Burger King Hoof Lettuce

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1018

Twilight orders a salad at a newly opened Burger King in Ponyville, only to discover it tastes suspiciously like hooves.

Twilight orders a salad at a newly opened Burger King in Ponyville, only to discover it tastes suspiciously like hooves.

Based off of the meme, Burger King Foot Lettuce. Because I had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon.

Edited by James Fire.

Published 2018-07-07 20:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-07 20:20:06 UTC

Number Fifteen

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Twilight Sparkle was spreading friendship wherever she went.

At least, she had been.

It was but a mere fifteen minutes ago, the Princess of Friendship was at her local Burger King—the first one to have been opened in Ponyville, and one that she herself had been at the opening ceremony to. It was her that had cut the ribbon, and it was her that had the honor to order the very first meal there. She ordered a number fifteen: a salad with extra vinegar dressing. A colt who had to still be in high school gave her the order and she made her way back to her castle, trotting past a swarm of ponies that rushed into the fast food joint.

Back home, she sat down to have her meal. After a sole, single bite, Twilight spit the food out. It was terrible; low quality and tasted of something that made her stomach churn. She ran off to a nearby bookshelf, grabbing a six-thousand and fifteen page behemoth of a book off of it. She flipped through the pages as she rushed back to the table, running into several inadequate objects that cost her hundreds of bits to purchase, until she turned to the page that was needed at this very moment. It was then that she realized what she had tasted. That unmistakable flavor.

Hooves.

The distinctive taste of sweaty, fresh-off-the-market horseshoes was crammed into the dressing-coated lettuce. Twilight slammed the book down onto the table, shattering part of it. “Oops.” She lifted the book up and placed it gently onto the table and she turned to her meal. Her horn lit up and a magical aura surrounded the lettuce. Twilight narrowed her eyes, glaring angrily at the vegetable. Through the magic, she could see dirt particles on it, along with specks of dust. She cringed at the thought of another pony stomping around on such tasty veggies. The horror of what this pony could have done to the other food items at the restaurant.

It was just too much for her to handle!

“Hi, Twilight!”

Twilight dropped the lettuce, which landed on the table with a resounding lack of a sound, and looked to the doorway. Spike waved to her and finished up his gem burger. “Man, I don’t know how we went so long without a Burger King here!” He walked into the room and up to Twilight’s side. “Hey, what’s with the forensic lab setup you got going here?”

“Well, I’m very glad you asked!” Twilight grabbed the book off of the table and dropped it in front of Spike. “By using a spell made by Starswirl—one of the first ever made might I add—I’ve been able to discern this lettuce—” Twilight pointed a hoof at her salad accusingly— “was stepped on by an employee at Burger King!”

Spike glanced down at the book. “I see…” He looked up and rubbed his chin, narrowing his eyes. “May I ask how you know what hooves taste like?”

Twilight’s face went beat red, a few beads of sweat running down her face. “W-well, you see.” She coughed, and giggled. “I, uh… well, after Starlight became my student, I realized that I had the opportunity to, perform some experiments with a pony that I was close to.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “And so you asked her what hooves tasted like?”

Twilight stomped a hoof. “That’s not important!” she snapped. “If we don’t find out why my salad tastes of somepony’s nasty hoof, I’m going to have no choice but to file a complaint against the Burger King, and I will not have the tabloids on my back about how I’m suing the restaurant that I cut the ribbon for!”

“You could just report it to the manager,” Spike replied. “I’m certain that he’d be more than willing to listen to you.”

“But what if he was the one who stepped on the lettuce?!” Twilight shivered and gulped. “What if I have no choice but to taste every employees hooves until I find out who stepped on the lettuce!?” She collapsed to the ground, shaking. “So… many… dirty… hooves!”

Spike rolled his eyes and muttered some incoherent mixture of swears and wishes for aliens to abduct him under his breath. “Twilight, you’re being melodramatic.”

“I am not!” Twilight shot upright and took on an aggressive stance. “Melodramatic would be me fearing that the pony in question had runner’s hoof.” Her face stiffened and her pupils shrunk as the words exited her mouth. She danced in place, letting out an array of nervous cries. “Oh no, oh no, oh no, what if—what if it’s contagiou—”

Spike slapped Twilight upside the head, grabbing the bottom of her head and bringing her down to eye-level. “Twilight, it was Starlight that stepped on the lettuce.”

Twilight blinked, a nonchalant expression on her face. She took a step back and cleared her throat. “What?”

“Starlight stepped on the lettuce. It was a prank set up by Rainbow Dash,” Spike said. “Rainbow dared Starlight to do it because she knew about what you two had done. She could hear your, uh, ‘sounds’ outside and decided to have Starlight step on the lettuce since we all knew what you were going to order at the grand opening.”

Once more, Twilight’s face turned red as a tomato. “O-oh.” She let out a nervous laugh and sunk backwards, her legs shaking wildly. “I, uh, I had n-no idea!”

“Sure you didn’t.” Spike turned around and exited the room, shutting the door behind himself.

Twilight dragged herself onto the couch and stared blankly at the salad bowl. A smile crept onto her face. She levitated the bowl over and picked up the lettuce. “Oh, Starlight, I knew it was you all along,” she said, holding the vegetable in her hooves with a lustful look in her eyes. She thrusted it into her mouth and chewed it, letting out a satisfied sigh as she swallowed it. “You taste so good…”