Episode 2: Derpy on The Daily Show
With a heavy sigh Jon threw himself on his living room sofa, tossing his phone on the table in the process. His head was still spinning from the past 24 hours. It would be awhile before the final numbers came in but for the time being what he did know was his show was the most viewed program that day. "Comedic gold," "interview of the millennium," "best thing to happen to television." These were just some of the acclaims many professional reviewers were saying about the episode.
Jon had just finished taking the last of his phone calls. After his interview with Spike he was bombarded by calls and emails from newspapers, websites, and other TV shows begging for a quote or preview of what was to come next (To which even Jon didn't know). Shortly after, and even during, the interview fans were buzzing on Twitter, Facebook, and social forums about what they had witnessed. It had gotten so popular that when Jon (As a social experiment) typed his name in Google the first few suggestions were:
"Did you mean: Jon Stewart *interviews Dragon*?"
"Did you mean: Jon Stewart *interviews Spike*?"
"Did you mean: Jon Stewart *Equestria*?"
"Did you mean: Jon Stewart *and the talking dragon?*"
Reporters and fans aside, Jon was also getting the occasional call from family members and colleagues congratulating him on his impressive feat. Something that even he still had a hard time believing.
"A Dragon." Jon thought, laughing out loud. "I interviewed a God damned, dragon!"
Putting his feet on the table Jon placed both his hands over his face hiding his ever growing smile. He wondered if all of this was just some very realistic dream that, at any moment, he would wake up from with nothing to show for it.
To test this theory he leaned forward and grabbed the list he acquired from Princess Celestia. The list which contained the names of the many residents of Ponyville. He felt the papyrus in his hands, he saw the wrinkles in the pages, he could smell the distinct odor emanating from it, he heard it make noises every time he furled and unfurled it's pages, and he could taste the future possibilities.
Yep, this was very real and what Jon didn't know was it had only just begun.
As he continued to be lost in his own thoughts he realized that he hadn't spoken with Celestia since last night. He aimed to resolve this so he reached again for his phone, which was almost out of power. Before he could dial he noticed a fairly new text message that was unread. He must not have noticed it as not even a wild elephant couldn't break him away from his current daze. It was from none other than his good friend Stephen Colbert who (As a fellow host knew the importance of getting ready the night before) had simply said: "Saw the show. You were great!"
This made Jon smile as he made a quick, but heartfelt, response and continued to dial the number of the far way princess. Jon still needed to look at the princess' letter for reference as he hadn't saved her number in his contacts yet. Though in time he would be able to recite the number by heart.
After a few seconds of ringing, much like before, the same gentle voice once again greeted him.
"Hello Mr. Stewart," Celestia said from the other end of the line. "Its good to hear from you again."
"Likewise, your majesty.'" Jon said. "Also, like I said before please...call me 'Jon.'"
"Oh, my apologies," She said, sounding amused. "Very well but only if you call me 'Celestia.'" Jon felt somewhat awkward at the idea of addressing royalty with such a lack of formality but decided very quickly to just go along with it.
"Not a problem...Celestia." He said
"So what do I owe the pleasure of your calling me so soon?" She wondered.
"Well for starters I just wanted to thank you for loaning your dragon to me," Jon said, facetiously.
"Not a problem," Celestia said, with a giggle. "Spike had a wonderful time in New York, I do hope he wasn't too much of a handful."
"No not at all." He said. "As a matter a fact thanks to him our program saw a huge increase in viewership. He really made a big impact on the show. I guess you can say because of him our popularity really 'Spiked.'" As the words left his lips Jon felt utterly ashamed at such a transparently horrible joke. The princess however found it quite humorous.
"I'm so glad to hear!" She replied with a hearty laugh.
"Uh yeah, we haven't seen numbers this high since I got to interview Obama a few years back." Jon continued. "And even those pale in comparison to this."
"Hmm?" Celestia said. "I'm sorry, who is 'Obama.'" For a brief moment Jon was taken aback only realize that her question was a perfectly reasonable all things considered.
"Oh sorry that's right you're not from around here," Jon deduced. "Uh, I guess you can say he's the...'Princess Celestia' of our world."
"How fascinating!" She replied, sounding as genuine as always.
"Yeah, yeah, except instead of wings and a horn our guy has death drones and a seemingly endless supply of soldiers." He added, with a slight grin.
"Oh...I see." Celestia said, clearing her throat. "Now then I believe you had another reason for calling me." Jon was tempted to tease her some more but time was of the essence. It was time to get down to business.
"Yes actually, I wanted to talk to you about who I wanted to appear on my show for tomorrow." Jon said, holding the list of names in front of his face.
"Oh my," Celestia said. "So soon?"
"Well as I'm sure you know I do a show every day except for weekends," he explained. "And the fans really took a liking to my interview with Spike. So much so that they want more Equestrian interviews. I want to see if we can't make lightning strike twice."
"I see." Celestia said, impressed by Jon's tenacity. "Well Mr. St- Jon, I am very pleased to hear this and am more than happy to further assist you. So, have you decided on who you wish to interview next."
Ever since the overwhelming popularity of his last interview Jon had been wrestling with the same question over and over again in his mind: How am I going to top it? An interview with real life dragon wasn't going to be easy to beat. His next choice could go either way depending on how he handled it. Jon had an idea of who he wanted to interview next but to go any further he needed some background information first.
Celestia's voice, checking to see if Jon was still on the line, woke him up from his deep thought and he begun to speak again, picking his words carefully.
"Well I do have an idea but before I make my decision I want to ask you something, but you have to promise me you get offended" Jon said cautiously. This really got Celestia's attention.
"I shall do my best." Celestia said, truthfully.
"Well I've been thinking," Jon said, debating in his head if he should continue. "Do you guys in Equestria...have books?" To his relief his question wasn't met with hostility or malice but instead by a fit of laughter.
"Why Jon, of course we do!" She answered. "What a silly thing to ask." Jon wanted to respond by asking how then do people in Equestria hold them in their fingerless hooves but decided not to press his luck.
"Sorry," Jon said now embarrassed. "I'm still getting used to this alternate world of multi-colored talking animals thing."
"That's quite alright," Celestia said with a chuckle. "Why the sudden interest in pony literature?"
"Well as you may or may not know, whenever I get the chance, I like to interview people who've just published a book." Jon answered, informatively. "It's actually one of my favorite kinds of interviews because on the one hand the person I'm interviewing gets time on the air to promote their book, and on the other hand I get to make fun of them for writing such a terrible book. It's a win win. So, I was I was wondering if anyone on the list is a published author."
"I see...how efficient. Give me a moment to think about this," Celestia said, tapping her hoof against the floor in thought. "While I do know some ponies whose special talent is writing I'm afraid none of them are present on the list I provided." For a very brief moment Jon found it odd that she used the phrase 'special talent' but quickly dismissed it as mere colorful euphemisms.
"Well writing books doesn't have to their career." Jon added, not ready to give up on his plan. "It could just be some average Joe who wrote a book just for the heck of it. Those are usually the funniest ones."
"Yes well still I don't thin- Oh!" Celestia said, with a sudden realization. "Actually there is somepony on the list who wrote her own book not too long ago."
"Oh that's great!" Jon replied, now literally on the edge of his seat. "Who is she."
"Actually this is quite the coincidence," Celestia continued, amused by the circumstances at hand. "Because as I recall you've technically already invited her on your show."
"I have?" Jon wondered aloud.
"Indeed you have, Jon." she replied. "Does the name 'Derpy' ring a bell?"
Interview: Please welcome to the show Derpy!
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Episode 2: Derpy on The Daily Show
Interview: Please welcome to the show Derpy!
The Daily Show Interview transcript archive:
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Derpy Hooves (Derpy)
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
With the success of his last interview the 'Daily show's' audience attendance had filled up in record time! Producers were even thinking of expanding the set to fit more guests. As the show returned from another commercial break the audience began to cheer and holler with excitement for they knew what was next. The interview segment.
"Welcome back to the program, we have a very special guest tonight!" Jon said, briefly pausing to let the audience's cheers die down. "She's the premiere mailmare for Ponyville and other parts of Equestria, her new book is called '50 shades of muffins: How a simple food product can change your life.' Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the show, Derpy!"
Both the audience and Jon stood up to applaud their guest who slowly made her way onto the stage. She was a grey colored Pegasus with light blonde hair and her cutie mark (Something that Jon has yet to learn about) depicted 7 bubbles. Her most notable feature however was her eyes which seemed be looking in every direction but in front of her.
At this point in his life Jon had never witnessed a pony fly before, but even he could infer from her flying patterns that something was off. Derpy, instead of simply flying straight to the desk, flew lazily from side to side at different altitudes almost as if she was intoxicated and her legs danged carelessly instead of being used for balance. This was made all the more awkward by a large satchel bag worn around her neck which seemed to be weighing her down like an anchor. All the while adorning a ditzy looking smile which she will have worn for most of the upcoming interview.
After a while she started to fly slightly off course and looked to be heading straight into the cameraman. Jon took no chances and met the wayward Pegasus halfway. He shook her hoof, much to her joy, and placed an arm around her shoulder to guide her to the appropriate location. Soon the two sat down, with Jon looking at Derpy and Derpy looking everywhere but Jon.
"Glad to have you on the show Derpy," Jon began, "N-now tell me...is Derpy your real name? I mean do you have a last name or are you like Cher with the one?" Derpy responded with a slight laugh, though she didn't know what was so funny.
"Oh no Jon, my name is Derpy Hooves!" She said, throwing her hooves in the air.
"Derpy...'Hooves'?" Jon said quizzically, noting that her rate of speech was slightly 'off'. "That's your name?"
"It sure is!" She said in excitement, as she scratched the back of her ear with her hind leg messing up her already messed up hair. Jon began to wonder if the term 'special guest' was more applicable than he had thought.
"Well it's a pleasure to have you on the show Derpy Hooves." He said, once again shaking the young Pony's hoof. "My name is Jon Feet." This caused Derpy to once again laugh but again she laughed for the wrong reason.
"Oh Jon, that's not your name!" She said, shaking her head. "Your name is Jon Stewart...you're such a silly!"
"I guess I am." Jon said proudly, brushing away the imaginary dust on his shoulders. "I guess that's why they gave me this gig...speaking of which I hear you're a big fan of the show."
"I sure am!" Derpy exclaimed, her wings now standing on end. "I watch your show everyday! I even made my own stage and desk and pretend to talk to an audience... like you!"
Jon felt flattered at his guest's wanting to be like him.
"Well uh... if I've never in the neighborhood maybe I'll drop by as a guest of yours." Jon offered which made Derpy's wings spring up in excitement. Quickly she reeled herself back and tried to put on a serious face.
"Weeeell my schedule is quite busy," she began as she fished out a notebook and began to browse through it, each page clearly blank. "Buuut I'm sure I can pencil you in!"
The audience (As well as Jon to a lesser degree) laughed at her attempt to sound professional. They were slowly falling in love with her.
"You know I uh- I gotta ask," he said, waving his hand in a circular motion. "You say you watch the show all the time but... uh, you are from a different world entirely. Do you ever get confused at some of things that...that we talk about." Derpy fell silent for a moment, her eyes occasionally changing positions.
"Most of the time yes, but some of the things you say are just so darn funny I...I just can't help but watch!" She said holding back a laugh. "Like how you used to make fun of that Bush fellow." It took Jon but only a moment to realize what she was talking about.
"You mean our former president George Bush?" He asked.
"Yeah yeah!" Derpy said. "I used to loooove that!" Before Jon could comment on his guest's last statement, Derpy (Who inadvertently dated her self quite a bit) continued by squinting her wall-eyes as she placed both her hooves in front of her.
"'I...am the decider!'" She said, in a low southern sounding voice. "'Heh, heh, heh.'" The crowd erupted in applause at what they had just seen. The sight of a cross-eyed Pegasus doing an impersonation of Jon doing an impersonation of George W. Bush was all the proof he needed that this guest was about to steal the show. Jon waited for the audience to calm down before speaking again.
"So...so what part of the show would you say if your favorite?" Jon asked.
"Hmmm, well let's see...OH! I know I know!" Derpy said, eagerly waiting in her seat like a 747 waiting for permission to take off. Jon's motioned for her to continue and she did.
"I really like it whenever John Oliver is on!" She said, closing her eyes with a slight blush. "I think he's such a cutie!" Jon took this opportunity to poke fun at both Derpy and Oliver.
"Ooooo sorry Derpy,' he cooed, with an obviously forced expression. "I don't mean to break your heart but I don't think Jon would be interes- although he is English so I suppose if anyone would be willing to fuck a horse it'd be him."
The audience laughed with a few of them shouting "Woo!" in a sexual manner, to which Jon had to point out and insist they calm down. Derpy however was once again oblivious to what was going on, though it didn't seem to bother her in the slightest.
"Wha-what I'm saying here is I think you have a chance." Jon added, much to the amusement of the audience.
"So being the uh...Mailmare for an entire town," Jon said. "That must be a lot of hard work.'
"It sure is!" She replied. "But it's also a lot of fun! I get to meet all kinds of interesting people and they don't mind when I mess up too bad."
"What do you mean by 'mess up too bad.'" He asked, feeling somewhat worried.
"Well like sometimes I deliver the wrong letter to the wrong person," she said. "And sometimes instead of putting someones mail in their mailbox I accidentally put it in their chimney or in the gutter." Jon wanted to laugh at her joke but something told him that she wasn't joking at all.
"And this one time somepony mailed some other pony a package and it was ticking," she continued. "But I lost it on my way there so it never got delivered."
"That's...very interesting." Jon said, with a look of concern on his face. "Tell me...how did you get to be the Mailmare again?"
"Oh that's easy," she said. "No pony else wanted to do it. So I volunteered."
"Wait...so if no one else ever wanted to do this job, then, I mean- who's covering your rounds right now?"
"No pony is," Derpy replied, lifting her large satchel bag onto the desk. "I'm supposed to be delivering the mail right now, but I'm sure no pony will mind if take some time off to be here. The audience laughed as Jon buried his face in his hands. He tried to quickly change the subject.
"So, Derpy," he continued looking around as if a new topic would fall in his lap. "You...you're the first pony I've ever had on the show! This is...that's quite milestone. But I've met with your princess and I've noticed you two have very different characteristics."
"We do?" Derpy responded.
"Yes uh, yes you do. For one she's a lot bigger than you, and Celestia if you're watching that wasn't a fat joke." Jon announced, pointing at a camera. "But what I find...interesting is she has both wings and a horn."
"She does!" Derpy responded, much to the confusion of Jon who wondered if she had any idea what her leader looks like? "Oh wow she's so lucky! I wish I had horns and wings."
Now Jon went from being confused to being perplexed.
"B-but Derpy you do have wings." Jon said, pointing to her back. Derpy, looking somewhat lost now, arched herself to look over her shoulder. She flapped her wings a few times to be sure they were hers, unintentionally slapping herself across the face in the process.
"Oh yeah, I guess I do," She said, looking embarrassed. "I guess I forgot." Jon shook his head and tried to not laugh at his guest.
"I-I know exactly how you feel," Jon retorted, straightening out his notes. "Sometimes I myself forget how to eat and I find myself just staring at my breakfast till it all comes back to me." Derpy's mouth hanged open in astonishment.
"YOU TOO?!" She responded, with a gasp. Jon could hold back his laughter no more.
He didn't know if this was all just an act or if his new feathered friend really was this daft. Either way he found it impossible to not like her. After he found his breath he continued to question her.
"So hey you have a book out don't ya!" He said, fighting off the occasional left over chuckle.
"I sure do!" She replied. "It's called: "50 shades of muffins," I made it all by myself! It's my favorite book ever!" Had it been any other guest, Jon would've considered them to be very conceited for choosing their own work as their favorite book. But this wasn't any other quest; with Derpy he saw nothing but pure innocence in her crooked eyes.
"What's your favorite book, Jon?" Derpy asked getting somewhat off topic.
"Oh, mine? I would have to saaaay...probably 'Where's Waldo,'" Jon said, nodding. He noticed the confusion on her face he decided to elaborate. "It's a children's book where you find a popular character whose always hiding in the background. But I'm sure you know nothing about that."
"Sounds like fun!" Derpy said, clapping her hooves together.
"Oh it is, but for now I really want to talk about your book," Jon said, puling out a massive book from under his desk. "Now this, from what I can gather is a cookbook, am I right."
"That is correct!" She said, with a proud look on her face.
"Now...my wife- my wife has a cook book or two and each of them probably mentions muffins once or twice but this," Jon said, lightly tossing the book on the desk with a large audible thud. "This is a cookbook only about muffins. It's enormous, and thick enough to beat sharks to death with. I mean what gives?
"Well Jon," Derpy said, sounding like she could be serious. "I LOVE muffins!" Jon gave her a look as if to say 'no really,' but opted to not say anything as this was the first time she'd said anything regarding her book.
"I love them sooo much that I just want the whole world to feel what I feel," she continued. "I want to bring awareness to all the different kinds of muffins there are in the world."
"No kidding," Jon interjected, turning to a page after page in her book. "I mean look at what we have here: 'Blueberry muffins,' 'hazelnut muffins,' 'apple muffins,' 'chocolate muffins,' 'upside down muffins,' 'super muffins,' 'dark world muffins' ...you even have something called the 'muffin muffins.'"
"Oh that one's my favorite!" Derpy said with a huge smile. "It's a muffin made from other muffins!"
"Now...your book also says, 'How a simple food product can change your life,'" Jon stated, pointing at the cover. "How is this possible? Are the muffins prepared with...some kind of uh special magic that can enrich a person's life...or something like that?" In time Jon would look back at these interviews and revel at how he would mention 'magic' so casually.
"Nope." Derpy said, pausing for a moment. "They just taste really yummy." Jon wanted to comment but suddenly a look of realization found its way onto Derpy's face as she placed both her hooves over her mouth.
"OH I ALMOST FORGOT!" She said. "I have something for you, Jooooon." He could only speculate as to what the young Pegasus was talking about.
"Oh really?" he said. "What is it?" Derpy motioned for Jon to stay where he was as she buried her head completely in her satchel bag, irresponsibly spilling sealed letters on the ground in the process. When she emerged she had a lone muffin clenched in her smiling mouth. She placed the muffin in the table and pushed it closer to him.
"This is for you!" She said, proudly. "It's an extra special muffin for an extra special person!" Jon couldn't help but smile at the kindness of this pony who he had only known for a few minutes. Before Jon could thank her she spoke again.
"Go ahead, try it!" She said, with immense excitement. He took the muffin in his hand and turned to the audience to get their take of what he should do; knowing full well what their answer would be.
"What do you think?" He asked them. "Should I try it?" His question was met by a wave of support in the form of cheering, clapping, and a small chant of "EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT!" Jon eventually took a bite causing the audience, and even Derpy, to clap with elation.
"Not bad," he said, his mouth full as he placed it back down on the table. "I like it!" His compliment caused Derpy to flap her wings furiously with glee.
"Oh I'm so glad to like it!" She said. I was up all night making it juuuuust right!" Jon took a moment to swallow the last bit of muffin in his mouth and wiped his desk of any loose crumbs before continuing.
"So...so why do you like muffins so much," Jon asked, wiping his hands together. "I mean...don't get me wrong I enjoy a good muffin every now and then but it almost seems like you're...obsessed." Derpy didn't say anything at first, she just stared in no particular direction. If she was thinking about what to say next it was completely evident to Jon.
"Weeell I'll tell you why," Derpy said. "But you have to promise to keep it a secret." Jon slowly turned his head to the direction of the cameras and audience who responded him with a slight chuckle. He agreed and she continued.
"Well you see, Jon...you may not notice this but my eyes are kind of crooked." She said with a whisper, unaware of how fruitless it was with the microphone attached to her ear.
"I honestly hadn't notice." He responded with a straight face.
"Well they are," She said. "And when I was a little filly some of the other kids would make fun of me for it..." As she continued Jon could sense a heart felt story on its way. He had no idea.
"...And when they did it would make me very sad and I would sometimes cry," She continued. "But, my mother always always knew how to cheer me up! She would bake a big ol' batch of muffins for me. This always made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!" The audience as well as Jon dared not make a noise as she went on.
"Sadly though, a few years ago she passed away. But whenever I eat a muffin I still feel that same warm and fuzzy feeling as if she's still here with me." She said, not showing a hint of sadness or animosity. Just the same quirky smile she had the rest of the interview. "That's why I made this cookbook! So that people all over the world can feel the same happiness that I do!"
It took Jon a moment to respond, as he wanted to make sure his next words were appropriate.
"Whoa, that was very beautiful." He finally said. "Thank you for sharing. It sounds like she was a very...very loving person." Derpy looked at Jon, her expression changed to that of confusion.
"Who was?" She asked, tilting her head to one side. Jon soon had a look of confusion on his face which neatly mirrored Derpy's.
"Y-your mother." He responded.
"What about my mother." She replied slightly furrowing her brow.
"Oh n-n-no I was just saying, you know based on what you- I was just saying how your mom seemed very..." Jon stumbled to try and make sense of what was going on, but was only met with more confused looks from his guest. "...Derpy have you already forgotten what you just told me.
"Oh...I guess I did," Derpy said, guiltily rubbing the back of her head. "My bad."
Before she could even attempt to recall what happened, and situate herself accordingly, her wandering eyes noticed the muffin that she herself had given Jon on the table. She lunged forward, almost as if she was about to tackle Jon, her eyes big and her wings flapping freely.
"OOOOO A MUFFIN!" She exclaimed, now looking at Jon. "Hey are you gonna finish that!?" Jon threw both his arms in the air, surrendering to Derpy's advances.
"You know what, Derpy?" He said, with a large smile on his face. "You go right ahead." Within an instant, as the audience cheered her on, Derpy flung herself onto the table devouring the muffin withing seconds. Getting crumbs all over her face, mane, and Jon's suit. When she was done she looked up at him, with only one eye actually looking in his direction.
"I love muffins!" She said, with the same smile she had for most of the interview.
"I know you do." Jon said, lovingly patting her on the head.
"Thank you being here today Derpy you were fantastic." Jon said, turning to the audience. "Her new book, 50 shades of muffins, is on the book shel-" Before he could finish his outro Derpy began violently waving her hands back and forth in an overambitious attempt to get his attention.
"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, JON!" She said, now slightly hovering over him.
"Before we go can I make a quick shout out to somepony?!" Jon didn't have the heart to say no. He agreed and Derpy flew slightly higher and looked at one of the cameras (Though due to her eye sight, she was looking slightly off from where it actually was).
"HI DINKY!" She yelled. "LOOK I'M ON TV! MAMA LOVES YOU!"
Jon playfully sighed and stood up from his chair.
"It been great having you on the show, today." Jon said with an honest smile. "Her new book is called 50 shades of muffins, its on the book shelves now. Derpy Hooves, everyone! We'll be right back."
The audience, who as this point were cheering well before Jon's sign off, begun chanting Derpy's name as the camera paned away from Jon trying, and failing, to get the excited Pegasus to come down. Soon afterwards the show transitioned to it's last commercial ending another episode of "The Daily show with Jon Stewart."
