Bamboozled again!

by Theboxcatgamr

Rating: teen
Tags: Self Insert, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Death, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Prince Blueblood, Comedy
Length: 55844

Ok I’m gonna make this as easy as possible for you. Bug thing stealing glowing cube is bad, I have rather poor aim with my gun, and now I’m on a bug hunt. Oh I’ll find her... and I will do it with the power of my birth right...BAMBOOZLEMENT!

It was a jolly good time for me just shooting at random crap I found in the junkyard until I found a box. I said screw it and prepared to unload a round into it and all of a sudden a green portal looking thing just popped in front of me and I heard something coming out the other end. Naturally I investigated and found a rather unwelcome sight...spiders...and since I panicked and interrupted the monologue of the cartoony bug queen thing and scared it off with the power of standing there...menacingly it ran into the portal and left me pacing around. Will I follow after her? Probably not since I hear some voices on the other end of the portal. Just kidding

HA! You my good sir have been bamboozled!
Or have you? I don't know?

Author: theboxcatgamr
Co-author: JohnstoneT

Inspired by: if this is hell I’ve been a good boy, my family’s special brand of insanity that runs through our vain’s, my friends from school, depression(hooray for self loathing!),the inventor of the cheese wheel, that one soldier who deadass shot hitler in the balls, my side ho doctor pepper, my main ho Mountain Dew, and finally- the amount of gay (*bisexual) that I am

References to sex and sex jokes are present but this ain't no clopfic

Death tag is for death actually being a character

ACT ONE: bamboozling beginnings (chapters 1-17)
ACT TWO: kerfufeling continuum (chapters 18-23)
ACT THREE: clear cut confusion {chapters 24-32}
ACT FOUR: The beginning of the end of the beginning {chapters 33-44}
ACT FIVE: tyranny {chapters 45-50}
ACT SIX: bamboozles end {chapters 51-???

If you like this leave a comment or not :/

If you don't like it could you please give me a reason why?

Special thanks to my boy's Alex,Gavin and JohnstoneT.

Published 2018-04-03 22:40:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-17 16:32:05 UTC

chapter 3: OH FUCK SHE AINT DEAD! (Semi-serious chapter)

So small recap. I fell through clouds after stepping up to green thing, threw a changeling over a cliff, witnessed the end of a fight and then proceeded to blow up the winner of said fight like a sore loser.

I was still in shock over the whole saving the world thing and the only other time I remember being this shook was the time I saw jack black sing death metal silent night (no seriously look it up he rips a cardboard cutout of Santa in half, it's absolutely knackers) and naturally the ponys were confused as to why the oppressive overlord was in pieces
I awkwardly shuffled over to the body of the bitch lich and she seemed pretty dead to me at least.
I looked around and saw the damage done was less then pleasant, Twilight was covered in bruises and cuts and rainbow (surprisingly) looking like the best out of them in terms of injuries, Apple jack and rarity are in about the same condition as twilight, pinky looks like she had not gone to bed in months and flutershy... Well she was a bit different then I remember you know? Probably has something to do with the prosthetic leg and...blood oh shit ok it's now time to keep going. ok new plan. step 1: find The cube thing step 2: free sunbutt step 3: ~~profit~~ step 4: get help for Moonbutt and the 6. With my fool proof four step plan in motion I looked around the body and I found the cube and with me being a peranoid guy I took the things horn as an insurance policy, behind the throne was a gigantic cocoone and I started the tactic I will refer to as the "windmill rip" I tore the...stuff away to reveal princess celestia.
She was a bit dizzy and asked a question.

"What Happened to king digo?" She asked finally geting Her balence back
So it turned out the bich lich was a dude! Who knew? i went under the assumption that the king was the one that just went out

"Oh you know he is still here...and there also over there" I said with a nervous smile
She seemed a bit hesitant to follow me so I simply stated

"We got injured over here and I don't know how to deal with it"

She dashed out from behind the throne to find the six and what was left of the king
She was about to take them somewhere by teleporting before I pointed out that she was forgetting about Luna and went to try and drag Luna into the room, she was a ghost white even though she was still breathing I panicked and said

"OH FUCK SHE RUNNIN DRY!"
And I was met with a flash and celestia teleported them all to safety... Leaving me behind
...FUCKERS

So I went through the forest again and it was here that I discovered the Changling petrol from earlier had met the locals of the forest...and then died a deadly death by poison, blood loss and whatever else comes with being cut in half so I kept my distance just trying to find the town again when the horn I took from the king started twitching and did magic and shit that blasted sideways. I followed the trail of magic using the horn as a type of compass and what it led me to just left me in shambles, Apple trees and three graves, the two that were farther away had been worn with age to a point where the gravestones were unreadable but that wasn't the one I was looking at "R.I.P applebloom

Who did this? Why did they do this? I had no jokes no quips no nothing, just...ugh I don't know what I would have done if the horn didn't flip out and fire magic into the grave. I heard a muffled sound that I could only assume was a small filly screaming in panic and a light tap on wood I mean I was already digging into the grave after the scream but that's besides the point. I was clawing up the dirt in a frenzy trying to go faster until I hit wood. I wasn't thinking straight and didn't see the shovel leaning against the tree but I started trying to open the coffin and I heard it

"Hello? Is anypony there?"

I was relieved I wasn't just crazy and I responded

"YES! Come on I'll get you out!" (I wasn't on my a game here :/)

She helped me push off the lid of the coffin and slowly we crawled out of the grave.
She saw my form and I guess she really didn't care about what I was since I got her out (who would when you wake up in a coffin)

The Kings horn disintegrated into dust and my hand got all ashy :(
So while I was looking at my now dusty hand, Applebloom ran off probably to go home...and ran straight into a tree I winced and took note of her appearance: no cutie mark and fairly clean for someone who took a nap in the ground so I helped her up and she finally got a good long look at me. She then ran into the tree again and I shit you not. knocked herself out. So I spent the next ten fun minutes carrying her to the farm and it was around here that she woke up
I set her down and asked her to calm down, she obliged and I said that I would try and take her home
She nodded and followed me to the house in the distance.

How the fuck am I supposed to explain this to her family?

chapter 4: the return of the C.M.C and taking back the farm

We finally arrived at the house and the farm were under attack by the remaining Changlings that weren't driven off by the guards so I made another choice. I put Applebloom in the tree (much to her annoyance) and pulled out my gun and attached the silencer while getting closer to the barn. In the barn was three cocoons and one guard for the captives So I decided to play a game with them. They have only one objective: SURVIVE
And man did they suck at the game

I went up to the guard and gave him a poke so he would turn around while sidestepping for part two of my plan. When he turned back around he saw something a bit confusing on the wall- a riddle on a sticky note, it read: "what has four legs and armour and is also distracted? Flip page to find answer" the poor thing did and read: "a very dumb and probably dead changeling he spun around and got quite frendly with S-T-V magnet... Before his head exploded that was, I hid the body in a trash can and drew the attention of another guard... Only for this one to do the exact same thing. Two minutes and seven changelings later, I had single handedly recovered a farm taken by changelings who can't handle logic

One of the changelings actually wandered off pondering the question. So after that I opened the cocoons faster then the bag of shredded cheese I ate yesterday (for reference that means basically insanely fast) and discovered the two I expected: big mac and Granny Smith plus one extra: scootaloo after they got over the shock of me in general the told me how they had taken scootaloo in to hide her from the changelings, they followed the group back to the farm and it was then that the guards stuck them into the ~~bags of shredded cheese~~ cocoons and then I saved them and I asked the really stupid question of what happened to applebloom, I kinda deserved the kick to my head but at the same time I didn't
And so I went to collect Applebloom and the tears man... Shit was real as fuck

And so after a brief introduction I was off to see if the six made it out ok and the only one of the group who chose to stay was Granny Smith and I stopped to tie my shoes as the others trekked off and I am not kiding the sounds coming from the barn sounded... Industrial. I already knew what she was doing and to be honest it kinda scared me a bit.
rule #24 no evidence

We only encountered one other Changling and he got knocked the fuck out by some gold armour guys who then turned their attention back to me. One explanation via Applebloom and Big Mac later and we found ourselves escorted to the hospital. I didn't get the name of it as I was tired and I ran out of fucks to give and just guess who was there waiting for me.

I had shaken her world to its very core and I just casually led the family down the hall to the room that was guarded ad she was still there frozen I let the two into the room and went back to the princess and since this was the biggest high I've hit in my life I decided to address my situation with another riddle

"What has two legs, took down an evil king, reunited a family and is the master of mind games?"
I hit my chest and said "this guy. Names Noah, And don't you forget that like you did me at the castle "
I said it jokingly. And then I left the hospital only to comeback with a one liner
"Oh, and happy family reunion"
I left again and when I was halfway gone I realized that I would half to ruin the one liner by coming back to the hospital
I came back and it's safe to say that I'm fine, it's ok-I-I don't even care ~~i care immensely~~ so anyway I came back and stuff happened and then I was finally meeting the mane six and thanks to this I was only partly dead inside
And on the bright side Applebloom and Big Mac were waiting for me so that's nice and then as if on cue a nurse came to collect us since I had mistakenly led the siblings into the wrong room the first time (bamboozled again I see ;)) and this time we were led into a big room full of ponys and in a little corner sat three princess and six elements (of which one was also a princess) and celestia was introducing us but I came in early on purpose to ask her to cut the introductions so I can finally reunite the entire family. She nodded and they were in the middle of asking what I was (nice) when I got Applebloom put her on apple jacks bed and said "ima just leave this here" more tears and a heartfelt speech later they wanted to know just how I did it. How I saved them. Everything. I smiled and said "its a long story... And since all of you are stuck in those beds I'm going to tell you."

And now that we are back in the present I can finally stop talking in past tense. Yay me

chapter 5: WHO CAME UP WITH EXPLODING PONYS???

noahs journal

day 1:I discovered that not only was prince blueblood made king, he was quickly enslaved by the changelings and no one not even the princess themselves expected the end result, he...broke, he went missing a year ago and no one knows where he is. I built my own house out of the remains of the old schoolhouse (all that remained was a closet that supposedly saved the janitors life while the school burned and the hallway) I discovered that the janitor actually lived in the closet so I guess we are roommates? I haven't seen him before but Applebloom told me that he was actually pretty friendly.

day 2
Today was strange to say the least. You know the songs and stuff that happens in the show? Yep happened here and I ended up dragged into the musical, when it came time for my line I had no idea what to say. The music stopped working I guess, they looked at me with anticipation as I stood there ~~menicingly~~ casually, to them I just ruined a musical but to me? I was contemplating life and prepared my mind for the inevitability of meeting the ~~god~~ hero that is Steve magnet. I got hit in the head by a apple and snapped out of it and everyone left :(.
The strangest thing was that no one was around when the apple hit me... So who threw it? Top guesses are: one of the princesses, that one kid that played the tuba in grade two, my own me-maw (who is a deadeye shot with wooden spoons), and finally whoever was playing the music they were singing to. I went over to the farm and asked about something a bit dark. All I'm saying is that Granny Smith follows the rules...all of them

day 3: twilight came to me today and asked why I didn't sing, I asked has anyone ever done that before and she took this as insult (somehow) and claimed that I was just being rude, I stated that I didn't even know about what they were singing about, and she ran off quicker and more frantically then that one time I left the classroom after starting a shittyfluted video (it was funny to me) and she was probably in a bad mood?

day 4: ok so apparently there was only one other guy who did what I did and according to twilight he literally just...oh crap, He just went see-through and ran off and into his house...there was a explosion moments later.
No survivors and they never found the body, she was trying to explain why this happened and it has something to do with magic but I was just kinda standing there wondering if I would explode (no no I didn't). she left on a poor note because she wants me to sing next time, why do ponys explode if they don't sing? Hell if I know, but really WHO THE FUCK MAKES TINY HORSES EXPLODE IF THEY DONT SING?!?

day 5: ok so I just discovered that the whole exploded pony thing never happened. I just got baited into singing
FUCK. Ok so I have a plan for tomorrow and I need help from spike (who also fell for the prank). We are going to absolutely destroy her with this prank. And it all comes down to spike.

day 6: let it be noted that for the bravery and cunning of spike I am going to help him with his love problem.

days 7-8 holy shit it worked. Ok after sliding a note under rarity's door I ran like hell. The next day I went with spike to the boutique and well, three hours later spike walked out with swagger. Little guy looks like he just out-smoked snoop dog. Ok so according to spike literally only five seconds into the reverse dragons den he had literally invented a sex move.
Yep that's about as much as I will elaborate. He went into very specific details and I had to teach him a important lessen for all males: shuting up about the sex you had. And the prank from yesterday was basically screwing with twilight's OCD by moving everything in her house 5 meters to the left. She was absolutely bamboozled at why she kept hitting the table and other furniture. The note I sent to rarity? "SEND NEWDS" :| I uh was joking about it at first. It was like a ding-dong ditch thing and I even have the actual letter but I did this for the memes, nature is beautiful is it not :3

A quick notice and the future of this story

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 6: now you gotta throw the whole town away

Author's Note

"Murder is the fuel of everything"

-inspirobot.com

chapter 6: now you gotta throw the whole town away

Ok so twilight decided to do experiments on me while I was sleeping, because hey! You know what sounds like a good idea? LITERAL MIND FUCKING MAGIC

Naturally twilight found some rather disturbing things and of course we can't forget the fact that she discovered memes.
For a moment I thought the universe would cry out in rage at this revelation but luckily she kinda forgot when she left my mind with a few stowaways, we only missed one of the things and so now somewhere in the world is a disembodied voice yelling EXTRA THICK but I'm getting ahead of myself, let's rewind to when shit went down.

Twilight had released four creatures and only one of them was friendly. You know that one voice in the back of your head that tells you stuff? Yeah he came out too and as it turns out all that time talking to my shadow wasn't for nothing! So you could imagine his shock when suddenly he wasn't just a voice. By the way despite being a part of me, he has a different voice. What's the most Irish accent you can think of? Yep that's him, so now that I could see him I decided to give him a name (via his request) and no I'm not going for some cliche name like Noah 2 or haon so I named him Clyde.
While me and Clyde where chatting twilight was running outside screaming something about the impossibility of the situation and with all three of us distracted, the other three stowaways left.

For the sanity of the others we ran after them with me taking the S-T-V magnet with me. So we discovered the first creature and it's safe to say it was quite frightening, imagine the majora's mask moon as the head of a clown covered blood.
Me and Clyde practically in sync as Clyde grabbed a large tree branch and clubbed the fucker, I hit it with the end of the gun and it stumbled back right into Clyde's stick also apparently Clyde can hit things so hard they explode.

we fought another one that had been taking some of the kids and putting it in a cage. He looked like a pirate and was muttering something under his breath. He dragged the cage full of children into the fucking everfree forest of all places with me and Clyde following close. Looking at him then you would notice he was armed to the teeth with swords and one of those flintlock pistols, as we closed in on the man a manticore made a power move and went after the cage only to be shot by the pirate. The fillies and colts started shouting at the man to let them go and before we could get after him, he started singing about all of the money he was going to make. Clyde was bored and seeing my expression mirrored his, he decided that anything was better then this off-key pirate. I was going to make a joke about him going to the shadow realm when he sank into the shadows but if he was anything like me then I knew the consequences of such a shitty joke.
there is a reason why my mixtape is a fate worse then death

Anyway by the time the man finally finished Clyde had already pulled the cage into ~~the shadow realm~~ the place he went. Clyde also brought something from home! It was basically a large bamboo staff that he had dubbed "the sick stick".
I asked why it was called that only for Clyde to leap out of the shadows and hit the poor guy right in the nads.
He promptly threw up and gave a good explanation for the name of Clyde's weapon. I took the opportunity to shoot the guy at point-blank range. Yep I still missed the shot, too bad for the pirate that Clyde didn't :3

As he went into the smoke like the clown did I asked Clyde where the kids were and he said all was good in the neighbourhood so I started to return to town only to trip on something blue. I got up and inspected it only for both me and Clyde to go wide eyed at what we just found. It was a scale of the absolute legend STEVE FUCKING MAGNET!

At the end of the day we got back to town to find the cage from earlier empty and embedded in the ground. I was so awestruck by the scale that I didn't ask Clyde what happened (and yes the kids are fine and acording to Clyde only one of them can shoot lasers out of her hoof...I wonder who?) me and Clyde just couldn't deal with twilight's shit right now so Clyde invited me into the place he called home. I was going to say something along the lines of what could possibly go wrong but I stopped myself because as usual, Murphy was hiding in the corrner just waiting for the magic words that let him fuck shit up so I just stayed quiet. With a flick of the wrist we slowly sank into the ground and I prepared myself for what was in store.

chapter 7: the homeless janitor and alien sing a duet because the plot demanded at least one song in the story

Ok going with Clyde had mixed results, basically when we arrived all you could see was a large scooby-doo corridor (complete with random people running through the doors) and a large bar at the end, so I discovered Clyde's favourite pastime was playing a drinking game he calls "drink everytime noah has a beard", and considering the fact that I have had a beard for over five years now I could tell that he really needs to get out more. But of course in the corrner of the bar was the one prick who thought they were God. So apparently only flesh and blood things can hurt this guy in this realm. Safe to say that this week I am going to absolutely dominate the table match. So after throwing a table at the basterd we exited the bar and went back to the town. My walk home with Clyde was uneventful thanks to us trying to avoid twilight.

When we got back to the old school yard we saw a bunch of construction workers and my fears of the place being torn down came true. I also saw the janitor get removed from his closest and walk off really sad. Me and Clyde followed him and remembering about the scale I asked Clyde to finish the ~~shrine~~ little side project based off of Steve magnet.
It was just me and the janitor and for the first time I got a good look at the guy and well let's just say I'm 55% sure its secretly prince blueblood. I decided to follow him until he sat on a bench. He looked like he attempted to dye his coat grey with dust and I also saw quite a bit scars on his neck. So I guess changelings gain control via bite? I don't know but I was a bit saddened at the thought. a bunch of music started playing in the distance because I guess every Tuesday is the day that princess celestia decides to suddenly have a parade. If only I recognized the perade was a set up for a musical number sooner... Well then this wouldn't have happened as the jaded pony began to sing. I just didn't expect to hear the beginning chorus of viva la vida and I decided this would be my debut in the singing ring of ponyvill:

i use to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
And sweep the streets I use to own

It was here I decided to cut in

i use to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Now I listen as the crowds all sing
"now the old king is dead long live the king"
One minute I had the key next the walls closed in on me
And I discovered that my castle stands, Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

He seamed unfazed by me joining in

i hear Jerusalem bells ringing romane Calvary quires are singing
be my mirror my sword and shield my missionarys in a foreign field
And for some reason I can't explain, once she left there was never, Never an honest word,
But that was when I ruled the world

With the part of the song that couldn't possibly be created by accident or coincidence still playing in the background I decided to start the next verse

it was a wicked and wild wind
That blew down the doors to let me in
shatterd windows and the sound of drums,
Ponys couldn't believe what I've become
Relovutionarys wait, for my head on a silver plate
just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would want to be king?

He stood up now and we both continued this time with eye contact

i hear Jerusalem bells ringing romane Calvary quires are singing
be my mirror my sword and shieldmy missionarys in a foreign field
And for some reason I can't explain, I know the court won't call my name, Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

We did the part with a lot of a's and prepared for the grand finale

i hear Jerusalem bells ringing romane Calvary quires are singing
be my mirror my sword and shield my missionarys in a foreign field
And for some reason I can't explain, I know the court won't call my name, Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

After that we introduced ourselves and I discovered the name he was using was grey sweephoof (a bit on the nose but ok)
And I revealed that I knew he was the prince and also assured him that I would keep his identity hidden.
So with that out of the way we finally realized the gravity of the situation, We were both homeless and cold.

It seams it's time for me to call in a favour. I just hope twilight is ok with a plus one

chapter 7(continued): the curse,the shadows and ridiculous amounts of cheese (Clyde's perspective)

"Ok so apparently some important things happened on Clyde's end while I was singing with the janitor so I'm just going to give control of the storytelling to Clyde up until we get meet up again so take it away Clyde!"

"thanks man but do I really have to do this with the alternative colour?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind I'll just talk like this"

"You don't sound any different-WAIT ARE WE IN A FANF-"

[SLAM!]

So anyway after taking the scale down to my place I once again took a swing at the prick sitting at the bar only to my disappointment, pass through him like usual, I grabbed a bottle and went into the door hidden under the bar and took a look at the merchandise stand like I do every Tuesday and I bought a book titled: "rhythm, the blues, and good rhymes for you!" And I payed the merchant a bag of shredded cheese (my realm's currency consists of cheese) and I tried to take it back to my room with the scale but the fucktard at the bar decided to take my stuff since he knew it had no penalty,
He ran through the corridor and into one of the many doors, I finally after all these years found out how he got into here and I can safely say that I am going to wait for the day he comes back and I am going to destroy him.

In case you didn't know I'm going to tell you something Noah won't and probably will never acknowledge until we find the cure. Noah's entry into equestria wasn't his first encounter with magic you see. Long ago when I was just chilling in my main man's mind I saw something that was out of place. A dark lock was on him and keeping him from finding love. He was emotionally dead inside in terms of love and it only came close to shattering on its own when someone actually was trying to start a relationship with Noah. She was quickly killed by the same fucktard who cursed Noah in the first place: death himself. Death made the mistake of mixing up some files and mistakenly sent the bad karma curse after Noah instead. Realizing his mistake death instructed Noah on how to fix the curse, he needed to find three key items that would break the lock: a ridiculous diet consisting of dairy products plus his usual diet, the scale of a water dragon, and the ability to walk through shadows. Naturally death was a bit behind on the times and was unaware that magic had ceased to exist after the witch trials eventually killing off the genes needed in a human to allow for magic and the magically enchanted creatures that were created by the excess magic in the air eventually went extinct thanks to the lack of magic.

Noah found out that all the excess energy of the curse had some interesting side effects. Noah could by simply standing near another male increase the hormones being produced by both him and the other guy a whopping 39 percent! Noah by simply writing a letter in the disguise of the secret lover would basically bring out any true emotions that one had for another (wich is why spike and rarity are now a thing despite the absolutely dumb letter he sent). Basically the curse trades the ability to actually truly love another person for the ability of becoming the ultimate wingman. But now that I'm free from Noah's mind I have been wondering... Am I cursed as well?

I'm also starting to believe that Noah might be a bit colour blind since the scale although coming from the ancient one Steve magnet it's not blue at all! I know how he thinks but this wasn't even something that was normal. His eyes were fine so long as he had his glasses but he lost those when we came to the world but it's like he hasn't noticed.

I decided to play a drinking game that I call: drink everytime that I hate the bar guy.
Ok I might have just a small problem with alcohol so what? It can't kill me as far as I know

And after a few drinks I met up with Noah and asked how the interrogation went in my drunken slur and I didn't quite get what he said so I just decided to hide in his shadow and take a little nap, I woke up a week later according to Noah and now that this is out of the way I can let Noah back in the room and basically let him tell you guys what happened during the time I was out so I'm just gonna-

"WHAT IS REAL?! AM I REAL?! AAAAAAAAAAA-[TINK!]

Ok I guess I will just uh let him have a bit of a nap and I really hope I didn't let him know this was a fan fiction
I'm just uh... Gonna go

chapter 8: I just deadass scare death now

Ok so I'm sorry if I'm a bit angry while telling you guys this but thanks to a certain someone I woke up with a bump on my head and well... Fuck me I can't remember what I was talking about.

"you were telling them about what happened when we joined back up"

"Thanks Clyde! Also why the FUCK my head hurt?"

the fucker went to his place to avoid me and my grammar-less rage.

now that I remember what I was telling you guys lets continue:

Ok so Clyde came back absolutely shit-faced and I can only assume that things didn't go well on his end. Blueblood asked me who I was talking to and raised an eyebrow when I said a drunk shadow. He shrugged it off and we continued out path to the giant tree (that to my knowledge probably was supposed to be a castle) with Clyde asleep and basically in a coma. When we got to twilight's house she was talking to some prick who's name was probably related to some duchebag fratboy fuck thanks to the backwards hat and sunglasses. He was talking shit and I was having none of it. So as a result of my actions I decided to let you guys hear the conversation in all its glory:

"Really? a tree? Lame. My father could probably buy this place for only ten bits with it looking like this you wannabe s-

He was interrupted by a crushing grip on his windpipe and I let this quip out:

"You see this tree?" He nodded nervously

"You see this beautiful motherfucking tree?"

"Y-Yes I see it"

I reeled back and threw him out of the door while shouting

"YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!"

Blueblood shut the door behind me looking a bit scared of my display.
I apologized for the yelling to the both of them and judging by the tear stains in the carpet floor it seamed like I made the right decision. After finally going through the tale of the clown and pirate she asked if I took care of Clyde. I said he's cool and explained how he's my main man (except when he hits me over the head) and wasn't dangerous to the ponies. I then told a story so sad that you could practically hear the worlds smallest violin at work:

"So I'm homeless again"

"what? What do you mean by that? You said you had a place what happened?

"The demolition crew finally decided to take the old school down and now both me and my man..."

Being the forgetting basterd I am, I already forgot bluebloods fake name and it showed on my face as clear as day.
Despite the fact that I forgot his name twilight asked about how long I was living like this and why I didn't come to her sooner. I told her how she would feel having some random ass guy suddenly ask to bunk with her and then stated that was exactly what I planned to do. She said yes and even let blueblood stay. Unfortunately death himself had other plans letting out a evil laugh as he materialized in front of me in the form of a pony this time instead of the usual skeleton cloak guy:

"Your time is up no-"
He stopped in realization and looked at me and if he didn't have that cloak covering his face I could almost see the fear in his eyes. Not because of me being threatening but because I was his first ever screw up. Tears were building up in my eyes and all I could manage was a sound that could be compared to a raptor noise.
I'm going to be honest I wasn't even speaking English at this point and by the end of my gibberish I made my point across by following the rules of unstable rage #32 and I stated my request a few times:

GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT...
There was much more then just that but I don't feel like continuing that for half an hour and death quickly left just like he appeared but much more frantic.

The two ponys were flabbergasted and bamboozled as they should have been. No one should ever do what I did with death and let's just say he heard a small bit of my mixtape. Only fucker I have ever found who deserved it. So after punching the spot where death once was I calmed down a small bit by going outside to where the fratboy fuck still was and punted the prick into a tree. It was therapeutic to me at least. Not so much to the bystanders.

I slammed the door shut and basically I decided to tell the two of them a secret as to why I hate death like I do.

Did you think I would tell you guys?

BAMBOOZLED AGA-

actually I already told them

CLYDE YOU FUCKING ASSHAT

chapter 9: even more things go wrong

Ok have you ever heard of dr who? Ok I hope so because apparently all those jokes about the doctor being here had some truth to it. Ok let me start from the top.

So me and blueblood woke up with me in the basement and blueblood in the guest bedroom and so we decided to go out for some food. We went to sugarcube corner and got some breakfast (had muffins on the mind) and on our way out we saw a statue that looked surprisingly like a angel and guess what I did? I stuffed a muffin in its mouth and for some reason blueblood found this funny, as you might have guessed some terrible things happened and suddenly we were for a brief moment in the shooting stars meme before being dropped off in the everfree forest face first of course. When we picked ourselves up we had noticed somethings that didn't quite add up, like the big crater on the moon that looked suspiciously like a horse. Panic set in as blueblood was trying to make sense of the situation.

I asked Clyde to help calm him down but instead of helping me out he was still in a drunken haze. He tried to rise out of my shadow with the sick stick but unfortunately he fell back into the dark leaving his weapon of choice with me. Since I had not left the house with my gun I took the staff for temporary usage and smacked blueblood with it. It snapped him out of the panic and I wanted him to explain why the moon was like that and he used nightmare moon story #7 to clear things up. After about half an hour there was a large gust of wind that knocked us off our feet and when we looked back at the moon she was gone. Looks like we are on a element hunt (and don't think I know how to weed them out).
So after another attempt to trek towards the town we found ourselves quite lost until we found a bridge that we all know goes to the castle of the two sisters and so in hindsight it wasn't a very good idea to cross the bridge as the moment blueblood got across the bridge gave out taking me with it.

I got lucky and my leg was stuck in between the planks letting me climb up. When I got the the top I looked to the other side of the bridge and blueblood was fighting off some dark misty looking thing before it dragged him into the castle. I knew I needed the elements help and I ran as fast as I could only to stop when I heard something crying. I took a look through the bush only the see rarity in the middle of helping the magnet. Safe to say I wasn't even close to him but if I'm being honest... Uh you know what no. I know I have been swearing and stuff all the time but if I at all explained what happened in my pants then this story could have easily passed as porn. Nuf said.

Ok so after that incident and one change of pants later I was at the bridge again. The six of them approached cautiously and instead of being a self righteous asshole I decided to just tell them my situation. They thought I lied about blueblood and twilight promptly picked me up with her magic and threw me over the bridge, I landed on the other side and instead of crying out in rage i decided that the pain was the least of my concerns as I heard a scream coming from the castle.

I kicked the door and nearly broke my foot while doing so. While I was writhing in pain the six passed the loyalty test and then came up to me asking what I was doing, I said I broke my foot and after some help via magic later we all noticed the horrific screaming of blueblood and this only fuelled my rage. I was about to ram the door again only for twilight to tell me that it was a pull door.

After we entered the castle I saw blueblood surrounded by darkness and naturally he was under the influence of whatever the fuck pinky was on. Except thanks to the visible blue puppet strings he could only twitch violently. He was lifted into the air with him flailing about as the strings made him dance. I am sure this might have disturbed the six but regardless the strings slowly wrapped around his neck as tears started falling. It was at this point Clyde was finally getting up and Said hi to the world and apparently this was the point w realized this shit was rigged from the start. With the life on the line Clyde sobered up and cut the strings quite anticlimacticly and blueblood fell to the floor. We rushed over to him and he was looking like he was taking the name too far as he was a bright blue when he fell. Only for the mist to leave again with the six following the mist. I asked for Clyde to take care of blueblood and he responded with a salute.

As I entered the chamber I once again heard the end of I-GOT-YOU-NOW monologue# 12 and of course also like last time, I interviewed but this time I did the simple act of hitting nightmare moon really hard in the gut and she threw up a bit (the sick stick clams another victim!) and as the six got up twilight started her speech about the elements and her friends like usual but this time to everyone's surprise she was also trying to include me (because why the fuck not?) and this is what she had to say:

"and of course we can't forget the element of surprise... Noah!

"Wait wha-"

"but for the seventh element we needed a spark..."(SEVENTH?!)

Ok I kinda zoned out at the shock that apparently this was destined to be because of surprise??
How and why is a element the element of surprise?! WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID SUPPRISE HAVE TO DO WITH MAKING FRIENDS?! I was taken out of my reflections by the stones around me shooting rainbows at nightmare moon and as it looks to me, the entire timeline was didled.

Imagine that?

a quick questionnaire for you guys!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 10: apply now for your free trial of HERP-AGONA-STIFIL-AIDS

Author's Note

"I am a very tall midget"

"I am a very short giant"

"(Various raptor sounds)"

chapter 10: apply now for your free trial of HERP-AGONA-STIFIL-AIDS

I woke up after a bit and I would be ecstatic about the element thing if not for the fact that twilight dropped the ball. She said the wrong thing (and according to celestia part of the whole ceremony of the elements is using the correct words) and so nightmare moon was just sitting there a bit confused as to why she was alright.

"what? Why am I still...?HA you fools! You failed!"

"Nah twilight just made the mistake of including a complete stranger into the mix"

what? But the signs all pointed to us being the elements... i don't get it twilight said in a sad tone

"Ok let's try that again"

HAHAHA fool! You really think-

"KINDNESSGENEROSITYLOYALTYHONESTYMAGICWITHYOURPOWERSCOMBINDTHEYARECAPTAINPLANETCLYDEFIREORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN""FIRINGORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN!"

This works somehow and now the rainbow actually works as intended with the addition of me prematurely throwing the sick-stick at nightmare and mistakenly hitting her with Clyde's weapon like a fucking Neanderthal. The light fades and I'm met with my old friend Sgt.smokey the bear as he was Slaughtering a camp site for leaving a fire lit... Ok fine I was kidding, I was met with ponys waking up and as I got up I saw the elements on them as they admired them giving me the chance to slip away after getting back the sick stick.

I unfortunately got stuck on the door again and I grabbed the attention of everyone including the now present celestia. Celestia slowly walked up to me as I tensed up, I had gotten lucky with proving my innocence last time since I helped them but without some help I just might have been screwed over if not for bluebloods swift kick to the door and sudden entrance, he seemed a bit startled by celestia though.

"oh uh hi"

It seemed that the orbital frendship gun also cleaned up blueblood, much to his dismay his mask of dirt was lifted showing him off in the best (but right now the worst) way.

"blueblood? What are you doing so far away from the castle? And why is that...thing here? she asked with bitterness

Blueblood was about to drop the spaghetti on how we got here but luckily I managed to get away with taking fake offence to her question

"Excuse me but I am not just a thing!" I said in a oh-so poor choice of a voice that has only one end result,

That result was for me to fall over curl up into a ball and turn to stone via sun goddess :D

JOY! AW YEA EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED IN MY LIFE I JUST- UGH FUCK- MY KNEE! (Eternal pain+raptor screech.mp3)

When I was stoned blueblood told celestia about a magical journey through space and time and explained how I'm not discord. In hindsight maybe mimicking the voice of a currently evil God of chaos wasn't the greatest plan. Not my best moment. Anyway spaghetti dropped lunch is ruined and I myself made it worse with a "you too". my plan has gone to shit. By the time I was freed by the stone I had been hulled into the library to be "taken care of", translation? Getting poked with a broom (of doom) until I woke up.

I don't know why they were poking me with the broom but safe to say that I probably should not have let out the primal scream that I did but that ship set sail long ago. After the screaming match and I finally calmed down I tried to ask what happened.

Ok I lied about calming down

"WHY WAS I A STATUE?!"

"Celestia thought you were a threat!"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?!"

"I don't know?!"

"WHY ARE WE STILL SCREAMING?!"

"I DONT KNOW"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

We screamed for a bit and eventually got on the topic of blueblood. twilight said that blueblood was to be taken to testing and therapy since Celestia is convinced that he was mind controlled by me (because apparently I have the power of a literal mind-fuck) and so began my magical journey to free blueblood from his own home.twilight was downstairs looking through books for something and spike apparently locked himself in the closet to avoid me and got trapped. I let him out of the closet and restrained myself from making a gay joke. After all, you can't say shit if your one of them because bisexual is my-sexual (I'm not sorry).

After spike was released he immediately attempted to lite me up. He got my tye and unfortunately for me, Celestia now has a brand new (crudely patched) tye! After calming him down and explaining how I wasn't a bad guy he asked some things and got a few answers and I did the same thing and learned about dragon fire and how apparently anything burnt by it is sent to Celestia and vice versa. Then downstairs the door slammed against the wall and I at that moment had a brief encounter with a rainbow, it ended with me getting launched through the window and straight into the ground.

So that's how I had my first day in ponyvill (or however the fuck else you pronounce it) and after a bit I woke up in my old bed: the ground :D ah already feels just like home, with all of the blood and ~~people~~ ponys screaming at me if I shut my eyes I wouldn't be able to tell the difference! So with that nostalgia out of the way I found my way back to the library (complete with the screaming of civilians of course) and knocked on the door

Ok fine it's more like I threw the door open and slammed it shut. I hate crowds, why do you think I lived near a junk yard? (Besides the whole homeless thing) and after a bit of dickering I managed to score a place at twilight's house-tree on the condition that I somehow prove that I was innocent. So basically the reason Celestia reacted the way she did is because she sensed dark magic in me, or so she thought. Twilight pulled a special machine out of the basement that instead of measuring magic it measures dark magic. It was covered in dust and after the tests came back positive (insert AIDS joke here) I decided to make a small test with the others to prove that it was natural (or something? I really don't know what I was thinking because blood stuff and being a nice shade of white that normally would belong to blueblood.

"so you lied to us?"

"No I didn't! I think the stupid thing is broken or..."
A lightbulb went off in my head

"Wait let me try something"

I asked twilight to use the machine herself and in doing so the dark magic reader-thing exploded and the reason why?
Magic overload

"what?! But-"

I prepared myself for the incoming screaming and twilight did not disappoint

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile on earth:

"I wonder what happened to that Noah fella? It's not like he would just-"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

The junkyard was rumbling and in the distance, sirens.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile back in equestria

Twilight was having a mental breakdown and naturally I had to work on helping her out of the issue because if I didn't solve the issue in time the other five would rush in and absolutely destroy me, the shout registered on the Richter scale and in this small town that is big and bad news for me so I got to work she was rolling on the ground and crying about the dark "evil" magic that would turn her evil and so I decided to hit two birds with one stone.

"Twilight you are just as evil as I am!"
The tears intensity increased and she wasn't making coherent sentences

"TWILIGHT GODDAMMIT IM NOT EVIL"

She stopped crying and looked in my direction

"but the shadealizer said-

"Exactly what it would say If you put one of your friends in it. The dark isn't all evil and the light isn't all good! If so we would have no true free will"

Then at that time I was then thrown against the wall and knocked unconscious by the good ol, one two blue hue what'cha gonna do when rainbow runs wild on you.

FUN

chapter 11: WHO DO YOU VODO BITCH

Ok so basically not much noteworthy happened in the next few days except the whole getting the town to not be afraid of me bit but you guys already heard that before so I'm just gonna skip past this part and tell you the basics:

Ok so I woke up, explained things and stopped twilight's dark magic freakout , a week later twilight got tickets to the Galla and after the escepade I managed to convince twilight to ask for a extra two tickets so I could later on attempt to find blueblood and I unfortunately haven't seen Clyde since the elements used the thing and I'm a bit worried about him.
Applejack over overworked herself and eventually things went sour when a massive round of food poisoning hit the town putting quite a few out of commission. And I managed to do fuck all over all that time.

Ok so now we got caught up and then after I banished a spider from space and time after I was taking a shower and got back into my pants twilight started asking questions since I had finally looked a bit darker thanks to doing fuck all and getting back blood

"hey is it healthy for you to look like that?"
Twilight asked with curiosity

"Eh I have no clue. It's been quite a while since I've felt this good. That magic thing at the castle really did wonders for me"

She tilted her head and asked why I was unhealthy before the elements did stuff

"Oh I don't know. I was living on the streets, I haven't had a proper meal since 2019, my sleep schedule is nonexistent, my hygiene is piss-poor and that shower I took was the first one I had in years... Should I continue?"

She looked both concerned and disgusted at the same time

And so after a heartfelt lecture about how I shouldn't let it happen again I remind her that I'm still homeless and so with a new goal in mind we sent off to find some supplies. Fearing the crowds watchful gaze I managed to sneak off and away from twilight. I came across a zebra named zecora and we chatted a bit about who we are and stuff after she got over my appearance. She offered tea and I accepted the offer and we went off into the forest. And if you know how this goes then you already know that Applebloom was following us into the forest.

We were on a path to zecora' house and she advised me to avoid the plants with the blue leafs so I wouldn't get affected by the stuff but unfortunately for us the mane six had finally found us and in rainbow dash's usual shtick she accused me of being a traitor in ten seconds flat. Nice

We went our separate ways when rainbow made it clear that I wasn't welcome in ponyvill as after my tea time with zecora I tried to go back to the library and when I got halfway there rainbow sprang up and hit me in a land down under and it was this day that I learned true pain. I've been hit there before with it usually being my fault but this one was horrible. By the end of it I threw up breakfast and just kind left after an hour of non stop pain.

I wandered around until I came across zecora's hut again and I entered to see if I could get something to help with the ungodly pain in my stomach. Applebloom was there too and I reintroduced myself to her and she was quite curious about me. So after zecora sent me out to get ingredients for the poison joke antidote a bit of time passed and when I returned the mane six was at zecora's doorstep calling her a witch and I choose to intervene and defend her.

A repeat of what happened earlier occurred this time with a crowd. They were quite shocked at my display and I really don't blame them. Applebloom came through the door again and sorted the whole thing out and on the bright side the problems with zecora were gone! The downside? I was about three seconds away from ripping out rainbows wing and giving her a lobotomy with it. Then just guess what happened? She called me weak.

"Do you know how painful it is?"

She looked at me quizzically and I explained

"Ok so imagine the worst pain you have ever felt in your life. Ok now multiple times all in your stomach area. Now imagine you feel like you just swallowed a razor blade that was on fire and dipped in acid.

She looked startled and I continued

"It is the worst pain a male can ever feel unless slowly and torturously ripped apart. I can forgive you if you promise to never do it again."

"why? Is it really that bad?"

" it would be easier to rip off my own leg and run a marathon then to willingly get hit in the balls"

She paled and nodded hesitantly

"Good now let's go."

After we returned to the library spike was a bit sad that the girls were back to normal. And then I had to explain the fragility of manhood to the rest of the girls and this had mixed results With crisis averted and zecora finally safe from the accusations I took a nice well deserved nap.

I dreamt about a horrible nightmare about giant spiders only to be rescued by the mare in the moon herself: princess Luna. she saw me and said something about not plaguing this dream only to find that I was the one who dreams this night. I asked about blueblood and she left presumably to tell Celestia about me (nice) and I woke up.

I wonder how this will end.

Eh at least I managed to bamboozle a princess so at least I got that :)

chapter 12: how can ya have ya pudding if ya don't eat'ch ya meat?

After my nap I woke up and went outside only to get ass-blasted into the air by a shitload of confetti. In the distance laughing could be heard, I investigated and made an expert deduction that the pranking duo was the issue.
After going around the town I found I wasn't the only one. The worst one would have to be the painted apples and it apparently took hours to get the apples edible again.

Some people just want to see the world burn.

The next day I found pinky chasing after rainbow at a speed only comparable to plaid. Eventually rainbow introduced me to her friend Gilda. She insulted me and said I looked "like a shaved diamond dog after an acid bath" so I basically did as I usually do and defeated her with the powers of memes: "

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the army and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the best sniper on this entire fucking planet you fucking fuck. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this planet mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across equestria and the cum-dumpster you call home is being traced right now so you better prepare for the shitstorm bich. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Shadow realm and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little 'clever' comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."

Rainbow was speechless and Gilda was trying to keep a straight face. I broke off into laughter and Gilda even joined in! Nice to know i can get away with some dark humour around here. Rainbow was relieved I wasn't serious and apparently this made me cool in Gilda's book.

"what's a bitch?"

Gilda was barely keeping it together

"A bitch is a female dog"

I managed to get even more laughter out of her and its official: ~~I'm going to shit fury~~ I'm now in the frendship with the birb-lady. What's a birb? It's like a bird except it's pronounced differently, BECAUSE MEMES.
At the end of the day when I found out about flutershy, I almost went on a rampage. Because if you don't defend that which has the butterflies tattoo then you are the biggest hittler-st.shitler himself.

I told her through clenched teeth that she really shouldn't have done that but I also said that it would be ok if flutershy got an apology. I didn't want to lose the only one within ten yards who I could unload my unnaturally high amount of dark humour to and get good results.

She reluctantly apologized and knowing that I could actually have some fun with this I smiled and said:

"Wanna find the prick who was talking shit bout' my friends?"

I have never had more fun on a man-hunt (or pony-hunt i guess).
I know that the fucker didn't actually insult twilight yet and that was before we were thrown back in time but luckily he was just as much as a asshat as before.

We may or may not have went too far.

RULE#24 no evidence

So after ~~paying off Granny Smith to ship off the guy~~ sending him off on a luxurious trip to the everfree forest me and Gilda went our separate ways. It was a nice day and I might have even saved Gilda and rainbow's frendship. I returned to the library and twilight was writing something about friendship probably. I asked her how many days until the gala and she said three. With that I went to sleep again and this time instead of the usual nightmare I found myself in a white room with the princess of the night. She demanded to know my 'evil' intentions for the world. I was blunt with her and said that I was just trying to right a wrong from a long time ago. I managed to get through half of my story before I could wake up and I just hope I made a lasting impression.

When I got up and out of twilights house I saw the town in ruins and a large swarm of bugs was following some sort of music. I wandered a bit until I found the six chatting something about listening to a friend or something. Then guess who showed up? Why is was ol' Nova hair herself talking to the group. She then got an uneasy look on her face and started looking around. She found me and naturally started turning me to stone AGAIN. She only got halfway because something was causing interference. She called her guards over to drag me out of sight and into a cage.

After Celestia talked to her student and her friends she made up some bullshit story about things and took me away to canterlot.

Whelp off to the dungeons I guess

chapter 13: blood-ties (slice of cake because life machine broke)

The ride was boring and with me still being trapped in stone and in a cage I didn't really have a choice but to eavesdrop on the guards and a conversation I really shouldn't have listened to. Some girl with a slight accent was still morning his kid that was taken as a little colt. I probably shouldn't have tried to comfort her yet but I knew it was the right thing to do.

"Dude that's harsh"
She simply nodded and instead of telling me to shut up or something she said two names through the tears: Théodore and abel My jaw dropped.
I needed to be sure so I asked where Abel was from, she hesitated and said prance.

mind blown

I deadpanned and just straight up said France.
The wagon came to a sudden stop and the mare turned around.
I continued with a description of my friend from the junkyard

"Tall, gray hair, early forties, battle medic?"

She threw open the cage and demanded how I knew.
She then finally saw what I was. And went wide eyed.

"Because Abel was a close friend of mine who lost his child to a freak storm"
The other guard was getting impatient and telling us to hurry up, completely ignorant to what was happening. She returned to a stoic expression after and returned to the front. And I just assumed that she left the cage unlocked on purpose. On the way to the city I told her how life was going for the guy she cracked a smile when I mentioned how he still was always looking for something. Guess I know now. I asked for her name and she said sky blue.

I asked if she adopted. She said yes... Twice. She then went into a sob story about how they couldn't afford to have two children and so they put one up for adoption. She said it was here that the storm proceeded to take both kids away.
We then arrived at the castle and I was still trying to process how this happened. A day passed and after a bit I heard she sound of jingling keys. It was blueblood. He came to my cell and unlocked the doors, he told me about what happened with the sisters getting him a psychiatrist. He almost believed it was all fake until Clyde finally spoke up. So Clyde was with blueblood for a bit.

"so how did it go on your end?"

"I made a few friends and even found the prick from last time" Blueblood started smiling and Clyde gave me a hug. Nice

"Ok so should we try to convince sun butt that I'm not evil or wait a bit?"
Blueblood giggled a bit at the name.

On the way to the throne room I asked blueblood a question

"Hey why don't you have a last name blueblood?"

"oh I do I just never use my first name because it seemed a bit odd to the other nobles"

My breathing quickened

"What is your first name?"

"Théodore"

HOLY FUCK

why?

"When you get some spare time could you do me a favour?"

He tilted his head In curiosity and nodded

"If you see a guard by the name of sky blue could you say your first name to her?"
He asked why and I said that the mare was someone he might know. We finally arrived at the room and I knocked on the ridiculously oversized doors, the doors opened slowly and dramatically until about halfway when we all pushed through.
We entered the room and Celestia swiftly threw something behind her and wiped off her face.

There was a silence in the room deafening everyone as nither Celestia nor us moved a muscle as it to let everything that had just happened sink in. The object she threw was slowly sliding down the wall and eventually the thick slab of cake halted the silence and got the floor near Celestia's throne all sticky.

We slowly left the room and reentered after a few minutes everything was clean and I was almost ready for my speech, I just needed Luna.

I could tell that Celestia was stalling for time

"Hi."

She gave me a look that just screamed unsettled.

"Would it be possible for this conversation to end WITHOUT turning me to stone?"

She was visibly sweating. The fuck?

It was around the three minute mark that I was concerned that something was wrong

"Ok I'm getting concerned"(RIGHT ON THE MARK)"are you ok? I hope this isn't about that dark magic issue again"
I took a few steps backwards to give her some space (despite being a good twenty feet away) and bumped into Théodore (he has a name and I'm going to use it) and Luna finally entered the room. Celestia was looking at her with hope.
Before Celestia could say anything Luna shut her mouth with her magic and gave me a wave over after pulling up some chairs.

"Ok so sorry Luna but instead of picking up where we left off I need to start again for Celestia. You see it all began when I was bor-" DODO-DODODO, HUBUDUBUH DO-DO DODODO, HUBUDUBUH, DODO-DODODODODO-DODODO-DO-DODODODO-DO-DO-DO- AHEM sorry about that. Anyway I finished the story about the curse and they raised an eyebrow when I said it was death himself. Luckily for me I got a glimpse of death through the reflection on the glassy floor

"I SEE YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK!"

Death dropped from the ceiling and sprinted out of the room.

"DONT YOU FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM ME!"

I ran after him and grabbed a broomstick in the corner, I managed to bludgeon him in the head and when he did his usual escape I managed to grab his cloak only to reveal... Nothing, he managed to get away with that bullshit teleport move again. I walked back into the room with my new prize. Smelled suspiciously like cheese. Huh- SSSSSNNNNNF yep that's the smell of my death all right.

the sisters were quite surprised by my new accessory

"Did you think I was joking? I WASN'T!"

And no despite what you might think, the cloak did not make me the dead-ed or a reaper. Looked pretty cool though.

I whispered to Clyde and Théodore to do me a solid in my vanishing act:

"Ok that's all for now and I still don't think you trust me. So I'm just going to go now...bye"

I let myself fall backwards into my shadow where Clyde was hiding and let me into his place. The dark shadow was there for the remainder of the time it took Théodore to shrug to the princesses and dive headfirst into the shadows. The shadow dispelled and I at that moment took the title of king of best exits.

A bit later Théodore reunited with his long lost mother. But I'm not saying anything else. Family matters you know.

And to this day we still don't know what happened to all that cake. Truly one of the greatest mysteries of this land.

chapter 14: "two" shots, of vodka and a dash of cyanide to taste.

Clyde took us back to ponyvill and we took a stroll over to rarity's place, I entered and asked if it was possible for her to make me a suit, I left once she had my measurements and I was on my own since Clyde and Théodore also had to prepare for the events tonight. Since Théodore was already royalty and Clyde could just hide in my shadow I decided on looking for someone else to bring. Someone who really hasn't gone before... But who?

In the distance I heard rainbow have conversation with scootaloo about why she couldn't come with her to the gala. All because the rules were strictly invite only. I went over there and then asked the question.

"Hey I heard you two saying something about the gala?"

Rainbow nodded both her and scootaloo with the same sad expression.

"Yeah-no you are coming with us if you want."

"hey I know you aren't from around here, but as much as I hate to say this. Rules are rules"

"First of all, the rules can suck it, and second of all,"

I handed the extra ticket to scootaloo and she just burst into a smile. Unfortunately this was so sweet it gave me the diabetes. After that she was practically Bouncing away in a fashion that could be comparable to a regular Tuesday for pinky pie. I eventually made my way over to the tree house and I knocked on the door.

Spike opened up the door and said that twilight was off getting fitted for her dress. So with nothing better to do I went inside and had a conversation with spike. I managed to get some hidden information about spike and I now know he is currently sixteen in dragon years (he said its around ten of our years) and is apparently due for wings soon.

I asked if I could send a letter to Celestia and Luna to say that I would be attending the gala but he advised against it because twilight wasn't home. So on that note I said good bye and I gave him a quick hug. I left and went to see if Clyde and Théodore finished getting suited up. On the way I noticed something suspicions out of the corner of my eye, the very same thing that got me into this mess in the first place was sitting under a pile of clothes. The box.

I quickly snatched it out of its resting place and ran. The box hasn't been sent to earth yet and my paranoia cuncluded that by that logic if I can't get this sent ~~back~~ to earth for the first time then the evil king guy would have never come to earth for the box and I wouldn't have saved equestria in that timeline causing me to case to exist. Panic ensued and I realized that this would essentially kill Théodore and Clyde since Twilight wouldn't have invaded my mind and gave Clyde freedom and I wouldn't have sung with Théodore ether.

I ran as fast as my legs would take me and I was knocked unconscious and woken up by Clyde in one hell of a suit. He told me to get changed and said we needed to talk. I got into my suit and I even got a new tye...wait hold up. It's the tye I wore before I came to equestria! I found my tye also in the junkyard a few weeks before the cube and I thought it was absolutely amazing. FUCK.

I explained to Clyde the situation and showed him the elderich cube. He yanked Théodore out of the shop and we then discussed the timeline. Théodore's eyes went wide and said we needed to see the princess and get help.
We made a quick five step plan: one- attend party as usual. two- break off of group and draw the crowd away from the princesses. three- tell them a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. four- send the tye and box to their respective times and places. And finally five- PROFIT.

With this we proceed on to phase one of the plan. Acting about as naturally as three guys about to be wiped of the face of this planet could be. We had to go along with any shtick they threw at us to avoid attention.

We arrived and planned to split up but unfortunately a the music crew had other plans and eventually...

"Wait what's that sound?"

"what are you talking about?"

dude can't you hear that music?
Théodore Looked at Clyde like he was crazy.

"screw this and this song. I'm not singing"
Clyde was hit in the back of the head with an apple just like the last time I refused to sing.

"Oh no you don't. If I had to sing you have to sing"

Clyde retreated to the shadows avoiding practically a storm of produce and left me for dead in the music infested waters.

"...fuck"

And then it happened:

"I can't believe we're finally here. With all that we've imagined,...
...the reality of this night is sure to make this: The Best Night Ever!"

"Please don-At the gala"

That's not what I wanted to say but that's what I said

"At the Gala,in the garden. I'm going to see them all!
All the creatures,I'll befriend them at the Gala (at the Gala).
All the birdies,and the critters. They will love me big and small!
We'll become good friends forever,right here at the Gala!"

"..."

"All our dreams will come true right here at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"(Sigh)"

"At the Gala (it's amazing). I will sell them (better hurry).
All my apple-tastic treats (yummy,yummy). Hungry ponies (they'll be snacking).
They will buy them (bring your money). Caramel apples,apple sweets (gimme some),
And I'll earn a lot of money for the Apple family!"

"I want to die"
My request remained unnoticed

"All our dreams and our hopes from now until here-after.
All that we've been wishing for will happen at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"At the Gala,all the royals. They will meet fair Rarity.
They will see I'm just as regal at the Gala (at the Gala).
I will find him,my Prince Charming,and how gallant he will be.
He will treat me like a lady,tonight at the Gala!"

"This is what we've waited for,to have the best night ever!
Each of us will live our dreams,tonight at the Gala! At the Gala!"

I never did find out how to get the screaming in my head to stop. But for a brief moment I discovered why it was screaming.
PAIN.
LOTS OF PAIN

"Been dreaming,I've been waiting to fly with those great ponies.
The Wonder-bolts,their daring tricks. Spinning round and having kicks.
Perform for crowds of thousands. They'll shower us with diamonds.
The Wonder-bolts will see me right here at the Gala!"

"All we've longed for. All we've dreamed. Our happy ever after!
Finally will all come true,right here at the Grand Gala! At the Gala!"

"I am here at the Grand Gala,for it is the best party;
But the one thing it was missing was a pony named Pinkie.
For I am the best at parties,all the ponies will agree.
Ponies playing. Ponies dancing,with me at the Grand Gala!"

Pinky stopped and looked me dead in the eyes and asked why she doesn't get many lines.
Never found out what she meant when she said that.

"Happiness and laughter at the Gala! At the Gala!"

"At the Gala (at the Gala),with the Princess (with the Princess)...
...is where I'm going to be (she will be).
We will talk all about magic and what I've learned and seen (she will see).
It is going to be so special as she takes time just for me!"

"this is the day! Tonight is the night! This time we will set it alight! At the gala.

Despite the tears and despite attempts to avoid singing. This happened and like a man possessed I was on autopilot:

"This is it. The final stretch. The moment in time that I get to bet. This is the night. I will set it alight! It's time to steal the spotlight!"

I gotta admit. I actually didn't sound half bad.

"This will be the best night ever! Into the Gala we must go. We're ready now.
We're all aglow. Into the Gala,let's go in and have the best night ever!
Into the Gala. Now's the time. We're ready and we look divine."

"Into the Gala,meet new friends."

"into the gala so the screaming will end"

"Into the Gala,sell some apples."

"Into the Gala,find my prince."

"Prove I'm great as a Wonderbolt is."

"To meet!"

"To sell!"

"To find!"

"To prove!"

"To woop!"

"To know why I'm being abused!"

"To talk!"

"Into the Gala! Into the Gala and...
...we'll have the best night ever! At the Gala!"

...where are the knives?

chapter 15: lets just throw bread at him, say he is a cunt sandwich and call it a day

So after singing against my will and being man-handled like a puppet we finally approached the gates to the gala and guess who was there? My ol' pal mc,fucknuggets. I don't know or care how he got out of the everfree forest alive but if I wasn't hellbent on correcting time I would have threw the basterd through a table and claimed the title of world heavyweight champion. It wasn't all bad though because as it turned out, sky was part of the entry guards. Nice. I reminded Théodore about my request earlier as I handed my ticket to sky and went inside with a big grin on my face.

I left the two alone to catch up on history and Clyde finally popped out of my shadow... Only to be hit with a tsunami of Apples. Yep he was down for the count. AGAIN. I gave a thumbs up to the sky (the actual one. Not the pony) and I can only assume it was pleased with me. For a brief moment I witnessed something much greater then myself. A giant cart of cheese. I got close and the smell alone raised Clyde from his produce induced coma:

"is that?"

"It is"

"Theholycart!"
We practically dived into the cart and started stuffing our faces as quickly as possible. If this is what I get for singing against my will. Then i will whip off my cloths throw myself into the punch bowl and sing "amazing grace" as slow as humanly possible if the universe wants me to. On the bright side the second and third steps to our master plan went off without a hitch. On the downside... We were the distraction.

I managed to snap out of it when I bit into a peace of cheese that tasted a bit off. We were swindled!...
Not really. As it turns out, I bit into a rock. Since I snapped out of it I awkwardly shuffled away from the cart and cleaned myself off I looked around for Luna. Eventually I found her surrounded by nobles. She looked completely dead inside, I walked closer until I heard a voice and some sort of sentence involving a insult towards a distraught scootaloo.

Clyde heard it all the way from the cheese cart and it's safe to say the basterd won't ever learn.
I got closer and pulled out the sick-stick, I hit him very hard over the head. So hard in fact that I broke the weapon.
Clyde came out of left field, he jumped into the air and slammed a giant cheese wheel into the prick. He was hit so hard that he was actually embedded into the cheese wheel. Me and Clyde booted the wheel as hard as we could and Clyde threw some sort of shadow portal at the wall as the moment the wheel made contact he fell from an unseen portal on the ceiling. He fell to the ground and the wheel shatterd apart leaving a big ol' mess of cheddar cheese. He twitched and i told the crowd to get a medic.

I went back to go check on scootaloo while Clyde told Luna about the time troubles

"Hey, you ok?"

She was in tears but they seemed to slow down a bit.

"Uh god I'm bad with kids want a piggyback ride?"

She looked at me quizzically and she even stopped crying

"what's that?"

I smiled and told her to grab my neck and hop on my back. She did and when she put her hooves together it was like watching two magnets stick to each other. I ran around the room for a bit after she hoisted herself up onto my shoulders and she was giggling all the way. Ah going fast. PURE COMEDY GOLD!

"What was that guy saying anyway?"

" he said that I didn't deserve the ticket and that-that-

She was on the verge of crying again

"Don't worry about it scootaloo, seriously, that same guy is the one who was insulting people around ponyvill."

I spotted rainbow out of the corrner of my eye and waved her over, she didn't notice

"Ah crap"

Then Clyde came up

"ok Luna knows and she told Celestia. She wants me you and Théodore to meet up in the courtroom

I gave him a thumbs up and I crouched down for scootaloo to get off.

"thanks, uh do you think I could come with you? It's kinda boring out here"

"Ah screw it, the more the merrier!"

We headed to the court and Théodore was waiting, he promptly hugged me with a flurry of "thank you"s

"ah so you have arrived

Celestia entered the room with Luna.

"Ok great. So basically..."

I explained the situation again and Luna nodded and spoke.

"so in order for thy to exist thy must "close the loop"?"

"correct, do you two have anything that can help us?

I could go through and say the long and complicated process that she explained but instead I decided on NOT spending the hour and a half that she did.

"Ok let's just do this before things go wrong and we cease to exist. The sisters nodded and threw some mirror looking thing on the ground and asked for the items. I undid my tye and dropped it into the reflection of the junkyard. We proceeded to do the same thing as the cube when suddenly: out of nowhere the basterd who insulted scootaloo kicked me and Clyde into the mirror. I managed to grab the edge and Clyde had a iron grip on my foot. Scootaloo and Théodore rushed over to help us... Only to also be pushed on to us causing me to lose my grip and fall into the mirror.

The mirror closed and the sisters looked at the prick in shock. Suddenly the windows exploded and in burst Clyde. The sisters looked in shock as the rest of us followed.

"GUESS WHO?"

The princess took a long look at the very different group. Scootaloo promptly gave the prick a wing assisted knockout uppercut and claimed the title of lightweight champion.

"Ok now bring out the chairs and one extra, I need to explain some things."

Slowly a fifth figure crawled from the window and took a seat at the last open chair

"So let's pick up right after we fell into the mirror thing..."

chapter 16: the trash man

Ok so basically as we fell Clyde was a fast thinker and made a shadow portal-thing below us so we wouldn't die on impact. We landed in the forest near the wank-shack (Abel's nickname for my shed), I decided to check the others for injuries: Clyde and scootaloo were fine and I had a red mark on my back from when the basterd shoved me but I'd live and Théodore...
Well as it turns out, the fresh spring air of the junkyard brings out a new side of Théodore.

"I just... What? What am I looking at? Is that a person? Yep that's a person... HOLY CRAP HE IS NOW A PERSON"

in the ol'one two what'cha gonna do switcheroo Théodore was human, and I was confused. Yep during his time on earth Théodore was completely 80% bonafide human. He opened his eyes to me,Clyde and scootaloo looking at him in shock.

"why are you staring at me?"

"Well...uh, I really don't know how to deal with this situation."

He looked down and stumbled back.

The scream he let out was so high pitched that we couldn't hear it... But a dog shelter about thirty miles away went absolutely ballistic. I grabbed him by the shoulders and told him to snap out of it. After a bit of time spent on calming down Théodore, Me and Clyde then had to teach him how to walk FUN.

We approached the wank shack (or as some people call it. "The nut shack") and I opened the crappy wood door:

"Welcome to my humble abode that has been dubbed oh so long ago: the wank shack"

Clyde giggled and scootaloo was looking around for anything notable.

"what's this?"

"Oh that's the..." I stopped when I saw the S-T-V magnet sitting on my shelf just like the day I went to shoot cube.

"EVERYONE OUT OF THE NUT SHACK!"

"but I thought it was called-"

"JUST GET OUT OF MA SHED!"

I pushed everyone out of the shack and apparently just in time because right then and there I saw myself approaching the shoddy shed (I myself don't even know what it's going to be called in an hour or two.) My doppelgänger placed a leaky green cube on the shelf and fell asleep in the bed.

"We aren't safe here. We need to get to Able's junkyard"

Clyde nodded but was looking rather...unstable

"Clyde hold up"

"yeah?"

"Dude you look like you are literally going to fall apart."

If the laws of physics allowed it, Clyde's arm would fall off comically Clyde sighed and said something I feared. Clyde would be dead by daylight.

"What!? Why?"

"without the presence of mana my form is growing unstable"

"Hold up. The only reason you are going to die soon. Is literally because magic."

Clyde nodded slowly

"What do?"

" I need to take on a form that could live without magic for a while. Basically what I'm trying to say is I need a bit of your body" Clyde said with an awkward smile

"I fucking knew you wanted me for my body"

"what was that?"

"Nothing. Ok so what's the catch?"

Clyde said I would basically be used as a sort of basic model for it. I needed to basically just lie down and roll around in the dirt a bit. Ok a bit weird but eh. He then took out some sort of book and drew arrows between the pit I was rolling around in and the pit he would roll around in. The arrows started glowing and Clyde said to keep rolling. After ten minutes I started feeling lightheaded and Clyde said to stop. I climbed out of the pit and looked at Clyde. We looked like we could be related.

"Damm"

He looked less like a shadow and more like the the palest Irishman that the world has ever seen.
He told me that I wouldn't really be affected. I now have a hand that looks like it was covered in tar and dragged through a gunpowder factory. As a plus I can now take the ol' razzle dazzle to souring new heights.

"Can I make shadow portals?"

"no"

"DAMMIT!"

Well gala suit. You had your fun but unfortunately I don't think rolling around in the dirt and then getting magically altered isn't going to come out in the washer. We carried on and eventually we reached the junkyard.

"Ok so how should we do this?"

"I am going in"

"What?"

"I think it's high time I meet my real father...what? Did you not expect me to put the pieces together?

I said nothing as he walked over to the door of the trailer and knocked hesitantly. The door opened and out steeped Abel

"...dad?"

Abel went wide eyed and pulled Théodore into a hug. Ok I guess he needs no explanations. Just hugs.

Scootaloo was nearly in tears and it took me this long to put the picture together.

Yep

Her parents are probably pretty dead.

I gave her a hug and she looked at me in shock. Then went back to tears but this time it was less sad.

She had been bamboozled again

chapter 17: Babi N' Papi

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

ACT TWO chapter 18: twilight impolitely enters Clyde's pants...in other words: rape

After the gala wrapped up eventually I went back with twilight to the treehouse and I violently threw myself onto the bed.
I woke up the next day and after a very delicious breakfast consisting of air and disappointment I went outside for a walk.
The town was deserted and unfortunately for me I had no clue about the horrific sights ahead.
I'm going to water down what I saw so I don't end up getting blacklisted by everyone ever.

Buttsex. buttsex everywhere

Ugh.

So as it turned out I found a major plus to the whole curse thing. I am completely immune to estrus.
Only problem? Clyde isn't.

"we need to go."

"What clued you in? The fucking gang-bang or the ARMY OF SEX CRAZED MARES?!"

We ran and managed to get into the library. I shoved as many things into the doorway as possible and finished with haste.

"Holy fuck."

"fuck indeed"

Spike was in the corner having a freakout, twilight was MIA, and the basement was off limits because until estrus is done it has been converted into a filthy sex dungeon. I decided that a rescue plan for the only other males in the town was necessary.

"Ok Clyde I am going to distract the others and while I'm doing that I need you to send the other guys back to your place."

He didn't have time to say what a shit plan it was. It was too late. I already had the skeleton suit on.
I removed the barricade and whipped out the S-T-V magnet. I kicked the door open and let the crazy flow

"HEY ITS FEBRUARY AND THATS A MONTH AND OCTOBER IS ALSO A MONTH AND A DAY IS IN A MONTH AND HALLOWEEN IS A DAY SO TECHNICALLY ITS SPOOKY TIME! AHAHAHA! IM IN THE ZONE. THE BONE ZONE!"

I raised my gun and shot wildly into the air letting out a manic laugh as the sex army ran as fast as they could. I spent the rest of the afternoon running around in the costume barging into people's houses and searching for anyone I could send to ~~the bone zone~~ Clyde's place.

I also found the crusaders and luckily they were young enough that they weren't affected by estrus yet.

"why are you dressed up as a skeleton?"

"Why not?"

Clyde opened the portal and leading the trio through he told me that we had gotten everyone except spike. We ran back to the library dodging mares left and right we ran inside and mounted a rescue mission:

"Stealth is optional"

We burst through the front door screaming, throwing jars and just attempting to draw twilight's attention in general. Clyde threw down a portal and I grabbed spike like a football and threw myself and spike into the portal. We all made it safely and I let spike join the others as I stepped back though the portal only to see claw marks draging halfway to twilights room...

"Twilight! Let Clyde go!"

A note slid under the door and it read:

dear noah: NO -Clyde

Clyde then opened the door a crack and put a little do not disturb sign on the door before slamming it shut. It was too late for Clyde. When you enter the bone zone there is no coming back unchanged. Without Clyde the portal closed and I was trapped and the mares closed in...only to walk past me and look towards twilights room.

I took the opportunity to walk outside and I noticed a large group of them running after something

"He's over here!"

"extra thick!"

The large group ran towards the sound. leaving the town barren and empty. The only thing I never found out was how the disembodied voice made its way to the past.

Life uh finds a way.

I wandered around the town for a bit and eventually I decided my job was finished so I went back to the library removed the suit and stuffed it into the closet. I made an attempt at fixing the door and I rearranged the furniture to the proper locations as I pondered how long Clyde had a thing for twilight. Considering this is only his second day with a proper face I would say that there was a possibility that ether Clyde simply couldn't express emotions well when he was a shadow (but I disagree) or he was a master of keeping his feelings in check.

Eventually Clyde left the room and made his way towards the bathroom... Only to promptly come back out:

"uh Noah?"

"Do you need help?"

He nodded

"(Sigh) ok tell me what you think you need to do"

"ok so I just sit down here relax and I think it's called peeping?"

"Dude if you remember my memory's then you know what to do"

"dude I never looked during then. Miss me with that gay shit"

I deadpanned

"sorry"

"Just do it."

He sighed as I left and shut the door as he did his business. I gave a look into twilight's room and instead of a ravaged wasteland it was relatively clean and twilight was making the bed.

"...hi"

A gigantic blush appeared on her face

"..."

"Listen I don't care what you do in your free time and if you legitimately want to be with Clyde then that's fine, if all of... That was just estrus acting then if you want I can just forget about it"

"...thank you... I-I think I'm going to give it a try... That is if Clyde wants to."
She was more quiet then flutershy and blushing so much that her regular purple hue was replaced with a bright cherry red

A eye catching glowing blue test tube with Clyde's name on it was on the shelf...

"...twilight?"

"y-yes?"

"Is that-"

"yes"

"I hope that's only for science"

She was now an even brighter shade of red.

I left and Clyde was sitting on the couch.

"Did you seriously-"

"yep"

"Why did it look like papa smerf liquified and started glowing?"

"that's what we are trying to find out"

"(Sigh) ok I guess I can-"

"we need a sample of yours for comparison"

"What so you expect me to just rip off my pants throw my legs up in the air and paint the room white?!"

"but it's for science!"

"Science can eat my ass...
But fine. I'll do it. But you owe me"

I went into the bathroom and had the worlds most shameful wank.

"..."

"Noah. -I-"

"Just bring back the guys"

He nodded and opened the portal.

All and all I can say for certain that today as a whole was only marginally better then the one time I had to save that kid who stuck his dick in the toaster.

Author's Note

I have just realized the issue with Clyde and twilight hooking up.

how will we be able to tell them apart 😓

Screw it. From now on Clyde will be speaking in green

Sides, it's not like spike gets many lines anyway.

chapter 19: A candy crusade

Author's Note

"Tonight we dine in hell!"-Walmart greeter Steven on B-day (Black Friday 2018)

chapter 19: A candy crusade

the following days after estrus was filled with apologies and ruined relationships (so basically a night on the couch for the offenders) and after hours of nothing turning into days and eventually months I had almost blown my brains out until nightmare night rolled around:

"This is going to be amazing!"

"so what are we dressing up as?"

"Crusaders!"

"...what?"

"I already got the costumes made and by nightfall we will ether be storming the gates of Jerusalem or snagging sweets"

"ok!"

She perked up at the mention of candy and went to the clubhouse to explain to the other crusaders tonight's plan.
Really I'm supprised no one else thought of this (hint hint).

Unfortunately I couldn't remember what a real crusader looked like so I basically copied and pasted that one guy from dark souls who praises the sun, I think his name was solaris or something like that? Eh close enough.

"do you really think this is a good idea?"

"Yes"

"fine. Should I go as that one knife guy from teamfortress two or a ninja?"

"Also yes"

"well that's helpful"

" just go with the spy"

"fine, doesn't really matter since I have to wait for the results to come back"

"Ok papa smerf"

"Never call me that again"

"Never bring up estrus again"

"...deal"

With this I set out to rarity's for my costume and in the end I was clad in armour and ready to test the limits of EVERYTHING,

I went to the farm and approached the tree house.

"wait so that's what a crusader actually is?"

"yep! At least that's what Noah told me."

"Sisters! Don your armour! We make for the village at first moonlight!"

"what?"

"Oh! sorry I thought we were going to do this in character"

"no we are. Right sisters? (Nudge nudge)"

"oh- uh...yar?"

"... Eh Close enough. Anyway put on your armour- er costumes...It's time for a REAL crusade!"

Scootaloo was bouncing in excitement and rarity did her best to create a pony version of a warrior of sunlight (minus the creepy sun on the front) and I got to say that she absolutely nailed it. Not many were prepared for the quadruple threat asking for candy. In true crusader fashion naturally we set fire to the bridge on the outskirts of ponyvill (swords, shields and fake plastic torches make very poor fire starters) and we set after our ambitions of glory and glorified begging

"Sister scootaloo, I need recon on the city"

"very well brother Noah."

She blasted off on her scooter and circled around town

"hey sweetie bell?"

"yeah?"

"don't you think scootaloo is acting strange around this Noah fellow?

"kinda. Why?"

"brother noah! Their appears to be 78 houses accounted for."

"Excellent. Come sisters! Tonight we dine in a slightly elevated location!"

"..."

"I meant the clubhouse. Anyway-"

"CHARGE!"

Me and scootaloo stormed the town with the other crusaders hesitation slowing them down

knock knock knock

"nightmare night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!"

The pony put some candy in scootaloo's bag and shut the door. We rinsed and repeated this many times and our candy bags grew six times that day.

"Yes! Sisters we shall feast like royalty this nightmare night!"

"yay!"

Out of the corrner of my eye I spotted Luna talking to twilight about something.

"Speaking of royalty... I'm going to break out of the group for a bit sister scootaloo."

"aw"

"You don't have to go if you don't want to."

"ok! Uh can I just stick with you?"

"That's a-ok with me"

We went over to the duo and Luna looked distraught.

"Greetings! How art thou this fine night?"

"are you mocking me?"

"Sorry luna! I was trying to stay in character"

"speaking of which...what are you?"

"we're crusaders!"

"oh I remember you from the gala! Tell me what's your name little one?"

"scootaloo!"

"and as a group we are..."

It was as if the trio telepathically communicated and teleported to sync up for maximum output.

"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!!!"

A nearby house broke all its windows as a result.

"he-ha...oops?"

"remarkable... You replicated the royal canterlot voice!"

"the what now?"

"WHAT?"

They had knocked out my hearing and the only sound registering was a ringing and the usual screaming. It was hear (Ha puns) that I realized that I had stopped being insane two years prior. I made an assumption that it was someone who simply couldn't accept death. Just like me. So she hung on and with my hearing out of commission I had this chat in my head:

"So how ya doing nightmare?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Good, good, did you try to take control?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Good chat, good chat, tell me. Did you get into the mixtape?"

"HOWDOIMAKEITSTOP?!?!"

"Well it starts with you SHUTING THE FUCK UP"

"..."

"Ok good. Now I'm going to turn it off and we are going to have a...chat."

CLICK

"Ok now, the fuck you doin in ma head? You could have ended up dead"

Back at it again with the super sick rhymes.

"I just wanted ponys to love my night-"

"BULLSHIT, they already like the night!... They just fear what usually lurks in it."

"how dare they treat it with such dis-"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"

"but-"

"SHUT IT!"

"(Sigh) look I have a... Proposition for you"

... I'm listening.

"I am willing to let you go free in a sense and be reborn under the condition that you announce who you are and how sorry you are."

"what? Just like that I get almost everything I wanted just for that?"

"I believe in redemption. That and I kinda want to show you some nightlife"

"Ok I can hear again and I'm going to talk this over with Clyde"

I snapped out of it and realized I had been standing there for about an hour. Everyone was closing up shop and I was tired as hell. I returned to the tree house and I talked to Clyde.

"Clyde I got more voices in my head! We need that thing from earlier"

"what!? But-"

"I wasn't asking, this is my favour"

He reluctantly went outside and made the pit and I climbed inside and started to roll around just like last time.

Meanwhile...

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"(Yawn) hello and welcome to ponyvill orphanage but unfortunately we aren't-"

"Miss I'm here on account of the equestrian community of parenthood and we finally found enough evidence in the records to pinpoint the identity of the orphan: scootaloo's father"

"Why that's wonderful! I will let her know first thing tomorrow!"

"Have a good night miss"

The door shut and the agent shifted and changed shape.

"I hope this will be a proper thanks to that sonny who saved Applebloom.

EXTREME PLOT TWIST INCOMING

chapter 20: becoming a father step one: accepting your death

The ritual went off with a bang and ended with me now having shadow legs. On the bright side? I can now actually survive any fall so long as I land on my feet. Downside? I can no longer drop kick the prick who pushed us into the mirror without killing him. I wonder what happened to him?

(sinker)

... Ok then I guess Clyde knows something I don't.
Anyway in the other hole was a bright blue pony who really needed a snickers. She would be in a coma for the next few days so we put her in the closet left a note and went to bed. I woke up to spike calling out my name so stumbled into the entryway only to be met with a stern looking mare who in every sense of the word was "too old for this shit"

"Hello mister...Noah?"

"Hello random stranger, tell me, why are you here"

"We have DNA evidence suggesting that one of the local orphans is actually related to you!"

"WHAT?! IN WHAT WAY?!"

"Um daughter...sir."

"Name?"

"It was Scootaloo, look sir I-"

It was too late. I was gone. I ran faster then the speed of plaid to the orphanage and practically smashed into the side so hard I left a crater. I heard voices from the inside:

"YOU FOUND HIM?! What's his name? What's he-"

I ran around to the front and dug into the emergency bit supply hidden in my back pocket and gave the receptionist a thick wad of coins

"For the damage"

The little pony behind the reception was terrified and shuddered as I kicked open the door to the room I heard scootaloo's voice a small bit away.

"when is he coming?!"

"Easy scootaloo. It will be a bit and I don't know how to say this but he is not exactly a...pony."

"...then what is he?"

The wood door that separated me and my daughter was annihilated as I made my entrance

An very tense silence followed and was broken by the head of the orphanage.

"Uh I believe that's him."

"ITS YOU?!"

I nodded slowly still with a shocked expression on my face

"how?!"

"I don't know?! Did someone screw up the test because if so I am going ram my fist so far up their-"

"NO SWEARING IN MY ORPHANAGE!"

"...frick"

She deadpanned.

"(Sigh) look scootaloo, let's go to twilights and just do the test ourselves. Twilight probably was the one who sent my DNA anyway."

I left though the shatterd door and set a course to the treehouse.

I entered the house and made my way into the basement where twilight was looking for something.

"Twilight I need a DNA test on me and scootaloo stat!"

"but-"

"No buts we need results. This... Is important to me twilight. We need to know."

"know what?"

"If me and scootaloo are related"

She looked at me and scootaloo then sighed and plucked a feather off of scootaloo and she then grabbed my "sample"... that was the only DNA I willing provided.

"Twilight never mind (sigh) if was a fluke. The only thing that had my DNA is the jar of-"

DING

"... You are the father."

Clyde who was sitting at his own device did a spit take

"WHAT!?"

"...where were you?"

"I was being lied to and blamed by a doctor who said the baby died...then saw death take her away."

"wait I think I remember something like this..."

"Was it something like If I ever see you again I am going to literally going to-"

"-give you a lobotomy with your own leg and then Shit fury?"

"LANGUAGE!"

"sorry miss twilight"

"...Beth?"

"what's a Beth?... And why is it so...strange?"

"It is- was supposed to be your name."

"dude. You might need this"

"... Did you just print out a Wiki how article?"

"yes"

"How? This world doesn't even have printers?"

Clyde shrugged and whipped out a bottle of hard liquor and downed the bottle before returning to work on whatever it was he was doing.

"... Wanna get a pizza?"

"YOU HAVE PIZZA HERE?!"

And so we went off for some father daughter bonding at the local pizza chain

"Would you like any parmesan with that?"

"Yes"

"Ok sir just say when."

I never said when. The room was flooded with cheese and eventually the entirety of equestria was covered in a thick layer of gourmet cheese.

Fine. I lied

"Sir we are out of Parmesan"

"..."

"No we don't have anymore"

"DAMMIT"

"...so scootaloo. Did anyone else know about you being a orphan?"

"... No"

"Might be a shock when they find out I'm your...dad huh?"

It was very weird to say the word. A good weird but still strange nonetheless.

"yeah I suppose-"

SLAM

"Hey it's the blank flank and her pet monkey!"

"Scootaloo?"

"yeah dad?"

"Could you tell her politely to bugger off? Last time I tried to do this I ended up punting the basterd into a tree"

"Hey chicken!"

I stood up as tall as I could manage without turning around

"I'm sorry but exactly what did you say to my daughter?"

"Oh so the monkey thinks he's-"

"Ok I'm going to stop you there. Now listen up you little prick. I don't care if you are a child if you want to fight meet me behind the school in one hour."

"Y-you can't be serious-"

"No I'm deadly serious. You. Me. One hour. I don't care. these hands rated E for everyone."

"Pff I don't have time for this a-and you aren't tha-"

I smeard the pizza sauce on my face in a fashion similar to a deranged clown and gave scootaloo a wink

"You wanna know how I got these scars? My father was, a drinker and a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that not.. one.. bit.. So, me watching he takes the knife to her laughing while he does it. He turns to me, eh, and he says,“Why so serious?!” He comes at me with the knife, “Why so serious?!” He sticks the blade in my mouth, “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And….."

I moved my hand in a slashing movement then turned towards her with a big grin.

“Why so serious?”

"Aaaaaaaaaa!"

She ran screaming and I wiped the sauce off my face with the entire pizzeria laughing with me.

"nice."

"If she tries anything involving you or your friends just let me know."

"really?"

"Yep! And if she calls you a chicken again we could pull out ye olde prank kit"

"what?"

"Tar and feather"

"ooh! Yes!"

We left the pizzeria and wandered around town while talking about the past.

"So how did you end up in that orphanage anyway?"

"well I actually don't remember how I got there. All I know is that apparently some unknown pony named Alex took care of me and eventually left me there with a note"

"Uh could you excuse me for a moment?"

"...ok?"

I walked a fair distance away

"FOR FUCKS SAKE! IS EVERYONE FROM MY PAST GOING TO SHOW UP?! WHATS NEXT?! IS SMOKING JOE GOING TO CRAWL OUT OF THE SEWER RIDE HIS SHITTY TINY MOTERCYCLE OVER TO ME AND TRY TO EXPLORE THE FUCKING CREVICE OF MY ANUS AGAIN JUST FOR THE LULZ?!?! FUCK!"

I walked back to scootaloo

"Sorry bout that. Ok now I need to go back to the orphanage for the note."

"why?"

"Because I believe that if he was the same he was when he vanished from the face of the earth. then chances are he defied death, rescued you and then eventually realized he couldn't take care of a child."

Knowing Alex he probably just walked up to death and just took scootaloo.

"All I know is this entire situation has left me as usual-"

"-bamboozled again?"

no tears. just liquid pride

chapter 21: you know I'm something of a scientist myself

We returned to the orphanage and scootaloo waited outside as I approached reception. This time it was a bigger more intimidating mare

"Hello. When scootaloo here was first dropped off at the orphanage she was left with a note. May I see it?"

"No"

"Why?"

"I burned all the notes."

"WHAT?! WHY?"

"Couldn't be bothered. That and apparently some stallion was willing to pay well for this."

"...basterd"

Suddenly the same mare from earlier sprung out of a unseen door...or the wall.

"NO SWEARING IN MY!-"

"I DONT GIVE TWO TITS!"

"..."

I left without any further words

"so how did it go?"

"IM SUPER DEPRESSD!"

"...What?"

"Let's just go"

As we went back to the library the sun was setting and it was here that I realized something was up.

"Wait. Where are you going to sleep?"

"uh...can't I just sleep with you?"

"Ok that's gonna do for now"

We entered the library and spike was sleeping in a basket and twilight was asleep and laying beside a rather ragged looking Clyde who looked at me sheepishly.

"...need help sleeping?"

He nodded not wanting to wake up twilight

"Ok so basically lay down close your eyes and pretend your asleep."

He looked at me confused

"...that wasn't a joke."

He sighed and laid down. Moment he closed his eyes he was out.

"Ok let's go to bed"

We went to my room and instead of literally throwing myself onto the bed violently, I slowly walked over to it.

"wow! Your bed is HUGE!"

"I'm a big boy (at least here I am)"

I sat on the edge of the bed and laid down. Scootaloo jumped on top of me then went on the other side of the admittedly oversized bed and She fell asleep. I soon followed.

Morning came and I heard voices.

"aw they look so cute together."

"they even sleep in the same weird positions... That's his daughter alright"

I opened my eyes and I was a little startled by everything being upside down. And so was scootaloo as i fell out of bed

"ECH!"

I hit the floor and I probably would have done the dinosaur if scootaloo had not fell with me. she nearly shared my fate until twilight caught her with magic.

"you ok? That sounded bad"

"I'm fine. Just got some adrenaline pumping from the scare"

"hey! Keep that to your self!"

"What?"

"uh twilight. Don't you know what adrenaline is?"

She blushed

"of course. It's-"

"No it's not anything sexual."

"It's something the body produces for dangerous situations...You don't have adrenaline?"

She shook her head no.

"Ok then come on everyone lets go see a doctors opinion on this"

Luckily it was a Sunday and scootaloo didn't have school. So we went over to the hospital and twilight set up a appointment with a doctor.

"hello you may come in now."

"Thanks."

I learned a little bit about pony anatomy and apparently unicorns have Extra parts in the brain for producing magic.
It's the same with Pegasi except the reason they can't do magic like the others is because they have two weaker organs near the wings.

We did some X-Rays on me and I used the power of biology to explain what adrenaline was. Eventually the topic shifted and we tried to find a logical explanation for how scootaloo has difficulty flying.

"that's really interesting... And you say that she is biologically your daughter?"

I nodded and Twilight confirmed it by showing him the D.N.A results. He was intrigued and asked for a special type of X -Ray involving magic.

"from what I am seeing it appears that the reason for her inability to fly is stemming from the organ right here being a bit small. However there is hope! When she is a bit older it should grow to a suitable size. Though there is just one thing that is peculiar. The organ looks a little strange and it appears that it is not only producing magic. But also something else...

Scootaloo was looking a bit nervous

"Wait. I have an idea, but we need three blood samples."

"why three?"

"Because we need to know how my and your blood compares to a Pegasus. Can you help doc?"

He was already prepping the needle. And Scootaloo was fidgeting in the chair.

"ok I have the necessary blood for comparison I just need Scootaloo's blood and yours."

"Ok just-OW!"

He got me while I was trying to prepare myself. And a nurse did the same with Scootaloo.

"well it appears that scootaloo has some strange substance in her blood sample that doesn't exist in our volunteer sample however it is also present in your blood as well. Is this that adrenaline you spoke of?"

"...it is. Congrats Scootaloo your not only going to fly but there is a small chance you might be un-killable by conventional means."

"really?"

"well not exactly. But you probably have a lot of extra usefulness with it."

"I know we discussed what adrenaline can do but exactly what are you talking about?"

"Have you ever heard of a second wind?"

The doctor shook his head

"Ok so basically if she gets exhausted by running or something like that if she can continue for a small bit longer or if something threatening happened the adrenaline would start and give her energy to burn and the adrenaline also numbs pain. She would feel exhausted after she calmed down. In a life or death situation if something put her into shock, instead of just passing out she would have a small period of time where she would be able to move to safety if she is close enough. It would also prevent her from convulsing and dying immediately after the adrenaline rush is done."

I have no idea how true that last part was but I wasn't a doctor so that was what I went with

"woah..."

"And all it takes is a bit of determination. After all. This is a small reason why we usually change "impossible" to "improbable"."

"sadly I believe we are out of time for this season. Thanks bye now!"

We got quickly escorted out of the building and I suspect it had something to do with something. And that's saying something.

"Wait. Something is wrong. Where did everyone go? This place is packed at this hour."

We looked around and eventually we found where everyone went.

To a magic show.

Kinda redundant now that I think about it though.

chapter 22: A Dutch lullaby

We went over to the stage at a brisk pace and a giant crowd was waiting for the show to start. I sat down so other people could see the show,

"what's this?"

"I think it's a magic show"

"isn't that kinda redundant?"

"It's magic. It makes everything redundant. Even itself"

Twilight snuck off to the front because she saw her friends. We couldn't hear the show very well from the back but when the pony dressed up kinda like a wizard showed up it was pretty intreging. Eventually it looked like the pony on the stage was arguing with somebody up front and she let go of a curtain that was hiding a cage... With nothing in it. The crowd went wild over the empty cage and this confused me quite a bit.

"uh why are they cheering? It's just an empty cage."

"I have no idea"

"let's get closer. Maybe it's something up close?"

I stood up and we pushed our way to the front where, surprise surprise, The cage was still empty. We then saw the mane six crowding around rarity. Who promptly ran off with green hair and spike in hot pursuit (swigity swooty).

"Woah! What happened?"

"twilight. You ok?"

"yep! E-Everything is fine!"

She was lying.

"you disappoint me ponyvill. Can anypony better the great an-"

It was then that she spotted me and Clyde. A big smile appeared on her face and all I could say was it was a look that really only appears on one hell of a good day.

"you two look interesting, perhaps the great and powerful T-"

"No"

"what?"

"No I don't want to go around in a little cage and play music against my will. Nope"

"but you haven't heard my full offer"

I covered Scootaloo's ears

"Listen miss great and powerful. I am a living and thinking individual, you, miss, are just a cunt."

She was blushing having been embarrassed

"HAHAHA! I'm kidding! I'm kidding! no not really so anyway..."

I stepped onto the stage

"mind if I give that challenge a go?"

She hesitated then nodded

"Ok so I don't have any magic or anything like that but I would like to test a little experiment."

I went over to the back of the stage and I grabbed a sword prop.

"Ok so can everyone see how I'm holding this fake sword?"

The crowd nodded for the most part

I put the sword down and ballad my hand up into a fist. And touched the sword in an attempt to pick it up.

"Now you see how I can't pick it up without getting a good grip on it right?"

"yes. Your point is?"

"Ok so now I need a volunteer to hold the sword for me. Scootaloo could you do that?"

She got onto the stage and picked up the sword with her hoof.

"Now can someone explain exactly how she is holding the sword without anything to grip it?"

Practically everyone had a dropped jaw, twilight was processing the information and rainbow picked up a rock and then dropped it bewildered

"Yep. I'm just as confused as you probably are. Could we get someone who knows about science to figure this out at some point?"

The crowd murmured amongst itself and I exited stage right with Scootaloo following closely, we returned to the group

"girls pack up we need to test this. Spike take a note."

All signs of nervousness had left twilight the moment I threw out my observation

"uh spike ran after rarity"

"oh..."

"I'm kinda tired"

"Me too. Hey can we just go back to the library and get some sleep?"

"fine."

We raced back to the house fuelled by the desire of rest and we made record time. We reached the house and went into the basement with Scootaloo. I climbed into bed and Scootaloo jumped up and laid down beside me.
I fell asleep for a bit.

We were both awoken by a large rumbling. I went outside to investigate. Then suddenly, giant star bear out of nowhere because reasons.

"THATS A HUGE BITCH!"

It was absolutely massive

"WHAT IS THAT THING?"

"if I throw a ball at it, would it get lost in space?"

She deadpanned.

"Sorry. I got curious."

In the distance we saw sparks flying towards the giant bear.

"Dear god it's like they want the forest to burn"

"what?"

"Sorry. Just some memories of my ol'pal smokey. I would say he practically burned the motto into my mind but he don't do fire"

"...what?"

"Only you can prevent forest fires"

She gave me a look that just screamed confusion (perhaps she's been...Bamboozled again :3)

I snapped out of it and headed towards the chaos in the distance. Scootaloo clinging to my leg as we approached the town centre. Everyone was running in different directions in a panic.

"Ok it's even bigger up close. So uh...what do we do?"

"throw things...then it explodes...?"

"Well considering this place kinda runs off of cartoon rules... Yep just throw stuff."

We grabbed any nearby objects and hurled it at the bear. Chairs, food, tables even someone's sink from a destroyed house. Sadly It made no difference thanks to our piss poor aim.

Unfortunately for us the bear took notice of us and slowly headed towards us with a face of curiosity.

"Oh fuck, what ever you do. Don't run, that will give it a reason to chase you. Just walk fast."

we quickly power-walked away and made it to the group in the center

"Could one of you explain how and why whinny (pun!) the pooh found true enlightenment and decided to attack the town?"

"no time!"

"alright twi let's do this."

She magically picked up the bear and tried to put it to sleep.

"we need to calm it down!"

I had an idea.

I hated my idea

"Lullaby?"

"yes DO IT QUICKLY!"

"(Sigh) fine...but we going Dutch."

I was so glad that Alex taught me a Dutch lullaby.

"bloed en bloemen, bloed en bloemen. Het is hetzelfde, het is hetzelfde, je loopt door het bloedbad, je had dat moeten doen, ga slapen. ga slapen."

"...dude"

It worked. The large bear was swiftly removed, and the town was saved. And eventually two little boys showed up and admitted that they led the bear into the town so they could see some more magic tricks. Guess how well that went?

Anyway we went back to the house...and then the unexpected happened.

"can I have a lullaby too?"

Wat

"Uh...ok just give me a second"

I needed to find a better and slightly less bloody Dutch lullaby.
Then I found it

"Ok here we go...(Ahem) Slaap, baby slaap, Buiten loopt een schaap, Een schaap met witte voeten, Wie drinkt zijn melk zo zoet, Slaap, baby slaap, Buiten is er wal"

She fell asleep rather quickly. And my heart exploded, I gave her a quick kiss on the forehead then got into the sheets and fell asleep beside her.

Some things are worth fighting for.

You just might have to get thrown into a new world to find it

chapter 23: a nightmare is still a dream...

I woke up the next day and instead of a sudden and poor wake up like usual I saw a sight that made my heart explode again. Scootaloo was curled up on my chest using my beard as a pillow. (Fun fact: a beard is really scratchy when it first comes in but eventually gets extremely soft with proper care) 'twas a tender moment in my life...or it would be if her hair wasn't in my face. I tried to remain still and slowly moved scootaloo onto the side of the bed. I managed to get some breakfast (Mac and cheese for the win) and clean myself up, our special guest in the closet was finally waking up...i think? It was more like she fell out of the closet somehow.

"Welcome to the world of the living"

She still looked like she did when she was with Luna. Just smaller, her fur is grey and she was just a bit less...pronounced. Now that I had gotten a good look at her I could tell she was starved and in need of food

"I really don't know anything about you other then you were a parasite...but it seems like you Can think and talk independently without a host...man that sounds weird"

"...?"

She stumbled, looks like she isn't used to being weak...or hungry

"Ok, hold on a second."

I went back over to the stove and scooped up a bowl of mac and cheese, she looked at me confused.

"Here, eat this."

she very hesitantly took the spoon and in one of the most intense moments of my life she took a bite. Her eyes lit up like a goddamm Christmas tree and she devoured the bowl of cheesy noodles. I'm sad to say that she broke my record and yet I felt very proud of her.

"Feel better?"

She nodded and I'm pretty sure it was here that it hit her. She was real, not some nightmare or some weird body snatcher thing, but a living and breathing being,

She closed in and gave me a hug.

Yep, even while cursed I'm still apparently the smoothest fucker around

"thank you"

"Any time"

"how? How is this even possible?"

"Well i still had to pay a price"

"what?"

I lifted up my pants leggings and stretched my legs while performing the ol'razzle dazzle as my legs showed the consequences of my actions

"Sometimes being selfless brings a reward, you. but mostly (inhales) DEM KNEES (MMMHHH)."

"..."

Her horn lit up and she looked at me curiously. she then smiled in a non evil way.
as her horn got even brighter and I felt tired again, but I wasn't out yet

"What? But why-"

"let me help you"

Damm huge blue caring eyes, always convincing me of things

"...I trust you."

She seemed bewhiskered and bamboozled at my response.

"really?"

And by God I felt warm and fuzzy, I fell asleep and I woke up a few hours later In bed.

"Huh. Wonder what she did"

"HE'S AWAKE!"

I was concerned

"Where's nightmare?"

"in the basement."

"... Aren't we in the basement?"

I looked around and I saw twilight headed down the stairs and I also saw nightmare in the corner

I got up ignoring twilight and went over to my new friend.

"So, what did you do?"

She gave a smile and pointed to the magic device from last time,

"..."

I went over to the device and with the help of a nearby wrench I screwed in the tubes that broke off when twilight used it,
I stepped inside and started the device,

*DING*

The results were in.

No magic detected, Invalid input.

Guess what that means?

"...you didn't..."

"I did"

"FREE HUGS FOR ALL"

I gave her a big hug that she returned, then Clyde, and finally a bewildered Twilight.

"well that's one gift ruined"

"What?"

"you know the prick from the gala? I sent him off to collect the ingredients for the curse remover"

He pulled out a bottle with a very familiar elderich green glow...

"Dude. I think that's the same as the stuff that was in the box"

He gave me a dumbfounded look as I took the large bottle and inspected it

It looked like a propane tank from afar

"Holy shit dude, I think we just came full circle"

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

I went upstairs the propane tank forgotten and I completely oblivious to the fact that nightmare had been blushing since the hug.

"pleasebeapizzaguypleasebeapizzaguypleasebeapizzaguy"

"hi! I wasn't aloud to throw you a party until now because somepony was lazy and unmotivated so I decided on a pizza party!"

"HUGS"

Clyde came up stairs and the rest of the mane six followed pinky and entered the treehouse

"...uh pinky? I think you broke him"

"OOOH why are you speaking in rainbows Noah?"

"Wait what"

"what"

"what"

"...ok then. let's eat!"

We went over to the table in the kitchen and she set the pizzas down when suddenly from the basement:

"GIRLS GET THE ELEMENTS!"

The six hurried and as they entered the basement they threw on the elements of harmony. I was scared of what was happening so I rushed after them and saw twilight holding down nightmare.

"Oh shit"

"wait! This is all a big misunderstanding-"

Twilight put her element on and her eyes started glowing.

"DONT LIE TO US"

I was faced with an ultimatum. Nightmare looked at me with fear in her eyes. And twilight was charging up the elements.

I ran as fast as I could and my Logic was somewhat that if it nearly killed her when she was at full power...then this time she would die for real. I shoved nightmare out of the way much to the supprise of the six and Clyde and the beam fired with me as the target.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

I took the hit and then just as quick as it started. It was over. The screams faded out and I drifted away surprisingly painlessly. All that was left was a dark smudge where I once was....

ACT THREE: chapter 24: Am I dead yet?

AND NOW EVRYTHING THAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED IN BAMBOOZLED AGAIN IN A NUTSHELL BECAUSE WHY NOT

"Oh a cube. Ima shoot it"

"Oh a green portal thing. Ima jump in"

"LETS KILL SHIT!"

"FUCK YEAH!"

...

"I got you now!"

"No u"

"AAAAAAAAAA-!"

...

"OH FUCK SHE RUNNIN DRY!"

...

"...did...did spike just get laid?"

...

"Hi"

"hi"

"We're friends now"

"ok"

NAILED IT!

...

"You see this tree? This beautiful motherfucking tree?"

"*rubber duck sound*"

"YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!"

"*whimpers*"

*SMASH*

...

"FIRE TEH FREIND LAZAR!"

FIREING FRIEND LAZAR!"

*BWAAAAA*

...

"WHY ARE WE SCREAMING!?"

"I DONT KNOW!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU FUCKING FUCK?!"

...

"Your time has come mortal..."

"*rapter noises*"

"OH FUCK THIS!"

...

"WELCOME TO THE NUT SHACK"

"I thought it was-"

"DO NOT DISRESPECT THE WANK SHACK!"

"but you just-"

"SHUT IT!"

...

"-THE BONE ZONE!"

"*manic laughter, screaming and gunshots*"

...

"and you are the father!"

"MUARY WHAT THE FUCK?!"

...

"OH FUCK SMOKEY IS ON A RAMPAGE!"

"WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"THROW SHIT!"

...

"DONT LIE TO US!"

"SLED FAST EAT ASS AND SMOKE GRASS!"

*shoves*

"SLED GANG!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*BWWAAAAA*

"OH MY CHILDREN!"
Ded.

My head was pounding as I woke up from something about rainbows? It was weird. The first thing I saw was a white-ish roof.

"Ugh what happened?"

There was a startled sound coming from my right and as I got up I got a look at outside of a window. There was nothing except the void. I turned to where I heard the sound come from and I saw a line of thrones with strange lights of different colours hovering over each one. Except for the middle two thrones which had Celestia and Luna sitting on them all decked out in armour.

"Huh"

An ominous voice which appeared to be coming from one of the lights decided to speek up

"we may soon begin."

"You what?"

Suddenly I was chained to the floor and wrapped up like an asylum inmate (crazy muzzle mask that didn't fit me included)

"the trial cannot begin until his other half is present"

Celestia nodded and the lights got very bright.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

A teary and torn twilight was breaking down when suddenly the elements lit up again much to her surprise

"twilight banishing nightmare won't solve anything"

"IM NOT DOING THIS!"

"WHAT?!"

Suddenly the elements blasted Clyde and thanks to Celestia twilight got even more traumatized :D

The light finally toned down and then Clyde was sitting on the floor bewildered. Then the chain gang came and wrapped up Clyde just like me. Being muzzled we had no choice but to listen to the strange lights.

"as you know it is time for your judgement"

"we have decided that your interference with the element bearers has resulted in unintended consequences to equestria."

"despite your good deeds you and your kin still pose a threat to equestria as a whole. We have decided that you and your companions shall never leave equestria again to keep the balance"

Celestia spoke up

"however we see potential in you and we have also decided that you and Clyde shall keep the balance in a different way. We were preparing to banish nightmare moon but since it was you who was brought here we choose to do this now. You are to report to captan shining armour and undergo training. you two shall now become the guardians of the element bearers and this is effective immediately."

Suddenly we found ourselves in the castle court room. The chains that once constricted us shifted and moulded into some sort of suit. When the surreal experience was over me and Clyde were decked out in two very familiar sets of armour.
I was in the liquidator's hardshell from shadow fight 3 and Clyde was in a sort of blue version on the agony gleam also from shadow fight 3

"we trust that you two know what this armour is?"

"Yeah... But-"

"do not fret. We shall give you your weapons in time."

"Ok let's just get going"

The lights disappeared and the princesses led us over to the training grounds where a white pony was battling a training dummy. The pony noteced the princesses and did a bow.

"rise shining armour. You remember those recruits we talked about right?"

He nodded and looked us over and flinched when he got to me.

"Hello. I was just told you would be teaching us some skills."

" yes... Ok I suppose I could have you spar...very well. I am going to have you fight a magic golem. Prepare yourself."

Suddenly the dummy he was fighting sprung to life and got into a combat stance.

"Ok then. Uh-"

"FIGHT!"

The golem sprinted towards me and I flinched and took a hit as the wooden creature tackled me and brought me to the ground. I kicked it off me and then went with a favourite of mine. I kneed the golem in the face and grabbed its sides. I hoisted it into the air and smashed it into the ground via a powerbomb. The golem splintered and cracked as it went lifeless. Shining had a smirk and then asked Clyde to spar with another golem. He reluctantly obliged and another golem was dropped in from the air by a guard. Clyde immediately jumped into a cartwheel kick and smashed the golem's head into the ground . The golem sprung up and decked Clyde hard in his unprotected face and he was launched through the air. He kicked up and he was pissed. The world darkened and Clyde was actually back to the way he was before we did stuff. He sprinted to the golem at an insane speed and slammed his hand into the ground and a large amount of blue fire erupted from the ground and enveloped the golem. Shining was surprised and sent two golem's after Clyde.

"ONE GOLEM PER PERSON!"

I interfered with the golem and gave Clyde a nod which he mirrored. He threw down a portal as I kneed the golem in front of me in the face and I once again powerbombed the golem except this time it was through a shadow portal. The golem fell constantly in a loop and I decided to get risky. Clyde threw down another portal and I jumped in and fell just like the golem until...

"CLYDE NOW!"

In the blink of a eye Clyde moved the portal and I shot out and crashed into the wood golem with a loud crack. The golem was completely eradicated as it broke my fall feet first.

"Was that good?"

"..."

He was slack jawed along with both princesses.

"dude I think I'm getting pretty good at this whole bamboozling thing"

"That you are my friend"

"how soon can you start?"

"As soon as we get our weapons."

He nodded and set off to go somewhere as Luna brought out a big silver case.

The case contained weapons. A purple sword and a black cross bow for Clyde. And for me I got a Big war hammer (that was surprisingly light) and a large amount of hatchets with chains surrounding them. finally we got the helmet parts for our armour.

"this armour is enchanted so it will dissapear when not in use. Same with your weapons. From this day onwards you two will be a part of the luner guards shadow regiment. Congratulations. You are to be deployed right now."

"wait isint this kinda rushed?"

We never got an answer as we were teleported back to ponyvill we could hear sobbing from the inside of the treehouse.

"It's my turn for the badass entrance."

"(sigh) fine"

I climbed up onto the roof of the tree and I gave Clyde a thumbs up as he knocked on the door. The door opened and the group inside practically stampeded Clyde and suddenly things got a bit darker. The ponys looked around in confusion and I jumped down and landed cracking the ground with the hammer. The ponys backed up and were afraid of me. I slowly stood up glowing with shadow energy and I took my helmet off as the energy faded.

"Guess who just got a job?"
I said it with a crazy smile on my face as I was taken down by nightmare and scootaloo. Who had woken up a few hours prior (kid can sleep through anything!).

Clyde had literally swept twilight off her hooves as he caught her and they embraced.

Because hugs for everyone.

"...pizza?"

"yes"

It was a really good pizza.

chapter 26: the prodigy and the return to harmony (or whatever that episode was called) part two

We went out to the maze and discord had his fun with the whole no magic or wings thing and then someone made the mistake of tempting Murray and his law and since me and Clyde were standing too close to rainbow. When we got separated we ended up with rainbow dash. We wandered around until we hit three paths. I already new discord wanted us to split up so I suggested that we sick together until we heard a voice...Scootaloo had been calling out.

"Ok we need to go get them safely...but instead of us splitting up like a bunch of numptys lets do this one path at a time"

"sounds good"

"yeah let's go"

We went down the middle road and followed it until we saw what was basically a army of tiaras bullying scootaloo with a chant of blank flank. They noticed me then formed a wall.

"I don't get it. Why is this an obstacle?"

"That's the one who was bullying the crusaders. I think discord wants me to lose my cool and just beat the shit out of them."

They all giggled and spoke in unison.

"aw. I thought you wanted this."

"Nah...ok maybe a little bit, but I'm not just gonna go on a killing spree just for shits and giggles."

"humph, fine."

A snapping sound echoed through the maze and the fillys dissapeard with Scootaloo

"Hey! Where's scootaloo?"

"oh she's fine. Besides, creatures like us don't really need these things."

"Well fuck you too"

Suddenly Clyde and rainbow were launched over the hedgemaze and suddenly I was thinking about sad stuff. Clyde told me what happened when I snapped out of it so I guess he can tell you guys.

ok then. So we landed in a different part of the maze and eventually we made it out of the maze. It was here that I found out that discord swapped out the real rainbow dash for a fake one while we were flying through the air. Unfortunately she was flying towards some small cloud.

Discord exclaimed that the elements cheated and that he had won. He was taunting us at this point and I went home hanging my head in defeat when twilight got an idea that the elements might actually be in ponyvill unfortunately Noah at this point was still M.I.A and so we left him behind (more like flutershy forced us to leave without him) and to get you guys up to speed stuff and things happened and eventually twilight gave up and planned to leave. Or she would have if she didn't see how dire the situation was with Noah he was on the roof of the town hall and I realized three things: one, he had gotten into my whiskey and he had his old ADHD medicine, two, he had been discorded and the pill bottle was empty,and three, he was starting to sing. His eyes were glassy and dead as he opened his mouth. I don't think the world was ready for what came out of his mouth when the music kicked in:

"My legs are dangling off the edge,
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn't work again,
I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone.

Gone too far and yeah I'm gone again,
It's gone on too long, tell you how it ends,
I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends,
Ones a bottle of pills, ones a bottle of gin,
I'm twenty stories up, yeah I'm up at the top,
I'll polish off this bottle, now it's pushing me off,
Asphalt to me has never looked so soft,
I bet my momma found my letter, now shes calling the cops,
I gotta take this opportunity before I miss it,
'Cause now I hear the sirens and they're off in the distance,
Believe me when I tell you that I've been persistent,
'Cause I'm more scarred, more scarred than my wrist is,
I've been trying too long, with too dull of a knife,
But tonight I made sure that I sharpened it twice,
I never bought a suit before in my life,
But when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.

So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow,
Yeah I'll see you tomorrow.

My legs are dangling off the edge,
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn't work again,
I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone.

We hit the sky, there goes the light,
No more sun, why's it always night?
When you can't sleep, well, you can't dream,
When you can't dream, well, whats life mean?
We feel a little pity, but don't empathize
The old are getting older, watch a young man die,
A Mother and a Son and someone you know,
Smile at each other and realize you don't,
You don't know what happened to that kid you raised,
What happened to the Father, who swore he'd stay?
I didn't know 'cause you didn't say,
Now Momma feels guilt, yea Momma feels pain,
When you were young, you never thought you'd die,
Found that you could but too scared to try,
You looked in the mirror and you said goodbye,
Climb to the roof to see if you could fly!

So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow,
Yeah I'll see you tomorrow.

My legs are dangling off the edge,
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn't work again,
I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone-"

he didn't finish. He drunkenly stumbled off the roof and as he plummeted to the ground nightmare came out of nowhere and caught him...Yep he wanted it so bad- HEY WOAH WOAH WOAH! Dude! What the hell? couldn't resist! God damm it Clyde.

Ok since Clyde pulled that I'm going to tell you what happened myself. Ok so she caught me and she snapped me out of it. dude your leaving out the most important part! She even had a speech about how she lov- I left that out because of...reasons. *raises eyebrow* *sigh* God damm it Clyde ANYWAY:

So she helped me out and with this revelation Clyde told me that twilight was planning on leaving. He cried like a little bitch. HEY WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU GOING TO STOP NOW?! *grunt*
Sorry about this guys. Things are a bit...hectic right now. So I told spike to call up Celestia but instead of doing that he basically threw up every single frendship report twilight had ever sent. This gave her some sort of resolve and so we sent out to save the others.

What could possibly have gone wrong already?

Oh right

chapter 27: the prodigy and the return to harmony (or whatever that episode was called) part three

Ok so instead of a very long and complicated procedure to save the others we basically walked up, told them to not be a cunt as twilight used a memory spell and that pretty much worked, as a result of this Tom the rock rolled down the hill and made his first real attempt at the Genghis Khan challenge. May god have mercy on the poor mares who encounter ol'hustling tom, first he WAS the riches, then he got all the bitches.

So we went to find rainbow dash and she was sitting in a cloud doing fuck all.

"I got an idea just use a ranged version of the spell."

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE THE PLOT DEMANDS IT!"

"Woah! Easy!"

Pinky's random antics had given me an idea.

"SLED GANG!"

Instinctively the meme gene kicked in and Clyde brought a sled from his place and I jumped on grabbing twilight,

"SLED GANG!" Clyde sent us through the portal and we then flew beside the now escaping rainbow and twilight cast the spell. It worked, once again Dan the meme man's teachings helped pull me through a struggle. We landed safely thanks to Clyde and then just like that we had gotten everyone we needed. We left to find discord and eventually we found him.

"Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing."

"It is if you aren't a dick about it"

He looked back at us but mostly me. He seemed a bit distraught.

"Dude, I was being kind before when I gave you that muffin. You took it too far."

"maybe but if you won't create chaos with me then-"

He was swiftly silenced by the back of nightmare's hoof.

"Daaaammm he got knocked the fuck out!"

The six used there elements and discord was once again stoned. I looked around the buildings for the crusaders and eventually I found them at the club house dazed and confused. We got called back to canterlot so I brought the crusaders with us and when we arived we were told we were getting rewarded. the six were greeted like heroes.

"We are gathered here today to once again honor the heroism of these six-" "*ahem*" "-...friends who stood up to the villain Discord and saved Equestria from eternal chaos."

The crowd cheered and praised the six but when me, the crusaders and Clyde stepped out we were...less received.
And by that I mean they went dead silent as we stepped on the platform. And then came the nervous muttering.

"what is that?"

"Who are they?"

"I'm just a mindless drone-HUGN-"

A pony in the crowd collapsed and later died of cardiac arrest... Nah. A medic carried the pony to the hospital where I'm told he made a full recovery (scared his family shitliss though).

Unfortunately in the thick sea of ponys some of the more bold ones decided to chuck a fucktone of rocks in the direction of not only three children, but also two of the nations leaders and the six heros that just saved them all. I stepped in front of the crusaders and turned on my armour, the rocks made loud "clang" noises that indicated that whoever threw it threw them was going HARD.

I deadpanned in the direction of the rock-throwers, they knows what they did.
The crowd was even quieter then before. And then I spoke up.

"Whoever threw those I just want you to realize that if you were aiming for me or Clyde then you are probably regretting that. The way that rock was thrown it would have hit one of these fillys or your princess, hell. Even the six ponys who just saved everyone was nearly hit, exactly what gave you all this bright idea?"

I pulled out my hammer and leaned on it.

"We are currently employed as the protectors of the elements and if someone makes the mistake of attacking us again even after receiving this information, we will retaliate. You have nothing to fear. That is all."

I stepped back and picked up the hammer and slung it over my shoulder. Some guards escorted me,Clyde and the crusaders off of the stage while Celestia was going off on a speech the last few moments completely forgotten.
Sky wasn't with the guards.

"you will wait here until Celestia decides what to do with you."

"Ok that makes sense but what about the fillys?"

"we will summon the parents or guardians responsible for the fillys."

"Do you even know who we are?"

"some fake wannabes who claim they protect the elements."

"should I tell him or-"

"SILENCE DARK CREATURE!"

"Oh dear god do I need to seriously do this?"

I stood up to my full hight and suddenly they pulled out the spears and pointed them around the group

"Clyde take the crusaders to the elements, it's time to break in the new hammer."

And then there were fewer.

"you will stand down and face judgement!"

"Oh didn't you hear?"

He was about to ask "about what?" But I had taken out my chained hatchets and wrapped the chain around his hoof. I yanked him towards me and promptly gave him the knee... OF JUSTICE! The other guard raised his spear

"Stand down"

"and why would I do that?"

"because he is your superior captain"

"Hi Luna! Sorry about your sisters guard"

"it is no problem, he was much to talkative for his position anyway."

"Wait what? No don't fire him! He just needs to learn from his mistakes!"

"and would you be willing to show him the error of his ways?"

I looked at the guard. He looked completely heartbroken.

IDEA!

"I can do one better. Can you gave him a...transfer?"

She seemed a bit confused where I was going with it, he himself looked confused as hell.

"We need a third to complete all three factions."

"... Are you prepared to train him and take him in as your student?"

"Yes. I shal take full responsibility for him and his actions."

"... Very well. Then congratulations sir skyfall it appears you are receiving a promotion."

"really? Thanks princess Luna!"

That's the best thing he could think of? Just casually on the flip of a switch he just goes cold?

"oh don't thank me, thank the one who saved your job."

"No thanks. We need to talk skyfall."

"...alone."

The other guard sighed and shuffled off to somewhere and Luna followed

"Ok so basically I'm really stretching my neck out for you with this but I see some potential in you. Basically we need to wait until tomorrow until we can truly begin. I need commitment. Also since we are technically a branch of night guard you will be getting some altered shadow armour when we complete the swap."

"wait. Swap?"

"You will know in due time. But you will also be relocated to ponyvill until farther notice. We are supposed to be protecting the elements after all. But we need subtle to a point where we actually act as civilians. Now come with me. We need to talk details on the way to ponyvill about how the armour works..."

We took the train back and after a long ride explaining how the armour will affect his fighting style we fell asleep on the train.

It was a long day.

Tomorrow is going to be even longer though.

chapter 28: the shadow energy that butters my croissant

We returned to the library and luckily my new student brought a sleeping bag with him and we didn't have to struggle with finding a place for him to sleep, nightmare got the couch I had the bed in the basement with Scootaloo and Clyde shared twilights room with spike, the next morning I called Clyde out and explained the situation to skyfall and him.

He was determined that much was obvious, he said yes with little hesitation when we said that basically he would literally be giving up a small part of himself. This time Clyde was the one who did the transfer and as a result he reclaimed his old arms. Skyfall had both wings transformed and he was surprisingly ecstatic about his situation. Suddenly a large crate similar to the one me and Clyde got our weapons in appeared with a note. It read:
"dear guardians. We have been informed that a new recruit has joined you and as a result he will also need some armour. Inclosed in this crate is special dynasty themed night gaurd armour to represent his new position. However as a result of the ability to summon your armour at any time it is required that he turns into a true night gaurd. If he truly is committed to the cause then he will be fully transformed permenently. Make sure he makes the right choice. We have also included a weapon we deemed suitable for him. Enjoy! - the council"

We opened the crate and in it was a blue version of the demon ward and its respective helmet with Luna's mark on the center of both pieces on a mannequin (ponyquin?). A smaller crate was also inside and in that crate wasn't another crate which slightly disappointed me. Instead was a large golden chain with a knife on the end. The eagle's dive.

"Are you sure you want this? This is your last chance to back out. Hell im pretty sure we can just do the ritual again and reverse the effects"

"...I can't do it. I just can't."

"...alright. Clyde let's try to get him back to normal. But you know what? I'm going to try to get you your old position again."

He nodded sadly and we reversed the procedure by having him take Clyde's position in the hole.
Skyfall left and he went back to Canterlot.

"...ok so what the hell are we going to do with the armour?"

Nightmare entered the room and eyed the armour.

"what is the armour for?"

"It was for a recruit we needed. But he couldn't handle the burden of being a bat-pony"

"...May I try?"

"What are you going to join us in the guard?"

I said it jokingly but then I got thinking. She was experienced, she was made of shadow energy. She was already in ponyvill.

"Actually... Maybe you could?"

She read the note on the side and looked cautiously at the ward.

"...I will do it."

"ok then I guess we are just- ah fuck it I don't care anymore.Welcome aboard!"

She walked into the crate and put on the armour. The change started slow but eventually a large ball surrounded her and this surprised us. Suddenly as quick as it started, it was over the ball vanished leaving a much more fuzzy-ear version of nightmare. Absolutely amazing. She picked up her new weapon with her magic and spun it around expertly.

"Woah..."

Her wings now looked like bat wings but...Fuzzy as fuck seems appropriate to describe them.

"...wah?oh! Um ok so now try to make it dissapear."

She nodded and the weapon and armour dissapeard. It was here that I finally noticed that she lacked a mark but I didn't say anything. I was focused on...(sigh) other things.

JUST FUCKN TELL THEM ALREADY

YOU ARE KINDA RUINING THIS FOR ME CLYDE!

...anyway

We were interrupted by a large noise off in the distance so we went to investigate. As it turned out it was just rainbow demolishing a barn. Twilight was all twitchy and shit so Clyde spent the next hour trying to calm twilight down, eventually he managed to convince her to help us with training nightmare with the guarantee that it would help her with something about a frendship report.

The training was a bit...hectic. When she enchanted a training golem we got from the training yard she went a bit overboard...and I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose considering she was laughing maniacally. It was basically sprinting through the town dive-by punching ponys in the face. It was on a rampage and it was up to us to stop the damm thing. Nightmare swiftly used her magic to throw the eagle's dive at the golem and tied its feet up. It slid into rarity's place and left a giant indent on it as we approached it. It found the true combatants and it charged us.

Nightmare yanked the chain out and began slashing the golem. It was like a dance with death, except instead of doing the tango with the tow-timing fucknut, she was basically doing his job for him. But better. Unfortunately it was tanking through the blows and it had the advantage. It smashed her into the dirt and continued doing so until I interviewed. I grabbed the golem by the rear legs and slammed it into the ground. Then the world got darker as I slammed it over and over again. It was unfazed and it charged at us. He was blown the fuck away by a large fiery red laser. It wasn't nightmare because the shadow energy only comes in blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was sweetie belle in a a fucking kamahamaha stance...she was clearly experienced in the form so it was clear how she had practice. But the thing I didn't understand was how she still had lasers even though that only happened when we first came here YEARS from now. the fuck?

We didn't have time to ponder what happened the golem sprung up and hit her in the face still on fire.
This enraged nightmare and the world had gone pitch black. Suddenly we could see a blue outline of the golem as it was in nightmare's magical grasp. It was crushed in a magic trash compactor before being beheaded in a large blue slash that swept away the darkness. The light returned and nightmare was tending to sweetie belle's wounds. Twilight was panicking in the distance still going on about her report, scootaloo stood in the doorway in silence with her jaw dropped, she saw everything. She slowly looked up to me and my armour (which was still pulsing with shadow energy) and she asked if she could fight monsters as well. Like a world class ultimate best father who makes decisions to protect the ones he loves...

I screwed up and said yes

interlude- you.friend. bamboozled

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 29: lesson zero minus Scootaloo is lesson negative-one that's quick maths

Author's Note

I need help guys. E.T over here needs to phone home.

Should he stay or go? I don't know. But when he wakes up i can't really continue until we get him home or something.

chapter 29: lesson zero minus Scootaloo is lesson negative-one that's quick maths

Ok so I guess some random ass person from your guy's Side just decided to drop in. Uh ok I guess I'll say what happened after Scootaloo asked me to train her to pass the time?

Ok so basically Clyde and nightmare were called to do stuff while I had to give my daughter a crash course in the legion fighting style. I convinced rarity to create a set of training armour for scootaloo and she took to them with great pride. Eventually I managed to get a training dummy since a golem was too advanced for her and I asked her to show me what she could do. She hit the dummy over and over trying to defeat the foe. It wasn't working so I held her back and showed her a fighting technique that she could use with practice that I used to use as a child. It starts with a handstand (or hoof-stand. In her case) with your arms far enough apart and then you swing your legs backwards until they meet your hands, then you move your hands out of the way last second and vault yourself into the low part of your opponent via drop kick.

She managed to one-up me by using her wings to launch herself into the air and she made direct contact with the dummy's head launching it into the air all in one swift movement. Not exactly a legionnaire technique but it worked. The dummy hit the ground with a big thud and since Scootaloo couldn't fly yet I caught her and set her down with a giant smile on my face.

"THAT WAS AWSOME!"

"Yeah! Well done! Just need to work on that landing"

We didn't know it at the time but twilight was enchanting some doll for something...nefarious. After a few more minutes of practice I called it a day and went with Scootaloo to get some breakfast. While we went to sugarcube corrner for some muffins, all hell was breaking out in the park as the other two crusaders started to brawl over some enchanted doll that was made so poorly that if I shoved two chop-sticks up my ass and tied string to the ends of each chop-stick, I could make a better item by simply clenching and literally shiting out a christmas sweater without even trying and it would look absolutely fan-fucking-tastic compared to the doll. Sorry for the image but that's still my opinion.

Eventually this epidemic would spread and eventually a large majority of the town was brawling over a stupid toy. Eventually Applebloom entered the small bakery with a large crowd in pursuit, she looked unhinged. Scootaloo approached her clearly concerned about her friend.

Applebloom was muttering something and I can only assume it was something about her "precious" and how everyone was conspiring against her. Scootaloo put her hoof on her shoulder (or whatever the equine equivalent is) and before she could ask what was wrong, Applebloom collapsed. As it turns out she had been running non-stop for an hour to escape the mob. I picked up the doll and then suddenly the rest of the town faded as I took the doll. Luckily for me I had the power of ADHD on my side as the voices kicked in and we started arguing:

"you need it..."

"ITS SHIT"

"desire..."

"I desire you ;)"

"...YOU NEED-"

"-SOMEBODY TO LEEEEN OOOON"

"...what?"

"Not what. But who."

"who?"

"Not who. But when."

"when will you give in to your desires?"

"I will when you stop being a thot"

"YOU IDIOTIC CRITEN YOU WILL NEVER BE COMPLETE WITHOUT-!

"BE GONE, THOT!"

"YOU CANNOT SILENCE GREED YOU IMBECILE"

"YEET!"

I subconsciously tore the head off the doll and threw it at the wall very hard.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU ARE MORE INSUFFERABLE THEN THAT CHANGLING QUEEN I DROVE TO-"

"YAAAAAAS QUEEN!"

I was hoping not to pull out those responses but sometimes the correct response is simply, to DUUURRRRR. The voice faded away and thanks to my intervention the spell was broken and everyone was confused as to why they were bruised and battered. They had no memory of the fight that took place and they went home completely oblivious.

Celestia appeared in the center of town and twilight was scared shitless about getting sent back to what she called "magic kindergarten". Celestia solved the problem and then twilight stopped freaking out when she learned she wasn't getting put back into school.

A few hours later Clyde and nightmare returned looking very distraught I asked them what was wrong and they simply walked past me and nightmare threw herself on the couch while Clyde made his way upstairs.

im back!
They don't have any crazy bread though

DAMMIT

...who is that?

Well someone from the other side decided to pop in and say hello...wasn't his fault though.

(sigh) that's the second one this week

Wait. He wasn't the first?

nah. Some guy named Tommy astryo dropped from the air and into the forest on Monday.He managed to save Applebloom from a few timberwolfs though after scaring the shit out of rainbow.

Wait isn't he that one Billy-mays rip off that used to be a wrestler? Where is he?

he was sleeping on a bench in the rain and i woke him up. He frantically tried to sell me something he called a kitchen gun since I was the most human thing he had seen in a few days.

...did you buy it?

yep. I managed to take him to the princesses and use that mirror from before to send him home.

Ok then. I'm going to do the same with this guy. In the meantime, could you tell them about that one time in the forest with those zambles?

ok fine. Just be back by dark

Ok scooby-doo door. TO THE THRONE ROOM

...ok then...

If anyone else comes here, could you bring some drinks? I have been drinking the same brand of whiskey for years.

chapter 30: ermegerd zermbers

so we gat called up by Luna to investigate the everfree forest to see if we could find a large source of unnatural magic that was being reported from the forest. So we let Noah sleep in so he could handle twilight's inevitable breakdown. On the way towards our objective we decided to talk a little:

"so how's life?"

"... I suppose it's better then before."

"good...so do you like anybody?"

she blushed at my sudden question and stuttered.
You know what that means?

SHE WANTS.

THE DICK.

"W-Well I suppose I do enjoy Noah's company..."

i ship the fuck out of that

"Really? How so?" ;)

"well...he is a lot smarter then he lets on...he is a good father from what I can tell...and I find it absolutely adorable the way his eyes shine when he sees a packaged brick of cheese..."

she went on and on about this for a while.

*+10 to shipping*

We got interrupted by some wolves that took the opportunity to ambush us. They were dispatched quickly by a flurry of hooves and blades. They just as quickly regenerated (as you do) and forced us to retreat. We needed a plan to stop them from resurrecting, since we couldn't brute force the wolves without Noah we only had one option. We ran.

Eventually we found ourselves in a very spopy town that was torn and worn with age. Something had chased the wolves away. The town felt familiar to me. Eventually in the distance we saw some of the locals. They were quite dead. One of them approached us and started to talk:

"hia strangers! Welcome to sunny town!"

it was here I remembered what this was from: a fanfiction.

Nightmare didn't seem to notice the fact that the inside of his chest was visible through a large hole.

"Oh piss off you walking talking grey gravely fucknugget"

Nightmare was stunned most by my outburst at first but then it was here that he decided to drop the act

"aw don't be like that. We only want to be your friends"

he put a lot of emphasis on the last part as many other zombies joined him and formed a mob.

Nope.AVI

We ran towards the exit only to find it blocked off by a wall of zombies, we headed deeper into the town and got lost for a few hours, eventually we got yanked into a building by a zombie that was much less dead then the others. Instead of spelling her name properly i descoverd that I actually can't English very good sometimes, so I simply dub her from now on, mits. It's not that I can't say it. I just can't spell it.

"you shouldn't have come here. We are cursed"

"oh, well shit"

*smack*

"language!"

"ok! Well fuck you too mits!"

I threw down a portal and jumped in grabbing nightmare on the way. She was dumbfounded as to how I knew her name and how I just left via a hole. We ended up in town and we went back to the library and passed out. The next day we told Noah about the town and that's that!...

...

...

He is uh. Kinda taking a while...

...

...

*starts visibly sweating*

...

...

Where the hell is he?

...

Ah fuck it! I'll just keep going

We told him about what happened in the forest and he was unnerved by the idea of real actual zombies. He spent the rest of the day alone in the basement and a lot of noise was made. He came out a day and a few hours later in a gas mask holding some sort of homemade flamethrower. However he had gotten an idea and instead of using just fire he used the gift I gave him after he found out that it was more flammable then gasoline. end result? The purifier. The flame wasn't even hot according to Noah.

He went outside and we didn't see him for hours. When he did come back he was covered in soot and he literally burned down the entire town. He returned with two ponys one of which was actually mits and a second one that could only be ruby (or whatever her name was). Applebloom was ecstatic that they made it safely to town as they had met previously before we came to equestria. ruby apparently saved Applebloom from the zombies and led her out of the town.

Instead of crashing at twilights house like everyone ever they decided that they simply wanted to get as far away from sunny town as possible. And so they went on the train to canterlot and got outta dodge.

...

...

So...how's life?

...

...

Ok and now to pass the time I am going to state as many different ways of the word "sex"

The horizontal monster mash, smash, pound, the sex number, xtream spooning, schpoonin, inserting slot A into slut B, buttsex, fuck'n, thy log that splits thy legs in twine, the elevator, pornhub VR in real life, a slow but soft titty-twister,
The good-est succ-

...

...uh how long were you standing there?

Monster mash

FUCK

Oh there's a good one! Straight to the point!

uh what happened to the guy?

He went home...for now

what do you mean?

He literally can come back at any time suddenly and we can't do anything about it.

...should I-

Yeah set up the cannons. it won't be long before some crazed hardcore Brony hears about and forces him to take him to equestria.

shit. Well since he WAS from the comments section...

Yeah, if they are up for it then we can basically bring a shitload of people to gang up on a sex crazed pervert and help us kick the shit out of him.

did you ever find that guys name? It is kinda important

...uh, hey guy I helped! If you are reading this then could you say your name in the comments? Also get a taser or something because they are probably going to come for your ass.

chapter 31: a candy crusade: the second coming

BOOM SUDDENLY I DECIDED TO SKIP TO MY SECOND NIGHTMARE NIGHT FOR RESONS INVOLVED WITH A BILL COSBY SPIDER CRAWLING FROM THE SHIT-ENCRUSTED BOWLS OF HELL AND CAUSING EXTREME TRAMA. SORRY.

it was nightmare night once again and this time instead of raising hell in Jerusalem as crusaders I am now simply a skeleton. As it turns out, Scootaloo was planning on being a skeleton as well (she's a natural). Twilight was dressed as that starswirl guy, spike was...a dragon, and Clyde was dressed as the stormtrooper that fell down a flight of stairs (complete with electronic baton). we went outside and went to the many houses in search of candy (or in the case of my iPad's autocorrect: Canada). Eventually I remembered something: nightmare.

"Hey Scootaloo"

"yeah?"

"Have you seen nightmare anywhere?"

"no...uh but we could look for her."

"Sounds good. Heck, you might even get a mark in tracking or something"

Her eyes lit up and the other crusaders were jerked violently in our direction by something invisible before flying towards us not in a arc but a completely straight line. Luckily I managed to plug my ears this time before facing the blunt power of "the voice".

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TRACKERS YAAAAY!!!"

A window broke from the force of the attack and after apologizing and paying for the damage, we got started on our hunt. This eventually led to the forest. Applejack and rarity had forbidden them to enter the forest so they turned back sadly. Scootaloo just looked at me with huge eyes that just screamed "please".

A few minutes later we were halfway into the forest calling out her name. Then once again for the thousandth' time. Wolfs happened. They circled us in a gigantic pack hungry for food, I summoned my armour and my hammer when suddenly Scootaloo did what I can only assume was the pony version of a superman punch, she quickly followed up by swinging her legs and hitting the timberwolf into the air before performing a handstand, she swung and vaulted into the air thanks to her wings and made a gigantic dropkick to the head of the wolf, I capitalized on this by grabbing Scootaloo and putting her on my back as I slammed the hammer into the wolf sending it flying into many other wolfs. The ones not done in by our attack closed in until the world got darker. Scootaloo on my back was also affected by the shadow energy and as a result the costume she was wearing couldn't handle the pressure and burst into a blue flame, her iconic purple hair turned bright blue as the energy spread up her tinting her fur black as she held on tight to me and used her wings, a large gust of wind from her attack launched the pack far far away.

The world brightened much quicker then usual as Scootaloo let go of me and flew to the side

"HOLY SHIT"

"THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!"

She seemed oblivious to the fact she was truly flying, the edges of her wings did not change back to the orange they usually sported and remained an inky black hue, one could say it looked like an outline. As she flew in the same spot her wings trailed a surprisingly psychedelic blue after-image.

"..."

"what?"

"Nothing. Let's just go to the castle."

And so we went to the large ominous structure and heard faint music. We investigated and eventually we entered a side room with a large church organ playing music. Nightmare was sat down at it.

"Hey nightmare!"

She turned around quickly at the sound of my voice. She looked as if she had been crying.

"...you ok?"

She remained silent

"it's because of the holiday isn't it"

She sombrely nodded

She stood up and telaported out of the castle, she went back to twilight's house. We began the walk out of the forest and eventually we re-entered the town.

"hey dad? Why is the ground lower then before?"

"That's because..." I grinned "...you grew up a little"

She looked at me confused. I pointed to her currently flapping wings keeping her airborne. She took a look at them and then it hit her.

""YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

She blasted off high into the clouds joyfully as I walked back to the house. I heard crying coming from the bathroom so I sat in front of the door. My prayers were answered when some music started. This time, I sang because I wanted to:

"Oh, I've been sitting here for hours
As I wish for this to start
I set my standards high
In hopes they will not fall apart"

"It's almost like I fell asleep
My doubts have seemed to fade
Because I've opened up my eyes to see
I'm right where I planned to be, Today!"

"Today!"

"Cast your nets, cast it out
And I hope to god you'll scream and shout
It's everything you wanted, maybe more"

"Anyone can dream through the night
But only some can dream with eyes wide
There lies the fight inside
It resides in everyone
They will proclaim you a fool
And it reminds you to do
Anything and everything to prove them a liar"

"It's almost like I fell asleep
My doubts have seemed to fade
Because I've opened up my eyes to see
I'm right where I planned to be, Today!"

"Today!"

"Cast your nets, cast it out
And I hope to god you'll scream and shout
It's everything you wanted, maybe more"

"Does it seem out of reach?
Hit the ground, and run with both your feet
Here's a lesson that I hope to teach
Believe you'll be a dream catcher"

"Cry out loud and take the stage!
And don't let skeptics slow your pace
With every forward step you'll take
Their breath away!"

"Their breath away!"

"Believe, believe they'll spit their words
And some will say it seems absurd
But devour the cynics,
Dismiss the critics,
And mark my words
They'll regret it when you-"

"-cast your nets, cast it out
And I hope to god you'll scream and shout
It's everything you wanted, maybe more!"

"Today!"

"Today!"

"Cast your nets, cast it out
And I hope to god you'll scream and shout
It's everything you wanted, maybe more!"

"Does it seem out of reach?
Hit the ground, and run with both your feet
Here's a lesson that I hope to teach
Believe you'll be a dream catcher!"

"Please believe you'll be a dream catcher"

"Please believe you'll be a dream catcher-"

She opened the door and gave a deep hug. I swiftly returned it as Scootaloo watched from the windows with a smile.

This event was one of the more emotional parts of my adventure-

*JOES BARBECUE AND FOOT MASSAGE-beep*

You have reached godfathers pizza, you damm'em we slam'em how may I help you? Oh hey it's you! How's it going? Yeah I read the comment John. Wait you're coming now? As in right now? Uh ok there is a button on the bottom of the box of alcohol I sent you. Climb inside the box and press it. No it won't hurt and the box is actually indestructible. Yes I understand it's much bigger on the inside just press the button and be ready to explain in the next chapter a bit of backstory. No, singing is optional only until you arrive in equestria. Yes it will happen somewhat randomly. See you soon John! *click*

I just hope he is alone

*POP*

Hi welcome back!

thanks-

Before we can continue let's just get the back story out of the way.

(sigh) ok let's start

Interlude: hey. Johnny. Back.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 32: tales of the Dutch pirates of Saskatchewan

Author's Note

A small tribute to my friend Alex.

No he's not dead. I just got bored as fuck again

chapter 32: tales of the Dutch pirates of Saskatchewan

so...what now?

Well I gotta keep the story going. Won't be that long until I am finished retelling what happened and we can actually start on some real adventures.

Adventure Story Plot Advance Time!

Ok so basically after comforting nightmare I went to bed and prepared for the next day. I woke up as usual and eventually went for breakfast with Scootaloo, then I dropped her off at school.

wait hold up. I just remembered something.

Yeah?

you never said how sweetie belle could shoot lasers. Why?

Well... I haven't found out yet. Got preoccupied with training Scootaloo. But I tell you what. How about the first thing we do when I'm finally finished with retelling my journey that's the first thing we will try to find out.

Alright, operation laser crusade is postponed.

...as I was saying...

I left her at school and I went to go look for something to do while I waited for Scootaloo. Not much happened and I was bored out of my mind so I'll just skip the waiting. School let out and I went to get Scootaloo. We went back to twilights house and I suppose Scootaloo was feeling extra quizzical that day:

"hey dad?"

"yeah?"

"you remember that one guy who took care of me when I was little right?"

"Yeah that's Alex. What do you want to know?"

"what was he like?"

"...well I could tell you what he was like. Or... I could tell you some of the crazy things he did"

"OH! The last one please!"

"Well ok. In the time I knew that crazy basterd he had: become a pirate in Saskatchewan, invented the world's most violent shipping service (because cannons and Mail go very well together), threw grapes at someone annoying in an attempt to make them lose all sense of reality, he had a shark jump over him in a fashion that could only be described as 'a reverse fonz', started and disbanded a cult (of which we had no clue what we were worshipping...except maybe communism), and on the day he dissapeard his final act was to get absolutely shit-faced and ride through the middle of this big city called Detroit in style...on his massive pirate ship."

"woah...and this is the guy who took care of me?"

"Yeah"

I actually have no clue if he is still alive somewhere here. Knowing him he is ether dead or somewhere in that griffin kingdom tearing some evil regime a new asshole

Oh they must be having a kinky time with the latter.

well I suppose if you find having your co-worker's leg rip off thanks to some random ass guy who then atempts to use it to give you the world's most botched circumcision and lobotomy kinky then yeah... So after answering her questions about my long lost friend we basically went back to training.

...

Is something wrong John?

Well I’m not sure about what to do while here. I mean I could use some training incase something happens… or I could just taze it. Though that won’t work if I can’t reach them.

Reach who?

porn pen guy.

Ah that makes sense

So we went to the empty field and we attempted to work on some more tactics. We experimented with my shadow form as well:

"Ok so let's try to do what happened in the forest yesterday, seems like a good idea to see what you can do."

Just a heads up. Anyone in a shadow form is actually very sensitive to shadow energy and the reason it leaves so quickly in combat is because usually those crazy attacks we use drain energy faster due to the actual combat creates a fast heartbeat causing a sort of shadow bleed which we use to imbue some objects with power. If we remain calm such as in simple training and it isn't a life or death situation we can practice with a much more tame version of our moves.

I entered my shadow form and as the world got darker I noticed that without even touching Scootaloo I knew she was passively using shadow energy. She was using the energy to replace the magic she lacked to fly.

"..."

"is something wrong?"

"Could you try and tense your wings?"

"why?"

"Just a test."

She shrugged and tensed up her wings. A bright blue flame erupted around her and just like in the forest, her appearance changed. She seemed a bit startled by this and when she flinched she disappeared in a large cloud of smoke. She reappeared behind me with a look of utter confusion written on her face. It slowly shifted to a smile. She took to the sky and flew into a cloud, as she made contact the cloud darkened and followed Scootaloo in a large blue trail. She flew straight into a tree in the distance seemingly phasing through the wood. She flew out of the other side and the clouds that followed all had solidified into a blue ice as it smashed into the tree. She wasn't finished and she flew in circles around the tree the ice quickly turned into a large dark cloud again and a small tornado was formed from the speed of Scootaloo. The wind tore the tree out of the ground and into the black cloud where instead of flying through the cloud got stuck. A large flash of lightning later and the tree was gone. She landed near me and it was here that I decided that was enough training for the day.

Well that is impressive and very useful. Spying on special someones will be easier. Though there has to be some form of side effects for this... What if it destroys stars or worlds!?

Dude. It has limits. The reason I called it quits then and there was because Scootaloo over did it. She was exhausted and learned a very important lesson in not overexerting yourself.

im back! What did I miss?

A porn pen guy chased Him into a cardboard box that teleported him to equestria. Oh and also tree lighting

huh...

Oh I guess this is the first time we are properly meeting! I'm Clyde. And your name is?

john

...did you bring it?

yes I have the drinks

oh thank fuck.

...wait...ah shit. I must have left them at the convention

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile on earth...

"I AM GOING TO KILL HIM AND SHOVE MY BAT SO FAR UP HIS ASS THAT-!"

"SIR! If you do not calm down we will have to ask you to leave"

*TINK*

*thud*

"YOU WONT TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!"

This would be the tragic day where the volunteers of a convention could only watch as the sick man brought down the weapon that had never failed...to drive girls away. All they could do was watch behind a cheering wall of sweat, oder, and sex-toys as their friend was beaten.

*POP*

WOULD BE

The room went silent as a strange man climbed out of a cardboard box and grabbed a few bottles of alcohol laying around.
He climbed back in and suddenly after a strange flash of bright blue the volunteer getting beaten was on the other side of the wall of people.

Then just like that...

*POP*

He was gone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile...

ok problem solved!

...fuck it. John wanna go for a drink?

...

Right on! Let's GO!

...

Bamboozled again?

*nods*

Yeah. That happens around here. You'll get used to it

ACT FOUR: chapter 33: two men,a shadow, and a drunk pirate walk out of a bar...

*SLAM*

Holy shit that was crazy!

...what do we do with his body?

hell if I know. Just leave him in the shower.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Canterlot: three hours earlier...

"All right! Here we are."

"the basement burger bar?"

"well it was the first bar we found"

“In a country of herbivores… and ponies sell actual beef burgers?”

"Eh. It is a griffin bar. But thanks to magic they basically sell chicken burgers enchanted to taste like regular burgers."

"huh"

"ok. You ready to get shitfaced?"

“More than an Irishman at Oktoberfest!”

"That's the spirit!"

The trio entered the bar and sat down at the counter where a friendly looking griffin was waiting

"sup guys? The usual?"

"Yeah... But add a big smoke"

The entire bar went silent at the order

"...what? It's for variety."

"sorry, it's just last time somepony ordered that...never mind.

HEY BLOOD WING! WE GOT A BIG SMOKE!"

A few minutes later the griffin returned with a cart of drinks

"ok boys! We got...two number nines...a number nine large...a number six with extra dip...two number 45's...a 45 large...one with cheese...and a large soda. Enjoy!"

Instead of putting the drinks on the bar the bartender simply left the cart of alcohol. Noah grabbed the soda and the nachos with cheese as the bar stared.

"What?"

Clyde grabbed a bottle and proceeded to chug it as John grabbed five shot glasses. An hour passed and John discovered the horrible truth. The drinks were weak as fuck.

"now do you understand why I wanted those drinks?"

John simply nodded as the crowd watched in aw as Clyde downed another of equestria's strongest drink: the death wish. Some were even betting on how long Clyde would last. The bartender called out the last call and the griffin's betting against Clyde went into a rage as they lost thousands on what was normally a safe bet

"this is bucking ridiculous! No creature is physically able to drink that much! He cheated!"

The griffin lashed out and took a flying leap towards Clyde when suddenly in the distance someone was singing something. The Pirates of the Caribbean theme to be specific. Right before the griffin made contact a large metallic object crashed through the the window and hit the griffin as something leaptoff the massive ball of iron. That something then proceeded to use its momentum to superman punch the griffin knocking him out in the process. Then an all out brawl began and as the other patrons of the bar duked it out the figure stopped in front of Noah.

It was none other then the crazy Dutch pirate himself. He was cloaked in a overcoat and since he had left earth he had taken the time to grow a beard. Instead of a pirate sword in the case attached to his belt was a small worn and bloodstained shovel. In his hand was a large cup of rum. John noticed something click inside of Noah's head as a large grin appeared. Clyde knew what was inevitably going to happen and was paying off the band in the corrner to play a specific song. and then the banjo kicked in:

"♫it's not...♫"

"♫Easy having yourself a good time...♫"

"♫greasing up those bits and fethers♫"

"♫Watching out and don't four letter♫"

Alex picked the griffin up as he snapped awake

"♫fuck and kiss you both at the same time...♫"

"♫Smells like something unforgotten curled up, died, and now it's rotten♫"

"♫I'm not a gangster tonight-"

"-Don't wanna be the bad guy♫"

"♫I'm just a loner baby-"

"But now you got in my way!♫"

The duo started skipping around the griffin and dodging swings

*inhail*

"♫I can't decide♫ whether you should live or die♫ oh you'll probably go to heaven♫ Please don't hang your head and cry, don't wonder why♫ my heart is dead inside. stolen heart♫ petrified!♫"

"♫lock the doors and close the blinds were going♫for♫a♫ride...♫"

Alex picked the griffin up with his free hand and took a swig of rum as he sat the griffin down on the cannon ball embedded into the floor.

"♫it's♫a♫bitch convincing people to like♫you...♫"

"Why stop now call me a quitter? If lies were cats you'd be a litter♫"

"pleasing everyone isn't♫like♫you...

"dancing jigs until I'm purple!♫"

"♫slug ten drinks I won't get pickled!♫"

"I gotta hand it to you- you play by all the same rules!"

"♫it takes the truth to fool me-and now you made me angry!♫"

*inhail*

I can't decide weather you should live♫or♫die. Oh you'll probably go to heaven. Please don't hang your head and cry- don't wonder why♫ my heart is dead inside♫stolen heart!♫ I'm petrified!

"♫lock the doors and close the blinds were going♫for♫a♫ride♫"

"♫Oh I could throw♫you♫in♫the♫lake♫ ♫or feed you poison♫birthday♫cake I won't deny. I'm going to miss you when your gone...♫" "♫oh I could bury♫you♫alive ♫but you might crawl♫out♫with♫a♫knife! And kill me ♫when♫i'm♫sleeping♫thats♫why-♫

"♫I can't decide♫ whether you should live or die♫ oh you'll probably go to heaven♫ Please don't hang your head and cry, don't wonder why♫ my heart is dead inside. stolen heart♫ petrified!♫"

"♫lock the doors and close the blinds were going♫for♫a♫ride...♫"

As the music played out, Noah and Alex stuffed the griffin into a cannon that Clyde had dragged in and the bar fight ended with a bang as Alex hit the cannon with his shovel, expertly sparking it's fuse...the griffin launched through a window and Alex downed the last of his rum. He blacked out a few minutes later and got carried home by Noah until he was deposited in the bathtub.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------twilight's basement: now

That was amazing how Alex could drink that, though, everything there was weaker than a bloody applejuice

Well it is his own special brew.

guys. Shhhhhh...sleep

...fine

chapter 34: ok so I guess this adventure needed EVEN MORE PEOPLE

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------twilight's house:3 AM

*snore*

"the fuck? Where's my ship?!

*smash!*

"Shit"

"dad what was that?"

"I don't know Scootaloo. I'm going to check it out."

"I'm going with you! I can take em!"

"sorry kiddo. I somewhat doubt that"

"Alex?! What are you doing up so early?"

"I left my ship at the bar. And you are going to help me bring it here"

"...fuck it. Ok let's go. Scootaloo. You wanna come with?"

"...dad it's three in the morning, we just woke up, and your pirate friend is taking you to get a boat from a bar. Of course I'm coming!"

"atta girl! Let's get going."

The trio left the treehouse somehow not waking up John (who was sleeping on another couch similar to the couch nightmare was on) and left under the cover of the night

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The basement burger bar: 4:50 AM

"...so wait. Your boat. As in the water kind. Is in the parking lot of a bar far inland?"

"yeah that's right."

"...normally I don't question these types of things but this is an exception. Exactly how?"

"magic."

"Oh. Good. I thought it was something logical for a second there"

"yeah. My baby can fly! But don't ask about how. Currently this buttery basterd gets a 98.5 zebra force rating!"

"zebra force?"

"An alternative to horse power I presume?"

"yep! Well at first when Gavin suggested the idea it ended with the boat draging through the port town we were living in. It was Detroit all over again..."

"Wait. Gavin? As in our music mad G-man himself?"

"well how did you think I got here? I just followed his ass cause he owed me five bucks and when I grabbed his hand. Suddenly my ship and I got transported to this wacky ass place and straight into a musical. Oh and the events of the movie are no longer cannon."

"Why not?"

"I just kinda shot the storm king after said musical ended with him on top of my ship with the promise of him 'ruling them all'. Unfortunately for him. It was my ship"

"Oh. So is he..."

"No. I missed and hit his shoulder. He fell into the water. Before his goons could cage us, Gavin teleported again. The only bright side to his situation is that he always ends up on the ship when I start singing a shanty"

The trio entered the large ship and Alex went to the wheel.

"ok. Here we go. pull the switch!"

"...did you seriously use Gavin's switch as a lever?"

"no regrets!"

Scootaloo pulled the device and suddenly the ground shook violently. A pair of cannons on the sides of the ship suddenly spewed a column of purple flames towards the ground scorching the earth. The huge ass ship took to the air and went in the direction of ponyvill.

"...so who's a part of your crew?"

"Gavin, me, you probably, pinky pie, and a giant enchanted rubber duckie that is sentient. HEY EARL!"

A voice from above. Probably in the crows nest responded with what one could only describe as permanent drunk voice

"YEAH?"

"SET A COURSE FOR PONYVILL!"

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!"

"woah..."

"he's the best navigator around!"

A strange silence followed for an unusual amount of time.

"...wanna see Gavin?"

"Yes."

"well I'm going to start a shanty and you need to find him. He should be in the crews quarters."

"What?"

"♫OH♫"

Suddenly a large explosion was heard in the lower deck as music rises to the surface

"what was that?"

"that...was Gavin"

They journeyed through the lower levels of the ship until they found the sorce of the music. A lengthy man on a unicycle was playing the song of storms on an accordion. His eyes lit up at the sight of the trio as Noah pulled out the last of the curse remover and took the cork out of the jar. Noah then threw a box of raisins coated in the substance and hit Gavin directly in the face. The music stopped as he lost his balance and hit the floor with a thud and a broken curse.

"thank you..."

He slowly stood up and dusted himself off before kicking the accordion. Red flames surrounded the two items and they disappeared in a puff of smoke. The trio explained everything that was happening with Noah and Gavin was caught up.

"ok...what's up?"

"How did you get here the first time?"

"I sneezed so hard. That I was thrown through time and space until I ended up in this firey looking place. I got cursed by a strange red thing and then I started playing music...without my imput."

"I'm sorry. You sneezed? That's why you ended up here?"

""yep."

The four went upstairs and eventually Alex noteced something

"hold up. I need some help. Could you push that button beside the switch?"

Noah obliged and a large amount of different cannons appeared on the top deck. Alex took out his shovel and hit three cannons lighting the fuses. They fired off in the distance and hit something out of sight.

"(sigh)Ok let's see what went wrong this time"

He pulled out an especially pink cannon that without his doing was already lit and fired...straight into his ship. When the cannon was moved. pinky pie was sitting and giggling in its place.

"WHAT?!"

"hi Alex! I'm suuuuuuper glad you called me when you did! Some strange creepy-meany-guy started lighting fires and then he was all like "my precious!" and then he took flutershy and-"

"HE WHAT?!"

"yep!"

"EARL STRAP IN! CODE YELLOW!"

"OH SHIT!"

The sound of a seatbelt clicking shut was heard as the ship suddenly launched forwards. Two minutes later the boat had reached ponyvill. A large crowd of people surrounded the town in a swarm as the crazed humans chased down the small equines... Well. Until Alex parked the massive ship onto a large part of the hoard.

"Gavin. Things are about to get dicey. Take this."

"a gun? Dude I'm not killing anyo-"

"hey isn't that the looser from that dumb game we played a year ago?"

A cannon ball may have launched the small group into the air. But they were all dead before they hit the ground. Some buttons are meant to be pushed. its just that most of Gavin's buttons result in a nuclear holocaust for the poor soul who pushed too far.

Meanwhile in the town hall John was waking up with the the main six minus flutershy. But instead of being helpless. John felt the grip of a tazer in his pocket as well as a unbroken resolve to cause extreme harm to the poor basterd that woke him up... All fighting around ponyvill stopped the moment a large feminine screaming rang out and was quickly silenced.

You will now see why this story got a dark tag.

chapter 35: earning the dark tag

"AAAHHHHHHHH-!"

"SHUT IT YOU HOSRE!"
...

"Who the hell woke me up… oh hey there girls. Why am I in the town hall and where is fluttershy".

he gripped his taser even more and almost slipping it out of his pocket

The girls look between each other as they are not sure of how to explain.

"Well there was this pretty mean mean-y that popped into the middle of town with a bunch of others. They started making fires also. Then he was like I will conquer this land in the name of Shirla who I will forever love. You shall all be the my slaves. Or my name is not ‘Jungfrau Perverser Sexuell wahnsinnig verrückter Raubtier das 3rd’. Which is very lazy google translate if you ask me. Then he looked over at fluttershy calling her ‘shirla it is you at last’. Then he picked her up screaming 'Come with me now my precious-’"

Suddenly for no reason pinky pie dissapeard in a large puff of smoke.

"Well alright the-.. WAIT WHAT!? What was this cunt wearing and where did he go...pinky?"

She was gone.

"Now hold on here pal, how can we be certain that your not with ‘em?"

"Well… John's been living in the library for a few days now. Though most of you haven’t seen him since he has been around Noah. Besides he somehow blends right in tight crowds."

"That’s what she said!"

"...Anyways... That creepy guy ran off towards fluttershy’s cottage"

Wasting not a singular second John turned to book it to the somehow knowing the right direction to go.

When John bargeds out of the town Hall with his taser prepped and set to a new experimental setting Clyde made as a bunch of music started playing around him though the main source was some random pony. Who now had a hole assertment of instruments. That started playing a tune with an accordion as the pony went glassy eyed.

♫Come with me now♫

♫Come with me now.♫

John smirked and started making his way through the hordes of the hormonally charged fan army. Tasing and dealing with those that decided on what was a best way to use there new things. A few most definitely not going to wake up.

♫Whoa, Come with me now

I’m gonna take you down♫

♫Whoa, come with me now

I’m gonna show you how♫

♫Afraid to lose control♫

♫And caught up in this world♫

♫I’ve wasted time,♫

♫I’ve wasted breath♫

♫I’ve think I’ve thought myself to death♫

♫I was born without this fear

Now only this seems clear

I need to move, I need to fight♫

I need to lose myself tonight

♫Whoa, Come with me now

I’m gonna take you down♫

♫Whoa, come with me now

I’m gonna show you how♫

Continuing to push forwards John runs into a guy with a rifle. He was to busy shooting and trying to find his newest big game that he didn’t notice join come up behind him then wrap his arm around his neck while tasing him. He held him to the ground until the man stopped breathing and tossed the guy aside. Grabbing the rifle and making sure he can’t use it anymore before continuing onward with the new toy.

♫I think with my heart and I move with my head

I open my mouth and it’s something I’ve read

I stood at this door before, I’m Told♫

♫But a part of me knows that I’m growing too old♫

Confused what I thought with something I felt

Confuse what I feel with something that’s real♫

♫I tried to sell my soul last night

Funny, he wouldn’t even take a bite♫

♫Far away

I heard him say♫♫Come with me now♫

♫ Don’t delay

I heard him say♫Come with me now♫

Finally reaching Fluttershy's cottage before the end of the song due to the musician singing with him running away. John slams through the door. Dual wielding the rifle and taser. Spotting a recently acquainted man In at the top of the stairs.

"I SEE YOU HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED JOHNNY. OR SHALL I CALL YOU T-"

"DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING FINISH THAT! Now where is fluttershy."

He started to walk down the stairs while John swapped to the rifle and kept it trained on him.

"You mean Shirla. Well… She’s been a really naughty hosre… he he… she is currently upstairs in her room… he he ha..."

Having gone fully insane with laughter by reaching the bottom of the stairs. Which makes John notice the hand held behind his back and a bloodded saw in his other hand.

"What did you do to her!"

"Well that is simple… She was being very, very rough on the way over home. So I brought her upstairs for her punishment."

"She begged me to let her go while I tied her up to the bed. She tried hitting me over and over, so I decided to give her a new worthy punishment."

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!"

John has already started to depress the trigger by the second. The guy on the other hand. He just started to stare straight into Johns eyes with the look of an insane man and started to lift the saw.

"Well I went over to the tool shed to find some tools. Once I got the saw I went back up to her. Then I started just chopping and grinding my tool against her. Her screams were just so great. She kept crying for it to stop. So I knocked here out. I continued until I have gotten the most precious part of my precious."

Pulling his arm out from behind him John almost pukes at what he is holding. He started to wave it around like it was nun chucks. Then He stopped and threw it on the ground with a slight chuckle.

"and the best part is right when I was about to finish the job she woke up to see my handy work in action as I just tore the rest of her limb off. Ah… Then once I had my prize I started to use it to feel better and a just kept going and going until I couldn’t. Now though it is your tur- Gah *Gurgling*"

John having recovered from seeing fluttershy’s bloodied and covered in what he hoped it wasn’t covered in but most definitely was. Just started to pull the trigger multiple times and emptying the rest of the ammo into him.

Then John started rushing to the stairs and jammed the gun into his skull and made his way upstairs and rushed into Fluttershy’s room. Once he was in the room he stopped and started hurling. Once he was finished he rushed over to her blood ridden bed and then broke the restraints. He quickly went over and opened a dresser snatching any clothing he could find.

Rushing back and wrapping the left over stub in the clothing. He then took one of the rope restraints and wrapped it around her sub further up. Picks up his phone and dials Noah with his bloodied hands. He also starts to here a commotion outside and picked up fluttershy over his shoulders. And then ran to leave. To see what looked hundred humans running from the town towards him with the intent to kill. And then Noah finally picked up.

"Noah this Is john I need anyway I can get a medivac fast to any source of highly trained and professional near Fluttershy’s hut, and any blooddy support Now!"

"oh shit! I'll be right th-"

John just drops his phone cutting Noah off instead of hanging up and then pulls out his taser and increasing it with one hand to the highest setting. He started muttering:

"Afraid to lose control. I was born without this fair. Now only this seems clear, I need to move, I need to fight. I’ve tried to sell my soul last night, funny he wouldn’t even take a bite. I’ve stood at this door before and caught up in this world, but a part of me knows I’m growing too old."

He then looked up at the approaching hord ready for a fight as manic laughter echoed in the distance

chapter 36: turning that shit up to eleven...out of a possible five

Back at the center of town the streets were caked in a layer of blood and bodies. A large portion of the opposition retreated, leaving only the most intense and hardcore of the bunch as well as a few stragglers. A small portion of bronys were actually trying to stop some of the other Bronys out of fear of what will become of ponyvill...that was until half of the group was swiftly killed by the crazed swings of a massive balding man wielding a machete. It was basically the Brony equivalent of Jason from Friday the thirteenth complete with a hockey mask. In the distance cannon fire rang out and the large hulking mass discovering his new target shuffles slowly towards the direction of the noise.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------sugar-cube corrner: 30 seconds after phone call

"ALEX WE NEED TO GO!"

"aw. But I'm hav-."

"SOME CRAZY FUCK JUST CUT OFF FLUTERSHY'S LEG"

"THE FUCK?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN CUT OFF?!"

"AS IN THEY FUCKING HACKED IT OFF WITH A SAW OR SOME SHIT!"

Alex pulled a large cannon off of his ship and crammed Gavin inside along with Noah and himself. Pinky pie took aim and fired the trio in the direction of flutershy's. Gavin managed to slip out of the cannon before it fired and off-put pinky's trajectory. The two flew off into the distance as a very large man approached the remaining three.

"woah..."

"oh fuck"

"OH! Maybe he's friendly!"

The large man tore a door off its hinges and threw it at the group missing by an inch

"or not"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile in the sky.

The two friends approached flutershy's house...until something hit Alex and he went off course. Noah crash landed near flutershy's house and luckily for Noah a random Person broke his fall

"OW FUCK!"

"Oh shit! Sorry!"

The person who broke Noah's fall got up and dusted himself off.

"ok...names Gary."

"Well I'm Noah. Thanks for breaking my fall."

Noah didn't know why. But he felt like he could trust this person.

"...bye now!"

But unfortunately for Gary more pressing matters were at hand. Noah ran towards the house taking note of the bodies surrounding the area.

"HEY JOHN!"

...

Out of the corrner of his eye, Noah spotted something yellow. It was flutershy. And as John said her left-hind leg was missing. She was going into shock.

"..."

Noah attempted to pick flutershy up, but it was to no avail. Suddenly Gary entered the building and helped Noah carry flutershy without a word. Unknown to Noah His face showed a small smirk as he helped dragged flutershy to the hospital.

Soon...He would be perfect and nothing would stand in his way...except one small detail...but he would be dealt with.

It was only a matter of time...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile at the town centre...

As the large man sprinted towards them the world darkened and scootaloo flew into the air as pinky loaded the cannon from earlier with a large cannon ball. The man noticed this and made a beeline for pinky as the fuse neared its end. Scootaloo suddenly tackled the large man and pushed him back.

He grabbed Scootaloo out of the air and threw her on the ground. The cannon fired and when it hit the man he simply slashed at the iron mass with his machete. The ball was cut in two and the man threw one half of the ball at pinky, nailing her in the head. Gavin then took aim and shot the man with his gun...to everyone's surprise the man was killed instantly as the bullet entered his skull, unlike the real Jason,the man did not return from the dead

"huh...neat"

"(gasp) I forgot gummy at the hospital!

"what?"

Pinky offered no explanation as she grabbed Gavin and scootaloo before sprinting to the hospital somehow while draging her captives

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile somewhere in New Mexico (in front of a burning quills and sofas store)

"HEY! WAKE UP!"

"huh?"

"where the hell did you come from? you smashed through my cover!"

"...my head hurts" :(

"wha? Where am I?"

"what?"

"...?"

In front of both of them was a somewhat cross eyed gray Pegasus .

"oh crap! I hope I didn't hit you too hard..."

"dude I think you hit her a bit too hard..."

"dude shut up. She was already like that"

"why are we whispering?"

"...muffin button?"

Her eyes focused for a moment as her pupils grew...until her eyes drifted in opposite directions.

"where can I get one?"

Alex shrugged and a idea crossed his mind

"...muffin cannon?"

Her eyes straightened again but this time they remained in a normal looking position. And then some falling debris hit Derpy causing her eyes to not only drift much farther apart then usual but also go bloodshot. For the first time in his life Alex experienced true fear as a manic smile crept across Derpy's face ...and Alex kinda enjoyed this alien feeling:

"ha...HAHAHAHA!"

"...you ok?"

"so your telling me that i can ether bake muffins at four hundred degrees for ten minutes or four thousand degrees for one minutes?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"How about four million degrees for one second?!"

"CALM DOWN DERPY! YOUR GOING TO BURN THE TOWN DOWN!"

"IM GOING TO HARVEST THE FUCKING POWER OF CELESTIA'S SUN TO MAKE MUFFINS! AAAAAHAHAHA-"

In Canterlot Celestia suddenly shivered violently. There was a disturbance in the air as dark energy powerful enough to wipe out the moon flowed from ponyvill...then suddenly ceased. She would look into this soon...but she had more important matters to attend to (...I'm not saying it was cake...but I'm also not saying it wasn't cake)

another chunk of debris hit Derpy knocking her unconscious and cementing her in Alex's mind as the scariest thing he will ever see. Unfortunately Derpy's outburst also alerted the searching group to their location.

"I SEE THEM OVER THERE!"

"...what in the fuck just happened?"

"I don't even know anymore"

"..."

Alex's simple response was to put Derpy on his shoulders and make a mad dash to the hospital in the distance as John finally remembered something important.

he forgot to untie the mane six

"well shit"

It seemed like the town hall would be where he makes his last stand

...bugger

chapter 37: bucket of sick

John looked to the incoming group and then turned and started running. As fast as a person that is becoming fatigued from minor injuries and losing adrenaline can. Which is still enough to not get caught though.

”This is getting ridiculous…. I’m probably going to have an aneurysm or something from this crap. I’m already going to…. possibly need therapy because of what I did and seen today. Why…. are there so many of you!” He called out while running over towards the town hall.

”We climbed through your box that you left out in the middle of the con man! Now stop running and let us get you DAMMIT!”

“Wait how the hell did some of you get guns into the con… and can’t we change the pace of this chase to a speed walking?!”

”No so just suck it up you wuss! Also no clue security was probably lazy this year!”

John just kept on running and thrown random objects he came across behind him. Though the amount of damage a hayburger and cup of some random juice can do is not much besides possible food poisoning. At least everything at the library should be going fine.

"Should be… he he he. I’m going to get so much hell by them."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Earlier after John left the Cosma Hall Palace (Town Hall)

”ahhh. Twi… Y’all realize our only way of getting untied just left, right.”

”I must agree with Applejack, dear. I can’t even fix my mane while like this”

”Yeah and my wings are starting to get stiff.”

Twilight sheepishly looked back at all her friends who started looking at her “he he… Well he did ask and all though and it’s not like something could happen to us.

And as if murphy was listening to the conversation. A swift breeze comes through the door upon and a creecking is heard there. Panic starts spread through them. Just to see that murphy turned out to be on break and that it was just debris bouncing into the room.

After a long while of silence besides a small game of I spy that lasted for a bit. The silence was finally broken due to impatience.

“Ahhhhhh. This is getting Booooring. What the hay is happening out there.

As if to answer the question on que. John runs in through the door and slams it closed behind him and then leaned into it. This was shortly followed by a mass hitting the door. John also started to frantically look for some form of lock mechanism. While whoever was on the other side continued to ram into it.

”Don’t Mind me just trying to lock a door here!”

Knock Knock knock

”Open up! We have the authority right now!”

”What authority do you even have here, because I doubt that the government put anyone up to this!”

”Ah… well none but it just seem cool to say that we have it.Gah! You’re ruining the moment!”

”Well sorry then, but no joy is allowed right no-”

”I’m sorry to interrupt dearlings, but do you have to argue and yell through the door?” Rarity asked loud enough to be heard through the door.

The mob outside pounding into the door and John stopped. Though he actually just found the lock, but nonetheless he turned to the 4 ponies in the room.

”Well… it’s just… I actually have no clue why we are. It’s probably some form of stress relief right now to distract my mind.”

”Can Y’all just stop for a sec, and help us out of this rope we’re stuck in.

”Yeah do you mind getting these off us. My wings aren’t meant to be together for this long.

”Rainbow you are always sleeping on a cloud…”

”Yeah so…’

By now the mob outside have started trying to open the door again. Which was making some good progress that John had to lean back into the door. Though the mob seemed to have shrunk to smaller size

”Anywaayss… John Can you help us?

”Busy at the moment right now. Besides can’t you just use your magic.

”Whahahat… pfff of course we have tried that.

John just looked with a raised eyebrow. Which caused Twilight to smile uneasily and then use her magic to teleport out of the rope. She then turned around and swiftly untied the others. Once they were all untied Rainbow flow up to John

”So how many are out there.”

“Didn’t get an exact count but I think ten.”

Dash was about to say something but was interrupted when the unnoticed back door was opened and 10 guys walked in.

“Your wrong. There was thirteen of us!”

“Can’t you just go away…”

“No because we need to get you… for reasons. Now come her-

Before he could even finish dash had flown up to him and uppercutted him. He went flying back into the middle of the group behind him while three more walked into the room. It was almost a perfect strike except the the two on the side both stepped to the side.

The three that walked into the room almost tripped but looked at the ponies and other humans in the room. Twilight and Rarity had their horns light, though Rarity somehow had a sewing kit and needles next to her. Applejack has taken a rope and made a lasso from it and was currently twirling it. While dash started punching her hoofs togethers. John just looked at the door behind him then unlocked it before peeking out before mumbling something about multiple entrances.

“So who else wants to deal with us?”

The ones who were still standing just looked to each other than shrugged and started to run forwards. The battle that followed was entirely one sided. Dash flow backwards while Twilight just used her magic and surrounded them in a bubble of magic. Then Applejack trotted up to those who were currently on the ground moaning and tied them up. John came over and helped Applejack as she carried the group to the center of the room. Dash just danced in front of those in the bubble while Rarity just fixed her mane and coat.
Once the main group of 7 was in the center of the room. Applejacked trotted up to the bubble with more rope. Twilight then span the bubble causing the five to flip over then she dropped it. They then fell and hit their heads, tied up and moved to the center of the room.

“Now that that is done what shall we do now?”

“We should head over to the hospital besides that's where I think everyone going to anyway and don’t worry about these guys they should be fine if we leave them here.”

“I agree dearie that rope has been particularly tight.”

While everyone rolled their eyes they all started off to the hospital. Which since john had no idea where it was he just followed the four.

chapter 38: ...so can she be a pirate now? Alex has some spare peg legs in the trunk

The halls of the hospital were in disarray and chaos as the doctors and nurses ran in and out of rooms frantically as they attended the many injured pony’s in need of help. If the hallways weren’t crowded with hospital personnel and patients it would practically look as if one stepped into a horror movie.

Noah and Gary were hauling fluttershy into the hospital as many nearby pony’s flinched at the sight of the humans. Some were shouting at the two and others were hiding their children behind themselves. As at the doorway John arrived just in time to see the chaos.

“WE GOT INJURED HERE!”

”and what could be so bad to remove a patient from th-“

It wasn’t the fact that she recognized who Noah was or the fact that he was carrying a pony with a severed leg bleeding everywhere. It was when Gary had gotten close to the nurse that she suddenly to John’s disbelief stopped and started smiling. In fact everyone in the room had stopped their hysteria and simply smiled as if nothing was wrong. Gary winked and one of the pony’s even fainted as the nurse slowly put fluttershy on what looked like a poorly crafted table on wheels. They carted her off and Gary gave a sly expression as he walked out of the hospital. When he walked by John there was a flash of intensity on Gary’s face as he looked into john’s eyes. No one except John noticed that the improvised stretcher was previously occupied by a injured pony that was dumped when fluttershy was set down. The pony didn’t even make a sound. The hospital jumpstarted and everyone affected went back to a slightly less manic panic as they started worrying about the remaining human.

Noah was evicted from the hospital and they boarded up the door not wanting anything to do with humans. Noah spotted Alex in the distance as he approached the hospital no longer carrying Derpy. She was awake and looked somewhat spooky with her bloodshot eyes. Suddenly the doors of the hospital flew open as a pink blur blasted through the baracade. Shouting from a few ponys rang out and a few minutes later Gavin was thrown out of the hospital alongside Scootaloo and pinky pie who had a large green reptile on her back.

”I don’t know why but somehow that looks adorable”

”...great now I want one-*DING* I HAVE AN IDEA!’

“No we can’t have a gater cannon”

”DAMMIT”

Derpy nudged Alex and to Noah’s surprise this started Alex

”muffins?”

”oh right. Sorry guys I gotta go make a cannon that bakes and shoots muffins. it won’t take long since it should work like the old mail cannon-“

”wait. Your telling me you also have a mail cannon?!”

“Yes he does. I used to work on his boat with him and we shipped mail and goods from Canada to America. It’s how he made his first cannon: ‘the mailman’ ”

”...you ever consider working for the ponyvill post office”

”...can I?”

Derpy nodded and told Alex an estimate of his salary. Apparently the post office pays handsomely for mailmen who can take over Derpy’s route if she can’t (she is still the best mailmare they have. It’s just that sometimes her eyes lead her astray and she gets lost)

and so with the threat gone and the bronys in a full retreat. Eventually the only ones remaining were the dead ones and the occasional straggler who simply got lost. When Noah returned with scootaloo to the tree house Noah put the box the bronys used over a precious pit and he traveled to earth and left a note on the box warning anyone else who would try anything about the instant death that awaited. Only one tested this and he was swiftly caught and brought back to earth before he could fall to his death.

John returned to the house since he wouldn’t be allowed in the hospital to check on fluttershy. A few days passed and after the body’s were cleared from the streets via magic and Fluttershy was released from the hospital...they had to cauterize the wound and couldn’t save the leg. Noah remembered a running joke in the fandom about fluttershy wanting to be a tree and he asked Alex for a peg leg

”...are you seriously asking me this just because I’m a pirate?”

“Yes”

”...I have one in the back of the ship that is made of stainless steel.”

“Aw but-“

”dude just trust me on this. It’s mechanical and should work similar to her old leg.”

“Ok that actually sounds good”

Alex nodded and went off to the ship to collect the leg as pinky attempted to throw a party to cheer fluttershy up. It didn’t work thanks to fluttershy constantly tripping and forgetting about her missing leg. Alex returned shortly with the leg all wrapped up like a present. When pinky started handing out some gifts eventually fluttershy opened Alex’s.

”ok and it says here that this one is from Alex. Thank you.”

She opened the gift

”...uh excuse me Alex? I don’t mean to be rude but...what is this?”

”it’s something special I picked up on one of my adventures...it’s a leg fluttershy. But not one of those basic pegs or anything like that. You slap this on and suddenly it’s as if you got a brand new leg!”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped as Alex picked up the mechanical leg and he pushed a button. He moved the leg to fluttershy’s stump and strapped on the leg. It twitched violently in all directions before calming down and moving with fluttershy.

She could control it just as easily as her old leg. Alex pushed another button and the leg turned a shade of yellow similar of the colour of fluttershy’s fur and thanks to the power of magic she could also feel the entirety of her new leg as if she had it since the day she was born.

Alex put a special sleeve over the prosthetic and if it weren’t for the lack of fur or the slight glow coming from the middle of the leg it would be impossible to see the difference between her old leg and this one. The entirety of the party came to a crashing halt as they stared not at fluttershy. But at Alex.

”...what? It’s not like it’s weaponized or something.”

Everyone continued to stare except for Noah and Gavin who both let out a sigh of relief.

”it’s not that. It’s just you would actually do something like this for us?”

”twilight. I’m crazy not heartless. Anyway I gotta get going. Me and Derpy have got a date-“

Suddenly Clyde crashed through the floorboards tied up with rope

”AHA!”

”...with a muffin cannon. Dude I just met her. Give it a rest.”

”...ok then.”

Alex and Derpy left as John untied Clyde.

”...we need to talk”

”about what?”

”everything”

John looked around for the source of the voice only to find that he wasn’t in fluttershy’s house anymore. He was in a quaint little room with a laptop on a desk and a bed in the middle of the room against the wall On that bed Clyde was sitting down and in a chair next to the bed sat a young man with a small beard. He looked similar to Noah except much more...plain

” so John. What’s your opinion on breaking the forth wall?”

chapter 39: self-insert-seption

”Hi John. I’m pretty sure you already know who I am.”

”Of course I know who you are. Your the cat in the box playing video games. Also known as the author.”

”well that’s good to know”

“Look John. You see I made a mistake. About a year ago I created a story. A self insert. But not the story you currently reside in. It was called the soul and it’s old magic. I wrote the story and eventually realized what I had done after reading something about a Mary Sue... it wasn’t me in that story John. It was a fucking emotionless robot! I quickly gave up and cancelled the story... but something went wrong.

”what?”

“Well I’m a strong believer in the infinite worlds theory. I got scared and somewhere a universe was just destroyed for my idiocy. What do you know about tommy astryo?

” One question. Who’s tommy astro?”

”he is from another story John. Dude. The moment you entered my story everything started acting up.

I may be the author but thanks to you some characters went off script. That whole brony fight? Yeah that shouldn’t have happened. These chapters just appeared without any of my writing. It’s like...like I have lost control of my story. Other than you only three others can influence the story. Clyde of course, pinky pie, and Gary... now about why my first story is important... dude I believe that somewhere this shit is happening. And I know the comments probably won’t like how I’m breaking the forth wall like this but I don’t see any other way to talk with you.

Fuck it. Gary is the Noah from my first story. But he isn’t like anyone you have seen. He is trying to complete his objective. But since he isint in his story anymore...there is only one way to do this. He is going to try to recreate his universe here. It won’t work. He isn’t his own character anymore. Just a bunch of cliché. Basically as a Gary sue he gains power from the masses. Popular stuff gets him power but... all he knows how to do is retcon if this story gets ran into the ground and canceled what do you think would happen to someone not mentioned anywhere else like you and Clyde? I brought tommy back to avoid his fate but when I made Gary he was supposed to just be a quick little poke at clichés but...he writes his own lines. He is still the protagonist of his story...which leads us to the biggest problem. The real world. Part of the script for the old story was to retcon pandemic and throw him into that mess but if he succeeds...than basically the events of that story will happen for real!

And don’t think that excludes you guys in the comments section. You all play a bigger role than you know. After all. One of you did get saved by Clyde at brony con.”

”Which does warrant a thanks which I think is easily paid with alcohol.”

”if I can find whoever you are I’ll ask Clyde to give it to you”

”Noah. We need to go back now”

”...wait if you aren’t in the story anymore how can I send you back?”

”I can help with that!”

”HOLY SHIT!”

”...huh ok then”

”just grab my hoof!”

”uh ok like thi-

*POP*

”...”

”see you in a few years bud.”

”...yeah On second thought I’m giving Alex that special power he suggested”

”yeah that’s probably not a good idea-“

”oops! Sorry that I forgot you Clyde! Bye Noah! See you soon!”

”well not that soon bu-“

*POP*

”...oh shit. It really is going to happen isn’t it?”

————————————————————Fluttershy’s house

”-with a muffin cannon. Dude I just met her. Give it a rest.”

John looked around and found he was once again in fluttershy’s house...he also spotted Gary peeking through the window.

”shit”

A note appeared in front of John

”ok so I calmed down a bit and basically I believe you need to keep Gary here in ponyvill while the whole sombra thing happens. I found a lose end to tie up that we can use Gary for...we need to turn him into the changeling King from the start of the story. If that happens...well you already know it has an explosive end. Also I’m making your taser have infinite charges from now on since you were running low.

Good luck.

-ps Noah (as in the one with the shadow stuff) won’t remember our conversation due to Gary fucking shit up...or ADHD. Which ever strikes first

-theboxcatgamr “

”...huh”

fluttershy quickly hugs Alex and after a while he managed to break out of her now iron grasp. He returned to his ship and entered the captains quarters. The room had six big boards on them that were full of coloured nails and on some bigger nails were pictures. He went over to the solitary one in the back that was empty and began nailing a gray and yellow nail into the wood. Alex went below deck with Derpy and continued to work on the muffin cannon as earl made a comment:

”aw yeah that’s our captain. First he bangs the drums. Then he bangs your mum”

”I can still hear you earl!”

The people at the party went home and eventually the events of the past few days slowly faded from everyone’s minds.

Because as the author apparently I can do that now.

A day passed and eventually Alex and pinky found a very strange lake... under a rock.

”huh...it looks reflective.

”and convenient for the story!”

”wait. If this is that one lake-thing that duplicates things...if I dip my shovel into it and later on swing it...throwing shovels?”

”oh silly. The mirror pool doesn’t work like that.”

Suddenly the mirror pool did work like that

”...bugger”

Alex dipped his shovel into the water and left with a brand new crystal shovel instead of a perfect replica.

BECAUSE SCIENCE DEMANDS MORE SHOVELS

chapter 40: a royal shotgun wedding

In order to keep things difficult for Gary we are skipping to the wedding. So now a basic run down of everything in between last chapter and now:

Alex got a special shovel,

I got a hat :3 (...also in the story)

Pinky divided by 0

Alex now has a working muffin cannon

Derpy used the muffin cannon to recreate that one scene where the guy sits in a chair and pull a rope and water falls on him...only replace the guy with Derpy and the water with muffins. Now that was funny to watch

Gavin declared his quest to get a girlfriend and has decided to try something risky

And now we are here

"Ok so what's up today Scootaloo?"

"...food?"

"Ah...so the usual?"

"HE GOT WHAT?!"

"...ok so I guess we push that away for a bit"

"aw but dad...food"

"Ok then. what you feel like having today?"

"...uh pancakes?"

"Good idea. I will ask spike-"

"uh Noah. You might want to see this."

Clyde was carrying Gavin on his shoulder. He wasn't hurt or anything, just asleep.

Twilight had gotten an invitation to her brothers wedding (surprisingly not from the actual groom or wife. But Celestia instead.) and they needed to go to canterlot. Wasn't really important to Noah until he discovered that his duties as a guardian of the elements requires Noah, Clyde and nightmare to go with them. Not wanting to leave Scootaloo behind Noah managed to get a invitation for her

and Gary.

...Noah, Alex, Derpy, Gavin and John all used Alex's ship to follow the group to Canterlot. Where they were stopped by a large sphere overlapping the city. Noah used his rank to convince the guards to let the massive ship inside the city. Alex hid his ship behind a small tree before leaving the large boat to go and meet up with the mane six.

The crew caught twilight doing an absolutely adorable little dance in front of what everyone assumed was the bride to be. Candice was looking confused at the little dance and as we know this probably means that she is an evil bug overlord helbent on taking over the world. But anyone could deduce that just from the display.

...except everyone in the room that is.

Gavin's original plan of being the world's greatest steal-ya-girl came to a crashing halt when he noticed something kinda obviously wrong. In front of them was ~~crysleles. Chasilese GOD FUCKN DAMMIT~~ a giant bug-thing. Only the human's and Scootaloo could see this. Being smart Gavin kept his mouth shut.

"Alex why is there a big bug thing?"

"I don't know. Just keep smiling and don't make eye contact"

Ok so I guess Derpy can see her too...she sees a lot of things. Gavin pulled Alex and Derpy into a side room

"did you guys see that?"

"yeah. Derpy saw it too. What the hell was that?"

"I don't know. But I'm getting to the bottom of this. You look for something we can use against her.

Alex nodded and Derpy gave a salute before they left to find something incriminating as Gavin used his skill of waiting for things to happen, vigorously. Eventually Gavin spotted the newlyweds doing some really kinky shit...though shining armour looked a bit less...willing. Then magic happened and his eyes turned green. Gavin knew what he needed to do.
Some music started playing and suddenly Scootaloo was beside Gavin a bit confused.

And then she started Gavin off:

"Remove the gag and step away, he's suffocating.
You pull the strings day after day.
That's why he needs a break from you,
Bid your ass adieu,
A break from you,
Bitch, your ass is through."

"Oh, I hope he hears these words
Maybe this time he will learn..."

"You should escape,
Skip town,
No more excuses,
Abandon ship or drown.
No more excuses,
Do you even have a plan of attack?
A way to react?
Oh no, you should escape, skip town,
You're better on your own."

"OK we get it,
You're both a happy couple,
Why else go through the trouble,
Of posting it ten times a day?
Break from you,
Bid your ass adieu,
We need a break from you,
Bitch, your ass is through."

"Oh, I hope he hears these words
Maybe this time he will learn..."

"You should escape,
Skip town,
No more excuses,
Abandon ship or drown.
No more excuses,
Do you even have a plan of attack?
A way to react?
Oh no, you should escape, skip town,
You're better on your own."

"If you're both in black and white
And they ask who dares defy,
I'll be raising my hand high."

"If anyone should object to this marriage,
Please, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"Yeah, I got somethin' to say..."

Suddenly the doors to the church opened and there stood twilight, the real Candice, and Noah.

Alex leapt out from behind the altar and grabbed the fake Candece by the back of the head as Derpy spread a white substance over the alter and made two neat lines of what could only be coke.

Alex smashed her head into the alter covering her in cocaine. Alex then threw her onto the alter head first and when she hit the ground she sneezed and her fake skin faded for the rest of the party goers in a flash of flame. She couldn't sing though thanks to just being ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TRASH AT EVERYTHING!

nah I'm kidding.

She was just on drugs.

Still can't spell her name though.

This was all Gary needed to begin his plan...

If only he knew...

We about to blast this bitch with magic and I need a bit of a helping hand...

So tell me. Space borrito, a pinch of cocaine, or just throwing water in his face?

We have many options on how to...deal with Gary. But I thought you guys might get a kick out of having something to do to him. So...how should Gary be unicorn-d?

chapter 41: the one that took way too goddamm long

Last time on bamboozled again!

"food?"

"No"

"food?"

"Yes"

"my brother is getting married!?"

"no u"

"What?"

"what?"

"what?"

"why is there a bug thing?

"i don't know. Just don't make eye contact"

*Derp increased to 100*

"if anyone objects to this-"

*raises hand*

"I got a few words"

"AHCHOO!"

"wow she's a changeling"

"your next"

"what?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Canterlot castle

"how could you have possibly-RAGH!"

"there goes the cocaine"

Suddenly queen chrysalis ran and burst through a window while unleashing a primal scream. leaving the entire room confused.

"And there goes the queen"

The sound of shattering glass returned but this time much further away.

"THEY BROKE THE BARRIER!"

"oh no. What will we do?" Gary said emotionlessly

"only the power of love can save us"

"...I don't know..."

It seemed like Gavin's song was more effective than he had intended

"come on shiny."

"...ok I'll try"

The unicorn and alicorn embraced and a bright light flowed from Candece's horn

"it's not working! We need more love!"

"well how the hell do we-"

Suddenly Derpy swept Alex off his feet and went for a deep kiss. The light from Candece's horn was only matched in intensity by the shade of Alex's blush. Clyde was screaming about how he know this would happen, the mane six were gawking in aw, Noah was cheering his friend on and Gary was being dragged into a side room by John.

John grabbed a large latex glove he had filled with cocaine and put a bag over Gary's head. John then slipped the glove into the small opening before delivering a powerful right hook to Gary's face. Cocaine burst out of the glove and exploded the bag leaving a large white cloud around Gary's head. Gary exploded in a green flame and turned into a changeling because cocaine solved all of the weddings problems. Gary suddenly flew through a brick wall when exposed to the light, banishing Gary to the badlands.

With that problem solved John returned to the other room and finally saw what had given him the distraction he needed. They were still kissing even when the light died out. In fact they weren’t even breathing. John inspected the scene before he noticed that it wasn’t just those two who were frozen. John returned to the previous room and from the large hole in the wall he could only see one thing moving. It wasn’t Gary as he was in the air mid flip. The figure seemed to be arguing with someone.

Suddenly green lighting struck the figure and as it collapsed Gary started blasting off again and some bricks still on the wall flew off as well. The cheering from the other room resumed and the figure remained on the ground.

”this is bull shit! Why couldn’t I get one?”

“You ain’t aggressive enough Gavin”

”well at least that problem was...solved”

”...”

Nightmare looked nervous as Candece stared suspiciously at her

“...something wrong Candece?”

She hesitated before breaking her stare

”no I’m good just wondering how anyone could love that thing”

“What was that last part?

"so anyone up for pancakes?"

"ok"

"whuh?"

Alex broke free of his trance

"..."

The group went for pancakes and it took a minute for the wedding guests to process exactly what just happened

”...what the buck?”

There it is

The wedding was rescheduled for a week later as the pony’s clean up the large mess the changeling attack left in its wake.

“Wait you guys have IHOP?”

”yeah we do. But here it’s called IHOC (international house of cakes) Is it really that strange?”

“Hehehe. What do you like STREAT HOC?”

”well considering how we have these on earth with a similar name...yeah kinda.”

“wait. Earth? Like the ground we are standing on?”

Noah suddenly remembered that he had never told anyone about his home planet

“Gavin don-!”

”no I’m talking about the planet.”

”what!?”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

”wait-YOUR ALIENS?!”

Sirens rang out in the distance.

After a hour passed Noah managed to calm down twilight

They went inside and a waitress nervously approached the group full of aliens and royalty.

”can-can I help you?”

“Yes. Sandvich”

”what?”

“You know. Sandvich? Nom? It make me strong”

Noah’s heavy impersonation needed work.

”got rum?”

”oh I’m sorry we only serve that on Wednesday’s”

”...it is Wednesday”

”don’t care”

The waitress skipped the next five people plus earl until she hit royalty

”what may I get you princess Candice?”

”...ok I guess I’ll have-“

”ok that’s nice sweetie but can I get some advice?”

”(sigh) just divorce him and get it over with sandy”

”thanks doll”

The waitress promptly left the IHOC to go divorce her husband and gat all his stuff because even though this is a matriarchal society the girl always takes all the boys stuff. While this happened Noah noted Celestia in the corner stall with a tower of empty plates. He than witnessed Celestia devour a cake in a most princessly way: face first. He didn’t call Celestia out however as he needed to stop Alex and Derpy from leaving the IHOC and declaring war on the cake facility.

”JUST GIVE US THE DAMM RUM!”

”I DEMAND EQUALITY FREE RUM FOR ALL!”

Alex took out his speaker and started playing the U.S.S.R anthem and sang along to the words. When Derpy heard this she suddenly stopped and started to convulse

“ALEX STOP THE MUSIC!”

”YOU CANNOT STOP THE TIDE OF THE SOV-“

He stopped when he saw Derpy and promptly paused the song

”oh shit”

”SHE IS HAVING A MAGIC SEZURE!”

”WHO THE FUCK CREATED A TYPE OF MAGIC THAT CREATES SEZURES?!”

...well I guess me.
Because story stuff

”ok.ok I think it’s over”

Only one of Derpy’s eyes were lazy now

”uuugh...red?”

”-!

Ditzy?”

”did we do it?”

“Do what?”

”AH! WHO ARE YOU?!”

“I’m Noah”

”Noah? Wait you’re red’s friend!”

“Ok Alex. Explain.”

”can’t”

“Why not?”

”because one evil bastard over in the crystal kingdom has dinky”

“AND YOUR TELLING US THIS NOW?!”

”ok. Ditzy I need you to remain calm. But you arnt in 2023 anymore”

”WHAT?!”

”your back ditzy. That’s all that matters”

”Noah where are you going with this?”

”Mexico”

”what?”

”I’m very tired”

chapter 42: your looking a bit horse AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

”Alright so we’re heading north after we get some rest?”

”Yes Sir Yeh, Johnny! Oh hey when did your color change

”It happened just since after the changelings all left I noticed how I had the same color as someone else and been thinking of what to do with it… Oh By the way Gary told me he had to leave to go somewhere and then he broke the wall and ran off. I think he said something about a bug fetish, besides that nothing really happened. Well there is supposedly a new country and I’m supposedly its leader but nothing else.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Is the amount of lines correct? (back to where John was left off in the castle.)

Hm…. yeah this wall is going to cost a lot of coin to fix. Though I can just use this convenient credit card to the bank of Canterlot I took out Gary’s pocket. Knowing How everyone was around him I’ll be amazed to find if not half the treasury for the country is on here. Let’s see… Official High Member card of money… blah blah blah… Oh no background checks. Alright and pin number…. Really One zero zero zero one eight zero zero cash now. Well time to pocket it and go on a victory spree.

”Oh my what have you done to this wall?”

Crap it’s the other Blueblood and he seems to be flanked by two guards. I gotta leave now… wait… operational plot advancement. Time to use High Aristocracy voice.

”I know it’s just absolutely disgraceful, those absolutely dreadful bugs dragged me in here then did this. You would think for an events such as this they would hold better security.’

The two guards walk over to the wall and start watching outside of it. Pretty sure I just heard something about a place called IHOC from the other room. While Blueblood just trots up to me and continues his usual ways. That I got to fuel a bit to somehow make him want to become a king.

“Truly it is horrific that that these things had the audacity to attack. I will have to convince my aunt to send the pathetic guard after them. I must ask though I don’t guite recognize you.”

By the power of quick thinking bs nonsense and the power of god and anime on my side save me like it has before.

”Me, I am the Leader of the country of Dak Dakastan (Dak Dak-ah-Stan). It is just across the Ocean and not many have traveled there. In fact I am here to have built a relation with the world I newly discovered. I go by the name Führer Джон. (enjoy google translate)”

”Prince Blueblood, though I notice you said have, why would that be?”

Thankfully it seems the guards have walked off so i can finally get the plan started.

”Ah yes that. I was planning on opening relations with your country but it seems that it is full of incompetent princesses and even more incompetent guard. They don’t even seem to let the prince help if you have to ask them. If only a stronger leader like a King could arise and take over leadership none of this could have happened.”

”Perhaps that could be me in the future, I am really tired of my aunts over ruling me and I’m obviously much more better to run this land since what can they know. Anyways until we meet again then. Preferably when I’m the King.”

He starts to trot to the other entrance into the room and the guards came back and followed him towards the door.

”Till we see eachother again fair friend.”

John then turned and walked back towards the door after a quick glance out the hole. The figure is no longer there and it seems there is no sign of anything over being there, beside the obvious wall that no longer existed. He then watched as Blue left and then went back to the door to the wedding room and heavily sighed which sounded like someone dropped a pin so he looked up.

It was surprising empty… Like no one was in here. So John with is hope full victory spoils. So john went on a leisurely walk throughout the castle when a thought strikes him.

How did I convince Blueblood while wearing my normal clothes and how have I not gotten any formal wear and I never got an invItation… my god am I turning into a Gary Sue…. Ahhhh just gonna shove this thought somewhere between experimenting with tazing on alcohol and why it seems like I’m world building

He finally left the castle and made his way down the street. This made all hope for the sweet sweet victory spoils of the unknown card untamable. Though it looked like the bank was still open so that’s a plus. The street was worse for wear as it was covered in roofing and some rubble. Yeah the invasine did not get that far to making it to the ground by the looks of it. Ponies where everywhere also having started the clean up. Like that one over in some random direction because this is being read so you wouldn’t actually know that is a blue unicorn trying to mop up debris.

He want to the bank to check the card and found it pretty easy to. Though it was not much in there like he hoped though enough for a series case of illegal identity theft. He used some of it to make a new premium account and transfer the rest over. Effectively almost bankrupting Gary if he ever came back and tried to use the bank.

John then left and started an ultimate pizza IHOC quest and spent his next few years searching for it. As the legends will say it took a good 5 years to walk to the building which years definitely does not mean minutes. Once he made it there he prepared to enter the den.

[color=af6e4d]Seems like my memory has started to change things.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Is the lines... morse code?(IHOC pretty much the present)

Celestia who had Finished her cake and was listening asked John what he meant by a new country

“If anyone ask we are looking for peace and located across the ocean. Also there are talks between Equestria and my supposed country Dak Dakastan. Though if they connect the dots the events that sadly happened was from Dak Dakastan ultranationalist and don’t represent the country. BUT no time while I’m talking faster while hoping no one hears what I’m saying so they forget about what I just said and for that we got to head north to save….dinky… Dinky from The Kingdom of Evil Crystals”

John promptly then leaves the IHOC with a face that says please oh please don’t ask anything else about it.

Suddenly the U.S.S.R anthem began playing...

chapter 43: the evil king sombrero

Celestia had just finished a nice conversation with John when suddenly a large blast of dark energy flew into the sky and hedded in two directions. North and south. Celestia went outside of the restaurant and found a gray Pegasus among her student and her friends. Knowing shit was about to hit the fan Celestia teleported to her throne room to plan. An hour passed and a guard approached the two princesses

”news from Northern Equestria (no not Canada) Uh...your highness.”

”yes?”

”I am simply here to tell you that it has returned”

”...find princess Candace and Prince shining Armour”

”yes your highness”

”and summon the guardians as well”

”very well your highness”

A few moments passed and the same guard returned with both requested parties

Twilight was hyperventilating and panicking about her test.

also spike was there

”twilight I-“

Suddenly Derpy burst through a window and stuffed Noah into a barrel before leaving through the same window. She took Noah back to Alex’s ship and then they set off before any guards could catch up.

Noah got out of the barrel and asked a simple question.

“Dude what the fuck?”

”no time, I need you to get that box thing from earlier and help me out with something”

“Ok so you want my help with rescueing ditzy’s daughter?”

”please...”

“Alright I’m game. Take us to that one lake near ponyvill”

And so Alex,Ditzy,Noah,and earl set off towards ponyvill leaving the princesses a bit confused.

Noah retrieved the box from its hiding place over a cliff edge and put it on board Alex’s ship. The trio then shoved off towards the frozen north.

“...so Alex, how did you and ditzy meet?”

”it’s a long story...”

One long story later

”-and than she just grabbed the fucker’s head and smashed it into a glass table!”

“Wow...and ditzy, you’re telling me that the reason you have a lazy eye in the first place is-“

”so I can see an enemy coming from any direction”

“Holy shit. Ok yeah I guess that makes sense”

”oi captain! We are approaching the crystal kingdom and we will soon be at the castle”

”good job earl! Finally, it’s about time we give that basterd a proper greeting.”

“So...why did you need the box?”

”so I can call in a favour”

“Ok then”

”captain we have some of Celestia’s gaurds off the port side! What should we do?”

”...ignore them. We need to get to that cunt before he does anything bad to dinky”

“Speaking of which how did you have dinky anyway?”

”rape”

“WHAT IN THE FUCK?!”

”why do you think I’m after the prick? He was the one who did this”

“...ok then, remind me to punch him five more times than usual k?”

”trust me. I will”

The ship sat down beside the massive castle and Alex picked up the box and went inside. Half an hour later he returned...with a shit load of swat guys

“Dude how-“

”remember my old air soft team? Yeah. This is that team”

”Dude holy shit. So you weren’t just blowing smoke outta your ass.”

”ok guys I need that entryway secured. And one more thing?
Stealth is optional”

The team surrounded the side entrance and began kicking the door...and then this happened:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kdSsWqRwtZo

”ENTRANCE IS SUCURE!”

”nicely done! Ok stay here and gaurd our flank”

The three entered the big doors at the end of the hall, it seemed like they were in the servants quarters

They followed the large crystal hallway down to the wall and eventually found a room that led to some stairs...also spike and twilight.

”hi”

”uh do you know anything about a crystal heart?”

“Well other than the fact that it’s gone no.”

Ditzy suddenly dove down the stairs black ops 2 style and forced the group to follow suit. (Ie Alex grabbed Noah’s hand and dove down the staircase).

Alex and Noah were standing in front of a door. This was suspicious especially since Alex and Noah went from diving to standing in a second flat.

Suddenly the doors opened slowly. Like REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY

Within that room was Noah’s greatest fear as well as Alex’s, a bill Cosby spider. Both Alex and Noah walked out the other side wide-eyed and covered in blood.

“...this never happened”

And it never did.

The door had taken them to the throne room...right in front of the evil bastard himself

A look of recognition flashed on sombra’s face as he gave a scowl

”oh, it’s you”

”...”

Alex was grinding his teeth

”what’s wrong? Oh did my little experiment make a friend? How sweet.”

“...?”

”so why did you return to me? Oh I get it! You’re here for the brat aren’t you”

Alex was trying his hardest not to rush over to sombra and kick his shit in. He knew sombra would be prepared

Sombra slowly got up and walked towards Noah tilting his head in mock confusion

”oh? He is a lively...wait”

He suddenly stopped toying with Noah and began to size him up

”huh so you befriended a lich. So what?”

“What?”

Sombra took another look at Noah and before opening his mouth again Noah jabbed him in the eye and ran away laughing.

Sombra took a defensive stance and began charging his magic as the world grew darker. Alex took out his shovel and using the power of the mirror pool threw many shovels at sombra before charging forward. Suddenly Noah in shadow form fell from the roof and crushed sombra under his hammer. Noah then sidestepped as Alex stabbed at sombra with his shovel, his shovel skewered sombra’s neck and got stuck as Noah put his hand on Alex’s shoulder and imbued him with shadow energy.

Alex and Noah lifted sombra’s flailing and cursing body into the air as a large indoor thunderstorm brewed and struck sombra before Alex and Noah smashed him into the ground...taking sombra’s head clean off. Evil laughter surrounded the room as sombra’s body lifted into the air and his head reattached with his sly smile wiped off his face. Noah and Alex took their respective weapons and winded up

Then they ran him through

chapter 44: a forced hand

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 45: pumped up kicks

Author's Note

Noah has now been banned from writing “BAMBOOZLED AGAIN!” And now thanks to that fuck I have to kill yet another innocent...

GARY IS NOW UNABLE TO SEE ANYTHING BELOW A MEANWHILE SIGN OR ANYTHING FROM EQUESTRIA GIRLS

WHAT?!

HA GET FUCKD YOU CLECHE TWAT

chapter 45: pumped up kicks

Previously on bamboozled again:

“Let’s get krunk!”

”YEAH!”

...

”you bucking cheater!”

”*humming pirates of the Caribbean theme in the distance*”

“*SMASH*”

”did you just say the word smash out loud for no real reason?”

“No”

”*humming is much closer and increasing in volume*”

...

”oh fuck me ship!”

*smash*

”shit!”

...

”so I just kinda shot him”

Huh.

*starts playing lost woods theme on accordion*

“Wut”

”wut”

...

“Could you repeat that again John?”

”he has a dildo pen?”

“Ok let’s get him”

”Dude what does that even mean?”

“It means whatever you think it means John”

...

”aw. My little experiment made a friend-“

“BONK”

...

Fuck you Gary!

i I am you...so go fuck yourself

“You know what? I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and ask myself: would I go fuck myself? And the answer is always YES BECAUSE I AM ATTRACTIVE SO YES I WOULD FUCK MYSELF!

*slowly backs away*

Noah awoke in a dumpster with his head aching. He looked around and noticed he was sitting on someone’s back, he quickly lept out of the trash bin and found a dark skinned lady...only she wasn’t black. She was dark blue?

The lady slowly attempted to stand up only to stop and fall back down. Noah looked around and saw Alex on top of a gray lady with blond hair. Gavin was hanging from an alleyway balcony by his foot

”what happened?”

“?!”

”what’s wrong?”

She then noticed her hands and started screaming, this woke up Derpy and Alex and they also started screaming. And Gavin slept through it all.

This continued for several minutes until Gavin woke up and started asking questions.

”why am I upside down?”

“...I don’t know.”

”Noah what’s going on?!”

“Well you and Derpy are human now...I think? I don’t know”

”wait a minute...Ah shit. Noah. Remember Equestria girls?”

“Oh fuck”

”what’s wrong?”

“Well you have hands now, also apparently we are going back to high school”

Everyone sighed

“Ok let’s get this shit-show on the road I guess”

”so help me god if eathan is here...”

The group began looking for the school after a short break to teach nightmare and Derpy how to walk and also get Gavin down from the balcony.

”canterlot high?”

“Yep that’s the one I think”

”you think?”

“Honestly I couldn’t care less if this was the wrong school... but I see the fountain statue thing that twilight comes through”

”HEY WHY ARNT YOU IN SCHOOL?”

“Dude I’m an adult”

”DONT YOU LIE TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOUR TOO SHORT TO BE AN ADULT”

As the angry teacher said this Alex instinctively backed away from the scene

Things were about to get messy

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!”

”YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT!”

“I HAVE A FULL FUCKING BEARD YOU TWAT”

”DONT YOU TALK BACK TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT. AND ON THAT NOTE I BETTER SHAVE THAT THING. IT GOES AGAINST DRESS CODE!”

“I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!”

Alex and Gavin were holding Noah back at this point.

”THATS IT MISTER. I AM CALLING YOUR PARENTS”

“JOKES ON YOU THEY ARE IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE”

”Jacobs why are you yelling at our new custodial staff?”

”what?”

“All we came here to do was work on keeping this place clean.”

”what?”
”just roll with it”

”and how did you know about this?”

”simple. If I wrote this as poorly as I remember than we are going to be on easy street”

”wrote?”

“Some other time”

“So are we cleaning or nah?”

”...”

“SO ARE WE CLEANING OR NAH?”

”sorry it’s just that you kinda remind me of a local celebrity...who believe it or not is kinda...strange”

”in what way?”

”her and her friend are actually...well you know.a Pony?”

“What?”

Things just got complicated... well it’s time for John’s part. Oh well. At least Gary can’t see shit from our stuff now

chapter 46: dont poke a past bear. The future will regret it

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 47: lunch 11:20 is my favourite bible verse

Author's Note

“Having trouble in physical activitys? You don’t have to be fit to be the best at shot-put! all you need is the element of surprise and a voice that when screaming loud enough can shatter glass” - Boxcatgamr on getting good at any sport except jury duty

chapter 47: lunch 11:20 is my favourite bible verse

As the principal lead the group through the school they heard the familiar sound of hooves hitting marble...but no one was there when Noah checked

“Huh.”

”what?”

“Bamboozlement”

”ah ok that definitely helps”

”Dude what’s with the attitude?”

”it’s Equestria girls”

”and? What’s so bad about this place?”

Gavin had never seen Equestria girls.

The principal didn’t seem to notice the group had stopped and continued the tour without them.

A very cliche popular looking girl attempted to shove Alex out of the way

”move it scruffy.”

Instead of obliterating the teen Alex simply took on a thinking pose

”what’s wrong, drop out and disappoint your parents?”

”nah I was just wondering what was to come first.”

”care to explain?”

”what’s the plan for the month sunset? Are you going to fuck two retarded minors in your desperation to cling to your popularity first? Or are you just going to try and screw over an entire kingdom by stealing something you never deserved?”

Nevermind. He chose to obliterate the child. The teen sprinted out of the room crying (much to the amusement of someone behind a corner she turned)

”WOAH”

”Dude that was cruel! Where the hell did that come from?!”

“Equestria girls”

”that’s not an excuse!”

“Who said it was an excuse?”

”Alex that wasn’t a burn that was a fucking act of war!”

”Eh same thing really”

”I know right?”

Alex nodded and then looked to his left at the Pegasus. They both let out a quick yelp and both hit the other with a punch to the head effectively knocking both the mystery Unicorn and Alex unconscious.

“...huh”

”Woah Lightning you ok? What...oh...oh Damm”

The dressed up earth pony's jaw dropped at the same time as Noah’s. the pony than grabbed her friend galloped around the corner and apparently let out a noise unidentifiable by any means other than using a tornado chaser’s equipments to look at twisters-Wait doesn’t The company who owns that game also own-! OH SHI-

♬Copyright infringement♬

♬Copyright infringement♬

♬Copyright infringement yeah!♬

Ok dodged a bullet there. Thanks Pinky!

No proble-mo MR N-O!

Heh. I kinda like that...AHEM anyway...

So Noah picked Alex off the ground as Derpy prepared an emergency muffin for dire situations that is sure to wake anyone up regardless of if they want to or not: an English muffin and marmite. Alex sat up undertaker style and spat up the muffin with a look of disgust on his face the moment the marmite touched his face.

”the fuck was that?”

”marmite”

As Alex was woken up Noah decided to eavesdrop on the two new pony’s conversation around the corner.

”what the fuck was that?!”

”I don’t fucking know! All I know is that we turned a corner and suddenly ran into some of our OC’s?!”

“...”

”...he’s standing behind us isn’t he”

“Yes I am...so...”

“Why are you?”

”...did you both just ask the same question at the same time like in one of those-“

“Yes we did I guess.”

”...so Noah. What’s up?”

“Oh. Yooou knooow...stuff...”

”wait if he and the rest of them are here...wait moonlight are we on TV?”

“You wot?”

”...uh shit...”

”OI LIGHTENING! TIME TO MEET YOUR MAKER!”

Lightning took on a defensive pose as Alex casually walked up to the unicorn

”hi”

“Congrats lightening you have just met your maker! Gavin let’s see what she’s won!”

”an existential crisis”

“Ooh nice! I’ve had quite a few of those in the past few weeks!”

”what are you talking about?”

“Look let’s just make things easy and say that we are all someone’s OC”

”how the hell is that even possible?”

“By the power of a shitty plot device”

”...dude was that a horse pun?”

“Perhaps”

The principal returned

”oh! I see you have met our guests!”

“Indeed we have”

”well that’s nice.”

”...can we just continue the tour?”

”yes we can! Ok and now over here is where we show our school pride!”

The group followed the principal leaving the two pony’s behind

Alex suddenly stopped.

”wait...SOMEONE IS TOUCHING MY SHIP!”

“What?”

”how would you even know that?”

”I’m Dutch.”

”that doesn’t explain anything!”

”it explains enough”

Noah briefly checked John’s progress on his phone.

“Oh...well that explains that.”

”what?”

“John is using your ship...and eveyone forgot us...that evil conniving bastard.”

”John?”

“No wrong bastard”

”who?”

“Gary.”

”him? The fuck did he do?”

“Oh. He’s the reason we are stuck here-“

”say no more“

The principal led them to a closet that noah identified as a janitors closet

”and here is where your supplies for cleaning are! And staff is usually invited to most school events to chaperone.”

”unless they have work to do that is.” mrs.jacobs stated with a sly smirk

“And what does that mean?”

”well it means as janitors...you will clean up that mess!”

“...so? That’s literally our job”

The angry creature headed off towards the nearest source of misery and Diet Coke without any further explanation.

”...well ok then! Welcome! And hopefully I will see you all soon!”

As she left the two pony’s approached the group

”huh. Ok then. So what’s-
”wanna see my boat?”

Alex had a look on his face that just screamed: OOOOOOOOHHHHH. He had not even considered the idea that his OC might have had a boat

“Wait what? How did you even get it here?”

”same way Alex got his boat out of the bar.”

“With cannons?”

”no. Harpoons!”

Alex suddenly pulled over lightning and started whispering something into her ear. A moment later lightning made the same expression as Alex did earlier except she added that cute thing corgi’s do when they are happy. You know? That adorable thing with their front paws as they walk around? That happened.

Alex then pulled over Noah and said the same thing he said to lightning.

“Oh god YES!”

”what? What’s up?”

”let’s just say that when the Irish and the Dutch work together no one is safe!”

As it turned out lightning did the same thing with dusk and had the same results!

If twilight doesn’t come here soon...

There won’t be a school to go to

chapter 48: “murder” is just red rum spelled backwards

The group followed the two pony’s to a local park near the school. In that park was a massive ship similar to Alex’s.

”welcome aboard the debauchery”

“Glorious”

”I know”

The group all went onboard and looked in aw at the massive ship

” eh, I’ve seen bigger”

”but does your ship have a RUM ROOM?”

”yes”

”oh...”

As the group toured the debauchery it eventually dawned on them that Gavin was separated from the group

”wait where’s Gavin?”

”Gavin?”

”the other guy that was with us”

”...”

Laughter was heard near the ship and as everyone went to the top deck they saw Gavin talking to three girls... when dawn and lightning saw him they physically paled and began sweating. Noah seeing Gavin holding something threw down a shadow portal and jumped through. He appeared in a bush beside the girls with a cardboard box. He sincerely hoped things would be ok

”oh come on? What’s not to like?”

Gavin muttered something under his breath as one of the girls brushed against his pelvis. he clutched the object he was holding tightly

”oh you have been a bad boy-“

She was cut off when to the shock of eveyone present by the back of Gavin’s hand. The force used on the attack was powerful enough to throw the girl Into a backpedal as Gavin pressed a button on the device he was holding...

The sound of screeching tires followed the sound of...

DEJA VU

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile five minutes ago...

A man by the name of Justin had just finished watching an episode of dragon ball when suddenly a beeping sound was heard from his kitchen. He inspected the noise and realizing the severity of the situation grabbed a wooden katana off his wall and a trench coat as well. The unusually determined man kicked down the door to his apartment and he sped off to the Parking lot as he unlocked his car. The vehicle unleashed a roar as the car door set back down to reveal a special text embedded in the side: ”THOT PETROL すみません“the car sped off as it led him to a comically large cardboard box caking the outside of a tunnel...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile...

The box from earlier began to shake violently as the massive object blasted through the side and drifted stopping moments before it hit one of the girls...the doors blasted open, hitting the girl that stumbled backwards into it as the result of a backhand. The man in a trench coat slowly exited the vehicle

And then he spoke

”Sumimasen”

He threw the wooden katana like throwing knives and hit one of them directly in the head...before the katana broke on impact

”well I did all I could do.”

”this won’t be the last you’ve heard of the sirens you bru-“

Lightning and dawn’s fears were confirmed as Gavin cut her off with another backhand

”oh fuck it’s like venom all over again.”

Although Alex was interested in what his counterpart said he was more focused on Justin. Using his shovel as a pole Alex vaulted towards Justin and landed beside him glaring strongly as the sirens made their escape. Justin saw Alex than quickly returned the glare.

”brony”

”weaboo”

The two continued to grimace before they suddenly broke the stares and began laughing

”holy shit dude you seriously used that?”

”yep its actually my-“

...although Justin was cut off, this time it wasn’t from Gavin giving someone a backhand. The device Justin had began beeping again

”ah shit. Gotta go guys. Duty calls.”

”...and that is?”

”banishing thot’s”

Without another word he quickly left and went through the cardboard tunnel and blasted off again ending the meating just as quickly as it began.

”...I’m a little bit confused.”

“So am I”

”why are you confused?”

“I actually don’t know.”

”well that’s what bamboozlement is about isn’t it?”

“I have taught you well”

”...Noah I need you to keep an eye on Gavin for me.”

“Why”

”we don’t wanna lose him like we did venom. Long story short if he becomes a pimp we are absolutely screwed”

“...ok...why?”

Lightning winced

”...”

She quickly returned walked away with a huff and retreated to the captain’s quarters

”...she and Alex have a... problem of sorts. Talk to Alex about it.”

”talk to me about what?”

Alex had climbed back on board

”about what you should have told Noah mr mirror man”

Alex deadpanned and simply stared at dawn

”he deserves to know”

”just get the fuck out”

”JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH!”

”HE CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

“Uh...”

”fine then. Hey Noah-“

Things escalated as Alex tackled dawn and threw a punch. They began swinging at each other and while they exchanged blows noah went to the captains quarters for some answers

“Ok lightning. Can you explain exactly what the fuck dawn was talking about?”

”...fine.”

*SMASH*

”shit!”

”that’s my line you asshole!”

The two continued the brawl as lightning told Noah a story as the worlds smallest hurdy-gurdy played sad music in the background

And as all of this happened twilight just suddenly waltzed through the portal

chapter 49: about three minutes earlier

Craziness is all that can explain what has happened in the past while. It's been some time and many changes have happened. Me and Clyde tried to build a giant blue shell for some float karting. Pinkie found a way to clone herself and luckily instead of plastering the clones with a spell they just started to vanish when they started chanting Noah from me mentioning him. This confused most of every one.

Then later an Apple member came to visit and ended somehow where we learned that giving a float a v12 engine that clyde installed and I bought was a bad idea. Perfect in theory but as soon as it started up it we realized it wasn’t connected to anything. We got in trouble with twilight for not keeping an eye on the crusaders. I’m not complaining about sleeping on the couch though.

A nice magic performance came by but the girls had to ruin it since they weren’t impressed. We had to fight a Ursa major after that. I valiantly dealt with it and not just found were spike likes to hide when these things happen. I must say though he makes some really relaxing tea. Scoots went out to go camping with rainbow after this. While Clyde had to help me dig up a boat.

About 2 weeks later Celestia came down and asked for help reforming discord. Which lead to fluttershy reforming him mostly by herself. I helped her a bit and found him to be good guy… when he ain’t antagonizing you. Lovely tea party host though. Let's see what else of importance happened. Oh yea! Twilight became an alicorn from messing with a spell.

Which leads to current day. A very boring Summit. At the place that has been killing eyes. Anyways I’ve been sitting in the palace while this was going on. Clyde was around somewhere having to have gone and done something. Though it’s boring since not much has happened due to how late in the day we arrived.

Since I am still being confused for the others that have vanished I’ve taken up helping Clyde with his royal missions. Which is why I am currently wearing what I was wearing when I came through the box. I now stood out as a clothed monkey with an orange Hazard vest and name tag that apparently ponies can’t read. I am currently wishing I could go and get some sleep instead of walking in a hallway.

It was getting late into the night though and Clyde hasn’t come to get me yet. Which is more worse considering all I had was my taser and no light source. While walking down the hall towards the side of the castle the Girls are staying in I start to hear screams of theft.

I went was about to start running when a blackened shadow blindsided me. I fell straight down towards the ground. Making me learn the power of the crystalled floor and concussions.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mirror Room, Morning.

“I agree with Celestia on this. Twilight should go in there alone.”

“What do you mean by that aren’t you or Clyde coming with me?” I asked as I glared at John who was nursing his head with a block of ice wrapped in his orange vest that he always carried in a pocket.

“I mean I would like to go and help you, but I’d rather not be possibly turned into another species or change gender. I also have things to deal with and need to talk with Clyde. Hell as you said none of us even saw who took your crown besides the fact that it hit the mirror and went through.”

”I hate to admit it but I can see his logic and worry in that.

I just need to head through the portal and then go and retrieve my element. I Started walking through the portal with my clear goal set. I stepped trotting and looked back. My friends were all giving me reassuring smiles and Clyde was just finished talking to John while he waved walking out of the room. Celestia kept on a reassuring face while my little brother held his paws in his face.

Smiling back I turned and trotted into the portal……

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time later

Walking through the halls down towards the guest rooms. I was taking a scenic route that allowed me to see the Kingdom. Looking over it nothing seemed to be wrong. The weather was nice… well besides the dark cloud in the distance. The type that gives you an unsettling feeling.

Strange weather aside I hear a clatter further down the hall. Looking down it I see a one of Celestia's guards up ahead out of breath. He seems to have a scroll with something written on it with what looks like a royal seal. Walking up to him to help the poor lad onto his hooves. I thanked me and asked where Celestia was. I gave him directions and then he started to run off saying something about Blueblood taking over.

It was to late…. early…. whatever I need sleep. So I continued walking to the guest rooms. Right before I enter the room of my dreams a scream that sounded like Celestia rang through the castle. Blueblood gaining power….. Check. Me getting some sleep…. Possible.

Entering the room and walking straight to the bed. I had to stay up all night from the concussion otherwise I could apparently fallen into a coma or something. So seeing the bed has made my day. Laying down face first I start closing my eyes.

*BOOM!*

“Changelings!”

Damn you Gary!

chapter 50: salad for a psychopath

”you see Noah around twenty or so years ago there once was a very bad man-”

“Sombra? I assume he has something to do with this?”

”yes. He ended up wanting a lifeline of sorts if the whole emperor thing got him killed. It didn’t work and instead of creating a body...he created a clone.”

“...”

”after a bit sombra decided the best course of action was to simply abandon the clone...so naturally he chucked it as hard as he could through a portal he had been using to dispose of his rubish...and that portal lead to earth”

“...fuck...this is...fuck”

”by this point the clone was old enough to begin remembering things and as you can guess he knew what was happening was wrong. He had just enough time to screw what little progress sombra had made over by stealing an artifact with his magic on the way out”

“...”

”WHERE DID YOU GO!?”

Dusk snuck inside the room

”tag out”

”alright”

The jet black pony disappeared as dusk set down a lawn chair beside the massive throne-like captain’s chair

”CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS!”

”cannon’s are not actually that great”

”I CHANGED MY MIND LETS FUCKING GO-“

*smash*

”ok so basically from what I’ve gathered is that Alex grabbed an artifact that desguised him as a human and as a result of not taking it off in time it became permanent...on the outside. You can’t fool something that can’t think...like a mirror.”

“Ah”

*boom*

Noah stood up and simply walked out to see Alex and lightning brawling. Broken cannons and harpoons were littering the floor as the duo exchanged blows. Noah walked in between the two combatants and looked deeply into Alex’s eyes. The look on his face wasn’t one of sadness or rage but instead indifference. This somehow hurt a lot more than simply being screamed at.

Noah left the boat without a word and entered the school leaving Alex to his own thoughts. Only nightmare followed him...

”...shit”

”...it not the fact that you are what you are. It’s the fact that you lied to us that hurts”

”...I know this is a bad time but would it be ok if we come with you guys to Equestria?”

”ok”

”...”

”ITS ABOUT FOKEN TIME YOU SHOWD UP!”

”WHO ARE YOU?!”

”let’s just get this over with.”

”I’ll get the rope”

”Where am I?”

“A school... and why are you looking at me like that?”

”how did you know my name?”

“How did you meet Clyde?”

”Hey how did...wait how did I meet Clyde?”

“Well that would probably be because of me. After all. He is my shadow...kinda?”

”what?”

“Look. Things are screwy and according to my friend John things are going down in Equestria so we gotta go”

Sunset passed by the two shooting Noah a dirty look

“...all I know is that the element of magic is currently the top prize for the talent show so...yeah.”

”...what?”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25 minuets later

”we are doing that?”

“Yes. We are...don’t look at me like that it’s all I could think of!”

”and now by the request of the janitorial staff we are letting them take the stage and compete! Let’s welcome Gavin and Noah!”
“Ok let’s go”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4PPcnmO76rg

“♫Friut salad♫yummy yummy♫fruit salad♫yummy yummy♫fruit salad♫yummy yummy♫”

”♫yummy yummy yummy yummy fruit-♫“

Suddenly Gavin smirked as Alex and lightning kicked down the wooden backdrop to reveal an apocalyptic one behind it and a few trash fires

”♫I DID MY TIME♫AND I WANT OUT♫SO EFFUSIVE FADE♫IT DOSENT CUT THE SOUL IS NOT SO VIBRANT♫THE RECKONING♫THE SICKENING♫ PSEUDO-SACOSANT PERVERSION”

“♫The first step!♫”

”♫GO DRILL YOUR DESERTS♫GO DIG YOUR GRAVES♫

“♫The second step!♫”

”FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU WILL HAVE SAVED♫SINKING IN I GET SMALLER AGAIN IM DONE♫IT HAS BEGUN♫I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE♫

”♫and the rain will kill us all♫“

“Uh-huh”

”♫we throw ourselves against the wall♫and no one else can see♫The preservation of the martyr in me♫“

“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”

”There are cracks in the road we laid♫But where the temple fell♫ The secrets have gone mad♫This is nothing new♫But when we killed it all♫ The hate was all we had♫
“♫fruit salad♫”
♫Who needs another mess?♫
“♫Yummy yummy♫”
♫We could start over♫
♫Fruit salad♫”
♫Just look me in the eyes and say I'm wrong♫Now there's only emptiness♫Venomous, insipid♫ I think we're done, I'm not the only one

”♫and the rain will kill us all♫“

“Uh-huh”

”♫we throw ourselves against the wall♫and no one else can see♫The preservation of the martyr in me♫“

“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy yummy yummy fruit!♫”

“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Fruit salad♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Yummy yummy♫”

”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
“♫Fruit salad♫”
”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”
”♫PSYCHOSOCIAL♫”

The gym was silent and twilight who was beside the stage had her jaw on the floor

The group left the stage and went to the statue where sunset was gag’d and tied up with the element on her head

”Hey why is she-“

Alex had already thrown twilight through the portal as the rest of the group followed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------————Meanwhile

John was holding the crystal mirror and was sprinting away from the hoard of changlings as it began to shake. Suddenly Twilight,Noah,sunset,Gavin and Alex fell from the mirror alongside one pony he had never seen before. Before he could ask any questions the mirror began shaking violently as a massive object began to exit it. It was a massive ship naturally

“So John...what did we miss?”

”everything has gone to shit.”

“...what about Apple bloom”

”oh...shit”

”COULD SOMEPONY PLEASE EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT THE BUCK IS GOING ON?!”

“No. We got shit to do don’t we?”

”glad to have you back captain!”

“Oh and Alex?”

”yeah?”

“Don’t think your off the hook yet. We are going to get out there,go fuck shit up like we usually do and then we are going to have words you and I. Understand?
”yes”

“Good”

”uh Noah? You got a stowaway”

“Huh?”

”I said they could come”

“Ah. Well it’s fine then. Just be ready dusk.”

”why?”

A large group of changlings began to swarm the group as fire began to spread from nearby buildings to the trees

“Cause we’re in the thick of it now.”

Lightning smiled at this statement

Bonus content: bamboozled again green text version

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 52: off script

Noah, John and the changeling left his room and everything was frozen. John felt a sense of destress but not coming from him. From the changeling. John subconsciously began to comfort the changeling. It was a bit unnerving for John how he knew exactly how to comfort a changeling but he suppressed this feeling and focused on the matter at hand.

”ok. So what now?”

”well now is the part where we run away. We basically just need to get to the castle without anybody noticing. Our job is to simply make sure the ol prick Gary blows up.”

”and if he lives?”

”oh no he lived.”

”what?”

”I’m not gonna spoil it.”

”ok...I guess”

Time resumed and the trio began making their way to the group as they fought off other changelings. A quick scream was muffled in the distance. Thinking nothing of it John began throwing fists left and right in an attempt to stave off the attackers.

The trio finally returned to the group and decided to high-tail it out of there. As they all got on the debauchery John noticed something wrong and asked Noah a question.

”uh Noah? Where’s Gavin?”

Noah looked away in shame

”...Noah?”

”he’s gone John.”

”...oh”

A few tears escaped from his eyes and John decided to try something

”hey. Can you go and help me comfort him?”

”right away!”

John put a hand over the distraught man’s shoulder as the changeling approached him and offered a hug. Noah picked up the changeling and after a brief pause began hugging the changeling like a stuffed animal. Nightmare saw this and took note of how strange Noah was acting. He seemed more sad and somber than how he had been acting a little bit ago.

”...where’s Gavin?”

”he’s gone.”

Grief struck Alex’s face and he simply looked at the large army slowly fading in the distance. He simply climbed into a cannon and fired himself back into the army unleasheing a warcry. Derpy followed suit and as the sounds of battle began once again Noah realized the only thing holding him back from following them was John and the changeling.

”they’ll be fine. We gotta go man.”

Noah sniffed and nodded.

”that was hard to watch”

”yeah.”

”before we go to the castle I need to make a pit stop at ponyvill.”

”why?”

”I need to make sure everything is all right”

”aight. Lightning let’s go to ponyvill then.”

She nodded and began steering the ship towards ponyvill.

Cantorlot has fallen

John looked at the changeling and realized that when he asked him to comfort Noah he hadn’t actually said a word.

”ok. I have some questions. How did we just talk a moment ago?””

”well to put it bluntly when you hit me with that device and shocked me you broke my link to the hive. Unfortunately changelings that are not removed slowly from the hive mind have a tendency to...well die shortly afterward.”

”ok. But why can I talk to you using my thoughts?”

”well that’s because I decided to link with you to save myself...”

The changeling scratched the back of his head embarrassed

”oh. Well I guess that make sense- wait what?”

”I linked with you. Think of it like...changeling initiation”

”what’s that mean? I’m part changeling or something?”

”well it means that on the outside physically nothing has changed. But on the inside...well your brain is a bit of a different story. In the end this is something unique to us and us alone.”

”huh. Well ok than I guess. What’s your name?”

”it’s tempo“

”huh. Neat”

”OW-oh shit”

”what? What’s up?”

John and the changeling looked over at Noah as he approached with a wooden spoon and a note attached. The changeling stood in front of John protectively as he drew closer time stopped again.

”ok so I guess a certain someone is stalling for time.”

”what?”

“Could you just do it please?”

The young Noah appeared again

”are you fucking seriously doing this?”

“Yes! I need more time!”

”what?”

”well he wants us to go to my family reunion with nightmare”

”you what?”

“You can come too!”

”Dude it’s a family reunion and as much as I consider him family that ain’t going to cut it. And why is nightmare coming?”

“Uh...comedic relief?”

”Dude. Why?”

“...I need a high word count?”

Noah gave him an unamused look

“...shipping?”

Noah attempted to slap Noah but missed Noah because Noah wasn’t actually there

“Look your going and that’s final.”

”screw it. I’ll come.”

”it’s not like I have a choice now. Besides. If my me-maw threw this spoon than they will just keep coming.”

”really?”

“Oh yeah. She’s a bloody sniper with those things.”

Both Noah’s nodded to this fact.

”all right. Let’s get this over with.”

Time resumed and Noah went over to nightmare and explained what was going on.

”wait what?”

”we gotta go to my family reunion.”

”oh shit. That’s what’s going on?”

”what are they talking about”

”Noah needs to go to a family reunion”

”why?”

”why not?”

Nightmare was strangely ok with this

”I just hope they got my letters.”

”letters?”

”well what do you think I do in between chapters when I’m not being used like a puppet?”

”oh...”

”ok you know what? Fuck it. I’m bringing Scootaloo and Clyde”

”why?”

”it’s been a while since I’ve seen Clyde and as for Scootaloo she’s still my daughter. She might as well see her uncles and grandpas”

”uncles?”

”yep. Well two out of four uncles is better than nothing.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Twenty minutes later: earth

”um is this really the best idea Noah?”

”nope. Let’s go”

Scootaloo bagan bouncing around eager to meet the rest of her family for the first time and John simply felt out of place here. The changeling nudged John and snapped him out of his day dream

”come on Dad let’s go! I wanna see if I have any cousins!”

Noah chuckled. He never thought he would reach the point in his life where he could do something like this.

chapter 53: F is for famil-FUCK OW SPLINTER AAAAAHHHHH!

”ok now before we go and introduce ourselves I need to explain to my family exactly what’s been going on.”

”ok!”

Scootaloo was practically bouncing around in excitement and nightmare looked at the house with curiosity. Noah covered his shadowy hand with his sleeve and entered the house and after a few moments of silence Noah returned looking somewhat nervous.

”alright. Y’all ready?”

The group nodded and began making their way into the house.

”oh my god.”

”(sigh) believe me now?”

Noah uncovered his hand to the surprise of everyone present. The room went silent and John began to look around. He saw a bulky man in a leather jacket, an elderly woman and an elderly man,

”hey Jake where is everyone?”

”sick. They uh came down with the flu pretty bad”

”...how bad?”

”they can’t get out of bed. Apparently America got it so bad in some place called “lazy pines” that apparently they have the town on lockdown”

Noah pails a bit after hearing this news. Noah looked at his brother’s hair and spotted a very red strip of hair on his head.

”shit”

”so...uh what’s with the uh...”

”pony’s”

”yeah.”

”well believe it or not-“

”oh I think we’ll believe you”

”...this is my daughter: Scootaloo.”

”hi!”

Jake looked at Noah and Scootaloo in surprise as she talked.

”ok then. So uh where did you adopt her from?”

”adopt?”

”...I’m sorry what?”

”oh no she isn’t adopted. Apparently after we did a few tests...well it turned out she was my daughter.”

”Dude you said that you and that one girl you were with left because-“

”she was a fucking liar who used me for entertainment!”

Scootaloo looked at Noah cautiously

”...who was she?”

”I don’t want to talk about it”

”well how did you two meet?”

”well let’s just say that my flirtatious relationship with death escalated quite a bit”

John interjected

”wait are you really saying that-“

”yes I literally told death to fuck itself. It took two to tango and boom”

”how?”

”well it’s not like I knew it was death at the time! I thought what we had was special!”

”s-so I’m...”

”(sigh) yes. Your the daughter of the ol’ pale horse herself and a Canadian. So eh it balances out”

Noah shrugged

”...”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Scootaloo began pondering what being the daughter of a “canadian” meant

”...so...huh. My name is John, pleased to meet you.”

”I’m Jakob”

”nice to meet you”

”same. Who’s that behind you?”

”...”

”his name is tempo”

John felt that tempo was somewhat afraid of the man who in comparison to the humans of the group was absolutely massive in height and strength. Tempo hid behind John’s legs like a scared foal. Jakob chuckled a bit at the reaction.

”so anyway what’s up with you Noah?”

”oh nothing much. Fighting wars kicking shit up.”

Jakob looked slightly distressed

”hey Dad can I go play outside?”

”sure. Just don’t play in the streets. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

”thanks Dad!”

As Scootaloo left the building Jakob pulled Noah into a different room

”I’m sorry you’re doing what?”

”fighting?”

”why the hell would you do that?”

”why not?”

”you could get killed!”

”wouldn’t be the first time”

”what was that?”

”nothing”

John entered the room with nightmare and tempo

”Noah we got a problem!”

”what?”

”some weird white thing full of people is trying to catch Scootaloo!”

”SHIT”

To Jakob’s surprise Noah and the others were sprinting out of the door at a pace he could bearaly keep up with. When he made it outside he saw the van and a strange man wearing a hat chasing Scootaloo. The man grabbed her and jumped into the van losing the hat he had on. To Jakob’s shock underneath was a very blue head of hair and a pair of horse ears. The van began trying to speed off when suddenly...

”Nightmare!”

”I’m on it”

A chained weapon appeared and quickly sunk into the back of the van. Nightmare strained as she pulled the chain back with her magic as Noah joined her and grabbed the chain as the van kept on moving. Noah’s Armor appeared and began slowing down the van as John grabbed the other side of the chain and began pulling as tempo bit down on the chain and tried flying backwards. The backdoor the chain was attached to was ripped off its hinges to Noah’s horror and the van began to make its way towards the park.

”FUCK”

”come on!”

Nightmare took to the air as Noah grabbed her front hooves and spead towards the van gaining ground. They caught up to the van and nightmare threw Noah onto the roof of the van and quickly went inside the entrance that once was a backdoor. Noah landed inside and quickly grabbed Scootaloo who was tied up with a muzzle on her face. Noah gave Nightmare Scootaloo as he heard the sound of a gun being fired. Noah’s Armor protected him as he leapt our of the van and landed somewhat gracefully as the van spead off. The three began heading back to the house as Noah untied and un-muzzled Scootaloo.
Noah’s Armor went away and to his relief he was not hurt from the gun.

”ok I know it was nice to see you again jake but honestly I think it’s time we go back to Equestria.”

”yes please”

”...”

The portal appeared and Scootaloo eagerly went through it as John and tempo followed.

”hey Noah?”

”yeah jake?”

”good luck out there”

”thanks man”

The brothers hugged it out and nightmare smirked. A faint noise began to come from the portal as Scootaloo screamed. Noah quickly turned and ran to the portal...only to get drive-by shot by the driver of the van. Nightmare screamed as Noah stumbled into the portal and nightmare quickly followed.

The ship was plowing into the land and began sinking into the everfree forest as changelings swarmed the ship. Noah, weakened by the hole in his chest was quickly sedated as changelings carried him off. Tempo improvised and carried an unconscious John with another changeling until they were out of sight. Tempo, wrenching John out of the other Changling’s grasp quickly booted the drone in the head knocking him out. Tempo carried John down to the forest and hid him in a tree watching the ship fall into the massive moat and sink like a rock

no one will remember anything

chapter 54: closing the loop

Author's Note

Lish

chapter 54: closing the loop

The sky was starting to darken. I would have started to fear if not for the connection still existing. Though it has only been serving at putting me to ease. It should be fine to move now.

Time has come by slow for the changeling. He waited and watched as many changelings came and went the past few hours. They seemed to be looking for them or something from where the ship has crashed. Though the patrols seemed to thin out and mostly disperse by now.

Tempo grabbed hold of John and swiftly brought him down to the ground into the cover of foliage next to the tree. He know from when he used to be connected with the… king. That they would still linger for a while longer.

Tempo didn't have to wait long though for John to start stirring. He moaned while he stated to push up and backwards onto the tree. “Damn what happened.”

“Ah your awake. Well we were attacked and you were rendered unconscious. We're not far from where it had happened and you might still habe some side effects so just wait.”

John sat against the tree to rest a few minutes. Once ready he shifted to a crouch. Tempo just shifted his position and know where John wanted to go. He relayed the direction he saw it in and the two went to move out to it.

The conversations between us were short. Though this is contributed to how thoughts are processed faster than speech. We started moving but got held up while going past a large ass moat.

A large group of changelings were walking around the moat. So we forced ourselves down and I had tempo move up to spread us out. When they came by a singular slimmer looking changeling that I felt was female separated from the group. She walked over towards the edge of the forest a few feet from me. This changeling also seemed to be lightly armored.

While we could have snuck around this one it would have been much trouble. I'm not the best when it came to sneaking but wasn't willing to test my luck. Since my skill only worked in a crowd… of technicolor ponies… not even the same height…. No wait it's just that I'm not the focus and not mentioned most of the time. Anyways she was too close for my comfort. Like this was some form of top down strategic resistance from aliens game comfort, except without being able to run 100ft with 250 pounds of equipment and a minigun.

Tempo already know what I wanted to do. He stepped out of the foliage behind the other her at a distance. While he drew the changelings attention a moved subtly out of my closer position and wrapped an arm around the changelings windpipe. I also shoved my arm into her fanged mouth and grabbed her horn to hopefully stop them from calling for help. If it needed to be done through the horn.

They went down though but were still alive. My arm from doing this was cut open like a cat scratch. Tempo came over with a slight blush on his black exoskeleton somehow. I shot him a small glare then rolled my eyes. He looked away and started watching for any patrols as I pulled the changeling with me over into the forest. “Do you think the other changelings know?”

“I’m sure she didn't get off any messages. Though if she did we should have been swarmed by now. Unless… no the king wouldn't change tactics. If she had then… well, we wouldn’t be standing here. I can’t be entirely sure anymore though since things could have changed.” The changleing mumbled the last part to himself.

“If we’re lucky Murphy would somehow make them like you. But as I see it only electricity and physically having their horn tap you can do that. I am still getting used to fully hearing you in my head. Now let's get going while we're covered in honey.”

Leaving the unconscious changeling in the bushes we pushed into the forest. We didn't get far when we came across another patrol of just two changelings. This two seemed ablivious though annld we were able to go around them. Best not to leave a trail of bodies. We came across a few more patrols like this but they seemed to be looking out for the wildlife. This being obvious when we came across a single changeling flying away from manticore that seemed to have some 5 star gourmet sticking out.

After that we didn't run into anymore more changelings. After 15 minutes it wasn't far to the castle. All that stood in the way was a rickety looking bridge. Instead of taking chance on life over this bridge Tempo carried me over. After landing tempo kept watch behind us as I walked over to the closest door. I looked behind me at Tempo and the the land around us. Seeing nothing I pushed the door in and took a few steps into the old castle.

As John and tempo entered the castle he saw a very big room absolutely swarming with changelings tempo quietly emitted a noise that seemed to be some sort of swear. Suddenly Luna came crashing into the room from a window holding the elements of harmony and quickly sped into the throne room.

A faint ripping sound was heard and suddenly Luna was thrown back into the large room as an all out brawl commenced between the changelings and Luna. A stray shot of magic split open a nearby cocoon and out popped Clyde. He quickly jumped into a shadow portal and reappeared behind John and tempo before grabbing them and jumping back in. They reappeared on a balcony above the throne that appeared to be a place for a council of Pegasi. Before they could ask questions Clyde pointed towards the massive pile of trash beside the throne and hiding behind it was Noah tightly clutching what looked like a large tank of propane. The group was too far away from Gary to hear what he was saying to the mane six as he taunted them. John looked at the entrance to the throne room and saw another Noah taking aim at Gary with a Remington. John could only watch in horror as the Noah behind the trash pile suddenly sprang off of the trash pile and thanks to the past Noah’s poor aim was shot causing a massive explosion...

And then everything went dark

Sequel

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

chapter 25: the prodigy and the return to harmony (or whatever that episode was called) part one

A few weeks passed by and twilight got used to nightmare and me and scootaloo living with them and I taught nightmare a special lesson about emotions. And since she has some memories from Luna she is actually quite knowledgeable about equestria. I woke up and walked with scootaloo to school early because she said she was having a field-trip to canterlot (in case of nobles it's also cancer-lot) and I decided to give the whole chaperone thing a go

"Bye scootaloo! I will see you at the station. Just try not to destroy tiara too badly!"

She nodded and went into the school house as I traveled to the station. And played around with my armour a bit...

"On! Off! On! Off! LIFE DEATH LIFE DEATH LIFEDEATHLIFEDEATHLIFE-"

"hi!"

The class stopped when they saw me clad in my armour.

"...uh off?"

The armour dissapeard and the class was amazed

"Sorry bout that."

"...Come on class let's go before we miss the train"

We got on the train and the kids bombarded me with questions of which I answered the basics and nothing else.
Tiara was even more afraid of me now. GOOD

We arrived at the station and after two weeks of hiding it the truth finally came out to the public.

"I'm a bit confused Noah. How did'ja get so close with Scootaloo?"

"Well we are family."

Apple bloom tilted her head

"Uh Scootaloo you wanna tell them?"

"ok. He's my dad!"

Everything stopped and everyone looked at us. Hell i'm pretty sure the train stopped. A long silence followed

"Uh look il try to explain when we get back from the trip because I am pretty sure this will take too long to say it here."

The teacher nodded and went back to stating facts about canterlot and after that I zoned out. I snapped out of it when we approached a statue of something. The class had left and the statue smirked. I walked in front of the statue. I knew what was going to happen and I wanted to let him know my feelings and a bit of the future.

"If at any point you wish to switch sides call me up! Also I assume you already know what's going to happen. So..."

I stuffed the muffin I had in the statue's open mouth and as soon as it made contact it turned to stone. A sqwee-ing sound could be heard in the distance.

"Enjoy my friend. You can also call me up when the chocolate rain starts."

A large crack appeared on the statue.

"Oh damm. Ease up dude. You won't be due for an hour at least!"

It stopped. And he gave me a thumbs up not trying to hide it.

"Bye now"

I left and went back to the train then I spent the hour talking to the class about my armour and how I know nothing about it other then it looked cool. Eventually we returned to the school. And I went to the treehouse without scootaloo because she was going with her friends.

I got back to the library

"no time! We need to go to canterlot."

"GOD DAMMIT I WAS JUST THERE!"

"let's go then. If it's what I think it is we need to go now"

"Screw it I will see you at the station."

I walked ALL the way back to the station waiting for them to arrive. And eventually the rest of the mane six arrived

"Where is nightmare?"

"she stayed behind. Said she wasn't ready for Luna yet"

"You know what? Screw the train."

"but we have no time!"

"hum?-oh right"

He threw down a shadow portal and we all entered, some more hesitantly then others.

"Ok let's go"

Me and Clyde made our armour appear and our weapons as well

They talked to the princesses and I kept a look out for discord when suddenly-

"-but that doesn't make any sense!"

"sense? What fun is there in making sense?"

"OH HE SAID THE THING! NOW THINGS ARE HAPPENING!"

"Did you miss me, Celestia? I missed you. It's quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn't know that, would you, because I don't turn ponies into stone."

"Enough! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?"

"Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while. "

"you won't get away with this discord!"

"Oh, I'd forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It's really quite boring."

"Hey! Nopony insults the Princess!"

She flew into a stained glass window that surprisingly didn't shatter on the impact.

"Oh, you must be Rainbow Dash, famed for her loyalty, the Element of Harmony you represent."

"That's right! I'll always be loyal to the Princess!"

"We'll see about that."

"I can't believe we're wasting our time talking to a tacky window."

"The beautiful Rarity, representing the element of generosity, if I'm not mistaken?"

"So you know who we are, big deal."

"Oh, I know much more than that, honest Applejack."

"what colour is Clyde's underwear?

"trick question, he isn't wearing any"

We all slowly turned towards Clyde.

"...Clyde?"

He hesitated and then nodded, twilight gave a heavy blush but shook it off

"Ew..."

"You seem to know our strengths too."

She Changed the subject.

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle, and yours is the most powerful and elusive element, magic. Fluttershy's is kindness and Pinkie Pie's is a personal favorite of mine - laughter."

He and pinky chuckled

"and then we have you... Terribly sorry but I never got a name"

"I doubt that"

"correct Noah! Give the boy a star!"

Suddenly a star sticker appeared on my armour, it read: there was an attempt

"Nice"

"thanks for the muffin by the way. But what exactly is it you do?"

"I have no fucking clue. I'm just the guy who says really dumb things to confuse people so I can do stuff"

"oh I like you. Oh and thanks for the visit! It gets dreadfully boring without some company you know."

"No problem man."

" Stop stalling, Discord! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?"

"Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really? Fine, I'll tell you, but I'll only tell you my way. To retrieve your missing Elements, just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began"

"...Can we go home now?"

"What do you reckon he meant? Twists and turns and ending back where we started?"

"Twists and turns... twists and turns... twists and turns! That's it! I bet Discord hid the Elements in the palace labyrinth!"

"Good luck, my little ponies. The fate of Equestria is in your hooves."

"Aw."

"that includes you guardian"

"Nice"

"no it doesn't. That would be cheating."

"Eh it's not cheating. More like a bonus or something."

He thought on it then gave a big toothy grin.

"ok then but if you go with them..."

Suddenly my and Clyde's armour dissapeard

"...then you will follow the rules as well so no magic."

I made my armour appear and Clyde did also.

"Who said it was magic?"

"ooh this will be so much fun...but now the elements arnt the only things you need to find. If you brought an extra then so will i! They will be in the maze and you must find them as well!"

He dropped three photos of three different ponys...the crusaders.

No more fucking around.

"I wonder how I'll look in black and white? Eh whatever"

Discord stopped and turned towards me as I smiled...menicingly

"Let the games begin...friend"

ACT SIX chapter 51: Loss

Previously on bamboozled again!

IshotaboxgotinterruptedbyabugthingwenttoEquestriaMetthesixshotbugguymetmyshadowkickdsomeasssavedaweddingSTOPPEDANEVILOVERLORDWENTTOTHATEQUESTRIAGIRLSUNIVERSEMETMYOCANDDESCOVERDIMHEROCFOUNDOUTMYFRIENDWASSECRETLYACLONEOFTHEEVILOVERLORDFROMEARLIERSANGPSCHOSALADRETURNEDTOREGULEREQUESTRIAANDMYNIPPLESAREHARD!

The swarm of changlings began closing in on the group as they prepared for a fight

“Huh so I guess this I the first time we’ve ever been fighting together?”

”I guess...”

A changling broke formation and sprung towards the group swinging wildly. John instinctively punched the changeling and to his supprise the bug burst into a green flame

”how did you know it was a fake?”

”what?”

“She doesn’t know we don’t see the illusion”

”ah”

The swarm moved closer and began to close the gap

Noah put on his armour and equipped his hammer as John pulled out his taser. A line of changelings sprinted forward and cut Noah and John off from the group in an attempt to overwhelm them.

Noah took aim and swung his hammer hitting a few changlings as John rammed the front of his taser into one unlucky changeling who was shockd from the inside out. The rest of the changelings in the wall jumped forward and began to ram into Noah.

Noah fell down and hit the ground as a changeling began pounding on his armour. One of the changelings tripped up and was quickly punted into a group of changelings by John. Noah managed to get the changeling off him and he threw it into the crowd. A changeling slapped the taser out of John’s hand and gave him a gut punch.

The changeling John had tased began to get back up and look around confused. It saw a large amount of its brethren attacking two creatures with wild abandon. The changeling remembered the creature that had shocked him with the strange device and noticed that for the first time in a long time he had stopped receiving orders from the king...in fact he seemed to be completely severed from the original hive mind.

This was bad.

He was somewhat glad that he had been freed. He even remembered that he was a “he”! However if he wanted to continue living he would need to form a link with somepony...anypony in fact. The changeling looked at the creature as the device out of his grasp was shattered by another changeling’s hoof

He couldn’t think of anyone better to link with.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile...

Alex had been slugging changelings left and right as lightning began casually electrocuting some of the changelings when Alex had gotten an idea. A large sadistic grin began to spread over his face as he approached lightning...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile

John was running away from a changeling that kicked his taser away. He had ran until he had spotted a building in the distance. Seeing no other option John ran inside and closed the door. The room he was in was covered in a thick layer of dust. John looked for anything he could use and in his scavenging he found the decapitated body of a changeling in heavy armour. The head was caved in and from the looks of it, it had been a tough struggle for whoever lived here. John looked at the shelf above the body and found to his surprise a crossbow and seven bolts. The door began taking hits from the changeling as John began loading the crossbow. The changeling broke through and knocked John to the ground. The changeling had been shoved by another changeling that John recognized by the burn mark on his head.

To John’s confusion the one changeling he tased began to fight the one that had chased him. John finally loaded the crossbow as the one changeling who saved him was pinned to the wall and was being strangled. John made his decision and took aim.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile

Noah was all alone and fighting the changeling hoard as he made his way to the building John had retreated to. Maniacal laughter filled the air and as Noah found the source he discovered Alex holding lightning up like a cat as electricity burst from her hooves.

”UNLIMITED POWER AHAHAHA!”

He used lightning to emperor palpatene (or however the fuck you spell that) the fuck out of the changelings. Noah continued his path to the building and eventually got close enough to see the front door...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile

The crossbow bolt had pinned the body of the changeling to to wall in a grotesque fashion. The other changeling trotted over to John and to his confusion knelt down in front of John as his horn began glowing. John’s head felt strange as he began to hear a faint voice. He looked at the changeling as it...no he introduced himself. John didn’t know how he knew the changelings gender. It was more of a gut feeling than anything. John heard footsteps and turned around to see Noah standing in the entryway to the room. John looked outside and saw everything had frozen in place.

”...so...hi”

”uh hi?”

”let me just explain what happened. So basically I now remember the story...in fact. I also remember why everyone didn’t know me when I first arrived. I wrote it that way John.”

”ok...”

”John. I don’t think you are getting it. It’s me. The author. Basically something bad happened-er happens after I finish the story.and well...let’s just say that apparently I have my work cut out for me. “

”what?”

”it’s up to us to fix this. Well...us and that friend of yours.”

”huh?”

John looked around and saw the changeling still moving around. Looking curiously at the humans

”well I think that he is now just as real as we are”

”?”

”stopping time in the story only works on those who are hardwired into the story. Since you were there fighting with me I didn’t go down in that fight and as a result I desynchronized or something...to put it bluntly we now have an infinite line of Noah’s creating there own fate. The one up writing the action is the next in line. And thanks to what I did when I was the author he did the same thing and now we’re talking in person.”

“He’s right.”

John looked to the left on the broken bed sat a computer with a younger Noah’s face on it

“I’m apparently next in line to get my ass handed to me.”

”oh and you might wanna move the laptop onto the desk.”

“What? Why?”

”shits about to go down.”

“What?”

Suddenly the feed cut out leaving the three in the dark.

”so...what now?”

”what happens now is that get eveyone and go to the castle of the two sisters. Oh and that I give you the hartiest handshake you’ve ever seen.”

Noah did just that.

ACT ONE chapter 1: confusion at its finest

Author's Note

dickering and wit are the two starting points of bamboozlement

ACT ONE chapter 1: confusion at its finest

Hello if you are reading this you are making a glorious contribution to science.
I'm Noah and I will be your guide to my own wonderful legacy of bamboozlement and luck for a complete accident that ended a war and saved a world of tiny equine creatures known more commonly as ponys.
Let's wind this back up a bit to before that fateful night that my dreams and memes saved equestria.

It was a regular Saturday evening for me as I scoured the junkyard for parts. my homemade shooting range needed more targets and I had found a few other parts that I basically just took. Me and the owner of the yard were actually surprisingly close friends. I have a ideology about countries I use the best stereotypes and other attributes and give them to a country. As it turns out he was French and he loved my statement about the French basically having the most hardcore medics of all time (in my opinion) and somehow we ended up getting a few drinks and now he's my man for building things. Anyway he gives me access to the yard and so there I was collecting garbage for the great honour of being shot by a gun.
I got back to my training station and I unloaded the parts and shot them down with skill (missing and hitting it with a well timed expert super ultra light shove) I put down the big cube that was filled with a dark green substance that I concluded was probably the result of a failed attempt at making drugs, after setting it down I took inventory Ten rounds. But for what? I will tell you!

I had gotten lucky with a sale and got a classic Remington that I lovingly customized with a nice shiny blue coat of paint and a suppressor, I named this beauty after a character from a tv show that I watch called my little pony. And so I chose this name to represent the hero that no one expected and never saw again. A brave soul who made a choice that in the grand scheme of the episode didn't do much yet changed everything. And so I dubbed it... the S-T-V magnet. Yes I get it it's not what you expected but I really don't care so anyway, I took aim and *pop*. miss, I was about to unleash a whole new brand of hell on the cube until suddenly i ran into a cobweb and ~~swatted frantically~~ calmly removed it from my face and then right in front of me a green ball suddenly appeared and grew in size until it was about the size of a small doorway. It seamed like this just got a bit more Intriguing

chapter 2: the bug bitch lich meets the power of propane and propane accessories

Do you know what it's like to be in control of a situation so well that things can't go wrong?
Murphy's law states if it can go wrong it will yet here I am. Do you know why? I don't ether.
Anyway I was standing there with the S-T-V magnet and cube ripe for the shooting and then the universe decides to do me a bamboozle. You know how hindsight is 20/20? Bamboozlement is 40/40 and to be a master of bamboozlement you must also be bamboozled yourself Sometimes. Anyway point is that a green thing had a bug thing step out of it. And I know what you are thinking "ermegerd is ~~crysly crisa FUCK~~ bug thing that was in the show" this was a different one and it was more decked out then a diners drive-ins and dives 4 star buffet. Really the only other thing is that it was talking about some world domination stuff that I tuned out, by the time I snapped out of it I heard the end of villain monologue #338 complete with a evil laugh and I was content to just shoot it then and there but something got in my way spiders ugh I'm not even going to try and play this off. I was flailing around swatting at the spider when I screwed it up and shot S-T-V magnet by mistake and this left the bug thing shook, if you ever looked up the definition of true terror you wouldn't find the bugs picture, you would just find that one kid from home alone as usual.
There were no words as she hi-tailed out of there faster then speedy Gonzalez on meth, and I'm not talking about that week shit, I'm talking probably-gonna-die-after meth, yes indeed so she left yet portal was still there so I investigated my side of the thing and saw... Green just green and it looked worse then... Actually I got nothing, it's not that bad looking just weird, so I heard voices etc and only got the end of the conversation (fucking spiders man)

"-yeah I heard about that too dude! That's crazy that they are going for a last stand at the castle of the two sisters" the unknown voice said sarcastically

That was all I needed to steep through the door and despite the appearance it was just like walking through a regular door
Unfortunately as I discovered the portal was over one of the last standing city's cloudsdale? So I guess I fell? I got lucky and only spooked the locals by suddenly existing and dropping from the sky, the only reason the city was safe was because it was moved away from the bigger city's hiding just outside of ponyvill, so after the spontaneous dip in the pool I explored the town for about an hour thanks to my poor sense of direction and I only encountered one pony, and even that was brief
Since she ran like hell at the sight of me.

so as it turns out I had gotten incredibly lucky since the bug thing's army was patrolling the town and missed me by a hair, so I trekked into the forest that was really calm and peaceful (later I would discover that some of the bug guys followed me and distracted a manticore and stuff by screaming and stuff) and I came across the river of the legend Steve magnet, I just kinda stepped over it, and then the rope bridge is where things got dicey there was a single guard on the other end of the bridge facing away from me so I took the opportunity to practice for the upcoming wwe table match and I then discovered that the changeling was super light, still didn't stop it from falling into the pit.

I got to the door and inside I saw bodies of changelings everywhere, at the end of the hall I saw a rather grisly sight, one princess of the night was incapacitated and bleeding blood, her fur was grey and she was looking pretty bad.
She was muttering the words save them over and over again, I made my choice and opened the door to see the elements in all there glory and a significantly more evil looking bug thing finishing the last of I-GOT-YOU-NOW monologue #12
And instead of waiting for her to finish I just kinda took aim and Then KRAKOOM!...
I didn't expect her to be a hoarder of junk. And among that was a tank of propane.
As she was engulfed by the fiery explosion I only said one thing as the ponys finally paid attention to me:

"I didn't expect to actually get her"
I've been bamboozled