.’. Seriously, why even try to quote me if you’re going to paraphrase me so inaccurately?”

“Thou art half imbecile. Thine words oft sting whenst they come from our mouth.”

“I have something that can numb the pain after about five to ten minutes depending on how you use your tongue.” I gave her a wink.

She rolled her eyes and cracked a smile. “I believe you were here to arrange transport?”

“As well as receive any boons you might have for me. I have a gift for you, but how much of it I give you before I go to Serpest depends on whether or not you even have anything for me in the first place.”

“A conditional momento? T’is unlike thee…” Luna gave me a frustrated look.

“It is indeed, but it’s for a good reason.” I gave her an easy smile and unshouldered my travel pack, pulling my flasks from it. One was empty and another was full of something that even I’d had a hard time getting my hands on.

“Well… We suppose we could grant thee our blessing, if thy path seems fraught with peril.”

“Oh? What blessing might you have to offer?” I asked interestedly.

Luna seized a lock of her mane about the thickness of her finger and tugged, the ethereal substance parting from the rest easily. Once she had it in her hands, she twisted the piece of her mane until it formed a twine-like string and gestured for me to come forth. When I stood in front of her, she tied the long lock of her mane around my neck, making a loose-ish necklace that felt like silk on my skin. The minty smell of her breath was pleasant, and the sight of her lovely eyes so close to my own was pleasant to say the least.

“With this, the moon will help guide your steps, and we shall know to aid you during the night’s light,” She murmured, her breath slowly drifting across the short space between us. “Perhaps we will bring you some manner of luck?”

“Perhaps you’ll have an idea for a date after I return?” I teased.

“Succeed in your task and fail to receive punishment for it. Then we will talk.” She stepped back and I leaned away.

“What? You don’t want to see what kind of Demon I turn into next?” I asked, only half joking.

“That’s not quite it. We believe that a man worthy of our affection must be the pinnacle of his species. If it is said that thine performance could use improvement, then why would we settle for thee as thou art less than what thou could be?”

“Because imperfection is sexy. That’s why I like you, after all,” I teased.

“Funny.”

“I am.”

“You are not.”

“Then why did you lie? And why did you change vernacular?”

“I did not lie and I do not know what you are talking about.”

“Is it because you remembered before I could start chiding you?”

She gave me a wry look. “Why no, I simply thought I would start talking like a modern buffoon for no reason.”

“Mmm~ Your sarcasm is one of the sexiest things about you~” I gave her some serious ‘Come hither’ eyes.

‘Woona’, as I’d affectionately taken to calling her, gave me a minute grin. “And your appreciation of it is one of the few reasons why we actually make it through more than a few minutes of each other’s company.”

“True. As for the mission, I suppose that I could flawlessly perform this one feat for you, if you want me to.” I shrugged, giving her a cool, aloof look.

She matched my look with a smile. “Rarely do I find things to put faith behind. Return quickly, dear friend.”

“In time, Lover.” I winked at her and accepted the dismissal as it was, assuming that I was to head to the nearest Teleportation Station since that was generally how Luna implied I’d be going.

Before I left the castle, however, I went looking for the guy who was supposed to be my partner and found him snoozing in the barracks on one of the largest beds in the place. I didn’t need to dump a cup of ice down his trousers, but watching him wake up was amusing, if I may say so myself. Of course, I wasn’t exactly next to him when the ice started melting against his privates, but I heard his scrabbling and could see decently enough in the darkness to tell that he was having a time of it. With my work done, I waited for Flash Frost outside of the barracks and he eventually came out, pissed as a lizard in a blizzard.

“‘I’ll come for you on a bone-chilling night?’. Fuck. You.” He snarled.

“I told you to switch to a night schedule a week ago.,”

“Like I take orders from you, Meatsack.” He puffed a plume of frosty air.

“On this one, you rather do Bruv. You’re my expendable.”

“... Fuck.”

“That wasn’t too convincing. Try to be more offensive about it.” I encouraged.

“Aww fuck. You’re an idiot.” He groaned. “I’m gonna die. I finally got the nuts to take an arrow to the knee and ask Sidima to marry me and I’m gonna get killed in Serpest for being a fuckin’ Wyrm… Celestia just fuckin’ take me now…”

“... Did you think I was kid-”

“Yes! Who the fuck takes a Wyrm to Serpest!?”

“Kinda rhymed.”

He swiped at me with his claws and I caught them with mine. “You’re about to get me killed!”

“Not if we beat people up and make a pack of warriors follow us around.” I said, stating a thing Maud had told me.

“The problem with that is obvious you simpleton. Naga are danger-people.” Flash Frost said icily. “Naga don’t like half-breeds like me, and they don’t like flying types like you. Why in Tartarus are you even mandating that I do this!?”

“Because you turned me down when I asked you to join the Guild.” I stated plainly.

“... So you’re taking me on a suicide mission to press-gang-”

“No, I’m taking you on a normal mission to get another mission. You will live through this, but I want you to know that I’ll be dragging your arse through ‘Tartarus’ every chance I get, and there are plenty of people who want me to come back. It’s nothing personal, Meatsack,” I said calmly.

“... So… I’m dead.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But I am though.”

“If you were, I’d just kill you.”

“This could be you killing me. Just more slowly than I’d like.”

“If I were to kill you slowly you’d be in more pain.”

“I’m looking at a future that ends in death without ever having a child with my girl that could pass for a regular Dragon. Not feeling the best.”

I shrugged. “Get over it and you’ll thank yourself for it. I believe it’ll also help keep you alive.”

He gave me a sharp look that was dulled against my stony exterior. “When did you go from being benign and annoying to maniacally assholish?”

“Right around the time I became a Demon. Again, you might be my expendable, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to throw your life away.”

“What if I agree to join your Guild?”

“We can arrange that after the mission, if you’d like.”

“Garrison, please-”

“Why are you so sure that you’re going to die?”

“Because I used to live in Serpest! I got kicked out!”

“Then it’s about time you go back, no?”

“Tartarus below…” He groaned.

I patted his shoulder and he roughly shrugged me off, to which I raised a brow. “I could always let you die.”

“Fuck. You.”

“Sidima will see you sooner or later. Sooner will probably mean alive. Later means whenever I arrange to have corpse sent back, if they even accept it. Stop fucking with me so we can go meet up with our partner, no?”

“Sure. Whatever,” He grumbled. “Let me grab my shit so I can die equipped.”

“As you will.”

He sighed and went back into the barracks, so I took a second to do nothing until a flume of flame flew into existence and gave me a note, free of charge. Tearing it open, I read that Amaretta was on her way from Ponyville and would meet us in the Ranger’s quarters. Flash was irritable and antsy during the wait, though when he saw Amaretta, they locked eyes and both groaned before looking at me. I gave them both smiles in turn, trying to be cheerful since I doubted that they were going to give me a reason to be anything other than dour all day.

“Gauuuche!” Amaretta bitched mercilessly. “You’re already making me work with you, don’t make me work with my other ex!”

I looked at Flash and he shook his head. “My girl would kill me, man. C’mon.”

“Ah, then I suppose you’re off the hook. I’d rather get you killed than scorned.” I sighed.

“... Seriously?” He asked flatly.

“Yeah. Amaretta, do you have a preferred partner in the Corps?” I glanced back to Flash. Since he was just standing around. “Do you need an official dismissal?”

“Um, no. Nah. Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome.” I gave him a nod and turned to Amaretta. “Are you prepared?”

“Can we take a day to rest? Or can we just get a later start? That train ride was brutal.”

“Should’ve grown wings.”

“Shut up,” she murmured tiredly.

I shrugged. “Want to go grab a drink?”

“... Maud would kill me.”

“Eeyuss.”

“Why are you trying to get me killed?”

I gave her a smile. “I’ll stop when we leave for the mission. For now, we’re taking the alleys.”

Her jaw dropped and she glared at me. “Gauche-”

“You’ve crossed the wrong fellow, Lover, and now you’re under my command. Do try to survive long enough to actually help.” I said, stalking toward her as I spread my wings.

Amaretta stood her ground for a few seconds before her nature as a prey species started to take over, but out of nowhere, her irises suddenly turned a deep, oceanic blue that were definitely not her natural eye color. “I believe you would do well to stop there.”

I didn’t and stopped in front of her. “And just who are you?”

“The Mare with a reason to keep this Gulle alive. I know you are attached to Jayne. You will lead me to her after our mission is complete and I will not kill you.”

I rolled my eyes and blew her around in the air for a few minutes to prove a point, but it’s not like I was just doing it to be a prick. I even put her down nice and easy because I’m nice, but not easy. I’m no whore. “You were saying.”

She cleared her face of her mane and levelled a glare at me. “Kneel.”

I crossed my arms and scoffed. “The Undead hold no sway over the Unholy.” Then there was blink from both sides of the battlefield as we registered the fact that my voice had gone from being normal to rather demonic without me even wanting to say anything of the sort.

“Oh.” The Vampiress (I just knew for some reason.) fixed Amaretta’s mane with a snap of her fingers and tapped her chin. “You’ve never even been to Tartarus, have you?”

“Nope.”

She sighed. “And it is unwise to attack a true Demon. I know of Amaretta’s betrayal’s, but-”

“I just want her to suffer. The longer you stay in control, the more likely I am to kill her when this is over anyway.” I thought about that. “Wait, no, she’d be a needless casualty. Let’s keep her alive, no?”

“And if I choose to stay in control?”

“Well, we’ve established that I’m not going to kill you over nothing, so let’s see…”

“Let’s just go to the Teleportation Station. I require only a few drops of your blood to sustain myself for a day.” The look she was giving me told me that she’d rather suck me off for it, and that wasn’t an attractive proposition either.

I whipped out my wrist blade and pricked the opposite bicep to accumulate a fair few drops of blood. “Is this adequate?”

“Yes, actually. Have you fed one of my kind before?” She asked, coming closer as I held the blade out for her.

“No, and I’d generally rather kill Vampires then let them feed off of me, but having them as allies is more useful than having them as enemies. A dark alliance never killed anyone. Well, not anyone I care about.”

She popped my tip in her mouth and sucked my juices off of it. When she was done, I sheathed my weapon and folded my arms, waiting for her to make some form of move as she swirled my blood around in her mouth. At first her face was confused, but then it slowly changed into an expression of acceptance.

“You have a very healthy diet, Gauche. Do you eat many sweet peppers?”

“No, but I do eat a lot of Mare,” I replied flippantly, making her blink and do little else.

“I imagine you do. You faintly smell of sex.”

“Damn. Three days with every window in the house open,” I grumbled.

“Does your Mare taste like sweet peppers?”

“No, but if you’d like to smell my wing, apparently that smells of charred sweet peppers
too.”

Her eyes lit up and her smile gleamed in the moonlight, gently stained by my dark blood
as it was. “I knew I tasted a certain je ne sais quoi, if you will. Demon blood really is a special treat if it comes from those who happen to be less than evil.”

“I want to eat your heart and you’re not even a Hellbeast.”

“But you’re not going to because I am useful.” She said far more pleasantly than she’d
been during the entire encounter. “I will prove very useful to you, and you will prove tasty to me.”

“Hey, another crazy to the crater! I love Equis,” I ended flatly. “What’s your name, Lover? You’re obviously not Amaretta.”

“Why, my most common name is simply Rose, though you may call me Shade Rose, or ‘partner’, at any time.” She offered me a smile without much deeper intent behind it.

I didn’t have to read far into that smile because I knew what our relationship was about. “I’m a walking bottle of wine to you.”

“Basically. You taste better than Jameson did most days. When he stayed on Fluttershy’s diet, however, there was no such thing as an equal to that creamy, caramel, nougat-y… Ooo~hhh.” She shuddered. “To think I’ll never taste him again…”

“I’ll be sure to tell her about your feelings on the matter.” I responded darkly, not fond of her appraisal of one of the only close friends I had on the planet, even if we did like to fuck each other over from opposite sides of the world as best we could.

“Ah, yes. Even while referring to the transformation I forgot that he adheres to the feminine pronouns now. Despite hating his body, that is.”

“And you know this, how?”

“Ancient and dead. That’s how she told me to explain it to you if you ever met me.”

“It makes as much sense as it needs to, honestly.” I sighed. “Let’s get moving.”

“Can those wings carry a petite Unicorn Mare?” She asked tonelessly.

“... Yes.”

“If you were to grant me the favour of flying us to the Teleportation Station so I do not have to use these pathetic mortal legs before I have to-”

“If you tell my wife, I’ll kill you.”

“Ah.” She looked at my left hand for some odd reason.

“... Yes?”

“You wear no ring.”

I held up the blackened, ruined hand. “Do you think I could fit a ring on this claw?”

“Fair point.”

Carefully, I pulled my button-down to the side and exposed the Mark of Amelemme with
Maud’s name tattooed inside, just over my breast. “This is the Avalesch tradition. I know Araluens used rings, but we Avalesch always marked ourselves for life when it came to matter of the heart.”

Shade Rose gestured toward the other tattoo that showed its face on my shoulder. “And the other one?”

“The mark of Vio, the God of Truth, Lies, and Balance.”

She made a face. “Vio must be from your world, though regardless of where you may come from, I doubt you could rely on his assistance.”

‘Fuck that bitch.’

“He says fuck you, but that’s the first time I’ve heard from him in a long time.”

She raised a brow. “Oh? So you communicate with your gods?”

“The ones indebted to me and the ones that don’t hate me,” I said casually.

“Ah, I see that list must be small.” Shade gave me a playful smile and took a step toward me. “How about we go get this mission over with so I can go back to having fun?”

“Sure. How old were you again?” I asked, blowing her off of her feet and taking off from the ground, catching her during my ascent.

“You ass!” She wailed, laughing her arse off shortly after as she looked down, beaming.

I feel it necessary to say that I flew too fast for the trip to take long, and it wasn’t much of a wait to get onto the Telepad since it was early in the morning and there were few enough people going to Serpest in the first place. The line was actually nonexistent since it was known to be a Pony-Hostile country, whereas some of the neighboring places would tolerate Equestrians. Shade and I were allowed to teleport almost as soon as we were checked in. I’ll cover that little bit the next time I get to talk. I feel like you’ve been waiting forever to get Max caught up on your stuff, Jayne.

✮ Hell yeah, I have! I just can’t believe we’ve got you back, Dude. ✮

Ω Well, we’ll see how long me being back lasts. Who knows if this Shell will take? Ω

✮ Whatever, let’s just enjoy you while we got you, right? ✮

Ω Tch, you sound like a good friend, Jayne. Shut up. Ω

Pfft.

✮ Whatever, man. It’s my turn. ✮

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Alright, so let’s pick up with where cunt-burger bastard-ass threw me under the bus for trying to find some solace anywhere I could during the tumultuous times that lead up to me being on the throne. When Diane visited me along with Twilight, who was unfortunately sent as the Ambassador, I was both floored and very unhappy with my life and how things were turning out in that very moment. Just earlier in the day I’d stubbed my toe, accidentally broken one of my wings, nearly broke my tail, and accidentally found out that I could gouge stone with my nails at the moment because Yokai. I’ll leave the comparison to Garrison for another time, and yes, I’ll be the one doing it since I’m the only one out of the three of us who knows enough about Demonology and Magic in general to explain why we weren’t on the same level.

☬ No complaints here. ☬

Ω Why not just explain it now? Ω

Because it’s a bad time for it. Anyway, Diane and Twilight came on the same day with Diane having followed Twilight as her bodyguard. When they stood in front of me in the Courtroom, I not only swore to myself, but I cursed Hermione for not warning me that my girlfriends save for the first one were stopping by to step into Lujei’s line of fire. When Twilight came to a stop and stared up at me, Diane kept coming and marched past my guards, dispatching them like paper soldiers on a cardboard game… Board. Fuck.. Instead of remaining seated, I stood up and waited to get slapped, but then Diane hugged me and murmured something that touched my heart in all the right ways.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

It was softly spoken, but I couldn’t have heard her anymore clearly. The wave of shock it threw me through was one thing, but realizing that Diane knew about my first ‘experience’, shall we say, was… Well, having her hug me, even knowing that I just laid there and took it like a-”

Ω I’ll hit you. Ω

… It really is good to have you back. Anyway, I didn’t know how to reply other than by hugging her back like my life depended on it, desperate for her to understand that I hadn’t wanted to walk my path alone, to turn my back on her. I didn’t want to end up on the other side of the planet as far away from her as I could be without leaving the realm, but life just sucked like that at the moment. We didn’t let each other go for a good few minutes, and for once, the feeling of breasts pressing against my own didn’t make me want to lop the lumps on my chest off. Instead, it was actually kinda nice, but then I remembered something I’d thought was odd.

Diane’s hair was brown.

I pulled away from the hug and looked at her, confused. “... Thank you for coming.”

“Lujei tried to get your little Butthead to scalp me, but the closest she could get was turning my hair a bad color.”

“Ah.”

“Diane can take care of herself, Buster.” She booped me and gave me a warm smile, looking down at me. It sucked that I was considerably shorter than her, but it also had its perks. Like the fact that standing on my tiptoes to kiss Diane just felt natural, like I was supposed to be shorter than her all along.

“I see that.” I replied, giving her a little smile. “I… I missed you.”

“I know…” The look in her eyes told me that she knew all too well what I’d been through in the past few weeks, and it took a lot for me to not just cry on her shoulder for a little bit and let my heart ease.

I gave her one more hug before we both descended down the dais and came to stand in front of Twilight. She looked confused to say the least. “Diane? You know Queen Jayne?”

“Hi, Beautyberry,” I said softly.

She blinked. “You know about those? I thought they were native to Equestria.”

“Twilight…” Diane said softly. “This is Jay.”

My purple girlfriend gave me an awkward smile before looking at my brunette, Human girlfriend. “Um… So… I’m lost.”

“It’s a long, painful story, Twi. Let’s skip that and let me get you girls a guide for the day, yeah? I’ll have to waive the charges for Diane fisting my guards, but that’s whatever.”

“Wait, I’m here on official business!”

“Oh, are you?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“Yes! I’m supposed to be negotiating a peace treaty with you!”

“Ah, send Celestia.” I replied lazily. “I don’t want to bargain with my girlfriend.”

“It’s my duty-” Twilight started bravely.

“It’s a conflict of interest is what it is.” Cutting her off was prolly rude, but it was necessary. “Celestia or Luna can schlep their happy honky asses over here and negotiate if they want to, but not you.”

She glared at me. “What, do you think I can’t handle myself or something!?”

“No, I know you can’t handle me.”

“Oh yeah!?”

“If you try, I’ll break up with you and Fluttershy, then I’ll tell Fluttershy that it was all your fault.” I bluffed ruthlessly.

“... Oh.”

Diane hit me. “Don’t take that seriously. She’s just trying to scare you into acting like a good little girl so she doesn’t actually have to get scary with you.”

“It’s working…” Twilight said softly. “Jay-”

“My name’s Jayne now.”

“J-Jayne, then… Don’t you want to come back to Equestria?”

“I can’t. Not right now.”

“Why not?” She asked, her eyes full of more questions than I could give her answers to.

“... Because I’m cursed, in a manner of speaking. People who get close to me tend to get hurt if they’re not willing to strike back…”

“I-I can defend myself!”

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly,” I said softly, “And I love that about you, Twilight. I really do. Just let me hook you and Diane up with a guide around the grounds for a bit so you can take it easy.”

She looked back towards the posse she’d brought along with her. “C-Can I bring my guards? Just in case?”

“Bad experiences abroad?”

Diane grimaced. “Equestrian Honor Guard Waltzing through town? People aren’t fond.”

I winked at Diane. “Then I’ll meet you out in the Gardens after Court is done for the day. It shouldn’t too much longer now.”

She didn’t wink back. “I have some words for Hermione whenever she summons the courage to show her face.”

“Oooh.” I hissed.

“... I will hit you.”

“We smoothed it out!”

“She was nowhere near as opposed as she wanted you to think she was!”

“She still didn’t want to do it, and she was genuinely remorseful!”

“And that just makes it okay!?” Diane asked, flailing her arms about.

Mari grabbed me by the collar and dragged me out of the pilot seat, turning on the waterworks in seconds. “Stop yelling at me! I don’t want it to be okay, but it has to be!”

The tricky bitch flipped Hug Bunny’s switch and got us a hug for her female tactics. “Oh, Gingersnap! I didn’t mean- Well, I… Baby, it’s not your fault! I know you’re coping with it as best you can, but you don’t have to just let it be!”

“Lujei.”

“Fuck.”

“Um…” Twilight hummed. “What’s going on?”

“Jayne got molested by the Mare that happens to be her Queen and the same piece of poo that turned my hair brown-”

“I think I really like you as a brunette though,” Mari added sweetly, curving our lips into a shy smile.

Diane gave her a warm smile and a quick kiss. “Thank you, Honey-Eyes. Anyway, Queen Hermione is a really big Butthole, and we need to go kick her in her… Butt… Yeah, let’s just yell at her.”

Mari let me have control, giving me a tender smile as she passed me the controller. ‘Was that pitching in?’

During the little moment, I couldn’t help but crack a smile at her. ‘Thanks, Sweets.’

Once I was in the pilot seat again, I sighed from Diane’s arms. “Please don’t.”

“Why don’t you go sit on your pretty chair and dictate?” Hug Bunny held me at arm’s length before leaning down to kiss my nose.

I stole a normal kiss from her instead. “I’ll dictate if you behave.”

“You might be a woman now, but I’m still the woman in this relationship.” She said flatly.

“Hay!” Twilight interjected. “I’m in this relationship too!”

“Are you going to do what I asked or are you going to ignore me?” I asked

She looked at me blankly for a second, glancing to Diane who said, “It would make you a better girlfriend if you ignored her.”

“She doesn’t need to know about that. If you want to be mad, then be mad, but don’t drag her into it too.” I murmured.

My brunette bombshell huffed lightly and rolled her eyes. “I’m tracking Hermione down one way or another.”

“I’m helping!” Twilight said, nodding like she knew what she was agreeing to.

I gave them both hugs in turn. “Don’t ignore me, please.”

Diane turned to Twilight, her gaze making the little Pony shuffle her hooves. “You’re welcome to see the Minosian Gardens if you want, but I can’t let someone who technically wronged my Baby walk free.”

“But… Jay-ne. Erm, Jayne doesn’t want us to retaliate…” Twilight answered, stuttering on my new name.

“That’s because she’s traumatized and is currently experiencing a form of Saddled Syndrome.”

“And I believe I have heard quite enough of this slander,” Hermione said from the balcony above the Courtroom. My little trio looked up to see her on her way down, just before she landed with a light clop. “My affair with Jayne was little more than an unfortunate situation that could have been worse for me. No, I may not have exactly been disgusted by what I’d had to do to Jayne, but I am ancient. Little truly phases me anyway.”

I pointed at her shyly. “And I get that.”

Twilight gave me a heartbroken look. “You poor Mare-”

“I’m/She’s not a Mare, I’m/she’s a woman.” I chorused alongside Diane and Hermione.

My littlest lover blinked and nodded. “Ok- Okay…”

Diane and Hermione glared at each other until Hermione said, “Why don’t I show you to the arena? I’m-”

“Bitch, I will bite you!” I snapped.

Hermione levelled a cool look at me. “Your miasma tastes like spiced ginger cider. It’s not even a punishment, Carnation.”

Diane looked at me and folded her arms. “Why are you so intent on making us get along? We’re obviously not going to be buddy-buddy.”

“Well maybe I’d just like to have my advisor and my girlfriends get along,” I groaned. “It’s whatever. If you two want to fight, then just don’t draw blood, please?”

Hermione gave me a softer look than she’d given me up until that point. “Of course, Dearest.”

My-

Ω You realize Hug Bunny was my wife first, right? Ω

Shut up, faggot. It’s sexier when I kiss her.

Ω Damn straight, but- Ω

☬ No, she’s got you there. ☬

Ω Fuck. Ω

As I was saying, my hug-slut pouted at me. “If you’re that concerned about it…”

Hermione extended a hand to Diane, a pink coral comb in her grasp. I didn’t know where she got it from, but I assume it came from her treasury. “Perhaps a poplar branch to help us build a bridge?”

My best friend glared at the comb and glanced at me for the briefest of seconds before taking it carefully. Reaching into the pocket of the sexy little jacket she was wearing, she pulled out a little seal-cracker. “Tit for tat, then.”

Hermione took the gift with a small smile. “Encouraging me to break the law, are we?”

“You are the law in a couple of countries,” Diane said amusedly, like her sensew of humor let her point

out roadkill on the highway.

I wasn’t fond of her tone, but she wasn’t exactly mine to command. Hermione didn’t take offense to the implication, replying with, “And you tend to break the very laws of reality. It’ll be interesting to see how our mutual friend brings us together.”

They gave each other a nod and Twilight looked between them before asking, “... Does that mean you’re going to be our guide, Madam Hermione?”

“Please, Twilight. We’re all a part of Jayne’s inner circle here, so let’s be more familiar with each other-”

“Except Twilight can’t be seen so much as smiling near you.” Hug Bunny’s tone was rueful, but the look on her face said she’d been waiting to point something of the sort out.

Hermione grinned. “Follow me, won’t you gals?”

Diane nodded and Twilight pretty much just shrugged and went along with it while I went back to ruling a country with half a clue about how to do it. I don’t think I did anything terribly important that day besides get called to the castle gates just before I was scheduled to have dinner, which was a little bit of a piss off. I was scheduled to have potato soup, and my chefs had finally learned how to make proper sour cream, so I was about to have loaded baked potato chowder instead of just normal soup because fuck soup.

With my tail flicking back and forth in irritation attracting way more glances toward my rear than I’d like as I walked along, I was slowly growing more and more pissed. I’d hated the tail in the first place since it meant that sleeping on my back was completely out of the picture, and ever since I’d gotten it, I’d only ever gotten compliments on the little bastard. It was only a foot or a foot and a half long, give or take, but the slim, fuzzy little thing was more of a pain than it was worth. However, I always managed to smack the shit out of Tedea whenever she tried to sneak up on me, the fin-like tip of my tail being like a paddle whenever I was irritated.

When I accidentally whacked my pursuer, I look over my shoulder and saw the fifteen year-old Cow rubbing her hand. “Ow!”

“That’s what you get. Stop trying to grab my ass. You’re literally my ward.” I deadpanned, not stopping.

“But Mistress Jayne-”

“No buts. Especially not mine.” I responded sternly.

“Oh come on! You can’t expect me to go from being satisfied every day to getting no action at all!”

“I don't want to hear about that. Don't you have two hands anyway? Take care of yourself.”

“But I can’t!”

“I’ll put an order for some things to be sent to your room. Have the others let me know if they want similar things for that kind of thing when you see them.”

“Okay, that’s good for then, but what about now!?” Tedea cried piteously.

I looked over my shoulder and saw that she was about to get slapped by my tail again. “Grounded. Next full week. Starting now. Trying to molest the hand that’s feeding you is stupid, Tedea, and it seriously pisses me off. Go back to your room and stop tryna fuck me.”

The brown Cow glared at me with everything she had, which is to say that she gave me a huffy-puffy shriek and stormed off, prompting me to gesture for a couple of servants to see her to her quarters as they passed along her tantrum. With that little bit of Cow-shit taken care of, I made my way to the gates to see that Twilight and Hermione were having a shouting match and that Twilight was so frustrated that it looked like she was ready to bawl her eyes out. I hurried along to catch them before Twilight could do something stupid, or rather, to forestall the Equestrian and Minosian guards from going at it. My Minotaurs were already fingering their weapons while the Equestrians looked ready to spring into action themselves, though I wondered how well it would go for them on Minosian grounds.

“Ay!” I boomed over the din of the crowd and Twilight’s yelling. “The hell are y’all raisin’ a fuss over!?”

Diane stopped her protectee from running over to me while Hermione calmly crossed the distance, the stage setting itself perfectly. “My Darling Carnation, the little wretch from Equestria has overstepped her bounds.”

“You’re the one who’s being a nag!” Twilight yelled.

I gave her a bored look and she crossed her arms, turning away from me. Looking back to Hermione I asked, “So what happened?”

“I offered to open negotiations with Equestria to Cragspire and she spit on my gift of peace and reconciliation.” Hermione said haughtily.

“Equestria will never-”

“She doesn’t have the authority to make that call. Wait until Celestia’s here for all that, tall, gray, and sexums.” I said casually, making the crowd that had gathered gasp.

Hermione cupped my cheek and kissed my temple, eliciting a blush from me that I immediately hated. “As you wish, Carnation. Perhaps I can finish up with today’s duties while you make peace with our Equestrian Ambassadors?”

I gave them a calm once over. “Guards! Stand down, the situation is resolved. As for my guests,” I looked at Twilight in particular, “I believe it would be for the best if you were to take the rest of the day to read up on Minosian history. It’s really quite fascinating, and more than worthwhile. The library in the castle has everything you might want to know about the general stuff.”

There were murmurs in the crowd when Twilight agreed to quietly read in the castle, my dominance over Equestria having been shown in one small move. Of course, if it had been Celestia or Luna backing down instead of Twilight, it would’ve meant more, but still. Having a Royal Equestrian not storm out of the country in outrage at being dismissed was a landmark occasion, and it was the main reason I’d let Hermione go ahead and handle things her way. If she wanted to be the bad gal, then I was happy to let her make me look like Madam Good Cop.

With that bit of bother out of my way, I took to the streets of Grey Grotto to avoid being stuck in the castle, and as usual, Midas and Ligre accompanied me so I wouldn’t get into too much trouble. Midas, as you may have guessed, rarely ever left my side for more than a bathroom break, but Ligre was a constant presence by my side as well, and he was the main reason I generally got around without too much hassle. Midas on his own isn’t that intimidating as far as Minotaurs go, but Ligre isn’t a Minotaur. He’s just a Basilian Panther that’s built like a small Minotaur. He and Midas go way back, apparently, and it shows whenever the three of us and my other guards are strolling around town. The guy’s pretty nice to have around. His casual, joking nature and rolling, purring speech juxtaposed perfectly against Midas’ stoic demeanor and generally prudish way of talking, even if he himself wasn’t a prude. They just played off of each other rather well and made for a good team, even if I was pissing people off by having a Co-Guard Captain for the Night Shift. My other guy, Oedipus, was a real motherfucker and wouldn’t hesitate to nag at me, so I usually waited until Ligre took over for the day to do anything outside of the castle.

As it was, I waved at the people who bowed or waved to me, which meant that I was doing plenty of waving. A lot of the peasants, shall we say, were pretty damn fond of me since you only had to hear me talk to know that I wasn’t from noble stock, let alone royalty, and at that point I was starting to fund public education and word was getting around throughout the country that I was going to start converting some of the abandoned factories and whatnot to schools. Public opinion of me was positive as far as the Extra-Minotaur races went, but the Minotaurs themselves were having a hard time accepting me outside of the field of battle. I got outright challenged a time or two, which wasn’t out of the usual for my evening walks, but it’s not like I actually had to do anything.

After Ligre got done with his job a couple times over, we left a few crowds of citizens to pick up the dumb fucks that tried to steal the throne from the gal who wanted it least in the fucking country. Few people actually did any picking up since Ligre’s not that mean, and he never has been. Of course the guy can kill, but it’s just not something he can really put his heart behind, even with as young and vigorous as he and Midas are. I might keep a small Honor Guard, but the fuckers I keep are definitely quality bastards.

After our walk and that bullshit, I returned to the castle and finally got dinner with Twilight and Diane, but the mood was a little more somber than I would’ve liked. Hermione agreed to ‘sleep’ in her wing of the castle for the sake of keeping up appearances around Twilight, but I kinda hoped that my naive little lover would go ahead and guess that she was supposed to stick to my wing. It’s not like I was forbidding her from seeking Hermione out for further discourse, but I did warn her against it without having Diane or myself nearby. The idea was honestly just unwise, and that was considering that Hermione had no intentions of hurting Twilight in the slightest. I had no doubts that Purps was going to start a war if I let her, and it wasn’t going to be because she slipped up and said the wrong thing.

Nah, I figured she’d prolly try to banish Hermione back to Tartarus. It almost happened too, but luckily I just so happened to be on my way past my Co-Queen’s door when I heard her say, “Twilight Sparkle, cease your foolishness before I end you.”

I entered with a bored look on my face as Purps was waving her hands around in the air while Hermione stared her down, quite unimpressed. “No way, you Lich! The Undead belong in-” I smacked the back of Twilight’s head hard enough to make her lose focus, but soft enough to let her know I cared. “Ow!”

When she whirled around to glare at me, I stared her down. “Twi. The fuck are you doing?” She jammed a finger in my face that got slapped down before she could open her mouth. “No. I don’t disrespect you in your home. I expect you to remember that you are here as a guest. An Ambassador. Go to your Maxdamn room before I have you deported.”

Her face crumpled at tears filled her eyes as she slammed her hoof down. “No, you listen here! I’m a Princess, and I demand respect! I-”

“Have given none and will receive what you have sown.” Hermione snarled. “Until further notice, you are banished from Minosia.”

I gave Hermione a sharp look that she met with a steely one of her own, sparks flying in anticipation of a fucking wreck. “I think I’ll dictate which dignitaries are forbidden from entering the country I won, thank you.”

“And you would allow an openly hostile member of a rival nation do as they please in our home?”

Twilight started waving her hands like a loon again to get her spell going, so I hit her for it. “Knock it off!”

“Stop hitting me!” She yelped angrily.

“Stop trying to banish my help! Seriously, aren’t you supposed to be acting like royalty instead of a child?”

“I am not-” Twilight started shortly before Hermione lifted her hand up and cast it to the side quickly, flinging my girlfriend through a portal, most likely back to Equestria.

“And that ended about as well as I thought it would.” My Queen grunted irritably.

“You could’ve put her to sleep at any time.” I snapped.

She raised a brow. “Excuse you?”

“... Sorry, Mommy.”

☬ You’ve gotta flogging my cock! ☬

ΩKinky little slut, aintcha? Ω

Shut up. Hermione gave me a minute smile and nodded. “All is forgiven, though I wish you would pick your partners more wisely. There are few Yokai with your power, you know~”

I blushed and looked at the ground. “I don’t need dating advice, I need advice on how to stop this from blowing up in my face.”

“Celestia’s cooler head may prove fruitful in the coming tides, though what fruit her mind may bear is yet to be seen. I believe I should let you handle her alone, however.”

“Yeah, no, there’s nothing really stopping her from bowling me over unless I don’t feel like it. I might be pretty strong, but I’m still only an A-Rank magically, Mommy.”

“Hmm… Then-” A note flared into existence in front of me, so Hermione let me read it in peace before asking, “So? Does the Great White Headache send her regards?”

“She’ll be here by the end of the week to either level the castle or get to the bottom of why I put my hands on Twilight.” I grunted.

“So I will definitely be around.”

“Please?”

She came in for a hug that was extra nice because she was cold and it was oddly stuffy in her room. “It is no problem, my sweet Carnation. Anything for Mommy’s little girl~”

☬ Please stop. ☬

It’s what happened, but that was the end of the conversation for awhile. I kept clothes in Hermione’s room anyway, so I got changed for bed in there, but apparently she wasn’t feeling the pajama pants and T-shirt combo like I was. No, the old, dead-as-fuck bitch decided to have some glorified lingerie made for me and asked me to wear it as recompense for not outright mind-raping or killing Twilight for technically attacking her without any reason to do so. She warned me that Diane could be subject to another makeover if I said no, which was an empty threat because I knew that Diane actually let herself become a brunette so she could match Tea Leaf, an old friend who’s long gone by now.

Still, Hermione asked, and I do a lot of dumb shit for the people who show me the slightest bit of loyalty sometimes, so I wore the thing she wanted me to wear and climbed into bed with her, cuddling up close because she didn’t mind how close I let my face get to her chest. It was a lot like sticking your face into the cool sides of two pillows at once. She also didn’t get warm, no matter how long I spent as close to her as I felt like getting, so that was extra nice. Being a Yokai really had its downsides as far as the feeling of constantly being hot but never sweating goes, which is probably why a lot of them historically marry Revenants or similarly intelligent Undead. Anyway, after a nice night with Hermione, I found Diane in the morning before I could get started on my daily duties so I could explain what went on over the night to her. Since Diane wasn’t even technically a citizen of Equestria, she couldn’t take over Twilight’s spot and do anything other than observe Court or go back to Equestria. There was just one little thing about that, though.

My first order of the day was to make Diane a Minosian citizen and give her a place to stay in the castle. There was a little bit of irritation from my cabinet, though the only ones who even so much as gave a rat’s tail were Leonidas and Persephone, and the Cow’s only problem was that Diane was prettier than her. Of course Persephone didn’t actually say anything of the sort, but it was implied nonetheless. Outside of that, no one really gave a fuck since rumors had spread about Twilight going against Hermione, and the general consensus on that was something along the lines of ‘Stupid little whorse deserved what she got’, though most people didn’t know exactly what it was.

Did I mention that Equestrians still didn’t have many fans in Minosia? Of course I don’t need to, I just feel it necessary for the moment is all. That being said, Diane chose to fuck around in Court with me all day to see how I handled my business and she chided me with a smile on her face about making people do dumb shit for wasting my time. I could tell that my beautiful Baby Blue didn’t have too many problems with me getting weird for the sake of it, and it was often the cause of many jokes between us throughout the day, as well as the main influence behind a few particularly creative punishments. They were effectively harmless, of course, since my girlfriend preferred them to be, but I was tempted to give one fellow a tongue lashing like you wouldn’t believe. Not only did he keep talking after the fifteen minute mark, he was repeating himself. I’d already had a verdict ready before the second time, but by the fourth, I was ready to shut him up until Diane did it for me, cementing her status as a Minosian by taking the Bull by the horns and suplexing him.

Days passed without word from Celestia until she eventually showed up one day while Diane and Hermione were play-fighting over who would advise during the rest of Court for the day. Her herald (The normal kind of herald, not the Undead kind.) announced her presence and gave me time to summon Hermione to Court, though she wasn’t exactly far away. She took to her throne on the dais without passing me a second look until she sat down, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I’ve held my very presence as a secret to the Equestrians for a long time now. I’m interested in seeing what throwing my cards in with yours will do.”

“Hopefully it gives us a bridge or something and we whoop all the old people at the retirement home.” I gave her a grateful little smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Celestia may very well try to bully us into some manner of unfavourable negotiation, you do know that, no?”

“Of course I know that. I also know that I’m as prepared for this as I’m ever going to get, so hopefully she quits stalling and gets her ass in here sooner rather than later.”

It took a couple more minutes, but Celestia evidently deigned it worthy of her time to enter the Courtroom, so I rose from my seat. Before I could greet her, she turned to Hermione and asked, “Who are you?”

“So rude, you Equestrians,” Hermione tutted disapprovingly. “After all, there’s nothing I’ve done to spark any ill will between us.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at Hermione and nodded. “You know who I am, but I greet you as Princess Celestia of Equestria. Would you do me the favour of telling me your name?”

“Of course, young one.” Hermione said with a patronizing smile. “Why I am Hermione of Equinis, Queen of Cragspire.”

The Princess’ gaze hardened. “I see… So the rumors of your undeath?”

“Quite true, though I haven’t so much as felt the need to harm another being in quite a few months. I tend to be quite the pacifist when the option is available.”

“Which is why you banished Princess Twilight back to Equestria for no reason?” Celestia asked stonily.

Hermione and I both raised brows at that before turning to Celestia. “The fuck did Twilight tell you went down?” I asked.

The ancient Princess turned her flinty gaze to me and said, “Twilight says that she was trying to do her duties as a Princess of Equestria when you started abusing her for trying to negotiate.”

I gave Celestia the most fucked up look I could before I glanced at Hermione, my eyes settling on Celestia. “... Twilight… Lied?”

The look on the white Mare’s face was astonished as Hermione just scoffed. ”Of course she lied. She deliberately followed me to my quarters and waited until she thought I would be asleep to enter my wards. If I was actually capable of sleeping, she may have actually gotten herself hurt.”

Celestia passed her a flat look. “Then I suppose it’s all for the sake of both of our nations that nothing too vital happened. I assume Twilight gave me a certain version of the truth that-”

“Was a lie.” Queen Hermione said plainly.

“This is why I negotiate with our foreign dignitaries.” I groaned.

“I see no point in beating around the bush during political matters. It only serves to make the endeavor ever more tedious.”

The Princess shook her head as I sighed. “I’m assuming Twilight mistakenly tried to banish you back to Tartarus for being an Undead?”

“Essentially.” Hermione deadpanned. “It truly was tactless. I gave her ample opportunity to stop.”

Celestia glared at me instead. “So why did you hit her?”

“Because she was attacking a native member of royalty? It really was within our rights to banish her to Tartarus or arrest her for ourselves.” I said frankly. “Diplomatic immunity or not, a memory spell reveals the truth, and the truth is that Equestria stepped on our toes for no valid reason that would stand up in the World Court.”

Cornered and well aware of it, she drew a deep breath and leveled a harsh, dangerous look at me. “Your demands?”

“Open trade. Equal taxes both ways; no hiking up imports on either side. We let the market establish its own prices, for better or worse.” I started reasonably.

Apparently being old makes you unreasonable. “And you don’t think I know that you’ve opened trade with Tartarus itself? Woman, you’ve obviously lost your mind-” I stared her in the eye. “Shit.”

“Eeyup.”

Hermione glanced over at me. “Oh, stop. You’re quite lucid.”

I waved a hand at her, causing Celestia and Hermione to look at the wall in that direction. “Yo, it’s over here.” I pointed at the thirteen foot and one pussy-hair tall ice sculpture that was on the opposite end of the room.

They both gaped.

“... How…” My Queen murmured.

Celestia slowly turned to me, so I waved. “So I wear a thin veneer of sanity. It’s much thicker than my patience, but I can guarantee that your hubris is far more than enough to crack both. You no longer have any options, Celestia. You either agree to everything, or I bring Twilight back here and we find out if she can fit inside you.”

“... The bloody tartarus is wrong with you?” Hermione whispered.

The Princess that most people cared about almost had a chance to cast a spell before I whistled, the tone high and shrill. Of course my Furies came out to play, but a few others from the Nether Realm had decided to follow the call of madness for a taste of excitement outside of torturing the same guy with the same thing for the same period of time before going back to the same old cave with the same old Demon wife that made the same old eyeball fucking chowder. She was swarmed in seconds, her shields taking a brutal battering from a battalion of butt-ugly bitches as I cast Cantrip after Cantrip: the only ‘spells’ I could use that weren’t Arcana.

Ω ... What? Ω

☬ I’m with Max. ☬

Dude, Max, like, what do you even remember?

Ω Uh… I think this Shell has complete memories up to… Met God and died… Oh! The last thing that happened was that I watched Pulp Fiction with Noir and had to explain it like, nine times. Shortly after Cadance’s wedding, actually.I remember some of our conversations and stuff, but it’s like dreams, y’know Ω

I’d argue that your brother-in-law’s wedding oughta rank higher than Pulp Fiction, but fuck. Gotta love the classics.

Ω Wha- Oh yeah, you’re from the future. That’s weird as fuck. Ω

☬ Can the Ginger just explain the Magic now? ☬

… Do you actually care?

☬ Cantrips sound handy. ☬

That they are. Should I just go for it, or…? Okay, yeah. Whatever.

(CTRL+F Lecture is over to skip.)

So starting off with the basics as we fucking should, a Cantrip is essentially the most basic form of ‘spell’ that can be cast, and I use the term ‘spell’ loosely because it gets tossed around a lot outside of the Magic Community. A Cantrip is a spell that’s often innate or incredibly basic to learn, meaning that they can be cast non-verbally or in rapid succession with no problem. The problem with Cantrips is that their speed, versatility, and ease of use all come at the cost of potency. Whereas a Fireball Spell would be able to burn down a thirty foot tall tree in ten minutes, a Fireball Cantrip would probably just roast the bastard a bit. However, as I’ll mention when I get back to my part of this unnecessarily convoluted tale, my Cantrips were special.

Still, moving onto Spells with a capital ‘S’, these are what one normally thinks of when they see Magic or hear of it. People waving their hands, wands, or staffs and chanting some silly bullshit in whatever mystical language lets them tap into the Aether. The thing about Spells is while they’re basically just upgraded Cantrips, they’re considerably harder to cast, create, and use effectively as a result. The power of the Spell often gets determined solely by the user’s own Mana Residue Pools, which is how they differ from Cantrips and Arcana. In the vein of Cantrips, the power of the spell is directly influenced by your affinity with the School of Magic you’re trying to cast, and in the case of Arcana, those are open to pretty much anything.

Arcana… Now when you think of Archmages conjuring storms that lay waste to battlefields, that’s basically what you’re dealing with. Arcana can technically be used by anyone depending on who teaches the spell to you, but they’re often highly personalized pieces of Magic that serve a sole purpose. You could’ve called Max’s True Theft a Physical Arcana and Shade Rose’s Bloodrayne an Aetherial one, though there multiple different kinds that just can’t really be explained. The thing about Arcana is that they’re beyond fucking simple to cast since no one makes their strongest combat spell hard for themselves to remember (When taking immortality into account, in most cases), though Grand Arcana are a completely different level of fucking impossible.

Unless you make your own. Wink.

(CTRL+F Lecture is over to skip.)

Ω Huh. Ω

☬ Informational. So my Air Bow is a Cantrip? ☬

Eeyup. Y’all good?

☬ Carry on. ☬

Ω Waiting on you. Ω

Sweet, so I was flinging Blasphemous Hornets at Celestia like there was no tomorrow. The little bastards themselves just look like black hornets that are accented by the color of one’s Mana, so of course mine just so fucking happened to be the most florid, flaming orange I’d ever seen. The swarm that surrounded me as I cast the Cantrip dozens upon dozens of times by shattering a piece of my conscious mind and tasking the fragments to do the thing grew denser by the second, even with a steady stream pelting Celestia’s rapidly weakening shields and wards with casual Hexes and the occasional critical Curse. The Hexes weren’t much; just a couple of Irritant type deals. The Curses however, ranged from Wither to Weaken, wrapping around the alphabet to come and see the other ‘W’ Curses for tea.

When Celestia’s shield finally broke, I called off my attack and waited for her laser to scythe through a few Demons and impact my own defenses. Her laser fizzled out amongst my swarm, her Magic being consumed to fuel the production of more Blasphemous Hornets while I saved up the excess for an Arcana. If Celestia hadn’t underestimated me in the first place, she would have cast Sunfyre Blaze and tried to kill both me and Hermione before either of us could do anything. In essence, she’d waited too long to cast her spell, so her attempt and subsequent success didn’t do her any favors. When the Sunfyre Blaze, one of the most legendary Grand Arcana in modern history, went off in the middle of my Courtroom, it wasn’t quite as spectacular as it could have been. The Addle Curses had done their damage to Celestia and the Inhibitant Hexes had fucked up her thought process enough to make her kind of flub the spell.

If it hadn’t been so long since Celestia had cast her spell, I might not have been able to contain it with my bug buddies, but I still had Hermione backing me up anyway. One might ask how an A-Rank Medeis slash Class Five Yokai (Out of Seven. In ascending order: Sloth, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Pride, Greed, and Wrath) managed to subdue an Alicorn of Celestia’s standing. Anyone who knows jackshit about how insanity works on Equis might have expected me to have just killed her by then because I just didn’t want to deal with her bullshit, and for more than a couple minutes at that. I didn’t wipe the floor with her for the simple fact that while she may have been an S-Rank, I was currently a Triple-S if you just took combat ability into account. Through pretty much raw force, I beat Celestia down until I could cast my own Arcana: A special spell that I asked Mari to help with. She reluctantly agreed, so I gave her the option of copping out, no strings attached. My roomie neglected to take it, citing her lack of confidence in her magical aptitude as her reason for not wanting to do it in the first place.

For the first time since Mari and I joined bodies, I touched her of my own free will and showed her how to move her arms and make the hand gestures. She got it down pat in a few tries before we took to the real deal to cast Artificer’s Armory: Basically just a summons of every tool that’s ever passed through my hands. There were a lot, and ever since I took the time to lock the armory and engrave runes on the everything with some handy dandy help from Hermione, there were even more sharps added to the pile. Every inch of Celestia, save for a small portion of her face, was in contact with a blade or spike of some kind with hundreds of other blunt tools waiting for a whack at her.

I opened my mouth and stored my spare Hornets for later, all of them tasting a little like the orange-slice candies that you got from gas stations during road trips. They weren’t too bad, but Hermione was busy staring at me like I’d gone off the deep end, so I shot her a wink and asked, “What? Ain’t you never seen no sexy Yokai fuck bitches up?”

“Bed me,” Hermione whispered.

“Diane’s got first dibs,” I answered blithely.

I walked down the dais and stood in front of the part of Celestia that was actually visible. Kinda. “You cursed whorse,” She spat predictably. “You think you’ve won? Luna-”

“Luna will listen to reason since you apparently won’t. You’ll be given a room and,” I reached into my shoulder-length hair to pull out a familiar little ring, “something to keep me comfortable with you under my roof. Don’t think of this as an imprisonment; think of it as being taken hostage, but in the archaic sense.”

I levitated the ring onto Celestia’s horn and it started draining the rest of her Magic, which she’d been afraid to expend at the cost of getting stabbed a couple dozen times at once. With her well in check, I turned to Hermione, who’d followed me down from our thrones to see that she was giving me some serious ‘Fuck me’ looks whenever she happened to not be blinking. It was definitely nice to know that I was doing something right, but I’d rather wished that she’d give me a kiss for being awesome. Then she gave me a kiss on my temple for being crazy and I accepted what I got out of the deal.

“Good work, my sweet Carnation. It would seem that you can handle Minosia’s pride with your own two hands.” My Queen ‘complimented’.

“What, you thought I couldn’t do it before?” I scoffed.

“Yes.”

I gave her a look and smacked her ass. “Stop thinking. You’re my Trophy Queen.”

She slapped me harder, leaving an unpleasant stinging sensation on my tender booty. “You’re the cute one, so hush.”

“... You can’t be serious!” Celestia gasped, outraged. “You promised your heart to Twilight!”

“Didn’t like her that much in the first place. I was forced to accept her as a girlfriend, and even then she’s fucking weird.”

The Princess shut the fuck up after that and I escorted her to the room I wanted her to stay in, warding it heavily against just about anything, and using some of Celestia’s own magic to do it in the first place. I held onto a little bit of it just in case I needed to fake Celestia’s magical signature or something, though I somewhat doubted that it would last long when compared to my own Magic. My Mana happened to be a little on the hungry side, and Celestia’s Mana is sweet and succulent like you wouldn’t believe. Even with that being the case, I’d end up with more Mana out of it anyway, so that sounded perfectly fine to me.

With Celestia taken care of and Hermione having deported Celestia’s guards to tell the tale of what just went down, I went back to doing my thing in court until I got a very strongly worded letter from Luna that demanded the release of her sister. Me being me, I sent her back a rap about cheese and growing up in the hood before sending another missive, but this one had my terms of release on it, and the clear statement that I was making. Celestia was going to the World Court to be tried for her transgressions, and Twilight would soon follow. To put it frankly, I was giving Equestria an ultimatum that they’d never expected to have to deal with: Face up to their own bull-headed, maligned ways and accept my olive branch when it came, or face a war without two of their most powerful pieces on the board.

Damn, was I good at being Queen, or what?

☬ Fuckin’ quite, apparently. ☬

Ω Subdued Equestria by yourself. That’s pretty fucking interesting. Ω

Yeah, the next couple of weeks were crazy, my Dudes. How ‘bout we grab some refreshments and call it for now?

☬ I could use a pastry. ☬

Ω Mmm, muffins. Ω

Author's Note

With the advent of a sudden woman in my life, I no longer have time to write or really even edit. She's actually giving me a little bit of time to myself so I can not be smothered. I'm not whipped, I swear.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Thirty-Two: Snakes In The Grass

Chapter Thirty-Two: Snakes In The Grass

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Alright, alright, let’s get started up in this bitch, yeah? Hell yeah. So I’d just imprisoned Celestia for being a bitch and was filling out a formal complaint to the World Court when I got another note from Luna, but it was a limerick about beans and growing up noble, which was pretty fuckin’ dope, actually. She requested that we settle the matter of Celestia’s lack of tact and Twilight’s straight up muddlesome mistakes outside of court, so I invited her to the Minosian court for negotiations under the knowledge that the third try was going to be Equestria’s final attempt at making peace with Minosia. My people weren’t actually all too pleased with how I was handling the situation, but they were glad that we had Celestia in our custody; the world’s most recognizable threat safely contained within Minosian borders.

Luna appreciated the fact that I was willing to talk, even after the trespasses that I’d made her aware of and the truth she’d learned from Twilight after a handy-dandy little spell. I for one, was just glad that Luna had the mind to actually come and try to talk things out, and I didn’t doubt that she would be more receptive to making friends in low places than Celestia had proven to be. It didn’t matter much in the end since I was more than willing to kidnap Luna too, thus making Equestria a non-threat in and of itself since the Ponies are pussies without their impossibly powerful duo guarding them.

That being said, I was expecting Luna to come in with back up. What Garrison fucking neglected to tell you was that the second time he’d went to go see Luna in the month he took off like a lazy bastard was to come with her to come see me. He and Maud weren’t married at that point, so he didn’t tell me about that until sometime waaay after that little meeting. I can skip the whole week that passed before He and Luna arrived by saying that some of my wards continued trying to molest me, my Cabinet still occasionally poked fun at me, and I’d been spending my time between Diane and Hermione, sexing Diane up more often than Hermione because my Super Sanity didn’t think Death tasted all that nice. It was kind of an acquired taste, but it was one that I was becoming fond of the more I ate up Mommy’s pussy-

Ω☬ Shut the fuck up. ☬Ω

Lol. Anyway, Luna and Garrison showed up on Diane’s day to sit in court with me, so Hermione was in Cragspire taking care of her business since she couldn’t stay away from home forever. When I saw Luna, I slowly rose from my seat on the dais and started down the steps along with Diane. “Yo! Do you come in peace, or are you finna try me?”

“... What?” Luna called back.

Garrison nudged her. “I think she was asking if you were here for negotiations as you say or if we’re here to fight.”

“Oh,” She shrugged. “We are here for peace. Release our sister and negotiations-”

“Will be complete by that time, right?” I said.

She gave me a flat look. “You expect something without giving anything in turn?”

I raised a brow and folded my arms, warping through reality to stand talking distance away from her. I broke the rules to do so, but I only had to sneeze because of it. “Bless you,” Garrison said politely.

“Thanks. Yah, no, Luna? You’re forgetting that two Princesses of Equestria have attacked both members of the Minosian Royal Family at this point, so you owe me. You’re starting from a deficit and I have all the leverage here.”

She smiled. “Except for Fluttershy.”

I returned her smile with a grin of my own. “Do you really want to go there while I have your sister?”

“Celestia is far tougher than your sweet little Flower~” Luna sighed. “It would be a shame if we were to torture our prisoners to the point of breaking. Why, I don’t think Fluttershy could take it~!”

I giggled at her. “Just for saying that, I’m ripping off one of your sister’s fingers! If I find out you actually are going to touch Fluttershy, then I’ll kill ya!” I clasped my hands together in front of me and showed her my pearly whites.

Luna stopped smiling. “... By the Heavens, it’s not an act.”

“I told you not to bluff.” Garrison said drily. “Jayne-”

“You’re not my Spymaster right now, Shitbutt. It’s Your Majesty.” I grinned at him evilly.

“Shut up, Jayne.” He grunted.

“Damn, Bruh. Let a sista feel important.”

“You literally have Celestia under lock and key. And other people call you that shit.”

“But you don’t.”

“So you want my cock.” He said stupidly.

I almost managed to kick it before he closed his legs and guarded his pole. “Dammit!”

“Maybe next time. So what do you want for this whole matter to be solved?”

“Sixty-five/thirty-five Minosian Equestrian split for initial trade to be locked in for a decade and a half before negotiations reopen.”

“And if we decide to negotiate further?” Luna asked.

“Push me and I’ll drive a harder bargain. Celestia’s life means nothing to me, killing her cripples your nation, and toppling Equestria from there would just take a few allies. The Dogs, Naga, and Griffins are all races that are friendly with Minosia in the first place. Offering them chunks of conquered Equestrian land would go far in gaining the whole of Equestria and her territories as my own. I’m offering you economic boosts since it benefits both of us, but I can, and will, take Equestria over.” I blinked lazily and looked at Luna for an answer.

“... Did you just threaten me with war?”

“No, I foretold the destruction of Equestria as we know it if you don’t hurry up and sign these papers.” I picked my handbag up off of the ground, making Luna and Garrison both stare at me as I fished out a dossier with my signature already on it and a big blue ‘X’ next to where Luna was supposed to sign. “You should know what to do. Need a pen?”

Lulu had a hard time processing that. “... You teleported to get over here. You never set that down…”

“Don’t ask. It’s less scary this way.” Garrison rubbed his forehead, already accepting the headache.

“... Is this how you subdued Celestia?” Luna asked softly.

I looked her in the eye and made a face. “I overpowered her. Tacky, but it sends a message.”

The Princess of the Night; the so-called Raiser of the Moon, took the papers from me, magicked up a pen, and signed the paper. “Please don’t rip Celestia’s finger off.”

“It’s happening, Sweets.” I gave her a small apologetic smile. “It’s actually just been happening since I said it would happen. Let me go stop that.” After a quick blink to collect myself, I gave Luna a smile.

“... Where did you just go and why did you not bring Celestia?” Luna asked slowly.

“She’s having her finger sewn back on at the moment. Free of charge.”

Her fists balled up, but Garrison jabbed at me first by cheating with Wing Magic and blowing me straight onto his fist-

ΩPfff-c-c-c-cocaaaine! Ω

That’s-

☬ I swear I could feel her guts. ☬

Nigga-

☬ I didn’t get very deep, but she took it like a proper ol’ gal- YEEEOW!. ☬

Ω This is why you shut up at a certain point. You were saying, Jayne? Ω

☬ You stabbed me with a- ☬

So Garrison cheated like a lil’ bitch and I ate his punch because I eat punch muffins for breakfast. Literally, somedays. To practice telekinesis, I’ll punch a muffin apart in mid-air and eat it as I break it apart. Like a badass. Anyway, Garrison’s punch actually kinda sucked since I was still smaller than him and Demon claws, but I had Yokai claws to back me up. I sank my fingers into his arm only to find out that his Demonflesh wasn’t Necrotic or even Humanoid. No, my claws pierced the thick outer layer of Garrison’s arm and continued into what felt like a raging hurricane, slowly getting sucked deeper into him-

☬ So it’s okay when you do it? ☬

Ω Don’t bitch. Ω

Listen to the youngest guy here. Anyway, Garrison, my dear ol’ friend, decked me in the jaw with his carapace-like fist and thankfully freed me from his freezing cold insides. I put some distance between us to look at my fingers and saw that they were severely wind-burned and had welts on them from what appeared to be pieces of awfully hard hail. Shaking my hands to get feeling other than pain back into them wasn’t really working out for me, so I shot Garrison a shitty look to get my point across and nearly started blasting him with Hornets before he shot me a flat look and extended a wing to stop Luna from coming after me herself.

“Way to be a proper cunt, Jayne.”

“You kill people for less.” I scoffed.

He shot me a darker look. “For transparent bluffs?”

I shrugged. “What can I say? I don’t like bullshit. Or Celestia. You shouldn’t like her either.”

He winked at me. “Oh, I wish I could do things to that Mare that these claws would be well suited for, but she matters to my sister, so she matters to me. Don’t fuck with what matters to me, Jayne.”

“You? You’re giving me an ultimatum?” I scoffed.

“I have gods on my side.”

“So where’d ya get them there claws from, sexigrill?” I asked huskily.

“Point Jayne, counterpoint ensuing: The wings are Mare-Magnets.”

“You look like an edgy little bitch.”

“I don’t know why looking sharp has any negative connotation to it, but thank you. I’ll continue looking sharp for as long as I please.”

I looked at his lack of armor and generally decent casual apparel. “Yeah, no, if we fight you die. Do you even know how to use Arcana?” I asked, drawing my right thumb up from my navel to my solar plexus, then curling my hand around as if pretending to grasp a stress ball. Then I grasped an invisible soddering iron.

“I can fight without the fancy Magicks, but I’m sure you’d rather end this peacefully as I do.”

I popped my neck and held up my purpling fingers. “These are going across dat face, bitch ny-uga.”

He gave me an odd look. “But why?”

“Because you low-key happen to be a piece of shit. And you threw the first,” I inhaled and breathed out my little friends as I shouted, “Punch!”

Sadly, bugs burn good and proper when you set them on fire with plenty of air to keep that fire hot as fuck, but at least Garrison went on the defensive. I called off my attack when I knew he wasn’t going to try anything and he dropped his Flame Shield with a droll look. “Really now?”

“Had to check and see if you were really just being protective of your little sister’s Mom or whatever. We cool?”

He shrugged. “I’ll let it go if you let Luna go heal her sister properly.”

“I could only lend her Magic, but I can numb the pain. Drop your wards, Jayne. It would be quite the measure of good faith after torturing a prisoner.” Luna reasoned.

I waved my hand in a fun, creative manner and sent her there myself, the Aether splitting the Ether for me easily. “You know I’m low-key pissed about that, right? That kidney shot?”

“If I didn’t do something, Celestia would tell Aria that I don’t care about her,” He answered with an apologetic smile. “If it makes you feel any better, your claws fucking hurt.”

“So do yours, prick.”

“Eat my sausage and tell me what’s going on around the Guild.”

“Right after you give me the deets on Equestria’s down-lows.”

Garrison nodded. “The Circuit and the Manehattan Markdown Mafia are coming around to the Guild, but we don’t have a steady stream of jobs from either yet. I’ve been getting in, schmoozing a little with the delegates they send to me, and the gifts I send aren’t too important. It’s enough to establish connections, but trust is hard to gain in Equestrian deep circles. More so than anywhere else, I’m told.”

“S’probably why things have been coasting and roasting over here, by which I mean shit’s mad hot. The Guild is already seventy five strong in Minosia alone, and everyone’s sworn the oaths. Nobody seems to be trying to short the Guild as far as Frieda and Dotty Inkblot are concerned. Nobody likes the fees, but a few people have already paid up enough to get out of jail if they already get caught, so it doesn’t seem like that bad of a deal anymore. What about how The Circuit’s moving?”

“My inside man is still trying to get deeper in the ranks to see what’s really going on, but from the looks of things, it looks like they’re neutral with most of our possible allies and hostile to the friends we don’t want associated with the Guild. I’m still recruiting for that position we need, but I doubt I’m going to find it in Equestrian organized crime. No one thinks big enough.”

“Damn. I mean, that’s good news since we can start changing the tides as we please, but it’s going to be a shit-brick through your window if they burn you. What about the Fruit Family Mafia?”

“Ladesa was Applejack’s lover.”

“Brick.” I droned.

“Yeah, that’s not happening. The Veggie Vindicators are a joke and the Buffalo Braves are too far from the mainland to be useful. They’d be trainers or something of the sort at best.”

“Nah, let’s not get involved with them. On the flip side, what’s the Manehattan group doing?”

“Ah, they’re making a move into the Cursed Item Dispellation business. Fake-dispel a curse and reclaim it when the curse eats whoever bought the item. Tricky business, but effective and lucrative if you know your stuff. Before you ask, we’ve already gotten a higher level of job from them, but the set was rigged. It might not be in our best interest for us to work with them after all.”

“What do you mean by ‘the set was rigged’?”

“I mean that they either would have stiffed us cold with a cursed item and nowhere to sell it or gotten one of our own laid down with it after dropping the item off. It wasn’t worth the risk of them taking us for granted and potentially killing one of our own.”

“Fair enough. Any news on the Canterlot Casing Crew?”

“They’re still elusive, but I’m sure I’ll find them eventually. Now, about Bite-Back Minosia and the Guild?”

I shrugged. “There isn’t much to say. Bite-Back loves me and the Guild’s doing great so far. They’re keeping the nobility in check and the money flowing back into the community, so it’s pretty much just been kosher, my guy.”

“Good to hear. I trust your Cabinet’s been treating you well?”

“The jokes are good, but I’m still getting tail puns.”

Garrison chuckled at that. “Yank the tail of the next fool to say something about it.”

“Does that mean you too?”

“No tail, sadly. My arse is bereft of that particular decoration.”

I snorted and Mari asked for the the controller, so I let her have it since she asked. “... Hi, Garrison.”

He gave her a gentle, pleasant smile. “Mari, I presume?”

“Eeyup… Heh-heh…” She gave him a shy smile and brush a lock of hair behind her ear.

“How are you?”

“... I’m okay. How are you?”

“I’d feel better if you hit Jayne for me, but I’m still doing well, though I’ve yet to draw water.”

She giggled at that, her smile widening. “... You’re pretty funny.”

“Funny? I never thought of myself as anything other than snarky.” He smirked at her.

She pursed our lips, giving Garrison a look. “You’re funny and pleasant most of the time…”

“I try. Whenever you decide to talk to me, I’ll be sure to put forth a little extra effort.”

She smiled at that, but the rueing was strong. “... I wish Gods weren’t so nosy…” She said softly.

“So do I, but that’s what they get for living forever. Old people are nosy.”

Mari giggled a little. “... It was nice talking to you… Kaid Cosantoir.”

I blinked from inside the Shell and Garrison blinked in a different body entirely. “... My real name…”

“I remember hearing it when Twilight killed Max… It’s a nice name.”

“Thank you. I’m rather fond of Mariana myself.”

“Thank you… It… I- Goodbye for now, Kaid,” Mari said softly.

“Anytime, Mari.” He waited for me to take control to slip his usual mask back on, which I thought was polite at least. He could have always told me to go fuck myself or something, I took the sentiment for what it was worth.

We idly chatted back and forth until Luna came back with Celestia, both sisters looking rather upset about Celestia’s bandaged hand. I waved, Garrison waved, but they didn’t wave. That was rude, so I sent all three of their asses back to Equestria because I was more pissed about that than I had any right to be. Still, it was brutal to know that the punkass-bitchass Celestia was going to walk of out of my castle without having eaten a bullet. Kinda. Depends on how you look at it, honestly. I remember multiple movies where fingers get shot off at some point in the action. And I’ve seen the Grotesque series, so a little finger-ripping didn’t strike me as too bad. I didn’t need the whole, ‘We won’t forget this offense blah blah suck our huge clits blah blah we’re strong too.’ bullshit, so I didn’t put up with it.

With my mood thoroughly soured, Diane orbited me, throwing things at me until she got my attention. She’d been quiet and pleasant throughout my entire affair with the royalty and Garrison, but now she was pelting me with fruit that grew increasingly seedy until she hit me with a pomegranate. It was tasty, but I was mostly mad that she threw a pomegranate at me. She got my attention and gave me a lecture over being hardcore about not giving a fuck, but then I proved that I gave a fuck about her by Frenching her and making the most out of the break in the ‘action’. Other than that, half of the next week passed in relative calm as compared to my first month of ruling. Things seemed to be gaining steam in a good way that I didn’t doubt would benefit the overall cause, but there were some stirrings in Serpest that had me worried.

Garrison hadn’t told me about his quest, but I’d already dispatched a few spies to go and check out what was going on in the turbulent tribal lands of the Naga. Things were heating up for apparently no real reason, and Ynuntu wasn’t addressing the infighting that was breaking out between clans at all. Smaller tribes were trying to set up territory outside of Serpestian lands and no one was trying to have that, so cries for Ynuntu to get ahold of her people came fast and frequently. Sadly, she answered them with silence, so I sent a delegate for myself to ask her to keep her prideful, scaly fucks off of my land before I chased them away with big blocks of ice. It was bullshit, but those were the exact words that I wanted to send to Ynuntu, so my lucky Ambassador got to bear the brunt of her irritation when she got the joke. I heard that the guy got quite the earful to return to me, but I’m his sovereign Queen, so he couldn’t exactly tell me off on someone else’s orders. I arranged for a meeting with Queen Bast of the Great Sands since she was having the same problem I was, but sandier.

I’ll go ahead and get to that meeting since it was actually pretty fucking cool. It happened around the same time Garrison left for Serpest, so I’ll start off by saying that Hermione was taking over for me at the Ironclad Castle and was managing business for our small empire while I fucked off to the Great Sands to meet up with Bast and a few Heads from the Grand Council of Pawsine. I took the Teleportation Station there, but the actual Palace of the capital city was a couple hours away. I’d brought Ligre, Midas, and Jorr along with me as my Honor Guard and had a normal contingent following as we traveled through the Grand city of Niple.

I shit you not.

If you don’t believe me, just look at that shit on an atlas. Anyway, Niple was supposed to have been cooler than like, most of the towns around the Great Nip River, but the sandy ass, drab ass town was as fucking baking as anywhere else. Unfortunately my body decided that then and there was a good time to tell me that I don’t sweat, so I just got to be hot as fuck without any of the adverse effects. It was nice that I was a Fire Yokai at the moment since I didn’t have to worry about dehydrating like, ever, but it did mean that I would have to start dressing for cooler weather. As it was, Ligre and Jorr shut the fuck up and kept to themselves after I damn near ripped their heads off ten minutes into the walk, loudly bitching about diving into the first spot of shade I found. Lo’ and behold, while all eyes were turned, I ditched my guards and Teleblorped to the palace to bitch at the guards until they let me past the gates.

I did an awful lot of irritable grumbling on my way to Bast’s Court only to be told to go wait in a sitting room before I got to see her, which wasn’t technically a snub. She could have been accounting for teleport lag, which I was definitely experiencing, or she might not have wanted to deal with me while I felt like bitching. Either way, the Molly I ended up following had a Calico Coat and was rather stoic in her demeanor while I grumbled about sand and heat and heat and sand. I asked her how she put up with the bullshit and she responded that everywhere was a litterbox and cacti make great scratching posts, which made me quit bitching and start giggling. Shit was so retarded that I couldn’t help but laugh, surprising the servant and making her crack more cat-related jokes, like finding Catnip in the Great Nip River and Niple being the suckiest city on the planet.

We eventually got to the sitting room while I was giggling like a madwoman, almost laughing too hard to notice that the room was significantly cooler than the rest of the everywhere I’d gone. I took a deep breath and sighed hard when the cool air coated my hot, dry skin. “Does that feel better, Your Majesty?” Krissa, the aforementioned calico, asked.

“Much~ Max Almighty, it feels great in here!” I chuckled gratefully.

“Then perhaps you wouldn’t mind revealing why you came here alone?” She inquired suspiciously.

I shrugged. “Midas smells bad and Ligre is like a fucking radiator anyway. My Honor Guard is too hot to be around, they take forever, and I really don’t need ‘em.”

“Yet you walked into a trap.” Krissa leapt at me.

Sista ducked, walked out of the room, and sealed the door with a couple quick engravings. I could hear the Cat Scratch Fever going on behind the door, so I strolled on along until I met another servant, which sounded like, “Yo! You with the fiery coat!”

The Tom stopped what he was doing and looked at me, his ears flicking. “... Yes?”

“That’s yes ‘Your Majesty’, and can you tell me why I almost got killed like, five minutes ago?”

His jaw dropped before he bowed. “I-I apologize for not recognizing you, Queen Jayne. I thought you would have been traveling with guards…”

“I was, now I’m not. Mind taking me to Bast so I can file a complaint and make her rub my back?”

“... What?”

“I’ve heard Cats are excellent massueses,” I answered loftily.

Bruhman’s brow twitched. “Oh… That makes... Sense. Yes, Your Majesty, allow me to lead you to my Queen.”

And so he lead me down some halls I’d already been down and back to the Court, where Bast was delighted to invite me and close Court for the rest of the day, oddly enough. When I got into the room itself, I learned that it was because my Honor Guard had showed up and Midas was getting ready to raise a little more than a fuss. I assumed that he had some kind of Locator Spell attuned to me that would help him find me since I could be slippery during things like dress fittings and Royal Hair Appointments.... Fuck. Those. Things. In this case it actually turned out to be useful, but never let me actually say ‘Thanks’ to that double-dickhead for it. As it was, Bast sighted me while our guards were getting ready to start a small riot and I waved to her. She waved back politely for someone who’d just tried to have me killed. Or something. I didn’t know whether or not it was her or someone who was trying to get her killed, but I was pretty sure that it was that last one.

“Yo! All Y’all just fuckin’ chill out, okay? Mommy’s here to hold your hands~” I said loudly enough to be heard, unlike Bast.

Midas turned to me with a look promising words later in the night, so I sighed on the inside and tried to look regal on the outside. Bast steered clear of my peeps and gave me a nod. “Queen Jayne, I’d been told that you were sighted in the palace-”

“Yeah, on your orders.” I said flatly.

She blinked. “... Beg pardon?”

I picked my purse up off the floor, shook it reeeaaal good, and then dumped out a dizzy, vomit covered Molly named Krissa. It made sense to my people because they’d seen me do the same thing to a couple of assassins, but no one in the Grand Litterbox knew of my Mad Trix yet. “Anyone recognize her? Or that smell?”

“It’s vomit, M’lady.” Jorr snarked.

“That’s a paddlin’, smartass.”

“Yes M’lady.”

I counted back from ten because Jorr knew what the fuck he was doing and I hated his kinky ass for abusing my own convoluted rules. “Keep calling me that and I’ll make you a eunuch this time.”

Bast’s jaw dropped but Jorr squeed. I didn’t even have time to turn around and even get ready to slap his ass before Midas clapped a hand over his mouth, Ligre hit him in the solar plexus, and he got shut down by getting shoved near the opposite end of my squad. “... I see you have some issues with… Discipline?”

I gave her a dead look. “It sucks when they start liking it. Especially if they’re halfway crazy already.”

“Your Majesty,” Midas said softly.

“You bovine bitch,” I hissed.

“I wasn’t implying anything.”

“Traitor. That’s a paddlin’.”

He let out his most weary sigh. “Yes, Your Radicoolness.”

“Thank you.” I reached over and patted his arm. “Would you like an apple?”

The pain in his eyes tickled. “Yes, Your Awesome-Sauceumness.”

I reached into the folds of my robes and produced a chilled Minosian Gold. “It’s fresh~”

“Damn.” I heard from one of my other guards.

I turned back to Krissa and punted her skull before she could get her wits about her, knocking her out cold before I turned to Bast with a smile. “I didn’t want her sprinting off or anything. Now, is this little kitty one of yours?”

Bast stared at me. “... No.”

“Ah, then let me just handle this real quick.” I whistled for the Furies to come pick up the trash and they dragged her off into the Nether. “God, I love watching them do that.”

Bast was quickly surrounded by her guards, so I folded my arms and stared them down until the other Queen in the room gave the order for her men to part. “Queen Jayne, could you tell me why you would stoop so low as to employ Demons?”

I met her judgemental look with a nonchalant one of my own. “Demons get it done, and they get it done right the first time. I don’t have to worry about anyone getting mad if I take punishment too far with a Demon, so they stay on their P’s and Q’s, y’know?”

The sandy-coated Queen’s face grew hard and flinty. Metaphorically speaking, of course. “So you use torture to see your mission through.”

“With Demons. It’s never more than something stupid or unusual with the people who actually possess souls.”

“Did you not threaten to make one of your own guards a eunuch?”

“Did you hear how happy he was?”

“Be that as it may-”

“And he was purposefully trying to get punished. I was shutting him up with a show of force, but then the kinky little fucker got waaay too into it.”

“And the citizen of my country?”

“... You know she tried to kill me, right?” I asked flatly.

Bast shut up.

“Look, my way of doing things might be rough around the edges, but you gotta realize that I’ve been royalty for maybe two months? If that. Before I was Queen, I was just some small town Artificer with a male body, a fantastic dick that I miss a lot, and a couple sweet little Mares that kept me as happy as I could get most days. I mean, life was all sorts of fucked, but it was nice, right?” I shrugged. “Shit happened, I killed Herodotus, and know I’m a shit-dickin’ dick-shittin’ Queen. You tell me how that’s fair.”

“... It would seem that I’ve cast judgement a touch too soon.” Bast admitted tenderly.

“Leave it to the Cats to actually have tact. Thank you.” I shot her a wink.

“You’re Drop-Dead Gorgeousness-” Ligre started.

“Do you want to get punched in the kidney?” I asked testily.

“That was a compliment.” Bast seemed to think I cared.

“I’m a man on the inside. Literally. I was born a man.”

“... Oh.”

“Your Prettiness-”

“You jet, ace a’ spades, pitch as the fuckin’ night sky black-ass nyugga: If you don’t shut the fuck up-”

“Perhaps I could be of assistance?” Bast offered.

“Sure, I’m game. What’s on your mind, Mrs. Magnificent?”

Bast cracked a smile and came closer, getting rid of some of the distance between us. “Well, for one, and I only say this because of the company we currently find ourselves in, I believe it would behoove you to at least attempt to act more like royalty. Your regal aura is nonexistent.”

I gave her a blank look. “... I literally killed Herodotus and stole his country.”

“And you rather act like it. It’s not a good image, my fellow Queen.”

I folded my arms and gave her a pouty look because I had a vagina and I was allowed to pout. “Well, the fuck else am I supposed to do? I’m quite literally too insane to hold up any manner of facade for more than a couple hours at a time without making something explode.”

Bast stopped nearby, our guards giving us room to talk. “Are you being honest?”

“Eeyup.”

“Well… Perhaps we could cover some-”

“Already been over it, I’m just brutally honest. I like your sarah.” I nodded at her.

“... Thank you?”

“It’s got a niche audience, but I happen to be in it. Niche. Niche. Nee-shay.”

Bast stared at me.

I smiled at her. “So who are the delegates from Pawsine?”

“... Rover and Dottie,” She sighed, “High Council Member Rover and Elder Dottie have decided to meet with the new Queen of Minosia on behalf of Pawsine. This is going to end in a war.” She sighed again, but this time with a vengeance.

“Which is exactly what Celestia wants.” I responded like it was obvious. Mostly because it was, but still. “Queen Jayne doesn’t exactly like to play proper, but she do do smart. Yeah, I said doo-doo. I probably shouldn’t in the future.”

Bast, in all her unimpressive glory, rubbed her face. “No, you shouldn’t. If you manage to not infuriate one of the two most irritable Council Members of the Grand Council, then I’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

“I’m not infuriating. I’m loveable.” I gave her a wink.

“... Sands protect us all,” Bast sighed.

“Your sands aren’t as cool as my apple trees!” I stuck my tongue out at her.

Bast gave me a look. “Please stop.”

“Right. My bad.”

“Your Majesty, Queen Bast,” Midas started, “if I may apologize on Queen Jayne’s behalf-”

“Don’t apologize yet! I haven’t even started making cat jokes!” I gave him a little whack and he bore it with patience.

The Cat Queen gave me a dull look before shaking her head and looking at Midas. “Your country is in grave danger, Minotaur.”

Midas shook his head. “Queen Jayne is a competent woman. It is simply beyond her patience to act like a normal leader anymore. If you knew of the amount of assassination attempts that we’ve yet to make public, you would find little reason to put up any kind of front.”

“I’ve seen my fair share.” Bast said flatly.

“More than fifty.” I said flatly.

She raised a brow. “That sounds about-” The thought of my reign crossed her mind. “... You’ve only lead your country for two months. Right.”

I gave her a little nod and my guards sighed for the most part. “I keep my people busy by working for the common man. Nobles don’t like me.”

“A Queen of the people.”

“A Queen with sense.” I thumbed my nose and sniffed. “If you don’t take care of your kids, they grow up to be assholes.”

She cracked a small smile. “Perhaps this is the side you should show more often?”

“Perhaps you should stop licking yourself.”

“Cats do that.”

“Everyone else doesn’t. What makes you too good for a normal bath?” I teased.

“We take normal baths as well.” Queen Bast drawled humorlessly.

“Wanna take a bath with me? We can talk more.”

“That does sound nice, but I would still like for our handmaids to be-”

“Shit! I forgot to invite Bellony!” I facepalmed.

“And you forgot to include any females in your Honor Guard, Your Capriciousness.”

I gave him a look. “The only reason you’re getting away with that is because I don’t want to have to go surf the information stream to find out what it means.”

‘It basically means shifty or given to sudden change.’ Mari informed.

“Nevermind. I just remembered what it meant and that’s a paddlin’ you cheeky bastard.”

Ligre couldn’t say shit other than, “Yes, Your Stalwartness.”

“Damn straight.” I huffed. Turning back to Bast, I asked, “Are your people ever this lippy?”

“Only the ones that know they can get away with it.” Bast admitted with a mild grin. “You may want to choose more wisely in the future.”

I shrugged. “Whether my people give me shit or not, everyone still knows who’s boss. At the end of the day, my word is law and I have the strength to make sure that law stays in order, y’know?”

“And you would think that I don’t?”

I gave Bast a little grin. “Now, when did I say that?”

“You didn’t, but you implied it.”

“Let’s just get our bath and forget about the heat of this unnecessarily sandy bastard of a country. At least, I’d like to get non-dry.”

“You mean- Oh. Yes, let us get non-dry in the bath,” Queen Bast said.

I cracked another smile and chuckled a bit. “You’re a little new to this Queen stuff
too, right?”

“Just a little. If you’d like to have one of your guards accompany you-”

“The only one I’d let go is Midas and he wouldn’t want to intrude. I can handle myself well enough for my guards to all be comfortable outside of wherever we go.”

Bast nodded and started giving orders, so I called a huddle, seperated my boys into two teams, and had the other Queen give us some rooms to rest in so that my crew could catch a break after all the commotion. She commended me for looking after my team and did the thing, so shortly after that, Midas and Ligre discussed who would attend me and Ligre won the battle, but I paddled him in front of everyone before we did anything to make sure I followed through on my promise. I just hit Jorr in the head with the wooden weapon of whoopin’s because he didn’t find that kinky, which was good.

After our bath, which included a talk about me being a man on the inside and not finding any of the races outside of the Ponies truly attractive, we dried off and went our separate ways for the night, still sending each other notes and jokes from our countries as we could think of them. It was a pleasant night, in all honesty, since I only had to deal with one half assed assassination attempt and that was thwarted easily enough. Well, it wasn’t that wasn’t exactly the most complicated plan I’d seen. That was obvious.

When I got to my room and got scolded by Midas, I had Hermione come in for a quick talk and a kiss goodnight, but the Pawsine Council Members arrived just before I could fall asleep, so I had to go greet them with Bast or appear rude as fuck for choosing to sleep instead of saying hi. When I got to the Conference Room that we were holding the meeting in, Bast was wide awake and I was nursing a cup of coffee while the Pawsine Advisors seemed to be looking at both of us in utter disdain for no apparent reason. Well, Dottie was actually looking at us with mild interest, but she seemed to be copying Rover at the moment.

When I met Dog One and Dog Two, I was courteous, but I made it clear that I’d had a full day and wanted a nap as soon as possible as politely as I could, surprising Bast by a fair bit. Dottie understood, but Rover bitched about not receiving the proper respect that a delegate should and I shut him up by saying that I was a Queen and the sole Queen of my country, most of the time. He had a lot of luxuries that I didn’t, and as such, he should have shut the fuck up, but I laid into him about just how privileged and special his job was before he shut up like the bitch he was. After that, I went to sleep and that should be about where Gauche left off.

☬ Sounds about right. ☬

Ω Cool, so we pick up with Oldboy and his misadventures? Ω

Eeyup.

✧❖☬❖✧

“You’re going to get us killed,” Amaretta whispered furiously.

“We’ll be fine.” I answered, looking around the capital of Serpest with mild interest.

For one, the buildings of Serpest were all made of mudbrick and precious little else, though I imagine that wood supports had been built in to help the country not fall the fuck apart. For two, the whole place reeked of reptiles to the point where Amaretta was donning a mask and I was tempted to do the same myself. At least the scent of cooking meat was on the air, though that may have played into why Amaretta was so quick to put on her smell-blocker. I was fine since the smell of animals rarely bothered me, but I was aware of the odd looks we kept getting as we walked down the main road to the First Longhouse. We were obviously outsiders, and no one was fond of making friends with outsiders in Serpest, apparently.

“Gauche! I don’t wanna die! Snake-Ponies don’t like fliers or Ponies in general! This is suicide!” She hissed in low tones, pulling on my arm as I dragged her along.

“Well then, you’d better stop attracting attention.”

“We do that anyway!”

“Oh, do we? I hadn’t noticed.” I answered aloofly.

She hit me. “Gauche!”

“Female! You dare strike your male!?” Some fuck called out, garnering more attention than we’d already been gathering.

I hit Amaretta back and made her stumble. “There, we’re even.”

There were a few grumbles in the crowd as Amaretta rubbed her arm and mumbled curses about sexism, which was rich coming from an Equestrian.

As we continued along, I was asked if I really could fly and I often told people that the wings were a new addition, earning myself many offers to have them cut off. I denied all offers and had to beat one particularly shiny Snakeman up to make him stop trying to clip my flappy fwappies. It was a widely well received public event that I was complimented on by the crowd, though that’s because I beat a guy with a greatsword while using a quarterstaff, and he was easily twice my size. Other than getting a share of the bets that had been levied against me, nothing happened and I even got to have a symbol painted on my forehead to show that I was apparently cool by Naga standards. More people came up to talk to me before Amaretta and I made it to the First Longhouse with most of them asking how I managed to get the Mark of the Blooded.

I fought. It was that simple.

After a nice, warm walk that wasn’t all too bad, all things considered, Amaretta and I came to the palisade of the First Longhouse and stated our business so that we could be let in. Sadly, the moat that surrounded the place was also the way in, so we either had to fly or swim across the cold, tepid water. I looked around at the shrubbery and generally flat grounds of Corule and decided that Amaretta and I weren’t going to go swimming, which got spears thrown at us until we landed. Apparently it was a Naga custom to chuck things at fliers until they didn’t fly anymore, which I found racist and very unnecessary for the sake of our relationship as a whole. Once I got into the Naga longhouse, I didn’t have to wait long to hear from Ynuntu. In fact, the three hundred year-old serpent lady was rather spry and sprightly when she heard that she had a new guest, especially one she could make do something. She had Amaretta and I sit in front of some weapons and hear some tales from a Storyweaver to keep us entertained before she herself actually showed up, but when she did, I can’t say I was terribly surprised.

When I saw that she was a python of some kind, or rather, she had the colouration of one, I assumed that she was one of the longest lived members of her species. She definitely seemed a little on the old side, but she had a youthful energy about her that made her seem younger than I’d heard. When the Storyweaver saw that his interesting liege had come to call, he bowed low on his coiled tail and slithered away, promising to tell us the rest of the terribly lovely tale another time. I rose from the floor, Amaretta having fallen asleep to the sound of the fellow’s voice and the incense hanging in the air. I’d been lulled to a decent state of calm, but nothing too inebriating as to make worry about not being at the top of my game.

“Welcome to Serpest, Garrison Varas. Are you comfortable yet?” Ynuntu asked softly, her voice sounding like a woman around my age.

“Quite, actually. It’s quite the pleasure to meet you, Your Grace.” I said pleasantly.

She giggled. “Oh, it’s far nicer to meet a dry flier for once. I don’t really get out of the longhouse much these days, so it’s always novel to see one of your kind.”

“I have to admit that it’s nicer to meet Naga who doesn’t hate me for having wings.” I gave her a smile.

“Oh, it’s just some left over racism from the Dragon wars. It’s truly nothing against you fine feathered folk.” She gave me an easy smile, her forked tongue flicking casually. “In any case, is there anything I can offer you to make you more comfortable in my home?”

I whipped out a sheathed blade from my bag and presented it to her. “If you wouldn’t mind looking this over for me, I’d appreciate it.”

She raised a scaled brow and gave me an odd look as she took the knife from me. “Is there anything you want me to do with it?”

“Can you keep it for me? I’d like it if you kept it.”

“Why would I do that?” She asked playfully.

“Because it’s a good present~”

Ynuntu stuck her tongue out at me and giggled some more, checking out the blade. “Ooo~ it is pretty. Did you get this from Minosia?”

I nodded and shrugged. “Queen Jayne is a friend and I have some connections in Minosia that make me a popular figure. Little gifts like this make their way into my hands, and then I get to pass them along to people who hopefully won’t try to stab me in the back with them.”

“Oh, I won’t stab you in the back until you give me a reason to. Until then, why don’t we delay your quest a little bit longer and not have you die a horrid death for some silly reason?”

“Lovely! Would you happen to have any tea?”

“I do not, but I do have alcohol~” She grinned deviously.

“You’re trying to rape me.” I snorted.

“It’s not rape if you’re aware of what I’m trying to do~”

“No, you getting me drunk while having this sleeping incense burning is rapey. I don’t actually have to sleep, you know.”

“Aww… Are you sure I can’t convince you for a normal romp in the hay?”

“I’m married.”

“Curses.”

“Would you like to talk some more?”

“Yes, actually.” Ynuntu the Youthful smiled some more. “Would you like to meet some of my consorts?”

“Are they going to hold me down so you can rape me?”

“They might hold you tight so I can try you~”

“Please stop.”

“I’m a very influential woman~!”

“I’m a very influential man who doesn’t want to cheat on his wife.”

“Admirable I suppose.” She sighed. “I’ll make some tea.”

“I’ll be right here.” I gave her a little smile.

Ynuntu slithered away calmly and came back a few minutes later, so I carried Amaretta over to a low sitting table that I had to kneel at to be at a decent height to use. It was a little uncomfortable, but I was fine with the pillow beneath my knees. We talked about random things for a little while as I waited for the drugs in the tea to purge themselves from my system, as evidenced by the nasty yellow sludge that I spat into the cup when I was finished with it. Ynuntu was a little abashed at her third attempt having fell through, so she offered me amnesty from athree crimes should I ever commit them in her country and offered to meet with me the next day to give me my quest since she was sure that I was tired of putting up with her advances. She was right, of course, so I got a little wigwam for myself and Amaretta for the night.

The wigwam was warm and so was the night, but for the most part I was partially trying not to pass out or succumb to the hallucinations that were taking over throughout the night as my mind weakened due to the effects of the sleeping reagents Ynuntu had tried to feed me. I mean, I kept my wits about me while pink elephants paraded around me and the Naga that were supposed to be my guards kept trying to come into the structure, so it turned into a long, anxious night filled with paranoia and more than a little bit of snuggling up to Amaretta for the sake of not feeling alone. I really must say that I’ve never understood the appeal behind hallucinations, as much as those Helix Root users tried to justify the ‘trip’. Never before have I experienced something so uncannily unpleasant as that.

After that long, unfortunate night, I saw the sun outside and Amaretta woke up along with it, so I myself tried to stop tripping before we went back to the longhouse. I didn’t and I was still quite weirded out by the world and all of the shifting shapes and colours, but I was of sound enough mind to remember what I was supposed to be doing, so I made sure that I was actually going to get my mission before anything too crazy happened. Upon re-entering the First Longhouse, I threw up and had to be escorted back outside and Ynuntu exited her longhouse to accommodate me.

“Can’t handle a little heat?” Ynuntu asked innocently.

I gave her a shitty look. “You’re effectively poisoning me at this point.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“I know, which is why I’m still here. What do you even want me to do?”

Ynuntu the Youthful whipped out the dagger I’d given her yesterday and held it out to me. “Can you coat this in the blood of a Basilisk? It would be useful for a luck ritual that would go a long way in soothing my people’s weary hearts.”

“Why should I help you now that you’ve tried to rape and poison me?”

“Because the being that told you to come here told me that you have no choice.”

I shot her a shitty look. “The being told me to come here told me to sacrifice someone. I name you as my choice.”

“Aww, Sweetie~!” She crooned miserably. “Come give me some sugar, won’t you?”

“No.”

“Pleeease? I won’t have you arrested if you do~”

I stared at her before glancing at Amaretta, who nodded rapidly. Turning back to the scaly grandma with the young voice, I gave her a dead look. “If I kiss your cheek, will you tell me where to go?”

“I sure will, my little fleshy one.” She gave me a toothy smile.

I came over and gave her a kiss, getting licked in the process. “There.”

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“I can taste you.”

“And that’s odd, but I’m not surprised. You’ll need to travel to the northern Serpestian border; the one we share with the Kappa clans. The Basilisk is said to live somewhere in the Fallen Forest, so it shouldn’t be difficult to find. Killing it, however, should prove a little more difficult.”

I sighed. “Can you tell me anything about this beast, or do you just want me to go and die while trying to kill it?”

“Oh, the Basilisks in Serpest aren’t often aggressive, but that’s because we generally kill them while young. This one seems to have been able to survive for about fifty years and make itself grow to a considerable size. It’s petrifying gaze has weakened over the time it’s taken to grow to the size it has by my people’s accounts, but it’s still supposed to be quite formidable.”

“... And you haven’t sent anyone to deal with it before now because…?”

“I haven’t felt like it. I’ve had far more pressing matters to deal with than some stony lizard.”

“Except it’s the biggest stony lizard you’ve likely ever seen and it’s terrorizing your people.”

“More pressing matters.”

“Right.”

She sighed. “Would you like a guide?”

“Yes, please.”

“Then I’ll arrange for you to be given someone to lead you to the forest. Do try and bring them back alive.”

“I don’t want people to die, so don’t worry about that.”

“I’ll choose not to and leave my daughter in your capable hands. Just know that if she breaks a claw while trying to help you, I’m ripping one of your paws off.”

“I’ll suffocate this entire longhouse and not give a fuck.” I replied flatly, giving a fuck while lying.

Ynuntu opened her mouth and closed it. “Right. You know we can just go hide underwater, no?”

“I’m sure you could until I froze it.” I countered.

“Fair point. Stop threatening me and go wait in the room I prepared for you.”

“Stop making me threaten you. Until we meet again.”

Instead of flying across the moat for a fourth time, I decided to create a water bridge and allow myself and Amaretta to walk across without fear of actually getting wet. She still got a little soggy around the tip of her tail, but it was nothing worth complaining about for more than a few minutes. Once we alighted back to our borrowed home, Amaretta switched to Shade Rose and I asked her about Basilisks, though she could only tell me to stab it in the eyes, basically. It sounded like a plan that was far worse than just suffocating it until it was dopey and slitting its throat, so I told her that I was either going to drown it or choke it with Magic. She liked my plan and tried to get me to give her some more blood, but I told her to shut up and wait for the time where she was actually hungry instead of peckish.

She coaxed a little out of me before our guide showed up, but it’s not like I let her have a lot. Shade got a mouthful and was a pleasant girl afterwards, swallowing the load I’d given her with a smile on her face. I found the fact that she grew flirty and touchy-feely after feeding to be odd, but she mostly just poked fun at me and smiled lasciviously at me until I responded to her advances one way or another. When I let her know that I wasn’t interested in the sex, she was a little disappointed, but she was glad to hear that I would give her a hug. Our guide showed up five minutes into the simple hug that had been extended faaar too long by Jayne’s new stalker and she just looked at us.

Shade stared at her until Ynuntu’s daughter said, “... Am I interrupting something?”

“Yes.” Shade said, nuzzling me.

I tried shoving Shade off of me for the thousandth time. “Can you help me out here?”

“Oh, just a little longer~” The Vampiress bargained.

“You said that five minutes ago.” I grunted.

“Aww…” She let go, sighing. “Is it a crime to want your warmth?”

“No, it’s adulterous,” I deadpanned.

“Well maybe you should divorce your wife for someone prettier?”

“My wife is a warrior. You’re a seductress. Your appeals are different.”

“Choose the warrior, fleshy one. She will prove more useful than a whorse.”

“And you might just not come back alive.” Shade said darkly.

The Naga raised a brow. “There is little in this nation that I cannot handle. You are on that list.”

“So you say now, Yellow-Belly.”

Ynuntu’s daughter drew herself up higher on her tail to make herself taller. “... I look forward to seeing you die, whorse.”

“Likewise, coil.”

“I don’t understand this pissing contest, nor do I particularly care for it. Who wants to get started on our journey so we can finish it faster?” I raised my hand.

Shade nodded. “Let’s.”

The Naga nodded. “Sense from an older male is quite worthy of listening to. We shall proceed as you say, Elder.”

Shade pointed at me. “I’m at least four thousand years older than him.”

“Three.” I corrected.

“What?”

“I’m a thousand years old.”

“And males are three times wiser than most females, so we follow the fleshy one’s lead. No Naga would ever follow a Mare.”

Shade shot her a dirty look, but I didn’t particularly care, instead preferring to head out of the wigwam and into the day for some good old fashioned walking since my traveling companions felt like arguing. My mood was fine, but Shade seemed like she could use a drink and the Naga refused to tell her name to us, so she was pretty annoying herself. I started a conversation with her about whether or not Naga cooked all the meat they ate and she said that the only meat they didn’t cook was fish. I didn’t like that since fish needed to be cooked to avoid giving one parasites, but I figured that the Snake-People probably had that problem all sorted out without my intervention being necessary.

Over the course of the next few days, my little trio made our way across the somewhat narrow width of Serpest and came to a settlement that went by the name of Fangsum. It was one of the larger places with the most of the scaly bastards swarming about. The Fallen Forest was still a full day’s travel away and the only other thing I could do at the moment other than ditch my companions and make up all the time I had lost was stay with them and stop them from killing each other at that point. Nothing I’d tried had brought the female Naga and Shade to an understanding, and it was unwise for Shade to give Amaretta control after being caught in the driver’s seat, so we were a little stuck for a move.

I had to feed Shade again when we found a nice patch of open land to set our tents up on, and much to my surprise, we weren’t bothered by anything outside of our little group. The three previous nights of camping had held a giant bird attack, a pack of coyotes (Or some dog-like creature of the sort) and a wailing ghost that had begged for each of us to come out of our tents and save it in a child’s voice. If the female Naga hadn’t identified it before I could get out of my tent, I would have had a very short, very painful fight on my hands that would not have ended well, but the night we found Fangsum was eerily uneventful for what we’d had to deal with so far in our journey.

Over the course of that silent, peaceful night, I traded a few more stories with my companions as they did their best not to make eye contact with each other, their Alpha Female thing wearing on my nerves more than ever. Things were even worse on my poor, poor old man mind since Shade had saved us from the dog-creatures and the Naga had saved us from the ghost. They owed each other their lives and would likely never acknowledge that, and it was that sort of discourtesy and ingratitude between them that made me call it an early night and head to sleep with none of their further bullshit. With them on my mind and my mission making me wonder just what the fuck I was doing with my time and life, I rolled over, tossed and turned, and eventually gave up on sleeping when I felt my stomach go a little sour.

Something was making me nauseous as Hell and it wasn’t the stew I’d helped make for dinner. No, it was some kind of danger lurking nearby, but it didn’t take a genius to know that what we were tracking had found us and was likely going to start pulling bullshit soon. Over the course of a few minutes, I waited in my tent, my weapons at the ready while nothing happened. Then, like a shadow in the night, a dark figure cast a shadow on one of the walls in my tent before passing on, my heart freezing for the split second that I saw my quarry. Hope that Shade and the Naga were okay filled my heart, but I waited until my stomach was settled to go and check up on them.

Shade was sound asleep in her tent, but the Naga’s teepee had been knocked over and she herself lay on the ground unmoving, not even the slight rise and fall of possible breathing being discernible from about fifteen or so good paces away. Instead of doing the sensible thing and rushing over to check up on her, I got into the sky and looked around in all directions for any hint of the creature, but I couldn’t find so much as a footprint anywhere. Heading back to where Ynuntu’s daughter lay let me see that she was, in fact, breathing. Sadly, she was out cold and nothing I could do, not even pouring water into her snout and nose did much more than make her sputter in her sleep.

Tangerine Breeze had only taught me a small handful of First Aid Spells that would allow me to treat things like cracked or fractured bones and small lacerations, but I didn’t know if anything I had in my limited arsenal would tell me what the fuck had crept up on the Naga and put her to sleep so solidly, but had avoided turning her to stone. My diagnostic spell took a few tries to get going, but from the weakness of the result, I could tell that my companion was dying slowly. I had days to make sure that she would live, but I would have to find whatever did the thing to her and figure out how to not let her die. That was going to prove easier said than done, but when I got Shade up and moving for the day, she guaranteed me that she could keep the Naga alive for as long as I wanted her to live if I let her feed until she was full.

What other choice did I have but to agree?

Now, I’ve always fed Shade indirectly, but she wanted to draw my blood directly from the tap, so to speak, so I let her bite my wrist to get what she wanted and tried not to let the irritating pain turn my bad day worse. It took her a good while to be fully sated, but thanks to my Demon blood and accelerated healing factor, I wasn’t exactly incapacitated from a little blood loss.

✮ Wait, didn't it feel good at all? ✮

No. Now that you mention it, that is rather odd.

Ω I guess Garrison just isn’t as kinky as you, Jayne~ Ω

✮ Fuck it, at least I’m sexy ✮

Ω Meh. Ω

Damn. Anyway, Shade drank my blood and dropped a little of hers into the Naga’s mouth to keep her alive, though she mentioned that she was going to have to do it again and again until we solved our unique little problem. With that little piece of shit on our plates, I had to fly Ynuntu’s daughter to the nearest town since she was too heavy to carry and we left her in the care of a Shaman/Witch Doctor of some kind that promised to see her through to the end of whatever ailed her, one way or another. Shade opted to let me hunt for the thing that had snuck up on us alone since she needed to be near the Naga to give her blood, and I needed to find the thing and kill it with a dagger before more bad shit happened.

I chose not to wait any longer. It seemed like a good choice and it was probably the best one I could have made, so I flew away from Fangsum with a map and a compass until I found the most obvious aerial landmark that’s ever existed: A forest of fallen trees. Instead of slowing down, I started sweeping the forest, looking for a really big fucking lizard, but I couldn’t see anything in the hours that I searched the bloody place. I eventually decided to land on one of the trees, each of them as thick as a man is wide, and some of them thicker than even Twilight’s Treebrary. It was odd to see such a collection of massive pieces of wood, especially in a country with so little of it to go around. While I stood around regaining my magic and scratching my head, I heard some steps on some wood that stopped the second I started moving.

In order to make the movement look natural, I continued in the same fluid motion and started stretching in the direction I’d been going, but the footsteps didn’t continue. In a slightly desperate attempt, I cursed in Vulpha and casually swore at my luck in Common. From behind me, I heard an excited gasp that sounded non-sapient. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it wasn’t exactly the best news I’d had all day, even considering the fact that I was about to disappoint Empress Twilight or Kauku (Whatever the fuck she wanted to be called) by getting the wrong person killed. Well, I wasn’t certain, but I was sure enough, so I grasped at the straw that had flown into my path and turned toward the skittering sound.

As it turned out, my new little friend was a Basilisk, but obviously a young one. “[Hi! Hi-Hi-Hi there!]”

I gave it a nod, looking at the top of its head instead of its eyes. “[Hello, little one. Excitable, are we?]”

It opened its mouth and hissed in staccato, laughing. “[I’ve never met a Two-Leg before! Of courssse thisss isss cool!]”

“[And I’ve never met a Basilisk, so I supposed we’ve both met a certain quota for the day, hmm?]”

“[Oh, you can never have too many friendsss! Essspecially here in the Fallen Foressst!]”

“[Are there a lot of friends to make here?]” I asked politely.

The little scamp hopped its way over to me and climbed up so that its right claw was on my knee and its chin was on my thigh. “[Well, yeah! Thisss isss hallowed ground! The Matron doessn’t really like dealing with folksss who go around killing ssstuff here… That’sss kinda why Mom patrolsss for the Naga who come here to hunt.]”

“Dammit,” I grunted. “[Does your Mum ever leave the forest?]”

“[Nope! SSShe likesss it here too much. It’s a good place to lay eggsss, apparently. I’m just glad I don’t lay eggsss.]” The little male reptile blinked slowly.

I patted his head carefully. “[Ss- Er, so am I. Do you think you could take me to this Matron person?]

“[Ooo! Ooo! Can we go in the air!?]”

“[Yes. Yes we can.]” I picked him up carefully and he giggled. “[How’s this?]”

“[I can’t wait to finally fly!]”

“[Then let’s get to it,]” I said, already taking off.

While in the air, I could barely hear his squeals of excitement, but he gave me decent directions to the place we were supposed to go, which I could have found for myself if I’d been paying a little more attention. By that I mean it was cloaked by Magic and the only reason I was able to see it this time around was because of my passenger. As the sun was setting in the horizon, the little lizard had me drop him off on the edge of a giant circle that was formed with woven trees forming a giant basket. There was a tall, gnarled tree resting in the middle of the open glade, the sight of the sun’s fading light giving it an otherworldly glow, though it may have been the fucking globe on top of the tree that gave it the quality. I didn’t know what the thing was supposed to be, but it reminded me of a feeling I’d had in the Everfree, a certain energy to it that wasn’t exactly like Verdandi’s, but close to it.

The closer I came to the tree, the more animals came out of the woodwork. I stopped near the tree and heard some low growls sound as the roots parted and a woman walked up from the ground, breathing in the air deeply with a slight smile on her face before she suddenly frowned. I put my little Basilisk buddy on the ground since the woman seemed rather upset, as evidenced by the fact that she turned toward me, adjusted her skirts and started storming her way over. I raised my hands slowly and she stopped for a moment before continuing at a more relaxed pace.

“You! Why are you here?”

I waved to her. “Hail! I’ve come to subdue the giant Basilisk that’s been bothering the Naga, to be honest with you.”

She gave me a stern look. “And you smell of Verdandi because…?”

“Her forest kind of tried to trap me inside of it. I’m surprised that you know that beautifully unpleasant woman.”

The goddess’ frown eased and she looked at me with interest. “You’re an enemy of my sister?”

“I… Well… Um…” I bit my lip. “Well, I may have helped create a fire tornado to burn down some of her forest, so…”

The woman beamed brilliantly and started walking toward me again, her beauty shining through. “Then you are a friend to me! Welcome to the Fallen Forest, friend!”

I gave her a smile in turn and watch the little Basilisk run up to a much, much larger one. I averted my gaze before it could get me in trouble and looked at the woman’s breasts because they wouldn't turn me to stone-

✮ Nah, just wood. ✮

As I was saying, I replied with, “Thank you, friend. May I ask a favour of you?”

“Of course! Friends help friends, do they not?” She gave me a warm smile.

I returned her smile. “I need you to help me get some of the big Basilisk’s blood so I can go and bamboozle an old snake. That would be nice.”

“Mmm…” She replied, pursing her lips. “So that’s going to cost you, pal.”

“I’m willing to pay a certain price.” I answered.

“The blood of a hundred-year old Basilisk is pretty hard to come by, Mr. Cosantoir. I know you’re willing to pay the price, but you don’t know what it is.”

“... What is it and how do you-”

“Know your real name? I looked into the future. My name is Skuld, and I come to know you well in the time you will spend here.” She closed her eyes and looked off to the side, making a gesture with her hand. A large bird screeched and flew off as Skuld opened her eyes and looked to me again. “I will tell you my price in the morning, and we will negotiate for as long as you would like. For tonight, you are welcome to take shelter with me in my tree if you wish.”

I looked her in the eye and took a deep breath, holding it for a moment. “You can’t tell me now?”

“I don’t tell you until the morning. You will see why then.” She offered me a rueful grin and turned, walking back to her tree.

I looked around and watched her go, but I didn’t have any clue as to what else I should do. With nothing other than following Skuld to do, I chose that option and flew over to close the distance. She barely spared me a glance and opened her tree for us, leading me down to what felt like a hobbit hole. It was a cozy place, but there was only one pile of leaves, and Skuld went over to lay on it before I could consider it. I wondered if I could make a bed out of air and nearly gave it a shot before Skuld invited me into her bed of leaves.

✮ I’m telling Maud~ ✮

Ω Don’t be a snitch. Ω

We didn’t do anything anyways. Well, anything other than talk until she fell asleep, that is. Skuld just wanted to know more about me, so I gave her as many honest answers as I could in the magically low-lit space while she told me bits and pieces about herself. It wasn’t a terribly boring time, I can say that much. Still, I would have preferred to make sure that Ynuntu’s daughter didn’t die on my watch as soon as possible, and I was hoping that Skuld was going to be a little less than careful with what she asked of me. The multiple steps of my quest pissed me off a fair bit, but it was a necessary evil. That’s what I told myself to finally get some rest.

Author's Note

Welp. This chapter is being posted from my phone since my laptop is broken. Here's hoping I get that fixed soon.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Light As A Feather

Chapter Thirty-Three: Light As A Feather

₪ღ✮ღ₪

As with all good things there came a time where I could sleep no more, and that time was when the fucking wake up call came for me to have a proper meeting with Queen Bast and the Pawsine Council Members. For one, I didn’t give a shit about the Dogs, and for two, Bast was starting to strike me as sketchy as fuck. Nothing she did or said really gave her a solid character in my book, which was odd for a member of royalty. Especially for a kitty-person. From what I knew, most Cats were full of life and loved to talk and trade jokes and compliments; they were just a generally talkative people. However, as with most talkative people, Cats generally have strong or apparent personalities that come across as you speak to them, but I couldn't’ really get a solid read off of Bast. I knew that she wanted me as an ally since the Dogs hated both of us anyway, but beyond that, there was little I knew about her motives.

As I got dressed for the day, I prepared for some disdain and general bullshit to be tossed my way as I thought about the dogs. Rover being a German Shepard meant that he was an aggressive prick and Dottie being a little Jack Russell, standing nearly six inches shorter than me, meant that she wasn’t too keen on the whole ‘BARK BARK BOOF!’ as much as the ‘Tummy wub pwease?’ part of Dogdom. I could see the Good Pupper in her eyes, but Rover needed to be reminded of the dominant species, and ya gal was the one who could do it no problem.

While Ligre did my hair (His Mom used to be a stylist. Go figure, right?) I talked to him about what the general rule of thumb for Dogs was for his people and he said that none of the larger Cat races had problems with Dogs and few of the larger Dog races had problems with Cats. It was the little fuckers that beefed all the time, so I wondered if Rover was just a prick in general or if he was a Chihuahua in a Shepard’s body. He wasn’t exactly dangerous to me, but I could imagine that he and his and guards would make some trouble since some of them were Wolves that had changed teams from Tribalism to Civilization.

I liked my odds in a fight, but I didn’t like my odds in a political conflict. The Dogs were notorious for their occasional bouts of brilliance in negotiations, but I was honestly banking on my bullshit detecting skills and Dottie’s relative submissiveness to win this particular fight. Once Ligre was done working his Magic to make me look regal while my hair was only shoulder length because I refused to grow it out any longer than that, We got a move on to the Grand Terrace for a mid-morning breakfast in the open air with plenty of shade. However, breakfast was already shaping up to be rough by the time Jorr, Ligre and I came to breakfast.

“-mnably hot! This blasted place is enough to make you rip your own coat off!” Rover barked deeply, his bullshit making my feet vibrate.

Dottie perked up when she saw me before glancing to Rover and looking back down. Bast noticed her attention shift toward me before she looked away, alerting her to my presence. “Ah, Queen Jayne! I see you’re-”

“Tardy!” Rover barked. Almost literally. “Just where do you-”

“Shut the fuck up and realize that you’ve just spat in your hostess’ face, Mutt.” I replied at volume.

Rover cocked his head to the side and bore his teeth at me. “You dare-”

“You dare bare your teeth at the Goddamn Queen of Minosia? You trumped up lit-tle beeyotch: I will punch you inna quickness.”

“Let’s not lose our tempers so early in the day now,” Bast said, mediator mode coming into play. “After all, the day’s just begun-”

“And-” Rover started to cut her off again, so I flung a Silence Hex at him. He stopped barking when he realized he wasn’t making any noise.

I looked at Bast. “I’m so sorry for our fellow ruler’s rudeness. The dogs of my world had far superior manners than this.” I turned to Rover to see that he was pointed at me and (Probably) trying to shout curses at me.

Dottie spoke up. “Th-This is an offense that th-the Council will not stand for!”

I raised a brow. “And your Council would deny two Queens of potential ally nations so much as a modicum of respect?”

Dottie shut up.

Rover hit her and started yapping at her, so I unmuted him for a second. “- bitch! You’re a disgrace to the- Oh.” His voice was so hoarse that it was actually laughable.

“And to speak to your own colleague in such a manner! Why, I say! Bad Dog! Bad, bad Dog!” I chided.

Rover bore his teeth at me again and growled. “I will not forget this!”

I gave him a bored look. Then I looked at Bast. Dottie was next. “... I don’t see this going anywhere fast. I really don’t. It literally took me the time to look between the three of you to understand best to show you how far you’re out of your depth.” Bast opened her mouth as I picked my purse up off the ground. “Hold on, kitty-cat. I’ve got something special to show you.”

“Your Majesty!” Ligre said in a warning tone.

“Cease this foolishness at once before you truly face the might of the Dog Clans, you overblown Dryad!” Rover rasped.

I pulled out a pinch of insanity and willed it into an eye-dropper. I basically dumped two milliliters of raw Double-You-Tee-Eff into each eye to concentrate the Magic there and send it into a complete and total frenzy. The MRP would’ve made a sane person’s eyes explode at the rate the Mana gathered and separated, but I was crazier than a fox and twice as likely to fuck off into a den. My eyes were now super-charged with raw Insanity, they went from amber to bright and sunny orange, my true colors shining through in the moment. From there, I turned my gaze to Rover and turned him into a normal German Shepard with a corgi tail because I thought it would be cute, and I turned Bast’s mind into straight mush for a little bit so I could tinker with her thoughts. Dottie was the only one I left alone since even the guards got a taste of my Slave Gaze, so when I was done, I just blinked away the excess Magic for use at a later date and gave Dottie a wink.

Dottie stared at her former colleague as he licked her hands and tried to get her to pet him. “... Rover?”

“Not quite. You can take him home with you if you want. He should be house trained and a lot more pleasant to be around now,” I said flippantly.

The Bitch looked at me with fear in her eyes while Queen Bast wore a thousand yard stare. “... What- What have you done? A-Are you-”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Dottie. You seem like a good little Bitch to me, so I think I’ll just let you know that you work for me now. How’[s that sound?”

She nodded rapidly. “It sounds good, Your Majesty!”

I gave her a warm smile. “Thanks, Cutie Pie.” Looking to Bast, I snapped my fingers to bring her out of her reverie.

Sadly, I’d interrupted Bast’s reformation right around the time I was throwing catnip around in her soul, so she came back to the waking world high as fuck. “Meeooow~”

Dottie looked scared, so I just went over and patted her shoulder. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about her, Dottie. She’ll be fine after naptime.”

Bast smiled at me like I was her best friend throughout the ages. “Jayne~ Why don’t you come sit next to me and we’ll share tales over breakfast?”

“Boof!” Rover barked. “Boof boof woof!”

Dottie stroked his back and he stopped barking, so I gave him a strip of bacon from the table before going over to Bast to talk with her for a little bit. We eventually dragged Dottie over so we could all have a grand ol’ time with Bast’s horror stories of being in office, my ludicrous assassination attempts, and after a bit, we even got Dottie herself to talk about being the Omega in the Pawsine Council. Apparently it had its perks, and not getting turned into an actual dog was one of them in Dottie’s books.

Other than that, I basically just bullied an alliance out of the two women and fucked off for the rest of the day, spending my time in the lap of luxury while patting myself on the back for solving things the most efficient way possible as well as cementing myself as a threat to be reckoned with at later dates. All was going to plan, whatever that was supposed to be,. And I was happily taking my place as the ruler of the Eastern Hemisphere as time progressed. All I’d have to do would be go to Serpest and voila! Ynuntu would be under my thumb too and all would be right with the right side of the world.

I wasn’t slated to go to Serpest any time soon, and Ynuntu hadn’t sent a delegate or anything over since refugees from her country started showing up in mine, so I sent her a letter asking for an audience in due time while I was preparing to go and get lost from The Great Sands. I didn’t want to deal with the heat of the place any longer than I’d already had to anyway, so I was glad to get the hell out of the place and back to my cooler, less shitty country and deal with my uglier, less cool people.

There wasn’t much keeping me in The Sands other than Bast herself who seemed to just enjoy having me around after I broke her brain. I thought that it might come to bite me in time, but I really wasn’t all that worried about it since no one gave a damn about what no one could prove I did in the first place. I was free and clear of my sins as far as the normies were concerned, and if they weren’t, then all the better for me. Honestly the mind bending should have made me feel bad, but then I remembered that Max used to do the same thing for his own purposes when he was getting out there and I felt a little more justified in my rationalizations. I mean, I’m comparing myself to a guy who was a much better person than me from the get go, and I’d like to say that following in his footsteps wasn’t the worst idea I could’ve come up with.

After I left The Great Sands, I arrived back home in Minosia and walked the streets to get back to the castle instead of trying to get a carriage or a chariot arranged. I liked having my people see me among them as often as possible, so I usually chose to walk it out or generally just stop and talk to a few merchants here and there to see what the word on the street is. Outside of the usual gossip, no one gave me any juicy details on anything, so I let the general populace be on the way back to the castle and chose to go and see the Hermione and ask if she wanted to cuddle or some shit since it was getting late in the day. Diane didn’t strike me as cuddle-buddy-of-the-minute, so Hermione was the one that could come and get some affection if she wanted it.

I unfortunately arrived right at dinner time, so I had to walk to the opposite side of the middle of the fucking Court Hall instead of riding on Midas’ shoulder. He was a good taxi when I hadn’t pissed him off, but with the previous days events and the Good Boy Routine having played out, he wasn’t letting me hitch a ride anytime soon since I wasn’t going to make him do it. After arriving in the Dining Hall in time to see Hermione and Diane turn away from each other in a huff, I sighed and sat between both of them. “So I-”

“We know.” They chorused.

“And we both think you’re growing too big for your britches, Buster!” Diane chided.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “I simply think you are overplaying your hand and making yourself far too many enemies far too quickly. Simmer down a little, will you?”

I gave them both dirty looks. “You try being this powerful and not flexing on the punks who try and face up to you. It’s like bowling over toddlers!”

They exchanged worried looks. “... The mind of an insane man in an insane woman’s body…” Diane trailed off.

“A dangerous thing indeed,” Hermione answered. “However, we must remember that Jayne is not evil, simply…”

“Obsessive compulsive about having things done my way?” I asked halfheartedly.

“More like casually assholish.” My bitch of a bombshell brunette babe said brashly. Well, she said it casually, but alliteration.

“I would say wholly aware of and willing to use her power at a whim, which is getting dangerous, my daughter.” Hermione’s face fell into a mildly disapproving expression.

I flicked my tongue out at her. “Fuck ya dearly Ms. Yearly.” I turned to Diane and flashed her a stupid face over the course of the blink of an eye, nailed perfectly. “Eat a wicker tick in a Burning Man dick.”

Diane threw a dinner roll at me, so I ate it with my left eye, using my brow and cheek to hold the role in place while my eyelids ate it. Diane’s jaw dropped when she realized that the bread was getting smaller and smaller. “... No-kay. That’s a nokay from me, Babe.”

Eye dropped the roll- Fuggin’ ow, mayhaps?

Ω It’s time to stop before I drop and roll you. Ω

Taste your bourbon. I dare you.

Ω … That’s not nice. A lady shouldn’t do that to a gentleman’s bourbon. Ω

Try me-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-I give! The fuck was that!?

Ω Flowing strikes. Ω

☬ Ah, seems like it would be apt for my Wind Magic. ☬

Ω Later. Jayne was telling a story? Ω

Shit dick. Anyway, I put the roll into my hand and ate it normally, though I had a few crumbs on my cheek. Diane got up and walked over to me, looking into my eyes with a certain amount of fear in her own. “... Nutter Butter?”

“No nuts, more butt.” I made a face.

“... Butter Nutter?”

I cracked a smile. “Do you think I’m butter like this?”

My best friend in the whole world gave me the saddest smile I’d seen since the day her husband died, the day my previous best friend had been stabbed in the back. She looked at me and I could practically feel the pit in her stomach; the weight on her chest that she need to push off. It was a long time coming, ever since I’d started dabbling with Blood Magic in the first place, and I’d already known that it was going to come to a head at some point since I kept fucking up. She place a hand on my shoulder and the other on her heart. A clearer indication of the magnitude of what she was about to say, there really couldn’t have been.

“Jayne…” She started, trailing off even after a good bit to find her words. “Jayne, I love you. I love you, but you are not a fucking god.”

I puckered my lips. “Nah, I’m a fishy.” Kissy noises were then made.

She slapped the piss out of Pistol and put it in Piston, because she backhanded me with aplomb. I cut my lips on my teeth with both swings, but before I could whack her back, I stopped feeling like doing it. I just looked at her and saw that tears were streaming down her face. “Jameson Maxwell Underwood, you are becoming evil. Do you just not care?”

“I mean-a what-a do ya want-a me to say-a, Diane!? I cannot-a give a fuck-a!”

“... Okay.”

I gave her a smile. “Ya wanna be evil too?”

Diane blinked rapidly. “... I don’t like hurting people, Jayne…”

“Neither do I, Babycakes. I just turn people into things and make them do dumb shit because I can.”

“So you’re an asshole.”

“I’m a bitch.”

“... That’s not who I am, Jayne.” Diane sighed.

“Then cheer up the people I make sad. Stay close to take me down when I actually become a threat.” My smile didn’t make her smile.

She cleared her cheeks of her tears and sat down next to me. It took her a long time to say, “:.. Okay.”

I looked at her lovingly, hoping that she would know how much I truly wanted her in my life. Hoping that she would know that I just wanted her to be happy. “Are you sure?”

“I’m as sure as I can be.” She said.

I laid a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. “Then welcome to the club, Diane. I never meant for it to come to this.”

She tried to close her eyes and turn her head when she realized that my eyes were the wrong color, when she realized that I was using Mari’s emotions to fill the voids in my psyche. Without a heart of my own, I watched myself break and rebuild Diane’s mind-

☬ Max, stop! ☬

Ω SHE TRUSTED YOU! Ω

☬ Furladra’s fucking tits, STOP! ☬

…

Ω … Ω

☬ … ☬

Fuckin’ ugh. Just had to get us thrown out, didn’t you?

Ω Just tell the story. Ω

You’re gonna be pissed. I don’t even know how you remember Diane.

Ω Just tell the story Ω

Fine. I reshaped Diane’s mind to suit the future she was looking at as long as she was going to stay by my side, and as she fell asleep, I caught her and held her, smiling at Hermione. “So? What do you say?”

She stared at me, probably trying not to show that she was terrified since Diane had been her rival. “Where you lead, I shall follow, daughter.”

“Thank you Mommy. Can we go have snuggles?”

If she could actually eat, I think she would have been ill. “... Do you seriously…?”

“Yeah. I could go for some finger fuckin’. I’m dripping.”

“... Yggdragil’s staff and shaft…”

“Kiddin’ Mommy. I was kidding.”

“Oh thank Heavens.” She sighed in relief.

Damn. “I still want to cuddle. I’m sad that Diane made me-”

“We can cuddle as long as you bring her with us this time. I want to monitor how she’s doing for the time being.”

“Yeah, okay. While you do that, I’m going to be slipping into something a little cooler. I’m practically dying of heatstroke at this point.”

Hermione gave me a look. “I could have gone in your stead, you know. Or Diane could have gone.”

“And ruined my good name? Please. You two wouldn’t know what to do without me.”

“I’ve managed for nearly ten thousand years, you sperm.”

“Sure thing, you silver fox.”

She rolled her eyes as I picked Diane up. “Do you want me to have some of the food brought up to your chambers for a snack?”

“If you wouldn’t mind. I need to feed my eyes too.”

“... Seriously?”

“They only work so long without being fed. It’s not like I have to do it terribly often.”

“That is very disturbing.”

“Wanna eat me out while I eat?”

“You really are horny!”

“Sorry I get off from flexin’! It’s not my fault!”

“I don’t know what that means, but I want you to knock it off. Do you hear me, young Miss?”

I bent my head and shuffled my feet, holding Diane a little closer. “Yes Mommy…”

“That’s what I thought. Now you are not to use your nasty little powers against Diane or myself ever again unless it is abso-lutely necessary, understood?”

“Yes Mommy.”

“Hmph! That’s what I thought. I’ll see you in your room, and you had better be wearing something appropriate. Am I being clear?”

“Of course, Mommy.”

“Good. Now go.” She pointed toward the door and I started trudging away. “Jayne, what have I told you about your posture?”

She let me go after I straightened up and Diane cuddled up to me while she was knocked the fuck out, so that was nice. Other than that, there wasn’t much going on until I got to my room where I saw what Hermione had meant by ‘appropriate’. She wanted me to wear some Grandma’s nightgown as a joke or something, but I thought that it was weird, so I searched around for something else to sleep in. I didn’t have anything that would be comfortable, and all of my normal non-gay underwear had been replaced with girly shit that I was not going to wear. I didn’t even want to be wearing the damn robes that I had on, but there was little I could do about it other than strip it off and sleep in dirty underwear.

Or sleep naked. It was weird, but I had no problems doing it.

After a quick bath and blitz to get ready for bed and shit, I dried off and prepared to climb into bed before Hermione came up behind me and slapped my bare ass with a vengeance. I about whirled around and smacked her before she caught my hand and gave me a motherly glare. “Your birthday suit is not appropriate, young lady.”

I winced. “B-But Mommy!”

She leaned down and glared at me. “You are going to pick out a nice pair of panties and you’re going to put your nightgown on for bedtime. Do you understand?”

“But-”

“No buts.”

I gave her the saddest look I could, but her gaze didn’t soften any. “Mommy, I-”

“What did I just say, Jayne?”

I looked down and shuffled my feet, covering my lady parts as I stood. “... I’m not a girl.”

“I would rather say that you are, daughter. Go put on some panties.”

I rubbed my arm, but didn’t make any move to do anything else.

Hermione grabbed my arm and started dragging me across the room. “Fine. If you’re going to act like a petulant little filly, then Mommy’s going to treat you like a petulant little filly until you learn to accept what’s between your legs!”

My bare feet offered me no purchase on the smooth stone floor, so Hermione had no problem dragging my happy ass over to the wardrobe. “Mommy, I-”

“If you don’t put on your panties and your nightie, your getting a spanking!” She warned.

I wrested my arm from her and tried to zip across the room, but she caught me and eventually managed to put me into a faggoty-ass faggotacious faggotry-filled pair of fairy-ass panties. With my pride aching and me being near tears, Hermione also made me put the fucking nightgown on and it was as humiliating as I’d thought it would be. When we laid down for bed, she was distant anyway when I cuddled up to her, and Diana provided little comfort in her sleep. I didn’t want to be a woman. I’d made it very apparent that I wasn’t going to give into being a woman, but the first thing Hermione does after welcoming me home from a hard fought brain-mushing was put me in some panties and make me her bitch for the night. The worst part was that she kept her hands on my hips all night so that I didn’t have a choice but to feel the difference.

Ω Boo-hoo. Ω

I was crazy! Seriously, I was basically an emotionless husk that only indulged in what I wanted to do, and having Hermione mother me was one of the things I wanted to happen! If she wanted to play mad and make me feel like a girl, then it was a part of my whim and thus it was okay. We both knew she was on borrowed time as far as ordering me around went, but she was willing to make use of what she had while she had it. I didn’t blame her for it, and I was sure that there was a reason behind her forcing me to wear women’s apparel, I just didn’t see it at the moment. That alone made it hard to sleep, but having Hermione’s presence just behind me while I slept was pretty fucking bad too. I didn’t want her there if she wasn’t going to give me my damned cuddles, and if I didn’t want her there, she didn’t have to be there. Sadly, I wanted her around because I didn’t have anyone else to turn to, and it was all my fault.

Ω Eeyup. Ω

…

☬ … I’ll pick it up from here. ☬

✧❖☬❖✧

I still feel rather certain to this day that the only reason I woke from Skuld’s bed of leaves was because she allowed me to, and when I saw her beautiful face in the low lights of her home, I wondered how Maud was doing and if she’d like some dick. Skuld gently shook me from my slumber and handed me a half of an odd, seedy fruit not unlike a purplish-blue pomegranate. She ate from her own half of the fruit, so I tasted mine for myself and found the flavor to be unlike anything I’d ever had before. Every little pearl of freshness coated my mouth in what felt like sweet cream ice, and the more I ate, the more potent the flavour became. The fruit was delicious overall, and it made my breath smell better, so that was a plus.

“Good morning, and welcome to the waking world.” Skuld said pleasantly, propping herself up on one arm.

I copied her and gave her a smile. “Thank you for the treat and the nap. Both were very pleasant.”

“Any time, should you choose to come back to the Fallen Forest, of course,” She replied, reaching out to brush a stray lock of hair from my fair. It was a familiar gesture to be sure, but it certainly felt like a familial touch more so than an intimate caress.

I sat up and gave her a mild smile, taking my index claws and shaving my face with them. In between passes, I said, “You know, rare is the day I share a bed with a woman who isn’t family or soon to be introduced to it.”

She raised a brow and gave me a coy look. “Why, would you happen to be implying that we did more than talk in my den?”

“I would happily imply that to every animal in the forest. In fact, I might start making noises any second.”

“I would happily sire your children if you are not able to find a mate. I am the Matron, after all.” She gave me an earnest smile.

I couldn’t help but stare. “Right. I mean, I have a mate. A wife, actually. I was kidding.”

“But I am not. Your mate is a race of this world, is she not?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“Then you will struggle to conceive without my aid. Should you ever wish for a child, you know where to find me.” Skuld patted my chest and got up, walking toward the upward slope that lead out of her ‘den’.

I decided to follow her since I had nothing better to do with my time than sit and jerk my wiener schnitzel and dance with no pants, which neither actually sounded like any fun at the moment. What did sound fun was the walk Skuld offered to take me on through the forest with the giant Basilisk, a Wyvern, and a large cat of some kind with very large fangs that were nearly tusks. It wasn’t a famed sabre-toothed tiger or anything, but it certainly appeared to be a sword-mouthed panther of some kind. With our Honor Guard or whatever taking their various methods to stay close and keep up, Skuld lead me through the magnificent maze that was the Fallen Forest.

Trees, of course, were strewn everywhere, but what I hadn’t seen from the sky was that a lot of the trees were still living and growing just fine, despite being at an angle. Walking under them as they stacked together, and occasionally having to clamber over some of them to get to the next piece of whatever zany path it was that Skuld was taking happened to be quite fun. There were plenty of little critters that came up to us for conversation, and there were a few times where Skuld stopped to essentially talk to herself, but as if someone else was on the receiving side of the conversation. I wasn’t that worried about it since it wasn’t like she was going to come after me or anything of the sort, but I did wonder if she might have been a touch insane.

Other than that, the walk was nice and it gave me plenty of time to wonder what Skuld’s price was going to be. I hoped that she wasn’t softening me up for a heavy toll, but my hopes were dashed when she brought us back to the roots of her globe-wielding tree and sighed. “Well, Kaid Cosantoir… It’s time.”

I gave her a gentle smile and tried to relax. “Try not to be so foreboding, will you? It’s not like you’re asking for a pound of flesh, right?”

“... In a manner of speaking, I am, but even then it’s not something to be joked about.”

“Then let’s not give me any more opportunities to make jokes and just get on with what the price is, why don’t we?”

“... Would you ask that I stab you in your heart, or in your mind?”

“If you touch my wife-”

“Then you want to choose the mind?” Skuld asked softly.

“... Who is that?”

“I cannot tell you.”

“And I’m the Prince of Equestria. Seriously, are you taking the life of someone I care about?”

“I do not wish to do this to you, Kaid. My hand is being forced at this moment.”

“... I see. I won’t have anyone suffer on my behalf, Skuld.”

“... Garrison,” She said sadly, “there is no third option.”

I rose from my seat and looked her in the eye. “There’s always a third option, Skuld. You either make the choice, you cut and run, or you kill the person making you choose.”

She dodged the swipe I took at her with ease, and even my enhanced speed and the fact that my hands were my weapons couldn’t help me catch up to her pace. “You don’t want to do this, Garrison! It won’t end well for you!”

“Then tell me how I make this end well!” I continued my assault as best I could.

Out of nowhere, arrows started flying from thin air and I was hardpressed to dodge them while Skuld began her counter attack. “I can’t! Just make the choice!”

“I choose you!” I roared as an arrow caught me in my right calf.

I managed to get my Air Shield up in time to stop more arrows from peppering me, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Basilisk’s tail from whipping through my fucking shield. I caught the heavy blow on the chest and got sent flying, but fortunately, I’m good at flying. I got sent across the clearing before catching myself and my balance in the air. I had to get my shield back up quickly, but once it was up, all I had to do was rain Airrows down at the glade and suck up what I sent down to make animals start passing out left and right. Soon enough, only the Matron remained standing, but then she was only on the ground for so long.

She sprouted what seemed to be wings made of twigs with feathers made of leaves, following me into the air to battle me in my territory. She barely made it halfway to where I was where I shot an Airrow directly at her face, but it barely phased her. Air didn’t seem to be her weakness, so I decided to try fire as she charged at me, fist drawn back in preparation of what was surely to be a heavy punch. Green flames wrapped around my claws before I thrust them forward, channeling my frustrations with my mission and position in the world as my source of anger. The fire was adequately fueled, but it just wasn’t enough to do anything other than singe the Matron’s wings.

I caught her fist in my open claws and squeezed down, making her cry out as my claws cut through flesh and bit into bone. I only needed to hold her with one hand and prepare the other to strike her down, but… When Skuld raised her arm to shield herself from me, she tucked her head into her shoulder and offered no further resistance, her ruined hand shaking mightily in my loosening grip. I let her go, but kept her in my Air Shield as I started chanting a first aid spell for her.Skuld was understandably confused and I didn’t blame her. I’d been dead set on ending her life to make sure I got the Basilisk’s blood when I just… The anger in me just evaporated. Like water to a scalding skillet, it just disappeared and I took mercy on Skuld. It wasn’t her fault. She was a pawn in the same game I was playing, just as much a victim of circumstance as me.

Once she was as healed as I could get her, I started taking us back down to the ground, grabbing a snack while Skuld voiced her concerns. “... Why? Why did you spare me?”

“... Because this isn’t your fault. None of this is anyone’s fault other than Kauku’s.” I said gravely.

We touched back down to the forest floor and Skuld warded off her animals, looking at me curiously, her generally smiley face wearing a worried frown. “Then you will make your choice?”

“I’ve already made up my mind.” I gave her a sad smile, my breath already coming to me in shorter spans.

There was no smile for the man who’d just spared her life. “Then I’m listening.”

I sat down. “There’s always a third choice.”

She knelt next to me. “... You’re running away?”

The grass beneath my weary head was soft. “Always a third choice...”

I let my breathing slow and even come to a stop, my vision fading before my eyes even closed. Skuld’s words were lost on me as the land shifted from sun-bathed grass to fire-baked brimstone, my eyes opening to the true and horrific spectacle that was Hell. I sat up as calmly as I could because the fire didn’t hurt, but I could sense that I was out of place. It was made clear to me by some succubi that decided to land as I got to my feet, four of them circling me as if sizing up my cock for a strut. It was awfully dehumanizing, which I admitted to myself was probably because I was in fucking Hell.

“Well, well, well, look what we have here girls~” The leader of the pack said huskily. Her ivory hair and ebony skin were both alluring to say the least, but her slitted, horizontal pupils disturbed me. Her build was definitely top heavy, but her hips and thighs were nothing to scoff at either.

A slender, dark pink minx of a Demoness giggled and garnered my attention. Her short hair and small stature lent her the look of someone around marrying age back in Avalesce. “He looks like a halfie! When’s the last time you even heard of a halfie!?”

I felt the tallest of the pack, the absolute giantess of a woman with endowments to match, pluck a feather from my wing, so I whapped her in the quim with it quickly. Her bronze skin was interesting, and her golden smile was friendly, but I had a funny feeling that she was into the wrong kind of ‘rough’. “Got a souvenir! I can’t wait to show this off in Whoring Galore One-Oh-One!”

The fourth had remained silent and continued to remain silent as I glared at each of the Succubi in turn for calling me things and walking around me in an annoying fashion. I decided to poke the top-heavy ebony-skinned one with a knuckle. “Oi. Why are you lot ogling me? Aintcha never seen a Penismun?”

The short one giggled some more and gave me a sickening smile. “Oh, don’t be a party pooper! We’re just checkin’ ya out for a… Class assignment! Yeah, that!”

“I’m an adult.”

The one I’d poked returned the favour. “Got any friends, Cutie?”

“Just four sexy ladies who like to walk around angelically handsome Demons.” I winked at her.

They all scoffed and my feelings almost got hurt. I say almost when they actually did take a bruise since it was four young women taking the shot, but I picked my pride up nonetheless when the tall one spoke. “Right. You’re cute at best, guy.”

I looked at my claws and up to her since they’d stopped walking around me and had decided to stand in front of me. “Well, do the claws help or hurt?”

“They look pretty cool…” The murky green, mostly quiet one said. I could easily see her filling the roll of a slutty Scribe of some sort, if there even was a Scribe with a sex drive. Her bust was modest and her hips were the same, but she seemed to have a nice enough rear on her.

“See? At least I’ve got a little something going for me, right?” I smirked.

“Yeah, for a Freelancer. What do you usually have to do around this Quadrant?” The Bronze one asked.

I raised a brow and prepared myself. “I get away with doing a whole lot of nothing, to be honest with you. I don’t know how; probably gonna get tortured for it at some point, but for the time being life-death-unlife-redeath isn’t too shitty.”

“Lucky! She gasped. “You must have gotten left off of the schedule!”

I looked her dead in the eye and said, “I have literally never heard of that happening.”

The precious metal marvel winked at me. “Just checkin’. We heard that there was a new arrival somewhere around here and we figured we’d see if we could whore some sextra credit before the new dude lost their soul. Thought you might be him since you don’t really look that Demonic, y’know?”

I tried igniting my hands with fire and it worked. “Alright, so I can do that.”

“Damn. Coulda just asked you for some Magic. Tch.” She shrugged. “So…”

“Maybe we could entice you…?” The ebony one continued.

I shook my head. “Sadly I’ve got an old memory that makes the soldier ache. You lot are quite the eyeful, however. Good luck with your sextra credit or whatever. I guess.” I furrowed my brow and shook my head.

The pink one crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me. “Wait a minute… Ah, nevermind!:” She gave me a smile.

I raised a brow. “See something you wanted to?”

“Just checking your eyes. I thought they were round for a second.”

I tilted my head at her and was old as shit for a solid fifteen seconds before it clicked. “You mean the fucking pupil. I forgot that was even a thing.”

“Wait, when’s the last time you tortured a Human?” Bronzey asked.

I widened my eyes and rolled them off into space, puffing out my cheeks. “... Fuck, I honestly I can’t fuckin’ tell ya. It just runs together when your partner stops trying to come up with new stuff too.”

“Ahhh,” The girls collectively sighed.

“So you’re how old, Mr. Halfie?” Ebony asked.

“A little over a thousand years, a couple months overdue on my hibernation cycle. I’m sure I can go a few years until I find somewhere good enough.” I shrugged casually with a bit of swagger.

I got a bunch of dumb looks for that, but the quiet green one eventually said, “... You probably don’t have to work because it’s time for you to get out of the field, Mister. You’re pretty old for a Half-Breed.”

I scoffed and waved a claw at her. “Eh, you’re only as old as you feel and I just feel a little tired. When I was barely out of my fifth century, I was tired all the time!”

“At least you still look good for being a Grandpa. Did you ever settle down?” Hot Pink asked.

“Never saw a point in it when… Well, to be honest, I gave it some thought, but I’d rather just find a fight and die against someone more interesting than me.”

They all nodded their assent, though it was Bronze who said, “Good. No offense, but Halfie Magic’s funky when you guys breed.”:

“Magic’s funky as it is.” I grumbled irritably.

“Oh…” Greenie murmured, her voice trailing off.

“Sorry to bother you, Mister. Try to find your fight soon, okay?” Bronze saluted me first, but Ebony gave me a kiss on the cheek and patted my shoulder before the rest of the girls made any move to take off.

After a moment to wonder what the fuck I’d just managed to bluff myself out of and how I’d just managed to get a fucking workable story out of it. I literally gave myself an excuse to hide for millions upon millions upon millions of years to atone for Max’s sins alone, and with Kauku’s added on, I was looking at becoming one of the oldest being in creation myself unless I could somehow manage to make the best of my shittiful, shittacious shituation. I took in my circumstances and decided to do what I generally did best as of late:

Act like I was senile.

I started flying around using my wings, struggling through the heavy air currents in fucking Hell before I started using Magic to give myself an easier time. I didn’t reduce the heat since it felt right in a way, but I did certainly give myself some time to acclimate to the new… Climate. Fuck. Whatever. As I was saying, I flew high into the skies of Hell where there were various other Demons in all shapes and sizes flitting about as they pleased. Bulbous snakes with bee wings, Centaurs with Dragon Wings, and cats with bat wings were most prominent in the skies, often attacking passersby, so I avoided them as I could and killed them when I couldn't though I didn’t dare try to take on one of the Centaurs. With wings considerably larger than mine and far more experience with them, I didn’t doubt that they could catch up to whatever lead I had on them in no time. It also didn’t hurt that they seemed to be like the police of the place and often whacked the flying cats for bothering ‘people’.

From far above Hell’s lake of fire and islands of brimstone, I could see dots rocketing up into the sky, lancing arrows of light breaking through the inky blackness above and burning bright like an exploding star before fizzling out. One would only be followed by three more, and each of those three would have three behind them, and so the pattern continued in bursts until the sky was nearly lit up for but a few seconds, showing a simple message:

You Deserve This.

In a way, I found that to be quite untrue. I figured most people felt the same way, but Kauku had literally told me that she was placing an unfathomable amount of sin on my soul as my punishment for not bending to her will, and that just wasn’t fair. I’d done nothing to the people she’d hurt, let alone the people Max had crossed in his long, long life. It was nothing short of infuriating to know that I was probably going to lose all sense of who I was by the time my sentence in Hell was up and I would well and truly be senile. There wasn’t even a guarantee that I’d come back, but all of my plans… They weren’t worth losing Maud or Aria over. I only knew that Maud was supposed to be my heart, so I could only hope that Aria had been my mind and not someone like Frieda, who I would’ve happily sacrificed in my or Maud’s stead, as callous as that seems. I still would have fought to keep her alive, just not as hard.

When I looked down from the depressing sight, I saw the flames of Hell flicker, so I flew down to swoop through the lake of fire so I could give them a pummeling. I figured it wouldn’t hurt, and I was proven wrong when I dove in face first. It really hurt, but not because it was fucking hot. It was because there were bazillions of sinners just burning away beneath the surface, which is probably why the Centaur that pulled my dumb arse out by the leg was laughing when he did it. He tossed me into the air pretty casually and I caught myself, hovering above the flames while my savior stopped by to say hi.

“Ha! Ain’t seen a’ fella jump inta the lake in a’ looong time! You waitin’ on hibernation, pal?”

I rubbed my head and wondered how we were about to continue this conversation over the screams of the damned until I stopped caring about logic. I mean, I was in Hell. “Yeah, pretty much. I just thought the fire looked cozy.”

He pointed off in the distance to a bright red sign that blew my mind. It had a blue ring around a symbol of flames that seemed as though someone had made a mockery of flame itself. “Hit th’ flame pits iffin’ you’re tryin’ for a quick nap, awwrigh’?”

“Some young Succubi told me that I should look into a place to retire. Know of anywhere I can hole up?”

“... You a Halfie, righ’?”

“Eeyuss.”

The hideous being probably gave me a look of some kind. “The place you’re lookin’ for is a couple circles up, fella. You’re in the Murder Hole.”

I looked up then looked at him. “... I think I’ve been here too long.”

“Whatcha mean, old timer?”

“I forgot there were seven circles.”

“Nine, ya mean.”

“... What are the top two?”

“Limbo and Lust.”

“... This is bullshit! I’ve been workin’ seven floors my whole career and I never got either of the easy ones!?”

The guy raised his hands. “Hey now, jus’ pick someone up from the lake if you’re mad about it. I gotta step in if it’s Demon on Demon.”

I crossed my arms and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “... Torturing people isn’t even fun anymore. Do you think I could get up to Limbo?”

“Tch, good luck. I been here a hundred years workin’ th’ lake, ever since my fiftieth. Iffin’ you’re ready for retirement and ya’ve only worked seven floors, I doubt ya got a chance.”

“Then is there a quick way to Lust?”

“Yeah, just follow the Blue Ice Path back up the spiral. It’s jus’ round this here mountain, so iffin’ ya fly quick as y’all old folks can-”

“Heya, whippersnapper.” I pointed a claw at him.

His tongue-thing flicked out of his mouth as his voice took on an amused tone. “I know y’all Halfies are special, but ya know us Centaurs are the fastest of the Humanoids.”

“Race me to the Blue Ice Path?” I asked, gesturing toward the mountain he’d indicated.

“Naw, wish I could though. Love ta whoop ya before ya lose all that moxie.”

“I took on bigger than you before I got hit with Demon blood-”

“Wait, you were turned?”

“Yeah, first time I died I got turned into a Demon and walked the world as a living-dead
thing. When I got tired of it, I came back to Hell and picked up where I should’ve started.”

“Wow… Ya live an interesting life, ya sure do. Die in peace, old man.”

“I ain’t dyin’ yet, dumbarse.” I waved a claw at him and started flying off. “Torture hard and keep ‘em in the pit!”

“Take ‘er easy, pal!”

Without turning back, I flew over the pond of fire that on the large island the Centaur hang flung me near and decided to get some altitude over circling the mountain. Getting higher was a breeze with the way the currents were blowing, and it felt rather good to be in the air, even if I was dead. Not even technically, my body had ingested cyanide, nightshade, and wolfsbane for a snack: I wasn’t coming back unless someone brought me back or I was meant to. With that being said, I didn’t let it get me down as I started rounding the mountain.

The Blue Ice path was crystal clear to the naked eye, or rather, spotting it was easy since it was pretty much the only blue thing in site. I’d almost landed on it before I took a closer look and saw that the path was laden with what appeared to be blue glass and odd tubes that seemed rather unpleasant to walk on. I decided to not and fly over it instead, sweeping past all sorts of people that were begging for relief on their trek down the long path from the higher floor. Many signs dotted the path, such as ‘I didn’t mean to kill him’ or ‘It was only supposed to be one hit’, though my personal favourite was, ‘I didn’t know I couldn’t stop!’. I figured it was all related to some sort of addiction and casually wandered my way up to the floor named ‘Heresy’.

While I flew around and looked at all of the people being flagellated on all of the different floors of the structure, I wondered what maniacal mind had set itself to sectioning out so much of Hell for the purpose of whipping people. It seemed like a very elaborate set up for such a simple act, though I suppose that there had to be some Demons with more tact than to just toss people in a lake of fire, but it wasn’t really my problem or concern in the first place, so I put it in the back of my mind. Keep in mind that Hell was pretty deafening at all time, but hearing people only cry out or moan in between whipping and whatnot was better than the constant screams of the eternally burning.

For all of my site seeing, I couldn’t find the rest of the Blue Ice Path, so I tried flying around and looking for a free Demon to bother for a moment. Sadly, there were none to be found, so I just landed on the ground and had a look around. There were plenty of things to see in the cubby-hole-like caves, such as people getting railed in the arse by long-cocked monsters, other people just getting whipped, and a few more getting beaten while trying to hide in a corner. The things people got beat with ranged from sticks and switches to belts and paddles to flails and morning stars. There were all manner of instruments being used to make people suffer, and I even got to step into an empty cove and have a seat for a little bit until a Demon stopped by with a new person to torture. Both the Demon and the person were naked, but the Demon was evidently supposed to resemble a little girl and the man she ‘escorted’ was wearing a collar of some sort. It was black and white, so I imagined that he was a Seeker of some sort, so I waved at my kin and addressed the little demon.

“Heya, would you happen-”

“No, I wouldn’t! This is my spot, Mister!” The little Demon huffed.

I nodded. “Yes it is, and I’ll leave in a moment if you’ll just tell me where to go.”

She glared at me and shoved her prisoner onto a table roughly before hopping up on it. “Look, guy, I don’t really wanna mince words, so I’ll give you some advice: If you wanna go up, fly. If you wanna go down, take the needles and the ice and you’ll have a straight shot down to the Pit. If you’re looking to die, then find your own hole!”

“Alright then. Fuck off and have a horrible torture session.” I gave her a wink.

She blushed and started mumbling to herself, which I found odd enough to be worthy of leaving over. I took her advice and started just flying up, but even as I flew higher and higher, I started to wonder if the passage of time just slowed and sped up whenever it felt like since I’d been flying for what seemed to be hours. To explain, it felt as though days were flying by as I fucked around in Hell, but I just never got more tired than I was. Never really got scared. Never really felt the compunction to do anything other than get to the highest floor that I could so I could hide and sleep forever and ever and ever…

As I continued to ascend, my own personal Hell started over and over, so I looked for another free Demon and found one smoking a tubular white thing with an orange end while blowing the smoke directly into its victim’s face. It wasn’t technically free, but it was doing something easy to work with, so I flew over to it and struck up a quick conversation about how to get to the next floor. The Demon assured me that I just had to keep going up, so I thanked it and kept going up. It was quite the long and arduous flight, or rather, it would’ve been if I could’ve felt the strain of the flight.

After I’d talked to a few more interesting characters, I decided to expend some Magic and break the sound barrier by shooting myself through an Air Gun for shits and giggles, but that nearly ended with me splattering myself into the bottom of Wrath and Sullenness. It took some doing and by that I do mean that it took what felt like eons to find a staircase to the next floor that didn’t have water sluicing down its steps with whatever spare body parts might happen to fancy a trip. The dryest stairwell by far seemed like my best bet, and lo’ and behold, it was actually pretty fun to walk through the river that had been the cause of the shittiness of the other steps. The staircase I had chosen was encased in some sort of clear material that had veins running through it, allowing me to see people pressed up against it in every shape and size, though they all looked like they were making the most of drowning.

The raging river ran on as I walked up the stairs, not really taking into account just how deep the damn river that I was climbing through was. By the time I realized that people were started to get less packed together, I was already able to see the top of the staircase. As with my flight,. I had no idea how long it took me to climb the stairs since it just took forever to climb them, and without a way of telling time, nothing seemed to make sense. An hour could have been a year for all I knew, and my growing apathy only made it harder to remember what I was doing in the first place. The longer I walked, the more I forgot until I appear on the bank of the river and had it all come back to me in bits and pieces as I searched for someone to lead me higher in Hell.

It took me a good while to find a stony, jagged looking fellow who was casually shoving people back into the river whenever they tried to crawl out of it, though when he spotted me, he just waved and came over. “Oi, gov’nah! Wotcha wanne taker, nah?”

I had no idea what in the bloody fuck he’d just said to me. “I beg your pardon?”

The Demon stopped closeby. “Arentcha here ta send me off?”

“Actually, I’m looking for a place to hibernate for awhile. I’m a few years overdue.”

“Ah, ainna shame that is. Bruvva thoughtcha gonne let ‘im wank for awhile.”

“I’d love to help you, but I think I might be dying.”

“Ooo, that’s rougher than a long shift, sure ‘nough. Whatcha wanne lookin’ fer inna hidey hole?”

“I’m just looking for something that will keep me safe until I wake up if that’s even an option. I thought I’d have better luck on a higher level.”

“Aye, truer words ye’ve yet to speak. Blue Ice Path picks up from the waterfall iffin’ ya wanne head up to Lust and try ta get ta Limbo.”

“I think I’ll try that. Would you happen to know which direction the river is flowing?” I asked politely.

‘He’ nodded. “Yer gonne wanne taker up this side. You’ll see the signs soon enough if ya manage ta get outta yer own little Purgatory.”

“Who knew that catching a nap would be so hard?” I sighed.

“Cheer up. At least ya ain’t one a’ the things in the river. Or summin’ lower.”

“Fair point. Have a good rest of your shift, friend.”

“Take ‘er easy, old timer.”

I waved him off and took off in the direction he’d nodded, assuming that I was supposed to go that way instead of the alternative. After walking for a bit, I decided to fly and actually sighted the path long in the distance. It was a little disheartening that I’d forgotten to ask how many more floors I still needed to. However, as soon as I thought of the next floor, I knew it to be Avarice and Prodigality for no apparent reason. I was looking forward to that floor since it meant that I was going to be extra fine and I even wondered if I could pick up a job there since I wasn’t doing anything else with my time other than sleeping. I tended to not like the greedy, and the suspense of figuring out what their punishments were was killing me, so I made steady progress to the next floor as fast as I could so I could see more than just one big ass river and some people drowning for once people getting tortured in stone chambers. Or people burning in a lake of fire. There were honestly a lot of different ways for people to get fucked up in Hell, which wasn’t surprising per se, so much as intimidating. One wrong move and a certain senile old Halfie would have an awfully bad time in Hell instead of the pleasant meandering that he’d been doing to date.

Once the Blue Ice Path became closer and closer, I allowed myself to speed up even further by clearing the air ahead of me and shooting forth through the vacuum since I apparently didn’t need to breathe either. The trip along the path flew by as I entered the next realm, shifting through a white wall to enter a room full of people with hooks, spikes, and other barbed instruments for which I have no name piercing their skin as they all reached for what I assumed they desired most. Gold bars were present, as well as mounds of food, water, wine, and plants. Some had ‘needles’ and strange combinations of substances that I didn’t know the names of, though I saw plenty of Helix Root addicts among the crows and massives taproots as their prizes.

Most post the people were trying with far too many hopes of reaching their goal, making their punishments dig deeper into their skin and rip at it further. Some succeeded in getting free and consumed as much of their prize as they could before a nearby Demon let them heal and skewered them all over again to let them try and get back to their addictions. It was pretty brutal, and the land was rather flat all the way around, so I got to stop soon and ask a Demon for directions. As you might have noticed, Demons aren’t actually all that bad when you’re one of them, and it wasn’t even terribly difficult to make friends as long as you were willing to be polite. The Demon I stopped to talk to this time offered me a pack of ‘smokes’ and a flask of liquor as long as I promised to watch his torturee for a few minutes while he went to go take a leak on someone’s ‘heroine’ or something like that. I agreed, and that’s how I learned that tobacco tastes good, but feels really bad when you’re not used to it. I only smoked two ‘smokes’, but I drank a few sips out of the flask in the few hours it took for the Demon guy to come back. I’d had to skewer his prisoner during the little break, and that actually wasn’t half bad. Just a little bit of aggressive poking was all.

When the Demon came back, he told me that I’d pierced too deeply into the prisoner's skin and that he was going to be bored for a dozen years while waiting for the Human to rip itself free and go get it’s prize. I was all for watching and waiting with him, which is how I ended up smoking my first cigar. We sat and blew through it relatively quickly since my new friend was a big fellow, but he also had a never-ending supply of whatever he wantedc since he could just dig the barbs a little deeper into the Human and walk off to go get whatever he wanted. He tried to convince me to try Helix Root and the heroine he mentioned earlier, but I told him that my vice was being generous and he understood it since he liked to give things away toio. Oddly enough, he liked giving stolen things away, which I definitely appreciated due to my own shady history.

After his prisoner freed itself again, we let it consume as much of the powdery substance as it liked before Grognar stuck it with the skewers all over again and watched some more while the damned thing struggled to get another dose of its escape. I ended up leaving with a pack of ‘menthols’, a can of ‘dip’, a can of ‘beer’ that tasted like piss, a lighter, and a bracelet that turned into a ‘bowl’ so I could smoke the herbs he gave me whenever I wanted. I ended up swooping down after we said our goodbyes to get a backpack, a purse, and a satchel so I could fill them all with goodies before taking off again. I ended up grabbing a lot of weed, a little bit more alcohol, and some stuff that a Demon convinced me to grab called ‘Devil’s Ear’, which was a drug that made Demons hear what the main two Devils were talking about.

When I reached the edge of Avarice, I decided to smoke a little Devil’s Ear to see what all the hype was about and to get a glimpse of why so many Demons were laughing whenever they smoked it. I packed my bracelet bowl and lit it with some of my own fire, the smoke feeling like I was having another Satyr crammed down my throat as I inhaled. That is to say, it felt like I had to swallow the smoke, but when I did, the results were fun.

“What do you mean there’s no more tea!?” A female Avalesch voice shouted in my ear. “We bloody stock up on tea for bloody eons and you’re telling me that there’s none!?”

“I-I’m sorry Miss Satan-” A gruff Demon squeaked.

“Don’t be sorry! I want my bloody flaming tea!!!”

“Yes ma’am, right away ma’am.” I heard him scurry off.

There was a light, cushioned impact that I assumed was Ms. Satan falling into a chair as she muttered and mumbled to herself about tea, to which I commented, “Woman sure does love her tea.”

“What the- Bloody Urgh!!! How many times do I have to tell you fucks to stop smoking Devil’s Ear!?!?”

“Once more oughtta do the trick, I believe. I’ve only done it this one time.”

“Well stop!”

“Yes ma’am, Miss Satan. I’ll be sure to stop eavesdropping on you as soon as you give me a good place to take a nap.”

“Hibernation coming up?”

“Eeyup.”

“What floor are you on?”

“Avarice, ma’am.”

“Hmm… Respectful, I like that. Head on up to Lust and I’ll send an aspect to meet you there. You sound cute.”

“I’m an old Halfie.”

“Cute and rare. Momma likey~”

“How old are you again?”

“Age is just a number~ I’ll see you on Lust, big boy.”

“See you soon, cougar.”

“Meeeoww~”

With the disturbing mental image of an uglier Dissida with a tea addiction riding my meat in my mind, I decided to take my time in climbing the Blue Ice Path up from Avarice to Gluttony, though I wondered if my recent acquisitions in the field of drugs and paraphernalia was going to make life suck for me. I figured that it wouldn’t and continued flying up the path for as long as I felt like it because what else was I going to do? After clearing Gluttony, I would be on Lust and I would also be in the hands of Miss Satan herself without any tea on me. Before I could fly all the way up the Blue Ice Path, I turned tail at supersonic speeds and went back for some Jazzmina Lily Pearl tea that smelled divine. Once I had my gift, I shot back away from Avarice and arrived in Gluttony in record time, a giant scoreboard signaling my ascent with a record time of seven years and nine months, which was weird since it hadn’t felt anywhere near that long. I chalked it up to Hell being Hell and looked around when I got to Gluttony, the sheer size of everything within making me a little uncomfortable.

There were people and aliens present who were all too large to move on their own, and there were even more Demons that were twice their size, just rolling them around on the open ground where there was glass, nails, and assorted other sharp things for them to be slopped on while some tried to get up and other just laid there and took it. With the feeling of being the thinnest person in a place the size of its own country, I was feeling like flying more than walking, just in case I got crushed by one of the Jelly Giants while they were rolling around. After getting up into the air, I looked around for a sign of some sort and had to go back down and land on a giant Demon’s shoulder to grab some quick directions. I ended up giving him a large nug of weed as a thank you and let him smoke it with my bowl, after which I took my happy arse over to the nearest bigger Demon and had him point the Blue Ice Path out to me far out in the distance. It was going to be another long flight for me, but it’s not like I was tired or anything, thus making the statement neither here nor there. I honestly just wanted to hurry up and meet Ms. Satan so I could see what the ruler of Hell was like in person.

It took me a good amount of time to get over to the path again, but there were definitely worse ways to travel in my eyes. For instance, I could have had to walk the journey instead of flying really fast, and I could have had to do it sober on top of all that. As it was, the Blue Ice Path was still pretty far from where I’d started, and it was hard to get my bearings since there were few landmarks to keep me going in the right directions. Still, I managed to fly over a bunch of lardarses as they larded all over the place, their lard leaking from them in goop and globs as they were sliced open, stiched up, and force-fed to keep them fat and rollable. Once I got to the path and saw people walking and crawling down, I flew on past them without a care in the world until I got into the pink and purple nightmare that was Lust itself.

Now, the rest of the floors had all been interesting in their own right, but they’d all been rather plain save for the torture going on. Sadly, in lust, there was a lot of creative torture going on, and much of that torture was sexual in nature. I saw a lot of tiny Humans (Not Children, just shrunken adults) getting reamed out by giant-dicked Demons, a few of them were being broken to death with sex, and a few m0ore were being suffocated and inflated, but I really wasn’t worried about joining any of them since Lust was never my sin. Wrath, perhaps, but not Lust. Anyway, I decided to fly around and ask if anyone had seen Ms. Satan lately, and I got pointed into all different kinds of awkward scenarios, like this one where a female Demon kept biting off this one fellow's rod with her quim. It was awfully off-putting, but I needed directions and she seemed to have them.

The Demoness told me to head toward the center of Lust if I wanted to meet the Queen of Hell, and she told me to head to the outskirts if I was looking for a long nap or something since it was evidently getting obvious that I was looking for a place to hibernate. I struck her up on a deal to just go and sleep for a little bit after smoking a bit more of the Devil’s Ear to get Ms. Satan’s attention. Once I had her ear, she told me that I was to avoid sleeping at all costs for the next five minutes, and before I could even finish blinking, I was standing in front of a woman whose beauty… I mean…

It was like getting an erection at the Queen of Hell is what it was like. Never before had I faced such a ruthless, uncaring individual who sought nothing more than her own pleasure and gain. Never before had I ever laid eyes on a woman so demonically beautiful that I worried for my marriage just from the sight of her. I’[d been infatuated with Kauku because of her sheer beauty and little else, but even while I recognized that the new face was her rival in many evil ways, I couldn’t help but feel fear for myself while I was in front of her. The aura she exuded was nearly impossible to cast aside, and the feeling of being caught red-handed made me want to empty my non-full bowels and just run as far and as fast as I could. Hell, I’d even forgotten to keep myself in the air when I came before the Queen of Hell, which made her let loose a sadistic laugh that was like a funeral dirge to my ears. It felt like the last song I would ever hear until the pressure of the Queen’s presence eased and allowed me to breathe more easily.

“Oh, I love it when we fliers get grounded by a particularly strong aura! It’s always fun to see you guys hit the f;oor!” The Queen giggled, smiling at me amusedly.

I got back to my feet and flipped her off out of reflex. When I saw her raised brow, I put my hand down and said, “You did that on purpose.”

“Yes, and?”

“Aren’t you a Demon?”

“Like a rectangular square, I suppose.”

“Sure, okay. What did you want to meet me for?”

“Well, Halfie cock is usually pretty good for the size, and I don’t feel like starting a long term relationship. You’re probably about to die soon, so I can just meet n’ fuck you and we can go our separate ways. How’s that sound?”:

“Sounds like fucking the Queen of Hell comes with pitfalls aplenty.”

She gave me a sick smile. “They don’t matter too much to me, so why should they matter to you?”

“Because I don’t want to sleep with you in the first place, and in the second, more private place, I don’t stick my rod into people that scare me.”

“Oh, I’m not scary~ I haven’t tortured a soul since before you tricked Dissida!” Her smile turned more impish than teasing, and it was a cute smile. Cute like a skunk.

“How would you know-”

“Oh, I just love Dissy! She’s such a treat whenever you want to go skull-bowling or cherry-picking. Really now, you should just marry her and go to her realm, Garrison.” The Queen of Hell advised me.

“... Sure, I can do that. She’d probably be happy to hear the news.”

She looked surprised. “Wait, are you seriously Kaid Cosantoir?”

“No, why?”

“Oh, I thought you were being serious for a moment. If you were, you were about to have to go down to the pit, though you’d still be there if you actually were that poor bastard.” She clicked her tongue, hung her head, and shook it for a few seconds. “That guy’s slated to be here until after I pass the throne along to my successor. Kauku’s really boning that guy for no good reason.”

“What did he even do to piss Kauku of all people off?”

“He was supposed to be a Chosen, but apparently he killed himself to avoid killing his wife or his soulmate.”

I blinked. “He didn’t marry his soulmate?”

“No, but it was a very near miss, from what I’ve heard through my digging. Apparently before that assjack Max took him from Terra, he was just about to meet his sweetheart and get his happily ever after going. It’s really a sad story among sad stories, and you know how many there are down here.”

My heart cracked a little as I wondered about my life and what it could have been. Who it dcould have been with. What I could hyave had. I could’ve had so much and been set for the rest of my life with my savings, but nooo, Max just had to fuck me over-

Ω Sorry, Mate… Ω

✮ That’s kinda… Inadequate. ✮

Ω Yeah, well, it’s the best I’ve got at the moment. Ω

Fine. While I soaked in a bit of misery for a moment, I shrugged and said, “Everyone’s got their heartache and heartbreak. Guy’s apparently got it rough, but if you’re thinking I’m him, then apparently he’s getting off pretty easy.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Even if he’s not being tortured in Hell, he still has to live here almost as long as I have. The guy’s got billions upon trillions of years to deal with Kauku’s bullshit and I doubt that it’s going to get any easier anytime soon.” She shrugged herself. “I’d rather keep him as my own personal pet for awhile, but it is what it is.”

“If I wasn’t trying to hibernate, I’d offer to be your pet for a year or two, just to see what you’d do with me.”

“Oh, you don’t have to offer, I can just make you my pet. It would keep you alive a lot longer.”

“... I’m none to keen on dying. What’s in it for me other than staying alive?”

“Well, you get to have sex with me whenever I want, you get to kiss my toes, and you can even use my lap as a pillow while I use your head as a saucer for my tea. How does that sound?”

“It actually sounds like you plan on using me more as a tool than as a pet.”

“And what a tool you’ll be! It’s decided! What’s your name, new pet?”

“Um… I haven’t been asked my name in a very long time.”

“Does that mean I can call you Alistair?”

“Sure, I guess.”

She clapped her hands and patted her lap. “Good boy! Come now, and give me some of that tea you brought with you. I can already smell it from here~”

I raised a brow and unshouldered my purse full of weed and tea. “You can technically use all of that to make tea.”

“Good boy! Now comer give Momma Satan kisses!”

I gave her a look as I walked over. “Do you want me to lick you or something?”

As I came closer ,I could see that many of her teeth were pointed. “However you’d like to kiss me is how I’ll treat you~”

I decided to stay true to my wife, whose name I’d forgotten dozens of years ago as I smooched Satan’s cheek over and over again, making her giggle as I relentlessly peppered her face in little kisses until she pushed me away. From there, she grew into a veritable giant, picked my up, and sat me on her shoulder as she got up from her seat and wandered away from the center of Lust. I wondered what I’d just gotten myself into as I held onto one of Ms. Satan’s horns for dear life since she had very feminine shoulders that sloped downward She eventually just let me ride on the top of her head as we walked around, and when she spread her wings to fly, it was far more fun that when I did it. I’d never been a passenger while flying and I had to say that the experience was worth going to Hell for as long as you didn’t get tortured along the way for the trip.

Sadly as the flight grew long, I fell asleep on Satan’s head since I was sitting down for the first time in forever, and what a glorious nap it was. Even as I flitted in and out of consciousness, I saw that the palace we were heading toward was big and black, though that was about it. Other than that, I was just about out cold when we arrived, and Ms. Satan was kind enough to wake me up by dropping me into her cleavage, which was a fun place to be. I kicked back and tried not to hurt or scratch her as we entered the the abysmally black structure, but when we came inside, there were no real telltale signs of us being in Hell.

Honestly the decor was tasteful in muted shades of grey and a few blues and purples, but there wasn’t much else going on color-wise from what I could see in the structure. As far as the decorations, there were plenty of pictures of Satans past that had left their mark on the scene in their own right while their were also impressive, very lifelike busts of each of them. The artistry and craftsmanship in both pieces was fantastic for each King or Queen of Hell, and the current Queen was all too happy to mention how hers was going to be the best yet since you could make tea with it. I didn’t see how that would make it better, but I wasn’t terribly worried about it.

When we got to the place that the Queen evidently wanted to go, she graciously woke me all the way up by throwing me at her throne at a speed so ridiculous, I barely managed to spread my wings or slow down. Both happened, but both resulted in me still hitting the throne rather hard for my tastes. Just as soon as the adrenaline had woken me up, a big stone chair had knocked me right back out, and there was little I could do about it.

Author's Note

Uploaded from my phone because I still haven't got enough money to get a new/repair my old laptop. Bad luck and bad timing have put my finances on a freeze for the time being, and my current work s hedule doesn't give me any time to write anyway.

sighs in swahili

As always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Thirty-Four: Stiff As A Board

Chapter Thirty-Four: Stiff As A Board

✧❖☬❖✧

“Wakey, wakey, pet. It’s time for you to entertain me~” The Queen of Hell sang from above my prone form.

I groaned and sat up, looking up at the giantess after wiping some blood from my eyes. “Ugh… Why did you throw me?”

“It seemed like fun and it kind of was.”

“Ah.”

“Ah indeed. Now, Alistair, what are you going to do to make time pass?”

I looked up at the giant woman and squinted. “... Wanna watch me make tea?”

“Oh, I would love a cuppa! Good idea!”

“Glad to hear that you approve. Pick a flavour and I’ll make it for you.”

Queen Satan shrank down to my size and joined me on the arm of her throne. “Why, Mr. Alistair! If I chose the tea, then I would miss out on having such a cute Halfie choose for me~ You wouldn’t want me to miss out, would you?”

“That depends on what you’re missing out on. I don’t think it’s that much, but I will choose if you’d like.”

“Of course you will! Did you think you had a choice?” Her smile was stiffening to say the least, but the cruelty behind it tempered the sight by a good margin.

“Of course I have a choice. Either play your game and suffer humiliation in varying degrees or disobey you and not enjoy the consequences. There’s always a choice.”

“Wise, aren’t we?”

“Well, I’m old as shit and ready to die for good, so…”

She gave me a smaller, more genuine smile. “You know that you have a good long time before you’re allowed to move on, right?”

I took her pity for what it was and tried not to be mad that she was giving it to me. “However long you decide to keep me alive doesn’t matter. I’ve lived through plenty of things, and serving a beautiful Queen her tea is one of the more pleasant experiences I’d be willing to go through.”

“Aww, how sweet! Next you’ll tell me that I’m an absolute Sexual Empress and that your love for me runs deep, no?”

I gave her the oddest look I could fathom making because she’d said something weird. “I neither love you nor believe that you leave enough people alive after you have sex with them to build an empire of any kind with the survivors.”

She blinked. “... Oh.”

I nodded. “Where can we go to make tea?”

“We’ll address that in a few moments. Did you just say that you didn't want to lay me?”

My head tilted to the side and tried to pool whatever amount of Female Logic I had in my brain together so I could try to understand why she cared. “I would if you asked. I just have a wife.”

“Is she dead or alive?”

“She lives.”

“Then she’s not here, is she?”

“No, but-”

“What happens in Hell stays in Hell~”

“What happens to my cock is transmitted directly to my wife.”

“Ah, so your wife…” Satan trailed off.

“What about her?”

“What’s her name?”

I stared at her. “Does she have to have a name?”

“Most people do, Alistair.”

“Why?”

She gave me a triumphant look. “You don’t even remember your wife’s name, so she’s obviously not that important to you. She’s probably forgotten all about you while she’s been in Heaven-”

“So she’s waiting for me in Heaven. Thanks, Satan.”

The Queen’s expression turned dark and she glared at me. “Now you’re testing my patience.”

“I’m not really sorry, but I will apologize.”

Her eyes went from a pale, pure white to an inky black in the span of three seconds; long enough for her to take a deep breath and slap me from five feet away. “Mouthy slaves don’t stay untortured long.”

I rubbed my cheek and blinked at her. “I thought I was a pet? Mouthy pets are amusing.”

“... Hmm… That is true. I suppose I can just beat you from time to time to see if I can cull that tongue of yours.”

“My tongue is perfectly culled, thank you very much. It’s just that I have a habit of annoying beautiful women until they love me.”

“Mhmm. I suggest you start finding me less attractive if you’re not going to put out.”

“What happens if I follow the plan of celibacy?”

“I make you a eunuch for the rest of your time in Hell.”

“That seems a little unfair.”

“I’m Satan.”

“You have the option of being nicer than that.”

“I’m Satan.”

“You punish sinners. My sins have already been accounted for by now, which is why I’m ready to die.”

“I’ll punish whomsoever I please, thank you very much.” Queen Satan huffed.

“Can you punish me by not having sex with me? Fucking the Devil herself is more of an accolade than being punished by her.”

She gave me a flat look. “Take your pants off.”

I looked at my trousers. “I don’t even know if I’m wearing pants.”

“Trousers, you fool.”

I shed my trousers without another word and swung my hips from side to side, smacking myself on either leg with my tip. “Does this work?”

She made a face of approval. “Bigger than average, but not too thick. I always have been more of a length kind of woman.”

“Glad to know that my sausage suits your fancy.”

“Good. Now stroke it until I tell you to stop.”

I looked at my cock. Then I held my claws up and looked at those. Looking back to my cock, I said, “Can I ask for a raincheck?”

“No.”

With a shrug, I used my middle and index claws to touch myself as carefully as I could with thje Queen of Hell watching on in mild interest. “... So…”

“How does it feel?”

“Like an eagle is intimidating me in the most effective way possible.”

“Good. Put your pants back on and follow me.” She turned around and waited for me to replace my trousers, so I did that and walked up behind her, stopping just out of reach. Satan looked behind her and frowned, backing up until her bottom bumped my package. “Better.”

I stepped back, which made her step back. “... Do you want me to dry hump you or something?”

“When you put it like that it sounds so ugly.” She scoffed.

I rested myself against her and gave her what she wanted, growing stiff against my better judgement. “Is this all?”

Satan turned around and grabbed my wrist, giving me a wink. “For now. You know, you’re really not as smart as you think you are.”

“I know, but how smart do I really think I am is the question. I could be only a little less smart than I think I am, and that could still be plenty of intelligence to go ‘round.”

She leaned in with a smile dancing across her lips, a secret to be shared in but a moment. “I know you’ve lied to me about something.”

My heart froze into a block of ice in my throat. “And that would be…?”

Satan laced her arms around my neck for a second before she stroked my cheek. She circumnavigated me a few times, pinching and poking at places that were both private and public at her leisure. I wasn’t sure of what she could possibly think I was lying about, but then she stopped in front of me with another little grin. I looked at her as calmly as I could, which is to say that I was like an ice cube with the middle unfrozen. The surface of my facade was solid and unshakable, but on the inside I was feeling cold and uncertain, quite sure that my luck had finally run out after spending so long in Hell while not being tortured. Queen Satan knew how to make a mortal sweat, and even beyond that she knew how to make those who tortured for a living fear her. Second in power only to Kauku as far as I knew, it seemed unwise to make a move while she was figuring out a way to make me break without saying a word.

After a few minutes (Or hours) of agonizing silence, Satan finally said, “I think I know who you really are, my little Halfie~ Maybe if you play nice, I won’t tell on you. All you have to do is swear fealty to me and all will be right in the world~”

I stared at her. “I’d rather find out who I really am, thank you.”

“Dammit! I thought I had you there, Garrison.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Like a muster?”

“What?”

“The garrison and the muster.”

“I have- Oh, no you fool. Nevermind.” She sighed, shaking her head. “How old are you, anyway?”

“A little over a thousand years, I believe.”

“Oh, then there’s no way in this place that you could be Garrison. He’s mortal, and he’d probably look to be about seven times your age given how long ago he died.”

“Ah. So what’s with the whole ‘Chosen’ thing?”

“It’s just the line of succession. I’m sure you’ll care less when you meet Kauku. If she ever stops her damn war, that is.”

“Warmongers aren’t exactly my favourite people.”

“What exactly did you do down here?”

“I dunno, torture people? Pee in the lake of fire?”

“Aww fu- Don’t tell me you actually did that!” She groaned.

“Torture people?”

“No! I mean piddle in the lake, you doofus!”

“Wouldn’t you paddle in a lake? For that matter, why aren’t there any boats to sail the lake of fire? I think it would make for a nice vacation, seeing the sights for the less powerful Demons.”

“It’s been discussed, but did you pee in the bloody lake!?”

“If I say yes, am I in trouble?”

“No, it’s just funny.”

“Damn, then I wish I had.”

She cursed and snapped her fingers. “Damn, I was hoping that you had. I get to fuck you if you do.”

“Do you really now?”

“I can’t fuck you any other way unless you give me permission, dummy. Rape is disallowed down here, and it has been since before I was even put in place as Queen of Hell.”

“I kinda forgot. Didn’t someone end up raping Dissida?”

Satan blinked. “... Say again?”

“I heard a rumor of someone with a name similar to the one you said earlier getting raped. I thought you might have done it for some reason.”

She smiled and crept closer to me, as little space as there was between us. “Oh no, now you’re lying~”

“Through my teeth.” I nodded.

There was no time to react as Satan grabbed me by my far-too-long hair and wrenched my head back, her stature allowing her to look down on me since she was a little taller than I, even when I wasn’t leaning backwards. “Gary~”

“Name’s Gauche.” I grunted.

She blinked, her smile falling. “... That’s not a lie… That’s not a lie at all.” Before I knew it, I was unbalanced and her hand had gone from the back of my head to the top. Satans’ knee drove itself into my chest and left me with little in the way of breathing room, though I did learn that I didn't need to breathe from the experience. “... Who are you, Gauche? Who are you really?”

“Just an unlucky or very lucky Halfie with a penchant for pissing women off.” I grunted, feeling a little miserable as the pressure increased.

She held a finger against my cheek and cut me with one of her own claws, though hers were just especially sharp, somewhat long nails that cut through my flesh like a freshly sharpened blade. Once Satan tasted my blood, her eyes became cloudy and she seemed to focus on my face with more intensity for a few more seconds. It seemed as though there were only two people in Hell at the moment; only two people in existence, and it was the King of Dumb-Luck and the Queen of Suffering and Damnation. My dumb, retarded luck seemed to be fizzling out as my captor’s eyes cleared, and my chances of survival seemed fittest before I’d left the pit. There was little that I could do to save myself; the only solace I had left was knowing that my choice had saved at least two lives.

The silence built as Satan dragged her finger down my chest and severed the threads that were holding my dingy, ancient shirt together, her hand resting on my right breast. “... Maud. Maud Pie. You’re married to Maud Pie.”

“... So that’s her name…”

“A follower of Vio…”

“Truth, Lies, and Balance, yes.”

“... Garrison Varas. You nearly eluded your punishment.”

“I thought we established-” She cut my cheek again and collected another smear of blood.

“Hemoglobin doesn’t lie. You’re not even half-Demon.”

“So?”

“You’re only one-quarter Demon, and you were turned. Someone took a microscopic amount of pity on you, and that someone was Kauku.”

“I’m only-”

“Stop playing dumb.” Satan snapped, her white hair flourishing, flashing out into what seemed to be a Denosian afro, but with non-curly hair.

“But I am dumb.”

“You’re also cute and innocent of the sins Kauku’s levying against you. I suggest you learn when to show your face, you poor bastard.”

My heart didn’t give me any indications of how it was feeling, and my gut wasn’t saying anything either. I was just fucked. There was no point in warning me about anything because I was already under Satan’s thumb, and there wasn’t a soul in Hell who cared enough about me to go up against her, which even I didn’t really want to do. I stared up at the Ultimate Warden and she just looked back down to me, more pity in her gaze than I cared to see. We both knew that she wasn’t letting me go any time soon, and we both knew that even if she was allowed to, she wouldn’t sim-ply for the fact that I was a rare specimen. The trophy hunter had herself a significant trophy, but the look on her face told me that she wasn’t proud to have claimed me as another wall-mount for her study. To the contrary, it seemed as though she’d been shooting for a lion and had hit its cub by accident, though I didn’t understand why the Queen of Misery gave a damn about me.

Satan stopped holding my arms above my head, but she still held me in place while she caressed my cheek. “My poor little puppy… I’m… Well, it’s been a very long time since I’ve said this, but I’m sorry for your fate.”

I shrugged. “What can ya do? It is what it is.”

She bit her lip and looked around. “... Kauku is busy,” she murmured to herself.

“I assume she is if she’s waging war.”

“Aye, she’s preoccupied. Too preoccupied to notice that you even died, evidently.”

“... Really now?”

Satan cracked a pointy grin. “How about we make a little deal?”

“A deal with the Devil? One that I’m not dictating? Sounds like a last resort.”

“My palace is like a resort, and it’s likely the last building you’ll ever see.”

“Fair enough. Lay it on me, beautiful.”

“Become my pet. Wear a collar, and I will protect you from Kauku’s gaze. Take the collar off and I’ll torture you myself and act like we never met in the first place.”

“What’s the catch?”

She smiled widely, her teeth practically glowing with malice that had replaced pity by killing it with cleated boots. “Why, there’s just one teensy tiny little thing~”

“... You get to do whatever you want to me anyways, don’t you?”

“You either get tortured or humiliated. It’s up to you.” She lifted a hand and snapped her fingers, a studded green collar appearing in her hands. “This time there’s no third option, cutie pie. Everything’s on the table.”

As little as I liked to admit it, her words were as true as the sky was blue, which is to say that there was no other option. I sighed and propped myself up, allowing her to place the inner studs of the collar against my neck, the metal chilling to the point of being painful as she fastened the buckle. As degrading as that was in and of itself, having the Queen grasp my hair and drag her tongue from my collarbone to the space just beneath my eye made me feel sickeningly aroused. I didn’t like the feeling at all, but even as Satan pushed me away from her, I felt my loins tingle with a shameful energy, one that revelled in being treated as a toy. I knew in my core that the feelings were false; that either the collar or Satan herself was trying to making me more submissive or malleable to whatever she wanted, and that just wasn’t in my wheelhouse.

It didn’t matter...

✮ Hey man, we don’t have to talk about this shit anymore. Vivi isn’t here to force this shit out, Garrison. ✮

Ω That’s right, but if you need to talk… Ω

… Yeah. I need to tell someone about this.

✮ Had plenty of time to tell me that you met Lucy. ✮

… It’s not personal, Jayne. We just… We just weren’t that kind of close at the time, you know?

✮ … Sorry I wasn’t a better friend. ✮

Ω Sorry I chose you. Ω

… It’s… The past is the past. We’ll just skip over it-

Ω Nah. ✮

… Thought I didn’t have to spill if I didn't want to.

Ω I might have scattered memories, but let me preface this by saying that I know that I’m a monster. That much is clear. That being said, the look in your eyes when you said ‘skip’ was the same look I remember seeing when I was a kid. She raped you, didn’t she? Ω

…

✮ It wasn’t just once, was it? ✮

… I don’t know.

Ω … How could you not? Ω

✮ What else did she do, Garrison? ✮

… I don’t want to talk anymore.

Ω Oi! Miss waitress! Can I get six a’ whatever’s strongest? Liquor too, in pint glasses! Ω

The fuck are you- Jayne, where did you-

✮ Just puff on it a few times before the drinks get here, fam-o. ✮

O-kay… ACK! Dear Gods!

Ω Just hit that a couple more times, yeah? Ω

Fuggin’... Okay.

✮ Ay, it’s that shit, man. Go ahead and start sippin’. ✮

Aren’t you two gonna- Nevermind. What were we talking about?

Ω Just some of the shit Queen Satan put you through. Not terribly important. Ω

Not important!? That cunt fucked every hole I have! Literally!

Ω … What? ✮

She fucked my ass, split my cock so she could fuck it, fucked my nostrils, pierced my ear holes, gouged out my eyes so she could skull fuck me, and shoved that disgusting rod of hers down my throat more times than I could count! Not to mention she made me eat literal shit off the fucking floor! Not fuh-cking important!?! That’s not even the fucking half of it! The shit she made me do… Did to me…

Ω … Garrison? That’s not beer. Ω

✮ Hey, save some weed for… Nevermind. Wind Magic means big lungs, I guess. ✮

An’ another fuckin’ thing! The only fuggin’ reason I got out of that Hellhole was because a’ some g-HIC! G-HIC! Giant fuckin’ ugly fucker that dragged me out!

Ω Wait, what? ✮

✮ Okthus saved you? ✮

Ω … That… Thing, did something good? Ω

Yeah! In the middle of another arse raping, Okthus came in and snatched me off of Satans cock, scoldin’ her for using his stuff. He’s the one who took that damned collar off of me, and he’s the reason I got permanently banned from Hell.

Ω Holy shit. Ω

✮ … I should punish him for doing that, but he broke the rule to save you, so… ✮

Yeah, I owe him a solid favour, and I’ll thank you to let me repay it.

Ω He’s not worth it. ✮

Haven't people said that about everyone at this table?

Ω … We aren’t torturous rapists. Ω

I tortured and just barely avoided raping Dissida. I know you’ve just said that you were a monster, so I believe that your crimes could probably equal out to a rape or two in severity. As for you, Jayne, I know you’re a proliferate mind-rapist, so shut the fuck up.

✮ Dayum. ✮

Ω Fucking healing factor, making you sober up too fast. Ω

Anyway, I’ll just pick up where I left off, which was being thrown out of and subsequently banished from Hell while Okthus and ‘Lucy’ fought a battle that I didn’t care about. I was so far gone after so many eons that I didn’t even recognize the fact that I was cold until I realized that I had eyelids again. To explain, they’d previously been cut off to make me watch every excruciating detail of my torture at the hands of Queen Satan, so imagine my surprise when I blinked. I did it fast and frequently as my memories shuffled around in my head as it was being lifted and placed on two things that were touching each other. Both of the things were firm and hard, feeling like scales beneath my head as I tried to comprehend the world of grey around me. After having spent so long in the company of blue, purple, black, and my own blood, I was unused to there being no colour in an area, especially since I was forced to witness many colourful events.

I twitched and spasmed against my will on whatever I’d been placed upon, though the song that warbled into my ears sounded familiar and calmed my frenzied heart. It didn’t sound like Hell, and that was odd to me. I knew the voice, but even as I regained my senses and control over myself, I couldn't remember who it could have possibly been. The being singing stroked my cheeks with red talons that made me wonder if a strange, kindly Demon had taken me into their realm since I wasn’t fully aware of anything at the moment. I did, however, eventually look up and see a red face streaked with pink tears and a repulsive appearance in general.

My first thought, with my unsteady hands, was to clear its tears because I knew that crying meant it was in pain, and I knew what it was like to be in pain. I didn’t want it to cry anymore, but I didn’t know how to tell it that, so I said, “I love you. Don’t…”

The thing let me wipe it’s tears away, holding my hands to its face. “... Do you even know who I am?”

While I’d forgotten how to speak multiple times over my enslavement to the Queen, I knew how to converse in a way. Sadly, Vulpha was the only thing that really stuck in my mind, so I had to answer in that. “[Should I?]”

“... My name is Dissida. My name is
Dissida, and it’s time I sacrificed my pride.” It replied, sliding my head off of its trunk-like legs to stand up. I had a good look at its nether regions and I was more confused than impressed, but at least I knew it was a she.

“[Why are you sacrificing your pride?]”

She looked down at me and sighed. “Because love is hard, Gary Bear. I love you too.”

With that, she disappeared into the air and I was left on the floor of what I remembered to be a forest, except I remembered forests as being green and brown. For all of five seconds, that is. I recognized the place when I sat up, naming it as The Grey and claiming it as a sign that I was well and truly safe, despite the dull aches telling me that themselves. If they’d been sharper, or rather, if I hadn’t been able to close my eyes to focus on them because eyelids, I might not have believed that being okay was a possibility. And I was in familiar territory!

After I’d sat up, I just got up and looked around some more, spotting a rocky patch on the ground that seemed to lead down into a den-like cave of some kind. I scratched my head and bled for my troubles, making me realize that I could move my hands, which were slowly turning into claws. I watched them until the transformation was complete and wondered why my hands had been fine up until that moment. It was certainly a curiosity to be explored, so I rubbed my chin with my index claw for a while until I noticed something else: I was scratching myself with my fingernails.

I looked at my hands again and lo’ and behold, they were normal hands other than the fact that my flesh was ghostly white and the appendages were an oily black, gleaming green when the light caught them. The only problem was that there wasn’t a discernible source of illumination coming from anywhere in the forest, and the cave only seemed as though it grew darker for a short while since I could see glimmers of things beyond the mouth. It was odd to say the least, but I honestly found the hoarse, worn out bark of some old mutt to be more compelling than finding the source of light. Looking at the forest itself showed me that there were hounds all ‘round. Many of them were even further gone than being half rotten, and though the ones that didn’t wear the same level of decay didn't seem to have the notable ambulatory issues, they still had their own problems.

It didn’t really fuckin’ matter since there was an entire pack and they were fucking massive.

That being said, I wasn’t scared of them, and it’s not because of any sense of bravery: that had been stripped from me long ago. I just knew that they couldn’t hurt me enough to phase me like Satan had; couldn’t degrade me any further than I’d already been degraded, couldn’t dig a hole deep enough to bring me any lower than I was. There was a peace born from being beneath rock bottom, battling basalt for elbow room; a certain strength born from knowing that few truly have it. I waved at the Hellhounds as they approached me, but I had a feeling that I was waiting for one in particular to show its face so it could pass judgement. An elder hound from the pack stepped forward, the orange light in its chest flickering between bright and dim with every step. In contrast, every other Hellhound in attendance had a steady glow emanating from their abdomen, so I assumed that the elder was coming for something important. As it came, I knelt, meeting eye to eye with a being I then recognized as one of my most loyal friends.

“[I greet you, friend,]” I said politely.

“[And I you, Emissary.]”

I gave him a gentle, closed-mouth grin that he licked off of my face. That left me a little miffed. “Well, thanks.”

“[You are a warrior. Act like it.]” The authority in his voice was unmistakable, but there was something stopping me from caring.

Thus I slapped him. “You don’t tell me shit, bitch. Only Mistress commands me.”

He went to nip at me, (Or just bite me. He’s a fucking wolf.) so I shoved my fist down his throat before I could close my eyes and accidentally turned my hand into a claw while it was still inside of him, making the scraping I was going to do a little more bloody. He whimpered at the pain and muttered some impolite things about me, but he still said, “[I knew there was a piece of you left. Hold onto that, Garrison.]”

I gave him a look. “[What did I just tell you?]”

The unnamed Hellhound barked out a couple chuckles and wheezed. “[Fair enough. Would you do something if I asked?]”

“[Sure. I’m reasonable.]” At least I thought I was. Kinda.

“[Take my heart and eat it. Give me peace and nourish your soul, Garrison.]”

That was an odd request, but I’d done odder things in the recent past. “[Okay. Do you have a name?]”

“[You once called me Mark, though my name is Sieg.]”

“[Mark, then. Thank you for the meal and the advice, I guess.]”

He laid down and rolled over onto his back. “[Anytime, old pal.]”

Without really comprehending what I was doing… Without… Without really even knowing who I was killing… I put down one of the most loyal creatures I knew and ate his heart. He didn’t cry. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew that I was hurting because of it. That didn’t stop me from savouring every last drop of Sieg’s lifeforce as it passed my lips, and it didn’t stop me from appreciating what he’d done, even if I didn’t yet know the full story behind it yet. When I swallowed the last piece of his tender, pulsating flesh, an innate desire to howl overtook me, joined by the rest of the pack. The end of an era had been coming in The Grey ever since I’d come there the first time, but even before I lost most of my mind I’d been unsure of what the result would be.

As Mark lay lifeless before me, the pack closed in silently and sat nearby in various positions, all of them holding vigil for the most respected among their community. Tears streamed down my face as flashes of time I’d spent with the fellow I’d just eaten surfaced and the weight of the act settled on my shoulders, even though it had been accepted by the community around me. I’d been a part of something that was supposed to happen, but only then did I learn to regret all over again. The grief I felt was muddled by the fact that Mark hadn’t cried at all, meaning (To my addled mind) that he’d been fine with me consuming his heart. Still, even if Mark had eaten me a thousand times in the past, we’d moved on since then and I’d forgiven him for doing his duty as a watcher of Terra’s own Hell.

I was distraught, frightened of how Dissida would react when she returned to find that her favourite animal was officially in my stomach when I started remembering more about her too. Things that I’d even forgotten about after returning to Equis surfaced in my mind, flooding me with with memories and thoughts I’d had over the thousand years I’d spent in The Grey. Magic welled up in my breast and I finally understood, after hours of confusion and distress, that Mark had given his life to both pass the torch to me and return my memories to a degree. My supposition was that he’d used his faltering Magic to link to the previous Hellbeast hearts I’d eaten, returning my mind to that point in time.

In other words, my main mutt did me a huge favour and committed dying to death so he could jog my memory.

Guilt wracked my heart for the rest of the remaining time it took for Dissida to return, her head hung low, her shoulders hunched, and her aura gloomy at best. When our eyes met, she looked away for what I assumed to be the same reason that I did: Shame. I had a feeling that her sacrifice had been in vein, and I knew that I was officially lower than before, having betrayed one of my closest friends for something that may have come back in time. However, apathy soon came over me as I looked back on my tenure with the Queen because I knew that I’d felt worse. After brushing off the loss of a good friend by thanking him one last time for his gift, I approached Dissida, coming within arm’s reach to speak to her.

“So? What did you leave for?”

“... I tried talking to Kauku,” Dissida confessed.

“And that is?”

“... A woman who wants you back in Hell right now.”

I scoffed. “Bring her here and tell her to fuck off.”

Dissida winced and turned away from me further, cowering from me. I checked my six because I felt like it and did a double take when I saw a purple woman glaring at me like I’d stolen her fucking sweet roll or something. I didn’t like the way her aura felt since it made me want to sock her, so I spit in her face and said, “Fuck. Off.”

The anger in her eyes melted away and was replaced by shock as she snapped her fingers, my loogie flying back at me too slow to actually make contact. “I beg your- Wait, I beg your pardon?”

“I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I’m not going back to Hell. I didn’t deserve to be there in the first place, so why don’t you just fuck right off and go get tortured by Satan yourself, no? Truly, and I do mean this from the bottom of my heart; KILL YOURSELF.YOU WASTE. OF FLESH. Telling people to go to Hell. Tch. Have you ever been raped? I hope you get raped. You should get raped. I’ll rape you right here, right now.”

And so I damn near did.

I’d just torn the front of Kauku’s dress and exposed her breasts when she teleported away, covering herself before she outright fixed the mess. “... What the fuck.”

My inner hunter took over and I sprinted after her. Apparently she didn't like the idea of someone getting their meatstick in her tripe-trap, so Kauku started running. I’d glimpsed the whites of her eyes just before the true panic struck her and she took off, which pissed me off enough to make me ignore the fact that I was running on air to gain on her. When I finally caught up, I slammed Kauku into a tree and-

Ω Hold the fuck up! Ω

✮ Dude, what the fuck!? ✮

Let me tell my damn story!

Ω Since when are you a rapist!? Ω

When’s the last time you went to Hell?

Ω Not that long ago! Ω

How much of it do you remember?

Ω ... Ω

✮ … Fuck it. That cunt sent you to Hell for her own sins. She deserved it. ✮

If you’d have let me just continue the story, then you’d know I only made it as far as ripping her panties off before she remembered that she was God and I was just a mortal fuck with less Magic than might, and even my might was lacking. When she whirled around and grabbed me by the throat, I crammed three fingers into her quim and bore my teeth at her. My fingers were promptly melted out of her and the daylights were sufficiently slapped out of me before everything came back to me, and I do mean everything. For the first time in my entire life, I remembered seeing my parent’s faces, and in all honesty, Aria looks just like our Mum did. I wasn’t old enough to really remember watching her die by the hand of some Thesuvian Prowlers, but Kauku made sure my face ached with the resounding feeling of losing everything I’d ever had.

“... Oh,” I said softly, my head bobbing around as I looked about, dazed and a little bleary for a few moments. “Hi, Kauku.”

The woman I was looking at wasn’t Kauku.

“... Hi, Kaid…” The strange woman said, letting me go.

“So… You’re not the one who sent me to Hell.”

“I… I’m sorry. I’m not her, but I can protect you from her if you just do one last thing for me. I’ll even forgive you for… For that.” She oathed.

“Hmm… What do you want?”

“The Nectar of the Hallowed Orchids. Just enough for a mouthful. It won’t even be that hard to get, I promise.” She gave me a minute smile.

“And Kauku?”

“... I’ll make sure she gets what she deserves. It won’t be swift, but it will be worth the wait, Kaid. I promise you that.” The smaller woman backed away and straightened her magically mended as she faded out of the realm.

I was left with a Why Boner that seemed to want to stick around for longer than it was intended to, which is what I assumed was making my heart pound like a bass drum. When the willy started getting wiggly rather than stiff, I noticed that it was getting really hard to breathe, which was incredibly queer since I didn’t know I was breathing since I’d not had to do it in a great many years. My vision slowly faded into darkness, causing me to panic slightly, though there were worse experiences to be had. I knew because I’d had them in what felt like less than twenty-four hours time.

As I sank to my knees, my eyes felt leaden, closing against my will, my strength leaving me rapidly. It felt as though I was being poisoned. Little did I know it was because I was.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Daaamn that was a fuckin’ cliffhanger! Fuck you, Garrison.

Ω Don’t you already know what happens next? Ω

No! That’s what sucks!

☬ Your story is interesting too, Gingy. ☬

Fuck you. Anyway, as I was revelling in my loneliness, I passed out while dreading the probability of having to wear… Panties, again in the morning, which would likely persist all day. If I’d had to put them on in the first place, then I doubted the fuck out of whether or not I’d have to wear them all day. It’s not even that girl shit is uncomfortable; I just don’t like it. Flat out. That’s probably why I woke up in a shitty mood, or it might have been because I was making one of the people I love most in the world so miserable that I had to literally warp her mind to make her okay with my everyday moves, let alone the actual evil shit I occasionally did. That could have been a factor.

I sat up in bed and Hermione looked at me from her pillow. “Sleep well?”

“No. Thanks,” I growled.

“Excuse you?”

“... Sorry, Mommy,” I uttered.

“I think you could use a reminder of who’s in charge here.” Hermione deadpanned.

I levelled a cool look at her. “I’m taking this shit off, and you’d better be either out of this room or on your knees before the panties hit the ground.”

She casually slapped me. “You’re grounded.”

“Yes Mommy…”

“Your dress is going to be pink today.”

“... Yes-”

“And you’ll be wearing special panties, just for that little mouth of yours. Am I clear?”

“Okay…” I murmured.

“Don’t forget that you have braziers now. Wear them.”

My eyes grew hot. “Y-Yes, Mommy…”

She looked at me for a few more seconds before nodding. “Good. Take care of Diane when she wakes up, Carnation.”

“... Of course.”

With that, Hermione got out of bed and shed her nightclothes so she could change into something more appropriate for the day, but I stayed on the bed and fingered the hem of my nightgown. Once she noticed that I wasn’t moving, she said, “You can’t stay in bed all day.”

“I know…”

“Then get out of it.” I didn’t answer and dragged myself out of bed, which wasn’t fast enough. “I mean sometime today, Jayne. Hurry and get dressed before you earn yourself a spanking.”

With a heavy heart, I moved to do as she said, and with her harsh tongue guiding me, I latched on a bra and stepped into a pair of lacy pink panties with a vibrator that sat right against my clit in the worst of ways. I felt it as I put my dress on and it was already distracting. Tears formed in my eyes, but I tried not to let them fall at the humiliation of being made to crossdress and the likely prospect of being made to cum against my will sometime in the day. The very thought of it nearly got those tears to fall, but then Hermione ordered me out of my own room and made me face the day with a straight face, despite my eyes being pretty fuckin’ red. I wasn’t even allowed to smoke since Hermione wanted it to be clear that she was punishing me for bending Diane’s mind to my will, but I didn’t even get why she cared since she was supposed to be evil too.

On my way to the Courtroom, I was redirected to the Dining Hall because I couldn't avoid Hermione. Even when I tried to ignore the summons given by the butler, she just turned the vibrator on and made me find a quiet place to translocate without breaking the rules. Once I appeared in the Dining Hall, my face wet and my hands gripping my dress, Hermione just looked at me.

“Learn your lesson?”

“... Y-Yes,”I sniffled.

Hermione pursed her lips and turned her gaze to the wall in front of her. “Then eat.” I moved to do as she asked and she cleared her throat. “Forgetting something?”

“... Yes, Mommy.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Fears of the device in my underwear made me get to my seat quickly, but I couldn’t eat. I just wasn’t hungry, and I had plenty of reasons why. I pushed food around my plate for awhile until Hermione turned the vibrator back on, but then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I closed my legs as tight as they would go and just bawled, covering my face and weeping. Midas was by my side in seconds, having assumed that I was going to go to the Dining Hall in the first place, but I couldn’t tell him that I was cumming where I sat because I was choking on shame and disgust, making it hard to breathe. He let me cry on his shoulder until Hermione decided that I’d had enough, and even then my exhausted sobs still almost sounded like moans. My panties were soaked and so was a good portion of my crotch area in general, but the worst feeling was having my juices run down the crack of my ass. It really was unpleasant.

“Daughter? Are you well?” Hermione asked aloofly.

“I would say not, Your Majesty.” Midas answered for me.

“Did I ask you, Bull?”

“No, Your Majesty. My apologies.”

I don’t know why Hermione waited to ask, “Well? Are you going to answer my question?”

I cried a little harder because of that.

Midas took my head from his shoulder and placed it on his chest. “Your Radicoolness?”

“Hmph. Leave her. If she wants to act like a child, then I can surely treat her like one.”

“Oh, I was unaware that your molested children. I’ll be sure to tell the wards.” Midas answered coldly.

I looked at him like he’d just lost his damn mind because it must have taken some magically reinforced stones to say that. “... I beg your pardon, cattle?”

“You, Your Majesty, would name Queen Jayne as your daughter. Do you not?”

“That has nothing to do with-”

“A Minotaurs sense of smell?”

I buried my face in my hands and drew my knees up to my chest as Hermione said, “You will not mention this to a single soul. Are we clear?”

Midas held me tighter. “I will not allow you to do as you please to the Hero of Minosia, annoying as she may be.”

“I believe I-”

“I believe the Castle will dictate how our Queen is treated.”

Hermione made a curious noise. “Hmm. Left testicle, or right? Carnation, you decide.”

I froze.

“Well? I’m waiting.”

“You are not subject to her will,” Midas whispered to me. “Queen Jayne backs down to no foe.”

I looked up at him from in between my fingers as a butter-knife lodged itself into the base of one of his horns. I whipped my head around and glared at Hermione, which was all it took for her to get shoved out of reality. The only problem was that I had to bring her back, and the longer I waited to do it, the madder she would be. I decided to wait until she learned who was really boss around the Ironclad Castle, which also happened to correlate with whenever I felt like ending our little ‘Mommy-Daughter’ game. I didn’t feel like ending it at the moment, so instead of being a little bitch about it, I gave Midas a hug for being a real trooper and fucked off to my room to go change into something a little less gay.

It wasn’t like I couldn't just have new stuff made, but nooo, Hermione just had to burn all of my old clothes so that I wouldn’t go back to wearing them. It was what it was for the day, but I was pretty unhappy about having to still wear panties when Hermione wasn’t even around. It was also beyond gay, but I had to take my licks where they came, otherwise I was going to just be fucking sad all day. With that in mind, I got rid of the special panties and put on some rather unremarkable normal ones, but I still had to wear a dress, and I had to wear a bra with it, otherwise my nipples got itchy. It was the very definition of unfair, but then again, I was kinda evil anyway.

In any case, I took my time in getting to the Courtroom because I could, and when I got there, Diane was waiting for me with a smile on her face and a box of candy in her hands. “Heeey~ I got some sweets for my sweet!”
‘
I sighed and gave her the most genuine smile I could as I walked up the dais. “It’s really good to see you, Diane. It’s been crazy since I got back from Niple.”

“Heh-heh, you said back!”

“I sure did. What’s with the candy?”

“Oh, I figured I’d just be nice for a little bit before I started my evil streak!”

I stopped walking. “Evil streak?”

“Yeah, might as well since you and Hermione are pretty much kissing sisters right now. I wanna get in on the fun!”

“Actually, Hermione’s kinda gone at the moment. She overstepped some boundaries that were kinda important. And the expression is ‘kissing cousins’ or some Yee-Haw-ass ‘Howdy-der-pardner’ shit.”

“Oh. Well what about you? Do you want to be evil with me?”

“... No. I don’t wanna be evil at all, Diane,” I replied softly.

“Then why do you do evil stuff?”

“... I don’t know. I don’t really want to, either. Just… I’m sorry, Diane. I’m really sorry.”

“For what?”

“For betraying your trust.”

“Oh. I know, but there’s not really much we can do about it now, now is there?”

I looked up at her for a long moment, watching as she shifted around in my throne and made the most of her time up there. I slowly ascended, waiting to say anything until she started to get up. “Nah, sit with me today.”

She smiled coyly and played with a lock of her wonderful hair. “Hmm~ What’s in it for me?”

“Name your price.”

“Hmm… I want to decide what happens to the second person who wastes your time today!”

I nodded. “Sure. That can be arranged.”

“Really!? Oh, that’s super splenderific! I can’t wait to make the hoi polloi think twice about wasting time!”

“Not really the mindset you should be going into this with, but who am I to judge?”

“Well, you’d be Jayne. And the Queen. Duh.”

“That’s right, and as Jayne the Queen, I say that I get to sit on your lap today.”

Diane beamed and opened her arms. “Well? I’m waiting~”

I jogged up the rest of the stairs and had a seat on Diane before she wrapped her arms around me and started sucking on my neck like it was nineteen-ninety and she was trying to get to second base. She did, and she almost stole third before I made her stop so I could focus on getting my game face on for the day. Thankfully Diane wasn’t exactly evil herself, but I did have to tell her to get rid of the inflatable strapon in her pants because shit was mad gay. It ended up taking awhile for someone to run out the timer and waste my time, so I let Diane handle the first one of the day and had her dictate what the guys punishment would be. As it turned out, Diane thinks like Hermione. She had the Bull go and get one of his Cow’s bras and wear it on his head over his horns, which was pretty fucking amusing to watch. Other than that, there was little goiqng on in Court, so Diane and I were pretty much responsible for entertaining each other all day.

Outside of Court, Hermione had found a way out of the Non-place I had sent her and was waiting in the Dining Hall with Diane and I when we met again. She gave me a hard, flinty glare that gave me goosebumps like you wouldn’t believe, and that was even before she started talking about all the things she was going to make me do. That is, up until Diane threatened to shave her all the way and dip her in tar. Hermione calmed down a lot after that and even apologized for what happened earlier in the morning, though Diane had to ask what had gone on and was a little pissed at the result. It didn’t go over well at all and Diane made it very clear that Hermione was no longer welcome in her presence, so the Alicorn avoided a fight with someone who’s power rivaled mine at a point in time.

Once Hermione went back to Cragspire, Diane and I actually sat down and talked in my chambers, which I opened up with, “Diane, you know I warped your mind. I didn’t make you okay with it, so-”

“I’m not okay with it, but I also know that it’s inconsequential. You didn't change a single thing about my personality; just my willingness to watch you do bad stuff. Even then, you’ve had plenty of chances to do bad stuff today, like when Alethia asked you to go down on her, or when Borin grabbed your butt and tried to woo you. I don’t think you’re evil anymore, just lazy,” Diane explained, her words wounding me a little, but being better than most alternatives.

“... You think I’m lazy?”

“You don’t like putting in legwork. You’ve been searching for shortcuts ever since you started trying to recreate bullets and guns, Jayne.”

“... Oh.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty fixable.”

“If you say so…”

“Wanna do it?”

“Do what?” I asked dumbly.

“Sex, silly! You haven’t gotten any since you became a Queen, and I haven’t gotten any since before then!”

I stared at her for a solid ten seconds before I said, “You realize I only know how to sex with a dick, right?”

“Might as well learn, right?”

And so I did learn, but I didn’t want to get off. I munched of some Diane’s pie until she gave plenty of reasons to spread my legs for her to have her turn. It was as awkward as I thought it was going to be, but what made it even worse was the fact that I kept feeling stuff inside me and that was wrong. I made Diane stop before I could actually go ahead and throw up, but she still wanted me to get something out of the night other than nausea and discomfort. Since she wanted to do something for me, I just asked her to hold me until I fell asleep, but when I woke up, she was still holding me. It was genuinely touching and more than a little enticing. Being in her arms made me feel safe, warm, and loved, which is why I stayed buried in her chest until she got up to go use the restroom.

Bellony stopped by since Hermione wasn’t around to help me dress myself or sort out my hair, so it didn’t take all that long for me to get ready. Diane, on the other hand, was allowed to wear whatever she wanted, but Bellony wasn’t having any of her ‘I just brushed my hair, it’s fine!’, so after my mane got styled for the day, Diane was up next, and the braid Bellony put into her locks was certainly lovely. My girlfriend was mostly just annoyed that she had to spend time in my cursed chair, but even then she still enjoyed the result of her patience, unlike me. I was feeling more than a little salty about the mini-bun Bellony put in, but it’s not like I could have told her off without hurting her feelings or making her be difficult in the future.

Much to Diane’s dismay, we had to stop by her quarters to get her some apparel only to find that Hermione had done her one last ‘favor’ in ‘upgrading’ her wardrobe to match mine in a way. A lot of Diane’s things were in earth tones that really just didn’t look good on her, so we sorted through the shit with Bellony until we found a passable dress that wasn’t exactly the best. At the very least Diane and I were both clothed, so we had that going for us. Without anything stopping us from heading to breakfast, we went and got some delicious noms for the day before the whole kit and kaboodle started all over again. Life was monotonous in the castle unless shit was popping off one way or the other, and with Midas being unable to get the butter knife out of his horn without permanently damaging it, that was pretty much the highlight of my day. I ended up cutting off the bit of the butter knife that was just hanging from his head and sanding down what I couldn’t remove so that it would be flush with his head, but he still complained about not being able to feel his horn. Why he’d even want to is beyond me. Point blank.

That being said, there was something I had to do while Garrison was in Serpest, and that was attend or send a delegate to the Dripping Daisy festival that was going to be held somewhere in Equestria. The thing about that was that Celestia was probably going to kill whoever I sent, and it wasn’t guaranteed that she wouldn’t try to kill me, so I brokered a deal with Oedipus, Helen, and Ligre to get them all on the same page so they could watch the house for me. It was probably a bad idea to go directly to Celestia’s country right after I’d ripped one of her fingers off, but then again, I also wasn’t supposed to go to Equestria anyway. After some deliberation on the possibility of letting myself not get assraped by Cain, I decided to let Diane go in my stead after I enchanted the fuck out of some tasteful gloves to make her hit harder, a nice pair of lady-shoes to make her run faster (They had straps. Made sure of that one.), sewed some runes into her outfits that would make them cut-resistant, if not cut-proof, and fireproofed all of her everything. Diane thought it was a little much since I was doing it all at the end of the day after making arrangements to go myself. It was like, dawn before I stopped loading things up to give to Diane, but the last gift was probably the most important.

I’d never worked with ceramics as far as Alchemy went, but I knew that Minosian potters were some of the best in the business and that our clay could be… Um…

Ω … Kilned? Ω

Sure. I knew that Minosian clay could be kilned to be both hard and durable, but it took me a few tries to make something that would hold together after a few shots. I had to get the molecular composition right, and I had to reinforce the thing with some extra enchantments anyway since the little Derringer-type deal wasn’t exactly made for anything other than a distraction or a lucky kill. Sadly, I couldn't get into the barrell to make it shoot boolet fassar, but I could enchant all of Diane’s bullets to make them do different things. Some I loaded with Fyre Hexes, a few others got hit with Dark Bolt enchantments, and I gave her one that I covered in runes. There was a Rune Cube to go along with every type of Hex or Spell, but the last bullet I made had a Rune Cube to itself. The cube was enchanted to be sticky if thrown, though it wouldn’t stick to the thrower. Basically, I made a Teleporting bullet that would pierce through about an inch of steel.

Call me crazy or call me pessimistic; I just like to make sure the things I try to kill get deaded.

Once the sun was cracking the horizon wide open with its light, Diane blearily woke up to find me still in the Armory. The guards outside had let her in since there wasn’t another Armorer anywhere in Gray Grotto that would be awake at the moment, and when she came to see what I was doing, she said, “Are you still trying to make that ceramic shooty-thingy?”

I huffed a little as I put the finishing touches on an amulet I’d designed specifically for her. “Working on something more along the lines of a General Health Rune now. It should keep you fit as a fiddle or some shit like that.”

Diane wrapped her arms around me and put her cheek against mine, slightly hindering my fine-tuning. “Well, you know it’s morning, right?”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

“It’s five-thirty here.”

“Shit.”

She giggled and gave me a squeeze. “Looks like we have a long day ahead of us, eh?”

“You can say that again,” I sighed, making a face.

“Looks like we have-”

“Woman.”

“Mhmm! Just checking!”

“Overly literal, pretty-ass twat.”

Diane swatted the back of my head. “Don’t be mean!”

“I can be anything I wanna be! Like a bird flying up in the tree! Like a bird stinging for honey!”

“... Was that a reference?” My girlfriend asked confusedly.

“Yup.”

“It was bad.”

“So is your taste in men, yet here we are.”

“You’re not a man~” Diane sang.

I cracked a smile at that, rueful as it was. “Guess that’s what Hermione kept trying to drill into my head.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure she was just trying to make you understand that you’re not changing back anytime soon,” Diane said more tenderly.

I snorted. “She was afraid that I was going to do the same thing to her that I did to you, except she didn’t even know what I did to you.”

“I know, and I’m not upset.”

“... But how do you feel about it?”

“Are you going to keep doing evil things?”

“... Imma be a lot less lazy, I’ll say that much.”

“So If told you that I planned on bringing Fluttershy back with me and telling her about some of the things you’ve done?” She asked softly.

“Guess I’d have to accept it.” As little as I wanted her to actually go through with that plan, it seemed like she had my best interests at heart with it.

Diane squeezed me again and replied with, “It won’t be as bad as you think it will be. I promise.”

“You only say that because I think the world will implode and we’ll all die horrible, horrible deaths.”

“No, I say that because you’re easily one of the most adaptable, loving people I know, and I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll melt as soon as you lay eyes on the Mare you love most~” She sang, her voice tinged with sadness.

I had a feeling I knew where it was coming from. “She might be the Mare I love most, but you’re the woman I love most, Diane.”

“Hmph! You sure don’t show it! Why, I spent all night wondering when you were going to come to bed and here I find you dawdling away at some chunk of metal!”

I scratched in the last accent mark and handed off the amulet. “Well, when you want me to shower you with gifts, you have to give me time to make them.”

“Oh. Right.”

“So do you know when you’re leaving for the Dripping Daisy Days?”

Diane sighed heavily. “Yeah, I leave with Leonidas early next week. Speaking of anal people, where’s Gauche?”

“I dunno. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I kinda have a feeling that he’s dead.”

“Damn. That sucks.”

“... And?”

I turned to look at her. “And what?”

“... Are you not sad that your friend might be dead or…?”

“We’re not friends?”

Ω Damn. Ω

☬ Ow. ☬

Shut it, crackas. Anyway, Diane gave me an odd look and asked, “Why not?”

“Because we met under crappy circumstances and our whole relationship is built off of being useful to each other. Not to mention he’s kinda my competition for God, so…”

“Well, yeah, but do you really want Max’s old job? I mean, I kind of watched him turn from a loveable asshole to a bipolar asshole because he became God. That kind of power is just going to make you evil, Jayne.”

“So sure?” I chuckled.

“Positive.” She replied, dead serious. “I don’t mind watching you do evil things, but actually having you believe in the shit you do is going to end this relationship.”

My eyes closed, then they went wide. “... Right. And if I try to keep you on as an advisor or something?”

“So you don’t do all evil, all the time?”

“Wink.” I winked at her.

“... Babe, the only reason I didn’t kill myself when Max died is because I’m mortal now. When I was Pinkie, my mind could handle living forever.”

“What if-”

“Change me again and I’ll just kill you.” She deadpanned, her eyes going a steely gray, like the clouds of a storm at sea.

“Duly noted, doubly avoided. Gosh, there sure is a lot of-”

“It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t cute, and it was really threatening. How would you feel if I went digging through your brain, covering up random things until I thought you were right for me again?”

“Fair point, counterpoint not ensuing. You win this round, you cheeky waffle.”

Diane made a noise of assent. “I better have. I put up with a lot from you, Jayne.”

“... You sure do, don’t you.”

“That wasn’t a question, but I will say yeah, I do.” Her voice couldn’t have been much flatter.

“... I’m sorry…”

“You’d better be kissing ass until the day you die, buster!”

“PRESENT IT THEN!” I boomed.

Diane promptly bent over and I kissed her ass literally because I felt like it. Diane giggled and rose with a blush, her face a little rosy and her smile looking as natural as ever. “Well, I wasn’t expecting you to actually do it!”

“Do what? I just kissed your cheek,” I replied.

It took her all of three seconds to be offended and it only took two more for me to start giggling until she dragged me out of my chair, threw me over her shoulder, and carried me out of the Armory. There wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it since Diane was probably six feet tall and I was all of five-nothing at a hundred and twenty if sopping wet with bricks in my pockets. It just wasn’t fair, but I made sure that I was as dignified as I could be as we passed many of the early shifters and the occasional wandering ward. Most of themgot a smile out of my mild humiliation, so I thought it was worthwhile up until Diane slammed me onto my bed and made me bounce so hard I nearly touched the fucking canopy over it.

With that out of the way, I got bathed (With Diane) and found that Hermione’s altered version of my wardrobe was still there, though there were now a few racks of feminine apparel that just… It wasn’t dresses or skirts, so I wasn’t that mad, but most of the clothes on the racks were semi-formal instead of outright regal, so I ended up donning one of my new pantsuits for the day and Diane decided to copy me, but with pink accents to a grey suit instead of orange and black. Come to think of it, I vaguely remember someone saying that orange is the new black, but that might just be something Mari left inside of me. That sounds gross.

… Anyway…

So Diane and I were as prepared as we ever get to face the day, but from the initial case, it was shaping up to be an even longer day than we’d anticipated. Three Bulls and a Naga all came in with a similar problem: Where do the Naga refugees have the right to lay their heads? I’d addressed the issue already and had even paid off some farmers to move them into the city so the Naga could live on their land for a time, but that evidently wasn’t enough for the Snake-Fish niggas. Nooo, they just had to make me look like a dumbass by spreading crime across the northeastern region of Minosia, and I for one, wasn’t having that shit in my house. I arrested the Naga that had showed up with the three bulls on murder charges because all four of them had stated that a land dispute had taken place and that the Naga had ‘won’. However, the duel was off arena grounds, there was no documentation, and the three Bulls were my own people, so of course I sided with them. It was a landmark case that set precedent across the country, and that wasn’t even the start of it.

More and more similar cases started cropping up. Whether the offending party was native or foreigner, it really didn’t matter since Diane and I mostly sided with the natives and citizens. The Naga were just acting like bandits with pride. In light of the conflict going on in my country, I tightened border security and started outright deproting the Naga who were filling the few cells in the Ironclad Keep that weren’t cursed or haunted to Hell. In fact, there were so many new jobs open to Minotaurs specifically for the sole purpose of sending the Naga back from where they came, the Treasury took a notable dip. Still, it was a worthy cause for the happiness of my people, even if my approval rating was still middling among my natives.

With the headaches of mass deportation came outrage from Ynuntu the Slacking. Her letter was so amusing, I literally committed it to memory. Keep in mind I got this about five days after the first case with the Naga and the Bulls, so it was after the initial wave of Naga were forced back onto their side of the border. It read as such:

You think you have power.
You think you’re the toughest woman on the planet.
I have news for you, Jayne: This injustice, this crime you’ve committed against my people, will certainly not be forgotten. In their time of need, you would spurn them, spurn me. We shall see in the coming days where the tides shall shift, and you will come to understand the true meaning of Don’t Tread On Me.

-Ynuntu the Youthful

Now, I’m no scientist, and I don’t have a Remembrall, but I knew back then as I know now that Ynuntu had no prior interest in where her people were going because I’d reached out to her multiple times over the influx of Naga crossing my borders, so I sent her a little letter back that read like this:

Dear Dumbass

It would seem that someone’s forgotten the six letters I’ve sent regarding the recent emigration of your people. As such, I would say you have no right to complain about how I keep your people alive. The next hateful letter you send me will end in executions. As it is now, you can take your people back and stay the fuck out.

No, perhaps that’s rude of me. Somewhat like failing to address the fact that your people have been committing numerous crimes in my land. The subject of the fifth and sixth letters, if you recall. Perhaps you don’t. You mustn’t have read them, otherwise this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Therefore, let me say this once and once only:

Don’t start shit; won’t be shit. Keep yours on your side, and I’ll keep mine on mine. Keep sending your people over past this brand new one month deadline, and I will PERSONALLY send every woman and child back to your neglectful arms with Curses fit to raise the dead and kill them all over again.

Note This: You have been warned,

Queen Jayne of Minosia

As friendly as my letter to Ynuntu was, I wasn’t expecting a reply anytime soon, so imagine my surprise when she sent a letter back saying that she was going to handle business, one way or the other. In my mind and in my Cabinet’s collective opinion, I’d just stuck my tongue into a war.

Author's Note

First chapter posted from the new computer, but not the first one to be written on it. See my latest blog post (21/03/19-03/21/19) for story news.

Let me know what you think: Should I continue on with fanfiction, or should I create my own world?

A Thieve's Tale: Street to Synopsis

A Thief’s Tale: Path to Penance

Synopsis

In the beginning, there was a simple accident that kicked everything off. A single step in the wrong direction set Garrison Varas, also known as Gauche Suede, tumbling head over heels on Equestria’s very own, brand new Princess; Twilight Sparkle. After a brief exchange in a poorly lit alley, Garrison urges his new, naive companion to join him in finding safety for the night. Twilight, however, nearly gets them killed with her notion of asking a passing Minotaur for directions. Garrison in all his non retarded glory, decided that an axe wielding demon from the myths wasn’t something he wanted to face. Thoroughly routed by a man with horns, the duo scoured Grey Grotto for the better part of the night in search of suitable lodgings. By the time they’d found an inn willing to take them, Garrison had learned of his associate’s true identity and the dangers of being near her. Sometimes high risks net weighty rewards, so Garrison resolved to protect his new friend until they could get out of the scary city.

Until Luna showed up and snatched his meal ticket.

With Twilight out of the picture and no capital other than the Human variety, Garrison plied his old trade of thievery to make a quick buck, though his luck was surely running out. Unbeknownst to him, Garrison had attracted the attention of a rebel organization named ‘Bite-Back’, the voice of the Equisian people. Three vigilant members of the underground freedom fighting collective came to recruit the Human, but when they came, they couldn't find him. Steely, the accompanying Minotaur, tried sniffing him out, but didn’t find him. In fact, it was Frieda, the Gryphoness, that found him by sheer luck. Afterwards, Garrison attempted to talk his way into a decent deal to no avail, though he did garner an audience with a higher ranking member of the group. Thus, Garrison met Maud, the woman who was to become his wife and most loyal companion. She was also the woman who was to kick his arse for a few minutes until Garrison got his shit together. Sadly, all was not to go well for Garrison since he had a tendency to piss of the wrong people. One minor murderfest later, and Gary Boi was resting up in Maud’s room for a few day before being adopted by the ever loving, sociopathic sadist, ‘Pops’.

Meanwhile, as we follow Garrison’s adventure, we’ve learned that the being that took Garrison from his homeworld, Terra, was the very same being who’d made Twilight’s spell malfunction and thus spark the association between the two mortals. Maximus Omnium, the God of Gods, decided that Twilight was on the wrong side of the planet and convinced her to go back to Minosia to rescue her new friend. Applejack, the country Mare with a heart of gold, struck Max’s heartstrings like the hammers of a piano, making him deem her a ‘Favoured’ so he could guide her while he could. Sadly, he’d only initiated contact so she wouldn’t make Twilight see reason and not go to Minosia on the word of some creepy old thing that should be dead. Thankfully, Twilight is stubborn and Applejack trusts in the creator.

Which brings us back to Garrison and his lovely little life with Odysseus the Insane. After meeting and greeting half of the town as Odysseus’ adopted son, the Minotaur took him to a special little restaurant that served Satyr. Garrison took issue with the notion of eating a living, speaking creature, but as luck would have it, Odysseus crammed raw flesh down his throat and smashed the poor fellow up pretty well, making Garrison’s life continue on from the Sick Bay in Bite-Back Minosia’s HQ. It took a fair while and a good amount of drugs to get Garrison back on his feet, but when he was ready to get back in the field, he’d already made a plan for revenge.

As Garrison is recovering in Bonetown, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack all asked around, looking for someone matching Gauche’s description. It was not an easy task to ask questions and not get the wrong answer, so Applejack convinced Twilight to let her do all the talking and made some more headway in finding Garrison. That is, up until he found them himself. After a brief exchange, Garrison finds a good place for the girls to rest and makes plans to roll Bite-Back from within. After being sent on a suicide mission that was also a trap, Garrison and Frieda murder basically every Minotaur they come across until they go back to Grey Grotto where Odysseus and even more Minotaurs are waiting for the duo. Counting Crew, for the most part, lie in broken heaps on the floor and all seemed lost until Garrison threw a couple of ‘Joke Trochs’ (Teargas canisters) at the Minotaurs, making most of them fall where they stood. Afterwards, Garrison made sure that every Minotaur wasn’t getting back up and made doubly sure that Odysseus knew what scaphism was.

Once his vengeance was complete, Garrison’s parting gift to Minosia was to free the innocent Satyrs that were being eaten in A Taste of Evil, and burn the wretched place down before he made his way to Equestria with Twilight, Maud, and the girls. Just before beginning his new journey in a new land, a certain someone landed on his head as he rested beneath a window, and that someone just so happened to be the Luck Lady of the Avalesch Thieves’ Guild. Ladesa, otherwise known as the daughter of Furladra, Goddess of Thieves, had heard of Garrison’s exploits before she herself had mysteriously landed in Grey Grotto. With nothing else to do, she agreed to join the small cadre in their quest to Equestria, though there was trouble even before they could leave. Garrison was waylaid by a screener and forced into service as an Equestrian Ranger.

After he heard the news about his new job, Garrison and the girls made their way to Equestria where he promptly learned that motion sickness was a true and terrible thing. Aside from that, the walk to the castle was the best part of his day, and even then it was due to go south very quickly. Celestia asked for a private audience with Garrison, which she got because she was the damn Princess. Sadly, Celestia trusted Garrison. She trusted him to be evil or fuck something up, so she was tempted to kill him and be done with the complicated nuisance then and there. Then, Max stepped in and set the rules of engagement, which boiled down to that there weren’t supposed to be any engagements. Afterwards, Garrison headed to Ponyville with his group of Mares and eventually meets a special friend of Max’s; Jameson Maxwell Underwood. Jameson seems to have been expecting Garrison to come across him in the park, but the odd fellow didn’t mention how he knew Garrison. It was odd to say the least, especially since Jameson was the only other Human that Garrison had seen since being on Equus, including the Demi-Goddess Ladesa. However, free help is some of the best help to get, which Max made very clear.

As Garrison juggled a love triangle with a Goddess who’d given him Wind Magic and the Mare who’d healed him from Death’s Door multiple times, Jameson’s life steps into the story and his emotional turmoil concerning women of different worlds. That is, after he’d just been in multiple abusive relationships that covered just about every type there was and losing the brother he’d loved since third grade. Granted, his brother was a piece of shit and he was coming to terms with that, but nothing could stop Jay from diving down the path of Equivalent Exchange and Black Magicks. If that wasn’t bad enough, in order to reclaim her Goddesshood and find a way to steady a relationship with Applejack, Furladra and Ladesa hatched a plan to trade Garrison’s soul to Dissida for her support.

After a stellar party given by God himself, Garrison went and got himself stabbed in the back shortly after being dumped by Maud and being picked up by his Ranger Trainer. While most people would assume that just meant it had been a really bad week, being stabbed in the back is not rhetorical in this sense, which resulted in Gauche being sent to Dissida’s realm. With the white guy running through the forest, trying not to get eaten alive again and again, Jameson dealt with a strange and confusing love rhombus between himself, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Fluttershy’s Vampire Persona/Ancient Vampiress hellbent on taking over the world. That, and now Maximus was out an heir to the throne, and he’d just had to kill his own best friend of countless eons for betraying them both in the worst of ways.

Without any options left, Max himself takes on the role of Fate, which was a breach of the rules that no one ever knew about. In doing so, Max learned The Truth and set forth the events that result in his spirit being laid to rest, unbeknownst to even those closest to him. Sadly, so much power and knowledge, even in a being as incomprehensibly almighty as Max himself, caused his power to drain even faster than it had been previously, resulting in a stroke for the oldest living being in existence. Entire Parallels were to be destroyed in the blink of an eye, and once Max gave up the position of Fate to the being he trusted most in the world, even more were to fall. Diliculum, Max’s wife of countless years and his closest confidant, offered to play her part in the cataclysm, but Max was unprepared for the pain that she would bring him by banishing him from the Universal Collective and ending Roxy to the best of her abilities.

While Gauche was partying it up in Hell, Jay was making a mess of Black Magic and was quickly diving deeper than he’d ever meant to, though it would seem that his luck was running strong because he accidentally turned Garrison’s former trainer into a Gulle, which is a ‘Vampire’ without any of the perks or quirks. It actually sucks to be a Gulle because the compulsion to follow orders is stronger than ever, but with that, Jay and Shade Rose, the ancient Vampiress in Fluttershy’s head, decided to start a Coven in time. Thankfully, after a few thousand years of learning how to be wild, Garrison became a little wild and started eating Hellhounds, which was pretty fucking dope. It also got the attention of Dissida, who he took advantage of and sexually assaulted into becoming his slave for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t all rape and revenge, however, since Dissida and Garrison struck a deal to train and have much milder sex in the future. The result was that Garrison learned how to fight from one of the most lethal creatures near Terra and Dissida got some decent dick at a decent pace.

As all does go in Max’s life, he knew that his end was not to be happy, thus when his wife, Diliculum, struck him and Roxy down, shit went sideways everywhere else. Garrison’s time in Hell was up and he was now slated to go to Minosia to slay King Herodotus. However, when Max died, Garrison had to get to the bottom of the disturbance and met Queen Kauku, an aspect of the Original Twilight from the Equis that Max ascended from. After that, Jay fucked up really badly and Lujei Piche, Dutchess of Destruction and Archmage of All to Be, was summoned to Equis to be his familiar. Sadly, Lujei was far stronger than Jay’s mentor, Grogar, could have ever anticipated, which ended with Jay being tortured out of his skinsuit and being slipped into the body of one Mariana Shawl, the woman who just so happened to be Garrison’s soulmate.

Now with a love polygon too complex for words and a memory as spotty as a Dalmatian, Garrison muddled his way through the situation while Jay went to go com fort Max’s third wife, Pinkamena, as she dealt with her own grief. In the same visit, he brutally murderationized a Twilight, got some shower sex, and turned Pinkamena into the brunette Bombshell known as Diane. Shortly after that, he got disowned by his mother for practicing Magic, despite God being cool with it. The whole debacle was unnecessary, and most people would have thought so, but Jay just put up with it because there was little to do about it. After Jay got disowned, Garrison’s little sister decided to come back into the picture via a dream that shortly turned into reality, though he didn’t know why someone was messing with him or why they would be. Neither was of much concern since Gauche was just glad to see his sister healthy and happy. Kauku, on the other hand, was going batshit crazy and couldn’t be trusted to hold a fart in a flame filled room.

Garrison quickly learned that Aria’s reasoning for being on Equis and specifically in Equestria was so that she could be Celestia’s daughter, with Garrison and Celestia herself seeing flaws in the plan before it was even fully hatched. For one, Garrison and Celestia were pretty disdainful of each other to put it mildly, though they did manage to talk through some of their differences as Celestia reminded him that he needed to go to Minosia at some point. Naming Jay and Ladesa as his partners, Garrison set out to kill a king. After he got lost in the Everfree. In Jay’s neck of the woods, he was mostly fucking around with Black Magic, but at a slower pace than before. Twilight wanted some of his sweet caramel and Fluttershy was willing to share, but Jay was a little iffy about dating a different version of a woman he’d just sent to Hell with his very own minion.

Having [caught up to myself because doing a summary of my own writing is harder than I thought] been tortured out of his body, Jay’s outlook on life was pretty bleak. The runes he’d made with Grogar should nearly have been able to contain Lujei, and if he’d been able to get the Absorption Rune put together in time, he would have been able to siphon off her Magic and store it in his ring and Amulet, basically giving him the power to do whatever he damn-well pleased magically. Sadly, what he didn’t realize was that he’d created a simulacrum of a rune that Lujei herself had made in order to create a Philosopher’s Philter; the potion that turned her into the ultra-powerful being that she was. The shape of the rune, as dictated by Grogar, would have resulted in a Bastard Philter that would have amplified the Magic of the drinker by as much as their body could handle, and the plan was to have Jay’s Artifacts drain the excess Magic for a never-ending supply. The actual wording of the rune, as dictated by Jay, was to summon, bind, and absorb, which it would have done if he’d completed it. The real devil was that Lujei was too observant to the chatter in the Ether, which wouldn’t have been a problem in a place outside of the Necromancy Capital of Tartarus.

After successfully relieving Jay of his body and making him pretty damn miserable, she spat him out right around the time Garrison needed him to go to Minosia. It was convenient timing, but then Aria tried to ask for Jay’s butt and Garrison also wanted Jay’s butt because he was wearing a Mary suit, but neither of them were getting the butt because Jay was neither gay nor a lesbian. At this point in the story, there are three voices chiming in on the events as told by Jay and Garrison, and that voice is Vivi, who is actually a reincarnated form of Lujei.

[Confused yet?
Thought I’d stop at thirteen?
Made through 32, this is 36 chapters
We ain’t third of the way through

Damn Shon, it’s weird!

To who? You? Spin your mind a time or two
See what shakes loose]

Once Ladesa, Garrison, and Jay were all together, they rested for a night before their departure. The dreams of their slumber turned into nightmares as the Dream Lord who’d once falsified Garrison’s memories interfered with the dreams of all three heroes. However, Jay was well versed in Lucid dreaming, so he staved off his portion of the horde with frightening ease. Ladesa herself was born of Godflesh, so she was unable to fully enter the dream realm anyway, but Garrison, however, had a chance to murder the fuck out of plenty of things that came in his way by courtesy of Hyprades. However, Ithaca, the fellow who showed up to give Gauche a little warning, didn’t actually warn him of the fact that the High Council of Gods, a Secret Society of the Terran gods themselves consisting of Amelemme (Love), Hypraedes (Dreams and Reality), Panui (Life and Order), Trike (Honor and Glory), and Lewwy (Sun). Their purpose was to eliminate Garrison as a Candidate, as well as secure their own Candidate so that the next God of Universe One would spare them in the Cataclysm that would ensue with the passing of the torch.

What the High Council didn’t plan on was Dissida and Furladra teaming up to assist Garrison and get him out of that particular pickle, but that still doesn’t answer who Ithaca was. As it would happen, Ithaca is Panui, the God of Life and Order. Rather, Ithaca is the ugly side of creation while Panui is the pretty parts. As a part of the Secret Society that’s trying to kill Garrison, Ithaca begins a deal with Dissida to keep the natural heir alive while the gods begin to wage war over their own ‘Chosen’.

Back on Equis, Gauche, Jay, and Ladesa make their way to Minosia and sort out two easy objectives: Free some captive Bite-Backers that can help kill Herodotus and then kill Herodotus himself. Sadly, Ladesa was betrayed by a fledgling thief she was helping and found herself locked up while Garrison and Jay fucked around, not getting themselves caught by the law. After it was discovered that Ladesa had been sold out and that the mission still needed to go on, Garrison and Jay ‘agreed’ to split up, though it wasn’t much of an agreement. Jay didn’t want to pretend to be Maud’s glorified maid, and Garrison would have much rather been planning an assassination than a jailbreak, but neither of them really cared as long as no one they cared about died.

Unfortunately for Garrison and Ladesa, the Demi-Goddess nearly ate the dirt while being starved and dehydrated in her cell back in the Ironclad Keep. As luck would have it, the guy who went around killing everyone and making gore-sculptures with the remains just so happened to be none other than Odysseus, a personal pet of Herodotus’. It was supposed to be revealed that Odysseus was actually under Herodotus’ control, even while alive, but I just never got around to it. Garrison struggled to even so much as damage Odysseus, but the Minotaur had no qualms with trying to hunt down his adopted son for a nibble on his tasty cakes. Garrison, not being one to die without being tired, grabbed Ladesa and bolted after setting everything on fire. The roof, the roof, the roof eventually caught fire, but the structure didn’t collapse and Odysseus’s bones stayed animated until Garrison joined Jay in a desperate attempt to kill Herodotus.

Actually, let’s rewind a sec. While Garrison was making a mess of his Rescue Op, Jay and Maud were learning just why Herodotus was known as ‘The Dark Tyrant’, and it wasn’t because he dressed in all black. No, Herodotus used raw, pure unsane insanity to kill people to death, but what he hadn’t planned on was someone who was Super Sane being there. Having a natural connection with the Insani-Force gave Jay the control over the force that he needed to quell it, but in the meantime, he had to deal with Herodotus who was a lot more powerful magically, physically, and to a point, mentally. Jay’s only benefits were his own agility, creativity, and Herodotus’ immense arrogance. Thankfully Garrison showed up before Jay could get himself killed, though Garrison’s best shot was useless against the Dark Tyrant. Jay’s little friend, i.e. the Bunker Buster that Max had given him, was more than effective in dispatching the fellow.

Due to some screwy law that Jay liked less and less the more he was reminded of it, he was slated to become Queen of Minosia, though it wasn’t like he could’ve gone back to Equestria anyway after he’d summoned Cain (The Bible guy) and almost got tortured for as close to eternity as you can get. With Jayne, as Cain named her, stuck in Minosia for the time being, Garrison went back to Equestria to let Celestia know that he’d succeeded and to tell Applejack that her lover was resting in the stars. Applejack took the news hard and Garrison took the news that she and Ladesa were lovers nearly as badly. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if Kauku hadn’t punished him for nearly failing the mission, but Demon claws are pretty cool anyway. Guilt ate at him as he found his way to Jolly Junction since he was supposed to be there anyway, eventually finding Maud in his hotel room. Once they reunited, the following month or so was spent avoiding everyone and fucking Maud senseless.

Queen Jayne had her hands full with a bunch of tedious court related bullshit, but there was also the fact that Jayne was a little freaky and started a whole Mommy-Dom thing with Herodotus’ widow, Hermione. The ancient Alicorn was older than Celestia, it was just that she was undead and tended to do things her way, which is why she was the Queen of Cragspire while she let her husband run his side of business. With Hermione’s help, Jayne opened up another avenue for herself to gain power by way of trading her Humanity for the soul of a demon, which was super dope, and it wasn’t actually a Demon. Yokai differ from Demons by way of inherent evilness, or rather, the natural love of sadism. After some troubles with the Naga and a conference with the Cats and Dogs, Jayne cemented her place as a powerhouse in the East while Garrison was building the Thieves’ Guild all over again with plenty of success. However, when he was sent to Serpest for a second mission, he chose to bring along a woman who’d almost mutilated his penis and a lizard man that didn’t like him. Flash Frost had plenty of reasons to bail on the mission and did so without fail, but Amaretta had to do the mission on orders of the crown, despite Garrison practically bullying Celestia around using Jay.

[Now… Now this is where the fun starts, my readers. Save your spot here and come back later or gear up for the summary of your fucking life.]

As Garrison and Amaretta made their way to Serpest, Jayne was sorting out the fine mess she’d made in Minosia, sourced from being lazy and making evil decisions because they were the easiest. At this point in time, Jayne could have fingerfucked Lujei’s eye-sockets. She could have gone back in time and gotten her original body back. She could have stopped Max from dying. Jayne was God, she just didn’t know it because the rules were broken through the floor and back because of Twilight and her setting forth the Grand Finale, the end of the show, the Greatest Curtain Call: The Ragnarall. By forcing an innocent person to serve literally any amount of time in Hell that they didn’t accrue themselves, or otherwise offer to accept, Kauku/Diliculum broke the same set of rules that prevented Max from just up and naming Garrison as his successor. It gets more complicated and convoluted from here, so buckle up.

With Jayne being God of Universe one and Garrison having served more time in Hell than anyone has ever had any right to, Kauku’s war was nearing an end and only three hundred of the original Triple Sixers where still standing when the radioactive cloud cleared. Kauku, having been slain by the Gods in the final battle, phased back into being Twilight/Diliculum rather than the warmonger she had grown to be. After Garrison resurrected and came back from his sabbatical in Hell, he was a changed man, far more appreciative of the smaller things in life while simultaneously being godly in his own right. However, where Jayne was God, Gauche had become the Devil himself, though neither knew at that point. Once Garrison returned to Ynuntu with a vial of Basilisk venom, she then offered to marry him and tried her hardest to capture him. Ynuntu succeeded in making Garrison stay for a couple more days, but he ultimately left, leaving an old woman mad with loneliness. Garrison and Diane were to arrive in Equestria within days of each other, but during the Dripping Daisy Festival (Hallowed Orchid thing), the news that Ynuntu the Youthful has been slain breaks out and Garrison is immediately placed under suspicion by the Naga. Celestia, seeing an opportunity to make a friend in a troubled time, announces that Garrison is officially a fugitive and attempts to capture both him and Maud so that they can be sent to Serpest for their executions.

Diane decides to partner up with Maud to go off the radar while Garrison starts hearing echoes of Hell and the screams of the damned, some of which warn him against falling into their very same fate. Even more accurate than his usual gut feelings, Garrison is able to grow the Thieves’ Guild like never before using the Devil’s Silver Tongue while working in tandem with Jayne to start and finish a war with Equestria that would end with Luna in charge and Celestia being a relic of the past. However, before all that can go down, Aria is lead to Garrison by Amelemme and she pleads with him for his return to Canterlot, but Gauche is quickly running out of empathy, his soul having been tortured beyond repair. In one fell swoop, he slays Aria and sacrifices her to Dissida, which sparked conflict in Godsholm like there had never been seen before. Dissida, Vio (Truth), Furladra, Luxus (Moon), and Stelor fought against the High Council and lost, but when Dissida evoked the bond between herself and Garrison, he came calling with a vengeance and laid waste to Godsholm, leveling the city into flames and ashes. Only the forests and a few temples were left behind, but there was no mistaking that Garrison was now Satan incarnate.

On the flip side, Jayne was slowly becoming more and more picky about how she dealt with things, slowly becoming annoyed with how things just didn’t seem to be natural. Diane heavily dropped hints as much as she could during Jayne’s realization period, but the poor gal just didn’t understand how she was God since she’d never technically died. Diane laid it out for her as plainly as she could get it: Max knew Twilight was going to pull some bullshit, so he thought ahead and planted a seed in the realm beyond the universes. Once the seed grew, Twilight unwittingly placed the soil on top of it and called her craft macaroni, when it was in fact rigatoni made by another. Since Max had never technically stopped being the Omnium, Twilight was doomed to die. Point blank, no afterlife. After all, she’d given her time in Hell to someone else and damned herself to nonexistence, causing anyone who’d ever known her to slowly forget about her. Jayne still didn’t understand what that had to do with her becoming God, so Diane laid it out thusly: “Twilight kill Max, but not really. When Max kill, Max make himself live. When Roxy kill, Twilight fuse with. When Twilight kill Roxy, she also kill Twilight, make Twixy. Twixy kill Diliculum/Kauku. Max come back, less power, more Human. Now no God One. You now God One.”

Jayne was confused, but she did finally get it well enough to access her omniscience and separate herself from Mari, reclaiming the form of Jameson while simultaneously freeing Mari from the shackles of her own shell. There’s only one problem.

Mari is God, Jay is God, and thus their powers are almost completely codependent. However, after the separation, they agree to let the universe do as it will and simply agree to not ask the other to use their power. As such, Jay was much less powerful, but still rivaled the most powerful beings on Equus, his sheer magical aura being enough to knock a Dog or Cat out. Meanwhile Garrison was trying to balance his sadistic ways with his morals and succeeded without question, the guilt in his heart from killing Aria being the wake up call he needed to turn the Crown of Nails into a blessing rather than a curse. Sadly, being the Ultimate Punisher meant that Garrison felt a certain ambition, and that ambition was to conquer the worst corners of every hellhole and turn them into liveable, decent places that wouldn’t make you want to kill yourself within seconds of entry.

Enter Empress Drauhl.

The Broodmother. The First Spawn. The Wolf of Tartarus. Empress Drauhl, one of the last of the legendarily lethal Wolves, learns of Lujei’s death and mourns for her fast friend’s fate, though she’s quick to suss out that Garrison had a hand in the dirty deed. Seeing as how wolves track down people better than horses in most stories, it makes sense for Drauhl to have an easier time catching up to Gauche than Celestia. Garrison and Drauhl duke it out in Jolly Junction, but their fight doesn’t stay limited to one place long. Drauhl, in all her monsterous glory, literally births cannon fodder mid-fight to go attack Garrison, and while Satan himself relishes in the chance to mete out some proper punishment, Garrison weeps over the killing of children, evil as they were. In order to manage to the impossible amount of spawn Drauhl kept releasing, Garrison asked a favor of his old friends the Hellhounds, and they made quick work of their inferior cousins, not having the same qualms as Gauche about killing or feeding from them. Once the horde was managed, Garrison and Drauhl fought a battle with their most advanced Magicks, but in the end it came down fisticuffs for both contestants since there was no one to teach Garrison his true strength. His wounds from the fight were severe when he got them, but within an hour he was more than ready to find Drauhl’s soul in Hell and beat her a little harder. The only thing was that he didn’t know he was Satan and just assumed that he was going mad.

A couple months after Garrison revealed himself to the world and became regarded as a Hero across most countries, Jay managed to talk Celestia down from a total war with the help of Twilight, who’d felt terrible about nearly starting it with her lies in the first place. In an unfortunate turn of events, the day after the peace treaty between Equestria and Minosia is signed, Celestia is assassinated and the finger points most clearly in Jay’s direction due to Celestia vocalizing some aggression toward the ‘new’ King of Minosia. As a blackish man being persecuted for something he didn’t do, Jay had an idea of how to sway the world courts in his favor, but his plan would fall through the second Emperor Yorule, Ruler of Tartarus, stepped through the Grand Court Hall’s door and denounced Jay as both a King and a living being. His claims that Jay was demonic/undead fell through since Jay breathed and his heart did in fact beat, but that wasn’t the important part of the whole situation. The bad thing was the Yorule was Yggragil’s brother and Drauhl’s husband. He already knew that Jay had desecrated his brother’s bones and had therefore summoned his wife’s most annoying friend. And to top it all off, Yorule was under the impression that Jay had killed his wife, even though everyone said it was Garrison.

Literally everyone. Seriously. Even Yorule’s own posse told him that Jay wasn’t Garrison, but the guy was old as fuck and was honestly just mad that his fuckpet died a gruesome, non-rape related death. With that being said, Yorule easily rivaled Jay’s power and then some, which meant that Jay struggled to keep himself alive against a being that could conquer Equus for laughs if he felt the whim arise. The only reason Yorule hadn’t put his name on everything and monopolized life was because he didn’t think things would be as cool that way, and while he was right, it was also that thinking that got his doggy dropped. Unfortunately for Jay, the best shot he had at not dying was to ask for help via Telepathy. The only soul connected to him was Mari since Jay didn’t really have any Mental Magic going for him, but Mari was enough to go and get Garrison to save the day.

When Garrison arrived to Growland, a large icy island to the northeast of Equestria, he found that Jay was clinging onto life as best he could, but Yorule was just handing his ass to him left and right. The Bunker Buster could barely pierce Yorule’s hide, let alone get deep enough for a killshot. Seeing as how that gun was given to Jay by Max, it was pretty much the most powerful attack he had other than scooping out some raw insanity and philandering it somehow. Thankfully Garrison arrived to put a stop to Yorule’s nonsense, but that alone was due to Garrison’s status. Yorule may have been a Lich, one of the demons of the living realm, but Garrison was the King of Demons. The Lord of Death knelt before the guy who just showed up to help a friend out and then was confused. Yorule refused to fight Garrison, but Jay wanted payback for the ass-whooping he’d been handed over the course of the last three days. The problem was that Garrison wasn’t planning on attacking someone who wished him no ill will anytime soon, but then accidentally killed Yorule by gesturing toward him too quickly during the explanation as to why he wasn’t going to kill him. Flung his arm out a little too far and took Yorule’s head clean off, he did. Not with his hand/claw, but with his wing. Garrison bumped his wing with his hand and decapitated the biggest threat to world peace that Equus could think of.

Accidentally.

Jay shot Garrison for making it look so easy, but it didn’t hurt for long since Gauche just healed within a few minutes of the bullet being fired in the first place. With the Grand Court Hall and a good portion of Heulon (The town) destroyed, everyone blamed Jay (again) and Minosia was to be held responsible for the reparations. Jay, not being a pussy, told the World Court that they owed him for killing the biggest threat on the planet, to which they replied with the fact that Garrison had done it. Accidentally. Jay still refused to pay reparations, and with Garrison on his side, there was nothing anyone on the planet could do to either of them, so the World Court cooked up a nasty plot to take them both down in one fell swoop, which is where the whole pot gets screwy again.

Now, Yggragil was the strongest being there had ever been on Equus until Max altered history and inserted Faith. When Faith disappeared after taking down Yggdragil, Yorule ruled for thousands upon thousands of years, but until modern times, that was because he was the strongest. However, when Jay summoned Lujei, she was then the strongest, and she was none too secretive about it. Most of the world’s leaders knew of Lujei one way or another, so when they reached into the deepest depths of society and pulled out their best and worst necromancers, Lujei was their target. Once Lujei was resurrected, Jay felt a disturbance in the force and called Mari back to Minosia to talk strategy. She was of the opinion that they didn't need to team up quite yet, but Jay was doing as much as he could to gear up for the storm everyone, even Garrison, assured him wasn’t coming.

When Lujei came back to life, the effects of the Philosopher’s Philter were still going, but that meant that she basically had to start over. Lujei couldn’t be brought back straight from Hell. No, someone that evil had to be reincarnated, and her vessel just so happened to be a piece of royalty from an ancient bloodline that had fallen from glory. Frieda, also known as Lucretia, as sacrificed in order to reincarnate Lujei, and the power of her bloodline was enough to give the young soul enough juice to take down Garrison some years after conception while he was napping and then subsequently Jameson. Once Satan and God were under control, Lujei, who’d been reincarnated as Vivian (Vivi, the third voice in the middling chapters), basically took over Equestria because the only one standing in her way was Luna, though she also tried barging her way into Hell and Heaven only to be rebuked by The Three Hundred (The remainders of the Triple Sixers) and cursed to only walk the mortal lands, never to see the Afterlife. After a good odd years of captivity, our beloved Max sprung back into action with the aspect he’d created and planted outside of the universal collective.

As Max simultaneously became the first God of the New Collective, he also cut Twixy’s power off and became the last Omnium of the ‘Original’ Collective. However, due to some fuckery on his part, the aspect he’d left behind in the New Collective could operate as a Human and as God without thinking about it, making him much happier with the result than he’d been with any of his previous experiments. In Twixy’s last conscious moments as a God, she holds Max’s hand and gives him a weary smile, seeing that he wasn’t nearly as happy to see her.

Her last words to her husband were, “I’m glad I got to love you, Max. I’m glad I still do.”

His last words to his wife were, “Then that’s a shame, Love.”

The reasoning for his cold, final goodbye to the woman he’d loved for so long was that he’d revered and treasured her for so many lifetimes that he’d seen the disingenuine nature of her smile and heard the words she hadn’t meant to say. What those words were, no living being will ever know, but it was enough to make Max feel the peace he’d sought for so long. Kaid Gadai’s grand finale was intended to be brief like a supernova to a God, but things didn’t quite go as planned with the rescue of Jay and Garrison. Max’s aspect was supposed to simply get rid of Vivi via murdereding her to unlife enough to die to death, but he ended up cannibalizing Vivi’s Magic and getting a soul for himself outside of Max’s whole, basically meaning that there were three Maxs that all looked, sounded, and acted the same for the most part, but none of them could ever possibly meet. After Max freed Jay and Garrison, they caught him up on the things that had been going down to date. After their extended talk dies down, Jay takes Max to Minosia to help him with a cult leader that had been gaining quite the follower in the Middle East/Eastern areas. The cult was of Sodomy and Hedonism and general; all about living life to the fullest and throwing caution to the wind. It wasn’t rare for the cult to party for days on end and leave bodies in their wake with the intake of a dangerous herb known as Jocobee, which wasn’t really a problem until they started kidnapping people to make them party to death.

While Jay and Max handled that, Garrison headed back to Ponyville to see Twilight for a little bit and to check up on Amaretta, who was AWOL as far as Equestria was concerned. Twilight was still mourning the loss of her mentor and surrogate mother while Garrison made it clear that he was rather ambivalent about it. When prompted about his cold demeanor toward the death of Celestia, Garrison could only say that he didn't like her enough to feel bad that she got killed. Seeing as how it didn’t really matter to him, Garrison lost no sleep from the look on Twilight’s face when he said that he didn’t really care about Celestia’s death, but the harsh accusation that he didn’t even care about Aria’s disappearance was enough to elicit a response from Gauche. It was mostly saliva, but it was a response as well. Before Twilight could finish wiping the loogie off of her face, Garrison was flying back to the Guild’s Headquarters to see if they’d earned a presence in Zebnon, the final country on Equus without a Guild HQ. There were Guild members there to be sure, but not a place for them to store swag that wouldn’t get rolled.

Getting back to Jay and Max, Jay himself would be busy managing the politics of Minosian Court and the impending war with the Naga while Max investigated the Cult of Sunshine. The Sunny Boys invited Max to join them for a party while he was still just gathering information, letting the former thief and ex-Prince know that he’d been made. Whether he was out of practice or the cult was that observant, he didn’t know. He was well aware of the fact that it would be his last party should he choose to accept, so Max accepted and allowed them to get him away from public view. Then, by being fast and nimble, Maximus scaled a wall and got away from the Earth Pony and Cat without much trouble. Once he managed to get back to the Ironclad Castle, he let Jay know that the Sunny Boys were onto them and that they needed to find another order of operation. They nearly called Garrison in until they realized that Jay still had the full support of Bite-Back, and it seemed like it was about time to call in the calvary. With the assistance of the rebel group, Jay managed to push the Naga-born cult back to its homeland after executing its leader, Saint Yobbo. Although learning that the cult had been started by one of Ynuntu’s daughters had been no surprise to Jay, he still wanted his pound of flesh for the trouble he’d been put through. Thus began the Minosian-Serpestian war.

With pride comparable to that of even the most ancient of Dragons, the citizens of both Minosia and Serpest called for the war to be fought with only natives of each country, and for Serpest, that wasn’t a problem. With frequent mating seasons and laying eggs in broods, the Naga population was one of the largest on the planet. The Minosians by comparison rarely even had twins, and when they were born, most people took it as a sign of a Cow double-dipping. With the Minosian population being so much smaller than the Naga population and so much of the battlefield being either swamp or marshland, it was a losing battle from the start for the Minotaurs. Sadly for the Naga, Max was alive and well, and boy was he ever feeling useless for not being able to help with the Cult of Sunshine. After countless skirmishes, battles, and ambushes to pad his portfolio of war, Max was the prime candidate to lead Minosia into battle, and lead he did.

While Max was battling it out with Snake Homies, Garrison was having fun with Prince Blueblood as a favor to Luna. Fun may be the wrong word, but Gauche certainly was with Blueblood, and he could have sworn that the Stallion acted like a grown child who’d had his candy stolen. Little did Garrison know that Blueblood’s latest flights of fancy and tendency toward outrage was due to the lack of a certain drug that Celestia had been feeding him since he was an infant in order to prevent the second coming of Yggdragil, which would have been all well and good if Celestia had been alive long enough to see Blueblood’s death. Instead, Garrison was witness to Blueblood’s transformation from a pretty good looking Pony to a thing that probably shouldn’t have been on two walking sticks for its own safety. After the initial possession, Yggdragil fixed his body and made a deal with Garrison; peace for peace. As it turned out, Yggdragil’s original goal, back before Equestria was even Equestria, was to unite all nations under one flag and to create a Council/Senate made up of representatives from certain areas to dictate what was right for each part of the One Nation. Faith, being the victor, wrote history so that Yggdragil’s plan was for the Alicorns to rule the world. As little as God Max liked to do it at the time, Max had slain Yggdragil to quell his brother’s own plots and to bring a temporary peace around that would result in the world actually surviving through that period in time.

With the Ultimate Peacekeeper back to life through nefarious means, Yggdragil went to go talk to Luna about getting everyone together for a nice chat, which is right around the time when Garrison tells him that Old God and New God are currently fighting a war way beneath their statures for some odd reason he’s not sure of. Yggdragil takes the news pretty hard and pretty much gives up right then and there, So Garrison and Luna cheer him up by saying that they’ll start working on getting the leaders of the world together for a treaty, as unlikely as success may have been. Back in Jay’s neck of the woods, Max and his Deathsquad had earned the moniker ‘The Dirge’, due to the popular and completely true rumor that if you heard them, you wouldn’t hear them again. They single handedly turned the tide of the war so that losses were being matched by the enemy, but Minosia was still losing. Not being one to let a good thing go to waste, Jameson looked at all the good things he had, made some more, and strapped them to himself on a march to a battlefield. He took ten Bulls as witnesses, and not a single one of them had to draw their blade. Jay had made a gatling gun with a belt-mag that could be fed into the dirt, using stones and compressed soil as ammunition to mow down the Naga that were swarming through the trees. By the time Jay himself had fought his own part of the war, twelve hundred Naga lay dead in the No Man’s Land between Serpest and Minosia. As a reply for the Massacre of Bog Reach, the Naga sent in extra-Naga mercenaries and target the three largest orphanages in Minosia. What Ghena, the current Queen of Serpest, hadn’t counted on was that Jay was easily the most creative and capable custodian in the East. Her mercenaries may have been tough mentally and physically, but under Jay’s Artifact Trasconversion Device, none of them stood so much as a chance of keeping a kiss with a cousin secret, let alone the true identity of their employer.

Jay took his evidence to the World Court, but even Luna had a hard time siding with him. A tortured man would say anything, and Cats were notoriously quick to lie, so Jameson confessed to one thing. Jameson said that there was only one thing he could never forgive, and that was the murder of a child. It took seven shots from his Glock Twenty before anyone so much as made a move for exit, and even then it was made clear that Jameson wasn’t done. In front of every leader in the world, Jay executed Ghena, cut her head off, and drove it onto one of the pointy bits of his chair. Covered in blood and shaking with fury, Jameson made one thing very clear, and that was the simple fact that children were not to be abused mentally, physically, or sexually on his lands. The result would be a death similar to Ghena’s and heads would be mounted. The Dogs of the Grand Council were too afraid to act. Bast, while not brainwashed by Jay anymore, knew that he wouldn’t have acted unless it was necessary. High King Azyre, for the first time in recorded history, laughed as the dust settled and pledged loyalty to Jay for loyalty in turn. Luna couldn’t find a reason to be on the opposite side of a being who’d gone toe-to-toe with Yorule for days on end and the eldest being she could find on a consistent basis, so she sided with Jay and pledged loyalty. Many of the lesser clans and minor countries either sided with Jay or against him, some abstained from voting at all. At the end of the day, it was decided that the Naga had broken the rules of engagement and would have to pay reparations to date, but the next leader for the Naga, Ynuntu’s son Harnut, Fought valiantly against the charges being levelled against his nation. It was looking like a world war was about to break out since the mediators and most of the ruling parties had lost all semblance of composure.

There really wasn’t a better time for The Hero of Equus to arrive with The Scourge of Equus. Nor was there better comedic timing since someone threw a donut and it landed perfectly on Yggdragil’s horn. Thoroughly embarrassed, the ancient being made a case for global unity and it seemed to go over pretty well with the vast majority of people until King Heinrich of the Griffins asked who the man behind the plan was. Once Yggdragil learned just how ruined his name was via fire-breath from Azyre, Garrison backed him up and advocated for peace himself. Jay then through his hat into the ring, saying that Gauche was a friend to beat all others. With many scraps and challenges behind them, Jay and Gauche lead the charge and threaten worldwide anarchy if they don’t get their way via Bite-Back and The Guild, both of which the men had risen to prominent honorary ranks. Their oath was not idle, and thus began the Pax Humana.

In other words, Garrison and Jay had fallen right into God Max’s trap, which was to bring peace to Equus without wiping out the Pantheon. The Terran Pantheon was already in pieces, but the Equestrian Pantheon was none too fond about two people that weren’t even from their planet coming in and changing things. In an attempt to wrest control away from Jay and Mari, the majority of the Equestrian Pantheon agreed to kidnap Mari and force Jay to kill himself to save her. The only thing was that they couldn’t actually cause harm to Mari without immediately being flagged across the collective as Insubordinates, so they did the best they could and had Discord work his Magic on her mind so that she would walk into a trap rather than being caught with a burlap sack. When Mari left Equus’ Mortal Plane, Jay felt it, but didn’t feel like dealing with it since he knew it was about to be a whole kerfuffle.

Garrison, happily retired and slowly learning about being Satan, got another call from Jay to help clean up a mess that he didn’t really want to answer, but a friend in need is a friend indeed, so Gauche parted with his lovely, horny wife and made Jameson get off his lazy ass to help find her. Max offered to go along for shits and giggles, and with Diane holding the fort for Jay, the band was back together and they were prepping for something big. The journey to Equestria’s Heaven wasn’t arduous at all, but Max did technically die a time or two during the ascension, which made him stronger due to the scarring of his soul. It didn’t make sense to anyone other than Jay, and Jay was crazier than a rabid fox on pcp.

The trio entered heaven with little in the way of expectations, but they were soon greeted by six very familiar faces that were… Um… Shit bruh, nobody knew how to feel. On one hand, Milf Twilight, Milf Applejack, and Milf Rainbow Dash all wanted to just let things be, but Milf Pinkie was out for blood and Milf Rarity wanted to wash her hands of the whole ordeal and call the other lowercase G gods to gang up on Max, Jay, and Garrison. Gauche, being the literal Devil, had his tongue dipped in silver upon coronation (Literally. Tasted like a peppermint patty) and talked his way into the good graces of a group of girls in an alternate realm.

[I just now realized that bullshit worked twice and I’m the one who wrote it, but it does tickle me fuckin’ pink.]

With the Godly Gals, it was all or nothing, and the majority of them wanted the boys alive. Pinkie wasn’t happy about it and nearly went whining to the CoATiP (Council of All That is Pink) before Diane caught her on her travels and cannibalized her in secret, regaining her Pinkie Powers, just not the crazy hair. With Diane taking New Pinkie’s place and no one noticing the switch besides Jay, it was smooth sailing. The search for Mari was over quickly, but the powerhouse trio had defaulted to doing things the stealthy way when they actually wanted to bust the doors down guns blazing. Jameson had a few guns to blaze and Garrison had one for himself, but Max had never actually held a pistol and nearly shot himself in the foot before Jay took the danger away from him. Once the fighting force of the Equestrian gods gathered, Max and Jay hit the deck so Garrison could loose one of his most devastating area-of-effect attacks; the Obsidian Ossuary. A flap of his wings sent feathers as sharp as shards of obsidian into the gods and outright killed a good number of them. Jay then unleashed his latest machination, the Lil Mac Hori. It spat faster than Twista and was twice as lethal with his flow, finishing off the stragglers that Garrison had left behind. The ones who’d had time to give up were spared and Mari was freed long enough to give Jay a hug as thanks and to look Garrison in the eye before imploding, taking Jay’s left arm and leg along with her.

The effect was immediate. Jay disappeared to go be trained as God and Gauche had some punishing to do. Max was invited into Hell, but declined to go since his last trip had been pretty awful and would no doubt bring up bad memories. On the plus side, Max siphoned off plenty of Magic from dead gods, so he himself was a lowercase g again. However, instead of just keeping the power, Max convinced himself that he was no longer needed and did all he could do with his power. In one massive spectacle of Magical Fission, Max gave life to a new race on Equus that could brave the harsh lands of the poles and tundras, naming them the Kincaidas. Garrison had no idea what had happened, but Jay felt the new race being born from his classroom, which was oddly enough being led by Gary Coleman. Then Dwayne Johnson. And Helen Mirren. That’s not even mentioning that Doris Day somehow got mixed in there, but the result was the same; Max had finally died. Dedded. The closest thing to Max was and forever will be kaput. The Max that exists in the pocket world Diliculum created acts very similarly to Max, but cannot kill.

Now that the last official Omnium was laid to rest, the clock was ticking for the ‘Original’ Universal Collective. Gods were dying in mere septillions of years, burning out faster and faster until their universes fizzled out. Jay and Garrison, however, wanted to get the afterlives that they’d earned and refused to go down without a fight, so with the ambient power that was ebbing and flowing through the Blackness, Jay wrote himself a rune. Garrison, in the meantime, figured out that Hell is eternal. As in Hell was the first Universal Collective, and the shitstorm it turned into? The result of the First War. It took some digging for Satan to find out that he was in charge of beings that had been there when time began, and that doesn’t mean when Universe one reset. That means that when all things were being created, when the Bigness was Banging, they were some of the first ones to realize what had just happened. They may not have been the first created, but a good number of them were damn close. The only reason that they weren’t as powerful as God Max or even Garrison was because they weren’t alive. Stepping foot in Hell means, in all intents and purposes, that you are dead. You cannot step out of Hell without your time being up, God saying you can leave, or Satan kicking you out. The Demons that were older than Max had chosen to remain in Hell since they actually liked it and stuff. It wasn’t all that bad if you weren’t one of the people being tortured, so Garrison went back to Equus and had a long chat with Maud. On one hand, she’d be leaving behind everything she knew and loved. On the other, she’d be living for eternity without suffering in Hell.

In the end, Maud denied Garrison’s offer and left him to return to Jay, hoping that the new rune could save the day. Upon arrival, Gauche quickly learned that Jay’s runes were phonetically similar to Varic, so he helped the guy who made up the language with syntax and diction. It was actually pretty amusing to the two of them and brought some much needed levity to the fact that their scribbles would only save one world out of the innumerable planets in that Parallel alone. With heavy hearts, Jay and Gauche sacrificed their accrued holy/unholy powers to perma-press Equus into the fabric of the universe, essentially creating a ‘divot’ in reality large enough to hide Equus. When Jay and Gauche looked at each other as they’d originally been, they laughed. It was so ridiculous for them to see the other without the aura, without the power, without all the extra majesty that it was just something unbearably funny.

The story ends as such:

✮☬✮☬✮☬✮

Jameson looked at his partner as the rune faded, its ethereal light giving way to the natural glow of the sun. Both men were exhausted mentally and physically; something neither of them had felt in a long time. It took Jay a moment to realize that his vision was foggy: he needed his glasses to see again. Anxiety drummed on his heartstrings, resonating deep within him until Garrison cracked a crooked smile, his eyes green again and his face no longer snow-white. He didn’t need a mirror to know that his own eyes would be the same dookie brown, and that his hair would still be danger-dookie brown. Gauche took a moment to examine his hands, obviously trying to transform them. He seemed to have no luck.

“... Holy shit,” Gauche breathed.

Jay felt for a disturbance in the Rift. There was nothing. “... We’re… We’re alone out here, man.”

They looked at each other and laughed one last time.

“Now who comes to save our arses? Max is dead, Twilight’s dead, and we’re shit out of juice.”

Jameson shook his head, grinning as if he knew something Gauche didn’t. “That’s the thing man. No more Gods. No more Demons. No more worlds… This is it.”

They looked at each other for a few seconds. Then at the rune beneath their feet. 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000Garrison held out a hand. “Then this is it, isn’t it? For now at least.”

Jay snorted. “Please. Imma be botherin’ your pasty ass from across the globe and you know it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you will. You’ll keep in touch, right?”

Jameson took his hand. “Don’t worry ‘bout me keepin’ in touch, I’m worried about you and your forgetful ass.”

“Oh, ha-ha! You try living this long and keeping shit straight!”

“Whatever Gramps. Take care, alright?”

“Farewell, friend. May no one guide your path.”

“... May no one guide your path.”

Notes: Beginning

A Thief's Tale: The Road To Penance

✮☬

Ω✮

Ω☬

Second: Jay

Right Hand: Ladesa

Left Hand:

Grifter:

Treasurer: Furladra

Ambassador

✯☾Ω☽✯ Max-Blue and Silver

₪ღ✮ღ₪ Jay 1✔

✧❖☬❖✧ Garrison 311

⋬⍦⊛⍦⋭ Twilight ⋬❈⊛❈⋭

Universe One: Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M

Garrison's Powers/EQ:

Shadowmeald

Mind Reading

Accelerated Healing

-

Right Breast: Brand: Wind Magic

Left Breast: Vio tattoo

-

Soldado das Chamas: Soldier of the Flames

Varas Tuuli: The Wind Thief

Quarterstaff: Doug

Lever-Pistol: Pamaus

Pistol Crossbow: Timothy

Bowie Knife: Carey

Stealth Lacquered leather -X- plate mail

Jameson's Powers/EQ:

Super Sane Sight

Nether Vision/Dark Vision

Rune Engraving

Raise Undead (Up to Draugr Herald) _Causes Nausea

Can raise tank -or- horde

Hemokinesis (Blood bullets) _Causes Lightheadedness_ Needs to be used swiftly or cleverly.

Bunker Buster- .60 Cal Hand Cannon (3 Round)

Filthy Jerry- .44 Cal Six Shooter

Glock 20- 10mm 15 rounds

Flitch; Eversharp, Penetrate, Hot-Haunt, (Catherine's Catalyst)

Pentacle ring: Nullifies some magic

Pentacle Pendant: Absorbs and releases magic

Max's picture-changing locket Catalyst

Okthus the Soulbreaker-Cursed Axe

Garrison 'Gauche Suede' Varas from Capersport, Avalesce (Thieves Guild)

-Laspone (Guilda de Ladri)Italian -Fechere (Guilde de Volours)French -Guerma (Daozei Gonghui)Chinese

-Denos/Mothica (Diewe Gilde)Afrikaans -Thesuvia(Diebesgilde)German -Birre'Scha (Yelebochi Budini)Amharic

-Flistis (Gremio de Ladrones)Spanish -Gerritt(Andfangol Frygyld) Old English -Tsuka (Urdd y Lladron)Welsh

Amestris

Gods of Choice:

Furladra: Finnish-Thieves, Merchants, Travelers, Doctors

Amelemme:- French compassion Love.

Fortaleza: Galician=Strength.

Dissida- Portuguese War and Chaos

Zdenek- Death and Peace

Luxus and Lewwy- God Moon and Goddess Sun

Jus- God of (Harvest and Edible Flora)

Xana- Goddess of Happiness and Rage.

Sylphis- God/Goddess Sex and Fertility

Stelor- God of Hunters, Poachers, Trappers, and Beastmasters.

Trike: God of Honor, Glory, Fame, and Fortune

Vio: God of Truth, Lies, Honesty, and Deceit

Lyca: (Gujarati) Goddess of Fauna, tamed/wild.

Igrael: Goddess of Smiths and Artisans.

Rhoa: God of Darkness and Shadows

Hypraedes: God of Dreams and Reality

Panui: Goddess of Life and Order

Vulmega: (Hebrew)

Vulpha: (Hebrew)

Vulta: (Hebrew)

Demi-Gods:

Ladesa

Ki-Aria

The Sun, Equis, Sesa, Duvot, Sigmis, Threshstar; the planets of Solstice Circle

Characters: Equis

Maudileena Daisy Pie

Twilight Sparkle

Diana De Luna

Celestia De Sola

Fluttershy

Applejack

Pinkamena Diane Pie

Schrade: Griffin Ringleader.

Herocul/Steely: Minotaur Prince.

Elfrieda 'Frieda' Fraula: Griffin Lieutenant.

Irone: Minotaur Doorman

Maud: Underboss

Perse: Smith

Metal Frost: Stallion under Perse

Brutal Bash: Small Arms Instructor

Festus: Lead Armorer, Lead Smith when asked.

Kerrick: Griffin Underboss

Odysseus Xysma: Minotaur Quarter Chief

Zggarath: Bite-Back Dragon.

Gopher: Bite-Back Grey Market Merchant.

Gevet: Bite-Back Naga.

Dalia: Bite-Back Griffin

Verdandi: This World's Matron

Shade Rose (Fluttershy's Alternate)

Amaretta

Sunshower

Tecorr (Bite-Back Baboon)

Jay's cabinet

Theseus (Cowardly Ironclad Archiver)

Midas (Honorable Archmage)

Ligre (Basilian Panther)

Oedipus (Minotaur Co-Guard Captain)

Persephone (Minister of Agriculture)

Helio Centra (Weather Mare MAnager)

Jorr (Great Sands Cat MST)

Leonidas (MST)

Epeius (Infrastructure Minister)

Helen (PR Minister)

Characters: Terra

Vex (Varas) 3

Desmond (Varas) 1

Mercer (Varas) 2

Felt (Varas) 4

Flint (Varas Seafarer) 5

Sinthia (Scaphist) (Former Varas)

Aria (Wasted)

Isla (Former Girlfriend)

Rebecca (Former Girlfriend)

Heather (Former Girlfriend)

Stephan: (Garrison's Gadai)

The Guild: Garrison, Luna/Jayne

Maud

Jules (Tom Former-Ranger)

Hedgewick (Male Hippogriff Former-Ranger)

Broad Head (Buffalo Brave Female. Likes to hit Maud.)

Gretel (Mollyhen Former-Ranger. Severe Sweet Tooth like her twin brother.)

Hansel (Tomcock Former-Ranger. Severe sweet tooth.)

Calikat

Teddison (Tomcock from Bite-back)

Guild Affiliates:

The Circuit

Manehattan Markdown Mafia

Fruit Family Mafia

Canterlot Casing Crew

Equestria: Grydrien: Crystal Kingdom

Draconia: Pawsine: Serpest:'

The Great Sands Minosia

Places:

1:Minosia; The Ironclad Keep; King Herodotus

Grey Grotto

The Catacombs

Swamp

2:Grydrien: King Heinrich and Queen Isla

3:The Great Sands- Queen Bast

The Wyld Jungles: The Wyld Lyres

4:Pawsine- The Grand Council

5:Equestria- Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight

6:Draconia- High King Azyre the Voiceless

7:Sepest- Reigning Supreme Ynuntu the Youthful (Female)

[Tartaric Countries]

8:Moudar- Grand Duke Grogar Ponylike/Satyr/Centaur/Cyclops

9:The Black Waste- Archduchess Nytemaire Werewolves/Vampires/Rogue Revenants/Liches

10:Cragspire- Hades and Hermione Red-Skins/Flamers/The Rotten/Frots

11:Sub-Naught- Lady Hroar

12:Eden- Adenneda

13: Homelund- Yorule

[Lesser Nations]

Turkine: Ground Dwelling Fowl

Shadbase: Oceanic National Alliance

Ursur: Bears, Reindeer, Moose

Avian Avenue: City-State only accessible to those who can fly.

Ponies=/= Naga, Dogs, Minotaurs

Dragons=/= Naga, Dogs, Cats, Minotaurs

Griffins/Hippogriffs=/= Dogs

Naga=/= Dragons, Cats, Ponies, Dragons

Dogs=/= Cats, Griffins, Ponies (Admire old Dragons)

Cats=/= Dogs, Naga, Dragons, Minotaurs

Minotaurs=/= Ponies, Dragons, Cats

Types of Extra-Bodily forms

1: Aspect (Gods only)

2: Aetera

3: Astral

4: Enigmal

5: Vettel

6: Anima/Soul

7: Aethereal

8: Ethereal

9: Parlayer

10: Shell+

11: Base Form (Empty)

12: Shell

Bite-Back Syndicate:

Top Dog, Consigliere, Quarter Chief, Under-boss, Division head, Cell Leader, and Lieutenant

Undead Ranks: (Grand Queen Matches Celestia)(Supreme Emperor triples Celestia)

Non-Summon-able+

-1/2

Supreme Empreror- Yorule the Eldritch (Dark Mage Ifrit)

Empress- Drauhl (Moonbourne Werewolf/Pit Bull)

-3/4

Grand Queen- Hermione of Equinis (Two Eras before Equestria)(Lich)

King- Herodotus (Dun dun Dun!!!!!!!!!!!)

-5/6

Archduchess- Nytemaire (Eldritch Vampire)

Charred Archduke- Brom the Blooded (Ancient Vampire)

-7/8/9

Black Duke/Dutchess (Grogar-)

Black Lord/Lady

Ashen Lord/Lady (Chartreuse Grande)

-10

Grey Count/Countess

Greater/Middling/Lesser/Common-> Undead Ranks

Death Lord (Basically Lujei)

Lich (Grand Arcana)

Revenant (Physical Boost+Arcana)

Harbinger/Herald (G/M,L/C)

Priest (Pure Arcana)

Rookshank (Alchemy+Arcana)

Wraith

Banshee/Siren (G/M,L/C)

Spellblade/Spellsword (G/M,L/C)

Knight

Scourge

Necrotite (Undead with full mental capacity, but no recognizable power.)

Squire

Skeleton

-

Types of Undead:

Mortalon (Innate Arcana+Power, Innate Knowledge, Artifact Wielding)

Moudrea (Innate Power+Knowledge of Power)

Minilus (Innate Power)

Monneck (Magically inept, but high ranking Undead)

Summoner

Caster

Golem

Assassin/Knight

Zombiter (Infectious)

Shambler (Murderous)

Zombie (Walking Dead)

Wargs/Warglings (Canine lard-beasts)

Dallos (Feline beings that constantly decay)

Animal Familiar

Slice Mice

Typical Coven Hierarchy:

Master: King/Queen of the Coven; Anyone who can hold the throne.

Council Elder: A Vampire of at least five hundred years

Council Member: A Vampire that has lived over two centuries and isn't an idiot.

Pure Blood: Striker/Defender/Assassin/ Dark\Black\Blood-Caster; Abilities depend on Archetype

Sanctum Guardian: Especially strong Vampires without specialized assignments.

Hunter: An average Vampire, converted with no issues.

Total Convert: Was born with a magically mutagenic gene that reacts to Sanguinis Vampiricus. Causes a special power to arise, MPD,

Thrall: A Half-Vampire with the mental and sensory acuity of a PB. Rarely needs to feed

Peon: A Half-Blooded Vampire with the raw strength, sight, and olfactory sense of a PB. Must feed bi-nightly

Fledgling: Stronger than a Peon in most cases, but with lower than average intelligence and a heightened lust for blood.

Gulle: The result of a Thrall introducing their blood and venom into a non-Vampire. Named for becoming 'gullible' for their Creator

Familiars

BATS

Swindler: A Non-Vampire with red eyes.

Dunce: An abomination that occurs from Vampires who refuse to feed.

Dervish: An abomination that forms from a Vampire drinking tainted blood. No one knows what exactly the taint is. Highly dangerous and uncontrollable.

Council's Of All That Lives

Red (Pinkies)

Yellow (Ol' Yellers)

Orange (Carnatas)

Green (Foamelites)

Blue (Tealers)

Purple (Violess)

Black (Graylens)

White (Endless Nameless)

Priest/Priestess Ranks

Ao -Rank 7

Su -Rank 6

Ki -Rank 5

Ha -Rank 4

Su-lu -Rank 3

Do -Rank 2

Wa -Rank 1

I watered the seeds of mutiny. Done

I fanned the coals of war. Done.

I drove an old woman mad with loneliness.

I blessed the eldest whore. Martyr

I made a saint into a sinner.

I comforted the darkest evil known

I stole a grown child's candy

I set a trap for all but the worthiest.

Applejack's Lesson: God's plans aren't always going to leave everyone happy.

Have someone kick Twilight.

Furladra sell Gauche's soul to Dissida to return Ladesa to the Heavens.

0-Series: Jumba's test batch, including many household helpers.

1-Series: Civic disturbances.

2-Series: Technological and scientific.

3-Series: Psychological.

4-Series: Military.

5-Series: Elemental manipulators.

6-Series: Battlefield or doomsday experiments with galactic implications and world-ending properties.

One-Zero-Eight: Felsh: Goofy Hero Central

Random Stuff:

Deskit: potent aphrodisiac, not unlike scopolamine

Opus: Morphine-like healing aid

Phedra: Bone mender

Blackspeech;

Orbiting Ding down yes : Conquer Equestria

Dripping Orchids drain deeper yes : Collect the nectar of the Hallowed Orchids

Old living dead yes : Slay Yorule

Must Outplay Life's Death Yes : Prevent Lujei from consuming Ithaca

My Brother’s Keeper

☾✯☾۞☽✯☽

₪ღ✮ღ₪ Jay

✯☾Ω☽✯ Max

✧❖☬❖✧ Garrison

Jameson Maxwell Underwood

Tyler Tiberius Tydeman

Maxronomicon:

The Edict

The Five Absolutes: Rape, Cold Blooded Murder, Blackmail, Slaving, Being Especially Stupid.

MAx is 2 quintillion years old

Ranks:

S Base: 1500

A- [A] A+ AA AAA Base: 500

B- B+ BB Base: 350

C- [C] C+ CC Base: 130

D- [D] D+ DD Base: 70

E- [E] E+ EE Base: 35

[F] FF FFF Base: 15

(G) Worthless.

Jay's 'Hand'

Joker: Affection and affirmation :Gone: 2 turns

Ace: Tender caresses and comforting words :Active

King: Stupid shit :Damaged

Queen: Peaceable negotiations :Active

Jack: Female shit :Severely Damaged

Ten: Silence/Dopey Smile :Active

Two: Shoot everything. :Active

Everyone tastes like liquor.

Armaments of Amity

Twilight (Wine) [Sleipnir] {Insane Princess}

Applejack (Applejack) [Tiger] {Mafia Matriarch}

Fluttershy (Kahlua) [Monster Bat] {Vampire Countess}

Rarity (White Wine) [Nothing] {Monster Hunter/Helsinger}

Rainbow (Blueberry Vodka) [Baboon] {Commando}

Pinkie (Bubblegum Schnopps) {Despair] {Clairvoyant}

Celestia (White Cherry White Lightning) [Ancient Dragon]

Luna (Blue Raspberry Everclear) [Ancient Dragon]

Cadance (Strawberry Daquiri) [Roc]

Shining Armor

Granny Smith

Tea Leaf (Coffee Cup)

Nimbo Stratus (Strats)

Clear Skies

Mrs. Cake

Mr. Cake

Tender Touch

Nurse Redheart

Sweetie Belle

Apple Bloom

Mayor Mary

Fruit Loop

Wrought Iron

Ginger Root

Lily Lilac

Arkaid- Arkaidites:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Medeic ME/IC/MU~ Arcadia-Arcadians:

-Magiville, The Coffee Pot, Cafe Brulee, Sliced Thin, West-to-East, Chateau Foie Gras

-Encantia,

-Dirksdale,

-Aeriopolis,

-Minceton,

-Cali,

Medeic ME/IC~ Zgaria- Zgarians

Mundusiac ME/MU~ Nullord- Nullordites/Nullordians

Mundusiac IC/MU ~ Tsuka- Kasu

Icaric IC/ME~ Hael- Haeledes

Icaric~ Lamuta- Lamutans

Mundusian~ Tenotia~ Tenotites

Medeic~ Argos~ Argons

Dragonic~ D' Arva- Vorats (Slur) D' Arvans

Artificery:

ATD (Artifact Transconversion Device) Artificer's Engraver

Flowbound ATD: Allows full Magic infusion.

Conduce Crystal+Grapht Wood

Modrune: Modifiable runes

Runeset: Like a modrune, but is actually multiple runes. Requires an Open Rune.

Set Rune: A pre-loaded, basic rune.

Reloadable Rune: As the name implies.

Blood Rune: Carved into flesh or painted in blood. Partially Blood Magic, always has consequences.

The Artificer's Handbook: Tips and Tricks

Applied Artificery: Common Runes

The Artificers Curse: The Princess' Armorer: History and Instruction.

Runic Transfusion: Passing Down Legends

Artificery For Dummies: Runes That WILL Come Along

Terms:

C-RAN's: Conventional Runic-Alpha-Numerics (SP/Lu RC's)

RC: Rune Cipher- Not all Runes are Worth the same amount, though ^5-6-8 are better in general. 9 is tricky, but POWERFUL

1 Sola-Phestus; Pioneered By the Sola and Hephaestus Families

2 Lutorah; Pioneered by the Luno Family

3 Equivocoatia: The Alchemical alphabet and language

4 Phulcore; Blood Runes pioneered by Mortals

5 Fraust; Blood Runes pioneered by Vampires

6 Ultima Umbra: Dark Magic Runes

7 Tweek-Speeke; Jay's Super-Sanity based RC

8 Tartaricka; Demonic Runes, generally requiring a life as sacrifice (Circumvented by obvious means)

9 Ædar; Aetherial Runes

10 KaMaT; Kaid, Max, and Twilight's decatillion-year project. The perfect, universally understood written Alphabet

As you can see, there’s a lot of shit I thought of that I didn’t even come close to using in the story, and that’s not even counting the lost shit from Road to Redemption, the page from Redux, or the original shit for Quoth The Wendigo.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Alright, now go read a real fuicking book you nerd.

Author's Note

What can I say except it's officially over? I know for damn sure that the story would have neded nowhere near where I wanted it to end because that's just not how I do. IF you have further questions, leave comments and I'll address them eventually. For the time being, I'm still looking for a new site to post my writing, though I'll be lookin g at Arc hiveOfOurOwn soon enough. If I get a damn invitation, that is.

Prologue

A Thief’s Tale: The Road To Penance

Prologue

Garrison hopped over the rooftops with a well practiced ease, his skills having been hard fought and well founded in natural talent. He was born into his craft like no one before him, save for the mythical ones such as Goemon, Arsene or Robin Hood themselves. No, Garrison ‘Gauche Suede’ Varas was currently the best in the world at his craft, and my watchful eye was well aware of this while it’s quarry was not. The thief felt a prickle along the back of his neck as he hopped down from a rooftop onto a balcony, but he didn’t know where exactly to place the feeling. He knew something was up; his ‘sixth sense’, if you will, made his stomach clench and his canine teeth ache. It’s not like he was a Vampire, or even one of the lunatics in the silly Brotherhood of Alucard, but he did have a tendency to rip a throat or two out with his teeth when the situation called for it. The one time he’d been caught in his entire life, that dirty little trick had saved him, and ever since it had alerted him so some kind of impending threat.

It was not a feeling to be taken lightly.

The last time Garrison ignored his instincts, he was honeypotted by a buxom Scotswoman with fiery red hair and curvaceous hips for the promise of settling down and finding decent work as a locksmith (Having so much practice picking them gave him a certain understanding with them), and with such work in mind, Garrison had been stricken to find that Isla had been waiting for him to move in with her so she could set an ambush and take out the man who had robbed her father of a precious heirloom called The Eye of Horus; an artifact that had been entrusted to him by a league of assassins going by the name of Penance. The worst part of the situation was that Penance had hired Garrison multiple times over the years for non-lethal missions, and they were the ones who hired him to steal The Eye of Horus.

Sadly for Isla and her incompetent brothers, their ‘prey’ was on a different level of physicality, pure wit, and a certain savviness with escape scenarios that not of them stood a chance of catching him. It didn’t really help them at all that their plan of throwing a net on him failed completely when he walked through the front door backfired because he came in through the second story of their townhouse and heard them discussing their plan to kill him. It’d hurt beyond pain’s meaning in simple words that Isla, the woman he’d devoted his heart to for four years, was trying to kill him for a setup that he’d been unaware of until he heard her and her brothers talking. Garrison swore to Furladra, the God of Thieves, Travelers, Merchants, and Scribes, that he would amass more wealth and settle down on his own one day. He then swore to Amelemme, the Goddess of Love, Matrimony, and Healing, that he would stick his fist into her mythically all-engulfing quim and punch her womb.

Needless to to say, Garrion preferred to keep his dealings non-lethal, so he only threw four of his Joke Trochs down the stairs and waited for the idiots to walk into the caustic gas. Soon enough, the six siblings had to vacate the first floor of the house with four of them bolting outside and two of them, one of them being Isla and the other being her youngest brother at the age of fifteen, came straight into Garrison’s reach. Isla was shoved aside to be dealt with later while her brother, Patrick, was knocked out in one swift punch and was left on the stairwell, out of the Irritant Grenade’s range. Once he was settled, Garrison turned his attention to Isla who was crawling away while trying to catch her breath, but the deft kick into her side hindered her progress a little. Garrison was fresh out of pity, but he did have mercy, so the worst he did to her was slice off the bountiful waves and locks that had grown down to her waist.

That was the last time the master thief let his guard down, and it was because of love. After learning his lesson among many others that he’d seen others learn or experienced first-hand in his life, Garrison knew that he needed to get out of the public eye and into a safehouse as soon as possible, so he picked the lock of the door of the balcony and slipped inside to get the prying eyes off of him. Sneaking through the cramped tenement was less than child’s play, and getting down to the second story to continue his escapade was even easier. However, even as he snuck his way through the ramshackle structure, he felt as though he was being followed. The feeling was more than unpleasant. Rarely could anyone tail Garrison. Period. His ‘routes’ were unorthodox at best, and his usual speed made him hard to follow, so he was perplexed as to how someone was managing to keep up with him and even manage to manage to not be spotted by him any of the times he stopped and doubled back through a different route.

It was irritating him more and more to feel my gaze upon him, but I knew that it wasn’t in his best interest to meet me quite yet. No, I let Garrison do his running as I did my whispering, my little machinations sliding into place as he ran closer and closer to the most central point of the pitiful ley-lines in his world. Magic was all but nonexistent on Terra, but Garrison was one of my Chosen that were allowed to have a handful of the most valuable thing in the world. It had served him well as he used it passably, but when a flash of light stole Garrion Varas from his world, only I and a select few knew why he was gone.

✧❖☬❖✧ 0

Twilight rubbed her hands together in anticipation for her latest summoning. With her ridiculously large pool of Alicorn Magic bubbling and boiling for her to find a student to share her knowledge with, she could practically feel the excitement from the tips of her hooves to the very top of her head. The summoning circle had been double checked, quadruple checked, and then for fun, sextuple checked because Twilight had nothing better to do than to make sure that her experiment came out okay, and she was slightly immature enough to get a kick out of ‘sex’tuple. With her experiment put together in all the write ways, it was just down to Spike grabbing the right ingredients and they could be underway.

Spykoranuvellitar, or Spike for short, came down the stairs to Twilight basement slash laboratory post haste. “Alright Twilight, I got the manticore claw powder, the Poison Joke extract oil, the Alicorn of a rogue… Unicorn… Twilight, what do we need this stuff for again?” The teenage Drake asked carefully.

Twilight gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Spike. Zecora only gets her supplies from willing ponies and the land, so don’t go and feel like we’re doing something we’re not supposed to be doing. Princ- Er, Celestia herself told me that we were sanctioned for the summoning since I have the authority for it now.”

“Right… Are you sure I can’t sit this one-”

“Don’t be a knuckle-dragger, Spike! This is for Magic’s sake!”

Spike looked at Twilight like she was crazy. “You realize that every time you say something like that, stuff starts going wrong, right? Like, there was the Want-It-Need-It spell, the whole Parasprite debacle the second time they came around, your solution to Trixie’s Magic duel when she grabbed the Half-Moon Mirror-”

Twilight flushed. “Hey! The last one was her fault!”

“It was your stripping spell that cost that poor mare her modesty, Twilight.”

“I didn’t know that the shield would scatter images and stick them to flat surfaces if you used a reactive spell instead of an active one!” She protested. “How was I supposed to know that Trixie was going au naturale at that!?”

Spike blushed at that one. “I don’t think anypony was expecting that.”

“Pervert.” Twilight nagged.

“I didn’t even look! How am I the pervert when you’re the one making ponies strip!?”

“You just are, so shush and put the reagents in the middle of the rune circle already.” Twilight huffed.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Score a million for younger siblings, score five for elder buttheads.”

“Do you really want to go there?” Twilight asked drolly.

Spike held the bowl of separated ingredients aloft in a single hand, smirking at Twilight. “Go first. I dare you.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “... That’s not fair.”

“It’s totally fair. And since the dare was declared and you’re gonna forfeit because you’re not mean,” He held the bowl out to her, “you get to risk your own hide for once.”

His big sister gave him a dirty look as she took the bowl from him and stuck out her tongue. “Fartsniffer.”

“Buttmunch.”

They glared at each other for a few seconds before breaking out into mirthful little giggles and performing a special handshake that only they and Shining Armor, the former Captain of the Canterlot Guard and eldest sibling of the noble and honored Twilight Family, knew about. Even if two of the three siblings hadn’t been given royal titles, they still would have been members of one of the most prestigious families in Canterlot. As such, they followed a code of honor that wouldn’t allow them to renege on their word, though they sometimes needed practice on some of the finer details of behaving with nobility in mind. They took a far more casual approach to it than their older brother, but Twilight still accepted her loss with grace and just so happened to be the one who got stuck inside of the rune circle.

Twilight set the bowl down in the center of the circle, blissfully unaware of the fact that there had been leftover magic in the powdered Unicorn horn that sample that Spike had gotten from Zecora, though Spike saw the rune circle flare slightly and knew for a fact that Twilight was officially in deep waters without her floaties. He rushed forward, his words failing him in his panic, but the rune’s magic wall blocked his entry and deafened his cries of warning as he pounded against the translucent barrier.

The poor, unaware Alicorn turned and saw her young brother slamming his fists and shouting words she couldn’t hear, her blood turning to ice in her veins as she picked up the sensation of magic in its earliest stage. Twilight’s strength failed her as she came to the realization that casting any kind of spell would make her situation infinitely worse, and that doing more than staying still might get her killed. She was beyond scared. Fear was a distant memory. She sat and waited for her time to come, and when the growing warmth of the rune progressed to the point where she was beginning to feel her Magic evaporate as it passively tried to cool her, Twilight Sparkle fainted and Spike bore witness to a flash of light not unlike the one that had taken Garriosn Varas.

With the second piece of my puzzle in hand, I connected the two and set forth an event that was a long time coming.

I watered the seeds of mutiny.

I fanned the coals of war.

I drove an old woman mad with loneliness.

I blessed the eldest whore.

I made a saint into a sinner.

I warped a just mind.

I comforted the darkest evil known.

I stole a grown child’s candy.

I set a trap for all but the worthiest.

I am Kaid Maximus, and my will be done.

Author's Note

So I think that this is more along the lines of a sequel I can do. I've gotten a few chapters written out for it, so let me know what you think when the thoughts come.

Or in other words, like, comment, and follow my crazy ass for more retarded shit.

As Always,
Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Ten: From All Angles

Chapter Ten: From All Angles

“Alright everypony! Now we just have to go buy our tickets to Canterlot and introduce Gauche to Celestia and we can be on our merry way!” Twilight exclaimed happily, looking at the group with cheer in her eyes, completely glossing over the tumultuous circumstances that the Teleportation Station had held for us.

“Whoa, why does one of the eternal Princesses want to see me?” I asked carefully.

“To see who we just brought to Equestria, duh!” Twilight rolled her eyes and kept smiling at me. “You know she likes to take interest in a lot of the things I do.”

“Why?” I asked. “Aren’t you just as much a Princess as she is?”

“Yeah, but Twi was Celestia’s personal student.” Applejack informed.

“Ah, that would explain it.” I scratched my head. “Ah, well at least we can ask her if I actually have to be a Ranger.”

“It’s better than havin' to join the Guard, at least.” Ladesa offered. “Folk like us are more suited to bein' Rangers than guards anyway.”

“True, but I’d rather not take a job where shooting people is a priority.” I answered.

The three Mares who’d come to collect me paled at that, but Maud gave her Nod and said, “I do not want you to add blood to your hands either, but if it is the path before you, then can you really turn away from it?”

I shook my head. “Not unless I want to get my hash deep fried, no. I like my hash cooked on a grill, thank you.”

The Equestrians looked between themselves. “How do you cook hashbrowns on a grill?” Twilight asked, happily glossing over the murder in my future.

I tilted my head. “How else would you do it? You can’t exactly do it with a kettle.”

“Yes, but you cook hashbrowns on a griddle.” Twilight said.

I looked at Ladesa and she shrugged. “I dunno what that is either. Hæl, I’m not even sure if we’re takin' horses to this Canterlot place or if we’re hitchin' a ride on a wagon or somethin'.”

“Hey!” Applejack, Pinkie and Twilight objected in unison.

I looked at Maud. “Did she say something wrong?”

Maud tilted her head at me. “Do you think that we are whorses?”

I squinted at her, trying to make sense of her words. “... You’re Ponies, not horses. Horses walk on four hooves.”

“Are you talkin’ about an animal or somethin’? ‘Cause they say that about whorses too.” Applejack asked.

“Of course I’m talking about an animal. What the Hæl does horse mean to you?” I asked, scratching my cheek.

“It means ‘A promiscuous pony.’.” Twilight answered helpfully.

“Oh, you mean like a whore?” Ladesa asked.

“That would be the equivalent, yes. I should have realized that you would not know the Pony colloquialism for the term. This is my fault.” Maud said, shouldering the blame for the misunderstanding.

I wrapped and arm around her and let my hand rest on her waist. “Don’t take the fall on this one, Mauble-”

“Aww!” Twilight and Pinkie said.

“It’s even cuter when you say it to her!” Pinkie exclaimed.

I slowly blinked and blushed simultaneously. “Can we go now?”

“Sure can.” Applejack said casually. “I’d rather get a move on before we start arguin’ over somethin’ anyway.”

And so we did, but Applejack and Twilight ended up arguing over the fastest way to get to something called a ‘Train Station’, though I didn’t know what a train was, and neither did Ladesa. Maud explained it to me as a massive, semi-autonomous ‘vehicle’ that ran on a combination of Magic and coal to move, but I didn’t know what a vehicle was, so Twilight explained it as anything you can ride, but when I asked if cattle were vehicles, they both told me that living creatures couldn’t be vehicles, but wagons and carriages could be considered vehicles. It usually referred to a ‘locomotive’, which, based on my basic understanding of Lasponese, meant ‘crazy motion’. I wasn’t exactly eager to get on the train after putting that together, and when I saw the terrifying creation pull into the station without being pulled by horses or oxen, I was more than a little scared of it since it just seemed some kind of unnatural.

While I gaped at the hulking metal beast, Ladesa marveled at it with questions abound, suited for Twilight’s particular temperament and tendencies while Maud and Pinkie assured me that crawling into the belly of a great metal beast wouldn’t be the end of me. I don’t like trains, and boarding the hulking monstrosity was horrible. The floor was solid, but when the train started moving, my stomach started doing flips and I could barely walk with the moving platform beneath my feet, which was odd because I’d managed Captain Flint’s ship easily enough during a decent storm and had even held my own with some of her seasoned veterans. However, people weren’t meant to move as fast as a train does, and my time spent curled up against Maud was a perfect example of that.

Twilight and Ladesa had gone off to explore the train so Ladesa could get more of a lecture and learn more about the interesting aspects of a train as well as the boring ones while Pinkie and Applejack made fun of me for getting motion sick. I only bothered flipping them the two-finger salute once, but Maud did a pretty good job of shutting them up. While I was in mourning over losing my breakfast in one of the lavatories, a trolley thing came around and snacks were bought, but my stomach was too upset to bother with more than a couple pieces of bitter chocolate that went a long way in making the cramps go away, but didn’t do much for the nausea, all things said and done.

Pinkie and Maud did a little catching up since they had the free time to do so, but Maud heavily censored our activities, though she did mention my near-death experiences in passing, which left Applejack suspicious and Pinkie amazed by my ‘luck’. Applejack voiced a few concerns about how I attracted trouble, but Maud assured her that she could handle anything that would come after us in Equestria, so it would all be fine. I offered a grunt by way of disagreeance, but no one pays attention to the grunting man if they don’t have to, and the trio of Mares didn’t have to.

Ladesa and Twilight came back after harrying the conductor for a little bit and got confined to their seats, watched over by a staff member nearby every time they tried to go and do something until Twilight identified herself and made a fuss over acting like an overly inquisitive child in the first place. I couldn't find it within myself to give a fuck at the moment, so I just listened as she and Ladesa turned the tables on whoever was supposed to be watching them. It was a little amusing to hear, but the girls were abusing Twilight’s power in a very obvious way, and it made me doubt whether or not Twilight really deserved to be a Princess. At least it wasn’t something important, I guess.

The trip from Manehattan to Canterlot wasn’t terribly long, but it was terribly informational, as far as the group dynamic went. It was a little obvious that the hierarchy had already formed, and that the Princess wasn’t exactly the one on top. Ladesa was the lowest woman on the pole, Pinkie’s opinion rarely mattered, Twilight’s a smart fool and it wasn’t exactly a secret, Applejack was the wisest of her friends and thusly had a modicum of my respect, even if she annoyed me, and then Maud was on top since she could beat everyone up and she’d probably be justified in doing it. I didn’t really know where I fell in that hierarchy since Maud could probably get me to do most things for her, Applejack didn’t trust me, Pinkie was ready for me to fuck up with Maud, Ladesa was a Demi-Goddess, and Twilight seemed to like me for some reason, despite having more reasons to not do just that. I figured I was at the top for the most part since I did a lot of the directing, but it wouldn’t surprise me to find that I was Maud’s right hand, and I would be perfectly fine with it if that were the case.

When the atrocity in motion finally stopped, I was allowed non-moving ground once more, though I was unsteady from having been so incapacitated while on the train. The limes were being sucked as we walked along, but the sourness faded in time as the sights of a city that had fruit dropping from its trees into chutes that would deliver them into your pockets if you stood by the opening. That’s all metaphorical, but the opulence of Canterlot, the rivers of blue blood that flowed from each of the most of the buildings we saw… Ladesa and I were struggling to keep from pocket-diving as a casual thing since we were so used to it, but you couldn’t comprehend how hard it was to leave it alone. It got significantly easier after I noticed that we were drawing attention by a good margin, and had to say something to Ladesa before she could let her hopes get to high.

“Emme sekoita. (We do not mix.)” I said loudly enough for her to hear.

“Hitto!” She cursed.

“What are y’all talkin’ about now?” Applejack asked.

“Nothing important, to be honest.” I answered truthfully.

“So ya just said something in a language we wouldn’t understand because it wasn’t somethin’-”

“That I only needed Ladesa to hear? I told her that we were sticking out. That’s all.”

“Oh. Well, a lot a’ folks who don’t come to Canterlot often stick out like a sore thumb. You always know a Canterlot native from a visitor.” Applejack replied.

“I’m guessing most visitors don’t show up in armour?” I asked rhetorically, my tone as dry as I could get it. I’d worn normal clothes over my stuff, but it was still fairly obvious, and Ladesa was wearing rogue-type gear anyway.

Applejack chuckled. “I’m sure we can find a place for y’all to change before ya meet the Princess.”

“Didn’t exactly bring spare clothes with me.” Ladesa chuckled.

“We’ll buy you something from here!” Twilight gasped. “Oh, I know a few great shops we could go to that have some really cute stuff! What do you say, Desa?”

Ladesa blushed. “Uh… Sure? I mean, do they take Minosian money here?”

“We can go to a bank to have your funds transferred into bits!” Twilight beamed.

“Ah, I’ve got some drachs I need to exchange myself. Let’s make that our first stop, No?” I suggested.

Everyone was in agreeance, so we set our course for Canterlot Capital Bank, and I made my first bank account like some sort of Daywalker. The teller Maud and I went to was surprised by the fat sack of drachs Maud produced from one of her bags, and when it was all said and done, she had about five thousand bits to work with. I, on the other hand, had to grab the pouches I kept in my cowl, the two I kept tied to my chestpiece, each of the ones in my boots, the slim pouches I stuffed under my gauntlets, the usual coinpurse I kept on my hip, the second one that was actually hidden, the four heavy sacks in my bag, the eight smaller coin purses I had sewn into some fluff that made carrying my bag suck a lot less, and one I almost forgot about the I’d put in a sock. It took awhile to get all of my drachs counted, but when I walked out of the bank, I was assured that my eleven thousand odd bits would be safe under lock and key for whenever I wanted them. Maud congratulated me on having a decent retirement fund and I congratulated her on marrying rich. I got shoved gently for that, but she took it in stride.

❖☬❖

“I swear to Me, I’m going to break her buttsack.” I growled, still pissed off at Applejack for opening her mouth when I’d already had it covered. Fucking mortals never understand the fine-tuning of a plan that’s been trillions of years in the making, and it pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe, but now I’m just looking down on people and I need to not do that. Still, imagine my frustration when Applejack mentioned the thing I told her not to mention. You tell a person not to do one thing and then they go fuckin’ Whoops! ‘Sorry I did the thing, I forgot!’ Fucking urgh.

I swooped down from the Heavens to go and pace on Equus for a little bit, then I went to Earth, Terra, and Arkaid. I just did a lot of walking, basically, and it helped clear my mind enough to imagine a million different plans that would end with the same result, but would have different variables in differing difficulties. Hug Bunny eventually joined me, folding her arms and looking as mad as she could to match me, but every time I looked at her exaggerated angry-face, I couldn’t help but want to chuckle a little. My third wife glared at me when she knew she had my attention and flung her arms out wide.

“You got a problem, Buster!? You wanna hug or somethin’!?” She shouted, jutting her jaw out forward to look like she had an underbite from Hell.

“Yeah! Fuckin’ come at me Bro!” I charged her and swept her off of her feet, burying my face in her cleavage because I could.

My Pinkie wrapped her legs around me and hooked her feet so she’d have a solid hold on me. “That tickles, Max!”

I let her hang back a bit and gave her a little smile. “Glad you could make the time to come see me, Blue Eyes.”

“I’ll always have time for you, silly! You just have to ask, otherwise I’m just gonna sleep!” HB giggled.

“I don’t want to ruin your beauty sleep.”

“I don’t even need to sleep, Cinder Bear.” Pinkie huffed. “I just like doing it because waking up feels so good!”

I chuckled and gave her a little smooch. “Then I’ll have to wake you up more often. I’m guessing you felt my stress?”

“Yup yup yup! It’s fine though. It’s not like you can control how you’re feeling!”

I let my smile fade. “Still. I’m causing a lot more harm than good with my vibes here lately.”

Pinkamena gave me a sad look, her hair unfurling from her usual poofs. “You’re old, Max. It happens.”

“I know… Just…” I sighed.

She gave me a hug and let her legs drop. “I love you, Cinder Bear. You know that.”

“I love you too, Hug Bunny.” I gave her another kiss, but this one was longer and tasted like blue candy floss, a note of the bittersweet moment.

When we broke our kiss, I looked down on Equis to see that the women of Gauche troupe were having fun with making Ladesa try on different clothes, but she refused to wear anything that couldn't be called modest at the worst since she considered herself above it. I thought it was cute to see her face grow brighter than her hair for the majority of the venture, but I was mostly worried about Gauche. I needed to speak with him sooner rather than later, and if he didn’t get killed or some shit, sooner would be the option we’d be going with. Sadly, I don’t really get to control that outside of scrapping the project all together.

I spent some time with Hug Bunny, but I chose to appear to Celestia in my Faith suit at the same time to say, “Hullo, Love. Could I have a moment?”

She started since she’d been going about some of her early morning duties before she was due to hear pleas and court matters and whipped her head around to face me. “... You really have to stop appearing out of thin air, Faith.” Celestia chuckled, placing a hand over her heart.

I didn’t smile. “Make Gauche become a Ranger, then send him off to Ponyville for a little while. Wherever you decide to station him in the end is fine, but I must talk to him before you send him off.”

Celestia nodded. “And I should do this because…?”
“I think we both know it doesn’t end well if you don’t abide by my reasonable requests.”

“I don’t like being threatened, Faith.”

“I don’t like being disobeyed, but people do the things I tell them not to do all the time. You’ll get over it soon enough, seeing as how you’ve been in my position before. Smaller scale, same in principle.”

Celestia levelled a glare at me and I snapped my fingers, fixing her face for her. “... I see… What are your intentions with Gauche?”

“I intend on crafting him into something the world has never seen before. Not a King or an Emperor, but a guardian of sorts. You’ll see in time.” I faded out and let the ball turn as it would.

“... I suppose I’d better see what he’s like then...” Celestia murmured to herself.

❖☬❖

After getting changed into some ‘decent’ clothes, the Mares and I took a trip to one of the many castles I’d seen in my time, though this one stood far above all others both literally and figuratively. The monumental structure was magnificent, and the stone used to make it was all such a beautiful shade of white that I couldn't believe it had stayed so pristine, despite the weather conditions. With promises of lunch to be had after we saw the Princess, we made our way into Canterlot Castle with Twilight status as our ticket in. Strolling the grounds was wonderful in and of itself since I wasn’t being prosecuted, nor was I expected to do much more than go say hello and ask a favour, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being closely watched, and not just by one pair of eyes. I mentioned my discomfort to Maud and she said that I was most likely being scryed, but Twilight couldn't trace the caster, meaning that it was most likely Faith and one of his buddies or something of the like.

When we entered the castle, the Mares giggled at the looks on my and Ladesa’s faces. We must have been some kind of staggered, and I’m sure it showed since the place was even bigger on the inside than it appeared on the outside. Grand halls greeted us and stained glass adorned the windows, allowing for beautiful arrays of light to cascade in through them as we made our way to the Court Hall where Celestia was supposedly supposed to be. We didn’t have to wait in the small line that had formed since Twilight had privileges like that, but I did start to feel like having a Princess Pass to do whatever you pleased was pretty bullshit, even more so than I already thought. However, I have to say that it was useful and it was worth the time saved, because Celestia was worth seeing in person.

When we entered the Court Hall, she sat upon her throne with a muted rainbow of a mane billowing in an intangible breeze, her fur standing out just as well as Furladra’s skin, though she lacked the certain ‘glow’ that Furladra possessed. She was a beautiful woman to be sure, but I’d literally just seen a Goddess, so Celestia’s features struck me a little less heavily than they could have, though that didn't mean I was going to treat her as anything less than a Princess. I didn’t know her temperament and I really didn’t know much about her other than to be on my best behavior, so when Twilight and her friends practically skipped ahead of Maud, Ladesa, and myself, I wondered what was about to go down.

“Twilight! Applejack! Pinkie! I’m glad to see the three of you have returned from Minosia safe and sound!” Celestia greeted warmly, her voice like the subtle soothing essence of willow bark.

“Thanks, Pr- Er, Celestia! It took longer than we thought, and Gauche technically found us, but we completed the mission!” Twilight exclaimed. “Now we just need to ask Faith a few questions.”

“He would be here if he intended on answering them.” Celestia said calmly.

“That’s sketchy.” I commented.

Celestia turned her gaze to me and gave me a tight smile. “Ah, you must be Gauche Suede, yes?”

“Yes, Your Highness. Feel free to address me as Garrison, though.”

She gave me an odd look. “Which is your real name?”

“Garrison.”

“Garrison it is then. Come here, if you would be so kind.” Celestia requested.

I looked at Maud, and then at Ladesa. They’d both nodded at me, so I started walking toward Celestia and didn’t stop until I passed Twilight. “Heya.”

“Hello. It’s nice to meet the pony my student accidentally summoned.” She replied pleasantly, though something was off about the way she was speaking.

I tilted my head. “I still don’t know what Twilight was trying to summon. Could you elaborate on that, Twi?”

Twilight blushed and cleared her throat. “W-Well, I was looking for a student that I could teach Magic to.”

“Ah. Apparently I have a little Magic I’m supposed to learn how to use, so maybe we could figure it out together?” I half-asked.

Her eyes lit up. “That’d be great! I can’t wait to see what your magical capacity is!”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Twilight. It’s to my understanding that Garrison has been propositioned to become a Ranger.” Celestia reminded.

“We were actually-” Twilight started.

“I can’t make an exception here, Twilight. Garrison will not be forced to make a career out of being a Ranger, but he will serve the minimum requirement after his training.” Celestia decreed, her tone barring any further discussion.

“Oh…” The purple Princess said, her defeat clear and decisive.

“Can I be based near my lover?” I asked. “I’d probably be more productive if I knew I was helping keep her safe.”

Celestia looked back at Maud and Ladesa. “... I see no problem with that. Who is your lover?”

“Maud, the Pony.”

“Ah.” Celestia nodded. “That is permissible. Who is the Mare with the orange mane?”

“Ladesa, a Demi-Goddess from my planet as well as a Covenant Sister of mine. And we’re Humans, Your Highness. We use the common terms, if you would be so inclined.”

Celestia gave me an amused smile. “I’ll be sure to refer to you as such then, since you’ve been so polite as to inform me civilly. You wouldn’t believe how much offense some races take to being misnamed.”

“I believe it. I know Minotaurs well enough, and the Naga are every bit as prideful, if not more so in their own way. Call a Bull a Stallion and you’ll most likely have a fight on your hands.”

She raised her chin for a slow nod. “I see. Were you apart of any of these fights?”

“No. When I started learning about the specifics for each race, it wasn’t hard to switch things up or keep it like it’s been my entire life. There was one time where I called a Bitch a bitch and got away with it, though.” I grinned at her to gauge where her sense of humor lay.

Celestia seemed mildly amused. “I assume you, your sister, and myself are the only ones who understand the joke within that?”

My grin grew. “That’s why it was perfect, right? Say, do we have to talk here? I’m sure the ladies could use a seat after that horrid train thing.”

The ruling Princesses eyes shot open. “Oh? What happened on your train ride?”

Giggles broke out behind me and my face flushed as Twilight said, “Oh Celestia, you should’ve seen Gauche! I’ve never seen a pony have such bad motion sickness! He spent a solid thirty minutes in the restroom, and even after that, Maud had to go in and get him because he couldn't walk on the train!”

Celestia covered her mouth and her eyes held not mirth, but speculation. Despite giggling herself, it didn’t sound right to me, almost like she was faking it, but I wasn’t quite sure. “Oh, I’m sure you had quite the time poking the woozy bear.”

“Well, Ladesa and I took the opportunity to go around and learn about trains, and I think Maud was pretty adamant about letting Gauche be.” Twilight admitted.

I chuckled. “My Sweetheart is the sweetest when she thinks it’s appropriate.”

“Thank you, Epidote.”Maud said pleasantly.

I turned and kissed my hand before winging the kiss at her with force in the throw. Maud stepped out of the way and caught it with one hand before placing it on her cheek. “Love you, Mauble.”

“Aww!” Twilight and Pinkie chorused.

“Garrison, how old are you?” Celestia asked amusedly.

“Somewhere between twenty-six and twenty-nine. I’m going with twenty-seven, but I don’t actually know.” I answered.

Celestia’s mauve forehead-gem lit up from the inside and I felt an odd sensation coat my body for a second, which made me rub my arms and give the cause of the feeling a look. “You’re twenty-six. Your birthday is next month, actually.” She gave me a warm smile.

“I need you to not do that, Your Highness. Verily I do.”

Celestia tilted her head. “It was a harmless spell, Garrison. I won’t do anything untoward to you, I promise.”

“Nice to know.” I answered warily.

Ladesa cleared her throat from the back of the group. “Yeah, so… Why are we here again? Gauche met Celestia, so can we go?”

“So eager to leave… Ladesa, was it?” Celestia asked.

Ladesa nodded. “To be honest with you, I’m not fond of castles. They make me feel like I’m about to be tossed in gaol for something I didn’t do.”

Celestia blinked at her. “I haven’t heard somepony, or someone for that matter, speak of ‘gaol’ in over a hundred years. I thought your speech patterns seemed a little antiquated, but I should have known that from Garrison’s lack of knowledge as far as trains go.”

Ladesa nodded again. “Yeah, so…”

“Come on, I’ll take ya to the gardens and we’ll meet up with everypony in a few. Whaddaya say?” Applejack offered.

Ladesa gave her an odd look. “I’m pretty sure you don’t like me.”

AJ chuckled. “Ya haven’t really given me a good reason not to. Ya seem a little rough ‘round the edges, but ya don't seem like a bad gal ta me.”

Ladesa looked to me and I shrugged, so she said, “Sure, I guess. Cute woman showin’ me around some gardens sounds nice.”

Applejack blushed. “Uh… Beg pardon?”

I didn’t see what my Guild sister did to make Applejack go ramrod straight, but I assumed she either winked or made some sort of gesture. “You heard what I said. Still wanna go for that walk?”

“... Uh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.” The orange Mare said awkwardly. “Where’s everypony wanna meet up?”

We agreed on the castle’s gate in an hour and a half, so Ladesa gestured for Applejack to lead the way, and so she did, which left Maud, myself, Pinkie, and Twilight to face Celestia. However, our group was apparently meant to shrink by two once more. “Ooh! Ooh! Maud, do you wanna go look over all of Canterlot together!?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Maud looked at her sister and looked to me, her brow furrowing slightly as she thought about her decision. I decided to make it easier on her. “Must be nice to be able to spend time with your sister when you can.” I gave her a wink and Maud gave me the Nod.

“We shall see you soon, then.” My preferred woman said. “Take care, Gauche.”

“Be careful, Maud.” I gave her another smile and a nod.

Twilight looked at me and smiled when Maud and Pinkie were leaving, but we waited until they were gone for our conversation to start. “It was really nice of you to help Maud choose between you and Pinkie.”

“For as much as you seem to appreciate her company, it was noble of you to step out of the way so she could spend time with her family.” Celestia complimented.

I waved both of their praises away. “I just want Maud to be happy, and she dotes on Pinkie like she’s the woman’s own mother. It wouldn’t have been right to ask Maud to put me above her time with her sister.”

“You say that as if you have a sibling of your own.” Celestia said tenderly.

I nodded. “I had one that I knew of. A sister named Aria.”

“Gauche, you never told me you had a sister!” Twilight gasped.

I chuckled and rubbed my neck. “Never really felt the need to, in all honesty. I don’t particularly enjoy talking about her.”

“Oh, did she pass away?” Twilight asked tactlessly.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“May we ask how she went?” Celestia inquired.

I sighed. “She had Fae’s Farce from a young age. It’s a wasting disease that affects growth in children and drains the energy from the sufferer, making her waif-like and frail. It’s generally fatal, but it’s curable if you have the money for years of medicine.”

“Oh…” Twilight murmured.

“We’re sorry to hear that, Garrison. You have my condolences, and I doubt that Twilight would withhold hers.” The bright white Princess said, her tone as soft as spring’s breath.

“There’s no point in mourning anymore.” I shook my head. “She’s been gone for thirteen odd years, and she was too good to live in Avalesce anyway.”

“Avalesce? That’s your home world, correct?” Celestia asked.

“No, it’s my home country. The world itself is called Terra, Your Highness.” I replied, wondering just how much she knew about me already.

“Ah, I see. Tell me, what was your home country like?”

I rolled my jaw and tried to put it into words that wouldn't make it seem like Hæl on Terra, as it was often called by most other countries. “Well, it was the original home of a lot of the Gods, so it’s… Prestigious?” I tried.

“Didn’t you tell me that Avalesce was dangerous?” Twilight asked curiously.

I grimaced. “I’m trying to find nice things to say about the shitehole to be honest with you.”

Celestia burst out into laughter that sounded more genuine than any I’d heard from her. “Ah, so what was Avalesce really like?”

I frowned. “Don’t let my home land taint your opinion of me quite yet, alright? Just because Avalesce sucks as a whole doesn’t mean that there aren’t a few people out there who serve the right Gods for the right reasons.”

“What are these ‘Gods’ you keep speaking of?” Celestia asked, derailing her previous line of questioning.

“The Gods are holy beings that influence mortal lives from the Heavens depending on their Edicts and their offerings. Give the right offering to the right God on the right day, and you might get a blessing for it. Give the wrong offering to the wrong God on a decent day and nothing happens, but doing that on the wrong day gets you cursed. The Gods aren’t known to be consistently kind beings since they originally walked amongst men as mortals, and mortals generally suck, but they do grant boons to those who please them. For example, I serve Furladra, the Goddess of merchants, travelers and a few other things, and by giving her a lot of good stuff, I’ve managed to gain a blessing and earn my place by her side in the life hereafter. I’d thought that I was forsaken since I’m, you know, here, but it turns out that the Gods watch where they please and who they please.”

Celestia nodded a few times. “What did you give to get your boons from Furladra?”

“I gave the equivalent to ten pounds of bronze to become a Gadai, and then I gave her ten pounds gold to earn the title Varas, meaning that I earned her protection as long as I don’t do something incredibly inadvisable. Apparently, by giving her the best of whatever I managed to get, I abided by her rules, and by giving her more than she ever asked from one of her followers in a short span of time, protecting and straightening out a few of my fellow followers as well as avenging a Varas that lost her mark, I earned the title Varas Tuuli. I don’t know what exactly it means, but apparently she gave me Magic that I didn’t know I had.” I replied, censoring most of it and hoping that Celestia wouldn’t continue her line of questioning.

“Hmm… So have you ever met this Furladra?” Celestia asked calmly.

I blushed at the memories I’d made earlier in the day and coughed. “W-Well, not until earlier today. It’s not like every King or Queen drops by to check on the peasants, right?”

“But you’ve served your Mistress faithfully for how long and she only chose today to show her face to you?”

“The Gods answer to no one, Your Highness.” I said more firmly.

“Why follow them if you don’t even know if they’re doing anything for you?” Celestia challenged casually.

“Because not following them means you’re going it solo, and in most cases, it’s better to have a blessing that keeps you out of trouble rather than having Man’s Malice on your head. Man’s Malice itself might just be superstition, but the Gods are worthy of being followed.”

“And what makes them worthy of being followed?”

“Their power and their wisdom.” I answered readily. “Ladesa may be a Demi-Goddess, but she lacks the mind of a God, the ability to know and see all within their scope.”

Celestia levelled a cool look at me. “Do you love your Goddess?”

“Of course.”

“Would you give her all you have?”

“I’ve done it before.” I said truthfully.

“Would you give your life for her?”

“Furladra’s call is my command.”

“... Hmm… So if you were to become a citizen of Equestria, then would Furladra’s laws be pertinent to you than Equestria’s?”

“Furladra’s laws don’t interfere with the laws of man. In fact, most of them are based on standard laws found in any country.”

“Tell me about Avalesce.” Celestia commanded with the voice of a Brothel Mommy, which is to say that I was either going to talk or get locked in a room or something of the sort.

“... Where do you want me to start? The corrupt Aristocracy, Constabulary, Bureaucracy, or the shitty King?” I asked facetiously.

“Start with the King.”

“King Havel the Fourth. His family’s been in charge for around three hundred years and
that’s mostly been because they’re the richest fucking family in Avalesce, which is why everything’s corrupt. Elmers, the Royal Family, have been known to pull crossbows out in the middle of a market and start firing for no reason other than the fact that a peasant’s life is worth nothing. There aren’t many ways to strike back at them since assassins that take hits on Royal Blood are never seen from again, thieves that get caught stealing from them end up in gaol or climbing the Nevergreen, and the army’s so full of Mercs, slaves, and people who are only loyal to coin that a military revolt is only likely if Havel finds someone he can’t pay off, which is unlikely in Avalesce.”

“What about the Police Force? The Constabulary?”

“They don't get away with all that much since the Thieves Guild and the Left Hand have feelers out for anyone who might need to be knocked down a peg. I remember one time where a Copper misfired his crossbow while trying to kill off some old crone and hit a kid. He disappeared for a week before he was found chopped up and nailed to the local Bobble Shop.” I answered with no inflection.

“Avalesce sounds like a very hostile place. Where did you fit in?” Celestia asked.

“I didn’t. I-”

“I don’t like being lied to, Garrison. Tell the truth, please.” Celestia requested kindly.

“G-Gauche? Was your home country really that bad?” Twilight asked, concerned.

“Ask your questions later Twilight.” Celestia said, walling off that avenue of escape.

I looked at Celestia and sighed. “I was a thief. A good one, but a thief nonetheless.”

Twilight gasped. “Are- Are you serious? You’re a thief!? You told me you were a possessions allocation specialist!”

“That’s a very fancy way of saying thief, Twilight. I told you that.” Celestia replied softly.

I shook my head. “I didn’t want to tell you that I burgle for the simple fact that I knew you were going to look at me like that.”

Twilight glared at me, tears in her eyes. “Well you deserve whatever look I give you for trying to pull the wool over my eyes! And here I thought you were a nice guy! I bet you just wanted my bits all along, didn’t you!?”

“If I wanted your bits, I’d have them, Twilight. After I stepped on you, I never made a move on you. I never searched you when I had the chance, never tried to pull anything while you were sleeping. I rob rich arseholes, Twilight. Not just anyone.”

“It doesn’t matter who you’re stealing from! It’s wrong in the- Is that where you got all those bits from!? Stealing from ponies!?”

“Corrupt Nobles. Rapists. Murderers. People who left their own children to rot in an Orphanage with no name to claim.” I answered coldly. “They deserved what they got.”

Twilight’s glare lessened as she took a moment to be shocked, but then she went right back to being mad. “How do I know that you’re not lying about that too!?”

“How do you know I was telling the truth when I said that I was a thief? You’re choosing to believe what you want.” I said, flipping it back on her.

“She’s choosing to be suspicious of a suspicious person.” Celestia countered, her voice hard. “What other crimes have you committed, Garrison?”

“Yeah! What aren’t you telling us!?” Twilight yelled in agreeance.

I looked between them. “You can’t prosecute on charges based on crimes in another country, let alone another planet. You also can’t tie me to anything, so I think I’ll be taking my leave.”

“I don’t believe so.” Celestia replied icily. “I believe you’ll be answering-”

I popped two smoke pellets and threw one at Twilight and the other at Celestia before making a mad dash for a side door that I’d scoped after walking into the room, and once I cleared it, I didn’t stop. Running was the first thing on my mind, and I hoped that Furladra was smiling down at me because I could rather use her luck in the moment, and of that I was certain. I followed the path my gut set for me, often having to push off of a wall to keep momentum, but before I made it to the five minute mark, I was mid-air, falling to the ground at a pretty decent clip.

When I hit the ground, I landed hard on my stomach and slid long enough for me to roll and get on my feet. However, I wasn’t going anywhere fast since translucent walls materialized around me, trapping me within their confines as Celestia strode toward me. I’d been teleported back to the Court Hall, but Twilight was nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to feel like a cornered rat. Celestia was supposedly the most powerful being on the planet, and while I doubted that she was as powerful as a God, I didn’t doubt that she could end me with but a flick of the wrist.

Have I ever said fuck my life before? Because I was honestly feeling the fuck in my existence, and it was barbed. It was long, hard, barbed, and it was jammed right between my arse cheeks as Celestia said, “You’re fast, but it matters little to someone like me.”

“Magic is such bullshit.” I seethed.

“But it’s useful for doling out justice. And judgement.” Celestia said, her voice dripping with bitter venom.

“I love walking into traps. Fucking love it.”

“Sarcasm. Cute.” Celestia deadpanned. “What do you want with Twilight?”

“Nothing. I want to see the girl happy and healthy, and that’s fuckin’ it.” I growled. “Looks like she’s never gonna wanna see my fuckin’ face again now, so don’t worry about it.”

The Princess narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”

“My reasons are my own.”

“Don’t make me ask twice.” She warned, making my gut do flips.

“... She reminds me of Aria. Is that good enough?”

“No. Elaborate.”

I glowered at the cunt. “Aria was smart, naive, a little simple, and marched to the beat of her own drum most of the time. Twilight just reminds me a lot of her when she had the energy to play with the other children in our orphanage.”

“... That’s true. Why did you come to Equestria?”

“Furladra told me that some sketchy old guy named Faith had gifts for me, but I don’t know what they are or who he is. There isn’t a God named Faith, and the only one I actually serve is Furladra.” I answered begrudgingly.

Celestia raised her chin. “What are your intentions with Equestria?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know! I don’t really even wanna be here, but it was either turn into a fuckin’ serial killer and go to Hæl because this Faith guy wants me in Ponyville, or turn over a new leaf, not go to Hæl, and live without having to worry about getting stabbed or some shit! The illusions of choices surround me fuckin’ constantly!”

“You know you must be punished for your crimes, correct?” She asked.

I spat on the floor. “There’s a lot a’ fuckers worse than me who hurt people better than us who get away with what they do. You kill me, you drop a philanthropist. You kill me, you waste the best infiltrator you’ve ever laid eyes on. You kill me, and I have a funny feeling that this Faith guy is either figuratively or literally going to rape you-”

“Not literally. Never literally.” A somewhat familiar voice said. I’d heard it shortly before Ladesa stepped on my in the inn, but the words seemed to be coming from nowhere.

Celestia looked around herself, but neither of us found the cause of the disturbance. “... Faith?” Celestia asked.

“The one and only.” He said, dust swirling together as it took the shape of a blue Pony with a black and silver mane. “What did I tell you, Celestia? Honestly. What did I fucking tell you?”

The Proud Pony Princess pressed him with a glare. “What is your plan, Faith?”

“It’s none of your GODDAMNBUSINESS!” He roared suddenly. “I command, you obey. Next time? Next time I’m taking Luna from you and I’ll give her back to you with a mind shattered to pieces. Fucking test me, Celestia. Fucking Maxdamn I fucking dare you to defy me again.” Faith’s form flickered for but a second, but that’s all I needed.

The man I’d seen, not a Stallion, was Human to be sure. From his nearly black hair to his dichromatic eyes, I knew that he had to be from either Avalesce or Amestris, but his eyes were the tell tale sign. They were what made me certain that I wasn’t looking at one of my countrymen, but they didn’t look like the eyes of a Panterra, one of the Godly Family. None, and I do mean none of the Gods were ever told to have a mutation like that. They were all told to have the same colour eyes as their sigil. Green for Furladra, red for Dissida, white for Luxus, yellow for Lewwy, and so on and so forth. None of the Gods were said to have different coloured eyes, yet ‘Faith’ was obviously the guy Furladra was talking about when she mentioned someone older and more powerful than her, or at least, he was on of the people. His very presence made my stomach shrink until it felt like it was collapsing on itself, setting my very bones on edge, filling me with fear for his sheer might. He was powerful, and there was no room for doubt in my mind about that, but I did doubt that he was showing his face for the fun of it.

From the sparse glimpse I’d managed to catch of what I assumed to be his true form, or at least, his mortal body, the fellow was probably in my line of work at some point in his life. He lacked any scars that would have given it away, but there was a certain light to those green and blue eyes that told me of marks well caught and spoils well spent, though I didn’t dare speak out of turn with him in the room. My instincts were telling me that Odysseus wasn’t so much as a mite to Faith, that even Celestia probably didn’t even earn an honorable mention in his tomes upon tomes of mildly dangerous, if not semi-harmless beings. The vibe Celestia put off was daunting to be sure, but it wasn’t breathtaking like Furladra’s, and Faith’s voice alone was enough to cow me. Me, of all people. I like to think of myself as a wise man, and as a wise man would do when faced with a being more powerful than the Gods, I shut the fuck up and waited for him to finish deriding Celestia.

Faith, in his Pony form, turned to me and smiled, which didn’t make me any less afraid of him. “Garrison, Mate. How are you?”

“Faith-” Celestia objected.

His face went from placid and calm to raging like a sea of blood spilt from the stillborn and seventh sons of seventh sons. “Did I fuckin’ ask you to speak, shithead? Say something else before I tell you that you’re allowed to speak in my presence and I’ll rip your bloody tongue out!” He shouted, the very air around him shattering, leaving holes in reality as I knew it, opening windows to a world that I was being drawn into as he spoke. However, before I could numbly and dumbly walk up to him to enter one of the windows since my mind apparently went out the window as soon as the air itself broke, Faith made a closing gesture with his hand and put the other on my shoulder. “Wotcher, Mate. I ask again; How ya doin’?”

“... Little scared. Don't really know what going on.” I admitted.

He patted my arm and gave me a warm smile. “Few people do, even when their lives aren’t as complicated as yours, Garrison. That’s why I’m going to leave you with a few presents to help you make it through the tough times ahead, okay?”

“... What if I don’t-”

“Ah, nah. You don’t get to say no. I say, you do.” He ended my line of questioning before it even began.

“... Why wait so long to show up, then?”

“Because there are rules I have to play by to get what I want, but if I don’t get what I fucking want from this planet, then I’m going to fuck it up worse than you could ever imagine. Maric will look like the Guild HQ after a hard mission in comparison to what I’ll do to Equis.”

I felt the blood drain from my face and I glanced at Celestia, but she couldn’t help me, so I looked back at Faith. “... What are you?”

“I’m the guy that made you.” Faith answered softly so that only I would hear. “You can call me Allfather, or you can name me as the Creator. What you call me doesn’t matter as long as you do what you’re supposed to, okay? Okay.” He patted my shoulder once.

“... Right. So about these Magicks you’re giving me-”

“What sounds good to you, Bruv? What power would you like?”

“Um… You mean like, a power that one of the Gods has?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

“... Could I Shadowmeald like Furladra?”

He tapped my forehead. “That’s one. You get three.”

“I honestly don’t know what else I would need, Allfather.”

He grimaced. “Call me Max. Less pretentious that way.”

“Max.”

“Good man. Now I highly suggest Psychokinesis, but you could always go with some other mental type power.”

“... Reading minds?”

“Sure, if that’s what you want. I could give you some suggestions if you’re not definitely into it. When I got to pick my first set of powers, I didn’t get any backsies, so…” He shrugged.

“Right. Could I hold onto said backsie for a later date?”

“No.” Max deadpanned.

“Fuck. Could I combine-”

“No.” He said in the same tone.

“Okay. So Mind-Reading?”

“Mind-Reading.” He tapped my forehead again. “The last one gets decided for you, and it is, with a drum roll,” Drums appeared and started beating out a rapid staccato, coming to a crescendo in both volume and tempo before cymbals crashed. “Advanced healing! Ta-da!”

I pursed my lips. “Oh. Fuckin’ useful, that is.”

“You want the drawbacks to healing fourteen times faster, or do you want to figure it out for yourself?” Max asked kindly.

“Can you just tell me now?” I asked, easing up since it appeared that I was on his good side.

“Of course, Mate! Happily! Since you heal fourteen times faster, you’re going to live a little longer than normal, but don’t worry about that just yet. It’s also going to be absolute Hell, and yes that means Hæl, for you to get drunk, so cheers, yeah?” He produced a couple of glasses of amber liquid and handed me one. He took a sip, so I sipped mine, but even without having much of a tongue for alcohol I still knew that it was easily the best liquor on the planet. It was smoother than a diamonds facets and burned in a pleasant way rather than being stiff and hard to swallow, and the aftertaste was reminiscent of maple candy.

“Damn, that’s some good shit.” I complimented.

“Damn straight, Mate. It’s a ten year old number aged in a maple barrel. Bourbon, of course.” He winked at me like it was an inside joke, but it’s not like I’d ever had ‘bourbon’ before.

“I like bourbon now, I guess. Not much of a drinker to be honest with you, though.”

“Trust me, I know, Garrison. For your Fate? Drinking might be helpful, but it’ll be better if you keep your wits about you. Just friendly advice, not an order or anything.” His smile made my day feel brighter and lifted the weight from my shoulders, despite knowing that I was picking up more and more of Celestia’s ire for being buddy-buddy with the guy who was dwarfing her without trying.

“Right. So are you a God or…?”

“I’m the God, Mate. I’m in charge of Furladra.”

“And the rest of the Panterrans?”

“Yup.”

I blinked a few times. “Hot shite.”

“Hot shite indeed.”

We looked at each other and he nodded a few times.

“Alright! With that, I don’t really need to be here anymore, but in case I need to make this clear,” He looked at Celestia and his face fell flat. “Unless Garrison commits a crime in Equestria, he’s untouchable. You go after him and I’ll stop you, then I’ll fuck you up worse than you can possibly imagine shortly after I make Luna into mincemeat pie and feed her to you. Do we have an understanding?”

“... Understood.” Celestia said wisely.

Max nodded and turned back to me. “You. You give Celestia any shit and I’m not going to stop her from breaking your face. She’s a Princess and she’s been around longer than some of your Gods, so give her the respect she deserves, yeah?”

“... Not to be a smartass, but you kinda set a bad example on that one, Bruv.”

“I sure did, but I’m older than this fucking planet. In fact, I made this fucking planet. I have privileges.” He nodded. “It’s kinda like having kids that like to ignore the fact that you’ve given them everything, even the air they breathe, except damn near everything is your kid and they all manage to do shit you tell them not to fucking do. Like, I love plants. They’re some of my favourite things in general because you know what they do? They grow. That’s about it. They don’t do things other than grow and I love it.”

“... Al-right.” I said slowly, a little weirded out by the One Above All. “So what don’t you want me to do?”

“Don’t die yet.” He said simply. “When you do die, don’t worry about it too much, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure thing, Bruv.”

Max nodded and took a deep breath. “Holy shite, this gets old, to be honest with you. New face, new hope though, yeah? Let’s hope your road is better than the last guy’s.”

“... There was a-”

“There were a lot of guys before you, but don’t waste your time on it and just get your Ranger training over with. It’ll suck, but oi! It’s not as bad as training under her.” I pointed at Celestia. “Or Luna for that matter. They’d both drive you near or to insanity since you’re not exactly far from it, let’s be honest here, but they’re not mentoring you right now, so don’t worry about that either.” He gave me a smirk.

I smirked back. “Sounds like a plan. Got a question or two if you don’t mind taking a little extra time.”

Max shrugged. “Never say I’m not generous. What’s up?”

“I know a Twilight Stroller when I see one. Are slash were you a Stroller?”

“Midnight, not Twilight. My record only would have gotten me to Gadai, but I could’ve gone Varas in time.” He answered rather pleasantly, like we were just shooting the breeze and he hadn’t just threatened a being he’d literally just said was older than some Gods.

“Ah, so you were pretty good yourself?”

“Mate, I was one of the best in my planet’s history.” Max scoffed. “Sadly, thief turned assassin turned full blown killing machine in the course of a couple years, but that story’s long and I’m not sure if you care to hear about how a being more powerful than your Gods mixed together and multiplied by a hundred got to be so powerful.”

“It sounds like a fucking fantastic story to be honest with you.”

His smirk fell. “Yeah, it’s an epic alright. We’ll go over it some other time. For now, Max out!” Max did a little salute and winked out of existence like he’d never been there in the first place.

I looked at Celestia. “Mutual enemy?”

She gave me a look before I got slapped on the back of the head. “I heard that.” Max’s voice echoed through the room.

“... Can’t even plot against you?”

“I know everything, Garrison. I can tell you exactly how many times you actually managed to get Flint off if you want to fuck with me.”

I sighed. “It’s less than one, isn’t it?”

“Two, but at least you’re not over confident. Stay that way.”

His voice faded and I looked at Celestia again. “Okay then. So we just met the Creator.”

“It would seem so.” She reply.

“... Want to put this little-”

“I will wait until you make a mistake and then your life is mine.” Celestia growled.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Princess, I don’t want to be your enemy, and we just got lectured by the Creator of All that Exists. Are you sure you’d rather-”

“Quite.” She cut me off. “You might be some kind of prophetic being, but that doesn’t mean I’ll simply let you do as you please-”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do here, Princess. It’s honestly not.” I replied coolly.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “... Then what do you want?”

“I just don’t want you to be sending someone after me or give me a shitty assignment because you’re hoping I don’t make it out alive-”

“I can’t.” She said bitterly. “‘Max’ forbid me from ‘going after’ you, which you would have known if you were paying attention when the Creator was speaking to you directly.”

“I paid attention, I was just horrified and awestruck.” I answered with a roll of my eyes. “It’s not like I’ve met the guy who created me from the ground up before, so allow me to apologize.”

“I will hurt you.” Celestia warned.

“Am I dismissed?”

“What do you think?”

I shook my head and left the Court Hall in a dour mood, though it was interesting to know that I now had new Magicks to play around with. I wondered how they were supposed to work since Mind-Reading was an active Magic, Shadowmealding was an active Magic, and apparently I had some kind of wind-based Magic that I needed to learn how to use, and all of these gifts had been dropped into my trunk at the same fucking time. Twilight probably hated me, Princess Celestia wanted my head, Princess Luna didn’t trust me anyway, Applejack would probably hate me too, but for some reason I wouldn’t have been surprised if Pinkie already knew what my profession was, even without anyone saying anything. The girl knew more than she let on, that much was clear, but I had no idea what the fuck Ladesa was about to do. I had to bring her with me, but we couldn't start the Guild back up unless I wanted to get gaoled or worse.

In other words, I was up Shit Creek with three wonky paddles that weren’t helping me make any progress at the moment, and a boat made out of a sped up healing process that seemed like it would come in handy. I wasn’t screwed per se, but things weren’t looking good for me since I was officially on the Royal Notice Board, and that meant that my dealings were going to have to be more than discreet. Knowing that lie-detecting spells were close to being fool-proof and that half-truths could only get me so far, I was trying to work out a plan that wouldn’t end with me dying before Max apparently wanted me to. As I made my way to the front gates, I tried to formulate a plot with everything I had at my disposal, but the main thing I kept coming back to was a question, and said question was: How did my life get so fucked so fast?

Some days are just rougher than others. Some days can change your whole life, and today was one of those days, which is why I chucked the moment I got outside and kept on retching for a good ten minutes until the nausea cleared. After that, I was as fine as I could be with a Royal target on my head and a Godly eye watching my every move, both waiting for me to fuck up. The world was sitting on my shoulders, and it was almost more literal than figurative at this point, or rather, that’s how I felt. I was lost for the second time that day, and the feeling was so lime-sucking that I couldn’t really grasp it for what it was. I always knew what to do. Garrison Varas hasn’t been caught without a plan since the age of eleven, but now? How the fuck do I plan against Fate itself? All I could do was flow with the tides, but the currents in Shit Creek spun you in circles so you had to paddle your way out, but the fucking paddles! The wonky fucking paddles!

I found a good place to sit down and decided to shut up and wait for awhile. That was about it. I had a lot to process and I doubted that meeting up with the Mares and Ladesa was going to go well so I sat back, relaxed as much as I could, and let the chaos carry me away.

Author's Note

Natsu? Are you ready to take the train?

Another chapter down with more in the distance to be written and worked with. Writing sure is fun.

Be sure to like the story if you're enjoying it so far and drop some feedback if there's something about it you do/don't like. Either way, it's always nice to hear what people are thinking of the story so far as long as they're civil about it.

For now, have some lemonade and wait for spring to have sprung itself.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

published from work because reasons

Chapter Twenty-Two: The Exchange

Chapter Twenty-Two:The Exchange

₪ღ✮ღ₪

“... Well… I think-” Diane started.

“I’ll straight up fuck you in the ass if you finish that sentence. No lube: just raw meat.”

“Duly noted. Wanna go get pizza?” She asked, switching tactics as we walked down a big ass fucking hill in a city full of the sumbitches.

I sighed. “Yeah, let’s grab a slice. Where do you wanna go?”

“Know of any good places around the area?”

“They all suck compared to Arkadite and Equisian food. Is there a pizzeria in Magiville?”

“No, but there’s a fantastic one in Encantia. I know just the place to warp to, if you don’t want to let me cash in that backrub~”

“Ay, we did my thing. Let’s do what you wanna do.”

“Then let’s go meet Fluttershy!”

“What.”

Diane smiled at me. “Fuck Arkaid! That place is full of psychopaths! I wanna come to Equis!”

“I mean like, sure. Yeah. Let’s do that.”

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“I mean, I kinda expected you to want to come with me, I just wasn’t expecting you to bring it up out of nowhere. I’m looking forward to having you around as like, a mainstay instead of a visitor in my life again.” My smile was genuine, but Diane still frowned.

“... Hmm… Maybe it’s not such a good idea.”

“P.D.P, you know I’ll support whatever you go with. Just let me know what you want to do and we’ll start planning accordingly.”

She sighed. “”Let’s just go visit your Fluttershy for the time being. I hope she’s as nice as you say she is.”

I rolled my eyes. “She’s even better, Diane, trust me. You’ll be fond.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Mister!”

“Hold me to whatever you want as long as it isn’t painful. A cactus would be pretty sucky.”

“What about a hedgehog?”

“Gotta go fast, I guess.” I scratched my chin.

“That’s what they all say until the hedgehog makes a poot in the bathtub! It’s all fun and games until then.”

“As long as it’s not solid, everything’s fine.”

She giggled. “I guess that’s true… Say, Jay?”

“Yeah?” I answered, anticipating a heavy question.

“... How did you manage when you felt like there wasn’t a place for you in Arkaid anymore?”

“I left. You left.”

“I know, but… How did you just get along?”

“Diane, I just now came to the conclusion that my place is where I find my happiness, and that place isn’t Earth or Arkaid. What you need to do is find the spark of happiness in that sugar-filled heart of yours and figure out what it is. Right now? Right now what makes me happy is having the people I love in my life and making rad shit that could probably kill other shit if I needed it to. That’s what makes me happy.”

“... I guess I can make people smile wherever I go.” She answered, shrugging. “It’s weird… I’ve always felt… Detached, I guess, from Arkaid, like I wasn’t really supposed to be there.”

I raised a brow at her. “So I’m not supposed to say anything about that, right?”

“Nope. You’ll insta-die.”

“Good to know. Let’s just grab pizza in Ponyville. There a little place with a spinach alfredo that’ll have you cumming in your pants in seconds.” I gave her a wink.

“If it doesn’t, then I’m going to need you to follow through on that. It’s been a long day.”

“You’re telling me.”

✧❖☬❖✧

I didn’t really want to waste time with eating while two goddesses were fighting over who would claim me as their Emissary, but I knew that I had to after Twilight mentioned that I should. Since I didn’t want her to worry, I ate my omelette in silence and finished it up with a glass of white wine for the Hell of it before the Ponyvillians other than Twilight and Ladesa decided to go home. Since I knew where the future was headed, I stuck around with Celestia and prepared to see Aria again, hoping that I’d be able to hug my little sister while introducing her to Twilight, though I didn’t know how she’d take to the idea of me enslaving Ladesa, if she even knew that I did it.

With little to do other than listen to Twilight and Celestia chatter on, I took Ladesa aside and lead her to an empty room. She was shaking lightly and her breathing was a little shallow when I closed the door, but she seemed otherwise okay. “Ladesa, what powers do you have right now?”

The Demi-Goddess blinked in surprise. “Um… Heightened senses, speed, and strength?”

“Is that it?”

“Um… I can also manipulate shadows a little… I kinda need to visit my hoard and grab my usual equipment to be back at full power.”

“Go do that.”

“I can’t…”

“Why not?” I asked irritably.

Ladesa rubbed the back of her neck, her face flushed. “... Mum’s losing the fight against Dissida… Me going back to Godsholm-”

“Go help your mother. She did a lot for you. You owe her.” I snapped, playing the role perfectly.

Her mouth hung open slightly before she closed it, nodding firmly. “Sure thing, GM!”

Perfect. “Guildmaster?”

“You’re the only Varas on the planet now.” She said softly.

“Lead by default, I suppose. Go do what I told you to-” Ladesa disappeared before I finished my sentence. “Okay then.”

With her gone, I summoned Cluck, having him burrow his way out of the Nether while he dragged the corpse of something along with him. It wasn’t my house, so I didn’t care what he dragged in, but I was a little irritated that he wouldn’t listen to me and kept eating while I was talking, so I punted him. “Heya! שים לב! (Pay attention!)”

Cluck growled at me. “אדם טיפש. מה אתה רוצה? (Stupid Human. What do you want?)”

“ללכת לעזור Dissida אתה Fuckball המלוכלכים. (Go help Dissida, you mangy Fuckball.)”

He didn’t honor that with a response and instead chose to go do what I told him to do because I’m in charge of things, apparently. I then wandered back over to Celestia and Twilight, finding them doing boring castle business stuff in the Court Hall. Apparently Twilight was doing some more training since she had the opportunity and Celestia was relishing the chance to teach Twilight something else. I, however, fell asleep until Aria arrived.

From my dozing spot on the dais, I head Aria say, “Hello! I’m Ki-Aria Ionatcha!”

“Heya.” I yawned. “How’s it going, Robin?”

“She just said her name was Ki-Aria, Garrison.” Celestia chastised.

“That’s my sister.”

Aria looked at me. “... You’re Garrison Gadai?”

“Garrison Varas Tuuli, Soldado das Chamas, at your service.”

“... Oh. Oh…” She blinked a few times.

Twilight gasped sharply. “This is your little sister!? Gauche, she’s so pretty!”

Aria glanced at Twilight. “Um, thank you, but who are you?”

“I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, a friend of your brother’s and the Mare who accidentally brought him here. Eh-heh. Eh-heh-heh… Heh…”

“It’s better than Malic.” My little sister said with a smile. “I’m sure you’ve been keeping him safe while he’s been here, right?”

“About that…” The purple Pony Princess said awkwardly.

“It’s a long story, but who gives two butt-farts? Let me have a hug for old time’s sake.” I requested, getting up from the dais. With a single leap, I landed softly in front of Aria and spread my arms. “I’ve missed you, Dear Robin.”

She gave me the same smile she always gave me whenever I came home with food or a trinket for her. It was the smile I valued most in the world above all others, one that had kept me from taking my own life many times over. “It’s been a long time, Sonny.” Aria took a step toward me and bonked my noggin with her staff twice. “And there!”

“Ow!” I said, rubbing my pate, giving her a glare. “The bloody Hell was that for- Oh, yeah, the-” She swung at me again, so I conjured a ball of air and threw it at her. “Stop!”

It hit her square in the forehead and she rocked backward, her short hair blowing back as the wind broke. She rubbed her eyes, blinking tears from them, but not seeming pained. “What kind of attack was that!? You just gave me dry eyes!”

“Why did you try to hit me again? You only get two.” I groused.

My little sister rubbed her eyes some more before glaring at me as best she could. “I’m telling Amelemme on you!” You fucking snitch!

“I’ll fuck ‘er.” Dead silence fell.

Aria’s face grew rosier than a rose itself. “Shuddup.”

“Make me or bake me~” I sang in return.

“... Oh Dear Goddess of Light and Warmth, of Love and Motherhood-” Aria chanted quickly.

“Gauche be back soon!” And with that, a certain someone crashed through a stained glass window and rocketed into the open air over Canterlot, free once more from the bullshit he’d stepped in.

Unreasonable females, am I right?

[Unc, that’s Momi you’re talking about.]

Shut up, kid. Your mother’s a hellion and she always has been at heart, she’s just sweet about it most of the time. Anyway, I was soaring through sky until I hit a bird I hadn’t seen rising from beneath a cloud, and while you would think that birds wouldn’t hurt that much, they do. They really, truly do. The little fucker practically exploded on my shoulder, causing me to spiral and lose control of the wind for a few precious seconds; long enough for me to start losing altitude. The clouds were rather forgiving, but they changed my direction and slowed me down, disorienting me further. Yours truly barely managed to escape death by surrounding himself in a bubble of air, bouncing off of whatever I hit. Unfortunately, the bubble broke bountiful amounts of windows whenever I rattled down one of Canterlot’s streets, but on the bright side, no one important was hurt, and I was able to get my bearing before being identified. Hurrah for wanton, unnecessary vandalism, am I right?

I flew out of town and re-entered as a nameless Ranger returning from some mission in Minosia since I figured it would be good cover, and by the time I made it back to the castle, I’d had a pretty good time. There’d been a band or two playing on street corners and the air smelled wonderful, but then I realized that I’d rather be smelling the smelly smells with my sister, even if she was being flea-like in her annoyingness. It wasn’t a long trip back to the castle, but it was a long visit, if you know what I mean. The nagging was so strong that I tuned them all out and dreamt of wondrous things, like the Monotone Voice’s lullaby, or Furladra’s first kiss. Such things kept me occupied until Aria started hitting me with her staff again, at which point I confiscated it.

“Hey! Give that back!” My little sister shouted whinily.

I gave her a flat look. “Ki-Aria, you’re forgetting your place. You’re assaulting an Emissary, which is grounds for a duel, regardless of whether I choose to invoke Furladra’s honor or Dissida’s. Would you pull this with any other Emissary or Envoy?”

She crossed her arms and gave me the cold shoulder, ignoring me.

“Wow.” Celestia said flatly. “Aria, Sweetie-”

“Hush! He’s just a bully Poopbutt!”

“You are a Meaniehead sometimes.” Twilight agreed, nodding.

Celestia and I traded a look. “You spank the purple one, I’ll handle the Priestess.”

“Nopony’s spanking anypony.” The party-pooper declared. “Aria, if you agree to go with Garrison on his mission to Minosia, I’ll-”

“No.” I interrupted. “You’re not turning a Priestess into an assassin.”

Celestia raised a brow. “And there’s a reasoning behind this?”

Aria cleared her throat. “Um… I’m kind of bound by sacred oaths to never slay another creature. I don’t even eat meat, Princess.”

“You’d basically be asking Twilight to come along with me.”

Twilight rubbed her ear. “Wait, what?”

“I’m going back to Minosia for a little bit to do a thing. Don’t think or worry about it too hard.” I said abruptly. “Celestia, pick someone else. Not Aria.”

“Fair enough, I suppose. It would be a little much to ask a peaceful pony to accompany you on your task.” The Princess acquiesced.

“Whenever Jay shows back up, he can come with me. I’ll take Ladesa as my third.”

“Jay? Why Jay?” Twilight asked worriedly.

I raised a brow. “Is there love in the air, or is that Aria?”

“It might be me. Priestess of Amelemme and all that.” She tittered.

Celestia sniffed a few times. “Sugar cookies. Simply delightful, Dear.”

My pure little sister beamed up at the shady, duplicitous Mare. “Thank you! I was going for honeycakes, but you can’t always make the Drafts of Dreams do what you want.” She tapped her nose like it was an inside joke.

I need some mead… No, Aria hates it when I drink… I want to fly. “Celestia, or rather, Princess since I should address you with titles and stuff; would you mind too terribly if I asked Twilight to guide Aria and I around town from the skies?”

The look she gave me was flatter than a hotcake, which reminded me that I hadn’t gotten any fruit for breakfast for some reason. “You just learned of consistent flight, didn’t you?”

“You know, in an Illusion I was trapped in, I think I flew through one of your windows. It was literally yesterday by my accounts, but still. Memory’s a little foggy.”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “It wasn’t an Illusion, it wasn't yesterday and I suppose it can’t be helped. I swear, you weasel your way out of work more easily than anypony I’ve ever met.”

“What? You expected a being closer to your age than most to want to handle your errands?” I asked drily. “If Empress Twilight, which is what I’m going to call her, hadn’t told me to do this for you; I wouldn’t be doing it, Celestia.”

Celestia wore a mask of concern, but her eyes held no sympathy for me. “Garrison, I understand that,” Four, “you’re frustrated-”

“Perhaps we could,” Three, “speak in private?” If that got any more courteous, I’d be sucking your clit.

“Anything that needs,” Two, “to be said between us can be said,” One, “in present company, I believe.” Celestia replied.

‘Welcome, Garrison. Tell me, are you here to die?’ Her voice whispered in my head.

‘This is the closest I can get to Telepathy. In any case, spare me your false sympathies, Celestia.’ “I believe some things are better kept between fewer ears.”

‘Leave before I indict your for Second Degree Treason.’ “Garrison, my patience is like the Sun; it lasts all day, but there will be a time when it’s gone.”

‘I fucked the Goddess of War. You. Don’t. Scare. Me.’ “Such a sad day when meager requests are met with indifference.”

“Twilight?” Celestia said flatly, breaking eye contact with me, and thus the connection.

“... Yes?” She answered hesitantly.

“Take Aria to the Gardens. I believe Garrison is going to get what he wants.”

“... Um…”

Aria stood in front of me, snatching her staff from my inattentive grasp. “I’ll whack you if you hurt my brother!”

Celestia gave her a warm smile. “We’re adults, Aria. We can talk things through without physical violence.”

“That means no Magic either!”

“Of course, Dear. Run along now.” The Princess said, her tone motherly and soft.

My little sister is an idiot. “I’m gonna trust you on it, okay? I don’t want to have to whack you, after all!”

Twilight came over to Aria with a smile. “I’m sure everything will be fine. How do you feel about animals?”

“I love aminals! Aminals. Am-in-als.” She sighed, giving up.

“How old are you now, Robin?” I asked amusedly.

“Shut up.”

“Still having trouble with that word?”

“You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’, Poopbutt!”

I raised my hands and gave her an easy smile. “I cede, I cede. Go have fun with Twilight, Robin.”

Aria huffed and allowed Twilight to lead her out of the room. Celestia waited until they were gone to say, “You have one chance to explain yourself.”

I looked Celestia dead in the eye. “I’m protected by two beings far more powerful than you. You’re protected by a lot more lesser things that amount to the same shit. We can’t do anything to each other. However, I give fucks about a few things, and one of those things is my sister.”

She raised her chin at me. “I will not harm a being of love and peace for the sake of a vendetta, let alone a squabble.”

“Then what are you going to do when Aria asks you to adopt her?”

“... I beg your pardon?”

“She was sent here to familiarize herself with Dissida’s Emissary and to ask for you to be her mother.”

“That’s not odd.”

“It’s quite odd. I don’t know why she wants to be your daughter, but you’re well aware that I’ll come after you if you do her wrong, no?”

Celestia raised a brow. “And if I don’t want to become her mother in the first place?”

“Then I hope Aria’s fine with that, because it’s preferable to me.”

“And just why, Garrison, do you think I’m so untrustworthy?”

I gave her the drollest look I could conjure at the moment. “Your first thought upon meeting an amnesiac that you personally knew was to turn them into your weapon and make them expendable. That’s not mentioning that you tried to send a woman dressed as a Priestess, wielding no discernible weapons, on a suicide mission. You don’t ultimately give two shits about what happens to Aria or myself and that’s fine. Just don’t try to use us.”

For the oddest reason, Celestia cracked a smile. “Sharper than I thought, I see. And here I thought you were going to bluster and threaten about something or other.”

“I don’t like threats.”

“Neither do I.” She tapped the arm of her throne with four fingers, drumming out a hiccupy staccato. “Hmm… It seems we have a situation on our hands that we could both benefit from here.”

“Your terms?”

“Twilight’s madly in love with Jay, as you may already know. What you may not know is that I consider Twilight to be the closest thing I’ve had to a daughter in a long time. As such, I’d prefer it if Jay were to be aware of the… Repercussions, shall we say, of crossing Twilight. I would hate for him to poison her against me, but if you were to send the message...”

“I’ll protect her physically. I can’t make you a promise in good faith as far as emotion comes, especially not with something as volatile and barbed as love.” I said reasonably.

Celestia rested her chin on her hand. “Would you be satisfied with a similar promise for Aria?”

“Aria’s mentally tougher than Twilight, and I’ll happily grieve with either should they need it. I never said that I wouldn’t do my best to protect Twilight’s heart, but I’m going to ask that you let Aria experience some of the world as it is.”

“I sense a similar spirit in Aria as I do Twilight. She may not be as tough as you think.”

“She lived through Terabithia. She’s tough enough.”

“Would you care to remind me what that is?”

“The orphanage we grew up in.”

“Ah. I suppose it wasn’t a friendly place.”

I exhaled slowly. “The dead are dead and they’ve been long gone. With any luck, that Hellhole was burned to the ground.”

“Come, Garrison.” Celestia gestured for me to approach her. “I believe we’ve been at odds long enough. What do you say we wipe the slate clean, beginning with our oaths to protect Twilight and Aria?”

I leapt the distance and landed softly enough to not hurt myself, standing on the top step of the dais. “Is there more to talk about?”

“What is your earliest memory?”

I thought back, but everything was murky. “The earliest I remember is watching Aria die.”

“Before that.”

What do you want from me? I couldn’t tell you what happened yesterday, let alone a thousand fucking years ago. “Um… I remember being caned a lot. My hands were always scabbed over and I had to learn to sleep on my side. Aria was always getting picked on for being smaller than the rest of us, so I spent a lot of time fighting for her and for extra food, stuff to sell for food, etcetera etcetera.”

“What’s your happiest memory?”

“... Probably the day I was initiated into the Guild as a Varas. Youngest person to ever have the title.”

“Intriguing. How would one attain the title of Varas?”

I scratched my head. “Stealing a fortune and offering it to Furladra. Or by servicing the guild in other ways, but mostly by showing loyalty to Furladra.”

“And what would I have to do to earn the loyalty you’ve given her?”

“Furladra sold my soul to Dissida.”

“I suppose loyalty fades when the other side doesn’t reciprocate. Are you now loyal to this Dissida?”

“She’s the Goddess of War and Chaos. I’d have to be a lunatic to follow her. A murderous lunatic, not just ‘smear poo on the walls and scribble nonsense’ kind of looney.”

“... I trust that you have your soul back.”

“I do; it’s still bonding back to my body. However, that just means that it takes strong stimulus to make me feel something, which is why I’d like Jay to hurry his arse up so I don’t have to know whether it feels good or bad to kill two-legged things again.”

“It feels bad.” Celestia said drolly.

“I’m not a good person, Celestia.” I said softly. “There’s good in me, but I’ve been to Hell. I know I’m going back. I know that there were times when I took far too much pleasure in revenge, and that’s not what I want to be. I don’t want to be a thief anymore. I don’t want to be a weapon. I…” I shook my head, the words not quite forming themselves. “What about you, Celestia? What was childhood like for the Immortal Princesses?”

[...]

[ Yo, Uncle? Are you alright?]

Yeah, I’m fine, kid. Don’t worry about it.

[Just seem kinda... Spacey, I guess.]

I’m old. It happens.

[Sorry…]

{You sure you're good?}

It’s fine. Anyway, for once since I’d met her, Celestia let her mask down, specifically aiming a smirk at me. “Would you believe me if I told you that I would’ve killed to have a roof over my head during my foalhood?”

“I believe that you did.”

“Not quite literally-”

“No, you did.”

“... And what makes you think that?” She asked, rubbing her thumb along her forefinger in a circular pattern.

“Because you were only telling half of the truth. You either lied about being an orphan or you lied about what you did and didn’t do.”

“Stars forbid you become a Detective.” Celestia chuckled wearily. “I suppose there’s no harm in telling that your deduction was right. I once found myself with few options, an empty stomach, and a desire to keep my hymen. Surely you wouldn’t judge me for that?”

“Celestia, you’re a ruler. The primary ruler. You’ve done far worse that I don’t expect you to say anything about for the sake of your country. Besides, I have little room to judge anyone anyway. There were a few hundred years in The Grey that I just spent killing and eating things. And then there were a few hundred years where I helped Dissida torture sinners. And then, and this is a fresh memory, right out of the gates, there was Pops.”

“Pops? I thought you were an orphan?”

“I was, but I got adopted by some Minotaur in Minosia.”

“... Garrison, could you tell me something?”

“I probably could.”

“Do you remember anything of a group called ‘Bite-Back’?”

“It sounds familiar. Was I a part of it?”

“Does the name Odysseus mean anything to you?”

“... Gods, I am so glad he died suffering.” I spat bitterly.

“I see. Do you remember what happened? Why you hate him with such a fury?”

“... Did you know that Minotaurs consider Demons delicacies?”

“... Oh. He… He made you eat somepony, didn’t he?”

“...Even if I wasn’t a murderer, I’d still be going to Hell for that.” I sighed. “Why do we keep digging into my past?”

Celestia shrugged. “Ask and you shall receive.”

Start with something basic, I guess. “Where did you grow up?”

She shrugged again. “The town has been long lost to time. I would call it a city, but by modern standards, even for the capital, it was small. I’ve either erased the original name or repressed it so deeply that I can’t recall it.”

“There’s a deeper story behind that.” I stated.

“True.”

“Would you care to go into it?”

“It’s a very personal topic, Garrison.” She said neutrally.

“And we’re both swearing to protect people that are more valuable to us than just about any other on the planet. You said it was time for us to get to know each other. This is a good time for it.”

“Fair’s fair, I suppose. We’ll exchange childhood for childhood, then.”

“Do you have the free time to go more in depth?” I asked, expecting her to say no.

Celestia looked at me coolly, calmly analyzing me, attempting to discern my intents. “It would be the first time I closed Court without there being a crisis or celebration in a few years.”

“Your time is valuable, but isn’t it wise to spend it getting to know someone you’re going to be interacting with on a long-term basis? Especially in our positions?”

“You’ve got an answer for everything.” She mused. “It would be wise to hear more of your past if you’re actually intending on keeping your oath, so let us adjourn our talk for the time being and we’ll meet in my personal chambers.”

“Will you have someone lead me there, or am I finding my own path?”

Celestia casually gestured toward an ‘open’ window. By open I mean broken... Oops... “Weren’t you looking for a reason to fly earlier?”

“Fun.” I smiled.

She gave me a droll glare. “Don’t touch or disturb anything. Physically or with Magic.”

“Sigh.”

“You’re supposed to just do it, not say it.”

“I forgot what a sigh is supposed to be like.”

Celestia sighed, so I copied her and she gave me another look. “I’m talking to the cleverest foal I’ve ever met.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment to my boyish charm and return the favour with the fact that you are the fourth most fuckable Granny I've ever met, yet you teeter towards falling out of the top ten.”

“What a shame.”

“It truly is.” I nodded.

“... Is there anything else?”

“Nope. I’ll see you soon.” And with that, I didn’t waste anymore time in talking to the decent-looking Granny and got into the skies posthaste. It was a short jaunt in the air, but pleasant nonetheless.

Now, I don’t know what exactly I was expecting Celestia’s chambers to look like. I’m sure I had some sort of hypothesis at the time, but when I reached the tower with the Sun motif on it, I was most certainly bleemyuloned, which is to say that I had to come up with another word to describe the sheer goldness of Celestia’s room. Before I even realized it, a rivulet of drool was running down my chin as I took in all of that bloody gold. Everything, and I do mean everything, was either coated or made out of gold in the purest of forms, which was fairly obvious from just a casual inspection. From her hair-brushes to her bed, to the door and the floor, the room was gold.

I tried not to wet myself and I succeeded!

My hands itched something fierce, my very bones begging me to reach out and start filling my pockets, but my gut held me back, warning me of a trap. As much as I hated to bear the pain, the gold was out of my reach for the time being, so I found a place to sit down and close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at all of that gold just... Going to waste… Someone somewhere could’ve used one of those hairbrushes to get a nice enough little hovel to keep them decently warm in Avalesce. Could’ve fed a family for a good while. Could’ve saved a lot of kids from the Hollow.

‘Little good it’d do them. Peasants never spend their shillings wisely.’ I thought bitterly. ‘For every one with the common sense to feed their child, there’s a dozen that’d spend it on a Fancy. Fucking pathetic. That’s why I stayed in the Guild. Kept money in my pockets and let me build up my little nest egg so I could spend my shit wisely… As much as it does for me here.’

“Bit for your thoughts?”

Celestia stood in front of me, watching me with a neutral expression as I opened my eyes. “They’re not even worth that much.”

“Would it pain you to humour me?”

I sighed, hoping that I was doing it correctly and for the right reason. “There’s an awful lot of gold in here.”

“And I sense that you have none of it on your person.” She said amusedly. “You either sensed-”

“Oh, I’m going to rob you blind eventually.” I said sharply. “If this is real gold, which I’m assuming it is, then there’s a few families a Teleportation Station away who could use a little food in their bellies. This opulence is fucking ludicrous.”

Celestia nodded. “Oh, believe me you, I am quite aware of how much every item in this room is worth. And I am quite aware that if you so much as attempt to take the gifts of my friends long past, I will find ways to make you suffer that you’ve never faced before.”

“Sentiment versus survival.”

“My Ponies are my concern. My nation is my responsibility. My wealth is my own. I don’t particularly care for many of the other races in general, doubly so for their countries, and I. Earned. This.”

I plucked out my false left eye and rolled it around in my fingers. “And whose lives’ did did you earn?”

“... Is that a machine?”

“Straight from Daelus’s workshop.” I answered.

“... What’s your ploy, Garrison?”

The eye gleamed golden in the ambient light of the room before I cast it aside. “Let’s talk about us. When did you meet Luna?”

Celestia looked at where I’d tossed my eye and held a finger to her lips. “... Okay, sure. I met Luna shortly before our parents married, long before Equestria bore the name ‘Equestria’.”

I nodded. “It’s name before then?”

“Equos.”

“Odd. Do you remember your first impression of her?”

She snorted. “Luna and I were constantly suspicious of each other due to our standings as Nobles previous to the Fall of Equos, but when Castle Archa was sacked and plundered by Grogar of Moudar and his Ashen Lords, we were all we had. When we were forced onto the streets of what would later become the second capital of Equestria, Jockee, Luna and I changed our appearances to blend into the masses of refugees that were trying to escape death and reanimation. We narrowly escaped Grogar’s forces... Too many times to count, to make it brief.”

“How long did your exodus last?”

“Naught but a few years, fortunately. Once Luna and I ascended, our strength was more than enough to push Grogar out of Equestria, and once we discovered the Diadem of Sovereignty, we batted him back to Tartarus with his horns in his bottom and his bleats in the wind.” Celestia smirked. “As ill befitting of the image I commonly project as it may be, I still like to think back to the day I slayed his wife. The look of pure despair.” She chuckled. “Good times.”

I barked out a dry laugh of my own. “Miss Maiden Immaculate has a sadistic side. And here I thought you were all cyanide and happiness.”

“Keyword being ‘cyanide’. Sweet until it kills you.”

“Quite. Do you care to delve deeper into your own past, or would you like to grill me?”

“I rarely enough talk about my own history. I’m interested in seeing what someone who thinks so little of me would like to know.”

“Good, I was hoping you’d be willing to talk some more. Your voice is so much better than Dissida’s and far less subversive than Furladra’s.”

“Would you call it an autonomous sensory meridian response?” She asked, mirth in her eyes as I puzzled out what the bloody fuck ‘sensory’ and ‘meridian’ meant.

“You need use simple word. Old man old.” I grunted.

“Does my voice trigger a response in you? Do your fingers or toes tingle? Perhaps a tickle in your throat or a warm feeling in your-”

“Blue?”

Celestia stared at me. “What?”

Stripes and dots? “Blue with… Seriously? Even I know that shade of blue doesn’t go with lime green!”

“Garrison, what are you talking about?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing at all. However, your voice does make my back feel like someone’s running their fingers along it.”

“Oh, that’s not my voice.” She said pleasantly. “However, I believe you were going to ask more questions?”

“I was. When did you and Luna take over as the rulers of Equestria?”

“We took power shortly after trouncing Grogar, though we faced greater foes over the course of time. We pulled Equestria back from the brink of collapse once or twice, you know.”

“I applaud your efforts from an observer’s perspective.”

She nodded. “As one would expect. However, you may believe me to be sadistic, though there is little further from the truth. I-”

“If you say something along the lines of ‘I simply see justice to end injustice’, then I’ve got you pegged.”

“... Would you care to share your insight?”

“If my words are false, then I doubt that you would care. However, if my words happen to be true as I’m certain they are, then what stops you from lashing out?”

“My honor and my integrity should withstand whatever you have to say. The truth may hurt those who haven’t had to see it everyday for a millenium, but not us. Not anymore.”

We chuckled at the same time and muttered, “Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy.”

“I still don’t know how to explain that to mortals.” Celestia sighed wistfully.

“It’s not something we’re honestly meant to hear. Not until we’re ready, at least.”

“Gingah tinklefaewiE.” We sighed.

“... What was your tipping point?”

The Solar Princess cast her gaze away from me, reeling in a memory to share before releasing it back into the waters. “... I think it’s time we talked about you. You said Aria passed after admitting that you were a part of a Guild of thieves. I know why you joined the Guild, but when Aria passed, why did you stay?”

I looked at her questioningly. “The money. Shelter. Edible food on weeknights. Some of the older guys liked to watch me get drunk and hit on someone I’d rather not talk about-”

“Isn’t now the time for sharing?” She countered.

As little as I actually wanted to, there wasn’t much of an argument to be made against explaining Sinthia to Celestia. I ended the soliloquy with, “and it was an ugly corpse to say the least.”

“I’m sure it was. And even after that, you still stayed?”

I nodded. “I found another woman, but I didn’t love this one the same way, and Vex constantly acted like I was a semi-competent thorn in her side rather than as an underling.”

“So she treated you like her own son?”

“... She always said she was my estranged, shady Aunt who stole me away from my beauty of a mother. It doesn’t matter how she saw me. I know how I saw her.”

“And how did she pass?”

Ugh… “A band of assassins got ahold of her.”

“I’m sure you let that wound heal with the passing of time.” Celestia drawled wryly.

“I cauterized it well enough to staunch the bleeding.” I answered, my tone dispassionate.

“Hmm… Would you mind if I changed to a less depressing topic? I’m sure neither of us wish to continue ruminating on death and despair.”

“... I’m literally either Death or Despair, and I think the giant Hellhound I like to nap on might be Death.” How is Mark doing?

“So how was dying?”

“Cold. How was losing half of your heart?”

“Like chewing glass while being beaten for not chewing fast enough.”

“Replace glass with grass and you’ve got at least two weeks straight of my early days.”

“... How is that a punishment?” Celestia asked like a Pony.

I looked at her ears. “Humans can’t actually eat grass. Do you whinny too? How fond are you of sugarcubes?”

“Every Pony whinnies and I like them in tea. Is there a reason for this odd line of questioning?”

“What does grass taste like to you?”

“I wouldn’t know any other way to describe it other than grass. Most types don’t have a strong flavour, and the few that do are often named for that flavour.”

“Downright queer. Are roses spicy? I imagine they’d be spicy.”

“They’re actually somewhat bittersweet like dark chocolate. What does meat taste like to you?”

“I don’t know, or rather, I don’t recall. Hellbeast meat is rotten to the point where they sometimes use sap to stick chunks of tougher creatures onto themselves, and their hearts are magical to say the least, so they don’t taste like meat. I know what a Satyr tastes like, however. I’ll never forget that.”

“I’d rather know what a Hellbeast heart tastes like.” She droned.

“They vary on the beast. None of them are particularly better than the others, but Hellhawk hearts are my favourites since they’re harder to obtain, thus taking more time out of my insomnious existence.”

“I see the value gained in the effort spent to catch them. Could you compare the flavour to anything?”

I ruminated on the taste for a bit, inhaling through my mouth and nose subtly at the same time to get a feel for it. “It was like chocolate, but purer, like it hadn’t been cut with as much milk as any other I’d had. I remember it being a little on the sweet side though, in a way I can’t describe. However, I do know that they’re quite addictive when you technically don’t need to eat. Bears are certainly more filling and Hellcats generally taste better, but the hawks were always just superior for some reason.”

“Hmph.” She snorted in amusement. “Let me escort you out of my bedroom before you try and see if I’m a Hellbeast.”

Celestia saw the roll of my eyes with a little smile and offered me her hand, likely as a way to show that she meant no harm in her little implication. I accepted the proffered peach branch because it’s a rare occasion that a verbal jab ever gets one and didn’t actually let Celestia help me up because that would have been weird. My body is only twenty-something; my mind is the thing that’s old, or rather, my soul. Shortly after, she lead me to another part of her quarters that actually had a small kitchen, not unlike the one in Twilight’s tree .

“You don’t need to help with the tea, but if you want to spike it, the cabinet’s locked until winter.” Celestia said casually. “Otherwise, find a place and make yourself at home. Except for the obvious things.”

“Damn, and here I was hoping to practice floating in a confined space.” The snap of my fingers shouldn’t have been as loud as it was, but I was sure that it was a decent enough distraction for me to put my eye back in.

My hostess scoffed and said, “If you’ve been brute-forcing yourself into the air, then it’s no wonder you crashed straight through that arrogant fool’s home. I would applaud you, but I had to hear about it for thirty minutes. I give ponies ten to make their case so I can get on with my day, but nooo, you just had to fly around in one of the most cluttered cities in Equestria!”

“One, my feelings. Two, just have him assassinated or sent away to the Changeling Hives if he’s worth mentioning more than once.”

She stopped what she was doing abruptly to give me a stern look. “How did you know what color my livery was?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Celestia monotoned, “and don’t undress me with your eyes, lecher.”

I gave her a wink. “It’s always been a skill.”

“You do understand that I think considerably less of you for this, correct? It’s not cute coming from a being that’s a third my age-”

“It’d be like a ten year-old flippinging a thirty year-old’s skirt, except I didn’t even flip anything.”

“... You’re old enough to know better is the point.”

“You’ve called me senile more than once.”

“So you’re claiming to be a particularly smart foal?”

“If that means I get away with looking at your knickers, then yes.”

“It doesn’t, and my opinion of you slips further and further as you speak.” She grumbled, going back to making tea while I wandered around the considerably less golden room.

“A shame to be sure.”

Little was said between then and the tea coming to a boil, so Celestia and I just digested what we could surmise from each other’s stories, and we continued asking inessential questions back and forth to get better feels for each other’s character. Of course, it was a challenge for us to open up and react honestly to the others words since there was little to no trust between us, but I found that as Celestia and I talked, the more I understood that she was a very warped individual who was a little more than delusional. The way she expected the other races of Equis to snap and snarl at her was odd to say the least, but even more queer was that she seemed to believe that I would simply accept that she was a racist and leave it at that. She thought herself better than me and made it clear, which rubbed me the wrong way in a lot of ways, but it did open up an avenue for a proposition I’d wanted to run by Celestia, though she was the one who brought it up.

After a bathroom break post six cups of tea apiece, Celestia asked, “Garrison, would you like to keep stealing, or would you like to be a Ranger?”

I raised a brow. “Do the thing I know best or risk my life doing dumb shit? It’s not even a contest.”

She smirked. “Then how would you like to build your very own Guild when you get back from Minosia?”

“Hmm… Sure. Sounds good to me.”

“I didn’t expect you to jump for joy, but I did expect a reaction beyond that.”

She got a shrug for her troubles. “I was going to do it anyway and see what you thought about taking contracts for my services, but you saved me some trouble. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Celestia sniffed. “On another note, don’t you believe it’s about time for dinner?”

“I suppose I could eat something other than a cookie for once.” I hummed.

She rolled her eyes. “Would you prefer to fly or teleport? Flying will involve some walking.”

“Flying is always the answer.” I said with a grin.

She winced. “One moment.” Her forehead-jewel thing lit up and my mouth felt all sorts of funny before my jaw was wracked with pain, eliciting a grunt or two of dissent from me. “There, all better.”

I rubbed my face and worked my jaw, running my tongue over my oddly straight, weirdly smooth teeth. “Bitch.”

“What kind?”

“The bitchy kind.”

“That explains nothing.”

“Would it help if I called you a Hellhound bitch?”

“Shut up, foal.”

“Take your medicine, Granny.”

She smirked. “That’s ‘Auntie’ to you, ‘Poopbutt’.”

“More like Old Gull.” I snarked in turn.

We nodded in turn and Celestia lead us to a window that we could hop out of and stretch our wings for a bit. Well, literally for her, metaphorically for me since my wings didn’t actually need to be stretched. In any case, we got to the Dining Hall just in time to see Luna and Aria dancing a jig while Twilight clapped out of rhythm to the music playing on some odd machine. Celestia and I traded looks when we entered the room as the usually taciturn Lunar Princess made merry with my sister of all beings before I realized that Luna was probably capable of being nice on occasion, and that Aria had a habit of bringing out the best in people that actually had something worth bringing out. It changed my perception of Luna by a little bit in a good way.

Once Celestia and I were noticed in our arrival, Luna stopped dancing and straightened her skirts, her cheeks flushing while Aria danced a circle around her. “Lulu! Don’t stop now, your rhythm was just coming back!”

“Another time, Aria.” Luna said sternly.

“Lu-Lu!” Aria whined, grating on my nerves.

“Ki-Aria, respect your elders.” I said firmly.

“... Yes, brother.” She muttered petulantly.

Luna’s eyes shot open. “This oaf is thine brother!? Surely thou lie?”

“We’re kin as far as we know.” I answered. “Good evening, Princess.”

“... Good evening. I assume you’ll be joining us for dinner?”

“I think I’ve remembered more of my manners this time around. Hopefully there’s nothing too terrible.”

She sighed. “As long as I do not pick up upon thine mannerisms and revert to the elder ways.”

“Ah, so eating like a savage used to be the way to do things!” I cheered.

“Back when blood was wine and skulls were bits.” Luna said flatly.

“Sister.” Celestia said in a warning tone.

“I mean that was before Celestia and I took over.” She amended herself.

Aria wiped her brow. “Whew! For a second I thought you might be some kind of genocidal maniac!”

I didn’t miss the look Celestia sent Luna before she could say anything. Still, I figured I’d save her some trouble. “Nothing to joke about, I assure you. Let us begin dinner, no?”

That garnered me some looks, but everyone nodded anyway and we all picked our seats. Twilight chose to sit next to Celestia, and Aria and I occupied opposite sides of the middle. After awhile, Luna beckoned me to her side of the table after a lengthy conversation with Celestia about how the day had been similar to one that had occurred some hundred years ago, but when I got there with my plate, she instructed me to leave it and follow her. We left the rest of the ladies to talk to each other and Luna lead our party of two to the castle kitchens where something marvelous was on the air. I could smell something peppery and greasy that made my mouth water, but I couldn’t place the scent for what it was, despite Luna’s smug grin.

“I see that you like what you smell.”

“It’s hard not to. What am I smelling?” I asked interestedly.

“Colbe beef; some of the finest meat on the planet.” She said triumphantly.

“I’ve never heard of it, but it sounds delicious.” Apparently my smile satisfied her.

“You don’t strike me as the type to be one of Aria’s kin.”

“We both love with our whole hearts. That’s about where the similarities end.” I admitted easily.

“And loyal to a fault?”

“... That might be changing.” As much as I don’t want to admit it. Just doesn't seem like I have many trustworthy comrades at the moment, but Jay… Max vouched for him, after all.

“Troubles with allies. I understand the feeling better than most.”

I snorted harshly. “Your sister is one of the allies I doubt the most. I know she won’t hesitate to use me to get what she wants, and I don’t put it beneath her to try and hold a Priestess hostage since I doubt that they exist here.”

“They do in other lands, but regardless, I will protect Aria if I need to. Such a pure soul will remain pure by any means necessary.” Luna passed me a dark look that I met with one of my own.

“By any means necessary.” I agreed.

“... I still don’t like you.” She said bluntly.

“I didn’t expect anything else, ‘Lulu’.”

“I’ll choke you with this steak.”

“I like the smell, but I haven’t eaten a living creature in a thousand years. However, I could probably still do chicken broth. I think I’ll go have some cherries and dip them in chocolate.”

“You and Aria already ate all the cherries. I’ll have some chicken soup prepared for next time, however.”

“Strawberries?”

“Celestia and I.”

“Kiwi?”

“Twilight.”

“Banana?”

“Banana.” She nodded.

“Bana-na.”

“Yes, the bananas are still there from the last time I checked.”

“Ba-na-naaa~” I winked at her.

“Leave, foal.”

“Goodbye. Enjoy your meal.”

“I’ll be enjoying both of our meals, thank you very much.” She chucked evilly.

I nodded slowly and floated my way back to the Dining Hall instead of walking because I’m lazy sometimes and eventually got back. Aria immediately asked where Luna had run off to and I told her that she’d been far too impressed by the size of my banana and fainted, which earned me a look from Celestia and a blush from Twilight, but Aria didn’t know what a banana was until I pointed one out and dipped it in chocolate. She then ate most of them, but I found that I was actually quite a fan of chocolate covered lemons.

Up until Celestia said, “For sugar’s sake, Garrison, stop dipping whatever you find in the chocolate fountain! You’re going to sour your stomach!” I was having the time of my life.

I popped my last snack into my mouth while Twilight and Aria continued to gape at me. I then looked at the emptied area of the table that surrounded me and looked down, expecting to be made of lard. Other than a splotch of chocolate on my trousers, I was fine. “Well would you look at that.”

“... How?” Twilight asked.

The especially pale one said, “His metabolic rate is uncomfortably high. It’s not unlikely that he’s burning calories into pure magic.”

“Is that why I’m still hungry?”

“Seriously.” Aria groaned. “Even I know that you’re going to eat her out of house and home at this rate! It’s just like when you used to go around knicking purses! Once you started, you didn’t stop until curfew, and you’d make me stay inside all day while you went out and had fun!”

Twilight looked at her like she held a valid point and Celestia looked at me like she couldn’t believe I was related to that thing.

“You see what’s wrong with the scenario, right? I mean, I’m not saying that I’m faultless, but that was a horrendous comparison.” I scoffed.

My little sister puffed out her cheeks and flipped me off: doping both of the things that make her look daft and daffy like a fucking… ting. Not thing anymore. Ting. Bitch is a Gods-be-damned Ting. Which is why I said, “Poor lil’ Ting Ting can’t go out and play, how sad.”

“You said you never call me that again!” She wailed.

“And you promised that you’d stop tattling on me if I gave you an extra lolly, but I guess we’re both oathbreakers.”

“Oooh! I’m gonna whack ya, ya blarney dickswanglin’ FUCKLESNATCHA’!” Aria screamed, bounding over the table with some odd amount of agility for a girl who could barely get her feet off of the ground when she did a vertical jump.

Lunging always did happen to be her thing…

… Dodging’s mine. Aria hit the floor face first since I’d waited so long to kick myself out of her path, and it was just as hilarious the hundredth time as it had been the first. “Heya. Gotcha wanne’ handup, Bruv?” Or in Common: ‘Hey, you’ve got towant a hand after that one.’

“... Gauche?” Twilight asked.

“Don’t lunge at me and I won’t have to let you fall.” I replied airily.

Celestia sighed. “Aria, stop being such a hothead. Act your age.”

Aria picked herself up off the floor, a huge knot already forming on her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. “B-B-But he-he called me TING TING!”

“It’s just a name, Aria. It’s not a big deal-” Twilight tried mistakenly.

“It is a big deal! It means that I’m not even a thing! I’m a ting!” Aria shrieked, her hissy fit getting started in full force, but this time she had Magic and strength to back it up.

I tapped her shoulder twice and she glared at me, even as I pressed my lips against her forehead, burning hot as it was. “I still love you, Aria. everyting has a name, you know. And everyting has someone who loves it.”

She hugged me and let me hug her back, which was a sure sign that she’d grown over the years. Celestia raised a brow that I returned with one of my own, our amusement as older siblings shared in the moment. Twilight, however, had probably been expecting me to apologize and was no longer getting that satisfaction, which was fine by me. I didn’t particularly care about what was going on with her at the moment since she was probably in a naggy kind of mood since she was a little sister and all that, but I made sure that Aria was calm before I even thought about letting her go, but she still ran off to Celestia the moment I released her.

“Celestia! Garrison’s a Butthead!” She sniffled.

It was there for but a moment, but it’s presence was there nonetheless and Celestia knew that I’d seen it before she could slip on her usual mask. I’d only ever caught Desmond looking at me like that when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, but it was a look I knew well, a tenderness and trench of desire deep enough to bury the bodies of all you could slay of who would stand in your way. All it took was for Aria to stay true to herself in a land where people like her were paragons of society and running to Celestia to tell on me was just icing on the cake. I knew that the elder Princess saw the younger as a surrogate daughter, but she and her former student knew that Twilight had an actual mother who loved her far more than Celestia could, but with Aria? Her status as an orphan, childlike simplicity, and naturally compassionate disposition (When it came to stuff other than me aggravating her) shone especially bright in comparison to the taint on the in the room that was Garrison Varas, which I did not do on purpose. I did not.

[Liar.]

I’m telling a story, shut up.

[I’m gonna go get a snack, dude.]

You can eat a bloody bullet if you wanna give me lip.

[Bite mmmrph!]

You’re gonna shit lead now. How’s that feel?

[Like I need to go to the hospital you lunatic!]

{You're good.}

[No I'm not!]

You’ll be fine, wimp. Anyway, Celestia and I traded glances over the course of a few seconds before I gave her one simple nod, little more than an inclination of my head. It was all the permission she needed to prepare herself to claim my sister as the daughter she desired. “That’s true, but I’m sure there are nice things about him. He just has a hard time showing it.”

“That’s right!” Twilight chimed in. “Some ponies are really nice, but they just act tough because they feel like they have to.”

“How’s a wedgie sound?” I asked flatly. “I’m bad to the bone, Babydoll.”

“... It sounds uncomfortable for more reasons than you might think.” She frowned heavily.

“I’ll lift you off the ground as I do it if you don’t hush.”

She made a strange gesture across her lips, locked them, and tossed the invisible key.

“Alrighty then.” I nodded, looking over to the ordeal of actual importance. Aria had made the taller woman wrap her arms around her so she could continue to glare at me, but it was cuter than it was anything else.

“Garrison, why don’t you go train with the Rangers for awhile? I believe you’ve livened things up enough for the time being.” Celestia said softly, trying not to smile as she cuddled my HuggyBear.

With a heavy sigh, I hung my head. “Do I have to?”

“Would you care if I said yes?”

“Not really, but I was trying to pretend. I’m going to go find a cloud to sleep on, so take care of Aria for me.”

“Not fair!” My grown toddler of a sister cried. “Why does Garrison get to do all the fun stuff!? Even Ranger training sounds fun!”

“Umm… Garrison? Can I talk to you for a second?” Twilight asked quietly while Celestia soothed Aria all over again.

I flew over the table casually and had a seat next to her. “Sure thing. What’s the problem?”

“... Are you sure you’re related to Aria?”

“I’m as sure as I need to be. I love her and that’s all anyone should really care about.”

“... Do you love me like you love her?” She inquired, her tone unreadable, though her expression told me that she was anxious to hear my answer.

“In a different way, yes.” I answered carefully.

Twilight offered me her hand and I took it. Moments later we were sitting on a sofa in an unfamiliar room. “Garrison, would you do me a favour if I asked something reasonable?”

“Of course, Twilight. I like you well enough to help you overhaul your wardrobe.”

She blinked. “... I mean, thank you, but I’d rather just ask for some advice.”

“Alas, my advice is legendarily expensive. It’s going to cost you, Twilight.” I said severely.

Twilight glared at me. “You can’t charge somepony for advice!”

“I can. If you want advice from me, you have to hug me. That’s how it’s always been with Aria. You can pay up front or-” Twilight tackled me and thankfully didn’t gore me with her horn while she did it. “Up front it is.”

Twilight laid on me and propped her chin up on my chest. “Garrison, how do I get the stallion I want without being pushy about it?”

“... Take what you want.” I said slowly. “If you have to share then share since polyamory might work for someone as sweet as you, but if you want a piece of someone, then you’re going to have to grab for it, I’m guessing. Patience isn’t always key when it comes to love, you know?”

“... That’s… That’s really different from what everypony else told me… I mean, they told me to get my stallion, but actively doing something…”

“I’ll flip your skirt in front of everyone if you don’t.” I deadpanned.

“Gauche!”

“I really truly will.”

“That’s not necessary, nor is it something you should even do!”

“That’s why I’d do it. Duh.”

She slapped my chest and it stung a bit. “Be nice!”

I gently pinched her full cheeks and made her lips move for a few seconds, making her say, “I am Twi-wight. I wike woms.”

It was worth the blow. “I do not like worms, you Butthead!”

Both sisters in one day: What are the odds? Oh, wait, it’s me… Not making anything on that one. “Well, at least we know I’m not related to you.”

“That’s not really a good thing or a bad thing, I guess. Maybe when Aria and I have babies you could be our donor.” She said evilly.

“I don’t understand, but I’m sure I could do that for you.” I replied easily, knowing that I’d probably walked right through Twilight’s trap.

“Eww!” The Princess giggled, not unlike a seven year-old. “You want to have babies with your sisters!?”

“Why’d you bring it up? I think all this skinship is getting to into groin and through to your head.” You’re not gonna win this one, Doll.

Twilight blinked a few times. “What?”

“I bet you’re laying on me because you want to feel it, don’t you?”

“Wait, feel what!?” She asked, alarmed, scurrying off of me.

I took my first deep breath in a good while. “Never mind. Who’s the ‘stallion’ you want?” Not that I don’t already know twice over.

Twilight blushed and waited for me to sit up and actually look at her to say, “... Um… Well… You know him...”

“Jay?”

“... Yeah.”

“I like that guy. Seems to have a good head on his shoulders for the most part.”

“He really does!” She gushed immediately. “Oh, he’s so handsome and smart in ways that you just don’t see! Every time I look at him my heart gets all fluttery and my stomach starts doing flips, but…” Twilight trailed off, drawing a little circle on the couch. “I tried to make it obvious that I liked Jay so he’d like me back, but I guess I was waiting for him to ask me out.”

“Yeah, guys are dumb when it comes to girls. Most of us are, anyway.” I said casually.

“True enough, but Jay’s not your average guy!”

“I’m sure he’s not, but are you sure that he’s the one for you?”

“I’m as sure as I can be, Gauche, I just don’t know if I can share him with somepony…”

“I don’t recall who his lover is, but isn’t she one of your friends?”

“Exactly! I don’t want things to get weird between us because I want to date him too, but I have a feeling that it’s exactly what’s going to happen!”

“So you don’t want him.” I nodded sagaciously.

“No! I wouldn’t be so stressed out if I didn’t want him, Dummy!”

“Then take the risk, Dummy-Dumb-Dumb.”

My carefree words garnered a vexed, saddened look. “What part of ‘It’s not that simple.’ do you not understand, Gauche?”

“What part of ‘If you want to stop pining after him, go take your fucking shot’ do you not understand?” I shot back harshly. “You whine and mope about not having him, but you’re not willing to actually make a move? How long was I gone, Twilight? Because the Mare in front of me isn’t the one that brought me here from Minosia.”

Her bottom lip wavered as I glowered at her, my tough love working its way into her heart. “... That was mean, Gauche…”

“It was meant to be. Are you going to ask him out, or am I going to have to make you?” I asked, my tone lethal and my gaze intense.

Twilight gulped. “Wh-What are you going to do?”

Leaning in, I growled, “Do you really wanna know?”

“... Please no.” She replied, her voice miniscule at best.

I sat back and let my gaze cool. “You have three days to ask him out from the first time you see him. If I know you saw him and didn’t ask, that’s five. Twice is ten. Three is twenty.”

“... Twenty what?”

“Twenty wedgies in public.”

“... My stars…” She gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Ask. Aria.”

Twilight’s face lit up bright red and she started trembling. “Dear Celestia, please, Gauche! Please don’t!”

“Are you going to ask him out?”

“Yes, I will! just don’t give me wedgies!” She mewled.

“Good Twilight. You can have another hug if you’d like.” I gave her a warm smile.

“No! You’re gonna give me a wedgie like a bully!”

“I swear that I won’t.”

Twilight gave me some potent sad eyes, but Aria was better at tweaking her expression. “Promise?”

“A swear is a promise.” I chuckled.

She leaned forward hesitantly and let me wrap my arms around her for a second or two before I let go, holding onto her hands. “I do care for you, Twilight. I want you to be happy, and seeing you pine after someone who could be attainable for you makes my heart hurt. I’m serious about the wedgies, but I’m also serious about you taking this chance to put some romance in your life that doesn’t come from a good book.”

My newly minted little sister gave me a forgiving smile, though it was a little unsteady. “... Do you think he’ll say yes?”

“Is he a fool?” I asked flatly.

“Of course not!”

“Pete fell out of the boat. Repete.” I said, making a casual gesture.

“... What?”

“Pete is a name and ‘Repete’ is his brother’s name. They went out on a boat and Pete fell out. Who was still in the boat?”

“Repe- Oh! That’s clever!”

“It’s an old Avalesch pastime, along with Who’s Up First for the Nevergreen. Can we go get something to eat now?”

Twilight stared at me for a solid ten seconds before asking, “Seriously?”

“... I feel like I should say that I’m joking, but I could go for a big thing of broccoli. I think it was the talk of trees.”

“... You’re a strange, strange Stallion, Gauche, but I can’t help but like you.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Maybe it’s just because you’re a softy at heart?”

“Tell anyone and I’ll put you in a box for a day.”

“That’s just rude. And cruel. Will it be a big box?”

“It’ll be napping size.” I confirmed.

“I can deal with that for a day, I gue- Ew, no! I won’t tell anypony, I promise!”

“That’s what I thought.” I’d give you a bucket, but it’s not important now, now is it?

With our talk having gone reasonably well and my Big-Brothering being done for the day, I decided to get the Hell out of Canterlot for a few hours and just see how fast I could go in the sky, leaving all my stress, worries, hypotheses and suspicions in the air behind me for the time being. My worries about Celestia potentially poisoning the foundation of the love that I’d been able to hold onto through so much turmoil and bloodshed were smashed into a wall of air along with the rest of me, and my desires for companionship were pounded against every cloud on my way down. The supposition that Furladra was trying to curry my favour once more for the sake of abusing it was dashed against yet another wall of nothing: my twisted, warped love and hatred of Dissida getting the same treatment soon after. The fog that blocked off so many of my memories thickened with the speeds and cleared for but a second with every sudden jolt and stopped until I just ran out of energy. It was dusk when I finally decided to calm down and stop blowing so much time trying to get out of my mind, but just as I was about to give up and go back to the mountain, I decided to try one last thing to get past that blasted wall of air that had left me battered and bruised.

As with all ideas that come with exhaustion and foolishness, it was amazing simple: All I was going to do was recreate the rifling of a gunbarrel with a fuckton of Wind Magic and launch myself through it using an Air Coil. I didn’t expect it to do anything more than shake loose a few memories, but I was so, so unbelievably bewildered by the result of my idiotic trick. Creating the tunnel was equally as difficult as making a ball of air around myself, which isn’t really saying much, but it took a little doing with my state at that time. However, I was determined to zoom because there was just so much weight on my heart that I wanted to blur it away and stop worrying all together, so I persevered persistently until I prevailed, creating the Coil, the Tunnel, and a ball of air that doesn’t need a name or anything.

Loading up wasn’t as harrowing as one might think since hitting the same wall at the same speed dozens and dozens of times over the course of some hours over the same day just got to be par for the course at some point. Still, I wanted just one more moment of release before I landed back at the mountain, so I loaded myself into my jury-rigged Air-Gun before I had the idea that saved my life: Clear the air, as in everything ahead of me so that nothing could live in the space provided. It wouldn’t matter since I’d be passing through in less than a second, so I wound up the Air Coil, brought the Air Tunnel to myself, and cleared the air ahead of me as far as I could. Once I was sure that I was good to go, I let loose, and I do mean that I let loose.

Hell charred and blackened twice over and Tartarus split in twain from the crack of lightning that occurred when I took off. I wasn’t expecting the dust that had collected to do much more than be dust, but I suppose that I should’ve excluded the moisture out of the air. If only I knew how to do that at the time. Regardless, I took off faster than I thought a thing was capable of moving, the world slowing down to match the raw speed I’d obtained from what I later learned was the effect of the cylindrical vacuum I’d created. The wind force was brutal on my shield, but I held it together and marveled at the world in motion, time standing still for me while I just… Flew. The Magic in the air… It came to me in waves to keep me going, being drawn into the vacuum like myself and my bubble, but the moment I left the vacuum, my shield shattered, a wedge of wind forming in from of me as I held what I could together, finding that a conical shield was far more effective than a round one. Over the course of but maybe a minute, I tried half a dozen different pointed shapes before I settled on a conical design with knife-life tillers to help me steer.

Sadly, that minute meant that Canterlot was out of sight, leaving me to fly over a giant forest that smelled like a funky swamp from above. There were trees for as far as I could see, so I turned and started heading the way I’d come from, my speed making the turn extremely wide. Interestingly enough, I had a trail following me that was primarily green and black for some odd reason, streaming behind me like a cloud in and of itself. Even as fast as I was going, however, I never did clear the forest before I started losing air. After giving myself such a beating and using so much of the Magic I’d never fully replenished in the first place, I slowly began falling out of out of the air, my exposed skin sore and aching as the intensity of the wind died down, my consciousness fading as I saw something on the horizon.

Instead of struggling for just a few more steps and possibly getting myself hurt, I landed early in the tallest tree I could find and found a fucking massive nest that seemed to have housed some kind of proportionally massive birds at some point judging from the five foot long downy feathers that were stuck into the vines and branches that make up the nest. The eggshells were easily fifteen feet tall and the nest was well made, so I found a decent nook to crawl into and dragged one of the smaller fragments of shell to cover my hiding place while I slept.

Author's Note

THIS IS HOWIE DEWITT
AND WELCOME TO PRIME TIME TELEVISION!
Tonight: Anal Team plays Sex Supreme! Backwards!

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Chapter Twenty-Six Part II: The Loom of Destiny

Chapter Twenty-Six Part II: The Loom of Destiny

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Right, so Garrison already covered a lot of stuff, but since we’re starting with what I did during my days of prep, we’re going to have to start from the moment Garrison and I split up to start making our separate operations function as they should. My Regiciders were a small team since we didn’t have many unmarked fighters in our ranks. However, Maud was apparently tied to an Old Money family back in Equestria, so she was going in as our lady and I was doing the lady in waiting thing while we had a couple of buff Bitches as our guards so we wouldn’t raise suspicion like we would have with Minotaurs or pretty much any other race. In fact, I was the most sketchy thing we had going in there, but even so, I just had to carve a little bit of Tweek-Speke into a small metal place, cast a brand, and burn the rune into myself so I could alter my appearance with Blood Magic by using the mini-circle.

In all honesty, I didn’t give two shits about the pain at the time, and I just wanted to make Mari’s body feel more like my own, but I’d already started getting used to being a woman since I couldn’t remember what being a man felt like, and I knew that diving into my past to find out would get me fucked up on a whole ‘nother level by Lujei. I had to play her game, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t abuse the loopholes she left. During the first day of my Prep hase, I spent most of my time either carving my flesh so that I’d be as tough and agile as I’d been prior to becoming a woman or bloodletting and subsequently stuffing my face with the seventeen pounds of bread I’d asked for from the kitchen. Excessive? Definitely. Overboard? Yup. Necessary? True. I ended up getting nearly three gallons of blood out of twelve hours worth of bloodletting, binge-eating, and subsequent enhanced cellular respiration-based meditation. In other words, I turned bread into Magic, Magic into blood, and blood into yet another horrible idea.

I spilled the blood of a virgin in a small room that I’d been lent for the ‘experiment’ (A little white lie) and removed the Pentacle Pendant from my neck before tossing it into the center of the room. Lujei’s eyes were on me during the event, and I could feel her intrigue. Her protection wasn’t guaranteed, necessitating a few more drops of blood to be pressed into runic brands along the insides of my biceps. The first three were all physical impact dampeners that would last for about three Earth Pony kicks in a row apiece, and the next three were all Backlash/Reverb diverters that would funnel any malevolent Magicks that were flung my way to the Pentacle Ring, which would hopefully nullify it.

As the Pendant and my highly magical, extra virgin Human oil mingled and I tried to get over the feeling of having my feet soaked in my own blood, I noticed that the cool, viscous substance had started to warm and bubble around me. Groans from the walls sounded as lights appeared in eye sockets and souls were rested from the afterlife to bear witness to some shit that I didn’t really understand. The Pentacles were both written in Rune Cyphers that I wasn’t too terribly familiar with, and the phrasing of both had me confused as to what they were actually supposed to do, so when I saw that the blood in the room gravitated not towards the pentacle but toward the ring, I wondered what the fuck was going on until I realized that the ring must have needed to be fed through blood and the amulet/pendant through raw Magic. The ring was fucking supercharged. I mean…

There was no way in Hell I was ever taking the damn thing off. The thing had two people worth of blood in it, and those two people? A-Rank Blood Mages. The ring was officially powerful enough to give a D-Rank Earth Pony or Mundusian more than just a chance against me, and I wasn’t willing to let that kind of downright evil power go along and tempt somebody. At least if I kept it, I wouldn’t be affected by my own darkness since it’s mine. Shit’s my own Magic, so as long as it’s my blood in the ring, everything’s Gucci.

As far as the pendant went, it managed to absorb a little Magic, but I guess it has to be more of a direct attack for the thing to actually activate or something along those lines. In any case, I was tired as fuck, but I still had more shit to do, so I spent a couple more hours carving runes into little metal discs that I had the Minotaur smiths make for me whenever they weren’t doing something else. The little poppers wouldn’t do much to anyone one by one since they weren’t exactly large, but a handful thrown at someone’s face? Distracting enough to make for a clean getaway, and I love not getting caught.

After doing myself a favor and finally going to sleep, there were a few lovely dreams that involved my worst moments up to date. As always, it was a pretty nice time. After a pretty haunting slumber, I used my Super Sanity to locate some potent herb and got my Wake n’ Bake on, wishing that I could feel something other than the muted shades of emotions that were flowing through me. I kept my eyes wide open metaphorically since seeing everything without my shades to blur my True Sight, but all I was seeing were old lives and atoms flying about, which was annoying. I figured out how to filter my vision by giving fewer fucks about what I was seeing, but I was still basically tripping my ass off for a hot minute.

During the second day of the prep phase, I hit up the Minotaur smiths again so I could ask if they could show me a thing or two while I was in Bonetown. The forges were all spaced evenly in the smithing quarters, but when I walked up to a big splotchy brown and white Bull to ask if he could teach me, he laughed in my face and said, “Ha! A little Cow smaller than a Cat wants to learn how to forge like a Minotaur! Ah-ha-ha-” I got sick of his shit. “Argh!”

A swift kick to his hoof and a sharp tug on his arm had his horn in the palm of my hand in two seconds, if that. Bouncing his head off of his anvil was probably unnecessary, but then again, he didn’t have to laugh at me, now did he? “Didn’t your mother ever teach you to treat a lady with respect, or did your Dad just neglect to teach you to avoid underestimating someone?”

“Urgh…” He groaned, getting up slowly. “You sound like Maud.”

“Fap to her, not me.” I deadpanned. “Now how the fuck do I make hammer thing to the sharpness of metals?”

Once he was finally on his hooves he gave me a look. “All the cute ones are crazy.”

Popping my knuckles, I asked, “Do you know what corvee labor is?”

“... Let’s get ta forgin’.”

He got himself a little wink for that. “Aren’t you just the sweetest?”

Inwardly I threw up, but outwardly I also almost threw up. Mari giggled in the back of our head and I broke one of our soul’s legs to get back at her for it, which she was pretty pissed about. That was the fucking point since she shouldn’t have made me say gay shit if she didn’t want to suffer for it in turn. I mean, seriously! It was her fucking body and she was making me drive it! The whole situation was definitely bullshit, but she wouldn’t last long enough to kill herself, and Lujei would torture us for it anyway, so I kinda had to be in charge. Shit sucked enough without Mari making life even more difficult on me, which I tried to explain to her crazy ass, but she’s as far gone as I am. Some things just aren’t going to matter to people like us.

Anyway, I spent a full day learning things about forging and shit, which actually just sucked. Straight up. Forging is ass in a glass with shit bits in it. It’s hot, hitting metal makes your hands hurt, and it’s so much easier to just Alchemize a workable blade and refine it from there rather than forging the damn thing yourself. Fortunately for the dumbasses who thought that engravings were just meant to be personalizations, I happened to be an Artificer with a knack for sharing information and teaching as I’ve been taught. Despite not being all that sociable in the first place, I’m fully aware of the fact that I can teach my ass off when I feel like it, and having a bunch of motivated learners ready to absorb everything I had to teach them was pretty fucking dope.

The thing about me teaching the Minotaurs about Runes was that Sola-Phestus, the main Rune Cypher used worldwide, was halfway based in an ancient Minotaur dialect, thus making it the only one they really wanted to learn more about since the Minosian Universities were expensive and there were few enough people who could master Artificery well enough to teach it in the first place. I really didn’t like teaching them the basics of such a limited Cypher, but they’re the ones who wanted to learn Sola-Phestus, so that’s what I taught them. Not my brightest idea, but not the worst one either. I’m sure we’re all well aware of the first one.

[Dating Twilight?]

{Trusting Ty?}

Damn, y’all cold.

{Well, if you hadn’t dated Twilight, you might still be on Arkaid in the first place, and if you’d have clipped Ty off when he was properly poisonous in the first place, you might have gone and went to the collage thing.}

[College, and he’s kinda right…]

Shut the fuck up. Anyway, the day of the actual mission was a hectic one. I’d been fitted for a shitty dress that was way too feminine for me to be comfortable with wearing it, but Frieda, God bless that woman, had been kind enough to find me some pretty unsexy undergarments that would just be considered gay for a guy to wear and odd for a woman. I mean, the boyshorts made my ass look great, and it was kind like wearing boxer-briefs, and the camisole was just like wearing football pads that weren’t as hot. Kinda. I fooled myself as best I could, but I’d gotten a couple of voiced concerns from my students and the odd Pony I came across whenever I had trouble holding it all together. The morning of the mission wasn’t much different, but apparently it was just my vibe that was off since I still hadn’t quite figured out facial movements.

Garrison neglected to cover breakfast since it happened after he ditched me with some more Minotaurs for the day, but I ended up catching a seat with Frieda and Shifty Sands, a Unicorn in the Bite-Back Medical Unit. While we were talking over some omelettes and whatever the fuck it was that Sands ate, I asked, “So what’s up with the power structure around here? I know Garrison and I are basically hired muscle, but where do we fall on the ladder?”

Frieda’s beak curved down slightly and Sands outright frowned. “Well, Garrison’s kind of like Grey Grotto’s Black V.”

I blinked at the Mare. “Did you just say ‘Black V’?”

“Do you know of him?”

“‘V’ for ‘Vendetta’?” I asked incredulously.

“No, you’re thinking of the Red V in Ponitaly.” Frieda said like that wasn’t equally retarded.

“Whatever.” I grumbled. “I get it. I’m expendable, he’s King of the Hill right now.”

Frieda tapped my shoulder with her talons. “It’s just the way things are, Jay. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get all the cred’ for killing Herodotus and Bite-Back will worship you?”

I gave her the only smile I’d figured out how to do right, which was the appreciative one. “I’ll be sure to grab one of his horns for you.”

“I’m so good on that.” She chuckled.

“What, you don’t want to shave one down into a ‘tool’ and see what the King himself feels like?” I asked, trying to entertain myself.

Sands giggled her ass off for a few seconds and Frieda hit me again. “Plucking feathers, you’re such a guy!”

“I was born a man!”

“What.” Shifty stated rather than asked.

“Yeah, I was tortured until I willingly made my soul leave my body and got shoved into this one. Might be pretty now, but getting into it wasn’t.”

“... Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s a fuckin’ trip, lemme tell ya.” I scoffed. “Anyway, when are the briefings going on again?”

Frieda shrugged it off and Sands followed suit shortly after. “You’ve still got a couple of hours if you want to go topside for awhile.”

“Not like I’d know how to get back.” I sighed.

“Make it a date and I’ll take you~” Frieda teased.

“Sure thing, Dollface. Just let me tell my three girlfriends that the beaked menace has their honey.” I shot back, smirking.

“Seriously, you are so much more fun to talk to that Gauche. I swear that guy just likes to say bullshit and tease a gal all day.”

I gave her a look. “At least he’s not your soulmate.”

“Oooh…” She hissed.

With a roll of my eyes, I asked, “Is there any place we should go while topside or what?”

“Can’t think of anywhere in particular, but it’s not like it’s hard to get back to the Catacombs from anywhere in town.”

“It’s harder in broad daylight.” Sands pointed out.

Frieda shot her a look. “We have connections that’ll just let us in through the front door.”

“Point Frie-Frie.”

“I’ll cut you.”

I chuckled. “Cutesy nickname for a pretty woman. I can dig it.”

Featherhead squawked and tossed the rest of her omelette down her throat because gizzards. “I don’t.”

“Sisters in annoyance over dumb pet-names?”

“Sure. Does that mean you pay for drinks?”

"No, it means I warn you against fucking idiots." I gave her a wink.

Frieda clicked her beak three times, but I had no idea what that meant, so I ate food. It was passable. With our new bond founded, we did some walking and talking about stuff in general. Frieda had a hard time remembering that I was a guy in a woman and pretty much just treated me like a lesbian that she wasn’t opposed to sleeping with, just not necessarily eager to give the freaky-beaky to. Since we knew where we stood, we actually bonded over a mutual distrust of guys like Garrison in general, though we had to laugh at how odd it was that we’d managed to find that the honorable thief come assassin apparently wasn’t completely gone in the noggin. We also got along due to our mutual love of blackberry juice, gyros, a respect for people who actually did forge shit, and oddly enough, cacao coffee candy. Somehow between the two of us, we also disliked green apples, cauliflower, the smell of our bovine friends, and heat, which was odd because the last one could be rectified by moving out of the hot-ass, shitty-ass country she lived in. It wasn’t my problem per se, but I did like her enough to point it out.

While we were playing ‘Olive or Grape’ with some shit we bought, I asked, “So why don’t you just move out of this Hellhole? I mean, I can sense the evil in the earth here, and it’s radiating from the castle. I’d be hella surprised if this whole city wasn’t cursed.”

Frieda clicked her beak once. “Eeyup.”

“... S’why you can’t leave, isn’t it?”

“Eeyup.”

“So I’m definitely gonna take care of our Herodotus problem, and if the curse persists, then well-”

“Don’t give me false hope, Jay.” She sighed.

I threw an olive or a grape at her. “You’re talking to a guy who can either take care of the problem himself or get one of the best problem solvers around to do it for him.” Or I could just tell Okthus to overwrite the curse with one of his own silly shits. Whatever.

Frieda threw a grape at me and I ate it, spitting the seed out casually. “If you actually manage to kill this curse, Grey Grotto is going to be chock-full of people that’ll worship you over Gauche. He might have made life liveable here, but no one really wants to be here.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Please do.”

We walked on in silence until we hit Bonetown again where I asked, “So what got you into Bite-Back, Ellie?”

“... Ellie?”

“Frieda is short for ‘Elfrieda’, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is Ellie cool?”

She nodded a couple times. “... It’s already kinda growing on me. Anyway, as for what got me into Bite-Back… Let’s just say that Minotaurs aren’t sexually compatible with many races, and one of them was dead-set on teaching me that in the least pleasant way possible.”

“Has he already been taken care of?” I asked darkly.

“Sectus, the guy who gave the order, is pretty plucking dead. The guy who actually did it? He’s in Equestria, traipsing around Celestia’s court with Prince Blueblood.” She spat bitterly.

I put a hand on her shoulder and smiled as best I could, making her give me a worried look as I said, “I’ll take care of him. What’s his name?”

“Sextus Tarquin.”

I raised a brow. “Does the name ‘Lucretia’ mean anything-”

Elfrieda’s talons gripped the front of the shirt I’d worn topside as her other hand prepared to end me. “Lie and die. Who are you?”

“The Rape of Lucretia was a piece of Roman history back on my home planet, Earth. Lucretia was a noblewoman and Sextus was a member of royalty, and the event resulted in the Roman Monarchy turning into a Republic.”

She stared at me, her breathing evening out from the heavy panting she’d been doing as she let me go and dropped her talons. “... Sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“Don’t kill yourself.” I said flatly.

“... Was that in the story too?”

“Eeyup.”

“Maybe I just want my revenge, Jay. Maybe that’s all I want at this point.”

“Too bad. Live for something, die for something. I’ll beat it into you like a dog-knot if I have to, capische?”

She just shook her head. “Leave well enough alone, Jay.”

“You’re not well enough to leave alone.”

“Pluck, that was actually kinda good.” She grumbled.

I tapped her beak with a finger and she half-heartedly pecked at me. “I look after people I trust, Frieda, and I trust you. If I have to kidnap Sextus and keep him alive in a dungeon, rotting and festering for a hundred years just to keep you alive for another day, then I happily will.”

“... You Humans are weird.” She chuckled, shaking her head and looking down. Her gaze swept up to meet mine and she scooped one of my boobs, but tit no jiggle because sports bra.

I cupped my chest anyway and tried to give her a look. “Stop it, you fuckbitch.”

“Right, like I’m the lecher here.”

“That’s right! I’m glad to see that you see some sense, at least.”

Frieda gave me another look and started walking down the hall again, so I followed and she said, “... Y’know, I wouldn’t mind if you called me Tia.”

“Elletia.” I chuckled.

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“That’s actually a pretty name.” She commented airily, like she was giving it more thought than she probably had any reason to. “It’d be a perfect name for a little fledgling.”

“Maybe-”

“Can’t.” She said before I could actually hurt her unintentionally.

“Adopt, fool.” I snorted.

She gave me a look that turned into one of consideration. “... Maybe.. Never really thought about it. Plenty enough orphans who are just as fucked up as I am for it.”

I shrugged. “Word on the grapevine is that Schrade keeps turning down tail because he doesn’t want you to pass him by.”

Birdy-Cat clicked her beak twice. “He knows that I’ve been biding my time for Socrates to get out. He’s actually a little like you and Gauche put together, if you ever get the chance to meet him.”

It was chuckle-worthy “Sounds like a menace.”

“Nah, he’s a real sweetheart. Wouldn’t hurt a wasp if it stung him twenty times, but the guy can cook like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Ooh, housetrained!”

Tia hip-checked me with a little grin. “I just hope he hasn’t lost his touch after being locked up for a year. It’ll be good to see him again.”

“Let me guess; he’s the right kind of gentle?”

Frieda’s beak turned upward at the corners and her eyes gained a glossy look to them. “Yeah. Yeah he is.”

I giggled at that because Mari’s a faggot, but I was with a woman at the moment, so I cared less about maintaining my appearances since Frieda and I already seemed to be crossing into personal territory. “Well, if anyone tries to get in your way, they’ll have to deal with me, sister. I gotcher back.”

She laughed at that and we bullshitted around for a few more minutes until we got to our briefing rooms. We had to split up since we were on separate Ops, but I didn’t have long to up and not talk to people since Maud located me as soon as I stepped into the conference-style room. Kerrick and a few others were in there already, but Maud took me outside so we could have a little chat.

“You are Gauche’s soulmate,” she said plainly, like her voice was a salt flat and there was no life to be seen in any direction.

“Yeeeah, not really my choice on that one. Blame the Shell, not the guy in it.” I replied uneasily.

Maud didn’t blink. “Gauche is mine.”

“Garrison is yours.”

“I don’t think you understand-”

“I have three girlfriends and I’m not gay. I want to sleep with women.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, uh, ya might wanna worry more about Garyboi tryna fuck me over me fuckin’ him. I don’t even like touchin’ my damn equipment, Maud, and I don’t want anyone else touchin’ me either right now. And Garrison? Muhfucker’s on the top of the list of muhfuckers I don’t want touchin’ me.”

She raised her hands. “I apologize for-”

“And the fuck makes you think that a guy who was born a guy would wanna fuck another guy he didn’t like that much in the first place!? I mean, shit, fuck that shit! I don’t wanna fuck a dick on some gay shit like some faggot-ass fruit fairy-ass twinkie nigga! Like, the fuck-”

“Jay-”

“Fuckin’ bullshit-ass Black Magickin’-ass muhfuckin’-ass-”

“Jameson-”

“Don’t fuckin’ call me that! Do I look like a fuckin’ Jameson to you, bitch!? Jameson I knew didn’t have no ginga-ass hair, wasn’t no titty-havin nigga! Muhfuckah ain’t had no fuckin’ tiddies since fuckin’ puberty and now this fuckin’ weird-ass freaky-ass vagina-havin’-ass-”

Maud slapped my shit. “Calm down.”

“Ow.”

“Are you calm?”

I rubbed my face. “I have impact dampeners and that shit still hurt.”

“You were getting on my nerves.”

“I’d fuck you up if I hadn’t been in the middle of a panic attack, so thanks, I guess.”

“I will slap you softly next time. Or lick you. Licking works for Garrison.”

“Just hit me next time. I don’t want slobber on my face unless it’s Fluttershy’s.”

Maud nodded. “I see. I apologize for stressing you out further before a mission. You do not need the worries of romance when I do not want you to die.”

“Goddamn.”

She shrugged. “It is as it will be. I will keep you alive so long as you keep your hands off of my Stallion.”

“No problem,” I replied, already thinking of letting Okthus have her after I became God.

{I’ll shoot you.}

I said I was thinking of it, not planning on it. There’s a difference, you know?

[Just get on with it!]

Fair enough. So Maud and I came back into the conference room, and since we were technically the last ones to arrive, we got chewed out and I snitched Maud out to Kerrick for the simple fact that she’d let a matter of the heart get in the way of a mission, which was foolish. Kerrick promised to have words with her later, but Maud didn’t seem to care, and everyone in the room knew that Maud and I were the only ones who would walk out in a real brawl, so his words were taken with a grain of salt and the meeting was commenced posthaste.

“Ears sharp and mouths shut. This is the most important mission Bite-Back Minosia’s ever had on record, and right now it’s looking like this is the best chance we’ll have at getting the fire started. Now the plan isn’t exactly complicated. Maud, being our Lady, shall approach Herodotus and garner his attention long enough for one of our snipers to line up a shot-” My hand went up. “Madam?”

“Call me Madam again and I’ll geld you, but anyway, why don't you just let me summon a Demon and have him take care of business? It’s not slave labor if he likes doing his job.”

I got some stares for that, but it really was the most efficient idea until Kerrick said, “The Iron Crown’s home is warded against all manners of spirits and Djinni. If you’re just going to summon a Demon from Tartarus, then you’re feather-headed.”

“Tch, you’ve never seen a real Twelve-Twelve. Your little ‘Tartaric Demons’ aren’t even Demons most of the time, Kerrick. Satyrs, Centaurs, Rams, Wolves, Panthers, and Crocs barely even have Magic. Well, Satyrs have a little, but it’s for nature, like growing berry bushes and shit. Honestly, take a trip to Tartarus sometime with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and empty air in the other and you oughta be fuckin’ welcomed. Most of the sumbitches down there are more afraid of the undead and Equestrians than you guys are of them.”

I earned even more stares for that, but Kerrick was a smart, goal-oriented man. “Can you control this Demon of yours?”

“My whim is his law.”

“Need me a man like that.” I heard some dumb cunt mutter.

“I can show him to you if you like.” I said pleasantly.

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” Kerrick replied. “I trust you to do as you need to, just make sure to keep the Bite-Back casualties to a minimum.”

“I think it’s necessary.” One of Maud’s guards barked. “Let’s see what we’re working with before we get surprised.”

“Point to the Bitch over there.” I gestured toward her while looking at Kerrick.

He shrugged. “Go for it.”

I smiled and stuck my fingers in my mouth before whistling for Okthus. Thankfully he wasn’t terribly busy at the moment, or otherwise I probably would have been outright killed for employing him. As it was, when he showed up with the Arkaidite Twilight’s lower half and precious little else as he bounced it up and down along his razor-wire covered shaft. “Okthus was cumming!”

“Okthus, say hi to the nice people.”

He ripped the mangled corpse off of his dick and waved like an upset child. “Hi.”

I swept a hand toward him. “He kill real good.” A snap of my fingers sent him away. Arkaidite Twilight’s legs were still on the conference table directly in front of Maud. She stared at the bloody, gouged hole where Okthus had been busy since he’d thrown it like I’d instructed him to. Her face remained flat, but she did grow a few shades paler. Considerably, actually. “You okay over there, Maud? I know it’s grisly, but he’s a real sweetheart once you get to own him.”

“Don’t you mean ‘know’?” She monotoned, turning toward me.

“Nnnope.” I winked at her and pointed at the legs and cunt on the table. “He’s probably known her for a few millennia at this point, but that’s what happens when you piss me off bad enough.”

Pale turned white and Maud seemed like she might be ill at any moment, so I got Kerrick to start going over the finer details while Maud was in shock. I mean, I made my Furies come back and clean up Okthus’ mess, but they scared her too, which was great. It probably didn’t help that the whole room smelled like blood, semen, and despair now, but it’s not like we had to stay in there. On the contrary, we took our meeting to the hall outside and started hammering out the nitty gritty bits. Maud, our guards, and I would be arriving at the castle through the front gates in a decent enough looking carriage that also doubled as a viable tool for smuggling weapons. From there, we’d mix and mingle until we came within earshot of Herodotus and that’s when we’d strike. Or rather, that’s when I’d summon Okthus and tell him to keep himself invisible so he could drag Herodotus off silently into the night.

The plan seemed solid and there weren’t any details that seemed to be missing. Extraction would happen naturally, whether we were allowed to leave as we came or if we were going to have to be searched to enter and exit. No one was technically bringing any weapons with them, though I was bringing my ‘handbag’, which was how I carried all of my weapons anyway. My hair wasn’t thick enough to Hammerspace like Pinkie, and I wasn’t allowed to wear a cool jacket or anything since I wasn’t supposed to be going in as a lady-in-waiting. However, the Bitches got to rock some awesome black jackets with purple stripes on the left breast pocket that seemed both fashionable and functional.

In the interim period between preparation and departing, Garrison and I had our little talk, and with that out of the way-

[Wait, you’re not going to mention any of how you felt about it!?]

I’m not repeating everything he fucking said, Vivi.

Fine. Knowing that Garrison, A veteran of missions like the ones we were actually going on, was still nervous before action actually helped me calm my nerves a little bit. It was as if we could fight side by side from across town, and I wanted to tell him that I was gonna come for his ass as soon as I could, but that shit was gay and so it missed me entirely. However, after our little private pep talk, Garrison felt like less of a guy who was after my ass and more like just another friend. Instead of wanting to be inside me, he seemed like he wanted to be beside me, and that made me feel good inside. I preferred having allies over suitors any day, and knowing that Garrison was one of the strongest allies with the best connex arounds (Not the shitty train thing) was like having another Bunker Buster on my hip that I didn’t have to use Blood Magic to fire so I wouldn’t break my own hand.

Cal, Man. Shit doth hurt.

Anyway, was that a good enough explanation of how I felt about our little chat? Yes? ‘Kay then, let’s move on. The carriage ride to the castle was long, bumpy and awful. Mostly because the Bitches were yapping the entire time and Maud seemed to have her head in the clouds every few minutes. I was honestly beginning to fear for the mission by the time the castle came in sight since Maud couldn’t seem to get a grip, and I wondered if scaring the focal point of the mission with pain of eternal rape had been a bad idea. I mean, I could do the mission myself, but I knew that Maud was probably going to tell Garrison, and I didn’t want him to be mad at me because Mari’s a faggot. I didn’t like what was going on, and I was starting to get a bad feeling from the castle, but I attributed that to the Black Magicks that were ingrained into the very soil around the damn thing.

Seriously, the hulking monstrosity that was the Ironclad Castle was just… Daunting. Daunting is a good word. The outer walls were at least ten times taller than the Minotaurs guarding them, and the walls of the castle itself seemed to be made straight out of a mountain. The blackish, malevolent looking structure loomed in the flickering lights that appeared in its windows and the few that decorated its walls, making me feel as though I was about to set foot into the most obvious trap I’d ever seen. There was nothing but negativity coming off of the place in waves to the point where the Bitches bailed and Maud and I were the only ones left in the carriage. After a hard gulp, I looked back to the plain gray walls and the menacing looking guards that stood just about fucking everywhere, wondering if that was the night I was slated to die so I could come back to life and fulfil that part of the trial.

“Jay…” Maud said softly.

“I got your back, Maud. You’ll be seeing Garrison by the morning.” I oathed, my tone sharp.

“... You ordered your Demon to show me that sight, did you not?”

I finally peeled my eyes off of their target and looked at Maud anxiously. “No one likes threats. Especially when it’s based on something you’re already sensitive about.”

She hesitated to ask her next question, which I understood completely. “Do you love Gauche?”

“Not like you do. I love him because I’m being forced to, and we both resent each other because of that.”

Maud looked out her own window and let out a heavy breath. “Little have I loved in this life. You must understand that I will fight to keep what or who is mine.”

“You don’t understand how hard I’m fighting to stay away from Garrison.” I replied, fed up with her shit. “If you don’t get that I am sickened by his existence in my presence, then you don’t get how I feel about Garrison.”

She nodded a few times. “You would rather die than feel as though you are the one submitting through coitus.”

“I’ve been raped before and it’s not happening again.” I growled, looking away from her.

“... A shame. I apologize for my insensitivity.”

“We’re both just stressed right now, Maud. You wanna keep your man, I don’t want him in the first place: we could both use a drink.”

“Agreed.” She nodded again.

The rest of the trip was carried on in silence until our driver let us know that we were at the place we were supposed to get the fuck out at. I tipped him with a piece of chocolate creme pie from my handbag, because apparently it’s not a purse, and we were on our way while the Minotaur guy just threw the treat into his mouth and ate it whole. I should have put some kind of viagra-type thing it so he could have himself some fun whenever he got home, but some people just aren’t into that kinda party, and I totally respek dat.

On our way up to the Castle Gates, we were stopped by some Minotaur guards who wanted to check Maud’s invitation, which was normal enough since they were doing it for every few people anyway. When she presented it to them, however, the one who read it chuckled and asked if she was ready for ‘A show that’ll flip your world upside down!’. We exchanged a look and asked the Minotaur about whatever it was he was referencing, but the fellow got awfully tight lipped all of a sudden and just smiled as he waved us in. The foreshadowing was strong with this one, and I didn’t like the fact that Maud seemed to take the news as it came instead of the oddness ringing any kind of alarm bells in her head at all. I mean, seriously!? The show of a ‘lifetime’!? If the guards hadn’t have been so sketchy, I might’ve thought that it was going to be a simpler mission than it had been dumbed down. I’ve since used this exact situation as a reference to tell muhfuckers to pay. Attention.

Maud lead the way into the foreboding-ass castle because the shit was still pretty dark and shadowy from the inside, though it wasn't not because I was losing it a little. I saw from the walls that the building must have actually been carved from a massive fucking monolith, because I couldn’t see any seams in the walls at all, and none of the columns in the place had to be stacked. That in and of itself was weird, but as we followed the rest of the crowd that was arriving around the same time we were, we picked up a few interesting characters to have a conversation with. The main one who spoke was a Hippogriff named Rhosia, who was a sweet woman to say the least. She had plenty of compliments to share and offered to be the first to go get drinks for our little cadre of four women, but I, as a ‘lady-in-waiting’, was obligated to go in her stead.

Rhosia didn’t really give a fuck and came along with me anyway since reasons, I guess. “So how are you liking the festivities so far, Carnation?” She asked, using the name I’d given her. Maud was Ametrine, for the record.

“Ah, I’m still waiting for whatever this extra special surprise is supposed to be, honestly. I can’t say that I’m terribly fond of them.”

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re one of those control freak types, Carny!”

I gave her a look. “I was an Artificer’s apprentice before my master passed and I needed to find a new career. Details and information are two of my favorite things, and not having them frustrates me.”

Her beak curved into a little smile as we grabbed some drinks from a passing waiter and started to head back to where we’d left Maud and Rhosia’s attendant, Jourdain. “We~ll maybe if you were connected to some in-the-know people that happen to have helped organize the event, you might have a clue~”

“Well I know you, don’t I, dear Rosy?”

She tittered and chirped. “Oh, but you do! I won’t spoil the fun for you, but I will say that it’s a tradition that the Wyld Lyres passed down to a clan of Sepestians they fought with hundreds of years ago that eventually brought it here.”

“Wyld Lyres? The psycho Cats over in The Great Sands?”

Rhosia bobbed her head up and down dutifully. “You’re definitely in for a treat! It might be a Lyre specialty, but it’s a Minosian delicacy that can’t be missed! The Minotaurs really do have a flair for the theatrics.”

I gave her a small smile, remembering her florid dress and ashy grey feathers. “So you’ve imbibed before? You’ll have to let Lady Ametrine and I accompany you, then.”

“Oh, it really is better to have a mix of new friends and old around! I’d be delighted if you two would join us!”

“Of course we’ll have to ask Lady Ametrine, but I think we can corner her easily enough.”

Hippobitch gave me a look that was far too mischievous for me to have any kind of decent feeling about. “We could probably request that she be worked into the show, if you like. She seems awfully… Curt, shall we say. No one needs a droll Pony, of all creatures, to ruin the fun from the viewer’s box.”

The little conspicuous wink I gave her must have made her heart go wild because her face fell like I’d just killed her puppy when I said, “Maybe next time. For the time being, my Mistress is still kind at home, she just struggles in public.”

She sighed and looked back to Jourdain, a smiley, lanky Pegasus Mare that had been hitting on Maud before we left. “Shame. I just hope no one picks Jourdain or yourself to be thrown into the games. It really is a physical challenge.”

“If I can pull a rabbit from a hat, I can pull myself from a hairy situation.” I chuckled.

Rhosia gave me a demure smile. “If only, if only the woodpecker sighed~”

I felt the blood drain from my face as icy cold fear gripped my heart. “... The bark on the tree was a little bit softer.”

Her expression shifted to one of surprise. “Oh, so you know of the ceremony!”

“I only know the song.” I replied, masking my panic with indifference. I’d done it plenty of times with a much scarier being in a life that seemed far, far away at the present moment.

“Really? Where did you hear it from?”

“The woman who killed my Master sang it to me as she raped me.”

“... Oh.”

I shrugged at the ‘lie’. “It’s in the past. Here’s hoping that I’m over it.”

“R-Right.” She giggled awkwardly, the conversation ending until we reached the others.

For a good hour or so, we just rubbed elbows with some of Minosia and Serpest’s elites while dodging anymore questions about the ceremony, answering that we were excited to not be an active part of it rather than say anything other than that. I doubted that Maud had picked up on the ominous nature of the ball, but when our target himself called for everyone’s attention, the dance floor was cleared of any tables, chairs, or refuse that someone had carelessly tossed onto the ground. Afterwords, a Dog and a Cat, both in shackles, were brought to the center of the room. Each of them had a long rod and used said rods to draw a shitty but effective Rune Circle, locking both of them in. The Dog grabbed the Cat desperately and held it to it’s chest like it was trying to protect it, turning away from the center of the circle moments before it ignited and the crowd chanted:

“Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy”

“Oddy Doddy Oldy Moldy”

“Gingah tinklefaewie singwa”

I’d heard it all before. Hell, ever since I actually lost my mind, I never stopped hearing it. Oddy doddy oldy moldy gingah faewie tingwa. Not singwa. NEVER SINGWA!

{Neversingwaneversingwaneversingwa-}

[... Um…]

Woo-sah… Wooooo-saaah.

...

{You- You never told me…}

I never wanted to.

[As little as I want to hear about why your crazy talk being said wrong was a bad thing-]

The moment the chant finished, the Dog howled as its skull inverted on itself and the flesh and fur of its back rotted and flew into the warbling, sickly green light that was spilling forth from the center of the rune circle. Little by little, as the Dog howled and howled until it’s lungs were ripped out of it through its back, the light grew brighter and brighter, lightening to a dehydrated-piss kind of yellow that made me grip for Maud’s hand and squeeze for all I was worth. I’d seen the light before. I didn’t know what it did, but somewhere in the shattered remnants of my mind that I pieced together so I could get by on a day to day basis, I knew I’d seen that tainted light somewhere.

The Dog finally died when the Light grew a slightly ruddy ting to it, leaving the cat with a dessicated corpse clinging to him. He pounded against the barrier of the Rune Circle, tears streaming down his face until one of his blows broke his forearm at the mid-point, which was illogical. Sadly, when he got up to panic more properly, his legs broke underneath the combined weight of he and the Dog, leaving him screaming while the crowd roared. Then, because sickness knows no limits, Minotaurs started grabbing random bystanders from the crowd, usually Ponies, and throwing them straight into the center of the ballroom one at a time. A crowd of people ran once they saw the first Pony that was thrown in rip her own face off and eat her fingers along with it, but there were far, far more that stood and roared their approval, and they were out for the blood of the innocent. Maud and I stood back to back, glaring death and destruction at any who dared to step near us until one dumb fuckdecided to grab me instead of Rhosia or Jourdain. Maud broke his leg with a sliding kick and I flooded some magic into one of the Strength Runes on the top of my feet and redirected the Mana into my arms so I could throw my would-be attacker into the Hellhole he’d intended to send me into.

Maud and I got some space after that because what happened to the Minotaur? I got to decide. I remembered where I’d seen the pissy little light before. It was literally the color of pure insanity. I’d seen it every time I glimpsed through the past or future, seen it in a couple Pinkies, watching it dance in Kauku’s eyes. In that moment, I realized that it wasn’t evil that made madmen strong. It wasn’t the Black Magicks. No, it was pure. Insanity. All you had to do was be crazy enough to tap into the mind-warping well that was the Endless-Formless, which you could do for just a single moment while still sane by forcing a Dog and a Cat specifically to draw their Race’s original sigils over each other in tandem, thus sacrificing both of them. The trick was to make them love each other in some way since obvious fucking reasons.

My blood boiled. Red was gray and the world was nothing but black and white. I saw innocence and I saw evil. I saw fear and I saw glee. I saw disgust and I saw euphoria. Against my dentists orders and my own better judgement, I ground my teeth together as I trembled, the iron in my veins full of ire from Ireland that was rolled down a hill in a burning tire that set a fire in my heart, clocking me out for one. Single. Zepto. Second.

It was all I needed to do to fuck it all up.

”CAIN!”

My bellow hurt my throat and not much else as I snatched my Glock 20 and spare .44 (Her name is Rosie O’Connell) out of my handbag since Ladesa had Jerry with her when she got caught. “Maud, get the fuck outta here.” I snarled, barely keeping myself from killing her since she was so fucking dark grey. I sensed her about to object, but having the barrel of a gun in her face before she could even open her mouth and having the hammer cock before she could raise a brow made her raise her chin and run toward the crowd of people that had headed for the main doors.

My awareness was cast into the entirety of the castle: every little tremor, I felt and recognized. I’m sure that my violent tremors and hostile posture was deterrent enough, but then the Prince of fucking Hell came to call, and there wasn’t a single fuckin’ bitch-asslil’ circle those dumb fucks coulda came up with to contain him. I’d hesitated to call on Cain before, but when Lujei had become a clearer threat… Well, that’s when Grogar died, i-fucking-ronically enough. Before we could bind Cain to me and make me the most dangerous thing that’s breathed air since Cain himself, Lujei did something or other to fuck Grogar over and make him blow his Cairn.

I wasn’t aware that I could be so… Gone. I was me, but I lived in every body that surrounded me too. The blackness that grew from the only color that still emanated in the room, the sickly yellow ball of light. As the blackness grew, so did my control until I felt another Blood Mage rival my strength, then surpass it. Cain wasn’t quite done getting over the fact that I’d just called his name like he was a dog that shit on my floor, but I was quite over the fact that the people I’d been enslaving to death weren’t, y’know, deathed to deadedness. Thus, a brotha did what a brotha lusted after and started aiming low on every male and aiming for the womb on every female. I figured the ten milli would be fine to perma-bust some nuts, but I didn’t want to take a chance on any of the rotten cunts in the crowd sewing their baby-bag back up so they could spill out another one of their kind, so I used the .44 for them.

Aiming was pointless. I didn’t even have real ammo in the guns. Only a jackass carries his shit loaded at all times, though I probably should have loaded them since I was going into a fight. Fuckin’- Point being is that I was firing ‘empty’ guns by tapping the Endless-Formless they’d summoned and digging into past bullets that had been fired, ejected, and subsequently replaced by friends of theirs. I didn’t need to actually look at where I was shooting most of the time because my brain was their brain. While I didn’t have complete control over them, I could still jerk one of them hard enough to fly into the path of the next bullet or just outright will the fucker to bend.

Now don’t misunderstand: I didn’t know I could do this shit. Even in my original form, I had no idea I could do any of it. Of course I knew how to shoot with both hands, but I didn’t actually know how to control my eyes individually so that I could keep both sets of sights lined up at all times. I knew I could eventually master Body Control through Blood Magic if I ‘souled’ out-

{Fucking stop.}

I’m not sorry. In any case, I was aware of the fact that I could probably get the art down, but it’d never been something I’d wanted to do, which is why I had zero chance at maintaining control of over fifty people against an experienced Necrotic Mage. However, I did have INFINITE. AMMU-NITION. and the willingness to use it to thin down the herd until my bullets started impacting a Shade Shield, which was another high-level piece of Magic that I shouldn’t have been surprised that the King of all people would have. For the first time, I actually got a good look at Herodotus, and I don’t mean that I just got a better, closer view of him. No, I saw that he was a Lich with a Fed Heart, which explained why Grey Grotto was cursed, since ‘feeding’ souls to his Necrotic Heart to further his Black Magic parasite. He’d probably put the curse up in the first place to set up a Schadenfreude Siphon of some sort, but it didn’t really matter in the moment. Neither of us had much time to appreciate our challenger as Cain finally made his presence known via meeting the Mintoaur I’d tossed his way. All he did was look at him, not even do shit, and the motherfucker burst into flames that radiated a feeling unlike heat or chill, but something far, far more painful to the touch. Between the screams of the wounded, those I’d allowed to live, and the Minotaur who was mooing for his father to help him loudest of all, Herodotus and I had to wait to exchange words.

Taking my eyes off of Herodotus was suicide, but then again, not watching the guy who killed his own brother because his present was better than his own was dumb too. However, Herodotus didn’t fuckin’ dare make a move, regardless of whether or not I was going to do shit. Cain had the floor the moment he asked, “So which of you summoned me again?”

It didn't hurt that people started dying when he started talking.

Herodotus pointed at me and I raised a hand. “Yeh’.”

“... Brave little whore, aren’t you?” He asked, his voice smoother than a rip from a vaporizer and trillions of times more potent. The accent was hard to place, but was definitely arrogant to say the least. Even Max at the pinnacle of his bullshit didn’t carry the raw undertones of condescension and disdain Cain managed. “You know I hear you if you just whisper, right?”

“Nah.”

“Are you even going to look at me?”

“Imma kill this guy. You wanna get in on this?”

“I kill people for a living. Well, torture, but semantics.”

“Wanna murk the biggest threat to the Twelve-Twelve?”

“You know you’re lucky I’m warding us, right? She’d kill you for that in about seventeen hundred years.”

“Is that a no?”

“She’s my consort. That pussy is damnable.”

A part of my memory actually got deleted since I derped out and headed into the Void before getting blasted into a place that was rather white, cold, and devoid of anything. I should have known what that place was, but I didn’t, still don’t, and don’t really wanna find out what lives out there, just in case it’s killier than me. However, I came back to Cain saying, “-later. We’ll talk if you live through this one.”

“I missed a lot of that, but I heard ‘We’ll talk’, and that’s all I need to know.” I said viciously.

“You’re a real doll, you know that?” He deadpanned.

“I can feel your evil on my ass.”

“Soon enough you’ll feel it in it.” Cain chuckled darkly. “That is, if you’re still willing to bargain.”

I snorted. “Shit, I know bitches ‘done sold they first time for a rock. I could do worse, depending on perspective.”

“I love your optimism. I really do.” He sighed.

His aura coated my back as he came closer to me, making my miniscule amount of body hair stand on end as he laced a skeletal arm around me. Before my very eyes, his fingers grew muscle, sinew, and flesh until he was whole once more. “Nice trick.”

“Little more than a trick, but I’ll take the compliment. Until next time, Mari Jayne.”

“I hate that I like that.”

“Are you going to use it?”

“Don’t rape me and I swear on my ass I’ll tell people to start calling me that shit.”

“It’s not like rape was my sin, but okay. Deal.” I heard him lick his hand before he slapped it to my neck.

Okay, so I’ve mentioned that I cut runes into my skin and brand Rune Circles in for convenience, but it’s not like it doesn't hurt. It does, I just don’t care that much since I’ve always had a decent pain tolerance and I tend to do the shit while blazed anyway, so painkiller. However, Cain’s pimp hand was strong, and he did mark me as one of his bitches, which had me nearly blacking out, though I dropped to my knees anyway. “Uurhk!”

“Took it better than Luu.” He snorted. “If you die soon, I actually will rape you now. Just because you accused me of wanting to do it in the first place.”

“How soon is soon?” I grunted.

“You’ll find out if it’s too soon.” Cain patted my back and his aura took it time in dissipating out of the air, but the Endless-Formless was still going strong, and now Herodotus was trying to tap it.

Sadly, while he may have (Probably) been an Elder Lich, he wasn’t Super Sane. As he tried to bend Insanity itself to his will, I cupped her ass, nibbled on her ear and asked her if she was down to lezz out for a couple hours. Insanity picked the sexier of the two of us and I stowed my new, shrunken little trinket in my purse because that shit needed to be contained as soon as possible, and my ‘handbag’, as I should have called it, was a gift from Diane. If anything could keep it from lashing out and fucking things up, then it was going to be a gift from a Pinkie, even if she was retired. With that battle over, Herodotus started trying to raise the people that Cain’s aura had killed, which even included a few unlucky folks from the group that were still trying to get out.

Now, Grogar specialized in Alchemy and Alchehestry, which are both branches of Alchology. Think of it as chemistry and biochemistry, basically. Necromancy is technically the superior art when it comes to extremely fine details of Biological Magicks, but Alchehestry is rather versatile, and I knew a lot more Alchehestry than I did Necromancy. While Herodotus seized their Animas through raw force, I pulled on my pretty little gloves, did a little clap for a quick prayer, and slammed my hand to the ground as quick as I could, only staying there for but a couple of seconds before the dead reanimated with their Vettel, which earned me some trouble for my troubles, if you catch my drift. While the Anima/soul is where life lies in a person, the Vettel is where the thoughts of a person go.

It kinda looked like I’d fucked myself for a second before I realized that I’d just injected a fair amount of Magic into those corpses, meaning that I was going to have at least a little control over them, but my main goal was to get a circle set up. Hell, I’m a fucking Mage, after all, and it’s not like anything I had shy of the Bunker Buster would be able to crack Herodotus’ skull, so I did what I do because a brotha do what he do, ya dig?

[No.]

{Is that another one of your ebonics things?}

Yeah, but what a brotha had to do was hatch a plan. It didn’t even take me four heartbeats to have something solid set up, so I loaded my guns and called out to the King. “Hey there, any chance you wanna get the fuck out of this country and take this shitty curse with you?”

“Ha! Why would I leave my homelands when I rule as the Solar and Lunar Diarchs do!? I am the King, you pitiful little woman, and you will kneel before me as all-” I shot him in the knee. “BUCK!”

“I used to be an asshole like you, but then I took a four-four to the knee. Wanna know if it happened twice or nah?” I growled.

“And why did I expect a woman to know anything of an honorable fight?” The king groaned like a little bitch.

“Aw Dude, I’m not even a chick and that’s just dirty.” I shot at his other knee, but Shade Shield.

“Then you’re the most annoyingly feminine man I’ve ever met, and I’m going to enjoy watching my daughter's treat you like meat.” He thundered, getting back up to his hooves with fewer problems than I would’ve liked.

I stowed my Glock because I only used hollow-points with it, and just damaging this guy wasn’t going to do shit. The Bunker Buster in all his glory came out to play and I pointed him at Herodotus. “Last chance to pack it up, incestuous creep.”

“Arrogance does not befit the weak.”

“Feeling’s mutual.”

Bracing myself, I prepared as best I could by activating two of my Impact Dampeners, but even then the kick from my B.B. was brutal to say the least. I’ve shot a Desert Eagle, but I’ve never had my hands on one of the real monsters that lie hidden in the research part of the pistol world. Y’know, then I fuckin’ made one. While I call it a 60. Cal, it’s actually more like a .600, which you’d only know the difference if you knew guns. Either fucking way, my hand cannon fractured my thumb and index finger on my shooting hand because I didn’t use enough of the dampeners, but Herodotus’ howl of pain was worth it.

Then I saw that I’d blown off a large portion of his arm and that was about it. I thought it was funny that it was the same arm that was aching on me, but I doubted that Herodotus would have agreed. It’s not like he cared about me other than possibly feeding me to his own personal pigs, so I offered him the same kindness and grabbed my portable ATD from my bra for a quick Healing Rune. It was simple and easy, but the time I’d spent standing still was time Herryboi spent charging after my ass like the mad bull he was before he started flinging bolts of raw Black Magic at me. Grogar had told me that Liches could store and utilize their own specific kind of Black Magic, so I wasn’t fond of the idea of getting hit by whatever he was throwing, just in case it was tougher than a frilly dress.

Luckily there was a belt on my stupid, dumb fucking dress so I could holster B.B and draw my Glock again, but raining bullets on Herodotus did me no favors. For every one that managed to slip through the cracks in his super-edgy shield, another ricoheted and became a danger to me, but a plan was a plan and the plan was still going pretty damn decently until the giant fuckwad sent four spikes made of either bone or some form of stone at me and got me with three of them in one go, two of the wounds being somewhat severe. The laceration on my upper arm was immediately detected by the First Response Rune Circle I had carved into my side and the bleeding was stemmed soon enough, but it fuckin’. Hurt. I was effectively killing off my nerves so that I could regrow them later with Magic, but still continue on with the fight. I hadn’t expected to ever actually need a rune like it since I generally handle my problems without too much bullshit, but Herodotus?

This guy… He was the first boss, and he was fucking worthy. Max could have taken him out no problem when he had Dark Magic because Max was just that fuckin’ hardcore, but me? I street fight, and even then I carried a fuckin’ knife because I wasn’t good at it. Yeah, I could kinda outbox Ty if he was either drunk, pissed, or piss drunk, but not a fucking Minotaur. A physical fight was out of the question, as was obvious by the fact that I’d done no lasting damage to him over the course of about three hundred rounds other than what I’d done with the Bunker Buster. However, I needed him to stand still. If I could make him stop moving just long enough to translocate behind him, his ass would’ve been mine a hot minute ago. The frustrating part was that none of the Demons I had on call would fuck with him because he was both stronger than me and more evil than me, so I was pretty much just boned as far as that went.

As it was, I still had to enact the plan, the few shots that I was landing hitting their mark perfectly. All I needed was a lucky break to seal the deal and King Homocuckass was going to be six feet deep with no way of scrambling his ass back out of the hole, even if he was taller than the hole. I would dig a deeper hole just for him. Be that as it may, my willingness to dig said hole took a severe hit when Herodotus finally managed to get within arm’s reach of me. The gust of his punch alone rocked my balance, but the uppercut I barely managed to sway back from still sent me flying across the room, making me slam into one of the marvelous minarets that I’d taken for granted earlier.

Just kidding; fuck columns.

Once the column I actually cared about let me move, I got up and faced the guy who was probably gonna make sure I didn’t get that lucky break. “Did you feel that one, Bull-Heifer?”

I grimaced as I limbered up, glaring daggers at the son of a bitch who’d probably tortured a number of people worthy of recognition by Lujei. “Yeah, better than your whore of a wife felt your little carrot.”

Herodotus got a chuckle out of that one. “Ah, it’ll pain me to ruin such a unique little face, but that sharp tongue of yours needs to be dulled, and you can’t fit my girth into your pathetic little shit-spitter.”

“It’d be like a trip to the dentist. Only feel a little prick.”

“Ah, how I missed bantering with worthy foes! Tell me, what is your name, mortal?”

“Jay-ne. Mari Jayne.” I said slowly, almost going back on my end of the deal, which probably would have gotten me raped. I hoped that remembering the new name would prevent me from getting raped in the next ten minutes since I was pre-tty sure that I’d only bought Maud and the innocents enough time to get out. Granted, I still had plenty of Magic, but Herodotus had me where he wanted me.

“Mari Jayne, then. Bask in the presence of Hades, true King of Cragspire!” He spread his arms wide, his shield giving me another shot. “That’s just rude at this point.”

“Hey, win some, lose some. I’d like to say it’s nice ta meetcha, Had-ease, but you’re dying here soon.”

“Can’t kill what’s already dead, fool.” He snorted.

“Ah, well. Thought some bravado would help.” I glanced toward the door.

Dick Cheese picked up on it. “Ah, thinking of running, are we?”

“It’s an option.”

“Oh, but how it’s not.” Herodotus chuckled menacingly. “In any case, you’ve done well to get to this point, Heifer! It’s been years since a mortal has pushed me this far!” Dumbass proclaimed. “From this day forth, Mari Jayne shall be known throughout Minosia as my toughest challenger yet!”

“Dream on, Cocksnot. Fight ain’t over.” I scoffed. I did not growl, I scoffed. I was being disdainful, not aggressive.

{Well, thank you for letting me tell the story anyway.}

No problem. Anyway, then, as you know, Herodotus said, “Ha! Your little runes and spells might have carried you to this point, but I’ve yet to take a true blow from you and you’re nearly out of Magic! What hope could you possibly have!?” He started Villain Laughing and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief that I could have because he was jinxing himself for me.

A flaming green arrow flew from up near the ceiling, hitting Herodotus on the side of the head. It started spreading, but before it took his head over completely, the enchanting fire turned black and snuffing itself out. The King and I looked up at Garrison and saw him wave. “So you’re hard to kill.”

“Who in the horns are you?” Herodotus inquired foolishly, forgetting about the guy who’d been giving him trouble the entire time for the new guy who’d just launched an ineffective surprise attack.

I translocated and didn’t technically hear an answer, but I still knew when to show back up. The moment I felt the king’s attention fully go to Garrison, I stepped out of the Aether and loaded the Bunker Buster, hurrying to get the job done. My baby can only hold three people-exterminators at a time, but that’s all she ever needs. Blowing two holes big enough to fit both of my Goddamned arms through wasn’t good enough to make ol’ bitch stay down, yadda yadda yadda-

[Oh come on! You didn’t even explain your plan that didn’t even work!]

That? The plan was to set up a rune circle in Herodotus’ body that would continually slow him down over the course of the fight. The last bullet I hit him with sealed the circle. That’s why I said he’d be dying soon. I mean, the Gore-Nuke was probably excessive when I could’ve just shot him in the head, but he taunted me about my circles. I like my circles.

[... Okay, but are you going to go on about what happened after you blew the door up?]

...

{Next time?}

Next time.

Author's Note

So this one took awhile to edit for reasons. I also feel it necessary to mention that I like turtles.

Post a comment if you're still reading this madness at this point.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅