Just a Pretty Normal, Random, Non-Logical Life in PonyLand

by TheNoob

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Non-consensual, Adventure, Sex, Profanity, Violence
Length: 3421

A series of short stories involving Anon's daily "Normal" life.

You are Anon. You have been randomly teleported to ponyhell Equestria . However, instead of the quiet normal life you always wanted, you get stuck with all these helpless ponies, which are always finding new ways to annoy you.

But now, enough is enough!!!! You are now striking back with deadly force, dank memes, communism, hitler's and the power of the internet. With all of this on your side you can't be stopped... right?

Published 2018-03-24 19:30:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-16 19:07:56 UTC

360 No-Scoping

You are Anon. Ever since you landed in ponyland you have been treated like a spoiled child, praised and pampered. The ~~dictators~~ rulers in this land have been kind to you and have given you a home in ponyville and a large sum of money from the royal treasury. Ponyville have gotten more or less used at your presence but you still get weird looks now and then.

But that's not what is annoying you right now. Your plan however was to spend a nice quiet life in the luxury known as your living room. The thing or "ponies" in this case who were annoying you were the well-known Elements of Harmony. It was said to be an honor for the members of the "Mane 6" (as you came to call them) for them to visit one pony or human in your case, so frequently.

By frequently, you don't mean once a week or once a day. You mean about every few minutes you have in your spare time. They always came by your place talking about "coming out of your shell or make friends or whatever" and you always gave them the same response.
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"SLAM!!" It was the beautiful sound of one of your obstacles for a peaceful life, being knocked out of the way. They never seemed to get the message though so they finally went to the princess. Celestia or Trollestia as you now call her, created a law that forced you to interact with at least one pony a day. There wasn't much you could do against an entire army of magically enforced ponies so you just resigned yourself to the fact that you would have to interact with other sentiment creatures.

However, you weren't about to take this lying down and Celestia never did say how you had to interact with ponies...

You started your normal morning routine.

You wake up.

Get into the shower and masturbate to hot pony ass.

Cry out your tears for being reduced to masturbating to pony butt.

Get out of shower.

Put on your clothes after drying yourself off.

Go downstairs and make your breakfast, Bread, eggs and illegally imported bacon form "GriffinVille". Bacon was one of the few luxuries you could enjoy in this world. Not your fault that these ponies were skirmish around anything involving meat. After eating breakfast, prepare to go "socialize" with the local folk, like any good self respecting member of society would do... YEET!!!

Oh, hell no. If the ponies were gonna force you outside your "fortress of solitude" then you were gonna strike back.

A few days ago you went to the local blacksmith with plans for a paintball gun. Why this town had a blacksmith, you didn't know, didn't care and just accepted it as one of the many wonders of ponytopia. You would have tried a real gun but getting butt-raped in prison was not the way to go.

After the gun was built you had promptly ran home, to avoid any questions about the object that you were holding in your hands. Arriving home, you locked all of the locks (10 of them) and prepare to make the "paintball" part of a "paintball gun".

Grinning and Laughing while making it probably wasn't a good idea on your part, as passing ponies recored hearing diabolical laughs from the house.

Present

This was the very reason why you were sitting on top of a building, camouflaged and No-Scoping ponies left and right. The part you enjoyed the most was that whenever you hit one of their "butts" they jiggled, Just like a balloon. You needed that jiggling ass and you were just annoyed at ponies in general.

Feeling the nice breeze on your face and hearing the commotion below just made you feel really good for sniping pony ass to take out your troubles

Yeah!! What, better way to take on your frustration then to snipe ponies butts with a paintball which upon splattering looked like "love juice". The first shot alarmed the ponies who started looking around suspiciously and you suddenly had the urge to call out "SHOTS FIRED!!!". You just kept your eyes on the scope and zoomed into the place that where one of your greater threats lied... THE GIANT MOTHERFUCKING TREE. You knew it had a name but didn't bother to say it.

You didn't want to spoil your mouth after all.

Zooming through a open window you spot your target.

Name: Twilight Sparkle
Codename: Friendship Version 10.0
Hobbies : annoying, reading, being a nerd, friends
Reason for elimination: Tried to give you a social life

After taking proper aim and scratching of the balls your are ready for go time. Unfortunately, things as always never go your way for long in ponyland. As soon as you released the trigger, the ball made its way towards the purple abomination but a certain purple and green lizard jumped into view just too late.

"You see here Twilight, this is why I should get higher... augh AHHH!!!!" Spike chortled out suddenly choking.

"Spike!! What happened to you?!" Twilight wailed out concerned for her friend/slave/brother.

"Just choking here... HELP ME OUT!!!"

"O.K. Lemme get this book on how to stop choking first."

"..." Spike had paled but Twilight still looking for a book had not noticed it yet.

"O.K." you state looking a the scene before you. But that isn't going to be enough to stop you. But there was always a saying you had remembered,
"Sacrifices must be made for the greater good" or some shit like that. You never did pay much attention to elders after all.

After taking the time to salute Spike, you focus in on another high-salary target.

Pinkie Pie.

Oh, the pink demon has terriized your peaceful life the most ever since you got here.

She once built an amusement park in your background, created a musical number and for some reason has been randomly teleporting into your underwear drawer. Those jump scares though, they still give you the creeps up till this day.

Setting up your sniper rifle you try to snipe for the pink fluffly pony , but she seemed to dodge at the last second. You reload and tried again and then, like an autistic minecraft player you raged and cried for about 2 minutes until remembering Splergle saying something about Pinkie Sense (what a rip-off spider sense you think out loud).

Looking through the scope again, you notice the pink menace winking at you and wagging that ass at you. Was she taunting you?

As a man you couldn't take this standing or lieing down so you decided to hit her right between those 2 big wide eyes.

Big.

Mistake.

In slow motion like action, you could see what was happening. You had hit some kind of switch which was connected to a bunch of catapults. Even an idiot like you could see what was about to happen. You started to get up and run off the roof but like a bitch, Karma slaps you right in the ass.

You trip over your equipment and ended up falling of the roof, hitting the ground head first.

As you look up to the "pony heavens". You can only wonder one thing.
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Hopefully, they got ice cream in your hospital bed.

Author's Note

I know not a lot of interaction but hey... first chapter

Anon vs School

You are Anon. And you have just gotten up from your peaceful slumber.

After completing your daily routine of

Waking,

Showering,

Masturbating,

Clothing,

and Eating.

But when you had finished eating you suddenly remembered the horrible detail that was now added to your DAILY routine.....

Socializing with the local Ponies. But hey!!! You at least you had something to do today. You had to go to the schoolhouse and teach ponies about Human culture. This was actually one of the few choices that you had made on your own. Now you were gonna be in charge of the Content that was being sent to feeble pony minds.

But unfortunately this meant that, you had to actually get up your lazy ass of that chair and move out of your humble adobe. You resign yourself to this fact, slowly but surely. Then you push in your chair, and carefully walk towards the door to not set-off any of the "pony traps" you had set for your very own ~~isolation~~ protection.

However, after you make it past the traps, you quickly run outside and up the road towards "PonySchool". But when you arrive there, you start to rise up your fist to knock on the air but you stop mid air.

Creating a Karate Chop like pose, you bring your hand down on the door and the door blasts open. Just like how motherfuckas fly after meeting up with Chuck Norris' fists.

"Oh, hello there. Ok, Class this is the Human I've been talking about. His name is Anon. Now, say "Hi Anon" Teacher presents.

"Hi Anon" the class repeats in a monotone like voice.

Strutting into the classroom (like a boss, of course) you loudly announce your presence to the homies in the crib.

"WHAT UP, HOES!! It's your boi Anon here and I am taking over this classroom for da day. But there is still one little problem here..."

The Class claps while looking at you like they couldn't give 2 fucks about your AMAZING AND EPIC ENTRANCE!!!!!

You turn around and give Ms. Cheerilee a stink eye and point your finger towards the now repaired doorway. You will never understand how logic works in this place.

"OUT!!!" you yell.

"Bu- But, I'm the teacher here. Your just a host speaker."

"No, screw that. We are gonna do things like they do in the good ol' USA!!!!"

You face towards the class in a professional manner and ask out loud "Do you wanna have a teacher, mothafuckas or the great Anon"?

Of course you would expect the students to choose the great Anon for teacher of the day. Approximately, about 10 seconds later you were flying through the window and ended up hitting the disgusting dirt.

IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!

How could does students love their teacher more than the occasional sub that comes by? What the fuck is wrong with pony education? However, you will get your revenge for being thrown out of the classroom. Fuckin' magic.

You did your morning routine and now you were sitting down on the table reading the newest newspaper article.

School Burns Down In Fire: School will be cancelled for a week

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As you continue to read the article, the grin you had on intensified, as you thought you did a job well done. Perfect now time to celebrate with extra bacon for boot. You eat your goddamn extra special bacon, then you are walking around aimlessly with no goal.

However, as you walk pass the library you get hit by a book going at high speeds. As you yell "COMMIES!!!" you manage to get a look at the murderous book that had hit you for no apparent reason.
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1001 Reasons why School is Fun

Fuck this shit, your out. As you slowly lumber away into the distance you fail to notice a certain teacher hiding in the bushes with an arsenal of School related books.

"Now why did that book even hit me? I did no wrong right?" you wonder to yourself.

Author's Note

Karma is a very powerful thing.

Chapter 3

What the fuck am I doing here? you wonder to yourself, holding an invitation in your hands. The invitation said this was going to be giving you more illegal bacon. But now that you were here you are wondering why you didn't stay in the luxury of your home.

ALONE.

2 hours ago: You were at home and eating illegal bacon when something had crashed into your window breaking, and then proceeded to continue its fall right into your breakfast.

"What the fuck are you!!" you yell out, mad that the ponies had once again screwed with your life.

The pony in question just held up a letter with your name on it. Looking back at the pony again you realize that this is Derpy, who always seemed to crash into everything in everyway. But that was not going to bring back your bacon.

"Derpy, can you please stand still please..." you asked.

The pony complied with your requested and stood completely still. You started to back up, giving yourself room for the upcoming event.

"GOAL!!!" you yell, running up to the mailmare and punting them up into the air, out of your house and unto the street.

After that you just went and sat down to read the letter that was for you.

Dear Friend,
I have heard about your issue about meat, my friend. Come and join me at this address my comrade.

Now you were standing in front of a totally not dark, suspicious building, all alone at night. You gave the ~~door three knocks~~ You knocked don the motherfucking doors that were in your way and make yourself at home on the couch, totally ignoring the sign that said "No sitting on the couch". However, a pony with bright orange color makes their way towards you

"Welcome Anon, to our meeting. My name is-"

"Orange Pony, where's the bacon"

"That'll come later, my friend and as I was saying my name is-"

"ORANGE PONY, I don't give a fuck about who you are, what you did but I do care about where my food is"

"There are some questions I, may have to ask you before you can get the meet."

You looked down at your watch. 15 minutes behind schedule. By now you should be ~~harassing~~ interacting with ponies at the park. There was no forgiveness to those who got in your way. Looking around the place, you spotted an oven in the back of the room.

Then you looked back at the Orange Pony who was now holding a book titled "101 Ways To Gain Info From Undocumented Species".

Suddenly, you came up with a very evil plan.

"Orange Pony, I will answer all your questions but can I have a look a your oven and could you describe it for me?"

"Sure, If I can get all my answers eventually"

The 2 of you walked towards the oven and after some persuasion, you got Orange Pony to remove the contents of the oven and turn it on too.

"-And as you can see her- augh!!!!

You took Orange Pony shoved him into the oven like the good jew he was. After closing the oven, you walk towards the door and slam it close before leaving.

Sure you could have stolen his bits, but then you would have been breaking a law. But there is no law against sticking ponies in ovens. And plus even, if someone did track you down you, could always blame it on your non-existent twin brother Jose.

You are now home, sitting down and relaxing with the newspaper in front of you.

You aren't worried about the fact Orange Pony could die because in the few months that you were in ponyland, you have never heard of anyone dying. NEVER. You just assumed that all the ponies here are semi-immortal or some shit like that.

Yep, just don't worry about the fact that a pony's getting roasted, literally. These are your thoughts as you take a swing of Applejack's Apple Cider.

Good Stuff.

Author's Note

I don't even know what i did here.
Any Anon story requests, I got to wait a while before I can get the great Brain juices running again.

Dying

Dying.

The act of which when one loses his/her life in some way or form. Well at least, that was. the way dying worked on your great ol' home planet, Earth. In fact ever since you got on this weird as fuck alien planet, you have never heard anything about any deaths.

Yes, you still heard of ponies going to the hospital but never a death.

That was gonna change today.

You woke as usual, late in the morning and started your usual morning routine.

Waking,

Showering,

Masturbating,

Clothing,

and Eating.

Afterword, you walked into a nice calm spring breeze. Almost too calm considering what you were going to do today. You closed your door after yourself and started your trek towards the Ponyville Hospital. After, awkwardly saying "Hello" back to passing ponies, you reach your destination.

"Umm, Hello. I wanna see if there are any gravely injured ponies in this place?"

Suddenly, the area became so quiet that you could even hear a pin drop. I swear to this day I heard ominous music in the background.

"Let me rephrase that?" Some of the color returned to ponies faces when I said that.
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"Are there any ponies on the verge of death?"

*THUD*

5 of the ponies in the area around me fell victim to my "not kid-friendly" speech and had taken upon themselves to lay their heads on the hard, laminated tile floor.

"W-Why do you request this information?" asked the attendant behind the counter who was also one of the only ponies still "standing".

"Official Research Business" you replied back to her without batting an eye.

"B-Bu..."

"I REQUEST TO SEE ALMOST DEAD PONIES!!" you yell out, pinching the bridge of your nose in frustration. Then you walked towards the double doors on the right and yell out I WILL REVEAL THE SECRET CONSPIRACY!!!"

You walk down the corridor taking a look in each room. No one seemed to be even close to dying. Behind every door you just say the usual. Cooking Burns, scratches, cuts, broken limbs, burnt in ove- Hey!! There was that Orange Pony you threw in the oven like a good jew. He seemed to have completely healed and was now sleeping. Welp, better move on before he notices you.

Cuts, Burns, Bruises, Pinkie Pie, Broken Limbs, wait... PINKIE PIE. You never imagined her to be in a hospital due to the fact that she pulls of physically impossible acts all the time. In fact you now, took a few steps back, turned and walked right into Pinkie's room.

"Hiya, Anon." she spoke out seeing you arrive.

"Sup, what's you doing here?" you nonchalantly reply back, making sure that the door is closed all the way.

"You see I... Blah blah blah" Pinkie spoke wildly. To put it simply, she fell out of her hot air balloon and suffered a bone fracture in 3 bones and broke her left front hoof.

You see. Us humans have it tough. If we fell from a hot air balloon, we wouldn't get a little fracture... it would be death 98% of the time. You ended you mini rant and spot a surgeon's knife on a shelf (just cause I dunno, they're always there?). Coming up with yet another smart plan you took the knife off the shelf and ask Pinkie "Can I do an Experiment on you?"

"Okie, dokie, loki!!!"

"Thanks" you said as you lifted the knife and brought it down on Pinkie's leg. Blood gushed out and you could see veins. The white curtains became blood-stained. And so did your hands. But for some reason Pinkie was smiling through all this.

"Dafaq are you smiling?"

"Hehehe, lookie here"

You start to see the cut-off leg pulsing, And before your eyes, you see it start to regenerate more tissue and skin. Fuck this. Even if this was Pinkie Pie, you just can't heal from injuries that easily. It was pure BULLSHIT. And Pinkie was just giggling as if this was normal.

Then you started thinking, Maybe this works with humans too, in this world at least. Then you turn to Pinkie and ask her to hold the knife. You get your right arm into position and you looked up to her and nodded with a determined face. She looked back at you with an equally determined face.

"Let's do this shit"

*SLICE*
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"AUGH!!!!!"

Let's just say it was way harder for you to masturbate for 3 months.

Author's Note

Any suggestions from anyone