The Thing We Do For Love

by Not Enough Coffee

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Violence, Crossover, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Human, Anon, Original Character
Length: 16873

Anon, through happenstance, finds himself in Equestia. It's a dream come true. Though, he brought along The Thing with him. Interesting enough, she seems to like him... a little too much.

Anon, through happenstance, finds himself in Equestia. It's a dream come true. Though, he brought along The Thing with him. Interesting enough, she seems to like him... a little too much.

Now he must force himself to love the eldritch abomination, or else risk all of Equestria getting assimilated.

The first two chapters were pre-read by An Intricate Disguise, and Vylon.

Edited by Alex, and TheWraithWriter.

Cover art by me.

Published 2018-03-26 14:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-31 23:59:53 UTC

Freaky Friday

Anon felt the wind rush past him, making him feel free as a bird… if a bird was flightless and was heading straight for the ground.

“OH SHIT!” He exclaimed in pure terror as he came closer and closer to meeting his maker. Just before he hit the ground, a blur swooped past his vision, and he soon found himself alive and well. “Oh, thank God. Wait, what the fuck?” He looked around, taking note of the cyan pegasus with a wicked rainbow hairdo carrying him through the air. “Holy shit, I must have died after all, there’s no way this is real!”

Anon began to kick and scream, whining and throwing a fit. So nothing was new, but it managed to knock him out of the pegasus’ grip, making him spiral into another free fall. He screamed like a little bitch until he was caught once again.

“Okay, buddy, I’m gonna need you to cool your jets. I’m trying to save your life, ya hear me?”

“I really wish I didn’t, this is some freaky shit.” He was about to squirm again, but another look at the ground below made him rethink that, before he decided to just let loose and relax.

“To think God would take pity on me, and personalize my heaven with cute ponies.”

“What in Equestria are ya talking about?”

“Even sounds like her, too.” He moved a little closer and took a whiff of her fur coat, making the pegasus flush red. “Even what I’d imagine she’d smell like.”

He then found himself falling again, this time actually hitting the ground face first. He just laid there, silent and unmoving. Not a single muscle spasm to show he was still alive.

Flying down to observe the short-lived… thingy, the cyan mare poked at Anon’s body, trying to provoke a response. “Eh he he…” She rubbed the back of her neck, before whistling and trotting off in no particular direction. She’d rather be anywhere but there, next to the corpse of some random creature she never encountered, and who she most definitely did not murder, no siree.

A moment later, and Anon finally came to, rising slowly from the indent he left in the earth. “Yup, there’s no doubt about it, that’s certainly Rainbow Dash… then that means.” He got a good look at his surroundings, his smile growing three different sizes of creepy. “I’M IN EQUESTRIA!”

“Shut up, will ya!” A random voice came from a distance, but Anon paid it no mind. He was too caught up in the euphoric feeling of being in his favorite cartoon show, though he wouldn’t admit that in public. No, he had some dignity.

A sudden memory of what happened before getting here flashed before him; an eldritch creature beyond imagining launching towards him, causing him to fall back and slide off the cliff side he was backed into. Next thing he knew, he was falling into Equestria, and that… thing was gone from existence.

It set his mind at ease, a comfort he hadn’t felt in quite some time.

“Hmm? Wonder where Rainbow went off to? Ah well, I have time for that later.” He rubbed his hands together, “Now’s the time for fun.”

* * * *

“Oh, the horror, the horror! Everypony, run for your lives!” Lily Valley screamed in absolute terror as Anon sauntered his way through Ponyville, his hands in front of him, his fingees at the ready. He wanted to hold one of these ponies, after all;this was heaven, and he always wanted to cuddle up next to one. Why else would he buy that five-hundred dollar, life-sized plush of Princess Luna?

Never mind that, there were ponies to be hugged, booped, and groped. Never mind that last one, but it didn’t stop him from trying anyway. It went about as well as a bum trying to do open-heart surgery. His dreams dashed, and thrown away into the trash, as all the ponies of Ponyville cowered away in fear, running away from his passionate hugs.

It made Anon sad, but that wasn’t so bad. Maybe they were trying to prepare for his, “Welcome to Ponyville Party!” Just like how everypony is greeted in the show.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait!”

He saw something shuffling in the bushes off to the side. It had to be Pinkie, scouting to see what he was up to. He made his way up to the bush, hoping to get the jump on her, and let her know he knew what she was up to. Instead, a figure moved faster than he could possibly keep up with out of the bush, making its grand getaway.

“Not so fast, Pinkie!” He called out to the figure, barely seeing the edge of its shadow make its way into one of the timber-framed houses. Now was his chance. Slowly making his way towards the place, he thought up a master plan inside his head. Barge in head-on, and tackle the pony on the other side. It was foolproof.

He slammed the door open, his eyes determined, and his body ready. Instead, what he was greeted with sent the coldest shivers down his spine, his confidence destroyed with the single image of… The Thing in front of him.

It was busy melding with a pony inside the living room of the place, slowing merging and consuming the poor mare. “AAARGRLGL” she screamed, being caught off at the end, as her entire being became one with the creature. She was gone, lost from the world, and now a part of that Thing that haunted Anon’s very nightmares.

A fleshy appendage extended from the mass of flesh, turning towards Anon, an eyeball at the end of it. It stared into his very being, the pupil looking more like a goat’s than a pony. Slowly, the rest of The Thing turned towards him, inching bit by bit as more jagged teeth and orifices opened up to show just how twisted the beast was.

Anon, for the life of him, was too stunned with fear to flee for his life. He just watched as The Thing became more and more grotesque, making its way towards him. As it got right up to him, it raised a hoof like appendage up towards Anon’s face, touching his nose lightly.

“Boop!” Suddenly, the mass of flesh converged in on itself, and took the form of the pony it consumed moments prier. “Ha, gotcha, didn’t I?”

“... W-what?” Anon was barely able to mutter.

“Oh, come on, you thought I was gonna assimilate you. Don’t you lie to me, Anon dear.” She trotted up next to him, twisting her body like a snake around him. “No need to be so serious, why would I hurt you? You’re my darling!”

Anon could not speak. His mind was going a million miles a minute to analyse the situation. Though, a few words did come along to describe the situation he found himself in. “What… the fuck?”

The Thing twisted itself back into a regular looking pony, though she kept that same sinister smile from before. “From the information I got from assimilating with that pony, I know that there should be a party for you going on soon. Best be going, right?”

Before he could utter a reply, he was snagged by a tentacle, dragging him out the house, and across the town of Ponyville. This was going to be a very, very, long day.

When It's Time To Party We Will Party Hard

Anon and The Thing were upon Sugarcube Corner; just a few more steps and they would be at the sweet shop’s doorstep. As much as Anon would have loved to be surprised by Pinkie, with The Thing next to him, the experience was ruined beyond repair.

Though, that did make him wonder. Why in the world is she - is it a she? Well, whatever it is - why is it acting so nice towards me? Wasn’t The Thing some sort of alien without a care for life, other than it needed it to survive?

Before Anon could answer his own thought, he was caught off by the Thing saying, “Are you excited, Anon?”

“Yeah, sure…”

“I know I’m excited. Hey, think there'd be any tasty ponies I could assimilate after the party? I know they wouldn’t be expecting that after having such a good time, so that seems like the perfect time to strike, right?”

Anon gulped.

“Ah, whatever. Let’s just head inside.”

As The Thing opened up the door, using her mouth instead of some tentacle, fleshy thing, like she had been doing prior. Inside was too dark to see anything, making it all too obvious, even without prior confirmation from The Thing, that Pinkie had gotten together a welcome party for Anon.

As both Anon and the pony imitation made their way inside, the lights quickly turned on, at least thirty or so ponies standing together in front of them.

“SURPRISE!” They all shouted in unison, making Anon flinch from the sheer force of it.

Scanning the room to see who was there, Anon happened upon a banner above the ponies heads. “Welcome to Ponyville Mr. Horror, Oh The Horror” It said in bold letters. Anon then looked over towards Lily Valley, glaring into her very being, as he knew she had something to do with that ridiculous title. He sighed, just letting himself relax for a moment. That, however, didn’t last long as a familiar pony in pink promptly pounced on him with her enthusiastic personality.

“Welcome to Ponyville Mr.-” She took a deep breath, “Horror, Oh The Horror!” She then smiled intensely, before turning to his companion. Any joy he had from Pinkie talking to him was swiftly dashed away as he was expecting something truly horrible to happen.

She’s going to eat Pinkie, she’s going to merge with her, defile her, and destroy this one bastion of hope I had for a good day. Anon covered his eyes. I can’t watch!

“Oh, Amber Rose, there you are. I was wondering where you ran off to. I see you already met Mr. Horror, Oh The Horror!” She gasped “Oh my gosh, are you two already besties? This is so exciting. I should also throw a, ‘happy first pony bestie party’, as well.”

“Yeah, that sounds great, but his name is Anon, Pinkie.” She looked up towards Anon, taking note of his grimacing expression between the fingers covering his face. “I have a feeling he doesn’t like being called something so dramatic.” She laughed a little, making her way over to a table filled to the brim with sweets of every kind. She looked back, “Come on Anon, let’s get this party started!”

“You said it, girl!” Pinkie shouted back, grabbing hold of Anon and flinging him over towards The Thing’s, now going by Amber Rose, side.

Anon uncovered his face, though the cringe was still strong with his features, and not the ironically good kind. He tried to keep his eyes on Amber, hoping to every god above that she wouldn’t go monstrous alien mode and devour everypony in the room. So far, she seemed to be acting like any other pony, even eating a cupcake, and smiling up at Anon.

Anon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, averting his to eyes to other ponies around him. They all just stared at him in awe, boosting his ego just a bit. It felt good to be ogled at, at least that was what he thought was going on and chose to believe it. The alternative was just too sad.

“Hey, Anon! You gotta try these cupcakes, they’re amazing.” Amber munched down a few more of the sweets, throwing Anon for a loop.

How is she… Maybe she’s just storing it in there to spit out later.

Anon hesitantly reached over to grab one of the cupcakes, only for his hand to brush against a familiar cyan hoof. Looking up, he was greeted by a uncharacteristic sheepish grin from Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, hi there. Fancy meeting you again,” Rainbow spoke, before rubbing the back of her neck and laughing nervously. “Glad to see you alive, Horror, Oh The Horror.”

“It’s Anon, ignore the banner up there.” He then glared daggers into her, “Wait a minute, you fucking dropped me out of nowhere last time we met.”

Rainbow glared back, “Well, you’re the one who’d thought it’d be a good idea to sniff me while I was saving your ass.” She turned away, huffing in annoyance.

Tsundere as shit. Anon thought, a bit of a blush forming on his face as he remembered her scent. Worth it.

Suddenly, an eerie feeling spread throughout Anon. It was like the whole room went quiet, the only thing there being him… and whatever was behind him. Turning around slowly, he saw the blank expression of the Thing, though it was enough to let him know something was off with her.

She closed her eyes, and when they opened they were deformed, slitted like a cat’s. “So, Anon dear, mind if I have a word with you.” A few eyes appeared on her shoulders, her form slowly taking that of something unsightly.

Anon was speechless. To him, this was it, this is where he’d meet his end. He looked left, then right, noticing that he indeed was not alone. The feeling of isolation only caused by the monstrosity before him.

“And don’t even think about alerting everypony here about what I am. Unless you’d like to be a part of me.”

His hands were tied, and he had no other choice. Either risk everypony in the room getting assimilated, or just him. A sort of sense of heroism washed over him; if he were to go through with this, it would be his self-sacrifice for all the characters he’s grown to love.

His mind was made.

Anon nodded his head, making his way over to the Thing, who turned and made her way over to the otherside of the room. Looking back over his shoulder, he noticed how everypony was just having a good time like nothing of any significance was going on at all, no longer paying him any bit of attention. The ego boost he got early was taken from him, and the hole it left was filled with the same feeling of self-loathing he usual had.

When he turned back around, he was greeted with the Thing right up next to his face, her breath washing over him. “Oh, sugar honey iced tea!” He fell back on his ass, sweat pouring down his face as fear began to consume him whole.

“So, you wanna tell me why you were flirting with that hussy?” A tentacle began to wrap around Anon’s waist. “I saw the way you two were looking at each other. You like her, don’t you? Well, if you like her so much, I could always just assimilate her, so I can be her just for you.” It was dead silent around them for a moment. “Am I not good enough for you, Anon? I love you, but do you love me?”

Anon did not know what to do: on one hand, this creature just told him she loved him, on the other hand, holy shit this is fucking scary. “Umm?” Anon had to choose his words carefully, “You… love me?”

Amber Rose looked hurt, some tears dripping from her eyes.

Mission failed.

Amber then let out more of her feelings for Anon. “Of course I do, why else wouldn’t I assimilate you earlier today?

Wait, as much as this actually touches me, she’s a killing machine! She’s probably playing with you in order to get more prey. Then again… Anon turned to look at all the ponies in the room, spotting multiple different ponies he recognized from the show he admired and loved. Perhaps if I play along with this, she’ll leave all of them alone? Shit, what have I gotten myself into this time?

Anon took a deep breath, felt down to his crotch to see if his balls were still there, was disappointed, but would have to roll with it. He then took a few steps closer to the Thing, gulping down his fear in order to stay sane. “Look, not going to lie, I do have some feelings for you too, but I’m going to have to ask you to trust me here.” He lied, like a dirty little liar. “Could you please leave everypony else alone? I know I’m asking a lot, but if this thing between us is going to work out, and I want it to, then I’m going to have to trust that you won’t assimilate any other pony here.”

The Thing reverted back to Amber Rose’s form, hooves covering her gasp. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” She squealed like a little filly, making Anon cover his ears. “Oh my gosh, of course I’ll control my urge to assimilate others for you, Anon. All you had to do is ask.” She then did a little dance. “Yes, Anon likes me, too.”

Anon had no idea how he was holding himself together, but he had to keep his cool in order to protect the things he truly loved. He was actually quite proud of himself just then; he finally felt like a man for once in his life. With newfound confidence, he began to speak again. “Alright, let's get back to the part-AAAAAAAAH” He was suddenly grabbed by the Thing, and flung onto the dance floor that was in the middle of the room.

Anon rammed into a random pony as he reached the dance floor. The poor mare flying across the room, landing inside the punch bowl. Though, she didn’t seem to mind so much, in fact it went well with her fur color and mane.

Anon shook his head to get ahold of his bearings, taking note of Amber shaking her groove thing in front of him.

“Oh yeah, Amber. You know what’s going on!” Pinkie joined in on the dance, making everypony on the floor move out of the way out in awe. Amber’s and Pinkie’s dance power was off the charts, shaking and a moving and a groovin’ and a rockin’ everywhere.

Pinkie pulled a remote from her mane, pressing the one big red button in the center of it.

SCREEEEEEE!

An opening in the ceiling appeared, a disco ball slowly descending down from it. Anon couldn’t help but comment aloud. “Holy shit, where in the world was she hiding that? Ah, fuck it, it’s Pinkie.”

Amber grabbed ahold of Anon again, this time she brought him closer to the center of the room, moving him back and forth. “Come on, Anon. You said it yourself, let's enjoy the party, and that means you need to dance till you can’t dance no more.”

“You said it,” Pinkie agreed.

Anon thought to himself. When all else fails, you just got to use the fuck it adjustment.

Anon raised his hands in the air, and it is said he did not care. His wiggly bits jiggling and sending everypony there into a frenzy, especially Amber. She began to mimic his movements, both of them in unison as they blasted everypony back with their sheer powers of dance and flow.

Anon shed a single tear, looking up to the heavens. “I did it, Dad. I’m finally one of the cool kids.” Wiping away the waterworks, he jumped into the air as he noticed Amber shifting slightly under her skin.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Anon looked around to see if anypony else had noticed, to his luck, they were way too into the groove of things to pay the Thing any mind. Luck seemed to be on his side, but he had to act fast.

Crack! Crack! Crack!

Anon then noticed how the Thing’s bones were beginning to break, and move out of place. He had no more time to think, he had to do something now, or else face the consequences. Running to the food and refreshments table, he finally got to do something he wanted all his life, and that was to rip off the cloth on a table without any of the stuff on top falling off. He then sprinted back to the Thing yelling, “FIRE! Everypony, run for your lives.”

Throwing the cloth over the Thing, he noticed how she no longer felt like she looked prier. In fact, she was dead still. Uh oh, that’s not good.

Suddenly, a sound unlike anything Anon had ever heard before roared from the Thing in his grasp. “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Get that fire away from meeeeeeee!” She then started running in circles, dragging Anon along with her.

“This is not what I imagined riding a horse for the first time would be like!” Anon then had an idea, “Wait, riding a horse, that’s it!” He grabbed ahold of Thing’s neck, turning it towards the door. “Hi ho, Amber. Away!”

Before anypony there got to know him, Anon was out the door faster than Bill Cosby’s career going down the drain, leaving everypony stunned, and unsure of what to do.

Author's Note

I stumbled across Thingpone a few days ago, and instantly fell in love like the weird asshole I am. I knew I had to write something about her, so I came up with this pile of pony trash for y'all to read.

Anyways, I'd appreciate nothing more than a comment telling me what I'm doing right, and what I'm doing to make you want to kill yourself. Toodles.

Let's Talk About Things

The wind rushed past Anon as he tried his damndest to control The Thing as she ran like it was the nineties. It did little to help though, and Anon was sitting atop of her like useless extra baggage.

“Okay, easy there, Amber.”

The Thing did not slow down, and instead trampled over a bunch of school foals crossing the street.

“I knew I should have played more Read Dead Redemption 2 before attempting this…” He lowered his head and sighed, before looking up to see a cart filled with an unknown substance was just before them.

“Seriously, Amber. Now’s the time to stop!”

The piece of cloth covering her head blew back enough for her to see properly. “Huh? What are you talking abou-AAAAAA!”

“Fuck me hard on the front yard!” Anon screamed midair as he and The Thing were launched into the cart, landing directly into the mushy, smelly substance on the back. Their legs poking out from it, twitching ever so slightly. After a moment to really take in the putrid smell, both Anon and The Thing picked themselves up, and sat upright.

Anon spat some of the stuff he was covered in out of his mouth. “God damn this tastes like shit… wait a minute, IT’S SHIT! AW SHIT!”

The Thing took a bite. “Eh, it ain’t so bad.”

Anon cringed so hard it threatened to make his face collapse in on itself to form a miniature black hole.

“What?” Amber asked.

Anon gave the ‘ok’ sign and replied, “Nothing, nothing at all.”

Anon all but collapsed trying to get himself out of the back of the cart. He picked himself up, brushing off as much of the muck that covered him as possible, and then turned to The Thing, who was enjoying herself quite thoroughly with her current meal. Anon took a deep breath before saying, “We need to talk about a few things, Amber.”

The Thing turned her attention away from her gloopy, smelly meal towards Anon. “And what might that be, darling?”

Okay, put on your big boy pants, and be a man about this. You have to put your foot down, and get everything straight.

“What I mean is that this is all going by so fast, and we haven’t even sat down to talk about all of this seriously. I mean, since the moment I’ve got here it’s been like one big, straight, narrow hallway I’ve been following with no detours.” Realizing he was rambling, Anon got back on track. “What I mean to say, is that we need a game plan, Amber. How are we gonna make it in this world, and how are we going to keep all of this under wraps so no one finds out our little secret about what you are.”

Wait, shit. That might make her upset with how I worded that. Brain! Think of something, quick!

“Not that there’s anything wrong with you, far from it, we just got to be careful with how we approach the world, is all.”

Good job, brain!

The look on The Thing’s face was indiscernible, and honestly it was starting to freak Anon the fuck out. Sweat began to fall down his brow, and whatever he had down below starting to shrivel up and die.

Welp, brain. I think we done goofed.

However, a smile began to develop on The Thing’s features. Not a sinister smile, but one of anticipation with a slight hint of deviousness. “You know, that does sound like a good idea. Maybe we could make our way into these ponies’ lives, and when they least expect it, take off with what they hold most dear. Wouldn’t that be great?”

“Uh.. uh…” Anon merely uttered.

“Since we’re integrating ourselves into this world, why not make the most of it? Live like royalty, and rob ponies blind. I think it’s a wonderful idea; thanks for bringing this up, darling.” She raised a hoof to her mouth, giggling like a school filly. Though, unlike most laughs from other ponies, this one was not contagious.

Anon curled up into a ball, hands wrapped firmly around his head, all the while muttering to himself. “Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

The Thing made her way up to Anon, peeking over his form to see his face almost hidden from view. “And you know what the best part is?”

“I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know…”

The Thing whispered in his ears. “The best part is that I made all of that up, and I’m more than happy to settle down here as long as I get to settle down with you, darling.”

It was so silent after she said that, that if there was anything to be heard, it would be considered too loud and disruptive.

The Thing coughed, trying to get a response from Anon. “You there, Anon? Hello, Equestria to Anon?”

Anon slowly raised himself off the ground, and looked directly into The Thing’s eyes. “Amber… the fuck?”

She shrugged her shoulders with a shit-eating grin. “I just couldn’t help myself, darling. You looked so desperate. You should have seen the look on your face.”

Anon, for the life of him, could barely hold in the will to smack a bitch up. He nearly died from an anxiety-induced heart attack, and here Amber is just having the time of her life. The only thing holding him back was knowing that if he did such a thing, he’d end up as just another poor, unfortunate victim of The Thing.

“So, have you had your fun, Amber? ‘Cause, boy, I can write a novel with how much fun I just had.”

“Pfft, yeah. Wait.” She laughed some more, this time audibly louder. “Okay, now I’m done.”

Anon took a deep breath. “So, what would you suggest our first action should be?”

“Hmm?” The Thing took a moment to think critically about the situation. “I guess the smart thing to do would be to head back home, or at least where Amber used to live, and try to blend in there as much as possible.”

Anon retorted, “But what about me? Sure, you can mesh well with the ponies here, looking like one and all, and already being established as one of the town folk, but I’m a fucking human being in a land of magical, talking horses!” Anon raised his head to the heavens in thought “Though, this is possibly the greatest fucking thing in the world, as well.”

Anon’s thoughts drifted towards daydreaming of what he’d do to his favorite ponies. Soon.

“Get a job for one, you lazy bum.” Amber suggested.

Anon reeled back in shock and disgust. “How dare you! I’ll have you know my mom is a very generous women, and supports my alternative lifestyle.”

“I bet she is, but where is she now, I might add?” Amber tilted her head forward and raised her eyebrows.

Anon raised a finger, mouth open, and then lowered his finger. “That’s, uh… that’s a good point, actually.” He then turned his head away. “I still resent your impudent comments on my life choices. How rude.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “Yeah, whatever, big guy. Let’s head on back to Amb-I mean my place and see where we go from there. Alright?”

Anon shrugged his shoulders. “Fair enough, I suppose.”

“Good, good.”

* * * *

As the unlikely couple made their way into the house of the once unassimilated pony, the smell of something burning made itself known.

“Oh, Celestia no! Amber left the oven on!” The Thing quickly made her way into the kitchen, Anon following shortly after. Inside the kitchen was a small fire coming from the oven, black smoke barely obscuring the intensity of it.

The Thing swiftly hid behind Anon. “Don’t just stand there, do something. Fire bad, make fire go away.”

“Why’s there always have to be something related to fire around here…” Anon looked towards the sink, and saw a towel dangling off a rack next to it. “That’ll do. Amber, stand back.” Anon grabbed hold of the towel, and went through the cloud of smoke to reach the over. Using the towel as protection from the heat, he opened the contraption up, and soon found himself falling back on his ass as the flames spewed out of the machine.

“We might want to get the fire department for this one.”

“But how? There’s no phones here!”

“Damn it all.” Anon then tried to pick a fight with the fire, using his towel to try and smother it. It helped a little, but not much. “Amber, I’m gonna need more towels, so could you please try and find some before we get cooked alive in here?”

Amber nodded her head, and made her way out of the room to try and find more towels. Anon, for the life of him, tried to calm the flames down. First by beating them with a towel, second by pleading to God, and third by curling up into a ball and accepting his fate.

Out of all the ways I could have died in this situation, this wasn’t even in the top ten. Thanks, Obama.

The sound of hoof steps knocked him out of his self-loathing state of mind. “Anon, I got all the towels I could, quick, grab them.”

Not wasting another moment, his fight or flight instinct kicked in and he decided another day was worth living, so he made his way over to Amber and grabbed as many towels as he could and started tossing them at the fire. After he covered most the flames in towels, he raised his last one in the air, the one he started with, and beat the ever living shit out of the flames, almost as hard as he beat his dick on lonely nights.

WHAM!

“And this is for the time you dropped my pants in front of all those girls!”

WHAM!

“And this is for stealing my lunch money!”

WHAM!

“And this one is for all the times you called me names!”

The Thing went up to Anon and rested a hoof on his shoulders, giving him a light shake. “Anon, Anon! The fire’s out, you don’t have to keep beating on the oven. I’m pretty sure you won by a knockout.”

Anon was breathing heavily, trying to refocus his mind. After a moment, he got up and said. “That’ll show you, Chad.”

“What was that all about, anyways?” Amber asked, head tilted in curiosity, almost like a puppy.

Anon flushed red. “Oh, just, uh… Well, just venting, I suppose. It’s not really that important. The important part is that the fire is out and that we all learned a valuable lesson. Don’t forget to bring a towel.” He slung his towel over his shoulder, chest puffed out in pride.

“Thing is, Anon. Now we got a mess to clean up.” She pointed a hoof towards the oven behind Anon. He turned around and noticed the black soot everywhere, and the half burnt towels lying haphazardly on the remains of the once functional oven.

“Do you really wanna clean that up right now? I mean, it’s a been a pretty long day, and I don’t know about you, but I’m beat.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “I suppose we could head up stairs for some shut eye. It is starting to get rather late, after all, darling. We can pick up the mess in the morning.”

Anon wiped the sweat from his brow, before throwing the towel in his hand onto the pile behind him. “Glad you can see to reason.”

“Come, follow me. The bedroom is just upstairs.” The Thing and Anon made their way out of the kitchen and into the living room before making their way upstairs. “It’s over here on the left.” She opened the door with a fleshy appendage that extended from her shoulder. “See, have a look.”

Anon peered inside and noticed that there was only one bed. “So, where exactly am I going to sleep? There seems to be only one bed.”

“With me, of course. We can share a bed. After all, you are my darling. Just don’t get any funny ideas, okay?” The Thing giggled, before making her way towards her bed. As she hopped up onto it, she gestured for Anon to join her. “Come on, let’s get all snuggled up.”

Anon gulped. This is not what I expected. He then remembered his duty to satisfy The Thing in order to keep all his favorite ponies from being assimilated. But the alternative to turning her down is just too costly.

“Alright, coming.” Anon said with a sheepish smile, barely holding back his fear of what will happen when he’s all snuggled up with The Thing. Who knows, she might just accidentally assimilate him. He just had to hope for the best.

He then took off his shirt, and pants, tossing them off to the side, considering they we still covered in the muck from before, and that he typically slept without them. It was more comfortable that way, to him at least.

Approaching the bed cautiously, his eyes began to wonder. In front of the bed was a mirror, and looking right back at him, other than himself, was The Thing. Problem was, she was looking an awful frisky, so much so that her eyes took on the shape of a goat’s, and that gaping orifices popped up all around her rear end.

When Anon turned his head back to Amber, she looked completely normal. Taking a deep breath, he sat down, and began to cover himself under the blankets. Just remember, this is for the ponies.

As he got himself all snug, and comfortable, he felt the warmth of The Thing brush up against, him, a long, slick tentacle running it’s way down his body. This was gonna be something he feared since he was a wee lad: a struggle snuggle.

“Whoa, there Amber. A bit touchy feely, aren’t you.”

“I thought you would have liked a mare’s touch, Anon.”

Sucking it up, he found the will to appease The Thing. He reached around her, and brought her into a close embrace. “Y-You know it!”

“EEEP” The Thing let out, her tentacle retracting back into her. For the better part of an hour, she was actually silent. Instead, her soft snores replaced her abrasive actions, and the delicate noise of her purring made itself apparent.

Looks like I’m out of the woods for now. Time to get some actual shut eye. Anon then looked down on the sleeping form of The Thing. She is awful cute like this, though.

For the first time that day, there was peace and tranquility.

Author's Note

The bit about the struggle snuggle was lifted from Little Big Pony's, The Cuddle Bandit Begins, where he told the same joke in a slightly different way. I figured it'd be funny here as well.

Also, it's been too long since I've last updated this story, let alone written anything. I hope the wait was worth it, despite me not thinking as much. I'll be sure bring more chapters as soon as I can with my busy schedule. Till then, I'll enjoy your thoughts on this chapter, including your gripes, gropes, and moans.

Alive And Well On The Jobless Voyage

Anon felt the warm rays of the sun upon his face as the light went through Amber’s bedroom window. He grumbled, and then tossed and turned in his sleep. He then felt an itch by his midsection, so reached down to itch it. It felt off, however, like touching something that instantly makes you want to back off and run the other direction.

“W-what the…” Anon mumbled tiredly. He then proceeded to sit upright, slowing uncovering the blankets wrapped around him. His eyes went wide. “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!”

The Thing shook her head. “What’s all the commotion?” She then looked down. “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!”

Anon jumped up out of his bed, The Thing stuck on his midsection. “HOW, WHY, PLEASE BE SHITTING ME!”

“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!”

They screamed some more, tossed and flailed their arms every which way, and even Anon began jumping up and down. “I thought you loved me…” Anon fell on his ass. “So why in the world are you doing this to me?”

Thingpone looked up to him pleadingly. “I didn’t mean to, I swear! Give me a moment, I’m gonna try and get us unfused.” The Thing’s body shifted, bones cracking, tendons ripping, all of it sending pain throughout Anon’s body.

“ARRRGH!” He screamed in pain.

“Please… just hold on for a moment longer.” As she ripped herself from his midsection, she plopped down to the floor, and Anon was left there, unscathed and looking as good as new. The Thing then jumped onto his lap, giving him a tight, constricting, hug. “I’m, so, so, sorry…” She put her head into his shoulder. “Please forgive me, darling.”

Anon was not a functional human being; this was not just his usual ability to be useless, this was an advanced level of uselessness.

“Anon, please, I’m worried…”

Despite being the first time Anon was ever inside a girl, Anon decided that he never wanted to be in one ever again. He then grabbed hold of The Thing, sat up, and set her back down on the bed. “I think I’ll go look for a job now.”

“B-but are you okay? Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry?” The Thing held her hooves up towards her chest and gave Anon the sweetest most adorable puppy dog eyes he’d ever seen.

He sighed. “Okay, forgiven. But I’m gonna go try and see what I can do to get a job around here, so I’ll be seeing you in a bit, Amber.” He waved her goodbye, The Thing looking a little more at ease, and made his way downstairs and out the door. Today was a start to a new day, and if the moments prior were any indication of how it would go, Anon knew that it was gonna be another eventful one like yesterday.

* * * *

Anon had never had a job before, be that his lack of skills, his self-loathing, or his overall demeanor contributing to that fact. Thus, he found it really hard to start looking for one, even worse, one in a world he knew only from a silly cartoon show in his own world.

Brain, do the thing!

There was silence.

Okay, real funny brain, I know you're in there

Yet more silence.

Fuck you, man.

Anon groaned in frustration, thinking back to the show he adored and what he could possibly do to get a job around Ponyville. There’s Sweet Apple Acres, for starters. He had memories of Applejack bucking apples, and then daydreamed of watching her from afar, taking note of her excellent figure and well positioned strikes. Now that is something I can get behind. I didn't even need a brain to figure this one out. Brains are overrated.

Anon raised his head high, a huge smarmy grin plastered over his face, and lewd thoughts filling his mind as he made his way down Ponyville’s central street. There were ponies staring him up, but he paid it no mind. If he was in any other state of mind, he might have taken notice of the attention he was receiving, but he was too caught up in the moment to care. He was gonna watch Applejack buck some apples, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really mattered to him. It was enough to make him forget about the whole job thing, and honestly, who really needs one anyway? Just a nice pair of succulent, juicy apples to sink your teeth into was what truly mattered in life. Anon knew that more than most.

Big Mac, prepare to meet your new rival. Applejack shall be mine!

As Anon let his ego grow more wild and unruly, fate decided it hadn’t screwed with him enough the last couple of days, and he found himself whisked from the streets and onto the side of a crystal castle. “YEOUCH!” The man yelped in pain. He then found himself being dragged up the structure, his skin digging ever so slightly into the crystal, making his body look like it was ready for a game of tic tac toe. Finally, fate had had enough fun with the guy, and let his body launch through a window and onto the cold hard ground that now lay below him.

A field of magical aura faded from around the man’s body, as a familiar purple alicorn made her way in front of him. Anon got up from the ground, shook his head, and brushed off his shirt and pants. He then winced at the pain from the wounds he had sustained moments prior, and let out another “Yeouch!”

“Here, let me help you with that.” Suddenly, Anon felt himself yet again surrounded by a field of magic, but this time he found his wounds slowly fading away, a warm, fuzzy feeling overtaking him. As they became nothing more than a few faint scars, the alicorn spoke once again. “There, that should make you as good as new.”

Anon’s eye twitched. “Wait, wait. Hold on just a second here.” Anon raised his hands in the air, and then slammed them down towards Twilight’s direction, shaking them wildy. “You mean to tell me you just yoinked me from the streets of Ponyville, to the side of your castle, and up into your.” He looked around. “What is this?”

“My bedroom.”

“Your bedroom, without even bothering to see if maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to be dragged along a castle against my will? And not only that, without first letting me give consent? That’s just uncool.”

“I mean, the consent is kinda dubious, if you ask me.” She then went derp eyed, before shaking her head to reconfigure her brain. “Wait, what am I talking about, I have something important to tell you.” She then grabbed Anon with her magic yet again, “Come, follow me!”

“Jesus, Twiggles. It’s not like I got a choice, do I?” Anon crossed his arms as he was carried out of the room, and down a flight of stairs. How emasculating. Though, this is Twilight fucking Sparkle carrying me, so I should be happier about this, right? He then thought back to his pain from before. No, she is now worst pony.

As Anon was carried out of the room, his head banged against the top part of the doorway, knocking him out cold. Twilight simply paid it no mind, and continued down the crystalline hallway until she came across another set of stairs. Being all too eager to get to her spiel for Anon, she jumped down the flight of stairs and glided to the ground below.

Rushing over to the castle’s library, she threw Anon over to a bean bag chair, his body landing perfectly onto its comfortable surface. Summoning the arcane abilities within her, Twilight took the water from the air and condensed it into a small ball. She then hovered it over Anon and dropped it upon him.

Anon jumped three feet into the air, much like a cat getting startled by an unsuspecting touch of someone’s hand. “Oh, Jesus fuck!” He shouted to the high heavens, before crashing back down to the bean bag below. It was now covered in water, and the worst part was that some of it dripped down to his socks, giving him the most uncomfortable feeling a man could possibly feel.

Anon’s face contorted into itself as he stared down at his once dry, and ultra soft footwear. “I can’t believe you done this.”

“I’ll help with that later, but right now we have to talk about that… thing.”

Anon was taken aback. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the fuck up. What are you talking about, Twiggles?”

Twilight groaned in frustration. “You know, that… thing.”

Anon felt his heart start to sink. How could she possibly know about Amber? Anon rolled over his memories of yesterday’s party. Nope, I don’t believe Starbutt was there, so how could she possibly know about her? Hmm? Brain, think of something to get her to open up.

“And what could you possibly know about extraterrestrial, shape-shifting, unsightly beasts?” Anon raised a brow before realizing what he said, slapping himself upside the head.

No, brain! I meant for that to be subtle!

Twilight’s muzzle scrunched up in confusion. “What are you even talking about?” She sighed. “Nevermind, what I’m trying to say is that what do you know about the mysterious, unexplained, magical anomaly that has appeared above Ponyville yesterday?” She began to march up towards the man. “I know you just recently got here yesterday, and I’ve never seen anything like you, so that makes you a prime suspect for this case. So, tell me what you know about this anomaly for…” She channeled her magic and brought in front of her a quill and notebook. “SCIENCE!”

Anon stood up tall and raised a finger, mouth open wide, but then he lowered his finger and shut his mouth as he realized he had no idea how to answer Twilight’s question. He sat back down and raised a hand to his chin, pondering over what he was gonna say next.

POOF!

Anon heard something appear to his left, and to his surprise, there was a little angel version of himself on his shoulder.

“You should tell her the truth, Anon. The sooner you tell her the truth, the sooner you two can work together to get rid of that abomination and move on with your life with these magical, colorful ponies.”

POOF!

Anon then heard something appear to his right, and as he suspected, there was now a devil version of himself standing on his right shoulder.

“Don’t listen to that guy, he showers naked. Listen to me, what you want to do is tell Twilight that the magical anomaly above is made by yours truly, and if she doesn’t do what you say, you will use it to unleash armageddon upon the world. It’s a win for you buddy, because you will become the overlord of ponykind!”

Anon turned his head left and right over and over, confusing the ever loving fuck out of Twilight. He then sighed before giving a response. “Look, I just want to get a job at Sweet Apple Acres, this shit is getting too whack for me.”

The angel chimed in. “Just imagine how much time you’ll have with Applejack when The Thing is out of the picture.”

Anon replied instantly. “You do have a point, but what if Twilight is unable to actually kill The Thing with her pony pals?”

The devil version of Anon then found himself saying, “And that’s why you need to take advantage of her lack of information, and bang both her and The Thing. I know she’s a creepy mother fucker, but imagine all of your kinks being made into reality.”

“That does sound nice.” Anon put a hand to his chin, considering his options.

Twilight conjourned a flyswatter with her magic, and used it to slap Anon silly. “What in Equestria is wrong with you!?” She then slapped the top of his head one last time for good measure. “Would you please pay answer my question, so we can move onto the more important experiments already.”

Anon got up from his chair and stomped towards the alicorn with blood boiling, and flames in his eyes. “Would you stop interrupting me when I’m having a conversation! Look, that shit up in the sky is something I know as little about as you do, and if you want to fuck with it, be my guest, but I just want a job so I can support myself, and my so called marefriend, no matter how batshit insane she is.”

Anon leered over the mare, showing her just how much bigger he was compared to her. Twilight shriveled up on the inside, slowly backing up to try and get some distance from her and the irate man.

“U-ummmm…” Twilight let out. “I-if you c-come work with me on s-solving this mystery, I’ll pay you a decent wage.”

Anon stopped his approach and stood as still as a telephone pole. His brain acted like the electric wires as his neural circuits were working in overdrive to fully comprehend the implications of going to work for Twilight Sparkle.

They both stared at each other from awkwardly before Twilight broke the silence. “You said you needed a job, and I’m offering one to you as my assistant, so are you gonna take it or not?”

As his gears started to turn, and his fantasies of being Twilight’s test subject came to mind, he all but lunged at the mare, shaking her hoof with all the fury of a thousand angry badgers. “Well, why didn’t you say so before? When do we start work, boss?”

Twilight shook her head to clear her mind of all the nagging details of how absurd her situation was. “Well, I didn’t exactly plan this through, which is surprising for me, and I just needed to ask you about the anomaly in the sky, so I say come back sometime tomorrow and I should have something set up for us.”

“Sounds good to me.” Anon turned around, head held high. “And I thought this was gonna be difficult; this is gonna be the easiest money made in history. I didn’t even need those angel and devil me’s to figure this one out.”

Anon continued onward until he found his way out the door and back to the streets of Ponyville. Now to return with the good news, and see if there’s anything I need to fix and or break at home.

* * * *

Anon opened the door to his new shared home, entering to see the place sparkling clean. “Huh?” He went to the kitchen to see if the fire marks and towels were still there, and to his surprise there was none and a new oven had been installed. “Okay then.”

He turned around to be greeted by a mass of flesh and gore, a pony skull with its facial skin slowly being peeled back right up and close to his face. “Oh, sweet baby Jesus!” Anon screamed, falling on his ass and bumping his head on the kitchen drawer. He rubbed the back of his head before looking back up at the monstrosity before him.

The fleshy beast converged in on itself to form the image of Amber Rose. “Oh, sorry Anon. I just wanted to give you a bit of a scare. Are you alright?”

“My head? Yes. My sanity? No.” Anon got up, grumbling lightly under his breath. “Besides that, what I believe to be a prank, you just pulled on me, you’ve done a real good job here. You even got a new oven. Where in the world did you get the money for that?”

Amber gave a smug grin. “Turns out Amber here had savings hidden away under the mattress. It must have been for something she wanted to do in the future, but since she is no longer with us, I figured I use it for myself, and to get this place back in working order.”

Anon ignored the part about an innocent pony’s demise, and subsequent thievery of her bits, and continued on with his questions. “Besides that, you do anything else today?”

“I went to town and did some grocery shopping, and got to talk with more of the townsfolk. Ya know, make connections and such. We’re gonna need that to make it around here and blend in. But what about you? You get that job you were looking for?”

Anon beamed brighter than the sun. “Boy, did I. Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship herself, is in need of an assistant. You know how we got here from some anomaly in the sky after falling off that cliff?”

Amber raised a brow. “Yeah?”

“Well, we’re gonna be studying that to figure out what it is, and if it is any danger to Equestria. So I get to spend time with the princess and get paid, so that is fucking great.”

The Thing frowned. “Yeah, must be great. But what about spending time with me, Anon? We are a pair, after all, so we have to be plotting the most important bits of our lives together.”

Anon sensed her getting a bit jealous, and remembering the last time this happened, he knew exactly how to rectify the situation. “Of course we are, Amber. I was about to ask if you’d want to go out to dinner tonight. You still got some bits leftover, right?”

The Thing squeed like a little school filly. “Oh my gosh, Anon. I can’t wait, of course I got some bits leftover, quite a bit actually.” She rubbed up next to the man, a few stray tentacles wrapping around Anon’s figure. “We shouldn’t keep the town waiting, now should we?”

Anon shrugged his shoulders while letting out a sigh. “I guess not.” He patted The Thing on the head, making her squee yet again. “Come on, let's get going. I’m famished.”

Author's Note

And yet another chapter is complete. Sorry for a slow update. I blame work, Resident Evil 2, and Kingdom Hearts III for keeping me from reaching my fastest possible writing speed. Though, if that means my slow pace is increasing my quality, then I consider that a fair trade.

I hope you all enjoy, and I especially hope you like the whole angel and devil Anon dynamic. I thought of it at work after remembering one of my favorite movies, "The Emperor's New Groove," in which the character Kronk has to deal with his angel and devil versions. Have a link below for reference:

Expect to see them more as a sort of running gag. I love them immensely.

The Hunger Games

The sun sat low in the sky, a dazzling display of oranges and reds casting across the horizon as it reached its final threshold before dipping below eyesight. Anon, however, was too busy trying to ignore The Thing rubbing up against him as they walked around town to find a good place to have dinner.

He groaned, his stomach agreeing as it let out its finest imitation of a whale’s mating call. It got a giggle out of The Thing, and a frustrated ‘harumph’ from Anon. “I remember how happy I was to finally be here in Equestria.” He looked every which way, not a decent eatery in sight. “But now I just want a Pizza Hut, or Taco Bell to get some cheap shit to eat.”

“I know a pretty good place we could go,” said Amber.

Anon stopped in his tracks, turning to the extraterrestrial with the biggest sour puss he could possibly muster. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I know a place we could get a bite to eat. It’s like I just got done saying that, or something.”

Anon’s eye twitched. “You mean to tell me that you knew this whole time while we wondered around this hamlet, that there was a good place to get a bite to eat, the whole reason why we left the house in the first place, and you never thought for a second to let me know?”

“Well,” The Thing rubbed up against the man’s leg. “It was nice spending some time together, walking around town after you were gone most of the day.

Anon shouted at her, “We could have been spending time eating and enjoying ourselves until we popped from the sheer amount of junk we’d shove down our throats, but instead it was more important to walk around aimlessly, because it would be nice to have quality time while my stomach is trying to tell me to feed it or go kill myself?”

“When you put it that way, it does sound rather pointless.”

“That’s because it is.” Anon turned around, giving The Thing the cold shoulder. He then relaxed himself and sighed. “But where is this place, for the love of god, I need food.”

The Thing clopped her hooves together and said, “The Prancing Pony! The place opened up not too long ago in the south end of Ponyville. Amber used to frequent there before, ya know…”

Anon shook the thought from his mind once again, yet he somehow knew that it was gonna stay there to haunt him for the rest of his days. “Cute name aside, if they serve good food, or even passable at this point, then I’m game.” Anon’s stomach grumbled aloud yet again, to which The Thing giggled herself senseless. “Let’s just get this show on the road already, before my stomach eats itself.”

* * * *

Up above Anon was the bold, neon words saying ‘The Prancing Pony.’ The restaurant was in the style of a nineteen-fifties diner, though with a few key differences. For one, it was a lot bigger, and seemed to be shaped less cylindrical and more square like a traditional building. There was also what appeared to be a studio apartment above the establishment, the window’s blinds shut in a feeble attempt to keep out the outside world. Anon gazed upon that sad image and said, “Same.”

“So, are we just gonna stand here and admire the place, or are we gonna head inside like normal ponies? Creatures… things?” Thingpone questioned, nudging Anon slightly to attract his attention.

Anon replied by walking into the establishment, greeted by the intoxicating aroma of fried, delicious goodness. “Fuck yeah.” He took note of a sign off to the side saying ‘Please wait to be seated.’ He also noticed the bench right next to it, and since he’d been walking for a short while, he figured he’d take a quick break while he waited for his waiter.

The Thing followed suit, sitting right next to him, edging herself closer to him each time he turned his eyes away from her. “I hope we don’t have to wait here too lo-” before she could finish her sentence, she was cut off by a pony dressed in work attire stepping in front of them with a big ol’ grin on her face.

“Hello! Welcome to The Prancing Pony, please follow me as I get you seated.” She guided them along to the far end of the restaurant, “So, do you want a table or booth?”

“We’ll take a booth,” The Thing said automatically.

“Booth it is then.” The waiter replied just as quickly.

Anon leaned over to The Thing, “You didn’t even let me have a say in this, Amber.”

“Pfft. As if you had a choice, Anon.” She gave him a smarmy grin before turning towards their booth seating. “Thanks, this looks nice.”

“Thank you very much!” The waiter then set down two menus on the table. “I’ll be back shortly to take your order. Is there any appetizers or drinks I can fetch for you, though?”

As Anon and The Thing took their seats, Anon replied to the waiter’s question. “Yeah, do you guys have any type of lemonade?”

“Yeah, we have regular and pink lemonade.”

“I’ll take a pink lemonade.” Anon turned his attention to The Thing, “And what about you?”

“I’ll have what he’s having.” She gave him a coy smile.

The waiter then said, “Alright, all be right back with your drinks, and if you’ve figured out what you want from the menu, I’ll also take note of that.” She then wandered off to the other side of the restaurant to fetch their drinks.

“You know Anon~” Thingpone spoke. “This is sort of like our first date, don't cha think?”

Anon flushed red, “If you say so.” He tried not to think about being romantic with the abomination, and instead reminded himself of why he’s entertaining her in the first place. Do it for the ponies, Anon. Do it for the ponies. His stomach growled, which prompted him to open up his menu. And do it for the good eats.

Anon’s features gradually went from a beaming smile, to an exaggerated frown. “What is this?” He turned the menu towards The Thing.

The Thing put her own menu down to peer at what Anon was showing her. “That’s a hayburger with extra hay and The Prancing Pony’s special sauce.” She stated matter of factly.

“Disgusting, and repulsive excuse for food is more like it. Where is the meat?” He scrolled through the menu some more. “I need a pony Arby’s right about now.” He found a salad that included some slices of a boiled egg, which was close enough on the edible scale for him to consider getting. “This’ll have to do for now, but I’m going back into the kitchen to give a few ‘criticisms’ to the menu after we’re done.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “Whatever floats your boat, ya big doofus.” She set her menu down as well, having decided on what she wanted. She then leaned forward, both elbows planted squarely on the table. “So, is there anything you’d like to talk about, Anon. Anything sweet you’d like to say, or should I start?” She batted her eyelids, trying to seem as sexy as possible.

It wasn’t very effective.

Anon shrugged his shoulders. “Not much, really. Still stoked on working with Twiggles, but other than that, I just want the waiter to get back so we can or-” As if on cue, the waiter returned as if from nowhere.

“So, has the lovely couple decided on what they’ll be having this evening?”

“Actually, we’re not a cou-” Anon tried to stammer out, but was again cut off, this time by his supposed marefriend.

“He’ll be having the cobb salad with extra ranch on top, and I’ll again have what he’s having.” She wiggled her eyebrows sporadically.

“Great, I’ll be back in a jiffy.” She pointed her hoof at them in a lackadaisical manner. “Don’t you go anywhere.”

Anon watched her suanter off before turning to Thingpone. “So, do I get a say in anything today?”

“Depends, Anon. Do you have anything to say.” She winked and then wiggled her eyebrows again and again.

“Is this the part where you want me to confess my undying love for you, and proclaim you the most wonderful and beautiful mare in all of Equestria?” Anon dramaticized, flailing his arms to add emphasis on each and every complimentary word.

The Thing frowned. “It’d at least help, yeah.” She turned her gaze off into the distance, clearly hurt by Anon’s sarcasm.

Anon sighed, knowing that he was pushing his boundaries, plus the fact he had no idea how she’d act if she were to be too upset. “Hey, you know I’m just messing with you. I enjoy your company.” Anon thought of the perfect way to cheer her up. “Would it helped if I said I thought you were cute?”

She slowly turned towards Anon, her pupils wide and her mouth forming one of the most genuine smiles Anon ever laid his eyes upon. “It’s a start.”

Anon’s heart hnnnged from the diabetes inducing cuteness in front of him. Okay, maybe she can be adorable for an abomination to ponykind. Maybe.

They sat there waiting for their food to arrive, but as the minutes dragged on and time become but a meager concept of when they’d be allowed to finally gorge themselves, it become quite apparent that they were most likely going to starve or die of old age before their food arrived.

Anon twirled his hand in a questioning manner. “Soooooooo. Do you think they’re actually doing anything in the kitchen, or has the chief suddenly combust into flames and and can’t get up?”

“I hope not, I’m starved.” That’s when The Thing got a brilliant idea, a wonderful, extraordinary idea. “Say, I’ll go see what’s taking them so long, and you wait right here. I’ll be right back.”

“Please do. I’m questioning eating the table at this point.”

With that said, The Thing got up from her seat, and headed down towards the restaurant’s kitchen, taking note of all the other ponies who were eating. It made her envious and annoyed, all the more reason for her to act on the plan she had set forth.

* * * *

When The Thing neared the counter, to which the kitchen door was behind, she knew she had to surreptitiously slip by unnoticed. She looked back and forth to make sure nopony was watching her, and then lowered herself to the ground, extending her lower half under the sliding door that blocked off the rest of the room from behind the counter.

She made a slit appear on her rear end, slowly opening to reveal an eyeball for her to see with. She saw the door to the kitchen, and then hid herself next to a nearby box, waiting for her moment to strike.

After a moment the door creaked open, revealing the waiter pony carrying various dishes on her back. As she exited from the kitchen and made her way out towards the dining area, The Thing extended a trendral to catch the door from closing. Looking both ways again, she took note of nopony looking her general direction, and swiftly narrowed her front half back to her rear, reforming her normal appearance. She then entered the kitchen, a huge grin plastered on her face.

Once inside, she stood up, seeing three cooks hard at work preparing everypony's food. “Good evening boys and girls.”

The three cooks, two mares, one stallion, turned to The Thing. As soon as they saw her, their overworked, frustrated faces turned even more sour. One of the mares was about to speak, but was interrupted.

“No. No talking.” The Thing brought a hoof to her lips, which started to tear at the edges, forming an unhinged jaw full of razor sharp teeth. “I WAS GETTING RATHER HUNGRY WAITING OUT THERE”

Before they could scream, The Thing launched three tendrils out from her body, all of which connecting with their mouths. She slowly began to walk towards them, licking her lips. “MMMMM, DELICIOUS, BUT NOT WHAT ANON WANTS.”

She stood in front of the male cook, of which looked the oldest and most experienced. “I TAKE IT THAT YOU ARE THE HEAD CHEF?” He no longer had a mouth, and thus could not scream. The Thing took his tears as a form of confirmation. “GOOOOOOOD.” She put her hooves around him, and began to merge with him, his form sinking into her. After a moment, he was completely assimilated, his knowledge of the culinary arts included.

The Thing reformed her mouth to its original state, and turned to the other to chefs. “I’ll be taking this.” She used a tendrial to grab on of their hats and aprons, of which she put atop her head and wrapped around her body to the best of her ability.

“Now to prepare my darling his wonderful surprise.” She giggled into her hooves, noticing the struggles from the rooms other occupants. “Oh, quiet guys. Don’t you know you’re dying for the greater good?”

* * * *

Anon twiddled his thumbs, feeling the ever growing void within his stomach grow emptier and emptier. Soon he was sure it would reach a point where it’ll collapse in on itself, shrinking to such a minuscule size that a black hole would form and consume the entire world with its unending hunger.

Deciding that he’d rather not let that happen, he got up from his seat and headed towards the main counter in pursuit of The Thing. “What in the world is the hold up? I swear, this is getting a one star rating on pony Yelp.”

When he made it to the counter, he raised his brow in bewilderment. “Really, nobody here? This is seriously the worst service I’ve ever had. And just where in the world has Amber gone off to?”

I wonder if they left behind any clues?

Looking both ways, he saw that most ponies who’d been at the restaurant prior had left to continue on with their daily business. “I guess no one will be upset if I stepped behind the counter, now would they?” He then proceeded to get behind the counter looking to and fro for any signs of the waiter and Thingpone.

That’s when he heard a strange noise come from the kitchen behind him. He turned around and noticed that the door was slightly open. “Hmmmm, pretty suspicious.” He grabbed the door and opened it, revealing to him a rather familiar looking pony wearing an adorable chef outfit. “Excuse me, miss. Have you seen a mare with a rust colored coat around here? Looks kinda like yours—wait a minute!”

Turning her head around in an abnormal way, The Thing greeted Anon with a smile. “Oh, shoot. You ruined the surprise.” She added a few more spices to the dish she was cooking. “Since they were taking so long, I thought to myself. Gee, I bet Anon is getting rather upset, lets see if I can help with this. While I was here, I knew that I could do a better job, and so I did. I even have all the knowledge I need to make sure this is the best dinner you could ever imagine!” She squealed in excitement, before going back to her work in progress.

Anon was dumbfounded, and had no idea what he was going to do in this situation. As he was frozen in time, he took notice of the mare connected to The Thing via one of her tendrials as it was ever so slightly making her way towards The Thing to being fully consumed within her being.

Oh dear pony Jesus…

POOF

Anon turned his attention to his right shoulder, his angle self appearing before him. “Really, bud? Are you just gonna sit here and stare as that poor innocent pony is devoured by that hideous monstrosity?”

POOF

“Now wait a minute big guy, you’ve been waiting all evening for something to eat. Are you just gonna let this opportunity escape you by doing something rash like he’s suggesting over there?”

Anon took another look at the pony currently being assimilated. “I don’t know. I know she didn’t do anything to deserve this, but at the same time I’m hungry, and I don’t even know who she is.”

“Really Anon!” His angel shoulder yelled at him. “Does it really matter if you knew her or not? This is inhuman, you have to do something!”

“Hey, listen toga dude, Anon her only wants to protect the ponies he loves from his favorite TV show from being assimilated. So what if a few background characters get absorbed, they weren’t important enough for the show, so they’re not important enough for Anon.”

Anon thought over what his devil self just said, and turned back to his angel self. “He does have a point, I bet I’d forget about her in about a week’s time, tops.”

“Hey, when your time comes, don’t come crying to me when the water gets hot down under.”

Anon sighed. “Okay, guys. You can go now, I’ve made up my mind.”

“If you say so.” They both said in unison before poofing out of existence.

Anon walked up behind the pony being assimilated and gave her a push into The Thing. “Let me just help you with this.” As the innocent pony’s last remaining eyeball stared back at Anon, he found himself saying. “Sorry about this, but I’m fucking starved like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Thanks, Darling. She was a pain… in the rear.” She gave Anon the most shit eating grin she could muster.

“Oh hardy har, you’re so funny.” Anon then rubbed the back of his head. “So, exactly how are we gonna get out of this predicament without alerting anyone? Cause we’re down what I’m going to assume is a couple chefs—”

“A few.”

“A few chefs, and the waiter could be in here any second to find out what’s happened, and honestly I’m a bit worried right now, and I don’t know what’s weaker: my stomach from lack of food, or my will to live.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.” The Thing rolled her eyes. “Besides, I’m almost done with our dinner.”

“Thing, Amber…” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Please, for the love of Equestria and God’s green earth, can you please stop this for just a moment and acknowledge that this might have been a bad idea?”

“But I did this for you, Anon.” She gave him her biggest puppy dog eyes.

Ouch…

Anon sighed even harder. “I know, I know. But we really need to get out of her before anyone shows up. Please, for me?”

“But what about your dinner, Anon? I know you’re famished.”

“I am, but I got another place in mind. Besides, with these newly acquired assets you’ve got, we can now have restaurant quality food every night for the rest of our lives.”

Please, for fucks sake, just agree to get the fuck out of here before shit goes down.

The Thing, surprisingly enough, wrapped a hoof around Anon and nuzzled his cheek. “Alright, fine. You’ve made your point. You aren’t upset with me, are you?”

“Do you really think I would have shoved that innocent mare inside you if I was upset with you?”

The Thing laughed. “Point taken.” She looked around the kitchen. “So, where do we make a grand getaway?

Anon too looked around, finding a window on the opposite side of the room. “I have an idea.”

* * * *

Suddenly, both Anon and The Thing jumped out of the kitchen window. “Run like hell!” Anon screamed at the top of his lungs, to which nearby ponies looked on with confusion. Anon heaved, the pace he was running the most physical strain he put on himself in a long time.

“Just where are we running to, darling?”

“The fuck away from here, that’s where.” As they turned the corner, they were greeted with the main street of Ponyville. “Quick!” Anon said. “This way!” Anon sprinted down main street, ramming the ponies in his way like a professional football player as he locked on to the target he was aiming for. “I got you in my sights.”

The door to Sugarcube Corner was knocked open at mach twelve as Anon and The Thing barged into the sweet shop with unbridled determination. “Pinkie, quick! We need banana bread!”

Anon grabbed hold of The Thing and tossed her off to the table on his left. “Yeet!”

The Thing yelped in surprise, as she landed perfectly onto her chair. “A little warning first, Anon?”

Anon sat down across from The Thing. “No. No Warnings. Only banana bread.”

Pinkie Pie strolled up to Anon and The Thing, a tray full of banana bread on her back. “Her you are, Mr. Anon sir. Is there anything else you’d like?”

Anon answered her by shoving the banana bread before him into his mouth, gorging himself into a state of pure potassium and sugar.

The Thing giggled. “Well, at least the hunger issue is solved.” She the reminisced to the dish she was preparing for Anon. “I still would have prefered you’d eat what I was making you, but this bread does look delicious, so oh well.” She then began to dig in as well, savoring the delectable taste as heaven found its way into her mouth. She swallowed. “Okay, Anon. This really is good.”

Anon looked to her, grinning with bits of banana bread stuck in his teeth.

Thingpone just rolled her eyes.

Author's Note

Another long wait before this update, but shit happens, but at least it's being worked on. That said, I came up for the idea of this chapter while eating banana bread at work, and It might just be my favorite chapter so far.

Thoughts, critiques? Gripes, groans, or moans?

It Takes Two

Scrolls levitated through the air before landing squarely on the table in the middle of the vast library Anon and Twilight found themselves in. “These here, Anon, are maps of all the known magical disturbances to happen within the past thousand years.” She opened them up, pointing her hoof to one of the anomalies. “See how the magical energy around the area is disturbed and put out of balance?”

“I think so?” Anon said, scratching his head like the confused ape he was.

“Most of the disturbances are of a similar size and nature, but this latest one is a bit different.” She grabbed a makeshift map, one she must have made herself, and plopped it beside the other maps. “For starters, and mind the crude work, it’s bigger than the others, and is producing a different frequency of magical waves. It’s… off-putting to say the least.”

“Sooooooo,” Anon began. “Does that mean it poses a threat to the world, or is it off-putting in another way?”

“That’s the thing, Anon. I’ve never seen anything like this, and I don’t think anypony else has either. Either way, you are connected with it; the magic within you is of the same make, and that makes you vital to this investigation. Without the research I can gather from studying you, I wouldn’t be able to figure this out at all.”

“Speaking of that, you aren’t gonna poke me with any needles or sit me in a chair, and force my eyes open to see the horrors of war, are you?”

Twilight squinted her eyes. “No. What? Why would I? Never mind… What I need to do now is get us close to the anomaly, and see how each of our forms react to being in close proximity. Don’t worry, I can say with ninety percent certainty that everything will be fine.”

“Ummm, what about that other ten percent?” Anon raised a cautious brow.

“Certain death filled with agonizing pain from the magical imbalance the anomaly would put on our bodies. But don’t be afraid, Anon. This is for science, and what’s life without a little risk sometimes?”

Anon’s eyes went hollow. “A life well lived.”

“Then you’ll have no issues doing this experiment then, Anon.” She magically scooped him from where he was standing, and began to walk down one of the crystal castle’s many halls in order to reach the front door. “With a life well lived as yours, dying for science should be considered an opportunity.”

Anon struggled with all his might, tossing and turning every which way in order to escape Twilight’s magical grasp, but it was to no avail. Sighing, he crossed his arms, and put on his best 'pouty’ face as he was carried out of the castle.

* * * *

Twilight hummed happily as she flew through the air. Anon, however, was yelling at the top of his lungs for any of the ponies below him to listen to his pleas, as the mad mare he decided to work with forcefully carried him closer and closer to the anomaly that could spell his doom.

“Oh my cotton socks, could one of you little fucking horseshits help me out here!” Anon exclaimed, his voice cracking near the end.

But nopony listened.

I can’t believe, for once, I wish Thing was here to just assimilate everypony in her path, if only to save me from this situation. God, I’m such an ass.

“Hey, Sparkles! I’m not so sure this is a good idea? If we do die from this, then what are we gonna learn in heaven, or more likely, hell?”

Without skipping a beat, she replied. “That satisfaction in learning something new is absolute.”

Anon shut up instantly, stunned by her lack of foresight. Maybe the anomoly is playing tricks on her brain, ‘cause Twilight might do dumb shit, but nothing this stupid.

Anon then remembered one particular episode of the show where she caused a friendship problem in order for her to solve it, because it would appease her demi-god master, Celestia.

On second thought, maybe this is just in line for her after all.

Suddenly, Anon felt his chest grow heavy and his mind grow foggy. He reached a hand to his head, trying to cope with the growing haziness. “Jeez, what’s going on? I feel like I just got off a particularly rough carnival ride.”

Twilight felt what Anon was feeling, and sensed her magic start to grow more and more unstable, making her drop Anon a couple inches before catching him again.

“Fucking hell, you alright? Don’t tell me, we’re moments away from the anomaly, and we are about to see some serious shit?”

“Yes, now quiet down! I’m barely able to keep you floating with me as is.” She grunted, and slowly pushed forward. Each flap of her wings expending more and more of her increasingly decreasing energy. “Almost there… almost there.”

As the dizziness intensity grew stronger, so did the dread inside Anon’s chest. This is it. This is the end.

Suddenly, everything felt… normal. Too normal. “Twilight, why is everything righty side up again?” Anon asked, visibly perplexed by his life not being snuffed out.

“We’re in the epicenter of the anomaly, Anon. Honestly, even I don’t know.” Her horn lit up as she cast a spell on the anomaly, one that tried to make out its magical makeup, and why it was affecting their bodies the way it did.

“It seems the magical frequency is trying to match ours, and that’s why we were feeling so ill a moment ago. Somehow, in someway, as we got into the center of this magical disturbance, it managed to completely match our magical frequency. Imagine it like this, Anon. This anomaly just matched both of our magic DNAs so that they were compatible with each other. That… takes more magical power than I can imagine.”

“Oh,” was all Anon could reply with.

“It’s why you are able to survive in this world, even though your magical makeup is different from anyone in Equestria.” Twilight licked her lips. “I have to know more.” She reached out with her magic again, this time with more deliberate purpose, almost like she was trying to unlock some sort of box.

Anon’s eyes went wide. “Twilight, what are you doing?”

He didn’t get a reply.

“You better not be putting Equestria, and better yet, our lives at risk again. I just got over my sense of doom, don’t you dare bring it back again!” Anon pleaded, but it was to no avail. Twilight ignored his pleas, and focused squarely on her current task.

There was a light that was building in brightness and size next to Twilight.

“What did I just say!?” He screamed.

Twilight turned to Anon with fearful eyes, but she didn’t have time to reply as the light grew in size, engulfing her.

Fuck.

The light changed into a resplendent display of colors as it reached out towards Anon. Anon took note of how he was still in the air, even without Twilight’s magic. He figured it had something to do with the light before him, but as much as he was thankful for not falling to his death… again. He couldn’t help but be swarmed with fear as the light took hold of his form and swallowed him whole.

* * * *

“Anon, darling! Please wake up!”

Anon felt pain all over his body. He groaned, slowly raising himself from the cold ground. He shook his head, rubbed his eyes, and then opened them reluctantly. In front of him was The Thing, her features filled with desperate fear.

“Thing, what happened?” Anon asked groggily.

She answered his question by wrapping her hooves around him in a tight, warm hug. “Anon, thank heavens you’re okay. I was so worried.”

Anon returned the hug, concerned why Thingpone was acting the way she was. “Thing, it’s alright. I’m fine.” Anon finally got a look of his surroundings, noticing the menacing blood red sky, and the traces of pitch black clouds forming on the horizon.

Anon tried to let go of The Thing, but a few tendrils formed on her back to hold him in place. “Thing… what in the world happened after that lightshow a moment ago?”

After a moment more of holding her beloved, The Thing let the hug go. “Anon, whatever you and Twilight did today opened some sort of rift into another world. Maybe the one we came from, but I don’t know.” She stood up, offering a hoof for Anon to grab and lift himself up with. He took the offer with gusto, and they were both back on their feet and hooves again.

“So, bad news. Anything else I should know about?”

Suddenly, like lighting, a thunderous roar reverberated through the air. Anon ducked for cover, and The Thing stood on guard.

“Anon, we’re no longer the only ones who came through that portal.”

That update hit him like a freight train. He felt his stomach churn, and the need to puke rise within his chest. Anon, reluctantly, slowly got up again, took a deep breath to collect himself, and said. “Okay, follow up question. What in oblivion was that!?”

Thingpone didn’t have time to reply, as the visage of the creature who let out that monstrous roar peered over some houses several blocks away. It was as black as night, with some blue and purple highlights that glowed like the sea life found in the deepest parts of the ocean. Its face was almost unrecognizable, save for the large gaping hole in the center of its being. Hundreds of tendrils, thick as tree trunks, whipped and thrashed around in a display of its unimaginable power, decimating the buildings and ponies around it.

“I think we should get to running now.” Anon said, thankful he wore his brown pants today.

The Thing, however, stood her ground. Her mouth split further into her face, and sharp rows of razor sharp teeth began to emerge. Tendrils burst from her back, and eyes began to open with her legs.

“Thing, seriously, we need to get moving. Now!”

Anon was ignored. The Thing instead let out a shrill growl, as she let primal instincts start to take over. “NO! I MUST PROTECT YOU, DARLING!”

Anon looked at her, then the beast of a thousand nightmares, and back to Thing again. His mind was working in maximum overdrive, yet it could not escape the inner turmoil going on inside his mind. He subconsciously began to bite his nails, sweat dripping from his brow.

Suddenly to his right. POOF!

Then to his left. POOF!

“Alright, I know some serious shit is going on, but do you honestly need us for something like this. I mean, look at her?” The devil on his right shoulder began to explain.

“She has been nothing but trouble this whole time for you, and this is the perfect opportunity to let her do her thing and hopefully die from that monstrosity destroying the town. You’ve seen every episode of the show a thousand times. Give it a half hour, and bam! The magic of friendship will zap that oversized Lovecraft monster out of existence.”

“That’s a good point.” Anon said, scratching his chin in thought. “All right, I know you’re gonna chime in next. What do you have to say, shoulder angel?”

“Anon. She loves you, and yeah, she can be a pain in the rear, but you can’t leave her here to die! Besides, she could be crucial to helping save Ponyville from this disaster. I’m sure if you take her away from here, come up with a plan of attack, you two could put an end to this. Also, since I know you’ll love to hear this, you’d become local heroes.”

Anon’s features began to shift, a menacing grin forming on his face, and what appeared to be flames flickering in his irises. “Alright, you just sold me, shoulder angel. Tell Jesus I said thank you, and that I totally owe him a drink after all is said and done.”

The shoulder angel rolled his eyes, before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Anon turned to his right again to see his shoulder devil giving him a judgemental look. “Your loss, buddy.” He said, before he also vanished in a cloud of smoke.

Anon took a deep breath, and then turned towards Thingpone. “Hey, Thing! I think I know a way we can kill that monster without getting us both killed.” His words still didn’t reach her, so he walked over to her and grabbed a hold of her midsection, it too grabbing hold of him. “Hey, please listen. I need you, Thing. You and me, we’re a team, a family, and family means nobody gets left behind.”

Thingpone’s eyes turned to pin pricks when she heard Anon mention her being like ‘family’. Her body slowly deflated from its enraged, combat state into what has become her default state of being.

Anon felt his arms come loose, and he slowly let go of the hug. “Come on, let’s get out of dodge so we can rock this joint later.”

Thank you, Lilo and Stitch.

Thingpone swiftly turned to look at him. “Do you really think of me as family, Anon?” She asked without any hesitation, her eyes practically growing in size as she anticipated his response.

Anon then realized how foolish of a thing it was for him to say that, even if it knocked her out of her psycho killer mode. He reached a hand behind his head and began to rub it. “I-I mean, in a way, yeah. You’re the only one from my world who is stuck here with me. Besides, you and me live together in the same house, and families live together. So yeah, we are a family.”

Alright, nice save Anon. A little more of this, and she could be your personal attack dog when you finally get around to getting that pony harem you always wanted.

Thingpone didn’t reply though, and instead walked up to Anon and rubbed up next to him. “Thanks, Anon. That means more than you could possibly imagine.”

Oh shit… oh shit, oh shit!

Anon looked down to see Thingpone contently rubbing up next to him, and he couldn’t help but feel really good about it. Alright, maybe not an attack dog after all. Perhaps she could get in on that harem.

Anon then remembered the restaurant incident. At least, only when I know she won’t take the whole harem with her. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine under that cute exterior lies one of the most menacing creatures in the universe.

Anon reached down and rubbed his hand through her mane. Before he could lose his train of thought, despite the lack of passengers, another thunderous roar made itself known as another set of buildings were demolished off in the distance.

“Alright, we should really get going now!”

Thingpone giggled. “Right.”

* * * *

“Right. Wanted to get going to avoid the current catastrophe in Ponyville, as if. You just wanted to take me on a scenic walk through the woods.” Thingpone smugly smirked, eyeing Anon in a playful manner.

“As much as you’d love that, no. I brought you here to do what you do best. Assimilate and evolve. Until it is done.” Anon heard the bushes shuffle around him. “Thing, you’re gonna assimulate all the bad ass creatures in the Everfree forest, and you’re gonna use all of their combined might to fuck up that Cthulu wannabe in town.”

The bushes rustled some more, Thingpone taking note of the hungry eyes staring at her and Anon. “Are you sure, Anon. There’s a possibility I might become a little… unhinged if I assimilate enough biomass in such a short period of time.”

Anon took a second to let that sink in. “You know, maybe this isn’t the brightest idea in the world.” He re-examined his surroundings. “Maybe we should find a different forest for you to devour.”

Thingpone raised a hoof. “No, no. I’m sure I can handle my inner instincts enough to go through with this plan. You did mention we were a team, though. Besides leading me here to do what I do best, except loving you, what is it you’re going to do?”

“Ah, yes. That.” Anon was about to follow up her question with an answer, when he suddenly stumbled and had a loss of words. Knowing he had little time to reply, unless he made himself look like he had no idea what he was doing, which was the case most of the time, he blurted out. “I am going to be the Mickey Goldmill to your Rocky Balboa.”

Thingpone raised a brow. “The who to my what now?”

Anon rolled his eyes. “I’m going to be the trainer, and you’re going to be my adorable little Pokemon.”

Thingpone was still giving him a questioning look.

Anon sighed. “Basically I’m gonna be the guy calling the shots, giving you directions, and letting you know how you’re gonna kick ass. Your commander essentially.”

Thingpone laughed. “Alright. If you say so.”

Anon wiped some sweat from his brow, exhaling some air he was holding in. I don’t think she bought that at all, but at least she played along. Anon then slapped both sides of his head to focus again. Alright Anon, you got this. This is just like one of your Japanese animes, and you got some of that protagonist plot juice.

He then looked to see Thingpone rearing up to go on an assimilating rampage through the Everfree. At least I hope I got some of that good boy juice.

Off in the distance came the distinct sound of Timberwolves howling, preparing for a hunt. Anon felt fear creeping into his gut, but soon found some of that fear dissipating as he gazed upon the confident, and ferocious form of The Thing.

Thingpone’s mouth grew in size, rows of razor sharp teeth making themselves known. Her eyes grew slitted, and her hooves transforming into claws, ready to sink into flesh. As she heard the sound of the Timberwolves running towards her and Anon, she grinned hungerly.

After a moment more of anticipation, the first of the timberwolves came in sight, ready to pounce. Thingpone, as well, was ready to leap, her front end lowering to the ground while her rear was raised.

Along with the first timberwolf was the rest of its pack, slightly smaller, signifying that the one in the lead was the alpha. Thingpone licked her lips, knowing which was the first one she was going to devour.

As the pack was around twenty feet from The Thing and Anon, the alpha jumped into the air, claws outstretched and mouth open to deliver a swift, killing blow. Thingpone, however, saw its attack coming a mile away, and dodged to the side. An explosion of tentacles erupted from her side, wrapping around the timberwolf. It yelped, and as much as it struggled, it could not free itself from The Thing’s grasp.

Slowly, the beast was dragged towards The Thing, the other timberwolves barking, both in fear and anger. As the alpha reached Thingpone’s body, another appendage sprouted from her side, a razor sharp claw at the end of it, latching itself around the side of the timberwolf. The wolf was now crying out for help from its pack, but they lost their voices in their throats, ceasing to bark.

Thingpone licked her lips as the alpha fully entered her body, the last remnants of his being sinking below her flesh. Thingpone closed her eyes, letting the rest of the assimilation process take place inside of her. After a moment, she opened them, glowing green like her prey.

“WHO’S NEXT?” She asked, a deep growl like purr following after.

The timberwolves shriveled their stature, none of them willing to be the next to attack. After a moment, The Thing took a step forward.

“SEEMS I MUST TAKE THE INITIATIVE. ANON?” The man in question gulped, taking a step back himself.

“Yes, Thingy?” He asked, starting to sweat nervously.

Oh, Jesus fuck, she just completely decimated that one timberwolf. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I’ve read Frankenstein, I know what happened to Victor’s creation and how it bit him in the ass later on. Now she’s gonna do the same to me, I know it.

“TAKE COVER…” Thingpone said simply, before lunging at the closest of the timberwolves, her front hooves transformed into powerful, razor sharp claws. The timberwolf didn’t have time to react, and found his side being torn to shreds as The Thing dug her claws in, and filled its being with her cells. The timberwolf cried out, but it didn’t find its comrades, much in the same way they didn’t help save their alpha.

Finding the process taking just a tad too long for her liking, The Thing spread her body around the timberwolf like the blob, engulfing it in the gore that was her body. After a moment, a wood-like substance wrapped itself around Thingpone’s forelegs. She examined them with approval, and set her eyes on the last three timberwolves before her.

They looked to one another, knowing what they must do if they had any hope of overcoming their adversary. Getting into fighting position, they growled and let out their most fearsome barks before charging Thingpone.

She smiled. “PREDICTABLE.”

Thingpone’s sinister smile faded, as she face split open tri-fold, the skull beneath showing as a grim reminder of what was to come. After a moment it fell out onto the ground before the charging timberwolves, an army of tentacles bursting forth wrapping around the pack. They tore into their bark, digging deep within them.

Anon averted his eyes, his stomach finding it hard to keep in breakfast. He then heard the squelching noise of Thingpone beginning her assimilation process, and it was just too much for him to bear. He fell to the ground and let the forest floor have a taste of his morning meal. Coughing and hacking, he covered his ears as the sound got worse and more revolting.

He knelt there for what felt like days, weeks even, but eventually he mustered what remained of his guts to let go of his ears, and slowly turn around. He saw a grinning smile of Thingpone looking down on him with the same innocent eyes he found himself growing accustomed to.

“Are we done yet?”

She chuckled, amused by his words. “Oh, Anon. The fun has just begun.”

He gulped. “Oh, what lovely news…”

Author's Note

Finally got this chapter out. As you all know, it is one of two halves. It was gonna be one-mega-chapter, but popular vote wanted it split so new content could arrive quicker. Can't blame ya, really. It's been far too long since I've updated this story.

Anyway, I'm glad this is finally out for everyone to enjoy, and I await the feedback with anticipation. Maybe some sweating. Lots of sweating.