Mare Do Well: The Movie - Part 1
“Oh, I’m so excited,” said Trixie as she looked at the large crowd of ponies. “And nervous. Nervicited?”
Lightning Dust sighed. “Trixie, please don’t make up more weird portmanteaus.”
“Wait, you actually know what the word ‘portmanteau’ means?”
“You keep making them, so I had to look it up to find out what the technical term for it was!”
“Ugh,” said Sunset. “How long until we get around to showing the movie?”
“Aw,” said Trixie. “You’re excited to see it!”
“More like I’m excited for this day to be over,” muttered Sunset.
“We are paying you to help,” said Lightning Dust.
“Yes, by the day. So if I’m done before the end of this day, I get paid the same amount as if my services are needed the whole day.”
“I’ve got a great idea on how to pass the time!” declared Trixie. “Let’s play a game of ‘telling each other things we already know.’ I’ll go first!”
“That sounds like the stupidest–” started Sunset before being interrupted.
“Lightning Dust and I are the creators of Mare Do Well, an exceedingly popular comic book series whose movie adaptation is being premiered here in Canterlot! It’s so popular that we ended up co-opting a large section of the city just so we could do an outdoor screening! Now you go! Tell us things we already know!”
“I’m not interested in this game,” said Sunset flatly.
“Ooh, you’re good at this!” said Lightning Dust.
“Greetings, loyal subjects!” announced a large changeling as she suddenly popped up.
“Hello, Chrysalis,” said Sunset, Trixie, and Lightning Dust unenthusiastically.
Like almost everything involving direct interaction with Chrysalis, this is going to be painful, thought Sunset to herself.
“Oh, you don’t need to be so formal,” said Chrysalis cheerfully. “We know each other well enough that there’s no need to call me queen! We’re all friends here; just call me Chrysalis!”
“But we did call you–”
“Anyway!” interrupted Chrysalis. “This game sounds absolutely delightful! I’ll play! My name is Chrysalis, and thanks to events that were actually quite silly in retrospect, I became queen of Equestria quite a while ago! I also have a 94–”
“A 94.2477796% approval rating, we know,” said Trixie, Lightning Dust, and Sunset simultaneously in a flat tone. They paused, looked at each other, then said, “That was weird.”
“Ha!” said Chrysalis. “That’s where you’re wrong! It’s up to 94.596% now! I showed them! They said that making a new holiday named ‘Nightmare Night 2: Electric Boogaloo’ was a dumb idea, but I showed them! ’They’ and ‘them’ mostly being Luna, of course.”
The three stared at Chrysalis.
“I see you share my disappointment that they’re rounding off the percentages earlier than they did previously,” said Chrysalis. “Although, now that I reflect upon it, I lost the game because I told you something you didn’t know. But seriously, what’s a girl have to do to reach 95%?”
“Have you considered that a significant portion of that remaining percentage is anypony you’ve personally interacted with, and if you were less irritating in person, you might clear 95%?” said Sunset in an annoyed tone.
“Nope!” said Chrysalis cheerfully. “Never occurred to me. Probably never will, either.”
I was right about this being painful, thought Sunset to herself.
“Anyway,” continued Chrysalis, “where’s the rest of your little clique? You know, Suri, Flim, Flam, Gilda?”
“Oh, we just hired them to do other parts of the work,” said Lightning Dust. “Flim and Flam suggested doing a musical number about all of them working, but that went a bit over budget so we skipped on it.”
“So what is it you’re working on here anyway?” asked Chrysalis.
“How do you not know?” said Lightning Dust. “Ignoring the fact we just said it, we had to get your approval to hold this whole thing in Canterlot!”
“I just want to make sure I’m remembering things correctly,” said Chrysalis. “I don’t want a repeat of that incident where I showed up at a funeral thinking it was a graduation party. It got awkward quickly.”
“You know what?” said Sunset. “I have things to do. I’ll see you lot later.”
The three watched her walk off. “So!” said Chrysalis. “I, for one, am hoping the songs in this movie will turn out to be good.”
“Well, it was a little odd to include them considering there aren’t songs in the comic,” said Trixie. “But I think the songs in the film turned out pretty well. We even had a lot of pop stars write extra songs for us!”
“Oh, really? How were they?”
“Actually, most of the ones written by the pop stars were pretty terrible,” said Trixie, “so we just stuck a few at the end of the film and then put the rest of them on the soundtrack instead of using them anywhere in the movie.”
“Since when were you so interested in Mare Do Well anyway?” asked Lightning Dust.
“Are you kidding?” asked Chrysalis. “I love Mare Do Well! Her sidekick being a changeling has done wonders for changeling representation in media. Did you know that prior to that, there were essentially no changelings in mass media?”
“Maybe that’s because nopony knew changelings existed until you became queen!” said Trixie.
“Oh, come now,” said Chrysalis in a dismissive tone. “Let’s remember how it went. I revealed myself at the wedding, blasted Sombra with all that built up power to cure his speech impediment, and then he decided to quit being king to become an opera singer and made me queen. Thus the reveal of changelings existing occurred several minutes before I became queen! Get your events in the right order!”
Lightning Dust and Trixie sighed. “Experience tells me that asking you questions tends to lead to regret,” said Lightning Dust, “but I do want to know. What are you even doing here anyway?”
Chrysalis stared blankly at Lightning Dust. “You do realize I live in this city, right?” she asked bluntly. “A big event like this would generally warrant my attention.”
“No, I mean, why did you come up to us in the first place?”
“Oh, right,” said Chrysalis. “I was looking for Luna. Have either of you seen her?”
“No, not recently,” said Lightning Dust.
“Darn it!” said Chrysalis. “How long does it take for her to find a hydrodynamic spatula with port and starboard attachments and a turbo-drive?”
“Why in the world do you need that?” asked Lightning Dust.
“My previous one broke,” said Chrysalis with a shrug.
“How does Luna put up with working for you?” wondered Trixie.
“Mostly the dental plan,” said Chrysalis.
“Dental plan?!”
“It’s a really good dental plan,” said Chrysalis.
“You were right about that asking questions thing,” muttered Trixie.
Cadance approached the group. “Oh, there you are, Chrysalis. I was looking for you.”
“Cadance!” said Chrysalis as she turned to her. “First, I’d like to apologize again for that whole ‘locking you up and brainwashing your fiancé in order to try to further my own goals’ thing.”
“That’s fine, but–” started Cadance.
“Because that was not okay!” declared Chrysalis. “I may pull pranks sometimes–”
“Only sometimes?!” asked Lightning Dust and Trixie incredulously.
“–but that was going too far,” finished Chrysalis, ignoring their outburst.
“You already made up for that by giving us the Crystal–” Cadance tried to say before being cut off again by Chrysalis.
“As a result, I insist on trying to earn your forgiveness by–”
“CHRYSALIS, IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN MY FORGIVENESS, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!” screamed Cadance in an uncharacteristically undignified manner.
“Okay,” said Chrysalis.
Cadance sighed heavily before continuing. “As I was trying to say, the Crystal Empire just ran into a really big issue, and I came here trying to see if I could get some kind of help with it.”
“Have the giant crabs invaded?” asked Trixie.
“No, they haven’t shown up again,” said Cadance.
“Well, then what’s going on?” asked Lightning Dust.
“You know,” said Discord, “if you keep making that face, it might get stuck that way.”
Twilight didn’t cease her glare. “If we get out of there, you’re getting banished from the Crystal Empire for twice the length of the last time you got banished thanks to that whole Smooze business.”
“Oh, please, Twilight,” said Discord. “It was an honest mistake. Could’ve happened to anyone.”
“Mistaking the Crystal Heart as a giant piece of candy and eating it?”
“Exactly!” said Discord. “It looks just like a really big piece of those heart-shaped candies! Not my fault that it looked like that. Though I will accept a little blame for my powers previously getting dramatically weakened due to an accident involving a genie and a robot a while ago and thus not allowing me to just snap my fingers and solve the whole thing.”
Twilight continued glaring at him.
“Don’t worry,” said Discord. “In the off chance we survive this, you’re going to look back at this one day and laugh.”
“Well, that does sound serious,” said Chrysalis. “I–”
Suddenly, the sky darkened. “Huh,” said Lightning Dust. “I thought we weren’t doing this until we started the movie?”
A large airship emerged from the clouds and began to descend onto the city, flattening the large movie screen on the way. “I have a feeling our premiere is going to be cancelled,” said Trixie sadly. “Chrysalis, do you think–”
Chrysalis wasn’t listening to Trixie, however, instead focusing all of her attention on the airship. “Here?! Now?!” she said. She turned to Lightning Dust and Trixie. “Okay, listen up. I need you to find Luna right away, and tell her it’s a Code Blue… Code Green? Um… Code Cyan. Tell her it’s a Code Cyan. And if things don’t work out, get the queen of the Hippogriffs to help.”
“What is–” Trixie started asking.
“JUST DO IT!” Chrysalis screamed at the two before turning to Cadance. “I could use your help on this. I’ll explain on the way!”
“Well, Chrysalis actually acted serious for once in her life,” said Trixie after Chrysalis and Cadance ran off. “That’s not a good sign. As for Luna… hrm. If I were a dark-coated alicorn who was the personal assistant of a constantly trolling yet somehow extremely popular monarch, where would I go when searching for that thing Chrysalis wanted?”
Lightning Dust and Trixie briefly considered the question, then looked at each other. “That place that sold the Alicorn Amulet,” they both said simultaneously. The two quickly sped off and ran into Luna just as she was exiting the store.
“Finally,” muttered Luna to herself. “I still don’t know why she can’t get the version without the turbo-drive.”
“Hello, Luna!” said Lightning Dust. “I’m not sure how important this is, but Chrysalis says there’s a Code Cyan going on? Is that–” Lightning Dust found herself interrupted by Luna suddenly dashing off. “Hrm, I guess it was important.”
“Maybe we should find the others in case something really big is going down?” suggested Trixie.
Meanwhile, the large airship had touched down after squashing the entire movie screen. A door in it emerged and a plank came out just as Luna ran up to it. Luna stood there as an odd, short-looking creature emerged from the door. He cleared his throat before saying, “Ponies of Equestria! We come on behalf of the fearsome, the powerful, the almighty… Storm King!”
Various ponies around started looking around worried. “You say ‘ponies of Equestria,’” said Luna. “What about the various other creatures that are here?”
The creature shrugged. “Meh. Anyway, to deliver the evil, evil message, put your hooves together for Commander Tempest!”
After this was stated, a dark purple unicorn missing part of her horn walked out, presumably the Tempest mentioned in the preceding paragraph.
“Uh… hello?” said Luna awkwardly. “Well, I would like to welcome you to Equestria on behalf of Queen Chrysalis of Equestria, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the–”
“Could you just skip to the point?” asked Tempest.
“But Chrysalis gets really upset if we don’t say the full title,” said Luna.
“I don’t care!”
“Fine,” said Luna. “I welcome you to Equestria on behalf of Queen Chrysalis, followed by a long string of titles we’re skipping. So, as noted, I would like to welcome you to Equestria… whoever you are. What is your name?”
“It was just stated my name was Tempest,” said Tempest.
“Oh, that was you?” asked Luna. “I’m sorry, I thought it might be some other Tempest. I take it that arriving among darkened clouds in a giant ship with what look to be soldiers is your culture’s way of saying you want to be friends. So, how about–”
“How about we start with your complete and total surrender?” interrupted Tempest in an impatient tone.
“Hrm,” said Luna. “I don’t think I have the authority to make such a decision. However, if you are willing to wait until Chrysalis shows up, I’m sure she would be wiling to provide an answer to your question.”
“Well,” said Tempest, “in the meantime, how about I launch an attack on you all?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to wait at least a little?” suggested Luna. “I’m sure she’ll be along soon enough.”
Tempest rolled her eyes. “You’ve got five seconds. Five. Four. Three–”
Chrysalis, followed by Cadance, suddenly skid up to Luna. “Hi!” Chrysalis said. “I know you’ve all been awaiting my presence, and I’m here! Queen Chrysalis of Equestria, First of her–”
“I’m done wasting time,” said Tempest. “Though it is nice to see all three of you here. Makes things easier. Here’s the deal, ladies, I need your magic. Give it up nicely, please, or we make it difficult for everyone.”
“You and what army?” asked Chrysalis.
“This one!” declared Tempest dramatically as two more airships suddenly appeared and descended. Various troops emerged from them and the one already there.
“That’s a good army,” observed Chrysalis. “How about an even better one? CHARGE!”
An enormous mixture of changelings and ponies dressed in armor ran onto the scene to engage with the troops that came from the airships. As all of the civilians made a point to scurry out the way, a massive battle with zero casualties and an impressively small amount of building damage resulted. After said battle concluded in a surprisingly short amount of time, Chrysalis’s forces (including Cadance, Luna, and Chrysalis herself) had won, with all opposing forces, save Tempest and Grubber, captured.
“Well, that worked out well enough,” said Chrysalis.
“Hrm,” said Tempest from the ship. “I take it you had advance warning?”
“Of the attack? Of course,” said Chrysalis. “It’d be downright stupid of me to not make use of changelings as infiltrators to see what my prospective enemies would be up to. It seems like it worked well enough.” She turned to Luna. “By the way, Luna, thanks for the stalling so I could get the army together. I’ll be sure to give you a bonus of some kind.”
“In my salary?” asked Luna.
“I was thinking more along the lines of a one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club,” said Chrysalis.
“Again?”
“Somehow the government ended up with 100 free subscriptions to the thing a few years ago!” said Chrysalis. “I have to give them out to someone. Anyway!” Chrysalis turned back to Tempest. “How about now I ask you for your complete surrender?”
“Hrm,” mused Tempest. “I’ll have to think about it. Grubber? Do your thing.”
“Oh boy!” declared Grubber in a cheerful voice. He then held up his arms and announced, “Alakazook!”
There was a large flash of white light that temporarily blinded everyone. When it cleared, all of Tempest’s soldiers were back on their feet and rejuvenated, whereas all of the forces on the side of Chrysalis/Cadance/Luna were either knocked out or captured.
“Ha!” said Grubber. “I bet you were all wondering why Tempest put up with someone like me! It’s because I totally have the power to, under extremely limited circumstances, completely reverse the course of a battle! Such circumstances include–”
Tempest covered Grubber’s mouth to stop him from talking. “Enough. Now, ladies, shall we get on with the giving up of magic?” Several small black double-pyramids emerged from the ship and floated menacingly next to her.
“Darn it, this is going to hurt my approval rating,” grumbled Chrysalis. “Oh well. RETREAT AND REGROUP!” She pulled out a smoke bomb and threw it at the ground, causing smoke to go everywhere, as smoke bombs have the tendency to do. Under the cover of the smoke, everyone ran off in separate directions.
“What a bother,” muttered Tempest as she jumped into the cloud and blasted it all away with magic. She thrust the aforementioned double-pyramids at the retreating Cadance and Luna, and despite their attempts to hold them away, they succeeded in coming in contact with the two and freezing them. “Chrysalis must be in disguise as one of these ponies that is running away! Grab as many as you can!” she commanded.
Elsewhere…
Flim, Flam, Suri, Gilda, Sunset, Trixie, and Lightning Dust all watched the results of the battle from a nearby hill. “Looks like Canterlot lost,” said Gilda. “I blame their general lack of guns.”
“We can’t use those things without fingers or claws!” said Suri.
“Sounds to me like that’s a fault on your end,” said Gilda.
“Well,” said Suri, “Equestria lasted what, at least a thousand years? I suppose that’s a pretty good run for a country. But it’s probably time to get the heck out of here now.”
“Right!” said Lightning Dust. “We have to find the hypnoglyphs like Chrysalis said!”
“Hippogriffs,” corrected Trixie.
“I meant get out as in find some other country to live in,” said Suri.
“Perhaps before deciding whether we should leave Equestria, we should make a point to get out of this city first?” suggested Flim.
“Good idea!” said Gilda. “Let’s go! I should go pick up Fat Man and Little Boy anyway.”
“Who?” asked Sunset.
“My favorite two rocket launchers,” said Gilda. “I left them back in Ponyville.”
“I’m not sure whether it’s more disturbing that you have nicknames for them or that you have so many you actually can have two favorites,” muttered Sunset.
Through a combination of running, hiding, and being able to get out before the villains managed to get to their area to begin with, the group was able to escape from the city, although without the benefit of “Escape From the City” by Crush 40 playing in the background.
“Okay,” panted Sunset, “I think we’ve gotten far enough away. Now what?”
“We head back to Ponyville, stock up on weapons, and then retake Canterlot and become heroes!” declared Lightning Dust.
“I kind of expect we’d need more than just us to take out an entire army,” said Gilda dryly.
“It usually works in the movies,” said Trixie.
“Okay, anypony have any intelligent suggestions?” asked Sunset.
“Well, thanks to the Crystal Empire being out of commission, that rules them out, along with Discord, Twilight, and Starlight,” said Lightning Dust. “We could try to find the Hippogriffs.”
“Do we even know where they are?”
“I think they live south of the Badlands,” said Gilda before eagerly adding, “Road trip!”
“Great,” said Sunset. “So yet again we get stuck with cleaning up some mess.”
“We do seem to have a surprisingly good track record at dealing with these sort of things,” said Gilda. “Even if it is sometimes by accident.”
“Let’s do it!” said Flim. “We might get a reward! I could use another year’s subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!”
“Ugh, fine,” said Sunset. “I guess it would be convenient to save Equestria so we don’t all lose our assets, as would happen if we decided to just run off and settle somewhere else.”
“My thinking exactly!” declared Flim.
“I have a question, though!” said Suri. “Why don’t we go off and see if we can get help from the griffons? They do owe me for getting that idol of theirs back.”
“Nah,” said Gilda. “They accidentally lost the idol again, which destabilized the government. Now they’re in the middle of a civil war. It’s lasted for about a year and has somehow had absolutely no casualties.”
“What exactly is the civil war about?” asked Sunset.
“I don’t know, probably something stupid like what side to put butter on bread,” said Gilda with a shrug.
“How silly!” said Trixie. “Everypony knows it should be on the top of the bread.”
“I’m having trouble understanding why you wouldn’t put it on top either,” said Flam. “The clear advantage is that it stays on better, and also you can see what you’re doing. What’s the advantage to putting it on the bottom?”
“How should I know?” asked Gilda. “I don’t even know if that is the reason. I just threw it out as a speculation!”
“Fine!” said Sunset. “We’ll go find the Hippogriffs if it’ll end this inane blather!”
“Oh, don’t be silly,” said Trixie cheerfully. “Inane blather inherently occurs no matter where we are!”
“Where are the Hippogriffs anyway?” asked Flim.
“I just told you!” said Gilda.
“’South of the Badlands’ isn’t terribly specific,” said Flam.
“Well,” said Gilda as she pulled out a map, “this map at least shows a city named Klugetown around that area. We could go there and ask for directions.”
“Where do you keep all this stuff?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, around,” said Gilda dismissively. “But first let’s stop at Ponyville and stock up on weapons.”
“Don’t you think they’d be waiting for us there?” said Lightning Dust.
“What, you think they’d be able to waltz over there in the meantime and take over Ponyville? You think Ponyville would fall to an invading force that quickly?” asked Suri. She paused, then added, “Okay, you have a point.”
“Enh, Sunset can just transform into something with her changeling skills to sneak in and get the weapons that way,” said Gilda. “I still find it funny you were so whiny at first about becoming a hybrid changeling/unicorn, considering how useful it can be.”
“Shut up about that,” said Sunset. “Anyway, you don’t think they’d have some kind of security against that, especially after Chrysalis mentioned the infiltration of their army?”
“Fine,” said Gilda. “I’ll just have to get by with the shotguns I have on me.”
“Well, we should at least get a lot of water,” said Flim. “We don’t want to end up comically thirsty when crossing the desert. That would just make us look like idiots who didn’t plan out such a journey at all.”
“In fact,” said Flam, “we don’t need the water! We can just bring in a lot of our stock of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’, our bestselling cider substitute! It has all the nutrients of–”
“We know what it is!” said Lightning Dust.
“Oh, sorry,” said Flam. “Just went into marketing mode there.”
And so the group stocked up on supplies and took a trek across the desert.
“Well,” said Grubber, “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that we were unable to find Chrysalis. The good news is–”
“If the ‘good news’ is something inane like you finding cake, I don’t care about it,” said Tempest Shadow.
“Oh, of course not,” said Grubber. “We found super cake! It’s like regular cake, but it’s super.”
Tempest whacked Grubber on the head. “I don’t think I deserved that,” said Grubber.
“I’m going to go report to our leader,” said Tempest. “You had better find something useful if you don’t want his wrath.”
“But as you were in charge, wouldn’t the blame for my failings go to you?” asked Grubber. He received another whack. “Okay, I deserved that one,” he admitted.
Tempest went into what was previously the throne room. “Set me up a connection to the Storm King,” she commanded.
“It might take a little while,” said one of the minions.
“Why?” demanded Tempest.
“We’re having some technical difficulties with the device that lets us do it and are still on hold with customer service,” he explained. “Right now we’re 76th in line.”
“Customer service?”
“It confuses me too,” admitted the minion. “Oh, good news! We’re in 75th place now!”
“Ugh,” said Tempest. “Screw it; let me try to fix it.”
“That might void the warranty,” said the minion.
“Fine!” snapped Tempest. “We’ll do it the old-fashioned way.” She took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing.
“Oooh!” said Grubber. “Whatcha writing?”
“I’m writing a letter to the Storm King to be transmitted,” said Tempest crossly. “What did you think I was doing?”
“I thought it might be a chain letter,” said Grubber. “Did you know that if you send them to 10 people, you’ll get a lot of money back? Or was it that it avoided a curse?” He got whacked on the head yet again. “You know, I think that can cause brain damage if you do it too many times.”
“Which for you, might make you smarter,” muttered Tempest as she continued writing.
“I really did set myself up for that one, didn’t I?” mused Grubber.
“So, this is Klugetown,” said Trixie as they reached the city.
“At least you didn’t say ‘here we are in Klugetown!’ like normal,” said Flim.
“I know, right?” said Trixie. “I’m trying to make my notifications and reminders of where we are seem more natural. Anyway! I know exactly what we should do now!”
“What?” asked Suri.
“Have somepony else determine what we should do now!” declared Trixie, eliciting a sigh from the others.
“Look, we just have to figure out where the hippogriffs are,” said Sunset. “If we’re smart, we can figure it out without attracting undue attention. So, for example, screaming out this question in public is not a good idea.”
Everyone looked in Trixie’s direction. “Why are you staring at me?” asked Trixie. “I’m smart enough to realize that would be a really stupid idea. Now, starting a song about it, on the other hand…”
“Would be nearly as stupid,” said Sunset dismissively.
“Fine!” said Lightning Dust. “How do you suggest we go about trying to get information on it, then?”
“Well,” said Sunset, “I recommend we start by trying to determine–”
“Found it!” said Gilda, holding out a map. “They’re on Mount Aris.”
“Wait, where’d that come from?” asked Sunset.
“While you lot were babbling, I just went to a store and bought a map of the area,” said Gilda.
“You have currency for here?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, the shopkeeper gave it to me for free,” said Gilda. “Actually, come to think of it, he seemed downright terrified. I wonder why?”
“Maybe it’s the shotgun you’re holding?” suggested Suri.
“Hrm, that would do it,” mused Gilda. “You know, I suddenly realize we might want to go into hiding.”
“There she is!” announced someone who was presumably the aforementioned shopkeeper, pointing at Gilda while being flanked by who appeared to be large guards. “She’s the Griffon who held me up! And those with her must be accomplices!”
“So much for not attracting undue attention,” muttered Sunset.
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Trixie. “I’m sure if we calmly explain the mixup, this can all be settled amicably.”
“Somehow, I get the feeling that won’t be the case,” said Lightning Dust. “Maybe we should run.”
This probably would have resulted in a highly entertaining chase with Scooby Doo music if not for the fact that an anthropomorphic cat suddenly walked up to them. “What seems to be the problem?” he asked innocently.
“As I just said, that Griffon held me up!” announced the shopkeeper.
“Oh,” said the cat, “I think you must be mistaken. She’s been with me for a while, so she certainly couldn’t have gone to your shop.”
“How many Griffons do you think there are in this city that are holding a gun?” demanded the shopkeeper.
“Well,” said the cat, “the answer there is–”
Suddenly, another Griffon with a considerable resemblance to Gilda walked into the area holding a gun. “Uh-oh,” she said before running off as she noticed the guards.
“I guess this was the wrong Griffon, then,” mused the shopkeeper. “After her!”
The guards and shopkeeper ran off after the Griffon.
“Well, that was convenient,” said Flim. He paused. “Wait, where’s Sunset?”
A tired-looking Sunset walked back to them and gave the shotgun back to Gilda. “Here you go.”
“Oh, you grabbed the gun, put on some kind of Griffon disguise, showed up and made them chase you, ditched the disguise so they wouldn’t keep going after you, then came back?” asked the cat.
“Sure, let’s go with that,” said Sunset. “Who are you anyway?”
“Capper’s my name; charming’s my game,” said the cat. “So, did–”
“I haven’t heard of that game,” interrupted Lightning Dust. “How do you play it?”
“It’s a figure of speech!” said Sunset.
“Er, as I was saying,” said the Capper formerly known as cat. “What exactly were you doing?”
“We’re off to find the hippogriffs!” declared Trixie. “Do you know of any good way to get to them? Preferably one that doesn’t involve eating several tons of mayonnaise.”
Capper stared at her briefly before answering, “Well, I can think of several ways to do that. They might take a while to set up, however. Shall we visit my house in the meantime?”
“Not to sound blunt, but is there any reason we should trust him?” asked Flam.
“Well,” said Capper, “if I do say so myself…”
“This town is not a nice place
For little fillies all alone
There are lots of twists and corners
That could lead to the unknown
Let me guide your way
And I’ll be sure to help you through
You could really use a friend out–”
Capper suddenly stopped his song as he noticed the group was walking off. “Hey! Where are you going?”
“I don’t want to deal with a song,” said Sunset.
“More importantly,” said Suri, “I’ve read that you should never trust somepony who sings a song about how trustworthy they are. It’s like a stranger with candy. Actually, worse, because in that case you can just blast them with your magic and take the candy yourself. Hence the phrase ‘it’s like taking candy from a stranger’ to denote something is easy.”
“I think that’s ‘taking candy from a baby,’” said Gilda.
“Are you kidding?” said Suri. “Have you ever tried that? Those guys hold onto that stuff surprisingly tight. And even if you do get the candy, it’ll start crying and everypony will notice you.”
“Why do you seem to have a disturbingly specific knowledge of this?” wondered Trixie.
“Okay, okay, I’ll skip the song,” said Capper. “Will you come now? I’m trying to do you a favor, after all.”
“Well, fine,” said Sunset. “But any singing and I’m out of here!”
The group then went to Capper’s hideout. After the others had gone in, however, Capper quickly gave something to a nearby suspicious-looking guy. “Here. Tell Verko, “My place, twenty minutes. I’ve got something that will magically erase all my debt.” He paused. “Actually, on second thought, make it ten. They might want to be leaving earlier than that. Actually, on third thought…” The other figure started walking away. “Uh, split the difference and call it fifteen!” Capper called out before going back inside with the rest of the group.
“What kept you?” asked Sunset.
“You weren’t giving something to a nearby suspicious-looking guy in order to inform somepony else about us in some attempt to make money and pay off gambling debts accrued through mistaken use of martingale, were you?” asked Trixie.
“Um… no,” said Capper.
“That’s a load off my mind,” said Trixie in a relieved tone. “I was worried you might have been dumb enough to attempt martingale. No one is worth trusting that falls for that, that’s what I always say!”
“Wait, when have you ever said that?” asked Gilda.
“Plenty of times!” said Trixie.
“Name one,” said Gilda,
“Just now!” said Trixie.
Gilda rolled her eyes. “Besides that.”
“You’re moving the goalposts!” protested Trixie. She paused, then added, “Just in case you weren’t aware, that’s an expression meaning that–”
“And here we go with the inane blather again,” said Sunset with a sigh. “How about we just focus on what our original mission was and get to those hippogriffs already?”
“Right!” said Gilda as she took out the map. “So, Mount Aris! According to the map, that’s over that a way!” She pointed off towards the ocean. “So I guess we have to charter an airship or something to get there.”
“Well, that was easy!” said Flam. “Let’s go! I guess we didn’t really have to come here after all.”
“Wait!” said Capper. “Do you want to rest here for a while? Or get something to eat?”
“Well, we are kind of in a hurry,” said Trixie. “But I suppose we might have some time left. In fact, how about a song about how we have just enough time to do a small thing or two?” She paused. “Or should we hold onto that idea for a future occasion? You never want to waste these things.”
“Sure, let’s hold onto it,” said Gilda. “Hopefully to never use it. Let’s go.”
“But I–” started Capper.
“Don’t worry!” said Lightning Dust. “In thanks for your help, we’ll be sure to give you a cameo in an upcoming Mare Do Well comic.”
“That’s the highest honor anypony can receive, in my opinion!” declared Trixie.
As the group filed out of Casper’s residence, they suddenly found a weird-looking guy who was driving a carriage, except the carriage was just a big cage. “Here’s Verko!” he said, helpfully supplying his name.
“Wait,” said Flam. “What’s–”
“These ponies better shoot rainbow lasers out their eyes if they're gonna settle your debt!” said Verko. “Brought the big cage. Let's load 'em up!”
“Aha!” declared Trixie. “I was right in my suspicions! You’re planning to take us all to Pleasure Island to turn us into unspeaking donkeys! Come on, everypony! We have to find the talking cricket in order to defeat the giant whale!”
“I have no idea what you’re babbling about, but getting out of here makes sense,” declared Flim.
“Wait, this is just–” started Capper, but he was interrupted by the group all skedaddling. He sighed and turned to Verko. “Okay. I have a few questions. First, all I said was, and I quote, ‘I’ve got something that will magically erase all my debt.’ Based on that, how exactly did you come to the conclusion that I was planning to sell anyone from that? Heck, I didn’t even mention the unicorns!”
“Hrm,” said Verko, “now that you mention it, that does seem odd.”
“Second,” continued Capper, “even if I was, don’t you think it was a really dumb idea to be so open about it rather than disguise the cage somehow?”
“Hrm,” said Verko, “now that you mention it, that does seem odd. Oh well. That’s just the way the cookie spills milk, right? That’s how the expression goes?”
Capper sighed and facepalmed.
“I should have known never to trust anyone who would try to convince us he was trustworthy via song,” said Flim.
“Okay,” said Suri, “I think now we–”
Suri was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Tempest Shadow, Grubber, and some random guards.
“So,” said Tempest Shadow coolly, “there you are. Could you spare yourself some trouble and surrender, Chrysalis?”
The group all took on a look of confusion at the last word. “Chrysalis?” asked Flam. “She’s not here, is she?”
“Don’t play dumb!” said Tempest. “We might not be able to scan individuals to determine if they’re changelings yet, but we can detect any transformations, and we were able to pick up one from the vicinity of your group. And it can’t just be a regular changeling because it gave off a noticeably different aura than normal.”
“Oh, you didn’t detect Chrysalis,” said Trixie brightly. “You must have detected Sunset here. You see, she’s so magically powerful that it confuses scanners. You know, like how if you eat a burrito, it makes your weight increase.”
“Wait, what’s a burrito?” asked Flam.
“Exactly!” said Trixie.
Tempest sighed and rolled her eyes. “Why do I even bother? Just get them. We’ll figure out who is who later.”
To make a relatively short story even shorter, the group managed to get away.
“Okay, let’s just get onto one of those air ships and head over to the hippogriffs,” said Flam. “Who’s carrying the money for the trip?”
There was an awkward pause.
“None of you thought to bring along money?” asked Flam indignantly.
“I thought you did!” said Trixie. “You’re the ones who pay the most attention to that kind of thing.”
“Actually,” said Flim, “I think you and Lightning Dust have a higher net worth than us.”
“But that’s mostly in our comic book company stock!” protested Lightning Dust. “It’s not liquid.”
“Fine!” said Sunset. “Let’s just sneak on board one of them.”
“That seems like it would be setting a really bad example for the kids,” said Trixie.
“The kids?! What kids?”
“That statement made more sense in my head, I’ll admit,” admitted Trixie.
“Does anypony have an objection to the plan that isn’t completely asinine?” demanded Sunset.
“Hey!” said Trixie. “My objection was only mostly completely asinine!”
Sunset sighed heavily.
“Wow, it’s sure a bummer they got away,” said Grubber. “Can we stop for some cake before we continue pursuing them?”
“Why do you have this ridiculous cake obsession?” asked Tempest in an irritated tone.
“Because cake is tasty!”
Tempest sighed and turned to the cat that was being held prisoner. “Now, care to tell me where they were going?” she asked Capper.
“Oh, them?” said Capper. “They were going to… um…”
“Yes?” said Tempest threateningly.
“I’m trying to remember!” said Capper. “I was just trying to lure them to my place, remember? Their actual specific plans weren’t of great concern to me! Maybe if you list some places they might be going, I could tell you if they sound familiar?”
“Oooh! Oooh!” said Grubber. “I’ve got a great list of stuff! Was it Saddle Arabia?”
“No,” said Capper.
“Was it Tartarus?”
“No,” said Capper.
“Was it Crystal Prep High?”
“I’ve never heard of that one,” said Capper.
Tempest Shadow pushed Grubber out of the way. “Laying aside my assistant’s stupidity,” she said, “here’s a map of the general area. Do any of these ring a bell?”
Capper looked at the map. “Oh, right. I think it was Mount Aris.”
“That was going to be my tenth guess, for the record!” said Grubber.
“It’s cramped in here,” said Suri.
“I realize that, Suri,” said Sunset grouchily.
“We couldn’t have picked a ship with a larger hold to sneak onto?” asked Suri.
“This is the only one that was leaving soon and was going in the same general direction as to where we wanted to go!” said Flam. “In fact, how do you not remember this? Weren’t you there?”
“Asking questions I already know the answers to is my way of grumbling,” said Suri.
“Well, anyway,” said Gilda as she pulled out the map, “we just have to wait until we’re around the area of our destination, then get out of this thing and fly down there.” She rolled the map up. “Okay, let’s review the plan to pass the time. Since most of us don’t have flying abilities, I’ll carry Flam, Lightning Dust has Flim, and Sunset is with Suri. Trixie can cast that flying spell on herself. Sound good?”
“Yes, that sounds–” started Suri before suddenly quieting down as they heart footsteps. Fortunately for them, whatever member of the crew came down didn’t take notice of them and left.
“So, about how long until we make it?” said Suri.
“A while,” said Gilda.
“I’ve got a great idea on how to pass the time!” said Trixie. “Let’s talk about our favorite shipping couples, particularly those that have fun names! Mine are Trueblood and Sunlight!”
Gilda sighed. “Oh no, not this again…”
“Isn’t ‘shipping’ something you do in fan fiction, not real life?” said Suri.
“What even are these things you referenced? said Flim.
“It isn’t obvious?” said Trixie. “Trueblood is a portmanteau of Trixie and Blueblood. And–”
“Wait, you want to go out with Blueblood?” asked Suri.
“Oh, certainly not,” said Trixie dismissively. “That’s a terrible idea.”
“Then why would you say that’s one of your favorite shippings?!”
“What?” said Trixie. “Just because I think we’d make a really cute couple doesn’t mean I’d actually want to date the guy.”
“That makes no sense,” said Gilda. “Which is kind of shipping in a nutshell, now that I think about it. What is this Sunlight anyway?”
“Sunburst and Starlight, of course,” said Trixie. “My OTP! What else would it refer to?”
“How about all of you just shut up until we get close to our destination?” said Sunset.
“Sounds like somepony isn’t a Sunlight fan,” said Trixie, but she stopped talking. Eventually they seemed to be nearing their destination.
“All right, about time to jump out,” said Sunset.
“I’m disappointed I didn’t get a chance to sing an upbeat inspirational song about life during this ride,” said Lightning Dust.
“Well, maybe next time,” said Sunset dismissively. “Let’s go.”
The group opened the window and jumped out, then executed the plan that was mentioned earlier and there is therefore little reason to repeat in the narration. They reached what seemed to be Mount Aris and landed on the top. However, rather than any sort of kingdom, they only discovered a bunch of ruins that would have probably been a good setting for a horror story.
“Did we take a wrong turn?” wondered Suri.
“What if–” started Trixie.
“Okay, if you’re giving to give some absurd speculation about the situation, I’m going to whack you,” said Sunset.
“I was just going to suggest that maybe the hippogriffs lived here at some point, but then to avoid the Storm King and tax collectors, they decided to hide underwater using shapeshifting magic that has made them into being more merpony-like!”
Sunset pondered this for a moment, then whacked Trixie on the head.
“Hey!” said Trixie as she rubbed her head. “What’s implausible about that?”
“That was really just for the tax collector part,” said Sunset.
“You shouldn’t underestimate the desire to avoid tax collectors!” said Trixie.
“I know what we should do!” declared Lightning Dust. “Let’s split up and look for clues!”
“I’ve got a better idea,” said Sunset, “how about we stay together so that if anything attacks us, we won’t be alone?”
“That works too!” said Lightning Dust. “Let’s stick together and look for clues!”
Abruptly, they heard a humming noise.
“My critical sense of deduction tells me we should go in the direction of the noise!” declared Lightning Dust.
“My critical sense of deduction tells me that you are right!” added Trixie.
“My critical sense of deduction tells me that you two need to stop stating the obvious,” muttered Sunset.
“Enh,” said Gilda, “as far as burns go, I think I’d only call that one first degree.”
“Let’s just investigate it,” said Sunset wearily.
And so the group went in the direction of the humming. The noise, which as they got closer to it, sounded more like singing, however. Soon enough, they encountered something so dramatic that it must be preceded by an exclamation mark. But it actually wasn’t that dramatic, so a period was used instead. They found a weird sort of cavern that had a lake in it with what looked like a pink flower in the middle of it. It looked like there was someone on the aforementioned pink flower in the middle of the aforementioned lake in the aforementioned cavern, but the aforementioned being disappeared into the aforementioned water before the aforementioned group got a good-but-not-aforementioned look.
“Well, that was odd,” said Sunset. “Okay, so we need to figure out what she went. Now we don’t know what’s in the water, so we probably shouldn’t immediately jump into…” Sunset trailed off.
“Uh, what were you saying?” said Gilda.
“Oh, I was expecting one of you to just jump into the water midway through my sentence, so I didn’t bother to finish it,” said Sunset.
“Why?” asked Trixie. “Do you think we’re stupid or something?”
“Uh… anyway,” said Sunset, “we need to investigate the situation before jumping straight into it.”
“Sounds great!” said Lightning Dust. She paused, then added, “So, uh, how do we do that?”
“Well, um,” said Sunset, suddenly realizing she wasn’t sure herself. “Look into it first?”
The group looked into the water. “Not seeing anything other than a reflection of an incredibly beautiful griffon and a bunch of average-looking ponies,” said Gilda.
“All right!” said Sunset. “I suppose we should send somepony in to test out the water. Who’s the most expendable?”
“I nominate Flim or Flam!” said Suri. “They’re basically interchangeable, so it doesn’t matter if we lose one, because we only need one or the other!”
“I second the motion!” declared Trixie.
“I third!” said Gilda.
“What? Why should we have to do it?” said Flim indignantly.
“I just explained!” said Suri.
“I don’t think it’s a very good explanation,” said Flam.
“Wait a minute, this isn’t part of a plan to knock them out and steal their kidneys, is it?” asked Trixie. “Because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
Everyone stared blankly at her.
“Look, just try it out so we don’t have to deal with any more of Trixie’s non sequiturs,” said Sunset with a sigh.
“Yeah, she has been doing an overabundance of those on this adventure so far, even for her,” said Gilda.
“Hey!” said Trixie. “I’ll have you know that–”
“Trixie no doubt is just going to give another non sequitur,” interrupted Suri, “so let’s return to our original point. Flim goes in as the test, okay?”
“I demand somepony else accompany Flim!” said Flam. “That way the responsibility and danger would be shared!”
“Wait, why am I doing it?” said Flim. “Why don’t you?”
“Oh, screw it!” said Gilda as she pushed them both into the water. However, they managed to grab Gilda while she did so. She tried to grab Sunset to stop herself, but that only pulled her in, along with Trixie and Suri, who got knocked into the water in the process.
Lightning Dust looked at the entire group in the water and shrugged. “Don’t want to feel left out,” she said as she jumped in as well.
Sunset sighed. “Well, I guess now that we’re in the water anyway, we can–” Sunset was interrupted as a whirlpool suddenly started.
“See?” said Suri. “This is why we shouldn’t have all gone in at once!”
Sunset growled but, with the aid of Flim, Flam, and Trixie, quickly created a large bubble that protected the group as they were pulled underwater into a cavern.
“I guess we just look around now?” said Gilda.
“No, I say we go back up,” said Sunset. “If we encounter some kind of monster, this bubble isn’t going to protect us. It just keeps in the air.”
“Well why did we come all the way here if we were just going to give up?” said Lightning Dust. “I say we continue! We haven’t died so far!”
“That doesn’t make–” started Flim before being interrupted by a figure who suddenly appeared who looked sort of like a cross between a pony and a fish.
“Oh, good, you’re okay!” she said. “I was going to save you, but it looks like you managed it yourself.”
“Who are you?” asked Suri.
“Wait a minute,” said Skystar, who hasn’t been formally introduced by name yet but for narrative simplicity shall be referred to as such in the prose. “Who are you? Why are you here?”
“Some guy named the Storm King totally invaded us, so we got told to go seek out the hippogriffs, and through a series of rather silly adventures ended up here,” said Sunset.
“The Storm King?” said Skystar. “All right, then. I’ll help! By the way, I’m Princess Skystar!”
“Are you a princess in the form that you’re the daughter of a queen?” asked Suri. “Or are you one of those rulers who for some reason retain the title of ‘Princess’ even though they should be a queen? Or are you like Blueblood who has the Prince moniker for reasons that aren’t entirely clear?”
Skystar looked a little puzzled at Suri’s question, but said, “I mean I’m the daughter of the current ruler, Queen Novo.”
“So, are you down here because you’re hiding from the Storm King?” asked Suri.
“That was part of it,” said Skystar, “but it was mostly to avoid the tax collectors.”
“Ha!” said Trixie. “I told you!”
Sunset made a face but didn’t pursue the topic further. “Can you take us to the queen, then?” she asked.
“No problem!” said Skystar. “But first, I should make it so you don’t all have to be in one big bubble.”
Using convenient magic, Skystar made it so instead of them all being in one big bubble, each of their heads was just held in one smaller bubble. “That should make moving around easier for you, because you don’t have to all stay in one big bubble.”
“Uh, how much air is in these things?” asked Gilda.
“Enough,” said Skystar. “Anyway, let’s go!”
“Wait, do you mean ‘enough’ as in there’s enough air, or ‘enough’ as in you’re done talking and–” started Trixie before noticing that Skystar had started swimming off. She shrugged and followed Skystar with the rest of the group. After a short while, they came to what seemed to be a court of some kind. A queen of some kind sat on a throne of some kind, reading a book.
“Hi, mom!” said Skystar cheerfully. “You won’t believe what I found!”
“Was it a bunch of ponies that came here asking for help due to an attack from the Storm King?” asked her mother idly without even looking at the group.
“Nope!” said Skystar. “One of them is a griffon!”
“Oh!” said Novo, still not taking a glance at them. “Well, in that case… wait, I still don’t care.”
“Aw, c’mon,” said Lightning Dust. “We could make it worth your while!”
“How?”
“Um… well…” Lightning Dust paused briefly. “Uh, want a lifetime supply of Mare Do Well comics?”
Novo suddenly started paying attention. “Mare Do Well?” she asked.
“We might be able to get you Power Ponies instead if that’s your preference,” said Trixie.
“Oh, no,” said the queen. “I love Mare Do Well!”
“Wait, you get it here?”
“Well, we haven’t gotten many issues since we went into hiding here,” said Skystar, “but it’s pretty popular among the Hippogriffs.”
“I knew using that water-proof paper would eventually pay off,” said Lightning Dust.
“So you’ll help?” said Flam.
“Well… wait a minute,” said Novo. “Like I said, we haven’t gotten any issues for a while. Did Anon-A-Miss show up again?”
“No,” said Trixie.
“Really?” said Novo incredulously. “All this time and she hasn’t shown up again? That was my favorite story.”
Trixie and Lightning Dust shared a glance. “Wait,” said Lightning Dust, “you not only liked it, it was your favorite story?”
“Of course!” declared Novo. “The social commentary was especially apt! As was the twist at the end!”
“Okay, okay,” said Sunset, “what in the world are you talking about? Who is ‘Anon-A-Miss’?”
“Uh, I’m pretty sure we told you,” said Lightning Dust.
“I can’t remember everything that comes out of your mouth! Plus I have to tune a lot of it out!”
“Ugh, fine,” said Trixie. “Anon-A-Miss was the titular character of a story that happened in Mare Do Well. She was a green faceless alien from outer space–”
“As opposed to those from outer space who aren’t aliens?” asked Gilda.
“Shut up. Anyway, she–”
“Wait,” said Lightning Dust, “I thought we left it deliberately ambiguous as to whether she was from outer space or from another universe.”
“Just get to the point!” said Sunset.
“Anon-A-Miss was this weird bipedal green faceless creature that had no real personality,” said Trixie. “And the whole story was written in second person.”
“Which was sort of weird in retrospect, considering it was a comic,” noted Lightning Dust.
“Yeah, that part was tricky to do. Anyway, the whole thing was supposed to be a spoof on self-insert stories, and Anon-A-Miss ended up getting wiped out of existence at the end. But that caused no end of controversy among the readers, some of which thought the ending was too harsh, some of which thought it was meant as a mean slam towards them, some of which thought–”
“Can you get to the point?” said Sunset.
“Actually, that was the point,” said Trixie. “Although it inspired a surprisingly high amount of fan fiction. Anyway!” She turned back towards the queen. “Now that we’re done with our tangent, does this mean you’ll help us out?”
“I’m not sure; the fact Anon-A-Miss hasn’t returned is a bit of a turnoff,” said Novo.
“Uh… we could bring her back if you help us?” said Lightning Dust.
“Sounds fine,” said Novo.
“Well, that was easy,” said Flam.
“I guess Chrysalis actually knew what she was doing,” said Gilda.
Novo suddenly appeared cross. “Chrysalis sent you?”
“Would it be bad if we were to say ‘yes’?” asked Flam.
“Very much so!” declared Novo. “She’s such a major pain I declared to have nothing to do with her.”
“Oh, okay,” said Flam. “We weren’t sent by her.”
Novo looked at him suspiciously. “Is that the truth, or are you just saying that?”
“I’m just saying that,” admitted Flam.
“Okay, well, deal’s off,” said Novo. “I find Chrysalis too annoying.”
“She’s not that annoying,” said Lightning Dust, prompting everyone to stare at her. “Okay, fine, she is that annoying, but are you going to let another kingdom fall just because you happen to dislike Chrysalis?”
Novo considered the matter briefly. “Yes. Absolutely.”
“Not to worry!” declared Lightning Dust. “I have just the solution for this! An upbeat inspirational song about life!”
“Are you sure this is the right time for it?” said Trixie.
“Do you have any other ideas?”
“Not off the top of my head,” admitted Trixie.
“All right!” said Lightning Dust. “Let’s go!”
“I know the world can get you down
Things don’t work out quite the way that you thought
Feeling like all your best days are done
Your fears and doubts are all you’ve got!
But there's a light shining deep inside
Beneath those fears and doubts, so just squash ‘em
And let it shine for all the world to see
That it is time, yeah, time to be awesome!”
There was an awkward pause.
“This is, uh, the part where you guys start to get persuaded and join in,” said Lightning Dust.
“It doesn’t apply to me at all,” said Novo. “Maybe if you had sung a song about there being one small thing we could do together…”
“Uh… can we have a re-do?” asked Trixie.
“No,” said Novo. “Anyway, get out.”
“Well, since I guess there’s nothing to lose…” said Gilda. “Hippogriffs? More like hypocrites, am I right?”
There was a pause. “How long have you been holding onto that?” asked Flim.
“You have no idea,” said Gilda.
“Well, I will commend the pun,” said Novo. “But you’re still kicked out. Guards! Kick them out.”
“But we don’t have legs,” said one of the guards.
“Oh, right,” said Novo. “That does make the kicking harder.”
“You know that’s supposed to be a figure of speech, right?” said Flam.
“Oh, no, we literally kick people out,” said Novo. “Or at least we did, back when we had legs. Maybe we could punch them out.”
“Wait, punch them out as in just punch them, or punch them out as in knock them out?” asked one of the guards.
“Oh, come on, mom,” said Skystar, “I think we should help them. In fact, we don’t even need to do anything technically; we just have to let them borrow that shape-changing pearl for a while.” She paused. “Come to think of it, why didn’t we just use it to fight off the Storm King if it’s so powerful?”
“Oh, please, the warranty on that thing expired years ago,” said Novo. “I’m not taking the chance of it getting damaged somehow. Do you have any idea how much they charge you to fix those things when it’s not under warranty anymore?”
“Um… not really,” said Skystar. “I didn’t even know it had a warranty.”
“Of course it had a warranty! Who would get one of these without a warranty to back it up?” She turned to Sunset and the others. “Anyway, just get out of here. We won’t have to punch you out if you do it yourself.”
“We don’t really know the way out,” said Flam.
“Ugh, fine!” said Novo. “Guards, escort them out.”
“Do we get to punch them?” asked one of the guards.
“Only if they get too uppity,” said Novo.
And so the group was metaphorically kicked out, bringing them back to the surface of the water.
Sunset sighed. “Well, let’s get back to shore.”
And so they did.
“Well, I guess that didn’t work,” said Suri. “Anyone have any new ideas?”
“I say we give up,” said Sunset. “Let Equestria rescue itself for once.”
“No way!” said Gilda. “I want my guns back. In fact, I’m pretty sure all of the rest of us have some treasured possession we need to get back, even if it’s just a business worth a lot of money.”
“That’s not any good if you end up dying in the process of trying to get it back!” said Sunset.
“Well it depends,” said Flim, “how are we factoring the probability of dying into this? Because it very much could be considered worth the risk, even from a completely self-serving perspective, if the probability of that could be considered low enough to warrant the reward.”
“Okay, fine!” snapped Sunset. “What’s your big idea for getting everything fixed?”
“I think I do have one!” said Trixie. “Who wants to guess what it is?”
“Just tell us,” said Flam.
“Nuh-uh!” said Trixie. “Back with that Tirek business I wanted to see if any of you could guess it, but you refused, ruining all the fun. I’m not missing my opportunity this time.”
“Fine, let me guess,” said Sunset. “You actually have no idea and are just trying to get us to brainstorm an idea, right?”
“Um… we’ll consider that Option A,” said Trixie. “Any other guesses?”
“I say we head to the Crystal Empire to get help!” said Lightning Dust.
“Uh, Lightning Dust?” said Trixie. “The Crystal Empire is in its own troubles. Remember?”
“So?” said Lightning Dust. “We head there and help them solve it, which would probably be easier than this, and then they can help us out. Even if we can’t solve their issue, we can at least write the cost of the trip off as a business expense for our taxes.”
“Sounds great!” said Flam. “Let’s do it!”
“Well, what’s your suggestion on how to get there, then?” said Suri. “We’re not entirely sure of where we are, but it’s obvious we’re kind of far from there.”
“We could hitchhike,” said Trixie.
“Okay,” said Sunset, “I’m just going to go off there for a while and wait for you to come up with some plan.”
“Why not just stay around here?” asked Flim.
“Because I’ll get the same result if I’m away from you without the irritation from dealing with your planning sessions,” said Sunset. “Plus, I think I think better on my own.”
“Great!” said Trixie. “We’ll come up with a plan, and you’ll come up with a plan, and then… uh, depends on whether we coincidentally end up with the same plan or not. Hang on, we might have to plan on what to do in the situations our plans are the same and the situations where our plans are different.”
“Yeah, you do that,” said Sunset as she walked off.
“All right!” said Trixie. “Now let us do that thing I just said we would do.”
While the rest of the group did that thing that Trixie said they would do, Sunset had gone off and stared off towards the horizon.
And so this has turned out to be yet another stupid adventure, she thought to herself. Then again, what would a non-stupid adventure count as? I wonder if-
Sunset’s internal musings were cut short by suddenly finding herself in a cage of some sort. While initially confused, she quickly moved onto the logical course of action: Wanton destruction by trying to blast her way out. This, however, didn’t work and only blasted herself back. “Right, should have figured they’d anti-magic it or something…” she muttered in a daze.
The aforementioned cage then was hoisted up into the air by a ship. Sunset found herself facing Tempest Shadow.
“Finally got you… Chrysalis,” said Tempest Shadow.
It took Sunset a few moments to get over her confusion. “Um, I’m not Chrysalis,” she said.
“Oh, please,” said Tempest Shadow. “We were able to analyze the data we got from you. You were the only one of your group whose magic seemed changeling-like. So by simple process of elimination, it has to be you.”
“Wait, how did you analyze my magic?”
“Technology,” said Tempest. “After all, sufficiently advanced technology easily distinguishes magic.”
“Uh… okay,” said Sunset. “But seriously, I’m not Chrysalis! I’m just a unicorn! Watch!” She tried to teleport outside of the cage, but it failed. “Uh… well, I guess you made it teleport-proof, but you should’ve been able to see the spell anyway!”
“We’ll find out for sure soon enough anyway” said Tempest, “Now that you’re a captive, more accurate tests can be utilized. That cage you’re in is running scans as we speak.”
“Well, if I’m not Chrysalis, would you let me go?” asked Sunset.
“We’ll see,” said Tempest.
“What’s your plan in all of this anyway?” said Sunset. “Why did you need to grab Chrysalis, Luna, and Cadance to begin with?”
“And I suppose you think I’m going to simply tell you our entire plan like some kind of cliché villain a movie,” said Tempest.
Darn it, thought Sunset, why’d we get stuck with an intelligent villain?
Meanwhile, a short time earlier…
“All right!” said Trixie. “So we’re all in agreement that my plan is perfect?”
“Yeah, I am surprised you came up with such a great one,” admitted Gilda. “Let’s go over to Sunset now, as she’s so critical to it.”
The group suddenly saw the aircraft appear and abduct Sunset. They tried to go after them, but it flew off before they could.
“Darn it, there goes that plan, and Plan B,” complained Lightning Dust.
“What’s Plan B?” asked Suri.
“Wait for Sunset to come up with a better plan,” said Lightning Dust.
Flim sighed. “How about we get out of here in case they come back, and once we’re a safe distance away, come up with a plan?”
And so the group ran off. About a minute later, Princess Skystar burst out of the water. “Hello! It’s me again! I’m gonna get so grounded, but…” She stopped and frowned as she realized that no one was around. “Darn it, I’m going to get grounded for nothing now.”
Hrm, thought Sunset to herself. They may have made this teleport-proof, but it’s possible there’s some other magic that doesn’t affect it. Maybe–
Sunset’s interior musings were interrupted by Tempest Shadow again entering the room. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” she said coolly. “Well. It seems you’re not Chrysalis at all.”
“Oh, so I can go?”
“You’re something even better,” said Tempest as if Sunset hadn’t spoken. “A unicorn/changeling hybrid? I don’t know how you became one, but that suits our purposes even better than if you were Chrysalis.”
“And what are those purposes?” asked Sunset.
“You’ll find out soon enough,” said Tempest.
“Okay, fine, then tell me this,” said Sunset. “Why are you doing all this anyway? You’re a pony, just like me. It’s kind of rare for one of us to be so megalomaniacal.”
“Oh, you think you know me?” asked Tempest as music suddenly started up out of nowhere. “Maybe I should explain a few things to you.”
Oh, crud, thought Sunset to herself, another song.
“It’s time you learned a lesson
It’s time that you understand
Don’t ever count on anybody else
On this or any other land”
Sunset stared in surprise. Wait, hang on a minute, she thought. This song isn’t actually that bad.
“Open up your eyes
See the world from where I stand
Me, among the mighty
You, caged at my command”
“Oh, wow, this is good,” Sunset muttered to herself. “Seems uncharacteristic of her to go into song, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.”
A number of verses later…
“Open up your eyes
See the world from where I–”
Tempest, along with the rest of the music, abruptly stopped. “Are you singing along?” she asked indignantly.
“Um… well… maybe?” stammered Sunset.
Tempest stared blankly at her.
“Do you know the kind of music I have to put up with?” demanded Sunset. “I still can’t get that Winter Wrap-Up out of my head! This is one of the only good songs I’ve dealt with! Can you blame me for enjoying it?”
Tempest sighed heavily. “Fine. Anyway, now you see why I’m different than you.”
“Actually, that’s something I didn’t get,” said Sunset. “You didn’t say anything.”
“I lost my horn due to an accident when I was younger, no one accepted me, so I left,” said Tempest. “Were you not paying attention?”
“Well, you didn’t mention any of that!” said Sunset. “What, were you mentally picturing it in some kind of primitive animation and I was just supposed to see your inner thoughts? You have to actually tell me.”
“Well, I did now!” snapped Tempest.
“Which is good enough,” said Sunset. “But there’s a question I have. Your whole thing was about how it’s best to not rely on others and be alone. But if not for this giant army you have that isn’t actually your own, you wouldn’t have been able to accomplish anything here! You’re not alone at all! In fact, you’re relying on others far more than I am!”
“I should have known you wouldn’t understand,” said Tempest.
“That’s because your logic, at least as was presented to me, makes no sense!” said Sunset.
“Well, you just stay there until we arrive at our destination,” said Tempest.
“Can you sing the song again first?” asked Sunset.
Tempest stared blankly at her. After a short while, she simply said, “No,” and walked off.
Why can’t I ever have nice things? thought Sunset to herself.
Mare Do Well: The Movie - Part 2
“Got any ideas yet?” asked Lightning Dust as the group continued walking.
“No,” said Trixie.
After a pause, Lightning Dust asked, “Got any ideas now?”
“No,” said Trixie.
“How about now?”
“No.”
“How about–”
“Would you shut up?!” asked Gilda.
“Hey!” said Lightning Dust. “I find this is a great motivator for people to come up with plans! You get so irritated you come up with one just to make me shut up!”
“It actually can be surprisingly effective,” said Trixie.
“Do you think maybe it’s time to cut our losses and just give up on the whole thing?” said Suri. “This doesn’t really seem to be going well so far.”
“Not until I get my rocket launchers back, I’m not!” said Gilda.
“Okay, what about those of us who aren’t obsessed with firearms?” said Suri.
“Hey!” said Trixie. “I don’t want to give up half ownership in a franchise worth millions! Besides, don’t you have a good amount of cash also?” Before Suri had a chance to respond, Trixie pointed and asked, “Hey, wait a minute. What’s that?”
They all turned to see another aircraft coming towards them, though much smaller than the ones seen before. “So… do you think that’s a friend or a foe?” asked Flim. “Should we hide?”
“If it’s an enemy, it’s already seen us,” said Gilda. “So we might as well just hope it’s friendly. Or maybe they’re just stopping to ask for directions.”
“Why would they stop and ask for directions?” asked Lightning Dust.
“Uh, because they would be lost?” said Gilda in an irritated tone.
“No, I mean, why would they think a bunch of random ponies and a griffon on the ground would be in a good position for that?”
The need to figure out how to continue this conversation was removed because by this point the ship had landed next to them and the hatch opened. Three pegasi walked out. “Hi,” said one of them in a somewhat irritated voice.
“The Shadowbolts?” asked Lightning Dust in a confused term.
Right, thought Trixie to herself. The Shadowbolts! Not to be confused with the ones from that Crystal Prep school. These were the guys who tried to fool Lightning Dust during that Nightmare Moon adventure, and their names are Stormy Skies, Thunder Strike, and Maelstrom Tempest. After that, they showed up a few random times to make ploys that didn’t work either, then ended up in that alternate universe and stole pendants from those Dazzlings and tried to enact their plan, only for that to fail. Then they came back to our universe and tried a convoluted plan to take over Flutter Valley, but we stopped them and they all got sent to prison for all of the stuff. Wait, why am I thinking all of this?
“Wait, you guys again?” said Gilda. “Didn’t you all go to prison after that Flutter Valley adventure?”
“That’s what I was thinking!” said Trixie.
“We got let out on condition that we do a bunch of highly dangerous and mostly clandestine missions for the government,” grumbled Thunder.
“Sounds like a great idea for a comic book story!” declared Lightning Dust.
“Can we just go already?” said Stormy. “We have another stupid mission to do after we take you.”
“Wait, you’re not going to help us or anything?” asked Flim. “If you’re working for the government, wouldn’t saving Equestria be your top priority?”
“Hey!” said Stormy. “There are all kinds of threats you don’t know about! The Storm King is small potatoes compared to some of the stuff that’s out there! While you guys deal with him and Tempest Shadow, we’ll be off handling even bigger threats!”
“What could possibly be a bigger threat than this existential threat to Equestria?!”
“If you knew the kind of stuff we have to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night,” said Stormy.
“What about the various medications that are available for treating insomnia?” asked Trixie. “It seems like those could help.”
“Indeed!” said Lightning Dust. “In fact, simple fatigue would eventually set in anyway and you’d fall asleep of your own accord. I don’t think it’s possible to be unable to sleep at all.”
“Or do you mean we couldn’t sleep at night because our schedule would be restructured to make us sleep in the day?” asked Trixie.
“Well, maybe they–” started Lightning Dust before being interrupted.
“Argh, fine!” snapped Stormy. “The reason we’re not helping you isn’t because of there being other threats. It’s because we start up our vacation after dropping you off. Otherwise we’d have to go and actually help you out rather than dropping you off.”
“You get vacation time?” asked Suri.
“You’d be surprised the benefits package given to convicts drafted into working for the government,” said Thunder. “The only thing it’s really missing is a good dental plan.”
“Okay, I enjoy inane blather as much as the next pony,” said Trixie, “but maybe we should have this conversation while we’re on our way back?” And so the group went into the aircraft, which flew off.
Meanwhile, the other aircraft that Sunset was on touched down in Canterlot and brought Sunset, still imprisoned, to the castle.
Sunset looked around at the room and saw petrified versions of Cadence, Celestia, and Luna. “Uh… so when did you get Celestia?”
“We grabbed her shortly before the actual invasion,” said Tempest.
“Where was she?”
“Where do you think the appointed ambassador to Saddle Arabia was?” asked Tempest.
“Oh,” said Sunset. There was a pause. “So… uh… are we waiting for something…?”
“We’re waiting for the Storm King to get here,” said Tempest.
“Yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking,” said Sunset. “Why are you so loyal to this guy anyway? What has he done for you?”
“I don’t suppose it’s really any of your business, but he’s promised to restore my horn once I accomplish my mission,” said Tempest.
“Is he a medical doctor or something? Why would he be good at that?”
“If you’re trying to turn me against him,” said Tempest, “it won’t work.”
“I don’t think ti’s an unreasonable question!” said Sunset.
“How about you be quiet until–” started Tempest before being suddenly cut off as the door opened and a figure that presumably was the Storm King walked in.
“Hi everybody!” he announced. “Or should I say… everypony?”
There was a pause.
“Oh, come on!” he said in a tone that was a cross between dejected and irritated. “That was comedy gold! Where’s the applause? Tempest! I thought I said to get a studio audience ready for my entrance so they’d applaud!”
“The, erm, army is a bit busy at the moment,” said Tempest.
“I’m sure you can get at least a few,” said the Storm King. “Okay, so I’m going to walk out and wait a few minutes. That should give you enough time to get a few in here. Then I’ll walk in and we’ll try it again. Got it?”
“Yes, sir,” said Tempest in a resigned tone of voice.
“This is the guy you’ve pledged your loyalty to?” asked Sunset indignantly after the Storm King left.
“He can be a lot more serious and menacing,” said Tempest. After a brief pause, she added, “Sometimes. Anyway, I have things to do.”
Tempest left. A short time later she came back with various soldiers. A short time after that short time later, the Storm King flung opened the door and walked in. “Hi everybody!” he announced. “Or should I say… everypony?”
Tempest and his minions gave strong applause. Sunset rolled her eyes.
“Oh, darn it!” said the Storm King. “I just realized! If I have my minions here, it doesn’t work anymore because there’s not just ponies in here besides myself! Tempest! Take the minions out and get some ponies in here to applaud for me!”
“Perhaps it would be better to complete the process of granting you unimaginable power, and then you would have all the time in the world to engage in things such as this?” suggested Tempest.
“Great point!” declared the Storm King. “That’s why I keep you around. By the way, I’m not sure this whole ‘the Storm King’ thing is working out. You think I should get a different name or something? What about ‘Lord Explosion Murder’? Or is that too violent? Gotta keep it okay for the kids, you know.”
“I… I don’t think that will matter much when you rule the entire world,” said Tempest.
“But ruling the world is exactly the point where you slack off and your approval rating goes down!” said the Storm King. “You have to think about this kind of thing beforehand. But okay, fine, let’s go. Tempest, do the thing.”
“Yes!” said Tempest with obvious relief.
“By the way, what is this thing again?” asked the Storm King.
Tempest sighed heavily. “We’re going to use this magical staff to take away the power of four princesses and/or hybrids, which will all combine and be amplified and be at your disposal.”
“Sounds great!” declared the Storm King. “Do the thing, then, Tempest!”
“Can I point out that screwing around with magic as powerful as this has a real chance of a bad side effect?” said Sunset.
“Hey, that’s a good point!” said the Storm King. “How do we know this’ll work all right?”
“She’s just trying to trick you,” said Tempest.
“That’s also a good point!” said the Storm King. He turned to Sunset. “Ha! I have seen through your deception!” He turned back to Tempest. “Okay. Now let’s do the thing!”
“Okay,” said Tempest in obvious relief. “You stand here.”
“Do I get a say in this?” asked Sunset.
“Not unless you’re part of the approval rating survey!” said the Storm King. “Which I’m pretty sure you aren’t.”
And so Tempest did the ritual, the details of which aren’t really that important to the plot but did involve an impressive light show, which zapped the magic out of the four and powered up the staff, which the Storm King picked up.
“Let’s get this storm started!” he announced. “Ooh, hey, that’s good, I should trademark that. Or would it qualify under fair use? No, wait, that only works for copyright, not trademark. My bad.” He fired off a blast from the staff, which ended up hitting the cage Sunset was in. This broke it but also blasted her back a bit.
“Hey, this thing is cool!” he said. “Thanks, Tempest! What else does it do?”
“Well, first, Your Excellency, you promised to restore my horn and–”
“Hang on!” declared the Storm King. “Let me see if I can move the sun and moon around!” He ran off to the balcony and tried waving the staff. Nothing happened. “Hey! Why can’t I do that? Didn’t that Luna and Celestia have the power to do that?”
“Well, actually,” said Tempest, “they haven’t done that for a long time. They used to, but now the sun and moon move on their own. You see–”
“Bah!” said the Storm King. “I don’t need a science lesson! Whatever. The point is, the sun and moon can’t be switched. A bit disappointing, but firing laser blasts is cool. Any other powers it grants? Time manipulation? Summoning? Bone repair?”
“It should grant shapeshifting,” said Tempest.
“Sounds great!” declared the Storm King. He suddenly turned into a fish. “Okay, that didn’t work.” After several more attempts that only led to comically weak creatures, he finally turned back to normal. “Maybe that’ll take a while to get the hang of.”
“Now, about my–”
“Hang on, Tempest!” said the Storm King. “We have to finish with this first! Does this staff do anything else? Does it clean windows? Oh, I hope it cleans windows!”
“It should give you whatever powers that those who it took power from possessed, only magnified,” said Tempest. “So whatever they could do, you can do, only better.”
“Oooh, that does sound cool!” said the Storm King. “We should have the minions do research on that sort of thing!”
“Now, again, about my horn…”
“But Tempest!” declared the Storm King. “Why do you need it? Think about it. You accomplished all of this without a full horn. You proved you don’t need one! After all, your magic works fine without it. You don’t need it fixed!”
“Well, perhaps, but it would still be nice to–”
“I’m so glad we learned this lesson!” declared the Storm King. “Anyway, where should we go next? I was thinking–”
“Fix my horn already!” screamed Tempest.
“Fine, if you’re going to be that way about it,” said the Storm King before nonchalantly pointing the staff at Tempest and firing off a blast at her.
“Wait, what?!” said Tempest after she got up.
“What?” said the Storm King. “I’m evil. I lied.”
“But… why?” asked Tempest in disbelief.
“You know, that’s a very good question,” said the Storm King as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Now, if the implication was that I knew how to heal it before you got the staff and was waiting as a test, then it’s odd you decided to trust me just on the basis of that. On the other hand, if it was that I would fix your horn after getting the staff, it makes no sense that I wouldn’t given that I have the power. Honestly, I’m not really that credible a villain.” He shrugged. “But who cares? I’ve got an awesome magic staff now! Woohoo!” He accidentally fired a blast through the wall. “I meant to do that.”
Angered, Tempest launched herself at the Storm King. He shrugged and blasted her again, sending her flying away. “Darn it, betray someone after they serve you loyally for a lengthy period of time and they get all uppity about it. So annoying.”
During all of this, Sunset had gotten up without being noticed and discretely moved closer to the Storm King. She then nonchalantly jumped into the air and rammed him from behind. This knocked the staff out of his hands and sent it flying.
After a brief pause in which the two recovered from the attack, they took a quick glance at each other and ran towards the staff. Both reached it at the same time and tried to grab it from the other. The dual pulling on it caused the staff to split into two, sending both of them flying back while holding their half of the staff.
“Ha!” said the Storm King. “Maybe you got half of the staff, but the fact I have actual fingers allows me to hold it much more easily! Isn’t that right, Tempest?” There was a pause. “Tempest?” There was another pause. “Oh, right; I betrayed her and such. Well, let’s find out.” He aimed the staff at Sunset and let loose a blast. Sunset aimed her part of the staff at him and fired back also, but had greater difficulty aiming it due to the Storm King’s statement about fingers actually being true.
“You know,” said the Storm King as he advanced due to his blast being more powerful for the reasons given in the previous paragraph, “I’m disappointed, because I can’t think of any good quips right now. So annoying. Got any ideas?”
Realizing that she wasn’t going to win this battle, Sunset abruptly jumped to the side, causing the beam to bypass her. She then ran off, holding the half-staff in her mouth.
“Hey!” said the Storm King. “You can’t flee! I’m a boss battle!” He blasted at the fleeing Sunset. The first several ones missed, but one did hit her, causing the half-staff to go flying up in the air.
“Ha!” said the Storm King as he went over to catch the staff. “That’s what happens when you try to flee from a boss!”
Before the Storm King was able to catch it, however, Gilda swooped through and grabbed it herself. “Ha!” she said. “Got it!”
“Aw, man,” complained the Storm King. “The last hour character who shows up to help you out. Lame!”
Gilda landed next to Sunset. “I’m not fully sure what’s going on right now, but he’s the bad guy, and we need to hold onto this staff, right?”
“An astute observation,” said Sunset.
“Wait,” said Gilda, “are you saying it actually is an astute observation, or was that sarcasm? I couldn’t tell.”
“I was being serious!” said Sunset.
“Oh, good,” said Gilda. “Anyway, what’s the plan? Got any ideas? You understand the situation better than I do.”
“Yeah, could you hurry up on that?” asked the Storm King. “Talking is a free action so I’m kind of stuck just waiting around until you actually do something.”
“Uh…” said Sunset. “Run off and figure something out later?”
“Works for me!” said Gilda as the two tried to do that, with the Storm King in pursuit. However, the Storm King’s progress was halted as Flim, Flam, Suri, Trixie, and Lightning Dust suddenly popped up in front of him.
“Wait!” announced Trixie. “Can I interest you in a trial period for a product?”
“I thought that was supposed to be our–” started Flim, but he was cut off by the Storm King simply brushing them all to the side with his half-staff and continuing his pursuit.
“After him!” declared Lightning Dust as she took off.
“She knows that the rest of us aren’t fast enough to keep up with her, right?” asked Flam.
“What’s your point?” asked Trixie.
“Um… actually, I’m not sure,” admitted Flam.
Meanwhile…
“Okay,” said Gilda, “I think we lost him, at least for a minute or two. Got any plans? I could really use some plans here.”
“If we could surprise him, we might be able to get the staff away from him, put them together, and win,” said Sunset.
“Hrm,” said Gilda, “here’s a question. If the reason he’s able to overpower you is because he can hold the staff better, why not give it to me? I’m the one with talons.”
“I’m not sure you can channel the magic as effectively,” said Sunset. “You don’t have experience.”
“Well, do we know anyone who has experience with magic and has hands or claws?”
Suddenly, the Storm King burst in. “Sorry! Talking isn’t a free action anymore!”
Trixie, Flim, Flam, and Suri also burst in. “Uh, why?” asked Trixie.
“Actually, I’m not sure,” said the Storm King. “It just seemed like a cool thing to say.”
“Oh, wow, can I relate to that idea,” said Trixie. “Sometimes it doesn’t really matter if what I say makes sense, as long as it sounds cool, right?”
“Exactly!” said the Storm King. “Finally someone else gets it.”
“So, uh, are we fighting the guy, or what?” asked Gilda.
“Maybe we don’t have to!” said Trixie. “After all, we’ve reached a commonality, so perhaps based on that we can–”
“Wait a minute,” said the Storm King. “You’re trying to stall me, aren’t you?”
“What? Why would I be doing that?” asked Trixie. “What would I even be stalling you for?”
“That’s exactly what someone who was trying to stall me would say!” said the Storm King.
“Isn’t it also what someone who wasn’t trying to stall you would say?” said Trixie.
“Bah, too confusing to figure out,” said the Storm King. “It’s like that puzzle where one guy tells the truth and one guy tells lies and you need to figure out which is which based on asking a single question.”
"Isn’t that actually really easy?” said Trixie. “Just ask ‘what is 1 plus 1’ and then you’ll know if they’re the truth-teller or the liar.”
“Huh, that is actually… wait a minute, that’s more stalling!” said the Storm King. “I’m not going to fall for that anymore!” He pointed the staff at them. “Now, if you–”
ZAP!
Chrysalis, Discord, Shining Armor, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst, Twilight, and a whole lot of others suddenly appeared. “Ta-da!” said Discord. “I know it took a lot of failed teleports to make it here, but twenty-third time’s the charm!”
Due to the distraction, however, the Storm King was able to grab the other half of the staff and re-attach them together. “Ha!” he said. “It doesn’t matter if you have reinforcements while I have this power!”
“Could you give me a 5-second summary of what the situation is?” Chrysalis asked the group.
Trixie pointed at the Storm King. “Bad guy with super-powerful staff.”
“Gotcha,” said Chrysalis. “ATTACK!”
Words cannot describe the absolutely epic fight sequence that ensued, which is extremely useful when it means the narration is easy. The end result is that, while taking some damage, the Storm King was ultimately able to defeat all of his attackers with his staff. “Wow,” he said, “I think I’m really getting the hang of this thing!”
“Ha!” said Chrysalis. “That’s where you’re wrong! We’ve been stalling you this whole time!”
The Storm King stared blankly at her. “That’s a fairly lame bluff.”
“Well, duh,” said Chrysalis. “My mention that I was stalling you was part of stalling you.”
Lightning Dust suddenly slammed into the Storm King from behind. “Sorry for being late! I got a bit lost and missed the whole fight.”
The Storm King turned and pointed his staff towards Lightning Dust and fired. Lightning Dust dodged it.
“Okay, I guess that surprise attack didn’t work,” said Lightning Dust as she dodged a few more blasts. However, she then got hit by one and fell to the floor.
“And now my victory is finally complete!” declared the Storm King. “And I even got a great battle out of it! Too bad no one recorded it, because it would have made a great climax of a film.”
“That’s where you’re wrong!” declared Chrysalis. “Because I know something you don’t!”
“And what is that?” asked the Storm King.
“The exact amount of energy that a Model SQ-9 Energy Absorbing Staff is able to output before it needs a recharge,” she said. “And you just went past it.”
The Storm King pointed his staff towards Chrysalis. Nothing happened.
“Well,” said the Storm King, “that might have actually been a problem, if not for the fact that you’re all exhausted and defeated and won’t be a threat to me. All I have to do is call in some of the guards, take you away, and can recharge it at my leisure. So as you can see, I–”
The Storm King was cut off by Tempest Shadow abruptly ramming into him from behind. “Ha!” he said as he turned around. “I still have the staff! So I can use it to… blast… uh-oh. Hey, is it too late to restore that horn of yours?”
Tempest Shadow blasted him.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” said the Storm King just before the force smashed him into a wall.
“Haha!” said Gilda as she leaped over and grabbed the staff from him while he was dazed. “I was just pretending to be defeated! That way if something like this happened, I’d be able to do something! It was in no way just a way to escape later.”
Discord got up. “Wait, you were also doing that? I thought I was the only one.”
Trixie also got up. “Um, I had the same strategy. Was anyone else doing it also?”
After a chorus of agreements, it was quickly discovered that pretty much everyone was only pretending to be defeated with the goal of, depending on how much stock one put into their explanation, either running away when they got a chance or striking a decisive blow when the opportunity occurred.
“So, uh, how do I give all the magic back?” asked Gilda. “Does smashing it work? Usually that works.”
The Storm King, however, at this point had managed to get back up and pulled out one of the orbs that Tempest Shadow had used for petrification earlier. “Uh, Gilda–” started Sunset.
“On it,” said Gilda nonchalantly as she pulled out a shotgun and aimed it at the orb. Equally nonchalantly, she pulled the trigger and blasted the orb, causing it to nonchalantly blow up and nonchalantly turn the Storm King into stone instead in this rather nonchalant sentence. “Okay, so now what do I do with this staff?”
“Well, we should probably restore anyone who’s gotten petrified with it,” said Chrysalis. “But it’ll take a little while for it to recharge itself. We’ll have to wait an hour or two.”
“Well, how did you end up here with all of them?” asked Flam.
“Oh, well, while I sent you off to get the Hippogriffs, I headed to the Crystal Empire,” said Chrysalis. “I thought maybe if their problem could be solved, they’d be able to help. And after an epic adventure indeed, everything got sorted out and Discord was able to teleport us here.”
“So us going all the way to get the Hippogriffs was pointless?” asked Suri. “You would’ve just come in anyway?”
“Oh, nonsense!” said Chrysalis. “You distracted them long enough for me to come in and help out, and you also used up some of that staff’s strength anyway! If not for that, we would’ve probably lost.”
Suddenly, Capper, various Hippogriffs, and some sky pirates burst into the room. “All right, Storm King, your…” Capper started before trailing off. “Oh, he’s already defeated? Then I suppose this whole alliance-building thing I did wasn’t necessary.”
“Okay, so maybe we wouldn’t have lost,” said Chrysalis. “But, uh, what happened?”
“How’d you get all of them to join up with you?” asked Trixie. “We couldn’t convince the hippogriffs.”
“Oh, I just sang a song about how it’s ‘time to be awesome’ to the pirates, and about ‘one small thing’ to the hippogriffs,” said Capper.
“Darn it, I knew I should’ve gone with that one for the hippogriffs,” muttered Lightning Dust.
“But as to how I got there and we got here?” asked Capper. “It was an epic story indeed, involving heartbreak and redemption! You see, I ended up with the hippogriffs after–”
“Can we catch up on all of this later?” asked Sunset. “We may have beaten the head bad guy, but we do still have those soldiers of his to deal with.”
“Oh, that’s no problem, actually,” said Tempest Shadow. “They never really cared that much about him. They mostly worked for the retirement benefits, really.”
“By the way,” said Gilda, “Trixie, were you actually stalling him back then in the hopes someone would pop up to help? Or were you actually just making idle chatter?”
“A little here, a little there,” said Trixie.
“Okay!” said Chrysalis. “Now we just need to get everything sorted out, turn Luna and the others back to normal, do the necessary cleanup, figure out what to do with the soldiers that aren’t our enemies anymore, and then we can get back to the showing of the movie and everything else. I’m sure it won’t take that long!”
“How would it not take that long?” asked Suri.
“Oh, easy,” said Chrysalis. “Once that staff gets its power back we can just use it to zap everything back to normal. Simple!”
And so Equestria was saved from yet another existential threat. Things went back to normal, until the invasion of androids from the future. But that is another story. And also didn’t actually happen. Anyway, one staff getting its power back and using it to zap everything back to normal and one movie screening later…
“Well, initial impressions seem good but not great,” said Lightning Dust. “I suppose that’s not bad for a movie.”
“Why are you telling me this?” asked Sunset.
“Wait, we weren’t playing a game of ‘tell people things they don’t know’?” asked Lightning Dust.
“While that seems more tolerable than your original idea for a game, it still seems rather pointless,” said Sunset.
“Oh, come on!” said Lightning Dust. “Pointless things can have a point, you know.”
Meanwhile…
“Hi!” said Chrysalis. “I bet you’re wondering why I came up to you and introduced myself?”
Tempest Shadow stared at her. “Um… I guess?”
“Well, given that you did help us out against the Storm King, I wanted to talk to you because you were a major player in his army so maybe you could answer some questions,” said Chrysalis. “A lot of them are, admittedly, out of curiosity. What was his name, anyway?”
“It was the Storm King,” said Tempest. “That was his actual name. Including the lowercase t in the word ‘the.’”
“Huh,” said Chrysalis. “Kind of a doofy name. Oh, speaking of which, I did some research and totally figured out what your original name was: Fizzlepop Berrytwist.”
Tempest made a face.
“Yeah, I’d stick with Tempest Shadow,” said Chrysalis. “I was sort of wondering what you did to make your parents hate you so much, though.”
“They wanted a boy,” said Tempest Shadow.
“Enh, don’t worry about it,” said Chrysalis. “I mean, the Storm King’s name apparently actually is ‘the Storm King,’ after all. Including, for some reason, the word ‘the’ being lowercase.”
“Yes, it was a rather odd name,” said Tempest.
“So, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with having been given a weird name!” said Chrysalis. “I mean, my original name was Jane Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!”
Tempest stared at her. “Really?”
“Yeah!”
“Really?”
“Nah,” said Chrysalis. “It’s always been Chrysalis. You’ve fallen for another of my classic pranks.”
Tempest Shadow stared at Chrysalis.
“Anyway!” said Chrysalis. “I recommend you stick with Tempest Shadow. A much better name. And my assistant Luna will be with you to deal with the rest of the stuff I don’t feel like doing… uh, where is she?”
“I’m right here,” said Luna.
“Good!” said Chrysalis. “Right where I thought you’d be! Anyway, finish up things with Tempest Shadow here, and then go and find me another hydrodynamic spatula with port and starboard attachments and a turbo-drive.”
Tempest stared after Chrysalis as she left. “How do you put up dealing with her?”
“Mostly the dental plan,” said Luna with a sigh.
“Dental plan?!”
“It’s a really good dental plan,” said Luna.
“How good a dental plan can possibly make you put up with working for her?!”
Luna pulled out a piece of paper and showed it to Tempest, who skimmed through it, eyes widening.
“Uh… wow,” said Tempest. “Yeah, I’d consider being Chrysalis’s assistant too for that.”
“So, anyway,” said Luna as she pulled out another piece of paper. “Time for some notes to answer a bunch of remaining questions. What were the restrictions on that Grubber character’s powers anyway? You mentioned it briefly.”
“Honestly, that was basically a one-time thing,” said Tempest. “He somehow got that power through an accident with a genie and a robot. I don’t understand it all myself.”
“And given that the Storm King’s minions had fingers, why weren’t they using guns or anything? Those do exist.”
“Desire to make sure that no one we needed to take power from got killed,” said Tempest. “And then after he got the staff, there wasn’t an opportunity to have them equip them. Also, I think he has some kind of fear of guns anyway after an incident in his childhood.”
“Did he get shot at or something?”
“No,” said Tempest, “he accidentally got a gun for his birthday instead of the thing he really wanted, which made him resentful of them ever since.”
“Well,” said Luna, “I suppose that worked out well for us.”
“To be fair,” said Tempest, “his soldiers are all really lousy shots too. It’s kind of odd.”
And their conversation continued which ended up solving basically every single plot hole and unanswered question about this adventure, except for one, as that one was interrupted by one of the Storm King’s minions running excitedly up to Tempest.
“Great news!” said the aforementioned minion. “Now we’re third in line with customer service!”
