The Sign Says "No Lettering"

by Clean Karma

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1396

Princess Celestia gets a letter from Twilight...but it's not quite what she'd like to hear.

Princess gets a letter from Twilight bringing up a slightly personal matter. Problems and hilarity occurs along with Spike being caught in the middle somehow. Discord recommends the letters as good pass time for reading.

Published 2018-03-27 21:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-27 21:20:07 UTC

Twilight, everypony wants you to shut up.

Dear Twilight
I have received your letter and appreciate the sentiment but the statements you make in it I find quite...forthcoming. Not to say that you cannot speak your thoughts but the subject of the matter has me a bit exasperated. I believe you are right in some prospects but the one's you said were on the verge embarrassing. Not for you, but for me I'm afraid. So I write to you now to put those feelings to rest.

I do not need a husband. I hope you understand.

Your loving teacher
Princess Celestia.

Written, sealed, sent.

"..."

Fwoosh!

"Damn."

Dear Princess Celestia
Thank you for the quick response. I am actually very flattered that you were able to find time get away from your Sun duties and...other things, actually Spike take that out.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way Princess but I feel that you are being too against the idea. From what the ancient log books say you have more than one Husband in the past and I felt it necessary to bring up that maybe you should have another one. It was only a thought though I think there may be more to it due to your quick attempts to shoot down the possibilities. Remember that as your student I am here for you. You can tell me anything.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle.

Read, stored.
Pen and paper found.

Dear Twilight
Thank you for the concern but it really is a personal matter, and I would like to stay that way. I hope you understand but I really don't feel comfortable searching for a husband right now, nor a wife as my (ahem) barn door doesn't swing that way.

Please set the matter aside as I have.

Your Loving and Patient Teacher
Princess Celestia.

Written, sealed, sent.

"..."

Fwoosh!

"How does Spike write that fast!?"

Dear Princess Celestia
I do understand Princess but I do not want you to fall into another state of depression as you did when I broke the Discord statue that one time. You were lucky he can turn back to normal through his chaos abilities.

I know you do not want to discuss this further but it must be done! We don't have much time on our hooves. The perfect Stallion could be waiting for you right now and you would be disrupting harmony by denying him his right to your ~~chambers~~--cross that out--your love. I have a list that I have sent with the letter of possible stallions that you would be interested in according to their personality and uh...features.

Your Faithful and Pleading Student
Twilight Sparkle.

Read, stored.
Pen and paper found.

Dear Twilight
Though I do not wish to continue this argument much longer I would like to address one thing:
Why do you have Big Mac so low on the list of potential suitors. It's not like there is much wrong with him. I'm sure his...features...are as good as you say but he has a much better personality then you give him credit for.

What surprises me even more is that you have Flash Sentry at the top. Is this a matter I need to address? Actually, scratch that. Since we are delving into each others business I am going to say that yes, this Flash Sentry academic is a matter I need to address.

Your Loving and Patient Teacher
Princess Celestia

Written, sealed, sent.

"3...2...1..."

Fwoosh!

Dear Princess Celestia
Flash Sentry is NOT the topic of discussion right now. We are talking about your decline to yourself.

Now, why the sudden interest in Big Mac. You say he has a personality. I was unaware he had more then two words in his vocabulary.
Excuse me!
Shush Applejack, this is a matter of great importance. We need to figure out what's wrong with the Prince--
What do ya mean by not enough words in his vocabulary! This is an outrage! I hope your ready for the Apples to defend their honor!
Ugh...I'll handle that later. Anyway! Princess I hope you understand the dilemma we are in. You need a husband so you can stop acting liking an over protective mother like you do for me!

Your Faithful and Frustrated Student
Twilight

P.S. Hey there, this is Spike and uh...things are getting a little out of hand here so...could you maybe find away for messages to be sent differently. It's not that I can't do it or that it's hard but...have an angry mare send letters to another mare who might get mad at the letters being sent is sort of...dangerous per se.

"Ugh Spike, I am deeply sorry for you but this is a matter that may change the state of Equestria itself."

Dear Twilight
A bit of warning Twilight, when you train your number one assistant to write letters from what you say, don't say anything you don't mean to. You might as well just speak to me in the castle.

Also, thank you for starting the third Apple Redemption War. You do realize the first one was started because someone didn't like their apples right? Incidently the second was started because they spelled 'first' wrong on the their barn.

Now Twilight I am going to ask you to put this matter aside and think about the next letter you send. I have secrets hidden deep inside me that I'd rather not have to tell you and the girls, yes I know they are listening. Blame Spike for that (sorry Spike).

Your Loving and Desperate Teacher
Princess Celestia

Written, sealed, sent.

"..."

Fwoosh!

Dear Princess Celestia
You are trying to avoid the point of this discussion. You are blaming me for the Apple War that hasn't occurred, and blaming Spike for...well...he is kinda stupid.
Oh don't give me that look. It's not like you do anything besides organize and choke on the food you cook.
Anyways, Princess this has to stop. You are being a fool and I will not stand for it. Your acting (and I mean this respectively) old.

Your Faithful and Determined Student
Twilight Sparkle

"Okay bitch! You want to know the truth! The truth is what you get!"

Dear Shitface
I Spike choked on this letter as choking on pretty much everything is his special talent. Let's get him a cutie mark for that why don't we.

I Celestia, ruler of Equestria (only good ruler that is), Lord of the Sun, and your teacher proclaim that I have many a Stallion penetrate my pony plot due to the conjugations of marriage. I do so on a nightly basis if you must know. Being a fricken Celestial Being gives me a lot of stamina.

You wanna know why I took you in you little bitch? because you are Lunas Daughter! That's right, didn't expect that did you. Well chew on that thought for little while you cunt. Maybe you should ask Starswirl why he projected you into the future when you weren't even born yet. Yep, at least you can be happy your dad was Starswirl and not to asshats you have for parents.

Leave the matter of who goes to my chambers up to me. You have no bucking business knowing.

Twilight, everypony wants you to shut up.

Your Loving Teacher
Princess Celestia

Written, sealed, sent.

"There...Now that--"

Fwoosh!

"What the hell!?"

Dear Princess Celestia
Today I learned that when you want to feel better about your own problems, get a rise out of the ruler of Equestria

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Hello. Spike again. Please don't destroy Equestria or anything.

"Oh Twilight..." Princess Celestia sighed.

"I've taught you so well."

Author's Note

This actaully something inspired by two stories. You mihgt know one of them. It's similar but quite a bit different.
Hope you enjoyed this non-writing.