Your Money or Your Wife

by Gulheru

Rating: everyone
Tags: Shining Armor, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3041

When facing the fact that you owe taxes to your own government, it is good to be offered an effective repayment plan. And Shining Armor is lucky to... have a spare wife?

Prince-Consort Shining Armor is a stallion of honor and principle, law-abiding and diligent. So when he receives an urgent summon from the Imperial Tax Collector, he makes sure to comply as quickly as possible... even if not overjoyed to visit the Imperial Revenue & Customs.

Especially on the weekend which he wanted to spend with his wife and daughter.

Actually, speaking of tax collection and wives...

Idea, motivation and co-authorship – Copey.

Published 2018-04-01 19:20:11 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-01 19:20:11 UTC

Of Princes and Debts

Shining Armor trudged and slogged through the halls of his home.

Not that he had anything against them, nor any other feature of the Crystal Palace. The shine of the gleaming walls and polished floors usually helped to give him a boost. Neither did he mind seeing a reflection of his normally happy self all around him.

But today, the same halls just mirrored and multiplied his annoyance instead. For he found himself on the receiving end of the summons by one of his least favorite members of the Crystal Empire government.

Legal Basis, the Imperial Tax Collector.

True, it had been Cadance’s idea to hire him, and though Shining wasn’t too thrilled about the circumstances they had met under (trying to rob a ruling monarch while threatening their life isn’t something he’d ever advocate), he couldn’t deny the stallion’s effectiveness. Tax harvesting had initially risen from around seventy to eighty percent across the Empire’s districts in a fortnight, and was now up to a flat ninety-nine percent Empire-wide. The coffers bulged and creaked, never before having seen such a surplus of funds.

… and there was also the incident involving capturing a certain, rogue Changeling queen. Something Shining was not at all envious about, no…

So why, oh why would he ever dread visiting one of his most stellar, most professional, most determined…

… and most mind-numbing employees?

“Ugh.” Shining dragged his hoof down his face, standing in before the door marked ‘Imperial Revenue & Customs’. “Just reached his office, already feeling tired...” He took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”

With one last sigh, he entered, customarily abandoning all hope... as it was advised by the gossip of the courtiers, especially majordomo Divine Comedy.

The anteroom beyond felt like Shining had just stepped back in time. To the dreaded times. The high-school times. The steady ticking of the clock, omnipresent and ruthless, counted the moments until the final meeting with the principal. Until the passing of judgment for crimes Shining yet didn’t even know he had committed.

That’s how he felt, at least, and… Urgh, he realized he had begun to curl his tail between his legs.

But no. This time… this was something else. For some reason meeting the principal seemed almost trifling for him in comparison.

Shining looked about. There was a silver lining in this misery, however – the secretary, the clock’s “partner in law”, wasn’t at her post today. And Mrs. Hunt-and-Peck could cause a good measure of apprehension even in a stallion like Shining with her unforgiving stare of indifference.

Then again… was this actually beneficial? It was the weekend, after all. And Legal Basis never did overtime, for he believed it an unnecessary drain on the Empire’s funds to be paid for anything of the sort. The last time he did declare staying at the office after hours it was a ruse to entrap the said, certain Changeling queen…

… and even then Legal Basis did not accept the extra payment, claiming “community service”.

This time it was Shining who was to meet the Imperial Tax Collector when the office was formally closed.

… wait, was this some sort of a… staged, statutory coup?

No, no, not the time to succumb to legal insanity…

Gathering his resolve and steeling himself, Shining marched against the much-repelling door inset in the far wall, and knocked twice, ready to face the challenge as a Royal Guard veteran should.

“Enter.”

Legal Basis sounded like his usual, calm and professional self… and yet his, fraudulent in Shining’s honest opinion, kindness of voice was all but gone. It only made matters more... complicated.

The well-maintained door opened without even a squeak, giving Shining a view into a room that could, possibly, give Discord a nasty cardiac arrest. True, the mischievous Spirit of Chaos would possibly just conjure himself another heart or start utilizing his spleen or something, but the point stood. The space was devoted entirely to order and absolute control. It declared it. It screamed it. From the perfect piles of pristine paperwork, to the calculated, correctly cut cupboards.

And amongst it all sat the pony.

Legal Basis glanced from above a stack of documents he was checking. The stare of his cobalt, keen and yet somehow dead eyes was singular.

“Welcome to the Imperial Revenue & Customs, Prince-Consort Shining Armor, I have been expecting you and I am overjoyed you could join me on such short notice. Please, take a seat.”

Shining cocked an eyebrow. He didn’t sound overjoyed. Then again, some rumors suggested delight was a feeling alien for him. Or that he had his own, perverse and constitutional, variation of it.

“Your message said you had urgent news for me, Mr. Basis. Is there time to sit down?”

Perhaps Shining was being a impolite with his tone… but he was talking to the stallion that, once, threatened his beloved with the phrase: “Your money or your life.”

He was expecting to hear this traditional mannerism soon enough himself, actually. And if he was to withstand being in this office, he felt like he needed to establish some space for himself.

A hoofhold, if his training had anything to say.

Legal Basis put down his quill, raised his head and put his forehooves together neatly on the stainless desk, assuming juridical attack position, it seemed.

“Trust me, sir, any instances of painfully slumping onto the floor can be aptly avoided that way. I loyally advise you to sit down, considering the reason of our hurried meeting.”

Shining felt an unpleasant tingle down his spine. It spelled danger as it was crossing his fifth vertebrae.

He crossed the small gulf between himself and the desk and took his place on the awaiting chair, on perpetual guard.

He waited patiently a longer while as Legal Basis across from him moved his current set of papers aside, with the speed and precision of a bureaucrat... only to replace them with a substantially thicker folder. A dull thump emanating from its weight hitting the desk made Shining narrow his eyes.

This already appeared like a threat. He needed to face it with the skill and pride of the former Captain of the Royal Guard.

… especially since the said folder had Shining’s own name on its front, in pristine, treacherous cursive.

Legal Basis put his hoof on his weapon of choice before beginning. “As you are surely aware, sir, my duty as the Imperial Tax Collector is to investigate, count, quantify, discern, track and so on and so forth... the travel of money and funds into, through, and out of the Crystal Empire.”

“I am aware of that, Mr. Basis,” Shining immediately retaliated with his own professionalism.

It made Legal Basis finally smirk, but it was not, in any way, a sincere expression. “Of course, sir. You are, I presume, also aware that, in accordance to the Revenue, Customs, Tributes and Contributions Act Anno Adamantis 843 nopony is above an Imperial Tax Collector’s control, authority and due diligence. Not even members of the Imperial Court.”

Shining frowned. Wherever dangerous place this was going… it wasn’t going there fast enough. But, that was a thing with Legal Basis, apparently. It was his tactic, to dull one’s focus and then strike with legal certainty.

Shining had to be ready for that.

His adversary continued in the meantime. “Since my instatement in this honored position, I have been going through the records of the Imperial Revenue & Customs. It goes without saying that everypony in the Empire must be scrutinized to ensure that each and every bit traversing the imperial coffers is legitimate and heads where it should.”

“That is all… fascinating, Mr. Basis, but still does not explain my presence here… nor renders me close to hitting the floor,” Shining admitted, breaking the lecture with another, preemptive counterattack.

“Very well, sir,” the stallion replied stoically, unflinching despite Shining’s own maneuvers. “Three nights ago, I came across a rather glaring discrepancy within the possessed records, noticed easily due to the recently completed annual census.” He produced a sheet of paper from Shining’s file. “Sparing you the inessential details, sir, as you clearly wish to hear the point, the Crystal Empire has, as of this day, five thousand nine hundred and twenty one resident taxpayers that are not exempt due to age, income, impairments.”

And then... there was silence.

Shining knew it well. It was the one before the main offensive.

“Yes?”

“The records of the Imperial Revenue & Customs have files on five thousand, nine hundred and twenty taxpayers,” Legal Basis stated dryly. “One is missing.”

“I see, Mr. Basis,” Shining replied, leaning back a little. “I presume you are in need of finding the one pony in question and I can assist you?”

“You can, indeed, assist me, sir.”

Suddenly, and without any declarations of ill-intent, Legal Basis rose on his forelegs, looming over Shining Armor like a terrible, merciless shadow.

“It’s you.”

Shining saw many threats in his life. He even succumbed to a few. But he faced them all with bravery and dutifully, as was expected by a Royal Guard…

...but never before had he faced a creature like an Imperial Tax Collector. And it was a terrifying sight.

He pressed himself into the back of the seat, giving himself as much space as he could to regroup. But training never mentioned how to deal with a, clearly and discernibly, wrathful functionary!

The squeak which escaped Shining was definitely non-military. “What do you mean ‘me’?”

Still monumental and commanding, Legal Basis declared, with a voice that could slay lesser ponies. “You sit accused of tax evasion. You have no file. No tax forms, no receipts, no paychecks. Not even a pension plan.”

Shining, eyes blinking one after another, tried to shake himself out of the suppression that Legal Basis’ assault caused him, attempting to comprehend the sight and the words.

“N-now hold on a minute! That can’t be right,” he protested.

“You implicate deception, sir?”

Shining’s mind routed immediately from that route. “But… but e-ever since my marriage, my assets have been linked with, with that of Cadance! She… she has a pony who deals with all of that, Mr. Shell Company!”

Legal Basis cocked an eyebrow. He sat down and leafed through a few papers, which allowed Shining to take a panicked breather. “Mr. Shell Company is a diligent administrator, never missing one document. And yet I have nothing here. So, either he was never informed nor ordered to process your paperwork, sir... you were misinformed… or you misinformed him.”

“I would never—”

Shining wished to protest, but one glance of those dead and keen eyes was enough to silence him.

“You haven’t paid any taxes since your wedding, sir, I would be cautious about declarations of deniability or transparency of intentions. I have trawled through all I could find on your calls and obligations, Prince-Consort Shining Armor. From what I have been able to piece together, based on the records provided from Canterlot and what hints I could find here, would you like to guess the amount which you owe?”

A sudden sound startled Shining… but then he realized it was just him swallowing loudly.

“No.”

“One hundred thousand bits, in excess.”

Legal Basis was right… he was right to tell Shining to sit down, for, there and then, he would have slumped down onto the pristine floor like a puddle.

He even babbled like a fish stuck in one. “B-but… but… but I…”

“Now, I am well aware you don’t have that kind of money in your possession, sir, even in your current position, I already have gained full access to your bank account.”

“Th-then how—”

Legal Basis, without missing a beat, pulled out two sets of documents from the file, already prepared. “Legally speaking, we would have some options going forward. The ability to declare bankruptcy, throwing oneself at the mercy of the courts, for example. However, given your title and position, sir, I don’t believe that would be feasible. Nor regal, if I can allow myself to make such point.”

Shining shook his head violently enough to hear a crack in his neck. Anything like that would mean being hanged, drawn and quartered. Metaphorically, for by the media, but the pain was the same.

The Collector continued. “Hence why, the only choice is, actually, as follows.” He tapped the papers on the left. “A repayment plan. A steady amount taken directly from your account, a hundred and twenty months, some eight hundred thirty-three bits plus interest a month.”

Shining gritted his teeth. That was not a small sum to begin with, not to mention that it meant ten years of obligations. “I… see,” he groaned out.

“Well, I see that you are not convinced by this proposition, sir. Thankfully, I believe I have an interesting, quicker and much easier solution to help you out in your difficult position,” Legal Basis claimed.

A position that he, himself, put Shining into… but there was no way of winning this battle. There was only a chance of minimizing losses.

“I’m listening, Mr. Basis.”

A hoof landed on the other pile of papers. “I have been doing some research in my spare time, sir…”

He was doing legal research in his spare time?

“It seems that the Crystal Empire still possesses a number of old laws that were never repealed with newer regulations. Most of those already became obsolete, no longer in effect even through custom and praxis… but, there is a regulation in effect, promulgated during the reign of King Sombra, that, as it happens, still has potential usage.”

Shining’s heart raced and his eyes widened. “King… King Sombra?”

“Indeed,” Legal Basis continued without as much as a blink. “The Grim Harvest Act Anno Umbrae 2. It treats about alternative forms of repayment of debts owed to the Empire. Both due or arbitrary ones, I admit, but I shall focus on the first type. It allows a stallion to repay any substantial ‘score’ to the Empire and its ruler by offering up a mare they are currently married to.”

Shining sprang up from the chair, toppling it, his very shout almost sending the paperwork flying.

“What?!”

Legal Basis but smiled calmly, taking out a tissue from the desk and nonchalantly swiping a little bit of spit that stained the desk. “Indeed. A rare precedence, but entirely applicable, as it happens. The discerned value of said mare, at the discretion of the ruler of the Empire, or an official handling debts of said kind, is subtracted from the owed amount and can even pay it in full. The marriage is considered annulled and the mare is transferred to the ruler or the official, leaving the stallion free of his burden. More than one kind, I suppose some would say.”

Shining couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His eyes were darting from one set of documents to the other faster than he could think possible.

It might have been a small epileptic attack, actually.

“As I would the one obtaining the mare, I would say that Her Majesty Princess Mi Amore Cadenza would be, without a doubt, worth the entirety of your debt, sir. If you would only sign the document here, the owed amount shall be entirely paid,” Legal Basis stated, gently pointing at the correct page. “And with any and all interest too, I calculate. Or, you can choose the other option, though it seems more complex and tiresome.”

The stallion took the two, proper papers and slid them in Shining Armor’s direction.

“To put it simply, sir... Your money or your wife.”

Eyes now as small as pinpricks, with all the training that the Royal Guard had given him, and with speed that would put the Wonderbolts to shame, Shining lunged across the desk. His objective – the repayment plan. Grabbing Legal Basis’ own quill with his magic, he flew through the pages, his initials adorning every single one, and his signature, in frightened font, right where the dotted line was.

So quickly that, one could say, it could have been an Academy record.

Shining pretty much threw the deal back at Legal Basis.

“My money!” he screamed like a mad miser. “My money, always!”

The other stallion smiled and this time his expression was sincere. “I am very glad that we have reached a positive conclusion. Allow me to say as well, Prince-Consort, that I am uplifted and encouraged by the purity of your affection towards Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”

Panting like after a whole day of training, Shining swiped his brow. “Thank… thank you, Mr. Basis. Just… please, please, please don’t tell Cadance any of this.” he whined. He begged, actually.

Legal Basis simply skimmed through the paperwork, checking it, and rather happy with it tapped it a few times.

“I... don’t know about that, sir.”

Shining inhaled sharply. “Why… why not?!”

“Well, sir, I think she would be quite impressed with the donations you have just agreed to grant to an Educational Program I have been searching funds for…”

Something creaked and crunched in Shining’s brain, his head tilting to the side on its own. His lips had to mumble without support.

“I-pardon-wha-huh-me?”

“Indeed,” Legal Basis affirmed. He grabbed the first page of the document and presented it right before Shining’s eyes.

It read: “Promise of Donation”.

“The Educational Program shall be directed at mostly foals, as well as young adults, and will consist of a number of basic lessons in dealing with Imperial administration as well as proper, legal conduct. Lesson one: reading a document before signing it, no matter, as it is informally said, 'what malarkey a paper-pushing peddler is selling you’.”

And then the rarest of rare events in time immemorial transpired.

Legal Basis leaned back... and let out a chuckle.

“That will be all, Prince-Consort. Thank you for your time.”

Author's Note

Just a little something, because it was too ridiculous not to just go for it!

Many thanks to Copey for the idea and aid in the creation of this tale – give the man some love!

I hope you have found a smile thanks to this tale!

Stay tuned,

~Gulheru