Pinkie Pie's Persnickety Plumbing Problem
Once Upon a Time, Pinkie Pie had a hair clog in her drain. Having prehensile hair, she used her prehensile ~~Maine~~ mane to try to unclog the drain. But it would not unclog. So she went to get a plumber. But there were no plumbers to be found because the plumbers in Equestria we're currently on strike for better pay conditions. I'm not really sure why considering they already were quite well paid. I'm not saying that because I am anti plumber or anti-union but I mean they made 100 bits an hour on average.
Anyway so she found a bottle of Drano as a substitute for a plumber and poured the whole thing down her drain. When she looked into her drain she discovered a magical swirling portal. "Oo shiny!" she said. She decided to investigate the portal and contorted her body into her bathroom sink and dove into a great adventure.
She swirled through the pipes in her room until she was clearly not in her room anymore. After her head stopped spinning she looked around and discovered she was in a secret underground Cavern. This must have been the ancient Ponyville water pipe system. Actually, since it was a drain she went down it would have been the sewage system. Stately brick columns and stalagmites and stalactites surrounded her. As did a ton of crap. This was the sewer system after all. But Pinkie was used to crap since she used to work on a rock farm and conditions there were really crappy, so honestly it reminded her of home a little bit and she felt nostalgic for a few minutes and almost started crying but she held herself back. In the distance, she could faintly hear an organ playing showtunes. But in a different direction, she heard ominous chanting. She decided to investigate that.
Pinkie Pie followed the flow of the muck through the sewer, her hooves coated with it. Eventually, the cavern opened up into a giant underground Cathedral of sorts and she saw perhaps 100 ponies gathered around, holding torches and chanting the following words:
"Soon will come the day of end
Soonwill come the day we rend
Apart our peaceful town of Ponyville
Awaken awaken awaken, Oh monsters
Awaken and feed upon our souls."
This was very ominous chanting and she wasn't particularly fond of the lyrical selection, so at the top of her lungs, she yelled "Hey creepy cult, you guys should really knock it out. I don't like hearing that kind of language."
Some of the ponies screamed and some of the ponies jumped in surprise, but most simply turned to face this mysterious Pony who had invaded their sacred inner Sanctum. However since they were all holding torches and she wasn't, they couldn't really see who it was. However, a few of these otherwise ordinary Ponyville citizens recognized the chipper voice that had yelled at them. "Say isn't that Pinkie Pie?" one of them asked.
"Why yes I am Pinkie Pie. You know me well for I am your local baking Apprentice. But, dear citizens, please turn from your evil ways and stop this incessant chanting of evil. Turn from your evil ways and once again see the light and be a decent Ponyville citizen. This whole occult cult business really isn't a good fit for you."
But her speech did little to convince these ponies. They were too far gone, their souls black and with malice and dark arts. "Kill her!" they screamed. "She knows too much and we cannot afford to be unveiled to the masses at this time. It is not yet time for the Great Awakening. It is not yet time for us to unleash the hidden unknown evils upon the world. We must chant in secret for a while longer and thus Pinkie Pie, you must die!"
Pinkie Pie did not particularly like the sound of this. Sure she had sad days, but everypony did and the glad days vastly outnumbered and outshone these sad days. Inasmuch she had no desire to die yet. Inasmuch she decided to skedaddle. Before the cultist could descend upon her and wreak havoc upon her body, she galloped back the way she had come.
After several minutes of Galloping, Pinkie Pie saw a light in the distance and ran towards it. As it got brighter, she discovered it was the portal she had come out of. She took a big breath and leaped into it. Back through the pipes she went until she came out the other side. She was covered in shit, but she was alive. She hopped in the shower and took a quick shower for she knew that the cultists might soon be upon her and she didn't want to get caught smelling like poo. Then she took all the hair that she had dropped in the shower and stuffed it back into her sink drain so that the cultist could not get into her room.
Next, she took a taxi to Canterlot and using her magical weird Pinkie Pie powers, convinced all the guards that she needed to visit Celestia right away. Actually probably had something to do with the fact that she was one of the former element bearers and inasmuch was a bit of a big a deal and so if she said she needed to see Celestia right away, the guards figured it was probably important.
" Celestia Celestia!" she yelled, "there is a huge conspiracy ahoof in the sewers of Ponyville. You must intervene for I fear for the lives and the safety of my fellow citizens. I fear that monsters shall soon be abetted by evil cult members keen on the destruction of Our Fair City."
"Guards," Celestia said, "please leave the room. This is a private matter I must discuss with Pinkie Pie." The Royal Guards obediently left, leaving Celestia and Pinkie Pie alone together in the throne room.
Celestia grinned evilly. "I'm afraid you know too much, Pinkie."
Author's Note
