Certifiably Insane

by Tjtbomb

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Sex, Gilda, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 26931

Stallions are weak, soft, sensitive, and need a mare to take care of them. Everypony knows that. Well, except this one Stallion, but he’s insane, so he needs help anyway, right? (RGRE one shot extended into a half-proper story. Idk)

In Equestria, every stallion is treated with all the chivalries and respect he can bear. Because Stallions are more sensitive and more easily hurt when they aren’t taken care of by the mares around them.

So when Twilight hears of a lone stallion that swears like a sailor at passerby and ‘takes no shit from nobody, whether it good shit or bad shit,’ she’s dubious of the claims, but is sure that no stallion can be allowed to live so close to the Everfree all alone.

So she decides to do her best to save him.

And by save, I mean put him in the care of mares and get him herding.

And by him, I mean me.

And by me, I mean an earth-pony badass, formerly a human, formerly of Earth.

And by does her best, I mean she can try.

Bring it on whorse. I’m a hormonally imbalanced human psychopath with a death wish and an alcohol addiction trapped in the body of a tiny fucking horse.

In other words, I’m a pissed man who’s gonna have a helluva good time shattering your sexism through insults and violence.

I love to set the world afire, don’t you?

====================

RGRE Fanfic.

Sex tag is for mention thereof for comedic purposes. No clop here.

Featured! 4/2/18-4/3/18-7/6/19

Cover art is credit to Navanastra.

I would also like to state that this is half crackfic, half serious, so three of the groups its featured in are people insulting it, unfortunately. They're trying to point out cringey stuff in a story that's full of it on purpose, so... good luck with that. Enjoy.

(VERY inconsistent updates. I'm a college student.)

Published 2018-04-02 01:10:11 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-08 00:27:39 UTC

STAB IT WITH A RUSTY SPOON

“Twilight!”

Twilight Sparkle looked up from the large tome she was reading and greeted one of her closest friends.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash! The latest Daring Do book just came in if you want it.”

The cyan Pegasus shook her head violently.

“Not what I’m here for, Twilight! I need to show you something you won’t believe!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and put the book away before she stood up.

“Something I won’t believe? Is this actually what you say it is, or are you planning another prank? You’re going to have to give me a better reason to follow you.”

Rainbow groaned and shook her head in her hooves, clearly anxious to get going.

“Fine! But I’m telling you, you won’t believe it!”

Twilight gave her a deadpan look as she sorted a few out of place books on the shelves around them.

“Try me.”

“A new stallion just moved into town.”

“Well that’s no-“

“A single stallion. With no mares helping him.”

“Well... that’s unusual-“

“Twilight he’s practically living in the Everfree!”

THUMP!

“WHAT!?”

Twilight dropped a particularly heavy book to the floor in her shock, not even noticing the damage done to it.

“We have to move him back into town! Go get the girls! I’ll get him away from there!”

Dashie saluted and shot out of the library in record time, leaving a rainbow trail behind her.

A few minutes later Twilight finally found the newly erected house just on the edge of the dangerous forest. It was a strong house, made of stone and wooden beams, with a sturdy roof. Clearly a mare’s work.

Breathless, she quickly rapped on the door, not sparing a second to get this defenseless stallion to safety.

Grumbling and heavy hoofsteps made their way to the door and pulled it open.

Twilight threw herself onto the surely petrified stallion, desperate to console him.

“Oh, you poor thing!”

“The Fock!?”

Before Twilight could properly gasp at the coarse language, she found herself back outside the doorway with a sore jaw. The stallion had... punched her? And it actually hurt?

She pulled herself off the ground to see a glowering grey and black earth stallion with blood-red eyes glaring down at her from a two-legged stand. His front hooves crossed over his barrel in an impressive display of balance.

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me ye damn bitch.”

Twilight had never been so amazed in all her life. A mere earth-pony stallion had just decked her with a single punch and unleashed more swears in one sentence than Twilight had ever heard in her life. Not only that, but he had an abrasively deep accent from Ireband.

Twilight snapped out of her thoughts and quickly rolled to her feet.

“You’ve got to come with me! It’s not safe for stallions to be so near to the Everfree! I’ll make sure whatever mare put your house here gets a stern wor-“

“Oi! Fock you!”

Twilight had her rant derailed by those two words she never would have expected from a stallion.

“Huh?”

“No feckin’ mare built this! I put my own blood, sweat, and shite into this house! Thank you very FOCKIN’ much!”

“B-but it’s so well made! An-“

“Also, who the fock are you!? Telling me to leave my house! I worked my ass off to build the damn place! No way in hell am I leaving it! You’ll have to kill me first!”

Twilight quickly decided the stallion was hysterical and changed her tactics, adopting a more consoling tone.

“Please sir, I’m only trying to protect you! Stallions aren’t safe out here! What if a Timberwolf comes for you?”

Twilight had fully expected the stallion to cower at the thought of a Timberwolf, she did not expect a maniacal smile to split his face. He gave a surprisingly calm and collected answer, despite it’s contents.

“Then I’ll kill ’em. Alaways use some more firewood.”

Twilight was flabbergasted by the brazenly morbid answer and backed away from the clearly unstable stallion.

“You’re not afraid at all? Wh-what the hay is your special talent anyway!?”

“You mean them magic-ass tattoos? Fuck em’. Didn’t want something half-assed like a flower or some shite so I took care of it.”

He turned to show a sickening sight to Twilight. A make-shift cutie mark was carved into his hide, leaving a scar in the shape of a jagged skull and crossbones imprinted into his flesh.

Twilight teared up at the pain the stallion must have gone through and reached her hoof towards the wound, only to have it slapped away.

“Who did this to you? What kind of mare would turn an innocent stallion into a monster? Who in the name of Celestia did this!?”

“Monster? There’s a fine line between insane and a monster, ye little shite. And I jest so happen to be a guy who takes life by the horns and does what he bloody well wants with it. No one made me but me. Ta-hell with yer’ sexism, yah prick.”

He gave Twilight a contemplative look.

“And to answer yer other question-“

The red-eyed stallion walked back inside the door on his hind legs and turned to face her again.

“Jack Marley, at yer service, neighbor.”

He slammed the door and Twilight clearly heard him engage a long series of locks. She took a few steps forward and almost knocked again, only for a knife point to suddenly burst through the door a mere inch from her nose.

“NOW FUCK OFF!”

Twilight ran from the dangerous, and clearly in need of help, stallion. Luckily, she thought with a grimly determined smile, she knew just the mares to ask.

...

A Timberwolf happened to wander onto the lawn right after Twilight left, attracted by the commotion.

One forced entry, one destroyed dinner, and one drunk stallion later, the Timberwolf was chased back into the woods by a deranged, and thoroughly pissed, grey stallion.

Twilight missed this encounter, but did not miss the sudden yell that echoed all the way back to Ponyville.

“STAB IT WITH A RUSTY SPOON!!!”

Thus begins the tale of Jack Marley, yours truly.

Author's Note

Can someone do me a solid and draw a pissed, grey, and Irish stallion with a black mane and red eyes generally not giving a fuck? I need a cover. Much appreciated.

BORN IN THIS HOLE DIE IN THIS HOLE

In the time it took Twilight to return with the rest of the Mane 6, only about an hour, a grisly lawn ornament had been added to Jack’s yard.

True to his word, Jack had more firewood. The head of a Timberwolf was jammed firmly onto the top of a pole just off the walkway like some sort of strange greeting.

The group glanced at the decoration uneasily as they passed, giving the still-dripping pool of resin a wide berth.

Rainbow stared at the front door of the house, the knife from earlier still poking out menacingly.

“How crazy is this guy again?”

“Crazy enough to kill a Timberwolf with a spoon?”

Rainbow turned to Applejack after a moment of confusion. Applejack simply pointed to the rusty spoon embedded in what was left of the cranial cavity of the Timberwolf.

“Huh...”

Fluttershy stamped her hoof in a surprisingly out of character turn of anger.

“OOOH- Oh dear!”

Fluttershy seemed equally worried and angry at the killer, most likely split between fussing over whether or not they were injured, or lecturing them for killing the wildlife.

They found themselves standing on the surprisingly sturdy porch before the ominous door as Twilight went over the plan again.

“Okay girls, here’s what we know: a hysterical earth pony stallion has locked himself in this house he built himself, he’s vulgar, rude, prone to self harm, very strong, a little handsome-“

“Twilight!”

Twilight blushed and went on.

“A-and he says he doesn’t have a mare of his own, which is honestly ridiculous and impossible, which means he’s avail- I mean- vulnerable all alone here. Therefore we have to save him from himself, the Everfree, and his abysmal love life. Any questions?”

Rarity raised a hoof.

“Rarity?”

“Did he really build this house? If it isn’t his special talent I can’t imagine he did.”

The stallion in question suddenly jerked up from a drunken stupor, his skill challenged... and then promptly shrugged and collapsed back on the couch.

“It’s highly unlikely that this is anything other than a mare’s work, it’s far too put together and well made. Anything else...?”

There wasn’t any other questions, so they quickly laid out their plans. Twilight would knock on the door again, and hopefully the stallion would come willingly. If not, then the others, who would all be hidden around and, in the pegasi’s case, above the door, would jump in and restrain him.

Twilight looked at their preparations again in satisfaction. There was an extra houseplant or three on the porch, but that was hardly noticeable.

“Everypony ready?”

Whispered confirmation sounded as she took a deep breath and loudly knocked on the door.

“Go away.”

Twilight blinked in surprise at the rude reply. She looked to the others, who motioned her on.

“Uh... hey, Jack, was it?”

“What do ye want purple horse?”

Twilight turned bright red at the insult and just barely managed to stammer out her words without lacing them with anger.

“W-wha- well I-... P-please Jack, I only want to talk.”

The knife in the door suddenly quivered and withdrew, revealing a crimson eye peering out at her.

“You have five of yer friends out there, so I’m gonna say no.”

Twilight gasped before smacking a hoof over her mouth. She hung her head and waved the others out, their reactions were much the same. Rainbow looked shocked.

“Wha? How’d he know!?”

“I’m not deaf, ya pricks. You’ve been talking on my porch for the last five minutes. That said, I didn’t care anyway. So-“

Jack kicked open the unlocked door. Revealing his bipedal gait and scarred flanks.

“ ‘Sup assholes?”

They all stared at the seemingly idiotic/psychotic stallion for a moment before Fluttershy suddenly approached him. She was a little daunted by his extra height but continued forward to confront him. She prodded him in the chest and launched into her tirade, the ‘stare’ evenly meeting his expressionless eyes.

The others averted their eyes a bit despite the fact that the wrath of the shy pony wasn’t even directed at them.

A Five-minute rant later about how he should be ashamed of his actions toward others and himself and how he should apologize to them, she dropped back to the floor.

Jack stood there for a moment, just staring, before he suddenly jerked and glanced down at her.

“Sorry, were ye’ saying something? I started ignoring you about three words in. Plus, that little stare of yours? S’posed to make you feel guilty and shit right? Well I have no regrets, so you ain’t got shite on me.”

Jack basically broke Fluttershy.

He crossed his hooves again and gave the awed group a seemingly unaffected glare.

Twilight was panicking internally, nothing had ever said no in the face of Fluttershy’s serious face, and it was scientific fact in Twilight’s mind.

Twilight then had a sudden brilliant idea, she could have just restrained him with magic! She immediately lit up her horn, and was about to grab him when he suddenly stepped forward and swatted her horn, disrupting the spell.

“I don’t think so.”

Luckily the others saw their opportunity and jumped for him while Fluttershy shoved the door closed. They bashed heads when Jack dove out of the way at unbelievable speed. He was already halfway across the lawn by the time the mares managed to pull themselves out of the resulting tangle.

Rainbow sped forward and cut him off from the forest while the rest surrounded him. He glanced back and forth with those piercing crimson eyes before laughing.

“Well, this should be fun.”

He suddenly leaped straight up and slammed back down and through the ground. Twilight gasped and rushed to the edge of the hole,

WHUMP!

-only to be met with a clod of dirt to the face. A geyser of dirt and stone erupted from the hole and shrank just as quickly.

“Aww! I didn’t even get to throw him his “Welcome to Ponyville!” Party, or his “Happy You’re Safe!” Party, or even his “Will you be my very special somepony?” Party!”

“Wait, what?”

Pinkie stuffed her hoof in her mouth and smiled sheepishly. Twilight facehooved and glared into the hole sourly.

“Focus girls! We need to find him! He could get hurt tunneling around like that!”

“Who says I left, bitch!?”

Twilight whirled about. Jack was standing beside yet another hole in the ground covered in dirt.

“This is My Turf! I’ll fuck up whatever tiny focking horse tries to shove me off it!”

With that, he plunged back into the ground, burrowing faster than Maud Pie could ever hope to.

“Jack!” Twilight cried out. “Get out of there! It’s not safe for you to be tunneling!”

Jack’s voice echoed through the rapidly forming tunnel system.

“BORN IN THIS HOLE DIE IN THIS HOLE!”

He suddenly burst up between Twilight’s hooves to deliver one last insult.

“ASSHOLE!”

It ryhmed.

Twilight made to grab him again with magic, only for a mouthful of chewed dirt to hit her square in the eyes.

The amount of holes in the ground continuously grew as the other mares split up to try and nab the unstoppable stallion.

After an hour or two, Jack had finished digging and only had to jump from hole to hole to avoid a mare’s grasp. Rainbow and Fluttershy’s wings were so sore from the endless chase that they were reduced to directing the others. Applejack and Pinkie were still going strong... for now at least, and Rarity and Twilight had been pelted by so many objects as they tried to grab him that they were almost polka-dotted with dirt.

Twilight sighed and sat down in the midst of the chaos and rubbed her head to try and alleviate the pounding headache she had developed.

“Take five everypony.”

Jack peeked his head up barely three feet away from her, his ever-present smirk victoriously apparent.

“Quitting already? I knew ye’ were fast, but come on then!”

Twilight blushed for the 407th time that night (yes she counted), and half-heartedly lit up her horn to grab him once more. A single pebble hit her nose.

Strangely that was also the last straw it took for Twilight to realize something. A little, creepy smirk lit up her face as she turned to her friends. One by one they noticed her with confusion and soon ceased talking with one another.

Jack steadily shrunk deeper into his hole with an uneasy expression.

“Oookaaaaayyyy.... uh... did she actually lose ‘er mind, or...?”

Twilight gave a little chuckle and turned her gaze back to Jack’s. As if taking a cue, he abruptly dropped and vanished into the soil completely.

“I’ve got it... I finally figured it out.”

The girls exchanged worried looks. Rarity inched forward and placed a tentative hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

“Um, figured what out, dear?”

“Why we’re still out here.”

“...not to catch Jack?”

“But why are we trying to catch Jack? The answer should be that every other stallion is meek and defenseless against most mares. But then, we meet this one Stallion, and already some of you fancy him. Myself included. Why?”

“Uh, do tell?”

Twilight suddenly grabbed Rarity and pulled them face-to-face, a manic smile splitting her features.

”Have you ever heard of a Stallion playing hard to get?”

Rarity’s eyes glazed over as she considered the possibilities. Twilight turned to the rest.

“Have any of you?”

No’s all around.

Twilight blushed again, but much, much heavier than ever before. Little hearts formed in her eyes as she gazed out on the battlefield they had made and locked her gaze on the farthest burrow, where Jack’s ears poked over the edge as he eavesdropped.

“Girls, I think I’m in love.”

The expression on Twilight’s face soon spread to the others’. Fluttershy, shockingly, was the first.

“I-I... I think I am to.”

“He’s... pretty rad.”

And then Rainbow Dash. And Pinkie.

“I was gonna throw a party to ask him out!”

And Rarity.

“Despite the fact that he’s uncouth, and made an absolute mess of my coat and mane, he’s oddly... cute.”

Applejack froze, not sure what to say... and then said what was on her mind.

“Ah want to buck his brains out.”

“Applejack!”

“OOH! Can it be a threesome?!”

“(Holy Shite.)”

“I CALL FIRS-wait a second.”

The group turned to stare at the burrow currently holding the object of their desire. After a moment of silence, a gray hoof waved at them.

“Go away damnit! I’m not here!”

A spurt of dust signaled his departure.

Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash all turned to face one-another. Twilight pulled the huddle closer and whispered urgently.

“Promise to share?”

Nods.

Twilight smiled and put her hoof out.

“Meet back here tomorrow morning then?”

A chorus of giggles, nods, and excited looks answered as the others’ hooves joined Twilight’s in the middle. They bounced their hooves once and threw them in the air before splitting up to their respective homes.

Of course, they all sent a somewhat sultry look back toward the lone house before they left properly.

Five minutes later, Jack was still brushing the excess dirt off his coat before he went back inside. He finally finished the task and turned back in the direction the lovestruck mares took.

“The Fock just happened?”

I AM A PARANOID MOTHERF*CKER

I AM A PARANOID MOTHERF*CKER

Jack stared up at the night sky for awhile, nursing his sore hooves. Marekind had caught him off guard this time, and it irked Jack more than he could say.

He knew The Rapist Six would be back tomorrow, probably as soon as they could get there. He had roughly twelve hours to prepare.

With an angry grunt, He drove his hoof into the dirt and pulled out a very special bottle that he had saved for just such an occasion. He popped the cap and watched the fizzing toxic substance with a toothy grin.

“You’re gonna regret this, horse. Nobody fucks Jack Marley without his say so.”

He lifted the bottle to the sky in a silent toast before slugging it back.

This is gonna be fun.

Aaaaaaand that was Jack’s last clear thought that night.

=================

Celestial raised the sun slowly, to reveal a prone body snoring loudly.

Jack lay passed-out on the front lawn, half inside one of the holes in the Swiss-cheese lawn, while empty jars, formerly full of home-brew, sat embedded in the mud around him.

Jack twitched and suddenly sprang upright with wild bloodshot eyes and a deafening yell.

”COFFEE!!!”

He twitched violently and stalked towards his house, not registering the dramatic changes that had taken place overnight.

Jack wrenched open the door and ducked under a flying sawblade as he made his way to the kitchen.

A series of land mines and trip-wires between him and the coffee pot were ignored as he automatically walked a convoluted path through the explosive gauntlet, a two-legged gait proving to be the only way one could squeeze through.

Jack smacked blindly at the machine on the counter until he finally found the pot handle and yanked it out. He held the pot up and tilted it back. A single drop of precious brown fluid fell onto his outstretched tongue.

The pot was promptly on the floor in many pieces as Jack rushed back the way he came, miraculously still not triggering any explosives.

He streaked back out the door and took off, pushing past piles of metal, tools, a large form hidden under a tarp, and finally making a running leap across the spike-filled moat that had appeared in the night.

He rolled as he landed among his bewildered would-be courtiers and took off at a breakneck pace down the hill and towards town, backhoofing Applejack as he passed. All the while chanting “coffeecoffeecoffee” under his breath.

Twilight stared after him, considered pursuing the obviously hungover, crazed stallion, glanced down at the now unconscious Applejack, and thought better of it.

She summoned a quill and paper and wrote a quick note to step lightly around Jack when he was ~~hungover~~ in his natural state.

Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity had come to similar conclusions, and had decided to stay put and wait for him to come back to the mess he had somehow built in one night.

Pinkie just giggled and bounced after the caffeine-starved stallion.

She reached the coffee shop just in time to see Java Jumper, the coffee-mare, get thrown out the front door.

Pinkie reached into her mane and whipped out a huge Woopie-cushion to break Java’s fall. After a moment to catch her breath, the green and white mare composed herself and thanked Pinkie Pie.

“CAFFEINATE ME!”

Pinkie looked through the open door of the Coffeeshop to see Jack dragging yet another hapless employee over the counter.

“S-sir! I’m afraid I can’t sell you anything if you don’t have the bits!”

Jack turned to an unsuspecting patron and spoke in a cold tone.

“Gimme twenty bits.”

The mare quickly forked over the fee and Jack slammed it onto the counter.

“Now give me my damn coffee!”

The trembling mare quickly filled a pitifully small cup and placed it on the counter. It took Jack all of one second to realize the problem.

“Give me all your coffee.”

“Y-you n-n-need more b-bits sir!”

Jack had just begun to turn to the crowd again when a dense rain of bits suddenly showered his hooves.

The mares of Ponyville had learned within a span of thirty seconds not to fuck with this stallion.

Especially when it came to coffee.

An hour later, a much more awake Jack trotted back up the path with a bag of coffee beans held under each foreleg.

He turned the last corner and frowned.

“Oh Goddamnit.”

Not only were Purple Horse and all her friends here, at some point during the night he had built a monstrosity outside of his house.

He groaned, slipped around the group with an annoyed expression and more or less ignored the whispered exclamations as Pinkie rejoined the huddle.

“He could be arrested for that! Couldn’t he!?”

Jack turned back to them with a raised eyebrow.

“Arrested for what, exactly?”

The group flinched, not realizing Jack had heard the comment. Twilight whirled around and started to stutter a lie before Jack cut her off.

“Don’t try it, yer a fockin awful liar. I know you lot think my habits ‘er bizarre, but which’un is illegal?”

Rarity pointed to the empty jars and blurted out an answer.

“Was there alcohol in those jars?”

Jack blinked and scowled. He didn’t like were this was going.

“Yes.”

The group suddenly advanced on him, blabbering questions on his health, how much he drank, where he got it, etc. Jack growled and threw his hoof around in a large sweep, pulling a six-mare bitch slap. Five of the six staggered back, more shocked by the fact that they were slapped than by the blow itself.

Twilight, however, could not be deterred.

“Stallions can’t hold alcohol!”

A chilling aura burst forth from Jack, and an evil grin split his face.
Fear swept up Twilight’s spine as a sudden... devilishly humored gaze swept over her.

“Oh really? Care t’ make a little wager then?”

Twilight, realizing she may have just unleashed a devil in pony form, shrunk back from the evil look, but nodded hesitantly. Jack grinned maniacally and chuckled under his breath.

“Pace yer strongest drinker against me, and we slug back our gin ‘til someone drops or dies. I drop first, and I’ll never drink again. Do we have a deal?”

Jack held out his hoof for that sealing hoofshake. Twilight looked back to her friends for a moment, asking silently if any of them were up to the task.

Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy shook their heads vigorously. Rainbow and Applejack looked confident however.

Reassured and smiling, Twilight grasped his hoof and shook it.

“We agree!”

Jack grinned and slammed his back hoof down. With a crack, a rough square of stone burst from the ground and rose to table height.

Twilight was awestruck by the sheer mastery of Earth pony magic Jack seemed to possess. She had read about others who could do something similar, and a few mares could swim through the earth like Jack, but his nonchalant ease while doing it was unheard of.

Jack laughed at their amazed faces as he carved the stone slab with his bare hooves into a table with practiced ease.

“Step one in surviving a world populated by horny women: Learn to run real fast, punch real hard, or master somethin’ overpowered.”

Jack stepped back from the finished table and flashed another toothy grin to the mares.

“I’ve learned all three, bitches. I’m a focking earth bender.”

Applejack shook her head in disbelief but flashed a confident grin and stepped up to the table.

“Daylight’s a wastin’, let’s get this going, Jack.”

Jack’s smile quickly turned sour as it descended into a scowl at Applejack’s bravado. He huffed and sank into the ground, presumably to retrieve some alcohol.

A minute later he surfaced again, a half-dozen jars of clear liquid tucked under one hoof, two shot glasses in the other.

“Let’s get this over wit’,” he spat.

He slammed down the jars and poured the two shots in a flash. Applejack’s slid over to her with a flourish, and they began.

What followed was certainly one of the longest documented drinking contests in Equestrian History. And it was against a stallion, no less.

The spectators had started to feel nauseous just by watching the pair repeatedly slug shot after shot of illegally high concentrations of alcohol.

Now several hours later, Jack glared down his thoroughly hazed opponent with a perfectly steady gaze, despite the literal gallons of moonshine he had downed. Both of them had taken more than one piss break when Jack inevitably had to retrieve more of his brew.

Applejack knew she was in trouble, the unnaturally collected stallion that had locked his bloody-eyed stare onto her own emerald gaze the entire contest was still just playing with her despite the frankly toxic liquor they had both been chugging.

AJ’s alcohol resistance was much larger than the others, mainly because her family brewed cider in massive amounts for special occasions and holidays, but she had never tasted or heard of a brew that was this potent or painful.

Eventually, all things end, and that’s what happened as the sun began to disappear behind the horizon.

AJ tried to lift yet another glass of the poisonous fluid to her lips, but made the mistake of staring into the almost viscous liquid.

Jack visibly smirked around his drink as Applejack paled, turned green, turned back to pale, and finally slammed her face into the table, out cold.

Twilight and the others jerked from their daydreaming with expectant smiles that quickly dropped into horror at the victor.

Jack collected the large pile of empty jars and dumped it into one of the holes in the lawn, blatantly ignoring the shell shocked mares with a smug grin.

He then quickly advanced on Applejack and grabbed her by the tail. Fluttershy winced as AJ’s head smacked the ground and her throughly intoxicated body was dragged over to them.

Jack dropped Applejack at Fluttershy’s feet and leaned over to whisper in the pegasus’s ear. She blushed at his closeness but listened and nodded when he stepped back.

Jack cast a frustrated eye on the rest of the mares, particularly Twilight, and went to raise a hoof in their direction, only to stop and stare at it. He clicked his tongue and turned to leave, forehooves crossed behind his head.

Twilight just barely heard him mutter, “Wish I still had fingers.”

She cocked her head in confusion at the foreign term, but noted it for later when Jack spoke up again.

“Oi, get off my property. I won this fockin’ long-ass contest, so you can’t bother me about m’drinkin’ anymore.”

Twilight slumped down for a moment, but suddenly perked up and smiled.

“Jack? You, uh, didn’t actually say we couldn’t bother you about it. You just said that if you lost, you would never drink again, right?”

Twilight shielded herself with magic just in case Jack suddenly threw something, but his response caught her off guard.

Jack groaned and facehooved angrily.

“Shiiiiiiite...”

Twilight puffed out her chest and swaggered just a bit as she walked closer to him.

She was just a bit smug that she had made a small victory over Jack after he had humiliated all of them just the day before.

“So, while there isn’t technically a law against stallions drinking, there’s nothing keeping us from taking your alcohol, is there?”

Jack chuckled and looked over his shoulder at her.

“Well, I would’n say nottin’...”

Twilight blinked as he abruptly dove into the ground, alcohol following a moment later, and burst out again in a shower of dirt on the other side of the moat.

He laughed and swaggered more than ever over to the covered object in the middle of the lawn.

“Ya see, purple horse, I’m not from around ‘ere, as ye’ might have guessed.”

Jack stopped and turned back to them, a wicked grin splitting his head.

“But where I’m from, we have the perfect machine to keep our moonshine away from the law. Lemme’ introduce you to a friend of mine...”

Jack whipped off the tarp, revealing a massive machine painted a bright orange, a black and white 01 painted on the side. Jack laughed evilly as he took a fancy jump and slid inside.

“The 1969 Dodge Charger! Better known as General Lee!”

Twilight had enough common sense to teleport out of the way as the infamous machine roared to life and lunged towards her. A ramp formed before the moat and the car cleared the gap as if it was made for it.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack and flew her away while Rarity fainted onto a mysteriously summoned couch. Pinkie Pie hopped to safety, produced a white cowboy hat and a fat cigar, and was shaking a hoof at the fleeing car as Twilight looked on in confusion and awe.

A slip of paper floated through the air and landed at her hooves. Twilight picked up the paper scrawled upon in what could only be Jack’s hoofwriting.

“Someday the mountain might get me but a purple whorse never will!
~Jack”

P.S.- Fuck you

Author's Note

I might edit this, had this one in the works for so long I’m not sure if it’s funny anymore. Sorry for the long wait, but unless my creative juices get another jumpstart, it might be awhile until the next one.

Oh hey, by the way, after the fiasco that was the first chapter’s comment section, anybody got anymore hate mail they wanna get off their chest? I just like reading it and laughing.

“Reclaimed” Letter File - 01

Dear Princess Celestia,

I’m writing to you to ask for advice and a big favor. Recently, my friendship with Applejack, Rarity,
Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash has become very stressed. I’m not entirely sure how it happened or who did what, but I believe the root cause to be Jack Marley, the unusual stallion I mentioned in my previous letter (I apologize for the stains, I was rather... excited at the time).

Ever since he suddenly showed up outside of town, living alone rather fearlessly despite the close proximity of the Everfree forest, the integrity of our friendship has quickly nosedived. I’m not sure if it’s the admittedly irresistible stallion’s mere presence that caused it, or if he’s deliberately sabotaging us in an attempt to drive us away.

It may be bold for me to make such accusations, but I believe it is the latter. Jack was never polite to anypony, and he has made it clear on many an occasion that he has no desire for a romantic partner, which does bring his mental state into question. I personally believe that Jack’s unusual hatred of company stems from mental disorder or past trauma, and he has mentioned in an off-hoof manner that he is insane.

On another note, Jack is also incredibly smart, industrious, and devious; not usual traits for a stallion. He is possibly the only pony I could imagine being able to orchestrate a long series of sabotage without leaving a trace of evidence except for motive.

Then your invitation to The Grand Galloping Gala came, and I don't dare say anything to the others because it would inevitably lead to another fight. I'm sorely tempted to ask Jack to come with me (though he would likely reject it with a volley of curses and sharp objects), but I would alienate my closest friends for good.

Therefore, the only solution I can come up with to make everyone happy is for you to send five more invitations. Four to myself, and one sent to Jack personally because of his incredible dislike for mares talking to him.

I hope this isn't to much to ask of you, but I hope this will heal our friendship.

Your Student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.- It sounds odd, and I know stallions aren't normally allowed to drink, but it wouldn't hurt to mention the presence of alcohol in Jack's invitation. It seems to be the only thing that motivates him (other than causing a liberal spread of chaos just for, and I quote, "shits and giggles.").

Marley Mail Notice- Instance #1

Yeah, I know it shouldn't be possible, but I specialize in shit like that.

Anyway, Dear CelestiASS, if there's not at least several kegs of your finest wine waiting for me, forget about me coming to your shit show. I'm only coming to get drunk and spread some anarchy.

And yeah, I do my best to drive them off, but they are really damn persistent. You get credit for picking some stubborn sons-of-bitches.

Your resident terrorist,
Jack Marley

P.S.- Fuck You.

P.P.S.- Yes, this is blood. No, you cannot ask where I got it.

BITCH I’M A BADASS

Author's Note

Admittedly this is a bit of a filler chapter, but I needed to set things up. Insert a bit of Jack's daily life, as it were.

Idk, but this is your chapter, so deal with it.

BITCH I’M A BADASS

General Lee lay hidden just beyond the tree line as Jack lay prone on a hill facing Ponyville; binoculars in hoof. A sinister crooked smile on his face as he watched the mares down below. He was more than a little amused with the way things had gone the last few days and he intended to continue the trend.

After Jack tore Ponyville's market a new one in the blazing orange car, Twilight and her friends were forced to go back to their jobs simply because none of them had worked at all the past three days.

This gave Jack the opportunity to realize his greatest disadvantage: his complete lack of allies.

Unfortunately, Jack hated everyone.

Stallions were absolute dumbasses who lacked the balls to even talk to someone as bad-mouthed and bold as him, and mares couldn’t last a full minute without flirting or trying to seduce him. He had yet to inquire about other species, but he had high hopes for Spike, Twilight’s diminutive dragon assistant, if he could only get him greedy enough to grow some balls of his own.

Jack’s solution? If he can’t have friends, no one can.

In a series of sabotages, cleverly placed and cruel pranks, and planted evidence that pointed the blame to another, Jack systematically and efficiently split up possibly the most important friendship in Equestria just to spite them.

And Jesus Christ it was easy.

He giggled maniacally as Rainbow Dash once again zoomed into town, right past Applejack’s apple stand. He clicked the small remote in hoof and right on cue, the front leg of the apple stand popped off like it had been hit.

Jack rolled about laughing as Applejack squawked in surprise and dove after her spilled merchandise. Unfortunately for her, it was already ruined by the hoof-traffic.

She glared up at the rapidly vanishing rainbow contrail and screamed in frustration.

Jack finally sat up and smiled with satisfaction. With this last bit of sabotage, his plan had gone perfectly. It had almost been too easy for him to break up the supposed “strongest friendship in Equestria.”

Jack bounced up to his usual stance and strutted back to General Lee, confident he would have very little problems with the Mane Six in the future.

============================

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

A red glare surfaced from grey fur, black mane, and thick blanket in disbelief.

No way in hell.

It had been several weeks since Jack had utterly destroyed the Mane Six’s friendship, and he had kept his contact with Ponyville to the minimum the entire time; only stepping hoof inside the town to refuse to pay taxes to a God he didn’t worship, and to store up on food.

With the ease he had split them up, he was not expecting any of them back anytime soon, but nevertheless-

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Someone was outside, knocking on his door, despite the minefield and moat blocking the way.

Jack growled darkly and snagged his knife from its resting place imbedded in the bedframe. He stalked toward the front door and put his hoof on the first of many locks before shouting through the door.

“The fock is it!?”

A very annoyingly familiar high-pitched voice answered back.

“HiJackIneedyourhelpbecausewhileyouweregoneTwilightfixedupourfriendshipandIwashavingfunwithRainbowDashandthenherfriendwhoisagriffinandisalsonamedGildacameoutofNOWHEREandthensheturnedouttobeabigmeaniepantsandIwantRainbowDashtospendtimewithmeagaininsteadofabigmeaniewhoscaresstallionsandstealsfood!”

Jack sighed and ran his hoof down his face. Unlike most of his problems, he had discovered that Pinkie was stab-proof (not for lack of trying), and would only lose her ability to defy logic and harm when her goal was met.

So with a long growl, Jack slowly unlocked each of the fifteen or so door locks and cracked open the door to see a teary-eyed Pinkie Pie looking up at him like a begging puppy with a quivering lip.

It almost made him care.

Almost.

He begrudgingly opened the door and glared menacingly for a moment before clicking his tongue in disgust. Pinkie whimpered hopefully.

“Jack?”

With a grunt, he shoved her aside and stalked toward General Lee. He slid inside with practiced ease and revved the engine with a small grin that quickly increased to a toothy smile when he looked back to Pinkie Pie.

She was looking at the ground crying, likely thinking she had lost one of her best friends.

Jack quickly decided to let her sit like that for awhile, relishing in her despair, but he eventually had to break the wonderful moment. He had things to do after all; horrible, terrible, delightfully fun things.

“Ya comin’ or what, dipshit?”

Pinkie gasped and looked up to see an obviously smug Jack. Her mane poofed back up and she bounced to her hooves to run over to the car.

“Why didn’t you say so earlier silly!”

A lazy red eye settled on her.

“I delight in yer misery. I’m not the type to go killin’ ponies, but I fockin’ hate you and yer friends. Now get in.”

Pinkie blinked in surprise but jumped into the passenger seat anyway. Jack slammed the gas and let the tires scream for a moment before taking off.

Pinkie was amazed at the foreign interior of General Lee, but soon kept her hooves tucked close to her barrel after Jack stabbed at her hoof for prodding the stereo. It was further reinforced by the monotone words uttered by the smolderingly volatile stallion.

“Touch this beaut, and I won’t miss next time.”

Pinkie nodded rapidly and kept quiet... for about two seconds.

“Why are you helping me, Jack? I mean, if you hate me so much.”

Jack cast a glance at her before looking back to the road.

“Ye wouldn’t get yer fat arse off my porch until I helped ye. Also, I don’t hate ye pink whorse.”

Pinkie looked back to him in surprise.

“I know yer just trying to help yer friends and all. Spread yer magic friendship shite... No, Pink whorse, ye want ta know what I think of you?”

Jack looked over with a surprisingly soft expression.

Pinkie blushed. Could it be?

“Yer a horny little bitch who I loathe with every fiber of my being.”

No, no it couldn’t.

Jack’s face contorted into a wicked grin as he spun the wheel violently and screeched around the sharp turn into Ponyville square.

Ponies scattered as the horrifyingly fast vehicle tore around the area a few times, doing donuts and smashing a few stands, before suddenly skidding to a stop to eject it’s cargo.

Pinkie yelped as she was suddenly thrown out of her seat and into the fountain as Jack laughed maniacally; one hoof still still extended where he had shoved her out.

A certain orange cow-pony peeked her head over her miraculously unharmed apple stand.

At the same time, Twilight rounded the corner into the square along with Rarity; summoned by the familiar roar of half-a-ton of angry metal and the screams of terrified bystanders.

Finally, a cyan Pegasus and her significantly more-feathered friend flew low to see what had happened.

Fluttershy was not present as she was still rather traumatized by the visiting griffin.

Jack climbed onto the roof of his car to better take in the sight of a drenched and dazed Pinkie sitting in the fountain.

“Heh... heh heh... heHEHAHAHEEHEE!!!”

Twilight looked on, flustered by the conflicting feelings of love and anger, as Jack descended into maniacal, insane giggling in a display of just how much of a plothole he could be.

Pinkie righted herself and shook her hoof at Jack in pretend anger before submitting to the blush that threatened to overtake her senses.

The griffin glanced about at the smitten ponies and decided to poke some fun.

“Oooh~ Hey Dash! I didn’t know you were into the dominant type. Is he on top?”

Rainbow Dash promptly dropped like a rock, face beet red and wings too stiff to flap. The rest of the mares squawked in surprise and blushed before turning to glare at the offending Griffin.

Except Pinkie, who promptly had an explosive nosebleed.

The female griffin preened a bit, rather proud of herself.

Jack took note of the wrecked market, upset mares, and the amused expression the griffin wore. He grinned a shark-tooth smile to her and gave a little bow before climbing back in the car.

Gilda laughed and glided down as the car roared and took off the way it had come. She watched until the oddity was out of sight before elbowing Dashie.

“So, that the stallion you were telling me about? The badflank hottie who lives in the Everfree?”

Rainbow Dash blushed and nodded.

“Yeah, that’s Jack alright...”

============================

Later that day, Jack was once again going about his daily business.

"FOCK THE HELL OFF YA TWATS!"

Jack yelled obscenities for a few more minutes into the mirror before nodding happily. Offending exercises done, he walked on hind legs through the heavily booby-trapped hallway of his house, automatically avoiding each trigger and trip wire without effort.

With a good kick, his back door flew open and he strolled into his fenced-in backyard, rubbing his fore-hooves together evilly. The ground was littered with empty jars, and a still sat off to one side. A huge hole and a large mound of dirt beside it sat squarely in the middle of the dirt yard, the bottom of the pit vanishing into the dark and a steel mining elevator was fixed to its edge. Finally, General Lee's garage, and Jack's Workshop.

After a quick stop at the still, he strolled into the garage, lovingly patting the car as he passed it. He finally took a seat at the metal worktable, slugging back half the jar in one gulp, and began looking over his projects.

He wasn't quite sure how he knew how to make some of these things, but through a lot of trial and error (mostly error), he had managed to build a working car in a world that only barely had trains. And that was only the tip of the iceberg in Jack's mind.

He shoved aside some of the half-realized blueprints and laid out his plans for yet another very stylized addition to his arsenal. He gnawed on the well-chewed handle of a convenient screwdriver as he drew out the measurements and began writing a unique shopping list for the materials he needed.

A few hours later he leaned away from the worktable and stretched his legs, the plans complete for now. He yawned wide for a moment, only to halt as a faint hum reached his ears. He flipped his forehoof and grimaced as he took in the glowing red glyph on the back. He spat out the screwdriver with enough force to embed it into the floor.

"Focking trespassers. If it's another Timberwolf I swear I'm gonna burn that godforsaken forest down!"

He jumped to his hindhooves and snagged his serrated knife as he stalked out of the garage, the perfect picture of territorial rage. He glared about but didn't see anyone at first. His ear flicked as he heard a familiar voice and a banging at his door.

"Yo! Jack! You home?"

Jack relaxed his grip on the knife and barked back at the Griffin.

"Backyard! What do ya want?"

Gilda soon strolled around the corner, a bag on her back and a frustrated look on her face. Her face didn't change as she walked over to him.

"Dash kicked me out, can I crash here for awhile? I don't have a place to stay and you're about the only pony I can think of that would take in a griffin."

Jack took in her tense, tired stance, and the spark of anger still glowing in her eye- all the signs of a recent fight- and smirked as he crossed his forelegs over his chest.

"How much grief did'ya cause 'er?"

Gilda cocked her head.

"What did ya' do to make her banish ye?"

Gilda scowled as she remembered the utter betrayal she felt.

"Just a few bucking pranks. A few bucking pranks and suddenly I'm public enemy number one! And on top of that, Dash sides with the plothole losers she's known for like a month before her best friend! I've known her for years Jack!"

She clawed at the ground in frustration, digging deep into the earth. She looked up as Jack cleared his throat. Her nostrils burned as she got a whiff of the jar he held in front of her. With a grim smile and a mumbled "Thanks," she grabbed it and gulped it down. She coughed and beat at her chest as the burning liquid practically roasted her throat.

Jack grabbed the jar and walked calmly back to the still, speaking with an unusual degree of compassion for the Griffin.

"You can stay, because you'll always find three things true about ponies, Gilda. They're always racist 'n sexist first. No matter how good of "friends" you are, they always side with their own kind. Two, their relationships are shallow as fuck. It took me like a day to break 'em up. And Three-"

He met her gaze as he slugged another jarful of the heavy alcohol.

"I am the only exception to the rule. Reason being, the only friendship I will ever make are with those who hate ponykind as much as I do."

Gilda stared in wonder at this mysterious, strange stallion who had accepted her in an instant, just on the basis that she had been wronged by ponies, despite the overwhelming cruelty he sent everyone else's way.

"Why do you hate your own species?"

Those red eyes seemed to glow a little brighter for a moment as a smug smile descended onto his face.

"That's a story for another day. You can have the couch for now. I'll get another bed or something eventually."

With that, Jack spun on one hoof and walked over to the back door. He kicked it open and hit the deck as a sawblade nearly took his head off. He stood back up after a moment and glanced at Gilda.

"I should probably turn these off huh?"

Gilda sat there with a half amused, half impressed smile on her beak as Jack pulled a few hidden levers in the doorframe and dodged back outside as every trap in the house discharged or shut down. A few arrows and large burst of fire flew out a window, and Jack smiled as a flaming tire rolled through the open door.

"Should be good."

Gilda joined him at the door as she looked into the actually luxurious home with no sign of traps.

"You're insane, but at the same time awesome."

Jack began walking down the hallway on polished wood timbers with a pleased smile, Gilda following close behind.

"The word you're looking for-"

His eyes lit up with a red glow and an evil grin split his face.

"-is a complete and utter badass."

The Best Night Ever Be Bitchin

"JACK! Will you hurry up you lazy prick!? We're gonna be late to the Gala!"

Jack slumped over the couch and smirked at the bathroom door while Gilda changed inside.

"I am hurrying Gilda. Definitely putting in my best effort."

"Oh shut it! I can hear your smug face from here! And go put on that gilded mess you call a tux already!"

==============================================================================================

Jack warmed General Lee's engine out front of his porch and waited for Gilda to show herself. As expected, she had taken longer to get ready despite the fact that Jack had waited an hour before starting on his outfit. He shined the bright gold buttons on his recreated black admiral's jacket and flicked up his collar around his bright, almost luminescent, red cravat. Tucked to one side of his barrel was an intricately patterned gold-and-silver-gilded cutlass, though not as ornamental as it may have appeared. A pristine top hat was held in his hoof, with a skull-and-crossbones patch sewn into the red band, much like a pirate's flag.

Jack straightened up as he heard the door creak open and prepared a pleasant, pleased expression for his date's outfit, whatever her appearance may be.

His jaw dropped, hard. Into the ground and beyond, and his staged expression was lost to the wind.

A sleek, form fitting red silken dress hugged her curves, with gilded highlights and a bright red fan of dyed shed feathers affixed to a black disk pinned perfectly just up and to the right of her face. The little black disk the red feathers were fused to had a white skull-and-crossbones painted onto its surface, tying her outfit to Jack's. Among her wings she had set a few dozen gold feathers for a wow factor. Finally, she had practically buzzed one side of her head feathers, and swooped the purple highlighted feathers that normally hung over her face off to the side. A simple change but undeniably fancy while remaining as punk as Gilda should be.

Gilda strode out confidently, if a touch awkwardly, and Jack couldn't help but admire his own handiwork. He was far from fame as a designer, but he knew fancy. And he knew how to do fancy while not distracting from, but rather accenting one's natural beauty. The accenting done this time, however, had left him speechless for one of the few times in his life.

The dress was obviously made for her, but Gilda seemed born to wear this dress.

Jack swallowed hard and attempted to clean up the teeth that had surely dropped with his jaw as Gilda fidgeted anxiously.

"W-well? I look pretty dorky, right?"

"Gorgeous..."

Gilda turned as red as her dress.

"W-what was that?"

Jack snapped out of his trance and immediately started hacking a lung out, avoiding eye contact completely.

"*cough* Horrendous, *cough**cough* don't know what I was thinking with these colors. Oh well, no time to change it now. Guess I'll have to suffer dancing with such an ugly outfit."

Gilda scowled and quickly made her way around to the passenger side, saying nothing more, but smiling slyly to herself.

==============================================================================================

"Why are we going so slow? I know General Lee can pull like five times this without trying. Aren't we gonna be late?"

"I refuse to be on time for a party celebratin' royals and high government power, not to mention the two-gods-who-are-not-really-gods-but-who-shall-remain-nameless. We shall be fashionably late, bust in through a window and straight into a waltz, like we practiced."

"Wait, when did we-"

"Your enemy base busting drills that I ran with you last month. They're multi-purpose."

"... Well that at least explains the limbo dodge."

"Nah, that works in combat too. You hit one properly, you'll finally see the Matrix."

"Still don't get the references, Jack."

"You will. Soon."

Dismissing his "pop-culture references," Gilda pondered for a hot minute how she could cool Jack down a bit off his zealous need to cause anarchy. She wanted the night to last a bit longer than: cause property damage, dance, get drunk, and run like hooligans before the repair bill comes.

"... You realize that the longer we aren't there, the more alcoholic beverages are being drunk without you. All that delicious wine, just being savored by all those snobby royals, who won't even get properly drunk because they’re too classy- OOF!"

Gilda found herself stuck to her seat as Jack suddenly accelerated, murderous intent flowing off of him.

Well she was going to be on time, now she just had to make sure Jack didn't eviscerate the first royal he came across.

==============================================================================================

Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie stood in awe of the vastly decorated palace before them.

"At the Gala!"

"At the Ga-"

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!

The music sputtered and died as the magic was lost. An orange car they were all very familiar with pulled right up to the gates before slowly rolling down a window. Jack leaned out with an extremely annoyed glare.

"Abso-fockin-lutely no music numbers. Unless there is an actual instrument somewhere in the mix I don't wanna hear it."

The car pulled forward, clearing the path as Jack grumbled about "pansy-ass music magic bullshit" and how the flash mob ruined his entrance, and Spike just snickered at Jack's perfect timing.

==============================================================================================

A grey stallion strode through the gates like a majestic bipedal juggernaut, promising anything in his way to be flattened instantly by his smart military garb. A beautiful female Griffin was at his side, clad in such a stunning style that any eye not drawn to her imposing partner was on her. The royals quickly cleared the path for this "new, eccentric royal" and his "inferior, but assuredly beautifully dressed date."

They whispered among themselves, eagerly wasting no time to see if anypony knew what house he belonged to, what his assets were, and whether he was honestly dating that droll bird or if he was an eligible bachelor.

" 'Er Name is Gilda, you bloody twat."

A group of noble ponies recoiled in surprise as the grey stallion suddenly appeared inside their little gossip huddle. A brown unicorn with a monocle and bowtie choked out a reply.

"I-I beg your pardon!?"

The stallion leaned in closer, making the trembling stallion lean back further.

"You 'eard me, pisshead. The lovely lass over there is my date of choice, and you will refer to her respectfully, and by name, or I WILL CARVE YOUR BLOODY EARS OFF YER SKULL."

The growling grey stallion stalked back to his date, who wore an amused expression, leaving behind a shuddering noblepony to drop into an unpleasant puddle. The crowd gradually recovered from their shock and began whispering even more quickly.

"Thanks, but you really didn't have to do that."

"Names don't faze me. Insulting my closest friends is among the chief things that piss me off, however."

"You consider me a friend?"

"Pretty damn good one at this point. I don't even charge rent you know, and my couch is high class."

Gilda snorted in laughter at the idea of that, admittedly comfortable, but run down couch she slept on being classy at all. She made a little mocking curtsy.

"Your -heh- couch is my castle, Lord Marley."

==============================================================================================

Celestia felt a shiver go down her spine, and stiffened immediately. Twilight, who was greeting nobleponies beside her, soon noticed.

"Princess Celestia? What's wrong?"

Celestia let out a shaky breath and leaned over to talk quietly in her pupil's ear.

"Well my instincts and magic alarms tell me- Oh hello Lord Ironhoof, thank you for coming- that an incredible demonic presence just entered the castle- Doctor Hazel! How good to see you- the only problem is that none on my subjects are screaming and running in terror yet."

==============================================================================================

"Say, is that Spike?"

Jack looked up from the barrel of fine wine he was prying the lid off of to see what Gilda was talking about. And, lo and behold, a dejected baby dragon was wandering around aimlessly amid all the posh ponies, many of which were watching Jack with horrified fascination as he broke open the fifth barrel he had encountered/drank.

"Huh. Poor little sod. Looks like bitch squad deserted him to fend for himself. Wankers, the lot of them."

"Should we let him join us?"

"Might as well, this stuff's weak enough I doubt it'd do him any harm."

Gilda set down her glass and ushered a shell-shocked Spike over to her greedy date as he chugged down yet another barrelful of wine. Jack soon dropped another empty barrel along with the rest in the corner and flicked off the single drop that spilled on his coat.

==============================================================================================

Celestia had excused herself from greeting the nobles and was following her instincts through the gala in search of the presence she had felt earlier. She glanced around the sea of ponies, the nearest of which spent all of their time trying to get her attention, but she would not be so easily deterred.

Finally, Celestia was led to the dance floor, where the element of laughter ran about trying to get ponies to "Party Harder" or something.

"Did you find the threat, Princess?"

Twilight had joined her at some point, but Celestia was distracted by the possible threat and simply asked the first thing that came to mind.

"Wait... if you are here, Twilight, then who is greeting the guests?"

"Um... nopony?"

Celestia sighed and dismissed that problem for later as she scanned each of the dancing couples for traces of demonic possession, since there was no obvious threat in the room, a dark force must have enslaved one of her ponies to infiltrate the event. Because none of her ponies would ever turn on her, obviously. And it was preposterous to think a demon could look like a pony. Simply preposterous.

Jack stood idly directly behind the Sun Alicorn, drinking from an easily carried keg of wine, as she cast scanning spell after scanning spell, eventually checking all of the ponies in the room. He wore a bemused expression as he wondered what she was doing.

Curses... I know the presence is near me, in this room even, and yet it eludes me.

Gilda soon joined Jack in watching the display, it was actually quite entertaining to watch her get more and more agitated.

Celestia and Twilight flinched as laughter sounded behind them. They turned to see a red-faced Spike grinning at the two of them with a camera held in his claws.

"The look on your face, Princess! You looked so confused!"

Twilight rolled her eyes as the Princess blushed sheepishly. Twilight found her eyes drawn to what he was holding.

"What's with the camera? Where'd you even get that, Spike?"

"Oh, Jack nnn' Gilda asked me to picture themm. For memem... memries or somethin."

Twilight narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Spike. Are you drunk!?"

His mouth when into an "O" shape before he began chuckling again.

"Nooo~! Hehehe..."

"Spike! I ought to- huh?"

Twilight found herself distracted by the sudden shift in music. From the usual, waltz background music, to something she didn't have words for. She looked to where the band had played before and found them suddenly joined by thirty more earth ponies toting wide, shark-tooth grins, coal black manes, red fur, and orchestral instruments. Twilight was certain they hadn't been there just a moment before, but found herself distracted yet again as the lights suddenly darkened except for a single spotlight in the middle of the dance floor.

Two figures stepped into the light, one leading the other, and both of them so dressed to the nines it took Twilight a moment to place them. Jack Marley, and Rainbow's old friend Gilda the Griffin.

As the music suddenly swelled and flowed, hoof and talon met in a natural, powerful movement that embodied intense attraction toward the other. They twirled and spun, and encircled each other in a display that raptured the attention of everyone that beheld it. A perfect synchronization of music and movement that would be impossible to replicate outside of this room and moment.

Jack took the lead, leading the griffin with powerful strokes and lifts, pulling her through a crazy dance of instinct and skill that was only possible through the magic of music taking effect and a devilish touch to keep it where he wanted it to be.

And Gilda, was radiant. She flared her wings at impactful moments, dazzling the crowd with the gold feathers placed there, and letting Jack throw her lighter frame about in arcs of beauty. Despite being shorter than her by a significant degree, he danced with an ease of strength that left a wonder in her of just how strong he really was.

As the song faded away at last, Gilda found herself out of breath from the incredible dance, and leaned back with Jack holding her close to the floor and his muzzle a bare inch away from her face. One of his hooves was around her waist, and the other behind her head. A moment passed, and golden eyes stared into blood reds. Surprisingly, the reds broke first.

Jack suddenly stood her up and averted his gaze in a rare moment of shyness as applause began to pick up around them. Gilda could swear his face had reddened before he looked away and growled under her breath. As the lights turned back on, revealing the mysterious orchestra had vanished, she suddenly seized him by the collar and dragged him back.

"You kiss me right now, Jack Marley, or I wi-Mnf!"

Cheers, (and six dejected wails) kicked up in roaring approval as Gilda melted into the contact, her beak suddenly crushed by the force of the kiss.

==============================================================================================

"I am focking smashed right now~!"

Gilda giggled as Jack lay upside down over the couch, possibly the most drunk she'd seen him. She couldn't deny she was extremely drunk as well, and quite possibly in love with this little Irish shit. He suddenly straightened his face and rolled over to face her.

"HeyHEY! Serious question. Hypothetically, if I was to have ye in my place at some point-"

"*SNRK* So completely hypothetical then?"

"Yeah! Anyway, and like you goes to the bathroom. And while yous in the bathroom I eat this banana and put the peel on the floor. And then I meticulously plan the trajectory of yer slipping on the banana peel, and then place myself on the floor, completely naked and erect! ... Am I responsible? Or...?"

Gilda put about a whole second into her thought process, her drunken mind coming to the most logical conclusion.

“Yes. Buuut I wouldn't complain~”

Gilda also just so happened to hypothetically visit the bathroom not long after.

==============================================================================================

"WUZZAT?"

Jack fell to the floor with a grunt and jumped up a moment later to attack the thing that had set him off. A familiar bundle of sexy feathers still wearing a red plume and some gold feathers was halfway buried underneath the covers, and a quick sniff confirmed his suspicions as to what had happened.

There was only one appropriate response.

"Huh, neat."

Author's Note

Jack's Admiral Jacket looks quite similar to this, but with Solid black instead of the blue, and Red highlights throughout.

I also think I'm going more and more british the more I write Marley. whatev tho, not that different tbh.

I decided to pull a rapid escalation with this chapter, with Jack suddenly realizing that he finds Gilda attractive as a possible lover, and rolling with it cause he actually likes her compared to basically any living being elsewhere on the planet.

Basically, its a love born of the first attractive thing he's encountered in years.

“Reclaimed” Letter File - 02

DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA

(Unintelligible ink smears and tear soaked paper)

doesn’t love her! I’m sure of it! There’s no way! That Faust-damned bird can shove a -

(“99 reasons why he doesn’t love her”, laminated and stapled to the rest of the letter, for some reason)

and then that bucking hussy just -

(More smeared words and occasionally stabbed holes in words beginning with “G”)

it’s not FAIR! IT’S JUST NOT BUCKING FAIR! I deserve him way more than that -

(A very long, very colorful, very angrily scratched insult toward a certain Griffin)

if we just try again, try harder! Maybe we’ll get through to him! Save him from this feathersnatched griffin! -

(More gibberish)

I’ll NEVER LOVE AGAIN! life is horrible... why don’t you love me Jack!? My world is grey and dead inside, I’ll just have to finish this myself. I just need about six feet of rope, and -

(Annoyingly long passage detailing suicide supplies and how she’s definitely going to do it)

-No! No, I am TWILIGHT BUCKING SPARKLE! I will conquer this low! I will not go blindly into the dark, and I will fight this depressio-

(uplifting musical number that was cut out of letter)

Anyway, I guess the lesson I learned is that if you love something, you let it go and then track it down and capture it against its will so it knows it can never escape your love!

Your student,
Twilight Sparkle

Marley Mail Notice- Instance #2

... can I request a restraining order?

Also, your whiny student just managed to go through the five stages of grief in a single letter. Good luck with that.

I’m also extremely attracted to this sexy bird, and frankly there’s no law that keeps us apart, so fuck Twilight.

Fuck you too Sunbutt,
Jack Marley

P.S.- I’m serious about that restraining order. You talk her out of it or Gilda might knock her out and chain her to a tree somewhere.

CHAOS THIS, BITCH!

2 Months Later...

*BOOM!*

Gilda jumped as the sudden explosion shook the cabin, knocking a lamp over and a couple of pointy objects off the wall, turning the floor into a pincushion. Rapid hoofsteps approached, and the back door slammed open, revealing a panicked Jack, with a welding mask still on top of his head and a leather apron around his barrel. He paused to breath a sigh of relief to see her on the couch, apparently unharmed. Frowning, he turned to the front door and wrenched it open before dropping his jaw in surprise.

"Might have put too much oomph in the land mines..."

Gilda got up from the couch and joined him in awe at the door. A big crater took up about a quarter of the yard, and there was still some dust raining down from the sky. Jack reached out and caught a falling scroll with a royal seal on it. He paused and then swallowed hard.

"Oh shite! Gilda, quick! Get a shovel, we need to hide the body!"

"Urrgh..."

Jack paused to note the bedraggled guard scrabbling weakly out of the crater.

"Oh... Nevermind then."

Gilda smacked the back of his head as she moved to help the struggling royal guard out of the crater. Miraculously, the armor had absorbed all of the damage, leaving the pony inside shellshocked, and with a few scrapes and cuts, but none the worse for wear. Seeing she was perfectly fine, Gilda abruptly dropped her like a sack of refuse and went back inside, claiming she, "knew just what she needed."

Jack leaned down to listen to whatever the guard was saying.

"Th... let... s... livered... our.... m.. jesty..."

"Wot? Speak up ya twat."

"The... tter was... livered, your majes..."

*SMACK!*

The guard jerked up and saluted sluggishly from the ground.

"WHA! Buh!? THE LETTER WAS DELIVERED YOur... majesty?"

The mare seemed to stare up at Jack in wonder.

"Are you an angel?"

Jack blinked once, twice, and then promptly lost his shit. Gilda rushed back outside with a box in her talons to find Jack literally screaming with laughter and rolling around on the porch helplessly with a confused guard watching him. Eventually he managed to stagger back to his hooves, still chuckling, and face the guard.

"If I, of all people, am an angel, God is a fucking psychopath."

Gilda turned on the guard, glaring suspiciously and practically crushing the box she held.

"Did you bucking call him an angel? Choose your next words wisely."

The mare raised her hooves in surrender and backed away in terror. Typical pony xenophobe.

"I didn't mean anything by it, I swear! I was just ordered to deliver the letter from the Princess!"

Gilda leaned in close, staring deep into the scared mare's eyes for any sign of deceit. After a full minute of the guard squirming under her gaze, she snorted and dug around in the half crushed box she was still holding. The guard yelled as Gilda suddenly slashed her talons over her face, Jack still chuckling maniacally in the background.

The mare went cross-eyed to stare at the little patch of color that lay crookedly over her snout.

A band-aid.

==============================================================================================

"Urgent matter... yadayadayada... come at once... skills could be useful... signed, Princess Celestiass. Why does she think I'm coming?"

Gilda peeked over his shoulder at the royal summons and pointed a single talon at the bottom of the page. Jack read the short sentence.

"P.S.- The Elements of Harmony are attending... if anything that just makes me less likely to go. Does she really think I'm friends with them?"

Gilda just shrugged and leaned on him more.

Jack looked back at Gilda with lazy eyes, nuzzling into her neck a bit and eliciting a soft croon from her.

"Do you think I should go? I could stay instead~!"

Gilda resisted the urge to give in as he slowly got more and more adventurous: nuzzling soon turning to nibbling. Soon she bodily grabbed his head and shoved him away as he stuck out his tongue playfully.

"Get out of here you Irish tease! You don't ignore the pony who controls the sun!"

"I'll grab the sun if you keep denying me Gilda! See if I won't~!"

Gilda pursed her lips in confusion, turning over his words as he unhooked the sliver axe from the wall. Soon a lightbulb switched on. She turned bright red in anger and embarrassment.

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"

Jack chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he backed toward the door.

"Aw yeah~ a great big handful of sun! I'll give it a nice squeeze too!"

He threw open the door and made to prance out of it, only for his tail to be caught. He took a peek behind him to see a flustered griffin dragging him back and spinning him around. He found himself pinned against the wall, with talons planted on either side of him. He smirked up at the overheating Griffin. Despite Jack usually standing taller than her because of his biped walk, when she did the same, she was actually much larger than him by mass and height. But even with the intimidation factor, she found herself being the more embarrassed one as only a dusting of red came up to Jack's face.

"Jealous, are we?"

"Shut up, Jack."

As beak met lips, Gilda quickly found herself getting dragged down to his level, with the force of his tongue lashing bringing her down with ease. She found herself giving in entirely as Jack sabotaged her defenses with his mere presence. Right as it was about to get more heated, Gilda felt Jack flinch, and found herself kissing air and trailing saliva. She blinked and found Jack had somehow slipped down and out of the trap and was already sprinting out the door. She scrambled back to her paws and flew after him.

"GET YOUR SORRY IRISH FLANK BACK HERE!"

"Have t' catch me first!"

Jack waved a hoof and an arc of red lightning jumped to General Lee, goading it to life and flooring the accelerator. Jack threw himself forward and hooked the tip of the axe on the tail end of the bumper as the car sped off toward Canterlot, taking him with it. As it quickly pulled ahead of Gilda's top speed, she dropped to the ground and caught her breath.

"What the hell are you doing to me, Jack Marley?"

Jack heaved himself onto the bumper of the racing car and ran a hoof over his chest, feeling a dull rumbling deep within, as it should be. He had left somewhat unintentionally. Gilda, though he would never admit it, had scared him.

"Jesus, Gilda. To get this heart to beat... You're a dangerous lass, and frankly-"

He raised his eyes to the Griffin shaking a talon at him angrily. He smiled and fluttered a hoof cheekily as she faded out of sight.

"-I really like that."

==============================================================================================

The metal beast tore across a distorted countryside, heading towards Canterlot on a corkscrewed, shifting highway without faltering once. It approached the city and disembarked the road with a flawless dismount, landing squarely on all four wheels before zooming off toward Canterlot City.

==============================================================================================

Jack came up to the open doors to the unguarded royal trophy window/very conspicuous vault room... place. Whatever the room was called.

Celestia spotted him instantly and called out to him, prompting the others in the room, who were currently underestimating a god because he happened to be a male, to notice him.

"Jack! I'm glad you-"

*click*

She was cut off as Jack suddenly pulled the doors shut, vanishing from view. A long moment of confusion passed over her face. A low roar soon approached the door from the other side, and the bitch brigade quickly scattered off to the sides and behind Celestia herself.

*SLAM!*

The Sun Goddess she may be, but even Celestia jumped as General Lee busted through the doors before power-drifting to a halt, ejecting Jack up into a backflip and down into a powerslide before he popped back up to his hooves and casually trotted forward, clearing his throat as he stopped about two ponylengths away.

"Celestia! I've come to bargain."

Celestia uttered possibly one of the least regal things she had ever said in her immortal life.

"I... uh... what?"

"Money. Sunbutt give Jack bits, Jack fight villain of week, capiche? Two step process."

She stared at the grinning stallion a moment longer before shaking her head and getting back into "prophecy mode."

"Discord, the Embodiment of Chaos has returned to disrupt all Harmony across Equestria, and you want to be paid? How shamef-"

"Yes, I do. Thank ye for shortening a 1 minute, 26 second prophecy to a single sentence, by the way."

"Do you feel no sha-"

"None at all!" he repliead quite cheerily, "The only reason I have to care is that worldwide chaos will disrupt my badass, carefree lifestyle."

Celestia facehooved and nodded even as she thought to herself, "A cutthroat business-stallion, just what I need right now." She cleared her throat and went back to business.

"Ahem, As I was saying, only you six can defeat Discord-"

"Orbital Friendship Cannon, got it."

Celestia glared at him for a moment and continued, ignoring Jack's gagging sounds as he fake threw up at the rest of the sappy exposition.

"- with the Elements of Harmony. With the power of your friendship you vanquished a great evil, leaving my sister and I no longer connected with the Elements. You will need them again, I have kept them safe in this magically-secured vault since you used them to vanquish Nightmare Moon."

"You mean this vault I broke into in 1.8 seconds?"

Celestia spun around, finding Jack sitting on the little podium, kicking his legs idly and wearing the small chest like a hat.

She quickly seized the box from his head and flicked it open to find the Elements not safely inside. Her heart sank in her chest.

"Oh no."

They all stared into the chest for a moment before Jack sighed and shook his head.

"Thought it t'was too straightforward. Of course there's a fockin' plot twist... Wait a second..."

Celestia paced back and forth with frenzied steps.

"How can this be? That case was guarded by a spell only I can break."

Jack raised a hoof as she passed by.

"Technically speaking, a personal security spell is half actual magic, half bluffing. It has jest enough actual power innit to make the average person-"

"Pony," Half the room instantly responded. He glowered at the offenders for a moment before continuing.

"-person back off. And the idea of a spell that can only be broken by the caster makes the more magically advanced back off without testing the proverbial waters. This guy is a literal God, so my best guess is he didn't even know it was a "personal security spell" and just busted right through it without blinking."

Twilight gaped at Jack's casual lecture and found herself salivating.

"How do you know more about a spell than me? I've read every legal spellbook I have access to. That doesn't make any sense!"

"Keyword: legal. Also, sense?"

"What fun is there in making sense?" He said in unison with a louder, much more sinister voice

Celestia frowned as familiar laughter filled the room.

"Discord! Show Yourself!"

"Aw~ did you miss me?"

Discord soon manifested in his stained glass image and did some casual power flexing, taunting the ponies and whatnot.

"HEY! NOPONY INSULTS THE PRINCESS!"

*SMACK!*

"BAHAHAHAHAAA!" (Laughs in Irish)

"Ah, Rainbow Dash. Famous for her loyalty..."

The taunting draconequus named off the element bearers and their respective talents in the classic "All-knowing villain" cliche until he got around to Jack and paused to stretch a hand of chaotic commendation.

"Ah! Jack Marley, the "rogue element for hire" and a fellow pursuer of chaos, though not on a scale such as myself. Lovely entrance earlier- and such senseless wordplay. Took the words right out of my mouth," he said, pulling a binder of paper labeled "Script" out of his mouth before eating it again like a paper shredder, sounds and all.

Even as mental gears spun violently at the impossible feats of chaos, Jack tipped an imaginary hat in turn, and was pleasantly surprised to find a cowboy hat already in place for tipping.

Discord laughed and went around telling his riddles, which Jack had solved in a matter of seconds but was perfectly willing to charge extra for. Celestia sent them off after Twilight figured out the first half of the riddle and her royal pompousness decided to knight her or something rather than just hurry them along. They finally found themselves outside of the labyrinth's entrance, and Jack was sitting on General Lee's hood, waiting for Discord to show up again.

Rainbow Dash tried to fly over the maze and promptly had her wings removed, the others soon turning into earth ponies as well.

"Yeah I saw that coming from a mile away."

Jack suddenly found himself lying on his back on the ground as his car suddenly vanished. He shot up with murder in his eyes and a dark aura spilling off him.

"That MOTHERFUCKER."

Discord popped in at that exact moment and had to cut his maniacal laugh short as he ducked under a viciously thrown boulder with intent to kill.

"No wings, no magic, and no tools, Mr. Marley. That's rule number one."

But as Jack, frothing at the mouth, rabidly jumped at Discord's face, Discord sighed and snapped his fingers, vanishing Jack on the spot.

"Then again, an earth pony that powerful would still make this too easy. Next Rule!"

==============================================================================================

Twilight and the rest of the corrupted mane six (minus Rainbow Dash) sat in the crater left by Discord's magic, drenched in a downpour of chocolate rain, and shocked that yet another guy had bested them. (Still ignoring the fact that he was a god and all, that is.) Once Rainbow Dash had left the maze, Discord had eagerly leveled the field and delivered a classic triumphant villain laugh before leaving on a chaotic rampage.

A loud roar heralded Jack's return. General Lee soon burst into view, Jack standing on the hood swinging his newly returned axe and spewing Irish gibberish so thick it could hardly be counted as actual words other than the occasional swear. He jumped off the still moving car and swung the axe around in a blind rage for another ten seconds before the sweet torrent of rain seemed break him out of his rage state. He turned to see a bedraggled, grayed out group of ponies staring at him in surprise and waved awkwardly as he walked back to the car and drove it by them.

"Yeah... Which way did the soon-to-be-gutted-chaos-god go?"

A collection of hooves pointed toward Ponyville, with a single orange one pointing the opposite direction.

"Thank ye' kindly."

==============================================================================================

"WOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH- OOF! I, uh... meant to do that..."

Twilight staggered to her hooves only to slip and fall again as the sun rose and fell erratically, revealing the road had been turned to soap. She groaned in disgust at the ridiculousness of it all even as Jack and Fluttershy snickered evilly behind her. Jack passed her by as he pushed General Lee forward steadily despite the slippery floor. She looked closer and found that his hooves were digging into the ground rather violently with each step until he had enough purchase to move forward. He had been quite... agitated when the "engine," as he called it, had been replaced by a half-dozen hamster wheels with oranges sitting in them instead of actual hamsters, and made up his mind to get the car back to Ponyville just so he could beat Discord's face in with it.

Twilight whined loudly as Night and Day jumped around again.

"Discord's turned our dirt roads into SOAP! UGH!"

Discord came skating by nonchalantly, just to taunt them again.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

A roar of rage echoed across the chaotic hills as Jack realized Discord was in chopping distance.

"NOTHING ON THIS WORLD OR BELOW IT TOUCHES MY CAR!!! GET YER SCALY-ARSE PENCIL-NECK ON MY AXE YE HELL-DAMNED COCKSLEEVE TWAT!!!

==========================================================================================

It was sometime later that they finally made it back to the Golden Oaks Library, Jack once again pushing General Lee along out of spite. He kicked it forward a few more feet, slamming it into the side of the building, before pacing back and forth murderously while waiting for Discord to show his long neck again.

He paused to propel "Tom" through the side of the house when it momentarily blocked his path and continued his circling warpath while Twilight did some plot development or something.

Five minutes later, Tom and the rest soon busted back out of the house in award winning style- If the award was for being evil, destructive, and a rock- to find Jack radically changed than when they had left him. He was standing nonchalantly with his halberd propped over his shoulder, the sun glinting off the enchanted steel, and seemed to be calmly speaking into thin air.

"Yeah, yeah, get yer sexy feathers down here already, and bring my backup axe... No, the red one... What do you mean there's no red one!? ...Ugh, fine, just get down here... I can assure you, I literally have nothing else to love, so I love you more... Yeah, I'm hanging up now..."

He clapped his hooves twice and small crackle of energy dispersed as he turned to face them.

"You lot ready with the O.F.C.? He's due for a dramatic reveal any minute no-"

Jack cut himself off as he suddenly whirled the axe behind him, dispersing the chaos magic hurtling towards them with a burst of static. He smirked at Discord's surprised expression as the axe hummed ominously.

"Ye' like that? Harmonically Blessed Silver, toxic stuff for a chaotic bein'. Ya got lucky last time when you sent it away before I could activate it ye' cocky bastard!"

With that, Jack sprinted toward Discord with startling speed and made to slice him in two, only for Discord to teleport backwards and send him flying with a wave of magic. Jack slammed the steel axe-pole into the ground and halted his slide before running back in from the side with the axe-blade kicking up sparks in his wake. He slung the weapon across Discord's stomach but was foiled again when the god split into two smaller versions of himself and danced around Jack's follow-up slashes before reforming farther away from the berserk earth pony. Discord cast rapid, raw-chaos magic blasts at Jack as he circled him, trying to overwhelm Jack's flawless axe-play. Jack deftly deflected, cleaved, and dodged his way through the volley of magic even as the ground around him randomly exploded into glass, pies, rapidly sprouting poison joke, or playing cards with Discord's face on them.

Far from the action, Twilight and the others marveled at the surprisingly combat prowess Jack held with an axe, but Twilight managed to snap her gaze away and order the other girls into their "Elements of Harmony: Friendship Formation"(patent pending) and waited for their opportunity to use the elements. They found that opportunity when Jack made a surprise bullrush through the never-ending volley of chaos and jumped right up into Discord's startled face. Discord caught the axe-handle instinctively before it could separate his head from his shoulders and found himself staring into Jack's grinning face.

"Gotcha."

Discord heard the whistle of air behind him and whirled to catch a blood-red axe before it could split his head in half. He went to smile in relief before a yell interrupted him.

"THIS IS BUCKING NUTS BUT I'M DOING IT ANYWAAAAYYYY!!!"

A gold and white blur slammed into the red axe and forced Discord to the ground. He was pinned.

Jack grinned over at the breathless griffin straining to press her own axe down onto Discord's neck as he did the same, though Discord was slowly pushing them back.

" 'ey, Gilda! You -mmgh- doin' alright?"

Gilda snorted and grinned as some sweat dripped off her beak from the strain.

"Well -urrgh- I just tackled the literal -stay down damn it- GOD of Chaos for the stallion I -strong bastard- live with, so I'm bucking fine and dandy! You?"

" 'M doin' alright, other than the fact that THE FOCKING BITCH BRIGADE HASN'T BLASTED THIS OVERGROWN SHITESTAIN INTO STATUE HELL!!! HURRY THE FUCK UP! but other than that, I'm doing fine."

Twilight yelled at the cowering Spike wearing the element of loyalty.

"Spike! Get in formation!"

"U-uh... you sure!?"

Jack growled angrily and roared at the young drake across the field.

"SPIKE! ARE YOU A DRAGON, OR ARE YOU A SCAREDY-PONY!? ANSWER ME DAMN IT!"

"A-A Dragon!"

"THEN START ACTING LIKE ONE!"

Spike puffed out his small scaly chest and ran screaming "masculinely" into the line up as Twilight floated them all into the air. He was a bit disappointed when he didn't end up floating after he had gotten so excited for his role. Inevitably, without the real element of loyalty, the spell failed, and they all fell back to the ground. Twilight jumped up and looked on in dismay as Jack and Gilda were slowly pushed back.

"Oh no."

Discord glared up at the two of them with cold eyes, his humor long gone by how close he had come to defeat.

"Checkmate, Jack Marley."

Discord's tail whipped up between Jack and Gilda, a condensed ball of chaos held at the tip.

"Oh shi-"

Jack was not prepared when the world suddenly went white.

==========================================================================================

GASP!

Jack snapped awake as someone shook him vigorously. The first thing he was aware of was that Twilight and the rest of the mane six were usually not upside down, the second thing was that he couldn't move his body below the neck. Craning his head painfully, he managed to figure out he was stuck against the side of a house encased in crystallized rock candy. He went limp again and glared at the smiling group, taking note that their colors all seemed to be back.

"Care to explain what the hell 'appened while I was out?"

Twilight went into such a detailed explanation of how she saved each one of her friends with friendship and shit that Jack was slamming his head into the rock candy until it cracked enough that he could escape the infinite rays of happiness and rainbows and other such saccharine emotions.

He dropped to the ground and quickly scrambled off, pausing to pull his axe from the wall, before going to find Gilda. Twilight and the others followed close behind, still spouting rays of sunshine. Jack ignored them as his mind was set on finding the one he had unconsciously claimed as his and only his.

Ten minutes later, on the other side of the raw crater left by the explosion, he finally found her, and the others crowded around in worry as he worked to free her from the wall. He sighed as he set her down at last and stepped back to see what the chaos magic had done to her. She had been turned solid gold, "gilded" if you will.

Twilight came up and put a hoof on his shoulder as his grip tightened on his axe.

"Hey, we can fix her, Jack. We can beat Discord now."

"OH! I know we're gonna beat him."

Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion as Jack turned toward her with a furious glint in his eye that made her back away in fear.

"I was just angry before, Twilight. Now? Now I'm fucking pissed."

==========================================================================================

"Ah! Wonderful, wonderful Chaos!"

"Not as wonderful as friendsh-"

"CHOPPING YOU TO PIECES AND SHITTING ON YOUR CORPSE!!!"

Both Twilight and Discord were momentarily taken aback by Jack's incredibly morbid threat, but Discord soon groaned in boredom.

"Ugh, this again?"

He drained the glass out of his glass of chocolate milk and threw what was left over his shoulder to explode. He grabbed the mane six by their elements and dragged them up into the air.

"Will you ever learn?"

"Don't plan to!"

Discord had to teleport out of the way as his throne was destroyed by a single vicious swing from Jack.

"You especially! You must know you can't hit me with your little axe by now."

"Who said I was really trying to hit you? You hadn't made me mad until now."

Discord scratched his head in confusion.

"Are you sure? You seemed pretty mad."

"You turned my girlfriend into a fucking statue."

Discord's eyes shrank and he pulled at his neck fur nervously like he was trying to loosen a tight collar.

"Well, uh... you see... oh dear."

"Twilight. I'm prepared to put aside our past troubles for the foreseeable future, if you would do me the honor of letting me hit this motherfucker with a rainbow axe."

Twilight looked confident as she nodded to her friends and they powered up the elements and Jack raised his axe to the heavens.

"Come on, Girls! Let's show him what friendship-"

"And A PISSED lover-"

"-CAN DO!"

Twilight blasted the already shimmering axe-head with the raw magic of Harmony, and grinned in unison with Jack as it burst into a brilliant rainbow.

Jack leveled the shining axe with Discord's worried face and dove forward with blinding speed. The overhead strike connected with his head before Discord could hope to react.

"CHAOS THIS, BITCH!"

A massive, rainbow-colored mushroom cloud erupted from the impact, and spread high into the sky.

A few minutes later, when Twilight could see properly, she could make out the new statue of Discord, with a stone axe planted an inch into his skull.

"Damn. That was my favorite axe."

"Jack? You're okay? I was worried for a minute there."

"Eh, I'll be fine, Harmonious Magic can't really do much to ponies."

"Girls?"

A chorus of "Here!" sounded off, and that was another burden off of Twilight's mind. She looked down and noticed the floor wasn't a checkerboard anymore.

"OH! Look Everypony! The Chaos Magic is gone! When we defeated Discord all the damage undid itself!"

"ARE ALL MY LITTLE PONIES SAFE?"

In a burst of sunlight that dispersed the rest of the rainbow-clouds, Celestia herself came floating down majestically. She nodded approvingly at Jack and decided to herself that perhaps he did deserve to be paid for his efforts.

"Princess Celestia! We did it! We defeated Discord! All the Chaos Magic has been banished!"

"Then I consider it a job well done, Twilight. Thank you all for your services to Equestria!"

"Wait, if all the magic's gone, does that mean... GILDA! WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Jack ran off to find his sexy bird as Celestia smiled after the strange stallion that she ruled over. She couldn't help but be reminded of the strong stallions from thousands of years ago, before the Nightmare Moon wars that had severely reduced the already small male population, and before stallions were mostly turned into the polar opposite of their ancestors.

...

"Gilda! Answer me, please!"

Jack finally made it back to where he had left her, and thankfully found her picking herself up off the ground. She looked up at him blearily and raised an eyebrow when he embraced her.

"Jack? Why do I feel like I got run over by like, fifteen chariots?"

"Heh, being turned into a statue does that."

"So... we won then?"

Jack gave her a quick kiss on the forehead and cupped her head in his hooves.

"Hell yeah we won, you were focking awesome, Gilda. Reminded me why I love you so much."

"You aren't usually sappy, Jack. You miss me that much?"

Jack's eyes seemed hazy as he blinked slowly.

"...Maybe? I don't... know... I'm not feeling too good, now that the adrenal-"

Gilda had to rush to catch him as he suddenly slumped over. She screwed up her face as she heard him spit up a lot of fluid at once.

"Ugh... really Jack? You don't rush to save people only to... puke...?"

Gilda leaned around Jack's limp form and felt the color drain from her face. Jack didn't puke- a large splatter of blood was spilled down his chin and across the stone street. He wasn't responding either. Gilda began shaking him in panic.

"Jack! Jack!? JACK! Wake up!"

He suddenly gasped and spluttered, only to cough up more blood in a worryingly large puddle. His eyes swam around before locking onto her.

"G-Gilda! I m-m-messed up! I -f-fuck this hurts- f-f-forgot I'm n-not a pony!"

"What!? Jack you are a pony! What happened!?"

He clutched at her chest fluff, bloodying it as he pulled himself up.

"N-No t-t-ttime! Get m-me home! H-hospital c-c-can't h-help!"

Gilda hesitated, knowing that Ponyville Central was closer, but she trusted Jack, and another bloody coughing fit convinced her that something was very wrong. She hefted him in her talons and took off, speeding towards his cabin as fast as she could.

==========================================================================================

3 Days Later...

Jack, Gilda, and the Mane Six gathered outside the throne room and waited as the huge doors creaked open to fanfare and applause and they all walked forward as cameras flashed and Princess Celestia waited for them at the end of the room. They strode down the aisle with a certain level of reverence expected of the situation and took positions in front of the Princess with smiles and nods. The Princess cleared her throat and said her piece.

"We are gathered here today to once again honor the heroism of these six friends-"

Ahem.

"And two great Mercenaries who stood up to the villain Discord, and save Equestria from eternal chaos!"

She motioned to the curtained window amid the applause and uncovered it with her magic. The curtain parted to reveal Discord being struck by a silver axe held by Jack as he jumped through the air. Gilda flew parallel to Jack, and held a red axe to Discord's throat. The Mane six were below, directing their magic toward's Jack's axe, lighting it up with the rainbow.

Everybody in attendance applauded, stomping and clapping their hooves, while Jack just turned back to Celestia with a predatory grin. She noticed after a moment and rolled her eyes. With a flick of her horn, a large sack of bits appeared, twice what he had asked and then some, and floated down to his greedy hooves. Celestia leaned in and whispered.

"I doubled it for your mate's assistance and grievance."

"Oi! She's not my mate... yet."

Author's Note

WE NOW HAVE A THEME SONG

Adventure Time, come on grab your lover!

We love mayhem like no other!

With Jack the ~~SECRET~~, and Gilda the Griffin,

The madness will never end, it’s Adventure Time!

=============================================================

Feel free to point out typos,
Remember to Like and Comment!

CMC + J Adventures - 01: What Lurks in the Pond

Pinkie Pie smiled cheerfully and waved as another happy customer left Sugarcube Corner with home-baked goods. She froze and looked back as her tail suddenly went spastic.

“Twitch, wiggle, twitch, twitch, pause... shiver, wiggle... TWITCH! YAY!”

Mrs. Cake leaned out of the kitchen at Pinkie’s yell with a raised eyebrow.

“Everything alright, Pinkie?”

Pinkie turned on a dime and was suddenly prostrate in front of Mrs. Cake. She pulled her head up and put on the biggest puppy-dog eyes in her arsenal.

“Can I prettyprettypretty please get off early? My Tail is twitchy-twitching and somepony needs my help at the pond!”

Mrs. Cake glanced around the store for a moment, seeing business was slow, and nodded. She hardly had time to blink before Pinkie was out the door, leaving a spinning dime where she had been standing. Mrs. Cake picked it up curiously and examined it.

“10 cents? What in Faust’s name is a dime?”

=================================

Pinkie bounced with all haste to the small pond with a wide grin on her face. Eventually she burst out of the bushes and onto the shore to see a Cutie Mark Crusade in progress.

Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bell were all staring intently at a gently floating bobber in the water, with a line trailing back to a rod in Applebloom’s hooves. Pinkie soon got their attention.

“Hiya girls! Whatcha up to?”

“We’re huntin’ a famous pond monster Miss Pie!”
“So we can beat it up and look cool!”
“And get our cutiemarks at the same time!”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS POND MONSTER CATCHERS!”

Pinkie laughed and began asking a few questions, curious what her tail had called her out here for if not to rescue someone or fix a problem.

The three impatient fillies soon gave up after a few minutes and reeled in the bait. Pinkie laughed at the big rutabaga tied to the end of the line instead of a worm.

"HAHAHA! Girls, you gotta put a big juicy worm or something on the hook that a big greedy pond monster will want, or they won't even take a nibble!"

The Crusaders all facehoofed at their own stupidity and quickly started rummaging around in their dinky little boat. They soon shared their finds.

"An old bottle of somethin', an a bit? That's all we have, girls? What happened to our snacks?"

"We ate them, duh. They were awesome!"

"Oh well. I guess a fish might like a bit, though. It's pretty shiny."

“I’ve got a cupcake!”

They all turned and looked at Pinkie on the shore, no cupcake in sight.

“Uh, where?”

“On the hook, silly!”

They turned again, and sure enough, a big, heavily frosted cupcake was swinging lightly on the end of the line. Applebloom scratched her head again but soon clapped her hooves together as she got an idea.

“We’ll combine all of ‘em! That way we’re sure to catch sumthin’! Right?”

“RIGHT!”

They stuck the shiny golden bit into the frosting, and dumped the bottle’s contents onto the whole thing, drenching it.

Scootaloo leaned in and sniffed it curiously before recoiling in disgust.

“Yuck! Hey Applebloom! Doesn’t that smell like the cider your sister said we couldn’t drink till we were older?”

“Ugh! Yeah! It does! Maybe we’ll catch a big OLD pond monster then!”

Pinkie giggled at the alcohol drenched, gold infused morsel of food and laughed as she imagined what kind of fish they could catch with it.

She stopped giggling when her tail started twitching again. She examined the Mare’s code for a moment as the CMC cast their line before nodding in satisfaction.

“A super fast object of incredibly fastly speed approaches the pond! Guard Pinkie is on the case!”

Pinkie began pacing back and forth on a set path in a predictable pattern, confident in her ability to spot the unidentified fast object (or UFO for short) before it could slip by her unidentified.

She paused and made a confused noise as she noted a cardboard box in her path. She walked up to it and nudged it lightly before shrugging and walking around it. After all, what could a cardboard box be hiding? Certainly not a UFO.

She continued on, pausing as she heard light shuffling on sand, like someone was moving a box. She whipped around and stared at the culprit, the box.

Hmmm, did it move? Maybe?

Ah well. Guess it was nothing.

Pinkie turned around again and continued bouncing on her set route. No UFOs would be slipping by on her watch. She traversed the whole line and came back to where she had left the box, only for it to be bobbing lightly in the shallows. She gasped loudly as a large red exclamation point sprung up above her head.

Pinkie seized the ordinary cardboard box, now a bit soaked and examined it closely before looking up again with a serious look in her eye.

“Di-a-bolical...”

She bounced back to her hooves and called out to the crusaders little row boat.

"You might wanna reel it in girls, I think something's in the water!"

The crusaders looked at each other, confused, and shrugged before steadily reeling in the long line. Pinkie gasped in horror as a musical cue kicked in. Her pupils shrunk as she whipped her head back and forth in terror.

"Oh no."

She began bouncing wildly on the shore and yelling at the crusaders, flailing her hooves in a panic.

"GIRLS! Quick! Reel it in! Can't you hear the music!? That's a four-four string ostinato in D-minor! Every side character knows it means doom! Reel it in BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! HURRY APPLEBLOOM!"

The crusaders all began yanking on the rod and coiling the line up as fast as they could, doing everything they could to speed up the process as the music grew louder and more ominous. Pinkie began darting around in the bushes, looking for the band.

"Hurry girls! The music's getting faster!"

She at last pushed another bush aside, revealing an orchestra playing.

"There you are you big-meanie-pants... es! STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! STOP IT PRETTYPLEASEWITHTENBILLIONCHERRIESONTOP!"

Pinkie blew a raspberry at them when they refused to stop playing, and some of them seemed quite offended. She rushed back to the shore to see the cupcake skipping across the water back toward the boat.

"C'MON CUPCAKE! YOU CAN MAKE IT! BOUNCE! BOUNCE FASTER! HU-U-U-RRY APPLBLOOM!"

Applebloom at last pulled up the line, out of breath but the cupcake still in one piece, and the other crusader started dancing and shouting "She made it!" over and over again. Pinkie wiped her brow in relief as the cupcake was tossed up and down happily and the music abruptly cut out.

"OOF. For a second or two, I though she was a goner. It's safe now."

Pinkie slapped her hooves over her mouth as the music suddenly crescendoed to the loudest it could be. She looked back out to the boat to see bubbles and a red glow quickly approaching the small tub.

"LOOK OUT!"

Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bell all shrieked in terror as a grey blur suddenly burst from the water with blazing red eyes and snapped the cupcake, bit, and alcohol all in one bite as it plunged back into the water. Applebloom staggered to her hooves and looked down past the frothy, churning water at the quickly vanishing form before looking back at her fellow crusaders trembling in the dinky little craft.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Author's Note

For the Lulz.

425 Years

Author's Note

This Chapter is to clarify what exactly happened to Jack after Discord and to drop some deeper lore on the world. More lore will show up soon. Probably next chapter

425 Years

3 days ago... Approximately seven minutes after the re-sealing of Discord...

*SLAM*

Gilda burst through the wooden door of the cabin like a juggernaut and quickly but carefully carried Jack to the couch. She paused just for a moment to catch her breath before putting two talons to his neck and panicking when she couldn't feel a heartbeat. She pressed a bit harder and screwed up her brow in confusion as she felt a violent, stuttering, rumbling instead of a steady rhythm, but shrugged that aside as he coughed up even more blood onto the floor and weakly pointed a hoof towards his bedroom. Gilda pulled at her head feathers anxiously.

"I don't know how to unlock your door, Jack!"

With a growl and a violent shudder, Jack forced a glowing red pentagram to shine through the fur of his right hoof, and spat out something that Gilda couldn't quite hear. With a series of clicks, the door unbolted itself and swung open.

Gilda rushed in and looked about the room she had hardly seen glimpses of. A large bed to one side, a desk with a can of red chalk sitting on it, and a bookshelf to the other, and a black leather-bound tome with another pentagram engraved in the cover sitting on a pedestal in the corner. Gilda grabbed the tome and rushed back to the couch to hold it in front of him.

"Is this what you need!? Jack! Do you need the creepy-ass book!?"

He managed to lift a weary head and nod slightly before croaking out a few quiet words, his life fading quickly by the minute.

"Page 782... need the red chalk... on my desk..."

Gilda flipped through the book in a frenzy as fast as her talons would allow, before stopping on the correct page. She skimmed it, picking up what she could and wondering if this was the right entry, but rushing back into Jack's room for the can of chalk as she read. She jumped back into the living room and shoved aside the rug to clear a big space on the floor before dropping the book and the chalk. She read through the instructions as she went to make sure she didn't screw it up.

Named Demon Summoning - Magic Circle Method

Step 1: Preparations: Acquire Bloodstone Chalk (See reference guide 7a) And clear a large flat surface, preferably on stone or wood.

Gilda plucked a piece of chalk from the can and set the rest aside.

Step 2: Glyph-laying: Inscribe a six foot in diameter, five-point-star pentagram circle upon the flat surface with aforementioned chalk.

Gilda glanced around but didn't have anything to measure with. She groaned and set the chalk to the ground at the edge of the space.

"Buck it. Freestyling this shit. Hope it doesn't care about exact measurements..."

A minute later, Gilda stood over a hasty, but completed pentagram. She tossed aside the chalk and read the next step.

Step 3: Summon Fuel: A small amount of blood from the summoner placed in the center of the circle is needed as a catalyst. Any amount will do, but about a 3-inch wide pool is advised.

Gilda snagged a jagged knife from the weapon rack and clutched it in one palm over the circle. She hesitated just for a second before Jack's wheezing reached her ears. She slashed the edge through her palm and gasped in pain as she let the blood fall. Once a pool had formed, she clenched her talons shut over the cut to stem the flow and read the last step.

Step 4: Summoning: Hold an outstretched limb toward your magic circle, and clearly speak the real name of your chosen demon.(The names they give to others do not count.)

Gilda turned back to the circle and held out her uncut talons.

"Jack Marley."

The circle glowed an dull red, but sputtered and died to Gilda's frantic squawks of dismay. She flipped a few more pages before throwing the book aside and leaping to Jack's side again. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him increasingly violently in desperation.

"Jack! JACK! WHO THE BUCK DO I SUMMON!?"

Finally she reared back and slapped him across the face. He coughed and sputtered as she repeated the question and he let out a low, gurgling, choking whisper that Gilda could just barely made out.

"Hominum Anima... Mea..."

Gilda whipped her hand back to the circle and yelled at the damned thing.

"HOMINUM ANIMA MEA!!!"

The circle roared to life in burst of red light as the blood evaporated away and a crackling and distorted form slowly faded into existence. A biped of red energy, with two horns on its forehead curving back menacingly. A few moments later it finally started to move and walked toward her. Gilda shrieked and tried to shield Jack from it, but found herself gently, but firmly pushed aside with incredible strength. She hardly noticed, but at its touch, her bleeding cut healed itself near instantly. It outstretched a limb towards Jack's worryingly still form, with five thin, blunt digits spreading from the end as graspers, and paused before looking over at her.

Gilda could only drop her jaw in surprise as it smiled and winked at her in a very familiar fashion before grabbing Jack's still hoof. In a burst of movement, the silhouette of energy rushed into Jack's body as he jerked and spasmed crazily. Gilda hurried back over and held him down before he ~~hurt himself~~ broke something. She caught a glimpse of ethereal horns sinking and disappearing into Jack's head just as his eyes snapped wide open.

Gilda sighed in relief and fell onto his chest in a tight hug as Jack sat up and rubbed his aching head, his eyes focusing on her after a moment. She looked back up at his smug face a minute later and rolled her eyes at his cheeky expression.

"Ye' have fun summoning yer demon boyfriend back from th' dead?"

Gilda pushed herself up and gave him a deadpan glare.

"Hell No... And why does the demon thing not surprise me?"

Jack barked a laugh and pulled her off balance to fall on top of him again. He hugged her close and nuzzled her in one of his rare displays of gentle, non sexual affection as he continued to chuckle.

"Probably the same reason ye' didn't deny me bein' yer boyfriend."

Gilda begrudgingly returned the hug, but spitefully denied that she was enjoying the embrace way too much.

"Shut up, Jack. You're dead."

"Not anymore."

Gilda smirked and planted a talon on his wide smile.

"Shh, Corpses don't talk."

"Braaaaiiiinnnsss..."

Gilda found herself laughing and struggling as Jack held her down and licked and nipped at her head mercilessly.

"Pffffffttt, JACK! Stop it! Haha! That's disgusting!"

Jack descended into laughter as well when he had to stop to spit out a few loose feathers. When they both finally calmed down, still chuckling a bit, but at a manageable level, Gilda looked up again to see Jack giving her a rather odd look. She cocked an eyebrow and jumped in surprise when he lunged forward and snagged a kiss. Not a sloppy one either, just something a bit longer than what could be considered a peck, and once again very out of character for Jack.

"I'd like to claim you, properly, but it might be a bit early for that I suppose~"

He worded it strangely, but after a moment of turning the words over, Gilda turned a dark cherry red, the deepest shade she was able to turn. She made to flail away, but Jack held her fast against his chest, far too close for Gilda, and smiled happily at her panicked, overheating expression.

"J-Jack! What the buck! You d-don't just say that so casually! What the hell am I supposed to say!?"

"Heh."

"DON'T YOU "HEH." ME! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"Yer right, it's hilarious!"

Gilda puffed her cheeks out angrily, immobilized so well that she couldn't even slap him. After a moment, Jack eased his grin and softened his smile to just a slight curl at the edges of his mouth.

"Eh, guess I did jump the gun a bit. I'll wait. You still need to know who I really am an' all that."

He released his hug and Gilda jumped up and flew across the room, well out of his reach. Jack swung his legs around and stood up to his full bipedal height. He strolled back to his room with a swing in his step and paused to look back at her.

"You want to 'ear my life story or what? I don't want t' wait long for that answer."

Gilda felt her cheeks quickly regain any heat they had lost as she glared angrily and huffed in frustration.

"G-give me a minute. Maybe five."

==========================================================================================

Gilda walked quietly into Jack's room again and found him retrieving a large box from under the bed and placing it on top of the mattress. He sat down on the bed himself and patted the space beside him. Gilda fought down another round of blushing and sat as calmly as she could beside him, determined not to show her embarrassment.

Jack took a deep breath and tapped the box absentmindedly as he spoke.

"Well, you know I'm a demon, crazy, and Irish. Any guesses what else I might be?"

Gilda pushed aside the more flustering questions in her head, and tried to think seriously.

Buck being serious, I'm tired. Spew nonsense to get it right.

"God?"

"Flattering, but no."

"Secret Alicorn of Hell?"

"That's on the bucket list now, but no."

"Not a pony or a demon?"

"Still am a Demon. Before though? Yes."

"Uh... I don't know- Alien? You don't seem like you match up to any other race I know of- except maybe griffins?"

Gilda paused, waiting for the "Nope." and was... understandably incredulous when it didn't come. She turned her head slowly to Jack's grinning face and nearly fell off the bed.

"Are- are you serious?"

"Alien. Good guess. But not from space."

Gilda flopped backwards, halfway on the bed, and groaned, rubbing her temples.

"Just bucking get it over with... No mystic bullshit, okay?"

Jack nodded and flopped back beside her as he cleared his throat.

"448 Years Ago-"

"Wait, what the buck? How old are you?"

"474 in Equestrian years, 23 as a pony, now shush."

Jack reached over, opened the box, and pulled out a picture with some writing that Gilda couldn't read scribbled at the bottom and a faded and smudged image printed on it. He hoofed it off to her and she examined the lanky, bipedal creature in the photo with it's scruffy clothes and wild black beard. She didn't understand, until she took note of its crooked smile. She looked closer at its small features and found that its hair, eyes, and even the way it stood to be almost parallel to Jack. It also happened to match the silhouette of the demon she had summoned perfectly, minus the horns.

It was Jack.

448 Years Ago, a human man lived upon the Emerald Isle. He was twenty-six, Irish by birth - and a prick.

Gilda snorted in amusement.

Like any self-respecting young Irishman, he would go drinking every payday and burn through all his hard-earned cash. And so, on a balmy night in June, -or, rather, early morning- the man left his favorite bar, the "Woodskull Tavern" he called it, though that wasn't its real name. With his last few dollars in hand, he walked off through the old streets of his hometown towards a warm bed and sleep.

He strode confidently, humming to himself, and quite cheery after a lovely night of drinking and occasional punching. And after a while he let out a great yawn, closing his eyes. He put out his right foot, set it down, and felt nothing but air.

Imagine his surprise when he fell six feet further than he intended, and face-planted into the ground. He pulled himself up a minute later, nursing his bruises as he staggered to his feet to see a sight unfamiliar to him.

A Land, a Kingdom, a great many fantastical creatures, some with horns, some wings, some had bizarre hair, and many of all different sizes and shapes. In the distance a great castle stood on a tall mountain. From this description you probably think of Equestria, land of peace, friendship, and you-name-any-saccharine-emotion-they-probably-have-it-on-a-banner-somewhere. In other words, a lovely, inviting place. But no, the man was terrified, because that was not where he ended up at all.

And maybe because everything was on fire.

"You ended up in Tartarus? That's shitty luck."

"Another misconception from ponies, Tartarus isn't actually its name, just the name of its original resident. But because the actual name is fockin' long and contains a few sounds I can't even produce without stabbing something fleshy, even demons call it Tartarus. Or Hell."

"Uh... cool?"

By his 1st year in the unfamiliar world, the man had grown small horns, something humans typically don't have, and learned to fend for himself. Already a brawler, he found himself, stronger, faster, and a force to be reckoned with. For a being with no magic, Demonic Energy was like second nature to him.

By his 10th year, he realized his memory had become nearly perfect, and his recall a thing of legend. At games of chance, which Demons all play with passion, he counted cards and measured odds with great skill and became an incredible gambler.

By his 20th, His horns finally hooked back at a modest height, marking the end of their growth. He was not wanting for gold, and his skill in combat was sufficient enough that he was never approached in a fair fight with even odds. He also realized he had stopped aging, effectively immortal in the energies of Tartarus.

By his 40th, he was stabbed in the back, and a weapon known as a Soul Siphon drained him of all of his Demonic Energy, nearly killing him. He escaped by the narrowest of margins, and hid away with his wealth to lick his wounds and plot his revenge.

By his 100th year, he realized the Soul Siphon's damage was permanent, and he was not getting his power or intellect back without outside help. Something the instinctual Demon side of him rebelled against was being in debt, and the human mind hates giving up its pride.

On his 112th, he bit back his treasured pride, and made a Devil's Deal, a soul-binding contract, with the right demon. 30 years of deadly slave labor, and the Master would reignite the Demon soul within him. The catch? No Demon had ever survived.

142nd year. The angry, bloody, and practically unkillable man stood outside of a collapsed gold mine, his would be killer crushed deep below the stone. As the hellfires flared blue to mark the end of another day, the last day of the man's thirty years, the man spat on the gruesome grave of his "Master" and claimed all of his power once the Demon's Soul opened to complete the deal.

It was then that the human, now fully demon, more powerful, and smarter than ever, gained a very useful power. The same power he had been bound to for the past 30 years.

The Devil's Deal.

Now, this human's natural life was just the same as any other. Average experiences, average jobs, average friends. But demons, on the other hand, have a few bad habits among them. Something they so easily forget to check for in their brethren despite doing it to mortals so often.

Two rules any human knows as instinct.

Always check the fine print.

And Words can be twisted.

200th year. The Irish Demon had gained a name. The only one of his kind, no other demon like him. "Demon-Eater."

He had gained a reputation of being a silver-tongued deal-breaker and a power-vampire. Demons have learned his tricks, but continue to try for his deals, as any desperate being would do. After all, the more powerful the demon, the more worthwhile the deal, and the human kept climbing the ladder.

By rare occasion, a particularly careful and quiet demon would slip through the web of wordplay mixed into each deal and escaped alive. But the harsh majority of the demons who shook his hand found the other crushing their heart.

By his 357th year, The Irishman was renowned to be in the upper one-hundred of the most powerful Demons of Tartarus, but he was bored as shit.

376th. He devoted himself, body, mind, and soul, to climbing the ranks. No more wordplay. He began challenging the next highest ranking demon to battle in any form of gambling, the typical "Gentleman's Duel" of Tartarus, and draining them of their power.

By the 417th, He had clawed and cheated his way through the most complex cardgames known to demonkind, until finally he reached the top. The Demon Royale Tables, held in the great hall of The Castle of Tartarus. Only the top 50 demonic rankers could play at these tables. And had just claimed the 50th spot for himself.

Every single one of the players played dirty, and with each of their chips worth a portion of their power, wealth, or domains, losing all of them could push them completely out of the Royale, if not cost them their lives. Most of these players were at least lords of their own domains, or even kings, but the human was pleased to learn that the top 10 was comprised only of solo Demons, with no royal titles, and of great combat skill.

Each table had a Great Beholder as the card dealer. Despite only having a single great eye, they really did see nearly everything in their surroundings, and it took incredible sleights of hand or powerful hidden spells and glyphs to slip anything by them. Despite this, every single one of the players cheated, sometimes openly.

In Tartarus, incorrectly calling out what exactly a player is doing to cheat means instant death from the Devil's deal given to each player. At the same time, correctly calling the cheat means the cheater will die. There was a significant high-risk, high-reward in the system, so it was a very bold move to make. The Royale effectively combined Liar's Dice and Poker into one game, with death as the penalty.

There was only two rules, no physical/mental/magical violence between players, and no magically changing the face of the cards.

In addition, each and every table played Red Queen Poker, and only Red Queen Poker, which is a minimum ten card draw. It is considered to be the riskiest of poker variants in all of Tartarus.

Even still. The human sat himself at the nearest game and was dealt his cards as he formed his chips. Without sparing the cards a glance, he called to the rest.

"I raise."

425th year. Last year in Tartarus.

(Jack's 3rd Person View)

"What's your play, Demon-Eater? We're waiting~!"

"Shut it, Melucient. That won't work again, bitch."

The Massive Horned Succupony that held the proud rank of 2 loomed to his right with a seductive grin, jiggling the assets she had grown just to distract him. It wasn't the only way she was cheating, sadly, so he couldn't call it and get her erased from the game and the world.

Jack looked down to his hand one last time and sighed in dismay.

"Fock this noise. All in."

Immediately, the rest of the table recoiled and considered their own hands, having counted cards, wagered odds, cast secret spells and carved tracking and spy-shielding glyphs on every card in their possession a hundred times over in the last few minutes. And then glaring at the human's seemingly unenchanted deck. They cast spell after spell, but could sense nothing special from the cards, Jack's mind, or the mind of the Beholder.

One by one, half of them folded, leaving Jack with two of the warriors who had yet to give nicknames sitting stoically, ranking 4 and 5 respectively, and Melucient frowning like a child. The warriors glanced at each other, smirked slightly and pushed their piles forward, both going all in.

Melucient tried to jiggle him into submission... for the 37th time... in the last thirty minutes, before slowly pushing just the needed amount in, having just a few chips more than Jack.

The dealer blinked his one giant eye then rumbled out his line.

"Reveal your hands."

Melucient pushed her hand forward with a flourish, revealing her 10 cards. 4 number pairs, and 2 skull cards.

5 paused, dealt his scaled hand downward, and flipped them after a moment, revealing a lesser hand. He calmly stood and stroked his beard. After a moment he deftly picked up his battle helm and fitted it over his antler-like horns. He drew his wickedly barbed sword, point to the ground, in salute to them as he awaited the end of the round.

4 cackled and shoved his hand forward, revealing 1 number pair, 2 face card pairs, and 3 skull cards. A barely stronger hand than Melucient. He turned his eyes to Jack and grinned evilly.

"Give it up, boy. I know your hand is garbage. You didn't even bother guarding it."

"Oh I know this hand is trash."

The smile left 4's face.

"Why go all in when every one of us knew you had nothing? You can't change the cards."

"I didn't."

"Then why do you continue to smile, Demon-Eater?"

"Because this isn't my hand."

The hope drained from 4's body as Jack tossed the cards behind him and Malucient clapped her hands eagerly. He flicked his hand, and just like that, with not a speck of a spell or a sleeve to hide them, his real ten cards. He slapped them down to the table and 4 nearly jumped out of his armor. 4 Aces, 1 King, and 5 Skull Cards- otherwise known as a Hydra Flush.

Jack grinned as 4 jumped over the table in a rage only to suddenly disperse into dust before his fist could meet Jack's face.

"No Violence Between Players."

5 resigned himself as the power left his frame and entered the jackpot well floating above the table. He staggered for a moment, but nodded to Jack in respect before sheathing his sword and exiting the great hall. His strength reduced to somewhere around the 150th ranking, but still alive as he did not put all of his soul into the chips.

A few more rounds passed, and while Malucient and 3 went bankrupt, they did not have to leave the room, having not turned much of their souls into chips and maintaining an upper 50 ranker status. They stood by and watched in a sort of awe as Jack "Demon-Eater" glared into the black eyes of the No. 1 ranker, The Warlord "Card-Craft."

Jack was a little puzzled by the diminutive demon known to be a bloodthirsty beast on the battlefield, not having expected him to be quite so small, but shrugging it off and continuing the game. After a few more rounds, Jack was surprised by the play-style shift Card-Craft had suddenly pulled. It seemed rather like he was giving up more and more frequently until he finally stopped and went all in with a pitiable amount left.

Jack stared at the tiny pile of chips Card-Craft had pushed forward and wondered what he could be thinking, but continued to guard his mental defenses against anything the small demon might try. Jack slowly pushed forward the allotted amount to match his, and was surprised when the demon suddenly stood.

"Analysis Finished."

Jack raised an eyebrow at his quiet statement, but the other soon followed with what he said next.

"Jack "Demon-Eater" Marley, I accuse you of cheating."

Malucient, the former 3, and the rest of the crowd the game had gathered gasped in surprise, but soon began nodding as they realized his play. Card-Craft had gone for the long haul, and decided to map each and every one of Jack's cheats until the last moment before eliminating Jack permanently, taking the jackpot by default.

Jack cracked his neck and dropped his cards on the table, face up.

"Oh? And how exactly have I cheated?"

Card-Craft smiled knowingly and began his listing.

"You hid everything well, and climbed the ranks of the Royale with incredible speed, but even if I respect your skill, there can only be one victor. I accuse you of saving cards, swapping cards, scrying, peering directly at a player's hand, mind invasion, Jowilbien's hollow-arm curse, Abriel's clean-cut flesh zipper curse, the spell-void field, the card-swap theft spell, and the marking of cards. Each skull card has a minute mark on the back after being in your hands. I conclude the list."

Jack burst out laughing as Card-Craft's end to his tirade.

"Wow, ye' had me worried there, I thought for sure you would've caught the last one!"

"You cannot deceive me. Adding a cheat will result in a failed accusation."

"Well ye' missed three, you gobshite."

Card-Craft paused for a moment before his eyes widened.

"You're serious... what did I miss?"

"One, I never used the void spell field-"

Jack's voice suddenly shifted, and Card-Craft froze in shock, as did the rest of the crowd, as another Jack walked out from behind him.

"Two, I used the Spell of the Shadow King, Absolute Cloak. You couldn't get into my head because you were aiming at the wrong spot. Which brings me to my final cheat."

Jack walked over to his double, still frozen at the table, and smoothly ripped its head off, revealing it to be nothing more than an illusion.

"Three, The Perfect Illusion Curse."

Card-Craft blinked twice, and gave a wry smile. He walked around the table, withdrew a small scroll, and handed it off to Jack. He bowed as he began turning to dust, his full soul in the chips.

"Well done, Jack Marley. May your days be long."

Jack nodded his horns in turn, respectful of the great gambler before him.

"Of course they will be! I'm livin' off yours after all."

Card-Craft chuckled and wiped away a shadow of a tear before fading away completely.

Jack glanced down to the scroll Card-Craft left in his hand, and broke the seal as the crowd began applauding their new number 1, the "Demon-Eater."

Jack felt the power from the jackpot well rushing into him and consumed it greedily as he began to read the small scroll.

To be given to the new Number 1 Ranker upon the defeat of the old.

Please pass this along to next highest ranker upon the event of your death or if you choose to invoke the privilege you have earned.

Upon the receiving of this scroll, you will have defeated the former holder of it, or have inherited it from the next highest. As such, you have now earned the power to invoke a challenge to the highest demon there ever was or will be.

Obviously it will be a challenge of the cards you know and love, but of a higher tier you have not played on before. I leave it to you if you want to steal more power from others before you make your challenge, but any amount of power will not make a difference.

Simply State: "I invoke the challenge of Tartarus Himself." And it will begin.

Happy Hunting, I hope to see you soon.

Signed - Tartarus, The Black King

A small note was tacked onto the end, left there by Card-Craft.

P.S.- No Demon has dared challenge him in millennia, so he's likely itching for a good game.
-- Signed, C.C.

Jack grinned and held up a hand, silencing the audience of Demons clamoring around him. He called out over the crowd.

"WHO HAS THE RANK OF NUMBER 2?"

A tall demon warrior who went by "Gore" stepped forward proudly and flinched in surprise when the small scroll bounced off his head.

"Congrats! You're the new number one, surprise, there's your inheritance, and don't fuck it up, dumbass."

The warrior, though his pride was definitely tarnished, wisely accepted the small scroll and backed away from the crushing power the Demon-Eater now put off like waves of radiation. Jack nodded and walked a ways away from the bewildered crowd before raising his voice to the heavens/slightly-higher-depths-of-hell-than-the-rest-of-it-because-heaven-is-most-definitely-out-of-hearing-range.

"I invoke the challenge of Tartarus Himself!"

A column of black shadows fell from the sky and burst through the ceiling directly in front of Jack, who merrily skipped into it, and a loud, rumbling roar of a voice echoed throughout the castle and across the entirety of Tartarus.

"Finally."

In a surge of black energy, Jack vanished into the sky, leaving the host of shocked demons in his wake.

==========================================================================================

"Then I got reborn as a weird little earth pony bastard-"

"Wh- Wait! What happened with "Challenging Tartarus Himself" and all that? You got me excited for a big, crazy demon poker showdown!"

Jack popped an eyebrow up in confusion, legitimately confused what Gilda was upset about.

"Well obviously I won, or I wouldn't be here."

"So it wasn't this big, epic showdown of awesome wits and wicked cheating and bucking around with his mind?"

"Surprisingly, not really. A simple little trick that would have screwed over any demon, but luckily I was also a human. Kind of a let down after all the buildup. Nice guy actually. Got me reincarnated as a baby horse, but hey, it was just a roll of the dice."

“... Buck you, Jack.”

“I’m more than willin’ here~!”

Gilda rolled her eyes at the insufferable stallion and cracked her back as she flipped back to her paws, stretching out her wings and fixing some crooked feathers.

“There’s the Jack I know and tolerate.”

“Heh. You know you love me.”

Gilda huffed in exasperation and hopped off the bed. She paused in the doorway and turned back to Jack.

"So wait, reincarnation? You have parents?"

"Well, had one, at least. Bastard, remember? I've still got a kick-ass Granny though!"

“Huh... Can I meet her?”

Home of a Self-Proclaimed Asshole - Plus - Smash Cut of Season 1 Because Fuck It

Jack's house was a mess, to say the least, but somehow still luxurious.

He clearly had no ambition to clean up the stray jars that littered every flat surface, but other than that, the place was practically spotless.

Gilda set down her small pack next to the plush couch and sank into it with a sigh as she looked around. Jack walked past her to a simple, but well stocked kitchen on the far wall. She took note of the high quality floors, caged in lights, and some of the bizarre trinkets hanging on the walls. There looked to be a framed, broken, over-sized red bass guitar (way too big for Jack at least) in a shadowy corner alongside what looked to be a hoof-drawn map of some country Gilda didn't recognize. In a glass case beside the door she had just entered, a small bottle labeled "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY" sat under a small light, giving it an ominous look. On another wall, a few swords, axes, a spear or two, one gigantic silver axe, and a lot of empty weapon pegs covered any available space. Across from the couch, a cabinet of some sort dominated most of the wall, with a large empty space in the middle of it that Gilda couldn't help but notice. The room seemed to revolve around the cabinet as a focal point so it looked rather incomplete.

"Yo Jack?"

"Ya?"

"What's with that empty space in the cabinet?"

Jack smirked at the spot before going back to whatever he was cooking.

"Technically speaking, it hasn't been invented yet."

Taking his vague answer as dodging the question, and seeing as he had offered her somewhere to crash free of charge, Gilda didn't push it. She did, however, snap her head back to him when she caught a whiff of a familiar smell she had missed. She jumped up, sniffing the air eagerly and stalking towards Jack's turned back. She peeked over his shoulder and suppressed the urge to squeal like a hatchling.

"You eat FISH!?"

He didn't bother looking at her this time, but chuckled like he could sense her bouncing in place.

"I made a two-ton piece of metal on wheels faster 'n most pegasi, drink hard liquor like it's water, and loathe ponykind, but the omnivore thing surprises you?"

Gilda blinked and chuckled sheepishly.

"It's rarer than you think in deep Equestria. It's way more common near Griffonstone, but it's practically like cannibalism here. Everyfeather's so into being "friends" with nature, but come on it's nature! I'm not wiping out a forest by eating one squirrel!"

Jack snorted and flipped the sizzling meat like a pancake before turning to her with a smirk.

"Sounds like a certain ex-bestie got on yer case. Tell ye what, since you'll figure it out eventually, I'll feed ya all the meat I can muster as long as you don't tell Miss Sun Bitch that I'm committing genocide on all Timberwolves. Animal rights n' all that are focking tight 'ere."

Gilda laughed and raised an eyebrow.

"... Do you just have like... a hitlist for certain races or something?"

"It's called a shitlist, dearie... And noooo of course not. Yet."

==============================================================================================

Gilda groaned and rolled over and off the couch, eliciting another groan as she hit the floor. She inched her way across the floor towards the kitchen and boosted herself to her paws on the wall. She blinked sleepily and stared at the empty coffee pot on the counter. She turned and called across the one-floor cabin.

“Jaaaack. Jaaack~”

She waited and listened but only heard a deep rumbling snore from beyond the multi-deadbolted thick wood door that housed Jack’s room.

She growled and stomped over to the door before sucking in a huge breath and slamming her talon on the door.

*BANG!BANG!BANG!*
“WAKE THE BUCK UP JACK!!”

“FUCK!”
*THUD!*

Gilda smirked and walked back to the kitchen as the locks were released in a rush and the door was ripped open.

“THE FOCK YOU WANT GRIFFIN!? YOU BETTER HAVE A PRETTY DAMN GOOD REASON!”

Gilda turned back to the furious stallion with a charming, dainty smile and responded in turn.

“I WANT SOME FAUST-DAMNED COFFEE BUT I CANT WORK YOUR BUCKING COFFEE MACHINE!”

Jack held the glare for a moment longer before dropping it and shrugging.

“That’s a pretty damn good reason...”

Jack closed his door and knocked twice, locking the door with some hidden apparatus as Gilda looked on in victory. She was genuinely curious what he hid in there, but he banned her from even touching the door on the first day.

Jack had only three rules:

Do not touch or attempt to bargain with anything that glows or talks when it does not normally do so. You will likely regret it instantly and/or become possessed/soulless/without a core motor function.

Feel free to become drunk. However, hangovers are not Jack's problem. If you drink all of the booze, you are fucked.

Do not enter Jack Marley’s room under any circumstances. Depending on intent, punishment is dealt within the range of "punch to the face" and "death by violent removal of genitalia."

Suffice to say, Gilda favored her nether regions attached to her. She switched her gaze from the alluring door back to see Jack deftly filling the coffee pot with one hoof while flicking buttons and adding fresh coffee grounds to the maker with another. It would have been less startling with a griffin, or another of the species on Equss with actual digits instead of hooves, but every move Jack made, from standing on his back legs at all times, to handling tools just reminded Gilda that Jack was far from average.

She shook off her musings as the pot slowly began to fill and Jack cast a glance back at her.

"So," he got her attention, "What do griffins do all day while their generous host works his arse off?"

"You have a job?" Gilda asked in surprise, "I was wondering pretty much the same thing."

Jack stared at her for a moment before sighing and walking to a big plaque on the wall that definitely hadn't been there a moment before.

Gilda came closer and read it aloud.

"Patent for the design of... THE STEAM-POWERED TRAIN!?"

==============================================================================================

Gilda woke up to the smell of smoke, not for the first time in her strange lodgings. She sat up and stretched before glancing over to the kitchen.

Jack sat at the table, calmly staring into what seemed to be a burning bowl of cereal.

Gilda got up and grabbed the offered mug of life that Jack held out to her and joined his staring.

"How did this-" she gestured to the burning mess in the bowl, "y'know, catch on fire?"

Jack took a long swig from his own, plus sized mug of black liquid, and answered like nothing was amiss.

"No idea. Could be cursed. Same thing happened when I tried to make salad."

Gilda blinked in confusion. She had been bumming it on Jack's couch and food for probably about three weeks now, and she had never seen or heard of a trace of salad in Jack's presence. He was practically a carnivore.

"When have you made salad?"

"Exactly."

They sat there for awhile in silence, staring until the cereal turned to ash and Jack finished his coffee. He set the mug down down gently.

"Fuck this."

He got up quickly and seized the giant silver axe, easily twice his height, from the wall of weapons. Gilda raised an amused eyebrow and chuckled as he lifted it casually with one hoof.

"Going somewhere?"

"I'll be back before nightfall. If you hear any vicious sounds of flesh rending and screaming from the pit, don't worry about it, yur imaginin' tings."

Gilda merely shrugged and continued to drink her coffee.

...

Drip... Drip...

Gilda stirred from her sleep and opened her eyes only to stifle a yelp a moment later.

A massive grotesque creature stood over her, claws raised and a toothy maw ready to tear her apart, but standing ominously still. A moment later, it began turning to ash, revealing a familiar gleaming axe protruding from where it's head was just a moment before.

She quickly squinted her eyes as her cover disintegrated, revealing a tired and bleeding Jack standing behind it. He had been struck over the head, and a thin line of blood ran from his mane, over a closed right eye, and fell down to the floor.

Drip... Drip...

The open door behind him creaked a bit in the wind, and he soon turned, limping over and closing it with a sigh. He glanced at her and she closed her eyes completely, looking all to the world like she was in a deep sleep. She heard Jack limp across the room, pause by her for a moment, and continue over to his wall of weapons to return the axe. A moment later, his door opened and closed softly.

Gilda opened her eyes a crack only to let out an actual shriek as Jack sat directly in front of her with a patient gaze. He waited silently until she calmed herself a bit before speaking.

"So. I'm sure you've got questions."

Gilda gawked before scowling at him.

"How in Tartarus did you know I was awake?"

Jack blinked in surprise and chuckled.

"You surprise me again, Gilda. Always asking the unexpected." He leaned forward and smiled deviously. "You think a bit differently than others. You could 'ave screamed back then, but yer urge to fight instead- oh! That surprised me. Your talons tensed instantly, but not a whisper left your mouth. By extension, your breathing stopped as well. That's what tipped me off."

Gilda sat up and leaned back against the couch, inviting him into the empty space. He accepted the offer and sat beside her.

"Your ears must be really sensitive then."

"Better 'en most."

Gilda screwed up her face at the cryptic answer.

"So... what was that thing?"

The smile dropped a bit, revealing some mild irritation on Jack's part.

"Demon, Fifth tier. Came to kill me, got a whiff of you and dropped by for a snack. Sorry about that by the way, I did ward this place before I left, but this guy was a tad bigger than I was expecting."

Gilda glanced down to the pile of ash on the ground.

"Guy? I'm surprised you aren't calling him a bastard or something worse."

Jack was silent again. It took him a minute to come up with an answer.

"You're taking this remarkably well..."

"Well he's dead now, right? What's to panic about? I'm too cool to worry about a scrap that's already over. Been in enough fights to know that much. Plus, I think your bloodthirsty slaughter of the wildlife has kinda messed with my standard for what's horrifying."

Jack just chuckled, genuinely impressed.

"If you must know, I respect his skill. It's rare anything gets the drop on me, let alone hurts me."

"That reminds me, Jack. WHO THE BUCK ARE YOU?"

Jack grinned as he got up, wiping some blood off his face as he went to grab a broom.

"Ah, ye'know, just a very angry Irish Badass."

...

The next morning, Jack, none the worse for wear, glared down into his bowl of cereal, daring it to catch flame. Gilda just laughed and drank her coffee as he victoriously tore into his breakfast, an extremely pleased expression on his face.

"Breakfast, meet Maker. Maker, Breakfast."

==============================================================================================

Ep. 6 - Boastbusters

Skipped because Jack didn't give a shit. Also because he would have won instantly.

Ep. 7 - Dragonshy

The ABC's of Conversation

Twilight and the others stood warily outside the cave, already having been repelled several times by the Dragon inside, and Fluttershy having failed yet again to get a word in edgewise before one of her friends rushed in. She sighed and hung her head as she wondered if they would ever listen to her. Male laughter suddenly sounded behind them as yet another of their number was flung out of the cave.

They instantly perked up and straightened their manes and the like before "noticing" Jack standing behind them.

"Oh hello Jack~!"
"Howdy, sexy."
"Sup!"
"Yes! Jack is here!"
"Hello! You look nice today!"
"Fancy meeting you here, dearie~"

He simply stared, unfazed by the lecherous gazes.

"A: Fuck off, smartwhorse B: Fuck you, inbred bitch. C: The Sky, asshole. Also, Your Ex-bestie lives in my house now. D: You are the most annoying cunt of all time and I want to stab you. E: I'll take the compliment because I always look fan-fucking-tastic, but fuck you anyway. And F: Not really. Stand aside, I'm gonna fuck up a dragon."

Stonewalled by the blunt, uncaring tone, -and the fact that their foolproof plan (seducing him) didn't have the slightest impact- they were too stunned to stop him as he strolled by as if he was on a Sunday jaunt rather than descending into a Dragon's lair.

Of course, then when the Dragon began roaring and shaking the mountain before going silent, without ejecting Jack out of the cave, they immediately assumed the worst. They began wailing their incompetence and failures as women to protect the weak and foolish Jack when he suddenly strolled back out with nary a scratch.

He looked about at the dumbfounded looks on their faces with nary a care in the world.

"A: I'm covered in hidden razor blades, so if you don't halt that hug right now pink whorse you gon' die. B: I took care of the dragon. C: By right of combat the hoard belongs to me, not your god. D: You lot? Not happening in a million years. E: Have a horrible day. I'm getting shitfaced tonight."

Ep. 8 - Look Before You Sleep

Simple and to the point.

There was a simple sign outside of Jack's house.

Any underwear raids or peeping will bring immediate retaliation in the form of Arson.

Half an orchard of Apple Trees, a dozen spellbooks, and a new line of fancy clothes burned that night.

Ep. 9 - Bridle Gossip

Please won't you be my neighbor?

Zecora jumped at the sudden knock on her door. She moved from her potion making to the door rather quickly, not wanting to be rude to her first visitor. She opened the door and greeted with a smile.

"Hello, good fellow. How are you today? Are you just dropping by to say hello, or are you here to stay?"

She realized she had been saying all this to the chest of her visitor, and looked up to see a stallion on his hind legs with a pleased grin looking down to her.

"That was focking majestic, might I say, and might I be greeted by a Zebrican potion brewer this fine summer day? My name is Jack, by-the-by, and I simply had to meet you- do or die!"

Zecora raised a brow at the challenge, and answered in turn.

"You may, my doubly-tall friend. Is there some ailment that has you on the bend? If not, I'm afraid your visit may be quite the bore, many find my way of talking to be quite the chore. Zecora is my given title, be warned, I am far from idle."

"No illness will ever befall me, on this you can depend. Instead, the hoof of bargaining I eagerly extend. I am willing to get you ingredients, though you may find my methods crude. In exchange I only ask for the knowledge of how my own potions may be brewed."

Zecora thought for a moment and took his offered hoof, accepting the deal and marveling at the strength in his grip.

"I will take your offer, my beastly strong compatriot, but know I am always happy to share my craft to those in a rut."

Jack nodded his thanks.

"And now to this rhyming I must take a bow, I am beginning to find it quite annoying now."

Zecora snorted in amusement and let him into her hut.

Ep. 10 - Swarm of the Century

FUCK NATURE, I HAVE FIRE!

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! COME GET SOME YA WEE BASTARDS!"

Jack unleashed a huge swath of flames across his yard, burning any infernal parasprite that got anywhere close.

Gilda soon came out and stood beside him, watching the burning little lumps of gluttony fall and turn to ash with a sick satisfaction.

"Can I have a turn?"

Jack turned to her, bellowing.

"YOU DARE TOUCH MY FLAMMENWERFER!?"

"...Please?"

"Yeah alright."

He shrugged off the flamethrower pack and handed it to her, seizing a beer a from a convenient cooler and lying on an equally convenient lawnchair that was definitely not summoned by the plot device.

"Happy birthday, and happy hunting, my dear Fräulein."

Jack chugged half the bottle and chuckled as Gilda werfed some flammen at anything that moved.

Ep. 11 - Winter Wrap Up

Resurrecting Dead Memes since 1987

Twilight looked up in wonder at the towering snow statue that Jack had somehow built himself into, with his head poking out comically atop its shoulders.

"I AM THE SNOW GUARDIAN! GUARDIAN OF THE SNOW!"

Gilda flew up and planted a talon on the statue's chest.

"SPRING QUIVERS BEFORE HIM!"

Jack glared down at the gathered crowd of Winter Wrap Up ponies.

"FOCK OFF!"

Ep. 12 - Call of the Cutie

I'm Caring if I need to Be

Jack opened the door to see Applebloom staring up at him hopefully.

He suddenly drew his gigantic knife.

"I can get you a "magic" butt tattoo if you really want it."

She nodded eagerly as Jack frowned.

"1,000 bits paid upfront, another 5,000 with monthly payments."

She paled and looked crestfallen.

"I also charge interest."

She sighed and trotted away as Jack grinned, happy to have dissuaded her from his way of doing things.

...What? Think he's heartless or something?

Ep. 13 - Fall Weather Friends

Some People say I'm too competitive. Git Gud Scrubs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

A pink earth pony glanced about in confusion before suddenly being headbutted off the balloon by a viciously hurled baby dragon. He reappeared after a moment with a dazed expression, a megaphone landing perfectly in his claws. He gave a thumbs up to a grey stallion on the ground. Aforementioned stallion dusted off his hooves and went to get fitted with a running number.

He won by a landslide by skating on the ground like it was ice. An abuse of the rules? Sure. But he regretted nothing. The final bracket left him in first, and two random background characters in second and third.

He stole first place. He also stole their medals. Because he could.

Ep. 14 - 16

Irrelevant because nothing funny happened. The author is very tired at this time. It is now 4 AM.

Ep. 17 - Stare Master

I am become Death, destroyer of cockatrices.

The cockatrice glared into this yellow pegasus' eyes, determined to turn her to stone, and slowly winning their little contest. He almost had her, just a little bit more you stupid pony. A faint rustle of bushes did nothing to distract him.

...

The all-encompassing dread and premonition of doom on the other hand...

Fluttershy stuttered in her ranting as the Cockatrice suddenly whipped its head away and sprinted off.

Did I... win?

She shrieked but a moment later as a heavily camouflaged and bloody form burst screaming from the bushes and rushed by her.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

She screamed again as another, equally morbid shape flew past her.

"DEATH FOR THE DEATH GOD!"

Fluttershy and the girls quickly ran to safety as the two hunters screamed and hollered through the forest.

"THAT ISN'T A REAL GOD!"

"BUCK YOU! YES IT IS!"

"FUCK YOU TOO!"

"BUCK YOU THREE! I SAID IT FIRST SO YOU'RE THE MOST BUCKED!"

"FUCK!"

Ep. 18 - The Show Stoppers

Jack is best pony bro.

Twilight blinked once, twice, before registering what she was seeing.

Jack was headbanging violently backstage while the CMC performed their act despite looking like he had just lost a fight with a wood chipper. He had what seemed to be a large, suction cup marks and ink all over his body, and bits of taffy in his now rainbow-dyed hair.

Twilight finally realized why Jack had been burning books in the library with the CMC earlier, he had likely been making sure none of them actually got hurt in all of their little crusades while causing a little grief along the way.

As if he had heard her thoughts over the pounding music, he suddenly froze and straightened up. He coughed into his hoof and cast a silent glance in her direction.

No one will ever believe you.

Just then, the music ended as the CMC finished their act. Jack grinned and congratulated them as they came backstage.

Twilight found herself not even needing to step in to get their spirits back up. Jack had skillfully turned their dejection into laughter at all the stuff they messed up. She only smiled and secretly pulled out a scroll, scribbled a little message, and sent it off to Celestia.

Dear, Princess CelestiASS,

It has come to my attention that even the rudest, sourest, and most hopelessly isolated ponies can have a heart.

Jack Marley certainly has a soft spot for the Cutiemark Crusaders.NOTHING!

There is hope for Jack yet.

Your Student,Little Bitch,

Twilight SparklePurple Whorse

Ep. 19 - 22

These subplots were avoided with a vengeance. Jack does not associate willingly with the Slut Squad.

Ep. 23 - The Cutie Mark Chronicles

Why So Serious!?

Jack stared down in confusion at the CMC gathered around his door and idly wondered how ponies were getting past the minefield so easily.

"Hey Jack!"
"Big Jack!"
"Howdy Mr. Marley!"

Jack frowned at Applebloom playfully.

"Mr. Marley was me dad's name, call me Jack, Applebloom. Why are you lot up 'ere den?"

"We're going around town and asking everypony how they got their Cutie Marks!" said Scootaloo, extremely unaware of how nervous Jack had just become, "So, how did you get yours? It was something rad for sure!"

Jack leaned back into the doorway and looked off to his side. Gilda had shot up from the couch and was furiously waving her talons and shaking her head.

"Uh..." he scrambled for some half-assed yet believable answer. "I, uh.... am very good at... being evil? Yeah, that works! YEP! Being PURE EVIL is definitely how I got this sucker, definitely not through some gruesome and painful method that I don't dare share wit' youth in fear of 'em copying my actions! Definitely!"

He stretched a painfully tight smile across his face. Applebloom scratched her head, while Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell raised an eyebrow.

"So... if yall'r evil n' all, shouldn't you not be nice to us?"

Jack was suddenly sweating profusely.

"That's, uh, because TRUE EVIL has standards! Yep, if you have no moral code at all then you're just crazy! My standards, luckily for you lot, cover not terrorizing young'ins."

Jack glanced at an imaginary watch.

"Oh! Would you look at the time! So much to do, so little daylight! IHAVETOGOGOODLUCKDONTASKMETHATAGAINUNTILYOUREOLDERBYE!"

Jack slammed the door and blew out a long sigh as he slid down the wall. Gilda peaked out the window to make sure the CMC were gone before walking over to him.

"How did you get your Cutie Mark?"

Jack suddenly laughed maniacally for a moment before looking up to her with a devious smile.

"You wanna know how I got these scars?"

"Yeah. That's why I asked dumbass."

Ep. 24 & 25

Skipped. See Above Reasons.

Ep. 26 - The Best Night Ever

Yeah that's happening next time. Too many jokes, not enough chapter.

Author's Note

Because I'm a lazy potato.

Here's the Ireland's Call.

Ireland, Ireland
Side by side
We stand like brothers
One for all and all together
We will stay united through darker days
And we'll be unbeatable forever
Ireland, Ireland
Together standing tall
Shoulder to shoulder
We'll answer Ireland's call
Come the day and come the hour
Some will live in song and stories
We were born to follow our guiding star
And to meet our destiny with glory
Ireland, Ireland
Together standing tall
Shoulder to shoulder
We'll answer Ireland's call
Hearts of steel and heads are bowing
Vowing never to be broken
We will fight, until we can fight no more
'Til our final requiem is spoken
Ireland, Ireland
Together standing tall
Shoulder to shoulder
We'll answer Ireland's call
Ireland, Ireland
Together standing tall
Shoulder to shoulder
We'll answer Ireland's call
We'll answer Ireland's call

Songwriters: Phil Coulter

If anyone spots mistakes, feel free to point them out pls. Or dont, but then you're an asshole.