The Adventures of Mr. Cake: Red Velvet Hoofprints

by SilverOrion

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 8250

Mr. Cake. Openly a pastry chef at Sugarcube Corner, undercover secret agent for the royal guard.

Your Briefing:

He's Mr. Cake. A stallion who co-owns Sugarcube Corner with his wife, Mrs. Cake. Not only that, but a stallion of little wits in the face of tragedy.

The royal guard. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's governmental branch dealing with the protection of Equestria. They only except the best, and the best only.

And yes, Mr. Cake is an undercover secret agent for the royal guard, and the lover of Mademoiselle Cheerilee (before he was a married stallion, that is).

You know what, I'm going to stop you there, because I know this isn't making any sense to you. We are sending this delicate information to you and to you only, because you are the only safe recipient of these documents.

If you choose to accept looking into these documents, then you equally accept that you may be considered as an informant in the future. Why? Well, we can't tell you, because if we did… There would be (ahem) "Lunar" consequences.

As a secondary, um, "provider" of, um, information, this is the part where I'm supposed to use a vague agent name to protect my identity. So for now, you can go ahead and call me "Agent D. Hooves." I hope that doesn't give anything away…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-06 17:33:29 UTC

Mission Review Introduction

Agent D. Hooves here, giving you your introduction to these top secret documents! No pony in equestria must know about these documents besides you and any other informants. Oh wait, first I need to say thank you for accepting to read these documents and that you are now a part of our non-prerequisite informant program! The very fact that you are marked as an informant means that you are in danger of, but not limited to, being chased by changelings, being seen as a target by our enemies, and possibly finding yourself waking up somewhere on the other side of Equestria for no apparent reason with a mission which could give you a variety of health problems. I guess I should have mentioned that before I had you read this... woops.

Anyways, you shouldn't worry, because being an informant for the royal guard is great, because you get to know stuff other ponies don't know and you get to be a part of Princess Celestia's governmental branch. Not bad, huh? Not to mention that they have free muffins on monday mornings, which taste great! Although I love muffins more than anything anyways, so I guess I could be a little biased. But if you don't like muffins, they still have plenty of other breakfast stuff, like some coffee and doughnuts and sometimes even cookies; but if you ask me, I'd go for the muffins.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Yep, you're an informant now because we will be sending documents about... Let's see here... Agent C. You probably know him as "Mr. Cake." By the way, he makes great muffins at sugarcube corner which I always take with me when I'm off duty from working at the local post offi-

Sorry again, that's probably too much information about me.  Anyways, let's call Mr. Cake "Agent C" from now on, just for the sake of being confidentiality and stuff. You would probably never picture him as a secret agent for the royal guard, because I sure didn't at first. Apparently it had something to do with the irony and the fact that no pony would expect it. Alright, so Mr. Ca-... oh, I mean, "Agent C," has just recently been asked nicely but with a little assertiveness to be a secret agent for the royal guard, which he agreed to, and the next several documents you will be receiving will have everything about this mission he's just been on from the point of becoming a secret agent to the point of finishing his mission.

And now for your mission. Actually, it's pretty easy - all you have to do is read these documents and see what happened with Mr. Ca-... Woops, heheh, "Agent C". I've heard his story already and it's pretty fun listening to so you don't have to worry about this being boring or anything. So stay tuned, relax, grab some of your favorite muffins and give me some time to get these documents to you as soon as possible.

And if anything happens with the documents along the way, I'll just have no idea what would have went wrong, so please don't ask me.

Lets see here, I'm looking at the rest of this document and there's a ton of space for more stuff to write down, and I've got some more time on my hooves to give you some more info on all of this. I guess I can give you the lowdown on some of the stuff that has been going on with "Agent C" and how he wound up in all of this.

From what I've heard, it sounded like the royal guard had a problem with something. There was a crime scene, some hoofprints, and some really bad guy and some thugs. They were going to have just some normal secret agent go and take care of the problem, but the problem was that there was a problem with having a normal secret agent discover the problem, which would have been a big problem, and the royal guard didn't want any more problems to deal with so in order to solve the problem they decided to have someone out of nowhere, with no training, go and fix the problem. So a pony named Shining Armor, who was the captain of the royal guard, went out and started hunting around Ponyville for the one pony who would be least likely to be suspected to be a secret agent under any circumstances. But as he kept looking and looking, just about everypony in town was pretty normal and capable of being a secret agent. Shining Armor decided to call it a day, grab a cupcake and leave, so he went down to Sugarcube Corner to get one of his favorite sprinkled cupcakes. Luckily, when he was ordering, Agent C was so flustered that the captain of the royal guard himself was asking him for a cupcake that he nervously gave Shining Armor a cupcake along with a good discount on it as well. When Shining Armor saw how inconspicuous Agent C could be, he hired him on the spot.

That's the basic gist of it anyway. I left out a lot because of secrecy and all, and I only heard it second hoof, so some of may or may not be true. Besides that, that's the basic idea of how Agent C got involved with the royal guard in becoming a secret agent. The cool part about it is that no pony else in Ponyville or Equestria knows about it except you, me, Shining Armor, and some other higher ranked royal guards. At least, you are from Equestria, right? Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter; I mean, it's too late now because you're involved!

Oh, that reminds me, Shining Armor may make a couple shout outs to you informants out there from time to time in these documents, since you're involved and all. I'm not sure why or how, but that's what he's saying could happen, so that's just more motivation for me to keep you posted in case he does have something to say.

Alright, my time's just about up so I'm going to go head over to Sugarcube Corner to get my favorite snack before getting back to work with the mail.

Stay informed!

Agent D. Hooves.

The Genesis Agent

This is Agent D. Hooves again, giving you your very first document on Secret Agent C. You know how I gave you the basic idea of how Mr. Cake... Oh, uh Agent C got involved in all of this? Well, I was just told firsthand what had happened to our secret agent to get him involved in all of this. Before I do, I gotta say that this isn't exactly something which just happened yesterday. You know how I said that this is something which happened recently? Well, by recently I kind of meant ten years ago, so all of this happened back in the last decade. Heh, I guess I kind of screwed that up a little. So yeah, sounds awkward since it's taken this long for the royal guard to even release this information, but I'm sure the royal guard had its reasons. So when you're taking all of this sensitive material in, please remember that some stuff hasn't even been invented yet. Also, you may recognize some ponies in this mission review. If you do, that's great, because you'll get a better grip on everything that's going on, right?

To spice this up a little bit, I'm going to add a bit of my own flare to this for you to get you in the mood of things. I dunno, it makes my job more fun.

So here's an intro for you informant recruits!

Ladies and gentlecolts, colts and fillies, I present to you the Adventures of Mr. Cake, starring in Red Velvet Hoofprints. Prepare yourselves for a frosting covered tale of crime, sticky fingers, and style, because this story is sure to put the "C" in "Coolness."

Yeah, that was cheesy...

-  -  -

It was another day at the Sugarcube Corner, and it was jumping. A sign stood outside with letters made up of flashing neon-colored magic, spelling the very name of the shop with a stylish look to it. There was a twilight sky out with an orange glow from the sun the horizon and sparkling stars hovering above in the sky. It was another cool evening in Ponytown, and it could even be said that "cool" had taken a double meaning. Yes, the air had the perfect chill to it, but the streets were characterized by ponies in flashy clothing and hair styles.

It was at this time of day that Sugarcube Corner was really alive. It was at the end of the day, and Sugarcube Corner was the place to go for dessert after a good dinner from any of the neighboring shops and restaurants. It was at this time in Ponytown's (or Ponyville's) history that Mr. Cake was handling Sugarcube corner on his own, with his candy store hat and vest which could have easily had a pony believe that he worked at a carnival if he wasn't working at his own shop at the time.

A younger Mr. Cake busily took the orders of excited ponies who were greedily eying the sticky sweet sweets in the shelves and cases. Working hastily came naturally to Mr. Cake, since he'd been doing it for about a few years. It wasn't long ago that he'd graduated from his college and sought a career in baking, and he'd learned a thing or two about being quick and accurate with doing his job right. Not to mention that his own cutie mark represented that talent, with three neatly stacked cakes. Although Mr. Cake had many a strong suit, he had plenty of his own weaknesses. Those weaknesses could have been summed up with one word: panic. Mr. Cake was a worrier, and was known for letting his fears influence him in most occasions. Besides that flaw, Mr. Cake was one dapper pony.

Sure, it was just another day in Ponytown, but that doesn't mean something won't go wrong. Never forget Murphey's Law, ladies and gentlecolts!

Yep, something was about to go wrong today, something that would change Mr. Cake's life forever. And no, it wasn't going to be marriage, at least not yet. Today, somepony was going to meet Mr. Cake and turn his busy days at Sugarcube Corner into a life of secret agent-dom. (Did I say that right?)

It was at this time at night that Mr. Cake was just about wrapping up his day at the shop when his last customer of the day was trotting through the shop doors - Mademoiselle Cheerilee.

Normally, it was at the time of night that Mr. Cake wouldn't be taking any more customers, but Mademoiselle Cheerilee was his one and only exception. Mademoiselle Cheerilee was a mare, of course, who donned a purple coat and a fluffly, periwinkle mane. Today she was wearing her signature hoof-warmers, along with some hoof-bands, and stars and lightning bolts in her mane, not to mention the groovy checkered scarf that she was wearing around her neck this evening. Many a pony in Ponytown had estimated that she may have had approximately ten colts with crushes on her and three ex-lovers in high school alone, along with one stallion who she never left, and that lucky stallion was Mr. Cake himself.

Mademoiselle Cheerilee trotted up to the counter and smiled, "I'll have the usual."

"A vanilla milkshake with strawberry whipped cream and no cherry?" Mr. Cake asked.

"You would be right," Mademoiselle Cheerilee confirmed.

"Coming right up, Mademoiselle," Mr. Cake said, gingerly trotting to the milkshake machine and procuring a glass, which he gingerly placed into the milkshake machine. Pulling a lever here and pushing a button there, the machine produced the vanilla milkshake from a spout just above the glass. When the glass was full, Mr. Cake stopped the machine, turned around and proceeded to take a strawberry whipped cream can and added the delectable whipped cream picturesquely on the top of the milkshake. When he was done, he took the milkshake and handed it (erm, hoofed it. Where did I hear handed it before... was it from Lyra? That makes no sense. Anyways, back to the story) to Mademoiselle Cheerilee.

Mademoiselle Cheerilee glanced at the milkshake, then spoke, "This milkshake looks wonderful, as always."

"My aim is to please, Mademoiselle," Mr. Cake responded.

"I hope you won't take this to heart," Mademoiselle Cheerilee continued, "but it would be nice if I could have a straw for this as well."

Mr. Cake was stunned. Of all possible courtship faults of his life, he never realized it would come to this. He forgot the straw! Mr. Cake was so entranced by the presence of Mademoiselle Cheerilee, that he had completely forgot to add the straw to the milkshake! Desperate situations called for desperate measures, and that is exactly what this situation called for. Mademoiselle Cheerilee must not be dissapointed, and his very relationship status with her depended on it! And so,

breaking his character as the suave shopkeeper,

Mr. Cake responded in the most calm, decent, yet urgent way,

"Don't worry honey bun, I've got this!"

Mr. Cake then pushed himself back from the counter, practically flipping midair and proceeding to land on a hoofstool. From the hoofstool, Mr. Cake sprung one final time and managed to reach the jar of milkshake straws which sat on the top of a nearby shelf. In one final flip, on the way down from his second jump, Mr. Cake successfully plunged the straw (with grace) into the milkshake. Mission accomplished.

When Mr. Cake looked back at Mademoiselle Cheerilee, she looked slightly surprised, and possibly a little flustered.

"Why, thank you, Mr. Cake," Mademoiselle Cheerilee said, breaking the brief silence which followed Mr. Cake's fantastic acrobatic feat.

Mr. Cake composed himself, and layed a foreleg on the counter, "Anytime, Mademoiselle Cheerilee."

"Do you do that all the time if somepony doesn't have a straw?" Mademoiselle Cheerilee asked.

"On occasion," Mr. Cake responded, "Especially when it's somepony who is in need."

Mademoiselle Cheerilee was a little wide-eyed as she sipped her milkshake, imagining Mr. Cake prancing about ponytown shoving straws in ponies' strawless milkshakes.

Unfortunately, this romantic moment between Mademoiselle Cheerilee and Mr. Cake was not meant to last, because at that moment a stallion with a white coat and a deep blue mane, and a black uniform and glasses broke through the door (although the door wasn't actually broken, of course, it just kind of, you know, looked that way) and spotted Mr. Cake. Rushing up to Mr. Cake, the stallion spoke.

"Those were some very good jumps you had made there, Mr. Cake."

"They were?" Mr. Cake asked, a little dumbfounded.

"Yes, sir." The mysterious stallion responded. "In fact, so good that I am recruiting you for secret agent work on account of the royal guard of Princess Celestia herself."

Mr. Cake gaped. Mademoiselle Cheerilee stopped sipping her milkshake, and then gaped after not sipping her milkshake. Yep, life was about to change for Mr. Cake. Forever.

Agent D. Hooves here, giving you some more intelligence on all of this. You're probably wondering, "Who is The Genesis Agent?" since that's the name of the document. Well, I'm glad you asked, because it's my job to tell you! If you didn't ask, then I'm gonna tell you anyway so sit back and read up, recruits!

So, who is The Genesis Agent? Well, Mr. Cake was going to be the royal guard's very first secret agent, so he was going to be the genesis of the entire program. That also means that he was going to be the royal guard's test dummy, so everything they were going to show him about being a secret agent was brand new and untested. Of course, it's probably best that they didn't tell him that.

Anyway, that just about wraps up this document. Oh, and one more thing, somepony in intelligence screwed up some information, and one of our actual secret agent pony's records were assigned to you instead. So if you're targeted by Queen Chrysalis for arson and leaking information, please run and hide until we fix this little thing up, okay? Okay.

Stay informed!

Agent D. Hooves

Asked Nicely, With a Little Assertiveness

This is Agent D. Hooves here, giving you your third document on Mr. Cake's mission operation, "Red Velvet Hoofprints." I hope that last document gave you a clearer picture of how Mr. Cake got enlisted for the royal guard, because my memory of the story was really vague when I was writing that first document. Oh, and I should mention that he wasn't exactly enlisted right there on the spot. In fact, that would be against the royal guard rules! You're probably a little confused but don't worry, I'll explain more in this document.

This brings me to another thing I said earlier. Remember when I said asked nicely with a little assertiveness? Well, when I said that, I meant asked nicely with a little assertiveness; which was exactly the way I said it, actually. The problem was, nopony in the royal guard really had that kind of personality to have asked Mr. Cake to become a secret guard very nicely with any assertiveness. Oh, but the royal guard always has a few tricks up their sleeves, and they did figure something out in the end. I'd better end this intro before I give anything away, so...

Here's the next installment of these documents! (Now where did I put those muffins?)

Mr. Cake jumped as if somepony had tazered him. Recruited? For the royal guard? It wasn't surprising that he fainted from hearing the news.

After he fainted, Mr. Cake got up in an instant; but instead of getting up at his own shop, Mr. Cake was sitting on a small chair in the middle of a room with grey brick walls. In front of was a metal door, with one royal guard standing on either side of it. What in the name of Celestia was going on? Mr. Cake figured he was probably dreaming, since there was no way that he could simply appear in some random place which was away from Sugarcube Corner.

Just then, the door opened and in trotted that same pony with the white coat and the deep blue mane, and he was still wearing that black uniform and glasses. It was only now that it had registered to Mr. Cake that this stallion was a unicorn pony, only making him appear more intimidating at the thought of him using magic. After giving the signal, the two other guards trotted out the door to stand guard on the other side. After a brief moment, the mysterious pony spoke.

"You probably know why you're here, right?"

Mr. Cake reviewed his memories to try and remember what was going on, when it finally came to him.

"You don't mean... You're recruiting me to work for the royal guard?"

"Well, sort of." The other pony replied, "By recruit, I had pretty much meant giving the opportunity. And it wouldn't just be working for the royal guard, per se."

Mr. Cake was dumbfounded, even speechless. After a moment, he continued with a dry sensation in his mouth, "What would you have me be doing?"

The other pony was clearly thinking of a way to respond, before replying. "Why don't you follow me to another room, and I'll explain it on the way."

The other pony began to leave.

"Wait," Mr. Cake said, "Aren't you going to untie me?"

"Untie you?" The other pony replied, a little surprised.

"Yeah, how can I follow you if I'm..."

Mr. Cake looked down and noticed that he was not, nor ever was tied down to the chair he was sitting in. The other pony cocked an eyebrow above his black shaded glasses.

"Oh, I guess I just kind of figured, y'know, that since I was sitting in a chair in a chamber like this, that I was-"

"Yeeah..." the other pony interrupted.

After a brief awkward moment where both ponies were just staring at each other, Mr. Cake broke the silence.

"So... Should we get going then?"

"Yeah, let's go."

The mysterious pony opened the door, motioning to the guards that everything went well, then motioned for Mr. Cake to follow him.

"You'd better stay close," the mysterious pony said, "it gets pretty dark down here, not to mention that it's practically a maze down here if you're new."

As Mr. Cake followed the mysterious pony, he looked around at his surroundings. It was neat and well carved in the chamber he was just in a moment ago, but now he was trotting through old passageways with worn bricks. Every once and a while, some crystal shards would decorate the ceiling. After trotting through some winding passages, the tunnel opened up to a vast cave-like room, characterized by a long narrow bridge which lay just ahead of him. on the walls, many faded murals of equestria's past added an especially antique-like feel to the room. While Mr. Cake followed the mysterious pony across the bridge, he looked down over the side of the bridge to see what was hidden below, catching a glimpse of a long drop leading to a whole other place where crystals reflected light from all directions. Noticing that he was beginning to feel wobbly from the height, Mr. Cake stood upright again, fear preventing him from looking down.

"Impressive, isn't it?" the mysterious pony said, "this room has been the foyer of the royal guard for as long as I can remember. A lot of memories are here, captured in the murals on the walls and from my own memories of well."

The mysterious pony turned and looked at Mr. Cake.

"It was here that I decided that I wanted to become one of the royal guard," he chuckled, "and now I'm the captain of the guard, can you believe that?"

Mr. Cake nervously smiled and nodded, "Yeah, pretty out there."

With a small smile on his face, the mysterious pony continued to trot along the bridge until he and Mr. Cake arrived at the other side. A wall with the emblem of the equestrian royal guard (which is top secret by the way, I can't show or explain to you what the emblem of the royal guard is. Wait, you're an informant, so I can tell you! Geez, you almost had me there.). To Mr. Cake, the emblem appeared to be a solar eclipse, with one star to the left of it and one star to the right.

"Alright," the mysterious pony said, "you're not actually a part of the royal guard yet, so I can't have you seeing how the next part of our little trip is accomplished."

"Does that mean you'll give me a blindfold, or a potato sack, or-"

Without warning, the mysterious pony caused a bright flash to appear from his horn.

"Gah!" Mr. Cake exclaimed, practically blinded by the light, "What was that about?"

For a moment the other pony didn't answer, but then replied, "to keep you from seeing how to get in."

"Get in where?"

The other pony sighed. "Wait a moment and your vision will come back, then you'll see where."

Mr. Cake blinked several times, seeing stars and black spots everywhere, until everything came back into focus. Amazingly, the mural with the royal guard emblem had disappeared. In its place was a small metal room with a light radiating from its ceiling. The mysterious pony motioned for him to follow him inside, and Mr. Cake slowly and nervously trotted inside. The moment both of the ponies were in the room, the opening leading into the vast foyer closed, leaving the two ponies in the small metal room. Not long after, the room began to hum, and Mr. Cake began to strangely feel weightless.

"Feels weird for the first time, huh?" the mysterious pony asked, "it felt that way for me the first time I used this elevator."

Mr. Cake responded, "Heh, yeah, it feels pretty... wait, what?"

The other pony looked at him with that cocked eyebrow for the second time, then had a surprised look on his face.

"Wait, you've never used an elevator before, what was I thinking. This room is actually moving down, right now. That's what makes it an elevator, it... elevates you."

"So we are moving down, right now?"

"Yep."

"Straight down?"

"You got it."

"Oh good sweet cupcakes." Mr. Cake said, imagining himself plummeting downwards in a small metal box.

"Don't worry, it's completely safe."

"But this room must be moving because of magic, which means that somepony must be moving it. Couldn't whoever that pony is make a mistake?"

The mysterious pony appeared as if he was trying to find a way to answer Mr. Cake's question, then answered.

"This, 'elevator', isn't exactly using... Magic."

Mr. Cake found himself confused, "So it's using a pulley system?"

The other pony still looked concerned with the topic. "No... Not a pulley system."

"Then how in the name of Equestria is it doing anything?"

"Well... It's probably alright to tell you given the circumstances... This room is moving by an element known to the royal guard as electricity."

"Electricity?"

"Oh Celestia, how do I explain this,"the mysterious pony said, "when you think of electricity, think of energy that can be harnessed at will - which is not magic. Nopony else in Equestria uses electric technology but the upper class ranks of the royal guard, for security reasons."

"So you're telling me there's another element of energy which can be harnessed other than magic?"

"Yes," the mysterious pony said, "but instead of needing to be caused to happen, electricity can work completely independently of anything harnessing it. It's useful when we don't want to be using magic all the time."

Mr. Cake tried to take all of this in, hearing the low hum in the room and the weightless feeling in his legs, which he was now getting used to.

"Anyway, did you have any questions for me back in the other room which you still want to ask?"

Mr. Cake looked confusedly at the other pony, then remembered, "Yeah, who are you anyway?"

"I would be Captain Shining Armor, to you." the other pony said.

"And where are we?"

"We were just in the dungeons beneath Princess Celestia and Luna's castle. Right now, we're passing through the crystal mines that go even deeper into the mountain beside canterlot, and when we finally reach our destination, we will be at the royal guard's wing."

"The royal guard's wing? Wouldn't that be in the castle?"

"It is. You'd be surprised how deep the royal castle actually extends underground. The part of the castle you see in canterlot is reserved for the duties of the Princesses. But the part that extends deeper underground..."

The elevator came to a stop and had its doors open before Shining Armor finished.

"...Is reserved for the duties of the royal guard."

Shining Armor trotted out of the elevator, and now Mr. Cake instinctively began to follow him. Stepping out of the elevator into yet another hallway, Mr. Cake could see that the royal guard's wing was very different from the dungeons they had recently been through. The walls, ceiling, and floor all seemed to be made of metal. Strangely, some small parts of the ceiling were made of a pane of glass with a small glowing sphere behind them. After trotting through some of the hallways, Shining Armor led Mr. Cake into square room, again with the chair in the middle of it. Two royal guards were already standing beside the door on the inside. Once Shining Armor and Mr. Cake were both in the room, Shining Armor sighed and broke the silence.

"You can sit down if you want after all that trotting. I'll be back a little later, but for now we want to ask something important."

Mr. Cake decided to sit down on the chair while Shining Armor left the room. Soon, two more royal guards trotted in the room, wearing black suits and glasses.

Alright, Agent D. Hooves here once again. I just received a report right in the middle of making this document for you that something really really top secret is going to to come up soon, something so sensitive I can't even share it with you. It's going to be the identity of a mare who will be interacting with Agent C, and she's the pony who the royal guard found to get Mr. Cake to be a secret agent by asking nicely with a little assertiveness. I hope you're not let down, because I'm going to have to censor her name out whenever one of the ponies mention her name for now just to keep this completely secret. I mean, this pony was completely unrelated to us at the time and we didn't want her to get targeted for anything then or even now. But hey, if you read this then you probably will be targeted because our enemies will want to know if you somehow recognized her or not, silly as that sounds. Anyway, back to the document...

"Mr. Cake." said one of the royal guards.

Mr. Cake looked at the guard, and responded with a "Yes?"

"We need to ask you to do something for us."

"What do you need?"

"We need you... To put on these black sunglasses."

The royal guard took out a pair of black sunglasses and gave them to Mr. Cake. Several moments passed.

"So," Mr. Cake continued, "Is that all you wanted to ask me?"

"No." Replied the royal guard, simply.

Mr. Cake couldn't make out what the royal guards were thinking. It appeared as if they were looking at him critically, but he wasn't sure. It was almost intimidating having four royal guards looking right at him practically without emotion.

"I think he should wear a different hat." Said the another royal guard.

"I think you're right." Said the first guard.

And so one of the royal guards removed Mr. Cake's confectioner's hat, which apparently he was still wearing, and replaced it with a wonderbolts baseball cap.

Again, silence.

"That apron and tie are too much." Said a third royal guard.

"I think you're right." Said the first guard.

One of the royal guards proceeded to remove Mr. Cake's apron and tie, replacing them with a shiny, fluffy scarf.

"Where did you get that scarf?" the first guard asked.

"My daughter's high school friend made it for her. Apparently she appreciates fashion."

"I see." said the first guard.

Mr. Cake simply sat there, not sure weather to be intimidated, confused, or anything else. Whatever he really was feeling about this was probably to complicated to describe.

"I'm sorry to ask, but is this all you wanted of me now?" Mr. Cake asked.

"No." said the royal guard.

"As the royal guard, we need to ask you to join us as a secret agent. Do you accept?"

"You mean, I get to decide?"

"Yes."

"Right now?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm just not cut out for this, so I say no."

The other royal guard sighed.

"We need you to say yes."

"Well I say no."

"Say yes."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"Aaagh!" the royal guard exclaimed.

"We expected this would happen." mentioned another guard.

"Alright, call in... The mare."

"The mare? Are you sure?" spoke another guard.

"Yes, the mare."

"We could handle this on our own, we don't need to get... her involved!"

"Yes, agent, we do."

Mr. Cake gulped. Who was this "mare"? What was she going to do to force him to say yes?

One of the royal guards left the room to go and get... the mare.

"Look, you guys," Mr. Cake said, with a kind of shaky voice, "I'm just not cut out for this job. I work at a sweet shop for Celestia sakes! The best skill I have is... is... making cake! You don't have to bring in the mare, we can talk this out!"

"I'm afraid it's too late, Mr. Cake." Said one of the guards.

"We need you for a covert mission so dangerous, a well trained secret agent couldn't accomplish it."

One of the royal guards bucked the last guard for saying that, muttering "Don't freak him out yet."

The guard that left returned to the room, "I have her here. Should I send her in? Her identity is protected."

"Yes, let her in." responded one of the royal guards.

Mr. Cake felt cold and clammy, nearly hyperventilating in his chair, and cringing at the door to see what foul spawn of evil would tread through it to force him to say yes to the most ridiculous offer ever made to him in his entire pony life.

Slowly, possibly even menacingly, trotting through the doorway, was a younger, possibly teenage pony with a yellow coat and a pink, wavy mane. She wore a pair of black shades and a suit which effectively hid her cutie mark.

Breaking the silence, she spoke, "Um... The royal guard needs you to join the royal guard and show your loyalty to the princesses, and you absolutely need to say yes... If you're able."

Mr. Cake didn't answer for a moment, then nervously replied, "And what if I say no?"

"Well," The mare said, "they'll really just wait until you say yes, so, sorry."

"What do you mean, wait until I say yes?"

"Well," the mare said, strangely beginning to sound nervous herself, "the royal guard isn't supposed to force ponies to join them. They can only have you join if they have your permission, and, well, they'll just stand around here with you until you do say yes."

"But I don't want to join the royal guard, it's just not for me."

The other pony made a quiet, indiscernable squeak and turned her head to the side.

"You're doing just fine," said one of the guards.

"...Okay." said the yellow pony, then continued, "Mr. sir, you really need to say yes, because otherwise, these guards will just stand here with you in the room until you do."

Mr. Cake threw his hat on the ground, then responded, "I'm not cut out for being a secret agent! I'm just an average stallion who works at a sweet shop!"

After Mr. Cake's exclamation, the yellow pony gasped, "Mr. Ca-"

"Wait wait wait," interrupted one of the guards, "we can explain!"

"Mr. Cake, a secret agent?" Continued the yellow pony.

"Oh mother of celestia, bucking apples, discord's happy world..." muttered a frustrated guard.

"You know me?" Mr. Cake said, bewildered.

"M-Mr. Cake, I'm [censored], of course you know me!"

Mr. Cake sat dumbfounded. "You... You're [censored]?"

[censored] removed her shades, revealing her emerald colored eyes and her unmistakable face, "You see?". After making her identity known, the literature crew was immediately ushered into the corner of the room with royal guards trying to hide [censored] from view.

Of all the ponies in equestria, Mr. Cake would have never believed that the royal guard were using [censored] as a last resort to get him to say yes to all of this. [censored], the mare who lived in a cottage on the outskirts of [location censored], caring for cute woodland animals, and the last pony he ever imagined being involved with the royal guard's secret activities in this situation. So many questions raced through Mr. Cake's mind. If [censored] was helping the royal guard now, doesn't that mean that the royal guard knows they can go to [censored] for help with these things? If so, does that mean this isn't the only time [censored] has helped the royal guard in its secret activities?

"Alright, everypony stay calm, we need everypony to stay calm." ordered one of the guards.

"Nothing to worry about, [censored] is just a pony after all, you don't need to tell this to anypony." said another.

"You're going to trot away with this without sharing this information to anypony, understood?" said a third guard.

Mr. Cake's mind was swirling, as was his entire world of what he thought was considered to be normal. Heck, even [censored] was secretly involved with the royal guard somehow. If even she was involved with them, what would that say about him as a stallion if he refused this offer? Not only would he be stuck in this boring room with these guards until he finally said yes, but he would also be sacrificing his own stallionhood if he would back down where even [censored] dared not back down. Finally, what would Mademoiselle Cheerilee make of all this? What would he tell Mademoiselle Cheerilee if he refused an offer similar to [censored]'s with the royal guard?

Reluctantly, nervously, and knowing he knew better, Mr. Cake broke the pandemonium in the room with three words. "I'll do it."

Agent D. Hooves here, yet again, saying that this pretty much sums up this document. I hope those censors weren't too distracting from the actual meat of the information though! I guess I'm supposed to say that if you somehow recognized the censored pony in this document, that you are not supposed to tell anypony about this. For several reasons. One, it would endanger that pony, two, it would get you kicked out of being an informant and all, and three, it just plain makes you look like a creeper pony if you actually know a pony by their look and personality even though you've never actually met them before, and we wouldn't want you to be seen as a creeper pony!

Anyways, that's all for now. Until next time, recruits!

Stay informed!

Agent D. Hooves.

I hope you won't mind my interruption, 'informants'

Well if it isn't the royal guard's new recruits trying to gather information on this old, old story. Oh, this is so boring, and such a pain for me.

I'm sorry, allow me to introduce myself. You can refer to me as Dr. D. And no, I'm not your friend Agent D either.

Now, where were we? Oh yes. This old story about your "Agent C" as you call him.

'sigh', this story really is drab, really grey in my opinion (no offense of course, "Agent D") and all I wanted was to stir a little trouble, being the mischievous instigator that I am. Of course, it was all innocent really, just no one seems to appreciate my sense of humor. Except for, of course, my ever so loyal Miss Screwball.

But that is all besides the point.

Why don't we play a game (Oh, I'm sure you haven't heard that one anywhere else. hm hm hm.)

Anyway, I just thought it would be fun if this... oh what do you call them... 'document', if you will, would be a little different. Besides, wouldn't you want to hear that your oh so loyal Agent D has been lying to you the whole time?

Hoho, why so cynical? I thought having just a little discernment was a value to you as much as it is to... well... most everyone, really. I only believed you'd want to hear about the way that you have been deceived. Besides, it's only natural that the secret agents of the Equestrian Royal Guard would have had Agent D lie to you on some occasions, isn't it? Think about it - they do have to twist some truths, don't they?

If you're coming around, and you're listening to what I'm telling you, then keep reading, because here's something Agent D won't tell you.

I want you to ask yourself something. Did your friend Agent D ever tell you why the Equestrian Royal Guard was actually sending you this information? Why in the world would such an organized organization send you this information? Good questions, fellow readers, because I, Dr. D, am here to answer them.

Picture it this way, if you will. The Royal Guard is on a mission. A dangerous mission. They come to realize that the threat of this danger far exceeds their capacity to control. The answer? A decoy.

Yes, a decoy. Throw some information into the system, and make the enemy go hunting for it. Make the enemy follow false leads. Disorganize the enemy, then defeat the enemy.

Fairly simple, and very commonly used, really. And justifiable for them to do, of course, except for one small problem. You are the decoy. While the Royal Guard is doing its job in protecting Equestria, you have been used as bait to keep the enemy away.

To be honest, I hate being used - and I would assume you hate being used yourself, don't you?

However, if you're still loyal to the Royal Guard, and your good friend Agent D, that is fine. But please do take the time to heed my words.

Regards,

Dr. "Chaos" D.

P.S.: You might be thinking this is the first and last time you'll ever hear from me. However, I do have ways of returning, even though I am a little 'stuck' right now, to say the least. You might say that the spirit of discord lives forever.

Anyway, I will be sure to add a little spice to some of your documents in the future. I might give my perspective on the situation, or I might tweak Agent D's writing style slightly from time to time. I'm sure it will be hilarious! I'm looking forward to making all of this a little more interesting.

Meanwhile In "Snowvakia"

Intercepted file #1

Hello again, informants.

Since you're still reading these documents, I'm assuming you didn't listen to me before. Oh, and how I had so wanted some trouble to brew from just a little... Miscommunication.

Anyway, what are these documents anyway? Hmm, the security here is more powerful than I expected...

Anyway, when I finished my last message to you all I decided that it was time to give you another perspective on this little story. Besides, what fun is there in a story if you don't know what we supporters of chaos had been up to all this time? Oh, and don't worry. All the information I'm giving you is completely harmless to me, since this was all over and done with anyway.

Besides, maybe you'll have a little more appreciation for us when this is all over. Who knows? (I still can't get over how panicked everypony looks back at the royal guard's headquarters. Priceless!)

/ / /

It was a dark and freezing night in... Snowvakia. A blizzard was blowing, like always, adding to the completely evil aura of conspiracy and evil masterminds.

And what could ironically be here in Snowvakia then a factory-like building with flood lights reflecting a nearly blinding light from off of the concrete walls. On the front of the building stood a large, iron door, with a wide tarmac road leading off to a nearby city.

It was here that a shady carriage approached, being brought by a pair of stallions wearing black shades. The carriage slowly came around and approached the mysterious building, broadside facing the iron door, as the two stallions stopped. Removing their harnesses, the two stallions proceeded to trot to the side of the carriage facing the iron door, standing at either side of a sinister, dark opening on the side of the carriage.

As if on queue, the large iron door slowly opened, the doors disappearing into the walls like in some kind of science fiction movie, revealing a red carpet and low-lit lights on the inside of the dark building. From behind the iron door trotted a blue, older teenage mare with frizzled hair and a grin plastered to her face, giving her a very sinister look.

Trotting up to the car, the frizz-haired mare knocked on the window. Right on queue, the window rolled down, revealing a shadowy figure on the inside of the carriage.

"I see you are here for the meeting?" spoke the frizz-haired mare.

The dark figure muttered something indiscernible before an awkward silence fell between the two ponies.

"Um, miss?" Asked the frizz-haired mare, her eyes slowly focusing in on whomever was inside the car.

"mmf-blrrf," was the response from the carriage.

"Is everything alright?" asked the frizz-hared mare, for the last time.

"BLEEBLE BLEEBLE BLEE!"

That... 'BEEBLE" was so uncalled for, so unexpected, that the frizz-haired mare jumped back several feet before looking in surprise at the car. Recollecting herself, the frizz-haired mare looked back at the carriage to see who had just jumped out at her from the car.

And who was it but that devious, clever, intelligent, diabolical, everything-but-good, diabolical, work of evil that was Miss Screwball, who was now standing on top of the frizz-haired mare, 'BLEEBLEBLEEBLEBLEE-ING" down at her in the most random and unexpected way known to pony-kind.

This, of course, pushed the frizz-haired mare over the edge, causing to her to bark like a dog and live the rest of her life mindlessly at the Equestrian Mental Institute after being escorted from the evil facility of sinister. If you feel compassion for this frizz-haired mare, please send donations in equestrian bits to the Equestrian Mental Institute where we are working for the betterment of Equestria.

Yes. Miss Screwball takes NOTHING from NOPONY, EVER.

This is what happens when you do something Miss Screwball doesn't like.

Anyway, after all of this happened a more serious pony entered the story to take the poor frizz-haired mare's place. His name is Red Velvet. Donning a crimson coat with a golden mane and tail, Red Velvet was known throughout the  underground Equestrian world as the smooth talker. The deal maker. The one who calls the shots. He was the criminal mastermind.

After leading Miss Screwball into the facility, Red Velvet and Miss Screwball entered a meeting hall with a long table, chairs sitting along it, and with two chairs sitting side by side by the end. Each chair (except for the two chairs sitting side by side at the end) had a pony sitting at them as well. Red Velvet and Miss Screwball sat themselves down at the chairs at the end of the table.

Well, sortof. Miss Screwball chose to hover upside-down above her chair while "Bleeblebleebing," instead of actually sitting down like any... Normal... Pony would.

After some coughs coming from one of the listening henchmen at the table, Red Velvet spoke.

...Hello? Are you seeing this?

Good, because we finally fixed up our facility after Discord's attack. Still repairing some, though, but... Hey, the muffin machine is up and running again so everything is okay!

Oh, and I picked up what Discord had wrote out earlier, and I wanna say... I have been keeping some information from you guys because this stuff is confidential and stuff, but I wouldn't lie to any of you - that would be reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally-times-infiity bad, cause that's falsifica... falsifi... well, whatever that is... of information! I could get fired! And then, no more muffins - that would be horrible!

But I've got some good news! We found out how Discord hacked the magic system in our facility, and now that's fixed too. Well, for the most part.

I mean, he won't be able to create his own documents (unless we want him to), but he could alter some which you're getting in some... mischievous ways. But don't worry! It shouldn't be that bad. I don't think...

Anyway, we're going to let you continue seeing what was going on with this... Red Velvet character. He sounds important, and we haven't heard of him before. Really! So now you guys are more than just informants for ourselves, but you're also getting the information for us too! Pretty sweet, huh?

"Ladies and gentlecolts,"

Everypony except Miss Screwball immediately gave Red Velvet their full attention.

"As you probably don't know right now," Red Velvet began, "we lost one of our mares to the silliness prowess of Miss Screwball, and as such I want you to pay Miss Screwball much of your respect."

Miss Screwball then began to spin around in circles, reciting the alphabet backwards.

"Miss Screwball is new to our team here at our sinister facility of evilness, and she deserves every bit of respect as me because I am nominating her as co-executive."

Miss Screwball finally sat down in her chair... But she was sitting down on her head.

"Miss Screwball is going to be a part of our new plan, our new cover-up. Because nopony in Equestria would ever guess that we would hire someone so..."

As Red Velvet trailed off, Miss Screwball started bouncing up and down in her chair while making farting noises with her mouth every time she landed on the chair cushion.

"Eccentric?" suggested one of the henchmen.

Red Velvet glanced back at the henchmen "I was going to say 'unfocused'."

"So what crime are we covering up?" Asked one of the other henchmen.

"The crime?" replied Red Velvet, "Well, I'll tell you, if you're too cannot for some reason remember. The crime we committed, was...