A Cynical Pony

Chapters

2: Strange New Land
3: Carosel Boutique
4: Clues (Counter to 'Contacting Home')
5: Contacting Home (Counter to 'Clues')
6: Sleep Reschedule
7: Human World
8: Search Party Number 1
9: Daria's Research
10: Damn it!
11: Father/Daughter Bonding (Flashback)
12: A Pinkie Pie Break
13: What The- Why Can't I Get Back In!?
1: Abduction... maybe?

2: Strange New Land

Sunday 25 March 2018 10:30, Ponyville, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

I felt my body change somewhat, but the terrifying part was that I was actually falling from a height that was above the clouds. If I screamed, someone would figure out that I'm in danger. Right?

"For the love of God, will someone help me?"

I fell through a cloud, so I closed my eyes, although it wouldn't do any good if I didn't make it down alive.

Sunset Shimmer's POV

"Anyway," I said to Starlight as we were walking away from Sugbarcube Corner, "You really should've seen the look on Human Sunset's face when she-"

"Shush!"

We both heard a pony screaming as she was falling

"It looks like a crystal pony," Starlight said, narrowing her eyes.

"Oh Celestia," I looked up, "That's not a pony!"

"Are you saying..."

"That's a human! Come on! We need to get to Princess Twilight!"

We galloped back to the rebuilt Golden Oaks Library that the Princess was refurnishing.

Princess Twilight's POV

I was in the new Golden Oaks Library, writing a catalog for the books so ponies could find what they were looking for in an efficient amount of time. My plans soon changed when Starlight and Sunset came in.

"Hey, Twilight!" Starlight said, running up to the library with Sunset.

"Hey, Starlight and Sunset! What's up?"

"Somepony's falling out of the sky!"

"What?" I ran outside as fast as I could and looked up, "Oh my Celestia!"

I used my magic to teleport the unidentified pony to the ground.

"Pleasebeokay! Pleasebeokay! Pleasebeokay! Pleasebeokay! Please be okay!"

When she was down, the oddly-shaped mare was out cold for about 30 seconds, "THIS IS HORRIBLE!"

Sunset checked her vitals, "She's okay. She just passed out because something was too much to process. Other than that, she's fine."

She woke up right after that, but didn't move, "SWEET CELESTIA!! SHE'S NOT MOVING!!!"

"TWILIGHT!" Sunset said, slapping me with her hoof.

"I needed that. Thanks."

"She's just tired. Trust me on this one, I live as a human, like, 90% of the time."

"Okay," I said after breathing, "I'll take your word for it."

Daria's POV

I was encompassed in this strange light brilliant raspberry aura before hitting the ground, face first.

"Are you okay?" someone said.

"Dude, are you a human?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," I said, not even bothering to really move.

"Are... you okay?"

I felt two growths on my head, one where my nose was, my fingers and toes were stiff, and I could swear it felt like I had a tail.

Well, might as well get up while I still can.

"What... happened to me?"

The first thing I noticed after I really bothered to move was that my glasses had came off.

"Dammit. I lost my glasses."

"Are these them?" a brilliant-amber colored figure asked me, encompassing what looked like my glasses in a light brilliant opal aura.

"Lemmie try 'em on," I said, groping for the fuzzy, circular, black frames.

As I put on my glasses and the world became clear, I saw what had given them to me: a horse with a horn.

"I'm Sunset Shimmer, by the way," she said, holding out a hoof with a smile.

"Did you just talk?"

"We can all talk," she said, "We're ponies. Specifically, I'm a unicorn."

"Yeah," I said, taking a look around at all of the ponies, "And I'm a human," I looked at what should have been my hands and feet, but they were hooves instead, "Or I should be."

"You look like something happened to you from an anime."

"Anime?"

"You're a human, and you don't know what anime is?" the lavender pony with a horn and wings said, "Where are you from?"

"Lawndale."

"That's a nice name."

"I feel like I'm in the 60s."

"What?" the bright purple one with a horn said as the amber one began to think about things as I said them.

"What I'm saying is," I said, "Your sunny 60s optimism is attacking my bitter 90s cynicism."

"Bitter... wait! What day is it to you?" Sunset Shimmer asked me.

"It was Wednesday 04 August 1999 at 22:23."

"Well," the bright purple one with a horn said, "Starlight Glimmer by the way, it's Sunday 25 March 2018 10:30 right now. You're safe here. You're in Ponyville."

"You've been gone for 18 years, 7 months, 20 days, 12 hours, and 7 minutes, since you left your world."

I did the math in my head, and realized that the the figure that ~~the amber unicorn~~ Sunset Shimmer said was right. I just then noticed that my clothes were itchy, so I stood up and started scratching, "What's... with my clothes?"

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, by the way," the lavender unicorn with wings said, "I'll take you to the Carousel Boutique and see if Rarity would make you some clothes that won't make your fur itch."

"Like another outfit's going to solve my problem."

Thursday 05 August 1999 05:30, Lawndale USA, Helen Morgendorffer's POV

I had been sitting at the kitchen table for about fourty-five minutes now, worried about my older daughter. Last night hadn't really let me get much sleep. As a matter of fact, I really didn't know what was going on. Quinn had came down about ten minutes ago to get some carrot sticks while she was getting ready for school.

"Mom? Dad? Have either of you seen Daria? I'm getting worried that something really bad has happened to her."

Jake was drinking pot-after-pot of coffee, and I was just sitting down with my head propped up in my hands. I'm pretty sure my husband didn't hear her, "No, sweetie. Nothing yet."

"Will you let me know if you find anything out?"

"Of course we will, Quinn."

"Thanks, Mom," she said, going upstairs with a small bowl of carrot sticks.

"Did Daria ever come back last night, Jake?"

"How the hell should I know?"

I snapped at him.

"You were up all night, pacing around the house!"

"I don't think so."

I settled back into my original position, resting my chin on my hands with my elbows on the table.

I'll just call Eric and take the rest of the week off. I have the vacation time, anyways.

"Is there any coffee left?"

He picked up the pot, "No?"

"Can you make some more and pour me a cup with some sugar in it? I'm going to call and take today and tomorrow off."

"Okay," he said, making another pot of coffee as I opened a notebook to a section labeled FINDING DARIA - POSSIBLE PLACES, and I sat and thought about places that weren't listed.

Jane's House
Amy's House

Not a big list of possibilities.

"Here you go, Helen."

"Oh, what now, dammit?"

"I just finished the coffee for you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Are you sure that one cup will do it?"

"Jake, I barely ever drink coffee. I could probably just make a pot after you leave and go on that throughout the day."

"I just wish we actually knew something."

Jake sat down and looked at the list, then held his head up in his hands, just as I had done before I opened my notebook, "Not many places that she could be, huh," he looked at the second entry, "How could she get from here to your sister's house? It's a two-hour trip."

"She's taken the bus before, Jake. Plus, she has a driver's license now. And her friend's brother has a van, I think."

"Right. Maybe you could call her."

I looked at the clock on the wall, "Jake, it's 05:45 in the morning. I'm not going to wake up Amy."

"What about her friend?"

"No. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't wake up."

"So we really don't have a way to get any real info on anything."

"Not for another few hours, at least," I said as he got me the phone, "Eric calls at all hours of the night, so he should get this one from me."

3: Carosel Boutique

Sunday 25 March 2018 10:30, Carousel Boutique, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

"Rarity?" Twilight called as we all walked in.

"Yes, Darling!" a pony with a transatlantic English accent said, walking over to us, "What can I-- WHAT in Celestia's name are you wearing!? It's so... SEVERE!"

"Gee. Thanks, Quinn," I said, even itchier, "Now, you just need to grow orange hair, stand on two legs, and walk everywhere, wearing a designer outfit and makeup."

"Rarity," a feminine voice said from what looked like a dressing room, "Do you think Dissy would like it?"

What stepped out of the dressing room made everything else that I've seen within the past hour look normal.

"What the hell?" The creature that came out of the dressing room had a head that was vaguely shaped like a horse's, white hair, a deer antler on the right of her head, a blue goat horn on the left, a small fang, red pupils on yellow eyes. Her left arm looked like a lion's, her right one looked like an eagle's claw, her left leg looked like a lizard's, and her right leg looked like a goat leg. She had a pair of mismatched wings: the one on the left was feathery, while the one on the right resembled a bat wing. She had a snake's tail with a gray tuft, and her body, more or less, resembled a large snake's, "Am I still safe?"

"Who?" the one who must've been Rarity said

"Her... that... I don't know!"

"Eris?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, I don't bite," Eris said before laughing, "I just like to cause some mischief every now and then."

I held my ~~hands~~ hooves up to my face, but nothing happened.

"What?" she replied.

"What are you?"

"I'm a draconequus," she looked at me, then walked in a circle around me, "What kind of pony are you?"

"I'm a human."

"Darling, you simply must tell me your name," Rarity said before cringing a little bit.

Oh, God. What is this?

"Daria Morgendorffer."

"What's with the things on your face?" Eris asked.

"I need them to see. Can we get this over with? My clothes are itching like hell," I said, walking to a stool and sitting down.

I don't know which is worse: this fur or the fact that I'm getting new clothes made for me. From a dress shop.

"Daria... is it?"

"No. It's Darlene."

"Yes, well. The first thing that I have to do," she got a fabric ruler, "is to measure you."

"The jacket is large, the shirt is medium, and the skirt makes it halfway to my knees. Can we move on now?"

"You can go into the dressing room and slide your clothes under the door so I can get to work on some more pony-friendly clothes for you."

"Okay," I said, going into the dressing room.

Author's Note

Thanks to Taken-By-Insanity for letting me borrow Eris. You should check out some of his/her writing.

4: Clues (Counter to 'Contacting Home')

Thursday 05 August 1999 06:30, Morgendorffer Home, Helen Morgendorffer's POV

I sat at the table debating several things as Jake left for work.

Should I get another cup of coffee? Is it too early to call Amy? How should I get in touch with Daria's friend?

"Wait... How can I get in touch with her friend? The only time I've seen her was when she stayed with us for a few days on July 14."

"Are you okay, Mom?" Quinn said, startling me.

"What? Oh, I didn't here you come down," I said as she took two cans of Pepsi Free out of the refrigerator, "I'm fine, honey."

"It's about Daria, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"I didn't know that you drank coffee," Quinn said, noticing the empty, cream-colored mug in front of me.

"Oh, this?" I replied, "I'm just drained," I looked at my younger daughter, "You didn't sleep well, either?"

She just shook her head, yawned, then sat down.

"I've taken today and tomorrow off because of this."

"Lucky," she said, holding her head in her hands like I was an hour earlier, "I've got school."

I thought for a second, "Maybe you shouldn't go right now. I'll let you stay home today and tomorrow, and then we'll see what happens from there, alright?"

"Thanks, Mom."

"You go get some rest."

Quinn slowly walked into the living room and fell asleep on the couch.

"I guess now would be as good a time as any to take a look through these documents one more time and get them in order," I said, turning the notebook to a section labeled POTENTIAL SCHOOL LAWSUITS. The phone rang before I could look at the documents that I had typed. There was a high chance that it could've been Eric, but I decided to answer it anyway.

"Hello?"

"Helen, it's Eric! We nee-"

"I know that you don't have kids, and I told you at a quarter to six that my older daughter is missing!"

"Daria? Hasn't she left and spent the night away from your house before?"

"Listen, this is NO time for you to be calling me about a meeting! Quinn is worried sick, I've lost my child, and I don't even KNOW what's happening to Jake! She hasn't called or given us any information on where she might be! I CAN'T come in today, I CAN'T come in tomorrow, so Monday will be the absolute earliest that I can come to work! And that's only if we figure out where she is AND if she's safe! Do you understand!?"

I started to cry a little.

"But, Helen-"

"No! I CAN'T, And I WON'T!!"

"This is-"

"I don't give a damn about whatever it is right now! If you want to know how it feels, then you have children, and you come to me when you've lost one of them without lead! Then we'll talk!! Got it!?"

"Please-"

"Goodbye!" I said, slamming the receiver into the base, "Oh my."

I checked to see if Quinn was still asleep, which she was, "Oh, thank God," then cleaned my face up with a napkin, "I don't even feel like looking at that notebook right now."

I took some microwave bacon and canned biscuits out of the refrigerator, then proceeded to cook them for breakfast, "The least I could do for her is try to make Quinn breakfast," I noticed an unopened carton of eggs, "Eggs and orange juice, too. I guess."

Thursday 05 August 1999 08:30, Lawndale High School, Timothy O'Neil's POV

I hurried to Ms Li's office as fast as I could when I started my first-period class's English test.

"Quinn wasn't in homeroom and Daria isn't here in first period. Ohh, I hope nothing bad has happened!"

When I got to her office, I heard Angela and Anthony in a heated debate, "I'll just make the call myself from the teacher's lounge."

I hurried there, then called Mrs Morgendorffer's extension for Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter Law Firm. I didn't get her, though.

"Helen Morgendorffer, Attorney at law, this is Marianne."

"Ms Marianne, is Mrs Morgendorffer available? This is Timothy O'Neil."

"I'm sorry Mr O'Neil, but she's at home today. Do you need her number?"

"No thank you."

"Have a great day."

If Mrs Morgendorffer is at home, I thought, then maybe Quinn and Daria are just sick. I hope it's nothing too serious.

I called her at home, and got hold of her.

"Hello?" she said, sounding exhausted.

"Mrs Morgendorffer," I said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm worried about Daria and Quinn. Neither of them are here at school today."

"Quinn is here with me. We've both been worried sick, and neither of us has really gotten any sleep."

"What about Daria?"

"She's not here. The last time that I saw her was when she was leaving for a power walk last night."

"Okay. Is Quinn doing okay?"

"I told her to get some rest. She probably won't go today, although she might be there for part of tomorrow."

Neither of us said anything for a moment.

"I'm not making any guarantees, though."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

She sighed, "Can you get Jane on the phone?"

"Sure thing, Mrs Morgendorffer."

Jane Lane's POV

I just looked forward as a worried Mr O'Neil left the classroom.

"Jane, I need to go check something," he said, "If you need to leave, then feel free to. I don't want you to get too worried."

"Thanks, Mr O'Neil."

When he quickly left the room, I counted to 50 in my head, then turned to Jodie Landon, "Think you could do my test?"

"Why?"

"Trent and I were up late trying to figure out how Daria could have just randomly disappeared."

"Hand it over."

"Thanks, Landon," I said, giving her my test.

"What should I try for?"

"84ish. I don't want him suspicious."

"You go ahead and do what it is you're gonna do," she said, holding the tests with a smile, "I'll take care of these."

I took my boots off and left the room as quietly as I could, "I owe ya one."

"Don't mention it. I would've done it anyway."

We smiled each other before I went in the hall, tied my jacket around my waist, and put my boots between the jacket and my sides.

This hurts like hell, but it'll have to do.

I started running where I heard Mr O'Neil.

Ms Li's office?

He turned and went toward the teacher's lounge upon hearing Mr DeMartino and Ms Li arguing over something.

I'm gonna figure this out if it kills me.

"Is there anything I can do to help, Mrs Morgendorffer?" he sighed, "Sure thing, Mrs Morgendorffer."

He sat the phone down, then turned to leave, but I must've startled him.

"Jane!"

"Yeah?" I said, untying my jacket and putting my boots back on.

"Mrs Morgendorffer wants to talk to you."

I walked over and picked up the phone, "Yes?"

"Jane? Were you with Daria when she..."

"Disappeared? Yeah."

"What happened?"

"We were walking to my house, then a bush lit up. Twice. Anyway, so we ran, but Daria tripped and fell. Something made this blinding flash of light for a second, then she was just... gone."

"Quinn's been worried sick about Daria."

"Mom?" Quinn said in the background, "Did you make breakfast?"

"I found something out about your sister, I think."

"What?"

"I'm putting the phone on speaker so you can hear for yourself."

"Who's on the phone?"

"Daria's friend."

"Can I tell her?"

"Just a second," I heard her set the phone down, "Go ahead."

"We were walking to my house, then a bush lit up two times. We tried to run, but Daria tripped. Something flashed, then she disappeared."

I put the phone in the teacher's lounge on speakerphone.

"Where do you think she could be?"

"I have no-"

"Miss Lane!" Ms Li yelled, "Mr O'Neil!"

"What?" I said, looking at her. Mr DeMartino was with her, also pissed.

"Get back to your classes!"

A burst of static and a series of beeping noises came over the phone, then someone tried to talk over the static.

"What is going on with that!?"

"Can anyone hear me on this thing?" a voice said as the noise subsided to a humming noise.

"Daria?" her mom said.

"Will someone get me the hell out of here?"

"Um," a timid voice said, "I know they're, um, your friends and all, but, um, maybe you could be a little nicer?"

"Daria, because you make me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates, I'll kill those imbeciles who kidnapped you!!"

"Eep!"

"What Anthony means is- Whoa!"

Mr DeMartino pushed Mr O'Neil into a chair, "OUT!!! NOW!!!"

"What's going on?" a somewhat-raspy voice said.

Our other teachers, Jodi, Brittany, Kevin, and Mack were in the room now.

"Who's that?" Daria's mom asked.

"How the hell should I know? Daria, what's it like in there?"

"I wish I was still blind in both ways."

"You don't need your glasses?"

"No. Everything is colorful. It scares me."

"And you're there without a Polaroid?"

"Don't threaten to take its life. It never did anything to you."

"What's a 'Polaroid', Darling?"

"It must be a living hell in there."

"I would read you my notes, but considering the fact that I don't have damn fingers anymore, I couldn't get any."

"What would you say describes it?"

"What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me. I hope this is a really bad nightmare brought on by my dad's Kitchen Sink Stew. I'm slowly losing my mind, and my humanity."

"Come on. It can't be that bad!"

"He forgot the number for 911."

A call-waiting beep sounded on Daria's home phone, "This may be Amy. She's worried, too."

"Lovely. I'm talking to my friend, teacher, principal, and earlier, my mom and sister from a different reality over a plastic slab with Gorilla Glass across realities, I have a growth out my ass, I'm losing everything that makes me exist, and I'm stuck in Happy Land with no way of getting home. Not to mention that it's almost two decades in the future here, and yet they don't have TV. Not to mention something I can't say the name of, let alone describe. They say they're ponies."

"Daria?" another voice said, resembling her own, "Quinn called me at 01:30, and I figured that I'd come in from Delaware and help out with this."

"Aunt Amy?"

Another voice come on the phone.

"Hi, this is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship-"

"Oh God," I said, putting my face in my hand. Everyone in the room began to wonder what was going on, and I'm pretty sure her family was the same way.

"There's a portal that opens to a city called 'Canterlot' in your world. The link is down right now, but I estimate that within two weeks, I can have her back."

"I live in Lawndale, Maryland."

"Twilight?" someone else said, "Canterlot is in California."

"So? I'm sure that it's not that far to walk. I mean, we can both go with her!"

"No!"

"Twilight, California is 2700 miles away from Maryland."

"Daria, I'm going to go ahead and go to your house. I'll be there at around 10:30. Is it okay if I get your friend from school?"

"Please do," Mrs Morgendorffer, Quinn, Daria, Mr O'Neil, Mr DeMartino, and I said, essentially at the same time.

The phone started making the same sound that mine does at home when Wind comes over and uses the Internet as a marriage-fixing guide for a minute.

"Daria," Quinn said, "Can you hear me? Are you alright?"

"Judging by what color my arms are, based solely around the normally unusually-weak cone cells in my eyes that are actually working for once, I'd say I'm getting hypothermia."

"What!?"

"Hy-po-ther-mi-a."

"What's that?"

"I'm blue."

"I'll have some cocoa steaming hot for when you get back! Or if we find you first, I should probably have a thermos or two with me," Quinn said as the Fashion Club came in the already-packed room.

"Quinn," Sandi, I think that's the abusive girl's name, said, "Why are you at your house moping? She wasn't even popular."

"Go away. She's my sister."

Her statement was met with Sandi's laughter.

"I'm sorry, Quinn!" Stacy said, beginning to cry.

"It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It was Sandi that was a heartless bitch. Can you and Tiffany come over?"

"Sure, Quinn," the third member replied, slowly.

"I'm going to regret going, but I'll do it. Amy, I'll wait for you at Daria's."

"Alright," she said before hanging up, "I'm leaving my house now."

"Now to get Mom and Aunt Rita to quit fighting for twenty-five minutes."

The phone made that same noise again, then the line returned to how it was before we were able to talk to her.

"Daria?"

"Oh no," Mr O'Neil said, as Ms Li ran to her office. Two minutes later, she made her announcement.

Attention students of Lawndale High, one of your fellow students has gone missing, so your teachers are doing an investigation. School will be canceled until further notice. Mrs Morgendorffer better not start a lawsuit that could cause me to lose my very pants.

"Should we tell her it's still on, Jodi?"

The intercom clicked.

"I think she knows."

"We'll go in my car," Mr O'Neil said.

5: Contacting Home (Counter to 'Clues')

Sunday 25 March 2018 11:45, Hayburger, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

Starlight Glimmer had taken me to this place called Hayburger or something.

"When do you think the others should be finished with that doodad to let me call home?"

"Soon," she said, taking another bite of her sandwich, "You haven't even touched yours, yet. Why?"

I held up what were now a pair of hooves and looked at her, "The soda's good, though."

"Don't worry," she said, "most ponies would just go at it with their mouths."

"I'm a human, supposedly."

"Try to get it like you would if you were using your fists."

It actually tasted good. But bland. Starlight Glimmer saw it on my face, so she levitated some ketchup and barbecue sauce over to me, which I half-doused on the sandwich.

"Better?"

"Yeah. It's really hard adjusting to this place."

"It can get under your skin, that's for sure."

I smiled, "Damn sub-dermal irritants."

"Then you've got ponies bugging you."

"Damn pests."

"And lastly, you've got the whole trip to go through."

"Damn trips."

We both just looked at each other for a second before Starlight Glimmer broke the silence.

"I think we'll get along just fine."

"Will you try to hug me anymore?"

"Nuh-uh. I can tell you don't like it."

"I think we'll get along just fine."

"I wonder if turning into a pony... kinda... from a human is like turning from a pony to a human," Starlight Glimmer said, getting my attention as I was finishing the soda.

"What the hell are you getting at, Starlight Glimmer?"

"You can just call me Starlight. And, yeah. I know it sounds weird, but it's actually true."

"After all of the crap I've seen, I'll believe you when you say that magic is something in a literal sense."

"Yeah. That's kinda the way it works around here."

"All of this color scares me."

"What?"

"I'm colorblind, but it's not working here."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't see color as good as everyone else."

"Isn't that depressing?"

"How was it being a human for the first time?" I asked, getting up for a refill.

Why did I bring that up, dammit?

"What was it like for you? Becoming a human."

"There's this really cool high school."

"Mine's a form of hell."

I sat back down.

"The co-principals are really nice and understanding."

"Angela Li bitches about security and does illegal things for money."

She looked very uncomfortable.

"Okay."

"The teachers are nice."

"My English teacher is a sensitive crybaby, my US History teacher hates his life, evident by one of the tests he gave with one of the answer choices being, and I quote, 'God, I hate my life', realizing that the most he can ever hope3 for is a car with a roof that doesn't leak when it rains because of his job, which combines the stress of a neurosurgeon with the pay of a video store clerk, the art teacher is almost a 1960s-style optimist, an Economics teacher who writes everything in the style of football plays, and the Science teacher is an extreme and violent feminist who swore off men after a bitter divorce twenty-two years ago and claims them all as 'inferior specimens' with the exception of Timothy O'Neil, aka 'The Crybaby English teacher'."

She looked like she was going to vomit, "Okay. Let's move on to something else, right?"

Just then, a crazy Pink pony burst into the restaurant with a large confetti cannon, then filled my entire field of vision, "You're Daria, right?" she said, quickly looking at me, "Oh, of course you are, silly! You're wearing big, round glasses! My name's Pinkie Pie! Princess Twilight told me to come get you and Starlight because her, Fluttershy, Applejack, Dash, Sunset, Rarity, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, aka Princess Cadence, and Shining Armor thinks that we have a way where you can talk to where once from you were!" she triggered the confetti cannon, making a big mess.

"Who?"

I'm gonna say what's on my mind to these ponies soon. And my cynicism has no mercy, matching my lack of conscience and ability to give a damn.

Twilight's Council Room

"You must be Miss Daria Morgendorffer," a tall, white horse with a horn and wings said, "I'm Princess Celestia."

If this goes south, my lack of conscience, brain, and bitter 90s cynicism will help me get through this.

"Wasn't there something about me being able to phone home?"

The pink monstrosity gasped, "You haven't once smiled since you got here!!! I need to know what I'm working with!"

It'll be easier than breathing.

"SHOW ME!!!"

I smiled briefly just like I had done at that idiot's nut stand in the mall, causing Pinkie's mane to deflate somewhat and her to be sad.

"What the hell just happened?"

"Let's... get to that later," Sunset Shimmer said, levitating a plastic slab with Gorilla Glass to me.

"What's this?"

"A phone?" she replied as if I was being an asshole.

"I'm sorry, but phones don't look like a box of cards with glass."

"You... oh, sorry. I forgot that anything like that for you is generally gonna big and bulky."

I sighed, "Hand it over."

She did something to it, then it started making the same sound a phone does when you use the Internet. After a minute, she slid it to me across the table.

While we were waiting, Pinkie Pie took a spot-on "guess" about what my situation was, and then defied the laws of physics by counting off everyone I knew on one hoof. Each.

What the hell?

"Is the damn thing ready?"

I heard people I knew talking through the paperweight.

"Can anyone hear me on this thing?" I said over the noise.

"Daria?" Mom said.

"Will someone get me the hell out of here?"

"Um," Fluttershy, going by the pony that I was barely paying half-attention to earlier, said, "I know they're, um, your friends and all, but, um, maybe you could be a little nicer?"

"Daria, because you make me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates, I'll kill those imbeciles who kidnapped you!!"

You go, Mr DeMartino.

"Eep!"

"What Anthony means is- Whoa!"

"OUT!!! NOW!!!"

"What's going on?" the cerulean winged-horse-pegasus said.

"Who's that?" Mom asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Jane replied, "Daria, what's it like in there?"

"I wish I was still blind in both ways."

"You don't need your glasses?"

"No. Everything is colorful. It scares me."

"And you're there without a Polaroid?"

"Don't threaten to take its life. It never did anything to you."

"What's a 'Polaroid', Darling?"

"It must be a living hell in there."

"I would read you my notes," I looked at what used to be my hands, "but considering the fact that I don't have damn fingers anymore, I couldn't get any."

"What would you say describes it?"

"Come on. It can't be that bad!"

"He forgot the number for 911."

I heard our call-waiting, "This may be Amy. She's worried, too."

"Daria?" Aunt Amy said, "Quinn called me at 01:30, and I figured that I'd come in from Delaware and help out with this."

"Aunt Amy?"

Twilight Sparkle moved me out of the way some, then began talking.

"Hi, this is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship-"

"Oh God," Jane said.

This'll be great.

"There's a portal that opens to a city called 'Canterlot' in your world. The link is down right now, but I estimate that within two weeks, I can have her back."

"I live in Lawndale, Maryland."

"Twilight?" Sunset Shimmer said, "Canterlot is in California."

"So? I'm sure that it's not that far to walk. I mean, we can both go with her!"

"No!" I snapped

"Twilight, California is 2700 miles away from Maryland."

"Daria, I'm going to go ahead and go to your house. I'll be there at around 10:30. Is it okay if I get your friend from school?"

"Please do," Mom, Quinn, myself, Mr O'Neil, Mr DeMartino, and Jane said, essentially at the same time.

The phone started making the same sound that mine does at home when Wind comes over and uses the Internet as a marriage-fixing guide for a minute.

"Daria," Quinn said, "Can you hear me? Are you alright?"

"Judging by what color my arms are, based solely around the normally unusually-weak cone cells in my eyes that are actually working for once, I'd say I'm getting hypothermia."

"What!?"

"Hy-po-ther-mi-a."

"What's that?"

"I'm blue."

"I'll have some cocoa steaming hot for when you get back! Or if we find you first, I should probably have a thermos or two with me," Quinn said as the Fashion Club came in the already-packed room.

"Quinn," Sandi said, "Why are you at your house moping? She wasn't even popular."

"Go away. She's my sister."

This is getting interesting.

Her statement was met with Sandi's laughter.

"I'm sorry, Quinn!" Stacy said, beginning to cry.

"It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It was Sandi that was a heartless bitch. Can you and Tiffany come over?"

"Tell the heartless, self-absorbed bitch off, Quinn," I said to myself, smiling briefly.

My statement was met by shocked expressions.

"Sure, Quinn," the third member replied, slowly.

"I'm going to regret going, but I'll do it," Jane said, referring to the fact she'd be around the fashion club, "Amy, I'll wait for you at Daria's."

"Alright," Aunt Amy said, before hanging up, "I'm leaving my house now."

"Now to get Mom and Aunt Rita to quit fighting for twenty-five minutes," I said into the hunk of plastic.

"What?" someone whispered.

The brick made a series of beeps that started at a high pitch, then became lower for about a second.

"Jane? Hello?"

"I think the connection just dropped," Sunset Shimmer explained.

"Oh, God," I said, stumbling and getting lightheaded, "Wake me up when this dream is over."

I fell onto the floor, asleep.

6: Sleep Reschedule

Sunday 25 March 2018 12:00, Council Room, Sunset Shimmer's POV

"Oh, God," Daria said, even more flatly as she held a hoof to her head.

"Are you--"

She fell onto the floor, asleep, causing Fluttershy to scream. Two seconds later, she was snoring louder than Sci-Twi's DeLorean.

"Twilight," I said, "Does that library of yours have a bed?"

That pulled her out of another panic, "She can sleep there! I want you and Starlight to keep an eye on her, though. I'm worried."

"No problem."

The three of us carried her to a bed in the library and put her in it.

"Now," Princess Twilight said, "I need you two to help her out with this. She's in a strange environment, and she doesn't seem to be the friendly type. It's gonna be a challenge, but I think we can help her.

"She did spend time with me at Hayburger earlier today, but it didn't go... smoothly."

"What do you mean, Starlight?"

"I'd rather not talk about it right now. I mean, I'm still trying to process it."

The three of us remembered earlier and became uncomfortably sure of what must've been said.

"I'll get to work on reopening the portal. You two remember your job."

"You've got it, chief," I replied

She must've turned over, because she was snoring loudly again. This time, it sounded like Applejack's Ford, if it were revved all of the way up, "Heavy sleeper," Starlight noted as Twilight began back to her castle.

"What do we do?" Starlight asked after Twilight left, "You've lived in the human world."

"I've never really thought about different time periods."

"Should we just see where the first little while takes us?"

"That's what I did the first time I went to the human world."

"...Just klutzy..." Daria mumbled.

Daria's Dream #1

"She didn't mean to stab him to death," Jane said, referring to an episode of Sick, Sad World that aired yesterday afternoon.

"Exactly. The knife just slipped. Sixty-seven times."

"Hey, people are klutzy. What can I say?"

"They're idiots?"

"So," Jane said as we were walking to her house, "Care to tell me about Colorful Magical Pony Land?"

"I think I'd rather stay in Muted Stupid Lawndale Land, instead."

I noticed her looking at me like something was up, "Uh, Daria?"

"What?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah. I'm-" the familiar, muted colors slowly became more vivid as we walkied in, "fine. I think."

When we made it to the kitchen, the colors weren't muted anymore, and Trent was eating a pizza.

"Trent," Jane said, getting his attention, "Why are you up so early? It's only 15:45."

"Axl said he was coming to... Whoa, Daria."

"What?"

"You're blue."

"Crap!" I said, running to the upstairs bathroom. I was going too fast to turn to the stairs without leverage, so I reached out to grab the handrail, but I couldn't. It had turned into a cerulean hoof, so I ended up running into the wall.

"Daria?" Trent asked, "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," I said, getting up and feeling my face, which now felt swollen where my nose was, "I have to check on something!"

I ran up the stairs, only to be followed with a familiar, but foreign, squeak, "Party?"

Then a Transatlantic-English Accent, "Darling?"

Next came a familiar, timid voice, "Um, can I help?"

Then I saw that... thing from the dress shop gright at the bathroom door, "Dissy and I can have you back!"

"No!" I said, grabbing in the doorframe for leverage, then slamming it shut and locking it.

At least I could be alone.

"Oh God."

I looked in the mirror, and saw that I had the body that I had when I was taken to that land of ponies, so I screamed. That growth out my ass... was a tail.

"Kiddo? Out of my way, dammit! My baby girl's in there!" I heard my dad say.

"You tell 'em Jakey!"

"Don't worry, sis!"

It must've been Dad who was knocking on the door, because I heard what sounded like office stress-knocking.

"Just a second. Don't freak out."

The door locked by a small button being pressed into the knob.

Come on, Morgendorffer!

I looked in the mirror, and the only thing that came to mind was using my mouth.

"Is it stuck?"

"No," I said with my mouth on the knob, gripping it with my teeth.

I turned the knob just enough to where it would unlock, but not open. Dad took care of that part for me.

"Kiddo, I'm... God, nooo!!"

"I'll go down, now."

Downstairs, Mom, the fashion club (minus Sandi), Jodi, Mack, Kevin, Brittany, Jane, Trent, and Aunt Amy were waiting on us. My appearance was met with complete shock.

"How do you feel?" Mom asked, looking as if she had been up for a week straight.

"Are you alright?" Quinn asked, in no better condition than Mom was.

"I'm fine."

Everyone came and hugged me except for Jane, Trent, and Aunt Amy.

"No! Off!"

Everyone backed off.

"Don't follow me," I said, going to the kitchen, which subsequently turned back into that pony land. The worst part of that was that Eris and what looked like her brother (if she had one) hugged me so tight that I couldn't breathe, so I started screaming.

Monday 26 March 2018 02:00, Bedroom in New Golden Oaks Library, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

I sat up in a cold sweat and realized I wasn't wearing my glasses.

"Where the hell are they?" I said, groping around for a nightstand of some kind, "Thank God," I said as I found them with what I thought was glue on the nose of them. And a note.

"What the hell," I said, getting where I could read the letter in the light of the full moon.

Daria,

Sunset and I figured, also at the request of Princess Twilight, that we should stay with you. When you fell asleep earlier, you REALLY scared us, especially considering that you fell facefirst and hit your head on that table. We had you examined by a doctor from the Royal Infirmary, who said you were just suffering exhaustion from lack of sleep. You didn't hurt yourself too bad, though. It's just a small bruise on your forehead, nothing more. We both know how weird this must be for you, being a pony. I hope it's okay, but we listened to that music, and we think that you have at good voice for it. Sunset did some research, and she thinks it's something called 90s Grunge. It's different compared to anything we have in Equestria.

Anyway, if there's ANYTHING we can do to make you feel more comfortable or at home, just let us know, and we'll try our hardest to make it happen.

-Starlight and Sunset

"Wow. They do care," I said, looking up only to find Starlight passed out, surrounded by what looked like soda cans, "You could at least act like you care, Morgendorffer."

I looked around and found that my jacket had been hung on the cabinet door of the nightstand, while the few things I had in my pockets were right inside the compartment, so I pulled my notepad and pencil, and tried to write something with my mouth, similar to how I unlocked a bathroom door in my dream. I didn't get anywhere, so I went downstairs and into what looked like a kitchen.

"Let's try this again," I said, actually being able to pick the pencil up with my hoof, "All I can say, please get this."

I began to write

Whoever gets this,

It's me, Daria. I'm alright, and it's about 02:00 here. I don't think that time lines up exactly between these two worlds, because it was the middle of the day here when I talked to Jane at school, which I'm assuming was between 08:00 and 09:00 in Lawndale.

This place is called Equestria, and I am in a town called Ponyville. Don't ask. It's actually like being cynical, sarcastic, and realistic is horribly taboo here, seeing as how just hearing me talk can make anyone cringe.

As much as I'd like to get home, I don't think that there is a way. Or if there is, I probably would have missed out on about twenty-or-so years of life at home. I just hope this letter makes it to you in a timely fashion.

Equestria is a land populated by horse-like creatures known as "ponies". I've seen some pretty weird things while I'm here. Speaking of which, I'm not a human anymore. At least now, but I'm not one of them, either. I'm something called anime. If there's a way to get you a picture, I will. I'm not making any promises, though.

Moving on, this place is filled with magic. In a LITRERAL sense. I think that's how I'm holding my pencil to write this letter. I'm going to try to find someway to get this back to you if it kills me.

Daria

"That looks sloppy. I just hope they can read it."

I took the notepad, went back for my jacket, and left the library. On the way out, I noticed the sign said NEW GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY. I made my way back to that castle, but I felt like I was being watched when I went in. I dismissed the feeling until I heard someone walking behind me twenty minutes later.

"Just keep moving, Morgendorffer. You'd be stupid to stop now," I said, coming to the realization that I was lost.

"Hey, dude. You lost?" a raspy voice said.

I started running, then it sounded like whatever it was began to fly, then land in front of me. I couldn't tell what it was because it was dark. What I did know was that it was a pony the size of Starlight Glimmer.

"Who are you?"

The pony stepped to the right so I could see her in the moonlight, "It's me, Rainbow Dash."

"You scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry."

"Can you show me where that window to my world is?"

"If... you'll let me wear those glasses."

"Sure," I said, reluctantly, "I need them to see."

I handed her the glasses.

"My vision's all blurry. How do I look?" I could tell that she was twitching her face because they wouldn't stay on mine, seeing as how they were made for humans.

"I can't see a damn thing, and I need to get this letter to the human world."

"How do you wear these? They don't stay on!"

"Could I have them back now? I'm getting a headache, and I don't like to be blind."

I got my lenses back.

"We can go."

Thank GOD.

She took me back to that room with the table.

"Twilight says that the mirror should go to your world, like a weird door."

"Thanks," I said as I walked into it, before being pulled in.

7: Human World

Monday 26 March 2018 07:00, CHS, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

"Move!" I said as I was thrown across a picnic mat where a guy and several girls were sitting, "Damn!"

I didn't bother to move, just like the first time I went between worlds.

"Are ya okay?" a guy with a northeastern accent said.

"Mm-hm. What day is it?"

"Monday 26 March 2018 07:00," the guy replied, "Do you need any help?"

"No," I said, adjusting my glasses and getting up, "I'm fine."

I looked for anyone that I might recognize. The first one that I saw was a human Rainbow Dash.

"Weren't you just in there, Rainbow Dash?"

"You're creeping me out," she replied, taking a step backward.

"I'm sorry," I said, my vision returning to its muted perception of color, "It's a long story."

"So tell me."

"I was sucked into this place called Equestria, and now I want to get back to Lawndale. I met other yous."

"Mah God, Darling!"

I snapped over to Rarity, "What?"

Is that damn growth still there?

"That look! It's so... severe!"

I rolled my eyes, "Is there anyone who could help me?"

"Maybe I could help?" Human Princess Twilight Sparkle said.

"Let me guess," I said, "You're a princess, too?"

"I don't think so," she said, getting out one of those things that Sunset Shimmer had and began tapping on it, "According to my genealogy, I don't come from any line of royalty," she looked up and showed me something on it, "The only connection I have to the royal bloodline dates back to about 1067. The Sparkle family is actually 98% Nordic, with small traces of Scottish and Irish mixed in," she turned it off and put it in her pocket, "We were never part of the Royal Family."

"Miss Sparkle," a woman called.

"Yes?"

The woman was taller than any of the girls that I was around. She had red eyes, Moderate sapphire blue and pale, light grayish persian blue hair and wings of some sort, Light phthalo bluish gray skin, and wore Pale, light grayish magenta eyeliner. She was dressed in a magenta shirt with a thick, white collar that had a navy moon on it, a belt over the shirt, grayish navy jeans, and white shoes with a magenta pattern. She also had a pair of fangs.

I'm leaving!

I started running in one direction as fast as I could go, "No! No, no, no, no no!"

Monday 26 March 2018 02:30, Castle of Friendship, Sunset Shimmer's POV

"Woah, woah, woah, woah!" I said, pissed at Rainbow Dash, "You just let her go in there? How in tartarus do you think that she will react when she finds that her help is VAMPIRES!?"

My vampireism was clearly showing. I could feel it.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" she said, backing into a wire on the mirror, "I'll fix this mess!"

I sighed, put my head down, then felt my vampire features recess, making me look as if I were just a regular unicorn again, "Just... stay here and don't mess anything up. The best case scenario is that she's at CHS and doesn't know that half of the student body and Vice-Principal Luna are vampires."

"It sounds bad when you put it like that."

"It is."

"Be careful."

"Thanks," I said with a smile as I grabbed my phone and went back through the mirror. Evidently, my S8 was the only thing keeping the window open to Canterlot.

Thursday 05 August 1999 08:55, Lawndale High School, Sunset Shimmer's POV

I was thrown into a girl's bathroom, where a cheerleader with blond hair was standing in shock, looking at me.

"What in Equestria?"

"You can talk?"

I felt my body change to human, and thank Celestia that my clothes came along for the ride.

"Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"What are you?"

"A po- va- human!"

"I've never seen a PoVaHuman before!" she squeaked as I stood up.

"Hey, can you tell me your name?"

"Brittany Taylor. Now who are you?"

Her eyes got big when she said that, "I'm Sunset Shimmer."

THIS must be what she was meaning when she said one of the girls was a bimbo.

"I'll see you around, Sunset!"

"Oh, where are you going?"

"Let's see, one of my friends went missing, and we need to pull her out of Colorful Ponyland," she said before running off.

I was in the bathroom by myself now.

"Okay, then," I said, walking out into the hallway, "The portal's gone haywire, and I thing, judging by what Starlight said, I'm in Daria's time and home," I looked around, "or school."

I had turned a few corners before I found the door that I was looking for

ANGELA LI: PRINCIPAL

"Please enter," someone said as I opened the door, "May I-- oh my God!"

"I need an address for a girl? Her name is Daria Mogenfoffer, uh Morgendorffer."

"I can't give out addresses. Please leave!"

I left the room, looking at myself in the front camera on my Galaxy S8, and noticed that my vampire was showing.

"Lovely," I said to myself, "That explains Angela Li's reaction. I think that's who she is."

I tried to check my text messages, but no signal. Almost like the towers hadn't been put up yet.

"This must be how Princess Twilight felt when she fist came to CHS. Makes me really sorry now for putting her through that shit on YouTube."

I put the phone in a pocket inside my leather jacket, then summoned a ball of fire about the size of a golf ball, then started idly tossing and catching it with my right hand. Immediately, I felt myself return to the appearance of a normal human. The halls were empty, so I was safe. That is, until I noticed someone walking behind me.

"Are you really-?" I lost my concentration when I snapped around at her out of shock, and the ball rolled down the hall, making a single trail of fire, "Oh my God!"

I turned back around to find that the fire had started to spread across the hall, so I used my magic to smother it out, "Dear Celestia," I panted.

"Did you just..."

I went over to the girl, "Please don't tell anypo- I mean, anybody!"

"Okay," she said, "They wouldn't believe me, anyway. It's just... impossible. I'm Jodi Landon."

"Sunset Shimmer," I said as she held out a hand, "Uh..."

"Brittany said she saw a unicorn come out of the mirror in the girl's bathroom. It sounds like a fantasy she's always had."

"I see."

"Well Sunset, I wish I could stay and chat, but one of my classmates is missing, and I need to help find her."

"Would she happen to be this Daria Morgendorffer?"

"Uh, yeah. How did you know it was her?"

"I just... kinda heard around."

"Oh. Mr O'Neil said he's going to pick us up at the front of the school to take some of us to Daria's. Care to help?"

"Uh, yeah."

We went out and got in her teacher's car, then rode to this dark-magenta house. The car was packed, but the ride was surprisingly okay. On the way there, I met Jane Lane, Mack Mackenzie, Stacy Rowe, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and their teacher, Mr O'Neil. Halfway there, though, the back-left tire blew out.

"My hair," Tiffany said, slowly.

"I'm sorry if I was sitting wrong!" Stacy said.

"It's alright," Timothy O'Neil said, pulling to the side of the road.

"Yeah, Stacy," Mack said, "It's just a blown tire. These things happen."

Jane stayed quiet and Jodi looked at me uneasily.

"Are you okay, Jodi," I asked.

"I'm fine."

We all got out so Mr O'Neil could try to fix the tire. Sadly, he didn't have any tools, "I'm sorry. I must've left my tire emergency kit at my apartment when I cleaned out my car last week."

An idea came to my head, "Maybe I could fix it."

"Oh no," he replied, "It's too dangerous."

"I'll be fine," I said, handing my jacket to Jodi and supporting the car with my magic (covered by me making it look like I was resting it on my shoulder) and unscrewing the lug nuts by hand.

"Is she for real?" Stacy said as I pulled the tire off and let the car rest on it.

I noticed Jane recording me, but I payed no attention, "Daria should really see this."

"I think so," Jodi replied to Stacy with complete awe.

When I got up, I popped my back, then noticed Stacy in the way of a matte-gray, 1995 Lexus that had to be going 100MPH.

"Watch out!" I yelled, speeding over and pushing her out of the way. I, unsurprisingly, was hit. Whoever was driving the car was decent enough to get out and check on me.

"Dammit!"

"Sunset, oh my God, are you alright?"

"Ouch.

"If she survived that," Mack said, "I'm coming to school in a bikini."

"Dammit, communists! How many more innocent lives are you going to take, dammit!?"

I got back up as if nothing had happened to me, which was met with nothing but shock, "It's okay, dude. I'm fine," I said, rubbing either side of my nose with my hands.

"Ewww!" he shuddered when I opened my eyes and looked up.

My eyes flashed back to moderate cyan. They must've been red this whole time, along with my fangs barely showing.

"Are... you okay?" I said as he ran backward against his car.

"Mr Morgenfoffer," Mr O'Neil said, "are you okay?"

"Something is up with this girl!"

"Wait... are you her dad?" I asked.

"He is," Jane said, "And he's gonna snap any second."

I noticed several cups of Starbuck's Coffee in his car, "Maybe you should lay off of the coffee."

"Dammit! It's not the damn coffee, dammit!" he said, becoming hostile.

"Mr Morgendorffer," Jodi said, "This goes against my better judgment, but Mr O'Neil had a blowout, and maybe you could take some of us to Daria's with you? We're going to help look for her."

I went and got the new tire out of the trunk, but it wasn't inflated.

"Mr O'Neil," I said, holding the tire in one hand, "Why is there no air in it?

"Oh, I must've left my air pump at home, too."

"Ugh! Never mind, I'll do it, myself."

I started blowing up the tire, receiving attention from everyone standing there that I'd rather not have.

"Are you sure that you're okay, Sunset?"

"Yeah," I said, putting the cap back on the nozzle.

"How did you do it?" Tiffany asked as I was putting the new tire on.

"I work out," I replied, putting the thing back on the ground.

"Must be a pretty good thing you've got going, huh Sunset?" Mack asked.

"Let's just say that I've done it for a long time."

With the tire replaced, Jodi returned my jacket and we all headed back to Daria's house.

"So, what kind of name is 'Sunset Shimmer' anyway?" Jodi asked.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and came up with a story that would not only explain my name, but the symbol on my shirt, too, "My mom was always really symbolic with things. I was born at Sunset, so that's where 'Sunset' comes from. She said that it looked like a shimmer, so that's where the name 'Shimmer' comes from."

"I take it that your mom likes a lot of things."

"She'd be destroyed to find out how bad Daria's disappearance has been on everyone."

Jake Morgendorffer's POV

I've got my foot on the gas, and a hammer in my head about this!

My phone started ringing.

"Hello? Hello!? HELLO!?"

"Jake," Helen said over the phone, "Where are you?"

"I'm on the way home, honey! I can be there in 15 minutes!"

I hung up because some idiot wouldn't drive.

I blew my horn and rolled down my window, "Get out of my way, dammit!"

"Learn to drive!"

"I've gotta find my daughter, dammit!" I said, swerving around the car. Their teacher followed me.

"There was something strange about that girl," I said to myself, "Those tattoos on her hands and face."

I ended up getting pulled over, but that girl came up and got rid of the officer.

"Sir, I'm going to need to see your license and registration. Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Not fast enough, dammit!" I said, slamming my fist on the horn.

"Excuse me," that flame-haired girl said causing me to look out the window, "I think that you've got the wrong people, officer," her eyes were red, and I swore I saw fangs, "We're looking for a girl who spontaneously went missing last night, and you're impairing our search," her eyes got a red glow at that word.

"On your way, then!" he replied, running to his car as she regained her normal appearance.

"Mr Morgendorffer, is it?" she said, turning to me with some kind of genuine concern.

"Mommy!"

"I really would lay off the coffee for a little while. Just a suggestion, because I don't like what it's doing to you."

I nodded, going for my Starbuck's cup in my cupholder.

"Or, you could just go with decaf," she said, walking back to the other car.

"Mr Morgendorffer, I'm scared!"

"Freaky."

"Alright, girls," I said, finishing the drive to the house after the girl was in the other car, "I don't know what just happened, but we should all-- I want my mommy!"

"I think he was going to say 'stay calm', Stacy."

Sunset Shimmer's POV

Mr Morgendorffer was pulled over by the police, so I knew that I had to intervene, "Don't worry," I said, getting out, "I've got this."

I walked over to the cop, who was talking to Mr Morgendorffer, "Excuse me, I think that you've got the wrong people, officer," I showed my vampire, "We're looking for a girl who spontaneously went missing last night, and you're impairing our search," I made sure that I meant business.

"On your way, then!" he replied, reverting to my normal self and turning to Mr Morgedorffer, "Mr Morgendorffer, is it?"

"Mommy!"

"I really would lay off the coffee for a little while. Just a suggestion, because I don't like what it's doing to you."

He nodded, then reached for his Starbuck's cup.

"Or, you could just go with decaf," I said, walking back to Mr O'Neil's car.

The second I got in, Mr Morgendorffer led us to their house. With no more interruptions, thank God.

At Daria's house, I was greeted as warmly as possible through her mom's and sister's anxiety and worry.

"I'm Sunset Shimmer," I said to the both of them.

"Helen," the man in the suit said to the brown-haired woman, "There is something up with this girl!"

"Jake!" she scolded.

"I'm Quinn," the oange-haired teenager said, "and that's my mom," she pointed to Mrs Morgendorffer.

"I'm Sunset Shimmer," I replied, "And I think I can get Daria back."

8: Search Party Number 1

Thursday 05 August 1999 08:55, Lawndale High School, Sunset Shimmer's POV

"You? Do you even know what she looks like?" Quinn asked me.

"I'm pretty sure that I'd know her when I see her."

"Be careful if you find her, though. I think she might be a communist now," Mr Morgendorffer said.

"Jake..." Mrs Morgendorffer replied, shaking her head.

"We should probably go in teams," Jodi suggested, "I'll work with Sunset."

"You sure about that?" I replied.

"Yeah."

"In case you're wondering," Quinn said, "She's 5-foot-2, has glasses, boxy green jacket, orange shirt, and a black skirt and boots, with brown hair."

"I'll... keep that in mind," I said as Jodi and myself left.

"I'll take you to the bush," Jane said, leading us out before turning back to everyone else, "I'll be back."

"Or," I said, "You could just tell us where it is."

"You both seem new to the area. It's a bush next to a pothole in the sidewalk."

Before we actually went anywhere, I made myself stumble in a direction where I would come in contact with her arm.

"What are you-- hey!"

I must've grabbed it.

I saw the path that would take us directly to the place. I must've been in there for a full minute though, because they both seemed to have some level of confusion-based concern over what had just "happened" to me.

"Are you okay?" Jodi asked, not knowing what to do.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jane asked, somewhat scolding what I had just done."

"Yeah," I said, getting up, "I'm fine," I rubbed my head to make it look like it hurt a little, "I just had a late night last night was all."

"Are you sure you can do this?"

"Yeah. I've driven through here before," I pointed left, if you were facing away from the Morgendorffer residence, "Ten and a half miles that way?"

"Uh... yeah," Jane replied possibly catching on to my secret.

"Jodi and I'll go alone. You... search somewhere else."

She went, VERY carefully, back into the house as Jodi and myself began to head to the bush. When the house was out of sight, Jodi confirmed my earlier suspicions of her knowing that I was lying.

"In the hall at school," she said, "were you really tossing a ball of fire?"

"This is between you and me," I said, snapping a look at her.

"Agreed."

"The truth is," I said, summoning a flame the size of a baseball in my right hand and showing it to her, "I'm not even human."

"Does that not hurt? And... what are you?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was originally a pony from Equestria, in another reality. Specifically, I was, and to an extent still, a unicorn. There are three other types of ponies: Earth ponies, Pegasi, and Alicorns. Earth ponies look like horses do here. Unicorns have magic, and have a horn as a result. Pegasi have wings, and Alicorns have both. When I came here, I became human. Well, at least until several people branded me, beat me, and left me to die, which I was dead briefly, before being found, taken to the hospital, and was turned into a vampire there," I said, turning into my vampire self, "That's pretty much it."

Jodi looked like she was going to pass out before putting a hand on her head and sitting down on the sidewalk.

"Are you okay?"

"That's just a lot to take in. I don't even know if this is real or not, Sunset."

"Hold this," I said, giving her the flame, "It won't hurt you."

She looked between the fire and me, then held it.

"I..."

"See?"

She dropped the flame, but instead of the expected effect, it fell to the ground like a piece of plastic, then smothered because of the way that I had summoned it.

"Do you...? When were you a human?"

"In about 20 years."

"Whoa," she said as I helped her up.

"Yeah..." I said, "I can help a little more than I tried to come off, earlier."

"You didn't want to show your magic to anyone?"

"Some people use it to their advantage. I didn't know if I could trust you," I turned to her with a face that said I mean business, "Can I?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "You can. Just... don't make me think you'll kill me."

"No point in hiding it now," I said, leaving vampire-me out, "I won't. I've got your back."

A few more minutes of talking, and we were at the bush that strobed last night in Jane's memory.

"So... is this it?"

"On the other side of this portal," I said, "is Equestria. From what I understood, you'll turn into a pony when you go through."

Her eyes darted left, then right, "Okay," she finally replied as she followed me in.

Author's Note

Kudos to you if you read the title of this chapter in Mr DeMartino's voice.
:pinkiesmile:

9: Daria's Research

Monday 26 March 2018 07:00, CHS, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

"Miss Sparkle," a woman called.

"Yes?"

I'm leaving!

I started running in one direction as fast as I could go, "No! No, no, no, no no!"

I found myself in the school's library, which reminded me of my school's library. It was an open two-floor room with a column in the middle, a desk surrounding it holding twelve picture frames with keyboards and mice. The walls were bookcases, lighting was provided by a glass dome on the ceiling, and there was a photocopier off to the side.

"Where the hell is the card catalog?" I asked myself out loud.

"Can I help you, miss?"

"Where is a catalog?"

She looked at me with a confused expression, "What do you mean?"

"The card catalog? Index listing?" I clarified.

"Oh!" she said, a hand to her head, "Everything's digital. It's on the computer in Seamonkey."

"The only use I have for mine is essays and Doom 3D."

"Hm," she chuckled, "You are oldschool."

"Oldschool?"

"You know, 80s and 90s. When I was your age."

"That refers to Trekkies," I replied, "Yuppies are people from the 80s."

"And 'Retro' refers to the 1960s and 70s for you, Miss Morgendorffer?" a familiar voice said, making me snap around.

When I saw who it was, I nearly peed myself: I was face-to-face with that vampire and what had to be her son. Only this time, their vampire features were recessed, sans each sporting a pair of wings.

"I believe I can help you," she said to me before looking at the librarian, "I believe a rundown of events since the millennium shall suffice Miss Daria's needs, Cheerilee," she looked back at me, "We'll be in my office."

"Yes ma'am, Luna."

Author's Note

What do you think should happen in VP Luna's office? Leave a suggestion in the comments below. I'll give a shoutout and (If I can figure out a way) put you in the story somehow.

Also, give me something to go on for whoever I pick. I don't want to make a character and say, Whistler (made up name from a Windows XP thing) thinks the idea sucks. I know I probably suck at this, but I do want to write something that someone else can enjoy.

10: Damn it!

Author's Note

I intend, as the title is, to do this from mostly (preferably all of) Jake's POV. Hence all of the "Dammit"s.

Kudos to you if you read the title of this chapter in Jake's voice.
:pinkiesmile:

10: Damn it!

Thursday 05 August 1999 09:10, Morgendorffer Residence, Jake Morgendorffer's POV

"You? Do you even know what she looks like?" Quinn asked the fiery-haired girl.

"I'm pretty sure that I'd know her when I see her."

"Be careful if you find her, though," I warned, "I think she might be a communist now."

"Jake..." Helen replied, shaking her head.

Dammit!

"Jake," Helen said, somewhat sternly, "Can you come to the kitchen?"

"Sure, Honey."

We both went into the kitchen, but instead of talking to me, her first move was, predictably, to get another cup of java. She stopped after doing a double take and quickly setting it down.

"What is it, Helen!?"

"It's... it's cold water."

I went over to check, and it was definitely just cold tap water. The next things we said, we said while we were looking at the mysterious coffee/water.

"I put it on right."

"Dammit, those communists! That girl-"

"Jake, I don't know what's going on-"

"Helen, hear me out. She's not an atomic communist, but there is something freaky about her. It's like... it's like she has these supernatural abilities," we looked up at each other, "And that she knows where Daria is and how to get her back."

"Jake that's... actually that almost makes sense."

"Dammit, Helen! I give you one theory that doesn't involve Communists, and you blow it the hell off!? Dammit!"

"Jake! I said it's plausible, not caffeine-induced."

He looked at me blankly for a second.

"Damn it. Helen, maybe we should just make another pot. Has that list gotten any longer?"

We both had a sudden urge to look in Helen's coffee mug again, only to find that it was slowly turning back into hot coffee.

"I'll pour it out and get my notebook, then I'll show you," she said, emptying the appliance that had been keeping her (and probably Quinn) awake for the majority of the day, then came over to me with the notebook she keeps in her nightstand.

"Here's what I have so far."

She opened to the page that she had written on at 05:30 labeled FINDING DARIA - POSSIBLE PLACES.

"A little disappointing, but we still have leads," she said, resting her hands on her face, "I think."

On the page was the same list, but the number of entries was somewhat more.

Jane's House
Amy's House
Cafe Lawndale
Lawndale Public Library

"Maybe Trent knows!" I said, picking up the phone and calling his house. After about twelve or so rings, I was getting fed up, "Please wake up and answer the damn phone!"

"Mmmm, hello?" Trent said, tiredly.

"Hello? Trent, do you know where Daria is?"

"No, you must be looking for the Morgendorffer-"

"GAH! I AM the Morgendorffer, dammit!"

"Woah. Calm down, man."

I took a few deep breaths.

Find Daria. Trent can help.

"Need anything?" he asked.

"Can you help me find Daria? You see, she just spontaneously dissappeared. Helen called me at work and told me."

"But I'm not wearing any pants."

"Put some on, dammit! I'll be over there in a few minutes!"

"Alright, Jake."

I hung up the phone and noticed a blank Helen, "What?"

"I've... I've never seen you this adamant since the hurricane when you tried to find her and Jane."

"Gotta be a man, sometimes, Helen!" I said, pouring two cups of straight-black coffee and walking to my (now repaired) '95 Lexus.

In the car, after setting down the coffee, I opened the glove box and reached for a folder labeled "DARIA".

"I hate to lie to Helen and pry with Daria's life, but she did say to do this if I needed."

The folder was just a plain, manila folder that wouldn't stand out, given that someone went through my stuff. The part that was truly concerning to me was if Helen or Quinn found out that the two of us bonded on occasion. Even if it was just things like how I could do better in my consulting firm, or even just reassuring me that I've already done better than my dad.

If they find out, I said, memorizing the address to Jane's house, there will be all hell to pay.

After I put the folder back up and closed the compartment, I sped down the roads going an easy 70MPH to Trent's house. On the way there, my car stalled for a second as I passed Jodi and the other girl just sitting on the sidewalk.

No time for that now, dammit.

"When this is over, I'm going to be a private investigator for her, dammit," I said as the car started and I finished the 25-minute drive to Trent and Jane's house.

When I got there, I just left the car running and ran up to the door, pounding on it. After about a minute, he came to the door.

"Ready?" he asked.

"You bet I am, dammit!"

"Then let's go, dammit."

"Trent," I said, backing out of the driveway like hell, "you're like a son to me, dammit."

"Thanks, dammit."

11: Father/Daughter Bonding (Flashback)

Monday 05 April 1999 00:27, Daria's POV

I woke up in the middle of the night to hear dad being stressed at the kitchen nook. I must've fell asleep writing a story (or trying to, seeing as how I had writer's block) and done so in my clothes.

I'm afraid to ask, but I think I owe it to him.

I set my notebook in the floor and grabbed my flashlight from the bottom shelf of the cart that held my TV, switched it on, and started to leave my room, but my jacket had begun to smell, so I took it off before leaving. I didn't feel any better, though.

"Dammit, what the hell am I doing wrong?" he said, looking at his laptop and a copy of the local newspaper, The Lawndale Sun Herald, and drinking coffee.

"Hey, Dad," I said, jolting him.

"Dammit!" he replied, snapping back to me, "Oh, just you, Daria."

"Something going on?"

"I'm having trouble getting clients and- hey, shouldn't you be in bed?"

"A wave of insomnia hit me."

I was met by a blank look, "What?"

"Trouble sleeping," I replied, "It hits me if I'm doing something and I fall asleep while doing it."

"Kiddo, you can get an audience, right?"

"If I give enough of a damn, I probably could."

"Can you help me with this?" he said, "It's my company's website."

"Why do you have parts of the paper highlighted?"

"Those are the trends and types of clients I want."

I looked at the paper and his choices, "You want trekkies and yuppies?"

"Huh?"

"Trekkies are pointless idiots from the 1960s whose lives revolved around a science-fiction show, and yuppies had their success in the 80s. I think you need to try and appeal to the older millennials."

"Millennials?"

"After the Yuppies."

"Oh, right!"

I took the paper and crossed out some obvious crap, leaving sensible stuff like IBM, Packard Bell, Kleenex, Clorox, and a few others that were already successful, just for some headway.

"Aren't these already successful?"

"For this to work," I said, sitting down with a cup of coffee, "You need to start with big names that have a strong foothold already."

"How is that going to work?"

"You might get some to back you."

"Hey, that's a great idea, kiddo!"

"Careful, you'll wake up Mom."

"You're right," he said, "If she finds us out of bed, there'll be all hell to pay."

"Not to mention the bonding and you losing your escape. You won't have your smokescreen of cluelessness to hide behind anymore."

"Dammit, you're right," he said, "But... how did you know?"

"It's easy when you start paying attention to the signs. You didn't even know why you grounded me and Quinn; you were just following Mom's lead."

"How did you know?"

"Your enthusiasm gave it away," I said, "Now, about your website."

He gave the laptop to me, and I read it out loud.

Hello! My name is Jake Morgendorffer. I have over 20 years of experience in consumer motivation, market research implementation protocol, and direct mail couponpack composition. Need marketing advice? My one-man operation keeps your costs low. You won't be wasting money on fancy penthouse offices, extensive support staff, or extravagant expense account meals. Or a decent coffee maker. Or a computer that can go for three minutes without crashing. I even use both sides of the paper when photocopying. When the damn "factory refurbished" copier works. "Like new" - yeah, right.

If you hire me you will get personalized service - the kind you won't find at some huge downtown firm with a boardroom table bigger than my so-called office "suite." Do you think there's someone over there who has the time to listen to you go on and on for hours trying to decide whether your logo has enough "oomph?" Who will sit quietly while you burst his eardrum screaming about a typo that caused fifty percent of your sweepstakes mailing list to win Grand Prize? (And by the way, it was the printer's fault.) No, damn it! They would never put up with that. But I will be happy to do so. "Be your own boss" - yeah, right.

Let me share my knowhow. Drop me a line. Anytime. Please.

JAKE MORGENDORFFER CYBER-CONSULTING
A division of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting, Inc. Halcyon Hills Corporate Park, Building G (the L-shaped one)

"It's good, right?"

I shook my head, "Really?"

"What's wrong?"

I sighed, taking another sip of the bitter, caffeine-rich drink, "Well, for starters, you're venting your frustrations with office appliances on the consulting page. Then, there's your choice of words. While I do like the approach, you overworked it some. Assuming that we would keep the page as it is, it needs punctuation. Also, it wouldn't hurt to change the title of the page to 'Jake Morgendorffer Cyber-Consulting'. The rest just needs to go away, altogether."

"Show me what ya got, Kiddo."

Hello, my name is Jake Morgendorffer, and I have over 20 years of experience in consumer motivation, market research implementation protocol, and direct mail couponpack composition. Do you need marketing advice? Because if you do, then my one-man operation will your costs low, resulting in you having a larger profit margin

If you hire me, then you will get personalized service that you deserve. With my one-on-one consulting and a personalized experience, you're likely to have a perfect profit.

If any errors or mistakes come about, bumps in the road, I will gladly help you deal with them, or take care of them myself, if I am able. My goal is to streamline your advertising experience.

I would be more than happy to assist you on your way to a successful product, then business.

JAKE MORGENDORFFER CYBER-CONSULTING
PHONE: 555-6676
FAX: 555-6677
A division of JAKE MORGENDORFFER CONSULTING, INC. Halcyon Hills Corporate Park, Building G

"So, here it is," I said, showing him the revised webpage."

"I... just... wow," he looked at me and noticed how I hadn't showered yet, "You go shower, and I'll have you something when you get back."

"I'd call that bonding," I said, going upstairs.

I just knew that he had his trademark smile after all that had taken place.

Author's Note

Jake Morgendorffer Cyber Consulting:
http://web.archive.org/web/20000817201918/http://mtv.com:80/mtv/tubescan/animation/daria/hompage_060999/index.html

12: A Pinkie Pie Break

Monday 26 March 2018 07:20, VP Luna's Office, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

The two vampires, six girls, and myself were now in what must've been the Principal's office.

If this is a school ran by vampires, then my chances of getting home would have been better in the mirror.

"I apologize for the poor lighting if it bothers you," she said, noticing my hard time seeing.

The six girls stood with blank looks on their faces (minus who had to be Pinkie Pie, who had an over-excited expression) at each other, the younger vampire started writing in what looked like... symbols, and the older vampire sat behind her desk, looking at me as if I were supposed to say something next.

"To what do we owe the pleasure?" the older vampire said.

"I'm stuck-"

Pinkie Pie cut in, making everyone's expression change to various forms of confusion throughout her speech.

"You're from Wednesday 04 August 1999 22:23 in Lawndale, Maryland! You and your friend, Jane Lane were walking to her house to discuss aliens while a miscommunication, and gossip, led everyone at your school, Lawndale High, to believe that you were aliens from outer space or atomic communists! Your sister Quinn told your mom and dad, after you left your house of course, that your English teacher, Mr Timothy O'Neill, said something about you being a communist and were out to destroy the American way of life! That made your dad, Jake Morgendorffer, flip out, to which your mom replied, and I quote, 'Oh, Jake, that man O'Neill has a screw loose', which is kind of true when you think about it. Next, your sister came and told that he called you an atomic communist, making your dad stress even more! Your mom then says that she'll call your US History teacher, Mr DeMartino, noting that he's high-strung but a fixture at your school, prompting for Quinn to come back again and say, and I quote, 'Mr. DeMartino was led off in handcuffs'! Your dad then began to freak out as your mom, Helen Morgendorffer, became concerned! As you were walking to meet your friend, your dad was spazzing out to your mom this stuff about you being involved in socialist activities! All of this happened while you were walking down the street with Jane! At some point, when you made it to this seemingly normal bush that started strobing! You and Jane tried to run, but instead, you were sucked into it! You thought everything was hopeless after you fell through a cloud, but Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer, more on her in a moment, went to Princess Twilight who brought you down to the ground! Princess Twilight thought you were dead for a moment, until the others helped her come to realization, then gave back your glasses! You didn't know it, but you also lost your colorblindedness when you went to Equestria for the duration of your stay! Your family and friends began to worry about you when you didn't come home that night, or even call! Even though it's like you to not want your mom to be motherly. You then went to the Carousel Boutique to get some pony-friendly clothes made for you that look just like your regular outfit, where you met Rarity and Eris, Discord's sister. You were so scared! Later, you were at a restaurant called 'Hayburger' and you told Starlight how your school was, comparing it to Hell-On-Earth, making her almost vomit! You went back to the Princess's Council Room after Pony-Me set off a confetti cannon, then you called home, and made everypony even more uncomfortable with the conversation you had, which you promptly fell asleep immediately afterward! That night, you woke up in the New Golden Oaks Library, sneaked out, then sneaked into the Princess's castle, only to be stopped by Rainbow Dash, who said she would help you find the portal IF she could wear your glasses, which you did let her do, so she helped you find the portal, which threw you into present-day Canterlot, California! By the way, it's Monday 26 March 2018 if nobody's told you," she said, grinning widely afterward, leaving me in a state of complete shock.

"Pinkie Pie," Twilight said, "I think that's the most nonplausible thing you've ever said."

"Yeah..." Rainbow Dash agreed, "Pretty sure that didn't happen."

"How did you figure that out?" I asked, "I don't even know about some of that."

"Just a hunch!" the girl responded.

"Ah'm Applejack," the hat-bearing girl said, "Ah'd b' glad ta help ya back t'yer home."

One-by-one, the girls introduced themselves. There had to be some correlation between here and the land of horses. The six girls were Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie.

"What about you two?"

"Seth," the younger vampire said, looking up and pushing his glasses to his face, "I don't bite," he stood up and put his hands on the table that served as the desk.

"And I'm Luna Sonen, the Vice Principal of Canterlot City High School. I trust that Seth and these girls will help you make it home safely. If you require any assistance," she added, "you can ask me at any time."

"Yeah, thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

Author's Note

I tried to break as many fourth walls with Pinkie Pie as humanly possible.

13: What The- Why Can't I Get Back In!?

Thursday 05 August 1999 09:25, Strobing Bush, Sunset Shimmer's POV

"So... is this it?"

"On the other side of this portal," I said, "is Equestria. From what I understood, you'll turn into a pony when you go through."

Her eyes darted left, then right, "Okay," she finally replied as she followed me in.

We walked into the bush, but it didn't work, "What the hell?"

"Sunset," Jodi said, "I know this was supposed to work, but... what happened?"

"I... I don't know," I replied, "This is how everyone says she went into Equestria, and this is the portal from Jane's memory-"

"What?"

"The necklace," I admitted, "is a geode that lets me see other's memories on physical contact. That's why I 'stumbled' in the driveway."

"Is there anything else that you haven't told me?"

I sighed as the polite and approachable girl became expectant, "Just... be ready for anything," I looked her in the eye, "Can you understand that for an explination?"

"Guess I'll have to. Now," she said, putting a hand on my back, "Just calm down."

"Right. I am working with nothing here, and I don't have a link to Princess Twilight."

"Princess Twilight?"

"One of those see-it-to-believe-it things."

"And how you were able to survive a hundred mile per hour car impact?"

"Vampire. Equestrian Magic can't do that."

"Name?"

"As far as I know, that's all there is to it. Though some mothers in Equestria say they have visions of their foal's cutie mark at birth."

"Cutie... mark?"

"Like a fingerprint, except it symbolizes something you're talented at or your personality."

PING-PING PING-PING PING-PING PING-PONG

"What was that?" Jodi said, running backward.

My Samsung Galaxy S8 must've been recording this whole time.

"My smartphone! It must've recorded something!"

Jodi ran back over to me as I scrubbed the video to where I went into the portal.

It was crystal-blue. Not magenta.

1: Abduction... maybe?

Wednesday 04 August 1999 22:23, Lawndale USA, Daria Morgendorffer's POV

Several beams from a bush lit up and then shut back off.

"Did we just see a UFO?" my friend, Jane Lane, asked me.

"You're getting paranoid," I replied, pushing my glasses back up to my face, "It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys."

"But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight."

"Come on. This is Lawndale."

"Oh yeah."

We each took another step as the beams of light from the bush returned and started moving.

"Oh God," I said, taking a step back with Jane.

The bush started strobing, so we started running further down the sidewalk.

"Dammit, what's going on here?"

I tripped on my boot and fell, but Jane couldn't get back to me in time. I noticed a flash of light before I was sent somewhere else.

"DARIA!!"

That was it.

Same time and date, Morgendorffer Residence, Helen Morgendorffer's POV

"No coffee? At a time like this!? Our daughter's an ATOMIC COMMUNIST!!!!!"

"For the love of God, Jake! Can we move on from the coffee already? And Daria isn't a communist."

A bright flash of light shone for a moment, then everything went back to normal.

"What was that?"

"Daria's got nukes from Russia, Helen!"

"Oh God," I said, rolling my eyes.