Fallout Equestria: Lone Ranger

I had never managed to figure out how teleportation spells worked...and it would have been prohibitively expensive to go to a magic school to learn there from proper teachers. Excuse me, 'Arcane Studies Academy' as they liked to call themselves in their godawful TV and radio ads. Despite my inability to transport myself at will to start at one place then reappear in another, waking up from anesthesia was as close to teleportation as I could get. Well, without another more talented Unicorn to help. My sleep was deep, dark and seemingly instantaneous as it only felt like ten seconds after passing out in the dirt that I was waking up in one of the M.O.P tents staring at the unnaturally clean white canvas roof.

“Welcome back, Colonel Crete. Good to see you back amongst the living!”

I looked sluggishly to my right and saw a pale pink mare dressed in a white M.O.P uniform and a small nurse’s hat with the M.O.P logo stitched on the front. She was smiling at me as she adjusted the flow on the I.V line attached to my right leg, a clipboard hanging on a tent post nearby with my medical record attached. On the floor sat my kit in a tidy pile, the blood and muck of the battle earlier having been cleaned off by someone while I was out.

“Been awhile since you’ve had to come and see us eh?” She commented as she took the clipboard and flipped through it to my combat injury reports. “Definitely not something to complain about of course. Last tour you only saw us once for a javelin in your rump?”

I nodded slowly, focusing most of my attention on regaining the use of my limbs after such a heavy dose of anesthesia. That incident was pretty simple. A Scorpio got the last laugh after I thought I had destroyed its gem processor and approached it to catalogue my kill for the Head Hunt. With its last breath of mechanical life it stabbed me in the ass with its spiky tail and promptly died while I gaped at the four foot long bit of metal poking outa my butt. Thankfully Huckleberry was right next to me and had enough Anti-Venom to counteract the poison but not enough medicine to take the damn thing out safely. If she removed the spine, I would have easily bled out in three minutes because it had pricked into a major artery. I still had a scar there...some injuries are just too much for any amount of healing potions to remove completely from memory. Thankfully though, Hucks didn’t mind the scar and usually made the effort to kiss it gently every night she had the chance to. She always felt like it was her fault my beautiful ass got jabbed but as long as I got some extra attention for it, I was ok with letting her feel that way long as she knew I held nothing against her for it.

“You were lucky your Lieutenant was there with Anti-Venom. Sadly too many of you soldier boys don’t think to pack any with you so you end up dying from a toxin that is easily cured if it hasn't progressed too far. So...what happened this time? Your front knees were both torn nearly in half by enemy fire according to Captain Crisp. I just wanted to see if there was any more information to add to the record seeing as you were the one who got shot. You know how these things are.”

“Got caught off guard by some fucker who was out of my direct line of sight.” I lied. “I was engaging in close quarters with an enemy combatant and whoever they were got a couple lucky shots with AP rounds it seems. They knew where to aim too so that's fun to think about...”

She nodded, writing down an abridged version of my false account with a pen before spitting it out and muttering, "Violence like this is so unnecessary…”

I could see she had a well thought out speech ready to go but the last thing I wanted to hear as pins and needles prickled through my legs was how nopony was naturally violent at heart. That we are just confused by external stimuli forced on us by societal values that were, at their core, corrupted. I had already listened to more than one of those kinds of speeches and as much as I agreed that the world would be better without violence, I was a soldier. There were ponies dying every second I laid here getting lectured so it made no sense to me to ruminate on how fucked it all was. Happy thoughts of peace were great and all...but they were a waste of time with how deranged everything had become. We had been at War for over a decade now and had seen the global economy and trade network writhe and shrink right along with international diplomacy. Peace was an outdated thought now. We had all thrown ourselves into the Abyss and there was no going back to where we were before. Not without many more corpses on either side.

“Before you continue on your little sunshine and rainbows shpeal full of pacifist bullshit, don’t.” I said with a slight slur, my tongue feeling like a fat slug in my mouth. “I hear this shit every damn time I come to you guys like some deluded church choir and I get the fucking point. Unfortunately, not all of us get the luxury of sticking behind the battle lines and healing the wounded while philosophizing and ruminating on the ideals of peaceful coexistence. Some of us have to get up off our asses and show that we won’t go quietly into the Abyss. It's mares like me who ensure your pretty little head stays attached to your fucking shoulders because I gunned down the fucker who would otherwise decapitate you without another thought.”

She bristled silently, her smile from earlier fading to a subtle snarl of disgust.

“I was hoping that a fellow female would be more inclined to agree with me and the cause of the Ministry of Peace.” She growled, placing heavy emphasis on the word peace as if that would drive her point home.

“Look, whatever your prissy ass name is, I want peace just as much as anyone else here fucking does.” I growled back, sitting up slightly. “I wanna have a fucking day off for once in my goddamn career too! But unfortunately for everyfuckingone, that doesn’t seem to be a fucking option anymore! Since diplomacy has failed and peace is just a whimsical dream for you pussyhoofed tree huggers, girls like me have to stand up and fight to the death to protect this country of ours so we don’t all end up shipped North in a body bag. So please! By all means, go right ahead. Tell me how your philosophies are going to save Equestria when there’s no ears left to hear them.”

Tears welled up in her eyes and she trembled on her stool as her quivering mouth tried to form a response. I felt bad for being a total bitch to someone who had healed me (and was hot to boot) but she was just a pawn of the M.O.P working behind the scenes with no clue, just ideations. Peace could have been achieved years ago...but somepony higher on the pay grade than me fucked it all up royally and now me and everypony else had to clean up the mess they made. By now, the only way peace seemed like a feasible option was the complete unconditional surrender of the enemy...and I would be damned if Equestria was the one who ended up waving the white flag above Canterlot. Much as I despised my own country...it was still the only place I knew to call 'home'.

“Thought so…” I sighed, laying back down and staring at the ceiling again feeling exhausted. "You people never change."

Her sniffling was the only sound to be heard in the room aside from the rather loud drip of the I.V line reminding me that I was still indebted to her for bringing me back to health. As the silence drew into a profound eternity, I regretted the harshness of my words but not the message they conveyed. We couldn’t dawdle with delusions of peace while there was a very real threat to our way of life literally a few miles away encroaching like a plague of destruction. Even if we somehow won this War, I wouldn’t feel true peace until I could live with Huckleberry without the fear of governmental retaliation against our relationship. Until then...I would continue to be a soldier against the enemy to my peace. Whoever they might end up being.

“Look…” I sighed, finally breaking the silence. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to be so harsh. There’s a lot of merit in believing peace is actually possible in our lifetime. I want it just as much as you do...there’s somepony I love dearly that I wish to spend the rest of my life with when this War is over. But...as long as the Empire fires on us and seeks to destroy us, I can’t hang up my weapons of war and sleep soundly at night. I was raised to take problems head-on and not quit until I had won or a compromise could be reached. I’m sure you were raised to treat ponies with respect and genuinely care for the wellbeing of everyone...we each have our traits that make us the mares we are. I’m more inclined to be a soldier and you are the healer. In this situation...we’re both vital to the survival of Equestria. People like me get the spotlight during the conflict because we’re the ones kicking ass...but when this is all over, people like you are going to be the real heroes. Tearing the world apart is fun and all but I'd be hot shit when it comes to putting the world back together again.”

She stared at me with a look of disbelief mixed with slight confusion on her cute face, her ruby eyes standing out beautifully with her long eyelashes that bore a light layer of mascara. Was hard not to let my eyes linger too long...

“T-thank you.” She finally said. “I...I’m sorry I made assumptions. I guess...I felt all you soldier boys...and girls, were just out for guts and glory. I guess we’re more alike than I thought…”

I smiled as she stood up and quickly removed the needle from my vein (god do I hate that feeling…) and said, “And that is the Equestria that we all want back. The place where we’re all on common ground with each other and our only differences are those in our talents and personalities.”

She nodded quietly and inspected my legs to see if they were fully healed before clearing me for active duty, making a note on her clipboard and making a green checkmark. I pulled back the blankets and found I was unsurprisingly naked although sadly missing the accompanying pleasant company. She averted her eyes as I got dressed though I could have sworn out of the corner of my eye she was stealing glances towards me when I was putting on my pants and was in a slightly compromising position. Maybe it was just my own wishful thinking that every mare found me at least somewhat attractive. That or I'm just that selfish and self-centered. Either way, I kept my tail a tad more to the side than maybe was necessary just so she could get a good peek if she so wanted.

“Keep fighting the good fight.” She said in a hushed tone as I walked past her out the partitioned room in the much larger M.O.P tent. “I’ll be here...to make sure you get back up to keep on fighting it for us.”

She finally seemed to understand the role we each had to play and I actually felt a twinge of regret that I had to leave so soon but as she had other patients to attend to, I knew it was my time to leave. I made it halfway to the exit before I stopped and turned around.

“I never caught your name.” I said as she was walking away from me, her tail positioned such on the skirt of her uniform that her pair of tight pink panties was readily visible and nearly derailed my train of thought with a flush of the horny.

“Oh.” She giggled softly, turning around to face me and thankfully hiding her cameltoe from sight. “Silk Carnation. It’s a pleasure to...get to know you better Colonel Crete.”

“Call me Athena.” I said with a soft blush that I hoped she wouldn’t notice. “If...you aren’t busy later, and I’m not dead or dying, would you like to join me and a friend for dinner?”

The request seemed to take her by surprise but she seemed flattered and maybe even a little excited as she replied, “Oh...well...sure! My duties here end at eight every night save for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those are my required days of rest set by the Ministry. What day works for you?”

“Honestly if I give enough advance notice, I think I should be able to get any time I wanted off. This new promotion should carry enough weight behind it.”

“Wonderful! Would you like to try for tonight then?” She asked, glancing at the watch strapped to her leg. “I can meet you out front at eight-fifteen. I should be finished up by then.”

I nearly said yes until I thought about my rendezvous with Zecuro later in the night. I would have to swing by H.Q to request the evening off from fighting until the 12pm watch at Outpost Charlie-Horse. As long as we ended by eleven, I would have enough time to get to the Outpost and be on time for my shift.

“That should work perfectly.” I said with a smile. “Huckleberry and I will meet you outside this tent at twenty-fifteen hours sharp.”

“Oh? The friend is Captain Crisp?” She said with a bit of surprise, possibly thinking the ‘friend’ I had mentioned was a boyfriend or something.

“That a problem…?” I asked slowly, hopeful there wasn’t some sort of bad blood between the two of them.

“No! I guess I was just expecting...a...stallion.” She relented with a soft blush. “You talked about having somepony you loved a lot and...I guess I assumed. Sorry.”

I chuckled at how close to the truth she had gotten without even knowing it and replied, “It’s alright, it happens a lot. I don’t know why people always assume I have a special somepony. I’m a soldier girl and don’t got no time for no boys!”

I slapped my hoof against my breastplate in a show of bravado and she giggled cutely.

“I’ll agree with that.” She responded as I made my way back to the entrance of the tent. “See you tonight! Be safe out there!”

I waved and finally left the confines of the tent, trotting quickly towards my own tent and realizing finally that the sun was much lower in the sky than I had previously thought. Judging by its height above the horizon it was getting close to five or six in the evening meaning I had been out for probably a good six hours or more. That explained why I felt so well rested; a bonus because it meant I didn’t need to take a nap anymore in preparation for the night. Even then though, if I was offered the chance to take one, I was going to pounce on it with all the vigor of a Dragon. Sleep was a rarer commodity out here than food, water or even good patches of shade. Any chance to lay down not taken was a chance completely wasted never to be seen again.

The inside of the tent was saddeningly empty meaning the rest of Alpha Squad were still out and about kicking ass and taking epaulettes. I removed my helmet from my saddlebags and put it on, checking the visor’s display to see if anypony in my Squad were injured. This was a neat optional feature for commanders to use when they wanted to keep tabs on their soldiers who were wearing PipBucks and/or Ranger helmets and allowed me to see the M.H.Gs of my Squad. I was relieved to see green all around and their E.F.S markers were actually making their way back to camp. Perhaps it could be called a tad too invasive but as we were all using the old PipBuck 2000s, it wasn't like there was a lot of info to glean from the M.H.G.s. The operating system was shared between our PipBucks and helmet HUDs and was a model that had debuted sometime in 2068, a good nine years ago. From what I had heard, the 3000s standard issued to the Tin Heads had twice the processing power and functionality of our dinky old models and there were rumors that a 4000 model had recently been launched on a small scale amongst top government agencies and StableTec.

Satisfied that Huckleberry and the rest of my troops were safely accounted for and en-route to base, I hopped onto my cot and mumbled, “Alright...I’ve got a half-hour before they get back...let’s take advantage of this. Annnnnnnnd sleep!”

It wasn’t as sudden as I had wished but sleep came a few minutes after I had shut my eyes and stopped trying to force myself. The anesthetics from earlier had left me groggy enough to conk out a lot faster than normal.

********

Despite being a very heavy sleeper, there were certain things that I was always aware of, one of those being touched by unfamiliar hooves. Reflexes shot me out of bed faster than I had time to wake up and I found myself with Penny’s face in my crotch with my legs wrapped like a vice around her neck and my combat knife inches from her dark green eye.

“Whoa! Yo! It’s just me!” She hollered as best she could with her face crushed between my legs and snatch.

I let go of her immediately, sighing with relief as the electrified adrenaline wore off leaving a small ache in my recently healed front knees. She coughed a bit and rubbed her neck but quickly started to laugh.

“Holy shit.” She giggled, coughing here and there while still rubbing her neck. “That was fucking terrifying! It’s like I woke up a sleeping rattlesnake!”

“Sorry…” I said as apologetically as I could, still laying on my back and looking down my stomach at her. “Crimson Dragon training...never really leaves your system once its programmed in, ya know?”

She nodded, still smiling and laughing before she asked, “That some kind of kinky Judo grapple you and Huckleberry came up with? I mean, that’s the closest my face has ever gotten to another girl's junk.”

My first thought was honestly if she liked how it felt and my second was wondering if I was showered enough for it to still smell appetizing and not just a bunch of sweat soaked fur and flesh. Still edible of course...but not pleasant.

“Heh…” I breathed, biting my lip as familiar tingles tickled their way through my lower body. “Sorry…again.”

She shrugged and stood up, rubbing her chin with a hoof then surprisingly taking a small sniff of it.

“Hm.” She hummed, helping me up. “How’d it go?”

“Huh? Oh, the injury report.” I replied, taking a second to remember the entire reason I had gotten off the battlefield in the first place. “Went fine. Full recovery and cleared for active duty as usual. Didn’t even question my excuse for having both of my knees blown off. If anything, the question never had a chance to get off the ground since I kinda chewed her out for being a goody-horseshoes pacifist.”

“Nice.” She giggled, tossing a bag of clean fatigues onto her cot. “If you’re wondering, everyone else is out doing laundry. One of Huckleberry’s shots detonated a satchel full of landmines on this group of Zeebs and the whole place was suddenly tinnitus and body parts. I can only guess one of them was carrying a lot of blood bags or something because blood got everywhere. Like all of us were stained red from head to hoof, it was that much. Dance got a bunch of intestine wrapped around his neck like a scarf and I got brain in my duster pockets. You would've had a blast with it, no pun intended.”

“Damn...wish I could have been there.” I mused as I sat on Huck’s cot and scooped up the third of six combat knives I kept in the different places I frequented just in case I was caught without my usual weapons. “Everyone ok?”

“You know it!” She snickered, sitting beside me and uncharacteristically laying her head on my shoulder. “Hey, Athena?”

“Yeah?” I asked, looking down at her as best I could without having her slide off my shoulder.

“Do you think I would make a good mother?” She asked, a question that came completely out of left field.

“Ummmm...why…?” I asked, looking past her head to her stomach that was still as flat and unrounded as ever with no sign of a baby bump. “You’re not pregnant are you? I seriously hope not...”

“What? Oh hell no!” She laughed, patting her flat belly contentedly. “No...just thinking about what I’m going to do after the War you know? Once that white flag flies...what the hell am I going to do with my life? I’m thirty-nine and never even had a boyfriend before. I’ve been fighting this damn War for going on twenty-two years now and I’ve got nothing to show for it but skill with a shotgun, a Warrant and other asskicking related skills. I don’t cook, I don’t really clean, I have no clue how to take care of a household let alone a foal...and yet I find myself wanting to be able to do those things you know? I want to be a good wife and mother like those stupid M.O.P posters keep blabbering about. Guess you could call it a bit of a pipe dream but...I still feel its what I need to do.”

“Wait...you’re almost forty? Since fucking when?” I asked with genuine surprise.

“Since May 23rd, dumbass!” She laughed. “Yeah...I’m going on forty here soon enough. Sorry for lying about my age, you guy's aren't the only ones I had fooled...I’m not proud of how old I’ve let myself get and have nothing but this Warrant commission to show for it.”

She gestured to the little silver bars on her lapels marked with four distinct black squares, the mark of a Grade 4 Warrant Officer. While certainly no Colonel or Brigadier General, a Warrant Officer was nothing to make light of as it took just as much effort to obtain as many of the officer ranks. I didn't see what she was getting so worked up over when her accomplishments were speaking for themselves, even despite the fact the promotion had kinda been a participation trophy sort of affair. Not like any of us asked for the promotions we got or the extra responsibilities that came with them. We were scab workers filling in for fuckers killed working the machines before us and taking up the mantles they left in their wake.

“Slow down there Penny. First off, you're a fucking W-4 which means you've almost completely peaked in your career. Second, feeding into the first, you earned all these promotions! I mean, you didn’t go to an Academy did you?”

“No...enlisted as a Private back in ‘55 when I was seventeen, had to lie about my age then too. Been fighting ever since.”

Wow...she was old considering that was the same year that the War officially started.

“Exactly! That shows you’re a survivor and if you can survive getting shot at for twenty-two fucking years, pushing a foal out of your snatch and raising it is going to be a cakewalk. Relatively speaking.”

She laughed and sighed softly, her warm breath tickling my fur beneath my button-up shirt.

“Thanks...you really think I could pull it off? The whole stay-at-home mom thing?”

“Well...knowing your feisty go-attem attitude, it’ll probably take you a few years or more to get used to it but I think you’d do a great job as a mom if you ever chose to settle down with someone. You’ve got a strong maternal instinct, I can feel it. Definitely a damn better mom than I'd ever fucking make. I don't got any of those mom instincts everypony talks about and don't really think I care to ever have 'em anyway. I mean, not gonna lie...I hate being around kids. Even my mom fucking agrees with me that me having kids probably wouldn't be the wisest choice given who I am.”

“Speaking of your mom, would you mind asking your mom next time you talk to her if she’d be willing to talk to me about the whole mothering thing since she had to raise your sorry ass on her own.”

“The hell you implying?” I scoffed in mock offense just as the rest of the group walked into the tent with their bags of fresh laundry and new uniforms.

“Well hey! Looks like Penny finally decided to pop her cherry!” Huckleberry giggled as she observed Penny’s head resting on my shoulder. “Don’t get too attached ya hear? That there is my girl and I’ll fight ya for her, Chief Warrant Officer or no.”

She quickly whipped her head back from off of me with a deep blush to her light blue cheeks and stuttered, “N-no! I w-was just...oh fuck me…”
Hucks rushed up and pinned her back on the cot beside me with a sultry smirk as she said, “That can be arranged. Name the time and place and we’ll show you what a real orgasm feels like. Don’t think I can’t hear you at night baby...or smell you in the morning. Blue raspberry isn’t something you’d normally smell out in the desert surrounded by sweaty soldier boys.”
Penny went dark red with embarrassed horror while the only males in the group stood close with wide excited eyes at the rather steamy show going on in front of them. It was one of the few redeeming qualities about guys I enjoyed...they were the only ones who liked a little mare on mare action more than even I did. Not that I blamed them at all for it...after all, we were the cuter sex. Although...male Griffins still had a fair amount of allure I had to admit.
Hucks let her go soon afterwards though not without leaving a small kiss right on her lips and a tender loving smile before helping her up and giving her a tight hug. Buck and Dancer both groaned in disappointment that there wasn’t going to be a hot lesbian threesome for them to enjoy but I had the suspicion Huckleberry had finally broken Penny’s stubborn heterosexualism so maybe the boys would get a show after all. Maybe not tonight but perhaps someday. Was a right better dream to think possible than that the War wouldn't escalate to the point that Megaspells and Balefire got involved for real.
“Soooo, Penny told me y’all got bathed in blood out there? How was that?” I asked, doing my best to give Penny a break from the hungry gaze of our two sex-starved boys.
“Wet, hot and colorful.” Dancer said simply, rubbing his neck with a look of disgust that I wouldn’t have understood had Penny not told me about his new scarf.
“Fucking awesome!” Buck bellowed. “I can check that off my bucket list.”
“Oh? What else is on this list of yours?” Hucks asked, sitting Penny down so she could recover before plopping down next to me on her cot. “Let me guess, punch a dolphin? Maybe rub butter on your brother and call him toasted bread?”
“Nah, though I like the dolphin idea.” He laughed as he crashed onto his cot. “They’re smug little fuckers with their little flippers and fancy tricks...but no, next up on my list is to take a picture of a missile using a regular old camera right before it hits me in the face. After that, I wanna dig a giant hole out there in the Badlands and fill it full of Zebras then toss in a couple crates full of Obsidian Geckos and watch them duke it out.”
I had to admit both of those sounded like really cool things to try and accomplish as demented and dangerous as they were but then again this was Buck Beak. Demented was his bread and butter.
“Huh...I’d pay to see that.” I commented before silence fell about the tent, Penny climbing up to her cot and holding her bag of laundry close to her.
“So...you ready for tonight?” Dancer asked as he rummaged around in his bag and surprisingly pulled out a black bottle of Absent.
“Yeah...but answer me this, where in the hell did you get that? That’s illegal, even with the Colonel.” I responded, jabbing a hoof at the bottle. "Hell, even I don't feel right about that thing being here."
“Eh, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Buck Beak grinned as he snatched the bottle from Dance’s hooves and stabbed his talon into the cork, pulling it out with a loud pleasing pop.
“What’s this?” Penny asked, leaning down from her bunk with curiosity since she enjoyed drinking as much as everyone else save for Hucks and myself.
“Absent! Where’ve you been Penny?” Buck laughed as he took a long draught before holding the bottle away from him, gagging and making noises like he was trying to really clear his throat. “H-holy fuck! What is that?!”
“It’s the new recipe, just hit the DM!” Dancer proclaimed proudly. “They call it the Draught of Living Death!”

“I can see why…” I sighed as I peered at the jet-black liquid that smelled strongly of enchanted alcohol all throughout the tent making my nostrils burn almost as bad as those first few seconds of NecroGas while you’re fumbling for your mask.

“I still don’t get it, what is it?” Penny asked, sniffing the air then grinning. “Me smells strong liquor!”

“That’s right! Want a swig?” Dancer asked encouragingly as Buck flopped onto his cot looking dazed and already high as fuck.

“Before you do that Penny…” I sighed, holding out a hoof between her and the bottle being offered to her. “Absent is a new alcohol that’s been around for only a few years now. It’s two-hundred proof made from Red Berryl flowers and the fermented paste used to make Buck and enchanted with a psychedelic spell that makes you trip major balls. Can get addicted to just whiffing the fumes coming off the bottle like those weirdos in the Engineers who got hooked to sniffing the petrol used in the armored fighting vehicles. Tried this shit myself once back in EastPoint on a dare and was lucky to come to safe and sound at home two days later after a complete blackout drunk/high. Scary fuckin' shit...”

She pushed my hoof out of the way and held the bottle to the sky like a chalice to the gods and said, “Where the hell have you been all my life you amazing sounding liquid goodness of life?”

“Waiting for you to find it…” Huckleberry mumbled as Penny chugged almost the rest of the bottle, none of us making a move to stop her since it was pointless to try. She drank any of us under the table on the rare nights allowed off base to go out together as a group in civilian clothes.

She gasped a bit as her lips left the mouth of the bottle and gave a very cowgirl-like 'woooowie!' before tossing what was left to Dancer and sitting on the edge of her cot looking straight ahead as if waiting for something.

“Damn! What a feisty ass bottle that! I don’t feel anything.” She said in a normal voice unlike Buck who acted like he had crammed a bottle of acid down his esophagus. “When does it kick in?”

“Depends on body type, weight and a bunch of other stuff.” I said with another sigh, disappointed in her enthusiasm for the effect. “With how much you drank...I’ll be seeing you at the M.O.P tent in twenty minutes or less. Before you lose touch with reality, please try to remember not to tell them too much. Shoot for mild-illnesses and possibly poisoning in battle from a Scorpio since the toxin is known to cause hallucinations. Last thing we need is for one of us to get thrown in the brig for being intoxicated on station.”

“Huh…?” She asked distractedly, her eyes glazing over as she mumbled, “Shiiiiiiiiit…”

And without another word she fell backwards onto her cot, mumbling gibberish to herself and giggling at the hallucinations playing out in her mind’s eye. Absent was truly something else, supposedly the result of illegal alchemy blended with age-old distillation techniques and some narcotics. I could only wonder what kind of damage it was doing in the civilian sphere with so many looking to escape the modern world.

I just personally never saw the allure of alcohol no matter the type or the people who drank it. Growing up in high school, the bulk of my filly friends ended up pregnant, broke, in a really bad relationship or all of the above all thanks to alcohol and similar substances. Even when reluctantly dragged into a party by my friends, I would sit in the corner trying to do something, anything but pay attention to the chaos and debauchery happening around me. That’s not to say I was a little angel filly with a clean nose and a pure conscience...my nose was usually covered in mare cum and my conscience was mostly left chained up in the basement of my mind while I full-heartedly hurled myself into a relatively rebellious lifestyle. Even in all that time though...I never once got drunk and only accidentally got tastes of the different alcohols usually available to high school seniors. Accidents because every cup, bottle and jug was a possible hiding spot for other dumbasses' stashes. Again...my aversion was not out of some sense of moral conscience, it was just simply out of a logical hatred for what it did to people. Conversing with drunks was a painful, smelly experience and there was always a high probability of violence breaking out with just how much I hated being around them. One cat call or unwanted grope was enough to send the slobbering idiot to the floor with a punch to the gut or a Judo takedown over the shoulder.

“Dude…” Buck Beak chuckled with a slurred tone, pointing to the tent flap that was partially open to try and tempt the cool evening air inside. “S-shut that fucker up, bro.”

Dance, who had drained the last of the bottle in the meantime, shook his head lazily and mumbled, “Nah...I...I need it up-down for my...irises…”

“Dude it’s fucking tripping me out that it’s open dude…” Buck said in a slightly frantic if stoned voice, pointing at the tent flap in earnest like it was paramount to his survival.

“Why…?”

“Fucking……...people dude…”

They proceeded to chuckle and squawk until they hugged each other tightly and began to sway back and forth through the center of the tent lazily humming a bumbling waltz. I had seen both of them drunk more times than I cared to admit (they had the scars to prove it), but I had never seem them acting so...gay. It was fucking hilarious to watch as they stumbled over each other trying to agree on the right tempo to hum along at but if I didn’t know they were drunk as fuck, I would have been tempted to think they had a thing for each other. I knew they didn’t...but, it was fun to think they did. I was unsure if even Huckleberry knew I had a thing for gay birds. My hots for Griffins was well-known to her but I had never considered just how arousing the idea of one of em taking it up the ass was until now. More than likely it would be Buck on top having to assert himself as always but...I couldn't lie that I was into the idea. They could joke all they wanted about me being lesbian but at the end of the day I was firmly bisexual. It just so happened my taste in males had feathers, paws and beaks. Stallions were fine enough but nothing beats a knotted cock and the feeling of hands gripping your ass.

After another thirty more minutes of them attempting to out-dance the other, they both passed out on Buck’s cot, each drooling on the other as they slept off the potent brew. Penny continued to giggle to herself as she traced her hooves through the air above her making complex shapes and designs. It was rather adorable to see, especially now that I knew she was going on 40. There was just something childish and innocent about her mannerisms that was endearing and I hoped she would show this side of her more often. Just because a girl moved out of her younger years doesn’t mean that she should grow up entirely. Besides, Hucks and I liked doing age play more and more often these days because seriously...the only thing cuter than a grown up version of Hucks was a cute as hell smaller version of her!

“Well...looks like we are the only survivors. Again.” Hucks said with a small smile, tossing a blanket over the two guys and putting a pillow under Penny’s head. “It’s just like Poor Richie’s all over again isn’t it?”

“Eh...sure.” I replied, checking Penny’s pulse when she finally fell asleep to make sure she was still alive. “Though there’s a lot less...broken bones, glass and strippers this time around.”

She snorted and shook her head in laughter as she wiggled her shoulders seductively in a manner familiar to the night in question.

“What was her name? The one who gave you a hornjob on stage?” She asked, biting her lip in thought.

“Ah shit...Mulberry?” I asked hesitantly finding it difficult to remember all the details from before the bar fight.

“That’s her real name but what was her stripper name? Cunny Bunny?”

“No, that was the one Buck ended up decking after she yanked a feather out of his neck and stuck it in her mane. I think it was Clitoria Labia...or something like that. I don’t honestly know. So much shit happened that night.”

She nuzzled the scars on my right shoulder from where a stallion had stabbed me with a broken bottle and said, “Hell yeah it did. Thankfully the Colonel was there...no idea what would’ve happened if he wasn’t.”

“Yeah…” I sighed, thinking about how similar a shade of red his face was when compared to the fire extinguisher he was brandishing after the bar top fire was snuffed out. “I’ve been thinking about my mom lately…”

“Oh?” She asked inquisitively, laying her head on my shoulder and rubbing small circles on my chest. “What about her? Has she given you any more grief about going into debt for the house we want?”

“No, we actually haven’t even talked about that in months now ever since you told her the status of our savings account. No...it’s just. I don’t know...”

“Common...you can tell me babe.” She teased cutely, kissing under my jaw and nuzzling my ear. “Let me guess, she wants you to make her cute grandbabies or something? My mom won’t get off my ass about that.”

“She’s mentioned it but she knows I’m not one for kids…” I replied, sighing inwardly at the thought of raising a bratty little colt. “No...I just...I don’t want her to get too much older while I’m still in the Army you know? She’s almost a hundred for fuck's sake and that grey hair is going to start showing up whether we like it or not. What if she dies of old age while I’m still out here in the fuck middle of nowhere? I mean...aside from you, she’s all I’ve got. The moment whoever the fuck it was came in her in dentist school, she’s had to raise me herself. Working thousands of long hours at the office picking shit out of pony’s teeth and filling in all the holes Pinkie Pie’s stupid fucking sugar cakes put in them and...I never had the brain to appreciate her struggle when I was growing up. I didn't even know she was in her 70s when she had me...I learned that when I turned 16. When the War started, I saw all the older kids signing up by the dozen to go and fight the good fight and...I wanted that. I hated being the weirdo on the playground who always got picked on because I liked boy toys more than girl ones.”

“Let me guess...you wanted the Redshift Rider BB-Gun for Hearths Warming didn’t you?” She teased.

“Damn right I did! I spent days reading all the reviews for it and watching all those cheesy ass commercials they had on the T.V back in the day...that thing got me to finally stand up for myself and I punched that stupid bitch right in her ugly ass smug little face.”

“Oh? Wait, is that what landed you in court?” She asked, staring at me in recognition.

“Woah, woah, woah! It didn’t go to court babe...that was the story mom and I keep telling to have something interesting to tell everypony at like parties and shit. Check the records, you won’t find anything.”

“So…what happened? Your mom and her mom duke it out or something?” She giggled, booping my muzzle playfully.

“It was her dad actually but yeah, that’s what happened.” I laughed. “Mom summoned up her college girl days and beat the shit out of him. She was a self-professed professional bitch slapper from what she tells me...and from the fact he got plastic surgery to cover it up and mom paid for it, they called it even and I never talked to the bitch again.”

Her stunned silence was highly amusing as my mom, the best dentist in PonyVille (according to Gabby Gums), wasn’t the one you’d expect that sort of behavior from. Her feisty nature brought me back to what I was thinking about the other night...and I didn’t know if I could sum up the courage to tell her what I was really thinking about mom. I knew she wouldn’t care if I told her I had the hots for my mom but was I brave enough to admit it out loud? Maybe I needed an outsider’s opinion. Maybe...maybe Zecuro could be the advice giver non-pony person thing I needed. At least for the courage to say it out loud. For all their warmongering, the Zebras had wisdom in spades.

“You are right about one thing.” She said after a while. “Your mom is still pretty fucking hot for going on a hundred-years old. My mom looks like a raisin with a maternal instinct and a ruby necklace and she's only half her age.”

“Heh...yeah, she is pretty purple. But she’s not that ugly, common. How can you diss your own momma?”

“True! At least she hasn’t hit that point in her life where she complains about everything and everyone.”

Snores filled the tent while the hustle and bustle of a military in motion rumbled along unabated outside. The ground shuddered as the final shots from the Howitzers roared over the valley, hurtling shells at Camp Fuck-Off while the air was tense with caution born of a warzone. And yet, for all the chaos and commotion surrounding us, we were at peace with the world. It was small, fragile and admittedly illegal...but it was ours and we cherished it with all the tender care of a happy parent.

****************