Insecurity

Life has continued on as normally as possible for Harmonic and his family. The kids would be in kindergarten soon, leaving him and Atmospheric to their own devices for a few hours every weekday. When the prospect of being alone with his other half came into his mind, an extreme and unrelenting feeling of discomfort settled in. He was always extremely emotionally invested in her as she was with him, and they made gentle lip contact on numerous occasions, but there was something deeply ingrained into him that he never told anyone; he grew up hating and resenting his own sexuality. This active suppression was still deeply connected to his being, and it had no intention of leaving him. To this day, it was still something he was afraid to come clean about. What was he supposed to say? That he hated empty sex? That his idea of a healthy relationship in general was so vastly limited that he was afraid to be close to someone in that way? Then, the thought occurred to him.

"That's the truth, though. So, why am I afraid to say it? Will it hurt her feelings? Will she believe I think we're in an unhealthy relationship? Will she think I'm stupid?"

He reflected on that last part. His own intelligence was something else he'd always thought about. He often struggled with math and had no real education. All of his life was spent learning from some of the ponies he came across and developing street smarts. Maybe he wasn't exactly mentally stunted, but he was by no means a genius. The way he went between personal and analytical thoughts was something else that terrified him because of how erratic it was. The things that had nearly driven him into the ground in his late teens never really left him. They haunted him, day in and day out. Fortunately, for his sake, Atmospheric was very astute. She knew, manes in their eyes or not, when her husband was going to that dark place, and she knew how to bring him back.

"Honey, are you alright?"

Harmonic looked at his wife, who was standing in front of him in their quiet, secluded home. He recognized her tone. It was the same one she used the day of their first kiss during Hearth's Warming before they conceived Melodic Death and Hard Core. That angelic call eased his tired mind. parting his mane and putting it behind his ears, he revealed the two crevices containing the deep, dark blue of the ocean. After five years of marriage, it was time for the truth to come out. He shook his head.

"Not yet."

"What's wrong?"

"It's not a good time to talk now. Can I meet you outside tonight when the kids are asleep?"

Atmospheric removed her mane from her eyes as well. She saw the sad stare she had long ago become accustomed to.

"Alright."

"Hey, Daddy," Melodic Death asked her father.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"Can we go to the arcade, today?"

"I don't know. What do you think, Mommy?"

"Let's go fetch your brother," Atmospheric responded to her young daughter.

"Yay!"

When night encompassed the town and their children were tucked in, Harmonic and Atmospheric went downstairs.

"They had a lot of fun today."

"I almost couldn't keep up with them."

"Me either."

"So what was it you wanted to talk about earlier today?"

Harmonic let out a nervous sigh.

"Can we go out? I need the rain to calm me down."

"Sure."

They exited the door of their house and closed it behind them. Harmonic put his hood up as they did so.

"What's the matter?"

Harmonic sighed again, feeling even more shaky than before.

"Ever since I proposed to you, I've had these feelings that I don't really...Understand."

"What kind of feelings?"

"You know..."

Harmonic slightly tilted his head towards the ground, indicating a certain area of his body.

"Oh! You mean..."

"Yeah."

"You were embarrassed, right?"

"Yeah. I wanted to tell you why I didn't say anything."

"I know why. It's something you were uncomfortable with, right?"

"I never explained why."

Now that Atmospheric thought about it, he was right. She never tried to dig into that reasoning. Truth be told, she was a little embarrassed herself, but to a far lesser extent.

"Why," she asked.

"I grew up hating sexuality in general for no real reason. I was ashamed of it when something like that crossed my mind. It just felt wrong somehow, especially on a personal level."

"It's just a biomechanical instinct. There's nothing particularly harmful about it."

"That's it, though. It's driven by instinct; not by reason. Experiencing something so far out of my control is scary. It always has been."

"I disagree."

"Hm?"

"Remember? We made love the day we got engaged. That was driven by nothing but reason; reason and compassion. Now we have the two greatest things that ever happened to us."

"You're...You're right! How could I have been so dense!?"

Atmospheric kissed her husband and held him close.

"You're not dense. Something instinct and emotion share is they both can overpower reason from time to time. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some kind of anxiety disorder the doctor failed to diagnose."

"You think?"

"I don't know. What I do know is, you've done an amazing job at living in spite of the problems you have."

"I didn't do it alone."

Atmospheric moved her mane again so she could look him in the eyes.

"I'm glad you told me what was going on."

"I feel better just having someone to talk about it with."

"Was there a reason you wanted to tell me now?"

"Not particularly. Why?"

"Are you wanting to make love to me again?"

Harmonic nodded.

"Yeah."

"Then here."

Atmospheric took her husband's hoof and placed it over her zipper hoodie.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"I trust you."

Harmonic began unzipping the hoodie and removed it.

"You're already getting drenched."

Atmospheric smiled at Harmonic's attempt to lighten the situation. In an unexpected move, Harmonic removed his own hoodie and placed it around her. It made her feel safe in her own way; like Harmonic's demons had stopped attacking him for the moment and were focused on protecting her at all costs.

"You're beautiful," Harmonic complimented his wife.

"You're not half bad looking yourself. I'd even say you've gotten more handsome with age."

Harmonic kissed her gently and tenderly while wrapping his forelegs around her. They lied down together on the ground and connected at the waist.

"Am I hurting you?"

"Don't worry. I'll be alright in a minute."

"If it's hurting, I'll stop."

"It's okay. I want this."

"Let me know if you want to stop at any point, okay?"

"I will."

Harmonic gently tracked his hoof down the side of Atmospheric's face.

"I'll take care of you and the kids; no matter what. I promise."

"I know. I love you."

"I love you too."

Their mouths came into contact again. Somehow, it was even more gentle and comforting than before. On that cold, rainy night, the two guardians who swore to protect everything that was precious to them melded into one for the second time.