Romance Is Confusing

by OutOfTheBlue

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Romance, Sex, Griffons, Violence, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Bat Pony, Comedy
Length: 3710

He’s survived being captured, chased all over, and being captured... again. But now comes Jack’s biggest challenge yet. Muddling through the miry quagmire that is his love life. Unfortunately, the universe seems to have other plans.

The final chapter in [enter overarching name for these stories?] trilogy. Jack will have to face not only his future, but also his past (dun dun duuuuun.) Now guaranteed to be—

TWICE AS RANDOM!
THRICE AS HUMOROUS(hopefully)!!
AND FOUR TIMES AS POORLY PLANNED(heck if I know)!!!!!

Welcome to... MY LIFE— I mean—ROMANCE IS CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!

(I apologize for that, but it seemes to fit.)

NOTICE= as always: gore, sex, and violence tags are there to be safe. No hanky-pank (explicit at least), Mortal Kombat style fatalities, or overly graphic dance fights. Hope you enjoy!

Published 2018-06-12 04:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-27 04:38:58 UTC

Prologue: An Air of Mystery

There was a faint thrumming of electricity as the elevator descended into the bowels of the facility. Inside, a stern, bald man in uniform who appeared to be in his late sixties stood impatiently and with scarily good posture. Finally, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open with a faint swish. On the other side stood a tall man wearing a lab coat with black hair streaked with grey, heralding his approaching decline and advancing age.

“General Morscoe, good afternoon.”

The stern man harrumphed and replied.

“It would be a better afternoon if I wasn’t here so I could rather be dealing with more pressing issues. You can’t exactly win a war by sipping coffee with your staff now can you.”

The man smiled faintly and adjusted the rectangular glasses he was wearing.

“With all do respect, sir. I didn’t call you here for coffee. It’s in regards to the OUTREACH project.”

The general sighed.

“Don’t even remind me of that fiasco. We send a small group of military ambassadors and suddenly they decide to wage war on our best bet of victory. I still don’t know how that happened. They claim to have been issued new orders mid-flight, but nobody with the necessary clearance gave any such orders.”

“We discovered the cause of that.”

The general fixed him with a laser focused stare.

“And?”

“It was them, sir. Somehow they used their uncanny abilities to gain access to our broadcasting system and wreaked havoc. They’re the ones responsible for that disaster and the subsequent loss of the Harriers.”

General Morscoe scowled.

“So they can freely intercept our coms! This is a disaster! How are we supposed to—“

“General,” he said in a cool voice. “We discovered a way to permanently block them from interfering with our communications. That is no longer an issue. However, I did have something I wanted to show you... and something we wanted your permission to do.”

Morscoe gestured for him to continue. He smiled and turned on his heel.

“Well then, let the tour commence.”

He led the older man through a maze of corridors that branched off on either side. Sounds of machinery and crackling electricity resonated from several of these passages. But eventually he led him to a balcony overlooking a large room like a gymnasium. The general surveyed the room with calculating indifference before saying,

“Well? I’m still waiting.”

The lab coat wearer grew a cold smirk grew as he began.

“General, do you remember the ACHILLES initiative?”

The general scoffed.

“Yeah I remember it. You lot wanted to look into augmenting soldiers to make them more effective against our foes. The Harriers were the fruits of that labor, correct?”

At this he snickered and purred,

“Well, General, they are the prototypes of that project, but we discovered something... interesting.”

The general raised an eyebrow before gesturing for him to continued.

“You see, the ACHILLES initiative delt with the integration of the substance called AETHER into humans. The Harriers are proof that, when it successfully merges with the subject, the human gains enhanced agility, strength, senses, and durability.”

“They become superhumans to put it bluntly, am I correct?”

The man huffed.

“I guess you could put it that way, but they pale in comparison to what I have to show you now.”

He pressed a button and spoke into a nearby microphone.

“Enter, 001.”

A door at one end of the room opened and out walked a man who appeared to be in his early thirties to late twenties. He had fair skin and raven hair. Nothing spectacular physique wise. The tour guide hit another button and an automated machine gun rose from the floor facing the man.

“Don’t worry, the bullets are rubber. Now watch this.”

As the man gave the gun a bored look before resting his arms behind his head, another button was pressed and the gun opened fire. The general was sure the man would soon be screaming in pain, his bored look replaced with one of severe displeasure. Just because they were rubber didn’t mean they wouldn’t hurt. But, to his amazement, every single bullet curved around the man. He was sure that his eyes were fooling him, that the gun was just missing, but the bullets were hitting the wall behind him and bouncing to the floor... with a large gap in the middle of them, right in line with the barrel of the gun. He gulped,

“What... am I looking at.”

“The future. As you noticed, all the bullets just happened to miss him, correct? But what if I did this.”

He raised his voice and said,

“Please send all the projectiles back at the sender this time.”

The man sighed,

“Alright, I guess. Whatever gets this over with fastest.”

The button was pressed again and the gun began to fire, except this time the man held his hand out in front of him like he was stopping traffic. To the general’s amazement the bullets all bounced straight back towards the gun with amazing accuracy, destroying the paper target he just realized was hung behind it.

“Remarkable, isn’t it?”

General Morscoe leaned over the railing and asked,

“What... was that.”

“That was Deflect. You see, we discovered that some humans possess not only the ability to have AETHER integrated into them, but also develop bizarre powers due to it. For instance....”

Down below, the man moved to the side as a woman with long, scarlet hair took center stage. The gun lowered back under the floor and a dummy took its place. Once the signal was given the woman drew her arm back like she was preparing to throw an open palm strike. Red sparks arced across her hand before she whipped her arm forward, flinging a bolt of crimson light. Upon contact, the dummy burst into flames with such force that it flew, blazing. Across the room.

“That is Subject 026. Her power, Combust.”

“Remarkable.” General Morscoe mumbled in bewilderment. After her came two people. An older man who appeared to be in his mid forties and in phenomenal shape, and a man obviously no older than twenty five, thin and wearing half moon spectacles with pale blonde hair.

“I hope you are enjoying your tour, General Morscoe.”

The general jumped and spun to see a man that looked exactly like the one below standing beside him. The man smiled faintly and spoke in a light, clear voice.

“Before you ask, I am the same person as the one down there. I am the Head of Research here, Doctor Jarvin Achten. I am also one of the few people who's power entails multiple abilities.”

He turned to the other man, the one who had led the general so far, and said,

“I believe you can go, Evan.”

He stiffly nodded and briskly walked away.

“Forgive him, general. He’s the supervisor here and one of my employees. He’s bitter that he’s incompatible with AETHER. Now, I bet you’re wondering what’s going on.”

The general nodded and looked down at the two men below. The larger man had begun to attack by punching the air and sending concussive blasts of air at the other... three? Sure enough there were now three of the bespectacled man calmly sidestepping his blasts while giving helpful advice. Morscoe asked,

“How is that possible?”

“That power is my Duplication. I can make fake copies of myself to act as decoys which I can also swap places with, although they break very easily. Next, I can analyze my opponent for weaknesses with the much higher processing power my brain has due to AETHER. Finally, I can fabricate various inanimate objects from AETHER.”

He turned and walked to the balcony before bluish light enveloped his hand. Seconds later a crossbow loaded with a bolt topped with a boxing glove formed out of blue light grew in his grip. He took aim and fired, catching the man on the jaw and knocking him down. He allowed the weapon to disappear and called,

“Better luck next time, Viktor.”

The man sighed and stalked away as the three copies disappeared. Doctor Jarvin motioned for the general to follow before leading him down a set of stairs and down the hall the demonstrators had entered and exited through.

“Oh, I forgot to explain Viktor! Now, Viktor’s power is the ability to create compressed blasts of air by punching it. It enables him to attack from close to mid range with devastating effect.”

They arived in a long training hall where people of all gender, nationality, and age were practicing with their powers. Among the trainees, General Morscoe saw a woman who was deconstructing various objects by touching them with her left hand before reconstructing them with her right, a man who was leaping around with incredible speed while shooting lightning from his hands, and a man punching a punching bag with some greenish, shiny material on his hands. The doctor led him to a man with curious devices on his arms.

“General, this is Doctor Smith. His power is Hemomancy.”

The general shook his hand before Jarvin continued.

“He can manipulate his own blood and the blood of others. Also, his blood has the property of advanced healing as well as being able to be transfused to people of all blood types. In fact, you might have seen some of it under the name Salamander. We’ve begun distributing it to the military.”

The other doctor nodded and said,

“It has so far been credited with saving many lives. I’m just glad that I can save even more people than before.”

Morscoe gestured to his arms and said,

“So what are those?”

“They enable me to fire siphons from my right arm to allow easy manipulation of blood, and to inject people with my blood from my left. Pretty handy for emergencies.”

Jarvin motioned for the general to follow him.

“I bet you’re wondering where AETHER comes from.”

General Morscoe chuckled.

“Is mind reading another of your powers?”

“Sadly no. Oh dear.”

The general saw that his guide was staring at the console beside the door. He turned and called out,

“Jefferson, did you zap the door again?”

The electricity wielding person dashed over and gave a sheepish smile.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“Well I guess we’ll have to wait for maintenance to get here before.”

“I can help with that, Jarvin.”

General Morscoe started at the cheerful, female voice that came from above him. He had expected there to be a flying girl or one walking on the ceiling or something. What he had not expected was for the woman to be... a killer whale. Her skin was shiny and smooth while bearing the distinct coloration of a killer whale. She also had a fin sticking out of the back of her head and had a thick tail. What also made her stand out was the fact that she was clad in a tight blue one piece... and that she was at least eight feet tall. Jarvin smiled.

“Why thank you, Orca. I would be most happy to have your assistance.”

He turned to the general and explained.

“Orca’s power is pretty self explanatory. Not only can she swim incredibly fast and hold her breath for an insane amount of time. And don’t let her shapely, slightly chubby body fool you, she also has the proportional strength of a killer whale. Her blubber and thick skin also acts as a tough layer of protection.”

Orca blushed.

“Sheesh, calling it blubber makes me sound like a total fatty. I’m just a bit chubby, and it’s not like human fat. You know, Orcinas orca is—“

“Orca, my dear, as much as I would love to hear about your passionate love of marine fauna, the general has pressing matters to attend her.”

“Oh, right!”

And with that she bent over and grabbed the seam of the blast doors. With apparent ease, she drew them aside and stood back.

“There you go! If you need me, I’ll be in the lab!”

As she turned and walked away, the general heard Jefferson sigh.

“It’s a real shame she’d probably crush anyone she slept with. I’ve never seen bigger boobs in my life.”

Jarvin laughed serenely.

“Let Wolfhound catch you talking like that and he’ll rip you apart.”

With a quick nod, the two were off again. As they walked, Jarvin spoke.

“I’ve been wondering if our powers manifest dependenty upon our own personalities. Orca, for instance, was a marine biologist before she accepted my invitation to join the ACHILLES program, and she became like the creatures she’s obsessed with. Meanwhile, her brother was a military K-9 specialist and he gained the abilities of a dog... as well as the appearance of one. Ah, here we are!”

He stopped before a door bearing the inscription “restricted.”

“Behind this door is something that is so top secret, no other human beings but myself and my fellow researcher knows of its existence. You must not allow this knowledge to be compromised.”

The general nodded. With all the shocking stuff he’d seen today, he didn’t know what to expect. Jarvin scanned his ID and then his fingers and eye before the door opened, revealing—

“Holy....”

Author's Note

I have returned from being cryogenically frozen due to a parking ticket. And now, it all goes down.

A Game

It was night, and Princess Luna was flying serenely through the world of dreams. For almost a month she had been searching for something, or more specifically, someone. So far her search had borne little fruit, but tonight she hoped to find that someone. Lately she’d been witnessing an increase of dreams involving a strange being in the minds of foals all throughout Equestria’s outskirts. She believed that it might be him. She was about to move on when she sensed something, a consciousness alien to her. She wheeled around and light her horn, diving into the beings mind.

She found herself standing at the entrance of a long, tall, rectangular building. She pushed the door open and found herself in a hall with many rows of identical doors lining the sides, each with their own number. As she walked down the corridor she noticed one door was open and noises were coming from within. She pushed that door open and found the being she was searching for.

“Jack.”

The human turned from his spot on the floor and stared. His dream self wasn’t the same as his actual body. He seemed to have taken the form of a much younger Jack and was currently playing... go-fish?

“Wait... don’t I know you?”

Luna shook herself out of her reverie as Jack spoke. Before she could respond, a different voice chimed in.

“Yeah, she’s the sister of Princess Celestia! Princess Luna!”

The speaker was a pony with dark fur and bat wings... that exactly matched the pony form of Jack. Yet he was sitting across from young Jack.

“She’s the little shart that kidnapped us.”

This voice came from a fully grown human much like Jack, only his face was different. He looked much... grumpier? Kid Jack spoke up.

“Oh yeah. That’s where she’s from. Hi, Princess! Wanna play?”

“Uh... okay.”

She sat down and a hand of cards appeared before her. Pony Jack looked over his cards before addressing the grump.

“Got any... threes?”

“Go fish.”

Luna blinked a few times before speaking to who she believed to be the real Jack. The child.

“So, Jack, how have you been?”

Jack took a drink from a cup of watery juice before he replied.

“Pretty good, pretty good. Can’t really complain.”

“What have you been—“

Grump spoke to her.

“Got any sevens?”

Luna glanced down and saw she did indeed have a seven. She also noticed the cards for the first time.

“Are these... bicycle cards?”

All three nodded and child Jack chimed in.

“Yeah, they’re the only cards we have. Me and big brother found them in a box of great-grandpa’s old stuff.”

He gestured to a hand of cards lying untouched beside him. A cup of juice and a bowl of bland looking mush was with them. Luna frowned.

“Your... big brother?”

He nodded.

“Yeah, he’s the coolest! He’s gonna come home for lunch soon. I made him some. He just left a little bit ago.”

Luna nodded before levitating her seven over to the adult Jack. Child Jack looked to pony Jack and asked,

“Have any kings?”

“Go fish.”

Luna normally would have played along, but she had things to take care of and couldn’t afford to get sidetracked.

“Uh... Jack?”

“Yes?”

“I was wondering where you were. After the... incident, you disappeared. My sister and I have started to worry. And speaking of that whole incident, I wanted to apologize to you. I... I was letting my own past color my perception of you. I once turned against my sister and fell prey to a dark power. I became a monster and still am in the eyes of some of my little ponies. So when you escaped, I... I was so determined to protect them and prove I was there to keep them safe that I lost myself. Can you ever forgive me?”

The pony and child versions both nodded and gave her reassuring smiles. The surly adult Jack just huffed. She could accept two out of three. She pressed on.

“So where are you now?”

“I dunno.”

“What? How can you not know? Are you lost?”

The pony chuckled.

“Big time. Also, you’re turn.”

Luna ignored him.

“Are you hurt? Do you need help?”

The child scratched his head.

“I’m fine. I’ve had a few tricky situations, but it’s all worked out so far. My ear did get a little cut up when a bear attacked me, but it’s doing better now. I’m just waiting until I change back into my human self so I can escape.”

“Escape? Escape from where?!”

The adult Jack cleared his throat.

“Your. Turn.”

“I don’t—!”

She sighed. It was better to keep the dreamer placated than to risk waking him up. She checked her hand before addressing the real Jack.

“Do you have any... jacks?”

He giggled and showed her his hand.

“They’re all jacks, silly!”

Sure enough, every card in his hand was a jack... as well as every card in her hand.

“Riiiiiight. Well, as I was asking before, where exactly are you trying to escape from?”

Jack shrugged.

“I dunno, some small town. I’m locked in the stocks for being a vampony, as they called me. Once I’m human I can slip my arms and head out. Ponies have large heads I’ve noticed.”

Pony Jack turned to her.

“Have any aces?”

“Go fish.” She halfheartedly replied. This was worrisome. Jack probably was in some small town in the outskirts of Equestria. It would be difficult to find him so she could set things right.

“Why do I get the feeling she’s not actually interested in playing.”

Luna looked up as adult Jack grumbled. Luna huffed.

“I’m simply worried about Jack is all. My sister and I have been concerned for a while regarding his wellbeing. The evening after she returned to the castle and assuaged the fears of our citizens she voiced her concerns with me. You were all alone in the middle of the forest with little to no supplies.”

The pony shrugged.

“We knew someone nearby. We stayed with her a few days before heading out.”

“Well... that does put my heart somewhat at ease.”

Adult Jack looked up from his cards and asked her,

“Do you have any fives?”

“Go fish.”

He drew a card and they played in relative silence for a few turns. Finally, Jack spoke up.

“So... Princess Luna. You... have things you regret?”

“Pardon?”

He worked his jaw for a bit before continuing.

“I’ve... never really felt this way before, but I... I did something to some people that will change their lives forever. And I... I just don’t know if I made the right choice. What do you do to make it go away?”

Luna tapped her chin before replying.

“Well... you don’t really make it go away. Everyone has something, or somethings, they regret. Tis simply a fact of life. All I think that matters is ensuring you don’t let that regret stop you from every accomplishing anything. Does that help?”

He shrugged.

“I guess. I just don’t really have much experience with this.”

“Regret?”

“No, making my own choices. All my life I’ve been told what to do, where to go, what to eat, what to wear, and what to say. But now, I don’t really know what to do. Can you tell me what I should do? Where I should go?”

Luna mulled it over for a second before answering him.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s not healthy to depend on others to command you all your life without even acting of your own volition.”

Jack sighed.

“I guess that makes sense.”

“However....”

He refocused on her.

“I do think I can offer some advice. I’d say that you should return to the place where you were the happiest. Live out your life there, and make many friends to help keep you from doing anything else you’ll regret.”

He smiled.

“Maybe I’ll do just that. Thanks, Princess.”

She smiled and nodded before looking at her hand.

“So, Jack. Doest thou have any queens?”

“I would say go fish, but I think that the game is over.”

She was about to ask what he meant when the dream abruptly shattered. She floated in the realm of dreams for a moment before setting off for Canterlot again. She might not have done what she originally intended to do, but she did feel much better about the whole situation.

“I do hope you find happiness, human. I feel that if any of your kind deserve to be allowed here to live in hiding, it is you.”

Author's Note

Sorry for the short chapter, I’ve been busy. I’ll try to write the next one more expediently. Hope you enjoyed!