Cadance's Machinations

by SoloBrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance, Fluttershy, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 3291

Silly Jinglemas story about Cadance attempting a Batman Gambit while playing matchmaker, of sorts. Results are silly and explosive.

Anon doesn't want to be alone for Hearth's Warming. Cadance has ulterior motives. Shenanigans ensue.

No, really, that's basically it.

Written for Jinglemas, posted late, because something something busy.

Published 2018-03-25 02:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-25 02:20:07 UTC

What could possibly go wrong?

"Anon?"

Cadance frowned, perplexed.

"Anon as in anonymous? Are you saying you don't want to tell me your name?"

Anon groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing his eyes.

"No, Anon is my name. I get that a lot."

"Oh," Cadance said while rolling her eyes and flipping her hair back, "Sorry. Just threw me off. So, what is it you needed?"

"I'm told that you're the pony to speak to about finding love."

Cadance frowned slightly, casting her eyes slightly downwards.

"That's true, but... love takes time to foster, Anon. Hearth's Warming Eve is a little late to be trying to find a date. I'm sorry."

"It doesn't have to be romantic."

Cadance glanced up in confusion, and Anon rubbed the back of his neck as he continued.

"Any kind of love will do. I just want someone to know that I exist. And, like, be glad about that."

"Oh!" Cadance's countenance (try saying that five times fast) brightened, and she smiled, "I'm sorry, I'm not used to people using the term 'love' so generally. Are you saying you're familiar with the 'four loves' paradigm?"

Anon nodded, smiling proudly in turn.

"In the human world, it's a Greek concept. I'm big on the Greeks. They have a lot in common with Equestria culturally. Kinda."

"In that case, I think I can help you after all. I know a pony who was going to be spending most of Hearth's Warming this year taking care of her animals – I'm sure she'd love some company!"

"Really? Thanks! I wasn't looking forward to spending it alone, either."

Cadance nodded, still beaming, and motioned for Anon to follow her. They traveled together to the Crystal Empire train station, and she got him a ticket to Ponyville, due to arrive Hearth's Warming morning. As he was boarding, she caught him with a hoof and looked him in the eyes.

"Just remember, to be loved, you usually have to give love first."

"Really? Seems like that would mean no one would ever—"

"Just trust me, okay?"

Anon chewed his lip, then nodded.

"Guess you're the expert here. Alright."

Cadance smiled and waved him off as he boarded the train. Anon waved back from his compartment and then slid a book out of his satchel titled 'Making Friends: A Primer for non-Equestrians by Twilight Sparkle'.

"Fluttershy, huh..."

-

"Now let's see... shouldn't it be around here?"

Anon had found himself somewhat lost on the edge of the Everfree Forest, hunting for Fluttershy's cottage. He sighed, cupping his chin in a hand, and considered his options.

Think back to your training, Anon. In a situation like this, the best thing to do is ask for directions...

Anon looked around, but nopony was in sight.

Okay, minor problem with that. No ponies. Hmm... what do I know about Fluttershy? She's a pegasus. She's shy. She takes care of the local – ah, that's it!

Anon snapped a finger and glanced through the trees until he spotted a squirrel. He waved to them.

"Hey! Which way is Fluttershy's?"

The squirrel cocked its head in curiousity, but otherwise didn't respond. Anon sighed.

Guess not everyone can speak to the animals. Okay... what else do I know? She's yellow, has butterflies for a cutie mark, and has a pink mane...

Anon smirked and pulled his art tablet and stylus out of his satchel. He kept glancing at the squirrel while working furiously, and soon the squirrel had crawled up next to him to watch what he was doing.

"Okay, this is good enough."

Anon showed the rough sketch of what he imagined Fluttershy to look like to the squirrel. It responded with barely-suppressed laughter.

"Not even close, huh? Look, do you know where she is or not?"

The squirrel, still tittering to itself, waved Anon over and began scampering off. Anon sighed, stowed his art tablet, and followed it.

Score one for my survival skills. Except I could have avoided all of this if I had just asked for directions in town. Someone really needs to speak with Cadance about her direction-giving skills. Well, I guess those types of things aren't as important in Equestria; people here probably don't go on long treks abroad with nothing but a notecard of rough instructions.

After a short walk, Anon found himself on the most picturesque little cottage he'd ever seen. Sunbeams broke through the nearby trees, giving a soft golden glow to everything in the vicinity, and a charming little brook ran underneath a quaint bridge nearby.

Whoa. I need to get a sketch of this later – No! Bad Anon! Focus!

Anon shook off his awe and waved to his little squirrel friend, who scampered off into the cottage, to his surprise. He crossed the bridge, came up to the door, and hesitated.

Am I really supposed to befriend this pony today of all days? Oi... Heck of a way to celebrate my first Hearth's Warming, all this pressure. What if she doesn't like me? What if she doesn't like humans? What if she freaks out about me being here and it creeps her out and the next thing I know the whole town is coming after me with pitchforks and torches and magic? What's my escape plan? Maybe I could make it into the portal to the human world? But that's in the highly-guarded crystal castle at the center of town! No way I could—

"Ummm... hello?"

Anon yelped in surprised and jumped forward a step in fright, bumping his head on the top of the doorframe.

"Oww..."

Anon looked around behind him frantically, where he spotted a Fluttershy who looked almost entirely unlike his sketch.

Always be aware of your surroundings! Never get lost in thought like that! And work on your predictive sketching skills, damnit!

With those cheerful self-reprimands, Anon rubbed his forehead with a wince while stammering out an explanation.

"H-hi, Miss Shy, I'm A-Anon and I, uh..."

"Were you too shy to knock on my door?"

Quick, come up with an excuse...!

Wait, does lying serve any purpose here?

Realizing that it didn't, Anon just frowned and slumped a bit.

"Yeah..."

"Cadance sent word you'd be here, you know. It's okay."

"Oh. She did?"

She gave away my approach!

Wait. That's a good thing. Dangit, my instincts are all wrong for this place.

Fluttershy nodded, "Yeah, she told me there was a human in Equestria looking for someone to spend Hearth's Warming with, and she knew I'd be alone except for my animals today."

Anon pulled his jacket around him a bit more tightly and chewed his lip over.

"Don't you have friends here in Ponyville, though?"

Fluttershy nodded with a bright smile.

"Oh, yes. I have a lot of friends here. It's just that they're mostly spending time with their families today, and my family is on vacation. I couldn't leave my little animal friends alone that long during the cold winter, but I'll be going to a Hearth's Warming party tonight."

"A p-party?"

Parties. Parties are the worst. So many people. So many things that can go wrong. So much risk.

Fluttershy nodded and happily trotted up to her door, pulling it open with a wing.

Whoa.

"Yes, Pinkie Pie is throwing a party tonight. It's her Eve-Of-Hearthswarming-But-Not-Hearthswarming-Eve party. She throws it every year."

"But... won't there be a lot of ponies there?"

Anon shuffled uneasily, and Fluttershy looked into his eyes with sympathy.

"Oh, are you afraid of crowds? I know what that's like."

Well, honesty's worked out so far.

"I hate crowds. I always worry someone nasty will slip in and hurt somebody. It's always just made me, y'know... uneasy. I guess that's why I haven't met many ponies."

Fluttershy nodded and gestured Anon into the cottage.

"I know exactly what you mean. Still, it's worth it to face your fears to meet new people."

They stepped into the cottage and it wasn't long before they had tea and cucumber sandwiches (Anon wasn't thrilled about that last part), and were talking about everything from social anxiety to the zen of animal care. They periodically stepped out to help various creatures with their problems, and Anon had completely forgotten about his original reason for being there by the time the sun was setting.

-

"Anon, I was wondering something."

Fluttershy was tidying up around the college while Anon poked around on his tablet with a stylus.

"Oh? What's that?"

"How come you're human? Twilight told me that humans turned into ponies when they came through the portal."

"I didn't come through the portal. I'm not sure how I ended up in Equestria – just woke up here a few months ago."

"Oh. Well... why haven't you used the portal to go home, then?"

Anon paused in his tapping, and sighed.

I guess I can be... mostly honest here.

"I don't want to go back home. I had nothing going on there."

"Don't your family or friends miss you?"

"Nope."

"Oh..."

Fluttershy gently flew to a nearby chair and looked at him plaintively. She fidgeted a bit while Anon resumed his tapping, but finally spoke up again.

"Are you really sure about that? That no one misses you?"

"They sent me away a long time ago. Long before I ended up here. We never spoke, no one ever came calling for me – they might not even remember I exist at this point. If anyone does remember, no one's glad I do. I'm nothing to them."

Fluttershy cast her gaze down, and Anon looked up in concern.

Uh-oh. Did I offend her? Is speaking ill of your family a big faux-pas here?

Anon wasn't quite sure whether he cared if it was a faux-pas or not. He couldn't bring himself to speak positively of his family either way.

"You wanted to get away from this today, didn't you? I'm sorry I brought it up."

"I did, but don't worry. Speaking about it doesn't bother me."

Anon resumed his tapping, and Fluttershy fidgeted uncomfortably for a few more moments.

"Uhh... if you don't mind my asking, what is that?"

"Oh, this is a human invention. It's called a tablet. I've configured this one for art."

"So you're... painting?"

Anon smirked to himself.

"Painting and sketching."

"Ooh! I didn't know you were an artist! Can you show me?"

"Well... sure, it's nearly done anyway."

Anon flipped the tablet around and Fluttershy's cheeks turned scarlet.

"You've been painting... me?"

"Throughout the day, with your animals, yeah. Here, look."

Anon flipped through several images of Fluttershy tending her animals, of varying levels of completeness. Fluttershy watched quietly, her eyes wide.

"Why did you paint all of this?"

"I try to paint anything I think is beautiful."

The scarlet crept up along to Fluttershy's ears, and she let out a mild squeaking sound. She hid one of her eyes behind her hair as she spoke.

"You think I'm beautiful?"

Anon paused, and tapped his stylus against his chin idly. He didn't realize he was blushing slightly as well.

Honesty has worked so far, but I should be careful how I phrase this.

"I'm not really good with that kind of assessment, generally. To me, you look like a pony. But when you're tending your animals... yeah. Definitely."

Fluttershy shuffled around a bit, and Anon panicked internally.

Uh-oh. Now I've done it. Hmm... I think I can make the sprint to the castle from here... maybe it will be abandoned because of that party. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Before Anon had a chance to act on his ill-advised plan, Fluttershy spoke up, still hiding an eye behind her hair.

"Do you want to come with me to the party tonight?"

"Buh?"

Anon spluttered and froze, his brain struggling to process what had just happened. Realizing he couldn't just sit there forever, he quickly said the first thing that seemed reasonable.

"Uh, sure. Yeah. I'd love to."

Idiot! This is going to be a catastrophe!

-

The party was not, as it turned out, catastrophic. In fact, it was quite pleasant, and Anon found himself warming up to all of the ponies he met. While it had initially unnerved him how many ponies were there (not to mention princesses Twilight and Cadance being in attendance), by the end of the evening he found himself thinking of ways to move to Ponyville permanently in order to stick around all of the new friends he'd made.

Even Fluttershy's animals seemed like worthwhile company, up to a point.

Anon deliberated as he accompanied Fluttershy back to her cottage in companionable silence. Once they had reached her doorstep, Fluttershy turned to him.

"Did you have a good time, Anon?"

"Yeah, definitely! Thanks so much for inviting me. I haven't had that much in... ever, actually. It was great making some real friends for once."

Fluttershy beamed at him, and then glanced around and shuffled slightly. A slightly uneasy silence rested between them for a moment.

"I suppose you will be heading back home now, huh?"

"I was actually thinking of getting a place here in Ponyville."

"Really?!"

Anon nodded, shrugging.

"I'm a pretty good builder, so I figure I'll make a little house here on the edge of the Everfree like you. Twilight said I could crash at the castle if I wanted, and I might ask around for a few places to rest until it's done."

Fluttershy threw her hooves around Anon in a big hug. He'd gotten a lot of those from Pinkie Pie, but it still surprised him enough that he took a moment to reciprocate. They stayed like that for a few long moments before letting go.

"I'm glad to hear you'll be staying around."

"Yeah, making a good friend and then leaving would put a damper on the whole thing, heh."

Anon noticed Fluttershy shift uneasily at the phrase 'good friend', but wasn't sure what to make of it.

Better skip out before I make her more uncomfortable.

"Well, good night, Fluttershy."

"Oh. Uh... good night, Anon."

There was a brief pause between the two of them, and Anon noted that Fluttershy seemed a bit put-out.

What's going on here? Did I misread her feelings about me? Because of my conversation with Cadance earlier, I guess I put any romantic thoughts out of my mind – maybe Fluttershy thought of this as a date?

Anon almost asked her, but the question died in its throat.

No, that's too awkward. What's a more subtle way of approaching this? Hmm...

Well, Cadance did say I'd have to give love to get love. Maybe I should throw subtlety out of the window.

Anon leaned down near Fluttershy, whose eyes went wide. He gently leaned in and put a kiss on her cheek, prompting a blush and a quick peck in response from her.

As he leaned back, he opened his mouth to speak again, but he was interrupted by a brilliant flash of light and a sudden sense of weightlessness. A white light enveloped him, and he felt an odd sense of calm and warmth.

Then it stopped and he fell to the ground rather gracelessly.

Anon sat up and shook his head. "Whuh...?"

"You're a changeling?!"

Anon stared at Fluttershy, whose mouth hung open in shock. He glanced around his body, only to see a deep purple hue where his black carapace should have been.

"Gah! My holes are gone! My skin is wrong! What just happened?!"

Wait, crap, my cover's blown! And the party was at the castle, so I bet there are still ponies there and I can't flee to the human world! Quick, find an exit route!

Just then, Cadance leapt from some nearby bushes and laughed malevolently, sending tendrils of horror through him.

"a-HA! I thought you might be a changeling, Anon! I see you took my advice!"

Anon stood up, torn between rage, shock, and confusion, and stabbed a hoof at Cadance.

"You did this to me?! Why? How?! Whyhow?!"

That difficult stealth mission to go through Twilight's portal, months spent observing humans, all down the drain!

Cadance smirked and rolled her eyes.

"When changelings share love, they transform and stop needing to take it. How long have you been away from the hive? It's been a thing for years now."

"Wait, seriously? Why do I look like a bad flower arrang—"

Anon was cut off as Fluttershy zipped up to Cadance, flying just a bit above her, and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck.

"You mean to tell me you set this date up for me as some kind of trap? How dare you?!"

Cadance tried to stammer out an explanation as Fluttershy shook her irritably. Anon just looked on in shock.

Whoa. This pegasus can really handle herself when she's mad. She'd have made a good warrior.

"N-no! Not just that! I'd heard a lot about Anon from Celestia and I thought you two might be compatible, but I just wanted to make sure you were safe! I thought this might be the best way to coax him to transform a-and you two would be happy! W-w-win-win!"

Fluttershy set Cadance down and flew back a few paces, setting on the ground and still huffing with anger. Anon scratched his head in confusion.

"Wait, Cadance. You said you wouldn't be able to find me a date for Hearth's Warming anyway. I went through the whole day thinking Fluttershy just needed some company. That's not what you told her, is it?"

Fluttershy's eyes flashed at Cadance dangerously, and Cadance took an uneasy step back while flashing an unconvincing smile.

"Nooo, not exactly. I told her you were lonely and wanted to spend Hearth's Warming with someone, and she'd already told me she was looking for a date, soooo..."

Anon sighed.

"So, what, you manipulated us and hoped it would work out one way or the other?"

"And it worked!"

Fluttershy growled at Cadance.

"Both of you lied to me! Anon was just looking for a, a quick snack!"

"Hey, that's not true! Just about everything I told you today was true – when I was talking about my family, I was talking about the hive. I really did want friends!"

"Then what was that kiss for?"

"I, uh... well, I just thought you wanted me to. Sorry if I misread your—"

Fluttershy stammered and waved a hoof at him.

"Oh, no! No, that's not, I mean, it was... but you were just hungry, weren't you?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I haven't been hungry all... day... huh, that's weird. I haven't been hungry since I showed you that picture."

Cadance took to the air.

"WELL-I-CAN-SEE-THINGS-WORKED-OUT-BYEEEE"

And with that regal proclamation, Cadance flew off, leaving the two of them to their own devices. An uneasy silence settled in for a few moments, before Anon walked up and gave Fluttershy another kiss on the cheek, causing her to splutter and jump in shock.

"Can't doubt my intentions now, right?"

Fluttershy rubbed her cheek with a hoof and thought it over. After a few moments, she smiled.

"You want to come in? I put some hot cocoa on earlier."

"Definitely. It's freezing out here."

-FIN

Bonus:

"But no seriously, why do I look like a bad flower arrangement?!"

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes.

"That's just what reformed changelings look like."

"But that's stupid! Why is my tail a wing?!"

Twilight shrugged, "No idea, Anon. If that is your real—"

"It is my real name! Chrysalis thought it would help me blend in!"

"That's a terrible strategy."

"I know! It's the first thing everyone asks about!

-FIN

Author's Note

Seeing this Hearth's Warming story posted so far from Christmas fills you with MEMES