Chapters Preparations for the Quest
After sitting through a terrible lecture on why destroying every barrel in town, Pewdiepie came to one conclusion. THEY ALL WORKED FOR THE BARRELS. He had to find a way to stop this madness. But how?
Pewdiepie ran directly back to the cottage where he had been held captive for the first time. Many years of gaming had taught him to look for items he may have missed near the spawn point. Perhaps someone had left money laying out that he could take, free of any sort of retaliation whatsoever.
Upon reaching the cottage, he saw Ian and Anthony sitting upon a half-eaten couch.
“Well, we could hang out with Pewdiepie, he seems-”
Ian punched Anthony in the face. “NO! HE WANTS TO TAKE LORETTA AWAY FROM ME AND DO BAD THINGS TO HER!”
Anthony rubbed his face where Ian had smashed his hoof into it. “Yeah, I don’t think being in a relationship with a barrel is too healthy, anyway-”
Another punch to the face greeted him.
“OW! Dude, come on!”
Ian was seething. “Why can’t you just let me and Loretta be together?”
“I’m pretty sure Derpy was kidding when-”
“When I did what?” The grey pegasus alighting the edge of the couch, scaring the crap out of Anthony.
“Um... well, I-”
Derpy got all up in Anthony’s grill. “Why can’t you just accept the fact that Ian is going to be with Loretta?”
“Yeah, Anthony! Me and Loretta are perfectly happy together! Why can’t you just be glad that I finally found love?”
Anthony facehoofed. “Am I the only sane pony here?”
Pewdiepie patted his hoof and Anthony’s back. “I know the feel, bro.”
“AH! MONSTER!” Pewdiepie felt the punch connect with his face, and he fell backwards dramatically in slow motion.
“OH DEAR GOD WE KILLED HIM!”
“Quick, we have to hide the body!” Pewdiepie heard Ian’s voice as he slowly recovered from the devastating punch.
Pewdiepie got to his hooves. “No need guys, I’m cool.”
“Well, should we dump him in a lake?” Anthony said, ignoring the fact that Pewdiepie existed.
“No, they’ll check there first. What we need is a hacksaw and 300 gallons of sulphuric acid,” Derpy said, furrowing her brow. Anthony and Ian starred at her. “What? I have experience with this.”
“Guys! I’m fine! No need to hide my body or anything.”
“Wait, didn’t shut up cartoons have an instructional on body hiding? Let’s watch that! It’ll sure help us!”
Pewdiepie sighed, giving up on the idiots that lay before him, and trotted off to have his own magnificent adventure. But as he walked away, Derpy gave him a look. And he saw the barrels in her eyes.
Pewdiepie ran away screaming like a little girl.
Finally stopping to take a breath, he noticed himself outside the library. Knowing he had to escape from the barrels, he rushed inside.
“Wow, Silver Spoon’s ovaries fit me really well, it’s almost like- oh! Can I help you?” A purple unicorn, Twilight Sparkle was what they called her, Pewdiepie was pretty sure, turned around to face him.
“No, I’m just- actually, yes! Do you have any books on barrel fighting?”
Twilight walked over to the shelf and levitated a book down. “I never thought we would use this... but the time has come.”
Pewdiepie blew the dust off the book. “Ponysutra: The complete guide to every single pony sex position there is-”
Twilight levitated the book away from him. “Um, whoops! Wrong book. Here you go.”
A new book levitated to Pewdiepie. Since Pewdiepie also possessed a horn, he held it aloft with his magic.
“The Ultimate Barrel Finding Guide: The Quest for the Barrel Smasher.” The book was old and battered. Opening the front cover there was “Property of Princess Luna” scrawled in crayon on the front page.
“I need to find a picture of the barrel smasher...” after a few more flips, he found it.
“Forged out of the strongest material known to mankind, the barrel smasher has found it’s way into several dimensions...” The picture showed the legendary hammer to be a nokia phone glued to a stick. “It truly is made of the hardest materials known to man or pony... I must find Princess Luna at once. She may know more of it...”
Pewdiepie raced off to catch the next train to Canterlot. Little did he know however, there was a grey pegasus slowly eating a muffin, staring at him as he trotted away.
“Soon... Pewdie... soon the barrels will have their revenge...”
“Mommy? Why are you talking to the muffin?”
“Quite, Dinky. Mommy’s trying to be evil.”
Pewdiepie walked through the Palace doors. "Oh god, I have a bad experience with castles." Looking to his left, he saw a suit of armour that would have fit a pony quite well.
"UNTRUSTED STATUE!" Pewdiepie grabbed a helmet and threw it at the wall. Meanwhile, Princess Celestia stared at him awkwardly while he did this to the rest of the statues in the hall.
"Um, Luna? Some pony is picking up our statue heads and throwing them everywhere." Luna stopped right in her tracks. She was in the middle of a Nex raid... but if there was somepony throwing helmets around...
"PEWDIEPIE!"
Pewdiepie looked up to see a blue alicorn fly close to the speed of light directly into him. "WHADDAFUQ?"
Luna tackled the youtube star and hugged him. "First Smosh, and now you! This has been a fabulous week!" Pewdiepie squeaked as he felt the life being squeezed out of him.
"Can't... breath... life force... fading..." Pewdiepie gasped as Luna's grasp became tighter.
"Oh! Sorry." Luna released Pewdiepie, and he fell to the floor, gasping. "So, oh excellent god of the gaming world, what brings you here to my humble palace?"
"Actually, it's my palace, but-" Celestia began, but Luna shoved her sister into a nearby closet.
"Anyway, magnificent Pewdiepie, why hath thou- I mean, why are you here?"
Pewdiepie picked himself off the floor. "I dunno, I just woke up in Equestria this morning. But, I am here on an epic quest. I must- what the hell are you doing?"
Luna was licking Pewdiepie's face and horn. "You taste like a Cherry Flavored Lollipop!"
Pewdiepie stared at Luna for a second, then continued one. "Anyway, I'm on an epic mission to destroy the barrels." Upon hearing this, Luna stopping likcing his face, and stood at attention.
"I would be honored to join you on this quest!"
Pewdiepie levitated the book of Barrel Slaying over to Luna. "I chose you because you once owned this book. You will be an asset on our adventure."
Luna sighed, reminiscing. "Ah yes. That and a single red crayon was all I had on me at the time of my banishment. So, I memorized the book, and rationed out the crayon to keep me from starving."
"Wow, one red cryaon? How long were you banished for?"
"1000 years."
Pewdiepie grimaced. "Ouch. That's a little harsh. What did you do?"
"Oh, the official story is that I tried to make eternal night, but what I actually did is save over Tia's Half-Life game."
"Oh. Well then that's understandable."
Luna and Pewdiepie walked up to Luna's room where she slammed the door shut, locked it, and spread herself on the bed. "This is the part where we engage in coitus, correct?"
Pewdiepie looked visibly disturbed. "What? No!" Luna unlocked the door.
"Fine... what are we to do now, though?"
Pewdiepie looked around Luna's room. Various posters of Him and Tobuscus adorned the room. "I find this only slightly creepy..."
Luna went over to her computer, logged out of Runescape, closed the tab and one that had Penny Arcade webcomics currently open, and shut off the computer. "I predict we may be gone for a while, and Tia got really angry when I forogt to turn off the computer the last time I went out for a while a raked up a huge electricity bill."
"Wait, aren't you bros the princesses? Why do you have to pay the electric bill?"
"Please do not question our economy."
Pewdiepie shrugged, and went about Luna's room gathering things one might need for an epic journey. Like any gamer, Luna had large amounts of Mountain Dew and doritos stored in various places that were easy to reach during a raid or boss fight. Pewdie levitated a saddlebag that was hanging on the closet door, and stocked up on these essential items. Luna did the same, but also added one other important thing.
"It's my lucky Xbox controller. You know, for good luck."
"That sentence totally wasn't redundant or anything." Pewdiepie got a faceful of hoof for that remark.
"Tia, me and Pewdie are going on an epic quest. If we're gone for more than a few weeks, assume we died!" Luna called out as the two left the palace.
A shadow of a mare was cast over the two as they left. "Who's there?" Pewdiepie looked around, while Luna checked under a rock.
All that was there was a single muffin.
"That's forboding and an obvious clue that somepony is trying to stop us. Let's ignore it!" Pewdiepie and Luna trotted off happily.
Derpy facehoofed.
"I think we're lost."
"We're not lost just... taking a scenic detour!"
"You're holding the map upside down."
"Your face is upside down!"
"That doesn't even make any sense!"
"Um, excuse me? Do you know the way to Canterlot Palace?"
Pewdie and Luna stopped arguing and looked down at the little filly. She was blue and had a british accent. "I'm here to deliver Princess Celestia news on the going ons in Trottingham."
"Oh, yes. The palace is right over there." Luna pointed out the palace, and the little filly trotted away. Then, it dawned on her.
"We haven't even left Canterlot yet."
Pewdiepie grinned sheepishly, then the two continued on their adventure, heading off down the mountain.
Rarity awoke one fine morning, took a shower, found her hairbrush with relative ease, and styled her hair. She made herself some breakfast, and then sat down at her table, where Derpy sat, holding a muffin.
"EEEK! Derpy! Don't scare me like that!"
Derpy smiled. "Terribly sorry, Miss Rarity, but I must ask you a favour. I set my dear friend Ian up with one of my friends, but that troublemaker, Felix-"
"Who?"
"Sorry, Pewdiepie, seems intent on destroying her and her kind. Now, I know you are the element of generosity, so would you kindly donate some of your time to help me save their relationship?"
Rarity was trapped, and Derpy knew it. THere was no way should could resist the call of helping true love. Derpy just wouldn't tell her it was a barrel that was the girl in question they were saving.
"Well, of course I will help! Anything for..." Rairty became starry-eyed "...love."
Derpy grinned her evil grin, and took a bite of the muffin. "Excellent. Let us go on and see if Fluttershy agrees, yes?"
Pewdiepie and Luna had been trekking down the mountain for almost two days. "I sure hope we aren't lost again, remember the time when that happened?"
Pewdie sighed. "Yes, Luna, it was just a day ago."
"We're almost out of Mountain Dew, I think we should have packed more."
"I guess so."
"Do you think spiders dream?"
"Oh look, a cave!" Pewdiepie rushed away from Luna's monotonous ramblings to enter the cave. It was very dark, and Pewdiepie was fairly sure that every single spider in Equestria lived there, and had just crawled into his mouth.
Spitting the offending arachnids out, Pewdie lit his horn. There, in front of him, was an old stallion.
"AH! Who da fuk are you?"
The old stallion didn't answer, and instead levitated an old sword to the gamer.
"It's dangerous to go alone, take this!"
"Pewdie, what are you- OHMYGOSHLEGENDOFZELDAREFERENCE!" Luna passed out from ecstasy.
Pewdie sighed, and took the sword. "Thanks, old guy. Here, can you help me get her out of here? She's kinda fat."
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Pewdiepie sat in the clearing where the old stallion had moved the Princess of the Night. Sitting by the campfire he had made, he noticed there was no moon.
"Oh crap, that's right, Luna told me she rose the moon."
That's not the only thing she raises, giggetty.
"Shat ahp, perverted thoughts."
Pewdiepie looked up at the moonless sky.
"Whell, it cahn't be THAT hard to raise the moon." Focusing all of his energy and might into raising the celestial body, slowly, the moon began to rise.
"Hey! I did it!"
Then, the moon came crashing down. Pewdiepie heard things break.
"Fahk."
Luna slowly opened her eyes. "Huh? Link? Is that you? Why are you rubbing my wings?"
Pewdiepie gave Luna an odd look as she awoke. Looking around, the midnight blue alicorn princess began to blush. "Um... anything I might have said while I was asleep doesn't convaay any messages into real life, ok?"
"Um, somebody broke the moon," Pewdiepie said, and Luna growled.
"Damn it, I bet it was Tia. She can't resist messing with my stuff."
Pewdiepie was going to point out a consistency error there, but decided not to.
"So, uhm, anyway, are we gonna, like, keep adventuring?"
"Hold on, let me fix the moon." Luna grabbed some duct tape and left for about seventeen minutes and thirty seconds, not like Pewdiepie was counting or anything.
"Anyway, let us be on with our quest!"
So, the two set off to parts unknown.
"Hey, wait, we've been here before!" The two adventures were standing in front of Sugarcube corner.
"AH DOHN'T CAHRE!" Luna shouted, then fell to the ground laughing.
"That's only funny when I do that, shut up Luna."
Pinkie Pie jumped out of the top window and tackled Pewdiepie.
"Oh hi, Pewdiepie! Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, what brings you here? Ooh! Is it cake? I love cake! Let me go make you some cake! But first, I'll need to-"
"Pinkie Pie! Get offa me!"
Pinkie Pie launched herself off of Pewdiepie. "Jesus, that pony..." Pewdiepie looked at Luna, who shrugged.
"Ok, I know there are some old ruins in the Everfree forest, that's where the old palace used to be."
The two trotted off, once again not noticing the grey pegasus who sinisterly munching a muffin. "Soon... very soon..."
Upon reaching the ruins, the two ponies were confronted by a barrel.
"FAHKING BARRELS!" Luna, who wanted to make a good impression on Pewdie, kicked the barrel where it fell into its side, and began to glow.
"Oh wait, that's not right..."
The barrel mutated and transformed into a giant monster with a smiley face mask upon its face.
"Good going, Luna, now we're fucked."
"Whoops. Sorry."
The two ran screaming back towards Ponyville.
"AH TOLD YOU TO STAHY AWAY FROM DAH BARRELS!"
"I TOLD THOU MY APOLOGIES!"
The two ran in a full circle and ended up back in the Old Palace Basement. Pewdiepie and Luna fell to the ground, gasping.
"Well, we're safe for now." Pewdie saw something gold catch his eye.
"STEPHANO!"
"Hello, Pewdie," Stephano said. Pewdie levitated the gold statuette over to him and hugged it.
"Luna! It's Stephano!" Luna squeed in delight.
"It is Stephano!"
"Hello there, Luna," Stephano said in his sexy accent.
Pewdiepie smiled. "Everything's all good now." Then, he felt a cold claw land on his sholder.
"Hey there, Sugar Tits!"
Pewdiepie slowly turned around to the Bro with its hideous grimace drooling all over him.
“Seriously, Bro, you take it too fast. Dinner and a movie first.”
Luna smiled. “I admire your ability to stay calm in the face of danger.”
Something in Pewdiepie’s mind clicked. “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT HELPING ME FIGHT THIS?”
Luna shrugged. “I dunno. I want to see how you react in this situation.” Pewdie facehoofed.
“I hate you- AAGH!” The Bro had slashed the poor unicorn across the face. “AH! FUCKEDY FUCK FUCK! FUUUUCK! OH GOD- mmm, dat ass!” The Bro finished mangling Pewdiepony and left. Luna couldn’t help but laugh a bit at this. “Oh sure, so it’s real funny when get mangled by a hideous monster, but when a spider crawls into your sleeping bag...”
Luna glared. “That was a very harrowing, Pewdie. Don’t take spiders lightly. Let me tell you a story about spiders. One nightmare night, Twilight Sparkle...”
Pewdiepony groaned. After listening to the alicorn ramble for nearly an hour, Pewdie was beginning to consider finding the bro again so it could finish him off. Fortunately, the Princess of the Night finished her monologue.
“And that’s why you should never let a pegasus prepare your coffee.” Luna looked at Pewdie expectantly, hoping for some feedback. Pewdiepie blinked a few times, then realized the cue.
“Wait, weren’t you talking about how spiders scared you?”
Luna laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, spiders are my friends! They do much of their hunting at night.” Pewdie began to softly cry. As he did so, he became enlightened to the fact that his wounds were gone.
“What the hell?” Pewdiepony looked about to see if something could have healed him. Then, it hit him. The claw, I mean.
“AAAH!” Pewdie and Luna ran screaming from the Bro, who had come back to finish them off. Luna levitated Stephano into her saddle bags as they fled down the corridor.
“Augh, I hate corridors, almost as much as -BARRELS!” Pewdie stopped dead as he came face to face with his nemesis. He grabbed the first barrel with his hoof, and flung it down the hall, where it smashed into the Bro’s face. Grabbing another barrel, he levitated Stephano out of Luna’s bags.
“What are you doing Pewdie- OH GOD NO!” Stephano screamed as Pewdiepie beat him repeatedly into the barrel.
The Bro ran back at them, raising his claws, but Pewdiepony stopped him. “Go away, Bro! You’re fat! Go on a diet or something.”
The Bro, whose feelings were hurt considerably, moped off into a corner.
“That’ll teach him to mess with McPewdie!” Pewdiepie smiled, not noticing the fact that Stephano was extremely damaged from the barrel incident. Luna stared at him like he was an idiot.
“Pewdiepie, are you seriously that deraged?”
Pewdiepie looked at the midnight blue mare and grinned crazily. “I’m not deranged! You’re the crazy one! Mishka! Get my pickles to keep the cats away!” Pewdiepie began to lick the floor vigorously.
Luna looked at Stephano. She was beginning to worry. “Stephano, what’s happening to him?”
“It’s a very rare disease one can get from a Bro. It’s called ‘Bullshititus.’”
Luna gave the smashed statuette a pensive look. “That doesn’t sound like a real disease...”
“Of course it’s real! What would give you the impression it wasn’t?”
“Um... I don’t know, maybe the name?”
The statuette scoffed. “Luna, I thought you were better than that... judging something by its name. Would I ever lie to you?”
Luna shrugged “Well, I don’t really know you-”
“LUNA,” Stephano stared deep into Luna’s eyes. “ Would I lie to you?”
The mare sighed. “ I guess not...”
“Well, you're wrong. I lied.”
“WHAT? After you made me go through all that?”
“Well, you sure are gullible, that’s for sure.” Stephano laughed. Luna grew angry with the golden statue.
“Look, is there anything wrong with Pewdie?” Pewdiepie was now attempting to bake muffins in the wall.
“Nah, I’m sure he’s fine. Come on, let’s get going.”
Luna dragged Pewdiepie away from the wall. “NOOOO! My culinary crafts! You shall pay for this, Luna! YOU SHALL- Oh, a
The mare, stallion, and statue all delved deeper into the dungeon. However, there were stil two more left in the level upon which the three had just been.
“Why did you let them escape?” Derpy yelled angrily at the Bro.
“He called me fat...” The Bro sobbed.
“That’s because you are fat! Seriously, go on a diet or something...” Derpy closed her eyes and shook her head. “By the Goddess, the idiot I have to-” A small dinging noise caused her to perk up in mid sentence.
“My muffins are done!” The grey pegasus squealed in delight.
Derpy rushed off the the wall where Pewdie had been baking and removed the fresh pastries for seemingly nowhere. “Ah, fresh from the wall.”
Onward, to Fried Chicken Land!
Luna dragged the ramblin Pewdiepony through the corridors. "Corridors! I hate corridors!" He was yelling. Stephano lay on Pewdie's back.
"Luna, where are we going?"
"To Fried Chicken land, Stephano, duh," Pewdie answered, trying to eat his own hoof. Luna grit her teeth. Pewdie was cute crazy at first, but now he was more annoying than a hetalia fangirl shipping the United States and Britain.
"Well, obviously not, Pewdie, because Fried Chicken land would be-"
"SHUT UP!" Luna yelled, throwing Pewdie and Stephano against the wall. "I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH A PLAN HERE, AND YOU MORONS ARE MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE!"
"In my defense, boobs." Luna stomped on Pewdie's neck, causing him to have a mini seizure in an attempt to not die. Luna put her hoof up to her head and rubbed her temples.
"Pewdie, I don't know what caused you to become so crazy, but if I recall correctly, somewhere down here is a fountain that can cure ailments of any kind. I'm going to bring you to it, and then we can continue on your barrel killing quest, ok?"
Pewdie looked up at Luna, and said quite sincerely "Cheese is my favorite color in the alphabet."
Luna smashed her face into the wall a few times before Stephano spoke up. "Uh, Luna? Who's that over there?"
Luna looked over to see a tail disappear behind a corner."Ok, Stephano, guard Pewdie while I go check this out, ok?" Luna rushed off to catch the pony who Stephano had spotted. After several more turns, she cornered her in a corner.
"Well, duh."
Shut up, ok? It's late and I'm running out of things to write!
Anyway, Luna looked down at the cowering pony. "Lyra? what are you doing here?"
Lyra grinned sheepishly at the moon princess. "I may or may not have come here to offer myself to bear Pewdiepie's foals."
Luna stared down at the mare. "That is highly disturbing, and I'm going to act like I didn't hear that. How did you get past the bros?"
Lyra looked confused. "What bros? I didn't-"
"FOR THE MUFFIN QUEEN!" A bro charged blindly at the two. Luna bucked the bro off into a wall, where he expired.
"Those bros."
"Oh, ok. Well, I didn't see any coming in.. but I did find this muffin. Do you think it-" Luna promptly devoured the pastry.
"Silly Lyra. All these muffins and muffin references mean absolutely nothing and are in no way connected. Only a fool would think that. Now come on, I left Pewdie with Stephano. I'm not sure how much longer he'll be safe."
Lyra and Luna traversed their way back to Pewdiepony and Stephano. on their way, they saw a large banner saying "Derpy the Muffin Queen is Mother of All Barrels."
"Do you think this means anything?" Lyra said, pointing to it.
Luna facehoofed and groaned. "Lyra, what did I say about overthinking things?"
"Nothing, actually, you just said that-"
"Shut up."
The two arrived at the place where Pewdiepie and his golden french statue friend were supposed to be. instead, they found a note. Luna levitated it up and read aloud.
"Dear Luna and Lyra,
We have Pewdie and Stephano. Give up your quest to kill the barrels. If you don't, we will kill them in the most horrible way possible. By forcing them to watch one full episode of 'Jersey Shore.'
-Hugs and Kisses, not Derpy, who is also not the muffin queen."
Luna looked over at Lyra. "See? I told you Derpy wasn't the muffin queen. Always remember that I am always right, always."
Lyra stared down at her hooves in sorrow. "I feel dumb."
Luna crumpled up the piece of paper and promptly ate it. Lyra stared in utter disbelief at the princess.
“Um, why did you just-”
Luna broke down into tears. “Sometimes, Celestia hits me, and I eat to solve all my problems. I’m such a fat whore, I know!”
Lyra slowly backed away. “Well, that escalated quickly.”
Luna immediately recovered for story convenience and got back on track. “Anyway, let’s go save Pewdiepony!”
“You know, we switch back and forth from ‘PewdiePIE and PiewdiePONY, it might confuse-” Luna hurled a potato into Lyra’s snout.
“Quiet woman! We must save Pewdiepie before it’s too late!”
“See, you did it again, now I think that’s-” A rubber chicken smashed into Lyra’s face.
“AGAIN, with the talking...”
Lyra gave Luna a hurt look. “Why do you do this to me, I mean I don’t-” Luna began sobbing again, embracing Lyra.
“I’m sorry! It’s just that back when I was dating Discord-”
“You dated Discord?”
“Foreshadowing. Anyway, Tia stole him away from me, then stole my lunch money!” Luna sobbed all over Lyra, soaking her in royal tears.
“Wait, that seems a bit out of character for Princess Celestia. She’s the benevolent and all caring Goddess, she wouldn’t-”
Luna clocked Lyra in the side of the head. “Stop speaking in gypsy riddles! We have to save Pewdiepony!”
***
Pewdiepie groggily awoke from his sleep to see a familiar orange-haired individual above him.
“McPixel?”
The pixelated hero grinned. “Damn right, Pewdie, and I’m here to save you!”
Pewdiepony’s face broke out into a wide grin. “Alright, McPixel, rescue me! Just untie the ropes, and we can get Stephano and leave this crazy place!”
McPixel nodded. “Ah yes... now, if my experience with this has taught me anything...” McPixel walked over to a conveniently placed beer, chugged it, and pissed all over Pewdie.
“GAH! MCPIXEL! WHAT THE HELL?”
The ropes slid effortlessly off of Pewdiepie.
“MCPIXEL!” 8-bit music began to play somewhere in the background, and McPixel danced around wildly. Pewdie shook himself off, and looked around for Stehano. He stopped him lying in a corner.
“Stephano, I’m coming for ya-” The door on the far end of the room opened up, and a dark suited man without a face stepped in. Pewdie heard static, and his vision went blurry as he stared at the man. Turning his head away from Slenderman, he levitated Stephano with his horn over to him.
“Stand back, I have a Stephano!” Slenderman payed no attention to this, and walked slowly over to Pewdiepie. His vision become blurrier and blurrier.
“I’ll save you!” McPixel threw himself in front of Slenderman, but missed and hit the wall. Slenderman slowly closed in on Stephano and Pewdiepie.
“Well, Stephano, we’re fucked. Any last things you want to say?”
“Well, Pewdie, I love you.”
Pewdiepie stared at the statue. “Um... that’s kinda gay.”
“What? No it’s not!”
“Yeah it is, Stephano.”
“What, a man can’t be sexually attracted to another man without being accused of being gay?”
Pewdie facehoofed. “Ughhh... Stephano...”
***
Luna and Lyra had come to a large cave with a pit of lava, the only way across being a rickety bridge.
“Well, it’s the only way across, let’s go.” Luna gave Lyra a “No Durr” look, and the two started across the extremely unsafe bridge.
Halfway across, footsteps were heard from either side, and bros surrounded the bridge. Brandishing their claws, they smiled their warped smiles and began to slice the ropes.
“Well, Luna, I guess this is it. Me and you, we’re going down together, it’s the only-” As the bros cut the ropes, and the bridge sent the two toppling down to the lava, Luna flapped her wings and kept herself afloat as Lyra continued to spiral down.
“CELESTIA DAMN YOU LUNA!” Lyra spiralled towards the lava.
Will Lyra survive? Will Luna stop being such a dick to her? Will Pewdie and Stephano escape from Slendy? Will McPixel find his sandwich? Will I ever get better at writing? Tune in next week to find out!
Pewdiepie and Stephano raced down the hallway, with McPixel hot on their trail. Eventually, the three reached a large iron door.
"Farewell, Pewdie," McPixel said with a bow. "For others are in need of my assistance." He donned a pirate hat, consumed a bottle of rum, and collapsed. Pewdie shed a single tear.
"Farewell, McPixel... until we meet again." Pewdiepie open the iron door, and walked into the cobblestone corridor that lay beyond. Reaching the end of the hall, he saw Luna sobbing on the floor.
"Man, if Rainbow Dash were here, she'd be so turned on right now..." Pewdie gave Stephano a horrified look.
"What the fuck, Stephano, why would you even say that?"
"Well, it's true! Crying is one of Dashie's fetishes!"
Pewdiepony raised an eyebrow at the figurine. "And you would know this how?"
The golden figurine was silent. Pewdiepie stared at him for a few seconds, then turned back to Luna. "Luna, what's wrong?"
Luna sobbed. "I killed my mother!"
"HOLEE SHIT YOU KILLED LAUREN FAUST?"
Luna sniffed loudly, and looked up at Pewdie. "What? No, I killed Lyra!"
Pewdiepie blinked rapidly a few times. "What? Lyra was your mom?"
"Yeah, I was surprised too!"
"Hmmm... well, we need to know for certain..." Stephano said. "And there's only one way we can do that." The little golden statue produced a large machine out of thin air. "We have to go into Luna's memories and see what actually happened back there!"
"Um, where did you get that?" Pewdiepie eyes the machine suspiciously.
"Internet."
Pewdiepie nodded. "Oh, well, that seems reasonable-"
"You know what, fuck this!" The two ponies and Stephano looked over at the source of the voice. Standing there was a blonde haired teenager.
"I'm tired of this! This doesn't make any fucking sense anymore! I quit! I have better stories to write anyway-" Stephano shot a laser from his eyes and evaporated Elijah.
"STEPHANO!" Luna yelled.
"What? He was going to stop writing our story!"
"Wait," Pewdiepie said as he frowned. "Didn't he die in one of his fics already?"
"Oh, stop it with your analysis Pewdie, and just come into Luna's mind with me!" Stephano hooked him and Pewdie up to the machine, placed a helmet on Luna's head, and they were both sucked into the subconscious of the Princess of the Night.
***
Meanwhile, Derpy was not very happy with the way things were turning out. She had left Luna to cry in the corridor, and was just trying to have a nice cup of tea. At least she had Pewdie and Stephano captured.
Then, so more bad news arrived. Sexualoffenderman showed up, and he had a turkey on rye all over the back of his head.
"Sexualoffenderman, what happened?" Derpy walked over to the otherworldly entity. The pervy monster shrugged, and dropped its trenchcoat. Derpy gasped in horror and kicked him right in the nuggets.
"Don't even try and start that with me! You let Pewdiepony and that meddling golden statue of his get away!" Derpy turned to the surveillance tapes. How could you have let that-" The grey pegasus gasped.
"So... we meet again, McPixel..."
Pewdie and Stephano: I Ship Them so Hard
Pewdiepie groaned, and looked around. He was laying on the floor of an empty, white room.
"Ok, what the hell is going on?" Looking to his left, he saw Luna eating a sandwich.
"Hmmm... we appear to be in the deepest, darkest recesses of Luna's mind. I must observe to become..." Pewdiepie put on a pair of glasses. "Scientist Pewds!"
Luna took another bite out of the sandwich. "Yes... the way she chews it slower then she breaths indicates that she had some sort of childhood trauma..."
Luna paused for a second, then took another bite. "Yes... yes... the way you pause for second indicates that you were abused by someone close to you..."
Luna looked like she was about to take another bite, then broke down crying. "Oh Faust... the memories... why did you do that to me, Tia? What did I ever do to you?" The midnight blue alicorn continued to blubber as Pewdiepony shook his head sadly.
"Damn... and I was on a role there... too bad Luna stopped before she could give me any more information."
Stephano, who had been quiet this whole time, spoke up. "Pewdie... I think it's time we talked. You know, about our relationship."
Pewdie sighed, and looked at the golden statuette as Luna's wailing provided background ambience.
"Look, Stephano, I know we've been through alot together, but... what about Mishka?"
"Oh, don't worry. I thought of that."
Pewdie smiled. "Good! See, now that we've-"
"You're going to have to kill her."
Pewdie's eyes widened in shock while Luna blathered on about something to do with saving over Celestia's Half-Life game. "Stephano! We can't do that!"
"Well, why not?"
Pewdie rolled his disportionately large eyes. "Well, for one, I love her. Two, we'd get arrested for kill someone!"
Stephano's eyebrows waggled. "Ho ho! But you see Pewdie, all we have to do is blame Mr. Chair!"
Pewdiepie gasped. "Stephano! We can't blame it on Mr. Chair!"
"It's the only way our love is to survive," Stephano said sadly.
Pewdie thought this over. "Well... if it's the only way..."
"Please, I'm so sorry Tia..."
"Shut UP Luna! Adults are talking!"
***
Derpy turned on skype, and dialed the number sixty-nine sixty-nine times. The computerized phone rang for a few moments, and then someone picked up.
"Yes, this is McPixel."
Derpy grinned evilly while putting a top hat and a mustache on a muffin. "Hello, McPixel."
Derpy heard McPixel's sharp intake of breath. "Derpy! I should have known..."
"Well, yes McPixel, it has been a while, hasn't it?"
"What do you want from me, Derpy?"
Derpy put the muffin down, and swatted a bro away from it. "Simple. I want you to tell me where Pewdiepie is. He plans on killing the Barrel King. I cannot allow that to happen, McPixel."
"I'll never tell you where McPewdie is! He is my friend, and I love him in a totally heterosexual way!"
By Celestia, is ever character from that universe bi-curious? Derpy dragged her hoof through her mane. "Listen, McPixel, let me strike a deal with you. We'll have a duel. Whoever loses has to impart one bit of information to the other. I'll let you choose whatever weapons you want."
She could almost hear McPixel's smile. "Any weapon?"
"Any weapon," she confirmed.
"Any weapon?"
"Any weapon."
"Any weapon?"
"Not giant dildos."
"Awwww...."
Pewdiepie was still utterly confused as what to do next.
“I feel like I’ve exhausted every possible scenario for this trainwreck of a story!” Pewdie started to smash his face into the wall out of frustration.
“You know...” Stephano drawled saucily “We could give them a show...”
Pewdie shoved the statuette away from him. “No, Stephano... no. Just no.”
“Come on! We’ll be together for-”
“Stephano, please. I have Mishka! I can’t be with you, and no, we’re not going to blame the murder on Mister Chair because there won’t BE a murder!”
“Well, you could always just-”
“SHUT UP!” Pewdiepony yelled loud enough to make Smosh jealous. Angrily, the youtuber trudged over to Luna, who was now huddled in a corner, crying. “Let’s just go and see what we can learn from Luna’s memories.”
Pewdie and Stephano (who was somehow moving despite not having legs) crept up behind Luna, who was still sobbing in the corner.
“Um, Luna?” Pewdiepony asked softly, putting his hoof on her shoulder. “You ok?”
Luna looked up and Pewdiepie with glowing red eyes, teeth bared, and claws instead of hooves. Lashing out in rage, she screamed a bloodcurdling scream, getting read to rip Pewdie a new plothole.
“Pewdiepie has startled the witch.”
“Oh, come on, I don’t even play Left 4 Dead!”
***
Derpy walked softly through the halls. Dinky should be safe for the time being, as she had the Doctor come and pick her up.
“Um, Derpy? What’s going on here?” he had asked her while Derpy grabbed a keg of beer, McPixel Weapon choice.
“I’m off to kill an enemy I hoped to never seen again,” she said casually, donning some body armour.
The Doctor nodded his head in understanding. “Ah yes, I know the feel. Try not to die, ok?”
Derpy rolled her good eye. “I’ll try not to, mom.”
Derpy smiled at the thought of her previous conversation with the Doctor. It was a bit of normalcy that seemed so very devoid in both of their lives nowadays. Oh course, the Doctor’s life had never been normal...
Entering the large room where she was to battle McPixel, Derpy took a good look around. It was plain, with simple greyish walls, and torches illuminating either side of the room.
From the other side of the room, a door opened, and McPixel stood there holding a large keg of beer. He was also wearing a samurai bandanna, and no pants.
Derpy averted her eyes from McPixel’s shriveled glory. “So, how are we going to fight, just beat each other with the kegs, or-”
McPixel began to chug his keg very, very quickly. Derpy gave him a puzzled look. When he was finished, he burped, satisfied. Then, he directed his, er, “joystick” towards Derpy.
Both of Derpy’s eyes widened. “Oh no.”
A giant stream of golden glory smashed the grey pegasus right in the face, harden then anything had ever done before. McPixel laughed in joyous victory as Derpy was forced to the ground by the sheer force of it. At one point, Derpy made the mistake of opening her mouth to attempt a breath, and consequently, nearly drowned.
After the brief battle was over, McPixel nearly passed out from dehydration. Derpy struggled slowly to her hooves, and clocked him over the head with her barrel keg.
“Barrels 1, McPixel 0.” Derpy grinned, and then passed out.
Meanwhile, as Pewdie and Stephano were running from Witch-Luna, Pewdie hung his head low, and began to gasp for breath.
“What’s wrong, Pewdie?” Stephano asked.
“I felt a great disturbance in the force... as if a barrel just triumphed over a mighty warrior...”
I’d like to take some time now to apologize for this chapter.
View Online
The Barrel Killing Artifact(At Long-Fucking-Last)
Pewdiepony and Luna slowly traversed the hallowed halls of the Passage of Convenient Sacrifice. At the end of the hallway, a golden light glowed, shining them down in beautiful light.
“Actually, I think that’s radiation.”
The two ponies entered the room where the magnificent barrel killing artifact lay on its pedestal. A chair was on the left side of the room, while on the right side was a comfortable appearing cushion and a very spiky looking cactus.
The magnificent weapon was simply a Nokia phone duct-taped to a stick.
Pewdiepie’s eyes shined. “Its... bootiful...” The gamer walked slowly to the artifact, and gave it a tender kiss. Then, he began to run his tongue up and down the wooden stick.
“That is so hot.” Luna drooled as she watched this erotic spectacle, and her hoof began to slowly travel towards the dark side of the moon(if you know what I mean ). Just then, a small trapdoor opened from the ceiling, and a grey mare landed with a painful thump right on the cactus.
“God damn bros, can’t do a single thing right...” Derpy complained as she pulled thorns from herself. “Anyway, sorry to interrupt your little masturbation celebration, but I've got a Barrel King to protect!” Derpy pulled out a large, evil looking gun. “Goodbye, Pewdiepie!”
“NOOOOOO!” Luna jumped in front of the gun, and fell to floor with a painful crunch. Grabbing her knee, Luna rocked back and forth with a pained “aaahh...” every time. Derpy shrugged, aimed right at Pewdiepie, and pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened.
“Damn! I seem to have picked up Dinky’s toy gun by mistake!” Derpy scowled. Pewdiepie, who had been too busy molesting the artifact to notice what was going on, looked over at Derpy. The swede didn’t know much, but he knew that shit was about to go down.
Running to the other side of the room, the unicorn grabbed the chair. “Sorry Mr. Chair, but your time has come.”
“But Pewdie, I love you-” Pewdiepony threw Mr. Chair right into Derpy, where it smashed into a thousand tiny pieces, knocking the muffin-loving villain to the floor. The wall right in front of him slid down, revealing a large hill with several ramps, jumps, and fans. A bike with a child seat at the back was laying nearby.
Pewdiepie grabbed Luna(who was still groaning over her knee), grabbed the barrel artifact, and dragged Luna outside. Propping the bike up, he shoved her into the seat. Getting into the front seat, he began to pedal down the hill.
Derpy got to her hooves, one of her eyes blackened, and her temperament foul. “Bro! Get me a bike!” A bro rushed up and presented her a tricycle.
Derpy facehoofed. “Fine... I guess this will have to do!”
The grey mare jumped on the trike, and peddled down after Pewdie and Luna.
Because Fuck You, That's Why
Pewdiepie recklessly sped down the hill, somehow pedalling despite the fact that he was currently an equine.
“ELIJAH!” A voice yelled from the sky. “GO TO BED!”
“Shut up, mom! I’m writing about a swedish video gamer in the universe of my little pony!”
Elijah’s mother did not respond to this, and instead went to her medicine cabinet to consume multiple types of pills. Pewdiepony pedaled down the hill regardless, and Derpy followed.
“Damn it Pewdie, just give up already!” Derpy screamed, pedaling faster than before.
“No! The barrels must die!”
Derpy considered her options as the two sped down the hill. “I’ll give you this candy bar I found.”
Pewdiepie began to sweat. A whole candy bar? Just for him? This offer was almost too good to pass up...
“Huh? Where are we?” Luna’s eyes fluttered open, and the alicorn princess looked around in a confused state. She looked at Pewdiepie, then Derpy, then the bike, then back at Pewdiepie, then over at a conspicuously Lyra-shaped Meatball, then back at Derpy, then down at the bike, then back at Derpy, then back at Pewdiepie.
“What the holy sweet Jesus in a crackpipe are we doing here?”
Pewdie groaned and rolled his eyes. “Shut up, son...”
Luna looked up at the unicorn with sad puppy eyes. “But dad! I love you!”
“AH DON’T CAAAARRRRRREEEE!” Pewdie’s scream echoed through all of Equestria, waking up Chuck Norris from his three thousand year old slumber. Pewdie then proceeded to do and impossibled backflip, sending Luna spinning into the air, where she gracefully landed on a landmine.
There was a loud BOOM, and bits of Luna showered Pewdie and Derpy. Derpy shuddered in horror, but Pewdie was used to these things. He wiped Luna’s eyeball from his snout and peddled on through, running over several foals who were playing hopscotch on the side of this very large hill. Their skulls popped merrily to the sound of Pewdiepie’s retarded hyena laughter.
Derpy threw up in her mouth, and then vomited all over herself. Even being the evil muffin queen, she couldn’t handle gore of this magnitude.
She was spared further horrors as a large wrecking ball swung from the sky, and smashed her like a bug against a car windshield.
“WHAT THE F-” Derpy’s final words would be added to the “Hall of Not-so Memorable Villain Quotes”, located on 26 Clopper St, Fillydelphia.
Pewdiepie looked back at this, and laughed. “Once again, bros, we are-”
Not looking where you’re biking is not a very good idea, as Pewdiepie found out the hard way as he smashed into a wall of spikes.
Pewdiepie expired, having gone on this epic adventure, accomplishing nothing but killing multiply ponies, several of which were quite important, and pissing off practically the whole site of FIMfiction.
Suddenly, Pewdie’s eyes shot open. he was back in his bed, and he had... hands?
“Oh, thank Jeesbus! I have hands again!” Pewdie tenderly rubbed his nipples with his hands, promising to never leave them again.
“Get back to work, slave!” A squid with a wolf head levitated its way into the room, and cracked it’s whip at Pewdie. It wore a little nametag that said “Official Youtube Employee”.
“We don’t pay you to sleep! Now get back to work, we need to finish enslaving the rest of the human race!”
Pewdie dreary turned on his face cam, booted up “Amnesia: The Poopy Fart”, and put on a fake smile.
“How’s it going, bros? My name is Pewdiepie...”
THE END
Pewdiepie woke up one fine morning to find himself tied to a cavern wall.
"So, this is how we're goin' to start off the day, huh?"
Wiggling around, he had no luck trying to escape from the flimsy plastic that bound him. "Well dahm. I wish I had worked out a bit more now."
Looking down he found himself to be a pony.
"Hey! That's funny because I did an amnesia custom story about-"
"SHUT THE F**K UP!" yelled a pony that sounded a lot like Tobuscus.
"Oh, hey Tobuscus."
"Pewdiepie? Is that you?" The Tobuscus pony looked Pewdiepie up and down. "Jesus, you look like sh*t!"
Pewdiepie looked himself over. He did not look like any sort of fecal matter, but rather like a slightly beat up pony from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Television Show. He proceeded to point this out to Tobuscus.
"I don't look like any sort of fecal matter, but rather like-"
"I know, I know. I read the narration."
"What?"
"Foreshadowing. Anyway, do you have any idea why we're down here?"
"Well, I would think we were being held captive for a demonic ritual to placate some hilarious sounding demonic entity, but that's just-"
A white unicorn wearing ritual robes walked over and stuffed a dirty sock in Tobuscus's mouth. "Well, well, well, Tony. Looks like you'll be getting some time in the spotlight tonight!" The unicorn dragged Tobuscus up to the ceremonial altar where she removed the dirty sock.
"Now now. Don't fight it! It'll only hurt for a seconds, and then you'll die."
"OH GOD, SOME HELP ME!" Tobsuscus screamed as he tried to wiggled himself free.
"Vespa?" Pewdiepie suggested.
The white one giggled. "It's always more fun when they scream!" Taking a sacrificial knife with magic that emanated from her horn, the unicorn plunged the cutting utensil into Tobuscus stomach and proceeded to cut him open. "Lord Shmooz will be pleased!"
Pewdiepie laughed to himself. "Huh, whatya know. I was right."
Then he realized the situation he was in.
"HOLEE SH*T I'M GONNA DIE!"
Looking back up, he saw a pegasus with emo hair quickly fly over to hide behind the sacrificial altar while the white one untied a turquoise unicorn.
Staring blankly at the scene that unfolded, Pewdiepie watched as an amazing battle unfolded before him. If you really want details, take your lazy ass over to chapter 9 of "If Smosh were Ponies".
Then, the white one known as "Rarity" untied Pewdiepie.
"Oh thank Jeebus, I thought I was gonna die!"
The white one laughed. "Well, I hope there are no hard feelings toward us. At least we didn't kill you or anything like that."
Pewdiepie laughed and exited the cavern.
Outside, the grass was shining, the birds were singing, and someone had put a barrel right in front of him.
"FAHKING BARRELS!"
Kicking the barrel, he hurt his hoof immensly. "OW! Jesus Christ!"
Falling to the ground, Pewdiepie rolled around, clutching his hoof. A grey pegasus landed next to him. "You need some-"
Pewdiepie stared at the pegasus. "Ah cahn smell the barrels on yah!"
The grey pegasus narrowed her eyes. "So it begins..."
She flew away, leaving Pewdiepie stranded. "Eh! Come bahk here!"
"Screw you!"
Pewdiepie narrowed his eyes and dragged himself into town.
View Online
McPixel Finds His Sandwich, and Thus the World is Saved
“Oh wait, she’ll probably rescue me at the last-” Lyra hit the lava, and after a few moments of pure agony, died.
Luna looked down at the pool of lava which had destroyed the unicorn. “Fuck.”
***
Pewdiepie and Stephano were back into a corner. Static began to cloud both of their visions, and Pewdiepie gave up all hope of surviving. Pewdiepony recalled back to the days of his youth in Sweden.
“Alright mom, I’m off to school!”
“Beben hoben scooben blobben!” His mom answered back in swedish.
Felix opened the door only to be buried under thirty feet of snow.
Pewdiepie smiled. “Ah yes, good times.” Slenderman slowly closed in on them, and Pewdie closed his eyes.
“Kiss me, Pewdie,” came Stephano’s voice. Pewdie leaned in close, and shed a single tear as his lips closed on Stephano’s golden face. Slenderman stood over them, and then ripped off his suit.
“You’re not Slenderman! You- You’re... SEXUAL OFFENDERMAN!” Pewdie threw Stephano into a corner and kicked his hind legs. He was ready to fight off this rapist as a moments notice.
With a dull thwack, Sexual Offenderman fell over. McPixel stood above his, smiling, and holding a pastrami on rye.
“I found my sandwich.”
MCPIXEL!
***
Luna flew into down the tunnel she thought led to Pewdiepie. She hadn’t dwelled on Lyra for very long, reasoning that there was nothing she could do anyway. She was soon confronted by a winged shadow.
“Hello? Who’s there?”
“Ah, if only you knew...” The voice was distorted, as if a french donkey with a sore throat was trying to speak through a muffin.
“Mother, is that you? You owe me three thousand years of allowance!”
“No, you idiot! Your mother’s dead. And you were adopted.” Luna’s mouth dropped open. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but...” The shadow moved, and rounding the corner came...
Lyra Heartstrings.
“Luna... I AM YOUR MOTHER!”
Luna gasped. “What? NOOOO- wait, didn’t you say you were dead?”
Lyra nodded. “I am. I fucking fell in lava. And you could have saved me. Oh well. You done goofed.” Lyra disappeared in a burst of smoke.
Luna fell to her knees, sobbing. “I’m sorry mother.... If I had known, I would have spent more time with you...”
Derpy, who was running a hologram projector in the background, facehoofed. “And she’s supposed to be running Equestria part time...”
Pewdie and Stephano ran screaming down the hall from Luna when their progress was conveniently impeded by a wall.
“Ow!” Pewdie rubbed his forehead in pain. “How could I have not noticed that? I was looking at it the whole time!”
Luna similar didn’t see the wall so plainly laid out before her, and smashed into it at a high velocity. Pewdiepie couldn’t help but laugh a bit at this, until the wall in which Luna had smashed into opened up.
“Oh hey, it’s like some sort of secret passage or something!”
“Oh really, genius?” Stephano said sarcastically.
“Stephano, your negative attitude isn’t hel-” Pewdiepony began, but was stopped by Stephano putting a minute golden finger up to his mouth.
“Shhh... no more tears... only sleep now...”
“What the fahk are you doing, Stephano?”
Luna, rubbing her head and moaning, stood up, no longer witchified. Taking a look down the passage, the alicorn princess gasped.
Pewdiepie looked over. “What is it, Luna?”
Luna’s face was solemn. “This is the passage of Convenient Sacrifice. It will take us straight to the Barrel Killing Artifact, but we must sacrifice one of our own.” To reiterate on this, she pointed to a large hole in the side of the passage wall which emanated smoke and Nickleback music.
Pewdiepie thought for a few moments. “Hmm... Is Lyra still here? We could kill her...”
Luna shook her head. “No, she died a while back. Oh well.”
Stephano cleared his throat. “I’ll do it.”
Both Luna and Pewdiepie looked over at Stephano is shock. “No, Stephano!” Pewdie screamed. “Not like this!”
Stephano kissed Pewds tenderly. “I shall miss you, my love.”
Pewdiepie’s eyes began to tear. “One more Kiss, Stephano.”
After listening to three whole albums of Kiss, Pewdiepie gave Stephano a tender smooch, then unceremoniously threw him down into the fiery pit of hell.
“Well, now that that’s that,” Luna said happily “Let’s go and get the barrel killing artifact!”
***
A very pissed off(and pissed on) grey pegasus trotted down the halls, dripping urine behind her, when she heard an odd click.
Derpy’s eyes widened. “Oh no... they found the Passage of Convenient Sacrifice! I knew we should have never installed that...”
Derpy ran back to her evil lair, where she pulled up a control panel. After mashing aimlessly on the buttons for a few moments, checking her Facebook, and stopping to lol at the pony memes on My Little Brony, she pressed a large button labeled “Passage of Convenient Villain Insert”, and she was on her way.
“My barrels will stay safe, no matter what...”
