A generic HiE story

by TheBadWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Adventure, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Spike, Comedy
Length: 4150

In which a human-turned-pony tries to survive in a world that hates him apparently

A brony is sent to equestria as a pony, who is then surprised at how much reality sucks.

Published 2018-07-29 16:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-07 03:00:08 UTC

#1, in which the MC loves his life

I stared at the sandwich in front of me in confusion, I mean, I remember making the sandwich, but I wasn't hungry, just sorta bored after watching TV for a few hours, I just came into the kitchen and made one on autopilot. I put the sandwich in the fridge after a second of deliberation before walking over to the counter and leaning against it. I tried to thing of anything funny or entertaining and my thoughts drifted to my childhood dog, snoopy. 'why don't I have a dog?' I pondered, 'seriously, I have more than enough money, own this house, and love dogs'.

'oh yeah, that's right, I suck at animal care and would probably instantly be labeled as the worlds biggest animal abuser or something stupid like that'.I sighed through my nose before grabbing the remote off the counter and flicking on the TV to peruse the guide (look ma!, I know big boy words!). I blinked. 'Man my thoughts are weird. turning my attention back to the screen I was rewarded with absolutely nothing, well, nothing good anyway, besides an episode of mlp in like two hours, but it was a re-run of an episode I had already watched a thousand times.

I briefly entertain the thought of getting on my PS4, but quickly dismissed that idea as a rather melancholy feeling invaded my body."...mrm" I muttered before sighing and turning around. I walk towards the couch on the other side of the counter, but as I reach it I hear my doorbell give out a ring. I glance back, an annoyed sigh escaping my lips before I realize that my PSvr might have finally arrived. "RE7 here I come!' I excitedly thought as I rushed to the door.

A quick glance through the peephole reveals an empty street, raising my brow in confusion I open my door to find a small box on the covered porch.'YES!' I think with a grin, before pausing, a quick glance both left and right reveal no mail truck or delivery boy. I shrugged and rationalized it away as it having taken longer than I thought getting to the door.

I picked up the package and closed the door before sprinting into the dining room to open it (nearly tripping as I did so). A quick inspection shows that it was indeed bound for my house, and was not the neighbor's mail or something, further cementing the thought that I was going to enjoy my first venture into the realm of VR. However, the return address was less of an address, and more of a declaration of undying love to me. I furrowed my brow at the strange love letter before blinking, and having it inexplicably turn into a crude depiction of an upside-down flamingo (and no, it wasn't just my perspective, there was a background on the doodle).

My eyes widened before I shut my eyes and quickly opening them again, revealing a shockingly accurate drawing of my childhood pet (a hermit crab so creatively dubbed 'Sheldon', not snoopy).I paused for a moment before thinking, 'so, this is not a VR headset but a hallucination, a magic box, a dream, or some unholy combination of the three, well, probably' I thought, before questioning why I just thought of something so ungodly stupid, then some stupid shit about a t-rex or something, like when I usually thought about what I was thinking.

deciding not to dwell on my possible insanity, I hastily snatched a kitchen knife from the kitchen (where else?) before making an incision along the middle of the line of tape keeping the box closed. flipping open the flaps revealing three small vials, each had a paper label depicting a stallion from mlp. One had a horn, one had wings, and one had hoo-nothing.

each vial contained a clear liquid that, judging by how fast the small air bubbles moved when I tilted them, had the consistency of water. looking back at the return address I had to resist the urge to blink as I saw it had changed yet again, it read "what'll it be, bud?". after I read this I gave in to to the temptation to blink, changing it to a pair of scribbled down open eyes with the caption "I win!" below it. deciding to ignore the box that won a staring contest, I instead turned my attention back to the vials which were obviously magical. or a prank. could be either/or considering who this was obviously from

shaking them did nothing, so I decided to entertain whatever magical entity sent me this (*cough*discord*cough*) and popped the top off of the unicorn vial, a quick sniff showed it actually smelled like daisies for some reason. Shrugging, I poured liquid into my mouth, noting it tasted like grape juice, and swallowed. everything suddenly went dark

My eyes snapped open as I bolted upright, only to recoil, expecting the cliche splitting headache in this situation. after a couple seconds of nothing I cracked opened my eyes, 'huh guess it was noth-' BAM! instant migraine. I rolled around for a couple seconds, clutching my head in my...appendages. "Fuck...you...Di-Murphy!" I grunted out, taking note of the unusually long and wide tongue as I did so.

As the S.I.M cooled down (sudden inexplicable migraine), I once again opened my eyes, this time confirming what I already suspected by looking down at my body. I was a hor-pony (wait-no-fuck! that's even worse!). with a wide grin I jumped up and-(cliche!)- suddenly found myself taking on a mouthful of grass. Immediately pushing with my front hooves I returned myself to a state of semi-balance.

Quickly spitting out the dirt and grass in my mouth, I leaned back before raising my right fore-hoof to my forehead. I felt it bump into a solid hunk of magic bone which jerked my head back due to the force, causing my other fore- hoof to move which made me, you guessed it!, fall flat on my face. Luckily no dirt got in my mouth this time. Propping myself up again,I looked around. I was surrounded on three sides by trees and on the fourth side a clearing housing a village that looked suspiciously like ponyville. Glancing back down at my body I took In the finer details, my coat
was a green that darkened on my hooves. My mane and tail were both brown.

turning my head more to see my flank revealed the outline of my new body surrounded by a flash of light, "wait," I said, "is my cutie mark for teleportation?" I decided to test this and tried to use my magic by concentrating on my head. nothing happened. I furrowed my brow before trying to force my horn to do anything. nothing. I gave a sigh before I was hit with an idea. I raised my hoof and lightly tapped my horn, focusing on the resulting sensation I then tried to do something with it. At my command, my horn let off a few sparks.

I grinned before focusing on the ground a few feet away and doing the thing with my horn again. With a flash, crackle, and a pop I was suddenly a few feet away! I smiled at this development and thought about what I left behind...my only living relative was my brother and he was literally the worst, my job was boring,(as jobs generally are) 'yeah' I thought, 'I don't care, life was boring'. I shook my head before returning to the matter at hand (or hoof) and closed my eyes and focused on the spot I was just at without looking. I appeared a few feet in the air before falling on my face.

'gonna have t work on teleporting without visual contact' I thought before shakily sitting up and then trying to stand, turning to ponyville as I stood I took a step-and promptly fell on my face

an hour later and I was still no closer to walking on four legs. 'fuck it' I thought, ' ill just teleport... after learning to levitate thats an essential unicorn skill!'. focusing on some random branch and using my horn resulted in a small flash and the twig appeared in front of me. I frowned and tried again, this time focusing on lifting the stick. I used my horn and it was surrounded by a blue aura and promptly crushed it. I frowned before trying again, this time putting much less power behind it. it slowly floated up and I grinned like a madman. 'Okay!' I thought,'Now that I can pass as a unicorn lets g- wait, no, that would be stupid''

I frowned as I realized even if I was the worlds best sorcerer I could never pass off as a pony if I didn't know how to walk I could never pass as a pony. "uh..." I muttered as I put my front right hoof forward...then back rig-yeah, nope fell again

1/2 an hour later

"okay..." I whispered as I broke into a slow, clumsy waddle."getting better..."

3 hours later

I galloped around the clearing like a pro. as it turns out, without the typical human balance issues once you could trot you were pretty much a pro at this whole 'locomotion' thing. With a smirk and a sigh of relief I finally set my sights on ponyville (again) and prepared to meet the cast.

Author's Note

hopefully this wasn't TOO bad

#2 In opposition of the first

I hummed a little tune as I walked towards the familiar town. 'Okay,' I thought 'what should my name be? Willow wisp?, no, soft soil?, no that's stupid, something to do with teleporting, blink? uh, okay, adjectives...fast, short, ...slimy?,no...just no, light, heavy, y'know what? i'll just be named 'Blink' from now on. Name decided I looked up from the ground to see that I was just on the outer limits of town, I also took note of the lack of castles, meaning Tirek hasn't shown up yet, as I first trotted down the street I noticed something strange: there were no ponies, I really should have noticed this earlier from the lack of noise but I assume that was because either I was lost in thought or there was no noise in the first place so I couldn't notice it change.

'Huh,' I thought, 'maybe Zecora's in town and they haven't realized she was peaceful yet. I paused for a moment to further take in my surroundings. I couldn't see any familiar landmarks although there were a few shops around, like quills and sofa's so that meant that the market is probably nearby. And Zecora is also probably there because I remember she wanted to buy a rose or something. suddenly I got the best idea and quickly teleported myself about 100 feet in the air so I could get an aerial view, and guess what? you retain momentum through teleports, meaning it took all I had to keep teleporting higher and higher so I didn't hit the ground.

And so, there I was, Flying through the air, teleporting to the same spot again and again like in portal, except, unlike in portal, I couldn't change the direction of my momentum, so I was helpless because touching anything would make me go splat. Yup, I was a certified, grade A++ idiot. I screamed for about half an hour, that's not to say I was there for half an hour, I just couldn't scream anymore. after I couldn't scream anymore I just fell there for another half-hour, scared outta my mind, awhile after that the novelty wore off and It wasn't too bad.

After I finally calmed down I decided to just look at the town and saw that the market was literally at the end of the street I was just on. I sighed before looking over to the relatively close mountain that held Canterlot and decided to go there because if I could give off bloodcurdling screams for half an hour without any response, I doubted anyone was here. Maybe they were all at Canterlot for Twilight's coronation, but I doubt she invited everypony, well, actually, that seems like something Pinkie Pie might do, or maybe She's having such a huge party that everypony is there and Twilight used a soundproof spell on the house or something but It wasn't very logical to soundproof a party everypony went to so I think It was just the coronation idea.

With that out of the way, I started teleporting as fast as I could towards canterlot, still infinitely falling, hoping I could get a princess to zap me with some momentum cancellation spell or something

And so began the tale of the eternally falling stallion

Hey, guess what? I forgot I could levitate. "jesus fuck..." I muttered as I still fell through the air, but slowed down by the air I compressed via levitation, after a few minutes of swearing, self hatred, and repeated teleportations combined with creative (not really) use of levitation, I had slowed to the point where I could just fall into a nearby lake and be fine. I shivered as I fell into the ice cold water before swimming as fast as I could for shore. when I reached it I sighed with contentment at the feeling of semisolid sand beneath my hooves.

I stood there for a moment before promptly turning around and dunking my throbbing and very much sore horn in the water, the cold liquid feeling heavenly on the overtaxed appendage. After about thirty seconds I reluctantly got up and looked at the sun overhead. 'Well,' I thought, looks like I have about 6 more ho-the sun chose that moment to slingshot across the sky and under the horizon, the moon following after a pause but much slower, also revealing the image of a mare on it's face.

"huh..." I said, in a state of shock, "guess that means they weren't at the coronation... wait, why the fuck was ponyville empty!" I shouted, causing a couple birds to flutter out of a nearby tree. I sighed heavily unable to comprehend the reasoning behind the mysterious disappearance of an entire village, Starlight's time thing, maybe?, no, I would have been attacked by changelings, or mind slaves, or whatever else, plus, the farm wasn't a factory in this Ponyville, nor was Ponyville in shambles.

What could have happened, I pondered, changeling invasion, no, this is pre-story, I decided to wait Until I could meet somepony and ask them, because this thought process was getting me nowhere. I briefly shivered in the cool night air, the water in my fur causing me to feel like it was the middle of winter, lighting up my (still sore) horn I grabbed every good sized stick I could see and teleported them all a little to the left of me, resulting in a good sized pile of branches for me to work with.

I also gave another quick lookover of my surroundings I looked for anything I could use and created another small pile of long grass, which was easy to weave into a rope using levitation, and used all this to make a tiny tree house in a tree that split down the middle making for an Ideal spot for a hammock and yet again looked around for something to make into a cloth, which ended up being a fuckton of large leaves I sewed together using bits of nearby plant roots.

temporary home secure I quickly set up the hammock after teleporting inside and used a bit more leaf cloth to cover the doorway I settled down in my secure tree hammock and was surprised by how tired I had become without noticing. I drifted off to sleep hating the fact that this shit happens the second I show up...

Author's Note

how bad is this?, Also, tell me if anyone sees any typo's

#3, Painful realizations

Not half an hour later I was awoken violently to the sensation of falling and getting smashed in the side with half a dozen very thick and very sturdy branches, luckily it didn't last very long, unluckily it's replacement was being slammed into the cold, hard ground. I groaned in pain as I lay on the ground, my muscles all screeching in unison as my unexpected flight left half of them cramping. I slowly turned my unwilling neck upwards to the sight of my hastily made tree house with a hole in the floor, and one of the ropes hanging my hammock snapped. "ugh!" I groaned as I realized that I should not have trusted a floor of twigs and a single layer of crudely stitched together leaves to hold me up all night as I slept. I grumbled a few choice words before I managed to struggle up, my muscles seeming to calm and loosen as I turned towards Canterlot and decided to just get it over with and just teleport over there.

I squared my stance, turning my focus onto Canterlot and charged up my horn. As I prepared to teleport however, a heavy branch fell from my shelter and struck me. Screaming in surprise my horn promptly overloaded and I lost focus, the teleport, supercharged and unfocused, sent me somewhere random and far, far away. The first thing I noticed was the forest I was staring at, the noise of the ocean, and the sand under my hooves.

The next thing I noticed, was the pain. The pain was centered on my horn and was immense, as if someone had chiseled a hole in my head and was now shoving a large spike through to widen the fucking thing. I screamed and jerked around, as if having a seizure as endless torrents of pain wracked my head, a pool of warm gas descending upon the sandy ground, being absorbed into it And erupting in a multitude of glowing glass crystals.

Adding to the pain was various bloody gashes caused by a combination of my pained flailing and sharp shards of glass that I had inadvertently created, my blood further contributing to the strange reaction of the gas, and creating pink rounded stones.I passed out from pain at the sixteen second mark, the gas continuing to flow for a short while before tapering off and then completely shutting down.

I woke up an indeterminate amount of time later, A steady and intensely painful throbbing emanating from my horn. "Hhhhssssskkkk" I hissed as I tried to sit up, only for my movements to further agitate my horn. my hooves slowly crept towards it, but I stopped them a couple inches short, hesitating in fear of just making the problem worse. After a moment of indecision I lowered my hooves again and hesitantly cracked open my eyes, my horn allowing me a moment of respite from the pain, and my eyes revealing a gemlit sandy shore, with the area around me blanketed in softly glowing glass crystals and much dimmer pink, rounded gems with the exception of one or two mixtures of the two types, which seemed to glow much brighter than pure glass ones.

I hesitantly stood up and looked towards the water, before approaching it slowly, desperate to get a look at my obviously injured horn. My journey was cut short however, as the frog of my hoof fell victim to the edge of one of the glass crystals, causing me to cry out and fall, littering my hide with more holes and reigniting the inferno in my horn, I grit my teeth and clenched my eyes shut as I rode out the waves of pain wracking my body, slowly relaxing as the fog of agony lifted until it was comparably negligible, and slowly got back up and trotted towards the water once again, this time looking out for the sharp and pointy obstacles.

I reached the water and braced myself, before looking down and into my reflection, my eyes widened as I saw the damage. My horn was now harboring a huge, jagged crack down the middle which I assume was caused by me accidentally overloading it earlier. I sat down and whimpered as I stared at my poor horn. I wrenched my gaze away and focused on the strange crystals, determined to save my self pity for later, and walked up to them, using the edge of my hoof to dig out one of the glowing shards and inspected it best I could. 'Huh' I thought, ' its glowing, and the smalle ones over there have already gone out so maybe this is like a light-bulb and converts magic to light?'. I glanced over to the red ones, then the mixes, 'and the pink is a magic battery!' excited to test my hypothesis, and desperate for a distraction, I slid a pink one over to the glowing one and made them touch.. The result was instantaneous.

the glower immediately started dimming and the pink one vibrated, A strange feeling invaded my body, as if I was being zapped with electricity, my entire body tingling with magic, which also had the rather painful side effect of further injuring my horn! I screeched in agony as more mana clouds blasted through my horn and I punted the little fuckin' rock into the forest, collapsing in pain for the third time that day(?). About five minutes later the pain returned to a not quite as abysmal level and I returned to sleep, hoping things would be better tomorrow as the cloud surrounded me.

I awoke with the sun, The ball of super-heated plasma shining through one eyelid and heating my already hurting horn. I tried to sit up but, finding my body completely immobile, flung open my eye before forcing it back closed, the light burning my retina. Cracking open my eye again I looked as down as I could, discovering that hundreds of glass crystals clung to my body and almost completely restricted my movement. I immediately started to struggle, screaming with half my mouth and straining my muscles, soon 'rewarding' me with a crack caused by both a give in the crystal and me accidentally slamming my horn against the ground, renewing the dull pain and allowing more mist escape and causing the glass to grow and fully encapsulate my right legs and most of my muzzle, leaving only one nostril and the corner of my mouth exposed, simultaneously healing what little progress I made and covering my other eye, myself barely closing it in time.

I laid there for an hour, internally screaming and tilting my one remaining ear every which way in an attempt to hear anything besides the ocean and my thoughts, but nothing happened, and I just continued to lay there throughout the day, completely trapped. I hadn't eaten or drunken anything since before I came here, so I was really dehydrated and miserable. I only knew I was night when the air cooled and the tiny bit of seawater that would occasionally splash my ear became ice cold. I was awake all through the night however, as my fading panic, dehydration, and excess of energy from staying still all day kept me awake. On the second day of being trapped, when I started to become tired, I suddenly heard thunder rumbling far above me. 'YES!!!' I thought in excitement, 'rain!'. I opened the corner of my mouth as wide as possible, just as the first drops started falling.

When the storm really picked up a steady trickle of rainwater was entering my mouth, if I could've smiled, I would have. As my thirst was quenched I stopped feeling like death, though food was still a problem, as I was still slowly starving to death. on the third day, I tried using magic to no avail, although the pain was completely missing, so that was a good sign. I was finally able to levitate some nearby sand on day four and used my newfound power to blindly dig around in the wet sand for some clams, as I remember reading that while horses mostly ate plants, they sometimes ate small animals like mice too. I managed to find them, but couldn't levitate them. On day five I could levitate them, but lacked the force required to open them. Two horrid, starvation riddled days later I managed to kill some and rip tiny chunks of the raw meat off and choke them down via the uncovered corner of my mouth. I really shouldn't have shoved a bunch of random magical bullshit together, that was pretty stupid I must admit.

Author's Note

I'm bad at this, but I still like writing. comment your thoughts or any typos that you see.