Author's Note
No porn in this chapter, just a setup for the plot of the rest of the story.
Prologue: Deliver Us
It had been many years since the King Gaystavus Adainnfous crossed the northern sea and invaded Equestria with his army of mighty of Caribouleans. After raping everything in sight, the caribou enslaved every mare and filly and established themselves as the new rulers of the land. They tore down all monuments and forced the ponies they had enslaved to rebuild them in their image, baking brick and hauling stone slabs while wearing sexy bondage collars and constantly being whipped.
The sex crimes of the caribou are well documented elsewhere, and there is no need to recount them in detail because they are not the focus of this story. Instead, this is a chronicle of their victims, namely those who were lucky enough to escape. How did they escape? Well, that is an interesting question, considering just how many caribou resettled there. Neither their invasion nor the survivors’ escape happened by chance or by force, but with permission; the first wave of caribou were welcomed to Equestria with open hooves because they claimed they were refugees. The powers that be were keen on promoting an open, tolerant, and diverse society, so they spread the caribou diaspora far and wide throughout their country, dismissed tensions as the fault of their backwards citizenry, and swept all signs of trouble under the rug. It wasn’t until the caribou population was large enough that the invasion began in earnest…
Years later, all ponies paid the price of their leaders’ delusions. At first, they had hoped that this would only be temporary, that someday their kin would rise up against the invaders and drive them out. However, most of the males had been brainwashed into adopting the caribous’ twisted beliefs as their own. Those who remained were either too weak to do anything, or held such strong grudges against the mares due to past abuse that they no longer cared. The mares gradually began to lose hope until all seemed lost, consigning themselves to their fate…
But some retained hope. Knowing that such injustice as that wrought by the caribou could not be sustained by the karmatic balance of the universe, they reassured themselves that a deity of some sort would intervene. But as the years passed, many of them lost their faith and succumbed to the nihilism of their sisters. Yet one pony continued to pray every night (in secret, of course) that a deity might one day free her people from their masters. The caribou called her ‘Toothpaste,’ but her real name was Minuette.
One night, Minuette managed to escape her bindings using a concealed file and some self-taught lockpicking skills. Her ‘master,’ Lord Flankroh Reinsees, was careless and somewhat stupid, and suspected nothing from his ordinarily obedient slave. Minuette lived in hiding for a while, still praying every night to the deity who she believed had aided in her escape, until one night He spoke to her through a burning dumpster fire and told her to go and confront the King of the caribou. So she did.
“Let my ponies go!” she cried.
“No,” he said. “I will never let my ponies go!”
So Minuette’s God covered Equestria with a plague of frog memes. Then a plague of locust memes. Then finally a plague of ChlamidyAIDS which infected every caribou who fucked a pony. But despite all this, the King did not relent. So Minuette just up and left, taking slightly more than three dozen ponies with her, a group which consisted mostly of secondary characters and background ponies who together would come to be called ‘The Lucky 38.’
There were a bunch of mountains blocking them from escaping to the south, so they kinda just went to the southeast instead. But of course the caribou didn’t want a bunch of their pony slaves escaping (as it could set a precedent!), so the caribou King sent Lord Flankroh to go after them with an army of chariots (pulled by enslaved ponies).
Lord Flankroh managed to pin them down against the Dongube river near the town of Budarapist, and seeing that the ponies didn’t have any boats, all seemed lost. But then a miracle happened: Minuette called upon the power of her God to open a path between the waters of the river. The waters parted like a mouth opening up for a dental exam, and the ponies passed through along the riverbed and walls of parted water that looked like bristles on a toothbrush. The caribou and their pony slaves stared in awe with their mouths agape like they were having their teeth cleaned long enough for the escapees to run through. Then, after getting his bearings, Lord Flankroh ordered his chariots to charge. Knowing their friends needed all the time they could get, the ponies pulling their chariots refused to budge, causing the caribou drivers to whip them profusely until the pain became too unbearable.
However, just as you are probably expecting, the walls of water closed in, drowning all of them. Minuette and her refugees took a moment of silence to honor the sacrifice of those brave little chariot ponies who sacrificed their lives so the Lucky 38 could be free. Then they skedaddled toward the land of milf and honey their God had promised them.
After several days, they reached a long, thin valley along the river Dnicker.
“Are we there yet?” a pony asked.
“I think so,” replied Minuette. “But we need to double-check.”
Minuette chose the twelve ponies in the group who she believed were the most trustworthy: Cherry Berry, Sunny Flare, Lemon Zest, Lyra Heartstrings, Sweetie Drops (aka Bon Bon), Derpy Hooves, Lightning Bolt, Roseluck, Vinyl Scratch, Tree Hugger, Berry Punch, and Moondancer. These twelve ponies traveled the length of the valley up to the sea at the other end and then returned, reporting that the land was very fertile and would make for a good home, but it was inhabited by roving giant ponies.
“Giant ponies, eh?” said Minuette wryly. “Well, we need that land. Kill them.”
So the ponies did kill the giants, mostly using stealth and subterfuge to alleviate the difference in strength. Once the giants were all killed, Minuette inquired of the twelve whether or not the giants could be used for food.
“Indeed they can,” replied Bon Bon. “Real ponies don’t grow that large, so it probably doesn’t count as cannibalism.”
“If we salt the meat and store it in covered pits, it could feed the whole herd for a few months,” Moondancer added.
So Minuette ordered that the meat be harvested from the giant ponies’ corpses, salt gathered from the sea, and stored it in pits.
“There, it’s now complete,” said Minuette, observing the fruits of her followers’ labor. “Excellent work.”
“Tree Hugger, Roseluck, and I have just finished surveying the land,” said Moondancer. “There isn’t much space between the mountains and the river on this side, but there’s plenty of room for farming and housing, provided we clear the land first.”
“Excellent,” said Minuette. “The first things we should do are to build some shelters and gather supplies for winter, as well as erecting shrines to honor the God who has delivered us here, so that He may continue to protect and guide us.”
“’God?’ As in, singular?” asked Derpy with bewilderment.
“’God,’ as in, supernatural deity?” asked Moondancer with skepticism.
“Yes, ‘God’ as in a singular supernatural deity,” answered Minuette. “What else could have explained the miracle of our coming here? The Flying Spaghetti Monster has delivered us to this place with his noodly appendages, and we should be grateful!”
There were a few snickers and groans from the assembled crowd, but mostly just blank stares and bewilderment.
“Now hang on, Ima go up this mountain to talk to Him and get some directions,” Minuette said.
“Wait, before you go--” said Lightning Bolt, “There’s something I want to bring to your attention… in private.”
“Well okay then,” said Minuette, and they went away from the group and hid inside a thicket.
“Now what is it?”
“Well,…” Lightning Bolt began nervously, “Just recently, I found some of this on the ground.”
Lightning Bolt produced a leaf containing a mysterious cloudy white substance with a distinctive smell.
Minuette gasped.
“Is this… what I think it is?”
“I don’t know,” Lightning Bolt replied. “But I wanted to bring it to your attention.”
“Tell me, Lightning Bolt, are there any males in our little herd?” Minuette asked.
“Not that I know of,” Lightning Bolt replied. “Which is why I brought this to your attention. If this is what I think it is, then it could have only been produced by one thing: a big, fat, throbbing--”
Minuette covered Lightning’s mouth.
“Quiet, somepony might hear you!” she said.
Lightning gently removed Minuette’s hoof.
“Sorry,” said Lightning. “But I think we just might have, you know, one of those in our midst.”
“If there is indeed a male hiding among our herd,…” Minuette began, but couldn’t finish her sentence.
“…then it is very likely that… ‘he’… could be a spy!” Lightning finished, shuddering as she said the male pronoun.
“A spy for the caribou, no doubt,” said Minuette. “Hmmm…. This place was supposed to be a sanctuary from those douchebags. If they know where we are, they’ll be back—in force.”
“Which is why I was so concerned,” said Lightning. “What are we going to do?”
“Let me think it over as I climb the mountain,” Minuette replied. “If our Savior, the Lord of Linguini, does not give us advice, then I shall have to take the matter into my own hooves. Assemble a meeting of the Twelve Apostles when I return.”
“It will be done,” said Lightning Dust. “Farewell, and Spaghettispeed.”
Minuette ascended the mountain, where she waited for a few days and nights. Finally, the Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke with her and delivered upon her a set of tablets inscribed with His divine rules. There were five Commandments inscribed on each tablet, but instead of ten there were a hundred. That meant that Minuette had to carry twenty tablets down the mountain. However, when she returned only to find her herd was now worshipping a statue of a golden calf, she was infuriated as she knew the FSM did not resemble a cow in any way, shape, or form.
