Jesus comes to Equestria

by Bee Propaganda

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Berry Punch, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1585

It goes as well as expected

Jesus Christ comes to Equestria. One mare finds out what he can really do.

Published 2018-03-14 11:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-09 06:52:26 UTC

The chapter they did not ask for, but I wrote it anyways

An almighty omnipotent voice thunder aloud
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes father? How may I serve you this fine Sunday morning?" replied Jesus. Jesus was ecstatic that his father, BRUCE ALMIGHTY, was finally acknowledging his existence. He gave a few mental fist bumps that Bruce may or may not have saw in his mind.

"I have an extra important mission that I need you to complete." Bruce began. He manifested a white board and several purple markers, so that he may draw a diagram for the holy son. "I need you to head to Ponyville, There you will spread the ways of me, You will speak of the wonders I can provide for the equines. You will make them acknowledge my presence, and you will see to it that they will no longer worship false deities like Celestia and Luna"

"Yes father, I will see to it that it is done" Jesus said. He summoned his green portal with the snap of his fingers and peered inside. "Nope. That's care bears..... Nope....... Uh-uh......Where the Satan home is this Bruce darn universe?" Jesus grumbled angrily. It looks like Jesus has already failed his father. That was until with some uncanny luck, that only Gaben himself could provide, Jesus found the small town. He gave a sigh of relief and quickly dived into the green swirling portal.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Jesus as he quickly fell to the ground. He thought he was a dead jew. That was until he remembered he could fly, with a snap of his fingers he gave himself wings. "heh heh.... Man it it feels good to be in god mod heh heh" Jesus chuckled to himself

Jesus was lazily drifting through the sky, and he had no idea where he was supposed to be heading. He believed his father told him to go to some place called Ponyville. He was thinking of how he should start his mission while he was descending from the heavens. His thoughts were interrupted as his feet touched the soft, comfortable, dark green grass. Jesus started to walk in a random direction. He was a holy man on a mission.

Jesus was on his way to a forest covered in black vines. The vines seemed to be moving, but he was not worried at all. the vines knew that he was powerful. As they parted for him to enter, he gave a silent thanks to the thoughtful plants. Jesus loved all life no matter how ugly. That was even true for the ferocious manticore. The beast roared at Jesus. He broke into a full sprint intent on killing his prey, but Jesus dodged it at the last second. The beast was about to attack again, but Jesus used his god-like powers to will the beast to sit. He strode up to the beast slowly. The beast was now scared for its life sensing that it could no longer move. Jesus was now right in front of the cowering beast. He asked a simple question.

"Where is Ponyville?" the son of Bruce asked in a commanding tone that showed no weakness. The manticore whimpered not trying to hide its eyes away from the holy son. Jesus sighed. "Hey now, little manty, Do not fear the love of Bruce. If you show me the way to Ponyville, I will repay your kindness tenfold." Jesus bargained. The manticore calmed down a bit after hearing this. It started to wag its tail wildly. Jesus took note of that. "If I let you go will you show me the way to Ponyville?" The manticore nodded excitedly.

"Ok" with the snap of his fingers the divine intervention was interrupted. The manticore practically skipped in a direction that Jesus could only assume was the way to Ponyville.

After several minutes of walking the duo made their way to the edge of a forest. The manticore looked down at Jesus and gave him a small nod. Jesus in turn stroked the manticore's chin eliciting a delightful purr from the beast.

"As promised..." Jesus snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. Suddenly a basket of fish landed in front of the manticore. The manticore deadpanned at the basket and looked back up to Jesus. "This basket will automatically refill every morning. Why every morning you may be wondering. It's so you don't get fat and lazy, you still need to do your normal routine to stay in shape." Jesus explained casually. The manticore nodded at this statement. He walked up to Jesus and proceeded to give him a goodbye lick on the cheek. Jesus chuckled "I will remember you my faithful beast, may the roads lead you to safety" With that Jesus walked out of the forest and spotted a small village that was a few miles down the road. He trudged on his journey slowly nearing its end.

Jesus was about halfway to the town when he heard the sounds of something crying softly. He looked around, but the son of Bruce could not see anything. He groaned and put on his Bruce-Vision. Jesus instantly saw a small equine shaped creature. He was wondering why something was crying in his presence. He was going to take it upon himself to cheer this creature of Bruce up. "Hello, creature of the Almighty Bruce, Why is one all alone sitting in this clearing?" Jesus asked with a concerned but stern voice.

The creature froze hearing his words. It wasn't expecting anything to be out this far. The creature thought it best to just explain their presence in the clearing before things got to crazy.

The creature arose revealing an earth pony with a light maroon coat, the mane and tail of the equine was a darker shade of maroon. Jesus couldn't believe what he was seeing. He couldn't believe his luck. This was a native of this land. "I am sorry to disturb you, mr?.............mrs?......."

The equine spoke up "Punch, Berry Punch..." Berry replied timidly. She could sense that the air around this strange creature was powerful. She didn't want to upset it to much so she didn't look into his eyes out of respect.

"What ails you, my little equine?" Jesus asked in a commanding tone. He was a holy man on a mission, and he would see to it that these equines believe and worship his father.

"I dropped my..." Berry began timidly while she stared at the ground of her empty bottle.

"SPEAK UP!" Jesus commanded "I will not tolerate beating around the bush, when there are creatures that need to feel the love of Bruce." Jesus explained with a softened expression.

Berry looked at the strange figure in front of her. She gulped and mentally prepared for his laughter "I dropped my bottle of wine and now I don't have anything to give my friend Ditzy for her birthday." Berry said solmenly

Jesus chuckled at the mention of wine which made berry cringe a little because she thought he was chuckling at her problem. "I can make you more wine" Jesus casually explained. Berry was confused at his statement. She was about to ask him how he could possibly make her wine but he beat her to the punch(Pun intended). "I can turn water into wine" He explained "I just need you to go fill up your bottle and bring it to me" He said while pointing at her empty bottle. She nodded and headed to the river.

Berry brought up the bottle filled with water and hoofed it over to him. Jesus hummed a strange tune, and the bottle started to glow. After about a minute of humming, he handed the bottle over to Berry.

"Take a drink" he commanded with a warm smile. She hesitated at first, but she did not wish to be rude. She could always fake the water being wine. As the liquid hit her tongue her eyes widened. She was about to ask how he did that, but suddenly a blast came out of nowhere, and sent Jesus to some unknown place. Berry looked into the direction the blast came from and saw Celestia hovering up high. She knelt down as Celestia descended.

"What did he give you?" Celestia asked in a calm voice. She eyed the bottle in Berry's grasp for a second before looking at the kneeling mare.

"He gave me some wine, princess." Berry replied. "Would you like some?" She offered the wine, but Celestia shook her head no.

"I do not wish to have any wine right now." Celestia conclude as she teleported away. Celestia was glad she stopped another prophet of Bruce. She couldn't believe he was still sending his prophets to corrupt her little ponies. She made a mental note to double her guards patrol routes when she got back to the castle.

Little did she know that Berry was corrupted. The drink was enhanced to give Berry the knowledge of Jesus MOTHER FUCKING Christ. She was now a mare on mission ready to spread the word of Bruce Almighty to her fellow equines.

The End

Author's Note

Reasons why I wrote this.

I was bored

I wanted to trigger

I like towrite shit that gets downvotes
So do the last two and get triggered, so you can down vote

PS I know it is a shitty story don't say that in the comments

RePOrT ThiS ChAptER

Jesus murdered twilight sparkle the next day.