Diplomatic Immunity

by AssaultTurtle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 2027

As the only human in Equestria, Anon has been given the position of an ambassador. Because of it, he was granted an immunity by the Princesses. Literally.

An ancient law of Canterlot states that each species present within the city must have an adequate diplomatic representation. There are no exemptions from it, even as far as interdimensionals aliens are concerned. As such, Anonymous the Human must pick up the mantle of an ambassador for humanity, even if he is the sole specimen. Even if he doesn't want to.

But it's not all bad news for him. After all, with such a responsibility also come some privileges. Personal guard detail, generous private mansion, all expenses covered by the crown. And of course, diplomatic immunity. Only that, thanks to the pony magic, the word immunity is taken much more seriously in Equestria.

Proofread by Havana

Published 2018-07-09 20:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-09 20:10:07 UTC

Just another day in the office

Celestia took another sip from her teacup. The blend was just right, delightfully mixing the strong fruity scent with much more delicate accent. It prepared by a pony who clearly knew her tastes. Which wasn't really a surprise, since said pony was appointed as a maid in this embassy by Celestia herself. One of the benefits of hoof-picking the staff serving the diplomats was that she never had to complain about the quality of food during her visits.

The cup landed with a gentle ring on the plate supporting it as The Royal Princess of the Sun took a small butter biscuit in her magical grasp and started nibbling on it with a graceful reservation. She did not expect to be waiting for so long. While Anonymous was not exactly known for his diligence and time management before, the duty bestowed upon him by the Crown had changed that, much to Celestia's surprise. He was taking his responsibilities somewhat seriously, even if his interpretation of them was rather... unorthodox. To now be late by almost half an hour for a scheduled meeting with her, well, it was unusual.

She managed to take a few more bites before a commotion in the hallway caused her ear to flick. There was some shouting, a distant clatter of armour and the familiar ring of magic. While the large oaken door to the guest room was muffling most of the sound, she was able to tell that a familiar human voice was coming her way. She hastily picked up a napkin and begun removing any rogue crumbs that might have stuck to her muzzle and chest fluff. As soon as she finished folding the piece of linen back where the etiquette demanded it to be, a loud creak sounded the arrival of the missing host. She turned around to greet him, preparing a soft and playful jab at his untimeliness.

However the words failed to leave her ajar mouth, as Anonymous' hair was on fire.

"Princess Celestia!" he exclaimed, visibly winded by what she could only assume was his hasty trot here. "I wholeheartedly apologise for the delay, we were held back at the Grain Market by some... unreasonable agitators. I hope the staff has sought to your comfort during my absence."

Celestia couldn't help but to gawk at the human as he casually closed the distance down with his long strides, unbuttoned his immaculately elegant suit and sat down in the velvet sofa neighbouring hers. Only after a few seconds of silence did she regain her composure, realising that she was asked a question and it was rude to just stare. "Well, I certainly didn't find myself neglected," she responded with the calm voice trained over the millennia of serving public function. "Your ponies did what was in their power to assure my comfort."

"That is a relief," said the human, still not acknowledging the odd purple flames dancing on his head. "I have already put them in an uncomfortable situation with my absence; it would be a shame to see them sent to the moon over my shortcomings."

Celestia acknowledged the joke with a soft, diplomatic titter. "Now, don't be so quick - I think there might be some ponies to undertake that journey yet." She paused long enough for Anonymous to shoot her a quizzical look. " I'm not entirely sure my ponies were so kind towards you in return."

The human's brows furrowed, before he followed the amused princess's look to the top of his head. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "oh crap, that’s still going?" He quickly got up, looking for something to put out the fire with.

Celestia sighed before grasping the unnatural purple blaze with her magic. She felt the flames push against her aura, violently trying to be set free. But she repeated the motions she learned many years ago, bringing the fire under control and snuffing it out. "You have been attacked again?" She questioned with honest disbelief in her voice.

"Thank you, Princess," Anonymous said before sitting down again, "and yes, sadly. This time the bastards used some odd, alchemical concoction. It sprayed over me, catching everything on fire. Even my guards' metal helmets were set ablaze too, but thankfully nobody was really hurt.”

The Princess's regal muzzle contracted in a very un-regal scrunch, just as a maidspony entered the room quietly from a smaller side door. "Crystalfire," she simply stated, watching as the elegant mare jumped a bit before placing a new porcelain teapot in front of the human ambassador. "It's an extremely vile substance, capable of setting fire to a cobble road, or a dragon scale. So dark and twisted, it was rarely used even in war times." She shot the nervously retreating servant a stern glance before continuing. "I outlawed it centuries ago. All stockpiles were destroyed. Somepony was really desperate to cause you harm."

Anonymous exhaled solemnly before pouring himself a cup of the fresh tea. "I'm afraid we both already knew that, princess," he said, raising the drink to his mouth, "I'm a persona non grata and no amount of arguing will change that anytime soon."

Celestia watched the human take a sip as she considered her next question carefully. This was an issue she was almost tired to keep bringing up, especially since every time the answer was the same. Still, it was the reasonable thing to do. She only needed to convince a certain human with a very scrunchy face to see it too, so she cleared her throat before asking "You know what would change it though, don't you?"

She watched the human shake his head vigorously, not entirely sure if it was the taste or her question that caused it. "Damn, that's sour..." he muttered to himself, eyeing his cup suspiciously. "I thought I gave them a piece of my mind on lemons last time." Despite that, he took another sip before addressing the Princess. "I'm sorry, but the answer is still no."

Celestia deflated further, giving a resigned sigh as she continued to absent-mindedly observe her stubborn ambassador's face twist and scrunch, seemingly not dealing with the taste of his tea very well. Finally, he managed to overcome the sensation and elaborate further "It remains an important element of our culture and I simply will not accept threats of violence as an argument against it. I don't see anyone protesting the use of Yakistani silver bits, or Gryphon's denari, making the notion even more outlandish in my view."

"I would be the last to condone any harm done to my ponies or visitors and I will continue to seek out an punish those that do so. But the arguments that prompted them to these misguided actions are still valid. Neither silver bits nor denari are in the same category, as they are a physical form of currency."

"But a form of currency nonetheless," Anonymous shrugged after setting his half-full cup on the platter, "and getting stuck on semantics is not a good way moving forward. Besides, I would argue that headpats, bellyrubs and ear scritches are all rather physical, so I still don't see the argument."

This time it was Celestia who shook her head. Ever since she had to enact the edict legalising the three forms of human currency as a valid exchange for Equestrian bits, her life flipped upside down. The endless letters, audiences, councils and streams of panicked economists trying to sway her mind were enough, but to top it off some ponies had to take the matters into own hooves, trying to remove the only human from Equestria in hope of voiding the new law. Dealing with home-grown assassins was not a nice addition to a brewing economic crisis.

"I believe most of the issues both you and your advisers made clear to me will be taken care of once the Counterfeit Edict is finalised," the human ambassador stated matter-of-factly, "I hardly had any troubles trying to pay in our way. I'd even go as far as to say that most of the shopkeeper mares were happy to see me again, so really the only problem is the rampart grey area of ‘hoofing’ gangs that needs to be de-legalised as soon as possible. Illegal bellyrubs are a serious health hazard and only serve to damage public opinion on the genuine currency. After all, some things can't be replaced," he said, tapping his fingers together in an exaggerated manner.

The Princess wasn't going to disagree here. The whole hysteria was blown out of proportion, and the new human "currency" was very valuable to her, especially the belly rubs. But by now she was so tired that she wouldn't mind just shoving the whole issue under the rug. There are only so many murder attempts one can deal with before going insane. And speaking of which...

"Well, I hope this tea set can be replaced - somepony served you a kettle of a very strong acid." Celestia stated, pointing her regal hoof towards the melting cup next to Anonymous.

"Son of a..." the human muttered, involuntarily pushing himself away from the now sizzling mess. "That would explain the awful taste, then."

"Well, I'm glad I don't have to have a stern word with the cook I assigned you. I haven't sent anypony to the moon in this century yet, but if someone was to deliberately ruin the taste of my guests' tea out of spite, I'd make an exception."

Anonymous chuckled, the simple joke reaching its intended goal of making the atmosphere a little less tense. If the alicorn's experience was anything to go by, stressing over details was the last thing to do after surviving an attempt on one's life. "And this time I even know who the culprit is."

"Do tell," Celestia inquired, nestling herself better in her cushiony sofa.

"She's called Silver Platter, the newest maid to work here. She was the one to bring this serving here.”

"I see," the princess nodded solemnly. "She displayed an unusual enthusiasm when volunteering for ambassadorial duties. It was a bit suspicious, but she passed the background checks, so I approved her.”

"Oh well," the human shrugged, ignoring the quickly blackening bubbling mass that was once his teacup. "No harm, no foul. I'll have her arrested and escorted to the castle, as per usual. Hey Grumpy!" he shouted out the main door.

Celestia adorned her usual regal smile as lieutenant Stalwart Spear, one of her most trusted and experienced officers, hero of two wars and recipient of numerous orders entered the room. "Your highness, my lord." he saluted each of them with utmost respect and stood at attention, awaiting further orders.

"Send a few guards into kitchens and apprehend the new servant, Silver Platter. She tried to poison me, and is to be escorted to the Castle and taken into custody by the garrison."

"And do check the living quarters as well," Celestia chimed in, "she could be trying to escape or hide."

"Of course your grace, my lord. She will not leave this place without all four hooves chained together." The grey-maned stallion shot his armoured hoof to his helmet, and spun in place with grace unbecoming of someone wearing this much steel on him before closing the door and shouting rapid orders.

"Well," Celestia exhaled before lifting one of the remaining biscuits into her magical aura, "it looks like I should send you a new maid."

The human smirked before getting up. "I know those highly trained diplomatic staff ponies can be expensive to replace, but I know how to reimburse you."

"Lord Anonymous, this is a bribery," the alicorn stated sternly, but offered no physical or magical resistance to her ambassador sitting close to her.

"No, I wouldn't call it like that." He said innocently, before reaching to the velvety soft fur behind the Princess's ears. "It's just me trying to repay some of the staff training costs."

Celestia didn't argue further, and simply let the magical fingers take her into the mythical realm full of tingles. Being a ruler was a very demanding job, but sometimes it had its benefits.