Of Everyone You Could Have Picked

«Hallo? Cook familie, Michael snakker.»

Dad’s voice rang out like a beacon of light in the darkness that was this situation. They went back to Oslo a bit after I got my first stable job, having finished up their mission of raising kids in the US, the only reason that they went in the first place.

«Pappa, jeg kunne miste telefonen tilkobling ganske snart.» I hadn’t actually spoken to my parents in two or three years, which means I got incredibly rusty, but that should mean “I’m about to lose phone service”. Seemed to get the idea across, though.

“Tycho?” Dad’s thick accent didn’t help the frankly awful phone audio quality. “What for?”

I didn’t explain. Instead, I just reassured him everything was fine, and that I’d call back when I got phone service again.

Essentially giving whatever god exists carte blanche to make sure I never get to call him again. I’ve heard stories that started this exact way where the protagonist never got to see their families again. I’m really just glad I got to say goodbye, since many don’t.

We caught up on the last two years, talked a little more, and hung up with a simple «Ha’ en god dag». Formal, but it worked.

It occurred to me as I was stretching a wing and playing with my claws that I hadn’t heard Rainbow today. “Ah well,” I figured, “she’ll show up when she does.” Until she did, I fiddled around with the Dot, practicing the solo from Electric Eye. Eventually I got it in one take, but it didn’t come easily.

Right?

Oh, there she is. I already feel like I’ve been married to her for twenty years. “Didn’t hear you,” I said as I failed to hit an E minor. Frustrated, I… quickly but gently set the Dot down, and went to make a sandwich. “Repeat yourself,” I clarified after Rainbow said nothing.

Tuna. Havarti. Tomato. Rainbow Dash rattling off a question in my ear, although I didn’t hear “right” this time. “Yes, that was another language. No, I won’t teach you it unless there’s a good reason for it. Hell, I’d have to learn it again myself. Although having said that it’ll probably come up.”

I eyed up the .308 rifle in the corner longingly. It wasn’t nearly as good as it was in the US in part due to the fact I had to leave behind my 20 round magazines for some 10 round magazines. Any other day to relieve stress I’d accumulated through the week, I’d go out to the shooting range and fire off a couple of shots, maybe getting one or two dirty stares from old people who remember M14s (in my case the Springfield-branded clone) as “the gun the people we don’t like use”, but generally not attracting any attention.

I can’t do that right now, at least I don’t think. There’s a common joke about how Russians are completely insane… but I think gryphons just showing up to shoot at some paper with one of the quintessential American guns would attract some attention. Wasn’t about to test my luck, in any case.

Boring. That’s how anyone could describe the day I was having. Other than that solo, I can’t say I did anything of note other than cycling the action of my trusty “old” (although, really, it was built in 1990) M14 134 times while waiting for things to happen.

Things eventually happened.

==========

It should have been simple (if strenuous and incredibly long of a process) to find and return Rainbow Dash.

That wasn’t the case.

Instead, I ended up getting a weak positive signal from one particular place but it would disappear not long after I find it. In its place was a weak negative that still contrasted from the strong negative of the area. It would seem like that was what I was looking for, but that negative that the signal would devolve into made me second guess.

So I took it to Celestia. After all, who better at magic than Literally God™? After reassurance and dismissal, I went to sleep. I just wanted to get her back, and pretty obviously Celestia did too.

==========

You get two days, pack up and grab onto your stuff because you’re going on a ride.

Not the same voice. Not Rainbow. This was a different person. Given the fact they’re in my head too I have no reason not to believe them. Typically I’d especially not believe them if they were just in my head, but after this last two weeks, I’ve learned to trust my head on things because things are weird enough that I should just stop thinking about it these days, that or that I’m completely detached from reality by now.

Either way I just had to roll with it.

While I was still awake I threw together a backpack with just necessary stuff. .308—with the scope I never use thrown in just in case, plenty of rounds, flask, flashlight, three small notebooks and five pencils, folding pocketknife, handgun that legally I’m definitely not supposed to have, rounds for that, aspirin, camping stove, three boxes of strike-on-box matches, rope, and any little bits of metal I could find. Anything I’ve forgotten I can fit in there the morning of the last day.

Got nagged with questions from Rainbow. Mainly because I forgot to tell her what a gun is.

What’s that big thing, and what’re you bringing it for?

Do those little things go in there?

Why bring kopecks? Equestria doesn’t use roubles.

And on and on the procession of question went.

Called it a day after that. God did this make me appreciate sleep, even if I couldn’t do it. Absence, after all, makes the heart grow fonder.

Except for Rainbow. I still resent her but her being me half the time means I have to be nice to her just so she does things like go to the store.

Rainbow woke up and stayed in to watch the show a bit more. I can’t say I blamed her, but I learned to just shut myself off during this since it can get a bit tedious after the first hour.

Two days later, it was time. Rainbow was brought up to speed on everything she needed to know about, and I was touching everything I wanted to take with me.

==========

“Last time I heard of something like this happening was… 858 or so, right?” Twilight asked to nobody in particular, though towards Celestia. “How is it that suddenly all these things we’ve been around for, most of which haven’t happened for centuries, all happened at nearly the same time?”

Celestia, being the patient and caring person she is, paid just enough attention for the idea of the year 858 to stick in her mind. She brought over Rainbow and the gryphon, separating them in the process.

So why weren’t they there?

After not even a second, she projected a view of 858. They were there, unconscious.

“We’re screwed, aren’t we?” Twilight asked, smacking herself.

Celestia blinked.

“...yes. I’ll try to get her back but it won’t be as easy when she moves around all the time. I’d just tell her or the man she’s with to stand still but it’s spotty when that works when time travel is involved.”

“Well, she’s unconscious now, can’t you do it?”

Shut eyes, not a good thing with that expression. “It takes two d—”

All of a sudden, the castle doors flew open. “We’ve got troops marching up to Appleloosa!”

Troops? She didn’t have any enemies. And if someone did take Appleloosa, that would be, to say the least, bad. Since this was a guard, she asked for more information.

“As far as we can tell, ma’am, our Southern neighbors built up courage after the bloody revolution, and the new regime’s calling for expansion. They should have listened to me. I said it wouldn’t even be a month.”

Southern neighbors? The only things southern to Appleloosa are Arimaspi's Territory and the Badlands. “Make it worse for me,” she asked, “I don’t have enough things on my plate with these recent developments.”

“Si—er, ma’am,” came calling the much younger stallion behind him, “we’re pretty sure the new leader has some pretty good magic. Hoofdini has nothing on him. As in, you’d better assemble the rest of the Elements right here, yesterday. Plus the footsoldiers are issued spears and thirties, much more reliable than what we’ve got.”

Thirties? She’d have to make a note to ask him as soon as she could. She looked at Twilight, who didn’t have any answers for her either.

She had more than enough things on her plate.

She didn’t need Rainbow Dash to move. In fact, the opposite would have been very nice right now. This was going to be the worst year of the decade, probably.

1020: the year we fucked up.

==========

When I came to, I noticed I was still on top of my stuff. Cool. Even cooler (bad shippers!) was what I saw in the distance. Rainbow Dash lay in a clearing just yards away from me, bleeding but nothing that won’t heal up with a bandage, which I grabbed out of my stuff and wrapped around her injuries. I’m an asshole, not a bad person.

Satisfied that she’s not going to bleed to death, I left the backpack with her and wrote “Went to explore, will be back soon. Use the pocketknife if you have to, I highly doubt you can use the handgun.” in a notebook that I left in the bag. With that explanation done and over with, I took the M14, a small pouch, and a fresh notebook and a pencil and headed off into the wilderness.

Not much but jungle. On the way I took note of how everything looked just about the same as it did back home, other than the fact everything’s a different species. Nothing looked like a cartoon, which made sense since it wasn’t a cartoon. At the very least it was hallucinations, and those have no restrictions based on reality.

I looked the gun in my hands over once more. 10-plus-one rounds and another magazine on my person, with a beautifully finished stock with reds that popped out and contrasted with the black handguard. One of the best investments I had ever made.

“Nothing out approx. one mile west.”

With that I turned south, taking just a couple of steps before I heard something between a blood-curdling scream, a growl, and an earthquake, before the mass that made the sound charged toward me full speed. The beast was a hulking mass of scales and exposed flesh, in some ways blue and in some ways peach. Scarcely an eye on the thing, the whole front end seemed to be a mouth. Still, I readied, aimed, and fired. Five rounds of supersonic .308 tore up my ears but more importantly tore up the beast’s head, at least what I assumed to be its head, even worse. It didn’t get back up, that’s for certain.

I knew I should have felt something, other than the fear I felt before filling the beast’s head with steel. Maybe guilt, maybe regret, but ultimately neither came.

“Quick note: Towards the south be monsters!”

I got a couple more paces at a sprint before I felt that sound once again, from another beast that was less dead. At that point, I knew precisely what to do to my imaginary pants.

==========

Rainbow woke up just before the second round of shooting happened. The six rounds cracked in the air from seemingly lightyears away but at the same time just right next to her, they were so loud.

Coming up near her was a stray hyena that figured she would be an easy pick given her injury. Though sluggish, she managed to get to her hooves and grab the knife in her mouth, waiting for it to make its move. Deciding she would be a tough meal, it walked away, keeping eyes on her as long as it could. She advanced suddenly to startle it and make it go away faster.

It complied, and not a moment to soon, as moments later she felt all the energy taken out of her.