Twilight Sparkle was quietly reading in her throne in the Castle of Friendship when Spike came in with the mail. He staggered in, carrying a stack of papers nearly twice his height, and deposited it on the floor where the Cutie Map normally stood. “Mail for you, Twilight,” he said. “I think some more of those stories came in!”
Twilight looked up from her book, letting her magic hold her page. “Really? I guess I better check it over for you then.” She lowered the book gently to the floor and stepped over, selecting a letter at random from the heap and opening it. Her eyes moved over the page, before flicking quickly down the bottom and than back up. She dropped it with a gasp.
“What is it, Twilight?” Spike asked curiously, reaching for the letter. A purple aura quickly crumbled it up and whisked it out of his reach.
“Nothing, nothing!” Twilight said briskly, shaking her head several times in a row. “Absolutely nothing. Nothing for baby dragons to see.” She shook her head again, then rubbed her eyes with a hoof. “Excuse me for a minute. I have to go wash my eyes out. And my brain. Then my eyes again.” She trotted out of the room before Spike could respond.
“How do you even wash your brain out?” he muttered, confused. “What could be in that letter anyway?” He hurried over to the corner where Twilight had let it fall, and smoothed out the crumpled paper.
He had meant to read the words on the paper, but his eyes were swiftly drawn to the sketch at the bottom of the page. It was well drawn, done by a truly skilled artist. The pen and ink lines were swift and sure, capturing the image in as few strokes as possible. The neatness of the lines indicated an Unicorn artist, rather than a Pegasus or an Earth pony. But none of that was understood, or even noticed by Spike. He was too busy absorbing the scene the picture was depicting.
The focus of the picture was Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie all locked in a passionate kiss. Their eyes were closed in bliss. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were entangled together underneath Twilight’s hindquarters, and Applejack and Big Mac were draped across Rarity’s back, eyeing each other lustily. The implications of the scene were very clear, even to a dragon so young as Spike, and he dropped the page with a squeal.
“Twilight?” he called, running out of the room. “Twilight! I need some of that eyewash right now!”
Celestia stood on a balcony overlooking Canterlot and stared down at the throbbing mob below. Ponies were shouting, rearing, waving their hooves in the air. Everyone was furious about… something? Celestia couldn’t tell what.
“Who on earth could cause all this commotion?” she muttered, confused. She thought for a moment, then screwed up her concentration and cast a spell. Her horn burned bright yellow for a moment, then Discord appeared in a flash by her side. He was wearing a bathrobe, and holding a small turtle shaped like a teacup. He made a strange honking noise, and dropped the turtle/teacup, which disappeared along with the bathrobe.
“Really, Celestia,” he complained. “I thought we’d agreed that compulsory transportation is unnecessary right now! Not to mention rude.”
“Discord,” Celestia said sternly. “Can you explain all that chaos down there?” She pointed with her horn over the balcony. Discord leaned down for a better look.
“Chaos?” he asked. “That’s not really very chaotic at all. But it is fascinating. I wonder what’s going on down there?” He made his hands into binoculars and peered down at the streets. “Oh my,” he said. “Princess Twilight!”
“What about Twilight?” Celestia asked sharply. Surely her favorite - and admittedly, only - student could not be causing such a ruckus! She cast a spell to increase her vision, and peered down beside Discord. Sure enough, Twilight was standing on a box at the front of the ground, horn glowing, clearly about to speak. Celestia listened closely.
“Citizens of Equestria!” Twilight called. “You all know who I am. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends, the Elements of Harmony.” She gestured behind her, to where her friends stood. Celestia hadn’t noticed them before now.
“Many of you ponies have been sending us fan mail,” Twilight continued. “Many others have been writing stories about us - fanfictions, I believe they’re called. All this is fine, if a bit exhausting to read and reply to them all. But other ponies have been writing stories of a different genre. I have heard them called multiple names, including shipfics, clopfics, and many other things. But all these stories generally involve one of us falling in love with another, and often sleeping together as well. If something is recorded where we tell each other what we like about the other, or where we say ‘I love you’ to another pony, immediately, thirty stories get mailed to us about those two kissing and having sex! Or sometimes three! Well, I say it’s high time we straighten things out!”
The crowd murmured in confusion. Twilight waited for them to quiet down before moving on.
“I am the Princess of Friendship. Not love! That’s Princess Cadence. And in friendship, you can love your friends without having to sleep with them! I call for a movement where ponies can say ‘I love you’ without being ‘shipped’. I want a world where I can appreciate my friends without this sort of thing happening. It is not a crime to love your friend, and love does not necessarily mean sex! Who agrees with me?”
The crowd went wild. Ponies cheered and waved large flags in the air. Celestia saw Lyra and Bon-Bon handing out flags to other ponies. Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich set off large party cannons, sending confetti flying over the crowd. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Thunderlane, Soarin, Spitfire, and the rest of the Wonderbolts soared over the crowd, creating clouds in the form of a large S with a slash through it, and an even bigger F with a check mark. Rarity and Fancy Pants seemed to be busily involved in sewing even more flags over in another corner, and all of the Apples as well as the Cutie Mark Crusaders had set up a protest booth next to them, and seemed to be selling quite a lot of their products at the same time.
Celestia stared down at the commotion without speaking for a long time. Beside her, Discord chuckled with glee. Celestia had almost forgotten he was there.
“Oh, this is wonderful,” the draconequus said. “I quite agree. I’ve read far too many of these ‘shipfics’ myself. I’m going to go join them.”
Before Celestia could react, he leapt off the balcony and vanished in a flash. With another burst of light, he reappeared in the sky beside Fluttershy, who was now directing a flock of birds in hanging banners from the towers of Canterlot. He snapped his fingers, arranging them all for her.
Celestia watched it all.
After a minute, she turned to the interior of the castle. “Luna?” she called. “Luna, wake up. I think you’ll want to see this.”
Author's Note
I do not necessarily disagree with all the ships I read about. In fact, I rather enjoy reading a good story about many of the ships I referenced above. I am also not trying to offend anyone who may be offended by this sort of thing. I am simply writing a short story about something that annoys me on occasion. I hope those who read this understand my feelings on this matter, and that those who can enjoy this, do.
