An Aprilly Time of Foalishnessby Skylarking the StargazerChaptersScrew Days"Screw the rules, you got bits!"Screw and LoseScr—ew?Screw YouSc...school?Screw DaysAuthor's Note So for this very special day of both Easter and April Fools, I decided to write this “very special story”... I’m kinda looking forward to those incoming downvotes, I really deserve a punch in the face Hope you (don’t) enjoy it! P.S. It’s better if the Young Six have their own category as characters rather than having to imply them as individual tags. Screw Days “Yo bitch get up!” But she didn’t, she was too concerned with her failures. Why did this have to happen? “Get up!” Not even a murmur, she was dead under her wet and soaked pillowed fortress. “I said: Get. The. Fuck. Up!” Spike was about to torment the alicorn with his green wicked flames, but was— “SIKED BITCH!” With a magical force field, Spike was sent flying across Twilight’s room, and knocked into the crystal wall, bleeding through the back of his head. “Holyshit... was that even necessary, you bastard?” “Shut yo sliced teeth tight. You honestly thought I gave much of a fuck about that stupid school? Hell I would’ve tore it down myself!” Spike scratched his head (and bled more). “So then, why did you construct it at first place?” “Uh, peer pressure?” Twilight shrugged. “Celestia was a bitch deadass telling me to teach a bunch of subponies and inferior walnut brained yaks and griffons. They can’t even keep their own people in check!” “Word, you have a point... Hey! Dragons aren’t inferior to ponies!” Twilight growled and brought Spike into her bloodthirsty face. “Did I ever mention dragon in my sentence? Learn to speak pony you fucking inferior waste of space.” “There you did it...” Spike facepalmed. “Operation discouraging tryhards is a go!” “Ay yo Twilight, you dumbass egghead!” Rainbow Dash soared in only to be levitated into the wall just like Spike had earlier. “i fraHavE eh schomtin to chell you!” “An egghead doesn’t talk to muscle-brained fools, go find someone else to play with.” “Exactly!” Applejack walked in followed by Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. “Wait, wasn’t Rainbow Dash supposed to say somethin’ first?” “Yeah, the first thing she’ll have to spit out is blood... and spit.” "Ah thought ya liked keepin' with the script." "Eh," Twilight shrugged again, "fuck no and fuck you." “Why are we even here?” Pinkie hopped around, with every one of them a malicious intent to break the floor beneath their hooves. “And my fucking hooves hurt bouncing like a dork.” “Yeah like deadass, darling.” Rarity spat. “I have to stick to some spoiled rich shithead voice from the city when I’m just a slum suburban who’s obsessed with shoes and clothing brands.” Everyone in the room stared at her with eyes wide open. “What son?” Rarity shrugged like Rainbow Dash whenever she was high. “Fluttershy’s even worse!” “Oh, so now you’re going to expose my nightly animal abuse event where I butcher up one of my cottage bumasses for dinner? Some friend you are!” “Uh, you know she didn’t imply any of what you just said, right?” “Rainbow, can you like fuck off?!” She grabbed the pegasus by the tail and swung her at high speed, and launched her across Equestria with a fine rainbow streaking behind her helpless body. “So... Twi,” Applejack whispered to the angry princess of fiasco, “we ain’t restoring that stupid school anymore?” “Well yeah, because fuck all of you!” She poured water all over her face to express tears (despite not even the slightest sign to cry), and ran off. "Screw the rules, you got bits!"Twilight groaned when she arrived to the now shutdown School of Friendship. Everything was supposed to be fine. She had followed the rules of EEA, and had a rich diversity of species outside of Equestria coming to learn about friendship. Now under the mask of failure, she could not bring herself back to progress as no other race trusted her anymore. “Can you like bring this building closer? I’m goddamn sick of the distance I have to walk just to even fucking get here.” Starlight yelled from behind. “Geesh, what a way to cheer somepony up, two-faced slut.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Listen sis, I have to tell you something real quick. So you better get some morpheus is fighting neo or else I ain’t repeating this shit twice.” “Okay, first of all, this isn’t any inappropriate situation. Second of all, you have a minging mullet.” Starlight looked up and brushed her mane. “The hell you smoking on, my hair’s straight—” “Gotcha bitch!” Starlight muttered under her breath, “I’ll get you next time, naffa-loving gecko.” “Anyway, as the sex offending counselor of this degraded school, I can offer you a couple of suggestions.” Twilight gasped, her eyes gleaming with delight. “Really?” “Don’t be an old hag sitting your ass at main office doing nothing.” Twilight gritted her teeth with bloodshot eyes. “How... nice of you...” “If you’re willing to turn me into a capitalist greedy hoe after a whole season of slavery and time fucking, then I don’t see why you can’t turn this place into your personal monopoly that deals with the black market." “Hmm, you have a point there.” Twilight held a hoof to her chin. “But the EEA will definitely overrule anything I have to say. So much for being a fucking princess.” “So? This ain’t fascism or totalitarian regime. You can tell them to suck your alicorn... uh, horn.” Twilight took out the EEA rulebook. “But the EEA said—” Starlight punched her in the throat and fired unnecessary magic beams onto the book, burning even the ashes to a crisp. “Fuck. The RULEBOOK! What kind of c-bomb are they pulling off anyway? They think you’re some doll that functions as a public facade while you giggle your gaggle on the bed with Shining Armor. Go up to their faces and tell them they have no shit over your stupid princess-of-friendshit headass!” “So you expect me to write my own rulebook?” “Obviously, retard.” Starlight snorted. “A purple couch potato who wastes her time reading books and acting like a stupid geek can definitely write a Hairy Potty Pants novel of rules that nopony even gives a shit or two.” “Alright bitch, you crossed the line right there.” Twilight soon beamed with joy. “But you’re right, it’s not about the process, but the reason why we offer such precious education to all races in and outside Equestria!” “Actually, my point was that you have the greatest share to own the EEA. How can you be a princess if you’re not rich?” “Wait, you knew I invest in the stock market?” Starlight nodded. “That’s way fucking easier than wasting a minute or two of screen-time just to convince Neighsay why you should reopen the school.” Fuming, Twilight knocked the unicorn into the water, hoping that she would drown. Screw and LoseAuthor's Note Before you ask what the chapter title is referring to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtHZdlX5G6E The background patient’s name is Screwloose. Screw and Lose “Alright alright brainless maniacs, can you all like chill out already?” Twilight tried to get the non-Equestria representatives’ attention. “I ain’t coolin’ shit if this fat fuck won’t dish me Smolder’s whiny ass!” Dragon Lord Ember viciously pointed an index claw as she confronted Prince Rutherford of Yakyakistan. “These uncultured central steppe nomads can be slick as motherfucking Garble!” “YAKS WILL SMASH YOU COCKY DRAGONS! INSIDE OR OUTSIDE!” “Thaaaat seemed a teeny bit inappropriate.” Thorax commented beside them, only to be responded with a hostility from a particular griffon. “Why do you stupid changeling cowards hide yourselves like goddamn pussies? I bet you kidnapped Gallus and made your henchman change into him!” “W-what? Why would I even do something that cruel? I thought you all recognized our reformation!” “Well then you got fucking siked, TO THE MAX!” Seaspray jumped in, expecting everyone to jump back and enrich the moment. Princess Luna smacked her face. “I wasn’t supposed to talk today, but this went entirely out of hoof.” Her sister nodded in agreement. Princess Celestia held out her two hooves over her head. She shut her eyelids in peace as she spoke. “My dearest Twilight, if you can ever find a way to keep the harmony in balance, this meeting shall prevail.” “W-what do you mean by that, Princess?” Twilight asked. Facehoofing, she immediately dropped the act. “That means tell them to shut the fuck up so they can stop annoying us.” “Oh...” Twilight clapped her hooves. “Now that makes much more sense!” Summoning a giant energy ball, Twilight’s eyes flashed before releasing the magic spell into the real world, destroying everything around the group. “Twilight, please count the number of survivors we have here.” As the alicorn counted, she noticed that one of the leaders was missing. She gasped. “Where’s Grampa Gruff?” She narrowed her eyes onto each of the leaders. “Oh thank goodness, you’re alive!” “No.” The griffon unraveled himself to be Thorax. “I just did that so I can piss Gruff off when he sees me.” “Speaking of Grampa Gruff, isn’t he over there?” Ember pointed at the decapitated head of the Griffonstone representative on one of the flattened marble pillars, dripping blood as they looked onwards. Twilight could not help but blush. “Oops... hehe...” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Forget about that old fuck, Gallus is probably happier without him anyway.” “So what’s important right now, is the fact that these six kids are missing and we have to locate where they are so we can retrieve them back safely.” “Listen, I don’t want yo dirty hooves touchin’ my Smolder once you bring her back! Call this contract done with.” “Okay Ember, whatever you say...” Twilight grumbled. “Shit, I think I just threw a fit. My back’s aching like hell.” “Here, Yak will help ya out Seaspray, like good Yak-loving allies should.” Rutherford swung an entire hoof with the diameter of a log (only more dense) onto the hippogryph’s back. “HOLY. FUCK!” And split his spine in two. Everybody in the castle gasped. Twilight was the first one to speak. “Prince Rutherford! What have you done?” “What? Yak tradition makes yak do what they do best!” He gave a wide grin that just seemed way too shady. “Well whatever your tradition is,” Ember replied, “must’ve had a history of second degree murders.” Rutherford fumed from his giant nostrils. She shrugged. “Guilty isn’t charged.” “So, Thorax.” Twilight awkwardly approached the changeling prince. “What is your say on our focus right now?” Thorax rubbed his chin. As soon as a bulb lit, he shapeshifted into Seaspray and dashed out of the castle. “I’ll be in charge of Seaquestria until he gets better!” Celestia stared at the unconscious body of the original hippogryph. “Nope Thorax, I think you’re stuck there forever...” Scr—ew?Author's Note The quoted part is the actual dialogue spoken from the premiere. Everything else was done on my own. Scr—ew? “Okay, let’s review what we already know.” Twilight said. Spike began pointing to an attendance sheet with the missing Young Six. “Smolder, Ocellus, Silverstream, Yona, and Gallus disappeared together.” He then turned back to the rest of Mane Six and Starlight Glimmer. “That’s all we know.” Applejack flung her hoof. “They probably just went off hidin’ somewhere.” “Unless they used some kind of spell to disappear.” Starlight replied worriedly. “Oooh, or went undercover!” “Maybe they were attacked by a ferocious shrimp! Nopony ever expects that!” Fluttershy gasped. “Shrimps can attack?” Pinkie Pie yanked upwards before poking the pegasus. “Nope! That’s why nopony expects it.” “HOLYSHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!” Before anyone can realize what was going on, Sandbar crashed through the door of Sugarcube Corner and knocked down a stack of prepared cupcakes on the floor. Rarity shrieked to the top of her lungs. “Jesus fuck, Sandbag!” “It’s Sandbar.” “Snicker bar! What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you high or some shit?” “Daaaaamn straight this mans on crack. I’m on that Tootsie bruhhhhh!” They awkwardly watched Sandbar picking himself, only to trip up and fall into a shelf of donuts. “Fuck me...” “What exactly did that kid even smoke on? We don’t make fucking weed here!” Rainbow Dash cried. “Ugh I must have had Angel force feed this kid Tree Hugger’s buds when he found me another animal to butcher for dinner.” Everyone turned around and glared at Fluttershy. “What? I checked up with Zecora to make sure the requirements were met for his age!” “Yo Pink panther!” Sandbar unconsciously yelled towards Pinkie Pie. “Felch me some of that vaginal juice you got from yesterday!” “Ewwwwww!” Everyone else grossed out. Attempting to defuse the tension, Pinkie quickly dashed over to the fallen colt and gripped him by the neck. Her smile could not be any wider than a murderous intent. “Don’t you mean... a fucking cupcake drilled up your ass because that’s the LAST CELESTIAFUCKING TIME I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT STUPID SHIT TO MY FACE?!” “Ya, heh heh...” Sandbar slid his tongue out with warm bits of saliva dripping down his belly. “Okie fucking dokie lokie...” She shoved an undamaged box of cupcakes down Sandbar’s throat, before sending him flying into the Everfree Forest with a hoof to his chin. Even then, Pinkamena Diane Pie would forever be traumatized with the unforgotten voice shrilling behind him as he soared in the air. “THAT’S FUCKING GREEEEEEEEN!!!!!” The mare rolled her eyes and slammed the door shut, growling, “From now on, I don’t want none of your stupid ass church giggles. Pretend that this never happened.” Screw You“Holyfuck! In the name of hippoheads and gryphin’ gyros! These stair things are AMAZING!” “Dude like chillax already, Silverstream, maybe you should just go and marry it or something.” Gallus replied, only to be rammed into by Yona and have his flank formed of two tiny holes full of blood. “Goddamn... can you watch where the fuck you’re going? You tardgasm-obsessed bitch.” “Yona listens to no one but herself!” The yak yowled. “Maybe if you were smart enough to hang on that torch lamp above me, you would’ve been safe rather than crying like an insecure little infant.” Ocellus commented. “This ain’t some fucking survival of the fittest. We're having a fucking banter!” Gallus cried. “How would you feel if you had some dumb whore rolling knives up your ass and bleeding?” “That’s because Yona likes new friends!” Yona grabbed Ocellus, Gallus and Smolder altogether for a tight group hug. Only to have the drakina shrieking and crying for war as she dove her claws into the yak’s face, tearing it off (metaphorically) in the process. Yona released them and bellowed in pain. She rolled across the floor, destroying ancient walls in the Castle of the Two Sisters. “Yikes... that must’ve hurt.” “Are you fucking kidding me Smolder?!” Silverstream cried out loud. “Whoa whoa whoa whoa that ain’t intentional or anything, it was only self defense—” “You buggin’ us out right there!” Gallus nervously flapped his wings as he raised his voice. "What if she accidentally fucks up the entire castle and clap our cheeks?" “Bro like, it was my natural dragon instinct—” "You done fucked up now girl." "I swear in the name of Dragon Empress Ember I didn't mean to do it!" “SMOLDER!” Silverstream cried again. “W-what...? I didn’t m-mean to hurt Yona. I-I-I-I-I’ll figure something out to heal her face—” “You should’ve tore out her fucking left ear, dumbass!” “Wait...” Smolder shook her head. “WHAT?” “Didn’t you know? She had ear infection!” “Yeah, Gallus and Silverstream are right.” Ocellus nodded as she flipped another page of Twilight’s historical textbooks. “Yona has a swimmer’s ear since her birth.” “Why didn’t any of y’all tell me that earlier?” “Because the whole bunch of you are special educated fools that killed my brain cells since we met two days ago.” Silverstream cawed in joy. “That voice, it must be Sandbar! He brought us the drugs and cider for eighteen years and up!” Smolder scratched her head. “Now that I think of it, is it okay to even consume those things at our age?” Gallus shrugged. “I mean, we kinda dipped school and shit, who gives a fuck now?” The Young Five stepped outside the castle, only to find a beat-up colt covered in cupcake cream and crumbs, wincing on the ground. “Uh, you okay there?” “Goddamn, I was trying to mack with Pink panther but she just smacked me back here.” “You are, pretty useless, you know?” Ocellus pointed out. “But who cares about him, we got cupcakes!” Silverstream leaped onto the cupcake creamed part of Sandbar, making him wince even more. “FANETOOOOOO!” “Word, you totally got finessed right there.” Gallus commented as he swiped a talon full of cream and licked it. “Yona loves sweets, that’s how she got big and strong!” “You mean, fat and unhealthy?” “Bitch!” Yona turned around to meet Ocellus’ gaze. “You like pretending to be other races!” The changeling shrugged. “The fact that you can’t even make a proper comeback in response to my true statement of you being obese shows how uneducated you and your people are. Ember was right whenever she called you people ‘nomads’.” Sandbar lifted his head up. “Oof! Damn girl, she got you right there.” “Get the fuck down so I can fetch the cupcake cream.” Silverstream said as she pinned Sandbar’s head into the dirt. Gallus nodded in agreement. “Wait Yona.” Smolder tapped the yak’s back. “Is your face better now?” “Yak says good looks!” “Aight bet!” The two proceeded to high five and renounce their friendship once more. “She’s still badly scarred, but cool as fuck I guess.” As they chatted and cheered, the Young Six were not aware of the incoming threat lurking in the bushes, that may cost them their lives forever... “Oh hey!” Silverstream pointed. “Are those puckwudgies?” Ocellus looked up from her book. “I thought none of you guys paid attention in class, but yeah those guys are pretty aggressive.” Sooner than they thought, more puckwudgies rolled out of the bushes, and aimed their quills at the children. “Oh fuck, that’s...” “Faneto.” Sc...school?“Yak is very happy because ponies brought Yona back in one piece!” Rutherford beamed. “Indeed, I have to say that’s very impressive of you all, caring about our children’s lives so dearly.” A badly injured Seaspray added. “Well, heh heh...” Twilight half-smiled, presenting the retrieved children in front of all the representatives minus Grampa Gruff. “It’s... uh, what we do!” “So is Thorax like, the new representative of those hippo scums?” Ember pointed at Thorax next to him. Thorax blushed and scratched his head. “You can say that I guess. I mean, I already got my brother to take over in case I’m away from regular duty.” Starlight snorted, “You mean that uglymon who catcalled me at night and tried to seduce Trixie? Who would even want to date a suicidal no-life like her? She should’ve just hanged herself rather than diving into a manticore!” Rainbow Dash widened her eyes. “Uh, aren’t you two like friends?” The unicorn grossed out. “Friends? Ugh please! She’s not worth any ounce of friendship! I’m only trying to acquire some of her magic tricks so I can conduct an experiment that will change the world forever.” “I mean... okay then...” Thorax was stunned by her shocking insult. Fluttershy leaned towards Starlight and whispered to her, “Um, Starlight, let’s not get too negative with them. It’s not nice if we’re on bad terms, right?” “Was I talking to you? Cock-juggling butter creamed thunder cunt!” Fluttershy frowned. “Alright sister, that was a drag. I’m begging you to stop—” “FUCKING CHANGELING MEAT TULIPS WATERY MOUTHFUL OF SEMEN GUZZLING COCK SUCKER!” “Wait, what does that even mean?” Thorax scratched his head. “It means you’re pretty handsome—” Fluttershy instantly digressed back to Thorax, “She was trying to say that your people produce much sexual intercourse for the sake of immoral acts rather than the future of your kind.” Everyone else shot glares at Fluttershy. “What? I like defining biology-related terms! Why else would I keep a bunch of furry breast-sucking mammals for?” “Okay Starlight, that does it! We changelings always had a purpose to thrive before your mother fed you milk!” He prepared to charge into the unicorn at full speed. “No! Hey! Shut up! It’s Spike Time—” Prince Rutherford stomped over the drake. “Yak no like diplomatic conflicts, but yak loves war!” He shoved Seaspray and Ember aside and charged towards Starlight and Thorax. “EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Twilight casted a spell to amplify her voice, leaving everybody else speechless in the dust. “I don’t care whether the first aunt of your second brother’s granddaughter had a blue waffle in her hairy axe wound”— “Isn’t that basically my niece?” Thorax asked the crowd. —“but if we can’t reopen this school due to some stupid international quarrel then Y’ALL CAN KISS MY MEAT FLAPS—” “What our dear Princess Twilight was trying to say,” Princess Celestia interrupted by stepping in front of her student, “is that we have to cooperate in order to properly spread friendship to each and every one of you. The benefit of that is to peacefully negotiate any foreign affairs that you all have with one another.” Ember nodded. “That’s dumb valid.” “Yak can’t agree more!” Rutherford stomped onto the ground. “Fair words, your highness.” Seaspray smiled. “Now I can get Prince Rutherford to fix my back without having to start a war.” “Well, I guess I can still peacefully represent for Griffonstone and Seaquestria... If General Seaspray and Grampa Gruffs won’t mind that is.” The changeling prince received a thumbs up from the hippogryph as he remained intact with the ground. As for the griffon, his detached head fell off the now blood-soaked pillar in agreement. “That’s fantastic!” Twilight smiled at the ultimate harmony being formed with the species. Her conclusion now is to break the seal that Chancellor Neighsay had casted when he shut down the EEA-uncredited school building— “HOLYSHIT WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FIRING THAT SPELL!” Too late, the orchid colored beam pierced right through Neighsay’s chest once he stepped out of the portal. As everyone gasped in horror, Twilight facehoofed and looked away. “Aren’t you supposed to arrive after I broke your seal?” The collapsed stallion coughed blood as he spoke. “W-well... I h-heard a loud scream coming from t-this a-a-area, s-s-so I decided to c-c-c-c-ch-ch-check—” “CAN YOU STOP STUTTERING FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE?!” “AND I CAME TO CHECK IF ANYTHING’S GOING WRONG BUT THIS SKERMIT BUSTED MY LOAD!” With that, Neighsay dropped his head onto the ground. Everyone around him and Twilight backed off silently. “Hehe!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Neighsay that he’s done fucked up now!” Quickly hovering Neighsay’s corpse into the lake, Twilight produced a spell to cover him so that his blood won’t be scented as he sank. As soon as she fixed her gaze on the rest of the crowd, she sweated at a rapid rate. “Why are you sweating off an assload?” “HeeeEEeEEEeEEEYYYyyYyyyYy!!!!” A familiar voice rang out from the curtains of the waterfall. It was Sandbar, covered this time with dirt and scratches. “S-Sandbar?” Every non-pony gasped. Princess Celestia and Luna subtly glared at Twilight, Starlight, Spike, and rest of Mane Six, who all each pointed hooves (and claws) at each other. The sisters sighed in disappointment. “Oh my goodness, you’re alive!” Thorax was the first to reach the injured colt. Ember quickly caught up and carried him back to the group. Heaving a sigh after witnessing the colt's safety, Twilight wiped her forehead. “Well, thank goodness—”' “Wait a second." Thorax scratched his head. "If Sandbar just arrived, then who is the Sandbar that was with us this whole time?” Realizing they’ve been exposed, the changelings quickly retrieved their normal forms and flew off into the sky, only to be shot down by the alicorns and Starlight. “Huh? I was looking for those guys ever since I became the ruler of my hive. How did they get here?” “Hey you, stupid looking doofus!” Ember walked towards the frightened colt. “You better tell us what happened or else you’ll regret it!” No response. Sandbar finally opened his mouth... and spat into Ember’s face. “I ain’t telling you no shit unless you smoke my sausage—” The Dragon Lord's torrent of flames was ready to penetrate through the little pony's head. “Sandbar.” Celestia joined up and gave Ember a handkerchief. “May you kindly tell us why everyone else went missing?” “Basically, your highness...” He began, “We were about to be attacked by these creatures called puckwudgies. When they fired their quills...” Everyone waited for the disastrous moment to strike upon them. “They missed all their shots.” They all sighed in relief. “But then Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere with her confetti cannon and blew them into Yona’s head. Rainbow Dash rammed into the Two Sister’s Castle and crushed Ocellus with the debris. Gallus was strangled to death by Applejack’s lasso because Rainbow Dash dared her to fight those guys blindfolded. Fluttershy was being useless by somehow encouraging the puckwudgies to continue assaulting us”— Fluttershy growled. “Well I guess I’m having puny little pony fuckheads for dinner tonight with fuckwudgie soup—” “—Twilight and Starlight had worse aim than the puckwudgies when they fired their spells at Smolder and Silverstream.” “Well then, what were Rarity and Spike doing?” “Nothing.” “Phew!” Rarity sighed in relief. “Thank goodness I refused to take part in such bloodbath—” “She was more concerned with her makeups and putting them on Spike than saving us.” “Fluttershy, darling...” Rarity bit her lips in anger. “Can I join you for this, pony feast tonight?” “You certainly may.” Fluttershy nodded in her most innocent grin. “WHAT BLASPHEMY! YAK NO LIKE THIS HORSESHIT!” “How could you just fucking kill our students like that?!” Ember roared with flames seething from her mouth. “Whoa, chillax!” Rainbow Dash shielded herself. “It was just an accident.” “Eeyup! Our intentions were kindhearted after all!” “We had so much fun playing with these cute animals!” “Partying is so much better with killing!” Twilight nodded in agreement. “Exactly! As long as everyone was happy, there is no problem at all— Wait, WHAT THE HAY DID Y’ALL JUST SAY?!” The Mane Six scratched their heads. Rainbow Dash awkwardly laughed by herself. “Well, maaaaaybe we did it a bit overboard... Heh heh.” “Oh fuck...”
Screw DaysAuthor's Note So for this very special day of both Easter and April Fools, I decided to write this “very special story”... I’m kinda looking forward to those incoming downvotes, I really deserve a punch in the face Hope you (don’t) enjoy it! P.S. It’s better if the Young Six have their own category as characters rather than having to imply them as individual tags. Screw Days “Yo bitch get up!” But she didn’t, she was too concerned with her failures. Why did this have to happen? “Get up!” Not even a murmur, she was dead under her wet and soaked pillowed fortress. “I said: Get. The. Fuck. Up!” Spike was about to torment the alicorn with his green wicked flames, but was— “SIKED BITCH!” With a magical force field, Spike was sent flying across Twilight’s room, and knocked into the crystal wall, bleeding through the back of his head. “Holyshit... was that even necessary, you bastard?” “Shut yo sliced teeth tight. You honestly thought I gave much of a fuck about that stupid school? Hell I would’ve tore it down myself!” Spike scratched his head (and bled more). “So then, why did you construct it at first place?” “Uh, peer pressure?” Twilight shrugged. “Celestia was a bitch deadass telling me to teach a bunch of subponies and inferior walnut brained yaks and griffons. They can’t even keep their own people in check!” “Word, you have a point... Hey! Dragons aren’t inferior to ponies!” Twilight growled and brought Spike into her bloodthirsty face. “Did I ever mention dragon in my sentence? Learn to speak pony you fucking inferior waste of space.” “There you did it...” Spike facepalmed. “Operation discouraging tryhards is a go!” “Ay yo Twilight, you dumbass egghead!” Rainbow Dash soared in only to be levitated into the wall just like Spike had earlier. “i fraHavE eh schomtin to chell you!” “An egghead doesn’t talk to muscle-brained fools, go find someone else to play with.” “Exactly!” Applejack walked in followed by Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. “Wait, wasn’t Rainbow Dash supposed to say somethin’ first?” “Yeah, the first thing she’ll have to spit out is blood... and spit.” "Ah thought ya liked keepin' with the script." "Eh," Twilight shrugged again, "fuck no and fuck you." “Why are we even here?” Pinkie hopped around, with every one of them a malicious intent to break the floor beneath their hooves. “And my fucking hooves hurt bouncing like a dork.” “Yeah like deadass, darling.” Rarity spat. “I have to stick to some spoiled rich shithead voice from the city when I’m just a slum suburban who’s obsessed with shoes and clothing brands.” Everyone in the room stared at her with eyes wide open. “What son?” Rarity shrugged like Rainbow Dash whenever she was high. “Fluttershy’s even worse!” “Oh, so now you’re going to expose my nightly animal abuse event where I butcher up one of my cottage bumasses for dinner? Some friend you are!” “Uh, you know she didn’t imply any of what you just said, right?” “Rainbow, can you like fuck off?!” She grabbed the pegasus by the tail and swung her at high speed, and launched her across Equestria with a fine rainbow streaking behind her helpless body. “So... Twi,” Applejack whispered to the angry princess of fiasco, “we ain’t restoring that stupid school anymore?” “Well yeah, because fuck all of you!” She poured water all over her face to express tears (despite not even the slightest sign to cry), and ran off.
"Screw the rules, you got bits!"Twilight groaned when she arrived to the now shutdown School of Friendship. Everything was supposed to be fine. She had followed the rules of EEA, and had a rich diversity of species outside of Equestria coming to learn about friendship. Now under the mask of failure, she could not bring herself back to progress as no other race trusted her anymore. “Can you like bring this building closer? I’m goddamn sick of the distance I have to walk just to even fucking get here.” Starlight yelled from behind. “Geesh, what a way to cheer somepony up, two-faced slut.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Listen sis, I have to tell you something real quick. So you better get some morpheus is fighting neo or else I ain’t repeating this shit twice.” “Okay, first of all, this isn’t any inappropriate situation. Second of all, you have a minging mullet.” Starlight looked up and brushed her mane. “The hell you smoking on, my hair’s straight—” “Gotcha bitch!” Starlight muttered under her breath, “I’ll get you next time, naffa-loving gecko.” “Anyway, as the sex offending counselor of this degraded school, I can offer you a couple of suggestions.” Twilight gasped, her eyes gleaming with delight. “Really?” “Don’t be an old hag sitting your ass at main office doing nothing.” Twilight gritted her teeth with bloodshot eyes. “How... nice of you...” “If you’re willing to turn me into a capitalist greedy hoe after a whole season of slavery and time fucking, then I don’t see why you can’t turn this place into your personal monopoly that deals with the black market." “Hmm, you have a point there.” Twilight held a hoof to her chin. “But the EEA will definitely overrule anything I have to say. So much for being a fucking princess.” “So? This ain’t fascism or totalitarian regime. You can tell them to suck your alicorn... uh, horn.” Twilight took out the EEA rulebook. “But the EEA said—” Starlight punched her in the throat and fired unnecessary magic beams onto the book, burning even the ashes to a crisp. “Fuck. The RULEBOOK! What kind of c-bomb are they pulling off anyway? They think you’re some doll that functions as a public facade while you giggle your gaggle on the bed with Shining Armor. Go up to their faces and tell them they have no shit over your stupid princess-of-friendshit headass!” “So you expect me to write my own rulebook?” “Obviously, retard.” Starlight snorted. “A purple couch potato who wastes her time reading books and acting like a stupid geek can definitely write a Hairy Potty Pants novel of rules that nopony even gives a shit or two.” “Alright bitch, you crossed the line right there.” Twilight soon beamed with joy. “But you’re right, it’s not about the process, but the reason why we offer such precious education to all races in and outside Equestria!” “Actually, my point was that you have the greatest share to own the EEA. How can you be a princess if you’re not rich?” “Wait, you knew I invest in the stock market?” Starlight nodded. “That’s way fucking easier than wasting a minute or two of screen-time just to convince Neighsay why you should reopen the school.” Fuming, Twilight knocked the unicorn into the water, hoping that she would drown.
Screw and LoseAuthor's Note Before you ask what the chapter title is referring to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtHZdlX5G6E The background patient’s name is Screwloose. Screw and Lose “Alright alright brainless maniacs, can you all like chill out already?” Twilight tried to get the non-Equestria representatives’ attention. “I ain’t coolin’ shit if this fat fuck won’t dish me Smolder’s whiny ass!” Dragon Lord Ember viciously pointed an index claw as she confronted Prince Rutherford of Yakyakistan. “These uncultured central steppe nomads can be slick as motherfucking Garble!” “YAKS WILL SMASH YOU COCKY DRAGONS! INSIDE OR OUTSIDE!” “Thaaaat seemed a teeny bit inappropriate.” Thorax commented beside them, only to be responded with a hostility from a particular griffon. “Why do you stupid changeling cowards hide yourselves like goddamn pussies? I bet you kidnapped Gallus and made your henchman change into him!” “W-what? Why would I even do something that cruel? I thought you all recognized our reformation!” “Well then you got fucking siked, TO THE MAX!” Seaspray jumped in, expecting everyone to jump back and enrich the moment. Princess Luna smacked her face. “I wasn’t supposed to talk today, but this went entirely out of hoof.” Her sister nodded in agreement. Princess Celestia held out her two hooves over her head. She shut her eyelids in peace as she spoke. “My dearest Twilight, if you can ever find a way to keep the harmony in balance, this meeting shall prevail.” “W-what do you mean by that, Princess?” Twilight asked. Facehoofing, she immediately dropped the act. “That means tell them to shut the fuck up so they can stop annoying us.” “Oh...” Twilight clapped her hooves. “Now that makes much more sense!” Summoning a giant energy ball, Twilight’s eyes flashed before releasing the magic spell into the real world, destroying everything around the group. “Twilight, please count the number of survivors we have here.” As the alicorn counted, she noticed that one of the leaders was missing. She gasped. “Where’s Grampa Gruff?” She narrowed her eyes onto each of the leaders. “Oh thank goodness, you’re alive!” “No.” The griffon unraveled himself to be Thorax. “I just did that so I can piss Gruff off when he sees me.” “Speaking of Grampa Gruff, isn’t he over there?” Ember pointed at the decapitated head of the Griffonstone representative on one of the flattened marble pillars, dripping blood as they looked onwards. Twilight could not help but blush. “Oops... hehe...” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Forget about that old fuck, Gallus is probably happier without him anyway.” “So what’s important right now, is the fact that these six kids are missing and we have to locate where they are so we can retrieve them back safely.” “Listen, I don’t want yo dirty hooves touchin’ my Smolder once you bring her back! Call this contract done with.” “Okay Ember, whatever you say...” Twilight grumbled. “Shit, I think I just threw a fit. My back’s aching like hell.” “Here, Yak will help ya out Seaspray, like good Yak-loving allies should.” Rutherford swung an entire hoof with the diameter of a log (only more dense) onto the hippogryph’s back. “HOLY. FUCK!” And split his spine in two. Everybody in the castle gasped. Twilight was the first one to speak. “Prince Rutherford! What have you done?” “What? Yak tradition makes yak do what they do best!” He gave a wide grin that just seemed way too shady. “Well whatever your tradition is,” Ember replied, “must’ve had a history of second degree murders.” Rutherford fumed from his giant nostrils. She shrugged. “Guilty isn’t charged.” “So, Thorax.” Twilight awkwardly approached the changeling prince. “What is your say on our focus right now?” Thorax rubbed his chin. As soon as a bulb lit, he shapeshifted into Seaspray and dashed out of the castle. “I’ll be in charge of Seaquestria until he gets better!” Celestia stared at the unconscious body of the original hippogryph. “Nope Thorax, I think you’re stuck there forever...”
Scr—ew?Author's Note The quoted part is the actual dialogue spoken from the premiere. Everything else was done on my own. Scr—ew? “Okay, let’s review what we already know.” Twilight said. Spike began pointing to an attendance sheet with the missing Young Six. “Smolder, Ocellus, Silverstream, Yona, and Gallus disappeared together.” He then turned back to the rest of Mane Six and Starlight Glimmer. “That’s all we know.” Applejack flung her hoof. “They probably just went off hidin’ somewhere.” “Unless they used some kind of spell to disappear.” Starlight replied worriedly. “Oooh, or went undercover!” “Maybe they were attacked by a ferocious shrimp! Nopony ever expects that!” Fluttershy gasped. “Shrimps can attack?” Pinkie Pie yanked upwards before poking the pegasus. “Nope! That’s why nopony expects it.” “HOLYSHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!” Before anyone can realize what was going on, Sandbar crashed through the door of Sugarcube Corner and knocked down a stack of prepared cupcakes on the floor. Rarity shrieked to the top of her lungs. “Jesus fuck, Sandbag!” “It’s Sandbar.” “Snicker bar! What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you high or some shit?” “Daaaaamn straight this mans on crack. I’m on that Tootsie bruhhhhh!” They awkwardly watched Sandbar picking himself, only to trip up and fall into a shelf of donuts. “Fuck me...” “What exactly did that kid even smoke on? We don’t make fucking weed here!” Rainbow Dash cried. “Ugh I must have had Angel force feed this kid Tree Hugger’s buds when he found me another animal to butcher for dinner.” Everyone turned around and glared at Fluttershy. “What? I checked up with Zecora to make sure the requirements were met for his age!” “Yo Pink panther!” Sandbar unconsciously yelled towards Pinkie Pie. “Felch me some of that vaginal juice you got from yesterday!” “Ewwwwww!” Everyone else grossed out. Attempting to defuse the tension, Pinkie quickly dashed over to the fallen colt and gripped him by the neck. Her smile could not be any wider than a murderous intent. “Don’t you mean... a fucking cupcake drilled up your ass because that’s the LAST CELESTIAFUCKING TIME I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT STUPID SHIT TO MY FACE?!” “Ya, heh heh...” Sandbar slid his tongue out with warm bits of saliva dripping down his belly. “Okie fucking dokie lokie...” She shoved an undamaged box of cupcakes down Sandbar’s throat, before sending him flying into the Everfree Forest with a hoof to his chin. Even then, Pinkamena Diane Pie would forever be traumatized with the unforgotten voice shrilling behind him as he soared in the air. “THAT’S FUCKING GREEEEEEEEN!!!!!” The mare rolled her eyes and slammed the door shut, growling, “From now on, I don’t want none of your stupid ass church giggles. Pretend that this never happened.”
Screw You“Holyfuck! In the name of hippoheads and gryphin’ gyros! These stair things are AMAZING!” “Dude like chillax already, Silverstream, maybe you should just go and marry it or something.” Gallus replied, only to be rammed into by Yona and have his flank formed of two tiny holes full of blood. “Goddamn... can you watch where the fuck you’re going? You tardgasm-obsessed bitch.” “Yona listens to no one but herself!” The yak yowled. “Maybe if you were smart enough to hang on that torch lamp above me, you would’ve been safe rather than crying like an insecure little infant.” Ocellus commented. “This ain’t some fucking survival of the fittest. We're having a fucking banter!” Gallus cried. “How would you feel if you had some dumb whore rolling knives up your ass and bleeding?” “That’s because Yona likes new friends!” Yona grabbed Ocellus, Gallus and Smolder altogether for a tight group hug. Only to have the drakina shrieking and crying for war as she dove her claws into the yak’s face, tearing it off (metaphorically) in the process. Yona released them and bellowed in pain. She rolled across the floor, destroying ancient walls in the Castle of the Two Sisters. “Yikes... that must’ve hurt.” “Are you fucking kidding me Smolder?!” Silverstream cried out loud. “Whoa whoa whoa whoa that ain’t intentional or anything, it was only self defense—” “You buggin’ us out right there!” Gallus nervously flapped his wings as he raised his voice. "What if she accidentally fucks up the entire castle and clap our cheeks?" “Bro like, it was my natural dragon instinct—” "You done fucked up now girl." "I swear in the name of Dragon Empress Ember I didn't mean to do it!" “SMOLDER!” Silverstream cried again. “W-what...? I didn’t m-mean to hurt Yona. I-I-I-I-I’ll figure something out to heal her face—” “You should’ve tore out her fucking left ear, dumbass!” “Wait...” Smolder shook her head. “WHAT?” “Didn’t you know? She had ear infection!” “Yeah, Gallus and Silverstream are right.” Ocellus nodded as she flipped another page of Twilight’s historical textbooks. “Yona has a swimmer’s ear since her birth.” “Why didn’t any of y’all tell me that earlier?” “Because the whole bunch of you are special educated fools that killed my brain cells since we met two days ago.” Silverstream cawed in joy. “That voice, it must be Sandbar! He brought us the drugs and cider for eighteen years and up!” Smolder scratched her head. “Now that I think of it, is it okay to even consume those things at our age?” Gallus shrugged. “I mean, we kinda dipped school and shit, who gives a fuck now?” The Young Five stepped outside the castle, only to find a beat-up colt covered in cupcake cream and crumbs, wincing on the ground. “Uh, you okay there?” “Goddamn, I was trying to mack with Pink panther but she just smacked me back here.” “You are, pretty useless, you know?” Ocellus pointed out. “But who cares about him, we got cupcakes!” Silverstream leaped onto the cupcake creamed part of Sandbar, making him wince even more. “FANETOOOOOO!” “Word, you totally got finessed right there.” Gallus commented as he swiped a talon full of cream and licked it. “Yona loves sweets, that’s how she got big and strong!” “You mean, fat and unhealthy?” “Bitch!” Yona turned around to meet Ocellus’ gaze. “You like pretending to be other races!” The changeling shrugged. “The fact that you can’t even make a proper comeback in response to my true statement of you being obese shows how uneducated you and your people are. Ember was right whenever she called you people ‘nomads’.” Sandbar lifted his head up. “Oof! Damn girl, she got you right there.” “Get the fuck down so I can fetch the cupcake cream.” Silverstream said as she pinned Sandbar’s head into the dirt. Gallus nodded in agreement. “Wait Yona.” Smolder tapped the yak’s back. “Is your face better now?” “Yak says good looks!” “Aight bet!” The two proceeded to high five and renounce their friendship once more. “She’s still badly scarred, but cool as fuck I guess.” As they chatted and cheered, the Young Six were not aware of the incoming threat lurking in the bushes, that may cost them their lives forever... “Oh hey!” Silverstream pointed. “Are those puckwudgies?” Ocellus looked up from her book. “I thought none of you guys paid attention in class, but yeah those guys are pretty aggressive.” Sooner than they thought, more puckwudgies rolled out of the bushes, and aimed their quills at the children. “Oh fuck, that’s...” “Faneto.”
Sc...school?“Yak is very happy because ponies brought Yona back in one piece!” Rutherford beamed. “Indeed, I have to say that’s very impressive of you all, caring about our children’s lives so dearly.” A badly injured Seaspray added. “Well, heh heh...” Twilight half-smiled, presenting the retrieved children in front of all the representatives minus Grampa Gruff. “It’s... uh, what we do!” “So is Thorax like, the new representative of those hippo scums?” Ember pointed at Thorax next to him. Thorax blushed and scratched his head. “You can say that I guess. I mean, I already got my brother to take over in case I’m away from regular duty.” Starlight snorted, “You mean that uglymon who catcalled me at night and tried to seduce Trixie? Who would even want to date a suicidal no-life like her? She should’ve just hanged herself rather than diving into a manticore!” Rainbow Dash widened her eyes. “Uh, aren’t you two like friends?” The unicorn grossed out. “Friends? Ugh please! She’s not worth any ounce of friendship! I’m only trying to acquire some of her magic tricks so I can conduct an experiment that will change the world forever.” “I mean... okay then...” Thorax was stunned by her shocking insult. Fluttershy leaned towards Starlight and whispered to her, “Um, Starlight, let’s not get too negative with them. It’s not nice if we’re on bad terms, right?” “Was I talking to you? Cock-juggling butter creamed thunder cunt!” Fluttershy frowned. “Alright sister, that was a drag. I’m begging you to stop—” “FUCKING CHANGELING MEAT TULIPS WATERY MOUTHFUL OF SEMEN GUZZLING COCK SUCKER!” “Wait, what does that even mean?” Thorax scratched his head. “It means you’re pretty handsome—” Fluttershy instantly digressed back to Thorax, “She was trying to say that your people produce much sexual intercourse for the sake of immoral acts rather than the future of your kind.” Everyone else shot glares at Fluttershy. “What? I like defining biology-related terms! Why else would I keep a bunch of furry breast-sucking mammals for?” “Okay Starlight, that does it! We changelings always had a purpose to thrive before your mother fed you milk!” He prepared to charge into the unicorn at full speed. “No! Hey! Shut up! It’s Spike Time—” Prince Rutherford stomped over the drake. “Yak no like diplomatic conflicts, but yak loves war!” He shoved Seaspray and Ember aside and charged towards Starlight and Thorax. “EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Twilight casted a spell to amplify her voice, leaving everybody else speechless in the dust. “I don’t care whether the first aunt of your second brother’s granddaughter had a blue waffle in her hairy axe wound”— “Isn’t that basically my niece?” Thorax asked the crowd. —“but if we can’t reopen this school due to some stupid international quarrel then Y’ALL CAN KISS MY MEAT FLAPS—” “What our dear Princess Twilight was trying to say,” Princess Celestia interrupted by stepping in front of her student, “is that we have to cooperate in order to properly spread friendship to each and every one of you. The benefit of that is to peacefully negotiate any foreign affairs that you all have with one another.” Ember nodded. “That’s dumb valid.” “Yak can’t agree more!” Rutherford stomped onto the ground. “Fair words, your highness.” Seaspray smiled. “Now I can get Prince Rutherford to fix my back without having to start a war.” “Well, I guess I can still peacefully represent for Griffonstone and Seaquestria... If General Seaspray and Grampa Gruffs won’t mind that is.” The changeling prince received a thumbs up from the hippogryph as he remained intact with the ground. As for the griffon, his detached head fell off the now blood-soaked pillar in agreement. “That’s fantastic!” Twilight smiled at the ultimate harmony being formed with the species. Her conclusion now is to break the seal that Chancellor Neighsay had casted when he shut down the EEA-uncredited school building— “HOLYSHIT WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FIRING THAT SPELL!” Too late, the orchid colored beam pierced right through Neighsay’s chest once he stepped out of the portal. As everyone gasped in horror, Twilight facehoofed and looked away. “Aren’t you supposed to arrive after I broke your seal?” The collapsed stallion coughed blood as he spoke. “W-well... I h-heard a loud scream coming from t-this a-a-area, s-s-so I decided to c-c-c-c-ch-ch-check—” “CAN YOU STOP STUTTERING FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE?!” “AND I CAME TO CHECK IF ANYTHING’S GOING WRONG BUT THIS SKERMIT BUSTED MY LOAD!” With that, Neighsay dropped his head onto the ground. Everyone around him and Twilight backed off silently. “Hehe!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Neighsay that he’s done fucked up now!” Quickly hovering Neighsay’s corpse into the lake, Twilight produced a spell to cover him so that his blood won’t be scented as he sank. As soon as she fixed her gaze on the rest of the crowd, she sweated at a rapid rate. “Why are you sweating off an assload?” “HeeeEEeEEEeEEEYYYyyYyyyYy!!!!” A familiar voice rang out from the curtains of the waterfall. It was Sandbar, covered this time with dirt and scratches. “S-Sandbar?” Every non-pony gasped. Princess Celestia and Luna subtly glared at Twilight, Starlight, Spike, and rest of Mane Six, who all each pointed hooves (and claws) at each other. The sisters sighed in disappointment. “Oh my goodness, you’re alive!” Thorax was the first to reach the injured colt. Ember quickly caught up and carried him back to the group. Heaving a sigh after witnessing the colt's safety, Twilight wiped her forehead. “Well, thank goodness—”' “Wait a second." Thorax scratched his head. "If Sandbar just arrived, then who is the Sandbar that was with us this whole time?” Realizing they’ve been exposed, the changelings quickly retrieved their normal forms and flew off into the sky, only to be shot down by the alicorns and Starlight. “Huh? I was looking for those guys ever since I became the ruler of my hive. How did they get here?” “Hey you, stupid looking doofus!” Ember walked towards the frightened colt. “You better tell us what happened or else you’ll regret it!” No response. Sandbar finally opened his mouth... and spat into Ember’s face. “I ain’t telling you no shit unless you smoke my sausage—” The Dragon Lord's torrent of flames was ready to penetrate through the little pony's head. “Sandbar.” Celestia joined up and gave Ember a handkerchief. “May you kindly tell us why everyone else went missing?” “Basically, your highness...” He began, “We were about to be attacked by these creatures called puckwudgies. When they fired their quills...” Everyone waited for the disastrous moment to strike upon them. “They missed all their shots.” They all sighed in relief. “But then Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere with her confetti cannon and blew them into Yona’s head. Rainbow Dash rammed into the Two Sister’s Castle and crushed Ocellus with the debris. Gallus was strangled to death by Applejack’s lasso because Rainbow Dash dared her to fight those guys blindfolded. Fluttershy was being useless by somehow encouraging the puckwudgies to continue assaulting us”— Fluttershy growled. “Well I guess I’m having puny little pony fuckheads for dinner tonight with fuckwudgie soup—” “—Twilight and Starlight had worse aim than the puckwudgies when they fired their spells at Smolder and Silverstream.” “Well then, what were Rarity and Spike doing?” “Nothing.” “Phew!” Rarity sighed in relief. “Thank goodness I refused to take part in such bloodbath—” “She was more concerned with her makeups and putting them on Spike than saving us.” “Fluttershy, darling...” Rarity bit her lips in anger. “Can I join you for this, pony feast tonight?” “You certainly may.” Fluttershy nodded in her most innocent grin. “WHAT BLASPHEMY! YAK NO LIKE THIS HORSESHIT!” “How could you just fucking kill our students like that?!” Ember roared with flames seething from her mouth. “Whoa, chillax!” Rainbow Dash shielded herself. “It was just an accident.” “Eeyup! Our intentions were kindhearted after all!” “We had so much fun playing with these cute animals!” “Partying is so much better with killing!” Twilight nodded in agreement. “Exactly! As long as everyone was happy, there is no problem at all— Wait, WHAT THE HAY DID Y’ALL JUST SAY?!” The Mane Six scratched their heads. Rainbow Dash awkwardly laughed by herself. “Well, maaaaaybe we did it a bit overboard... Heh heh.” “Oh fuck...”
