Behind the Bleeding Veil

Fluttershy sat on her bed in her dorm and fumed. The long drive back had done nothing soothe her down nor did the nap she took when she had gotten back. Inside her was still a smoldering anger that threatened to ignite into a raging fire at the slightest coaxing. And if she were to be completely honest, she wished someone would come along and give that ever so slight breath needed to bring forth her full fury upon the world. She felt like she needed to unload, to spew out her venom (to change metaphors), on. Someone to be her release valve. Preferably a stranger so she wouldn't have to apologize later to.

It was in this frame of mind that she looked up and over to the door when she heard the knocking. Furious at having her solitude intruded upon but grateful for the potential to unleash on to some one. The knocks were weak. Whoever was knocking was using just enough force to be heard but not enough to seem urgent or demanding. It was quite thoughtful knocking (if knocking on a door could be thoughtful). Maybe it was a friend. If so, she began to think about how wise it would be to go full psycho on them (no matter how much she felt like she needed to).

"Fluttershy, darling, it's me, Rarity. Are you in there?"

Rarity's voice was weak and small; almost apologetic. It struck Fluttershy as curious. Maybe Rarity was unsure as to whether she should be here? She was here though. She had driven here all the way from California to here. Looking at the time, she must have headed out early in the morning. Possibly as soon as she got home and found out Fluttershy had left. Why? Sisterly love perhaps? Fluttershy was now more curious than angry (but she still was that).

"Why are you here?" she asked back in a voice that said that Rarity's company was definitely not welcomed.

"I am concerned about you darling, worried in fact. Father said you came home last night and took off in a huff. I'm your sister, more importantly, I'm your friend. Please, just open the door?"

Fluttershy got and walked to the door at a pace that would allow her curiosity and anger reach some sort of mutual arrangement by which they could both coexist and not cancel each other out.

She got to the door, opened it quickly, and said, "There, door's opened, you've seen me, now leave". She went to close the door fast but Rarity put her hand up, not to block the door but just in the "stop" position. Fluttershy did just that; she stopped shutting the door. She looked at Rarity and saw that something was wrong, deeply wrong. Her face was lined with regret and sadness. Her eyes pleaded to be let; that she needed to talk beyond just finding out what was wrong with Fluttershy. Even if she had really wanted to; Fluttershy couldn't turn Rarity away like this.

"Come on in," she said briskly and started walking back to her bed.

Rarity tentatively walked in and closed the door behind her. She turned to Fluttershy who was already sitting on her bed. "I just want to know what happened between you and Rainbow Dash; that's all." Once again, her voice sounded weak and pleading. She appeared broken and small.

"You could have asked her yourself," Fluttershy responded in the same short, annoyed manner she had before.

"But then I would have only gotten her side of the story; not yours."

She was lying. Maybe not completely; but it was in large part a lie. Fluttershy knew it. Still, she was more curious than angry now and decided it was now best to just talk and let them both put everything out on the table.

"Last night, at the show I took Rainbow to, while we were waiting; this guy, creep,thing , shows up from no where, across the street and just starts giving us the evil eye. Rainbow tells me to stay where we were at and she goes over to him. They disappear in to an alley, suddenly, thunder, lightning, and then Rainbow comes out but the thing doesn't. I asked her what was going on but she refused to tell me." Fluttershy spoke in a flat, almost news anchor type voice with just a hint of the anger that was simmering beneath.

"That's . . . odd ," Rarity said searching for the right words to say while trying to sort out here own feelings.

"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT'S FUCKING ODD," Fluttershy shouted, finally venting some of her pent up anger.

Rarity winced. She had seen Fluttershy in all types of states but never like this. What happened last night had been strange but that did not account for the sheer extremity of emotion that was now on full display.

Fluttershy seemed to also recognize the power of her outburst. She breathed a quick, deep breath and continued. "We fought together. Side by side. We fought demons, monsters, ghosts, crazed cultists. Everything she and I, we have been through together; and there she was, keeping something secret from me, protecting me. It was then I realized, I'm always going to be the little shy girl to her, to all of them. That nothing we've gone through matters. I'm still just little old Fluttershy." Fluttershy lowered her head and closed her eyes. She had to block everything else out now in order to continue.

"I'm thinking of and planning on changing my name. You know why? Because I hate Fluttershy. Not just as a name, but also because of who she represents. Fluttershy is a weak, cowardly, little girl. She was forged by an alcoholic and abusive mother. She never stood up for herself, cried herself to sleep almost every night, and tried to keep as many people away as possible because she didn't want anyone to find out she was being abused. Oh, not because she was afraid of what her mother might do to her, oh no; but because they might take her mother away from her." Fluttershy gave a quick, bitter laugh.

"You know, when they told me she had died last year; I actually cried?" she asked as fresh tears began to run down her cheeks. Tears of bitter self hatred for actually feeling sorrow at the passing of one who had tortured her so. "Huh, can you believe that? I cried. I felt sorrow, and even felt fucking guilty. Fucking bullshit.

"So, yeah, I hate who I was, who 'Fluttershy' has come to stand for. I have done everything in my power to move away from being that girl, that person. I mean, look at me for Christ's sake. Listen to the music I Iisten to now. Do I look like that weak, little girl? No. More importantly, I'm not that person inside anymore. I'm confident, I take no shit from anybody. I've dropped guys twice my size before, without the benefit of supernatural powers by the way.

"And yet it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I look like, what I sound like, what I've been through; to Rainbow Dash, to all of them, I am for now and ever Fluttershy. I can't grow, I can't change, I can't be anything other than what I was and I hated who I was. I left because I felt like I was being chained to an anchor I no longer wished to carry. More importantly; I left because I felt it was my friends who were the ones who were trying to do the chaining."

Fluttershy looked up and into Rarity's eyes. "So, what's your story. I know you have one. It's written all over your face."

Rarity bowed her head, walked over, and sat beside Fluttershy. "I had sex with Apple Jack." Her voice was so small that it sounded like a whisper.

"Ok, and? We all figured you two were going to. What? - Did it suck?" Fluttershy was now annoyed at how lame Rarity's confession was.

Rarity turned to Fluttershy with an expression that was equal parts hurt and enraged. "How dare you! I am a straight woman. I am attracted to men. That is who I am! Alright? I am a heterosexual woman who just had sex with another woman. Don't you realize how, how wrong that is?"

"You're a woman who had sex with some one she's been having an off on thing with since she was a kid. Rarity, no offense but, you and Apple Jack make a great couple. You balance each other out in a way I've never seen before. I mean if Apple Jack was a man you'd . . ."

"We'd be married by now. I know. But she is not a man and I can't. I love her, I want to be with her, even the sex was amazing, but I can't. Before I didn't know. I didn't know what I would be losing; now I do. I slept with some one and realized I love them more than anyone else and I can't be with them ever again because I just can't bring myself to be a lesbian."

Fluttershy was surprised by the sheer anguish in Rarity's voice. How could she possibly be that tormented? "Being a little over dramatic don't you think there?" she asked.

"And like you're not! 'Oh, my best friend since forever is keeping a secret from me so instead of talking to her; I'm just going to runaway from everybody because oh boo-hoo me'!"

"Hey! It's more than that! I just told you why I got offended and left!"

"Exactly! It's always more than that because it's you that's having to deal with it." Rarity stopped and breathed; allowing herself to calm down. "Listen, we all have our own head trips and drama; and to us, it's always different than what anyone else's is because we are the ones dealing with it. I can't totally understand where you're coming from, but I understand that it's major to you. What I'm dealing with is major to me. So even if you don't think it is; at least know it is to me."

Fluttershy nodded. She actually did know what Rarity meant. "I'm sorry Rarity. Listen, I appreciate you being here. I needed to talk. I still do. Thanks for being here."

"It's ok darling. I needed this as much as you did. We can go back if you want. Talk it out with the others."

Fluttershy shook her head. "No. Maybe next year, but not now. I got to figure myself out. Maybe it's time to relinquish the power of friendship. At least with them. Let the past die. Kill it if you have to."

"That's a great line there Flutterhsy. That should be a line in a movie."

Fluttershy smiled. "It's not that good. But, hey, who knows. Hollywood has written worse crap than that before."

They both laughed. It felt good to laugh.