Spike yawned and rubbed at his sleepy eyes.“Usually the mail mare doesn’t come this early,” he murmured.A moment later he heard again the polite tapping knock at the Castle’s front entrance.The baby dragon opened the door just a crack.There in front of him stood a young, six foot tall dragon.The drake was garbed in leather armor that had been battle tested.Around the drake’s neck was a talisman made up of a wrench flanked by two tiny red balls. In his right hand the stranger carried a shillelagh, and in his left he gripped a large tome bursting with sheaves of paper.The newcomer beamed down at Spike.“Good morning, Brother.”
The smaller dragon blinked and squinted up into the darkness at the strange visitor.“What?”
“I said good morning, Brother.It is a beautiful day in Patches’s Country.”
“Uh, I guess so.What can I do for you?”
“Well Bro--"
“Call me Spike.”
“Well, Brother Spike, I am the Green Leper.I am the herald of the greatest being that has ever thrown a dodgeball.I am, of course, speaking of Patches O’Houlihan.Praise be unto him.”The taller dragon bowed his head in reverence.The Green Leper looked at Spike and asked, “May I come in so that I may enlighten the denizens of this castle about the Great Wrench Chucker?”
Still groggy from sleep, Spike considered slamming the door in the herald’s face.There were two reasons that stopped him from doing just that.The first, this was the most polite dragon he had ever encountered.Even Ember wasn’t this well mannered.The second reason was that Twilight would find out that he had turned away a potential friend and guest.She had a knack for finding these friendship things out.So, fighting back a loud sigh, Spike nodded. When the guest entered the castle, Spike gagged and threw up a little in his mouth.“Sweet Heavenly Celestia.What is that smell?”
The Green Leper smiled. “Oh, that’s probably me.The Great Paraplegic one does not bathe and drinks his own urine.”
“Why?” croaked Spike
“It’s sterile, and he likes the taste.And I must admit, the stuff does grow on you after a few weeks.”
“What have I done?” thought Spike.
**************************
“Twilight, Twilight wake up.”
The alicorn groaned and slowly opened her eyes.“Spike, what’s wrong?What time is it?”
“You gotta help me,” pleaded the baby dragon.“I let this other dragon in the castle.He calls himself the Green Leper.He smells terrible, and he keeps going on and on about this weird Patches O’Houlihan guy.I can’t take it anymore.None of what he’s saying is making any sense.Please make him leave.”The words tumbled out of her assistant’s mouth faster than Rainbow Dash could drink cider.
Twilight was silent for a moment before asking, “Patches O’ who?”
“O’Houlihan.Come on, at least talk to this guy so I don’t have to.”
“Alright, alright, tell him I’ll be right there.”
**************************
A few minutes later, Twilight and Spike entered the main study of her castle.There, like her assistant had said, was the Green Leper.The emerald-scaled drake was pouring over several pieces of parchment and muttering to himself about Hookers and Average Joes.So enraptured was the taller dragon that he did not hear the pony or younger drake enter.
Twilight cleared her throat.
The drake raised his head and beamed at the Princess.“Ah, Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle, good morning. May Patches smile his crooked, black smile down upon you this day.”
The alicorn returned the smile hesitantly.“Uh, thanks.You too, I guess.”Twilight approached the newcomer and stopped dead in her tracks.The stench coming from the green dragon was overpowering.Her eyes began to water and burn.
The Green Leper saw the tears forming in the pony’s eyes.“You feel it now, don’t you?”
“Feel what?” asked Twilight as she wiped her face.
“Don’t hide your emotions, Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle.The Spirit of Patches O’Houlihan has come upon you and thou art filled with emotions that thou hast yet to understand.I did not expect the wheel-bound master to move so swiftly.Oh, curse my doubting heart.I am not worthy to dodge the next wrench life throws at me.”
With Spike’s help, Twilight sat down at the table.“I’ll make you some coffee and get us some clothes pins,” the baby dragon said over his shoulder as he left the room.
“Spike!” the alicorn said indignantly. “I’m sorry about him.”
The older dragon chuckled.“It’s alright, Sister Princess Twilight. That is how I received my ball name.”
Twilight blinked away the worst of the mustard-like gas.“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Being the herald of a god, you are not always well-received in some communities.I am the first member of the Orthodox Church of Patches, and it is my duty to spread the great one’s teachings.I have spoken the word of Patches to the dragons of my home, but . . . things did not go as hoped.The name ‘Green Leper’ I do not believe was given to me out of respect.Dragons treat me as though I have that unfortunate skin disease and want nothing to do with me.They have yet to accept the Dodge Ball deity into their lives and mock his message, messenger, and teachings.But blessed are those who bring word of the cosmic game, for they shall be known as Holy Joes.‘Green Leper’ is a name I value above all others.”
The alicorn frowned, “Dodge ball deity?Orthodox Church of Patches?”
“Yes.”The green drake rifled through the papers on the table until he found the document he was looking for.He handed Twilight a scroll that depicted a crude drawing of an old leprechaun wearing a leather jacket bound to a wheelchair with both his middle fingers raised in salute.Underneath the rude sketch were the words ‘The Five Pillars of the Cosmic Game.Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.’
Twilight frowned, a million questions running through her brain.“Why is dodge written twice?”
“I shall quote the Book of Patches,” declared the Green Leper.He grabbed a different piece of parchment and glanced at the alicorn sheepishly.“The Book of Patches is still a work in progress.”The drake cleared his throat.‘“Now listen up you queers.There are Five D’s in Dodge Ball; dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.If you’re too damn stupid to remember these five things, just remember to Dodge. Without dodge you don’t have dick, and you might as well suck on one if you play and don’t dodge.Dodge is the alpha and the omega in the cosmic game of dodge ball.If you can master the art of the dodge, the rest of the D’s are easier than a twenty-dollar hooker at Mardi Gras.”The dragon then bowed his head and murmured, “The word of Patches for the ponies of Patches.Praise be to Patches.”When the drake glanced at the Princess, he was surprised to see a horrified look on her face.“Is something wrong, Sister Princess?”
Twilight wanted to scream at her guest.She wanted to know what kind of nonsense this dragon was pedaling. The alicorn was very thankful Spike hadn’t heard any of the reading.The Princess bit back her initial scathing question and instead said, “Uh, that’s . . . different.Tell me more about Patches.Where did he come from?”
The Green Leper blinked.“Interesting, most of the time the other dragons throw me out of their homes at this point in my teachings.”
The Princess fought not to roll her eyes.It was not hard for her to imagine why most sane dragons had asked this zealot to leave.She glanced up to see her assistant bring the promised items.She accepted the coffee with a smile and declined the clothes pin with a glare.
“Fourteen years ago Patches O’Houlihan came to this realm.I found him underneath a strange sign that depicted a grinning face, a rainbow, a pot of gold, and the words ‘The Luck of the Irish Bar and Grill.’
Spike was about to leave the room again, but when he heard these words he slowly turned around. “What the h---“
“How did he end up there?” asked the alicorn.
The older dragon bit his lower lip and looked down at his feet.“Honestly, I’m not sure. He did tell me this though.'Son, I have no idea where I am, how I got here, what you are, or why I can shit pots of gold and fly around like that blue, pajama-wearing faggot with an ‘S’ on his tits.But I can say this.That sign killed me, and I was spared from hell-fire for one reason.To teach the cosmic game of Dodge Ball.’”
As soon as Twilight figured out that her guest was quoting Patches again, she plugged Spike’s ears with her magic.
“Hey!” Spike yelled indignantly.
“Green Leper, could you please not use such language in my home?I don’t want Spike to learn anymore bad words.”
“My apologies, Sister Princess Twilight, but my father has always been a rather coarse individual.”
“Be that as it may, that doesn’t excuse . . . .”Twilight paused, releasing her magical grip on Spike.“Wait, this Patches O’Houlihan is your dad?”
The older dragon nodded.“I never knew my real father or mother.Before Father Patches adopted me, I was one of Dragonlord Torch’s wards.The day I found the Master of All Things Dodgeball, I had run away from Torch’s court.Those other dragons never really treated me with a lot of respect, and they made fun of me when I suggested that we play other sports that didn’t involve throwing rocks and wrestling.”
“I can understand that,” chimed Spike.
“Once I freed Patches, I was surprised to find he had no injuries . . . other than he couldn’t walk.He regaled me about this place called Earth.He told me how he was a coach going from town to town teaching the game of games.How he was wounded and lost the use of his legs in battle at a place called Nam.And how when he was old, he led a squad of Average Joes to vanquish a team of Purple Cobras at a place called Vegas.How he spoke beyond the grave to the team captain during the round of sudden death.And finally, when his soul was about to perish in Hell, God intervened and told him to put together another squad of Joes.”
The green dragon’s voice grew more passionate with each sentence until he was nearly shouting.
Spike and Twilight exchanged a nervous glance.It might have been the Princess’s imagination, but the room seemed to have gotten darker, and every sound was amplified.
“For at the end of all things, good and evil will meet for one final, ultimate game of dodgeball for the fate of the universe.”
The candles on the table went out when a great gust of wind burst through the shutters of a nearby window.
Spike jumped five feet in the air and hid behind the pony.“W-When is this game supposed to happen?”
The older drake fixed his younger cousin with a penetrating stare.“Nopony in this realm knows the season or the field upon which the cosmic game will be played.But the King of Wrenches shall reveal himself to the captain of his team when his name is spoken in front of a mirror three times by a true believer of his word.”
The wind calmed and dissipated when the older dragon finished speaking.Twilight took note of this and shook her head.Surely he had not conjured those breezes on his own.He was just a crazy dragon.The lack of sleep was really starting to get to her.“So what do you want from us?”she asked crankily.“Do you want us to speak Patches’s name into a mirror three times?Is that it?”
“Well, if you don’t mind, it would certainly be appreciated.”The Green Leper looked out the window and stared at Ponyville.“I have been looking for the team captain for several years.Once he or she is found, my quest will be at an end.For you see, when the great O’Houlihan adopted me, he gave me my purpose. I am not only the blessed green one’s herald, but also his scouting agent and holy bench warmer for the coming cosmic game.”
Leaning over to whisper to her assistant, the alicorn said, “Spike, go find a mirror.The sooner we play his game the sooner he leaves.”
“Uh, right,” Spike replied uncertainly.
Less than a minute later, the little dragon returned with a small hand mirror.Using her magic the Princess levitated the looking glass and eyed her own reflection.“So, what do I say?”
The Green Leper was tittering.“Just say ‘Patches O’Houlihan’ three times.I’m sorry, but I’m just so very excited.Just imagine if the Princess of Friendship is the captain of the Great One’s team.”
Twilight looked at older dragon and back to the mirror.A growing concern had taken root in her heart.What if this was some sort of ploy to release some monster into the realm?Granted she had no clue how a creature could be released from a normal, non-magical, mirror.But when one deals with magic . . . .Steeling herself, Twilight gazed at herself and repeated the name Patches O’Houlihan three times.
Twilight, Spike, and the Green Leper waited with bated breath for several seconds.Spike was the first to break the silence. “Is he here?”
“He’s not in the mirror,” replied the Princess.
The older dragon shook his head in disappointment.“No, he’s not here.I’m sorry, Sister Princess Twilight.But it appears you are not to be the team captain.”
The alicorn breathed a sigh of relief.“Well darn.I guess that’s it then.”
As soon as Twilight gave the mirror back to Spike, the baby dragon asked slowly.“Uh, Twilight.Should I try?”
The Green Leper frowned.“Brother Spike, I’ve asked many a drake and wyrm to look into a mirror and repeat the holy one’s name.None have succeeded in summoning Patches.But, I can see you are not like other dragons.I can see it in your heart that you believe.It would gladden me to no end if it would be my father’s wish for the captain to be a dragon.”
The Princess laughed.“If you want to try, go ahead.Just don’t be too disappointed.”
Steeling himself, Spike looked into the eyes of his own reflection and called out the Leprechaun god’s name three times with power and authority.
For exactly six seconds nothing happened.Twilight began to speak, but as soon as the words began to form, a voice from the mirror said, “Oh, my sweet dick, please tell me you’re not the one who spoke my name just now?”
Recoiling in fright, Spike dropped the mirror.Twilight enveloped the mirror with her magic just before it could shatter on the ground.Both dragons ran over to the pony, and all three gazed down in wonder at the old, crippled leprechaun scowling back at them.The weathered ancient face turned to look at his herald. “Son, did you really just tell a sawed-off, tit-sucking hoarder whore to summon me?”
“Yes, father. He wanted to try.”
“And if a fu#$ing orangutan wanted to try and bite your face off, would you encourage it?Jesus, Mary, and Macintosh! What the hell were you thinking, boy?”
“Enough!”shouted Twilight.The pony had placed both her hooves over Spike’s ears.“What’s going on?Are you Patches?”
“Damn skippy.And who the hell are you?”
“Father, please. This is Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle.The Princess of Friendship.”
The leprechaun was quiet for a few moments.“Well, shit. And apparently she ain’t a believer.Is she?”
“No, father.”
“Did you show her the five D’s?”
“Yes, father.”
“Did you tell her about the cosmic game and the end of all things if our team loses?”
“Yes, father.”
“And for some reason you thought it was a good idea to tell a child all this crap and give him a mirror?What the hell did you think would happen?Kids are little retards that believe whatever you tell them.I need a captain, not a F*#k trophy.”
“I’m sorry, father.But Spike is very intelligent for his age.And if the stories are true, he’s saved the Crystal Empire and helped save Equestria itself many times.”
The old leprechaun sagged in his wheel chair and rubbed his eyes.“We’re doomed.”
Letting go of Spike’s head, Twilight’s horn glowed menacingly.“If somepony doesn’t tell me right now what’s going on, I’ll banish the two of you.”
Patches rolled his eyes. “Whatever.What’s done is done.The bed is made and we gotta bone whatever’s in there.I’ll be over in a dick flick.”
And with that O’Houlihan’s image vanished, and there was a loud thumping on Twilight’s front door.“Nasty Gram!” yelled the old familiar voice of the dodgeball master from the other side.
“All praise be unto Patches, my ball and bulwark against the purple cobra, who causes my talons to play and arms to throw. He is my coach and crew, the one who drives me to dodge. Smite the cobras, oh deity of the dodge, so that us Joes may dwell on thy courts in peace. In your name I pray. Amen.”
The Green Leper breathed deeply and exhaled when the prayer was complete. He turned to see his adopted father who was staring at him in contempt. “I’m right here. You don’t have to rub out prayers into the void when I’m five feet from ya.”
“I’m sorry, father. But I have gotten into the habit of praying to you each day. It is the first thing I do when I rise to carry out your will, and it is the last thing I do before I close my eyes. Without prayer I feel like I am not being a good Joe.”
“Hey, other than making the world’s smallest God damn lizard the team captain for the most important game in the universe, you’re doing fine. In fact, I’d promote you to grand wrench-pope if ya hadn’t of screwed the pooch so hard.”
“Fear not, Your Grace. I am confident that we will drink from the chalice of victory when the dust settles,” replied the emerald dragon confidently.
“We’ll see.” The Leprechaun lord looked at his golden Rolex and scowled. “Where is that little bastard? Did you tell him to meet us here on the fu*#ball court?”
“I think the ponies call it buckball, sire. And yes, I did tell brother Spike to meet us at o’ seven hundred hours.”
“Well, he ain’t here.”
The Green Leper took a swig from his gallon piss jug. “He’ll be here. Just have some patience, father.”
Biting back a scathing reply, Patches wrenched his own jug of yellow fluid from the back of his wheelchair. Before he could down any of the warm bubbly goodness, a little dragon and a purple alicorn blinked into his presence.
“You’re late,” growled Patches.
“Sorry,” Twilight replied. “I just realized that you meant seven o’clock in the morning and . . . what are you two drinking?”
After taking a hit from his jug, Patches smiled crookedly. “Just some loo livations.”
The alicorn stared at the dragon and Leprechaun in growing horror. “Sweet Celestia, that is so gross.”
Patches rolled his eyes. “Oh, so a dog can lick his nuts and it’s cute, but if me and my son want to enjoy the fruits naturally produced by our bodies that’s wrong.” The man in green belched and threw his piss jug behind his back. “I thought you ponies were more evolved than that.”
“No, I’m pretty sure everyone would find that disgusting. No matter what they are or where they came from,” Spike replied.
Patches glared at the smaller dragon for a moment before shrugging. “Your loss. Now put this on. We got a lot of training to do.” Patches snapped his fingers. A set of padded leather armor and a helmet with a faceplate materialized before Spike. “You’re going to need that.”
After putting on his armor with the Green Leper’s help, the young dragon’s lessons began in earnest.
“In the cosmic game layed out by God and Satan there are five Ds. Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.” The words were crudely written on a black chalkboard, and each time the paraplegic spoke, he smacked the board with a metal pointer. He glanced at his audience and snarled, “What do you want, Twilight? Make it quick.”
The pony put her hoof down and looked up from her notes. “Who is God? And who is Satan?”
“For our purposes, God is the owner and CEO of our team. He is my boss, the one I have to answer to if we don’t win.”
“I thought you were God,” Spike chimed in.
“Small ‘g,’ son. I’m the god of Dodge ball. I got the plaque to prove it.” The Leprechaun deftly produced a golden plaque bearing his credentials.
Twilight scanned the plaque while muttering. “In recognition of past services on Earth and your proficiency at ball-handling, I, your heavenly father, hereby lone you a fraction of a fraction of my divinity and power so ye may best and smite my arch enemy in the cosmic game of dodge ball. The one known as Patches O’Houlihan shall resurrect in the realm of Equestria and gather unto him his team of Joes and shall approach the ruler of the realm and make a covenant to secure the recruiting rights. So it is written, so it shall be.” The alicorn blinked. “Signed, GOD.”
Patches nodded. “Keep reading.”
The pony sighed heavily but obeyed. Her eyes widened when she got to the second half of the plaque. “I, Princess Celestia, recognize and accept the divinity of Patches O’Houlihan and grant him authority to recruit willing individuals within the realm of Equestria for the defense of said realm in a game of dodgeball. Signed, Princess Celestia.”
Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes as she stared at her mentor’s signature. “I can’t believe she signed this.”
The Leprechaun shrugged. “Oh, she didn’t believe me either, at first. Otherwise she’d be on this team instead of the purple lizard. So I had to sweeten the deal by putting Equestria on the gold standard by shipping 90% of my golden $h1t nuggets to Canterlot.”
Spike frowned. “So . . . all those bits that everypony uses have come from . . . from . . .
“My ass, where do you think all that shiny goodness was coming from? It sure as hell wasn’t the damn gryphons, I’ll tell ya that. 15 years of prune juice, apples, and baked beans adds up to a literal mountain of gold. Why, one tenth of the Apple Family’s entire harvest comes to my doorstep each year.”
Spike stared at his claws and had a sudden urge to scrub them for forever.
Twilight shook her head to get the disturbing images out of her mind. She changed the subject by asking, “Okay, so who is Satan?”
“That’s enough with the questions, sister. It’s time for the P.E. part of this crash course,” replied Patches. “Hand me my wrenches, boy.”
The Green Leper casually walked behind the Leprechaun with a giddy grin on his face. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I’ve been looking forward to this all day. You’re in for a treat, brother Spike.”
From seemingly out of nowhere, the drake pulled out a large duffel bag from behind Patches’ wheelchair. With a muffled metallic clank, he set the pack down in front of his father. He unzipped the bag and handed the dodgeball deity a large, adjustable wrench.
Spike eyed the wrench and frowned. “What’s that for?”
Patches tested the wind by sticking a finger in his mouth and holding it up in the air. “If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball.” He held the wrench close and uttered some guttural words. The tool began to glow an ominous green.
“What?” asked Spike and Twilight.
Grinning like a mad man, the Leprechaun launched the wrench at the little dragon.
Twilight reacted quickly. She conjured a purple hamster bubble around Spike just before the blunt object could hit. But much to the alicorn’s horror, the wrench past through the barrier and impacted in the center of the dragon’s chest.
The little drake gave an audible “oof” of surprise and was pushed several feet backwards before toppling onto his back.
“Are you insane?” screamed Twilight. Fighting back the urge to blast the cripple from his wheelchair, the pony galloped to where her friend lay. “Spike, Spike, can you hear me? Are you okay?”
Spike stared up at the clouds and blinked. “Uh . . . yeah. I’m fine. In fact it doesn’t hurt at all.” A broad smile covered his face behind his helmet. “Can we do that again.”
“Hell yeah, we’re gonna do it again. And again and again until you start dodging the bastards.” Patches yelled over to where Spike was. “The goal is not to get hit. But don’t try catching em. We’ll work on that later.”
“How’s the armor working, brother Spike?” asked the Green Leper.
Shrugging off a helping hoof from Twilight, Spike got to his feet. “It works great.” Spike looked at the older dragon and for the first time noticed that his fellow drake was wearing armor not dissimilar to his own. “Did you make this leather suit?”
“Yes. And let me tell you it took some time to make. The dragon enchantments had to be perfect. It’s stronger than steel but lighter than cotton. Near impact proof and adjusts to the size and shape of whoever wears it.”
Patches scoffed and whispered to his son. “If we were doing this my way, he’d be blind folded and not wearing that P^&sy suit.”
“I know, father. But if he gets hurt before the big game, that’s not so good either.”
“They’re just wrenches, for God’s sake. It’s not like I’m shooting at him. And he’s a dragon. I thought dragons were supposed to be tough.”
Before the two could carry on their hushed conversation, Spike and Twilight walked over to the pair.
Glaring at Patches, Twilight asked, “What was that green magic you put on that wrench? You could have really hurt Spike if that had hit him in the face.”
“First of all, that was just a little bit of Leprechaun voodoo. It’s power on loan from God, which works on a completely different wavelength then Equestrian mojo.” Before Twilight could ask another question, Patches continued. “Secondly, my training is the only thing that’s going to keep this universe humming along. If I gotta throw wrenches at your boy to win the cosmic game, I’m gonna throw my God damn wrenches, cause that’s how I mold boys into Joes. So yes, he may get hit in the face. He might get a bloody nose. Hell, he might even grow a second penis, who knows? But he won’t die while he’s with me. I promise you that. I need Spike to be at his best when he goes up against the other side. ‘Cause they won’t take it easy on him or his teammates. So back off and let me do my job.”
The alicorn’s lips thinned as she regarded the dodgeball coach. She didn’t say anything for a few heartbeats until at last she looked to her friend. “Spike, do you still want to do this? You don’t have to.”
“Uh, actually Sister Tw--" started the Green Leper.
“He doesn’t have to.” Twilight repeated with more than a little firmness.
The Alicorn felt the talons of Spike gently beckoning her away from Patches. “It’s okay, Twilight. I’ll be alright.”
The pony looked down at the determined face of her lifelong friend. “Spike.” Twilight took a deep breath and mustered her thoughts. “I just don’t want you getting hurt. I’m really worried about you training with . . . with that.” Twilight pointed right at Patches throwing all discretion to the wind. “I don’t see how throwing wrenches at you is going to help you.”
Spike shrugged. “Beats me, but this is something I know I can do. I feel it in my heart. Patches is here for a reason. Celestia wouldn’t have given him permission to put together a team if she didn’t think trouble was coming.”
Twilight thought about that revelation for a moment. “True.”
“And besides,” said Spike. “I won’t be alone in this.” The little dragon looked at his dodgeball coach nervously. “Will I?”
“Are you kidding?” asked Patches. “You’d be eaten alive out there by yourself. The cosmic game is a team sport, which means you need a team.”
Spike’s eyes lit up. “Can I pick my teammates?”
The Leprechaun stared at the little dragon. “That depends. Are you still my captain?”
Spike looked at Twilight for only a moment before nodding solemnly. “Yes, I am.”
Patches grinned, his black and golden teeth reflecting the sunlight. “Good.”
