Artificial Joy

by ForgottenNight

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Suicide / Self Harm, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Sad, Romance
Length: 3648

After dating for six months, Rainbow Dash discovers something about Pinkie she never knew. Maybe Pinkie isn't as happy as she initially thought?

Nine months. Nine painstakingly slow months. Pinkie loves Rainbow. Loves her because she is the best thing that has happened to her. But even Pinkie has trouble staying happy. And she's out of pills.

Published 2018-05-22 23:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-22 23:40:07 UTC

Out of Joy

Pinkie stared out the window of Sugarcube Corner. It was a Saturday, and a dreary one at that. She was in her room, watching the hands on the clock move at a snail's pace. The ticking became monotonous and she tuned it out all together. The cloudy afternoon sky made it seem like it was near evening, but it was the middle of Spring.

On the floor by her bed rested a pill bottle. Pinkie had thrown it across the room before, but it ricocheted and hit her square in the head. She had ran out of her prescription, and now she was silently tearing up. Tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto the sill.

What was she sad about? She had a loving marefriend, plentiful friends, and she planned outstanding parties. Yet she still felt empty inside. She felt... worthless. She was shocked when she realized this at first— nine months ago. She was the Element of Laughter, after all. Nevertheless, she felt as if she didn't know how to be happy.

Rain began flattering against the glass. Pinkie Pie heaved heavily. A knock sounded outside her door, along with the voice of her marefriend.

"Pinkie? Come out. You've been in there since this morning," Rainbow Dash said. "We can go somewhere nice. Or we can rock out with DJ-P0N3." Rainbow Dash opened the door to the dimly lit room, her eyes immediately falling upon her melancholic marefriend. "Pinks, you okay?" Rainbow Dash asked with great concern.

Pinkie Pie turned to face her marefriend, but avoided she contact. "Hi, Dashie." Pinkie didn't have her usual bubbly personality, something Rainbow noticed right off the bat.

"Are you okay? You seem to be unnaturally sad." Rainbow approached her partner, closing the distance between them in just a few steps. "Pinks?"

"I'm fine, Dashie. Just a bit tired." Pinkie Pie flashed what she hoped was something similar to her usual joy-filled smile.

"Well, okay." Doubt was detectable in her voice, yet neither addressed it. Rainbow noticed the small bruise on Pinkie's forehead. "Pinkie, what happened?" Rainbow placed one hoof on the bruise,only for Pinkie to recoil in pain.

"I'm fine, Rainbow. It's just a bruise." Pinkie had said it in a way that says there's nothing more to discuss.

"If you say so," Rainbow said unconvinced. She planted a loving kiss on Pinkie's forehead, as If it alone would heal the affliction. "You should put ice on that to help it go down," she said as she approached the door. "And get some sleep, too."

"I will, Dashie. Stop worrying," Pinkie told Rainbow. She pecked her marefriend on the cheek, and have her a hug for good measure. "Now to home and relax. We can go out when I'm feeling better."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Pinkie recited. Pinkie nuzzled Rainbow's cheek, and ushered her out the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Kay, Pinks?"

"Sounds like a plan. See you then." Rainbow trotted down the stairs, and took flight once outside. Pinkie's mane deflated to its flat state. She enjoyed being around Rainbow, but she didn't want to today. She trotted over and slithered into bed, intent on spending the rest of the day doing nothing.

She looked at the clock on the wall. Three o'clock, nine hours until tomorrow. Something came to Pinkie's mind. Something she didn't like hearing, because it was the opposite of joy. Maybe she would feel better if she killed herself.

"But what about Dashie?" she asked nopony in particular. "I can't just let her worry. I love her too much."

"She would understand. After all, she does knows you," a voice responded. Pinkie recognized the voice. It belonged to her evil ponysona: Pinkamena. "I say do it. You'll be free from your pain forever. Plus it won't hurt at all."

"What would I use?" Am I really considering this? Pinkie thought.

"Use the ropes. They can support your weight. Just tie a noose and hang loose." Pinkamena giggled. "Like my little rhyme? I thought it was genius."

"I guess I can do that. But when should I do it?"

"Tonight. Dash is expecting to see you tomorrow. Don't give her the chance." Pinkamena was starting to sound sadistic. A shiver traveled down Pinkie's spine, even though the average temperature for today was twenty degrees Celsius. Pinkamena noticed Pinkie's silence. "What's wrong? Don't you like my ideas?" she asked sounding like Pinkie hurt her feelings. Pinkamena laughed at her own acting skills. Pinkie remained silent, stopping Pinkamena's joy train in its tracks. "What?" she hissed. Pinkie couldn't form the words, and found her mouth rather dry. "Since when are you mute?" More silence followed her question. "Answer me!" she demanded. Anger dripped like acid from her mouth. Her eyes bore into Pinkie's soul, an empty abyss. Except, it wasn't empty. Images of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash flashed into her own mind. Joy filled her stone cold heart, warming it like a family sitting by the fireplace on Hearth's Warming Eve.

"I can't do that." Pinkamena stood dumbfounded . How could Pinkie say 'no'? "I love her too much. I want to see her tomorrow," Pinkie said when Pinkamena remained quiet. "What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" Pinkie giggled at her comeback.

"Whatever. Dash only cares about you because the two of you are friends."

"That's not true!" Pinkie exclaimed. "She loves me because I'm me. How many times do I have to tell you this?"

"Pinkie, who are you talking to?" Rainbow Dash asked. Rainbow's sudden appearance caught Pinkie off guard. She spun in place to see her lover standing in the door frame.

"Dashie!" A smile spread across her face, but it slowly disappeared— replaced by a look of curiosity. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know something's wrong." Rainbow gestured towards the bed, where the both of them sat. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"I do want to talk, but something's holding me back. I just don't feel like myself," Pinkie admitted.

"Pinkie," Rainbow said sternly. "Whatever is bothering you, you can tell me." Rainbow closed the gap between them. "I'll always be here for you," she said while draping a wing over Pinkie.

"I guess I can tell you, but I'm not sure if would help."

"I know it will." Rainbow locked lips with Pinkie, causing all of Pinkie's problems to dissolve. Pinkie closed her eyes, melting into the kiss. She forgot everything that troubled her. The only thing that mattered was the two of them.

Rainbow pulled away, so she could look into Pinkie's eyes. The blue eyes, the ones that matched her coat, the ones which she loves staring into— loved seeing the determination within— had a look of pain. They cried her name, begging her to help them. This wasn't the usual way Pinkie would look at her. Something was wrong, but Pinkie was refusing help.

"Pinks, I know there's something bothering you."

"Nothing's bothering me," she said defiantly. "You worry too much, Dash."

"Why shouldn't I worry? We're dating, but you're not telling me your problems."

"You wouldn't understand," she muttered, "your ego doesn't get it."

"What did you say?" Rainbow demanded. Anger boiled deep within her heart. She wanted to know Pinkie's problems, but she kept shutting Rainbow out.

"I said your stupid brain can't imagine the struggle I'm going through!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"I'm just trying to help!" Rainbow fumed. "Not only are we dating, but I'm also the Element of Loyalty!"

"More like the Element of Nosy!"

"I'm just trying to help! Why do you have to act like such a bit—" Rainbow was cut-off by Pinkie swinging a hoof into her face. Rainbow crumpled to the ground— not only with blood dripping from her muzzle, but also tears in her eyes. She looked up at Pinkie, astonished she would do that. She got up and ran out of the room crying, a trail of tears left in her wake.

Pinkie felt heartbroken. She had never hit anypony before, and it made her feel awful. She hurt somepony she loved, and she became overwhelmed with guilt. It gnawed at every fiber of her being, consuming her slowly until all she did was cry. Tears rained upon the floor beneath her. She trotted over to a cupboard beside her bed. Once she opened it, she pulled out nine bottles.

Each bottle had seven pills within them. The medication was from after her hospitalization due to an i just she sustained at one of her over-the-top parties. She had this planned for months. Nine painstakingly slow months. She had planned to do it after three, but that was when Rainbow kissed her on the lips. Pinkie still remembers the day in vivid detail.

It was the fourteenth of October. The morning sun rained its golden rays upon the townsfolk. The autumn leaves gently floated to the ground— crunching under the weight of anypony who stepped on them. It was a relatively quiet day, with the exception of Pinkie planning another party.

She was busy baking three cakes and a lemon meringue pie. It was one of the orders of the day. Actually, it was the only order for the day. Pinkie had just placed the last came in the oven when the bell rang.

"Just a minute!" she happily said. After setting the oven to the necessary temperature, she turned to face the customer. "Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, how can I—" she cut-off as she saw who it was. "Rainbow Dash!" she exclaimed, pulling her friend into a tight hug. "It's so good to see you!"

"It's only been one day," Rainbow replied with a smile.

"Well it felt like years to me," Pinkie stated. "So what brings you here?"

"I just wanted to see if you were up for hanging out tonight. Thanks week has been uneventful when you're not around."

"You're in luck! I'm free tonight. There wasn't a whole lot of orders, so they were completed with ease."

"Awesome! I have the perfect night planned too," Rainbow said. "Meet me at the Bowling alley in one hour."

"Okey dokey." After their farewell, Rainbow flew out the store and Pinkie went upstairs to get ready.

...

Pinkie Pie approached the Bowling alley. She was a little early than the two planned, but it wasn't her intention to keep Rainbow waiting. Pinkie saw her friend standing outside, presumably awaiting Pinkie's arrival. Once the two were reunited and exchanged hugs, they entered the establishment.

The scent of pizza and freshly-made hay fries greeted their nostrils. Stallions and mares ran wildly about the place, some on dates and others out with friends. The sound of bowling balls colliding with pins infiltrated their ears, deafening them to the point that they had to shout to hear one another.

"I see an empty lane over there!" Rainbow shouted to Pinkie.

"Yeah, let's use that one!" Pinkie replied. She hopped her way over to the lane, which was isolated from other ponies. Using her wings, Rainbow joined Pinkie at the lane. "Do you want anything to eat?" Pinkie asked her.

"See if they have any hayburgers. If they don't, then get me an extra cheese pizza."

"Manehattan-style?"

"You know it! Can't go wrong with a good old pizza the Manehattan way." After Pinkie returned with the pizza and they ate with content, they bowled— literally and figuratively— the day away. They stopped to get some dinner at The Hay Burger, but returned to do some more bowling. By the time they finished it was nine o'clock at night.

"It's getting kind of late, Dashie. I should be getting home."

"Okay," Rainbow said dejected.

"You can come too, if you want." Rainbow's face light up at the suggestion.

"Really? That would be some awesome. Race you there." Rainbow zipped through the air with great speed, leaving a rainbow trail behind her. Even with her being the fastest in all of Equestria, she still couldn't beat Pinkie to Sugarcube Corner. By the time she reached the front door and opened it, Pinkie was at the counter tidying up.

"What took you so long?" Pinkie asked her.

Rainbow only chuckled at the question. "I'll never understand you, Pinks. You're absolutely the most random pony I know." Rainbow stretched her wings and body, causing some joints to pop.

"Are you tired, Dashie?" Pinkie asked.

"A little," she replied. "Got any sleeping bags or an extra mattress I can use?" Rainbow asked through a yawn.

"I don't." Pinkie pondered for a few seconds before coming up with an idea. "How about we share my bed?"

"I don't know, Pinkie. Are you sure about this?"

"Come on, Dashie. It'll be fun!" Before Rainbow could speak, Pinkie was already hopping up the stairs. Rainbow shrugged. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to share a bed together. It's only one night after all.

The door was open a crack, allowing a thin ray of light shine through. Opening the door, Rainbow saw Pinkie's bed surrounded with rose petals and candles. Pinkie herself wore fishnet stockings.

"Pinkie?" Rainbow was stunned at what she was seeing. "What is all this?"

"Do you like what you see?" A question answered, not only by Rainbow blushing, but also by her wings slowly rising.

Trying to regain her composure, Rainbow shook her head. "Pinks, are you feeling alright?"

"What makes you think something is wrong?" Pinkie asked worried.

"Because you're giving me mixed signals." She trotted over to the bed, sitting next to Pinkie. "Now tell me what's wrong."

Pinkie sighed. She considered not telling Rainbow, but realized that would only make the situation worse. Taking a deep breath, Pinkie replied, "Whenever I'm around you, I can't help but feel all tingly inside. When we aren't together, I feel lonely. Only recently did I figure out what I was feeling." Pinkie stopped, gathering the courage to tell her best friend her true emotions. "I love you, Dash."

Rainbow said nothing, leaving Pinkie to believe she was disgusted at Pinkie's words. She hung her head low, unable to look at Rainbow. She felt Rainbow use a hoof to lift her head up and meet her gaze. Except it didn't. Instead, Pinkie saw Rainbow's eyes closed, while she felt something touch her lips.

It took her a few seconds to realize just what was happening: Rainbow was kissing her. It filled her heart with joy to know that Rainbow loved her as well. She closed her eyes and relaxed her muscles, losing herself in the kiss. They pulled apart to breathe. That was when they knew they were perfect for each other. They got into bed together, Rainbow embracing Pinkie.

"Rainbow?"

"Yes, Pinkie?"

"You won't leave me, will you?"

"I won't," Rainbow replied.

"Promise?" Rainbow chuckled. The only thing better than a promise, is a Pinkie Promise.

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." After Rainbow finished the phrase, she planted a kiss on Pinkie's head. Pinkie snuggled closer to her new marefriend. Just before sleep engulfed the two of them, Rainbow spoke one last time.

"I love you too, Pinkie."

Pinkie popped the cap off one of the bottles, and emptied its contents. She only felt pain in her heart. She was doing this to protect Rainbow. She was saving Rainbow from a hopeless case: Pinkie. The note was already written months prior.

It read:

"Dear Rainbow Dash,

"By the time you read this, I will have already committed suicide. I'm doing this to protect you. Had we continued dating, I would have done something to hurt you. I don't want to cause you pain, and I don't want to leave you, but this is the only option. I'm truly sorry it had to come to this. I just want you to be happy.

-Sincerely, Pinkamena Diane Pie"

After all the bottles were emptied, Pinkie grabbed the glass of water she had one her nightstand. She took each and every last pill, and drank the water to force them down. In about ten minutes she will be dead, and nopony would remember her.

"Goodbye, Rainbow. I'll always love you," Pinkie said as she drifted into unconsciousness. The last thing she heard was her name being called, but her eyes were too blurry to see and it sounded so far away.

Pinkie gradually woke up, the sound of a heart monitor stirring her from her sleep. She was lying on a hospital bed, with no recollection of how she got there. Sun shone into the room, along with a nice cool breeze coming from the open window. The chirping of birds and warmth of the summer air slowed down her heart rate.

The sun was setting over the horizon, painting the sky a bright orange. Stray clouds occasionally glided in front of the sun, casting a shadow over Pinkie. The sound of hummingbirds drinking the sweet nectar from a nearby bed of honeysuckle filled the air. She closed her eyes, enjoying the moment and hoping it could last. However, she snapped back to reality when a voice spoke to her.

"Thank Celestia you're awake!" Pinkie's vision was obscured by a rainbow-colored mane as somepony pulled her into a tight hug. Rainbow released Pinkie from her grasp to look her in the eyes. "I was so worried about you. Thus doctor said you had a five percent chance of pulling through. But I just knew you'd—" she was cut-off by Pinkie who put a hoof to her mouth.

"Why did you save me?" Pinkie asked, not looking her in the eye.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Rainbow. If you loved me, you would have let me die."

"Pinks," Rainbow said lovingly, "I saved you because I love you."

"I should have died! You should have let that happen!" Pinkie said, raising her voice.

"If I let that happen, then we wouldn't be together." Rainbow spoke calmly, while hiding the pain in her voice. It was her intention to calm Pinkie down enough to talk this through.

"That's the point! I wanted you to have a better life without me!" Pinkie sighed. A few minutes passed before she spoke again. "That's why I did it. So you wouldn't be stuck with me." Tears started forming in her eyes, making her turn away from Rainbow. "Everypony expects me to be happy, even in dire situations. They're normally right, but... " She trailed off, losing herself in thought.

"But what?" Rainbow prompted.

"But I'm not as happy as they think I am. Remember that day I had to go to the rock farm?" she asked, trying not to cry.

"Of course. You left in such a rush, you didn't bother saying goodbye."

"Right. Well the reason I left was because my dad was ill. After losing my mom, I never stopped worrying about him. He had been fighting the illness for one month, and he lost. After the funeral, I couldn't muster the strength to be happy, so I started taking pills.

"I've been taking them for months. Until I ran out. That was when you found me staring out the window. I had already planned my suicide, but then you kissed me. That day I made a vow to make sure you were happy, even if I wasn't."

"Pinks," Rainbow started saying, "you should know me by now. I love being around you. You make me laugh, you care for me, and you plan the best parties. I love seeing you smile, I love hearing you laugh, and I can't just imagine what my life would be like without you."

"You're life would be better without me," Pinkie stated sadly. Rainbow used a wing to wipe away the tears running down Pinkie's cheek. She got on the bed with Pinkie, and draped a wing over her shoulder.

"No, it wouldn't. My life is twenty percent cooler with you around." Rainbow nuzzled Pinkie's cheek, placing a kiss on it when she lifted her head to speak again. "Nothing will stop me from loving you, and I will do anything to make you happy." Rainbow pulled Pinkie closer until their lips met. The setting sun painted the room in a golden orange before it fully disappeared. The silver moonlight crept into the room silently, not disturbing the lovers who dwelled within.

Pinkie parted their lips to speak to Rainbow. "You're not mad at me for trying to kill myself?"

"Of course not," Rainbow said. "Pinks, I'd never leave you, even if you wanted me to."

Pinkie glanced out the window, noticing how dark it was getting. She looked down at the bed they were on. It was just hit enough to fit two ponies, especially if they snuggled together. Returning her gaze to Rainbow, Pinkie asked, "Do you want to sleep here tonight, Rainbow? We could share the bed."

"I don't know. It seems a little odd."

"Come on, Dashie. It'll be fun." The two laughed at their joke. Pinkie couldn't remember the last time she laughed, but she didn't care. The two of them were together again, and that's all that mattered.

The two got into position, Rainbow embracing Pinkie and intending to never let her go. As the moonlight engulfed the room and all the lights on the hospital turned off one-by-one, a final question popped into Pinkie's mind.

"Rainbow?" she asked quietly.

"Yes Pinkie?"

"You're not going to leave me, are you?" she asked with sincerity.

"No, Pinkie."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

Author's Note

"Suicide is a serious thing. And if you know anyone who is suicidal, you need to get them help. No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves."
(Gerard Way)

Source: Brainy Quote