Is Derpy Sexy?

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Rarity
Length: 2474

There are some questions that have baffled Equestrians for centuries. This is not one of them.

There are some questions that have baffled Equestrians for centuries.

What is the meaning of life? Does Heaven exist? Is Derpy sexy?

Okay. Maybe not that last one.

Published 2018-03-22 21:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-22 21:50:07 UTC

Cute Is Sexy Now?

“Yes,” Rarity answered. “A lemon wedge sounds wonderful, actually.”

Awkwardly using her hooves, Rainbow Dash shoved a thin slice of lemon onto the edge of Rarity’s glass. She then did the same to her own lemonade before joining her friend on a sunchair atop Twilight’s castle’s sparkly balcony.

“Doesn’t get much better than this,” Rainbow Dash said, clinking her glass into Rarity’s. “Cold drinks. Warm sun. Whose turn was it again?”

“Mine.” Rarity used her aura to set her drink aside and straighten her sunglasses. “Let’s see now. How about… oh, I don’t know. Let’s go with Spitfire. Do you think Spitfire’s sexy?”

Rainbow Dash snorted at that. “Seriously? Out of all the ponies in Equestria, that’s who you pick? I work with her, Rarity!”

“I know that, dear,” Rarity said with a smile. “But that doesn’t change my question. So, was that random outburst a yes or a no?”

“Well, obviously, it’s a yes.”

“How so?”

“How so?” Rainbow Dash shot back, agitated. “She’s the captain of the Wonderbolts for one thing.”

Rarity raised a well-groomed brow. “And for another thing?”

“She’s… umm, fast! Duh. And, uh, have you even seen her in action before? Or performing? In that tight uniform of hers? Spitfire’s ridiculously sexy, Rarity. Case closed! End of discussion. No further comment.”

“Not quite. What about that hot temper of hers?”

“What about it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“What is it about getting yelled that seems sexy to you?”

“Okay, here’s the thing,” Rainbow Dash explained, sitting up in her sunchair. “Maybe getting yelled at isn’t all that sexy, but… it’s the reason she’s doing it, that I think’s sort of hot. All she’s doing is trying to get the best out of ponies! To make sure no one in the Wonderbolts gives ninety-five percent instead of a hundred!”

Rarity sipped daintily on her drink. “Let’s agree to disagree, then.”

“Fine. Your loss.”

Behind the seated pair, someone loudly cleared their throat.

Neither one turned. They both knew exactly who it was.

“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash greeted.

“Done with your chores and ready to join us?” Rarity asked. “More than enough lemonade to go around.”

Slightly peeved, Twilight Sparkle stomped across the balcony. She furrowed her brows at them. “As much as I don’t mind you girls enjoying the sun up here… do you really have to keep asking which pony is sexier than the other? Kind of demeaning to them, don’t you think?”

Rarity lifted her sunglasses to look at her. “Who said anything about ranking them, dear? We’re just having a simple little chat between us mares. That’s all.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash agreed. “And it’s not like we’re saying one pony is sexy while another isn’t. Every pony can be sexy in their own way.”

“Oh? Is that so?” Twilight asked hotly, blowing a strand of mane from her eyes. “So, even someone as innocent and adorable as… say, Fluttershy could be considered sexy?”

“Yep,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Absolutely,” Rarity happily agreed.

Clearly some of Twilight’s irritation to their conversation ebbed as she took a step closer to them. “How so?”

Rarity told her scholarly, “My theory is that as far as cuteness goes, it comes in three stages. Stage one: normal cute—which is basically every pony in Equestria. Stage two: advanced cute—like, say, Sweetie Belle for instance. And stage three: sexy cute—which means that that particular pony has surpassed the barriers of cute and has therefore become sexy. Very sexy in Fluttershy’s case, I would say.”

Twilight frowned. “Now I’ve heard everything. Cute is sexy now?”

“Everything can be sexy, Twilight. Take smarts for instance.”

Rainbow Dash turned to her. “You mean egghead ponies?”

“No, Rainbow Dash. Smart ponies.” Rarity swiftly exited her sunchair to stand beside Twilight. “Take Twilight here for example—one of Equestria’s smartest mares without a doubt! Look her over. Is she being sexy right now? Hmm. Let’s see what we can do.”

While Rarity rummaged around in her nearby bag, Twilight groaned. “Please don’t.”

“But it’s already begun, darling!”

In the blink of an eye, the makeover was complete; with a frown, Twilight Sparkle now stood with a pair of thick-framed glasses on, her mane tied back into a messy ponytail.

Rarity took a step back to admire her work. “Now Twilight’s smarts tell a story!”

“How Twilight wishes she’d never entered this conversation?” Twilight deadpanned.

“Hush, Twilight. I’m monologuing.” Rarity lightly tapped on her chin. “Where was I? Oh, yes. Smart, sexy Twilight, up all night with only a candle to read from! What could she have been doing up so late? Researching for her latest science text? Discovering the secrets of the universe one magic spell at a time? Or had she simply been up all night counting all those pesky toothpicks she’d accidentally spilled on the floor?”

Twilight sighed. “Is that really what you think I do around here?”

“Of course not, Twilight,” Rarity told her. “Only a story. A rather sexy one, if I must say.”

Twilight put her back to them, leaning on her balcony railing. She watched the mailmare known as Derpy Hooves zip back and forth in the far-off distance, a mishmash of letters held tight between her teeth.

She turned back to them. “So, by your account—since all ponies are technically sexy according to you—a pony like Derpy is sexy, too?”

Rarity sat back in her sunchair, pondering. “Well, she is rather cute, isn’t she? Possibly even advanced cute given her carefree nature and adorable voice. But sexy? Let me think on that a bit…”

That was when Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. “Well, I think she’s—”

“You know who I consider quite sexy?” Rarity cut overtop of her. “Now that you’re a part of the conversation, Twilight; none other than Prince Shining Armor.”

“A Prince who also happens to be married with a child!” Twilight exclaimed loudly.

Rarity only chuckled at her. “Doesn’t mean he can’t still be sexy, even if he’s taken.” She paused, slowly eyeing up Rainbow Dash next to her. “Sadly, some pony doesn’t think the same way as myself on this one.”

“Good!” Twilight blurted, sitting on the floor and crossing both forelegs over her chest. A moment later, she casually asked, “Any particular reason you don’t find my brother… I hate to keep using this word, but… sexy, Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Just not my type, I guess. Too formal. Too… in charge of stuff? It’s hard to explain. But obviously Cadence found him sexy enough.”

“Damn straight!” Twilight said, before rethinking that. “Wait. That just sounded weird coming from me.”

Rarity smirked. “Sexiness must just run in the Sparkle family. Night Light, anyone?”

“Could we please stop talking about all the males in my family?” Twilight asked sourly.

“Sorry, darling,” Rarity replied. “Where are my manners? I haven’t even mentioned Mrs. Sparkle yet!” As Twilight began marching away, she course corrected. “Kidding! Kidding!”

“Hey! Don’t be such a grump, Twi,” Rainbow Dash said, sliding a third sunchair towards her. “Tell us who you think’s sexy, then.”

Twilight ignored the offered seat. Yet she didn’t storm off.

She thought for a moment. “Honestly, you already mentioned someone that I’d consider that way: Princess Cadence. I’ve known her for years and she’s always been beautiful. Almost too beautiful. As well as warm and loving and all that good stuff.”

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof. “What a boring answer! Of course Cadence is sexy! She’s the Princess of Love, for Celestia’s sake! If she wasn’t smoking hot, she’d been sued for false advertising!”

“Discord,” Twilight said flatly. “What about him?”

“Beg pardon?” Rarity asked.

“You said everyone is sexy in their own way, so… Discord. Is Discord sexy according to you two ‘sexiness’ experts?”

Rarity was clearly taken back by that. She finished off half her lemonade before answering her. “Well, perhaps not to ponies like Rainbow Dash and I, but… I’m sure Fluttershy thinks he’s—”

Twilight shook her head. “I’m sure Fluttershy thinks of him as a friend only, Rarity.”

“You can’t know that for sure, though.”

Just then, Rainbow Dash brightened as something must’ve come to mind. “Wait. Didn’t Celestia have a fling with Discord? Like several, several, several millennia ago?”

Grinding her teeth, Twilight told her, “That was just a simple rumor, Rainbow Dash. Princess Celestia wouldn’t—”

“A simple rumor that half of Equestria readily believes?” Rarity interrupted brightly. “Now that Rainbow Dash mentions it… I do seem to recall hearing about that. And it sort of makes sense, does it not? Not the Discord part, I mean, but the Celestia part. What’s that old expression? Opposites attract? I’m sure somepony as busy and overwhelmed as Princess Celestia would more than welcome an individual as fun and reckless as Discord to help keep things interesting. Variety is the spice of life and all that.”

“Speaking of Princess Celestia—” Rainbow Dash began.

“Stop. Right. There,” Twilight countered immediately.

“What?” Rainbow Dash scrunched up her face. “Celestia can’t be sexy?”

Rarity nodded readily. “I must agree with Rainbow Dash here. I find Celestia very sexy, actually. And not due to our matching coats, either. Who else in Equestria is as regal, powerful or graceful as she? And one that lives in a flipping castle, too! Ponies always get bonus points from me if they live in one of those.” Her eyes sparkled for a second. “Can you even imagine how many colts grew up having just the biggest crushes on her? Perhaps even with posters of her over their beds. I mean, what other mare raises the whole sun? Can’t get much hotter than that.”

“But… but…” Twilight struggled for words. “But she’s like… Equestria’s mother!”

Rarity tipped her a wink. “Some ponies find mothers more than alluring, Twilight. You already mentioned Cadence yourself. Forgetting she’s a mother now, too?”

“Although if I had to choose a Princess,” Rainbow Dash began, “it would definitely be Princess Luna.”

“Any particular reason why?”

Rainbow Dash stuck her tongue out as if Rarity had said something vile. “You kidding me? She’s like the misfit out of all the other Princesses! Celestia’s too perfect. Cadence’s too pretty. Twilight’s too smart. Luna has a troubled past! That’s hot. And she’s, like, up all night. Partying.”

Twilight looked at her as still as a statue. “If by ‘partying’ you mean she’s up all night watching over the dreams of ponies, then, yes, Rainbow Dash, that darn Luna sure does ‘party’ quite a bit.”

“You think it ever gets awkward?” Rarity asked in a hushed tone. “If Luna ever enters a dream someone’s having that happens to include her? I remember this one dream I had last year—”

Spinning around, Twilight searched for another topic. Anything would do.

Sadly, there was still only one mare within eyesight, steadily flying by without a care in the world.

“You never really answered my question on Derpy,” Twilight said. “Well? Is Derpy sexy according to you two? Or do I need to go break out my Sexiness Charts and Diagrams in order to assist in your research?”

Both mares said not a word.

Until Rainbow Dash asked curiously, “You actually have some of those, Twi?”

“I was being sarcastic!” Twilight roared.

Rainbow Dash turned to Rarity. “You know what’s not sexy? Sarcasm.”

Rarity laughed. Which only made Twilight all the more enraged.

She told them both, “Next you’ll be telling me Applejack finds Soarin sexy because of how well he eats pie!”

Now both Rainbow Dash and Rarity’s laughed.

Once it was well out of their systems, Rainbow Dash shot out of her seat to wrap a wing around Twilight. She told her earnestly, “I think you’re blowing this all out of proportion, Twilight. We’re not trying to say some ponies are sexier than others or that some aren’t sexy at all. All ponies are sexy! Yes, even Derpy Hooves!”

That last line caught Rarity’s attention. She lowered her sunglasses to watch.

“I mean,” Rainbow Dash continued on a tad sheepishly, “am I the only one that thinks that way? She does what she wants. She doesn’t let anyone get her down. She’s a free spirit and super playful. And you know what? Derpy’s actually a really great flyer! She used to demolish every competition when we were fillies.” She paused, gathering her running thoughts. “And you got to admit… is there anypony else really like her in Equestria? Someone so… herself and happy to be that way?”

Rarity set down her drink, nodding. “I guess I never really thought of it like that, Rainbow Dash. Maybe, I—”

As if on cue, Derpy Hooves flew across the balcony, colliding with another sunchair and a serving table. Apologizing, she rearranged them, before grabbing a small package out of her mailbag and tossing it at Twilight.

Twilight caught it in her aura. “What this, Derpy?”

“That box of toothpicks you ordered.” She lowered her head, slightly embarrassed. “A few fell out on the way over here. Sorry about that.”

Twilight’s eyed the small box. “That’s alright. I’ll just count them again tonight.”

As Derpy crossed the balcony, she roughly stuffed her uniform and hat inside her bag. She stood beside Rainbow Dash expectantly. “You ready to grab lunch now? I’m done with my route. Princess Twilight’s package was my last.”

Instantly, Rainbow Dash’s face flushed. She chuckled uneasily. “Oh? Now? As in right now? Oh, wow! What a random idea! Sure. Yeah, I guess I could do that. I don’t have any plans… or anything like that.”

Derpy turned to her, blinking. “I thought you had plans with me? You said last week we could have lunch and then you’d show me your Wonderbolts card collection.”

“Yes…” A few beads of sweat ran down Rainbow Dash’s flushed face. “I did say that, didn’t I? That would be a correct thing that I said.”

“You still want to watch that movie you said you liked?” Derpy continued on, completely oblivious to Rainbow Dash’s currently pained expression. “I don’t know if I’ll spend the night like you asked, but—”

“Alright! Sounds great! Better get started on all those things you previously mentioned before the sun blows up or something!”

Literally grabbing Derpy around the middle, Rainbow Dash effortlessly lifted her into the air and zoomed away. It was only when they were several hundred feet from the castle that she let Derpy fly on her own, only halting briefly for a small peck on the cheek.

Twilight’s balcony telescope made sure both Twilight and Rarity saw all of this.

Only once Rarity returned to her sunchair did she admit to Twilight, “You know what? Maybe I do find Derpy sort of sexy after all.”

Author's Note

An odd question that entered my head a while ago.

The answer is yes. :derpytongue2: You try telling that face otherwise.