Rarity has Dyed

by Unwhole Hole

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 25239

Rarity dyes her mane. Chaos ensues.

Rarity dyes her mane pink for a charity ball.

To avoid sending the whole town into a panic, she publishes this fact in the local newspaper.

Unfortunately, homophones happen.

Published 2018-03-31 18:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-31 18:10:07 UTC

Chapter 1: Pink

With a flourish and an admittedly ostentatious strut, Rarity stepped out from behind the curtain, flicking her hair as she struck a pose.

“Well?” she said, smiling and waving her perfectly mascaraed eyelashes. “What do you think?”

“I think my hindquarters are starting to hurt somethin’ fierce,” muttered Applejack. “I mean, seriously, Rarity, did you set out to find the most uncomfortable chairs possible?”

Rarity frowned and groaned. “Darling, the chairs and couches are meant to support the décor by bringing the room together in a unified theme. Comfort is more of a secondary consideration.”

“Tell that to my hindquarters.”

“No. I don’t intend to fall for that again. Now, if you would be so kind as to give me your opinion?”

“Bout what?”

Rarity frowned even more deeply and gestured sharply at her mane.

“What about it?”

“Darling. I’ve colored it pink!”

“Wait. Is that all you did? I’ve been sitting here for three hours- -”

“The art of changing the color of ones mane is a delicate and sensitive process!” Rarity’s pitch increased several octaves toward the end of the sentence, causing Applejack to wince. “This particular temporary dye has several special requirements that simply MUST be adhered to at the risk of split ends. SPLIT ENDS, darling!”

“I don’t even know what split ends are.”

“What your mane is almost entirely made out of, essentially.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “Did you just insult me?”

“No.”

“Oh…okay. But…why am I here again?”

“Because your opinions are renowned for their brutal honesty. And after undergoing a procedure this drastic, I need some of it. Well? How do I look?”

“Like that tall pony that that Fancy Pants guy pays to stand around him naked. Or like if Pinkie Pie had a sister who didn’t have a color as if she was purpose-bred to hide in the rocks and wait until yer too close to get away…”

“That’s oddly specific.”

“Why did you even change the color anyway? It looks…weird. Like you’re a big Sweetie Belle or somethin’.”

Rarity paused, not knowing if she had just been insulted or not. “Darling, I told you! It’s for the Breast Cancer Awareness Charity Ball in Canterlot! As a prestigious designer and small business owner, I’m expected to attend! I’ve spent the last month making a special fashion line for the charity event!”

“So you spent the last month making dresses. That’s not exactly news. And why the heck are we having a Breast Cancer ball anyway?”

Rarity gasped. “Darling! Breast cancer is a very serious disease!”

“I know that, but in case you didn’t notice, we’re ponies!”

“So?”

Applejack sat up and gestured at her flat pony chest. Rarity looked at it, and then down at her own. “Huh,” she said. “I never noticed that we don’t actually have any…”

“You make dresses and you didn’t notice?”

“Well- -the thought never occurred to me! But it certainly does explain why the busts never fit correctly…”

“And you said this thing is a ball, right?”

“Yes. A charity ball.”

“Well, then, wouldn’t it make more sense to have it for testicular cancer instead?”

Rarity gasped. “Applejack! There’s no need to be so vulgar!”

“I’m not bein’ vulgar! I’m just saying! Now I know for a FACT that testiculars DO exist! That’s where Flurry Heart came from!”

“Not to mention the fact that I’m sure you’ve seen some.”

Applejack’s eyes went wide, and her color shifted several shades redder. “Are you sayin’ I’ve seen a lot of testiculars?”

“I did not mean to imply that. But you do have a brother, so- -”

Applejack shuddered and appeared to become nauseous. “One more word about my brother’s testiculars and I’ll put you in a headlock!”

“Please don’t,” sighed Rarity. “I bruise like a banana. A desperately fabulous banana, but a banana nonetheless. You have no idea how difficult it is having a perfect white coat!” Rarity flicked her pink-colored hair and walked to a mirror. “Everything must be perfect if I’m to represent my business and to show the event the proper level of respect.” She sighed. “But pink is certainly not my color…sweet Celestia’s golden rump, I’m having such terrible second thoughts…”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about it. It looks fine. Besides, it’s a temporary dye. Heck, you probably could have dyed it green and still made it work.”

Rarity’s eyes turned sharply toward Applejack, and their gaze made Applejack take a step back. “I appreciate the vote of confidence,” whispered Rarity. “But don’t joke about something like that.”

“R…right…”

Rarity levitated a brush and began to run it through her mane. “Well. I think I can tolerate it for now. It simply wouldn’t do to make an appearance out of form. It would be downright uncouth. And I have already taken precautions to prepare the rest of the town…”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Precautions?”

“Well, yes, darling! The act of changing one’s mane color, even for a few days- -it can be profoundly shocking on one’s constitution! Why, if I were to find that you had changed your marvelous but split-end ridden blond mane to a different shade, the shock would give me such a terrible fit of the vapors!”

“Um…I still can’t tell if you’re insulting me…”

“Only partially darling. Nevertheless, I took out an ad in the local paper to ensure that everypony knows I will be changing my mane color. That way no one will be shocked or suffer fainting bouts.”

“You took out an ad? Seriously?”

“Of course, darling. It should be out in today’s issue, assuming that Derpy finished the design on time.”

Applejack’s eyes went wide. “You gave the job to…her?”

“Well she certainly needs the work. And she did such an amazing job on the invitations for Cranky and Matilda’s wedding…”

“Whoa boy,” muttered Applejack. “This isn’t going to go well…”

Chapter 2: The Paper

Across town, Starlight Glimmer lay on one of the numerous couches that were interspersed throughout Twilight’s castle. It was not particularly comfortable, as Rarity had selected most of the furniture and although it matched everything perfectly its primary purpose seemed to be to support constant fainting rather than for actual sitting, or in this case laying.

Despite the seating not being comfortable, the air was cool as always and the crystal as beautiful as ever. Best of all, it was rent-free.

As she was contemplating the facets overhead, Starlight suddenly felt a pinch against her chest.

“Ouch!” she cried. She looked down to see Trixie- -who was lying on her chest- -biting her. “Did you- -did you just bite me?”

“Um…” Trixie slowly lifted her head, revealing that she had in fact left tooth marks. “The Nonviolent and Definitely Not Cannibalistic Trixie may have taken a small nibble.”

“What the heck, Trixie?!”

“It’s not my fault!” cried Trixie, suddenly be coming defensive. “I can’t help it if you look like you’d be blueberry flavored! The Great and Powerful Trixie is hungry and requires sustenance!”

“I’m not blueberry flavored!”

“Actually, you kind of are.” Trixie licked her lips. “I mean, it’s some kind of berry. Or maybe grape…hey, there’s a thought. Do you ever wonder if Twilight is grape flavored, or, like, a punch or something?”

Starlight blushed profusely. “I definitely do not think about what Twilight tastes like! Even if her wings do smell like grapes…”

“I knew it!” Trixie turned back to Starlight, who she was still laying on top of. “But, hey, sorry I tasted you. If you want take a bite of me, you can. I bet I’m delicious.”

“Eew, no!”

Trixie appeared offended. “Oh, what, is it because I don’t taste like grapes?” She turned her head and licked her shoulder. Her tongue came back covered in blue hair. “GAH!” she cried. “The Great and Powerful Trixie does not taste like she expected!”

Starlight was not sure if she should laugh or probably vomit slightly. She was in the process of doing both when a piercing scream suddenly rent the air.

In a panic, Trixie flailed and fell off the couch. “Sweet Luna’s Lumps, my uncle was right!” she cried. “Licking unicorns DOES make you hallucinate! GAH!” She began to flail. Starlight levitated her off the ground and set her down on her feet.

“You’re not hallucinating, I heard it too!”

“That’s exactly what a hallucination would say! How can I be sure you’re really Starlight? How can I be sure I’M not Starlight?”

“I don’t have time for this! Somepony’s in trouble! We have to help!”

Starlight began to gallop.

“Hold yourhorses!” grumbled Trixie. “I can’t go out like this! I’m completely nude!” She grabbed her hat and cape off a rack near the door and slid them on. “Ah. Much better. Now I’m not naked.”

The two of them raced through the crystal hallways until they nearly tripped over Spike. That in and of itself was not uncommon, as he was often underfoot and neither of them tended to pay much mind to him until they were literally trampling him. In this case, though, he barely seemed to notice them. He was lying on the floor in a pool of tears- -or what Starlight hoped were tears- -and was blubbering incessantly.

“Spike, what’s wrong?” cried Starlight.

“Did you lick a unicorn?” demanded Trixie. “Because that can make you hallucinate, you know!”

“I- -I just- -” Spike let out a horrible wail and continued weeping. As he did, he started running, leaving only a newspaper behind. Starlight watched Spike go, and then picked it up. It was soggy and partially unfurled, but it was left open to a specific page near the obituaries. The whole page only contained three large words. Starlight looked at them and read them aloud.

“Rarity has died,” she read, and then gasped as she realized what it meant.

“No, no, that’s not what it says,” said Trixie, taking the paper. “It’s in all caps. It actually says ‘RARITY HAS DIED!’” Trixie paused. “Who the heck is ‘Rarity’ and why the nubs do I care?”

“Rarity, you know, one of the Mane Six? The Element of Generosity? One of Twilight’s friends? Spike’s unrequited love interest?”

Trixie stared at Starlight blankly. “Not ringing any bells.”

“She’s white. You turned her mane green once.”

“I’ve turned a lot of manes green, Star. I can’t be expected to remember all of them.”

Starlight looked at the ad again. “This must be a misprint. This page usually just has advertisements.”

“Yes,” said Trixie. “Last week it was all about a horn enlarger pump. Which didn’t work at all.” She looked up, her eyes meeting Starlight’s. “Not- -not that I would know anything about that. The Great and Powerful Trixie already has a long, hard horn and is not trying to compensate for anything…”

“We need to talk to Twilight.”

“Why? Her horn is freakishly long.”

“About this!” cried Starlight, holding up the tear-soaked paper. “Come on!”

There were only a few places where Twilight could be found in the castle. She was either in the library reading, in the throne room being royal or discussing friendship and reading with her friends, in her bedroom sleeping or reading, or in the bathroom doing bathroom reading. On this particular day, Starlight found her in the throne room, lying on the magical map in the center and staring upward at the ceiling.

“Um…Twilight?” asked Starlight.

“You saw the paper,” she said without hesitation. Her voice sounded flat and distant. A tiny holographic model of Cloudsdale drifted by her head, bumping against her horn.

“I did,” said Starlight, holding it up. “Spike was a mess, but this doesn’t make sense- -”

“It couldn’t be clearer,” said Twilight. She turned her eyes upward so that they met Starlight’s. “And the Ponyville Courant is one of the most respectable newspapers in town.”

“But this has to be a misprint!”

“Star, I know it’s hard to deal with…but it’s written in a newspaper. With words. That’s just one step below being a book. It has to be true. Rarity is…she’s…” Twilight sighed and looked up at the ceiling again. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes.

“We should at least go out and see if- -”

“Is it wrong that I knew this would happen?”

Trixie frowned. “You knew that this was going to happen? Like…a planning kind of knowing, or…”

“No. Just a consideration of multiple possibilities.” Twilight rolled on her side and poked at Griffenstone Mountain. “I was afraid of this.”

“Of Griffenstone?”

“No. Of my own mortality. Or rather my lack of it.” She looked into Starlight’s eyes. “I’m immortal…and I’ve already outlived one of my best friends. I’m going to watch them all die…I’m going to watch YOU die. Oh Celestia…I’m going to live forever. I’m going to outlive Equestria. I’ll see the destruction of society, the extinction of ponies…” She shook her head. “In half a million years I’ll be wandering a planet covered in ice and giant apple trees with a weird robot or something…”

“That’s oddly specific.”

“You don’t have to worry,” said Trixie. “The Great and Powerful Trixie is also immortal, simply due to her sheer magical force. At least you’ll have me.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.” Twilight closed her eyes. “Why didn’t Celestia warn me? Poor Rarity…but she’s just the first…I think I’m going to go stare at the infinite cosmos and lament my eternal existence. Then I’m going to read a book.”

Twilight’s horn glowed and she teleported somewhere else.

“Well,” said Trixie. “That went better than expected.”

“How was THAT better than you expected?”

“I’ve come to expect…what’s the word when you light yourself on fire?”

“Immolation?”

“That one. That happens to me a lot. This went okay by comparison.” Trixie smacked her lips. “Hey, do you have a craving for grape soda?”

“Come on,” said Starlight, grabbing Trixie.

“Come on where? Or what?”

“We’re going to go talk to Rarity to see if she actually died.”

“We’re going to talk to a dead body? Eew. Gross.”

Despite her protests, Trixie allowed herself to be pulled along in the hope that they could stop for something grape flavored along the way.

Chapter 3: Intermediate Chapter

At around the same time, the Ponyville train was grinding into its station. This in itself was not unusual: as a train, it tended to run on schedule and therefore arrived and departed the station several times a day. This day was only unique in that the train was arriving from West Equestria; specifically, Rockville. It was a location known far and wide to be populated by strange, rock-worshiping hill-ponies. Few dared to tread there, as it was a known fact that rock ponies were colored in such a way so that it was impossible to differentiate them from the landscape until it was too late.

As the train nearedthe station, Pinkie Pie stepped off. Or, rather, she fell; in her excitement, she had not waited for the train to stop, instead relying on her unusual bodily elasticity to dampen the blow. This proved to be remarkably successful, and she stood up, brushing herself off to find that she was probably completely unharmed save for internal injuries.

“Ah,” she said. “They swept the platform since the last time I was here! It’s so much less gritty!” She leaned close to the pavement. “I’m not sure how I feel about that, though. Oh well.” She shrugged. “This is a comedy anyway. It isn’t supposed to be very gritty I guess.”

She listened. Usually there would be groans in response to bad puns, but in this case, none came. Confused, Pinkie Pie looked around. Few ponies were present on the platform, but those that were present were all somber and generally dressed in black. Many of them were crying.

“Whoa,” said Pinkie. “Did somepony die?” She paused. “I sure hope it wasn’t me…”

Pinkie took a sudden step to the left. As she did, a rainbow contrail whizzed by her head, and Rainbow Dash slammed into the pavement where Pinkie had just been.

“Rainbow Dash! Hold on, before you get up, does that feel less gritty to you? I think the sidewalk is less gritty today. But more gritty than last Tuesday. On a scale of corn meal to Fluttershy’s man voice- -”

“Pinkie!” cried Rainbow Dash, sitting up suddenly. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her mane was heavily disheveled.

“Pinkie? I don’t know where that rates on the scale, Rainbow. You’re not being very helpful. But I’m going to guess somewhere between undercooked potato and Rarity as a detective.”

At the sound of Rarity’s name, Rainbow Dash froze, and tears welled in her eyes. She sniffled. “Pinkie…you didn’t hear…”

“Nope,” said Pinkie, cheerfully. “I told you. I had to go back home. My dad broke his legs again. And he can’t go to a doctor for something like that- -you know what those horse doctors do when you have broken legs- -so we had to resort to the family healing tradition. Meaning he had to get stoned. Oh mane, Rainbow, dad got so stoned, you should have seen him! Then mom got stoned too for the heck of it. I even got pretty stoned myself. I still have bruises. Want to see?”

“Pinkie! For Celestia’s sake, just shut your pie hole for ONE MINUTE!”

“Okay…” Pinkie paused. “Which one is the ‘pie hole’ again?”

Rainbow Dash immediately flew into an extremely short-lived rage, but it only collapsed into desperate sadness after a few seconds. By this time, Pinkie was beginning to realize that something was wrong.

“Pinkie…it’s Rarity…”

“What about Rarity? Did she want to get stoned too? I don’t think that’s a good idea. She bruises like a banana.”

“Pinkie! She’s…she’s dead!”

Pinkie stared for a moment. Then she giggled compulsively. “Ha. Ha. That’s a funny joke, Rainbow. An extremely insensitive, horrible, funny joke. Rarity can’t die. She’s a main character.”

“Look!” Rainbow Dash shoved a newspaper into Pinkie Pie’s face.

Pinkie Pie took the paper and read the page it was open to. “Rarity has died,” she read. “Oh. And it’s in all caps…that’s not good…”

“Not good? NOT GOOD?! Pinkie, it’s Rarity, and she- -she didn’t even!” Rainbow Dash covered her eyes as tears started to stream down her face. “I’m not crying! I’M NOT CRYING! Stop looking at me!”

“O…kay?”

“I- -I have to go, Pinkie! I just wanted to make sure you knew, but I- -I have important things to do- -”

She picked herself up and flew away at great speed, leaving a rainbow contrail as well as a distant scent of strong cider. Pinkie Pie watched her go, and then looked down at the newspaper she had been given.

“Comic sans,” she said. “All caps. This can only mean one thing. Poor Rainbow. She doesn’t even realize…”

Pinkie Pie threw down the paper and walked swiftly across the station platform. She had understood the true meaning of the advertisement in the way that she was sure it was meant to be interpreted- -and she would need backup in order to crack the case.

Chapter 4: Fluttershy’s House

It only took a matter of seconds for Rainbow Dash to cross Ponyville, leaving a path of tears along the way. Crossing from the train station to the largely unpopulated outskirts of town was a trivial task for her, and in seconds she arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage.

Rainbow Dash wiped her eyes and tried to put on a strong face. It was her duty to explain the news to all of her friends, and with Fluttershy, she knew it would be especially important to be as sensitive as possible about it. That was hard, though; Rainbow Dash was barely holding herself together herself, and the news would probably shatter Fluttershy completely. But it had to be done.

“Fluttershy?” choked Rainbow Dash. She knocked hard on Fluttershy’s door. “Fluttershy, it’s me, Rainbow Dash!”

The door immediately opened and Rainbow Dash was struck by a hot blast of air that smelled exactly like one would expect from a house were numerous wild and domestic animals were kept. She had already been choking on her profound sadness, but the smell made her choke worse. It was apparent from the pungency of the aroma that Fluttershy had adopted a few additional cats.

Fluttershy appeared in the door. Rainbow Dash looked her in the eye. “F…Fluttershy. It’s Rarity, she- -”

“She died. I know. I read the paper before I chop it up for bedding.” Fluttershy stepped back and opened the door farther. “Please come in, if you don’t mind. You look like you could use some tea.”

“I could use some more cider,” grumbled Rainbow Dash as she stumbled into the cottage. “Tea doesn’t help me deal with my problems.”

“If you don’t mind me saying, neither does the cider.” Fluttershy pushed the door closed, and then locked the numerous deadbolts that lined it.

“Sit,” she said, pointing to her couch. Rainbow Dash looked at it and watched as a number of mice, rats, and at least one nutria scurried away from the seat, taking their game of cards with them. Rainbow Dash then did as she was told. She had known Fluttershy long enough to know that it was a bad idea to disobey her.

Fluttershy approached and sat down as well. As she did, a large bear approached. Rainbow Dash recoiled slightly, but the bear lowered a tray filled with tea.

“Thank you so much, Harry,” said Fluttershy, taking a cup. She stared at Rainbow Dash, waiting for her to do the same, and Rainbow Dash did. Harry then nodded and departed.

“So…is he you’re butler or something?”

“No. He’s a bear.”

“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.” They both sipped their tea. Rainbow Dash almost gagged. She despised tea. It tasted like leaves, and not the good kind. What bothered Rainbow Dash more, though, was that Fluttershy’s disposition seemed to be completely ordinary.

“You’re not very torn up about this.”

“About Rarity dying? No. Why would I be?”

Rainbow Dash gaped. “Because she’s our friend! Or- -or was…and now…she’s dead…”

“Yes. That happens. Only alicorns live forever, Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy sipped her tea. “Huh. I suppose that will make things hard for Twilight. I think I’ll have to write her a nice card before I go.”

“How the heck are you so calm!? Aren’t you supposed to be the Element of Kindness or something?!” cried Rainbow Dash, nearly spilling her tea. She stood up, prepared to start a tirade or perhaps a rant, but Fluttershy turned her cold blue eyes toward her and Rainbow Dash immediately froze.

“I am calm because this is natural. Rainbow, do you know how long animals live for?”

Rainbow Dash paused, thinking it was an odd question. “Um…no…”

“The answer is not very long.” Fluttershy sighed and looked to her hordes of familiars who had gathered around her to watch the conversation unfold. “A dog gets at best fifteen years, a cat twenty. A new-world mouse? Five. An old-world mouse only gets two. Some butterflies only last a matter of days.” Fluttershy’s eyes met Rainbow Dash’s. “And the lifespan of a pony is almost a hundred years. Longer for unicorns. Much longer for Tartarans…”

“Where the heck did you meat a Tartaran?”

Fluttershy did not answer. She looked at her animal friends. “I have presided over the births and deaths of many generations of dear friends. Death is not new to me, or the sadness that comes with it. But it’s part of the cycle. And that doesn’t even take into consideration obligate carnivores.”

“Obligate…what?”

“Such as cats. Cats cannot survive on a vegetarian diet. And I have to feed my cats. But that’s not the point.”

“Then…what is?”

“The point is that the only way to control death is to be the one who brings it.”

Rainbow Dash laughed awkwardly, and she looked to the door, immediately wondering why Fluttershy had so many deadbolts and chains- -and why she had taken the time to close them all.

“Drink your tea,” said Fluttershy. “I mean, if you want to. It will get cold.”

“O…okay…” Rainbow Dash did as she was told, or at least pretended to.

“Rainbow,” said Fluttershy. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m sad. But if Rarity was anything like me…” She sighed. “Even though I know she wasn’t. She was pretty and well-loved, and smelled nice. But if she was even a little tiny bit like me, she was ready for it.”

“How can you say that? Fluttershy, nobody’s ready for it!”

“I am!” She stared unblinkingly at Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash had never felt so uncomfortable talking to Fluttershy before; this conversation was turning out to be a lot more disturbing than she had anticipated. “Every day when I wake up, I take precautions. In case I get out of bed wrong and break all my legs and starve to death on my floor. Or trip over a feed bucket and snap my neck. Or if the wind closes my door on my torso and I bleed to death internally. When I go outside, I’m always careful not to fall into holes hidden in the grass. And then there’s the possibility I could get ponynapped by brigands and sold into slavery or as sausage for griffons. I could cut my hoof on a piece of paper and bleed to death. Or end up going down the drain with the bathwater. I’m prepared, Rainbow! Every single CELESTIA-DARNED DAY!” She gasped. “Oops! Oh my! I got carried away! Please forgive my language!”

“Not…not a problem…”

“But either way, I’m prepared. And I’m okay with it. That’s why I have them.” Fluttershy gestured upward, and Rainbow Dash looked to where she was pointing- -only to see a horde of vultures and crows staring hungrily back at her.

“Were those always there?” she squeaked.

“Like I said. I have to be ready. Because the whole world and everypony in it is trying to kill me. Why, if it weren’t for friends like you I’d probably never leave my house. It’s just so scary out there.”

“Yeah…out there…”

“But I actually wanted to talk to you. I can tell this is affecting you. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I just wanted to let you know. I- -I need to get going. Back to work and all.”

“Which is Rainbow Dash for ‘I’m too tough to grieve over my best friend dying’.”

“I didn’t say that! And she isn’t- -w…wasn’t- -my BEST friend!”

“Rainbow, we’re all best friends. All six of us. Well, five now.”

“I know, I just…” Rainbow Dash shook her head violently, trying to clear the thoughts from it. “I don’t know. I just feel…bad.”

“Which is understandable and natural. Go on?”

“It’s like, every time I think about her I get sad. Really, really sad. I mean, don’t get me wrong. She was a jerk sometimes. Self-centered, overly demanding, annoying, arrogant, ridiculously prissy…and really, really pretty…” Rainbow Dash sniffled, and Fluttershy looked somewhat confused.

“I guess that is a way to describe her?” she suggested. “Um, not the BEST one, but…”

“I mean, I didn’t even like her that much. If it hadn’t been for Twilight I’d probably never even have talked to her. But there’s just something about her…like, there was something I always felt but never really said. I didn’t think I’d ever have to. I didn’t WANT to. Didn’t want to give her the darn satisfaction…but now…now I’ll never get the chance!”

Rainbow Dash burst into tears. Since there was nothing more pitiful than watching a Pegasus cry- -something Fluttershy knew well, as she spent almost as much time crying as she did planning to avert her impending demise- -Fluttershy set down her tea and hugged Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash, now bawling, hugged her back with so much force that she released a compression squeak.

This continued long past the time at which it began to become awkward, but Fluttershy understood that this was important. After a few minutes, she was soaked in tears- -again, not unusual for her but this time different in that they were not hers- -and Rainbow Dash’s wailing had been reduced to simple sobbing. Fluttershy assumed that was a good sign; she was either recovering or had broken completely.

Rainbow Dash looked up at Fluttershy. “F…Fluttershy?”

“Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

Without warning, Rainbow Dash puckered her lips and leaned in toward Fluttershy. Decades of work with venomous snakes immediately kicked in, and Fluttershy reflexively blocked Rainbow Dash by putting a hoof on her forehead.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Um…” Rainbow Dash blushed heavily. “Well, you were comforting me, so I thought…you know…”

“You were going in for a kiss.”

“Well…yeah…”

“No.”

“But- -”

“NO.”

“Fluttershy, come on- -”

“No means no, Rainbow Dash. Don’t make me beat you.”

Fluttershy stood up. Rainbow Dash sat back and sniffled, crossing her front legs in annoyance. “You couldn’t take me.”

“That’s kind of the point. But you wouldn’t be able to fight back. I mean, I’m Fluttershy. Do you really think you could hit me?”

Rainbow Dash frowned, but then sighed. “No. Darn it, when did you get this assertive?”

“I’ve been taking lessons. And I’ll let this one slide just this once because you’re really sad and also full of cider. But here. This might help.” Fluttershy picked up a heavyset beaver and set it on Rainbow Dash’s lap. “Try hugging it. Hugging a furry friend always makes me feel better. I think it will help you too.”

Rainbow Dash looked down at the beaver, and it spread its arms for a hug. Rainbow Dash groaned. “Fluttershy, I can’t kiss a beaver.” She paused. “Or can I…”

“Then maybe a goat?” Fluttershy pointed to one of several that wandered the inside of her house.”

“Eew! I can’t make out with a goat either!”

“Why not? I have.”

“I- -” Rainbow Dash nearly dropped her beaver. “Wait, what?!”

“Come on. Who hasn’t? They’re almost ponies.”

“No they’re not!”

“Don’t yell, you’ll agitate the Bruno!” Fluttershy pointed at the beaver. “Besides! I’m not the only one! Big Mac is literally dating a sheep! Which I guess is better than the alternative.”

“The alternative? What’s that?” Rainbow Dash hugged Bruno the beaver. “Beavers?”

“No. Dating Applejack.”

Chapter 5: Digging Holes

Applejack shivered. “Whoa,” she said to herself, setting down the several baskets of apples and various apple-like objects she was carrying. “Sompeony’s talking about me…and I don’t think I none too like what they’re sayin’, whatever it is…”

She shook her head and dismissed it, although she felt dirty for some reason. That in and of itself was not unusual; she worked on a farm and bathed only slightly more often than Rainbow Dash.

Fortunately, her day was not entirely ruined by it. The weather was excellent, and the numerous trees on her family’s seemingly endless orchard property were full of apples in need of harvesting. There was plenty of work to do, and the futility of it all brought Applejack some modicum of joy. Apples were literally her life; without them, she would only be named ‘Jack’, and that was not a good name for a female pony.

Still, a break was not out of the question. Applejack set her apples down in the barn and then went around to the back. A refrigeration unit had recently been installed there, thanks to increased demand from the international changeling market. They apparently demanded food that was prepared with love, and Applejack’s apples certainly met the qualifications.

Several hooks near the entrance to the unit held thermal jackets; one of the four was already missing. Applejack took one of the others and slid it on, and then opened the door with her teeth. Cold air blew by, and she shivered again before entering and closing the door behind her.

Two ponies stood inside. One, dressed in the missing jacket, was quite clearly Big Macintosh. The other was Rarity, dressed in a fluffy parka that only covered her upper body. She was examining several chilled apples on the walk-in’s table, comparing them carefully.

“Big Mac,” said Applejack. “What are you doing in here? Aren’t you supposed to be handling the deliveries today? Gosh darn it, do I have to do everything myself?”

“Eeeyup…I mean eeenope…I mean…”

“Darling, there’s no need to be so hard on him,” said Rarity, eying a particularly plump red delicious with a jewel’s loupe. “He’s helping me shop for produce.”

“So that’s what you’re calling it.” Applejack glared at Big Mac, who blushed slightly. “You know, Rarity, I’m not even supposed to let you in here for sake of liability issues. I could end up in pony court for this.”

“Darling, you’re overreacting. Besides, you could always elect for trial by ordeal. The last few times sompony did Twilight was very lenient.”

“Still. Why are you even in here, anyway? I’ve got thousands of apples outside.”

“Eeyup,” agreed Big Mac.

“Because I require a specimen that has been aged absolutely perfectly under just the right conditions.”

“Well I could get you for one. These are jam apples, I know them better than anypony.”

“No one doubts your unnervingly intimate knowledge of apples. But your knowledge of perfume is sorely lacking.”

“Wait a minute. Are you saying I smell?”

“No, no, darling, certainly not! Well, not any worse than Big Macintosh. Or a very old cider press. Which isn’t a bad thing! Well, it you were a stallion it wouldn’t be…” Rarity paused. “Hmm…you actually wouldn’t make a bad stallion. Have you ever considered suit jackets? And maybe cravats…oh my, yes, cravats indeed…”

“When I wear clothes I wear dresses,” protested Applejack, putting her hoof down.

“Yes. As does Big Mac, apparently.”

“Eeeyu- -hey wait a minute- -”

“Applejack, I really am grateful. I just need a few more minutes. I absolutely NEED a correct perfume. And I need the perfect ingredients to finish the correct balance of the undernote!” Rarity’s voice rose to a whine as she finished her sentence. Applejack found it infuriating, but yet was unable to resist it every single time Rarity used that tone. She rolled her eyes.

“I don’t see why you just don’t use the apples whole. That’s what I do. Apples should be the overnote.”

“Because I don’t want to smell like a pie. Fruity balancing a light earthy musk beneath a complex spicy-floral overtone. ‘Overnote’ is not a thing. Here. This is what I have so far.” Rarity produced a vial from her parka and before Applejack could stop her she popped open the cork and held it under Applejack’s nose.

Applejack gagged at the smell and nearly spilled her applesauce.

“Sweet Celestia on a horse!” she gasped, covering her nose as her eyes started to water. “Why in the name of hot-buttered Cadence would you want to smell like THAT?!”

“Well. I assure you, this is a fashionable scent! I’m sure to turn heads at the ball with this!”

“More like turn stomachs! Close it, before you stink up my whole cold room.”

Rarity closed the bottle.

“I liked it,” said Big Mac.

“You would,” grumbled Applejack. She proceeded toward the door. “I’m going back to work. Hopefully apples make that actually smell, you know, good. Take as many as you need.”

“Thank you, Applejack. And they call me the Element of Generosity.”

Applejack reached for the handle to the room and paused. “And don’t stay in here too long! With your rump hanging out like that, you’ll get a cold for sure!”

“That isn’t how colds work, darling. I’ll be fine. And trust me, when the perfume is complete, I’ll be sure to share some.”

“Great. I go out of my way to help and you start threatening me.” Applejack opened the door and shut it behind her, closing out Rarity’s subtle and highly controlled laughter behind her. She then hung up her coat and went back to the fields, pausingfor a moment to smell under her front legs only to realize that she did in fact smell almost exactly like Big Mac.

As Applejack left the cold room on the western side her orchard, Starlight and Trixie had just crossed into the east. Starlight, who had the greater sense of direction of the two- -meaning at least ninety percent of it- -was leading the way. Trixie was following behind her, munching on an apple that she had levitated down from one of the trees.

“Trixie! Stop eating that!”

“Why?” Trixie looked at the apple, and then at Starlight. “Are you calling Trixie fat?”

“No, I’m saying that it’s not yours!”

“Oh. Well it is now. I even picked it! So much for customer service.”

“You have to pay for those!”

“No I don’t. I’m basically a member of the royal court. Because, you know, I live in Twilight’s yard. I think that makes me at least a duke…”

“It would be a duchess. And it doesn’t work that way.”

“Of course it does. And duchess makes me sound fat. I’m totally a duke.” She held up the apple. “So this is taxation.”

“In the court of an alicorn, it would technically be a tithe.”

“Wait, like the pointy communist thing?” Trixie looked at the apple again. She whispered to herself. “Am I a communist?”

“One, you’re thinking a scythe, and you’re confusing it with a sickle. Two, you’re not a communist.”

“How would you know?”

“Because I was one. Trust me, I can recognize them when I see them.”

“Oh. Well that’s a relief.” Trixie took another bite of the apple and, having finished it, threw the core away. She promptly picked another and began to munch it. “So. Where are we, anyway?”

“Sweet Apple Acres. It’s where Applejack lives?”

“Wait. Applejack lives on an apple farm?”

“Um…yes?”

“Well that’s just a weird coincidence. That would be like me being named Magic-y or something.”

“Your name is Trixie.”

“I am aware of this. So?”

Starlight shook her head. “Never mind. We need to find Applejack.”

“Why?”

“Because out of all of them she’s closest to Rarity. It’s like a weird love triangle with Rainbow Dash, but none of them actually know about it.”

“Trixie wants a love triangle. Do you think we could get Twilight in on this?”

“No. Because that would be weird.”

“Trixie would also settle for Fluttershy. Even if she kind of creeps me out.”

“Like I said. NO.”

“Fine,” groaned Trixie. She finished the apple and took another. “You know, speaking of kinky stuff, you know what I’ve heard about the Apple family?”

“Apparently not that they raise apples.”

“Trixie can’t be expected to remember everything! No. I’ve heard they come out here at night and…you know…buck the trees.”

“They do it during the day too. It’s how they get the apples down.”

Trixie looked at her apple aghast and then threw it away. “Eew.” She then looked around the orchard. “So, if I look hard enough, I could see Big Mac bucking trees?”’

“Probably.”

“Because he’s kind of hot.”

“He’s one of the only stallions in a fifty mile radius.”

“So?”

“So it’s an illusion. It’s relative.”

“Eew! So bucking trees wasn’t bad enough, now relatives, too? No wonder Applejack is always so angry around me…”

Applejack shivered again, this time harder. “Luna’s tiny hips,” she whispered. “What the buck is going on today?”

She paused from her work, setting down her shovel. Digging without magic or hands was extremely difficult, but it was absolutely necessary. Sweet Apple Acres would be receiving three rare heirloom trees from Appleoosa by the end of the week, and Applejack needed to prepare their new homes. She had picked a dry, brightly lit spot and had already managed to dig one large, deep hole for one of the new arrivals.

As Applejack took a step back to examine the depth and shape of the hole, she noticed two ponies coming up the path toward her. She squinted, and realized that the pair of them were Cheerilee and Mrs. Cake, the latter of whom seemed to have brought baked goods. This confused Applejack; Cheerilee’s presence usually indicated that Applebloom had probably done something unfortunate at school again- -likely due to Scootaloo’s bad influence- -but Mrs. Cake rarely came to visit, especially after her twins had been born. The pair of them seemed oddly somber.

“Hey there,” she said, approaching the pair of mares and suddenly becoming self-conscious of her odor. “I haven’t seen either of you in a while. What are you needing today?” Applejack looked at Cheerilee. “Did Applebloom do something again? Because if there’s one more fire- -”

“No, no, Applebloom is fine,” said Cheerilee quickly. She did not seem to have her usual cheer, and Applejack was beginning to grow suspicious. Her apple-sense was tingling, and she could not help but have a strange suspicion that somewhere, somehow, somepony was eating her apples without paying for them first.

“We came to see how you were doing,” said Mrs. Cake. “After…well…you know…”

Applejack paused again, then turned to Cheerilee again. “Are you sure there wasn’t a fire?”

“It’s about Rarity,” said Cheerilee. “We heard about how she had…died. And we wanted to check on you. We know you were close.”

“What? Close? I guess. Sure.” Applejack was somewhat confused, but instantly realized what they were talking about. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, how she dyed. I guess it’s a little severe, but it doesn’t bother me that much.” Applejack shrugged. “I mean, we all knew it was going to happen eventually. With her, sooner than later.”

Mrs. Cake and Cheerilee looked at each other. “That’s…one way to look at it,” said Mrs. Cake, trying to smile.

“A terrible way to look at it,” muttered Cheerilee, only to be elbowed by Mrs. Cake. She cleared her throat. “So…you read the paper?”

“What? No, I can’t afford it. Too busy. I was there.”

“Wait, what?” cried Cheerilee.

“Yeah. To be honest? I it was darn boring. I was sort of expecting it to be at least a little interesting. But nope. Just really slow and painful.”

“I- -I’m sorry, I didn’t know- -”

Applejack shrugged again. “It’s fine. Not like I could do anything. Rarity really had her mind set on dyeing, and who was I to stop her?”

Cheerilee and Mrs. Cake both gasped. “Wait- -you mean- -she did it to herself?!”

“Well I certainly didn’t do it if that’s what you mean!”

“No- -that isn’t what I meant- -it’s just that- -you didn’t try to stop her? You just sat there and…and watched?!”

“Pretty much. But like I said. Rarity dyeing doesn’t really bother me. If she wanted to, it’s her business. It was just inconvenient and all, waiting there for her to finish up. Like it was going to take here to Celestia Come. And worse, how darn messy it was…”

Mrs. Cake looked faint. “M…messy?”

“Yeah. I didn’t even notice it until I got home. She got some splatter on me.” Applejack pointed at her flank, where the orange of her coat had been stained dark red. On seeing the red flecks, Cheerilee went pale and took several steps back. Mrs. Cake just swooned, nearly dropping the confections she had brought.

“That’s…that’s…”

“Who knew dyeing was so darn messy,” sighed Applejack. “But oh well. I’m getting pretty dirty already today, diggin’ this here hole…” She gestured to the deep, rocky hole behind her. Cheerilee and Mrs. Cake stared at it aghast. Applejack supposed she understood; it was an excellent hole, if she did say so herself.

“You know what?” she said, picking up her shovel and taking several steps toward both of them as they took several steps back. “Do you want to see?”

“See what?” squeaked Cheerilee, weakly.

“Rarity. She’s out in my walk-in refrigerator. But you’ll have to hurry before she stinks the whole place up.”

“NO!” Mrs. Cake and Cheerilee both cried out in unison and looked around in panic.

“Suit yourselves,” said Applejack. “But if you want to talk, we can go back to the house. I have some apple juice. I’ll be there in a bit.” She looked over her shoulder. “It looks like I’ve got to dig another two holes…”

As she turned around, though, she found that both Cheerilee and Mrs. Cake had departed with extreme speed, the latter having left behind a cake. Applejack was somewhat surprised that Mrs. Cake could move so quickly, as she was comparatively short and squat.

“What the heck,” she said, lifting her hat and scratching her head. “What’s gotten into everypony? Dang it, if I dyed I don’t even think anypony would bother to notice.”

Applejack sighed and began digging the next hole, the whole while having a curious feeling that she was being watched.

Across the way, obscured by apple trees, Starlight was watching.

“Celestia’s solar rump,” she swore to herself. “Now it all makes sense. It’s all a pun. A really bad one, too.” She turned to Trixie. “Rarity must have dyed her mane. Whoever printed it in the paper spelled ‘died’ instead of ‘dyed’. It’s a homophone. Now everypony thinks she’s dead. This is just ridiculous. And I thought my followers were stupid…”

Starlight suddenly realized that she was talking to herself. She looked around and saw Trixie lying on the ground, holding her stomach and moaning.

“Ohhh….” she groaned. “The Slightly Gluttonous and Severely Nauseated Trixie ate too many apples…”

“I told you. How many did you have?”

“Five,” she said. Starlight raised an eyebrow. “…ty.”

Starlight’s eyes widened. “You ate fifty apples? Trixie, we’ve only been here less than fifteen minutes!”

“Trixie cannot help herself! You should have stopped me! Ohhh…the first sixty or so were really good, but the last few tasted really bad…”

Starlight looked at the ground beside Trixie and saw several red, half-eaten objects lying beside her. They were clearly not apples. “Trixie! Those are repellent balls! Applejack puts them in the trees to keep fruit flies away!”

“Well that explains why they tasted like foam rubber…and poison…”

“Trixie. Did you eat anything else that you shouldn’t have?”

“No. What do you take Trixie for, an idio- -” Trixie suddenly burped, and as she did a strawberry fruit bat flew out of her mouth and ascended into the trees above. Starlight and Trixie both watched it go.

“Right,” said Starlight. “We have to tell Twilight that Rarity’s not dead. But first we have to get to a hospital before you are. Come on. We’ve got to get your stomach pumped. Again.”

Trixie allowed Starlight to lift her up. “Ohhh…but Trixie doesn’t have insurance…or very much self-control…”

“I’ll comp it as a tithe. Can’t do anything about the self-control though. Come on.”

Chapter 6: Blackmareing

A knock came at the door. Lyra Heartstrings hummed as she approached it, surprised that anypony was coming this late. The sun had just started to set, and usually most ponies had gone home by this time of day. Still, Lyra enjoyed company, so she hummed gladly to herself as she opened the door.

No one was there. Lyra looked around for a moment, confused, when she felt a hoof slowly slide around her body.

“Heeeey,” whispered Pinkie Pie, pulling her close.

“P- -Pinkie!” squeaked Lyra, her body suddenly freezing. “How did you get in my house?!”

“You opened the door, silly! And you don’t lock your windows.” She giggled. “You’re almost as bad as Twilight!”

“Pinkie,” called a much more stern voice from the darkness of the inside of the house. Bon Bon appeared from the shadows. “Get your hoofs off her. She doesn’t like to be touched.”

“Bon Bon! Just the pony I was looking for! Not that you’re hard to find. I’m pretty sure I saw you, like, twenty times in the background before I got here.”

“What do you want, Pinkie?”

Pinkie squeezed Lyra tighter. Lyra whimpered. “I’m working on a project. And I need your help.”

“Not interested.” Bon Bon stepped forward, and moved her hoof covertly under and end table.

“If you’re looking for the crossbows you stashed all over the place, I removed them.” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Somepony could get hurt, you know…”

Bon Bon’s expression changed only slightly, but Pinkie Pie recognized the slight twitch. Although she had been born pink, she was a rock pony at heart. She could smell fear. “You read the paper. I know you do, because who doesn’t? Apart from Applejack. Because I’m not actually sure if she CAN read. Because, you know, farm.”

“You grew up on a farm.”

“And I can’t read a lick. Have you ever tried to read a lick? It’s not easy. But I’ve licked a reed, if that counts.” Pinkie shook her head suddenly, causing Lyra to quiver. “But that’s not the point. It’s Rarity.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s unfortunate. Now get out of our house.”

“It’s a lie.”

“What?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “It has to be. Full page makes sense, but Rarity’s obituary would be a LOT longer. And not in comic sans. I should know. I wrote her one already. When I planned her funeral.”

“You…you planned your friend’s funeral?” peeped Lyra.

Pinkie Pie laughed. “Oh, silly, I plan ALL my friends’ funerals! It’s one of the most important parties of them ALL! I’ve planned Applejack’s, Fluttershy’s, Rainbow Dash’s…and Twilight’s, but I’m pretty sure she’s immortal now, so I guess that doesn’t help. I’ve planned both of your funerals, actually. Aw, heck, I’ve even planned MY OWN! There will be CAKE! And I’ll get the old False Dimitri treatment out of a party cannon…”

“Bon Bon!”

“So you think she isn’t dead,” said Bon Bon, calmly.

“Of course not, silly! She’s obviously faking her own death! Maybe somepony’s after her! Or maybe she got deformed in some freak dressmaking accident! Or maybe they just want us to think she’s dead…”

“They?” asked Lyra.

“THEY!” cried Pinkie, causing Lyra to cringe and quiver.

“And how are we supposed to help you? We have nothing to do with this.”

“Well, you’re a secret agent, aren’t you?”

“I’m not going to confirm that.”

“…and Lyra is a descendent of an ancient order of anti-Celestial techno-knights…”

Bon Bon’s eyes widened. “Wait a second- -Lyra, what the heck? Is that true?!”

Lyra’s eyes suddenly went wide. “Um…”

“Lyra, tell me the truth!”

“I- -uh- -Bon Bon, I mean- -” Lyra blinked. “You know all those fancy sugar cubes you hid and didn’t think I knew about? The ones with the rose petals in each one? Yeah. I ate them. All of them.”

“LYRA! I was saving those!”

“See! You’re perfect!” Pinkie squeezed Lyra again. “So are you two going to help me figure out this case?”

“No,” said Bon Bon. “Now get out before I have to throw you out. I have to have a talk with Lyra about eating my food.”

Pinkie Pie sighed. “I thought you might say that. But you can’t really refuse. My friend’s life is in danger. So…I’m going to have to blackmare you.”

“Go ahead and try. You don’t have anything on us.”

“Oh, I think I do.” Pinkie Pie produced a metal pail. Lyra looked into it and gasped. It was filled completely with indelible black ink, and the handle of a paint brush was protruding from the opaque fluid.

“You- -you wouldn’t!”

“Oh, I would.” Pinkie Pie giggled and leaned in close, holding Lyra’s face near to her own as she gave a horrible toothy smile. “You’re going to help me, or…” she poked at the brush. “…I’m going to blackmare you. You’ll look like a bad OC by the time I’m done with you! Teehee!”

“But- -but- -I’m pretty teal! I can’t be black! It doesn’t suit my personalityyyy!” Lyra began to sob. Pinkie Pie only laughed.

“So you’re going to help me, then?” she said, leaning in closer. “Because I won’t do it right now. I’ll wait. When you’re sleeping, or on the toilet, or when you least expect it. Don’t try to run. No matter how far you go, I’ll be there, waiting. I’ll track your delicious…minty…smellllll…” Pinkie Pie leaned in close and licked Lyra’s neck. Lyra began to weep outright.

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to be dramatic. Fine, even if it’s just to humor you. It’s not like I had much else going on.”

“But- -we were going- -to go- -bench sitting!” sobbed Lyra.

“We can still do that. And I kind of prefer being eggshell.”

“Excellent!” said Pinkie, releasing Lyra and stepping into the middle of the floor. She stuck out her tongue and began to wipe some of the teal hairs free from it. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be unconscious now. Because I can hear smells. Trixie was right…”

Pinkie Pie collapsed onto the floor and began to convulse. Bon Bon just smiled and shook her head.

“Ha. I remember the first time I licked a unicorn. Suck it up, Pinkie.” She poked at Pinkie’s head and then looked at Lyra. Bon Bon frowned. “I can’t believe you ate my sugar cubes. Dang it, I might blackmare you myself I’m so peeved!”

“Can you do stripes?” asked Lyra. “I’d be like a zebra.” She paused. “Wait. Is that racist?”

“Probably. But we can find out later. I’ve got to go find my spy stuff right now.”

“And I’ll go get my power armo- -I mean my…um…hat.” She looked down at Pinkie, who was foaming at the mouth and whispering in tongues. “And some physostigmine before she, you know…dies.”

“Yeah,” sighed Bon Bon. “I don’t even know which direction Poland is from here.”

Chapter 7: Fresh Herbal Tea

Night had begun to fall, casting Ponyville in twilight. The shadows grew long and eventually faded and grayed to nothingness as the sun finally set. The moon had already risen previously; apparently, Luna was impatient on this particular night.

Many of the stores throughout Ponyville had closed, but Rarity still made her way through the street. Her mane was covered, of course- -she did not want to shock anypony, after all, or to cause some sort of panic- -and, much to her chagrin, Applejack had been right. She had spent too much time in the refrigerated room preparing her perfume. The perfume had, as anticipated, come out splendidly- -but Rarity had also developed a severe cold in the process.

This simply would not do. The charity ball was in just over a day, and there was no way she could attend it properly while sick. Canceling was out of the question. The solution she had come up with, therefore, was to attempt to rest with some herbal tea to try to recover faster. Despite her growing fever, she desperately needed to acquire the appropriate tea, as she was currently out.

The streets grew darker and darker, and Rarity could feel her nose growing increasingly irritated. When she had nearly reached the tea store, she was suddenly overcome by a fit of sneezing. Since every sneeze needed to be perfectly crafted to be as elegant and mannered as possible, Rarity was so busy concentrating on them that she did not notice a large open hole in front of her. She stepped over the edge and fell directly in, immediately finding herself up to her neck in mud.

It was just as Fluttershy had warned her. In her surprise and panic, Rarity flailed about and attempted to swim to the other side. Then she dragged herself out, only to find that her perfectly clean coat had been stained with dirt, grime, and moisture.

Upon seeing this, Rarity gasped and launched into a tirade of the most unladylike language possible. She called upon the rumps, hips, and beards of every Princess known to ponies- -Twilight included. The insults and foul language would have continued for the better part of a half hour had Rarity’s voice not suddenly given out into a low croak. Her eyes widened as she fell silent. She had been afflicted by one of the most ironic medical condition that a pony could experience, second only to the trots: she had gone hoarse.

Tears welled in her eyes, and Rarity nearly collapsed there by the side of the road. The only thing that kept her from running away into the night was the knowledge that now that she had lost her voice the tea was an absolute necessity. The only thing that let her keep her resolve was the thought of sipping the warm liquid while sitting in an equally warm bath until she was clean and no longer feverish.

So, she continued down the block, despite the fact that she was beginning to wobble from stress and sickness, and that she was covered in dirt and mud. As horrendous as appearing in public like this seemed to her, the idea of missing such an important ball because of her own error was far more repugnant.

It was not a distant walk, but it went slowly. Rarity had hurt one of her knees as she had fallen in the hole, so she had to move with an unfortunate limp- -but she did eventually make it to the tea shop. To her great fortune, it was still open. When Rarity pushed through the door, she saw that Jasmine Leaf was just sweeping up for the end of the day. Despite this, she still smiled and trotted toward the entrance.

“Hello there!” she said as she passed the shelves. “I was just getting ready to go home, but if you’re here this late it must be a tea emergency! Are you looking for anything in particular, or maybe you need some chamomile- -”

She stopped when she saw Rarity closely. Jasmine Leaf was normally a rather unfortunate purple color that roughly matched either Twilight or Cheerilee. When she saw Rarity, however, her shade lightened almost to a Starlight or even Berry Punch.

Rarity stood there, covered in earth, swaying from her growing fever. She stared across the room with bloodshot, squinting eyes. Jasmine Leaf’s eyes widened and she took a step back as Rarity took a swaying step forward.

“Tea…” groaned Rarity. Having lost her voice, though, it just came out as a hiss. She paused, severely embarrassed, and tried to speak louder. Her next request indeed had the necessary volume, but it had lost any semblance of a real word; instead, it was like a nearly silent scream.

“N- -no! You can’t be here!” cried Jasmine Leaf, backing away. “I read the paper! You- -you’re- -”

“I’m sorry for coming so late. But I’m in desperate need of some Echinacea tea…” That was what Rarity attempted to say, at least. Instead, it came out as a growling hiss. Jasmine Leaf continued to back away. Rarity started to limp toward her; there was no way she could be heard unless she was closer.

Jasmine Leaf continued to try to escape until her rump touched one of the shelves behind her and she was forced to stop. By this time she was crying.

“Tea?” asked Rarity.

“Z- -z- -ZOMBIE!”

Jasmine Leaf suddenly burst into a sprint, pushing past Rarity and leaving behind only a puddle, hopefully of tears. She ran so haphazardly that she bumped into a wall, nearly knocking herself unconscious, before she managed to escape the shop entirely. Rarity watched her go, not understanding at all what the matter was.

“Well, I never,” she whispered. She reached up with her magic and took a box of the necessary tea off the shelve. “If I didn’t know better I would think she’s been smoking her tea instead of drinking it.”

Rarity then left in a huff, stealing the tea in the process.

Chapter 9: Investigation

Slowly, Time Turner regained consciousness. Doing so was not pleasant, as waking up came with an extreme pain in the side of his head. He distantly remembered having been hit by something. A memory slowly came back to him of walking through the local park when he came upon a large stack of rocks- -and then blackness.

“Blimey,” he said, shaking his head. He tried to lift his hooves to his head, but found that he could not. Bemusement came over him, then surprise- -and finally fear as he realized that he had been tied to a chair.

A blinding light suddenly appeared in front of him, and he squinted.

“Who’s there?” he called, his voice quavering.

A giggle came from somewhere past the light. “Time Turner,” said a vaguely familiar voice. “You weren’t exactly easy to catch. And just so you know, I missed a witch burning to be here. And you know how much I love a good witch burning. I had some really good zingers prepared. But this is more important.”

“I- -I don’t know who you are. I can’t see anything! And I seem to be tied to a chair. It is certainly not the first time, but I’m a tad dumbstruck as to how this situation came about- -”

The light shifted slightly, and the face of a mare appeared in the glow. When he realized that it was Pinkie Pie, Time Turner realized that he was, as they said in the Crystal Empire- -usually concerning Shining Armor- -royally screwed. This situation had indeed taken a turn for the worse.

“I ask the questions here, wise guy!”

“But I didn’t ask- -”

“I ASK THE QUESTIONS! I’M THE PSYCHOLOGIST HERE!”

“I- -”

“Oop! I meant ‘interrogator’. Sorry. Freudian slip there. And not the one that involves my dad on a banana peel.” Pinkie Pie cleared her throat and began to pace. “So. You’re going to want to answer my questions. Okay?”

“There must be some mistake…is this even legal?”

Pinkie Pie leapt on him with so much force that his chair was pushed back across the floor. “I AM THE PSYCHOLOGIST! We’ve done the research! On the day that Rarity ‘died’, you entered her shop that morning. You might very well be the last one to see her ‘alive’. WHY?”

“I- -I- -I was picking up a tailored bow tie! Because bow-ties are cool!”

“No they aren’t! Unless they spin!” Pinkie Pie leaned in closer- -so close that Time Turner could smell frosting and see the powder of confectioner’s sugar on her nose where she had been snorting it. “Did it spin?” she whispered.

“No,” admitted Time Turner, slowly. “I also went to ask her if she could make a fez…but she refused. She said it was a horrible idea. But fez’s are cool too!”

“Hmm…”Pinkie Pie stroked her chin. “I suppose I can’t argue with that. But I also think you’re lying.”

“No, I really did want a fez- -”

“Not about that.” Pinkie Pie stepped back and began to pace again. “See, I think you helped set this whole thing up. I’m not stupid. I know Rarity faked her own death- -and YOU helped her. That’s not the question. The question is whether she contacted you to make it happen…or if you faked it yourself to cover someone else’s tracks.”

“If I may make a note, that isn’t exactly a question…”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened. “So it’s going to be like that, is it? I didn’t want to have to do it. I really didn’t.” She giggled. “Can’t say that with a straight face! I totally did! It makes it more fun when you have to MAKE them talk!”

Pinkie Pie disappeared from the light, but returned a moment later. She was holding something in her hoof, but because Time Turner’s head was taped to the chair he could not see what it was. Then, slowly, Pinkie Pie held up something grotesque and horrible- -and Time Turner realized that his situation was indeed far worse than Shining Armor’s.

“N- - no!” he gasped as he saw the pear. “You- -you wouldn’t! Pinkie, I know you! You couldn’t- -you wouldn’t! You- -”

Pinkie suddenly lunged forward. Before Time Turner could resist, she shoved the pear into his mouth and pressed on his chin, forcing him to bite down. The pear was perfectly ripe, and as the juice dribbled down his chin. Time Turner’s eyes went wide as he started to weep.

“Now. I’m willing to take that pear out. But only if you agree to tell me the truth. As in the Applejack kind of truth. Okay?”

Time Turner sobbed quietly but managed to nod his head. Pinkie Pie then carefully removed the pear.

“Well?”

“Alright! Alright! Please, no more! You’ve broken me! I’m- -I’m not really a Timepony! I’m just a regular pony! I’m not nine-hundred years old, I’m thirty seven, I just say that because I lack confidence in my age! I don’t travel time, I can’t even study it- -my special talent is for repairing hourglasses! That’s it! I spend my life changing sand! And sometimes I strap on fake wings and pretend to be somepony else- -” He broke down sobbing. “I’m a failure! A failure!

“Pinkie.” Bon Bon emerged from near the light. “This clearly isn’t working.”

“Darn it,” swore Pinkie. “I knew I should have used a Barlett instead of a Bosc…”

“That’s not the problem. The problem is he doesn’t have anything to say.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying he doesn’t know anything.”

“Of course he does! He has to! He was the last one to see her before she disappeared!”

“I told you, that could be coincidental. I have nothing else on him.”

“Which is exactly why we need to make him TALK. I mean, you’re a secret agent. Do some secret things or something!”

“I don’t usually need to do…this. I prefer to use seduction. The thing is, I’m not an amblyoptic Pegasus. So that’s not going to work.”

“I can do it,” said Lyra. She pushed past Bon Bon.

“Lyra, this isn’t the time for…”

Bon Bon trailed off as she watched Lyra put a metal horseshoe on one of Time Turner’s front hooves. He was unable to resist, as his wrist was tied down. It was only then that all three of them noticed the set of nails protruding from Lyra’s mouth, and the hammer she was levitating in her magic.

Time Turner suddenly went silent before he began to scream.

“No- -NO! DON’T! YOU CAN’T!”

“I assure you,” said Lyra, “I’m a registered farrier…”

“Lyra!” cried Bon Bon. “What- -what are you doing?”

Lyra looked up at Bon Bon. “I was going to shoe him.”

Bon Bon’s color suddenly faded and she looked sick. Pinkie was just confused.

“What does that mean?”

“You know. Nail a horseshoe to his hoof.”

Pinkie Pie immediately turned to the side and spilled her cupcakes on the floor.

“LYRA!” cried Bon Bon. “You- -you can’t do that!”

“But my farrier training- -”

“NO! That’s too far! It’s just too far!”

“I- -I think I’m going to pull a Rarity,” moaned Pinkie Pie, wiping her mouth. “Do we have a fainting couch?”

“Well, fine!” snapped Lyra. “I thought you wanted information out of him, and a nice new set of horseshoes does exactly that! But I guess you don’t want it that bad, do you?”

She pulled the horseshoe off Time Turner’s hoof and threw it across the floor, where it struck a chair leg and circled it perfectly. Time Turner then nearly fainted from relief.

“So now what?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Let’s see.” Bon Bon produced a stack of dossiers and flipped through them. “Hmm…it looks like Rarity stopped at the florist before Time Turner’s appointment.”

“GASP!” gasped Pinkie Pie. “Fluoridation! I knew it!”

Bon Bon raised one eyebrow. “No. Florist. As in flowers. My contact says she made a large purchase.”

“Of flowers?”

“No. Of floral products but not whole flowers. My guess? Perfume-making supplies.”

“Well,” said Time Turner, looking up at them. “Now that you mention it, I do recall Rarity mentioning something about perfume…and a party she was planning on attending.”

Bon Bon turned to him sharply. “And were you planning on telling us this before or after Lyra gave you a permanent set of shoes?”

“I- -um- -well- -it slipped my mind!”

“Clearly.” Bon Bon turned to Pinkie Pie. “It looks like that’s our next lead, then. We need to follow up.”

“Ah,” said Pinkie. “Maud?”

“Yes, Pinkie?”

Lyra and Bon Bon both jumped suddenly, neither of them having realized that Maud was even present in the room. Lyra let out a little squeak and nearly tipped Time Turner over.

“Where the buck did you come from?!” cried Bon Bon.

Maud stared at her blankly, and then slowly lifted her hoof and pointed at Pinkie. “Her mother.”

“Ha ha! Oh, Maud, you’re so silly!”

“Yeah. I know.” She turned slowly toward Time Turner. “So. You want me to dump this one?”

“Yeah. He’s no good. But we’re going to need you to get another. And try not to hit this one so hard this time. If Lyra hadn’t known first aid…”

“No,” said Bon Bon. “That’s not going to work.”

“Why?” asked Pinkie, tilting her head. She gasped. “Ohh! Is she like a unicorn where they get that aneurism thing- -”

“You’re thinking of vedmaks. Not the same thing. Trust me, as a professional monster hunter I would know. No. The thing is, we can’t interrogate Roseluck. I grew up with her. I know her. I can’t do that to her. Daisy maybe, and Lily definitely…but not Rose.”

“Maud, write those names down…”

“If you want to get anything out of Roseluck, you need to go the seduction route.”

“I don’t know how I feel about that,” muttered Lyra.

“I feel quite bad about it, actually,” added Time Turner. “Don’t I get a say?”

“No,” replied Bon Bon. “You don’t. And it’s fine. Because I’m not the one who’s going to be doing the seducing.”

“Ah,” said Pinkie. She turned to Maud. “So it’s up to you.”

“Not a problem,” said Maude. “It wouldn’t be the first time. I’m very appealing.” She blinked very, very slowly. None among them were sure if that was meant to be seductive or was just the speed she naturally blinked.

“No. She doesn’t go with earth ponies. Rose only likes unicorns. She has a thing for horns. Big, long, hard ones…”

“Oh,” said Time Turner, lowering his head. “Great. There goes my self-esteem…”

“I have a horn,” noted Lyra.

“Yes. Which is why you’re going to be seducing her.”

“Wait, what?!”

“I have to look in to the party. And no way Rose is going to go for anything that isn’t brightly colored and pleasant smelling.”

“Again,” said Time Turner. “My feelings…”

“Yeah,” said Pinkie Pie, ignoring Time Turner. “And Maud and me have to dispose of the body…”

Time Turner looked up suddenly. “The still living body, I hope!”

Pinkie looked at him, and then at Bon Bon expectantly.

Bon Bon sighed. “First, ‘Maud and I’. Second, of course still alive. Somebody already offed Rarity, we don’t need another one…”

“Faked!” cried Pinkie. “FAKE offed Rarity!”

“Whatever. There’s a lot of prepwork to do. You two handle the wetwork.”

“I love getting wet!” cried Pinkie. “Don’t you too, Maud?”

Maud paused for a long moment. “Yes.”

The two of them then descended on Time Turner, preparing him to be released. Bon Bon departed rapidly, wondering which of her many dresses would be the most appropriate for the party but deciding that she should do more reconnaissance first.

Within a matter of seconds, Lyra was left alone. She sat, frowning.

“Great,” she said. “I have to seduce a mare I barely know. How the heck am I supposed to do that?” She groaned and put her hoof on her head. “You know what?” she said, standing and igniting her horn. “Buck that. I’ll do it the correct way.”

As she departed, the hammer she had set down levitated and followed her- -along with four heavy iron horseshoes and plenty of long, sharp nails.

Chapter 10: Another Intermediate Chapter

“I can’t believe this,” muttered Starlight. The sun was just coming up, and she felt incredibly tired. “Why in the name of Luna in a pile of thestrals did I just have to spend the whole night in the hospital?” she turned suddenly. “Apart from YOU eating things you’re not supposed to!”

Trixie waved her hoof dismissively. “The answer is you love me and wanted to be supportive. Besides. It’s better than sleeping in that draughty old castle.”

“It’s not that old- -wait. Did you just say ‘draughty’? As in, instead of ‘drafty’?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie can be fancy too!” snapped Trixie.

Starlight was about to respond when the pair of them crested a hill and in the distance saw a short line of ponies standing in front of the castle. Others were already departing the end of it, and Starlight immediately grew concerned.

“What’s going on there?”

“How am I supposed to know? Trixie has left her glasses at home…”

Starlight reached out and stopped one of the ponies apparently leaving the end of the line. “Hey, Thunderlane!” she said. “What’s going on down there?”

Thunderlane smiled. “Oh, mane, Starlight, I’m surprised you missed it! Yeah, Twilight totally got convicted of necromancy. So we had a full-blown witch burning! Torches and everything!”

He laughed and took flight. Starlight felt her heart skip. “W…witch burning?” She turned suddenly, and bumped into yet another pony- -or, as she quickly realized, a zebra.

“Zecora!” she cried. “What’s happening? Is there really a witch burning? Did Twilight really- -”

Zecora smiled. “Indeed, though the punishment may be great for such a simple crime, I am very much glad that I was not the witch this time!”

“Celestia’s rainbow beard…” Starlight started running. Trixie did as well, being careful to stay behind Starlight for the best view.

Zecora called from behind her. “Be careful, little unicorn lasses! If you’re not careful, the next thing to be burning will be YOUR as- -”

Starlight did not hear the end of her couplet. Instead, she started running toward the castle at as close to a full sprint as her relatively weak unicorn legs could carry her. “They didn’t- -they couldn’t- -”

“Oh please,” said Trixie, rolling her eyes. “It’s like you’ve never been burned as a witch before.”

“Of course I haven’t- -wait a minute, you have?!”

“Uh, duh. In, like, five out of every eight villages Trixie stops in. If I had a bit for every time I’d been burned at the stake…well, I wouldn’t live in a stupid hobo cart. I’d have a shack. With NO wheels on it!”

Starlight did not know what Trixie meant, but in her haste she engaged a teleportation spell and vanished with a pop. She reappeared near where a wooden stake had been erected in the center of the castle courtyard. Twilight was chained to it, and sobbing uncontrollably in a pool of her own tears. The line that had been in front of her had finally reached its last pony. He approached Twilight.

“Your mother is so ugly, she gave birth to YOU!” he cried, laughing. “And then you were STILL so ugly that she gave you to Celestia because she couldn’t stand to look at you!”

The pony then stepped aside, putting his pitchfork into a labeled cart. Several other ponies began to take the carts of pitchforks and torches away, and Mayor Mare stepped forward past where Twilight was a sobbing, weeping heap.

“By the power vested in me, I hereby declare that this witch has been adequately roasted! She may be released!”

Several earth ponies removed the bindings that held Twilight to the post, and another removed the dimeritium shackle from her horn. Twilight collapsed, and Spike was finally released to run to her side.

“Twilight!” cried Starlight, also running to her. As she did, a pop occurred next to her and Trixie emerged from her own teleportation spell- -five feet off the ground and upside down.

“Oof!” cried Trixie as she thumped to the ground. “Ugh…I think that spell needs a little more practice.” She started to stand up. “The first time I think I went to Princess Cadence’s bedroom. It was all pink and crystally.” She brushed herself off. “Oh. And Flash Sentry says ‘hi’.”

“Spike!” cried Starlight, ignoring Trixie as usual. “What happened!”

“I don’t know! They came and took her out of the castle, and they said she made Rarity into a zombie- -but she didn’t! She wouldn’t! And then they…they tied her to a post and said mean things…”

“Uh, yeah,” said Trixie, as if that were obvious. “How else are you supposed to burn a witch?” She stepped forward and kicked Twilight lightly. “Suck it up, Sparkle. Trixie once had to do three of those in one day and still managed to get to her job at the rock farm…”

Spike pushed her away. “She’s been through enough! Leave her alone!”

“I’m sorry,” said Starlight. “I should have been here!”

“Yeah. Especially since you, well, you know, ACTUALLY conduct necromancy.”

Starlight stiffened. “Trixie! That was supposed to be a secret!”

Spike suddenly became angry. “So- -so it really happened! YOU brought Rarity back to life! You- -you monster!”

“What? No! Spike, Rarity’s not dead! It was a misprint in the paper, it’s her mane- -”

Twilight suddenly began shivering, and Spike glowered at Starlight. “I don’t have time for this. I have to get her inside. She’s a mess. You, just stay away from her. It’s bad enough she got burned at the stake, and now you’re talking about Rarity too?” He picked up Twilight and helped her stumble toward the castle door. “Why is it that I have to be the only responsible one here?” he grumbled to himself.

Starlight watched her go, as did Trixie. “Darn,” said Trixie. “We should have left earlier. I totally had some really good burns for her. Like, how her magic is so much weaker than that of the Great and Powerful- -”

“Yeah. No. This isn’t going to end well. We should probably get out of here.”

“Why?”

“Trust me. I’m an expert in grudges. Besides, we have stuff to do.”

“But I already got my stomach pumped…”

“Not that. Spike’s right. Twilight’s out of commission. So we need to do this ourselves.”

Trixie groaned. “Do we have to?”

“You can stay here if you want.” Starlight pushed past Trixie. “We need to find whoever made this ad. Figure out what happened.”

Trixie paused as Starlight walked away, and looked up at the castle. “Fine!” she moaned, turning to follow Starlight. “I can’t stay here. Twilight’s just going to make me depressed with all that stupid crying. Sweet Celestia, you think the Princess of Friendship wouldn’t be so selfish!”

Chapter 11: Suspicious Behavior

Somewhere else in the town, other things were going on. Specifically, at this particular instance the Cutie Mark Crusaders were walking through the edge of the Apple family orchards, near where their clubhouse was located. Ever since they had gotten their cutie marks, they no longer really had much of a reason to try new things, but they still stayed together for some reason, likely because they had trouble making other friends.

“So,” said Applebloom, “did y’all catch the hoofball game last night?”

“That depends,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“On what?”

“On whether or not our society’s invented television yet.”

The group paused, wondering if that was actually the case. Or, at least, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle did. Scootaloo did not really understand the question.

“That doesn’t matter!” she protested. “You don’t even like sports!”

“That’s not true. I like figure skating. And that one sport where they put two ponies in a cage and make them fight until one’s unconscious. Last time I saw some guy get a horn right up the nose!”

“Eew.” Applebloom winced. “So…we do have TV, then?”

“Oh no. That one was live. I won like sixty bits. I was thinking of buying a hat.”

“I kind of prefer bows. They’re lighter, you know?”

“I wish I could afford a hat,” sighed Scootaloo.

Suddenly, the trio became aware of a presence nearby. All of them turned simultaneously to see a pair of violet eyes staring at them. They all gasped as they realized that Rainbow Dash was peering at them from the undergrowth.

“Rainbow Dash!” cried Scootaloo, jumping excitedly as her wings extended and buzzed involuntarily. “What are you doing here?!”

Rainbow Dash stood up and laughed awkwardly. “Well, you know. I was just out. Trying to clear my head, you know? And think about some real heavy stuff. And helping Fluttershy…”

“Fluttershy?” asked Applebloom.

“Right here,” said Fluttershy, meekly. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle cried out as what they had initially taken for a pile of brush suddenly began to writhe and wriggle as hundreds of enormous, twig-like insects suddenly began to move. As they parted, Fluttershy’s body became visible underneath them. Several of them crawled across her face; she did not bother to blink, and they simply walked over her open eyes.

“Fluttershy, what- -what are those?”

“Walking sticks,” said Fluttershy. “Aren’t they just adorable? Look at their little legs!”

“Why are you covered in them?”

“Oh. I was helping them with their yearly migration from the west mulberry patch to the east one so they can find new food. They’re just so terribly timid, they can’t make the walk all on their own. Rainbow Dash was helping keep me safe from…things.”

“What kind of things?” asked Scootaloo.

Fluttershy leaned in close to her and whispered. “BAD things…”

“Oh…okay…”

“Hey,” said Rainbow Dash, turning her attention toward Sweetie Belle. A strange, hungry look seemed to come over her eyes, one that immediately made both Sweetie Belle and Applebloom seem uncomfortable. “Sweetie Belle, do you like beavers?”

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Oh. No. I mean BEAVERS. Here.” Before Sweetie Belle could stop her, she dashed forward and pushed a large rodent into Sweetie Belle’s grasp. The beaver spread its front legs and wrapped Sweetie Belle in a hug.

“Aww,” said Sweetie Belle. “Hey Bruno. Well, sure. I guess beavers are okay. But I think I’m really more of a nutria girl.”

“Yeah, they’re awfully tasty,” added Applebloom.

Fluttershy’s head swiftly tilted toward Applebloom and her eyes narrowed. “What did you just say, Applebloom?”

“N- -nothing?”

Fluttershy suddenly smiled. “Oh. I’m sorry. I must have misheard.”

Sweetie Belle was growing increasingly concerned when she felt Rainbow Dash slowly stroking her hair. “Um, excuse me,” she said. “Can I help you?”

“Oh. Maybe. It’s just…you look really look like Rarity. I mean, have you ever considered dying your hair? I have some blue dye, if you want to try. If you come back to my house…”

“Um, no. That would be confusing.”

“Well, not anymore,” said Rainbow Dash. “Because…well…you know…”

Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo looked at each other, confused. “Know what?” asked Applebloom.

“You know…because she…died.”

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Rarity’s not dead. You know that, right? I know she can be dramatic, but she’s just sick.”

“Aww,” said Fluttershy. “I know it’s hard. But it’s okay. If you can’t accept it yet, we’re not going to force you. You can grieve at your own pace.”

“I know exactly how it feels,” said Rainbow Dash, landing on the ground. “I really miss her too. And if you want to…um…talk about it…”

“I want to talk about it!” cried Scootaloo. “I like talking about things!”

“No. Seriously. I was just at her house. I brought her cheese. She always eats cheese when she’s sick. Like, a LOT of cheese.”

“Does she CUT the cheese before she eats it?” asked Applebloom, giggling.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “No. Rarity NEVER cuts the cheese. Our mom and dad can’t even serve chili anymore because there’s literally a risk of Rarity exploding.” Applebloom and Scootaloo stared at Sweetie Belle with strange expressions on their face. Sweetie Belle took a step back. “What?”

“Sorry,” said Applebloom. “I forgot you have parents.”

“Yeah,” sighed Scootaloo. “It must be nice.”

“Darn. Sorry guys, I forgot.”

“It’s okay,” sighed Applebloom. She looked up at Rainbow Dash. “But Sweetie Belle’s right. I saw Rarity yesterday. She was with Bic Mac.”

Sweetie Belle turned sharply. “What was my sister doing with Big Mac?”

“Where they wrestling again?” asked Scootaloo.

“I don’t think so,” said Applebloom. “I mean, not that I saw.”

Rainbow Dash grave them a grave look and shook her head. “I get it. You’re just kids. This is way too much for you.”

“Trust me,” said Sweetie Belle. “Rarity having a cold is too much for ANYPONY.”

“Aww,” said Fluttershy. “It’s kind of cute…and really, really sad…”

“Yeah,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “So…Sweetie Belle…do you still want to come over to my house?”

Fluttershy sighed. “No, Rainbow Dash, she doesn’t. Especially not so you can dye her hair blue and pretend she’s your own personal tiny Rarity.”

Rainbow Dash sputtered. “I- -I wasn’t- -that’s not what I was trying to do! That’s just sick!”

“You can’t lie to me, Rainbow. And you can’t take Sweetie Belle. For a number of reasons. One of them being she’s a child.”

“But she has a cutie mark!”

“That doesn’t mean anything!”

“Um, yeah, it kind of does,” said Applebloom. “I’m pretty sure we can vote now. I mean, we could, if, you know, we weren’t ruled by a divine monarchy. Praise Celestia. And if our municipal government wasn’t chosen by…their…cutie marks…” A look of realization crossed her face. “Luna in a hole…” she whispered. “We don’t have a real government at all, do we?”

“I’ll be your tiny Rarity!” cried Scootaloo, jumping excitedly. “Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!”

Rainbow Dash looked confused, but also interested. “You’re not exactly a unicorn. Or white.”

“But I can be! I’ll try really, REALLY hard to grow a horn! I’ll do anything for you, Rainbow Dash! I love you more than ANYTHING!!”

Rainbow Dash frowned and put one hoof to her chin. “Hmm…I guess it’s worth a shot.” She shrugged, and then picked up Scootaloo and shoved her into a saddlebag. “Sorry, Flutter Butter, I’ve got some dyeing to do.” She paused. “Hey, isn’t it weird how ‘dyeing’ sounds like ‘dying’? Huh.” She lifted herself into the air. “Don’t get carried away with the walking sticks this year!”

“I won’t,” said Fluttershy. She looked down only to realize that she was no longer standing; rather, she was being pulled back into the woods by an army of walking stick insects that were, indeed, carrying her off. “Oh. Sorry, Rainbow Dash. I guess I am. Again.” She lifted her insect covered hoof and waved. “Bye, girls! I’m really sorry about Rarity! I’ll be here any time to talk about your feelings…assuming that these little friends actually take me to where we’re supposed to be going and not, you know, to that weird Nightmare Moon sacrificial altar out in the woods. Like last time.”

The walking sticks accelerated, carrying Fluttershy off and toward the Everfree; Rainbow Dash had long since departed, leaving only a rainbow contrail made from some unknown substance that Sweetie Belle assumed to most likely be dandruff.

Sweetie Belle looked up at the contrail and moved out of its way so that none of it landed on her.

“Is it me?” asked Applelboom. “I mean, they’ve pulled some stuff in their time…but this? Am I even seeing any of this at all? Or is it just me?”

“I think it’s something in the water,” sighed Sweetie Belle. “Or maybe paint chips.”

“It’s like we’re the only adults in the whole darn town.”

“No way,” said Sweetie Belle. “I have way more faith in ponies than that.”

Chapter 12: Somepony Derped

Starlight, not being an idiot, was able to discern the origin of the advertisement concerning Rarity’s apparent demise within a matter of an hour. Most of the advertisements in any of the Ponyville papers were created by the pony placing them and submitted directly. This one, however, had been assembled at a local print shop before submission. It was professional. And there was only one professional in town who specialized in print preparation.

“I don’t get it,” said Trixie. “What’s her job, anyway?”

“Printing and mailing,” replied Starlight.

“Wait, mail? But don’t we have a mailpony? That grey-brown guy. The tall one that ruins Trixie’s self-esteem about her figure?”

“Your figure’s fine. You would look really weird tall. He does ground mail. Derpy does air mail, plus printing.”

“Mailing air? That’s stupid. Who would want to mail air? It must be a Pegasus thing. They really like air, don’t they? They probably bottle it up and smell it or something…”

Starlight shook her head. Although this conversation was mildly amusing, she was not happy about having had to sleep in a hospital waiting room the night before. She had done worse in her life, of course, having often slept in bushes or mud in wait for Twilight Sparkle during her vengeance phase, but castle life had made her comparatively soft.

“Hello Starlight.”

Starlight and Trixie both jumped in surprise, with Trixie squealing loudly. Maud had appeared within inches of them; her naturally gray color had camouflaged her, causing neither of them to detect her until it was too late. She was holding a large sack over her back. The sack appeared to be struggling slightly.

“Um…your bag is…moving.”

Maud blinked, and then she slowly turned her head toward the bag. She poked it sharply, and the bag whimpered before going still again. “Yeah. It does that.”

“What’s in there?” asked Trixie. Her eyes lit up. “Is it food?”

“No. It’s a witness.”

“Oh. That’s a weird joke.”

“It’s not a joke,” whispered Starlight.

“Oh.”

“Have you seen a ditch I could use? I was thinking a chasm, but Pinkie said ‘no’…”

“There’s a good one over on eighth street,” suggested Starlight.

“Oh! I know that one!” exclaimed Trixie, “I’ve woken up in it more than once!”

Maud paused for a long time, and then blinked very slowly. “Sure. I’ll try that one.”

“Maud,” said Starlight.

“Yes. I am.”

“I know that. Do you know where the post office is? I’ve never used it. I usually just use Spike.”

Maud stared at Starlight blankly before slowly lifting her hoof and pointing.

The post office was exactly where Maud had said it was, which was not a surprise. Starlight tended to find that Maud’s descriptions were- -despite their brevity- -incredibly accurate. As she and Trixie approached, they saw that the building was largely silent- -save for a sudden slam of the back door, and then a flash of red near the rear of the building as Big Macintosh nervously beat a hasty retreat.

Starlight and Trixie paused, looking at each other confused. “Oh…kay?”

The two of them then entered the post office. A small bell on the door rang, and there was a sound of rapid shuffling from across the room. Derpy stood up suddenly and assumed a position that implied she had been sitting at the desk the whole time, waiting. The appearance was convincing, too- -save for the fact that her wings were fully erect and fluffy, with the down highly visible.

“Welcome to the post office!” she said, cheerfully, staring at both Starlight and Trixie at the same time despite the fact that they were standing on opposite sides of the room. “How can I make your day derp-tastic?”

Trixie looked at her and frowned, somewhat disgusted. “Um, what happened to your wings?”

“Wings?” Derpy’s face scrunched. “I don’t have any wings.”

“So you’re an earth-pony?”

Derpy’s face continued to scrunch. “Yes.”

“Well could you put them down? It’s kind of freaking me out.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Starlight. “This sort of thing happens to Twilight all the time. Usually around fresh, unread books. Just try to ignore it.” She turned to Derpy and approached the counter. She ignited her horn, summoning a copy of the previous day’s newspaper from whatever parallel dimension she tended to use to store stuff. It flopped on the table. Derpy gasped.

“Oh! I love magic tricks!”

“Then pay to attend one of my shows,” muttered Trixie.

Derpy’s expression fell. “I can’t. Because I spent all my money.” She lowered her head in shame. “On muffins.”

Starlight ignored that information. Instead, she opened the paper and pointed to the ad. Derpy looked down at it, and her wings immediately folded neatly behind her.

“Oh,” she said. “You’re here about that. Oh, it’s so sad! I cried myself to sleep last night! Rarity was so pretty! And so generous! She would bring me little hats sometimes…I can’t hardly believe she’s gone!” Tears welled in Derpy’s mismatched eyes.

“Did you do the print preparation for this ad?” asked Starlight.

Derpy looked at the paper again, or at least turned her head in its general direction. “This one? Oh yes! I did this! It’s even in comic sans, my favorite font! Because I don’t like serifs very much…”

“And who told you Rarity had died?”

Derpy looked up. “Oh! Rarity did of course! She came in here the other day. She wanted me to prep an ad to explain that she was dyeing her mane, so everypony wouldn’t be surprised and freak out. So that’s what I did!”

“Wait a minute. You knew she had dyed her mane…and printed this ad…but you still think she’s dead?”

“She isn’t?” Derpy looked immensely confused. “But I read it in the paper.”

“You read the ad. That you printed. Look.” Starlight pointed. “You spelled ‘dyed’ as ‘died’.”

Derpy stared at the paper, or at least in its general direction. She did not appear to understand at first, but then a vague look of confused realization crossed her face. Derpy looked up at Starlight. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”

“You misspelled- -”

“You’re completely incompetent!” cried Trixie. She suddenly rushed the counter, causing Derpy to nearly fall over in surprise.

“But the doctor said that was fixed- -”

“Well clearly he lied! I am incredibly offended by this gross display of ineptitude!”

“I don’t know what that means- -”

“I DEMAND compensatory muffins! Right NOW!”

Derpy blinked. She did seem to understand what that meant. She reached behind the counter and hesitantly produced a basket of them. “Muffins make everything better?”

Trixie squinted angrily. “We’ll see about that.” She then proceeded to begin rapidly devouring the contents of the basket.

“Can you retract the ad?” asked Starlight, ignoring Trixie.

“You’d have to talk to the paper,” said Derpy. She thought for a moment. “But it only ran until today, so it’s not really a problem, right?”

“Except that the whole town thinks she’s dead.”

Derpy’s eyes widened. “She isn’t?!”

“We just went over this.”

“Yef!” agreed Trixie through a mouth full of muffins. “Yuff bnf dwfkn dff weff painf?”

“Not recently…”

“Okay,” said Starlight. “Then we just need to print a retraction. To say that the initial statement was wrong.”

“I can do that!” said Derpy. She took out a marker and put it in her mouth, then started writing. It only took her half a minute to realize that the marker was backward, and she flipped it around. She wrote again for a moment, and then lifted the paper.

“‘Rarity has not dyed’,” read Starlight.

“Inf perfctf cfomic safns!” added Trixie, her mouth still filled with muffins.

“Um, yeah,” said Starlight. “I’ll contact the paper directly.”

Derpy looked crestfallen. “Oh…okay…”

Starlight sent her copy of the newspaper back to its dimension and turned to leave. “Thanks for your help. Even if you did cause this whole mess. But it’s an honest mistake, I guess, so don’t feel bad.”

“Yeah,” said Trixie, swallowing her mouthful of muffins and pushing the empty basket across the counter. “If Trixie had a bit for every mistake she’d made, she’d have, like, two bits or something. And those muffins were way too dry.”

“Oh,” said Derpy, looking even sadder. She took the basket, but paused as she looked into it. “Um…what did you do with the wrappers?”

Trixie looked in the basket, and then at Derpy. “Wrappers?”

“Yes. You know. The little paper things. You have to undress muffins before enjoying.”

Trixie’s eyes widened. Shen she slowly turned her head, looking over her shoulder. “Starlight! Starlight, it happened again!”

Trixie then raced out of the room, leaving Derpy all alone. She stared for a long moment.

“I don’t know what just happened,” she eventually admitted to herself. “So I’m just going to pretend it didn’t…”

Chapter 13: A Fancy Party

At long last, the party had begun. Rarity was still mildly ill, but her recovery had been quite spectacular. The combination of tea and a long, hot bath had done wonders, in addition to the preponderance of cheese that Sweetie Belle had brought her- -which she had taken with numerous glasses of pony wine that she had been able to hide from Rainbow Dash.

The trip to Canterlot had been short and quiet- -exceedingly quiet, in fact, considering how almost all of the town seemed to be in bed, almost as though they had spent the entire night doing something exceedingly important. It hardly mattered to Rarity, though; she was too focused on the preparation she needed to do to be as fabulous as possible.

This fabulosity, in fact, went off without a hitch, and Rarity found herself wandering through the grand hall of the Royal Palace, surrounded by ponies in exquisite dresses and suits from designers all across Equestria, all with their manes dyed pink to represent both their solidarity and their substantial charity contribution.

For a moment, Rarity paused at the refreshment table. It was considered a faux pause to linger by it for too long, but she had spent the better part of the last two days with nothing to eat except for tea and cheese. As she was taking a glass of pink-colored punch, however, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

“Rarity. I’m so glad that you could come.”

Rarity turned quickly and tilted her head to look upward. Both Celestia and Luna were looming over her. Unlike the other guests, they were both completely nude, save for their crowns, intricate necklaces, and ornate all-metal shoes that rose to their knees. Had any other pony appeared at such a party like that, it would have been considered scandalous- -but in the case of the Princesses, they had good reason to have their bodies exposed. Namely the fact that they were physically flawless. If Rarity had a body that slender and beautiful, she would walk around in the nude most of the time too. Or at least more often than she already did.

“Princesses,” she said, bowing deeply. “I’m honored!”

“Oh, Rarity,” laughed Celestia. “There’s no need for that. I think we know each other quite well by now. In fact, I’m surprised we haven’t had you for dinner yet.”

Luna suddenly seemed to be paying attention. “I was not aware that doing such was still permitted,” she said. She eyed Rarity. “Although mayhaps we might use the yellow and pink Pegasus instead. This one does not appear as tender…”

Celestia looked gravely concerned, but Rarity was far more preoccupied with the fact that she had just received a private invitation from a Princess who was not Twilight, even if it was an informal one. In her shock, she just took a moment to bask in Celestia’s glory- -both figuratively and literally; Celestia tended to generate a substantial amount of radiant heat.

Rarity did not know how, but both of the Princess’ manes were dyed for the occasion, despite being more of ethereal projections rather than actual hair. Luna’s mane looked excellent: the normally blue portion of her starry mane had been replaced with hot pink, which contrasted perfectly with the dark rim that still remained around it. When Rarity noticed Celestia’s mane, though, she could not stop herself from cringing. The whole of it had been dyed pale pink.

“Oh my,” she said. “Celestia, your mane…”

Celestia sighed. “I know. Every year. The same thing, it never goes quite right, and ponies end up afraid of me. Well, more afraid than they normally are. I just can’t fathom why.”

As they were speaking, another pony approached the refreshment table. Celestia took notice and leaned down. “Hello there,” she said, putting her head close to that of the other pony. She levitated a fruit from one of the displays. “Do you want to try a banana? They’re VERY fresh…and LONG…”

The other pony looked at her with wide eyes, and then burst into tears and ran away shrieking in fear of the banana that Celestia was levitating near her.

“See?” sighed Celestia. “I just don’t understand it.”

“Yours appears nice, however,” noted Luna. “For a mortal.”

“Why thank you,” said Rarity. “I think. Although it certainly is easier for me than either of you. How exactly do you manage to use dye when…you know…”

“When our hair is actually a product of our divine effervescence?” asked Luna, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. That.”

“It’s something of a rumor that alicorns can never dye,” said Celestia. “It just takes more effort. Look at those two.”

She pointed, and Rarity turned her head to see a pair of thestrals, both of whom looked tremendously traumatized and both of whom were, despite their normally threatening bat-like appearance, both dyed completely pink.

“Oh my,” said Rarity. “Well, they certainly are in the spirit of the event.”

Celestia laughed, and Luna blushed angrily. “Oh no. Those where the two I tasked with dying Luna. To hold her under and whatnot. I’m afraid it may be permanent for them.”

“Wait…hold her under?”

“Luna is adverse to bathing.”

“I am not adverse!” protested Luna. “I in fact bathe with great regularity! I take a bath once a month, whether I need it or not!”

“Trust me,” said Celestia, rolling her eyes. “You do. You start to smell like moon cheese.”

“FOUL HERESY! My moon is not constructed of cheese! I would know! I spent a thousand years there!”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Yours, largely! I certainly did not sent myself there!”

“Oh, well,” said Rarity, desperately trying to change the subject. “Well…if you ended up dying your…servants…”

“Slaves, technically,” said Luna. “I own their bloodline.”

“Your…ah. Well. Why are you not dyed completely, then, like they are?”

Luna seemed confused. “But my various hairs are dyed. As you can see.”

“But your body…”

“Oh yes,” said Celestia. She laughed. “I see what you mean. Well, the fact of the matter is…” She reached out her hoof. “Why don’t you just touch me?”

“Touch…a Princess…”

“Don’t worry,” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Thou would not be the first to do so.”

Rarity reached out and touched Celestia’s hoof. She instantly recoiled in surprise.

“You’re- -you’re- -”

“Completely hairless. All alicorns are. Like those adorable naked cats.”

“But Twilight- -”

“Also lacks body hair. Believe me, I’ve checked. That’s how you know the alicornening is working.”

“Oh…well…” Rarity made a mental note to get furniture covers for the next time Twilight came to visit to prevent the formation of any greasy stains she might leave.

Celestia suddenly looked over Rarity’s shoulder. She suddenly smiled and waved- -something she excelled at, as it was a substantial part of her normal occupation. Rarity turned around to see Prince Blueblood standing near the refreshment table with a substantial pile of cake, looking like a deer caught in some manner of light. He had not even bothered to dye his mane.

“Blueblood!” said Celestia. “It’s so good to see you! Why don’t you come over here and- -”

“Nooooo!” cried Blueblood, dropping his plate and running away. “No, auntie, incest is NOT wincest!”

He ran by Rarity, almost pushing her over. Celestia frowned and yelled after him. “For the last time! We’re not related! Stop pretending to be my nephew!”

“Wait,” said Rarity. “He’s NOT actually a Prince?”

“Of course not, it’s just his first name.” Celestia paused, and then turned to Luna. “Unless he came out of you.”

Luna appeared offended. “I assure you, he did not. I am a virgin queen.”

Celestia glowered. “You’re just not going to let that go, are you?”

“No. I do not intend to, dear sister.”

“If you didn’t spent your whole life lurking in dark corners- -”

“And come to parties I’m not invited to? Or does thou forget that I am not at present sealed within a lightless, foodless prison with naught to drink but my own moon-shine?”

“It’s exactly that attitude that- -”

“What about Cadence, then?” asked Rarity.

Celestia and Luna turned toward her, confused.

“It should be noted that our dear Cadence is NOT a virgin,” said Luna. “Young Flurry Heart is indeed evidence of that.”

“No, no, not that.” Rarity shivered. “In fact, I would have really rather not have had to think about that. I mean, isn’t she your niece?”

Celestia and Luna looked at each other. “Well,” said Celestia, “she’s certainly not mine. Luna?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Then where did we get her from?”

“I would not know. It was rather news to me. I actually assumed that she was your daughter until a few months ago.”

“You- -how could you think she’s mine?!”

“The resemblance, largely, although I do admit that she is indeed substantially more slender than thou.”

“Where did we get her…” Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Huh. She’s probably Sombra’s kid. That would make sense with the timeline…”

Rarity was somewhat taken aback. “Sombra…as in THE Sombra?”

“Maybe. I probably wrote it down somewhere.” She paused. “Although…if she is Sombra’s, then that means she might ALSO be mine…”

“I- -uh- -but that means- -” Rarity paused. “But that means Shining Armor is substantially younger than she is…”

“And you are substantially younger than me.”

Rarity blushed uncontrollably, and Luna rolled her eyes. “Quiet, dear sister, thou art unknowingly making this awkward.”

“But I’m Celestia…I know everything!”

“Oh my. Rarity?”

The voice had come from behind Rarity, and she was forced to turn around again as Celestia and Luna looked up. Rarity did not know what it was about fancy parties, but everyone seemed to sneak up from behind when she was not otherwise paying attention.

When she saw who was behind her, though, her jaw clenched somewhat. One of the ponies was none other than Fancy Pants, who Rarity really did not mind and in actuality found rather dashing. The other, however, was Fleur de Lis. Fancy Pants had gone out of his way to change his mane color, but Fleur- -who already had a pink mane- -had barely changed hers at all, save for a single darker streak being added. In addition, she was completely nude, save for a large choker necklace with a sapphire that to Rarity’s assessment looked as though it was as valuable as her entire chain of boutiques. As always, she mostly remained silent as she struck various sexy poses on and around Fancy Pants. Rarity did not like Fleur. In fact, she rather hated her.

“Hello Fancy Pants, it’s so good to see you!” Rarity chose to ignore Fleur, but Fleur struck a pose and waved anyway.

“It’s certainly good to see you too. I’m substantially relieved that the news from Ponyville was, in fact, incorrect.”

“The news? What news?”

Fancy Pants looked surprised. “You weren’t aware?”

“I’ve been terribly busy preparing for the ball, plus I was sick with a simply horrible cold.”

“I had heard that you had died.”

Rarity blinked. “Oh. Yes. I did.” Rarity poked at her mane. “I do believe we all did…well, MOST of us…” She glared at Fleur.

“You…oh, no,” said Fancy Pants. “Died, not dyed. As in became deceased. You have no idea how relieved I am that the rumors of your death were greatly exaggerated.”

“Wait…” Rarity was confused, and a headache that was persisting from her cold was rising slowly behind her eyes. She put her hoof to her face and took a deep breath. “I’m afraid I don’t understand, darling.” She looked up. Fleur was, yet again, striking various provocative poses. This only made Rarity’s headache worse. “Excuse me, Fancy Pants, but is it at all possible to get her to stop doing that for ONE second?”

Fancy Pants once again looked confused. “‘Her’? To whom are you referring, Rarity?”

Rarity point. “Her.”

Fancy Pants looked up at Fleur, and she smiled. He, however, did not; his eyes widened and he cried out in shock, jumping away from Fleur with a surprisingly swift motion. “GAH! Who in the name of Celestia’s glorious rump are YOU?!”

“Wait,” said Rarity. “She’s Fleur de Lis. She’s always around you.”

“I’ve never seen this mare in my life! You- -what do you mean she’s been around me? And why is she- -NUDE?!”

“I had assumed you paid her to be that way. But…you are honestly saying you’ve never noticed her before?”

“Most certainly not! I don’t- -why, I never- -how did she even get there?!”

“I had no idea my rump was an expression,” said Celestia. Fancy Pants turned several shades of red when he realized that Celestia and Luna- -the latter of whom was trying to suppress laughter- -were still standing there, watching. Celestia turned slowly backward and looked at her rear. “I mean, I suppose it is quite glorious…”

“It is said that the sun is the largest celestial body in the solar system, dear sister.”

Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Yes. And your moon is quite a bit smaller, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Only because I choose to exercise restraint whilst amongst baked goods.”

“Are you calling me FAT?”

“It is thine rump that has become an expression, dear sister, not mine.”

“Oh, it is,” said Rarity. “It just isn’t used nearly as often.”

“That describes Luna’s rear surprisingly well, actually,” muttered Celestia. Luna stopped laughing and glared.

By this time, Fancy Pants was backing away from Fleur, who was staring at him with a strange smile on her face. She had not spoken a word; Rarity had initially assumed that she was simply very quiet, but now had come to the conclusion that she was quite likely mute.

“I can’t believe you never knew she was there,” said Rarity, although she found herself feeling quite relieved. “I had always assumed you two were an item.”

“Oh, I never associate romantically with white unicorns. Too much risk of inbreeding, you see.”

“Oh,” said Rarity, her hopes falling. “I see. Well, then.”

“Is she some sort of parasite? A- -a changeling, maybe?”

“No, I would know that,” said Celestia. “It is a known fact that I excel at detecting them.”

“Indeed,” added Luna. “If said changelings have chosen to disguise themselves as cake.”

“Well at least I can stay awake through their invasions!”

“Yes. In a chamber of some manner of warm goo.”

“This is why I don’t let you into parties. Here.” She levitated Fleur in her magic. Fleur struggled, but Celestia’s horn was prodigiously long and hard, and therefore there was little she could do to escape the resulting magic. “Whatever you are, you’re just the most adorable thing! Like a little me! In fact, I’d even say there’s a chance you might be my daughter. But you’re just too thin! Come on, let’s get some cake into you!” Celestia leaned in closer, and Fleur’s eyes darted to Celestia’s distinctly dyed gray-pink mane. “And then I know some fun things we can do together!”

Fleur cried out silently and struggled even harder, grasping for Rarity and Fancy Pants. It was no use, though; Celestia easily carried her off toward where the cake was just in the process of being served.

“I think…I think I need to sit down.” Fancy Pants blotted his forehead with a handkerchief. “You look lovely tonight, Rarity, and thank you for pointing her out to me.”

“You're welcome,” replied Rarity, somewhat gruffly. “Take care.”

Fancy Pants left, and Rarity turned to Luna in a huff. “I can’t believe he doesn’t date white unicorns. I do believe that is simply racist!”

“Inbreeding is not a joke, Rarity of Ponyville. As a pony from Ponyville, I assumed you would be aware of that.”

“Why?”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Have you met the Apple family?” Somewhere, Applejack shivered violently. “And in addition, I would hardly call his racism 'suspect'. Do remind yourself that you dwell in a society ruled by beings belonging to a highly specific master race.”

“Like you.”

“Among others, unfortunately.” Luna glanced over her shoulder at the buffet table, where Fleur was being force-fed cupcakes. “Sometimes I do wonder if it would not have been better to remain as Nightmare Moon…”

“That is not something I wanted to know, actually.”

“You’ve got to be bucking kidding me,” swore a voice behind Rarity.

Rarity groaned. “Ahem!” she said. “I’m doing my best to be polite, but is it absolutely necessary to approach me from behind? I understand that I do indeed have a spectacular tail, and my figure is quite excellent for somepony of my stature, but PLEASE stop sneaking up on me! If you’d tried this with poor Fluttershy you’d either have received the beating of your life or scared the poor thing to death!”

“Not my problem.”

Rarity turned around and, much to her surprise, found Bon Bon staring back at her. Bon Bon’s naturally bicolor hair had been adjusted so that the blue aspect had been tied into a tight bun on her head, while the pink portion was allowed to flow freely over her otherwise white dress. Rarity actually found it quite fascinating, even though the outfit was overall somewhat minimalistic.

“Ah,” said Luna. “I see my sister has been allowing earth-ponies into the parties again. Remind me to summon a vedmak later.”

“Summon as many as you want. I assure you, your title as Virgin Queen of Equestria will be quite secure.”

“Bon Bon! That’s no way to speak to royalty!”

“Can it!” snapped Bon Bon. She took a sharp step forward. “Do you have any idea how much trouble I had to go through to find you? I had to come all the way to Canterlot! I had to wear a dress! I had to keep Lyra up after her bedtime! Do you have any idea what happens if she doesn’t get proper sleep?”

“Well, if she’s anything like me- -”

“She gets loopy! And trust me, you do not want to see a loopy Lyra!”

“It is true,” admitted Luna. “It is indeed an undesirable sight.”

“Well, I don’t know how I caused any of that to happen!”

“Seriously?” Bon Bon produced a paper from her dress- -Rarity was not sure where she put it, but the idea of internal dress pockets did occur to her and she made a mental note of it- -and passed it to Rarity. Rarity took it in her magic and opened it.

“A paper,” she said. “So?”

“Right here.” Bon Bon pointed, and Rarity flipped the page to it. When she saw what was printed there, she let out a shriek of horror.

“NO! NO! This- -this can’t be! It’s- -”

“Incorrect?”

“In COMIC SANS!” Rarity swooned and fainted. Luna caught her. “Oh my,” said Rarity. “Thank you, Princess.”

“Tis not a problem. I receive precious little physical contact, largely as a result of my alicorn alopecia I suppose.”

Luna righted Rarity. “Oh,” she said. “It also looks like ‘dyed’ is spelled wrong.”

“Ya think?”

“Yes. And I gave Derpy my trust!” Rarity sighed. “I’ll just have to strangle her when I get back to Ponyville.”

“Figuratively.”

“Excuse me?”

“Figurativly strangle her. You can’t actually do it. She’s Derpy.”

“But…comic sans! In MY ad!”

“No strangling!”

“Oh. Well, if you insist.”

“I do. And you have to get back to Ponyville. RIGHT NOW.”

“Darling, that simply isn’t possible! This party is desperately important- -”

“No. You don’t understand. The entire town? Yeah. They all think you’re dead. Except Pinkie Pie for some reason. She thinks you faked your death or got stolen or something stupid. She forced me to investigate under threat of being blackmared.”

“Black! OH MY!” Rarity nearly fainted again. “You would look TERRIBLE in black! All ponies would! There’s not a pony alive who can pull off that look!”

“Ahem,” said Luna. “I am indeed quite sure that I was able to.”

“Well, yes, but- -”

“And Chrysalis,” said Celestia, returning from the buffet with her mouth covered in cake crumbs and Fleur hanging limply at her side. “She’s black. And pretty hot. If I wasn’t supposedly related to Cadence, I would have married Shining Armor off to her.”

“Chrysalis has a green underbelly, it adds contrast! That doesn’t count!”

“It makes me uncomfortable that you called it an ‘underbelly’.”

“I as well,” agreed Luna. “It is indeed strange.” She noticed Fleur and pointed. “Is that one dead?”

Celestia just shrugged. Bon Bon groaned loudly. “LOOK!” she said. “There’s not even a reason to be here! Why the heck would you have a breast cancer charity ball when, as ponies, WE DON’T HAVE BREASTS?!”

Celestia and Luna both looked down at themselves. Celestia even went so far as to inspect Fleur.

“Sister…?”

“I know, Luna. I never noticed it before either.”

“Rarity. Trust me on this. We have to go. NOW.”

Rarity sighed, and then turned toward the Princesses. “I’m terribly sorry, my Princesses. I suppose this is a matter I really do have to attend to. It serves me right for not doing my own printing.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” laughed Celestia. “These things happen. Rather often, actually.”

“Indeed,” said Luna. “Have no fear, Rarity, we will be in touch. Figuratively.”

“Or literally,” added Celestia. When the others looked at her in horror, she shrugged. “What? I really like being hugged!”

Rarity and Bon Bon left, leaving Celestia and Luna alone.

“Now,” said Celestia. “Which one of them was my daughter again?”

“I would suppose the white one. She is fat, like you. That said, you have no daughters. It is my opinion that thou hast acquired the old.”

“Still older than you. That’s why I’m everypony’s favorite.”

“For now, yes.” Luna pointed at Fleur. “Now. I am quite famished indeed. Can we have her for dinner?”

“No. You were right the first time. We’ll wait for Fluttershy. She certainly does seem so very tender…”

Chapter 14: Rarity is a Critical Pony

The train made Ponyville in record time. Rarity had been required to exercise every bit of charm she had to get the conductor to increase the speed, which, though she was good at, she found terribly annoying as she would much rather have been at the charity ball doing the same thing to ponies who were substantially richer.

The train had barely stopped at the station, Bon Bon nearly pushed Rarity out onto the platform.

“Well, I never!” she cried. “There’s no need to be rude!”

“Trust me, there is!”

Applejack was waiting for them on the platform, sitting near the edge and stress-eating apples. A pile of perfectly chewed cores had developed beside her, and Rarity knew that was a bad sign. Applejack almost never actually ate apples.

“There you are!” she said, standing up.

“Aww,” said Rarity. “You were waiting for me on the platform? Darling, that’s so touching! It would even be romantic, if you weren’t…you know…”

“A mare?” suggested Bon Bon.

“Short,” said Rarity.

“One, I’m taller than you,” snapped Applejack, “and two, Celestia’s rump would freeze over before that ever happens. And that’s not the point!”

“Then what is?”

“You’d better see it for yourself. The whole town’s gone to heck in a hoofbasket!”

They had barely gotten out of the train station when the whole town seemed to go quiet.

“Luna’s little hips,” whispered Applejack. “I don’t like this. Somethin’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” said Pinkie Pie.

Applejack screamed and jumped back. There had been no lead up or warning; Pinkie Pie had just appeared in front of them.

“W- -witchcraft!” she cried.

“No, silly! It’s just sorcery!” Pinkie Pie turned to Bon Bon. “So, Sweetie Drops, did you find anything at the party? Or where you just slacking off? Or even slacking ON?! Because I had a brilliant idea that involves butter and the schoolhouse- -” Bon Bon shoved her hoof into Pinkie Pie’s mouth. “Hmm,” moaned Pinkie. “Tmfsty!”

“Look.” Bon Bon pointed with her free hoof at Rarity. Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened and she gasped, nearly inhaling half of Bon Bon’s leg in the process.

“But- -but you can’t be here!” said Pinkie Pie. “You were captured by a band of swarthy griffons working for an Appleloosan gang of pony traders who were going to sell you to evil wizards so that they could use your horn to stir your coffee and ride you around with a cute little saddle and- -”

“Pinkie,” said Rarity, “I wasn’t kidnapped. And certainly not by wizards.”

“Then- -then you had to go into hiding because you secretly witnessed the mayor having inappropriate snuggling with the town mailpony- -”

“Wait,” said Applejack. “Parcel Post or Derpy?”

“Don’t encourage her!” hissed Bon Bon.

“Um…BOTH!” cried Pinkie Pie. “And then they all threatened to have you thrown in the town dungeon unless you had to hide, but you were going to bring the information to Celestia herself to have them indicted in a massive scandal- -”

“Celestia hardly cares. I was talking to her earlier today.”

Pinkie Pie gasped. “So it’s TRUE! Then that means you're back and- -and- -” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute…maybe longer, I’m a little slow today. Is your mane…pink?”

“Yes. I was trying to tell you, darling, I died it. For the yearly breast-cancer awareness charity ball.”

Pinkie Pie gasped and took a step back. “N- -no! Rarity would NEVER dye her mane! And ponies don’t get breast cancer, we don’t have breasts! Believe me, I’ve checked every single pony in town! And did you know that Twilight is COMPLETELY hairless except for her mane and tail? It’s really- -” Pinkie Pie shook her head. “No, no, you’re using you magic to get me off track. YOU!” She turned toward Bon Bon suddenly. “You back-stabbed me! Right in my pinkie-pony kidneys! You double crossed me! This isn’t Rarity! You- -” She glared at Rarity and pointed. “You’re an IMPOSTOR!”

“Pinkie,” said Applejack, “now you’re just being ridiculous. Or more so than usual I guess.”

“No! IMPOSTOR! You could be a changeling! Not only did you fake Rarity’s death, but now you’re trying to REPLACE her! But you couldn’t get the mane right! Unless- -” Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Unless you ARE Rarity…”

“Finally,” sighed Rarity. “I knew you would be able to recognize your very best friend in all of Equestri- -”

“…and I’M the one that faked my own death!” Pinkie gasped. “What if- -what if they’re after ME? What if I’m DEAD?! What if I’M the fake? My mane’s pink too, just like fake Rarity’s! None of it’s real! NONE OF IT’S REAL!”

Pinkie turned sharply and grabbed Maud by her lapels. Applejack cried out again; she had not seen Maud approach until it was too late. “MAUD!” cried Pinkie, “Are YOU a changeling? Have you always been, this whole time?!”

Maud stared at Pinkie for a long moment. “No,” she said at last.

Pinkie screamed and pushed Maud away. “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT A CHANGELING WOULD SAY!!”

She then burst into tears and ran into town. Maud watched her go. “Pinkie. Don’t go. Boulder can vouch for me…”

“What the buck just happened?” asked Applejack, as though she could not believe what had just occurred.

Bon Bon had her hoof planted firmly on her forehead. “Now you have an idea of what I’ve been dealing with for the past two days.”

‘“And what the rest of us have to deal with on a daily basis, unfortunately,” sighed Rarity. She started trotting forward after Pinkie. “This is exactly why I published my mane color change in the paper. So this wouldn’t happen.”

Rarity barely made it to town square before being completely knocked over.

“Bruising!” she squealed, before sitting up. She was about to send out a tirade of insults when she saw that the pony who had toppled her was Roseluck, who was sprinting wildly across the two, stopping occasionally to attempt to shake a set of hideously designed metal horseshoes from her hooves.

“They won’t come off!” she screamed, shaking one of her feet and sobbing. “Why won’t they come OFF?!”

“Get back here!” cryed Lyra, who was chasing after her. Roseluck burst out into all-out crying again and tried to run once more, although she would occasionally involuntarily stop to attempt to shake the horsehoes from her hooves. “Tell me where my cereal is or I will BLACKMARE YOU!” She held out a bucket of paint in her magic; she herself had been painted with a combination of zebra-like stripes and handprints. Her gait was unsteady and wobbly.

“Lyra!” cried Bon Bon. “What are you doing?!”

“Getting my daily dose of FIBER!” screamed Lyra before taking off after Rose. “GAAAAAHHHH! FROOT LOOPS!!”

“Oh my,” said Rarity as Lyra departed. “Was she wearing zebraface? How offensive!”

“I told you,” snapped Bon Bon. “Loopy. I have to go get her before she hurts herself.”

Bon Bon departed, and Rarity stood up to follow before tripping over another pony.

“Oh come on!” she cried, “at this point I’m going to be piebald from bruising!” She paused. “Although…piebald would be striking.”

“You’d look like a cow,” muttered Applejack, rolling her eyes.

“A fabulous cow.” Rarity picked herself up and looked down at what- -or who- -she had tripped over, only to realize that it was a filly. Her jaw dropped, however, when she realized that the filly was Scootaloo. That in and of itself was not especially unusual; seeing Scootaloo was relatively common. What stood out, though, was that she had been powdered white. Her tiny and largely useless wings had been pinned down by a cut tubesock which her body had been put through, and a horn-like object had been glued to her forehead near her messily blue-dyed mane.

“Dresses!” she cried, jumping around. “Haute couture! Fancy things! Flirting with stallions to get money! DRESSES!”

She laughed and ran away.

“I do not flirt for money!” cried Rarity, only to be interrupted by Rainbow Dash soaring overhead.

“Scootaloo! Get back in the sack!” she cried, gesturing toward a large burlap sack. “Ponies will see you!”

“Fashion! Gemstones! Turning down Spike!”

“I’m sorry,” said Rainbow Dash, turning toward Applejack and Rarity but clearly not looking at them. “I had her in my house, but I kind of forgot she’s not much of a Pegasus, so she sort of slipped through my floor. Because, you know, it’s clouds. I was sure the impact would stun her at least a little bit, but I have no idea what they’re feeding these kids these days to get them this hyped up. Whatever it is, want some!”

“Why is she painted like me?” asked Rarity.

“Oh, she’s not- -” Rainbow Dash looked up at Rarity and her jaw dropped. “Wh- -wh- -RARITY?!”

“Ah. So at least somepony can recognize me.”

“But you- -you were dead! I saw it in the paper! I kissed a beaver!”

“So what else is new?” muttered Applejack. Rainbow Dash glared at her.

“Yes, there was a misprint in the paper. Not ‘died’ as in, well, expired, but ‘dyed’. As in changed the color of my mane.”

Rainbow Dash looked at it. “Eew. I don’t like it. You’re like a weird giant Sweetie Belle.”

“That’s exactly what I told her,” said Applejack.

“Well, you’re hardly one to talk!” huffed Rarity.

“This is all natural!” snapped Rainbow Dash. “I can prove it, if you want to see- -”

“NO!” cried Applejack. “Already saw it once, don’t need to ever see it again! Nope!”

“Fine,” muttered Rainbow Dash.

Rarity did not know what they were talking about. “I happen to know that you DO dye your mane,” she argued. “Your violet streak is actually indigo, darling. You lighten it.”

Rainbow Dash gasped and blushed. “How- -how did you know that?!”

“Not to mention when you use the temporary dye to turn it black and pose in front of your mirror pretending to be Daring Do- -”

“Whoa whoa whoa! We can stop right there!”

“Agreed,” said Applejack. “Before we keep sayin’ things I can’t unimagine. We need to get to the Castle.”

“Why?” asked Rarity.

“Trust me. You’ll see.”

The Castle of Friendship was not far from town square. Rarity was quite familiar with the path, but as she approached she realized that some construction had occurred quite recently. As she reached the front courtyard, she realized what had been installed and she gasped in horror.

A number of stocks had been placed in front of the castle, and each was filled with an earth-pony. Many of them were crying and resisting, trying to pull their heads out to little effect.

“What happened?!” cried Rarity.

“Are we having a renaissance faire?” asked Rainbow Dash, sounding slightly excited.

“No,” said Applejack.

“Aw, mane! I got excited for nothing!”

They approached the stocks, and Rarity quickly found Twilight. She was standing at the front, levitating small balls of crumpled paper and tossing them with great force into the face of Mayor Mare, who was stocked in the front of the group.

“How do you like it now?!” cried Twilight, laughing wildly. “Huh? HUH? Answer me, heretic, or I’ll get the CONSTRUCTION PAPER!”

“Twilight!” pleaded the mare. “You’ve gone too far! This- -none of this is LEGAL!”

“Of course it is! I’m a Princess! I AM THE LAW! Repent! REPENT! How dare you burn a goddess at the stake?! Who’s fat now? I know the answer to that: YOU ARE!” She laughed again and threw the rest of the paper. “You know what? You have displeased your goddess! Now your goddess is going to get the HOSE!”

“Nooooo!” screamed various members of the captive crowd. “Not the hose!”

“Silence! The power of friendship compels you to REPENT!” Twilight laughed manically as she ran back toward the faucet at the base of her castle.

Rarity, mostly in shock but also surprisingly amused, approached the stockades. One of the ponies screamed.

“ZOMBIE!” cried the tea pony, Jasmine Leaf. “Sweet merciful Twilight, divine light and best of all Princesses, don’t let her touch me! DON’T LET HER TOUCH ME!!”

“Your prayers are heard!” said Twilight, returning with the hose. “Thou shalt be rendered clean of your sins!” She turned the hose on Jasmine Leaf and sprayed her in the face with cold water. “How do you like it?!” screamed Twilight. “You said my fiction section lacked unabridged versions! LACKED UNABRIDGED VERSIONS! You have displeased your goddess! Now DRINK!!”

Jasmine Leaf sputtered and coughed as she was essentially waterboarded.

“Stop!” cried the mayor. “Twilight, please, this is excessive! We were only following our traditions! You were convicted by a legal court of law!” She turned her head toward the pony on her left. “Filthy! Do something!”

“No, no,” he said. “I’m actually quite fine with this.”

“How can you be ‘fine with this’? We’re in stocks and being goaded!”

Filthy shrugged. “I thought this might happen, so I invested a considerable sum in the stock market. I’m making so much money right now!”

The entire group groaned in agony at the pun.

“Oh,” said Twilight, turning off the hose. “So you don’t like to be…PUNished?”

Another groan moved through the crowd, as well as several tormented screams.

“Make it stop!” wept one pony in the back. “MAKE IT STOP!”

“Well, then, if you like that, you’ll LOVE this!” A flash of violet appeared near Twilight, and a book appeared. The title was “Discord’s GIANT Book of Assorted Puns and Recipes for Goulash”. Twilight opened it and began flipping through, chuckling manically.

“Um, Twilight?” said Applejack. “This might be a bit…”

“Excessive,” added Rarity.

“I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s kind of turning me on.”

“Quiet, Rarity, I’m working on…” Twilight’s eyes suddenly went wide. She turned sharply toward Rarity. “RARITY?”

“In the fabulous, perfect flesh.”

“But- -you were dead! I saw it in the paper, and printed words never lie!” She paused. “Wait a minute. Did I actually, you know, necromancy you?” She looked to the crowd of stocked ponies who were now glaring at her. She chuckled nervously. “Because if I did, this is going to be a liiiittle bit awkward…”

“No. I’m fine. It was a misprint. The message was meant to say that I ‘dyed’. Instead of ‘died.”

“Oh,” said Twilight. “A homonym. Huh. I suppose I should have got that one. And probably checked to make sure my fourth best friend wasn’t dead first.”

“Wait! Fourth?!”

“Ha! Yes!” Rainbow Dash fist-pumped excitedly. “I got promoted!”

“Well, it was an honest mistake,” said Applejack. “Just a really stupid one.”

“The whole town made it, too,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s pretty bad.”

“Trixie knew!” said Trixie, emerging from behind the stocks with a substantial pile of wallets. Before exiting completely, she paused to slap the mayor’s rump.

“Oh my!” she cried.

“Trixie?” said Twilight. “What do you mean you knew?!”

“Trixie means that Trixie knew, as Trixie is a highly intelligent pony and, unlike one certain alicorn Princess, is able to understand when words are spelled wrong in the newspaper.”

Twilight glared. “You know, I still have a few stocks left.”

“Oh please. It would hardly be the first time the Great and Powerful Trixie was put in the stocks. Or the pillory, or took a ride on the ducking chair. That one is actually kind of fun, admittedly. Much better than the pillory. The Sensitive and Ticklish Trixie does not like her sides tickled.”

“I like mine tickled,” said Rainbow Dash. “Can I get some of that? Ideally by Rarity?”

“How did you know the paper was wrong?” asked Applejack. “Because the rest of the town seems to be stocked with, well, frankly idiots.”

“I heard that!” cried the mayor. “Most of us did!”

“I told her!” Starlight appeared, galloping at full sprint and nearly collapsing from being out of breath. “Sorry! I had to get to the forest and stop Fluttershy from being sacrificed by a tiny cult!”

“Not again,” sighed Rainbow Dash. She looked around. “Um…where is she?”

“Oh. Sorry.” Starlight lit her horn and summoned Fluttershy from the dimension where she kept things stored. Fluttershy dropped to the ground. She was in the fetal position, compressed nearly into a ball, and quivering violently.

“She’s right there.”

“So…so many tentacles…”

“Oh. Woops. Um, yeah,” Starlight stretched the back of her head. “I should probably clean that place out at some point.”

“And you didn’t tell me this WHY?” demanded Twilight.

“Because I had to get Trixie’s stomach pumped. Twice.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, knowingly. “So it’s Trixie’s fault. As always.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is innocent! Innocent I say!” Trixie looked down at the wallets she had accumulated. “Except for petty theft. But that’s only punishable by a fine, right?” She emptied a few bits from a wallet. “I can pay for that.”

“That would be a bribe,” said Twilight, taking the bits. She turned toward Rarity. “So you’re really not dead?”

“No, of course not, darling. That would simply be horrible! In fact, I had been sure the world couldn’t keep revolving without me…” She looked around. “But I do believe I have actually been proven right.”

“The idea of the world revolving is heresy,” noted Twilight. “But I’ll let it slide. For now. I’m just so glad you’re not dead yet.”

“Yet?”

“Yeah. Because I’m still going to outlive you all. But not today.” She looked around. “We should probably tell Pinkie and Spike.”

“I already heard,” said Pinkie. “I’ve actually been here the whole time. You didn’t see me?”

“Trixie did!” lied Trixie.

“Oh. Well, then, I guess it’s just Spike, then. He’ll be so happy!” Twilight laughed and began to trot toward the palace. Her friends followed, laughing as well at the absurdity of the mistake.

“Wait!” cried the mayor. “What about us?!”

“You get at least two days,” said Twilight. “Keep pressing and I’ll make it three. I’ll be out after dark to give you water.”

“From…from the hose?”

“Do you not LIKE the hose?”

“N- -no! I like the hose! We ALL like the hose!”

Twilight smiled. “I thought so.”

They continued up toward the castle.

“So,” said Rarity. “Now that you all know I’ve not died, what do you think of my mane?”

There was a silence for a moment, followed by some rather sour expressions and some random muttering.

“Oh thank Cadence’s rear,” sighed Rarity. “Because I HATE it. I’m going to change it as soon as I can. Applejack, please make a note for me to send the news out for printing. I would hate to agitate the entire town over something like dyeing my mane, after all!”

Chapter 8: Earth-Pony Tradition

Spike had, for the most part, stopped crying. It had not been easy. The only thing that had eventually overcome his intense sadness was an even more intense depression. It felt worse, and he could not imagine and end to it, ever, but at least it did not bring any more tears with it like the sadness had.

So he wandered through the Castle of Friendship, wondering why it felt so very lonely. It was vast and cold, and no one seemed to be in it. Starlight was out, and Trixie was not in her hobo cart. That meant only Twilight was present, but she was not in any of her normal locations. Assuming she had not gone herself, retiring to some distant and unknown location and leaving Spike all alone with no one and nothing left that mattered.

This was Spike’s fear as he wandered the castle for several hours. Just when he was about to give up, though, he entered a large dark room. It did not really serve a purpose apart from being vacuous. When he turned on the lights, though, he found Twilight lying in the center. She was awake, but staring upward into space, apparently oblivious to the chill of the crystal below her.

“Twilight?”

“Spike,” said Twilight. “I felt you coming. Did you know that if I focus hard enough, I can sense everything in this entire castle? Even half of Ponyville…every heartbeat, every breath. I can hear them all.”

“That’s…good?”

“I don’t think it’s good or bad. But it makes me wonder things.” She turned her head toward Spike and motioned toward a spot next to her. “I’ve been wondering a lot of things recently.”

Spike approached, but did not get too close. Twilight seemed strangely distant, and that made him nervous.

“I heard you crying,” she said.

“You did?” Spike sighed. “I wasn’t being very manly, was I?”

“No, Spike. You weren’t doing anything wrong. Sadness after something like this is perfectly natural. In fact, I think crying was the right thing to do. You don’t need to be ashamed of it.”

“Did you cry?”

“No. I’m starting to wonder if alicorns even can.”

They paused for a moment, and Spike sat down. He realized that Twilight was just as sad as he was, but in a different way. She remained silent about it, and Spike instinctively knew that silence was a very bad thing- -so he started talking instead.

“I just…this isn’t the way it was supposed to be.”

“I know the feeling.”

“I mean, we were supposed to fall in love. When I got a little bigger, and I grew some real wings…if I’m even ever going to grow a pair…and then she’d realize her true feelings and we’d get married and have dragon-pony hybrid children…”

“That’s weird, Spike. And also impossible.”

“Oh.” Spike was greatly disappointed, but was not sure why. “It’s not like it matters now, though…”He felt tears coming back to his eyes, and he tried to cover them. “Twilight, what am I supposed to do?”

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about,” said Twilight, still staring at the ceiling. “I think the only thing we can do is accept it.”

“But…but it hurts! And she- -we can’t just- -”

Twilight turned her head. “Spike. I know how you feel. I feel that way too. But there isn’t anything we can do. I think the best we can do is remember all the good times we had together.”

“Even if it hurts?”

“Especially if it hurts.”

Spike sniffled. “I just…” He shook his head. “I just don’t know…”

“Spike, how long would you say dragons live?”

Spike was confused by the question. “I don’t know,” he said, realizing it was something he never considered. “A long time, I guess.”

“Good. Because I’m going to live a long time too. And this isn’t the first time this is going to happen. Each friend we make will go away, in time. But I guess you’ll always have me. If that’s any help.”

Tears welled in Spike’s eyes, but they were different tears than before. He leaned forward and hugged Twilight. She seemed somewhat surprised, as if contact with another living being had grown foreign to her. Then she hugged him back.

It was at that moment that the doors to the room burst inward, having been forced open by a horde of earth ponies. Twilight stood up suddenly, positioning herself to defend Spike, but before she could even ask what was going on, one of the ponies slapped a dimeritium shackle around her horn.

“GAH!” she cried. “My most sensitive organ!”

Twilight instantly found herself unable to use magic. She still struggled, although futilely. Earth ponies were surprisingly strong, and they were quickly able to get a rope around her and drag her through the castle, with Spike following the whole way.

“WAIT!” he cried. “Don’t take Twilight! Please! She’s all I have left!”

One of the ponies kicked at him. “Trust me, Spike, it’s for your own good! You’ll thank us later!”

Twilight was dragged roughly outside. When she stopped and was eventually righted, she saw that a crowd had gathered around the base of the building. The entire town seemed to have gathered, surrounding the base of the castle in the darkness- -and almost all of them were carrying pitchforks and torches.

The group of ponies paused only for a moment before dragging Twilight through the crowd. It parted to allow her through, and Twilight could feel the glare of the entire town on her. Some of them whispered. A few jeered and threw crumpled-up wads of paper at her.

Within seconds, though, she felt herself being plopped down on a hastily constructed raised platform. Twilight once again struggled, even though it was of no use. Earth ponies were apparently good at tying knots; it might even have been one of her captor’s special talents.

The crowd stared back at Twilight, and she suddenly felt terrified. Consciously, she had no idea what was going on- -but instinctively, she knew that there was only one reason why a mob would form and bring their pitchforks and torches out of storage.

“Ahem,” said a voice beside her. Twilight turned suddenly; she had not realized that another pony was standing on the platform already. The ponies who had dragged her in stepped back and off the stage, and Twilight found herself left alone with none other than Mayor Mare herself.

“Mayor Mare!” she cried. “What’s going on? I’m so confused! There must have been some mistake- -”

“Twilight Sparkle,” said the mayor, sternly, as she unfolded a document. “You stand accused of necromancy.”

Twilight blinked. “Um…is this a joke?” She looked around, and realized that she did not see Pinkie Pie. She supposed this was a joke, and that Pinkie would jump out at any moment. Twilight actually started to laugh- -only for her laughter to trail off when she saw the deathly serious expression on the mayor’s face.

“Resurrecting the dead is no joke, Ms. Sparkle,” said the mayor, darkly. “It is a sin against nature, and a crime against Celestia’s will.”

“You can’t be serious- -”

“There were witnesses, Ms. Sparkle. Witnesses that clearly saw our dear friend and beloved community member Rarity walking the town, despite her death having been well-recorded.”

“It’s true!” cried one of the ponies in the crowd. The tea pony- -Twilight did not know her name, only that they shared a coat color- -pushed forward. “I saw her! With my own eyes! All covered in dirt and moaning! She was a zombie! Necromancy! NECROMANCY!”

The crowd murmured angrily, and the mayor shook her head in disappointment. “Twilight,” she said, softly. “I understand. I truly do. The desire to save your dear friend from death, to go so far as to deny nature to do it…and this may be acceptable to unicorn-folk, but here, it is a serious, serious crime…”

“But I didn’t! I would never! Not to Rarity- -you have to believe me! This is absurd! I couldn’t do that to a friend, not like that!”

The mayor’s eyes narrowed, and she spoke more loudly, addressing the crowd. “So you admit that you COULD, then?”

“I- -I didn’t say that- -”

“Can you or can’t you, Twilight Sparkle? Because our conclusion was that of all the ponies in Ponyville, only you have the capacity to raise the dead!”

“Well- -yes- -technically. I mean, it was a required elective at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and I of course excel at every academic course I take.” Twilight smiled, but her joy faded quickly. “…and I’m not helping my case, am I?”

“No. Certainly not. And I think I’ve heard enough.”

Mayor Mare approached the edge of the stage and raised her hoof to the crowd. “Twilight Sparkle!” she said, slowly turning toward Twilight. “You are hereby convicted of witchcraft!”

“What? But- -but I’m not a witch!!”

“That’s exactly what a witch would say!” cried a member of the mob. The others joined in to confirm the sentiment.

“Indeed,” said Mayor Mare. “There was already more than enough evidence, but now a confession as well?” She shook her head in disappointment, and then spoke to the crowd. “By ancient earth-pony tradition, the witch is sentenced to be BURNED AT THE STAKE!”

The crowd parted, and Twilight gasped when she saw that the stake had already been assembled: a wooden post surrounded by leaves and wood shavings. Her eyes widened in panic as she realized that this was actually happening. Terrified, she tried to struggle to break the ropes that bound her. She attempted every spell she could think of, but her magic was no match for the dimeridium that surrounded her horn. “NO!” she cried. “Please! No! Don’t burn me! I- -I’m a Princess!”

“No one is above the law.”

Twilight was dragged down from the stage and through the crowd. They had become more angry, and somehow more happy as well. This time instead of murmuring amongst themselves, they were jeering loudly. A chant broke out.

“Burn the witch! BURN THE WITCH!”

Twilight struggled harder, but still to no avail. For a moment, the ropes around her were loosed, and her heart soared with hope- -only for new, thicker ropes to be wrapped around her as she was tied to the stake. These ropes were fastened tightly, and Twilight could not help but wonder just how good her immortality was: if she would survive this, or if her inability to use magic would have an effect on it, or just how much it would hurt if she really did fail to die.

Through the crowd, Twilight could see Spike screaming and struggling to reach her. The crowd held him back, but upon seeing him, Twilight suddenly burst out in tears. “No!” she wailed. “Please! I can’t go like this! You’re all my friends! Why would you do this to me?”

The crowd did not answer. Instead, they moved silently in unison, forming an orderly line in front of Twilight. Twilight closed her eyes as the first pony approached her, bracing herself for what was coming. The pony in question was just a child, the filly Diamond Tiara. She was holding a torch. Twilight closed her eyes and braced for the burning.

Diamond Tiara cleared her throat. “Your horn is so short, I literally thought you were a Pegasus until just now.”

Twilight opened her eyes. “What?”

“Nice one, honey!” called a voice from farther back in the line. Diamond Tiara smirked and stepped out of the line, setting her torch in a labeled receptacle as she did. The line moved forward, and the next pony stepped up.

“You’re so unappealing,” he said, “that the only stallion you ever saw naked was your own brother!”

Several members of the crowd jeered in response. Twilight just blinked. “What- -but we’re ponies! We’re almost always naked! I’ve seen every stallion in town naked! Except that one waiter guy…”

The pony who had insulted her did not bother to argue. He stepped aside, and the line moved up.

“You’re so ugly, Flash Sentry frienzoned you! And he dated Sunset Shimmer when she was evil!”

“That was in another dimension, it doesn’t count- -”

The line moved forward. “You’re so fat, Celestia only hangs out with you to make herself look thin!”

This comment was incredibly hurtful. “I’m- -I’m not fat- -and neither is Celesitia, she’s just big-boned- -”

The next pony arrived. Or, rather, donkey. Cranky stared at her angrily, or at least as angrily as he ever did. “You’re purple,” he grumbled. “I don’t like it.” He then turned and left, leaving Twilight- -as well as the rest of the crowd- -confused.

Before Twilight could complain, the next pony- -Cheerilee- -arrived. “Your library has so many dust bunnies, Fluttershy has started feeding them!”

Twilight’s eyes widened. Insults concerning her were one thing, but insulting the library she had so carefully curated was over the line. The crowd seemed to realize this, and their energy changed.

The next one came. “You must know a thing or two about scoliosis, right?”

“Well, yes, it’s caused by- -”

“- -Because every book in your library has a bent spine!”

“NO!” screamed Twilight. “My books are straight! I care for them! I would never let them get bent like that!”

“Hey,” said the next in line. “Do you know why your books are bad at poker?”

“That doesn’t make any sense- -”

“Because all of the pages are FOLDED! In the CORNERS!”

Twilight screamed in agony. “NOOOO!!” she struggled and tried to escape. “Stop! STOP! Make it stop! Won’t somepony please HELP ME!”

The crowd only laughed at her, and a chant rose from it as the next pony took her place at the front. “Burn the witch! BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!!”

And so, the torment continued.