Chapters Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘Stand?’
‘Hit.’
‘Oho!’
‘That’s twenty-three, Sister!’
‘Proliferating parasprites!’ Celestia tried to thump her bust hand, and her translucent hoof passed through not only the cards but the ketchup-stained dinner tray from which Tirek had been eating. Luna laughed. Cadence laughed. Tirek laughed – very diabolically.
‘Let it forever be said that Princess Celestia met her end at the hooves of the Dark Lord himself!’ said Tirek, cackling.
‘You won eleven bits,’ said Luna, and her red nose flashed as she grinned. ‘Hardly what I’d call an end.’
‘Any self-respecting detainee would kill for eleven bits! I am a rich man! I – hey!’
One of the DAGs placed its metal snout on Tirek’s tray. Within seconds, it had sucked the empty plates, pudding spoons, teacup and deck of cards through its nose and into storage. Tirek kicked his FoodRock in protest.
‘Gah!’ He hopped up and down on the spot, tripped and fell through Cadence, who tittered. Luna joined in, only this time Celestia wasn’t in the mood.
‘Enough!’ she shouted. Apart from Tirek’s grunts of pain as he rolled around on the floor of his cell, there was silence. Celestia glared at him. She’d been far, far too lenient with that money-grubbing crook. Tartarus was far, far too good for him. Why she had commuted his sentence in the first place she did not know.
‘So,’ she hissed. ‘You think this is funny. Fleecing your monarch, your sovereign – she who ticked yes on the scroll authorising life.’
‘I mean –’ Luna started to snigger ‘– it is a bit funny when you think about –’
‘ENOUGH!’
Luna fell silent. Cadence bit her lip. Tirek gulped, then giggled, struggling to keep a straight face.
‘Right,’ said Celesia, breathing heavily. ‘Right. You want to play hardball? I’ll play hardball – and Cadence will help me.’
Cadence blinked. ‘I will?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Celestia, her voice heavy with intent. ‘Yes, yes, oh, my word, yes. Do you know, I think the time has come.’
‘To do what?’ asked Luna, nonplussed.
‘Open it,’ said Celestia.
‘Open what?’ asked Tirek, his smile vanishing.
Celestia broke into a leer, her eyes fixed on the centaur’s. ‘Open warehouse fifteen.’
Cadence’s face fell faster than a toy aeroplane. ‘You – you can’t be serious?’
‘Deadly serious,’ said Celestia, with deadly seriousness. ‘Our, aha, friend thinks he can play games with me – he thinks he can mock the crown? I’ll soon put a stop to that. Come tonight the Dark Lord himself will beg for mercy, and I being the kindly soul I am will grant his wish. Cadence! Bring twenty bottles!’
‘I’ll send word to the curator,’ muttered Cadence, and she pulled out of T-Kam. Her likeness vanished with a fizzle.
‘Sister, you can’t mean – not the tonic?’ Luna fell to the floor, threw open her mouth and laughed – she laughed so hard she wet herself. Literally. Celestia could see the discharge meddling with her avatar. Luna’s red nose flickered and then vanished, along with her Stetson.
‘Aww, come on!’ cried Luna, and she got to her hooves, nose wrinkled in disgust.
‘You had better not be using my office!’ said Celestia, her temper flaring.
‘No, it’s the system in my workspace. Ugh.’ She shuddered. ‘Better go get cleaned up.’
She, too, pulled out of T-Kam. Celestia was left alone with the inmate about to undergo the worst experience he would ever have in his now short and miserable life. She smirked.
‘Hold him here until we return,’ she told the DAGs. ‘No walks, no social calls. Solitary confinement.’
‘Hey!’ said Tirek angrily. ‘What gives? That’s just not f—!’
Celestia pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘At last!’ said Tirek once the DAGs had released him. He rubbed his wrists, wincing. ‘What took you so long? What do you want from me?’
‘The pleasure of watching you die a slow, painful death,’ said Celestia as she plunged into T-Kam. She frowned at her gown, which was flickering.
‘Projector not working, is it?’ asked Tirek. Celestia did not respond. Cadence and Luna appeared abruptly.
‘It’s done,’ said Cadence. ‘I’ve sent the bottles into storage.’
‘What bottles?’ snapped Tirek. ‘What is this? What are you planning to do to me?’
Cadence glanced awkwardly at Celestia. ‘Are you – are you sure you want to go through with this?’
‘In the old days,’ began Celestia, ‘when King Sombra held power in the north, he would torture ponies into madness – there was no reason for it, no justification beyond enjoyment. It was his idea of fun.
‘Nevertheless, on occasion Sombra came across a pony suspected of possessing important information. For such cases he reserved something special. There is a long-forgotten beverage, a remnant of a bygone era, one so horribly overwhelming that its creator spontaneously drowned herself in a barrel of the stuff. Know what it’s called?’
Tirek gulped and said, ‘Dishwasher suds?’
‘Granny Fanny’s Cold-Fire Brewed Filly-Delphian Tonic Water,’ said Celestia.
Tirek raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘Seriously?’ Luna fell to the floor again.
‘Aha!’ she cackled. ‘Aha ha! Aha haha! Tonic water! Torture via tonic water! The idea!’
‘Granny Fanny’s tonic,’ continued Celestia as though there had been no interruption, ‘is, without a doubt, lethal. When Cadence reclaimed her throne, she locked up Sombra’s supply for good. But you will drink it, Tirek. One tankard a day, every day. Think of this as an experiment – your contribution to Equestrian science. We shall ascertain the truth about this substance – exactly what it does and how effectively it kills.’
‘Tonic water!’ cried Luna, still laughing herself hoarse. ‘Sister, stop it! It’s just too much!’
Celestia swelled. ‘You doubt its power, Luna? How ignorant! You were not there when Cadence and I witnessed first-hand its destructive capabilities!’
Cadence nodded sincerely. ‘It was something all right.’
Tirek was biting his talons, but Luna looked unconvinced. She picked herself up, hiccoughing.
‘You’re losing it,’ she said. ‘Don’t look so worried! It’s tonic water! Tonic water. What’s the worst that could happen?’
‘I intend to find out,’ said Celestia, grinning nastily. ‘DAGs! Bring up a bottle!’
The DAG nearest Tirek placed its snout on his FoodRock and blew one out of storage, along with a worn wooden tankard.
‘Pour,’ commanded Celestia. The DAG obeyed. The sparkling yellow liquid trickled into the vessel. Tirek sank to his knees.
‘Please,’ he whispered. ‘I beg you.’
‘You see?’ Celestia smirked. ‘I told you he would.’
‘Drink it,’ said Luna at once. Cadence goggled at her, and so did Tirek.
‘Drink it?’ he repeated.
‘Come on.’ Luna rolled her eyes. ‘We all know my sister’s bluffing.’
No one spoke.
‘No?’ Luna sighed. ‘All right, then. Give it here. Put it back into storage. Send it up to my system.’
‘Are you mad?’ asked Cadence.
‘Not at all,’ said Luna briskly. ‘Merely calling the –’
Tirek downed the tankard in one and smacked his lips. Celestia held her breath. Cadence held her breath. Luna frowned. Tirek belched.
‘My word,’ he breathed. ‘It’s – it’s –’
‘Poison?’ suggested Cadence.
‘Painful?’ said Celestia.
‘Nutty?’ added Luna.
‘It’s – delicious!’ Tirek raised the tankard high. ‘Ladies! Ladies, I thank you! This tonic tastes sublime!’
Celestia rubbed her temples. ‘He likes the tonic water.’
‘Told you!’ said Luna. ‘Told you it was safe!’
‘Safe? Safe? You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Celestia glared at her sister. ‘This is not over. Tirek, tomorrow you drink another tankard!’
‘He can drink as many as you want him to,’ said Luna. ‘The stuff is harmless!’
‘How can you be so sure?’ asked Cadence.
‘Because it is,’ said Luna. ‘It just is.’
‘Prove it,’ hissed Celestia.
‘All right, then, I will.’ Luna licked her lips. ‘What say we have a little flutter, Sister mine? A bet. No matter how long you force him to drink that tonic, he won’t die because of it.’
‘The stakes?’ asked Celestia.
Luna shrugged. ‘You decide.’
‘How about this? If after one year of drinking tonic Tirek is still alive, I will sign rule of the kingdom over to you.’
Cadence’s jaw dropped, and so did Tirek’s. Luna clenched hers. ‘You’re that confident, huh?’
‘Supremely confident, Luna, as always.’
‘And if I lose?’
‘Simple.’ Celestia smiled. ‘You will spend the next year writing a biography of the pony who invented rubber bands.’
Tirek, who had been watching the exchange with interest, spluttered with laughter.
‘What can I say?’ Celestia shrugged. ‘I’m curious. And when I win, I shall finally be able to read that book – even if it is clumsily drafted by my own sister.’
‘Deal?’ said Luna, holding out a hoof.
‘Deal,’ said Celestia, holding out hers. They passed through each other. Tirek looked at each princess in turn, then burst out laughing.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia was surprised and slightly perturbed to find Tirek alive and well next evening. Needless to say, there was a lot riding on this gamble. Of course, she was wholly confident that the centaur would succumb to the toxic tonic in the end and she’d be reading Luna’s book. Nevertheless, the sooner he died the better.
‘I really am looking forward to that,’ she had said aloud perhaps three times that day.
‘So,’ said Celestia once she’d plunged into T-Kam. ‘Enjoying your stay in solitary?’
Tirek looked her up and down. ‘You’re early.’
‘Eager to see how things are. Not dying, are you?’
‘Sorry to disappoint,’ said Tirek sullenly.
Luna’s likeness fizzled into being.
‘So!’ she said. ‘He’s still alive! Day one to Luna!’
Cadence’s likeness appeared with a pop. ‘It’s much too early to celebrate, don’t you think?’
Luna waved a hoof dismissively through the air. Tirek laughed – very, very diabolically.
‘That’s enough of that!’ said Celestia, and she cleared her throat. ‘Bring up another bottle!’
The DAGs obeyed, and soon they had filled Tirek’s tankard to the brim. Unfortunately, Tirek was mildly distracted by Luna’s flashing nose, which was twice the size of yesterday’s.
‘Will you stop playing with your avatar, girl?’ said Celestia as Luna sprouted an afro.
‘You’re no fun at all,’ said Luna, but her afro didn’t disappear. Rolling her eyes, Celestia gave the command.
‘Drink!’
‘Gladly.’ Tirek raised his tankard, toasted and downed it in one.
‘You make it look so easy,’ said Cadence.
‘It is easy,’ replied Tirek, smacking his lips. ‘Delicious! I thank you again for making my night. Then again, you did ruin my morning. No walks? No visitors? Solitary confinement indeed . . .’
‘A necessary evil,’ said Celestia. ‘You are now a subject of scientific activity. We must have total control of your environment.’
‘But it’s so lonely!’ complained Tirek. ‘You’re kerbing my rights! You – you have no right!’
‘If you aren’t enjoying yourself, good!’ said Celestia firmly. ‘That is the idea of prison, believe it or not.’
‘Oh!’ Cadence was frowning. ‘I’m being messaged!’
‘What?’ said Luna. ‘By who?’
‘By whom , Luna!’ said Celestia. ‘By whom!’
‘Shut up, Sister.’
‘It’s Shining Armor!’ Cadence bit her lip. ‘Oh dear.’
‘What is it?’ asked Tirek excitedly.
‘Bit of trouble on the western border,’ muttered Cadence. ‘Some bozo feeling let down. Sorry, people, I’ve got to go. Affairs of state and all that.’
She pulled out of T-Kam, and Luna waved her off. ‘What do you think she’ll do?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Celestia. ‘So long as the dissidents are dealt with, I don’t really care.’
‘So that’s how you govern your kingdom, is it?’ Tirek was shaking his fist. ‘With an iron one! Well, I hope I survive and Luna takes control! She’d do a better job with both eyes closed!’
Luna beamed. ‘Hey, thanks, man!’
‘Enough!’ said Celestia. ‘That’s enough. Tirek, you’ve had your drink. We’ll see you tomorrow. Pray you’ve died by then. It will spare you immeasurable pain and suffering.’
Tirek winked. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, then, Your Highness.’
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘Early again, Your Highness?’ Tirek plucked a loose hair from his eyebrow and flicked it off his finger. Celestia sighed and rubbed her snout, sniffing.
‘I think I’m coming down with something,’ she said.
Tirek sniggered. ‘Karma’s a bitch.’
‘Tirek! I am a princess of Equestria, and you will not command such language in my presence!’
Luna’s likeness crackled into view. ‘Moonflank’s joining the party, people!’ Her mane slicked itself back. ‘How’s that for a haircut?’
‘Hideous,’ said Celestia. ‘Absolutely hideous.’
‘No Cadence today?’ asked Tirek.
‘She’s still busy with the’ – Celestia yawned deeply – ‘with the – thing . . .’
‘Oh yeah,’ said Tirek dryly. ‘That.’
‘The work of a princess is never done,’ said Luna. ‘Heck, you should see what’s on the agenda tonight! Killer Kitty’s premiering at the Regal! As if I didn’t protest their midnight showing. Blasted kiddies’ll be having nightmares – they should never have made a sequel –’
‘All right!’ Celestia massaged her eye sockets. ‘Let’s just get on with this. DAGs – you know the drill.’
‘You know,’ said Tirek after his drink was poured, ‘besides the solitude, this really is great. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. Care and attention, free drinks – and no Monopoly for days.’
‘I’ll have you playing Monopoly in a second!’ snapped Celestia. ‘Now get on with it!’
Tirek parted his lips, only a loud crackle sent him reeling. Cadence dusted herself down.
‘What a night!’ she said. ‘I only just got away! We nearly had a PR disaster, but I managed to smooth the whole thing over.’
‘What happened?’ asked Luna.
‘We caught the dissidents. Shining Armour was all for leaving them be – said there wasn’t enough to go on, but I set things straight. How’s this for politics? Publicly acknowledged the validity of their grievances, then had them privately flogged!’
‘I taught you well,’ said Celestia, suppressing a sneeze. ‘Now let’s hurry this –’
‘Do you think,’ said Luna, ‘that you are tough?’
‘What are you babbling about, girl?’
‘Well, do you, Sister?’
‘Do I what, Luna?’
‘Think you are.’
Celestia groaned and turned to Tirek. ‘Just drink the damned thing already.’
‘I feel fine, before you ask,’ said Tirek. ‘This isn’t going well, is it?’
‘Days two and three to Luna!’ said Luna.
‘Just drink it!’
Tirek downed his tankard and smacked his lips. ‘Delightful!’
‘Right,’ said Celestia. ‘Now let’s get out of here. I don’t feel too well.’
‘You’re working too hard, Sister!’ Luna tried to pat her on the back. ‘You need rest. Tell you what. I’ll order you a massage, get them to deliver to your door. Do you prefer pecs or abs? Or both?’
‘No pecs! No abs! No massage!’
‘Don’t go frigid on me!’ said Luna, and Tirek laughed – very, very, very diabolically.
‘She just needs to meet the right pony,’ said Cadence kindly. ‘Then I’m sure our Tia would shake a leg, as it were.’
Celestia’s head drooped.
‘Oh, I think she’s actually passing out.’ Luna whistled loudly, and Celestia gave a jerk.
‘I’m fine!’ she snapped. ‘Goodbye!’
She pulled out of T-Kam.
‘Well, that’s that, then,’ said Luna. ‘Keep living, Tirek! I can almost feel that crown . . .’
‘You’ve still got three hundred and sixty-two days to go,’ Cadence reminded her. ‘No offence,’ she said to Tirek, ‘but you may well die. I know Luna thinks it’s a joke, but that stuff is harmful.’
Tirek tilted his head. ‘Truly?’
‘Truly.’
Cadence and Luna pulled out of T-Kam, and Tirek was left alone.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia watched Tirek pace in his cell through her monitor. She watched him shout something at one of the motionless DAGs, then proceed to clunk it over the head with his foreleg. Sighing, she plunged into T-Kam. Her likeness caused the latter to jump.
‘Can’t you give me fair warning?’ he moaned. ‘My life is bad enough without you scaring me all the time!’
Celestia snorted. ‘Weren’t you singing its praises only yesterday?’
‘Yes,’ said Tirek, ‘but I’ve suffered a change of heart since. It’s so boring in here! Nothing to do! Nothing! And my only accessories are oppressive black stone and this!’
He kicked his FoodRock. Celestia pointed to his tankard. ‘And that.’
‘Yes, but that hardly counts when its only use is to hold my poison, my feelings about which have also changed.’
Celestia quickly livened up. ‘So you are feeling a difference! What is it? Pain in your stomach? Your kidneys? There aren’t any obvious physiological signs . . . perhaps I should monitor you more carefully. I wonder whether we’ve a scientist on hoof –’
‘Who needs one of those?’ Luna had rematerialized. ‘You’ve got me! And I say it again – that tonic is phoney.’
‘And I say,’ said Celestia, ‘that we shall see.’
Cadence brought up the rear. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Marginally better,’ said Celestia, sniffing doughtily. ‘It will take more than a cold to knock me off balance.’
‘Yeah,’ said Luna. ‘The flu, and here’s hoping. A joke, Sister, that was a joke!’
‘Well,’ said Tirek loudly. ‘Any news? And please don’t disappear once I’ve drunk your medicine. I’m bored stiff. I really, really need something to do – somepony to talk to.’
‘I’ve got news,’ said Luna at once. ‘Killer Kitty’s made a lasting impression! That damned flick induced a nightmare epidemic! Overtime central up in Luna’s office, let me tell you!’
‘I’ve had it busy too,’ said Cadence. ‘Turns out our dissidents from yesterday are made of stronger stuff than I gave them credit for – and their flogging didn’t sit too well with the citizenry, it seems.’
‘I can’t say I’m surprised,’ said Tirek. ‘As the old proverb goes, if you whack the hoof that serves you, best prepare for a rough time.’
‘As far as old proverbs go,’ said Celestia, ‘that one was pretty awful – so much so that I daresay you made it up.’
‘Well. That’s me rumbled, isn’t it?’ Tirek grinned as Celestia closed her eyes and puffed out her cheeks.
‘You know,’ said Cadence gently, ‘you really do look as though you could use a massage – nothing sexual! Nothing at all like that! Just – you know, a nice, relaxing spa treatment. It’ll work wonders, I promise.’
Celestia shook her head. ‘I simply haven’t the time for such things, Cadence. And while we’re on the subject of time-wasting – get on with it, you!’
She glared at Tirek, who groaned. The DAGs filled his tankard.
‘Day four,’ said Tirek, ‘drink four. It’s like a video diary – you know, the ones you see in blockbusters. Wheeler the war hero and all that. “Day nine hundred and fourteen. Aliens raided our camp.” You know!’
No one laughed. Tirek looked slightly put out as the DAGs handed him his daily tonic.
‘Cheers,’ he said, and he downed it.
‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ asked Celestia.
‘Oh. Yeah.’ He smacked his lips.
‘Right, people, that’s a wrap.’
Luna and Cadence pulled out of T-Kam. Celestia deliberated.
‘I’ll try to rustle you up something to do,’ she said eventually. ‘Something useful, though. I won’t have you playing cards all day with the others again.’
‘Yes! Anything! Please!’ Tirek fell to his knees. Celestia sighed again and pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia wiped her snout on a softer hankie before plunging into T-Kam. Her cold had worsened, but at least it could be only up from here. She materialised. Tirek took a step forward, watching her closely.
‘Well?’ he asked.
Celestia ignored him. ‘How was the day?’
‘Dismal, of course. What have you brought me?’
Celestia adjusted her neck and said, ‘Does it look as though I’m carrying anything?’
‘Then what the heck’s going to keep me occupied over the coming weeks?’
‘Manual labour,’ said Celestia without hesitation. ‘You’re going to be doing some polishing – some DAG polishing. They’re getting rusty in places. I want you to fix that.’
‘What?’ Tirek glowered at the DAGs in his cell, who remained silent. ‘For real? Help out my metal-hearted jailers? I don’t think so!’
‘Bring up a cloth,’ sighed Celestia, and seconds later a DAG had expelled one from storage. It flew high into the air and landed on Tirek’s face, who stumbled and cursed.
‘And some product.’
Tirek just about managed to catch the tin.
‘Now,’ said Celestia wearily. ‘Get busy.’
‘Chores build character!’ said Luna once she’d plunged into T-Kam and noticed Tirek was scrubbing. ‘It’s all part of your rehabilitation package. And if you’re lucky, you might get let out early for good behaviour!’
‘That won’t ever happen,’ said Celestia, and Tirek groaned. Cadence’s likeness wrestled itself into being.
‘Tirek’s working?’ said the latter, her brow raised.
Celestia nodded. ‘He asked for something to do, and I gave him something. I did say it would be something useful.’
‘You’re a cruel woman,’ grunted Tirek as he plastered his DAG with polish.
‘Don’t waste that!’ said Celestia. ‘It’s expensive!’
‘OK, OK!’
Celestia waved at another of the DAGs, and it hurled up a bottle of tonic. Tirek watched it pour, then place his tankard on his FoodRock.
‘Drink,’ said Celestia, and when Tirek did not respond, she screamed, ‘Drink!’
There was a pause. Cadence raised her hooves. ‘Uh . . . don’t you think you’re being – well, a bit harsh?’
‘Harsh? Harsh?’ Celestia stared disbelievingly at her. ‘He’s our prisoner! He’s our enemy!’
‘Bright ray of sunshine, you are,’ said Luna. ‘Wrong side of the bed today, it seems. Ignore her, Tirek, she’s just stressed. We love you, really.’
Tirek grinned, and Luna laughed.
‘Don’t look so pleased,’ she said, yet she winked.
‘All right.’ Celestia closed her eyes and dragged a hoof down her face. ‘All right. Drink it, Tirek. Please.’
‘Please always helps.’ Still grinning, he downed his tankard and smacked his lips.
‘Still nothing,’ remarked Luna happily. ‘Five days in, and he’s fit as a fiddle! Keep up the good work, and you’ll soon see yours truly in the big chair! Well, when I say soon . . .’
Celestia opened her mouth, then decided it wasn’t worth the bother.
‘We’ve a long way to go,’ she said. ‘Right, let’s move. Tirek? I want those DAGs sparkling . . . please.’
Tirek bowed mockingly. ‘What lovely manners – I do admire a princess who says please.’
‘Oh, I’ve had enough,’ said Celestia, and she pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘No!’ Celestia gawped. ‘No way!’
Before her stood all twenty DAGs assigned to Tirek’s cell – and each one was squeaky clean. The centaur of the hour puffed out his chest and smirked. ‘Did I not say I would do the job?’
‘You didn’t, actually,’ said Luna, but she sounded impressed withal. In fact, she broke into polite applause, a smile spreading across her face.
‘H-how on earth –?’ Celestia shook her head, mouthing soundlessly, like a goldfish outside its bowl. ‘No – it simply isn’t possible. You don’t have the perseverance – or the muscle.’
‘Hey, now!’ said Tirek, firing up. ‘That’s uncalled for!’
‘But – but you’re a frail old fogey!’
‘How insolent! Instead of displaying some gratitude, you’re taking shots at my body! Absolutely typical!’ He snapped his fingers and turned his back.
‘Tirek, what we meant to say,’ said Cadence, ‘was well done. And thank you.’
Tirek spun around, smiling. ‘Why, thank you, Cadence, for your winning manners. If only some ponies were as polite as you.’
Celestia snorted derisively. Luna laughed.
‘Now,’ said Tirek once the latter had finished. ‘This is a long shot – but wouldn’t you say my actions merit some kind of reward? I mean, it’s only fair, right? I did as you asked – and I’m being mistreated, used and abused in the name of science. What’s the moral decision here, Your Highness?’
He grinned broadly at Celestia’s growing frown.
‘Hah!’ said Luna, grinning even more broadly. ‘He’s got you there, Sister! So, you’ll do the proper thing, right, and give the man his bone. I would!’
‘That’s because you’re a fair and just leader, for which I respect you.’ Tirek bowed low, and Luna tittered. Cadence gave a reluctant smile, which quickly vanished when Celestia scowled.
‘Very well. Say I agree to grant you one wish. What would it be?’
Tirek deliberated, as though he’d given the matter no thought. Celestia wasn’t convinced.
‘Out with it,’ she snapped. ‘What do you want?’
‘My cards back,’ said Tirek. ‘And my winnings. And also, the right to gamble in peace, with other inmates.’
‘Impossible,’ said Celestia. ‘You are in solitary, and here you will stay. That’s final.’
‘What if we cut a deal?’ suggested Tirek.
‘What sort of deal?’
‘I was thinking . . . a wager, perhaps.’ He paused, waiting for somepony to speak. ‘We’ll draw up a tournament. It’s long been discussed between the inmates and me. Blackjack. Three rounds to each match. Quick, yet – highly profitable.’
Celestia was chuckling. ‘A wager? You’re unbelievable. All right. Say I play along. What’s in it for me?’
‘If I don’t win, if I lose once, if I finish anywhere lower than first –’ Tirek gazed at her intently ‘– I lose. And if I lose, I clean every DAG in bottom block. Yes. Every DAG.’
Celestia’s eyes narrowed. ‘And if you win?’
‘Oh, if I win . . . well, I won’t ask for anything more than what’s fair.’ He smiled. ‘If I win, I keep all the winnings. All of them, and you must also hook me up with a catalogue or two. I’ll be going shopping!’
‘Only if you win!’ said Celestia, and she grinned wickedly. ‘All right, you’ve convinced me. I’m in. But in my own time.’
Tirek bowed. ‘Whatever you say.’
Luna fell to the floor – again. ‘Haha! Aha haha! You’re betting again! And you’re going to lose – again !’
‘What do you mean again?’ snarled Celestia. ‘I haven’t lost anything yet!’
‘Can I play?’ asked Cadence abruptly. ‘I’ve always wanted to try my hoof at cards.’
‘Of course!’ simpered Tirek. ‘I’m sure we can –’
‘I’m in charge here,’ said Celestia. She smiled. ‘Of course you can, Cadence.’
‘I’m in too!’ said Luna eagerly. ‘Heck, I was a blackjack champion in my –’
‘No, you weren’t,’ said Celestia, ‘but yes, you can play. And so will I.’ She smirked. ‘I want to beat you myself.’
Tirek laughed – very, very, very, very diabolically. (‘Sheesh!’ said Luna.)
‘Where’s my drink?’ he demanded. The now-spotless DAGs obliged. Tirek toasted and downed his tonic for the sixth time. He smacked his lips, his eyes ablaze. ‘I can’t wait!’
‘I’ll organise everything,’ said Celestia. ‘In the meantime, get used to sitting around.’
Tirek’s smile vanished. ‘Oh no. The boredom. The boredom!’
‘You get used to it,’ said Luna knowingly.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘Oh, my beauties!’ Tirek cradled his cards as if they were a new-born baby. Cadence and Luna laughed. Celestia clenched her jaw.
‘Don’t get too attached,’ she said. ‘Any cheating, and they’re mine. Understand?’
Tirek stuck out his bottom lip. ‘Cheating? I never cheat! I’m shocked that you would suggest such a thing! I’m wounded, in fact. Wounded!’
‘If only!’ said Celestia. She worked her mouth sourly.
Luna grinned. ‘Still no signs. This is going very, very well. I’m counting down the days, Sister! And also, I’ve been thinking – would a diamond be too pretentious? A crown has to look good after all.’
‘I could have sworn Sombra’s subjects responded more violently to the stuff,’ said Cadence matter-of-factly. She turned to Celestia, shrugging. ‘Perhaps we misremembered?’
‘Nonsense,’ said Celestia dismissively, and she looked Tirek up and down, searching for symptoms of poisoning. ‘He will die. Yes, it may take a little longer than we expected, but I assure you the tonic will do its job in the end.’
Tirek, seemingly uninterested, shuffled his deck.
‘So,’ he said. ‘Anypony for a game of blackjack?’
Cadence agreed immediately and summoned a DAG to hold her cards. Tirek dealt.
‘We’ll play tournament rules,’ he said. ‘Best of three. Winner takes all.’
‘Do you – do you want to bet?’ Cadence sounded a mite flustered.
Tirek grinned. ‘No, no, don’t worry – we play merely for honour. You know the rules, I take it?’
Cadence nodded. ‘Yes, I think so.’
Luna stepped forwards eagerly. ‘Come on, Cadence! Let’s see what you’ve got.’
Celestia glanced at Cadence’s hand, held between the DAG’s metal claws. King and six. Sixteen.
‘What should I do?’ asked Cadence.
‘Hit, of course,’ said Luna at once. ‘Sixteen’s rubbish. You won’t beat him with that!’
‘Thank you for telling me,’ said Tirek, smiling. ‘Very kind.’
‘Stand,’ said Celestia. ‘And if he wins, he’s cheating.’
‘What?’ said Tirek, sounding outraged. ‘How?’
Celestia pointed at his cards. ‘Let’s see, then.’
Tirek showed his hand. Ace and queen. Twenty-one. Celestia made a noise.
‘You see?’ she said. ‘Cheating.’
‘Because winning automatically means I’m cheating.’ Tirek reshuffled, then dealt again. ‘Round two. Let’s go.’
Cadence’s DAG held four and seven. Eleven.
‘Hit!’ said Cadence, and her DAG picked up another card. Nine.
‘Stand,’ said Cadence.
‘Stand,’ said Tirek. ‘I’ve got eighteen.’
‘Twenty!’ said Cadence triumphantly. Luna whooped.
‘Last round,’ said Tirek. ‘It comes down to this.’
‘Nineteen!’ said Cadence moments later.
Tirek smirked. ‘Twenty. I win.’
‘Either he’s cheating,’ said Celestia, ‘or he’s just lucky. But luck never beats the odds for long.’ She leered. ‘You’re going to lose our bet, Tirek. I hope you’re prepared. Your formidable talent for polishing is going to keep you occupied for a very long time.’
Tirek shrugged. ‘I’m prepared to take the risk. I wonder what I’ll purchase first . . .’
‘Enough!’ Celestia cut him short. ‘It’s tonic time!’
The DAG filled his tankard in seconds. Tirek cracked his knuckles.
‘You’re really getting the hang of this,’ said Cadence admiringly. ‘Quite frankly, I’m amazed you can still force yourself to drink it.’
Luna cackled herself hoarse. Celestia frowned. ‘Come on, come on! Hurry up!’
Chuckling, Tirek downed his tankard of tonic and, as always, smacked his lips.
‘I’ll see you soon!’ he called as Celestia made ready to pull out of T-Kam. She felt her eye twitch.
‘Yes, I suppose you will.’
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia sneezed, then made a sound and held a hoof against her snout while stuffing the other into a box of tissues. Tirek watched her likeness sneeze again, and Celestia was certain she glimpsed a smile.
‘Still sick, I see,’ said Tirek. ‘Colds these days. They never leave.’
‘I thought it had passed!’
‘Thought wrong, then, didn’t you?’ said Luna, grinning. ‘And I can’t say I’m all that bothered. You get petulant when under the weather these days, and it’s pretty fun to watch you sweat. I’m joking, Sister!’ she added as Celestia opened her mouth to protest. ‘Only joking!’
Cadence, at least, had the decency to look sympathetic. ‘We should be there with you. There’s nothing worse than being by yourself when you’re ill.’
Celestia smiled weakly. ‘I appreciate the gesture.’ Her smile quickly faltered, however, for there was no mistaking Tirek’s toothy grin.
‘What?’ she snapped.
‘Oh, nothing. I merely find it ironic that you should fall so blatantly ill at such a time. Karmic, in fact. It’s comeuppance for your mistreatment of yours truly.’
Luna laughed, then hastily added, ‘Sorry, Sister, sorry.’ She composed herself. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you and everything – but wouldn’t it be funny if there was just a grain of truth to that?’
Celestia harrumphed. Luna laughed once more.
‘You think it’s funny, Luna,’ said Celestia, ‘but really, it isn’t. I hurt all over – wings, hooves, flank. I’m in a lot of pain, with lots to do. Saddle Arabian delegates first thing tomorrow morning, for example. And when I’m not bandying words with them, I’ve PR responsibilities to think about – some sort of sporting event in which I’m expected to participate mildly, and that’s just around the corner. And I can’t – not like this, anyway. But I must.’ She paused, sighing. ‘See? Not funny at all.’
‘Actually,’ said Tirek, ‘it’s –’
‘Shut it!’ hissed Celestia, and Tirek fell silent. ‘Now, I think it’s high time you had your tonic. Then we can leave.’
As the foremost DAG poured Tirek’s tonic, Cadence turned to Celestia.
‘You can’t possibly expect yourself to take all of that on!’ she exclaimed, her eyes wide with concern. ‘Look at the state you’re in! You’ll only damage yourself, Tia, and I won’t have that. Don’t you worry,’ she continued as Celestia tried to interrupt. ‘I’ll fly in first thing and sort everything out. I daresay the Saddle Arabians can spend their morning arguing just as unsuccessfully with me as they would with anypony else.’
‘Thank you, Cadence,’ said Celestia, yielding rather gladly. ‘You’re very kind.’
Cadence beamed. Tirek pulled a face.
‘Did someone crack the sweet tap?’ he asked. ‘Since when did you lot get so sappy?’
He drained his tankard, belched, then smacked his lips. Celestia looked him up and down, then sighed with disappointment. Luna grinned.
‘Eight days, no change!’ she said. ‘In fact, the only pony who’s displaying any sort of symptoms is you, Sister mine!’ She giggled. ‘Perhaps it is karma!’
Celestia rubbed her eyes and muttered, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘Bed,’ said Cadence firmly, clapping her hooves together. ‘Come on, Tia, up we go.’
‘Yes, yes. I’m on it.’
‘Ladies,’ said Tirek, nodding.
‘Tirek,’ they said in unison before pulling out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Cadence bit her tongue as she watched Celestia’s chest rise gently and then fall. She turned away, then doubled back, tucked her in and walked over to the latter’s UCCTV system.
‘Well,’ said Tirek once she’d plunged into T-Kam. ‘If it isn’t Cadence the kind. How’s our dearest?’
‘She isn’t coming tonight,’ said Cadence solemnly to Luna, who looked taken aback. ‘She’s still feeling unwell – it’s getting worse, whatever it is.’ She puffed out her cheeks. Luna bit her hooves.
‘This isn’t like her,’ said the latter quietly. ‘She’s never sick like this. Something must have happened. I wonder what.’
To Cadence’s surprise, Tirek sniffed. In fact, she could see wet in his eyes – cold, dead eyes that had no reason to carry tears.
‘What?’ said Cadence, bemused.
‘What?’ Tirek snapped back. ‘Can’t I be upset that my favourite source of entertainment is currently unavailable? It just . . . isn’t right!’
Luna nodded without saying another word, which surprised Cadence. Luna was normally so spritely and sassy. It wasn’t like her to muse – unless things were serious. And they may well have been, for Cadence had spent the day at Canterlot castle, helping the big boss in whatever way she could – there she’d been exposed to just how bad Celestia’s condition was. And it – well, it was bad.
The three of them stood in silence. The DAGs, of course, were equally silent. For the first time, Cadence noticed a faint humming emitted by Tatarus’ black stone. Her ears twitched.
Without Celestia to conduct proceedings, Cadence felt a kind of emptiness the likes of which she’d never experienced before. It didn’t feel good. She didn’t feel good, and judging by the current atmosphere, neither did the others. Tirek glumly flicked a coin, then reshuffled his deck. Luna was staring into space, shifting subconsciously on the spot.
‘This is weird,’ said Tirek at last. Luna nodded again, and so did Cadence.
‘I really hope she gets better soon,’ said Cadence, ‘not only for our sake but that of Equestria. I just can’t handle these meetings of hers. I proved that much today, with the Saddle Arabians. We argued for three hours straight on the matter of capital punishment. They were all for condemning such a practice, would you believe.’
‘I just hope she’s all right,’ said Luna abstractedly. ‘Whatever happens, she’s my sister. And she’s a good sister.’
Cadence’s skin crawled, but she nodded. ‘Yes.’
Tirek scratched his face. ‘She’s a good pony. I’m missing her already.’
‘So am I,’ said Cadence.
‘Me too,’ said Luna.
Silence again, until Tirek stood up. ‘A toast, then.’ He waved at the DAGs, and they poured him his drink. His tonic. The very stuff with which Celestia hoped to kill him. Nevertheless, the centaur raised his tankard. ‘To Celestia’s good health. Get well soon, old friend.’
Luna and Cadence murmured their acknowledgement, and Tirek drained the tonic, licking his lips thoughtfully.
Silence.
Cadence winced. The humming – it was too much for her. She couldn’t bear it.
‘I have to go,’ she said.
Luna blinked. ‘Huh?’
‘I’m leaving,’ said Cadence a little louder. ‘Lots to do.’
‘Oh. Bye.’
‘Goodbye, Luna. Goodbye, Tirek.’
‘Cadence.’
She pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Cadence rubbed her eyes and yawned. Celestia was mumbling in her sleep again. She had been all day. Cadence knew because that was where she’d spent the last six hours – by Celestia’s bedside. She didn’t have to stay so long, but she wanted to. Because things were bad and couldn’t be allowed to worsen. And although Cadence was no doctor, even she understood the significance of what appeared to be the mother of all fevers. She mopped Celestia’s brow.
Cadence had suffered a conflict of interest that day. One half of the world wanted her to fill in for its absent monarch, and the other demanded she leave Canterlot and focus on the problems affecting home. Shining Armour, for example, had messaged her earlier, with more bad news. A small yet growing number of imperial subjects feeling mistreated had thrown an anti-despotism demonstration in an outlying village. Her presence, Shining Amour kept saying, was required. But she couldn’t go. Not now. Not when Celestia so obviously needed help.
She plunged into T-Kam. Tirek and Luna looked up.
‘Any change?’ asked Tirek expectantly, and his face fell when Cadence shook her head.
‘She’s lying in bed, muttering to herself. Delirious. And she’s burning up – a fever the likes of which I’ve never seen. It isn’t pretty.’
Luna seemed to crumple. She stumbled momentarily, then righted herself.
‘It’s up to me, then,’ she said hoarsely. ‘There’s a spell . . . I’ve been thinking about it today. It requires pre-meditation and preparation.’ She gulped. ‘And it isn’t simple. It’s very taxing. But . . . I think it’ll heal her, and that’s what we want.’
Cadence shook her head. ‘Absolutely not. You know your sister would never allow you to put yourself at risk like that – not for anypony’s sake.’
‘Cadence,’ said Luna stubbornly, ‘you will not stop me. I’ve made my decision.’
Luna made ready to pull out of T-Kam, but Tirek shouted, ‘Wait!’
He frowned. ‘Taxing, you say? Well, I’m a magical being too, you know. There isn’t anything I can’t mess around with – and if this spell needs a bit of extra juice . . .’
‘No!’ said Cadence, stomping. ‘You won’t! Neither of you! Have you lost your minds? It’s not as if she’s dying!’
‘But what if she is?’ retorted Luna angrily. ‘You know better than most the state she’s in! Come on, do you honestly believe this is normal? If her affliction is magical, then we require magic to cure it. And I’m willing to take whatever risk comes with the territory.’
‘I can’t believe I’m saying this,’ muttered Tirek, ‘but so am I.’
‘Wait!’ said Cadence desperately as Luna stretched out a hoof. ‘Wait! Don’t go! Not yet! Let’s – let’s talk about this! Please!’
‘What more is there to discuss?’ said Luna with exasperation. ‘I’m going now!’
And her likeness fizzled and vanished.
‘Great!’ Cadence stomped again. ‘Just great! And what do you think you’re doing?’
For Tirek was reaching for his tankard.
‘Well, I’m having my tonic.’
‘Seriously? Now?’
‘Celestia would want me to.’
‘She’s trying to kill you!’ said Cadence, and she let loose a giggling sob. ‘And yet you still wish to drink it?’
Tirek nodded, his eyes glinting passionately. ‘Yes.’
He downed his tankard and wiped his mouth, breathing heavily.
‘Best get up there now,’ he said, ‘and stop Luna. Go on.’
Still shaking her head in disbelief, Cadence pulled out of T-Kam. Just in time too, for the doors to Celestia’s bedroom were flung open and Luna marched in.
‘Don’t!’ said Cadence, holding up a hoof.
‘She’s my sister!’ snarled Luna. ‘I’ll do as I please!’
‘Luna . . .’
Both Cadence and Luna blinked. Celestia was awake.
Luna shoved past Cadence and kneeled beside the bed, shaking. ‘Sister?’
Celestia coughed and managed to croak, ‘I had the most peculiar dream . . .’
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia wiped sweat from her brow as she plunged into T-Kam. Once more her condition had worsened – she’d thrown up several times since Tirek’s last tonic. But today she would recover – today they worked the totem ritual.
‘Granny Fanny’s tonic,’ she explained, ‘is a form of what we call black-market-magic – that is to say, its magical properties are derived from perverse and persistent blending of incompatible earthly ingredients.
‘Black-market-magic isn’t magic – not really. Magic is the art and science of forcing things to behave in ways that are not in their nature, whereas black-market-magic –’ Celestia coughed and wiped her snout ‘– is merely a by-product of malfunctioning herbal magicides.’
‘You what?’ said Tirek.
‘Herbal magicides,’ Celestia said impatiently. ‘You know, foxglove, ragwort, poison joke – that sort of thing.’
‘Ah.’
‘But that hardly matters, because this tonic has been tampered with. Concentrated via totem magic.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘Magic given power by means of a geometrically significant object – a totem. I strongly suspect that, to increase its potency, Sombra enchanted his entire supply.’
‘So – so it is dangerous?’ Tirek went pale. ‘And I’ve been . . .’
‘You’re perfectly safe,’ said Celestia, sniffing, ‘because the problem with black-market-magic is it’s highly erratic. Its effects aren’t –’ Celestia clicked her mouth, searching for the right word ‘– chainable. Nor are they predictable, containable or controllable. They vary vastly and are not limited to hosts or vectors. In other words . . . it’s me. I’m being affected. The tonic is punishing me.’
Luna nodded grimly. ‘And that’s why we need the totem ritual. It’ll heal her.’
Celestia shook her head. ‘It will cleanse me. I’m not sick – not really. Merely tormented by unforeseeably effective pseudo hoodoo whose grasp I shall soon escape. The totem’s the problem. Once we’ve destroyed that . . .’
Cadence materialised. Floating in front of her, shrouded in glow, was a sharply creased sheet of paper – the very page Celestia had seen in her sleep last night.
‘I’ve got it,’ said Cadence.
‘Good,’ said Celestia. ‘Excellent. And so, to business.’
She took a deep breath.
‘Read,’ she commanded.
Cadence obliged. ‘ “The drinker must provide permanently something of theirs, and the receiver must accept it.” ’
Celestia closed her eyes. ‘This is going to sting.’
Tirek gulped. ‘What do you mean?’
‘This is how totem rituals work. You’ve got to give me something of yours – something only you possess. And I’ve got to accept it.’
Tirek gaped at her. ‘What the heck does that mean?’
‘Your horn,’ said Cadence, staring at her hooves. ‘You’ve got to give her one of your horns.’
‘You’re joking!’
‘Sadly, no.’ Celestia sneezed loudly. ‘Unless you do, then it’s safe to assume my torment continues. And if it does, then, of course, the effects continue. And if the effects continue . . . volatile as they are . . . who knows? I might just slip away.’
All three princesses stared at Tirek, who paled further. He gulped and said hoarsely, ‘You mean to say . . . that if I don’t give up my horn . . . you will die?’
Celestia shrugged. ‘Potentially. And between you me, Tirek, I’d rather not.’
‘Indeed,’ said Luna, her eyes flashing.
Tirek’s shoulders slumped. His eyes were watery.
‘I’ll do it,’ he croaked.
Celestia nodded. ‘OK. Cadence? Luna? The spell, please.’
The two touched horns, then closed their eyes. A violent crimson flash illuminated Tirek’s cell. The black stone hummed.
Celestia squealed. Her head felt as though it was being torn apart. Tirek was screaming too, but she couldn’t make out why. (Perhaps because his horn was being amputated? She would have laughed if it weren’t so painful.) There was a horrible thunk, and Celestia doubled up as something stiff raked her skull.
And it was over. Celestia coughed up some phlegm. Then she gingerly felt the side of her head from which a dull, tooth-like hunk of ivory was now protruding. Her eyes found Tirek. He looked OK. Well. He was missing one of his horns.
‘It worked,’ muttered Celestia.
‘How come?’ asked Tirek. ‘Where’s the totem? Was it destroyed?’
Celestia caught Cadence’s eye, and they privately agreed – Tirek was taking it very well, all things considered.
‘The totem,’ said Celestia, ‘was the paper. Am I right, Cadence? Yes, Sombra always was a one for A5.’
‘So – that’s it?’
‘Yes!’ exclaimed Luna suddenly, and Tirek flinched. ‘And be thankful it isn’t more!’
She buried her face in her hooves and, sobbing, pulled out of T-Kam.
‘Don’t mind her,’ said Cadence considerately. ‘She’s just glad to see her sister’s OK.’
‘Well, so am I!’ said Tirek. Celestia couldn’t help herself – she burst out laughing.
‘How,’ she spluttered, ‘and I mean how – can you possibly be happy with the way things’ve gone?’
‘What, this?’ Tirek pointed at his solitary horn, then waved his hand dismissively through the air. ‘Nothing at all. The thing is, Your Highness, once you go to prison, you’ll find out just how bloody boring it is.’
Cadence laughed, and so did Celestia.
‘Once I go, eh?’ said Celestia amusedly. ‘And when will I be going to prison?’
‘Well, when somepony gets wind of what you’ve been feeding me, I guess,’ said Tirek, chuckling. ‘Really, though. It’s good to have you back.’
‘Glad to be here. Oh, and Tirek.’
‘What?’
Celestia smiled and absent-mindedly prodded her own horn. ‘I think it’s time we had that tournament, wouldn’t you say?’
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘I bet you’re wishing you hadn’t made that bet now,’ said Tirek, grinning broadly as a DAG threw up from storage a fresh bottle of tonic and poured. ‘We went and proved it – the tonic was dangerous, but now that we’ve removed said danger . . . it’s case closed. I suppose this means you’ll soon be bowing to High Queen Luna.’
‘I’ll do no such thing,’ said Celestia, fiddling with her horn. ‘You forget it was the totem magic that was undone. The tonic may have lost a touch of kick, but its properties remain. Black-market-magic still poses a very real threat.’ She smirked. ‘It’s a shame you must die, Tirek. I’ve grown rather fond of you over the last couple of weeks. We could have been friends if things were different.’
Tirek’s grin grew. ‘But we are friends, of course! For what is an enemy but a friend with whom you love to disagree? We are not nemeses, no, no, no! You can only truly hate a person if you loved them once – and given that neither of us has ever . . .’ He cleared his throat. ‘That is the way of things, yet civility need never depart our capital interactions.’
‘Wise counsel,’ said Celestia, nodding. ‘Yes, I suppose we’ve established a certain camaraderie here. I’ll be sorry to see it go.’
Luna’s likeness announced itself with an ear-splitting crack. Celestia winced, and Tirek cried, ‘Proliferating parasprites!’
‘I don’t believe it!’ exclaimed Luna, dashing the air with a hoof. ‘Those villains at the Regal! Will they ever stop?’
‘What is it this time?’ asked Celestia, displaying more interest than she normally would. She hadn’t forgotten Luna’s behaviour during their most recent crisis and felt she had a debt to pay.
‘Slang Dunk’s been switched to a 12A, and it’s screening tonight! These box-office types! Money, money, money – that’s all they’re ever interested in! They don’t have to deal with fillies and colts crying out in the night, terrified on account of the movie’s miraculously approved adult scenes! It’s a disgrace!’
‘Quite,’ said Celestia. ‘Unacceptable is what that is, yes. Perhaps I could say a word?’
‘Would you?’ said Luna, sounding surprised yet pleased. ‘They might just listen, you know!’
‘Of course,’ said Celestia, smiling perhaps a little too easily. ‘I’ll see to it you rest well tonight.’
‘Thanks!’ said Luna, grinning. ‘I’d better go. There’s still time . . . see if I can convince them . . .’
She pulled out of T-Kam. Tirek blinked.
‘What the hell was that?’ he asked, watching Celestia frown.
‘Big-sister stuff,’ she replied briskly. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘Try me.’
‘All right, then, I will. Put yourself in her hooves. This silly bet has gone on long enough. It’s irresponsible, dangerous, and my sister nearly paid big time on its account.’ Celestia sighed. ‘That’s exactly what Luna thinks.’
Tirek raised a brow. ‘No kidding.’
‘But she’ll come good, don’t worry. Once she realises I’m no longer in any immediate danger. And so long as I provide a suitable distraction –’ Celestia smiled ‘– I daresay the process will hurry itself along, which brings us to our little tournament.’
‘What’s new?’ asked Tirek, grinning.
‘I’ve been hard at work on the organisational front,’ said Celestia. ‘We’ll play elimination rounds, bracket-style. I’ve already spoken to a few of the inmates.’
‘And?’ prompted Tirek eagerly. ‘Who’s in?’
‘The con artist, the architect, the shammer – you know, your high-security lot.’
‘And what about the other one?’
‘Her? Not a chance.’
‘Right.’
Cadence’s likeness sputtered into being. She looked exhausted.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ she gasped. ‘Bit of – trouble – on the border – again . . .’ She curled up, panting. ‘Only just got away.’
‘Well, you’re just in time,’ said Tirek, raising his tankard. ‘Here’s to your border dispute. I hope things smoothen out from now.’
‘Thank you,’ mumbled Cadence. ‘Very kind.’
Tirek drained his tankard and smacked his lips. Celestia licked hers.
‘Do you know,’ she said, ‘I really could use a drink. I wonder whether Luna would join me . . .’
‘I would,’ said Cadence, wincing as she rubbed her sides. ‘It’s just –’
‘No, it’s OK,’ said Celestia, rubbing her horn. ‘Until tomorrow, then, you two.’
Tirek smirked as she pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘I say it again,’ said Tirek – again. He pointed an accusatory finger at Celestia and continued, ‘I want you in the first round. Come on, now, don’t be such a coward! The odds are stacked against me – you said it yourself!’
Celestia shook her head. ‘Not a chance. You’ll be playing the architect – and liking it! Hmph. Do you know, a good beating may well have a desirable effect on that article. Who knows? Perhaps you can teach her a lesson to boot and sway her from those eyesores of which she is so fond. Brutalist indeed . . .’
Luna tapped her spreadsheet happily. ‘I’ve got the con artist round one! Shouldn’t be too hard, of course. You mark my words, I’m a blackjack grandmaster! I hope our fellow competitors are betting big!’ She rubbed her hooves together. ‘I’m raring to hit a jackpot!’
Celestia smiled, secretly pleased that Luna had brightened up so quickly. Yes, she was likely playing up to it a tad so as to make herself feel better, but that was precisely the sort of attitude Celestia had hoped this tournament would evoke.
‘I’ve got the shammer,’ said Celestia, ‘who could be a walkover. Could be. It’s all chance, this game, after all.’
‘No, no, no!’ said Tirek, affecting an expression of appalled disagreement. ‘Chance? No, no. I don’t deal in chance, you see. Skill? Now that’s what I’m all about! I’m not a gambler, me. I am – an artist. An artist who predicts outcomes with remarkable –’
‘A cheater,’ said Celestia brusquely. ‘And as before I extend to you a warning – if you do cheat . . . your cards, your winnings . . . they’re all mine, understood?’
‘Yes, yes,’ said Tirek impatiently.
‘Good, exc—’
‘Excellent,’ said Luna, cutting her short.
Celestia frowned. ‘Excuse –?’
‘You’re always saying that.’
‘Saying what? Well? Spit it out, girl!’
Luna grinned. ‘“Good, excellent.” It’s like – a really, really bad catchphrase. Honestly, Sister, the public expect more these days.’
‘This isn’t public,’ said Celestia, disgruntled, ‘and in any case, my so-called catchphrase is far better than yours!’
Luna’s grin widened.
‘Do you think,’ she began, ‘that you are tough?’
Celestia rolled her eyes. ‘There you go.’
‘Hold it,’ said Tirek, frowning. ‘The numbers don’t add up. Who’s Cadence facing?’
‘No one,’ replied Celestia. ‘Being the least experienced among us, she advances automatically. And don’t think I don’t know what you’re suggesting! I already told you – no! On no account will she play! On no account!’
Tirek looked sulky.
‘Is it the other one?’ asked Luna.
Celestia nodded. ‘It’s the other one.’
‘She’s terribly isolated these days, don’t you think, Sister? Are you sure it’ll have a rehabilitating effect?’
‘I don’t care what effect it has so long as her presence isn’t poisoning my perfect world.’
‘And again,’ said Tirek, ‘you demonstrate an inability to administer justice. Bias rules this country more than you!’
‘Hold your tongue. Or better yet, where’s your tankard? Some tonic here, if you please!’
Tirek snatched his tankard from the DAG’s grip. Then he paused, thinking.
‘Black-market-magic, eh?’ he said. ‘Well, here’s hoping the damned stuff helps me win our little wager! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for another illness!’
He downed its contents and, as Celestia gritted her teeth, loudly smacked his lips.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘Behold,’ said Celestia, spreading her hooves. ‘The mess hall.’
Tirek fell to his knees, and Celestia held back laughter at his tears of joy. Luna grinned, and Cadence patted him on the shoulder.
‘Two weeks!’ he cried, gazing at the rickety stools and dented blue dining trays as if they were pure gold. ‘Two weeks alone in the dark! But now! But now!’
He did a lap or two round the rows before collapsing triumphantly into a chair.
‘Happy?’ asked Celestia, amused.
‘Very!’ said Tirek, shuffling his deck. ‘I can’t wait to get started!’
The opposition filed in, followed by a group DAGs and a painfully familiar voice.
‘Hey!’ shouted Trixie, wrestling with her chains. ‘What’s the big idea? Solitary for three days, and now you’re frog-marching me against my will! I demand a trial! I demand – curse you! I demand a trial!’
‘If we’ve been through it once, we’ve been through it a thousand times,’ said Celestia, sighing. ‘You were found guilty, and that’s all there is to it. Enough now. Please.’
‘I demand – get off me!’ She tried and failed to kick the DAG nearest to her. ‘I demand a –’
‘Enough, I said!’ snarled Celestia, and she scowled. ‘You just don’t know when to give up, do you? But I shan’t tolerate it anymore! Not today! You will sit! And you will be silent!’
Trixie was pressed into a seat, her expression murderous, but said nothing more withal. Her companions watched, stony-faced.
Celestia smirked. ‘Well, well, if it isn’t the architect herself. Enjoying your stay, I hope? Windowless depths certainly were your area of expertise, after all.’
Suri clenched her jaw and sat down.
‘Which leaves you,’ said Celestia. ‘The sunburnt satsuma with an attitude to match. Sit down, Sunset. Care to introduce us, Luna?’
‘It’s time to play!’ said Luna, grinning broadly. She signalled a DAG, and it spouted two more decks, brand new, straight out of storage. She caught, then placed them atop the centre of their table. ‘Blackjack, normal rules. Three-round games. Let’s go!’
‘Anything else?’ prompted Celestia, and Luna shrugged. Celestia rolled her eyes.
‘To make things a little more interesting,’ she began, disgruntled, ‘we’ll stagger the tournament rounds. Today it’s a fifty-bit stake to enter. All our antes go towards the final jackpot, and winner takes all. I trust you brought your purses?’ She chuckled once the DAGs had spat them out too. ‘Good, excellent. Any questions?’
‘I’ve got a question,’ growled Sunset. ‘Just what do you think you’re playing at, treating us like this? We’re prisoners, not playthings brought out to satisfy your whims!’
‘I thought you said they’d agreed to this!’ said Tirek, sounding hurt.
Celestia dragged her hooves up and down her face.
‘Tirek,’ she said eventually. ‘Shut up.’
Soon the first-round matches were underway. Luna was first to win hers and celebrated via copious amounts of whooping and cheering, which seemingly triggered Sunset into throwing her cards skyward in protest. After losing his first hand, Tirek managed to brush Suri aside with two consecutive twenties. Cadence, although initially interested, caused a minor distraction nearer the end when she flopped onto the table and started to snore.
‘Busy at work,’ said Celestia quickly. ‘Never you mind.’
She smirked. She’d beaten Sunset’s final hand with a score of nineteen. Or so she thought.
‘Twenty-one!’ snarled Sunset, dashing her hand onto the floor and standing up. ‘I win!’
‘Hard lines, your Majesty!’ crowed Tirek, downing his tonic in celebration and smacking his lips.
Cadence jerked into life and slid off the tabletop. ‘Whuzzgoinon?’
Luna was still dancing. ‘Victory! Victory! Aha haha!’
Which set off Trixie.
‘Now listen here, you villains! I demand a trial! A fair, unbiased, open trial complete with judge and jury!’
Meanwhile, Sunset was shouting, ‘You’re a disgrace to Equestria! Get out!’
‘I win! I win!’
‘Bad luck, Your Highness!’
‘Did I miss something?’
‘Give me my trial!’
‘A disgrace!’
Celestia rubbed her temples and pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Luna pulled herself close to her cards. Celestia could tell she was debating feverishly inside her head whether to hit or stand. Sunset’s scowl gave nothing away. Tirek had just whitewashed Cadence three to nil. He’d made the final, which admittedly rattled Celestia just a tad. And here they were tied, one game apiece – this decided his opponent. She privately hoped Luna was as good as she claimed. Tirek could not be allowed any nearer the jackpot.
‘Hit,’ said Luna eventually. She took another card. Sunset’s eyes flickered upwards.
‘Stand,’ she muttered. They splayed their hands.
‘Eighteen.’ Sunset’s hand, two aces and a six.
‘Nineteen!’ shouted Luna, swinging around her ten, four and five like a – well, like a blackjack. Celestia ducked so as not to pick up a paper cut. Luna lost it completely and leapt onto the table, booting away the dealer’s deck.
‘Pick up fifty-two, you lot!’ she announced delightedly. ‘I win! I win!’ She brandished a hoof at Tirek, who gulped and tried to make himself look as small as possible. ‘You’re next! Just you wait, Tirek, old boy! I’m going to gut you for garters! Figuratively speaking, of course.’
Tirek recovered via choosing instead to direct his comment at Celestia. ‘Well, Your Highness, there you have it. I’ve played twice, won both. The final’s next, and once I’ve – well.’ He eyed Luna nervously, then cleared his throat. ‘Anyway, prepare yourself! I take it you’re a fan of the taste of defeat? Beguiling flavour! I do hope so for your sake, because that’s what the kitchen is serving!’
‘I hardly think so!’ sneered Celestia, though internally she felt quite different.
‘And I’ve had plenty of time to think about what I’ll be buying,’ continued Tirek, his voice brimful of maddeningly deliberate glee. ‘First I’ll have myself a sofa – and a television set, you know, to pass the time. And perhaps a bookshelf or two – one for fiction, the other for . . . other. And then the books themselves – well, I’m sure you shan’t begrudge me a title or two from the regal shelves of –’
His monologue was cut short by an almighty crash. Trixie and Suri cried out, Cadence choked, Luna toppled off the table, and Sunset’s scowl deepened. Panting on the floor, garbed in military motley and covered in mud, scratches and bruises, was –
‘Shining Armor!’ gasped Cadence, her eyes wide with mingled astonishment and worry. ‘What – what happened?’
Shining Armor’s likeness picked itself up and managed, ‘R-rebels . . . annexed Wilbur . . . couldn’t stop . . .’
And he was out.
‘Ready a dispatch to each of the nobles,’ snarled Celestia, ‘requesting levies and funds. Bring Fyrien to the castle, make sure he’s soundly debriefed! I want soldiers on the periphery at once! My Own Sixth Regiment, airborne cavalry, along with a couple of yours, Cadence. We’ll flush the beggars out, you mark my words! Luna? Convene a wartime meeting of the Closed Council! I shall summon Twilight.’
‘They’ve a small embassy encamped three miles north of the village,’ explained Shining Armor. ‘Their terms, I imagine, will be steep.’
‘Hang their terms!’ said Celestia furiously, fighting not to blast a hole in the dishwasher. ‘The insolence! The cowardice! Despicable cowardice!’ She paused, chest heaving. ‘Luna, Cadence, why are you still here? Get out!’
‘Right,’ they said together before pulling out of T-Kam. Celestia turned to the nearest DAG.
‘These prisoners are not to be moved,’ she said, speaking quickly and firmly. ‘They are not to do anything except stay in this room under lock and key until I return, which in light of these events could be a very long time!’
‘Now hold on just a minute!’ said Tirek, appalled. ‘What do you think you’re doing? We can’t stay here! We’ll starve!’
‘It’s a mess hall, isn’t it? Cook yourself a meal! I’ve more important things to worry about than your well-being! Oh, and by the way,’ she added, speaking once again to the nearest DAG, ‘make sure he keeps drinking that tonic! Crisis or not, this isn’t over!’
‘Wait!’ yelled all four inmates as Celestia’s likeness vanished with a pop and the DAGs formed a large, impassive circle around the room.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
‘Your Highness!’
‘An uprising!’
‘Inconceivable!’
‘Thrash the brutes!’
‘The gallows, man, the gallows!’
‘I say!’
‘Inspired notion!’
‘Jolly good show!’
‘Hear, hear!’
‘ENOUGH!’ roared Celestia, and the back-stabbing bureaucrats of her Closed Council fell silent. Adjusting the crown, Celestia took her seat.
‘And so,’ she said, ‘to business. On the basis of that charming dialogue, it is safe to assume you each have been made aware of our situation in the north. Nevertheless, let me reemphasize the importance of whatever decisions we make today. I shall not leave our allies to suffer this insult! The rebellion must be crushed, and in so doing we send a clear message – that such action will be condemned so violently it is rendered counterproductive.’ She paused, sweeping the assembled with an iron gaze. ‘With that in mind, I draw your attention to this most recent – just what do you think you are smirking at?’
For at least half of her mutinous child-men had the giggles. Luna, who was trying and failing to keep a straight face, leaned over and whispered, ‘I think it’s your horn.’
Celestia blushed and reached instinctively upward to shield Tirek’s unpleasant addition from view. She narrowed her eyes. ‘The next person to so much as blink in my direction will be treated as equally guilty.’
Silence again.
‘Now,’ she continued, ‘let us consider the issue.’
After much bickering, a broken tea set and a bruised scalp, the Closed Council approved, signed and sealed the document authorising military presence in the Crystal Empire. Celestia’s Own Sixth Regiment was dispatched at quick march from their station in the mountains, and she and Luna flew north to meet with Cadence in her capital. Celestia absent-mindedly rubbed her horn and wondered idly whether Tirek was drinking his tonic.
‘Out with it, you!’ snarled Trixie, bearing down on him. ‘What did you do?’
‘Nothing!’ gasped Tirek, stumbling backwards into a DAG. ‘I’ve nothing to do with any of this, I swear! Celestia’s just a little – incensed is all. I’m sure she’ll be back to let us out soon!’
‘Oh, you are, are you?’ Trixie aimed a kick at his only horn, which missed and caught the DAG on its breastplate. It clanked into life and, with remarkable speed, snatched her clean out the air. She cried out as she was pressed onto the floor in a submission.
‘Now you know what it feels like,’ grunted Sunset, who’d been placed in a similar position several hours beforehand and was yet to be released. Tirek giggled at the pair’s squashed faces. They looked quite comical.
‘This! Is! Your! Fault!’ Trixie struggled manfully against the hold but made no impression on her DAG, who pushed harder. ‘Ah, ah! OK, OK! I yield! Jeez!’
But the DAG did not let go. Suri and Tirek shared a look.
‘I’m serious!’ Tirek told her. ‘I had nothing to do with this! All I wanted was a card game. Honest!’
‘And your stupid card game has cost us big,’ said Sunset from the floor. ‘We’ve been left here to rot.’
Another of the DAGs broke rank and clanked forwards, tankard in hand.
‘Also, why do you they force you to drink that stuff?’ she asked.
Tirek grinned. ‘Didn’t you know? Celestia and her sister have a bet on – winner takes the kingdom. Problem is, I’ve got to drink a portion of this stuff on the daily. It isn’t too bad – but we did prove it was dangerous.’
‘They’re betting the kingdom?’ said Suri, frowning.
‘Yeah! Crazy, right? I’m game, though. It’s been so boring these past few years. To be honest, I needed the distraction.’
Suri seemed not to hear.
‘Two sisters squabbling over control of a nation,’ she muttered. ‘Totally oblivious to the ponies living in it. Just what sort of leaders are they?’
Tirek shrugged. ‘I don’t know, but you’ve got to admit it’s funny.’
‘It’s wrong,’ said Sunset.
‘You’re damn right it’s wrong!’ said Trixie, still attempting to squirm free. ‘Those villains . . . threw me in here . . . for no – ah! For no reason . . . and . . . ouch! Come on, man!’
Her DAG pushed even harder, and Trixie was forced into silence.
‘Well, I guess we’ve a chance at something new,’ said Tirek, snatching up his tankard. ‘This rebellion might shake things up a bit. Who knows?’
‘You mean to say it will succeed?’ asked Suri, her brow raised.
‘Succeed? No, no! Heck, I don’t bloody know, do I?’ He paused. ‘Who knows, though?’
And he downed his tonic, smacking his lips loudly.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Cadence watched Celestia’s Own Sixth Regiment troop into the castle courtyard, armour glinting in the sun, spears pointed proudly skyward like flags. Neat lines between ranks split the battalions into their companies, and within them moved officers, buglers and adjutants holding the great body together.
‘A fine display, don’t you think?’ said Celestia, grinning down at them from the balcony. Cadence nodded, although privately wished there were some other way through which they could pacify the rebels. Luna bit into a pie.
‘Who – mhm – cares what they look like?’ she said through a mouthful of pasty. ‘So long as they do the job –’
‘Luna, you have no appreciation of martial artistry,’ retorted Celestia. ‘That being said, in this case, I agree. So long as they do their job, I couldn’t care less what they wear.’
Cadence bit her lip. She knew Celestia, grateful from before, was trying to help. But still. Soldiers in the Empire? In spite of its name, Cadence ran a nation of peace. Sure, she approved the occasional flogging, but outright war? She wasn’t about that. She glanced at Celestia, whose eyes were alight with zeal.
‘Cadence?’ said Luna. Cadence blinked.
‘Y-yes?’
‘Are you – good?’
‘Of course not,’ snapped Celestia, frowning as though Luna had been insensitive. ‘Her crown is being threatened. Who in their right mind would be good?’ She smiled sympathetically. ‘Don’t worry. Just a little longer, and we’ll take back control. Things’ll be fine. You’ll see.’
Cadence nodded, smiling one she didn’t feel.
‘Can you let me up? Please? I need to use the bathroom.’
Trixie’s DAG did not respond and held her fast against the floor. She’d been in this position for nearly a day and had been holding it in for just as long. Tirek was awaiting his next dose of tonic. A DAG poured as he watched. Sunset was scowling as usual (she too was still on the floor), and Suri was sleeping atop a row of chairs. All of them, locked away with no means of escape. What a mess.
Trixie knew she didn’t deserve this. Ever since the Great Scam of Fifty-Eight, she’d been here, forgotten, trial-less, chained to a grimy wall and left to rot. Yes, she’d broken laws. Sure, she’d crossed what Celestia loved to refer to as ‘the line’. But that didn’t merit a lifelong stint in Tartarus, now, did it?
Celestia, the villain. Trixie could say with an unusually high degree of confidence the guillotine was too good for her, for she’d worked with guillotines in the past as part of her magic act and knew it wasn’t enough. It brought her scant pleasure imagining Celestia’s sneering face cleaved in two by the falling blade. She deserved to suffer and for her, surely, there was reserved something special.
‘Comfy?’ Tirek asked Sunset, whose eyes had begun to droop.
‘Piss off.’
‘Nice. I like it. And you?’ he added, walking over to where Trixie was trying not to wet herself.
‘Listen,’ she said, ‘could you lend me that when you’re done?’
Tirek’s face wrinkled with disgust. ‘So you can pee in it? No! This is my baby!’ And he cradled the tankard as though it were, making syrupy kissing sounds that caused Trixie to cringe. ‘Tirek’s tanky – that’s what this is now. And here we all are, at the christening.’
He downed his tonic, smacked his lips, then handed his ‘tanky’ back to a DAG. Belching heartily, he prodded a cupboard or two with his hoof, the latter of which swung open and cascades of dry, grass-like chips tumbled out onto the mess hall floor.
Tirek snorted, then looked up and said, ‘Who’s for hay fries?’
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
There was something indescribably arrogant about the usage of parley. It was as though the ponies flying its flag expected her to feel all of a sudden no animosity towards their cause, however heinous, however wrong. The rebels’ embassy flew such a flag now. Celestia sniffed and tossed her head, then walked into the tent, Luna following.
Inside stood only three ponies – a surprise, for Celestia had certainly expected some form of makeshift guard, armed and wiry, at the very least. One was an earth pony, another a pegasus and the last a unicorn. She smirked. Typical, that such a movement required even representation at its upper end. It made her want to laugh.
The unicorn bowed. ‘Princess Celestia, what an honour. And Princess Luna. She who guards the night.’ He bowed again. ‘Equally so.’
‘Whom do I have the, ah, pleasure of addressing?’
‘I am L.’
‘You are – what?’
‘L for Lycan,’ he said, smiling.
‘J for Juniper,’ said the pegasus.
‘Y for Yarrow,’ said the earth pony.
‘I see,’ said Celestia. ‘All right, then, Lycan, you know why we’re here.’
‘Indeed I do – to speak on behalf of the Usurper, She Who Dominates, the despotic alicorn known to you as Cadence. But you are not she, Your Highness, no, no. You are, or so I am told, a pony of reason. A pony of respect. You will, of course, then, understand our predicament – and why we cannot offer you anything so much as close to an unconditional surrender.’
‘How did you –?’
‘I have my ways.’
Celestia stared. Then, after a long pause, she sighed. ‘Very well. Luna?’
Luna handed Lycan the Closed Council’s official terms.
‘Thank you,’ said Lycan, bowing.
He read, and as he read, his frown deepened. Once finished, he cast the document aside and said, ‘Clearly, we cannot accept these terms.’
‘And for that you shall pay. Come, Luna, we’re done here.’
‘Your Highness!’ Lycan took a desperate step forwards, his face earnest. ‘Your Highness, we are not radicals destined to usurp this great kingdom! We are but humble subjects bearing legitimate grievances, who ask merely to be heard, to be treated as we deserve!’
Celestia surveyed him carefully. ‘You’ll get what you deserve, don’t worry. Come, Luna!’
They left the tent.
‘Go! Go! Go!’ screamed Tirek as he dodged a lunging blow. His DAG hit a saucepan, with which Sunset promptly caved in its head. The DAG clattered to the floor and lay motionless.
‘Yes!’ said Tirek. ‘That’s it!’
Trixie was busy stuffing hay fries into eye sockets, and Suri was bucking as fast as a cider-sucking rodeo horse. She burst a hole in one DAG’s fluid tank, ruptured a cable in another. Sunset brought the pan down again and knocked it senseless.
‘Can’t – much longer!’ grunted Trixie, hurdling metal-tipped lunges for dear life. She tossed another mouthful of fries at the DAG leaking motor oil. Its vision impaired, it slipped in its own refuse and caught fire.
‘Shit!’
The blaze was immediate – and bad. All four of them began to splutter and choke as thick black smoke spread into the air.
‘What do we do now?’ snarled Sunset, her eyes watering.
‘The door’s – nnh!’ Trixie pulled as hard as she could, but it was no use. ‘It’s – it’s locked! I can’t get it open!’
‘Think!’ shouted Tirek. ‘Think!’
‘Wait a minute.’ Suri’s eyes lit up. ‘This way, everyone!’
She ran towards the ovens, turned and gave the extraction unit an almighty buck. Its guard clattered to the floor, revealing a narrow shaft.
‘In!’ she shouted. ‘Get in!’
Sunset shook her off, snarling. ‘Are you mad? We’ll suffocate!’
‘No, we won’t!’ laughed Suri, ‘because I helped design the extension, and this chimney’ll lead us straight to the surface!’
‘Are – are you certain?’
‘Of course I’m certain! It’ll be a squeeze, but – oh, for pony’s sake, just get in!’
Sunset gave her a parting scowl, then leapt up onto the oven and squirmed into the extraction shaft.
‘I’m in! It’s – a bit tricky to climb.’
‘Push against the walls!’
‘There we go!’
‘I’m next!’ said Trixie, elbowing Tirek roughly aside. ‘Wait for me!’
And she was up. Tirek turned to Suri. ‘You now.’
But Suri shook her head. ‘On you go.’
‘I’m bigger than you,’ said Tirek. ‘What if I get stuck?’
‘Just go!’
The fire was spreading rapidly – nearly all the beaten DAGs were ablaze.
‘All right.’ Tirek squeezed into the shaft. It was grimy and smelled badly of burnt rubber. He squealed as something hit his face, then realised it was Trixie’s tail. ‘Oi! Can’t you –?’ He looked upward, blushed and decided it was better just to remain silent.
‘I’m in!’ he called down to Suri. ‘You now! Suri!’
There was no response. He frowned. ‘Suri?’
He let himself slide down onto the oven, then dipped his head under the funnel to peer into the mess hall. His stomach dropped.
Suri was struggling against the grip of one of the DAGs. It was badly damaged, but operational – and its metal claws, which had established a hold, would not let go. Tirek knew that much. He watched in horror as the DAG opened its mouth absurdly wide and sucked the writhing, cursing Suri into storage – wherever that was. She was gone.
The DAG turned its face to his. Tirek scrabbled up the shaft.
‘Move!’ he screamed. ‘Move! Move!’
‘Just what do you think you’re –?’
‘Shut up and move! There’s a DAG!’
Trixie’s attitude changed abruptly.
‘SUNSET!’ she bellowed, sounding terrified. ‘SHIFT OR WE’RE GOING TO DIE!’
‘I know what I’m doing,’ snarled Sunset, and Tirek quickly found himself with space into which to climb. An angry clanking from below told him the DAG had made it onto the oven top.
‘Faster, Sunset, faster!’ he cried. ‘It’ll be on us in – gah!’
A cold metal hand grabbed his hind leg and tried to pull him down. But there was no force to it – none of the strength that had overcome Suri. Tirek frowned. Something wasn’t –
The hand warmed quickly – too quickly. He chanced a glance at his leg and gasped as the DAG fell backwards into the growing inferno. A wave of horrible heat slapped his cheeks sweaty.
‘Get going!’ he shouted again. ‘Go! Go!’
Up.
Up.
Up.
The heat worsened.
Up.
Up.
Up.
Then relented.
Up.
Up.
Up.
Then worsened again.
‘Up,’ hissed Tirek through gritted teeth. ‘Up.’
He felt a tear slide onto his nose – on account of the smoke for sure, but perhaps also to do with the image of Suri dragged into what he very much hoped wasn’t a burning grave.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Celestia was tired – so very, very tired. Her nose burned, her body ached, and her brain was pulsing horribly, like a high-speed heart inside her head. These last few days had been miserable. Cadence had done her best, as had the doctors. But no matter how hard anypony tried, Celestia’s condition wasn’t improving. She was close to death, apparently. Well, she didn’t think so, but the way Luna looked at her . . . she could almost believe it then. She smiled. All would change, however, for she knew now how to recover.
‘Tirek,’ she said at once after plunging into T-Kam. Tirek, Luna and Cadence all stared. Celestia blushed. She supposed she looked quite silly – her likeness was complete with bed and sleeping cap.
‘Celestia!’ Tirek sounded . . . happy. Happy to see her. Celestia frowned. Cadence looked close to tears, and Luna was pale as snow.
‘What?’ said Celestia.
‘Really, Tia,’ said Cadence, wiping her eyes. ‘We’ve missed you! We thought – well, we thought –’
‘I’m fine,’ lied Celestia. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
She glanced at Luna, then looked away. Luna had reached her edge – Celestia could tell. Despite all the feisty horn-measuring, Luna was a sister who cared perhaps too deeply about her kin. And Celestia felt guilty – she felt hers was the fault that Luna was the way she was. She hastily cleared her throat.
‘Tirek,’ she said again. ‘I know what’s causing my illness. Your drink . . . you’ve got to –’
She winced, then turned to Cadence and Luna. ‘I had the dream again – and this time I remember.’
‘And?’ said Luna anxiously. ‘What happened? What did you see?’
‘Warehouse fifteen,’ said Celestia, and Cadence gasped. Tirek raised a brow.
‘Isn’t that where you keep Granny’s tonic under lock and key?’ he asked uncertainly.
Celestia nodded, her cap flapping. ‘Exactly. And on the containers there are graffitied the words “Torment” and “Celestia”.’
There was a long pause.
‘Now, I know what you’re going to say. I know it was just a dream, but –’
‘You think it’s a vision,’ said Luna, ‘and you want us to check it out. Cadence? Let’s move!’
‘Not so fast!’ said Celestia, touched that Luna had believed her so readily. ‘That’s not all that I saw. In the dream I walked past one container filled with leaflets – heaps and heaps of papers jumbled together.’ She licked her lips and continued, ‘I don’t know how I know, but I do – one of these papers speaks of a totem ritual.’
Cadence gasped so audibly that her likeness flickered. ‘You – you can’t be –’
‘Certain,’ said Celestia. ‘Yes. This is no ordinary sickness. You know what this vision is. You know what a totem ritual means. I should have known.’
Tirek looked flummoxed.
‘What the heck are you on?’ he said. ‘What’s a totem ritual? What’s this all about?’
Celestia did not respond. ‘Cadence, please go. Warehouse fifteen. Second crate from the back. You’ll know it when you see it.’
Luna stepped forwards. ‘I’m going too.’
‘No!’ Celestia shook her head. ‘You’re staying here. I need somepony to take care of me, after all.’
Luna’s expression softened.
‘But,’ said Celestia, and Cadence faltered. ‘Before any of us goes, Tirek must have his tonic.’
‘What?’ said Cadence and Luna together, just as Celestia had predicted they would.
‘Sister, you know perfectly well what this is!’ snarled Luna. ‘This is black-market-magic! Are you mad?’
‘Perhaps,’ said Celestia. ‘But you forget we’ve a bet on – and I shan’t be losing, Luna, let me tell you.’
‘The bet’s off,’ said Luna at once. ‘You win. I quit.’
‘Request denied,’ said Celestia, smiling. ‘We’re sisters. This is how it works. Tirek?’
Tirek pushed his tankard to the edge of his FoodRock and sat down, crossing his arms and legs. ‘I won’t touch it until you tell me what’s going on.’
Celestia sighed. ‘Look, Tirek, just drink the tonic. I promise I’ll tell you everything – just not right now.’
‘When?’
Celestia turned to Cadence. ‘How long will you take?’
‘For this?’ said Cadence. ‘A day at most. I will fly as fast as possible.’
‘Good. There’s your answer, Tirek. Tomorrow I will explain everything – so long as it works.’
‘So long as what works?’ said Tirek furiously. ‘What’s going on?’
Celestia’s patience snapped.
‘Just drink it!’ she bellowed.
Tirek stared at her long and hard. Then he raised his tankard and drained its contents, smacking his lips. Celestia winced. Both Luna and Cadence looked more worried than ever.
‘Good,’ wheezed Celestia. ‘Excellent. Luna, with me. Cadence?’
They shared a look.
‘Good luck.’
‘To you too,’ said Cadence, nodding. ‘I will not fail.’
All three princesses pulled out of T-Kam.
Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment
Tirek closed his eyes and shook his head, panting. There was very little room in which to breathe. Albeit slowly, smoke still curled up from below, above which it was an effort to stay. Sunset’s pace had also slowed, which wasn’t helping.
‘Get a move on!’ hissed Trixie.
‘Give me a moment!’ snarled Sunset.
A moment later, Sunset resumed the climb. They’d been on the ascent for hours. Tirek’s back, neck, legs and arms ached horribly. Nonetheless, he pressed himself against the shaft’s dirty, narrow walls, slid higher and bumped into Trixie’s backside.
‘Hey!’ squeaked Trixie.
‘Well, it isn’t my fault! What are you stopping for?’
‘Quiet!’ snapped Sunset.
There was a pause.
‘We’ve reached the top,’ she breathed.
‘We have?’ Trixie’s voice quivered eagerly.
‘Listen.’
There was a dull, metallic clang. Tirek’s heart skipped a beat. Sunset stopped tapping against the grate.
‘It’s bolted shut.’
‘Get back into position! Bring out the new weapons!’ snarled Celestia, blasting a rebel with her horn. He flew backwards in the air and landed dead-centre on a pike. It went straight through. The rebel tried to speak but couldn’t, blood trickling from his mouth like drool. A sad end, to be sure. But Celestia couldn’t afford to pay respects, for three more took his place, brandishing rakes and hoes and screaming abuse.
‘Gah!’ she cried as the hoe connected with her flank. Her horn flashed and the rebels crumpled, unconscious.
‘Sister, look out!’
The warning came just in time. Celestia rolled under the blow and knocked the rebel off balance with a well-aimed kick. Luna’s horn crackled and he collapsed, clutching his chest.
The valley was overrun, but not for much longer. Celestia signalled to Fyrien on the hilltop, who nodded. The new weapons were being trundled out.
It was only a matter of time.
‘Come on! Come on! Break it!’
Sunset roared and bucked with all her might. The grate came loose and daylight spilled into the shaft.
‘Yes!’ breathed Tirek, hardly daring to believe it. ‘Yes! Yes!’
They clambered out, each of them gulping deep breaths of fresh, clean air.
‘We made it!’ said Trixie, and she laughed. ‘We actually made it!’
They were in a large meadow, complete with bridge and stream and colourful little flowers flickering in the breeze. Tirek had never seen its like before, but fell in love with it at once. After years underground, he supposed, anything above was worth falling in love with. Perhaps the other two were thinking along the same lines, for they too gazed at the sight in silence, a thoughtful crease to their faces.
And then Tirek frowned. A smell was in the air – very light, very faint, but familiar.
‘I’m going to take a closer look,’ he announced, wandering down towards the brook.
And sure enough, it was confirmed. What he’d thought to be water was, in fact, tonic. Granny Fanny’s Cold-Fire Brewed Filly-Delphian Tonic Water. A stream of it, in the middle of nowhere.
‘Well,’ he muttered to himself. ‘That’s . . . odd.’
Luna parried a clumsy blow with her horn and then, shouting, brought her hoof down on the offending rebel’s head. His eyes followed its progress and shut sharply upon impact. He keeled over, shovel and all, into the mud.
Celestia was backed up against a wall of her own soldiers, her horn flashing on and off as rebels fell to the ground in droves. Yet still they came, and Celestia was struggling to stem the flow. Luna’s insides squirmed.
‘Protect Her Highness!’ she screamed, and a row of levies moved in, roaring.
‘Gah!’ squealed Celestia as a pike raked her front. Blood flowed as she fell. Luna fought her way towards her, a horrible sinking feeling in her gut.
‘I’ve got you!’ said Luna, clambering over a lifeless body and down to where her sister lay. ‘I’ve got you!’
‘Luna . . .’ Celestia glanced down, then back, her face full of fear.
Tirek didn’t know what compelled him, only that something had. He plunged into the tonic river and drank deep, its familiar kick scratching the insides of his throat. He blinked, wondering why the water looked so strange. Then he remembered it wasn’t water. Then he forgot. He shook his head, then realised he’d slipped under. A few bubbles of air escaped his mouth. His eyes rolled.
He floated downstream.
And emerged suddenly on – a battlefield. On which both Luna and Celestia were strewn.
‘Tirek,’ said Luna, her face covered in tears. ‘Help me.’
On account of her line of work (and the occasional hospital visit), Celestia had seen a wound or two in her time and knew at once this case was hopeless. The pike had pierced her deep, and no matter what was done, magical, medical or otherwise, she was as good as dead. She felt a laugh die in her throat. The irony was overwhelming – in fact, it was all she could think about, what with Tirek’s sudden appearance from nowhere. She’d tried so hard to live – and yet here she was, dying. And he, whom she had in effect condemned to death, was alive.
‘Truly,’ she coughed, chest shuddering, ‘life’s biggest irony is it always ends in death. There you are. So far as final words go –’ She coughed again. ‘A fitting end, wouldn’t you say?’
Luna was crying.
‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘Please don’t.’
‘It is done already.’
Her eyes sought Tirek’s.
‘Well, Tirek, it’s been fun. Things haven’t gone quite as planned, but – well, when did they? Still, I’ve enjoyed our time together. Remember that, won’t you?’
He nodded, face pale. She closed her eyes and sighed.
‘All in all,’ said Cadence, hiccoughing, ‘one of our stranger days. But I guess it turned out all right, no?’
Tirek grinned. Celestia grinned, a bandage round her chest. Luna grinned, snatched up a bottle of Granny Fanny’s tonic and served. All four raised their tankards, toasted and drank.
‘Mmm,’ said Celestia, wiping her mouth. ‘Fantastic.’
‘Even more so, considering its properties saved your life,’ said Tirek, chuckling. ‘I guess the black-market-magic inside isn’t so black now!’
‘Indeed not.’
There was a pause.
‘Of course,’ said Celestia eventually, ‘you cannot be allowed to roam free, Tirek. You will return to your cell in Tartarus – and no more tonic. You win, Luna.’
But Luna smiled and said, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Heh.’
Tirek sighed.
‘Cheer up,’ said Cadence. ‘You can help me flog the prisoners before returning! Right, Tia? Come on, it’ll be fun!’
‘No, no,’ said Celestia. ‘I’m afraid it’s straight back to clink, as they say.’
Luna frowned. ‘This is weird again. It doesn’t feel – right. All that . . . for this? Sitting here, drinking tonic? All those days just to wind up here, outside the castle, on the wall, drinking?’
Celestia chuckled.
‘True. All for nothing,’ she said. ‘And yet to me it feels like something. And isn’t that just the greatest ending?’
‘No,’ said the others in unison, and Celestia laughed with them.
Author's Note
Life is short, but always shorter than you think it is.
Gambling takes a special kind of arrogance; it means you think you have a chance.
