Procrastination, Paperwork, and Ponies is Trouble Waiting to Happen
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Diplomacy, Friendship, and Stress All Go Hand In Hand
Procrastination, Paperwork, and Ponies is Trouble Waiting to Happen
If one were to go past the throneroom of the Celestial Diarchy, take two lefts, a right, go past the large ornate doors that were the library, they would find a very boring door. So boring that most times that one would gloss over it in favor of the very interesting potted plant set just opposite of the door.
This was by design as that door was the office of one of the most important parts of the Equestrian government and defense. So important that despite all the paperwork involved in the Office of Diplomacy, Espionage, and Defense, there was only one full time worker.
To be fair though, the workload was typically manageable enough for one pony. In the past month though, a Festival of Friendship was planned which meant that all of Equestria’s allies had to be invited which meant security details for the ambassadors, welcome committees had to be formed among other things.
Knowing this, Prince Blueblood the Fifty Second, nephew of Princess Celestia, Equestria’s First Diplomat (Ceremonial Title), Unofficial Spymaster (Actual Title), former Equestria’s Number One Bachelor, etc. etc. had buckled himself in and tackled all the paperwork and all that it entailed with copious amounts of slightly illegal stimulants.
He had planned to enjoy the first day of the week long Festival before he was to deal with all the diplomatic niceties entailing dragons, yaks, buffalos, and deer coming into one place.
And then the invasion happened. Prince Blueblood was a bit peeved about that. Thankfully his four day action plan for a Coup D’Etat did not need to see the day. Unthankfully, the bane of his diplomatic career had somehow come up with three more races to throw into the formerly cleaned up mess that was the Festival of Friendship.
Grabbing a sandwich from the platter, Prince Blueblood spoke to his partner in beuracracy, “So I’ve been thinking…”
“The last time you were thinking,” Raven Inkwell, Secretary of the Celestial Diarchy, remarked to the good Prince sitting on her couch, reading and shuffling papers into the correct piles as quickly as they came into her office, “You decided letting one of the most naive and inexperienced ponies to ever ascend to royalty take charge with trade agreements with the yaks. They almost called off every single one of the trade agreements we were working on for five years. Forgive me if I hold my breath.”
Normally, she was Princess Celestia’s Aid and the Official Spymaster of Equestria, but Prince Blueblood’s auntie had taken pity on him and given him a helper in the organization of the whole mess. However, he was barely functioning without his specially blended(Read: Highly Experimental) cup of stimulants.
The good Prince waved a hoof in the air as he munched on a levitating sandwich, reading and shuffling his share of the reports, “Eh, it worked out in the end. And I got mad street cred with the boi.”
“Please never say that phrase again,” Raven Inkwell idly threw one of her feather quills at her… co-worker. Co-worker was the only term that she used, damn whatever Princess Celestia said. Ignoring the yelp from the good Prince as the quill embedded itself halfway into the arm of the couch, only scant centimeters away from his lounging head, she continued to work. “What were you thinking?”
“We should elope.”
Half a dozen quills joined the first one on the couch. Raven continued her work, idly remarking, “You’re getting me a new couch.”
“Fine. I will, you crazy mare,” Prince Blueblood muttered as he gathered the flung papers and filed them into various folders. Being the smart stallion he was, he did not mention the fact that the couch was actually his, seeing as this was his office.
Silence reigned as the pair worked silently in their conjoined offices. Sighing, Raven continued her work as she asked, “Why would you suggest eloping?”
“It would give us an excuse to not be here for the… inevitable talks we’re going to have with the yaks, the dragons, the buffalo, the deer, the changelings, the Avians, the Hippogriffs, the Abyssinians, and for some reason, the Hippos.”
“I can understand most of the others, but what did the Hippos do?”
The good Prince shrugged, “I don’t know. They showed up at the Festival of Friendship, helped clean up, and now they’re staying in the West Wing.”
“Oh, that’s not good. I hope Princess Celestia knows what she’s doing.”
“The Hippos are surprisingly well behaved,” Prince Blueblood sighed as he straightened out another stack and slid it to the finished pile, “Already finished renewing trade agreements and they’re leaving tomorrow. Do you want some cleansing oil by the way? The hippos swear that it’s what gives their skin its luscious gesture.”
“No,” Raven wrinkled her nose as she remembered how the hippos produce it. ” Why did you mention the hippos then if they’re not going to be a problem?”
“Because everything else is going to be a shitshow if we can’t figure this out in a month.”
Continuing the paperwork, Raven pictured all the various allies of Equestria in a room together and winced. She then pictured the three new unknowns and winced even more.
“Well, at least we’re friends with all of them.”
“I’ve asked for an audience with Princess Celestia. At her earliest convenience.”
Raven’s eyebrow rose in surprise. That was… out of character for Blueblood to not procrastinate a meeting.
“And no. I’m not going to play up the stupid prince act if it’s public,” the good Prince clarified further.
“Moon and stars, what the actual buck?” Raven gaped. For some odd reason, the good Prince was obsessed with having ponies underestimate him, which included acting like an idiotic ponce in public. He had kept up the persona for a good two decades now, and had fooled even the Spirit of Chaos and the Queen of Changelings. He was ridiculously proud of the persona as the good Prince continuously bragged to her on their lunch meetings. For him to take such a huge risk… That did not bode well.”Is it really that bad?”
“During the Festival of Friendship,” Prince Blueblood explained, ”One Fizzlepop Berrytwist AKA Tempest Shadow, who was acting as the Storm King’s Right Hand Mare was publically seen being forgiven by the Princess of Friendship. Which is all fine and dandy until you remember that the Queen of Hippogriffs was standing, ooh I don’t know, ten feet away from the event? And who led the army that destroyed the Hippogriffs kingdom and forced them to escape to the sea for the better part of a decade?”
Raven’s eye twitched, she asked, stunned, “What the buck?”
“It gets better,” the good Prince smiled as though he was about to be punched in the face. ”The Storm King’s Soldiers? They were joining in on the Festival of Friendship.”
She groaned and shoved her face into her forehooves, “Oh buck me.”
“Buck us!” Blueblood laughed, a note of hysteria creeping in, “They ransack Abyssinia, raze Mt. Aris to ruins, force one of the Avian’s pirateers under their command, basically enslave Equestria for three days, and what the hell does the Princess of Friendship do at her festival? Give them the equivalent of amnesty!”
Raven sighed, “Well, it’s pretty bad. I can see why you’re going to discuss this with Princess Celestia. What’s your worst case scenario?”
“Well, worst case scenario is that she puts the Court of Harmony on the job.”
“Court of-” Raven narrowed her eyes in confusion, “,”Are you talking about the Mane-”
“No. That’s a stupid name for the former Bearers of Harmony. They need a more respectable title than that,” Prince Blueblood snapped as he organized the pile he was buried under into a more manageable order.
“You got the white one covered in cake a few years back,” Raven pointed out the slight hypocrisy in Blueblood’s statement.
“She was very pushy.”
“Not the-” she sighed, rubbing her forehead in frustration, “,”You know what? Never mind. What is your obsession with the word Court?”
“Luna has the Night Court with her thestral army, Auntie Celly has the Day Court and the Royal Guard, and Amore has the Crystal Court and her Crystal Guard,” Prince Blueblood explained, reading and shuffling papers into the piles. “,” It’s one of the things Princesses just have. And seeing as they’re the former Bearers of the Elements, Savior of the Tree of Harmony, live in the bloody castle sprouted from the Tree of fucking Harmony? And they literally meet up every week to discuss about the week’s ongoings? They’re pretty much a Court. Just with a hella lot less backstabbing and shadow games, thank gods for that.”
Tapping her chin, Raven mused over this line of thought and found herself nodding in understanding before narrowing her eyes as she reviewed the past conversation. She asked, “,”Why would they being put in charge of the diplomatic ongoings be your worst case scenario?”
“Because while they have the best fucking track record in solving diplomatic problems I have ever seen, they’re also responsible for some of the biggest damn problems too,” the good Prince moaned as he slammed his face into the table.
“Such as…?”
“Have you even been listening to me when we go out for lunch?”
“Yes,” Raven adjusted her glasses with a white hoof, saying. “, ”You look like you need to vent though.”
“Well, for one thing, they solved that whole mess in Appleloosa with the new settlers and the buffalo but on the other hand they have no sense of self preservation. Whatsoever. They consistently get into life and death scenarios. Like that time they went to a dragon. The blue one fucking bucked the dragon in the face. And the white mare that hit on me? Holy fucking shit balls, she actually tried to steal from the dragon.”
“What about the yellow one? She seems like she would be scared of her own shadow.”
“She kidnapped Philomena.”
They both winced. Philomena the phoenix, Princess Celestia’s personal pet, was one of the nation’s national treasures as the only known tame phoenix in the world. However, despite being a national treasure she needed no guards as the charred body of a smuggler a few months back can personally attest.
That is if his voice box ever recovered from the third degree burns.
Having quite forgotten about the paperwork at this point, Raven shuddered at the memory, “,”How did she ever survive?”
“Same way she befriended the bloody spirit of chaos.”
“Which is…?”
“No fucking idea,” Blueblood sighed as he grabbed another sandwich from the platter. Carefully not spraying crumbs, he continued, “,”The discussion is going to have to deal with Tempest Shadow and the Storm King’s army. That’s going to be a shitshow. Because the Abyssinians and the Hippogryphs totally want their heads on a platter, and because Twilight Sparkle pretty much invited them to her Festival. Equivalent of amnesty in the eyes of many of the Storm King’s victims.”
“...Did you know I had almost forgotten the fact that our go to solution to national threats is these ponies?” Raven sighed, picking up a thermos of tea from beneath her desk and opening it to begin her lunch. She was a firm believer in the division of work and lunch unlike Blueblood’s insistence of combining the two.
Returning to his previously abandoned workload, Prince Blueblood muttered, ”I would too if I didn’t have to do clean up their messes so often. Some of their earlier misadventures almost caused national emergencies. It’s a fucking miracle that we’re not all dead at this point.”
Sighing heavily, he plunked his head onto the desk and moaned, “We have a month to figure out our agenda for the first Meeting of Unity in centuries. A bloody month. Before the delegation leaves to go to Mt. Metazoa.”
“Mt. Metazoa? The one with one of the world’s largest libraries? With records of virtually every species on the planet? Copies of treaties, declarations, trade agreements, and pacts?” Raven most assuredly did not squee.
Rolling his eyes, the good Prince nodded, saying,”Yes. And if all goes well, you and I will be going there with the Court of Harmony for the talks.”
Raven most assuredly did squee this time, completely forgetting the second part of that sentence. Thankfully, for Prince Blueblood, a letter burst into flames in front of him and he left quietly to speak with his Auntie.
“...Wait,” Raven murmured, slowly coming down from her high,”What do you mean we’ll be going there with the Court of Harmony!?”