Twilight Sparkle awoke feeling like death. Scratch that, death would have been preferable to how she felt now. Have you ever been beaten up by a rotten egg? Well, that was how the purple alicorn felt this particular morning.
She opened one eye and closed it immediately, regretting the decision. Her mouth tasted like vomit and... cotton candy...? There was the curious smell of fish on her nostrils. "Fuck me," she groaned, holding her head as it felt like three Pinkie Pies exploded party cannons between her ears.
As if on cue, she heard the screechy voice blast in her ear like Neighagra Falls, "Again so soon!? Jeez, Twilight, give it a rest. And don't ruin your dashing look."
"Yeah yeah sure sure whatever, Pinkie." She closed her eyes and relaxed again. "Good night, fuck you later." She started to snooze, feeling the other mare's warm body press against her own. That stink... "PINKIE! Please tell me di- what are you doing in my bed!?"
"You, silly! At least I was. We were drinking last night, hit a few bars, went to the strip club and you were all like 'oh wow she's hot' and I was like 'well yeah' and you were all like 'I want a mare who can do that with her hips' and I said 'I can do that' so then you got up on stage with her and she kicked you off, so I took you home, we did some fun stuff-"
"Pinkie, just how much "fun stuff" did we do?"
"Oh, I don't know, I lost count after..." Pinkie Pie put up her four hooves and blew into them to make fingers. Twilight's stomach surged. Even without the roaring manticore in her head, this would have turned her stomach. Oh, Celestia, her mouth definitely tasted like vomit, cotton candy, and... apples? Oh, Celestia, no! "At least twenty-eight times. After that I got tired and had to tag out."
Twilight shuddered. "T-Tag out?"
"Duh, I'm not a beast, Twilight."
The princess gulped and asked, "So who took over after you?"
"Sup, babes," said a male voice. Twilight felt a tail brush her cheek.
"Spike! Why- What!? Get that thing out of my face!"
The dragon yawned and said, "You sure weren't saying that last night." He waggled his appendage at her cheek. She glared at him. "Awww, no good morning kiss for your favorite tail, my dashing mare?" He stuck the tip in her mouth.
Twilight blushed, fuming, "You- we- no! Get out of me and my bed! And why are you calling me dashing!?" They both just giggled as Spike withdrew his long thing.
"So I can stay?" Pinkie chirped.
"NO!" At her yell, her two companions deserted the bed quickly.
Small victories, now she could suffer a pounding headache and swirling stomach in peace. Twilight Sparkle squirmed and moaned. Her head was killing her, and her stomach felt like Discord had hosted a dance party inside it. Forget turning, it was more spinning like a gyroscope powered by Rainbow Dash. She covered her eyes with her wings and got a little more sleep. When she woke, she felt a little less like dogshit -- more like regular shit. She was hungry, her head was pounding, and lying in bed wasn't going to fix any of those things. She tried to move, but found herself unable to, as if something had congealed, gluing her to the sheets. The mare rocked, trying to get free to no avail. She groaned and felt around under herself. Something was on her hoof. She brought it up and for some reason licked it. She made a face."SPIIIIIIIIIIKEEEEEE!!!!!"
There was a sonic boom as a purple blur blew the castle's front door off its hinges.
The mare eventually worked free, begging Luna that this would never haunt her dreams. A quick burst of magic cleared her of the offending... secretion. She felt gross, but too hungry to care. Twilight made her way to the kitchen, praying nopony else would be there while she feebly shoved breakfast into her face. Unfortunately for her, it was not to be.
She could barely stand as she crawled down the stairs, groping blindly along the wall, her eyes shut to block the light, she groaned, "Dear Princess Celestia, if I survive this, I swear I will never drink again."
"See to it that you do."
"Celestia!?" The princess opened her eyes to find her kitchen occupied by Princess Celestia and Prince Rutherford, only the latter looking happy to see her, and her table smashed flat on his side. She tried to smile, only to give an expression more appropriate for Gummy snapping her ear. "Uh hiyyaaa...?"
Prince Rutherford thundered, "Dashing face pony princess, you yak w-"
Celestia silenced him with a wave of her wing. "Wait your turn, Prince Rutherford. Good morning, my most faithful student, and might I say you look dashing this morning." Did Celestia just giggle? And what was that vaguely fishy scent permeating everywhere since she'd awoken?
"Good morning," Twilight said to Celestia, "Can I help you?"
Celestia frowned and withdrew a scroll, placing it on the counter. Twilight immediately recognized it as a map of their continent, Equitania. She saw Equestria in the middle, but all the lines on the map were messed up. Celestia said, "I awoke this morning to over nine thousand scrolls demanding to know why in my mane there were foreigners storming over the borders and settling in the provinces."
Twilight gulped. "Yy-yeah, that's funny."
"Oh it's not funny, Twilight, hundreds are dead and thousands injured in rioting and skirmishes. And do you know what happened?"
"No?"
Celestia sighed, "You mean you couldn't hear it from the epicenter? Spectacular, you bang every single diplomat and head of state in the grandest orgy since Starswirl discovered the Love Cloud spell, and you can't remember any of it. Well, I hope you like the consequences as much as the action, because at some point in your debauched state, since everycreature was balls deep in you, why not let their states get balls deep in Equestria as a whole?" Twilight blushed fit to ignite. "Oh but I'm not done telling you yet, Twilight Sparkle. Every race agreed, except for one..." Her eyes drifted over to Prince Rutherford. "To bring the yaks into the fold, you-"
"Pony princess yak wife!"
"WHAAAAAAAT!?" Her magic flared, destroying the higher side of the table.
"Yes, pony princess promise open borders and thighs if yak marry. So yak agree. Like Pinkie Pie pony pussy. Want princess pony pussy," snorted the yak.
"I-I-I-I- but I- drunk -- and you... me?"
Rutherford smiled, approaching her. "And now Princess Twilight smash other half of table. Yak wedding complete-"
Celestia whispered into her ear, "Get ready to run."
"-and as wife and husband both smash table, we do as is tradition in post wedding Gekuntingshard!"
He stepped towards her. "What's "guh-cunting's-hard?""
"Yak and wife smash!" Prince Rutherford yelled, rearing up over the petrified pony. She saw every inch of what he meant, and understood Celestia's advice.
"No! No! No! No! No! No!" Twilight fled as fast as her four legs could carry her, not wishing to die impaled amidst the rubble of her kitchen.
"You good yak wife! Even play hard to smash! Yak love you lots and hard! Yak smash you extra!"
Twilight screamed and ran for her life.
She teleported to the first place with calm and peace that came to mind. She materialized in the parlor room of Fluttershy's cottage. The purple mare breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Fucking hell," she swore, collapsing onto the rug, her headache and queasiness returning in force after their brief acquiescence to more pressing survival concerns. Why did the cottage also smell like fish? Every single place she had been that day smelt of fish. The mare hid her eyes under her wings and shut them tightly, waiting for the spears of the sunlight to stop ravaging her eyes, for her head to quit pounding like Prince Rutherford wanted to do to her, and for her stomach to quit reeling like a border guard faced with a sudden onslaught of creatures convinced the border was no longer there. She clutched her stomach.
Then, just as things couldn't get any worse, she heard hoofsteps. She brightened -- Fluttershy would take pity on her and make her a hangover cure. "Hey, Twilight, you look simply dashing. And thanks for letting the Breeze blow on through you last night. I hope you enjoyed it as much as me. And thanks for not making me wear anything despite my uh diagnosis of extra texture so we could share more than just fluids."
Her eyes flew open. Her fur, ears, and wings stood on end. Fuck no. She bolted upright. There before her was Zephyr Breeze, saying that she and he'd... without protection... diagnosis... Oh no! Luna, Celestia, Cadance, herself, and Flurry Heart, no! The bile in her stomach trumpeted its victory. Twilight didn't even have time to express her disgust as she darted to the nearest bathroom and emptied everything she'd ever eaten in the last seven years into the toilet bowl. Twilight stumbled over to the sink after vomiting more than a half dozen times. She turned on the light and the water. She wished she hadn't.
She understood the dashing remarks and the giggles and the smell of fish.
All over her snout was the dried remnant of rainbow-colored fluids. And she'd been going around like that all day...
Before she even had time to try to wash them off, she heard the whole wall of the cottage be demolished. "PONY PRINCESS WIFE! IS TIME FOR GEKUNTINGSHARD! YAK MARRIED SMASH! YAK PUNY PONY PUSSY DESTROY!"
Twilight fled for her life, not wanting to suffer death by snu snu. There was only one place left to go. She ran through the town, to her castle, and leapt through the mirror.
Safe at last, and finally in the same dimension as some ibuprofen. She fell to her knees, panting in exhaustion and relief, her hands clutching around her breasts. Peace, quiet, and safety at last.
A shadow darkened her vision. She looked up to see Sunset Shimmer glaring at her. "There you are, Twilight. We need to talk. Now! And what's that on your face?"
"It's a long story."
"Too much booze?"
"Yeah."
"Figures. Let's get you cleaned up."
"Thanks, Sunset. Hey, can I ask you a favor?"
"What?"
"Can you close the portal for like a week?"
"Why?"
"It's a long story."
Author's Note
Thanks for reading something short, stupid, and funny I hope. I've had this lurking in my stories for who knows how long, only I could never figure out what to put into it. I just kinda winged it while talking to Sparky Brony and Samey90. I hope you found it enjoyable. Thank them for letting me spitball it at as I wrote it. If you aren't following and reading them, go do that, they're great writers.
I know I haven't put up anything since July, I'm sorry about that, I've just been going through a creative dry spell. Not to worry, I'm okay. I know lots of you are wondering when the next Nights In Pink Velvet is coming out. Not to worry, it'll be coming out this month before Christmas, and hopefully I can even get out a second one out by New Years. I'll make a blog post when I've got the initial draft and I'll give ya'll a teaser.
Lastly, can you believe this is the first non M rated story I've put up all year? Me neither, but it's true. Thanks again so much for reading and bearing with me through my silence.
Keep calm and brony on
Kalash93
