"This child is making noise and frankly I find it unpleasant."
Author's Note
Writers against humanity… apparently.
"This child is making noise and frankly I find it unpleasant."
It was a beautiful day in Equestria: the sun was white and the sky was green.
Meanwhile, this was one perpetually perplexing predicament that Princess Celestia found herself in.
“I’m telling you, Celestia!” Cadance shouted, visibly shaken from the proceedings. “Flurry Heart is my child!”
Celestia looked down from her throne at the troubled mare. “Cadance, I understand how you feel, but—”
“No!” The other mare shouted, one by the name of Fleur de Lis. “She’s my baby!”
Celestia looked at the two mares before her, and the baby in the carriage beneath them. She knew that Flurry Heart belonged to one of them, but for the life of her she couldn’t remember which one. She held more resemblance to Fleur de Lis, but Cadance seems more saddened by the situation...
‘Twas a sad situation indeed.
Luckily, she had a plan. One she learned from an old fairy tale she read in the past. A fairy tale full of make-believe characters and nothing more.
“Ladies! I have come to a conclusion on how to solve this situation!”
Cadance and Fleur both cast their gazes upon Princess Celestia, waiting with extreme tension.
“Since neither of you can decide who the baby belongs to, we shall come to a compromise.”
“What compromise would that be?” Cadance asked, eyes widening.
Celestia smiled warmly. “We shall cut the baby in two, right down the center, so each of you will get a piece of her to take home.”
The Princess of the Sun watched the look of shock roll off their faces. This will surely reveal the true mother of the filly. One of them would cave, revealing the true answer.
“Eh, that works for me,” Cadance said with a shrug. “You okay with it, Fleur?”
Fleur nodded. “Makes sense to me. Thank you for your judgement, Princess.”
Celestia facehoofed with the force of a really heavy object. This wasn’t exactly what she pictured happening, but an odd resolution was better than no resolution. Either way, she’d be getting her coffee soon and that was the real blessing.
“Very well!” Princess Celesta stood up. “The baby shall be cut in two, down the middle, and you both will get half. I would suspect neither of you have your own baby-slicing utensils?”
They both shook their heads. “No ma’am.”
“I see,” Celestia said, rubbing her chin with great ferocity. “Well, I’m not sure what I have on hoof, here. Let me see...” She levitated over that one drawer we all have in our house with useless junk in it. “Well, we don’t have much to work with, here. I’ve got a dull door stop, a pair of hoof-nail clippers and an unsharpened pencil.” She used her magic to toss the items down. “Go wild.”
“I thank you for your swift, fair and calculating judgement, oh wise Celestia,” Fleur said with a bow. With haste, she made her way to Celestia’s drawer. “May I have the first move?”
Cadance shrugged. “Fine with me.”
Fleur de Lis cackled, an immense amount of joy overtaking her. “Finally, I’ll have a child of my own!” she yelled, grabbing the unsharpened pencil.
“Wait, so you didn’t actually have a—” Celestia tried to interrupt the proceedings, but was cut off by a horrifying squelching noise. To her astonishment, Fleur de Lis had managed to shove the unsharpened pencil straight into Flurry Heart’s left pupil. The small dribble of liquid jelly that flowed out smelled vile, like the stench of a thousand sewer rats devouring a fresh deposit from the local special ed department.
Well, that settled that. With nary a second thought, Fleur begin to shift the pencil around her now-annihilated eye like a whirling dervish of destruction. Bits of blood and eye phlegm shot around the room as she did, coating the nearby guards in a tasty confection to enjoy at a later time. Then she leant forward and started lapping around the edge of the ruined socket. She made satisfying slurping noises as she flicked the aqueous jelly into the back of her throat, like a cat drinking milk. “What?” she said. “It’s good!” Once her eye was assuredly destroyed, Fleur de Lis looked towards Cadance. “Alright, now it’s your turn.”
Cadance nodded, grabbing her own choice of weaponry. “You take too long. I prefer to cut babies in half much quicker.”
And so, Cadance whacked Flurry Heart straight into her virgin marshmallow pussy with the dull doorstop. The baby cried out in pain for the first time during the affair, its eye-gore fetish not saving it this time around.
“Uh, excuse me, ma’am!” Fleur called out to Celestia. “This child is making noise and frankly I find it unpleasant.”
Cadance bobbed her head. “Same.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll see what I can do about a gag.” Celestia darted her eyes back and forth before levitating over a garbage can from the conveniently located throne-room restroom. “Let’s see what we have here.” She proceeded to dig through the filthy contents before pulling out a red and white tubular item. “Well, we have Luna’s old tampon from a few days ago. I mean, it’s got some fungus on it from that yeast infection, but…” Celestia eyed the swollen off-white chunks stuck to it. “It should do.”
She tossed it down much to the enjoyment of her guests.
“Okay, Flurry Heart, open wide.”
Flurry Heart eyed her possible mother with wide eyes, begging for relief. “Momm—” Her progress was halted however as the rancid feminine product was shoved down her throat like a rather large penis.
Flurry’s muffled cries of terror were all for naught as Cadance returned to hacking away at her mangled prepubescent folds, this time with the newfound force of a roid-raging monster pony. Slowly but surely, her flesh began to give way to the doorstop that would never give way. Blood sloshed around, coating Cadance’s face as she hacked away. With a few licks, it was gone, though.
It took quite a while, but the Princess of Love finally began to break a sweat and could abuse her only offspring’s virgin pussy no more. “A-alright, we need to use something else.”
Celestia sighed, magically reaching into her bag of vaginal trash, before pulling out what looked to be a thin string. “Ah, here we go. It’s not much, though I believe it may suffice.”
“W-what is it?” Fleur asked, Cadance looking on as well for an answer.
“This is the dental floss that I used to get the crusty bits of feces out of Discord’s butt hair. After that, I pranked Luna into using it to give her new pet dog a good flossing. The dog then proceeded to eat the floss and had trouble pooping it out for a few weeks. Finally, with the help of some tweezers, we managed to pull it from her anus. That brings us here.”
Fleur levitated the floss down and held it mere inches from her face. The once bright and hopeful string of dental health assistance was now mangled, crusty and smelled of the foulest stench one could imagine. It was as if Satan’s unfermented dick cheese had been left rotting in a moist sauna for a period of no less than twenty-two days.
“This will be perfect!” Both of the guilty bystanders stated in elation.
Flurry was now struggling to keep her eye open as death’s sweet calling was getting louder and louder. The massive amounts of blood loss didn’t help the situation and neither did the fact that her upper body was only being held together by the pieces of sinew stretching from exposed shoulder to exposed shoulder.
“Well,” Fleur said, rubbing her chin. “I’d love to cut this right now, but I’m unsure what body part it is or what effect it might have.”
“You’re right!” Cadance shouted. “We need an expert.”
On cue, Nurse Redheart entered the fray and ran up to the chunky, mashed corpse being passed off as a child.
“Hmm,” she said, looking at the mutilated torso and strands of bone and muscle halting their progress.
“Miss Redheart,” Cadance said. “We need to cut through this part of her, but we’re unsure of what that bone is or what those strands of sinew are. We wouldn’t want to accidentally hurt her by accident.”
“Of course, of course.” The nurse eyed the child up and down before nodding. “Well, I do believe this chunk blocking your path would have to be the right gonad”
“Right gonad?” Fleur asked, taken aback. “That’s not possible, is it?”
“Oh, of course, you’re right!” Redheart chuckled. “The gonads are in the left shoulder. This is her Superior Vena Cava. Just press a bit harder on the dental floss and you’ll be A-OK.”
“Okay, thank you!” Fleur and Cadance said with bright smiles.
With a final tug, both Fleur and Cadance pulled on the floss. Flurry's life was cut short as she herself was cut short, her body separating into two mushy piles of gore and other sexy things. Intestines were strewn about, a lung had fallen to the floor, and her severed anus was already halfway down a starving guard’s gaping maw.
It was finished. Both would have a baby to take home.
“Hey, you know, that was kinda hot,” Celestia spoke up. “So I’m gonna go ahead and head to my… private quarters.”
Cadance and Fleur both levitated their respective parts of Flurry Heart. Both were very happy to have a baby of their very own to take home with them.
“Thank you so much for coming to a compromise with me, Cadance,” Fleur said. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Of course,” Cadance replied, slinging her half of Flurry Heart over her shoulder for ease of transportation. “If you ever wanna get the babies together for a playdate, just let me know!”
“Will do!”
And with that, the two walked out the door with smiles and laughter, ready to bring their child home to their families.
The End
