"Oh, Crap, it's the Revenuers!"
“Spike! Get up!” Twilight Sparkle cried, violently shaking his basket side to side with her hoof. “It’s the best day of the year!”
“Wh-wha!?” sputtered Spike, sitting up quickly and meeting Twilight’s ecstatic gaze with his own bloodshot one. “I-it’s Hearth’s Warming again already!?”
Twilight blew a dismissive raspberry down at him. “Of course not. It’s April 15! Tax day!”
Spike let out a long groan and collapsed backwards into his basket as Twilight began hopping around the room, jumping from hoof to hoof in jubilation. “Come on, Twilight, you’re not even a CPA. Why do you always insist on processing the entire town’s tax returns?”
Twilight stopped and whirled around toward Spike, displaying a cheeky grin. “It has to be me. Somepony else might get it wrong...And it will continue to be me for the foreseeable future! Now, come on, there’s work to be done!” Twilight bolted out of Spike’s room in an energetic gallop.
Sighing softly, Spike arose and completed his morning routine. After refreshing himself, he plodded softly down the crystalline stairs of Ponyville Castle onto the ground floor. He walked past the library, already abuzz with the sounds of frantic paper-flipping and pen-scratching, and into the kitchen, where he prepared a pot of very strong coffee.
Balancing the coffee and two mugs carefully on an ornate tray, he tiptoed into the library and placed the setup gently on Twilight’s working table: a monolithic gem with a translucent surface now almost entirely covered by a flurry of haphazardly-tossed forms, receipts, and bank statements.
Twilight’s horn lit up and she sucked down her first mug of coffee in a few seconds. Using her magic aura to refill her mug, her eyes flickered back and forth as they scanned a large spreadsheet. “Aha!” she cried suddenly, her wings flaring out in excitement.
Spike had to duck quickly to avoid his coffee being splashed onto him.
“I have noticed an anomaly!” Twilight crowed triumphantly, tapping a hoof repeatedly on the sheet.
“Alright, don’t hurt yourself, Twilight. What did you find?”
“This is the fourth year in a row that Sweet Apple Acres has posted a fiscal loss.”
“And?” Spike asked, stirring some cream into his mug. “The apple business is a hard one, why does that surprise you?”
“Because there’s clearly something fishy going on with their finances. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be in business!”
Spike let out a tired sigh. “Have you considered that maybe...just maybe...they’re running the farm off of savings?”
Twilight choked back a laugh. “Good one, Spike. Do you really think anyone in that family has the financial literacy to open a savings account, much less be able to absorb four years of loss? No, there’s only one business in the galaxy that gets you this rich…”
Spike treasuringly cupped his mug between his claws and took a long sip from it. “...Pony trafficking? Organized crime? Graft? Pyramid schemes? Defrauding investors?”
Twilight narrowed her eyes as she thought about the possibilities. “Only one business available to country yokels with an eighth grade education,” she corrected. “And we’re going to catch her in the act tonight.”
Spike groaned. “Does that mean…”
“Yes. It’s time for an audit...in person! But first, we have twenty-eight hundred more W-2s to process.”
Spike downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp.
A steady stream of clear liquid cascaded down a copper tube and into a mason jar. When it had been filled a quarter of the way up, Applejack picked up the jar between her teeth and tossed the liquid out a few feet away, where it sank into the leaf and stick-covered ground.
“Why’d ya do that, sis?” Applebloom asked from a few feet away, eyeing Applejack intently.
“Them’s called the heads. Got all the methanol in there,” Applejack replied after she placed the jar back under the stream. “Customers won’t come back if they go blind. It’s just like yer potion makin’- if you follow the steps correctly, everything will turn out right.” When the jar had filled, AJ slapped a cap on it with a hoof and closed it. “Ah remember I was about your age when Pa taught me the process. He told me once, ‘AJ, this here moonshine is a tradition, an one that makes us five times what cider does, so learn it well!’ Then we’d shoot wildly into the air and Ma’d come out and whoop him silly for keeping me out so late. What fine memories!”
“What did he have you do?” Applebloom asked.
“Mostly just carry boxes around. Speaking of which, Sugarcube, could you run back to the barn and grab a box for us to put these in?”
“Sure thang sis! Can I taste some later?”
“Absolutely not.”
Applebloom shrugged. “It was worth a shot!” Turning tail, she dashed along the trampled path out of the forest and soon disappeared into the cool night.
Applejack let out a long, contented sigh as she observed her old still, savoring the feel of the heat radiating from it against the backdrop of the chilly evening air.
Suddenly, she heard a whoosh echo from behind her and a set of hooves drop onto the forest floor. “Hey AJ! You got the stuff ready? This blue lightning needs her ‘white lightning’, if you know what I mean!”
Applejack spun around, furiously sushing the newcomer. “Be quiet Rainbow! Are ya trying to bring the whole town down on my head?” She closed another full jar and replaced it with an empty one as the distillation continued.
“Jeez, chill out AJ. It’s not like I was followed or anything.”
A loud magical pop signified the entry of another pony. “Everypony freeze!” Twilight bellowed. “This is a surprise audit!”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide as she looked at the new arrival. “Oh crap, the revenuers!” Leaping upwards, she shot into the sky and out of sight. Then, she slammed back into the ground, nabbing a jar of liquor in her hoof before bolting away once more.
“Well well well,” Twilight chided as Spike jumped off of her back. She began to circle the site like a hungry predator. “What are we working on all the way out here on public land, Applejack?”
“Ah...Ah just like to do some farm work out in the woods. Nature is calming, ya can’t sue me for liking to be among the trees.”
“You’re right, I can’t...although, you do live immediately next to an apple orchard,” Twilight spat back.
“Well, you know, this work involves some smoke, and...uh, I don’t want smoky apples, now do ah?” Applejack explained, stumbling pitifully for a response.
“Mhmm...and does this work involve the generation of revenue that one could leave off of their tax returns, thereby posting a loss and dodging the bulk of corporate taxes while still leaving one with enough money to maintain their farm and live a life of relative luxury?”
“Well shoot, Twi, I don’t understand none of them money words t’all!” Applejack poorly feigned.
Twilight looked back at Spike. “I told you that they weren’t financially literate.”
Spike looked up from the sheet on which he was furiously taking notes. “She’s obviously lying about the extent of her understanding if she’s involved in what you think she is, Twilight.”
Twilight gasped and turned back to Applejack, her eyes narrowing. “The element of honesty, lying about her language comprehension? For shame!”
“Look, Twilight, I’m not sure what ya think is going on here…”
“Bootlegging! You’re distilling bootleg liquor!”
“Now, ah resent that,” Applejack protested, stamping a hoof on the ground to accentuate her point. “Ah run a legitimate business out here!”
“Oh really?” Twilight mocked, using her magic to open a nearby plastic barrel. “I’m sure this container filled with apples, corn, sugar, and a yeast solution is just for some sort of composting, then? And I’m sure those mason jars are just for holding your jams, even though they’re off-season! And that large copper still behind you, well, that’s just a big modern art piece about the relationship between urban decay in a service-based economy and those still living a pastoral life, hmm!?”
Applejack blinked a few times. “So ah might make some alcohol, but it is strictly for use as fuel!” Quickly rummaging in a dented old container, she pulled out a scrap of paper. “I have my license right here! Cost me twenty bits at town hall.”
Twilight’s eyes scanned the crumpled, tattered document for a few moments before she looked back at Applejack. “Well, that’s great, AJ,” she cooed, smiling wickedly. “Of course, I’m sure that you’ve adulterated it with added methanol, as per regulations.” Picking up a jar of moonshine in her magic, Twilight unscrewed it and unceremoniously dumped half of it it down Spike’s throat.
Spike immediately fell to the ground in a choking fit, his eyes watering. “Twilight, why’d you do that!?” he coughed. “Ohhh, that was terrible...and now I might go blind!”
Twilight held up a hoof. “Wait for it…”
Spike burped, releasing a torrent of blue flame from his mouth. “Oh, man, that feels much better.”
“Hmm…” Twilight mused. “Pure blue flame- no methanol in there. It combusted almost immediately, too, and at a dragon’s stomach temperature, I’d say it’s almost 160 proof.”
Applejack chewed on her cheek for a moment, surprised by Twilight’s knowledge. “How’d the hay you reckon that?”
Spike stood up and brushed himself off. “She’s been making grand pronouncements of chemical facts ever since she got her correspondence degree in chemistry last week.”
“How many associate’s degrees do you have now, anyway?” Applejack asked Twilight.
“Four, and I’m two months from getting my executive MBA,” Twilight proudly stated. “However, that is NOT what we are talking about right now! You’re running a bootleg moonshine operation, which is illegal, lied on your tax forms, which is fraud, have no license to sell alcohol, have no standards for your product...Frankly, you making apple moonshine is just something that I can’t overlook under any circumstances! There must be righteous consequences for your actions! You’re going to have to face-”
“Ah’ll donate fifteen percent to the castle library.”
“...Net, or gross?”
“Gross.”
“Twenty percent.”
“Ah’ll meet you in the middle.”
“Sold.” Twilight looked over Applejack’s fuel distillation license again, her eyes taking in the detail. “Well, Applejack, everything seems to be in order, here.” She floated the scrap of paper back over to her relieved friend. “Have a nice evening.”
With that, Twilight disappeared in a violet pop of magic, leaving Spike behind.
“Well, guess I’m walking home,” Spike groaned, leaning backward and popping his back in a resigned manner. Plodding over to the stack of filled moonshine jars, he picked one up. “Just gonna take one of these, though.” With that, he began walking on the path out of the forest, whistling a slow tune as he went.
Applejack let out a breath she had been holding and diligently went about her work once more. Opening the top of her still, she used the immense strength she had gained from many years on the farm to pour another barrel of mash into the container. When that was done, she sealed the joints in the still with an oat mash, and wiped her forehead with the back of her hoof.
“This is the last dam run of likker ah’ll ever make,” she confessed, knowing full well that it wasn’t true.
Author's Note
I watched a bunch of a show called 'Moonshiners' a while ago and I had to write this.
Pappy made a batch o' corn,
the revenooers came,
the draught was slow, now they know,
they can't do that to Mame.
