Princess Twilight's Thoughts on Equestria Girls
Dear Hasbro
I have some issues I'd like to address regarding Equestria Girls. You know, that spin-off show you created only because you're running out of ideas for the original one. Please get back to me on this.
If we all have human counterparts (even including me, Twilight), then why doesn't Sunset have one? She managed to go years without anyone seeing two Sunsets running around because there weren't two fucking Sunsets running around! What, was it because she got to the stupid portal first?
I mean, I should get priority to be the only Twilight, being the Princess of Friendship and what-not, but no! Now, I'm a victim of identity theft! And now, she's being treated like she's the actual me! I mean, seriously?! And since she's an antagonist-turned-good, that fraud gets wings?! Hasbro, do something! It's one thing to give her pony ears, but it's another to give her fucking magical powers.
And also, speaking of wings and magic, why aren't Celestia and Luna alicorns? In this world, they're super important, in the other, they're just... There. Everything that happens there, the Rainbooms (and that undeserving alternate Twilight) have to fix. I mean, from everything Sunset has written in the journal, every day some crazy shit happens and they have to take care of it.
Why does anyone even attend Canterlot High anymore? After all the insane bullshit that went on there, everyone just acts like nothing happened. Like, a fucking demon hypnotized you, wrecked the school, got blasted by some other-worldly shit, and then more what-the-fucking-fuck stuff happens, and you still stay at that school. I swear, the humans are absolute idiots, especially Sunset.
I have no shame saying it: She thinks I want to hear about all of the weird things that go on over there, but I don't. I only read through that bullshit because Celestia forces me to, even though I can blast her through her fucking window using the Elements if I wanted to. Seriously, Sunset, I don't give a damn if your powers over-loaded. I wouldn't even care if you're telling me someone died. I would actually smile if it was that Sci-Twi bitch. Mark my words, the first chance I get, I'm going to go through that portal and throw that poser into oblivion.
Hasbro, you're so creative. Yeah, it was a great idea to have that other Twilight go through what Luna did after that Nightmare Moon thing. You followed the 'Nightmare Luna' formula perfectly. Here, look.
1. Turn into some demon-thing over jealousy or something
2. Battle with the protagonists (who are guaranteed to win because you said so)
3. Be turned back into normal selves
4. Apologize for the dumb shit they did when they were evil
5. Have everyone instantly forgive them
6. Be welcomed back into society (and even replace the fucking Princess of Friendship because you also said so)
7. Constantly be reminded of the evil demon they were
8. Finally get over it because the character's can't be depressed for more than a few episodes
Even Sunset follows these steps. Can't fool me, can you, Hasbro? Like, both Twilight's and Sunset's character depend on these steps, you know, since we need more reformed villains.
So, tell me, why does Starlight also not have a counterpart? And don't give me that 'she's from Crystal Prep' shit. Why is it always the villains who learn the true meaning of friendship who don't get a stupid counterpart? I am the fucking Princess of Friendship, and I get the most undeserving one. Why do you hate me?
You even made me look like a complete tone-deaf idiot in the first movie. When Starlight crossed the portal, she wasn't as confused as I was, and I told her nothing about that world. You even lied that I gave her my permission to stay in that world, when really, I told her she had to come back in the next few minutes or I would go through the portal and drag her back. And then the portal mysteriously closed for a few days. Good one, Hasbro. Good one.
Okay, so let's back up for a moment. Why in fucking fuck would you make music our ultimate power? Like, for the second installment, it was all about the music. But why music? And sirens? What are those?! They had absolutely no relation to the main show. To my show. To the better show. You know, the show with characters that have a decent fashion sense. Anyways, after watching it for the fourth time, I finally realized that sirens and music were linked and it kinda made sense, but then what happens?
The Friendship Games. Nope, music doesn't matter anymore, it won't help us win this contest. Of course, only the magical girls are chosen to make this a fair competition. And who's this movie's antagonist? That good-for-nothing Sci-Twi, who just happens to be your way of getting "me" back into the picture without making me go through a portal. That's why this is my least favorite movie: The real me isn't in it, and it's when we're introduced to that fucking identity thief.
This is less of a complaint than it is a thought of mine: The Rainbooms (wait, that was their band name. They don't play music anymore, but what the fuck) have the most useless powers of all time.
Seriously, having some magic powder that explodes things? It's powder, not a power. If I got my hooves on it, it'd work just fine because the magic isn't even inside Pinkie. It's just in that canister of explosive sprinkles.
Super speed can be done easily in this world. All you have to do is be really hyped up, super scared, or remember something important, and boom, you're practically human Rainbow Dash.
Talking to animals. Who wants to talk to them (unless they are the superior pony race)?! I mean, most of them will probably talk about meaningless crap since they're not as advanced as ponies. They're practically on the same level as the humans.
Making a diamond materialize out of thin air? How about being able to blast someone through a wall using nothing but your mind and a horn?
Looking into people's minds, or seeing their pasts, I don't know. But really, people need privacy. Especially if they've seen some traumatic shit.
And finally, that purple idiot. She just levitates things. Even a foal could do that. And she levitates things when she could just use her goddamn hands. Stop sitting on your lazy ass, using your magic to levitate the T.V. remote to you.
So, Hasbro, that's all the complaints I have, for now. Expect to be hearing from me again soon.
From the best pony ever,
Twilight Sparkle, graduate from Celestia's School of Gifted Unicorns, Celestia's Protege, and the most pretty pony princess the world has ever seen.
Author's Note
I had writer's block for weeks and then this popped into my head. I was thinking it was a terrible idea, but then I figured, why the heck not? Oh, and this was all written in one go. No planning, no editing, because it's midnight and I had to publish this idea before I forgot it.