OH MY HOLY FRICKEN STUPID CRAP

by Captain Emerald

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Team Fortress, Half Life, Self Insert, Profanity, Adventure, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Crossover, Death, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore
Length: 1981

So I was an dumbass and went to a con dressed as the Scout from tf2 and my buddie was dressed as a Combine from hl2 I guess you can tell what happend afterwards

So I was a dumbass and went to a con dressed as the Scout from TF2. My buddy was dressed as a Combine from HL2. There was a guy that told us he had something for us. That was my first mistake. He was selling replicas of the Combine and Scouts weapons for only ten bucks, so my buddy Mike and I each bought them. Suddenly there was pain in the back of my head and then black. Second mistake. Big second mistake.

cancelled due to me not doing anything with it for YEARS cuz finding motivation is a bitch, and cuz i don't remember where i was going with this

Published 2018-05-21 15:20:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-19 20:13:57 UTC

Well Shit...

{just inside the Everfree forest}

"Ugh, m-my everything, where am I, and how did I get here? " Why does everything feel wrong? And why do I sound like the Scout? We're in a forest dumbass, you just had to go and piss that Japanese guy off, didn't ya? Oh god this faggot.

"No shit Sherlock, and that Japanese guy started it, he's lucky that I didn't just go and piss ON him, why the hell am I even talking to you? Where's my dude? DUUUUDDEE!" This ground is very lumpy. We are currently standing on him.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FEET!?" Stop screeching, you wanna be somethings lunch? No, ok then so get a hold of yourself.

"Hey look he has his combine thing on still, I guess I still have costume on too. Should I wake Mike up?" He's gonna be pissed.

"I'm gonna wake him up anyway," I sucked in a huge lung full of air, the voice in my head is going to be so pissed, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUP!"

"AHHH! JESUS CHRIST! Was that really needed? What the hell happened to you, ya look like some half human half horse thing but you have wings, that just ain't right man," Mike responded to the rude wake up call.

"I have wings? Nice. First things first, when we get out of this forest I'm gonna try to learn how to fly with these things." is that really your reaction to being a different species not "OH MY GOD IM COVERED IN FUR AND HAVE WINGS AND PONY EARS!" hey, don't worry about it.

"Um, what are those things behind you?"

"What things Mike? Oh hey look, they're the replicas of the Scattergun, Bonk atomic punch and a baseball bat." I grabbed the scattergun and pulled the trigger. A loud bang came afterwards. "Holy shit! They're real!?"

"Look! I have the combines' weapons too, the pistol, an SMG, and a stun stick."

"After what just happened with the scattergun, those are probably real too. At least we have a way of defending each other." This is soooo cool!.

"SOMEPONY PLEASE HELP ME!" a female voice screamed.

"Or defending others. Let's go and help whoever is in trouble." Or die trying. I'm already done with your shit, and it hasn't even been half the day yet!

[no ones p.o.v]

"PLEASE, SOMEPONY HELP!" a yellow Pegasus mare screamed at the top of her lungs, running from the three headed beast know as the hydra. Just as the hydra was about to hurt the yellow mare, a figure jumped off a cliff just above one of the hydras' heads.

"YOLO BITCHESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!" the figure screamed, pulling out something that resembled metal pipes with a lever at the bottom.

*BANG*

The item flashed and threw projectiles at deadly speeds into the eye of one of the heads angering the creature, then another figure in some suit of armor and mask pulled the Pegasus mare into the safety of the tree line and pulled another metal looking object out and started firing the weapon at the hydra. The first figure running at incredible speeds, dodging any attack from the hydra effortlessly, while firing the weapon.

"I'M RUNNING CIRCLES AROUN' YOU!" the first figure said, appearing to be taunting the hydra, then a click came from the weapon instead of a bang. "Ah shit! I'm just about out of ammo, this is the last few rounds dude hurry up!"

"THEN GET OUT OF THE WAY DUMBASS, SO I CAN FIRE THIS THING!" the second figure said while loading something cylinder like underneath the main barrel of the weapon and then proceeded to fire it after the first one was out of the way.

*BOOM*

After the smoke cleared from the place the object landed, the hydra wasn't in that spot anymore, but pieces of it falling everywhere.

"Hey, um, did that thing hurt you in anyway, um, yellow winged horse?" the first figure said.

"Its a pony, Caden. It's clearly smaller than a horse, even then it's a Pegasus ya sped." The second armored figure said.

"H-hi m-my n-name's Fluttershy. Thank you for saving me but did you really have to kill it?" The timid Pegasus said.

"I mean, we didn't have to, but what's the fun in that," Caden said. "Oh and Mike, Caden ain't my name anymore. It's Scout now."

"Ok then, Scout, why don't you ask her where we are, and where the closest place of civilization is," Mike replied.

"I-if you follow me, I can show you how to get to Ponyville. If that's all right with you?" Fluttershy asked.

"Oh god, we're not even here for an hour and I want to drink bleach because of that terrible horse pun." Scout said.

"Come on, let's go to Ponyville, my friend! Lead the way Fluttershy," replied Mike, pleased with himself over irritating Scout, as his friend released an annoyed groan.

[a lot of minutes later]

"Finally, real sunshine! Oh, I've been waiting to do this for a long time, PRAISE THE SUN!" Scout said coming out of the forest, getting weird stares from passersby.

"We haven't been in there that long Scout, it's not the end of the world." The friendly Combine soldier said. Just then, a blue streak rammed into Scout sending him into the ground.

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FRIEND, ARE YOU A SPY!" The blue Pegasus said to the newly turned BLU mercenary.

"Ow, that, really freakin' hurt, by the way I ain't a backstabbing scumbag. That's also according to the comics. I helped your friend here from being eaten by a weird giant three headed reptile. I ran circles around it and killed it, but ya know with speed like mine no one can beat the Scout!"

"No way you could have killed the hydra with those skinny what ever they are, and nopony can be faster than the hydra, other than me!" The rainbow haired Pegasus said.

"One, these are called arms. Two is that a challenge I hear?" The BLU mercenary responded.

"Is this normal for, wherever we are?" The combine said.

"Well, Rainbowdash can get a little too competitive at times," the shy Pegasus said.

"Yes, that is a challenge ya hear. Well... it wont be a challenge for me. I can beat you in a race without my wings in ten seconds flat!" Rainbowdash said.

"If its a race ya want, pal, then its a race you will get!" Scout said.

"Fine, twelve o'clock, at Sweet Apple Acres!"

"I guess I will see you there then paly! Where is Sweet Apple Acres?" Scout asked.

"Just over on the other side of town," Fluttershy replied.

"Wow Caden, we met another pony and you went full on Scout ego there. You won't make a lot of friends here."

"I ain't here to make friends, I'm here to eat ass and take names, CAUSE I'M THE FRICKEN' SCOUT!"

[to be continued]

Author's Note

sorry if this is a little shit, new to writing story's and such, also mike and caden are the only antro ones in this AU, if you already can't tell, btw caden is slightly insane with the voice in his head or maybe not and It could be somepony else :pinkiecrazy:

i'll try to update this whenever I can

OH SHIT ITS PAINIS CUPCAKE, RUN BITCH RUN!

[Scouts pov]

“So, what are we going to do while waiting till noon Scout?” mike said

“We could just see what ponyville looks like and get something to eat.”

Why is food on your top list of things scout?

Cause it can be, i’m hungry.

“Hey, you know what i always wondered what is in the backpack that i wear.” so i reached in the backpack and pulled out a BONK! Atomic punch. “Holy jesus on a unicycle, its atomic punch, i will drink all of this right now.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t do that considering that actually has atomic atoms in there and a shit load of suger according to the game.” mike said

“Too late dude it's opened and since its a can, i have to drink it cause now i cant put it back in the bag while its opened, because no one wants to clean that mess.” so then i proceeded to drink it.

TIME FUCKIN STOPPED

“So this is what happens when Scout drinks atomic punch, neat.”

That's really all you have to say about this?

"We are in a world filled with talking ponies that can fly and or use magic, and also me and mike turned into The Scout and a rebel combine, and you expect me to be surprised that the bonk slows down time. You one dumb son of a bitch arn't you?"

[a few mins later, and some explaining to mike]

"Whoa, that sounds awesome." mike said.

"Yea, well ya know i am the Scout now, so i need to live up to his reputation."

"You just love stroking your self off don't you?" mike said just as a anthro version of soldier just pop up right behind him.

"I AM PAINIS CUPCAKE, I WILL EAT YOU!"

"Did i j-just hear what i think i heard?" mike said

"Whatever you do mike don't look at it or move, it might get angry."

"I think i just pissed myself!" mike said

"Ya didn't need to tell me about that, now stand still while i get my bat." I say as i reach for my bat to smack painis in the face.

Are you sure that's going to work?

Don't worry if i hit him on the head a certain amount of times i should bring the Soldier back. At least i hope it will.

If soldier is even in that thing.

I guess we'll find out real quick now won't we?

*BINK*

Painis falls to the ground immediately after i hit him with the Bat. "I didn't think it'll be that easy! Wow, i guess scout isn't as much as a weakling as the Team fortress community said he was."

And then the sound of Painis screeching and the uber charge activating, and then the sound of me facepalming so hard it could be heard all the way back on earth.

"GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNNN IT!"

"You dun fuked up now Scout."

"NO SHIT MIKE, RUN FUCKER RUN!"

And we were running for about five or six hours, until a stupid tree root tripped me and i landed on my 'muzzle' i guess i would call it now instead of nose or face, or anything that resembles human anatomy. Well any way i fell and Painis jumped and landed on me, and DEAR GOD HE'S FUCKING FAT OR ITS MY NEW BODY BUILD, BUT JESUS THAT SWIPED THE AIR RIGHT OUTTA ME!

"I AM PAINIS CUPCA-" Painis started but never finished

"Yea, Yea i know just kill me already, I've already know I'm going to my own personal hell but at least i will die knowing that humans aren't the only intelligent beings in the universe, loneliness scares the shit outta me, so go on, do it."

Painis raises his 'hoof' thing and brings it down hard on my face, only i don't feel it, and now all i see is black. i guess this is what happens when you die, neat hehehe, ima go insane aren't i?

[to be continued]

Author's Note

that was a while for this chapter for being short
pure laziness can do shit to a guy man
for those who need to picture a rebel combine would look like its reverse suit colors with the combine symbol with an x though it if you guys are good at drawing stuff can you make something that would come close to that if its not all ready a thing, plz